#i don't know ! i don't know why ! is it autism ! is it arfid ! is it something else ! is it just arbitrary tastes !

[fragglerockopinions]

.

[gender-euphowrya]

it's really baffling to me that when i tell people i don't eat veggies they're like "THEN WHAT DO YOU EAT" like. do you not know about the other food groups. have you exclusively been eating carrots and leaves like a bugs bunny

[knifewieldingenby]

If I have to read one more "I hate picky eaters, they have the taste palette of a 5-year-old" post, I WILL actually start killing people. You don't want to be around "picky eaters?" Fine, then get the fuck away from us. We're better off without your judgment.

"But wahhhh why won't they just try something new" Shut. Up. Look up how things like adhd, autism, depression, and many more affect eating. Look up food allergies, intolerances, and general sensitivities. FUCKING LOOK UP ARFID. Seriously I am so damn tired of people not knowing shit about arfid, refusing to research even when I tell them about it (most of my doctors don't even know anything about it even though they've known about my struggles for over two years!) And then you have the nerve to shame us for dealing with an eating disorder that is fuck all hard to work through cuz, again, no one knows fucking shit about it and they don't want to learn! My therapist reached out to an eating disorder clinic to find help for me, and the only goddamn one who even knew it existed was the director.

Stay the hell away from so-called "picky eaters" if you're gonna make post after post complaining about how annoying you find us, or how you just so badly want to go to restaurants with your friend but they eat like a child! Go alone, asshole.

[sickness-stricken]

Casual warning that if you rant about people who are picky eaters but then get mad at anyone who brings up ARFID I'm pissing on your toothbrush

"But I'm not talking about you guys!!!" You're literally ranting about picky eaters. ARFID is the picky eater disorder. Yes you are.

And sidenote, almost nobody gives a fuck about people with ARFID because as far as they know we don't even exist. I've told my family numerous fucking times about why I eat the way I do and how it's almost certainly linked to the autism diagnosis I got in middle school and they still don't get it. I've been buying my own meals since I was 14. I can't go to gatherings including meals without fully expecting to get ridiculed and mocked by at least one person, whether that's because I didn't take enough food or I didn't clear my plate. It's exhausting.

[kirasworldofwords]

I don't think I ever really introduced myself here so here goes!

First of all, hi! My name is Kira, but you may call me Kiki if you'd like. On AO3, I'm known as "chiquita_chequito", I'm often there just lingering and reading or writing, lol. I'm 22 years old, German with Polish roots and live in a small German town where nothing ever really happens, lol. I have many interests, like certain anime and F1 (especially that as of late) and consider myself a decent writer at least. You're free to quote and/or correct me on that though, lol.

A few random facts about me:

✨️ I'm neurodivergent! I have OCD, ADD and Autism paired with hyperesthesia and ARFID (I know, I know... I should pick a struggle, but alas).

✨️ I also happen to be queer - bisexual as well as somewhere on the aro-ace gradient plus bigender, to be exact. My pronouns are they/she, meaning I prefer "they/them" but am also okay with "she/her". Anything but "he/him" and "it/its".

✨️ My hyperfixation has been cars (as in the vehicles, not the movie) ever since I was a baby. After my first two words, "Mama" and "No", my third word was "Car" in German - the fourth was "Skodda", as per my mom's telling. Surprise surprise, I still love Škodas. 😂

✨️ I play in a sort of marching band that we call Schalmeienzug, there's no direct translation though. It's really fun! Been there for five years now and still love it. 🫶🏻

✨️ Don't ask me how or why but for whatever reason, I can get any song I want stuck in someone else's brain. It works every damn time with just about anyone and yes, I am quite shameless about it. If I have to suffer through having Spongebob music stuck in my brain, then so do you. I have spoken.

✨️ My sense of humor is... skewed at best, fucking dark at worst. That's it. I refuse to elaborate.

✨️ In my free time, I also study Finnish. Thanks, Käärijä, lmao.

✨️ And yes, I love Eurovision. As a queer European girlie, that's a must, lol.

✨️ Regarding F1, my favorite drivers of the current grid are Oscar Piastri, Daniel Ricciardo (noooo, I don't have a thing for Aussies, wdym [also RIP, I am not okay, even if he's not a driver anymore, I will always love him]), Nico Hülkenberg and Sergio "Checo" Pérez (Christian Horner, when I catch you). Of the old grid I still somewhat remember (I've been watching F1 since childhood days), my favorites used to be Sebastian Vettel, Kimi Räikkönen and the Nicobergs - aka Nico Rosberg and Nico Hülkenberg. My heart has a special place reserved for Michael Schumacher, though, and it's shaped specifically like his stature. ❤️

✨️ I swear a lot. Like, a lot. I'm not kidding. So... proceed with caution if you're sensitive to that.

✨️ My free time is mainly spent playing video games - I don't have many friends and those I do have don't always have time for me so this is what I revert back to if I don't have somewhere else to be like a performance, lol.

✨️ I drive a black Opel Corsa ecoflex from 2016 and it is my pride and joy. 🫶🏻 Already jokingly told my mom that, if she wants grandkids, she already has one. My car. 😭

✨️ Last but not least, my writing style is quite distinct in the way that I usually write melancholic, if not downright depressing stuff. I guess it's a reflection of my life thus far - again, I will not elaborate.

That should be it from my side for now. If anything else comes into my messy little pea-sized brain, I shall let you know through editing this post - or just completely rewriting it, lmao.

Which means, for now, have a nice one and don't let the bedbugs bite!

- 🍸

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Misdiagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenia for almost a decade. I'm Autistic. And I'm not functioning.

*TW Eating disorder, su*cide ideation, Abuse*

I don't know what to do anymore. Life has been just absolutely shit. For all these years I was misdiagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. I've been treated as such by everyone. Used, manipulated, emotionally and physically abused, sexually assaulted, raped.. I've had to deal with constant state of almost homelessness, dismissal by family and doctors, pumped full of psych meds I never needed. I've been on seroquel for almost a decade now. At such a high dose, at one point higher than the max dose. Along with all the other meds that didn't work. Because I have Autism with severe OCD. The moment it was confirmed by my new psychiatrist, it's like the lens changed and when I refocused my eyes the world was different. People were different. I'm different. I scoured the internet looking for answers. For people like me. Reddit has been my biggest help in learning about myself. But in learning about myself, I've learned all the things about me that are totally "socially unacceptable". It's like flashbacks all the time of things I did in the past and it fills me with such anxiety and sadness. I've always known I'm different. I just didn't know how different. I didn't understand why I couldn't function. Why I pee my pants, why I can't make phone calls, why I am so naive and trusting. Everyone is my "best friend". I could never hold down a normal job. I failed at being a sex worker. I literally am at the point in my life where I have absolutely nothing. Most of my stuff is in storage. My whole family is blocked. My best friend of 10 years stopped being my friend over a man. I'm so weak and sick from ARFID and whatever autoimmune disease I have that we can't figure out. I can't work, eat, take care of myself at this point. I'm at the point where I'm just thinking "I'm not meant for this world". I need alot of help. I need stability. I need structure. I need help. I'm dying because I can't do this on my own. I've never had a parent. I never had someone teach me things. I'm almost 29 and I'm literally a child in an aging, sick body. With no one left. This is my last home before officially being homeless. And I'm fucking it up. I'm so close to it. Just ending it.

[smileymoth]

Johnny 9, 17 and 28

JOHNNY THE MISTAKE FROM GOD who i havent looked at for years . i haven't thought about him for so long i wonder how he's doing, i actually cant imagine what he would be doing right now. he's like my age. maybe he went to study like. car mechanics in trade school. yeah that fits him. i still think he has like no friends irl beside Ivar. Ivar also has no friends bc he's autistic. Ivar probably didn't even go to uni he just went to work at a factory. like Wendre or some shit. he and Johnny both went to Koidula. or whatever the name for that school would be in the universe. bc Gabriels siblings go there !!!!!! THEY'RE OUR AGE or they're still stuck in that fuckass town till this day. lmao. They both hate how much that city keeps changing every summer now.

I'll answer for both Ivar and Johnny bc they're like a package deal yk. Kinda like us but so much worse bc they actually don't talk to other people and they have like 5 million more issues than we do. Johnny would try to get girls from like tinder but he doesn't click with any of them. Ivar simply doesn't care for dating??? There's no point in it for him. Johnny wants something out of life but he doesn't know what. He's just lost and fixing peoples cars now i guess. he rents an apartment. Ivar still lives with his parents. theyre ok w it :) they rather him gather money for an apartment instead of renting.

9. favorite food? least favorite? are they a picky eater? do they have any dietary restrictions? if he could he would only eat noodles for the rest of his life. so that's his favourite. i think he would HATE any vegan meals. it's not a real meal to him if there's no meat in it. i think he is very much a picky eater. anything that looks off by like 1mm he will not touch. generally distrustful toward food. hence why he probably starved in middle school bc that canteen was NOT serving good food let me tell you

Ivar probably has ARFID so he has some safe foods and that's about it. Maybe potatoes. In any form. He doesn't care much for meat. He doesn't like the taste. He's just not a fan of food to begin with. Most food disgusts him. He loves gummy candies tho.

17. how did they spend their summers/free time as a child? alone. at Ivar's place. either outside or playing video games on the computer. His only friend was Ivar so yeah. Ivar mostly was inside or doing like odd jobs in the summer. Johnny I guess is the same. He wants money. I don't know what jobs kids work during summer I literally only worked once and it was at a hotel to get money for a cd player T_T

yeah their summers and lives in general arent too eventful. beside when johnny gets stabbed or into fights i guess but

28. how do they show that they care about someone? how do they express that they don't like someone?

Johnny just talks to you. If he likes you he talks to you. He will bring you random gifts. like Rocks or some shit. Sth reminds him of you and he brings it to you. Well, to Ivar. He doesn't like anyone else. If he tells you anything slightly personal he cares about you. He does have some online friends and he just sends them memes and plays games with them. He's cares deeply but he just sucks at showing it. He would yell at people who were mean or weird to Ivar in school bc of his autism. He will stand up for you if he really likes you. Honestly I feel like he's also neurodivergent but like on the other end of the spectrum. Thats why they click so good i guess. LMAO. If Johnny doesn't like someone he's incredibly snappy toward that person. He will ignore them but just being in their vicinity will drive him up the wall so anything they say can result in him telling them to shut up. His temper is SO short its unreal.

Ivar is very shut off in general so what he thinks of people will always be a mystery to many. he will i guess jut ignore you if he doesnt like you?????? kind of off topic but i think like. doing group projects w him would be pretty good because he WILL do his part quickly, he just doesn't want to talk too much, so if you give him exactly what he has to do he will. Anyway. He will send his friends pics he takes. And memes. ofc. :)

Ithink Johnny and Lauri (Gabriels brother) fucking hate each other for no aparent reason i just think its funny. Lauri also thinks Ivar is fucking weird. Oh theres the reason lmao he was mean to Ivar once. Laura (Gabriels younger sister) tries to get close to Ivar but hes soooo not interested. they do become deskmates in some classes i think. She would be nice to him :)

[dimonds456-art]

vent art below the cut, as well as an explanation for it. it's a mess on purpose. read the tags.

Starting off positive, here's how I draw myself now :) Style improvement! And my mustache hairs are growing in and one of them is over a centimeter long and it's my pride and joy.

okay now onto everything else. fucking help me. /ns

Gonna start with the butterfly imagery, since it's a reoccurring theme when I talk about my disabilities. The butterfly is because of my Graves Disease, which is a subgenre of hyperthyroidism. What's that? Uh basically there's a gland in your throat called the "thyroid" that's shaped like a butterfly, and it's responsible for your ENTIRE METABOLISM, and mine decided to do cocaine one day and never stopped. This results in increased heartrate, shaky hands, dizziness, and an eye disease where your eyes swell and can make you go blind if not treated.

(and no mine is not currently being treated so. :) )

I've had Graves since middle school, and I will for life. For reference of how bad it got before I got treated after 6 months of suffering, if I ran around outside for 5 minutes my heart rate could get up to 220 BPM. Which can kill you. Somehow I only ever saw stars once.

The next imagery I wanna point out is the layers on me. I show some things as brighter, and there's two layers like that- a bright one and a much dimmer one, which is why I kept this a sketch. The bright one is the surface-level disabilities, such as joint weakness, my eye disease, and my swollen thyroid. The dimmer one is my brain and skeleton. I have never actually broken my bones, but for some reason these days, joint weakness has me and they'll just fucking stop working sometimes for no goddamn reason.

The diamonds on my shirt is obviously a reference to my name, "Dimonds456." The design was actually made by my abuser, and so I actually am starting to have some second thoughts about using this particular design despite how much I love it, thus the shattered idea. Plus, diamonds don't break- they shatter. I'm about to shatter, too, so it's just like me fr.

After that, the text all around me. There are three layers. Let's talk about the black ones first. Those are all my disabilities. That's it. To make it easier to read, they're:

Autism

Anxiety

PTSD

Mental regression (probably because of all the other mental shit I'm dealing with)

Depression

ADHD

Weakness in joints

Inhaler as needed

Tires easily

Abuse

Graves Disease

On meds for life (methimazole literally keeps me alive)

Eye disease

Prone to falling

Eating disorder: ARFID ?????

Asthma

Audio processing disorder

Trauma

:,)

Then, the blue layer. The blue and red layers and kinda having a conversation with each other, with blue being my inner monologue and the red ones being still that, but more intrusive and hopeless. The blue thoughts range from "I can't do this" to "I want to," to "Wait, this is too much" to "STOP" to "THIS IS TOO MUCH" and various stuff like that.

The red texts are much, much more negative. "Running out of time." Never safe. I will never feel safe." "My own body wants me DEAD." "NEVER SAFE." "WHAT IS SAFETY?!" these are my intrusive thoughts, and... yeah. My anxiety and trauma already make me feel like I can never be safe in the spaces I'm in, so when I do actually feel safe with the people or location I'm in, my body's there to remind me that no, I'm not. Because I could literally just die at any goddamn moment.

Which brings me to the scythe. The Reaper. He's close. I'm running out of time. To do what? I don't know, live? Impact people? Fucking exist?

The clock shows that, too.

Finally, the dialogue bubbles. The straw that broke the camel's back in terms of me making this art. My recent doctor visit. I'm trans. I'm a demiboy who just wants to figure out what my fucking gender is. I know I want top surgery, but the dr says I HAVE to start HRT in order to get the surgery I want, which is enbyphobic. I've talked about it with other trans people, and we all agree what the dr told me was fucked.

The other bubbles are other things people have said to me. Particularly, I wanna talk about the "are you ACTUALLY disabled?" one because so so so so so many people have fucking asked me that and I want to scream. Like gee, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm normal. Maybe my graves disease was all a FUCKING DREAM. The eating disorder I'm getting now that not even the doctors are sure what the fuck it is wasn't real, I'm just a picky eater and I am just a fucking attention-seeking masochist. SURE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Shut the fuck up.

The butterfly is actively choking me. I'm loosing weight. I've felt more anxious recently than I ever have in my fucking life. I have a goddamn eating disorder where I physically CANNOT EAT. It sounds like ARFID but it's also not quite that, I'm in a weird grey area.

i'm 20 years old.

Ever since I got diagnosed with Graves in middle school, I've felt like my existence was defying something. Like I was supposed to die. I also had intense depression at the time, so that definitely added to it, but yeah. Then more happened. I had my first fall. I got put on the wrong dosage and nearly got killed. Struggled to breathe. My eyes tear up more often due to the disease, and I have an aversion to light I didn't have before. The eating disorder. Not to mention my bad knee, weakness in joints, pain in hips, ect.

It just keeps piling up. More, and more, and more, and more disabilities appear and try to catch me by surprise. I got deathly ill last winter. I quit college this year because of the trauma of being outside while on my wrong dosage from last summer. But this time, I'm fucking freezing when I'm anywhere except in the sun, which still makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable, because of whatever the fuck is happening with my eating disorder.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm running out of time. I can't handle another disability. I just can't. If I wind up getting appendicitis or something I'm running back home to my parents and staying there because at least they make me feel SAFE.

I'm not safe. I will never be safe inside this body. I will never feel safe because of my anxiety and trauma. I'm reaching a boiling point where it's starting to spill over onto those around me and I hate it. I am aware that this post is not helping that at all. But... I just don't wanna suffer in silence anymore. I'm tired. I want to be a good memory, but I fear my time is coming and I don't have much more "memory" to make.

I want to be wrong. Please, stars, let me be wrong. Let this all be in my head. Let this all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Please. Please let me wake up and realize that this was all a fucking nightmare.

I can't look at this screen anymore. My eyes hurt and my wrists are starting to give out.

[nonspeakingkiku]

hi kiku! how are you doing? i don't really know what to say but i saw your inbox was empty so here's an ask :]

is there anything you've been wanting to talk about but just haven't had the opportunity to? any stories you've been wanting to tell? there's nothing in particular i'd like to ask about so i figured i'd just open up an opportunity to talk about anything you like :D

Kiku thought Kiku answered this way before now but Kiku will talk about Kiku's new OC/sona Puzzle. ☺️

Puzzle is a holland lop red fox hybrid. Kiku is working on a drawing of fae right now. ☺️

About Puzzle

Age: Adult (but fae has age dysphoria due to their autism and trauma and fae doesn't really feel like an adult, even though they are physically an adult)

Gender: Genderqueer/fluid, autigender, trans masc

Pronouns: Fae/Faer primarily, He/They/It auxiliary. Interested in canine and lapine themed neopronouns.

Orientation: Queer, aroace spec, nebula romantic.

Conditions: EDS, nonverbal autism, dyspraxia/apraxia, chronic migraines, learning disabilities, adhd, POTS, Fibromyalgia, and more Kiku can't think of right now.

Disability aids: Puzzle is a forearm crutch, walker, and wheelchair user as well as an AAC user. Fae also uses things like ear defenders/ear plugs, chewelry, and other sensory aids as well as visual schedules and other visual supports.

Fae is an omnivour although their diet is limited due to arfid/sensory issues. Faer parents were very confused when their bunny child started eating chicken and fish once older (Puzzle mostly drank shakes like pediasure for a while because they couldn't handle the textures of most foods). Although considering Puzzles family was primarily canines they weren't exactly sure how to handle a bunny in the first place.

Puzzle is trans and chose faer name faerself. Fae chose it because fae loves puzzles and before fae learned about faer autism he felt like he was missing a piece of the puzzle to why he was the way he was.

Puzzle never talked much unless they had to, and mostly they just struggled through and avoided people where they could because their disabilities went unnoticed and they would be forced to speak, eventhough the people enevitably got upset because they couldn't understand Puzzles mouth words. Puzzle started using AAC informally during highschool (mostly texting and writing things down with people who accepted that) and spent much of their time alone to avoid using mouth words. Eventually as an adult he got access to robust AAC.

[hundredsspoons]

Personal vent post//

I'm just so frustrated rn because it's a constant battle with my body to stay awake and do literally anything productive. Like today, I woke up at 8am ish, went back to sleep around 9am, woke up again at around 11am, went back to sleep around 3pm, woke up at 5pm and now I'm desperately trying to hang on until at least 10 before going to sleep for the night. So I slept about 12 hours.

I'm autistic and have food sensory problems, so I have problems getting nutrition. I'm anemic because of it, and that's presumably why I'm always so tired. Problem is that no nutritionist has given me advice for someone with a disgust for most foods, and the nearest program for ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) is like 100 miles away. Every time I try to talk to a doctor about it, it just leads nowhere. I tried iron supplements and iron infusions, but I had a minor allergic reaction to the infusion and freaked out like an idiot baby. So I haven't tried again.

My mental health reached a new low a few months back when I was particularly stressed about finishing my masters program. Was genuinely suicidal in a way I haven't been in a long time. Had to go home early and am doing the rest of my thesis from home. Had to take another extension. No job. Missed the application deadlines for phd programs for next year. Living like a parasite off my mother at 28.

Got a therapist, but every session feels like I'm trying to convince him that I'm not just lazy, that there's something wrong and it isn't something I can fix so easily. He keeps pushing exercise, and I know that he's probably right about it, I do know that, but I just came off a medication that was making me pass out in public places, plus I still pass out if I exercise and haven't eaten enough, and it makes me nervous about exercise. He like doesn't believe that I pass out. Or like he tells me to brush it off. Like he recommended going to a gym, and I said I don't want to pass out at a gym, and he said gyms are safe places to pass out?? And that an ambulance will be called?? Like those are expensive. And it's embarrassing to pass out at a gym. Part of me thinks I need some tough love. I know I get mopey. I know I'm stuck feeling miserable about myself and that nothing will get better if I don't change. So I'm not sure if he's just saying stuff I don't WANT to hear, you know? But like, the first meeting with him he asked if I could see a future off of prozac. And like?? I was just contemplating killing myself, is now the time to be focused on that?? Am I insane??

I'm racking up quite the count of illnesses that, of course, have no tests to prove their existence. I go through blood tests etc. and in the end the doctor just diagnoses me with the illness you have if you don't have the other illnesses. POTS, IBS, ARFID, a hormonal response to birth control, autism, depression, anxiety. No one takes any of these things seriously, because even the doctors don't take it seriously when they diagnose them. They just want you out of their office. I know my therapist thinks I'm a hypochondriac inventing problems when there are none. Well, I am a hypochondriac. I won't deny it. I have serious medical anxiety. But is it so wrong to want an answer, a real definitive answer, to why you're like this? My therapist keeps telling me ways to create energy like exercise and cold showers. But I guess the problem is that I wish it weren't so hard. I wish my brain and my body worked right. I wish I could stay awake and not feel like death walking for a full day. I'm so mad about it, I don't feel like working productively towards a solution. Everyone thinks I'm a deadbeat and a failure, and I just. don't. know. if they're right or not?? Am I just lazy? Sleeping 12 hours isn't Normal. I spend like maybe an hour or two a day doing things I like. It's not like I'm having a grand ol' time?? It's not fun. But maybe I'm just so lazy that sleep is my favorite thing to do? I do love to sleep. Am I just supposed to live like this forever? Am I supposed to just accept that, if I want to accomplish anything, I'm going to have to feel like complete trash doing it?? This stinks. It stinks!!!

[cas-coding]

list of my stims and tics to show you you're not alone.

i probably pass for neurotypical in many environments i enter, and i realize the privilege that i have because of this, but that does not mean that i am neurotypical. i have been diagnosed with GAD, depression, OCD, gender dysphoria, ARFID, and am waiting on an autism diagnosis appt later this year.

my point of making this list is to help anyone feel less alone than they might have felt before. even if you can't see me stimming or ticcing, i am, and that means that anyone could be stimming or ticcing along with you and you might not notice. you are not alone.

but here's my current list of stims, tics, and echolalia <3

wiggling my toes, specifically trying to position the seam of my sock into a certain position

kicking my foot. i have a friend who makes fun of me for kicking her all the time, but she knows it's a tic and i can't help it and the teasing is all in good fun

adjusting how i'm sitting. this is a big one if i have a large temperature fluctuation!! (and i'm not talking like oh, i'm uncomfortable with how i'm sitting, i'll adjust type deal. i'm talking every two minutes im like swinging my knee over my shoulder to get a better position)

hitting my hip. this happens a lot when i am stressed, especially if it is due to my own mistake.

shaking out my hand. this is a calming action, typically one i do in loud environments or when i have to eat a food i don't feel comfortable eating. in severe cases, i shake both hands rather violently. (i once shook so hard i had to wear wrist brace for a week)

putting my hand in a fist and nodding it. as a child i was told this was sign language for yes, but i have no idea if that's accurate or not. i've had this stim since i was nine as a nonspeaking way of showing my extreme excitement for something.

twirling my hair, occasionally pulling it. i have curls and so while it looks like i'm just touching up some curls, it typically is a tic that happens when i am very uncomfortable.

scrunching up my face and shaking my head. this can range from looking like a cute anime sneeze to a straight up meltdown. this happens when i am trying to tell someone no and they do not listen to me.

chewing my fingernails and the skin around them. this is by far the worst stress reaction i have, but it's also become a grounding technique. i've done this ever since i was little to stop dissociating as the pain will typically pull me from that headspace.

squishing my stomach. this is associated with eating and feeling unhealthy.

repeating the phrase 'mish mish.' i saw it on a tumblr post about two months ago as a way someone was referring to misha and now i say it as a comfort phrase. if someone could tell me why i latched onto this specifically that would be great.

humming, but not a specific tune. i typically try to find the pitch of whatever is bothering me most (like if there's a tornado test siren) as a way to feel like i control that stimulus.

just making sounds. you all know the sounds i am talking about. thee sounds

but, by far, my biggest and most frequent tic is neck tensing. this one is borderline dangerous. first my neck tenses up and then my head will shake, just a little bit until i either a) manage to stop by some miracle or b) my neck grows so tense i get stuck in a little sideways tilt for about 30 minutes.

other general sensory issues i have:

clothing texture

overlapping noise

watching tv without subtitles. literally cannot do this

the texture of whatever i am standing on (i'm not kidding, i will literally only wear fuzzy socks bc of this)

body temperature

tastes and textures of foods

restraining or constricting physical touch (for example: hand on the shoulder? so chillin. hug? i think the fuck not)

END OF LIST

[lilac-read]

^This

So I only have one diagnosis (GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder). I am certain that I am on the autism spectrum, and I'm equally certain that I have ADHD. I'm also certain that I suffer from an eating disorder (ARFID).

Here's the thing. My state (like a number of others) doesn't offer much in the way of healthcare for neurodivergent people. Where I live, seeking a diagnosis basically means seeking a prescription. There's nothing wrong with taking needed medication to help your brain out. But *not everyone with ADHD needs pills*. I'm still able to function as a member of society (no matter how much I don't like it) on a regular basis. I have days where it's worse, but on the whole I don't see a need for medication in my case.

For that reason, I don't seek a diagnosis. But I'm someone who struggles a lot with communication and opening up. And one of the single most frustrating things is when I try to have a conversation about mental health, and my personal struggles, and I'm met with "then why don't you get diagnosed?" "if you're not diagnosed how do you know that that's what's going on with you?"

I know myself and I know my brain. And when I'm doing extensive research into behavioral psychology and different symptoms of these issues, and I'm looking at what DSM-5 criteria need to be met for a diagnosis, and I'm meeting *most or all of those criteria*, I have a right to suspect that a form of Autism, ADHD, and ARFID are things that I have to live with.

Because I don't want to be associated with people who fake illnesses in order to gain clout, I always always ALWAYS refer to my self as undiagnosed. But that doesn't mean I don't have issues that diagnosed people have.

It just means I don't want to spend thousands of dollars trying to find a doctor who will diagnose me without forcing medication on me when I can easily do research and find advice from people suffering from the same issues I am, and try to emulate what helps them cope with the challenges they face.

a while ago i attended this lecture on autism. guy in the audience said he had many of the symptoms that were presented and asked what should he do to get treatment and possibly a diagnosis. instead of answering his question the psychologist went on a tangent about how “the clinic reigns all powerful over guesswork”, and how actually it has become a trend amongst little children on the internet to claim that they are autistic for cool points, and that this hurts real autistic people. no she didn’t tell him how to get his symptoms looked into, she just made it very clear that to her, aknowledging your own symptoms is bad and evil and hurts the poor real mentally ill people.

an ex-friend of mine, then a psychology major and by now probably a full psychologist, once lectured me on how horrible and bad it was that i told her “i probably have some sort of neurodivergency”, and that if i were her patient she would never give me a diagnosis because “you aren’t like this now, but i know that if you get a diagnosis you’ll use it as an excuse to start treating people badly. that’s just how mentally ill people are.”

same ex-friend was extremely disgusted when she found out that fans sometimes make neurodivergency headcanons for characters that have the same symptoms as they do, and that authors sometimes write books with neurodivergent protagonists in stories that don’t focus on that (ex: she seemed horrified that percy jackson has adhd?)

multiple psychologists i’ve seen on facebook agree that they should refuse to treat patients that say “i’m here because i have symptoms of a disorder and wonder if i have it”, and that a patient should arrive to a psychologist as a blank slate.

school psychologist asked me how i was feeling about my trauma situation and i told him i thought my friends would leave me. instead of addressing the issue he said that that no i didn’t, that i was lying, that i had searched “bpd symptoms” online and now i was faking symptoms because i wanted to have bpd, that he shouldn’t have told me he suspected i had a personality disorder because now look what was happening. no, i didn’t search bpd symptoms online. yes, my friends left me, it was a completely founded belief and not a symptom, let alone a faked symptom.

so the next time you hear someone saying they’re “anti self-diagnosis” i want you to understand what they’re saying. what they’re saying is:

- i don’t want people to be aware of their own symptoms

- i don’t think my patients should have access to any information that doesn’t come from me

- i don’t think neurodivergent people should learn how to cope with their symptoms and live “normal” lives

- i think neurodivergent people should be denied a diagnosis because the moment they get one they will become evil and dangerous

- i don’t think people who don’t look like a stereotype could possibly be neurodivergent, even if they have all the symptoms, so i think they are faking it for attention and should be denied treatment

[frogsandfries]

Welp.

If I'd made myself a ton of spaghetti and eaten it all by myself in two days, living by myself, no one would've said anything.

I just got yelled at scolded by my sister for eating four servings of spaghetti over two days.

I have autism combined with food insecurity and ARFID. It's perfectly normal for me to eat the same thing essentially four times in two days.

Update: She's just frustrated that I didn't have something else for lunch, and that I skipped breakfast, and apparently the four meal containers worth of food was supposed to last two of us two weeks. Bruh. That amount of food might have lasted maximum six servings per person. You're welcome to do something like have your servings every other or third day. She mentioned like, you're going to eat my portions. What the fuck, no I'm not. Literally. Why would I eat food that I don't like the taste and it upsets my stomach. Why.

Also.

I. Don't. Fucking. Do. That. The only time I eat food that is specifically apportioned to her is that I've been invited to do so.

Believe me, I don't know why my brain thinks the best solution is to wait to find food until I'm so hungry, I have no choice but to eat, but I don't think I'm a threat to the budget. I'm actually, ultimately, not to brag, eating less than she is.

She threw the usual suggestions at me: food journal--no, because then I become even more avoidant. Leave notes and notifications--no because I will just ignore them. I tried that with water, which I was desperately needing to consume more, and more consistently.

I know I need to eat more, smaller meals. Just like I need to drink more water consistently throughout the day. I simply cannot and I do not know why. I find these kinds of habits too annoying to sustain. Also, I was losing weight just fine eating like this, taking my medications, and not exercising. The problem is, when I exercise, I also need to change my eating habits.

Look, I'm just completely uncomfortable being told I have a poor relationship with food. What do you want me to fix first: the anxiety, the depression, the autism, the OCD, the cPTSD, or the ARFID????? What about the food insecurity? My genes?? What, should I just go get gene therapy to cut out the food insecurity genes???

Neither of us have a great relationship with food. She says she doesn't have rules, but she abso-fuckin-lutely does. She has tons of them. I might have a system about food, and it might be fucked up and not very helpful, but it isn't rules ~.~

Lastly, I couldn't find my fucking chicken because she buried it, so I couldn't have the asparagus and potatoes or any of the Indian food. Plus. I still have shrimp and frozen veggies and salmon. All foods I like to eat.

She's just on edge because of things that have nothing to do with food.

[kissbeginswithkay]

I put it in tags but tw for eating disorder mentions and talking about throwing up

I'm like. Really grateful to my mom for being really accommodating with my "eating habits" (it's either ARFID, autism, adhd, or two or three combined!) because I would have like. A worse quality of life if she didn't. My dad says it's a "diet" and I tell people that I'm "extremely picky" but it's To the Point of Disorder. When I realized I had something wrong early on I didn't know ARFID existed, I only knew about eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, but I was like "I don't...hate my body though? Not to the point of making myself throw up or starve myself at least." I only made myself throw up once, years ago my stomach hurt a lot one day and I didn't know how to deal with it because other stuff wasn't working. I hated it, I hated feeling it shoot out my throat like pressing down on a hose, how much my throat burned after, the taste. It was gross all around. It only relieved my stomach pain 0.03% so it was useless. It only went away when I slept it off, I still have no idea what happened that day.

My point is, when I found out ARFID exists, it's like I finally found the word for why I hesitated for almost 30 seconds every time I tried something new. It explained why I cried when I was eating a chicken parm sandwich. It explained why when I eat food I don't love it sits like a rock in my stomach, and I don't even feel full. I checked my diary I have on a separate platform and literally 2 years ago I was sharing that food was 'acidlike' and if a texture or taste I didn't like enveloped my tongue then I would feel like I never wanted to eat again. And then it was a few days after I made that entry that I found out what ARFID was. I still semi question if it's that or just really heavy sensory issues but I wanna keep it close for whenever I decide to talk to a doctor (I hate making appointments shits annoying LMAO)

I promise y'all I'm gonna get a therapist I swear to God LOLLL but yeah love my mom thank you forever for buying me what I can eat even though I ended up developing lactose sensitivity and most of the things I eat have cheese 😁😁😁 UGHHHH I hate it here but also that's literally not her fault at all it's just a shitty (teehee) coincidence

anyway love you all byeee

[dumb-of-ass-pure-of-heart]

Ahhh, I used to be like you. It's a bad take because the language you used sucks and puts the burden on marginalized people when we can so easily blame the lack of support for ARFID (which is what this is called) in mental health care systems and systematic oppression. The physical symptoms this eating disorder causes (it's an eating disorder, it's an eating disorder, it's an eating disorder) are pretty severe but boiling it down to "just start eating better" is just plain fucked up and doesn't work. My wife has ARFID from autism and ADHD and only after 3 years of leaving their parents' house have they started to recover. It. Takes. A. Lot. Of. Time. And. Effort.

There's also food apartheid, which is quite literally getting worse by the minute. Lettuce at my local Aldi is $4 right now. For $4 at McDonald's you can get 2 cheeseburgers and with their app usually you can get a medium fry for free. Here are some pictures from Alaska's grocery stores vs. nearby Canada's.

These are from a month ago (Jul 2023).

"God why don't people just eat better" is a terrible take. "Food is good and amazing and overwhelming for some people, but together we can eat stuff that will make you feel better emotionally and physically" is what actually works for ARFID. "Food is heavily restricted for you because you live in Alaska where you have to drive 6 hours to the nearest grocery store/because you live in an area where food apartheid has been intentionally put into place by corporations AND the government/etc. but together we can find some resources like community gardens or food initiatives so we can start eating different foods since it's making you feel so gross" is what works for people who struggle navigating food-based oppression.

Btw I have a degree in the anthropology and sociology of food with a specialization in media so don't even come at me with "UM ACTUALLY" because I know more than most about this.

i mean this in the gentlest way possible: you need to eat vegetables. you need to become comfortable with doing so. i do not care if you are a picky eater because of autism (hi, i used to be this person!), you need to find at least some vegetables you can eat. find a different way to prepare them. chances are you would like a vegetable you hate if you prepared it in a stew or roasted it with seasoning or included it as an ingredient in a recipe. just. please start eating better. potatoes and corn are not sufficient vegetables for a healthy diet.

[sniffanimal]

Talking about my eating disorder (ARFID) below the cut

Idk how much I've talked about it but ARFID is such a weird and frustrating disorder to have. Its really comorbid with autism and ADHD. It stands for avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, and is a type of eating disorder. My diagnosis predates this term, it was just eating disorder not otherwise specified, so getting help amounted to "we don't know why you're not eating. Have you tried eating?"

I'd say it's really well managed, I can eat a lot of things I used to never touch, and depending on the setting novel foods aren't as stressful as they used to be. But anytime my ambient stress levels are up (for example, having surgery coming up, or when I was at my worst, having a stomach ulcer and job troubles) I regress into eating the same few plain foods. Lately it's been rice krispies, pbjs, and granola. Also foods that are predictable and I know I already like them (I had a frozen lasagna last night).

I have half a zine written about ARFID, I should find it and finish it. I wrote it when I was diagnosed with ED-NOS, so I now have more stuff I can add to it too.

I follow some people on IG like arfid.dietician that post a lot of ways to treat ARFID, but for me it's really just stress reduction. I have 14 days to completely prepare for my surgery and the amount of stuff I still need to do is annoyingly large. Maybe today's task will be to make a to-do list priority matrix