#i don’t think this is anti snow white i love her as a complicated and flawed character but im certainly holding more fire to her than the

[bohemian-nights]

Hi, who is speculated to be cast for nettles? And where are people finding out casting rumors? I'll be so upset if they race change her I seriously hope it's not true

Lol her name is Rhianne Barreto. She followed some of the HOTD cast and I believe some of them followed her. People are saying she’s Nettles because she’s tan(and yes I say tan because she’s barely even non-white and she’s most certainly not black)🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m not joking, someone saw her photo on twitter under the speculation and went “Nettles😍”🤦🏽‍♀️🤬As if Nettles isn’t described and shown to be Black in the official art and the lore video back in 2016:

So that’s how this has started. People assuming sh!t and saying this tan woman(no disrespect to her but she’s not a brown skinned black woman which Netty is) is Nettles🤦🏽‍♀️Never mind the fact that she very well could be Sara Snow(which she better f*cking be Ryan Condal/HBO). Nope has to be Nettles. We can’t let you silly negros have everything ☺️

Honestly I’m be surprised the way fans are trying to twist things and if HBO does actually try to race bend the only in canon Black character for “diversity”

Some fans have been saying for months that they want Nettles to be Asian because they made the Velaryon’s Black(they also made Mysaria Asian, but yeah let’s focus on Black people)🤦🏽‍♀️ Like yeah I’m all for diversity, but not at the expense of taking away roles from the hands of actual Black people. Asian people and Black people do not have the same experiences. We are not the same.

This is just as bad as if they made Nettles white. As Black people, particularly Black women, we get so few positive representation in the media and you want to take that away? Nope. This isn’t f*cking cool or cute. I am not here for it and will not be supporting the show.

HOTD already has been shown to be anti-Black. They turned the Velaryon’s Black and gave them the shittest story’s particularly Laena. in the books is a white woman who is loved by her husband. She dies from childbirth complications not from lighting herself on fire. I do not care how you f*cking spin it, that scene was not empowering. That was traumatizing. Her whole arc was a joke. You turned a loved woman into a sad neglected wife who lits herself on fire because her husband doesn’t love her when you made her blackish.

If this woman is Nettles(for your sake HBO I hope she’s Sara cause you won’t get away with this without backlash) then this is the final nail on the coffin. Honestly this move would be less about diversity and more about not having a black woman being shown in a loving relationship. That’s really what this is about. This actress is a more socially acceptable(model minority myth) than if she was kept as her brown skinned Black self.

I can’t in good conscience support a show that perpetuates misogynoir. I hope this actress is playing Sara Snow and I’m just overreacting, but if not, prepare to be dragged HBO🤷🏽‍♀️ Don’t think you’ll be able to get away with this.

[goldinavonlea]

So let’s talk about Prissy Andrews and That Scene. 

What I’m fascinated by with Prissy’s storyline the first two seasons is that it’s almost an anti-coming-of-age tale and you don’t (or at least I didn’t) realise quite what they were doing or how well they were doing it until the scene where she runs out of the wedding.

Right from the off Prissy is framed apart from the other girls. One of the first things Diana says to Anne on her first day of school is that they can sit together because “Jane and Ruby may sit together, now that Prissy’s studying for Queen’s academy entrance exams and needs to sit with the older students.”. Notably however we never really see any of these supposed other Queen’s prospectives, certainly not in any detail. Prissy sits at the back of the class, she’s taller than the other girls, she looks older, and we almost never see her specifically with the other girls.

Our first real introduction to her is when Diana and Anne see her and Phillips through the supply room window. Now when Anne asks if they’re married, Diana does respond “Of course not! She’s a student and he’s old”, but the real impact of that age gap is overshadowed both by how Diana’s line is played—there’s a childishness to it, she says old like she means ancient when he clearly isn’t, the same sort of way that as a small child your friends’ older siblings seem like Grown Ups even when they’re definitely not—and by Anne’s immediate following comment of “They must be making a baby” which again they very clearly aren’t. The scene isn’t really about Prissy and Phillips—it’s about Anne and Diana’s innocence, and a clear set up for how the limits of that innocence in Anne compared to her peers are going to get her into trouble. Even the way we see them—blurred through the window, the most obviously charged moment a shot of their hands that excludes their faces—is nebulous, unsharp, tinged with the childlike comprehension of the scene that Anne and Diana have. The way the scene is framed and where the focus is draws attention away from what’s happening: an adult man in a position of authority is conducting a romantic (or supposedly romantic) relationship with a teenage student. 

The visual indicators we see of her youth—the shorter dresses and pinafores, the hair worn down—are things which are used consistently through the show, so we Know, but they also don’t resonate to the modern audience with the immediacy they would at the time. We see as viewers that young girls wear their hair down and adult women wear their’s up, but we don’t immediate see Prissy wearing her hair down and think ‘This is obviously a child’ because that’s not the case in the modern world.

Throughout both the first and second seasons the majority of the interactions we witness Prissy having are with adults, and though these are clearly not equal interactions—between her mother and her, between her and Phillips—the fact that these adults are the people we see her interacting with frames her subconsciously in the minds of the viewers as one of them. Even in the scene between Prissy and her mother Prissy is clearly the taller of the two—all of these things which despite our again Knowing that she isn’t suggest that even if she’s not quite on the same level as, in the same position of power as, these adults we see her interacting with, she is closer to being one of them than she is one of the other girls.

Which is precisely how Prissy sees herself: “not a child”.

And because of all this careful positioning I think we, as an audience, kind of buy it. We’re placed into that sort of dazed, half-cognisant view of the situation that Diana and Anne have through the window: of course we know that it’s ENTIRELY not alright for an adult teacher to be pursuing a student, a child, romantically (’romantically’ in descriptor only: it’s not romantic, obviously, its horrific and predatory), but we’re prevented from ever really feeling the full horror of it because we never really see Prissy as a child.

Until. UNTIL that moment at the end of the aisle where she starts to look around. We see a shot of her face, then a shot of Anne. A shot of her face, and then a shot of Diana and Minnie May. A shot of her face, and then a shot of her mother’s. She’s stood there in this elaborate grown-up wedding dress with her hair all up at the end of the church aisle, and it’s in that EXACT moment that the full-fledged wrongness of the whole situation is truly presented to us as viewers. She looks at this audience, at these people, looks at Anne and Diana, and at her mother, and realises herself which of those two groups she belongs too. Suddenly there’s something almost grotesquely farcical about the wedding dress, the hair—it looks wrong, she looks like she doesn’t know how she got there. It isn’t until she’s right there at the end of the aisle that the show really, violently hits us with the appallingness of the situation—she’s vulnerable, frightened, and being married off to an adult man who was able to manipulate her because he had power over her and it hits us exactly when it hits Prissy.

When she runs out of the church it isn’t any of the adults who follow her: it’s the other girls. And then we get those fantastic shots of them all running through the snow—all these bright, candy-coloured girls running after Prissy who’s stumbling through the snow in her mother’s veil and a dress she has to hike up because it’s so long (too long for her—she shouldn’t be in that dress, she’s not ready for it), a dress you don’t realise is actually just a little off-white until it’s contrasted against not just the snow but her bright white petticoats. The white of a wedding dress is supposed to represent purity, innocence, and the contrast here of the dress itself and the petticoats—the cloak of greater experience, of age, even perhaps of complicity in the situation over this underlayer of absolute innocence and youth and vulnerability (costume designer marry me when?)—it’s all this sort of horrifying realisation, this sudden sharp sharp focus of how Not At All Okay this situation has been the entire time as she falls over and collapses into the snow, the other girls gathering round her. 

And then she sits up and you realise she’s laughing.

That’s the anti-coming of age moment. That’s the first moment that we’re encouraged to really look at Prissy and go ‘She’s a child’. We’re given all the moments before of that We Know This Isn’t Right feeling that never quite materialises fully, that awful sick horror in the church, this huge sadness for her as she’s running through the snow, but then this sudden glorious, boundless, childlike joy as she starts laughing with the other girls—suddenly they are the other girls, suddenly she is entirely, obviously one of them—as she throws her arms up in the air, and the other girls link arms around her, literally gather her into her circle, start dancing around her. 

Prissy Andrews, in a dress that’s too long for her, that suddenly looks like a costume, giggling with friends, dancing in the snow, miraculously and finally a child.

There’s something almost painfully miraculous about it: this girl who was so nearly lured into adulthood much too soon finding joy and fulfilment and the hope and possibility of a future not in becoming an adult, but in reclaiming her childhood—not in growing up, really, but in growing back down again and finding friends waiting for her with open arms and excitement and a love that doesn’t ask her to give up anything at all.

Prissy Andrews, ‘a girl again, half savage and hardy, and free’.

[ussjellyfish]

please have snow and mistletoe | gen | Skimmons, Philinda | Agents of SHIELD

written for @agentsofchallenges​ as a pinch hit for @maybebrilliant​!!

Merry Christmas, lovely! I hope you enjoy this. We’ve had some awful weather and that just seemed to work. 

read on ao3

Jemma and Daisy were supposed to go see her parents for Christmas but it's snowing and the flights are cancelled the hotels are full and they're in the worst airport Jemma's ever seen.

So May's going to come get them.

=======

"The flight's canceled," Jemma reports, flopping down on the bench, totally defeated. "So is everything else crossing the Atlantic Ocean that's not a boat, and I think they're turning those back too."

Daisy pats her shoulder and finishes the last of her cold coffee. "Guess we should call your parents."

"They'll be so disappointed," Jemma says, taking a breath. She probably wouldn't be near tears if it wasn't the middle of the night in potentially the worst airport on the eastern seaboard. Newark was crowded, so many flights had been delayed or cancelled that she and Daisy had barely gotten a bench after they'd barely gotten through customs. They'd already queued for hours, had terrible food, and the bathrooms were overcrowded and everyone was annoyed. Everyone was so annoyed that the air seemed to crack with it.

"Hey," Daisy said, smiling. "They'll understand. We can get a hotel or go back to base and we'll try again."

"Before the world ends or we get attacked by killer robots."

Daisy laughs and leans back. "We're good at that though, so it'll have to be another horrible thing."

"Like aliens." Jemma tries to smile. "Or weeping angels."

"Why are the angels sad?"

"Oh they're not actually weeping they're just covering their faces because they're evil and they're going to get you as soon as you stop looking."

Daisy grins. "Wait, what?"

"It's complicated, but the gist of it is that the angels sneak up on you when you're not looking at them."

"And they're evil."

"So evil."

"So let's not fight them." Daisy pulls her feet up and wraps her arms around her knees. "What do we do if there's no flight?"

"We rent a car-"

"Oh no, it's like The Day After Tomorrow death blizzard out there, we're not driving, you get annoyed with the traffic around the Playground."

"I'm only pointing out that roundabouts would be much more efficient."

"Uh huh." Daisy takes another sip of her coffee and frowns. It must be gone. Daisy looks for the bin, but of course there's no bin, this airport is the 8th circle of hell.

"We could get a hotel, hang on," Daisy opens up her laptop, touches something, does something else and even in hell, Daisy has wifi because she's Daisy. She's probably hacking NASA or something.

"Dammit," Daisy mutters after a few minutes.

"Let me guess, they're all booked."

"Everything. So many people are stuck here that I can't find a hotel anywhere within a hundred miles."

"And we'd have to get the hundred miles."

"Yeah." Daisy rubs her eyes. "We could just sleep here."

"In an airport?"

Daisy shrugs. "It's not the worst. It's safe, but the stupid lights are on all night and it's really not very comfortable."

Jemma sighs, buries her head in Daisy's shoulder and groans. "Spending the night in the airport on Christmast?"

"With a couple thousand of our stranded new friends," Daisy mutters. "Better call May and tell her we're not leaving the country."

It's somehow one of the shortest and most touching conversations of her life.

"May's coming to get us."

"What?" Daisy asks, eyes wide. "It's like...actual hell out there."

"She's driving, she said two hours, maybe three, but she'll be here before dinner."

Daisy shakes her head. "Okay."

"That's really nice of her."

"She is really nice."

"I know, I just--" Jemma stops, because she really can't complain about not getting to see her parents for Christmas because she's seen them every other Christmas of her life and she has parents, and a wonderful girlfriend and May who's coming to get them through the worst blizzard of the last sixty years.

She still wants to be home. She's earned it. It's been such a long year. She sniffs, and shakes herself out of it.

"What movies do you have on your laptop?"

Daisy wraps an arm around her and they settle in as best they can. May will be here.

Oddly enough, two hours later it's Coulson who comes in to get them. He's all wrapped out, parka and hate and scarf and a big smile for both of them.

"Come on, May's just outside." He hugs them, Daisy first, then Jemma, and it's so terrible outside that he somehow smells like snow and cold.

"Aren't you--?" Daisy asks and Coulson just smiles.

"I didn't want to leave May alone in the base for Christmas."

"She said she doesn't celebrate Christmas."

"We like not celebrating together," Coulson says, but there's something that makes him smile about that. "Give me your luggage."

"It's on the plane already, or not unloaded, or--" Jemma stumbles over the words, yawning, and Daisy finishes.

"I think they're going to have to drop it off with us."

"That bad huh?"

"It's Newark," Daisy grumbles, folding her arms. "I wanted to just let May fly us."

"We can't possibly ask May to fly us to my parents house."

"She'd love too," Coulson reminds them both, leading them towards the frozen hellscape of outside. They have to stop talking as they reach the doors because the wind screams around them and whips ice and snow like a sandstorm.

Hell is frozen, and all the devils are here. They hurry into the (once) black SHIELD SUV that's covered in so much ice and snow that's it's almost grey-white.

Daisy doesn't even have a hat because it was nice when they left and they tumble into the backseat, rubbing their fingers together and trying to catch their breath.

May turns around, looking at them both with a very gentle smile. "There's food in the backpack, hot chocolate in the thermos and blankets. Phil, where did you put their hats and mittens?"

"They're in the cloth bag. You didn't really take the hard core winter gear."

"Yeah, it was like 40 degrees when we left the base." Daisy buckles up and grabs the backpack. "I'm starving."

"We thought so, the food here is terrible."

"The worst," May agrees, checking that they're in before she pulls out from the curb. Another car slides past them, like actually slides and Jemma grabs Daisy's hand.

Daisy pats her knee with a smile and mouths "It's May."

It's not that Jemma doesn't have every confidence in May, she does. May is a legend at everything she does, it's just that the weather outside is actually legendarily bad. They crawl along on the freeway, surrounded by giant trucks that can't stay on the road and Jemma counts fourteen cars in the ditch before they're even out of New Jersey.

Daisy leans over, close enough that Jemma can smell the hot chocolate on her lips. "Stop panicking."

"Did you not see the cars in the ditch? The overturned lorry trucks? The complete lack of plows and gritters?"

"What's a gritter?"

"Those big lorries that throw grit on the roadway."

"Grit?" Daisy teases, eyebrows high.

"Stop making fun of me, you know what I mean."

"I do, I just like making fun of you."

Jemma rolls her eyes and tries to forget about the chance of them spinning into a ditch and spending the night sleeping in the SUV. Does SHIELD have any anti-ice and snow technology? Is there some kind of SAT NAV that May can follow out of the storm.

"Stop panicking," Daisy whispers again.

"How are you not?" Jemma snaps back in a whisper. "That car almost hit us."

"Look." Daisy points carefully in the dim light. It takes Jemma far too long to figure out what she's looking at.

Coulson's hand is on May's knee. It's innocent enough, maybe he's just- but it's right there and it looks like it's been there a long time.

"That's not all," Daisy whispers, smiling at the secret she's discovered. "Wait a minute."

Jemma curls up with Daisy and the blankets in the backseat and watches as Couls holds on May's tea so she doesn't have to look away from the road. They talk in low tones, and Jemma and Daisy can't hear them over the sound of ice thudding against the roof and the windows, but sometimes one of them will laugh.

May, laughs, while driving through the worst mess Jemma's ever seen. Time crawls, Daisy falls asleep for a while, then Jemma, but when she wakes up again, they're still driving, and Coulson's hand is on the back of May's neck.

She couldn't really tell what he's doing unless May's getting some kind of stress headache, and Coulson's hand is really hidden in her hair, except the snow's softer now and she can hear them talking.

Still not quite the words, but there's something almost flirty in the way Coulson won't stop looking at May.

Of course, they have a connection, years of history. They're really good friends.

Except friends don't really spend lonely holidays together alone at a secret base.

Jemma falls asleep wondering what they're saying, because May's laughing again and even in the middle of the darkest, most miserable, cold and wet Christmas Eve she's ever had, there's something nice about being curled up with Daisy just listening.

====

"We're home," Coulson says, shaking her a little. "Nice and safe and warm in the garage."

Jemma slowly blinks herself awake, stretching as she crawls out of the car. Daisy stands by the other door, still half asleep. They both yawn and check their phones. It's well after two in the morning.

"Happy Christmas, mum and dad," Jemma whispers to her phone and sends them a text. Maybe she'll see them by New Year.

Daisy circles the back of the SUV, whistling at the snow. "I didn't know the roads could be that bad."

"May did a great job."

Hugging Jemma sleepily, Daisy nods. "Course she did, she's Agent May."

Still arm in arm, they walk towards the front of the SUV to thank Coulson and May for coming to get them, but they stop.

They're kissing.

Not just, light, gentle, Happy Christmas, kissing, but wrapped around each other as if this kiss is the first one of the rest of their lives. There should be music with this kiss.

Daisy stops, mouth open.

Jemma should pull herself together but she doesn't. She stares too, because they keep going until both of them are gasping for breath.

"Ummm."

"Merry Christmas," Coulson says, blushing a little.

"Mistletoe," May says, pointing up at the high ceiling of the garage.

There's nothing up there. Jemma looks and Daisy looks and they both nod and May grabs Coulson's hand and they walk into the base together, Coulson's arm around her shoulders.

Daisy stares and stares and then her expression softens, warms. "They--"

Jemma kisses her, stopping her speculation. When they part, Daisy looks at her, confused.

"Mistletoe," Jemma teases and Daisy rolls her eyes.

"You know there's nothing up there."

"Maybe that's the point."

Daisy strokes her hair, then smiles. "Sorry. you're stuck here."

"I'm not," Jemma says, and now, finally, wrapped in Daisy's arms, she might mean it.

[highandlowculture]

MEET THE NEW WEST, SAME AS THE OLD WEST

In the second act of Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood, washed-up actor Rick Dalton is on the set of a TV western as his stuntman and best buddy, Cliff Booth is revisiting Spahn Ranch, a former set for movie westerns. The ranch has been taken over by a bunch of hippies who follow some guy name “Charlie”. The heavy of the hippies is a fella by the name of Tex Watson. When conflict arises between Cliff and the hippies, one of the girls runs off to fetch Tex, who’s busy showing a tourist couple around the ranch. Hearing that there’s trouble brewing, Tex snaps to it, galloping across the western landscape on horseback and wearing a black hat. It’s a sweeping shot straight out of a John Ford film. That’s when it clicked for me…

Tarantino has made his third western.

Although there were always spaghetti western elements in his films (especially in Kill Bill vol. 2), QT hadn’t made a full-fledged western until 2012’s Django Unchained. Though entertaining and with an African-American lead, the film is his most straight-forward movie. We know who the heroes are, we know who the villains are. Wrongs are righted with a six-shooter and a hero’s grin. Its followup was another western, 2015‘s The Hateful Eight, a much darker and far less heroic film. All of the characters are flawed if not outrightly fucked-up. If Django Unchained was the sumptuously shot crowd pleaser, The Hateful Eight was the claustrophobic, nihilistic reversal. The western myth of heroes and villains is subverted by an unsavory group of characters who drag each other through snow, blood and racial slurs. Maybe the Old West was a pretty rough place to live in after all!

And now, in 2019, QT transports us to another Old West: 1969 Hollywood.

Fifty years ago. Half a century. Pretty old, right?

Already contentious with reviewers, one of the main debates surrounding Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood is its handling of Sharon Tate and the Manson Family. In the summer of ’69, when Tate, her unborn baby and her houseguests were brutally murdered by three members of the Manson Family, it sent shockwaves throughout Hollywood and America. The utopian dream of the 1960s was over. That’s the sanitized, less complicated history anyway. At the time many people were blaming satanism and Tate’s husband Roman Polanski for his hedonistic ways. Plus anyone deep in the trenches of late 60s hipdom knew that some of the peace-and-love spouting Flower Children might be psychopaths that could turn on a dime. Such darkness was foreshadowed in the music of The Doors and Velvet Underground. As Joan Didion recalled in her seminal work The White Album:

“Black masses were imagined, and bad trips blamed. I remembered all of the day’s misinformation very clearly, and I also remember this, and wish I did not: I remember that no one was surprised.”

Knowing this I find it disappointing just how many reviewers fail to see how sympathetic QT is to Sharon and her friends. They’re shown as cool people with a good vibe (only Roman is shown to be prickish when he speaks rudely to a dog). Sharon and Jay Sebring like to listen to records and enjoy life. No satanism. No orgies. And Sharon’s a generous person. She picks up hippie hitchhikers and buys her husband a Thomas Hardy novel. She relishes the communal experience of watching herself in the Dean Martin film The Wrecking Crew. It’s not just about her. She’s enjoying the connection she’s making with the theater’s audience. On the infamous August night, the film’s narrator talks about how Sharon, in the late stage of her pregnancy, was feeling hot and anxious. In short, Sharon is humanized. She’s a thoughtful, spirited and benevolent presence throughout the film. I think reviewers who view her just as “a Barbie doll” are revealing more of their own lack of empathy than QT’s. And people getting hung-up on how many lines her character speaks have some skewed priorities. As if the only way a person has worth is if they talk a lot. Talking. Talking. Talking. There are so many empty vessels running at the mouth these days. Social media voices bombard us constantly. There’s something to be said for some quiet dignity every once in awhile. Regardless, Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood isn’t Sharon’s film and it’s not a biopic. It’s Rick and Cliff’s film and it’s a western.

If comedy is “tragedy plus time”, then the same can be said for any work of art. The mythology of the Old West often mixed historical and fictional characters. Whether they were Billy The Kid, Wyatt Earp or Butch Cassidy, we’ve seen countless retellings of their exploits, never exactly the same, never entirely accurate. That’s what makes it a myth. A good portion is made-up. Going back to Homeric and Arthurian legends, the foundation of storytelling has always been a collision of fact and fiction, chronicle and embellishment. People make too much of QT altering historic events. Are the Nazis of Inglourious Basterds and the Manson Family of Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood any different than any other mythical villains of earlier works of art? If a filmmaker can’t riff on a fifty-year-old historical event, then what are we really doing here? Do we just want the cinema of Marvel Comics and discreet biopics? QT doesn’t treat history any different than the filmmakers of the 1960s treated the events of the 1860s. Tex Watson, galloping away in his black hat, is a signpost for this. It’s QT’s way of saying: “Every time has its myths, every time has its black hats and white hats”. And the Manson Family, filled with bloodlust and megalomania from the top down, fulfill the role of black-hatted villains quite perfectly.

Does this make Rick and Cliff, two middle-aged white guys who love booze and hate hippies, our white-hatted heroes? Hell, no. With the exception of Django Unchained, that was never QT’s bag. He’s all about the anti heroes of spaghetti westerns and Sam Peckinpah films. Men who have done plenty of bad, sometimes unspeakable, things. They’re only the hero because they wrestle with their past and because there’s always a meaner, badder fella waiting to shoot it out with ‘em. Clint Eastwood’s character in the The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is only “Good” because Lee Van Cleef is so clearly “Bad” (and Eli Wallach “Ugly”). In 1992’s The Unforgiven, Eastwood’s character talks of killing “women and children” in his past. Yet he’s still clearly our hero. The Old West is a morally complex time in which one’s heroism is often defined by a greater and competing villainy.

So when it’s revealed that Cliff possibly murdered his wife and got away with it, he’s stepping into the role of anti hero with a dark past. Is Cliff haunted by his past? Not seemingly. He’s more inclined to shrug it off with a smirk and swig of beer. Shit happens y’know. This makes him exactly the type of guy murderous hippies shouldn’t fuck with. They justify their bloodlust with a self-serving philosophical bent: Entertainers taught them to kill via TV and movies, so it’s okay to kill the people who are involved in making TV and movies. QT makes the bold and provocative choice to not confirm whether Cliff did or didn’t kill his wife, but if he did, he probably wouldn’t dress it up as anything other than a burst of brutish violence that he was lucky to get away with. He loves his dog though, and he’s a good friend. In real life that might not justify liking the guy, but in a western that’s usually enough. Ultimately these character choices made by QT are to set up a mythic showdown between Cliff and the Manson Family. He’s good because they’re bad. It’s the same reason Cliff was shown going head-to-head with Bruce Lee. Masked racism by QT, a known lover of Asian and martial arts films, or a way of building up Cliff’s status to mythical proportions? There was once this ex war hero, who became a stuntman and maybe killed his wife, and he once threw Bruce Lee into a car door on the set of The Green Hornet! Cliff is Paul Bunyan. He’s Bill Brasky. A folk hero for stuntmen and for his time.

And did you hear that one tale about Cliff and the Manson Family…?

Rick’s bread and butter is now guest-starring on various TV shows in which he plays the heavy and gets his ass kicked by the show’s star at the end of the episode. Rick is a boozy, bloated hot mess of a man who’s prone to crying. A lot. His first burst of tears in the film is at the Musso & Frank parking lot, after an agent gives Rick a harsh dose of reality regarding the state of his career. Cliff, always keeping his cool, gives Rick his sunglasses and says, “Don’t cry in front of the Mexicans.” Remember — this is a western. Anyway, if Cliff fills the role of macho, gives no fucks, murderous outlaw, Rick is the contrasting “modern man” or, to use a western term, “tenderfoot”. The film begins with a behind the scenes segment for Rick’s old show Bounty Law. In it an interviewer talks to Rick and Cliff about what a stuntman does. During the interview there’s a quip about Cliff carrying Rick’s load. So right out of the gate, QT brings our attention to the idea that Cliff is the real deal and Rick’s the actor playing a role. This notion is repeated throughout the film (even one of the Manson Girls, “Pussy”, makes reference to Cliff being more authentic because he’s a stuntman rather than an actor). Regardless of whether Cliff murdered his wife or not, he’s an ex military man and war hero, so obviously he’s killed people before. So in addition to taking falls and performing dangerous stunts for Rick, he’s more of a bona fide western anti hero than Rick ever could be. Fittingly, while Cliff and the Manson Family black hats are sizing each other up at Spahn Ranch, Rick is busy acting in a TV western. And Rick keeps crying. A lot. He even cries in front of a little girl who simultaneously coddles and reprimands him. No doubt, Cliff would view this as potentially worse than crying in front of Mexicans. But Rick can’t help himself. He’s both a man of his time and out of time. He can’t roll with the hippies and spaghetti westerns but he’d never last a day in Cliff’s shoes let alone the wild frontier. Even at the end, in which Rick finally gets the chance to become an avenging hero (involving possibly the greatest payoff in cinematic history) if one steps back and thinks of the climactic set-piece, Rick is merely stepping in at the end to grab all the glory after Cliff and his wonderful dog Brandy did most of the heavy lifting. Thus Cliff is yet again carrying Rick’s load.

But this doesn’t mean Rick doesn’t have a victory. He does. It just comes at the midpoint, and it’s the closest thing to a real-life victory in the film. When Rick shows up to play the heavy in the TV western, he’s reached his low-point. Like a different part of the anatomy going into ice-water in Raging Bull, Rick is submerging his face into ice-water in his trailer, struggling with a hangover and hopelessness. Making matters worse, the artsy director shows up and tells Rick he wants him to play a hippie-style outlaw with a fringe jacket, mustache and long hair. The only thing Rick does more than drink and cry is insult hippies. He’s living his worst nightmare as an actor. QT makes another one of his most interesting choices by showing the subsequent scenes from the TV show in the same film stock and style as the main narrative. Thus when juxtaposed to Cliff at Spahn Ranch, Rick’s battle with his growing irrelevance as an actor is given the same cinematic weight. This isn’t just a TV show within the movie — it is the movie! This battle or showdown is just as important as Cliff’s eventual showdown with the Manson Family. Rick struggles. He fucks up his lines. He comes totally unglued in his trailer. This looks like the end of the road for him as an actor. He eventually gets his shit together, embraces the role and goes for broke. It’s a credit to both QT as a filmmaker and Leo DiCaprio as an actor that the villain Rick plays in the TV show ends up being more intense and visceral than the one he played in the main narrative of Django Unchained. Rick’s chops as an actor are restored and he decides to go to Italy and star in spaghetti westerns. He learns to maximize his talent in order to roll with the times.

A protagonist who is at odds with changing times might seem regressive or even reactionary to some people today, but it’s also a hallmark of westerns, especially the westerns of the late 1960s and early 1970s. From Once Upon a Time in the West to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, an impending future of railroads and industrialization is always treated with uneasiness by the heroes. These changing times aren’t going to include them. Their wild and free ways will soon come to an end. Nowhere is this theme most prominent than in the work of Sam Peckinpah. In many of his westerns, The Wild Bunch, The Ballad of Cable Hogue, Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid, the heroes are viewed as endangered creatures who are all too aware of their fate. The character of Cable Hogue even meets his end when a motor car rolls over him. He’s killed by the modern age! Another Peckinpah film from this era, Junior Bonner, is set in 1972 Arizona but can also be considered a western (creating a template for QT’s western that’s not set in the canonical “Old West”). The protagonist and title character is an aging rodeo star (brilliantly played by Steve McQueen, who perhaps not so coincidentally also appears in QT’s film). In Peckinpah’s film, Junior has lost his edge and returns home to take a breather and maybe get his chops back. His struggle is not unlike Rick Dalton’s. They’re both aging entertainers and they both fear they’re washed-up. And as with all of Peckinpah’s westerns, encroaching progress is a threat to Junior’s simple cowboy ways. All of these above mentioned westerns are filled with a bittersweet quality; a nostalgic snapshot that’s destined to become yellow and brittle. The power of myths is they suggest immortality for our heroes.They might be long gone but they live through these tales. Whether’s it’s the Old West of outlaws in dusty little towns or the Old West of ’69 Hollywood, people once lived in these places and they lived vibrant, foolhardy and sometimes dangerous lives. Maybe they didn’t live or die exactly as the tale accounts, but they did indeed live and they did indeed die.

In his film QT references another “man out of time” western: The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. Written by John Milius, directed by John Huston and starring Paul Newman, the film is a highly-fictionalized account of the life of Judge Roy Bean. At the climax an elderly Roy Bean reemerges from a self-imposed exile to have a showdown with businessmen who have surrounded his beloved town with oil rigs. When his enemies ask who he is, Roy Bean shouts “Justice, you sons of bitches!” This is immediately followed by a shootout in which Roy defeats his foes, blows up the surrounding oil rigs and goes out in a blaze of glory. In real life Roy Bean died in his bed after a heavy bout of drinking. What’s most interesting is how QT referenced The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. After the climax of Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood there’s a triumphant but wistful epilogue in which one of our heroes is faced with a future that we all know is a fantasy. Over this scene is an evocative piece of music that sounds like it’s from a fairytale and it plays over the end credits. The piece of music is entitled “Miss Lillie Langtry” and it’s the main theme from The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. Lillie Langtry was a British-American socialite Roy Bean was enamored with and he even went so far to name the saloon in his town after her. “Miss Lille Langtry” plays over the end credits of Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood and the opening credits of The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. But before the credits in Roy Bean we see written in storybook fashion:

“Near the turn of the last century the Pecos River marked the boundaries of civilization in western Texas. West of the Pecos there was no law, no order, and only bad men and rattlesnakes lived there.

…Maybe this isn’t the way it was… it’s the way it should be.”

With Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood, Quentin Tarantino pays homage to a socialite/actress who was tragically murdered before her time and two endangered heroes—one an outlaw stuntman, the other an entertainer—neither of who existed but men like them did. For two hours and forty-five minutes, the onward march of tragedy and time is defeated through a spirited, Old West mix of bravado and audacity. Maybe it’s not the way it was…

But it’s the way it should be.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

8x13: Do Not Send Us Astray - Re-Watch

Hey Everyone! So the rewatch of S8 continues. As I wrap up S8 this week, I’m kind of addressing broad themes rather than specifics in the episodes, but I’m glad I rewatched this season. It’s definitely given me some interesting insights.

This is the episode where the Saviors attack HT and hit a bunch of people with their walker-blood poisoned arrows. Later, when everyone is sleeping in the manor house, Tobin dies from the infection, turns, and starts biting people. Carol kills him. Also, Henry accidentally lets the savior prisoners out when he’s looking for whoever killed his brother, so he runs off. This is the beginning of where Carol will go to find and rescue him.

The first thing I noticed (not really TD) were similarities between Morgan’s arc here, and Carol’s in S10, particularly in the Look at the Flowers episode. So, remember how they had Carol hallucinating Alpha (after she’d died) and Alpha would say things to Carol that other characters, like Lizzie and Mica had said?

I'd forgotten, but they did the same thing with Morgan here. Remember that last episode, Henry killed Gavin. So in this episode, Morgan keeps hallucinating Gavin with blood running down from his throat where Henry stabbed him, and saying all things Morgan used to say in Clear and Here’s Not Here. (You were supposed to, etc.) Just thought that was really interesting, and more proof that Carol and Morgan have pretty much the same arc. It revolves around deceased children they couldn’t save and their (Carol and Morgan’s) mental state. Morgan also does this a few episodes later with Jared after he dies.

Okay, so they have this little battle at Hilltop. There’s a school bus heavily involved, which is obviously a potent symbol. But they also had a light and dark theme going on. Once the Saviors were inside the gates, all the car lights turned off, which plunged them into darkness. Simon even says, “I can’t see shit.” It just reminded me of Beth’s possible blindness, and of her and Noah staggering around in the dark when they tried to escape.

Then, when Simon and the others move forward, the HT-ers suddenly turn all the lights on in a blazing stream and start firing from the windows of the manor house. This is really what wins the battle for them. Simon and the saviors cut and run. Many die, but some, including Simon, get away. But HT has won the battle, and they used the light—car lights, no less—to do that. So obviously very heavy symbolism there.

During this battle, Tobin is stabbed. He doesn’t die here, but rather later from the infection. I think his wound is in the shoulder or chest, but it’s not fatal. The interesting things is that when he goes down, Carol runs over to him. (Remember this is prior to her hooking up with Zeke, which she does after the end of this season, after she saves Henry. So Tobin is her most recent love interest. She left Alexandria at the end of S6 and hasn’t seen him since.)

What caught my interest here is the dialogue. You’ll definitely recognize it. Carol runs over to him. Tobin says, “I’m okay.” Carol answers, “It’s okay. I’m here.” Pretty much word for word what Beth said to Carol at Grady. I have a few possibilities for how to interpret this.  After hashing things out with my fellow theorists, I think I have a better handle on this. So, here’s the thing. I do think this is a Beth thing. Tobin is a parallel/anti-parallel to Beth here. Why? Party because of the Grady dialogue.

Tobin wasn’t bitten, but he still died from the walker virus. Carol didn’t die at Grady, but probably should have (internal injuries). So, Tobin could be an anti-parallel to her. Then again, Carol wasn’t bitten and wasn’t ever really in danger of turning. It’s Beth that we think was bitten but didn’t die. So, I lean toward Tobin being an anti-parallel to her, and that’s why it’s Carol saying the “I’m here” line this time.

But the other reason I’m equating Tobin and Beth has to do with Patrick, from 4a. Remember that he died in 4x01, but no one realized it. He woke up (as a walker) and started eating people at the prison, right? Well, we have the exact same situation happening here. And after thinking about it, I realized something really big that equates Beth and Patrick.

For today, I’m just going to give you that as a tease. I don’t want this post to be overly long, so I’ll talk about Beth and Patrick tomorrow. For now, just know that this Tobin situation in 8x13 plays into that.  

During the fight, we also have Tara being injured. Over these episodes, one thing I haven’t touched on is that Tara and Daryl are constantly arguing about whether to kill Dwight or not. Daryl wants to, but Tara is starting to recognize that Dwight really wants to help them, etc. 

So here, Daryl sees Simon and Dwight sneaking up on Tara to kill her. (Dwight doesn’t really want to; he’s just going along with Simon to keep his cover intact.) Daryl shouts at Tara and she turns, but still gets shot in the shoulder with an arrow. After they figure out that Tobin turned because of the poisoned arrow, she’s sure she’ll die, same as the others, but she doesn’t.

So, plot-wise, this is a way to show that Dwight really is on their side. He might have shot her, but he gave her a non-fatal wound with a NOT poisoned arrow. If Simon had shot her, she would have died.

While thinking about this, I fixated somewhat the poisoning thing, especially as we’ve had so much water poisoning symbolism during S10. It occured to me that maybe we can draw a parallel between Tara and Beth here in that Tara was shot and should have died, thought she would, but didn’t. Which may have been true of Beth if she was bitten, as we believe, and was also true of Carol at Grady.

@wdway​ said she agreed with that. She pointed out that the bullet that struck Beth could be seen as her own, personal poisoned arrow. It probably should have killed her, but didn’t, because there were mitigating circumstances TF couldn’t have seen or known about. The same thing happened here. They couldn’t be sure Dwight’s arrow wouldn’t prove fatal, so they all assumed Tara would die. But she didn’t. Great insight!

@wdway​ also pointed out that, per this edit, Beth’s hand fell like Snow White’s, right? And with Snow White, it was the result of a *poisoned* apple that wouldn’t kill her, but merely rendered her unconscious for a time. So yeah, loving this connection!

The only other thing that really jumped out at me in this episode are the clocks.

As everyone settles down for the night in the HT manor house, before Tobin passes, we see a grandfather clock. It’s basically an 8:20 clock. The hands look slightly off to me, but we’re also seeing it at an angle, so that may be why. Overall, I think this is basically an 8:20 clock, which = resurrection.

So, here’s the sequence we see: First, the 8:20 clock, and then Henry steal a gun, and head out to confront the Savior prisoners. Then we see Tobin take his last breath and die. Then, we see a black, digital clock with red numbers that reads 2:13 am.

So, the idea is, that’s when he died. Then we see—get this—a FULL MOON (think Beta in S10). Then the digital clock again, reading 3:26. This is when Tobin starts biting people. 

So, to be clear, the idea is that it was an hour and 13 minutes between when he died and when he resurrected and started biting. Then we see the lady doctor up and walking around. She looks at her wristwatch (not digital) and it reads 3:57. So another half an hour has passed. (Notice that the second had points to both 8 and 20, because military time). And then Tobin bites and kills the doctor.

Then we see the 8:20 grandfather clock again. And here’s what’s weird: the grandfather clock has stopped. When it first shows it, before Henry, we hear it ticking, and the subtitles also say this. But now, several hours have passed, and not only is it still at the same time but we no longer hear it ticking. So, it has stopped at that time.

No way that’s not a purposeful, symbolic sequence. But it’s hard to tell what applies to Henry and what to Tobin. I suppose if the clock is meant to represent the same as the 8:20, resurrection, then maybe that is just more evidence that Tobin = Beth.

This may also have a connection to Patrick and Carl through Tobin and Henry (yes, I know that sounds complicated) but I’ll get to that in tomorrow’s post when I talk about Patrick.

For now, I’m thinking the clocks here just point to Tobin’s resurrection and him waking and biting people and causing chaos being part of a broader theme that’s been in play since Patrick did it in 4x02. Tune in tomorrow and I’ll get into it in more detail.

That’s all I have for this episode. Pretty interesting stuff that’s making me look at broader themes that run through the entire series, but which we couldn’t have really figured out back when S8 aired.

Thoughts?

[khtrinityftw]

Part 11: It All Ended With a Mouse

While the Kingdom Hearts series was conceived as a crossover between Disney and Square, the addition of Final Fantasy characters was a late one and, while welcome, clearly wasn't the main draw. The main draw was being able to play around in the worlds of Disney movies, see which Disney characters get crossed over with one another, and battle Disney villains alongside Disney heroes.

Key word there: WAS. After the KH Trinity, the prominence of Disney became drastically reduced to a genuinely shocking degree. 

In Days, Roxas barely interacts with the Disney characters inhabiting the worlds he goes to, he never has any Disney hero party members to fight alongside, and the only Disney villain he fights is Pete.

In Coded, all of the Disney stuff are pure regurgitated rehashes that are infected with technobabble data nonsense, and in the last chapter it turns out that none of it mattered anyway and was just there to fill time until the KH-original plot took prominence.

In BBS, the only Disney worlds with even minor importance are the worlds of Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, and that importance only comes between awkward re-enactments of the movies' stories with the KH-original heroes shoehorned in. Disney Town is a minigame filler world, and the worlds based on Hercules, Lilo & Stitch and Peter Pan have new stories but they don't really connect with the main one at all and are just there to give the heroes something to do between the midpoint of the game and the climax. There are also no permanent Disney party members in any of the worlds, only occasional guest allies like Prince Philip, Hercules and Experiment 626.

In 3D, all of the Disney worlds are filler that recycle their movies' plots; the only important things to happen all transpire in KH-original locations.

In UX, it's more of the same, with Disney worlds being backdrops for fights and the movies' stories to play out while the actual important plot only happens in Daybreak Town and is solely driven by KH-original characters.

KH3 is the most complicated case, since due to it being such a big release the Disney characters, worlds and elements are given more prominence than they've had in ages and more interaction with the KH-original stuff, but when looking at the world visits only the initial one to the Hercules world has any purpose to the overall story. The rest, regardless of whether they rehash the movie's plot or have new ones, have no in-story reason for Sora, Donald and Goofy to be visiting them, and the things that the Organization members get out of being there are usually incredibly vague and ultimately don't really matter to the climax of the game.

For comparison's sake, every Disney world in the original KH was important to the overarching plot in some way or other, none of the stories in those worlds were direct rip-offs of the movies' but just shared elements with them, and many Disney characters played prominent roles such as Maleficent's alliance of villains and the Princesses of Heart.  Being important to the main plot admittedly meant that some aspects of these worlds and characters went underdeveloped, but that's the main draw of COM: as with all of the world visits being filler rehashes of the first games' with the ties to the main plot removed actually mean that those aspects that went underdeveloped before get to be more fleshed out.

And while KH2 started unfortunate trends by having a third of the world visits rehashing the movies' plots and half of them not connecting to the overarching plot, there were still some obvious exceptions: major advancements in the story transpire in the worlds based upon Mulan, Beauty and the Beast, Hercules, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Tron, not to mention at Disney Castle / Timeless River. Even the filler visits usually had a thematic purpose for existing, there was a clear reason as to why Sora, Donald and Goofy were visiting those worlds, and not having members of the Organization in every world was a wise decision in retrospect because it allows the Disney villains their chance to shine and 3D and KH3 have proven how utterly tiresome it is to be met with a monologuing asshole in a black coat in every single Disney world you play around in.

But even outside of the Disney worlds, the Disney elements in the KH series gradually suffered. The KH-original concepts, characters, and storylines used to be created with Disney in mind, providing the "Final Fantasy game set in the Disney universe" feel that they were supposed to. Keys and keyholes are a long-standing Disney signature, hence how naturally the Keyblade fits in a Disney game. Gummi Ships call the Gummi Bears to mind. The Heartless often feel like something out of Fantasia, Organization XIII share direct parallels with the cursed pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean, and Nobodies are basically like grim grinnin' ghosts from the Haunted Mansion (and hey, DiZ's Twilight Town headquarters is outright called "a haunted mansion"!) And just when you think Matrix-esque datascapes are too weird for Disney, the game goes and reminds you that they made Tron. 

Now, however? It's just plain JRPG nonsense, none of it feels like it connects with Disney and as such is usually kept as far apart from the Disney elements as possible. This means that the KH universe now longer feels like a single, unified world like it did in the KH Trinity: it feels like the world of Disney and the world of Square existing separately within the same game and only occasionally crossing over with one another...usually through the Square elements and characters interacting with the Disney ones, but not vice-versa.

Then we have the Disney characters who used to be important but no longer are. Donald and Goofy barely did anything of significant value between KH2 and KH3, they were just there out of obligation. And while KH3 brought them back into prominence, the ending doesn't make me hopeful that this will continue in the near future. Jiminy Cricket also receded into the background after Coded and until KH3. And Pluto hasn't really done anything since KH2, even though he made a much better partner to Kairi than her former kidnapper!

But the most egregious example would have to be Maleficent and Pete. Maleficent was one of the original game's biggest villains next to Ansem and Riku, and she was resurrected in KH2 and given an arc that promised great things for her in the future, alongside her minion Pete who was that game's most recurring antagonist. And yet they have accomplished absolutely nothing since then! Their time as the main villains of Coded proved to be filler, their one scene in 3D was bizarre and inconsequential, and they literally spend all of KH3 on the sidelines looking for a mystery box and never claiming it. Two of Disney's greatest, most iconic villains - turned into a bad joke.

The ONLY Disney characters who have remained consistently important past the KH Trinity are Mickey Mouse and Yen Sid, the former being considered one of the core group of Keyblade wielders and the latter being the Big Good who assembles all the other heroes to fight Xehanort...basically the Nick Fury of the series.

But they got screwed up too! Yen Sid was turned into an unlikable idiot in with his insistence on Sora and Riku taking an exam that isn't really an exam at all in order to prove themselves worthy of the Keyblade Master mantle despite them having already done so, then flunking Sora for falling into a trap that he didn't see coming either, and then not allowing him to help Riku and Mickey save Aqua until he'd unlocked the Power of Waking...only for Sora to eventually go and save Aqua without that vaguely-defined power anyway!

And poor Mickey ended up looking like the biggest asshole when 0.2 BBS retconned it so that he met Aqua in the Realm of Darkness during the original game's climax, knew she was trapped down there, and then did absolutely nothing and told absolutely no-one until it was convenient for him. Anti-Aqua even drags him for exactly this in KH3, and many players agreed with her! This seems like the exact kind of thing that made Disney not allow Square to use Mickey in a large capacity in the original KH! 

Back during the KH Trinity, there was a man in the production team named Eri Morimoto, and it was said that he was famous in the company for his love of Disney. He even was able to stand up to Nomura and tell him if he was doing something Disney-related wrong. But he never showed up in the credits of any KH game following KH2 because he left Square shortly afterward, and it was all downhill for how Disney elements were handled from there.

At this point, the Kingdom Hearts series is just another Nomura series that just happens to feature Disney in it, and that's not the series I signed up for.

[atimefordragons]

[ T S E S A R E V N A  ... ]

My incomplete audition for Gem Quest, didn’t have the time to participate properly, let alone finish my audition from all the other groups (yeah, I don’t know what time management is and have no idea how to pace myself). 

“В небе далеком горит звезда, | In distant heaven star shines Не одинока и не одна | It's not alone and not the one Каждый себе выбирает путь | Everyone choose their own way И она не даст свернуть | And star won't allow them to turn Не закрывай глаза | Don't close your eyes Смотри она ведет тебя.. | Look, it leads you...”

-  Звезда (Dima Bilan ft Anna Belan)

Real Name: Yekatrina “Katya/Rina” Anatolyevna Raevskaya

Age: 26

FC: Alia Bhatt

Species & Class: Dragonborn & Mage-Knight

Guild: Moonstone

Description of In-Game Powers: (what their fantasy species lets them do, basically, and all the associated drawbacks)

A dragonborn is a cross-bred species, born from the bloodline of either a human or an elf, and a Great Dragon (highly evolved, ancient dragons that can cast spells, and shit, and even speak the human tongue). Because great dragons are rare, most dragonborn are second generation or later. In the case of Tsesarevna, an ice dragon and a human (not a first gen).

Dragonborns have a natural affinity for magic, particularly elemental, even more specifically for the element of the dragon type whose blood they inherited, in the case of Tsesarevna, frozen water related magic, ice, frost, snow.

Place of Birth: Saint Petersburg, Russian Federation

Appearance: (optional textual description/notes of wardrobe, features not represented by fc, etc)

Places Most Likely to be Found In-Game: Level 20 - A Midwinter Night’s Dream (I see what you did there Ayz) and Level 38 - Murias Pass (the snow reminds her of home, ya know. The cold never bothered me anyway), also sometimes Level 39 - The Dragon, but she’s technically stuck on that level because she refuses to kill the Dragon, issa zaldrīzo ānogar.

Current Inventory:

History Book: The Dragon King Festival

Strongest character trait: eurovision knowledge Confidence (in herself and some others)

Strengths: Katya is almost surprisingly determined, it contradicts with the rest of her “I’ve never had to work hard to get what I want in my life” type personality, but she is persevering and stubborn, when she wants something, she won’t stop until she gets it. Which in her real life was never very difficult getting.  

Weaknesses: Where to even start? Spoiled Princess Brat (she has never not gotten what she wants in her life, and it shows), impatient, impulsive, not exactly a team player (I mean, she is now, but that shady shit she pulled back when she first started playing kinda got her a rep), arrogant, prideful, kind of a bitch (doesn’t really think of it as a weakness, but ya know, it’s hard to make friends), dragon obsession (refuses to kill dragons, even in order to advance the game, got herself and party members killed early on in the game ‘cause of it), kind of an adrenaline junkie, and reckless af. She doesn’t really consider the consequences of the game, wholeheartedly believes her dad, fam and connections in the real world will get her out soon enough, so has no problem running head first into fire (”I’m too hot to die in a video game”).

Player Stats: (on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the weakest, 10 being the strongest. try to balance it out!)

STRENGTH: 9

DEFENSE: 7

CHARISMA: 3

PSYCHE: 5

WILLPOWER: 9

CAUTIOUSNESS: 2

AGILITY: 5

ENDURANCE: 7

INTELLIGENCE: 8

LUCK: 4

Personality:  “Haven’t you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch before?”

Haha, yeah, but mostly, she’s just a massive nerd. She’s such a fucking nerd. Bitch learned Quenya and Sindarin just for kicks, and her own amusement. Literally no one else in her irl circle even fucking knows what those two things are (Elvish tongues in Tolkien).

As the baby of a two large families, and the only daughter of a Russian oligarch, Katya is incredibly spoiled, and very much self-centered. Something of a downplayed celebutante, she is not quite as present at every single high society, high fashion event in Russia, or elsewhere in Europe, she only goes to a handful. And really only for the free stuff, she loves stuff. Katya maintains a somewhat disinterested high social status, as she is the daughter of a major industrialist, and friends with other, higher profile wealthy Russian heirs and heiresses, and there are benefits (so many), but she isn't quite interested in attaining spotlight or attention. However, she also perceives it as something that is just naturally part of her life. She uses a lot of hand gestures when speaking, and tends to give off a naive-princessy vibe who seems to think the world revolves around her. Which, to be fair, it does in her house -she does know that it doesn’t actually, but ya know, can’t quite turn off that bitch, I’m a princess mindset.

“I don’t skate through life... I walk through life. In really nice shoes.” - Alexis Rose (Schitts’ Creek 3.04)

Notably, she speaks with a vocal fry when speaking English. She says “like” a lot, has a bit of a condescending tone, but, she like, does care. About a lot of stuff, but also humanity in general. Spoiled baby she may be, she does have a moral compass, and was amongst the public figures who signed an open letter against the Saint Petersburg Anti-”Gay Propaganda” bill (it’s some bullshit about “protecting” minors from “non-traditional sexual relationships”). She believes in doing the right thing, that the goal of any organization or even person should just be to decrease the net suffering of humanity, but also, she is a super proud Russian. Very anti-american, thinks they’re all stupid, always says shady shit in Russian whenever she runs into americans online. However, it’s not like she’s a fan of United Russia (Putin’s party), they’re right-wing nutjobs, she does not like them. Her main political party is A Just Russia, who are much less then left than her (officially, they be centre-left), but they’re the only ones (of her favoured parties) who have seats in the State Duma (the lower house of the Federal Assembly, Russia’s legislative body - the Duma is like parliament, or congress, I think, I don’t really know what congress is tbh, house of representatives maybe? Idk, the place where Nancy Pelosi is charge, equivalent to that). Katya also supports Patriots of Russia, a socialist, left-wing party, but they only have seats in regional parliaments, and only one seat in the Federation Council (similar to the senate, the upper house of Russia’s legislative body). There’s also Russia of the Future, but it’s not been formally registered yet. In the 2018 election she voted for the communist party’s candidate just for kicks (it’s different in Russia, there’s was zero possibility of Putin losing, come on, grow up).

As a side note, if this helps with the explainary-stuff, I basically envision her as a slavic-desi cross of Alexis Rose from Schitts’ Creek, and Gina Linetti from Brooklyn-99, also this hindi song; Sheila ki Jawani. The song is basically about owning the fact that you’re super sexy.

Biography: Katya is half-Russian, half-Indian, born to a Russian father, industrialist (and oligarch) Anatoli Ivanovich Raevsky, and an Indian mother, activist and journalist Mishti Syeda Khan. Her parents eventually separated, though technically are still married, when she was about 14, and her mother moved to Manchester in the UK, while Katya remained in Russia with her father. Katya is from a large family, on both sides, and at the time of her birth, was the first baby to be born in quite a few years (the elder cousins were like tween-teen, too old be constantly coddled and cuddled, and too young to make babies), so she was hella spoiled by everyone. The problems her maternal family had with her mother marrying a non-Muslim white boy? Well, we still hate him, but look how cute Rina is.

Despite the... complications between her family members - the whole religion/marrying a shada (white) boy thing, not to mention that Mishti herself is like agnostic at “best”, in general, as the baby, Katya (or Rina as her mother and maternal family call her), get along - well, okay, there’s always the shady auntieji’s, and bullshit drama, but like, that’s just brown families yo. We like that. We’re all 100% those bitches (see ya at Eid Nanu [grandma], ya messy bitch). While there is some distance between Katya and her mother, metaphorically and literally, she really does look up to her mother and her work, and followed in her footsteps, studying journalism at Moscow State University, and moving on to work at Известия (Izvestia), the “national” paper of Russia, formerly the state newspaper of the Soviet Union. Currently, she’s a glorified fact checker, and maintains the website with a handful of other colleagues. She’s also authored small “puff pieces” for Nedelya (a weekly Friday section about leisure actives, culture, that kinda stuff).

Katya is not exactly an avid gamer. She likes games, but it’s not like a 24/7 thing, whereas she is 24/7 thinking about like ASOIAF or Stars Wars (fuck you JJ, you were supposed to destroy the Sith R*ylo, not join them), not to mention Eurovision. Anyone who thinks Eurovision only lasts for a week is a fake fan, and anyone who thinks it’s a one day thing is an american. Ziben ziben ilulu motherfucker. Anyway.... she prefers immersive, high fantasy worlds, she likes the story and plot, so her types of games are The Witcher and Dragon Age Series, Elder Scrolls, that sort of thing. She doesn’t put in daily hours, ‘cause she got other stuff to do, but will dedicate weekends to leveling up her characters in order to accomplish quests and missions quickly and not waste time to get to the story cut scenes. She hates, hates, hatessss microtransactions and those stupid fucking mmorpg phone games which are literally just farmville repackaged with a dragon or an orc; FUCK YOU. What a fucking waste of time, quit advertising as having a plot and story, or cool character customization, ‘cause you don’t have any of that you basic ass bitch!

Gem Quest was regifted to Katya by a coworker, who had gotten it as a present, but didn’t have a VR set (of course she had one, she’s rich, and also she needed it to play Batman: Arkham VR - she’s still waiting on a game that’ll let her make out with Nightwing while playing as a custom character). She got a bit of a bad rep (understatement) in the beginning of the game. Katya hates being stuck because she doesn’t have enough exp or whatever, so she always levels up in the beginning of a game before taking the time to fuck around and do whatever, which, in the case of Gem Quest, means teaming up is the easiest way to do that. So, whenever a party member was holding them back from leveling up, she would straight up kill them in order to move on. She killed her own irl friends, to be fair, she doesn’t do that anymore, that was just in the beginning, but ya know, the rep of being that bitch kinda hard to get of.

G.’s announcement didn’t particularly freak out Katya. Whatever kind of evil Kaiba Corp execs bullshit he was pulling didn’t matter, he still had a body out there in the real world, and there’s no fucking way her dad would let die in a fucking game. There’s perks to being Oligarchs in Russia, and even if she did die in-game and was unable to return to reality, wherever G. and his real body were, motherfucker will die in excruciating pain. Polonium-210 ain’t pleasant, and the Novichok series is so much worse.

Relationships: (OPTIONAL, fill out whenever you want to)

Silverwing - rn. Anastasia “Anya” Gagarina (fc: Anna Belan), a fellow moonstone, and real life friend - well, the younger sister of an ex-boyfriend whom she still gets along with (the sister, not necessarily the ex).

Inferna - I don’t really have any plotting ideas, but Inferna’s whole; “It’s very important that I am both cute and powerful” is so relatable (to me and Katya xp)

Enthroned -

Morningstar -

Extras/Trivia (aka unnecessary information):  

Her mother, and thus maternal family, are from Kolkata, in the state of West Bengal in India, thus making Katya fluent (relatively) in Bengali as well (well, a dialect of it - West Central, you’d think as an actual Bengali person, I’d know the proper name of it, but nope. Idk, shudobasha maybe, but I think that’s for people from Dakha, which is in Bangladesh, not India. Whatever. Not like my dad will check this and be disappointed in me.)

Apart from her native Russian, Hindi, and Bengali, she speaks English, and Japanese (100% learned it because she’s a weeb), as well as the fictional languages; Quenya, Sindarin (and can use the Tengwar script to write them), High Valyrian, Mando’a, Dovazhul, and Klingon. As a teenager she also created a dictionary for ancient “Black Speech”, an in-universe constructed language in Tolkien’s legendarium, but her version is not canon, so it doesn’t count - she’s also forgotten a lot of it. She was a baby, she still has the hard copy she made somewhere in the Raevsky Manor in Saint Petersburg.  

After graduating from MSU, her father bought her, her own apartment in the Kudrinskaya Square Building in Moscow, adjacent to the ones he owned already, which she had lived in when she moved to Moscow for school. 

Katya’s family is religiously mixed (well, she’s the one who’s mixed), her maternal family are largely Muslim, some Hindu (very few though, like, you can count them on one hand), and her paternal family are either Orthodox Christian or atheist (usually depending on how long they were alive and how into the Soviet Regime they were). Katya’s parents are agnostic (Mishti), and atheist (Anatoli), Katya herself is also atheist, but sometimes she’ll say she prays to the Seven or R’hllar, or Lord Jashin, or some other made up nerd ass religion (’cause she that bitch).

But for real, she can be a real bitch about religion. The Soviets got a lot wrong, but banning religion was not one of them <- so she says. She gets super pissed when someone brings up religion during a politics chat, that fake shit should have nothing to do with running a country. 

hates starbucks with every fibre of her being, it’s such an american staple and the first time she saw one in Russia, she nearly had a heart attack.

Will die mad about:

The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker; the fuck was that bullshit? We trusted you JJ! 

the garbage show’s gaslighting and murder of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, First of Her Name, Rightful Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men. Queen of Meereen, The Prince who was Promised, The Unburnt, Slayer of Lies, Breaker of Shackles, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, and Mother of Dragons.

Hrithik Roshan still being so fucking hot (he’s 45, please like chill a little, holy fuck)

Catarina de Lurton dying 

Former american politician John McCain constantly saying “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country” - bitch, we’re a thousand years old, how’s your 250 year old failed experiment of a garbage nation going? 

Freud.

Links:

Playlist

Pinterest

Urstyle Collection (aesthetics, and other shit)

Social Media

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #223

“broken and sad, as the tarnish on your crown, nowhere to go but down.”

What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The one with fudge in the center. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? Do not ever self-diagnose, ever. There's a quote about this that I love: Something along the lines of, "Your five-minute Google search doesn't compare to my doctoral degree." Something like that. Anyway, everything I have has been professionally diagnosed, though my therapist and psychiatrist both know I question if my bipolarity is actually borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist doesn't see it, and my therapist says my level of self-awareness makes that highly unlikely. Idk though, a loooot of symptoms remind me of myself. What’s your favorite version of the Bible? None. Do you think pineapple belongs on pizza? Noooo. I hate sweet/savory combos. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? My mom. My dad is smart in his own way, but if you're talking about textbook knowledge, yeah. My mom is smarter in that area. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? I 120% got my total lack of common sense from Dad. Otherwise, Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don't have a garage nor bike. What were your favorite gym class activities in elementary school? Okay, do y'all remember those rainbow tarps you'd form a big dome out of? I loved that shit. Even though all we did was talk once inside, lol. I also loved those square roller things. You know, the ones that put your fingers at great risk. Would you rather wear a tunic top and jeggings or a crop top and high-waisted jeans? Okay so I'd fucking love to wear high-waisted jeans w/ a crop top if I had the body for it. Do you think hoodies look better oversized and long, or cropped? Oversized ones are the best. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? No. Did you ever want to be a model? Noooo. What’s your anti-depressant? Vraylar + Lamictal lmaooooo. Do you stretch or do yoga? Not anymore. List all of the colors of dresses you have worn to school dances. I only ever went to prom. My first was maroon, the second black. Did you enjoy school dances? Here's the tea: they're overhyped, at least for my personality. It's loud as hell so you can't hear each other talk, and the music's shit. I only went to his senior prom and mine for the novelty of it. What is something you want to be for Halloween? I am very legitimately considering be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale this year. Read that fucking book, it's one of the best I've ever read, and fucking terrifying as a woman. Who is your favorite parent? I love both for who they are. Do you have chronic pain? Only in my legs due to muscle atrophy that I'm recovering from now thanks to school. What is your favorite part of going to the dentist? My teeth feeling especially clean afterwards. Have you ever not been able to see the big E at the eye doctor? Ha ha, yes. My vision is godawful. What’s on your wish list right now? Just donate to my tattoo fund, lmao. What are you behind on? Politics. What did you get rid of that you wish you had kept? I wish I'd kept Jason and mine's last prom pictures, but literally just because now, I think I looked gorgeous. Does your hometown have bad memories attached to it? The Bloods gang seriously tried to break into the house while my sister and her friend were home alone as pre-teens, guess. Does it irritate you when someone has a dream but does nothing to work toward it? I mean, yes? I feel like everyone should care about that to some degree. Certainly not to an obsessive degree, it's not your life, but you should care that people work towards their aspirations. Do you find the concept of colorblindness fascinating? Yeah, sure. Which site have you been bullied on the most? I wouldn't say I was ever really bullied, but I guess the closest was on an old RP site from one particular person. Who do you wish loved you? A few people. Not necessarily romantically. Do you know anyone who has twin babies or toddlers? Yes. I actually think she has two pairs. If so, what are their names? Idr. I only know them loosely through dance. Would you ever want to have twins? FUCK no. Who has the cutest babies on your Facebook newsfeed? My acquaintance Anastasia literally has the prettiest daughter ever. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pink, duh. Or maroon. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED What’s a song lyric that you like? Korn came out with a new album, and my favorite song's lyrics include "God is making fun of me," and it's my favorite thing ever. Would you ever hitchhike? Why or why not? NOOOOOOO, I don't trust people. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? As a kid, I made a bird house one year. There was this backyard decorating show on Animal Planet when I was little, and on one episode, they made one out of an empty milk jug and leaves, so I duplicated that. What color is your stapler? Black. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. Have you ever been homeschooled? Towards the end of 8th grade, I was homebound. I was deeply depressed, and school didn't help. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? I will forever and absolutely always despise my old doctor for putting and keeping me on a medication that resulted in me gaining around 150 pounds, and I wish I was fucking kidding, and blaming it on me the entire time. Where you live, is it possible to get sunburned&frostbitten in same week? HA, yeah. Do you ever turn your phone off because you don’t want to talk? No, I'll just ignore it. Do you like McDonald’s sweet tea? I hate sweet tea period. Do you like rap? Very little of it. Usually just some Eminem. Do you ever lay down and look at the stars? I haven't done that in a long time. Well, we weren't lying down, but rather sitting in chairs, but when Sara was here last summer, she, Mom, and I all sat outside one night making s'mores and having some drinks, and we looked up at the stars for quite a while. Don’t you hate when songs remind you of the person you’re trying to forget? There are a couple songs I physically can't listen to due to PTSD. Whose bed were you last in besides your own? Uhhh. I think my niece's, though I was just sitting on it. Who’s the last person you kissed? Sara. What’s your relationship with that person? We're really fucking gay for each other. Do you know how many people you’ve kissed? Three or four. I can't remember if I ever actually initiated a kiss with Girt or ever kissed him back, but I don't think so. Do you burn easily in the sun? Like toast on the whitest bread. Have you ever blacked out? I mean, I've fainted. Who do you hang out with the most? My mom lmao. Are you positive or negative? So in my FYS class (that is literally more like therapy), we very recently took an emotional intelligence test (it's like a scale that tells you your strengths and weaknesses in some major areas), and my optimism score was ABYSMALLY low. Like, as low as it could be. I've always called myself a realist, but this was a very detailed and professional test, so I'm taking my results into consideration. Do you believe life is fair? Ha ha, what a way to prove the last answer, but you couldn't possibly make me believe life is fair. It's chance and cause and effect. Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? LMAO YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'LL I'm too embarrassed to ask for "unusual" things. Do you have any embarrassing health issues? One or two. I am a Walking Health Issue. What are you longing for? I want Sara to live here so badly. Distance is getting hard. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Amanda, and Jacob. Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? I never lived in a dorm. Have you ever had a janitorial job? Omfg no. I'm a germaphobe. Have you ever worked in food service? Hell no. I can't deal with hungry people. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? I'm a chocolate bitch. What is your favorite type of donut? Depends on where it's from. Dunkin' Donuts, omlllll gimme a chocolate frosted (never with sprinkles, sprinkles are gross). Krispy Kreme, BITCH I will kill a glazed. What is the name of your favorite bakery? We don't go to any proper bakery. We just get stuff from the ones at grocery stores. What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? I don't go to Starbucks. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? For a certain holiday for Sara. I think it was Valentine's Day? Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? It's some hybrid font of both, but mostly cursive. What do you usually get for your birthday? Meerkat-related stuff. What is a childhood dream that hasn’t stuck with you? I wanted to be a vet. Who was your first favorite cartoon character? Uhhh. Probably Ash Ketchum (I FUCKING WROTE "KETCHUP") or Pikachu. Who is your favorite Disney princess? It was Ariel as a kid, now I don't particularly care, but probably Snow White. Do you like Coca Cola? Hell yeah. Do you like McDonald’s french fries? Are you even human if you don't? Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? My hair was dirty blonde as a kid, so I don't have a clue where that came from. It turned brown though, so I guess Mom, but hers is way darker than mine. What are some other names your parents’ considered when naming you? The only one I remember is Kathryn. Who was the last person you know who had a baby? Uhhh I think it was one of my high school friends. …And what was the baby’s name? Jaspen. If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? Alessandra is NOT up for debate (if I wanted kids, anyway) lol, and Damien. What color is your dresser? Brown. Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? WOW no that would be mighty depressing. Is your hair long or short? Short. …and which way do you like it best? I CANNOT believe I didn't go short earlier. Do you have a problem with needles? Nah. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No, thankfully. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also thankfully no. If applicable, what color are your glasses? Black. Do you like the name Addison? Yeah, it's cute. Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from your closet? No. At least, not a *real* costume. I've just dressed particularly dark before. Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No. Do you enjoy editing photos? I do. Have you ever called the wrong number? Yep, oops. Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? Truth. I never pick "dare," actually. Do you like kissing? I mean yeah, if I love the person. Which Internet browser do you use? Chrome. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? A couple weeks ago I finished The Handmaid's Tale for school. How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? A big 'ole zero lmao. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever cheated on you? Were you mad or sad? No. Are you a superstitious person? Have you ever been superstitious before? No. When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? A few months ago. Have you ever had one of those major fights with your current bf/gf? When we were younger and unstable friends. Do you think road kill is gross? I think it's sad more than anything, but I mean yeah, it can be. But considering a personal project of mine is photographing roadkill to depict the brutality and sadness of it, it obviously doesn't gross me out all that much. Is it obvious when people hurt your feelings? I think so. How many teeth do you have? The normal amount. Have you ever lived outside of America? No. Do you get allowance? I'm 23, I obviously don't now, but I never have. Do you pop your pimples? Yeah, oops. Who did you last dance with? Sara. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? I think so. I wasn't going to like, actively pursue that, but I wanted her dead. Have you ever had braces? Yep. When you get married, do you want to keep your last name? No, please take it away. Do you shave your pubic hair? No. I'll obvious trim/shave along my upper legs in I'm going to wear a bathing suit or something, though. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? Thank fucking god no. Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water? Yep. I have zero clue how people stop water from going up their nose, even if they don't breathe through it. Do you like soft or hard pillows? s o f t What’s the last thing your parents bought you? Mom bought food, Dad bought me my laptopl. Do you know anyone who committed suicide? I'm 99% sure a pre-teen online friend did. I know some people loosely. When was the last time you cried out in pain? That's probably a TMI from having IBS. What do you say when you answer the phone? "Hello?" Do you ever get the feeling you don't belong? Belong where? I need specifics. Are you a timid person? Incredibly. Ever been in love with two people at the same time? No. Ever vomited because you were in shock? No. Do you think the world is a nice place or a horrible place? It's a hybrid of those. Ever had a rumor spread about you? The only one I knew of was one Jason's ex started in high school, that being that we had a baby. Despite the fact I was obviously never pregnant. If you found out you were pregnant how would you react? I'd be fucking terrified and incredibly confused because that's physically impossible. Have you ever been dumped by text? Did it hurt? More like over Facebook Messenger, and fuck yes it hurt considering I was literally madly in love with him and we'd been in a serious relationship for three and a half years. In your opinion what would be the worst possible way to dump someone? See above. (: How do you take out your anger? 99% of the time, cry. Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? Idk. I never did crazy dares. Have you ever cussed someone out? Yes. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Idk. My dad never really punished us, but rather Mom. I would say the time I texted her back "fuck you," but I was an adult by this point so she couldn't really do anything, but I do noooot want to imagine how she would've reacted if we were physically together. When she picked me up, she was furious, but I think she was more shocked I actually said that than anything. I don't remember that night much, surprisingly, considering I tend to remember awful days like that. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. Have you ever had a friend-with-benefits? No. Have you ever spread a nasty rumor about someone? No. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Have you ever been physically abused? Thank God, luck, Heaven, or whatever, no. What’s something you really regret saying to someone? I think more than anything, the time I sent something along the lines of "thanks for sending me to the hospital again" to Jason before I went to the ER for the bajillionth time. Doesn't matter if it was the first, fifth, or thousandth time, that was fucking evil and could've seriously hurt him. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? Uhhhh I don't think so, at least. Do you have a lot of secrets? It depends on who is involved. Mostly though, no. Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? I don't know, actually. Have you ever broken a really important promise? I don't think so. Have you ever gone out with a best friend’s ex? More like mutually flirted with her boyfriend behind her back until he left her for me when I was 12. Fucking disgusting. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever cheated on a test? I actually don't think I ever have. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. I'm honestly very trustworthy with secrets. Have you ever gotten in a fist fight? No. Have you ever done something bad JUST because you knew you shouldn’t? Maybe as a kid? I don't think so? Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yeah. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don't think so? Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? Again I don't believe so. Possibly once, idr. Have you ever kissed someone the same day you met them? No. What’s under your bed? A box of art stuff. Have you ever you shoplifted? No. What do you want more than anything else? Happiness. Have you ever tried coconut water? I have not. How many online accounts do you have? Or have you lost count? Holy fuck, there's no telling. Who was your first love? Jason. Are you the type to hold grudges? Definitely not. What was the last video game you played? I actually have World of Warcraft open right now, but that's a computer game; does that count? If not, uhhh. It's been a long while... I think maybe The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. What’s your favorite flavor of vitamin water? Never tried vitamin water. Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Ozzy Osbourne makes me so nostalgic. His music is so important to me. Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) No, but bitch try to stop me from going to PAX East one day to hug God and cry for two hours in joy. What brand are most of the electronics in your household? I don't think we have a consistent brand for our electronics. It depends on what the thing is. What’s your favorite aunt or uncle’s first name? I can't remember my favorite aunt's name, but the only uncle I know well is Rob. He's hilarious. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Who was the last person you invited into your home? Sara. Are you of legal drinking age in the country you live in? Yes. How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have no clue. Early 30s? Are your parents still together? Hell no. What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? Chocolate. Are you health conscious? To a degree. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? N/A Are there any songs that get stuck in your head very easily? A lot. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. If you found out you couldn’t have children, would you adopt? I'd be fucking ecstatic if I found out I was infertile, especially with how terrified and paranoid I am about being raped. I don't want kids, ever. Would you go back to your most recent ex? No; I don't like him like that. Do you remember the show Bananas in Pajamas? I don't, but I know my older sister was obsessed. If you could know how, when, and where you’ll die, would you want to know? Hell no. Are you really excited for anything? I'm probably going up to Sara's for her birthday and Christmas and I CANNOT wait. Have you ever eaten any type of insect? Not intentionally? I think a gnat or something flew into my throat once, but idk. I've certainly never tried to. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met? Nobody lmao. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes indeed.

[freifraufischer]

I’ve been thinking about dark fic a lot lately with the rise of the fandom purity police including reading some discussions the very gendered way in which these attacks in fandom happen.  

For instance, when you follow the anti-anti- discourse you get repeated history lessons in the etymology of the word Fujoshi.  I don’t read manga or participate in anime fandom but I easily know the stereotype of the straight cis white girl who is fetishizing gay men.  In some circles that word means those women.  Yet the people who are subject to harassment for identifying with that label are by and large not straight cis white girls.  They are queer women, they are mlm, they are nb/trans folk.  Often interest in that genre of material is a way for those folks to find their identities.  In fact in my twenty five years in fandom I actually can’t think I’ve ever encountered the straw(woman) in real life but I’ve known dozens and dozens of not-straight fans of BL anime.  In fact the largest critical mass of trans people I’ve ever encountered was when I was helping a friend as a convention staffer at a large Japanese pop culture convention.

It made me think about the people I know who write dark fic in my own fandoms and who gets attacked and why.  One of my most recent fandoms is Once Upon a Time and I’ve written my fair share of dark fic in that.  In particular my favored ships (Mayor Queen and Snow Queen) both involve characters who have complicated emotional relationships that at various points manifest in ways I would have no trouble describing as abusive but can also be sweet and loving.  Most dark fic I know of in that fandom are written by women and explore complicated psychology even if they also include smut.  These are empowering for the authors and the readers.  As long as they are well tagged so that those who do not wish to read them can avoid them I don’t see a problem with them.  

But I was thinking recently about the way women write these kinds of stories versus the way non-fandom erotica is often written.  I’m often uncomfortable with those non-fandom stories though they would receive the same tags in a fandom archive I feel like they have a different purpose.  More often than not they involve a power fantasy where the authorial voice is in the place of the perpetrator and the male gaze is painfully obvious to the reader (even when the story itself involves female characters).

In thinking about how women and men, queer and straight people write these stories differently I came back a OUaT dark fic that made me feel distinctly uncomfortable.  Regina is out of character to the point where she is basically a self insert for the author.  Emma is a teenager even though the plot of the story has made her so arbitrarily.  In dark fic circles in the fandom everyone I knew read this fic and everyone I’ve ever talked to about this fic came away feeling somewhat weird about it.  The author is a man.  And suddenly I’m finding myself thinking that this fic reads more like something you’d find on Literotica than AO3.

And I’m coming back to what I know about this author (who has said overtly racist things) and how his fics at least when I was familiar with them were tagged fairly sparsely.  The one I’m thinking of is no longer on AO3 and I certainly don’t blame anyone who enjoyed it but it did raise questions in my mind about the straight men, queer folk, and these kinds of fic and who is more likely to be policed out of fandom and who is more likely not to care what anyone thinks of them.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 4X07 - The Snow Queen

Looks like Emma’s facing a real cr-ICE-is in today’s episode!!! XD

As always, the review’s under the cut, so drop on by if you dare! BWHAHAHAH!!

Main Takeaways

Past

A big point in the segment is how Ingrid needs to give up the ribbons in order to get the gloves and urn. Rumple says that with enough emotional attachment, ordinary objects get magical values. When Gerda and Helga protest the exchange, Ingrid points out that the ribbons are a symbol of their love and that their actual love is stronger. The episode frames this as a poor decision, but that’s not a sentiment I agree with. While yes, the ribbons do indeed have a magical value, Ingrid’s right: Their real love is stronger. This is such a big element of other themes in other episodes (Basically EVERYTHING with Rumple dagger and the flashback in “White Out” come to mind), where symbols matter less than the power within and to see the raming reverse itself without any substantive self awareness is a weird choice. Ingrid’s fear of her powers and resolve to be a shut is indeed a problem, but the handling of this red herring solution stands out as an awkward choice. And then it reverses itself again with “we are your fail safe.” The idea of the value of objects over family goes back and forth like a tennis ball during a game of fetch.

And I can’t help but be on Ingrid’s side here. She’s not giving up her sisters. She’s giving up three ribbons so that she can have control over her magic and be able to go out in public with them, rule the kingdom, and just live her life. Their love is still there, but something that’s going to give Ingrid a tangible feeling of safety will be present too. And I feel like Gerda and Helga’s protests are nothing but platitudes.

Let’s also talk about the ending. Gerda, who shows so much love for her sister throughout the segment, grows terrified of her as Ingrid, the only other voice, testifies to her innocence to Helga’s death just before putting her in the urn. Like, had the Duke said something to Gerda either before the scene or during it, the fear would’ve worked better, but as it stands, it’s a weird shift for Gerda that works okay enough, but could’ve been better.

Present

There’s a lot to unpack here about Emma’s conflict. I can’t say that it’s improperly built up. This season and even the last finale have delicately pushed the idea of Emma’s magic still falling short in the face of a lack of a furthering of her education as well as her emotional issues. It’s usually a matter of her underperforming. This though is the first time we’ve ever seen it do the reverse. And I think it’s an interesting thing to explore. Not only is Emma new to magic, but she’s the only person in her family who has it. AND with the presence of a new brother and the Snow Queen manipulating her actions, things can get a little muddied from there. And while it is given a cursory look, there’s no focus to the why of the matter, choosing to try to be about all of these things while not diving into them. I feel horrible for Emma’s situation, so the tone of the episode is captured well and the framing does work perfectly, but the story itself is left kind of flabby.

I don’t do a worst dynamic on these reviews, but if I did, Snow and Emma would be it. Like, Jeez, Snow! Not even gonna hesitate pulling the baby back? Not gonna check on how your kid is feeling because I’m sure to some degree, you’re aware that magic is fueled by emotions? It’s a really shitty moment, but for me, a lot of what sucks about it is that while we’ve received hints about Snow’s apprehension towards Emma learning magic and the fandom has some pretty interesting theories about why Snow is so, we never hear it from the horse’s mouth. For that reason, Snow comes across as really cruel towards Emma for no reason.

On a lighter note in that regard, I used to really hate the outdoors scene with the light pole, finding Snow’s scolding of a terrified Emma to be disgusting, but upon watching it again, given the fact that Snow immediately changes her tone with Emma after scolding her shows very believable remorse. She knows this wasn’t Emma’s fault and that she needs support and love and she knows she failed to give her that. Granted, I’m not a fan of her telling David that the both of them fucked up when David didn’t react negatively to what happened and he even got into the situation to save Emma’s boyfriend (And also played a big role in trying to find her afterwards despite being injured when it really should’ve been the other way around). Like, Snow, that all was totally on you. But as for the initial outburst, I do find that it was handled better in hindsight.

That having been said, while I really dislike Snow’s reaction, I do like the pole scene by itself. It’s never wracking, has some great fast-paced editing, and is sympathetic to most everyone there. It’s as panicked as Emma feels and while I don’t like some of the buildup to that moment, I do like the moment itself and it feels earned enough. There’s a great element of tragedy to the scene too. Emma has tried so hard to overcome her walls and be a part of her family, but because her magic is out of control, she fears that she might not be able to.

As I watch this episode, I’m reminded of why I don’t really care for Robin. I swear I’m not trying to be anti-OQ or anything here, but it does infuriate me that Robin doesn’t even seem to TRY to fall back in love with Marian before getting turned down by Regina the second time. Feelings are valid and I understand that, but the fact of the matter is a person who Robin supposedly cares very much for (Even if the romantic feelings are lessened or gone, Robin would assumedly care about her as a former wife, a person, and the mother of his child) has a frozen heart and is in what is basically a coma and while the only foolproof solution to this lies with him, he’s putting in no effort to even TRY to save her by this point.

And I know what you’re thinking: He does try. At Granny’s, he and Will go over Robin and Marian’s story. And this did have me consider my stance. But the problem is that that’s all he does before just giving up and this isn’t framed as the complicated choice that it is. By all means, Robin, be happy that you love Regina, I’m not telling you not to. But acknowledge the fact that to be with Regina, you’re denying Marian what might be their best chance at saving her. (And the fact that Marian is Zelena of course isn’t a factor here as no one knew that at the time)

Because of all of this, I don’t feel all that sympathetic for his plight and I don’t find my belief that strong for the “code” he was so strongly speaking for in “A Tale of Two Sisters.” I’m with Regina -- that’s completely unfair to her as well as to Marian!

I also find myself a touch frustrated with Ingrid because a lot of the things that she comments on and acts like were her ideas are just random coincidences. I pointed this out, but the results of Emma and Elsa’s investigation haven’t been predetermined, but have resulted from spur-of-the-moment decisions that are usually made by third parties. Ingrid had no idea Emma even still had that video camera, let alone that she would play it and discover her and then investigate the ice cream truck. She had no idea that Belle would clue her into the mirror’s existence or even get that candle. And she had no idea that Emma was dealing with fear from Snow. And at some point OFF SCREEN, Emma apparently tells Ingrid about what happened at the Mommy and Me class or Ingrid brings up that she knows it. That especially irks me here. We see at the end that Ingrid did have a role to play in Emma’s bursts of magic, but because we don’t really see what it was that she did, it’s not effective.

“Sometimes even when you win, you lose.” I’m still annoyed that this is the most we ever got out Will as far as an explanation for his presence. Did Ana die? Did he get caught up in something Lily was doing, since A&E said that his story was related to Mal and Lily’s? At least now that the realms are merged, they can get back together, although their 15-ish years of separation sucks royally. :(

Stream of Consciousness

-Dude! That asshole just fucking KICKED Ingrid! Dude deserves to be BEHEADED!

-I wish the pacing was a smidge slower on this opening. Like, in just a flash, Ingrid discovers her powers, gets called a monster, panics, gets a fast speech, and then wham, things are mostly okay. Like, an additional second so that everyone could process even Ingrid’s powers or the fallen branch really would’ve helped for my money.

-It’s kind of weird how Elsa’s speech to Emma about how her family might look differently at her for her powers, however unintentional, is kind of the tipping point of this arc.

-Ingrid, I don’t want to tell you how to do your evil job, but if Emma hadn’t avoided that icicle, she’d be dead! You already have two dead sisters! A third won’t do you much good!

-Really! All three of them share a room? Granted, it’s a big room, but they’re royals! Not to mention, those beds are fulls at most! You telling me three royals, one of whom is the future queen, wouldn’t have bigger beds?

-Just saying, if I was Elsa, I would’ve followed in my little sister’s footsteps and decked her right in the schnoz.

-”...With your scary face on.” I love how Regina and Henry have that casualness to who they are! It shows how they’re grown!

-Ooh! I see some foreshadowing with Belle saving Killian from the secondary threat (The Shattered Sight Mirror)! Captain Book!

-I love that little flattered gesture Rumple makes when Ingrid calls him the most powerful magic collector in all the land. XD

-The Duke of Weasletown is a fucking creep and Helga is best character for putting him in his place!

-Ummm, I WANT A STORYBROOKE SNOW GLOBE, PLEASE!

-Loving that Rumple smile. Methinks something amazing is coming! XD Or rather, meknows something great is coming! *Rumple giggle*

Favorite Dynamic

Ingrid and Rumple. I love seeing villains interact and in this episode, Ingrid and Rumple do it really well. They act as overseeing deities playing with the chess pieces that they’ve made our heroes into through their manipulations and seeing them talk about circumstances so matter-of-factly is really interesting. I also love how they deal with each other. Watching their deal go through at the end of the episode is like watching a really interesting drug deal go down. Every action from Rumple securing the ribbons to holding onto one of them while waiting for his information to Ingrid whispering what he needs is so engaging! I always love scenes that despite the fact that I know what’s coming, I still get swept up in the action, and that is this episode in spades.

Writer

Adam and Eddy are today’s writers. I feel like this episode really needed more focus in its three main storylines. We’re given hints of character actions and through processes, but none of them ever go all the way. And I genuinely hope that I don’t sound like I’m incapable of putting these pieces together -- I promise you that I do get how these narrative points connect, but my issue is that they’re sometimes not tightly knit enough to support the big character moments and story points that they’re supposed to be able to support.

Rating

7/10. I’ve felt bad with some of these more recent reviews. Sometimes, it’s hard to communicate that despite the problems that I’m pointing out, I am enjoying myself. Like with “Family Business,” this isn’t a bad episode, but it just needs a bit more solidification. There’s a lot of cool ideas to work with here -- an examination of how Emma’s family views Emma’s magic, Robin trying and failing to recapture his love for Marian while in love with Regina, and Emma’s thoughts about her sibling come to mind. But while they dip their toes in that pool, little else is done. 

-----

Thank you all for reading! I think I did a better job here than I did with my “Family Business” review, but let me know if there’s something you want more elaboration on!

Shout out to @watchingfairytales and @daensarah!!!! See you guys next time!

Season 3 Total (49/230)

Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (16/60) Jane Espenson: (10/40) David Goodman and Jerome Schwartz: (10/50) Andrew Chambliss: (14/50) Dana Horgan: (6/30) Kalinda Vazquez: (14/40) Scott Nimerfro: (6/30)

Tags: ouat, once upon a time, watching fairytales, ouat episode code, ouat rewatch, jenna watches ouat, ships mentioned, triggers mentioned

*Links to the rest of my rewatch will no longer be provided. They take posts with links outside of searches and I spend way too much time on these reviews to not give them that kind of exposure. Sorry for the inconvenience, but they still can be found on my page under Operation Rewatch.

[howlandreads]

“When You Play The Game of Thrones, You Win or You Die.”

Though the phrase “Game of Thrones,” is used semi-often in the books, 14 times roughly, it’s only used a handful of times in the show.  I think there’s some foreshadowing behind this decision.  In the books, the phrase is used to refer to the broad relationship between rulers, their people, and those trying to depose them, but in the show, the phrase is used sparsely, and is almost always used to refer to one specific person’s ambitions for the Iron Throne or a Kingship. In the books, the phrase most likely won’t prove true, since thousands of people are considered to be playing the game of thrones, but D&D’s limited use of the phrase in the show allows it to turn into an accurate prediction, since the only people left playing the show’s definition of the game of thrones are Jon, Cersei, Dany, and to some extent, Euron.

Since Euron is clearly a peripheral character, who really has no chance to sit on the Iron Throne or claim a real kingship, this post will focus primarily on Jon, Cersei, and Dany.

I think the season 8 winner of the “Game of Thrones,” will be Jon, as he’s the only one of the three that I view as not having immense foreshadowing for an eventual death.  I’ll start with Cersei, since she has the most death foreshadowing:

The most obvious of all the death foreshadowing for Cersei is clearly the Valonqar prophecy:

“’Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds,“ she said. "And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.’"

- Cersei Lannister VIII, A Feast For Crows

This prophecy pretty much confirms Cersei’s death.  Other evidence for her soon-coming death is that Westeros can’t last much longer while Cersei is alive.  Her paranoia and general governing incompetence can’t be sustained by the realm much longer.  One of the best examples of Cersei’s incompetence is when she tortures the Blue Bard into falsely confessing to having slept with Margaery, and even encourages him to change his story when she’s displeased with his original confession:

"’The truth.’" Wat looked at her with the one blue eye that Qyburn had left him. Blood bubbled through the holes where his front teeth had been. "I might have . . . misremembered.’"

- Cersei Lannister IX, A Feast For Crows

Torturing the Blue Bard into a confession that falsely incriminates Margaery is peak petty and reckless Cersei.  She hardly even considers how destabilizing her actions will be for the realm. Actions like this, combined with her burning of the Tower of the Hand and general disregard for the conditions of her people, mean Cersei can’t survive much longer or else Westeros won’t be able to recover.

Onto the foreshadowing of Dany’s death - the first of which being her House of the Undying prophecy about three betrayals:

“’. . . three treasons will you know . . . once for blood and once for gold and once for love.’”

- Daenerys Targaryen IV, A Clash Of Kings

Though it hasn’t been confirmed, Dany believes the first two betrayals to have happened already – Mirri Maz Duur’s blood magic being the first and Jorah’s spying for gold being the second, which just leaves the third betrayal for love. Since Dany has just one betrayal it seems it can be assumed that it will be the worst, especially since love is widely considered to be one of the most powerful motivating forces.  Martin seems to share this belief, especially when you consider this quote from Maester Aemon:

“’We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy.’”

- Jon Snow VIII, A Game Of Thrones

Since love is such a powerful motivator, this betrayal could easily be severe enough that it leads to Dany’s death.

The next bit of foreshadowing for Dany’s death is this quote from A Dance With Dragons:

“Dragons plant no trees.”

- Daenerys Targaryen X, A Dance With Dragons

This quote clearly implies that Dany has no intentions of maintaining a kingdom, and also seems to imply that she has no intentions of living long passed her youth. This mentality fits with Dany’s ambitions as a conqueror, and how she’s never been able to govern anywhere long-term. Much like Cersei, Dany also shares a general incompetence for ruling, and Westeros wouldn’t last long under her reign, either.

The last bit of foreshadowing I’ll mention for Dany’s death is her increasingly similar character traits to her dead relatives, particularly Aerys and Viserys. Characters are constantly comparing Dany to her father, and the similarities are only growing stronger as her tendency to burn people alive grows more apparent.  Her burning of the Tarlys in particular parallels Aerys, since it was the burning of a father and son.  

Dany’s parallels to Viserys also point to her eventually meeting an end similar to his. Though Dany is nowhere near as despicable as Viserys was, she has still done some troubling things that are reminiscent of him.  The first of which is her adopting of the concept of waking the dragon.  Throughout the first book, Viserys constantly uses this phrase to justify his abuse of Dany and others:

“Her brother hurt her sometimes, when she woke the dragon.”

- Daenerys Targaryen I, A Game Of Thrones

"’You woke the dragon," he screamed as he kicked her. "You woke the dragon, you woke the dragon.’"

- Daenerys Targaryen II, A Game Of Thrones

By the time Daenerys has reached A Dance With Dragons, she has adopted the phrase and no longer views it negatively:

“Daenerys pushed her hair back. "Find these cowards for me. Find them, so that I might teach the Harpy's Sons what it means to wake the dragon.’"

- Daenerys Targaryen I, A Dance With Dragons

Clearly Dany is embracing the cruelty of her brother, and is surrendering to her darker impulses.  

I think Dany becoming a Mad Queen similar to Aerys and Viserys was all foreshadowed at the end of A Game of Thrones during her dreams when she seems to be being chased by a dragon:

“Suddenly the stars were gone, and across the blue sky swept the great wings, and the world took flame.”

- Daenerys Targaryen IX, A Game Of Thrones

I view this as symbolism of Dany’s Targaryen madness slowly pursuing her and eventually over taking her.  Since Aerys and Viserys were killed by those who were tired of their privileged attitudes, madness, and tyranny, as Dany grows more and more similar to them, she will suffer a similar fate.

Onto the last of the contenders in the game of thrones – Jon.  Though there are loads of theories that involve Jon dying in the end, I just don’t see it happening.  Jon is the most capable leader of the three, and since he’s already died once, another death would be incredibly anti-climactic.  

Though GRRM usually avoids tropes, I think he’s intentionally used Jon as a way to deconstruct the “Savior Trope”.  I believe Jon will end up being Azor Ahai, but since he’s a complicated and at times morally grey character, he isn’t just a run of the mill fantasy protagonist. Jon also won’t fit the typical “Savior Trope” mold since he won’t be the only character that plays an important role in bringing Westeros to peace.  GRRM has been sure that characters like Bran and others will be incredibly important to the story’s end game, so no one character will be a savior.

Since GRRM has gone to so much trouble to use Jon to deconstruct the “Savior Trope”, I don’t think he’d see it as predictable or unrealistic for Jon to either end up on the Iron Throne or King in the North.

Out of Jon, Cersei, and Dany, Jon is the only capable leader and deserves to win the Game of Thrones.

[queen-asante]

ejucated immigrant

((AUTHOR’S NOTE: @eene-fangirl For the Fanfiction Weekend Challenge! I should probably wait to post this for Rolf Appreciation Month, but there’s a lot of Jonny backstory/headcanons in here, so I thought it would count. Basically, it’s a poem from Rolf’s POV but it’s technically about Jonny, or rather, Jonny was my muse for this.

I haven’t written a poem in Rolf’s ‘’voice’’ since 2014 but believe it or not, that one little line that Edd says in ‘’A Case of Ed’’ inspired the poem (you know, the one), and as I was reading Ntozake Shange’s for colored girls who have considered suicide/ when the rainbow is enuf, it produced said result. A turnip for your thoughts? I don’t normally write Rolf like this, it’s actually more like Rolf emulating Ntozake Shange for those familiar with her style. As an Indian Immigrant girl who’s considered suicide, that book changed my life, she’s my idol. Hence, the poem is written in ebonics and all lower case to pay homage to Shange (and I consciously dropped third person redundancies, it wasn’t a mistake). Three non-EEnE characters are briefly mentioned: the first one is Vanessa, my friend who’s half African-American and half Haitian. The second one is Ice, who belongs to my friend, Dani. Ice, in her world, is a black and white cat who becomes Double D’s pet. Rolf fears him because he’s not only black and white, but he shares the name of Immigration and Customs Enforcement by pure coincidence. Dani didn’t plan this, as she created Ice before she met me but she liked the idea of giving Rolf a reason to fear the cat, and so we came up with that story together. The third one is Dr. Feelgood who was my therapist, it’s not her real name, it was an affectionate nickname I coined for her in my years battling Bipolar Disorder Type 3.

As a closing thought, much apologies for the length, also tumblr’s going to mess up the format.))

‘’ejucated immigrant’’

dear gods,

i be 14 wit skin as rough as treebark & hands dat look old

i waz the dark skined immigrant wanting to bathe in bleach

Brown Black / Blue Black / Amber Beige / Bister Brick Bronze / Chestnut Chocolate Cinnamin

Copper / Drab / Dust / Ginger / Fawn / Ochre / Coffe Colourd Caramel

Tawny / Terra-Cotta / Henna / Sepia / Umbre

lookin in the thesurus eddward wit two ds give me when i come to dis country

everything spell Brown but nothing spell White

White sound nice like pearl like snow like milk like golden skined white skined light skined

honey dipped / lemon kissed / but begging for ivory / fair frosted silvery ashen boy jimmy

your white hands on my brown skin

i waz the dark skined immigrant botherin to drag you round

you stand there like a closed mouth statue & you insult my way of life

think you know everythin / rolf just some ignorant third world peasant or somethin

but we be livin dis way longer than the foundin of your land

your country young my country old

numbers & poppy / it just to give you illegitimately born breeds of donkeys

somethin to hee-haw over / science say there no gods either but who know dat

you cannot contain lightning bugs in a jar

i waz the dark skined immigrant dreamin of shakin the mr presidents hand

the former mr president wit eyes like a tired old man & Brown his Brown like a mud bath

it really too bad you know / rolf like your former president

dat black man who dont check dixtionaries for validation of his blackness

he not so bad / he waz sympathetic to the plight of the immigrant but his hands tied

not blame him / he not god he not have all the power in the world to fix dis weather

dis cloud dat hang over your land & who the hell is perfect?

it really such a shame / i dream to see the Hill / see the pearly house painted white the place where he live meet him shake his large brown hand / one brown hand to another

cept i not black / rolf not have to be / not pass / rolf european he is white not bloodless

he not pass he not be white enough for your country

cept i be white on the inside look coloured on the out but i aint no coloured

under my skin i am more than a colour

whoever herd of white passing for person of colour

but suddenly i get to dis country & i be treated no different than jonny

so alls i got is coloured dreams

poor grate nano lived & died on silly dreams / well they not exist

there be only reality & reality not kind to the dark skined indigenous immigrant

no one know what i supposed to be / take a wild guess

indian pakistani mexican romani rolf herd it all & none suppose right

they only looking at my face / the outside the outside not matter

cuz i waz the dark skined immigrant not italian not irish but the other kinds

& no one will see unless rolf cut open his veins & bleed

a Wood Nymph have my colour & if i check off the box dat say caucasian i get a funny look

from the lady sittin behind the counter wit the yellow nail polish & beaded eyeglass

spose if jonny do the same they wont believe him neither

jonny be good

yous see him dancin / wearin his stomach out / dark skined bare feet / swayin his hips

& grate thin arms but he not care dat he gots splinters in his fingertips

his nails turnin all black & blue & those chapped lips look like eyes starin out atchu

the gods make dis child the way he is

wit skinted knees & all & elbows pointed outwards readin you like a map

always wit the label on the left side

but he bootiful & he know it / beauty sometime come in the empty coffee can

not in the paper lillies or plastic pearls

you cant make a silk purse from a sows ear / even if dat ear be made of wood

of wood widda crayon drawn smile

jonnys mother the madwoman in the attic

rolf be certain jonny the wood boy some kind of elf from the passage of Valhöll

the mother of the Tree Sprite she not like rolf / well she not like any child it seems

weepy jimmy-boy & rolf invited to jonny-boys abode for a meeting of the Urban Rangers

& tho his mother never says so we feel she not like us very well

she never ast us to stay for lunch

even tho rolf personally would not eat a morsel of what these people eat

& we always been so polite to her but still she build walls

rolf believe she jealous of us becuz jonny likes us

she come out to the parlour / barefoot / flowers in her wild tangled mess of black raven hair

like yoko ono & wearing a long paisley skirt / she bootiful in an earthy sort of way

but she has a wild look in her eyes like a tigress

a violently insane expression like a german vampire dat make rolf think of bertha mason

she looms over her son like a dark older sister becuz they look so alike

altho her skin much darker / a deep chocolate brown / her complexion remind rolf of vanessa maybe she is haitian / she like the demon in nanas stories the one we all have widdin us

who comes out when we try too hard to be good children

she look at white as snow jimmy & myself like she disprove

either she not like us the uniforms or both

rolf forget tho these hippies wit their anti-establishment

they think every uniform represents what jonny calls ‘’the Man’’ & dats what it is rolf think

she not want jonny in the organisation

becuz she think it goes against their opposition to social norms

rolf could tell she wanted to ast us to leave / she not like jonny spending so much time wit us

becuz then he not at home meditating wit her or whatever it is they do

jonnys family is strange / they not eat meat & walk around shoeless

rolf has been called a gypsy by the children at school but flower child jonny seem to rolf more of a gypsy if there ever waz such a thing

he is almost ethereal / his family must be from a clan of faeries the kind nana warns rolf about but brown-skinned jonny seem harmless enough

i watch his mama put a daisy in the pocket of his jeans

i not know if his daddy be white or black but what difference does dat make

rolf understand it is important for a child to love their family no matter their faults

i know The Giving Tree still love his mother

even if she would prefer him to leave the Urban Rangers

of us three jimmy be the whitest of white jonny the blackest of black & i somewhere in between

but any one of us can walk into a puerto rican bar & start speakin spanish

& no one would know what we are

race too complicated & people too narrow minded / want everything boxed in

one day we waz layin on dat grassy knoll / jonny & i

where the trees whisper to us & we whisper back

cuz you know the boy talk to trees & i listen to his voice / & i be lookin at our hands you see

cuz we waz layin inches apart a flower between us & i tuck it behind his ear

then i look & see my skin only one shade lighter than his

tho the sun make me browner than i really be

out in the sun for hours & hours plowing & plowing the fields

by sundown i roasted coffee bean brown / as black as the inside of a chimney

& if i stumble into town any passing stranger would think i waz Black i mean African

id have to stay out of the sun for days to get my old colour black lest i wander round wit only the whites of my eyes visible on my sun burnt dyed rust brown brown skin

& hair so course youd suppose it come off a horses ass

lookin more like an American Indian than a White

i holdin the back of my hand up to jonnys now

how bout dat two brown hands one dark & one light but whos to say i not be a dark white & he not a light skined brown

dont you dare tell me what i am & am not

bitch dis aint no south africa where yous all can reassign us based on what you think

i aint no sandra laing but sometime i wouldnt mind bein black if it meant for you to leave me be

in fact ill gladly be whatever you want me to be but i am what i am

not black enough for black not white enough for white so what am i?

dont box me into Black & White / cuz in dis world brother dat not exist

im sorry as hell but i gettin real tired of bein called

an illegal / an alien / a wop / a gypsy / a guinea / a brownie whatever you want to call us

all your bigoted slurs clumping us together like we one & the same

dat fine but papers or no papers not define who i am

so uncle sam can take it & shove it

welcome to america!

i be having a long love affair wit your country & people

i also be having a war wit em

mama told me there are limits for dark skined immigrants stuck in dis light skined first world

we come over the border wit all the rest of them

wit all them people from central & south america

wit all them refugees from africa & asia

guess what we blend right in we look no different

look just like any other brown faced ‘’illegal alien’’

border patrol take one look at us & think we just like the rest

cuz yesterdays europeans are todays mexicans & middle easterners

coloured Sons of Shepherds gots few chances

what it like to be bilingual / to speak in two tounge

ah but to be fluent in one & not the other tryin to find any definishun in the dixtionary

in which i drop third person redunduncies cuz i only one person not three

& i only speak two language

you speak spanish?

no habla inglés

you speak english?

i dont speak spanish

one day the hat & head as one edd boy say oh rolf! youre so unejucated!

i think my ears deseeve me but i know what i herd

i wish to strike his milk honey cheeks full of nonsense

& say to him i am the ejucated immigrant you be warned about

dont talk to me bout ejucashun

i sale cross the oshun

i wash up on your shore

i lern another language

it wasnt easy

what you know bout ejucashun

all you know come from books & theories

at least i know where i stand

you are a child & i am old old old my hands notted thick wit veins like the roots of a tree

you say i sound angry / yea i angry but not as angry as you

cuz there nothing they fear more than a minority who knows what up

i used to be fraid but not no more

i used to fear the plainclothes agents in Black & White uniform

of immigration & customes enforecement / of ICE police

of eddwards Black & White cat name Ice on ICE

he must be making fool out of me to call a domesticated beast after homeland security

a cat in uniform because the gods make him so not by choice

like there be some purpose to it / i waz the dark skined immigrant you made fun of

i see what they do to the undocumented immigrant on the telly  

but now i not be fraid / becuz you cant touch me

so the grapefruit widda red ugly mouth & bleached hair sit in office now

damming all them people from ‘’shithole countries’’ / just as well but we here to stay

it not what i ast for but no use fighting it

& i will gladly pull the bookmarks from my english dixtionary

the one double d edd boy give me

no longer will i bathe in bleach / only use to washing dishes & floors

i not some bloody floor

‘’immigrant’’

at least i can spell dat  / i look it up in the dixtionary

websters dixtionary / who the hell is webster?

but now it marked up used copy wit yellow post it notes

i use it a lot to lern your tounge

i not smart but i sho as hell not unejucated / papa can tell me dat

i be in your country in first place to reseeve ‘’best ejucashun’’ like grate nano wanted

grate nano waz an adventurer / a dreamer wit big goals

he travell far & wide seeking fame & fortune

when he a very young boy immigrants from every cesspool in western & eastern europe set sale for The North / it waz always grate nanos dream to travel North

everyone say he more insane than a bovine wit mad cows disease

there no room in dis life for dreams they tell him / he prove our village wrong

when rolf eight years of age grate nano briefly left the Old Country to set sale for america

everyone say he be too old / he never too old for dreams

he wanted to find dat American Dream he hear so often about

spoken wit fondness by the tinkers who visit our land

he returned from his valiant voyage wit stories about what he seen

in the North  he said everyone has cars & money & television & running water

no one listen / The North the North they say dat is all you ever talk about

he waz a man who dreamed of a new life for his family & so he decided to send for us

& make a better life for ourselves after the plagues of the land had haunted our family for years grate nano promised us america he said youll soon be eating apple pie from off a china plate white picket fence / coca cola / santa clause / marilyn monroe / empire state building

it sound like a fairytale he spun a legend dat the streets waz paved wit gold

& we believed him for shining in grate nanos eye waz a dream & so here we are

rest his soul he wanted so much to buy us light & sun & clean wind of the oshun

‘’immigrant’’ waz a new word for rolf when he first come here

did not know after hearing the stories from grate nano dat he would soon be one himself

rolf not know what dat mean & still really dont

the dixtionary definishun say \ ˈi-mə-grənt \ noun. a person who comes to a country to take up permanent residence

\ ˈi-mə-ˌgrāt \ verb. [to go or remove into; in, into, and migrate, to remove.]

to come into a new country, region, or environment in order to settle there: opposed to emigrate.

oh sorry dat definishun not say we unclean people / flea invested vermin

sickly serpents who not speak english / greaser / sheenie

contagions of american society / incredibly dirty tramps fresh off the boat

so pervasive / such nonwhite filth / staring back at pitch black faces

not blonde haired & blue eyed / nonwhite skin only fit for dirt & waste work

mama papa kiss me goodbye i going to haiti

but it is what rolf is now it part of his identity just as much as the colour of his skin

just as much as bein a pagan / just as much as bein a male

just as much as bein the Son of a Shepherd

now rolf a new man living in the New World

i am an immigrant

sometime i wish i waz shug avery / bootiful fictional dark skin harlem singer

half man half woman / wit my large glittering masculine thighs i make an animal of men

maybe i have the courtesan complex

so i ast dr feelgood what my diag-nonsense

& she say poor soul you suffer from Stressed Shepherd Syndrome

okay so we all crazy in one way or another / it alright for some

of a mannequin in tears / of personal prejudices

im an unejucated farm boy from No Mans Land

im a poet who write in english

neisatnaf i isatnaf ne / ttim tetrejh dem gnyalp re lesgnel og gem tolrof nuh

rettenremmos i sirb ne mos rav ed / gem etlatrof nuh dro retsem nadrovh

etted tal eddejks rofrovh? / enneh lit gem trekided gej og enneh teksnø etrejh ttim

senneh enenyoø ås gej etted tla eddejks rofrovh

& this is for Sons of Shepherds who have considered suicide

fin

[litlifelover]

CHRISTMAS SHOPPER - A Gadge Drabble

For this year’s Secret Santa exchange I wrote a couple drabbles (3 parts per pairing) for my wonderful Santee, @thelettersfromnoone, and decided to repost them here on my blog.

This second one is Gadge.

I wish everyone  Happy Holidays and Good Luck for 2018!

Best, Lit

Read on AO3

Chicken pox sucks , Madge thinks as she steps into the huge sports goods store instead of one of the fashionable boutiques. The entrance even reminds her a little of Macy's, where she normally would be right now. At least there's a huge Christmas Tree, decorated in gold and white.

She checks the sheet full of instructions again and turns to her right. Even before she left she decided to start with something remotely familiar.

So, first stop: sports shoes.

Ten minutes later she wants to rip that stupid sheet apart. Who would have thought sports shoes could be this complicated? Why isn't there just one shoe for everything? No. You've got shoes to play basketball, to run, to bike, to golf, to climb, to play tennis. There were even separate shoes for walking. Walking!

She misses her high heels. She's fabulous when it comes to those.

But a job is a job, so after some grumbling Madge dives in head first.

Halfway through the morning she's way behind schedule, which is a first for her. In all her years she's now working for Kringle Enterprises, she never was behind schedule.

Chicken pox sucks so much , she whines in her head, but at the same time steps up to one of the employees. It's time for some charm speak, a fantastic invention from the Christmas Magic Department to ensure that Santa and his helper don't get into trouble on their trips and people forget about the encounters afterwards.

"Excuse me, Ginger," she addresses the blonde woman folding and sorting shirts at a nearby table. "Would you be so kind and get Mr. Hawthorne for me?"

"Of course, Miss Undersee," the girl replies without hesitation and hurries away to get the owner of the store.

When Katniss gave her the list the previous night she warned her. "Gale Hawthorne is the one you'll need to ask for help. There's no one near as capable as him. But be careful, charm speak doesn't work on him. I have no idea why." After that she continued putting anti-itching-tincture on the spots all over her body. Those awful Chicken pox came really at the worst possible time.

"Miss Undersee?" a deep voice interrupts her thoughts, and as she turns around she can't help the slight blush that rises in her cheeks. Fantastic, Madge thinks, Katniss didn't tell me he looks like a Greek God. A brooding, slightly dark one, but a god nonetheless.

She shakes herself out of her inappropriate musings and offers her hand. Although Katniss warned her, Madge tries to use charm. "A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hawthorne."  

Instead of his features softening, his brows knit together more tightly. He totally ignores her outstretched hand.

"Where's Katniss?"

Okay, she should have listened. Charm speak isn't working, and although she knows it's impossible, it somehow feels like he knows what she was trying to do. But nevermind, she can achieve her goals the old fashioned way as well.

"Chicken pox," she replies. "The Department sent me this year. I'm normally in Beauty & Fashion."

"I figured," he murmurs under his breath, but Madge hears it clearly. And it pisses her off.

Because she's an exceptional shopper. She won the "Northstar Award" for Best Shopper of the Season four years in a row (a first in the history of the Northpole). Madge Undersee was born to be a Christmas Shopper. And not even a grumpy, rude, sexy (No! Wait! Where's this coming from?!) store owner would change that.

"Listen, Mr. Hawthorne," she therefore answers politely, but also confidently, "she gave me the list, I checked it twice, I found out who's been naughty and nice. And now I'm gonna shop here, and I would appreciate your help. So, let's start with …" she grabs the list from her purse, concentrates so hard on the paper she misses the smirk playing around his lips, and reads out the next bullet point, "… golf clubs."

xXx

The following year Mr. Kringle asks Madge to take Sports & Outdoors again. Katniss' due date is three weeks before Christmas, and Santa just doesn't want to risk his favorite chocolate chip cookies burning because his head baker is constantly worried about his wife.

"But … Beauty & Fashion-"

"Trust me, my dear," Santa interrupted. "Cashmere did a wonderful job last year, as did you in Sports & Outdoors. It would help me a lot." He smiled at her, his cheeks round and red, his beard white as snow, and held out a candy cane for her.

So, of course she said yes. There's probably not a single person who has ever said no to something Santa Claus asked them. Which also resulted in her standing in front of Hawthorne's Sporting Goods again, in her purse yet another list, courtesy of Katniss.

Taking a last deep breath Madge steps into the shop. This year the tree is blue and silver. Just like the year before she turns right again. Good thing this year she's prepared for what awaits her.

Or at least she thought she was prepared, because when she turns a corner she's surprised to find Gale Hawthorne casually leaning against a rack full of snow hats and beanies.

"You're late," he greets her, half a smirk around his lips.

Although they didn't have the best of starts the previous year, in the end they worked pretty good as a team. Gale knew all about the functions and extras of the things, while Madge watched out for the fashionable side. The after-season statistics even showed that Sports & Outdoors surpassed expectations last year.

It earned her Award No. 5, not to brag.

"I'm five minutes early," Madge deadpans, one eyebrow raised.

Gale ignores her sass. "Katniss is sick again?"

"She's on office duty this year. Her due date is in three weeks." She ruffles through her bag, just to annoy him a little. Because she knows that he knows that the list she's searching for is only one hand movement away.

"As delightful as it is to watch you trying to annoy me with your unnecessary list search, I actually have other things to do, too. So if you want to be difficult I'll get Claudius for you and he can help you the rest of the day."

"Promises, promises," she singsongs, but fishes out the list at the same time. "Don't get your panties all twisted up."

He actually snorts in amusement at that, and she hurries past him so he doesn't see the small smile around her lips. When she's honest with herself, she enjoys their banter far too much.

"What's first?" he asks and falls in step beside her.

She checks the list. "Ski underwear."

Gale nods, and Madge nearly gasps when she feels one of his hands on her lower back, guiding her in the right direction.

"Whose panties are all twisted up now," he chuckles. She glares back, but decides to simply ignore his comment for the time being.

For the rest of the morning they work on the list. They go from Ski underwear to Climbing gear, over to Basketball baskets and Walking poles. By noon Madge puts the list down and declares she'll grab some food before she continues with any shopping.

"Would you like to go to lunch?" Gale asks, the smirk back around his lips.

Madge rolls her eyes. "Isn't that what I just said?" She wraps her scarf around her neck and hoists her purse on her shoulder.

He shakes his head, amusement clearly noticeable in his voice. "Actually, I was asking if you want to grab lunch. With me."

For a split second she stops in her movements, but quickly resumes putting on her gloves as if nothing had happened. She's thankful her back is turned to him so he can't see the blush rising on her cheeks, nor the smile breaking out on her face without her consent. She shouldn't be this delighted about the question. Least of that it's asked by him.

But she is.

"Well, okay?" she therefore agrees, not sure what to make of all of this.

Gale steps up to her, his hand again on the small of her back. This time it doesn't catch her by surprise. "You like Thai food?"

Madge turns her head and looks at him. "I love Thai."

This time she makes sure he sees her smile.

xXx

By the next year Madge has accepted that she's no longer the Beauty & Fashion girl, but actually has taken over Sports & Outdoors. Katniss' daughter Remy is cute as a button; a happy, lively baby. She's such a whirlwind that Katniss decided to cut back on her hours significantly, which also resulted in her being constantly on office duty. Therefore Madge is now chief shopper in Katniss' former domain.

As she enters the store the third year in a row, Madge can't help the butterflies in her stomach swirling like mad. It's cold enough outside to explain her red cheeks away, but it doesn't help her with the smile she feels her lips forming. Damn it, she thinks, he's going to be obnoxious about it.

"Aw, Princess. I knew you would miss me," his voice rings in her ears, slightly mocking with a lot of amusement mixed in.

"If I ask one of your employees how long you've been standing here waiting, who's gonna be the embarrassed one then?" Madge counters while she turns around to look at him.

Gale actually laughs out loud, she hasn't heard that before. It's surprising how much it suits his normal broodiness. Although, she has to admit, the broodiness only made an appearance in her first year working with him, and was nearly nonexistent last year.

He hasn't changed at all, except for the playful glint in his eyes. Together with some other emotion, which she somehow can't put her finger on. Acceptance, maybe?

They start on the list, just like the years before. By now they already know how the other works, often not even needing words anymore to understand what the other means. The surprise on the employees' faces watching them interact goes unnoticed by them.

Morning turns into noon, and noon into evening.

"I'm starving," Madge announces at some point, two different pairs of ski socks dangling from her hands.

"We should check in the back if something's left in the kitchen," Gale suggests, at the same time pulling the socks from her fingers and throwing them back on the counter.

Madge doesn't protest. They were so engrossed in their work they missed lunch, and she gets grumpy when she's hungry. He guides her to the door with the sign "Employees Only" on it. The hand on her lower back doesn't take her by surprise anymore, instead a warm feeling rushes through her. She likes how it makes her toes curl, just like the cinnamon cringles Peeta makes back at Northpole.

After a couple turns they arrive at a surprisingly homey kitchen. Lots of seats available, with cushions and blankets. Is that a fireplace in the corner? How on earth did he get the permission for that?

"We have leftover pizza, a beefsteak sandwich or yogurt," Gale explains, which makes her turn away from the fireplace. He leans halfway into the fridge and Madge simply can't help it. Seriously, she's only human (well, half-human half-elf, but who's asking) and his ass looks delicious in those jeans. She bites her lip to keep the moan from slipping out.

"Madge?" he turns around abruptly, and she knows she hasn't averted her eyes fast enough. If she weren't sure, the wink he gives her is proof enough. He leans casually with one arm on top of the fridge door, and Santa help her, but she's certain he knows how this accentuates his broad shoulders and lean hips. "Like what you see?"

"You know, my dad actually wears the same brand," she tries to deflect, her treacherous cheeks burning. "Didn't know you were into old man pants."

Gale chuckles and steps in her direction, the fridge door closing automatically behind him. Madge silently gasps. She stares nervously, watches his movements until he comes to a stop directly in front of her. Averting her eyes isn't even a possibility. Kinda like breathing.

For a couple moments they just stand and stare at each other.

And then he actually smiles.

"Now, look at that," he murmurs, and when Madge raises one eyebrow in question, he simply points with a finger to the ceiling.

And there it hangs. That cursed mistletoe. Her elf-blood doesn't allow her to step away now. Not that she actually wants to step away … unfortunately. There's no longer any denying it, she has to admit that she's insanely attracted to Gale Hawthorne, bane of her existence. But if this is just some kind of joke to him-

"It's tradition, Madge," he interrupts her thoughts yet again, and the smile somehow turns into a shy frown.

If later asked they can't say who leaned in first. One second they’re looking at each other and the next she feels herself pinned against the wall behind her, his face cradled in her hands while he holds on to her hips.

They kiss each other breathless, a constant give and take with neither of them surrendering. Lust crashes over them like a wave, paired with want, and heat, and need. She feels like she’s on fire, his scruff tickles the skin of her face and she buries her hands into the short hair at the back of his head; presses her body tighter to his. It makes him moan into her mouth and with a swift motion her legs are suddenly around his waist and his hands are holding on to the back of her thighs. She wraps her arms around his neck to hold on better.

He tastes like butterscotch, runs through her head at some point, but the swirl of his tongue makes her toes curl and the thought vanishes as fast as it came.

When the heat of the moment slowly morphs into softer caresses they pause and take a deep breath. He takes a small step back, her feet slip back to the floor, her arms fall from around his neck; her eyes still closed. She holds on to his shoulders, while he brushes some stubborn strands of hair behind her ears. Her fingers curl into the fabric of his flannel shirt.

Another of his chuckles interrupts the silence and her eyes shoot open. But she doesn't see any malice in his features. Instead she's finally able to pinpoint the other emotion glinting in his yes. The one she wasn't able to recognize before: Tenderness.

"I still can't believe you tried to use charm speak on me the first year."

Madge gasps. Did she just hear correctly? "What … why … how do you know about charm speak?" Thank Santa there's a wall behind her, or she might've stumbled down out of surprise.

Gale laughs out loud again, the sound still foreign, but already so dear to her. "You still haven't figured it out?"

Madge raises a single eyebrow and deadpans, "Would I have asked then?"

He wraps his arms around her and presses a kiss underneath her ear. His breath brushes over the sensitive skin of her neck, makes her shiver in excitement. "Madge, I once was one of Santa's Christmas shoppers myself," he whispers.

Before she can think of a good reply, Gale is kissing her again.

Well, Madge muses, maybe Sports & Outdoors was exactly what I needed after all.

And then her brain shuts up. All sensible thoughts have vanished, and there's only one thing left to do for her. Return his kiss.

FIN

[annieintheaair]

Love & Valentine’s Day

The last time it really snowed in Texas, that I remember, was in 2015 when I was in flight attendant training. I was scheduled to do a work flight that weekend and the snow came down instead, canceling flights, and keeping us indoors.

Everyone I talked to told me that in Texas, when it snows, you just stay home. Being from the northeast, that just seemed weird to me because life carries on when it snows.

I don’t know if someday I’ll wake up and re-download dating apps or miraculously meet someone while out and about but for the time being, I’m focusing on myself and doing my best to find new hobbies and make new friends.

Since it has been cold and snowy, I’ve been binge watching Firefly Lane on Netflix this weekend and I was watching an episode today where after Tully gets married, she flips out on her husband and makes him leave. He doesn’t want to leave at first but she screams at him that he has to go and as soon as he gives in and does, she falls to the floor in regret.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever asked someone to leave but deep down, you were testing them to see if they’d choose to stay anyway? This scene brought me flashbacks to November. I remember flipping out on James and telling him to leave. I thought he would go and I ended up falling asleep that night, only to wake up in the morning and find that he hadn’t left. At that point, I felt like I couldn’t change my mind. He packed up his things and in a more calm way (but not without tears) that morning, we said goodbye.

Without going into detail, we did patch things up a few days later but looking back, I think that was our breaking point. I should have been glad that he stayed that night on my couch and in the morning, I should have apologized and told him to stay. I think sometimes we just can’t let go of our pride.

In Firefly Lane, Tully finally gets up the courage to apologize but at that point, Max has decided that he wants a divorce. She tells him anyway that she wants a fresh start and if he wants one too, she will be at the spot in the park where they got married, the following day. Max basically explains to her that she wasn’t there when he needed her to be and that she wouldn’t talk when he wanted to talk with her. He doesn’t show up the next day and she’s heartbroken.

This story line tugged at my heartstrings really badly. I’ve been the girl crying on the floor and later trying to apologize and fix things to only be turned down. I’ve felt that pain of feeling like it was all my fault and feeling rejected and like there was nothing that I could do or say to fix everything.

It has been almost two months now since it ended and it was two months yesterday since I last saw him. My heart still hurts. I keep wishing he would show up and we’d figure it out. There are so many days that go by that I keep wishing we could have a fresh start. I feel like Tully, standing at the park, waiting for him.

The thing is, you can’t make yourself important to anyone. They have to choose you, each and every day. They have to want it as badly as you do and they have to be willing to work things out. I’ve learned that love isn’t easy. Love doesn’t mean that everything goes smoothly all of the time but that you work through things. Just like Tully realized, sometimes it’s better to hold on and keep pushing to work things out instead of running away but you both need to run in the same direction together.

I think about Valentine’s Day last year. The pandemic hadn’t really started yet, life was normal, and I went to Phoenix for work where I went on a first date with Kris, who I had met on Match.com. It was a great first date but for many reasons, it didn’t go anywhere beyond that day really. We became friends and that was about it.

A lot has happened in the last year. To think that after that day, I proceeded to go on more dates and have my heart broken twice, it’s no wonder that I’m feeling down about love and not at all interested in getting back out there to meet someone new.

I remember a couple of years ago after having been taking anti-depressants for a while, my therapist told me that she felt like maybe my dosage was too high. At the time, I thought that she was just saying that because she was afraid that I’d stop seeing her every week if I felt so numb that I didn’t need her help. There have been days, like in early January, when I felt like my dosage wasn’t high enough but lately, I feel like maybe she was right and maybe it really is too high.

I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to really put my feelings into words and the more I try to tell myself that I’m ok, the less I really believe it. Have I become so good at convincing everyone else that I can no longer convince myself? Am I ok or am I not ok? Has my medication made me too numb?

These days, I feel like I’ve run out of words, which is weird for me. It’s like deep down, I have so much to say, but the words don’t come out. I feel like I’m no longer heard so it’s no use to even try to get the words out.

With only a few weeks left until I return to work and my old life, I’ve decided to refocus all of my efforts. Instead of getting back on Bumble for dating, I’ve pursued new friendships. It’s incredible to me the new people that God has brought into my life. These new friends that I clicked with immediately have made me wonder where they’ve been my whole life and have filled me with excitement for what’s to come. I feel like we’re all going through similar things and while some people I’ve talked to are in relationships or married, those I’ve met in person so far are living the single life. At 31, it feels so good to finally have some single girl friends.

I’ve also been going to the gym frequently and trying new exercise classes, as well as cooking healthier meals at home to get myself back on track. I’ve been going back out for walks with my dogs (not 10 mile walks like I did in the spring but every bit helps!). All of this has made me realize that I think James and I made a huge mistake.

While I don’t think our relationship was a mistake, I think it was complicated because we jumped into it so fast and began spending nearly every minute of everyday together. I forgot about my own life and stopped trying to make new friends. Even when I was in Wyoming in December, I had plans to meet up with a girl from Bumble BFF but then didn’t for many reasons but mainly because I didn’t want to tell James that I wanted to go out without him when I was there visiting him.

Being with James had me giving up on my own life. I guess I lost my sense of self in our relationship. I stopped going out for walks or bike rides unless he wanted to go with me. I had even made friends with a girl named Emma but stopped hanging out with her because I always chose James over her. At the time, I thought that was a good choice but looking back, I realize that we probably needed to maintain our own lives in order to have a strong and stable life together.

I always hated the girls who gave up on their friends when they were in relationships and there I was, that girl, and I didn’t even realize it. Where did Annie go?

I know that James looks at my Instagram stories and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. Does he wonder where the girl he dated disappeared to since we broke up? Does he miss the old Annie or does he wish he was with the new Annie?

The other day I rushed to the hair salon because I swore I saw some white strands in my hair. White, yes, white, not grey. I’m pretty sure it was caused by stress and even though my mom tried to suggest that maybe it was a white blonde, I was still in a panic. I thought the girl would do my base color as blonde but something clearly went wrong and left my hair with a reddish tint. At home, I told myself that red (or anything) was better than white and maybe I just need to embrace this new version of myself. I never would have gone and asked for her to dye my hair red but maybe red is just the change that I needed. Maybe red is the beginning of the new Annie.

I’m tossing this back and forth-- am I the new Annie or the old Annie, before James and all of the heartbreak? Maybe I’m a mixture of both. I’m reclaiming parts of my old life before James but I’m also embracing this new version of myself.

Being alone has given me more time back since I’ve been working my part-time job right now and not flying. When I’m out and about, I don’t feel like I need to rush home to James because he’s not there but I stay out around town and I get things done. I love spending my evenings (and some mornings) at exercise classes, bible study, and serving with the students at church. I’m enjoying making dinner plans with new friends and even had brunch today (on Valentine’s Day) with a new friend.

All of these new things in my life are great but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss James. Sometimes I feel like I wish we could have that do-over, just like Tully talked about on Firefly Lane. I wish we could meet up in person and talk about all of this and realize these things together. I wish we could start over and maintain our own lives but be together and go to sleep and wake up together everyday. I wish we could hold onto what worked and fix what didn’t work.

I feel like there is no end to missing him. I feel like I constantly put on this fa��ade that everything is great but deep down, I’m still hurting. If you’d seen what my house looks like these days, you’d understand. I’ve always been the person who tries to keep my house tidy and I even “chop” the pillows on my couch and make my bed everyday. Lately, I don’t do any of those things. My kitchen seems to be an endless mess, my pillows don’t look nice, there’s papers on my kitchen table, my bed isn’t made, and I haven’t even put my suitcase away from my recent travels. The laundry is piling up, once again.

When does this end? Will there come a day when I stop missing him? If I’m not looking to meet someone new right now, how will I move on?

Maybe tomorrow (as I tell myself everyday), I’ll clean my house and get my life back together. Aside from my house, the goal these days has been to get myself back in shape and lose some weight (that I gained while we were dating). It’s not even that I want to look like I did when I met James but I want to look better than that and even better than when I was spending time with Ryan.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to focus on myself right now and even if we never get that do-over or I wake up and it’s April (like in my dream last week), I’ve learned to never let go of my own life. Never stop maintaining your own life for your relationship because you need both your life on your own and your life together in order to have the best kind of relationship. It has to be a good balance of both.

Happy Valentine’s Day! You are never, ever alone.

xoxo

Annie

[thecompletebookworm]

So what you think about the whole Zelena getting a happy ending stuff? I mean you literally wrote one of my favorite versions of her getting what she deserves. But now she gets a happy ending, after her deeds only got worse no less. It's just frustrating.

I just wanted to let you know I got both copies of this ask.  I don’t know if that was you or Tumblr, but I figured I’d answer it as soon as possible just to be sure.  

Since my response is incredibly long, I’m going to post a summary above the cut and then you can read my rambling.  I wrote the rambling first though, so you can start with that if you want an authentic experience.

1) I am behind in viewing things and would prefer no spoilers. I have only a general idea of what’s going on and would prefer to stay out of it until I actually have the info.  (Especially because right now I’m seeing things like Rumple has to forgive Zelena and if you don’t support that you’re a misogynist.)

2) There is no direct correlation between being good enough and receiving a happy ending.  Anyone can turn their life around.  

3) No one on this show is a pure hero, so pretending otherwise is ridiculous and does a disservice to the complexity of their character.  (Amendment Roland, Grace and Lucy would probably be exceptions to this rule.)

4) Forgiveness is never mandatory.  It’s more about the person who was wrong healing than it is about the perpetrator.  

5) I don’t have to like Zelena to like OUAT.  I don’t have to agree with every decision Once has made to like OUAT.  

I’m two episodes behind so I shutter to think what can be worse than killing someone’s son right in front of them, kidnapping a baby, imprisoning and sexually harassing someone for a year and then after they’re traumatized, blackmailing them with the only medicine to live, and taking the form of a dead loved one and raping someone (and I guess she killed Marian too.)  

Like I’m very clearly anti Zelena, but I’m also confused (mainly because I’m a couple episodes behind I guess), because Zelena already had a happy ending: Robin.  She got to raise Robin and from the show they seem to have a decent enough relationship, with standard mother-daughter strain.  

But even if you don’t consider Robin Zelena’s happy ending,  I have to say it was inevitable.  On this show, it isn’t about deserving a happy ending; a happy ending is still possible for anyone.  In part, that’s what made me love Skin Deep, because when I was depressed, I was told, that love is still possible regardless, there is always hope for you.  

Which goes a long with my idea that Once really has no heroes.  You have people doing what they think is necessary, and their ideas of necessary are informed by their past.  Because literally everyone on this show (except Roland probably) has made mistakes and done some shit.  Like on what other show do you get to have a conversation about Snow White turning her heart dark or where Snow White and Charming kidnap a baby, make her evil and separate her from her family.  Emma gets to be flawed.  Regina brings a child into an environment where he ends up feeling crazy because he is the only one growing and changing, but she still loves him.  And I agree it can be frustrating when Once, despite making the point there are no heroes, tries to simplify a character’s complications to fit whatever plot of the week. 

I would like to clarify something.  No one deserves a happy ending.  They kind of just happen and they depend much more on how the individual reacts and changes than how other people treat them.  Also no one needs to forgive someone for how they’ve been wronged.  Rumple gets to hate Zelena for killing his son.  He can help her. He can do the bare minimum for all I care and just stay out of her life, never seeking revenge again.  But he is not required to forgive her.  

I will always dislike Zelena.  That’s where this story came from after all. After I was sick to my stomach watching the hospital scene with Rumple.   But I’m not required to like what happens to Zelena in order to enjoy the show.  She’ll probably show up as a villain in my non-Curious Archer fics.   

[thefinalcinderella]

DIVE!! Book 3 Chapter 7-MEET THE MONSTER

Just found out that the anime cover version of the DIVE!! novels is no longer be sold...fuck

Lesson: get limited edition stuff as soon as they come out

Full list of translations here

Previously on DIVE!!: Youichi regifts, but then doesn’t. 

November 4th, nine a.m. The south entrance of the JR Shinjuku Station (1) was crowded late-commuting salarymen and office ladies, couples who looked like students, and people who don’t seem to know what they were doing. Youichi, dressed in a thin black sweater and casual jeans, and slipping through the ticket gate quickly, would also seem like one of those people who didn’t what they were doing to an observer.

It was a bright and pleasant morning. The sky was clear, and the sun shone with a moderate body warm-up-ish light, like it was a diver preparing for its performance in the afternoon. The people walking down the road were still dressed in light autumn clothing, but beneath their feet, the cold wintry wind drew small swirls, already signalling the arrival of winter.

Youichi walked straight forward on the Koshu Kaido (2) that stretched from the station to the government offices. Even he knew the way he was walking—directly forward—was awkward and jerky.

It took ten minutes to walk to the hotel of his destination. The promised time was exactly ten o’clock. Even though there was plenty of time, Youichi’s feet moved forward like he was a robot that ignored time allocation. If he slowed his pace down forcibly, he felt like he’d come to a halt in the valley between the skyscrapers, and no longer be able to move his feet forward again.

He was nervous. He was as nervous as if this was right before the final dive of a competition he absolutely couldn’t lose.

That person is waiting.

Just thinking that made Youichi’s heart beat faster.

The time had finally come.

Regarding Youichi’s appeal to see Chairman Maebara, Keisuke had called it “extremely absurd” and that it was “impossible to set up.” Chairman Maebara controlled the entire Japanese water sports world, which not only included competitive diving, but also competitive swimming and water polo. There was no reason for him to spare some of his precious time just for a mere high school diver. Youichi himself knew how reckless this endeavour was, as Keisuke emphasized repeatedly. Nevertheless, he refused to give up on that reckless endeavour, because in his mind he was thinking that it was impossible for such a preposterous thing, like having Olympic representatives suddenly fall from the sky one day, in this world.

Youichi kept on persisting, but Keisuke hardened his stance. Their relationship became more strained by the day, and that didn’t lead Yoriko, unable to put up with being stuck between the two of them, to support Youichi, they might have continued this cold standoff forever.

Yoriko, who had been neutral until then, had a very simple reason for why she came to be Youichi’s ally for the first time.

“Your father has watched from the poolside how you are suffering from your slump. I have been watching from this room as well. The room is closer, and I can see how completely lifeless your eyes are better from here. You’ve asked for a favor that made your eyes shine like that after such a long time. No matter how crazy it is, isn’t it just like a mother to want to grant it to you?”

Youichi had no idea when and where she persuaded Keisuke. Keisuke, who knew Youichi’s disposition to not yield once he proposed something, might have expected this conclusion from the very beginning.

Nonetheless, even after writing an impressive-seeming petition to the chairman, he continued to show that he did not approve of Youichi’s “extremely absurd” act. Every time Youichi saw his face, he felt like he’d fall into the deep wrinkles carved between his brows.

Youichi had no idea when and where Chairman Maebara looked over Keisuke’s letter and accepted the meeting. If anything, it seemed that the assistance of Yoriko, who worked at the JASF, was a bigger help than Keisuke’s letter. For the first time, he was aware of the “blessing” of having parents who were well-known in the diving world.

In any case, fourteen days after he visited Tomoki, he finally got his desired reply.

Two weeks from Thursday, Chairman Maebara will be interviewed by several magazines in a room at a certain hotel in Shinjuku. He could only leave one hour before the interview aside for Youichi.

The message he brought from his mother to Chairman Maebara was the first flake of snow that he himself sent down.

When he saw the white walls of the designated hotel, the watch on his wrist still indicated that it was nine thirty-six. It’s like I’m an anxious student about to take an exam, Youichi thought, ashamed of being twenty-four minutes too early. If he was going to come, he might as well be like Musashi who kept Koujirou waiting (3), and arrived comfortably late. However, unlike Musashi, Youichi was confined to the given time of the battle.

In order to calm his nerves, he killed time by walking one lap along the streets that surrounded the hotel. When he thought about how everyone at school would be in class around this time, he felt like he had come to a somewhat terrifying, distant place. Youichi couldn’t surmise what kind of person Chairman Maebara was, but he didn’t seem like someone who honoured the common sense that high school students shouldn’t be absent from school.

Maebara Ichirou. Seventy-eight years old. A former competitive swimmer who although was one of the leading figures in creating a swimming boom in post-war Japan, never participated in the Olympics. It seemed that person was more complicated than he thought, as Youichi received differing advice from both Kayoko and Yoriko.

“In the outside world, he’s called a medal ghoul, but he rather gives off the feeling of a monster. At any rate, he’s strange. He is so powerful he doesn’t seem like he is near eighty, and if you are careless, he’ll knock you down, so be careful.”

Kayoko seemed to have been acquainted with the chairman, and when she learned that Youichi was going to go meet him, she warned him, half-threateningly, half-amusedly.

Rather a monster. A strange person at any rate…

And so, the seeds of bewilderment were planted, with Yoriko sprinkling the fertilizer on them.

“Generally speaking, there are many differing ways to assess him. Medal ghoul, self-righteous, fascist…the different malicious gossip around him cannot be suppressed, but the ardent devotees who idolize him cannot be suppressed either. As for me, I have been in his anti faction ever since he touched my butt at a competition where he was a judge, during my athlete days.”

“They didn’t have words like ‘sexual harassment’ back then,” Yoriko said, with her eyes seeing the distant past.  

“But well, one thing is certain. Chairman Maebara is more well-versed in diving than anyone else in the JASF. Some say that because he is a former competitive swimmer, he doesn’t know diving, or that he does not put effort into the sport of diving, but that is not the case. He knows diving very well, perhaps he even loves it.”

He was startled when he heard the word “love” from his mother’s mouth.

To Youichi, who reflexively looked away, Yoriko held out an old booklet. The handmade booklet was bound with large staples, and on the yellowed cover, the title “Diving Manual” was handwritten in stern-looking letters.

“This booklet was made by the chairman twenty years ago. At that time, he was teaching swimming at a university while serving as a committee member for competitive swimming at the JASF, and though he was sometimes urged to be a judge for competitions, he had nothing to do with diving. But for some reason, he made this book. At that time, as well as now, because books written on diving were non-existent, I was ecstatic when I received this from my coach. You’d know if you read it, but its descriptions are really detailed. Of course, at the time I didn’t care who wrote it. A few years ago, I suddenly remembered it and looked over it, when I saw Maebara Ichirou’s signature in the author’s field, I was truly shocked.”

From that day onwards, Youichi kept turning over the pages of that booklet every night before he slept.

Diving events. Rules. History. Training methods. Recent overseas news—.

Not only did Chairman Maebara’s pen spell out those topics precisely, with regards to matches he also touched on noteworthy things in diving competitions, and the complex psychology of the athletes. The page that explained the events was accompanied by illustrations that in no way can be called skilled; the diver diving from the platform looked like a dragonfly, and depending on one’s point of view, like they’re leaping towards their death. Yoriko might have felt the love there, but to Youichi’s eyes it looked quite surreal, and it seemed to have made him unable to sleep.

It wasn’t just the strange illustrations that made it difficult for him to sleep.

The Maebara Ichirou who made this book twenty years ago, and the current Chairman Maebara who adhered only to medals, did not resolve well at all inside Youichi’s head. If one of them was a mask, then it’s a big deal, and if both of them were genuine, then he really was a monster.

These sprouts of bewilderment were quickly nurtured within Youichi, and thus somewhere in his heart, he gradually became afraid of his desired meeting with Chairman Maebara.

When he walked one lap around the hotel and stood in front of the front entrance once again, the hands on his watch indicated that he had about ten minutes left before the arranged time. He didn’t plan on going exactly at ten, and it might be effective as psychological warfare to go a little bit earlier to catch the enemy off-guard. Usually, Youichi was the type to slowly count “one, two, three” right after the whistle was blown before stepping forward, but sometimes he purposely started early to catch the judges off-guard and get them to pay more attention to him.

But here on the land, there was no water that would catch Youichi no matter what mistakes he made. If he failed, he’d fall all the way down into the depths. He was resolute, and while mustering up courage for his unusually cowardly self, he ended up loitering around the lobby floor until the very last minute.

Just before he got on the elevator, he realized he needed to go to the washroom badly because of stress.

Translation Notes

1. JR stands Japan Railways, a group of companies that operates Japan’s railways

2. Koshu Kaido is one of five routes built during the Edo period to connect Edo with Kai Province

3. This is referring to the famous duel between Koujirou Sasaki and Musashi Miyamoto, where Musashi was three hours late in order to psych out Koujirou.

Next time on DIVE!!: We actually get to meet the monster.