#i do to im just to scared to admit it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lokh · 4 months ago

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having to paint leggings while they're on ur body is so. -_-

#i can't tell how well im doing 😭😭😭😭 im gonna take it off and its just. messy #and then i cant even take it off once its done cos it needs to dry. -_-#i will admit it looks cool so far. tho im scared to see #what happens once it dries and i need to start like. sitting down etc #god my back hurts. rip

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 1 year ago

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examining your relationship with your art can be fun

but watch out

#examine too hard and you'll have a crisis #or *another crisis if you're like me #sometimes yeah i think about it too hard and then i get the intense prey instinct #to chuck my tablet into a field and then take off sprinting in the other direction #though i know id just come creeping back like a cautious but curious deer. get a little closer. run away #closer. jump back. poke the tablet and run away. come back and poke it again.#its the 'what am i doing? am i doing what i want to do? am i enjoying this? is it hurting me?'#will admit i have these thoughts every other day #ill have like a good bit of fully enjoying art & what im scribbling #and then suddenly ill wake up the next day and its terrifying and Too Much and huh??? HUH???#i want to draw but im so so scared <3 but im being sooooo brave about it <3 #anyway i think we should all destroy our electronics and run screaming into the woods #OH MY GOD SOON I CAN DO THAT.#not the electronics - i mean the running into the woods part #oh im so excited. when its all too much i can just walk in nature with no one around #that Will fix me! for sure!#when the Art Fear™️ comes back i can just... go away for a few hours and touch some motherfucking grass #AND MAYBE FORAGE SOME CHICKEN OF THE WOODS. I AM DYING TO HARVEST WILD CHICKEN OF THE WOODS.#LITERALLY HAS BEEN A LIFE GOAL FOR YEARS NOW #when the Art Fear™️ creeps in i can get some big chickeney mushrooms and cook em up. refresh my soul....#absolutely unprompted #but yeah sometimes i wonder if im drawing for myself or others. like drawing for others is fine but... i think there's a fine line #am i balancing it? am i Indulging enough? am i doing what i want to do enough???#are my people-pleaser tendencies consuming me again? am i feeling Pressure? hm. yeah its crisis time #am i living how i want. am i enjoying how i want. am i interacting with welcome home the way i want to.#i think im going to go do the dishes....

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entering--hyperspace · 3 months ago

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Cannot imagine whatever is going on through Mr Leonard Echowatcher's head. You spend your life yearning for a world where you lived differently, where the day wasnt soaked in war, blood, and battle. Where you could envision a future where you have a partner and a family with friends to live gracefully with. But then you are given such opportunities only to find you were never taught to be gentle, you have a gentle, empathetic nature and yet the physicality of it is a stranger to you. You are expected to raise a child with gentle hands so that she saves the world, What does that even mean? How can you accept your growing love for your friend when you were never taught how to love, that intimate love is a luxury best left forgotten, there are no need for such things in war. He has to learn to become the things he wanted bc he grew too old to develop it naturally. He becomes a father to taimi fumbling his way into learning how to care and parent, he is defensive of Aurene bc he is from a culture where they arent expected to raise their own young and yet has to do so with a dragon. It feels like a test, He has to prove both to others and to himself he is capable of being a father, of nuturing, that calloused, stained hands can still be gentle. He has to accept that love is a terrifying leap of faith in vulnerability in order to gain a partnership that is considered a rarity. I love the idea that he spent 30 years yearning for things he thought he would never have and when he is actually given those opportunities (albeit admittedly through unusual circumstances) he has to learn how to actually live in them, becuase they were always just Concepts until now. Ohhhh my god Mr. Leo you are my everything

#rambling about my guy at 3am #its so so sos so important to leo's lore that he wishes he had freedom from the legions while still being inherently loyal to them bc he #cannot break the loyalty that is so fervent in his culture's belief so he doesnt leave and instead tries to be the change he wants to see #in savoring life and preventing reckless deaths and maybe one day allowing for more connections between the charr re their relationships #while also battling with the fact now that he has these chances hes not actually prepared for him #hes defensive about Aurene and he takes a while to admit his feelings for rytlock because of these #does this makes sense me shaking the camera do you see my vision he makes me insane #hes so tired hes sooooo tired but theres this constant weight on him at all times its just not a world ending one but a personal one #javi gw2 #leonard echowatcher #this isnt even ABOUT being diallusioned with how the legions disregard lige and treat their soldiers as a numbers game bc thats an entire #different problem this is just abt his more personal struggles.#god i remember describing all his interactions with rytlock (intimacy wise) were all very passionate bc he didnt know how to allow himself #to be vulnerable and gentle #or rather hes scared to be bc its not natural to him #so when they see each other again and leo IS more gentle with him in private that is a huuuge deal #also im definitely not conflating romantic and platonic relationships bc those can be just as important #so im directly speaking about more intimate relationships or regarding whatever leo viewed himself wanting #which was like a partner and a family #sound the alarm this hardened soldier secretly dreams of a domestic fantasy he will never have #is esentially what it is #leo was made to be bbq dad who cleans gravestones and plants flowers for the feceased and is forced into [the entire plot of gw2]#sorry im rambling okay bye

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schizononagesimus · 3 months ago

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🎶 they tried to make me go to rehab and i said PLEASE PLEASE HOLY FUCK I FEEL SO BAD WILL NOBODY HELP ME I CANT STOP WHY DOESNT ANYBODY NOTICE HOW BAD IT IS PLEASE HELP

#IM SUCH A LIGHTWEIGJT NOW AND I FEEL SO STUPID I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FINE I CAN HANDLE IT WHAT'S ONE BEER YOU CAN DO IT YOU LIKE BEER #AND I HAVENT HAD WATER OR EATEN ALL DAY AND IM LIKE WHEEEE I KEPT MY TAB OPEN (DUMBASS) ORDER A SECONS #even a second is too much #i cant stop #like actually i dont know what to do bc i know even if i went to rehab WHICH I CANT AFFORD AND NONE OF MY FAMILY WILL HELP i just would #return to the same shit bc no matter how sober i get i cant stop bc that's how fucking addiction works #and im too scared to tell anyone i actually need help #the people who know i need help are just judging me and watching me fall into this fucking pit #i dont know what to do #im just gonna pass out drunk now #i hate feeling like this it's so fucking humiliating #i dont even like it #and im admitting defeat to WHAT? A LITTLE GLASS OF JUICE? YOURE KIDDING ME #prolific linguistics researcher and author cant stop.. why do we always treat academics like we're the pinnacle of society #im fucking awful man im a schizophrenic with an addiction problem #but im so much more than that! anyone who knows me knows that! but i cant stop #i want to stop #and im trying and then every few months I think ive tried enough and i expect it to go away but that's how the cravings trick you #fuck this man #drugs tw #sobriety update #lessons of the hand and the mouth

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purpurussy · 4 months ago

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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how-the-feathers-have-fallen · 1 year ago

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Me, fighting tooth and nail against my irl friends who are sw*fties: yeah well, maybe I want my sad girl music to have a 3 minute guitar solo and distorted audio after the second verse of vaguely gay lyrics have you considered that ?!

#admit it if pete wentz's lyrics were sung by some white woman to plain ass slow piano music with max 3 cords yall would eat that shit up #but heaven forbid it be layered and/or vocally/musically compelling with a decibel count over 65.2 #or not sung by a climate criminal trying to sound emotional or weepy but actually sounds constipated 💀#icarus' random screaming #icarus' burning life stories #anti taylor swift #im probably slicing my palm open for a demonic ritual in shark infested waters by doing this but oh well #pete wentz #fall out boy #icarus falls out #not even just fall out boy. I'll put on the tamest led zepplin or rage against song i can find and they look at me like 😶😣😖😨😰😱😵#i put on eat your young they ASK then i try explain the critique of war profiteering/capitalism and theyre like silly ***** readin too deep #LIKE YOU ASKED. I KEPT IT SO SIMPLE. YOUR FELLOW SWIFTIES LOVE THIS SHIT WTF #im scared to try and bring up mitski (esp. working for the knife/best american girl) lest i kill my own friends #like they're not insane conspiracy swifities and i love them dearly but they're fundamentally tiktok youth gen z and im... not :/#and im fine with it we joke and laugh about it and poke fun at each other for it but sometimes i feel so alienated #not on purpose. not by them. but i look at em and they look like test tube babies (not mean).#they look to me like what ginny & georgia looks like to them. too polished too stylised too... Just So #sometimes they look like the same lifeless tiktok copy and pasted and it scares me #im trying to remember that post about how tiktok thirst traps and general posts are so set up and stilted they look sexless #and robotic #anyway #the generational gap between me and my fellow teens/young adults 💀💀💀

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skitskatdacat63 · 2 years ago

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2023 Miami Grand Prix - Qualifying - Fernando Alonso(ft. Sergio Perez & Carlos Sainz)

#every race wknd is just a weekly meeting of NFA(nandofucker anonymous)#this old man kills me on the weekly how am i supposed to work under these conditions??????#i ove seeing everyone on my dash(me most of all all) just having a joint mental breakdown #im actually shaking rn im so excited and happy #i combusted mentally about 5 times today that 12oz summer edition rb is really puttin its work in #i listened to 'everything she wants' by wham while making these i think its fitting for how i feel about nando LMAO #p2!! front row guys!!! not to jinx it but this could be his race!!!#i love max and charles but im not unfraid to admit i yelled *some things* at my screen i will not disclose #im so scared fro tmr #fernando pls you could do an amazing thing tmr im praying #fernando alonso #carlos sainz #carlos sainz jr #checo perez #sergio perez #2023 miami gp #2023 miami grand prix #fa14 #we do a little bit of f1 #f1 #formula 1 #formula one

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lottieurl · 3 months ago

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controversial but like ill say like oh im aware things are subjective like humor and taste and such and i "believe" that but to be honest i just think what i find funny is funny and what i don't find funny isn't funny. like we just say all that out of politeness and the kindness in our hearts right? cause like no i don't believe you heard this song thought it sounds like dog farts and went oh so lovely how we are all so different and thus can find beauty in so many different things like you fucking did not you think it's objectively bad and you are baffled. be honest. and then on the other end of the spectrum are those posts that are like i love some bad music sometimes like is it the self consciousness and an attempt at not admitting what you enjoy to avoid being the subject of mockery cause no i don't believe you think it's bad that's your most listened to song of the month clearly you're enjoying it

#this has absolutely no point im half asleep also im just like it feels like people are like #weirdly scared both of admitting they dislike smth sometimes and that they do like it #if youre an adult its just silly. just enjoy what you enjoy i don't think that like 4 layers of post ironic cynism is necessary #again. half asleep so im actually just saying words now

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my-thoughts-and-junk · 5 months ago

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i have to think about chilchuck and laios forever

#random thoughts #dungeon meshi #the fact laios is holding back so much anger and he's the one who chilchuck lets out so much of his anger on #like you've seen how many times he beats on him and degrades him and laios just takes it #they're both holding so many secrets from their party like???#chilchuck's entire personal life. laios's interest in monsters and kensuke.#the fact laios somehow hid his interest in eating monsters from the entire party before this???#laios is estranged from his parents and very close with his sister. chilchuck is estranged from his wife and very close with his daughters #chilchuck thinks laios knows him better than anyone else in the party. chilchuck canonically thinks laios is dangerous and unreasonable #which like? reductive but accurate.#laios holds the lives of those he cherishes above all else. the world could go to hell for all he cares as long as those he loves are safe #chilchuck fears intimacy and could never admit how much he values the people around him unless under severe threat #god. i have to read dungeon meshi again. i need to analyze them #one self-sacrificing dumbass and one self-preserving selfish dumbass #laios has problems putting his needs first when it comes to those he loves. i can easily see that conflicting with chilchucks selfishness #i do think after chilchucks failed marriage he would become more hypervigilant in his relationships once he allows himself to date again #like he doesn't necessarily understand what he did wrong but he knows he did something #god the irony of someone so perceptive failing to recognize his wife's needs #imagining chilchuck recognizing laios is not satisfied by something and he asks him abt it and laios is like 'no im fine dont worry abt me'#like fully sincere. laios is used to denying himself what he needs for others #ran away from home when falin was being mistreated. sacrifices his body in the end when he becomes The Big Guy #suppresses himself to try and make others like him more or at least dislike him less #do you think he'd suppress himself at first when in a relationship with chilchuck out of fear of driving him away #chilchuck's perception vs laios's poor masking fight fight fight #god they both fear each other leaving. laios because he fears being like his father and driving chilchuck away like his dad drove him away #and chilchuck because his wife left him and he didn't fully understand Why.#the fact chilchuck thinks laios should act like more of a leader. do you think he fears becoming a poor leader like his dad?#chilchuck trusts and values laios as a leader and that scaring the shit out of both of them 👌👌👌#this is why they're switches okay

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iwakuraz · 4 months ago

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#cw vent #maybe i stayed up too late but suddenly i feel like crying #like really badly #i tried very hard today #but im still so scared #of everything #im being watched. i am absolutely sure im being watched #i can feel somebodys presence over my shoulder now and they can probably read what im typing #its been like this for so long #and #as im typing this it has been the sixteenth of juky for about two hours #twenty two hours left until my birthday #i will be sixteen #that is scaring me so much #i haven't progressed since i was maybe eleven #i still can't take care of mysekf. i shouldn't ve admitting to this but i genuinely can't do basic actions #i constantly forget to keep my body in a safe state. my hair is so messy. i get tok focused on other stuff and most of the time i just #forget to shower #i am genuinely so disgusting and unhygienic. i know this and want to fix it #but also.. i just wish i was like just an internet person #if i didn't have to eat or maintain my body i think id be a much happier person #im scared #how can i possibly be turning 16. i haven't even learnt how to eat food yet #most meals i can't eat without gagging or feeling like vomiting #i don't know why im typing all this out #for a while i was okay with it being my birthday soon. because i thought i would finally get attention and love from others #but im starting to realise that probably will not be happening #:[#why am i typing this out. my head hurts #and im gonna die

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grntaire · 5 months ago

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am i a gay dude? am i a lesbian? am i genderfluid + pansexual? the world may never know!

#i’m not too pressed about knowing either but like. part of me is like well maybe i’m just a dude and scared to admit it #but then also like no i don’t?#i barely want to be a person who gives a fuck about gender #but i feel my hottest when i feel feminine?#but do i want to be a fem guy actually? idk #men are can be so psychologically sexy to me but i have no interest in actually doing anything e them #but then my whole relationship w sex is weird lately i am def in an abstinence era #it’s been almost a year tho i do feel like im wilting away </3 #anyways.#personal

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weather-phenomenon · 2 months ago

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scared to get everything ive ever wanted bc what is a human without a burning desire fr

#cloud nonsense #no like i think im scared to be satisfied #or rather to settle #to admit well those things are not going to happen #but u wanted these things too n u got them so they make up for what u cant hv n now everything is solved #thinking abt max saying he's just content where he's at in life n sounding like it was really true #n i mean we dont see the whole picture ofc but from what we do yh he's right #shitpost #shitposting

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cs-oc-blank-random-posts · 1 month ago

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there's a message for someone in the tags

(aimed/tw)

#if you plan on talking bad about me #atleast tell them about what you did.#if you plan in telling everyone how “awful” i am #let me remind you that im not the one who convinced the other that the relationship was normal.#infact i was the one who kept insisting that it was wrong #only thing i did wrong was the fact that i listened to you.#i've moved on from the past events but what you said about me and what you could be telling others about me is implanted in my mind.#i know you said sorry but i never had the heart to accept it. because what you called me was extreme.#i never even met you in real life and you say that about me? that i did that to you??#tell everyone whatever aslong as it's true. im not scared to admit that i've had my wrongs because im no saint in the situation.#but don't you dare pretend like i was the only one who's wrong.#yes you did what you did out of anger. but i always kept mine to myself. im angry but i never told anyone lies about you like you've done.#im genuinely angry and i need to get this out. atleast when im angry i don't spread lies that could harm a person's life #i literally could go to prison because of what you said that never even happened.#whether or not you get this' i still need to get it out #don't you ever speak about me in any way shape or form.#the only times i've ever talked about you was when i had to state my truth on what you perceived.#you don't have the right to say anything about me after the lies you've said #do not bring down my name just to lift yours up.

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dreamspring · 8 days ago

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also i think ive already said this but about people trying to make cassandra wayne a thing. like. i GET it and i respect it but also im sorry it sounds so much worse. ‘umm but cain links her to her abusive father’ well yeah. but have you considered that it sounds cool as fuck…

#like i GET that she has rejected them and thats empowering and stuff but also yay <3 the angst of it all <3 #also. is that so bad. controversial opinion here but lowkey i kind of love not being able to escape ur parents legacy and shadow and #being the person that they made u. its the shame and guilt u carry the forever association do i look like them. yummy.#mossy posts #dc #sorry. i simply enjoy pain and suffering and cyclical violence. and also generational trauma its very juicy 2 me #shes literally the daughter of cain. the sacrificial lamb. doomed to sin. and you want to CHANGE IT!! could not be me.#i get that its an attempt to rescue her trauma from the narrative and stuff but lowkey. it just sounds much worse and removes #something which i think is narratively compelling. like i get and respect it once again... but its just not for me.#also. can we be real and admit that bruce’s behaviour towards cass is like. abusive also in a different and lesser way #furthermore. no one else is changing their name after adoption so i don’t understand why she should? why can’t she just. reclaim it #as her own?#and again it just sounds BAD! im sorry!!!!#scared i will get crucified for this.#cassandra cain

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tamagotchikgs · 7 months ago

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i did end up coming extremely close to passing out after doing the starting stretches and maybe,,, 6 ? moves in the air :( so i had to go sit down n then i threw up whihc was very embarrassing but i dont think anyone noticed since it was around the corner in the garbage. im sad i had to miss out on another day tho ,,,,,,,, also,,, i feel like such a failure. i only got like 4 classes in before my ab injury n now this o(-< the instructor told me twice it's good i know my limits n to follow them and that she's proud of me for coming back but aaa,,,

#also she called me babygirl #whihc normally being misgendered would make me feel humiliated but like u know what. u can. nice lesbian lady ur allowed #she came over when i was sitting down trying my best not to pass out and/or puke again and was like aw are u ok babygirl :(( and i HBJAB...#she is so sweet tho even at the end she like split the silks in front of me in a dramatic way ((\o/))and was like HELLO hehe how are u doin #i like her a lot im glad she;s our instructor #the owner is actually very nice to she came up to me & said hi when she arrived #but aa there r soosos many more people this time round and theyre all like in their 40s its so scary #women scare me ill admit it i #LMAO #we have to all share now #i loved the group before when it was just like 2 kids and a few other ppl #the kids were nice n always just having a silly fun time & showed me how to do like a sitting hammock when i couldnt use my abs #i actually think they were like 14-16 but u know

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princekirijo · 1 year ago

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Finally graduated haha let's go 🥹

#im scheduling this when the ceremony is over just cause #but yeah um wow. can't believe it actually #desperately trying not to cry while typing this haha thing hasn't even started #but i think this is the first time in a while i genuinely feel proud of myself. like fuck me i did it #4 years was a wild ride but here i am!! and yeah im scared about the future but rn im just here with my paper #i also realized that yeah ive been on Tumblr as long as ive been in uni #which is crazy can't believe ive been on here for 4 years (roughly)#but for all the shit that i dislike about this site and as much as it drives me nuts #i do wanna say ive met some wonderful people on here! ive made some friends 🥹#and yeah i haven't kept up with all of them something im so so guilty about #but i wouldn't be where i am without this blog like unironically #so yeah thank you gay people in my phone you've helped me a lot. more than i care to admit #hope y'all have a great day <33 #thanks for reading my sappy ass tags on Tumblr 😅

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