#i do not understand instant romo attraction

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is meeting someone new for the first time, them confessing their love for you, and you doing two things ; panicking because "yay stress" and being confused because, this person just met you, there's literally nothing they know about you that warrants them seeing you that way.

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[my-darling-boy]

Sorry if this is a bit personal, but how did you know you were ace? I have been questioning ace or demi (homo-romo) for a while and haven't been sure

I knew I was ace before I knew I was gay. When I was younger, the only thing that really stood out clearly to me, even though I couldn’t tell who I liked at first, was how I liked people when I happened to. Crushes at school were always really short lived and never developed beyond crushes. I couldn’t understand how everyone around me was having thoughts about people beyond, “they’re cute”. I never understood this preoccupation with sex other people had, cos the whole thing to me felt completely uninteresting. While kids in health class would giggle at all the sex talk, I couldn’t understand why they had a reason to act like that. I have different thoughts about people now, but I still have a lot of tendencies I did when I was young. I mean, I still think about a guy I met for like 10 minutes 3 years ago cos... I just haven’t sustained a romantic attraction since then? To this day he’s one of the only guys I know I’ve had a consistent liking for. I’m not “stuck on him”, I know he’s gone and that’s fine, it’s just that..... I’ve not found anyone since him who’s peaked my interest the way he did. I can’t think to any recent legitimate men I like because... I just don’t have any. There are maybe...... 3 guys I KNOW I’ve liked in the past 22 years?

I’m still learning things I’ve always done thinking “Oh everyone does that,” is actually something I find out is part of being ace. I learned less than a year ago that when people say someone is sexy, they usually mean a person is sexually exciting, and not just, ”That person is nice :)” and a few days ago I had an hour long conversation with my mom and sister about dating cos it occurred to me I didn’t fundamentally understand what dating meant even though I’d been using the word for years. I don’t experience attraction the same way as allo people, so stuff they view as “normal” to me is abnormal for me. Like, I could never accept a date from a person I just met and people who approach me immediately and admit their feelings for me make me uncomfortable—which, not their fault—it’s only that I have a period of time I have to take, usually 2-6 months, where I determine if I like someone and allo people are not used to that. Someone coming right out with their love makes me anxious cos while they’re head over heels for me, I feel really bad not knowing how I feel... which is why I prefer the friends-to-lovers scenario which gives us time to steadily gravitate. I’ve only gone instant, genuine Heart Eyes over a guy those 3 times.

And of course, the thought of having sex with a person never crossed my mind and made my skin crawl every time I tried to imagine it. Though I have differing thoughts on things I’d do with a partner now as an adult than I did at 13, the asexuality obviously still remains, because the fact is I still don’t feel that way towards people, no matter what acts I feel comfortable carrying out with a person. Sorry this got long, but I guess that’s sort of how I’d describe it!

[fragilehuge]

sexuality rambling. also holy shit this is long. don’t feel pressured to read it lmao. mostly i’m trying to exorcise some thoughts i’ve been having for a while.

tbh i don’t really understand how people have enough DATA to identify as demiromantic or gray-whatever because i?? probably am?? but i just personally don’t feel comfortable id’ing that way because i just don’t KNOW.

like, i definitely do experience sexual attraction to men and women etc so “bi” is fine and i feel confident about that. but up until i met allie i just??? wasn’t sure if i could even FEEL romantic feelings or want to be in a relationship with a specific person? (like i wanted to be in a relationship IN GENERAL, abstractly--being ~in love~ seemed nice and everything--but i didn’t specifically want to be with any particular person, so it seemed like a non-starter.)

i’ve definitely had crushes in my life, but my crushes have always been such weird like.... idealizations of people i hardly know?? literally every crush i’ve ever had, the more i got to know the person, and the more an Actual romantic relationship seemed possible.... the less i liked them!!!!! like the Thing that seemed to cause me to get a crush on someone was that 1. i found them sexually attractive and 2. i didn’t know very much about them or have a real relationship with them, so they didn’t return my feelings at all. literally every single time that i was interested in someone and they started to mutually kinda like me back, i was like, “whoooaoooooohhhhhh WAIT. let’s Not do this. Goodbye.”

the longest crushes i maintained were with people who i had some kind of sexual attraction to but who i remained emotionally distant enough from that i didn’t ACTUALLY learn anything about them as a person, and didn’t actually have any ~romantic~ contact with. (there was EVEN a case where i had a bad crush on a dude i was hooking up with occasionally, and once he asked me out to breakfast after sleeping over and i said NO and made him toast.... because.... going out to breakfast seemed like a date?? and i ???? wasn’t comfortable??? with something so date-like??? EVEN THOUGH OSTENSIBLY I HAD ““““ROMANTIC”““ FEELINGS FOR THIS MAN AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN INTO THAT IDEA fkjsdfkjsf)

like looking back (and comparing to the Definitely Romantic feelings i feel now with my girlfriend), all of my “crushes” were just me desperately trying to build up romantic feelings out of nothing, whenever and wherever i could, because i WANTED to feel a romantic connection SO FUCKING BADLY. but i just couldn’t. i didn’t feel it!! i wasn’t comfortable!! whenever any of my crushes actually started to pan out in a real way i FREAKED OUT and was SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE because.... i didn’t actually want a romantic relationship with them.... i didn’t want them to feel something for me because i absolutely did not return it.... dljdkljt

and by like.... last year i had sort of started to piece together that i was Not doing the romance thing like everyone else. i know tons of people who have been in relationship after relationship and my thought process was always like HOW????? because..... wowza i had a legitimate CRUSH like once every three years, so how the fuck??? all through college i didn’t really want to think too hard about it (me, desperately: I’LL MEET SOMEONE EVENTUALLY???). but i never ~magically~ met someone in my friend group who i wanted to date who wanted to date me back like everyone else did.... (and in retrospect, if the people i’d wanted to date had actually wanted to date me back?? i probably would have immediately changed my mind)

so then all through the second half of college/the year after i graduated, i forced myself to do online dating, even though i fucking hated it, because i figured if i didn’t try then i was definitely going to be alone forever. but i hated it!! it was so awkward!!! like, how could i want to be with someone i hardly knew??? but you just have to PRETEND and go to DINNER and take WALKS and do all these romantic things with a STRANGER and it’s just.... horrible awkward and weird. i was constantly in literal fear that someone would try to kiss me or hold my hand. like. it was so terrible. but i kept trying!!!! because i wanted to want someone!!!! i wanted to feel something so badly!!!! (do you know how many okcupid dates i’ve been on!!!??? UGH.)

so then by the time i was 23 i was kind of like. okay....... so ...... i really don’t want to keep trying to date. i hate dating. i literally hate it so much. and i was sort of like, maybe i’m aro? like??? that seemed like a plausible explanation for why i’d never felt a sustained romantic feeling in my Life and why dating was so fucking impossible for me??? and i didn’t LIKE the idea that i was aro because i really wanted to want someone!!!! but i couldn’t make myself!!! and i felt so .... ugh. just. sad and lonely and broken. but it wasn’t actually like i could change how i was? as a person?? so it was like. Fine. Okay. It’s okay to be like this.

......but when i met my girlfriend it was just... different? i don’t. i don’t know why. i mean a large part of it was that we were friends first and there wasn’t, like, any awkwardness or fear on my part that it would BECOME romantic. and then when it sort of... already WAS romantic, i was? okay with it?? and when i told her i liked her.... and she liked me back.... and we started doing Explicitly Romantic Things.... i liked it??? i’d never liked those things before???

like literally when we first started dating the biggest shock to me was. that i was so comfortable??? i was literally so comfortable. i liked her!!!! i wanted her to like me!!!! IT WAS SO WEIRD. I’D NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT BEFORE???? is that what happens with everyone??? what????????

????

???

so anyway. i don’t. understand my sexuality at all. i’m still not sure if i’m ~romo~ and bisexual and just... picky? i mean that’s a p simple explanation. it doesn’t feel quite right???

and like i’m plausibly...? a lesbian....? and the reason dating was so terrible was because i was mostly trying to date men?? (i did go on some dates with women!! which went better than the dates with guys!! but only marginally...?). except i don’t think that’s the case because. i am sexually attracted to dudes. i honestly don’t think i could ever date a man, but i don’t want to categorize all of the sex i’ve had with men in the past as like, coerced sex that i had because of heteronormativity, because i don’t think that was the case. y’know? i wanted to have that sex. i wasn’t forcing myself to pretend i wanted it.

so then i’m like, okay, maybe i’m bisexual but just. mostly romantically connected to women (~homoromantic bisexual~??) .... but honestly, even that is thin? because... it’s not like i have had tons of successful romantic connections with women either?? yes, the most successful romantic relationship of my life is with a woman!! i love her!! but she’s... the only person i’ve ever been in love with? and she’s the only person i’ve even come CLOSE to being in love with. so.

like, sure, i have a hard time imagining dating a man, but i have only a marginally less difficult time imagining dating a woman or an nb person?? probably the closest i ever came to feeling ~real~ romantic feelings before allie was with an nb person who i SUPER connected with on okcupid. and it was like, an instant magnetic click? like, friendship-wise, but it was also ~More~. and we were sending tons and tons of messages back and forth for several days. i don’t remember exactly how long? but then i found out they were still dating their old gf, even though they were ACTIVELY looking for someone else on okcupid???? (i mean they were looking for “friends” but.... it was Clear what was going on.) and that. instantly killed my feelings for them. because deciding you needed to break up with your gf and then looking for someone else to date before breaking up with them, just so you could make sure you had someone else waiting, seemed..... so unbelievably shitty that i couldn’t be involved in it. (i get that this person wasn’t, like, THINKING about it that way, and breaking up with someone can be super hard, and the ~connection~ me and them had probably surprised them too!! but. i wasn’t able to see it that way at the time.)

(and also mostly it was just that i really really really liked them and really wanted to date them, and thought that was what was ~starting~ to happen!! and then i found out they were not-single by surprise!!! and that................. hurt a lot. it swear it felt like a physical snap when i realized that they weren’t single. it was like. before and i knew and after i knew i felt completely differently. i couldn’t go back.)

(to this day part of me is like, “you two could have Actually dated” and part of me is like “your feelings were so fickle that they instantly died when they hurt your feelings once?? like?? that’s not the beginning of a lasting connection lmao. you fooled yourself into thinking it was real like all the other times, but it was the same as always.” but who knows.)

anyway..... where all of this leaves me is i’m .... probably? possibly? a-spec. probably demiromantic. probably bisexual. definitely queer. and that’s all i got.