holycowss

[holycowss]

Truth and it's many combinations

Life and its so many combinations of choices. It's truly a mind corkscrew. I think of all the ways each and every single detail of the choices I make affect my life.

The people I encounter, the lives I cross paths with... It's all a testament to my existence. Sometimes I like to think that some of the small details don't matter, but the truth is that they do.

The truth is that everything is all interconnected, according to a higher power's plan for my life.

Scripture states that I can make my own choices, but nothing will ever hinder the plans of God. I take true refuge in knowing this. Because sometimes I feel as though I am ruining my life, but I remind myself that I will stumble at times, but my intentions are always good and my heart remains pure in every situation I find myself in.

Acknowledging this, allows me to remember that I am not as grand as I believe. That I cannot disrupt the plans of God, for he orchestrates everything. He goes before me, and paves my way, knowing my innermost thoughts and feelings every single moment of my life. He watches me sleep and keeps me safe. He is my fortress and my refuge. How amazing is it to know that I can rest in my silly human mistakes, because God loves me so deeply he will use my errors to create something beautiful.

This evening, I reflect on my solitude. How I play a part in my own heartache, and challenges. It makes me question why I've been willingly choosing hardships my entire life up until this moment. The short answer boils down to the deep hatred I feel for myself. It's because I have grown to learn that I deserve punishment and a hard life and this stems from childhood. It's as if it was lingering dormant like a virus, but finally, like a bamboo shoot, the truth has sprouted into the light, overnight.

It's ugly. The truth. I don't hate myself in a way that I wish I was someone else; more-so, in a way that I wish I was more worthy of my parents love. Because I have familiarized myself with this truth, I have entered a room of wrestling with what my conscious has recognized as truth, but it is so far from the actual truth is.

As I understand this, it is my job to rewire my brain to understand and not to self destruct. This life and all my goals and ambitions would be more easily achieved had it not been for an auto immune disease in my psych. The mind is the most powerful tool, it can work for you or against you. Rewiring this thing to work for me.

The moments we take to sit with ourselves and search for what is really yearning to be felt, heard, seen, and acknowledged are the same feelings that can be a catalyst for growth, or sometimes the opposite.

[holycowss]

BUSINESS TANGENT // TRAUMA RABBIT HOLE

Ideas... they start off with thoughts that eventually evolve into business ideas. I have an idea that I thought of last week (actually last year) and I still am thinking of ways to launch it effectively. I've done the most that I could with it until I feel I got stuck. It's always the marketing that trips me up. Domain purchased, website created, prototypes ordered, etc.. Maybe that is where I need to shift my focus. Into marketing. I'm also learning that I am so worthwhile. I am a little upset that it took me this long to finally realize it but it's true. I don't need anyone, I was born alone and I will die alone but the truth is that if someone wants to stick by my side for the journey of life, of MY life, then they will until I decide I want to dismiss them. I think I just have attachment issues, I want to keep people forever but fail to realize that people are not belongings, everyone has freewill. It just feels impossible to believe that I will ever have a happy family and find someone that believes I'm worthwhile more than me. I wish I could truly rewrite the narrative for my deeply flawed belief on men. Another truth is that the more I age, the more I realize that... my childhood is showing up in my face as patterns and I don't want to face them because they honestly are so terrifying. And I don't mean that in a nervous way, I mean it in a I-fear-for-my-life way. Like it really feels like I have a grown alcoholic man chasing me and I need to find the quickest place to hide myself. I don't know why I typed that but maybe my subconscious thoughts just decided to drop a fat hint and make an appearance only to disappear all over again and take a back seat. I feel like my whole life I have been running and now I have all this time on my hand to address what needs to be addressed and somehow I still find a way to avoid it.... (Oh, look, a squirrel!) I find myself wanting to jump back into a life of chaos so I don't have to face the music but it's literally rotting my brain and hindering my growth. You mean to tell me I need to clean up a mess I didn't make ????? Jetto. I want to speak to management.

[holycowss]

" the rush is fun at first but it doesn't last :( " -Wendy Ramos

[holycowss]

Feb 26th 2024

I think I'm just a small person with a lot to say. I surprisingly always have a lot to say. So much so that, I think I actually might launch something close to a talk show because of it.

I try not to gossip too much, because I know it's a sin. But my downfall is knowing that I will never be perfect and still striving for it.

I believe this life experience is far too vast to keep enclosing in what is my mind. Far too vast for something so simple like a journal. I romantisize a journal and then eventually fall numb to it. I become used to it and it loses it's spark and my yearning to feed it everyday.

I am so happy I met Wendy, to me she glows brightly with wisdom and love and nurturing and assureness if that is even a word. But she has truly inspired me to embrace where I currently am in life.

I felt for the longest time I was a hamster in a wheel, just constantly running trying to accomplish the next big goal. Did I graduate high school? Did I get it done in three years? Did I get my AP credits? Did I get my associates degree by the time I planned on it? I took a pause in the middle before I transferred to University. I went to real estate school but all it taught me was that I didn't want to be an agent I wanted to be an investor. It seems I am never fully satisfied at entry level things. I guess the saying is true that I am a go big or go home kind of gal.

If it was a vet I figured, I can just be a human doctor. If it's a flight attendant, I figured I can be a pilot. I am never truly satisfied with where I am, just looking for the next big thing that will gain me praise and acknowledgement. What a sad way to life your life.

2023 really did a number on me. I made it through the whole year pushing through and doing life on my terms and boy was it challenging. Just a girl, her dog and her apartment. I was in a super toxic corporate work environment that made me cry every day before going in and made me just eager to get out.

~HOURS LATER~

I received a call from this number I texted that was from a facebook group and it somehow apparently is a social media influencer and a pilot for american airlines seemed way too good to be true he was super pushy and dominant and those guys are def worth staying away from idk my train of thought has been interrupted i dont even know what im talking about anymore bye

[holycowss]

I’m so delusional hhahaha eff this guy

[holycowss]

If it’s not him Lord bring me someone ten times better

[holycowss]

[holycowss]

I let him back in and he broke my heart again. Character development. Lesson learned. I have dragged myself through the ringer for this guy. I have been caught in a cycle of self sabotage because he triggered my fight or flight. Thank you 2023. I owe myself so much in 2024. Four years to close it just like this. Nice.

11.16.2023

[holycowss]

went to the gym today for the first time in God knows how love. I started the year at 127 and now I’m 96lbs. ’ve completely lost myself this year. Everything’s crumbled before my eyes and im healing my childhood traumas and my relationship of 4 years disintegrated before my eyes, my hearts been deceived and i ask myself why has there not been any consideration for me? I give so much and im left completely empty and exhausted drained and what the actual F God? It’s like I haven’t even been really living just existing trying to make it through this life alone.

11/15/23

[holycowss]

Me doing girly things at target by myself because I’ve done everything alone my entire life sigh

11/12/23

[holycowss]

Trial and error

[holycowss]

It was good that you were afflicted

[holycowss]

Delayed blessings 💗

[holycowss]

9/30

You can go a day without talking to me? Nice. Now go a lifetime ✌🏼

[holycowss]

Pass, not worth my energy anymore

[holycowss]

9/30 It always blowwwwws my mind when I find out I’m actually not the problem even though it’s felt like it my whole life.

People treat me poorly then I Spazz out and I’M the bad guy. For spazzing out for being treated poorly.

God sees everything so I’m not worried. Everytime I felt things were crumbling he’s always shown me that things always end up SO much better for me but I’m the one who fails to trust him.

Why’s it so hard trusting? 😔😔😔

[holycowss]