#i don't want to repeat myself but. i wish i was there. i wish i could ve there for their journey. i wish i could support them.
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While I intend this blog to remain a largely news-free space due to the constant hellstate of the world, let me be clear that I stand in full support of both the Palestinian and Jewish peoples who are currently experiencing relentless hate and suffering in these horrid times.
I am disgusted at the number of people, especially "progressives" on this website who have used this situation to spread both Islamophobia and Antisemitism. This goes double if you dared to reblog those "punch nazis/fascists <3" and "[x] are welcome here!" posts while in the next breath spreading dangerous fucking narratives that kill people.
So many people in online political spaces evidently see this as nothing more than a case of picking "sides", when ultimately what matters is supporting the oppressed against fascist governments and militias, wherever they are.
Common people will always have more alike with each other than their leaders. This is not a novel concept. Your activism should always be motivated by love and compassion first, and hatred second. If you use your beliefs as an excuse to find an acceptable target to vent your hatred towards regardless of the actual material outcome, you are no fucking activist.
You're a bigot.
#current events#antisemitism#islamophobia#scrawny rambles#scrawny speaks#again i have not been saying much both for the fact that this blog is meant to be a quiet place#and that i do not consider myself to be a reliable source of serious information and/or morals#but regardless i have been watching i have been taking note#i see you i hear you#and while i am currently in no position to materially help right now#the moment i can i will#i don't like signalling this kind of thing because i want it to be evident in how i *act*#but as this cannot be taken as a given i will say this:#you are welcome here. i am so sorry the world is hateful and vile and i wish i could wipe it all away.#you and your folk did nothing to deserve this and you are right to be scared. and i wish to give you my love.#fascism and genocide are not things to be taken lightly. bigoted 'jokes' are vile and dangerous. human life is what's at stake.#we are heading into a wave of hate that has the potential to repeat history in the worst way imaginable. get a fucking grip.#i'm unlikely to address this further as again. reasons stated above. but i wanted to make my stance clear.#it is late as fuck and i'm pissed. people who should know better miss the fucking memo completely.#i'm fucking glad i unfollowed a popular blogger when i did because look what they're posting now. antisemetic 'jokes'.#i really wonder how common this shit truly is. how many people get away with cloaking themselves as 'progressive.'#or perhaps they genuinely think they are. cognitive dissonance is one hell of a drug. fuck them regardless. scum.#you are no progressive. you are a bigot. a leftist bigot is a bigot regardless of how 'revolutionary' you posture to be.#anyhow apologies for any errors. again. it's late. hope you guys are doing well <3
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@/lisa-russell has reposted yours and many other artists splatoon art. While they include your user in the screenshot I take it they still did this without permission, just wanted to let you know.
hmm, i checked their blog and i don't see anything that's been reposted... but if you got them to take something down, i appreciate that. thank you for letting me know
#cowposting#wish i had a way of verifying this because i don't want to incite any anger towards this user when i can't find any reposted art myself#but yeah i'd rather people reblog from me instead of reposting for sure. not that anybody DOESN'T prefer that but maybe its worth repeating
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I usually leave my DMs open universally for comm requests, but that horse is dead and I'm putting dms on just for people I follow again <3
#time and time again I post a picture of myself and time and time again I get got#and then a few long months later I'm like after all why not#why shouldn’t I post a picture of myself#that being said credit where credit is due telling me I'm cute is definitely not the worst I've ever gotten#so it's all good#I'm just not gonna answer esp if you follow my ART BLOG because of my face#in retrospect I was completely wrong to post 1 photo of myself I guess#just don't want a repeat of that guy who followed me and was like here I followed you now you have to pay attention to me and asked me like#increasingly strange questions about Kyle McLachlan and Isabella Rossellini's sex scene in blue velvet#and what my favorite part of it was#full disclosure blue velvet is not even that graphic#and then I was like “what possessed this person...” but then I remembered there was 1 picture of me on this blog and I was like “Oh yeah”#and deleted it#so in retrospect again I have nothing to say for myself#*turns my blog into an actual blog and then gets cursed by a witch who wishes me to only post art* “get her ass”#anyway#wmp talks
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Song of the Day: February 17
“DYWTYLM” by Sleep Token
#song of the day#Sleep Token really saving my sanity as we navigate this dark and uncertain time without an upgraded sibling singalong playlist#had to go out into the snow on under two hours' sleep to get groceries#(the farmers' market gave me kefir cheese so any amount of suffering would've been worthwhile but I couldn't know that at the time)#and getting into Nick's car knowing there was music I could request that he could play loud as he wanted and I wouldn't want to cry#I mean blessing isn't even a strong enough term. baking a cake for the Sleep Token guy (his name is Vessel) as we speak#anyway this song sounds incredible in the original and then so odd sung acapella. like singing a bass line just a couple beats repeating#polar opposite of my lady indie covers. a song rendered fully unrecognizable when I wander the house mumbling it to myself#the verses do alright I suppose but the chorus is out of the question. the lyrics are so strong too real gut-punch lines#'and my reflection just won't smile back at me like I know it should / and I would turn into a stranger in an instant if I could#and there is something eating me alive I don't know what it is / maybe not that you conceal your feelings they just don't exist'#the whole song is like that it is so so so good. every new Sleep Token song I hear I'm like oh of course yes I see why these are fic titles#(Sleep Token catching up to Fall Out Boy and Hozier in terms of lines I've seen as fic titles. I mean we are really getting up there#and I am definitely not immune. if/when I put up those fanmixes y'all are gonna be seeing some Sleep Token let me tell you)#edit: it stands for 'Do You Wish That You Loved Me' I just realized I never said#didn't even pick lyrics that include it which is nuts when you realize that every verse does twice. whoops
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ughhhh writing hard
#it has truly been like pulling teeth today.#sometimes i write things that are actually good with prose that makes me go 'oh that's clever'#and sometimes writing is like it is today. where i all i do is 'they do this and then do this and then do this and oh my god.#i have repeated myself 3 times already i can see it. but i don't know how to fix it'#yes yes i know that's what editing is for but god dammit do i wish i didn't have to edit every fuckin' thing i write#if only things could be good the first time i try. ugh ugh ugh#i know where i want it to go brain just doesn't want it to go anywhere today#worried that it's bloated. that i have too many words. that too many things are irrelevant.#that there's no real plot despite Altogether Too Many Words. that i haven't put in enough conflict to warrant this many words.#that things are just cobbled together upon my whims and will not read in a way that is intuitive.#mrghhhhhh#it's fine i'll be fine i just want this to be good. i don't want to post altogether too many words of poor-quality writing.#i want it to be good and atmospheric and compelling like so many fics i've read that have been impactful.#i'm afraid it won't be good at all.#i'm trying really hard not to get in my own way and not get stuck on these moments#and just get actions and happenings down on the page so i don't get hung up on my writing quality#and just never finish anything#i've been writing on my own for a few years now (fic that i haven't cobbled into anything coherent and never posted)#but i don't really know if it's good. sometimes there are moments. but it's never what i want it to be.#and i'm afraid. but i want it. i'm trying.#just painful today is all.
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they should invent a nighttime that doesn't make OCD worse
#at least it's not just me according to a quick search I did#but still ughhhhhh#I know what I need to do to cope but then when I'm in the moment it feels like I'm literally dying#I would get into more detail but explaining the stuff that goes through my head sounds so ridiculous like ?????#I know I already did [action] so there's no need for me to get out of bed and repeat it 20+ times before I let myself sleep!#I... I don't do that during the daytime... because that would feel ridiculous and irrational#but Nighttime Brain is like “you gotta”#don't try to reason with OCD because it Does Not Care! :')#the fact I'm able to recognize how ridiculous this is should be comforting#but like I said in the moment all my mind wants to do is convince me that tonight is the night I'm gonna die#and that it's all my fault and that I've ruined everything#I would not wish this on anyone#(except as a free trial to those people who say they want OCD when they don't really understand how much it sucks to deal with it)#sigh#anyway it's only 3 PM but I'm already dreading nighttime so that's why this popped into my mind#I'll be fine
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This has been a rant building up for a while now and I just need to put it in here but it's that. I remember the joy and excitement I felt when I watched y/o/i ep 1 - 10 because I literally. Knew nothing about the show except for the fact it was gay?? dvsjgshd but it just was so GOOD but then I. Came across a couple of interpretations of ep 11-12 (which I hadn't watched by then so I had no idea what went down) which was just people being disappointed, people thinking the ending was changed for a season 2, people thinking it was out of nowhere (especially V/ictor's comeback?? I guess??) And that really. messed up my perception of the show?? Like upto then I was forming my own interpretations of the characters and after this I. Was lowkey scared to watch the last two episodes because I was afraid of it being bad™ (if that even makes sense) and then one day even when I did watch them I didn't watch them properly?? Like I even missed a lot of scene and dialogue because I was too nervous about what I had read about it before.
And like. I don't even think those interpretations are entirely wrong for record. I understand that especially when there was a whole week between episodes and when the fandom was so huge and active people might have a very different viewing experience which directly plays into how they interpreted the character arcs! And those interpretation are extremely valid even though I disagree with them. The show definitely leaves a lot upto intrepretation of the viewers so there isn't any interpretation that is necessarily wrong™ (Idk how to phrase this sorry)
But it's just that I wasn't able to form MY own interpretation properly because I was influenced by others' ?? (In lack of a better way to word it) and I just. I've been mulling over this for a whole MONTH and going back and forth and back about the ending. And it just feels very draining when I go out to look for meta and people who had opinions similar to mine and find...like what ten people?? it kind of makes me feel like I am looking at things wrong, and that probably the finale WAS just bad or whatever (which seems to be a more common idea in what I've seen)
I do think there were pacing issues, and I do think the character arcs CAN be interpreted differently than what they are in the finale but I also am a bit sad that not many people tried to recontextualise the show in light of the finale (again, it isn't a MUST But I really wish people tried to if I am making sense?)
And it's sad because I know this can be fun if I just created my own bubble without all the meta and opinions I disagree with but it's hard when that is somehow always what I come across? And I KNOW I should stop reading a post when I see that it may suggest something towards the opinions that I disagree with (because that'll just waste my energy), but then what if I AM wrong? What if those posts are right and I am willingly closing my eye towards what the characters originally are or something?? Is what perplexes me out and really makes me sort of nervous and uneasy(?)
And now it is getting worse and I feel like I am slowly losing all the love I had for this show and it absolutely SUCKS because I just want to enjoy this silly little show and now this is all....just a mess
#N rambles#I feel like I am just repeating things at this point#I've been trying to hold back a lot from venting about this on the main because it just plainly seems like a very trivial thing to be this#upset about#But after weeks of ranting in tags I just feel I really HAVE to say this because it is actually really making me sad#Like. I thought maybe after exams I wouldn't be upset? And I was so excited to do a lot more things for the show#I was so excited and looking forward to this#Especially since I have TOO much of free time now so I also am prone to overthinking in such a situation#And I did and this just sucks and I am fed up with just overthinking and keeping all of this to myself and getting too upset#so. yeah. I still feel very bad but I also think it's probably due to a lot. Of other factors#and this one is not helping#And for one thing: I am actually really nervous about posting this because this seems to be such a dividing topic#And by no means am I saying people shouldn't have been upset - but...yeah#I just. Don't know. I really do wish I could find more people who are active and who liked the finale?? I really want to talk about#The character arcs and themes and ramble about them but there's no one to. talk about it to positively???#I also want to rewatch the show. It would actually just solve this problem but#I am low-key scared??? I don't think this would be a right time to do it because I am just really confused about this whole issue and it#Will definitely reflect in forming my own opinions and I don't want that#like at this point I just want to discuss about the finale with people who also didn't feel it was too off or ooc or something#And just tried to intrepret it in good faith#Again I don't really care about people disliking it obviously#It's just that*I* wish I could find more people who liked it#(sorry for the weird phrasing in this whole post I am trying to express what I feel but idk how to do it exactly)#Also I used the slashes because I don't want this to turn up on search sorry
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aaand now that everyone seems to have polls i am feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated by them lol. there is an over-saturation of polls
#also. i know it's not that deep but man seeing some ppl opinions on things abt this show................#and seeing ppl pick the Wrong options....#i am very good at keeping my opinions to myself but god. godddd it's getting harder w/ polls bc i like being right#but i want to stay nice lol#and it really isn't that deep i know i knoww (keeps repeating like a mantra for myself)#i don't mean this as a vague on any one specific poll either i am just seeing. So much. and it's truly overstimulating me#i kinda wish there was a way to filter out polls a bit bc i need a break from them#vic.txt
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#i live in hell#im barely climbing out of the hole of a major depressive episode that i barely made out of alive#and i agree that for my own sanity it was a good call that i not move away from here as soon as i had planned#but i have been lowkey harassed twice while shopping for groceries entirely unprovoked#and some dude decided to preach at my work just now for over an hour with like prayers and everything#and that's just within the past 5 days#i felt so uncomfortable#evangelist christians really have no clue they could be sending someone hurrying home as fast as possible#because my religious trauma is so fucking deep and i really wish my manager had kicked the asshole out because#THAT PLACE IS PUBLIC. NOT EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING STATE BELIEVES THE SAME SHIT.#I WAS HOLDING BACK A PANIC ATTACK UNTIL I FINALLY JUST GRABBED MY SHIT AND LEFT AND KRPT MY EYES DOWN SO I WOULDN'T GET CORNERED#and i had already spent half my night waking myself up having mini panics too#and other bullshit that im really too frustrated about to repeat today#i hate utah#i hate it here so much 😭#im terrified#i wanna be openly queer so bad but if strangers are feeling free to see anything questionable about me#and think it's fine to be outright assholes then i really don't want to imagine the danger i would be in if i were out#i don't have my therapy appointment until wednesday and i already hate that im gonna have to dump all this too#please someone just take me to whatever queer utopian island alternate universe there is i need a break
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Oh okay I've now realized that my last group of friends has completely fucked my ability to form new close relationships or find myself worthy of interacting with people I perceive to be better than me (aka all people)
#just sitting here like :|#i know that feeling of like every time you lose someone in your life a part of you goes with them but I didn't realize how bad it was until#i got into a situation where I tried to make new friends and then it's just my brain wondering when they're gonna turn on me and I'll be#hated by a new group of people and I keep trying so hard to patch things up and make new friends and it's just like every time no one wants#to talk about anything that went wrong they simply want to leave without explanation or sympathy#i feel like I've been alone so long that I forgot how to be a person around other people#I'm wearing my person suit and just keep repeating 'be yourself' but I didn't fucking know who I am when I'm not completely alone drowning#out my thoughts with as much Pinterest music and stupid tv I can handle at once#like ugh I just wish I hadn't fucked everything up so bad with my last few groups of friends#i just want to feel like myself again and everytime i just barely start to feel like myself I find new friends and as I adapt to them they#leave and I'm alone again and I have to find who I really am all over again#why do I change for other people? i don't even realize I'm doing it until it's too late#ughhhhhhh#i am just exhausted#and my head hurts and I feel gross and tired and I want to cry and today is 75 days since my dad died and I've been thinking about him a lot#and I'm just so fucking exhausted and sad and emotional and I just want someone to fucking like and for me to believe them
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Pardofelis and Kalpas getting Rin and Sakura out safely has lived in my mind rent-free for days now
#Damn I love that she had people who were more loyal to her than the entirety of humanity#I am actually looking forwards now to know more of them if only for this storyline haha#Picking locks and going unnoticed Pardo working alongside burly noisy wreck it all Kalpas in a team together#making it work in the weirdest most annoyed with each other possible way#only to get someone's little sister out of a shitty situation is like cherries in winter actually haha#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#Not to be like 'the Alley group are the most involved bunch in this event' but the Alley group are the most involved bunch in this event#Kalpas' anger at Aponia's discipline being indirectly cause of the killing#How his own discipline plays a part in his line about Rin being an 'innocent little girl'#Pardo wanting to meet Rin and grieving Sakura and wishing to have been there because for once she thinks her skills could have helped#Kalpas still grieving and angry 50.000 years afterwards‚ still thinking they would have lived had he been there‚ even if it meant dying#I don't know. I really like that the people most linked to the Alley are the people most linked to the Rin event#And how both events parallel each other (a killing of innocents for the greater good)#How some have repeated roles and how some had the opposite roles and how some wished they had had the same roles#How those who were present were absent and how that changed everything#How changing everything is making the second event end the same way the first one did#Anyway...#I have a favourite HI3 character I guess haha#I could punch myself
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What I Want You To Know About Long COVID
Well lads, I've been suffering from Long COVID for over a year now. My life is at a complete standstill. I'm 25 years old and I'm too sick to go back to school, I can't work, I had to move back in with my parents and I'm still stuck here.
Here are just a few things I wish people knew about Long COVID, including things I didn't know myself until I got it.
COVID destroys your immune system. Yes, even if you don't have Long COVID. Are you getting sick more often now? When you get sick, does it last longer? There are many studies showing that COVID causes t cell depletion, even in mild COVID cases! T cells are how your body remembers how to fight off infections you've had before so losing those cells? Bad news.
Your initial infection can be mild and you can still get Long COVID. Right from Yale Medicine, "Most people with Long COVID had mild acute COVID." (This is also a good link for a basic Long COVID overview).
There can be a gap of time between when you "get better" from the initial COVID infection to the onset of Long COVID symptoms. Some people get sick with an initial COVID infection and never get better. Some get better and then weeks or months later start developing Long COVID symptoms. Long COVID symptoms can even fluctuate over time, can go away for months and then suddenly come back.
So many people have Long COVID and don't realize it. Do you feel more tired lately but no matter how much you sleep, nothing helps? Is it harder to concentrate at work or school? Can you just not think like you used to? You could have Long COVID and not even know it. Even mild post-COVID symptoms are still Long COVID.
COVID can do anything to your body. Long COVID has over 200 recognized symptoms and can affect basically any part or system of your body. There is no one mechanism or cause of Long COVID which unfortunately also means there's no one cure either.
The effects of COVID are cumulative. Each COVID reinfection increases your chances of developing Long COVID. COVID is also affecting your body in other ways, yes, even if you're otherwise young and healthy! "Repeat COVID-19 infections increase risk of organ failure, death".
Once you have Long COVID, repeat COVID infections will make your symptoms worse. "80% [of Long COVID patients] saw their symptoms worsen [from reinfection]. In 60% of people who were in recovery or remission from Long COVID, reinfection caused a recurrence of Long COVID."
There is a lot more I want to say about Long COVID but I want to keep this post at least somewhat manageable to read. Like how when COVID is contracted during pregnancy, those COVID-exposed fetuses have a 6.3-fold increased risk of motor developmental delays, or that another study found 50% of babies exposed to COVID in utero had developmental delays.
You need to keep caring about COVID, for others around you and also for yourself even if you're "healthy". Everyone is at risk. And don't forget 40-60% of COVID infections are asymptomatic, which is why masking even if you feel fine is crucial. The only way right now to not get Long COVID is to not get COVID in the first place. It's not too late, if you've stopped masking it's never too late to start again! I know it's easy to get distracted by things in your life that seem more real than the possibility of getting sick some time in the future, and the peer pressure to not mask can be intense. But it only feels less real or less important until your entire life is having Long COVID. Trust me.
I know this is a complicated issue, many people can't afford to stay home when sick even if they want to because of their jobs, there are disgusting policies trying to ban wearing masks, but please if you can. Keep masking. Masking works, masking saves lives.
This post got a bit longer than I wanted so below the cut is a non-exhaustive list of my Long COVID symptoms and some of my experiences as one of the "healthy young people" who got "unlucky". cw brief mention of suicidal ideation.
Welcome to the Thunderdome that is my body with Long COVID. Keep in mind these are just my experiences and symptoms, Long COVID can cause any range of symptoms at varying severities.
Dysautonomia: Exercise intolerance, Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), fatigue, and heat intolerance. What do those things mean? Here's some specific examples. Absolutely terrible circulation I am so cold all the time but also, if I get a little too warm I will pass out. Eating hot food makes my heart rate spike, I sweat, my body feels heavy. Blood pooling and pins and needles in my feet when I walk. Don't even think about exercising past walking, it's impossible. I used to work out an hour a day 4 times a week and now walking up one flight of stairs makes my heart pound and I can't breathe. Can't take even just warm showers anymore or I will pass out. Heat rashes from being in the sun for 10 minutes.
Digestive issues: Honestly too many to name but: constant bloating, extreme nausea, constipation, slow motility, lack of appetite, just so much cramping and pain. I lost 18 pounds from Long COVID, as someone who was already considered underweight their entire life, and almost had to get a shunt put into my chest to deliver nutrients because I was nearly completely unable to eat. For the first 6 months of Long COVID, if I could manage 600 calories a day, that was a good day.
Histamine intolerance: Oh boy. My worst symptoms, I don't even know where to start with it. If you know Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) it's very similar. I can only eat 19 foods. If i eat a single bite of something not on that list, it's 48 hours of absolute hell. Coughing, migraines, itchy eyes, such extreme nausea I cannot even describe it, panic/feeling of doom, racing heart rate, derealization, rash, uncontrollable muscle tremors. I only learned about histamine intolerance 5 months into having Long COVID so before that, I was experiencing these symptoms nearly every single day. Terrifying isn't even a strong enough word to describe how it felt to experience all this and have no idea what it was, how to stop it, or if it would ever stop. Really dark times.
Neurological issues: More of that derealization. Inability to concentrate. Anxiety. OCD-like symptoms such as thoughts getting "stuck" in my head, repeating 24/7 completely unable to stop them, genuinely felt like my brain had cracked open and I had lost my mind. Constant dizziness like I'm on a boat.
Sleep issues: I sleep like garbage. I have insomnia, I wake up dozens of times every night and every single time I sleep I have intensely vivid dreams. I can't sleep longer than 7 hours total no matter how exhausted I am. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted, I'm so so tired.
And finally. Just. Really intense suicidal ideation. My body, my health, my entire life has been stolen from me because someone else decided my life was worth less to them than wearing a mask or staying home if they feel sick. Before I got Long COVID, I was preparing to go to South Korea to teach English, then on to a PhD in neurolinguistics, I was supposed to meet my long distance partner and had already booked plane tickets when I got sick. All of that has been destroyed.
Most of us with Long COVID are stuck in a cycle of being extremely sick, then if you're lucky you'll slowly get better over months, just to get reinfected and go right back where you started or worse. Honestly, I'm not scared of dying from COVID. I'm scared of living for a long time, suffering from Long COVID the entire time. This isn't living.
I don't know how to end this now. I'm still fighting, I'm trying experimental treatments, I'm not giving up yet. I hope everyone reading this stays healthy and well.
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I wonder when I started feeling about festivities the way I am now, with no will to celebrate, get involved in and enjoy them, considering them more of a stressful chore and something I just need to go through as quickly and less painfully as possible 😞
#I wonder#it's been few years now of the same charade and each year is a little worse#as to why I feel this way I believe it's mainly to the fact that I am surrounded by people#who don't see and live these occasions like I do or at least would like to live and celebrate#I 'm not saying I'm right and they're wrong - just different but still this clashes between us#moreover I feel personally like each year there is something less to rejoice for#due to personal and global events (or non events in my case)#that's on me of course but I just feel so drained#especially today - because while I would compromise and bear other festivities that are shared#today for example it is my birthday and yet people insist on celebrating the way they want#despite me having voiced my feelings about this#so here I am today more than ever literally repeating to myself that I just need to resist and suck it up#and it's been like this for a while#I know it's me who did and is doing something wrong to have arrived at this point#and I still struggle to find a way to live things my way#it involves a lot of courage and some disregard for what other people think#that I still can't find in myself at least not enough#and not just about this matter but about life in general#it's probably my only true wish for next year if I have any#to have the strength to work through this swamp I'm stuck in currently
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Hm
#my posts#look yes i keep making at least one post like this a day and it will continue but its either letting it out or i have no idea#also in my defense y believe most of my mutuals arent up so it is peak time to post about feeling like shit#my plan isnt for someone to read these its for the bullshit to get out and try to not get to the point shit hits the fan#anyways man teen me would be so fucking disappointed by so many things the mere fact we are still alive would make them livid#and alive and living like this?#probably if they knew it was gonna be like this it would have happened lmao#they would just think we are a coward and a dumbass who can't do anything right tbh but they did know then too it's not knew#if it was new we wouldn't be here wouldn't we. why am i referring to is in plural it's just two dif timed mes#but yeah they are probably like 'hey of you are gonna keep living at least you could do it in a way no one regrets it' but alas we do#and we will keep regretting it bc our death won't be our choice. the deadline for it was extended until we were 20 and it's long closed#.... things are getting worse tho they put true but like. that isn't an option anymore lmao it sucks tbh#... i don't have anything else to say that isn't repeating it#i. do wish it was still an option idek why it isn't anymore it's some stupid arbitrary rule#i hate this. it's like. i really don't do a single thing that could make any version of me proud of myself#not teen me not child me not current me. none of us is okay with whatever the fuck i have going on and yet!#.man. I've spent all day tired and wanting to cry for nothing particular but also for literally everything so like#that would fix me. i don't know how to make it happen#... I'm gonna go to sleep#i need my phone to finish charging but that'll be over soon#so yeah I'll. go to sleep soon
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we r so over like my anxiety is so bad in these type of settings and i can truly never figure out how to stop being so Afraid of fucking stuff up these ppl r my friends and ive known them years and look they probably aren't going to be mean to me but i'm convinced i'm on thin thin ice
#n constantly on the alert looking 4 reasons that i was doing stuff wrong n yesterday I was like that without meaning 2 be#I just arrived n already felt out of place n i just can't figure out how to express this without sounding insane#like i don't think it's anyone's fault but my own but it's like shaddap n b normal#like i did feel so sick I had to sit down but i think it may have been an anxiety induced thing#I had to come home like n stay at home today to recooperste it was just too much.#in chihuahua mode like shivering n shit. I had to shut my mouth closed n keep doing the 5 things yoke to stop myself from Freaking Out#whatever n i feel so terrible telling anyone this bc of all of what happened last year I just don't want to repeat it n make ppl feel bad#I wish to be mentally well I swear I haven't cared about this shit since school but now it's like school 2 or something#electric picnic should have silly stations for those who are suffering from silly syndrome
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goddamn i havent felt This bad so early in the day (without a direct and immediate source of fear) in a long time I think !! goddamn!!!
#i want to go shrivel up and die like... A Lot#i just keep repeating ''damn!!! damn boy!!! shit!!! fuck damn!!!!'' in my head in a very echoey detached way#keeping me a bit grounded or smth idk im just so tired#i want to write but im too exhausted to do that#so i just. lie here. and try to disconnect from myself so i don't lose my mind entirely. not going well#arggghhhhh#im going to go lie down properly for a while maybe. sure wish I could get even a semblance of a proper nights sleep for once#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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