#i don't hate myself by any means

[cosmicrot]

Talking to my therapist today, she was asking me random questions.. just to kind of get a peek into my brain. Things like what i’d consider a good life, my opinion on certain selfcare stuff, how I feel about this or that, things of that nature.

but the thing that really got me was when she asked what is the toughest decision i think i’ve ever had to make. 

I kind of told her that most tough decisions are often the toughest decision i’ve ever had to make.. that they’re either equal to or tougher than the decision before it. That it’s kind of hard to compare tough decisions unless they’re similar so in that moment, and sometimes long after [until the next tough decision] it is probably the toughest decision i’ve ever made. And I continue to make decisions every single day that people don’t even think about needing to make decisions about, things people don’t realize that they choose or that *anyone* would ever have to or want to choose. 

when I boiled it down, I said in recent years the absolute toughest thing i’ve probably ever had to decide on... is the choice to just continue getting help and getting ‘better’. 

She said she found that interesting [and kind of sad but she didn’t mention it until later] that for a disabled queer fumbling through life and constantly in pain, that the hardest thing I have to do, is decide every single day, that I will continue to try, and continue to get help. Every day I choose to get out of bed and go to my appointments, choose to eat despite it being scary sometimes, choose what i can or want to deal with that day and what must wait. I have to choose over and over and over again to keep going, cause as much as I want to curl up and do nothing for a week[or a month] I’m at a point where doing nothing causes my body to collapse and my mental and physical health to get worse.

so everyday I make that hard decision to just, keep trying. 

She said she never thought of that.. Never thought that someone would have to do that. That it was interesting, and a little sad. Tiring.  And it is, but we decided to romanticize it a little cause god knows I need that in my life lmao.

That every day when I make that choice I’m choosing to survive, in the same way you choose to love and care for someone even when things are annoying or difficult. In that way I choose to care for myself, in the hopes that one day instead of choosing these things out of survival, i might choose them out of love.

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

[byfulcrums]

i cannot stop thinking about anissa and marky though [COMIC SPOILERS]

how did he react when he learned what his mother did? just like mark, he lived a lie. he thought his mother was kind and nice — the only thing that is true is that she loved him, but now, he has no idea if he should believe it

and. you've grown up being conditioned to believe that violence is peace, and that kindness is a lie and a weakness. you hurt people. by hurting a person, by destroying him irreparably, you found the boy you love most: your son. and you don't regret it. you hope one day, once he sees him, he'll get it. but you still don't regret it. you can't say you're sorry

marky will grow up without his biological father, because when mark hugs him he can only remember his mother and what she did to him. your father can't love you the way your mom did. you can't love your mother the way your father loved his

the worst part is, that it she hadn't done it, you wouldn't have existed. you wouldn't be here. your father will grow to love you. you will grow to accept each other. but you tend to wonder — if he never sees you as anything else other than your mother's son, then who will you have when everyone else you know dies?

[necrotic-nephilim]

Sorry if this might be a rude question but why don’t you just make a seperate account for your nsfw fics?

not rude, it's a valid question! tbh it's a combination of a couple reasons.

i started posting anonymous dead dove batcest fics long before i had the balls to make a tumblr. at first i was content to just leave them unassociated with each other because i didn't really care about them being tied to me. i made this blog to actually show solidarity to my partner who wanted to make a sideblog for Sandman comic stuff so we could cheerlead each other and be brave together, since i've wanted to make a batcest sideblog but i've been nervous about actually having to get it going. (mal ik you're reading this go be brave and actually make your blog so i can cheerlead you damnit-) only did it dawn on me then that i should probably mention the fics i've written on the blog after like, three of them were posted anonymously. and it would've annoyed me to have half of them anonymous and half of them not, because notifications for them would've gone in different places. i could go back and take my fics off anon if i wanted to, but i can't switch the account they're on without taking them down entirely and that'd fuck over people who have them bookmarked already.

which, ties into my second reason, if i made an entire second ao3 account it'd be harder for me to see notifications, reply to stuff, and post things for both accounts because i'd have to constantly switch. and honestly i'd be terrified of accidentally posting on the wrong one on a brain fog day. posting fics is always the most tedious part of writing them for me lol. it's easier for me to stay logged into one account and have all of my stuff in one place for me and just use the anonymous collection when i feel like it. if ao3 pseuds worked like tumblr blogs, where you can't see all my side blogs but i can, i would've used pseuds, but since you can see all pseuds on an ao3, i felt it was a moot point.

and the last reason is i just feel more comfortable being anonymous on ao3 because of the rise in anti culture. on tumblr it's very easy for me to just filter that out and find the people i want to follow and block the people i don't. i don't mind getting hate, on tumblr or on ao3. but i think, for whatever reason you want to blame it on, there's been a massive boom of antis on ao3 who are very entitled about how they read on ao3. i tag extensively, but i just feel safer from getting targeted attacks if everything i write on ao3 isn't attached to one profile. if people like a fic i wrote, want to find more i always link my tumblr in the notes, but if an anti wants to get huffy with me, they can't easily track down my other things. they definitely could if they wanted to, but being anonymous on ao3 just makes me feel more secluded, in a weird way. it's like saying "if you want you can come find me but on here i'm just a weird faceless guy throwing stuff in the void". i've used ao3's anon feature a lot, actually, i used to be a hydra trash party dumpster kid back when that was in it's prime.

i also used to be vaguely popular on a different tumblr blog and my main ao3 and while i think it'd definitely be cool if i got a decent chunk of followers on this blog too, i don't really miss having fanfiction do so well i got targetted hate on all of my fics from the same people, i had my fics stolen, etc. it was really exhausting for me. i have 120+ works on ao3, not counting what's anonymous, and that level of exposure tires me, even when i use my main ao3 to post things that aren't trashy. it's just a weird feeling knowing so many people are subscribed to you on ao3 and what if you post something they won't like because you jumped fandoms again, or you're posting something niche, or you don't think it fills enough fandom tropes to be well-liked. i used to obsessively think like that, and it made me not write the things i wanted to because i cared about numbers. and i don't want to slide back into that hole. writing on anonymous is mostly to remind myself i wrote this for me, and if other people like it, they can come find me, but i don't have to perform like that anymore. if i get a really weird fucked up idea, i can write the really weird fucked up idea. at the end of the day, just makes me more comfortable! but i get it's a super confusing set up from an outsider perspective so, i really don't mind the question, thank you for asking!!

[carlyraejepsans]

they should've made my brother the older of the two of us. i mean he's smarter, he's cooler, he's bigger, he looks better than me, he's more determined than me, more analytical, more disciplined. of course, that'd mean I'd shrink into the background of my life like a rather pitiful peanut but hey, at least I'd have an excuse for it this time around

[outlying-hyppocrate]

well. did you fucking miss me.

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao

[theluminoussunflower]

being in the dps fandom is really something else bc some times someone will make a post being like "hang on did you guys see how neil BREATHED in this scene? and he only breathes like this in front of todd? does this mean he even watches how he BREATHES in front of his parents?" and all of the comments will be like "omg i never noticed that before great catch op!" and that's when i remember to watch something else for once in my life

[tricoufamily]

once again thinking about how easy it would be for me to be in a relationship if i was cis

[pendraegon]

while it is true that 9/11 played a role in mcr's conception and that isn't anything that is contestable.. you know what's truly ghoulish? seeing 9/11 jokes as if making edgy jokes + memes around an incident (i will also say that some of us never made these jokes/memes because our brains were never that fucking rotted) that TO THIS DAY has intense islamophobic and racist ramifications and acts of violence against large groups of people in the united states, but also seeing fucking mcr 9/11 jokes... it's no secret that bandom circles have always had a rampant problem with racism but you guys really are showing your true fucking colors huh.

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

[outlying-hyppocrate]

i have officially returned. ask me anything.

[bigger-picture-darwinism]

it's silly because i'm adamantly against having kids myself, i don't want them and i never have, yet i feel immensely guilty when people tell me i would be a good mom, because no i won't! i don't have the patience, i don't want the responsibility, it's just not for me. idk, a part of me feels like i'd be wasting my life by not raising a new one. agh.

[smute]

big epiphany you guys. big. huge.