#i don't wanna lose my job
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yall im gonna lose my jobbbb
#the crow ;; speaks#all i did was bully robin#AS A JOKE#then he 'mememememe'ed at me before running off to batman#chat am i cooked#am i gonna get tattled on.....#PLEASE SAY NO...#i don't wanna lose my job#(my job is being nightwing and red hoods apprentice)#batfam rp#dc oc rp#batfam#dc rp blog#dc rp#rp blog
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i will either kms or start studying next year. my god.
#i do kinda want to study but i do wanna travel.#my job is great rn and i don't want to lose it but knowing me studying from home will not work for me.#Ugh#al.txt
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I shouldn't still be so shaken by my emotional support coworker calling me by my deadname (which I have to put on official paperwork sadly) as a joke, days after the fact. but here I am, still shaken.
idk. I guess I shouldn't have gotten so extremely attached. he's just a coworker after all. just a guy I work with on occasion. we're not best buddies, we don't know everything about each other, we're just coworkers. I shouldn't have put so much trust in him and shouldn't have hinged my entire emotional well being on him being nice to me.
like. idk. idk idk idk. idk. he tried. in the beginning. with the whole name and pronouns thing. we bonded over 80s hard rock and glam metal. always bantering and laughing whenever we share work shifts. but idk. lately he's been slipping up more often with the pronouns. he still corrects himself but idk.
idk man. just. this has shifted my whole view of him. makes me feel sick and unwell. like something's shattered. idk. my first instinct is to stop talking to him entirely outside of the most basic/necessary work convos. but that'd be mean.... and probably not the healthiest way to react. idk.......... I just don't know what to do tbh.
#tbh i just. wanna quit the job. burn all my belongings. throw my phone and laptop into a river. and then bury myself in the forest#but that's quite extreme. idk.#just adding to the whole 'i'm so bad at being a person in society i need to kms sooooo bad' feelings y'know#like why are my reactions so extreme. why am i so fucked up. why can't i be normal#makes me feel extremely toxic and unfit to be around others for fear of losing control lashing out and hurting them#or doing something to myself that'd upset others..... augh......#wanna disappear forever. delete myself from everyone's memory so i won't hurt them when i disappear#can't miss something if you don't remember it ever being there. would be best for everyone
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#i don't know when I will be enough for a job application in this field#i’m still learning and this field is so huge and i really started to lose my hope#i continue to learn i hope a good opportunity will come my way im so tired#pff whatever i hate everything tonight#i dont wanna exist whatever whatever
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HEHEH I GOT A NEW JOB NOW THAT I MOVED BYE BDUBS BYEEEEE!!!!!!! I'm gonna start at this BANGIN restaurant called Zea's and I'm so excited to be in a real kitchen again. I'm gonna be so much happier I literally love culinary 😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
#I hope everyone is nice there 👉👈 My last job kinda sucked ass and brought me way the fuck down.#I was 1 of 4..I don't wanna even say line cooks bc it's a glorified McDonald's BOH wise but. EVERYONE WAS SO SHITTY.#Like idk if it was bc I was the youngest/not over 40/afab but they treated me like ass and tbh it made me lose it for a bit.#I don't miss any of those misogynistic fuckers hope yall have fun with “rush” now that there's 3 people running the whole thing
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Idk if I wanna waste all my money this month on building a PC
#I love having a reserve that I can say is in case I lose my job or wanna move out#but not spending it on anything means I don't get anything out of all this working (at least not instantly)#so the question is do I waste it on a gaming PC to try newer games finally or keep it in case I somehow lose my job
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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vent tw .
#( i cant do it anymore . i cant . i dont wanna be in this house anymore . nothing is ever enough . everything is always my fault somehow.#nothing is ever enough i can never do enough & i dont care about anyone but my ' not even real online friends ' & my bf . )#( i work my ass off ; i make as much as i can & i do-- my bf is TRYING to find another job we help around the house CONSTANTLY#but we don't care . she literally said she's ready to throw us out or leave herself . i dont have anywhere to go or i would be GONE . )#( im so unhappy i just wanna disappear i fucking hate it here . & now she gets to be fine & everyones#supposed to just go back to acting as tho she didnt call us all liars & uncaring assholes & didnt fucking lose her shit on the whole house )#( ALL STARTED OVER SOME STUPID ICE CREAM SANDWICH THING . )#( i just wanna be gone . )#( i just want it to all stop . )#˚₊·—̳͟͞♡ i. 𐙚 ooc. ᝰ .ᐟ . . . abi speaks ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ .#vent tw.
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Sure I'm not the first person to say this but you should be able to like trade jobs for like a week. I wanna prep veggies or sort goods for a while. I want to do different Stuff
#why am i talking#i mostly just don't want to edit videos lol watching them back is so boring#but fr i wanna walk dogs for a bit and not have to worry about losing my actual well paying job with insurance
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i am desperately trying to be more active but i'm experiencing mental burnout. just want to say thank you for the interactions even when i'm only checking in here now and again - i'll respond when i'm feeling better! <3
#nothing really happened - work and the house just got on top of me.#for context i was promoted to a management position in october and i hit my stride so i have a lot of responsibilities and i'm hhh.#having to play catch up in terms of skillset. i'm good at my job but i'm not the best - therefore ? i must keep pushing :y#as for home... Man (horse.jpg)#we bought a house a year ago. i envy people who renovate days after moving in. we're a year in and i'm only just redoing the kitchen floor#after a leak that happened in JUNE 2022. it's expensive as fuck and takes so much time.#i'm so fortunate to be able to afford a house but like. i won't lie. it's really hard having to be responsible for everything that goes#wrong with it. my kitchen has been subfloor for months. we destroyed our kitchen island trying to make room for the floor to be done#so we're down storage and stuff is just piling up. eh i know this is like. first world problem and really not a big deal.#but when your house is in disrepair because you don't have the money to fix it quickly or time to do it yourself. shit's hard.#anyway this is a rant. don't want a wrench or a tissue- just wanna get it out.#[puts on pantalone hat] i have money anxiety too#like i earn the most i've ever earned. i won't really get much higher than this atm. i'm due a bonus and i can cash out my shares#but fixing up the house is so expensive. i'm worried i'm gonna lose it all somehow. idfk why. when things are going well i worry i'm gonna#lose it all somehow. growing up poor does a number on your resource guarding. if i spend a penny I Will Lose It All.#' dima why do you like pantalone so much ' HE JUST LIKE ME FRRRR#sry this is a ramble . i treat tumblr tags like my diary but i hope you enjoyed the read xoxox#anyways! point is! i'm alive! i'm itching to come back but i dont have the mental space for fun rn.#can't have fun until i feel safe enough to have fun if that makes sense.#aight byeee
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job application for a library assistant asking me what I'd do to attract more people to the library. literally no idea? also it's not even my local library I live like an hour away from it so idk what they already do there. and it's 150 words what should I write lol
#does anyone have any ideas lol#bc i don't wanna sound passive aggressive like 'yeah I'd do this because i noticed that you Don't do this why aren't you doing this'#but also i don't wanna suggest something they already do?#like what am i supposed to say to that#and how am i supposed to get 150 words out of it#i could ask someone in my family but as soon as they get involved in my job applications i lose all motivation forever#so my next option is shouting into the void of tumblr like 'omgggg what would YOU do to attract more people to the library bc idk'#anyway#does anyone have any clue what to write lol#UPDATE: the guy has been submitted#ramble
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ngl putting my phone down and rawdogging the neverending spiralling thoughts at night when I'm not 100% bone tired and milliseconds from passing out is excruciating :/
#but it is the only way. the only way out is through#gonna force myself to have a normal socially acceptable sleep schedule again#if i keep going like this (falling asleep between 5am-7am. waking up either at 11am in time for work or at 3pm) i'll be fired soon for sure#and i cannot afford to lose this job. then I'd be spiralling even more and no one wants that#don't wanna be more of a burden on society than i already am so. gotta go work and pay rent to my parents
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#if i don't get this out of my system i may explode lmao#but man the fact that im not a uni student anymore is getting more and more real with each passing day n the fact that i have to start#searching for a job is getting more and more real each day and it's giving such huge amount of anxiety bcs im scared abt what's to come#i'm terrified of getting a job i hate. i'm terrified of losing my life in something that drains me. i'm terrified of getting stuch where#i am. of seeing my life pass and not accomplishing what i want. of everything i've dreamed of stays as that. a dream.#i'm terrified of being stuck in this country. in this city. bcs all i wanna do is leave but i dont have the means to do it!!!!!!#i dont have the money. my mom doesn't have the money and im scared. terrified of dedicating my life to working for it to be all pointless#i wanna travel n i wanna leave n i wanna land a job that i like!!!!!!!!!!!!#i don't think i'm fit for capitalism bcs routine bores me. bcs i don't want to lose my life in a job i hate#but then again i don't rlly have a dream job. i have smth i want to do but it doesn't rlly allign with my degree#and i'm scared!!!! of not being able to accomplish it!!!!!!!!! i'm so terrified of never doing what i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i'm terrified of staying here bcs it's easier and less scary. i don't want to live a life of it is what it is!!!!!!!!#but everything at this point overwhelms me and idk where to start!!!!!!! idk what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i feel so silly by#asking other ppl bcs they don't have the answer n i hate it. bcs i need an answer i need to know im gonna be okay#life is unexpected n that alone makes me dread it. bcs i don't have full control of what's to come#sure i can do things to get me where i want to be but it's not 100% guaranteed it will happen the way i want it to#like. i dropped out of a major i thought i wanted n loved. i got a degree in smth that isn#isn't rlly a passion of mine#i dread the unexpected. i dread not having full control. i dread not knowing stuff#i dread things going out of plan n sure i do have a life plan#but i'm terrified of it just being a life plan#peace n love on planet earth#jo.txt
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i feel Unwell but i went home sick last monday so i cant do it again today
#i mean i could. and im extremely tempted to#i just. i dont wanna have 2 mondays in a row where i go home sick#both r legitimate i just. i don't wanna look like im Doing Something#asked myself earlier what's more important to me this job or my mental and physical wellbeing and uh. the answer may shock u#i dont have anything to fall back on if i lose this job and i wouldn't be able to pay rent or eat so. job is most important rn#me when i think ab taking one of my sick days when the company has given me sick days so i can go home if i feel this way: 🤢😖
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fuck dude i have got to find a job where i can be self-employed and creative. i cannot be in fucking retail hell anymore
#she bork#tbd#like now i don't deal w customers which is cool but now that i work at like a big retail store and not a little mall outlet the pressure is#insane. and i have bosses who never say good job or thank you and who have set me up to fail by throwing a department on me that i was not#hired to run or trained for and frankly don't have time to run properly either. so every week just starts w me in our weekly meeting being a#fucking piñata like 'why didn't you get this done 🤨 you need to manage your time better 🤨 you're losing sales 🤨' and i'm like i'm trying!!!!#what more can i do!!!!!! and then the side of it i actually kind of enjoy (which is what i was originally hired to do) is very very hard on#my body bc it's a very physical job (i run the team that unloads the trucks every day and like i'm usually helping unload bc i'm not just#gonna stand there and watch while my team busts their asses lol) and now i'm finding out that it's actually not normal to wake up every day#w your joints screaming and stiff and that i might have a chronic condition (doctor is thinking some sort of chronic inflammatory arthritis#but i won't know if my imaging and blood tests showed anything until like mid-june) and i'm like. so even the part of my job that i don't#mind as much is not good bc it's like actively destroying my body. okay sick 🤠 and i don't wanna quit bc i've only been there for like#eight months and this job would be really valuable on a resume but i don't want it to look like i'm a job hopper or like i'm fickle or#unreliable. so i'm stuck here for a while i think. but the pressure is destroying me mentally and i know i need to find a position somewhere#else that is 1. not fucking goddamn retail bc retail will always be hell and 2. not management bc i don't see myself ever really getting#into upper management but lower/middle management gets shit on the most so if i go somewhere else and end up in middle management i'll be#right back to wanting to kill myself in a matter of months. basically i'm tired of expectations and pressure and stress and i'm tired of#waking up at fucking 2:30 every morning just to go in and get shit on and destroy my body all over something that in the end i do not fuckin#care about. i need to make art and be held accountable by only myself. idk i've been toying w the idea of learning how to tattoo and trying#to start establishing some artistic skill so maybe eventually i can do that? not now bc the economy sucks and that's scary lol and anyway i#have to give myself some time to actually learn the skill and perfect a style. but it makes decent money (at least before the expense of#supplies and taxes) and allows you to travel and still work and also it would be fun. and i could tattoo myself so it would cut some#expenses for me since i cannot stay away from the damn needle. idk lol i need to save some money before i buy a tattoo gun or anything but#i'm considering it bc i am going fucking crazy rn and ik this feeling will leave me eventually but i also know it will come back bc it#always does. and i'm tired of just surviving and just making it through every day and every week like i want to be happy and this is just#not doing it for me anymore#ugh fuck why couldn't i have been born w a brain that likes numbers and code and technology. i love being an artist but it makes finding a#sustainable career really difficult bc i feel so restless and miserable when i'm stuck in a passionless job but my passions are not#particularly profitable. hate it here why wasn't i born a capybara no job no responsibility just squint and squeak and sun
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i am so fucking angry and nothing seems to be going the way i want it to go
#personal#i didn't think my 26th year of life would be...this lol#but then again it could have been way worse so i can't really complain#as my therapist tells me i had terrible prognosis and yet here i am working and getting a 2nd degree and being..... not completely insane#but still i just. why can't just things go smoothly for once in my fucking life#i don't wanna lose my fucking job!!!!!#i was put in charge and things started to fall apart and i know it's not my fault#i am just the idiot who happened to be in charge when things inevitably went to shit#but also what if it IS my fault ya know :)#i swear to god i will not let things go to shit i don't. wanna lose this job!!!!#also my gf left me and i didn't sleep last night#okay that's the end of my complaining for now just needed to write that down#back to Tasks#and Screaming#oh oh one more thing i have a presentation at uni tomorrow and i haven't even started it!!! it's at 9am :)
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