#i don't wanna worry anyone to much

[ineed-to-sleep]

PASSED MY DRIVING THEORY TEST BITCH!!!! I'M GONNA DRIVE!!!!!!!

[waterfallofspace]

little nervous making this post and not expecting much interaction but!!

the Friday Snz Ask Games look really fun, (credit to @poiub55,hope it's okay to tag! <3) so if anyone would like any of those little wavs, would be happy to give it a try, inbox is open!

[yellow-computer-mouse]

lil vent- tw mentions of hypothetical animal death, animal illness, stuff like that

so my cat azzy went to the vet a while back and they said he has a heart murmur. he's lost 2/3rds of his weight in the past couple years. (he's also had a cone for a while (got it off recently) bc of a bad reaction to a flea bite, but that's unrelated)

his fur's not as soft as it used to be and he's not acting the same. he's always been very dramatic, meowing when you walk past him to make you think you hurt him so you feel bad. lately, he's not been doing that, and hasn't even been meowing when you actually step on him (i accidentially stepped on his tail, and all he did was let out this sad little cry when i went to pet him and apologize). the weight loss and heart murmur are signs of hyperthyroidism, which isn't good.

i'm just really worried about him. i feel so bad, and i'm just really scared that he's going to die soon. he's my first pet (alongside my dog, who i'll also miss a ton, but he's very healthy. same with chloe, my other cat) and i'm not anywhere near ready to let go. i know it's probably nothing to worry about, but we haven't gotten another appointment to confirm what it is, and i'm just so worried about him. i'm not ready for him to die. i love him so much, and this is my first experience with this, and i'm so fucking scared. i don't want him to die. he's my perfect little crybaby and i love him and he's old and sick and i'm not ready for him to die. i don't want him to die. i love him so much. i can't put it into words how much i love him, and how much i already miss him, because he's not acting himself.

he's not being dramatic and he's losing weight and his fur isn't as soft as it was just a month ago. i'm so fucking sad and scared because i don't want him to die. i love him. i love my cat azzy. i love you azzy. please don't die on me please i'm not ready i don't want you to die i need you to stay with me you can't be sick you have to be okay i'm not ready to say goodbye

i love you azzy. please don't go. you're so important to me and i can't handle this. i love you.

[knoproblem]

Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here.

Is that why I opened the windows?

Maybe I asked the fog to come…

-MAG170: Recollection

[loverlylight]

Bad news: I can tell my default state is shifting into Bad as a baseline instead of visiting it every so often.

Good news: at least I'm aware of it?

Bad news: do not know what to do with said awareness

[usercelestial]

okay this means nothing to anyone but every time i see an anti bucktommy girlie have a horrible take i have to take a step back and realize how genuinely small they feel. like imagine throwing a fit, drawing pictures of a person as a lizard, creating blogs and posts about how much you want to kill him all over a fictional relationship that may not even last the entire duration of a show about firefighters. like permanently altering relationships and rejecting friendships over things like this. like they have such a cesspit inside themselves, they are deeply unhappy with being online in these spaces, they are tormenting themselves over something that doesn't matter and i remember how much i can't let myself fall into that like oh my god please never let me be that kind of person

[dawntheduckrb]

I'll stop posting wips eventually but it's been five days since I've said anything and I don't want anyone to think I'm dead/dying/stuck in a ditch and withering away, so here's 10% of the reason I disappeared (the duck is stuck in rendering hell) (and my little baby laptop is screaming at me every time I open up this file)

I might still be mostly lurking for a little bit so please be patient with me in the meantime 🙏🙏

[dorianbrightmusic]

learned helplessness, & sweeping up internal/external hurricanes

i'd say one thing we don't discuss enough with mental health is the sheer terror of having something going on that you can't really describe, or that you don't comprehend well enough to be able to explain. so as a result, you end up dealing with some of the worst mental health symptoms you've ever had simply because you cannot describe them. a therapist, no matter how good, can seldom help if they don't know it's going on; and you can't tell other people that you're distressed, because if you don't get the wording right, they'll suspect you of something else, and then you'll have worried them without even getting help for the original distress.

when i first started having intrusive thoughts, i couldn't tell they were intrusive thoughts: i had an egosyntonic disorder at the time, meaning i couldn't really tell my own will apart from this other thing that was splitting my mind into little pieces. as such, i couldn't say 'i'm having violent intrusive thoughts', since i was scared that a part of me was genuinely turning violent. the result? i could only really articulate that i felt very afraid and unsafe, but not that 'i actually have this terrible feeling that i'm not in control of my body or mind'. trying to articulate 'i know it's irrational but every time i hear this song i wrote, i think i'm going to die, so i had to delete it from my computer and wipe the backup drives'?. couldn't do it, for it was something that could have made no more sense to anyone else than it did to me.

how do you articulate that your internal monologue doesn't feel like your own? you don't. it's not something that makes sense to you, so it'll certainly sound insane to anyone else. so you push it down and desperately hope it resolves. and it does, but the experience of not being able to talk about it, of not knowing what's going on and others never being able to understand when you try to explain – it's isolating, so isolating. so you learn to cling to any morsel of emotion, of validation, that you can get, and hence you learn to be disappointed, because you have an unspeakable conundrum. you hide each bit of yourself and then resent the fact that people complied when you instructed them not to go looking, and resent those who went looking and still never quite pieced you back together. nobody hurt you and nobody pushed you away and everyone was kind, but your experience is now fragmented, and if only someone could see that, could fix that.

i had a bad year last year—my memory gave out, and i lost a sense of joy. i saw static when i closed my eyes. at the time, this was called work-related stress. and sure, i was stressed; but 12 months later, i had a moment of sheer clarity in an elevator, where i finally could describe what'd happened. not just 'i was sad'. i had felt like i hadn't existed. my entire identity had ruptured and i was trying to pilot a body that didn't recognise itself. and that was the exact summation of it all, but had i been able to see that, let alone say that, at the time? no, and as a result, i learnt to be disheartened and afraid, and what was probably depression-adjacent at least and actual depression at most got brushed off as stress. which is fair, because overpathologising isn't necessarily helpful, but when you are lonesome, and you know there could have been an answer, a consolation————

that's the problem with mental health – you can't help someone who doesn't know what's happening to them, who thus can't communicate what's happening to them, unless you can somehow guide them to work out what's going on. and that's not something most people have time to achieve. the result is that we grow isolated and resentful because we didn't get the help that never could have been (but oh, if it could have been). and you stop trusting that people will hear you. given how many mental health symptoms are marked by that sense of not knowing what's going on – intrusive thoughts, dissociation, panic, demoralisation, anxiety, psychosis, trauma, detachment, despair – then it still is quite easy in today's world to feel a sense of becoming helpless to your own unspeakable terror.

[who-the-fuck-is-sennalye]

I wish i could be an adult in the mid-2000s instead of being born there

[augustpoem]

-

[letbuckfuck]

.

[victorluvsalice]

-->And then it was time for everyone to converge on the greenhouse and help out Victor – specifically, by doing some targeted harvesting while he finished up his tending! I had Alice return to normal and rush in there to pick the coconuts, the pineapples, the soy and black beans (and evolve a couple of plants while she was at it), while Smiler picked a bunch of their herbalism stuff (with a focus on stuff like the noxious elderberries and poison fireleaf I didn’t have before). Smiler then dusted Victor’s bees with mite treatment, fertilized their noxious elderberries so they could evolve them up to nice level, and headed upstairs to have a nice bath –

-->And Alice got sent to the kitchen to make some more food for the food stand, using her new appliances! :D Because if we’re going to have a food sale, we need to have food to sell! She’d already made a garden pizza last playsession while at the store, which was already in the stand – I thus had her make a fresh batch of dough in the stand mixer, then bake up some banana split waffles, a loaf of artful focaccia, some minty mocha cupcakes (in the oven! :D), and a pineapple pizza! Yes, I was thinking a bit about food that Smiler would probably like, as they were the one who was going to be running the stand – sometimes I regret that they’re a vampire who can’t eat regular food in this save, as I know any human Smilers would be all over banana split waffles and pineapple pizza. In another save, Smiler, I promise! I’ll fudge things a bit in my potential future Valicer In The Dark save! XD

-->While Alice was getting her cooking on, Victor and Smiler were keeping busy with the last of the farm chores (while the chickens were keeping busy with a fox – I gotta get some more livestock upgrade parts). Victor FINALLY finished the tending (and deactivated poor Elmer to stop the bot from constantly trying to weed a glitched plant) and got the initial batch of super-selling done, then left Smiler to finish off selling everything while he cleared out the cow shed (and once again dropped the results on the ground next to said cow shed – I just had him put the trash in his inventory for later recycling). Smiler got Gardening skill 9 from all the super-selling (and harvesting the lemon tree in the corner that had gotten skipped in all the super-sell batching), which pleased me greatly –

And then I realized “wait a minute. Isn’t it supposed to be New Skill Day? Where’s the holiday thing?” Concerned, I checked the calendar, and confirmed that it was indeed a holiday – but that I didn’t have the overlay for it in the corner of my screen. Uh-oh. That DEFINITELY seemed like a sign the save file was on its way out. I decided not to worry TOO much about it at the moment, as New Skill Day is just a pop-up holiday, and not a particularly important one, and instead Alice box up the final pizza, slapped all the food in the foot stand, and had Smiler grab said food stand and gather everyone up to bring them to the Brindleton Bay Pawspital –

[ruvviks]

– WIP DAY.

TAGGED BY: @adelaidedrubman, thank you so much!!

TAGGING: @reaperkiller, @steelport, @arklay, @aartyom, @morvaris, @cultistbase, @faarkas, @swordcoasts, @liurnia, @girlbosselrond, @devilbrakers, @henbased, @shellibisshe, @dickytwister, @strafethesesinners, @druidgroves and YOU!

the broker fic is coming along nicely and i'm currently prepping chapter 13 so i can drop it next week, it's gonna be a fun one >:^)

‘Listen,’ the man said, once again pointing his finger in Vitali’s direction.

‘I’ma give you to the count of five, and if I don’t have my eddies back by then- all three thousand of ‘em- that dark red suit o’ yours is gonna be red for vastly different reasons.’ ‘Really now?’ Vitali asked, raising his eyebrow and slightly tilting his head, a smile taking shape on his face as he let his eyes trail the crowd; people were starting to get rowdy, starting to cheer. A rush of adrenaline was already soaring through his system, reminding him of the street fights he used to participate in- Sure, he was there for business now. But he could have a little bit of fun. ‘One!’ the guy yelled, his voice barely audible above the buzz of the club, the music suddenly a lot louder than before; though it could just be Vitali’s imagination, straightening his back and redistributing his weight to his left leg while grabbing his cane halfway down the shaft. ‘Two!’ ‘You sure you’re going to do this, jefe?’ Judy asked. ‘Viktor’s gonna kill you.’ ‘Only if I get hurt,’ Vitali replied, rolling back his neck as the man yelled out a loud three, dragging it out a little bit longer as if he was trying to give Vitali time to reconsider. Another day, another client turning against him. Far from the first time and far from the last; though usually Vitali dealt with these sorts of things with a bit more finesse than he was about to do. ‘Four!’ He did not care. His reputation preceded him; the bruising of his knuckles as dark as the rims underneath his eyes, everyone knew Vitali Dobrynin was a fighter first and a fixer second. All to protect, all out of love- but no one cared about that. They only ever saw what was on show. ‘FIVE!’

[artekai]

Nothing I could come up with will ever be as romantic as Her Sky, Her Sea 💔

[jonny-b-meowborn]

I think I'm done with the Jonny/Tim cannibalism fanfic? I'm still gonna like, read though it a few times and edit it, and I still wanna do some drawings for it before I share it, but overall I'm pretty satisfied with it. Big win for the me community

[real-life-cloud]

:(