#i don’t know why but I am extremely proud of all the things I learned last year

[aeriona]

10th February 2022 vs. 18th January 2023 art of my pride and joy, Queen Aurelia. I hate looking at the old one so much haha

[da-man-si]

This is going to be a long post.

I knew it already but MDL is no place for having civil discourse. I swear all the holier-than-thous who are offended and triggered by every damn thing that doesn’t fall inside the purview of their morality gather on that website. It’s like the Twitter of drama world.

Anyway, here are my two cents on Lu Jiaxue. He is a fucking intimidating and overbearing creep. He has no ounce of respect for personal space and no qualms with manhandling a girl almost half his size. He has violent tendencies and is evil. He has done evil things in the past and continues to do more evil things including the ones that are done to cover up the past evil things. He is no misunderstood antagonist. But does this mean that we cannot like him as a character? Or does liking him mean that there must be something inherently wrong with us? It’s a waste of time and energy to elaborately answer those questions, so I am not going to do that— because normal people with functioning brains already know the answer.

Back to Lu Jiaxue, I mentioned to @dangermousie that, in my opinion based on my observations so far, LJX’s character shows the sinister side of the “evil bad boy who is nice to only one girl and hates everybody else” trope when the perspective is changed. When he was blind and in captivity in his brother’s house, he found comfort and hope in Xu Meimei and fell in love with her. Xu Meimei was murdered, so the “only one girl” part of the above-mentioned trope is gone. What remains is “evil bad boy” and “hates everybody else”. That’s exactly what he has been doing, and by that I don’t mean that he goes around killing people because in comparison to the other extreme examples of this trope, he hasn’t ruthlessly killed people so far in the drama (he is still evil though) and is caring towards his nephew and his side kick guy.

He has been a brute with Yining and this is where the sinister side of that trope comes in because aside from Xu Meimei, he is going to be like this with others. I don’t think he is trying to get her to become his girlfriend/wife or anything. He is a freak and, I mentioned this as well to Mousie, he is able to sense a faint smell of Xu Meimei coming from the Luo house and is highly suspicious of Yining. The suspicions have progressively elevated during the course of the so far released 24 episodes, but he has never been sure (hence the call for Song Ziyue to be brought to the capital). And he is a dumb bitch for not telling Yining what exactly had happened back then at the cliff, because it doesn’t matter whether Yining is Xu Meimei or not, he should’ve told her, especially when she lied to him about her maid being the one who liked him back then. But the proud, egotistic and evil side of him won’t let him do that. That’s a skill issue and that’s all on him. This is why in this narrative and this set up, he will always be inferior to San Ge.

For all the bad things he’s done, to Chen Jiuheng, to Song Family, to Yining (not Xu Meimei) and to LSY, he must face the consequences. I am hoping for an ending where he is lonely and regretful. Regretful especially towards Yining because he lost her once before, then he couldn’t recognize her despite the suspicions, manhandled her and tried to harm her family. I want his ship to sink and I will sink with it, as I’ve said previously. He is such a would’ve, could’ve, should’ve character. As @renewedmotionforjudgment mentioned in their post (https://www.tumblr.com/renewedmotionforjudgment/764985411856744448/am-i-writing-au-canon-divergence-fanfic-for-the), there are lots of what ifs.

I am a basic girl who likes fiction and he is a fictional man, so I am going to say that despite the million toxic and alarming flaws, some of the things he does are simply delicious (to me)— Intimidating guy soft for one girl (Xu Meimei), exterminated the entire family of the girl who murdered his Meimei, learned how to make dolls because Meimei said so, has been making dolls religiously in her memory, has been searching for her for years refusing to believe she could be dead, his evil senior guy asks him to not fail again in their evil deeds but he comes home and the first thing he orders his subordinate is to bring the person who can confirm his Meimei is alive or not.

Overall, what I am saying is that I like this character. People on MDL playing morality police and attacking anyone who says even remotely positive things about LJX need to get off their high horse and touch some grass. That's all.

[lavampira]

(COUNT)DOWN TO DAWNTRAIL — day seven: free day

one thing about ffxiv that has had the biggest impact on me is the core message in the power of bonds that people forge. camaraderie is as much of a driving force as hope throughout the game’s overarching narrative, and it’s the main part of what made me invest in it so quickly, and why I continue to love playing it.

and so, keeping on that theme, I want to take the opportunity to gush about some of the people who’ve also made the game and community a lovely experience over the last 2 years.

first, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how glad I am that @hythlodaes and @birues came with me from swtor to give this game a try. it’s always so nice to have a friend who understands you so intuitively like gigi does with me when trying new things without judgement, building fun routines together in a new game, risking it all as an AST-DRK duo in frontlines, or slipping back into our old co-tanking roots, and she’s been my biggest emotional support and favorite guinea pig to level new things. and rue’s eternal willingness to fuck it we ball with me and all of her thoughtful meta and silly memes alike bring me so much happiness. I’ve loved sharing all the developing lore of our ocs and thoughts on the story as we’ve progressed mostly alongside each other.

I will also forever be grateful to @coldshrugs and @gefiltefished for all of their guidance when I was a sprout learning the game! azia and ash have always been so helpful and encouraging, and many of my fondest memories of the early raids, trials, and pre-duty support dungeons involve one or both of them holding my hand, and even braving queues to tank or heal for me at times despite being aiming mains until I was brave enough to consistently tank myself. they built up much of my confidence while venturing into a new mmo and I don’t think I would understand things as well as I do without either of them.

getting to know @scionshtola as we played more, dragging each other into the mines and bozja respectively, and bonding over same taste in dps jobs has been such a highlight, too. and so many of my frontlines assists are owed to them channeling a hidden inner zenos on the battlefield as well.

raiding with my extremes static in our brave little sparkle has been some of the most fun and challenging few months! @lilas is an absolute powerhouse of organizing, keeping the positive mood alive, and wrangling everyone into voice chat and party on time each week. azia is an excellent strategist and gentle advice-giver, which has gotten us to barrel through barriers that had us stumped at times. @zimmena is a radiant gem for crafting our tinctures, making consistent calls to move us through the mechanics, filling in any role that’s needed, and my partner in repairs. I owe @greyyourwarden my life many times over for keeping me alive or scraping me off the floor when things go awry as a very trustworthy healer, and trusting me without complaint despite healer instincts when I ask to be allowed to die for my invuln. gigi has not only been a powerful and attentive melee dps amidst our sea of ranged/casting players, but a cheerfully good sport when a stray tankbuster goes her way, too. kels and their carby have saved many, many pulls with a well-timed raise, and always is my reliable stack buddy. @the-rogue-mockingjay is a brave soul willing to try new things and brings so much enthusiasm to raid. and @galadae has been a trooper for filling in whenever we needed someone and picking up things so quickly despite the occasional short notice. I’m so proud of how much we’ve all grown as players and as teammates since the very first night!

my foray into crafting and gathering has also been greatly helped by the many tips from @impossible-rat-babies and the set of endgame gear graciously offered and made for me by @lxdymaria so I’d have an easier time once I was leveled.

and I’ve also enjoyed talking to and seeing posts by @drk-brain, @drkmissionaries, and other sidwol shippers and dark knight enjoyers over on the bird site, collectively boosting all the writing and losing our minds over our little guys and the big spiky man we all love.

I could keep going - the ffxiv playerbase is truly one of the most friendly, encouraging, and wonderful communities - but I’ll leave it here: ffxiv is a game full of love and support from the people we meet along the way, so it’s no wonder why it’s fostered such a similar space for all of us!

[laundrybiscuits]

I had zero plans to continue this but @shdwsilk came in with the extremely good takes sooo…

If you don’t know Inception this is probably incomprehensible. Soz.

“Shouldn’t you be talking to the mark?”

Steve visibly startles as Eddie slides onto the barstool next to him. Steve’s in a suit, because the mark is the most boring person alive and thinks a fancy cocktail party in a hotel is the stuff dreams are made of; Henderson was extremely specific about the number of dashing rogues Eddie was allowed to drop in for passionate speeches and/or dueling purposes.*

“Eddie?” says Steve. 

“Mm, no, Johanna Berger.” Eddie tosses his head, letting ice-blonde hair cascade over his bare shoulders, and smirks up at Steve. “I am quite charmed to meet you, darling.”

Johanna is a young widow who may or may not have had something to do with her late husband’s untimely death, so she’s wearing a plunging black dress designed to show off some real bombshell curves. He’s pretty proud of her rack, honestly; it’s harder than you’d think to make sure everything looks realistic. 

“Are you doing an accent?”

Eddie scowls. Johanna went to an international school, so her accent’s subtle to the untrained American ear, but he spent two solid hours last weekend reviewing Austrian vowels with his dialect coach. 

“Are you not doing an accent?”

“Uh, no? Because I don’t need to? The mark’s from Connecticut.” 

“Perhaps the both of you could use a little more exposure to…foreign affairs.” Johanna leans in coyly, trailing one red nail up Steve’s arm. 

Steve lets out a snort that sounds completely unrehearsed. “Does that ever actually work for you, dude?”

Johanna tilts her head, gazing up at Steve. She’s not the type to get intimidated, but she is the type to be curious. She’ll take risks if it means getting a chance to pry someone open. 

“You don’t spend much time with other forgers, do you?” she says. 

Steve shrugs. “I don’t really do the whole, uh, dreamsharing community. I mean, I guess I’ve kinda been doing this a while, but like—not seriously, you know? It’s not really my thing. Wasn’t planning on any more jobs at all, but Henderson showed up, and you know what that kid’s like.”

Steve looks so openly fond just saying Henderson’s name that Johanna has the sudden urge to shield Steve’s face from the crowd somehow. The poor fool, she thinks in despair. He has yet to learn that a tenderness like that is to be protected.

Or—maybe Johanna would be contemptuous. Maybe she’d think: what a fool. Anyone could see how to break Steve Harrington’s heart.

“Yeah,” says Eddie. “I know what Henderson’s like. Biggest pain in my ass imaginable.”

The soft look on Steve’s face shifts into a real smile as he glances over. “Tell me about it,” he says. “Hey, you sound like you again.”

“What, no I don’t,” says Eddie. 

“No, it’s good. It’s better than whats-her-name.”

Eddie looks down at himself, thoroughly-researched curves straining at the satiny bodice and a manicured hand still resting on Steve’s arm. “Maybe you just need to get to know Johanna,” he says. “She’s a hell of a dame.”

“Sure.” Steve winks. “Tell her to give me a ring sometime.”

“Oh my god, why are you hanging out with projections,” says Mike freaking Wheeler, popping up like a bad penny in a cater waiter outfit. “Steve, go talk to the mark! We’re running out of time!”

“Okay, okay, sheesh,” says Steve, pushing away from the bar.

“Jesus, Wheeler, we’re two levels down. We got plenty of time,” says Eddie, pointedly not watching Steve weaving through his crowd. 

“Wait, is—are you—Eddie?” The kid is openly gawking at Johanna. 

“Eyes up here, champ,” says Eddie. “This is Johanna Berger, and she’s here to make sure everything goes according to plan. Also, she’s here to look appropriately and publicly devastated at the tragic death of her husband, because the yacht club wives are getting gossipy.” 

“Whoa,” says Wheeler. “That…wasn’t in the briefing.”

“Keep up, yeah? You’re in the dreamshare business, the briefing never covers everything.” Eddie puts a tray of champagne flutes in Wheeler’s hands and snags one for Johanna as Wheeler fumbles to keep from dropping the rest. 

Johanna sips the champagne. It doesn’t taste like anything at all. 

“Darling,” she says. “If you learn to let dreams surprise you, I think you will have a better life, yes?” 

Across the room, Steve looks up from charming the mark. He smiles at Johanna, just a quick and completely unprofessional flash of teeth before turning his attention back to a Connecticut banker who probably wouldn’t have a hope in hell of catching Steve’s attention in the waking world.

Or maybe that’s Steve’s type. Maybe he’s got some smart, boring wife in a conservative pantsuit tucked away somewhere. Maybe she comes home every day like clockwork to a hot meal and freshly-bathed children and has absolutely no idea that her trophy husband inhabits dreamscapes in his spare time. 

No, he is better than that, thinks Johanna. In my soul I know that he deserves better. I would take him away from such a woman in an instant.

Which is just—

Okay, so Steve Harrington might be a slightly bigger problem than Eddie’d thought.

*“Zero, Eddie! Zero rogues, zero secret Cinderellas, whatever that means, zero drama. Just assume the answer is always going to be zero with this guy!”

“Then what’s the goddamn point, Henderson?”

“Uh, maybe the nice fat paycheck coming our way?”

At this point, Eddie can either admit that he isn’t actually in it for the money (gross, not an option) or subside into a sulky silence. So: zero dashing rogues. It’s fine. He’s not bitter at all.

[blackgirl-galactica]

Signs From the Universe That You’re Healing: Pick A Card 🥗💭🌻🌸

Note: This is an original pick a card post from Tarotladytalks LLC. Please do not steal. Thank you. 

Hey yall!! 

It’s been a long time since I did this. Yet, I felt pulled to do this but I couldn’t decide in video or blog form since I just posted a PAC on my channel (feel free to check it out). But anyway, here we are! Let’s hear from the Universe how you’re healing, growing, and doing well. I hope you are too! 🫧🫶🏾

GIF #1

GIF #2

GIF #3

GIF #1:

-Learning to allow love in without expecting the worst. With so much air in this combination (Lovers: Gemini, The Star: Aquarius, King of Swords) the Universe is saying you’re healing because your mindset has changed, take notice of that. It has matured (King of Swords and The World) in a healthy manner. You are healthily expressing how you want to be loved and not begging. When I say love, it is not just romantic. It is how you want to be loved by all types of relationships in your life. You are not going to settle nor argue for this neither, if you have noticed. Your mindset is one of what you seek is available, and settling is almost as if you are disrespecting yourself. Wow, Pile 1, I am very proud of you. This energy is calm, yet firm. You may have even noticed that you are easily finding things you enjoy more and doing them independently. You are unafraid of the consequences of severing relationships or things that do not belong to your system of ideas and philosophies. You may have noticed that you simply feel peaceful with where you are. You are content with the decisions you make and why you make them. I’m even getting with The Lovers and The Star card that you aren’t mad at the people who have crossed you, you just saw that they weren’t a compatible fit, and with King of Swords and The World card, you simply just let them go. You may even have a new set of belief systems you follow now. What you believed in yesterday is not what you believe in today. And you’re firm on that. Amazing Pile 1. I’m very proud of you. 

GIF #2:

-You carry your burdens better these days. You don’t see your challenges as your Achilles’ heel. You seem them as more of just a block in the road that you can remove. You don’t let little things stress you out as much anymore. You are confident in the fact that you can only control so much, and life will work the rest of it out. I’m proud of you for realizing that. You realized that stress was depleting you, and as a result with the Queen of Wands you are much more happy and more energized. Maybe even people have told you lately you seem more calm and unbothered with Temperance and the 4 of swords. You realize that you’re not alone in having problems, which gave you the courage to understand how to handle what life throws at you. Not saying that with this Queen of Wands you have to face your issues alone from this point forward. No, with the Temperance, seek support where you need to. I am saying that I am proud of this new level of independence, because it seems to me you came to a point where you were tired of letting little issues and upsets control your outcome. You stopped giving it so much energy, and the Universe is saying the peace you’re feeling is a sign you’re healing. Good job, Pile 2. 

GIF #3:

-Seeing things for what they are. You may have been the type to be extremely optimistic and give everyone a chance and see the good in everyone. Yet, for some of you there may have been an incident (9 of Swords) that may have really hurt you and changed all that. Yet, the bright side is that with this Page of Cups and 4 of Pentacles, you are more careful about who you give love and help to. Here’s the thing Pile 3, there are some people in this world that do not want help or generosity. They are looking for their next victim to prey on. As harsh as it sounds, you are starting to understand that reality and it’s healing for you because you know how to protect yourself. You are also gaining wisdom (2 of wands) on what it means to be a “good person” in this world. Some of you may feel guilty for putting your foot down, but the Universe is telling you you’re doing the right thing by doing so. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your own self interest. It reminds me of that Bible quote of “Turn the other cheek” and “Forgive thy enemies” which is true, but not to the extent you allow others to prey on your kindness and altruism. I’m glad you are starting to understand this Pile 3. You don’t have to stick with this energy from this point on. 2 of wands here talks about balance and when you NEED to act this way with others. And newsflash, 9 times of out 10 when you do put your foot down, people leave you the hell alone. If they  make you feel bad, curse you, or even go out their way to slander you (which I hope they aren’t but it happens), just know you are protected with this 4 of Pentacles. 4 of Pentacles is ruled by Capricorn. And Saturn does not let nasty people off the hook at all! So I can’t say not to worry about those people, because you’re human and energy like that is stressful. But what I can say is don’t let up on your boundaries and know that you deserve to be treated with respect just as much as you respect others. It’s not your fault that those people don’t know how to accept good people when they come. That’s their karma, not yours. Keep progressing, Pile 3. 

Thanks for tuning in.

Claude 🦋❤️

[wander-wren]

today i am angry because lightlark keeps (kept? i think it’s dead) getting compared to the hunger games

i don’t know if tumblr saw the lightlark drama and i’m not interested in rehashing it especially bc some of it got uncomfortably personal towards the author at one point and also it was months ago so just! suffice it to say lightlark is a book by alex aster, it is a terrible book, and i did not put myself through the torture of reading it but i did watch a 7.5 hour video essay

(i think the essay could have been 6 or even 5 hours, and i think this person went a little too hard on the critique at some points, so that rubbed me wrong a little but it was also extremely thorough and i was bored.)

but anyway. one of the big things about lightlark is that it was marketed as “hunger games x acotar” which is….fine. but every time someone compares a book to thg i’m automatically suspicious because no one does it right.

and of course, neither did lightlark.

the book is a complete disaster so i will try to stick only to the relevant points but seriously. there’s so much.

the official premise of lightlark is that six realms in a fantasy world have been cursed for hundreds of years. each curse is (supposed to be) a twisted version of the realms magic, and the curses also cut them off from their main island of lightlark. except for once every century, when the island becomes accessible for 100 days and the six rulers travel there to try to break the curses via death tournament.

but then you get to the book and learn that the curses are only broken if a ruler dies without an heir, since their special ruler magic just transfers to the heir and no one gets anywhere. this was only a caveat so we could have a young protagonist ruler, i’m sure. ALSO, IMPORTANTLY, if a ruler dies without an heir, their entire realm also dies.

and obviously that’s bad so the rulers have to consider carefully who they want to kill, and they keep putting the killing off bc it’s not easy to condemn thousands of people to death.

so why, pray tell, the FUCK, are you doing a death tournament every century.

(they’re not, by the way. the first 50 days are dedicated to some demonstrations that are definitely hunger games inspired and meant to allow the rulers to forge alliances bc even though there’s only six of them they’re also required to partner up for some reason?? but there’s almost no fighting and almost all the fight scenes end very quickly with no real damage to the main character. it got really annoying really fast.)

but like, let’s pretend for half a second that lightlark IS about six rulers fighting to the death to break a curse. it’s still not even close to being like the hunger games.

the hunger games was about teenagers under constant surveillance forced to perform and then kill for the masses, many because they weren’t rich enough to buy their way out or into good training.

no one except the rulers and the essential staff is even allowed on lightlark, and no i don’t know why that is. and the characters spend the entire book trying to avoid killing each other as much as possible (well, minus two cases) bc they want to find another way to break the curses. i don’t understand why it’s billed as this big bloody dangerous battle even in-universe when everyone involved really REALLY doesn’t want to fight.

also, this isn’t related to the thg nonsense, but if i’m talking about lightlark i have to talk about That Twist. alex aster really loves her twists and is very proud that no one can see them coming but that’s because reading the twists is like watching the street for cars, then trying to cross and getting hit by an airplane.

as i said, the characters keep trying to find a new way to break the curse, even though it’s been 500 years and many of the rulers have been alive that long (no i don’t know if that’s normal or a ruler perk, it’s not explained) so they SHOULD have tried all of these fairly obvious methods by now but SURE, JAN. this book would make so much more sense if it was only the first century and everyone was still scrambling to figure the curses out. but whatever. alex aster wanted her protagonist to be in a love triangle with two 500yo men

(there’s nothing inherently wrong with that and i actually really loved grim, not for the reasons i was supposed to bc the writing was bad, but i liked him, until—well, put a pin in that.)

ANYWAY. THE POINT. our protagonist, who i guess i should say is named isla, needs to find “the heart of lightlark” which “blooms where darkness meets light.” everyone assumes they’re looking for a super special flower but they can’t find it. then, isla decides this random-ass bird that’s only almost gotten her killed twice is DEFINITELY going to show them the heart, so they follow the bird.

and at dawn, the bird lays a fucking egg. and it falls out of the nest. and cracks. and the yolk. floats. into the air. in time with the rising sun.

I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH HOW MUCH IT IS A LITERAL FUCKING EGG

no foreshadowing. isla has an internal monologue where she thinks she always did see the moon as an eggshell and the sun as yolky, but the yolky sun description happens twice in 400+ pages and the egg moon description happens Never, so like. shoutout to aster’s copy editor??

i can’t take this book seriously bc it is a literal egg an EGG isla has to carry an EGG YOLK to break the curses. there are scenarios where i could accept that but this Serious YA Fantasy Book is not one of them.

and since i mentioned the one thing i did actually like, i will explain isla’s one love interest, grim. technically her only love interest bc nothing about the other guy struck me as romantic but idk maybe her inner monologue was yearning or smthn. anyway, grim.

grim is from the least trusted/most stigmatized realm. he’s described as a huge hulking nightmare of a man, a demon, every badscary description under the sun. but like. the times he is alone with isla? he takes her to a chocolate shop during their first meeting and hand feeds her truffles, which is a little weird and overly sexual but…still. chocolate. then he hides her from another ruler no questions asked even though he has every right to be suspicious. he opens up to her and shit. he calls her “hearteater” (it’s a reference to her curse, her people eat human hearts to survive, no that doesn’t make sense either) (also isla is magically not cursed so our protagonist doesn’t have to be scary and gross and worry about that during the novel haha!) (guess what else is never properly explained….)

anyway grim calls her “hearteater” but like, almost in a teasing/endearing way, which is fun, and when they start to fall in love he just calls her “heart” which is ALSO cute imo i’m weak for nicknames. he’s like. the narration and aster really really want me to think he’s the scary bad boy but he’s just such a soft dude.

and then. ohhhh, and then. one of the other hit-by-airplane twists is that the weird sexy dreams isla has been having all book about grim? they’re not dreams. they’re memories. the two of them used to be together for about a year before the book started, and grim erased her memories as part of a plot to betray her yada yada i was braindead by this point so i don’t fully remember all 17 elements of the betrayal. but like…..first of all that retroactively makes all of their interactions but especially the chocolate thing kind of weird and creepy? also WHAT was the FUCKING POINT pf making her forget she loves you if you’re literally just going to seduce her immediately anyway. like. the book makes a halfhearted effort at having grim avoid her but it really didn’t feel like he was purposely being mean to push her away. because every time they did interact he was so sweet! sir!!

anyway he betrayed isla probably mostly to keep up the ambiguity of the love triangle and so aster could brag about more twists and i hate that bc WHY. he was doing so well.

anyway. i got so far off track. lightlark is a wild fucking ride and i did not even scratch the surface of the plot-hole filled mess that this book is. my sister does own it and i did check a few things bc i straight up could not believe they were real (like the egg. i cannot get over the egg.) so.

also this book only got published bc it went viral on booktok so that kind of tells you everything you need to know. the good news is it does give me some measure of hope/an ego boost bc if lightlark exists in the world…..surely whatever i’m doing can’t be too bad.

[iraprince]

I adore all your art with cookie and was interested in Sapphicworld- but I’m curious (so plz don’t take this as a negative-) what exactly in your opinion sets it apart from other Queer PBTA hacks like Thirsty Sword Lesbians?

I’d just really like to hear your thoughts about it as a system and world especially given you are a indie developer yourself?

hi!! thank you!!

so, a few caveats before i start off — one, i actually haven't played many other pbta games (like for example i know Of thirsty sword lesbians + own a copy that i've poked around in but im not very familiar w it), so i honestly can't provide much in the way of comparing/contrasting it w other pbta stuff in the same vein, and my impressions of sapphicworld are pretty much just contained to the game as its own thing, not so much sapphicworld as a Type Of Game

and two, while i am a dev myself, i'm a huge novice! like, i'm proud of the stuff i put out and i love doing it, but i personally feel like my lack of experience is such that like, i don't think my opinions in this case are particularly informed by my own work as a dev or anything. all this to say im happy to answer this question, i think i just gotta tackle it from a different frame than what ur specifically asking!

BUT ANYWAY. i can still talk abt why im so excited abt sapphicworld in a way that has kind of outstripped other stuff in general, and for me it's about the world 100%. like i honestly spend close to no time thinking abt the fact that sw is even pbta to be honest. not that the mechanics + gameplay aren't important, bc they are thoughtfully crafted and well done and fun, and i'm saying that from the perspective of someone who playtested earlier versions that have now been reworked! it's just like, not what comes to mind first for me — what's exciting and fresh and irreplaceable abt the game in my mind is like. it is fully committed to immersing you in an extremely lush, strange, richly fleshed out world, one with a long history and folklore/mythology and a TON of really fun npcs who all have different subcultures and its own calendar with seasonal holidays and regional terrain with specific fleshed out dungeons/towns/etc to discover and even like, specific FOODS typical to each different region and and and and —

and maybe at first that seems kind of overwhelming, and tbh it is. when i first got into it and i was going thru the playtest document (which if im remembering right was like. ~300 pages shorter at the time than the current playtest doc) i DO remember anxiously thinking to myself "god this is a LOT and idk if i'll be able to retain enough of this to rp convincingly" etc etc. but like... it's just really compelling, and it does an incredible job of mixing humor and gravity and horniness in a perfect ratio that always comes across as intensely earnest and makes it equally easy to have a fun goofy time or a really emotional time, which i think is REALLY hard to do.

and while normally it's hard for me to get thru something that dense and long all i can really say is that i just straight up like it enough and was charmed by it enough to pick away at it until i grasped it and felt like i understood a bunch about the world, which also has a curve to it bc in structure and tone its very different from any of your... idk more Standard fantasy or sci fi worldbuilding, so it's not like u can immediately slot in ur expectations from other settings and just learn some new vocab words, it's a world that from my perspective also Functions differently than a lot of other fictional settings in a way that's a little hard to describe succinctly. (none of this is succinct to begin with but ykwim). it makes me want to gm my own campaign, really really bad, when usually i have always been absolutely Terrified of the idea of gming! idk man. it has a Flavor. it's full of Vapors. u get transported somewhere else reading it and playing it in a way i haven't experienced in a while and a lot of times after a playtest session i felt like my brain stayed behind in sapphicworld for a pretty long time.

i feel like i am sounding a little melodramatic and incoherent but like. genuinely sapphicworld is just a fictional world that i am really bone-deep charmed by and interested in and when i WAS reading thru the rulebook for those first days it did not take me long at all to find myself constantly thinking "i want to play in this world, i want to play in this world, i can't wait to play in this world," and i just think that's really special. and like — just as your curiosity abt comparing sw to tsl was not intended as a diss or a negative, what im abt to say is similarly neutral — im a person who sometimes finds it a little difficult to click with or feel excited abt a lot of the Queer Indie Stuff that i see get popular with other people, bc it just doesn't connect w my specific lesbian + trans experience; not that it feels inauthentic but that im like, oh, idk, i think these guys are just. not My Zone, ykwim. on the flip side so much of the humor and heart and transness and sex in sapphicworld is something that really resonates w me and just Clicks in a way that i have also found really special.

rounding myself off before i ramble for like five more paragraphs but just as one more morsel of something i like abt sapphicworld that is a little more concrete than me spinning around the room yelling "I JUST LIKE IT OKAY": one of the most fun parts of character creation is getting to mix and match your kind (sort of like ancestry/species, the form ur physical body takes) with a subculture. so u get things like a werewolf babe (cookie! babe being a subculture that focuses on being Like, Totally Hot), or a centaur knight, or a minotaur debaucher, or a vampire cowboy, or an organist (cthulu-y tentacle guy) scenester, or a skeleton wizard, etc etc etc etc — there are SO MANY to pick from that when i was trying to bait my friends into playing w me i couldn't find a convenient way to list them all so ppl could start thinking abt their characters. and every possible combination basically is interesting and amusing and fun and practically THROWS a great oc into your lap and i literally think i could amuse myself endlessly just Making Characters in sapphicworld and never actually playing w them.

[panting, disheveled] so tldr. i like it. uh. what sets sapphicworld apart from other ttrpgs to me is that i have fallen balls to the wall in love with the very soul of it to the point where i don't even really think about it in comparison to other games at all and it has just become an Experience to me and i suppose i cannot guarantee anyone else will fall into insane homosexual hysteria in the same way but here we are. HOPE THAT HELPS

(ALSO PSSST. idk if this is just perfect timing or if ur curiosity was specifically prompted by this but the @sapphicworldttrpg patreon DID just launch and if any of this has been intriguing u should check it out. okay mwah bye)

[yellowhollyhock]

I don’t know if you talked about it but would you say Raph is a weak fighter compared to his brothers o ask because people talk about how strong and capable Don is and how talented Mike is but what about Raph

Okay, so. Short answer

Raph is an extremely skilled, massively strong, and deeply motivated turtle. He is an undeniably skilled fighter, and without him they would not win nearly as often.

Long answer under cut

First thing, I really am clueless about martial arts 😅 This will all just be from the perspective of your Slightly Less Than Average Viewer, I tend to focus on/notice the character beats much more than the action beats.

The cool thing about TMNT though, is that the character arcs and the fighting styles are very closely connected

Raph is the team’s Rock in so many ways. The most obvious, the one I think we tend to talk about, or at least that I usually focus on in fics, is his sheer determination. You just can’t knock this guy down. Especially if he’s protecting someone, which he pretty much always is (exception being the Battle Nexus. More on that later). But also, though. He brings out their strengths.

He makes himself a stepping stone for the brothers he believes in. Let’s talk about their strengths for a second.

When Mikey fights, his quick wit is a huge part of it. He uses intimidation tactics. In the H.A.T.E. episode he sees an enemy with the same weapon as him and, literally looming over the guy, grins like a maniac and says “This is just too good to be true.” When Bishop is about to literally cut him open he acts scared right up until the exact moment when he needs to act, and in that split second he takes the time to say “You should never take your eyes off of me.” He wants Bishop to remember that moment. There are times Mikey wants his enemies to underestimate him. But he also very often scares them on purpose, both to throw them off so they’re easier to beat, and so that he won’t actually have to hurt them. You cannot intimidate a guy like that.

And when we think about the people he lives with, and their fighting styles. And especially their specific relationships with him. Who do we think Mikey learned how to trash talk during a fight from? Who do we think taught him to always stand his ground?

Oh I don’t know maybe Mr Yo Mama himself

Not only is this something Raph and Mikey both do, it’s something we see them practicing together all the time. And it’s the way Mikey beats him at the Battle Nexus.

Honestly? I think that’s (one of) the reasons that defeat bothered Raph so deeply. This is his little brother who he taught how to stand up for himself. He’s the one who showed him how to keep your head and not let your enemy take advantage of your sensitivity (they are both so sensitive)! So if by this point Mikey has surpassed him, does that mean he can’t really protect him anymore?

Does it mean Mikey doesn’t need him anymore?

Reminder that his initial reaction is not, “Mikey will be impossible to live with” (and we do know that Mikey will be difficult to live with over this). What he actually says as he hysterically shakes the nearest stranger is, “I’ll never be able to live with myself.” He wants to be a better than his brothers because he feels like he needs to be able to protect them.

Now from Mikey’s pov, he just did a really great job at something Raph taught him, something he’s always been trying to mimic about Raph, and instead of being proud Raph is angry. In spite of all his bragging, I don’t think Mikey sees this the way Raph does. He thinks he won one time and that should be celebrated, not that he’s passing Raph up and leaving him behind.

Now in the end, is Mikey better at this skill than Raph? I don’t know, they both use it very well. They both also have their slip-ups, and the Battle Nexus was one of Raph’s. But the point is that Mikey learned it from Raph in the first place.

Ultimately Mikey will become better at it. Because why would Raph keep pushing himself once he sees that his little brother can do it?

For Leo, throughout the show his biggest strength is his refusal to give into fear. He overcomes his fear of heights. He won’t be afraid of the Shredder. When Master Solinter goes missing he won’t assume the worst and give up, and he’s there for his brothers, giving them hope to balance out the fear. His ultimate victory is to overcome his fear of failure. Well, speaking of the Battle Nexus, who else is afraid of failure?

Early in the show we get little interactions between Raph and Leo showing Raph pushing Leo outside of his comfort zone. They’re out in something Donnie’s built that wasn’t fully tested and Leo reminds him to go slow, just to be safe? Raph’s slamming on the gas. They’re separated from Master Splinter and the only way around the rubble is up towards the surface, something Leo has been taught to fear all his life? Raph is the one who’s talking to him, waiting for him, making sure he’s with them. Even his fear of inadequacy—does anyone else remember when Leo was spending all that extra time with Master Splinter perfecting this one specific kick? When he gets a chance later to use it in battle, it’s Raph (out of his bros) who in the heat of battle takes a moment to watch and rates him on it (only a six because that’s all his fingers. Leo even says “only six?” Which I know is a joke but can you imagine little Leo being used to getting tens from Raph because he’ll use his toes?).

The point is that in the small moments as well as the big ones, right from the very start of the show, Raph knows fear is the big thing Leo’s going to struggle with and he is very deliberately helping him with it.

Then Leo fights Shredder, gets thrown through a window, and it kinda looks like he might not make it. The first thing he says when he wakes up?

I will not live in fear.

We see a pretty big shift in him thereafter. He’s much more confident to pursue what he thinks is right without first consulting Splinter (he still values his input but he’s maturing into his own person). And his fear of spending time on the surface, while always present, I don’t think we ever see being paralyzing again. And it’s Raph who sees this change and gives him the nickname “Fearless Leader.”

It’s usually Raph who calls Leo the leader. Splinter calls them a team, he rarely singles out Leo.

The reason Leo makes such a great leader is because he will always hang onto hope that there is a third option, a way out, an end of the tunnel. And he knows how to impart that hope to his brothers and spur them to action when they might otherwise be overwhelmed.

He knows how to do that because it’s what Raph has been doing for him all their lives.

Donny, the smart one. He didn’t learn that from Raph, right? He’s always simply been a prodigy.

Ahem, in my humble and correct opinion, wrong.

The turtles started mimicking Splinter’s moves when they were little. All of them were obsessed with ninjitsu, because Splinter was obsessed. And you know who, out of all of them, has the most obsessive personality? The most one track mind of anyone ever? The most reserved, passive even? The most likely to have the development of his own personality subsumed by his singular goal of succeeding at the task set in front of him, of perfecting this one specific skill and earning praise from his chosen authority figure?

It’s not Leo. He struggles with this some, but balance is a natural strength of his. Mr. I Literally Will Not Sleep Until I Have Rescued the Underground City, on the other hand….

But you know who is the best at prioritizing his goals, keeping an eye on his surroundings?

Maybe the turtle who’s always watching not only over his own shoulder, but every single one of his brothers’ when they fight together.

So we don’t see any of this. It’s all headcanon territory now. But I think Raph was interested in cars and machinery first. Leo and Mikey didn’t want to talk about it. So he looked around, and there’s Donny, who even Splinter is always saying needs to learn how to take breaks. Donny’s always been a good listener. Once Raph gets him started, he’s hooked—and now he has Two hobbies to obsess over which is slightly healthier than Only One.

I think from there he’d learn how much he loves learning and become obsessed with dinosaurs and other subjects all on his own. But still it’s usually Raph who’s grounding him back in reality when he gets so deep in thought he loses sight of the Task At Hand, or so overly focused on one thing he misses Life-Saving Details (such as, hey bro, there’s a guy standing directly behind you with a sharp weapon).

Anyway we see both Raph and Donny use this skill—whaddaya call it? Multitasking?—during important fights when they’re at their best. It’s elbowing the guy behind them on their way to grab their weapon. It’s throwing enemies at each other or getting out of the way at the exact right moment. And it’s especially, keeping eyes on their team.

So overall, yes, he did learn to be a genius from Raph. Not just from Raph, sure, he had his whole family helping and a lot of his own natural talent. But I think Raph is the one who would have been able to pull him away from his First Chosen Obsession to see that there’s a whole world out there to learn about. And out of all of them, I think Raph had the most interest in learning about the outside world at the earliest age.

Conclusion: In many specific areas Raph is second best, but this is precisely because he’s the one helping his brothers find and fully realize their individual strengths. So Jack of all trades, yes, which is a type of strength a master can’t have, but also a teacher. The skill he is the best at is recognizing and nurturing others skills. In that way (and some others), he is the most like Splinter of all the turtles.

I forgot to make this about his fighting style specifically and just ended up rambling about him, but! His passion by itself makes him near unstoppable, and he has worked hard to add deadly skill to that passion. I care him a normal amount (this is a lie she cares him so much)

[edwinspaynes]

who do you think the dbda (the main four) would like the most and the least out of the tlh gang, and why?

who do you think the cat king's fav would be?

(hope u have a good day 🫶)

this is so amazingly fun because i'm currently writing a crossover fic about these characters! i've written some of their interactions, so i'll answer this ask with supplemental snippets from the case of the five half-angel curiousities!

edwin's favourites are alastair and cordelia.

cordelia, because she reminds him of niko in some ineffable way...

Edwin was fairly certain that the enchantment was either made by someone extremely stupid or extremely malicious, but he was not about to say that. “We know next to nothing as of now,” he said. “A good detective must assess all the facts before drawing conclusions. Luckily, I am good at that, as is the friend we are meeting.” “Friend?” Cordelia was smiling. “Yes. Niko. Do you recall when I told you that you were reminiscent of someone? I was speaking of her.” “She sounds lovely, then,” Cordelia laughed. Alastair rolled his eyes.

and alastair because they share a sense of humor and are gang on matthew sometimes for fun:

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Cordelia said. “Tell me the oddest thing about the world today, something that I’m unlikely to know.” Edwin considered this. “Have you ever been to a Primark?” “What is a Primark?” Cordelia’s voice was curious. “Ridiculously inexpensive clothing store. I am certainly fortunate that I can conjure up whatever outfit I wish with ghost magic; the living sell the lowest-quality things and get excited over them in a way that I simply cannot understand.” Alastair nodded along with him, a superior expression on his face.

(and later also because they have a lot of poignant conversations about, like, edwardian homosexuality...)

charles's favorite is thomas initially and he becomes close with matthew as well as thomas.

charles about thomas:

“Bet,” Charles said. “And also, I like the look of them. Especially the tall guy. Thomas. They’re all solid lads, don’t you think?” “I’m quite honestly concerned about their newly acquired feline friend,” Edwin mused, “but yes. They’re altogether inoffensive. The girl as well. I rather like her. She’s oddly charming.”

charles and matthew:

“I burned it to the ground, if you must know. My school, I mean,” Matthew said, deciding to leave out the fact that he had only made an impact within the South Wing. “Considering what you have just shared, perhaps you would like to know it. I ought to be ashamed, but I was thirteen. And am still rather proud of my ability to create explosives at such a tender age. Such takes far more analytical abilities than you might think.” “I know. I can make Molotov cocktails,” Charles said approvingly. Thomas spoke. “What’s that?”

niko gets along really well with cordelia

<3 :

“I think we should just call the ‘item that underwent factuari’ a ‘factuari,” Niko said. “Do not be silly,” Edwin chided, giving Niko an affected but pointed look. “Factuari is a verb, not a noun. You cannot change parts of speech simply out of personal conveience.” “I’m going to anyway,” Niko said, and because Edwin could not be mad at Niko, he smiled as when rolling his eyes. “I think I will, too,” Cordelia agreed, and Niko looked at her with an approving grin.

crystal immediately adores james, but unfortunately that's in an upcoming scene. they do have an entire chapter to themselves, though, with a little bit of cordelia.

as for the cat king, well, someone i love very much wants to learn how to pop into existence with a chandelier over his head... but i haven't written this chapter yet <3

and a bonus <3

“So,” Edwin said, “what year were you all born? I estimate that we’re likely around the same age, and am quite curious.” Cordelia clapped her hands. “I thought we may have lived during similar time frames as well.” She looked delighted. “I was born in 1886, and Alastair in 1884. I died in 1964; he and Thomas in 1965.” “Both of them?” Edwin asked curiously. “Do you know how some married couples expire within hours of each other?” Cordelia’s eyes were shining. “Well, both Alastair and I did, with James and Thomas. An odd coincidence, but…”

[allyanaleizel]

Hello, internet!

I have a confession to make. I find Instagram too overwhelming now with all the reels and the algorithm. Twitter (now named X) feels like a graveyard. I feel a bit uncomfortable to put my life on TikTok. I don’t think I have the following to start a newsletter. I know I’m not eloquent enough to write amazing things on Medium or Substack. So, where do I go?

Here I am, in the platform where I basically started and learned how to express my creativity. The good ‘ol Tumblr blog. A lot of things have definitely changed and there’s a bit of learning curve into navigating the interface again. I do, however, find some comfort in feeling like I’m just talking to myself. No number of real-time views, no algorithm, and not a single care whether or not I gain followers.

It’s been almost a decade since I last used Tumblr seriously. I know it’s dramatic to say, but this place is truly where I discovered my skills and passion. There was a time when doodles were a thing and I became that girl in high school who would just doodle during math class. I would get scolded by my teachers but it never really bothered me. I also remember getting into coding my own Tumblr themes, that’s why until now some basic CSS/HTML is ingrained into my brain. I learned how to use Photoshop, Paint Tool SAI, etc. I got into digital photography because everyone else on my feed was doing it. Even though I had the most beginner friendly DSLR, I treasured it the most up until college. Basically, I was a sponge. Anything that piques my creative interest, I would always try my best to learn something about it.

10 years later.

Sometimes when we look at our current self and where we are now, we tend to overlook the progress we’ve made throughout the years. Writing this somehow makes me smile. Because even though I know deep down that I’m not a hundred percent satisfied with who I am at the moment, I know that the person I described in my last paragraph is extremely proud of our progress. I wish I could tell her that we graduated at our dream university with flying colors and best solo thesis award. I wish I could tell her about the projects we’ve done and that we have a published children’s book locally. Lastly, I wish I could tell her that the things that made her feel “weird” in high school is now her part of her career that funds her bills, little travels, and dates with self & friends.

I am, by no means, saying that I am successful by society’s standard. There are boxes in my artist career checklist written 5 years ago that I no longer what to pursue. I am the kind of person who believes that success is defined by one’s self, and it’s not only limited to career but your life as a whole.

The shift.

If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you might’ve read a couple of stories I’ve shared about struggling with burnout and finding motivation to create personal art again. At first I was convinced that it was just a creative burnout. But, a burnout can’t possibly last for years, right? 😅 My second theory is that maybe deep down I wanted to just prioritize having a creative day job, since it brings in money to pay the bills. My last theory is how I feel like I’ve associated my creativity to my emotions, and that I could only create when I’m really going through something. (Like a heartbreak or during the peak of the panini.) And since I’m at my happiest state, I no longer feel the need to escape through art.

Whether it’s a burnout or something else, I do believe that I’m just taking my time. Quoting Ursula from Kiki’s Delivery Service, "Stop trying. Take long walks. Look at scenery. Doze off at noon. Don’t even think about flying. And then, pretty soon, you’ll be flying again.”

I don’t want to put myself in a box.

When you have a lot of interests, it’s kind of difficult to find an outlet for all the things that you want do. The internet advice always seem to tell you to “find a niche and stick with it.” But…what if I don’t want to? I really thought my dream was to become an independent illustrator, but somehow I found myself enjoying design too. As I described earlier, I am the kind of person who likes to explore anything that piques her creative interest — and this took me a while to fully embrace. Throughout the years, I also learned that I have non-creative skills that can thrive in a workplace such as team & project management. So why put myself in a box when there’s so much more out there that I can try out?

I still have a lot to figure out, but I’m slowly trying to get back to things I enjoy doing. I’m just really calm and happy right now being the most basic adult with her day job on weekdays and doing her silly little chores on weekends.

Whew, this is one lengthy post. Maybe I am a yapper, after all. Haha! But I do hope to share more of my life and thoughts here. If you’re still reading this, thank you and I hope you have a great rest of your day!

All love and sunshine,

Allyana

[mrcarmenile]

prepare for me yapping to no one about one of my proudest life lessons 👍

when i was younger, and i was particularly nice and empathetic and emotionally intelligent and patient with loved ones who weren’t always the same with me (and weren’t always like “omg 😍 you’re the best person ever for all these reasons i’m going to individually list out and appreciate!”), i would be bitter. i would be bitter because i thought if i went all in in certain areas, that means they should too. i was wrong

of course, if you treat someone so well and they don’t reciprocate enough or say thank you enough or are even straight up unappreciative, they’re being the asshole. you deserve the reciprocation and respect and gratitude, obviously. however, while a lot of me was (and still am, although a bit different) treating people with my best because i wanted them to simply Feel Good or Loved or Better, i also partially did it because i was craving the same exact reciprocation. meaning, if i responded to a person being sad with paragraphs of support and love, i would expect them to do that same thing for me

i know now that it’s naive to think like that, and that just because i CHOSE to give more than i probably should to others, they are not obligated to do the same, especially if they are not clear in the head in that moment in time/of their lives. i was the reason i was disappointed, and i was the reason i was bitter

sometimes i still feel incredibly bitter. (nowadays, it only lasts for VERY short periods of time, but alas.) i will do something for someone and expect the exact same from them in return (and pissed when i don’t receive it), but that’s sometimes a very unreasonable expectation. if i put ALL my passion or mental energy into one thing for someone else (which i probably shouldn’t do since that’s pretty extreme), why should they have to put all their energy in, too? they could have less energy than me and they could be (and should be) using a lot of it for other things. and then there’s the case of when i’m better at something than someone else. such as patience, or being generally more emotionally intelligent than them, etc. sure, that someone else can learn to be better at that specific thing, and if it’s an important thing then they probably should, but not often should i expect them to be as good as me (especially if i already know they aren’t). i could sit around and be bitter about it, OR i could just not put so much of me into helping/talking to other people (which i have been doing because the extent in which i did it when i was younger was genuinely unhealthy), OR i could continue to do exactly what i was doing before and just learn to not be as bitter about.

when it comes to the latter option, i also do that a lot sometimes. probably not healthy, but i don’t do it nearly as often or to the extent of how i did before, so it’s still improvement. over these past few years, i’ve learned that i COULD sit here and punch my pillows and whine about how i wish everyone was as good as me at a lot of things, and how much i wish everyone suddenly would write paragraphs about how great i am for all the work i do. or i could not do that, and not refer to me acting caring to my loved ones as “work” (because what the fuck??), and just calm down a little and appreciate the other ways people show me their appreciation that I’VE probably been overlooking. they might be feeling the same as me. i might be a massive hypocrite. so i learned to not be

and i will forever be proud of that. i will forever be proud of where i am today and the lessons i’ve learned, and the lessons i still have to learn. i will (probably) stand my ground if i ever think i am being taken for granted or underappreciated, and i WAS in a lot of cases, but i also wasn’t in a lot of cases. sometimes i was just being whiny and mopey. however valid my mopiness may be, it honestly makes things worse for me and like everyone else i know, and while i can’t always control it, i can definitely limit it. and i should be more realistic with the amounts i expect in return, if i choose to go above and beyond, it should not be because i expect something in return. no one has to go above and beyond

anyways that concludes my yapping. point is i love the person i have become today, and i wanna brag about it 😊

[babyfairy]

here’s a much needed life updates post! even though generally speaking not a whole lot has happened lol

life has been pretty difficult since i lost my grandpa truthfully. it’s been a lot of struggling since then. lately in particular (as in the last few months) i’ve been struggling mentally more than ever. i think im going through one of those really painful transitional/growth periods (which figures, it’s about time for my saturn return) but i also think i am neurodivergent in some way? as in im like 99.99999% sure i am neurodivergent. i can’t think of any other explanation for the way my brain works and for the way i am struggling.

it’s weird because i have a lot of guilt about exploring the idea of possibly being neurodivergent. i’ve been talking with my doctor about it and every time we’re done talking i feel like im a liar or that im manipulating her or others into believing i could be neurodivergent in order to have an excuse for just not being a good person, friend, daughter, sister etc. i’ve been talking with her about OCD specifically. there are a lot of things im learning about OCD that i relate to and that have been completely taking over my life since the death of my grandfather. but i also relate to a lot of the traits of autism, so truthfully i don’t really know what’s going on and not knowing has been isolating and sort of difficult and scary. i have this intense need to know what’s “wrong” with me or why i act/think/feel the way i do. i think that in and of itself is a symptom but i’ve always been that way. i think i have trouble relinquishing control. and lately i just feel very out of control. my work, friendships, family life, self esteem, and everything all just feel extremely unstable lmao and i know the primary reason is me. because i’m always bracing for the next terrible thing to happen and i’m always worried about ruining everything or hurting someone or i don’t even know what. i worry every moment that i am awake.

i’ve been adjusting my meds under the advice of my doctor and a psychiatrist and im trying to get back into therapy but god is it intimidating lol! i don’t know why! i think the thought of starting all over with a new therapist just scares me a lot. i know i have to do it though because i can’t manage this on my own anymore at all. and i have no idea how to make it any better or manage my stress. so physically and mentally im doing really poorly. i think maybe worse than ever. but i’m alive lol and i’m trying to get back to a point where i feel ok and not so paranoid and distressed all the time. im just trapped in this horrible cycle. it’s really frustrating. and i just want to understand why but i don’t for now and i have to be ok with that.

it isn’t all bad though lol and i do have things to look forward to. im trying my best to build and deepen new relationships so i feel less isolated. being agoraphobic in your early 20s really does a number on your social life!!! i managed to get beyoncé tickets and im planning on flying to visit some of my closest friends later this year. so i have things to look forward to and that helps keep me going on the days where i just want to give up. it’s hard 😅 but hopefully it won’t be this hard for too much longer and i’ll be able to look back on this time period and feel proud of myself for pushing past it. because right now truthfully i just feel ashamed and sad most of the time. i think shame and guilt are like my primary emotions lol. and just general tiredness. but i’m trying my best to claw my way out of it

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hello, I was wondering if I could get a Tokyo Revengers match-up if you still do them!

Appearance: I'm a female turning 18 this year, I have mid-length hair which is dark blonde (almost brown-), I have light blue eyes and I wear glasses. I have light skin due to not being under the sun too often and that makes my moles pretty much more visible haha

I have a tattoo on my arm! It's the dopamine molecule.

Personality: I'm a passionate individual, I have tons of hobbies and I find it hard to pursue them all. I am pretty much sociable and I like to take charge of situations, but when my social battery runs out I don't speak to anyone for a few days.

I can keep a cool temper most of the time but it's better for anyone to not see me snap: my words cut more than knives, I'm not gonna lie.

I am supportive and loving towards my friends, I like to take care of them and I cannot stop reminding them how much I love them. I'm extremely loyal towards my people.

I seem pretty shy at first but when you get to know me I'm extremely chaotic and childish at times haha

Likes: I love going on adventures! Like going on late-night drives, going on a midnight bath in the sea... Trying new things (I like going to amusement parks)! I'm quite touchy so I adore hugs. I love drawing, writing reading, working out and especially running.

I like science subjects and overall going to school because I like learning new things!

Dislikes: I despise people who are closed-minded and disrespectful. I detest studying history and literature in general, I can't help it since I get bored easily.

Overall, I've struggled a lot in my life to become the person I am today (which I'm proud of) and that's why I feel the motherly instinct to protect the people around me and guide them if they are struggling.

I hope this wasn't too long and I apologise for any mistakes since English isn't my mother language (I'm Italian).

Sending you lots of love, sunshine, I wish you the most amazing day!💞

Hi. Thank you for the love. I’m sending it back. You don’t have anything to apologize for. You did great and it wasn’t too long at all. Please enjoy your matchup and I hope to hear from you again.

You Got…

Shuji Hanma!!!!

First off, he loves the tattoos

He’s pretty open to anything as long as it’s exciting.

He’s bored too, so he would make sure that nothing you two do is boring.

SO MANY ADVENTURES. He hates doing nothing so be prepared for dates at all hours of the day. He would love late nights especially. Seems like the guy to enjoy the night!

You two are both chaos but it would work so well. I think your chaos would balance out his chaos.

Would follow you to the moon and back. And if you needed to relax I think he would let you with only mild complaints. He can’t help it. That’s just Shuji. He’s bored a lot.

Would love you when you are calm, but would love you even more when you snap. He likes seeing his girl be a boss and not take BS from no one!

[hargrove-mayfields]

tag game, stranger things edition!

i was tagged by @thatgirlwithasquid and @intothedysphoria, thanks y’all, I really appreciate it! 💕

1. ride or die ship/otp : Hellcheergroveton! every combination in this ship is adorable and it has all my favs too ☺️

2. most annoying ship : m*leven. I am beyond tired of watching a young disabled girl be taken advantage of and have it be treated as romantic. El deserves to live partner free, and M*ke deserves to go in the whole garbage can.

3. second favorite ship : Hollogrove. Since it’s not part of the core hellcheergroveton relationship, I’ll branch out a little and bring in my girl Heather. I love her and Billy I’m a relationship and can totally see them spending the rest of their lives together ♥️

4. favorite platonic dynamic : Billy and Max, or Dustin and Steve. Or Steve and Gareth. Cause I headcanon Gareth as becoming Steve’s caregiver after the events of the show leave him with cognitive and physical disabilities

5. underrated ship : Hollogrove, Cunningway, Pompompineapple, Stonathan, Cheerscoops, Calicheer, Rockie, Stargyle, Cammy, Kegboys, Steather, Argilly, and so many more but I’ll stop there.

6. overrated ship : Any of the fruity four (it makes me wanna gag just typing it) ships. I haven’t looked in the fandom tags for a year because it’s oversaturated with passionless, factory produced, carbon-copy fanworks that look like Harringrove fics put through ai to be rewritten as St*ddie, or Buckleway into r*nance. I’m sick of it. It’s boring. I’ll come up with my own steddie content, thanks.

7. one thing to change in canon : Everything. Not even joking. I’m going blorbo shopping and bringing all my favs back to my dollie house to play fix-it.

8. something canon did right : Um. I guess letting actors put in feedback and details of their own. Like Millie choosing for El to touch Billy’s cheek, Dacre giving us backstory on Billy’s mom and also on Billy’s disability (BPD), both he and Joe Keery refusing the original scripts, Joe Quinn improvising Eddie’s crush on Chrissy, and so on. All of the actor choices are the only good things about the show at this point.

9. a thing I’m proud of creating for the fandom : @disabledbillyandsteveweek! There's more information about the event over on the blog, but basically it’s an event starting in about two weeks meant to highlight Billy and Steve as disabled characters, through all kinds of fan works and different ships!

10. a character who is perfect to me : Christine Renée-Beth Cunningham. Nobody compares to my cheer girl.

11. the most relatable character and why : Also Chrissy. She reminds me a lot of myself, especially how I was when I was still in highschool, being timid and struggling a lot with my mental health. I wish she could have grown and gotten help and felt better since I’m on my journey to doing so right now, but I’m forever grateful to have seen a character with an eating disorder and an abusive family on screen, portrayed in a heartfelt and generous way- all thanks to miss Grace Van Dien

12. character I hate most and why : Neil, Karen (actually just the Wheelers in general except little Holly), Brenner, Owens, the lady that shot Benny, literally so many of them. Anyone who intentionally and unabashedly hurts other characters without remorse.

13. something I’ve learned from the fandom : To be patient, because even when things seem tough or impossible, we can make it. Together, with friends who understand us, and who share our pain, we can fight and keep going! Especially because this community will always have folks who understand and have our backs, we just have to find them ❤️❤️

14. three tags I seek out on ao3 : I actually don’t read fic on ao3. The extreme amounts of severely triggering content hosted on that site is just too much for me and I can never seem to avoid it. I only post to ao3 because I know people find it easily accessible, but I had one too many mix-ups that led to me being in a terrible state of mind, so I discontinued using the site.

15. a song I strongly associate with otp and/or favorite character : I’ll never shut up about “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce. Conveniently off the same record as Hop has on Vinyl and Cassette, it’s my favorite song ever because it’s so tender and loving and even though it’s old people music yall should give it a listen. It applies to any ship, but especially packs a punch with Harringrove. Also “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John.

I’ll tag: @eddie-munsons-guitar86 @honey-tongued-devil @martianclown @hephaestn @jaylikesrainbowtigers @denkiddo1 @enchanted-day-dreams @stranger-themes-blog @ratbastardbilly @thinger-strang But there’s no pressure to do it! You absolutely don’t have to if you already have or if you just don’t feel like it! <3

[fe14festivalofbondstranslations]

Hoshidan Festival: Peri and Ophelia Parent-Child Conversation

I refreshed myself on Peri and Odin’s support conversations before writing this, and realized I’d totally forgotten about it. It’s cute! It involves Peri going to an anger management class and becoming the head of their society. While their conversation isn’t actually mentioned, it kind of ties in here, as Peri seems to think of her murderous tendencies as a problem and is proud of Ophelia for coming up with a self-control spell. Also, this is one of the few places int he game where Peri’s mismatched irises are mentioned! That’s pretty cool. I wonder if Ophelia would someday be able to manufacture a spell to change her own eye color, hmm... Or maybe she’ll invent colored contacts.

Ophelia: (quivering with anger) “...O menacing heart of mine, still yourself… I beg of you! Be still!!  Urgh…  At a time like this I suppose I have no choice but to use that spell, the new one I learned to acheive greater control over myself… Counsel Baganded!  ……  Whew. I think that’s a little better.” (T/N:  Since many of Odin and Ophelia’s spells have parallels in the FE world, I tried to look up one for コンソール・バガンデッド, but couldn’t find anything, so I just transliterated it literally. If anyone knows what it’s supposed to be, please let me know so I can correct it.)

Peri: “Ophelia, what’s wrong? You look really troubled.”

Ophelia: “Mother…  …I don’t really understand myself lately… If things don’t go the way I wish them to, I get the urge to annihilate the people of this world…” (T/N: That sounds  a little extreme, but I’m certain she’s specifically talking about killing everyone within sight in this outrealm world, not that she literally wants to kill everyone in their home world. Because, wow, that would be a little intense.)

Peri: “Huh?”

Ophelia: “Isn’t it terrible? I was just feeling that way right now, so I cast a self-control spell on myself.”

Peri: “That’s a wonderful spell. But, if you feel that way, that might mean…”

Ophelia: “Aaaaah, I feel as though I am teetering on the edge! We took great lengths to come all the way out here for a special festival,  and I so desired to go to that stall to buy dumplings and eat them with you…  But now the bandits have razed that stall so it no longer exists…” (more angry shaking)  “Aaaaah! I once again I feel the need to kill all those bandits!”

Peri: “N-no, Ophelia! You need to calm down! That… That must be me. You got that from me. That’s all my fault!”

Ophelia: “Huh? Is that so?”

Peri: “When I’m upset, I want to swing a weapon at someone. And then when I see the pretty red blood splattering around, I feel better. So I really understand how you feel.”

Ophelia: “It, it’s true that when I get like this, seeing something red calms me down… That’s why I usually carry around this sacred red stone, the ‘Bloody Fire Opal.’ So I see, this is your blood within me… This is the power I inherited from you…”

Peri: “Ophelia, you look really sad again. I’m sorry… That’s not a very nice thing to get from your mommy…”

Ophelia: “Oh, it’s not that at all! There is absolutely no reason for you to apologize! I am almost literally trembling with joy at the mysteries of the blood that courses through my body!”

Peri: “R-really?”

Ophelia: “Yes. Though this blood of mine is rather unsafe, if I use a spell to suppress those murderous urges then I probably will do no serious harm…  More importantly, I’m happy to know I take after you.”

Peri: “Ophelia…! Thanks. I’m very happy. I mean, you mostly take after Odin, so to find a way you take after me… That makes me happy.”

Ophelia: “Well, if I inherited anything from you, I wish it had been your eye color.”

Peri: “My eye color?”

Ophelia: “Yes! Your eyes are different colors, Mother! It is astoundingly amazing!! There aren’t many people like that around…  It really makes it feel like you’re a chosen one!”

Peri: “Well then you and me need to spend a lot of time together! If we do, maybe your eyes will slowly start to change color.”

Ophelia: “Wow, for real?! Just thinking about it makes my maiden’s heart flutter!” (T/N: The "wow, for real?!” is in Peri’s childish way of talking. Hard to render that in English when it’s such a short line! Ophelia and Peri don’t speak all that differently, honestly.)

Peri: “Ahaha, it sounds like we talk the same way all of a sudden. The day that your eyes change color can’t be far away! So, let’s go and smash up some bandits. We’ll spend time together after!”

Ophelia: “Yeah! Behold, the twinkling of Ophelia Dusk, as she dreams of differently colored irises!”

[rianafying]

was away from my phone for a day and it feels like i haven’t been on tumblr in ages.

it’s 2am rn, raining heavily, im enjoying this a lot. but i can’t help but feel overwhelmed by all the tasks that await me. just always, generally, in life. they’re not difficult to people, but they’re near impossible to me. i feel very scared very often. stability feels foreign and instability feels awful. cried a lot at the protest today, i can’t do protests they’re emotionally just too much for me. i’ve been daydreaming about falling in love. nobody in my mind, just generally, the idea of love. which is good i guess? it’s healthy to want it. i’m not as damaged as i had feared. but i really need to get a little more control over my life. drinking tea really helps with the nerves. gives me clarity. shuts down most of the chaos in my head makes it so that i can follow and complete one train of thought at a time. feels like a miracle drug but it’s just plain black tea, the cheapest most generic one i could find. crazy i know. i’ve been rewatching bridgerton. i really do love the show. and i have the fattest crush on jonathan bailey. embarrassing i know. it’s my guilty pleasure show. found some good music lately. new stuff. on repeat. added to my coming of age summer playlist. the age being 24. i can’t believe im going to be 24 soon and im so proud of myself not for anything i’ve achieved but instead for starting to let go of my obsession with achievement. there’s no good reason to torture oneself over never finding enough success under the horrible system that is capitalism. nothing is ever enough. makes me think of dc, when he said if you can, take my hand, i promise you’ll find love again, love again. very unrelated but also extremely related to my current situation. not soon though. i really hope it’s not soon. i’m enjoying my solitude. i swear the next time i do this whole love thing it’s going to be so different from anything i have ever experienced before. if there even is a next time. only time shall tell. i think time is the only thing can can be told and do the telling. i might be wrong, there might be a hundred other things. but. back to life as i know it today, i should sleep. i should shower then i should apply my medicine then i should sleep. i should also drink water. very very important. crazy how so much work is essential for the body to keep on living. and how it lets you know very aggressively when it has not had enough. food, sleep, movement, sun, medicine, and the list goes on. there’s so much stuff i need to throw out. so many people whose messages i have to reply to. i often forget because 90% of texting is just formality and roughly 10% is actual information exchange. i don’t think i’ve ever truly been missed by someone. my friends always say they miss me. i miss them dearly, but i can’t imagine being missed. like to think that they felt my absence and “missed” “me”. what a crazy world and what a lucky girl i am. at least in this regard. i wonder why hank and john have not spoken up about palestine. i wonder how anyone i have ever respected could stay silent while witnessing cruelty of this level. i’m not even a sjw or a particularly passionate activist. i don’t normally feel like everyone needs to care about something. but this? this is just. beyond. just beyond. everything. i worshipped hank and john. they taught me almost everything i know and i never thought i could ever be let down by them. yet here i am. learned my lesson about worshipping people. but what about god? god is so much worse, like asfsgshdjdkdldlflkkkl. it’s nearly 3am. i always do this. i always stay up too late the night before an important gig. it’s the over thinking that keeps me from peace. i’ll take some stevia w me to the studio so i can make my tea when im there! my brain.

i hope i don’t have to move back to bangladesh, because it is terrible over there. especially now that im seeing all the election season atrocities. i dont know what will happen in my life but i know that im trying my best. i’m always trying to prove myself, but to whom? who am i trying to answer to? pobody’s nerfect, i need to take it easy. goodnight for now.