#i don't even do that when i'm awake | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sastielsfandom · 30 days

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In my dream I made a post about the undertones and symbolism of Sam wearing the Hellhound glasses versus Dean. How Dean’s got knocked off and while he meant to kill the Hellhound and bear the weight of taking on the trials, Sam’s the one who managed to kill the Hellhound. Taking on that burden for Dean. Similar to the first apocalypse it was supposed to be Dean’s burden but Sam ended up being the one who closed the chapter Dean opened. I had pictures and everything, not doing all that, just summarizing it lol. But the reason I remember it is because Dean fans got upset with me because I wasn’t taking his pain into account. And because it was another example of Sam trying to make himself the hero. It’s not that far-fetched that I didn’t realize immediately I don’t have a post comparing the two lol.

#some people added on with more nuance and it quickly went from that to hating on sam and sam fans #i am very glad it was simply a dream lol #sam winchester #dean winchester #also why am i analyzing supernatural in my dreams?#i don't even do that when i'm awake #????

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mothric · 7 months

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my medication: take with a full glass of water first thing in the morning a full 1/2 hour before eating :)

me, dry swallowing my pill in between mouthfuls of granola bar on my way to work: interesting suggestion. however,

#listen when i stumble out of bed i'm not thinking about anything i'm going to pee and mechanically brush my teeth while my system boots up #i'm not even fully awake for the first like 20 minutes #and by the time i achieve actual consciousness i'm HUNGRY #what's a shmuck like me supposed to do? starve????#also a full glass of water on an empty stomach hurts i hate that shit #DON'T TAMPER WITH YOUR MEDICINE THO this is not about an ssri or anything that can severely fuck you up if not taken properly #my understanding with mine is it just won't absorb as effectively which isn't ideal if you do it all the time #i usually remember it's just funny to me when i don't #mar 2024

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northwest-cryptid · 18 days

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I literally feel like I'm dying and I need to see a doctor, but I can't worry about that right now because

My bank account is literally in the negatives because I'm too disabled to work and can't make money but I can't worry about that right now because

I'm months overdue on getting my car new tags, but it won't even start if I could drive it so I need to jump the battery and get gas which I don't have money for, but I can't worry about that right now because

People are still expecting me to be social across numerous friend groups and it's pulling me in so many directions that I'm stretched so thin I'm running on no social battery for the last month, but I can't worry about that right now because

I still need to actually clean the house, do the dishes, clean the cat litter boxes, vacuum, and do my laundry... but I can't worry about that right now because

I still need to actually set up my new desk so I can stream since I haven't been able to do that for weeks and streaming is unfortunately my only source of income for how little I make every month, but I can't worry about that right now because

My partner is going through a really hard time right now and I need to be there for her and do what I can to make sure she's okay.

#People like me don't make it man. We just don't.#I'm hyper dependent on others to the point where I'd be homeless without my partner #I'm stressed day in and day out I get messages from people who want me to play games or hang out or just chat and I can't even #find the time to respond because I have 12 other things I need to be doing and those 12 other things aren't getting done because #every single thing I need to do is preventing me from doing something else and at the end of it all my health is getting worse and worse #and as it gets worse it costs more to fix and I can't get on disability without paying for a lawyer with money I literally do not have #and I'm losing it I'm literally going insane I'm pissed off because I see people blame the country I live in or the circumstances I'm in #and they act like they can't do anything and it'd be wrong of me to ask them for help #and I know when I die (and at this point it won't be long) they're going to act like this is the fault of america or some shit #they're not going to think about how they could have helped #and it sucks because some of my friends DO try to help they really do and I love them for it but it's so hard for me to see people #who don't make much money and who are also in tough situations throwing what they can at me to help me when I know people who have so much #they spend it frivolously on luxuries and I want to strangle them but then I'm not owed anything so it's not my place to tell them how #to spend their money or live their life.#and I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired I can't even stay awake for a few hours before I am too exhausted to sit upright anymore #I pass out and find myself without energy before I've even done anything and I'm only 29.

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medicinemane · 4 months

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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain

#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff #but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me #cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain #I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt #I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time #I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it #and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down #but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit #like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik #but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it #though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot #but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless #cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy #if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it #not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises #anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was #I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid #it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time #but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping #like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either #there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man #...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing #they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 5 months

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If you've never heard an LRAD go off in person, I *genuinely* do not want to hear your opinion about methods of resistance in the US.

#i'm so fucking sick #wifey and i are pretty sure we got COVID so we've been isolating and trying to stay well #this is now at least my 2nd infection though #and you can tell too #wifey has been having trouble keeping me fed and hydrated and CONSCIOUS because I'm so tired I can barely function #this is despite sleeping for 12 hrs a day the past two days #and being fully medicated (or as fully medicated as I can be)#and on top of that my hypotension has been acting up severely since getting sick and I can barely walk 10ft b4 losing consciousness #i've haven't started throwing up my food and water yet but I've come pretty close especially early in the morning #anyway the point is that I am like. visibly being hit with an autoimmune aggravator not just a normal cold #and unfortunately #I'm taking it harder this time than the last #wifey is doing okay and mostly experienced it as a headcold with severe fatigue #she's pretty much better now a week or so out from starting to show symptoms #we....don't like when she gets hit that hard tho because it usually means I'm about to get bodied #pattern is holding so far regrettably lmao #anyway #my point is that I'm sick and angry and grieving and I really want to hit something or set it on fire #but i can't because i can barely move or even stay awake #and this is literally all my personal hell #as a result i am finding that I have a uhhhhhhhhhh unreasonably low threshhold for irritation recently

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ectoplasmer · 2 years

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y'all ever feel so much love for your f/o that you just get moved to literal tears or am i just a mess

#art is making me feel things once again #marigoldshipping #<---- mima brainrot hours which is terrible timing because i need to be awake in like six hours #but i am over here. kicking my legs in bed every five seconds #i love him so much he's a literal safety hazard akjjhdsh :(#he's also just a huge nerd and literally just a big loser but/lh #aaaa stopp making me FEEL THINGS it's horrible #i need to be sleeping and not generating tears because my heart goes crazy over fictional characters #literally smiling like an idiot just thinking about him while typing this #he's just. >_<#oh terrible another moment where i can't convey what i'm thinking #he's just... he's such a nerddd aaaaa #his snarkiness his obvious need to dramaticize things even though he *claims* that's a thing that only marik does now (he's lying)#his attempts at seeming much more stoic than he actually is his poorly hidden attempts at trying not to seem like he cares too much #how he can be so arrogant and sharp one second and try so hard to be responsible and gentle the next #how he tries to act like he isn't as much as a wreck as the rest of us but he definitely is #i don't. even know what i'm trying to say. i don't think i ever really do when it comes to any of them #they make me so stupidly incoherent i can't even think correctly right now #i just... i love how i've managed to get past his walls. that i get to see more of him now #not just the scary and daunting part that he used to be. not just the level headed and intimidating part. not just the upset and angry part #i get to see the sides of him where he makes dumb and ignorant mistakes. i get to see him when he's calm. i get to see him when he's happy #i get to see him when he's sad and i get to see him when he's completely vulnerable #i get to see him in every mood and in every emotion. i get to see every part.#and i love all the parts of him. all the mess and fuss and the wrongs and the rights and the good and the bad #all of it is completely lovable to me. he's completely lovable to me.#i just. aaaa sobbing crying sniffling into my hands HE'S SOOOO #god damnit melvin you're making your girlfriend cry STOP BEING SO YOU PLEASE #he's. so pretty and handsome and bbdbfhfbjdffjdfd #i've been talking about my f/os so much recently i'm so sorry ><#gonna. try and fall asleep but my heart is literally beating so hard right now skjfkjds

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bluebellhairpin · 14 days

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having online friends is great but it also fucking sucks ass because the moment you find one in your timezone you realize you have nothing to talk to them about, and the ones who you can talk to stuff about aren't in your FUCKING. TIMEZONE.

#LIKE WDYM THEY'RE ALL ALSEEP WHEN I'M MOST CHATTY????#WHATS SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR ABOUT THAT HUH??????#i'm so fucking jealous of all ya'll who are in america bc u basically are all online at the same time #(when i'm asleep)#its why i love having someone who doesn't mind huge gaps in conversations and will just. keep talking even after six hours of slience.#one thing i miss about doing rp is that you can always expect a reply when u woke up. don't get none of that top tier shit no more #I LOVE YOU ALL HEAPS. LIKE SO SO SO MUCH. I JUST WISH SO BAD I LIVED CLOSER SO I COULD BE AWAKE WHEN Y'ALL ARE AWAKE TOO

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agueforts · 1 month

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i wonder, if i ever met a dropout watcher irl and somehow managed to not drop a reference anywhere in my time around them and so they wouldn't know i watched anything from it, how fast they would catch onto me from my speech patterns, or how fast they would realize in retrospect where all these things come from upon finding out. or like, alternatively, someone getting to know me irl and then being introduced to dropout, and suddenly having a frame of reference for like. what a lot of my speaking habits are probably modeled after. does it show that i watch dropout? do i talk like a good percentage of the audible conversation i am exposed to in my daily life comes from one streaming platform? would love to know. would truly love to know

#aspen tag #it really is like. like.#there is only so much of sentence delivery you can convey online and i STILL think i'm noticable out here #but like. in my head? just fucking thinking my thoughts?#i will look back in on myself like a hall of mirrors and go “oh i am putting emphasis on this sentence exactly like brennan does”#or “oh i am doing this thing to make people laugh that i picked up from aabria”#i straight up like do not see ppl irl often or rlly even like talk to people out loud with my mouth all that much #bc not all the friends i have online rlly vc and i'm also not always awake when they do #or i'll be like bouncing around between discord and watching something and i don't catch that they're on until they're not doing it anymore #and . ..... this is a rheka voice. is what i'm doing as i'm thinking this #sorry. anyways. back on track #i don't have a job i'm not in school i have like ... just started a hobby but i haven't really connected with anyone there yet etc #the people i have conversations out loud with regularly can be sorted into two categories and they are my parents and doctors #so like i have so little frame of reference for what i am like in actual conversation with ppl just out of scarcity of data to work with #and like ..... idk. it'd be interesting #obviously i know i'm mirroring it because i'm in my own head #but i don't know to what degree it'd be noticable to other people (if at all)#it'd just be cool to dig into if i ever got the chance #and like. y'know. obviously there's like the “in-credible” level tells and shit. but like. inflection? wording habits?#the stuff that's like. influences. as opposed to direct draws. i SAID smth about this in the tags and somewhere in the edits it got lost #so. yeah. that stuff. that stuff

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delzinrowe · 2 months

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I wish I could say I'm living, but surviving is not even close to living

#i don't even know if I'm surviving at all #I'm just awake and asleep #awake and asleep #i genuinely don't know what to do anymore #Like I have this desire and wish to stream but when I sit down I'm already sweating and it's so hot #that my brain just kinda doesn't wanna anymore #shut up stef

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warrior-of-sunlight · 9 months

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I just fucking love it when someone has dogs that are too strong for them and one of them is dog aggressive and not wearing a muzzle. Just love it. And don't get angry when I need to physically kick your dog away after it bit both me and my dog, be happy my almost 40 kilo dog listened to me and did not bite back. Fucking hell.

#good morning!#I didn't even have my coffee yet #Roef is too riled up for me to check him properly for bites #he looks tough but he's easily scared and he's pretty shaken #even after we walked off the tension somewhat by walking for an extra 30 minutes #there was some blood on my hand when I felt his leg but I can't see anything #will check again when he's calmed down #haven't seen any more blood so I think it's not that bad luckily #I have a bruise on my leg and a little superficial hole so it's not that bad #that dog wasn't there to make friends #I'm ashamed to say I kind of lost it #I yelled like a fishwife and cursed like a sailor #pretty sure everyone in my street is awake now #I do feel bad about kicking a dog though but I think the kick was nicer than having Roef actually getting angry and biting #I don't think I really hurt the dog that bad and he did back off long enough for his owner to fetch him so it is what it is #I could have been kinder to the lady because I'm sure she didn't want this either but I was so fucking pissed and just went off #maybe I'll have a talk with her once things have cooled down she only lives a block away so I know where to find her #liedeke talks #dogs #animals #roef #my pets #my dogs

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starpros-sunshine · 9 months

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When others enjoy things in an overly emotional and enthusiastic way I find it tacky and rebarbative. When I do the exact same thing though it's different. Then it's appropriate and justified. Obviously.

#mind you I am not ralking about the concept of cringe #I don't cringe #i just think it a bit silly #but to eaxh their own whatever makes people happy I suppose #as long as it doesn't harm anyone I don't care #but you have to admit sometimes it's really very silly #honey no you have not got it. you haven't even placed the order yet.#when I do it it's fine though #completely fine #the funny thing about this is that i really hate hypocrisy #see there's a fine line between self loathing and pushing an ego the size of the universe and I walk it perfectly #so perfectly in fact that they balance each other out #I don't hate myself I think I'm too good for that but I also don't like myself because lets be real. I'm really not It.#so what I end up with is a healthy dose of self criticism and a differential worldview #because who am I to judge #god I am so good at this being normal thing I really really am #delete later #I'm not awake enough to keep up the usual attitude of youthful cheeriness and charming idiocy you'll get your regular clownguy back by #well tomorrow probably #if the humiliation of self exposure allows me to make the return ans not just lynch this blog immediately #we'll see #not that it matters anyways

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youremyonlyhope · 3 months

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Me last night at 3am: I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow. Or at least earlier. I'm gonna get this sleep schedule somewhat under control!

Me at 10am: *Wakes up. Snoozes my alarm for 2 hours*

Me at 12pm: Well. Getting out of bed at 12 is better than 2 like yesterday.

Me from 5pm to about 7pm: *takes a nap in an armchair*

Me right now at 4am: God why am I not sleepy yet?

#once again. i know this is my fault. but still.#i'm going to bed now. i'm going to TRY to wake up at 10am. and like GET UP. out of bed.#i've said that many times this last week or so while lying awake while the sun comes up #that i'd get up after an hourish if i still hadn't slept and just dealt with the tiredness.#but every time i post that. i inevitably finally fall asleep. like the act of saying it makes me do the opposite.#but today. TODAY. i will get up by 10am. even if i barely sleep.#and i will force myself up and out of bed and even out of the house #i'll get some breakfast from a deli. maybe pick up a prescription that's waiting for me if it's not too hot to walk to the pharmacy.#and i will be up and awake #...but still watch me sleep till noon or later... i don't WANT to... but my body just does it #this is what happens when i don't have a regular work schedule. please someone hire me if only to help my sleep schedule.

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magentagalaxies · 6 months

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the saga of my newly fucked up sleep schedule is apparently not over!! even tho i did get a normal 8 hours last night i was in a show today and when that wrapped and i got back to my dorm at like 4:30-ish i decided to take a quick nap which turned into me waking up at almost NINE PM

on the plus side i'm fairly sure i lucid dreamed a couple of times during the nap so that's a plus

#i say ''fairly sure'' bc for me lucid dreaming is always kind of in this weird area where idk how much i can actually do it #bc most of the time i let dreams play out without trying to control them. like jfc i already make enough decisions while i'm awake lmao #mostly i'm just Aware it's a dream and if i'm like ''this dream sucks'' i can just decide to wake up #which i kind of wish had been the case this time bc jfc that nap was too long #HOWEVER this time i controlled things a bit more when there was like something coming up like #''i'd love to do (x opportunity) but i can't we don't have the time'' and then i'd be like this literally has no consequences it's a dream #so i'd just focus on moving us to that scene instead #or if something was really enjoyable i'd construct a way to do it again. like not being able to control everything #but being able to control that one element #so yeah idk exactly where i'm at in terms of lucid dreaming but at least i can make my dreams enjoyable!#even if the consequence of that is not having the motivation to be like ''this sucks'' and wake myself up at a decent time

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ereborne · 4 months

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Song of the Day: May 29

“Evil Like Me” by Kristin Chenoweth & Dove Cameron for Disney's Descendants OS

#song of the day #time is fake! sometimes I'm awake and it's logical to assume that sometimes I'm asleep! and the days must pass but do I ever know?? nope #fuck I spent all day thinking today was the last day of the month and then it turns out it's not even Thursday #sang 'Evil Like Me' with Duncan at the dinner table while I ate the cabbage and I made this cabbage after the work not-a-bbq so #almost definitely that was today!#I fell asleep standing up in the shower again but the drain has been draining very slowly so when I woke up there was water above my ankles #if I flood our house with the water from my shower while I am actively standing in it and I don't notice because it's the only time I sleep #I'm going to shrink myself down and move in with the mice colonizing our neighbor's boat trailer #the mice will never know my shame. Duncan will put cheese sandwiches out in the alley for us and it will be more than I deserve #this is a really good song. very fun lyrical nonsense and also very fun musically to sing. love the idea of Kristin Chenoweth Maleficent #'I have tried my whole life long / to do the worst I can / clawed my way to victory / built my master plan #now the time has come my dear / for you to take your place / promise me you'll try to be / an absolute disgrace'#Nick really doesn't like this song for some unspecified reason--we've asked but he just gets kind of mad? like it should be obvious?#I think maybe he thinks they're making fun of people who sing about like. doing crimes? being bad???????????????#like honestly what could be more punk she's literally Maleficent but go off I guess #I dunno but if I were going to be mad about a Descendants song that I occasionally roam the house over-selling #it wouldn't be a Broadway-star-supported certified banger like 'Evil Like Me'#it'd be goofyass 'Rotten to the Core' where I'm playing four parts simultaneously and pitching my voice up and down like a rollercoaster #love that fucking song it's so dumb and it's so much fun and I get to stomp on the chorus bits

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momiji-kitsune · 8 months

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Me: Hey parents, my sibling stayed up until around 4 in the morning.

Dad: *Enraged noises* That's unacceptable!!!

Me: *Visible confusion* They're 17. What do you expect?????

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izzy-b-hands · 2 months

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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.

#text post #like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late #and god why do we have to do another visit #they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out #can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after #i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel #i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that #they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically #and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor #and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt #that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it #bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it #they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like #im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything #unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care #anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great #that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday #(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week #and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure #for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up #he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at #so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that #and that's money i don't fucking have rn #i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this #and now i definitely cant bc like #it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried #what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule #that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November

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