#i don't know ! i don't know why ! is it autism ! is it arfid ! is it something else ! is it just arbitrary tastes !

[gender-euphowrya]

it's really baffling to me that when i tell people i don't eat veggies they're like "THEN WHAT DO YOU EAT" like. do you not know about the other food groups. have you exclusively been eating carrots and leaves like a bugs bunny

[omnium-gatherums]

I am someone with very severe IBS (not yet sure if the IBS is actually something else yet but just "I have severe digestive problems" basically) and I'm pretty sure I have ARFID. My eating problems are weird and confusing and I know it's a combo of DID, trauma, my IBS, and possible ARFID.

My problems with eating are confusing and weird and I barely understand them, but it's always been really bad like I struggle several times every day to find food and for a while I could at least Get By at least I was still eating every day.

Well I have now reached a point where I think I am genuinely at a point of literally not eating at all and I need desperate help but how? Where? Who do I see? My therapist can't help with this (and yes I have talked with her about this already plenty of times). I know I think nutritionists are really bad right and it's dieticians that you'd wanna see..? And I know they're expensive. I don't know how expensive or what.

I am not looking for advice or tips because I promise you I have most likely either already tried them and/or thought of them and they won't help me at all, but what I'm asking is who do I go to about this. How do I get help for this. What do I do. Because I think I've been at emergency levels of desperately needing help with this already but now I'm at like "YOU NEED THE E.R. RIGHT NOW" levels of bad and I don't know what to do.

(Autism tags are purely because of how common it is to be autistic and have ARFID, I just wanted more reach)

Also, the reason why fat liberation and fatphobia are tagged is because I would like to ask other fat people with ARFID their experiences. How do you get help with this? Who do you see? And how do I make sure that I don't end up with like, assuming I'd need to see a dietician about this (or a nutritionist, but I think the nutritionists are the ones who aren't properly qualified right ?), I wanna make sure I don't end up with. A fatphobe who just thinks I need to lose weight.

I am also aware that I could have Googled these things, and I have, but it's a lot easier and more helpful to be able to hear from other people directly.

Anyways that's it that's the post HXNSJXJ

[kirasworldofwords]

I don't think I ever really introduced myself here so here goes!

First of all, hi! My name is Kira, but you may call me Kiki if you'd like. On AO3, I'm known as "chiquita_chequito", I'm often there just lingering and reading or writing, lol. I'm 22 years old, German with Polish roots and live in a small German town where nothing ever really happens, lol. I have many interests, like certain anime and F1 (especially that as of late) and consider myself a decent writer at least. You're free to quote and/or correct me on that though, lol.

A few random facts about me:

✨️ I'm neurodivergent! I have OCD, ADD and Autism paired with hyperesthesia and ARFID (I know, I know... I should pick a struggle, but alas).

✨️ I also happen to be queer - bisexual as well as somewhere on the aro-ace gradient plus bigender, to be exact. My pronouns are they/she, meaning I prefer "they/them" but am also okay with "she/her". Anything but "he/him" and "it/its".

✨️ My hyperfixation has been cars (as in the vehicles, not the movie) ever since I was a baby. After my first two words, "Mama" and "No", my third word was "Car" in German - the fourth was "Skodda", as per my mom's telling. Surprise surprise, I still love Škodas. 😂

✨️ I play in a sort of marching band that we call Schalmeienzug, there's no direct translation though. It's really fun! Been there for five years now and still love it. 🫶🏻

✨️ Don't ask me how or why but for whatever reason, I can get any song I want stuck in someone else's brain. It works every damn time with just about anyone and yes, I am quite shameless about it. If I have to suffer through having Spongebob music stuck in my brain, then so do you. I have spoken.

✨️ My sense of humor is... skewed at best, fucking dark at worst. That's it. I refuse to elaborate.

✨️ In my free time, I also study Finnish. Thanks, Käärijä, lmao.

✨️ And yes, I love Eurovision. As a queer European girlie, that's a must, lol.

✨️ Regarding F1, my favorite drivers of the current grid are Oscar Piastri, Daniel Ricciardo (noooo, I don't have a thing for Aussies, wdym [also RIP, I am not okay, even if he's not a driver anymore, I will always love him]), Nico Hülkenberg and Sergio "Checo" Pérez (Christian Horner, when I catch you). Of the old grid I still somewhat remember (I've been watching F1 since childhood days), my favorites used to be Sebastian Vettel, Kimi Räikkönen and the Nicobergs - aka Nico Rosberg and Nico Hülkenberg. My heart has a special place reserved for Michael Schumacher, though, and it's shaped specifically like his stature. ❤️

✨️ I swear a lot. Like, a lot. I'm not kidding. So... proceed with caution if you're sensitive to that.

✨️ My free time is mainly spent playing video games - I don't have many friends and those I do have don't always have time for me so this is what I revert back to if I don't have somewhere else to be like a performance, lol.

✨️ I drive a black four cylinder Opel Corsa D ecoflex from 2013 and it is my pride and joy. 🫶🏻 Already jokingly told my mom that, if she wants grandkids, she already has one. My car. 😭

✨️ Last but not least, my writing style is quite distinct in the way that I usually write melancholic, if not downright depressing stuff. I guess it's a reflection of my life thus far - again, I will not elaborate.

That should be it from my side for now. If anything else comes into my messy little pea-sized brain, I shall let you know through editing this post - or just completely rewriting it, lmao.

Which means, for now, have a nice one and don't let the bedbugs bite!

- 🍸

[smileymoth]

Johnny 9, 17 and 28

JOHNNY THE MISTAKE FROM GOD who i havent looked at for years . i haven't thought about him for so long i wonder how he's doing, i actually cant imagine what he would be doing right now. he's like my age. maybe he went to study like. car mechanics in trade school. yeah that fits him. i still think he has like no friends irl beside Ivar. Ivar also has no friends bc he's autistic. Ivar probably didn't even go to uni he just went to work at a factory. like Wendre or some shit. he and Johnny both went to Koidula. or whatever the name for that school would be in the universe. bc Gabriels siblings go there !!!!!! THEY'RE OUR AGE or they're still stuck in that fuckass town till this day. lmao. They both hate how much that city keeps changing every summer now.

I'll answer for both Ivar and Johnny bc they're like a package deal yk. Kinda like us but so much worse bc they actually don't talk to other people and they have like 5 million more issues than we do. Johnny would try to get girls from like tinder but he doesn't click with any of them. Ivar simply doesn't care for dating??? There's no point in it for him. Johnny wants something out of life but he doesn't know what. He's just lost and fixing peoples cars now i guess. he rents an apartment. Ivar still lives with his parents. theyre ok w it :) they rather him gather money for an apartment instead of renting.

9. favorite food? least favorite? are they a picky eater? do they have any dietary restrictions? if he could he would only eat noodles for the rest of his life. so that's his favourite. i think he would HATE any vegan meals. it's not a real meal to him if there's no meat in it. i think he is very much a picky eater. anything that looks off by like 1mm he will not touch. generally distrustful toward food. hence why he probably starved in middle school bc that canteen was NOT serving good food let me tell you

Ivar probably has ARFID so he has some safe foods and that's about it. Maybe potatoes. In any form. He doesn't care much for meat. He doesn't like the taste. He's just not a fan of food to begin with. Most food disgusts him. He loves gummy candies tho.

17. how did they spend their summers/free time as a child? alone. at Ivar's place. either outside or playing video games on the computer. His only friend was Ivar so yeah. Ivar mostly was inside or doing like odd jobs in the summer. Johnny I guess is the same. He wants money. I don't know what jobs kids work during summer I literally only worked once and it was at a hotel to get money for a cd player T_T

yeah their summers and lives in general arent too eventful. beside when johnny gets stabbed or into fights i guess but

28. how do they show that they care about someone? how do they express that they don't like someone?

Johnny just talks to you. If he likes you he talks to you. He will bring you random gifts. like Rocks or some shit. Sth reminds him of you and he brings it to you. Well, to Ivar. He doesn't like anyone else. If he tells you anything slightly personal he cares about you. He does have some online friends and he just sends them memes and plays games with them. He's cares deeply but he just sucks at showing it. He would yell at people who were mean or weird to Ivar in school bc of his autism. He will stand up for you if he really likes you. Honestly I feel like he's also neurodivergent but like on the other end of the spectrum. Thats why they click so good i guess. LMAO. If Johnny doesn't like someone he's incredibly snappy toward that person. He will ignore them but just being in their vicinity will drive him up the wall so anything they say can result in him telling them to shut up. His temper is SO short its unreal.

Ivar is very shut off in general so what he thinks of people will always be a mystery to many. he will i guess jut ignore you if he doesnt like you?????? kind of off topic but i think like. doing group projects w him would be pretty good because he WILL do his part quickly, he just doesn't want to talk too much, so if you give him exactly what he has to do he will. Anyway. He will send his friends pics he takes. And memes. ofc. :)

Ithink Johnny and Lauri (Gabriels brother) fucking hate each other for no aparent reason i just think its funny. Lauri also thinks Ivar is fucking weird. Oh theres the reason lmao he was mean to Ivar once. Laura (Gabriels younger sister) tries to get close to Ivar but hes soooo not interested. they do become deskmates in some classes i think. She would be nice to him :)

[cas-coding]

list of my stims and tics to show you you're not alone.

i probably pass for neurotypical in many environments i enter, and i realize the privilege that i have because of this, but that does not mean that i am neurotypical. i have been diagnosed with GAD, depression, OCD, gender dysphoria, ARFID, and am waiting on an autism diagnosis appt later this year.

my point of making this list is to help anyone feel less alone than they might have felt before. even if you can't see me stimming or ticcing, i am, and that means that anyone could be stimming or ticcing along with you and you might not notice. you are not alone.

but here's my current list of stims, tics, and echolalia <3

wiggling my toes, specifically trying to position the seam of my sock into a certain position

kicking my foot. i have a friend who makes fun of me for kicking her all the time, but she knows it's a tic and i can't help it and the teasing is all in good fun

adjusting how i'm sitting. this is a big one if i have a large temperature fluctuation!! (and i'm not talking like oh, i'm uncomfortable with how i'm sitting, i'll adjust type deal. i'm talking every two minutes im like swinging my knee over my shoulder to get a better position)

hitting my hip. this happens a lot when i am stressed, especially if it is due to my own mistake.

shaking out my hand. this is a calming action, typically one i do in loud environments or when i have to eat a food i don't feel comfortable eating. in severe cases, i shake both hands rather violently. (i once shook so hard i had to wear wrist brace for a week)

putting my hand in a fist and nodding it. as a child i was told this was sign language for yes, but i have no idea if that's accurate or not. i've had this stim since i was nine as a nonspeaking way of showing my extreme excitement for something.

twirling my hair, occasionally pulling it. i have curls and so while it looks like i'm just touching up some curls, it typically is a tic that happens when i am very uncomfortable.

scrunching up my face and shaking my head. this can range from looking like a cute anime sneeze to a straight up meltdown. this happens when i am trying to tell someone no and they do not listen to me.

chewing my fingernails and the skin around them. this is by far the worst stress reaction i have, but it's also become a grounding technique. i've done this ever since i was little to stop dissociating as the pain will typically pull me from that headspace.

squishing my stomach. this is associated with eating and feeling unhealthy.

repeating the phrase 'mish mish.' i saw it on a tumblr post about two months ago as a way someone was referring to misha and now i say it as a comfort phrase. if someone could tell me why i latched onto this specifically that would be great.

humming, but not a specific tune. i typically try to find the pitch of whatever is bothering me most (like if there's a tornado test siren) as a way to feel like i control that stimulus.

just making sounds. you all know the sounds i am talking about. thee sounds

but, by far, my biggest and most frequent tic is neck tensing. this one is borderline dangerous. first my neck tenses up and then my head will shake, just a little bit until i either a) manage to stop by some miracle or b) my neck grows so tense i get stuck in a little sideways tilt for about 30 minutes.

other general sensory issues i have:

clothing texture

overlapping noise

watching tv without subtitles. literally cannot do this

the texture of whatever i am standing on (i'm not kidding, i will literally only wear fuzzy socks bc of this)

body temperature

tastes and textures of foods

restraining or constricting physical touch (for example: hand on the shoulder? so chillin. hug? i think the fuck not)

END OF LIST

[lilac-read]

^This

So I only have one diagnosis (GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder). I am certain that I am on the autism spectrum, and I'm equally certain that I have ADHD. I'm also certain that I suffer from an eating disorder (ARFID).

Here's the thing. My state (like a number of others) doesn't offer much in the way of healthcare for neurodivergent people. Where I live, seeking a diagnosis basically means seeking a prescription. There's nothing wrong with taking needed medication to help your brain out. But *not everyone with ADHD needs pills*. I'm still able to function as a member of society (no matter how much I don't like it) on a regular basis. I have days where it's worse, but on the whole I don't see a need for medication in my case.

For that reason, I don't seek a diagnosis. But I'm someone who struggles a lot with communication and opening up. And one of the single most frustrating things is when I try to have a conversation about mental health, and my personal struggles, and I'm met with "then why don't you get diagnosed?" "if you're not diagnosed how do you know that that's what's going on with you?"

I know myself and I know my brain. And when I'm doing extensive research into behavioral psychology and different symptoms of these issues, and I'm looking at what DSM-5 criteria need to be met for a diagnosis, and I'm meeting *most or all of those criteria*, I have a right to suspect that a form of Autism, ADHD, and ARFID are things that I have to live with.

Because I don't want to be associated with people who fake illnesses in order to gain clout, I always always ALWAYS refer to my self as undiagnosed. But that doesn't mean I don't have issues that diagnosed people have.

It just means I don't want to spend thousands of dollars trying to find a doctor who will diagnose me without forcing medication on me when I can easily do research and find advice from people suffering from the same issues I am, and try to emulate what helps them cope with the challenges they face.

a while ago i attended this lecture on autism. guy in the audience said he had many of the symptoms that were presented and asked what should he do to get treatment and possibly a diagnosis. instead of answering his question the psychologist went on a tangent about how “the clinic reigns all powerful over guesswork”, and how actually it has become a trend amongst little children on the internet to claim that they are autistic for cool points, and that this hurts real autistic people. no she didn’t tell him how to get his symptoms looked into, she just made it very clear that to her, aknowledging your own symptoms is bad and evil and hurts the poor real mentally ill people.

an ex-friend of mine, then a psychology major and by now probably a full psychologist, once lectured me on how horrible and bad it was that i told her “i probably have some sort of neurodivergency”, and that if i were her patient she would never give me a diagnosis because “you aren’t like this now, but i know that if you get a diagnosis you’ll use it as an excuse to start treating people badly. that’s just how mentally ill people are.”

same ex-friend was extremely disgusted when she found out that fans sometimes make neurodivergency headcanons for characters that have the same symptoms as they do, and that authors sometimes write books with neurodivergent protagonists in stories that don’t focus on that (ex: she seemed horrified that percy jackson has adhd?)

multiple psychologists i’ve seen on facebook agree that they should refuse to treat patients that say “i’m here because i have symptoms of a disorder and wonder if i have it”, and that a patient should arrive to a psychologist as a blank slate.

school psychologist asked me how i was feeling about my trauma situation and i told him i thought my friends would leave me. instead of addressing the issue he said that that no i didn’t, that i was lying, that i had searched “bpd symptoms” online and now i was faking symptoms because i wanted to have bpd, that he shouldn’t have told me he suspected i had a personality disorder because now look what was happening. no, i didn’t search bpd symptoms online. yes, my friends left me, it was a completely founded belief and not a symptom, let alone a faked symptom.

so the next time you hear someone saying they’re “anti self-diagnosis” i want you to understand what they’re saying. what they’re saying is:

- i don’t want people to be aware of their own symptoms

- i don’t think my patients should have access to any information that doesn’t come from me

- i don’t think neurodivergent people should learn how to cope with their symptoms and live “normal” lives

- i think neurodivergent people should be denied a diagnosis because the moment they get one they will become evil and dangerous

- i don’t think people who don’t look like a stereotype could possibly be neurodivergent, even if they have all the symptoms, so i think they are faking it for attention and should be denied treatment

[frogsandfries]

Welp.

If I'd made myself a ton of spaghetti and eaten it all by myself in two days, living by myself, no one would've said anything.

I just got yelled at scolded by my sister for eating four servings of spaghetti over two days.

I have autism combined with food insecurity and ARFID. It's perfectly normal for me to eat the same thing essentially four times in two days.

Update: She's just frustrated that I didn't have something else for lunch, and that I skipped breakfast, and apparently the four meal containers worth of food was supposed to last two of us two weeks. Bruh. That amount of food might have lasted maximum six servings per person. You're welcome to do something like have your servings every other or third day. She mentioned like, you're going to eat my portions. What the fuck, no I'm not. Literally. Why would I eat food that I don't like the taste and it upsets my stomach. Why.

Also.

I. Don't. Fucking. Do. That. The only time I eat food that is specifically apportioned to her is that I've been invited to do so.

Believe me, I don't know why my brain thinks the best solution is to wait to find food until I'm so hungry, I have no choice but to eat, but I don't think I'm a threat to the budget. I'm actually, ultimately, not to brag, eating less than she is.

She threw the usual suggestions at me: food journal--no, because then I become even more avoidant. Leave notes and notifications--no because I will just ignore them. I tried that with water, which I was desperately needing to consume more, and more consistently.

I know I need to eat more, smaller meals. Just like I need to drink more water consistently throughout the day. I simply cannot and I do not know why. I find these kinds of habits too annoying to sustain. Also, I was losing weight just fine eating like this, taking my medications, and not exercising. The problem is, when I exercise, I also need to change my eating habits.

Look, I'm just completely uncomfortable being told I have a poor relationship with food. What do you want me to fix first: the anxiety, the depression, the autism, the OCD, the cPTSD, or the ARFID????? What about the food insecurity? My genes?? What, should I just go get gene therapy to cut out the food insecurity genes???

Neither of us have a great relationship with food. She says she doesn't have rules, but she abso-fuckin-lutely does. She has tons of them. I might have a system about food, and it might be fucked up and not very helpful, but it isn't rules ~.~

Lastly, I couldn't find my fucking chicken because she buried it, so I couldn't have the asparagus and potatoes or any of the Indian food. Plus. I still have shrimp and frozen veggies and salmon. All foods I like to eat.

She's just on edge because of things that have nothing to do with food.

[sniffanimal]

Talking about my eating disorder (ARFID) below the cut

Idk how much I've talked about it but ARFID is such a weird and frustrating disorder to have. Its really comorbid with autism and ADHD. It stands for avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, and is a type of eating disorder. My diagnosis predates this term, it was just eating disorder not otherwise specified, so getting help amounted to "we don't know why you're not eating. Have you tried eating?"

I'd say it's really well managed, I can eat a lot of things I used to never touch, and depending on the setting novel foods aren't as stressful as they used to be. But anytime my ambient stress levels are up (for example, having surgery coming up, or when I was at my worst, having a stomach ulcer and job troubles) I regress into eating the same few plain foods. Lately it's been rice krispies, pbjs, and granola. Also foods that are predictable and I know I already like them (I had a frozen lasagna last night).

I have half a zine written about ARFID, I should find it and finish it. I wrote it when I was diagnosed with ED-NOS, so I now have more stuff I can add to it too.

I follow some people on IG like arfid.dietician that post a lot of ways to treat ARFID, but for me it's really just stress reduction. I have 14 days to completely prepare for my surgery and the amount of stuff I still need to do is annoyingly large. Maybe today's task will be to make a to-do list priority matrix

[traumadragon]

feels dumb to post about adhd and autism here but I don't really have anywhere to scream (gently) about it

we literally cannot be diagnosed with autism because of how much neglect and abuse we went through, and the way i was tossed around my family constantly makes it impossible for anyone to have known me at critical times long enough to know if I have the childhood history of it other than my acting out + not getting attached to people.

we were finally diagnosed with ADHD recently through our psychiatrist letting us get on ritalin again last fall after we hadn't taken it since we were 7. our family that raised us after we were 8 found out i had been given it before they got me months after. the mother figure was very angry about it. they spent literal years teaching me how to manage my ADHD and I was severely hyperactive until on the autism side of things I developed an extremely strong interest in computer programming, which combined with the hyperfixation aspect of adhd with bouncing between different languages and different things to make with code.

now we are so burnt out, even when our burnout was decreasing, that it doesn't *look* like we have adhd. but in our brain? when the Ritalin wears off? it's like thinking with heavy fog and loud static getting in the way. our system doesn't communicate as well because our thoughts just cut off or jump suddenly and we can't locate where the original thought was. we started working on an essay for grad school on last Thursday, but our brain, even though we'd taken ritalin, used the Ritalin to focus on literally anything else super intensely. we couldn't get the focus, when it was there, to go on the paper. the day before we needed the draft turned in, we were up from 8 am to 11 pm working on the paper, and it was barely enough done to be enough of a draft for the professor to give feedback.

but we've started having meltdowns more easily again. when we manage the autism related stress well enough, people around us DO notice that we are *different*, that we don't communicate the same way they do, but it isn't an outright "you have a developmental disability". but when meltdowns get triggered more easily for us, it's the start of a huge spiral. if we don't do something to decrease the demands on us socially, sensory wise, etc, it will get worse. it's part of our burnout symptoms. we just recovered from the last burnout from the autism side of things in mid 2021.

but our body had already been warning us. we've been spending at least half of the day several times a week, and at least 6-8 hours the other days, nonverbal, brain refuses to communicate vocal cords and mouth movements and trying to think through it causes panic because we don't understand why. we accidentally started turning our work tasks into ways to use our interest in programming. we spent 3 days super intensely focused on that for the whole day, researching what was needed and trying to work with the limitations of the work computer. that made us get super far behind on the general tasks of our job on top of what we were already behind on. we aren't able to keep up with tracking social cues and the body language we've memorised very well. the only time recently we've be able to identify body language that registered as not neutral was in a meeting with two coworkers. i still can't tell what it means. I'm hoping it was just the look between two people just being annoyed with the conversation and one of the co-workers just telling me it was a yes or no question was the whole thing it was part of. anytime one of our interests comes up we don't remember to keep quiet and only give responses instead of talking about it more.

it feels stupid to be upset about it because I'm literally capable of living on my own, though I really can't keep up with hygiene and its always a problem, though I struggle to eat because ARFID+trauma fucks up what food i can cope with eating, but other than that, I'm able to exist with generally no difficulty, I'm in a field that is accommodating for the autism symptoms i have, its tolerant of my adhd. but I've gotten people accustomed to me being able to put a huge amount of effort constantly into just communicating in a way they understand.

it feels wrong that i wish i had been allowed to exist in a way that is comfortable to me. I'm too scared to use AAC instead of talking. I'm too scared of allowing myself to chew on things around people because I've been yelled at for it. I'm scared of talking about things I actually care about because people get frustrated with it. I'm scared of not doing a ton of math and observing tons of tiny things during a conversation just so people won't get mad that I can't figure out what they mean when they talk about things outside of visual context. I'm too scared to use ear plugs or ear defenders even though they would really help. I'm scared of anyone see a meltdown so I'm scared to let it happen if I can interrupt it at all, and I can generally interrupt it from starting by dissociating, but then when others are gone, I'm too scared to not just interrupt it and try to dissociate again because I almost break things i care a lot about a lot of the times with the trigger for them. So it just piles up over and over and eventually turns into a shutdown that confuses the people around me, that i am not so scared of, but it only delays an actual meltdown. I live in fear of when I won't be able to stop it anymore.

And I'm lucky I'm able to stop it. Even though it's because of abuse.

but no one sees the full picture of how bad it is.

I'm able to keep my autism symptoms being noticeable to me at a very low level instead of obvious. but every time burnout starts becoming obvious, it's harder and harder to not notice it.

and I don't know how to fix it because of how terrified I am of anyone noticing anything different than what they know of me.

and my therapist has literally said to me that I can't be diagnosed because of the way Aspergers was merged with ASD in the DSM5. Which is basically the therapist way to say that I don't suffer or struggle very obviously or in a way they notice so therefore it doesn't count. I know I manage it really well. But every person I know, online or offline, that knows me on a regular basis, if there's any concept of me being autistic in the conversation, the reaction everyone seems to have is "oh wait is that why you -" with a ton of random things like social cues and stuff I say regularly.

If people know what autism looks like outside of autistics that are nonverbal 100% of the time or struggle with gross/fine motor moments or other things that just aren't seen in autistics that get to live independently, they always register me as autistic. I can often tell if they do because they change how they talk to me even after just talking to someone else in their normal way, and I've read so many people with the form of autism that's similar to me getting upset about it... but I actually prefer it because they are clear, direct, and don't try to say so much at once.

If I stopped being so terrified of how people would react and let myself gradually just stop trying so hard, I don't know how my therapist or other people that know me would label me. It's so ingrained in me to do so many things socially as automatic responses, even though it's pretty common for a response to be incorrect, but people don't care if you correct yourself or apologise. but I don't know if anyone knows the real me, even online. i dont think i even know the real me. I just know the ways to interact and communicate and do things that I've been taught.

[neurotheascars]

Your hot take is ableist. I think you genuinely don't understand what you're talking about. This whole "autism is a reason but not an excuse" thing is really showing that you are talking out of your ass. You have no idea how sensory disorders work. They are literally sensory disorders because they cause normal sensory input to give the body severe distress and reactions that wouldn't otherwise happen. They are often the most misunderstood kind of disorder. This has nothing to do with "trying new things outside of your comfort zone"

My partner has ARFID (Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder, often comorbid with autism and very much related), which means that certain textures make him physically gag involuntarily. This isn't about food being icky, this isn't about "not trying new things" because he often does, it's just that sometimes he's not ready to potentially throw up and destroy his appetite by trying that new thing.

you are assigning immaturity to conditions people can't control. My partner doesn't want to have ARFID, he actually finds it kind of embarrassing because people (like you) will assume he's immature for an involuntary physical reaction he has to food texture. I'll say it again, it's involuntary, as in uncontrollable, as in not a choice. He's getting occupational therapy for it, but that doesn't change that he may have to turn down a food and he deserves to not be pushed into actually throwing up by someone who thinks hes just a "picky eater who should get over it" just so he can "try new things".

You are wantonly flaunting that you have the privilege of choosing to try foods you want to try without your body physically disagreeing with you. You are putting down people who don't have that privilege because of a physical condition they have no control over. What the heck is wrong with you? WHY is this a hot take you have to make?

My partner actually wants to eat most foods that he gags on. Onions for example, he cannot eat them unless I mince the texture completely out of them and put them in a soup or something. He likes the taste of an onion, but the texture literally makes him unable to swallow. Is being physically unable to swallow enough of an "excuse" for you???? Do you honestly want people to force themselves through gagging to conform to some arbitrary definition of maturity? Because "autism is a reason but not an excuse"?? Surely you just don't know what you're saying.

Also- autism is a developmental delay, and I really shouldn't have to tell you why assigning worth to arbitrary ideas of "maturity" is in and of itself quite ableist, especially when you are talking about a disorder that involuntarily affects development. Op is literally pointing out that there are reasons people don't like foods beyond "it's icky" and you are swooping in to do nothing else but ignore the post and make an ablest take. Think and learn.

every time you say you dislike a certain kind of food someone will invariably chime in like "thats just because you haven't had it from [country i live in]" and like, first off, when an autistic person tells you they don't like a food it's often vastly deeper and more encompassing than just thinking it tastes bad, but also american cuisine is like the only exceptionally good thing about this place. im sorry but i've probably already had the best of it.

[nonspeakingkiku]

hi kiku! how are you doing? i don't really know what to say but i saw your inbox was empty so here's an ask :]

is there anything you've been wanting to talk about but just haven't had the opportunity to? any stories you've been wanting to tell? there's nothing in particular i'd like to ask about so i figured i'd just open up an opportunity to talk about anything you like :D

Kiku thought Kiku answered this way before now but Kiku will talk about Kiku's new OC/sona Puzzle. ☺️

Puzzle is a holland lop red fox hybrid. Kiku is working on a drawing of fae right now. ☺️

About Puzzle

Age: Adult (but fae has age dysphoria due to their autism and trauma and fae doesn't really feel like an adult, even though they are physically an adult)

Gender: Genderqueer/fluid, autigender, trans masc

Pronouns: Fae/Faer primarily, He/They/It auxiliary. Interested in canine and lapine themed neopronouns.

Orientation: Queer, aroace spec, nebula romantic.

Conditions: EDS, nonverbal autism, dyspraxia/apraxia, chronic migraines, learning disabilities, adhd, POTS, Fibromyalgia, and more Kiku can't think of right now.

Disability aids: Puzzle is a forearm crutch, walker, and wheelchair user as well as an AAC user. Fae also uses things like ear defenders/ear plugs, chewelry, and other sensory aids as well as visual schedules and other visual supports.

Fae is an omnivour although their diet is limited due to arfid/sensory issues. Faer parents were very confused when their bunny child started eating chicken and fish once older (Puzzle mostly drank shakes like pediasure for a while because they couldn't handle the textures of most foods). Although considering Puzzles family was primarily canines they weren't exactly sure how to handle a bunny in the first place.

Puzzle is trans and chose faer name faerself. Fae chose it because fae loves puzzles and before fae learned about faer autism he felt like he was missing a piece of the puzzle to why he was the way he was.

Puzzle never talked much unless they had to, and mostly they just struggled through and avoided people where they could because their disabilities went unnoticed and they would be forced to speak, eventhough the people enevitably got upset because they couldn't understand Puzzles mouth words. Puzzle started using AAC informally during highschool (mostly texting and writing things down with people who accepted that) and spent much of their time alone to avoid using mouth words. Eventually as an adult he got access to robust AAC.

[lunarflare64]

One of the funniest things to me about autism is that any conditions an autistic person has, including the autism, is almost guaranteed to become a special interest

Like, I have autism, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder, adhd, non 24 sleep wake disorder, fibromyalgia, iron deficiency anemia, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (yeah my doctors have a fun time dealing with me), and all of those things have been heavily researched to the point where not only do I know the condition front and back, I also know how a neurotypical abled person's body is supposed to function in those areas. Of all these things, my non 24 and pots (which you could say are two of the biggest things that I have to shape my life around, next two being arfid and adhd) are what has stuck in my mind the strongest, with me now having a very Solid special interest in the circadian rhythm, and a new interest forming in the autonomic nervous system/dysautonomia in general

And when I say I'm thorough I really do mean thorough, the other week I was actually going through research papers on the circadian rhythm and autonomic nervous system and how they affect each other, my theory being that the pots is what triggered the non 24, since my pots started around the same age my sleep issues started, and only a few years after that the non 24 settled in as non 24. I don't think too much came of that research binge, since the circadian rhythm can affect just as much as it can be affected, but yeah, I got in deep

Anyway, one of the reasons why this whole special interest thing amuses me so much is that the stereotype is that autistics are kinda dumb outside of their special interest, so when I go to a doctor and they start trying to dumb things down for me, and then I start responding with what I know, the doctors are almost horrified because not only am I smart, I know more about these conditions than they do. Because they're my special interest. My autism is stronger than the healthcare system.

[venus-dawnstar]

I have a love/hate relationship with my autism...

Autism is interesting. At least, I find my autism entertaining. To set an example of what I mean, here's a list:

Pros:

-Fuck, music is so cool. I love it and I can feel it moving in my brain.

-I can tell if something is different or off really easily.

-Want me to explain your emotions to you bc even you don't understand them? Oh, don't worry, I don't know how I'm feeling either. No judgment. Anyway, time to examine your body language and tell you what every thought you're having rn is.

-You don't know where to eat? I have a maximum of 5 foods I can keep in my system at every waking moment, ask which one I want. (More ARFID than autism, but still.)

-Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm good texture, much comfort.

-You talk to me for 2 minutes every day? You say hi to me every morning? Good, you're now part of my routine. You may become the highlight of my day with just a small gesture.

-Yooo this painting has 5 people hidden inside. Also, I think this artist has a flaw in this section but succeeds really well in this section and-

-You want something to talk about? I HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT! MEMEME I DO! ASK ME ABOUT [hyperfixation] P L E A S E !

-.O. You got me a gift! You shouldn't have. What is it? [Literally anything that isn't one of the 10 things I dislike] Omg I love it! Thank you so much! *Keeps it for the rest of my life*

-You know when I trust you. You'll notice. Don't worry about how or when. You'll just know.

-"Words, words, words, words-" "How tf are you on chapter 15 I left for 8 minutes-" "Shhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm at a really important part. Words, words, words, words."

-Want to know when I'm too tired? I stop walking on my tippytoes. That's when.

Cons:

-FUCK EVERYTHING IS TOO LOUD TOO LOUD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

-Ow why is everything so bright that hurts

-Mmmmmmmmmmmm everything hurts. How do bones hurt? Mmmmmmmmmmmm tension headaches.

-EW NONO TEXTURE GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF I WANT TO PEEL THE SKIN THAT TOUCHED IT OFF OW WHY IS IT PAINFUL

-I can't sleep. My brain doesn't want to. Yeah, I know it's 6 AM.

-What? Huh? Da fuq? Uhhhhhhh.. OH OH OH yeah yeah yeah. Why did that take so long to process?

-WHY IS THERE A BREAK IN THE ROUTINE I HATE IT WHEN A PATTERN STOPS. BAD BAD YUCKY BAD. WHY? PANIC.

-*Static* "Hey. did you hear what I said?" "Oh sorry I zoned out. What?"

-Why am I irritated by this? It's not a big deal. Why am I crying, literally all that happened was [thing most people would call insignificant that I find really important]."

-A thing got denied, guess that's a permanent no. Time to lose all hope in it.

-Everything is awesome and I love life and I'm so happy and- *break in routine, bad texture, sensory issue, bad item, something gets slightly off* GODAMNIT

The main inspiration for this list was from this afternoon. My partner and I were about to go walk the dog and pick up food along the way. But what happened? My shoes were missing. They weren't in the place, let alone the room I always put them in and have for the past months. A break happened in the routine and I panicked so badly that my partner had to pull me into a hug and tell me it was okay. I almost started crying bc my shoes were in the wrong place and I didn't know where they were at first. I was excited, practically jumping for joy because I was about to pay for and have a date with my partner. Then, a pattern broke and I almost had a panic attack. I found my shoes, put them on, and boom. I was happy again. Of course, it took me a while to get past the initial shock from it. But afterwards, I was giddy as a kid on Christmas.

TLDR; Autism has its ups and downs, some of mine are listed above. Also, I lost my shoes and it almost sent me into a panic attack. So that was interesting.