#i do think people were being rude and ableist about a bunch of it but that happens with all discourse

[girlcalledwhatsername]

Tumblr really does have a whole other kind of discourse going at any time, we're really all talking about going to the club and what it means to go to the club and whether it's a place of vices or whether people are lame and boring for not going to the club, this is like, the talk of the town when a club opens for the first time in a small town and everyone is sharing opinions on that

[lifeless-discodancer]

You know how sometimes in DE fics when Kim transfers to precint 41 he and Harry don't get partnered together but instead Kim gets parnered with Judit and Harry stays with Jean?

Something i've never seen before is Judit becoming Harry's partner and Jean becoming Kim's wich like i get it, it sounds like the worst possible outcome but i think it would be so funny to read because on one hand we have Judit who has been working at C wing for only two months and who, based purely on the small amount of knowledge we have about her personality, is probably the epitome of the boring cop archetype, getting paired with Harry who will not leave her rest or leave her alone and will probably drag her into a bunch of weird shit and stereo investigations; and on the other, funnier hand we have Kim who above all appreciates a professional work relationship and who is also the number one champion of the holding grudges contest, and Jean who is honestly a huge asshole, incapable of forming any relationship that isn't codependent and who already left a weird (bad) impression on Kim by not doing his job for days and subjecting him and two other people to watch his public break up with Harry (also he came second in the holding grudges contest).

So this leaves us with:

Judit in the same position as the little girl who gets sat next to the loudest boy in class with the hope that she will be a good influence on him, except that she's not a little girl she's an adult cop with kids of her own that keeps getting asked to babysit other adult cops probably because she's the only woman in the unit. And i'm not saying this in a "Judit is the team mom" sense but in a "her workplace is so fucking misogynist" one. [Actually, now that i think about it this could be a good opportunity to explore the sexual harasment she experienced at the hands of her last partner, as well as her experience and the expectations her superiors and coworkers have of her, and the ones she has of herself, because she's the only woman in a male dominated workplace and (and a female cop on top of it (notice the emphasis on cop)) that she can't really fulfill because of the kind of person she is (a very normal, passive and tired kind of person). Also i think Harry would work nicely as parallel to her last partner. Where's the fic about it?]

Kim and Jean who already started on the wrong foot back in Martinaise even if none of them knew it at the moment. For them i can only imagine the most passive agresive partnership to ever exist but probably at the start of it they were doing their best to keep things civil. Jean was trying because, even if he thinks Kim is "bewitched by the shitkid", he's working with a decorated police lieutenant and, at least in his own mind, he's a very professional officer and he has to leave a good impression of himself and the C wing (he's definitely not doing that); Kim was trying because at first he didn't have much of an opinion on Jean (he swears) and, since he was complaining so much about Harry's work he thought Jean would at least have a good work ethic and be professional, also he too wanted to leave a good impression on his new coworkers. Of course the niceties went to shit the second one of them opened their mouth to say something that wasn't completely work related (it was like a game of chicken for days, weeks maybe, who will be the first to set fire to this perfectly normal, totally no filled with masked mutual annoyance, work partnership (it was Jean)). After that they argue like a couple of old ladies, and sometimes Kim thinks "maybe Jean is not that bad" but then Jean says something rude, or ableist, or homophobic or just something about Harry that Kim can't agree with, and then he dislikes him again, other times Jean thinks "maybe the lieutenant and i are finally understanding eachother" but then Kim will start lecturing him about something with the most condescending tone, or he'll drive his car like he's being followed by a missile, or give him a nasty side eye when he sees him taking drugs or even worst, he'll defend the shitkid when he's "rightfully" mad with him, and then he dislikes him again. This keeps for the entire duration of their partnership.

Harry is probably just a bit bummed out because he and Kim won't be partners anymore but he will try his best to not say that to Judit (he's a feminist after all), still he has to recover quickly from the disappointment since he has some real shit to worry about now (Shit like: I have to pay rent to my landlord?!!? How do i get into my bank account? Do i even have a bank account? Wait, who's my landlord? And other questions you would probably have too if you ever got amnesia that severe). He complains to Judit about not having Kim as a partner and Judit is rightfully offended but doesn't say anything (poor woman give her a break). He spends the entire duration of that partnership dragging Judit around Jamrock in side quests while she tries, unsuccessfully, to get him back on their current cases (he does not listen to her because he's a shit feminist), still he comes around to finish the original cases eventually (Harry apologizes a lot for not listening to her, Judit tells him it's fine because she's honestly so tired and it's so awkward(if she goes home to find even more work she's going to implode)). I think that with some time they would figure out how to work together, more or less, and they would have a pretty stable partnership.

Idk how to end this. I just thought it would be a fun idea and suddenly i blacked out and woke up with a small esay in front of me. I hope you enjoyed this.

[infiniteglitterfall]

okay first of all, the Tumblr myth that saying the emotional abuse you're receiving made you suicidal is a guilt trip? we need to burn that to the ground.

that's bog-standard DARVO: pushing someone till they snap, then acting as if their reaction to abuse is what's actually abusive.

The accessibility analogy doesn't apply here, because if an employee's job is to go through customer feedback, they are in customer service and/or tech support. They can't change the ad department policies, or the code that affects accessibility, or the blacklisted tags.

In the analogy, it would be as if you changed your blog and someone else asked people what they thought, and then everyone screamed at them to fix it and told them they were garbage.

But also... if you made your blog really inaccessible, it still wouldn't be okay to be shitty to you.

It might be understandable. We all reach a breaking point sometimes with things like, idk, the entire world being deliberately or accidentally set up to constantly reject us and make us feel like we shouldn't even exist.

It's just that "it's understandable to snap and lash out at someone for subjecting us to the latest example of that" isn't the same as "it's okay to lash out at them."

Emotional abuse is really fucking rampant. I think most of us grow up minimizing it whenever it happens to us, and blaming and guilt-tripping ourselves for even experiencing it. Not to mention for its effects on us.

Which makes it really, really common to feel like it shouldn't harm others. Like whatever we're saying to them, however we say it, is their problem, and they should just suck it up and deal with it. And like it's a valid, useful tool in general.

Which is why the notes on this post are absolutely full of people minimizing suicide, suicidality, and emotional abuse. And generally assuming that nothing we're sending has been that bad, but that it wouldn't really matter if it were.

Personal fave:

Hey, everybody! If you've never experienced the magic of Tumblr users dogpiling on someone with absolutely foul personal attacks, good!!

Just step aside! Recognize that you don't have the experience to form a judgment about the likelihood that a staff member who has to read feedback from angry Tumblr users is reading things awful enough to make them suicidal!

Instead, the entire collective vibe in the notes is, "We should all say whatever we want to them: they're at fault, and they're the worst kind of people, and they're ignoring us."

And second: Tumblr staff are a bunch of different people with different jobs, different departments, and different levels of power.

I guarantee you that none of them know what any of the others are doing, much less have any say in it.

Evidently, some staff are transmisogynists. Clearly, the CEO is an ableist capitalist fool.

Some staff have the power to nuke blogs and blog posts. Some staff have the power to approve ads and/or set ad policies. We don't know exactly who.

People are acting like Tumblr is run by an anarchist co-op or something. Like all its employees collectively agreed to blacklist trans tags, make accessibility changes, etc.

This is a corporation. There are probably one or two people in one department who blacklisted trans tags and allow false flags.

There's probably some people in the advertising department who approved ads with flashing lights without a clue that it could be a problem. (Or out of denial, or malice.)

I guarantee that neither department knows what the other one is doing. Neither does anybody else in the company. And probably neither do the other people in their departments.

The CEO is the one setting the tone for the company.

He does not care if a staff member is suicidal.

He doesn't care much what the feedback says.

He definitely doesn't care if you go yell at staff members who are being rude or said this or did that.

Literally nothing would change, even if this post identified a transmisogynist on staff and everyone yelled at them personally.

Y'all. All the CEO cares about is:

(1) if a ton of people stop using Tumblr, and

(2) if Tumblr loses ad revenue. (And merch revenue - but only if that's a significant income stream.)

By all means, if you want Tumblr to change something, email the CEO and tell him that you aren't going to buy merch till it's fixed. (He's apparently done Q&As, but idk if there are any in the near future.)

Contact each advertiser and tell them what you have a problem with, and that you won't be purchasing from companies that advertise on Tumblr till it's fixed.

Don't waste your energy hoping the staff you know how to reach personally have the power to change the things you want changed!

tumblr staff have...

allowed false flags of 100% sfw posts made by transfem users (and blacklisted trans and trans adjacent tags) (edit: '#tgirl' is still blocked as of sept 11th, 2023)

taken away basic accessibility features in an effort to tiktok-ify tumblr

pushed tumblr live, a feature users actively dislike which is mostly unused and overrun by spambots, that also collects all of your data EDIT: see edit below, staff deleted all rbs of that post

allowed ads that can literally kill people via flashing / strobing lights, even if the person had it filtered, despite user complaints, with the ceo even saying people with epilepsy should "just buy ad free" in response to concern over potential death or serious injury from such ads

support/use kokobot, a bot for "mental health" that not only mines your data, but puts users in potentially dangerous and unsafe situations by having "advice" given by other users (including young children) not professionals

[NEW!] made tumblr live unsnoozable on mobile, ignoring backlash

[NEW!] a staff member is claiming that people leaving negative feedback is responsible for them being actively suicidal, an attempted guilt trip

[NEW!] more issues with staff, also has a list of staff members' personal blogs, also has staff @/cyle being weird and rude again

STOP GIVING THEM MONEY! stop trying to make crab day or whatever else happen. paying for stuff from the shop is rewarding them for ignoring the userbase continuously and doing things the majority don't want, even if the things they're doing and allowing can cause actual deaths. staff shouldn't be praised and get profit for ignoring their users in exchange for trying to turn tumblr into twitter 2 ft. tiktok. (and now going scorched earth when you criticize them). at this point i don't even care for "staff are people 🥺 be nice" arguments, because even when people are being very polite in feedback, they're perfectly fine ignoring it in exchange for implementing changes nobody wants (and now claiming negative feedback is responsible for them being suicidal).

leave bad reviews. don't buy things from the shop. send feedback, even if they never reply. email them and @ the staff, send asks to the wip blog. don't just blindly buy into "we need to support the site, buy xyz shop product", they don't deserve more money for giving a worse product.

edit: staff have gone scorched earth and removed Every Single RB of the post exposing the data harvesting of live, as well as deleting blogs iamdealwithit and partyjockers for bringing up valid points against staff and their policies (iadwi being the one who made the anti-live post).

archive.org and imgur links below the cut, since staff may possibly come after this post and its links as well.

post itself

false flags

trans/adjacent tags

accessibility features

tumblr live post (thanks for the link, @problemnyatic)

flashing / strobing / lights

unblockable flashing ad

buying ad free

staff @/macmanx guilt trip

list of staff + more issues

[nozomi-vents]

10/10/2024

---

Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...

[anxietycalling]

just having the absolute worst week and it is only tuesday, my dudes

yesterday, pup got bulldozed by another dog at the park and was limping, and the other dog's mom got mad at me for wanting to check on Maz. (this lady has also taken a story I once told her and twisted it to be incredibly racist, and she now hates me and Husband and shit talks us to people at the park bc Husband called her on repeating racist shit) so, like, obviously that ruined my afternoon

and then we were supposed to do virtual book club for Gideon the Ninth with some friends, and the one friend's husband is literally insufferable. talked over everyone, focused on the stupidest details that literally he doesn't have information on yet, and I had to keep being like "Muir. Will. Elaborate. please read the fucking books." so I didn't spoil anyone else. and it was increasingly uncomfortable and like an academic forum with this dude wanting us to cite page and paragraph numbers, and like, i exclusively read ebooks! shut the fuck up! Husband reads audiobooks! stop being fucking ableist!

and when Husband was like, "hey have you actually read any queer or authors of color before?" and the dude just listed a bunch of dead white dudes. and to treat the locked tomb as hard sci-fi is not a good or critical reading of the text at all. the sci-fi elements are set dressing. the drapes are fucking blue because that's the color of fabric they could afford, Gerald.

and it's hard to explain to someone so laser focused on one aspect of the Empire that the progression of the books is meant to go from Emperor as myth to "he's just some guy" to "ugh he's the Worst guy." but no, let's complain about the Empire not having changed in 10k years (which is just not true! Gideon just has a very limited scope! think about the fucking POV character!)

so anyway, that was our night last night

and today we had planned to keep our neighbors' cat for a bit bc pest control is spraying, but one of them invited herself over for literal hours and talked at us and read recipes out loud to us. and when we asked her to not bc Husband is literally at work, she stormed out dramatically without a word? i don't understand? and she's like 70 so I was trying not to be rude, but she literally corners folks in the hallway and talks at them constantly

today is cancelled, I am anxious, people are the worst.

[morethanonepage]

☕ + anything you're feeling salty about 👀

i think a lot of sequels and just fandom content lately has a kind of....narrative revisionism that's very knee-jerk and basic and comes back around to reactionary imo.

like -- i do get the impulse. often i even agree with the impulse!! when the only queer coded or textually queer characters in a narrative are villains, it's very easy to be like, well what if THEY'RE not the villain, the HERO of that narrative is ACTUALLY the villain, and the hero is actually OPPRESSING the villain. you see this a lot with disney hot takes -- Ursula didn't do anything wrong, Scar maybe had a point, etc, etc. I think most of those are fairly harmless (lack of understanding of tortious interference w/r/t Ursula aside).

and sometimes this is can be done well, even beyond queer coded narratives, by really going AFTER what society usually considers a HERO and whether their traits are actually that heroic -- GDT did this explicitly with Michael Shannon's character in The Shape of Water, where he took what would've been the main protagonist in the 60s movies it's based on (upstanding straight white family man w kids and a beautiful wife at home, an apparently very successful government agent) and makes him the antagonist to the marginalized characters that we're rooting for. Not to be cheesy but that's real #Commentary, on society, on the way White Men have been treated as de facto heroes for doing very unheroic things like y'know. Imperialism and the founding & upholding of racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist institutions.

So that's narrative revisionism done well. (see also, loathe as i am to praise star wars on anything, how they're doing all they can to ruin Boba Fett for the portion of fandom that was alllll about idolizing a cool (presumed white) bounty hunter dude.)

But then you have like -- Cobra Kai. Where in the process of trying to broaden the scope of the Karate Kid movies and tell the story from the bully's POV, the show seems to have (unintentionally or not) convinced a BUNCH of people that Daniel Larusso is and was California's Greatest Monster for, idk, fighting back and getting a little mouthy toward a bunch of kids who were older, bigger, and stronger than him. All of which is kicked off by him defending a girl who was single at the time and flirting with him. Like this idea about the "illegal crane kick" (you see other people in that tournament kick their opponents in the face, it's either not illegal or it's not exclusive to Daniel who ~thinks the rules don't apply to him~ or w/e) seems like something that came from fanboys who saw themselves more in the Cobra Kai badasses (how DARE daniel come in and win against these HIGHLY TRAINED fighters when all he did was fuck around w a random japanese man for a few weeks!!! THEY DESERVED IT MORE!!!).

but the villains (or at least, antagonists) of TKK were chosen VERY intentionally: a white vietnam war veteran. a bunch of big, blond, preppy boys. like it's ABOUT the unjustified force!! it's ABOUT the violence inherent in privilege!!! it's ABOUT the othering and mistreatment of people with the most MINOR of deviations (i mean Daniel is white Italian, but the mere fact that he's smaller and like A LITTLE darker than the most popular his preppy California school mates marks him instantly as an outsider & therefore weak and vulnerable). like these are all highly specific critiques of 80s culture and politics, and esp pointed for being in a karate movie of all things.

so going into cobra kai w the presumption of, 'well the cobras worked hard and deserved to win and were kids and didn't do anything that bad really after all daniel fought back and mouthed off to JOHNNY despite the truce and and--' kind of defeats the point? like being revisionist toward a villain who's a villain for their white privilege is.....like coming out Beauty and the Beast going like, that Gaston had some points tho, the Beast WAS kinda rude!!!!

which to be sure is probably disney's next live action reboot plot but like. come on.

[brightlotusmoon]

https://www.facebook.com/100044170160685/posts/pfbid02zs6Rr1y7fL3rodT1iFx8ESxzKU2GJS1gsqjhKNq39UyG53RtKWiXTkQtBUr3uZgRl/

-

Diary Of A Mom:

Friends, please take a minute to read this. It’s important for this community and it’s really important to me.

Ableisim is a sneaky little sucker. Like every other kind of bigotry, it’s insidious. It’s woven into the fabric of just about everything we touch. We’re so used to seeing it - and contributing to it - that it is simply part of the background. If we’re not actively looking for it, we’ll likely pass it right by without a second glance.

It sucks when someone points out that we are being inadvertently ableist. It’s an awful feeling to hear that we are perpetuating any of the harm to which we would never consciously subscribe, so our first instinct when it’s pointed out is often defense and justification.

The other day, when I posted what I thought was a silly, fun photo of a package of bananas, it turned out to be far, far more. It turned out to be an opportunity to learn.

You may remember that the bananas were from South Korea, and that they were ingeniously packaged together, from very unripe green all the way to ready-to-eat yellow. They were encased in plastic and designed to allow the consumer to have one every day without the others rotting.

There was a chorus of comments on that post calling out the use of plastic where it was “totally unnecessary” and “ludicrously wasteful.” There were more deriding the “laziness” of anyone who would buy such a “ridiculous” product. A ton more pointing out how “simple” and “easy” it is to simply pull bunches apart ourselves, picking whichever ones we might want.

A number of commenters tried to explain why it’s far less wasteful than it might appear, why it may actually be necessary for those who can’t shop often - or do their own shopping at all - and / or who don’t have the dexterity to pull apart six different bunches of bananas to create the perfect grouping. Some explained why “just asking for help” isn’t the simple solution it may sound like it is, particularly for those for who are nonspeaking and / or communication is a challenge.

One even took the time to research it for us and shared some great information. (Thank you, Andria!) Paraphrasing what she wrote …

The bananas are treated with a preservative before they are sealed into plastic. The packaging then keeps them shelf stable for WEEKS so that people who cannot go to the market frequently or who do not have space to store large amounts of food can have access to fresh produce for a longer period of time.

She explained that they are often stocked in vending machines in assisted living facilities, for example.

“Ultimately,” she said, “they're largely only offered to people who need them like this for ACCESSIBILITY reasons!!!”

It also happens, she added, that South Korea is one of the world's best ranked nations in terms of recycling and trash management, so we can unclutch our pearls on that front, too.

Truthfully, when I posted the photo, I hadn’t thought of it from the perspective of accessibility. Rather, I’d thought of it as a great idea and a fabulous convenience. But one person’s convenience is another’s necessity. What may look to one like “laziness” may just be the other’s only access ramp.

I’m using that post as an example, but it’s just one in a series of rabbit holes we’ve wound our way down here in the last few days alone.

I humbly submit that if we’re ever going to change these patterns, to excavate and ultimately eliminate the ableism inherent in our thinking, we need to change our reactions.

We need to take a beat before we instinctually deride something as lazy or wasteful or rude or disrespectful. To examine our thought process and test it. And when we are called in by others, we desperately need to stop rationalizing and justifying and start listening. Stop explaining *ourselves* and start hearing *each other.*

Most of all, we need to stop professing that we’d never be purposefully ableist and start proving it, precisely by owning the moments in which we inadvertently are, and working to do better going forward. (Me wholeheartedly included.)

Thanks for reading, and thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being here.

-

[mooooooosicals]

Why is it that I just learned what neurodiversity was when quarantine started? Why did I not learn about it when I was younger? I'm just... It answers so many questions that I've been asking about myself for years.

Learning that everything I've felt actually falls under certain categories that go against the stereotypes I was taught... it both relaxes me and angers me. I just wish I were taught right from the start how it actually works.

I realize I've been being too vague so lemme give y'all some examples:

As a kid, I was always taught "person first language is more polite." And I thought I was being inclusive when I used it. Or when people say "go easy on them, they don't know any better," literally infantilizing them, and I just accepted it as "yeah, that's what I should do."

Believe me, if I could take back all the ableist actions I did before educating myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. I regret it deeply, and nothing I can do will ever cancel that out. Learning what I did during quarantine, a large amount of guilt took over me thinking back to everything I've done in the past. I hope I've changed for the better, but I cannot deny that I was in the wrong before learning.

Another thing that just absolutely tears me apart is that a lot, like a LOT of my traits are considered neurodivergent, but I was never taken seriously. I faced a lot of "oh, she's gonna grow out of that," "you're being a baby," "she's an only child, they're all like that," "what are you, [insert r slur here]?", "weirdo," and the one that hurts the most, "suck it up."

I always felt distant from other people, never being able to figure out why I couldn't connect with other people in the same way, say, my parents could. I understood that there was something... different about me, about the way I thought about the world, the way I communicated, but I couldn't put my finger on it. For 16 years of my life, I couldn't figure out why, why I was mocked so often, called a "crazy cat book girl," being the butt of every joke the Boys™ would make. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't function under triggering situations, like sudden loud noises, where I would literally go nonverbal. I couldn't understand why what I said was considered "rude" or how I was "talking too loud." I couldn't understand why tapping my foot or twirling my hair was bad and needed to be stopped. I didn't know why I got weird looks whenever I started talking about something I was enthusiastic about in class. I could go on and on and on and on and on for ages but this ramble is long enough as it is so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Just. For so long. I couldn't understand myself.

Enter quarantine.

I turned to the internet to indulge on one of my new "intense obsessions" as I called it (another thing I always questioned, since when I was obsessed with something, I went all in, annoying everyone around me hehe). I met a bunch of people who happened to be neurodivergent, and when talking about their own experiences and realizing how much I related to them, I went into a panic.

For so long I was taught "you [neurotypicals] are above [neurodivergent people]" (which is wrong, on so many levels, we need to do better on education about this kinda stuff). Then, I find out just how much I have in common, and suddenly everything I thought I knew is put into question. Who even am I?

Ever since them, I've just considered myself a "spicy neurotypical" because I don't wanna offend anybody by labelling myself as neurodivergent and then being wrong, but recently I feel like that's changed.

I finally got through to my parents when they realized that I could not just "suck it up," I have traits that actually need to be addressed, and urgently. I honestly think it broke them, my mom in particular, because she always wants to be the best mom she can and to not have anything hold back her relationship with her daughter. I'm glad she finally is starting to see through my lens, but it's still gonna take a while. Still, I'm relieved in that aspect.

Ever since then, we've been pursuing a diagnosis of some kind, more specifically sensory processing disorder, so that when I go to college I can get accomadations. I won't have an official examination until August 4, just a few weeks before entering college on August 30, just a few weeks before I become a legal adult on August 26.

I had a meet up with one of the people who works with the psychologist the other day, to kind of get a sense of my situation. It was odd because they didn't just ask me about sensory stuff, but also about how I act. The more questions I answered about my behavior, the more I came to realize this wasn't just a sensory issue, but a behavioral situation as well.

My mom was on the phone with them the other day and-

They theorize I'm autistic.

You don't realize how emotional of a realization that is for me.

No dude, like I'm actually tearing up writing this.

If only someone could have told me this when I was younger.

If only someone could have told me this when I was at a Wiggles concert, having a meltdown because of the confetti canons.

If only someone could have told me this when I was overwhelmed by the flahsing lights and the loud pyrotechnics when watching Phantom Of The Opera.

If only someone could have told me this when I couldn't connect with my band section and I couldn't figure out why they were treating me as a kid when I'm older than some of them.

If only someone could have told me that it's okay. That I'm not a lost cause. I'm not immature. I'm not a weirdo, I'm not [words I can't repeat], I'm just. I'm just me. Just imagine how much trauma I could have avoided.

(disclaimer: these traits can be found in neurotypical people too. it's the fact that I have so many of these traits that gives me and others the reason to believe I could possibly be neurodivergent. However it's a whole spectrum of stuff, it's different for everyone. Don't use me as a resource. These are just my experiences.)

TLDR: As someone who is afab, we aren't taken seriously until it's too late. And it's extremely damaging.

We need to do better. Actually. We need to better.

(sorry this was really long, I'm just very emotional rn. might delete this later. I may not even be autistic or have sensory processing disorder or adhd or any of that. I may just turn out to be "spicy neurotypical." But who knows. I'm just,,, I'm just praying that I'll get my answers in time. The right answers.)

[giantchasm]

1, 8, 9 and 10 for the salty thingy?

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

This is the part where I’d say J.oshn.eku, but I’d get anon hate. True story.

Uhhhh I’m not too particularly big on Ed/Winry, Asano/Ren, Homura/Madoka (Bite me) or Kazuma/Bishamon, all of which I know are fairly popular. But I wouldn’t say I “don’t get” any of them. I’m just not super big on them for. Differing reasons.

8. Have you received anon hate? What about?

You want the beans about the J.oshne.ku thing? I’ll SPILL THE BEANS about the fucking J.oshn.eku thing.

I’m gonna put this below the cut (Haha. Below the cut. That’s part of the story) because it’s LONG

Back in the day in the TWEWY fandom, I was a part of the RP community. Mostly a great place! But I... Was 14. I’m not exactly going to call myself a saint, ‘cause I was a total passive aggressive brat, but I was just a kid.

Enter Not-Neku-Kin and Not-Joshua-Kin.

As you can imagine, Not-Neku-Kin and Not-Joshua-Kin roleplay Neku and Joshua. They are borderline kindating. Let’s be real here. 

For the most part, I get along with these two! I don’t like their ship, and make some admittedly VERY IMMATURE comments about not liking their ship, but remember: I was a literal middle schooler. They were over 17 at this point. They were well aware I was 14.

(*As a note here there were some other borderline ableist comments I made here, but they were never once directed at real people, but rather fictional headcanons. I don’t want to go into explicit detail because this involves extreme trauma for me, but it was about a mental illness I have, and never once left the realm of “Ahaha I’m not really comfortable with that headcanon”)

So they have every right to be annoyed by me, but maybe not to make claims of being “traumatized” by me?

Enter the porn.

This is back in the days of yore and Tumblr not being a functioning website. Tumblr did not have a “below the cut” feature! 

Not-Neku-Kin starts roleplaying porn. Fetish porn. (With a fifteen year old character, mind you, but that’s besides the point, uwu) Me and my best friend are deeply uncomfortable with this. Not-Neku-Kin does not put any of this below the cut because “Wah! I’m stuck on mobile!” Despite the fact that they KNEW they had a large amount of minors following them.

This is the part where if they were a mature ass person, they probably would have decided to move their porn to something private like Skype (Once again: This was before Discord. If that puts into perspective how long ago this was), or perhaps passed up roleplaying porn at all until they could properly hide and tag it. Nope! Explicit NSFW on our dashes!

My best friend sent a polite anon something along the lines of “Unfollowing because of the porn. Sorry! ^-^” I don’t remember if it was any more aggressive/passive aggressive than that, because it very well could have been genuinely sort of rude: But remember: Putting uncut porn on the dashboard of a bunch of middle schoolers.

Sometime or another I unfollowed them for a different reason and told them in the public TWEWY roleplay community skype server. They and Not-Joshua-Kin FLIPPED THEIR SHITS. Best friend admitted she sent the anon. They flipped their shits on the both of us and left the server.

We thought that was the last of it. 

No, lmao.

Two or three years later, I make a post ON MY MAINBLOG that’s like “Considering coming back to the TWEWY roleplay community. How active is it?”

Not-Joshua-Kin sends me an anon saying something along the lines of “The TWEWY community doesn’t want you”

OOOOKAY, then.

Around this time one of them (I don’t remember who) also got in contact with a friend of mine (Who can back this up, for the record,) and sent him a VERY passive aggressive anon along the lines of “I like your content, but I’m gonna have to unfollow :/ You reblog from an ableist abuser” (REMEMBER. ONE OF THE REASONS THEY FLIPPED OUT ON US US AN ANON ABOUT UNFOLLOWING)

Obviously when said friend asked they specify he was told it was me (And once again I’m deeply uncomfortable with their willingness to namedrop me like this, alongside seemingly stalking my blog). He got in contact with me and I told him the full story. He was like “Oh, okay.” And that was the end of it.

Two more years later. Now I’m a Senior. This drama went down when I was in 8th grade. These people are like 21 now. The TWEWY remix comes out. The fandom is blooming!

Not-Joshua-Kin makes a fandom discord.

Quite frankly I don’t even realize it’s them. I join. Insta-kicked without any information or contact given as to why. I get in contact with them, realize who they are, and we decide to maturely talk about it like adults.

I write an extremely long apology, both detailing how immature my behavior was at the time, and disclosing some of my very personal trauma behind my actions. I also express worries that they’re smearing my name in the fandom by barring me from spaces like that. 

They reply and say that A) They would never smear my name in the fandom, and would never spread gossip, even if they don’t like me. B) They’re still not sure if they and Not-Neku-Kin are comfortable inviting me in, but they’ll keep me updated.

Radio silence.

They don’t even have the balls to tell me directly “No, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.” They downright block me. Okay! That’s comfortable, considering all I just shared with you!

Annoying, but I’ll survive.

Few months later, I learn from ANOTHER friend they HAVE been gossiping about me. And not “some person.” “Sack.” They’re namedropping me in the TWEWY roleplay community, directly calling me annoying and ableist out of context. This is stuff they’re bringing up completely unprompted, too. So alongside being a liar and a gossip, they’re dragging my name across the mud and effectively exiling me from a fandom because I...

A) Didn’t like a ship

B) Didn’t like their one (1) autistic headcanon

C) Am closely associated with someone who told their S/O to stop putting creepy fetish porn on my dashboard in MIDDLE SCHOOL.

That’s EXTREMELY comfortable considering, once again, I really genuinely opened up to this person about my trauma and was 100% willing to try and make a new start with them. But now for all I know they’re STILL actively gossiping about me and sharing my trauma.

De-lightful!

And THAT’S the story of how I got my first anon hate.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

Kazuma can eat my fucking boots.

Additionally I’m not fond of any of the bad guys in Assclass (In particular Yanagisawa, Takaoka, Gakuho, and Hiromi make me VERY uncomfortable), Homura PMMM (Eat shit bitch), or Lusamine Pokemon (Abusers Die Challenge)

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

I don’t think it’s bad persay but the entire mood of the current arc of Noragami makes me so deeply uncomfortable I’m literally having to take a break from reading it. It’s very well written, but seeing the characters take such steps backwards in their arcs makes me feel a little sick.

As for Assclass I... Don’t think the 2.0 arc is excellent. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Irina and Karasuma’s developments during it, but 2.0 is just suchhhh a bad villain. He’s too OP to the point of bending my suspension of disbelief. It ends up not being fun, and instead just downright FUNNY to read. “How did he do that? Oh my god! DID HE JUST DO SHADOW JUJITSU?” It totally takes you out of it.

[joeybelle]

Oh, how the tables have turned - Part 8

Clyde Logan x Reader

Inspired by @clyde-prompts: “Some guys are rude and use ableist slurs against Clyde. The reader is with them, and although she feels bad about what’s happening, is too scared to say anything in front of her “friends”. She comes back to the bar a couple nights later to try and show him she’s not a bad person. They get to know each other and fall in love”. Doesn’t fully follow the prompt.

Warnings: Language, first person POV

Word count: ~4500

Rating: Mature

Setting: Pre-Heist

Tags: @lonelyravenclaw @kyloren-supreme-ben @onmyknees4steve @elsablackswift @helloimindelaware @mwcritics @makingtimemine @littlekylo

The messages didn’t stop after that night. It was never a long conversation, usually we’d stick to a couple of messages at a time, but after a while they got more frequent. I have to admit that at first I’d find any excuse to keep the conversation going, asking questions about this or that in our town or just telling him a funny thing that I saw at work. He always replied. Maybe not instantly, but he never left me on read. And he started doing the same, sending me random texts throughout the day, so I started to eagerly expect the notifications.

Once he sent me a really out of focus picture of a butterfly that he said looked just like the ones I’d painted on my old mailbox. I told him it did, although I could hardly tell it was a butterfly in that picture and to be honest I didn’t remember what the ones on my mailbox looked like. But he seemed to remember, so he either had a better memory than me, or he’d been so traumatized by the whole experience that it was scared in his brain. Still, it made me feel good to know he thought about me.

Another time, when I woke up in the morning I saw a text he sent me at 3am telling me that it’d started raining and I should probably take an umbrella to work. It was little things like this that made me really happy.

I also went down to his bar a few times, because we agreed to repay the drinks we owed each other. The ‘buy’ part of the deal ended up being a little tricky, since he refused to let me pay for any of them, and the shots usually added up to more than what I had to repay, but I wasn’t gonna complain about that. Instead, I just enjoyed his company until it was time to close. Mellie and Jimmy joined us one night and we all stayed way past closing time, just telling stories and having fun. They were all such nice people and I was glad to be able to call them my friends. I felt we’d gotten a lot closer over the past couple of weeks.

However, the kiss was never brought up, and a tiny part of me feared that it might have just been a one-off. Maybe it was the heat, staying for so long in the sun might make you take some rash decisions. But we also didn’t have any opportunity to spend time alone since then, so it might have been just that the timing was wrong. I tried to get him to walk me home one night after we’d been drinking for a while, and he seemed eager to do it, but then something happened at the bar and he had to stay back and fix it. Luck didn’t seem to be on my side.

So we didn’t really get to spend time alone until the day of the storm.

It had been announced all over the news that a big storm was coming our way. The scientists didn’t really agree, some saying that it would die down as it progressed towards us, some that it would hit us full force, with potentially disastrous consequences. So of course, everyone panicked. For two days before the storm was supposed to strike the whole town went completely mental: they attacked the stores like a bunch of trolls waiting for the apocalypse, filled their tanks with gas, loaded their weapons, built barricades and all that. For those couple of days it took me twice as long to get to and from work, and all my patience and self restraint not to kill anyone in the overcrowded stores.

I actually felt relieved when the day of the storm actually came and everyone barricaded themselves inside their homes leaving the town empty. It looked a bit like we were waiting for the world to end, with stores closed, shutters secured, streets empty and an ominous cloud front looming over the town, but at least it was peaceful.

The storm started in the evening. It was just thunder and wind for a few hours, but the combined noise was so loud that I ended up sleeping on the living room couch with the TV turned on, hoping that it would cover the noise a little. It didn’t help much, sometimes the thunder was so loud that I could feel the vibration in my chest and the windows rattle, but I eventually managed to fall asleep.

I woke up when the rain started, a furious rapping on the roof. I was disoriented for a moment, in complete darkness and in an unfamiliar place. It took me some time to remember why I was in the living room, and why it was so dark. The power was down, and not just my house, it seemed.  There was no light coming from any of the other houses or the streetlights, so the rain seemed to swallow everything.

I hadn’t prepared much for this storm, I realized. Just some bottles of water, something to eat that didn’t require cooking and a bunch of scented candles (because if I really had to buy candles why not buy the scented kind, at least they would smell nice and I would keep using them), and charged my powerbank. If the roof gave in or the house got flooded, I was completely unprepared. I sighed and turned on the cell phone flashlight.

I studied the ceiling in every room, but there was no sign of moisture. Yet, at least. If my roof survived this storm, I promised myself I’d cook Jimmy a four course meal, and even share some of my expensive vodka with him. Not too much, the rest was still waiting for Clyde.

I tentatively opened the front door and peeked outside. The rain was pouring, but the wind had calmed down considerably. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, I hoped as I closed the door and moved to the kitchen to grab a candle.

It was almost morning when I fell asleep again. Luckily, the college was also closed because of the storm, so I knew I could afford to sleep in. I woke up again around noon, still a bit disoriented. The power hadn’t come back on, but the rain had mostly stopped. I looked out the window. My garden and the street were full of leaves and tiny branches, but it seemed like the town had survived the storm.

I spent the next few hours waiting for the power to come back on, but I was out of luck. When I started to get hungry, and it became clear that I’d have to eat only cold cuts for the rest of the day, I started to wonder why the power wouldn’t come back on. I grabbed an umbrella and headed outside to ambush the nearest neighbour. To my surprise, they had power. It must be my wiring system or the fuses, they said, and I trudged back to my house, disgruntled.

I turned on my phone flashlight and descended into the deep, dark abyss that was currently my basement to check on the electrical panel. To nobody’s surprise, the fuses were fried. I facepalmed, because my dad had told me repeatedly to go and buy some spares, but the detour to the electrical store was enough to make me delay it indefinitely. And now I was fucked, because I had been too lazy to drive 15 minutes more to buy some fucking fuses.

I plopped onto the couch, groaning like a dying animal and laid there in misery for a few minutes. Then I pulled out my phone, took a deep breath and dialed Clyde’s number.

“Hi Clyde, sorry to bother you,” I blurted, anxiously biting my lip.

“You’re not bothering me,” he replied, so blunt and honest that it made me smile.

“How did you survive the storm?”

“We’re good. Nothing happened. How about your house?”

“Well about that,” I laughed nervously. “The house is fine, but I think the lightning blew my fuses and I don’t really have any spares. Do you think you may have any fuses lying around somewhere?” I crossed my fingers and prayed to at least seven different gods.

He was silent for a few moments, like he was thinking. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I’ll have to ask my brother and call you back.”

“Thank you, Clyde.” I sighed. “I really appreciate your help.”

I knew there wasn’t much hope, but I anxiously waited with the phone in my hand nonetheless. As the minutes passed, I was starting to lose all remaining hope. If the Logans had no fuses, I was doomed. All the stores were closed for the day and I really didn’t want to knock on all my neighbours’ doors to try and find some. I would have to live without power, like my ancestors before me and their ancestors before them. Unfortunately for me, I was way too dependant on electricity: my fridge worked on electricity, my stove and oven were both electrical, the water heating system as well. I couldn’t even take a long bath surrounded by my new scented candles, unless I liked soaking in cold water.

Eventually, the phone vibrated in my hand, breaking my panicked train of thought. ‘I found fuses,’ the message said. ‘I’m coming over.’

I jumped off the couch and started skipping through the living room. I was so happy I felt I could tackle him the moment he entered the house and kiss him until he turned blue from lack of air. Well, I could do that on any occasion, but this time the sentiment was a little more acute.

It didn’t take long until he arrived, pulling his car in my driveway.

“Who angered the bear?” I asked, pointing at the pronounced frown on his face.

“No one, it’s nothing,” he said, almost through gritted teeth as I let him in. His whole demeanor screamed ‘tense’, so I took a few steps back.

“Okay,” I said, feeling my heart sink. I really didn’t expect him to be in such a bad mood. I couldn’t remember ever seeing him like this. “Listen, I’m sorry for calling, I really didn’t wanna inconvenience you in any way. You could have just said that you were busy, I would have understood.”

“What?” He looked at me, confused like he didn’t know where I was coming from. “ No! It’s just…” He put the box of fuses down on the kitchen table and huffed. “I just argued with my brother this morning, that’s all. No need to worry about it.” He gave me a tentative smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes, hell it didn’t even reach his nose, so of course I worried.

“Is it about me somehow, cause…”

“No, no…” He took a deep breath and looked at the floor. “I asked Jimmy this morning to come fix this. He insisted that I could do it, but I told him that if it’s more than just a blown fuse I won’t be able to. Not with only one arm.” There was a clear look of frustration on his face when he looked at his prosthetic arm. I wasn’t completely sure, but I thought he whispered ‘useless’, before looking away.

“Hey, listen to me,” I said, keeping my voice low and cupping his cheek, making him look at me. “If it’s more than just a blown fuse I wouldn’t let you or Jimmy or anyone else without a license touch it anyway. I won’t die without power until tomorrow, when I can call an electrician, so please don’t worry about that. It means the world to me that you came all the way here to try and help me with this, really.” He nodded, still pouting, still a little grumpy and I laughed. “Come on, let’s see if we can bring back the light in this house. If not, we’ll just get drunk and complain about it.”

He grabbed the fuses, I turned on the flashlight and we commenced our descent in the dark hole of my basement. This is how horror movies start, I thought as I stepped behind Clyde, lighting the stairs.

“Be careful,” I warned, “there’s a missing step.” There was a not so subtle irony in me saying that exactly as my foot slipped and I fell forward, colliding face first into Clyde’s back with a yelp.

“Are you okay?” came Clyde’s concerned voice from the other side of the back.

“Yeah. I think I found the missing step,” I said, tentatively searching with my foot for the other step, before I even thought to let go of his t-shirt. “I’m sorry if your back now has an imprint of my face in it.”

He laughed. “Four,” he counted, and I whined.

“It was a joke!”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, sounding pretty smug. “Hold onto me, please.”

I did as he said and grabbed onto his shoulder. With him acting as my support I managed not to fall anymore, and we both reached the bottom of the stairs in one piece.

The basement was eerie on a good day, and only lit by my flashlight it was downright creepy. I never liked that place, ever since I was a kid, so I took advantage of Clyde’s presence to huddle closer to him. He didn’t seem bothered by the darkness or the creepiness of the place, or by me latching onto his arm for that matter.

“Yep, they’re fried,” he said once we reached the electrical panel. “It must have been quite the power surge.”

“I don’t know, I was sleeping,” I admitted, looking over his shoulder. “I hope it didn’t do a huge damage.”

“We’ll see,” he said, taking out the old fuses and putting the new ones in place. “Are you ready to test it?”

“Should I be scared?” I laughed, but there was a hint of nervousness in my voice. Electricity isn’t a joke and I didn’t really wanna see what it would feel like to be electrocuted.

“No,” he chuckled. “But you can still take a step back.”

“That’s very reassuring.”

He flipped a few switches and fortunately, nothing exploded. I could hear the TV turning on, the music channel blaring at a hellish volume. Oh gods, did I really sleep with it that loud?

“Success!” I yelled and Clyde laughed at me as I stumbled to find the light switch. Now that I had power once again, it felt like I had travelled back to the 21st Century, back to civilization. And all thanks to Clyde. “Thank you,” I said, latching onto his neck, enveloping him into an unexpected hug. He had to bow down a little so I wouldn’t dangle from his neck, but he put a hand on my back, awkwardly returning my hug. I immediately became aware of his scent and of the way my boobs touched his chest. Fuck, this wasn’t good. “Let’s get out of here,” I said, my voice surprisingly high pitched, instantly detaching myself from his neck.

My house seemed much more welcoming now that the appliances were working. Once again it felt like a home, and not a cave in the middle of nowhere where I happened to find shelter. I turned off the TV and the lights that I’d forgotten I had on.

“I was thinking about cooking something,” I said, making my way to the kitchen. “Would you like to stay for whatever this will be, late lunch, early dinner? It’s not gonna be anything fancy, but I’d like you to join me. If you’ve got nothing else better to do, of course,” I trailed off, but I closed my mouth before I started making up excuses. You invited him to stay, now own up to that shit, no buts.

“I should go by the bar and see if nothing happened last night,” he said, looking mildly annoyed that he had to.

“Oh. That’s ok,” I said, a bit disappointed. “But you know, you could always come back,” I offered. He looked at me with such a surprised and hopeful look in his eyes, like this possibility never really occurred to him. “I mean, it’s not that far away, and dinner will be ready by the time you’re back,” I said with a smile.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll… ummm I’ll be back, then.”

“Don’t take too long though, otherwise I’ll eat everything without you!”

He laughed. “Should I bring anything from the bar?” he asked, and it was such a domestic question that it hit me right in the ovaries.

“Grab a few beers of you want. I have vodka, but that’s about it,” I said, checking the fridge.

“Alright,” he said, and stood awkwardly by the door. “I won’t be long.”

“I’ll be waiting.” I stood in the doorway, smiling at him as he backed the car up and left. I felt like a housewife seeing her husband off to work. I laughed and went back inside to cook him dinner, like the good wife I was becoming.

I must admit, if it was just me having dinner that day I would have just cooked the simplest thing that I could put together with the things in my fridge, but I put a little more effort in just for Clyde. It wasn’t exactly Michelin star cooking, but it was my mother’s trusted recipe that I knew everyone loved. Sometimes, the simplest things are the the best, if you put enough love into them. I wasn’t really sure about the love, but I sure as hell put a lot of paprika in it.

Clyde sent me a text while I was cooking telling me he’d be a little late, so I had time to take a quick shower and tidy the place a bit. There was so little furniture in my house that cleaning was a breeze. At first I wanted to set the big table in the dining area, but in the end I decided against it. For just the two of us, it was a lot cozier to eat in the kitchen.

It was already getting darker when Clyde arrived, although I was sure it couldn't be that late. Maybe I’d lost track of time.

“Sorry for taking this long,” he apologized as he handed me a six pack.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just a broken window. I’ve checked all the others, and made sure that everything is secured,” he said. “Hopefully, they’ll survive tonight too.”

“You think that it might hit us again?”

“It’s quite possible,” he said, looking out the window, trying to get a glimpse of the sky. “It’s gotten pretty dark all of a sudden.”

I couldn’t see the sky clearly, but I assumed by the gloomy atmosphere he was right. I wasn’t looking forward to another night spent worrying if my roof was going to survive, but I tried to not think too hard about it. I was going to enjoy dinner with Clyde and worry afterwards. I threw one last glance at the vegetation that was already billowing in the wind, turned on the lights to brighten up the room, and set the table.

Clyde seemed to really like my food. He said it was something his grandma used to cook and hadn’t eaten in years. It made me incredibly happy knowing that he liked my cooking, and I was already trying to find ways to get him to eat my food again.

“It’s my mom’s recipe,” I explained. “I can’t make it quite like she does, somehow whenever she cooks it it’s always better.”

“I think your cooking is better,” he blurted, quickly looking into his plate.

“Buttering up the cook is a great tactic if you want seconds and also another portion to go,” I laughed. “Thank you for the compliment, but you haven’t tasted my mother’s cooking yet. You can tell me afterwards if you still like my food better.”

“Well, I did eat your mom’s food. It was a long time ago, though.”

“Really?” I asked genuinely surprised. “When?”

“When we built your mailbox. She didn’t wanna let us leave before she fed us.”

“It means she really liked you,” I said, to Clyde’s pretty visible surprise. “She never invited anyone that she didn’t like inside the house, let alone feed them.” I was starting to regret not being home that summer, it would have been fun getting to know the Logan brothers. Maybe we would have been friends, and who knows, my teenage years might have been much different. “When my mom comes visit I’ll organize a cook off and you’re invited to act as a judge. I really hope you’ll be impartial, but I won’t mind if you favour me in exchange for muffins.”

He laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

“Anyway, I’m gonna help myself to another serving, do you want some more?”

“Yes, please.”

By the time we finished eating, the wind had picked up speed considerably and it was almost dark. I hadn’t looked out the window until the crack of thunder made me almost jump through the roof.

“Are you scared of thunder?” Clyde asked, as I got up to look outside.

“No, just a bit jumpy. Any loud noise startles me if I don’t expect it,” I said, a bit embarrassed. “I think you were right, we may be getting storm part two.”

“It may seem so,” he said, joining me in looking out the window. Another lightning split the sky, followed by the roaring of the thunder. The lights flickered, so I turned off the ones in the kitchen. This way we could see what was going on outside better.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” I asked, leaning on the counter next to Clyde.

“What?”

“Lightning and thunder? I’ve heard it reminds people of war and explosions and… stuff,” I trailed off, feeling increasingly stupid for assuming things, but I needed to know what to expect.

“No, it doesn’t bother me,” he said, matter of factly.

“I’m sorry for bringing it up, and for assuming things.”

“It’s ok. People are different,” he said, and his tone was low and reassuring, no ounce of annoyance or judgement in his voice. He was a really nice person and I was so glad I’d met him. Remembering the circumstances in which we met made me resent my old friends even more. How could they be that shit so such a good man?

Another thunder broke my train of thought and I jumped once again, hitting my knee on a cabinet handle. “It’s ok, I’m gonna be jumpy enough for the both of us,” I mumbled, rubbing the sore spot.

There was a roaring sound in the distance that I thought was just the wind at first, but got louder and louder with every passing second. “What’s that?” I asked, but I got the answer to my question almost instantly, as rain started hitting the roof.

It didn’t start gradually, like I had come to expect, instead it was like the sky suddenly opened and all the rain poured down at once. I couldn’t see much out the window anymore, so I opened the front door and was met with a sudden gust of wind and rain.

“You can’t see six feet ahead,” I almost yelled to make myself heard over the noise, the door barely opened. I knew I couldn’t let Clyde drive in this weather and I felt really guilty for making him stay for dinner. “I’m sorry, Clyde, but I can’t let you go back home in this weather. You’ll have to stay here a little longer.”

Clyde smiled. “If you keep apologizing you’ll soon have to buy me another bar.”

“Oh, shush,” I said, waving my hand and feigning annoyance. “I’m nowhere close.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Well, I have some really expensive vodka, would that be an acceptable way to repay my debt?” I smiled, making my way to the kitchen. He nodded and followed me. “How many?” I asked, taking out the bottle of vodka and two shot glasses.

“Five.”

“So, four shots?”

“Five shots.”

“No! You’re lying,”

“I’m not lying,” he laughed. “Why would I lie?”

“I don’t know,” I said pouring vodka into the glasses and handing him one. “I think you just want this bottle to be empty already so I’ll stop bragging about it,” I laughed. “Or you want to get me drunk enough to actually think I can sing. Cheers!”

While I downed the drink, trying to taste it as little as possible, Clyde actually took his time. I had been joking when I said that I wanted an appraisal, but he seemed to be taking his role as a judge very seriously.

“So, how is it?” I asked, once his glass was finally empty.

“Overpriced. But not bad.”

“Yeah, kinda figured that would be the case. But as I said, it was free and that’s its best quality.”

I poured another round and downed it before I could think too much. It wasn’t the right moment to get drunk with a storm raging outside, but a tiny bit of alcohol would help calm my nerves a little.

“Do you think the rain will let up anytime soon?” I said, looking out the window. I couldn’t see much even if I tried really hard.

“Probably not,” he said with a frown on his face. “It could be raining like this the whole night so I should probably get going.”

“What? No! I’m not letting you drive in this weather, what if you have an accident?” I said crossing my arms, really close to actually stomping my foot. “You’re staying here until it is safe to go home again.”

“What if it doesn’t stop raining all night?”

“Then you’ll sleep here. Does it bother you?” I asked, biting my cheek. I hadn’t considered that he might be uncomfortable sleeping at my place, and now I was feeling double as guilty for making him stay for dinner.

“No, no! I really don’t mind, it’s just…”

“Do you think Jimmy will worry if you’re not home tonight?”

“No,” he said so deadpan that I couldn’t help but laugh. Well Jimmy did send him here and knowing him I was pretty sure he wouldn’t care if he spent the night.

“I’m not sure if you’ll fit on the couch, though, but we’ll figure something out. My bed’s pretty big, I’m sure we could both fit,” I said and winked. Damn you, vodka, and your tongue loosening properties.

Clyde opened his mouth to say something, his cheeks already starting to burn, but his voice was covered by the loudest thunder I had ever heard. It sounded like it hit really close, and for a fraction of a second I thought my house was being ripped apart. I yelped, and nearly knocked over the vodka bottle from the counter. The house went dark.

Masterlist

Previous Part

Next Part

[doctor-ciel]

So I just cut the blogs I follow in half, and here's why you should too

And just before this, I went through all the tags I followed too and cut them down to about a third of the original amount. But I won't talk about that here, since pretty much all the same rules apply.

First of all, it feels great as hell. Start at the bottom, with the blogs that you've been following the longest, and unfollow the ones you don't want there. It'll make unfollowing everything afterward so much easier. So to help you get started, here's some things you should consider about each blog before unfollowing it:

When was the last time you saw this blog on your dash? Have you ever seen this blog on your dash? If not, unfollow it, unless it fulfills another one of the criteria below.

Does the content on this blog cause you anxiety, or make you feel bad in any way? If so, UNFOLLOW IT. This supersedes pretty much all the other things on this list.

On a similar note, does the person(or people) running this blog have views that contrast yours, or that are discriminatory towards marginalized groups that you are a part of? That last one is particularly important. If having them on your dash is just going to add toxicity to your life, get rid of them. Even if they have some content that you like. "Oh, this person is sexist and homophobic, but he has the same niche interest as me"? Unfollow him. "I like their art style, but they're blatantly ableist"? Unfollow them.

If it's a blog about a certain topic(in my case most of the stuff pertaining to this bullet point was fandom blogs), are you even that interested in it anymore? Do you see yourself being interested in it again in the future? I myself unfollowed a lot of Voltron blogs.

Are you following a lot of blogs about one topic? Pick a few and unfollow the rest. I used to be following a buttload of MHA blogs, but I've unfollowed almost all of them now.

If you followed a bunch of blogs back when you were still figuring out your sexuality/used a different label, but have figured yourself out now(like me), you might want to go back and unfollow some of the blogs that don't fit you anymore. For example, I identify as a lesbian, but back when I was still questioning/later identified as aroace, I followed a bunch of blogs for pretty much every sexuality, and then later a bunch of aroace ones. At least a third of my purge came from getting rid of those.

Pretty obvious, but do they still even post? If it's a dead blog that hasn't posted in three years, unfollow them.

Sometimes you'll find a blog that you don't even recognize. This could be because they change their url at some point, or you accidentally followed them. I know that when I'm scrolling through tags on mobile(I don't know if this ever happens on desktop), I'll accidentally click the "follow" button next to a person's url. I usually catch that I've done that and go in and fix it, but not always. I probably unfollowed ~10-15 people from that.

Sometimes you just don't like a blog. You don't like the person, you don't like the content, the general vibe you get from it, whatever, but you don't want to seem rude by unfollowing them. Trust me when I say they won't notice, and it's better to get them off your dash than to just put up with it.

This is especially important when you start, but don't be afraid to unfollow because of nostalgia or whatever. It doesn't matter how long you've followed them, if you want them gone, they're gone.

I think I got all my thoughts down. Obviously this doesn't apply to mutuals, because I only have like two or three mutuals that I've ever talked to so I can't help you there. If any of you have something to add, please do so, and also maybe share this so other people who are following blogs in numbers close to or in the thousands can clean out the trash most efficiently.

[theblowsyouveinventedandblamed]

Part One: Ableism

TW for: abuse, ableism

So. Some of you may have seen posts about me that were written by my ex-boyfriend/datemate, Ezri (tumblr user @regal-roman and @panpunksexual).

The first post (https://regal-roman.tumblr.com/post/170845546062/he-was-abusive-i-know-he-couldnt-help-that-he)

[Transcript: He was abusive. I know he couldn’t help that he had mental illness, just like I can’t help that I do.

But his illness hurt other people. His illness hurt me all the time. But no matter how many times I asked, he would never get treatment so he wouldn’t hurt me anymore.

I am not ableist. I don’t believe that I’m better than him because I don’t have the illness he has. I wouldn’t mind him having his illness at all if he weren’t hurting other people.

If you are hurting other people because of your mental illness, it is your responsibility to get treatment so you no longer harm others. Victims should not have to accept abuse just because the perpetrators were mentally ill.]

To begin with, the “illness” they are talking about? Dissociative Identity Disorder [DID]. According to the DSM-5 [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, Fifth Edition] DID is diagnosed through five criteria. For efficiency’s sake we will only be focusing on the first criteria (criteria A) which is detailed as followed: “A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption of marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.” [Information taken from: http://traumadissociation.com/dissociativeidentitydisorder#dsm5, further reading can be done at: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-dsm-5-criteria/]

The line “distinct personality states” is of significance here. Alters (also known as headmates or system members) are separate from the core/original. They are different people occupying the same space. Yes, there are alters known as fragments or shards that are not “complete” personalities, however out of a system of eleven only two of our members are fragments (Anya, a trauma holder and Frank, a protector, neither of whom can front independently). The other nine members of our system are fully formed and act independently of each other. For the purpose of this explanation we will however, not discuss certain members of our system for various reasons, largely because they never directly interacted with Ezri. They are as follows: Nina (a four to six year old child alter), Lucien (a 600 year old vampire priest), Harley (a fictive of Harley Quinn) as well as our fragments Frank (a fictive of Frank Castle, the Punisher) and Anya (a fictive of Anya from the 100). The alters that are important to our narrative are: Lucille (protector), L337 (protector), Gl!!tch/Glitch (protector), Luna (protector/headspace manager), AJAX (protector-ish) and ting (core).

I began my three-month altercation with Ezri on October 18th, 2017. They had known that I had DID and at first their general attitude about it was positive, even before we had begun dating.

[Transcript:

panpunksexual 09/27/2017 This is gonna sound dorky but the way I view you being a system is literally “well that means more friends”]

They continued to ask questions about it, claiming that they had a “pretty good understanding of it. The best I could get without being a system myself”

[Transcript: 

panpunksexual 10/24/2017 Did you ever think people wouldn’t want to date you because you’re a system? 

newt on a newt 10/24/2017 yeppp 

panpunksexual 10/24/2017 When I was first learning about it, I never thought it was weird and I still don’t. I was really curious about it, but I didn’t want to ask a bunch of questions and seem like [I] had a creepy fascination with it 

newt on a newt 10/24/2017 questions r good dw 

panpunksexual 10/24/2017 I think I have a pretty good understanding of it now. The best I can get without being a system myself I’m a pretty optimistic person, so I view it as just having more friends, even though I’m only dating you and not any of the others]

To continue with their claims about me, we come across the line “…his illness hurt other people.” No example of “other people” are given (likely because none can be found). My DID has never hurt anyone directly. My alters (predominantly L337, Gl!!tch and AJAX) have been rude or cruel to Ezri, which they should be held accountable for (even though they were simply attempting to defend me or themselves) and AJAX had previously caused me (and only me) physical harm but he is the only alter that has caused physical harm to anyone. Ezri continues with “But no matter how many times I asked, he would never get treatment so he wouldn’t hurt me anymore.” This is simply untrue, although the ‘treatment’ I am in may not be what he wanted.

If we look at this article by Natasha Tracy “DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER (DID) TREATMENT” [found here: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-treatment-challenging/] a list of treatment options and goals are provided. Treatment options are:

[Transcript: Dissociative Identity Disorder Treatment Types

Dissociative identity disorder is primarily treated with psychotherapy of various types. According to the Cleveland Clinic, the following are DID therapy types:

Psychotherapy – often thought of as “talk therapy.” This DID therapy encourages communication of conflicts and insight into problems.

Cognitive therapy – involves changing dysfunctional thought patterns.

Family therapy – helps to educate the family about the disorder, recognize its presence as well as work through issues that have developed in the family because of dissociative identity disorder.

Creative therapies such as art or music therapy – allows the patient to explore thoughts, feelings and memories in a safe and creative way.]

Treatment goals are as follows:

[Transcript: Dissociative Identity Disorder Treatment Goals

There are many dissociative identity disorder treatment goals. The goals of DID treatment include ensuring the safety of the patient, symptom relief as well as:

“Reconnecting” all existing DID alters into one, well-functioning identity

Allowing the person to safely express and process painful memories

Developing new and healthy coping skills

Restoring functionality

Improving relationships]

We are in therapy and have been for the past two years, seeing a therapist weekly (Wednesday’s at 5:30) which has been beneficial to us and helped us with symptom relief, safety (AJAX no longer poses a threat to me), processing trauma, developing functionality and improving relationships. The only area that we do not, have not, and will not ‘work on’ is integration. Integration is the 'reconnection’ of alters and is not a healthy or tenable option for us and would cause us more harm than good at this point in our lives. Our therapist, a trained medical professional, agrees. Ezri, who is a teenager and not a trained medical professional, decided otherwise and considered it the only acceptable form of treatment and only valid form of treatment. Please note that the only reason they say I should get treatment (which I have been in for two years) is for their benefit, not mine, not anyone else’s. Just theirs.

The third paragraph states “I am not ableist. I don’t believe that I’m better than him because I don’t have the illness he has. I wouldn’t mind him having his illness at all if he weren’t hurting other people.” He begins saying that he is “not ableist” despite the numerous derogatory remarks he has made towards me and my system members about DID, frequently calling them less than human or not real, saying that he is “how things should be” and that we are not normal or less than human.

(Please note, during this conversation Lucille is fronting.)

[Transcript:

newt on a newt 12/11/2017 DID is caused by childhood trauma that is so severe that a child’s brain cannot handle it, causing the mind to splinter and break, forming a completely separate personality. 

panpunksexual 12/11/2017 Yes I know that. But Tyler thinks that you are all real people when you’re not  You’re just in his head. It’s all in his head 

newt on a newt 12/11/2017 “It’s all in his head” much in the same way you are in your own head. 

panpunksexual 12/11/2017 Yeah, but I’m only one person. That’s how things should be. And I don’t like getting worried one of you will make me cut myself again 

[Tyler’s note: no-one encouraged/told/made him self-harm, they told him not to. This is guilt-tripping.] 

Or that one day Tyler will disappear and not come back 

Nobody thinks about how all this makes me feel]

[Transcript:

panpunksexual 12/11/2017 If you’re not the original then you’re not real either]

(Note, the alter fronting here is Gl!!tch/Glitch, who has several typing quirks which I will transcribe as an original version and as a readable version) 

[Transcript: 

newt on a newt 12/12/2017 s0 y0u sxx l337 as lxss than human? [so you see L337 as less than human?] 

panpunksexual 12/12/2017 Yeah]

Ezri clearly seems to view DID/being a system as something that is unnatural and wrong, something to be “fixed” even when it is important to my survival. Their actions and words indicate and are proof of their ableism, which they are not exempt from just because they aren’t neurotypical. Having BPD/BD does not mean he cannot be prejudiced against other people.

“I wouldn’t mind him having his illness at all if he wasn’t hurting other people.” As said before, my DID hurt no one but Ezri and even then it was only a few people acting in defense of me, more comparable to your best friends telling someone who is hurting you to go fuck themself that to being hurt by an illness. “Other people” were not being hurt as anyone who is close to me can attest. They are attempting to use unnamed and made-up “other people” to back up their ungrounded accusations.

I agree with their final paragraph, however 'treatment’ should not just be for other people. Mentally ill people deserve therapy and help for themselves, they deserve to get better and feel loved and accepted. And yes, victims do not have to accept abuse simply because the perpetrators are mentally ill which is why I am no longer excusing Ezri’s actions.

Therefore, we will be presenting all of our evidence against the false accusations that Ezri has made on their blog (shown at the top). This evidence will be separated across multiple posts, and a masterpost will be made.

[fearlessinger]

Infinity War

I’m still not sure I can make a read more that works so in case it doesn’t...

SPOILERS ALL THE SPOILERS BELOW I‘M GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT FREELY DO NOT LOOK FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET SPOILED 

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

I… enjoyed it.

I know, right??? What the fuck. I mean the context here is I spent the past 2 years making up worst case scenarios in my mind so like… I had already accepted and made peace with a lot. And some things I had seen coming from miles away (last november precisely, when I saw Ragnarok’s mid credits scene and I decided I’d ignore both it and whatever was going to happen afterwards just to be safe. Isn’t it great that Thor + his supporting cast got such a perfect ending and made it to Earth where they were welcomed and thrived and helped the planet thrive in return??? Yeah!!!)

That said. It was... so much better than what I feared it would be. Seriously SO MUCH BETTER. It had good, even great moments. And in the end it did what I never thought Marvel would dare, and it was! positively thrilling! To see! I LOVED IT GUYS! I loved it so much it managed to do what I didn’t think possible: IT MADE ME EXCITED FOR THE NEXT ONE. 

Which I am perfectly aware is a double edged sword because now I NEED the next one to DELIVER on what I felt the ending of this one was promising and if it doesn’t, well in a year I might have very different things to say about both movies, but right now??? LOVING IT, LOVING IT SO MUCH. 

I LOVE death and resurrection arcs, I could never get enough of them, and the fact that the people being set up for them are the (relatively) NEW CHARACTERS!!! MY FAVES!!! WHO WILL ALL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE!!! Y’all. I had considered that they might end this on The Snap but I was expecting it to kill a bunch of unimportant side characters plus maybe a Bucky, thrown in just to make the whole thing feel at least a bit impactful. I was expecting to agonize over whether or not these people would be brought back for an entire year. I was expecting at most that 1 or 2 of the Original Avengers might die, and that they would be the ones who were actually going to be resurrected in A4, cementing the notion that nothing ever can really significantly change in the MCU. BUT INSTEAD!!!

So yeah, I guess I have to give it to Marvel. They really did this. And provided they stick the landing, I’m 100% on board. If you really gotta have permanent deaths, then they should be reserved for Vision those who have earned them through several movies worth of development and screentime, and now for the first time I’m starting to believe this might actually end up being the case at the end of part 2. 

Meanwhile the stakes have never been higher for the characters who remained at the end of this one. And that’s what’s important: that THIS IS REAL FOR THEM. I can’t wait to see how they go about fixing it, and what they'll have to go through in the process, and what they’ll have to give up to reach their goal in the end.

Now, for the rest of THE GOOD:

- Y’all!!! My guy. My dude. My Bucky. He was treated SO WELL! ONLY ONE ABLEIST JOKE AND IT CAME FROM ROCKET SO IT DIDN’T CARRY ANY TRUE ANIMOSITY AND IT WAS SAID TO BUCKY HIMSELF AND BUCKY GOT TO REPLY! LIKE SURE ROCKET WAS RUDE BUT IT WAS AN EXCHANGE BETWEEN EQUALS (actually Bucky had just finished saving Rocket’s furry ass)! AND T'CHALLA SPOKE TO HIM! LIKE THREE WHOLE WORDS! THERE WAS AN ENTIRE SCENE (A WHOLE 10 SECONDS AT LEAST) DEVOTED TO HIM SPECIFICALLY, CATCHING US UP ON HIS LIFE IN WAKANDA, ON HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH T’CHALLA WHO BROUGHT HIM THE NEW ARM BUT WAS RELUCTANT TO ASK (BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A GOOD, CARING MAN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH) BUT BUCKY UNDERSTOOD IMMEDIATELY AND HE WAS LIKE WHERE’S THE FIGHT NO HESITATION ONLY GRIM RESOLVE AND IT WAS THE BEST SCENE IN THE MOVIE WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION ALONE SO MUCH SAID AND SHOWED IN SO LITTLE TIME I AM GOING TO MAKE A SEPARATE POST TO GUSH ABOUT THIS AT LENGTH IT WAS SO GOOD IT WAS A GIFT TO ME PERSONALLY I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGIES RUSSOS

Also Steve and Bucky hugged I guess, not that I car- *sobbing* I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. DID YOU SEE STEVE’S REACTION WHEN BUCKY TURNED INTO DRY LEAVES??? I HAD READ THE SPOILERS AND NOBODY MENTIONED STEVES REACTION SO I DIDN’T EXPECT WE’D GET ONE and as he stood there looking understandably stunned I was like ok this is it, annnnd now they’re gonna cut to another person or someth--- OH. OH. oh. And I swear to god time SLOWED DOWN FOR ME right then and there and I saw the rest of it in slow motion and he started lowering his hand and I distinctly remember having the time to think it’s not gonna happen he’s not gonna touch the leaves that’d be too gay they already hugged we’re not gonna get more than this it’s not happ--- HE’S… HE’S TOUCHING THE LEAVES!!! AND ALSO MY HEART!!1 THAT WAS. THAT SURE WAS AN EMOTION HE WAS FEELING THERE. STEVE. FOR BUCKY. A WHOLE EMOTION! A WHOLSDHFFKGGKFJGH EMOTION THAT HE EXPRESSED! WITH HIS HANDS! AND HIS FACE! AND MAYBE HIS VOICE IM NOT ACTUALLY SURE BECAUSE AT THAT POINT I WAS IN AS MUCH SHOCK AS STEVE WAS, not at Bucky’s ‘‘‘‘‘death’’’’’, but at STEVE’S REACTION OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH STEVE my poor, depressed ball of righteous anger oh my god (*)

(*) now you might be thinking I’m blowing all of this a tiny bit out of proportions because my expectations were so low and you’d be COMPLETELY RIGHT. But hey. Let me ride this happy feeling as far as it carries me, we’ve got a whole year ahead to get worried and pessimistic again.

- SAM MY ANGEL, you got some good fight scenes and some nice banter with Rhodey and you and Bucky stood side by side one (1) time and I wished more for you (and me) but I’m now pretty hopeful you’ll get it in the not so distant future. I think my reaction to the Sam stuff here is the most objectively fair because I had moderate-to-somewhat good expectations for him and based on those what he got was… ok. I’m fine with it and I’m hopeful for his future.

- Shuri being smarter than everyone and playfully cocky about it was delightful and SHE BETTER BE OK AFTER THAT MINION THREW HER DOWN THE STAIRS. I mean I’m sure she is, but I’d have appreciated getting some sort of confirmation. Since Marvel seems to have listened to me in the past I’ll say A4 should open with her, letting us know how she’s doing and how she’s coping with T’Challa’s sudden disappearance.

- a special mention for the little moment T’Challa and M’Baku shared on the battlefield, greeting each other as brothers, friends and comrades whose mutual respect and admiration has only grown in time.

-”I am Groot.” “... I am Steve Rogers.” I admit it, that made me laugh.

- Nebula survived! Not sure what this says about her chances of surviving part 2 but I thought she was a goner so I’m grateful. I think I’m really getting attached to her. Please don’t die Nebula, I love you.

- Loki’s death was well handled, I think. If it sticks, I’m more than ok with it. It wasn’t as glorious or as flashy as he probably would have wanted it, but it was incredibly sincere, and all the more heroic for it. It touched me, and that’s not nothing.

- in the end I was basically happy with everyone’s part in this except for Thor (and Heimdall, and their people jfc)… and maybe Gamora? I loved her and Nebula and I even felt something for her and Quill, and her relationship with Thanos resonated painfully with me. I don’t know if I’m ok with her being permanently dead though. If that’s what she is? I mean one way to look at it is that she basically died to save Nebula, and I can’t be completely mad at that, especially if Nebula plays a crucial role in Thanos’s defeat next year, but on the other hand her death was so fucking sad, and she deserved so much better.

The DIDN’T HATE IT, BUT I’D DEFINITELY HAVE DONE IT DIFFERENTLY:

- Thanos. He is without a doubt the real main character of this piece. Which is 100% not the choice I’d have made. A movie in which the 35 heroes all gathered for the occasion are the actual protagonists still seems like a much better one. 

But this is the movie we got, and I have to admit it kinda… works. For what it is. I mean, forget all the stupid shit that we’ve been told in interviews: this is a guy who genuinely, sincerely seems like he only wants to do what he thinks is right, who genuinely, sincerely seems to care, and since this is his movie we’re supposed to believe that’s true, the movie itself asks us to. Except… once we do, we need to start making jokes about how dumb he is for not realizing that once he has the stones he could solve overpopulation 20 times over and counting without actually killing anyone. And so his carefully constructed castle of lies crumbles: leaving the truth exposed: he really doesn’t care about anything other than his own self inflated ego, he really only wants the ability to play god with other people’s lives, and pretend he’s doing it out of mercy rather than selfishness. It works. I’m not sure we can credit the writers and directors for it… considering all the stupid shit they’ve been saying in interviews for months… I’m really not sure this is what they were going for? They kinda make it sound like it isn’t. But hey, while I was watching the movie? It came across that way, at least well enough that I think I have to appreciate it a little bit.

Besides, by getting to know Thanos better we get to know and understand Gamora and Nebula better too, which is certainly something I won’t complain about. 

But on the other hand Gamora’s permanent death (if that’s what it is) coming at the hand of her abusive stepfather in a movie that treats her abusive stepfather as The Protagonist… is… not good. I REALLY hope she can be brought back to life in A4. Somehow.

- I understand they had to squeeze this entire film into the mandatory (apparently) 2.5 hrs limit, but I really wish they had found a way to do it by cutting more of Thanos, or more of the heroes on Titan, and less of everything that was going on in Wakanda. Coincidentally “there wasn’t enough Wakanda” was also the main complaint of the friends I saw this with.

The BAD:

- They really killed half of the Asgardians. They really did that. God. My only consolation is that the other half of them, led by Valkyrie and Korg and Miek, must have surely managed to escape. Don’t any of you dare try to talk me out of this headcanon. Don’t you dare.

- THOR, SWEETHEART, I’M SO SORRY. You’re the ‘Bucky’ this time around, except while CW treated Bucky like shit it still added good, meaningful stuff to his characterization, whereas IW… didn’t even tell us anything new about Thor, did it? It just took and took and took and took from him. Not gonna lie folks, I expected pretty much all of this and it still hit me hard. But hey, at least I didn’t feel like IW was trying to tell me that Thor deserved it.

[theinkstainsblog]

hey are you like,,,, a doctor bc if not then the fact that you diagnosed yourself means almost nothing? just asking bc you should probably go to a professional and get some help (if you don't want help then what's the point of even diagnosing yourself? makes no sense at all)

Oooookay wow there is a lot to unpack here.

I’ve actually spoken before on this blog and my side blogs about why I believe I have an anxiety disorder. I’ll do it again with some bullet points for you now but you really ought to know that this is an incredibly personal topic and it’s pretty fucking inappropriate for you to come in so rudely with this. I’m honestly happy to answer any questions people have about my mental health because visibility is important and that’s why I’m answering this even though you’ve kind of pissed me off with the way you asked. Just don’t expect me to be polite about it (like I would be if you’d asked nicely).

It’s pretty clear to anyone that knows me that my mental health is not good. I have panic attacks. I often don’t sleep. Sometimes I get so anxious I can’t go to class because the thought is terrifying to me. For a period I was self-harming, I still have intrusive thoughts about that even though I’ve been clean for a long while. 

When I say that I’m getting anxious about stuff I don’t mean “getting a bit anxious before a test or a presentation” because everybody gets those feelings. I mean having that panicky, heart thudding, hands sweating, want to cry, can’t breathe anxious feeling about twenty times a day every single day and when I’m not feeling that I’m feeling a heavyweight of dread in my chest about the next thing. 

For example, this morning that meant that I was panicking about going to my lecture because I haven’t been in a few days (that in itself is because I’m an anxious loop where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t belong at uni, I don’t deserve it and that everyone can tell I’m an idiot who’s here by mistake). I was anxious that someone would call me out on it, I was anxious that there was work I’d missed that I’d need for today, I was worried everyone would stare at me because they know I’m stupid, I was worried that for some reason I’d have to give a presentation I’m not prepared for. Then I got anxious about whether or not to wear a jacket - what if it’s too cold and I don’t? What if it’s too hot and I do and then people think I’m dumb because it’s not jacket weather? What if I need it for outside but then I have to take it off when I get there? What if I get caught in the arm and everyone notices and it takes me ages to get it off and they’re all judging me? What if while I’m struggling I knock something off the desk and draw attention to myself? What if, what if, what if. My whole day goes like that. I have to go through a list of a hundred questions for every tiny decision that I make - decisions that others can make in two seconds. I’m sure you can imagine how that gets pretty exhausting pretty quickly. 

It’s not like I just decided “oh that means I have generalised anxiety disorder then” one day either. I spent weeks looking into it (and no, that doesn’t mean the same as a doctor diagnosis and I could be wrong about it - although doctors are wrong quite often too so…). At first, I thought I had social anxiety because a lot of things that set off my anxiety are to do with worrying how other people are seeing me. When I looked that up though, it didn’t fit me. So I knew it wasn’t that. Then I see GAD so I looked into it and it was a eureka moment. Not only were all the things I knew to be true about my experience with anxiety on there, but so was a whole bunch of other stuff that I kind of thought was just me being weird (like sleeping for longer than a normal person - like 12 hours sometimes - and still being exhausted all the time). 

So with that in mind, it seems pretty damn likely to me that I have GAD. However, I still mention in my bio that its self-diagnosed not because I think I’m an expert but for the exact opposite - I am not an expert and people should know when I talk about my mental health that I don’t have an official diagnosis and that I am not speaking as an expert. I just wanna talk about it and help people out if I can. 

Also, anxiety runs in my family. My aunt and mum both struggle with anxiety. My mum has therapy every week. GAD can run in families or it can be caused by an abusive childhood. I didn’t have an abusive childhood but my mum did and a lot of my anxious behaviours and thoughts I’ve picked up from her. 

I’ve actually talked to my mum about this an awful lot. She’s not a doctor either - she is a senior nurse who’s been working for nearly thirty years though if that helps. And yeah she is biased because I’m her daughter so she can’t properly diagnose me, but she’s also a nurse so you know, she’s seen it all before and never ever makes a fuss if there isn’t a need. 

And yeah, I do want help with managing it. I’m getting some - I practice self-compassion workshops online which if you do them enough teach you to be aware of your body and feelings and get you to either let the anxious thoughts out like catharsis if that’s what you need, or other workshops that teach you how to head off an anxious thought before you get in that loop. But now that I’m at uni I’m also exploring options to get some counselling. And potentially a proper diagnosis. 

So yeah anon, I’m not a doctor. But I know myself a hell of a lot better than you do and I know this sure as fuck isn’t neurotypical because when I talk about it with people who aren’t anxious, they look at me like I’m mad. Now in future, bear in mind that this might be hard for people to talk about and also that it affects you precisely zero percent, so butt out and stop being ableist, Jesus.

Peace!

[autistic-dragonkid]

i think anon has a point although they could have been less harsh:

i see stuff like they are saying all the time. not so much the “fake autistic people” part, I don’t like to call people fake, but the autistic people who have less troublesome symptoms ignoring and insulting people who have more severe and so less cute and quirky symptoms

they say things like, “well i’m not like that, not all autistic people are like that!” in a way that suggests being like ‘that’ is bad. they say rude things like “am i having a stroke” to people who have typing difficulties. They say things like “men who talk about the things they like a lot or are nervous talking to girls are selfish and annoying and bad”, not even thinking about what if the man is autistic?

And one time I really hated I saw a bunch of radfems who said they were autistic themselves, calling autistic men who are dependent on their parents are lazy burdens on everybody, and saying high functioning autistic girls are better that low functioning autistic boys because “at least they can understand the importance of hygiene” and that people who have trouble with hygiene or using the bathroom are gross. That they just need to “try harder” to not be a burden and a loser and be a “good” autistic instead. That people diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers are better because they are geniuses, and low functioning Autistic people are just useless r*tards. Etc.

And again it is people who claim to be autistic THEMSELVES who are doing all those awful things. I think there really is a problem with low-support autistic people being rude and ableist to high-support autistic people, even if they don’t even realize they’re doing it.

unpopular opinion that sounds edgy but bare with me here. nobody on this damn site has autism bc nobody here knows what it actually is. they just water down adhd symptoms a nd misdiagnose themselves and use their fake diagnosis as an excuse to put down actual autistic people who's symptoms aren't as cute and digestible and like actually struggle to take care of themselves bc we make them Look Bad

huge disagree as an autistic person on this damn site lol

[fractalfractures]

On Tumblr

Remember the post that went around recently comparing SJ discourse to conservative Christianity? I made the mistake of checking the notes, and was surprised to see a lot of people getting super offended, not because they were defensive on behalf of Christianity, nor because they thought it was unfairly characterizing social justice and none of the trends described are actually prevalent among *real* feminists or whatever ... no, because queer people are oppressed in the name of Christianity and HOW DARE YOU COMPARE US TO OUR OPPRESSORS DON’T YOU KNOW HOW GROSS AND OPPRESSIVE THAT IS. And I saw someone talking about how seeing the post come across their dash made them feel grossed out and was ruining their day, and seeing them say that made me feel super triggered at how the legit and serious harm that people like me have suffered in the name of social justice is dismissed and calling attention to it is labeled violence.

And the blatant symmetry there made me realize something. Whenever anyone tries to talk about whether social justice communities are toxic a lot of their staunchest defenders talk about how incredibly healing and empowering the communities are for them and how they function as safe spaces for them to work through their trauma and like ... look at reality. Look what actually happens in most Tumblr arguments. What’s actually happening is a bunch of oppressed people RE-TRAUMATIZING each other over and over again. Like, the fact that I get so upset by things I read here that I can’t function isn’t due to me as an individual being Not Progressive Enough, it’s a feature of Tumblr discourse norms that has little to do with my flaws as an individual and can happen to *anyone* no matter how hard they work to conform themselves to the Tumblr Hivemind.

And for some reason the last couple of weeks my dash has been full of examples of how Tumblr turns every single minor difference of opinion into a flamewar between opposing factions with no middle ground. Concerned about how mental illness support groups can turn into people reinforcing each others’ hopeless pessimism about ever learning to manage their conditions better? LOOK AT THIS ABLEIST SCUM TELLING ME I NEED TO BE “CURED” OF MY IDENTITY. Feel like body positivity has had strangely little impact on your own body image issues and those of the people around you, and think it might work better if there were less of an emphasis on challenging mainstream beauty standards and more on directly challenging the idea that attractiveness equals worth in the first place? YOU’VE NEVER SPOKEN TO A *TRUE* BODY POSITIVE ACTIVIST OR YOU’D KNOW WE ARE PERFECT AND BEYOND REPROACH STOP MISREPRESENTING US. A particularly stupid argument that showed up on my dash recently about whether you’re allowed to have triggers that are racist or sexist or not having cured yourself of that trauma yesterday makes you a terrible person. And out of curiosity I went to OP’s blog (mostly because I was having a bit of trouble following the argument and keeping track of who was on what side) and saw that just about everything else they wrote was that same level of incredibly terrible. Like, they were calling out the entire Ace community for being terrible oppressors because they hadn’t called out one of their own (as in, some random blogger who happened to be ace) and shunned them for being Problematic. Where the Problematic thing that person had done was ... make an unintentionally offensive post and, once notified that it was anti-Semitic, delete it. And acknowledge to anyone who brought it up that yeah, they were sorry they had posted it. But apparently they hadn’t made the right kind of “apology post” which showed they were utter scum and anyone would forgive them for that was also scum.

(So I don’t know why reasonable people were treating that troll as someone worth interacting with in the first place. Seems to me to be exactly the kind of person you can confidently block without worrying that you’ll miss out on anything important.)

Also, it’s been interesting to note that that person’s description said they were 17, and a lot of the nastiest people I’ve seen on this site, both radfems and users with blogs entirely about how radfems should all kill themselves, are age 15-17. I was around 17 when I discovered social media, and I spent a lot of my first couple of years being incredibly stupid and also sometimes quite belligerent and rude and I cringe badly to think about it now ... but I definitely never felt the urge to call people disgusting freaks who should die or send them anonymous messages telling them to kill themselves. Like, I really don’t think it requires an unreasonable level of maturity not to do those things, or that this is the inevitable result of allowing teenagers to have blogs. Something is seriously wrong here, guys.

(And on Twitter. I’ve never seen much point in using Twitter, but from what I can tell the main difference is that the people getting into stupid name-calling arguments are doing so under their real names, and then every celebrity’s spat gets reported on in the mainstream media.)