#i don’t expect ALL my posts to be bangers of course but sometimes I wonder

[justapalspal]

On the topic of wanting to share my art though. Am I just making hella niche things for me and my dedicated interaction group whom I love and cherish or are the vast majority of strangers just not interacting with posts anymore. Or is my art not as popular as it once was because of my repeated art blog absences. Or is ygo just not as popular as it was when I first started using my art blog. Or am I doing something wrong with my stuff. Or

[firemblem-fics]

Running With the Wolves [1]

preview | >>

-> Yuri Leclarc x Fem!Reader

-> Modern!Au | Gang!Au | Enemies to Lovers

-> Word Count: ~3.3k

-> Warnings: Violence, Blood, Cursing, Weapons

-> Summary: You were just a normal college student, trying to find her way in a new place. You didn’t mean to get caught up in the wrong crowd. You just wanted coffee, but now you’re running with the wolves.

-> A/N: SURPRISE I POSTED IT EARLY ! thanks to my lovely beta readers for helping me revise and edit this chapter to make it better! i’m still in a writing mental block but i think this is one step closer to getting out of it! so, please enjoy (again)! also, all characters are aged up (21+)! also y’all should reblog this so it gets out more 🥺

send me an ask if you’d like to be on the taglist!

"Fuck- She's losing too much blood, Boss, she's not gonna make it!"

"No, no. She's going to make it- I'll make sure of it. Stay alive!"

Your vision was dark and blurry- you couldn't quite see anything. You could only make out a few silhouettes hovering above you, each one rushing around and yelling frantically. You couldn't count how many were there. Your vision kept doubling and it was hard to discern one person from three. Focusing just caused things to get worse.

"Someone put pressure on the damn wound! She certainly won't make it if you all keep messing around."

It was only now that you noticed a sharp pain radiating from your chest, right below your ribs. You gasped loudly and coughed. It hurt worse than the throbbing that already coursed through your head. Your body burned.

Trying to look down, you saw a rag soaked in blood. Hands with bright nails pressed down on your wound to slow the flow, but it didn't seem to be helping. You started feeling dizzy and laid back again, clenching your eyes tight as nausea engulfed you.

"No, keep your eyes open, Y/N, dammit! Wake up!"

Slowly, the pain began fading, as did your view of the people above you and their voices. You could still barely hear the voice crying, sobbing out your name. Whoever they were, they were crushed.

"Wake up!"

Was that voice finally fading away too?

"Wake up!"

No- it was getting louder.

"Wake up!"

"Ellie, what the fuck do you want?" You groaned, rolling over on your bed.

Your roommate bounced on her knees, making your bed creak loudly. "What do you mean? It's like 10am, your class is at 11. Don’t talk to me with that tone of voice."

"Fuck me."

"Absolutely not, baby." Ellie smacked a pillow beside you and got up. "Get ready!" She went to her own room, leaving you to your own devices.

When you applied for an apartment roommate, Ellie was certainly not the one you were expecting. You would've preferred a chill, laid-back, person. Instead, Eleonora Yumizuru walked into your life (and apartment) and practically made herself at home. She didn't judge you from transferring so far away from your old home for your last year of college, claiming that "home roots don't mean shit when it comes to making it in the real world".

She had the right to say such a thing, having moved to Fodlan from another country in her youth. She was able to understand the occasional homesickness and help you cope as you adjusted to Fodlan life. She understood you like the back of her hand from the moment you met and you did the same for her.

Really, you had to let her move in. She’d probably have stayed even if you rejected her.

She was the complete opposite of what you were looking for- overconfident, stubborn, loud- but she grew on you and easily became your best friend. There was just something about the bubbly, blue-eyed, blonde-bobbed bitch that hooked you.

She had certainly hooked other people as well, but thank God her bedroom is on the other side of the apartment. Her social skills and magnetic personality worked for platonic friends and acquaintances as well. Ellie was constantly bringing over friends, allowing you to expand your own circle. She was heaven-sent for a newbie like you.

You sat up from your bed, yawning and stretching. Trudging to your bathroom, you rolled your eyes as the infamous Taylor Swift blared through Ellie's speakers, "Shake it Off" shaking the entire apartment. Nothing against T. Swift, but sometimes she was not the first thing you want to hear when you wake up. At least not at max volume. Ignoring the song switching to "You Belong With Me" -another banger from Swift herself, but really "Teardrops on My Guitar” was your favorite- you finished getting ready and lazed into Ellie's room.

"I've got class 'till late today." You sat on her bed. "Do you want me to pick up dinner? It’ll let me explore the area."

"Oh, please do. You need to get out more. But where?"

You shrugged. "There's really only like two good food places here. Golden Pizza and Blue Lion Buffet. Your choice."

Ellie thought for a moment. "I went to the buffet with my little friend Touma the other day... so pizza! I just can't choose a side in their little spat."

"Spat?" You tilted your head.

"Goodness, Y/N! I know you're a little new here, but you haven't even heard of the shit that goes on between those restaurant owners?"

Shaking your head, you stayed silent for her to continue.

"The owners of Blue Lion Buffet, Eagle's Freezery, and Golden Pizza are all huge rivals. I heard they were all close, but went their separate ways. All the owners' kids are our age, too. They go to Fodlan Uni, but I don't know who they are." She smiled. "I am an esteemed woman with an upcoming high status. Who would I be to take sides? I prefer to cater to them all."

You could only nod, hiding a smirk at Ellie’s infatuation of fame. A huge restaurant rivalry. How funny. "What about that little cafe on the corner? What's it called? Café des Loups?"

"They're pretty neutral, just some college dropouts trying to make some money. I think they’re gonna get involved eventually- every restaurant’s been dragged into their drama at least once."

You nodded, standing up and messing with your apartment keys. "I'll keep that in mind. Bye, Ellie!"

"Bye! I better see some pizza later!" She called as you made your way out of the apartment, now playing "I Knew You Were Trouble".

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

College was honestly a scam.

You sat in the classes for two hours at a time, for what? You were paying thousands of dollars to be talked at by old dusty men who made you fall asleep faster than trying to read their overpriced textbooks. You paid thousands to nap at a desk.

Unfortunately for you, though, your thousand dollar desk nap was interrupted by a tapping on the surface. You huffed and looked up, coming face to face with a pair of soft, orange eyes. They radiated kindness and just looking into them seemed to lift your mood immediately.

"Hey, you need to wake up for this part. The professor said there's gonna be a quiz on this section tomorrow."

You shot up, looking back at your professor. Blushing embarrassedly, you smiled at the boy. "Thank you..."

"Ferdinand." He drew his bottom lip in between his teeth, as if to conceal his smile, before giving up and returning yours just as brightly.

As you faced forward to Professor Hanneman, as you were pretty sure his name was- or was it Ham Man? You didn’t care enough to know- you were now struggling with two distractions. One, the weight of your eyelids as they threatened to pull you back into dreamland. Two, Ferdinand.

You kept glancing at him, taking in his complexion. He must have come to class late, since you didn't see him before. Or maybe he was on time- you did fall asleep quite early into the lecture.

You were eyeing his carefully sculpted jawline, dotted with subtle stubble that connected to sideburns and led up to clean, silky, orange hair. You wished to run your fingers through it-

"Y/N, this is the second time I've seen you not paying attention." You jumped nearly three feet in the air. "Next time, I'll have to ask you to leave my class since you are obviously taking it as a joke."

"I-I'm not joking! Sorry!" You stuttered, finally finding a reason to keep your attention on the lecture. You did look away once, just to glare at Ferdinand, who only winked and chuckled at your misfortune.

Class was eventually over and you sighed, finally loosening up from forcing yourself to pay attention. You packed your notebook and laptop and swung your backpack on, getting ready to leave the room before a voice called to you.

You turned back. "Ferdinand?"

"I was simply wondering where your next class was. I can walk you to it, if you'd like." Said boy walked quickly towards you, holding himself with a nearly-perfect posture. You felt anxious- he was trying to make himself seem like a gentleman, but you still felt a little unnerved.

"Oh, um, sure! It's not for another fifteen minutes, but it is across campus."

Ferdinand's grin seemed to get larger, making his eyes crinkle at the edges. "How wonderful! That little café is down there and I've been meaning to check it out anyways. It works out perfectly."

"Uh, yeah." You laughed nervously. This was the first time a boy had taken interest in you- or was he really interested? Maybe he's just being nice-

"Also, before I forget. May I get your number? I'd like to talk to such a gorgeous woman like you a little more."

Oh, he was so interested. You had to make yourself breathe again as you handed him your phone to let him put his number in. He gave it back to you and you noticed a heart and a smiley face emoticon next to his contact name. Your heart fluttered at the sight of the emojis and you felt your cheeks heat up a bit. Ferdinand gave you a sweet smile before holding the door open for you, letting you lead the way to your next class.

On the way to the building, Ferdinand spent the time asking you questions and getting to know you better. He had scratched basically the entire surface of you, save for the secrets that new people shouldn't know, and the same could be said for you. Ferdinand was definitely a polished and refined man. He made quite the impression on you.

"What are you doing after classes?" You asked, hoping to invite him for pizza at your apartment.

"Ah, I've got work!" He smiled sheepishly. He definitely caught onto your hopes...

"Really? Where? Maybe after, you could stop by for some Golden Pizza-"

"Actually, I work at the Eagles Freezery." He was tense, suddenly. "So I really shouldn't. Rivalry and all of that, you know?"

You were a little confused, actually. "Why would that prevent you from hanging out for a bit? You didn't buy it, I did. Plus I thought the rivalry was only between the buffet and the pizza place?”

"It's- it's a loyalty thing. It’s between all three of us.”

"It's a restaurant. How loyal could you possibly be to a dumb little ice cream parlor-"

"It's more than that!" Ferdinand snapped his mouth closed, suddenly making himself quiet after his angry outburst. "Listen, I cannot and will not eat there, look at it, talk about it, or do literally anything about it. Please, just understand that."

"Uh, yeah." You nervously readjusted your backpack on your shoulder. "I- I should get to class now. I'll see you later, Ferdinand."

"Goodbye, I'll message you after work!" With that, he sent you a wink and a smile and turned, going about his own day with the most carefree pep in his step. As if nothing ever happened. You, on the other hand, could not have been more confused. Ferdinand seemed unpredictable when it came to his moods. He was comforting and kind, yet was so… upset when you insulted the parlor. It was a restaurant. Why did he get so worked up about it? Maybe Ellie was right about it being such a big deal.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“I just ordered! Go, go, I’m starving!”

Not even five minutes after you got out of your last class, Ellie was calling to remind you about dinner. You were still slightly unnerved from your encounter with Ferdinand, but you agreed to pick it up and would never hear the end of it if you didn’t do something as simple as takeout.

Golden Pizza was only about two blocks away and you stayed on the phone with your roommate the entire time, only saying goodbye as you walked in the establishment. The restaurant was very nice, the honey yellow walls and the glow of the wood-fired oven making the ambience warm and welcoming. You didn’t wait long in the line, soon coming up to meet a boy about your age with a glimmering emerald gaze and a smile just as bright at the front counter.

“Hi!” The boy- Claude, according to his nametag- greeted, “How can I help you?”

“I’m just picking up an order for Eleonora Yumizuru.”

Claude nodded and typed a few things into a computer at the counter. “I know Ellie! She and I had Stats together before she dropped out to pursue her acting career. She’s certainly something.”

“Oh, definitely. I’m her roommate.” Speaking of the devil, your phone vibrated in your pocket. It was a message from her. “She actually just messaged me. Wants me to bring her a dumb little lemonade from that cafe.”

Claude laughed, “You can go and get it now, if you’d like. Your pizza will be a few more minutes. Ellie set the time for your pickup for later, so you’re actually ten minutes early.”

You thanked him and left, walking to the cafe. You took your time, observing the shops around you. Across the street from Golden Pizza stood the Blue Lion Buffet. You smiled to yourself- what a cliche to have rivals across from each other. Beside the pizza parlor was another food shop, the Eagles Freezery. You thought about Ferdinand- he said he was working today. Maybe you could drop by and- No. No, Y/N. Go get your lemonade and go.

A soft bell chimed as you opened the door. You saw four people in cafe uniforms, going about their day as you approached the register.

“Welcome to our humble abode!”

“Constance, that’s only used for a home.”

You shyly waved at the so-called Constance and the pink-haired girl who corrected her. Cafe des Loups- or Cafe of Wolves- was a quaint place, quiet and not crowded, kind of like an off-brand Starbucks. Dim lights adorned the high black ceiling, illuminating the shop just enough for a comforting ambience. There was a mural of a rainforest painted on the wall to the opposite of the counter with comfortable tables and lounging areas. If you could, you’d probably waste the day away lounging around. It was the perfect environment for an introvert like you.

At this shop, a large dark-haired man controlled the register instead of Claude. As you approached the register, you noticed that he wasn’t wearing a nametag, but you had a small urge to call him Bigfoot.

“Hey! What can I get ‘cha?”

You scoured the menu. “Just two pink lemonades is fine-”

“Oh! Good choice!” Constance interrupted you, coming to stand beside the man. “Yuri-bird over there makes the best sweet lemonades!”

You followed her gaze over to a man who was sitting on a stool, slouched down and leaning his head on his hand. He stretched and stood up. “Thank God, we haven’t had many customers all day. I was starting to think we lost our appeal.”

“Of course we have not!” Constance replied. She turned to you, but you couldn’t tell whether she was still talking to Yuri or you. Maybe it was neither. “Not when someone as handsome as Yuri is making the drinks and my attractive self is greeting the customers!”

“Hey! I’m just as much of a visual as the boss-man.” The taller man joined in after taking your money. “We’re all pretty nice looking. Especially this little lady ordering~”

You blushed a bit. “Oh, please, I’m nothing special-”

“Nothing special?” Constance laid her hand against her chest. “You’re wonderful! Almost on the same level as me. Isn’t that right, Yuri-birdie?”

Yuri looked up from making your drinks, his analytical eyes seemingly boring holes into you. You shuddered, feeling like he could tell your deepest and darkest secrets from just looking at you. He shrugged, going back to the lemonades.

“She’s alright, I suppose.”

“You suppose? Yuri, that’s rude-”

Hapi was midway through lecturing the purple-haired man when the door to the shop chimed open and a rather large group came in. Yuri looked up and suddenly stood alert, as did the other three workers. In the group, you saw a familiar head of orange hair and orange eyes met yours. Your face screwed up into confusion.

“Ferdinand?”

“Don’t say anything.” The leader of the group, a short, white-haired girl snarled. “Are you a new… worker here?”

“Wh- you just told me not to say anything.”

Slowly, Yuri and the other three came up beside you, standing slightly in front. Your heart nearly stopped- you were in the middle of something you definitely weren’t supposed to be in and your sass had gotten on their bad side already. The white-haired girl scrutinized the five of you, her lavender eyes piercing holes through whatever facade of confidence you had tried to put up. You could feel yourself literally wither under her gaze, even more than you did when Yuri looked at you.

“What do you want, Edelgard?” Yuri put his hands on his hip, one fiddling with something under his shirt.

“I want your loyalty.”

Yuri snorted. “You aren’t in charge.”

“I’m not? Hm. Tell that to my father after he stepped down. I’m the leader now- the emperor, if you will.” Edelgard sighed heavily. “I have no time for more conversation if you won’t comply. Hubert, deal with them.”

The terrifying man who you assumed was Hubert suddenly reached in his coat and pulled out a handgun, aiming it at the five of you. Yuri quickly retaliated and pulled one of his own, throwing it at Constance before grabbing your wrist and running to the back. A loud gunshot rang through the air as you and Yuri continued to run. You both dodged around coffee shop equipment and he dragged you through a labyrinth that they considered the back of the store.

As you were running, Yuri pulled you to a sharp right turn and your arm scraped against a metal machine in your way. You hissed in pain and looked down at it, seeing a large wound going down your shoulder to your elbow. It was starting to bleed rather quickly, but you had no time to worry about it. You’d have time to tend to it if you survived.

“What’s happening?”

“No time to explain. Quick, hide!”

Yuri pushed you against the wall in between two larger cabinets and stood in front, grabbing yet another gun from his other hip. He cocked it, listening for the ruckus of the fight in the main room to make its way towards your location. You were shaking like a leaf, grabbing tightly onto your wounded arm and smearing blood all over your fingers and your clothes. You breathed heavily, trying to calm yourself at least a little- was this why Ferdinand had been so defensive over the Eagles Freezery? What kind of restaurant rivalry would constitute attempted murder? And wasn’t this cafe uninvolved anyways? You didn't have time to ponder any more questions as a loud crash echoed through the room. Yuri lifted his gun and began to speak lowly, not taking his eyes off of the door.

“When I say run, go out the back door and get in the black car back there. Don’t go home- one of them will find you.”

A gunshot rang through the air and Constance, Balthus, and Hapi burst through the doors, running towards you all. Yuri turned to you as the three of them caught up to him, pulling out their own weapons again as Edelgard began yelling.

“Run!”

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taglist: @fairyblue-alchemist @emperor-pizza @flavoredmilktea @fe3h-random-writing-and-stuff @mifuyuyu @blviddyd @laurexlance @atomicchocolatecookie @mapesandoval @local-goth-lilz

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[destiel-love-forever]

Locked Out

Anon asked for this (based on a post from tumblr):

“The lock jammed on the front door of my shitty prewar apartment building so I just spent twenty minutes forcing it open while my very drunk neighbor sat on the steps nodding at my efforts and going “This is fun. Being locked out together. We should hang out more.” // He’s like 6’2 and jacked. At one point he was like “Try a kick. Try… kicking it.” So I donkey kicked it as hard as I could and it did absolutely nothing but he was still like “Wow. More Torque… than I expected. You’ve got a surprising, uh, torque to size ratio.”

Based on this post by @youcantcancelquidditch

Read below or on AO3: Locked Out

Locked Out

When I get home from the library, it’s already nearly three in the morning. I’m dead on my feet with a brain stuffed so full of information on human anatomy that it feels like my skull might split open. The coffee buzz that’s starting to crash isn’t helping my mood. Since my luck is total shit, my key isn’t working. I try to jiggle the lock at the same time as I shove my shoulder against the door, since that sometimes works, but to no prevail.

I throw my head back, squeeze my eyes shut, and silently count to ten. I’m too tired for this shit. 

Pulling my phone out, I call my landlord. The asshole that owns this shitty prewar apartment building almost never answers his phone, always making you leave a message, and it’s rare that he responds to anything - even things like the heat breaking in the middle of winter - within the first 24 hours. 

Still, I hope. 

Then I get his voicemail. 

Through gritted teeth, I tell him that the door is jammed - for the fourth time this month - and that I’m going to end up breaking a damn window if he doesn’t show up soon, because it’s the week of final exams and I need sleep. 

Just as I’m stuffing my phone in my pocket and about to start working on this door again, a loud engine revs behind me. It’s combined with music so loud it thrums inside my chest and a chorus of guys laughing like children. I don’t even have to turn around to know who it is.

Sure enough, “Heeeyy!! Cat guy!” is shouted at me from above the rest of the noise. I tense up and begin to frantically throw myself against the door. The car leaves and the music and laughter fades, leaving me with a silence that I know won't last long. 

“Cat Guy! Wha’s happenin’ man?” he slurs, shouting even though he's right next to me now. 

I turn around to look at him, completely unimpressed. The thing that bothers me the most about my neighbor is how unfairly attractive he is. He's one of those men who literally take your breath away, which pisses me off because I'm a control freak and don't get flustered easily, so my body's response to his bright green eyes and thick eye lashes and tall, muscular body and freckles and worn leather jacket and big hands that cradle his cigarettes so gently that I sometimes wonder what it would feel like if it were me he- anyway - point is, I hate how much my body wants him when I, in fact, do not. 

I don’t even know the man’s name, but I know that he lives in apartment 8, he smokes an awful lot, drinks heavily but only on the weekends and special occasions, and the first day I moved into apartment 7, he caught me in my boxers chasing my cat down the hall. Somehow Mr. Fluffers had figured out how to open the goddamn door. Hence him calling me ‘Cat Guy’ even though it's been four months since that terribly embarrassing day. 

“What's up?” he asks again, either not noticing that I'm not in the mood to talk, or not caring. 

“The lock is jammed.”

“Ah man. That sucks.” He slumps down on the staircase and takes out a cigarette. I watch him as he lights it, takes a drag, releases the smoke, then smiles up at the night sky. I get the feeling he doesn't think this sucks. Not as much as I do at least. 

I stare at him, watching as he casually flicks the ashes off the end of his cigarette. My annoyance gets the best of me and I snap, “How are you so huge and muscular and in shape when you smoke like a fucking chimney.”

He raises one eyebrow, his lips tilting into a smirk. He puts the cigarette out and stands up so that he’s towering over me. I immediately regret saying anything at all. “Well, I’m huge because I was born that way. You think this is bad? I’m only 6’2. My brother’s 6’6. And I’m in shape and muscular because I work out. And I don’t smoke like a fuckin’ chimney. In fact, I don’t smoke very often at all.”

“Almost every time I see you, you’re outside smoking.”

“You ever think that maybe it’s just an excuse to be sitting here when the cute nerd just happens to come home? Usually at the same time every day because he sticks to a routine and is a control freak?”

I open my mouth in shock, then quickly slam it shut. Not knowing what to say, I just turn back to the door, slamming myself against it again. He chuckles under his breath and sits back down in his spot, pulling out a new cigarette. He lights it, takes a drag, puffs out the smoke, and smiles again. It's endearing and I hate him even more because of it. 

I squint out into the dark parking lot of our complex. It’s a small building, just ten units inside, and it’s quiet this late at night. No one around to help. And it doesn't look like apartment 8 wants to help, either. 

With a new wave of determination, I start back on the door. I get down on eye level with the lock and try to wiggle my key slowly inside it, hoping to jostle something free. I don't even know if that's how it works, but it sounds right. 

As if we're friends, he asks, “So, what are you up to on this fine evening?”

I look over my shoulder at him like he's insane. “Trying to get into my fucking apartment.”

“Right. Yes. Of course. I suppose I meant, what were you doing on this fine evening before coming home to find the door jammed.”

“Studying,” I grunt, getting pissed off enough to pull my hand back and slap the door a few times. It does absolutely nothing, but it's a nice release of anger. 

He whistles low and says, “Damn. Do that again.”

“Why? It didn't help anything.”

“No, but I enjoyed it.” When I just roll my eyes and go back to pressing my shoulder against the door, trying to push against it, he asks, “Studying for what?”

“Jesus Christ,” I whisper under my breath, both at the door and at him. 

“You were studyin’ Jesus Christ? Huh. Funny. I didn't peg ya for one of those. Not that there's anything wrong with bible bangers. It's just, like, when I pictured Cat Guy's life, it was never like oh yeah I bet that guy bangs bibles.”

“I am not a bible banger. I was studying Anatomy and Physiology for my final exam tomorrow.” I growl and slap the door again. “And my name is Castiel. Not Cat Guy.”

“Castiel,” he says slowly, testing it on his tongue. Or, at least, trying to. He's slurring too much and butchers it. With a huff, he states, “‘M jus’ gonna call ya Cas.”

“Fine.”

“I'm Dean.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.” When I don't continue the conversation, he chuckles. “So, Cas, how’s Mr. Fluffers?”

My face heats up and I know it must be beat red. I deflect, trying to embarrass him instead. “What kind of person finds out their neighbor’s cat's name before their actual neighbor’s name?”

“The kind who witnessed said neighbor sprinting after a white puff of fur in nothin’ but Star Wars boxers screaming, ‘Mr. Fluffers! Get back here this instant!’ Mr. Fluffers wasn't exactly calling your name back, so it was a lopsided informational session.” 

I just stare at him. He talks fast, especially for a drunk guy, and he’s funny. I have to fight myself so I don’t smile at him because smiling will only encourage his behavior. After clearing my throat twice to make sure it comes out normal, I say, “They weren't Star Wars.”

“Oh yes they were.” He winks at me and shifts so he can pull his shirt up and a corner of his jeans down. “Don't worry. See? Batman. No judgement here.” 

“Oh, lord. Please don’t show me your underwear.” 

He laughs. “I like you, Cas.”

“You barely know me.”

“I should know you, though. I think knowing you is a great idea.” 

Feeling my face flush, I focus back on the door. I slam my shoulder against it a few times, grabbing the knob and giving it shaken-knob-syndrome from how hard I twist and jiggle it. 

Nothing. 

He spreads his arms out, gesturing to the space around us. “This is fun. Being locked out together. We should hang out more.”

With a laugh, I slump down against the door and look at him. “Your definition of fun and mine are very different.”

“What’s your definition of fun?”

“Honestly?”

“I mean, we've already discussed our underwear. Might as well.”

This makes me smile. A real, genuine smile. I'm not sure the last time I've done that. So, I tell him the truth. Because, like he said, he's seen me running down a hall in Stars Wars underwear, yelling at a kitten named Mr. Fluffers. It can't get much worse. 

“I like going to museums and the art gallery. Book stores. Coffee. Bingeing Netflix. Kayaking. Um,” I pause, trying to think. He waits patiently with his head tilted slightly, like he's genuinely interested. That makes me blush again, so I stare at my hands and continue. “So I'm not a writer or very creative or anything but I love going to like poetry readings and slam poem contests and open mics. I’m a logical thinker, not an artist, but it fascinates me to see people who are.”

“Hmm.” His smile is full of secrets and amusement as he turns his chin to look out at the parking lot. It makes me nervous, my belly doing flips, so I hurry back to my feet and start in on the door again. He watches with his head tilted like he’s studying me, the smile on his face growing. 

“Try a kick. Try… kicking it,” he suggests, waving his hand in the general direction of the door. 

He’s still grinning like he knows something I don’t, and between that and my embarrassment that I actually told him the truth about the things I enjoy and he pretty much ignored them, I’m angry enough to actually listen. I take two steps back and donkey kick the door. 

It does absolutely nothing. 

Other than impress him.

“Wow.” He clears his throat, his smile slipping into a look of amazement and confusion. “More torque… than I expected. You’ve got a surprising, uh, torque to size ratio.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, falling back down beside him and burying my face in my hands. 

“No, Cas, I mean it. Like… you gotta tell me where ya learned that. That was badass, man.”

I snort. “It didn’t open.”

“Well, no,” he stands up, crushing a cigarette beneath his boot and wiping his hands on his jeans. “That’s because you didn’t kick in the right spot.”

Before I can ask him what he means, he’s taking two steps back and lifting his leg, kicking it out. His boot slams against the wood near the doorknob and the thing breaks apart. I stand there staring in amazement while he nudges the bottom of the door with his toe, making it swing the rest of the way open. 

He crosses his arms over his chest, resting a shoulder on the doorframe and leaning against it. The smirk on his face, combined with how turned on I am by watching him actually kick down a door, makes me want to lunge forward and kiss him silly. 

“How the hell?” I ask when my voice finally returns. 

“You first.”

I roll my eyes. “Look at me. I’m a twink. My dad put me in kickboxing when he realized I wasn’t going to grow much more than this.”

The way his eyes flash makes me blush, the realization that I just used gay slang to describe my body type making me want to disappear. 

“Funny,” he says in a low voice, pushing off the doorframe so he’s no longer blocking the entrance. 

Shoving my hands in my pockets to hide that they’re shaking, I walk past him and into the apartment building with my eyes focused on the floor. “What’s funny?” I ask, attempting to sound nonchalant and miserably failing. 

Two hands settle on my waist, heavy and warm, as his front presses into my back. I shiver when he whispers against the shell of my right ear, “Twinks are just my type. Especially nerdy ones who like open mics and have mischievous cats and wear Star Wars boxers.”

I sink into his hold, thankful he’s behind me so he can’t see the stupid grin glued to my face. “Funny.”

“What’s funny?” he asks in a teasing voice, playing along. 

“I fit that description perfectly.”

“No way!” he gasps, then turns me around so he can look in my eyes. “You know what this means, right?”

Honestly having no idea, I shake my head at him and shrug. “What?”

He licks his lips slowly, giving me time to track his tongue as it travels. When he pulls his tongue in, his upper teeth ever so slightly pull at his full bottom lip before letting go. Then his mouth turns into the most amazing smile I think I’ve ever seen. “When we fall madly in love with each other and decide to move in, we’re getting the fuck out of this shitty apartment building.”

The words surprise me, making me throw my head back from the force of my laughter. When I finally calm down, wiping my face clean of a few stray tears, I nod and say breathlessly, “Sounds like a deal.”

“Cool.” He grabs my hand and pulls me along, heading toward our adjacent doors. “First date is tomorrow. I’m playing the open mic at Blue’s Cafe. 9 o’clock.”

My heart lurches and I nearly swoon. “What do you play?”

“Guitar. And I sing.” He looks over his shoulder, shooting me a wink. “You have no chance, Cat Guy. Prepare to fall hard.”

For the first, and probably only, time, I’m thankful for my shitty landlord and his apartment’s jammed lock. 

[captainjanegay]

[1D] tell me there are things that you regret

Title: tell me there are things that you regret Ship: Ziall (Zayn Malik x Niall Horan) Genre: angst with happy ending Rating: T Word count: ~4,4k Summary: “I bumped into Niall yesterday.” Zayn was so busy carrying two cartons of milk to the fridge and he almost missed those words. Almost.

Because whenever that name was mentioned, he still felt like a little spark was going over his whole body. A/N: ok, i’ll try not to babble for too long, promise. I’d like to dedicate tht fic for two incredibly special and lovely people. @lepetitcomte aka my lovely mum who gave me the request. I have to say that I hated her at first, because I can’t and I didn’t want to write angst. But then she told me to fixt the whole thing. So I did.

The second person I want to mention is @farfromthstars DID U GUYS KNOW THAT IT’S PIA’S BDAY TODAY?! I thought that today will be a great date to post this fic so I can provide you with some new Ziall content and (hopefully!) make you smile a bit ;’) ‘m sorry I haven’t managed to do anything just for you, promise to do better next year djasdjak Anyway! I love you so much, you deserve the Universe and then some more, I hope you’ll get all the hugs in the world, including an one (or more) from Niall ;’) I wish you the happiest birthday, love <3

Read on AO3

the fic wasn’t beta’d and all mistakes are my own. you’ve been warned, i’m sorry dakjdak

There was a soft knock on the door. Zayn knew who he’d find on the other side before he even went to answer it. There weren’t that many people visiting him and besides, when you lived all your life with someone, you got used to their habits. Even their knocks.

“Hello, love,” Zayn was greeted by a big smile as soon as he opened the door and a pair of warm arms tugged him closer, crushing him in a hug.

For a woman her size, Trisha Malik was pretty strong. At least when it came to hugs.

“Hi, mum,” he answered, pressing a kiss to his mum’s cheek. “What are you doing here?”

Just as Zayn expected, she almost completely ignored his question and walked past him to get to the kitchen. Only then Zayn noticed that she was carrying two bags, probably filled with food. Trisha started explaining that she just was in the neighbourhood and she decided to check on her only son - who she wasn’t seeing often enough, of course. Both of them knew that it was pure nonsense, but nobody said a word. It was always like this.

Before Zayn reached the kitchen, the counter was already halfway filled with groceries and boxes with homemade goodies.

“You’re aware that I can do shopping on my own? And that I also have a cooker?”

“I have doubts if you even use it. You’re forgetting to eat properly again, you think I don’t know you?” Trisha sent him a glare over her shoulder. “You’re getting skinnier and skinnier every time I see you!”

“You’ve seen me three days ago, mum. And you said the exact same thing. I think you’re exaggerating a bit, ya know?”

Despite his words, Zayn couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face. It was nice to have someone that cared about him. Even if it was just his mum. Besides, his mama’s meals always were the highlight of his days.

For a few moments he only watched his mum shifting around the kitchen. Sometimes Zayn thought that she knew this place better than he did, even though he lived in this apartment for a few years now. And he did cook from time to time, despite his mum’s accusations.

To not feel like an alien in his own house, Zayn moved from where he was leaning against the doorframe and helped Trisha unpack all the food she’d brought. He also tried to keep up with the updates on their family and friends that his mum was giving him. It turned out to be harder than packing groceries away. To be honest, he didn’t really listened that carefully, it was a lot of information and he didn’t even cared about half of it. One thing was for sure - he didn’t inherit wordiness from his mother.

“I bumped into Niall yesterday.”

Zayn was so busy carrying two cartons of milk to the fridge and he almost missed those words. Almost.

Because whenever that name was mentioned, he still felt like a little spark was going over his whole body. It startled him hard enough, that one of the cartons he was holding, fell on the floor with a loud thud.

“Shit,” Zayn mumbled under his breath, picking up the container and clearing his throat awkwardly. “That’s- Um, that’s great. How’s he doing?”

His heart started pounding faster, which was absolutely ridiculous. He really shouldn’t be reacting like that. Not anymore. But… Zayn really didn’t know if he wanted to know the answer for a questions he’s just asked. If he was ready for it.

“Have you talked to him lately?” His mum said instead, as if she could tell that Zayn was having a tiny internal crisis even when he tried to hide behind the fridge’s door.

She probably could.

“I…,” Zayn started, unsure. “Um, we texted? Earlier this month or so, don’t remember.”

Of course he did remember and it wasn’t even close to this two weeks of October that had passed. The last time was about 5 months ago. Zayn texted him about Slow Hands being a great banger and that he loved it. Niall thanked him. That was all. Zayn remembered it painfully well. His mum didn’t have to know that, though.

Trisha glared at Zayn, probably hadn’t believed him at all. “We haven’t really had time to catch up properly, he was in a rush, as you all always are. But that’s understandable, his album is coming out in a few days, right?”

It took a lot of Zayn’s self control to stop a heavy sigh from escaping his mouth. Why did his mother want to talk about Niall so badly? Zayn knew why - just to mess with him. Or maybe because she adored Niall with passion, like everyone else always did. Probably both. Still, it was really unfair she made him go through this. Mothers shouldn't do things like this.

���Yeah, I think it is?” he nodded, trying to sound casual about it. He knew exactly when it’s out. He hadn’t really checked any social media in a while, hadn’t listened to the radio. And yet, he still knew that Flicker is out on October 20th, which happened to be tomorrow. It was hard not to know this, when posters with Niall’s face on them were hunting Zayn for a good two weeks. The Universe really did hate him.

And it was obviously just a coincidence that his mother picked that day to pay him a visit.

“I’ve heard his single the other day, they were playing it on the radio. It’s really beautiful, isn’t it?”

Closing his eyes for a second, Zayn took a deep breath and straightened up. It was starting to become suspicious that he was crouching with his head in the fridge for so long, so he needed to finally close it. That didn’t mean he was ready to face his mother who was watching him carefully.

“Um, I… I haven’t really had time to listen to it yet. Bet it’s wonderful, though. His previous ones had been really aces so why this one wouldn’t?” He said, making his way to the other side of the kitchen, aiming for the cooker. “Do you want some tea? I’ll fix us some, yeah?”

Tea was always a good idea, especially when it created an opportunity to run away from his own mum. Zayn loved her more than anything, but sometimes she was too much. And she wasn’t subtle at all.

Luckily, Trisha seemed to get the hint and she dropped the topic, telling Zayn about how Safaa was doing in school and what was happening at home - that of course he wasn’t visiting enough - in general. Zayn was glad to focus on that and not of his former bandmate that still had this weird effect on him.

It wasn’t until later, when they sat by the table, all the groceries put away, a cup of tea in each hand, something bubbling happily in a pot his mum put on the cooker a while ago. Zayn was content with the relative silence, having his mum on the other side of the table and not having to worry about anything important at the moment. But it would be too good of an afternoon if it had stayed this way.

“You really should talk to him, you know?”

Zayn flinched, turning his head towards his mum.

“Who?” he asked dumbly. Considering the look on Trisha’s face, he knew exactly what she was going to say next. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t pretend.

“Niall,” she said, looking like she was trying very hard not to roll her eyes. Instead, she looked at her son, a hint of worry in her voice. “Don't you miss him?”

“We are talking,” Zayn stated, completely ignoring the second question he was asked. The only reaction he’d gotten was a disapproving glance. Damn, this woman knew him too well. “We really are. Maybe not as often as we used to, but… I mean… I don’t know what you expect me to say.”

“I’m not expecting you to say anything,” she sighed. “Well, not to me, at least. But don’t you think it’s time to stop sulking?”

“I’m not sulking.”

Even Zayn could tell that his voice was saying something completely opposite and he hated himself for that. But the truth was, he wasn’t sulking. Pining, maybe. But not sulking. He wasn’t five to be sulking without any reason to do so.

“It’s just…,” his mum leaned forward, biting her lip, “you two were so… close. And happy. Back then. I miss seeing you like that, you know?”

“Mum…,” it sounded like a whine and Zayn wanted to bang his head against the table. However, he doubted if that would help him convince his mother that he was totally ok and totally not sulking. “Why are we talking about him anyway? You bugging me about it wouldn’t change much, would it?”

Zayn almost winced at how harsh his voice sounded. He didn’t mean to snap at his mother like this. It was just tiring, being reminded how he had fucked up and what he had lost. Whom he had lost. Zayn would prefer some help with forgetting about all this.

Trisha sent him a hard look and for a few second, she hasn’t said a word. When she finally spoke, her voice sounded much softer and kinder than her look might suggest. “You’re right. Me bugging you about him won’t change much. But maybe I’ll finally bug you enough that you'll do something about it.”

Clenching his teeth, Zayn looked down at the mug he was holding, not saying anything more.

***

Zayn wasn’t the easiest person to be around. He had some awful habits, that he knew he should get rid off, but he couldn’t. Tendency to run away from his problems when they were becoming too much to handle, cutting people off - even the ones closest to his heart - or feeling suffocated by a lot of, sometimes very trivial stuff. Some people said that it wasn’t something bad, that it was just his way to deal with the big, bad world. Or at least his mum said so. But the truth was, that sometimes those things was getting in Zayn’s way. Stopping him from doing things he really wanted to do, but was too scared or too stupid to try.

With a heavy sigh, Zayn rolled on his bed. He should add “overthinking” to the long list of his bad habits. As well as “thinking the dead of night is a perfect time to reflect on his miserable life”. It wasn’t causing any good.

He untangled his arm from under the covers and tried to find the phone without opening his eyes. It was harder than expected, but finally his fingers reached the device and brought it up to his face. Peeking one eye open, Zayn cursed under his breath when the bright light hit his tired eyes. It was just a few minutes after 3 in the morning and Zayn hated the whole world as if his insomnia was its fault. But it was easier, blaming something that couldn’t defend itself. This way his guilt trip wasn’t eating him alive.

He was mostly alright, though. Just sometimes, on nights like this, he felt that stupid sinking feeling in his stomach, the urge to punch someone. Himself, preferably. It was all gone the next day, most of this moping at least, so it wasn’t really that bad. The only problem was that nights like that were happening quite often lately.

After a few minutes of mindless staring at his phone, Zayn taped out the code and unlocked it. For god-knows-which time he gave himself a mental smack on the head and almost laughed at his own soppiness. There were so many combinations and yet, he had to pick those four damn digits. And after all this time he couldn’t bring himself to change it.

His fingers hovered over the screen, not sure why he’d even taken the phone.

Except he did.

With a defeated sigh, Zayn clicked the Spotify icon. During her visit, Trisha at least ten times mentioned how beautiful Too Much To Ask was and that he should listen to it. And who Zayn was to say no to his own mother.

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to hear it. Listening to Niall’s voice was always a great experience, no matter whether the Irishman was singing, talking or laughing. And that was exactly the reason why Zayn was so hesitant. The fact that he wasn’t able to hear much of the talking or the laughing lately hurt too much.

Plus, after hearing to the previous single, Zayn wasn’t sure if he could handle to the rest of the album. Listening to Slow Hands made him feel that awful sting of jealousy, because thinking about Niall hooking up with some random chick wasn’t really his favourite way of spending the day. The possibility of hearing more things like this made him anxious. He didn’t want to realise that Niall was over him, while Zayn most certainly wasn’t over Niall. Didn’t matter what he was telling others.

Nevertheless, he was a weak man. Especially with his mum gushing about the song all day and sending him all those weird looks. He typed out the title and clicked play, trying to ignore his pounding heart.

Soft sounds filled Zayn’s bedroom. Just after the first notes, Zayn knew that it wasn’t something he had expected. When Niall started singing, Zayn closed his eyes and clutched the phone more firmly in his hand. After a while without hearing it, Niall’s voice sounded different from what Zayn remembered. It was stronger, somehow a bit foreign. But at the same time so familiar. And even more beautiful.

Zayn was worried that over the furious pounding of his heart he wouldn’t be able to hear the lyrics properly. But every single word was clear as day, resounding loudly in the silence of the room. And it felt like every single one of them was ripping Zayn’s heart from his chest, releasing all the thoughts and feelings he was carefully stashing for all this time. It was all out now, like Zayn could hear it in the song.

Staring down at his phone, Zayn didn’t know whether he wanted to turn it off or to play the song once more and then again, so he wouldn’t miss anything. He did none of this, vision to blurry to see the screen properly. Was he crying? He wasn’t really sure. Zayn held his phone even tighter, feeling the urge to throw it across the room, to make it all stop. Instead, he just lay on his bed, petrified.

He felt like there was not enough space in his lungs for him to breath properly.

Not enough space in this room. Or in this city.

All the thoughts in his head, the sounds of the song, his pulse pounding in his ears, it all seemed to mix and blend until it turned into a static noise in his mind.

Before Zayn even realised, he was standing in the middle of the room, putting on first clothes he could find. It might have been the worst thing to do, but he couldn’t just let it go.

He had already let go once.

The whole ride was just a blur. Zayn had no idea how he managed to get to the other side of the city without crashing his car or running somebody over. He parked the car, barely remembering about locking it up. After a few more minutes, after running in the chill autumn air, Zayn finally reached his destination. He was trembling all over, his hands shaking. It was hard to tell whether it was because of the emotions, the cold or something entirely different.

Zayn stood there, staring at the door in front of him. What was he even doing? He didn't know if Niall was here and the song might not meant what Zayn thought, hoped it did. Was he allowed to do this? Just show up at Niall's doorstep, all of sudden, after months of silence and years of not seeing each other? Why was his heart speeding its beating even more, just at the thought of seeing Niall's face?

Zayn took a step back.

The adrenaline he felt earlier was rushing out of him with every breath he took. Instead, the panic was slowly taking over. Zayn felt the urge to run back to his flat, bury himself under the covers and pretend he'd never heard Niall's song, his mum's words from earlier and the crazy thumping of his heart. In situations like this, Zayn had never been the brave one and the possibility of being rejected or Niall not being here, made it even worse.

Although, Zayn was a coward earlier and instead of protecting him, it left him with a wounded heart. It was hard to live with it. So he knocked.

For a few, incredibly long and painful moments, nothing was happening. Zayn had a feeling that he still could hear the echo of his fist knocking against the wooden door, noise so loud in the quiet night. But maybe Niall didn’t hear it? If he even was there, he was probably asleep and Zayn knew Niall always was a heavy sleeper. Trying to ignore the anxiety and the blood rushing in his ears, Zayn raised his hand to ring the bell.

As soon as he placed his finger on the doorbell, the door swung open. Zayn’s brain needed a few long seconds to gather what was happening and only then realised that he should stop ringing.

Despite everything, Zayn really couldn’t believe that he was lucky enough to catch Niall in here, that he wasn’t on the other side of the globe. He really hoped that it was a reason to be happy.

They stood there, just staring at each other, none of them could really believe who they saw. Zayn’s eyes wandered through Niall's body, just for a second or two. He was in a pair of sweats and a loose shirt, that was still stretching across his broad shoulders. His dark hair was ruffled, short stubble covering his cheeks. And those beautiful blue eyes, now wide opened were staring right at Zayn. Niall looked different, more mature, maybe more tired. Which seemed odd, because not that much time had passed since they've seen each other the last time, so things shouldn't change that much. And yet, they seemed to do.

“Zayn.”

Niall's tone was quiet, but not unsure or questioning. It sounded a bit like a sigh, but Zayn couldn’t tell whether it was a relieved or heavy one. Zayn’s heart - just a second ago pumping like crazy - now almost stopped after hearing his name being said by that low, raspy voice that he loved so much. His breath hitched in his throat, tongue feeling too big for his mouth. What was he doing here? It was difficult to catch at least one coherent thought in the mess that Zayn’s mind was at the moment. Mostly, there was Niall, his eyes closer that they were in years, his smell, his voice. And that damn song, still playing in Zayn’s brain on repeat.

“Was it about me?” Zayn blurted out before he could think twice.

It might not be the best way to start this conversation, but Zayn was surprised and quite proud of himself for being able to produce any words at all.

“I- What?” Niall shook his head, like he tried to focus. “Was what about you?”

“The song,” Zayn took a step closer. His fingers were twitching to touch Niall, to grab at his arm. To resist the urge, he curled his hands into fists. “Too much to ask. Was it about me?”

Every time that question popped up in his head, Zayn felt stupid. Like he was still as vain as people tried to portray him. That he was just imagining things that weren’t there. Because… was he really that relevant? Was he so relevant that Niall had written such song about him?

But now the question was out. Zayn opened his heart for Niall and there was no coming back. He could only wait and hope that Niall’s answer won’t break him completely.

In response, Niall’s eyes widened in shock and he looked down after a second or two. Zayn could hear the deep breath he took. Niall’s hand that was holding the door, gripped the wood a bit tighter, while the fingers of his other hand ran through his hair.

“Nia-”

“What are you doing, Zayn?” when Niall spoke again his voice was harsh. He snapped his head up, but he looked more tired than angry. “What is this all about, why are you here? It’s not like we pay ourselves a lot of visits lately, you know?”

Zayn didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if he should say anything at all. Before he could even open his mouth, Niall spoke again.

“We haven’t talked in months and now you just come here, like nothing had happened, in the middle of a fucking night? And you ask me if- What the fuck, Zayn?”

Niall took a step forward. They were standing almost chest to chest and Zayn was no longer sure of anything. He tried not to think about how did Niall’s body changed, tried not to be intimidated by how big he seemed from this close.

“It was so damn hard and when I thought that I- Fuck, I was doing better. And now you’re fucking here. What do you want me to do?” Niall’s fingers ran through that little piece of hair on his temple, the nervous gesture he’d never got rid off. “You want me to tell you that I was so attached that I couldn’t get over you? That I tried to hate you for how our relation went, but I couldn’t? That I’ve written a fucking song cause I don’t know how to deal with such things differently?”

The more Niall talked, the quicker and more jumbled his words became. Zayn could feel Niall’s hot breath against his face, his own heartbeat almost drowning out what Niall was saying. Scattered words were echoing through his head when Zayn tried to make sense out of them, to make sure that he heard what he thought he did.

It seemed almost impossible, though. In that moment, Zayn could think about only one thing that might help him understand. Only one thing that he wanted to do. So he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Niall’s.

He missed a bit, placing a kiss on the corner of Niall’s mouth. That move surprised Niall, who made a weird noise, his words muffled by Zayn’s lips. He jerked back, staring at Zayn, wide-eyed and silent. Feeling more anxious and stupid with every passing second, Zayn opened his mouth to say something. Apologise or say goodbye and run away. Anything to break this silence.

He never did any of those, because all of sudden Niall’s hand were on him, grasping the front of his hoodie and pulling Zayn closer, right into Niall’s arms, into his warmth. Their lips crushed together, the angle not exactly right to kiss properly. Zayn moved one of his hands up, from where it was resting on Niall’s chest and gripped the back of his broad neck. Trying to tangle his fingers in the short, brown hair at the nape, Zayn turned his head and took another step forward, pressing his chest into Niall’s. He could feel Niall’s heartbeat under his palm, trapped between their bodies.

A sigh escaped Zayn’s mouth, when he felt Niall licking at his lips, trying to get inside. He let him, pressing himself further into Niall’s embrace. He was afraid to let go, afraid that if he did, it would all disappear and he’d be back in his flat. Alone.

“Fuck,” Niall mumbled into Zayn’s mouth, leaving a few more small kisses on his lips. Slowly straightening his fingers, he brought his hands up to cup Zayn’s face. Niall rested his forehead on Zayn’s, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Fuck you, Malik. I’d never free myself from you.”

“I don’t want you to,” Zayn whispered quickly. “Please don’t.”

A breathy laugh escaped Niall’s mouth. He moved his face away, just the slightest bit so he could look Zayn in the eyes. Absentmindedly, Niall rubbed Zayn’s cheek with his thumb. Zayn felt like his heart was about to burst in response to that gentle gesture.

“Do I have a choice?” Niall asked, his voice a bit teasing. “I was trying to and you fucked up all the progress I’ve made.”

Zayn grinned, trying to kiss Niall again, but his smile made it quite impossible.

“Sorry it took me so long, though,” he said and then added, getting serious, “Really. I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I was too scared and didn’t know what to do. And the longer I waited, the more I was convincing myself that it’s too late to fix it. I’m an idiot and-”

Just like Zayn did earlier, this time Niall closed his mouth with a kiss. It was very effective, maybe even too effective, since Zayn’s mind went completely blank, Niall’s lips the only thing he could think of.

“You are an idiot. ‘M happy you’d finally understood that so we can move on.”

“Actually it’s my mum. That helped me understand, like. She was dropping subtle hints for some time now,” Zayn felt like his face was going to break in two from how big he was smiling.

Niall hummed in acknowledgement, biting at his lower lip in a rubbish attempt to hide his own smile.

“Always knew Trisha’s the best Malik.” He said, moving his hands from Zayn’s cheeks to wrap his arms around Zayn’s middle. “But how about we talk more in the morning? Don’t want to ruin the mood but it’s gonna be fucking downing soon.”

“Oh. Right. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t-,” Zayn started. “You have a busy day ahead, I should just go…”

Niall only snorted, pulling Zayn inside and closing the front door behind them. “As if I’m going to let you go ever again.”

[oishioshis]

Favourite Songs 2016 ~A Mixed Bag~

This is probably the longest I’ve put something off in my life, for one reason or another whenever I started writing this list I became overwhelmed or really down on myself. What do I know? Who am I? What value is this at all? Well, none of those questions really matter. I’m doing this for myself and hopefully there’s the added benefit of friends looking at this and maybe getting an idea for what I’m into.

It’s no secret my interests have vastly changed between 2015 and 2016 making this an incredibly hard list to curate, but that process made me realise that this whole thing is kinda nonsense. It’s a fun thing I’m throwing together based on what I enjoyed, it’s not me scouring every release throughout a year and giving you my take on it. I’m going to miss things and skip songs and entire albums, this is an unranked list except for my absolute favourite of the year.

However, before I get into my favourite releases I want to give my take on a hobby I had a couple years back. While I think their releases are often really poor and lacking in mostly every regard, it’s worth highlighting the very rare gem they manage to spit out.

AKB48 - Love Trip

This song is kinda fantastic in that it’s everything I personally feel AKB48 should be. It’s energetic, youthful and intense. AKB48 is often bogged down with releases that are mellow and way too easy going for the sheer amount of personality they have. They should be fun, and Love Trip is exactly that, and well executed, too. The mix of acoustic guitars and wailing electric guitars throughout give the song an energy more reminiscent of their older output, the accompanying layered gang vocals, while they leave something to be desired on a technical level, do add to the intensity of the song itself. It’s not abrasive, it feels just right. Love Trip could be described as a beautiful chaos, as it is a mess, but a mess that works to the benefit of the listener, it’s a song about young love, and the song sounds as chaotic as that moment in your life feels. Overall, I’d say this is the best AKB48 song in years, and continues to be.

Nogizaka46 - Harujion ga Sakukoro

I was once writing what was basically a love letter to this song that I never got around to posting. When this song first came out I adored it, the composition and arrangement is so uplifting and beautiful that it’s hard to put into words how exactly you feel about it. The song is a mix of a thumping house beat and string sections with what sounds like a synthesized chorus vocal line, and it works perfectly. The music itself never really resolves itself in its transitions from chorus to verse until the end where the story of the song is resolved, and I thought that was a very smart, well crafted touch.

I don’t hold Nogizaka46 to the same standard as AKB48. I personally feel that Nogizaka46’s output is very solid for most releases even if they falter in some coupling track decisions here and there, but Harujion ga Sakukoro is a very, very special song and I feel it is a highlight when it comes to idol songs.

Now with that out of the way I get to my favourite songs of the year. These songs are in no real order but at the very end I’ll give my absolute favourite song of the year, so if you only came for that then just skip to the end because this’ll be real boring otherwise.

Favourite Songs

Perfume - Flash

People like to rag on Perfume these days for whatever reason, can’t say I really get it. I understand the music has changed but that doesn’t mean it’s objectively better or worse. I find Flash to be a highlight in Perfume’s discography, and the Cosmic Explorer album, while I understand it’s a bit more western influenced and trendy, it’s a lot of fun. Flash kinda just goes in, heavy on the synth leads, snares for days, it’s dumb fun. It knows it’s dumb. I’d also like to give a shout out to the album mix of Flash, it’s rearranged and the dynamic and structure of the song sounds completely different but it’s also really good, just in a different way.

Kariya Seira - Colorful World

A very fun, electro-funk song. I love the electric piano throughout, the bendy bassline, swimmy, sparkly and stabby synths. I also love Seira’s singing, she’s become a really beautiful singer over the years and this song highlights it unlike no other. If you’re ever feeling down I’d really recommend this song among Seira’s other songs.

BiSH - Orchestra

Probably BiSH’s most ambitious song to date. It gives off the melancholic yet optimistic vibes of a smoother Nogizaka46 song, but with a really intense double-kick build into a flurry of orchestral strings. It’s not really a mix you think of to often, but the mix of metal and a string section with this really off-kilter idol punk singing works beautifully. Idol music can sometimes feel a bit fake, but BiSH always manages to feel authentic and I feel Orchestra is a good example of that.

Fujiwara Sakura - “Kawaii”

My favourite side of Fujiwara Sakura is her really emotive singing, and that especially shows in the chorus of “Kawaii”, it’s a very pretty, sentimental jazz song. It’s very jazz, so if you don’t like jazz maybe this won’t be your thing, but it’s jaunty, it’s a lot of fun. Please try it, she’s really good. I’m on my knees begging. I love her so much.

Maison Book Girl - lost AGE

I’ve never been able to describe Maison Book Girl, they’re a unique genre unto themselves, very heavy on strings and acoustic guitars but chopped and mixed incredibly weirdly. I honestly wouldn’t recommend a single song by them, but their entire discography. It’s so unique, it’s indescribable. It’s all one cohesive style so if you don’t like one song you won’t like any of their songs, really, but you need to check them out.

Ladies’ Code - Galaxy

More jazz! But now lower key and subdued. Galaxy is very pretty musically and visually, so definitely check out the music video. I really like the places the song goes, in the bridge it kinda builds this jazzy momentum in contrast to the very mellow beginning and they carry it towards the end. It’s a very neat, chill song, I thoroughly recommend it. Also I adore the bassline.

Ladies’ Code - The Rain

More upbeat and less subtle than Galaxy, but the bouncy synth on top of the continued jazzy feel from Galaxy makes The Rain my favourite of Ladies’ Code releases from 2016. There’s also something about the lead in with the heavy violin into the hard hitting chorus that makes The Rain feel a bit more intensely emotional than Galaxy. Can’t quite put my finger on it, but I like it a lot.

Lee Hi - My Star

Lee Hi continues her motown streak with My Star, and it’s kinda motown-lite but there’s something about it that I really like. The hook is really catchy to me, it’s reminiscent of contemporary motown where it sounds a bit more pop than full motown and that’s alright for me. I also reward any song for expensing actual session played instrumental work, like this song has actual brass sections. However the main snare they’re using sounds EDM as heck. Song’s produced by Teddy so it’s to be expected to some degree isn’t it.

TWICE - TT

What hasn’t been said about TT at this point? It kinda became a cultural phenomenon in East Asia. It’s a really great song. Excellent use of space in the mix, makes the song sound huge and ethereal, the deep house-esque bass synths are wonderful and the hook is super catchy. It’s a perfect pop song if you ask me.

WJSN - Secret

I adore secret, some would call this maybe the biggest surprise of 2016, but it’s an e.one track, of course it’s fantastic. e.one can do no wrong. The music box lead into the melodic synth with an accompanying string section is probably the thing that immediately hooked everybody into this song. It’s a great, fun way to start off your song. That and, of course, the bimiliya aaaaaAa, it’s incredibly catchy. It never gets boring for me.

REOL - Give me a break stop now

REOL’s vocal inflections and general vocal direction is the hook for me, I love her style, but the song is also the type of EDM trap I’m way into. Abrasive trap horns, heavy ass synth, weird ass BONK replacing the snare, the entire thing just kicks you in the teeth and it’s great. REOL and GigaP did a fantastic job at producing this.

BLACKPINK - Whistle / Boombahyah / Playing With Fire

I’m putting most of BLACKPINK’s discography into one because I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed every release they put out in 2016. Whistle’s low-key, simple melodies are something I’m not typically into, but I was immediately hooked by the song, it’s so catchy.  The heavy sub-bass, cowbell rhythm, snare rolling into the bouncy, acoustic build unusually works very, very well and the hook itself is simple and fun, I recommend it.

Boombahyah is basically a pop-ified, big room house banger with all the arabic scale and reverb heavy snares you can handle. It’s almost comical how ridiculous the song is, but it’s a lot of fun, and that’s all I really want.

Playing With Fire is probably my favourite BLACKPINK song of 2016, the electro swing feel throughout, especially in the synth hook is really enjoyable. It’s a very charismatic song, Lisa especially hooks me as I love how she delivers her lines, she’s such a goof but in this song has a lot of attitude.

Red Velvet - Russian Roulette

Russian Roulette is, despite the name, a fun synthpop song with a disco influence. The song is presented in a very monotonous fashion, it leads in with a flat, stuttering “la, la-la, la” and throughout the song the vocals are delivered in a similarly robotic way, very atypical for the blues-y, soulful vocals you’re used to from Red Velvet. I think that’s what makes this song really interesting. It’s a 180 from the absolute belter that was Dumb Dumb, but they still make it work, they, and pop music in general, do not need to be hinged on technical ability to be a fun, entertaining song. While not everybody can make it work, Red Velvet impressed me with their versatility. The music itself is very nice and simple, lots of synth drags, stuttery vocal leads and it even has the rare musical interlude which Korean pop tends not to do too often. Definitely one of my favourite songs of the year.

Oh My Girl - Windy Day

Probably one of the weirder Korean idol releases in recent years. Windy Day is an acoustic heavy, ethereal, bubblegummy type song with very beautifully arranged vocals and an arabic scale (at least I think it’s the arabic scale) influenced musical interlude that completely contrasts the feel of the previous verses. The song is fucking nuts, and it’s great. It’s hard to describe. I really recommend you check it out regardless of the type of music you’re into because it’s a weird one.

Lovelyz - Destiny

Synth, string heavy and intense. It’s not a mellow track by any means, but there’s something about Destiny that is eerie and even haunting. I’d go into Destiny further but I want to write a post in itself about Lovelyz discography at one point where I delve deeper into the sounds and style, but I need to include this because the song is fantastic and you should listen to it.

Absolute Favourite Song of the Year

Gfriend - Rough / Navillera

Both of these songs, to me, are perfect. I find no faults in either of them. They both easily go onto my favourite songs of all time. From the string, guitar heavy Rough to the synthy, discopop Navillera, it’s hard to find a fault, they’re both essentially perfect songs for me. The vocal delivery is beautiful, the way the strings and synths are arranged are both beautiful and powerful, the cute guitar solos feel nostalgic yet unique for the current pop landscape. It all just works perfectly for me. They’re both perfect songs.

And that’s about it. You probably noticed “hey these are all title tracks” well, yes, they are. I wanted to make it easier for myself but I do recommend if you enjoy any of these songs that you check out the respective single, mini-album or album they come from. Also, respect to everybody who produced and was involved with the production of these songs and music videos.

Iggy Youngbae are my dads

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 17th November 2019

Three consecutive weeks and we get eight, seven and now NINE new arrivals! This week isn’t even an album bomb week, either. I’d say I fully expect the charts to cool down and for Christmas music to start coming back but I have no idea. I’ve predicted a slow week for two weeks in a row and I’ve just been greeted with more and more nonsense coming at me, so I’m not even going to try and speculate here.

Top 10

The top five often doesn’t reflect that movement within the charts, and this week is no exception as everything in the top four hasn’t moved, and for a sixth week, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at the #1 spot.

I expected “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa to drop off after the debut but surprisingly, it held on, showing a lot of initial longevity here at number-two, the runner-up spot, although I could very much see this grabbing the #1.

“Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean is still at number-three this week.

Also not moving at number-four is “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B.

At number-five, we actually have a new arrival and our biggest of nine debuts this week, J Hus’ “Must Be”, his lead single from an upcoming project, album, mixtape, what have you. It’s his first solo single since he was released from prison in April this year, and we’ll talk more about Hus and his music later, but just for now, it’s his eighth UK Top 40 hit and it’s pretty great.

Now, there is some impact of this important top-five debut of course, although “Memories” by Maroon 5 climbing up two spots to number-six is a direct result of J Hus’ high new arrival.

The real impact is seen within the rest of the top 10, as “Circles” by Post Malone is down two spaces to number-seven.

Also down two spaces to number-eight is “Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez, which is falling off a tad quicker than I thought, although it could easily rebound.

Lizzo’s “Good as Hell” featuring Ariana Grande is also down two spots to number-nine.

Meanwhile, at #10, Lewis Capaldi’s “Bruises” is dropping down one space to the final spot here, but not near fast enough.

Climbers

Unless you’re a diehard fan of “The Last Time” by the Script (which is up six positions to #32 off of the album release, which should actually be incredibly disappointing for the band), there’s nothing to speak of here.

Fallers

Fallers on the other hand... well, it’s been a while since we’ve done this. Let’s split it into two vague genre sections: pop, rock and EDM vs. Hip-hop and R&B. First, let’s focus on the first section, as “Lights Up” by Harry Styles is down seven to #23, “God is a Dancer” by Tiesto and Mabel is down six to #26, “Liar” by Camila Cabello is down five to #29, “Post Malone” by Sam Feldt featuring RANI is down nine to #30 (Thankfully), “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is down six but I have no idea how it’s still on this bloody chart anyway and “10,000 Hours” by Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber flops down six spaces to #35. None of these drops are exactly disastrous for the artists here, although the drops for “10,000 Hours” and “Lights Up” seem worryingly premature. In terms of hip-hop and R&B, we have “Be Honest” by Jorja Smith and Burna Boy finishing its run down eight to #25, “Follow God” by Kanye West flailing down 12 spots to #27 whilst it’s not even Top 40 in the US, “Tell Me” by Krept & Konan featuring D-Block Europe and Ling Hussle down 14 off of the debut to #37, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae down five to #38 (Typing that each time takes about 20% of my overall writing time), and finally, “Floss” by AJ Tracey featuring MoStack and Not3s is down 12 spaces to #39.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There are no returning entries, and honestly none of these drop-outs are ones I’m worried about or unfortunate drop-outs, because none of these songs are really worth mentioning. Let’s cover these in order of how little I care for them. “Orphans” by Coldplay, dropping out from #32, is a great lead single yet it’ll definitely rebound next week as the album Everyday Life is released, “Kiss and Tell” by AJ Tracey and Skepta is the only one here that really worries me as it’s out from the debut at #31 (It could still rebound, but perhaps this just isn’t catching on), “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston is okay but it did have a respectable run before dropping out from #34, “G Love” by Krept & Konan featuring Wizkid dropped out from #28 but that song doesn’t exist anyway, neither does “Graveyard” by Halsey out from #40 for that matter. “Break Up Bye Bye” by the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK (Specifically the... Frock Destroyers?) featuring uncredited vocals from Perrie Edwards is out from #35 as expected since the season’s finished, “Look at Her Now” by Selena Gomez monotonously hums its way out of the charts from #39, as does the regrettable “Playing Games” by Summer Walker out from #36, and finally, we have the detestable “Thumb” by M Huncho and Nafe Smallz out off of the debut at #30. I’m frankly kind of disgusted we ever let this chart in the first place.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Better Half of Me” – Tom Walker

Produced by Cam Blackwood and Mark Ralph

We all know singer-songwriter Tom Walker at this point. His debut album, What a Time to be Alive, went #1 and already produced two singles: “You and I” and “Leave a Light On”, both of which are inoffensive, boring guitar-pop fluff. This is his third UK Top 40 hit from this record and I’m not expecting anything close to any good or God forbid interesting from it... and, yeah, I’m right. The song’s a guitar ballad with Tom Walker singing in his nasal voice over some generic instrumental with piano and guitar with no attempt to even make it sound rich. The whole mix sounds really cheap, especially the transition from the pre-chorus into the chorus. Speaking of the chorus, Jesus Christ, Tom, have you been listening to Lewis Capaldi? It’s almost funny how Tom puts so much force into that part and it feels like a really inorganic warble and just sounds pretty gross overall. The lyrics are pretty sweet sometimes, though, I especially like the first verse. Otherwise, yeah, this is boring, milquetoast trash.

#36 – “Pump it Up” – Endor

Produced by Endor

Who’s Endor, you wonder? Well, I was wondering that too, so I looked it up and I found that Endor is a fictional moon in the Star Wars universe, known for its endless forests, savannahs, mountain ranges, and a few oceans. Okay, no, I’m kidding, obviously, but this dude seems pretty obscure, he wasn’t even on my first page of results for the term “Endor”. He’s not from Star Wars, he’s not from the Hebrew Bible, and he’s not a nation from Dragon Quest either. He’s a British house DJ who’s been releasing stuff since 2015 and became a self-proclaimed “Champion of the underground” before finally breaking out in the mainstream with this single released September this year on Defected Records, obviously his first UK Top 40 hit, and I mean it can’t be that bad if he’s latched on for so long with an underground fanbase. I mean, Skream likes him, and I like Skream, so it can’t be that bad.

Well, that wasn’t Skream, but it was interesting. It starts with some crowd cheering and the main hook coming in, which is delivered in a fun way (It kind of has to be, it’s just “Pump it up, you’ve got to pump it up, don’t you know?” for two and a half minutes), before the drums and the keys come in, and then the bass, and slowly it becomes a pretty fun, vibrant banger, with a pretty anti-climactic first drop but the way the 808 (or in this case, possibly 909) is modulated here is especially cool, and I love the cheesy Eurodance synths in the drop as well, and the second drop has a cool glitchy effect I really like. This isn’t bad at all, in fact I’d argue it’s pretty good house, it’s just that I wish there was more stakes here, because it just feels weak and at times empty.

#34 – “Gangsta” – Darkoo and One Acen

Produced by AJProductions

Okay, well, I’ve actually briefly heard this song on the radio, but I don’t know who Darkoo is, so naturally, I had to do some research again, and I found out she’s a female singer and rapper in the same vein as her male contemporaries who makes UK trap or drill music (I can’t really tell the difference a lot of the time if there is one, to be honest). I can’t really find a great comparison off the top of my head to a rapper she resembles in the mainstream currently stylistically, but that shouldn’t matter. Darkoo blew up three months ago with the song “Rover” (or “Keys to My Rover”) and this is her big first UK Top 40 crossover single with One Acen, who we know from their collaborations with people like Hardy Caprio. I believe this is One Acen’s second UK Top 40 hit, though I might be missing one. The most important thing is: is the song any good? And well, it’s okay, but Darkoo doesn’t sound any different from her counterparts, female or male, and has very little character, but to be fair, she’s not exactly helped by this absolute crap guitar beat, with a clap that I’d like to ask a lot of questions, and chipmunk vocals echoing her lazy interpolation of “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey. Darkoo’s vocals have constant stuttering put onto them as well, while One Acen’s vocals are a lot smoother, and don’t sound bad at all, especially the start of the first verse, but I can’t pay attention to anything else when the beat is mixed this awfully that it’s genuinely giving me a headache! The bridge is pretty cool, especially the strings and the gang vocals that elevate it, but everything fades out afterwards and hence it just sticks out like a sore thumb. This outro sounds like someone put a piano beat’s MIDI through a Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time soundfont.

#28 – “Don’t Rush” – Young T & Bugsey featuring Headie One

Produced by GRADES

And that’s all for anything resembling anything other than UK trap (Excluding another upcoming new arrival), as I guess the last song was kind of R&B. Young T & Bugsey are rappers I had a pretty uninteresting first impression with although I liked their second hit single, “Strike a Pose”, as that had a lot of energy and groove, and a pretty great feature from Aitch, who has yet to impress me since if I’m honest. Headie One is someone who I was also initially bored by, but he did win me over with “Both”, a banger I still listen to due to its menacing guitar line and gorgeous soul sample. This is Young T & Bugsey’s third UK Top 40 hit and Headie One’s fourth, and I’m actually expecting some quality here... and well, I have no idea what that 80s-sounding synth and guitar sample is in the intro, but if that’s original, then this producer needs more attention because that sounds fantastic. It just transitions into a pretty dull Afroswing beat though, with none of the groove that “Strike a Pose” had. In fact, this is just “Strike a Pose” again, but now Young T and Bugsey have separate verses instead of one shared verse, and there’s no humour to this one and just feels like a bunch of filler bars. Only one line made me laugh here and I’m not sure if it was even intentional or not, but on their last single, Aitch was hilarious, sure, but both Young T and Bugsey delivered some equally sleazy lines. Here, I’m just bored by everyone, and Young T sticks to one flow for his verse (For the most part). Bugsey shares his verse flow with his chorus, so the whole song just kind of meshes together. Bugsey introducing Headie One with the same grandiose synth riff that was in the intro is a pretty fun idea, but it’s not worth it because Headie One is boring too. At least it’s professionally mixed, which is better than most of the more B-list UK trap that charts in the second half of the top 40.

Edit: Nevermind lol the bass is clipping throughout the chorus. Also realised I never talked about the line that made me laugh. In the first verse, Young T might have interpolated MC Smally and if he hasn’t, he’s used the same inflection and that’s hilarious to me.

#24 – “ROXANNE” – Arizona Zervas

Produced by Jae Green and 94skrt – Peaked at #1 in New Zealand and #27 in the US

Now for our only diversion from UK rap, but still vaguely in hip hop, Arizona Zervas, an R&B singer-songwriter who was starting a humble career before suddenly, TikTok found this song and now he has a global hit single. His live shows are pretty prolific for such a new artist... I am a bit weary of Arizona Zervas being a bit of an industry plant because this song blowing up so quickly is all too convenient, especially considering he got the playlist placement within three weeks. I don’t know, and I don’t care, it’s his first UK Top 40 single. Is it any good? No. I listened to the whole song and just sat there thinking what I could talk about... which is nothing. I guess I like the splashes of guitar and the... oh, for God’s sake, whistling? Sigh, well, the lyrics are questionable at times, and the second verse is pretty obviously ripped off from somewhere, and the guy sounds whiny and infuriating. That glass breaking sound effect is pretty corny as well. Also, Drake did the “Shake and Bake” / Ricky Bobby joke nearly exactly 10 years ago, Zervas, and he didn’t sound nearly as gutless saying it... wow, Drake sounding tougher than you really is an insult. Sidenote, why is “BedRock” five gruelling minutes?

#18 – “Down Like That” – KSI featuring Rick Ross, Lil Baby and S-X

Produced by S-X

From here on out, we only have British hip hop to talk about and now this is a name I didn’t expect to see... YouTuber and semi-professional boxer KSI, who after winning against Logan Paul, stated he would be working more on his music (He said this in a Good Morning Britain interview with Piers Morgan, by the way) and I didn’t expect this so soon, but here it is. It’s not KSI’s first time charting, it’s actually his second UK Top 40 hit after “Lamborghini” peaked at #30 in 2015, but he seems to be taking music more seriously now and without all the nonsense diss tracks he released (most of which genuinely charted), as he’s got his highest-peaking single yet and some pretty high-profile features from Rick Ross and Lil Baby, as well as relatively unknown British rapper S-X, who also produces the track. It’s his first UK Top 40 hit, but Rick Ross has a lot more (The information for this on his discography page is messy, scattered and often non-existent so I’m not bringing up specific numbers) and it’s Lil Baby’s third. I’m not expecting anything great from these guys, but I’d like to be surprised.

I wasn’t. S-X sounds pretty flat against the menacing piano line, especially when he gets into the falsetto but this beat isn’t bad, especially with the distorted vocal sample, although the vocals here are typically pretty muddy, which is expected considering a YouTuber recorded them. KSI is the lead artist but he doesn’t really give much of an impression, although his Dragon Ball Z reference was a nice touch, I guess. Rick Ross comes in with ad-libs about being the biggest in the game, and I always love a M-M-Maybach Music tag but his verse but is non-existent. Lil Baby sounds confused and initially off-beat, with his flow ending up sounding pretty janky, as he also refers to Rick Ross as “the biggest” and his verse sounds like it abruptly stops mid-sentence. Somehow, KSI had the best verse here, as the American rappers didn’t really seem to know how to adapt. Good beat, though.

#15 – “Paper Cuts” – Dave

Produced by Ghosty

I’m tired of writing these introductions at this point, I have to write nine of them and explain everything and... ugh. Okay, this is Dave, we all know him if you read the series, he’s a UK rapper who’s very introspective and typically one of my favourites. This was marketed as the first time he would rap on a drill beat, which has me wondering how well he’ll fare on a track he didn’t actually produce (He usually does self-produce). It’s his first lead single since the #1 album, PSYCHODRAMA, and 15th UK Top 40 hit. I am a bit worried for the upcoming record though, if there is one, as he’s been keeping himself busy with pretty lacklustre features and a mediocre Top Boy soundtrack single. Regardless, is this new song any good? Well, Dave sounds pretty Dave here, talking about his past with his typical flow and contrived wordplay about Anakin from Star Wars and Red Bull, as well as an awfully misguided tangent about Megan Thee Stallion. Dave sounds really awkward here, which is odd as not only is this beat great and eerie but it’s also pretty much in his wheelhouse. This isn’t bad, but I feel there are people who could have made this a lot better and more organic or even just hyped up as the song as it is, it’s a slog and wildly uninteresting, despite only being three minutes. Good beat, though.

#13 – “Netflix & Chill” – Fredo

Produced by Kirk Beats

Fredo? Oh, come on, he’s one of the least interesting guys! Okay, well, he’s a UK rapper all the same and he can be pretty funny and wild when he wants to, like on his #1 hit, “Funky Friday”, with Dave, and even “So High” with MIST where MIST was just dead weight. Overall, I just find him okay most of the time, but it’s his seventh UK Top 40 hit and without any features, I doubt I’ll like this... and you know, maybe I’m wrong actually. This guitar line is pretty slick and the vocal samples are cute here, and the chorus is actually pretty fun with Fredo actually singing for once... although his vocals are awfully punched-in here. Jesus, that sounds unprofessional, but otherwise the trap beat is pretty cool, and his flow in the first verse is constantly switching and his style of casual, careless braggadocio is actually clicking with me here. His second verse is surprisingly long and despite him lazily repeating some of his bars throughout the verse, his bars can be pretty funny. The mixing is strange here, especially vocally, and I left this feeling conflicted if anything. Again – good beat, though.

#5 – “Must Be” – J Hus

Produced by JAE5

Finally, it’s the last song and probably the best one, to be honest, but I’ve already talked about the chart placements and all that nonsense, so let’s discuss the song – because it’s really freaking good! Okay, so perhaps some context here: J Hus is a pioneer of the genre ‘Afroswing’ and a pretty respectable rapper as well, although I personally didn’t like many tracks from his first and so far only studio album Common Sense. In June 2018, Hus was arrested for carrying a knife in Stratford and after changing his plea from not guilty to guilty, served eight months in jail. During this time, he would deliver a verse for Dave on “Disaster”, which is one of both rappers’ best songs. I think the most powerful statement I’ve heard from J Hus is when he was asked why he had a knife, because he responded, pretty simply, “You know, it’s Westfield”.

He was released on 5th April, 2019, to much rejoicing from his fanbase, the British rap community and his colleagues but since his release, he’s actually been pretty scarce – he made a guest appearance hours after release at a Drake show in London, and has done some features for Skepta, MoStack and... Ed Sheeran, but there hasn’t been any solo material until now. This is his massive comeback single, and, yeah, it’s great. Let’s talk about the lyrical subject matter here first and get that out of the way: J Hus is singing about paranoia and trauma he experiences now due to his time in prison and his roots in gang violence, giving him a tough exterior that isolates him from everyone else. Both the chorus and the end of the first verse sum it up pretty well.

If man slip, get up, dust yourself off / Everyone F off, yo

The second verse dives into being “Guilty by association” and with an incredible rhyme scheme, Hus mostly talks about how if someone dares even talk to his enemies, they will become an enemy, and how he doesn’t trust people anymore, but also interesting touches on how young black men struggle to fit into society without resorting to rapping or being a gang member, although he doesn’t do this in a serious manner, and is actually pretty humorous wordplay and just general turn of phrase.

I think he’s an opp, but I need confirmation

All that doesn’t matter if it’s not delivered well... and of course it is, with that groovy bassline and synth embellishes in the intro thanks to JAE5, and a funky trap beat with cute pitch-shifted chipmunk samples and a freaking sax loop just coming in whenever it wants to. In fact, the instrumental feels pretty frantic initially, but the second half of the first verse is just beautiful. After the epic drum fill, some grandiose, sweet-sounding synths come in and it’s just gorgeous. J Hus has a lot of charisma even if he tends to mumble in the first verse, but his voice is just so sonically pleasing to me, man, I could listen to him all day. Well, this is miles ahead of the rest of the rap here, and that outro with the string composition in the background might be one of my favourite musical moments of the year. Welcome back, J Hus. Glad to have you back.

Conclusion

Well, it should be obvious that J Hus is taking Best of the Week for “Must Be”, with Honourable Mention probably going to Endor for “Pump it Up”, although it isn’t that great. Dishonourable Mention goes to Tom Walker for just being boring with “Better Half of Me”, but I think Arizona Zervas is taking Worst of the Week for the sappy, gross “ROXANNE”. I don’t even want to try and make sense of what’ll happen next week. Interestingly, we’re going into the Christmas season with a lot of hip-hop on the chart, although we know most of this won’t survive the Winter and... well, you know what happens in Winter. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[maxfreedmanwrites-blog]

My Favorite Songs of the First Half of 2017, RANKED

This year, I decided, you know what, fuck it? I’m gonna indulge myself. I like talking about music, writing about music, and just generally being able to turn the “oh my god this SONG” in my head into actual coherent prose. This is super informal though, I’m not trying to impress The Journalism Gods™, just doing this for me mostly.  And I’m also really curious how different my end-of-year list will look from this midyear list (and by extension, how my end-of-year list will compare to my end-of-decade list). Also we might all be blown to bits by the end of this year so I just wanted to do this for once okay????

ANYWAY I’m rolling out albums tomorrow, but here’s my songs of the year so far. I’m starting you off with an alphabetical honorable mention section of 10 songs, and then I ranked my top 10 songs. For the honorable mentions, I gave a four word description so that, if you haven’t heard the song, you know whether you might dig it. Then it’s full on WORDS for the ranked top 10. Oh, and did I mention each section has a corresponding Spotify playlist? BOOM

Honorable Mentions

Presented as Artist – Album (Label), and * = I work with this artist; ^ = I previously worked with this artist

Arca – “Desafio” (XL) (weird, beautiful electronic ballad)

Balun – “Teletransporte” (Good Child Music) (entrancing, ambient pop journey)

Blanck Mass – “Silent Treatment” (Sacred Bones) (hell on the dancefloor)

Blessed – “Headache” (Coin Toss Records/Kingfisher Bluez) (art punk with math)

Chelsea Wolfe – “16 Psyche” (Sargent House) (metal, but goth rock)

Fufanu – “Liability” * (One Little Indian) (post-punk in the club)

Leyya – “Zoo” ^ (Las Vegas Records) (sassy, smack-talking deep cut)

Shame – “Tasteless” (Fnord Comms (however, this band just signed to Dead Oceans)) (classic post-punk done modern)

Yoke Lore – “Only You” (Independent Label Alliance) * (late morning sunshine inspiration)

Zola Jesus – “Exhumed” (Sacred Bones) (overwhelming, symphonic electronic drama)

Honorable Mentions playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/126489514/playlist/2AzLWfVloJH07fnmV0QeOE

Ranked Top 10

Playlist at the very bottom

10) Big Thief – “Shark Smile” (Saddle Creek)

You’ll see in my albums list tomorrow that I’ve opted to exclude Capacity, Big Thief’s newest album, from consideration just because it’s so new that I can’t really hold it up to things I’ve been enjoying for much longer, even though it’s pretty fuckin’ goddamn great. I don’t have that dilemma with songs, since they’re much shorter, but either way, “Shark Smile” has been around for at least a month longer than the album, and it hasn’t entirely left my head since I first heard it. Last year, Big Thief’s Masterpiece was #9 on my albums of the year list, and Capacity sees the band moving further inward, far less pop-oriented, as vocalist/songwriter/guitarist Adrianne Lenker explores her formative traumas; “Shark Smile” sounds like Lenker negotiating the space between the sound she wanted to achieve with each album, and it’s overwhelming and amazing. It’s a searing, painfully detailed recollection of a pretty gnarly car accident, its intensity building over the song’s course just as one’s adrenaline might accelerate while they’re in a car going over the guardrail. This is the exact scenario Lenker describes at the song’s peak, when her snarl and the band’s racket come bursting from their seams, overtaking me so strongly I usually play this song three times before moving forward with the rest of the album. “Humans,” from Masterpiece, was in my Top 5 songs last year, and this shit makes that song seem like child’s play.

9) Gabriel Garzón-Montano – “The Game” (Stones Throw)

You could look like a piece of ham growing mold between two pieces of American cheese—which isn’t even real cheese!!—and still be sexy as hell if you were the person behind “The Game.” Jardín, Gabriel Garzón-Montano’s newest album, is rife with nu-soul influence, and “The Game” is its most addicting example of how Garzón-Montano toys with the genre’s pervasive sexuality. It starts by asking its central character why he’s comparing himself to some other guy (some real lame-o, it seems), then tells him he could just roll up with swagger out the ass and have no problems anymore. Musically, it’s a soundtrack to someone running into a casual, heavily seated jazz bar and weaving his way through scores of women—this is very straight music, honestly—hoping to magically recruit one to a sensual dance and follow that with a Miguel-style Coffee In The Morning. I wonder if snarling “now walk like a tangerine” on loop in the club could find me the love of my life…probably not, but that’s because I’m not an architect of lively, jittery soul anthems like this fuckin’ guy.

8) Dream Wife – “Somebody” (Lucky Number Music)

“I am not my body/I’m somebody.” This song came out two months after the Women’s March, yet its chorus could’ve been the basis for so many of the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of signs boldly donned across the world’s major cities. This line is preceded by vocalist Rakel Mjöll’s sarcastic reciting of some dude who doesn’t believe in rape culture’s bullshit justification for some scumbag’s actions—“You were a cute girl standing back stage/it was bound/to happen”—one of the most memorable and clearly audible lyrics to grace rock music recently, perhaps intentionally so because the point of view it’s shitting on is so despicable. Of course, even the most pointed social commentary in music is still music, so it helps that the gently overdriven guitars here are just as natural to latch onto as Mjöll’s chameleonic voice. Dream Wife don’t have to reinvent rock to make it enjoyable; mining its longstanding strengths and not beating around the bush on a frustratingly omnipresent social issue in music do that just fine.

7) Lorde – “Green Light” (Republic)

Melodrama is nearly as good as the hype says, but it’s also a June release (see Big Thief above), and I also don’t always make it past the first track 'cause godDAMN this song is impossible to dislike. “Green Light” is like if the overproduced bullshit “gracing” the airwaves on Top 40 radio had a conscience, seriously great songwriting, and a semi-intentionally clunky lyric or two to give it character (‘she thinks you love the beach/you’re such a damn liar” should’ve been the basis of more memes this year). The chorus is accessible as fuck, and by that I mean, teenage girls, pop critics, electronic fans, and straight up alternative listeners should have no trouble finding catharsis in how that enticing piano bop from the pre-chorus goes full-steam big party singalong in the chorus. Can’t you imagine this song just lighting up diverse folks occupying the same karaoke bar? Don’t you just want to get out of your seat and start dancing every time this song comes on? It’s as graceful and innately thrilling as big-bucks pop gets; even someone as pretentious and picky as myself is absolutely helpless when I hear it.

6) Perfume Genius – “Wreath” (Matador)

“Wreath” trembles throughout its entire, far too short run. There’s a constant shaking, the semblance of a heart beating its very fastest, in these incredibly fascinating synths that are equal parts bony and glitzy. This song is as celebratory as it is uneasy (a pretty apt description for No Shape at large), riveting in its experimental sounds and dramatic vocal delivery. As though Mike Hadreas’ descriptions of sunsets and sunrises demarcating new days weren’t unusually harrowing, the way his voice transforms from a relatively gentle bellow into an all-consuming howl is nothing short of arresting. Does it sound like he gradually shifts from singing the word “grave” to the word “death” in the song’s outro, or is that just me? This is seriously rattling shit, the kind of transformative experience that’ll take you out-of-body for a hot moment before you dive right back into it, because there’s no playing this song just once.

5) Palm – “Walkie Talkie” (Carpark)

Palm’s gotten its finite yet rabid fanbase from its deconstruction and subsequent repair of rock norms. There is no verse-chorus-verse, no common time, no mere sequence of eighth notes with Palm; instead, there are incredibly brainy runs of guitar-drum polyrhythms, passages where the only thing more difficult to trace than the beat is the reason you keep even trying to trace the beat when you know how futile that is. Also, there are flares of dissonant, fanged noise rushing at you from every conceivable angle. 

“Walkie Talkie” is one of Palm’s most compelling runs to date, a portrait of an art-rock band continuing to focus equally on art and rock. Whereas so many new releases depart in some manner, subtle or otherwise, from their predecessors, “Walkie Talkie” doesn’t too fundamentally fuck with Palm’s established domain of janky, demanding noise rock. It’s just another incredibly strong entry into the Palm canon, and since this band has spent its existence doing something that so few other artists are doing, that’s really all we can ask for. And I’m pretty sure the phrase “trading basics,” which is the title of their stellar 2015 album, pops up a couple times on this song, and I don’t remember hearing it ever said on the album. So sometimes sticking with what made you amazing in the first place is the right move.

4) Run the Jewels – “Thursday in the Danger Room (ft. Kamasi Washington)” (self-released)

Literally nobody came to RTJ3 to cry. Everyone who loved RTJ2’s potent mix of absolute bangers and still-necessary, eternally relevant political commentary—it’s honestly so frustrating that, even though we’re having such good conversations and Black Lives Matter has gained serious political weight (and used it amazingly), Philando Castile’s murderer was nevertheless just recently entirely acquitted—came to RTJ3 expecting the same. And they got no less of the commentary, but generally, the album is less bombastic. Not that these are ballads or anything, but holy fuck is “Thursday in the Danger Room” beautifully close to that. (Also, before we go any further, yes this song/album were technically released in 2016 but FUCK IT (also more on this in my albums list tomorrow))

I remember seeing El-P tweet that he and Killer Mike almost left this song off the album since it’s so goddamn personal. El’s verse about watching a friend slowly die—heavily implied to be a battle against something like cancer or another fatal disease—ends with some seriously tear-jerking shit, and then these two have the audacity to throw in a chorus with not just Kamasi Washington’s most solemn sax run to date, but these actual lyrics oh my god:

And I guess I'd say I'll see you soon

But the truth is that I see you now

Still talk to you like you're around

And I guess I say you left too soon

But the truth is that you never left

'Cause I never let myself forget

And then there’s Mike’s verse about a friend he lost to a mugging, and how he tried to help this friend’s family through the emotional and financial turmoil in the fallout. If somehow RTJ2’s tales of police brutality weren’t thoroughly humanizing—“Early” is especially moving—this song right here will slap the shit out of your tear ducts and really get you going. This song is as devastating as it is gorgeous, and I can’t really think of another hip-hop song with the capacity to make me tear up like this one.

3) Kelly Lee Owens – “Anxi (ft. Jenny Hval)” (Smalltown Supersound)

To be perfectly clear: the best song on Kelly Lee Owens is “CBM,” which stands a good shot at making my Top 30 or so Songs of the Decade, but since “CBM” first appeared on last year’s unreal, near-perfect Oleic EP, it doesn’t count for this list. “Anxi” is pretty fucking stellar, though, so I’m actually glad I didn’t have to decide between the two. When I chatted with Kelly Lee Owens for FLOOD Magazine earlier this year, I mentioned to her that she and featured vocalist Jenny Hval have startingly similar voices, and before I could even ask her if that’s something she gets a lot, she went off on how even she remains fascinated by how much the two sound alike. As blasphemous as this is to say, Jenny sounds even more natural on this beat—the year’s best electronic beat, in my opinion—than KLO herself might. “Anxi” is two immensely talented experimentalists bringing out the best in each other.

“Anxi” starts out innocuously enough, with a beat so subtle and murky only Kelly Lee Owens could’ve crafted it. It’s pretty amazing that KLO’s already such a distinct beatmaker this early on in her career, and having Jenny’s voice here—both in singing and spoken word form—makes the beat all the more alluring. Anyone in tune with KLO’s soundalikes—namely, IDM and especially Aphex Twin—might gauge that more is to come, so the handful of chugs that come after Hval wraps up her main appearance aren’t surprising. But that bass-heavy groove that comes in about 10 seconds later? That shit slaps, even though it’s more restrained than about 99% of electronic music. It’s a great example of KLO’s charm: her beats are really, really tightly tethered, yet they’re as body-shaking and freak-out-worthy as something by, say, Grimes or Caribou. “Anxi” is methodical, ominous, and just a fucking banger, even though it’s incredibly quiet. For lack of a better word, it’s magical.

2) (Sandy) Alex G – “Brick” (Domino)

“Brick” is a shitty song, and I mean that as high praise. It’s really just Alex G having a temper tantrum; its lyrics detailing the final stages of a relationship are clunky as shit, and there are moments where it’s just him screaming against a drum machine, and also the guitars are so muddy and loud they’re indistinct, and also these are the exact things I love about it. It verges on being bad by way of just being immature and petulant, but honestly in this era when we all want to punch everything in the face and everything is infuriating, who am I to judge? Instead, when “Brick” comes on, I give in to my visceral, unpretentious senses and go out smashing windows, toppling over newspaper stands, knocking pedestrians to the sidewalk, and lighting shit on fire.

Not actually, but that’s what “Brick” makes me want to do, and I love songs that can make me do that without sounding gross. As I described before, “Brick” should sound gross, overdone, tawdry, and all that, but it somehow finds a perfect balance of aggression and homespun emotion to be an endlessly replayable song. Honestly, I didn’t even know what its lyrics were before I looked them up; I was enthralled enough having a punching bag song, the sort of anthem that can sympathize with me on my bad days, remind me that the world at large sucks on my good days, and drown out the hysteria of the subways on any ordinary day. I’m not really much of a mosh pit guy, but “Brick” brings out the animal in me and makes me want to run headfirst into a crowd of angry showgoers and punch some faces. Everyone’s got some anger in them, and this song brings out the minimal amount that lies in me.

Also, this is essentially a hardcore punk song on Rocket, a country-lite album?! Yooooooooooooo

1) Priests – “JJ” (Sister Polygon)

“JJ” is like “Shut Up Kiss Me” but punk. I just had to say that because it’s me writing this, regardless of any true analogy there might be. But there kind of is one. (Also, yeah this song came out in late October 2016, but it’s the best song on Nothing Feels Natural, which came out in January, don’t @ me).

My eternal “Shut Up Kiss Me” obsession comes from many places: its tongue-in-cheek pop tropes; its catchy-as-hell guitars; its fiery, thrilling vocals; its joke-filled lyricism that can also be taken at face value as wholly serious; its incessant replayability. “JJ” has all this, but in an entirely different context. It’s a post-punk song with surf rock elements infused throughout, and its structure affords some novelties even though it’s mostly familiar terrain; still though, after long enough, the way Katie Alice Greer snarls “When I met you/you were just a bad attituuuuuude!/You dated a model/one time she stuck her finger in a light socket” feels more like an in-joke than a send-up of some bad ex’s even worse ex. “You were just a rich kid/low-life in a very big jacket in a very big way” precedes a diss about the entirely commonplace cigarettes this guy—let’s call him JJ—smokes, and then Katie disses her own cigarette habits before moping, with more than a hint of satirical self-pity, “You thought I was disgusting/You thought I was disgusting.” Of course, this can also be taken as an entirely serious remark, one relating her own self-image issues to this ex’s abusive words. When Katie tells us that “all the jock frat boys” called JJ a “hipster fag,” she’s simultaneously mocking him, mocking herself for dating him, and lambasting the frat culture that allows homophobic slurs to be so commonplace in the first place. As the song moves into its final chant of “Who ever deserved anything, anyway?/what a stupid concept,” it’s just as easy to imagine an angsty teenager shouting this as a friendship ends as it is to envision Katie seriously lamenting the fact that she actually held JJ to any sort of high standards. So yeah, that whole “what’s a joke, and what’s serious?” thing is on full display here.

And then, of course, there’s the music. As tongue-in-cheek pop tropes go, they’re a bit fewer and farther between here than on “Shut Up Kiss Me,” but the assertiveness that Katie presents on what’s a relatively standard structure song fits that mold. G.L. Jaguar’s catchy-as-hell guitars and Katie’s fiery, thrilling vocals and especially the incessant replayability are real as fuck, though. The guitar line that opens the song and later commands its second verse is stupidly catchy, and even when the six-string takes a bit of a backseat, its faint melancholy is pervasive; when guitars introduce the interlude following the second verse, they’re pure firebrand. Katie’s voice throughout is loaded with vibrato and drama, at times veering on parody—“I wrote a bunch of songs for you” sounds like she’s teasing JJ rather than castigating him—and it’s also a stellar fucking performance. Here’s someone who can belt, sing straight from the gut, and mutter introspectively as she sees fit. And you know what’s really great? Everything happening here goes down in under three minutes, so of course you’re gonna hit replay. I’m gonna be listening to this song constantly through the end of the decade, when I expect it’ll crack my Top 10 Songs of the Decade list. “Shut Up Kiss Me” will still be #1, but god I’m happy to have a punk version.

If you think the “Shut Up Kiss Me” comparison is a huge stretch (it definitely is, let’s be real), I have an argument in your favor. I still don’t hear the pianos on “Shut Up Kiss Me” that Angel Olsen details on Song Exploder, even though I’ve listened to that goddamn song like 500 times. Pianos on “JJ”? Everywhere, baby. And they really make all the difference.

Ranked Top 10 playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/126489514/playlist/4gt4kP3aZ5bEJoJNvn6zGH