#i do to im just to scared to admit it
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having to paint leggings while they're on ur body is so. -_-
#i can't tell how well im doing 😭😭😭😭 im gonna take it off and its just. messy#and then i cant even take it off once its done cos it needs to dry. -_-#i will admit it looks cool so far. tho im scared to see#what happens once it dries and i need to start like. sitting down etc#god my back hurts. rip
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Cannot imagine whatever is going on through Mr Leonard Echowatcher's head. You spend your life yearning for a world where you lived differently, where the day wasnt soaked in war, blood, and battle. Where you could envision a future where you have a partner and a family with friends to live gracefully with. But then you are given such opportunities only to find you were never taught to be gentle, you have a gentle, empathetic nature and yet the physicality of it is a stranger to you. You are expected to raise a child with gentle hands so that she saves the world, What does that even mean? How can you accept your growing love for your friend when you were never taught how to love, that intimate love is a luxury best left forgotten, there are no need for such things in war. He has to learn to become the things he wanted bc he grew too old to develop it naturally. He becomes a father to taimi fumbling his way into learning how to care and parent, he is defensive of Aurene bc he is from a culture where they arent expected to raise their own young and yet has to do so with a dragon. It feels like a test, He has to prove both to others and to himself he is capable of being a father, of nuturing, that calloused, stained hands can still be gentle. He has to accept that love is a terrifying leap of faith in vulnerability in order to gain a partnership that is considered a rarity. I love the idea that he spent 30 years yearning for things he thought he would never have and when he is actually given those opportunities (albeit admittedly through unusual circumstances) he has to learn how to actually live in them, becuase they were always just Concepts until now. Ohhhh my god Mr. Leo you are my everything
#rambling about my guy at 3am#its so so sos so important to leo's lore that he wishes he had freedom from the legions while still being inherently loyal to them bc he#cannot break the loyalty that is so fervent in his culture's belief so he doesnt leave and instead tries to be the change he wants to see#in savoring life and preventing reckless deaths and maybe one day allowing for more connections between the charr re their relationships#while also battling with the fact now that he has these chances hes not actually prepared for him#hes defensive about Aurene and he takes a while to admit his feelings for rytlock because of these#does this makes sense me shaking the camera do you see my vision he makes me insane#hes so tired hes sooooo tired but theres this constant weight on him at all times its just not a world ending one but a personal one#javi gw2#leonard echowatcher#this isnt even ABOUT being diallusioned with how the legions disregard lige and treat their soldiers as a numbers game bc thats an entire#different problem this is just abt his more personal struggles.#god i remember describing all his interactions with rytlock (intimacy wise) were all very passionate bc he didnt know how to allow himself#to be vulnerable and gentle#or rather hes scared to be bc its not natural to him#so when they see each other again and leo IS more gentle with him in private that is a huuuge deal#also im definitely not conflating romantic and platonic relationships bc those can be just as important#so im directly speaking about more intimate relationships or regarding whatever leo viewed himself wanting#which was like a partner and a family#sound the alarm this hardened soldier secretly dreams of a domestic fantasy he will never have#is esentially what it is#leo was made to be bbq dad who cleans gravestones and plants flowers for the feceased and is forced into [the entire plot of gw2]#sorry im rambling okay bye
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update post or somethingggg im feeling a lil bit better. antidepressants are WORKING 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 (i still don't think i'll be active anytime soon tho. ssorry guys i promise i love you but being online is very overwhelming for me rn)
anyway why is he so pretty. gives him a kith
#also im going to an aquarium tomorrow :) going to take ratio and sunday plushies with me..#i won't take them out of my backpack tho. too scared to drop them also aquariums here are always so crowded#also sobbing ordered more sunday things today (i am not doing great financially.) and mom was like#'hey why do you buy only stuff with him' AND I JUST WENT '.. b-because i love him. h-he's a good boy'#AHAJSJKDKDKDK i just need more stuff for the sunday shrine <3#i have a lot of hsr faves and i have to admit!! im a lil scared of sunday becoming just sort of.#like i'll simply love him and main him but he would just UHHHHH HOW DO I EXPLAIN#like im afraid he'll go from “AJAKSKDODOKAOJDOSKSKD!!!!” fave to “oh yeah he's nice :)” fave#but um!!! it's okay!!! i love all of my faves in different ways... all of them are precious to me...#a-anyway. bye again#[ 💚 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬 ]
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i miss being excited about him actually :c
#it's definitely been awhile#ill admit. i felt kinda scared that i was so quick to put him on the back of my mind#but i hope im just experiencing the same thing where i go dormant for a while but come back excitedly#(ie tom and norton kinda experience)#looking at all the merch i bought for him made me smile#~ rambling#I don't want to force it either - if he comes to me. he comes#norton and secret fav are rotating on my mind lately and there's not much i can do but ride along w it u_u
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🎶 they tried to make me go to rehab and i said PLEASE PLEASE HOLY FUCK I FEEL SO BAD WILL NOBODY HELP ME I CANT STOP WHY DOESNT ANYBODY NOTICE HOW BAD IT IS PLEASE HELP
#IM SUCH A LIGHTWEIGJT NOW AND I FEEL SO STUPID I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FINE I CAN HANDLE IT WHAT'S ONE BEER YOU CAN DO IT YOU LIKE BEER#AND I HAVENT HAD WATER OR EATEN ALL DAY AND IM LIKE WHEEEE I KEPT MY TAB OPEN (DUMBASS) ORDER A SECONS#even a second is too much#i cant stop#like actually i dont know what to do bc i know even if i went to rehab WHICH I CANT AFFORD AND NONE OF MY FAMILY WILL HELP i just would#return to the same shit bc no matter how sober i get i cant stop bc that's how fucking addiction works#and im too scared to tell anyone i actually need help#the people who know i need help are just judging me and watching me fall into this fucking pit#i dont know what to do#im just gonna pass out drunk now#i hate feeling like this it's so fucking humiliating#i dont even like it#and im admitting defeat to WHAT? A LITTLE GLASS OF JUICE? YOURE KIDDING ME#prolific linguistics researcher and author cant stop.. why do we always treat academics like we're the pinnacle of society#im fucking awful man im a schizophrenic with an addiction problem#but im so much more than that! anyone who knows me knows that! but i cant stop#i want to stop#and im trying and then every few months I think ive tried enough and i expect it to go away but that's how the cravings trick you#fuck this man#drugs tw#sobriety update#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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Me, fighting tooth and nail against my irl friends who are sw*fties: yeah well, maybe I want my sad girl music to have a 3 minute guitar solo and distorted audio after the second verse of vaguely gay lyrics have you considered that ?!
#admit it if pete wentz's lyrics were sung by some white woman to plain ass slow piano music with max 3 cords yall would eat that shit up#but heaven forbid it be layered and/or vocally/musically compelling with a decibel count over 65.2#or not sung by a climate criminal trying to sound emotional or weepy but actually sounds constipated 💀#icarus' random screaming#icarus' burning life stories#anti taylor swift#im probably slicing my palm open for a demonic ritual in shark infested waters by doing this but oh well#pete wentz#fall out boy#icarus falls out#not even just fall out boy. I'll put on the tamest led zepplin or rage against song i can find and they look at me like 😶😣😖😨😰😱😵#i put on eat your young they ASK then i try explain the critique of war profiteering/capitalism and theyre like silly ***** readin too deep#LIKE YOU ASKED. I KEPT IT SO SIMPLE. YOUR FELLOW SWIFTIES LOVE THIS SHIT WTF#im scared to try and bring up mitski (esp. working for the knife/best american girl) lest i kill my own friends#like they're not insane conspiracy swifities and i love them dearly but they're fundamentally tiktok youth gen z and im... not :/#and im fine with it we joke and laugh about it and poke fun at each other for it but sometimes i feel so alienated#not on purpose. not by them. but i look at em and they look like test tube babies (not mean).#they look to me like what ginny & georgia looks like to them. too polished too stylised too... Just So#sometimes they look like the same lifeless tiktok copy and pasted and it scares me#im trying to remember that post about how tiktok thirst traps and general posts are so set up and stilted they look sexless#and robotic#anyway#the generational gap between me and my fellow teens/young adults 💀💀💀
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2023 Miami Grand Prix - Qualifying - Fernando Alonso(ft. Sergio Perez & Carlos Sainz)
#every race wknd is just a weekly meeting of NFA(nandofucker anonymous)#this old man kills me on the weekly how am i supposed to work under these conditions??????#i ove seeing everyone on my dash(me most of all all) just having a joint mental breakdown#im actually shaking rn im so excited and happy#i combusted mentally about 5 times today that 12oz summer edition rb is really puttin its work in#i listened to 'everything she wants' by wham while making these i think its fitting for how i feel about nando LMAO#p2!! front row guys!!! not to jinx it but this could be his race!!!#i love max and charles but im not unfraid to admit i yelled *some things* at my screen i will not disclose#im so scared fro tmr#fernando pls you could do an amazing thing tmr im praying#fernando alonso#carlos sainz#carlos sainz jr#checo perez#sergio perez#2023 miami gp#2023 miami grand prix#fa14#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula 1#formula one
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the end of exams has been the biggest goal for me to get to for a couple of months but now it's here i'm realising everything is still awful even if i don't have to study for hours on end
#this is the inevitable post-exam exhaustion situation tbh#i told myself i'd sort it all out once they were over but i still can't respond to my parents. ventposting because my dad just tried to cal#btw#cant pick up#i'm so tired#just seeing his name on my phone screen makes me so scared and sad like i was all christmas but if i tell him that who knows what he'll do#probably shout at me#or tell me it's painful for him to hear and make me feel so guilty#or ignore me for a week then i'll worry he's dead#im so so scared that he thinks i don't want to talk to him or don't care and that's why i'm not responding#idk what he'll do if he gets too deep in that belief#and i want to respond and act all happy so he knows it's not true#but i can't#and my mum . :/#she's always been my mother who i love above anything else but now she's just a reminder of everything and i can't stand it#need to get away from them pls i wish i could tell them to leave me alone without the inevitable paranoia my dad will kill himself#and my mum will neglect herself#as she's admitted to doing because i didn't talk to her for 2 days#as i know my dad does too just because he doesn't care#and now i'm the worst person in the world because i can't reply and be all cheerful despite knowing these things#can't even chat to my housemates smh i fucked that up too#i'm too autistic to hold a conversation no matter how badly i want to#glad i'm not going out tonight wow#it would have gone SO badly#tw vent#i guess#got to stop this jfc
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i have to think about chilchuck and laios forever
#random thoughts#dungeon meshi#the fact laios is holding back so much anger and he's the one who chilchuck lets out so much of his anger on#like you've seen how many times he beats on him and degrades him and laios just takes it#they're both holding so many secrets from their party like???#chilchuck's entire personal life. laios's interest in monsters and kensuke.#the fact laios somehow hid his interest in eating monsters from the entire party before this???#laios is estranged from his parents and very close with his sister. chilchuck is estranged from his wife and very close with his daughters#chilchuck thinks laios knows him better than anyone else in the party. chilchuck canonically thinks laios is dangerous and unreasonable#which like? reductive but accurate.#laios holds the lives of those he cherishes above all else. the world could go to hell for all he cares as long as those he loves are safe#chilchuck fears intimacy and could never admit how much he values the people around him unless under severe threat#god. i have to read dungeon meshi again. i need to analyze them#one self-sacrificing dumbass and one self-preserving selfish dumbass#laios has problems putting his needs first when it comes to those he loves. i can easily see that conflicting with chilchucks selfishness#i do think after chilchucks failed marriage he would become more hypervigilant in his relationships once he allows himself to date again#like he doesn't necessarily understand what he did wrong but he knows he did something#god the irony of someone so perceptive failing to recognize his wife's needs#imagining chilchuck recognizing laios is not satisfied by something and he asks him abt it and laios is like 'no im fine dont worry abt me'#like fully sincere. laios is used to denying himself what he needs for others#ran away from home when falin was being mistreated. sacrifices his body in the end when he becomes The Big Guy#suppresses himself to try and make others like him more or at least dislike him less#do you think he'd suppress himself at first when in a relationship with chilchuck out of fear of driving him away#chilchuck's perception vs laios's poor masking fight fight fight#god they both fear each other leaving. laios because he fears being like his father and driving chilchuck away like his dad drove him away#and chilchuck because his wife left him and he didn't fully understand Why.#the fact chilchuck thinks laios should act like more of a leader. do you think he fears becoming a poor leader like his dad?#chilchuck trusts and values laios as a leader and that scaring the shit out of both of them 👌👌👌#this is why they're switches okay
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#cw vent#maybe i stayed up too late but suddenly i feel like crying#like really badly#i tried very hard today#but im still so scared#of everything#im being watched. i am absolutely sure im being watched#i can feel somebodys presence over my shoulder now and they can probably read what im typing#its been like this for so long#and#as im typing this it has been the sixteenth of juky for about two hours#twenty two hours left until my birthday#i will be sixteen#that is scaring me so much#i haven't progressed since i was maybe eleven#i still can't take care of mysekf. i shouldn't ve admitting to this but i genuinely can't do basic actions#i constantly forget to keep my body in a safe state. my hair is so messy. i get tok focused on other stuff and most of the time i just#forget to shower#i am genuinely so disgusting and unhygienic. i know this and want to fix it#but also.. i just wish i was like just an internet person#if i didn't have to eat or maintain my body i think id be a much happier person#im scared#how can i possibly be turning 16. i haven't even learnt how to eat food yet#most meals i can't eat without gagging or feeling like vomiting#i don't know why im typing all this out#for a while i was okay with it being my birthday soon. because i thought i would finally get attention and love from others#but im starting to realise that probably will not be happening#:[#why am i typing this out. my head hurts#and im gonna die
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am i a gay dude? am i a lesbian? am i genderfluid + pansexual? the world may never know!
#i’m not too pressed about knowing either but like. part of me is like well maybe i’m just a dude and scared to admit it#but then also like no i don’t?#i barely want to be a person who gives a fuck about gender#but i feel my hottest when i feel feminine?#but do i want to be a fem guy actually? idk#men are can be so psychologically sexy to me but i have no interest in actually doing anything e them#but then my whole relationship w sex is weird lately i am def in an abstinence era#it’s been almost a year tho i do feel like im wilting away </3#anyways.#personal
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scared to get everything ive ever wanted bc what is a human without a burning desire fr
#cloud nonsense#no like i think im scared to be satisfied#or rather to settle#to admit well those things are not going to happen#but u wanted these things too n u got them so they make up for what u cant hv n now everything is solved#thinking abt max saying he's just content where he's at in life n sounding like it was really true#n i mean we dont see the whole picture ofc but from what we do yh he's right#shitpost#shitposting
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controversial but like ill say like oh im aware things are subjective like humor and taste and such and i "believe" that but to be honest i just think what i find funny is funny and what i don't find funny isn't funny. like we just say all that out of politeness and the kindness in our hearts right? cause like no i don't believe you heard this song thought it sounds like dog farts and went oh so lovely how we are all so different and thus can find beauty in so many different things like you fucking did not you think it's objectively bad and you are baffled. be honest. and then on the other end of the spectrum are those posts that are like i love some bad music sometimes like is it the self consciousness and an attempt at not admitting what you enjoy to avoid being the subject of mockery cause no i don't believe you think it's bad that's your most listened to song of the month clearly you're enjoying it
#this has absolutely no point im half asleep also im just like it feels like people are like#weirdly scared both of admitting they dislike smth sometimes and that they do like it#if youre an adult its just silly. just enjoy what you enjoy i don't think that like 4 layers of post ironic cynism is necessary#again. half asleep so im actually just saying words now
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there's a message for someone in the tags
(aimed/tw)
#if you plan on talking bad about me#atleast tell them about what you did.#if you plan in telling everyone how “awful” i am#let me remind you that im not the one who convinced the other that the relationship was normal.#infact i was the one who kept insisting that it was wrong#only thing i did wrong was the fact that i listened to you.#i've moved on from the past events but what you said about me and what you could be telling others about me is implanted in my mind.#i know you said sorry but i never had the heart to accept it. because what you called me was extreme.#i never even met you in real life and you say that about me? that i did that to you??#tell everyone whatever aslong as it's true. im not scared to admit that i've had my wrongs because im no saint in the situation.#but don't you dare pretend like i was the only one who's wrong.#yes you did what you did out of anger. but i always kept mine to myself. im angry but i never told anyone lies about you like you've done.#im genuinely angry and i need to get this out. atleast when im angry i don't spread lies that could harm a person's life#i literally could go to prison because of what you said that never even happened.#whether or not you get this' i still need to get it out#don't you ever speak about me in any way shape or form.#the only times i've ever talked about you was when i had to state my truth on what you perceived.#you don't have the right to say anything about me after the lies you've said#do not bring down my name just to lift yours up.
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doing my homework alone in my room asking myself what am i even doing
#its my fault im alone rn bc i chose to be but damn. i dont want to be alone anymoreeeee#its okay i just need to finish my homework and then i can do whatever#but. my mom called and asked if i was okay and i almost started crying. so thats how thats going ig#told her i was fine and maybe it was a little.bit of a lie but also i can never tell how im actually feeling or if im just being dramatic#kinda scared to admit it but i do not enjoy being in school. im going to finish my degree obv but like nothing about this makes me feel good#the only good thing is my friends and like the skill im building in animation#everything else makes me feel like garbage#i need to start eating more and sleeping more and hanging out with my friends more but there is an evil thing in my way called school#turns out ppl werent lying when they said art school is soul sucking#im just being negative ill be fine tomorrow
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