#i don't think i'm emotionally recovering from this... Haha!

[patpran]

full fade fancam from today!!!! a treat for tumblr <333

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Reasons why I keep rambling about Bi!Eddie...

Why? Why would Eddie hide his sexual identity, bisexuality? Because... why not, he thinks.

Dating only women would mean less conflict with his family. His family is religious and Eddie loves them, is scared to lose them.

Eddie also fears triggering more conflict, maybe even fears his family might not consider him a good dad anymore if he came out.

He already almost had to fight for his son's custody with them. What if he comes out and they lash out? He has a dangerous job, works ridiculous hours, is a single parent. A queer man is not every courtroom's favorite person.

So women... That's where Eddie hides, it's what he knows. It's "a safe place to hide"... because in theory, it's fine, it's comfortable. Eddie is attracted to women. So he isn't really sacrificing anything, or at least much, he thinks... Just marry a woman you love, and it's all good. No need to come out and clash with your family, or make Christopher's childhood even more of a challenge. After all, the world is still prejudiced and not all children of queer parents have it easy.

But the truth is... Closeted life isn't a cake-walk even if you avoid detection, and are sort of adjusting. You are still hiding a part of yourself. Acting. Feeling like you need to pretend. Scared and unable to be fully yourself.

I've noticed that Buddie fans keep pointing to Eddie's panic attacks as this "haha gotcha, you're GAY!"-confirmation. It's ignorant.

Did you know that panic attacks are actually not at all unusual among closeted bisexuals, either?

Masks are always suffocating, no matter what you're hiding.

Not to mention, when Eddie starts having those panic attacks, he's under a world of pressure. Trying to recover and get back to dating... Quite soon really, after losing his wife.

He's also got a mountain of trauma and PTSD after surviving several near-death- experiences. To add to the trauma, the way he experienced the shooting? He thought Buck was wounded.

And then he is pressured into asking Ana out even though it hasn't been that long since he lost his wife.

Also I'm quite sure... His heart just isn't in it, dating. I think he has actually by that point fallen for Buck. And ignores it, tries to move on, forces himself to date someone else.

Get back on a horse, even if you don't really want to, feel the need to. Doesn't matter what you like, just do it anyway! "Horses" it is. Dating it is.

So Ana and Eddie? It's a tale of unrequited love, for Eddie, and for Ana. Falling for a concept because the person you truly want is simply not invested like you are, is emotionally unavailable to you.

The anxiety builds when people keep assuming Ana is Eddie's wife or Christopher's mom. It's too soon, it feels wrong. The relationship is just a mask because Eddie hasn't actually moved on. From Shannon, or from Buck. He panics when Ana says. "I'm not his mother... I'm... just a friend."

It's a reminder that she isn't Shannon - not Christopher's mom.

And she isn't Buck either. Buck who isn't really Christopher's father, who is... just a friend.

And like Buck... Ana is becoming Eddie's ready-made family anyway. Actually the third ready-made family, really. Shannon, Buck, Ana... All happened without much room to stop and re-consider.

Shannon... A rushed shotgun marriage triggered by an unplanned pregnancy and catholic guilt.

Buck, (a seemingly) straight friend quickly becoming family - clearly a dead end romance-wise.

Ana... A rushed, pressured romance built out of need to forcibly move on, and find a step-mom for Chris. Three ready-made families, all destroying Eddie in different ways. Anxiety, inner turmoil, panic.

....

So. Eddie's bisexuality!!!

That ice skating scene in "Malfunction"? The episode is very Eddie-centric, and the theme is "Me a tough macho man, me trust nobody, ugh!"

There's Eddie's fight club clusterfuck, his argument with Lena about Eddie being emotionally distant. Eddie, crying in front of Bobby about his grief, about Shannon leaving because Eddie "broke" her, because he wasn't enough...

Eddie = Trust issues galore, abandoment issues galore. Persistent shame and guilt making him unable to go for anything he really wants. Avoidance. Hidden pain. Constant urge to be in control, and never slip.

So let's look at that ice skating scene in "Malfunction"...

It's a blood bath on ice. Figure skaters toe-picking and getting injured, all because of one fallen sequin on ice triggering a domino effect. Bobby knows to look for a sequin because he's got some experience with this stuff.

Chimney: So how come you know so much about figure skating?

Eddie: Always thought you were a hockey player, cap.

...

Bobby: Who says you can't do both?!

(They team is shocked. Buck says "We'll google for photos later"

Chimney waves his hand around like he agrees... But in a way that ends up looking like he's pointing at Buck AND Eddie. And Hen then throws this shocked lingering stare at Buck and Eddie, like she just realised something!)

...Who says you can't do both? Indeed... Is there some secret quota, unknown to me, that dictates how many bi characters a tv show can have?

Is there a law that a queer male ship must always be the sum of one bi male, one male gay character? Why do we expect that? Because it would be more diverse, more varied representation?

Correct me if I've got this wrong... But writing Eddie as gay would in fact not score the show more diversity points, not in the realm of 9-1-1.

The show STARTS OFF with a storyline about a closeted, married gay man! If Eddie was gay... It would be the show's second storyline about a closeted, married gay man. That's not diverse representation. That would be in fact... quite repetitive, unimaginative queer representation!

Also, let's keep in mind that the show already has several gay male characters by the time Eddie joins the team.

Michael! David! Josh! That's already three gay men. If Eddie was gay, Eddie would be the fourth gay male character.

Oh wait. Tommy. So... FIFTH one! Also there are even more strictly gay monosexuals: Two lesbians. Hen and Karen.

However, there are just two confirmed bi character so far. Buck and Eva.

So really, Who says you can't "do both"?

Who says both of these characters can't be interested in women and men, into more genders than one? Who says both Buck and Eddie can't be bi?

"We're everywhere, man." That's Eddie's line in that scene, gif below. (And pink+yellow balloons, blue gloves? Pansexual-coded colors. Multisexuality!)

Eddie, subtly illuminated in bi-coded colors. Blue, purple, pink... On a date with a woman.

Talking with Buck. Bi-coded lighting.

Oh look, what's behind Eddie? The famous bi-cycle. While he talks about "the menu" not being the issue...

"The sex was never the issue", with Shannon. Canonically they actually went at it like bunnies, even to the detriment of their relationship because they failed to talk due to being too distracted by each other's bodies.

"The "menu" is not the issue." And it's not with Marisol, either. Not until Eddie learns of her hyper religious past.

Confronting Marisol, a former nun-student? That's the issue here, that's what Eddie's trying to avoid. Confronting his obviously at least at one point very religious, quite possibly bigoted girlfriend...?? Would certainly be an issue, if you're bi!!! Who wants to date a bigot?! Your very own domestic hate crime.

So... Eddie talks about the upcoming alone time with Marisol (when Chris was away) feeling exciting, naughty... Until he learns she was almost a NUN!

He talks about "eyes on the ground". And that's what dating a fundamentalist would be, if you're bi and closeted. Eyes on the ground, close to you.

Suddenly being judged for same-sex attraction is no longer just a distant fear, a vague idea to Eddie, it's a living, breathing person in his home, in his bed.

Really, imagine dating a bigot. Imagine your partner being disgusted, disturbed, judgemental... by your sexuality, your identity, your desires, dreams. Imagine them being repulsed by such an fundamental, persistent part of what makes you... you. Something you cannot change.

Imagine sometimes fantasizing about men as well as women, and then... trying to have sex with someone... who you suspect might consider your secret fantasy life disgusting, wrong. Imagine that negative reaction if they knew the whole truth, who you really are?!

An efficient boner killer, for sure!! No wonder Eddie is suddenly avoiding her company, anxious by the idea of sex with her. He doesn't trust Marisol anymore.

Also, let's talk about Eddie and moving on.

Why going home is an issue. Leaving Buck's place is an issue. Because trying to move on? Those words just need a melody, and ta-dah it's the Eddie Diaz theme song. The story of his life. The concept just keeps coming up.

Moving on. Being unable to move on.

Quite frankly, I think this is the main reason why Eddie cannot date without freaking out.

When Eddie joins the team he's still stuck on Shannon. "They weren't my type." Less awkward than to say "Sure they were hot, but I do have an estranged wife."

Shannon was his first crush, love, his first everything. The mother of his child. His friend. But they were young, not ready to get married and have a child, especially one with special needs. They were pushed to do that anyway when Shannon suddenly got pregnant, unplanned.

Btw, may I just point out that they're already under a lot of pressure and struggling when we first see them together on the show?

What we miss out on seeing... are the times when things were still great! That creates a limited, tinted view of their romance, and warps our entire view of their relationship. When we first see Eddie and Shannon, their relationship is already quite fractured, and falling apart.

Doesn't mean it always was bad.

Inability to work together. That eventually destroyed their relationship. Both failed to listen to each other, to be a team. Their love died because their mutual trust and respect died.

Eddie couldn't handle sudden parenthood, sudden marriage (and catholics truly expect forever), Christopher's cp diagnosis. He enlisted, escaped to the army. Shannon couldn't handle the guilt, thinking the cp was her fault. They fought all the time. Eddie let his parents meddle with Christopher's upbringing, walk over Shannon. He refused to listen to her when she wanted to move to another city. Eddie avoided bonding with Chris.

So when Eddie got home from the war-zone, she left. Eddie was suddenly alone with Chris. And Shannon was gone for a long time. Her leaving, it was a shock to the system. Eddie no longer trusted her, she'd abandoned him, and more importantly, abandoned Chris.

So Eddie is struggling. Alone. Hurt.

And then... Eddie meets Buck, who is ridiculously helpful. Buck is someone Eddie can count on. They're almost instantly a team.

So Eddie moves on from Shannon, and falls for Buck. From that point on? There is no real room for others. From then on it's just barely discreet heart-eyes at Buck, and Eddie not truly wanting to date anyone (else).

Eddie doesn't really want to get back together with Shannon when she returns. The sex is still great, that was never the issue, they both agree on that one thing...

But she was simply gone for too long, she even says this. It's obvious. Eddie has adjusted to life without her, found a new focus, moved on from her.

For example when we see Eddie, Buck and Chris visit Santa? Eddie talks about Shannon to Buck in this almost anxious way, like he feels the need to explain himself to Buck, like he's been cheating on Buck. Buck then calls Eddie "brother", and Eddie's face, just for a moment... Falls. He looks disturbed, disappointed, to be called "brother".

Eddie tries to mend the relationship with Shannon. It's obviously out of a sense of duty (catholic guilt, marriage should last, divorce is wrong), he keeps waiting for a "sign", keeps ducking her questions, pushing her away, keeps dragging his feet. His heart is no longer in it. Shannon realises this, wants to break up.

And then she dies. Eddie grieves. Feels guilt for failing to salvage the marriage. And then Eddie is just... stuck. Unable to move on, from grieving Shannon, from the guilt caused by their failed marriage, from Buck. Tries to force himself to move on. Fails. Keeps dying inside.

Heart's already taken.

.....

There are so many talks about moving on after that. Seemingly they are all about Shannon, and I do think they are about Shannon...

Just not... entirely. After all, Eddie didn't really want to get back together with her, did he now. We see them fighting, a lot. Their relationship wasn't dancing on roses, there were serious problems.

So the talks about moving on are also about Buck. Buck, who Eddie thinks is straight, yet parenting Chris with him. They become close, are seen doing all sorts of domestic family stuff.

What a painful existence would that be, to raise your child with someone whom you love and desire, but who you think cannot ever return your feelings? Who wants that? Of course Eddie would want to move on!!

Then shit happens... And Eddie clearly just... spirals without Buck. Partakes in illegal fights to let off steam. Yells at Buck at a grocery store about "not being around, Christopher missing him..". They end up looking like a couple in the middle of a messy divorce.

People, including Buck, pressure Eddie into dating. Buck keeps dating women. Eddie... keeps having talks about moving on.

Looks totally dead as he tells Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. It's an obvious lie, and it's such a bizarre thing to say to a friend, no matter the circumstances - very relationship-coded.

Almost like Eddie was just desperate to voice those words out loud, wishing that saying them would turn them into reality. Move on, I have!! (Move on, stop approaching me, stop tormenting me like this.)

....

So move on, Eddie...

....

There's Buck, urging Eddie to ask Ana out.

......

Bobby, telling Eddie that he will always miss the family he once had, but he loves the new one he now has. So you should try moving on, Eddie!

.......

Eddie's doctor... suggesting he could be repressing things.

The talk with the doctor;

They're talking about the shooting... Until it sounds like Eddie isn't.

Eddie: I don't even think about him anymore.

Doc: That could be called repression.

Eddie: Or just... moving forward.

Then some more subtext about pining. Remember Buck... being compared to a golden retriever?

Remember the man who cornered himself on a roof? Whining that he always wanted a dog but mom wouldn't let him because "Barry was allergic!"... (Or maybe, queerphobic?)

.....

Ana: There's a lot to be said for getting back on the horse. But there's also value in learning that you don't like "horses".

Eddie: I'm sorry?

....

Carla, telling Eddie to follow his heart, not Christopher's.... (Edit. Btw, look up the pictures of those hearts, I can't add more pictures to this post.There's Buck's silly, happy "misunderstood the assignment" love-type heart symbol... The one Chris drew, the one Carla warns against following?

Dead-looking, clinical, anatomical. And it's drawn with bisexual-flag colors!!!!

Love can't be about logic and rationality, reasoning with yourself and finding a good enough match. Even if on paper it makes sense. Love needs to be an emotion. It needs to make you happy.)

.....

The first day Buck and Eddie meet:

Buck is taking selfies.

Eddie: You're in the wrong lighting, man.

Buck: Some of us don't need lighting to look good!

And...

Years later... At the dark firestation, Eddie looking at Buck, getting lost on his memory lane, forgetting to introduce Ana.

Ana: Even in the dark this place is amazing! (The parallel to "Some of us don't need lighting to look good.")

And Eddie panics.

(*panicking, looking between Ana and Buck*)

Eddie: I don't want these things to wilt!

.....

After that... Eddie, looking at Buck:

Somehow we became a ready-made family, and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

(and how could he be ready for that, he thought Buck was straight.)

.....

Eddie talking with his tía, learning that she's been married twice, not just once, like Eddie always thought.

Eddie, learning that she had been unable to move on from the first husband, and didn't feel ready to date... But her friends had dragged out anyway, and that's when she had met her second husband-to-be.

And it was this, meeting someone else, that made her move on. So Eddie forces himself to date, thinking that all he needs to do is meet the right person, and he'll finally move on.

.....

The scene with Marisol, setting her bag on Eddie's hallway table.

Checking that it's not falling off... because there is barely enough space for Marisol to set down her belongings.

The table is already full. There's a toy truck on it, which BUCK gave Chris, years ago,

and it takes so much room.

It's lit, under a lamp, in the center of a table, the first thing you see when you enter Eddie's home. A prized little thing, a treasure. It's clearly valued, spotlighted like art... Even though a toy like that? Would not be very expensive.

Still, it's clearly something Eddie cherishes. Chris is no longer a little kid, he doesn't play with toys like that. But the truck stays, it's something Eddie wants to keep looking at. And it's huge, centered, leaves little room for something else.

Eddie is pining!!!!

Whether he realises it or not... This man is in love, that's why his relationships feel so suffocating, why they keep failing. His heart is already taken. His romantic relationships are just glued on, they're pretense, acting, a desperate attempt to move on, from Buck.

[ralibo14]

The Promised Neverland season 1 rewatch: Addictions

I'm going to do this before analysing the second half of season one. Because this is important.

Ray's role as the Traitor a.k.a Mother & Son or Caretaker & Cattle:

First let's go back to Krone's death a little bit.

⬆️⬆️ This is the scene your honour! ⬆️⬆️

This is the scene which can still fuck me up emotionally. This and Norman's adoption.

Isabella telling Ray that;

“I got rid of her”

And Ray immediately knowing what that means. His wide eyed stare as he realise that by writing that note, he got Krone killed and their plans revealed 🥺.

Ray is silently panicking and that's why he runs into the Sister's room instead of signalling to Gilda and Don. Then Isabella locks the door, which was actually a genius move on her part. Getting Ray trapped in a windowless room was... chef's kiss.

But I can't help but think about the internal struggle both Ray and Isabella gone through during this 'betrayal' (Somehow I always end up here, aren't I? Yapping about their complicated relationship. Sorry can't help it😅😭).

In my opinion, the Ray's spying was a way they both could cope with their situation in the House. Mother and Son or Caretaker and Cattle ⬅️ This is their struggle or their curse. Are they allowed to get a genuine and caring relationship? Of course not. Do they settle with anything close to that? Heck yes! Like here for example...

The delivery of Ray's last present, the camera holds such a meaningful place in my mind. The whole scene having this night time, bittersweet and sonder tone to it.

Orange and purplish blue being complementary to each other but also representing both Ray and Isabella. Isabella is in front of a dark background while the light of the lamp brightening up the wall behind Ray. It shows what roles they started playing. Villain and survivor/saviour. (because Ray did everything just so he can save Emma and Norman. Talk about a self sacrificing idiot, am I right?)

I also appreciate how they both forgot about wearing their emotional masks for a second when they were in Mom's office. Ray genuinely smiles at the first time and for one expresses his personal interests and Isabella looks away guilty. Knowing that she has to betray this fragile little thrust Ray has in her in order to encourage him and Emma to actually escape. (Because let's be honest... If Ray thought that his mother cared about him even a tiny bit he wouldn't want to leave her behind).

And Ray actually looks at her! He is deep down so desperately hopeful, but all he sees is Isabella turning away/distancing herself so of course he stops smiling and puts back his mask of indifference.

Emma's and Norman's Plan set into motion:

Haha anime! Ha ha Shirai and Demizu! Well played, very well played! Cause only a rewatcher can notice what is really going on in this scene.

This is right after Mom broke Emma's leg and as they go back to the House you can see the other kids reaction. Phil wide eyed stare and his worried expression shows how much he admires and looks up to his big sis, Emma. He is concerned of what happened to her. The olders on the other hand...

...They are frigtened, absolutely frightened, terrified even. Why? Because Emma and Norman already set their plan into motion. Because Nat, Anna, Lanni and Thoma already got brought to eaves drop to the conversation with Krone. They already know who Mom really is and what Emma's 'accident' actually represents.

Shout out for them! They are also amazing actors as they quickly recovered from the shock and put on an act so Isabella wouldn't know that they are also involved in the escape.

_____________________________________________

Okay that's all for now. I hope you are all doing fine and that I don't bore you with these lengthy posts. Byee, see you later 🥰

[thenwethrowitonthefire]

Hiii i'm sorry if i'm intruding on the conversation by asking this question but i'd love to hear your take on ride 'em cowboy! :] I love that song (as i do all of lil beethoven, haha) and i'm really interested in what you have to say about it (i love going through your answers to these sparks asks by the way, and i definitely relate to the feeling of wanting to write entire essays about particular songs)

Hi friend! 😁 Wow it's such a treat that people have been enjoying reading this stuff! Thanks for the ask! (And thanks Sparks-anon, you started this! I hope you will enjoy this answer as well.)

Okay. RIDE 'EM COWBOY. They had NO REASON* to go this hard with this song. (*They had every reason - this is Sparks and this is Lil' Beethoven.)

What I think cuts so hard with this song is that the majority of the song is comprised of constantly flipping the switch from praise to disdain, from favour to rejection, from inclusion to exclusion - it's a total fall from grace, it's someone flopping completely, losing it all. Every phrase crafted to hit as hard as it can, but in a slightly different way every time, cutting deeper with every line. Starting relatively simple and straightforward with the lines "They laughed with me, then laughed at me", then building with every new line, and later in the song getting more metaphorical and it's even outright violent. (Ron *really* knows how to heighten how emotionally brutal certain experiences are and knows how to cut deep into that. A true master of words.)

…And then the song says, fuck that!! This will not be my defeat! “Ride ‘em cowboy, ride ‘em//I got thrown again//Ride ‘em cowboy, ride ‘em//Get back on again”

There's many ways one could perceive those lines. It can be a “keep going despite it all”, “keep going to spite them all”, a simple “try again”, and even “just go on with your life and let them talk”, or whatever else someone needs to hear to keep them going. (Heck, if someone were to say “ride 'em cowboy” means "fuck the haters", or "fuck it - we ball", I'd call that valid, too.)

A part of this song that struck me immediately early on in my Sparks journey was “From great to good// From good to fair//To barely pass//Stay after class”. I hadn't been out of highschool that long at that point and I'd been a “gifted student” who in the end was really depressed and barely passed. I hadn't really recovered yet from how defeated that had left me feeling. So these lines were immediately my new friends. And since then my love for this song has only deepened more and more over time. I've stomped into my uni building with Ride ‘Em Cowboy blasting on my headphones countless times, on the good days and the bad. It honestly was really good at helping me deal with the pressure of having been one of four non-males in a male dominated field, often being underestimated or expected to prove myself.

“It's not your day//It's not your week//It's not your month//It's not your year” Lyric status: SICK ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧

I don't live that life anymore, but obviously there are always times in life when this song is applicable all over again. One could see it as a ruthless acknowledgement of the fickleness of people's favour and opinions (also people's opinions of themselves, I might add), and the fickleness of perceived success. And it's a strong reminder to not fall victim to it.

Instrumentally it's absolutely striking and it's such a powerhouse of a song, you don't need to be currently living it to keep loving the hell out of it. Something that I find really cool about this song as well is that when there's words, abbreviations, sayings, or references in it that you're unfamiliar with (as was the case for me as a non-American non-native English speaker) or if you don't know French (my highschool French was enough for this one and I'm a huge fan of “From open door//To merde, alors”), it doesn't make you miss out on the meaning, but you can look all that stuff up and get hit in the face by this song all over again and with extra force.

I only looked up all the abbreviations I was not familiar with earlier this year, and I got to say… “BMOC//Then MIA”, Big Man On Campus, then Missing In Action. Dangit Ron. *Chef's kiss*

…But still, the line to potentially win it all?

"Olé, then gored"

[smoothiedreams]

mha 430's spoiler

Oh, the end...haha funny story u got there horikoshi...

Letting the Jokes behind, i liked bnha's end, i don't think it was as satisfact as we wished bc we as reader had so much emotional side envolve and we wanted the best end of scneraio for all the characters, but it finished the way it had to be.

I saw a lot of people complaining abt it, i understand why they didn't like it, some of us wanted to izuku to be MORE (do u know what i mean? Like, monoma had his face on a statue at the UA and midoriya deserved the same).

I particulary find this choice of action that kohei took a bit...like, i can go with it, but it feels so sad, even if the war is over and world is a better place ( hawks for president ).

I don't know what I'm talking about, honestly. I received these spoilers out of the blue and I'm recovering emotionally from the fact that Aizawa cut his hair (another thing that I saw a lot of people complaining about, but I actually liked it, of course I prefer his old cut but I think this change of his is related to Oboro's death so it would be for the better).

I confess that I'm looking forward to Ao3 exploding with alternative endings and some fics that explore the relationships of some ships after this time skip haha

Edit: I'm emotionally attached at the image of Hizashi and Aizawa at Oboro's Tomb

[offlineblues]

(this is heavily opinionated about aiyu and yuai)

hmm so... this is mostly coming from nonsense disagreement in my head, but i feel like i want to throw it here because i was thinking about it

i got kind of perplexed recently when i saw someone's opinion (in Ysk's tag) that was something like

"Ysk is aroace coded so i don't understand why people would draw him in an intimate relationship" (worded much more blamefully to the people who do draw him intimately within his various couples as though they committed a sin for doing so)

personally... i also think Ysk is asexual, so i understand where that person is coming from with that kind of opinion. but, i didn't understand shaming those who do see it as a possibility...

it's hard to say or pinpoint the exact moment in time when he may feel vulnerable or open enough for that kind of thing... but, likely it's very much a post-canon deal. though, considering he's never experienced a romantic relationship, i can't imagine he'd automatically be averse to that kind of relationship or experience (in the way that he would never want to experience it with a romantic partner) just because of trauma reasons... trauma can be recovered from with someone you love, little by little

i don't know. coupling is partly a delusion (even with as much semi-canon evidence something like aiyu or yuai has) and i'm definitely someone who wants him to have a growing relationship over time with Aichan, so it just felt strange to see it said in such a way that it's never a possibility for him or that it's wrong to portray it that way at all

like... for me, i think as far as within the show's canon timeframe, i can agree it's out of the question. they're emotionally and psychologically not prepared for a relationship (let alone an intimate one at the time of the events)

the show takes course over time for about a year, so Ysk will turn 17 and be closer to making adult decisions for himself and forming the kind of bright future he wants to grasp alongside his partner...

for Ysk, i think it would take a lot of time to overcome the fears of losing what matters most to him, a lot of introspection to realize that those feelings are romantic ones to begin with because he's never had the opportunity to lead a normal life until after everything is settled, and then to have the realization that he wants to pursue it mutually with that partner

everything has to align rather carefully, huh...

i do try to be careful with it because i understand that the purehearted aiyu and yuai fans could be offended by sexual depictions of them (various reasons) so i keep it separated from this kind of space and don't talk about my opinions much besides vaguely because the last thing i want is my words to be twisted or misinterpreted, lol

as far as aiyu or yuai, i think Ysk wants to return Aichan's love that was shown to him, and Aichan wants to be with Ysk forever, so it's really mutual and sweet and angsty considering it all. though, even if it's healthily mutual, it would take time to get to the point of kissing or anything further (which they can and should do because it would be healing for them to experience that kind of love together as romantic partners)

...and isn't that fine? isn't it fine to envision this couple eventually healing to the point that they have mutually desired intimacy and love? after time passes?

anyway, that's just (part of) my opinion regarding that... and if you would be possibly offended that i drew them and want them to be lovey-dovey and intimate, maybe you should head out of here, haha

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok gonna journal a little bit about the first six weeks under the cut, with the caveat that i know a lot of people who have babies under one year old right now or are about to have babies, all of whom are having or will probably have different experiences than me. i feel weird talking about parenting in public because i don't want it to seem like i'm comparing experiences. i just want to write through it for myself to make sense of my own experience, i guess?? must reflective journal or i can't consolidate my own impression of what's happening haha.

some scattered thoughts:

it's a LOT of work. having good routines and practicing them a lot has helped make it feel more manageable, but it's absolutely a full-time or really more than full-time job (round the clock care!!). i cannot imagine going back to work while caring for a newborn. i am really really really really lucky to have six months of protected time (four and a half months of it paid!). but it's still a little scary to think about going back to work at six months... like how will there be enough hours in the day??

time passes SO weirdly with a newborn. i literally never know what day it is and i often have no sense at all for how long it's been since something happened. i can't believe i've been off work for six weeks... it feels like i've been away for six months and also simultaneously like i gave birth six days ago. i also totally get what people mean about developing amnesia around the newborn phase... i already am having a hard time remembering when certain things happened or when he made certain transitions.

my transition to parenthood was a little rough because of the hand pain + the wrist surgery, but it was massively, massively eased by having an easy, non-traumatic birth experience + then having my mom here to handle nights for the first three and a half weeks (with help from my sister too). like ultimately i think the wrist stuff was a blessing in disguise because it meant i HAD to rest and rely on other people. i went into parenthood with such a massive sleep deficit from two months of excruciating pain but then i was able to more or less sleep through the night for two solid weeks after the surgery. i think that meant 1) i got a lot of much-needed rest and was able to recover from birth faster, but also 2) i wasn't the person who had to deal with the most intensely fragmented phases of newborn sleep. my poor mom! but gosh what an incredible gift that was. i am sleep deprived and tired but i am not absolutely wrecked and it's 100% because she handled the most labor-intensive phase of keeping a little baby alive.

i think i have a pretty easy baby. he sleeps well (i mean after the first few harrowing weeks where they are somehow simultaneously asleep at all times and incapable of sleeping), eats well, and doesn't mind being alone in his crib for quiet time. i fully expect that if this particular phase is easier for me there will be much harder phases that are easy for other people... like probably he will be a baffling nightmare at some other phase other people's kids navigate with ease. but i'm enjoying this phase of things feeling semi-manageable. i also feel like, even though i read one million baby books beforehand, i basically did not do anything to get these results. i just got this (for now?) easygoing baby who is pretty amenable to whatever happens to him. it reminds me of what my mom has said about raising us... three of us were really easy and then my brother was the clingiest, loudest, most emotionally volatile, impossible-to-soothe, bad-sleeping little baby of all time, and my mom was just like yeah. really cures you of thinking you've got it all figured out! really makes you realize that 90% of it is just the baby's temperament and it has virtually nothing to do with how capable you are as a parent! i just want to remember this in case i do this again and the next kid is like my brother haha.

my therapist says some people get postpartum blues right away and others get a big surge of protective happy hormones that start tapering off around month three (so their postpartum blues come later). i suspect that i got the surge of happy hormones because often i am just walking along with a Song in My Heart and that feeling of 'i am overflowing with joy!!' that reminds me of the endorphin waves i get when i'm exercising a lot. so maybe things will abruptly start feeling a lot harder when this wave of hormones dissipates, and then i will have to weather that. but for now it is nice to feel really baseline happy/joyful even when i'm tired.

it took a bit longer to bond with him than i expected! for the first three weeks or so i was like, well this baby is beautiful and perfect, but also, he could just be anybody's beautiful perfect baby, you know? i liked him as a baby and was interested in him as a little guy living in my house but i did not experience an intense surge of maternal feelings at first sight or anything like that. and sometimes when he was extremely fussy or when i was really tired of taking care of him i was like aaaa great now i just have to be responsible for him forever?? he's a nice little baby but forever???? anyway i feel like it's only in the last couple weeks that i've started to feel more strongly that this is MY beautiful and perfect baby. and it's become increasingly fun and joyful to think about like oh! we just get to hang out for the next 18+ years! i get to be his mom forever! we are a little family now!

i want another one... i want another little baby... i am going to have to really scheme and save and hussle at my side jobs to make it happen, and i am very conscious of the biological window closing. i would ideally like there to be a larger gap between them (like i think in a perfect world he would be 5 when i had a second baby) but i don't think i will have the luxury of that much time. so i think i am going to wait the recommended 18 months and then start the process again. idk we will see how things feel once he is in daycare and i am strapped for time and $$ but i would sure like to do this again. and i would really like to give him a sibling. we'll see.

i just love him... i love snuggling with him... i love watching him look around at stuff... i love taking him to new places and seeing him take it all in... i love watching my friends and my family snuggle him and joke around with him... i love singing to him and watching him go from shrieking to totally relaxed just because someone's singing to him... i love lying in bed after i've put him down for the night and watching him sleep on the video monitor... i love feeling responsible for him and knowing that it's my job to take good care of him... i love watching him in the car seat mirror as he listens to taylor swift with a calmly contemplative expression on his face... i love seeing his little personality emerging... gosh! i just like this little snuggly guy who lives in my house. i like him a lot.

[lpsotd]

Another anon who read the tags on your last post here! I've felt the need to write something myself since your situation feels so similar to mine when I was younger and maybe my experiences will help you in some way. Feel free to not respond to this if it's uncomfortable, it's totally okay! :)

I also didn't have a supportive family when it came to my interests, still kind of don't. I'm 22 (soon to be 23) and my family members are still looking at me funny regarding my hobbies, just like they did when I was 14-15. It was weird for them to see a child… liking toys and shows made for kids I guess?? They've also said that I was mature for my age, but let me tell you this is INCREDIBLY coercive. ''Since we've called you mature, you wouldn't want to betray us and do something childish now, would you?'' - guys. Just because YOU'VE called me mature doesn't mean that it's true. Maybe I am mature but EMOTIONALLY or got good grades at school. But it doesn't necessarily mean that I will abandon anything that brings me comfort and joy for the sake of a byname that won't mean anything to me. Ever. I think that being mature also means accepting what is dear to you and not being ashamed of that. Being mature is being responsible for your own well being - which you do by enjoying your hobbies! By surrounding yourself with things that will make you get through life a bit easier. Throwing everything out, or denying ever liking said thing is the childish thing to me here.

It's good to read that you want to embrace who you are! After all - we only have one life to live. Why waste it on pleasing everyone around instead of ourselves? ESPECIALLY if it's a hobby that does NO HARM to anyone (well maybe except your wallet). Don't ever let go of what you love, unless YOU decide it's time to move on. I still keep my LPS collection after all those years, after being told countless of times to ''sell them, because you will save some good money'' or just to give them away. What if (stay with me here) I WILL decide what to do with MY property?

And regarding those people who've belittled you for your interests - I am still recovering from the same thing that happened almost a decade ago at school. But I've learned that not everyone behaves like those mean bullies - maybe some people are genuinely interested in what I have to say? Maybe we can bond over this? Maybe I can get a new friend who will accept my ''weird'' hobbies? And thanks to that mindset I've tried opening to more and more people, only to find out that those bullies were the MINORITY and usually people are glad to hear they're not alone in their hobbies or pleasant memories. It made me feel so much less anxious about myself, I can't recommend trying to open up enough!! Sorry if this ask got long, I had plenty of thoughts in my brain it seems, haha. Anyway, OP you're not alone in your struggles and if you have any worries feel free to say so! Stay awesome <3

~lots of love from anon

i think it's kinda insane that adults expect children to immediately grow out of the things they like in favor of more "mature" interests and media. like, why can't that 13 year old watch my little pony? would you prefer it if they were watching that or something like euphoria? 😭 why is it so bad and weird when children are acting like children and want to engage with media that was literally created for them. that's something i don't think i'll ever understand

i'm happy to now be surrounded by people who care about me and indulge in my interests, and i hope you are able to have that too anon !!

[jazlynriddle]

Welcome to your life - Pt 2:

Acting On Your Best Behaviour Ch 17:

Summary:

They'd seen it in their fellow orphans often enough to recognise the pattern and were now forced to admit, despite their hopes to the contrary, that Isidora had likely suffered similar side effects.

No… they'd always known she had. The Keeper had just wanted the power that Ranrok had, enough to convince themselves that they would be able to handle it better than that naive woman.

With the start of the Keeper’s sixth-year in Hogwarts, comes a whole slew of headache-inducing challenges from the most unexpected of places. Between insignificant pests throwing wrenches into their plans and tedious teenage drama, that the Keeper is entirely unprepared for, they wonder if they'll make it to their NEWTs without losing their sanity.

Or worse, Ominis or Sebastian.

Warnings: Sebastian x MC x Ominis! Drug Addiction! Spoilers! Slow-burn corruption! Dark content! Fucked up 1800s orphanages! MC has no love for Anne or Solomon! Dubious happy ending (it's happy for MC, Seb and Ominis at least).

You can also read on AO3! (chapter specific warnings below)

Notes:

Warnings: Torture, again not exactly torture but kiiiinda torture, there's a lot of pain involved but it's a side-effect, sort of?

We'll get to the proper torture when it's victims our kids are emotionally invested in xD

And that smut with Ominis will be coming up next chapter! ;) I'm gonna need to add a new tag to the fic haha x3

FYI: For those not too familiar with the name, an 'athame' is a ceremonial blade often used in magical rituals, it's usually a black handled and double-edged dagger.

"Thank you for the breakfast, Tibsy, it was delicious." The Keeper nodded as the small elf cleared the dishes from the table.

Tibsy beamed brightly at the compliment, giving the three a little bow before popping away, likely to feed their guest back at Dìon.

"Will both of you be working on the wards today as well?" Ominis asked, taking a relaxed sip of tea, his expression content after their meal. "The two of you seemed rather tired when you got home yesterday evening."

"I think we can continue tomorrow and relax a little together today, maybe get some homework done too." The Keeper smiled wryly, their guest needed time to recover too.

They'd spent a fair amount of time and effort healing the woman after their tests. Neither they nor Sebastian were particularly skilled healers however, so it had taken a while just to perform basic treatment with Tynx's help, and they’d left the rest to her own natural recovery.

"We had some ideas for the underground area's security, but I’ll need to double check our math first, our tests with the Guardian prototypes failed pretty abysmally too." The Keeper grimaced lightly, absently cleaning a spot of sauce on the table with their napkin.

"We weren't very hopeful for those without the Leyline link anyway, it's fine to rework them later." Sebastian gave them a gentle pat on the hand and the Keeper returned his efforts with a fond smile.

"Fair enough." The Keeper nodded. "According to Tynx, the greenhouses are almost complete as well. We can probably start moving the plants in soon."

"I suppose I shall continue my search for Anne tomorrow then, I got a promising lead in Cragcroft yesterday." Ominis hummed thoughtfully.

"That reminds me, yesterday we took a quick dip in the lake since we were in the area, and while there, Sebastian and I found something for you, Ominis." The Keeper smiled softly as they stood to retrieve their satchel.

"So that's why Sebastian was missing a sock." Ominis chuckled.

"I swear some critter must have made off with the blasted thing." Sebastian grumbled. "How'd you tell anyway?"

"Your steps sounded uneven." Ominis drawled dryly.

"Yeah, right." Sebastian snorted sceptically.

The Keeper retook their seat, satchel in hand as they spoke. "Here we go, hopefully you'll like what we found. Though, I will say, Ominis, that you don't have to accept this if you don't want to."

"Oh?" Ominis tilted his head to the side curiously, feeling slightly wary as well, from their words. A moment later, he jumped in surprise when the sound of the jar opening was followed by two soft and shrill voices.

"It's open, it's open! Left, let's go this way-"

"No, right, let's go right-"

"Ow! No, I want to go left!"

"Ouch! Stop it, I want to go right!"

"Left!"

Ominis blinked in confusion for a moment, before abruptly realising that the words had a familiar lisp to them. "...snakes?"

The Keeper chuckled. "Yes, I was considering giving them to you closer to your next birthday, but we've run into a small problem."

"I think you mean two small problems." Sebastian snorted. "The fact that it's not two snakes, it's one."

Ominis frowned in even more confusion, feeling more wary and uncomfortable, had they forgotten that he didn't like being a Parselmouth? Why would his lovers offer him such a thing? For a birthday gift no less.

"Sebastian's right, this little one has two heads." The Keeper shook their head in amusement as the two headed snake wiggled about drunkenly. "I'm not entirely certain why, but they can't seem to move right. I spotted them trying and failing to swim away from a dragonfly nymph in the lake."

"And what's the problem you've run into?" Ominis asked brusquely, impatient to understand why he was being gifted a two-headed snake.

"Feeding." The Keeper replied, plucking another jar from their bag, and withdrawing two worms with a mild grimace, lowering the wiggling creatures into the snakes’ jar.

Immediately, the two heads began to whip back and forth aggressively, hissing at each other angrily.

"Food food! Mine!"

"No, mine! Out of the way, I'm hungry!"

"I saw it first! You move!"

"Ow! Stop pulling! Hey!"

"They're fighting…" Ominis' eyes widened in understanding.

"Yes, even though there's more than enough worms to go around, we can’t feed them if they keep thrashing about." The Keeper rolled their eyes in exasperation. "Likely because only one of the heads can look 'in front' at a time. Perhaps you can do something about that?"

Ominis hesitated for a moment, listening to the little hisses of distress, and feeling his sympathy for them mount with every cry. He too knew what it was like to feel so at odds with oneself, the pain of being torn in two directions. If he could help ease someone's struggle and conflict, shouldn't he?

Finally, he sighed and focused on the small voices, tapping into his birthright with a fluidity that he resented. "Stop fighting little ones, there is enough food for both of you."

The hisses of the snakes immediately stopped, the two heads staring at him in shock for several seconds.

"It speaks, how?"

"How?"

"Yes… I am a speaker of your tongue, you needn't fear, you can share, there is plenty of food here." Ominis couldn't suppress a smile at the curious little voices.

"Lots of food?"

"Really?"

"Yes, so just open your mouths and wait for the food to come to you." Ominis nodded firmly.

"...okay… food? Now?"

"Yes, food food, I'm hungry!"

Ominis chuckled, finding their young, innocent voices and immediate trust rather adorable, quite unlike the sinister snakes his family kept around the manor. Deadly sentries that kept his parents abreast of everything their children did. "You can feed them now."

"Finally." The Keeper sighed and lowered the wiggling worms into the small snakes' open mouths, the twin snake's patterned tail flicked excitedly as they chomped down on the fat and juicy worms.

The twins quickly swallowed the worms and opened their mouths again, hissing insistently. The Keeper shook their head at the demanding creatures, they didn't need to be a Parselmouth to understand that gesture.

As they fed the snakes another two worms, the Keeper added. "I rescued this one because I've never seen a two headed snake before. It's up to you if you want to keep them but I doubt they'll survive on their own."

Ominis nodded in agreement, it sounded like the snakes couldn't even move properly, they would be incredibly vulnerable to predators and unable to hunt when they were fighting over both food and direction. He'd never been proud of his ability to speak parseltongue, but if he could use it to help…

"Ah, full… sleepy."

"I wanna sleep somewhere warm…"

"Yes, warm warm, it's cold."

"Come here then." Ominis sighed, opening his palms. "They'd like somewhere warm to sleep."

The Keeper gave an approving nod, pouring the snakes out of the jar and into his hands. The two heads immediately began to hiss happily and flick their tongues against his skin.

"Warm! Speaker warm!"

"Speaker smells nice… sleepy…"

Ominis blinked in surprise at how small they were, small enough to fit into one hand. The feeling of their cool scales against his skin was surprisingly soft and he cradled them to his chest, running a finger along their body.

"Hehe tickles!"

"Mmm feels nice, again Speaker again!"

Ominis chuckled, stroking a finger under the chin of the snake that liked it and feeling the twins coil up in his palm to sleep after a few moments. Perhaps it wasn’t so bad being a Parselmouth…

The Keeper's eyes softened at the affectionate expression on Ominis' face. "It's not so bad, isn't it?"

Ominis startled slightly when the Keeper spoke his thoughts, a knowing smile on their face as they continued with. "If you were not the one with this ability, they would have died."

Ominis narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You seem very intent on convincing me of that. It is not I, that these little ones owe their lives to, it was you who rescued them."

"Be that as it may, from how you've described your family, I doubt any of them would have helped a crippled snake who can't even move right." The Keeper shook their head. "Neither would these snakes have let us non-Parselmouths properly help them without a fight and that could have ended poorly."

"They aren't kidding, you should have seen how aggressive those snakes were, crazy considering that they're practically babies." Sebastian shook his head before glaring at the Keeper accusingly. "Can't believe you didn't tell me there was a tiny pair of snakes biting the palm of your hand the whole time."

"Barely felt it with you snogging me that hard." The Keeper waved their hand dismissively, causing Sebastian’s cheeks to flush with a mixture of surprise and pride, as they returned their attention to Ominis. "Point is, with you, they will be both heard and loved."

Ominis remained silent for several minutes, before he finally sighed and nodded reluctantly, giving the sleeping twin snakes a gentle smile. "I suppose you're right… they will be loved."

The Keeper smiled, pleased that he had come around to their perspective. Parseltongue was a rare and unique ability, it was pointless for Ominis to begrudge himself something valuable that he couldn’t change anyway. Eventually he'd come to accept and maybe even appreciate his gift, if they had anything to say about it.

"What type of snake are they?" Ominis asked curiously after a few moments of petting the snakes.

"Common Watersnake, non-venomous and harmless to humans. Apparently, they're killed often because they resemble the venomous cottonmouth." Sebastian grimaced. "Can't believe some idiots can mistake these cute little things for deadly snakes and kill them for it, feels rather unfair to them."

Ominis went silent again, before murmuring a quiet. "People often hurt those mistaken as dangerous just because of who they were born to or how they look."

"That's why those people are idiots and neither of us will stand for it." Sebastian repeated emphatically and a small shy smile teased the corners of Ominis lips, his cheeks flushing slightly.

"Let's spend some time today setting up a proper living space for the snakes too." The Keeper chuckled. "They're small but we shouldn't keep them in a jar."

Ominis flashed a wry smile. "That's true, fortunately, I am familiar with what a snake nest should have."

"Great, because all I've got are books and they're not particularly helpful when it comes to details." Sebastian grinned.

"Helps that we can simply ask the twins what they like or don't." The Keeper nodded, before glancing at the small coil of snake sleeping in Ominis' hand.

"Since you seem quite unable to move." With a wry smile, the Keeper stood from their chair, kneeled by Ominis' feet, and took his free hand in theirs, grazing the back of it with their lips. "Tell us what we should gather, we are at your service."

Ominis shivered at the sensation, his ears turning red this time while Sebastian snickered behind his hand and Ominis cleared his throat pointedly.

"Well, we'll need some branches and wood shavings for bedding, cypress or aspen would be suitable." Ominis hummed. "We'll also need to pick a good spot that's well-ventilated and will let them sunbathe whenever they like."

"They live by the water, so they probably like it humid." Sebastian added. "We can make the bedding a little wet so they can stay hydrated by burrowing in it."

Ominis nodded, looking more enthusiastic about providing the snakes a comfortable home.

The Keeper smiled affectionately as they sat on the floor, taking out a journal to jot down the supplies they'd need, while the two boys discussed their options. They really did like this side of Ominis, he was such a sweetheart despite everything he'd experienced, as well as his own cunning nature.

"Alright then, while we're gathering these materials, you have a more important job." The Keeper nodded, putting away their journal and smiling as Ominis tilted his head in confusion. "You get to pick names for them."

The Keeper hummed as they scratched several notes in their journal, this second round of tests had gone well. They'd successfully stretched the amount of time it took, for the woman to make it from her cell to ground floor, to a solid hour.

It had been rather entertaining watching her slide down the stairs repeatedly, after said stairs transformed into slippery slopes when the cell wards detected the breach. Though, as fun as that had been, it had been more surprising when she'd used a rather creative combination of Bombarda and a door to successfully propel herself up the slides.

Speaking of doors…

A muffled scream came from the woman bound to the cell's cot as Sebastian carefully slid a small and sharp athame under the skin of her right palm, like one might skin an apple. Her eyes were filled with tears and her body struggled to contort with every shift of his blade.

The ropes binding her jerking limbs to the cot's sturdy metal frame, wrung against her wrists, and burned the skin under them with every spasm. Her cries gurgled and choked around the saliva gathering under the cloth they'd gagged her with, preventing her from biting her own tongue. Rolling his eyes at the sound, Sebastian continued to shear until finally the entire strip of her palm peeled right off.

"And, there we go." Sebastian grinned, looking proud of his work as he raised the bloody layer of skin, or more so the doorknob attached to it, with a pair of prongs, discarding it into the blood-filled bowl under her hand without much care for the splash that followed.

The woman continued to cry and whimper despite the announcement that her suffering had reached its end, perhaps she couldn't understand words at this point.

"Quit complaining, nothing a bit of wiggenweld won't cure." The Keeper huffed as they finished jotting down their notes. "Be glad we're even helping you remove the damn thing."

"Could've left you with a knob permanently attached because you tried a door that you had no reason to open." Sebastian agreed, flipping the bloody blade in the air, seemingly unbothered by the flecks of red that splattered across the floor as he caught it again with ease.

The Keeper rolled their eyes at his showing off but couldn't conceal the fondness in their smile. In truth, they were deeply impressed by Sebastian's steady hand and keen wit.

His idea of furnishing the underground floors with sliding doors adorned with charmed fake doorknobs was quite brilliant. Forcing the escapee to either sever their hand or at least injure themselves, costing them the use of a hand even if they choose to simply detach the doorknob from the door and leave the knob stuck to their hand. Thus, costing the escapee precious time.

And they'd thought they couldn't possibly become more enamoured with this boy.

This idea alone had severely impacted the woman's dungeon clear time, as she had been further stymied when trying to escape the castle grounds, now that the gates were locked behind passwords. Of course, they had always intended to make the gates securely locked but getting a proper gauge of the time difference a password system made, versus one that could be unlocked with Alohomora, was important to their statistical evaluation of its effectiveness.

Assumptions, in their experience, were the most foolish yet easy mistake to make in any given scenario, the last thing they needed would be to overestimate or underestimate the effects of any individual decision at a critical moment.

The woman had then tried to scale the walls with one hand and that had cost her another two hours, several conjured ropes, and a debilitating amount of physical energy. The woman didn't even make it to the red zone before she passed out from exhaustion, and her injuries, this time.

"Well, at least that answers the question of how far the permanent sticking charm goes." The Keeper nonchalantly cast a scourgify at their partner's bloody hands with a dry chuckle. "Skin deep."

Sebastian snorted, drawing his wand with his now clean hands, and casting a scourgify on the athame in turn, before tucking it back into its holster around his waist. "Well, with that settled, I'll go see if Tynx has finished making a new door and reapply the charm if he's done."

"Sure, I'll finish up here." The Keeper nodded, tucking away their journal as Sebastian picked up the bowl and made his way towards the cell door, taking a moment to give them a kiss on the cheek on his way out.

As the cell door closed behind him, the Keeper cast a scourgify on the woman's hand, ignoring her renewed screams as the spell scraped the raw and exposed flesh clean. They waited a few moments, before ungagging her, grabbing her by the hair and lifting her head so they could pour a vial of wiggenweld into her mouth.

As soon as she swallowed the potion, they released her and cast a scourgify on their own hand to clean the oils off. The woman coughed a few times, wincing as the skin on her palm began to burn and itch as it healed.

As the Keeper began releasing the woman's hands and feet from the ropes binding them to the cot's frame, her raspy voice wheezed through her throat. "...why…"

The Keeper straightened as they finished unbinding her. "Why what."

"...why me?" The woman sobbed, curling up into a ball the moment she was released. "I never did anything bad, my dad never did anything bad. We never did anything wrong, why us? Why me? It's not fair."

The woman shrieked, her bloodshot eyes stabbing her captor accusatorily. "What did I do to deserve this?"

The Keeper stared at her blandly, their expression flat and disinterested. "You demanded a hundred galleons for mere information that wasn't worth such a valuation."

The woman stared at them uncomprehendingly and the Keeper turned to leave the cell. "I can't say anything about what you suffered before, but if you think you're the only one dealt a bad hand by fate, you're sorely mistaken."

The Keeper chuckled sardonically as they stopped by the door. "The only thing we get to choose is what type of person we become. Don't expect reality to be fair. Whatever you do will have its own consequences regardless of how extenuating your circumstances may be. You will be judged by the actions you take."

"The moment you took advantage of a stranger who did you no wrong, you lost any moral high ground to bemoan your unjust fate." The Keeper pushed the door open and closed it behind them.

"Then why are you doing this!?" The woman protested, pushing herself up weakly. "Doesn't that apply to you as well?"

"Of course it does. I simply care not for moral grounds, nor do I expect any sort of fairness for myself. That is the person I chose to be, and I am well aware that if I fail, I will taste a hell far worse than the one I grew up in." The Keeper flashed her a sharp grin as they locked the cell door. "All I have to ensure… is that I play every card in my deck and never lose."

As long as you know yourself, no one can tell you who you are. Strength is being able to smile even when it's hard to.

Smile… her father's last words resonated through her mind, she wondered how long it'd been since she'd smiled. She gazed at her own reflection in the cold metal of her cot's frame, the worn and tired face staring back at her bore nothing but worry lines.

She could barely remember his voice, but she could still remember her father's face clearly. Like hers, it had been worn and tired from the hard life of caring for his daughter alone in the middle of the woods while on the run from the Ministry. Even then, she could also remember his smile, the way the skin around his eyes crinkled in little crow feet.

He'd been a hard worker, tilling their garden without a single complaint, tending their crops with a gentle hand. Every day of his suffering that she bore witness to, made anger burn inside her ever hotter and she’d held on to that anger for her entire life. How could anyone believe that such a kind and strong man would murder his own wife with dark magic?

When he passed away, that anger compelled her to remain in their small hut. He'd once told her that he hoped she would return to the town after he passed, to see what had become of it and if his friends were still well, but she couldn't understand why he would say such a thing.

What did she care for the people who betrayed and abandoned them? Why would she return to the town, beg for their help or acceptance? No, she would stay in the place her father had built. It was theirs and it was all that mattered.

When people had occasionally come by her home seeking help, her anger compelled her to spit in their face and turn them away. What did she owe them? No one had helped her when her father was sick, no one had helped him when he begged his friends to care for his daughter when he was being accused.

Not that she really wanted them to, if someone had been willing to take her in, he would have allowed the Aurors to arrest him, and she didn't believe that he would have been found innocent. Nobody cared about them, so why should she care about anyone else?

Her angry, bitter, and hateful face stared back at her in silver. When had she become like this? When had her face become so heinous? A pang of grief gripped her heart and her eyes welled with tears again. What would her father say if he were to see her now?

As long as you know yourself…

Did she? Did she know who she had become? As she ripped her eyes away from her reflection and wrapped her arms around herself, the answer burned in her heart.

She'd become just like the people who'd turned their backs on her father.

Notes:

https://www.susquehannockwildlife.org/2021/11/19/two-headed-water-snake-finds-a-home-at-the-wildlife-center/

Aren't they cuuuuuuute? I took one look at this two-headed Watersnake and immediately fell in love, so I just had to add them to this story! ♡w♡

And, if you guys don't know how dragonfly nymphs eat, you should look it up, it's honestly quite an unsettling sight, one you might expect to see in an Alien movie rather than real life xP (Still kinda cute too tho)

Also, I wonder if anyone realised that the lake on the map is actually the Hogwarts Legacy logo x3

[deathbypufferfish]

I don't think I'm going to emotionally recover from this for weeks haha

[lunar-years]

🕯️🍬🔪🌿 🍦 - for the writer ask game

🕯️ on a a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

uhhh... 4? It's my least favorite part of the writing process because 1) I write out of order and am also a proponent of the 'Write Now Edit Later' method so sometimes when it actually comes time to edit the draft is roughhhh and it is a PAIN to wad through. also 2) I am someone who needs to read through my work approx. 5000 times before I feel ready to post it which is. a very annoying way to be. (and then I always find at least 3 more errors as soon as I click Publish anyway, lol.)

🍬 post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Stranger Things: Steve Harrington's Dad is not abusive and Steve isn't chronically abandoned by him or whatever. They simply do not get along in a very normal father and teenage/young adult son kind of way where Steve thinks his Dad soooo doesn't understand him and is a corporate square bore and Steve's dad wants Steve to grow up a bit and take some responsibility. (Mind you, the only comments Steve makes about his dad in canon are like "oh no my dad made me get a job :(" or "oh no my dad is going to be pissed I threw a party with teenagers and beer when he was out of town :(" which are like...totally normal parent things?) I have NO idea why "Steve's Dad is at best neglectful and at worst physically and emotionally abusive" became "basically canon" for like 85% of this fandom but it drives me NUTS. I would just like it to be acknowledged as the headcanon it certifiably is, thank you.

Ted Lasso: Ted had the best possible ending for his character (in returning to Henry) and this was the natural culmination to the arc they'd been building for him for three seasons.

🔪 what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

uh, football ⚽️🤪

Jk jk lmao, I feel like I haven't written about anything that outlandish? Maybe that time I watched 15 minutes of Fast and Furious on Youtube so I could make it Jamie's favorite movie LOL.

Also, I currently have a tab open on how to help a recovering addict coming out of rehab (for Jamie father fic purposes) which isn't a *weird* topic by any means but would surely be alarming to my family members were they to open my laptop haha.

🌿 give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

switch stories!! Career Fic exists because I got bad writer's block on Jamie Father Fic. And now that I'm stumped on chapter 2 of Career Fic, I'm back to Jamie Father Fic! Also don't be afraid to write out of order. If I'm writing a fic because of one (1) fleshed out scene I have in my head meant to be the stories climax, I simply write that first. Don't force yourself to start at the beginning just because you think you ought to!

Also...if writing is a hobby for you, treat it as such and don't force yourself to write if you're not feeling it. Deadlines are arbitrary and your story will still be there tomorrow! and keep it fun (i like sitting down with a glass of wine or a pot of tea and a blanket to make it cozy as I write 🥰)

🍦 name three good things about a character you hate

uhhh idk what characters I hate apart from the characters I'm meant to hate LOL.

James Tartt Sr:

Gave us Jamie

Is the 1/2 of the Equation for why Jamie exists

the actor who plays him was really hot when he was younger (just like Jamie) 🤪

Writing Ask Game

[yevmarie]

Just my mental state and thoughts below

Please go past it if you don't want to read it. The idea is not to ask for any comfort, or whatever may seem I need. I just want to let go of my thoughts in written form. Yeah, in public, but still in my blog. So…

---

There have been almost four hard weeks already since the breakup. I'm emotionally exhausted and tired of repetitive haunting thoughts. I'm constantly pushing myself to get rid of recalling him digging into work (which is not much unfortunately), looking for a new job to cover my basic needs (haha, I won't find anything worthy as I'm just useless and still need to live separately), asking myself what if I move to my home city and these four years would be washed away… But the rational part of me says it doesn't work this way. And I'm sure I'll drown in depression more than now being with my old parents with no friends/acquaintances around as the home city is still dangerous and gets missile attacks.

I miss him badly, but I don't see any reciprocity from him. I found him as my soulmate, but definitely, soulmates don't do such things, right? I'm even more stupid giving him a chance to fix the things, hearing him he'd like to do it, but not seeing corresponding actions so far, instead continuing conversations with the girl he cheated on me with. Maybe it was just the way he soothed my pain lying again.

I think I'm starting to realize which lesson this situation has brought me: not betraying myself first, loving myself again, being independent finally from everyone, accepting myself, and enjoying being on my own not being afraid of loneliness. Finally understand I really could love and care (not sure I'll be able to do it once again towards someone), but no one ever will love me back so unconditionally as parents and me. It's very sad I came to this conclusion only after the breakup, not after my one-year therapy.

I assume I did everything wrong towards myself pushing down my personality, being a comfortable girl, swallowing his anger, and trying to be the 'best' version of myself for him. He admitted that I was the perfect one. So fucking perfect that he didn't appreciate that and decided to cross the lines. Sadly, no one is perfect, and I can't be such as well. But maybe I'm just trying to purify his shitty actions by explaining my false ones. I don't know. All I see is that I've never been such before, it's not me. And I don't know whether it's the real him currently. But I assume I was just blind.

Maybe I'm just too demanding towards myself again willing to get everything I want and need just in a snap and I just need time, to slow down, ground myself, and distance myself from him mentally, letting us move on separate ways. I don't know the right answer yet. I hope I'll find it, if not, then recover and start a new brighter and happier chapter of my life.

Chapters by the way. There is no privacy at my friends', so it's difficult to focus on writing. But hell, I want to continue this. At least the imaginary world brings me more calmness and comfort, than the real one. And there's the third chapter almost ready to be published, and the fourth is under work when I have minutes of privacy. I hope I'll figure out how I can put writing in my routine.

Take care of yourself and see you soon.

[monstersinthecosmos]

could you go into more detail re: how you changed the post-bom smut in chapter 9 of TTSR? i looove the whump+smut combo but i totally get what you meant by thinking it wouldn't be realistic for keith to even recover from what you initially had in mind, esp. given it's a multi-chaptered fic and listen we have places to get to we have burns to slow and daddies to kink and whatnot. but still i am kinda foaming at the mouth to know what the original plan was LOL, if you're up to talking about it ofc. btw it's sheith VC anon and i've just started reading IWTV! lestat cracks me the fuck up but i feel like louis would sound just as ridiculous from someone else's pov, arguably more so. girl you are out there standing still in the middle of the pouring rain for hours. love the moments when it stops being an interview and becomes a psychoanalysis session instead, hey it's free therapy. if he's even aware of such a strange and novel concept yet. also the AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE COFFIN bit made me lose it

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL ASK IN MY INBOX FIRST THING IN THE MORNING HAHA. LOUIS PLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 i s2g lol baffled-idiot-at-the-zoo-core

Gosh so like, when I write outlines, I kinda

list the points out

in the bottom of the document

that i can always peek down and just see the next part im trying to make it to

AND THEN I ERASE THE LINES AS I GO HAHA. So there's no real record of my original outlines oops. So tbh I don't remember allllll the details but I do have a couple clues from DMs with my TTSR cheerleader:

Basically, like, in the first aid/aftercare area of the chapter I was gonna have Keith in like COMPLETE hysterics hahahaha but I'm kind of a slow writer so idk the trials part of the chapter took WEEKS to write so like. It's hard for me sometimes because in my mind I feel like "I've been staring at this scene for weeks and it's getting boring" without remembering that it would take like, idk 10 minutes to read? I get very worried that my fics are long and boring LOL. But like working on the trial for weeks where it was like so dismal and violent and dark, I think it MAKES SENSE that someone would be in hysterics, but I also felt like.!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted the sex at the end of the chapter to be like quiet and intimate but for Keith to be really shut down and uncomfortable afterwards, and I wanted him to pull away and have walls up. Like to be in hysterics, then to have sex, then to calm down and be really embarrassed that he was in hysterics in the first place, and get freaked out that they're being too intimate.

But it feels like at a certain point I'm not trying to like slow burn or drag the story out FOR THE SAKE OF DRAGGING IT OUT, I don't want to include those things if they feel gratuitous. Does that make sense? Because I've read some bad slow burns where I felt like the author was being purposefully verbose to inflate the word count so that you FEEL SLOW BURNED by the slog of words but not necessarily by what's happening in the story? To me, slow burning is about what the characters are DOING and what's happening and how everyone feels, not strictly about making people sit through 100k of build up. You can slow burn someone in 3k if you're purposeful! So like without my original notes anymore what I do remember is

Keith was going to be in COMPLETE hysterics. The notes probably were like "Keith comes out of the trial puking and has a huge meltdown" and when you write notes it feels kinds harmless but then when you write like idk 15k about the trials suddenly it's like "a huge meltdown" feels like Too Much.

Shiro drugging him wasn't in the original outline; this was my excuse to get him calm and loopy instead of having a metldown.

I felt like Keith emotionally shutting down during sex at the end was going to be TOO MUCH so I let Shiro take care of him a little more. A compromise was that I added that he COULDNT COME LOL I just thought it would like still give me an excuse to have him be frustrated/burnt out/whumpy but without pushing it so hard. (Of course Shiro figures out a way to get him off anyway because I didn't want to like edge the reader on that either, that also felt a little cruel LOL)

I don't recall if I planned whose bedroom they'd be in but I let Shiro fell asleep at least before Keith leaves. FALLING ASLEEP IN KEITHS BED LOL FEELS SERIOUS.

I also think I wrote something about how he wasn't going to want to see Shiro's face or be on top in the second scene because in the opening scene he's on top for the first time and he's really nervous and uncomfortable and doesn't like it. So like instead of the BOM trial bringing them CLOSER I thought it was going to like push them further from each other because he was too traumatized LOL.

BUT IDK IN THE MOMENT ONCE I ACTUALLY SAW HOW THE TRIALS WENT I JUST FELT LIKE IT WAS TOO MEAN LOL. AND I DECIDED IF HE'S VERY HIGH AND EXHAUSTED HE CAN AT LEAST PARTICIPATE AND I DONT HAVE TO HURT SHIRO'S FEELINGS LOL. AND HE CAN STILL FEEL VERY EMBARRASSED AFTERWARDS WHICH IS THE NEXT CHAPTER THAT I'M WORKING ON NOW.

ajsdkglasdg

[pynkhues]

How do you deal with feeling left out and wishing that ur relationship with your family was as close as it you used to be and accepting that things probably would never be the same and that’s OK 😞

I'm really sorry that you're experiencing that and feeling that way, anon. Families are complicated and can go through many states of flux, especially as you get older, and yes, things might never be the same as what they were, but that doesn't mean that things are going to be worse forever.

One of the things that I think life has taught me is that relationships are always evolving and changing in ways that you can impact, but rarely control. You can help to steer a ship but not dictate the waters you're sailing in, y'know? And as you get older, that tide can turn as a result of so many things, from a family member or friend's new relationship, to children, to a job interstate or overseas, to an injury or illness, to a divorce, to a dividing of political opinion, to the sheer fact of competing priorities in life, and you can't really predict where your relationships might end up. All you can do is keep showing up for those that matter most to you, and leave the door open for them in return.

Like, gosh, me and my sister had a huge, very ugly falling out back in 2020 to which there was a period of time where we both thought our relationship would never recover, and we stand here four years later closer than we've ever been in our entire lives. We talk so often now that not talking yesterday because we were both so hectic busy had my sister joking about having withdrawals from us not speaking when she rang me today, haha.

The flipside of course is that things won't always get better. I've had that experience too, with my father, with a friend, with partners, and how you cope with that - - I don't know. It'll depend on you, it'll depend on the relationship. You grieve, I think that's important, but you also need to decide what your boundaries are for the future, and what you're open to. With my father, I decided that I would always leave the door open for him, which is why I had dinner with him a couple of nights ago for the first time in two years. That's complicated, and involves messy feelings, and I know many others would not extend the same to him - my brother doesn't, my sister does, and plenty of my friends tell me to go no contact with him - but I know who I am and who he is, and I make that choice actively and - now, after many years - make it knowing it'll have an effect on me emotionally for days if not weeks after I see him, which I'm currently navigating.

We're getting into overshare territory here, haha, but all I can say is that relationships going backwards doesn't mean they won't go forwards again. Understanding that you can help steer a ship but not control the waters you're sailing is important too - pick your battles, find ways to try and connect if that's what you want, try to stay in touch even if someone's rejecting your calls (it's honestly part of what fixed my sister and my's relationship), but also just focus on your own life while, if you want it, keeping the door open for them too.

Let your family evolve, let it regress, let it exist as it is, and lean into friends, lean into comfort art, food, places, sport, explore community outside of your family, whether that be online or off (although I encourage off where you can), and know that if you're feeling a change now, other people in your family probably are too, so. Yeah. Talk to them about it if you can. 💖

[weedhorse69]

1) what anime/TV series would u currently recommend for me?

I recommend three body problem. It's trippy and it was really good. I also think I recommend dungeon meshi, or delicious jn dungeon if you haven't seen it already. I've been loving it with my friends.

2) what's the song you're most obsessed with as of currently?

I'm obsessed with mundian to bach ke- Punjabi mc

Literally stuck in my head non stop

TELL ME URS OF THE HOUR!!!!

3) I'm so sorry but I don't have any pets rn unless lyn counts

*insert picture of lyn

4) how's your family doing?

for the most part they are okay!!! My mom is recovering from cancer but I've been sending her doordash cards when she doesn't have the strength to get stuff for herself.

5) are you still with your adhd puppy dog gamer boyfriend? If so, how's he doing? What's he up to?

Yes I am!! In fact we're engaged!!!

*insert picture if ring

And he's good but stressed as hell. He's trying to pass grad school.

6) what're you up to? Doing anything with the degree?

Actually I work on security panels now haha. I troubleshoot them with installers to help people make sure they are working correctly. I almost started working on rockets again but I decided against it because at the time the US was still in the war in Iran, and I'm glad I didn't take the job since the US started sending weapons to Israel shortly afterwards effectively funding a genocide. So I am no longer working on rockets, and I am glad, and now I work on security panels for anywhere from schools to government buildings to businesses to rich people homes.

So I use my degree for security.

7) what do you think of the pin designs? Do you think they are cute/consistent? Any dog/ breed recs?

I LOVE YOUR PINS!!!!! I LOVE THE DOGS!!!!!! And I miss Chile too. Ngl I would love a wienerdog version of the pin as well. They have exceptionally long and thin noses and beautiful brown eyebrows.

*insert picture of long haired wienerdog

Also I love the name Kuma for your Shiba inu cuz I feel like that fits.

8) I haven't talked to anyone from the yl 4th ward lately!!!!!! No one except for u low key. I like you.

I want to talk to baylee but I don't know how to do it without trying to over rely on her emotionally.

[mmm-amba]

i haven't brushed my teeth yet

it's such a luxury to be able to write while recovering from covid. it's such a luxury to have the time to rest and the access to medicine/vaccines so that recovering from covid is kind of a piece of cake. also things like instacart and food delivery make things nice. yesterday was my first time ordering from chinatown.

it's end of march, and i haven't felt this relaxed since winter break. i guess that's the nature of graduate school. graduate school is such a careful balance of working hard enough to do all that you can, but not being burnt out. it's truly operating at the production price frontier:

except mentally. it's really not good mentally. last night i was pretty relaxed -- i mean, i'm sick, so yes i am going to fall behind. i was waiting for my symptoms to improve before i started to do hardcore work again. and i could finally hear myself think and... i dislike the mental toll of graduate school on me. if i'm living a lifestyle where i'm literally unable to relax, it's natural for me to internalize things like i'm not deserving of relaxing. if i'm living a lifestyle in which i'm unable to communicate my ideas because there's such an ocean of information and i'm just frozen, then it's also natural for me to internalize that my ideas don't matter, don't need to be communicated. that my questions don't need to be engaged with.

i think i'm living very much a structural problem, wherein the individuals are great and kind and lovely, but structurally it's impossible for me to feel like i'm enough in any possible facet. one good thing, though, is that when i TA for classes, i feel smart -- academically smart and also emotionally smart. some of the students here are so magnificently rude and entitled, it is such a waste of the academic system. why have a degree if you're just going to be a little [blank] [blank] who harangues the TA for the answer? maybe it would be better to hold in-person office hours so they are less [blank]-y. (i have redacted some of my adjectives to be safe, haha.)

one idea is to have a nice morning routine to ease into my day. the morning routine can include things like meditation and yoga. like an hour or two at the start of my day so that i don't wake up in a panic with dread flooding my body. :( i'm not even trying to be humorously dramatic but that is how i wake up. i didn't realize it was a problem until i verbalized it recently!

another idea with the morning routine is to include writing in it. (also, i need to include responding to people in my morning routine it's just that it makes me so anxious lmao.) my ideal morning routine is unstructured, more like i hav time in the day to do a collection of things; some days i can do yoga and meditate, other days i can write and do some stretches in bed. etc.

have i told this to anyone? but i want to write a book. i think it'd be cool. i have no idea the logistics or feasibility of this but i mean there's tons of text here. i guess i'll first try writing a draft and then start worrying about the logistics? i mean, the point is that i write a lot and i write quite easily and i like writing. so this idea is a start, and maybe it's an end too, but who cares. i think doing step 1 will illuminate what step 2 is, and maybe step 2 is okay it's not going anywhere. but just because i don't know step 2 shouldn't preclude me from embarking on step 1. because at the end of the day i like writing. chatgpt be damned!