#i do not care how much it isat this point because they can have my money

[gardenofskeletonss]

THEY DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE I DO

[cads-the-cat]

It's been like 5 mins and I'm far from recovering from the graphic novel announcement. MY JAW DROPPED, I'M LOSING MY MIND, WHAT THE FUCK?? I think that's the end of my comprehensive thoughts

DO YOU EVEN UNDRSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS? WE MIGHT GET CONFIRMED LORE!!! LIKE ACTUAL CONFIRMED LORE BEYOND THE TINY BITS VESSEL GAVE US IN 2018 OR WHENEVER

IMAGINE WE MIGHT GET SPEECH BUBBLES! CHARACTERS TALKING! VESSEL TALKING AND SAYING THINGS

[dasnercaret]

i had so much fun drawing this guy it's unreal. please observe siffrin from @protectorcraft's fic a bell chimes somewhere!! what a dude. what a lad. what a weirdo (positive)

some more details under the cut! (spoilers for isat and the fic under the cut as well!)

i imagine that since siffrin's creachur form has something to do with wish craft, it wasn't too far-fetched to say that his eye would be colored too, especially given how the sky kid focused on it. however since this isn't his wish to stay with his family, i thought it would be nice to make it a different color... something representing the universe........ Sky Blue It Is

it helps that i am also obsessed with shades of sky blue AND the line from the fic that the sky kid said that it had "everything" in its eyes

i didn't illustrate it, but i think it would be extra cool if creachur siff's eye color changed as per time of day. just because. he's like the eye color version of that one 'do you love the color of the sky' post

i like to imagine that siffrin still has a strange Light in his eyes even when in his human disguise. can't remember if the fic mentions it or not but he has a sky blue highlight in those eyes now in my design. because i can :3

speaking of human disguise, i like to think that even with his transformation he's still not that subtle. mirabelle picks up immediately that he's weird but also that he's friendly and VERY good at survival, and so isn't too bothered by his... quirks. this might end up being canon to the fic honestly but i just wanted to trot out my two cents regardless while i'm here

i'm hoping i managed to communicate some of that off-putting nature in his face! especially his eyes. they're almost unnaturally gray aside from that strange highlight

i originally wanted to make his eyes even weirder but then i thought that being Too Weird would kind of defeat the point, and the point of this is that siffrin kind of has to pass as a normal human which means no glowing pupils, unfortunately. i can totally Give Him Pupils though. gotta get that subtle horror/ creepiness in :3

he gets glowing pupils / tapetum lucidum in the dark though. or when he's angry (see top left). as a treat

didn't draw his in between state (between human and dragon) but i imagine it looks kinda fucked up ! his horn and ears grow, his tail gets longer, teeth get sharper, his whole face sort of. Distorts. in a distinctly uncanny valley way. the blue highlight starts bleeding into his eyes (and his pupils start transforming from round to slit to star-shaped)

continuing, this in-between form in my head is sorta like the dragonkin soldiers from elden ring, just in terms of 'this is a weird hybrid of human and dragon and it just Doesn't Work'. like human, cool, dragon, cool, in between? fucked

siffrin is INSANELY floofy. even with the fact that he hasn't bathed in ages and his floof is all matted and tangled from lack of care he's still crazy soft. i think his fur also has similar insulating properties to his cloak so he never overheats or gets too cold. always the Perfect Temperature

if i were more confident in my skills (and which way this fic is going to end up going) i would have drawn a big hero 6 style moment where everyone is just lying with their face buried in siffrin's fur, like how everyone lays on warm marshmellow baymax.

i originally meant for siffrin to be more cursed and body-horror-y, and then i was looking at the fic descriptions for him (as of chapter 7, so there may be more detail later that i didn't get to see as of writing this) and was like 'wait... he kind of looks like the dragons from BOTW doesn't he' and then the inherent majesty kind of. just. Happened.

i like the fact that he looks kind of majestic though! i think it's a good representation of siffrin's terrible body image issues in this fic where honestly he looks awesome but he just doesn't realize it because, hello negative self-worth

didn't color the last doodles of human siff at the top left. apologies. i got sleeby

in another life mirabelle rides his dragon form into battle and it is exactly as awesome as it looks like it would be

kind of shoehorned my own oc into here as well but i SWEAR aleph is so absurdly similar to this design it's actually kind of hilarious. if i had a nickel for the number of space dragon designs i've made i'd have two, which isn't a lot but

and the full page of doodles! just cause

[m4g0hun]

in stars and time x dungeon meshi

(extra thoughts and ideas below!)

closeups!!

so this is more of a isat in dungeon meshi kinda au than the opposite, the idea is that the King is the dungeon lord/mad mage, his desire being to be able to freeze the dungeon and the country in time

The change belief still exists, and Mirabelle is still a housemaiden destined to save the counrty, so she goes to seek out companions who can help her on her journey

Everyone's reasoning to join is still the same as it was in the game

Also this isn't a redesign of them, more like a dungeon meshified version of their clothes + colors so they could fit in better (imo!!)

ok now onto some design notes!

Siffrin

originally he was just gonna be a half-foot, but i realized his wish to be able to stay with everyone would hit harder if he would outlive them, so i made them a half elf- halffoot

i removed his hat purely for aesthetic reasons lol, i think he would stand out too much in the dungeon meshi universe with it, but i suppose its true for ingame too so maybe ill give ut back to him if he behaves well

i also wanted to remove his hat so i could see the top if his beatifiul head

his poncho is a bit different, just a few small details so it would better in universe i think

he lost his eye in one of the previous dungeons they were going through

Mirabelle

she's still part of the change religion

i felt like her being an elf is pretty much perfect, no notes on that

i did have marcille in my mind while designing her outfit, and also theyre kinda similar overall i think?? idk but i love both of them

i gave her braids because its canon in the dungeon meshi universe that taking good care if your hair+unique hairstyles strengthen your magic and also i think its cute

Bonnie - the senshi of the group!!!

i wasn't sure what race i should make them at first because they're a kid so theres no point in chosing a shorter race to show their size i thought, but then i remember how cute gnomes are in the verse with their big ol ears so thats what they are haha

their design is probably my favorite out if anyone as well

i imagined they would join pretty much the same way senshi did

Odile

her race was also pretty much immediately decided

her clothes were the biggest struggle for me, not only figuring out how to make them look a bit more medieval-like but also the colors

i decided a while ago in my head that odiles color palette would be blue but it was still a struggle making her coat not look like a lab coat lol

maybe that was the intention but i really just wanted her to appear like a normal adventurer

Isabeau

as you can see on the page i have the least amount of ideas for him lol

i pretty much just had laios in my head while i was designing him

i do feel a bit bad for taking away his stripes and silly looking belt thingy but i felt its a bit too much for the dunmeshi verse

thats pretty much it i think!! not sure if i will draw more of this au, i just mainly wanted to get it out ot my head cus its been rotating in it since i played the game

[livesworthlivingau]

Behind the Vale Chapter 20

ISAT, Two Hats, AND SASASAP spoilers again! CW: More spiraling, negative self talk, pushing others away.

[You finally begin to let everything out. You explain who you used to be, you explain what you went through, you explain the horrible ways you were broken and what you've done because of that. You can't even tell the difference between dreams you've had, and things you've actually done at this point. You can't bring yourself to look at her as you speak, just staring at the floor while your words continue. locking up every last emotion you could.]

"And when we finally beat the king... I... I still went back... I looped again... after thousands of attempts I thought I'd finally won..." [Your hands scrunch into fists, gripping at your pants tightly, tears dropping down onto them again as you can't hold back anymore.]

"S-So... I gave up... I begged the universe, to make it stop, to send me help, for something, anything!... And that's when it sent me that blinding star... and I took it. I took my way out, and I erased everything... Myself, my family, my whole world, gone, all because... because I wasn't... I-I couldn't..." [You take a pause, and a deep breath... You have to hold it together. You have to get through this.]

"... I passed out from the pain of devouring a star whole, surprising, I know... and when I woke up... I was the star head you saw, and I was stuck in the loops again... guiding a parody of myself through the very same experience I was in." [The rage within you was starting to take over, burying every other emotion underneath it.]

"I gave everything up, just to help a copy do it instead... To do what I couldn't, to get their happy ending, to get their family when I-!... I-I..."

[You stop yourself, you can't bring yourself to say it again, the truth hurts too much, and you've already shown them what a pathetic waste you are... You notice her standing up out of the corner of your eye. You turn away, expecting her to walk out and leave you for good, as she should... Only to find yourself suddenly wrapped in her embrace, her arms tightly coiled around your form, her head on your shoulder, sobbing softly.]

"Vale... I'm so sorry you went through all that..." [She chokes out, holding you tighter. And there it is... the pity... and now we'll never be the same in her eyes, we're just broken, worthless, something to be handled with kid gloves. Her touch burns now, bubbling up the anger welling within you. You push her off of you, standing up and taking a couple steps away.]

"... You broke your promise already... Please just go, find Bonnie... be happy, Nille..."

"No! I'm not leaving you!"

"I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY!"

"I DON'T PITY YOU, YOU IDIOT!"

"THEN WHY ELSE WOULD YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?!"

"BECAUSE I-" [There's a knock at the door, interrupting you both. You turn away and try to hide your distraught, tearful expression. Nille takes a second to collect herself and heads to the door, slowly peeking it open to find the kind, elderly innkeeper who sold you the room.]

"Is everything alright in here?"

"Y-Yeah! Sorry, we didn't realize how loud we were getting, just uhh... been a stressful week!"

"Alright, if you two need anything, I'm just a few doors down."

"Th-Thank you very much ma'am, we'll be sure to keep it down."

"Of course, of course!" [She begins to head back to her room, mumbling softly under her breath.]

"Young love... so complicated."

[Nille closes the door again, sighing and regaining her composure before turning back to you, leaning against it almost defeated.]

"... I care about you Vale. Is that so hard to believe? That I can want you to be happy, and feel bad that something bad happened to you? That you deserve happiness?" [You hold yourself close still, not responding, and not looking back to her either, just standing there, unable to find a response.]

"Damnit, will you just look at me at least?" [You reluctantly turn to look at her, your expression trying to remain hardened, but very much failing as the pained sadness breaks through. She sighs again and pushes off the door, walking over to be in front of you. She holds up both her hands as if for you to place something in them.]

"Gimme your hands."

"Wh... What?"

"Your hands, let me see them!" [She orders, you're confused but you eventually give in, slowly placing your gloved hands on top of hers. She tightly grips them in her own, looking you in the eyes.]

"Now listen here you crabbing moron! You. Are. Deserving. Of. Love. Now say it back to me." [You blink in shock, giving an annoyed grimace, looking away and rolling your eyes.]

"I'm not going to say that..."

"Vale, you're going to say it, or I'm gonna get my hammer and beat the words into your skull myself. Now, Say. It." [You grumble some more, sighing as you realize you have no other way out of this, eventually complying after very long pause.]

"... I'm deserving of love."

"Nuhuh, can't hear you, say it for real."

"I'm... Deserving... of... l-love."

"I'm gonna get the hammer, I mean it."

"I'm deserving of love!! Are you happy now?!" [She just gives a bright smile and a chuckle.]

"Yeah, pretty much, I can still bonk you a couple times though if it'd help~." [You pull your hands back out of hers, crossing your arms with a pout, your cheeks burning some.]

"That won't be necessary."

"Hehe, alright, if you say so... and Vay?"

"... What?..."

"Thanks for telling me... really, it means a lot." [Your annoyed expression falters some, sighing out and turning away again, starting to get ready for bed.]

"Good night Nille..."

"Night Vay."

[torchstelechos]

Hi! I was looking at your blog and I was thinking about my own emotions during the game and...

My memory is not the best, but I remember that during the first conversation with my friends at the end of Act 2, I... Could really sympathize with Siffrin. Understand what drove him to do this

I mean, when all these characters started talking about how they would all go their separate ways, how they would "abandon" Siffrin (and us as a player by proxy), how they would all go home and just... Leave us aside, just asking to "drop by" sometimes?..

I felt like I couldn't let them go so soon.

And I should clarify, at that point I didn't know that Siffrin was the one causing the time loops, but something deep inside me already knew, so I looked at Mirabelle's game sprite and said "no, you're not going to be let go that easily, that's not going to happen" with tears in my eyes, because I hate saying goodbye, and I felt some... Strange resentment that they wanted to leave so soon, from Siffrin, from me

For me, that ending was unacceptable, unsatisfactory, and I was actually glad that the loops continued, even if it meant that Siffrin and I'd failed our "defeat the king, break the loops" mission, because it meant that I would be stuck with these characters for a while longer

And maybe Siffrin was also happy about it on some level, and I was actually on Siffrin's side here

It's just interesting how Siffrin and the player are so deeply connected on some level that you can feel a similar spectrum emotions that made Siffrin create this loop in the first place

It's interesting how the game pushes you to feel like you're in Siffrin's shoes when the characters talk so much about "going home and asking to visit sometimes" which felt like "leaving you behind"

So when the game told you that Siffrin is the reason the loops continue... I understood it. And even supported it

Hahaha... I hope it didn't sound like a crazy person xd

Good mood!

Howdy!! Happy you liked the stuff in my blog, i have a lot of emotions about the game and the character interactions. Which is why!!! I loved the very in depth description of your emotions about the games character stuffs!! I think its fascinating how well the game can connect the player to Siffrin, especially since the game holds no reservations in telling you that "No. You are not Siffrin. Siffrin is part of this world and you are not" which might sound harsh but it actually makes it very satisfying when you as the player can help Siffrin get his wish in the end. We aren't Siffrin, but we are helping them, and sometimes that means getting really emotionally invested in the same goal.

When I first started the ISAT experince, it was strange how much I felt connected to Siffrin because at first it is very much Oh! I did not feel this with SASASA! So,, its strange how much the different circumstances of the two games can change the outcome of the player's feelings. Going further into this, I did start with SASASA and then went into ISAT which informs an experience that I had not anticipated. With Loop, we were not there from the start and we as the player are only helping right at the end which makes it hard to connect to the same degree as Siffrin but we still care very deeply because of what we have seen. Loop is already knee deep into Act 4 mental anguish, we have no lead up, no build up, just that they are there and we have to help them. And then we fail. But we only find out in ISAT that we fail!! So, at first you can brush that aside as, We can do better! We can help them more than we did before! Then we get into ISAT and its,, different. Because now we know Siffrin from the start instead of right at the tail end of their spiral, we know how important everyone is to them, we know that its going to hurt when Siffrin gets to the end and loops back. We already know.

We have these preconceived conceptions of how this is going to go, but at every step we are wrongfooted because the game cares. Siffrin forgets the parties names, but Loop instantly goes to fix this and we the players can relax. We have someone to talk to! Who knows whats important and helps us get more into what Siffrin thinks because now we have a variable! The others stay the same for countless loops but then we see more of them and suddenly we're right there with Siffrin, we didn't know this about them. We couldn't know this about them until now! But then it grows stale, because now we know. We know, because we are learning with Siffrin. Then we have to focus outwards instead of inwards, because we love them all so much! We care about them! ...and then it doesnt work and suddenly we have to figure out why we're stuck. And it hurts because it starts getting obvious WHY its happening and,, we dont want the characters to leave just like that! There isnt any release of emotions! We didn't help Siffrin like we wanted to! We can't help Siffrin! Only the party can, and from the previous loops we know they'll leave us.

We're stuck forever, and thats horrible. Because Siffrin is losing things he can not lose without it becoming SASASA, and we know that. So when Siffrin starts to lose it, it hurts but at the same time its amazing! Something new! Something changed! Maybe this time, we can help Siffrin! Even if Siffrin is wrong, maybe this time. Except the house is changed, the ending is changed, the party has changed, and Siffrin has changed. And suddenly the thought of explaining hurts, because its the end. The real end!! And we have to be the ones to press the dialogue! We have to be the ones to press attack! We have to help guide Siffrin to their ending! And we do! and its amazing! The party is going to stay with Siffrin, even for a while longer! ... We wont get to see it, but thats okay because we're just here to help Siffrin.

And then we go to the favor tree to let Loop know.

And suddenly it becomes clear we failed someone.

But without them, how could we have saved this Siffrin? How could we have led them to where they needed to go? How could we have broken the loops without them?

We failed the Star, but we saved the time traveler who can help the Star in our stead.

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT HOW THE GAME PROGRESSES AND HOW WE THE PLAYERS ARE PART OF THE ROYAL WE UNTIL WE NO LONGER CAN BE WITH SIFFRIN OR THE PARTY AAAAAAHHHHH.

Anyway thanks for sending this ask it made me go crazy with how I see the player in relations to Siffrin and Loop <3

[sixpossumsinatrenchcoat]

Natural Satellite [ch 13]

An In Stars and Time AU. In ch 13, Loop deflects. Siffrin spirals. Isabeau tries to keep up. You can start from chapter one here.

Isabeau nearly jumps out of his skin. “W-Woah!!! Sif!!!” “Yes?” “You’re—wow, you’re like, really quiet!!” “Yes.” Sif flops down in the grass, patting around vaguely till they find a thick-ish branch. They snap it in half with a startling crack, eye it thoughtfully, and then halve it again before unsheathing their dagger. ...Huh. They’re whittling again, even though they know their work won’t outlast the loop. Which means they want to talk about something. “What’s up, Sif?” “The canopy.” “Annnd…?” Sif’s blade digs into the wood, scraping off a long, curling shaving. “And I thought we should talk about Wish Craft.”

[isat spoilers / 2 hats spoilers / spoilers thru act 6]

Isabeau has, like, at least a million questions.

If Loop—(Sif???) (No, they chose the name Loop; that has to matter)—is really some alternate version of Siffrin, then… what? What? What??? What would that even mean??? And why would they keep it a secret from Sif? What’s the point in keeping secrets from yourself?

Of course Isa isn’t going to rat them out. It’s not his place. And he’s definitely not gonna confront them about their past. What kind of a crab could look at someone who Changed that much and try to talk to the person they used to be? Loop is Loop now. Isabeau is totally cool with that.

…He’s just a little confused about why there are two of them.

Isabeau knows how it feels to Change. But it’s not like he walked out of the House holding hands with the kid he used to be. One person can’t become two people. That’s not how it works. (That’s not how anything works.)

He needs to talk to Loop. Luckily, he’s in the right place. There should be at least a few minutes before Siffrin catches up. Longer, if Sif stops to talk to Mira. It’s not ideal, but it should be enough to get at least a few answers.

“Loop!” he gasps, when he spots them.

“What do you want,” Loop asks sourly.

“N-Nothing!! I’m just a little confused, is all!”

“Okay.”

“And… I guess I was hoping you could help with that?”

Loop gives him a close-eyed smile. “Optimistic!”

“I’m just, um. I… guess I’m having a hard time getting my head around it?”

Loop’s eyes snap open. “Why? Because I don’t hang on your every word? Because I’m not some cute little puppy, like your Siffrin?”

“What? No! Because why are there two of you???”

He watches Loop draw themself up to snap at him and then just—settle back into their seat. “Oh.”

Yeah, oh. “So. You know. Why are there two of you?”

“Does it matter?”

“And how do you look so different? Body Craft is, I mean, it’s pretty advanced, but I don’t think it’s possible to—I mean—I’m pretty sure you’re made of light?”

Loop examines their hands, the white shining from under their nails. “It certainly seems that way, doesn’t it?”

“And—” This one is embarrassing, but he can’t help it. “W-Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“…Why would I?”

Yeah, Isabeau probably could’ve seen that coming. “Are you seriously not going to answer any of my questions?”

“I’d have thought that would be obvious.” Loop narrows their eyes at him. “Don’t you have any manners? This is Vaugarde. It’s rude to ask someone about who they used to be.”

Wow, they are really not making this easy! “I’m not— I don’t care that you Changed. Or, I mean, it’s great! If you’re happy, I’m happy! I just… I mean… It kinda seems like you aren’t, though?”

Loop’s face hardens. “I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

“Well, who do you wanna talk to?”

“No one! Ever!!! Till the end of time!!!!”

Isabeau groans. “Look, I didn’t wanna play this card, but you just really don’t seem like you’re doing very well…”

“What impressive powers of perception! Your parents must be proud.”

“…and I guess it seems like you’re cool with that, but I’m not, so I think you probably have to talk to someone, so… i-if you really won’t talk to me, then—” He grimaces, bracing for the worst. “I… think I might have to tell Sif.”

To his surprise, Loop just rolls their eyes. “Knock yourself out. I’m sure he’ll be soooo~ surprised.”

“Wh— Huh???”

“Why are you acting like that?” Loop asks grumpily. “You just said it just last loop. That they guessed who I was, and he thought I was probably him.”

“B-But that’s just a theory!”

“Oh, grow up. How long did it take you to clock me? Three loops? Maybe four? He’s been here for hundreds.”

(“Hund—????”)

“They have all the pieces. He’s just deluding himself because he doesn’t like the implication.”

He almost doesn’t want to ask, but… “What implication?”

Loop smiles nastily. “That—”

“Oh, good,” Siffrin says, from immediately behind him. “You’re already here.”

Isabeau nearly jumps out of his skin. “W-Woah!!! Sif!!!”

“Yes?”

“You’re—wow, you’re like, really quiet!!”

“Yes.” Sif flops down in the grass, patting around vaguely till they find a thick-ish branch. They snap it in half with a startling crack, eye it thoughtfully, and then halve it again before unsheathing their dagger.

Huh. They’re whittling again, even though they know their work won’t outlast the loop. Which means they want to talk about something. “What’s up, Sif?”

“The canopy.”

“Annnd…?”

Sif’s blade digs into the wood, scraping off a long, curling shaving. “And I thought we should talk about Wish Craft.”

“It sounds like you should talk about Wish Craft,” Loop sniffs. “You are the only one who knows the rituals.”

Isabeau gives them a look, but doesn’t argue.

“I don’t think that’s right, though,” Sif mutters. “My wish wasn’t even related. And, I mean… do I know the rituals?”

“You knew the right numbers,” Isa points out. “And the chanting and stuff.”

“Right, but it can’t be that simple. If repeating was all it took, then I’d still have that toilet paper.”

Isabeau stares.

Unexpectedly, Loop stares, too. “Come again?”

“The toilet paper,” Sif says again. “Didn’t you see? In the bathroom on the third floor.”

“I don’t watch you pee, stardust. Gross.”

“Wait,” Isabeau interjects, “I’m sorry, I just… You can do Wish Craft by peeing?”

“Piss Craft,” Sif says, apparently on reflex, and then glares. “I mean, no. Obviously not. Will you just listen?”

Isabeau shuts his mouth obligingly. He’s listening.

* * *

You don’t like that Isabeau is talking to Loop now. You can feel that something’s shifted between them, and you don’t like that, either. But at least Isa still mostly does what you tell him.

“I’m saying I didn’t do Wish Craft,” you explain. “I did the wanting, and the repeating, and it didn’t do anything. I didn’t get what I…”

. . . Wait.

What did you repeat, exactly? It definitely wasn’t “toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper.” What were your exact words? You asked it to come with you. No. To loop back with you. And you said—

You said you didn’t want to be alone.

(“S-Sif?” Isa says nervously. “You’re, um. You should probably be careful?”

You follow his gaze toward your hands. You’ve reduced the whole branch to sawdust. You flip your knife shut and brush off your knees in disgust.)

You said you didn’t want to be alone. And you’re not alone anymore, are you? Someone’s looping back with you, but it’s not the blinding toilet paper.

“Oh, Stars,” you mumble. “I did it.”

Loop wheezes. “What, really? Piss Craft?”

“No!! Shut up!! Will you both just shut up and listen? I’m saying that I—” Stars, but it hurts to admit. “It’s— Isa, he’s… It was my fault. I’m the reason he remembers.”

Isabeau’s eyes widen. “Wait, but… are you saying, um. D-Does that mean you wished for me?”

Right. Of course he’d ask that. You squeeze your eyes shut, cringing. “Not… exactly?”

“Toilet paper??????”

“I just wanted something I could hold!!” you say defensively. “I was losing my mind!! I was tired and alone and tired of being alone and I couldn’t make anyone touch me and I was just—so blinding tired of dying that I… yes. Yes. Toilet paper.”

For some reason, Isabeau looks even more confused. “W-Wait, what?”

“I said I wanted something I could hold.”

Loop stops laughing for just long enough to choke out, “Wrong sentence, stardust.”

You frown at them, running over your lines in your mind. It all seems pretty self-explanatory. “What?”

“You—” Isabeau’s face is quickly changing color. “You, um. You… wanted us to touch you?”

Oh. Oh, no.

You can read the rest of ch 13 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53412649/chapters/139473697 Or start from the beginning here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53412649/chapters/135189547

[aimlesspixel]

Isat Scintillation SS

Loop

Spoilers ahead for 2hats you were warned.

Might not be the most polished as I did this on my phone but yea

It's so blindingly frustrating

I can't even muster the ability to take my own place

In the end my little stardust~ will have to take care of them for me

.

.

.

.

.

I don't know how long it was but eventually I could hear someone

"Hey! Hey! Hey! A Star! A Fallen Star!!!!"

Just another reminder huh.

They're just bouncing there in front of the favor tree.

Oh wait they can see me better acknowledge them or something.

"This star has ears you know~"

Do you? You can hear at least.

"*gasp* a talking star!" They say in an excited and hushed tone.

"The one~ and only~"

"Whoa!"

"What brings you to this fallen star today?"

Looking at them it's definitely just a kid.

"Did you come from the sky."

"Yup, how'd you know?" That just flew out huh must've been a loop thing.

"Oh! Then I'll give you this! So you can take it back." The kid is offering a familiar four leaf clover.

Oh this is that kid from town. Guess stardust didn't do everything while they were having their little tantrum.

I guess there's no harm in accepting it.

Carefully don't want to hurt them.

Oh and now they're bouncing all over.

"Thank you kind one~"

"Can I ask you some questions please star!"

Why not it's not like you're going anywhere.

"I'll let you ask three~"

"What just three?"

"I can make it two if you'd like~"

"Ok ok three sorry."

"Three then."

The kid crouches down, thinking presumably.

"What are you doing under the favor tree?"

What about~

"I had to help my precious stardust~" Steal everyone I care about away from me

"Who's this star-"

"Say can you tell me why so many wishes were granted?"

"Oh! That's easy, the king was defeated. Everyone I knew wished for him to get his butt kicked!"

"That would do it then~"

They look proud now jeez they're easy to read.

"Did you know that one person's wish made the rest of them come true?"

"What!?!? Who's?!?! What did they wish for?!?!"

"You don't have enough questions left for all of those you know~"

"Ah crab! Don't answer those. Lemme think. Agghh!"

The kid crouches again.

Footfalls sound in the wood as an older lady approaches the kid.

"So this is where you were. Finished asking for your favor?"

"No! I'll be back in a minute!"

"Okay, okay jeez. Don't let me interrupt. Just don't take too long alright?"

"Alright Lucy!"

"Oh, why didn't Lucy see you?"

"I'm surprised you noticed."

"Lucy knows how much I like the sky, also you glow."

That is true.

"She couldn't see me because I didn't want her to. Although, you seem to have no problem there."

"Hehe" Little punks smiling at that.

"What're the stars like? If you don't mind me asking. Maybe that's a bad thing to ask a star..."

"It is different question please."

Thank stars you do not have any idea where to start with that.

"Do you like being a star?"

.

.

.

Of course not. If I had been stronger then... If I hadn't made that blinding wish... I would be stuck in the loops still... Blinding fool. Still. Maybe It could've been enough. One of those times. Maybe. No. Siffrin ended the loops. Not me.

.

.

.

"Are you thinking?"

Oh yeah the kid.

"Of course~ I wouldn't be one if I wasn't would I?"

The universes favorite cosmic joke.

The kid satisfied goes off to that lady in the distance.

Alone again. Thank the lucky stars.

.

The universe is keeping this actor on the stage I suppose. Ugh what part is there even for me to play???

Not like there's any point fighting it. The universe leads, you can only follow.

[rose022]

2, 12, 16, 23 for the fandom ask game please ❤️

(a headcanon you weren't sure about at first but have come to like!)

hmmm i think transfem tsukasa? was never too big on it but i do see it kinda and people make a lot of good art so

(compliment someone else in your fandom)

all my mutuals are amazing firstly. like everyone makes such cool stuff i am once again asking people to go look through my heart! tag because theres so much awesomeness. besides that thooo i think a lot of the artists i see here are soooo impressive i have notifs on for a lot of people. i mean i can make a list. oh also the people ive commissioned uhh aoyagids i think on twitter vieapuff on here and insta hmmmm theres so many tho i can get plenttyyy of names of artists and writers and whatnot

(a tiny detail in canon that you want more people to appreciate)

hmm this didnt say what fandom so uh. i like the way niigo characters all loose the light in their eyes at some point cus they were all united by wanting to disappear. i like how fischl is like one of the only ones besides the archons to like note that mc isnt of this world. i like how yashiro is selfish and flawed but still just cares for her friends so much despite everything thats happened. i like how nikki is still going after, what like a thousand years she doesnt give up. i like how you can tell rebecca truly loved sasha like how she reminds her about biting her nails and tries to be there for her when her parents make her upset. ill stop here.

(the fandom you're curious about because of a mutual)

i think isat and like r1999 and i watched i thibk the nilfruits stuff but idk whats going on so. mmm what else i need more. oh right that dog trick detective thing???? idk. people can always recommend me stuff i have a list i promise ill get to it or just rant abt stuff u like

[freakinflipflop]

I can absolutely give a simple outline avoiding spoilers for both PD and ISAT :D (some minor spoilers for ISAT regarding information found in act 4 thats kinda unavoidable but that's it!)

So! Vyncent as Siffrin. Knife, from another world that he can never return to, traditions and habits that are foreign to the land that he now calls home. He also kinda shares Siffrin's attitude of "I care about my friends so much I would never do anything to hurt them so I can figure this out and get through it on my own if I have to" (him being like yeah I'm going home now, see you all later if I have to with the portal where Dakota and William have to go after him) Scissors craft for knife :)

William as Mirabelle! With some things shifted. For one he gets to have the isabeau style giggly crush on Vyncent that he never says anything about bc. Ghostknife. And also he has a much more nihilistic outlook on the house than Mirabelle. He saw himself as an outsider even when he lived in the house, and by being the only survivor he feels more like a dead man walking than a chosen savior. He goes back to save the house partially bc what else is he gonna do and partially bc meeting Dakota!! Combination paper/scissors craft I think? Not sure what we decided on for him

Dakota as Isabeau- first person William ran into after leaving the House, Dakota is determined to set things right and save people. He is kinda the main driving force of the party, to the point where he gets kinda intense, but he tends to be optimistic about their outlook. He also gets the Mirabelle aroace trait (because yay)! Rock type!

Tide as Odile- after everything that went down with the Elementals and losing Shockwave, he left home to re-evaluate himself and figure out what it means to have family. He doesn't want to get too attached at first in case he loses these kids like he lost his brother, but he finds himself admiring their resilience and finding it in himself to care for them. (And starts writing a familytale for all of them!! In private (until act 3 stuff)). Combined rock/paper type; rock for physical attacks superhero style, paper for having learned how to do craft stuff with water and use crafted water to attack

Ashe as Bonnie! Their mom was from Siffrin's homeland, so Ashe studied both the forgotten Language and wish/time craft from a young age, and never fully forgot them. Smth happens to their mom when they're young so they grow up with their dad, and study Craft as their main pastime. After the King shows up, Ashe accidentally channels wish and/or time craft and freezes their dad in time; the massive amount of power usage stunts their own craft abilities and their physical capabilities. They meet the party last, but travel along with them bc 1 they're all alone with their dad frozen, 2 they have more knowledge on the King than a lot of other people, and 3 they're cool and fun to hang out with!!

Yeah that's the very basic rundown but there is. So much at this point. Been talking with @ohmigoshiloveu , @fishcop and @sproutastronaut about it and we keep coming up with more ideas it's very fun. OMG also wrote a fic! Of the AU! That's extremely good at both capturing the vibe of the writing in ISAT while also integrating the PD cast seamlessly

https://archiveofourown.org/works/54849613

I love both of these pieces of media so much they live in my brain forever and always

HI HI HI!!!! I see you reblogged Odile art :D (<- is sooooo not normal about ISAT) would you like to know about an in stars and time prime defenders au I've been working on with some friends

Hell yeah!!!! I love me some combined brainrots!!

[biaswreckingfics]

My last hot takes:

- this I believe is a similar opinion to what an anon said but I believe the Kpop industry is over saturated. There are sooooo many groups, and while I do believe some of these groups are good, and serve up something different than the standard Kpop sound, there are just so many kind of doing the same thing but not as good. A few sub points off of this:

A lot of groups that have debuted over the past couple of years need more training and their company pushed them to debut too soon. Many companies focus too much on the business side and not the music.

Idols are debuting too young. Just because we’ve had young idols (like taemin) doesn’t justify debuting someone that young. Especially with them being marketed to women older than them. Like that’s a legit child. The mental health will suffer on top of other things.

Not only is there an over saturation and a lot of too young idols, idols are being debuted without receiving enough training and it shows. Like yeah sometimes an idol has that spark and doesn’t need long to debut, but that is so rare tbh.

Fans of these lesser known groups are kind of toxic. Like all these idols work so hard no matter what group or company they are at but at the end of the day some are truly not good enough to make it. And theses fans of them will literally hype of everything. But the few times I’ve checked out a lesser known group 99.9% of the time they absolutely sucked. And while that may seem harsh. It’s the truth.

- Everyone talks about the “sexual ISAT Jon”(okay I’m leaving that auto correct right there in “” cause wtf was my phone tryna do? Did I really misspell sexualization that bad??) of female idols (and I 100% that they can be and are sexualized though someone of them want to be sexy and they have the right to be. I hate the forced cuteness put on them). But so many overlook the sexualization of male idols. (This isn’t coming from a sole BG stan, I also listen to a lot of GG). And I’m not necessarily talking about the fanfic and smut. Like you can write that without over sexualizing an idol. But some writers, general BG blogs, and “fans” take it so super far. I’ve come across some gross stuff. ALSO the sexualization of these young idols. These 14-18 year olds being done up in a sexy way to please noona fans. Like they are children.

Another also. I find idols to truly be sexy and look good at 24-32 years old and think more idols should debut around the age of 24. I mean to bring some specific ages of men I like, the ages 24, 27, and 29/30 being looking real good.

I love that you're letting it all out tn lol

There are so many new groups I've lost care to track them all. Every time I turn around there's three new groups debuting, and then a few months later they're disbanding bc they're not catching people's attention. Everyone's going for that badass and edgy concept/sound and it's just like the same groups debuting over and over again.

Also, idols are debuting way to young now!! Taemin was already too young when he debuted and now they're like "he's only three years younger than Taemin"... excuse??? Get that child into school or something, my god.

Do you know how long it took me to figure out you were saying oversexualization? And then when I did, how loud I laughed at the typo? Lmao

A lot of boy groups are oversexualized (especially younger ones which?? Ewe). If they're okay with the concept, more power to them 100%, but if they're not, then I can only imagine having to talk yourself into doing something you're uncomfortable with.

I agree that older idols are attractive 🤤🤤. When they come back from enlistment?? Like hello sir?? 2pm?? Calm down, my god. Exo when they come back?? Nothing will mentally prepare me.

[babae-sa-tabi-ng-balete-tree]

2021_02_15

Okay....

my hear is full.  BF and i were exchanging a joke to write our story to a local radio program... and he actually did a draft! i don’t know if he will actually send this, but, just to keep a memory of this super kilig story-telling, here it is:

Matagal ko na kilala si Chai.  May 20 taon na.  Sa UP kami una nagkakilala.  kaklase ko sya noon.  2 sem kami naging mag kaklase. sabay din kami natapos.

after ng graduation kasama ko din sya nag hanap ng work.  ayon sa kanya di daw sya marunong sumakay ng MRT noon.  kaya tinuruan ko sya.

nung nag tatarabaho na kami, gusto ko na sana manligaw sa kanya noon, kaso bigla na lang nawala ang contact ko sa kanya. (This due to some unfortunate circumstance that I do not care nor want to elaborate because it might trigger some unwanted memories, suffice to say nag karoon ng ghosting) Ang sumunod na balita ko sa kanya, nakapag asawa na sya.  at that point hahayaan ko na sana sa ganoon.  may sarili na sya na buhay, and I'd have to move on.

matapos ang ilang taon naka tanggap ako ng email sa kanya na kinakamusta ako. kaya nag karoon kami ulit ng communication.  She is a friend so the email communication is very much welcome.  so kamustahan lang. Noon ko na balitaan na nag hiwalay na pla sila ng kanyang asawa.  At that time meron ako GF kaya ang iniisip ko, wala na hanggang mag kaibigan na lang kami.  bale ganoon lang ang communication namin, text at email lang  minsanan sa isa o dalawang taon.

Nung naghiwalay kami nung una ko GF, si Chai ay kasalukuyang nasa relationship din. So iniisip ko na talagang hindi kami para sa isat isa. nagkaroon din po ako ng sununod na relationship at eventually, nagkaroon po ako ng anak. we still communicate via email, messenger or text usually mga once a year.

Fast forward to 2019, nag ibang bansa ang nanay ng anak ko, tapos biglang bigla, ginustong makipag hiwalay.  Nasa ibang bansa sya, kaya sa loob ko po kung ipagpipilitan ko pa na kami ay parang wala rin kahihinatnan.  kase nadoon sya, di ko rin naman alam kung ano ano ginagawa nya doon.  before she went there, medyo madalas na rin ang hindi namin pagkakaintindihan, so when she said that she wanted us to be free, I said ok.

2019 was a challenging year for me, first half palagi kame nag kakaroon ng alitan nung GF ko and eventually we broke up. Pag dating ng December 2019, namatay ang tatay ko.  prior to that, nalaman ko na na wala na BF si Chai,   noon ako naka kita ng pagkakataon para maka pang ligaw.  makatapos ang 40 days ng tatay ko saka palang po ako nanligaw, na sabayan pa ng quaratine.

prior to the quarantine, I told Chai about my intentions naman. sabi ko nga sya ang aking "the one that got away" (I know that the term is used kung naging kayo kaso hindi kayo nag katuluyan pero I felt like using it kasi feeling ko she is the one talaga)  Chai was actually discouraging me, at the start kasi sa isip nya, considering what she has been through, she was not and will not consider another relationship. She was telling me to go look for somebody else.  

Ang sabi ko naman, "I have been wating for this opportunity for 20 years, I am not going to miss this one."  am too old to play games.  I also told her, "Kung hindi maging tayo, at nakapag antay na ako ng 20 years, I can wait 20 years more."  Long story short nangyari ang ligawan during the quaratine period. I'd call her and video call her almost every day. (Minsan I don't, just testing kung na miss nya ako. hehehehe)     Anyway,  masayang masaya naman ako kasi sa pag pasok ng bagong taon, naging kami ni Chai.

So yan ang summary nang ng buhay namin ni Chai. Sa ngayon po, habang nagsisimula kami ng buhay mag nobyo, sa mga paguusap namin ni Chai, napansin namins na iba ang dating ng relationship namin when compared sa mga na una,  Walang pressure, walang pilitan, magaan ang dating. And the way I see it since we have known each other for so long, mas madali ang communication.  And I am very happy that she gets along so well with my daughter.

Sa isip ko kaya ngayon lang naging kame ni Chai ay dahil sa divine providence na rin.  Siguro nung una kami nagkita ni Chai, ang message ni Lord sa akin, si Chai ang para sa akin, at ako ang para sa  kanya, kaya lang, kailangan namin mag mature and matuto sa buhay bago maging kami.  In short we had to be ready para sa  isa't isa.

I would have to admit na there is still a lot for us, especially for me, to learn about each other. Kaya nga paulit ulit ko sinasabi kay Chai that I would like to learn her ways. I guess it's best summed up dun sa note na pinadala ko sa kanya last feb 12.

"I want to love you the right way the way you ought to be loved not just the way I know how" At dyan muna magtatapos ang chapter 1 and 2.  we are currently living a new chapter in our lives. sabi nga ni Chai, "One month down, forever to go"

Chai, "Let's do this!"

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life story Part 26

By the end of the year, my geology/math teacher, Mrs. Kerrick, in all earnest trying to get me to come to class since she knew full and well like everyone did, minus my dear old dad that I was skipping half my classes tried calling our home phone one day when I didn't show up. On this particular day, I had decided upon waking that today was simply too much, and I decided to stay home and surf the web. There was a call, and I could hear this insistence between the rings that let me know that someone was calling on behalf of me, about an hour after class. She left a message saying “Renee, I know you are there. I know you are not sick. You need to come to school. Renee...” I was sitting at the computer just looking at the answering machine saying my name in my teachers voice quite awkwardly. It made me pretty nervous. What if she came to the house?

I understand completely why she called. It was perhaps a little intrusive, but more than understandable, given that I had literally been absent half the time for almost a year. I think more than anything. what she was trying to do was be a good teacher who held me accountable. So I don't blame her for this. And I don't blame myself for skipping like I did either. This was the way things had to be. There was never any other way for them to go. It was an opportunity that was there and open for me with little or no oversight from a single adult, and furthermore, with everything in my life put into consideration, I was not emotionally equipped to go to school in a way that I couldn't really articulate to an adult without being shamed. If I had tried to explain my aversion to being there seven and a half hours a day,  I would have been told that my feelings were wrong. Being a teenager puts you in an unfair double bias. If you are overpunished, it's either because you are one of the 'bad ones', or you need to be given a stricter sentence because that is the only way you will get to be a 'functioning adult'. And if you have anything to say about it, you are automatically angsty and hormonal and nothing you say has any merrit because you are still a child. There would be no winning had I tried to reach out to anyone.

Plus, I just have this side of me that gets a thrill from doing little things I am not supposed to. This is not a teenager thing. This is a 'me' thing. I have found ways to muffle about 90% of that side of me since I have to pay bills and make ends meet and try to get enough money to be open to new opportunities and such. But oh, if I had no worries. I love bending the rules.

Anyway, knowing that this might be the beginning in a grander attempt of Mrs. Kerrick's to get me to school on time everyday and might eventually lead to other teachers getting involved to rally against my tardy self, I knew I had to smother this fire out quick. So, I called my dad immediately, and told him I had been puking, and of course, for all his skepticism about me and how awful I was, he always believed me so wholeheartedly when I said I was sick, no matter how obvious and preposterous my condition was. It almost hurt too much lying that hard. And as a parent, it almost made him kind of terrible, because if I really had been sick as often as I claimed, he should have taken me to the doctors. Absolutely nobody is sick as often as I said I was and lives to see eighteen. I also let him know that my 'scary teacher' Mrs. Kerrick was harassing me on the phone and it was making me feel worried (I felt bad about this, but a girl's gotta do ya know?). And like a good father, he called the school and talked to the principal, who told Mrs. Kerrick she had to stop pestering me – much to the dismay of all the teachers who knew what I was doing, I am sure. So I won that one. My dad felt proud that he defended his poor sick daughter. I was in the wrong of course and I knew this, but I still won and sometimes that is what matters. I remember going to school that Monday and seeing a look on her face – not that she was angry at me, but just a sort of knowing resignation.

The principal took me into his office the end of that year, for a serious talk. He said I was one of the top ten students with the worst grades in the whole school and he let me know about it. His mustache twitched as he scolded me aggressively. He didn't like my attitude either, and he had seen it time and time again, so I was told. Kids like me grew up to be either deadbeats or died young – he'd seen it all. What he told me that he couldn't figure out, was why was it that I scored like a 12th grader on my ISAT tests, but had 28% on my school math? It irked him and he seemed sure I was on drugs, which he grilled me on. I couldn't of course explain to him that I was at a loss as to why I got such test scores either. My uncanny skill at multiple choice online tests reminds me of what I had read of chicken sexers who grab baby chicks quickly on a conveyor belt, and just seem to know what they gender of the chicklet is without consciously knowing what they are seeing. I hate using that example since I hate the meat industry, but that really is comparable to my test taking abilities in the format they presented me with. I just had that particular game figured out. He thought I was a deliberate fuck up of the worst kind. He then told me that if he could legally kick me out of the school he would have. Real students were dishonored to have to see a face like mine in the hallway with them, when they work so hard for their good grades. He felt that I was a waste of everyone's time and I was better off if I wasn't there anymore making him and my peers look bad before the state. I should feel sick with shame he thought. I calmly took it, and then asked if I was being held back. He said I was not because the school could not afford it. That's all I needed to hear and I was good.

I hated this girl named Amanda in my class. Partially because she had always hit on Kyle, but for other reasons that I no longer remember or agree with, like she had sex a lot or something dumb that an 8th grade girl would judge another 8th grade girl over. She was sort of phony I guess. I don't know really though. She might have been rude to me at some point in time. Anyway, she asked me to sign her yearbook. I didn't get a year book ever because my dad didn't think it was money worth spending, and he also didn't approve of me being invested in social activities in school. In my dad's mine, I would get good grades if I didn't have friends. He was deeply troubled by my friendships. He didn't fight me on this, or prevent me from seeing my friends, but in his mind the problem with people is that they cared too much for one another. I assume this notion was in due to his own repeated failings in friendship, family and romance which the later often caused him to waste large amounts of his money, perhaps mixed with a true confusion on the mystery of why teenage girls are the way they are, mixed with conservative talk radio and the whole Randian concept of 'self reliance'.

Amanda asked me to write something in her yearbook. I took this as an opportunity to let her know what I thought. I wrote in her year book that I hated her and that I hoped that she choked to death on dick. She was in shock, but she was laughing and everyone was. I don't even know if I meant it or not. I was nice to her about what I had written. I just gave it back to her and smiled. I ended up writing strange things in everyone's yearbook kind of like that because they all wanted to know what I would say.

I decided from this to make my own yearbook to satire the real one. I drew quick pictures of everyone in the class. I drew a mishmash of arms and legs, that was supposed to represent the poorly made collages of girls basketball and boy's football that took up pointless pages to convey somehow. And then I had people sign my yearbook in the end. I guess I probably lost that homemade yearbook though. a t some point. I might have given it to Sarah, who lost it – or maybe she does still have it locked away somewhere. In any case, that is the only year book that I ever owned and I was pretty proud of it.

In the keeping of the spirit of feeling free, I was watching a lot of television, which I was told growing up would ruin me and rot my brain. I could do nothing right by anyone's standards I guess. As someone in their twenties now, I can do many of the things that I did as a teenager, no problem. But back then I was chastised by people who were way worse than me. My real crime was being young. To be fair, I am really grateful that I didn't watch television growing up. I think it made me a better person ultimately. And I do imagine that a lot of television isn't good for you. But because I had been so sheltered from technology all my life – chopping wood for fires, having only a radio that I had to use tin foil to get channels, we didn't even get a DVD player till 2006, I actually got a lot out of watching music videos and other shows, even through all the phoniness and empty shallow stuff. I had never been really exposed to all that style and body language that I would see on the screen. It elevated my existence and spoke to that part of me that is always looking for an existence that is condensed and heightened. And given my circumstances, I will argue that having television for that time in my life was more good than bad. I watched all the music videos religiously, and I studied the musicians and message conveyed in each music video. This was a formal education in aesthetics. And at the time, I was starting to really get into pop punk (eh, I know). But even that lame attachment I had to that music that I no longer listen to, grew and changed into means of expression that are worthy of having. Pop punk for me at the time, made me feel like individuality and self expression was really a good thing. It gave me an alternative to the preppy princess look, and all the normal pop music. And at that point in my life, I could relate to the lyrics much better. I could get into elements of a pop song when I was young – but I could never relate to a Christina Aguilera song. I didn't party or date or anything like that. But I could relate to a whiny Simple Plan song about being uncool, unaccepted, and feeling on edge.

My new favoritest of favorite albums – probably my true first favorite album in my collection up to that point since I didn't like my Avril Lavigne album, was the debut All American Rejects album – something I would never in a million years find appealing now – can't stand the vocals mostly, but at the time, the opening song My Paper Heart, accompanied by the Swing Swing song was really something I could not get enough of. As soon as the album was over, I would put it on again. And again. I would listen to it before school and get this strong boost of weird music induced confidence. Which made me feel a whole lot better. Music really saved my life at this time (even though it was terrible music most of it).

I didn't watch that many movies, but I do remember that I really idolized Jennifer Connelly in a movie called Career Opportunities – I believe it was called. I don't even remember much about the movie, only that I thought her character was just stunning – as she is always quite pretty in all her movies. The most notable scene in that movie was where she was riding the quarter taking pony for kids in a very seductive manner, and it might actually be the only real worthwhile part of that movie looking back. I wanted to be just like her. Of course, I never was, and never have been, and never shall be. Some dreams are not meant to come true. Another noteworthy movie - I also watched Girl, Interrupted and really had a lot of feelings for that movie as well.

And I remember one April day, I believe it was Kurt Cobain's death day April 5th, and I was watching one of the music channels, and they were playing Unplugged in New York. I had never really liked Nirvana at that point. My older sister Roxanne used to listen to Nevermind pretty often, but I had always thought he sounded very unhappy, and it kind of bummed me out when I was eight. I didn't understand why anyone would want to yell like that. I was much more interested in The Barbie Girl song in those times. But watching Kurt Cobain sing some of those songs in that memorable live setting, it was the first time I really was seeing something that seemed completely real to me on TV. He seemed more human than other people. I thoroughly enjoyed it and was even brought to tears.  Not to mention. I was also astounded at just how gorgeous Kurt Cobain was. After watching that performance, I had this sense of calm in me, like that feeling one gets when they have a meaningful conversation with a close friend after a long separation.

My dad and Jodi finally broke it off. It was a series of events that eventually devolved into a fight and then a lame attempt to fix it. I guess, Jodi decided to move back to her old place, which wasn't getting bought by anyone I guess after all. Jessie hadn't liked the school in Kendrick, and my father and Jodi were fighting all the time. In a sweep of paranoia, my father ended up recording Jodi's phone conversations over the course of a few months. At first, the conversations were positive to people she knew, and then he started hearing her talk to drug dealers and other men. I was staying the night at her house, when my father silently woke me up and said we were leaving. He was shaky and upset. He took a bunch of gifts that he had bought for her, and said they were mine. He told me that Jodi was cheating on him and on meth. Then the next day, he angrily took the things that I didn't even want from me like I had stolen them from Jodi and gave them back to her. The whole thing was a mess. I guess she was getting high on hard drugs. The wedding was off. My dad kept going to her house for a few months off and on due to relationship inertia I suppose, but eventually their two year hell ride was at a close. This made him really crazy, and I took the punishment for his frustration, fears, self loathing and mistrust. But I will tell all about that later.

Symbolically, and because I no longer had any attachment to school, I just skipped the last day of eighth grade. It would have been a piece of cake to just show up, but I didn't. I sat home and played on the computer. My friends came together and found me after school I my house. Ava always came into people's houses by screaming or acting psychotically. It was alarming. She often was clumsy and would knock something over. Which was either entertaining and endearing or really uncalled for and crazy. It was this mixture that made her what she was and made her fun to be around.

Anyway, I did not expect them to come find me so early, but I guess the last day of school ended earlier than I had originally thought. So when Ava crashed through the door unexpectedly, I flew backwards and due to the force of my shock induced backwards momentum, I actually did three somersaults in a row before my body finally stopped. I remember feeling like I was being tossed by a machine. I just flew. I had no control over this entire situation, but it ended up doing me an unexpectedly great favor. My neck had been paining me for a few years. I had troubles bending it at all some days. I could look to my right at all more often than not. When I flew backwards and did those somersaults, it corrected my neck issue and some of my back pain somehow. It could so easily have done more damage, but it didn't. It was wonderful fortune for me. I remember getting up off the ground and my neck didn't hurt anymore. It could have been a religious moment. It was amazing. I was beginning to feel good again.

Sadly, things weren't working out with Pepsi and she was taken away from me. She bit through ropes to go free so often that it was hard for me to really know what to do with her. She still wasn't really potty trained. I had tried to put a leash on her, but since trying to take her for a walk never seemed to work and she always escaped, I had to pretty much control her by constraining her in a way that wasn't fair to her autonomy, and I since I was really bad at this dog thing, I thought I had to punish her every time she pulled the leash. Needless to say – this was horrible for me to do. I wasn't as patient as I should have been. Which made her hate and fear me. I was doing a terrible job.

One day, I was trying to put the leash on her, and she fought back very rough. It was borderline going to end in her attacking me. She didn't bite me, but she growled in a serious fashion, and got away. Had I tried anything else, she was going to nail me. She was done with my bullshit and in a lot of ways I feel like I had tried to control her with force, and I had not taken into account that she was a faultless dog who had no real reason to respect the rules of human beings. Like the people who tried to put restrictions on my thoughts at school and at home, I had unknowingly been trying to do the same thing to poor Pepsi. I felt this shock of realization go through me when she got out of my grasp in the living room, and she gave me this look. It was like mother nature was slapping me in the face. This look said so much. It was probably one of the most intense stare downs I have ever received. In that stare, I could see the misery she had been feeling, the resentment. She didn't trust me and none of this was fair. If I attempted to do something she didn't like, I felt like she was letting me know she would bite me. She was done with me. For the next month, I would try to pet her to get her to be my little puppy again – to try to start again, and she would walk away. She only came to me if I fed her.  She hated my guts. I didn't know what to do. And then whenever I wasn't home, I had to tie her up outside so she didn't chew up the house. This made her stir crazy, and after we put her on a metal chain, she behaved very aggressively. She was mad at having to be my dog. She would bark at everyone who passed.

One day, Katie was walking with another girl in her class whom she spoke to occasionally, and they decided to go in the yard. Pepsi was familiar with Katie, so she didn't growl or bark at her, but she didn't know the other girl, Mia, and so she tried to bite Mia, and ended up ripping Mia's pants as Mia tried to get away. Katie did what she thought was right, and she called the police. It was a bit strange to me that none of this was ever talked about with me to have one of my best friends call the police on my dog without talking to me, but perhaps on this Katie knew best.

So after that, my dad decided we had to get rid of Pepsi. I was heartbroken. It made no sense to me that he would buy me something I was supposed to love and cherish and then take it away from me. It was the painful end to a disappointing year for me.  I understood that the reasons were valid, and I also understood that I had failed miserably as a pet owner.  But it still broke my heart. She was in many ways my baby. And I cried for several weeks straight. My father felt badly. All those nights that year that I had been depressed. I remember I would look down at her calm sleeping dog face, and it was always a comfort to me, perhaps one of the only ones I had. I know I shouldn't have ever put her value in terms of how she made me feel, but it was hard. Despite all the problems, I really did love that dog.

My dad got this guy at work to agree to take her to a ranch he owned, where she would be free to run and be with other dogs. I tried to be happy for her, as I watched three men try to wrestle her down and put her in the back of the pick up. She was confused, angry and scared. She barked and lashed out in vain. They drove off and I never saw her again. For awhile my dad didn't tell me the truth about what happened. She had gotten loose in the back of the truck, and she jumped out on the way to Lewiston. They could not catch her. The only reason my dad told me was that by sheer luck, she had been found – starving but alive several months later towards the end of town. But my dad just assumed she was dead. She was taken in to the same place where we had gotten her from. One day, about a year later after that, my father had been driving down the road when he saw Pepsi being walked by a lady he knew from high school. He pulled over, and called her name, which she looked at him. They had renamed her something that sounded like Pepsi, like Mupsy or something.

I guess she had psychological dog issues, and had to be treated for dog mental illness. She probably picked it up from me. I felt really guilty. But she was in good shape now. She could be walked, and I had never been able to make that happen. I was going to go see her, but by the time my dad finally got around to bringing me to her house – since the lady agreed I could see her – she had been given away to another home. And then, two years later, Katie sees Sarah and I at a table eating and comes up to tell us that she had spotted her. She was owned by a retired truck driver who lived in the woods. And she seemed really happy. At least, Katie seemed to know it was her. I hope that Pepsi had a good life wherever she ended up. If she is still alive today, she would be 17 years old. Which it's possible she would still be alive, but I am guessing probably not.

I only got picked up on the weekend from my mother one time for an eighth month period. Roxanne's money was mostly gone by this point. All the people who had helped her spend that money were gone. She had a desperate look on her face – a need to ride what she had to it's end. She could no longer afford to buy my grandpa Roy's house, so my uncle kicked her out. Everyone moved out and came back to Lewiston. I don't know how that whole thing ended. I had stayed away. On the one weekend where Roxanne and my mother did come to pick us up. Roxanne and my mother were distant in the front seat talking among one another so I could not hear. I found out years later they were planning on getting completely high on meth that weekend – and why they picked us up at all I cannot say. They put us in a cheap hotel that weekend and left. I thought they would be back, but they never showed up. I ended up watching the History Channel for days straight. My mom had left crackers and little debbies and things like that. I stayed up all night, convinced of everything the history channel wants you to be convinced of – that human beings were an alien experiment, absolutely everything that happened in the bible was actually because of a UFO, Jesus was an Alien and so on. I watched hours of History's Mysteries. I was totally freaked. Eventually my dad came and picked us up.

My mom had dumped James by this time. I asked her years later how she did that. They had been together for 5 years and then it had come to an end. She told me that it was at my grandpa's house. He was taking a bath in the Jacuzzi when my mom walked in. Fully clothed, she got into the Jacuzzi with him which alarmed him. She then told him that she wanted to break up with him – that he hadn't gotten a job for the entire time they had been together, didn't practice the music they had planned, and was just free loading and was more like a child than a man and she was sick of him. And that was the end of James.

I've seen him a few times since. Once, about three years ago I was in a supermarket in north Idaho, and I saw him in the aisles. He has not changed a bit. We had never talked before then, so I wasn't about to start then and I switched aisles so as not to be detected. He didn't recognize me anyway though. I look quite a bit different now. And for a while there, I heard he was playing in a band in Spokane with this twelve year old child prodigy and his father. It was mostly like Rush and Dio type music – but then the story goes, he got kicked out of that band for being drunk all the time. They even used some of my mother's lyrics. Sometimes for years, when I heard a motorcycle roll through town, I might look over and see a very very small man with long hair riding on the motorcycle off in the distance. And I know it's James.

It's hard to imagine 90,000 dollars disappearing in less than a year, but that's what happened. So much drugs. My mother ended up overdosing, so I am told. Which scared her, and she cut down the serious partying and became more of a casual barfly. She never did meth again. Roxanne was hooked though. With the last bit of her money, her and Jody rented a trailer in Clarkston and bought a very dumpy looking truck. It was smelly and falling apart. The set up was beyond depressing. If Roxanne didn't have pills or meth she would scream and cry. She never left the house. Her sons were monsters and they would attack you for fun. She got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The entire apartment was covered in garbage. Her and her kids all lived in this, but she mostly hid in the back room with her drugs. Jody was gone all the time. She kind of chased him away every time he did come into the trailer. He might have been the most responsible for spending her money.  It had all come out that he had cheated on Roxanne and had three babies with three other women in the time that he had also had three children with Roxanne. He was just dumb and they could barely tolerate one another.

As for me, I was growing a lot as a person. I was glad that I had gotten over Kyle. And I felt like my brain was rewiring and the world seemed exciting, fresh and new and I believed I was headed for greatness, regardless and against what anyone told me. A lot of my time was actually spent fighting off everyone who wanted to bring me down. I had hit this bottom where it no longer felt that good to feel sorry for myself or be a helpless bystander in my life. As soon as I got over Kyle, I started shedding weight, and my acne permanently cleared up – for the most part. Of course, like many people if you look closely at my skin, you can see marks of acne. After that summer I was going to be going into 9th.

If for any reason you should like to see what i have written thus far..

PART 25 -  http://tinyurl.com/y6v6pgoj

PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r

PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g

PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw  

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

[mysticaltyphoonnightmare-blog]

Ten rules for writing fiction Elmore Leonard: Using adverbs is a mortal sin 1 Never open a book with weather. If it's only to create atmosphere, and not a charac­ter's reaction to the weather, you don't want to go on too long. The reader is apt to leaf ahead look­ing for people. There are exceptions. If you happen to be Barry Lopez, who has more ways than an Eskimo to describe ice and snow in his book Arctic Dreams, you can do all the weather reporting you want. 2 Avoid prologues: they can be ­annoying, especially a prologue ­following an introduction that comes after a foreword. But these are ordinarily found in non-fiction. A prologue in a novel is backstory, and you can drop it in anywhere you want. There is a prologue in John Steinbeck's Sweet Thursday, but it's OK because a character in the book makes the point of what my rules are all about. He says: "I like a lot of talk in a book and I don't like to have nobody tell me what the guy that's talking looks like. I want to figure out what he looks like from the way he talks." 3 Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue. The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But "said" is far less intrusive than "grumbled", "gasped", "cautioned", "lied". I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with "she asseverated" and had to stop reading and go to the dictionary. 4 Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said" ... he admonished gravely. To use an adverb this way (or almost any way) is a mortal sin. The writer is now exposing himself in earnest, using a word that distracts and can interrupt the rhythm of the exchange. I have a character in one of my books tell how she used to write historical romances "full of rape and adverbs". 5 Keep your exclamation points ­under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose. If you have the knack of playing with exclaimers the way Tom Wolfe does, you can throw them in by the handful. 6 Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose". This rule doesn't require an explanation. I have noticed that writers who use "suddenly" tend to exercise less control in the application of exclamation points. 7 Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly. Once you start spelling words in dialogue phonetically and loading the page with apos­trophes, you won't be able to stop. Notice the way Annie Proulx captures the flavour of Wyoming voices in her book of short stories Close Range. 8 Avoid detailed descriptions of characters, which Steinbeck covered. In Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants", what do the "Ameri­can and the girl with him" look like? "She had taken off her hat and put it on the table." That's the only reference to a physical description in the story. 9 Don't go into great detail describing places and things, unless you're ­Margaret Atwood and can paint scenes with language. You don't want descriptions that bring the action, the flow of the story, to a standstill. 10 Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip. Think of what you skip reading a novel: thick paragraphs of prose you can see have too many words in them. My most important rule is one that sums up the 10: if it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing is published next month by Weidenfeld & Nicolson.

Diana Athill 1 Read it aloud to yourself because that's the only way to be sure the rhythms of the sentences are OK (prose rhythms are too complex and subtle to be thought out – they can be got right only by ear). 2 Cut (perhaps that should be CUT): only by having no ­inessential words can every essential word be made to count. 3 You don't always have to go so far as to murder your darlings – those turns of phrase or images of which you felt extra proud when they appeared on the page – but go back and look at them with a very beady eye. Almost always it turns out that they'd be better dead. (Not every little twinge of satisfaction is suspect – it's the ones which amount to a sort of smug glee you must watch out for.) Margaret Atwood 1 Take a pencil to write with on aeroplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can't sharpen it on the plane, because you can't take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils. 2 If both pencils break, you can do a rough sharpening job with a nail file of the metal or glass type. 3 Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do. 4 If you're using a computer, always safeguard new text with a ­memory stick. 5 Do back exercises. Pain is distracting. 6 Hold the reader's attention. (This is likely to work better if you can hold your own.) But you don't know who the reader is, so it's like shooting fish with a slingshot in the dark. What ­fascinates A will bore the pants off B. 7 You most likely need a thesaurus, a rudimentary grammar book, and a grip on reality. This latter means: there's no free lunch. Writing is work. It's also gambling. You don't get a pension plan. Other people can help you a bit, but ­essentially you're on your own. ­Nobody is making you do this: you chose it, so don't whine. 8 You can never read your own book with the innocent anticipation that comes with that first delicious page of a new book, because you wrote the thing. You've been backstage. You've seen how the rabbits were smuggled into the hat. Therefore ask a reading friend or two to look at it before you give it to anyone in the publishing business. This friend should not be someone with whom you have a ­romantic relationship, unless you want to break up. 9 Don't sit down in the middle of the woods. If you're lost in the plot or blocked, retrace your steps to where you went wrong. Then take the other road. And/or change the person. Change the tense. Change the opening page. 10 Prayer might work. Or reading ­something else. Or a constant visual­isation of the holy grail that is the finished, published version of your resplendent book. Roddy Doyle 1 Do not place a photograph of your ­favourite author on your desk, especially if the author is one of the famous ones who committed suicide. 2 Do be kind to yourself. Fill pages as quickly as possible; double space, or write on every second line. Regard every new page as a small triumph ­– 3 Until you get to Page 50. Then calm down, and start worrying about the quality. Do feel anxiety – it's the job. 4 Do give the work a name as quickly as possible. Own it, and see it. Dickens knew Bleak House was going to be called Bleak House before he started writing it. The rest must have been easy. 5 Do restrict your browsing to a few websites a day. Don't go near the online bookies – unless it's research. 6 Do keep a thesaurus, but in the shed at the back of the garden or behind the fridge, somewhere that demands travel or effort. Chances are the words that come into your head will do fine, eg "horse", "ran", "said". 7 Do, occasionally, give in to temptation. Wash the kitchen floor, hang out the washing. It's research. 8 Do change your mind. Good ideas are often murdered by better ones. I was working on a novel about a band called the Partitions. Then I decided to call them the Commitments. 9 Do not search amazon.co.uk for the book you haven't written yet. 10 Do spend a few minutes a day working on the cover biog – "He divides his time between Kabul and Tierra del Fuego." But then get back to work. Helen Dunmore 1 Finish the day's writing when you still want to continue. 2 Listen to what you have written. A dud rhythm in a passage of dialogue may show that you don't yet understand the characters well enough to write in their voices. 3 Read Keats's letters. 4 Reread, rewrite, reread, rewrite. If it still doesn't work, throw it away. It's a nice feeling, and you don't want to be cluttered with the corpses of poems and stories which have everything in them except the life they need. 5 Learn poems by heart. 6 Join professional organisations which advance the collective rights of authors. 7 A problem with a piece of writing often clarifies itself if you go for a long walk. 8 If you fear that taking care of your children and household will damage your writing, think of JG Ballard. 9 Don't worry about posterity – as Larkin (no sentimentalist) observed "What will survive of us is love". Geoff Dyer 1 Never worry about the commercial possibilities of a project. That stuff is for agents and editors to fret over – or not. Conversation with my American publisher. Me: "I'm writing a book so boring, of such limited commercial appeal, that if you publish it, it will probably cost you your job." Publisher: "That's exactly what makes me want to stay in my job." 2 Don't write in public places. In the early 1990s I went to live in Paris. The usual writerly reasons: back then, if you were caught writing in a pub in England, you could get your head kicked in, whereas in Paris, dans les cafés . . . Since then I've developed an aversion to writing in public. I now think it should be done only in private, like any other lavatorial activity. 3 Don't be one of those writers who sentence themselves to a lifetime of sucking up to Nabokov. 4 If you use a computer, constantly refine and expand your autocorrect settings. The only reason I stay loyal to my piece-of-shit computer is that I have invested so much ingenuity into building one of the great auto­correct files in literary history. Perfectly formed and spelt words emerge from a few brief keystrokes: "Niet" becomes "Nietzsche", "phoy" becomes  ­"photography" and so on. ­Genius! 5 Keep a diary. The biggest regret of my writing life is that I have never kept a journal or a diary. 6 Have regrets. They are fuel. On the page they flare into desire. 7 Have more than one idea on the go at any one time. If it's a choice between writing a book and doing nothing I will always choose the latter. It's only if I have an idea for two books that I choose one rather than the other. I ­always have to feel that I'm bunking off from something. 8 Beware of clichés. Not just the ­clichés that Martin Amis is at war with. There are clichés of response as well as expression. There are clichés of observation and of thought – even of conception. Many novels, even quite a few adequately written ones, are ­clichés of form which conform to clichés of expectation. 9 Do it every day. Make a habit of putting your observations into words and gradually this will become instinct. This is the most important rule of all and, naturally, I don't follow it. 10 Never ride a bike with the brakes on. If something is proving too difficult, give up and do something else. Try to live without resort to per­severance. But writing is all about ­perseverance. You've got to stick at it. In my 30s I used to go to the gym even though I hated it. The purpose of ­going to the gym was to postpone the day when I would stop going. That's what writing is to me: a way of ­postponing the day when I won't do it any more, the day when I will sink into a depression so profound it will be indistinguishable from perfect bliss. Anne Enright 1 The first 12 years are the worst. 2 The way to write a book is to actually write a book. A pen is useful, typing is also good. Keep putting words on the page. 3 Only bad writers think that their work is really good. 4 Description is hard. Remember that all description is an opinion about the world. Find a place to stand. 5 Write whatever way you like. Fiction is made of words on a page; reality is made of something else. It doesn't matter how "real" your story is, or how "made up": what matters is its necessity. 6 Try to be accurate about stuff. 7 Imagine that you are dying. If you had a terminal disease would you ­finish this book? Why not? The thing that annoys this 10-weeks-to-live self is the thing that is wrong with the book. So change it. Stop arguing with yourself. Change it. See? Easy. And no one had to die. 8 You can also do all that with whiskey. 9 Have fun. 10 Remember, if you sit at your desk for 15 or 20 years, every day, not ­counting weekends, it changes you. It just does. It may not improve your temper, but it fixes something else. It makes you more free. Richard Ford 1 Marry somebody you love and who thinks you being a writer's a good idea. 2 Don't have children. 3 Don't read your reviews. 4 Don't write reviews. (Your judgment's always tainted.) 5 Don't have arguments with your wife in the morning, or late at night. 6 Don't drink and write at the same time. 7 Don't write letters to the editor. (No one cares.) 8 Don't wish ill on your colleagues. 9 Try to think of others' good luck as encouragement to yourself. 10 Don't take any shit if you can ­possibly help it. Jonathan Franzen 1 The reader is a friend, not an adversary, not a spectator. 2 Fiction that isn't an author's personal adventure into the frightening or the unknown isn't worth writing for anything but money. 3 Never use the word "then" as a ­conjunction – we have "and" for this purpose. Substituting "then" is the lazy or tone-deaf writer's non-solution to the problem of too many "ands" on the page. 4 Write in the third person unless a ­really distinctive first-person voice ­offers itself irresistibly. 5 When information becomes free and universally accessible, voluminous research for a novel is devalued along with it. 6 The most purely autobiographical ­fiction requires pure invention. Nobody ever wrote a more auto­biographical story than "The Meta­morphosis". 7 You see more sitting still than chasing after. 8 It's doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction. 9 Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting. 10 You have to love before you can be relentless. Esther Freud 1 Cut out the metaphors and similes. In my first book I promised myself I wouldn't use any and I slipped up ­during a sunset in chapter 11. I still blush when I come across it. 2 A story needs rhythm. Read it aloud to yourself. If it doesn't spin a bit of magic, it's missing something. 3 Editing is everything. Cut until you can cut no more. What is left often springs into life. 4 Find your best time of the day for writing and write. Don't let anything else interfere. Afterwards it won't matter to you that the kitchen is a mess. 5 Don't wait for inspiration. Discipline is the key. 6 Trust your reader. Not everything needs to be explained. If you really know something, and breathe life into it, they'll know it too. 7 Never forget, even your own rules are there to be broken. Neil Gaiman 1 Write. 2 Put one word after another. Find the right word, put it down. 3 Finish what you're writing. Whatever you have to do to finish it, finish it. 4 Put it aside. Read it pretending you've never read it before. Show it to friends whose opinion you respect and who like the kind of thing that this is. 5 Remember: when people tell you something's wrong or doesn't work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. 6 Fix it. Remember that, sooner or later, before it ever reaches perfection, you will have to let it go and move on and start to write the next thing. Perfection is like chasing the horizon. Keep moving. 7 Laugh at your own jokes. 8 The main rule of writing is that if you do it with enough assurance and confidence, you're allowed to do whatever you like. (That may be a rule for life as well as for writing. But it's definitely true for writing.) So write your story as it needs to be written. Write it ­honestly, and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter. David Hare 1 Write only when you have something to say. 2 Never take advice from anyone with no investment in the outcome. 3 Style is the art of getting yourself out of the way, not putting yourself in it. 4 If nobody will put your play on, put it on yourself. 5 Jokes are like hands and feet for a painter. They may not be what you want to end up doing but you have to master them in the meanwhile. 6 Theatre primarily belongs to the young. 7 No one has ever achieved consistency as a screenwriter. 8 Never go to a TV personality festival masquerading as a literary festival. 9 Never complain of being misunderstood. You can choose to be understood, or you can choose not to. 10 The two most depressing words in the English language are "literary fiction". PD James 1 Increase your word power. Words are the raw material of our craft. The greater your vocabulary the more ­effective your writing. We who write in English are fortunate to have the richest and most versatile language in the world. Respect it. 2 Read widely and with discrimination. Bad writing is contagious. 3 Don't just plan to write – write. It is only by writing, not dreaming about it, that we develop our own style. 4 Write what you need to write, not what is currently popular or what you think will sell. 5 Open your mind to new experiences, particularly to the study of other ­people. Nothing that happens to a writer – however happy, however tragic – is ever wasted. AL Kennedy 1 Have humility. Older/more ­experienced/more convincing writers may offer rules and varieties of advice. ­Consider what they say. However, don't automatically give them charge of your brain, or anything else – they might be bitter, twisted, burned-out, manipulative, or just not very like you. 2 Have more humility. Remember you don't know the limits of your own abilities. Successful or not, if you keep pushing beyond yourself, you will enrich your own life – and maybe even please a few strangers. 3 Defend others. You can, of course, steal stories and attributes from family and friends, fill in filecards after lovemaking and so forth. It might be better to celebrate those you love – and love itself – by writing in such a way that everyone keeps their privacy and dignity intact. 4 Defend your work. Organisations, institutions and individuals will often think they know best about your work – especially if they are paying you. When you genuinely believe their decisions would damage your work – walk away. Run away. The money doesn't matter that much. 5 Defend yourself. Find out what keeps you happy, motivated and creative. 6 Write. No amount of self-inflicted misery, altered states, black pullovers or being publicly obnoxious will ever add up to your being a writer. Writers write. On you go. 7 Read. As much as you can. As deeply and widely and nourishingly and ­irritatingly as you can. And the good things will make you remember them, so you won't need to take notes. 8 Be without fear. This is impossible, but let the small fears drive your rewriting and set aside the large ones ­until they behave – then use them, maybe even write them. Too much fear and all you'll get is silence. 9 Remember you love writing. It wouldn't be worth it if you didn't. If the love fades, do what you need to and get it back. 10 Remember writing doesn't love you. It doesn't care. Nevertheless, it can behave with remarkable generosity. Speak well of it, encourage others, pass it on.

[torchstelechos]

just saw you saying you want to talk about The Characters (isat) what are some thoughts you got bip bap boppin around in the noggin about the Them

Ooooooooohhhh Anon,,,, Ooooooh, You have unlocked deep thoughts and long monologues.... have this piece of bullshit that I spat out in excitement

Isabeau: 

Ah yes, dear Isabeau, my most beloathed <3 (self recognition in other /derogatory). He’s one of the characters I’ve written the most meta for that's actually about his character in the game. I love him and hate him in equal measures but that's not what I want to talk about today! I want to discuss his morbid humor and fascination, I suppose. Also his rather interesting character type and how that's displayed in the game, specifically through his morbid thoughts and discussion choices. 

In the game we see plenty of times that Isabeau uses morbid word choices (killed them so that I could live friendquest quote) and brings up morbid discussion topics (what do we do if you die? What do we do if Bonnie dies?) that the others find disquieting. He also laughs at Siffrin’s time traveler joke, finds scary Siffrin attractive, and finds being paid attention too enough that they can harm you attractive. This brings me to my main point, which is that Isabeau is the cold scientist archetype character that tries to be the himbo fighter character. Of course we know that hes trying to hide himself behind the himbo character type, but the fact that he's analytic to a fault, morbid in almost every way, finds scary things attractive, and calls Changing killing his past self… this man is very much a scientist that was about to turn evil but decided friendship was the answer whose character was subverted into himbo fighter because those who are dumb are more liked than those who know things. It's interesting, and I think it’s one of the reasons I despise Isabeau POV fanfics. Most fanfics feel almost like his facade is him, and thats just not true and it bugs me so very much to read fanfics with his POV now. But! This isnt to say those fanfics aren’t well done! They are, I just find them lacking in canon Isabeau’s almost neutral analytical personality that was then filtered through therapy and self help books esque vibe. Fascinating character, hate him dearly for it though. 

Misc thoughts: 

I generally have a hard time nailing down everything I feel about him for a variety of reasons but I do want to say that I think he finds Siffrin’s big melt down appearance attractive after the whole thing blows over. I also think he doesn't have the best track record for what is okay to say or not? So he falls back on “I am dumb therefore I can say things that others find disturbing and frame it as something I just don't understand or misunderstood :)” which kind of backfires on him constantly because now no one really takes him seriously? I don’t know, I just find most smart characters have a hard time figuring out the social situation of certain things so they tend to either not care at all for tact or overthink everything and over compensate by not allowing themself to go for certain things. In this instance its him not being able to confess because he thinks he's bad for liking someone in a certain way and doesn't want to pressure them which backfires because he's otherwise a good communicator but failed hard with Siffrin. Speaking of, I don’t think hes ever gotten with anyone other than Siffrin. It took the world literally almost ending and a time looping induced trauma attack for him to confess he liked Siffrin, this man does NOT have game. So, lol, that kiss? Probably his first <3, RIP my man did not deserve that

Odile:

Strangely enough I don’t believe I have ever written a meta post for Odile? Or anything about her other than tags? So yeah, let's focus on her. She's a very honesty based character in a game literally about someone not being able to speak the truth, which is why I appreciate the sus route so much. She noticed something was wrong and went for it, leading her down rabbit holes best left untouched. Odile is a character that I truly think would have accidentally unleashed an eldritch horror on the quest if not for Isabeau stopping her. Mainly because she is smart but not academic smart, she's learned from her travels plenty of things that lend to real life experience but she's not much of an academic when it comes to how to get answers she wants (taking until the very last town to get a familytale while Siffrin took maybe three loops to do is. Certainly something!). Its fascinating, because if I were to actually describe her personality and how that lends to a character archetype I would say that she's a brawler character. Effectively, she and Isabeau are reflections of each other in a very specific way and I think about this often in her relation to the group. Its almost laughable how shes been put into this responsibility role of the group while Isabeau is off goofing around (and secretly plotting how to best respect his friends remains), shes not very good at knowing what is the best course of action and acts out in impulsive ways that harms others (Looking at you, hitting Trauma Big Siffrin moment) and that doesn’t… make her a good leader per say? I just find it funny, how others write her as someone who would go out of her way to research Siffrin’s home country and succeed when she barely succeeded in her own knowledge hunt. If anything, it would be Isabeau who would find the information and inform Odile rather than the other way round. I dunno, I just don’t think anyone is really considering the fact that she probably hasn’t set foot into a higher academic institution just based on her research skills. 

Misc thoughts: 

I’ve only seen one fanfic acknowledge the fact that Odile hit Siffrin? And did so in such a way that it hurt badly. I wouldn’t be surprised if it left a scar (which that little freak probably adores because he knows that it means he wont forget Odile ever again), alongside the others they gave themself. Speaking of said hurting, I don’t think it's really acknowledged how much Odile puts down Siffrin? Yes it's usually just a teasing moment here or there, but have yall thought of the fact that she compared Siffrin to an animal and has hit him? I think about this so much. I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep sometimes. She did that to him, and he *remembers it,* he acknowledges it during act 5, he has that ingrained into his *soul.* I think people should write about it more, or at least acknowledge that Siffrin probably… doesn’t want to talk to Odile about feelings or be touched by her for a while? Honestly, if I was Siffrin’s position during the failed friendquest moments? I would have said worse. I would have done worse. Because can you imagine? Imagine with me, you just remembered that your country is gone, everyone you love either doesnt remember you or is dead, the only person who could possibly tell you anything is the man you must kill, and your family member is talking about how hard it is to be in the country her mother is from and not feel a connection to it. That you are both more than your heritage. I would start biting, kicking, fighting, hell I would probably find out what she looks like without her bun! I would be pissed. But yaknow, Siffrin is a nice fella and kind of only waited to go off the deep end when they were sure they wouldn’t be able to escape. Anyway, I think of Odile sometimes and get violently ill by the knowledge she no longer holds that would explain some of Siffrin’s reactions and word choices to her cause no matter what? She can’t take it back. She never even said it. It’s not even real anymore. God I love this game, it makes me feel sick.

Mirabelle: 

Big ol’ sigh, yeah the-bitter-ocean if your out there I think about your tags on my Mira post a lot. The fandom doesn’t really get her do they? Most of the time I see people write her off as not very understanding or oblivious to other people’s feelings, which fair for romance (she didnt notice the very glowing sign of what I believe to be a ginger blushing but yaknow I understand as aro) but shes very good at knowing when someone isn’t feeling well? She has several unique dialogue options after Siffrin gets up from the field after looping which Odile does not have (despite EVERYONE ACKNOWLEDGING THEY’RE NOT OKAY), and asks after their wellbeing despite being in a constant anxiety attack and morality stress issues induced panic attack in the house. The only real big character flaw is a very typical shonen main character flaw which is that she is too trusting to a degree that it let Siffrin get away with almost destroying the world, Bonnie dying, and the others stepping all over her own feelings (not that any of these are her fault, but she did contribute to the lack of communication which lead to the loops. I love her, I do, but EVERYONE had a hand in Siffrin getting stuck in the loops). Her trust is also what led to the big fallout and slap she gives Siffrin during act 5, she was already giving her heart to him and the others and was constantly checking in during the adventure to make sure everyone was happy and okay with what was happening so the sudden switch from her POV is a huge betrayal of her trust in them. This is basically someone you were already on edge about hating you suddenly deciding that yes, they do hate you and everything you stand for because *they know.* No matter what you think about the situation, Mirabelle’s trust (her biggest character flaw) was thrown back into her face after she thought they were okay with her (not even a few weeks ago they said that this was the happiest they have ever been and she *remembers this fully and utterly*) and broke her heart with all her insecurities. It’s a very hopeless situation when you don’t have context, which means I don’t really blame her for slapping Siffrin, I just wish that it didn’t happen because as a Player I know the full context. Betrayal of trust… its a funny thing in this game, because it wasn’t a betrayal specifically from one POV but from the other it was. Fascinating! I despise it, I love it, it makes me sick. 

Misc Thoughts: 

Oooooh Mira we are in it now, This endgame of yours has left you with insecurities and trauma you didn’t think possible. I love her, I do, which is why I also have a great idea for a fanfic that involves her getting some VERY bad coping mechanisms <3 teehee. Careful what you wish for darling! Things go bad if you don’t take care of what you love. Anyway, I don’t think it’s weird to have Mira in outfits that are contrasting too heavily from her personality in the game? I dont know how to say this, but I think it’s a tad strange that I’ve seen roleswap aus/personality swap aus where Mirabelle is different via aesthetic? Because thats her whole religion? Sure she doesnt want to change but I don’t think she minds much clothing or aesthetic wise? In fact i think she considers that the safest option? So I dunno, I think people should dress her in goth and emo outfits more. Also I do think its a tad silly people don’t focus too much on her journey trauma and rather focus on her romance trauma, yall know that was just a distraction and not her main issues, right? Like yall know this game isnt romance the simulator, right???? RIGHT???? God Mira, you would hate that the fandom boils you down to your AceAroness, I just fucking know it. 

Bonnie: 

Who let this sassy small child into this story???? God, dearest Bonnie, the literal best party member Imo. I love them dearly, they are one of the meanest fucking assholes in the game I adore them. Yall think about the longstanding issues Siffrin has with touch and reaching out and how the rotten adults route fucking annihilates them into smithereens lol. I think about the fact that Bonnie has harmed Siffrin soooo much in the loops, it leaves me breathless because this small child has killed Siffrin twice, slapped their hands away when they tried to help them (for the first time in Bonnies POV!! Thats huge!!), and yelled at them multiple times about how awful they are. I do wonder what would have happened if the rotten adults route continued without looping? Who would have spoken up and who would have had to realize that something is WRONG with Siffrin in that moment? Would Bonnie backpedal when they realize? What was Siffrin’s facial expression right then? What happened? I just. God. Fuck. No one talks about this AT ALL in the fandom and it drives me insane. Despite everything, despite what was erased, what was unmade, the effects stayed and will continue to harm Siffrin. Do yall think about the idea that Siffrin probably doesnt reach out until Bonnie does post loops? I think about this so much, Bonnie has harmed Siffrin so many times it would kill them if they ever found out, and I desperately need them to find out. I also kind of,, just assumed that Bonnie would be keeping a keen eye on Siffrin’s eating and remind them to eat and drink water (even if I dont think Siffrin needs that) after the loops because its an easy way to help and have some control over situations? I dunno, I think Bonnie is a very complicated kid who has harmed and been harmed and no one will ever know just how much has been done and undone. 

Misc Thoughts: 

I still think Bonnie should be able to make and throw bombs post bomb memory. I just NEED Bonnie to throw a molotov at the King, fuck, it would be so funny. Also as a side note, I do think growing up Bonnie has to deal with a lot of untreated Trauma and probably reacts very similar to Siffrin before someone comments on the fact that they are just like him and suddenly they start going to a therapist about it, I do not think they would take it as a compliment for even one instance. They would get sick so fast and go, me and them? Similar? No. I have to go to get a doctor. I cannot be a Frin Jr. the world could not handle it. And suddenly they have the second best mental health of the group (first goes to Isabeau because Isabeau was already in therapy before the game, I just fucking know it <3) which makes everyone fucking jealous as hell because seriously? The Kid??? Damnit. But yeah I do think the fastest way anyone could get Bonnie to accept help is to compare them to Siffrin because they do have a Recognition of Self in the Other (derogatory) thing going on with Siffrin in the game, which is probably worse by the fact that they grew up with him as a role model. Everyone that knows them is like, oh my change your so lucky! The saviors are your family that must be so cool <3, and Bonnie is like. They make me to go to bed on time and force me to eat veggies what the fuck are you saying. Anyway yeah I love Bonnie so much, the meanest fucking kid in the game <3. 

Siffrin: 

Aaauuuggghhhhh, the one everyone is waiting for, the Siff of the Frin. Love this fucking idiot, but yeah lets talk touch and how the family has hurt them over the loops <3. Okay so straight out the gate, Bad touch! Isabeau pushing them away after they kiss him, which is very understandable because yaknow Isabeau could tell that was a desperation kiss and is not okay for either of them but! Holy shit! Siffrin, my dear friend that was probably the worst thing you could have done, but yeah that did leave its marks deeply in them so I will mark that down as harmed. Then we get the bad friendquests, which yeah Isabeau hitting them with the “I thought you were also trying” hurts more than I can physically say, but we’ll mark that down as two. Then Odile hits them, grabs their collar, sus quest bullshit, and general disdain for Siffrin lying about the stars we’ll mark down as four more which leads to six. Mirabelle slapping Siffrin and letting him get away with lying about his health we’ll put at 8. Bonnie pushing him into a tear, pineapple, slapping hands away, and yelling at them multiple times we’ll put at 12. Then there's the “like taming a wild animal” teasing which Ill put at 13, all of which is just off the top of my brain and I know there's more moments that hurt Siffrin deeply. Yaknow, looking at this, typing this, it seems a tad silly but. How else could I describe the never ending pain at knowing that most of these wont be acknowledged as bad for Siffrin as it was bad for the others? I dunno, I think about Siffrin giving everything up for the party and no one knowing exactly what they did because how could they? It’s gone. It’s not real anymore, not until Siffrin says it. I just. I dont know where I’m going with this but Siffrin as a character hurts me deeply, and I think it’s because no matter what happens Siffrin refuses to acknowledge when the others hurt him back. Just. Keeping the cycle going because they dont know how to break it, and they never have until they break first. I just think of this a lot. Him being stuck, in circles over and over. 

Misc Thoughts: 

I wanna chew him up and spit him out like a dog toy. No further comments (see my blog for further comments). ((I need to see a Self inflicted Achromatic animatic, pls, fuck plsssss))

LOOP: 

Loop time!! Loop time! I am physically ill because of this beast. You all know that one fanart where it says “You Won!” and Loop is dry heaving? Thats me at literally any moment when I think about Loop. 

I am a little shy to admit though that I didn’t catch their facade at first, mainly because I’m not very good at catching things like that at first? If a person acts a certain way, thats how they act! So Yeah, ya boy was confused by two hats lol. But afterwards I did do a bit of thinking and as I mentioned in a previous post i do think Loop is pretending/acting like how they remembered Siffrin acted like before the loops. Mira mentions that Siffrin is mean in teasing, enough so that it might have hurt if she didnt know that it was friendly teasing. Isabeau has a great monologue about his feelings on Siffrin before the loops, and Siffrin themself acknowledges some of their less than savory traits before the loops during the loops as well. This is to say, Loop is a fucking prick that tries to be floating and teasing in their comments while hitting where it hurts in just the right way that they can pretend that they mean something else. I genuinely think thats how Loop remembers themself before they were Loop, even if they got some things VERY WRONG. Of course, by the time they realize this it’s too late and that’s their personality now, which is kind of fucked up when you realize how much of their personality is them acting out a half remembered person who died many many many loops ago. But alas, such is the way of Loop. 

Also if we think about Loop in comparison to Siffrin. Well. We get an interesting picture. But the thought makes me too ill to continue. But I will say loving someone so much you destroy yourself for them… I don't think anyone in the family would be happy about that really. Theres a difference between destroying yourself and destroying the world… I wonder why that is for them, what made the difference between self and the world. A fool, and the world. Hmm. Interesting. Anyway, Loop’s facade gets me everytime and I want to use them as a stuffed animal. 

Misc Thoughts: 

Yeah that STAR CAN NOT EAT OR DRINK, lol get rekted they cant even fucking get drunk. Now for some HCs, I do think that Loop would wear a promise ring, even if no one in this Vaugarde understands what that means. I just. Think that Loop wouldn’t be able to let go of Their Fighter. Hahaha! I don’t really wanna go further into detail about this rn but I AM THINKING… Loop is one of the saddest characters I have ever fucking had the audacity to love. No I will not take comments on this further lol. (Me loving Loop and Siffrin while disliking Isabeau? Call me an Isabeau Kinnie at the rate lol)