#i don’t follow phil’s health issues very closely

[fictionandmusic]

very fun to hear dan & phil describe dan’s long covid symptom (orthostatic hypotension) when they’re about to go on an international aren tour & expose themselves and audiences to covid at a huge scale !

[smp-live]

Was scrolling through c!Wilbur crit blogs again and it got me thinking about why exactly I argue in favour of him so much so here’s a random ramble (that got long) about it:

Most c!Wilbur critics (at least, in the tag, not directly post-lore stream. The ones that do actual analysis on him) are like... really reasonable about it, actually, lmao. Like it’s mostly just calling him a bad person because of power hunger/manipulation/being a bad dad/whatever else. (Not talking about antis. I mean people who are really critical of him, but recognize that he’s a well-crafted character with nuance.)

Which I agree with! I consider myself an apologist, my writing and analysis leans really sympathetic, and I still agree that he’s a shitty rat bastard that I would run far away from irl. Even at the beginning of the story, he’s very morally grey, sometimes using underhanded persuasion tactics, doing ehh things like stealing, and it only gets worse from there.

But on the other hand, he’s... not that bad. Like I saw one person say about c!Dream, “My reaction to most critique of him is... so what?” and that’s how I feel about c!Wilbur, I suppose. Yeah, he tried to rig an election - but it was a last-ditch effort at not going full dictator, he didn’t follow through, and later on he - in part - decided to blow it up because they couldn’t get it back while being democratic. And yeah, he manipulated people - all in all, it wasn’t really really bad things, mostly to paint himself in a better light because of his insecurities, and people sometimes fall into manipulative language without even outwardly realizing that it’s a shitty thing to do. Of course, that shows a bigger underlying problem in their mindset and the way they interpret relationships and possession, but then that’s a different discussion - and definitely one that applies to c!Wilbur.

(Not saying he doesn’t ever intentionally manipulate people. I think that a. sometimes it might be accidental, (”If you wanna be President you’re gonna have to get on my good side,” mans was Not thinking straight,) and b. other times he falls into old habits/coping mechanisms that happen to be manipulation, (Tommy at Las Nevadas.) Other than the election and maybe some times in the early founding of L’Manberg, I can’t think of any moments where I’m like, “Yeah, he is Purposefully Manipulating here.” And even then, it just doesn’t strike me as a terrible thing. People manipulate, it’s a thing they do. That’s it. A morally grey action.)

And I think the majority of the reason I make more posts painting him in a positive light and don’t really discuss my critique of him is because it feels like the fandom has an overwhelming bias of hatred/crit, even if a lot of that isn’t, y’know, proper analysis of his character. I instinctively want to balance it out for this character I love/relate to, because a lot of what I see straight-up ignores the lighter side of his moral-greyness.

Like, a while back, I posted a couple clips from late-election arc, of Wilbur talking about how he feels about Fundy siding with Quackity and against him. And the way I initially saw it while watching was, “Okay. He feels betrayed by his son who disagrees with his politics - and thus, him as a person, because your politics are a reflection of your identity, especially in Wilbur’s mind - and it’s perfectly understandable that he’d want to vent about that in private to a close friend. On the other hand, he should be able to recognize that Fundy’s allowed to be his own person and shouldn’t be babied. Fundy is in the right, here, but Wilbur’s feelings shouldn’t be dismissed.”

But then 90% of the tags were just straight-up hate for c!Wilbur, going as far as to say that he should die again. (And this was after we found out how bad the afterlife was for him.) That fucking floored me. I just couldn’t understand how they took this nuanced character aching for ‘the son he knew’ back (hm. very similar to c!Phil, actually) and turned it into ‘wow. This suicidal man sucks and should maybe die.’ I was so close to making a post defending him before realizing - I was letting fandom bias against a character push me further onto the sympathetic side.

And that’s such a fuckin’ weird thing to have happen, because you’d think that exposure to negativity about a character would make you feel more negative about them? But without fail, every time I scroll through the crit tag, or read a critical post about c!Wilbur/L’Manberg, I maybe lean a bit more towards that side for a few hours before swinging back hard onto the apologist side. Because a lot of the critique, to me, is really just, “so what?” after I let it stew a bit.

Then there’s the whole mental health issue. Obviously it doesn’t excuse the shit he did - I know people who have been in the middle of breakdowns and the stuff they say still fucking hurts, even if they didn’t truly mean it. But recognizing that he needs help? That for pretty much all his time on-screen, he was depressed and paranoid, which obviously affects the way he acts? That’s obvious. And were he in the position to get professional help - which he deserves - everything would be much better off. That’s the root of my apologism, I think: He deserves to get better. He’s not inherently evil, or bad, just a fucked up little man who’s ruined his own life and needs help. I want to see him, specifically him, get better.

Narratively, his punishment has been extreme and disproportionate. Every mistake, every choice - good or bad - has led to suffering, on his part. Start a fun little rebellion, maybe to gain some power? War and betrayal. Declare an election to consolidate said power? Lose, and get exiled. Blow up a nation? Die, and even in the afterlife, he can't catch a break. Purely as a sympathetic human, it feels like he deserves to rest. Deserves to heal.

But even medicated and less anxious, or going to therapy for his neuroticism and depression, or whatever, he still would be quite morally grey. A lot of his manipulation, his power hunger, comes from this neuroticism; from needing to feel safe and needed, (just like Quackity.) Not all of it, though. He’d still have his unhealthy ideals about relationships and possession, for example. Less prominent, sure, but still there. Some people, I feel, discount how tied up with his mental illness it is, while others don’t really recognize that it’s also a personality problem. Like, changing those beliefs is changing part of who he fundamentally is, as a person.

Actually, I think the c!Wilbur apologist community, in general, tends to scapegoat his mental illness a little too much? Not in that we explain his actions with it or ask people not to villainize it, (although sometimes I feel that what we call villainizing mental illness is a bit excessive, but it’s not my place to talk about that as someone who doesn’t really relate to Pogtopia!Wilbur,) but in that we use it in discussions a lot. Which is fair, because it permeates every single aspect of his character, but even without it he’d have toxic traits? Like his possessiveness is not purely a byproduct of his mental illness, imo. Nor is his treatment of Fundy. It’s amplified by it, surely, but that little seed of it is there in the first place. Just as c!Dream’s abuse needs to be addressed as a central part of his character, c!Wilbur’s possessiveness does too - and also outside of the context of their mental health, because they’re both brought on by an internal personality flaw, some fucked-up belief, if that makes sense.

As I said before: c!Wilbur is a mess of a human being that I would hate if I actually met. (irl I would’ve been a SWAG supporter, based on policies, but since this is fiction, I was POG.) But because he’s a character, that flies out the window, and I can love him - not even just as a character, in the sense that I appreciate he’s well-crafted, but in terms of personality and all that shit, while recognizing he’s a kinda crappy guy. Because he’s a character. That’s the fun of it.

[moon-kissed-witch]

Will you tell the Dr Phil story?

Due to the nature of this show, I'm sure you can assume that this involves a messy situation. In this case it involved mental illness. I'm going to do my best to avoid being graphic about it, which the show didn't because they care about shock value, but I see no reason for excessive descriptions of gore.

Okay so the episode was about an internet "celebrity." I knew her. Like she lived in the same area as me, and even though I never saw her in person I had her on both Facebook and Snapchat, we had friends, blah blah blah.

The reason she was on the show was because she was popular for showing and talking about her self harm. At first it was just positivity, like "Hey, this is my body, I don't have to hide it or be ashamed of it just because I have scars." And that was cool and positive. But it blew up and the attention that came with it enabled her problem and made it so, so much worse.

Not only did she start talking more and more graphically about her issues, but she began doing live streams with open, gaping wounds, drinking vodka straight from the bottle every ten minutes, talking about how many stitches she had at the moment, and just completely changing the narrative around the subject. She wasn't being praised for accepting herself, she was being praised for publicly destroying herself. The worse she got, the more fans she had telling her they loved her. It would make anyone worse, not just her. Positive social re-enforcement is a hell of a thing to fight when humans are by nature social creatures.

So, here's where I come in. Like I said, I sort of knew her. I talked to her a few times, but the few times I did talk to her were alarming to say the least. When I mentioned that I also had struggled with self harm, she immediately asked me to show her my scars. Which, as someone who spent a lot of time in inpatient wards, it can be validating to see other people who struggle with the same visible problem you do. (I had a roommate who I'm still friends with who asked to touch my scars and I let her, it never felt violating or uncomfortable, it never felt bad, we were just talking about what we'd been through)

The thing here is that the conversation sounded like a competition. Every time. She talked a lot about how many times she was in the hospital and what she did and how her mom was a nurse so she gave her stitches and mopped up her blood. I don't want to say it sounded like bragging exactly, but I will say that she definitely sounded like an addict, which she was, but not one that was looking to recover.

(She's doing much better now and I'm very proud of her. When people are addicted to anything, whether that's a behavioral addiction or a chemical one, it radically alters their behavior and I don't think it's fair to judge her character as a person based on this. But regardless, it wasn't healthy for anyone involved.)

Now, this wasn't mentioned on the show because it wasn't deemed relevant, but one time I was in the cardiac unit because of a suicide attempt and the first thing she did was tell me that what I did wouldn't actually kill me. Which, regardless of if it's true (in this case it wasn't. I won't list methods of suicide but the damage done was serious enough to land me sedated on a ventilator, in the operating room, and then the icu. It was a literal near death experience, bright light and out of body and all that bullshit. So yeah I'm still bitter about that comment but moving on), is never acceptable to say to someone who attempted suicide. Ever.

So at that point, I was furious and just done. Personally, that is. I decided I would no longer interact with someone who was going to seemingly minimize the pain I was in and the harm I was causing to myself. She was still online doing her thing.

Eventually there was an online petition to get her removed from social media, which didn't happen but it did get enough controversial attention to land her on the show. I ended up talking to the woman who started the petition about my experience with her personally, as well as my concern for her because of how clearly she was spiraling and how she was being cheered on for it. She thought it was significant enough to ask me if someone from the show could contact me and I said yes. I told them the whole thing but they only chose to relay part of it, which is fine. It wasn't about me, it was about her and her health.

After the show her online presence diminished significantly, which is probably for the better, but she said that the show only brought on bullying and was bad for her health. I have mixed feelings on my involvement. I don't like that she was bullied and publicly humiliated, and that I indirectly contributed to that. It also gave me insight as to how the people on this show are treated, because I could tell by her reactions that none of this was what she'd anticipated. But if it did help her recover in any way, then that's positive. I'm not close enough to her to know, but I do feel bad about how horribly she was bullied following her appearance.

Edit: PLEASE do not look for this if you are triggered my images of scars or self harm. Half the videos that are suggested aren't even the episode, but videos of people's own, potentially very triggering, scars and sometimes cuts. Addictive behaviors are often extremely competitive in the mind of addicts, even recovered ones. Part of that can be due to personality but part of it is that we live in a society where if you're not the sickest, people are under the impression that you don't need help. This is not true. Please keep yourself safe.

[i-dont-want-your-hysteria]

a message.

This whole post is full of things I’ve wanted to say for a very long time. So yes, this is going to be very long.

Before I begin, I just wanted to say I’m sorry to the innocent people who had nothing to do with this. I’ve never ever been involved with online/fandom drama before, I hate being in this position so fucking much with all my heart and soul, and I never thought in my whole life that I’d be in this position, either.

Secondly, this is about the DEF LEPPARD FANDOM ON TUMBLR. If you’re not part of this fandom, kindly fuck off :^) This is not about you.

This post explains why I feel this way. And to those innocent people who aren’t involved with this, I’m sincerely sorry if any of this has changed your opinions of me.

I’m in a mood and a half, so I’ll do my best to effectively tell everything from my perspective. Read if you want, but this is just what I’m thinking.

I’ve been running this blog for almost three years now. When I first joined this fandom on tumblr at the beginning of 2018, there wasn’t really a ‘fandom’ per se; all the main blogs were dead, no one ever really posted, and there wasn’t much content. I decided to start a DL blog of my own to vent my love into it and not spam my main account. 

Within a month, I could quickly see that some sort of renaissance was happening in this fandom; more blogs were popping up, more people were posting, and more people were just participating in general. There were memes now, there were conversations now- it was great! There was a real community; it was all about sharing information, spewing our love, getting creative, and interacting! 

There was integrity, and there was respect for the band as well as one another.

I, as part of this community, wanted to do everything in my physical power to contribute in any way I could. I was insanely active and hyper-productive and could not be stopped. I still haven’t stopped, but I certainly have slowed down significantly (due to lack of new activity from the band and increased mental health issues I won’t get into). I don’t want to be self-centered and say that I was “running” this branch of the fandom for the past 2.7 years, but I was certainly a big player in it, and I feel everyone agreed (and some still agree) with that as well.

There were some times where disagreements happened. There were times where many of us knew that someone else was crossing a line in a post. We knew what qualified as “not okay” in terms of being perverted and such. We’d solve this by not blaming, not hounding, not sending anon hate, not calling out, but by presenting facts, talking maturely, and trying to right the wrongs as maturely as we could.

Yes, it was possible. Was.

I don’t think you guys realize just how much content I’ve contributed to this fandom. I have spent basically every single day of the past 3-ish years trying to spread information/content/photos/videos/links/etc. to everyone who follows me (and everyone who doesn’t). This fandom was (and I cannot stress this enough), literally my entire life for the past 3 odd years, and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life contributing to it the way I’ve been.

I don't think anyone on here realizes everything that I have done for this community. Because of me:

this fandom has access to Animal Instinct for free

this fandom has access to the rare picture disc interview

this fandom has numerous scans of photos that may have not ended up online otherwise (I also paid $70 to have access to some of these. You're welcome.)

we have Fabulist Icons content

we have a decent amount of fanfiction that doesn't only focus on the boys banging each other/sex in general (seriously, this simply didn’t exist on here before I started posting my shit)

we have a little more fan art

we have content from Phil's and Ross's books

we have hundreds (yes, literally, HUNDREDS) of edits/moodboards/memes/etc. that I made myself

we have gifsets of things that no one else would have made

we have achieved justice a lot of the time when content was stolen because I have defended everyone without question/rallied up armies the second I heard it happened

some of you have gotten updates on news/facts/history/details/etc. that you’ve never even heard of

probably a shit ton more things, but that’s all I can think of for now. You get the point.

But that’s only half the story. This band and fandom has given me so much to cherish over the past few years.

Because of this fandom and the people (that were once) in it, I have:

met Rick in person

met, quite honestly, my two best friends ever, @ballistic-lipstick-dream-machine (my true Terror Twin) and @paper-sxn (adopted little sister/cousin)

became in contact with Phil's guitar tech from the mid-80s (Mike)

gained creative ambition to play guitar, create art, write stories, make edits/gifs, travel, and basically just better myself

began a record collection that is now in the hundreds and gained a lot of knowledge from it

discovered a whole new genre of music

found a community/culture where, for the very very first time in my life, I felt like I BELONGED.

fallen in love with something and someone for the first time

felt like I actually mattered to people, like I was actually important (because people would always come to me for information or help if they needed it)

basically impacted every corner of my life

just about a million other things, too, but I will be here all night if I try to list them all.

To put it delicately: Def Leppard and this fandom on tumblr absolutely changed my life, and was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

I have spread so much information around, you newer people wouldn't imagine. I have gathered and seen so much information, you wouldn't believe how much I know and how much I've learned. I have bounced back and forth between formats time after time again that I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. I have edited so many things on non-professional programs that I am an MS paint expert. I have been here so long, that I’ve seen 98% of the people in this branch of the fandom rotate in and out at least two or three times. 

That being said, all of the toxic people in this fandom will most likely be gone within the next 6 months. 

Def Leppard has taught me so much, but a big thing was love and loyalty. It's clear that the majority of people in this fandom (read my lips- I am N O T saying anyone’s names. I mean that.) do not know the meanings of either of these words. I've been practically running this fandom on Tumblr for nearly three years now, you’ve seen all that I’ve done for you, and what have I gotten in return?

Slander, cyberbullying, disrespect, consistently stolen content, etc. That’s what I’ve gotten. I’ve never attacked anyone on here, and that is still something I won’t do.

Yes, I am against slash fic, and I can’t believe that THAT’S the only reason why I’m being torn down like this. Something so dumb and immature as that has torn my beloved community in half. I have never attacked ANYONE for writing slash fic, yet I’ve been getting attacked since August (it is November now) for simply believing it is wrong to openly admit you want the boys to fuck each other.

(I’d also like to point out that someone from the KISS fandom ((god knows why)) had the balls to call me “homophobic” for hating slashfic. I can’t even begin to explain how much I laughed at that.)

I just wanna say that these are REAL people you’re writing about, you know. Don’t you think THEY would be against it? I know I cannot stop anyone from writing slash (I’ve said that before, but no one seems to remember it). I don’t think any of you realize that there is a certain line you shouldn’t cross when it comes to the internet, and being perverted in such an explicit and disrespectful way is one of them. We always had integrity in this fandom, and slash was never part of something we stood for. We knew when to stop, and we kept the slash on rockfic.com (where it belongs imo. That’s like their element).

I was very confused when more slash fics started appearing on tumblr this year. Now, it seems like that’s all there is, and I’m disgusted.

Whenever something close to that happened in 2018, everyone would be totally against it, and we’d talk it out and explain. While we all had our fair share of horny (and maybe then some) in this fandom, but we always knew where to draw the line. That was the line. That line doesn’t exist anymore, apparently, and nobody knows how to be mature and respectful to the band, to each other, and just for fuck’s sake. Now, I’m being slammed that being perverted for them fucking their best friends is “just fandom, bitch” and “the norm” and that it’s done “out of respect”, which I will never understand. You can’t use “slash” and “respectful” in the same sentence, and you can’t change my mind, but I know I can’t change yours, either. 

Slash is not, nor will it ever be, respectful. This fandom has become toxic.

Fanfiction is an outlet for creativity to be used for fun, not to be used as an excuse to project your sexually perverted sexuality headcannons/fetishes onto innocent, REAL, LIVE people. If all you write/read is them having sex with each other, then it really makes you wonder if it’s about “respect” anymore, doesn’t it?

In my opinion it’s fucked up that it’s “normal” and “just part of fandom” to create sexualities for- again- REAL, LIVE PEOPLE, and it’s everyone’s first instinct to argue that it’s fine, apparently? If you “respect” your idols so much like you claim you do, then why don’t you maybe respect their actual orientations instead of creating masturbation material for random 12 year olds and boomers, perhaps?

I don’t know what I did that was so fucking wrong in your eyes, as I’ve always tried to keep integrity in this area of tumblr. 

I'm very deeply hurt, more than I've ever been by this. It physically hurts me to admit that this fandom has become as toxic as it currently is. I don’t feel welcome here anymore at all, despite practically running things on here for so long.

I don’t know how I could ever live without this fandom, but now it looks like I’m going to have to try, or at least try and rebuild it on my own (again). I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop posting about Def Leppard, and after all, I only started posting about them for myself to begin with.

We were supposed to be the good fandom, the happy fandom, the fandom with no drama. I am ashamed to be associated with you now. I tried to stop it as best as I could, and hoped people would back me up, but I’ve received nothing but hate for simply trying to preserve some dignity.

You guys have been immature to say the least, and I find it very hard to believe that some of you are legal adults (but let’s be honest; most of you toxic people are probably too young to even be behind a computer, anyway). 

I’ve had to block some people that I really didn’t want to, but the deed is done. Keep your slash to yourself, tag it, do a read more, post it somewhere else, even- that’s how you co-exist. Just don’t come after me because I think it’s wrong. I never came after anyone specifically like that.

This isn’t goodbye, but I certainly am leaving for a while. I hope I got my point, my history, and my perspective across.

And I hope you’re fucking happy, because you’ve destroyed something I loved.

-Rachel

[keysmashchronicles]

getting specific with some fic examples - part 1

The Seven Basic Plots argues that there are certain elements that occur time and again in stories because they hardwired into our way of telling them, and are crucial to creating a sense of enjoyment and satisfaction. So is this the case with phanfic? Is the reason that readers respond so strongly to their favourite fics because the authors have an innate understanding of what these essential features are and intentionally or unintentionally incorporate them into their stories?

Let’s look at a specific example: fifty kisses to Christmas by nokomisfics is a short, heartwarming friends to lovers fic centred around Phil’s attempts to help Dan manage his existential struggles by doing something that he read online should help raise his serotonin levels – kissing him.

If you haven’t read the fic, be warned there are spoilers ahead so go and do that before reading further!

How closely does this fic adhere to what Booker says makes a satisfying story, and how does this contribute to the readers’ enjoyment of it?

The first universal aspect as described in the Seven Basic Plots is that the main characters need to go through some kind of inner transformation provoked by a series of problems or difficulties that stand in the way of them achieving happiness. They evolve into more mature, complete versions of themselves as the story progresses and by the end have the necessary mental and emotional resources and strength to overcome the final challenge that stands between them and their happy ending.

In some plots the malevolent forces working against the protagonist are personified in the form of an evil villain that needs to be defeated, or perhaps a rival that needs to be beaten, but this isn’t the case with the comedy plot. Instead, these kinds of stories are more about the kind of darkness that comes from a sense of separation; separation from self, separation from others, separation from love, truth, light and all good things in life. They focus on the characters emerging from a place of confusion, misunderstanding, and secrecy towards a state of clarity, harmony and trust, and show the ways that they need to develop and mature as people in order for this to happen.

Do we see this pattern In fifty kisses to christmas? It’s pretty clear from early on in the plot that there is the potential for Dan and Phil’s relationship to be more than just friendly, and we see a progression throughout the story from a state of ignorance and denial towards a much greater honesty and acceptance.

Even at the start of the story, we can see how committed they are to each other. We’re shown just how focused Phil is on trying to help Dan feel better and how much his problems are affecting him when he’s researching online to try and find some kind of solution. He ‘reads and tries and reads and tries and none of it works. He doesn’t know how to fix his friend’, which shows the impact is has on him when Dan is in distress. And even before they share their first kiss, we see that Phil thinks of him as a ‘beautiful boy’ and ‘pokes at Dan’s cheek, because he likes how soft it always is’. As for Dan, we don’t get his POV so we can’t be sure what he’s thinking and feeling but he doesn’t seem to mind at all when his best friend suddenly decides they ought to start kissing.

Despite this, it seems that neither of them are either ready or able at this stage to admit the extent of their feelings for each other, which are obscured both from themselves and each other, although pretty clear to the reader.

As the story progresses, they increasingly come to recognise them, but are still not ready to openly acknowledge them. But by the end of the fic when the agreed fifty kisses have been exchanged which, according to their agreement means they ought to go back to a merely platonic relationship, Dan is brave enough to come out and state clearly what he wants and how he feels, so that they are able to achieve their happy ending.

So as the comedy plot requires, we see how as the fic progresses, our main characters tentatively open up and allow themselves to risk revealing their truth. They aren’t able to be truly happy without moving beyond ignorance and denial to a place of openness and trust.

Is this change in their behaviour brought about by a developing and maturing of their personalities as the universal plot suggests? We do see some ways in which they change and learn over the course of the story.

For example, early on Phil reflects on how he’d first realised a few months previously that Dan was struggling with his emotions, but he wasn’t sure quite how to address it so he just didn’t bring it up. He’d noticed that Dan had probably been crying, but ‘they hadn’t talked about it’ As time goes on, we see him becoming more comfortable with and willing to acknowledge and tackle difficult feelings and uncomfortable situations, even though it might be easier just to let things slide. For example, when they’re making toasties in the kitchen and Phil reminds Dan that they have a meeting at the BBC, even though he knows Dan’s deliberately trying to ignore it. He doesn’t avoid the subject, even though Dan’s reaction makes him feel ‘a rising dread in the pit of his stomach’.

Throughout the fic, we’re shown how Dan is reluctant to ask for Phil’s help when he’s having a hard time, tending instead to avoid him or act out in anger when he’s feeling low. We don’t really see a change in that behaviour until the end of the fic, when Phil comes down with the flu. Phil tries to tell Dan that he should go off and have a nice Christmas and not let it be ruined because of him, but Dan says that it’s the least he can do to be there for him.

He’s happy to look after Phil even if it might seem inconvenient because he cares about him and wants him to feel better, and this helps him to see that Phil feels exactly the same way about him when he’s struggling with his mental health. It’s not Dan’s fault that he has these struggles in the same way that it’s not Phll’s fault for falling physically ill, and it’s OK for each of them to ask for and offer help and support when the other needs it. So we see a letting go of his feelings of self-recrimination and moving towards a greater sense of self-acceptance.

So it seems that it’s more than just the passage of time that works to bring them together at the end of the fic, there is a sense by which their characters need to change and develop to allow that happy ending, even if it isn’t a particularly dramatic shift.  Being a 10k one shot, there isn’t scope for complex or dramatic character development, but a simpler and more gentle progression can be just as effective in adding impact.

What does this revealing of hidden truths, this sense of growth and character progression bring to the story? I agree with Booker that watching characters mature and develop, make progress on the issues that are holding them back or become willing to accept parts of themselves that they’ve previously denied really adds to my enjoyment. Seeing the characters face up to difficult emotions and really come into their own tends to be a feature of the fics that have the most emotional impact on me. Those are usually the ones that will stick in my mind, or that I’ll come back to and read over and again.

This is one of the reasons I like the friends to lovers trope so much. The slow realisation that there’s more to their relationship than they previously thought; the blocks or barriers that are in the way, the decisions that get made about what to acknowledge, and how, and when; the courage it takes to finally get honest about what’s going on; the risk that’s involved when they’re not sure how the truth might be received and then the joy of realising that they both feel the same way is something I find very satisfying when reading fic.

The second key component of the universal plot is the use of a pattern of alternating states of tension and release, darkness and light, confusion and clarity which build in intensity towards a final climax.

This alternation is the crucial thing – it’s not about tension growing steadily and continuously, but about an ebb and flow, a sort of two steps forward, one step back scenario that slowly builds as the fic goes on. If the tension just built and built and built with no relief, we’d be exhausted before we were half way through! So this process allows it to develop in a way which is much more enjoyable and engaging to the reader.

How does this fic make use of this pattern? This can be seen in how the kisses between Dan and Phil change as the story goes on. Rather than a straight forward progression, there is a sense of moving into new territory, then pulling back to safer ground for a bit before having the courage to push things forward again. So the very first kiss is a quick peck, quickly followed by something a little more meaningful, with Phil ‘slipping his fingers into Dan’s hair’, Dan relaxing into Phil leaving him ‘pliant, soft and so, so kissable’ and Phil musing on ‘if it’s supposed to feel this great to kiss your best friend’

But rather than progress things further, both Dan and Phil and we as readers are then given a release in that tension, a bit of respite to catch our breaths and reflect on what’s just happened. The next few kisses are dropped to the top of Dan’s head or his shoulder, casually affectionate rather than passionate.

This pattern continues as the fic goes on. Dan stays up all night working on a project and while encouraging him to go to bed and rest they exchange a kiss that is ‘gentle, both of them sleep-soft and warm’ and we see how it affects Dan as his eyes ‘flutter shut’ and he makes a little sound as Phil ‘claim[s] his soft lips as quietly as he can’. That connection, that intensity between them is continuing to build but again, it pulls back, followed by simple good night kisses, a peck on the lips or even on the nose when they’re putting the star on the Christmas tree (so cute!).

Then there’s the night when, after a boozy lunch with PJ, the combination of the alcohol and PJ’s assumptions about their relationship leave Dan in a bad way. Phil goes to comfort him and they end up kissing in Dan’s bed. Phil’s just pondering on how it can feel so right to be doing this with your best friend, when Dan tugs on his hair and ‘all the blood in Phil’s body rush[es] to his crotch’, definitely new territory for them, definitely beyond the realms of just helping out your friend in a totally platonic way. Phil tries to stop things, tries to pull away but rather than let him, Dan’s response is to initiate a kiss between them for the very first time, pulling Phil back down, ‘lips hot and searching’.

This clear sign that they both want more than they’ve been willing to admit could have been the climax of the plot, the physical demonstration of their affection for each other then followed by a confession of their feelings, but again, the intensity drops back. The next morning things aren’t awkward, but they skirt around the subject, discussing how they should record last night’s kisses on their kiss chart rather than talking about what they might mean. Phil can’t quite keep his hands to himself though, ‘running his fingers down [Dan’s sides to where a strip of pale skin is exposed’ so he can touch ‘the soft skin of Dan’s belly’. But then over the next few days we’re back to tamer kisses, even though Phil’s now very aware of the true extent of his feelings for Dan as what he’d really like to do is ‘push [him] into the racks of Christmas CDs…..and kiss him silly’.

Before long, there are only two kisses left. Phil decides to keep the final kisses for Christmas Day, and so it seems like we’re being set up for that to be the climax to the story with maybe some big romantic gesture and a declaration of love, but instead Christmas Day dawns with Phil in bed with the flu, and Dan getting in beside him to look after him and provide him with comfort. It might seem that this was done simply to tease out the tension of the story and make us even more eager for it’s conclusion, but as mentioned earlier my view is that this role reversal with Dan looking after Phil is needed to help him let go of insecurities about himself and be ready to finally open up about his true feelings.

Their final two kisses, shared when Phil is feeling a bit better but still kind of groggy with fever aren’t really anything special, certainly not any kind of grand gesture, but it’s what happens next that counts. The experiment is over, the allotted number of kisses have been given….but they don’t stop. They both know that there’s now no reason for them to be kissing other than the simple fact that they both want to. At first, out of habit, Phil keeps counting but then he stops counting at all, Dan kissing him wherever he can reach and then confessing into Phil’s neck ‘I don’t want to stop’ in a voice which is ‘scared, wobbly, vulnerable’.

This really is the climax of the story, the point where the final barrier between them being together is being faced. Dan has taken a risk, put himself out there and even though we’re pretty certain of what Phll’s reaction is going to be, it still creates that point of tension, of the weight of the possible consequences of making this admission.

When Phil responds that they don’t need to stop, both we and they feel the tension finally break that’s been building and receding throughout the fic. We’ve reached the point where we’re finally assured that everything is going to be OK. Our boys were kind of clueless, a bit misguided but they got there in the end and we feel a mixture of relief and celebration.

I think it’s pretty clear that this pattern of gradually increasing tension that ebbs and flows but ultimately builds towards some kind of final climax is absolutely something that makes a fic satisfying to read! Whether it’s a fluffy one shot, a mammoth slow burn that unfolds over dozens of chapters or even a pwp with a different kind of happy ending, this pattern is used and enjoyed throughout phanfic to great effect.

the seven basic plots and phanfic // fics that don’t fit the mould

[allthephils]

Speed of Sound

Rated E (smut, mental health) word count: 8211 so far

Read on ao3

Chapter 2 excerpt:

Tell me something.” Dan whispers, too soft and too tired to speak up.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything, just keep talking.”

Chapter 2

Dan double and triple checks the address on his phone before getting out of the Uber. This can’t possibly be it. Phil looked normal, his friends looked normal, but this building is not normal. This building is posh. The street is dotted with boutiques Dan would be too embarrassed to walk into and restaurants he could never afford to eat at. Stepping out of the car, he stands at the curb, head tipped back to take in the height of the place. He should have worn nicer shoes.

He does a quick body check, drops his shoulders, relaxes his jaw, unclenches his ass, and punches the flat number Phil gave him into the keypad on the wall. There’s no response but there is a buzzing sound inviting Dan to come on in so he does. The elevator takes him to the top floor of the building and Dan steps out onto a landing with a door on either side.

“Hey Dan.” Phil’s standing in the doorway on the right. Dan feels his body float in that general direction and soon his mind catches up enough to thrust his hand out in an attempt at a hello. Phil grabs it, pulling him in for a hug. It’s a good strong hug. His broad chest is warm pressed to Dan, his hands are sure, his arms welcoming. He smells exactly how he sounds. Sweet like fruit but deep and smokey with an edge of masculinity that makes Dan’s knees wobble and his eyes close. It’s new and enticing but so incredibly familiar. He’s a total stranger and he has no idea what a friend he’s been.

A small but very menacing growl shakes Dan from the fantasy that is Phil’s arms. He opens his eyes to see an equally small but decidedly less menacing dog looking up at him with a threat in her eye.

“Oh hello!” Dan says over Phil’s shoulder. The moment his sweet dog and baby voice comes out, he blushes, wishing he could suck the sound back in. It’s too late though. She’s adorable and trying so hard to be tough, he can’t hold back. The moment Phil steps back, Dan steps over the threshold and kneels.

“Sorry.” Phil says, kneeling next to Dan. “She really is a sweetheart, she’s just so wary in this new place.”

“Aw, she’s just doing her job.” Dan puts his hand out for the dog to sniff and she does. Soon she’s nudging her head under for a pet and finally rolling over, wiggling on the floor, just begging for a tummy rub. “There she is!” Dan coos, “Who’s wants a tummy rub? You do!” Dan gives up any hope he had of looking cool and pats her belly to the sweet sound of Phil’s laughter next to him.

“Look at that, she loves you already!” Phil stands and closes the door behind them. “This is Spike.” He looks down at his dog. “Spike, This is Dan. Say hello.” Dan stands, smiling, and looks at Phil before returning his focus to Spike. “Spike,” Phil repeats more sternly this time, “Say hello to our guest.”

Spike barks a high pitched yip, sitting up like a good pup should. This welcome is better than Dan could have imagined. All his nerves have melted away in the face of Spike’s wagging tail and Phil’s musical laughter. He bends to give his new friend a good scratch behind the ear.

“Well, now that’s done. Come in, Dan.” Phil snaps his fingers at Spike and she runs off to jump on to a comfy looking chair, turning in a full circle before lying down and curling up. “You can leave your shoes and coat here and then follow Spike into the lounge and have a seat. I’ll get us drinks.”

The drinks are sweeter than Dan would prefer but they’re good. He’ll have to pace himself, he can barely taste the booze.

They eat pizza that Phil made himself and salad because they are adults and adults eat salad with their pizza. The conversation is mostly dog-centric but soon Dan is sharing stories of his career, his family, his failed attempt at university. He’s so at ease, sinking into the sofa, eager to share everything with Phil. It’s weird, not like him at all. He even talks about his struggles with depression.

“I guess I’m making progress. Claudia says I am and I’ve chosen to believe her.”

“Is Claudia your girlfriend?” Phil wears a tiny crooked smirk and Dan really wishes he would put it away because he’s been doing so well up to now.

“Do you really think I’d be here if I had a girlfriend?”

“I guess not. Wife then?”

Dan laughs. It’s a loud laugh, the real kind you feel in your chest, the kind where the laugh fades into a big smile that just won’t go away. “She’s my therapist.” He says, looking down at the empty drink in his hand. “She’s kinda responsible for all this. Funny story, I’ll tell you sometime.” Phil looks perplexed but doesn’t push the issue.

It’s been a long day. The rollercoaster of emotions Dan has been on is slowing to a stop and now he just feels comfortable, warmed by a full belly and one too many sweet drinks. He doesn’t even realize he’s yawning until Phil laughs and comments on the sheer size of his mouth. He knows he must be pinking up but he’s too content to care.

“Do you need to go Dan? You’re looking pretty sleepy.”

“Uh uh.” Dan pulls his feet up and tucks his legs next to him on the sofa. His body leans slightly into Phil’s by nature of the position he finds himself in and he must be very sleepy or very tipsy because he just lets it happen. In reality, he’s both so when he feels an arm slide behind his neck, he lets his head loll over onto one broad good smelling shoulder. Soon there are fingers raking gently through his hair and he sighs.

Phil’s breathy chuckle is absolute music, “You are sleepy,” he says, “you can rest. Just let everything go. I’ve got you.” Dan’s breath syncs with the cadence of Phil’s words and his eyes flutter shut.

“Tell me something.” Dan whispers, too soft and too tired to speak up.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything, just keep talking.”

There’s something about his mum and his brother, a bit about fish food that makes Phil’s chest shake with giggles. They’re probably lovely, the stories, Phil’s family. How could they not be? Dan can’t follow though, all he knows is that warm woolen voice wrapping him up like a blanket, weighing him down till he’s deep in the fog of almost sleep with no desire to pull himself out.

***

Dan has shades on his bedroom windows that completely block out the light. He can sleep till evening and never see the sun if he wants to. For that reason, the bright glare currently streaming through his closed eyelids is strange and a bit perplexing. He’s also been sleeping on his back, something he never does. Dan sleeps on his side, rolled like a pill bug, taking up as little space as possible.

There’s a heavy blanket pulled up to his chin, keeping him warm and snug, his socked toes sticking out the end, and something extra warm laying across his thighs. As his eyes open, squinting in the harsh sunlight, he lifts his head to see Spike curled up on his lap, breathing softly.

“Hello.” Dan says sweetly and Spike stands before wagging her tail and jumping down onto the floor. A dull headache is starting to form behind his eyes so he let’s them close again, dropping back onto the cushion behind his head. He doesn’t know how it got there. Come to think of it, he can’t remember falling asleep at all. The last thing he remembers is Phil talking about his family. He remembers listening to his voice, resting his head on his shoulder, the words running together, Phil’s hands pushing into his hair. His eyes are open now, wide open.

It’s all rushing in. He’d leaned right into Phil, he’d asked him to talk. A warm blush spreads over Dan’s chest and up his neck, inching toward his cheeks and he sits straight up, hoping gravity will pull some of his shame down where he can hide it. Unfortunately, remembering Phil’s voice and those fingers raking through his curls does send the blood downward, and soon he is keenly aware of his morning indiscretion. He’s sat on Phil’s sofa, in Phil’s lounge, with Phil’s dog looking up at him, and he has an erection. An erection that feels awfully unencumbered for someone in skinny jeans. It’s at that precise moment that Dan spots his jeans, folded neatly on the coffee table. Lifting the blanket to confirm, he catches a glimpse of his black boxer briefs, tented obscenely.

The house is quiet, either Phil is still asleep or he’s already left. Dan has got to get out of here, he’s got to get his fucking clothes on and get out of here. Throwing the blanket off of him, he swivels to sit properly on the sofa, rubbing his eyes and arching his back till it cracks. He’ll pull on his jeans, button them over his offending parts, slip on his shoes, and run to the nearest coffee shop. It’s a solid plan.

“Morning Spike.” For the first time ever, Phil’s voice does not bring comfort but utter panic. Pulling the blanket back over his lap, Dan lays down and curls toward the cushions, hiding as best he can, pretending to sleep.

“You know the drill pupper,” Phil continues, “eat your breakfast and we’ll go out after my coffee.”

Footsteps come closer, he shuffles his feet, Dan can tell he’s wearing socks. He hears the sound of something being set on the table behind him, then he hears the sound a second time. The sofa dips below his feet. The pitter patter of four little feet soon follow and the sound of excited and obedient panting. He assumes that’s Spike.

“I know little one, you don’t like eating alone.” It’s barely a whisper and Dan squeezes his eyes shut, hoping Phil will shut up and go back in the kitchen long enough for him to get a hold of himself. A sweet sigh has Dan melting a little in spite of himself. “Look at him, girl,” Phil says, “where did he come from?”

A hand comes to rest on Dan’s ankle and he jumps a little. “Dan?” Phil tightens his grip for just a second. “Dan, do you need to be up? I made coffee.”

After what he thinks is a very convincing impression of a person who has just woken up, Dan finds himself sat next to Phil, enjoying a too sweet coffee. He stays under the blanket to be safe but his body cooperates. The blood is sent instead to warm his tummy and chest, sending prickly goosebumps over his arms when Phil says he’s going to hop into the shower.

“I’ve got to walk Spike in a bit, you’re welcome to join us.”

“Oh, um, I should probably get going. Don’t want to wear out my welcome.”

Phil gives him a look like he’s trying to figure him out. “OK, if you need to go.” He leans in the doorway. He looks so good, so effortless. Of course he does, they’re in his home but Dan isn’t sure he ever looks that relaxed when other humans are present. Phil had shared stories of awkward encounters and clumsiness but Dan is starting to wonder if that’s all an elaborate ruse designed to break down the defenses of introspective guys in coffee shops. It does perfectly match his hot nerd aesthetic though. An aesthetic currently rounded out by messy hair and mismatched socks and Pokémon pajamas hanging low on his hips. And Dan is officially staring.

It takes one cheeky cocked eyebrow from Phil for Dan to duck his head and reach for his jeans, laying down to pull them on under the blanket. As he’s folding up last night’s bed, a final revelation rolls into mind.

“Phil?” He clears his throat. “I think I may have had one or two too many last night, sorry about that.” He turns to look at Phil who is still leaning, just watching and smiling. “Um, I don’t remember the blanket or my, uh, jeans. I didn’t strip down right in front of you or anything, I hope.” He forces out an embarrassed laugh.

“Very nearly,” Phil says with infuriating nonchalance, “when I laid you down,”

Laid me down?  

“you were desperately trying to get them off, just wiggling and tugging like mad.” Wiggling and tugging?

Dan decides he believes in god after all and silently prays for death.

“So I just helped you out of them.”

Helped me out of them?!

“I hope that’s ok. You curled right up and I tucked you in.”

“Oh.” Dan’s cheeks may burst into flame at any moment, he really does need to get out of this flat. “Ok. Thanks? I guess. And sorry. Again”

“Don’t be. You were very cute, not that I was looking.”

“Course not.” Dan mutters.

“Eyes closed the whole time.” Phil has one hand up like he’s taking an oath but then he sucks in his bottom lip and goddamn, can he not. Dan is either going to jump out the window or jump Phil’s bones, he’s not sure which yet. “Well, most of the time.”

“Phil, I…”

“Have a good day today Dan! I’ll text you.”

And he’s gone, vanished down the hallway and Dan is left alone with his thoughts. He grabs his shoes and walks his socks to the elevator as quickly as he can. By the time he reaches the ground floor, his shoes are on and he’s free to try and outrun his imagination. It doesn’t work. Thoughts of steam and skin and soapy slippery hands follow him to the coffee shop and the Tesco and keep him blushing in the Uber till he’s finally home.

For the way he’s sweating, you’d think he ran the whole way. He’d been doing so well with his new found way of seeing the world. Guess that’s all gone to shit. So much for calm, mindful Dan. There’s only mortified Dan now, condemned forever to live in his own head, replaying the last 24 hours on a loop. He can’t exactly resort to his usual coping mechanism. Listening to Phil to escape thoughts of Phil seems counterproductive at best, masochistic at worst. He makes a sandwich, he eats the sandwich, he checks his email, he watches the new Contrapoints video. It’s all rote, he’s going through the motions. It’s the exact opposite of mindful, slipping into old patterns but with a strange undercurrent of joy prickling just under the surface.

In an effort to mix things up and refocus his mind, he opens his laptop and tweets out to his followers. Spur of the moment live show starting now! Come join me on YouTube.  

He waxes psychological, discussing meditation and mindfulness, giving multiple disclaimers that he’s not a professional. He knows that some of his subscribers see him as an authority on all things mental health, but he’d rather be a good friend than a therapist and he’s definitely not ready to be anybody’s dad. They all participate in a lively discussion and he’s so grateful for this little community that has built up around him. It feels good to say something positive, to have some concrete advice to give. He’s uncharacteristically hopeful, but he figures his brand can take the hit. When he signs off, he’s grinning and it just sort of stays. This kind of satisfaction is new to Dan and it occurs to him that maybe he’s been missing something.

Quickly, he opens a doc on his desktop titled ideas and types depression video, discuss with Claudia. He’s come so far, he has something to say, Phil isn’t the only thing that calms him. He’s been working really hard at this new practice, he shouldn’t reduce it to such simple terms, he has every right to be proud. After an early dinner and a shower, he’s ready to just watch something low stakes in bed and fall asleep. He was up much earlier than his normal after all. Only one thing remains, his daily meditation. He’d ignored his reminder earlier since he was walking home from the tube when it went off and because, at the time, the alarm just seemed to be screaming the name Phil over and over. But that was hours ago, he’s a new man now.

Opening his app, he finds a simple ten minute meditation focused on winding down for the night. He hadn't bothered to dress after his shower, choosing only to don his softest pants in spite of their sonic the hedgehog motif. He’s had these forever and they bring comfort in more ways than one. The chair in the corner of his room is a favorite with soft cushions and grey velvety upholstery. He sits, sets his phone on the arm, and clicks play.

The voice that comes through is pleasant enough, deep and American. It leads Dan through the usual practice of recognizing thoughts, acknowledging discomfort, moving relaxation through his body piece by piece.

He gets no further than his shoulders before he’s squirming. The voice is too soft, too affected, it’s just, uncomfortable. He’s tries another and another. He visualizes a blue light, a cave, a mirror. He tenses, he sighs, he acknowledges but he doesn’t let it be. He can’t. So he caves.

Finally, mercifully, Phil’s voice floats from his phone speaker. The sound of a deep breath and a hello. Find a comfortable place to sit. This time is yours. Let’s begin.  

Yes Phil, let’s. There’s not much tension left in Dan’s body but every ounce that is there responds to that familiar voice. It leaves slowly, streaming like honey poured from a spoon, slow and beautiful in the time it takes. A trail of sweet golden light is all that’s left it’s wake.

That voice is all Dan needs but now there’s something else as his mind supplies an image of Phil’s eyes crinkling as he laughs, Phil’s hip bones peeking over his pajamas, Phil’s lips quirked up in a knowing smirk.

Exhale. You’ve done all you can today.  

The chair could swallow him and he wouldn’t mind. His head rests back, eyes closed, and his lungs empty in a slow exhale. The embarrassment of yesterday’s candor is stripped away and all that’s left is the comfort of Phil’s fingers in his hair and the soft echo of his voice as the meditation ends.

He takes a while to get up. Eventually he hoists his heavy limbs into bed and curls comfortably around something in his chest that feels like safety. Just as he’s drifting off, his phone vibrates and he reaches an arm to tip it toward him. Spike’s adorable face beams at him from the screen and he clicks with his thumb to see a text below the photo.

“Hey Dan, Spike wanted to say goodnight but since you don’t speak dog, I thought I’d translate. She says she had a great time last night and she hopes you visit again. She also hopes you had a great day after you left and she says sweet dreams.”

Dan has one foot in dreamland so he doesn’t respond but sets the phone down and sinks into slumber with a smile on his lips.

[thereisnobearonthisisland-arc]

wait hi bb can you explain what you meant by contention about Adrian himself?

hi loves 🖤 sure thing, i'll do my best.

so a lot of the people in this phandom, including some of my best friends and myself, are really put off by adrian's "return to the public eye," so to speak, although there's are some differing opinions.

one reason is people think that he's "taking advantage" of all of dnp's young followers. so many people who like to keep up with dnp have started following adrian as well. it's not really easy to determine if they're doing it because they like his photography/stories, but he's picked up a lot of business from dnp's audience, regardless.

some people see this as taking advantage of young, impressionable people. a few months ago, he broke his camera and put out a message on instagram saying that he'd be happy ti sell his prints to people if it could help him pay for a new one. and when he did earn enough money, people started raising their eyebrows because it's very likely that a lot of that money came from people in the phandom.

i think i have to say i disagree with thinking he's taking advantage of people though, at least when it comes to his business. he never said "hey, caling all phandom members: pls pls pls help me buy a new camera." he said, "hey, this sucks but if anyone who follows me likes my work, i think i might be able to get the money for a new one if anyone's willing to purchase some of my work." and people were.

one of the big arguments is that he knew a lot of his followers were made up of the phandom. but i think it's kind of pessimistic (yes me! the pessimist!) to assume that he looks at the phandom as something he can exploit. i think he hopes that they genuinely like his content for what it is, but at the end of the day, money is money, he's not going to censor where it comes from.

and it's the members of the phandom who have chosen to follow him who are responsible for their own actions at the end of the day. if people are following adrian in the hopes of learning something new about dan (or phil), they're pretty much out of luck. outside of the matching stories between dan and adrian today, they both seem pretty hellbent on keeping their content completely separate. they are two very different creators. and they don't even follow each other.

one of the other arguments i've seen is that adrian is problematic. this mostly comes out when he talks about veganism. he's mentioned a few times that the only way he was really able to lose weight was by switching over to a completely vegan diet and starting to run marathons. and that has made quite a few people, some of my close friends included, really mad because:

there is no one size fits all for weight loss. some people's bodies are built to be healthy at something that isn't a size 2. most people's bodies are built to be healthy at something that isn't a size two. and to speak about veganism as adrian does is to suggest that there is this "one size fits all" method to weight loss, which really only perpetuates this idea that you have to look a certain way in order to be attractive. which is bullshit.

he's speaking as someone who is very, very privileged. a vegan diet is incredibly expensive to maintain if you take into account the kinds of meals he prepares for himself. and training for marathons is time-consuming. the average person doesn't have time for that kind of lifestyle. he's able to go to school to study photography to probably freelance one day, be a vegan and still has time to train for marathons. as someone who is studying to do some real-world work, probably for a corporation someday, who spends a minimum of seven hours per day writing mediocre papers and maybe running out to grab a cup of easy mac if i remember, it is a bit disconcerting to see someone say "it's as easy as this."

so this second point-of-view is one that understand a lot better than the first one. but there are still some places where i think some people have this tunnel vision that i disagree with.

for instance, the fact that he's a skinny white boy now invalidates his right to speak on the topic of weight loss. i, personally, find some contention with this because i don't think we should treat body image issues as a competition. everyone has something they wish they could change about themselves. i think that what invalidates adrian's right to speak on the topic of weight loss outside of his own experiences is the fact that he is, in fact, not a nutritionist. he's a twenty-one-year-old man who found something that worked for him - and good for him! but there's no guarantee that it's going to work for every other person, and the way he speaks about it sometimes comes across that way.

there also seems to be a lot of contempt for him because he's, quite frankly, kind of immature. it's grounded in the fact that he thinks veganism can be this "one size fits all" path to weight loss, that his lifestyle is manageable for the average person. in some ways he appears to be very socially unaware of the the struggles that people all around the world face, and that rubs people the wrong way. it rubs me the wrong way. but i will say that i don't think we should condemn him for his idiot, 21yo brain.

i think he has a lot of growing up to do. and i know that for some people that means taking a step away, cutting off their exposure to any of his content because the way he worded the title of his weight loss video in particular was kind of offensive and just generally problematic. and i think that if you find someone's content to be detrimental to your own health, by all means do what you need to for yourself.

when i say that there's room for growth, i do mean it. he's still very young, believe it or not. and i don't think it's fair to hold anyone by these social standards that, if they fail to meet them, you'll immediately blacklist them. people are capable of learning and they are capable of growing, and adrian isn't any different. but a lot of people have reason to be upset with the way he presents himself, and i do think that if he wants to make a successful career for himself, he's going to have to fix his attitude. because he's incredibly privileged and incredibly arrogant on some days, and people notice that kind of thing.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 70 - PIT - Better Days

We’re racing to the bottom at this point, right? There was a moment during this game when everyone live tweeting kinda realized: shit, they could be in 26th place by the end of the night! We already know this collapse has been historic but what if we became the first team to occupy first place and last place in the same season? Ottawa has to go on a run! You got to laugh, or you’ll cry, right? Six straight losses dealt just absolutely mercilessly to the heart of Sabres fans… or at least the ones who are still watching. The wheels coming off in February was one thing but this… this is some divine retribution. Is Mike Harrington actually God and he’s endlessly punishing the Sabres for the tank? Buffalo hasn’t scored a goal in three games! Sure, they’ve come close to a goal here and there but holy shit! You would think one would accidentally go in through nine periods of hockey but here we are! Can all the Jack Eichel haters climb back into their Chevy Suburbans and fuck off now? These two games have been Exhibit A in why Jack Eichel is crucially important to this team. Never mind his scoring touch, this team felt rudderless these last two games. They looked out of it from the moment Phil Kessel scored. JP Dumont and Danny Briere made a luxury box appearance at this game. Who didn’t get emotional at that camera shot? If not for nostalgia than the sudden fear of Jeff Skinner walking to Free Agency. That last Briere Sabres was the last one that won a playoff series. Mind you, the Sabres won the division three years after Briere-Drury but that last playoff win was almost twelve years ago. As the throngs of Penguins jerseys flooded into the Key Bank Center for this game John Vogl pointed out you would have to be no younger than 17 right now to remember the Sabres last playoff win. I don’t want to restate again and again how disappointing it is these guys didn’t coast into the playoffs this season but gee, I’m 24, I scarcely remember 2007. I was in Middle School calling sexual reproduction gross and certainly not paying attention to hockey! I don’t really even have a sense of what a good Sabres team is either! Now I don’t know if I’ll see it. I don’t know if they’ll score again, does anyone? This game was just a drag dragging a drag of a drag hockey team! Yuck.

The first period actually wasn’t a total nightmare. No goals were scored by either team but the Sabres looked like they were knocking. Moreover, one of the prime knockers was Alex Nylander! There is an alternate reality where that line of Casey Mittelstadt centering a line of Tage Thompson and Nylander is the break out rookie dynamo line backing up the Eichel line to the playoffs. I don’t mind that line starting right out of camp next season assuming they’re all still Sabres. Perhaps that’s your third line assuming new guys come in, but we’ll see. With that little dose of optimism has to come the heaping shit sandwich of some Phil Housley inspired insanity: the defensive scheme in this game was awful from start to finish. Look at any opportunity the Penguins set up and you’ll see what a basketball fan may call zone defense. I don’t know what the fuck to call it except terrible. That’s not how you beat this Pittsburgh team. We could’ve swept these fuckers in the season series for the first time in recorded history had we won, right? The last two games against these guys were defensive battles. We have a coach who is supposedly one of the greatest NHL defensemen ever and this is how he coaches the blue line? There was a decent powerplay for Buffalo late in the first but nonetheless Carter Hutton was just barraged with high-danger shots. I feel so bad for him and Ullmark; any blame they take for this is trivial at best. Sure, they haven’t but up November numbers lately but its clear they’re not the reason the Sabres are losing at this clip.

Shit started rolling down hill in the second period. Conor Sheary continued to play well against his former team as he was involved in probably ever other Sabres shot but none of his would go through this game. It was Phil Kessel who benefited from one of those back-and-forth split-the-defense plays to tap it in on the powerplay. I could’ve done without the hordes of Pens fans in attendance cheering after that goal. If Pens games are going to feel like away games now too than that’s one of our bigger problems as fans in the immediate future. Yikes. Rasmus Dahlin got a nifty little breakaway shot before the Penguins next goal but everything is sad right now for Sabres fans so that made me worry he’s frustrated in this situation too. Brian Dumoulin scored a goal that looked accidental. It was just an aerial puck on net, and it went in. That was just weird, unlucky shit. Then Patric Hornqvist’s goal a couple minutes later was preceded immediately on the Sabres broadcast by RJ and Rob Ray discussing how Hornqvist has made his career being a net-front guy. It was like a bad omen. It was spoken into existence. I didn’t bother with the third period; I knew they weren’t coming back from that and I’m a loyal fan, I sincerely am but this shit was so fucking played out. It felt like we were all in on the same joke only its one of those self-deprecating jokes you tell to appear likeable. Garbage. This game was garbage. Nick Bjugstad is a Penguin now and he scored a goal straight off the bench like he knows what fun hockey looks like. Eight minutes later at 18:02 into the third period Jake Guentzel cashed in on a deflection and the final score of this garbage dump game was 5-0 for the visitors. It’s official now: this is the second time in Sabres history the team has gone three games without a goal. The first time that happened was… pause for dramatic irony… last season. Poor funnel guy was so sober watching this game. The poor guy took a shot from the funnel at the end just for the hell of it, but you can tell he was fully cognizant of each and every shitty Sabres moment in this game.

I don’t know how to approach this team anymore. I suppose Eichel coming back next game and the raw desire to hold up Carolina on Saturday in anyway possible drives me but what are we really doing? 11 games left and no chance of a playoff berth: what are we doing? I for one have more or less moved onto the soccer season which, thank God, starts in March in America. I am more excited for Congressional committee hearings at this point than the next Sabres game. The Bachelor is over now too. Hmm… yeah, I suppose there is just another coming of that awful helpless feeling we’ve experienced too much the last few years. The Coach is bad, he doesn’t think there is a pride issue in the locker room but holy shit, just watch the games. The GM has signaled very subtly that change is coming but what that is and how effective it will be after we already had a wicked off-season last year is just a big ugly wildcard. Elliotte Friedman did a radio hit in Toronto this morning and confirmed what should be obvious at this point: Jason Botterill is not afraid to be aggressive and move some parts out come June and July. There are a bunch of wildcards with the big club and unless you’re getting real engaged in Amerks hockey like me right now, your hockey life might be quite shit right now as a Sabres fan. Hey, the Draft Lottery will happen on April 9th this year! That’s super early. I hoped the draft lottery wouldn’t be the most exciting part of Sabres life in April this season but here we are! Let’s hope Danny Briere came to this game to cast a spell to reverse the fortunes of the franchise again and ensure Jeff Skinner doesn’t walk in free agency.

I apologize to those of you who follow me for hockey takes and see me tweeting soccer now. I really appreciate your follow, sincerely I do, but that is for my mental health, fam. All kidding aside, it is humbling to realize the New Look Sabres blog has something of a following now. You brave few are a fun bunch and I appreciate you. Like, share and comment to get the word out on this weird little thing. I can’t help but imagine if you hopped on the Sabres wagon in September with me and rode through this first season according to my takes. For one, wow that’s a cool choice you made. For two, this season kind of feels like a microcosm of what this whole decade has been like as a Sabres fan: heartbreak around every turn but some fun times mixed in there that just gives you that little flash of better days that must be ahead. Ops, I said better days! The folks who remember the last decade of the Sabres just started balling their eyes out. This is probably a better time that not to wrap it up! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I want to apologize to Ben Mathewson: the Bruce Boudreau idea is a fun one. I did in fact get him confused with Randy Carlyle because of their similar faces.

[breatheagainnaturallybigblog]

Tell-All reference document explaining the air pollution problem, lack of an industry reaction and OUR solution.

#1 World Health Organization (WHO) Nine out of 10 people worldwide are breathing polluted air:

https://www.yahoo.com/news/nine-10-people-breathing-polluted-air-220248624.html

Guardian reports that more than 95% of the world breathes polluted air:

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/apr/17/more-than-95-of-worlds-population-breathe-dangerous-air-major-study-finds

C.D.C. Death By Respiratory Failure:

 The C.D.C. released a 2017 report that... IN THE USA, Death by respiratory failure has moved TO NUMBER 3 cause of natural death IN TEN SHORT YEARS. If you consider the fact that the  #8 cause of death is Influenza and Pneumonia...THIS MEANS THAT DEATH BY RESPIRATORY FAILURE IS A VERY SERIOUS THREAT!

 So, Heart Disease is #1, Cancer is #2 ...CLOSELY FOLLOWED by Respiratory failure at #3 and AND Pneumonia/Flu at #8.  See the current CDC report for yourself.  

    https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm

 This report was on Drudge Report and briefly touched on by a few others (I looked around to see) but not put out there on mainstream (fake) news. And I searched carefully and discovered that this report has been removed from Drudge archives and the entire web!

What possibly could be driving these horrific numbers exponentially upward? I could speculate and even provide some solid evidence, but that would be a very time consuming rabbit trail to go down.  The reader will need to do some open-minded research. Personally, I believe Monsanto (in it's many ugly shapes it takes) and big pharma manufacturers will be found active or complicit in the breathing stats changing so drastically. If you have not invested more than 10 minutes into researching the “Chemtrail Conspiracy” you will have a very hard time making sense of the 2017 CDC report. Try looking into “Geoengineering” and find a veritable warehouse of solid facts instead of propaganda and paid trolls. Over 500 patents (both chemical, biological, weather control and delivery mechanisms) have been issued and most are in daily use right over your head. Consider more research into these areas: World Health Organization report on mortality and particulates in the air. Government Weather Modification Information on listed patents and ingredients in spray formulas. www.geoengineeringwatch.org statements from Dane Wiggington on human and environmental impact of geoengineering. Read the Mycoplasma article from Wikipedia. Notice as you read this how sneaky and sinister this wide range of parasitic bacteria varieties are. I can't prove it, but sure looks like a GMO or biological warfare technology to me. Asthma Facts from aafa.org

#2. Repurposing The Hospital:

Hi, I am Phil Harley, the inventor of the Breathe Again...Naturally formula and related products. I am married to a seasoned Registered Nurse. She was employed as a management nurse for several years at a HEART UNIT in a large hospital. (She currently has moved up to a higher level of nursing) While working at a Houston area Heart Hospital, my wife told me that the #1 ADMIT IS AND HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME….RESPIRATORY ISSUES. There is an entire wing of the hospital that could be taking these respiratory patients, but the breathing issues are so bad, it's damaging peoples hearts. Instead of having a heart attack and going to the hospital…the "new" thing is a low oxygen breathing attack that ends up damaging the heart tissues.

#3. Our Breathing Nightmare:

Bringing it down to OUR home. We were a happy, active family living near the Galveston Island coastline. We should have been enjoying great respiratory health by breathing fresh air from the prevailing southerly breezes coming off the Gulf Of Mexico. But...No. Instead, for over 10 years we have been hacking, coughing, sneezing and fighting off "THE CRUD" several times a year. Our entire family in desperation researched and resorted to all natural breathing treatments several times per month as symptoms would arise. We don't smoke, drink or use any drugs. We eat approximately 90% organic. We drink properly filtered well water. We take amazing high-dollar supplements. Yet, still our family from the youngest on up, kept fighting repeated sinus, throat, eye and lung issues. Hey folks, SOMETHING IS BAD WRONG WITH THE AIR! (and i'm NOT gonna blame the flowers!) In our desperate search for Higher Air Quality (using online reports) we built a new house in the Texas Hill Country, 30 mins outside of San Antonio. While San Antonio is still being purposely & methodically air polluted, some specific outlying areas are only lightly affected. Since living here, we have reduced the number of our family's individual breathing treatments to at or less than 1 treatment per month, per family member. We have had success in treating our home air with 3 HEPA filtration units and 2 electrostatic precipitators running 24/7. The following  is my response in writing following the above experience:

“The Breathe Again Story”

 God's first gift to mankind was His own breath of life and it seems as if the enemies of our good health target the respiratory tract. After fighting years of recurring lung infections, I set out in earnest to find a natural relief. I simply wanted to breathe and it seemed as if my breath was being stolen!While researching online and ordering books on the subject, I ran across a company named "Silver Lungs."

 Their products seemed a bit over-priced, however I did learn a very important lesson from the name of their company and products they offer:

There’s a "Silver Lungs" machine on their website plus a portable nebulizer...Hmm...I got the silent message = PEOPLE ARE INHALING SILVER! I had never heard of this before AND I was feeling bad enough to give it a go! I did and although the silver tasted metallic and bland, I did immediately felt better after inhaling silver in mist form! I decided to "spice it up" with some aromatic essential oils and soon added a few more beneficial ingredients to round out the formula.

 Now, I am not a chemist or a pharmacist, but as a previous Health Food Store owner, I had some real good ideas about what to put into the formula. I chose 7 aromatic essential oils that are known to open airways and support natural respiratory function. I decided to include a stout Goldenseal herb tea, a known purifying herb and zinc, silver and mineral Lime to strengthen the immune system. My plan was to open airways and naturally support the cleaning system that God has given us in the respiratory tract. Tiny hairs inside of the lungs called "cilia” are responsible for clearing the lungs of undesirables and intruders. These must be free and healthy to do their job.

A discovery was made while I was experimenting with cold combining the chosen ingredients in a certain order. THE ESSENTIAL OILS WENT INTO A WATER-BASED SOLUTION! This is really good news for all of you who have grown to love and respect essential oils!

 Now, instead of experiencing just the aroma or making a risky skin application…a variety of additional applications can be done. My favorite is using a fine mist delivery such as the Newbulizers deliver. After much experimentation, my work paid off. It worked so well I named the formula...Breathe Again…Naturally.

 Obviously, I still have to deal with the typical invaders that come along, but with my Breathe Again...Naturally Formula, it seems I am stronger and recover in days instead of weeks.No longer do I feel like a vulnerable victim of circumstance, but rather a Victor with a plan!

 Making and sharing my formula with others brings me great satisfaction. Do let me know how I may serve you best. I believe to enjoy life nowadays I must "DEFEND MY VITALITY."

~End of the Breathe Again...Naturally Story.~

 Now that we all can breathe again...naturally : ) I am able to focus all of my energies to helping others Breathe Again...Naturally! Since purposefully relocating I have developed several new formulations and 3 different size non-medical “Newbulizers” to help users get a mask-free deep lung Airomatherapy treatment. I am very thankful that our new home provided me with a good-sized air conditioned workshop.

Here are the Breathe Again...Naturally product developments:

#1. AiromaLung X4 Concentrate. The first all-natural organic solution for deep inhalation. The original “Breathe Again...Naturally” Formula is inhaled deeply as needed.

#2. AiromaSinus Nasal Wash/Rinse Fine Mist Spray. A gentle re-formulation of the “Breathe Again” formula.  Fighting to protect the nose and sinuses.

#3. AiromaVision Face Defense Fine Mist Spray. (Aka: Eyebrightner) Tea of Eyebright herb combined with small amount of Breathe Again formula. For the most sensitive organ we possess.

#4 AiromaVoice Lemon Mouth & Vocal Care Spray. (Aka: Vocalyte L) A portable, concentrated version of our Organic Stevi-A-Lemonaide Mouthwash.  Fights for your freshest breath.

    AiromaVoice Cinnamon/Clove Mouth & Vocal Care Spray. (Aka: Vocalyte C) A portable, concentrated version of our Organic Cinnamon Clove Mouthwash. All 4 oral products deliver a very agreeable gargle. Dilution may be desireable as all 4 of the oral products are concentrated.

#5 AiromaSani Residual Sanitizer. (Aka: Resident Angel L) A clear formulation of Breathe Again with additional all-natural ingredients to sanitize surfaces as needed. Slightly Lavender aroma. One to two drops for hands.

The above 5 major products comprise the “Defend-My-Vitality System”. These five parts work together to form a comprehensive approach to the "Warm wet sponge" dilemma. (The above products are not necessarily listed in order of importance.) Find all five for sale as a package: ebay Fu Fighter Pak  https://www.ebay.com/itm/153156400492   ebay item number 153156400492

Explaining How 5 Products = 1 Ultimate Goal:  A Comprehensive Defend-My-Vitality System

 The Warm, Wet Battlefield:

 Our bodies have several very vulnerable features that are like warm, wet sponges continuously exposed to a windy, contagious world. I speak of our eyes, nose, sinuses, mouth, throat and lungs as perfect breeding grounds for just about anything found in the field of microbiology. In these sensitive locations in our bodies, a warm, moist dark and perfect environment is provided micro-organisms giving them the upper hand. We are literally a walking 98.6 degree petri dish sitting out in the open in a very unsanitary laboratory.

 In my humble opinion, we should NOT battle against an over production of fluids. That would be an obvious counterproductive task as our eyes, sinuses, mouth and respiratory tract are required by the body to remain moist and we should make no attempt to reduce that. In fact, the very idea of drying these areas out is a dangerous proposition that could lead to dehydration and irritation of the very areas we desire to help.

 The reason behind the over production of fluids could well be our body reacting to an aggressive invader causing massive irritation as a result of the metabolic waste and elimination they constantly release. The only way to beat them is to join 'em....by adding a *Wedge Formation of “soldiers” into the mucous membranes. Breathe Again…Naturally formula blends in and infiltrates this intricate system with a direct application of what the FDA has labelled "dietary supplements."

Breathe Again...Naturally Ingredients:  Steam distilled H20, Organic Essential oils of Wintergreen, Peppermint, Eucalyptus, Oregano, Tea Tree, Rosemary, Lavender and Lemon, in a strong Organic Goldenseal herb tea with a trace of zinc, silver and mineral lime. See Wiki report on Zinc and the common cold: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_cold

Breathe Again…Naturally Theory:

 The Breathe Again…Naturally system is a very different approach, even by traditional natural healing standards. Small amounts of the Breathe Again...Naturally formula is added to respiratory mucous membranes, saliva and tears of the eyes. By ever-so-slightly changing the chemistry, our fluids are enlisted to help the body naturally do it's job and fight invaders instead of making them so open-arms welcome. Regular use of the 5 Defend-My-Vitality products delivers U.S. RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance. The recommended dietary allowances are established by the Food and Nutrition Board of the National Academy of Sciences.) quantified dietary supplemental minerals plus known/proven herbal supplements directly to your cells. These 11 organic and all-natural ingredients easily mix in with your mucous membranes and bring about a change of environment.  

AiromaLung Delivery Systems:

 The amazingly refreshing, totally organic Breathe Again…Naturally Formula is delivered in 3 ways. The Airomatherapy family of Newbulizer machines deliver product into the air...not just fragrance! The following 3 models deliver an almost silent Airomatherapy treatment of cold, fine particle fog. The Airomatherapy session is a positive experience and results in happy clients and a measurably higher concentration of oxygen in the bloodstream.  See video:  https://youtu.be/uEhBIpGF7k4   Overall, Airomatherapy is a very pleasant 15 minute experience comprised of inhaling a mildly minty all natural cold fog. But, let's say “adios” to an old friend.

Goodbye Trusty Old Nebulizer:

All models of nebulizers are considered medical devices, are noisy, expensive and require a mask or mouthpiece to make them effective. Yes, the AiromaLung formula will work in your compressor driven nebulizer, but I cannot sell any of these machines, either new or used to the public. You see, THE TRUSTY OLD NEBULIZER is a controlled and licensed medical device requiring both a prescription from a doctor to buy one and a pharmaceutical license to legally sell one.

Breathe Again...Naturally introduces the NEWBULIZER:

The Newbulizer Family of Airomatherapy machines are non-medical devices for the alternative healing market. Everything has changed! Organic formulations, non- invasive, mouthpiece or mask is an option but not required and the NEWbulizer Airomatherapy machine is quiet, affordable and NO licensing required.

Sport Newbulizer 1.1 retails for $99.99 and includes a 30 ML bottle of AiromaLung X4 Concentrate. (a $35.00 value)

 The Sport Newbulizer 1.1 is lightweight and very user friendly. The cool, steady fog is fan driven and may be ported thru an included mouthpiece/hose, a nosepiece for sinus support, or with a mask free diffuser funnel. The unit creates a “fog” by an ultrasonic module centered in the bottom of the cup. Ultrasonic technology vibrates the surface of the liquid to the point that surface liquids vibrate erupting into millions of tiny droplets. Main body is a BPA free spill-resistant plastic drinking cup with an easy close spout. Designed to fit in an automobile cup holder, plug the Sport Newbulizer 1.1 into an inexpensive automobile 110 volt converter (the one that plugs into the 12V lighter socket) and your unit is ready for the road! Please do not drive and use this unit....pull over turn on your flashers and enjoy!

 At work and home, hold in one hand or place on countertop or bedside for a hands-free, energizing Airomatherapy session. Fill to the arrow, the unit automatically turns on. A 15 minute deep-breathing Airomatherapy session is desirable. For diffuser use, simply pull the black plug on top of the unit to allow more fog to flow into your car or home. Add up to 10 drops of your favorite essential oil blend with included dropper or purchase the affordable (and organic) “AiromaCarrier Blend 7” from Breathe Again...Naturally...a blend of seven highly aromatic organic essential oils known for promoting respiratory and sinus well-being.

The mid-sized Glass Lung Newbulizer 1.1 retails for $750 and ships with an 8 ounce bottle of Airomalung X4 Concentrate ($125.00) and an 8 ounce bottle of AiromaCarrier ($69.99)  You get everything you need to set up your own Airomatherapy Clinic. The Glass Lung Newbulizer 1.1 is designed commercial quality  Health Food Stores and small to medium professional office settings. This mask-free desktop machine generates income for your Airomatherapy business at $45 per 15 minute treatment. Reduced family/group pricing available. The Glass Lung Newbulizer 1.1 doubles as a commercial quality diffuser delivering an 80 minute  treatment for a 400 square foot area and then shuts off automatically. You may add your favorite essential oils or add 20 drops of the affordable (and organic) “AiromaCarrier Blend 7” from Breathe Again...Naturally. This blend uses seven of the most aromatic essential oils that are known for promoting respiratory and sinus well-being and allows your machine to remain active for more than limited to Airomatherapy sessions.

 The commercial sized Twin Fog Newbulizer 1.1” retails for $1,299.00 is of high quality construction for institutional use such as a busy professional office, health fair or a mall setting. The Twin Fog Newbulizer 1.1 features dual ultrasonic foggers and twin fans that serves up to 4 persons simultaneously receiving Airomatherapy. Built-in electronically controlled timer stops treatment at preset parameters. Enjoy the view as an internal waterfall gently runs down the front wall,  by a pleasant light show with a user controlled keyboard. Unit also features 2 phone charger USB ports for user convenience. Twin Fog Newbulizer 1.1 can be used on desktop or installed on a portable kiosk on wheels. The unit doubles as a Commercial Diffuser and will infuse up to 40 drops per tank of your favorite essential oil blend into the air over a two hour period.  Try the affordable (and organic) “Carrier Blend 7” from Breathe Again...Naturally, a formula developed using seven of the most aromatic essential oils that are known for promoting respiratory and sinus well-being.

A Serious Question:

 Wouldn't it be better to use the whole system instead of having the same number of sick days each year? Would that pay for itself? Maybe so. Much more pleasant, too. I hate the so-called Flu Season and the mysterious crud!

Thank you for considering Breathe Again...Naturally!

Your friend and “breathing freedom” fighter,

Phil Harley

*Wedge Formation is a military tactic. A “V” shaped, large block of weaponry, aggressively moving into enemy territory. The Breathe Again...Naturally formula has 11 ingredients that on a microscopic level would compare to this military tactic.

++Why the new word Airomatherapy? "Aromatherapy" is an acceptable modality to all Texas Chiropractors, but few utilize it because of its apparent superficiality. It's current use and reputation is one of simply providing a positive atmosphere for a massage room or such. No intelligent mind sees basic aromatherapy as a treatment for serious respiratory troubles. Aromatherapy would need a complete overhaul to become a beneficial modality. Some are already leading the charge. Essential oil use and awareness has skyrocketed over the last few years. The people have voted and they want all-natural alternatives! Young Living Oils is now selling a tented inhalation environment called the "Aromadome." It is for sale in their catalog and used with an expensive compressor style oil diffuser. The way has already been paved for us. Direct application of essential oils suspended in air are already being welcomed into the respiratory tract. See link: http://heavenscentoils4u.com/services/aromadome-session/

AROMATHERAPY IS A WARM, OPEN DOOR:

 By taking this open door of Aromatherapy and UPGRADING it to a respiratory supporting "AIROMATHERAPY SESSION" (my invented word…pronounced the same) a new protocol is now available. This IS how the breathing treatment goes mainstream! Before my formula was invented in November of 2015, the worldwide use of essential oils was limited to fragrance and skin application only. These powerful oils were not safe to inhale or etc. In fact, many of the best essential oils are labeled "Hot" and must be cut with Coconut oil or such, reducing the absorption and effectiveness. If you have read my Breathe Again Story about the "miracle" I experienced while making the formula, you will recall that the essential oils became water soluble and that means, in the right amounts, inhalable. Getting the right amounts of these oils and the water suspended silver, zinc and mineral lime into the depths of the lungs, took some engineering....my favorite part. I invented 3 new machines for delivering  safe and effective deep lung inhalation of emulsified essential oils.

M.D.s Will Get Onboard:

 Currently, M.D.'s have nothing to offer breathing patients but lung muscle relaxers (albuterol, etc.) and dangerous steroids, both with a long list of side effects. These Doctors are trapped under the same medical tyranny as everyone else. In fact, there is an M.D. In Dickinson, Texas who had to fight for the right to treat children for Lead poisoning! Her license had been suspended until she sued and prevailed with the A.M.A. medical board. Her name is Dorothy Merritt, M.D.

The Airomatherapy Experience:

 No need to put on a mask or hook up any hoses. Sit down and relax while observing a built-in light show enhanced water feature as a gentle-dense fog moves toward the face bringing a pleasant, refreshing treatment. This aromatic, fine mist is completely organic, yet hosts powerful residual elements. The fog that is deeply inhaled contains suspended silver, zinc, mineral lime and essential oils. These ingredients do not ever evaporate but remain in trace amounts serving your best interests in natural breathing function. Best of all the formula is drug-free and has no negative side effects. The formula includes 7 essential oils to produce a pleasant aroma that is unique and naturally opens airways.  

+These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Consult your health care professional before using this product.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

notes about a potential second main verse with Jemma not dating Fitz and my headcanons (or at least not by default, but it can be changed at any point in time by diverging from it)  so basically it’s like a canon base in this blog, any thread and new verse with a rper can change the next events or bring Jemma to be better or worse.  -in case of her interacting with an AU Ward of any sort, there are a few more differences too, including Will!Hive which is horrifying and welcomed. Any new ship will have to deal with her complete lack of experience in normal romantic relationships.

season 1 -same up until the end except Fitz doesn’t confess his feelings -also she exercises a lot to be fit, because it’s healthy and ‘just in case’

                          “A knife... I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me” Jemma Simmons,1x17 

  season 2 -training pre-undercover involves guns 

                                                              “Step. Away. From the beer”  Jemma Simmons, 2x03  -she leaves for the same reason, obviously Mack and Hunter won’t know her as the one who left because she didn’t love Fitz, Fitz can just say his best friend left because he was different -PTSD, survivor guilt as hell, flashbacks, anger issues -totally Down For Murder, introjects disapproval and sees herself as the bad apple of the shield family, would like to sacrifice herself, feels a Failure for not saving Trip and not knowing how to help Fitz, also has a major freak out when Skye shows sign of ‘infection’ because what if she loses her too -when she makes up with Fitz she doesn’t forget that the truth about Skye was hidden from her, that Fitz told her her change was scary, and adds it to the list of ‘reasons why I should just keep going with my murderous streak’ -takes her approximately 5 seconds to go from scared for Skye to Happy Mom Mode ‘did you make any friends’ once she’s told Skye will be just fine because she’s of a different specie and not about to break into fragments -feels nothing when she kills Bakshi since he was a hydra agent who brainwashed people, except for regret that she didn’t manage to kill Ward too (like promised)

                              “I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?”  Grant Ward, 2x19                                                     -no ‘maybe there is’ moment with Fitz obviously season 3 -being a single woman who enjoys sex, but also stuck in a place with no precautions and very little hygiene, she has something with Will. She’s also not in love with him, there is more of a friends benefit situation there, but she cares for him, yet being Hope for months destroys her and she’ll always be sensitive about not wanting to be with someone who won’t meet her halfway with that -tortured by Giyera (burned) she doesn’t tell anyone who doesn’t already know and tries to medicate herself as much as she can, later in time Radcliffe will help with surgery. She’ll leave some scars as a reminder of how she failed again. 

                                                                                                “Yikes”  Holden Radcliffe, after s3 -keeps training because it would be crazy to keep working in a place where she’s constantly on the field where other people have to risk their lives to save her and not do her best to be self-sufficient  -trains on throwing knives too, much more, after having thrown a ball for months to hit the same spot in the Maveth cave. She has unexpectedly strong arms too because of her pull ups and general exercising, so it’s thanks to that and her aim that she can attack the enemy with heavy objects, or toss a heavy lamp at Coulson’s head   

                                                                                       “You are grounded” Phil Coulson, 3x22

-tries to get to the quinjet before Lincoln or Daisy can because she feels the reason Hive is on Earth, is immediately stopped by Mack  -still has the habit of waking up and hitting/looking for a shiv when stressed out, it will never really leave. Always has weapons on herself, and the shiv when she sleeps. Tries not to fall asleep around people so they won’t know about nightmares.

season 4  -tells Fitz and only Fitz that she’s going to do her best to raise ranks because she doesn’t trust Mace -goes on a lot of missions because self-destructive and because she wants to find a way to help Daisy and people that SHIELD isn’t willing to help, she and the rest of the team spend a LOT of time apart -she still feels hurt when May buys that she’s Mace’s lapdog because she should know. The feeling that she’s different from the team grows. She’s not the good guy.  -has stopped with the extra-politeness with most people, instead she’s deadpan, she’s in a bad mood almost all the time, she doesn’t talk much, she doesn’t trust anyone and only wants to protect the people she chose to protect (she does joke about taking over SHIELD. It’s a joke and an inside joke because she’s tricking Mace); she IS more talkative and sweet to the team

            “Should have burned this place down when I had the chance” Jemma Simmons, 4x07 -helps Daisy at least by pretending she doesn’t know the meds for her arms are gone, trying to leave intel about watchdogs out, she UNDERSTANDS what it’s like to need to stay away from your loved ones because you feel like you are toxic to them, but hopes she’ll get to talk to Daisy about it because when she did it, it only broke Fitz further

                                “’I like following the rules’ my ass, you fucking liar” Daisy Johnson, 4x04

-looks for an apartment for herself away from the base (and a safehouse?)  -traumas are just piling up but if she gets VERY CLOSE to someone again in those six months after s3, platonically or romantically, this is where she starts finding balance again. She needs a purpose and someone who gives her love and who doesn’t make her feel like she’s not good enough at giving it back  -rest of the season is the same except Fitz is her bff and not her boyfriend, though in that case depending on how it’s plotted Aida might want him as a best friend too because that’s the example of Fitz at his best that she has. Depends on other rper too.   season 5 -did you know being enslaved, deafened and used as a pretty object by a creepy alien with no concept of personal space and who owns you is traumatic?

                                        “Don’t talk to me or my two daughters ever again” Melinda May, 5x02

-attempts to give hope speeches are weak, she’s very, very, very hurt. She only didn’t cut Kasius’ throat because he moved and regrets that too. -between creepy LMD Fitz, creepy Kasius and terrifying Doctor, she’s extra jumpy, flinches away from unexpected touch, doesn’t like many things that remind her of them, she’s one breath from breaking down.  -Deke can be grandson of her and of whatever love interest she has, or simply hers and Fitz’s because they ‘found each other’ in that destroyed future even if they aren’t together now. Depending on the situation it can be pretty uncomfortable, tho.  -she’s not a therapist and she has no idea of how to help Fitz when he breaks, but she can’t encourage him saying he did the right thing nor she can be mad at him if he’s mentally ill. She tries to focus on changing the future instead - even going against Daisy’s orders (then again, she went against any superior officer she’s ever had)(it’s like a confirm that Daisy is the boss) and taking Elena (and Deke?) with her to the particle accelerator  -she still defends herself like Daisy is the one in the wrong because she’s an ass and won’t look sorry in the middle of an argument whether she is or not. If she hasn’t gotten into a better mental place, she’ll also prove the ‘we are invincible’ theory with the acid.

                                                                                        “What the fuck, Jemma” Leo Fitz, 5x17

-Fitz dies or doesn’t . If he does, she’s going to fall apart and yes, look for the one in space, but she’s going to quit afterwards, especially if Fitz won’t want to quit too and go to therapy because she cannot be there next time he breaks or he dies. If he doesn’t die, she might stay or still leave, also for her own mental health. But she might still join someone like Bobbi or Hunter and be out there. 

[sinrau]

Washington (CNN) Coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci issued a stark warning on Tuesday to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, telling them he wouldn’t be surprised if the US sees new cases of coronavirus rising to a level of 100,000 a day.

“We are now having 40-plus thousand new cases a day. I would not be surprised if we go up to 100,000 a day if this does not turn around and so I am very concerned,” Fauci told the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee during a hearing on the pandemic on Tuesday.

Fauci expressed dismay over people congregating in crowds and not wearing masks and inadequate attention being paid to guidelines on reopening.

“We’re going to continue to be in a lot of trouble, and there’s going to be a lot of hurt if that does not stop,” he said.

The urgent message came during a hearing on the latest efforts by the US government to contain the pandemic, as several states struggle to contain the virus amid rising cases and state reopenings. The US reported more than 40,000 new Covid-19 cases on Friday, its biggest daily jump yet.

Asked if the pandemic is under control, Fauci said, “I am not satisfied with what’s going on because we are going in the wrong direction if you look at the curves of the new cases, so we’ve really got to do something about that and we need to do it quickly,” adding, “Clearly we are not in total control right now.”

Fauci said that he can’t make an accurate prediction of the number of cases and deaths the US will see before the pandemic is over, but said, “It’s going to be very disturbing, I will guarantee you that.”

Fauci, Redfield urge American public to wear masks

Fauci and US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Dr. Robert Redfield stressed the importance of wearing masks during testimony before a Senate committee on Tuesday, with Fauci saying “we recommend masks for everyone” and “masks are extremely important.”

Redfield singled out younger Americans in particular to deliver a message that they are not exempt from the necessity of wearing a mask.

“It is critical that we all take the personal responsibility to slow the transmission of Covid-19 and embrace the universal use of face coverings,” he said. “Specifically, I’m addressing the younger members of our society, the Millennials and the Generation Zs — I ask those that are listening to spread the word.”

Fauci spoke of the across-the-board importance of wearing masks.

“We are all in this together,” he said, adding, “We recommend masks for everyone on the outside, anyone who comes into contact in a crowded area. You should avoid crowds where possible and when you’re outside and not have the capability of maintaining distance, you should wear a mask at all times.”

Fauci indicated that he would support an effort to increase the production of high-quality masks in the US and distribute them free of charge to the American public in response to a question from Vermont independent Sen. Bernie Sanders.

“Masks are extremely important,” Fauci said, adding, “There’s no doubt that wearing masks protects you and gets you to be protected. So it’s people protecting each other. Anything that furthers the use of masks, whether it’s giving out free masks or any other mechanism, I am thoroughly in favor of.”

More than half of all states are seeing a rise in cases, and Florida, Texas and Arizona are getting hit particularly hard. Texas has begun scaling back its reopening, and beaches in Florida have closed for the upcoming holiday weekend.

Experts testify on vaccine development as the FDA gets more involved

Dr. Stephen Hahn, commissioner of the US Food and Drug Administration, said the FDA is taking action to help coronavirus vaccine developers get through the approval process faster.

“I am pleased to announce that today, FDA is taking action to aid the timely development of a safe and effective vaccine to prevent Covid-19 by providing guidance for developers, with recommendations on the data needed to facilitate manufacturing, clinical development, and approval,” he said.

Hahn said the FDA is committed to “help expedite this work,” but added, “We will not cut corners in our decision making.”

Hahn said the guidance will “provide regulatory clarity around what FDA expects with respect to those data. We want to see certain parts of those data so that we can demonstrate to the world, to the nation, to the American people, that we are following our rigorous standards with respect to safety and efficacy.”

“This is particularly as important as we know that some people are skeptical of vaccine development efforts,” he continued, adding that “public confidence in vaccines is so important.”

Separately, Redfield said there was “substantial disappointment with American Airlines” when the airline announced it would stop limiting seat sales on airlines.

“I can tell you that when they announced that the other day, obviously there was substantial disappointment with American Airlines,” Redfield said. “I can say this is under critical review right now by us at CDC. We don’t think it’s the right message.”

Last week, American Airlines said it plans to begin selling every seat on flights, something it has not done since the pandemic struck this spring.

The airline responded to criticism of the decision, saying in a statement Tuesday that it is committed to the “safety and well-being of (its) customers and team members.” The airline said that it has “multiple layers of protection” for passengers and that it provides flexibility to those who want to change flights.

Experts promise increased testing

Fauci and Redfield testified before lawmakers last week, when Fauci said “we’re going to be doing more testing, not less,” in response to President Donald Trump’s recent claim that he asked his administration to slow down testing during the pandemic.

Senators have been weighing another stimulus package in recent weeks as unemployment numbers remain worrisome and economic hardship stemming from the pandemic persists. Republicans remains divided on the size and scale of the next stimulus bill and while it has been discussed for months, the next phase of economic relief is still weeks away. But there is now broad agreement something has to be done — something that wasn’t always the case.

In Capitol Hill’s last round of aid, Congress boosted unemployment checks by $600 a week and added 13 weeks of pay, beyond what states offer. The additional money will expire on July 31 without congressional action, but the 13-week extension will remain in place until the end of the year. A second round of stimulus payments is on the negotiating table in Washington, but some of the 160 million Americans who got money the first time could be left out, according a more targeted approach the administration is pushing for.

Republicans have zeroed in on the last week of July to reach agreement on the next round of stimulus legislation. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been adamant for weeks on that timeline and the administration is on board.

This story has been updated with additional developments Tuesday.

CNN’s Amanda Watts, Alison Main, Phil Mattingly and Katie Lobosco contributed to this report.

Fauci warns Congress that new US coronavirus cases could rise to 100,000 a day

[fyeahjeaninnocent]

So it occurred to me that some people in the Rebecca Front fandot might be hesistant about reblogging yesterday’s really great interview with her, since it was posted on The D@ily M@il. So, I’ve taken the liberty of  copying the transcript here (below the cut) so that people can still read it without that controversial site in their browser history.

'Sex symbol? I’ve still got it!': Actress Rebecca Front on body confidence and what she's got in common with Theresa May

By KERRY POTTER FOR YOU MAGAZINE

From The Thick of It to War & Peace, REBECCA FRONT’s talent for portraying powerful women has won her legions of male fans. She tells Kerry Potter about body confidence, her (teenage) fashion mentor and what she’s got in common with Theresa May.

Rebecca Front is fixing me with The Look. Even the most cursory of TV viewers will be familiar with it: stern and authoritative, as seen on Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent in ITV crime drama Inspector Lewis (three years on from Rebecca’s departure, her co-star Laurence Fox still calls her ‘ma’am’).

She also deployed it in her role as cabinet minister Nicola Murray in the BBC political satire The Thick of It, as well as in her matriarch roles in period dramas War & Peace and Doctor Thorne. And now The Look is back for Rebecca’s turn in Kay Mellor’s new register-office-set BBC One drama Love, Lies and Records. She plays Judy, an awkward, jobsworth registrar who is furious when she gets overlooked for promotion in favour of her nemesis: gregarious, chaotic working mother Kate, played by Ashley Jensen.

Right now, I am nervously witnessing an impromptu demonstration of The Look up close. We won’t call it ‘resting b**ch face’ because Rebecca doesn’t like the word b**ch: ‘We wouldn’t call a man that.’ We settle for ‘resting angry face’.

‘It’s useful to be able to look quite scary,’ she says. ‘I’m really bad at complaining about things in shops or restaurants because I don’t like confrontation, but sometimes I don’t need to complain because you can just see it in my face.’ And with that, The Look is gone as she breaks into a grin. ‘I am quite a smiley person; I’m actually not stern enough. I’m quite soft and woolly by nature.’

She’s also a million times sexier than many of her characters. ‘I’ve got much more body confident as I’ve got older. I’m fitter and more muscly. I go to the gym three times a week. My teenage daughter [Tilly, 16] has given me more self-assurance. We shop together a lot and I pick up clothes and say, “I don’t think I can get away with that.” And she says, “What does that mean? You’re setting yourself a rule and that’s ridiculous. You tell me not to do that, so why should you?” So I’ve upped my game: I dress more confidently, I carry myself more confidently. You only live once.’

She’s about to get her ears pierced for the second time in recent years, egged on by Tilly, having previously been too scared. That’s the only needle she’ll tolerate though – cosmetic surgery is a big no. ‘Women are under so much pressure: the thought that you have to change your body to be accommodated in society seems wrong to me. I’m hesitant to say I hate it because I don’t want to judge people for doing it – I understand the impulse – but it worries me.’

At 53, Rebecca is happy to look her age. ‘It bothers me that people aren’t allowed to grow old naturally because there’s a beauty in that. I know it’s a cliché but confidence is the sexiest thing and if more women felt confident about the way they looked, they wouldn’t need to have those procedures. It takes guts to say, “I’ve got wrinkles and crow’s feet and I’m not bothered about it. I quite like them, actually.”’

Her tendency to play powerful, brusque characters has won her a legion of male fans. ‘Some men are really drawn to authoritative women, aren’t they? I occasionally get messages from men asking for photos of my shoes because they probably imagine I’m wearing really scary stilettos. I mean, I am today, but usually I think, “Erm, do you want a picture of my trainers?”’

Her turn as Chief Superintendent Innocent especially caught people’s imagination, reportedly inspiring erotic fanfiction about the relationship between Innocent and Laurence Fox’s character DS James Hathaway. ‘I try not to engage with that stuff,’ Rebecca hoots.

Kay Mellor, creator of big-hearted, women-centric dramas such as Band of Gold and Fat Fighters, had the idea for Loves, Lies and Records when she attended a register office to record the death of her mother, noting how the location was a microcosm for life’s highs and lows. Accordingly, the first episode is a rollercoaster of emotion, as sad as it is funny, taking in births, deaths and marriages.

Despite appearances, Rebecca says she’s not made of stern enough stuff to work in that environment. ‘I wear my heart on my sleeve too much for a job like that. With all the deaths and babies, I wouldn’t last more than five minutes. I cry very easily since having my children.’ (As well as Tilly, Rebecca and her TV producer/writer husband Phil Clymer have 18-year-old Oliver.) Being a cry baby does have benefits though: ‘I’ve become a much better actor since I had children. It’s made me less self-conscious and opened up a fast-track to accessing my emotions.’

Creating Judy was a welcome challenge: ‘I thought, how on earth am I going to play this woman as I have nothing in common with her? She has no sense of humour, she’s antisocial, she’s judgmental. We would not get on at all. But I didn’t want to play her like a cartoon villain. She’s just complicated. She’s a human being and it’s my job to understand why she does what she does and find a way into her head.’

The careers of Rebecca and her co-star Ashley Jensen have bloomed in a similar way, with both making the successful transition from comedy to drama. On graduating from Oxford, Rebecca began her career in radio comedy in the early 1990s, working with Armando Iannucci (who went on to create The Thick of It) and Steve Coogan.

Moving into TV, Rebecca starred in the Alan Partridge canon, with shows such as The Day Today, and later in Nighty Night, Queers and The Catherine Tate Show. Ashley, meanwhile, made her name in Extras and Ugly Betty as well as, more recently, in Catastrophe.

‘I’m in awe of Ashley – those shifts she makes between comedy moments and moving moments are effortless,’ says Rebecca. The two bonded so well off-camera that at one point they had a giggling fit so epic, crew members filmed it on their phones.

The current state of politics, however, is less of a laughing matter for Rebecca. Does she wish they were still making The Thick of It? ‘Things have gone so mad it would be hard to find fictional ideas that were crazier than what we’re going through,’ she says. ‘Even Armando couldn’t top this.’

Having played Nicola Murray, she says she has more sympathy for politicians, especially female ones. Indeed, she’s more charitable about Theresa May than you might expect a left-leaning actor to be: ‘We judge women in public life in a different way. She gets criticised for her hair, for what she wears, for being unemotional – I don’t think that would get levelled at a man. I suspect she’s probably a very nice woman. I don’t know her but I don’t look at her and think, “She’s evil.” It’s not a job I’d want in a million years in this toxic political environment. She’s doing an incredibly difficult job.’

And the two women share one characteristic: being a bit square. When asked to share a secret, Rebecca pauses: ‘I’m hesitant about saying anything that will sound like May admitting that running through a wheat field was the naughtiest thing she’d ever done. After she said that, my children said, “Mum that’s you! That’s the answer you would have given!” I’m such a square. I was head girl at school and I’m so law-abiding. If I saw a wheat field I would only enter it if there was a sign saying, “Please run here.”’

Having suffered from anxiety since she was a child, growing up in Northeast London, Rebecca now campaigns on mental health issues as an ambassador for the charity Anxiety UK. Her claustrophobia was written into her role in The Thick of It in a scene where Nicola refuses to get into a lift and is memorably blasted by her spin-doctor colleague, the legendarily vitriolic Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi), as an ‘omnishambles’ (a word, she notes with glee, that’s now in the Oxford English Dictionary).

How did Rebecca feel about her private, real-life issues becoming the butt of a joke? ‘I’ve found humour is the best tool to deal with anxiety. You can’t afford to take it too seriously because it just gets worse,’ she smiles. She still struggles a little with lifts and can’t see herself ever travelling by tube. ‘These days I check in every so often with CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy], maybe once or twice a year if I feel I need a reboot.’

With the tube off limits, she often travels to and from her North London family home by bus. ‘I find them very relaxing and you get great material on buses: people do and say funny things. Nobody expects to see actors on the bus so fans often tweet me to say, “I saw your lookalike on the bus today.” No, it was me!’

She is heartened by Princes William and Harry speaking out about mental health issues. ‘I thought it was great, bless them for doing that. I don’t think the stigma has entirely gone, but it’s really improved.’

But back to business. When it comes to work, Rebecca has never been busier. She’s just finished Down a Dark Hall, a supernatural movie starring Uma Thurman; she’s filming a TV comedy pilot next week, and she recently delivered the draft of her second book of personal essays, following 2014’s Curious. What’s left? ‘Oh, I’m still hugely ambitious,’ she says. ‘There’s loads of stuff I want to do: some Shakespeare, a lot more theatre and drama that will really stretch me as it’s only been in the past few years that I’ve really started to use my drama chops.’

What about playing a femme fatale? ‘I’d love to do that,’ she sighs. ‘But I don’t know if that’s going to come up because there’s still this ageist culture. People don’t think of you like that when you’re over 40. We had a lunch party at our house the other day and I was the youngest woman there. I looked around the table and thought, “Just look at all these fabulous, well-dressed, attractive, funny women in their 50s and 60s.” Why don’t we see that on TV very often?’ I can imagine she’d only have to give a room of casting directors The Look and that would change.

And regardless, she’s blazing a trail as the thinking-man’s sex symbol. ‘I’d be flattered to think that. I’ve still got it going on!’ she grins, slinking out of the door to her waiting car. The Prime of Ms Rebecca Front? You had better believe it.

Rebecca rates

Fashion picks-- I’m too cheap to spend thousands on a frock. When I won a Bafta [for playing Nicola Murray in The Thick of It], I wore a £100 dress from Coast. I like AllSaints, Zara and Asos, and I live in jeans and shirts.

Reading-- The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer. It’s told from the perspective of a young man trying to make sense of a life-changing event.

Best beauty product --My daughter introduced me to Mac’s Prep + Prime Fix + finishing spray. It sets your make-up and gives you a bit of a glow.

Listening to Political podcasts – Pod Save America and West Wing Weekly are my favourites. My son, who is travelling, listens too, and we message each other about them.

Breakfast --Avocado and poached eggs on toast – and it’s got to have chilli flakes, otherwise forget it.

Watching --The Shop Around the Corner, a little-known screwball comedy with James Stewart. It’s my favourite go-to feel-good film.

Guilty pleasure-- Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry. I don’t believe it for a minute but I don’t care, it’s so much fun. I snuggle up with my daughter and watch it.

Most treasured possession-- A book in which I wrote down sweet things my kids used to say at bed time and bath time when they were little.

Tipple of choice-- A dry martini with an olive.

Describe yourself in three words-- Thoughtful, kind and funny – at least, I aspire to be.

Dream dinner-party guests-- We have quite a lot of them over already. Frances Barber is great company and a friend of mine. Ditto Barry Cryer – he’s hilarious. And Jane Austen would have been a hoot, I reckon.

How would you like to be remembered?-- As someone who brightened people’s day.

[jam2289]

Notes on Horsemanship

I've always liked horses, I just haven't interacted with them much. A handful of years ago I took some private lessons and worked up to jumping over little gates. It was fun. Then, I ended having health issues after almost dying in Africa, and then I had complications with my spine, and now it's been years since I've been on a horse. Over the last few weeks I've tried motorcycle riding for the first time in years, and I've been fine. Soon I'm going to give horseback riding a try. I have some hesitancy about it, because it could go very bad for my health. But, as a step on that path I went to a 2-day horsemanship seminar at Chance Stables put on by Phil Oakes.

Last year I noticed that there was a horsemanship seminar going on near me. I looked into it just a little and learned that Phil Oakes is known for his gentle methods used to create gentle horses. I like that, it goes well with my spine that needs gentle treatment. But, last year I was not anywhere near having the health and ability to get on a horse. This year it's at least in the realm of possibility, so I decided to go watch.

I'm giving presentations at the Harry Potter festival in Sparta this coming weekend so I took a notebook to work on those speeches. I didn't plan on taking many notes about horsemanship, but Phil started throwing out so much wisdom so quickly that I ended up with three full pages.

Here's the thing, I'm not that good at taking notes. Growing up I always had a strong memory and found that paying attention in the moment ended up being more valuable than taking notes. It worked out great when someone else would take notes. For instance, when I was doing EMT training I rarely took notes. A few students organized a study group and I was a part of it. Everyone else took more notes that me, and there was one guy, Matt, that took a ridiculous amount of notes. And, he was good at taking notes. His handwriting was good, and he liked organizing them. He had hundreds and hundreds of 3x5 cards. It was great. I would pay close attention in class, trying to absorb as much as possible. Then, I would study off of Matt's notes in the group. (I ended up being number 2 in the class, Matt was number 1.) (Now that I've had some brainstem damage and short and long term memory issues, I see notes in a different light.)

All of that to say that I'm not sure if my notes are going to be very valuable to anyone else. But the seminar itself was quite amazing. It was interesting to watch people confronting problems and creatively trying to work through them and solve them. The problems had a wide range. Some people were on new horses, or horses that were new to them, some horses had injuries that needed to be worked with, some riders had been thrown and were working through that fear, some were afraid of riding next to so many other horses and were working through that, all sorts of stuff.

This all took place at Chance Stables. I talked to quite a few people there and it seems like a wonderful and expanding place. They do multiple horse therapy groups and a number of other things. I was impressed.

The first day focused quite a lot on groundwork, where you aren't on the horse. Later in the day some of it was in the saddle. It was a nice sunny day and we were outside. I came close to burning, I burn easily, and I learned a lot.

- - - - - - -

Phil Oakes - ground work

if what your doing isn't working, cut it in half - patience

relax, wait, cause to think instead of react

don't bend the neck, do lateral jaw flexion instead, soften the jaw

jaw is connected to hind legs

want back of hips down

don't disengage rear by crossing

wait out the tension

teach backing up first

relaxation of the jaw and the mind has to be first before he can learn

if horse won't give space walk directly at him and let him move

relaxing exercise, half circle-lateral-half circle other way, figure 8

vibrate to help relieve intense tension

balance is key

I love circles, we don't want to stop forward motion

I have a bubble

I stop he stops, I go he goes

left had, hope hand doesn't need to move

let them know what you're going to do, big breathe indicates bubble

we don't want to correct curiosity too much

reward the horse while he's moving (unless he has trouble stopping) with petting

deep out breathe indicates stopping, deep in indicates going

the horse is always looking for a leader, she wants a leader but won't follow a bad leader

before you ask the horse to do something have intent

get the pelvis under them

don't collect the horse with the neck down

want the head up, but guide it, don't push or pull it or the back will hollow

final spine fusions at 9 years old, health horse should peak in the mid 20s, work in 30s

don't reward a reaction even if it's what you want, reward it when it's thought through

want a long lead

loose jaw, hips under, backing up head up, bubble and circle, 3 track crossover

reward small good behaviors and let them grow

don't turn too sharp

use fence on side and in front to work on crossover

hold arms out and you can feel it when you walk

we want them to stop and think, not natural

let the lesson soak in, don't rush

multiple short sessions a day

raise up front, sink rear, muscle memory

give the horse enough room to give a signal

walk away to create room, then turn and train

change the mind and the feet will follow

pain or intimidation may produce compliance, but never softness

- - - - - - -

(I had to leave about a half hour early that first day because I had to get to a graduation party, and then take off to a rehearsal for a speech.)

I could tell many stories from the two days. The person I met that had crazy adventure stories about hitchhiking. The odd and deep conversations that I tend to get into with people about all sorts of things ranging from health, to fear, to meaning, to archetypes. I could talk about the weird mini-horses that cause trouble with the fences by escaping, and chase the other horses, and can't be caught. I could talk about the observations that I noticed on why some horses spooked at certain times, that I don't think anyone else caught, or the time a horse became interested in a clock and knocked it down and broke it. But, I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to talk about my heart.

At lunch I was talking to Phil about how he uses his stick. He touches the horse in certain spots to indicate to the horse how he wants them to move. If the horse doesn't move he just keeps poking them in a rhythm. I noticed that he didn't get more intense, or harder, or stronger, just steady. He said waiting it out is important. If you do it with a rhythm the horse will eventually move. The horse is trying to figure it out, it's trying to adjust its mind and body to do the work. (Several people said their horse was "lazy." Phil completely disagrees with every saying that. If the horse doesn't want to move, something is wrong.)

He said that if instead of using a steady rhythm you do it erratically then it won't work. I then mentioned that I noticed when working with my uncle John one time on some music that I really struggle with keeping a steady beat. Phil said that your ability to keep a steady beat is based on your heart. I realized that maybe the issues I have with my spinal deformities and the pressure on my brainstem, that do cause some heart issues, might ultimately be part of why I struggle with keeping a steady beat. Phil wondered if learning to keep a steady beat might work to help my heart. An idea I hadn't thought about before.

I had many interesting conversations over both days like that. The second day was rainy. We started in the inside arena, but did do some work outside later. The second day was all in the saddle.

- - - - - - -

Phil Oakes - saddle work

steer with just the reins first

watch the jaw, don't want to bend the neck

learn to weave

once the jaw/rein is working, then work on pushing the rear with the leg

slide hand down reing to signal

roll horses head to down from side, less tension

weave across straight line, alternate haunches in shoulders in then both haunches and shoulders in

reward one step by letting it go

horse should look and then go

trust is key

some horses display fear, others hold it in

start collection one rein side at a time

gentle, but don't let them fall on the forehand

the horse isn't lazy, he's out of balance

lift straight up on rein while standing until same side front foot lifts then let him go, prevents bucking

don't destroy forward, redirect instead

perfect circle, perfect drift, then jog, never heavy in hand

there has to be a leader, if you're not then he will be

stick, this is my space

if you're telling them what not to do, they're telling you what to do, do what you're doing, focus on your intention

if horse won't go come to side, horse will go when off balance

you want him to think through a crisis, not natural

stick and rope work, chaos, only place he can find peace is where you want him, then stop pet and let sink in

left circle, left leg back right leg forward

everything is gradual, one component at a time, let him figure it out

when they speed up they start to blank out

- - - - - - -

(I did more talking to people on the second day so I missed some significant portions, but it's still a lot of good info.)

Now, what shall I do. I was talking to Jeremy, that's been helping out at the farm for the last handful of years, and he was telling me about the teen program they run on Saturday mornings. You help for a couple of hours and then you get some time with a horse. Kim runs it and I asked her if it would be okay if I showed up just a bit late since I teach on Saturday mornings, and she said that would be fine.

I'm slightly ambivalent about it because I might not be able to ride horses at all, ever. So, maybe it would be best just to go somewhere, hop on a horse for an hour, and see if it's even possible. But, it would probably be cool to work with the kids too. So, maybe in a couple of weeks I'll go on Saturday and check it out. Maybe work on groundwork with a horse the first week. If everything goes well, maybe I'll get on a horse in a few weeks and see how it goes. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to walk on a horse. I'm worried about the trot though. I'll have to play with it. Maybe if I post I can take it, that's a little stand-up motion you do while riding. And, I think there's some possibility I'll be able to canter. No matter how it goes, I want to give it a try. Only by exploring do we expand our range of possibilities and abilities in life.

I thought the seminar would be interesting and informative, but I didn't expect it to be quite so much fun. It was a good first step in seeing if I can get back on a horse.

________________________________________________

You can find more of what I'm doing at http://www.JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com

[honeybadgerradio]

Southern VS Patreon, Court Acquits Man in Rape Case - Polecat Cast 120

Join us on the Polecat Cast as we discuss the news of the week, including a millionaire who commits suicide when his wife has an affair, a court in India acquits a man in a rape case, the Lauren Southern vs Patreon story results in policy changes, and more!

Show notes: https://www.patreon.com/posts/13566355

Help save the doge! http://www.feedthebadger.com/projects

Follow us on Minds! https://www.minds.com/HoneyBadgerRadio

Libsyn: http://honeybadgerradio.libsyn.com/

Support us monthly! http://www.patreon.com/honeybadgerradio

Support us one-time! http://www.feedthebadger.com

Show notes:

  Doctor Who Has a Personality Disorder... No, Seriously This Time… By Max Derrat

 When you think of the most toxic fanbases out there, what comes to mind? Steven Universe? Beliebers? Fans of Silent Hill (post number three)? In my time on the Internet, I have never seen a fanbase that is as omnipresent and crazy as the Doctor Who fanbase.

 Thankfully, I’ve been able to ignore the toxicity, as I still don’t know a single thing about Doctor Who aside from two things: a) multiple actors have played the character, and b) almost every person I have ever met that has contributed to my deteriorating mental health has been a Doctor Who fan.

 But nonetheless, it seems to me (and correct me if I’m wrong), that Doctor Who being a morphological entity is a core essential element of his character, hence why so many actors have played the role. Recently, it was announced that the world would be introduced to a female Doctor Who, that will be played by Broadchurch actress Jodie Whittaker. With the little knowledge I had of the character, it seemed to be a fun little experiment, as long as they weren’t trying to hamfist identity politics into the mix.

 But why in god’s name would I think that when I consider that a huge portion of this show’s fanbase comes from tumblr?! On top of the new Doctor Who being a woman, she is also going to be bisexual and have a lesbian affair. This is according to Michelle Gomez who plays the character of Missy in Doctor Who.

 Fellow Honey Badgers… dear viewers… please enlighten me as to why I am an ignorant slut on this issue?

Source: http://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz-tv/hot-tv/632867/female-dr-Doctor-Who-bisexual-lesbian-gay-affair-Jodie-Whittaker-Pearl-Mackie

   Indian High Court Judge Acknowledges Women Misuse Legal System By Andrew G.

In many countries throughout the world, people abuse the legal system for personal gain. In the U.S., the term “lawsuit happy” is often used to describe individuals who sue one another for the smallest infractions. However, India’s culture lends itself to a very different type of abuse of their legal system. Many Indian women bring forth suits against men for “raping” them. However, a large quantity of these cases are brought under false pretenses. Many involve such circumstances as a woman claiming that a man promised marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse, with that promise “unfulfilled,” a woman can cry rape. In many cases, if the woman is living with the man’s family at the time of the alleged rape, the man’s family can also be jailed.

This week in India, a Delhi High Court Judge presided over a case where a woman had appealed a lower court’s ruling acquitting a man of raping her. Before marrying the man in 2015, the woman filed a rape case. The man allegedly raped the woman after being forced to consume a sedative-laced drink. However, during an interview with police, the woman admitted that there was a “misunderstanding” between the couple, casting doubt on the rape claim. Both the man and the woman had asked for the police report to be quashed because they both wished to marry. The lower courts rejected the request, forcing the man to stand trial. During the trial, the woman decided not to provide any testimony, and being the only witness the court had no choice but to acquit the man. However, after the acquittal, the woman turned hostile and filed an appeal, which ended up in the Delhi High Court.

Delhi High Court Justice Pratibha Rani rejected the woman’s case. In a statement she made, Rani said that.

“This court has observed on a number of occasions cases where both persons, out of their own will, develop consensual physical relationship. When the relationship breaks up, the women use the law as a weapon for vengeance and personal vendetta. They tend to convert consensual acts as incidents of rape, defeating the very purpose of the provision. This requires a clear demarcation between rape and consensual sex, especially in the case where complaint is that consent had been given on promise of marriage,”

Justice Rani’s statement shows that at least one person in India’s legal system understands that women can file false rape claims against men.

Sources http://www.indiatimes.com/news/india/court-acquits-man-in-rape-case-saying-some-women-term-consensual-acts-as-rape-after-break-up-326744.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rbbCqUSbs8 http://www.ndtv.com/india-news/women-term-consensual-acts-as-rape-after-break-up-delhi-high-court-1730100 

  Patreon Partakes in Partisan Politics

By Mike J.

Patreon has come under fire after the controversial banning of Canadian based, independent journalist Lauren Southern. The move seems to be related to Southern's involvement with the French based anti-illegal immigration and anti-human trafficking group Génération Identitaire. Earlier in May, Southern and members of Génération Identitaire were briefly detained by the Italian coast guard, although never arrested or charged, after attempted to halt a German NGO ship known to be ferrying illegal migrants from Libya to Sicily. According to Southern, the ship was empty at the time and was on it's way to pick up more migrants. In the letter sent to Southern by Patreon, they sum up their reasoning for the closing of her account by stating: "It appears that you are currently raising funds in order to take part in activities that are likely to cause loss of life."

Supporters of Southern were quick to point out that her banning seemed politically motivated and also hypocritical as Patreon hosts several Antifa related accounts who seem much more apt to cause loss of life than Southern herself. Patreon CEO Jack Conte took to YouTube a week later to attempt to explain the reasoning behind Southern's banning and to announce new policies aimed at making his company more transparent. In the video Conte states that Patreon will also be banning the prominent Antifa group "It’s Going Down" from their service. Conte further states that a warning system and appeals process are also in the works for user of the website. It's unclear if the appeals process, once in place, would apply to Southern but even if it did Southern has stated that she would not seek to appeal Patreon's decision and instead has opted to move to a different platform.

Source: http://bigleaguepolitics.com/patreon-changes-policies-response-backlash-banning-lauren-southern/  

  Millionaire Commits Suicide in Wake of Wife's Infidelity 

by L Kemlo

Sad story about a UK man.

Phil Smith, 52, committed suicide after suspecting his wife was having an affair after following to witness her with another man. Mr. Smith was a successful businessman and moved out of the £1.5m home he shared with his partner and their three daughters a few days before his death. Mr. Smith left delayed text messages to his children and friends before hanging himself in a rural holiday chalet. The owner of the chalet said that he had booked a couple times prior, one time paying and never showing up.

Mr. Smith had suffered a stroke in 2012 that left him with pain and depression. Mrs. Smith denies having an affair, saying that the stroke left him paranoid and that although they had talked about divorce they were working through the issues.

His daughter, Khianna, who worked with her father, said he had broken down in tears at the office on Tuesday, January 31 when he told her he had seen his wife with a man. Khianna said that he planned to see a divorce lawyer and was looking into flats to move into because the relationship was over. She said, "He loved her to bits but he couldn't see a future."

Source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/millionaire-businessman-52-killed-himself-10890871

Check out the latest Honeybadgers episode.

[breakingtheglasses]

Southern VS Patreon, Court Acquits Man in Rape Case - Polecat Cast 120

Join us on the Polecat Cast as we discuss the news of the week, including a millionaire who commits suicide when his wife has an affair, a court in India acquits a man in a rape case, the Lauren Southern vs Patreon story results in policy changes, and more!

Show notes: https://www.patreon.com/posts/13566355

Help save the doge! http://www.feedthebadger.com/projects

Follow us on Minds! https://www.minds.com/HoneyBadgerRadio

Libsyn: http://honeybadgerradio.libsyn.com/

Support us monthly! http://www.patreon.com/honeybadgerradio

Support us one-time! http://www.feedthebadger.com

Show notes:

  Doctor Who Has a Personality Disorder... No, Seriously This Time… By Max Derrat

 When you think of the most toxic fanbases out there, what comes to mind? Steven Universe? Beliebers? Fans of Silent Hill (post number three)? In my time on the Internet, I have never seen a fanbase that is as omnipresent and crazy as the Doctor Who fanbase.

 Thankfully, I’ve been able to ignore the toxicity, as I still don’t know a single thing about Doctor Who aside from two things: a) multiple actors have played the character, and b) almost every person I have ever met that has contributed to my deteriorating mental health has been a Doctor Who fan.

 But nonetheless, it seems to me (and correct me if I’m wrong), that Doctor Who being a morphological entity is a core essential element of his character, hence why so many actors have played the role. Recently, it was announced that the world would be introduced to a female Doctor Who, that will be played by Broadchurch actress Jodie Whittaker. With the little knowledge I had of the character, it seemed to be a fun little experiment, as long as they weren’t trying to hamfist identity politics into the mix.

 But why in god’s name would I think that when I consider that a huge portion of this show’s fanbase comes from tumblr?! On top of the new Doctor Who being a woman, she is also going to be bisexual and have a lesbian affair. This is according to Michelle Gomez who plays the character of Missy in Doctor Who.

 Fellow Honey Badgers… dear viewers… please enlighten me as to why I am an ignorant slut on this issue?

Source: http://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz-tv/hot-tv/632867/female-dr-Doctor-Who-bisexual-lesbian-gay-affair-Jodie-Whittaker-Pearl-Mackie

   Indian High Court Judge Acknowledges Women Misuse Legal System By Andrew G.

In many countries throughout the world, people abuse the legal system for personal gain. In the U.S., the term “lawsuit happy” is often used to describe individuals who sue one another for the smallest infractions. However, India’s culture lends itself to a very different type of abuse of their legal system. Many Indian women bring forth suits against men for “raping” them. However, a large quantity of these cases are brought under false pretenses. Many involve such circumstances as a woman claiming that a man promised marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse, with that promise “unfulfilled,” a woman can cry rape. In many cases, if the woman is living with the man’s family at the time of the alleged rape, the man’s family can also be jailed.

This week in India, a Delhi High Court Judge presided over a case where a woman had appealed a lower court’s ruling acquitting a man of raping her. Before marrying the man in 2015, the woman filed a rape case. The man allegedly raped the woman after being forced to consume a sedative-laced drink. However, during an interview with police, the woman admitted that there was a “misunderstanding” between the couple, casting doubt on the rape claim. Both the man and the woman had asked for the police report to be quashed because they both wished to marry. The lower courts rejected the request, forcing the man to stand trial. During the trial, the woman decided not to provide any testimony, and being the only witness the court had no choice but to acquit the man. However, after the acquittal, the woman turned hostile and filed an appeal, which ended up in the Delhi High Court.

Delhi High Court Justice Pratibha Rani rejected the woman’s case. In a statement she made, Rani said that.

“This court has observed on a number of occasions cases where both persons, out of their own will, develop consensual physical relationship. When the relationship breaks up, the women use the law as a weapon for vengeance and personal vendetta. They tend to convert consensual acts as incidents of rape, defeating the very purpose of the provision. This requires a clear demarcation between rape and consensual sex, especially in the case where complaint is that consent had been given on promise of marriage,”

Justice Rani’s statement shows that at least one person in India’s legal system understands that women can file false rape claims against men.

Sources http://www.indiatimes.com/news/india/court-acquits-man-in-rape-case-saying-some-women-term-consensual-acts-as-rape-after-break-up-326744.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rbbCqUSbs8 http://www.ndtv.com/india-news/women-term-consensual-acts-as-rape-after-break-up-delhi-high-court-1730100 

  Patreon Partakes in Partisan Politics

By Mike J.

Patreon has come under fire after the controversial banning of Canadian based, independent journalist Lauren Southern. The move seems to be related to Southern's involvement with the French based anti-illegal immigration and anti-human trafficking group Génération Identitaire. Earlier in May, Southern and members of Génération Identitaire were briefly detained by the Italian coast guard, although never arrested or charged, after attempted to halt a German NGO ship known to be ferrying illegal migrants from Libya to Sicily. According to Southern, the ship was empty at the time and was on it's way to pick up more migrants. In the letter sent to Southern by Patreon, they sum up their reasoning for the closing of her account by stating: "It appears that you are currently raising funds in order to take part in activities that are likely to cause loss of life."

Supporters of Southern were quick to point out that her banning seemed politically motivated and also hypocritical as Patreon hosts several Antifa related accounts who seem much more apt to cause loss of life than Southern herself. Patreon CEO Jack Conte took to YouTube a week later to attempt to explain the reasoning behind Southern's banning and to announce new policies aimed at making his company more transparent. In the video Conte states that Patreon will also be banning the prominent Antifa group "It’s Going Down" from their service. Conte further states that a warning system and appeals process are also in the works for user of the website. It's unclear if the appeals process, once in place, would apply to Southern but even if it did Southern has stated that she would not seek to appeal Patreon's decision and instead has opted to move to a different platform.

Source: http://bigleaguepolitics.com/patreon-changes-policies-response-backlash-banning-lauren-southern/  

  Millionaire Commits Suicide in Wake of Wife's Infidelity 

by L Kemlo

Sad story about a UK man.

Phil Smith, 52, committed suicide after suspecting his wife was having an affair after following to witness her with another man. Mr. Smith was a successful businessman and moved out of the £1.5m home he shared with his partner and their three daughters a few days before his death. Mr. Smith left delayed text messages to his children and friends before hanging himself in a rural holiday chalet. The owner of the chalet said that he had booked a couple times prior, one time paying and never showing up.

Mr. Smith had suffered a stroke in 2012 that left him with pain and depression. Mrs. Smith denies having an affair, saying that the stroke left him paranoid and that although they had talked about divorce they were working through the issues.

His daughter, Khianna, who worked with her father, said he had broken down in tears at the office on Tuesday, January 31 when he told her he had seen his wife with a man. Khianna said that he planned to see a divorce lawyer and was looking into flats to move into because the relationship was over. She said, "He loved her to bits but he couldn't see a future."

Source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/millionaire-businessman-52-killed-himself-10890871

New Honey Badger stuff

[philsdrill]

Chapter 19: Painkillers Won’t Ease The Pain

Fic Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Genre: a lot of fluff, recovery, really fucking domestic, waiter!Phil

Warnings: eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, hospitals, panic attacks, references to past abuse, mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, a lot of awkwardness, small amounts of smut. This is potentially triggering so for your own sake, please think twice about reading if anything this might affect you.

Disclaimer: I don’t have personal experience with eating disorders, but have done some research. If I have anything about them wrong, feel free to send me an ask and I’ll sort it out.

Word Count (for this part): 6.8k

[Uploads will be approximately every couple of weeks! (hopefully)]

A/N: Apologies that this took so bloody long; I honestly don’t know where the time went. I can’t promise that the next update will be any quicker, but I’ll try my best. PLEASE NOTE, TW - MENTIONS OF SELF HARM IN THIS CHAPTER - thought I’d highlight that as it hadn’t come up until now.

MASTERPOST 

<= Previous Chapter 

Phil’s POV:

Dan’s brother was on his train up here long before Dan or I were out of bed. We awoke to a message on Dan’s phone; Adam telling him that he had changed trains for the final time and was now on the one that would take him the local station.

The last leg of the journey was about an hour long, so that gave us plenty of time to get up, get showered and dressed, eat breakfast and get organised.

We were picking Adam up at the station just after midday. I drove there so that Dan could get out to greet his brother while I waited in the car.

I parked in a space conveniently close to the station building. Dan let himself out and I sat in anticipation; I was unsure how the next few days would go. I knew that Adam’s soulmate issues wouldn't make it easy, but I didn't know how much it truly affected him. I guess now we would see.

Despite being stronger now, Dan's state of mental health probably wasn't ideal for having his brother's problems loaded onto his shoulders​. I felt that I would likely be dealing with breakdowns from both of them, so I'd done my best to have as few work shifts as I could this week. Yes, I'd be working harder next week, but it would be worth it.

Dan greeted his brother with a couple of words, silent to me through the car window, and a hug which screamed how much Adam needed the support. His face was instantly buried in Dan's jacket, there being a slight height difference as Adam still hadn't finished growing. He looked just like a mini version of Dan, something I had thought before, when I met him for the first time.

Their hug lasted a good ten seconds and Adam finally retreated, Dan ruffling his brown hair in an annoying big-brotherly way. The resemblance between them was astounding, their hair almost exactly the same shade of brown and their posture very similar, with their faces even moving the same way when they spoke. If it hadn’t been for the eight or so years between them, I’d say they could almost pass as twins.

Dan took Adam's suitcase and wheeled it towards the car, opening the boot and lifting it in. Meanwhile, he told Adam to get in, so it wasn't long before the back door was opening for him to climb in.

“Hi Adam,” I said, turning around in my seat to speak to him, “How’re you doing?”

“Alright, I guess; could be better but I'll cope,” he replied, “Everything is just so difficult at the moment, trying to deal with what I'm feeling through my soulmate bond.”

“Aww, I feel for you, buddy,” I told him, “Although being one of the coolest, the telepathic ones are rarely all plain sailing.”

During our brief conversation, Dan had shut the boot and was now getting into the back seat next to Adam, “Right let's get going.”

“Are we just heading to you guys’ flat?” Adam asked.

“Yup,” Dan replied, “We thought it was best to let you get settled, we'll leave the going out until tomorrow.”

Back at the flat, Dan showed Adam to the guest room, Adam towing the wheely case behind him. I held back, taking a while to shut the front door as I didn't quite feel close enough to Adam to follow them into​ what was now his room for the next week.

I laid my keys down, took my coat off and sat in the living room, waiting for Dan to come back through. It was about five minutes before he appeared, but I got that he probably needed some time to speak to his brother in private.

“Hey,” he said, settling next to me on the sofa, “I'm giving him some alone time for... say half an hour. I asked him how the situation is with his soulmate. He's been really sad, miserable and depressed for the last week or so and Adam’s pretty sure he’s self harming now too. As you can imagine, Adam’s been feeling a bit down and he’s been in public for so many hours that I think he needs to be alone for a bit.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “I can see why he needs time to himself, to get his thoughts in order. I can’t even imagine how it would be to deal with all that. Like I know all about feeling the need to help my soulmate and not being able to, but it’s on a whole ‘nother level for him.”

“Hmm,” Dan nodded, “I’m sorry if I made things difficult for you.”

“It’s fine,” I told him, hugging him, “It’s not your fault; mental health isn’t something you have much control of.”

“I wish I did,” Dan mumbled, “Like taking these antidepressants for my anxiety is helping a lot, maybe in more ways than one, but I’m still not right. Like I’m still having panic attacks, or whatever the fuck that was the other night and I don’t know how to help it. I hate not having control and I know the doctors are doing their best, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough.”

“I think you should organise another appointment with your mental health therapist soon,” I suggested, gently intertwining my fingers with his, “You’ve said before that it’s helped, right?”

“Yeah, I think I will,” Dan said, “I’ll probably wait until after Adam’s gone home, because we’re probably already dragging him to the doctors once this week because you have your appointment on Friday.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “Yeah, we need to let him enjoy his stay here, but get it booked, okay.”

Dan nodded, probably adding it to a mental list of things he needed to do. I let myself cuddle with him, knowing that we weren't going to get much cuddling time as we were planning to avoid shoving our relationship in Adam's face.

“I hope Adam finds him soon,” I mumbled after a while, getting back onto the subject of Adam’s soulmate.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “It’s not nice seeing him in so much pain and distress. I wish there was more we could do to help.”

Around half an hour after he'd left Adam, Dan went back to check on him and see how he was doing. He was only away for five minutes, this time returning with Adam, an arm slung around him protectively.

Taking in the slight redness around his eyes and the way he sniffed loudly, I could tell he'd been crying a bit. I guess Dan had dragged him out of there for a change of scenery and some company to distract him.

Dan sat down with him on the other sofa, talking to him in a such a soft tone that I would need to be closer to hear it. Taking account of his runny nose and damp eyes, I got up to get some tissues. I could see that Dan was doing his best to comfort him emotionally, but he’d maybe forgotten about the physical side of things.

In mine and Dan's bathroom cupboard, I found a box of tissues. Maybe it seemed a bit overkill to take him the whole box, but I could sense that it wouldn't be the only time we'd need them. I took them through to Adam, opening the box as I went and having a tissue ready to pass to him when I got there. Adam sniffed a 'thanks’ and I laid the box of tissues on the couch next to him, in case he were to need another.

“Phil, you know those amazing hot chocolates you make?” Dan asked suggestively, nodding at Adam while he blew his nose.

“Sure thing,” I responded, getting the jist, that he thought Adam could do with one.

I got up and made my way to the kitchen, where I made a hot chocolate while subtly watching Dan and Adam through the doorway.

I could hear snippets of their conversation and it sounded like Dan was trying to be a comforting big brother, “It sounds like he’s being kept an eye on, yeah? His parents don’t know about you yet, so they have no reason to do anything radical yet.”

“Yeah, but he feels really really sick of hiding it and he's depressed because he knows they'll disown him when they find out,” Adam responded.

“Let’s hope you’ll meet him before then,” Dan said positively, “We’re going to go out tomorrow, get you out and about amongst people and see if anything happens. There’s no saying he lives near to us, but you’re destined to meet him pretty soon, so it’s more possible than not.”

“Can’t we go out today?” Adam asked, “Like I just want to get a feel for my surroundings.”

“There’s not a lot left of today, but sure, if that’s what you feel like,” Dan replied, “Phil’s making you a hot chocolate, but after you’ve drunk that, we can go for a little walk around town.”

Once I’d given it it’s final stir, I carried the hot chocolate into the living room and across to Adam, who was now sitting up and looking a little bit less miserable. I passed him the drink and retreated to the other sofa.

As Adam slowly sipped at the hot chocolate, Dan mentioned to me how he and Adam were going to go for a walk and did I want to join them? I said that I would, feeling like I would enjoy some fresh air and it would be an opportunity to get to know Adam a little better.

There was a small smile on Adam’s face by the time he’d finished the hot chocolate, which was a positive sign. He laid the cup down on the table and looked over at me, “That was great, Phil. Thank you.”

“S’no problem,” I replied, with a light hearted laugh, “Glad it helped.”

The three of us left the living room to get ready for our walk. Dan seemed to disappear into Adam’s room with him for a bit, so after I visited the bathroom and put my own coat on, I got Dan’s coat and shoes out for him. I double checked that he had his emergency anxiety medicine in his pocket and grabbed a bottle of water to take with us.

Before long, we were all ready to go. Dan had been talking to Adam while he put his shoes on, I guess being a further distraction against what was going on in his head. We locked up, made our way down the stairs, and into the outside world.

My subconscious had my hand trying to find Dan’s, but the second my hand touched his, he batted me away.

“Sorry,” he said, leaning over to mumble in my ear, “Remember we’re not shoving what we have in his face.”

Mentally face-palming myself, I let my hand drop back to my side and then slipped it into my pocket. Dan flashed me another apologetic look and reluctantly put his own hands in his pockets too.

“We should walk to your restaurant and back,” Dan suggested, “That way, Adam can see where you work and we’ll get to show him most of town on the way.”

“Good idea,” I agreed, turning right out of the gate and leading the way.

Conveniently, the pavement was wide enough to accommodate the three of us across it, so we walked in a line, Dan, then Adam, then me.

For heading there, I decided that I would avoid my usual shortcuts and we’d take the main roads to help Adam to get a better understanding of the area. We could take the shortcut on the way back if we wanted.

As we walked along the main street, Dan pointed out a few of the best shops, the road that led down to the park and a number of other things. I got the odd word in now and then, but Dan was doing a pretty good job as tour guide so I left him to it. I probably still knew the area in general better than him, so I'd probably be taking the lead on the way back if we took the shortcut.

We stopped in the restaurant car park for five minutes before we headed back. We told Adam that this was where I worked, and Dan added in that if was also where we met.

I noticed Adam eyeing up the menu on the wall and studying it in close detail, “The food sounds pretty good; will I get to try it?”

Seeing Dan's hesitant glance at me, I replied, “I don't know… Dan has been in here since we met, but it doesn't hold the best memories for him. We’ll think about it.”

Dan shot me a thankful look but I could see that he was losing focus on the conversation.

“Ahh yeah… Let's not if it'll make Dan uncomfortable,” Adam said, also looking at Dan concernedly, as he didn't react to his name being said.

“Dan,” I said firmly, placing a hand on his back, “Earth calling, you in there?”

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, slightly dazed, “I'm fine.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, hoping he might explain where his thoughts had been.

“Just kinda remembered some of what happened that night,” he explained, “Don't really want to talk about it.”

Respecting his decision, I rubbed my hand up and down his back a couple of times before dropping it back to my side, “Right, let's head home. I know a shortcut that's a little quicker.”

As we walked, Dan was almost silent and it seemed to be me doing most of the taking. Something didn't seem right, and I knew that just seeing the restaurant wouldn't have provoked that reaction by itself.

When we stopped at a pedestrian light, I got the chance to mumble something to Dan, “I know you're not wanting to, but please just take my hand if you need to, yeah?”

Dan nodded, but kept his hands in his pockets. As we passed a cafe that I didn't really know, Dan seemed to glance inside out of curiosity. I guess he didn't really know this part of town. It was after that I noticed Dan slowing down and breathing very deeply. I could feel the panic radiating off of him, but I had no idea what had triggered it.

“Dan, d'you want to stop for a minute?” I asked, bringing my arm around him.

“No, need to keep going,” he said, walking a little faster.

I slightly ignored Adam in trying to figure out what was up with Dan, but he was still keeping up, walking next to me but not saying anything.

Dan slowed down again after a minute, this time more than accepting of the arm around him. He was still breathing too quickly and looking a little flustered, but he didn't seem to be having a full on panic attack.

I pulled him into a half hug, forcing him to stop walking. I laid my hand on his chest and felt as he attempted to take big slow breaths.

“What's wrong?” I asked him, using my soft, caring voice and keeping an arm around him to make sure he felt safe.

“N-nora works in that cafe back there and I saw her through the window,” Dan spluttered.

“Okay,” I nodded, now understanding the situation, “You're safe, she's not going to get you. You're doing well, just keep up your breathing.”

Dan nodded into my side, focusing back on his breathing again. I could feel that he was a bit shaky, but it was nothing compared to some of his panic attacks.

“D'you want to take your medicine or d’you think you're okay?” I asked him.

“I don't know,” he groaned.

Seeing that he wasn't jumping at the chance to take it, it couldn't be too bad. I agreed with that from what I could see from his physical symptoms.

“Okay, I don't think you need to, but let me know if you do,” I told him, “We're only about ten minutes away from home now; you good to keep going?”

“Yeah, I just want to be home now,” Dan said, as we started to walk again, “Also could I have that water? My throat’s really dry.”

I handed Dan the bottle of water I had brought, which he accepted like a panting dog, readily downing some of it to quench his thirst.

Adam hadn't said much during the whole exchange, but now he spoke up, “Just wondering what's for dinner?”

“Lentil and tomato pasta, and I think we have garlic bread if you want,” I told him, the meal having been carefully chosen to suit a lactose intolerant, a recovering anorexic and a fussy fifteen year old.

I knew that I wouldn't​ be able to have the garlic bread thanks to it having garlic butter and Dan probably wouldn't eat it, so it seemed only sensible to offer it to Adam.

“Sounds good,” he mused, “I’m starting to get hungry.”

“Well that’s okay, I’m going to start making it when we get in,” I told him, “You won’t have to wait too long.”

Once we were home, I had a couple of minutes in private with Dan. From what I had seen, he had pretty much recovered from his mild anxiety spell, but I wanted to make sure that he was okay emotionally, as well as just on the surface. Dan assured me that he was feeling better, grabbed a blanket and headed off to the living room to be with Adam whilst I cooked.

Soon enough, I had a vat of pasta sauce on one burner and a pot of pasta gently simmering on another. Adam and Dan were having an in-depth conversation about video games in the living room. I was glad to see them talking about their shared interests rather than just their problems. Adam particularly needed something to get his mind off what was going on; clearly he’d still see and feel it in his head, but if the focus was shared with something else, he wouldn’t feel the pain quite as strong.

Filling a glass of water for Dan and making a glass of ribena for myself, I called out to ask Adam what he would like, “Adam, what d’you want to drink?”

“What’ve you got?” he asked, directing the question more at Dan as he was closer.

“Apple juice, orange juice, ribena, milk, wat…” Dan listed.

“Milk would be good, thanks,” Adam replied loudly, cutting off Dan’s list.

I felt a pang in my heart at the mention of milk. I tried not to feel sad about it, but every time it crossed my mind that I couldn’t have milk anymore, I thought about the full extent of the things that I wouldn’t be able to eat.

“Sure,” I replied, my voice cracking slightly as I replied.

I hid myself by opening the fridge, hoping that Dan hadn’t noticed the falter in my emotional stability. I needed to be the strong one here; I couldn’t let something so small get me down.

“I’ll come and help,” Dan called out, the sound of the sofa moving as he got up filtering through to my ears.

I heard Dan’s footsteps as he walked into the kitchen, then felt his presence as he came up behind me and pressed his body gently up against mine.

“Phil,” he murmured softly, “It's okay. I wish you didn't have to deal with this, but things'll improve after this week, yeah.”

I could feel myself slowly starting to lose my control, so I hid my face in my hands and turned towards Dan, resting my head against his shoulder.

“D'you want to go to our room and take a couple of minutes to get yourself sorted out?” Dan asked, “I'll take care of serving the food and I'll come and get you once it's out.”

I nodded, waiting for Dan to let me free from his embrace. As I turned to go, Dan stopped me and pressed a small kiss to my forehead, “Breathe slowly, try and keep yourself calm. It works the same way.”

I left Dan and the warmth of the kitchen and made my way to our room, feeling tears pricking in the corners of my eyes. I took a couple of deep breaths, following Dan's advice to try and sort myself out.

Dan's POV:

I’d encouraged Phil to head to our room to try and calm down, but the second he'd gone, I wondered if that had been the right thing to do.

On one hand, I felt like he needed to be alone, but on the other, I felt like I should be comforting him. Not being able to decide, I thought I'd give him a bit of both. I'd get the dinner served and then go and see how he was doing. Adam could get tucked into his food and if Phil needed time, then I'd give him it.

I poured a glass of milk for Adam and placed it next to the other two glasses that Phil had filled. I carried the three of them through and placed them on the dining table.

Adam looked up when I entered the room, “Is something up with Phil?”

Realising that Adam must've seen or heard some of our exchange, I thought I'd better explain, “He got diagnosed as being lactose intolerant the other day and he's struggling to come to terms with it.”

“That's a milk allergy, right?” Adam asked.

“Kind of,” I started, heading back to the kitchen to serve the pasta, but talking meanwhile, “Lactose is a sugar in milk, rather than just milk in general. And it's not like a sneezing, rash, can't breathe kind of reaction. It gives him a really sore stomach and sometimes makes him a bit unwell.”

Once I'd finished explaining, I brought through the three plates of food and laid them on the table.

“Adam, you get started,” I told him, “I'm going to get Phil and I don't know how long we'll be.”

I made my way to mine and Phil's room and gently pushed the door open, “Phil?”

Phil wasn't in the bedroom, but I could hear some water running in our bathroom. The bathroom door was wide open, so I poked my head around to find Phil washing his face.

Noticing the slightly red-rimmed eyes he was splashing water on, I approached him, resting a hand on his back, “Phil, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, his voice sounding a little rough.

“You've been crying,” I stated, letting him know that I knew, “You sure you're okay?”

Phil was usually fairly strong emotionally and I knew he didn't let down the strong façade that easily, but I had to do what I could to help him when I knew he was feeling down. Phil squeezed his eyes shut and I could see a couple of droplets fall from his eyes and run down his already wet cheeks. I pulled him into a hug, trying to give him the support he needed. Phil cried quietly into my chest for a minute, before a violent sob erupted from him.

“Hey, it's okay,” I murmured, attempting to be comforting as he unleashed a second sob.

With Phil now sobbing loudly, he was talking massive gulps of air in between and I could tell it wasn't helping him. Okay, he wasn't having a panic attack, but getting control of your breathing generally helps to control crying, whatever the situation.

I walked Phil back into our room and sat with him on the edge of the bed. I did what he'd done for me so many times and encouraged him to breathe with me, making sure it was nice and controlled.

I continued to rub my hand slowly up and down his back and I occasionally lifted my other hand to his face to wipe some of the tears away.

Eventually, Phil reached a calm enough state to get a couple of words out, “Sorry, I kinda lost control.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, “Honestly… We're all going through difficult times and you have the right to cry as much as you need to. Obviously, it would be easier if you didn't, but I'm here for you. Just speak up if you need some support, okay.”

Phil nodded and rubbed his eyes, sniffing a little bit. I handed him a tissue and put my arm around him as he blew his nose, “You ready to go and get dinner now?”

I knew I'd been trying to avoid much PDA around Adam, but I put my arm around Phil as we walked out of our room and along to our dining table. I only dropped it back to my side when we had to split to sit down.

At first, we ate in near silence, but as we all started to get our energy back, we became more talkative. Phil was back to his usual self by the time we were finished, cheerily heading off to do the dishes.

--

We watched a couple of films in the evening, something that didn’t require much effort from any of us. It had all been going well and we were halfway through our second film when I noticed Adam was acting oddly. His attention was elsewhere and he was biting his lip, his right hand firmly clamped around his left wrist. It only took me a couple of seconds to figure out what was happening, thanks to what he’d told me earlier about his soulmate self-harming.

“Just going to the bathroom,” Adam choked out, instantly getting up on having made eye-contact with me.

“Adam,” I called out to him as he hurried out of the room, “Hold on.”

I ran to catch up with him, but only made it to the bathroom door as he locked it in front of me.

“Adam, please open up,” I begged, “I know I can’t really help, but I know what’s going on and I’d rather you had some company.”

Thankfully, it didn’t take much persuasion to have him open the door and when I saw his emotional state I realised why it had been so easy. He was full on crying, tears pouring down his face as he ran his wrist under the cold tap.

“I… I went to a soulmate therapist… a couple of days ago… and she says there’s no way I can stop the pain,” Adam choked out, “I… I need to be s-strong and deal with it… m-making it cold helps a l-little.”

I grabbed the hand towel from the rail, turned off the tap and gently rubbed Adam’s wrist dry, “Come with me; we’ve got an ice pack in the freezer.”

Adam cradled his arm to his chest as we walked to the kitchen, a stream of tears still flowing down his face. I quickly opened the freezer and found the ice pack. I prised his arm away from his chest and brought the ice pack slowly down onto his wrist. I took the towel and wrapped it around to keep the cold in.

“You can sit with that on it,” I told him, still holding the towel and the ice pack on for him.

“Dan, do you need me to do anything?” Phil asked, sticking his head into the kitchen.

“Uhh… I don’t think so?” I said hesitantly, not sure if there was anything he could do to help.

“How about a cup of tea for Adam?” he suggested, looking between us.

“D’you want that?” I prompted Adam.

“Yeah,” he nodded timidly, rubbing some tears off his face.

“D’you want to go back to the living room or to bed?” I asked him, wanting to know where I should take him.

“Bed,” he said wearily.

“Phil, bring the tea through to his room when you’ve made it,” I called out to Phil as I made my way there with Adam.

Holding the towel and ice pack for himself now, Adam pushed the duvet back, climbed up onto the bed and wrapped it around himself like a cape. I perched next to him on the bed, placing a hand on the duvet that covered his back, “Is it still hurting a lot?”

Nodding, Adam replied, “Yeah, and it’s hurting me to think about him doing that too.”

“I know the feeling,” said Phil as he walked into the room sporting a mug of tea, “This guy here used to worry me a hell of a lot by throwing up every meal he ate. It hurt a lot that I couldn't help, but there's not much you can do to make it easier.”

Phil handed Adam the tea, patting him on the shoulder, “You’re doing great.”

“But at least you didn't actually feel sick every time,” Adam retaliated, “I'm currently getting like all his pain and depressed thoughts and everything.”

“I did sometimes, like when it was particularly bad I would worry so much that I felt sick myself,” Phil explained, “I kinda get where you’re coming from. Did you go and see a soulmate therapist in the end?”

“I’ve been once and she wasn’t that helpful,” Adam explained, “She said that there wasn’t really anything I could do to stop the pain. Painkillers won’t help at all ‘cause the pain’s on his side and not mine. The ice kinda helps because it’s so cold it numbs it. She told me that there’s not an awful lot she can help me with, that it's really my soulmate that needs the help. She said that she might try prescribing me antidepressants but they might not make a difference, depending on how many of the depressed thoughts are mine and how many are his - she really needs to treat both of us together, or have him see someone that she can make contact with.”

“When will you be going back?” I asked, “Like to hear if she’s going to prescribe you them.”

“We’re giving it ten days, so just after I get back home,” Adam told us, “I need to keep note of my thoughts and feelings and why I’m feeling them. That’s going to help her see where all my feelings come from. I’m scared though; I’ve never been on a prescription medication of any kind and I’ve heard that antidepressants can make you have suicidal tendencies. There’s no hope for me and him if we both head down that path…”

Adam started to cry a bit harder with what he was saying. I brought my arm around him and Phil sat down at his other side to hold onto his cup of tea before he spilt it all over himself.

“It’s antidepressants that I take for my anxiety,” I told Adam, “I haven’t had much problem with them. I know it varies from one case to another, but genetically, we’re pretty similar.”

“Were you scared to take them?” he asked, shaking a little.

“Not really,” I told him, “I was pretty desperate for something to help with the panic attacks and constant anxiety I was experiencing and I’d been putting my body through all kinds of abuse anyway, so adding another pill into the mix wasn’t going to be much different.”

“Anyway, taking them doesn’t bother me,” I added, “I wouldn’t be worried about it. I’m sure mum’ll keep a close eye on you if you’re worried about anything. Just let her know how you feel, yeah. I can’t help as much as I’d like to from up here.”

“Are they just like normal pills?” he asked, “They’re not like giant or anything?”

“I’d say they’re pretty normal,” I told him, “I’ll let you see tomorrow morning when I take them.”

“Thanks,” Adam mumbled, falling into a silence and sipping on the tea.

I stayed with him as he finished the tea, although the conversation had pretty much run out. Adam was still crying, so Phil left at one point to get him tissues, but overall, we had the situation under control.

When the mug was empty, I laid it to the side, to take away with me when I left. His hands now free, Adam pulled the duvet a little closer around him.

“I think I’m just gonna take my jeans off and get some sleep now,” Adam mumbled.

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” I said, “D’you need any extra blankets or are you good?”

“I think I’m good,” he replied.

“Kay, goodnight then,” I said, “Come and find Phil or me if you need anything; also don’t hesitate to wake me up if anything happens in the night; if you need someone to talk to, I’ll only be next door.”

Taking the mug with me, I left the room, shutting the door behind me to let Adam get ready for bed. Phil was waiting outside for me, and joined me as I walked to the kitchen.

“Shall we just head to bed too?” Phil asked, as I put the mug in the dishwasher.

“Yeah,” I agreed, “I’m pretty tired…”

I made sure that the TV and all the lights were turned off, and Phil went to check the door was locked. We’d developed our own little routine in terms of the small insignificant jobs we had to do before we settled down for the night. On my way to mine and Phil’s bedroom, I quietly poked my head into the guest room to see if Adam was asleep. Eyes shut, snoring gently, curled up tightly and clutching onto the duvet, he was definitely sleeping. I felt a little relief, knowing that he was getting some rest; I’d been concerned that with everything going in his head, he wouldn’t get to sleep that easily, but then, he had had a long day.

I met Phil in our bedroom, where I didn’t hesitate in removing my clothes until I was just in my underwear. Phil did the same, but he kept going until he was completely naked and headed for the bathroom.

“You not coming for a shower?” he asked, as he realised that I was still sitting on our bed.

“I’m tired and I’m feeling a bit stressed and I really just want to sleep,” I explained, “You go ahead, I’ll probably shower in the morning.”

“I’ll let you go to the bathroom and brush your teeth first then,” Phil said, momentarily pausing to put his underwear back on.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, getting up and walking past him into the bathroom.

Phil kept me company as I cleaned my teeth. Something was bugging me about him being there; I think I just needed a little time to myself, but I’d feel bad to push him away. It felt like there was an elastic band in my back which had gradually been pulled tighter, and something told me that it wouldn’t be long before it snapped.

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asked me as I got into bed, “You’re really quiet, d’you want to talk about why you’re stressed?”

I shook my head, hoping he would get the message and just bugger off for his shower. Instead, he sat cross-legged on the bed next to me and looked down with what I felt was an aura of concern.

“Phil, I’m fine,” I groaned, “Just go for your shower.”

“Dan, you’re not fine,” he said softly, bringing his hands to rest on my back and starting to rub it, “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“NO,” I snapped harshly, feeling that the elastic band had finally snapped, the pot of stress that had been brewing inside of me, boiled over. I pushed Phil off, “Just leave me alone, okay.”

Feeling the tears welling in my eyes, I ignored Phil and curled up in a ball, crying into the mattress. He seemed to stay for a minute or two, but eventually I felt the bed move a little as he stood up and I heard him walking into the bathroom. Finally.

What I wasn’t expecting, but maybe I should have, was for Phil to come back. The footsteps returned and the mattress sank again as Phil sat down, “Dan, I’ve brought your medicine if you want to take it.”

“I’m not having a fucking panic attack,” I growled, my voice coming out slightly angry but mainly just sad.

“They might help,” Phil said, not appearing fazed by my outburst, “If you change your mind, I’ll keep it here.”

Phil went quiet for a bit, finally giving me some of the peace I needed.

Phil’s POV:

I quietly considered what else I could do to help Dan. He was completely freaking out any time I tried to get too near him. It wasn’t a normal panic attack, but he was showing some of the same symptoms. He was crying, he was trembling a little and I didn’t know what was going on in his head.

I knew he wanted space, but I didn’t really want to leave him alone like this. I did what seemed like the best option in this situation and decided to sit it out. It might take a while, but I knew he come around eventually. I sat close to him, but not too close and made sure that my body language was open and welcoming for him.

It hurt me to sit by his side and do nothing as he sniffled and cried, but it was rewarding, when, after about ten minutes, he shuffled the small distance between us and finally allowed me to hug him.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he nuzzled his face into my stomach.

“It's okay,” I told him, wrapping my arms securely around him and holding him there, “It's over now, you're okay.”

Dan's tears and snot started to make my stomach a little sticky, but I was still planning a shower so it didn't matter in the slightest. Dan had said he'd shower in the morning, but he now seemed cold and sweaty so I thought I'd double check that.

“You sure you don’t want to shower?” I asked him, “No offence but you're a bit sweaty.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded, “Sorry, but I don't have the energy so you're gonna have to deal with me being a bit sticky for tonight.”

“I'm still going to have a shower, but I'll stay 'til you're asleep,” I told Dan, “D'you want some water to some tea or anything?”

“I’m good,” Dan replied, “Sleep’s all I want right now.”

Dan had to leave my embrace while I sorted out the duvet. I brought it around his curled up form and tucked the edge in underneath him. I left my side loose, ready for me to join him after I'd had my shower.

I sat cross-legged on top of the duvet, while Dan lay underneath it beside me. His tears having dried up, he now looked exhausted, his eyes reddened and half shut already.

I brought a hand to rest on top of his duvet-shrouded form, not wanting to get so caught up that I'd be unable to leave for my shower when the time came.

“Can you just talk at me for a bit?” Dan asked, “That'll help me get to sleep.”

“Sure thing,” I responded, picking out the first thing I could think of and going on what became a slightly nonsensical ramble on the topic.

I stopped blabbing on about houseplants just after I noticed that Dan was asleep. I'd kept going a little for a little while and then slowly got quieter, in case the abrupt arrival of a silence could awaken him.

I felt a pang in my heart at leaving him alone, but I was determined to have a shower. I quickly shed my boxers and hopped under the flow of water before it had even warmed up.

I kept my shower quick, as once I was in it, the tiredness hit me and I was now longing for bed. I brushed my teeth and eventually found some pyjamas in the darkness of our room. The first pair I had attempted to get on turned out to be Dan's as they were a bit too small. I knew I could've given up my search and slept naked but I felt a bit exposed that way. We had a guest in the house and then there's always that risk that the fire alarm goes off. I might've seemed a bit paranoid, but there was no harm in being careful.

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