#i don't go to church anymore
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I'm arguing with some catholic girl on tiktok (yes i know, first mistake) and she just told me that "going to church on sundays" is literally in the 10 commandments. Baffled actually.
#own post#catholicism#my credentials are life long trauma from catholic school and basic reading comprehension so don't try to tell me that moses and his crew ha#a) churches and b) sundays as their holy/'important to religious activities' day#she also claimed that the thing about not being supposed to take the eucharist when not “”pure enough“” (approximately paraphrasing) is#about going to church on sundays#when i have it on good authority (my catholic grandma) that it's about having gone to confession semi recently#like i feel this person is just obsessed with going to church on sundays#but girly this isn't the medieval times anymore the official doctrine is that being a good person is more important to getting into heaven#than Churchill attendance#obviously church attendance helps but they won't kick you out for being holier than jesus and never going#essentially#she's like really nice and all but she is factually wrong
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since the pride flag on my icon is apparently not clear enough: please for the love of god don't follow me if you treat gayness as some sort of leprosy that makes you feel the need to use tags like "caution: lgbt content on op's blog" when you reblog things. for fuck's sake
#'but aren't you doing the same thing by blocking them' I want to interest you in the paradox of tolerance and I mean that genuinely#it's a very interesting topic#tagging a content warning for queer content feels like. racial segregation mindset but for christians#......this is why I don't go to church anymore#it's mine my own my precious#not lotr
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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out of all the situations that make people on here talk like conservatives, atheism is the funniest one... i have to read a million quirky posts about catholic guilt but the second you find out some people don't do that shit you're suddenly the most spiritual person to ever walk the earth and god's most perfect princess?
#thinking about that usamerican post that was like 'not to alarm you guys but some atheists are like second or third generation by now...#it's not just people who know god is real but don't go to church anymore' like pleaseee this is a common and normal experiencein some places#i hate complaining about religion because i sound like ricky gervais but also i dont want to be involved with it.. it's not for me
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was gonna write a whole thing about how i was trying to work out how religion works in flatland and which families still go to religious ceremonies and festivals (that do canonically exist in the text) but honestly just sharing this convo between a friend and i from before configuration was even a solid idea is funnier
#anyway if we're sticking with basing stuff on the victorian era-- no bill was not catholic#the most popular church at the time was the church of england#which is an anglican-protestant denomination#so if i wanna be more thorough with the religious aspects of flatland i'm basing it more off that#but also bill doesn't go to church and hasn't since he was incredibly young#the ciphers don't really go either anymore
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I find it so funny when Christian people (or even ex Christian people) are astounded by my complete lack of knowledge around their religion. like I know some of the stories that they tell children in Sunday school, I know a few key things about catholics, that's about it. people are so confused when I tell them I've literally never read a single page of the bible
#think they're confused because i don't ''look'' like I'm apart of a another religion#and most atheists in the U.S. have had Christianity pushed onto them at some point in their life#either they grew up at a Christian church#or they had Christian family members#and like. i do. but my grandparents don't go to church anymore and they haven't for over a decade#not to mention neither of my grandparents are particularly attached to Christianity anymore especially not my grandpa#i was never bought a bible when i was younger#and i never went to any sort of Christian church
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lmao @ the post on my dash below the one I just made being about the evangelical christian persecution complex
#it's a subject that I regard with both scorn and a deep sense of pity honestly#because it's nonsense but it's also the result of purposeful traumatic conditioning since childhood#I think it's reductionist to be like 'oh they're just acting like victims because they can't be homophobic anymore!'#because unfortunately I can verify that they acted like that when they were allowed to be homophobic too#it's a very deep-rooted issue that's been going on for decades#and which is reproduced by purposefully traumatizing children so#it's all just very sad and weird and xenophobic#like I remember being scared for big bird when I was shown big bird in china because I'd been taught that I'd be killed if I ever went ther#they made me act out skits where I'd be murdered for refusing to recant my beliefs to 'prepare' me#I was taught how to use a gun when I was like... nine I think? at church camp#like I cannot overstate how fucked up it all is#and it's not okay but I don't think that making fun of people who went through that conditioning will change it#it'll just make them double down tbh#I understand the urge but I think it's probably counterproductive#like harassing mormon missionaries. feels good temporarily but it just makes them more ensconced in the religion.
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goodnight . easter tomorrow king
#i am going to the easter breakfast at church so i now have one easter plan instead of no easter plan#and then i will go home and write so i don't have to think anymore. if i can be honest#goodnighttttt. if i make it through tomorrow i will be GOLDEN#.txt
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Satenik actually had a really good relationship with Melik's parents and brothers (although tbh she was mostly making an effort to do so out of spite). Magnus could have had a much larger extended family growing up if Melik wasn't...Melik.
#satenik varoujan#melik hammersmith#magnus only saw his paternal extended family on christmas when they would go to church#so only the first 9 years of his life#after the divorce melik was like 'nope' and satenik was like 'well guess i don't have to suck up to the in-laws anymore :/'
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i just had the weirdest fucking dream
that was fucking spooky
#i was in a room with some person idk#it was dark#i think it was some sort of irl omegle if that makes sense??#anyway weird shit starts happening#things start moving and a black and grey shadowy figure starts moving in the mirror#like if any of you know that one mlp infection au on tiktok#with shining armor breaking his horn and the moving living trees#it was moving like how the trees and infected ponies move in that#then i woke up in the dream because apparently that was a dream in a dream#and i'm fucking somewhere with my family#like a road trip thing but i distinctly remember taking a bus from the church i go to#and there were some people from church????#i don't fucking know anymore just. what the fuck#didn't take meletonin btw#ethan's yapping again
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hi hello i’m still shaking but i need to discuss angels for man by rafael nicolas with someone i can’t do this, i never felt like this after a book what the fuck did you to me rafael
#angels before man#rafael nicolas#rafael why have you forsaken me so#i don't know what emotions are anymore#i laughed and cried and screamed today#i cursed and took it all back#i even prayed to God before i think my head broke#in short please pay my therapy#lovely book tho#<3#15/5 would recommend it to my church-going grandma
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You know what let's try to settle this
#idk about you guys but I'm going with option 4#ever since the church chapter I've been flip floping between thinking she'll be at PS or at the church#and now i just don't know anymore#csm#chainsaw man#csm reze#bomb devil#hyena ramblings
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"I am going to do some Gpose today" I have said to myself for a week or two since my health issues have been lessening... and then I think about how much energy and time it takes, and I just... don't.
#trapped in an ugly cycle of being disinterested in my own characters bc others are disinterested#but also over the last few years the RP focus has massively shifted to Elezen and Ishgard in the tumblr XIV community#I'll eventually find a way to meet people in other RP spheres...maybe#and I live in a place that's as cold and snowy as Ishgard most of the year... so I don't enjoy the zone at all#plus the themes in Ishgard are meh for me - I just don't care about the catholic guilt stuff#plus the church was overthrown so that's not even really a relevant zone theme anymore?#and the class warfare is more interesting in Ul'dah for me...bc it's warm and doesn't remind me that I'm *also* stuck in a frozen hellscape#anyways it's so cold that my bones hurt#going to reserve my spoons for a day I have the energy to spend like 8 hours taking pictures and video
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tatimaxxing (something big just happened to me but i can't talk about it on this blog because ive posted face)
#my friend's in the hospital again so i spent 20 on an uber with my other friend to go see her#but by the time we got there visiting hours were over 😭#so we just had dinner at the park#and i told her about The Big Terrible Thing for the first time#straight through without embellishment! yay! i think at least#because ive retold the story in so many different ways that im not actually sure what happened anymore#she was like super chill about it though!! and was like im really impressed that you actively made an effort to not be [REDACTED]#not really what she said more like Making An Effort to No Longer [Redacted]#redacted as an action not as a noun blah blah you know#and she told me about how shes faced discrimination at our super homogeneously chinese church which i feel REALLY BAD ABOUT BUT I DON'T KNOW#HOW TO EXPRESS IT TO HER OR WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT 😭😭😭😭 GIRL HELP#im being so useless and chinese about it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i don't know how to talk to people about things that matter#and idk like ok v non-tatimaxxing of me to say but ive been so self centered and going Wahhh these normies will never experience my#Deep Secret Emotions unlockable only by spending too much time on tumblr as a child#on the other hand i feel like once this has gotten out of the way i don't really have an excuse for not connecting with my church friends#yknow. like i don't have to hide this from them any more#they're great people!! and they're going through so much and I need to be there for them but I couldn't even get tothe stupidhospital on tim#not cry typing just ran out of space#anyway I wish I could care more about them I wish I could make genuine connections without having to lie to feel some sort of weird#rush of power over them because I know the truth and they don't when I lie so much I don't even know what the truth is#I've been putting my face on here more lately because I want to be genuine and I want to not hide things#but idk if it'll work I think it might just make me unemployable 😭😭😭#cc diary
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I know we all hate bitch ass Calvin and his pre-determination, but I just learned the term Arminian and think we should show homeboys Jacobus Arminius and John Wesley some hate too <3
#If you ever heard of 'backsliding' in church it's because of them#if you id as an apostate it's because of them#If you were ever told you couldn't become unsaved unless you rejected/denied Jesus entirely it's because of them#They're essentially seen as the mid point between Calvinist and other beliefs#Where you're pre-determined to go to Hell unless you become saved by your own free will#but human free will is evil or whatever#Wesley is the one who made it 'perfectionist' apparently#where if you desire/have the urge to sin you're not christian enough#you have to repent and give yourself away so much that you don't even wanna sin anymore#you also don't wanna do anything anymore tho so.....#I'm reading the wiki page for pentecostal rn and 'Baptized with the Holy Spirit' is sending me into flashbacks holy shit#I think my ex pastor said that every single service#these are also the fruit of the spirit/spiritual gifts folks#I've been saying my family is non-denom with baptist. methodist. and pentecostal influences#turns out they're pentecostal with baptist and methodist influences#including influences from things like IBLP. SBC. and IFB#shits fucked y'all#ex christian#religious trauma
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also today i learned about catholic on catholic racism (aka apparently some people have been giving my coworker a lot of shit for being eastern rite instead of roman rite)
#sasha speaks#literally even the church itself recognizes the eastern rites as being fully in communion and 100% legit versions of catholicism#(guy who had to take mandatory theology classes in undergrad at catholic college voice)#but roman catholics literally talk about it like they're completely foreign religions or something#like idk sorry you don't speak arabic or slavonic or whatever but that doesn't make it not catholic anymore#or give you an excuse to be a dick about it. lol#i don't have a dog in this fight outside of having someone who is frustrated by it as a friend/coworker i'm literally jewish#but i do think it's interesting nonetheless. (roman) catholics who try to go on about acceptance and diversity and unity within the church#the call is coming from inside the house#okay anyway
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