#i dont associate that with my human life anymore

[mangalho]

Ex-warbot OC

They don’t have names yet.

The two bots with the scary faces were specifically made for war, and now that it’s over, they still maintained their original ‘warface’ even though it has stigma associated to it. Many robots changed their faceplates post-war, as it made it easier to find jobs and not get into unnecessary conflict.

The sleeker looking guy used to be in their company, though he wasn’t made in the same factory as them; he isn’t their ’batch-mate’.

After the war he completely modified his frame, and now has an idol career. He desperately wats to erase his past, as people (and robots alike) will respond better to a ‘new’ and untainted idol.

The two warface bots are “brother and sister” and they do odd jobs here and there to make ends meet and to be able to afford things they want. Rich people hire them as bouncers a lot since they are a symbol of terrible times. Sometimes they earn 15k in one night for just one gig it’s crazy. They both really love clothes since it distances them from their body’s original purpose while simultaneously not erasing their past. Also they look cute and cool!

The idol bot once meets the warfaces by chance in the street and pretends he doesn’t know them AGAHAKALAK I think he’s insane… completely erasing your past and the person you were is psychopathic to me idk. Anyway

There arent a lot of warfaces going around anymore. since they either died during the war or changed their frames. Pre-war bots were re-fitted during the conflicts and just had to go back to their former unweaponized frames after it was all over so they’re fine.  All of these robots can download information and i want that type of learning to mostly disappear if its deleted, but if they learn things like we do or experience real events, those memories and skills can’t really truly be erased; if they do try erasing them, they will still remember them, just not with HD video clarity, which brings them immense suffering sometimes. “How to people live like this?!” Well buddy it sucks idk we all cope

Newly minted robots are wack because they don’t exactly have a ‘soul’ yet they just do things they’re supposed to do, but after some time, all of them actually develop real awareness and shit… my war bots had like a 78% chance of dying everyday when they were activated, but they survived and attained sentience at like one year post birth and they wised up rly fast after that. They remember their first year, but they describe it as a ‘weird haze’

These robots feel pain so they wont like dive into a hole or damage themselves too much. Self preservation means longer-lived machines which means less repair costs and less human lives on the line as well.. slay !!!

While the conflicts went on, most robots achieved sentience and decided to stop fighting so there was like a robots rights movement and eventually the war stopped altogether and now the robots have a salary and a normal life mostly. They arent organics, so they need other things. They are solar powered and need oil sometimes and also they need new nanomachines once in a while like we need vaccines. Get your boosters… its not just tetanus and coronavirus anymore now they gotta think about like..the trojan horse 9000

I want them to have this aversion to organic things dying bc they are universally gross. Like they dont like seeing living-machines die either but a rat being squished by a car is also gross!

There are probably some tensions between humans and robots but like i kinda get it bc i wouldnt mess with a guy who has like lead pipes for arms. also most robots ARE normal but some are insane idk 🙆‍♀️🤷‍♀️ just  like people are.

 mine are normal tho they’re just vibing 💖🗣🤙

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i cut off someone reaching out for help on tumblr? i am a very anxious person. ive been on tumblr a very long time because most all other social media terrifies me as someone who grew up with the wild west internet a decade past (im in my late 20s) so i feel sometimes with how reckless and spurractic people can be online in chatroom and especially clearly public platforms where any stranger, malicious or otherwise can just archive your digital presence for personal use.

more recently as someone who has been here during the pornban and as an asexual really enjoyed the quiet with no drama farming and a slow pace to talk about more unique political topics in a measured way it is something im strangely nostalgic for and a great example of my sensibilities to people when they insist that i use other platforms like discord or twitter or whatever clone for these services comes out of the old guard introducing feature creep to copy everyone else or any other indi "were the anti corporate version" of the endless scroll apps. i just dont want it. tumblr is special because im desktop only, been here for years, and i have kept track of every single change made so i have manually adjusted the change through hacks to evade every bad decision on here and make my set up look identical to how it was in 2010. so let it be understood that i tend to be a loney person because of this stubbornness. web 3.0 is too dangerous to people with addictive tendencies that my adhd brings out and my need to wear my heart on my sleeve. so i hope i defended my personality type enough to show why someone like me would see a post about some horrible abuses they have fell victim to who also share alot of the marginalized status as me and writing depressive things in the replys of others posts as to attention seek about it.

i directly interact with this person, not only to check if they are real (but wow, modern chat bots make this part horrifying for me. we really cant ever know for sure what is real anymore. trying to find warmth on the internet feels impossible now a days) i have multiple conversations at this point both venting and just casually shooting the shit. but the begging for me to constantly repost their paypal makes me so nervous in a way that i feel so guilty for because it reminds me of all the scams that get associated with this kind of ebegging and the reminder that capitalism takes away all warmth from human interaction to make them purely transnational and conditional. but then it just has been escalating where im so scared that now its not enough that im reposing on my 8 follower, all mutual blog, they are asking me to share it on other socials. accounts i do not have i have a flip phone and a laptop and i am tinkering with a windows 7 tower that will never be connected to the internet so i can always have software sit perfectly in its time capsule for when i need it. i do not have a way to help this person outside of what i learned from collage psyche classes. a part of me is so scared to just abruptly cut them off and just delete my entire account like i tend to do often on tumblr for a multitude of reasons, its a part of what lets people survive being here this long but i worry that would crush them if i did that, i dont want to make them feel more hopeless and unwanted then they already talk about. but i am text on the internet through a screen. i can only do so much. so would i be the asshole if i just deleted my account with a "i hope you hang in there, the world is a harsh place but keep moving" to cut someone so similar to me who is struggling out of my life?

What are these acronyms?

[stateswscarlet]

hi !I love your blog it has helped me a lot. I have a more certain problem and I don't know how you deal with it anymore(if you have already answered such a question somewhere then sorry to bother you at all) I understand the law and how it works, but I feel like I am still "fighting" with my old version of myself and identifying with my human body. What I mean here is that whenever I get fulfilled in my imagination I can't persevere in it for more than an hour, because my ego keeps reminding me of my circumstances. I'm tired of it and would like to be able to trust myself to be the new version of myself that has my desire but idk how to do it. Thank you !

Who is deciding that thinking of/being reminded of circumstance is bad? Who is deciding youre not in your desired state? Your circumstances and all thoughts and emotions are NEUTRAL, meaning they dont mean ANYTHING unless you decide they do, so how can a simple thought (being reminded of the old story/circumstances) dictate what state youre in? your reaction to it shows your state, not the thought itself. obviously you need to acknowledge your circumstances, you cant lock yourself in a room and hide all day lol, but acknowledging them and dealing w them how you need to will never affect imagination because your desire isn’t in the 3D. It doesn’t come from there. Stop assigning meaning to all these things, just because you randomly got a thought about the circumstances doesn’t mean anything unless you start identifying with it (which would mean you never trusted imagination in the first place bc if you did, that circumstance would not bother you nor would you associate it to your desire because you know you ALREADY experienced it). Theres no reason to get upset, if you know its done in imagination and available WHENEVER you want, it makes no sense to be upset that you remembered your circumstances. Leave the 3D and its associated thoughts completely alone! Also if you randomly remember a bad memory from last year right now and it makes you upset, does that automatically mean your current life and existence is a lie? Does that mean who you are TODAY will completely vanish because you simply thought of something from your past? That sounds silly because it is, so why treat your manifestation (which already happened bc your inner man EXPERIENCED it) be any different?

[b1oodthrsty]

ok i have a TON of different writings in my notes app about various things in jthm but tje first one ill post will be about nailbunny !!!

(tldr: me ranting about how nailbunny is the last remaining part of johnnys former self prior to becoming a homicidal maniac & speculating why)

 johnny says that nailbunny had existed even before the bunny was nailed, and recognizes it as being one of his own internal voices, probably the first one hes ever had.

though theres no given explanation as to why johnny began associating this voice with the nailed bunny, it could imply that like the bubs burgers boy, the event behind it is what causes him to associate a voice with it. we're told how and when nailbunny died: 

though, it doesnt give much answers about the importance of this memory for johnny, as killing animals is something johnny does often, unlike reverend meats association with the memory of the girl. it could be that this was the first thing hes ever killed, though we aren't given any kind of clear timeline of when johnny started to kill. if this was true, it'd mean he's only been doing this for three years (which at least to me, seems somewhat plausible considering that hes 25, and cant recall much prior to when he started killing). in my own interpretation of this particular incident, i would connect the bunny to johnnys irrational fear of losing what he grows attached to- the mention of buying, and feeding the bunny prior to killing it could suggest that he didnt intend to kill it immediately, as the act of feeding it is a bit unusual for johnny, since he tends to either kill things right away, or torture them slowly. the actual nailing of the bunny, in a place he could easily see it from, would make more sense following this interpretation considering that johnny expresses numerous times his desire to remember special moments through violence, one of them obviously being his attempt at killing devi. theres PLENTY of things pointing to this irrational fear of his that drives him to selfishly preserve what makes him happy, but i feel this tweet is the most straightforward coming from him about it and i dont want to spam like 398343934284 screenshots:

so, it could very well be that when buying and feeding the bunny, johnny felt happy and connected to it- and upon realizing this, he felt he had to preserve the feeling through nailing it to the wall. i dont think that happiness is what ended up being preserved in his subconscious, though- remember, johnny states that nailbunny existed prior to the nail actually entering the bunny- so, if anything, the nailing of the bunny reads off to me as the separation of his former life to his current one, solidified by those past memories being engrained into nailbunny rather than having to be held by johnny anymore.

nailbunny seems more like the last piece left of who johnny formerly was, as its shown to reminisce on such memories, seemingly bitter with johnny over the way he's slowly lost himself. johnny often seeks to vent and pursue advice from nailbunny- its one of the few characters able to berate johnny without receiving some kind of backlash or disagreement on his behalf, obviously because he's aware that nailbunny IS himself, giving it the special privilege of being considered always right by him.

johnnys former self-awareness & whatever traumatic memories pushed him to entering the position hes in, have been absorbed by nailbunny, making it quite literally a voice of reason for him. something i find especially interesting is that when johnny attempts to garner sympathy from nailbunny over his loss of devi, nailbunny shuts him down, claiming what he did was "impolite":

sure, nailbunny isnt expressing an open guilt for johnnys actions, but its clear that it finds his moping to be pointless considering the severity of what he's done. theres a fight in johnnys subconscious between feeling naturally, humanely guilty for losing someone he cared for, versus egotistically feeling as if there was no other choice to be done given how fucked up he already is. i really like this particular aspect of johnnys character, how he teeters back and forth from mocking his own pathetic nature, to being convinced that everything he says and does is right. he likes to think that hes a cold, unfeeling individual who knows better than most, yet when actually about to die (which is something hes idealized since the beginning of the series as being a perfect paradise away from humanitys filth) hes hit with a moment of full clarity that he's just as stupid as everyone he hates, as if almost regretting his death.

i actually have WAY more written that delves into how i think him seeing the afterlife was a form of closure for him & reverend meats purpose in suddenly showing up upon his revival, but this is already full of lots of shit so ill end it here :] feel free to scream at me if i got anything wrong/inaccurate or offer your own thoughts ive never posted my rambles before but i love jthm so much so this has just been brewing in my notes app for the past few days ......... if u made it this far thank you im sorry for melting your mind with these evil words of mine ^____^

[naxcoffe]

love, how to actually manifest anything? please explain to me! i'm acquiring a lot of knowledge but i can't apply it because i don't understand it in practice

I see that a lot of people might get confused when they try to apply the law of assumption because they don't know if they're actually applying it. Let me explain to you how to do it:

Im going to do a comparison between what is actually applying the law of assumption:

If you identify more with the second side, then follow the first side!

We are all capable of manifesting our desires, and that our thoughts and beliefs are the key to bringing them into reality. Imagination is abundant, and that we can create whatever we desire if we align our state of being and feelings with that desire.

But what is a state of being?

The state of being refers to our internal state of consciousness or awareness.

Neville Goddard taught that our state of being is determined by our thoughts and beliefs, and that we must be conscious of these thoughts and beliefs in order to change our state of being. So that’s why I don’t worry about negative thoughts while fulfilling myself because my state of having because it is mine and it can easily be changed. Neville believed that by changing our beliefs we can change our state, because we always have one.

For example, if I desire to be with a certain person, i must align my state of being with that desire by thinking “oh, how it would feel I this person loved me endlessly?” and just go to that feeling over and over!. This means focusing on abundance rather than lack and sadness. That is called fulfillment!

Manifesting is about feeling something and feeling so happy or just simply acceptance! Acceptance carries no desperation for time or how will it appear because it is yours. Imagination is the only true reality, so why would you fight or get mad if you don’t see it in the physical world?

In order to change our state of being, Neville Goddard taught that we must first become aware of our current state of being, including our thoughts and beliefs. We must then consciously choose to change our thoughts and beliefs to align with our desired reality, and cultivate the feelings and emotions associated with that reality.

By aligning our state of being with our desired reality, Neville Goddard believed that we can manifest our desires and live the life we truly desire.

Okay, I have a desire what should i do?

Decide that you already have it by fulfilling yourself in the way you want to. ( Like fully fulfilling yourself to the point that you know you have it, like you don’t need it anymore. Fulfill your imagination and see it as a reality and so you don’t feel it as pretending and know if you ever doubt is not true because your imagination says otherwise and is the TRUEST REALITY)

Every-time you think about it just give it to yourself in your imagination and so on and on.

Notes:

*you’re not doing this to get something in the physical world you’re confirming having it in your imagination.

*don’t worry about negative thoughts, just don’t IDENTIFY with them, don’t ignore them because they’ll get worse (I’ve been through that) just feel if you need to and after you’re calm, you with your desire!

*”everyone is you pushed out” a very called phrase that means whatever you have and believe in the outside will reflect on the outside!

*the “feeling not to get but just to feel” may sound stupid but hear this; if I’m telling you that your physical world (whatever you see with your human eyes) and your mind are connected and your mind tells the world what to do… then, why would you look on the outside for confirmation? instead you feel your desire inside of you as something real to your imagination (why imagination? Because I’m imagination there’s no judgement by other negative belief unless you allow it to enter) and know is real and the outside world will act to your commands but DONT DO IT TO GET!!! Your only job is to feel full and happy or whatever emotion means acceptance to your desire to.

[gnometa233]

Why do you say terfs dni when you've got a ton of their talking points?? Are you just trying to be sneaky in a really obvious way or what

1. Terf's fundamental beliefs are that trans women are men and trans men are women. Obviously, I don't believe that.

2. None of y'all actually know what terf is. Let's spell it out: Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Am I trans exclusionary? Nope. You can see that right in my pinned post. Am I a radical feminist? Maybe some people would consider me to be one because I hold the belief that "women are fully fledged human beings with thoughts and dreams", but im actually pretty moderate.

3, the biggest one: A group I fundamentally hate and I can have similar opinions, but that doesn't mean I align with them.

Let's take "queer is a slur." A viewpoint myself and terfs share.

Terfs don't want you to call yourself queer. They hate it because it includes trans people and it's inherently progressive. This inherently harms trans people

I don't care if you call yourself queer. You do you! People find empowerment in different things. My issue with it is the fact that people try to enforce it on me when I express discomfort with it. This is my own personal opinion

In addition, I find that terfs and I agree on many feminist issues, but the problem is that the people they blame are not sustainable or inherently blame trans women. So it goes something like this

Terfs: no one is taking feminism seriously anymore!

Me: fully agree!

Terfs: it's all because of how trans women forced themselves into womanhood!

Me: HUH???

There is 0 correlation between trans women being the reason why feminism isn't talked about as much. Ironically, one of the factors of this IS BECAUSE people associate feminism with terfism, so people don't have any actual feministic talking points besides "women are equal to men." There are plenty of other reasons that other much smarter people have delved into, But terfs would rather blame the hypothetical boogeyman trans person than actually confront society

Here's the thing: groups you disagree with are gonna have goals in common with you. That's life. People you despise are gonna have similar ideologies to you. That's unavoidable. But that doesn't mean you inherently align with them

I actually made a post about this a little while that was similar to this. It was about criticizing shows with lgbtq+ elements, and saying that just because I hate a show, does not mean I should be lumped in with actual fucking bigots. But in short, it boiled down to this:

A bigot says "I don't want these two women to get together because I hate gay people, and i dont want kids to be taught to be gay."

I say "I don't want these two women to get together because their relationship is portrayed as toxic and I dont want kids to be taught that hitting and insulting your partner is romantic."

That is why you HAVE to do research on people's beliefs. You have to dig deeper and actually read about reasoning. Otherwise you're gonna alienate well meaning allies who have a different perspective.

[jesterjamz]

cool bug facts day 759! “i think benry hlvrai should have been an even bigger tumblr sexyman. like he could have done even more. i dont know how. but that gay bitch shouldve been soooo much more popular. even though he was. like. he should have been like. almost sans tier. i wish he had the oncelerization effect. and i wish there were benry fangirls making videos with either their fursona or benreysonas saying they were benrys wife and gf. and that when they got mad theyd make videos about killing the other fangirls oc. i wish benry had the same effect on others as he did on me. i literally had a benrey phase during my hlvrai phase. i made my icon on everything benry. i made everyones contact picture in my phone benry. some people still have benry as their picture. i have the benry plush. i dont remember if it was being sold during my benry phase or not, but it probably was. do i still kin benry? was i even a benry kinnie or just obsessed with him? not romantically or sexually obviously. i love how people literally just make any design they want for him. just like the human twink bill cyphers. they turned that triangle into a twink. they turned this half life security guard into an eldritch creature. and like. just like the bill cypher twink, there were many agreed upon features. sharp teeth. blueish skin. weird eyes. some people gave him a tail. some people gave him claws. they made him look so cool because they could do that through the powers of headcanon and community. perhaps i shouldnt be dwelling on what could have been with him and instead celebrate what has happened with him. i should be happy that i even had the benry phase at all. i am happy about that. i love how some animatic of benry someone created made a small artist quite popular among hlvrai fans. even if it was only for a little bit. i think that animation was deleted i cant find it anymore. thats literally so sad. why would they delete something so influential and important to many? many being, me. i loved that video. so much. i associate that song with my benry phase. its like part of me was just. ripped from existence. benry is still a blorbo to me and a sexyman to many. he still had a lot of influence to many....” - me on the place where i should be normal

[straycalamities]

For Andrew > 🍕🩷🧠🥊

🍕 - What is their favorite food?

ill be honest. i forgot. i dont keep track of that very well for any ocs besides spook (bc its was based on one of my bestest fwiend's fav foods so i'll never forget it)

something savory, though. i know he really likes savory, hot meals over other things because it reminds him of his dad who he has a decent relationship with. and eventually his bestie ji-hoon likes to make him good meals to help him with his depression. so he has very good associations with a nice, full plate of food.

❤️ - What is one of your OC’s best memories?

in a bittersweet way, it's whenever his mom would rarely actually fully praise him for something because 99% of the time she's cold, strict, and stoic. he ends up holding the same for julian and the times julian was super nice to him, but they eventually get soured when he realizes that it was probably all just a honeytrap. all part of the manipulation tactics.

straight up good memories usually come from joyriding in a nice car or on a motorcycle. or when he met ji-hoon and they clicked rly well. or had a lavish date with a guy who didnt last, but it was a nice time regardless. when he first got a telescope. or when he first got one of his pets. a silly moment with alana. stuff like that.

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC?

i like...everything about him AAAA what do i even pick out...

i guess my favorite thing about him is how real he feels to me. like out of all my ocs i feel like he's the most that's like...that could be a real person. i've based a lot of him off my experiences or other people i've known so i think that's why. and so he's kinda like..a culmination of things i love and also the experiences and people that have been in my life. like a love-letter to my ?? living?? idk that sounds cheesy

i also think out of all my ocs he'd be the one i'd most like to be friends with if he were real. i could be friends with a bunch of them, but i think him and i would actually be close.

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do?

like i said in the memories answer, he LOVES joyriding especially at night. nighttime joyriding is his default coping mechanism for like..anything and everything. he loves tinkering with things to figure out how it goes together and/or works. he loves listening to music. he loves watching golden hollywood era films or 80s cheesy flicks or cult classics. he loves just. watching his pet snake or tarantulas do their thing. he loves going out into the nightlife of the city. nighttime is his time and he loves being around people even if he's also a socially anxious and awkward mess. he loves meeting people and bonding with them over music or other things. he's a former partyboy so..he likes getting wild but in his later 20s he's a LOT more careful about it lol. and any of the previous stuff is 10x better if someone else is doing it with him or just parallel-playing with him if nothing else. he just REALLY likes being around and connecting with other humans.

he hates monotony though. he needs to switch it up and pretty often. he hates being around anyone that is just like straight up using him or toying with him. he can get down w like..yall are both just enjoying each others company for the moment and nothing else, but like..as a victim of major manipulation and abuse, he's got no time for any red flags like that anymore. he also hates doing things that are clearly a waste of time. like busywork or stuff like that he can't stand it. he also hates arguing lmao. he's pretty stubborn and hard-headed himself and he KNOWS it so he tries to just avoid arguments when he can because no ones gonna come out of it a winner. also he's not an emotional vault like ace is, he's pretty open with them for the most part, but he hates talking about the stuff that Truly bothers him like the mom issues or the julian stuff.

[otherkin-confessional]

im pretty sure i am nonhuman and otherhearted, i do not feel human in the slightest and i just generally feel uncomfortable while being referred to as a human in a serious context, that in theory was supposed to make me more comfortable with Myself, as now i know what that strange feeling i always had about myself is but i was raised in a highly religious household and i still have problems with "feeling sinful" and thinking about gruesome things the people at my old church said would happen if i didnt follow every word god said, that made little me think everything i did was being judged and a lot of other really bad thoughts that i still have, so while in theory i feel a lot more comfortable with mysef, with what i Am i still cant shake off thoughts of being sinful or getting punished later and how me being nonhuman (and more general stuff like my gender/sexuality and opinions on things) might "affect that" even if i dont believe in god anymore, it was such a big chunk of my life i cant just stop having these thoughts and it makes me feel awful

i started using some religious imagery like priests, angels and deities and tried to "redefine them" in a way i could feel comfortable again, not change their meaning, just something so that i could cope with these thoughts a bit better, ironically enough while the thoughts didnt stop, i did feel more comfortable around those concepts, specially around angels, to the point i found out im angelhearted, this didnt stop me from having those negative thoughts, but im a bit more relieved i could "reconnect" and "redefine" something that was associated with so many bad memories to the point of now identifying deeply with it, im still not 100% but compared to how i thought things were going im really happy, for both getting better with coping with my religious trauma and discovering that im angelhearted after years of associating them with bad things, it was a really big step for me and i didnt imagine i would end up like this, but im honestly glad i did

🌌

[metamorphosingbrick]

Dear Past Lover Part 1

Hi Kashish,

I know you did not want to talk and how much you hate me. And i deserve all the hate. Not talking to you since November 27, 2021 also made me realise that how you must have loved you to hate me this much that you dont want to hear my happy birthday wish.

I wish i could take back all my actions, I wish I could make you feel better then. I am so sorry. I was an awful human being and I have no way to apologise for my actions. I did not wish to message or disturb your life in any way. I have tortured myself more after breaking up than you could ever think.

The reason I have hated dublin is solely for the feelings i have felt there. I did not want to go, my parents and my brother wanted me to leave. I had no intentions to visit Dublin or study. I always wanted to live in Austria or Switzerland and work for UN but my parents wanted this. I could not handle the pressure, I have spent hours crying in the shower hoping that life ends in one of those dorm rooms. I performed worst in my life and didnt have anyone in my life to speak to or express. When i came back, I have had sleepless nights, getting nightmares lying beside my father. My brother was forcing me to go back to Dublin and I knew that this time if i go back, I would rather die than feel miserable again and that's when I got the UN internship again.

Oh I wish I could explain it to someone. And yes, you have done so much for me that I cannot pay back. I cannot never thank you for being there always. You were in true sense my best friend. I wish I could ever take things back and make things better for both of us. I wish I could explain how much pain I have gone through by making you go through. I wish i could forgive myself for the cuts I have made on you.

I still feel it. I still feel the pain of my immaturiy deep into my heart which i dont think I can ever let go. Yes, I was young and yes, I made mistakes and you are the greater one to still be there for me through every moments. Even if you forgive me one day, I can never forgive myself because i promise you that I am not a bad person and I never intended to inflict the pain.

I broke up because I never saw a future. i have never been the emotionally available person that you could be. I have messed up in relationships because I have never been the person who can be in a relationship. I have fucked up always.

But no words or number of apologises can make this right. I wish I could make your pain go away. But i do not wish to enter your life again because I am scared of messing up again even as a friend. Those google folder pictures made me feel shit because I was not ready. Kashish, I promise that if i had met you now, I would have behaved different but sadly I cannot change time. I cannot bring back time and make things right. I cannot make you feel better. I can write millions of words but it will never compensate.

And I do not want to drag your back, cause I am scared of it too. That's why i said those mean things. I did not want you to be associated to me cause i was fucking scared that you might end up having the bad situation because of me. I know it doesnt make sense, but I did not voluntarily message anymore because I was scared. Scared of the hate in your call, Scared of anything bad happening to you. I am sorry I could not even be a good friend to you, did not discuss anything properly with you. I was awful. I might be fine losing every friend but you were enough.

You are the best person that could happen to me. I was too overwhelmed because I wanted more from life. I saw relationship as shackles then and thought that i do not want to spend me life with just one person. Now, after everything that I have gone through, I don't know if i even fall in love. Now, I am planning to marry someone to just for the sake of marriage cause it doesnt matter. Nothing matters because I don't care about love or happiness. It's so subjective that i do not feel like there's a point of discussion.

I wish I was better then. i wish you met this version of me who would have sat beside you and appreciated every word you said. Honestly, I dont think I have loved anyone beside you. But if i look back, how could I behave like this with someone i love. You deserved someone better on life. Someone who gets when you feel uncomfortable in places, someone who holds your hands not because she cant walk but because she wants to walk beside you.

You deserve all the happiness in the world. I am not mailing you this because i want to pull you back. I have kept myself away from messaging you because I did not want to be my selfish self who hurt you, but I am mailing you this because you deserve to know that you were always enough, best and the brightest sunshine in my life.

I wish you happiness with whoever you are with or whoever you find in the crowd who deserves you. Because you are one hell of a person. I wish I could bring back time though because there are so many things I would have done better. I wish I could make things right because then I would love you in the right way, the way you deserved to be treated as my first ever boyfriend.

[furiousmagician]

“i think benry hlvrai should have been an even bigger tumblr sexyman. like he could have done even more. i dont know how. but that gay bitch shouldve been soooo much more popular. even though he was. like. he should have been like. almost sans tier. i wish he had the oncelerization effect. and i wish there were benry fangirls making videos with either their fursona or benreysonas saying they were benrys wife and gf. and that when they got mad theyd make videos about killing the other fangirls oc. i wish benry had the same effect on others as he did on me. i literally had a benrey phase during my hlvrai phase. i made my icon on everything benry. i made everyones contact picture in my phone benry. some people still have benry as their picture. i have the benry plush. i dont remember if it was being sold during my benry phase or not, but it probably was. do i still kin benry? was i even a benry kinnie or just obsessed with him? not romantically or sexually obviously. i love how people literally just make any design they want for him. just like the human twink bill cyphers. they turned that triangle into a twink. they turned this half life security guard into an eldritch creature. and like. just like the bill cypher twink, there were many agreed upon features. sharp teeth. blueish skin. weird eyes. some people gave him a tail. some people gave him claws. they made him look so cool because they could do that through the powers of headcanon and community. perhaps i shouldnt be dwelling on what could have been with him and instead celebrate what has happened with him. i should be happy that i even had the benry phase at all. i am happy about that. i love how some animatic of benry someone created made a small artist quite popular among hlvrai fans. even if it was only for a little bit. i think that animation was deleted i cant find it anymore. thats literally so sad. why would they delete something so influential and important to many? many being, me. i loved that video. so much. i associate that song with my benry phase. its like part of me was just. ripped from existence. benry is still a blorbo to me and a sexyman to many. he still had a lot of influence to many....” - me on the place where i should be normal

[softness-and-shattering]

Article is mostly paywalled - yeah. No part of you is bad or evil or lazy. Laziness doesnt exist, not really. You have competing needs, and some of them have always been ignored and youve been taught variations of "get over yourself and just do it".

But whats stopping you is a protective mechanism, a strong one given how effective it is. Theres lots of reasons that could be stopping you, and they dont have to be logical, just believed by some part of you, probably because of some pattern that used to be true in your life but isnt anymore.

If I drink straight from a bottle at home no one's going to yell at me, but maybe my dad would get really upset if I did that in his house and I almost year his voice when I think about it, so I dont. That kind of thing. Maybe every time you went into the kitchen for a snack after school you were tasked with making dinner for the family so now you struggle to cook because youre still associating it with big unwanted maybe inappropriate responsibility. You might hate exercise because gym lessons at school were painful or embarassing.

These kind of thought processes run in the background, sometimes deeply, so that you dont even notice them, or how illogical they are. Sometimes working through the thought pattern and finding the false belief is enough and sometimes you need to work around or with the pattern. Like doing exercise at home in a closed room, in clothes that are comfortable, with a locked door, so no one can possibly come in and comment on your form or your body or your fitness. Find the fear and work with it. Its basically always trying to protect you, whether the danger actually exists or not.

And sometimes its plain tiredness, or burnout, in which case you need rest. Maybe sleep, or something fun, time completely to yourself, maybe a luxury purchase, maybe time in nature or with friends. Maybe you need to make some tangible decisions (games are really good for this, if life isnt so much in your control), maybe you need to not have to decide anything.

Theres lots of types of energy and lots of ways of recharging. It can take some experimenting to work out which cups needs filling and how to fill them, and it depends a lot on how you spend your time. We need variety, as humans, of input and output and activity.

Mostly, youre not your own enemy. You just have conflicting beliefs and ideas and processes about how to best live and be well and be safe.

Just putting this here where I won’t lose it…

[holycowss]

Feb 26th 2024

I think I'm just a small person with a lot to say. I surprisingly always have a lot to say. So much so that, I think I actually might launch something close to a talk show because of it.

I try not to gossip too much, because I know it's a sin. But my downfall is knowing that I will never be perfect and still striving for it.

I believe this life experience is far too vast to keep enclosing in what is my mind. Far too vast for something so simple like a journal. I romantisize a journal and then eventually fall numb to it. I become used to it and it loses it's spark and my yearning to feed it everyday.

I am so happy I met Wendy, to me she glows brightly with wisdom and love and nurturing and assureness if that is even a word. But she has truly inspired me to embrace where I currently am in life.

I felt for the longest time I was a hamster in a wheel, just constantly running trying to accomplish the next big goal. Did I graduate high school? Did I get it done in three years? Did I get my AP credits? Did I get my associates degree by the time I planned on it? I took a pause in the middle before I transferred to University. I went to real estate school but all it taught me was that I didn't want to be an agent I wanted to be an investor. It seems I am never fully satisfied at entry level things. I guess the saying is true that I am a go big or go home kind of gal.

If it was a vet I figured, I can just be a human doctor. If it's a flight attendant, I figured I can be a pilot. I am never truly satisfied with where I am, just looking for the next big thing that will gain me praise and acknowledgement. What a sad way to life your life.

2023 really did a number on me. I made it through the whole year pushing through and doing life on my terms and boy was it challenging. Just a girl, her dog and her apartment. I was in a super toxic corporate work environment that made me cry every day before going in and made me just eager to get out.

~HOURS LATER~

I received a call from this number I texted that was from a facebook group and it somehow apparently is a social media influencer and a pilot for american airlines seemed way too good to be true he was super pushy and dominant and those guys are def worth staying away from idk my train of thought has been interrupted i dont even know what im talking about anymore bye

[aurora1040]

Cy, I get the point you are trying to make but jumping to the extreme end isnt going to do you any favors with most people in debates.

Yes, the parents are parents of a human being, not whatever they wish their child would have been. That said.

I actually agree with OP. On there needing to be some form of distinction (even tho I know the same Autist can be both high and low support needs on the same given day). Because, yeah, I think perspective does get lost and because those who struggle with communication of any sort arent usually around online to speak for themselves, and those that do can only do so with limited vocabulary and grammar, which also makes it very difficult to communicate their own wants and needs. I understand (now) why Aspergers was rejected by the community as a whole, but aside from its origin, it filled a very important niche in the spectrum for a very long time and I truly did appreciate having a word to distinguish the difference. Not because i secretly think im better than those with much higher support needs than I, but because when i say I'm "Autistic" people say "no, you can't be Autistic. You dont look/act Autistic!" ....Because its associated with the much higher support needs Autistics. But if I were to say "Im an Aspie," people might be surprised because im passing, but theu dont immediately reject the possibility. I was very reluctant to give up the term Asperger's because of this.

Another reason why I appreciated there being a seperate word is because my youngest brother is a much higher support needs Autistic than I likely will ever be in my life and it felt wrong to say we had the same thing when our needs and behaviours are so drastically different.

The OP is right, that Autistics want out autism parents to stop talking over us and other Autistics, but we need to remember that our lower support needs is not universal. Passing is not universal or a blessing anymore than being visibly Autistic as a high supports needs Autistic. Ive seen non-verbal Autistics online beg the lower support needs Autistics to stop calling themselves non vernal or saying that they are going nonverbal because the experience as a high support needs non-verbal Autistic is so different from someone who is semi-verbal or someone who sometimes goes mute.... only to see the vast majority of low support needs Autistics to ignore the non-verballed Autistics' repeated requests. This only one example that I've personally witnessed.

About the parent/caregivers. Yes, they are allowed to complain sometimes. They are human and care giving is HARD even when they are fully neurotypical. Its not a moral failing to wish things were easier and for that, OP is right. We cant blame them. I certainly can't blame them when I experienced being my youngest brothers care taker for a few months amd got burnt out to the point that I cannot handle taking care of even healthy, non-disabled, non-autistic child who is the best behaved in the world.

What I can judge them for, however. Is when they make it their emtire personality and take om the "pity me" attitude or posts their high needs Autistic loved ones during the "bad" times. Thats when I judge them. If they allow their high needs Autistic loved ones to ever see or hear those complaints, I will judge them for that.

But they are human. They have a right to express themselves, too. So long as they are mindful and considerate of how they choose to do so.

high functioning autistic people truly need to shut the fuck up about how offended they are by scientists trying to find the cause of autism so that it can be prevented and I'm saying this as a high functioning autist myself. it's so easy for you to go "uwu celebrate our differences! autism is awesome!!" bc you are not a nonverbal permatoddler who screams 12 hrs a day, physically assaults others, smears their shit on the walls, etc, nor are you the parent or sibling of one (if you were you would not be saying this nonsense). genuinely there needs to be a different word for high functioning autists (like how we used to have Aspergers...why is that not used anymore in psychiatric circles) bc the lack of differentiation between the two groups is literally warping high functioning people's perception of what severe autism actually looks like.

stop throwing a tantrum every time a single mother who's being beaten up by her own kid on the daily and has literally no help says "I just wish he was normal" as if that's unreasonable. how dare you judge these parents who are trying their best to cope with an impossibly stressful and demanding circumstance. oh and it's so funny how you hypocrites get so ornery when those parents speak over autists then turn around and do the exact same thing by speaking for those who can't speak for themselves on account of their 45 IQ, and assuming that they're going to somehow live a happier life in their current state than they would if they were neurotypical. you are totally devoid of basic empathy and I know you'll try but you can't blame it on your autism

[kendrixtermina]

(implosion in the acid rain)

I fucking hate everything

I fucking hate everything

I fucking hate everything

I fucking hate everything

I wish I had never loved or cared about anything and anyone least of all

any of the stupid fucking things that I ever cared about

or was stupid enough to derive joy from

or delude myself into feeling understood by

its just the last fucking straw,

fucking why

fucking why is everyone on this planet a fucking cruel uncaring callous fucking

grindwheel of an entity?

Can't say I'm much better honestly

The entire human race deserves to be

cooked in the heat of its own entrails

during one last big global wet bulb event

I almost wish I had never let myself care about anything at all.

I wish was born some solitary slug-eel and never had to worry about

anything to do with touch and the associated capacity to hurt others.

Everything in this world is just so fucking

ugly and low and debased and lacking in redeeming features,

including, it seems, some of the few people that i thought understood this

I cannot do it anymore

blah blah blah in defense of

someone who never fucking cared about

me feeling understood by them

or what I in my idiocy

chose to make them symbols for

of course not, as I always knew

that they never fucking cared about us

just like nobody else ever fucking cares about anyone

everyone just wants their fucking dicks & clitorises sucked

and their ego praised

and their precious benjamins

do not forget them

i fucking hate fucking everything

especially whatever stupidity compelled me to

invest any emotional attachment into some stupid idea of something beautiful

meaningful

it’s not the first time that I got it rubbed in my face how much

nothing of me is special or has any meaning or is going

into any significant sort of direction

but it’s the first time that I’ve really understood:

no one cares no one understands we are all utterly alone screaming in the uncaring void

everything is shit

especially the little things that I in my blind folly mistook for

things that were not shit

this universe is but one grand diseased fucking colon

it’s not the ones who say I’m wrong,

but the sorts of types who said I’m right

that showed me well why I can’t be

you pull apart this story until its meaningless gibberish

but only in one direction

you dont know what happened either

what makes you think its not the ones I loved that are the liars?

but its not pleasant to admit how one was duped into actually caring

and that the beautiful art you thought you saw was just an illusion

heck, theyre probably all just assholes

both the ones agreeing and the ones shaking their heads

i wish this fucking universe would implode already

for i dont hate them,

thats the funny part

i cant bring myself to hate them,

i just dont fucking care about anything anymore

And they have the gall to whisper in my ear

‘Is it not better to have love and lost’? The cliche-acity!

Let me interrupt you right there.

Its better not to love.

100% definitely zero doubt

if my life taught me one thing its this

it is better not to love.

everything you love is like a joke the punchline of which is going to be your fucking feelings

still, if you asked my counsel,

I was probably going to tell you that

i wouldnt destroy the art quite yet,

maybe just put it away for a moment

while you can’t look at it.

its much harder to un destroy

You were my favorite, you know?

With your calm, knowing words and your windward hints of music,

blond hair and thick glasses and the smell of old books

and beach sand in creases

There is nothing good in this world.

I'm just

not going to have any fucking opinions anymore

and never get attacked to another work of art ever again, o

or love anything fucking else ever

I understand now that I am not special,

that I am not part of no narrative

and that I’m going nowhere

I am just going to fucking die

and it will mean nothing

all the dreams I had will probably

go well enough unsung

I am nothing, nothing, not ever going to be anything

the sad thing is that despite everything,

i cannot help but feel that there is still a little bit of you

that is beautiful.

[hopeididntscareyou]

maybe this isnt the best way to deal with things. i probably got this from my dad, but i tend to intentionally do things that i know that would hurt a person, not because i want to hurt them but because i care about them and for me "betraying" them would be the only way to save them. i sacrifice my reputation, even though i would look like the bad guy. even though people would hate and resent me. i dont really care that much about their feelings about me anyways. but ya, sometimes it happens. but im just doing it for their own good. so even though, yes i am running deception, i wouldn't say i am completely ethically corrupted as at the end of the day, i feel fulfilled that i do something good for the humanity.

also unrelated topic but i don't understand why people judge others negatively about casual sex. i have been a virgin for a very long time and i dont care if the love of my love has ever done casual sex. its not a redflag to me. no i am not someone who will sleep around but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with having sex with someone you're not in a relationship with as long as you're not hurting anyone or anything in the process. sex is a human experience that you can share with someone and for it to be good and ethical it doesnt have to require a romantic relationship. this is why the dating pool is bad. its so full of people playing RPG for sex because everyone are just conditioned by the society that the end goal is to find a LTR and build family and shit. I'm not even going to start with my antinatalism philosophical bullshit, so to keep it short i just wanna say that its not everyone's life's purpose to build a family. you can reproduce in your own means without creating a human offspring. you can leave an even more remarkable product on this planet by pursueing your passions instead and who knows you would even be remembered by so many generations unrelated to you for it. so many physicists, philosophers, scientists did great things by helping this world made sense and a lot of them died without partners/children. think of isaac newton, nietzsche, etc. i kinda went off tangent with that but back to my original topic, cant we just appreciate sex for what is it and stop associating it only with dating and reproducing? also, casual sex is not always meaningless. for most people it means nothing but for me its not. if i would have sex with someone it means its because i trust them, i'm attracted to them and i appreciate and respecte them as another human being. and in order for that to happen there should be a mutual connection. you have to build trust. its literally just like dating except i don't have any expectations that it will last forever, it just means i am trying to enjoy the present moment for what it is and not limiting myself due to society's test of morality. yes i dont require a commited relationship but it doesnt also mean i would be having sex with every man i get involved with. its not meaningless repetitive shit to me. to me it should be always special and a good experience and if its not then whats the point? i'd rather stay celibate then. but to be honest, one of the reasons why i have been a virgin for a long time is because i was scared people will get the wrong idea of me. but now that im in my mid 20s and old enough to have so many experiences being slutshamed even as a virgin, i dont give a fuck anymore. life is too short to let others opinions rule my life's choices. i realized, no matter what you do, ppl will say whatever they want but it will be always a reflection of their own character and insecurities more than yours. as long as i make myself clear about what i want out of something, then i dont worry about nothing. life becomes easier when you're more honest about yourself than to play stupid redpill mind games.