#i don’t really get crushes on people irl but i figure you never know so i don’t cancel out that possibility on my mind

[driftwooddestiel]

irrationally long ramble about my past orientation thoughts below be warned ‼️

what’s really fun is i vividly remember feeling immense dread and fear at the idea i could possibly have a crush on anyone anytime i felt that way as a child, even tho not a single person ever communicated to me that that would be remotely bad & i’d been exposed to queer stuff since i was little so i didn’t exactly have much conditioning in that regard. and like when i was like . 8 it would’ve been perceived fully by others as me having a straight crush? and yet i still found the concept absolutely horrifyingly scary. like what was up with that why was i so scared 😭

& then there’s one of my strongest memories which is lying in bed age 10 panicking because i had a gay little crush on a [fictional character? celebrity? other? don’t know how to describe it but not someone i could possibly know irl] but i of course didn’t want to and i felt SO HORRIBLE i can still feel the absolute dread and fear and sickness i felt then. and i proceeded to create the most convoluted explanations for why it WASNT a crush, actually, i just admired their skills and was over-reacting …. i was so deep in denial man 😭 and whenever i’m watching or reading smth about repressed characters denying their sexuality or w/e and i start thinking “oh please they can’t be THAT deep in denial” i pause and go . hang on. remember that incident. they absolutely could be that deep in denial . the mind of someone petrified about liking somebody is a powerful thing

[crguang]

Okay so I know this might not be your usual ask to receive but I kind of wanted to say something here.

To be clear I am straight.... Or so I thought?

A few weeks ago I discovered a post of yours; the post being the love language fic and at that time I had no idea what Honkai star rail is but for some reason I had to read it.

It blew my mind away.

It was like opening a door that was locked deep inside my brain. I quickly became enamored to the character Himeko. So much so I played the game lol. I don’t know how to describe the feeling but it’s like, my stomach turns and my heart clenches just the thought of the red head. There’s more to the feeling but sadly I’m no writer and English is not my first language…. (I had to pull out an English dictionary.)

All my life I’ve been straight. I dated twice and it was all guys. But they were assholes. I remembered the first guy, he was nice at first but after 3 weeks he wanted someone more prettier. I think I felt a twinge of pain but that was just about it. I thought I would be bawling my eyes out like in romance movies. The second was something I don’t remember clearly. I fell out of love for him and he hated me for that. I felt bad but to be fair he was narcissistic.

Anyways, I read more of your fics and everytime I read a Himeko one, my brain turns to mush. She looks and sounds so gentle and at the same time looks so divine! If she offered me her coffee I will gladly accept it and kiss her. Oh to be loved by a sun goddess.

I’m kind of rambling now. I’m sorry it’s so long. I had to get this out of my chest somehow. I don’t know if this is a phase or not. I’ve never experienced something like this before and definitely not for a fictional character.

Can I ask for some advices please? I’m sorry if it’s too much, you can just ignore this.

this is sooo adorable, i’m so flattered that my writing has made you feel something you’ve never experienced before, even more so that it’s something so beautiful. don’t worry about your English, i understand you completely. i love that Himeko can make you a little giddy, she’s definitely a sweetheart!!! i’m also sorry that the men you’ve dated were such assholes, you deserve better and i’m glad that they can no longer affect you.

i can only really speak of my experience here, but i realized i liked women when i read fics as well. i’d read about natasha romanoff and harley quinn (i was a superhero nerd😞) and it’s after the twentieth fic that i went, “wait, why am i reading about dating girls?” it was done very subconsciously because i never approached the matter again, it felt normal and natural to me despite my upbringing and what was hard was figuring out if i liked men at all. i’d have favourite male fictional characters that i’d tell myself i would marry if they were real (not true) or have celebrity “crushes” that i’d tell myself i would date (nuh huh) but the common denominator— except lying to myself— was that these people were all inaccessible to me. when i was faced with men irl, i felt nothing. when i tried dating apps, i’d never swipe right and only feel icky at the thought of a man touching me.

all that to say that if you imagine yourself kissing and dating a woman, it might mean something more. it’s not a definite answer, and honestly it depends how you feel about women in real life too. you can have crushes on fictional characters and feel nothing irl, i have lesbian friends who swoon over some male characters but they’d never be with a man. for me, reading reader insert fics about women meant that i wanted to date them. for you, it might mean something different. i would say not to panic about it, you can find yourself at your own pace and not to judge the questions you ask yourself or the conclusion you come to. whether you just like men, or women, or everyone— it’s a beautiful thing and you shouldn’t feel anxious or nervous about figuring that out. thank you for sharing this with me, i’m really happy that you wanted to talk to me about it and never apologize for rambling, this is a safe space!!!!

wishing you all the best 🫶🏾

[knockyasocksoff2022]

Theory: Poe was the leader of Gelhart Security Services before his defeat to Ranpo and subsequent isolation.

(A/N: sorry if the grammar is terrible or the theory doesn’t make sense i just had this thought really suddenly and wanted to post it)

So I was reading the Dazai, Chuuya Age Fifteen Light Novel yesterday and something about GSS was mentioned that they didn’t mention in the anime (understandably).

Randou says on page 56: “Mn . . . Brr . . . The currently leader of GSS is a cold calculating skill user.They say he has close ties to the Guild, a top secret North American organisation.”

The book also says, on an earlier page (48) that the drill instructor is an actual soldiers so the members were highly trained fighters.

You may be thinking, “Wait, but that doesn’t sound like Poe-kun at all?”, but I think a lot of people forget he’s a trained sniper. The only question is: how?

The connection to the guild and trained fighters could be two people, either Poe or Twain. However, Twain is hardly cold and calculating, and Poe is the only guild member fluent in Japanese which could be from extensive studying of it because of his crush on I mean rivalry with Ranpo. Or it could be from time spent in Japan, after all he would have needed t communicate with Ranpo in order to challenge him. (And I don’t think Asagiri would give such a cool backstory to such a minor character, sorry Mark.)

It all makes sense. During 15!Arc, Poe would have been 20, and when he was 22 he met Ranpo to challenge him and was then defeated. It was never said where the challenge took place, but given Ranpo attachment to Fukuzawa and the agency as well as inaptitiude for travel (lack of navigation skills) I doubt he would have been in America for any reason, especially since the agency was so new. (It’s true that he could have flown there to accept a challenge that piqued his interested but let’s keep in mind that the agency salary isn’t that much and plane tickets as well as travel in general are expensive.) 

Another thing is that Ranpo is pretty unaware of things around him, even small things like how to use the train (I know I keep using that example, I’m sorry. It’s just the easiest one) So, I doubt he’d have knowledge of things going on abroad, much less knowledge of Poe to call him over to Japan for a challange.

If the challenge took place in Japan where the two just stumbled upon each other, the question is: Why is Poe in Japan in the first place?

I think that he ran away from his adopted home when he was a teen (assuming his early life follows irl Poe’s and his parents died/abandoned him) and went to Japan just to get as far away as he could. (Maybe he was offered a position in Order of The Clock Tower because his adopted parents and him lived in England for four years). He had connections to the Guild, but maybe wasn’t fully part of it yet, or maybe he wanted military experience before he joined an organisation like that (I can’t imagine why, because before the whole book thing it seemed like a country club for skill users.) 

But for whatever reason, Poe joined GSS as a legitimate security officer where he learnt to shoot. He was more healthy then (before his six-year isolation) and even learnt to fight a little, but was a far better marksman than fighter. 

The GSS men did crime jobs on the side for extra cash. Then the subsidies for GSS were cut off and they went full criminal. Somehow, maybe through a job or Poe volunteering the information, they figured out that Poe had a skill. He became important to the company.  And he’s smart so when it came time for a change in leadership they picked him, despite his young age, he has an ability and they respected that.

We’ve seen him be cold and calculating, especially when trying to trap people in his novels or scheme against Ranpo (at first, now he’s just a softie). He dedicated almost a decade to Ranpo’s defeat, so we see his determination and cunning (even if it’s no match for Ranpo’s deductive skills).

The GSS were pirates, nothing too complex and they had no big plans (like Fyodor’s mission to eradicate skill users), they just wanted to steal. So it makes send that someone who maybe isn’t a crazy genius brilliant strategist was leading them.

All in all it makes perfect sense that Poe led up the GSS for a bit.

After GSS’s defeat to Soukoku it probably disbanded, any members not part of that mission who left alive scattered, including Poe. After the fall of his organisation he was left wandering, and out of desperation or boredom he took Ranpo’s challange and after his defeat went, sulking, back to America where he officially joined the Guild, hoping Fitzgerald’s resources could help him defeat Ranpo once and for all.

[kt-the-lee]

so much can change in a year

just a lil positive irl storytime for your thursday evening! it’s a bit of a long read but i really hope it makes someone smile and maybe gives hope or inspiration to people who have ever been in a situation similar to mine <3

a year ago, i had just been broken up with. i won’t go into many details except one important piece of information: she was the only person who knew about The Thing™️.

well, she didn’t FULLY know. she didn’t know about tumblr, and how tickling has been a lifelong, life-defining special interest of mine. as i’m sure many other autistic members of the community will agree, tickling as a special interest is the most wonderful and sacred thing in the world and it just talking about it brings me unmatched joy that i don’t think anything else could, let alone receiving it.

she did not know That much, but she knew the simple fact that i loved being tickled, and because we were both massive physical touch people anyway, tickling me became such a special thing between us two. and i was, of course, absolutely devastated to have lost that.

i was stuck. i was feeling every massive emotion you get with a breakup. i had put all of my energy into this relationship, and had nobody to catch me when i was left alone. this alone was crushing enough, on top of the devastating fact that my special interest would no longer be acknowledged for the forseeable future after becoming so incredinly accustomed to it. i felt lonely, scared, depressed, and had absolutely no idea what my future held.

i wish every single day that i could go back in time and give past-me the biggest hug ever and assure them that everything would get better. not even just better; but the best it’s ever been!

my situation changed a few months after this. i moved out of the town where old memories haunted me, moved into university accommodation and met the most wonderful people walking this earth. very quickly, i realised this would be my journey to healing and that these people would be in my life long-term.

as we all slowly found out everything about each other, i got brave. i started talking loosely about “a special interest”, not revealing what it was initially, but it made everyone insanely curious. this game carried on for a couple of months, of me being a bit mysterious and shy about this part of me, and it became my only remaining secret from this new friend-family i had acquired.

in the meantime, people pretty much figured out on their own that i liked being tickled generally since it was noticed that i never really protested and lowkey subtly encouraged it, one particular incident on my birthday cemented this (i will not tell this story now but perhaps another day👀).

i won’t lie, the more of a mystery this became, the more anxious i got because i knew i’d HAVE to reveal it one day. the same doubts i’ve had my whole life came flooding back: what if they think i’m weird? what if they don’t understand? what if i get burnt at the stake if i admit that i enjoy this and find it interesting? i kept putting it off for as long as i possibly could, every time i got close to telling someone i chickened out because i was just so AFRAID. also, how the hell am i meant to explain this to another person when i can’t even say the word “tickle” out loud???

after debating the best way to actually be able to talk about it, i intended to reveal this special interest in the form of a Special Interest Powerpoint™️: a 20 slide masterpiece (if i do say so myself) documenting everything from the psychology behind tickling, tumblr and it’s terminology, to every single thought and experience i’ve had about tickling ever. i let all of my friends know that a powerpoint had been created and perhaps, if they were lucky, it would be revealed at our next powerpoint night. and so, the game continued, and i put off telling them even further.

until one day, out of the blue, one of my friends GUESSED that tickling was my special interest!! this absolutely FLABBERGASTED me as i realised i clearly wasn’t being as subtle as i thought! she told me that she figured it out because she’s seen how much i enjoy it and that it’s become a recurring thing, so it was a decent guess for my special interest. i also gave a hint awhile ago that this interest was LITERALLY lifelong, for as long as i can remember, so that ruled out many other interest i wear more proudly than this one.

and guess what guys: she was completely fine with it! intitially curious of course, as you would be, but generally just accepted the fact and moved on!

this gave me a small degree of confidence, so i then decided to show the full Special Interest Powerpoint™️ to my bestest best friend one evening. she was the first person to know the FULL extent to what tickling means to me and quite how life-defining it is, AND SHE WAS SO WONDERFUL ABOUT IT. she was so genuinely interested and supportive because she could tell how much this meant to me (i was Shaking while i showed her lol). she then assured me that it wasn’t weird nor as big of a shameful thing as i have made it out to be in my head (as i’m sure most people in the community can relate to), and she just really helped me to get out of my own head with the whole thing.

her perfect reaction to this led me to slowly reveal it to everyone else in my life, and in just under a month i had told every wonderful friend i’ve made about this interest and how much it means to me.

and guess what, everyone else has reacted in the exact same way! people are always curious, interested, been genuine and supportive, and i was even told by one friend that it’s “such a lovely interest to have!”. most importantly, i am always assured by everyone i tell that it was’t as weird or a big deal as i think it is.

and, in less than a year from feeling lonely and devastated about this interest possibly never being acknowledged again, i wore a feather printed shirt to our university end-of-year-prom, which everyone complimented and said “omg this is because of the tickle interest!!!”

this brings us to today: i can openly talk about my most sacred special interest as much as i like, i also get tickled on the regular now because people know it’s a thing that brings me unparalleled joy, and for the first time in my life i feel fully authentic, known, accepted, and loved.

so, to my fellow lees, lers, switches, members of the tickle

community. this is your sign. you are not weird or wrong for having this interest, you belong and you are so loved. and, if circumstances are right, this is your sign to tell the people in your life. because i know from firsthand experience people will find it interesting and, dare i say, adorable <3

[doukeshi-kun]

Hey! I’m not sure if this falls into the “personal questions” category, if so, feel free to ignore this ask, and I’m sorry in advance!

You don’t have to get personal and speak about yourself at all, I’ve just been very clueless lately, about whether or not I might be aromantic. I’d say I’m pretty emotional and I do love, but the how romance is portrayed, and the idea of a “typical” romantic relationship has always seemed so shallow and meaningless to me. And I get second hand embarrassment from other people’s romantic relationships irl and in the media. And I can’t really tell platonic and romantic love apart, to me, romantic love is just love paired with sexual attraction (and sometimes it’s like super cringe too.)

I do crave connection with people who are “more special” to me than just friends, but I just don’t know if I’d call that romance, and I’ve never had a crush either. What would you consider the best way to feel less confused about this feeling of mine?

i'm actually happy to talk about aroace stuff because i know i won't be able to talk about it freely irl lmao. this is a bit long!

aromantic doesn't mean you're 100% not having any sort of romantic attraction towards someone—it generally means having little to no romantic attraction. besides, there are a lot more identities fall under the aromantic umbrella like grayromantic and demiromantic. i suggest you to read more into these identites if you're feeling conflicted and having those 'jumps' in your attraction.

these are all my opinions and experiences 👇 yours might differ bcs each human is unique to their own :)

i don't really want to get too personal here... but like a few years ago, there's this person whom i really wanted to befriend and i'm only ever interested in the idea of becoming his friend. however, people around me were taking my interest as something romantic and started shipping us together into a couple. it icked me so so badly because i knew i would enjoy being his friend but not his partner. i like the thought of being friends and that was it. that is all. no romantic relationship or anything. i have no desire to do romantic things with him, i have no desire to evolve the friendship or anything, i don't even like him romantically.

for me, that was my discovery of platonic attraction. i knew i wanted to form a friendship, and that was it. nothing more. i think the biggest sign that i feel stromgly that i'm aro is that i don't remember having a crush and i don't feel the need to pursue a relationship with someone else. like once someone started to make flirty comment on me irl, i'm repulsed by it.

i honestly don't know how exactly to describe romance or romantic feelings, mainly because i only perceive romance through medias and not through myself. i become sure i don't feel romantic attraction because i know how it feels to have platonic attraction and aesthetic attraction. i just don't know how it feels to have romantic attraction because well, i don't experience that, how would i know tsksgdjsjs💀

a lot of my friends are in relationships and when i listen to their experiences of anything like that, i could not relate at all. sometimes i'm like "why and how do you guys feel that way" or like "do you HAVE to be in a relationship with them? is it even necessary? is there any difference between being their friends and partner?"

there are more varieties of relationships that could be formed with someone whom you regard as "more special". romantic relationship isn't the only relationship —there are queerplatonic relationship as well. for me, relationship is basically having your intimate needs to be met lol

i really understand the confusion and the feeling of alienation when facing a romantic relationship irl. we're stuck in a world where everyone is into someone and someone is into everyone. the best way that i could think of to deal with this confusion is for you to figure out what kind of attraction you're feeling towards someone you happen to be interested with, be it for any reason really—because at least you can be certain about how some attractions feel like.

[ciaossu-imagines]

Hi ! I'm really enjoying your blog, i'm kind of amazed at how much you're able to write !

I'm super happy to see you writing for K tbh !

Love all about it ^^

Soo, um- first ask from me !

(I don't need to say it maybe but take your time, irl first then the rest can follow)

I was wondering how Kusanagi would try to date a friend he has known for some years, without any kind of romantic feelings between them before-

And.. his crush possibly is kind of avoiding him because they're overhelmed-

(They have dated only one person before)

But they want to date him

And in the end they do end up dating ^^

(I know it's a bit specific djjdjdjjdkd)

Thank you so much in advance ^^

Take care !

((Idk how to end this message))

You're great !

I’m so glad to hear you’re enjoying the blog, my dear! Thank you so much for the compliments and for sending in the request! Specific is good, so don’t even worry about that. The more specific an ask, the easier it is to know what exactly to write. Thanks again for sending this in and I hope you’ll enjoy the headcanons 😊

Okay, so just playing this scenario out in my head, I feel this old friend of Kusanagi’s is someone he would have met during his school years, possibly high school or even university, though I lean more towards them having met in high school.

I know you said there’s been no romantic feelings between them before, but I can’t really see that entirely. I feel like this was a situation where Kusanagi would have had a silent crush on them during a time when they didn’t feel the same way towards him at all, so he did nothing to act on it. And they probably had a couple times where they kind of developed a little crush on him, but at that point, he wasn’t into them at all or was in another relationship, so his friend never acted on those feelings and did their best to get over it. It was a case of timing never matching up and really, to the both of them, their friendship was the main priority. While Kusanagi is charming and charismatic and does draw people to him, does make lots of friendly acquaintances, he makes very few true friends so when he does, those friendships do mean something to him.

While the both of them would have had feelings during their school years, just at different times, when Kusanagi went to university, which I feel he did abroad and at a really prestigious school, the both of them really did figure that it was never going to happen between them and both of them really set those feelings aside and worked past them. His friend got into their one relationship they’ve had, and as we all know Kusanagi has somewhat of a reputation as a womanizer.

Now, Kusanagi is someone who is really naturally very flirtatious. He doesn’t even mean anything by it, doesn’t actually have romantic intentions or even strong attractions to some of the people he flirts with. Flirting is just really fun to him; it’s amusing and enjoyable. And it’s likely that he’ll playfully flirt with his friend, and they’ve gotten so used to it and really don’t think he means anything by it.

And that’s before he even experiences those romantic feelings and that crush on his friend return.

It works against him in a way. When he does realize he’s seeing his friend as someone he wants to date, someone he seriously wants to be with, it’s going to take him a little bit to really process those feelings. He has to decide if he wants to potentially ruin that friendship, he has to decide if he feels they’re at all into him in return. And part of how he’s always learned to figure that out is by flirting. So, he’s flirting more with that friend than before, taking it to a new level than his previous flirting. He’ll tease them about how, when they’re out doing things and hanging out, how much fun he’s having on their ‘dates’. And because his friend is so used to him being a flirt and having that penchant for teasing someone because it amuses him, they’re not making anything of it. They don’t assume it means he’s into them.

But it does bother them on some level, because they’re also starting to feel that resurgence of their old crush on him. The flirting makes them feel so nice, but at the same time, it kind of hurts them in a way because they really want him to be saying those things to them seriously and instead they’re certain that he’s just being his usual playful self and isn’t into them at all.

It’s kind of a lot for his friend, honestly. They’re dealing with all these emotions and because Kusanagi is trying a little more seriously this time to act on his feelings, he’s being more flirty, he gives more compliments, he starts touching them more, starts taking them out more one on one or asking them on ‘dates’ and they take it as him playing around and it fucks with their mind and their feelings and so they start to avoid him a little, which makes Kusanagi assume they’re not into him at all, even when they are.

It’s not going to be a quick solution or an easy one. Kusanagi has some stubbornness to him, he’s not easily going to cave and admit feeling the way he does towards someone who is giving him all these signs that they’re not at all into him. And his friend is really struggling with their own feelings and it’s going to be a little waiting game to see who makes that next move and it really is going to have to be Kusanagi’s friend, even in subtle ways.

If they start giving him hints that they might be experiencing the same romantic intentions, that’s really all he needs because without them giving him some kind of hint as to their feeling, some positive reactions to his putting out feelers, it’s really going to go back to those ‘well, they don’t feel the same, time to finally get over this and just go back to being friends’.

If there’s enough positive reactions to both of them subtly flirting and feeling each other out, to low-key dating each other, then I can see there being that surety that will let Kusanagi have that conversation that confirms that they’re a couple and exclusive.

[itsmarsss]

long-ass big-ass self-ship ramble ahead this is your warning i am so sorry LMAO so i may or may not be planning to write somewhat of a series (smut included) at some point for blitz x my hellhound sinner oc who's like hella sensitive n shy n like- overthinks n all that but she's very sweet sound like any ask requests you've gotten recently? and SUUUUUUCH a people-pleaser it's insane she ends up working as his assistant at one point but it's mostly doing the paperwork no one else bothers to do and figures out that she has literally never been more attracted to anybody than she has him and they're good friends n shit n work well together otherwise BUT THE THING IS!!! back on earth before she died, she only ever really had one irl relationship and then the rest were online/long-distance, none of them ended well and it kinda gave her a fear of loneliness/being alone and also a MASSIVE need to please people so they'll stay n all this shit and also this whole like- idk she grew up watching disney movies and believing in magic n true love n now it's like she can't stop thinking about it and being in love and,,, idk it's kinda like true love is her endgame to the point she gets a little self-destructive about it ANYWAY but her love languages are physical affection and gifts so having a crush irl. something like this, in real life- she's fucking beside herself like even a mere pat on the head brings tears to her eyes but he wouldn't know that unless he looked close enough she's really bad at hiding it but every little thing he does makes her blush and it's insane at some point as they get closer, he kinda opens up ab his relationship shit (briefly- well, as much as he feels comfortable) immediately she's doing her damnedest to keep herself in check cuz she doesn't wanna freak him out or make him leave and she's like- working extra hours n all this stuff to help him out because she cares about him a lot and wants to show that and help out without it being some crazy big thing they hook-up at some point..... teehee who knows anyway it's gonna be so tragic and sexual and beautiful and AUGH i might be coming back with more as i write,,,, maybe,,,, sorry i didn't ask first but feel free to ignore LMAO anyway take a quote i made (to my knowledge) and a quote i found off twitter (in order): "And the sad thing is- I don't know whether I love you, or whether you're the one I want to finally find love in." "you don’t think i’m a bad person? / all i think is that i love you." (i then saw this quote retweeted with stolitz..... which..... also fuck yeah augh sorry if there're any typos or shit you don't understand but i'm thrilled to answer questions/clarify shit if you or anyone have anything OKAY COOL SORRY ABOUT THIS BYEEE -🍯⭐🪷

omg that one was yours!!!! I’m writing for it right now!!! I’m merging so many concepts into it simultaneously lol I hope you like it when it’s done!!

ohhh I love me some lore 😭 gimme the reason why that persons fucked up!!!! I eat it right up

do come back with more whenever you want!!!! and I wanna read it when it’s done babes pleaaaaseee?? 🥺🥺

[polyamorouscultureis]

so this is a specific situation and uh i’d normally talk about it to my best friend bc she’s the only irl person who knows i’m a relationship anarchist but i can’t because it’s about her so i figured id see if you have any advice. so basically we’ve been besties for a few years (i’m in high school) and abt two years ago i had a crush on her and at that time neither of us had really been in a romantic relationship and it was my first real crush, i told her about she didn’t feel the same way and wasn’t ready for any romantic relationships anyway, so i pretty much got over it after a couple months and everything was cool. about a year ago we both started having romantic relationships and honestly none of the people either of us have dated were super great. anyway i’ve been single for a while and so this one time we had a sleepover together we were talking about how dating is hard and how you can’t really tell if people actually like you or just want to date somebody and she wa specifically saying how she wished she could just like kiss her friends and it not be weird (she referenced britney and santanas relationship at the beginning of glee!) and was was agreed with her and later we were cuddling and holding hands (which is pretty normal for us to do, i’m really touchy with my close friends which i actually found out bc of her) but like it felt more intimate than usual? like she was stroking my hair and tracing her fingers down my back and it was really sweet (while a slowed down version of teenage dream by katie perry was playing which feels like it means something) and i kissed her on the cheek/jawbone and she giggled and said i was cute! but ik she has a tendency to just kinda date people or let ppl kiss her bc she doesn’t wanna have to tell people no so i asked if it was okay that i did that and she was like “yeah it’s cool, i trust you, just keep it kinda private��(she’s v private about affection so it’s cool) and after we stopped cuddling she was joking around and sitting on her lap and uh i asked if i could kiss her (at the time i felt very platonic about it) and she said i could, so i did. and it was nice! not the most fireworks he he kiss i’ve had but it is the only one that i don’t think i’ll regret which is probably more important. but anyway a couple weeks later i start having kinda crushy feelings for her again, made a playlist and everything, but i can’t really tell if it’s queerplatonic/ alterous or a ‘normal’ romantic crush bc frankly i’m bad at understanding my own feelings. i think though that i want some sort of romantic friendship with her. honestly i’ve had romantic feelings on and off but she’s always a super important person in my life but she gets so busy i her worried our friendships more important to me than it is her and that feeling kinda sucks even when it’s wrong. but the problem is whatever the feelings are i don’t feel like i can tell her about it bc she started dating someone right after that day where we kissed so i never got the chance to talk about it and she’s Very much monogamous, she’s super supportive of me and whatever style relationships i want and but polyam just isn’t for her at all, so like what do i do? do i tell her i want a queer platonic relationship? do i keep it to myself until i’ve totally figured out what it is i want? or until she’s not in a relationship anymore??? (sorry for rambling on)

First of all this is so extremely cute <33

Second of all, it's hard to give advice in situations like this because there are so many unknowns. It's always a risk telling someone your feelings, especially if in the past they havent reciprocated. And it seems like you feel there is more to lose this time.

I guess the questions to ask yourself are, would it be more painful for you if she decided to stop being flirtatious with you because she didn't want to lead you on, or if she continued to flirt with you platonically after establishing that it will never be in a romantic capacity? What would change between you if you started a romantic relationship and what do you feel you miss out on without it? These are complex questions and it's sometimes hard to know what you want or how you would feel in just a hypothetical situation, but it may at least help point you in the direction you want to go. Best of luck anon!

[slasheru]

Hi :3 I’m kinda having a bad night rn but I’m distracting myself by playing slasher u (for like the 10th time lmao) and I was wondering: how do u think the dateables would react/what would they do if their partner was having a really bad day? It’s alright if u don’t wanna answer lol and I hope ur having a good day/night <3

<3333 Of course! I wrote a decent amount of Slasher U when I was having a hard time myself irl, Hex's "how's your day" dialogue is actually something I put in to cheer myself up when I was writing it (:

Tate: Tate's had SO MANY bad days he might be an expert at helping you with YOURS. It's immediately hugs, blanket city, asking you about it and letting you vent if you want, listening, and if you don't feel like talking, he's there to tell you about HIS day or some cool thing you both discovered, like a movie you wanna watch. Tate is a BIIIIG cuddler. He's already passing you the flask and shutting the doors to the A/V lab so you guys don't get interrupted by randos (because Tate figures you could use a good cry, and he knows HE wouldn't want people around for that - besides you!) Tate's Bad Day empathy is off the CHARTS. He would hold you tight til either the sun came up or you felt better, whichever takes longer. He would also fight anyone who came to see you who you didn't wanna see, even though he KNOWS he'd get his ass kicked. Worth it, to save you.

Hex: OH NO! MY BABE IS HAVING A BAD DAY! :(((( Hex goes into SUPERHERO mode - he might be a little bit TOO enthuasiastic about cheering you up, at first, but his sole purpose in life is now making you feel better. Hex would try really, really hard and really really deeply to understand you and your pain as best as he can, like, REALLY leave no stone unturned. His love language is "understanding people". Hex's go-to cheer-ups are: Picking you up like a prince/ess, buying you food and coffee, hugging/cuddling you on the couch while you watch TV, showing you memes he found, never leaving your side, and doing acts of service like giving you a back rub or getting you your fave ice cream from the campus convenience store. He'd fall asleep on you/near you/with you all day/night just so you wouldn't have to be alone. :) He'd also sneak into any class big enough not to notice him, just so he could keep keeping you company!

Laila: Laila is the one person (besides maybe Sawyer) who would ACTIVELY try to fix your problems, haha. My darling Player is having a bad day?? Who did this? Sit down, have some tea, I've already come up with a ten-step plan to fix your problems AND I'm gonna start as soon as you feel comfortable enough for me to make some phone calls while I cuddle you til you feel better! Laila's got major "S/HE/THEY ASKED FOR NO PICKLES >:((((" energy so she'd be a great mix of actually comforting and vulnerable, especially if you had a hard emotional time, and handling whatever it is that made you upset - she knows more responsibility at a time like this can be crushing, and she's your Final Girl, dammit! Don't worry about a THING, Player - Laila's on the case!

Juno: Juno knows any world that hurts the Player they like/love is the WORST and SUCKS and Player is the BEST and FUCK ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE!! Though Juno's go-to cheering up is definitely partying and shenanigans, they'd actually ask the player what they'd like. Their favorite way to cheer people up is distracting them from their troubles, so Juno would probably plan all KINDS of fun date-style activities from parties to walks to pranks to adventures, for however as many days it takes for you to smile again. If you're a partier, they'd drop molly with you and talk for hours and hours about feelings. They would ALSO harbor a deep grudge against whoever/whatever did this to you (even if it's an inanimate object/concept, like, failing a class).

Sawyer: Sawyer would feel your pain/sadness VERY VERY DEEPLY. He'd probably start by spending hours listening to you or holding you, then ask if you wanted him to actively try and fix the problem. He'd spend a HUGE amount of time with you comforting you, basically kicking his aftercare into overdrive - Sawyer's the kind of guy who would cancel work or class to comfort you. (And if it got to the point where he'd be fired, well, looks like he's asking his boss/professors to work from home so he can be with you). He's also the kind of guy who definitely orders food and booze and weed and VHS tapes right to the dorms so you wouldn't have to go anywhere. He'd get REALLY protective - he's not letting anyone hurt you ever again, though. EVER - though he's not restrictive about it. The second anyone calls you a name behind your back, though, BAM. Sawyer's knife, their face, etc :V Sawyer's respectful of your boundaries more than anything, so he'd want to show you how much he loves you WITHOUT you ever feeling stifled or uncomfortable.

I hope your night gets better!!! <3333

[sheepie-self-ships]

Eagleace Lore Masterlist ^o^)/

Hello!! This is my masterlist for any story based art, headcanons, fic, and comics that I make about my selfship with Eagle.bones from The Aqua.bats S.uper S.how!! I’ve accumulated quite a bit by this point, so I figured I’d make a handy little chronological post :) not all of these are ‘canon’ to my ship yet but this will be updated hopefully frequently. None of these are in the order they were posted, we’re going off chronology and vibes here 😅 to get an even fuller understanding of my ship though consider checking out the Aqua.bats S.uper S.how!! It’s free on YouTube and funny so. :3

ORIGINS COMICS

These comics will be about the origin story of my s/i, Ace! Only part 1 is done, but I hope to get parts 2 and 3 added soon ^-^) none of these comics are romantic yet, these are just set to when the two characters meet.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

GENERAL

This section is for stuff that I don’t exactly know where to fit yet 😅

Kiwi Comic

Misc. Non-Romance HCs!

Explain my ship template!

Fairy!Ace HCs 🧚

Ace Voice Claim Animatic [Drag Race Ask Game Answer]

Mermay Eagleace [FULL ILLUSTRATION] 🫧

Ace Needs A Breakfast Taco Doodle

Doodle Dump [Feat Martian Girl, and many many EagleAce doodles]

HUMAN!BATS AU

This is just a silly little AU I’ve got, where Ace and my IRL roommate, Kae, are the Aqua.bats and Bones & Jimmy selfship with them 😅

Human!Bats HCs

Human!Bats Doodles

Human!Bats Doodles 2

PRE-DATING

This is what I consider in the ‘pre-dating’ arc, where neither character really knows their feelings, any confessions go here as well :)

Bones’ Idea of Hera n Ace?? Blurb

I’ve got a massive crush on you [Meme edit]

Bones’ Mating Dance [Comic]

How often do they say “I love you?” [Doodle Answer to an Ask]

Ace Got Kidnapped [Mini Comic]

DATING

This is anything made after the characters start dating ^o^)/ pretty straight forward

Aw Man, Ace is Sick :( [HCs]

What if your F/O drew you? [Doodle Answer to an Ask]

Bones’ Day Dreams

Ace’s Day Dreams

Smooch! [GIF]

F/O Movie Night: The Never Ending Story

Bones’ Brother Meets Ace ^o^)

If We Got Married… [Comic]

Your Love

At All Costs Doodles [angst?]

Eagleace Moodboards

Aquarium Date! [Sketch Illustration]

Sleepy Cuddle Doodles

How He Sees Them [Video!]

Misc. Christmas Doodles

Valentines Day 2024

MARRIAGE ARC

:0c what’s this…

The Bride and the Ugly Ass Groom Doodles 😳

“Do you guys know what Ace likes to wear?” [Comic Feat. Awesome Sauce Faction]

Bones tries to Propose (Comic, Part 2 to above link)

Last Chance (Comic, Part 3)

Stuff Made by Other People!!!

This is art I want to highlight that was made by my beloved friends ^o^)/ if I missed yours/you would like me to remove the link lmk!!

Sketti… [drawn by Arsene ^o^)/]

Secret Santa Gift [drawn by Nyachu :D]

Valentines EagleAce [drawn by Arsene -v-)]

Get Kissed! [drawn by Arsene :3]

Esploded [Birthday Gift, drawn by natetrx ^o^]

The Third Wheel [drawn by Wolfgang :D]

EagleAce Chibis!!! [drawn by Mayo!! :3]

[leviathans-tail]

I’m so confused and I feel like such an asshole. There’s someone I’ve been talking to for a couple months now and we really get along. They asked me if I would like to date them today and I honestly don’t know how to answer. We have a lot of similar interests and values but we’re just at different points in life (we about the same age tho) and idk if we’ll be able to make it work. First of all, we live pretty far apart and idk what entails going into a long-distance relationship like this (or any relationship for that matter). They’ve been talking about moving for a while now and I don’t want them to move because of me, especially when I’m not sure about my feelings. I’ve had crushes before but they always just remained crushes. I never acted on them, nor did I have any real desire for a relationship with those crushes. Like I’m theory, everything seems good, but when I realistically think about it I’m averse to it??! I think??? I haven’t told them that I’m asexual yet which I have no idea how they’ll react to… (I will be telling them when I respond). Idk maybe I’m aromantic too and I just never realized. I just don’t get it because when it comes to fictional characters, I get fucking feral and I’ll say I want them to do unholy things to me, but when it comes to a real person who has an interest in me, I get nauseated just thinking about it. What the fuck is wrong with me???

Also like we’ve had a couple virtual dates and while I had a blast talking to them, I didn’t have any butterflies in my stomach or excitement about it the way I’d expect. I’ve only been on a couple irl dates before and I didn’t experience the butterflies then either. It just felt awkward and unnatural to me. Maybe I’m just afraid that because it’s a “date” or because we would be “dating”, that there’s an expectation of sex at some point and I’m not totally down for that???

I know some will say it’s pathetic that I’m almost 30 and have only had these limited experiences and I’m acting like how they acted as a teenager but this is all so foreign to me. Dating wasn’t even on my radar until undergrad because I knew I was asexual by the time I was 16 and was just trying to figure out the rest of my identity. For undergrad I went to small college without many “options” to date you could say. Then Covid hit while I was doing my masters, and now here we are.

Also doesn’t help that in undergrad I had a massive crush on a friend and I still have some lingering feelings as we are still friends to this day. We also have similar interests and even more similar values than I have with this person I’ve been talking to. Also, we’re in similar positions in life and imagine similar trajectories with our lives.

Also also minor thing but this person isn’t a citizen and there’s always the thought in the back of my mind that they’re just lying to me to get citizenship. I highly doubt this is the case because they were upfront about not being a citizen and explained their situation fully. They also seem genuine, but there’s always that voice in the back of my mind.

So yeah, I’m a mess, romantically speaking. I think I just need to stop talking to people.

If anyone reads this and has advice or can relate please say so. I would like to know that I’m not alone in this

[allagogtoreblog]

sorry in advance for this really long ask, hopefully it’s not too annoying to come to you like this, but that meme you posted about being interested in sex only in the fictional sense actually means quite a lot to me… i’ve been IDing as aspec for a couple years now, it took me a while to figure it out because i’ve always been interested in romance and sex in fiction and fantasy and have had somewhat of a crush on one fictional character or another since puberty, but i’ve never wanted it irl or had any sort of romantic or sexual encounters in reality. eddie’s the biggest fictional crush i’ve had since i was a teen, to the point where sometimes i was starting to question my asexuality. but when i do that i have to remind myself that i wouldn’t want him if he were real, my interest entirely hinges on everything being fictional and safe in my head. i’ve only recently discovered the label aego and connect with it quite a lot, so it was thrilling to see both it and the concept of enjoying sex exclusively with fictional characters in the wild on your blog! i’ve just been having a hard time deciding whether i ‘remove my self’ from the equation, if you will. the definition is a little bit hard to puzzle out and i know it’s slightly different for everyone. anyway, thanks for posting that meme because it helped me find your blog, and it was so lovely to see aego in your bio as it’s the first time i’ve encountered that since i’ve been considering the label for myself. if you don’t mind my asking, how long have you ID’d as ace/aego, and how did you decide aego was the right label for you? oh and just for fun, if you’d like to answer: what are some headcanons that feel specific to Your Eddie, the eddie in your head, compared to popular fanon/canon?

Thank you so much for your ask! And trust me, it’s not annoying at all! There are not many people in my life that I can discuss things like this with, so I was kind of thrilled when I read it. I apologize for the lengthy reply, but I was SO excited to answer this.

Honestly, I started to realize I was “different” around JR high (which for a little context was about 25 years ago) when everyone around me was feeling that first rush of hormones and so excited about boys (or girls) and dating and first kisses, but I just never really felt that way. That’s not to say that I didn’t get crushes or find boys attractive (the posters on my walls of boy bands and teen idols would attest to that), I just didn’t see the point in romantic/sexual interactions with people I knew.  

I never really gave it much thought at the time though or tried to understand why I felt that way because JR high and HS were a really rough time for me. I was being badly bullied, my house burnt down, my parents were getting divorced, and I was struggling with depression so, I’ll be honest, I kind of assumed that things I felt (or wasn’t feeling in this case) were a product of nothing more than low self-esteem. Obviously, the only reason I wasn’t interested in trying for a relationship is because they’d just reject me anyways, right?

Yeah, I told myself that’s all it was for a really long time. Not because I was particularly embarrassed by my lack of personal interest but more so that I didn’t fully understand that I had a lack of interest.

I think it was because, around the age of 18, I found fanfic for the first time (SPUFFY 4 LYFE) and you best believe the smutty stories were my favorite (still are btw). Before that? Oh, this movie has a sex scene? Imma just watch it a dozen times, okay? So, clearly, I’m interested… maybe I just haven’t met the right guy?

It’s only been recently – around the last 5 years ago – that I’ve attempted to identify my sexuality. The catalyst of which was a particularly memorable event where I was literally sobbing at the thought of hanging out with a casual friend that I knew was interested in more. It was the first time anyone has ever told me that they were attracted to me and I was horrified by it.

So, yep, it appears I’m repulsed by sex? Great, I’m asexual.

But what about the fanfic and those dirty sex scenes, allagog? If you like watching/reading it, you must (subconsciously) want it in real life too.

So, I start reading a bit more and landed on the term graysexual for a few years – because I assumed my interest in that stuff proved I was sexually interested in people, therefore I straddled the line between asexuality and heterosexuality.

But I still felt like it didn’t fit.

It wasn’t until I started reading x reader fanfic daily (before that, I’d check out a story here and there) with the introduction of Eddie Munson (not unlike you) that I began to understand that the only time I was remotely interested in someone was if:

They were a celebrity who I will never, EVER meet

They were a fictional character

So, like one is wont to do in this day and age, I googled: “only sexually attracted to fictional characters’

And Aegosexuality popped up. And even though it’s not 100% a perfect match, of all the terms I’ve come across, this one fits the best.

The “remove yourself” bit you mentioned is also one of the parts that I don’t fully identify with (masturbating is the other), but I think that’s open to interpretation. It may not be the same for you, but when I’m reading x reader fics or imagining scenarios, I don’t actually picture me as I am, but a FICTIONAL version of myself.

In the end, the most important thing about identifying as any sexuality is that it's the right fit for you.

As for Eddie headcanons, I can't say I really have any that are entirely specific to me. For the most part, I love (most) of the versions that other authors have created or built upon. I love awkward, affectionate, sweetheart Eddie the most and almost always imagine him as much. Virgin!Eddie or sexually inexperienced are also 100% canon for me.

I'll also admit to really struggling with Asshole/Jerk Eddie and promiscuous Eddie (especially when combined with the Asshole/Jerk version of him). No disrespect for the people that read/write this version but I usually avoid them.

Thank you again so much for your ask! If you (or anyone else) ever want to reach out again - about anything, anything at all! - I'd love to hear it! <3

[redheadbigshoes]

Hi! I hope you’re having a nice day and happy holidays!

So this is kinda rant with a mix of asking for advice. So I have this close of friend who’s bi with a heavy preference for men since she doesn’t feel comfortable dating women for her own reasons. At times when we will talk he conversations majority of the times will center men whether it be crushes, dating etc. When she talks about this I have no response except listening to her and trying to fit in conversation(by the way I’m a lesbian and she knows this as well). Even at times showing me the men she’s talking to and wanting me tell her are they attractive or ugly bc I’m a “lesbian” I will be more honest. It at times makes me uncomfortable bc she’s putting me in a position to study a man’s attraction when Im not attracted to men but being a lesbian will help her better chose guys. So in response I kinda try to change the subject or push through the convo. But at times she has been complaining that I always push her off when she talks about guys but she doesn’t do the same when I talk about girls and I never try to push her off and told her my reasons but she sees it as that everything that involves men triggers me. It’s already difficult enough being closeted, and not being a safe place to express myself or find other irl lesbians near me, and dealing with my own internal things so yeah at times I would like to step away from a society centers men all the time and have people always talk about men all the time. It just makes me feel more isolated. I love my friend but I just don’t know what to do.

I really understand. Sometimes when we bring up how someone is always talking about men and how we just can’t relate with topics involving them in a sexual/romantic way people will get mad (I don’t know why considering we don’t choose who we’re attracted to).

The comparison your friend made doesn’t seem fair. She’s bi, even if she has a big preference for men she’s still attracted to women, so she still can relate with you whenever you two talk about women in a sexual/romantic way. You simply can’t. Not only you can’t relate with that at all, but the feeling of since ever being pushed to like men, after we realize we’re lesbian, talking about them can make us even more uncomfortable than it did before figuring out our lack of attraction to them.

If you really care about your friend and she really cares about you the best thing to do is to have a honest conversation about it. Tell her you really try to fit in those conversations centered around men and you really try to give your opinion and relate with what she’s talking about but it’s costing you your mental health and it’s been triggering you. Also it’s probably important to bring up the fact that it’s difficult enough to be in the closet and pretend you like them to everyone else, and she’s been a safe space for you to be able to talk about your identity.

If she’s really your friend she will understand.

[sungbeam]

EEEEEK ME TOO 🤭🤭 confession time pt. 2, I might have a platonic crush on you 😔💔 like I wanna be homies but at the same time I can’t have ppl knowing I read fanfics (irls or moots) cause I KNOW I’d get clowned on buT THEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND 🤧🤧 so, alas, WE are the true Romeo and Juliet 😔🙏

Like after I send an ask I do check in like every hour just to see if you responded yet DJGNIFN what can I say 🙄☝️

BUT AS LONG AS I CAN BE YOUR ANONYMOUS BESTIE THEN WE’RE SET 4 LIFE 😼🤞

(^ Why did I use so many emojis-)

And you’re right, Floor will be someone’s paralysis demon… MINE 💀

AND EEEEEK DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME ABT THE PROVERBIAL CAMERA CAUSE I CAN AND WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABT IT

ALSO YEAH IT WAS JUST A PIC NOT A VIDEO OF THE SCENE BECAUSE THAT SHOW IS SO WILD IF I WERE TO SHOW YOU A CLIP I THINK YOU’D START CRYING (Plot synopsis: boy tastes a girl in his class’ spit and then gets addicted to it cause she has like… addictive spit… essentially if he withdrawls from her spit then he could die 💀)

I WATCHED IT A LONGGGGGGGG TIME AGO SO I CAN’T REMEMBER EVERYTHING TOO WELL BUT THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH MOST OF IT LMAO IT WAS ENTERTAINING THO IF YOU WANNA TAKE A SHOT AT WATCHING IT 😭

NOT US ALSO HAVING THE SAME TYPE OF MENNNNNNNN (at least in txt) 🤪🤪🤪

And now hold awn world stop-

What did I just see with my two lil ol eyes

A SHIRTLESS,

TEASING,

HYUNJAE DRABBLE/FIC?????

Uh uh, uh uh, THAT WAS SO RUDE OF YOU LIKE WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME IMAGINE THINGS LIKE THIS WITH A MAN I KNIW I CAN NEVER OBTAIN LIKE-

HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL LIKE I WAS GENUINELY LIKE GIGGLING WHEN HE WENT IN FOR THE STRADDLE LIKE THIS I SICK GET YOUR C-CUP TIDDIES AWAY FRIM MY BOOK IM TRYING TO READ, LIKE???

Phew, everything abt Hyunjae makes my heart do somersaults istg-

But even if their storyline was there for plot convenience, I hope to see Quinn and Wren in the future!!! 😤😤

AND EEEEK LITTLE EPISODE ONE SHOT FOLLOW UPS WOULD BE SOOOO CUTE FOR CHANHEE’S LIKE I DEF SEE THE VISION AND I CAN’T WAITTTT

And the quote came from Rosemonde Gerard! “Aujourd’hui plus qu’hier et bien moins que demain,” from her poem “The Eternal Song”! It’s super sweet and it was addressed to her husband so I def recommend reading it! Man I love poetry unironically 🥹 I really hope I can find love as,,, lovely(😭) as that one day 🤧

- Love you forever + 1 day, 🌷 anon

PLS PLATONIC CRUSH FRFR ME TO ???? and it's okay bestie, none of the irls know i write or read fanfic cuz they really DON'T understand 😭 like i love my irls but they just don't TT anyways, it's totally okay that ur on anon, we can still be homies this way 😎 literally had one of my underclassmen in hs clown me for using blr instead of ao3, like IM SORRY THAT AO3 ISN'T EXACTLY INTUITIVE AND IM SLOW W TECH????? SHEESH— LMAO

omg i was just TALKING ABT SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMONS 🤩🤩🤩 one james ji chxngmxn !!! anyways—💀

.....uhm addictive spit.... okay 😃 not the greatest visual but ykw u like what u like ig 😭

THE PROVERBIAL CAMERA IS EVERYWHERE IM TELLING U I HAVE INTERNALIZED THE OBJECTIFICATION OF MY FEMALENESS SO MUCH THAT I IMAGINE WHAT PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY SEE ME LIKE IM OBSERVING MYSELF AND IT TRANSLATES INTO MY FICS 🤡🤡🤡 like it says x reader, but really, she's just a puppet playing a role 😩🤘🏻

PLS. u have know idea how much EMOTIONAL DAMAGE HYUNJAE AND KEVIN HAVE BEEN DOING TO MY SANITY LATELY like wbk i have no dignity left, but my sanity is dropping into the negatives, the bar is in hell, and i am limboing under it 🤣🤣 i once read this thing abt the guy straddling the girl and i was like,,,, uhm,, hyunjae,,, haha,, get over here 😁

I HAVE ONE EPISODE OF THE CHANHEE THING READY BUT IM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ELSE I SHOULD DO LMFAOOO cuz the whole idea was literally just an excuse to write that oneshot 🤡💀 anyways, i'll prob think of something, i have all summer—

omg pls i too love poetry unironically like,, one day i will meet someone who makes me write lovey dovey poetry abt warm sunlight and quiet kitchens in the middle of nowhere and not the sad espresso depresso shit i write rn 💀🤣

BUT ANYWAYS !! may ur day be as beautiful as u r !! love u 🌷 mwah 😚

[polyamorouspunk]

so this is a specific situation and uh i’d normally talk about it to my best friend bc she’s the only irl person who knows i’m a relationship anarchist but i can’t because it’s about her so i figured id see if you have any advice. (i’m sorry it’s super long i just don’t know how to talk about my feelings without rambling a bunch)

so basically we’ve been besties for a few years (i’m in high school) and abt two years ago i had a crush on her and at that time neither of us had really been in a romantic relationship and it was my first real crush, i told her about she didn’t feel the same way and wasn’t ready for any romantic relationships anyway, so i pretty much got over it after a couple months and everything was cool.

about a year ago we both started having romantic relationships and honestly none of the people either of us have dated were super great.

anyway i’ve been single for a while and so this one time we had a sleepover together we were talking about how dating is hard and how you can’t really tell if people actually like you or just want to date somebody and she wa specifically saying how she wished she could just like kiss her friends and it not be weird (she referenced britney and santanas relationship at the beginning of glee!) and was was agreed with her and later we were cuddling and holding hands (which is pretty normal for us to do, i’m really touchy with my close friends which i actually found out bc of her) but like it felt more intimate than usual? like she was stroking my hair and tracing her fingers down my back and it was really sweet (while a slowed down version of teenage dream was playing,she picked the music, which feels like it means something) and i kissed her on the cheek/jawbone and she giggled and said i was cute!

but ik she has a tendency to just kinda date people or let ppl kiss her bc she doesn’t wanna have to tell people no so i asked if it was okay that i did that and she was like “yeah it’s cool, i trust you, just keep it kinda private”(she’s very private about affection and i get it so it’s cool)

and after we stopped cuddling she was joking around and sitting on her lap and uh i asked if i could kiss her (at the time i felt very platonic about it) and she said i could, so i did. and it was nice!

but anyway a couple weeks later i start having kinda crushy feelings for her again, made a playlist and everything, but i can’t really tell if it’s queerplatonic/ alterous or a ‘normal’ romantic crush bc frankly i’m bad at understanding my own feelings. i think though that i want some sort of romantic friendship with her. honestly i’ve had romantic feelings on and off but she’s always a super important person in my life but she gets so busy i her worried our friendships more important to me than it is her and that feeling kinda sucks even when it’s wrong.

but the problem is whatever the feelings are i don’t feel like i can tell her about it bc she started dating someone right after that day where we kissed so i never got the chance to talk about it and she’s Very much monogamous, she’s super supportive of me and whatever style relationships i want and but polyam just isn’t for her at all,

so like what do i do? do i tell her i want a queer platonic relationship? do i keep it to myself until i’ve totally figured out what it is i want? or until she’s not in a relationship anymore???

Man that really sucks. It sounds queerplatonic to me but either way that shit’s gonna eat you up inside eventually. Maybe not in a jealous way but hiding any feelings you have from someone, be it romantic, sad, angry, etc. that shit eats at you. It would be healthiest for YOUR mental health to tell her, but maybe not for the situation. I’m normally very much an advocate for “tell people how you feel!!” but honestly like I feel like telling her you have feelings for her might mess up the relationship she’s in right now (it might not! but it could). That’s a sticky situation. And I mean even if she’s chill with a qpr with you her partner might not be, and that’s totally reasonable and valid of them. If I were you I wouldn’t say anything but I feel like that’s really shitty advice to give you. Like I feel really shitty being like “lol just bottle up your feelings and keep them to yourself” but I want to be honest and not give you advice that I don’t think I would take myself. But I mean also I know that shit would eat me up inside and at some point I would have to say something. So. I guess that’s my advice. At some point you have to say something if it doesn’t go away. Because like also I’m thinking about how I (Savvy) had feelings for my best friend (this was when we weren’t very solid at all so Punk has nothing to do with this, if strictly would have been a relationship between Savvy and her not Punk at all) and like we got into this huge fight about it like we could be a qpr maybe no this is really shitty timing I feel like you’re taking advantage of me etc. etc. and like. My feelings for her did go away again. So I have like 0 romantic feelings for her anymore when at one point I think I did. That was another point of fighting for us too where I was like I think I have a crush on you but I might be making it up. I don’t get over people easily (or ever) I think she’s like the only person I’ve gotten over (twice). So like feelings can change and you might once again not be interested in something like that later on down the line. So I guess yeah, I think waiting to see if that’s what you really want is best. Because I thought for a while I wanted a qpr with my best friend and then my feelings for her faded and now I really don’t have any interest in having one with her anymore.

[goldom]

AFoLiS author commentary Part 5-1

Okay, so I'm not going to sit here and re(-re-re-re-)read the entire novel for this, but I'll just have a quick scan for anything I want to comment on.

...okay haha right off the bat I discover I accidentally made a parallel between the very first line of this part and the upcoming one. Please pretend I never said that and that it's all intentional.

After having written parts 3 and 4 at the same time, this was the first time in a while I was writing a story in order and I didn't know where it was going yet. But even early on, we get some hints toward one of the main problems for later. Right in chapter 1, Stelle is weirdly tired, which she's already suspected is related to lacking the Stellaron. But what neither of them are suspicious of yet is Firefly's strength.

“You’ve gotten so strong,” you say, marveling. “I guess PT did its job,” Firefly says, steadying you. “More than that. I don’t think you could have lifted me like that before.” “Well, I am spending a lot more time outside of her than I used to.”

In retrospect, it's interesting that when prompted to talk about her time with Glamoth, Firefly tells stories of what was done to her and of the people she knew – but never of what she herself did. She's not proud of it.

Every one of them deserved to live just as much as me, Stelle. Please remember that. I wasn’t anything special. I was lucky. That’s it.”

I'm so glad that, at least this far, canon has gone this route. I was scared they were going to make her be the Empress, and I think it would have ruined her character.

“No, I’m sure. I’d love you whether you were a girl, a boy, anything else, even an inorganic species. As long as you looked at me the way you do, it wouldn’t change anything.”

As much as part of me wanted to write a story about two lesbian characters, that's not who Firefly is. While I don't agree that Caelus/Stelle are interchangeable, not in the way society views them or what it means for them to do the things they do, there's no denying that Firefly loves either of them exactly the same. In a word, you could call her pan, but then, as she says, "It’s only you." Even she doesn't know who she could have ever ended up with if not for Stelle. Likely nobody.

Probably the most obvious parallel, Part 5 Chapter 3, Stelle:

From different worlds in different eras, and yet she fits me. Maybe this is why I was born.

Chapter 10, Firefly:

You’ll protect her forever. No doubt in the world. Maybe this is why I was born.

And the only one they ever actually discuss openly, in Chapter 25:

“Sometimes,” Stelle finally says, but has to pause to moisten her dry mouth. “Sometimes I think maybe I was born for you.” “Really?” It’s a sweet, if meaningless phrase. Except it’s not meaningless, because… “I’ve thought the same thing about myself.”

Chapter 4 is the first time outside the side stories I was writing Firefly's POV. It took me a while to figure out a voice for her. Early on, she uses a lot of brief sentence fragments, but that's really not accurate to her. In canon, she talks way more flowery than Stelle, and so I eventually dropped that feature. Of course, Chapter 4 was my response to playing 2.3. The beauty of that moment, followed by the crushing emptiness of never getting to say goodbye. I think they really bungled that part. Even if we're going to see her again soon, even if in canon it's only a few weeks to irl's months, it doesn't matter, you say goodbye to someone that important to you.

Part 5 Chapter 4, Firefly:

They made me wrong. They messed up and built a girl to love you.

Chapter 28, Stelle:

Made to hold a Stellaron? Maybe they made me wrong, too.

Stelle helps Firefly dream, but she's interrupted by sleep paralysis. Like I said, I didn't know what I was doing with this story early on, and this... was kinda pointless. If you were looking for a meaningful interpretation of the dream woman, you weren't going to find one, because I didn't have one, which should have been a hint to me to not include it. However. I have one now. And I have made some subtle tweaks to the scene to fit. Instead of "You're new here," the woman now says,

“You’re finally here,” she calls. “But we’re not alone, are we? Our little talk will have to wait.”

Firefly wants so, so bad to be able to Write to Stelle that she keeps pretending she can. She knows how incredible it can feel to have someone love you directly into your mind. I'm jealous too.

“It’s pronounced ‘Vonwacq.’ And why do you keep calling it that?” “Vonn… W…ack.” Stelle tries again. “Waaahk?” “Just like it’s spelled. Vonwacq.”

This is a reference to 1970s sitcom Barney Miller, in which Detective Wojohowitz is constantly exasperated at people not being able to spell or pronounce his name and uses this line, as if it's easy. No, I did not expect anybody to ever catch this except maybe my mom, and she didn't until I told her.

I said it at the time, but the idea of Firefly carrying around hand sanitizer for Stelle is the absolute pinnacle of romance and I'll never beat it. This is the kind of thing she doesn't even think about, because she's so focused on needing to return Stelle's grand gesture of saving her life. But Stelle sees it, and she feels loved for it.

Then in the hotel, we have the first of my more overt references to the subtle homophobia of the world, the feeling othered. The clerk doesn't do anything wrong. She's not trying to be bigoted. But when you're on the receiving end of it over and over, it gets to you. And Stelle shoves back.

And then again later when it comes to getting the check at dinner. I guarantee 99% of people have no clue this is a thing, but let me tell you. When I transitioned? Suddenly. Suddenly every time my now-spouse and I went out, we were getting asked if we needed separate checks. It took me a while to figure out why.

Of course you’ve seen other oceanic worlds. Some of them even still exist.

man I love that line.

In scenes like on the beach the first night, I really figured out how to write the two of them differently, at least for this part. Stelle, having already overcome the worst and saved Firefly, is in a state of euphoria. She's constantly thinking in the most over-the-top, elegant phrases, like

She pulls out the vibrance in every scene she stands before, like a touch of makeup on the face of the world.

While Firefly, still lost in doubt, uses more down-to-earth language. For now. But once she finds her way forward, it all changes.

That’s not the kind of thing you say. You say things like ‘for as long as we can.’ Not anymore. Not for Stelle. Stelle gets ‘forever.’

Then we meet Erik. I wasn't sure if people would catch on immediately that introducing a named OC was a bad sign for his survival chances. Oh, I guess I should say though, I guess I did that again with the mention of March's date at the very end of the story. Don't worry, she's not about to die.

Okay this is too long already. More later.