#i don’t think there’s churches or nothing like that and definitely no bibles

[persephoneprice]

jessup diggs - some headcanons

jessup has a decent sized family. he’s the oldest of all his siblings (he’s got 5 of them!) and his mama stays home with all the kids. she makes a little money on the side selling little blankets and other items that she’s able to sew. his daddy works down in the mines.

the rules for the mines were a lot more lax during this era so people were able to go down in the mines when they turned 16. jessup joined his daddy in the mines as soon as he was able to. it worried his mama to death, but with this many mouths to feed there just wasn’t another choice.

jessup’s biggest fear was for his younger brothers to have to drop out of school and join up in the mines. after he was reaped, all he could think about was his brother jed. jed’s a year younger than jessup and would have to go down into the mines once jessup was gone.

jessup had awful night terrors about his brother getting hurt in a mine accident while he was at the zoo. he didn’t tell lucy gray about any of it because he figured she didn’t need more to worry about.

he didn’t know lucy gray personally before they were reaped but of course, 12s a small place so he knew of her- even saw her sing a couple times before. he didn’t dislike lucy gray, but a part of him (that he wasn’t proud of) resented that her family was able to make such an easy living with singing while he had to work himself to the bones in the mines just for his family to still struggle to survive. he never, ever would have voiced that to anybody though. his mama always told him never to judge because you never knew the full story of what someone was going through. that’s also why it was easy for him to take to lysistrata.

i can’t help but think some parts of christianity survived in district 12- at least during this time. his mama is a huge believer in her faith and talked about it all the time. they didn’t have bibles or anything because all that had been long destroyed but they passed down what they could (by katniss’s time, it had died out due to people dying so early and not being able to spread the gospel.)

his daddy wasn’t as attached to the gospel as his mama- but that wouldn’t stop him from grabbing jessup’s hand and praying with him everyday before they went down in the mines. his daddy was sure that prayer would keep any harm from coming to them in the mines.

before the games- jessup asked lysistrata to hold his hand and pray with him.

[the-maid-of-witchwood]

Gimme your Bible study headcanons (I know you have them and I really want to hear them)

Oh gosh, I’m not prepared for this *immediately pulls up a previously written list*

Pete nicknames her ‘Maid Marian’ after the heroine in Robin Hood, this is how she’s saved on his contacts too - her middle name is Marian in my headcanon for context

They go as Robin Hood and Maid Marian for Halloween subsequently

All their Halloween costumes are historical in some sense

FOREHEAD KISSES

Height difference… has so many pros and cons

They are really big on indulging the other’s interests

Like Grace knows nothing about Star Wars but if she spots a glow stick at the Houston’s house while babysitting, Pete is 100% getting sent a photo of the “lightsaber” because she thinks he’ll like it

Side note, Pete and Tim get on really well - he helps Grace babysit sometimes

They don’t necessarily colour match but they do coordinate. They are both formal dressers, they’d be particular about this

They can’t really share clothes because of the size difference, so they turn to accessories: hair clips, bows, headbands

In saying that, Pete would love to see Grace drowning in one of his jumpers - she hasn’t done it yet because she knows it would be impractically long

These two fuckers make the best hot chocolates and nobody can tell me otherwise

Study dates at Beanie’s

Grace tries to calm him when the baristas take too long, she has the patience of a saint

Grace always walks with her arm linked around his

He carries her books

Partially because she carries way too many at once - Grace has like half the library on her at all times; girl likes reading

Anyways, Max hates them

Pete goes to church with her and reads the Bible to discuss it with her

He really likes doing her hair - brushing, styling, washing, just playing with it, anything

Unlike the rest of the group who tease and mock Grace for her lack of pop culture knowledge, Pete will always gently explain whatever film/TV show/game/celebrity/song/meme/etc to her. Sometimes going out his way to fully learn about the thing himself beforehand

Their families are really weird with each other

Aren’t allowed to play as a team in games, especially knowledge based ones because they are pretty unstoppable

They pair up in school a lot. Pete always suffered being the one left out as Ruth and Richie paired up, so he appreciates that someone picking him over everyone else - even when he’s not the best candidate

They both play woodwind instruments in orchestra and always try to ensure they sit at the end of the flute and clarinet sections to sit together

They both help out during the school shows (Grace as line prompt and Pete either ensemble or soundboard). They definitely have gotten distracted by staring at the other once or twice, Ruth teases them relentlessly

It is Ruth’s goal to get them both onstage together at some point

They both are part of the prom committee but neither of them wanted to be. Principal Blim just wanted some responsible people to ensure that Josephine (Angela’s drama student), head of the committee, didn’t make it another musical themed night

They just sit quietly together and chat in all the meetings, they are also the only ones to do most of the setting up

First to arrive at prom and get a good ten dances to themselves before anyone else arrives. By dances, I mean these two fully waltzed around the room because Pete definitely had several dance classes other than tap in varying styles and he teaches Grace how to waltz

Anytime Pete kisses Grace on the hand, she’s never suspecting it and is always weak at the knees

They also fluster each other when tying the other’s bow but don’t realise they’re doing it

They write each other love notes

They do Wordle together every morning

They have had dates at the local ren faire - they like dressing up and medieval shit - and then giggle about things for not being historically accurate like the know-it-alls they are

A lot of museum dates

Post graduation, they definitely go on holiday to Poland and Pete shows her all the historical landmarks

All their holidays are historical places in Europe

Grace learns Polish for Pete, it’s mainly just variations of “I love you”

She also learns Polish recipes and then gets very anxious about actually letting him try them in case she’s ruined it

She never has

They both struggle with accepting when they are unwell and need to be in bed: Pete likes being productive, Grace wants to keep her attendance record spotless

They are the best caretakers for each other when sick

Grace fortunately doesn’t get sick often (we’re talking maybe a cold twice in winter and that’s it - she has emetophobia and keeps herself as far from risk as possible)

BUT has really heavy periods/painful cramps. The latter is to the point she can’t hide it, like has to stop what she’s doing until it’s over, so Pete catches her just stood leaning against the wall halfway up the stairs and knows immediately

He is always carrying pain killers, some kind of snack (Grace can’t take pills without food) and a heat pad in his bag for this exact reason

Grace always carries food for him because of low blood sugar - yes, he has his own but there’s nothing wrong with being prepared

They have both definitely fainted in public on each other at least once for those specific reasons

Steph, Ruth and Richie argue daily about who is their third wheel

All three of them call them “mom and dad”

Grace is late to lunch one time because of a music lesson and it was all “omg dad, have you divorced mom?” “What the fuck, dad? You’re never gonna do better than her!” “Who gets me in the divorce?”

That’ll do for now lol

[ddarker-dreams]

Lock, what DO you love and like so much about Dostoevsky's work? I don't think you've ever talked about that. Please, I want to know !!!

^o^

(christianity mention jump scare below proceed with caution)

i thought this would be an easy to answer but figuring out how to put my feelings into words proved difficult .

the beginning is always a good place to start, so let's go with that. by chance, i happened upon this video on youtube and gave it a watch. about halfway in i decided i had to read notes from underground for myself. i struggled to understand what the narrator was trying to get across. the unique writing style, where the reader is addressed directly, as if in challenge, helped me preserve.

i think part of what makes his work special to me is his depiction of people. and they really do feel like people more than characters, even if some of their characteristics are unique to the era dostoevsky wrote in. everything else about them transcends time. i can see myself in some of them. whether it be the titular idiot, prince myshkin in his naivety; alyosha, who goes from devout to doubting; and ivan, whose bitterness toward religion masks his disappointment at the state of the world. 

that's why the brothers karamazov touched me in particular. for some context, i grew up in a christian household and was heavily involved in the church (american northeast white baptist strand of church). around when i was 11 or so, the introduction of left-wing politics through social media had me undergo a looooong identity crisis. these new ideas felt at odds with what i'd spent my entire life believing. what i grappled with the most relates to ivan's anecdote, the grand inquisitor, where the goodness of god is called into question. the bitterness, the disappointment from crushed expectations, all those sensations resonated strongly with me. reading it as an adult who (supposedly) 'healed' from that time period in my life was like opening pandora's box. i'd never seen my thoughts and struggles so accurately described, or treated with more than a 'his ways are higher than our ways' type platitude. i stuffed these concerns of mine away because they only ever served to make me feel worse.

i won't delve deep into the Depressing Lore. the only reason i mention it is to stress how profound an impact the work had on me. throughout the remainder of TBK (and in most of dostoevsky's discography), the best and worst of humanity is shown. our hypocritical nature, capacity for evil; nothing is shied away from or made more palatable. and yet, throughout it all, our potential for good is shown too. whether it be in the little acts or monumental self-sacrifice. sometimes those acts are honored, or ‘worth it,’ sometimes they aren’t. it’s cheesy but whatever i’ll say it — choosing to love and serve others is my greatest joy. i don’t really need a definitive answer to those problems i struggled with. that’s the takeaway i’ve had from his work. it might not seem like a big deal, but not feeling guilty for having certain doubts or anxious over those doubts never fully being resolved was. very significant for me. and healing (for real this time). 

so that’s the sentimental perspective GJSDLKFJS from my writer’s perspective, i can only describe him as brilliant. his grasp on the human psyche is incredible. he can accurately describe so many emotions, worldviews, and give the context necessary for each one to feel organic and real. it’s vivid, too, in a way i can’t properly get across. everyone’s unfiltered and messy. characters contradict themselves in the same sentence. they’ll murmur, go off on tangents, tell stories, misquote the bible (or many other significant works), and just be overall disasters. aka how people actually are. 

the man’s also funny as hell. the protagonist from crime and punishment has a mental breakdown spanning multiple pages over a sock. yes, there’s context, but that’s still the gist of things. then there’s the issue of the hedgehog in the idiot. hedgehog drama. 

ultimately, his work is so very human. there’s commentary on issues that are prevalent to this day, multiple centuries later. the topics he touches on tend to align with what i care about most. whether i agree or disagree with what i’m reading, there’s always something i glean from it. something meaningful that sits with me long after i close the book. i’ll mull over it and bother people in my vicinity until they mull over it too. no one is safe. whether it be a co-worker or my dad who drives noticeably faster to reach our destination and be free of my many questions.

i could keep going but this ended up being long enough GJSKDF i hope at least something here makes sense?>?? i apologize for the incoherent ramblings. it's what the dude does to me.

[nameless-jamie]

Love Hunt

Valentine's Day Special - Day 2

A Jamie Tartt x fem!pastor reader

Masterlist Valentine' Special

TW: cursing, kissing

A/N: Day 2 is a small one! Hope you still like it! I guess this also marks the end of Jamie Tartt x pastor reader.

It starts with a small note tucked between the pages of her Bible, found early in the morning as Y/N prepares for the day. The handwriting is messy, a little rushed, but undeniably his.

"I know ur not supposed to have favorites, but if u do, I hope it’s me. Happy Valentine’s, love. – J."

She rolls her eyes, biting back a smile. Jamie Tartt has been showing up at her church for months now—not exactly the most devoted parishioner, but certainly the most persistent. His confessions are more like rambling therapy sessions with a side of flirtation, and he always finds a way to make her laugh, even when she’s meant to be keeping a straight face. They have even been texting back and forth, flirting. Yup, the pastor girl was flirting with the football star, how bizarre.

She thinks nothing more of the note, though—until she finds another one. This one is left in her office, hidden under a cup of tea someone (definitely Jamie) has sneakily left for her.

"A good Samaritan once said u should follow the clues. (That was me, I just said that.) Go check the bench outside."

A scavenger hunt. Of course. Such a Jamie Tartt thing to do.

She tugs her coat tighter around herself and steps outside, the February chill biting at her skin. On the bench outside the church, there’s a single rose taped to the wood, along with another note.

"Didn’t have a clue what to get a pastor for Valentine’s, so ur getting a lil adventure. Next stop: where u first broke ur vow of keeping a straight face at me."

She knows exactly where that is. The confessional.

Inside, tucked neatly in the wooden booth, there’s another rose—and another note.

"Forgive me, Mother, for I have simped. Next stop: the place where I realized I’m fully doomed for u."

That one takes a moment, but then it clicks—the café down the road. The one where they’d talked properly for the first time, outside of the structured setting of the church. After Jamie had crashed her Sunday Service and they exchanged numbers, they agreed to meet outside of church at that exact café. She finds the next note waiting for her at their usual table.

"Last one, I promise. Meet me where footballers get dramatic and men fall to their knees (no, not confession again). Hope ur hungry. – J."

She grins, already knowing where he is.

At the stadium, tucked away in a private box, Jamie has set up what can only be described as the most romantic (and slightly ridiculous) dinner scene she’s ever seen. Fairy lights, candles, a table set for two. He stands there, hands in his pockets, bouncing slightly on his heels like he’s nervous.

"Jesus," she says, stepping inside. "You went all out."

"Don’t bring him into this, he did nothin’. Did that all by myself," Jamie quips, grinning. Then, a bit softer, "D’you like it?"

She does. She really, really does.

He pulls out a chair for her, gesturing for her to sit. "Thought if I can’t win ya over with holiness, I’d at least try romance."

She shakes her head, laughing as she takes the seat. "Jamie, you are absolutely ridiculous."

"And yet," he smirks, sitting across from her, "here you are."

Here she is. And for once, she doesn’t feel the need to justify it.

The dinner is… perfect. The food is good, but it’s Jamie who makes it special. He talks too much, tells her stories that make her laugh so hard her stomach hurts, flirts shamelessly, and somehow—without even trying—makes her feel more adored than she ever has before.

Halfway through, he gets quiet for a moment, stirring his drink. "Y'know, when I first came to confession, I wasn’t really thinkin' about bein' better. I just wanted to keep talking to ya." He chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. "Didn’t think it’d turn into… this."

"And what is this?" she asks, tilting her head.

His gaze meets hers, more open than she’s ever seen it. "It’s me tryin' to be good enough for ya."

Her heart stutters. Jamie Tartt isn’t a saint, never will be, but he’s real. And kind. And trying, in the only way he knows how.

She reaches across the table and takes his hand. "You already are."

Jamie swallows, his usual bravado faltering for just a second before he recovers, squeezing her hand back. "Think I get a reward for all this effort?" he teases, winking.

She rolls her eyes but stands anyway, stepping closer. "That depends."

"On what?" he murmurs, looking up at her.

She leans in, just enough for him to feel her breath against his lips. "On whether or not you shut up for once."

Jamie laughs—right before she kisses him.

And for once, he does exactly as he’s told. Let's hope, the big man's not watching them right now, 'cause sinning was never better with anyone else...

[i-hear-a-sound]

Sort of dumb Drakengard and Nier stuff I find really really interesting

this will be long. and dumb. and probably wrong. under the readmore

This is an image of what the Alien’s ship looks like in Automata. And yes, it most definitely looks like a flower. Interesting thing is, aliens coming down in a ship shaped like a flower is something that sounds really familiar to the lore: of how in Drakengard, the Watchers came down with the Flower. (fact check me if that’s wrong though)

This image is faintly in every in-game cutscene in Drakengard. These are implied to be images from the universe’s altered Bible? (Christianity is the main religion in the game, it’s just altered with things like the Goddess the seals etc). Which, means, if you squint…

this image looks like a dragon impaled on a tower. It’s pixelated as fuck but higher quality images do confirm this. If I find one of those I’ll update it. (something something, timeloop is obvious)

These two scenes have been paralleled to death. Yes, the black box scene in Automata does look somewhat moderately kind of if you squint like the scene in which Caim pacts with Angelus, but let’s focus more on the ladder scene because something has always bugged me about it.

Firstly. The souls themselves. Maybe it’s just me… they look like egg cells? Which, no, I’m not going “Caimangelus had sex, good for them” I’m going “If this is the case, what else are referred to as “eggs” in this game?”

In the original version of the game in Japan, the Seeds of Destruction are not referred to as Seeds. They’re called eggs.

another thing. We get to see what happens when a seed is destroyed in ending C. And for a brief second, it looks like this:

Another thing about this scene. Something I also never noticed was that when he pulls out his soul, Caim’s chest does… this?

I’d gif it if i could but atm I cant, but believe me. Angelus just shoots it out from her mouth he just reaches into his chest like it’s liquid. And again, back to the ending C scene:

What does this imply?

…Jack shit lol I just think it’s interesting. Smiley face.

Accord is an incredibly mysterious character in the world of Drakenier. We know nothing of her origins, who created her, why she is at all, and the most we know is:

There is a lot of her. She was created in the “Kingdom of night”. She was created by “something like humans”. She studies singularities. Her goal is to prevent the fall-down. She’s a boob lover.

Something interesting to note is that, the character of Adam kind of somewhat maybe shares a lot of design parallels with Accord. Not even just in terms of the use of white/cream.

Adam has glasses, a black tie, and on one hand has a glove similar to what Accord has. In the anime he gets the same tattoo of the Cult of the Watcher’s Eve had in the game, and Accord is specifically stated to have taken an interest in the branch involving the cult’s creation.

But what’s weird is that Adam… is a machine. And accord isn’t. At least, she’s not supposed to be? Who knows. I have lots so say about Accord but most of it is just theorizing so I’ll leave that for another day.

But I want to talk about the other twin: Eve.

Weirdly enough, Eve and Brother Nier and to an extent, the Shadowlord, share a lot of similarities as well. Sure there’s the white hair, the fact they’re both siblings of someone, etc etc etc, but something I never noticed was how similar their attacks are. Thank the fucking sadfutago church thing for that one lol.

I mean… just the fact that these two not only share the same English VA, but that in the automata DLC for Replicant, the Shadowlord boss music is replaced by Dependent Weakling. (Fact check that for me too, it’s been a while)

Weird parallels all around.

These… doors. Why are they here?

for context, in a Drakengard level you stumble across just this… room with a couple random, red doors. Some of them are open. Some of them are not. I. Don’t. Know. Why. These. Are. Here.

(I mean I do… I very much do, but again. That’s theory.)

Anyways. Doors are actually mentioned in the game, in the final line for ending C. “A pitiful child shall defy the hands of the gods, and a door will close.”

Hmmm?? Thing to note: the “hands of the gods” are dragons. “A pitiful child shall defy the dragons, and a door will close.”

And to end off this post, a fun fact; before becoming the first intoner, Lady Zero had a different name. Rose.

[creature-wizard]

Hello! If this is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, please feel free to ignore this!

DISCLAIMER: This is nothing against Christians! I have no problem with your religion!

Anyways. So I grew up extremely evangelical Christian and now I’m agnostic, I’ve been doing pretty good with dismantling certain ideologies that I was brought up believing, etc, but there’s one thing that I cannot get rid of and that is “rapture anxiety”.

Basically, the way Christianity was/is taught to me and the people of my church is very fear-based. “Be afraid of the devil and going to hell, but also be afraid of God and what’s going to happen to you if you don’t obey his orders” type shit.

And while I don’t usually even regress back to how I was when I was religious, when the Israel/Palestine conflict escalated this week, a bunch of the people in my community and in my family started spreading a shit ton of messages about how “the rapture is coming” and how “modern Israel is the the Nation of Israel in the Bible and the Palestinians are the Canaanites that God is destroying before the rapture”, etc.

And somehow all of this just took me back to my childhood in which I literally couldn’t sleep because I thought God was coming at any time because “no one knows the day or the hour of his coming” and I was going to go to hell if I wasn’t ready and all that anxiety just kept flooding back. Gosh, just typing this sounds so self centred, I feel like I’m making a literal genocide about me.

Have you ever experienced this? It’s so fucking debilitating, I hate that evangelical Christianity is so fear based. Sorry for venting and writing a whole book in your asks.

Hey anon, you're always entitled to talk about and seek support for your religious trauma from appropriate channels. Have you ever heard of ring theory? Ring theory essentially states that the important thing is to seek comfort from those further away from the crisis, and give support to those closer to it. Since I'm not more affected by this crisis than you, you aren't doing anything wrong here.

I haven't personally experienced rapture anxiety since the rapture wasn't part of my parents' belief system, but I know it's extremely common. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I was, however, brought up with apocalyptic beliefs, and more than once I definitely found myself triggered when the topic - or even adjacent topics - came up. It took years of work to get past that.

If it helps, try to remember that much about this whole situation was actually engineered by Evangelical Christians. They literally want this conflict to happen because they think it'll catalyze the End Times and bring about the Second Coming. I can't imagine that the god who supposedly said that nobody knows the day or the hour of Jesus's second coming would be very amused by people being arrogant enough to think that they can actually set the End Times into motion themselves.

[maschotch]

Random Hotch q for the expert, but do you think he’s especially religious? I can’t recall if it’s been mentioned/touched upon in the show (currently rewatching) but I always envisioned him to not be practicing but maybe subconsciously Christian lol idk what are your thoughts

truthfully im not sure. from his vibes i could definitely see him being a hardcore christian, but considering the amount of american symbolism we see in his office, we definitely would see some sort of evidence if he practiced any kind of religion.

if i was to speculate, id say he’s uninterested in organized religion and spirituality on the whole. he seems more bemused when interacting with overtly religious pushy parents and clinical with abusive parents with a religious front, while morgan has a much more personal reaction, which makes me think hotch isn’t bothered by religion the way morgan is. but i imagine morgan, who grew up in a loving home that was disrupted, felt abandoned by a god he once loved whereas hotch, who grew up in a consistently abusive household, never bought into a benevolent god to begin with.

if we’re talking just my opinion? i think hotch’s childhood was littered with the omnipresent force of southern christianity: there’s a church on every street, sunday church was a weekly occurrence, bibles in every school, prayer during class, crosses in every room, etc. but i think he thought it was a sham. i think of his interactions in natural born killer with the guy who’s dad put up a religious front in public but beat his family in private, or the father in boxed in who would do the same thing. i think of it similar to that; religion was just part of the cover to maintain the appearance of a happy wholesome family. hotch doesnt seem like the type to pray every night for the abuse to stop—it seems more like he would just accept the way life was for him until he takes it into his own hands.

it’s been a while since i’ve seem cm so i don’t remember his house decorations or haley’s jewelry, but nothing stands out in my memory. i don’t think he’s religious but i don’t think he has a particular aversion the way morgan does. that being said, i could understand any religious headcanons for him since he really doesnt talk about it much. he even kinda dodges the question in demonology when morgan asks what he believes in: he believes in behavior and people and things he can understand. there’s no need for him to worry about the rest of it.

[jezebelblues]

a rant from an annoyed american!

||| ( feel free to ignore; i just need an outlet :D )

sooo the supreme court just went ahead and upheld the tiktok ban. the highest court in america, mind you, deemed the banning of an entertainment app constitutional.

whether it’s technically unconstitutional or not is debatable. there’s loopholes, specifics. and i am definitely not a lawyer.

worth noting: cases like united states v. skrmetti, stanley v. city of stanford, rivers v. lumpkin, perttu v. richards, garland v. vanderstok, city and county of san francisco v. epa are still pending or undecided. but i’m glad we were able to crack down on tiktok!

maybe for an outsiders perspective this may seem really silly–being upset over the ban. like, go touch some grass, right? but ultimately, i don’t think it boils down to just that.

our government is using the guise of national security to justify this ban. our government, the same one who implemented the patriots act. the act that is a violation of privacy and is generally just authoritarian in nature. but the surveillance is(was) apparently justified because of smith v. maryland. and duh, of course, national security!

the same government that gave zuckerberg a slap on the wrist for cambridge analytica / facebook’s interference with the 2016 election and stealing user data. (mind you, zuckerberg has quite a longgg rap sheet of apologizing for the misuse of user data). funnily enough, after the 2018 testimony, meta’s stock went up by 4.5%.

i also think it’s really important to remember that this isn’t normal for governments of first world countries. i think it’s important to remember that fascist governments censor.

our country continues to just tick more and more boxes for characteristics of fascism as time goes on. we have a social hierarchy here. the greater good of the nation takes precedence over individual interests or concerns. they are banning books, media. they are censoring and spreading certain narratives on lessons or classes in academia. they are actively chipping at the wall that separates church and state and seeing how far they can get away with it.

there is absolutely no sound reason for the bible to be an integral part of the curriculum in public schools. (ie. oklahoma’s mandate).

they intentionally weaved the ban into a $95 billion foreign aid and relief bill.

and then the biden administration has the gall to backtrack and say they’re looking for ways to keep tiktok available in the states! BIDEN IS THE ONE THAT SIGNED IT INTO LAW LAST YEAR.

and the cherry(s) on top of it all: we get an ominous farewell speech where the president of the united states warns the country of an oligarchy. the leader of a democratic nation instead referred it to it as an oligarchy. in his military farewell, the context in which he said remember your oath is concerning. an oath to defend against all foreign and domestic enemies. an oath to obey the chain of command, yes, but it’s not a vow of loyalty. an oath to support, defend and remain loyal to the constitution. an oath where the constitution takes precedence over an unlawful order, even if said order is given by someone who ranks high in command.

i can’t approach this with hindsight because i truly don’t know what the rest of this year will look like. maybe it all means nothing–fear mongering, overthinking and exaggerating. or, maybe it does.

i don’t know. i’m not a scholar, lawyer or politician. but i’m able to interpret what’s put in front of me, and what i see most of the time is upsetting.

anyway: dear non-american followers, keep us in the loop fr

[runawaymun]

question that you do not have to answer: are you lgbt? and are there lgbt ppl in your church? i was just wondering how common it is for lgbt ppl to be practicing christians and vice versa

I am bi and genderqueer, yes. Several of my friends are practicing Christian and also queer to some degree (we have like one token straight friend haha) — though we kind of all collected each other through the power of gaydar. The deacon(ess) at our church has been quite open about being queer as well, and the rest of the leadership seems more or less supportive.

It’s hard to say how common or uncommon it is. In my experience, I’d lean on the side of uncommon purely because the church has deeply sinned against its queer members historically, and that’s not a wound which quickly heals — but I grew up baptist. It all very much depends on your location and the denomination of church. I live in a liberal area and the church I go to is ECLA Lutheran, who as a whole are queer affirming and allow queer people to hold leadership. The main pastor at our church isn’t comfortable officiating queer weddings — but has no problem allowing other members of staff to do it. I respect that bc I very much prefer for people to err on the side of following their own conscience. He isn’t hateful or bigoted, but he is definitely more traditional.

As far as how common it is to have practicing queer people in church, I think it’s far more common than people think and much more common than people at church think. We are all just pretty quiet about it unless the church is an affirming one. The climate of each church can vary. We tend to find each other and find allies. People stay at churches for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with how affirming the leadership at that church is.

Quaker and ECLA churches tend to be affirming. The ones I hate the most are the psuedo-nondenominational liberal churches of the likes I attended for years, because they’re bigoted but they aren’t honest about it. It’s very much “love the sinner, hate the sin”, and the general idea is “it’s okay to experience same sex attraction but don’t act on it, and don’t talk about it”. At least the outright conservative churches are upfront.

But I digress. There are many, many queer practicing Christians across the whole spectrum of Christian denominations. I’ve met several at every church I’ve ever attended. The main reason I took so long to find an affirming church is that my top priority when looking is that the church must believe in and uphold the Bible (or else, like, why are we here lol). I know that the Bible itself actually has nothing to say about queer people in consensual relationships, so there is no need to throw out scripture in an attempt to be affirming. Churches that err on one extreme of the spectrum or the other are, in my opinion, intellectually lazy or dishonest.

But the trend is for the better imo. The kids in church these days seem to be much better off, and my hope for them is that they will never be hurt and question God’s love for them like I did for so long.

Oof, digressing more, sorry! I am very passionate about this whole topic. Anyway I hope that answers your question, thank you!

[exvangelicalrage]

I Might Be Wrong

5/31/23

christians use the word "faith" a lot. It's one of the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Unfortunately, I have that list memorized. 

I lived by the fruits of the spirit as a teenager. There were a lot of rules given by the church about who I should be, but fewer rules in the bible, at least ones that made sense. But this was a list I could get behind: character traits I could work on developing that would make me both a good candidate for heaven, and a good wife and mother. 

Gross.

Anyway, in a recent interview I gave, the interviewer asked me to explain my current theological stance, since I had identified myself as an exvangelical. I explained that I prefer "agnostic," although it certainly wouldn't offend me if someone called me atheist. And when he asked me why I had chosen agnostic over atheist, I found myself surprised by my own response. I said something along the lines of, "Well, if you think about it, atheism requires just as much faith as christianity. christians must have unshakeable faith that god exists; atheists have to have just as much faith that god doesn't exist. Neither is provable." 

And then I said, to my own surprise: "Ultimately, I just try to stay as far away from faith as possible."

I was surprised because of how true it was.

If I can't have faith in god, I also can't have faith in no god.

Do I think the christian god exists? Obviously not. But atheism requires the belief that "No god exists," which is also something I can't confidently commit to. Especially when you look at the broad expanse of the word "god." It's been used in so many ways over the millennia. Even the bible says, "you shall have no other gods before me" which implies the presence of other gods—and whether they are actual or made up or metaphorical doesn't really matter. It still falls under the definition of "god." Not to mention, plenty of people use the term "god" to mean something like "universal consciousness" which... isn't impossible, as far as I can see. 

You know how they say that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference? I think the same is true of christianity. The opposite of christianity is not atheism—it's agnosticism.

Ask a christian how they know their god is the True god, as opposed to, for example, Allah or Zeus or Ra, and inevitably they will get around to saying, "I have faith."

Cool. 

I don't. 

I don't have faith. 

That is not a thing I have. 

And I never will have it—not in the christian god, not in the muslim god, not in any of the myriad gods who have risen and fallen throughout history. Nor even in the lack of god. I don't even have faith in physics! Damn physicists keep changing our understanding of the foundational framework of the universe! It's great, don't get me wrong. But definitely worth holding onto a little disbelief, even in things that are supposedly True.

After I said I stayed as far away from faith as possible, the interviewer then said to me, "Well, you must have some faith in something. How else do you ride in airplanes?"

But the thing is, I don't need faith to ride in airplanes. I have my understanding of physics. I have the evidence of mine own eyes. I have a mind that I can use to understand to the best of my ability. It's not perfect. But it is better than nothing, which is all christianity has.

You could make the argument that I must have faith in something, because that's just what it means to be human, and I can't know everything about everything all the time. I wouldn't disagree with you. 

I also wouldn't agree. 

I'd stay solidly somewhere in the bounds of "maybe."

Perhaps some version of faith in something is an inevitable part of life. 

But I definitely don't have to have blind faith. I don't have to have stupid faith. I don't have to have immoral faith.

I do not have to have faith in a god who never deigned to honor me with his presence, nor logic, nor reason, nor answers. 

I do not have to have faith in a god who in one moment condemns entire cities to death, and in the next professes his profound love for humans.

I do not have to have faith in a god who lets children die for no fucking reason, and forces women to bear the children of their rapists, and who would chop a woman into pieces because of the sins of men. 

Who would command a man to kill a child to prove his "faith."

I do not have to have faith. Faith is taught, learned. And it can be unlearned. 

Ultimately, I may never be able to fully reject every modicum of faith. But this isn't about having a black and white answer. It's about an approach to life. Anytime I stumble across a bubble of faith hiding away somewhere in my brain, I beat it with a stick (aka knowledge), until either it disintegrates, or turns into a fuzzy cloud of "I don't know and that's okay."

It's okay to not know. It's okay to be wrong. But I don't have to give in to faith either. Instead, I can accept the gray area. I don't need faith. I simply need to be willing to continually learn, and willing to admit that I might be wrong.

"This is a question I do not have an answer for," I will say. "But I have made this choice anyway. I might be wrong. But it's okay."

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ryan Burge

Published: Oct 19, 2023

This post is more of a “me thinking out loud” than anything else, because I get this question a whole lot. It’s about states, specifically what parts of the country are the least religious and which ones are the most religious. That question is posed by potential church planters looking for the most fertile ground to start up a new church. It’s also asked by atheists and agnostics when they are thinking about where would be a good place to move to if they wanted to be around like minded people.

Here’s the thing about that question - it’s not really that easy to answer from a statistical perspective. It seems so tantalizing easy but that’s just not the case. The reason is actually really easy to understand, too. Sample size. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

I don’t think people fully realize how small national surveys used to be. When I was in graduate school, the ceiling was about 3,000 people. Divide that by 50, and you see the problem that I am running in to here. You may get a hundred or more in big states like California or Texas. But you aren’t going to get any real numbers in Vermont or Montana.

I wrote about this in a ton of depth for Religion News Service a couple years ago in post entitled, “How religious is your average 22-year-old? A new golden age of survey data opens a door.” That ‘Golden Age’ has opened the door for folks like me to get a lot closer to the answer about the most religious states and the least religious ones.

The Cooperative Election Study has over 60,000 people in the most recent wave - collected about a year ago. It’s got 129 folks from North Dakota in there! And, 224 from Montana. There are more Californians in the 2022 CES than the entire sample of the General Social Survey in 2021. So, now we can do some state level analysis.

Let’s get right to the maps, then. This is the share of folks who identify as atheist, agnostic, or nothing in particular in the 2008 and the 2022 version of the Cooperative Election Study. I intentionally kept the bins the same in both years to give folks a clear impression of just how fast the nones have risen.

In the 2008 map at the top, the dark blue tells a pretty clear story - the nones were way more concentrated in the western part of the United States. They were north of 40% in both Washington and Oregon. The only other state that was less religious was Vermont at 42%. There are also big pockets of nones in California, and Arizona, too.

Where weren’t the nones in 2008? The entire mid-section of the country. States like Minnesota and Wisconsin scored really low at 23% and 25% respectively. But of course the Bible belt didn’t have a bunch of nones. Just 23% in Mississippi and 18% in Louisiana. But there were a bunch of states in the low to mid twenties all over the middle section of the country, though.

In 2022, nearly the entire map is a dark shade of blue - meaning at least 35% non-religious. Now there are four states that are more than half non-religious: Washington, Oregon, New Hampshire, and Maine. But there are also lots of states in the mid-forties, too: Nevada, California, New Mexico, and Colorado to name a few.

Outside the Dakotas, the only part of the country that is not dark blue is the Bible Belt. In most of those states about one third of the population is non-religious. That’s the case in Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, Georgia, and South Carolina. The nones are basically everywhere now and in large numbers. It’s not just isolated pockets in certain states.

[ Continued... ]

Unfortunately, the rest of the article is behind a paywall, and a cached/archived version doesn't seem to be available at the usual locations.

[spurgie-cousin]

I answered that I think they’re a unique cult because they’ve remixed what we know to be biblical history/christian theology. The fact that they have a whole new book that’s got nothing to do with anything we know to be biblical is what does it for me (with the origins of said book including weird interactions with salamanders). Mormon dogma teaches that Jesus somehow made his way to North America post resurrection, which if you have a basic knowledge of history should raise a few flags. They also don’t believe that the bible is the singular word of God, which if you follow the guidelines of fundamentalism seems quite necessary for christians.

There’s a lot more I could say but this is a summary for now 😂

so i guess the way i think about it is, Mormons are not unique when it comes to changing Christian history/altering the bible/creating new religious texts to fit a certain narrative, that is a hallmark of pretty much all of the big Christian cults. they are not even the only sect of Christianity that denies the trinity, just to address a point made in the second ask.

there's definitely an argument to be made that Mormonism is one of the most successful of these types of cults so maybe it deserves its own category for that reason, but then you open up the Pandora's box of defining a "Christian Cult" and a lot of denominations can also end up in that group just based on what you decide that definition is (this is the part of the discussion where everyone gets mad at the dinner table). Like for example if we're just going by who doesn't believe in the holy trinity, United Pentecostals or any Unitarians, in addition to others, would fall under the 'cult' umbrella.

the big ones off the top of my head that are comparable in the sense that they've altered Christian history/written their own religious texts/added to or omitted from the original Bible are Jehovah's Witnesses, Unification Church, Twelve Tribes, the People's Temple and The Family (but that's in no way an exhaustive list). and for example, the Unification Church has a document that could be compared to Mormonism's D&C (basically a book about Joseph Smith's 'revelations') called "Divine Principal", which like the D&C was written by the founder of that religion and is revered almost above the original Bible.

i'm going to stop myself from writing a dissertation but essentially, i think Mormonism seems different from what most people think of when they think about "Christian" cults because it's one of the only cults of this nature to gain the prominence and status it currently has in society. most cults like this either fizzle out or go rogue enough to make their nature more obvious to outsiders, if that makes sense, while Mormonism at this time is considered a completely legitimate international religion. but there are definitely comparable organizations out there that are widely considered to be "Christian" cults.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Bagley : Salt Lake Tribune

* * * *

[Kristof: We're less and less a Christian nation, and I blame some blowhards]

Nicolas Kristoff :: Oct 27, 2019

Perhaps for the first time since the United States was established, a majority of young adults here do not identify as Christian.

Only 49% of millennials consider themselves Christian, compared with 84% of Americans in their mid-70s or older, according to a new report from the Pew Research Center (Religion, Oct. 19).

We don’t have good historical data, and the historians I consulted are wary of definitive historical comparisons. But something significant seems to be happening. The share of American adults who regard themselves as Christian has fallen by 12 percentage points in just the past decade.

“The U.S. is steadily becoming less Christian and less religiously observant,” the Pew study concluded.

Some on the religious right will thunder that this as a result of a secular “war on Christianity.”

“Christians and Christianity are mocked, belittled, smeared and attacked,” declared an essay on Fox News’ website, plaintively titled, “How Long Will I Be Allowed to Remain a Christian?”

This mockery of Christians is, as I’ve written many times, both real and wrong. But a far bigger threat to the “brand” of Christianity comes, I think, from religious blowhards who have entangled faith with bigotry, sexism, homophobia and xenophobia. For some young people, Christianity is associated less with love than with hate.

“Pompous right-wing political chest-thumping, and an unwillingness to listen on matters like climate change or racism, has contributed to a perception by millions that Christianity is irrelevant, or worse yet, a threat to progress,” the Rev. Richard Cizik, the leader of a group of self-described “new evangelicals” with moderate views, told me. “That’s a real burden to carry going into the 21st century.”

Cizik, who was fired from the National Association of Evangelicals in 2008 after he expressed support for civil unions for gay people, added that Christianity’s reputation suffers from backward views on women’s issues and from the unwavering support among evangelical hard-liners for President Donald Trump.

“Trump has played them like a fiddle,” he said.

It would be difficult to imagine a president more at odds with Jesus’ message than Trump, a serial philanderer and liar who has persecuted refugees, divided families, exploited the poor and allegedly committed sexual assaults. When Trump in 2016 was asked to name a favorite part of the Bible, he muttered “an eye for an eye” — a reference to an Old Testament passage that Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, specifically renounced.

That is the opposite of the Christianity whose heroic side I’ve often praised: A Catholic doctor in Sudan’s Nuba mountains … a missionary doctor in Angola … nuns everywhere. If they were the face of Christianity, its reputation would be golden. Likewise, Christian organizations like International Justice Mission, Mercy Ships, Catholic Relief Services and World Vision labor to make the world a better place. Across America, a crucial safety net comes from churches organizing food pantries and emergency shelters.

Surveys find that religious Americans donate more to charity than secular Americans and are substantially more likely to volunteer. In a Pew survey in 2016, almost two-thirds of highly religious Americans said they had donated time, money or goods to help the poor in the past week.

There’s nothing about faith that necessarily makes it a bastion of conservatives. Martin Luther King Jr. and many other liberal civil rights leaders were shaped by their Christian beliefs, Jim Wallis is a liberal evangelical writer with a large following, and Jimmy Carter is truly the unTrump, at age 95 still building houses for the needy. But today’s prominent evangelical leaders are mostly conservatives.

Pew’s latest report found that nonbelievers are gaining ground fast. “Nones” — those with no particular religion — now account for more than one-quarter of the American population. There are substantially more nones than Catholics.

The decline in religion is particularly evident among young people. Those born between 1928 and 1945 are only 2 percentage points less likely to identify as Christian than they were a decade ago, while millennials are 16 percentage points less likely to call themselves Christians.

“Adults coming of age today are far less religious than their parents and grandparents before them,” said Gregory Smith of the Pew Research Center.

Smith noted that the data seem consistent with the argument made by leading scholars that young adults have turned away from organized religion because they are repulsed by its entanglements with conservative politics. “Nones,” for example, are solidly Democratic.

The upshot is that a majority of white adults now attend church just a few times a year at most. Blacks and Hispanics are more likely to attend, although their attendance is dropping, too.

The central issue is that faith is supposed to provide moral guidance — and many moralizing figures on the evangelical right don’t impress young people as moral at all. Sen. Jesse Helms said in 1995 that AIDS funding should be cut because gay men get the disease. The Rev. Jerry Falwell and the Rev. Pat Robertson initially suggested that God organized the 9/11 terror attacks to punish feminists, gays and lesbians.

God should have sued Falwell and Robertson for defamation. But, in some sign of karma, a survey found that gays and lesbians have higher public approval than evangelicals do.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever been hurt by a narcissist? Yes. I found out I had been used and played by him the whole time. He used his charm and complete BS to get me interested even though he wasn’t that interested in me. He figured I’d be easy to manipulate and I’d be there for his convenience until he decided he was done. Despite me expressing how I felt, including the hurt, which took a shit ton for me to do, it was clear he didn’t really care. He didn’t get it. He didn’t understand what the big deal was. All he thought about was himself and didn’t consider who he was hurting in the process. 

What does forgiveness mean to you? This reminds me of that movie, “Just Friends”, where Anna Farris’ character is a singer and has a song that goes, “forgiveness is more than saying sorry”, and yeah I agree. But as far as me doing the act of forgiving, I tend to forgive and give out many chances. I never forget, though.  

Have you forgiven everyone who's wronged you? No.

What's your favorite thing to do at sunrise? I’m generally asleep. 

How are you celebrating Earth Day this year? I don’t do anything on Earth Day.

What is God teaching you right now? I know He’s been using these past several years, especially this past year, to teach me a lot. I have many things to work on and things I needed my eyes open to. I think He’s also been building our relationship. I admittedly have been distant and fallen off track, but I really want to get back. 

What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I don’t have a connection to it. 

Are you prophetic? No.

What is something you miss from your past? So many things. My childhood, especially. 

Are you beating yourself up about a stupid decision you made? Oh hunny, only all the time.  

What's the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? Ugh, but there’s so many. Definitely the stupid decisions I made and the decisions I never made at all and just ignored instead. 

What's your favorite version of the Bible to read? If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? The NIV.

When was the last time you went to church? I haven’t physically been to one since 2016. I had been attending the livestreams, thought, for awhile. I slacked off this past year and I’m actually really upset about it it’s something I need to change soon.

Do you surrender to Christ every morning? I need to start my mornings talking to Jesus. 

What's the last song you listened to on repeat? The new Barbie song with Nicki Minaj. 

Have you ever smoked weed, and if yes, did you like it? Yeah and yes. I stopped doing any of that stuff back In 2013 and only got back into it a few months ago. I wanted to try it and see if it’d help the health related issues I have, especially anxiety. I will say my method of choice is the tablets. 

Do you have any big regrets in your past? I have many big regrets. 

If you've ever talked to a counselor, did it help? Mehhh, a little but honestly not much. I really didn’t feel I gained much from it. Granted, that was my first counselor and I know it can take multiple times to find the right fit for you. Perhaps I should look again. Does your town's hospital have a good reputation? Yeah.

What is your hometown known for? Nothing good. My city is shit.

What is your hometown's symbol? --

Who do you miss from your past? I miss several people from my past.

Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? Not anymore.

What's your greatest longing? Ugh, to get better and be able to get out of this damn bed and actually go somewhere. I need a vacationnnnn.

Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, "this isn't true"? If so, what do you do when that happens? No.

What are you behind on? Life.

Is there someone who's stolen from you and never got caught? I don’t think so.

Do you wish you could talk about spiritual things with someone? No.

When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? My mom and I have a lot of those.

How long has it been since you weren't lonely? I’m not physically lonely too much, it’s more so emotionally I guess. Just being stuck in my own damn head all the time.

Have you been lonely for most of your life? I’ve definitely felt that way.

What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have a sleeping bag.

When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? I used one we used to have one winter when it was shockingly super duper cold. It was wild and I loved it.

Do you prefer to sleep under the stars or in a tent? I prefer to sleep inside on my bed.

Do you live near the woods? No.

What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I don’t dress up for Halloween anymore. I stopped doing that years ago.

List five things people have been jealous of you for. Uh, nothing???

List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. I mean, I feel envy for those who appear to be happy and in decent health and are able to take fun trips all the time and have a fun social life. I don’t have any of that and yeah, it’d definitely be nice. 

Do you start to feel jealous of someone after they've hurt you? I don’t think so.

Does your astrological sign match up to your personality? No. I’m so opposite of a Leo.

Which bugs do you hate the most? ALL BUGS.

What is your favorite shade of brown? Coffee brown.

Do people tell you you look sick when you wear a certain color? If yes, what color? No, just based on my overall appearance in general. 

Do you find yourself exhausted much of the time? All of the time.

Do you find that people call you lazy, even though you're always exhausted? I call myself lazy even though I know I have things getting in the way and making it much harder to do things and I don’t have the energy or motivation to do them.

What color is your toilet seat? White

Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? A house.

What's one thing you had growing up that you miss now? I miss being a kid and just playing Barbies for hours and hours, no cares in the world. 

List three ways in which you are a hippie. I’m not.

Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Spinach.

[hours2hours]

THE HAWKINS PARADOX: CHAPTER FIVE

Joel

Our feet hang off the edge of Annie’s roof, which overlooks the whole town. A joint in my hand and a cigarette in her’s, smoke wisps from her agape mouth. It’s about 6:30 in the morning, the sun just beginning to rise. I didn’t sleep, and was relieved to discover Annie couldn’t either. Though it isn’t as common, Annie still has her fair share of sleepless nights.

The morning is cold without wind, and the view from Annie’s roof is stunning. Her home stands at the peak of Matlock’s rolling hills, a two story building with a flat roof. A perfect spot for stargazing, smoking, or some time alone. 

Annie hits play again, pausing just as the arms reach out of the woods and grab Mateo. “This is wild, how did you get this?”

“Miles knew the code to Mateo’s phone and I guess no one else did. The night he went missing he and Miles were filming some art project.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah.”

She watches the rest of the video again, breezing past the odd lights Miles noticed earlier. 

“How’d Miles take it?”

“Exactly how you’d think. Now he’s sure his brother is dead.”

“I’m convinced too,” Annie replies.

“He’s really messed up, I dunno what to do.”

“You don’t need to do anything. There’s nothing you can do unless you wanna find the body for him.”

“I just wanna make him feel better, but I’m next to useless.”

She inhales a drag from her cigarette and looks at me. “Well, you know what you’d do if I were in his shoes.”

“Can’t imagine throwing Miles on a b&e would help.”

“If he’s terrified he can’t be sad,” She giggles then lays down on her back, I do the same. “Plus, you do have your own killer to find. Maybe you help him by letting him help you.”

Lost in thought I puff my joint. “Don’t you find that strange? Two killers out here at once?”

She only shrugs, “All the more reason to take him then. If you’re lucky it’ll be a two birds one stone situation.”

Trying to laugh, I again find myself sinking deeper into thoughts of revenge. Followed always by the image of my poor dog, his sad face crusted with blood and pain. It seems impossible to live in a reality where someone so evil gets away scot-free. 

 But Annie doesn’t need to hear it, my jaw remains silently clenched, crushing filter. “Alright, we’ll go tonight if he’s up for it.”

“Sounds like a plan bro. Meet you at the arcade after, Otto insists we check out the new machine.”

“He’s still dragging you on dates?”

“C’mon, he knows it’s not gonna happen. We’re just hanging out as friends.”

The sky has shifted from muted pinks and oranges to a more consistent shade of blue. There are no clouds in the sky, and I wonder if my life really could be at stake here. If someone is willing to kill a dog just to humiliate me, who’s to say they won’t go farther? How do I know they’re not just waiting until I let my guard down?

“I hope we can help Miles. Even if it is in our own fucked up way,” I say eventually. Annie steals the joint from my fingers and opens her mouth to speak, but pauses. “Are you ever gonna tell him that you’re ga-”

Staring down with furious eyes I interrupt. “I don’t wanna talk about that. Don’t even say it.”

“Easy man, was just curious. Am I still the only person you’ve told?”

“Yep,” I sigh. “And I’m gonna keep it that way.”

Through the generations of living removed from real civilisation, Matlock Beach has grown well past cultish in its religion. Featuring two churches within three kilometers and dozens of families who’ll accept nothing but the word of their bible. Even Annie finding out was a fluke. If only I hadn’t been so drunk that night, if Annie didn’t have to walk me home.

“Not even your sister?”

I steal back the joint, inhale another puff. “No. Just drop it.”

***

When the clock strikes eight I’m out the door before my boss can say a word. Miles agreed to meet me after work, though it took some coercing to get him out of his room. It was strange actually, his answer was a definitive “no” until a sudden change of heart midday. 

On my way up to the door I spot him through the window. He holds a pencil in his right hand and a coffee in his left. French Vanilla Latte I’d suspect. He’s staring off into space, twirling the pencil in his fingers and mouthing the words to whatever music he’s listening to. I walk through the door where the smell of espresso warmly greets my nose. The Cafe is small, but it’s atmosphere can’t be beat anywhere in town. The seats are soft, the tables are always cleaned right away, and there’s a little fireplace in the center, selling the cozy feeling with it’s digital crackling of wood. It’s no surprise this is where Miles would work.

 Once he sees me on the way to his table, Miles takes off his earbuds and neatly places a small stack of white papers inside the sketchbook.

“I’ve been doing some thinking,” he says right off the bat. “When you reminded me of your dog this morning at school, it made me wonder: how do we know the things happening to us aren’t connected?”

I decide not to let him in on the conversation Annie and I had. “I’m listening,” I reply. 

 Miles continues, “I did some digging, found out Matlock Beach has an messy history compared to other settlements in the area. In the 1800s there were a series of disappearances, lots of kids, but lots of animals were found too, mutilated. Some even said their blood had gone completely black. There’s old stories of something infecting the forest and the lake.”

“You think some weirdo’s mimicking the old killings?”

“Maybe, but its beside the point. What are the odds of a place like this having two killers at once?”

“But Toby was meant to hurt me specifically. What would this person have against Mateo?”

“I don’t know. But two horrible deaths in the same month can’t be coincidence in a place like this. Can they?”

What Miles is saying makes sense, but his theory only brews more bad theories. Could Mateo have been my fault? If I did something that made someone snap does that mean I’m responsible his death? “You’d be surprised at how many lunatics live in this cult town… But yer probably right. That’s why you changed your mind about coming?”

“That’s right.” The brown’s of his eyes are dilated and his eyebrows show determination instead of fear now. Have I been looking at them for too long?

The expression disappears when his eyes refocus on the door behind me.

“Don’t look,” he whispers and lowers his head. “Maybe he won’t notice us.”

“Who?” I whisper.

Then a stomach twisting giggle. “Jesus Christ aren’t you adorable?” Aaron slides into my side of the booth, thick cheeks creased into a grin. 

Fuck.

“Room for a third?” He winks at Miles, expression draining into anxiety.

“Piss off,” I hiss.

“We’re busy,” Miles grumbles, frustrated but polite.

“Remember when you used to look into my eyes like that?” Aaron stretches his arms and plops his feet right next to my hands. They’re wrapped in tight skinny jeans and dusted with white powder. Doughnuts or cocaine? Either outcome fit. “I was only wondering if you had an update on that killer.” He takes a sip of Miles’s coffee and raises both brows at him. “Either one.”

Smacking both hands on the table I reply, “You’ve got no business in this. We got what we needed out of you, but if you’re askin’ for another round then be my guest.”

“You’d figure I should be the one pissed,” Aaron snaps back. “You should be begging for my forgiveness, Hawkins.” Miles’s face turns to worry as my fists clench by my sides. He knows how much I hate the last name.

“It’ll be a cold day in hell the day I ask for your forgiveness.”

“Good, cause you aren’t getting it.”

“Can we relax, please?” Miles interjects. “It’s been a rough few days.”

“What an excellent idea my lifelong pal.” Aaron’s tone and posture change like nothing happened. “Honestly, I’ve been bored. I wanna see how this is gonna play out, and I know you’re planning something exciting.”

“Like I said, none of your business,” I snarl.

“Well gee, sorry,” Aaron says. “Guess I’m not welcome here then, I just wanted to check in with my buddies.” He smirks maliciously. Aaron takes his legs off the table and stands, finishing off Miles’s coffee without a word of protest. “See you in class Miles, and good luck finding your murderer!” He waves him off without a glance at me.

“What a piece of shit!”

Miles reaches for the center of the table. “He’s just trying to get to you.”

“I know. I wish he didn’t make me so angry but he does. He’s been doin’ this shit since ninth grade. Probably the one responsible anyway, asshole came to taunt me about it I bet.”

Miles eyes his empty coffee cup with a tinge of disgust, tosses it in the garbage can behind. “If he’s involved, he could have come to see if his hint led us anywhere.”

“Probably made the whole thing up, then he came here just to mock me.” I turn to the window beside us, at my reflection in the glass.

“We don’t know that, though.”

“S’pose we’ll find out.”

“Speaking of, when’s Annie supposed to be here?”

“She said ten minutes fifteen ago. Wants to meet us at the arcade.”

The downtown arcade is only a few doors down from the cafe, a grimy building built into a an old garage. I may have some vague memories of visiting as a kid, but Ruby and I were so scared going by ourselves. These days it’s a building I usually forget, like the bank or post office. It’s a dark contrast to the bright cafe, but the kids feverishly smacking the controls don’t seem to mind.

Annie hasn’t noticed Miles and I in the entrance yet, far too occupied with losing. Otto stands in the booth next to her, hitting his third 50 pointer in a row, Annie bows her head in shame.

“Okay okay, one more game, I think I’m getting the hang of it,” she says. “How’re you so good at this already?”

“It’s just math, maybe we should get back to studying.”

Annie snorts, words oozing with sarcasm, “That so? If math is gonna solve everything how about you calculate why my mom is such a stuck up b- HEY JOEL, HEY MILES.” She waves fanatically

Otto’s eyes drift away as they always do when he’s flustered, I don’t know what was so embarrassing, but he seems to know that it’s time to go. I nod my head toward the exit when Annie asks us to wait outside.

The stainless steel table and chairs are cold against my skin under the purple twilight, but it isn’t long before Annie rolls out of the building on her skateboard. She kicks it into her hands and lights a smoke.

“Just be safe Annie.” Otto shoots me a hard glance while he says this.

“Yeah, I’m hanging out with our friends not snorting meth,” she jokes. When out of earshot she adds, “Never again.”

“I’ll see you guys later,” Otto waves us off before planting his hands in his pockets.

“You don’t want a ride home?” I offer, thumb gesturing at my truck. “Or a sweater maybe?”

“That’s okay,” he waves us off and starts towards home. 

“See ya later,” Miles waves before Otto disappears into the dark.

***

Some part of me waited for Miles to change his mind, but its more than a relief that he hasn’t. Maybe we can finally get his mind off his brother for a minute. I know for a fact that Aaron showing up didn’t help, and I can only hope he isn’t losing it like I would in his place. He sits in the back seat, anxiously picking his fingers. On my right Annie scans the place, finding exits where possible, searching for blind spots from windows and cameras. Planning is Annie’s specialty, while I work best thinking on my toes. We brought masks and steakout supplies if we need to wait out a manager. This includes a backpack full of snacks, weed, flashlights, crowbar, and a pair of binoculars. Just the essentials.

Annie flicks her cigarette out the window, “You boys ready for a break-in if needed?”

“I dunno,” Miles shifts uncomfortably. “Maybe you guys should do that part without me.”

“Relax,” Annie turns in her seat to face him with a comforting smile. “You think we were perfect our first go around? Of course not, but we had each others backs, and that’s all you really need.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” I say. “Let’s see if we can go the safe route first.”

“Just want the newbie to be prepared.”

“Let’s just go,” I open the door.

We walk to the door of the place. It’s far dumpier than even the restaurants and shops in downtown Matlock. Rumour has it the place has been going bankrupt for years, not many tourists on the outskirts I suppose. Opening the door, a familiar voice greets me.

“Sup Hawkins, been a while.”

Staring me in the face is Wendy Anson, the girl I sent to juvie and our prime suspect. She’s smiling and picking the chicken wings from her teeth.

“Uh, hey Wendy. Long time no see.”

“I’ll say, jail was a blast.”

Annie looks at me nervously. It’s unclear whether this is meant as a genuine joke or not. There’s almost no way she could tie me to her bust. The only person I ever told at the time was Annie, and there’s no way she’d rat me out. My report to the cops was anonymous, and no one saw me enter or leave the house, I went through great measures to make sure of that.

“Anyways, what’re y’all ordering?” She picks up a notepad and pen, glancing up at us from under her black hat with those evil brown eyes. A fake gold chain circles her neck, though you know she’ll brag to everyone that it’s real.

“Glad to see you got out okay,” I say casually. 

“Right, I’m sure you were counting the days. Now could ya hurry up? Last call is in four minutes.”

Annie steps past me and puts her hands on the table. “Nice to see you and all, we’re not here for food. Someone’s been fucking with Joel and you might have caught whoever it was on that security camera you have in the back, we wanted to know if you’d let us take a look.”

“We just got that thing to catch whatever was banging around out back. Raccoons, by the way, who’d’ve guessed,” She rolls her eyes.

“Could we just take a look anyways?” I ask. “It’ll only take a second.”

“Hang on a minute,” Wendy sighs. She exits down a hallway to her right. A door creaks open and a voice speaks. It’s too far and the kitchen is too noisy to make out what they’re saying, but when Wendy appears back at the counter she says “Afraid I can’t help.”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Seems the manager hates your guts Hawkins, best of luck to you though.”

“Could’ya please just try again? For a friend?”

Wendy snorts, “My hands are tied, I’d keep asking but I’m getting outta here. Got some real business to get to. If you’re interested, you know where to find me.” 

Fists clench at my side, jaw tense, Annie glares at me. Just as I open my mouth to give wendy a piece of my mind Annie drags me outside by the hem of my shirt. “Hey!” I object.

“Not worth it bro, let’s go.” 

“Catch ya later,” Wendy calls as I’m dragged away like a child misbehaving in the mall.

I yank her hand away, “Was that necessary? God.”

“Apparently. We can’t rob the place if you assault their staff.”

“Why do you just assume I’m going to assault her?”

“Because that’s usually how you deal with things,” she replies.

Miles covers his mouth, suppressing that giggle he does when he wants to laugh but knows he shouldn’t. A smile creeps at my lips but I go along with it.

“Real funny huh? How’d you like it if I dragged you around like a little kid?”

“We’d all love to see that but we need to go back to the car, now.” Annie interrupts. “If we’re seen hanging around this place we’ll look even more suspicious.”

When we all hop back in my car Miles speaks, “Well that’s it right?”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“We can’t break in there, she’ll know it was us for sure.”

He has a point. If we go break in there tonight there’s no doubt Wendy will know it was us, with anyone else this would be a serious issue.

“We’re gonna be just fine.”

Annie props her elbow on my shoulder from the back seat, intrigued. “Oh?” A beat. “Ooooh.”

I shift into reverse and leave the parking lot, driving down the gravel road towards town but making a right through the grassy ditch into a field. 

“Long story short ninth grade was wild. Wendy hates rats. Remember when Jake called in a bomb threat to ditch an exam?” 

“Oh I remember,” Annie replies. “Lua ratted and got him expelled.”

“And what did the rat-hater Wendy Anson do? Set their car on fire. Ratting is no joke to her.”

“And you still got her arrested?” Miles asks.

“For being a money hungry psycho bitch, yeah.”

I take the long route to the train tunnel, all the way to the end of the field slightly into the forest, hidden just in case things go south.

“So,” Miles starts. “Your plan is to once again rat on the one who will kill you for ratting?”

“Not at all. I’m long past playing tattletale.” 

“So what are you going to do then?” He asks.

“I’m gonna make sure she never hurts anyone again. I’m going to do somethin’ about it. Are you?” 

“Well what exactly are you planning on doing about it?” Miles asks.

“I’m gonna make this asshole pay for it.”

“By hurting them? How will that fix anything?”

“Don’t need it to fix anything.”

“So what does that mean? Do you want to kill someone they love? You wanna beat them to a pulp like Aaron? Cause that worked so well?”

“God, I’m not going to fucking kill anyone! Why does everyone have to assume-?” I realize too late what this argument does to me. I wipe my eyes and unbuckle my seatbelt. “You don’t need to come with me.”

The night sky is brightly illuminated by the near full moon, and the wind is light. The space beside the tunnel is an area of tall unkempt grass stretching across the field to the wooded horizon. It rises up to my waist, but almost covers my body when I sit against the rocky wall. The night’s peaceful, it was nights like these I’d sometimes spend with my dog. Let him run around in the grass and throw stuff for him to chase. Sometimes he’d come back with a mouse or bird he killed. Others were disgusted, but I knew he just wanted to help me in his own way.

Miles arrives shortly, he sits close and tucks his knees into his chest. I look at his face in the moonlight, his curly brown hair sways slightly in the wind, and his rounded features cast hazy shadows in his face. He looks away from me and starts plucks grass to twirl around his finger. “I shouldn’t have said that. I know you’d never kill anyone.”

“Sorry I yelled,” I say. “People have a tendency to assume the worst in me. But… there’s a reason for that.”

“I understand why you’re angry, I’m angry too. This person will take responsibility for what they’ve done.” Miles’s eyes meet mine. “Do you want to tell me about him?”

“Before you an’ Annie I had no one. He was just a dog but he was someone, and…” I trail off. Opening up isn’t something I’m used to, and it feels really wrong for some reason. School counselors and self-help posters at school say talking about it should feel good. On the rare occasion I get to it, something just sinks into the bottom of my stomach, I only want to curl up into a ball and never speak again. It was easier venting to a dog because I could talk and talk and he’d never be burdened by my problems. “I miss him. And I can’t stand the thought of the piece of crap who did it walking around without a care. Makes my damn blood boil.”

“You have every right to be angry, but hurting them isn’t going to solve anything.”

“I have to do something.”

Annie tosses black fabric in my face before I even notice her approach. “And we will,” she says. “We’re gonna try and find them tonight, then give ‘em to the piggies.” She lobs the hockey mask at Miles’s but it ends up hitting him in the face. “And we’re going to do it without getting caught in the first place.” I unfold the fabric and find my bandana, I can’t help but smile.

“Thanks Annie.”

“No amount of violence will stop me from helping you.”

I laugh and look at Miles. “You really don’t have to come if you don’t want to, we get it.”

Miles’s replies without hesitation. “Maybe there’s a risk, but there’s a good shot this person is involved with Mateo somehow. I’m coming.”

“Fuck yeah!” Annie exclaims, pulling us both off the ground into a tight hug. The comforting smell of orange shampoo fills my nose, and the negative feelings dissolve for a fleeting moment.

[randomlyritchie]

Notes on Fasting

Sooo, one night I was praying & venting out my frustrations to God. When I was done, I opened up my phone & saw a man talking about fasting. Let me just be very honest & tell you that your girl right here is not all about fasting. It has nothing to do with a lack a food. Fasting is not always about giving up food. It’s just about giving up something & committing that time to God. When I was younger, our church used to have a fast that we would call P.U.S.H. This stood for ‘Pray Until Something Happens.’ This is where I first learned that fasting does not always mean turning down your plate. We were required to give up something that we liked & replace it with time with God.

I think what lead me away from fasting was the fact that I started to feel like I would fail at it. I can remember reading this book in my early 20s about fasting from dating (I mean, it wasn’t really a fast as I just wasn’t dating anyway). But it was like you were supposed to close yourself down for 6 months & be ‘under construction’ in an attempt to be rebuilt & ready for your husband. Even writing this makes me cringe. Not because I don’t think that some of that principle is true. But me, my friend, & I’m sure many other Christian women thought this was just going to bring us our Prince. The author was on Oprah, so it was pretty big. I just don’t really care for single books all that much anymore. I just don’t think that women should be sooo focused on seeking out a man. You have to wait for God’s timing…& no one really knows when this is. It’s been about 20 years now…& I’m still not married. At the time, 6 months just seemed like too long to do what I felt was required. I honestly think it was that experience that made me feel like I was bad at fasting. Because looking back, I fasted a couple of times after that. But every time I think about fasting, I always go back to that time period in my mind & don’t want to do it.

The thing is, I want to grow more with God. I decided that instead of taking on some huge fasting goal, I would start small. I decided to fast from my phone for 1 hour. In this time, I had to be praying, reading my Bible, or writing to God. If I went longer than an hour, that was fine. It just had to be an hour at the very least. Last night, I fell asleep before eating dinner, so I decided that this morning would be perfect. No food & no phone until I did an hour with God. I’m proud to say that I did it. And I want you to know that in the midst of it, something even went haywire at my place. It just made me feel like it was the forces of darkness trying to come for me because I was winning the fasting battle. I had to stop to make a call to report the issue… but I still prayed through it all. I still made my hour. I think it’s important to spend time with God to really seek him on life. Because this life can be one big illusion & it’s so easy to get caught up in the wrong way of thinking.

I know that what I am fasting for right now is wisdom & strength. I feel like we are going into a new year & I just want to know how to proceed. There are also questions that I don’t necessarily have the answers for. I need God to show me what the right decision is. I need God’s strength just to get through my life. To have better faith. To be able to do the things He wants me to do. To have a greater discernment. I’m kind of at this place where I don’t exactly know what to pray for, or what to want. What’s real & what is illusion? I just need to know how to move forward. I’m not saying that I will fast everyday. But I definitely at least want to strive for once a week. I just want to get the most out of my life as I can. I just want God to get all the use out of me that He’s supposed to. So, I hope this can help me. For me, a lot of what I do is just to be able to complete the journey before me. These spiritual practices are to strengthen me to be my best self. If you would like to try fasting, start small. I would also say to come from a pure place as well. There are many places where people are made to feel like they need to have this transactional relationship with God. I’m not gonna say, it’s not about getting something from Him. But having a pure, surrendered heart will make it easier to see where you are truly supposed to be. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾