#i don't think forcing yourself to write things is good for the creativity and i'm also not that serious abt this ngl

[loquarocoeur]

cradles your face

alex yes the monza fic is calling to you how else will we get to read about them having copious amounts of sex after charles’ win

😥

I fear the monza fic may just have to be written...

[foone]

I see a lot of people joking about the adhd thing of "I have a appointment/phone call at 3pm, guess I won't do anything all day!"

But no one seems to make the connection that it's a time blindness thing. One of the symptoms of ADHD is not having a good and accurate sense of time. And not doing stuff prior to an event with a hard deadline is an obvious coping mechanism for that.

Can I go to the store? It's 10am and the appointment is at 3pm. How long does going to the store take? An hour? Three hours? Five hours? I DON'T KNOW!

I get anxious trying to do things before appointments because I'm aware that I don't know how long those things take, and that if I think I do, I may be very wrong. Too often I've been like "hey I can walk to the corner store and grab a drink, that'll take like 15 minutes!" and then an hour later I get back and whoops my rice has burnt.

Plus there's also the fact that ADHD people know that motivation and focus is a two-edged sword.

Like, let's say you decide to play a video game. You've got time, you can pause/save whenever, so this should be a perfect fit to make good use of your waiting-time. So you start playing and WHOOPS you get really focused for some reason today (because people with ADHD do not get to pick when their brain decides to focus) and the next time you look at the clock it's 2:49 and you haven't showered or dressed and the appointment is 30 minutes away. Fuck. (you could have set an alarm, but now you're asking people with the forgetting-things-and-time-ignoring condition to remember it set alarms)

And with motivation, it can be almost worse. Instead of playing a game, you so something useful or creative. You clean your room or fix your plumbing or write a story or draw a picture. And suddenly it's great. Your brain is firing on all cylinders. You've got all the motivation you can ask for, and you are FLYING. the ideas are brilliant, your hands are nimble, you're getting stuff done you've been putting off for weeks or months. And then the alarm goes off. Time to go to your appointment. Fuck.

You drive there, your brain still full of ideas and plans. But by the time you get back, the motivation is gone. You may still have the ideas but you don't have the drive to write them down. You can't force yourself to do it. Your sink is still in pieces. Your room is half-cleaned, and you have to shove all the sorted clothes into one big bin just so you have somewhere to sleep. You've left things half finished again, in a cycle that has been repeating your whole fucking life. It seems sometimes that nothing ever gets finished.

So next time you don't even start. There's not time. You've been burnt too many times. Why add another half-completed project to your pile of shame?

My point is that people seem to be going "lol I can't do anything all day if I have an appointment at 3pm" like this is a quirky "oh I'm so scatterbrained!" weirdness they alone have, and not a major complication of a disabling mental illness.

(and that's not even getting into the secondary effects. If you know that having an appointment ruins your whole damn day, you're going to avoid them. Even when it's things like "going to that party" or "meeting your friends for a drink/game" or "going to a movie with that cute girl from your math class". Things you should enjoy. Things that'd help you be social. Things that make you feel human.)

[fixyourwritinghabits]

Checking In

Good day my fellow exhausted creatives, it sure does be A Time we're going through. There is certainly a lot of things happening at once, and like many of you I'm struggling to stay afloat while desperately playing catch-up. I'll be honest, shit's pretty damn fucked up. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and reflect on some reminders.

Don't panic.

People are facing a lot of hard choices when it comes to what platforms to use, and I know it's pretty tempting to burn everything down. Take a deep breath and think about your options. Nightshade and Glaze aren't perfect, true, but they're open about their limitations and are still tools you can use. Look into alternative word processors beyond Google Docs that won't have AI-scraping. Take your time deciding what to do with your creative output and where to share it. I am Old, and I have seen several social media websites crash and burn. You will always have more options.

Take care of yourself first.

I've seen a lot of people burning themselves out hard over things they can't control. Gaza, anti-LGBTQ issues, American politics, it's a whole lot and it's all overwhelming. You cannot accomplish anything if you don't take the time to put your oxygen mask first. Eat, sleep, turn your phone off when you feel yourself being sucked in. This seems obvious, but it's often the hardest thing to do, believe me I know. You gotta keep yourself going before you can help others.

Small things still matter.

There's a lot of things you can still do even when you feel like you can't. You can sign petitions, you can promote the activism of others. Vote in local elections. Keep yourself informed without drowning - check your news sources once a day rather than all the time. Talk to your friends, spend time with your pets, find ways to help in your local community (a great place to find resources is your library!). Go for a walk with a trash picking tool and a garbage bag. A small difference is still a difference.

Recharge Creatively.

It can be hard to do creative things when you feel like there's so many other important things to do. But being creative - creating art, writing a story, doing a hobby - IS important to yourself and others. Sometimes you have to force yourself to do so - I have to put "watch a movie" on my to do list, or I'll never make time for it. Go to a coffee shop and make art. Play that new video game. Write that silly coffee shop AU. These things are important to you, and they will carry through with what you want to do for others.

Do what you can when you can and you will make it through.

[artificial-transmutations]

Hey I'm George. I am a 26 civil engineer working in a big company but it si not what i expected. It is so boring and I am only doing it since it ws what is expected of me. I wish you could transform me into a hot stripper or porn star cause that's has always been my secret dream. I don't wanna be transformed into an object.

Transformation Letters - The gay club

Even writing the letter to the unknown company has been an act of rebellion. All your life, you have been doing what was expected of you. You finished school with good grades and enrolled in an engineering degree program.

The first years were alright. It was still interesting, and you enjoyed the classes, but slowly you had to come to the realization that perhaps, engineering wasn't quite for you. The work was getting more and more monotonous, and the tasks were less and less creative. Regardless, you graduated with an acceptable degree and got a job in the field as a civil engineer.

Now, almost three years later, you are sitting in a small office cubicle, doing the same stuff that you did in the last few years.

"I hate it here.", you think and look at the blueprints on the wall. They are supposed to be "motivating", showing what your company builds. To you, however, they are nothing more than a reminder that the work is dull and unfulfilling.

As you get up and grab the coffee from the machine, you realize just how much of a rut your life has fallen into. Looking at the calendar on the wall, you recognize another thing: It's your birthday today. Yay. 26 wasted years, at least in your opinion. You don't have many friends or family, but for once, you decide to celebrate a bit on your own. You are going to visit a club tonight.

Some hours later, you find yourself in a gay nightclub. You are not out or anything, but your sexuality has been a matter of fact to you for some years now, so visiting a gay bar is on your bucket list anyway. The thumbing music surrounds you, making it near impossible to talk to anyone and even though it feels kind of exciting to be in such a location, you can't help but feeling kind of lonely and displaced here. Seeing all those hot guys dancing makes it terribly obvious for you that you are way too uptight to ever move your body to the music like that.

But... Perhaps you should just... try?

The thought is entirely alien to you, but... strangely appealing. So, you just try to dance to the music.

At first, it feels very awkward and a bit uncomfortable, but after a few moments, you relax. And, to your big surprise, you actually manage to move your body along with the beat. As your self-confidence grows, so does the speed and forcefulness of your movements. Before you know it, you have attracted the attention of a group of three men. Normally, being the center of attention would be something you despise, but right now it feels liberating and right. So right, in fact, that you do something crazy! The stage is empty right now, and, following these strange new impulses, you climb onto the stage and begin to dance to the music. You are still wearing your work attire and it is quickly becoming way too warm as you move your body. So, without thinking, you slowly begin to unbutton your shirt.

To your amazement, the crowd begins to cheer and applaud. It is like a wave of acceptance and approval washes over you, and the more buttons you undo, the more enthusiastic the cheering becomes. It is somehow getting easier and easier to follow the beat. Both your sense of rhythm as well as your physical fitness seem to increase and moving to the music quickly becomes a second nature for you. When you have finally unbuttoned your shirt, you slide out of it and spin it around your hand a few times before throwing it into the crowd. A bunch of hands shoot up, and the shirt quickly disappears. You keep moving to the music, now only wearing a white undershirt, which sticks to your skin and reveals your well-toned body. You have been working out once in a while, trying to keep yourself fit with mediocre success, but even you are a bit surprised how well your body looks right now. Your muscles are defined and bulging and when you pull the undershirt off as well, the cheers rise to an almost deafening level.

It feels like a wave of energy rushes through your body. You can barely think straight and the only thing you can focus on is the music and the movement. You have already gotten used to being the center of attention, but now, even more people join the crowd around you. They are staring at your body, and you can clearly make out their lust and admiration, making you smile. The next thing to go, is, of course, your pants, which you slowly peel off and, as with the shirt, throw them into the crowd, where they disappear as well.

Your movements are becoming faster and faster, and soon, you have almost completely shed your clothes, revealing your athletic and lean body, now shining with sweat. Your ample bulge is thinly veiled by your pair of bright blue briefs that do their best to set your assets, both your dick and your ass, into scene...

***

Hey, I’m Elias, a 22yo bartender with a French and Linguistics degree at University, though sometimes I wish I could trade smarts for sports and strength. I don’t think I’m unattractive, I never have much problem getting attention from guys at the club, but I feel like guys just look at me like I’m another pale twink with brown hair and hazel eyes. I don’t want to be an object, I like being a man: I just want to be more manly. Muscles and beard, I want to look powerful and have other guys be jealous of me.

It's a usual Friday evening for you, and you are tending bar in the towns gay club as usual. It's not too bad - your twinkish body usually gets you some tips, and today is no different. There are times, however, that you wish you were just a bit more... manly. Of course, everyone always wants to be what they are not. But seeing those sexy guys every day, made of beef and manliness makes you almost hate your thin and slender form. That is, after all, what made you write that letter some weeks ago, even though you already forgot about it by now.

All of a sudden, one of the club's visitors climbs onto the stage. Even though it's empty right now, people aren't supposed to go up there, for insurance reasons. Apparently, nobody else has noticed, so you decide to handle the situation yourself. You tell your colleague on the bar that you will be right back and then make your way to the stage.

The guy who has climbed up there seems to be some kind of office worker and is apparently completely focused on dancing. You just want to tell him to come down from the stage when he begins to unbutton his shirt in the rhythm of the music. Having forgotten what you meant to do for a moment, you stare, mesmerized at the guy on stage slowly getting out of his shirt. He looks quite attractive and moves his body like a pro. The crowd notices the show, and slowly, the whole scene becomes the focus of attention. The office guy has now spun his shirt around and thrown it into the crowd, which has now grown considerably. You have to admit, the whole show and the guy look kind of sexy. Not your usual type, he has more of a lean and athletic body that is revealed more and more with every move he takes. Still, he is good.

Next to you, directly in front of the stage, one of the red faux leather chairs has just become free, as the guy who sat in it went to get some drinks. The crowd is moving constantly and, without really thinking, you take a seat there. The office worker is still dancing, his sweaty body almost glowing, and his bulge looks impressively large, even in the low lighting of the club. You can feel yourself getting hard, and through your suit pants, you feel yourself up discreetly.

Actually.

Fuck discreetly. You rub your crotch through your pants while your eyes are still glued to the stripper on stage. Your mind is slowly going blank. You don't notice how the other bar patrons slowly stop moving to the music and gather around the stage instead, watching the office guy perform. You are completely entranced, unable to think, just staring at the spectacle in front of you, while your cock strains against the fabric of your pants.

Actually, your cock is not the only thing straining against your clothes. It is as if all your body is expanding, in every direction, all at once: Your shoulders, your arms, and your legs widen and grow thicker, while your ass and muscles swell. At the same time, the first hints of stubble and beard hairs break through your skin.

Your suit feels constricting, and you consider getting up to go to the bathroom to get out of them. But...

Actually.

Fuck modesty. With more raw strength than elegance, you remove your clothing while you still can. Your body continues to grow stronger and stronger and when your chest is bared, your nipples have hardened to the point where they seem like small pebbles.

It feels so fucking good to just get out of the clothes that are becoming more and more uncomfortable with every passing second. You watch with a superior smile as hair also grows on your chest and abs, as well as on your legs and arms, making your whole torso look furry.

When your pants are gone, your underwear is the only piece of clothing left on you.

And fuck, that's getting really tight!

But, as you watch, it is morphing into a different material. What was once a pair of cotton boxer briefs quickly becomes a pair of black shiny leather underwear, pronouncing the growing bulge of your hard cock. The bulge is, of course, not only growing because you're rock-hard: Also, inside the alien pair of leather underwear, your member is growing bigger and bigger with each throb, slowly becoming a true monster cock.

Other parts of you don't seem to be stopping growing larger as well: Your biceps are more than impressive right now, your forearms look like you can crush a watermelon with them and your thighs are as thick as tree trunks.

As the music keeps playing, the hair on your body grows denser and longer. You now have a manly full beard, and, as you cross your strong arms behind your head, a thick bush of hair emerges from each of your armpits, flooding the direct vicinity with your manly stench.

You grin as you look up to the stripper, who is just about to shed his pair of blue underwear and lick your lips. After the show, you're gonna take him home and breed him!

[lucky-lucky-duck]

Forget You, Forget-Me-Not

A continuation based on a reply to my Vaga Snapshot post that i'm writing between cram sessions. The semester ends in 2 days and I'm dying, but it's fine. c: Everything is fine. c: I'm gonna start on the matchup in a couple days when my load lightens, this is just a late night creative outlet for stress c':

Leo Kurosagi x Vagastrom Ghoul Reader (2nd person pov and gender neutral)

Leo goes too far in an argument, and I'll fill this out tomorrow. For now, it's sad. Reader nearly gives up on braking the curse causing the people around them to slowly forget they exist. Fuck I'm tired

Morning edit - I fixed a couple of spelling mistakes, but the description made me laugh so it stays. I'm still fucking tired.

"I'm passing the phone to a No-Name NPC who is so unremarkable that the faculty evaluators actually forgot they existed."

You're ignoring him. It's been four days, and you've barely said a word to anyone, but everyone knows that Leo is somehow the culprit.

It doesn't really matter, you think with dull amusement. Sho and Alan had both been out at the time; the only witnesses to your humiliation were you, Leo, and the general students. Leo's too busy trying to bait you into argument to gloat about his win to the others, and you aren't about to tell them yourself.

The general students are a non-issue, too. Most of them struggle to remember your name most days, they're not about to suddenly start remembering gossip about you.

The thing is, you've had fights with Leo before. Hell, fighting with Leo has something of a hobby to you once you started sharing a living space with him. There's just something about him that brings out the worst in you. The vicious snake-like part, that coils up with anticipation and prepares to strike when you see Leo enter the room. You used to think of it as something that you both secretly look forward to, once the vitriol died down and your metaphorical fight-to-the-death turned into elementary-school bullying.

He's never brought up your curse like that before. It's been tit-for-tat, both of you giving just as good as you get. It's supposed to be fun.

You squash the pang of longing in your chest with snarled anger, only to be drenched in an icy kind of apathy. There are lines both of you choose not to cross these days (you were under that impression at the time, at least.), and the waning acknowledgment of your existence had definitely been one of them. Christ, you didn't exactly pour salt onto Leo's obvious abandonment wounds during these fights, did you?

"What did Leo do to you?" Sho's voice snaps you out of your thoughts.

"Nothing, why do you ask?" Your voice scrapes lifelessly as you meet his eyes with a small, strained grin.

"Really? Then what, you've been moping around the dorms the past few days because you enjoy the smell of sweat and motor oil?"

"You know me, can't get enough of the ol' sugar and spice." The attempted banner falls flat as you make to slip around him and head for your dorm at the end of the hall, only to be held in place with a single strong hand on your wrist. "You ever tried shake weights?"

"Stop," he shuts down your distraction. "You know he's a rat bastard, right? You can't take what he says personally. We're going to find a way to break the curse."

So, Leo told Sho what happened after all, has he?

Sho's words slow to a stop when he notices the dead-eyes and scowl that have overtaken your forceful nonchalance from earlier.

"I wasn't lying, I'm not angry at Leo for what he said to me," Apart from the fact that you kind of are. "He wasn't exactly wrong."

"Shut up already!" You don't turn your head to look at Leo as he appears in the corridor. Figures he would listen in on a private conversation. It's probably him who sent Sho to find you in the first place. Bastards.

In the end, the choice is made for you, and a new set of hands grip your shoulders, yanking you face-to-face with the person you wanted to see least.

"Are you telling me I've been wasting my time on someone this fucking pathetic?" The words would hurt more if the expression on Leo's face were less desperate. If anyone looks pathetic here, it's him. "Of course. You would be willing to sit back and watch as you sink into irrelevance, wouldn't you? If that's what you want, fine." It's funny how adept you've become at interpreting Leo's mannerisms after all of the fighting.

For all of the accusations and insults, the only thing you see in front of you is a hissing kitty cat desperately trying to make amends in the only way it knows how. It's a shit apology, but... Leo isn't the type to put on this type of fit unless he feels threatened and cornered, and, as far as you are aware, the only threat being posed at the moment is you walking away from him.

Your bar sure has sunk low these days, yikes.

"That would probably hurt more if you weren't still gripping my shoulders like we're in a steamy novel. Do you have fantasies of pinning me down often?" You're promptly shoved away and insulted once more, free to turn back and walk back toward your dorm without sparing either boy behind you a glance.

As you prepare yourself for bed, you notice the ache in your chest loosening just enough to let you breath deeply. If just for tonight, you'll fall asleep free from the fear that tomorrow will be the day you finally wake up as a stranger.

[fangswbenefits]

getting this off my chest

I really, really love writing for this fandom.

I think I haven't felt like this in years.

Astarion is such an enticing vessel for my creativity and has rekindled my joy for writing and putting it out there.

Alas, imposter syndrome really gnaws at my nerves more often than I care to admit.

"But Ruby, you have so many people who like your work. Why do you doubt yourself?"

Because I grew up being told I was never enough. That I was the worst at what I did best, which back then was learning English and surrounding myself in the language, hence why I sought comfort in fanfiction.

My sister, whom I love dearly, is an English teacher. She would be so harsh on me, and I know she meant well. She really did. But it was so hard back then. I would come to her with creative writing in English and she would just roll her eyes and tell me I wasn't good enough.

Nowadays, she acknowledges that I am more proficient than her and more at ease with the language, and even tells my nephew to study English with me instead.

But back then, I needed someone to believe I could do better.

So, there is a part of me that is proud that I am able to deal with real-life fatigue by writing and finding enjoyment in this hobby. But a much darker part of me tells me I'm not worthy and that I simply got lucky.

The Arrangement means a lot to me. I tend to dive right into fandoms and start writing for the character that caught my eye.

But I couldn't do that for Astarion... I am still unsure why. For those of you who have been here from my Miguel O'Hara days or when I first started posting about Astarion, you'll know The Arrangement was the first thing I ever posted for him.

Took me 2 weeks to get the first chapter out because I kept thinking I couldn't find a voice for Astarion. One that felt like him. After all, I'm always a step behind because I am not a native speaker. There will always be that looming feeling that I can't convey this story properly.

Even if you now know me for my Astarion smut, that wasn't even the driving force of my love for him.

It took me 2 months to feel comfortable writing smut for him. Why? I don't even know.

But The Arrangement feels different.

I love writing it and I love taking my liberties with the plot.

It's my opportunity to fully showcase my love for him.

I know not everyone likes it. I know some of you have dropped it. Some of you will drop it. But some will walk along this path with me, and I can't stress enough how your feedback and love help keep these negative thoughts at bay.

It's an internal work, though. It is not your job to validate my writing skills. This is not what puts food on my table. I am not looking to be published. I am looking for an escape. And it's so frustrating when my mind tries to rob me of joy even when it comes to a hobby.

"If this is a hobby why does it matter what others think or if they like what you write? Just have fun. Write for yourself."

And I do write for myself, but I share my work because I am hopeful my words can make someone's day. I seek that connection I never had growing up. Perhaps it sounds silly, but it's what makes the most sense in my head.

The Arrangement should be my pride and joy even if not perfect (nothing ever is, I suppose). And I'm exhausted of not feeling proud of it. I'm tired of this vicious cycle of self-doubt.

Don't get me wrong. I love writing smut. I think that's what I'm best at (well, in my opinion). I love exploring Astarion this way, too, but...

I don't know where I'm going with this... if anyone has made it this far, thank you, and sorry for the word vomit...

[the-therapist-needs-therapy]

Experiences

Pairing : Lee Jihoon x Reader

Genre : Fluff

Warnings : Jihoon has slight commitment issues

Even the best lyricist needs inspiration to make his piece better, which is why Jihoon comes to you when he feels that his latest song needs more life to it.

"I feel like it's missing something," you say, tapping your pen on the notepad. "It needs a soul."

"I know right? I feel like it's too bland," Jihoon replies, a visible line appearing on his forehead as he bites his lip. "I think I'm done for."

"Hey, hey, quit the negative thoughts. What's this song about?" you ask, wanting to know the meaning behind the lyrics in his point of view. That way, maybe you can help him with something.

"It's about new experiences," he says, rubbing his temples to ease the headache he's going through, "Not specific."

You think for a while, and suddenly, a light bulb clicks in your head, "Maybe that's where we need to change a bit. Make it more specific. Give it a genre perhaps?"

He seems to consider your idea for a moment but his face eventually turns back into the scowl he's been wearing for the past 1 hour, "What genre, though? I'm going blank."

"What do your fans expect the most from you?"

"They want me to write something related to romance but that's so hard. I have no experience in dating or love or anything related to romance in the first place," he seems to have given up but you were willing to make this song work. The lyrics were so creative, it seemed almost illegal to give up now.

"I get it now," you clap your hands, "The song doesn't need a soul. It's you. You need a life outside of music."

Jihoon looks offended for a moment. "I do have a life outside of music," he protests, "I have you. That's enough for me."

Your cheeks turn bright red at his answer. How can he be so straight-forward?

"Having one best friend doesn't count. You need a girlfriend."

"Can't you be my girlfriend?"

Your heart skips a bit before you clear your throat, "I don't think that's how it works. You need to like me first"

He thinks for a moment, "I like you alright. I get butterflies in the stomach all the time talking to you. I just don't know if I like you enough."

You laugh, finally understanding the real problem in his situation, "You're afraid of commitment, right?"

"Yeah, that's probably it but," he takes a deep breath before continuing, "If it's you I wouldn't be that afraid."

"I wouldn't mind dating you either," you see Jihoon's face turn red and you know yours had to be redder than his.

"Yeah, so um do you perhaps wanna go on a date," he asks and when it takes a moment for you to answer he starts waving his hands frantically, "Not forcing you or anything. It's totally your wish."

He's such a liar, you think, he says he doesn't have experience in romance but he seems to make your heart do all kinds of jumps and leaps and skips but definitely in a good way.

"I would like that," you finally reply after what seemed like decades, and it brings a smile on Jihoon's face.

"I'll........ text you then," he grabs his things from your desk and puts them back in his bag. You watch him leave, not knowing what to say. It was amusing how things took an unexpected turn today. You just got yourself a date with the Lee Jihoon. You should be squealing all night until someone knocked some sense into you.

Outside your door, Jihoon has a hand on his chest. What was with his heart when it's around you? Why did it seem to run a marathon on it's own? Nevertheless, he couldn't help the smile on his face.

[auspicioustidings]

JUST READ SAVAGE AND IT REALLY DID SOMETHING TO ME OH MY GOD. 🫣🫣

I love all your writing but this!! THIS!! This touched some weird part in my brain I didn't know existed.

I'm sorry if I'm just mindlessly mumbling here but I really don't know how to praise something normally. I just have so many emotions about this piece?? Regular words won't cut it, they can't describe how I feel.

Gotta go to sleep fantasizing about possible plot's and continuations........ Because here's so much potential!! I love medieval settings because of angst and drama opportunities and this one is just absolutely perfect!! All trauma and uncertainty reader would have to experience because of Soap's and Ghost's behaviors is just sooo tasty!! 5 Michelin stars dish right here. 🫶🏻🫶🏻

Just thanks for writing it!! It really made my night.

AHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH! I know I keep saying it, but heavy smut is truly not my wheelhouse, so posting this was a nerve-wracking experience.

I don't think I'll ever write a full continuation, but happy to bounce off of ideas if y'all have any :)

Luckily me and Noel were discussing what we think would happen after, so I've summarised those ideas below the cut!

CW: non-con

Think what would happen is Simon gets you back, is violent in punishing you then turns gentle and loving to brainwash you into adoring him (much like Johnny just did). Curiously though he also keeps you near the border not very well guarded instead of moving you further in country. Cue these two men who hate each other stealing you for the other, punishing you for being with them and then moving onto making you fall in love with them. It's confusing, it's awful, they are trying to one up one another by leaving permanent marks (Johnny bites you so hard it scars) or putting permanent jewellery on you (Simon is watching the necklace and bracelets get permanently connected by the smith and is getting hard just thinking about how the fucking animal up North will react seeing that).

They both say mean, degrading shit to you as if you are the one always going to the other man and speading your legs and not being kidnapped and forced. Simon out of the two is scarier in his threats, tells you (this bit is fully Noel and it made me see stars):

"Maybe I ought to just throw you back to that MacTavish, like the filth that you are." Fucking spits out the name like it's a curse alone, never losing his brutal rhythm pounding into you. "Fuckin' tart, I can feel you getting tighter just mentioning that bastard rogue. Don't you forget, you belong to me."

Things change when you are crossing the border one day. This game has been going on so long that sometimes they just let you go yourself. You run into a small unit of soldiers from France and they take you. Johnny and Simon both think you are with the other, so it isn't until Johnny shows up pounding on Simon's door because he wants you back and he's hidden you too well that they realise neither has seen you for a month.

They rescue you of course but you are so broken (when they find you, you are so happy to see them and they realise you think that you are dying and this is a vision) that both of them abandon their posts and whisk you off to a peaceful country somewhere to heal. They don't have one mean word to say to you, they're never violent with how they touch you.

Your little home they build is filled with kids soon enough and it's this lovely, soft life. Then the kids are all sent off to boarding school and they revert back to the good old days of fucking you into the dirt and then sending you back to the other to see what creative ways they can be rougher <3

[inactivewattpadauthor]

Johnny Cage x Writer Reader: Basically What The Author Going Through

Warning: Venting. Title is self explanatory ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your eye twitched as you hear the front door to the studio open and close. Just another noise is needed to distract you. Again! Fucking frustrating.

"Baby, I'm home!" Johnny calls happily for you, grunting as he drops his duffle bag aside, filled with his props or outfits or guns, or wherever the fuck job he came from today.

You didn't call back. Grumbling as you forced yourself to lock in on the page before you. You were about to pull out your hair. Nothing has came to your mind for the past hours... days.... WEEKS!

Only one draft is needed nearly one day a week. So why are you always scarce?

Footsteps thumped to your little office den. "Oh, don't tell me you're still nesting here." Johnny enters and frowns as he was very much told silently.

The death look you gave him just checking up on you.

"Y/n, you're still trying to think of what to write for your paper-"

"You don't get it, you pretty boy bastard!" You hissed.

"Easy, easy." The actor held his hands up in pacifist. "Okay, if it's this bad, why don't you just... step down for a bit. This was an off and on thing for you, right?"

"Okay, yes! It is an on and off hobby for me. But I start caring too much. I don't want to stop, at the same time, I can't keep up. And if I can't keep up, I'll have to redo it all over again."

You pace around the room and speak so fast for him. The concerned blind guy only just follows you with his eyes. Looking at you like the weird hysterical young woman you are.

"It's not like I can force myself to just write ANYTHING. I'm too bougie to be posting dog shit plots. It gets obvious." You add on.

"Okay, are your emails open for your readers? Maybe they can help-"

"𝐍 𝐎."

"Okay, got it." Cage cleared his throat and looked away.

"I already feel pressured since I don't feel that motivated. I don't need more pressure being added onto me like that. I don't miss that feeling."

You stop to breath before furrowing your eyes.

"My emails are always opened to my beloved readers. I like hearing what they have to say and think of my work. But I know the second I decide to take requests, I'm going to be the next Cory."

"Who?" Johnny raises an eyebrow.

"Okay, okay!" You held your face in your  hands and took deep, deep breaths. Finally, you'll stop talking very fast and crazy.

"I... I don't want to stop posting stories. But... without any passion to write... and how I can't think of what to write. I don't think it's possible anymore. I keep telling and telling that I'm running low on pages, that writer's block is itching me, I still force myself to keep up the every six days expectation. And I end up having to post something I feel is crappy or too overused."

You stopped there not knowing what else to say. But it felt some sort of good on your part.

Johnny got to speak. "Look, Y/n. I get what you're saying. And it's okay if you end up slowing down. You'll get back to it whenever your mind is ready. But you can't be too harsh with yourself because that's what makes the fun turn into some nasty prison cell, whatever."

He pats your shoulders reassuringly.

"There's so many other important things you have to do in life. So, who cares if you post a day late. Or two. Or a month. Or maybe even a year and a half. It's your call. Tell all those self expectations to fuck off!" He half jokes and holds a middle finger up with the exclaim.

"Right." You smile.

Wow that feels so much better our chest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank you :') I wish my creativity didn't go down otherwise I would try harder.

It's like the only time I get motivated is if I'm feeling freaky and decide to write about Fujin, and thats an example of overused. Ik some of yall like it, but I try to post different characters.

[elviraaxen]

ive really been loving the pacing of your story and i enjoy the concept and the bits that have been released about the plot! youre doing really well, and i admire it greatly!!

ive been having trouble figuring out an overall plot in my own work, i just have character ideas and the vaguest idea for a storyline. i try to just write but then i usually end up taking a break (re: dumping it) because i don't have anymore ideas for how to complete the plot. i've laso been curious about how you go about writing for a comic (do you write then do thumbnails? do thumbnails then go back to figure out dialogue? a third thing?) so i was wondering if you had any advice or resource tips for writing? both for comics and for overarching plots, if that's okay

if you don't have any ideas tho, no worries. i was just curious. good luck with Felt World! i love everything that's coming out so far, thank you for gifting us it!!

Oh thank you so much!! I can't say I'm a comic book artist at heart because I really don't have much experience, I was only an illustrator for a short while and never wrote anything myself, but learning from past mistakes (i.e. I don't stick to plans), I've so far done this and it seems to work:

I'm one of those that don't like to plan strict layouts for the entire thing, because chances are I will not stick to it, so what I've done for felt world is just write a sketch for the overarching plot, the b-plot and c-plot, with rough estimates in what order I want the major plot points and settings to be. My current sketch looks like this;

(which is done in Miro) and as you can see there aren't that many plot points, because I want to have the wiggle room to come up with something on the spot. And also, my comic focuses a lot on interpersonal relationships, character development, and themes rather than the plot, which means it needs to be concise or else the comic is gonna take 6 million years to finish.

And now,, I think this might just be how I work, but I think it's easier to be creative when you have strict restrictions rather than all the choices in the world.

for me, personally, I restrict an update of 10 pages tops, because instagram only allows max 10 images per post! This means I have to 1) fit all I want to say in 10 pages, 2) it has to be concise or else I infodump on readers, and 3) I have to answer some sort of question within the update, or else I said nothing and I start over.

As for scripts, I tend to write one or two sentences of what's going to happen for the update, and then I get to thumb-nailing and sketching right away! I come up with most of the dialogue on the spot too.

And also, I think what's most important, is that you take your damn time! If you aren't immersing yourself in your own world, how do you expect your readers to do the same?

I'm very much a believer that the stories you are telling are something that comes to you naturally if you just sit with it and listen rather than demand that it makes itself known to you. When I brainstorm for felt world I quite literally sit in my bed and go "omg!! And then what? :0" TO MYSELF LMAO as if I'm not making everything up myself! I think that's extremely important that your story is engaging to you first and foremost!

And as for more practical tips

carry a notebook with you or use your notes app AS SOON as you get ideas to write them down! No you will not remember, lol.

set rules of what you're not allowed to do with your story so that you don't fall into lazy trope territory! You can do that when you brain storm, but finesse the story post brainstorm to just make it.. smarter.. if that makes sens For example, don't kill your gay characters, don't make sensitive men the butt of the joke, don't make your women fight over men (unless it's the point), etc.

set physical restrictions! For example, max amount of pages per upload, max amount of pages for the whole story, max amount of characters, etc.! That literally forces you to problem solve, which by definition is creativity! Like, oh you can't do this the obvious way? Do it the creative way! That's way more fun!

I could probably go on, but this is too long already! But I hope it at least helped somewhat!

[nyoomerr]

Do you have any tips for finishing works and getting enough confidence to post them?

sure! just keep in mind that these are tips from my single perspective, and everyone's creative processes are different, etc etc all the usual disclaimers 🙈

↓��� all advice under the readmore cuz it got pretty lengthy ↓↓

for finishing works, you'll probably have to start by identifying why you don't feel like continuing a particular WIP.

is it a time/energy thing? make sure you're staying physically healthy (good food, keeping hydrated, moderate exercise) and that you aren't forcing yourself to sit down and write at the end of a long day when you've already spent all your mental energy elsewhere. this is one of the lamest points of advice on the whole list but i am being so serious about it.

is it a lack of inspiration? try talking about the fic with a friend, using prompt generators, or thinking back to what originally inspired the fic to begin with. if you started writing the fic for One Specific Scene, go write that scene, regardless of how far out you are from it chronologically! you can always revise or rewrite it later if it turns out that the in-between scenes change some of the context or flow.

is it that you're struggling to get a scene written just right? skip past it and come back later, maybe leaving just a quick one or two line summary of what you want to happen in that scene so you don't forget later. if you can't skip past it, then tell yourself "okay, i'm going to rewrite this later," before trying to write it - if you have already decided that this will not be your final draft, then it can help you feel less hesitant to put imperfect words down.

for gathering the confidence to post a work, it's a bit more tricky...

i think most people want to post things because they want to receive external validation on it... so so valid and relatable 🤝 BUT this motivation makes it hard to actually shut out the factors that can cause nerves (i.e., advice like "turn off comments if you're worried about receiving criticism" is useless, because then you also don't get the positive comments you likely wanted in the first place).

one strategy you could try is starting with a small audience first - just send it to a friend you know will be your hypeman. if you're feeling more bold, you can try sharing it with a discord server or group chat - essentially, narrowing the audience down to people that you know will be supportive of your work, no matter what.

if sharing the fic with your friends actually sounds like the Worst Case Scenario, then i'd instead recommend posting it to an anon collection! if you end up not being happy with the response to the fic, you can pretend it was never yours to begin with - there's no shame in using the anon tool as it was meant to be used. if you end up feeling really proud of the work after the nerves have passed, you can always de-anon it later to tie it back to you!

regardless of how or who you share it with though, my top recommendation is that you sit down and identify every little thing that you're proud of in your work before you post it. write these things out so you don't forget! the people who are going to read your work will not have the same tastes, experiences, and desires that you personally had when you sat down to write the fic to begin with. if they don't like parts of it, it does NOT mean those parts are bad - it just wasn't for them personally!

that can be hard to remember when you're getting feedback, though, which is why it's important to have those things that YOU like about your work written down so you can go take a look at them to remind yourself.

if you try posting a work and afterwards go "oh, that isn't for me, i'd rather just create for myself personally," then that's totally chill! what would be tragic is if you posted a work and then felt so shitty after the fact that it tainted your enjoyment of the creation process itself. that's why, no matter what, please remember that you wrote this fic for yourself, and hold on to the things that you like about it!!

anyway that got pretty rambly but TLDR: 1) figure out why you're having trouble finishing your WIP and tackle that reason instead of blindly pushing yourself forward 2) ease yourself into posting in whatever way is least intimidating for you, no need to jump straight to having an AO3 profile linked to your writing 3) no matter what, make sure you remember the things that you personally enjoy about what you made, and celebrate those things!

[overandundertarot]

How can you release this anger?

Recently, I've come to the realisation that I hold quite a lot of pent up anger without even knowing how to release it. I think this reading could be helpful to people who may be in a similar position, or just experiencing pent up emotions and are unsure how they could release this or start that process of transforming those emotions, if they want to.

Piles 1-4(left to right)

Pile 1

Cards; 6 of wands, Knight of swords.

Believe in yourself pile one! There is self doubt here, and pride brought about by trying to conceal insecurity. Act on your thoughts. A lot of this anger is towards yourself. I feel like you are perfectionists, and you dont like when you are not perfect according to your standards. Well, there's nothing you can do about that. You either have to develop yourself till you feel you're perfect enough( which will take quite a while and you may never reach your lofty aspirations for yourself) or take action now on whatever it is you want to do. I'm getting that it's not even related to the material world, but your personality or creative interests. You may feel like you are not the person that you should be, but instead of practicing any self development activities, you just spend alot of time having self deprecating thoughts. You may not be where you want to be, but that does not mean that you can never get there. Appreciate yourself for what you have and what you can do and allow yourself to indulge in your hobbies/ interests with less judgement.

Pile 2

Cards; The Sun, 2 of Swords, Page of Pentacles.

In any case pile 2, youre not supposed to be making a decison right now. Good things and opportunities are coming to you now but its overwhelming. I think that is where this anger is coming from, because you can't allow yourself to fully enjoy the present moment and be connected to your spirituality. So you are angered because you have a lot but it is still not enough. You have to force yourself to enjoy what you have right now pile 2, because all of the planning and deciding and moving forward is being used as a distraction. Of course, take this with a grain of salt and don't put your life on hold to try and attempt this. Start small, think about things in your daily life and what use they provide for you, do you appreciate them enough? Be in the present moment and appreciate what you have worked for. Some of you are also angered by the fact that you might not be able to find a direction in life. It will come in time; try to be connected with your desires and intentions so when the opportunity arises, you can make a decision that will trully make you happy.

Pile 3

Cards; The Emperor reversed, King of cups.

Your anger may stem from the fact that you may have never fit into society, particularly that you may have been too sensitive for other peoples tastes. Some of you may be a part of the lgbtq community as well. The way you express yourself garnered much criticism and you may care about issues that society doesn't like to face such as animal rights, environmentalism and child abuse. Emotional issues, childhood trauma. A lot of the people in this pile have heavily feminine energy, regardless of their gender. The way for pile 3 to release their anger would be to develop ways of managing their emotions. Unfortunately, the world is unlikely to change but we can find ways to regulate our emotions and work through our traumas so that we can be less affected by the harshness of society. Also, try to channel your anger and pain into creative pursuits such as writing, and even consuming more media concerning these issues that affect you. It may help you feel seen and understood.

Pile 4

Cards; The Tower reversed, Justice.

Pile 4 you have been resisting change for a while. By not allowing it to crumble, you have become a prisoner of the tower. Your anger is brought about by you not allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully. You're not letting go of something that happened in the past, or you're trying to keep a steady hold on your life right now, but it's failing. You can't control everything. To release this anger, accept what happened and move on. Take responsibility for your actions, what happened was a result of past actions and you can't change those. You either accept what happened, move on and try to create a better future for yourself, or stay in that tower and torment yourself forever. That sounded a bit dramatic but the messages coming through are quite firm, whatever happened you have to accept it and move on.

***

Thank you for participating in this Pick a Card reading!

I hope it gave you some insight for your situation. Please dont hesistate to give any feedback you may have regarding this reading!

[soracities]

writers block is killing me, mim. i haven't written anything since ages. but i really want to, i just don't have anything in mind. send help!!

Oh, dear anon....I may not be the best person to ask in this because I generally don't believe in writer's block to begin with; I have dealt with one for years but at the same time I don't see not writing as any more natural or normal a state than writing itself. Neither is "bad" or "good"; they're simply two different processes with different results, one of filling up (not writing) and one of emptying (writing). But because of this, it is, crucially, a cycle to me—like how you fill a cup then empty it again then fill it then empty it again. Sometimes the processes happen so subtly, or so closely together, that we don't notice their separate movements. But sometimes they aren't as synchronised as that. Sometimes there's a long period of filling up that, because of how extensive and deep it is, requires far more time than we would like.

Our imagination and creative impulses don't exist in a fixed, preordained state of On / Off—they are something active and responsive that needs to be nourished and replenished just like our bodies do with fresh and air and food. And sometimes being replenished looks like a passive rather than an active event. So maybe it will help to look at it as less of a "block" anon, and more a state of accumulation. Maybe you're percolating, brewing, marinating, collecting fragments and impressions of the world and shoring them up deep inside you. Maybe it's the time to touch life and be touched by it and allow it to change the landscape inside you, to renew the places you can write from when the time comes but simply live and experience the things that happen to you until that time comes. Maybe you are undergoing deep changes yourself and these need to be allowed to take shape a little more before you can use them as a foundation from which your writing begins.

I don't know if any of this will help and I'm sorry if it doesn't. But I do believe that in moments like this, the best thing you can is not to force yourself or your mind into a state it does not seem ready for at this time because you will only be met with more resistance and more frustration as a result (which will also only harden that resistance further). If you desperately need to write I would recommend a journal, but a journal with no expecations—errant thoughts, observations, things you saw and that made you happy (or sad or angry), a catalogue, really, of the sights and sounds and textures of your day. They don't need to be eloquent or polished (if anything I think it helps if you keep them as spontaneous as possible). The point is to make a habit of noticing the world around you and the experiences you have and also let you feel that you are capturing or expressing something as you write it all down. Alternatively you can also try a stream-of-consciousness exercise every day: write whatever comes to your mind, again without expectations, without hesitation or concern for form or content. I don't know if this will help, but it may ease the anxiety you feel around wanting to write and not being able to simply by providing you with the action in some form.

I hope you find something in here to see you through this, anon x

[fishnapple]

As a professional tarot reader, I imagine you got a busy life outside of that whether it's another job or social obligations. I like how you conduct yourself both on your blog and when making personal interpretation reports for others. How do you tend to manage yourself, schedule, and energy to make the creative-spiritual content that you do? You seem to genuinely enjoy what you are doing. 🥰 Do you have any general or practical advice for people thinking of starting out in becoming a reader for others? 🤔

Hi, thank you for such a lovely message💓🌰 (I feel like sending some chestnuts). Somehow the word "conduct" reminds me so much of Saturn, and then Saturn reminds me of chestnuts.

Your question took longer to reply to than I expected. As I wrote, I realised that this is quite a broad topic. If I were to write to my heart's content then it would turn into an essay, so I will try to keep it concise as much as possible 👀

A bit of context: I quit my corporate job that used to take up more than half the time of day. After being a corporate clown for 9 years, now I just live as a hermit and do freelance jobs. Maybe I will stay as a hermit for the next 9 years then begin another journey, who knows. I'm not that good at self management, but my life right now is pretty simple, so it's easier to manage. I will share some of my personal experiences and observations about time management, creativity and spirituality here:

Time

Routine: Doing readings at a certain time of the day. I just found out recently that I do divination reading best at night time, rather than during daytime. I keep a general timetable in my head so I can have a general idea of when to do something (and not following it).

Checklist: I also keep a checklist of tasks I need to complete on time (PACs, personal readings), the feeling of ticking off boxes can be pretty satisfying 😆.

Space out readings: For PACc, I only read one group/day to keep the energy and length balanced between each group (if I do all the groups in one go, later group's reading length will suffer). For personal readings, I do the opposite, I tend to read all the questions in one go, but won't read for more than one person in one day.

Productivity

Enjoyment: Are you doing readings for your own enjoyment or as a duty? Do you genuinely like the questions, the topics? Do you feel comfortable doing readings for certain topics, for certain people? I don't think divination can be something that you can force yourself to do, especially when reading for other people.

Motivation: What are you trying to achieve when doing readings? for fun, for practice, for gaining knowledge, for digging out people's deep dark secrets, for money or for other reasons? Being clear on what motivates you will give you a better direction.

Perseverance: I like how every time I ask Tarot about my path, I always got the 8 of pentacles. Routine practice is good, don't compare yourself with other people, keep your gaze on what you're doing.

Guilt & Fear: I have productivity guilt sitting in the dark corner, ready to nag and whip any time I dare to be idle. Thanks to this, I was actually able to do lots of things. Doing something creative is also a good way to relieve stress for me, so the more stressed I am, the more productive I become *quietly, begrudgingly mumbling a "thank you" to Saturn aspects*. Guilt and fear, sometimes, can be such great motivators, with the right dose of course. (on the topic of fear, I once asked my friend if they didn't have any fears at all, what are the things that they would do? My friend answered "nothing, If I didn't fear anything, I wouldn't do anything at all")

Creativity/ Energy

Creative energy pool: Not to be confused with general energy pool. I don't know if other people feel the same, but for me, creative energy has a definite allotment for each day. If I use up that energy for one creative activity then I can't do another creative activity in that same day. So cramming many creative activities in one day can be counter intuitive. Doing divination, in my opinion, can also be a form of creative act, as it's about translating the messages inside you into a visible form of communication. So be mindful of that aspect.

The cyclical nature of creative energy: Some people are able to maintain a constant flow of energy, but in my case, it can be sporadic, it waxes and wanes like the moon so if I ever find myself feeling uninspired, I will just leave it and do other things, because I know it will come back later. If you find a topic or a question unappealing, maybe leave it for a while, read other topics then come back to it later.

Energy level: This is about the general energy level. Each person will have a different peak time for doing something during the day. Find out about yours and ultilise it. The tone and quality of a reading will reflect your energy, doing a reading when you're tired or physically unwell will have a negative impact on both the reading and you, not to mention the receiver of that reading if you read for others.

Interaction with energies: Be aware of your interaction with other people's energy, reading for others is a two way connection. Having your moods and thoughts be influenced by other's energy is real. Some will energise you, others can leave a bad taste but don't let that discourage you.

In the end, the most helpful advice I can think of is take it easy, keep doing what you enjoy and keep it fun & meaningful (even the soul searching, deep introspection readings needn't to be all dark and heavy, facing your demons can be like those dark fantasy novels, but it can also be slice of life comedy, none is less meaningful than the other)

I hope this can be helpful somehow. Have a great weekend ahead. 🌼🎐

[gorgeouslypink]

"You're not lacking in self awareness, you're lacking in self love."

Sometimes I feel like it's really easy to fall into self hatred during your void journey. Obviously, when you have a goal that you really really want to achieve but keep failing on, it's easy to get frustrated and disappointed with yourself. And it gets even worse when you try to vent and you are just blamed for not trying, for not persisting long enough, for not focusing hard enough, etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying bloggers or the community is wrong for their tough love. Most of the time, they're spot on because a lot of people want to enter the void but don't acctually do anything except for maybe scrolling on tumblr and these people suffer from a severe lack of self awareness. And even with people who are actively trying, it's still the truth, but it's a really tough pill to swallow when you're already feeling down.

On a side note, this is why I feel like a lot of people find manifestation in general toxic. Because manifestation forces us to take accountability for everything in our lives and most people like to blame others. But we know that we are the creators of our realities and unfortunately, not entering the void is our fault. 

But back to what I was saying, I just want to tell you that I know you're trying and doing your best. I know the problem isn't self awareness. You know that you haven't entered the void, you know it's your fault, and you're taking the steps to enter the void but it sometimes takes a bit of practice and patience and within all your self awareness, I don't want you to fall into self hatred. I know it's frustrating but practice a bit of self love.

No one but you knows how hard you have it. No but you knows how hard you've been trying. And no one but you is going to be more happy when you do enter. So don't be mean to yourself when you're doing your best for you.

Recently, I watched this video on procastination and honestly , before I just blamed procastination on laziness and while that's still a reason, did you know the biggest reason is acctually wanting perfection and fear of failure?

Think about it. Whether it's doing your English paper or wanting to enter the void, the reason you probably procastinate on both is wanting perfection and fear of failure. For your English paper, you want to write the best paper and get a perfect grade but you feel like you lack the right words so you push it off until you are in a more creative writing mood and then you keep doing that until it's the night before the paper is due and you're basically just forced to write something. For the void, a lot of people procastinate on the void because they don't want to fail and they're waiting till they have the perfect void concept or they're waiting for a easy, guaranteed method. You're not procastinating because you're lazy or you're a horrible person who doesn't care about yourself, you're procastinating because you're afraid of failure, but sometimes you need to fail and keep failing till you succeed.

The reason I shared that about procastinstion is to say to not hate yourself just because you haven't entered the void. While it is your fault and you do need to take accountability, there were situations and you know exactly what happened. Maybe other people will dismiss your situation but you shouldn't do that to yourself too.

The thing about manifestation and reprogramming or meditating is that there are no failed efforts. If you listened to a subliminal, even for a bit, you still reprogrammed your mind a bit. Not enough to override your previous reprogramming but it's not like the subliminal's reprogramming had no effect. Or like failed meditation attempts. Yeah, you failed but you did practice meditating and it's going to get more accustomed with focusing and tap into deeper levels of meditation next time.

So appreciate yourself for whatever work you did. Don't hate yourself. You've been doing good, but now just pull yourself together, really examine your situation and what you've learned and make a plan, stick to it, and enter the void!! Take a break if you need to, but you know best where you're at what right now and what you should probably be doing moving forward. If you feel like you doubt the void, read My Doubts post. If you feel like you have certain blockages but can't figure out what, do this EFT tapping video. If you want to manifest through meditation, try this video. If meditation isn't really your thing, try this reprogramming exercise. If you want to try a method you can do just before sleeping, look into my answer for this ask. Maybe you're just really overwhelmed and just want to listen to a subliminal. Maybe you would benefit from doing a challenge ( i recommend 3dolc×roe). Maybe states is the way for you, just know youre already someone who wakes up in the void and occupy that state. Go through my page or any void bloggers pages (if you're more into manifestation, i recommend @charmedreincarnation. i feel like she gives out the best advice), figure out what's going on with you and what you need to do and do it. I believe in you! 💗

[bettsfic]

Hi Betts,

I recently listened to an interview with an author that said “when they decided to get really serious about writing and their dreams they made a ten year plan.” So me being the planner that I am, said maybe I should do it too, especially since this writer is pretty successful. Have I made a decent enough plan? No, because being real about your dreams and committing is scary af.

But I have developed this thinking that each story I have to work on has to be “publishable” and if I can’t immediately envision its success I need to push it away. For some people this is fine. For me, I’m pushing aside every idea and am constantly writing for an invisible audience. Which has its pros and cons.

I want to become efficient so that I can be a good author. One who meets deadlines and puts out work they are proud of. But I’m wondering if it’s even possible to try to work to be an author and still create work that is fun and true to you? If a decision isn’t meaningful I won’t include it in my outline. It feels like the only time writing can be fun is when I was young and had no clue about market and rules and just assumed my dreams would come true.

you know, what i keep finding over and over again is that i was right about a great many things before i had any idea what i was doing. i just didn't know why i was right, i had no context or evidence for my rightness. granted, i was arrogant, but arrogance isn't wrong; it's just uninformed. when you inform arrogance, it becomes confidence. you become informed by getting a lot of feedback on your work and giving feedback on work; having your work accepted once or twice and accepting someone else's work; having your work rejected hundreds of times and being the one to reject. maybe you've done all those things already, in which case you're firmly on your path and there's not much you have to do besides keep going.

i definitely relate to what you're saying, though. i would be lying if i said i wasn't just days ago in a phase of berating myself for my failures and wishing i could work harder and more efficiently. i've cultivated some confidence about my work, but there are some ways in which i'm too arrogant and others in which i'm too humble. i have a long way to go still in informing myself about my work and the process of making it.

you'll be in positions where you have to make creative concessions for the sake of publishing, but don't make them before you get anything on the page. listen to your own ideals and make those ideals happen in your work. a year ago, i finished a novel that was my favorite thing i'd ever made, and i was so proud of it, but i knew it wasn't publishable in the state it was in. even though i'd worked a year on it, it was still an early draft and bore the marks of an early draft, but i couldn't see that because i'd never taken any project further than that one. i'd never felt closer to a project or more intensely toward it. and when i was done, i went through six months grieving it, in a sense, because i knew i'd have to rewrite it. i had to kill the thing that it was in order for it to become what it needed to be. i came to accept that, and the next six months sat on the frustration of not knowing what direction to take it, but having the wisdom to know i couldn't rush it or force it.

and then the fix came to me all at once. the fix involves getting rid of many things that were once dear to me. not even darlings, but entire themes i felt were meaningful, that were the very things i want to share and explore in my work. i don't feel so bad about giving those things up now. what i take out will be put into something else eventually, and what i keep will stand out more starkly. the new parts i write will fit better and serve the story itself, even if it's no longer the story i originally intended to tell.

when you're drafting, your work is in a private conversation with yourself; it's about you even if it isn't. but it can't stay about you. eventually it has to stand on its own. and you might think, well why can't i just write something that stands on its own to begin with? but if you do that, writing is just work, it's business, and it may be more efficient but it's also less meaningful. there's no such thing as efficient creativity. it takes as long as it takes, and if you force yourself on a ten year timeline you might as well focus that energy on something more lucrative and within your control. there's so much about writing that's just chance and discovery and failure and faith.

so i think you should go back to assuming your dreams will come true and not thinking too much about anything except the work itself until you get to the point where you have to. and it will hurt. it may hurt more than anything hurt you've ever put yourself through. but trust you'll get to where you're going, even if it takes longer than you intended.