#like a road trip thing but i distinctly remember taking a bus from the church i go to

[therewillbenoromance]

i just had the weirdest fucking dream

that was fucking spooky

[humanitysteeped-blog]

An Ode to Connections:

I distinctly remember the moment my parents and I disconnected. I think we were always disconnected but I remember the moment it was served to me plain as day on platter called resentment. My dad and I were arguing and I eventually broke down crying and asked him why him and my mom always seemed to be uncomfortable around me. I asked him why he never talked to me about anything even though I had worked with him all day, everyday in his restaurant since I was thirteen. Being homeschooled made this possible. I was eighteen at the time and I'll never forget the hollow lonely realization pour over me as he looked me in the face and told me we had no relationship because I wasn't a Christian anymore. I had recently expressed doubt about my desire to live the reformed baptist lifestyle and my parents saw this as a reason to withdraw any emotional attachment to me. The funny thing is that my relationship with my father has been the same since I was five so his reasoning during this conversation was an excuse. Very recently the same conversation happened between my sister and my parents. They told her from then on their relationship with her would be "shallow." I'm going to tell you now there's nothing more hopeless and devastating that having your parents tell you they have no real relationship with you because you don't agree with their theology. I think this was harder for my sister because she at least enjoyed some closeness with them where I did not. Talking to my sister about this was difficult for me because I tend to be outraged when my siblings are hurt. Twenty-seven years of bitterness that I thought I had moved past reared its ugly head and I wanted to go to my parents house and give them the Sicilian tongue-lashing they raised me with. After the coffee date with my sister I began to think back on all the things I learned from my parents and all of the things that bound me to them. The list is short and sad. In fact my connection to my parents on an emotional level is non-existent at best. Once I let go of the overwhelming desire to win their respect, approval or whatever it was I had almost nothing to validate the desire to keep them in my life. A sons obligation to visit his parents and update them on the surface events of my life keep me around them week to week. I care about them but I can't say I wouldn't be able to live without them. I think that's really sad. I think my relationship with my parents is a good representation of most of my parents relationships. The friends they had when they were young, their families, their kids. All similar. Very surface, shallow. They lack human connection. So it's a small wonder that they told me every friend I had would fade away because I was gay or that I would never have real relationships....that was actually their experience with all of their relationships. Every "family" they built at every church they switched to eventually faded to pleasant acquaintance once they moved on to the next church family. After realizing this I couldn't help but wonder what defines a deeper connection with another person. What difference is there between my friendly acquaintances and the people that will always be close to me no matter where I go or what I do. What exactly is that strong bond of family and what is it made out of? And more importantly, what can keep a person from being able to develop these types of connections? When I was a young man fresh out of my parents house I was completely lacking any substantial connections. I had a lot of friends but we connected on a very superficial level. These were the people I partied with, went to dinners with, enjoyed festivals and worked out with. They were good friends but still fair-weathered friends. These type of friends make up the majority of our connections and these are good friends to have because you can share and experience life's excitement and happiness with them. The problem was these were my ONLY type of friends. I didn't see a problem with this. A normal healthy person has at least one or two people in their lives that they can be vulnerable with. These are the friends that you tell how you feel. These are the friends you don't feel uncomfortable about calling when you need help or need to vent. These are the friends that understand your moments of weakness are just that. They don't judge you for needing to fall apart or for sharing your craziest parts. That's a connection. I had no friends like this. I think our parents often set the tone for how we relate and connect with ourselves as well as other people. Not only did I not understand the concept of forging unique and strong bonds with people, but I also had no clue how to be open and intimate with myself. I was one of those people who could convince himself that he wasn't upset when he clearly is. Lying to ourselves is the most harmful thing we can do to the people around us. Bad interpersonal skills can keep us from ever being able to connect with anyone in a real way. I saw this in my parents growing up. This is why it's important to figure yourself out before getting married and having kids....your lack of self awareness can ruin lives. I was 19 when I went on a road trip with my best friend. This friend today is literally a sister to me and I trust her more than anyone. It was from going on a road trip with her and then later living with her that I learned about having connections with people. Real connections...the name we use for this is "relationship." For the first time I understood that a relationship is defined by trust and acceptance. We didn't agree on everything and yet it never caused any problems. When we did get in arguments she always made sure she came back and told me "hey! we're still best friends, fucker. You don't stop being friends just because shit gets hard." I needed this ideology in my life. The way I had grown up you were only valued as long as you met the requirements. Because of this I dropped friends and relationships as soon as there was even the slightest bit of tension or disagreement to avoid the rejection and loss that comes from not meeting other people's expectations or ideals. I came to the conclusion that what defines a relationship is the complete acceptance and trust between me and another person. It's through sharing the less pretty sides of yourself and seeing those parts loved and supported just as much as the awesome parts of yourself that creates the safety and bliss of human connection. And the funny thing is that only comes from sharing. You only get that by opening up and investing and then returning that attitude of acceptance and understanding. This changed who I spent my time with and how I picked my friends. I owe my friend/sister a great debt for exposing me to a real flesh and blood connection. I'm a lot healthier because of it. Thinking about this stuff brings me back to my parents and what happened to them to have them build such walls between themselves and any possible connections. I think there are thousands of reason why we are who we are and I don't know if anyone can even try to navigate and break down another persons story. The closest I can get is this: you can't avoid the things that hurt. You can't ignore how you feel about something even if you think it's dumb. You have to validate your feelings and the feelings of those around you. You have to recognize your fears and the fears of others. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and be ok with what you see. I've dated so many guys who are critical of everything they don't enjoy or agree with. Sometimes not sharing common ground with someone is scary and stressful because we want to control the narrative. This is why we belittle and poke fun at things we don't understand. We can't just enjoy what other people love. We live in a selfish one-sided world where we can only connect with people who are exactly like us because difference means you aren't driving the bus. I've realized that it's the differences that make the most fulfilling relationships and the deepest connections. Your friends and lovers balance you out and make you whole. If you only surround yourself with people just like you it's highly likely that you will always be stagnant and always sort of sad and lost. It's through connection and openness that you will thrive. Only through human connection can you find happiness because that's what we evolved to do. We are a bonding species. I think this is why the Bible said to love each other...everyone. Not just those who make you feel like you're as right as you've always believed you are. I sometimes want to take my dad out for coffee and ask him to tell me all about his life. Not his beliefs, but the things he did and felt and experienced. I'd want to listen to those things and be able to show him that I don't judge him. Sometimes even the most infuriating people are only that way because never in their life has anyone ever just sat and listened to them and proved to them that being a human isn't a disease, it's a gift. There's so many people in this world that still haven't figured out that their worth isn't in what they put on display, it's in the dirty broken stuff that formed them into something unique and strong. I have one objective in life. I have one wish that I think about every day. I wish that everyone I meet will be able to look into my eyes and know that whoever they are, no matter what they've done or how they look...I accept them. I want to know how they've gotten where they are and how they feel. I want to be a safe space. This world will break your heart over and over again. There will always be people who try to destroy your spirit for no other reason than because they are afraid and insecure. Get brave, get secure. Look at yourself and be honest about yourself because you are the only thing that can help save the world and you can only do that by seeing people and empowering them. Support, include, inspire, recognize, and appreciate...delight. If you can't get down with celebrating the humanity in other people than it's highly likely that you are still struggling with your own in some way. If that's the case I hope you'll talk to someone about it. Anyone. That's the only way to get out alive...by sharing...by connecting.