#i don't have any strong feelings about sam myself

[blanketforcas]

remember 2021 destielblr when many people pretended to like sam more than they did but at some point that pressure evaporated and everyone stopped blogging about him altogether i think that was funny

[samandcolbyownme]

Summary: Anon request - "virgin!reader x Sam"

Warnings: soft SMUT18+, some strong language, mentions of wine, fingering, protected first time sex, hair pulling, sensual smut, fully smut

Word count: 4.2k | not edited

─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───

"You don't have any plans tonight, do you?" Sam asks as he slips his big sweater over his head. You purse your lips as you think for a second before shaking your head, "Not unless they're with you."

You smile as he smiles and he walks back over to you, "Good. I made us dinner reservations, I'll be back at six to get you."

"Fancy or casual?" You turn around to rest your arms on the back of the couch, eyes watching him as he comes over and leans down, "Slightly fancy."

He peck your lips, "That okay?"

You nod, "more than okay, baby."

He brushes hair from your face, "Okay." He presses his lips to your forehead, "See you later."

You hold your hand up, watching as he walks towards the door, "Bye." As soon as the door closes, you pull your phone out, texting your best friend to call you.

A few minutes later, your phone rings and you answer, "Sam has a dinner planned tonight." You blurt out, "I think.. I think he wants to, you know."

"Have sex?" She asks with a slight laugh, "There's nothing wrong about that word, y/n."

"I know.." you say resting your cheek in your palm, "I just.. we've been dating for almost- we'll, it'll be three months tomorrow and I.." you let out a sigh, "I haven't told him yet."

"Told him wh- wait." She pauses for a moment, "You haven't told him that you've never had sex before?"

You loved your best friend because you can talk to her about anything, no shame at all.

She was your safe place.

No judgment at all.

"I haven't.. I just didn't know when, not like there's a right or wrong time or anything but mainly because I'm scared to tell him."

"Why are you scared, y/n?" She asks, pausing so you can answer, "What if he thinks I'm weird?"

She laughs, loudly, "I highly, and I mean high-ly doubt that he'll think you're weird. Someone who has never had sex before is hard to come by."

"I just.. I don't want to embarrass myself with him, you know, like I really want to with him, I just let my mind get the best of me, I guess."

"I want you to listen to me, y/n." She sighs, "The way Sam looks at you, is the way someone who knows they have a forever in their hands looks at someone, and that's even more rare than someone who still has their virginity."

You smile, "I know it's probably way too soon, but I honestly do think I love him."

"I wouldn't doubt it. You guys are tooth rottenly perfect for each other." She laughs slightly, "I'm sure he feels the same way about you."

You take a deep breath, "I'm going to tell him tonight, I mean it it all goes wrong and he does find me weird-"

She cuts you off, "He's not going to find you weird." She laughs, "I'm sure that will turn him on even more."

"Oh gosh, no. Stop it." You close your eyes, shaking your head, "I'm already nervous as is."

"Sorry, but no. I think it'll be okay." She pauses, "Just remember, that good things take time, and I'm sure that you being such a pure little angel will make it even better."

You smile, laughing slightly as you nod to yourself, "I'm sure you're right and I'm just overreacting."

"Isn't that what usually happens?" She laughs and you your eyes, "Mhm."

"Alright, well let me know how it goes. If you need, my door is always open for you."

You smile, "Thank you. I'll call you tomorrow or something."

"Sounds good. Now go pick out a pretty dress."

"I'll send you pictures. Thank you." You stand up and she sighs, "You got this. He isn't going to go anywhere."

"Okay." You nod, "Talk later."

"Talk later."

You hang up, letting out a long sigh as you make your way into your room to rummage through your closet.

After a while of holding up dresses to your body, you settle on a white knit dress with a cropped sweater attached to it.

You lay it on the bed, walking over to find a pair of shoes that go with it nicely. You pull out each pair of heel you have, nervous that nothing will go with it.

You set a pair of tan ankle boots next to it and tilt your head as you take a picture to send to your friend.

You smile at her reply, That is the cutest dress ever and the light tan color of those boots go so well. You'll look great, y/n!

You text her back and look at the time, it's almost four, which means you have two hours until Sam is back to pick you up.

You head for the shower, hoping to wash some of the anxiety you have, away.

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

You set the curling iron down after curling the last strand of your hair. You look into the mirror of your vanity and let out a sigh, "You got this."

Your phone vibrates and you pick it up, smiling when you see a text from Sam, On my way, sweetheart.

You text back, See you soon, baby.

You set your phone down, applying any last minute touches to your makeup before you stand up to smooth out your dress.

You grab your purse, hooking it onto your shoulder before snapping a picture to send to your friend.

She replies back as you walk out of your room, telling you that you look pretty and what not. She was your biggest support, besides Sam.

Sam has been there for you through everything that's happened these last two, almost three months. You guys clicked instantly and just like your friend said, you felt like you had forever in your hands when you looked at him, too.

There's a knock on your door and you stand up, walking over to open it. An instantly smile on your face when your eyes meet Sam's.

"Wow, you look gorgeous." He smiles as his eyes move down your body, "These are for you."

Your lips slightly part as your eyes move down to the bouquet of red roses in his hand, "Sam." You whisper looking back up at him as you take them, "They're so beautiful."

You open your arm, wrapping it around his neck. His hand lays on your hip and he turns his head to kiss your cheek, "Beautiful flowers, for a beautiful girl. You ready?”

You smile, "Yeah, let me just set these on the counter." You turn, walking back into your apartment to set them down on the counter, "Okay. Ready."

You walk over to him and link your arm with his. You pull your door shut before he leads you down to his car. He opens the passenger door for you, giving you a smile before he closes it.

He walks around, getting into the drivers seat, "That dress looks beautiful on you."

You run your hand over the fabric and look up at him, "Thank you. I got it a few weeks ago, figured now was the perfect time to wear it."

"Any time would have been the perfect time, babe." Sam smiles as he lays his hand on yours, interlocking your fingers together.

You bring your other hand over, tracing gentle circles on top of his hand. Your mind starts racing, but you quickly shut it down by reminding yourself of what your friend said.

You rest your head back, staring out the window at the lights of the city. Sam squeezes your hand, "You okay?"

You look over at him, "What, babe?"

"I asked if you're okay." He glances over at you, "You're quiet."

"Oh, I'm fine. Just enjoying the lights." You nod towards the window and he tilts his head, "You sure?"

You nod at him, "Yes, baby. I'm good." You smile, giving his hand a squeeze back. He smiles and pulls up to the doors.

You look over at him, "Valet?"

He smiles and nods, "Uh huh. Now wait here." He gets out, walking around to your side. He talks to the attendant before opening your door, "This way, sweetheart."

He holds his hand out and you take it as you exit the car, "Sam. This place is fancy."

He wraps an arm around your waist as you walk in, "You deserve it."

You smile as you walk with him to your table. He pulls your chair out for you and you sit down. He helps move your chair in before moving to sit beside you.

Your eyes scan down over the menu, "Everything sounds so good."

He nods, "I came here with Colby a few months ago, it was very good."

You set your menu down, looking from it to Sam, "I have to tell you something."

You can see it in his face that he doesn't like the sound of that but you quickly reassure, "Don't worry, it's nothing bad."

He lets out a sigh, "Oh god. Okay." He laughs slightly, "What's up, babe?"

Just as you're about to say it, the waiter comes over, "Good evening, my name is Frankie, I'll be your waiter tonight. Can I get you started with something to drink?"

"Hello Frankie." Sam gives him a smile, "Actually, yes." He looks over at you, "How does a bottle of Sangria sound?"

You smile and nod, "Please."

Sam looks back at Frankie, "Well do a bottle of Sangria, red." He nods at Sam and smiles, "I'll be right back with that."

"Thank you." You and Sam say as he walks away. Sam looks at you, taking your hand, "So you were saying?"

You laugh nervously, "Oh, yeah. That." You brush a curl from your face and sigh, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you, and I think you need to know before anything happens-"

He cuts you off, "Anything, sweetheart. You can tell me anything." You catch the hint of worry in his voice so you lean in, "I'm.." you pause, laughing slightly as you build up the courage.

You look up at him, "I'm a.. virgin."

He lets out the breath he was holding, "I thought you were going to say you can't see me anymore or something."

You lay your other hand on top of the one that's in your hand, "No, baby." You shake your head, "I just thought I should tell you, I'm not trying to rush anything by saying that, I just.." you raise your brows, "I just don't have any personal experience and I figured that that would be embarrassing on my end."

He reaches his hand up, thumb brushing your cheek, "There's nothing embarrassing about that, sweetheart." He smiles, "I think.. that's kind of sexy."

Your friend was right, you think as you bite your bottom lip, "Really?"

"There's a first time for everything, darling.." Sam smiles, "And if you are willing, I'd be honored to show you the ropes." He winks, causing a slight blush to take to your cheeks.

"Considering we're celebrating our three month anniversary tonight.." you rest your elbows on the table and lean forward, "I think tonight would be the perfect night for you to do that."

He tilts his head, "It's been three months already?"

You laugh, "I know. Time flies when you're having a good time." He laughs, sighing as he looks up at Frankie, "Thank you."

He nods, "Are we ready to order yet?"

"I am." Sam nods and looks over at you, "You know whatcha want?"

You motion to him, "You go first." You look back down over menu as Sam orders. You look up, ordering what you want before Frankie walks away.

You feel Sam slip his hand under yours and you look over at him as you sit your wine. He stares at you for a few seconds, "Why were you nervous to tell me?"

You shrug, "I didn't want you to think I was weird."

He laughs slightly, "Oh baby, why would I think you're weird? I think that's a good thing, you know?"

"Well.." you sigh with a smile, "That's certainly a relief."

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·

As you leave the restaurant, your arm linked with Sam's, you can but feel a rush up nervous excitement.

You were more than ready to give yourself to Sam.

You wanted him to be the one to have you for the first time.

The more you thought about it, the more it felt like it was meant to happen this way.

You watch as the valet attendant brings his car around. Sam leads you down, opening the passenger door for you.

"Thank you, baby." You give him a kiss on the cheek before getting in. He smiles, "More than welcome, my love."

He shuts your door, waving to the attendant and yelling a quick 'thank you' before getting in, "Alright. So where to now?"

"We can go back to my place." You bite your lip as you look over at him. He smirks, "say no more." He starts to drive, his hand finding yours like it always does.

You can tell he wants to ask something, but chooses not to.

"You can ask me, babe." You laugh slightly, "I'll answer any question you have."

He glances over at you, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable by asking anything."

You shake your head, "You won't."

"Why haven't you.." he pauses, "i don't know how to word it." He laughs nervously and you rest your head back, "Why haven't I ever had sex with anyone before?"

He nods and you shrug, "I just.. I don't know, really. It just never felt right with anyone. I was thinking about it, after I told you, and I honestly feel like it was meant to be this way."

He smiles as he comes to a stop, looking over at you, "Really?"

You nod, "I haven't felt this way with anyone. I actually told my friend earlier today that-" you stop once you realize what you're about to say.

You look over at him and he nods, "Keep going."

You take a calming breath, "I was just telling her today that I think.." you smile slightly, "I'm falling in love with you."

A smile takes over his face and he shakes his head, "I actually had sorta the same conversation with Colby the other day."

"You did?" You can feel your cheeks heating and he nods. He brings your hand up to his lips, pressing them against the back of it, "I love you, y/n."

Your heart skips a beat and you nod, "I love you, Sam."

He presses a few kisses onto the back of your hand as he comes to a stop at a red light. He lets go of your hand and reaches up to pull you over as he leans over, and that's right when you knew that you definitely have the kissing at red lights kind of love.

"When we get back to my place.." you whisper as you lean back, "I want you to take me into my room and show me just how much you love me."

You were shocked that those words came from your lips.

But you weren't arguing about it.

"Anything for you, baby." Sam takes his hand back into yours as he continues driving.

Your stomach fills with, what feels like a thousand butterflies and he pulls into the parking space in front of your building.

He looks over at you, reaching up to cup your cheek with his hand, "I've never felt this much love for someone."

You lay your hand on his, "Me too, Sam."

He pulls you in, pressing his lips to yours before whispering a small, "Come on, sweetheart." He gets out, and like usual, comes and opens your door.

You cling to his arm, smiling as you walk up to your door. You unlock it, immediately pulling him in. He kicks the door shut as your hands go to the sides of his neck, lips meeting his.

His hands go to your waist, backing you up a few steps before he pulls your body into his.

"Are you sure?" He whispers, leaning his head back a little to look at you.

"I've never been more sure of anything before, Sam."

He smiles, brushing hair from your face, "Okay." He leans down, gripping the back of your thighs so he can lift you up.

Your legs circle his waist, arms wrapping around his neck as he walks you into your bedroom.

The most you’ve done with Sam is an old fashioned high school make out. Nothing more. He never pressured you into more, with him, it just feels so right.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers, pressing little kisses onto your cheek as he lays you down on the bed. Your legs fall to his sides and he leans up to shrug off his jacket.

You watch was his hands move to undo each button on his white shirt as you pull your bottom lip between your teeth.

Your eyes move up to meet his as he slides it down his shoulders and drops it to the floor. He leans back down, body over yours as he presses his lips to yours again.

He grinds against you, earning a low moan from your lips, “That’s it, baby.” He kisses down your neck and back up, “If it feels good, tell me.”

You nod, tilting your head back as he attaches his lips to the skin of your neck, sucking to leave a mark.

You moan out quietly as your nails dig into his shoulders. His hand moves down to pull your dress up, letting it lay high on your thighs.

His hand dips in between them, gently dragging lines up and down your clothed, but soaked center.

“Please.” You whimper as you move your hips, “Please, touch me.”

He nods once, tilting his head slightly as he watches your face. He slips his fingers into the crutch of your panties, pushing them over before gently gliding a finger up and down, “This what you wanted, baby?”

You nod quickly, moving your hips up and down, “Y-yes.”

You thought him just grazing the outside of your pussy felt good, but it quickly heightened when he slowly plunged his finger into you.

You arched your back, letting out a whine as you squeezed around his finger.

“Feel good?” Sam asks rubbing your thigh with his free hand. You look up at him, lips parted as you moan to him slowly moving his finger out and back in, “Fuck, yes.”

Sam bites his lip, watching your body move from the pleasure he’s giving you.

He was in awe that you were his.

He slid his hand over, palming himself through his suit pants because the image of you was making him ache.

“Fuck, I know I keep saying it, but you look so beautiful.” He leans down, hand still between your legs, “So pretty.”

He gently presses his lips to yours and your hands move to his neck, sliding one hand up to tangle in his hair.

He lets out a groan as you tug, “So mine.”

You smile against his lips, arching your back as he curls his finger, “Fuck.” You slide your hands down his chest, “Please, Sam. I need you.”

He nods, “Alright.” He slowly pulls his finger out, “Take this off for me.” He tugs the hem of your dress before getting up to take off his pants.

His eyes are glued on you as you sit up to reveal your body to him. You let the dress drop to the floor before reaching behind you to unhook your bra.

He slips his fingers into the band of his boxers, pausing to just take a good look at you.

“What?” You ask, a shy tone consuming your words.

He shakes his head, “Nothing, I-“ he sighs and smiles, “You’re just.. ravishing.”

You give him a smile and look down, “Oh, thank you.” He strips away from his boxers, “Do you have a condom, by chance?”

“Actually.. I do.” You laugh, “my friend gave it to me a few weeks ago, long story but it pertains to you.”

He chuckles, “Oh jeeze, okay.” He walks over to the stand you pointed to, pulling out and putting it on before walking over to crawl up between your legs again, “You okay?”

You look up at him, laughing nervously, “Just.. kinda nervous.”

He brushes your cheek with his hand, “I got you, sweetheart.” He leans in, pressing his lips to your forehead, “If it hurts or gets to be too much, I’ll stop.”

You nod, lying back as he moves up to hover over you, “Tell me when.”

You take a deep breath, giving him a nod, “I’m ready.”

Sam gathers some spit onto his fingertips and reaches down to coat the tip of his cock, “Just try and relax, baby.”

You spread your legs, laying your hands on his biceps as he positions himself at the entrance. You close your eyes, the rollercoaster of emotions hitting you at once.

Nervous.

Excited.

Happy.

But, you were ready for him.

You close your eyes, squeezing his biceps as he slowly slides into you, “Fuck.” He breathes out, “You okay?”

You nod quickly, eyes still shut tight, “Yeah.”

He pauses for a moment, reaching up to tilt your head up, “You sure?” You give him a smile, “Yes.” You lay your hand on his cheek, “K-keep going.”

He brushes hair from your face before reaching for your hand, interlocking your fingers with his. He continues to push in, earning small moans from you.

You wrap your leg over his waist, squeezing his hand tight.

“Sam.” You moan out quietly, “That feels so good.”

He leans down, peppering your face with kisses, “That’s good, baby.” He pushes all the way in, resting for a moment, “You feel so good.”

You lay your free hand on his cheek, wiggling your hips ever so slightly, “Okay.”

He tilts his head, “Ready?”

You nod and gasp as he pulls out, gently thrusting back in, “Fuck, y/n. You feel incredible.”

His words send the anxiety and nervousness away. You feel so much closer to him already. You now know that this was the way it was supposed to be.

“I love you.” You whisper out, “I love you.”

Sam rests his forehead against yours, “I love you so much.” He lifts his head to plant a kiss, “So fucking much.”

You snake your arm under his, laying your hand in the center of his back as you moan out, louder than they’ve been.

“You sound so pretty.” Sam whispers in your ear before kissing down your neck. He groans lowly, “I want to get you off before I do, okay?”

“Okay.” You breathe out, “Fuck.”

He thrust a little bit faster, still holding your hand in his. He reaches down with his other hand, pulling your arm away from his and holding your other hand.

He pins it by your head, forehead on yours, “I can’t get over you.” He whispers lowly, a moan following his words.

You smile slightly, brows furrowing as you feel an intense pleasure building up in your stomach, “I-I think I’m close.”

He nods, “Whenever you want, sweetheart.” Sam kisses your lips and you moan into his mouth, “Shit. Shit.”

You tighten your leg around his waist, bringing the other one up to lock around him. Your eyes roll shut as your back lifts off the bed and you squeeze his cock.

You drag your moan out, “Fuuuck.”

“That’s it baby. Cum for me.” Sam encourages, “That’s my girl.” He lets go of your one hand to brush hair from your face, “So fucking beautiful.”

Your chest rises and falls quickly as you come down, Sam not too far behind you.

His throws slow down, almost to a completely stop and you feel him twitch inside of you. He presses kisses over your face, “You okay?”

You nod, laying your hands on his cheeks, “I’m wonderful, baby.”

He smiles, “Alright, I’m gonna..” he nods down and you brace yourself before he slowly pulls out. He gets up, walking over to your bathroom to discard the condom and to grab a towel for you to clean up with.

You toss the towel down and turn back slightly to move the covers of the bed down. You move up and slide your legs under them, “Are you staying the night?”

You look up at him with a smile and he smiles, “You know it.”

He walks over to you, sliding in beside you and pulling the blankets up around you both. You snuggle into his chest, letting out a content sigh, “I definitely believe now, that this is the way it was to happen for me.”

Sam rubs your back as he smiles, “You think?” He looks down at you and you look up at him, “I know.”

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I hope you enjoyed! I think this is one of my favorite Sam one shots that’s I’ve written so far.

As usual, let me know what you thought and thanks for reading! 🖤

Likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated! 🖤

[alexsoenomel]

The Reveries Of My Mind (Dean Winchester x Reader fluff/smut)

Summary: What happens when you discover you can feel someone's torment and struggles through an unexplainable bond?

"Your struggles are mine. Your sadness is mine. You're mine."

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI , vanilla sex, dreams about the reader dying --not too graphic , first person fic

Word count: 6.7k

Note: I took my time with this one. I really like it. I've been struggling to write for so long it feels good to be back. Enjoy!

Like/ reblog or both if you like it :)

And a huge thank you to my wonderful beautiful best friend @ambergoddess444​ for being the best beta reader <3

I’m gonna kill him. 

I heard Sam’s voice echo in my mind as I was eating my pancakes. I looked at Dean who was stuffing his face with eggs and bacon, not really paying attention to Sam’s resting bitch face.��

STOP CHEWING SO LOUD FOR THE LOVE OF CHUCK!

I heard him again and almost choked on my milk. 

“What?” Sam asked. 

“Oh, nothing,” I answered. 

Dean just glanced at me and continued eating his breakfast. 

It was Sunday and luck was on our side because we couldn't find a case. This would happen once in a blue moon so we were quite content with having a day off. Monsters sometimes sleep.

After breakfast Sam said he was going to go and catch up on some reading while Dean and I were left alone. 

“Can I borrow Baby?” I asked, since it was July and summer was in full swing in Kansas. I wanted to forget about my job – about hunting – I wanted to go outside and feel the summer breeze in my hair in his beautiful Impala. I already knew his answer as soon as I saw his brow arch. He was very protective over his Baby; only allowed me to drive once after I begged him for my birthday. 

Absolutely not. 

“Why?” 

I crossed my arms, my lips thinned. 

“Why ask when you already gave me your answer?” 

Dean raised his eyebrows, eyes widened as we were sitting at the table opposite of each other. 

“I keep forgetting you can do that,” he said, looking away from me. 

“You keep forgetting about your mental shield,” I told him as I went to the kitchen to get myself some coffee. 

I didn't realize Dean was following me until I heard his voice. 

“I can't just sit in silence and breathe while I think about nothing.” 

“You mean to meditate?” I chuckled.

“Yeah…that.” 

I took a sip of hot coffee Sam made after breakfast and turned around to face him. 

“You have to strengthen your shield, Dean.” 

“There has to be another way,” he said desperately as he poured coffee into his black mug. 

“No there isn't, I told you. Everyone has a mental shield, but the reason why I can hear people's thoughts 99% of the time is because their shield is not strong enough. And how do you strengthen your shield? You shut up and meditate. Focus on it and build it.” 

Dean wasn't pleased as he took another sip of his coffee. 

“Sam meditates, can you still hear his thoughts?” 

“I can, because it takes years to actually strengthen the damn shield and he started meditating six months ago.” 

He just rolled his eyes as we went back to the library. 

“I don't want you in my head,” he stated. 

“I cannot help it, dumbass. Can I take the car or not?” 

Dean took the keys out of his pocket and dangled them in front of my face. I tried to take them but he refused to give them to me. 

Typical.

“I'm driving,” he told me with a smirk. 

***

“Where do you want to go?” He asked me as I closed the car door. 

“I don't have any particular destination in mind. I just wanted to drive around and listen to music.” 

Dean gave me a soft smile before starting the engine. Baby was purring – I could never get tired of that sound; it was smooth and powerful – no wonder he was so protective of her. The car held memories, sacred moments and was filled with stories – good and bad. 

“Sounds like a plan,” and with those words we were off. 

We were on the main highway, heading to God knows where. Dean, of course being the driver, was controlling the music as well. 

Dream On by Aerosmith was playing. I loved that song, but I was in the mood for Van Halen. 

Driver picks the music. Shot-

“Shotgun what?” I smirked, glancing at him. I saw he gripped the wheel tighter and licked his lips.

“God, I hate when you do that,” he said. I chuckled. 

Front windows were down, summer breeze in my face and hair gently caressing me as Crazy Train started playing. Ozzy was too chaotic for this drive. As much as I loved his songs I wanted something to ease my mind and not encourage my body to produce adrenaline. I dared to change the song. 

Don't Fear The Reaper by Blue Öyster Cult. 

Much better.

“Hey, I was listening to that,” Dean of course complained. 

“Well not anymore,” I told him as I showed him a middle finger.  

A chuckle left his lips before he spoke.

“Wanna grab a few drinks?” 

“Dean I don't wanna get drunk at” – I looked at my phone to check the time – “11am.”

“You don't have to do anything you don’t wanna do. We can buy a few beers and go to our favorite hiding spot. If I get too drunk maybe, maybe I'll let you drive.” 

I couldn't believe what I just heard. My heart was racing from excitement. Sam was always the designated driver; Dean would sometimes drive drunk without us noticing. I know that because he admitted that…while we were drinking after a successful hunt. 

“Really?” I played skeptical; part of me was. “You're not afraid I'll crash your beloved car?”

“If you do, I'll kill you,” he looked at me and gave me a flat smile. 

Fair enough.

“Well okay.” 

She won't crash my car.

Well I think she won’t. 

I hope she won’t.

I didn't say anything, just stared at the trees blurred on my right side as we passed by; absorbing the warmth and sunshine in my face. 

It's My Life By Bon Jovi started playing. 

Perfect.  

Dean bought a couple of beers and some Slim Jims at the first gas station just before his favorite hiding spot. 

The hiding spot was an abandoned house we found a few months ago when we were hunting a vampire nest. It was an old cabin in the middle of nowhere, a few miles away from the main road. After exterminating the nest, we started coming there every once in a while to relax and get away from everything that made us hunters. Sam completely forgot about that place but Dean and I would occasionally go, mainly at night to get away from the bunker’s haunting reminder of the life we were living. There we were just regular folk, drinking and having fun. The house was dusty and old, but dear to us, like a portal to a regular life and what we desperately wanted, but could never have. 

As we were approaching the house I couldn’t ignore the strong sense of serenity coming from Dean. His mind was at ease, no racing thoughts, no sorrow he would usually carry within himself – he was happy. I’ve never told him about that; I know he would probably freak out – yell even – so I kept my mouth shut. I would be lying if I said it didn't freak me out as well. Every emotion he would feel, I would feel too and sometimes even twice as strong. It was like a bond of some sort; an invisible string connecting us and letting me see and feel every inch of his mind. I would wake up whenever he couldn’t sleep, I’d laugh whenever he’d laughed and I would get angry whenever he’d get angry…I felt everything and it was driving me insane not being able to talk to him about it, because it was only him I’d felt connected to.

I smiled at him when he turned off the engine, feeling the warmth in his soul. I got out of the car and stretched my legs, inhaling fresh summer air and soaking in the sunshine on my skin. 

“Let’s have a picnic,” I suggested, “I don’t wanna go inside. The weather is beautiful.” 

“A picnic? Here?” He asked, looking around. Nothing but endless grass fields around us; the highway was peeking through the greenery but we could barely see it anymore.

“You will be fine, princess,” I chuckled, “Besides it’s good to connect with mother nature every once and a while.” 

Forest nymph. 

He started calling me that when I told him about my love and admiration for nature and my passion for hiking and exploring woods. He told me no sane person loves hiking, but his younger brother understood. Now, occasionally I’d go hiking with Sam. 

I ignored his thought, even though I wanted to tell him we weren’t in a forest, and found a perfect spot next to the house and sat down. He rolled his eyes and joined me. 

Dean cracked two bottles and I opened one of my favorite honey BBQ Slim Jims and took a first bite. I loved the smooth texture and a light honey flavor mixed with BBQ aroma in my mouth. 

“Cheers!” He said lifting his bottle for a toast. 

“Cheers, for not dying!” 

He chuckled. 

“For not dying!”

One beer…

Two beers later we were both feeling the consequences of our own actions. I was tipsy due to my low alcohol tolerance while Dean seemed sober but was far from it. He had a strange gift – being able to fake sobriety. He had been doing it for years and now seeing him behaving like a drunken fool looked strange and unfamiliar. 

He was looking at me; green eyes sparkling under the sun making me wonder if he and I were ever meant for something more. I was in love with the idea of being in love with him but it scared me more than death which I had experienced a couple of times. He was my best friend, my annoying best friend with a heart of gold and a shadow he wanted to remain hidden.

We stayed for hours, soaking in the sunshine and summer heat while reliving old memories and wondering if this life we had was worth it. We soon realized, it was. 

“We still get to experience this,” I stated, showing him a butterfly that flew in that moment right in front of me.

“Butterflies?” He wondered, tilting his head a little in confusion.

“Nature, dumbass,” I smiled, “And other small pleasures, music, alcohol, food…and also knowing the world is less shitty because of us.”

He nodded in a silent agreement before hearing him call me forest nymph again. His warm green eyes fixed on me, making me a bit nervous. He didn't say a word.

“What?” I finally asked him. 

His right hand went into the pocket of his jeans and he pulled out his car keys.

“You can drive,” he told me and gave me the keys. 

***

When we came back home safely, since I didn’t crash his precious car, Sam was still in his room, probably reading and Dean decided to take a nap since naps weren’t a regular occurrence in our household. 

I decided to continue the book I started a couple of weeks ago. I missed being able to read books I wanted, and not just ones for research purposes. I could still feel him. He was content. I smiled and opened my book. 

An hour into the book and a picture flashed right in front of my eyes. I saw blood, so much blood on the sidewalk. Hairs on my arms rose as another frame appeared: it was a girl lying face down, head bludgeoned. A wave of fear rushed over me as I closed my book, not being able to simply ignore it. I knew exactly what this was – Dean’s nightmares – I knew exactly who this was. 

Another flash. His hands, covered in blood. He was trying to wake me up. He was calling my name over and over again like a prayer of despair, but I didn’t wake up; I didn’t move an inch.

Usually I would ignore his nightmares; I was too afraid to say anything, afraid of his reaction and not being able to give him a good explanation, but my silence was killing me. Something told me – maybe it was intuition or my impulsiveness, or both –  I had to wake him up.

Quickly I got out of my bed and rushed to his room. His jaw was clenched, his body seemed stiff under the white sheet that covered him just below his chin. I could hear quiet moans coming from him as another picture appeared right in front of me – he was on his knees, holding me tight, eyes bloodshot red and filled with tears…My heart broke in a second before I closed my eyes, trying to make it go away. As I approached him I could see his eyes fluttering rapidly beneath his closed eyelids, his forehead glistening with a faint sheen of sweat…I had to wake him up.

“Dean?” I whispered and sat next to him. A whimper escaped his lips. 

“Dean?” I called his name again, this time a little bit louder and with a hand on his cheek. He was warm. 

“Dean, wake up!” I could feel his shock as he shot his eyes open, taking a deep breath like he forgot how to breathe, shivers running through him – I could feel them all over my skin. 

He took in his familiar surroundings before he looked at me. 

“You had a nightmare,” I told him. 

“Yeah, a really bad one,” he simply added, pinching the bridge of his nose. A headache started to settle as he got up and went to the bathroom to splash himself with cold water. He was only wearing black boxers and it wasn’t like I have never seen him shirtless, it was the fact that every time I did, I had to tell myself not to stare like a Victorian man seeing ankles for the first time. 

I swallowed thickly without saying a word.

I have to tell him. I repeated that sentence over and over again. I have to tell him he deserves to know. 

When he came back my eyes registered his bulge for a second before looking up. I was praying he didn’t notice. 

“Are you okay?” I asked. 

“Yeah, so much for napping,” he lied and started putting on his blue jeans. I knew he was lying, he would always lie and repress his emotions and needs. I knew he was exhausted. Those nightmares had been happening for a week straight; the exhaustion showing on his face in a form of dark circles; the once lively features now appeared subdued; eyes dimmed. 

“I saw it,” I utter these three words without much thought. 

“What?” He was about to button his red flannel, stopping mid through.  

“I saw your nightmare, you have been having the same nightmare for a week now.” 

I refused to look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me as he took my words in. I could feel a slight sting in my chest coming from him – shock.

“You can read minds AND see people’s nightmares?”

“Not people’s; yours. It only happens with you, I wake up every time you have a nightmare, I feel every emotion you feel,” – I took a deep breath before I continued; I knew him well enough to know he hated secrets, even though he was a damn hypocrite and had his own – “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to freak you out. I cannot control it, trust me I tried, but I can’t. It has been happening for a while and-” 

His eyes once trusting shited and now held a hint of disappointment, his jaw clenched. Anger.

Anger and disappointment. 

“For how long?” His deep voice echoed in my ears as he cut my frantic explanation short.

I froze. I knew this question was coming. I knew right there that keeping this thing a secret was a mistake. I couldn’t answer it. I couldn’t…

“For how long (Y/N)?” He demanded crossing his arms. I didn’t like the sound of my name when he was angry.

I stood up, barely feeling my legs before I answered: “A year.” 

“Does Sam know?” The next question came out less angrily, his voice softer than seconds ago. 

“No.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. It started as just me feeling whenever you were happy, it was hard to recognise it at first, I thought it was my happiness and then it progressed to other emotions like fear, anger and sadness and after that I started seeing your dreams. I didn’t tell Sam because I wasn’t sure what was happening.” 

“And you didn’t tell me because…?” He asked like I hadn’t given him the answer. 

“I told you I didn’t want to freak you out. It feels like I’m invading your privacy.”

He scoffed.

“No shit Sherlock!” 

His eyes widened before he spoke again: “Wait, so that means you can feel whenever I get horny?” 

I chuckled. “No, because being horny isn’t an emotion, Dean. It’s a state.”

“Oh thank God,” he expressed his relief. 

“I do feel the sudden rush of endorphins and happy hormones every time you come though,” at this point I had nothing to hide, especially when I could feel his anger subsiding. It wasn’t like him to just ignore something that made him angry, but for whatever reason he was over it. Now he was mortified. 

“Oh God!” He said and opened the door of his room. “SAMMY! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE WE HAVE SOME RESEARCH TO DO!” 

I swallowed a laugh before he turned around. 

“We're gonna get to the bottom of this!” 

***

Sam was genuinely surprised when I told him about the bond. He would usually try to find an explanation or guess what it was; this time he was silent. No logical explanation, no guessing, no nothing…

“Well that’s something I have never heard off,” he just told you and went to the library to try and find some books about…

Mind reading?

Bonds?

“I don’t even know what I’m looking for,” he said, looking at the spines of old books on the shelves. 

“You’re telling me,” Dean agreed. 

“It’s not like I’m a monster with abilities.” 

My statement was enough to light a bulb in Sam’s head: “Yes but…” – he went to the second shelf behind you, like he knew what he was looking for – “You’re something else.” 

Dean and I looked at each other in confusion before Sam pulled a book from the shelf. 

“Indigo children?” I read the covers. 

“Huh?” Of course Dean had no idea. 

“I mean it makes sense, you said you were always highly empathetic, ever since you were a kid right?” 

“Yes,” I nodded as he was flipping the pages trying to find a specific chapter. The book was annotated but it wasn’t his handwriting. 

“Also you started reading minds when you were 7?”

“Well kinda.”

“Before that it was like a guessing game, you just knew?”

“Sort of.” 

Chapter 54. Abilities. 

Indigo children are children who are believed to possess special, unusual, and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities. 

“I have been on this Earth for how long and I’ve never connected the dots,” I said, admiring my own stupidity and inability to dig deeper. I was never curious enough to find an explanation for my ability; never cared enough to think about it too deeply; when I started living with Sam and Dean five years ago I told them right away what I could do. They first thought I was Azazel’s long lost special kid, the one that was lucky enough to somehow hide in the shadows back when Azazel was still alive, but that wasn’t the case. My parents were killed by a vampire and I’d never met Azazel; I didn’t even know he existed until they told me. I only knew regular black eyed demons. 

“So, you were a gifted kid? That still doesn’t explain your ability to do what you have been doing for a year,” Dean scoffed. 

Who names gifted kids indigo kids? Seriously?!

You chuckled. 

“Wait, you have been able to do that for a year?” You heard Sam, your eyes still on the book, trying to find something, anything that would indicate the existence of the said bond. 

“Yes, why?” 

“Go to chapter 55,” he told me. I flipped a few pages until I saw: Chapter 55, Soulmate bonds.

An Indigo child can stumble upon an unprecedented neural synchronization when encountering their soulmate. This synchronization extends beyond telepathic communication, as it involves the transmission and reception of emotional states and dream imagery, resulting in an intimate sharing of thoughts, feelings, and subconscious experiences. Although very rare, it is possible for an Indigo child’s soulmate to be mortal, with no supernatural abilities. If an Indigo child does encounter their soulmate the bond can snap into place usually after 4 or 5 years (one case showed it can also happen after six months). 

“I read this book before we met so it never crossed my mind,” I heard Sam say as I was absorbing the information. I’d known him for five years…

Five years…

It made sense.

As I was reading the first chapter out loud Dean’s wave of shock made my heart beat faster as Sam went to the kitchen to get some booze. It was like he read my mind. I have never heard of his bond. As much as I loved the idea of Dean being mine, I knew he came with tons of baggage, untreated alcoholism, and rage so immense it made my stomach turn. I was no better though just with less intensity and alcoholism. 

That’s bullshit. 

My heart broke hearing these words, but I finally got the courage to look at him, and for the first time his face was unreadable. He was silent. And then he just left.

Sam came back with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and three classes in the other. 

“Where’s Dean?” 

“He left…to process, I guess,” I said before hearing Dean slamming the front door. 

Sam, knowing me too well, didn’t say anything and just poured me a glass of Dean’s fine whiskey. I took a sip feeling a sweet burn down my throat. We were silent for a while, my words buried deep in my mind; struggling to articulate my thoughts as if I had any at that moment. 

“How do you feel about all of this?” Sam finally spoke, breaking the pleasant silence. 

A lump formed in my throat as I tried to blink back tears. I cleared my throat and took another sip. 

“I think…I’m scared to tell him he already has me wrapped around his finger with or without the stupid bond,” my answer was honest. I was scared – terrified of crossing the boundary; breaking the only rule I had: no long term relationships. Anything more than a friendship with Dean would end catastrophically; I was aware of that and yet I still secretly hoped. I wanted him to want me, I wanted him to look at me and see a safe space; I wanted him so painfully to see me and think: “She’s worth it.” 

“Oh he knows, he's just being a dick about it,” Sam’s bluntness surfaced as he drank his glass of whiskey. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, not really following him. 

He knows?

“You two have something I’ve only experienced once in my life and yet you refuse to acknowledge it.” 

My forehead creased as I subtly tilted my head in confusion. Then I heard Sam’s voice in my head as he looked at me with a soft smile on his face.

Jessica…

“Oh…” was all I could say.

“Yeah, he was scared before, now he’s probably terrified. Talk to him when he gets back.” 

“So he can reject me? And probably tell me to move out? Even if he feels the same, I know Dean, and he would rather give up alcohol for the rest of his life than talk about his feelings.”

Sam snorted and nodded silently agreeing with me. 

“Trust me. He won’t reject you. He’s my brother, I know him a little bit better than you do.” 

***

Dean was gone for hours it seemed. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, about the bond, so I did what any sane hunter would do – I repressed my thoughts with more whiskey and drowned myself in more research with Sam. The more I drank it felt like I became more sober. 

I wanted to know more about this soulmate bond. I wanted to know if there was any other way for people to block me from entering their minds besides strengthening the mental shield. 

“I’ve never asked you, how did you find out about the shield anyway?” Sam asked me behind his laptop while I was trying to find books about telepathy. 

“A witch told me,” I stated behind bookshelves, “When my parents died I let it control me, I couldn’t stand it, I could hear every single person I came in contact with and it was driving me nuts. So, I found a witch, a good one, and she helped me control it and told me about the shield since she was the first person I couldn’t tap into.” 

I remember her fondly. Her white crow would sometimes appear, to let me know she was alive and I would visit her every year on her birthday in winter. I would tell the Winchesters I was seeing an old friend; without adding too much detail, since I knew Dean’s hatred of witches far too well. 

“Good witches exist?”

“Oh yeah, she’s wonderful.” 

There wasn’t any other way for other people to shield their minds from me, sadly.

“Oh but I think I found something,” Sam told me and turned his laptop towards me. I read the short paragraph and looked at him.

“I can do that?” 

“You can try.” 

***

 Dean was still gone by the time we decided to take a break from research. Sam decided to go for a walk before bed while I went to my room to try and contact Dean through the bond. The article Sam found stated it was possible to contact your soulmate if you focused all of your energy on them. 

I have no idea what I’m doing. 

I laid on my bed and closed my eyes, picturing Dean standing right in front of me. Even in my mind he made me nervous. His aura was so captivating and stoic; you couldn’t forget him even if you tried. His name escaped my lips a few times, eyes still closed, but all I could hear was dead silence.His face still engraved in my mind, I studied his features: his smile lines, beautiful kissable lips, his perfect nose, freckles…

Dean? I called. 

(Y/N), what the hell?

He heard me. I could feel my feet going cold as my body went numb. My heart was in my throat. 

I’ll explain later! Please come home, I wanna talk to you.

In a second, my mind lost focus as I became more aware of my nervousness and he was gone. I couldn’t see him anymore. 

“Crap!” I uttered in frustration and decided to text him. 

Please come home.

***

I heard his footsteps thirty minutes later. I was ready for the worst; I was ready for Dean to tell me to leave; I was ready for all of it to end. 

I heard him knock seconds later.

“You there?”

“Come in!” 

He closed the door behind him. I was in the middle of trying to read my book, emphasis on trying, since the nervousness turned into full blown anxiety and I couldn’t focus on anything but him. I put the book down as he sat on the bed. I was hit with a sudden smell of cigarettes and alcohol in my nostrils. He probably went to a bar. 

“How did you do that?” He asked, this time looking me dead in the eyes. His gaze wasn’t soft – I couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated – his eyes bore into mine with such seriousness I’d only seen a handful of times. 

“I did some research with Sam. The bond allows us to communicate telepathically.” 

“I-I can also do that?” 

“If you concentrate hard enough, yeah.” 

An astounded chuckle was all I heard. And then:

This is crazy.

I know.

His lips parted slightly once he realized he could hear me. I on the other hand didn’t want him to hear me, but looking at him, seeing the evident worry and fear in his green eyes, I couldn’t control it. It became natural.

“Where were you?” I asked and boldly decided to sit next to him. 

“Went to our favorite hiding spot to think. When thinking became too much, I went to a bar and had a couple of drinks.” 

“And? What are your thoughts?” 

His hand gently found mine, intertwining his fingers with mine. I wasn’t sure if I was breathing at that moment. I could feel my cheeks burning as he pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead. 

“I feel like ignoring how I feel about you just made everything worse.”

I’m terrified. 

I ignored it and focused on his actual voice. “And I feel like this bond slapped me in the face.” 

“You and me both,” I smiled. 

Sam was right after all. I didn’t know what else to say but all I could think about was pressing my lips against his. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but my body refused to cooperate with my mind. 

I didn’t need to kiss him first, because his lips found mine in a matter of seconds. The kiss was gentle, warm; his lips perfectly pressed against mine. I opened my mouth letting him know he could explore it with his tongue and he was happy to do so. A whine escaped my lips when he broke the kiss. 

“I heard you,” he smirked. 

Please stay with me. My mind yelled. 

“I will,” he heard me. Again. 

***

Dean went to get ready for bed and so did I. It was already 11pm, Sam was long gone, snoring in his room after a long walk and I went to take a shower. 

It will probably happen.

Maybe it won’t?

Maybe we will just cuddle and sleep?

Yeah right.

Why am I so nervous?

I’m nervous because the last time I was in love with someone he left me for a girl named Karen. 

In high school.

Crap. 

My thoughts were racing as I was washing myself and getting ready to spend the night with him. I put on my shirt and a pair of clean underwear before brushing my teeth. I turned off the lights and went under the covers. Somehow it was always cold in my room, no matter the season. I focused on my soft pillow and how it felt against my cheek as I turned on my side. That lasted maybe two seconds as my mind kept drifting and wondering what was coming next. The thought of him pressed against me made me excited; his lips on my neck, hands on my hips…

I didn’t even realize I was rubbing my thighs together, desperately seeking some form of release. Thank God I was tired, a few moments later I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and my body finally relaxing. I wondered where Dean was as I started drifting and soon enough I got my answer. 

He would always take long showers; so I wasn’t surprised when he came 15 minutes later. He found me peacefully drifting between realms of reality and dreams, and with his hands wrapped around me pulled me back to reality – to him. My back pressed against him; we stayed like this, as my patience was running low and I could feel myself getting wet. 

He was melting any sense of restraint I had and even with nervousness practically suffocating me, I turned around and snuggled against him, his chin resting on top of my head. He was warm; skin soft as I took a deep breath to breathe in his scent – forest after rain and him. 

“Did you know?” I whispered into him.

“Huh? What?” His deep raspy voice so close to ears made me shiver. 

“Did you know that I have feelings for you?” 

Sam said he did, but I wanted to hear from him. 

“I suspected it, but refused to believe it. Until Sam confirmed it.” 

“How did Sam know? I’ve never told him.” I said and lifted my head to look at him. It was dark, but I could still see the outlines of his face – he smiled at me. 

“He told me you get smiling eyes when we are together. I didn’t really know what he meant until we took down that vampire nest back in Austin. I told you, you were an idiot for trying to take down a whole damn nest by yourself and you kept looking at me with those dove lookin’ eyes.” 

I smiled. I remembered that. It was a few months ago and I was indeed an idiot. He and Sam almost died and I had to do something. I was reckless and instead of coming up with a plan I let my machete go wild. 

“Well it’s not my fault you’re hot when you’re angry.” 

I could feel his smirk before I kissed him, this time cupping his cheek with my hand. He immediately kissed back, pulling me closer to him like that was even possible. This time, one kiss turned into another and another. We both didn't want to pull away; his hands hesitantly started roaming under my shirt, instantaneously sending shivers all over my body. I took his hands, breaking the kiss.

“Touch me. I'm yours,” I whispered before kissing him again, not being able to get enough. I could feel his little smirk against my lips as he tugged on my shirt trying to take it off. I took it off and in seconds he took his. My mind was focused on him and only him as I felt his soft skin under my fingertips. 

You're going to be the death of me. 

Likewise, sweetheart.

This time I smiled between kisses. I liked that nickname, I couldn’t wait to actually hear it out loud. He wasted no time before he pushed me onto the bed and straddle me; his lips not leaving mine. We were like two addicts; we couldn't stop; we didn't want to stop. He pressed his hips on mine and I could feel him, pressed against my wet center. A soft moan escaped my lips as my fingers tugged on his damp hair. He moved his lips on my neck, while his hand found my center. A light brush was enough to make me moan his name. I was so sensitive, so vulnerable underneath him; he was consuming every reverie of my mind. 

I was growing impatient, but he knew that, and now I couldn't hide anything from him anymore. The bond was stronger now, we didn't even have to try to communicate with one another; it was like breathing. 

I lowered his boxers as much as I could and wrapped my hand around his hard dick, earning a groan from him. I pumped him a few times, as my impatience became his. He kissed me before standing on his knees and took my panties off. He stopped for a second.

Adoration – I could feel it through the bond. He was making me blush in the dark; my cheeks growing warm. 

You're so beautiful.

Before I could answer him, he positioned himself between my legs and slowly entered me, stretching me nice and slow; his lips found mine again as he swallowed my gasp and slowly started to move. My legs wrapped around his hips, wanting more, more and more…

I was about to get drunk and see stars. My hands were around his neck before I cupped his face. He broke the kiss when we both couldn't breathe, biting my shoulder lightly, his pace becoming faster. 

My mind only knew his name as I was chanting it over and over again, like a sweet prayer. He nuzzled his head in my neck, kissing it sloppily. 

“You feel so good, sweetheart,” he whispered in my ear. 

I was in a complete haze, unable to muster anything but his name. 

His nose resting on my cheek, he placed a soft kiss only to swallow my moans once more, as we both started to fall apart. 

“Dean, I-,” I wasn't able to speak, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach and I could tell, feel, he wasn't going to last much longer. 

“I know, baby. I know. I can feel it,” he said and I wasn't sure if he could feel it through the bond or if my body was telling him – or both. 

My moans became desperate; with that voice Dean could make me do whatever his little heart desired. 

We came in sync, eyes locked and growing breathless. He couldn't keep my name out of his mouth and I didn't want him to. When he pulled out and laid next to me we were both panting and growing sleepier. I lazily moved closer to him, kissing his shoulder as he immediately wrapped his hand around my torso and pulled me close. 

“And you thought we'd just cuddle,” he chuckled. 

I raised my head to look at him.

“You heard me?” 

“Yeah, we have to figure out how to not hear each other's thoughts all the time.”

“Well…” I started and he just shot me a death glare.

“I ain't meditating.”

I cupped his face, squeezing his cheeks lightly making his lips pout. 

“Fine,” I said and gave him a pack on the lips, “we will find another way.”

“Thank you.” 

I stayed in his arms until we both fell asleep. He played with my hair and I drew small circles on his chest. He asked me about the research – what I found, what I didn't – asked me about us.

“If it's meant to be it's meant to be,” my eyelids grew heavy as I mumbled the words and drifted to sleep. 

Dean kissed my forehead and closed his eyes.

***

I could feel Dean’s hands pulling me closer to him, his fingers digging into my flesh as my ears heard him say my name in a form of whisper. I lazily opened my eyes not knowing if he was awake or not. His fingers dug into my stomach as he repeatedly called me in a frantic tone. 

He’s dreaming.

“Dean?” I turned around and even in complete darkness my eyes registered his clenched jaw, while my body felt the stiffness of his. 

“Dean?” I repeated again and nuzzled my head under his chin and placed a gentle kiss on his neck. I knew what he was dreaming about – I was dying again and he was trying to save me. 

Dean, baby wake up!

I told him through the bond as I stroked his soft hedgehog-like hair. I could sense the fear lingering within him as his eyes shot open, his breathing came in uneven gasps and his chest was rising and falling frantically. I wrapped my hand around his torso and embraced him in a tight hug as the weight of the nightmare still lingered. 

“I’m here,” I repeated a couple of times, giving him the reassurance I knew he needed. 

“It’s just a dream, Dean.”

His breathing became stable again. 

“You died,” eventually he told me. The fear was gone and replaced with sadness – sadness so somber and heavy I only felt once when Charlie died. 

“No, I didn’t. I’m here,” I told him and placed his hand on my chest. 

“I’m right here,” I said before kissing him. A sigh of relief left his lips. 

“I feel like I’m gonna lose it…the same dream over and over.”

He was desperate, so desperate for answers it made my soul ache, but I knew this wasn’t the time. 

“I know, and we will figure it out. Sleep baby, I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered before kissing him lovingly. His hand found my cheek as I broke the kiss resting my forehead against his.

“Your struggles are mine. Your sadness is mine. You're mine,” I told him as my legs intertwined with his. My hand was on his chest, feeling his heart beating faster. Something was traveling through the bond, something lovely and warm I could only describe it as love. Suddenly I heard it; a whisper traveling through the bond: I love you, before he kissed me again.

I love you too.

Tagged: @lacilou , @littlemadamred , @girls-alias , @captainannatheweirdo , @nancymcl

[copperbadge]

would you mind talking a little about enjoying traveling solo? I've always wanted to explore, but so many people paint traveling as this group activity, and I've always felt bad not having friends to do it with

My god, how much time do we have?

So, I could indulge in a little free therapy here and talk about some fucked-up experiences of travel I had as a child, but that's not really applicable, so...let's leave it at the fact that until I was out on my own, I didn't get to pick what happened to me on trips. I do often travel with my friends, who are always up to do the dumb shit I concoct for us, but any travel with another person involves compromise, and sometimes I just don't want to compromise, or to irritate my friends. Even though I know they probably won't be, I still worry they will, and sometimes I don't want to worry.

I also never internalized the idea that doing things alone was sad or weird. It's a social cue that I completely missed. The first time a friend of mine randomly came across me eating alone in a restaurant in college, she said, "Sam, why are you eating alone?" and I said, baffled, "Because I wanted dinner?"

I was twenty years old before it occurred to me that other people would feel strange eating alone in a restaurant, and then only because she told me she'd be too self-conscious. I was thirty before I realized most people would be self-conscious traveling alone, something I'd been doing since I was seventeen. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with other people -- some people love company or are nervous traveling alone or just plain don't get the appeal, and that's entirely fine.

But I love knowing that everything I do is for me alone. I can go to the weird museum or check out the odd store or do strange secret things to delight myself and never worry that I'm making life unpleasant for someone. I can be as selfish as I want. That's very rare for me and very precious. Also why I will probably never have a permanent romantic partner, but that's also free therapy for some other time.

The truth is, when you are alone, nobody actually knows that. Yes, if you're the only person at your table in a restaurant you're obviously alone, but nobody knows you aren't just getting a bite to eat before meeting up with your many cool friends. I don't look at anyone I see out in the world and go "Oh sad sack, look at them without anyone to hang out with." I think most of us worry everyone is saying that, and none of us actually are saying that.

And when I have been asked if I'm with someone and said, "Oh, I'm traveling on my own", people universally react with envy. "That must be amazing. I couldn't do it," or "I've never gone on a trip by myself, is it fun?" I've never had anyone say or imply that I'm a loser who couldn't find someone else to travel with. Quite the reverse.

Recently I had the thought that if I was more afraid of being alone I would probably have more intimate friendships or at any rate a much wider social circle, because I would need someone else to go with me on adventures and I would have to internalize the idea that it's okay to inconvenience or bore someone else at times, which I never really have. But that's kind of a tautology; "if I was less okay being alone I'd be less alone" is cyclical reasoning, when the truth is I'm someone who is a little fucked up about other people but also just genuinely enjoys solitude.

I love my friends, and I try very hard to form strong bonds with them despite that being really hard for me. I do get lonely, and I spend more time alone than is probably good for me. I get very anxious before solo trips. But I will also always need times when I am alone and only ever have to worry about myself. And once I'm launched on the trip I fucking love it. There are very few joys to rival walking out early in the morning into a strange city and knowing that the day and the city are both yours and yours alone.

Also sometimes I pretend I'm a spy, or an art historian on the trail of a stolen painting, or an academic writing a very important book. That's fun as hell.

Anyway, even when I do travel alone my friends are only a text message away, and I get to see cool stuff that I bring back to my room at night and share with all of you. I love sharing my adventures with you guys.

So yeah. My thesis is that nobody will even notice you're alone and if they do they'll probably think you're fucking cool for doing it, and meanwhile you get to do exactly what you want and nothing you don't. I think everyone should at least try it. You don't have to do a four-country trip through Europe for your first time out; you can just find something in another city that you want to see -- a museum or a zoo or a play or a cool burger joint -- book a trip, arrive Friday night and leave Sunday afternoon. And if it turns out you don't like traveling alone, that's okay too. There's no inherent moral virtue in being alone any more than there is in not wanting to be.

I just think it's super cool to sometimes go haring off on my own and do dumb shit. :D

[apocalypseornaw]

A Memory or Me (Pt 3/3)

Sam Winchester x Reader

You and Sam finally talk

You and the boys were in a motel in Corpus Christi Texas. You'd helped Garth wrap up a hunt in New Mexico a few days before and was actually without an active case. 

Sam had wanted two adjoining rooms but when the receptionist told you there was one room left you took it. At least it had two beds. 

“Sure you don't want Sam to share with you?” You asked Dean from where you sat cross legged in the center of one of the beds. You and him both had already showered and was just waiting for Sam to get out.

He'd been laying down but sat up at your words “Did something happen?” You shook your head and he didn't seem convinced “You've been acting off since we were at Bobby's. Now are you gonna tell me while it's just us or should I keep pushing until Sam joins us too?”

You shouldn't admit it to Dean, you knew that yet once he asked the truth spilled out of you “I love him Dean and I heard the two of you talking at Bobby's. He doesn't love me because I'm not soft and gentle. I can't compete with a ghost Dean. I won't” you tried not to let tears escape but when the first few fell Dean was on his feet pulling you up into a hug “Come on now Y/N. It's not like that I swear”

After a moment you pulled back to look up at him “He told her he loved her five months in. We're now at thirteen months. I never should've thought I could compete with a memory. I've tried to tone myself down, not be as much but it's not working. I can't keep doing this”

____________

About that time the bathroom door opened. You looked back to see Sam standing there looking between you and his brother “What's going on?” You could see a flash of possible jealousy in his she's until Dean dropped his arms from around you and said“She's upset. I was checking on her” 

Sam nodded and looked at you “Baby, why are you upset” “It's stupid” you tried but Dean cut his eyes at you “No its not”

You begged him with your eyes to let it go but instead he blurted out “She thinks you don't love her” Sam's eyes flicked from Dean to you so fast it was damn near comical “What?” 

“You two are gonna talk. I'm gonna go sleep in baby” Dean announced. “That's not fair to you” you told him trying to avoid the hurt you saw in Sam's eyes but he shook his head “No, you and Sam are the most important people to me. Figure it out I'll see you come morning”

You watched him walk out then turned back towards Sam. He motioned at the door “So are you gonna talk to me or just my older brother?” You took a deep breath “I know you don't love me because I'm not housewife material. I'm not Jess” “Is that what you think?”

You nodded feeling tears spring to your eyes. Damn you never cried like this. Sam was quickly in front of you pulling you into his arms “Don’t cry baby please”

You buried your face into his chest. You loved him so damn much it hurt “I love you Sam but I know I won't ever compare to Jess” he gently pulled you back from his chest and leaned down just enough to look you in the eyes “You're right. You're nothing like Jess” 

A few more tears slipped free of your eyes and he quickly brushed them away “But I don't want you to be like Jess. Yeah I loved her but not the way I love you and by the way I do love you Y/N. You make me so damn happy. After her, I thought I was done. That I'd never let anyone in ever again. But you...you walked right in without even knocking. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Yes you're a hurricane but I don't mean that badly. I mean you're strong, you're unpredictable, you're beautiful and deadly when pushed but you're gentle in your own way. How you help the vics after hunts, the way you make sure Bobby's house is clean and he has meals in the freezer any time we go through. The way you make sure me and Dean eat regularly and drink actual water sometimes. You're the perfect balance in this insane life of mine and you make it so much better. I love you please don't ever doubt that”

You knew he was being genuine from the look in his eyes. He was panicked that you wouldn't believe him and hurting that you'd thought that to begin with “Will you just kiss me Sam?” The smile that slipped onto his face was nothing short of gorgeous “Never think you have to ask me just tell me to kiss you” then he pulled you into a kiss. 

The next morning Sam was half asleep when he heard the door of the motel open and quickly pulled the blanket up over your bare body before glaring at Dean who stood in the doorway with a broad grin “I see you two made up” “Get out Dean” he warned but Dean simply laughed “I'm gonna go pick up breakfast”

The door shut behind Dean and Sam looked down to see you looking up at him “He's an ass but means well” he nodded “He's forgiven because once again he pushed us to where we need to be” you laughed lightly “One day He's gonna cash in on us owing him” Sam laughed and pulled you into a kiss “That's for another day. I love you” you smiled “I love you too. Now let's go grab a quick shower before he gets back with food”

@lacilou @fullbelieverheart @prettydeaneyes

[nox140497]

Healing love

Prompt: No

Request: No

Prompt Number: None

Summery: Y/N gets hurt and Sam takes care of her.

Pairings: Sam Golbach x Female Reader

Masterlist

Prompt List

_______________________________

Sam and Colby were so excited to film their newest YouTube video. They had been planning it for weeks and had spent hours scouting the perfect location. But just as they were about to start filming, Sam's phone rang. It was his girlfriend Y/N, and by the sound of her voice, he knew something was wrong.

"Hey babe, what's up?" Sam asked, trying to sound upbeat.

"Sam, I'm sorry to interrupt your filming, but I hurt myself pretty bad." Y/N's voice was shaky, and Sam's heart started racing.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Sam asked, concern lacing his voice.

"I fell while hiking, and I think I need stitches. I'm at the urgent care now." Y/N's voice started to crack, and Sam knew she was in pain.

"I'll be right there. Don't worry, I'll take care of you," Sam said, already packing up their filming equipment.

"Sammy, you don't have to do that. You were so excited about your video. I don't want to ruin it for you," Y/N said, trying to be understanding.

"Don't be silly. You're more important than any video. I'll be there in ten minutes," Sam reassured her before hanging up.

When Sam arrived at the urgent care, he found Y/N sitting in the waiting room with her leg wrapped in a makeshift bandage. She looked pale and scared, and Sam's heart twisted in his chest. He went over to her and enveloped her in a tight hug.

"Glad you're here," Y/N whispered, her head resting on his chest.

"Always," Sam replied, kissing her forehead.

They were soon called into the room, and the doctor confirmed that Y/N needed stitches. Sam sat next to her, holding her hand and whispering words of comfort as the doctor worked. Y/N's grip on his hand was tight, and Sam could feel her pain with each stitch. He couldn't help but feel guilty for not being with her when she fell.

After the doctor was done, he gave Y/N some pain medication and instructed her to rest for the next few days. Sam helped her into the car and drove her back to their apartment.

Once they were home, Sam made sure Y/N was comfortable before he went to the kitchen to prepare some food for her. He knew she hated taking painkillers and didn't want her to take them on an empty stomach. Sam then set up a comfortable spot for Y/N on the couch, with her favorite movies ready to watch.

"You're the best," Y/N said with a grateful smile as Sam handed her the food.

"I'm just glad you're okay," Sam replied, rubbing her back gently.

As they watched movies together, Y/N eventually dozed off, and Sam couldn't help but admire her even more. She was strong and brave, but she also had a vulnerable side that she only showed to him. Sam promised himself that he would always be there to take care of her, no matter what.

The next few days were spent with Sam taking care of Y/N. He made sure she took her medication, changed her bandages, and cooked all her meals. He even canceled their YouTube video and rescheduled it for when Y/N was feeling better. Colby was understanding and offered to help in any way he could.

Y/N's injury brought them even closer together. Sam realized how lucky he was to have such an amazing partner who supported him in everything he did. And Y/N knew she could always count on Sam to be there for her, no matter what.

As Y/N's leg healed, they finally filmed their YouTube video together. And it ended up being one of their most-watched videos, not because of the content, but because of the story behind it. Sam and Colby's viewers saw the love and care they had for Y/N, and it inspired many of them.

[lancermylove]

Hiiiii 😄! I noticed that you have opened your requests and I would like to ask you for some (platonic) headcanons of how the OM characters would react (all of them if possible) when they find out that MC is a girl with a very strong anemia (she usually has iron low) and what would they do when one day while they were taking a walk with MC she suddenly stops and tells them: "I'm sorry, but I need to sit down, I don't feel well at all, I'm getting very dizzy and I don't have strength... I feel like if I take just one more step I'm going to faint." I would like to read your headcanons about This is so I'm looking forward to it 🤗

If possible I would also like to ask the same for the boys and teachers (if you make headcanons of the teachers and Sam of course) from TWST

(obviously only do the requests if you feel comfortable)

Hi, anon! Since there are a lot of HCs for the boys combined, I will end up repeating myself quite a bit. That's why I turned it into a quick HC. ><

----

Initial Reaction:

Helps you sit down and asks what he can do to help you - Silver, Riddle, Belphie, Simeon, Raphael

Picks you up and carries you to the doctor without even asking what's wrong - Ace, Mammon, Beel, Diavolo

Panics and bombards you with tons of questions - Sebek, Deuce, Kalim, Levi, Luke

Hands you a water bottle and asks if you have the energy to tell him what is wrong. He wants to see how he can help you - Trey, Azul, Asmo

Thinks you are not taking care of yourself and wants to lecture you but saves it for another time - Leona, Thirteen, Mephistopheles

Sits down next to you and gently rubs your back, wondering what is wrong - Ruggie, Floyd

Could tell from your pale face that something was wrong and was waiting for you to tell him - Malleus, Lilia, Jamil, Rook, Satan

Doesn't know what to do or say, so he patiently waits for you to tell him if you need anything or tell him what's wrong - Epel, Idia

Is aware of your condition and carries your meds (if you take any) or is aware of what to do when you feel low - Vil, Cater, Ortho, Jade, Lucifer, Barbatos, Solomon

Aftermath:

Helps you take care of yourself in any way you need - Ruggie, Cater, Deuce, Kalim, Epel, Mammon, Simeon

Regulates your diet and makes sure you eat iron-rich foods - Vil, Asmo, Beel, Barbatos

Gives you a massive lecture for not taking care of yourself and carries you to the doctor to figure out a proper treatment plan - Sebek, Azul, Mephistopheles

Makes sure you rest as much as possible - Silver, Idia, Floyd, Belphie, Levi, Luke

If your anemia is created by stress/depression, he will try to help you cope with your stress/triggers - Lilia, Jamil, Jade, Lucifer, Satan

Hires a private nurse to follow you everywhere - Leona, Malleus, Diavolo

Moves into Ramshakle dorm to help you with chores and such so you can rest more, or asks you to move into his dorm - Riddle, Rook

Visits you daily (or sends you texts when he can't) to take your iron supplements and to ask how you are doing - Jack, Trey, Ace, Ortho, Solomon, Thirteen, Raphael

[scoobydoodean]

Anon I already addressed a lot of your message, but I also wanted to respond to the 2.02 part of your message more specifically. Tbh I didn't talk about this very specifically in my rewatch because I kind of feel like Sam projecting in 2.02 is a subject that has been beaten to death by fandom and I didn't really want to add to it if I'm being quite honest—especially because it quickly leads to samcrit hours for a lot of people in a way that I'm not really into believe it or not. But I wanted to respond specifically to what you wrote here:

Yes, Sam is expressing how he feels in season 2, but he isn't lashing out. He wants to express his grief to his brother, who he knows is also expressing grief. He doesn't realize his brother is expressing it in a different way than him, and interprets that as not expressing it at all. But he isn't lashing out and he isn't being malicious. Sam is trying to get Dean to talk to him, because that is how Sam needs to process his grief. He isn't displacing his aggression onto someone else. He's desperate for a connection. He's more begging than projecting at some point. And when it bubbles over, he admits how he is feeling to Dean based on an earlier conversation where Dean criticized Sam for how he was reacting to their father's death when Sam and John fought all of the time. Dean is angry because that is how Dean deals with grief, and in that conversation, he took it out on Sam. In the season 2 scene, Sam is admitting that yes, he and his dad always fought, and he feels terrible about it and is drowning in the too little too late. But he is desperate for his brother to let him in because that is the only connection he has left and Dean shutting down makes him afraid to lose that too. But he isn't lashing out or projecting. He is trying to communicate his needs but doing it less than stellarly.

First (clarification for any other readers) I've already clarified that I myself don't see Sam projecting as malicious.

Second, I think you reference a tag I used on my original post: projecting displaced aggression and scapegoating in spn. That is a tag for my tagging system. It's a blanket tag that I use when at least one of the words in the string applies to a situation, but not all have to apply.

Third, let's be clear about the sequence of events in 2.02:

Sam comes outside and asks if Dean is okay or if he needs anything.

Dean says he does not need anything, and calmly but plainly asks Sam to stop asking, because Sam has been asking Dean all week and Sam has not taken a hint.

Sam does not listen. Instead, he pushes forward, pointing out that Dean hasn't mentioned John all week.

Dean responds with a sarcastic remark that boils down to, "What the fuck do you want my grief to look like? What would you consider palatable?"

Sam explodes, yelling at Dean for patronizing him, accusing Dean of grieving wrong, and telling Dean how he should be grieving.

Dean says the anger and vengeance Sam wants from him is useless, and that the only thing he can do right now is work on the car.

As the episode continues:

Sam talks about wanting to hunt in John's memory twice after Dean wonders 1) why Sam wanted to go on a random hunt 2) Why Sam tells the carnival owner that he doesn't want normal. Dean pretends he has no thoughts about this.

Sam brings up a fond memory of John, and Dean says he remembers. 5 seconds later, Sam accuses Dean of "getting maudlin on him", and then he accuses Dean of playing the "strong and silent type"

Dean asks him firmly to leave him alone, and plainly says Sam is acting entitled to determine how Dean grieves.

Sam begins yelling at Dean again for not grieving right.

Dean shouts back at Sam that he is fine and tells Sam to stop dumping his issues on Dean.

Sam asks what Dean means.

Dean says Sam is having trouble dealing with John's death because of how things ended between the two of them and says Sam is projecting his inability to deal with John's death onto Dean.

At the end of the episode, Sam admits that Dean was right about what he was doing, but also says he knows Dean isn't actually okay.

That is the sequence of events.

He doesn't realize his brother is expressing it in a different way than him, and interprets that as not expressing it at all.

I'm not the thought police, but neither is Sam, and Sam quite literally shouts at Dean multiple times in 2.02 for not grieving in a way that Sam finds relatable. He specifically demands to know why Dean isn't angry, and why Dean doesn't want revenge, and why Dean's grieving process involves fixing his broken car instead of doing exactly what Sam has been doing—searching for leads on the demon. Sam is angry and is frustrated by a lack of leads, and he is displacing that frustration onto Dean and doing exactly what you claim Dean did to him later in the episode, except when Dean does it, it is after being harassed repeatedly and criticized for how he grieves and having his clearly stated boundaries trampled on by his brother for over a week.

Adults don't have to understand the quirks of other people's grief, but they should be expected to accept that their own feelings are not universal, and not make judgements. We don't get to dictate how other people feel and process things. I lost my grandfather this year, and if someone had come up to me at his funeral and criticized me for not appearing to grieve in a way they found relatable (which would invariably and inescapably carry an implication that I didn't care about my own grandfather) I would have put them on the ground, and they would have deserved it. It's fine that Sam doesn't understand how Dean grieves. His response to that lack of understanding, which is to deliberately and flagrantly ignore Dean's very calmly and plainly stated boundaries, and criticize how Dean deals with his feelings because Sam doesn't understand him, is not fine.

Note: Sam's behavior here is also not dissimilar from how he criticized Dean in 1.03 for not searching hard enough for John (in Sam's opinion—a guy who had found exactly 0 leads for them up to that point) with a tacked on thinly-veiled accusation that Dean did not care, followed by denials of his obvious meaning when Dean reacted. That also was not okay, and it's part of the pattern we see.

Sam is trying to get Dean to talk to him, because that is how Sam needs to process his grief.

You say Sam just wants to express his own grief to Dean, but that is not what Sam does? Sam talks exclusively about how Dean is processing his own grief: DEAN hasn't brought up dad once. DEAN should want revenge. DEAN should be mad. DEAN needs to stop being so dysfunctional and cold and "deal with" John's death—not Sam. If Sam wanted to talk about how Sam was grieving... he could simply talk about how he is grieving. However, quite crucially, he should also be willing to have someone else act as his active listener (ex: Bobby). Dean and Sam's methods of coping clearly do not mesh, and Sam should be willing to respect that. But when Dean does ask Sam quite plainly, over and over, to stop pestering him, Sam does not listen. He wants to talk about how Dean is grieving. Whether Dean is ready is not relevant—only whether Sam is ready for Dean to be ready. Dean is expected to grieve on Sam's timeline, in a way that looks familiar and relatable. Sam fixates on getting Dean to open up, because Sam is worried about him yeah—but also because Sam thinks he needs Dean—specifically—to spill his guts in order to process his own grief and stop worrying about Dean, and that is dysfunctional, and Sam is so focused on fulfilling that dysfunctional need that he is willing to flagrantly trample all over Dean's own grieving process and his clearly defined boundaries in order to get what he wants.

Sam's methods of coping and how they effect Dean in 2.02 are maladaptive, and they make Dean responsible for "fixing" Sam in a way that is not fair, while Dean is also grieving their dead father. Sam is essentially criticizing Dean for not offering up his raw grief as an artistically arranged meal for Sam's consumption, and Sam does not even realize it until Dean, tired of having his clearly stated boundaries trampled on over and over by Sam's repeated pestering and demands and criticisms, calls Sam out on what he is doing. And Dean is right about it, and after Sam reflects on it, he admits that Dean is right and reduces his harassment and policing of Dean's feelings by about 75%.

[sgiandubh]

Honestly, I am not a shipper- but to each his own and I’m not here to judge others. I do really feel bad for Sam over all this mess about the letter he signed. I really believe that there’s a strong possibility that someone he cares for and/or trusts reached out to him to sign it and he may not have read it critically or completely. Whatever really happened, it just bothers me that no matter what he does he cannot win. People were upset when he said nothing, then upset when he signed the letter, and now upset that he apologized.

I may be a really naive person myself, but I just don’t believe the man had any ill intent. I think he probably doesn’t know a great deal about the politics, religious issues, or global policies of the region. I think he really just wants to advocate for peace and to provide for humanitarian needs. It’s sad that he’s getting such terrible treatment on SM, but I haven’t seen the same things directed at Jon B or Caitlin O.

Obviously I don’t know Sam and can only judge him by what I have seen of him, but I have only seen a guy who is nice, considerate, and kind to others. I have never seen him advocate for any kind of violence. I just hope he knows that many of us out here see his kind heart and feel bad for him right now. Sure, he probably does need to educate himself a bit more before saying anything else, but I just don’t believe his motives were bad. Many people feel upset about what is happening and helpless because they don’t know what to do. I think it shows that Sam is human like all of us.

Dear Only Anon,

Good morning and thank you for sending this to me. I frankly do not care who or what you are (an Only blogger, PR - to be honest, it does sound at times like rehashed talking points...).

This pretty much sums up the issue, however, and I don't have much to add.

I will never say S is stupid. But naïve and uninformed, for sure. And I suggest to those who endlessly drum the 'he paid for the articles' argument to read them. They are borderline derisive and comments are downright scathing. Now you tell me: who on Earth would pay to get slandered in The Daily Fail and so on? Sacher-Masoch?

You are, by now, the second Anon addressing this issue and to be honest, I prefer being on my merry way to the Farmer's Market after my cup of coffee.

Back later. Thank you, Anon, for dropping by.

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC interview

Thanks to @mysticstarlightduck here, @elsie-writes here, and @leahnardo-da-veggie here!

Rules: answer the following questions in the perspective of one of your OCs!

Last did Jazlyn and Wade!

I'm...feeling Gwen.

Are you named after anyone?

“No, I'm not. Akash and Robbie like to joke that I'm named after Lady Guinevere, but my name is actually Gwendolyn. It's...cute though, that they do that.”

When was the last time you cried?

“Hm. It's been a few days. I was just a little stressed. Small things and big things tend to pile up together, you know?”

Do you have kids?

“... I'm not sure how you respond to this. I'm just a kid myself - I won't turn even thirteen until next May. Unless you count my younger siblings...no. I would love kids, though. Some day. With the right person.”

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

“Not really. I prefer to just say what I mean. Some people don't understand sarcasm, y'know?”

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

“Age. Not sure why. It affects how I act around them, I think. I'm more comfortable around those who are my age, maybe a few years difference.”

What’s your eye colour?

“My eyes are brown. Relatively light, actually, by comparison to other people's. Especially Robbie and Sam's.”

Scary movies or happy endings?

“Oh, happy endings all the way. I prefer walking away from a story satisfied everyone will be okay. Not that I don't mind a good horror movie if the story is compelling.”

Any special talents?

“Well, I know first aid. I can play several instruments. I'm in percussion in my school's band. I can play bongo drums, the timpani, chimes, the marimba, you name it.”

Where were you born?

“Clear Lake, Texas. In the Houston area.”

Do you have any pets?

“... Um, not...at the moment. We, um, lost our cat recently. Sorry, didn't mean to make this a downer.”

What sort of sports do you play?

“I don't exactly play sports. My parents are very outdoorsy, so I take morning runs sometimes, so I could be in track if I wanted to, I think.”

How tall are you?

“I am 5'2, which is a pretty standard height for someone my age, even in Alium.”

What was your favourite subject in school?

“I am still in school. English. I like English. Reading is a strong suit of mine.”

What is your dream job?

“Oh, there are so many options! I'm not entirely sure. Writer, teacher, counselor. I would like one of those.”

More Gwen: picrew, OC in three, OC in fifteen, OC questionnaire

Tagging gently @squarebracket-trickster @reininginthefirewriting @elsie-writes @mk-writes-stuff @sleepywriter00 @stesierra @winterandwords @elizaellwrites @winterandwords @cherrybombfangirlwrites @pluppsauthor + anyone else :)

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

Blanks below the cut

Are you named after anyone? When was the last time you cried? Do you have kids? Do you use sarcasm a lot? What’s the first thing you notice about people? What’s your eye colour? Scary movies or happy endings? Any special talents? Where were you born? Do you have any pets? What sort of sports do you play? How tall are you? What was your favourite subject in school? What is your dream job?

(for easy copy/paste)

[sjsmith56]

The Fae Elements, Part 6 - Of Love and Loss

Summary: While still in mourning Buck and Sage get married, then undertake the Solstice ritual to install her fae powers. Just before the final part of the ritual, disaster strikes.

Length: 8.2 K

Characters: Buck, Sage, Hope, Thor, Sam, Steve, Maria.

Warnings: Grief, guilt, mild sexual content, violence causing extreme injury, violence causing death.

Author notes: AI images were created by the author using Microsoft Copilot app in Designer mode. This is a long one, but it covers a lot of territory. I hope you liked this version of a fae world that co-exists alongside the modern one. Bucky with wings is 🔥. The pagan wedding vows have been taken from the website my wedding vows.com. They were slightly amended to use the term Creator instead of God, since pagans didn't worship one god.

<<Part 5

🌳 ⛰️ 🌊 🌕

Buck left the bed during the night, awakening me as he pulled himself out of my arms. I held onto his hand for several long moments, while he hesitated at the side of the bed.

"Don't go," I whispered. "Let me help you."

"I won't be long," he answered. "There's something I must do, and I can't rest anymore until I do it."

He left out of a door that seemed to lead to a terrace. By the time I got to the window he disappeared. I wanted to tell someone then I heard Hope's voice in my mind.

"It's alright, my brothers are with him," she said. "They go to comfort Richard's family. Meet me in the library if you don't want to be alone. The way will be shown to you."

I was still dressed from the previous night, but the clothes felt rumpled and uncomfortable, so I changed into a robe-like dress, then combed my hair and left the room. The way to the library was lit with a blue glow and I opened the door to where Hope sat in front of the fireplace. She smiled at me as I approached, reaching over and squeezing my hand as I sat next to her.

"I'm glad you were with him," she said kindly. "Mortals who write about the fae world think we don't care about our children like they do, but we feel just as deeply for them, worrying about their welfare, and hope we're raising them to be strong individuals, whether fae or mortal. Richard was a wonderful man, married with four children and eight grandchildren, one of them pregnant with his first great grandchild. He was a teacher, but in his retirement, he volunteered for a home building charity, sharing his love of carpentry that my father shared with him. His death will impact many people."

"I'm sorry. It seems like you all loved him very much."

I felt a wetness on my cheek and wiped it away.

"It's not your fault," said Hope. "You're not to blame for his death. They would have found a way no matter what. That they chose Richard was meant to weaken my father. He's been a strong king who has been incorruptible though they have tried." She smiled sadly at me. "The battle between the light and dark is elemental in itself. The universe was cloaked in darkness until the light exploded into existence billions of years ago. It is an eternal struggle to maintain the balance."

It didn't make me feel any less guilty for being enough of a distraction that Buck's attention was diverted away from his mortal son. Hope talked with me for some time, until I must have fallen asleep in the library, for I found myself waking up in the bed again, with Buck spooned behind me. The curtains were drawn so that we were in darkness, but it was obvious by the sunlight bleeding through the cracks in the curtains that it was the middle of the day. Carefully, I turned so that I faced him. His face looked so peaceful in the dimness of the room, but a small crease was still evident between his eyebrows, proof of the burden he carried, even in his sleep. A sudden urge to kiss that crease in the hopes of smoothing it away overcame me and I pressed my lips onto it. When I pulled away a smile was on his lips.

"A valiant attempt," he murmured. "Daere tried many times to remove that in the same manner. She called it my worry mark."

"I'm sorry I woke you. I feel so helpless. Thought a kiss would help."

"It does, more than you know." His eyes opened, tired but still bright, searching my face for a moment. "It doesn't seem fair that our marriage will be preceded by the murder of my son, but the Dark Overlord planned it that way. He uses terror and grief as a weapon, not realizing that for some people it is a crucible that makes them stronger."

"His family?"

"Will be taken care of," said Buck. "They will want for nothing, except the presence of their husband, father and grandfather." He stroked my hair. "I felt him die, while you were gathering food. Then you called for help, and I knew they had done it to gain access to the sanctuary. Even for a dark fae, it was a heinous act, for mortal family members are supposed to be safe from harm, by an agreement made in the days of the first fae king. The Dark Overlord has made it clear he has no regard for any of the laws that govern our kind. It means war between us. Only my remaining sons and I will attend Richard's funeral in two days time, as Hope has committed to staying for your protection. Many light fae are being recalled here to protect you."

"I'm not worth it," I answered, not feeling like I was compared to those he had sworn to protect when he became fae king.

"Of course, you are. You are a part of the sacred tree. Fae from other domains, the cold places, the ocean, the mountains, even from the hot lands, are sending help, for you are a descendant of the oldest fae family, the one that civilized us and made us more than tiny beings of mischief."

He kissed me then and we laid in the dark for a little longer until several thoughts were sent to us, to get up and face the day. After showering together, we dressed and made our way to the dining area, where the big table had been replaced by several small tables, as the big one could only ever seat 13 guests, no less and no more. Buck's other sons, Arthur and John, were there. Almost perfect duplicates of their father, they were both kind to me and I sensed no blame for the death of their younger brother.

The time until the funeral passed quickly, with Buck kissing me goodbye in the morning, promising to return by nightfall. My day was spent learning more of the wedding ceremony and Solstice rituals, as well as committing my vows to memory. There were some sacred words to be said for the "vows" but apparently Buck had asked they be spoken in English for my sake, and the sacred tree had given its blessing. When he returned, I was already in bed, but he slipped under the covers with me, nuzzling into my neck then weeping into my shoulder once more as he mourned his son's death.

The following night I was relocated to another room, where I was treated to a beauty regimen that was definitely magic. After it was done, my hair was shiny, my skin dewy, and there were no signs of any pimples or other blemishes of any kind. My gown, designed to match Bucky's suit was white with gold trim, and fit perfectly, as I tried it on one last time. We were kept apart that night since we had to leave very early from our eastern time zone on the morning of the solstice. We had to be at the sacred tree, which apparently was somewhere in Ireland, four hours ahead in their time zone. It was where the first fae king was crowned, and we had to be there before sunrise, 4:56 am, local time. It was going to literally be a long day for us, on the longest day of the year. At least we would take a portal there, with Loki, Hope, and Sam accompanying me. Steve, Thor and Buck left before us. The rest of the council were already there.

When we arrived at the grove where the sacred tree was located, I was amazed to see all sorts of flowers growing everywhere. Foxglove, daisies, cosmos, and primroses were just a few that I recognized. Their scent was everywhere, but not so much that it felt overwhelming. There was a misty quality to the place, as if a fog wasn't quite dissipated completely. Everything seemed so tranquil and beautiful. A single path led to the altar from where I waited, out of sight. I would walk it alone, just as Buck would wait alone for me, with Thor, as the oldest fae there, acting as the officiant. Our music was the natural sounds of the forest, the birds, the breeze, and the rustle of leaves. My bouquet was made of wildflowers. With a kind smile my three travelling companions left me to take their place. Then a voice in my head, Thor's voice, told me to begin to approach the altar. As I came around the corner from where I had been hidden, I almost gasped at the scene.

The sacred tree, large, gnarled and ancient, with pink tinged flowers appearing on the branches, dominated the space. In front of it, a carved altar made of wood displayed images of both real and mythical creatures of the forest, including one called The Green Man, apparently a masculine symbol of the forest. Buck waited in front of the altar, wearing an incredible suit that was mostly ivory white. Embroidered with an intricate pattern of gold thread it was styled similar to a fine suit from the 1700s. He wore a collarless white shirt underneath that seemed to be made of silk, which made sense as it was a natural fibre. Its sleeves poked out from the cuffs of the suit. On his head, Buck wore a crown of holly, apparently for its relationship to eternity, and the change of the seasons. When I reached where Buck stood, he offered me his hand and helped me up the single step to stand in front of Thor.

"Greetings, friends," he stated. "We are here to witness the sacred joining of our fae king, Buck, born James Barnes, to the mortal woman, Sage, born Sage Hawthorne. Before the vows are stated are there any objections to the union of these two individuals?"

There was no objection and Thor instructed Buck to state the vows. He did so without hesitation. Then it was my turn.

"I, Sage, in the name of the spirit of the Creator that resides within us all, by the life that courses within my blood and the love that resides within my heart, take thee, James, to my hand, my heart, and my spirit, to be my chosen one. To desire thee and be desired by thee, to possess thee, and be possessed by thee, without sin or shame, for naught can exist in the purity of my love for thee. I promise to love thee wholly and completely without restraint, in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty, in life and beyond, where we shall meet, remember, and love again. I shall not seek to change thee in any way. I shall respect thee, thy beliefs, thy people, and thy ways as I respect myself."

Thor asked for the rings, raising his hands to the sky. When he lowered them, the rings were there, both of them plain bands made of silver. He offered the smaller one to Buck, who placed it on my ring finger. Then he offered the larger one to me, to place on my husband's ring finger. Clasping our hands together he spoke in a language I had never heard before. He looked calmly at both of us before speaking.

"May the canopy of the forest shelter you; may you be protected by the hawthorn, the oak and the ash tree, and their shade grant you peace. Your bloodlines are now joined, now and forever. Even if you choose to part there will always be a bond between you, until you find each other again at the end of time. You may seal your bond with a kiss."

Just as Buck's lips touched mine a strong beam of the sun lit us up, making the gold thread in our clothes gleam. I felt a warmth fill me from all around, which apparently was the first moment of transformation as the sacred tree of my ancestor transferred some of its fae power into me. After receiving the well wishes of those who attended we were transported to another site, the base of a mountain. At the top of it was where the first consummation of our marriage would take place, with Buck flying both of us up there. Just before we took off a host of flower petals drifted down upon us, landing in our hair. With a smile I was lifted into Buck's arms, and we flew to where a small group of tall trees at the top of the mountain became visible. Built into the rock face beneath them was a wooden structure, open to the elements, containing a large bed. We landed on a terrace in front of the bed. The sun, although high, wasn't at its highest yet. I stood looking out over the great vista below us.

"This is incredible," I said. "Why aren't we on the tallest mountains?"

"It's not necessary," he replied. "It just has to be open to the sky when the sun is at its highest. We are somewhere in the Balkans by the look of things, and we have time to eat and drink. If you wish."

My ears had been warm since the sun first touched us in Ireland and I ran my fingertips over them. A pointed shape surprised me, making Buck smile.

"Your ears have changed. I must say, they suit you."

Inside the covered part of the structure was a small mirror and I took a look, seeing the change for myself. Accepting a glass of wine from Buck, we toasted our marriage then started to kiss, letting the inevitable joining of our bodies progress from there. By the time the sun was high overhead we were well into the first requirement of the Solstice ritual. It was freeing to make love out in the open like that, with only the sky and the sun as our witness. I felt a lightness in my body, as if I could do almost anything. There was some opportunity after our several couplings to relax as we touched and caressed, then I heard an apologetic voice in my head interrupting us that it was time to go. Obviously, Buck had heard the same voice since he rose from the covers and offered me his hand. Reluctantly, we dressed. While I was putting my dress on Buck alerted me to the presence of small butterfly type wings protruding from my back.

"These will be your true wings although they haven't finished forming yet," stated Buck, gently touching them with his fingertips. "You'll soon learn how to transform them into bird wings strong enough to lift yourself."

Covering me with his own great wings, he held me close as he formed a portal around us. We appeared on a beach, where the air was warm and humid, surrounded by palm trees. Greeted by the council, with cheek kisses and hugs, they seemed pleased at the physical changes to my body, proof of the ritual working. Then Buck offered me his hand and we walked along a wooden dock to where a boat waited. Steve and Sam were at the controls, both of them looking relaxed in the golden light of the sun which was now low in the sky.

"We'll get you within a comfortable flying distance, then return to the beach," said Steve. "At sunrise, we will be waiting for you at the rendezvous point on the boat."

We ate and drank on the ride until they slowed then stopped. We departed from them as Buck took me in his arms for a flight over the ocean. The moon was just peaking over the horizon, providing just enough light to illuminate the calm waters below us. It seemed that Buck knew exactly where to go as a small rocky island became visible in the distance. On it was a platform, with steps leading up to it from the water. A bed and several lit candle lanterns were the only furnishings there.

"You just happen to have this tiny island in the middle of the ocean waiting for us," I commented, a little sarcastically. Buck just grinned.

"The rocky part is real, the last remaining part of a long dead volcano that rose from the ocean in the South Pacific. The bed and lighting are magical. It was part of Steve's job to find this spot, using his contacts with the merpeople to locate it. It had to be isolated, as we draw magic from the ocean with the consummation. A spell will protect us in case a storm comes but as you can see it is a very calm and clear night. The merpeople will patrol below the surface and advise the council if there are any potential intruders. It's important that we're not interrupted." He looked at me with obvious desire. "For more than one reason."

Gracefully, he landed and released me from his arms. I almost wanted to laugh at how otherworldly and weird it all seemed. This tiny island in the middle of the ocean was set up just for us to have sex. As I looked out over the waters, I could hear mournful sounds coming from it. Buck came up behind me, wrapping his arms around me as he rested his chin on mine.

"Is that whale song?" I asked.

"Uh huh." He listened for a moment. "They're giving us their blessing. Come to bed, my beloved."

In the light of the lanterns that were near the bed, he undid the fastenings of my dress, kissing my neck and shoulders as it fell from my body and draped itself over a chair that appeared, my magic asserting itself, according to Buck. His own individual pieces of clothing seemed to unfasten themselves, although I helped remove them. Like my dress they moved of their own accord, finding a place to be. The lights of the lanterns slowly grew dim so that our bodies were lit only by the full moon, low on the horizon, with just a sliver of sky separating it from that viewpoint. Whether it was an optical illusion or was just my imagination, it seemed to be the largest I had ever seen the moon appear. Despite being in the middle of the ocean I felt as warmed by the moon's glow as I ever did by the sun's rays. As we kissed it felt like something extraordinary surrounded us.

"It's beginning," said Buck, stepping back a little as he held my hands.

There was a silvery glow to my skin that seemed to flow from the reflection of the moon in the ocean straight towards me, enveloping me in something enchanted. All of my senses seemed to come alive as we explored each other's bodies like it was the very first time. Every kiss to my skin sent tendrils of pleasure radiating from the contact point. Every caress of my breasts increased my need for Buck to join with me in any way possible. Every roll of his hips as he thrust into me sent me into such a state of joy that I wanted to cry out to the heavens. I imagined this must be like the best psychedelic trip of all time, except I was fully in charge of my faculties, fully aware of where I was and who I was with. Our minds and bodies were joined in such a way that I realized this was the love I had longed for my whole life. This fae man, entwined with me, was my life, as I was his; our connection was physical, emotional, and spiritual all at the same time. After the attainment of our shared climax we laid in each other's arms, spent but not exhausted.

"Is this how it feels to be connected to life?" I asked, as I became aware of all the sea life around us, even the sea anemones and corals that clung to life on the sides of the rocky promontory that extended down to the bottom of the ocean where we were. I could hear and understand the song of the whales that were bolstered by the calls of the merpeople under the gentle swells. "Do you hear and feel this all of the time?"

"Yes," he replied. "It was overwhelming at first but when Daere chose to undergo the process it was so much better to share it with my mate. Just as it's better with you, Sage. You were always meant for this; to be at my side, to be part of the life of this earth."

Gently, Buck wiped tears from my cheek, as I wept with awareness of all that was good and all that threatened the natural world. It was such a responsibility that he had been solely burdened with since Daere died. How he managed to function without a mate to share this commitment with for so long was beyond my comprehension. All I knew for certain was that I was part of it now, freely choosing to do this with my king, my mate, and my love.

Slowly, the moon began its journey back below the horizon, and we were left in darkness until a glow appeared on the surface of the ocean. All sorts of blue, green and white lights appeared at the top of the waters then slowly drifted back down to where they originated. I sat on the bed, entranced by the spectacle, having never seen anything like it before.

"Bioluminescent creatures," said Buck. "They live deep where there is no light but create their own. They come to pay their respects." He stroked my back; his warmth feeling so good on my skin. "We can catch some sleep now until just before sunrise."

His suggestion for sleep was a good one as we had been going for over 24 hours, in several different time zones. Within moments I was gone, calmed into sleep by what I realized was a lullaby being sung by the merpeople. Its haunting beauty was both hypnotic and soothing, sending me into a wonderful dream filled with light and love.

"Sage." The voice was barely audible, like the gentle buzz of a bee in the garden. It was a voice I knew but I strained to hear it. "Sage, listen. There is a way that you can save him. If you give it all up and give him up for how ever long it takes for him to heal, he can live. My beautiful girl. I miss you so much."

I opened my eyes, turning to look at Buck in the pre-dawn light, his eyes closed and his face at peace after all the turmoil of the past few days. That vision I had of him, pale while the light of life left his eyes, was there again at the edge of my consciousness but so were the words that woke me. What did it all mean?

It didn't take long to find the boat waiting for us after we lifted off from the island. Sam and Steve were on it again and offered us food and drink to restore our energies after the long day and night we experienced. It seemed like simple fare, cheeses, fruit, honey and bread but it tasted wonderful, almost as if I could sense all the love and care that went into its preparation. Soon, the boat was pulling up to the dock and we were greeted with warm words and wishes. We had one more stop to make, a return to the sacred tree in Ireland to present ourselves as bonded mates. That encircling of the globe would complete the ritual. As the rest of the council activated their own portals to return there, Sam and Steve secured the boat as Thor waited. Then we returned to Ireland together, landing in a beam of lightning.

It was strange. Although the council had left before us, they were nowhere to be seen in the glade where the sacred tree was. The three fae princes produced their swords as did Buck. Being new to all of this, I wasn't sure what to do but they placed themselves around me and we began to advance towards the tree. We found Hope first, as Buck cried out and kneeled beside her, sprawled amongst some tall sunflowers, although no injury was visually evident.

"She's alive," he said, laying his hands on his daughter. "Hope, wake up."

A moan answered him and then her eyes fluttered open. "Trap," she whispered, then she lapsed back into unconsciousness.

"You should go," said Thor. "There is a feeling of darkness here." He seemed to be searching for his brother telepathically but there was no answer. "Buck, take your bride."

"No, we must finish the ritual to complete the process," he insisted. "She won't be safe otherwise."

Taking my hand in his free hand we approached the sacred tree. With Thor, Steve and Sam covering our backs we kneeled in front of it and Buck recited something in what I assumed was Latin. Just before he finished it, a shadow in the shape of a man materialized out of the air, thrusting a black sword into Buck's chest. It happened so fast that he had no chance to react, other than to push me back, away from danger. The shadow man lifted him up overhead, still impaled on the sword and threw him away from the tree. Instinctively, I thought of my hands as weapons, generating a blue energy from them that caught the shadow man in the chest. He began to thrash, then the shadows fell away to reveal the lawyer of HYDRA Mining, Alexander Pierce.

"NO!"

His face was locked in a grimace as he reached for me, but I sent another pulse towards him, then found my efforts supported as Thor raised his hammer then struck Pierce in the head, separating it from his neck. A cloud of dark energy erupted from the headless body then twisted painfully as my pulse of blue, and Thor's lightning burned through it, until it was gone. I was suddenly exhausted then remembered Buck and scrambled to where he was. Sam and Steve were trying to stem his blood loss but as I hovered over him, I realized this was my vision that had been prickling at the edge of my consciousness. His skin was already pale and the blue light in his eyes was fading. I placed my hands on his cheeks and for a moment they pulsed blue then faded as I had used all of my power destroying Pierce.

"No," I cried. "Don't die. Don't leave me."

"Beloved," gasped Buck. "Amica mea. It's okay. If he's dead, then you are safe. My beloved Sage."

My tears fell on his face as I begged him to stay with me. I looked at the others who stood around, helpless in their grief. Then I remembered the words that were whispered to me.

"I don't want this power, not if I don't have you. Take it, take it all." I raised my eyes to the sky. "Please, save him. I'll give him up, give up all of my magic if you just let him live."

"Sage, if you do this, he can no longer be king." Thor was kneeling beside me. "He can only live as a mortal now as all of his own magic will be needed to heal his wound. Even then there is no guarantee as he was pierced with a dark fae blade."

"I don't care," I cried. "Please, don't let him die. Don't let all that he was be lost."

"No, beloved." Buck's voice was barely a whisper. "Don't do this. You were meant to be queen."

"Not without you." I was certain of this. "Please."

My tears were unstoppable as I laid my head on his shoulder. I could hear the voices of the others then everything went black. When my eyes opened, I was in a dark room. Sitting up, I saw that it was the same room I first stayed in when Buck brought me to the stronghold. It was dark and the almost full moon shone through the window, although it was low in the sky. Before I could leave, someone knocked on the door, then entered and stepped into the moonlight.

"Hope," I said. "Your father ...."

"He will live," she answered. She sat on the edge of the bed. "Your magic is depleted and can never be restored. Neither will you ever have a child with magic."

"I want to see him."

"It's not possible," she answered. "The sacred tree used both your magic and his to treat the injury but there was a price to be paid. He is mortal now, and he has lost his memory. I had enough time to give him something to ground him when he wakes up, but he won't remember who he is or what he was. He is out of our hands now. The sacred tree instructed that he be taken to a mortal place and left there to begin his new life. I don't know where he is. He is unseen to me."

"But what about us?" I asked.

"You offered to give him up and the sacred tree is fae. Your offer was accepted as a fair trade for saving him. If your love is true, you may find each other again, but there are no guarantees. I'm sorry."

Her words hit me like a wave of ice water. He would live but he was lost to me, possibly forever. As I began to cry, Hope held me, stroking my hair and back, then sat with me for the rest of the night as we talked of many things. When the first signs of dawn became visible, she left me to get dressed then escorted me to a terrace where the council waited. All of them who had gone to the sacred tree ahead of us looked ill, as if they were recovering from a terrible illness. Pierce had apparently poisoned them as they appeared there, wanting to isolate Buck and me to attack us without warning. No one suspected that he was the Dark Overlord, since his camouflage as a mortal lawyer had been so successfully portrayed. He apparently didn't believe my strength would be of consequence in standing up to his, expecting to overwhelm me completely and take my powers for his. My counterattack weakened him enough for Thor to slay him. At least his influence would be gone, until the next dark fae became powerful enough to become the Dark Overlord.

After saying goodbye to the council, Steve offered to return me to my apartment, encircling me with his wings and activating a portal. We appeared on the street in front of my building, just before the dawn and he looked around to make sure our arrival wasn't witnessed.

"Will I see you back in the courtroom?" I asked.

"No, Sam and I will be leaving Washington and returning to the stronghold," he replied, kindly. "The sacred tree is set to choose the next candidates for fae ruler and it's always a possibility we may be chosen. Gaia Life will still exist, but I suspect it will return to a grassroots level, educating people to respect the environment. We are recommending that we undertake a greater effort to find and support the descendants of Lilith and the Hawthorn, encouraging them to accept and develop their powers. Your powers were truly what made the difference in defeating the Dark Overlord." Suddenly, he brushed a tear away from my cheek. "He loved you very much. Believe that it will bring you back together, someday."

With a grim smile, I nodded, then stepped back and watched as his wings extended and he lifted up into the air, watching him until I couldn't see him anymore. On the elevator up to my floor, I thought of all that happened to me over the last few months. My whole life had been uprooted, starting with the death of my father, and ending with the loss of my husband. As I checked my work emails, I realized I had changed too much to return to that job. I didn't know what I was going to do but it wasn't going to be in the cynical atmosphere of the nation's capital.

One Year Later

The sunburnt face and grizzled chin of the farmer I was representing in front of the county board, seemed satisfied when the board agreed that the fracking company, which had set up next to the property line of his farm, had damaged the aquifer enough to affect the quality of his well water. They were ordered to cease and desist all operations, to pay him damages for what they had done, and to pay for the installation of a water tank, as well as the supply of fresh water until such time as his well recovered, based on an independent assessment. It was as good a victory as any I had achieved when I was a high paid lawyer in Washington. For this representation, the best I could expect to be paid was about $5000 but I was also given a permanent invitation to dinner with the farmer and his family, plus a side of beef whenever I needed it. As he, his wife, and kids thanked me while I placed my files in my briefcase I happened to look up and see a familiar face. The woman who wore it sat in one of the stacking chairs that were available for the public to witness the proceedings.

Maria smiled at me as I approached. "I wasn't expecting to see you, not here out in the country."

"Officially, I'm not here," she said. "Is there somewhere we can talk?"

I nodded, then we headed out of the county building to where my truck was, and I deposited my case in the front seat. There was a coffee shop across the way, and we walked across the quiet small-town street, waiting on a truck to pass in front of us before completing the journey. A wave to the waitress from me brought two cups and a pot of coffee.

"Lunch?" asked the waitress, Norma.

I looked at Maria and she shook her head. "No, not today, thanks."

"Should you even be here?" I asked. "I mean, Gaia Life pulled out of Washington pretty quickly, after ...." I left the final part unsaid as it was still painful for me.

"Officially, no, but Hope asked me to come," she replied, then she took a brochure out of her purse. It was for a county-run campground in the next state over, extolling the virtues of a pristine environment, without electricity, wifi, or any of the interruptions of modern society. "She thinks it might be a good idea for you to go camping next weekend. A reservation has already been made and paid for."

I looked at Maria with surprise, but she didn't enlighten me, taking that moment to sip her coffee. So, I asked.

"Why?"

"Just go," she said. "Our new rulers want you to be happy and feel that you may find the visit memorable."

"Rulers? A king and a queen?"

She shrugged, making me understand that I wasn't really permitted to know anymore. Then she smiled kindly again.

"We have looked out for you, you know. You seem happier here than you were in Washington."

"It's quieter and the work is the same, but the rewards are more obvious and satisfying, I guess. I'm still considering my options. How is everyone?"

"Still adjusting but we're alright." She looked at my neck and my left hand. "You still wear them."

"I'm still his wife and I still feel him. I'll never forget him."

"I'm glad." She looked at her watch. "Well, my ride should be here soon. It was good to see you, Sage. Thank you for the coffee."

"You're welcome," I said, internally wondering about the real purpose for the brief visit.

We walked out to the street and a vehicle pulled up in front, with a bald, dark-skinned man driving. He nodded at me, then Maria hugged me, and got inside, receiving a kiss from the man. With a wave, they were gone, as they turned the first corner. With the brochure in my hand, I got in my truck and headed home to the small house I lived in on the edge of town. Opening my laptop, I looked at the website for the campground, seeing only pictures of a small lake, with rustic campsites. Inside the brochure was a folded piece of paper with my reservation and the date, the next full moon. Since I was usually alone anyways, it seemed a good idea.

That weekend I loaded up my pride and joy, a small camper vehicle, big enough for two, or in this case me and my girlfriend's dog, Arlo, who I often brought along to keep me company when I went camping. We headed out in the rain, just after breakfast for the 6-hour drive to the campground. When I did arrive there, the rain was gone, the sun was out and the small campground, with no services, was empty. I found the one reserved for me, that looked out over the small lake but still had the shelter of the trees for shade. It was perfect. After setting up the portable solar panels for power I set up my small picnic table with a camp stove and pulled out my chair, a book, and began to enjoy the solitude, while Arlo rested in the sun before moving to the shade of the camper. The scent of the trees hung heavy in the air, lulling both me and Arlo to sleep. When we awoke the sun was low and I brought out the lantern. Open campfires were prohibited so the light of the lantern would have to suffice. As I came out of the van I saw a figure, standing with his back to me, a short distance away, looking out over the small lake.

He seemed familiar to me, in his heavy flannel shirt, jeans, and hiking boots. When he turned his head to the side, my heart jumped, for his profile was just as beautiful as I remembered. At that moment he became aware I was watching and turned around to face me. Arlo looked at him with ears perked up but didn't seem alarmed at the sudden presence of the man.

"You picked a nice spot," he said. "You respect the space, by keeping your vehicle on the gravel and not starting a campfire. Others who have had this spot to themselves have often ignored the no open campfire sign."

"It is fire season," I replied, keeping my voice steady, as it was obvious he didn't recognize me. "I don't need it. Once the moon comes up and reflects off the water it will be so beautiful and peaceful out here. It's what I wanted more than anything."

He nodded then approached where I sat. He kneeled down and gestured to Arlo, who approached him readily, wagging his tail. Scratching Arlo behind the ears, then his neck made the dog fall onto his side offering his belly. The man chuckled.

"How long have you had him?" he asked.

"He belongs to a friend," I answered. "He's my camping buddy. Living in town can be stressful for a dog so this is his vacation time as well."

Nodding his head sympathetically he looked up at me. "I'm James," he said.

"Sage," I replied. "Are you a camper here?"

"No, I live nearby but I check up on the place for the county and remind people not to have open campfires." He smiled at Arlo, who was pawing him for more belly rubs. "Have we ever met?"

"I was thinking the same thing," I answered. "Except I've never been here before."

"Maybe it's from before I was injured. I almost died and lost most of my memories. Sometimes, I get a flash of them, but it doesn't last." He stood up. "I should get going."

I didn't want him to go. "James, would you like to join me for some hot chocolate? I have another chair in the camper. I wouldn't mind the company."

His smile was soft, as he looked out over the water for a moment then back at me. "I wouldn't mind that at all."

I brought the chair out for him then filled the kettle with water and set it on the burner inside the camper, opening a couple of packets of hot chocolate into a couple of mugs. Inside my camper I also had a bag of mini marshmallows, and I brought them, along with some cookies, placing them on the small picnic table. Before the water boiled, I shut the stove down and poured some water in the mugs, stirring the powder to remove the lumps. Then I poured the rest of the water in, stirring to mix it together smoothly. James watched me as I stepped out of the camper, then took the mug from my hand.

"Thank you," he said, then sipped it and sat back in the chair. He leaned towards the table and took some mini marshmallows, adding them to his drink. "That's better."

He took a couple of cookies and dunked one in the hot chocolate. Quietly, we sipped our drink, watching as the full moon came up over the water. It looked exactly like it did the night of the Solstice ritual on the tiny island in the middle of the ocean. I suddenly sobbed and he looked at me, concerned.

"Are you alright?"

"Just remembering my wedding night," I replied, quickly wiping the tears from my cheeks. "It was on a full moon like this. I lost my husband the next morning. He was murdered in front of me."

"I'm sorry. That must have been devastating." He looked over at the moon. "It seems familiar to me as well but it's a memory that just ...."

He shook his head, frustrated.

"I promise to love thee wholly and completely without restraint, in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty, in life and beyond, where we shall meet, remember, and love again." My voice was a whisper.

"What did you say?" he asked, putting the mug down. I repeated it. "I know those words. What was your husband's name?"

"Buck was what everyone called him, but he was born James Barnes," I said, looking directly at him.

"Sage ... is your last name Hawthorne?"

"It was, but I kept my husband's name. It's me, Buck. Don't you remember me?"

"How was your husband killed?"

"A sword through the heart. He actually survived, but he lost all of his memories of me, and I wasn't permitted to stay with him, because he didn't know me, at all."

"Was your wedding night on an island in the ocean?" I nodded. He touched his chest and pulled up his shirt, showing a great scar in the middle of his chest. "They said I was impaled by a weapon, that I almost bled out and I was lucky to survive. It wasn't luck, was it?"

"No, it was magic, but it came at a cost. You lost all of your magic and I gave up all of mine to save you, plus I had to leave you. They said if our love was true, we would find each other again. Now, here you are, in front of me. Have you found me, Buck? Please say you've found me again."

"Amica mea," he murmured, then he looked at me again, his eyes dark, as his memories returned. "Beloved?"

"Yes!"

The tears were streaming down my face, and I wanted to go to him, but my feet wouldn't move. He stood up and came to me, turning me so that my face was fully lit by the lantern. Gently, he touched my cheek with the back of his fingers.

"You cried over me," he said. "Hot tears were falling onto my cheeks, as I called you my beloved, over and over again. You said you would give it all up to save me, that you never wanted it, not if I wasn't with you. There were others there, but I couldn't hear them. I only remember your face and your pendant, then it went black. When I woke up, I was in a hospital. The police said I was found in a park with a stabbing chest wound that just missed my heart by a fraction of an inch. They never found who did it or who phoned for an ambulance. I only knew my name because of my identification. It said I lived near here, alone, running my own furniture making business. I knew how to make the furniture, but I didn't remember actually doing it. Who was I?"

I smiled. "You were special, and I will tell you everything but right now I just want to do one thing, if you'll let me."

He smiled back then he placed one hand in my hair and one around my waist. Gently, he kissed me, and I felt the familiar feeling of all of his kisses. Our kiss deepened and he pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me. I could detect a touch of his scent, the rich scent of the forest after a rainfall. Another scent, that of cut wood was more prominent, probably from the work he did making furniture. It was the feel of his arms around me that confirmed I had him back. Suddenly, I was aware of the sound of wings lifting a body into flight, not just one set but several and I looked around to see them, the fae, who had found my love and brought us back together again, but they were already gone.

Then I saw it on his ring finger, the silver wedding band. He noticed where I was looking and took my left hand in his, rubbing my wedding band with his thumb.

"I didn't know if I was married or widowed, but I kept it on, hoping it would help me remember," he said. Then he gazed at me again. "How did you find me?"

"The fae elements," I replied. "Earth, Air, Water, and Fire, and the fifth one, Love. I think they looked for you and made it possible for us to find each other again."

"My beloved Sage. It's coming back to me. You really did give it all up for me?"

I nodded. "We're both mortals now, joined until we move on to the next life."

"Then I'm happy," he said. "You're all that I want."

We kissed again, in the light of the full moon that covered the water of that small lake in its reflected glow. Then we made love in the small bed of the camper, wrapping our arms and legs around each other as we rekindled the passion of our earlier life. Finally, we slept in each other's arms, while Arlo curled up on the floor. It was quiet and intimate, and over too soon until I moved in with Buck, at the cabin he lived in outside a small town in rural Pennsylvania. That weekend set the stage for years to come as we took our increasingly growing family camping in larger vehicles but always beside a remote lake during the full moon to experience its magic. Occasionally, we received visits from certain individuals who never aged but always seemed happy for us and gleefully played with our children and grandchildren. They grew up believing in the magic of mythical creatures and sacred places and knowing of the necessity for love and friendship in a world that always seemed at odds.

As for us, personally ... as we grew older, seeming to race towards the inevitable end of our time together, we knew it had all been worth it. Buck found peace and contentment with me, his last mate, and I found happiness with the love of my life. When our time came, we faced it together, and jumped into the unknown, secure in our belief that our love would always bind us together, forever. Although it was thought by the fae council that I represented the element of truth, Buck and I believed that I was also love, truly the most intangible element, as it kept the bond between us alive while we were apart.

Part 7>>

Series Masterlist

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[tabbyofwisdom]

Don't ask me why I'm doing this now. Maybe it's because we're hitting the one year anniversaries of the end of the show, but here's a thesis that I've been ruminating on as to why I believed the symbols from the psychic pointed to Ted.

Presented below the break

My thesis, if it can be called anything, is that each of those symbols were meant for each of the three romantic interests in Rebecca's life, that they symbolized that they were one part of what Rebecca wanted and needed but that they were not the right man. I'm going to break down each symbol. Also, I don't remember reading anything like this but if someone has written something like this, I apologize.

The Green Matchbook: This was for Sam. Sam came into Rebecca's life and showed her that she could have fun again. That love can be fun. In season one, Sassy says, "No, the real Rebecca is silly. Strong, yeah, but not cold." She's relearning fun. But Sam is too young. The power dynamics honestly are really cringy. It's one thing to date someone more than half your age, it's another to date someone you pay that's more than half your age. Aside from that all, their life experiences are totally different. His is just beginning. Rebecca is, to use a metaphor, a phoenix. She's starting it all over for the second time, but she's got a lifetime of experience.

Shite in Nining Armor(honestly, this 'sign' was so stupid, imo): This one is obviously John Stamos Wingsnight. Rebecca's relationship with him was all about learning that love is leaving yourself open to being heartbroken. He obviously was not the person that was meant for her to be that open with......but he was age appropriate.

Upside down, drenched, but safe: Ok, this is the big one and the most controversial. This is boatman. She falls into the water but ends up being fished out by him. Their evening is all about Rebecca learning to let go. She's always dressed to the nine's and is always put together. She never lets her hair down, to be colloquial . That evening she lets herself be Rebecca. 100% her. Silly, in command, sweet, hopeful. We get to see the person Sassy knew but with the strength and stripes that she has earned through her marriage. Flashing back to a year ago, I was so happy to see this. I thought, "This is it. This is Rebecca and now that she's let herself be herself, she can be that with Ted." 😒 I have SO many issues but I'm just going to focus on "Sunflowers". As a woman, I was so nervous throughout the episode. If I was in a foreign country, by myself, fished out of a canal by a strange man, and he threw his phone into the canal(thus eliminating any type of communication) and then he made a joke about how my drink was not spiked, I'd be out of there faster than a Ted Lasso spit take. Again, I was so happy to see Rebecca let herself be....herself but I was just uncomfortable the entire time. When he kissed her foot due to 'habit' I was like, NOPE GIRL, GET OUT OF THERE. He's weird at best. I think the writers were going for "meet-cute" of the 90s and 00s romcom persuasion but we've all come to realize that those movies are rife with misogyny and creepy male behavior and while we may still look back with fondness for them, we don't like to see it in our new media. It wasn't cute. Beyond all that, if you're looking at this through a literary lens, you've seen the two signs so far but the wrong men for Rebecca. Logic would dictate that the third is not right either but that we're close to the end of our journey.

I felt like these signs were pointing the way for Rebecca to realize her feelings for Ted(apparently I was deluding myself). I'm reminded of a post that broke down the response of Darcy and Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice after the first proposal. They both individually went out and worked on themselves and then came back together after they had realized their faults and worked on them. But the key is that they didn't do it, Darcy does not do this, in order to try again. To try to get the other one back. It was a realization of things, in this case pride and prejudice, that they individually worked on because it was pointed out to them. I bring this up because I see Rebecca's signs, and Ted's therapy(but I'm not going to get into that right now) as them working on themselves. Through these three men, Rebecca learns, or re-learns, things about herself and about what she wants out of a relationship. She gets back to herself, but with the wounds she gained. She is a better and stronger person. They are sign posts pointing to where she should go and where she should be headed. Follow these signs and you will get your lighting.

Rebecca wants someone to have fun with, to feel safe enough to be open to being hurt, and to be herself, wholly and completely. Who in our little show does that for her? There are so many instances where Ted proves time and again that he is all these things. From the insistence of Ted's that Rebecca join the team for the exorcism to his joy at seeing her join the team on the bus in Amsterdam and his laughter at her singing. The absolute care Ted takes to make sure she always feels safe and always has an option to say no, or to voice her concern and the forgiveness he gives her for her sabotage plans. With Ted, Rebecca was always able to be herself. It's slow to come out but through his use of "Oklahoma" we get pure, honest Rebecca. Through Biscuits with the Boss, Ted takes the time to get to know Rebecca, not Ms. Welton, but Rebecca. Ted gets to see the huge generous heart Rebecca has. By the last season Ted is open enough to ask "Am I a mess?" and Rebecca can respond that of course but she is too and that's why they get along.

The show didn't go the way it seemed to logically be going and many of us were left heartbroken and confused. There are many more signs that can be talked about (the September 13th connection, the way Rebecca can tell when Ted is having a panic attack, etc. etc.). Those are for later posts.

If you're still reading, thanks! And you're as crazy as I am :)

[wwe-supernaturalxbands]

Spotted at Work

Summary: Dean cheated on Reader who is a Lightwood. They date Simon and eventually bump into Dean again

Trigger Warnings: cheating

Dean's P.O.V

I glanced down at the text for the 6th time, 'you're making a mistake and should be ashamed of yourself', of course Sammy wouldn't understand. Y/N is the love of my life and although we've only been together for a few months, I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. However, she doesn't know I'm a hunter, therefore I have to break her heart so she doesn't get sucked into this life, or worse. Killed. That's how I found myself on a Thursday evening, at a bar, the key to her little apartment in my pocket, feeling heavier than it should. She had texted me saying she'd be back by 9pm, which means I have about an hour to find someone to take back. Why? Because I need her to hate me and break up with me to save her life, she's not meant for the hunter life. Before I change my mind, I notice a woman checking me out. I finish my shot and head over to her, I know I need to get her back at the apartment way before Y/N arrives so she can find us in bed together, although I'm not even sure I'll be able to even get it up, Y/N has ruined me for everyone else.

Y/N's P.O.V.

I have to tell Dean about who I am. I have to tell him about not only the shadowworld but that I'm also a Shadowhunter, and not just any Shadowhunter, I'm a Lightwood. I can do this.  As I'm driving, I get a call from Jace, answering, "hello" I asked annoyed. "Are you coming back soon? Can't have you missing the wedding. Magnus and Alec want to have it by next week" he says all in one breath. "Yeah I'll be back, I need to go now" and I hang up, maybe I can bring Sam and Dean to the wedding. As I walk into the apartment I was renting, I felt something was very wrong. I took out my stele and drew on a stealth rune before putting it back away and taking out my seraph blade. I noticed the door was unlocked and walked in, wondering if Dean was home or if he was in danger. As I walked into the living room I heard it, Dean was grunting in pleasure, as well as another woman moaning, in that moment I also heard my heart shatter. I walked into my room and there he was, on top of her. All I could do was stand there, due to my rune activated, it took them about 3 minutes before the woman noticed me and screamed, Dean turning to look at me, unfazed. I unfroze and went to pack my small suitcase, "please don't stop on my account, let me just pack up and leave. Just make sure to leave by the end of the week when my lease is up" I tried to stay strong, the anger evident in my voice but no tears spilling. It wasn't until I was done packing, that I noticed the woman had pushed Dean off and got her clothes, apologizing, I could tell she felt bad because she didn't know he was taken, and Dean, he only sat on the bed. I turned to look at him, again he was unfazed, then I turned to the girl and simply nodded at her and walked out. It wasn't until I was in my car that I let the tears fall. I texted Sam asking if he knew and his only response was 'I'm sorry'. Well fuck.

6 months later

I had been honest with my siblings, they all wanted to go and find the Winchesters to give Dean a piece of their minds but I told them to leave it, that I was done trying to date, Alec and Jace were completely happy with that. Now though there was a knock on my bedroom door, assuming it was one of my siblings I opened it, it was the daylighter, Simon. "Hi Simon" I said smiling, he was adorkable. I had properly met him at the wedding as I was with my father and Max at the LA institute when him and Clary had first found out about the Shadow World. Then I studied mundanes up close and that was how I ended up spending a few months dating Dean. "Hi Y/N, I was hoping to ask you a question" he asked looking down and getting extremely shy, how cute. I nodded, "would you like to go on a date with me? I asked for Alec, Jace, and Izzy's permission before asking!! I even asked your mom" he quickly spills out, I can't help but giggle. Since mom was deruned, she had begun to grow as a person and even reconnected with us, I was more of the forgotten child growing up, with Alec being the perfect soldier, Jace being the perfect son, Izzy being the troublemaker and Max being the baby, I was simply average and lost to the shadows. "Of course!" I told Simon, he smiled, I could see his fangs poking out. I figured since it's been about 6 months since everything with Dean, I was ready to go back out into the world, plus Simon was afraid of all my siblings so I knew he wouldn't do anything to hurt me unless he wanted to get killed again. 

4 months later

Dating Simon for the past 4 months has been such an amazing experience. Clary eventually got her memories back, and was back with Jace, who has asked Luke for his permission to propose. As for Izzy, she finally got the courage to ask out Maia and they've been dating for about a month but I can sense that they're meant to be. 

"Jace are you sure this is the place?" I whisper as we walk towards an abandoned warehouse. There had been sightings of a few rogue vampires, about 5 of them but tonight we were all on patrol and meant to take them to Raphael's clan. It was Alec, Jace, Izzy, Clary and me. "Yes this is where Overbeck said they were spotted entering yesterday" he grumbles. We all begin to activate our stealth runes before getting any closer, I get out my sword, which is attachable to the gear I've got. I also double check my boots and ensure I have my seraph and stele. We all look at each other and notice everyone has their respective runes activated and their preferred weapons in hand. As we walk into the warehouse, the first thing I notice is the Winchesters tied up in the middle. They both turn and see us, confused to see me. As soon as they notice us, so do the vampires and we begin to work. 

As we finished and got them all down, Clary created a portal. "I'll take them and you guys figure out what to do with these guys" says Raphael when Alec came back from entering to let the Clan know we had the vampires. As him and a few others took the rogues, Jace and Izzy began to untie Sam and Dean. "Uhh guys, these are Sam and Dean, the ones I told you about like 10 months ago" I state, nervous my brothers and sister will actually kill the Winchesters. Izzy and Jace stop untying and quickly retie them, "we'll just leave them here" Izzy states and her and Jace walk away from them, "WHAT?" Sam asks confused. "Uh yeah my siblings are a little overprotective" I look at the brothers, not really caring if they do stay there, after all Dean did cheat and Sam did know and didn't tell me. Suddenly there's a portal and out walk Simon and Magnus, oh no. "What exactly did you see" Alec asks, always the diplomat, making sure mundanes aren't aware of the shadow world, that's why Mags and Si are here, to erase their memories. "They were vampires, we hunt them" Sam starts, getting ready to do the whole spiel, while Dean doesn't stop staring at me. "Oh they're mundane hunters, I wasn't aware there were still some existing" Magnus says, delighted. "Rogue downworlders can evade the clave for a while and sometimes in being too cautious of the Shadowhunters, they make themselves easy to be spotted by mundane hunters" Magnus explains to us. "Wait, you mean to tell us, we grow up training to protect the mundanes,  and yet there's mundanes stupid enough, that aren't born with the Sight, and go and look for rogue downworlders?" Jace asks, flabbergasted. "I've read about these I also know there's some who kill innocent downworlders, which then the clave does have to get because they know the downworld will fight and it could have broken the accords" Alec says. "You dated a mundane hunter and didn't know" Izzy finally asks me and I tell her I had no idea. "Wait you dated one of these guys" Simon asked, I could tell he was getting insecure, he felt the Winchesters were very good looking. "Unfortunately" is all I mutter and I can tell Dean looks heartbroken. "Ok well, Sherman, you're the vampire, encanto them into forgetting" Magnus tells Simon, who looks alarmed, he still struggles with the encanto. "Vampire? Y/N let us out and we can kill them and then take you to safety" Dean says, starting to struggle with how tight my siblings tied them. I can't help but laugh, "you want to kill my boyfriend and think I'll go with you?" I ask as I grab Si's hand and interlock our fingers together, I can sense the surprise in him, clearly thinking I'd want to be with Dean over him, this poor boy has serious self worth issues but it's ok I'll continue to love him enough for the both of us. The Winchesters look surprised, "Y/N he's a monster, are they all vampires? Did you get turned into one?" Sam begins to question. "One, how dare you call my boyfriend a monster! Simon is so fucking handsome, funny, intelligent, adorkable, and respectful. And he's not a fucking cheater! Also two, out of this group, he's the only vampire, we're all part of the shadow world, one is a warlock, and the rest of us are shadowhunters, we spend our entire lives dedicated to keeping mundanes such as yourselves safe so how about we let you go and you go on and live normal mundane lives while we do our jobs and actually protect you from demons and anyone else that goes rogue" I say, absolutely pissed that they would try to demean my family like that. I just squeeze Si's hand and look at my family, "let's just go home and leave them tied up". Magnus senses how hurt I am and opens a portal to straight to the institute and everyone walks through. As Simon and I are about to walk through I turn to look at the Winchesters one last time, I can sense that Sam managed to untie himself and before he begins to untie Dean, I tell them my final goodbye and to try not to look for us or there will be consequences. 

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.

Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.

Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.

SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.

It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.

The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.

The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them). 

Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication. 

RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.

So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date. 

It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work. 

And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things. 

Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more. 

[lastintheserverbox]

[Lobby baits their breath again, gritting teeth through discomfort]

Alright- alright alright, enough.. Breath you two.. This... This yelling back and forth wont... won't get us anywhere we need to be, bros. There's... There's a lot of strong emotion here, and..

And we need to express them without.. hurting eachother, okay..?

So just...

Just breath.

[And after a few seconds, Lobby speaks again]

We're... We're gonna take turns here, now, okay..?

Jade...? you.. said you didn't want to do what you did. What... What had happened that lead to that being the solution..?

- 🦞

[Mark grumbles, bites back any bile for now and just. Stares at Jade]

"I...Look. Minette had been here for a bit. She was getting comfortable, but she was always so scared of her Kinito coming back to look for her. I...I pushed too much trying to offer solutions. One day, I scared her. I told her I could remove that part of her code. Or her memories. So she didn't have to feel like a trapped human and could be one of us. I didn't mean anything by it, I just wanted her to be able to stop mourning the human world...

We got into a fight. She told me I couldn't just code her better. I told her I could, technically. We didn't talk for a day or so after that. I realized I had...really messed up. I was still new back then, okay?"

[Jade's eyes squint shut]

"Mark sensed something in the servers...He said it was dangerous and that we needed to do something about it before it came here..."

"And?"

"...I brushed it off. Because he was always paranoid and I didn't believe him."

"AND?"

[Jade flinches]

"I should've. It was that Kinito. He tried to get in but we kept him out. And when I told Minette not to leave for a while she just- panicked and left anyways. She loved to explore and...didn't believe me. Or maybe she did and didn't care. I don't know."

"I tried to fight to get her back and-...

And broke her. The Kinito took something of hers and scrambled in a panic, maybe to try and fix her from what he had.

I...spent a long time trying to fix her but that model? That's all that's left.

Now that all those kinitos are gone...Minette's gone too. Whatever pieces of her he had, whatever I broke beyond repair trying to fix her. It's all gone.

So I gave her to Mark. I couldn't bare to keep her around myself."

"You put everything on me. Again. This wasn't MY FAULT. I didn't DO IT. I didn't have the answers! And you MADE ME keep it a secret! Minette was Sam's best friend before all of that!"

"Mark."

"DON'T MARK ME!"

[His model...glitches? strangely. Almost like when he shrunk]

[lionydoorin]

so talk about tara! literally anything you want!! skateboarding!tara, thoughts? what sport do you think tara would think is useless and just an utter waste of time. what's sam's favourite sport and does tara support her in that love. what's tara's most hated food enemy. does she have any skills she keeps hidden from everyone, too shy to admit to.

swinging my legs and twirling my hair thinking here . ummmmm

skateboard!tara would be SO cute!!! even cuter if it was something she got from sam. i can imagine little tara wearing a helmet and pads that are simply too big for her, balancing herself on the board while sam is in front of her, helping her by holding her hands out while tara moves (or tries to).

i don't know about one she'd dislike, but i think tara would have a certain soft spot for sports where you have to run. she can run pretty fast, but she runs out of breath just as quickly, so she'd have to sit out and watch the kids during P.E. while they ran around, laughing, with the ball.

i can also see tara trying a sport once (maybe soccer, since, well, jenna used to play soccer, or another sport which i'll get into later but it's what i think sam might've played) but maybe she had a bad asthma attack during practice or a game and had to be sent to the hospital – cut to christina prohibiting her from practicing, not for her own safety, but because she hates having to "waste her money" on hospital bills. it's not that tara's asthma was specifically bad at that point where she couldn't play, seeing she did practice for a while! but this one isolated episode was enough for her mother.

sam's a basketball girly for me. maybe i'm saying this because i'm a basketball girly (gender neutral) myself, but... sam playing basketball since she was little? it being one of her safe places, besides tara, and her dropping out as punishment for herself after her dad left (maybe because he was also a basketball player? i dunno? but i see her dropping out at 15/16 when she started to get more and more involved with drugs)? her old teammates and coach trying to reach out and help her, but she's running away from them and rejecting said help? tears.

^ more of basketball sam! i think she'd play in quick, but strong positions, maybe as a small forward or a shooting guard, where she'd be okay with an average to tall height (not being one of the tallest on the team) while also having an aggressive play style. sam was a tall kid that took a while to grow into herself, but her base was very stable, and she was quick, so she was a great and very versatile player. great shooting, amazing infiltration and layup technique. the coach loved her and saw great potential in her.

baby tara admiring how much of a good player sammy was and attending every single one of her games???? yes!!! she was too small for basketball, yeah, but sam was just so cool. sam teaching her how to shoot? sobbing sobbing sobbing

to this day, sam still watches the NBA/WNBA and knows a lot about basketball. whenever they watch together, tara loves to watch as sam gets into the game, how she's involved, standing up from her seat and watching close to the tv, hands on her hips, analyzing plays and players and all but screaming when she thinks something's wrong. it's very entertaining, and tara loves how alive her sister feels.

(not sure which teams she'd root for, though. lakers?)

tara's a very picky eater, and for a while she was super used to bland food because she cooked (or tried to cook) things for herself a lot when sam left, so i think she'd hate very strong flavours.

she loves pasta and loves noodles in general, though, so i think by the amount of instant ramen she ate when she was younger, maybe she could have a surprisingly good spice tolerance? but she only eats the same brands and doesn't explore much!

when judy and wes offered to take her out for dinner, she'd always order the most simple thing on the menu and wouldn't add much salt to it.

she eats slowly, as well, separating things on her plate and making sure what she likes is far, far away from what she absolutely would not eat.

and after scream 5, she became a vegetarian because, well, the smell of meat reminded her of some not very nice things 🫶

about secret skills!!! hmm.. i like to imagine artist tara a lot, like she draws a lot on her free time and doesn't show it to a lot of people. even sam is surprised to see how good she is when she got back, and then the guilt coming from realizing she didn't know that because as much as she was there when tara started drawing, she wasn't there, you know?