#i don't think i'll ever finish let alone publish this i think it's just. why did i write that

[jabeur]

question. is it possible for smut to be both hot and super fucking cringe

[onlythebravest]

✨️ Twenty Questions for Fic Writers ✨️

Thank you @disgruntledkittenface for tagging me! These questions things are always so fun to read and answer!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

37.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

212 726

3. What fandoms do you write for?

rigt now, 1D and hockey rpf. I've written for harry potter and acotar before though

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

in order; never been a fan of change, but we're still the same, in the pub that we met he's got his arms around you, dream about a summer night, a conversation starter and these arms were made for holding you

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes! almost always. for different reasons. as a reader, I always enjoy getting replies to comments I've left. it also motivates me to leave more comments, esp on that author's fics. that's just how I work. and since I like and want that, I assume it's the same for other ppl so I do that to them. it's also bc getting comments sometimes makes my entire day, and it makes me so happy, and I want to let them know that

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm not sure i've written anything with an angsty ending? oh wait, two of my older mini fics do. the loss of a friend and what are we now? both have pretty angsty endings, or at least not happy ones. so i'll go with them.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

the rest of them? no, but I prefer happy endings so I think almost all of the rest have. all of my top five kudos ones that I mentioned above are the first ones I'd pick, so take your pick among those. but if I were to pick another one... most of the rest are kinda happy throughout the entire fic and then the ending doesn't feel as happy. so to pick one that's not happy throughout, but has a happy ending, I'll go with maybe we're good, maybe we're not.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, i don't. i've gotten some rude comments, but that's as far as it's gotten luckily

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes, i've written a little. it's still a bit out of my comfort zone though, esp posting it, but i've written some m/m smut of different variants.

10. Do you write crossovers? What the craziest one you've written?

no. or well, technically yes, but it's an abandoned wip that i don't like so that's all you're gonna get about it

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as i'm aware, so i hope not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope. I was part of a round robin, but that got abandoned and I vowed never to do it again. group projects are not my thing 😂

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

I don't think I have one. I change favorites so often, so I don't think I can say I've got an all-time fave

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

oh multiple! I have one that I do doubt I'll ever finish but I still hope I will so so much, so I'm not gonna give up on that one just yet. instead, I have one that's even less likely I'll finish. it's a fantasy one, enemies to lovers (I should've known it was doomed already then, that's not my thing), magic that was based around elements. it's main feature is that it has a "who did this to you?" between two ppl who don't like each other, which is something I love. maybe I'll end up publishing only that scene, it can be read as a stand-alone so it's not that bad of an idea actually

16. What are your writing strengths?

dialogue, I think. specifically banter, I think I'm pretty good at that. I always manage to write it in at least and have a lot of fun writing it!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I feel like I write pretty short sentences, making paragraphs sound a bit choppy. I'm also an expert in writing english sentences with swedish grammar, so I feel for my beta that has to correct that shit. esp when the sentence doesn't even make sense in English and it's a guessing game😂

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

if it's important to the plot, then yeah, that could be nice. but it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine when i read dialgoue in swedish and it's obvious that the author has used google translate, it bothers me. i'd rather read it in english with an accompanying "says in swedish" rather than the inaccurate translation. but that's probably bc it's my native language. when it's in languages i don't understand i don't have that issue obviously.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

harry potter probably? at least that I posted for, might've written something that I didn't realise was technically for fandom when I was younger

20. Favorite fic you've written?

oh, hm... right now it's probably a tie between does it always end in heartbreak? and maybe we're good, maybe we're not. but that's probably bc those are the latest ones I published. one favorite I always mention is one of the drabbles in the drabble collection snapshots of moments, the one in chapter 11, pretty when you beg

Since this was the first one I saw of these, I'm not sure who has done them, but I'll tag @greenfeelings, @neondiamond, @larrysballetslippers, @lunarheslwt, @sun-lt, @hellolovers13, @zjofierose and @zanniscaramouche. oh and if you see this and want to do this, just say I tagged you because I want to read it!

[eriadu-in-the-wildwood]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks so much for the tag, @walker-lister !

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

31 (how??)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

449,431 (again, how??)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Doctor Who, a small dip into Critical Role (maybe soon some Baldur's Gate? :D)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Star by Star 2. Song of Kalaya 3. A frozen moment 4. Calming the waves (the lone Critical Role fic makes the top five, all right!) 5. Taking it slow

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but I do respond to all of them!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'd say When it all comes crashing down. Regeneration fic, what else can I say?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

A Dark & Verdant Door, maybe? Closest I've gotten to basically marrying Yaz and the Doctor, plus the possibility of a magical eternity in the forest together!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope, or at least not to my face!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Is the sky blue?? Yes, haha, and as for what kind I guess I'll say all sorts, but often with an emphasis on telepathy and how that could play a part in the proceedings.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No BUT there's an thing sitting in my ideas document that's basically a fusion of thasmin and One Last Stop that I'd love to write, but I'd probably have to reread the book and take a bunch of notes, and so in the idea document it stays.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yeah! to know how it ends and still begin to sing it again (as if it might turn out this time), co-written with @timetravelbypen

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Thasmin, of course!

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

None that are partially published, but I have many, many WIPs sitting around that I probably won't get to! I'd say the closest to being abandoned is the third in the Echoes of War series, but I keep thinking about it because it's ridiculous that it's sitting there finished and just needs editing. But it's been in that state for a year, so I guess maybe it's time to let it go?

16. What are your writing strengths?

Uhhh always a tough question in these things! I think I come up with interesting ideas and twists on tropes!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I ALWAYS struggle with feeling like I've made my plot into a weird soupy mess that doesn't entirely make sense, so I am constantly working on that aspect of my writing.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't think I'd go there because I wouldn't want to get it wrong!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh geez I guess it would be Xena, back in the yahoo! groups mailing list days when a bunch of us would write stories about our Amazon OCs!

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Well I hate to keep going on about An old police box, a tattered coat, and the constable who called herself the Doctor, but it really is my favorite. I also quite like Never Alone, because writing from the pov of a sentient painting was just too much fun.

I'll tag @timetravelbypen , @how-to-sit-gay , @timeandspacenovelist and @doctorinblue , if ya'll want to play along, as well as anyone else who wants to share!

[hangingslothcentral]

this right here is a screenshot of the end of the first novel i ever finished. it was a version of Clockwork Bird, which would go on to become my first ever audio drama in 2020, 6 years after i finished wriitng the novel. it has been a whole TEN YEARS since i finished the first version of this story.

this makes me emotional for a bunch of reasons. firstly, i can't believe it's been an ENTIRE DECADE since i started finishing novel-length projects, what the actual FUCK.

it's kind of sobering because around July/August this year will mark 10 whole years of trying to get published.

since writing Clockwork Bird, I've written seven other novel length pieces, two of which I've attempted to run for publication. I've also rewritten and re-polished three of those stories, including Clockwork Bird, to give a second shot to. Two of those projects are currently making the rounds of literary agents.

I'm feeling hopeful that I'll be able to cross the finishline at some point in the next couple of years. I have wanted to be a writer for my whole life, and I know it's one of those things where all you really need to do to be the thing is to do the thing, and that's magic, and i also know that on top of all those prose writing projects, I've written three audio dramas and numerous other projects, too. the audio dramas have been pretty successful! I'm very proud of them.

one thing that's hard about looking at other people's creative careers is that, sort of by necessity, it all ends up getting flattened and smoothed out as part of the storytelling of who that person is as a creative. we tell rags-to-riches tales or spin another sort of narrative of who this person is and where they're from. the only commonality in all of those stories is that they make it all sound much more straightforward and much more understandable than the reality.

this is okay; it's important we do this in order to stay sane. we cannot reasonably conceive of every up and down in every author's trajectory. and it's kind of a consequence of the way we inevitably end up telling these stories because we start at the end. we know when we think about Charles Dickens, for example, that he ends up to be a celebrated novelist, even as we're talking about his difficult childhood and horrible relationship with his wife. all of his struggles and personal failings are a part of a story whose ending is 'and he was a famous, successful novelist'.

when we're living our lives, we don't know the end, because that's not how it works. you can hope and believe and plan and work extremely hard towards your goals and you still aren't going to know the outcome.

when i finished Clockwork Bird i had NO idea it would be an audio drama 90,000 people would listen to. i didn't know it would be another ten years MINIMUM before i even found a literary agent, let alone saw my work professsionally published. i didn't know i'd spend years barely writing a word of prose because i felt so disenfranchised. i had no idea.

there isn't a big thesis statement to this post, i'm just having a lot of feelings. they say we overestimate what we can achieve in a year, and underestimate what we can achieve in ten. remember you're hearing the stories of other people's lives with the benefit of hindsight; that's why yours always feels much weirder and messier than theirs when you think about it. keep going. u got this. ily. xxx

[wutheringmights]

2023 Reading Wrap Up

I tried starting this post about 20 times already, and no introduction is really hitting. I am quite a bit hungover, and in dire need of a rest. But alas, I want to talk about all the books I read last year.

So I had the goal of reading as much as I physically could last year. Why? After finishing my degree, I was having trouble reading for the sake of reading. I wanted to be someone who read a lot, but my self-motivated reading habit was in the dumps. My sibling and I ended up making a bet to see who could read more in 2023, and I was determined to win.

I did win, but that's besides the point. My importantly, I am now back in the habit of reading again.

I really enjoyed starting my reading tag and making little write-ups summarizing my thoughts. I really appreciate everyone being so patient with my book-posting, especially as I gradually went from writing a sentence or two to rambling bullet point lists to well-thought out reviews. If you ever interacted with one of those posts-- thank you so much! I hope to continue in this upcoming year.

So to wrap up my year of reading, I figured I would rank all of the books I read. If I read an entire series, I'll count it as one entry on the list. Also, the ranking is going to be determined less by quality and more by personal enjoyment.

All that being said, let's go~

Ranking My 2023 Reads

#17) Breaking Time by Sasha Alsberg - This was my first read of the year, and my worst. This book is near unreadable in terms of prose, and features one of the most infuriating lines I have ever read in my entire life:

Add the most unoriginal plot I have ever seen, and this makes for one bad read. I knew it was going to be bad going on, but the levels of incompetency on display here was mind-boggling.

#16) Daughter of the Moon Goddess by Sue Lynn Tan - Is this the worst book I read this year? No. But it definitely pissed me off more than the others. I didn't need this book to be good; I just wanted it to be fun, but it couldn't commit to a plot line long enough to do so. I will give this book credit for having one of the unintentionally funniest villains I have ever read. That man failed upwards and it was GREAT. No notes.

#15) Ariadne by Jennifer Saint - I don't think this book is terrible, but its flaws are the most glaring to me. Structurally, it's a mess. The prose tries to use imagery to cover up how much telling it's truly doing. Both hampered an overall decent plot.

#14) Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston - This book wasn't really for me. It was an entertaining read, but the references to pop-culture were more cringey than humorous. I also could not stand how the book was ashamed to be escapist literature and tried to uplift itself with shallow critiques of American politics.

#13) Lightlark by Alex Aster - That I am putting this book so high on the list is a crime and an insult against every book ranked below it. If I was ranking off of quality alone, it would be the second worst book I read this year. Unfortunately, I started an inside joke with my friends about how I'm Lightlark's #1 Fan, which ended up increasingly my enjoyment of this very stupid book exponentially. #TeamOro

#12) Garrison Girl by Rachel Aarons - This book really isn't anything special, but its place in publishing and anime history tickles my brain. It's not bad but it's not all that good either.

#11) The End of Everything: (Astrophysically Speaking) by Katie Mack - Someone with a more thorough baseline on science would probably find this book more enjoyable than me. As is, I didn't understand half of it.

#10) The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid - A fast, enjoyable read. I think it reveals its hand a bit too quickly, but the plot overall is really fascinating. Lacking on prose, but it didn't need a lot of it. This is a book begging to be made into a movie (which will probably be better than the book itself).

#9) A Thousand Ships by Natalie Haynes - What this book lacks in originality and plot, it makes up for with comprehensiveness. As much as I enjoyed reading all of its varied perspectives, I am still peeved by how Penelope's perspective was wasted and how Haynes had no interest in writing from Helen's perspective.

#8) The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin - A prime example of a book series that is objectively excellent, but was simply not for me. My interests didn't align with what the narrative thought was important. However, the characters are fantastic and what there is of the central conflict between mother and daughter is earth shattering.

#7) The Poppy War Trilogy by R.F. Kuang - An incredible fantasy series with some excellent characters and ideas. While I do think that the series is a little simplistic, it makes up for it by being endlessly entertaining. Except for the last book, which leaned too heavily into its grimdark flares.

#6) Beowulf by Unknown (Translated by Seamus Heaney) - A reread featuring a fantastic introduction from Heaney that connects the text to his Irish roots. The translation itself, while good, prioritized brevity a bit too much for my taste.

#5) Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson - A long overdue reread that reaffirmed why I found this book life changing when I first read it in junior high. Lyrical, brutal, and surprisingly funny, this book paints an honest picture of depression and trauma in adolescence.

#4) In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado - A lyrical, dreamy exploration of an abusive relationship. I love how this memoir pushes the limits of its own medium as it also tries to establish a canon for abusive queer relationships. Machado's imagery is insane, and I devour it every time.

#3) The Catcher In the Rye by J.D. Salinger - My last and most surprising read of the year. I did not expect to love this novel as much as I do. I will never forgive the world for insisting that Holden Caulfield is an archetypal male manipulator when he's a traumatized kid (albeit a bratty one) who desperately wants to be feel happy.

#2) Children of Ash and Elm: A History of the Vikings by Neil Price - An incredible, comprehensive look on the history, culture, and legacy of the vikings. Price parses through popular fiction to bring humanity back to a historical group of people every subculture wants to claim as their own, for better and for worse. This book broke a damn in my head that was preventing me from doing world building for a piece of original fiction I want to write.

#1) The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas - I have been haunted by this book since I was a little kid, promising myself that I would one day gather the courage to read this behemoth of a story. As long as it is, every word was worth it. It was both parts entertaining and stimulating, and I ended by the book knowing why so many people call this the best book ever written.

--

And that was my year! Please feel free to share what you read this year. Let me know if there's anything I should try to read in 2024. You can also fight me about any of my opinions lol

[sixhours]

Twenty questions for fanfic writers

Ermagerd I love talking fanfic, thanks @numinousmysteries!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

24

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

379,370

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The X-Files and The Last of Us so far!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All X-Files fics:

A Boy and His Fox

Morning Sickness

Waking Hours

Remnants

We Aren't Meant to Sleep Alone

5. Do you respond to comments?

Most of the time, even if it's just a simple "Thank you!"

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

My Umbra Reverie series, by far. 😬 No regrets!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

A Boy and His Fox or One Day at a Time. Two different fandoms, both baby fics. I originally envisioned One Day at a Time as a TLOU variation on A Boy and His Fox--a bunch of drabbles strung together--but it turned into a more cohesive story over time.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Sure! If it serves the story, I'll write smut. I'm not big on writing porn without plot because I don't think smut is my strong suit. When I do write smut, it's pretty vanilla, nothing too kinky.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven't, but I'm currently outlining a TLOU period fic that's based on Anne of Green Gables. Not quite a crossover, but boy it's fun to think about. 😆

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, I'd be too afraid of letting my co-authors down. 😂

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Mulder and Scully are my OTP. ❤️

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

As of right now I don't have any. I tend to start fics with a lot of preparation, outlining, and research, and I usually wait until they're mostly finished to publish them. I also tend to work on one fic at a time and focus until it's mostly done.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I strive to make my characters as true to the source material and as believable as possible. I want the reader to be able to hear the character's voice in their head as they read, or be able to imagine them in a scene like it were on screen.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Editing while I write. 🙃 It's why I'm so slooooooow.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I don't speak any other languages and I'm uncomfortable leaning solely on translation software, but I'm not opposed to trying if it serves the story. My headcanon for TLOU is my Joel stays pretty true to the HBO series in that he's Latino, but he doesn't speak Spanish in regular conversation (I imagine he can, but he doesn't). (Trust that I noticed Tommy's "Adios, big brother" in episode 6, but then apparently Joel says that in the game, so...? I've thought about this too much.)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The X-Files, when I was 14. Those fics are still in .txt files somewhere on my computer. Someday I'll dig them out and have a good laugh.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Total recency bias, but The Ghosts of Babylon is my favorite right now. Mostly because I love the Reader character and it was my first foray into writing for a fandom other than The X-Files and I think I pulled it off. 🥹

🏷️ No pressure tags! Tell me about your fics! @frannyzooey, @wannab-urs, @bumblepony, @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin, @march-flowerr, @wildemaven and anyone else who wants to give this a whirl.

[tallangrycockatiel]

Fic Writer Interview

Tagged by @sinni-ok-sessi!

How many works do you have on AO3? 12

What’s your total AO3 word count? 108,695, the vast majority of them being written in a single fic, last year

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All that is mine to me, all that is yours to you,

Not alone, maybe lonely,

A Nice Cup of Tea,

Off-Script,

and John's Turn.

All of those are for Malevolent except for A Nice Cup Of Tea, which is Rusty Quill Gaming and also the first fic I ever published on AO3, so I kind of love that it's still up there. Not Alone and John's Turn are Malevolent/Venom crossover, but I don't think they get much interest from people who are into the massive fandom and not the tiny one, there.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I mostly don't, because I never know what to say and don't want to end up just spamming "thanks!" to everyone? Feels like it would just come across as awkward and insincere. I'll respond if someone asks me something, or if someone comments on something specific that I had Thoughts and Feelings about.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Let every knee be bent and every tongue confess, by a country mile. Everything else finishes somewhere between bittersweet and straight-up happy. That one's tagged as "emotional hurt no comfort".

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? I too write quite a bit about learning to live when you don't really want to, and the all-around happiest ending has to be All that is mine to me, all that is yours to you. A lot of the others don't have endings so much as leaving-off points - which is intentional! - but I comfort-read the last chapter of ATIM semi-regularly.

Do you write crossovers? Yeah, Bodysharers Anonymous, the not-marked-finished Malevolent/Venom crossover series. I have two other ideas to add to this. Maybe I'll even write them someday.

Oh yeah there's also the extremely cracky Sailor Moon/Ouran High School Host Club crossover I wrote nearly a decade ago, maybe I'll dig that up and publish it some day for laughs.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? I have had one person kinda sorta imply that they thought I was plagiarising, then walk it back.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yop. 99% of it is unbearably soft they're-in-love-your-honour kind of stuff, and the other 1% is, uh, tentacles.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? No - why would anyone do that, I write for teeny fandoms only.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, again with the teeny fandoms I guess.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? No but I think that could be fun!

What’s your all-time favorite ship? My brain has been majority Arthur/John thoughts by volume for the last year or so; I can think of plenty of other characters that have consumed me this strongly in the past, but no other ships come to mind.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? Only Fear Me Not is probably never going to get finished, but I don't have the heart to mark it as abandoned.

What are your writing strengths? Character voices, and I think I'm pretty good at tension and pacing as well.

What are your writing weaknesses? I will use the same verb ten times per paragraph if I am not physically stopped, and they will all be held together by several hundred semicolons.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I have done, for exactly one line in Choose Your Words where Albert Einstein swears in German, as part of a conversation about swearing in different languages. I'm not strong enough in any language other than English to do more than that, I think.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Sailor Moon, it's somewhere way back on my tumblr blog but you know how that goes. Again, might put it up on AO3 someday.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? My brain keeps sneakily suggesting that I write something for The Goblin Emperor series, because I do love a sad wet eldritch detective, but there is so much worldbuilding in those books and I'm scared. I also have wips for like five other fandoms that I might get around to one day.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? The more I think about this the more my answer changes, I love them all for different reasons, but All that is mine to me, all that is yours to you was The Achievement of my 2023 and I am so goddamn proud of it, and I hope I always will be.

tagging: @docholligay

[veliseraptor]

i was not!tagged by @feralkwe and decided this looked like fun so

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason.

the first fic you ever published there: This was a bit of a challenge and relied on my memory because of all the fics I've posted backdated, but since I knew it was a Yuletide fic and I joined in 2009...apparently I wrote a fuckton of fic for Yuletide that year, but I think it was either The Gravedigger, Lingering On, or Memorial.

the last fic you published: I need to finish editing and posting the fic I'm stalling about and have been for the last three weeks. But as of right now the most recent fic I posted was jiggety-jig, a short little thing about Pete being very fucked up psychologically.

any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once: If I count 616 as one fandom (rather than parsing out by series) which I feel like I should, then I'm going to go with we too (three) could be glorious, my (thus far!) only Crimson Peak fic, though I'd kind of like to write more.

your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works: good god am I meant to look through the 293 (jesus) works I wrote for the MCU trying to remember/decide a favorite? I guess the answer is "yes, Lise, you chose to do this meme." I ended up pretty proud of Will to Live, I guess. It was a fun concept and I'm pretty pleased with the execution of it. Maybe I should reread that one. If I can cheat and do a series, though, I might have to choose Remember This Cold, even if not all of it is created equal - I just am proud of the damn thing, unevenness or not. It's a magnum opus of some kind.

the fic you wish more people read: I have written a lot of fics, you guys, and there's a lot of them that I wish got more attention. I decided I got to pick five, and because considering I'm clocking in at just over 1k to choose from I think I can be forgiven.

let's start with two from my current main fandoms, the people are gone and the place is empty, an a-Qing and Xue Yang AU that I'll never continue even though I kind of want to, and like a trigger (get me ready to shoot), which isn't exactly underread overall but is one of my Kinnporsche fics that's less read and very important to me personally. I'm weirdly fond of Foundling though I understand why it's not everybody else's favorite fic, since it might tread too close to Odin apologism for some. For a flashback to Supernatural fic, (and we all end up alone) remains one of my favorites I wrote for that fandom. And then there's Ouroboros, the second-person fic about Ishamael. so I'm not surprised that people don't gravitate toward that one, but I like it.

the fic you agonized over the most: There's kind of two answers to this question, and it's sort of "the work I agonized over the most because it was hard technically" and "the work I agonized over the most because it took me eight years to write and that's a long fucking time to be writing a single thing and a lot of room for me to doubt myself a thousand times." And they're not the same fic!

I'm going to stick with fics that I actually have finished, because ones I haven't I feel like "agonized over" is self-evident. And for that...might have to award this one to (speaking of Remember This Cold) we live until we die, for being in at least some ways the culminating fic of nearly a decade of writing and having parts in it I'd been planning for five solid years. It was a lot of pressure (self-induced but perceived from outside as well) to be working under.

the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort: I know there are a few of these but the one that springs to mind immediately is could be raining. Had the idea and wrote it basically in the span of 24 hours and I don't remember any agony about it.

a work you are proud of—for whatever reason: I feel like as far as my longfics go the backyard is full of bones might be my best one. It is - and if you know me, you know it's very hard for me to say this - a good fic.

tagging anyone who wants to do this one. that means you. but especially @ameliarating, @lu-sn, and @fatalism-and-villainy.

[griefabyss69]

@zombiethingy and @steddieas-shegoes both tagged me!!! Thanks for the tags <3 <3 <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25! All from this year <3 6 of them are microfics but everything else is around 1K - 21K! I've never in my life written this much lmao

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

129,098! That's a lot for me <3

3. What fandoms do you write for?

So far just Stranger Things!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Still Motion (Paraphilia 01)

Last Man Standing (First fic in the LARP AU series)

Between Light and Darkness (First in the Vampire Eddie series)

Acceptance and Negation (Paraphilia 02)

Hell Patrol (First in the Apocalypse AU series)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes!!! There's only one or two I didn't and that's because they were rude

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't think any of mine have an angsty ending tbh... Mostly because I write a lot of porn but also because even when I write for myself to vent there needs to be a way through all of the horrible shit. Otherwise I'm just adding stress to my life!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'd say they're all fairly happy with a similar type of end goal! HOWEVER....... there's one I have planned that might stand above the rest in terms of happy endings, but it's like... a long term project that I have no idea when I'm even going to properly start.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

So far I haven't! I usually moderate comments, and the rude ones I got were more of the 'you clearly missed the mark of what I wrote' or not finding a polite/nice way of asking me to continue writing the fic

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! The realistically unrealistic kind! Also, usually involves some kind of BDSM or kink related thing.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I won't say I'll never do it but I don't even have another fandom I'd be willing to write for at this time, let alone smash them together.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, unless I haven't come across it! I think it's cool if someone gets inspired by something I write though, especially anything that's not already common in ST fandom!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but it'd be cool if someone wants to!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven't! I've like.... done a lot of yelling about potential things to write though. I have a lot of WIPs because of some of you LMAO I think the actual writing part of things is a very solitary activity for me usually, but I'm open to trying something short and sweet with someone (if things like time and energy line up as well)

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Steddie, if we don't consider fandoms I'm no longer actively reading things for! However I'm pretty easy to please, I love Steve and Eddie as characters and so seeing them in other ships (like Stommy and Hellcheer or a threesome version etc) is always a good time!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have two fics I started writing before I wrote the first one I published. They're important to me and also my writing has changed so much that I'm scared to even try editing them, because I don't want them to lose that specific thing they have that I might not be able to conjure back up.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Tension, when I get it right, it becomes the best thing about what I've written, no matter what the context is! Also I keep finding I write gay sex between two friends who are in love but just haven't Gotten To That Part yet, so I'd also say an emotional slowburn but a sexual flashfire.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Outlining, keeping up with motivation if I at all try to organize or plan in on purpose. I have to trick myself, like hiding a little pill in a piece of cheese, in order to have planning and organization in a fic. That's part of the reason why I operate in series instead of really long multi-chapter fics, because that's one way I can hide the pill from myself.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I haven't ever and I don't know if I'd be confident enough in my resources to do that! But it's cool when other people do.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

...so I was like 11 years old writing Inuyasha and Kagome...

ST is the first fandom I've published for in over a decade AND it's the first fandom that I've published more than one fic for.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

That's really hard to answer. I really like a lot of aspects from all of them! Dive (microfic, july prompt "pool", body worship) was my favourite for ages, though. And it's still my fave microfic for sure!!

Acceptance and Negation might be my favourite longer fic, there's just something about the antagonism and complicated feelings about being so horny over everything that I find really fun to write!

No pressure tags!!!! @vecnuthy @wormdebut @hbyrde36 @penny00dreadful @stobinesque and anyone who wants to do it! <3

[mayalaen]

20 questions for fic writers

@whataboutthefish tagged me - thanks Fishie!!

First, my AO3

How many works do you have on AO3?

191

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

2,150,989

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Supernatural, Stranger Things, Fargo, Stargate, Dickensian, The Blacklist, The X-Files, Angel the Series & Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm probably gonna pick up a few more soon.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

CONventional Psychopathy 'Verse - SPN AU Tumblr Ask Box Requests - SPN 40 ficlet challenge Alpha House 'Verse - SPN AU Resonance 'Verse - SPN canon verse with angel sounds Best Brother Ever - SPN with a technique that has gotten me the most questions from readers saying "does that really work?" Yes it does.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do, but sometimes it takes me a while to respond because I get weird and shy about it at times. I love comments and read them over again when I need a boost!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't usually have angsty endings, but with CH challenge fics I go ahead and do shit I don't normally do - so Inside (SPN) would be the angstiest ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Splintered - ST fic where I throw a lot of shit at the guys but they all get a happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yup. I delete comments and asks immediately though so readers and followers hopefully never see any of it. I don't play that game.

9. Do you write smut?

SO MUCH. SOOOOO much.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Open Sesame Street Walker has to be the wildest one I've done. It was a challenge fic. A choose your own adventure style thing, and I wanted to make every outcome disturbing. I did it, but at the cost of ruining Sesame Street for myself and others 😂

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yup. CON 'verse is still being sold on a bunch of sites and the "author" is continuing to add more books to the series. I've tried a few times to get them taken down but only succeeded in getting things taken down for a few months. Out of all the fics that could've been stolen, that's the one that's the WORST because I'm also writing it as original fic and have been for years. I've got proof of that, but if retailers fight me on it when I try to publish, it's gonna suck.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. A few.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I wrote a few years ago but haven't in a while. I'd like to do it again!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

No way I can answer that. I'm definitely a multshipper at heart, and I can't even decide on favorite characters, let alone a favorite ship!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Rewritten in the Stars is something I'd love to finish, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get in the headspace again. It's complicated and rewrites aspects of the characters while sticking closely to canon with a lot of moving parts over a 30-year time frame. The first part of the series feels complete if you read it, but I have 30k written of part 2 and a full outline for part 3.

16. What are your writing strengths?

The thing I get complimented on the most is my worldbuilding. I also think I'm good at natural dialogue - making it sound like actual speech instead of written word.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I have trouble condensing things and it gets wordy 😭

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've kinda sorta done it with alien language and angel language, a few words here and there of other languages - most of it just English in italics to show that it's not being said in English. I don't think I'd ever try and use an actual language I didn't know for more than a word or two.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Stargate SG1

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

CON 'verse is and probably always will be my favorite. 💜

Tagging from my activity list with no obligation to do it: @actualalligator @medusapelagia @wheels-of-despair @kallisto-k @ltleflrt @peachonified @underwater-ninja-13

If anybody else wants to play, please tag me so I can see your stuff!

[shychick-52]

Weird writers asks- 1, 7, 10, 13 and 19!!!

OOOH, THANKS. :D

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Times New Roman, size 12. So, standard. I'm used to it, having written in that all my life, plus it's by far the easiest on my eyes. I know there's a trick with some other font that's supposed to increase writing speed or the amount you write, or something, but I always forget to try it!!! DX

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Breathing life into the characters and scenarios in my head. It's such a fun, almost surreal feeling. Writers are demi-gods, at the very least. We create life. :D It's like that one lyric in the 'Barbie Girl' song- "Imagination, life is your creation!"

I also love sharing my ideas about my favorite characters, including my headcanons, with others. Even though not many people read my stuff, I still love putting them out there. XD

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

I've been haunted by so many wonderful writers' stories, including yours! In other words, a really incredibly-written, powerful story (often heavy on the drama, angst, and hurt/comfort) that stays with me for a long, long time that I can't stop thinking out. One that destroys me in the best way.

As for my own writing, it doesn't necessarily have to be angsty or dramatic, although those are my favorite kind to write about. It's often an idea that I can't stop thinking about, that I HAVE to write or I'll go crazy. Like 'Who Am I?' and 'Circumstances and Control'. And I can't stop thinking about where to take the story next, what to do with the characters (usually it's the multi-chapter stories that haunt me the most), and I lie awake at night planning out details, scenes, and dialogue. And even once each new chapter is posted, or the story is finished, I often re-read them to see if they're as good as I originally envisioned or if I still feel the same pride about them I felt in the first place (and I'm pleased to say they usually do hold up).

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Anything sexual (especially pure smut). I'm ace/sex-repulsed as hell. I don't have much experience writing or reading about sexual content, let alone... ah, personal experience (because I'm not comfortable with any of it), so I also wouldn't even feel confident trying to write it. (However, I did write a one-shot fenro story called 'A Definitely Real Man', which was SCARY AS HECK because I've never done anything like that before. But to my surprise, it turned out really well.)

Subject matter easy for me to write is anything angsty. Especially where loved ones' lives are at stake or are dead (with lots of grieving, suffering, and even self-blame). I also love writing about abusive (or dead) parents.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I wrote my first fanfic in high-school for the anime series 'Cardcaptor Sakura', which was a really short one-shot. (A friend of mine had introduced me to fanfiction, and after reading a bunch of it, I decided to give it a try too.) As the years went one, I wrote more and more fanfiction for different interests of mine and soon it turned into a life-long hobby to this day.

As far as original writing goes, during my university days I wrote the first two books in a planned-out children's book series I've always wanted to write and publish. Unfortunately, it went through a lot of hiatus and writer's block because I couldn't get the story and characters to work properly. So, I abandoned it until years later when I picked it up again with a whole new idea to make it work; I ended up scrapping most of the original storyline and characters, leaving only the bare bones intact. Since then, it's worked out much better! I'm currently writing the third book in the series and editing the first two, but I don't really know how many books I want the series to be. Maybe two or three more? (I'll probably never get it published, but who knows? At the very least, it's another fun hobby.)

[cl4rke]

🎶✨️When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish, then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨️🎶

Thanks for the tag, @alyxmastershipper ! 💙💙Took me some time to finish this hehe I'm just so damn indecisive 😅 So I hope you'll let me cheat a little..

1. Honey It's Alright - Gregory Alan Isakov

"Honey, It's alright

It's alright to be

Alone"

This song!! Idk, it's just one of those that makes me very emotional almost every time. The melody brings me so much peace, and the lyrics, although they can be "uplifting", It's also like a shot to the chest. The fear of being alone has been a BIG theme for me for years, so this song is kinda like a therapy session hahah.

2. I Giorni / Nuvole Bianche / Experience / Divenire / le onde / Oltremare / Primavera / Fly - Ludovico Einaudi

*cough* since I can't seem to pick only one, I'll put them all here sfhasfjashfk

His music just slaps, and they helped me a lot when I was going through a very tough time in my life. It helped me - and still does - to relax and stay grounded every time anxiety decides to knock on the door.

3. It Won't Be Long - Branches

"All of the sadness and all of the tears

Bottled and labeled and locked up for years

'Til my alarm clock tied up my tongue

White flag was soaked with the sorrows I'd wrung"

It's a short one, but It's a song that helps me go through sad days. It's a constant, soothing voice in my ear that just says that: It wont be long. You'll get better. Things will get better. It's okay. Let it out. And it's enough.

4. One Day - Kodaline

"You're alwyas trying to see yourself

Through the eyes of someone else

Through the eyes of someone else"

One of my oldest insecurities, and - I think - the hardest to let go of. The constant feeling of not being enough. Not enough to love, not enough to stay for. It's a process, a very long one, but I only hope to break through it.

AH, and I'm married to this band! Brother, All I Want, High Hopes, Ready, All My Friends.. Bangers!!! ok, im done now.

5. Echoes - 2WEI

OKAY. LIKE. HOW DO I START?

The lyrics are the same until the end, so it's more about the song as a whole. It just makes me shiver every time! I don't know why!!

I found this one watching a 2019 multifandom mashup.. and in my opinion, it's one of the best mashups I have ever seen. It's so powerful! And beautiful! And UGH I LOVE IT!

I will leave the link for anyone who is interested on watching it! :) -

~~

Tagging: @elvensorceress @yelenasbuddie @belovedbuddie @trashyinfernomusic @piningpettymacandeddie @wandiinha @buckleyobsessed @ghostpascal @buckleyhans @mysticalcloudface (I'm very anxious to tag people jsbsjsjdjdjdj so plz don't feel pressured to do this!)

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Asking For Help

Whumptober, Day 31: Asking For Help

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

This one turned out exactly how I had it in mind... gods I can't believe whumptober is nearly over! Happy Halloween to everyone, and since it's already dark here, happy Samhain too for those that celebrate! I'm gonna finish the last prompt that I haven't finished yet, and then publish it, and I'll have completely completed a writing even for the first time ever. Yay! I'm so proud of myself, but let's not jinx it. Oh yeah, this is just before Amber turns 18. It's not mentioned at all though, but if that's on principle not something you wanna read, then don't read it! Hope ya'll enjoy, and lmk if you wanna be added to the taglist!

TWs: Multiple whumpers, reluctant whumper, captivity, asking for help & not recieving it, and mentions of hunger, nausea, torture, delusional whumper, carewhumper, sadistic whumper, flinching, implied peer pressure, resignation, and crying oneself to sleep

Amber was decidedly NOT having a good time. He’d been here for a very long time now. Weeks? Months? He was hungry as fuck, he’d been sleeping terribly, he was constantly nauseous from the sway of the boat (why on earth would they keep him on a boat??? who DID that?!!?), and the actual torture was, well, torture. 

Now Amber had never been the brightest, but he wasn’t stupid, either. He’d quickly learnt the differences in his captors.

Eileen was more emotional. She lost herself in rage more often than not when hurting him. She screamed, yelled, and shouted. She absolutely hated him. She blamed him for a lot of things that he was confused about. He remembered her from when he’d bullied her, and….. It was like, in her perception, everything he’d done was a thousand times worse than what it had been. She almost seemed delusional at times.

Mercedes was calmer. She was more.. clinical? When she tortured him, that’s all it was. Pain inflicted, mental anguish inflicted, whatever, but that was all. It was like she considered it… deserved, certainly, but.. justice. Yes! That was probably it.  Mercedes’ torture was, in her eyes, justice. Not revenge. She even seemed to show him compassion sometimes. Only on the times where he was too exhausted or scared to fight too much.

Hugo was… Hugo was weird. He was obviously different from the others, but Amber couldn’t pinpoint on what, exactly. He was quiet, level-headed, but not calm in the way Mercedes was. He seemed to enjoy Amber’s pain sometimes, a small sadistic glint of pleasure in his eyes. And sometimes it was like he didn’t care at all, unreadable. He liked making Amber do things, or tricking him. Hugo was the only one that liked messing with his mind.

Paul, though. Paul seemed… hesitant. He was the only one who seemed to know and understand that what they were doing was wrong. That Amber didn’t deserve what was happening. He flinched sometimes when Amber was being hurt. He never started a torture on his own, only assisting the others. Remorseful facial expressions, nervous body language….

And quite possibly… regretful. So Amber decided to zero in on that. 

Paul had held him down while Mercedes had carved into his thighs. Mercedes had said something about checking the kitchen and left, leaving Amber alone with Paul. Briefly, Amber wondered if there was something between them. Then he realized he really didn’t care. Paul entered the room with a large water bottle. Amber knew it was for him.

“Help.”, he said softly.

“What?”, Paul looked up suddenly, probably not sure if he’d heard it right.

Gaining confidence, Amber repeated himself. “Help.”

“I- I don’t think.. “

“Paul, you know what they’re doing is wrong. I know you do, I- please. Just help me, get me out of here, or, or give me food, fuck I’m so hungry. Help.”

Amber hated the begging but… it was worth it if it got him out.

“I- uh, I, I’m not, uh- “ Paul slowly backed up, looking incredibly called out and unsure of himself. Fuck. “I’m just gonna- Uh, I don’t.. bye”

Paul booked it out of there as fast as he probably could. He’d even forgotten Amber’s water.

FUCK. 

The bitter taste of resignation settled over Amber, soul-deep. He wouldn’t be getting out. He carefully crawled over to his favorite corner, the furthest away from the door. The lights switched off, and he heard the sound of the little motorboat leaving. 

An unexpected sob forced it’s way up his throat. He didn’t have the energy to cry…

Still, his ribcage wouldn’t stop shaking, and soon, tears dropped down his face. He gave 

up on trying not to cry, letting his face contort and the sounds escape him.

Soon, he tired himself out, and fell asleep.

[rocknrollsalad]

I wasn't tagged by anyone but I stole it off my dash because I want to do it lol

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Only sixteen but I'm no where near done

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

an absolutely bonkers 98,955 (i'm a half a oneshot away from 100,00?!?!?!?! what the fuck) (and not to brag but I'm currently polishing something that'll be a minimum of 60k)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently Stranger Things. There's some MCU on my ao3 because first and foremost I'll always be Bruce Banner trash

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Boyfriend Test - ADA Version 

From the Top, Make it Drop

Legally Speaking

It Was a Long Time Coming (Broken Arms and Healed Hearts)

Mountains, Molehills, and Other Such Problems; A Guide on How to Stop Your Nerd Boyfriend From Rambling by Steve Harrington 

The first fic has more kudos than three, four, and five combined. Also, I need to (again) pat myself on the back for the naming of number 5. A bitch to type out but I love it so much.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I struggle with what to type back to comments that are just the heart emoji but yeah, I eventually respond to them all. I wanna make friends and have cool fandom people and that doesn't happen being silent. Plus I'm so grateful people loved what I wrote enough to leave any comment at all.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't think there's an angsty fic in there, let alone an angsty ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

While I think they all have happy endings, maybe The Boyfriend Test - ADA Version has the happiest??? I think. feel free to tell me I'm wrong lol

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, i've not gotten any hate. things I wouldn't call positive sure but no hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I tired once recently and it did not receive good reviews so I'll stick to what I know for now. Too many ideas to hone a craft lol

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

to go with what I've said above, I think I have too many ideas. I did see a post about an Amazing Race AU and the thought of writing that will not leave my brain. That'd be a crossover right?? If so there's probably one on deck but nothing currently published.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I haven't. I don't think i'm big name enough for that but wow would it be so neat. i support this for any and all of my works if anyone wants.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no. i had someone who wanted me to but it didn't end up working out, unfortunately. I've always done the roleplay side of fandom/tumblr so I feel I'd be primed for it. The vibes would just have to be right.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

The OTP of all time?? Bruce Banner and Randall Jessup. The amount of times I've given the powerpoint presentation on this ship and helped people see the light, I can't not answer this. I wanna say something cooler, something more well known, steddie even but I think it has to go to those nerds.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The thing I refer to as my big fic would have to be the answer right? I mean, I want to think I'll finish it. I believe in it so hard and I think it just needs a bit of help but as it stands now, it's the considered abandoned and I don't want it to be.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Slice of life stuff. Banter. Comedy.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

All the cool stuff like pirates and demons and smut

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Don't use google translate?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

BBC Sherlock

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I think I'd either have to totally agree with my kudos graph and say The Boyfriend Test - ADA Version or completely disagree and say For a Bountiful Harvest (and Reprieve From Social Circles)

[x-akari-xv]

I'VE BEEN THERE

Let's talk about how hard to survive this year. Isn't? We encounter a lot of unexpected happenings. We cried, we give up, we surrender and we almost die. So answer me in a honest way, what keeps you going?

Since there's a lot of unsaid words, unspeakable feelings and not answerable thoughts there's also a lot of things to give thanks.

Written this on December 8 at 9:03 PM but i don't know when will i publish this. I guess it's up to my mood? opps no! I'll surely upload this soonest as much as i can.

But before we go dig in, i want to say thank you!

Thank you for reading, i honestly don't imagine that someone like you will read this blog. It's really appreciated, no words can expand how grateful i am to have you as my reader. I mean, i do not know what will be the outcome of this letter after i publish this but i promise to give you more chapters. So let's cheers for surviving the whole year!

A message to my past, present and future self

2021 thank you.

A thousand thank you for you. 3000 sorry for myself. And forever praise to the Lord for letting me survived this year.

No one saw me drowning in pain, but You saw me. No one notice that i disappear, i escape and i give up but You saved me. No one thought me to fight for this but You gave me a thousand reason to continue.

I encounter a lot of people, the permanent ones and a people for a short time. Most of them used me for their own satisfaction, some of them hurt me physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. It caused me trauma to trust people, it made me hard to believed what love really feels like. I mean, not a romance pov but in some way, how can i tell somebody to love themselves but i can't do it by my self?

She have a thin body, thin eyebrows, dry hair, ugly nose and it's hard for her to accept who really she i is. And when ever someone call her pretty it made her really anxious because she really don't believe that she is beautiful. Btw, SHE IS ME.

In my whole entire life, all that I've experienced is they're bullying me, using me and no one can listen to me. And you know what's the hardest? people knew me for being so confident and not shy over nothing. But it's not 〒_〒 I am the happiest and the saddest person you've ever met.

I've been there.

For a long time that i suffer and cried over the things that they have done to me i realized that all of the people that caused me trauma are fully moved on. They are okay. And i hope me too.. (napag iiwanan na ako...)

I'm still drowning from my own thinkings that, "why would they do that?" "what did i ever do to deserve a life with so much pain?"

It kills me everyday.

It so suffocating that I'm swallowing my pride just to forgive them without hearing any sorry. It's really hard 〒_〒

But praise forever the Lord for letting me feel all the kinds of feelings. Because one thing i knew is that, i am very brave. His love made me brave.

I've been there.

And i thanked God for allowing me to know Him. Coz you know what? if i don't know Him, i am now dead. I tried many self harm, thinking that if i end my life i will be living in peace. But thank God because He let me encounter Him and by that, the fear that i'll go to hell is the one who keeps me going. Believe it or not, I've been there.

And to my future self,

promise to love you more

It's hard but i know you will find rest in His presence

I know you can forgive them in order to open your heart to love them once again

Take your time to heal from the pain they caused to you and make it more easy to find the reason to continue

It's almost Kez, it is

You will finish the race, and you will continue because i know you

You may feel tired but you don't really want to give up

I'm so excited to see you happy again, to see you growing and healing.

Please hang in there for yourself, walk for your dreams and go fight alone. I know you can do it!

i love you and happy new year. ♡

New start for all of us, and you, the one who's reading this. Fight for yourself okay? if nobody can fight for you. YOU can do it by YOURSELF. I know, i know that it's hard for you to trust yourself at this moment but please believe that even if the time is running you have your own race, and you must run for YOURSELF.

Because you don't have to compare yourself to what others achievement. Because YOU HAVE YOUR OWN. You just don't see it right now, but YOU HAVE YOUR TIME and you must wait for it. Please stop praying for the things that really don't work out. I know, i know it's hard but can you change your mindset from i can't to I MUST CAN?

I mean, you must can because you are you! You know your self more than anyone else. Even if your mother has given birth to you, she has no idea what is your other side, believe it or not you only know your self. And the ability to believe that you can, CAN help you to survive.

And at this year, let's declare that "I MUST SURVIVE!"

Declare that upon your lungs,

Say it to your heart

Believe it to your mind

Change for yourself

You must love yourself

Because at the end of the day

YOU MUST CAN.

[damonjuicyscock]

Pictures of You- Chapter 7 (90's Liam Gallagher X Reader)

Pairing: 90's Liam Gallagher X Reader

Warnings: Language, A bit violent, ANGSTY AF, Mention of alcohol, drugs and blood (yes, yes you read correctly), a bit of smut (it's a bit huh... well you'll see but even I cried when I wrote this part because it was hard to write), maybe a few spelling mistakes but I hope not.

Words: 2186

Summary: You're Oasis's official photographer. Things get complicated between you and Liam. So much complicated that maybe, you don't feel like you could ever be happy and don't deserve it.

A/N: Hello everybody ! Hope you're all doing fine. I invented a part in this (the gig, I didn't know what the setlist was). I'm sorry I didn't publish our weekly fluff or smut, but I was exhausted and I'll have to stop writing them until September, because I have classes to finish and I got a job. But don't worry, I'll still publish the fan fic, and I'll make it up to you in September by publishing two weekly smut for two months. I also have to take care of my mental health, I hope you understand. Anyway, this chapter is really hard to read and triggering especially in the end, so please prepare your tissues, and don't read it if you think you might feel triggered.

Enjoy !

(Liam said hello)

October 11th, 1995- New York City

Since I woke up in Liam’s bed, some things were starting to get different.

It was like Liam knew that what I said this day when leaving his room was absolutely false.

So now, instead of being an asshole to get to fuck le, he was playing the sweet old Casanovas to get to fuck me. Even if his ego and self-esteem were absolutely pissing me off, this other side pleased me, and oh fuck, I was falling for him slowly and dangerously.

This day, someone knocked at my hotel room’s door and woke me up. When I opened the door, a cute employee was holding a massive bouquet of red roses.

Good morning miss Y/L/N, I have this for you.

Oh wow! Let me help you, we’re going to put it on the table.

Once it was put on the table, I thanked him, giving him a tip.

I took a look at the bouquet, searching for a hint, but deep down I already knew who was sending them to me, because it wasn’t the first time one I was receiving.

That’s what I meant when I said Liam was playing the Casanovas to get to fuck me.

And bingo, I found an envelope with a word inside it. “One city, one bouquet, with love, Liam”.

I rolled my eyes in annoyment. I was annoyed but it was actually charming.

But it was time to have a little discussion with the said Casanova in chief.

I left my bedroom, only wearing my nightgown and went towards Liam’s room. I knocked at the door, and he didn’t seem to be alone, because I heard female moans.

I knocked harder and I heard someone open the door. His sweaty face appeared.

Am I bothering you? I said, sighing

Well yea, I’m busy, me.

Fucking someone?

Yea, the cute receptionist.

Then why the fuck are you sending me flowers? I said, starting to be angry

‘Cause I like ye?

Stop bullshitting me William! I shouted

And stop calling me like that, I already told ye!

That’s your fucking name! Go fuck whoever you want but stop sending me flowers!

Why? ye’re jealous?

Absolutely fucking not!

Then why are ye reacting like this?

Because you’re pissing me off, and it’s making me mad! Understood? You were right, I’m fucking crazy William and you don’t know what I can do okay? my hand fucking itches to slap you again and I will if you don’t fucking stop! I said screaming and laughing nervously at the same time

I shouted with all my lungs, spent all my energy and was as out of breath as Liam was.

Are ye done? He asked

Yes!

Good.

And just like this, he slammed the door in front of me.

 I was really going mad. If Liam thought he could play with me, I would prove him wrong. He wouldn’t play this game for long. I hated this situation and I hated him, so much.

I lost control again and felt I wanted to break something. I could have if I didn’t forget the card of my hotel room inside of it.

So who’s the dumbass who had to go down to the reception still in her nightgown to ask an employee (who was the cute one again) to come and open the door for me? Me, myself and I.

When he opened the door for me, I thanked him again, embarrassed, and something I would never have suspected happened.

Are you… free tonight?

Am I… oh! Well, not until at least 23 hours.

23 hours?

Oh sorry, I meant 11pm.

Okay, I don’t mind, my service finishes at 10. Want to have a drink after?

Finally the cute employee was flirting with me.

It would be a pleasure…huh…

Frank, my name is Frank.

Then it would be a pleasure Frank. I said smiling

I’ll be waiting for you at the reception.

And I’ll be joining you there.

A bad day changing into a good one? I hoped. The other thing I hoped for was that Liam didn’t pay him for that. Because why would someone be with me anyway? There were my thoughts in 1995, because I was highly paranoiac. I’m still today, but far less than this.

*

During the gig, while I was taking pictures Liam’s look was insistent. I caught him during Columbia. It’s like he was singing to me and tried to send me a message. “I can’t tell you the way I feel way I feel, because the way I feel is oh, so new to me”. “This is confusion, am I confusing you?”

Then during Acquiesce: “I only want to see the light that shine behind your eyes” “Because we need each other, we believe in one another, and I know we’ll going to uncover what’s sleeping in our soul.”

Shakermaker: “Shake along with me”

Live Forever: “You and me are gonna live forever”.

It may not mean anything to you, but it really was a sign of something, maybe he really did like me? I was perturbed, I was lost. This man had something over me, and he just started, and it would never end.

After the gig, as planned, I joined Frank who eventually invited me to dine in a good restaurant. What I didn’t know was that I had been followed.

I understood it when I saw enter the restaurant with a brunette.

Oh fuck.

What is it? Frank asked

My boss is here.

You don’t seem to like him.

Well I forgot to tell you that I’m the official photographer of a famous band. And my boss is sat at the bar. Turn and look discretely.

He did as I said and got troubled.

Is that Liam Gallagher?

Yes it is!

You’re Oasis’s official photographer?

Happily and sadly, yes.

You don’t get along with Liam?

No, he’s an asshole.

Thought he was cool.

He isn’t. At least not with me. He was the one sending me the flowers. He likes to provoke me and piss me off. We hate each other and that’s why he does this. I’m practically sure he followed us.

Liam looked at us and sticked out tongue to me and I rolled my eyes.

Y/N, are you with me?

Yeah, sorry.

Do you want us to swap our places?

Please?

I don’t mind. It will allow you to truly be here with me.

And not to have this dickhead in front of me.

Liam stood the whole dinner. What was his purpose? What was he trying to do?

Frank and I got along quickly, learning to know each other, and during the dessert, he started holding my hand. That’s where it all went wrong.

Soon, I felt a hand slap my shoulder.

What do ye think ye’re doing?

Liam, for fuck’s sake leave me alone! I whispered

Nah, ye’re me girlfriend and ye have nothing to do here.

Oh yeah? Well first, I am not your girlfriend, second where is the bitch you were with earlier?

Gone.

Great dude. Now leave us alone or I’ll ask someone to call the cops. You’re harassing her, and this is illegal. Frank said

Ye shut the fuck up, it’s between me and me girlfriend.

I am not your girlfriend!

Frank got up and stood in front of Liam.

The smell of alcohol was strong, Liam was probably highly drunk, and it wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last.

Leave. I won’t say it a third time.

And you all know how Liam is, he felt compelled to make a mess of things. Right after Frank said this, he was pushed on the table. He fell, knocking over cutlery, plates, and glasses, in fact, the whole table.

Liam! I shouted

Frank stood up, humiliated, but ran towards Liam, jumping on him, and they started to fight. Slaps over slaps, punches, strangling, kicks… And I couldn’t stop them. This time, I was the one humiliated.

I had my face in between my hands, I didn’t know how to stop them from fighting. I secretly hoped the restaurant staff would call security or something like that.

My wish came true when 2 muscled and hardboiled men separated them and threw them outside.

I paid the dues before leaving and finding them both outside, insulting each other, being held up by two persons so they wouldn’t fight.

Really? After what you both did, you’re still trying to fight? I said, angry and disappointed

Oh come on Y/N! You know he started it! Frank said

Yea, I started it because she’s me fucking girlfriend!

I don’t give a fuck who started it! For fuck’s sake, does any guy knows how to fucking behave?

Y/N, listen… Frank started

No, fuck you! both of you! And William, you can cure your wounds alone!

The young lad approached me, touched my shoulder with his hand, and he shouldn’t have.

I turned around and punched him in the face. To be clear, I punched his nose. So he was covered in blood, more than he already was.

I was already ashamed and feeling so enraged at the same time.

I left without saying anything, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Liam was spoiling everything good that was happening to me.

*

It was 5am, I finally managed to sleep after drinking heavily, smoking joints and cigarettes, and it wasn’t something anyone would like to see.

And a loud boom was made against my room’s door.

Y/L/N, open the fucking door! A male voice with a strong mancunian accent shouted

As per usual, I crawled to the door, managing to grip the knob, and opened it.

Are looking to wake the whole hotel up Liam?

I need to talk to ye.

And I don’t, doesn’t seem like your fucking bloody nose was useful, maybe you want me to hit you again?

No.

Then fuck off!

But Liam was way stronger than me and found how to get inside my room.

What the fuck Liam?!

I swear that if ye don’t listen to me, ye’ll be the one getting a bloody nose.

Wow. I said, crossing my arms

Wot?

Well you’re just like him.

Like who?

Your father.

I saw his fists ball up.

Take this back right now. You don’t know what and who the fuck ye’re talking about. He said dryly

An alcoholic…

Stop.

And a wife beater.

I said stop!  He screamed, threatening to punch me, tears invading his eyes

And you’re both cowards.

Liam approached me, and grabbed my neck, squeezing it. I was sure that if I said one more word, I’d be dead. And at this time, I was looking for it.

Do it Liam, strangle me… kill me… you’re dying for it.

And I broke something in him. He was so angry and crying at the same time. For the first time in my life, I had Liam fucking Gallagher wrapped around my finger.

His hate was powerful, as much as the smell of alcohol he had inside of his mouth. He was looking deep inside my eyes.

And who knows why, the second after, he had his lips crushed on mine.

I didn’t reject him. Instead, I bit his lip until blood spilled out of it.

As a reflex, he touched his lip, blood on his fingers, but kissing me again.

His body was fully glued against mine, and he took my thighs in his hands, gluing me against the wall. I could feel his hard-on poke against me, kissing me languorously.

I felt his hand go down between my legs, and he tore my undies off, undoing his belt, opening his trousers and boxers before slamming inside me without warning.

My mouth was filled with his tongue being mixed with mine; I couldn’t speak.

But I didn’t want this. I desired Liam, but not like that. Not as I was a prey being ready to be played with, killed, and eaten like a Lioness would do with a gazelle. His hips were rutting against mine in a savage and violent act.

I managed to pull my mouth of his, causing him to grunt loudly.

Liam, no, please, stop…

He kept going until tears started running down my face. He didn’t hear me but saw me.

He let go of thighs, letting me fall on the ground, against the wall, and he put his member back in his boxers, zipped up his trousers, and left my room, slamming the door, leaving me here, alone, and fragile against this wall and crying.