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yourflowersfirst · 6 days ago

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day 1,610

hold me, nicely. im so unlovely. my pain has caused

me to lose my god damn gratitude, how could i let this happen? i survived but im filled with misery. god has shown me so many things, but i cower in fear. i've seen it. i understand. sick of my own face, sick of my skin; im scared of the dark, kick my chest in. i'm known for leaning into the hand that beats me bloody, it's taught me death is like to be kinder than man. i've endured nausea every single night.

spit your blood into the cup and i will drink it down.

i kneel gently at the pew and pray and pray and pray that you will be the exception, you won't beat me bloody, so to speak. my dear, reminiscent of a corpse- you are unearthly in being. i would not change a thing of your rigor mortis for the world. id cough up flowers and slowly transform into a garden until you decided i'm worth something. you have no idea how lovely that is, how appealing the concept. how appealing you are.

i'm getting ahead of myself. i want to own, i want to

be owned. mom, if you're reading this, are you sure i was born a person, and not a vortex? i'm always hungry, i love the feeling of being starving. always swallowing. no matter how much i consume, my soul always aches with emptiness.

"i don't know," i replied honestly. "it's been 4 years, i've liked people, but it's just never gone anywhere. they don't like me back." i chugged more of my vodka lemonade with a tiny smirk on my face. the stars were shouting at me. it was awesome.

"ok, you're my friend, so i'll try to put this gently, but i'm gonna be totally honest," he replied. "it's because you're a whore."

static buzzed in my ears. the stars went dead silent. my eyes were slow from the alcohol, so i looked away from him and up at the moon, a waxing crescent. it took me 1o seconds at least. "oh." i drank more to keep myself from

tearing up.

"i’m sorry, but that's how it is. it's why guys don't..."

"yeah, yeah, i get it. it's fine. i know what i am and

what i do. i'm ok with dying alone, ya know." i didn't believe the shit coming out of my mouth. i could act as cool as i'd like, it didn't change how badly hearing the truth so blatantly hurt me. i could write a million poems, paint 400 portraits with oils, wear the cutest outfits, have the best taste in music, always make you laugh, be kind to everyone i meet - it wouldn't change what i am or how you see me. i don't hurt anyone. but i am a whore. that's all you see. not a single other part of my story. it's too late to go back and change this.

i pretend i'm ok with that.

i have friends, sure, but im the butt of the joke. people will point and laugh at my expense and i'll allow it, even though i know their worst fear in the world is to date some disgusting creature like me. "oh, i feel so bad for your boyfriend/girlfriend". i hear that more often than anything. please, go ahead and immediately dismiss my experiences. who cares what i've been through? that's irrelevant, obviously.

point is, i can smell the judgment on you. it stinks.

it's coming off your skin, and as such i will treat you like a threat. i will become nonexistent. i will cut you off the moment you think, "she must be a whore".

woe is me, even

though i’m not hurting anyone. i’ve been hurt physically and emotionally and what i did was a way to pay bills- no pain is caused. i would dissociate but that’s not the point. before all that, i have been left bruised, cut, sobbing, bleeding in a bathroom, you have no idea. yet, i am kind to everyone i meet, i treat you gently. none of this matters to you. the masses point with one hand and jerk off with the other, never mind the fact that i don't even do it anymore. please

objectify me, i'd be honored!

so i'll let my friends laugh at me. ask me questions

that make me uncomfortable, make my skin crawl. i’ll pretend it doesn't bother me. after all, this is my bed, and i shall lay and sleep in it. but not before bleeding all over the sheets. holy shit. my anger makes no difference. why did i even write any of this down?

when i find myself bleeding for the last time in an alleyway, or a bathtub, or across the bedroom floor- it will be rage who cradles my face more tenderly than god ever could. more than you ever could. more than any man ever could. it will be rage, with her calloused hands and warm heart, who thanks me for letting her burn for so, so, so very long, always silent, always under the surface of my skin. it will be rage, broken-voiced (hoarse after years of screaming for justice, for shedding tears every night for 1,610 nights), who tells me, "you've done good. i’m proud of you."

#day1610

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alwek · 11 months ago

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Spiders In My Head: I haven't been following ABS

My blog headline, as you all know, is 'Always Be Snackin.' A mantra I gathered from an old flame. It's, quite obviously, there to tell you to eat. To grab a bag of your favourite munchies and go to town at all hours of the day. But these last years I haven't been snakin.

I think it's safe to say at this point, that I'm anorexic. I can't get more than a bite or two into most meals before I feel full. Before I feel like any attempt to fill my bloating stomach anymore would make the flood gates burts and I'd vomit it back up. The worst part is smells, I think. When I think of what I want to eat, I think I could devour a whole plate meal. An entire horse could be shoved down my gullet and I'd want more. Until I get a wiff of that final product. It never smells how I think it will. I take one bite and I feel done. Like I can't eat this thing I was just craving. I've tossed whole meals because they went bad, because I couldn't eat it. It feels awful.

My stomach always feels like it's eating itself. I always feel hungry except when I've had half an apple and some pepperoni and cheese. I regularly get floored by my stomach warring against me for... something! I just don't know what. Because it sure isn't ever food.

Unless, it's PBJ. For some reason, at any point, I can down an entire loaf of bread if it's got a decent jam and peanut butter on it. I've done it before, and it will happen again. It has always been the only food I can ever actually get into me without some sort of negative reaction. That and cinnamon rasin toast. Ate a whole loaf of that last night.

It's hard. Especially while I'm transitioning, and need to be eating more than I ever have in my life. I want tits. Can't get tits without eating. But I can't eat jack shit usually. Not much of it, anyway. Very few things ever make it down my troat and through my intestines without trouble.

Maybe it's because my parents always blamed me for food going missing. Acting as though I wasn't the oldest of three teenage boys. Blaming every found wrapper, every vaccuumed crumb, on me. I wish it was me eating everything. Every time we'd get a new box of ritz crackers theyd be gone in two days. I'd rarely even see a half full bag, let alone an unopened box of them. Granola bars would go missing by the handful, fruit snacks eaten like ambrosia, and I was blamed for every missing morsel. Like the food wasn't supposed to be eaten in the first place. Like I'm the only one with a stomach in that house. It feels wrong to eat. Like I shouldn't be doing it. Like I'll get yelled at for having too much. For having a few crackers and a granola bar.

Maybe it comes from they way they yelled at me, too. Always calling me ungrateful for everything. Telling me "we give you all this food, and these clothes and this house. How could you act like this? You ungrateful brat." Sorry mom, I'm 8. What else am I supposed to do? Get a job and pay for my own food and clothes? Aren't you supposed to feed and clothe me anyway? Isn't that the basic requirement of your job as a parent? Would be nice if you could acknowledge that and stop making your 8 years old feel like shit because they got hungry and cold.

Maybe I just want to die. I dunno.

I'm always so hungry. And I never want to eat. I should always be snackin, as is my mantra. But here I am. Void of any sustenance. Empty as the hearts of my parents. At least back then. At least, that's what it felt like. I am the way they raised me, after all.

#simh #anorexic #food insecurity #trans #anorecxia #ramblings

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kaesaaurelia · 1 year ago

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a terrible way to run a universe!

For @whumptober day 27, using the prompt “Let me see.”

Continued from Day 5, wherein Aziraphale returns to Earth, has a big fight with some archangels, and is horribly injured, Day 8, wherein one of Aziraphale’s angelic allies while Crowley scrambles to save Aziraphale, and they all manage to get away, Day 15, wherein Aziraphale reveals that he’s stolen the Book of Life, and Crowley reveals that one of Aziraphale’s wounds means he’s probably going to Fall, Day 16, wherein Crowley makes peace with a former demonic coworker, treats Aziraphale’s wounds a bit more, and they enjoy each other’s company knowing they might not have much time together, Day 23, wherein the former Archangel Michael shows up at the bookshop, clearly Falling, and tensions arise between the various celestial beings gathered at the bookshop over what should actually be done with her, and Day 26, wherein Aziraphale comes down on the side of "Michael, figure your shit out," and also, incidentally, he might be turning into a lizard or something? Anyway, he's very hungry; Crowley figures maybe it's the Fall and he and Crowley have a very pleasant evening of (respectively) eating pastries and watching pastries be eaten.

Content warning for explicit sexual content which includes: mild xeno, involuntary transformation with sex pollen-y side effects, referenced feeding/stuffing, and extreme size difference. Ask your doctor if this Whumptober fic is right for you!

"Crowley? Darling?" Crowley awoke, pleasantly achy and somewhat less pleasantly sticky, to a too-bright room and Aziraphale standing over him.

"Mnh?" Crowley squinted up at him. He was definitely more scaly today, although he still had his hair. Actually that seemed to be growing in tufts on his arms now, which was definitely another one for the Not A Lizard column. The wound on his shoulder was putting off a pleasant yellow light, as if the sun was shining out of it.

There was something else weird about how he looked, and Crowley couldn't quite put his finger on it. "Yeah?"

"So sorry to wake you, but, er. I don't trust my miracles at all anymore, I tried to change the bathroom around a bit and instead I got vines. I didn't want vines at all."

"Right. Yeah. No vines," said Crowley. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and stood, wondering what it was Aziraphale needed to be different about the bathroom.

When he opened his eyes, though, that became a bit clearer, because Aziraphale was still standing over him. Crowley only came up to a bit past Aziraphale's elbow. The rest of the room was the same, so presumably Crowley hadn't shrunk himself by accident.

The word dragon floated through Crowley's brain as he felt the heat coming off of Aziraphale's body.

"Yes, it's a bit much, isn't it?" said Aziraphale, looking sheepish. (Not dragonish at all, that.) "I just. I'm very itchy, it's all these scales, and --"

"Yeah, a bath would help with that," said Crowley. He was trying very hard not to stare. "Are you. Are you feeling better otherwise?" There was an awful lot getting lumped into that otherwise, Crowley had to admit.

"Well, I'm not dizzy anymore," said Aziraphale, "which is nice, but this is all very disorientating and my whole body feels like there's too much of it. Which is probably because there is. Look, this -- this stops, right? I get to go back to normal eventually, don't I? Because I can't change anything about my body right now, and last time we saw Satan, he, er --"

Crowley laughed; he couldn't help it. "No, angel, that was all for show. I mean it wasn't not real, but -- no. You'll probably have some sort of tell, but you won't be stuck like that forever. Come on, I'll miracle the tub for you." He pushed past Aziraphale and into the bathroom, which was rather small. With a snap of his fingers the whole room was much bigger and instead of the tub there was a sort of Roman bath setup, which Crowley thought went very nicely with the vines, actually. He stepped back, made the doorway into a sort of archway, and turned back to Aziraphale.

Who looked awfully dismayed for some reason. Crowley noticed that Aziraphale's cock had perked up in distinct interest, and he supposed Aziraphale might be embarrassed about that, even though last night Aziraphale had been delightfully shameless. But that was in a body he'd been more or less comfortable in, and now it was clear that it was rapidly becoming some other sort of body entirely, so maybe that was it. "Come here, tell me if this works for you," he said, and stood aside to let Aziraphale see the bathroom.

(He had the stubby beginnings of a tail, Crowley noticed. Same nice arse, though. And his thighs. Fuck.) "Oh, this is lovely," said Aziraphale from inside the bathroom.

"Don't suppose you'd mind sharing the bath, would you?" Crowley asked from the doorway.

"Ah. Well. If you like, I suppose," said Aziraphale doubtfully, his voice echoing slightly.

So as to leave no doubt about whether or not he would like to share the bath, or what he might like to do once he was there, Crowley said, "Have I mentioned I can unhinge my jaw?"

There was a loud splashing, as if Aziraphale had fallen into the bath, and when Crowley wandered in he found himself glad that he'd done that little miracle to keep the rest of the room dry. Crowley had made the bath nice and deep, and Aziraphale was just getting his feet under him, his hair plastered to his skin. The water came up to his chest. "Crowley, you can't just --"

"I absolutely can. Would you like a demonstration?" Crowley asked, stepping into the bath.

Aziraphale made a noise. "Please." He scrambled -- a little frantically -- so that he was sitting on the side of the bath, his cock now livid and fully hard, and Crowley swam across to sit next to him.

He ran a hand up the shaft of Aziraphale's cock experimentally, and Aziraphale whimpered. He'd had had a nice thick cock before; now it was too thick for Crowley to wrap his hand around. "You know I'm going to want to ride thiss thing too, yeah?" Another wordless noise. Crowley began stroking him with both hands, pleased with himself and with the already-overwhelmed look on Aziraphale's face. "Dunno what you were sso embarrassed about. Not like I didn't feed you eclairs with one hand and jack off with the other last night," he said. "Thiss isn't really any weirder."

"It's not -- not that, it's -- I've been -- whenever I look at you, practically -- had to get out of bed -- it smelled like you -- and -- and it's not just that, I'm -- oh, keep doing that -- I'm still hungry, and -- oh, God -- it's all too much..."

"Mngh. That'sss." The main downside Crowley could see was that Aziraphale was going through this at a rather critical juncture in the whole Heaven-tries-to-end-the-world debacle, so Crowley couldn't actually pat his hand (or any other part of him) and say There there, we'll get through this together. Have as many eclairs as you need to console yourself, and I'll ride your absurdly huge cock until we both pass out. "D'you want me to handle the whole, er --"

"I want you to unhinge your jaw," said Aziraphale, sounding strained. It was a reasonable enough request, and Crowley was happy to comply, and the next moments saw him carefully easing Aziraphale's cock down his throat. "Oh, Crowley, oh, you're so, oh," said Aziraphale, and Crowley could feel him shaking from the effort of not jerking his hips forward, presumably out of consideration. It was an awkward angle, and Crowley found rather quickly that he couldn't exactly bob his head up and down because too much of his throat was involved, so it was more of a whole-torso motion, but it was very worth it to hear Aziraphale say "Fuck" again when Crowley swallowed around him.

Once Aziraphale finished and Crowley eased himself back off his cock, it took a few moments to put his mouth and throat and everything back where it ought to be. "Are you all right?" Aziraphale asked.

"Fine," said Crowley, still sounding a bit rough. "Think you might've got bigger while you were in me, though. Don't worry, I didn't mind, it was kind of hot," he said at Aziraphale's concerned expression.

But then his eyes traveled downward, and he saw that Crowley was still hard, and Crowley had a moment's warning of seeing want flash across his face before Aziraphale repositioned him slightly, hopped down into the water, and parted Crowley's legs to envelop his cock hungrily.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, angel," said Crowley, immediately overwhelmed. He put both hands on Aziraphale's head, and found that poking through his hair -- shaggy and a bit more like fur now -- there were the beginnings of horns. "Can't believe you have handles now," said Crowley.

"Mmm?" Aziraphale said around his cock. His hot wet mouth was already overwhelming without that, and Crowley was really not sure how he was going to survive any of this. He clung to one of Aziraphale's horns for dear life, and got an answering "Hmm," which seemed pretty affirmative.

Crowley came soon after that, and watched in mild awe as Aziraphale -- who'd apparently got hard again with Crowley's cock in his mouth -- sat next to Crowley again and jerked himself off. Crowley would have offered to help, but Aziraphale had started before he'd even caught his breath, so Crowley watched him, head thrown back and lost in pleasure.

Aziraphale came in his hand with a shuddering moan. Crowley miracled him clean, and then, for good measure, miracled the bathwater to stay clean, because if he couldn't do his own miracles he might as well have a nice bath and also a nice wank in same.

"This is absurd," said Aziraphale, after a moment catching his breath. "How am I supposed to accomplish anything like this?"

Crowley was feeling fairly accomplished, because he'd never sucked a dick quite that big, but he didn't think Aziraphale needed to hear that just now. "Don't think you are, angel."

"This is a terrible way to run a universe," said Aziraphale. This would not have made it into Crowley's top seventy thousand criticisms of God, but to each his own. "Perhaps it's like what Michael was talking about with Lucifer. Only instead of rage and hatred and pride, it's... gluttony and lust?"

"Earthly pleasures, maybe?" Crowley suggested. "Don't really think lust ever got you into Hell unless you were ruining someone else's life over it. Since you're not some sort of opera villain, I think it's just lust-the-feeling rather than lust-the-sin."

"Maybe," said Aziraphale. He still sounded worried.

"The bath really will help with the scales, though," said Crowley. "Maybe it's like when you need a good shed."

"I don't think I'm turning into an actual... properly lizardy lizard," said Aziraphale. "Hang on, what was going on with --" He felt around the top of his head, and found the horns. "Oh. No, I suppose I'm not."

"Let's face it, you were always a bit dragony about the books," Crowley said fondly. He stood and leaned forward to kiss Aziraphale. If two orgasms in quick succession couldn't cheer him up, Crowley could at least get him some food. "I'll go see about getting some carry-out sent up, yeah? And I'll miracle up some clothes that actually fit."

"I really don't know what I would do without you," said Aziraphale, with a fond smile.

"Sit here starving and itchy, and wank a lot?" suggested Crowley. Aziraphale made a face at him. "Well, either way it certainly beats dying."

"There is that," Aziraphale admitted. "Do you mind -- er, before you go... would you... that is. You said you wanted to ride me?" Crowley looked down and saw, to his surprise, that Aziraphale was almost fully hard again, with no miraculous intervention at all. "I'm sorry, it really is constant, and you're very..." He looked Crowley up and down, and swallowed. "Well. You were distracting even when I had any sort of self-control."

Getting that whole thing into him might take some doing, but unlike Aziraphale, Crowley's body was doing what he asked it to, so he grinned. "Self-control's overrated anyway, angel."

When Crowley left the bedroom (on somewhat wobblier legs than usual) it was no longer morning, and he was almost immediately accosted with problems that were much less fun than the ones he'd been having with Aziraphale.

He took two steps and suddenly there was Vehuel. "Crowley! There you are! Gabriel and Beelzebub showed up this morning," she said, "and that baby butch scrivener Aziraphale had running this place keeps calling him Jim? And everyone is saying, oh, they broke with Heaven and Hell, they eloped, they're fine, actually, and, and, I don't know, I just don't like it. Gabriel's so fucking smug, and he's the only person who could've gotten away with eloping with a demon, and --"

"I didn't like it either," Crowley said, "and I survived. And they did break with Heaven and Hell, and he almost didn't get away with it, and they did actually wipe his memory, and it made him..." He made a face. "Nice. It was all very stupid," he added, "but it was very earnestly stupid. Where's Beelzebub?" he asked, because it occurred to him that they might know more about Lucifer's Fall than he did.

"Ugh. Downstairs talking to Nisroc about wedding things," said Vehuel. "I didn't know you had to rent chairs for weddings. Or silverware. Why can't you just use regular chairs?" Crowley raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"Are you two back together, or...?"

"Yeah. Um. Since the first apocalypse didn't happen," said Vehuel. "I didn't want to rub it in, because, you know, you and Aziraphale..."

"Are you... getting married, then?" he asked.

The expression on Vehuel's face suggested that she had never properly thought about this. "Technically I think we're still married, although she kidnapped the priest so maybe that doesn't count. Maybe... I should talk to her about that? I know she likes weddings, so it could just be that. She's been married a lot more times than me, but it's mostly been for life insurance payouts."

Crowley knew better than to suggest that perhaps Vehuel shouldn't be dating someone who'd been married multiple times for life insurance payouts. Besides, Nisroc was a huge improvement on several of her exes. And they had a kid together, sort of. He made a noncommittal noise, which she could choose to interpret as encouraging if she liked.

"Everything okay with Aziraphale?" she asked. "Is he doing better?"

"Better, but... complicated? I don't want to go into it," said Crowley.

"Is he, you know..." Vehuel made a gesture Crowley assumed was meant to convey Falling and not gay, because she had met Aziraphale. Crowley nodded. To his relief, she looked heartened by that. "I'm so glad he's not dying. Hopefully, anyway," she said, holding up both hands with crossed fingers. "Good luck."

"Thanks," said Crowley. He headed downstairs, but before he could find the wedding chair discussion, he was accosted by Nanael.

"Mr. Crowley! There you are!" she said, uncommonly pleased to see him for an angel he didn't know that well. "Or, or I suppose just Crowley," she amended. "I did want to thank you for --"

"No, it's fine," said Crowley. "Just a lot of -- you know, fassst driving. Implicating an angel in crimes. It was nothing I wouldn't have been doing anyway."

"It was occupied France," said Nanael, and Crowley could not really argue with that, it was definitely occupied. And indubitably France. "And then you gave me that kitten."

"Just a favor for Aziraphale," said Crowley. He'd got to shoot at some Nazis and pretend to be a spy, so it wasn't as though he hadn't got anything out of it. The fact that he'd fobbed a kitten off on an unsuspecting angel was irrelevant to everything.

"Well, it was still very kind of you. But also," said Nanael, before Crowley could even recover from these spurious allegations of kindness, "is Michael just... staying here?"

"Think Aziraphale wanted to wait on making that choice," said Crowley.

"Can I speak to him about it?"

"He's not really up to much right now," said Crowley. That was sort of the opposite of the problem Aziraphale had, but she didn't need to know that. And anyway, he'd helped Aziraphale get all cozy in front of a fireplace with the Book of Life, which was apparently an interesting enough puzzle to distract him from sex, but if it was that interesting he certainly wouldn't want to be distracted with more questions about Michael.

"Oh. Well. I... can ask you, then. I would like to talk to Michael about some things." She was clearly trying to be polite, but sounded awfully tetchy about whatever the things were.

"You just want to talk?" Crowley asked.

"After you got me out," she said, "I went to stay with Cerviel while Heaven decided whether to give me back my miracles. And he has this very big book full of things he would like to tell God, about what might have been done better. And I don't think I would dare," she said, "but. But I do have a smaller book. For what Michael ought to have done better. And I brought it with me. And I would like to explain some things to her, about how you ought to treat people."

"Sssorry... Cerviel has a book of constructive criticism for God?" Crowley asked.

"It's extremely thorough," said Nanael.

"Well. I'll, er. I. Don't know exactly what's going on with Michael, but I'll let Aziraphale know," said Crowley. "Maybe not about the book, you don't want to go telling Aziraphale about rare books you have if you want to keep them, but --"

"Thank you," said Nanael, and then, appallingly, she hugged him. She left without apology or explanation, and Crowley resolved never to do any more favors for Aziraphale that involved other angels.

He'd found Nisroc and Beelzebub, who were hard to miss because Nisroc dressed like a pack of highlighters had thrown up on her, but before he could approach the two of them, the third angelic problem accosted him in the form of the door to the bookshop opening and the Archangel Raphael stepping in.

This really should not be Crowley's problem, because he was of the understanding that there were patrols around Whickber Street to keep any hostile Heavenly forces out, but then one of the Principalities (the one Vehuel kept getting mixed up with because their athletic teams were both named after socks) popped his head in and said "He's cool, don't worry," and then withdrew from the situation entirely instead of taking responsibility for dropping an archangel into their midst.

(He shouldn't keep getting mixed up with Vehuel, Crowley decided; say what you would about Vehuel, but she took responsibility the way Aziraphale took free samples at cafes and bakeries -- with reckless abandon and as many times over as possible.)

Raphael looked around the bookshop with mild disdain, and then his eyes fixed on Crowley. "You! Serpent! Where's Aziraphale?"

"I have a name, you know," said Crowley. "He's indisposed. What do you want?"

"Well, I --"

"Raphael! Holy shit!" said Nisroc, breaking off her conversation abruptly and hurrying towards him.

"Oh! Nisroc!" said Raphael, looking pleased to see her. This was extraordinary not only because it was Nisroc, but because Raphael was supposed to be infamously unpleasant, and was never pleased to see anybody. "How have you been? I haven't seen you in ages."

"Yeah!" said Nisroc. "You know, been through some career changes and then had to fake my death after I Fell because you narced on me and the other Watchers to Michael."

"What? I didn't do that," said Raphael. "I only said --"

"You fucking did, because she found out right after the prenatal exam, and --"

"But I didn't say --"

Crowley left them to their argument, thankful for Nisroc just this once. He walked over to Beelzebub, who was now boggling at the altercation between Nisroc and Raphael. "I need to talk to you about something," said Crowley.

They blinked at him. "What?"

"Ssomething private," he said. When they hesitated, he added, "Oh come on, you don't want to talk about wedding things all day, do you?"

"They started with chairzz but we'd moved on to tableclothzzz," said Beelzebub. "What are the chairzz for?"

"Sitting on? Fuck if I know," said Crowley, "I've never been married."

"What? Really?" said Beelzebub. "But I thought you and --" Crowley caught them by the elbow and dragged them off to a quiet corner where Nisroc's recitation of ancient injuries was only a distant fury.

#whumptober2023 #no.27 #let me see #good omens #fic #nsfwhump #sex pollen cw #xeno cw #involuntary transformation cw #food cw #size difference #nsft #aziraphale #anthony j crowley #ineffable husbands #disaster principality vehuel #text #fiction #kaesa op

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famousaft3rdeath · 1 year ago

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another of my dead friends passes through, like a gentle hand grazing tall grasses.

i don't have much more to say about that. it doesn't feel real yet. i know how this goes. i won't be able to feel much until later.

i am fucking miserable. so nothing has changed.

i cut up my arm today rather than my legs. i don't really care who sees at this point. what are they going to do? i'm an adult. i make my own decisions. i am deciding, in sound mind and body (lol), to self-mutilate. it's a constitutional right or something. no one can really do anything. so why not let them see? who cares? i'm running out of space on my legs anyway.

not really, actually. maybe i just want someone to see. that's terrible. i really am doing it for attention. i truly just want someone to know i'm suffering, though. i shouldn't. i should take the high road and try and mask my suffering to the world and only let it out here, but i'm not noble enough for that. when i suffer, i shout it from the rooftops. i make my misery known to all. it's a terrible trait of mine. one of my least favorites. no matter how hard i try, i can't suffer in silence. i must drag everyone else down with me.

add it to the list of reasons i should die, i guess.

i haven't eaten or slept. i don't want to. i told my friends i'm feeling sick and don't feel like eating. not untrue. but they wont believe me for long. not sure what i'll do then. i'm committed to keeping it up this time, though. finally being in control of my weight. being small, thin, fragile. i've never wanted anything for longer than i've wanted to be thin. i just want to be valuable. right now i'm worthless. but if i can be small? then i'd be okay. small in more than one sense. physically, as in weighing an amount that isn't grossly underweight (guys don't like that) but definitely not approaching overweight. small in my personality, though, too. not laughing too loudly. not speaking until spoken to. reserved. beautiful. i've always been too much. i'm sick of it. it will change.

today i ate a salad (lettuce, corn, peas, carrots: absolutely no dressing), a grilled chicken breast, and a hard-boiled egg. i also had a 10 calorie celcius, which technically isn't in my diet, but the caffeine is worth it. i'm limiting myself to 1 per day, 10 calories maximum, and only if i have at least 8 cups of water as well. i think that's fair. they didn't have energy drinks when this diet was invented. probably. it's going fine so far. i'm hungry, but that's to be expected. i ate like a pig before. i'm really hoping to start seeing my body shrink soon. i need to work out more too. that will definitely help. i'll have to have an energy drink beforehand to get me through it, because i wouldn't want to get lightheaded and pass out. that would cause too many problems. can't have that. everything must go according to plan.

this is the first time i've given myself to just think. i've been trying to drown myself in work so that i don't get all sad when i have shit to do. i didn't get much done, ironically. it sucks, existing like this. just to carry on tomorrow. i really don't think i'll be content with anything anymore. that's a topic for a different day.

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year ago

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Hi, so first of all I would say this is actually kind of urgent because it's really distressing me and I have nowhere else to go to and no one who can help me, but I wouldn't classify it as an emergency or crisis situation. I've just been having a very difficult time dealing with this, it's extremely disruptive and general advice like "Name 5 things you can see" or "Just do yoga" isn't cutting it right now, my job is at risk, and I feel like if things don't improve then I might have a breakdown.

Trigger Warning: Binge eating, weight mentions, chronically ill mom, verbal abuse

Looking for: Advice for my specific situation

Currently cannot access therapy, nor do I have access to caregivers/nurses or family members who can help me.

My mom is permanently bed-ridden. She has binge eating episodes but doesn't want to get help. She is overweight but the problem doesn't have to do with her weight so much as the mental impacts it has on her, like feeling of a loss of control during binge episodes, getting into dramatic moods during binging, and it's almost like a drug (she'll be going through a 'high' during the binge and then once it's over with she goes back to being unhappy and taking things out on people). When other people criticize her, she automatically thinks what they are criticizing is her weight rather than the mental aspect and how wildly she behaves, and she'll say things like "They shouldn't talk about me when they weigh even more than I do!"

Because my mom cannot get out of bed, I'm the one who has to cook everything for her. She starts asking for strange foods (like wanting me to cook things for her that aren't usual for us to eat, or that I've never prepared before). And she'll start adding on more and more details, so I can't really 'meal prep' because it always ends up becoming unpredictable. For example, today, first she wanted me to make her meat with rice as a side dish, which I'd consider a normal/simple meal. But then she kept adding on more instructions and by the end of everything it turned into a total different meal that I had to cook 5 additional things in order to complete. She comes up with the instructions spontaneously ("Oh, I want you to make this other food and then add it to the dish, too!") so it interrupts the cooking process and a lot of time also gets wasted reheating food since (quote from her) "I need to have my food very hot."

Afterwards, she will ask for an equally complicated dessert, have me make hot drinks for her, sometimes bring her more food, and literally keep eating and eating for HOURS, until she gets bored of it. And she's even admitted herself that she "does it out of gluttony" so she's not even hungry anymore at that point and admits it but she doesn't care that she is making me go through a lot of work just to appease her.

Now. The problem is that I have a job where I have to concentrate in front of the computer... and it feels extremely impossible to concentrate in front of the computer for long periods of time when shit like this keeps going on constantly. I had a friend suggest setting boundaries with my mom, but clearly my friend does NOT know what my mom is like (my mom doesn't give a fuck basically because she thinks everything needs to revolve around her). Also, I am chronically ill myself both physically and mentally, so often times, I'll be feeling completely drained. My mom is verbally abusive and says "My food takes no time to make, you just don't want to work and then blame everything on me, you are so ungrateful and useless." and constantly mocks me for supposedly not doing enough for her even though I don't know how many other people would spend hours every single day making ridiculous foods their mom starts craving on a whim. I am fucking tired to death, I am sorry but I just feel like I am reaching my limit with this. Like I woke up so motivated to work today and now it's all gone to shit because I'm TIRED and my mom doesn't even appreciate what I do, she gets pissed off at me for not looking happier while helping her, she thinks my job is stupid anyway, and God I'm just sick of all this.

Anon with the binge-eating bed-ridden mom again. Want to add an update. TW self harm. So last night I thought my mom was asleep and I ate something, which turned out to be like the greatest sin I could have committed and threw her into a rage. She got mad at me because I ate without telling her (whenever I eat or drink something, the "house rule" is to always offer my food/drink to her, which I would've done as normal except I thought she was asleep and didn't want to wake her up). She began screaming at me, and when I said "I didn't know you were awake, can I bring you food?" she refused it. But even though she didn't want the food she kept bringing me down while I was eating, to the point I felt so sick I couldn't finish my food. I know you might suggest "Go eat in another room" but I share a room with my mom in order to help her, and I really didn't think it would blow into a big deal because like I said I was sure she was asleep. I may try to avoid her while eating my own meals from now on even when I think she's asleep but yeah at the time I just didn't think of it because I would've never guessed this was coming. Because of all the guilt-tripping and feeling like a shitty person, I self harmed before I fell asleep. (And also today because of the next thing I'm going to describe) Thought my mom might be over it today, but actually she was even angrier than before, she was still screaming at me, telling me I'm trying to imitate girls who disrespect their moms because I think it's cool/trendy to act disrespectful and that eating my without offering it to her was a sign of disrespect to her (EVEN THOUGH LIKE I KEEP FUCKING SAYING, I WOULD HAVE OFFERED IF I THOUGHT SHE WAS AWAKE). And then after yelling at me, she jumped straight into making me cook things for her to binge eat again, and I still haven't been able to get the work for my job done, which is due very soon. It's not getting better for me.

Hi anon,

I'm genuinely sorry to hear about the situation you're in. It sounds super controlling and exhausting to live with. It's incredibly frustrating to hear about the way your mom treats you. It's normal not to offer food to people and it doesn't make you disrespectful. It sounds like she puts such incredibly high expectations on you that it's costing your mental and physical health, and it sounds like it's also starting to encroach on your job responsibilities as well.

Perhaps this is something you've considered, but is there anyone else you could stay with? It sounds like this environment is extremely toxic and taking a toll on your mental health. I know you said you don't classify this as an emergency or crisis situation, but for the sake of your health it is worth thinking of it that way. It may be worth involving the authorities here. I'm not usually so straightforward but you cannot afford to live like this. Here is a list of international crisis resources, ranging from suicide to domestic violence and child abuse.

If anyone has any suggestions or insight, I strongly recommend sharing your input here. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw emotional abuse #trauma details

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tackyink · 3 months ago

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tw: eating disorder, weight talk

Gotta say though, if the casual bigotry infuriated me, what really got under my skin was the comment about my weight.

When I was 21 I had a very bad period: awful breakup, major financial problems, high stress to keep up with uni work and extracurriculars (I had a very strict schedule and I could not fail any classes because I'd be out of a scholarship and have to drop out), and general disenchantment with the future in the middle of the worst recession since 1929. A beloved friend was out of town for most of that year too, and she was going through a terrible time as well. Nothing I was doing mattered anymore.

At some point during that summer, I became unable to eat normally. I was so anxious all the time, I had trouble swallowing. My stomach felt full all the time, even when I hadn't eaten in hours. I was so depressed that it became easier not to try. I was tired and sleepy all the time. I had constant nightmares, but that was still better than being awake. Hours passed excruciatingly slowly, otherwise.

I had been a chubby child and teen in the 90s, forced into physical activity I did not like to control my weight, and as time went by and that weight redistributed, that went away, but my self-image didn't change. So when I started dropping weight that summer? Well, that was the one silver lining of this situation! I could lose weight like that. I'd be sad but I'd look better.

I started eating even less than my stomach would allow. Try to see how far I could push it. If I was hungry, I could drink water and sleep. I checked the labels of everything before eating. I weighed myself obsessively. My only salvation was that my parents cooked for me at lunch, and I was still aware that what I was doing was wrong. I set myself a limit, and if I went below that I told myself I'd go to the doctor. I was near 45 kg when I decided that I couldn't let it go on and forced myself to eat progressively more and to stop skipping meals.

I dropped 5 kilograms in a month. I'm 162 cm tall, and at my heaviest, in my entire life, I was 52 kg. A few months ago a friend sent me one of the very few pictures I allowed when I was a teen from the first time we met outside a convention, and I wanted to cry. I was the same height and weight I'd be at 20, but a doctor had looked at an age chart and told me I was 6 kilograms overweight so that was a problem. I had gone over ten years with a completely warped image of myself. I still can't see myself right in a mirror. I like looking at a scale every now and then because I have an objective number and my self-perception can't say shit about that.

My current weight is stable at around 48 kg. I still look at the labels on products sometimes, out of curiosity, with no heavy feelings, but during my entire twenties I read them with dread, even if I was eating normally again. It doesn't matter how long it lasts. When you have a brush with an ED, something in your brain remains changed forever. You can recover with time, but you'll always be more prone to relapse than someone who's never had one. I refuse to do any special diets or watch what I eat other than making sure I don't go overboard with junk food because I know the moment I really start paying attention to my intake, I'll be down that pipeline again, and at my current weight, I can't afford any more loss.

I get stomach aches more easily since then. I can't eat big meals most of the time, and I have to graze a little through the day in order to avoid heartburn (it's not helicobacter, btw. I checked). That's another thing I get to carry the rest of my life.

And I've always been a contrarian. So whenever someone tells me to eat more, I lose my appetite. Something inside of me still feels pride in the self-control it takes to starve myself. I did it once and I can do it again. I'll do it to prove a point, even if it's a point I don't agree with. I am nothing if not determined.

So yeah, I was mad when that fucking asshole told me to eat more. It was a good thing I already had had lunch.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm looking forward to see how the place functions when the students are around. The first will arrive in two weeks. Feels a bit like starting a new job again...

Then I remember the Transphobic Cleaning Lady again and I don't feel like going anymore. 😒

#dressrosa blogging

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soyouthinkucanwrite · 3 years ago

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July 2nd - Daniel Ricciardo

Based on New Year's Day by Taylor Swift and this request by @spikejonzed

Fluffly, mentions of sex, banter, nothing graphic.

BTW, I don't know how I've never paid attention to this song, it's so so beautiful and honest. I've thought about this concept before though: the "Sunday afternoon effect", when all the excitement of the weekend wears off and you're just hanging out with your friends, laughing about silly stuff, or cleaning up the house after the party. The thing is, the friends that stay till then are the ones you wanna hold on to, and the same goes for lovers. I feel kind of bad... well not BAD but you know, must be hard... when you're famous and rich, to recognize the good ones from the beginning before you give yourself too much away and it's too late.

To be honest with you guys, I think Daniel must feel a bit lonely sometimes. We all do, but to think that people are only interested in you for your fame and money must be tough... something you worked so hard, that you keep dedicating your life to, to think that that thing is the reason for your heartbreak, to your loneliness... It's a two-edged sword, isn't it? Anyway, I wrote this little something with Daniel in mind, hope you guys like it. Hope he finds someone to be like this someday. Hell, hope I find someone to be like this someday. I think everyone deserves that.

Daniel woke up in his bed, no shoes, but jeans and party shirt still on. The light coming through the windows, shining directly on his face, threatening to make his headache even worse. He let out a groan and turned to the side. There's someone on his bed with him. Shit. He just remembered. Last night was the first time he was introducing (y/n) to his friends. His birthday "small get together" (or at least that's what it was supposed to be) was the perfect opportunity for testing the waters and giving the "next step" without making too much fuss about it, after all, they've only been going out for a couple months and with his tight schedule it meant a lot of facetime calls and weekends, but almost no weekdays and routine stuff.

Yet, he was absolutely smitten with her, she was fun and easygoing, passionate about her own work and friends, but still caring and interested in him. They had amazing chemistry, mind-blowing even. But Daniel had lived enough to know that hanging out with someone on the weekends and knowing their best side was one thing, living through daily and mundane stuff was a completely different thing. Where this could go was still a mystery to him and he didn't want to raise too many expectations before he was sure. Still, she looked so beautiful sleeping, a true vision. He tried to remember if something had happened last night, but judging by his clothes still on, and hers as well, he guessed not. As if on cue, she smiled, with her eyes still closed.

"Stop being creepy" she said smiling. "I can feel you watching me sleep"

"You're not even asleep anymore" he smiled and she opened her eyes. He was taken back by her eyes staring directly into his.

"Still creepy though" she laughed, getting closer to him. He held her and they stayed like that for a while.

"Are you ok?" he asked her.

"What do you mean?

"Aren't you hungover, or sick?" he asked again and she laughed.

"Not at all. I have this really weird superpower, you know, I don't get hungover. Ever, actually" she laughed.

"I don't believe you. I have the headache"

"No, it's true. We did drink a lot yesterday, though" she commented.

"Yeah, well, welcome to having Australian friends. No such thing as light drinking with those guys" he laughed but grimaced at the pain in his brain.

"I'll get you something"

"Huh?"

"For the pain" she explained getting up from the bed.

After a while she returned with a pill and a glass of water, passing them to him.

"Thank you, baby" he took the glass, finishing it. "Come back to bed now"

"Your house... like, I'm not even sure if I should tell you to take a look or just pack your essentials and abandon it" she smiled.

"Uhh" he groaned. "I'll call someone later"

"Like a constructor with a wrecking ball?" she laughed.

"It can't be that bad"

"It's bad" she started. "But we can manage it" He looked at her intrigued. "After a shower" she pulled his hand. "Join me?"

"If I ever say no to that question, just put me in an asylum" he said. "I need a kiss though, as motivation" he smirked.

"Noo... I have morning breath"

"What? Me too" he said pulling her down and kissing her anyway. "Uh, no. You're right. Yours is worst" he said laughing while getting up and walking into the bathroom.

"Asshole!" she laughed following him.

They stripped and got into the shower, taking turns in letting the water run through their bodies.

"Come here" Daniel said, putting some body wash in his hands and spreading them over (y/n) body.

"Hum... this feels nice" she said.

"You're so beautiful" he said kissing her shoulder.

"You're so wasted" she laughed lightly.

"Hey! I'm sober. I'm just too tired. Give me a couple hours to recover, and I'll claim my birthday privileges"

"Birthday privileges? It's not even your birthday anymore" she laughed.

"Okay, but first, it's the weekend of, and second, I didn't get any time alone with you yesterday"

"Fair. And what will be your requests, may I ask?" she asked teasingly.

"Humm... you're so creative" he said kissing her. "I'm sure we'll think of something"

They finished the shower after a while, enjoying each other's company and the comfortable silence.

"Did anyone crashed here?" (y/n) asked when they were stepping out of the shower.

"I have no idea" Daniel answered. "I just remembered going to take a nap and waking up this morning. Shit, we didn't... did we?" (y/n) laughed out loud at that.

"Wow! Really, Dan?"

"We did not. I would've remembered"

"Good save. Such a gentleman" she laughed.

"I drank way too much. Sorry. Don't be mad"

"It's fine. I'm messing with you, I don't remember anything either. To be honest, I don't even remember joining you on your 'nap'" she said making air quotes.

"We're the worst hosts" he said getting out of the bathroom and going into the closet to get some clothes.

(y/n)'s heart swelled at the thought of hosting a party with Daniel. There was something so intimate about that statement, so homey.

"You want a shirt?" Daniel asked from the other room, waking her up from her daydream.

"Yeah, sure" she took the shirt, some underwear, and some sweats. Then brushed her wet hair and looked in the mirror. Not a trace of makeup left. She sighed thinking about how falling into a routine with Daniel meant letting the barriers down.

"Alright, snap out of it" she said to herself, getting out of the bathroom and walking outside, to the living room where Daniel was standing rubbing his neck and looking around.

"This is bad" he said when he saw her joining him. There were empty beer bottles and cups all around the living room and balcony, pizza boxes (with half-eaten slices left behind) in the coffee table, party decorations hanging from the ceiling, and the kitchen was even worse, with liquid spilled on the ground and bottles everywhere. There was glitter all over the floor and the couch - someone had brought some of those party poppers, which looked so much fun yesterday, but no so much now. But the best part was the polaroids, left all over the house with the craziest poses.

"Pack your stuff, we're deserting this goddam hellhole" he said and she knew he was joking, he said that about everywhere, but she still shook her head and rolled her eyes, picking a polaroid photo from the ground.

"Everyone had so much fun" she showed it to him. "I loved meeting your friends"

He took the photo from her hand, it was one where (y/n) was sitting on the couch with two of his buddies from Australia, making funny faces while holding cups. He remembered the moment because he was the one who took the photo.

"How's the headache?" she asked him.

"Almost gone"

"Good. So you don't have an excuse. Move your ass, where are the trash bags?" she laughed going into the kitchen.

"Hey! That was very sneak of you" he laughed but followed her anyway.

They spent the next hour collecting bottles, vacuuming glitter, and just cleaning the whole house. Daniel complained the whole time, but in truth, he was very glad to have her there. Sure, he could just ignore the whole mess and hire someone on Monday to clean everything (he probably would still do that anyway, for the heavy cleaning like bathrooms), but it was really nice of her to just stick around, seeming unbothered by the housework. When she finished tying the last trash bag and putting it on the entry hallway she flopped on the couch besides Daniel, who had called it a day some good 10 minutes ago.

"Done?" he asked her.

"I feel like punching you for asking me that" she answered playing annoyed. He lifted his hand in defense.

"What? I did my part!"

"Men" she shook her head. "I'm surprised you haven't complained about being hungry yet"

"Well, I'm starving! Was just waiting to suggest going out, or ordering in"

"Ordering in, please. I don't want to get off this couch any time soon"

Daniel got his phone out to order some food. It was almost noon, so he thought about something like pasta, some carbs would be nice right now. Then he felt (y/n)'s head drop on his shoulder, her hand caressing his arm. It was such a sweet gesture, so understated, he just stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"What?" she looked at him.

"I'm really glad you're here. Thank you"

"It's nothing" she smiled.

"I don't mean the cleaning. Well, that too. But just, thank you for being you and wanting to hang out with me, you know, after the party"

"I'll always wanna hang out with you, partying or cleaning bottles" she said and leaned in to kiss him. "Happy birthday old man" this made him smile through the kiss.

"Thank you, young lady" he said still smiling. "Let's feed you now, yeah?"

"Please! Let's get some carbs on this house!" she smile.

"Hey, guys!" (y/n) and Daniel looked up to see Luke, one of Daniel's buddies walking out of the guest bedroom.

"Dude! I didn't know you were here" Daniel laughed.

"Yeah, just woke up. Definitely wasn't hiding in the bedroom waiting for the cleaning end to get out" he grinned making (y/n) and Daniel laugh.

"You know what? Just for that, you're going downstairs to pick up the food when it gets here, and taking out the trash!" (y/n) teased him, tossing a pillow from the couch at him.

Daniel just observed while his friend and his girlfriend joked and laughed. He thought about how right now he was enjoying a feeling of contempt that wasn't really natural or much appreciated by professional athletes, but this time felt right to indulge in it. He felt safe like someone's got him, finally. He took (y/n) hand on his and squeezed it three times, he knew this was already a good thing, something to last. She looked at him, she knew exactly what he meant.

#Daniel Ricciardo #Daniel Ricciardo fic #daniel ricciardo fluff #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo fanfic #daniel ricciardo imagine #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #daniel ricciardo oneshot

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planetdemon · 4 years ago

Text

I just wanted to be a swan

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, but mostly angst

warnings: low self-esteem, body hate/dislike, eating disorders, swearing, food, insecurities, arguing DONT READ IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT!

wc: 2.003

note: so this scenario has been going through my head for quite a while now, and I tried writing it by myself lol. Hope it's good ;) I've also sent a request to @channienet about the same topic, so make sure to check her interpretation out as well! enjoy!

summary: Due to Chan's heavy working schedule, spending time alone was a thing you couldn't quite befriend with, especially after you've noticed some changes you have gone through. There is a to change it, but it isn't quite... let's say healthy. How will Chan react, after he finds out? Will he even care? (dude I'm shit at writing summary lol)

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Taking a bath was normally something that should be considered relaxing or calming. You've always enjoyed letting the hot water surround your body whilst taking all the dirt and negativity off that you have collected during stressful days at work.

But lately, taking a bath wasn't as enjoyable anymore as it once was. Chris has been working a lot lately, due to the kingdom stage and their nearing comeback. He has been spending more and more time at the company, working on producing new tracks for him and the kids, often staying at the dorms because they were closer to the studio than the apartment you shared. So you were left alone, by yourself.

Even though you wished he would be by your side while you were falling asleep, you couldn't be mad at him. You knew what his work meant to that boy and you would never tell him to stop doing what he loves just so you could spend some time together.

But being alone also meant that you had to kill the boredom somehow and, thanks to Felix's Brownie and Cookie recipes, you had the perfect thing to do in the meantime. Baking and eating delicious desserts.

You were just stepping out of the bathtub, grabbing the towel you had prepared, and drying yourself with it. Once your body was half-dried, you turned around to hang the towel back at the hanger, so it could dry properly.

And at that moment, you knew, you've fucked up. You couldn't avoid looking at your wet, naked body in the hot, steamy mirror near the hangers.

You always hated looking at it, but thanks to the sweets you had been eating lately, looking at yourself only made you feel sicker than it ever did.

You couldn't tear your gaze off the excess of flesh around your tummy and thighs and the stretch marks, that decored your boobs only seemed to scream "Look at me!". You slowly turned around and saw the tiger stripes creeping up your bum and the undersides of your arms.

'Fucking disgusting', that little voice in your head sneered.

'How could I let this come this far?', you thought. At this point, you were somehow happy Chris wasn't here, knowing he would be disgusted with how you've changed.

You've always felt a bit insecure by his side, knowing you could catch up with neither his attractiveness nor his muscular godlike body. But seeing yourself like this destroyed every little self-esteem you had left in your cells.

It has been nearly two months since 'the incident' in the bathroom and you couldn't shake that feeling of disgusts off. Not even for one second.

You only wanted to try a one-week detox diet that was blowing up all over social media, hoping you could lose a little bit of weight, so you would be back to normal. But seeing the numbers on the scale dropping so unbelievably quickly only made you realize that you could look even better than you thought you could.

You kept on following the diet and restricting everything that wasn't included, not noticing that restricting also damaged your mind.

One time, Han and Felix asked you if you wanted to have lunch with them and the others, but fear crept up you back as soon as you thought about the food they would have ordered, knowing that you would only gain weight again if you didn't follow the rules.

So you stayed home, keeping yourself isolated from your friends and most importantly, Chan.

You were lying on my bed, scrolling through Tumblr when Chris' Caller ID showed up and your phone started to ring. You sighed lowly, not wanting to talk to him.

Over the past few months, you stopped showing up at the studio, being afraid the boys would notice the changes your body went through, thanks to the diet. You were happy about it, knowing that you were losing weight, but you haven't reached my goal. You were afraid, they would judge you the way you did when you looked at yourself.

"Chris?"

"y/n? Han just told me that you weren't coming over. Are you okay? Y-" Chris's muffled voice appeared and you felt instant regret deep in your guts, knowing how much fun you guys had when you spent time together back in the days.

"Yeah, I'm okay Channie, don't worry. I just feel a little sleepy. I'll come next time. Promise" You tried your best to sound optimistic or at least not too sad, hoping Chris would believe your lie. "Okay," he mumbled, "I love you, baby girl".

You knew you were in big troubled the second Chris opened the fridge, seeing no food in there.

He randomly decided to stay over the weekend, saying that he missed you. You weren't ready for this, knowing that you couldn't hide the signs of the 'passion' you had developed in time.

"Why is there no food?" You fumbled with the arms of Chris sweater you were wearing while looking at the ground. "I've forgotten to go grocery shopping" You answered.

"But there is nothing in there, y/n. Nothing" He walked over and took hold of your cold hands while looking you straight in the eyes.

"Why is there no food?" Chris asked again.

"I just told you I forgot to go grocery shopping, Chan. Relax" You snapped back, getting anxious about the fact that he could notice something.

You were nearing your goal, even though you knew that you could never be satisfied with how you looked. He couldn't just come over and ruin all the progress you've made after being not here for so long. He doesn't have the right to do this.

"Don't fuck around, y/n. You always have at least some butter in your house. Where is the butter? Where is Ramen? You must have some food here!"

Your body started to shake as you heard his voice rise, keeping your gaze low, not daring to look him in the eyes right now. He was right.

You always had something at home, so you could quickly cook something when you were hungry. But you didn't saw a point in keeping food at home if you wouldn't eat it anyway. It would just rot.

"Y/n look at me" he whispered, after realizing that you were trembling. Chris gently grabbed your chin to make you look up at him. You were expecting to see anger, but the only thing you saw in his brown orbs was sadness.

You started to tear up after you noticed it, knowing that he put one and one together. You missing out on lunch with the boys, you not showing up at the studio to bring him food and spend with him there, listening to his tracks, you not having any food at home. It was obvious, but you still hoped he wouldn't notice.

Chris slowly took you in his arms, noticing how your figure felt smaller and bonier than before. It made him sick, knowing what you did to yourself. 'Why would my girl do something like this?' he thought 'how could my little princess torture herself this much?' But he couldn't find a 'because'.

In his eyes, you were the best thing that happened to him. You were the prettiest girl on earth. Warm tears were running down his pale cheeks, dropping to the floor.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what you did. Maybe if he would have been there, he could have stopped you. Maybe if-

"Channie?" You quietly asked, looking up at his tear-stained cheeks. "Channie why are you crying? We can go to the store and grab something if you want. You don't-"

"Why have you been doing this to yourself, y/n?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why haven't you been eating"

Well, shit.

"What are you talking about, Channie?"

"Don't fucking lie to me, it's too obvious for you to do so. Why haven't you been eating?"

"I... I, I'm pressured Chan" You answered, knowing that he wouldn't believe you if you would tell him otherwise. Telling him the truth was the only option at this point, even though you didn't want to.

"Pressured?"

"Yes"

"Princess, I don't understand what you mean by that"

You shook your head and let go of him, before walking over to the couch and sitting down with a low sigh. "Maybe you shouldn't understand," I said.

"Jesus, y/n" I heard him mutter under his breath. He walked over and sat on the floor, in front of you, looking at you with a scared expression.

"Please tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours. I can see that you have lost weight, but I don't understand why. I mean, you are the prettiest human I have ever seen in my whole life, why would you do something like that?"

"Why do you even care? It's not like you here anyway" you simply said, grabbing your phone, trying to ignore him.

After he noticed your intentions, he quickly took your phone out of your hands, placing it on the coffee table behind him.

"Hey! Give me my phone back, you dump a-"

"Fucking stop it, y/n. Stop ignoring me. I care for you because I love you! You are my everything and I know I haven't been home lately, but at least I tried making time for you and inviting you to the studio", he said, "but you never came! Don't act like it's only my fault we haven't seen each other."

You looked at him with wide eyes, shaking your head. He was right, it was also your fault. And you hated the fact that he was right. "I-"

"Please y/n, please stop turning away from me and closing up. I-I know it's not easy to open up, but I'm here for you. I'll always be."

"Well, I... I couldn't, no, I can't feel happy when I look like this, Channie. I mean, look at you, look at your perfect body and your perfect personality and your perfect everything! I don't fit in. I don't fit in, because I am the ugly duck surrounded by beautiful swans. I just... wanted to be a beautiful swan, Channie."

That's it. You've made it. You've told him what was going through your mind all the time.

He slowly pulled you off the couch, into his lap. He could feel your seat humps against his thighs, how bony and strong they were. Chris shook his head in disbelieve, another wave of sadness crushing over him.

"You are perfect, baby girl. You are perfect in every single way. You always were the most beautiful swan I have ever seen in my entire life. I love everything about you, y/n. I love how your thighs wiggle whenever you run towards me when we meet, I love how curves look in that dress I brought you a year ago, I love how your stretch marks are decorating your body like silverish paint. I don't want you to change for me, because you are perfect the way you are. Jesus, even Hyunjin said you are even prettier than himself, and that means a lot. Please don't hurt yourself like this, princess. You are destroying yourself"

He took hold of your hands and kissed your palm.

"I promise I'll stop working so much, so I can spend more time with my beautiful girlfriend, but please... stop hurting yourself" he whispered, searching for any signs of discomfort in your eyes. But you just set in his lap and listened to him.

"Hyunjin thinks I'm prettier than him?" you asked awkwardly.

Chris chuckled and nodded "Is this the only thing that got stuck in your pretty little head?" He asked.

You smiled a bit, leaning your forehead against his while closing your eyes. "I'll try to get better, Chris" you whispered.

It wouldn't be an easy journey going back to 'normal. Once the hole is there, digging is difficult. But it is possible, especially if someones helping you.

#bang chan imagines #bang chan angst #bang chan fluff #bang chan images #skz imagines #skz chan #skz angst #stray kids x reader #bang chan x reader #bang chan x you #stray kids angst #stray kids imagines #stray kids fanfic #bangchan fanfic #fanfic #x you #x reader

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many-gay-magpies · 3 years ago

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@loabivey @honeyseungz @angelhee @ofaffectionate @yixiangs @cherry-riki

so uh. heyyy <3

pt 2 (technically pt 1 because it happens before) of blood bonds is here!! tagging everyone that i tagged for blood bonds (except for kyu </3) bcs why not

i'm not 100% on this, but that's mostly because i've been staring at it for a week, and y'all haven't, so i hope that you'll enjoy it thoroughly more than i do

wc: 1.7k, tw for blood, blood-sucking, death and mentions of death, and vague descriptions of a car crash. same as the last one pretty much, let me know if there's anything i missed!

that being said, have some bloodlust.

It's a scent that stops him in the middle of the street, blaring alarms through every inch of his body—thick and sweet, intoxicating, like the richest chocolates and tenderest meats. For a second, it brings him back to his days in the castle; feasts coating tables upon tables in every decadence he could imagine. He hasn't felt that kind of indulgence in a long time.

Jungwon is immediately aware of his instincts overcoming him; he knows what the smell is, he's smelled it coming off the other boys enough times to be familiar with it. But not this strong. Never this strong.

His head swims. Stars cloud his vision, and yet everything is ten times brighter, more crisp; his senses sharpened, sensitivity heightened. Jungwon battles with himself for a moment, there, on the side of the road, watching the car with the contents of it's driver's seat smelling so delectably like food as it drives by; no, no, don't give in, don't succumb, you've made it so far already, just hold on a little bit longer—but the gut-wrenching hunger inside him is like none he's ever faced before.

It tears at him, the unbearable hunger, the emptiness; twists his insides into knots and makes him double over against the brick wall beside him. He doesn't want to give in, doesn't want to take, doesn't want to hurt—but he's so, so hungry, and it smells so, so good and he just can't take it anymore. It's a kind of longing that burns him from the inside out, and maybe... maybe it wouldn't hurt, to... to give in, just this once.

He's hungry. He needs food. Really, when he thinks about it for long enough, rationalizes it in his mind, that's all there is to it. Lions don't feel bad when they hunt gazelle, do they?

(Something is different here, though. Lions, unlike vampires, will stop. Lack of food will make their body grow cold, their energy sapped until there is nothing left; they grow tired, bodies moving slower and slower, until they breath their last breath. Vampires do not. Vampires will not stop. The hunger depletes them, eats at them, and then when it can eat no more it consumes them completely—writhing black hole taken ghastly, human shape. Death evades them, and so they become death in it's place—emptiness so great it would eat the whole world if it could.)

So, with his resolve melting as his hunger rages, Jungwon presses onward—taking advantage of the scenery's sudden clarity to slink towards the moving car at a truly frightening pace. Plus, it could be... fun, he finds himself thinking; fun, to play around a bit, see how much fear he can truly instill. In the past, Jay and Sunghoon's jokes to Sunoo to "not play with his food" when me mentioned spooking his victims the tiniest bit before feeding had left Jungwon feeling sick to his stomach—but now, the idea doesn't seem so bad.

A voice in Jungwon's head (the more logical Jungwon; the one that isn't starving, the one that's still on the edge of rational) tells him, you're being stupid, as he throws caution to the wind and teleports directly in front of the car. Someone could see you, do you even have any idea what you're doing? But the voice of hunger rises above all others, and Jungwon, smirking at the screech of tires on asphalt as the car skids to a stop in front of him, tells the voice, it's dark out, and we're in an abandoned part of the city; who, really, do you think could see us?

The voice protests, but the drone of Jungwon's hunger drowns it out. He feels cool metal on the palms of his hands, hears the metallic clang of his boots against the car's hood. The trembling of the man inside tinges his nerves with delight.

He raises his finger to his lips in a single gesture, shhh, and wonders if his eyes gleam red.

Thoughts run one by one through his mind, though they are fleeting, like mice; skittering into the darkness as soon as he catches sight of them. He should have listened to the hyungs, he should have been more careful, he shouldn't have waited this long—he knows the consequences of vampires going too long without blood from Sunghoon's stories, how could he have been so stupid?

But it all fades, irrelevant, in face of what sits before him now—food. A meal. Satiation, finally, an end to his hunger. He can feel his conscience slipping away more and more as the moments pass, the little Jungwon in his head letting go of it's logic.

It is with this quieting of the rational voice and sudden booming of the instinctual one that Jungwon teleports himself to the back seat of the man's car. It doesn't take long for him to be noticed—even the lack of his reflection in the rear view mirror cannot disguise the creak of expensive leather and the sigh he lets out.

"Jesus Christ--" the man nearly shouts, car jolting forward as he slams on the breaks. Jungwon doesn't flinch. He turns to look over his shoulder and meets an unblinking vermillion stare. "W-what the hell are you, kid?"

"Go on, guess," he says, brow raised. "I have all night."

Though even as he speaks, Jungwon knows the statement is a lie—he's the closest to the man, the closest to a human he's ever been since turning, no plexiglass or metal barrier between them—the smell of the man's racing heart and pumping blood chokes his senses like smoke, so thick he can barely breath. Jungwon doesn't know how long he'll be able to hold out—but he can feel how the seconds tick by, as if there's a pocket watch embedded in his skull. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Agonizing. Even so, Jungwon delights in the fear, the rabbit-quick pace of the man's heart. Equally as amused as he is overwhelmed, he decides that quickening it a little more won't hurt, and smirks, doing well to lick over his fangs in perfect line with the man's eyesight.

"Shit--" Eyes widen comically, and breath grows shaky with the reckless fumbling at car door handles in an effort to escape, pure, cold fear jolting through bones and bringing goosebumps to unsettled skin. It's useless, though; because all the doors lock, jammed shut, and the most he can do is huddle as close to the door as he can, as far away as possible from the boy with glowing eyes suddenly perched in his passenger seat.

"Surprised?" Jungwon asks with a grin.

The man gulps. "Th-this isn't happening," he mumbles, eyes focussed somewhere off in space, past Jungwon. "This can't be happening to me. This... this is impossible."

"Oh, it's very possible," hums Jungwon. "You'd be surprised to find out how much is." And he smirks wide again. He probably looks like a madman, but he doesn't care. He can taste the man's blood on the air.

"Please, don't kill me," he whispers. "W-whatever it is you want, I'll do it, just-- I don't wanna die. Please."

Any other day, the pleading would have gotten to him—any other day, Jungwon would have cried and screamed and torn at his own skin at the prospect of ever killing anyone, let alone drinking from them. But now, the logical him (the human him, he thinks for a moment) has been tucked into the deepest recesses of his mind, and the sound is like music to his ears.

"H-have mercy," the man stutters quietly.

Jungwon tilts his head. Mercy? a voice in his head whispers. It is a voice he hardly sees himself in, and yet it consumes him completely. There is no mercy. You are only prey.

It's funny how suddenly it hits him—how long he's waited for this, and how he can't stand to wait a second more. Faster than lightning Jungwon blinks on top of the man, pinning him down; the protests (physical as well as verbal) make no difference to him. He searches for a carotid artery with shaking fingers and, once he finds it, sinks his teeth in with a groan.

The car swerves in a panic, and the sound of it crashing into a streetlight is a distant ringing in Jungwon's mind. Everything is muffled, as if he's been thrust underwater, and he might as well have, with the way the smell and taste of blood blooms around him, inside him. He feels himself wanting more, needing more, craving more, the hunger never-ending as he sinks his teeth even further into his victim's neck.

Nothing else matters in that moment, and he knows, now, he knows what the others were talking about—how good it feels to feed when you've starved for so long.

His victim loses consciousness soon after that, but still Jungwon drinks. He can't find it in him to stop—it tastes so, so good and he's still so, so hungry, and it seems his hunger only grows the more he feeds; every bit of blood he drains, the sickness and lethargy drains away with it, leaving a hunger larger than he had known behind. Eyes closed, the world spins around him, and Jungwon can feel himself slowly revitalizing as he drinks, and drinks, and drinks, and drinks.

Jungwon loses track of time the longer he sits there.

The hunger is less ravaging, now, only a low growl in the back of his throat; and soon it peters out entirely. The body under him has grown cold—it's warmth taking new ownership. He feels the stolen blood and pulse humming under his skin.

There is plenty to worry about, he knows—plenty things he should, realistically, care more about than he does. But for the life of him he can't pick out what they are, buried beneath layers of cotton he doesn't care to reach through.

His mind is heavy with fullness, and heavy with sleep, and for the second time that day a little voice in the corner of it urges him to just give in—so he does.

#magpie writes #magpie's writing adventures #enhypen fanfiction #enhaverse fanfiction #enhaverse writing #enhaverse #enha theories #gay yearning #bloodlust

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imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl · 4 years ago

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Californian Dream (Pt. 05 of 11)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 3 K

Summary: Being part of one of the richest families of California doesn't mean you're happy. Your life is boring, and you're surrounded by meaningless people and their meaningless talk. Even during Summer, with the break you have from college, there's nothing good going on. Nothing but the new pool guy, Billy, the most handsome man you ever saw. You were successfully avoiding him, not wanting to act like an idiot in front of the guy until Billy accepts to be your date for a fancy gala you're forced to attend. The night was going well, even better when he sneaked you out to go to the beach. But a gang of criminals breaks into the party, kidnapping the heirs to the wealthiest families, which includes you. So, for your safety, your parents want you to stay with Billy, living in his apartment until the criminals are caught. And that could take weeks, maybe even months.

Warnings: Light violence

<- Previous part (04)

Next part (06) ->

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}

Rebel

On the next morning, you're still feeling a little anxious, afraid of what he said last night was just to keep you from moving out. But, since you were sleeping on the couch, you woke up just when he was leaving for work, and you were so relieved when he didn't just say ‘good morning’ and left. He asked if you slept well, and said that you can try and sleep a little more on the bed now. It's just a little thing, but it's different from before. And you hope it lasts. You also got the chance to tell him not to bring anything for dinner. He has been spending too much money with that, so you told him you'd cook something yourself.

And that's what you doing now. The chicken breasts are in the oven, almost ready and you focus on finishing the potato salad, adding mayo, a drizzle of olive oil, and seasoning it, mixing everything together. You're happy with what you could come up with, and it did help you pass the time since there's nothing to do here other then watch the news, and that only makes you anxious. After checking the chicken once again, you sit on the table, pinning your hair up on a ponytail, and that's when Billy comes back, your eyes immediately finding him on the door as he closes it shut.

“Hey.” You mumble, running your fingers through the ponytail. For the first time, you notice the uniform he has to use. A nice, black polo shirt with the logo of the company on the left side. On all of those days, you were avoiding looking at him, since he seemed like he didn't want anything to do with you. “You look like such a good boy in this shirt.” You know he doesn't usually wear stuff like that. Billy doesn't know it, but you went through his wardrobe a couple of times, and there is nothing like that that shirt in it.

“That's company policy.” He sounds a little annoyed, and you can tell he doesn't like to wear it. “It smells nice in here. What are you doing?”

“Lemon roasted chicken with potato salad.” You gesture at the oven. “It's almost done.”

“You... Can cook?” Furrowing his eyebrows, Billy comes near the table, giving the oven a look. “Like, actually cook?”

You get what he means. The girls don't usually know how to cook since they'll always have someone to do that for them. “Well, in my house, my parents always choose what we'll have for the meals. So I figured out if I wanted something different, I'd have to cook it myself.” Shrugging your shoulders, you stand up to check the oven again. “So Amelia taught me everything I know.”

“You're a box full of surprises,” Billy mutters, so low it makes you wonder if he wanted you to hear it. “I'll shower. If you wait we can eat together.”

“If it's not in an uncomfortable silence, I'll accept the invitation.” Leaning on the countertop, you give him a look.

“Good.” He stands there for a few seconds before moving away, and you can't help but try to understand why he always does that. It feels like he wants to say something, but he never does.

You patiently wait, and when he comes back, hair still damp, you both serve yourselves and take the usual seats on the table, across from each other. Billy takes a look at his place and squints his eyes, right before staring at you. “(Y/N)?”

“Huh?”

“Where did you get these peas?”

You didn't think he'd notice. “Uhm... There's a nice grocery store just around the corner.” It sounds like a question, but before he can say anything you raise a hand. “I know, I know. But I do look different and I borrowed your sunglasses just to be sure. I didn't speak to anyone... Well, I did chat with this old lady, but that was it.”

“You gotta be careful. I know it's far from your neighborhood, but even so.”

“I was careful, I just... It sucks being in here all day doing absolutely nothing.” You didn't want to rant about it, but it just comes out. “And, inevitably, I will watch the news channel.” Then, you're not hungry anymore... Despite skipping lunch again.

“Did they find anything yet?” Silently, you just shake your head no, deciding to push the food in, even though the heavy sensation on your stomach. “Sorry.”

“Don't apologize, it's not your fault.”

Then the silence hits again, and it goes on for way too long for your taste, a leg bouncing nervously. “It's really good, by the way. Much better than what I can come up with.”

“Thanks,” you mutter with a smile.

“I've been meaning to tell you. I usually go to the gym with some friends a couple of times a week. I've been coming straight back because–”

“No, no. Please, go. I don't want to mess with your routine. More than I already did.” Reassuring him, you feel relieved when he nods. “Oh, you mentioned something about college. What do you study?”

“Marine Biology.”

“That's so cool.” You exclaim, imagining what Billy could work with. California has a lot of opportunities for marine biologists. “I bet it's amazing.”

“It is. What about you?”

“It's not that cool.” Warning him, you can't help but feel bored just to think about it. “Law. At Cali's Elite Academy, obviously.”

“It doesn't sound like you enjoy it very much.”

“I don't.”

“Then why do you do it?” As he speaks, Billy moves to the fridge, muttering something when he opens it. And you know why. “You also bought soda.”

“Yup.” Turning towards him, you take the can he offers you, cracking it open and taking a sip. “You know why I do it. Mom wanted me to, father is a lawyer already, so you get the picture.”

“I hope to be around on the day you decide you had enough of this shit and rebel against everyone who tells you what to do,” Billy says as he goes back to his chair, his eyes focused on you. Sometimes it feels his eyes can see right through you, even the parts you try to hide from yourself. The places you rather keep secret, locked deep inside. He also brings to life things you didn't even know existed. A true need to break free from everything you can't take anymore, everything that has been drowning you, suffocating you.

“Maybe it won't happen.” You burst out, pushing your plate away, still half full. “You said it yourself on the night I came here. I'll probably just slip into anything my mother wants me to do and be as frustrated as she is. With nothing in life but some millions in the bank.” There's a lump in your throat, a cry you're holding back. You don't want to be like your mother. Or like anyone else from her circle. But would you be able to shake this away? You're so used to doing this, avoiding conflicts and being the good, obedient daughter... Could you be more?

“Don't you remember what you said after?” Billy leans forward, elbows on the table, those ocean blue eyes burning through your skin. “That you'd leave California before she forced you into being another stupid girl pushed into a loveless marriage just to add up to the family's fortune.”

“I remember.” Whispering, you look down at your hands, hoping he can't see your teary eyes. “I get brave when I'm sleepy, that's why I say those things but... I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to just leave like that.”

“I came back here a year ago. My father forced me to move to Hawkins, Indiana, a dipshit small town that I hated more than anything.” His words and the weight behind them makes you raise your eyes again, meeting his stare. Billy never told you anything about his past, and you want to hear it. “I have no good memories of that place, and the moment I turned eighteen and got my High School diploma, I got into my car and left.” There's power in him, courage. You know there's more to the story, but you won't push him into sharing it if he doesn't want to. But you can picture it, Billy running away from somewhere he hated, hitting the road and leaving it all behind. You're mesmerized by it, you're not sure why. “And I came back here. I came back home.”

“California never felt like home to me.” That you remember saying. “I... I really wish I had a place where I could feel–”

“Free?” Billy finishes off for you, and you nod. “I don't think California is the problem. I think–”

“Me. I'm the problem.” Crossing your arms, you sigh. You have no idea why you're telling him all this, or how he so skillfully stormed through your walls, but you feel like Billy is the only person who can understand. Who won't think you're stupid or crazy. “I feel so... Lonely and desolated, even when I'm in my bedroom. I feel better when I'm at the beach, all alone than when I'm in the comfort of my bed. I know it's insane, but it just... It's just what it is. Of course I wish I could run away like you, but maybe I can't.”

“It's not from California you have to run away, it's from this person you pretend to be just to please everyone.” Billy stands up, taking both your plates and moving to the sink. But you stay there, motionless, thinking how you could do that.

“Tell me how and I'll do it.”

“Be the girl you were at the party.” He says, and you decide to stand up as well to help him with the dishes... But also because you want to be near him as if he's the only one who could help you do this. What exactly, you don't know. But Billy was brave enough to do something you wish you could. “The girl who doesn't care if her company is just the pool guy, who doesn't care if she almost hits a waiter, and doesn't mind having to suck some chocolate off her thumb.” Billy glances at you, and you start taking the dishes and drying them with a dishcloth. “The girl who ran from a very important beneficial gala and was very happy about it.”

“Yeah, but if you weren't there, I would never do that.”

“I might have given you a little push, but you made the decision.”

You'd never take Billy for the guy who would say these things. By what people told you about his behavior, you'd never think he'd be this... Kind. “Are you always this nice with girls?” Trying to light up the mood after the emotional conversation, you ask him, chuckling.

“No, I'm not.” He passes you the last fork, and you dry it and put it on the drawer. “Definitely not.”

“I get it.” Lying the dishcloth down, you shrug your shoulders. “Guess some girls like the bad boy.”

Billy giggles, taking the dishcloth to dry his hands. “What about you? Good boy or bad boy?”

“A guy like you would be nice.” Wait. What? It takes a couple of seconds for you to process what you just said, and what it means. “Uhm... I'll... I'll organize some of my stuff.” You quickly manage to say, turning your back at him and leaving the kitchen.

When you reach the bedroom, you shut the door behind your back, wondering what the hell just happened to you. It's completely out of question to start liking Billy. You're literally living with him for who knows how long, it would complicate things to such a high level that you would really have to move out. You're already too lucky he doesn't bring girls here, but out there... Suddenly, the names Gisele gave you start flashing through your mind, and you groan, throwing yourself on the bed.

“Don't be stupid.” You mutter, pulling the sheets over your head and expecting a calm, dreamless night.

• • •

Before, you were anxious. Worried. Now, you're just angry. Another week has passed, and nobody knows anything. A bunch of people were abducted, in huge black vans, and nobody knows where they went. It's plain stupid by now. You're already up when Billy opens the bedroom door to shower and change for the day, and you move to the living room, putting on the news channel again and letting yourself fall on the couch. The boredom won't help either. Besides going to the grocery store, you're locked in here, doing absolutely nothing other than housework.

You're by the window when Billy comes out, already in the company uniform. Turning around with your arms crossed, you stare at him. “We gotta talk because I'm losing my mind.”

“Does it has to be now? Because if I don't leave in five minutes I'll be late.”

Then, the best idea you ever had in days comes to your mind. “Take me with you.”

“What?” He bursts out, eyebrows furrowed.

“Take me with you. Where are you going today?”

“William's. The mansion by the cliff.”

“They don't know me very much, my parents hate them. Please, take me with you. I can't stand being in here all day.” Walking over him, you grab his hand. “C'mon, Billy. I can help with something.”

“I don't think it's a good idea.” He looks down at you, a thoughtful expression on his face. “If anyone recognizes you it could be dangerous. Everyone thinks you were taken too.”

“See? Nobody will hope to see me hanging around.”

“(Y/N)...”

“I swear to God if you don't take me I'll head to the beach and stay there until sunset.” It wasn't a plan, but now it is. Stepping back, with both your hands on your hips, you wait for Billy's reaction.

“Is it a threat?”

“I don't make threats, only promises.” Shrugging your shoulders, you cross your arms. “So?”

“You have three minutes to change out of these sweatpants.” He's still speaking when you're moving, quickly taking your pj's off and putting the first thing you find. Short jeans and a black T-shirt that's a little bit similar to Billy's. Not so much, but it's the best you can do.

When you're back in the living room, dramatically putting Billy's sunglasses on, you rush through the door when he opens it, more than eager to spend the day somewhere other than in the apartment.

And, as if on purpose, Billy takes one of the most beautiful roads of California. At least in your opinion. On your side, you can see the ocean, and since the waves here are more violent, the beach is empty, except for some surfers. Billy has the windows open, and the wind messes with your hair. But you like it. Closing your eyes, you stretch your arm out, feeling the wind brushing in between your fingers. Maybe it's the speed, or the daylight, or the fact that you're finally outside after weeks of confinement. Maybe it's the company... But this feels good. Almost overwhelming. There's a smile on your face that doesn't look like it's leaving anytime soon, and for the first time in... Since you can remember, you have no worries. You allowed the wind to carry them all away.

“I forgot how beautiful this place is.” You tell Billy, holding your hair out of your face so you can look at him.

“Beautiful.” He says, his eyes on you instead of on the ocean outside the window. You squint your eyes, just about to ask what he's looking at when he clears his throat, eyes on the road again. “But we're almost there. Look.”

Some miles away you see the William's house. Huge, way bigger than yours, built by the cliff, which gives them an amazing view of the ocean.

A few minutes later, you're being guided inside by one of their employees. There's nobody home, and by what the old man said, they'll only be back by nightfall, when you and Billy will be far away. So there's no danger. You're taken to the pool, and Billy starts moving around.

“What do I do?” You ask, taking a look at the enormous pool. It's so big it has an isle in the middle. The last time you came here, you were a kid, and you didn't remember it to be so big.

“I'll start with emptying the pool skimmer.” He looks around and then points at the skimmer net. “Think you can get rid of those leaves floating?”

“Yup.” Moving to get the skimmer, you start with your task.

As you move around the pool, catching the leaves and placing them on a plastic canvas Billy lied on the deck, you notice him giving you a few glances. But you only know that because you're also staring every now and then, as he comes and goes from the supply closet. Soon enough, you get so nervous about it that you can't help but giggle as you walk to the plastic canvas, dropping some more brown leaves on it. Since he's coming your way, you wait there, using the pole to sustain some of your weight, your free hand on your hip.

“Getting tired, princess?” Billy mutters in a mocking tone, and you roll your eyes. “Still half of the pool to clean.”

There's that pet name again, and at the very mention of it, you feel something on your stomach, like tickles. “I'm alright so far.” You mumble, hoping you're not blushing. As soon as he walks by, you resume your task.

The truth is that you're very tired already, and the skimmer is heavy. And the wind starts blowing the leaves all around, which makes you walk around the pool too many times. It's past 1 pm when Billy is over, and you decide not to get the four leaves left in the water.

“Let's go.” He says, and you get up from the wooden bench you've been seated for the last five minutes after he locked the supply closet, following him.

“I'm starving.” You mumble, letting your hair down from the ponytail as you get into the car again. “Where do you usually have lunch?”

“In a restaurant associated with the company. Which means employees don't pay.” He glances at you. “And I guess you didn't bring any money, so...”

“I would have if you told me that.” Pulling the door close, you take a deep breath. “Just buy me an ice cream and I'll be fine.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I'm fine. You did the hard work.” You buckle up when he speeds away, once again hitting the road. Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath when you feel the fresh wind on your face. “What are you doing next?”

“Got a fancy car to fix.”

“Uhm...” Opening your eyes again, you look at Billy's side, taking in the beach. It's completely empty now. But your eyes wander to Billy. In this perfect light, he looks amazing. Breathtaking. His grip on the wheel is loose, and he has a hand out the window, looking carefree. Billy loves this place, you can see it on his eyes, on his posture. He's home. “Do you think we have a few minutes to spare?”

“What for?”

“I just wanted to take a walk on the beach. But it's ok if you can't.” Looking away, you focus on the road ahead. But Billy is slowing down, pulling over to the side of the road. Biting your lip, you wait for him to stop before stepping out of the car. You're already crossing the road when you notice Billy is still in the car. So you stop, turning to look at him from the middle of the road. “Hey! Aren't you coming?”

“It sounded like you wanted some alone time.”

“I had plenty of alone time in the apartment.” Rolling your eyes, you gesture for him to come. “Let's go.” Reaching out your hand, you smile when he leaves the car, patiently waiting for him. You were just about to put your hand away when he takes it, rushing you to move since there was a car coming that you didn't see. It makes you giggle a little, your other hand coming to hold on to his forearm. “Seriously, you have to stop saving my life.”

“Then stop putting your life in danger.” It takes a little too long for him to let go of your hand, your fingers brushing against each other.

“I'll try.” When you get to the edge of the road, you don't see any steps leading to the sand. Only a rock that someone placed here to offer some help, but it's still a little too high for you. “Isn't it a buzz killer?”

“I'll help you.” Billy easily jumps to the sand, not even using the rock. “Come.”

“If I fall, I swear to God...” Sitting on the edge, you try calculating if you could just jump to the ground.

“You won't fall. C'mon.” Billy comes to stand right in front of you, both his arms raised to catch your fall.

Taking a deep breath, you push yourself forward, closing your eyes on the process, so you only feel when you collide with Billy. His hands are quick to hold your waist, sustaining your weight, and not allowing you to reach the ground. The sudden change makes you open your eyes, and you immediately take in how close you stand. His face is only three inches apart, and as he pulls you down, you hold tightly on his biceps. Billy's eyes are locked on yours, and even after you're safe on the ground, he doesn't move. His hands remain on your waist, his face still close enough to kiss, if only you were brave enough to stand on your toes. Your stomach feels funny, and your heart is trying to beat its way out of your chest.

But a car passing by snaps you out of it, and you both move at the same time, stepping back.

“Sorry.” You mutter, clearing your throat. “But thanks for not letting me fall.”

“I told you I wouldn't.”

@multific @dontxfearxthereaper @nope-thanks @nikkixostan @shinydixon @clockworkballerina @infinitelycharmed23

#imagine billy hargrove #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove x y/n #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove #billy stranger things #stranger things imagine #imagine stranger things #stranger things x you #stranger things fanfiction

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cynicalrecoverysociety · 3 years ago

Text

So I finished a long day at work. And my SO insisted he needed to get the covid booster yesterday since I got mine the day before that. Which is fine and better than his usual which is wait a million years but timing wasn't great. I'm really struggling at work and in general and I knew that if he got the shot he would be out of commission for 2 days. He is a hypochondriac and mentally ill besides so if there is even a minute possibility he might be sick it's instant man flu. So I wasn't looking forward to that, especially considering I just don't have the luxury to go man flu cause I have a job and responsibilities. I just have to have swollen lymph nodes and work at the same time no matter how bad I feel. I'm pretty ashamed to admit how jealous I am. I just can't give into my own stuff like that, I have to persevere. And the whole reason he can't work is because he just can't push through and be okay at the same time and I can.

Anyway. I was not looking forward to how much he was going to lay around and feel sorry for himself when I couldn't. And he didn't even wait for me to recover from it before he got his shot. I knew he would be hard pressed to cook and absolutely no cleaning. So I decided to make dinner. I am picky about how my food is prepared and I knew he would make something I consider almost inedible if he cooked and that always upsets me so I just cooked. Not ideal, I'm still very tired from both a 10 hour shift and the shots, but I did it. And I think I did a damn good job. Then when it's done he informs me he doesn't really like ricotta (news to me considering how he eats it all the time) and scrapes it off the chicken without even trying it. Note he took a ricotta stuffed tomato but wouldn't stoop to even taste the chicken with a tiny dollop on top. Oh and don't forget when he saw I made a double batch he was like "I didn't think we needed to make all the chicken tonight" it's like FIRST of all WE made nothing I made both batches. And I made both because you put out three pounds of meat out of the fucking freezer 3 days ago (something he said he wouldn't do anymore because so often one of the meats goes bad before we cook it) instead of putting out one like you knew you should and now we have to deal with it. So don't throw any fucking shade that I have to deal with the mess YOU made. You're welcome, not that I'll ever get a thank you. Oh and to add insult to injury, he has been talking about how he feels bad about resting but it's what he needs and he should feel good about it. I think he just wants reassurance. I keep telling him he does a good job on this. I recognize it's objectively true even though I just want to tell him to suck it up and fucking help me. I have to put in a 10 hour shift in the same state you are in the least you could do is basically anything. But he is just going on and on and on about how hard it is to do nothing and it's like you know what's harder? Going to work and paying the bills! Stop asking me for validation! It's exhausting and I'm already exhausted and working 10x harder than you! I have no validation left to give! I need it all for myself!

I admitted to him that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't even try the chicken and he just put down his utensils and said he wasn't hungry anymore and he was starting to spiral. And I just fucking can't with that.

And then when I was trying to eat dinner the cats wouldn't leave me alone, trying to get on my plate. I eventually moved to the kitchen table to try to get them to leave me alone but they followed me and tried to get on the table too. My hair kept falling in my food and then my SO's parents kept texting us asking for present lists and they are abusive and shitty and we don't talk to them and they included us in a massive group text and I just hate all of them so much just fucking shit in your hands and clap Rick. Between the cats and the hair and the phone I couldn't even get literally 15 second of peace and I give up. I'm in bed. I'm just so frustrated. I feel invisible and overwhelmed. I don't get nice things. I don't even get to eat the dinner I worked on so hard. I hope it all goes bad and this entire fucking house burns to the ground with me in it.

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alloftheimaginess · 5 years ago

Text

Night Out

My first Buck fanfic. Go easy on me. It might suck but I wrote this after watching Sofia the first with my goddaughter at 11 o’clock last night

"Whoo that was something!" Buck says jumping into the locker room as everyone is getting ready to leave for the day.

"A fire that big and no fatalities. We have to celebrate we should hit up that bar on pico, you know the one with the loaded fries" he says going to his locker and he turns around excited.

"First rounds on me" he says turning back to his locker as Eddie shuts his.

"I wish I could, man. Christopher's hosting his first sleepover tonight" he says walking out and I smile at him and he stops in the door.

"Hey, you're more than welcome to come and celebrate with a bunch of nine year olds" he says and I chuckle at that.

"Hah, the rest of us will toast your absence" Buck says.

"Hey, tell Christopher I said hi" I say and he nods walking out.

"Will do" he calls behind him.

"You're going to have to toast mine too. Tonight's date night with Karen" hen says sitting up from tying her shoes and standing up with her bag.

"She can come" he says sounding a little defeated.

"I don't think that's her idea of a date, but have fun" she says and she blows me kisses before leaving.

"Yeah and I'm sorry buck, but uh Athena and I have date night tonight too. So you guys have a good time" Bobby says also turning him down before walking out and I frown a little and Chimney closes his locker and I have a little hope that he can hang out with him because I have to get home to relieve my babysitter.

"No offense but you are not the Buckley I was looking forward to spending my night with" he says and I pretend like I'm not listening.

"I get it Chim, go wine and dine my sister, I'll be fine" he says and chimney claps before running out and I sit on the bench putting my shoes on.

"Go ahead" he says and I look up.

"What?" I ask smiling at him.

"Tell me your plans that you have so you can't hang out with me" he says and I stand up.

"I didn't think you were inviting the mom out" I say smirking at him.

"I didn't mean anything by th-"

"I know, I'm joking" I say and I frown.

"But I actually can't make it tonight" I say and he sighs.

"I'm totally kidding, I need human interaction with another adult and not a seven year old tonight or I'm going to lose my mind" I say smiling at him.

"I love you so much (Y/n)" he says and I laugh grabbing my duffle bag.

"But every round is on you. See you at 8" I say running out before he can protest.

I walk into the bar, feeling a bit out of place because I haven't been to one in years. "(Y/n)" Buck says standing up and I walk over to him and he hugs me before sitting back down and I sit on the opposite side of the table and I smile at him.

"So I was promised loaded fries" I say breaking the awkwardness in the air around us.

"Oh yeah totally" he says going to stand up.

"I bet I can get them for free" I say smirking at him.

"no way" He says sitting back down.

"Care to make this interesting?" I ask.

"Definitely, if you can't like I know you can't you'll have to wash my car for a month" he says and I nod.

"And if I can which I know I will, you'll have to drive me to work for the next month and I like to be there at five o'clock" I say smirking at him and I stick my hand out and he shakes it.

"Watch and learn young one" I say standing up and adjusting my dress and I go over to the bar leaning down and she comes over and I smile at her.

"Hey beautiful" I say and she smiles at me.

"Hi, what can I get for you?" She asks, her smile growing when she looks at me and I pretend to look at the menu and I turn to buck.

"Loaded fries?" I ask and he nods and I turn back to her.

"2 orders of loaded fries, my friend over there is pretty hungry after the fire he had to put out today" I say catching on to what's playing on the news and she looks up at the tv and back at buck.

"He saved that deaf woman?" She asks and I nod.

"Yeah and an old mans cat" I say and she smiles at me again.

"It's on the house" she says.

"And whatever else you want" she adds before putting in our order.

"Thank you so much" I say and she nods.

"Are either of you single?" She asks and I nod.

"Yeah, he's so single" I say grabbing the receipt and walking back over to buck.

"Read it and weep" I say slamming it down on the table and he picks it up.

"How?" He asks laughing.

"If she asks for your number, it wasn't my fault" I say sliding back into the seat.

"I cant handle anymore Disney channel theme songs, I'm so glad I got to get out tonight" I say leaning back.

"If I have to hear I was a girl in the village doing alright then I became a princess overnight anymore I'm going to absolutely lose my mind" I say giggling and he laughs with me holding up his beer and I clink mine against his.

"Buck, buck, buck" I say trying to stop him from talking.

"I needed this so much" I say laughing and he unlocks his door and we both quickly make it inside.

"I'm going to change and make some snacks and we can find something to watch" he says stumbling up the stairs and I crash on the sofa kicking my shoes off and dropping my purse on the coffee table and I look around at his place and I take in how nice it is and he comes back down the stairs, tossing me a shirt and I go to the bathroom to change and when I come back out he's taking all the snacks out his cabinets and I grab the m&m's.

"I was a girl in the village doing alright then I became a princess overnight. Now I gotta figure out how to do it right so much to learn and see. Up in the castle with my new family in a school that's just for royalty, a whole enchanted world is waiting for me I'm so excited to be Sofia the First. I'm finding out what being royal's all about Sofia the First. Making my way, it's an adventure everyday, Sofia, it's gonna be my time to show them all that I'm Sofia the First!” I sing as the new episode comes on.

“This show actually isn’t half bad” he says shoving more popcorn into his mouth.

“It’s really not and that’s what bothers me, I can totally get distracted when Emery puts it on and I can watch it with her for hours” I say.

“This princess Amber is low key a bitch though” he says through his mouthful of popcorn.

“Tell me about it” I say.

“Did you two have fun last night?” Hen ask when we make it into work the next morning and I shush her before going to my locker and quickly opening it so I can grab my pills and I take two.

“Yeah, I had a lot of fun. I don’t know about buck” I say.

“Someone call me?” He asks turning away from his locker and they all laugh.

“Maddie was following your Snapchat stories the whole night Evan, she said it looked like you were genuinely having fun” Chimney says.

“I was. It was the most fun I had in a while” he says.

“Karen and I watched your Snapchat as well (Y/n), I felt bad for leaving buck but he was in good company” Hen says.

“But then out of nowhere the snaps stopped for both of you” she adds.

“Yeah because we just watched a Disney channel show I told him about” I say putting my sunglasses in my purse.

“It’s called Sofia the first and I’m kind of upset we didn’t finish it” he says and I laugh shaking my head.

“Can’t say I disagree” I say grabbing my uniform so I can go change.

A few weeks later.

“Shit, shit, shit” I whisper as I’m sat on the toilet.

“Mama, are you almost done I’m hungry” Emery asks and I wipe my eyes.

“Yeah, baby give me a second” I say standing up.

“Can we make pancakes for breakfast?” She asks.

“Whatever you want, we’ll do” I say shoving the pregnancy test into the back of the towel cabinet.

#evan buckley #9 1 1 fic #9 1 1 x reader #9 1 1 fanfiction #9 1 1 imagine #9 1 1 fox #evan buckley imagine #evan buckley fanfiction #evan buckley fanfic #evan buckley x reader #evan buckley oneshot #buck x reader #buck x you #hen wilson #chimney #bobby nash #maddie buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz

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rimaiahwrites · 4 years ago

Text

FIRST TIME —

Chapter three

Israel and Erik sat on the patio

Chairs, nodding their heads to the mumbled beat of the music playing inside. The way he stared at her and the way he touched her...god it was driving her crazy. "You look chill as hell." Erik chuckled taking a sip from his cup.

"Whatever you give me got me feeling myself," she replied with a loud laugh following behind finally feeling the Hennessy hit her slowly but surely. She was tippy and felt a bit hazy with her motions. She actually like being tippy it made her feel free and mellow.

Erik licked his lips slowly as he stared at her legs. He swiftly scooted closer to her brushing his thigh against her exposed one, playfully. She smiled and nudged his knee back. Giggling as she did so. "You cute as hell girl." Erik confessed drooping his arms over her bare shoulders. She blushed, turning her head the other way so he couldn't see, even though he wouldn't be able to see her flash red because of the dark pigment of her skin. She let out a quick 'thank you' glancing at him for a spit second. Her heart felt like it was about to beat out of her chest with how close he was to her. "Why you so shy? It's like one second you confident as hell then the next you look like you wanna hide under a rock." He said nudging her again. Israel shrugged taking her bottom lip into her mouth.

Erik straighten his leg out to the last step so he could dig in his front pocket, he pulled out a tiny bag of weed, a lighter and blunt papers.

Israel eyebrows raised as she intensity watch him put the green crummy substance in the middle of the brown floppy paper and rolling licking and running the flame over the blunt to keep it together. He felt her eyes stare holes into his head but, he ignored her as he put the blunt into his mouth. lighting it and taking a drag from it. The smoke fulled his lungs and he became more relaxed.

He almost forgot the young girl was even there until his heard her sniffing the air. He choked out a laugh that made his shoulders bounce as he watched her, with her nose in the air sniffing the smoke almost as if her life depended on it. "Why are you laughing? It smells so good..." She hummed while she closed her eyes, letting the smoke hug around her as he blow it in her face. "You might wanna slow down baby, or you gon' be high as hell and I ain't finna Carry yo ass to the car and shit." He chuckled softly rubbing the ashes from the blunt on the side of the wooden bar. She laughed along with him. "What's it like being high?" She asked innocently, looking at him through her eyelashes. He smiled at that and asked "You never been high? Damn how old are you?" She was slightly taken back by his tone but nonetheless answered. "What does that how to do with my age? You can be 45 and still never smoked weed before." She argued back.

He leaned back onto the chair making it hit the house. "You never answered my question...how old are you again?" He asked yet again wanting to make sure she wasn't underage.

"You never answered mine but...I'm 18..." she said looking down at her feet. That's damn near underage he thought. But She on the other hand obviously knew that he was way older then her because he looked grown, grown. He had a Mustache and a beard, he was very muscular, bulky and tall. He just didn't look 'boyish' and his attitude was very mature.

"Shit I thought a nigga was bout to catch a case wit' the way yo ass was talking." He shook his head letting out yet another chuckle. She mumbled a Ha before saying "knowing my dad he wouldn't even go to the police, he'll probably kill You himself," he Raised his eyebrows telling her to elaborate a little.

"my dad is very overprotective plus he was in the military so he a little crazy now- which just isn't a good mix..."

"I remember when I was younger I lived next to this cute little boy name Tyler, I used to play with him all day every day until my dad found out, he scared the little boy by showing him his gun and telling him that "if you play with my little girl again, I'll kill you." The little boy cried his eyes out and never spoke to me again." She chuckled softly while kicking a pebble off the stair.

"yo dad sound like a crazy ass nigga damn, low key Sound like some shit I would do, I actually not to many years ago I beat my ex- hoe side nigga unconscious" He evilly grin at her before Continuing his rent.

"Ion play around wit that shit if you my bitch you ain't finna have a thousands of other niggas in yo phone ion care if they just your friends. If I'm fuckin' you then I'm the only nigga fucking You. Period. Ain't no side niggas." He hissed at her almost like they was fucking and he found her 'side niggas' in her contacts.

She stared at him while taking her lip in between her teeth. He grinned, showing off the golden caps he had on his bottom set of teeth. They shined in the moon light almost making her melt into her seat.

He so fine. She thought as she examined his Whole body from head to toe. "You like being spoken to like that don't you?" She raised her eyebrows. "I saw the way you bite your lip when I spoke to you harshly, you like that shit don't you?" He asked her, taking her chin in his hand, Pulling her face to his, their lips just almost touching.

She rolled her eyes pushing his head away from her slightly. "No, get out my face boy." She mumbled feeling herself get really shy and awkward all of a sudden. She was doing so good with not doing that, but of course he had to fuck it up for her.

"Nah don't pretend, you like that shit." he whispered against her lips with humor but she couldn't figure out what was so funny.

her eyes moved up to his with nothing but pare innocence in them. He moved in closer to her face pressing his lips against hers. She gasped but didn't pull away. "follow my lead princess," she melted at the pet name and tried to do exactly what he was doing. His lips moved in a slow pace so she could keep up, his hands ran up her back and right back down to her ass.

He smacked it making she gasped. he added his tongue in the mix while His other hand gripped her neck slightly applying pressure. She moaned and throw her head back and he quickly traveled his slow wet kisses down to her neck, he bit, suck and licked her coco butter scented skin while gripping her thighs and ass tightly in his rough, vain covered hands. She squealed when he found her sweet-spot and he sucked leaving a red-ish mark on the Front of her neck.

Her core wept and screamed for him to touch her but Israel was to afraid to tell him or even hint at him that she was tingling down there. It was starting to become wet and uncomfortable in her underwear so she squirmed in her seat letting out a another Soft "oh my gosh Erik-" he smirked against her neck and peck her lips a few times before backing away from her. She could still feel his lips on her and the taste of his tongue Lingered in her mouth. "You so fucking pretty you know that?" He asked pulling her up onto his lap so she was straddling his legs. her dress raised up and her light pink panties showed from underneath. "Yeah I know but thank you." She said giving him a teasingly smile. She wasn't nervous anymore, she was too far gone to care and far to lost in his lustful eyes. Erik grabbed her drink that sat on the side of her and brought it to her lips. "chug it," he demanded and she did as she was told. Chugging the rest of the dark sweetness that hide inside her cup.

"Good girl," He pecked her lips taking a liking to the taste of Hennessy and pineapple on them. She blushed at the praise. "That's gonna get you loosened up, I can tell you ain't done nun like this you all awkward and shit." She bite her lip as Her cheeks grow hot. Embarrassment washed over her and she screamed at herself to 'act normal'.

He chuckled to himself taking a drag from his blunt. "It's alright baby girl don't start overthinking shit." He said as if reading her mind, He stared into the dark sky only glaring at her for a second before going back to the blunt that was almost gone. His eyes hung low, his breathing calm and his dick hard from the Hennessy. "You trying to leave? I ain't really feeling this whole party thing, to be honest one of my niggas made me come, and a nigga hungry as fuck." she nodded. Just wanting to be around him for as long as she could. she felt desperate for male attention from someone other then her brothers and father, this was different, this was something she has never had before. All in one night she's gotten tippy, kissed and let a grown man grip and grind on her. She was excited for what was going to happen next. it was like she was in a crazy teen flick. "Yeah i wasn't really ether, my cousin dragged me here."

Erik grabbed her hand and pulled her back in the house and towards the front door but she stopped him once she realized that she came here with her cousin. "Wait I gotta tell my cousin I'm leaving." She said pulling away from him to walk towards jasmine who was now sitting on the dark-skinned-bright-white-smile man's lap.

Israel smiled knowingly at her cousin before bending down to whispered in her ear. "Is it ok if I leave? I'm gonna go with Erik." she beamed pointing at him from across the room. He nodded at them before walking over to them. Erik shook up with his friend Byron that jasmine was sitting on. "Wassup bro," he mumbled to the man that was now leaning against the wall. He replied with a noting much.

"Yeah it's ok, I know him plus-" Jasmine leaned in Israel's ear and whispered "I think he trying to dick me down tonight" she squealed and Israel laughed and rolled her eyes. "Ok call me tomorrow and tell how that goes." Israel wink as Erik said his good byes to his friend and started pulling her towards the front door. She stumbled a few times trying to keep up with Erik but it was a little hard with the tall heels she had on. He stopped and looked back at her, he could tell by the look of her face her feet Hurt. He didn't think twice before lifting the girl up bridal style,and resting her arms around his neck. She gasped and hit his chest while giggling. "Oh my gosh put me down, you don't have to carry me!" He chuckled. She hide in the crack of his neck as he unlocked the door to the passenger seat. She finally took her head from his neck when he sat her down on his black lather seat. She didn't noticed until now that the whole car was a shiny golden Jeep.

She gasped and ran her hands across the nice dash bored and seats. "Wow this car is so nice can I have it?" She joked playfully at him. He smirked at her before tossing the keys her way. "Sure if you really want it, I don't drive this one that much," he shrugged. "But In all honestly I would rather like to see yo sexy ass in my all black Lamborghini with the red detailing." He grinned showing off his gold caps.

She rolled her eyes and hummed a 'Mmhm'. She tossed him back his keys and put her seat belt on. He chuckled at her and shut her door before getting in the drivers seat.

"You hungry?" She nodded, Not really listening to what he just said because she was to busy playing with the thingy that she found on the side of her seat. He glanced over to her and grabbed it from her hands. "Why you touching shit?" She pouted but still asked "what is that?"

"You love asking questions huh?" She nodded and as seconds passed she was still looking at the side of his face. "What?" He growled at her. "What is that? A electric pen?" He chuckled.

"That's basically what it is. It's CBD you wanna try it?" He said playfully with a big grin spread across his face. She shook her head, now looking around the ear trying to find something new to mess with.

Erik raised his eyebrow as he watched her go through his stuff on the side of her seat. "Aye cut that shit out ma, damn sit still." He hissed. He grabbed her hands and sat them on her lap and she sat still, doing as she was told. "You seem like the boring meanie type." She snorted. He shrugged while taking a hit from his pen. "And you seem like the bratty 'gets whatever she wants' type." She pouted and crossed her arms very definitely And huffed out a "I'm not but go off." Under her breath, looking out of her window. He heard but decided to ignore her, for her own sake.

They pulled up to a house that looked old and beaten down. Her face scrunch up as her belly growled. "I thought we were going to get something to eat?"

"We are. But imma get my weed first then we came go get whatever you want." He stated before shutting and locking her inside the car for safety reasons. Erik was in and out in less than 10 minutes With a big bag pf weed. Israel was shocked at how much he had chuckled at her and put the bag in his back seat.

"Alright what what you trying to eat?" He asked once they were back in the car and on the road, the radio was on blast with drakes album scorpio, and it was a whole vibe to say the less. The smoke that flow through the air made them both smooth and mellowed out. "Let's get Wendy's! They got the spicy chicken nuggets back." He nodded and turn into the dive through to Wendy's. "What you want? Just the nuggets or a foe for foe?" He asked making her chuckling at the way he said it. "Yeah I want a four for four." She said playfully teasing him. He crack a smile at her before ordering her food.

He grabbed the bag and immediately dug in it grabbed a hand full of fries.

"Hey those are mine you have two burgers." Israel whines trying to reach for the bag that was in his lap. "I bought them tho." He mumbled with a mouth full of fries. Israel rolled her eyes, giggling before snatching the bag of food out of his lap and stuffing the burger in her mouth. "Damn you that hungry?"

"Shut up I told you I was that hungry." He snickered at her before relighting his blunt and taking a drag. "You mean as hell when you hungry you know that? You not you when you're hungry neckass." He said making her spit out her food a little from laughing. "Oh my gush Shut up!" He turn into a Hotel parking lot that was filled with empty cars so that they could eat, twenty minutes after they got done eating they were just talking, Erik sat with a blunt in his hand while he leaned all the back in his seat and Israel sat cross legged with her dress rising a bit up her thighs. Erik couldn't help but to wonder what juiciness laid in between her legs. The weed and sexual music that played In the background was definitely getting to him and he was ready to risk it all.

"Oh my gosh this is my song!" She squealed turning up the radio when one of her favorite artist voice ring through the speaker of Erik's car. BMO by ari Lennox. She began move her hips in a sensual manner while closing her eyes, lip singing along to the song. She couldn't help but to move with the smooth beat.

Erik's hungry eyes couldn't stop watching her in Amazement, he loved the way her brown skin glow from the moon light and the thick shea butter that costed her skin. She turned to face him and sang the words to him softly, with a big goofy smile on her face.

"That bodies on fire

Ooh love me long, 'til you get tired

Ooh baby you got what I (want)

You's a real one, I'm inspired"

Erik shook his head at her before laughing while She kept singing and dancing to the song, paying him no attention.

He dug his phone out of his pocket to check the time.

3:45

"Your parents don't be tripping when you out this late?" She shook her head curling up in her seat. "They don't know I'm out, they really strict And don't be letting me out the house so I snuck out."

"What if you get caught?" She shrugged eating a cold fry from her Wendy's bag. "My dad probably going to beat my ass." His eyebrows raised. "Hell nah you to damn old to still be getting ass whoopings."

"You should tell my dad that." She mumbled. Erik's mind went to the worst but he didn't ask any questions.

"Well we should get you home then."

"When can I see you again?" She asked pouting slightly, not wanting to leave him so soon.

"Ion know but imma text you, alright princess?" She nodded. "Alright go get yo pretty ass in the house before yo daddy come out here swinging." He said jokingly, smacking her ass.

"Ok bye Erik." She whined before walking up to the tree to climb up to her bedroom window. Erik chuckled as he watched her struggle climbing to the tree. When she finally made it up and fall inside to her room she quickly popped up and waved at him. He chucked the deuces up before pulling off.

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