#i do like it myself v much but i do admit i havent had time to properly

[evellys--blog]

honestly lviing

okay, ive kinda been on a pause with posting, and its mainly bc of me being afraid of pushing an image that i dont care about the political landscape, that i dont care about the people going through genocides, exploitation, capitalism, and colonialism right now, and I do, its on my mind 24/7, and im trying to refocus a *lot* of what im doing in life to being more about volunteering, community building, local events, stuff like that, but I just wanted this blog to be a simple, almost journal like experience, where I just write down whatever i want at the end of the day, yk? but no, i became so self-absorbed, so egotistical, with nothing too lmao, no followers, no reach at all, that i just stopped posting my own stuff, just to maintain my "image." which imo is much worse than just being honest about not doing very much irl to help, which feels sad to admit, but im rlly not doing much at all, and idk why i havent, but im spending each day learning and trying to extend more.

It's hard lol, ive spent basically my whole life being walled off, like fuckin self-isolationist, and not taking v much risks at all, i stayed alone the majority of quarantine, i stayed alone majority before quarantine. Yk the meme of like "my life was the same during covid" that spread a bit during the earlier days of it? yeah thats how i felt lmao. Then I justified it to myself with "oh im an introvert," "oh im just an infp lol," "i dont need people," and i just am alienated from everyone, recently not as much, but def its still there. Ive had this feeling of craving for community for a few months now, almost a year, and it feels like ive made so little progress. Everything i do feels like it takes twice the amount of time it takes anyone else, I dont even know why, (lol rant ahead prob) like its so annoying seeing ur friends make excellent music or make a great video game, and ur stuck fucking learning how to code physics for the 3rd fcuking time, it irritates me so fucking much and then schoolwork i procrastinate to the point where almost everything i turn in is late, so it just backlogs and i cant make any meaningful creative projects, but then bc of that im too fucking depressed and seeking gratification that i just procrastinate more, so then i never learn any real skills and im fucking boring and i cant fucking communicate so im fucking awkward around ppl and then it just alienates me from my friends more and its just this stupid fucking cycle and. ugh. anyways. it should not be this hard. it really should not be this hard. most of its on me. but i really dont fucking know. I'm learning, im rlly learning as much as i can but i feel like im fucking clueless.

peace and love, and Free Free Palestine! Within our Lifetime!!!

[alienaiver]

Of all the ugly parts;

Sakusa Kiyoomi x gn!reader

warnings: descriptions of self-loathing and general insecurities - let me know if i missed anything tho! wordcount: 1.3k content: vent piece, genderneutral reader, happy ending, mild angst, hurt/comfort, character study, healthy communication, fluff, mentions of a wedding but like not as a plot point!

notes: this is honestly just a vent piece! i’m not entirely sure what the entire point of it was but i relate deeply to sakusa on some levels and he was a good outlet for some emotions! this is the first time i’ve written for him tho, so i hope i did him justice! thank you for reading!

”No one likes when you’re in that mood.”

He doesn’t, either.

“You should practice becoming more palatable to the world.”

He thinks so, too.

Sakusa isn’t a stranger to negative comments about him – he learned to brush them off at an early age, deciding his own comfort came before anyone else’s and that he’d meet the right people one day.

And meet the right people? He did – as he thinks about how the MSBY Jackals all treat him well and with love despite his uglier parts and he thinks about you, grumpy and sleepy in the bed next to him before he goes for mornings runs.

But sometimes he explodes. He explodes and collapses in on himself and even the people who treat him with such love and care gets caught in the downfall and he isn’t a stranger to see the hurt flash in your eyes when he reacts outwardly and hits you with venom.

It wasn’t even your fault, really. He’d gotten a call from his mother earlier that day, already clouding up his mind with irritableness and the experience of an itch he wanted to scratch to blood. It’s game season but practice had gone like shit, none of his hits making any sense and he needed to do way more penalty dives than he thought was necessary for a pro volleyball player.

So when he got home and you’d emptied his dishwasher for him but put the forks and spoons in the wrong place, he couldn’t hold back the bile that’d been steadily growing in his esophagus throughout the entire day and spat it out right onto your own, unsuspecting face.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair that he met you and you made him think he was anywhere near worthy of your love. It’s not fair to you that he’s so difficult and spoiled and narcissistic and has a tendency to spiral into this gooey, dark mess of a person.

So here he is, by the riverbank, reconsidering every life choice he’s ever made and reminded of all the angry, disappointed sentences thrown at him when he was younger and suddenly he realizes something,

They were all right about him.

He clicks his tongue and fists his hand into the grass beneath him, only then realizing that he’s willingly placed himself on the ground. Him, on the ground.

He does a breathing exercise – one that you taught him, seven in, hold for six and nine out- it’s supposed to help, right?

“You’re doing great,��

He’s thrown out of his concentration by the warmth of your voice next to him, the gentleness in your voice so easily spotted and so easily embracing him – he’s relaxing his shoulders instantly.

“My boss yelled at me today,” you start, situating yourself comfortably on the grass, “but then at lunch, it was Margot’s birthday. She pulled me aside after the cake and told me our boss is full of crap,” you laugh and Sakusa realizes what you’re doing, “I also met a dog after I got out of the supermarket! I was allowed to pet it and it was so nice, wanted to lick my face so bad.”

You reach out a hand tentatively towards his, “how was your day?”

Sakusa sighs and retracts his hand from the grass. He ignores his own grimace at the action,

“I’m not a good person.”

You hum and place both your hands on your lap, “and I’m not… easy, or lovable. I wasn’t a lovable single and I am definitely not a lovable boyfriend.”

For a while you don’t say anything and Sakusa’s not sure what else to tell you.

“The first time we met, you told me I smelled like shit.”

Sakusa winces and while he’ll never admit it, he’s currently fighting to hold back tears – keep them behind his lash line and safely stored away. Letting them drop was not an option, “and the second time we met you asked Komori why he’d brought me.”

You laugh at these memories and Sakusa wants to yell – he wants to get up and scream at the top of his lungs that you need to leave him, that he didn’t turn into the palatable adult everyone wanted him to become and that his intricate made-up rules is clearly affecting how this relationship is going to go, how you deserve someone so much better, but then you add, “but the third time we met was on the crowded train, where you noticed my panic attack. You got me out of the train and helped me calm down and then you walked me home.”

“Remember the fourth?” you ask after a moment of silence and dumbfounded, he can only shake his head, still unable to look directly at you, “you came to my place the day after with some snacks and a Ghibli movie, telling me how Whisper of the Heart always makes you feel like it’s going to be okay. You’d spent 45 minutes in the convenience store choosing snacks because you didn’t know which I liked,”

You sigh out and a nostalgic smile graces your features, your lips reaching your eyes at this point. Sakusa’s always loved that smile. “The other day you made me a cup of tea when I stressed about that meeting and you didn’t even reprimand me for not rinsing my plate after dinner. Yesterday, you didn’t come after me for not hanging my towel on the rack to the left of the sink.”

You reach for his hand again and this time, though with a flinch, he lets you take it. He notices how warm it is compared to his and he thinks he must’ve sat out here for a while before you came after him. You always did know how to handle his outbursts. Give him time to cool down and then talk,

“I love you, Kiyoomi. I don’t want you to change – not for anyone but especially not for me. I fell in love with the Omi who gags at public toilets and groans loudly when I even think about skipping a shower for being too tired. I fell in love with the Omi who has a very valid need to have things a certain way, who offers me some structure in my own life just by upholding his own. I fell in love with the Omi who motivates me to do better, to be better, because he’s such a wonderful and deeply lovable person that sometimes I can’t even wrap my head around it. And Omi?” you squeeze his hand and he finally gathers the courage to raise his head – albeit only a little.

“I also fell in love with the Omi who lets me into his space so openly, who makes room for me and happily obliges for cuddles when I’m needy, who’s attentive to my needs and makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. Who takes care of me and loves me despite my own flaws.”

You lean in and rest your forehead against his, “flaws are something we all have and I don’t love you despite your ugly parts, I love you with them.”

There’s silence as Sakusa processes your words, overwhelmed by the sheer sincerity he felt in your voice.

“I kinda went on a rant, sorry.”

He laughs then, laughs hoarsely and squeezes your hand back. It’s not until you reach up to wipe a tear from his cheek that he realizes that he failed in holding them back, letting out another nervous laugh, “those sounded like wedding vows,” he jokes and you smile mischievously, “it was really good too! Maybe I should write it down for the future,” you joke and a blush creeps up to his ears at the implications of your words. You lean in and gently give him a peck on his lips, “you’re allowed to react outwardly, that doesn’t make you a bad person. You can’t scare me away with you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Let’s go home.”

@hanayanetwork​ 🌸

[autisticforestgremlin]

I have one stipulation for a partner: if you love me, you will clean the bathroom.

I will clean the whole damn house and do the laundry and the dishes and the yard work. Just please....never make me clean the bathroom again. Hire a maid. I dont care. Just....ugh.

I've always had major issues with cleaning my bathroom. I have v minor issues with germs, but bathroom germs are like at phobia levels. I used to refuse to eat anything in the bathroom, and on bad days I still can't deal. I hate the dust on the floor. I used to call it "finger eating crud" because it terrified me. Still does. Unfamiliar bathrooms skeeve me out. Im terrified to take showers in not-my-shower. Like....dry heave terrified. I think thats why nausea and vomiting freak me out so much because they involve too much time in the bathroom. Or maybe its the other way around? Idk.

Im finally admitting this. Finally recognizing that it's not be being a brat. Its the autism. Idk why bathroom germs are a trigger but here. We. Are.

Im legit curled up and rocking on the floor because I just cleaned most of my bathroom and now I gotta do my tub and im trying to hard not to hyperventilate. I havent been able to clean in a while so its "bad" in my terms (visible dust) and i am not. Okay. Right. Now.

The good news is that I'm admitting this. And being kind to myself. And uncomfy stimming (my words for stimming to get rid of uncomfy feelings/stimuli).

Fun fact: i started to realize this fear of bathrooms wasn't universal when @completelycarly cheerfully cleaned the camp bathroom which is like x1000 creepy factor to me. I was like wait? Its not normal? Tp legit have? Anxiety about cleaning bathrooms?

Idk whats wrong with me but. Im aware of it now.

Edit: oh BTW I hate the smell of most bathroom cleaning products for this reason too. I will yeet regular scented clorox wipes away from me if given the chance. I once found Pina colada scented wipes and that was the best cleaning experience ever.

[collxpsedhexrt]

Matchup tingsss 🥺👉👈

just a warning i type this in a shit post format bc im too scared to talk about myself in a grammatically correct manner because i hate myself

huge note: my type is BIG w big ol shoulders and big and tall and did i mention big so yeah cuddles ok thanks bye i also updated a photo of me- bc i suck at describing my appearance

👀

👄

ok so anyways lets a gO

NOTE: i dont label my sexuality sorry idc who to swing for ion like swinging i like hugging thanks ok bye also im EXTREMELY mentally and emotionally unstable haha ok thanx 🥺😳💅

꧁𝙰𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎꧂

I am 163cm and 190lb (I am also very peculiar about knowing my exact measurements, height, and weight all the time?? Confusion???)

I am one pasty ass bitch despite being (excuse the lele pons moment) LaTiNa👁👄👁,,, I have very long warm black hair that is either wavy or borderline kinky curls no in between,,,, I have amber eyes and have FrEcKlEs everywhere but not like super intense,,, i could probably put a photo (and i will at the end-) bc idk how to describe my ugly ass morbidly obese bleached walrus headass face tbh??

Not to be an annoying basic bitch but i supposedly have an hourglass figure but im more plump so ig i have a more motherly appearance- idk tbh my body dysmorphia says i look like patrick star on my 600lb life so lets get poggers in the chat, tea?? tea sis?? who’d knock me tf up im ugly doe ahaha 👁👄👁

꧁𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢꧂

hngh i never stop apologizing- even if u knock me down multiple times ill keep going back to you and forgiving you, and thats on daddy issues

im an empath and like a lot of spiritual stuff like tarot and stuff,,, wont get too into it bc im inexperienced

GIFTED.CHILD.BURNOUT.

also bc i like gaming i can be “one of the bros” and tbh i LOVE being a semi-stereotypical jock-like gamer boy like “oHH YEASAH *crushes soda can on my head* GAMING TIME BOOOYYYYSSS” and i kinda forget im a girl sometimes bc i (gross warning) can like,,, burp wit da bois 😳👉👈,,,,

I am an INFJ-T (the T means im a shitshow!) and ion wanna get too much into my uh,,, issues w/ eating,,,, but basically lets say it causes a lot of dizziness on my end but like im still obese so its ok lol

also im like,,,,, the runt of the group like literally nobody likes me (at least thats what i tell myself aHEM-)

and also i have eXTREEEEEEEME trust issues like holy fuck nobody can catch a break

Oh shit wait i should say idk what i am in terms of sexuality literally nothing fits me ahaha but i am an afab female lady girl as far as i know bc im not currently in a safe place to explore these things, Jimbo!

also im so sorry for being messy im spacing things out so it can be an organized mess im so so sorry i love you anf thank you for taking your time to read this i love you and appreciate you!!

I am a libra sun, and a pisces moon and rising so that means im a crybaby bitch but to the third power (^3)

oh shit yeah im also a hufflepuff

basically i like to make everyone laugh and im not good with serious shit but when it comes down to it sometimes i can take on a maternal role when comforting friends but u will never get me to admit it..... wait-

꧁𝙷𝚘𝚋𝚋𝚒𝚎𝚜꧂

ART ART AND MORE ART OH MY GOD FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK SO MUCH ART- im specifically into the character design and i actually plan on going into game development in coolegg

👁👄👁👉👈

i havent sang seriously in like,,,, years tho bc my choir teacher kicked me out the choir bc my brother was having a life saving surgery the day of a performance anD I NEVER FORGOT IT KAREN. meaning ion let shit go like that bc im an insecure and emotionally broken biTCH

ok i love games- from little big planet, outlast 1/2, detroit become human, beyond two souls, TO OVERWATCH YES I LOVE YOU OVERWATCH, and aminal crossigng uwu

ok so anyways i mean yeah uh,,, i also like writing poetry sometimes and writing but im like yuri (ddlc) and cant help but be borderline pretentious with using over complicated words despite my shit grammar here lol

but yeah

i also live on a farm and i love taking care of my chickens duckies turkies andn pheasants mvmvmbm,,,, i lvoe themn,,,,fhfjdjd,,, OMG I USED TO HAVE GOATS AND GUINEA HENS BUT FUCKINGNG CORONA VIRUS MADE IT HARD TO CARE FOR THEM SO WE HAD TO SELL THEM AND HMMMMMMM ANGERY

but on another note i hav doggies and uwu!!! they v cute best dogeis ever 100/10 recommend these dogies,,,,

꧁𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚢 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜꧂

im a hermit and quarantine is just fun to me

I have a high pitched voice so my friends deemed me the god of anime voice thank u

But honestly i find my voice creepy, it’s as if my voice is ghostly and haunting. That’s in real life, but say we called on discord.... I’m loud and obnoxious but i always make people laugh, only when im on a call like that does my personality change so much.

im an amazing host tbh,,, “Hey- I have tea, coffee, coffee with foam, water, milk, juice, soda, and i could make you some food!” “Do you want some popcorn? Are you sure? Do you need a blanket? Would you like for me to turn on the humidifier?” I WILL SPOIL PPL ROTTEN WITH LOVE AFFECTION FOOD AND DRINKS GALORE

“hhnngh,,, maybe if im good enough of a host it will fill the void,,,”

oh also i have a weird accent bc im puerto rican

👁👄👁✨

UPDATE: ADDED LIKES/DISLIKES!!! and love tings

꧁𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎꧂

my love language is physical touch mainly but i can channel it through making food n stuffs uwu

I rarely if ever fall in love. but when i do, i crash hard. I become putty in the person’s hands, willing to take (metaphorical) beating after beating and insults and cruelty just for their love to be reciprocated. I become totally helpless and obsessive, memorizing their schedule and things they like. Treasuring every memory of when we can be physically close to one another, platonically or not... I become my “best self” and my performance rate drastically increases, but my mental state drastically decreases. I become horribly depressed and anxious, always making meticulously calculated movements and always showing that im willing to support them with everything.

I particularly have a thing for tall guys with big shoulders.

꧁𝙻𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜/𝙳𝚒𝚜𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜꧂

OK THIS IS UNDERRATED BUT I LOOOVE PEWDIEPIE PLEASE DONT HATE ME I JUST LOVE HIS HUMOR ANDN,,,,, 🥺👉👈

god i just- idk i have mixed feelings abt amberlynn reid bc obviously shes super hurt n stuff but shes done so much crap i just HNNGNHH,,,, ANGERY,,, but i show support sometimes but i aint ever giving her my money by subscribing

I also like (cue the angry mob) fnaf-

homestuck and harry potter r also LIFE

i dont like when ppl are egotistical unless theyre charming,,,, bc if theyre charming i 100% feed their ego.

i HATE when people do self destructive things (IM A FUCKING HYPOCRITE) like “NO- nO dont fRICKIN do that- BAD. here, let me make you some food...”

anyways heres that promised picture if this ugly mug

[merrysithmas]

hahaha soo boris took the painting from theo ("because he is a thief") but we been knew he actually he took it bc he knew how important it was to theo and that if he had it it would be a guarantee that they would see one another again in life should they ever get separated and hes v attached like supersized woah

THEN, theo legit deadass leaves like 10 mins after telling boris he needs to dip when his dad dies to avoid the system and boris is all, well if he leaves and finds out i took it maybe hell hate me forever??? so he tries to convince theo to stay, realizing he cant do that to theo, who values the painting so highly, or to himself, who values theo so highly

but fr fr theo is like GOTTA JET and straight up does not agree to hang around in vegas even a second longer, so boris is like fuck fuck well i screwed myself hes def gonna hate me: cant return it secretly, cant retrieve it w/o him knowing i took it, cant leave with him w/o it, so i guess im gonna have to keep it Wow This Is Going Exactly And Yet Nothing Like I Planned -- and lands a kiss on him like sayonara baby i might as well make this a Goodbye not just a goodbye (lower case) if this is going to be the last time you see me as more than the asshole who took your mom from you

so get this: FF eight whole ass years where they havent seen one another and Mr Stay Away From The Ones You Love Too Much Bc It Will Kill You "suspiciously" (see: gayly) has never contacted theo because A) he doesnt want to see how much he expects theo hates him bc it will, in fact, kill him and so long as he doesnt face the music it doesnt exist A La Boris, B) he later explains how the painting is out there and he doesnt want theo to have a known connection w him, and expects theo must be very nervous and frightened it will become known he took it from the museum

but like..... what !! keeps!! me up at night is that BORIS TOOK THE PAINTING SO HE'D NEVER LOSE THEO yet THE EXACT PAINTING WAS WHAT KEPT THEM SEPARATE FOR 8 YEARS, so like wow fuckup of a lifetime boris, and like???? he obv hated himself for it. he even admits he came "to love" the painting too - like theo did. it was a reminder of the best (his happiness in vegas and his abilities to still have friendship, kindness, and love despite his horrible life) and worst (the self-centered survivalist) of himself - ugh. pain.

MEANWHILE: the goldfinch that SMUG ass lil birb itself is literally the ultimate troll knowing EXACTY what it did to these 2 boys and how it was necessary for BOTH of their healing and development, like boris said, cajoling them into bad leading them around to good

not ONLY was the painting chaining them to their own character flaws (like the chain on the bird's foot), but irreversibly to each other, and getting rid of it together was their destiny

bye!!!

[logina-logic-sanders]

Deceit angst

Hey I decided to do some Deceit angst where the other sides forget about Deceit's birthday.

TW: Deceit, lying, mention of cutting, self hatred, not eating

Deceit's  P.O.V

Today's my birthday and I'm hoping i can spend it with the others. I get up and get dressed before going downstairs and everyone was in the kitchen so I walk in and I am met with disgusted faces.

3rd Person P.O.V.

Deceit smiles slightly and just stands in the door way. "What are you doing here you snake face?" Roman asks hatred lacing his voice. "I didnt come to get breakfast" Deceit replies not showing it hurt that no one said happy birthday. "Well hurry up and get it and get out no one wants you here" Roman spat. Deceit nods and grabs his breakfast and disappears upstairs to his room. No one noticed that there were tears in his eyes.

Deceit's P.O.V.

They forgot...they forgot my birthday I cant believe that they hate me so much to forget about it but I guess I can't blame them I'm hideous and unwanted. I eat my breakfast and make the plate go to the kitchen. I lay on my bed just looking at the ceiling and my pet snake Medusa slithers  over to me and curls up on my chest and nuzzles my scales and I smile a bit. "Thanks Medusa I'm glad you remembered my birthday........"

~at lunch~

I didnt even bother to go down for lunch. Why you ask well I'm not wanted there anyways so why even bother going down stairs. I get up and got to my bathroom and look in the mirror and look disgusted. I hate my scales and my yellow eye and the fangs and the tongue I hate it all. I grab a pocket knife and roll up my sleeves and begin to cut this isnt my first time cutting so I know how to keep from crying out. I sigh and watch the blood flow from my arm and wrap up my arms and go and lay back down. I begin to softly sing happy birthday to myself tears streaming down my face. I finally decided to get rid of myself and I grab the pocket knife and make a deep cut along my throat. Medusa curls up on my chest hissing in protest but soon lays there hissing softly. And I take my last breath shutting my eyes.

3rd person P.O.V.

Thomas felt different like something was off so he summoned his sides. Everyone showed up except Deceit. "Where's Deceit?" Thomas asks the others. Roman scoffs "how would we know where that slimy snake is?" He received a glare from Virgil. "We dont know kiddo probably in his room he came down for breakfast and went to his room to eat and we havent seen him since." Patton says. Thomas sighs "do you guys even know what day it is today?" Logan thinks for a second. "February 5th why?" Patton's and Virgil's eyes widen "It's Deceit's birthday!" Patton looks down he cant believe he forgot. Virgil was nervous he never forgot Deceit's birthday. "I'm guessing that's why he wanted to have breakfast with us or even came out of his room at all he wanted to spend his birthday with us......." Virgil says looking down. Roman stayed silent he was the one who told Deceit to leave and made him feel unwanted he immediately sunk out and appears in front of Deceit's door knocking. He received no reply so he knocks again. Again Roman received no reply so he just opened the door and he let out a blood murder scream. Medusa hisses at Roman threatening him that if he came closer she would hurt him. The others show up. Patton starts crying into Logan's chest. Logan comforts Patton tears streaming down his face. Virgil let's out a loud sob and walks into the room sitting on the bed. Medusa slithers onto Virgil's shoulders also grieving over her dead owner. Virgil clings to Deceit's body crying. Once he was done he grabbed Deceit's hat and holds it close to his chest. Medusa nuzzles Virgil she knew how Virgil saw Deceit as a big brother. "V-virgil?" Roman says. "Get out....." Virgil says "k-kiddo" Patton stutters. "I SAID GET OUT!!" Virgil screams and the others flinch and leave to give him some time. "I'm sorry I didnt notice I'm sorry I forgot I'm sorry I didnt help.........I'm sorry big brother for I have failed you and now I've lost you.......I love you Dece......I'm sorry I was too blind to see your pain....rest in peace and please dont forget me...." Virgil kisses Deceit's head grabs the hat and puts Medusa on his shoulders and leaves shutting them door and watches it fade away. Medusa nuzzles Virgil and he smiles. Virgil then appeared in front of Thomas and the others the hat still held close to his chest and Medusa around his shoulders. "Thomas....Deceit's gone he wont be here anymore.......meet Medusa his snake......she'll be appearing in videos with me....." Thomas looks down and nods. "Virgil....I'm sorry..." Roman tries to apologize for how he treated Deceit but didnt get far. "Just shut up Creativity I dont want to hear your apologies you caused my big brother to kill himself and I dont want to talk to you right now........" Virgil says. Logan was silently crying he hadnt said a single word he would never admit to the others but he loved Deceit. "Logan....?" Patton says. Logan looks up and everyone is shocked that he is crying "I loved him....." was all Logan said before sinking out and to his room. Virgil followed and hugs Logan. Medusa slithers onto Logan's shoulder a note was wrapped around her body that they had not noticed before. Virgil takes it and reads it.

Dear Virgil, Logan, Roman, Patton and Thomas,

I'm sorry that you had to find me like this or if you care enough to......well I'll just cut to the Chase. Virgil you were the best little brother I could have asked for....it hurt when I realized you forgot my birthday but I was glad that you were happy with the others. Roman..I know you hated me but I would have liked to of considered us as friends. Patton....even though I never showed it I saw you as a father figure that I never got to have.....your jokes were hilarious and I loved how you could brighten up a room just with your smile....dont beat yourself up about this.....Thomas...I'm sorry that I was a disorder that you had to deal with....I never asked to be Deceit but I was....sorry that I couldnt do more for you.....and lastly Logan....God this is hard I know you probably wont reciprocate my feelings but here goes nothing......Logan I love you as in romantically and if I do die from this I want you to take care of Medusa as well with Virgil you two take turns taking care of her she hates being left alone......she will most likely not go anywhere near Roman but she will Patton she loves his jokes but she knows Roman will probably yell at her so she will tend to avoid him.....Medusa my lovely Python I love you so much and be good for everyone and dont hurt yourself because you miss me just remember I'll always love you.........well this is goodbye......

Love,

Damien Deceit Sanders.

Logan starts crying "he loved me back......." Medusa hisses and nuzzles Logan. Everyone knew that they had underestimated Deceit or Damien as he said his name was. And they wished that they could have done more to make him feel loved.

This is my most recent one so yeah enjoy

[bi-dazai]

Could you talk more abt double black’s romance coding if you don’t mind?

it’s just kind of a fun thing!! but anyway the fact is that there’s a lot of double entendre in all of their interactions, history, etc, to the point that as an author myself and also with the knowledge of particularly how the real life dazai osamu deconstructed heterosexual relationships…the character dazai’s relationship with the character chuuya also having such a…homoerotic edge in their dynamic, particularly in the way every fucking scene, line of dialogue, and visual imagery theyre portrayed in is very, VERY easy to pull a romantic double meaning out of…it’s just that to me as an author and by the way skk is written…like thats exactly how i would write a complex broken romantic relationship. 

the way i always put it is try to imagine if one of them was a girl - particularly chuuya, because chuuya absolutely fills in the “jilted lover” to the “cool anime husbando” stereotype. there would be absolutely no doubt that the two have canon sexual tension if one of them was a girl. like it would be known and talked about p openly that, yeah, they used to date/there is a romantic/sexual aspect to their partnership, if one of them was a girl! 

-

to me also there are two types of ships - ships that are just fun dynamics and pairings (shinsou/kaminari, atsushi/akuutagawa, mori/the firey pits of hell where paedophilies burn); and ships that have plenty of canon romantic potential, double entendre, and/or romantic dynamic that i could actually see happening in canon (think kirishima/bakugou, korra/asami, lance/keith from voltron before s7). dazai and chuuya absolutely fall very easily into that second category. to me, dazai/chuuya is more than just “oh wouldnt it be cute if they dated”, it’s more “every time these two characters interact every single thing they say and do is a double entendre”. 

-

the scene where they first interact is literally one of the most sexually tense things in anime ive seen in ages. the way they talk about each other and worry about each other in the double black episode is much more complex and heartfelt than the way kunikida and dazai are written to talk about/to and worry about each other. kunikida and dazai have been shown to be friends and also put trust in one another, yet still hate each other. but kunikida and dazai don’t interact with the sexual tension and romantic double entendre that dazai and chuuya have. for me as an author, that would be a perfect comparative technique to highlight dazai and chuuya’s nature as something more than just a running joke of  “every partner dazai has hates him”. in fact, if that even were a running joke you would know, because bsd loves to play up running jokes. but both of dazai’s partners hating him isnt meant as a joke, it’s meant as a point. literally dazai and kunikida and dazai and chuuya could have had a much more similar dynamic, with minimal differences but not so many/so dramatic in order to create a strong, bsd-style running gag and also a platonic dynamic between them. but by having kunikida hate dazai it literally stands as a comparative point against how chuuya hates him - because chuuya doesnt hate dazai in the same way kunikida does.

kunikida’s frustration with dazai is definitely more of a gag on the comparison between kunikida’s and dazai’s work ethic and personalities. chuuya’s frustration is constantly played down with the numerous times chuuya actually seeks out dazai’s affection AND is concerned for his wellbeing:

like idk if u know abt the whole sheep backstory with chuuya…but it would be perfectly reasonable to write chuuya as absolutely despising dazai. chuuya’s forced partnership with dazai is a representation of everything the port mafia did to him and his friends with sheep. yet chuuya is written as seeking out dazai’s positive attention and checking he’s okay? and this scene isnt about the port mafia and the agency - it’s about chuuya and dazai. oh, and again, some more comparison - akutagawa seeks out dazai’s positive attention, but it’s pointedly different from the way chuuya seeks it out. with chuuya it seems more about a comment on the complexity of how he feels not about dazai (as akutagawa does) but how he feels towards dazai (if you get what i mean??). akutagawa’s need for dazai to validate him is a primary motivator in the plot and in his character. compared to this, plus comparing the way kunikida and dazai interact in battle, slipping in the way chuuya and dazai express concern for each other when they interact in battle is….interesting. the warmest port mafia executive to dazai other than chuuya is kouyou, and that’s only because she is entrusting him with her surrogate daughter’s life - another primary plot point. compared to all this, it seems…somewhat domestic and pointless to have these little moments. 

-

my final main argument for canon skk underlying romance coding is some of the visual “double entendre”. while dazai and chuuya havent exactly ever said or done anything explicitly romantic (such as kiss, admit explicit romantic feelings for each other, etc), a lot of the visual coding and the dialogue (particularly in the anime) is…pretty easy to interpret as romantic and sexual. i mean:

(dont mind the subtitles for this first one, what matters is the imagery)

(double entendre - how often do you use this in fiction outside of lovers quiffs?)

(like it isnt every day you see two anime dudes between each others legs lol)

(double entendre in this line) (also dazai doesn’t “reunite” with any other port mafioso. except maybe akutagawa, who has a dynamic just as complex but much less…”angry lover” dynamic and reunion with dazai. oh yeah. another comparison.)

like im just putting this entire scene from dead apple because it was so heavily visually romantically and sexually double entendre…like again. if one of them was a girl. dead apple is…a lot.

(also sorry for shitty quality on some of the images)

anyway some of this i know sounds like a reach but it’s honestly me just theorising from my own perspective as an author! this show is v complex and well-written, and so far there havent rly been any bits that are just…on accident?? everything is very purposeful. and a lot of the ways that kafka asagiri writes dazai and chuuya’s dynamic, dialogue, interactions, etc, are very much real writing techniques that i would use to write in a romantic pairing, especially a same-sex romantic pairing that i might not be able to be too explicit about and have to find ways to get around that. like im obvsly not saying that this is all canon and real and ive found a way into asagiri’s head, but ive just…noticed a lot of things and i think they arent rly…discussed too much in the bsd fandom?? which is disappointing cos soukoku is a rly well written and complex relationship and pairing that needs more meta!

[batsysims]

didnt wanna do an actual Simself Edit™ so have an arrested development reference

anyways

i was tagged by @0cherub & i tag any1 who hasnt done this yet bc who doesnt like answering 125 questions abt themselves oh also @flavortowne im forcing you to do this sry

get to know me tag

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

3. BIRTHDAY? september 15

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES?  what?? are books

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye both

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? ummmm idk lmfao i havent “read” a “book”” in like 5 years 

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? 35 & 36 on sirius are like basically the exact same station but that doesnt mean i dont constantly alternate between the two whenever im near a radio

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? pink is a v trustworthy flavor

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? *owen wilson voice* wrow

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? what kinda question is this wt f ive currently reobsessed myself w marina and the diamonds so honestly any of her discography

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? idk any words :^/ sry

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? wheels on the bus im exhausted

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? man in the high castle. man in the high castle. man in the high ca

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? clerks al;dksfjf

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? almost exclusively sims and fallout but every once in a while some indie game i find on steam so. yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? never doing anything in my life and having nothing 2 look forward to!! yay

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? probably my resiliency, maybe?? idk

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my habit of allowing bad things to happen to me lol

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? cats but im sorta kinda indifferent 2 both i think i might 1 of the 5 ppl on earth who dont like having pets

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer and fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yea

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? not being lazy lmfao

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? @flavortowne eye emoji

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? its natural brown but im thinkn abt going either red or blonde again

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? like 3 ppl irl and everyone on discord u guys legit

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my person and @flavortowne eye emoji

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? tom hardy. what is his end goal

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? tbh going 2 basic lmfao im!! lame

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? as of right now,, spiderverse lol

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? teletubbies was fckn legit and so was old school spongebob

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my person

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? im not superstitious,,, but i am a little stitious

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? i cant deal w fishing poles idk

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? in front babey

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims or stitching play foods 4 the kid to use on her play kitchen

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? stop asking book questions

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? spiderverse yeye

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? piano & i try 2 pretend i know what im doing w a ukulele

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? stingrays :^)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? legit all my mutuals

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? i had an oc that could read ppls memories like a scrapbook if he touched them and i always honestly thought that was. cool

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my house!! the door b locked bitch!!!!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? toddler being an idiot toddler

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY?  its not really,, a sport,, but i bike

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? cream soda in those glass bottles is top tier non-alcoholic beverage

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? i wrote a letter 2 my person telling him he was an idiot and by the time it was mailed 2 his house i was already living there lol

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? either ppl blowing vape in my face or holding something so close to my face i cant see i just go ballistic

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nope unless u count a sesame street liveshow like 10 years ago

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? nope!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cop lmfao

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? this is horrible but the setting of new vegas i just feel like id be at home there, w the radiation and constant danger and dehydration

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? the kid

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? only when im looking in the mirror adlkfj start thinkn abt a different face showing up instead of mine idk

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yea

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? skipped a whole year adlfkj

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? this is basic but i miss the tri-state area

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? this is basic but i miss nj

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yea :^/ a dog, a cat, and uhhhh 14 fish

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but honestly im just always tired

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsettttt

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? i do

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones. they just work

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah but i need em

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? i listen to everything tbh

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? michael cera

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? i used to read them religiously but not so much any more. i am reading the TAZ graphic novel tho

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? having to repeat myself 20 times. or being an idiot when i wanna start a new hobby

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? idk how to read

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? honestly i had a blast in econ and my law enforcement class

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? a bro, another sibling, and a half-bro

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? food lmfao

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? every time i measure myself im 5′2″ but the government insists that i am 5′3″ so w/e

75. CAN YOU COOK? yeap

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? alcohol, bike riding, wearing stupid makeup

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? ppl holding me back, bird box, when my nail breaks before i can file it so its all oglee

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uh idk?? i dont have,, many,,,, friends

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? bi

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? sc :’^(

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my brother

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 nights ago the kid pistol whipped me in the chin w her phone and it just hurt so bad it legit made me lose it

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? ok this is dumb as shit the kid is obsessed w Blippi and i have a mom crush on him afdslfkjs

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? ye

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? i am currently obsessed w L.O.L. Surprise! Pop but all in all probs Pocket Camp

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? bad as parents but theyre fine now that im an adult and they have a grandkid they can like

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? i dont like a majority of them lmfao but idk maybe uh?? irish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? rly wanna go to nevada but im moving to the mojave soon anyways so

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 15

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? i was raised christian but i dont rly give a shit abt any of that

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? outer space my dood the ocean is dumb and scary

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im jus livin my life

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? i mean. im lactose intolerant but thats abt it

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nope

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? no

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when im wrong abt something

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest ig bad choices

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? i dont think i was ever given advice, ever. maybe thats why im like this

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? idk i try not 2 lie unless its like. an obvious exaggeration for the lols

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? wtf idk ok i just did one of those quizzes & im a slytherin?? what does that mean

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? yeah

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? more of an introvert but im ok w going out there if i gotta

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? i keep one for the kid but thats abt it

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? nah. unless it was something stupid like burning food like im not gonna ban u from the kitchen

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? if theres an id i guess mail it 2 the address on there?? idk ive never just. found a wallet. i think this happens a lot less than all the hypotheticals make it out to be

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? if theyre dedicated to it. i dont think ppl can just do it over night and i dont think its ever a 100% change

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? dont touch me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yep

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? 2 in both ears but thats it

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? spidr...mna

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? no :^( once im cleared for them tho deffo

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? i hate that this is the answer but enlisting adlfkjs

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yeah ig??

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? 2 late

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? we all b stupit

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? idk?? i get embarrassed but also get over it quick so like. idk

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? yea

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black & red

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? mhm

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? i was on nickelodeon back when they had those cuts to the Live Studio Audience™

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 21

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i almost never eat anything sweet

[puchiyaa-blog]

/Assassination Classroom/

Sup, guys! This is my first review in this app, and it is about an anime series called “Assassiation Classroom”. This is for the people who havent wached it yet, and is curious about peoples opinions for further information. Also for the ones who already watched it and just wants peoples pov.

• Ill break this review part by part, so I'd like to start with the synopsis for people with no idea on what it is about:

“Earth is threatened by an enormously powerful monster who apparently destroyed 70% of the Moon, leaving it permanently shaped like a crescent. The monster claims that within a year he will destroy the planet, but he offers mankind a chance to avert this fate. In class 3-E, the End Class of Kunugigaoka Junior High School, he starts working as a homeroom teacher where he teaches his students regular subjects, as well as the ways of assassination. The Japanese government promises a reward of ¥10 billion (i.e. 100 million USD) to whoever among the students succeeds in killing the monster, whom they have named "Koro-sensei". However, this proves to be an almost impossible task, as not only does he have several superpowers at his disposal, including the capacity of moving at Mach 20, but he is also the best teacher they've ever had, helping them to improve their grades, individual skills, and perspectives for the future.”

• Yeah, I had to cut it cause the rest was too long (by Wikipedia btw). But that is enough to give you the idea of the series. Here is my opinion:

When I am about to watch a series, there are two things I look forward to -- character development (not by age or physical factors) and chemistry between the characters (it doesnt have to be romance).

Since the anime was bundled with comedy and mostly action, I honestly didnt expect such chemistry and development between each of them. I also thought they'd only focus on Nagisa, Karma and Koro Sensei since its like that to most the series' I watch (only focuses on the main's aspects). But HELL NO.

By character development, It really did ALL of them (one I can recall is also “Kuroko no Basuke”). They improve individually and work as a whole. They get a fair amount of screening time, well, more than fair actually. Though Nagisa is the main character, the series also compliments each of them (such as the past, their personality, individual skills, etc) including the villians (they even develop and become more likable) which will bring you closer to the character. It almost seems like they're alive.

• Next part I'll do is review the characters individually. I may have very little description and opinion about them cause I do not want to spoil anything since this is for everyone who have watched and havent. Though, I'll only talk about 3 characters -- Nagisa, Karma, Koro Sensei. Heres my review:

Nagisa

Nagisa is a strong-witted, fast learning character. And definitely a trap (almost shipped him straight with Karma lol). He's the scariest of them all, the ability to change from calm and composed to a killer attitude is insane it sends chills to the characters and viewer's spine

Hes probably my favourite of them all. He has the skill to balance and to become an assassin cause of his dangerous aura and the fact that he can pick up any methods quickly. He fights without hesitation and fear no matter the size and gap between his opponents.

~

Karma

Yeah, hes hot, I'll admit. But aside that, hes the most mischevious among the class. He does not discriminate the victims he pick. He can be mischevious to anyone including the class, Koro Sensei and also applies to enemies he fight with.

In character development (in the class), he would be my most favorite. At first, he looks down on others and overestimates himself in dealing with people. But with gradual life lessons and teachings from Koro Sensei, it transitioned to him keeping pace with everyone and not under/overestimating anyone he fights or deal with. He fights with equal thinking and wit (but hes still mischevious lmao).

~

Koro Sensei

Koro Sensei is a monster-octopus (I dont know anymore XD) with the speed of Mach 20 and skill of an actual boss. I have so much to say but I need to limit myself cause of spoilers.

I thought he would be an arrogant teacher that looks down on his students and challenges them to kill him. But it seemed to be the other way around. Yeah, he assassinates back then, but he still has a heart and gave earth a chance by letting mostly Class E kill him (the reason why he chose to teach that class will remain anonymous in this review due to spoilers). By letting the students kill him, it improves their physical abilitites as he also teaches them their individual skill and improves overall mindset and personality. Hes pretty wise its incredible.

~

I hope this helps at least a little bit :v

-puchiyaa

[ferduh]

i forgot i still had a blog ngl bgjgjfbd if yall want a quick update of whats going on in my life rn??? here it is:

• got my first full-time job recently and im lovin it!!!!!

• i got my first tattoo the other day!!!

• i was involuntarily admitted to the mental health ward of the hospital back in june after attempting to od and it sucked but im glad im fuckin alive still

• started on zoloft and her and i are fucking best friends now i love her

• my mans broke up w me shortly after i attempted (for v good, valid reasons that were v much my fault) and since then ive just been focusing on myself and my healing and im happier than ive been in months !!!! we r still on good terms and talk almost everyday n im v blessed to still have him in my life

• i attempted like a week before exams started sooo i got medical exemption from writing all 4 of my exams 😅 the not-having-to-stress over studying was lovely but i was one credit short from graduating so 💀💀 im going back for another semester of hs to get my diploma/get my grades higher so that i can actually go to uni next year lol

• i havent self harmed in 28 days !!

• i feel mentally 1000000x better every single day than i did the last, and am really gd proud of myself for putting in the effort to recover and heal and learn how to love myself and control my insecurities all on my own instead of being dependent on my ex or my friends for validation and self-worth

• tyler bozak and matt martin being traded made me cry tears of joy

• however i havent been invested in hockey,,,,, like, at all, if u cant tell gmvnghdhc now that im not playing it anymore ive just lost interest?? ill play hs hockey next year and probably houseleague so i might get reeled back in but ive just got sm other shit im interested in/focused on these past few months 🤷🏼‍♀️

• the hockey playing next year totally depends on smthn health-related... 😗 gonna know within the next couple weeks whether or not itll be a problem, but its nothing thats confirmed yet so i dont wanna be specific in case its just nothing 😅😅😅 we'll see mfjjggshm

• here are some pics of me enjoying Life and being happy im still Alive n shit:

love u all hope u guys r doing well!!!! i have no idea whats gonna happen w this blog in the future but ?¿? i might be on here a little more often who knows (not me!!)

[somewheretoputmydirt]

I know nothing about cyberpunk, I'm not a fan I just saw some of RTgame playing it and the chair made horny brain go 👀 so

V slid into the chair easily, leaning back into the familiar device as he mentally prepared to have his augments tapped into. Victor, he supposed he was like his doctor, placed himself down on the stool next to the chair, tapping away at a few things to prepare the process with a confident smile and movements that showed he'd done this a million times before.

"Jacking in" he warned before he expertly yet gently pulled the jack over and into the port to his brain. After a short bit of dizziness V's vision switched to a veiw of all the augments to his body and those he could change and update. He chuckled to himself at a passing throught and selected some augments for his arms.

"What's so funny?" Victor asked, his voice making V jump a little as he couldn't see him for the screen over his vision.

"Nothing" V tried to shrug but felt he couldn't as the feeling and movement in his arms had been shut off so the changes could be made. He blinked away the screen to look at Vic and see what was happening. "Just thinking about how weird it is that you just plug into my brain and see everything, do anything with some wires and a chair. I do so much crazy shit normally but right now I'm litterally helpless, look, I can't even move my fingers." V looked down at his hands, seeing round arches with little arms around his wrists, poking and prodding and changing things as he made an effort to move his fingers regardless. Victor snorted as he reached over and pressed down a finger for him, emphasising not only V's helplessness but how much more control he held. "Well it's not just the chair and some wires, it's the computer." Vic reached over and Patted the computer like an old friend. "This being plugged directly into your brain can do anything. I can pause the procedure like this" with a tap the little arms paused, leaving V with still paralysed arms "and I can turn on, off, up any feeling anywhere you have in your body. It only works when you're plugged in though, I can't turn off your pain forever which is something I've been asked before." V looked at him unbelieving before they shared a laugh

"So wait, any feeling up or down? What do you mean by that? Like emotion?" V probed, now curious and taking any excuse to talk to Victor. He'd become quite interested in the man and his work recently and since he was one of the few people he trusted no matter what he'd become quite invested in his friend. Victor seemed happy to answer at least "Well that too, though that's more complex, what I meant was the amount you feel, the sensitivity in a way. Take....your leg for example." He gestured to V's left leg, the one closest to him "if I do this-" a few taps on Vics keyboard and V's whole leg went almost numb "it turns the feeling down" and he rubbed his hand over his thy to demonstraight and V pushed down the thought of how intimate that would be if he could feel it. "Buut If I do this" with a few more taps the feeling in his leg came back tenfold and V found himself a little uncomfortable in his own pants for how intense the feeling of the fabric was around his legs "it turns the feeling up, see?" And like before he rubbed his hand along V's thy.

Except this time his hand drifted a little more inward, the intensity of the feeling was practically maxed out and V could only jolt and let out an embaressing sound that was almost a moan out as the feeling shot though his body and into his crotch like electricity. Victor quickly moved his hand away and up in a defensive position however his eyes watched carefully to V for his reaction.

V panted a little and forced his gaze to the ceiling. He was incredibly embaressed at his reaction, Vic was his friend, he shouldn't go moaning at just being touched! He guessed the intensity being raised made it not really his fault but it didn't help much that his mind could now only think about how hot and helpless he was, how Victor could basically control him and his reactions with a few button presses and how that really turned him on. Against his better judgement he breathed out a "shit.." but kept his gaze to the ceiling. Victor seemed to take this as a good sign and lowered his hands again.

"Intense, right? You doing okay there?" V only nodded in response, still not wanting to look directly at him for fear that Vic would see his hornyness and be weirded out. Unfortunately for him Victor, ever the doctor, moved over and gently put his hand on the back of his neck "Hey, you alright?" And moved V's face down to look at him. The gesture and the look of concern make V want to melt into his hands and he must have shown that on his face from the shift on Vic's from concern to confidence and knowing. V knew in that moment from the way his stomach flipped with warmth that he was fucked.

"Oh I see, got you a lil hot and bothered hu? Well not that I intended to but I have to admit, the look on your face is good on you, maybe you should keep it for a bit" Victor smirked and moved a hand back down his his leg, ever so lightly brushing his hand over the fabric of the inside of his leg, from the kee up ever so slowly, making V gasp and shiver as the same feelings, only slightly toned down, shook up his body. His eyes rolled back into his head and he was sure he would clench his fists if he could but as it stood his arms basically held him where he was, locked in place as to not disturb the still instruments that were supposed to be working on them. "Thats the one, man V I've seen you broken in my chair so many times and but this broken is deffinatly my favorite, I practically wanna break you myself~" the doctor purred, tracing but a finger up his leg so close to his crotch

"Fuuck! Keep talking and teasing like that and you just might-!" V gasped, he'd reason as a warning but internally he knew it was practically encouragement. He was close to begging to be broken, it had only taken a few button presses and some touches and he was writing for his friend to play with him on that very chair.

Victor seemed to get the message and pullednhis hand away, giving V a brief break.

"Perhaps, but I think you could bennifit from a few more things turning up to break you a little faster" before V could process what he meant his other leg lit up with sensitivity, followed by his dick and sourounding area. His dick was already straining against his pants at that point and now it was doubly sensitive the feeling of entrapment and almost friction was practically torture.

"Oh FUck-" V exclaimed brokenly, Victor only chuckling in response.

"Shit V, you look like I could touch you once and you'd be cumming everywhere!" V was ashamed that he let out a whine in response but Victor seemed to love it, catching V's eyes with hunger, like a predator completely in control and playing with his food, ready to pounce any second "we really need to talk about doing this again in the future, if you're okay with it of course." V nodded vigorously, he didn't think he'd been more into anything in his life and the possessive purr of "good boy" made him buck a little in his seat.

Seeming to have a little pitty on him Vic finally moved round to the front of v, placing a knee in between the space between his legs, not touching, just to lean closer and get a good position to touch V with both hands "now, if you want me to stop or slow down use the traffic light system, you know that one right?" Another nod "good, now just relax, and we'll see how quickly I can have you shaking~"

Apparently it took about a minute, Victor had started the gentle touches again at first but then it escalated to dragging the tips of his fingers up and down the insides of his thys which had V desperately moaning and bucking against the feeling, whining and moaning and trying so hard to hold onto the last of his dignity which really didn't last long as his desperation quickly grew to begging

"Please! Please please I can't take much more teasing i-AaaaAAA!!" He yelled as some fingers got so close yet so far to his crotch, practically at the connecting point between them. Victor grinned with that same look of confidence

"Wow V, I'm gonna take the fact you're breaking so easily as a compliment you know. So much and I havent even touched your skin, imagine if I was.." V did imagine and despite the fact he wasn't being touched at that second he whined and bucked again to the amusement of the other man "holy shit! You're practically adorable like this! Desperate and squirming, man I almost want to take pitty on you. Almost" V whined again, this time feeling himself start to tear up and jolting again as the fingers returned, this time a bit more aggressively, making him squirm and yell for more and less, making no words, only sound. Victors composure flickered for a moment, he looked like he wanted to dive in, bite and claim V like an animal, but he regained it in seconds, deeming this teasing more satisfying than instinctual wants and reappearing the action again. Once again V begged and this time Vicotshands drifted underneath his legs and all the way to the backed of his knees, making V's voice shift up a pitch in his yells to once he didn't know he could reach. "Now this makes me want to fuck you, I could bend you over right now and keep teasing you as I fuck you, breaking you even more. But not yet. I dont think you can handle that yet. In fact..." Victor moved his hands back onto the top of V's legs and slowly up once again "I really don't think you could handle much more of this. I think with juuust a little bit of..." one finger grazed over to V's dick and the slight touch drove him so wild he bucked into it and could only gasp, unable to make any other sound "...encouragement it won't take much longer before..." in his most wicked move yet Vic moved his head all the way down and kicked over the fabric over V's dick, almost pushing him over the edge right then and there. Victor managed to pull V's zipper down and get the head in his mouth and that was all in took for V to break. It felt like something had snapped in his head and instead of just rupturing though just his dick his orgasm shook his entire body, he screamed and his sensitive legs shook and spazmed, locking around vicotrs head at one moment, before letting go because the feeling was so much and trying to escape him while running through him at the same time. He couldn't feel anything around him, only pleasure and heat and Victor and for what felt like forever it just kept going.

Finally V slowly managed to process things again, he felt Victor move away, he felt the intensity die down to normal levels, he felt himself being zipped back up, all the while he just laid there and panted in a daze. He had his eyes closed and head tilted back, body feeling too exhausted to even try and open them.

"Wanna take a nap?" Victor offered and V only nodded wearily "okay, I'll get you a drink and a blanket yeah, just don't fall asleep before then." V tried to mumble 'no promises' I'm response but he was pretty sure it was unintelligible. Victor chuckled and sounded like he was moving to leave, only to stop, pause, and then move over to V again, pressing a gentle kiss into his forehead and squeezing his shoulder.

"Good job V. Rest well okay?".

After victor left V had a few moments of pause before he heard a different voice from Vic's somewhere else in the room

"Well, I was gonna say I wish I hadn't been here for that but actually I could stand to watch that again. He was right about the look on your face, you look like a cute little slut when you do that-"

V groaned and wished he could turn Johnny off as easily as his arms.

[sleepymouses]

ah man, so many things been going on, and mental health wise over the last year or so i’ve been Notgood and v dissociative and generally felt like i loser drowning in the void if that makes any sense idk.. just been doing a lot of drifting out, probs started as a coping mechanism, now i cant make it stop, yikers :/

anyays, quick bullet points of recent events, some awful, some not, just all significant stuff that been floating around in my head or whatever

(would probob not rec reading this, v all over the place and probs Upsetting to read outta context of being me, lol)

major family shit been going on

like stepdad of 12 years revealing himself to be the absolute scum of the universe, having an affair in all the worst ways, lying so, so much and being cruel and manipulative and shit beyond belief, some shit i’d already felt but so my mum and he are splitting up and thats been so much emotionally, mentally, and very much so financially :/

keeping my fingers crossed for that going well, my mum and brother have been thru so much already, fuck, i feel so bad and also terribly inept w comforting, never know just what to say or do, hope im not making things any worse at least (which is a v valid worry ;/ )

got into both schools i applied to, picked one somehow, worried about getting into debt

going to be moving out to a big city for that this fall, which is incredibly new and scary and exciting, i hope i’ll be ok

tbh my main worry with how i’ll do with that is the still not rlly diagnosed chronic pain in my hands/wrists that i haven felt releif in for actual years, and i honestly fucking terrifying bc what if im just pretending it’ll go away someday and my hands are actually fucked forever?

my abuser of like 10 years died a couple days ago, not sure how to feel about that, had been kind of expecting it for a while as he was old and in bad health

just mostly hoping ppl dont try and tell me to mourn him or anything, i dont think i’ll ever hate another person i knew personally as much as him, he was awful, but at least now i hope i wont have to think about him and freak out, always get nightmares when i do :/

i do intend to do a lot of important big adulting things soon, going to try and get back into therapy, for real this time, and other stuffs.

as i write this, i just got back home today after a really lovely 3wk vacation in mexico, have a house down there that we have to sell bc of all the shit going on now, which is really sad bc my mum put so much of her heart into it and making it feel like home and everything, but still it was a rlly good trip, im only sorry my stepdad ruined it all for my mum

i needed the break so bad, fuckie, like i been #dyin and feeling so awful, had mental breakdown at work right before i left, fuckin nightmare man, also with school i dont think ill be doing much anything like a vacation for a couple years at least, and even after that, who knows?

i know if i let myself think about elationships and my friendships i’ll get way depressed, feel such distance with so many people i used to feel so close to, and of course it’s my fault somehow, even admitting ive had a hard time with  life in general only seemed to make things worse, made me feel further apart, but then... they all seem to be doing so well, so realizing i really havent been missed at all doesnt make me feel very good about trying agian if that makes sense, like my self confidence been getting so notgreat that realizing so many of my convos with other ppl consist of “read” messages from myself that were never responded to, like i know if i could see this from a perspective that wasnt my own, i’d be being a dumbass of some sort, but honestly it makes me feel so awful that i cant bring my self to bother these ppl again

  who know, i dont even know if im making sense, jsut trying my best to get the chaos in my head unscrambled at least a lil, data is fuckered up so bad it makes the readings ridIculous triyng to read

idk, lot of this is probs big olde pile of garbage nonsense as is often the case when i try to organuze my thoguths, and tbh i wouldnt think much of anyhting, im like.. mostly fine, partially really great in some ways really, just..

everything’s so much, man.

[saintbrnard]

home sweet home

ok so i got home from visiting my dad just this morning and 

W O W

what a trip

in both senses of the word

so

for the last, i dunno, let’s call it like 6-7 years, my dad has been treating my step family like complete shit. not like physically abusive, but borderline emotionally. i am the only one he listens to, for like anything, and he doesnt even listen to me most of the time.

we have had a lot of arguments over nearly anything you can even think of, but im getting off track. he is very homophobic, and also he is just a jackass who doesnt have any human decency to treat the kids who are now legally under his protection like his own kids. whoo. imma calm down. 

in case you hadnt noticed, i am a gay. a gay gay. and i am also v protective and stuff, and i will throw down if somebody says something stupid. however, the potential for my dad to take my gayness to court as a parental failure from my mom and probably win custody, full custody, of me, is just too much of a risk for me (i live in the bible belt, he would probably win in court). so, for the last like 5 years, i have been putting up a facade to hide who i am, with all of the things my dad doesnt like about me hidden. i havent been able to be myself for half of the year for the last 5 years of my life. kinda rough. 

now, my dad and my stepmom apparently did this week long counseling thing and basically it made my dad realise he has been being stupid

notice

i just said he realised

now, this in and of itself is a huge step in the right direction i will admit. however, he hasnt actually shown any action to improve his treatment of my family etc

so

i am confused.

NOW

that was only one part of this trip

i was only there for a week omg 

anyways, my grandparents on my dad’s side are also a bushel of shittyness, ranging from horrible passive-aggressivity to downright bitchiness. 

my grandpa was visiting for this trip

and he is just

he is just not a good person. 

so, along with having to deal with my dad and my grandma like i normally do, i also had to deal with him.

it was very exciting.

but on thanksgiving i had really fucking tasty mashed potatoes. 

so yeah.

anyway, that was my really long rant, and i am finally home so that is good.

i hope you have a great day/night!

[yumikoflare]

wowie this is a loooong meme - thanks for the tag @wildricebear more like wild loser bear...........

Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people. (putting it under the cut bc it’s 100+ questions!)

1. What is your nickname? i go by yumi! my rl nickname has the same amount of letters 🤔

2. What is your zodiac sign? aqua sun / scorp moon

3. What is your favorite book series? not gonna lie i havent read any book series in a looong time but my fav manga series is fukigen na mononokean!

4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? ofc, i believe in both!

5. Who is your favorite author? errr i honestly don’t have one ahaha but sunrisesongs has some reaaaally nice poetry if that counts

6. What is your current favorite song? rn i’m a huuuge fan of kenshi yonezu’s suna no wakusei, namely the soramafu cover!

7. What is your favorite word? uhh don’t have one.. but the word ‘warmth’ has always struck a chord in me?

8. What was the last song you listened to? i think it was ra ra rasputin b/c someone at band was playing it on his phone LOL

9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? i don’t watch tv oops  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ can’t think of anime recs either smhhh

10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? i don’t watch movies if i’m feeling down but i remember enjoying the intern?

11. Do you play video games? mmm a little bit.. i play overwatch and sometimes osu and ive played a couple of mmorpgs here and there 

12. What is your biggest fear? losing my purpose and passion

13. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i’m a good friend! i think that counts

14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my lack of patience and intolerance to trials

15. What is your favorite season? winter!!!!!!

16. Are you in a relationship? nah

17. What is something you miss from your childhood? honestly? i don’t miss much in particular from my childhood other than that Sweet Naive Bliss™ because things have been getting better in my life since then so

18. Who is your best friend? nizh, swirl, mari, gil, noah, sam, laura, kayla come to mind

19. What is your eye color? dark brown

20. What is your hair color? dark brown

21. Who is someone you love? all my friends...........

22. Who is someone you trust? the friends i listed earlier!!!

23. Who is someone you think about often? honestly as of recently myself bc im working on bettering myself LOL but other than that, i think of noah kinda often?

24. Are you currently excited about/for something? uuuuhhhh not particularly

25. What is your biggest obsession? currently overwatch

26. What was your favorite TV show as a child? probably spongebob aldsakdsla

27. Do you have any unusual phobias? mmmmmm not sure but my anxiety makes a lot of small things scary so

28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? both!!!!

29. What is your favorite hobby? honestly not sure... i like writing but recently i’ve been very into photo and video editing so!!!

30. What was the last book you read? probably the hiding place

31. What was the last movie you watched? goosebumps i think? watched it at home w/ my mom bc she hadnt seen it before

32. What musical instruments do you play, if any? [[[the sound of me, panicked, aggressively slamming my mallets into a timpani can be heard in the distance]]]

33. What is your favorite animal? dogs.... i love dogs

34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? hm i rly like yamiiino, kaiami, tofuvi, star-plasma, and zandraart!

35. What superpower do you wish you had? healing factor!!!

36. When and where do you feel most at peace? idk, whenever really, surrounded in my closest friends; either that or doing something i love alone

37. What makes you smile? my friends...... also getting praised......

38. What sports do you play, if any? FUNNY JOKE i cant sports

39. What is your favorite drink? hell....... i love lots of different types of teas (black, green, jasmine, honey, etc) and im also a sucker for matcha... and i also like ice blended drinks... and (virgin bc im underage) mojitos.... and smoothies.......... fdgkjkdf i love drinks a lot ok

40. Are you afraid of heights? yes 10000%

41. What is your biggest pet peeve? close-mindedness and intolerance to other ppl/ideas/etc + having to waste resources

42. Have you ever been to a concert? only one! was a mayday parade concert earlier this year

43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? like everything LOL a singer and an author were prob my biggest ones tho

44. What fictional world would you like to live in? HONESTLY the fukigen na mononokean world would be cool to live in... 

45. What is something you worry about? i simultaneously really like and dread band asdlsakdas

46. Are you scared of the dark? yup orz

47. Do you like to sing? heck yea!!!! singing is so good.....

48. Have you ever skipped school? no bc im a goody two-shoes™ 

49. What is your favorite place on the planet? i dunno! i don’t have one! the world’s so big there’s so many places i still have yet to go!!!

50. Where would you like to live? honestly idk i’m happy with where i am now LOL

51. Do you have any pets? i wish......... i want a doggo so bad but my sister and i are allergic

52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? i don’t feel like either but i’m closer to a night owl

53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? both..... the sky is a goddess and im in love with her.....

54. Do you know how to drive? i’m an anxious minor who is too afraid to get near the wheel LOL

55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones bc earbuds always fall outta my ears and its a Pain

56. Have you ever had braces? nope B)

57. What is your favorite genre of music? ummmmm i don’t have a fav bc i’m kinda flexible but i like alt rock? and j-rock/j-pop?

58. Who is your hero? to be completely honest idk if i have one LOL im my own hero™ B))))

59. Do you read comic books? nah

60. What makes you the most angry? probably the same as #41 as well as like myself?? bc i get frustrated with myself v often and that concept makes me angry asdsa;ldas

61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? nizh wrote “i like real books but i’m so lazy that i’m more likely to read digital” and i am in agreement

62. What is your favorite subject in school? errrrrrrrr i suppose la? but i’m abt to enter some new classes and learn under totally new teachers so idk it’s bound to change!

63. Do you have any siblings? ye, one older sister

64. What was the last thing you bought? a flowy cardigan from yesterday!!!! im lov it.... i might post a pic of it

65. How tall are you? 5′1′’ and 3/8 sdfkjsdijeiwjeje

66. Can you cook? yo i wish..................

67. What are three things that you love? my friends, music, food/drinks LOL

68. What are three things that you hate? same as #41 and a third thing would prob be conflict?? idk

69. What is your sexual orientation? as far as i know i experience no sexual attraction (asexual) and i experience romantic attraction to anyone and everyone (panromantic) so!

70. Where do you currently live? socal

71. Who was the last person you texted? probably nizh

72. When was the last time you cried? mmmm maybe a week or two ago... i cant recall exactly when so thats good

73. Who is your favorite YouTuber? oooohhh.. im super mainstream but i love arikadou LOL also zylbrad, seagull, and etika

74. Do you like to take selfies? i do! i usually only take selfies like every once in awhile when im feeling cute and when i do i take A Lot

75. What is your favorite app? i lov line camera?? also google photos makes things mucho convenient

76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? tbh i find my relationship with my parents to be closer than a lot of my friends’ so :0

77. What is your favorite foreign accent? i dunno! french accents are pretty cool

78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? japan! also the philippines

79. What is your favorite number? idk but i like 5 and 8

80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? both freak me out but the ocean is pretty interesting

81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? not in the slightest LOLOL

82. Are you allergic to anything? intolerant to eggs, pretty allergic to any type of nuts so that sucks, n i got those Seasonal Allergies

83. Can you wiggle your ears? NO I HAVENT READ HARRY POTTER

84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? umm idk how often LOL whenever i think im wrong..?? which is somewhat frequently?

85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forests are lovely

86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? honestly idk......... i remember my dad said smth about how you don’t always have to forgive everyone and by saying ‘it’s okay’ permits the other person to repeat the same action, so i choose my words rly carefully now bc of that :o

87. Are you a good liar? kinda half n half... depends on what i’m lying abt

88. What is your Hogwarts House? iiiiii forgot but it was either ravenclaw or hufflepuff... mightve been the former

89. Do you talk to yourself? YEAH especially when i’m practicing music or video editing

90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert

91. Do you keep a journal/diary? as of very recently yes bc my therapist recommended me to do so :0

92. Do you believe in second chances? usually in most circumstances

93. Do you believe that people are capable of change? oh yeah definitely, anyone is capable of change, it just depends on their attitude towards it

94. Are you ticklish? yes i hate it

95. Have you ever been on a plane? yep, to san francisco and sacramento and i guess once to texas but that was before i could remember so

96. Do you have any piercings? nope and i don’t rly want any tbh

97. What fictional character do you wish was real? i have nooo idea there’s a lot of thought i’d have to put into this question LOL

98. Do you have any tattoos? nah but if i did they’d be veeeery simplistic

99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? probably when i decided 1-2 years ago that i wanted to get my life back on track so i could become a person i could love and ive been making progress little by little ever since then

100. Do you believe in karma? mmmmm not reaaallyyyy..... like maybe a little bit but

101. Do you wear glasses or contacts? its ya girl almost legally blind and wearing contacts

102. Do you want children? not sure yet but probably

103. Who is the smartest person you know? no clue omg there are lots of smart ppl in this world

104. What is your most embarrassing memory? sometime in grade school i was sitting at the edge of a playground slide pleading for my friend not to push me down bc i rly had to pee but she did and i literally just pissed all over the slide and we just stared at each other for a long time and that was just........ Very Bad - I HAVE ANOTHER BAD MEMORY THOUGH it wasnt even long ago kill me??? i was at my friend’s house for dinner and her parents asked what my sister was studying and my sister just recently got into college and i had a veeeeeeeery vague grasp on what she was studying so i literally said ‘food and tectonics’ and i wanNA MCDIE BC I MEANT DIETETICS NOT T E C T O N I C S

105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? mmm not a real one.. most ive done is stayed up til 6amish with nizh before goin to sleep  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ like i’m definitely capable of doing it i just don’t want to

106. What color are most of your clothes? dunno? i have a fairly colorful wardrobe but i almost always wear something w/ black if i’m not going for an all light outfit

107. Do you like adventures? depends on where to bc im very cautious LOL

108. Have you ever been on TV? nope

109. How old are you? how old is ur moM!! dab dab haha xd

110. What is your favorite quote? one of my favs is “there are no happy endings, endings are the saddest part, so just give me a happy middle and a very happy start” by shel silverstein; i have a few others but thats the first that comes to mind

111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory tbhhhh

112. Have your friends ever badly disapponted you? umm not badly but ive been mildly disappointed by a few LOL

113. What is your favorite scent? that clean/fresh linen smell?? and also lavender and then light stuff like eucalyptus mint

114. Random fact you know? the duck-billed platypus can’t keep its eyes open underwater, so it finds its prey by using sensors in its bill that detect electrical impulses n then they strike! theyre pretty cool animals..

115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? nizh said “hard. just, really hard. not sure if it’s worth it” and i also agree

IT IS OVER wow ok 20 ppl is kind of a lot and this is a loooot of questions so im only gonna tag a tiny bit of ppl (dont have to do it if u dont wanna!): @dunmerhealer | @aftertaste-of-memes | @inspiringnokias yeah that’s it LOL this is just Hella Long so idk how many ppl would be up for doin this so ye  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[juushika]

Homestuck liveblog part 3: Vriska, Terezi, and characterization; “let me tell you about homestuck” is “let me explain quadrants”; Karkat/Karkat OTP

me: You know sollux is pretty great tho Canon mental health issues Can see vision of his own death Generally a seer but with like a lot of angst and bodily suffering “I’ll copy/paste less now that the typing quirks are insane,” I said, like a big liar http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003985

TA: ii al2o talk two you becau2e iin ca2e you havent notiiced ii de2pii2e my2elf and perpetually 2eek two dupliicate through emotiional paiin the cacophony of phy2iical paiin my hiideou2 mutant braiin cau2e2 me every day.

Sollux is pretty great

Missy: hah i read like.. 4/5 words some i just go.. meh fuck it

me: Sometimes the trolls will find each other’s typing quirks confusing Which functions both to normalize some of the text for the viewer And to be like lol we know this is ridiculous I appreciate the meta When one troll will repeat what another troll says but with different typing quirks

me: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003986 Sollux to karkat: 

TA: the only thiing youre good at ii2 yelliing and makiing huge mii2take2.

Same tho

me: Nopeeeeee time to meet vriska Preemptive feels Abort abort The way that she engages interpersonal relationships reminds me too much of myself Especially with tavros??? Who is a small angel which better nature dictates we must protect at all costs Which spoiler is not what happens!!

me: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004078

 AG: Can I join your team? CG: YES I’M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED. CG: YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT OF A JAM BY STEPPING FORWARD. AG: Vile 8acksta88ing sociopath? Karkat, did you copy and p8ste that phrase directly from your personal ad descri8ing what you are looking for in a lady?

CG: BECOMING FRIENDS, WHAT THE FUCK. CG: WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS, MORON. AG: Not even h8 friends? CG: NO. MORE LIKE TWITCHY EYED PROJECTILE VOMITING IN UTTER DISGUST FRIENDS, WHILE I PERFORATE MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK. AG: Yessssssss. I’ll take it! CG: GET LOST. 

Vriska makes me!!! uncomfortable!!! What’s particularly interesting here is that karkat is super obsessed with quadrants which is how trolls conceptualize their interpersonal relationships And they have a dark side to the quadrants which are animosity-fueled relationships So he is actually in desperate search of hate friends So in his own way the answer is yes He said that he is also really bad at communicating his wants with other people but also with himself, he’s very bad at honesty and self-knowledge So the answer is also no And also yes My babies

Missy: Can I just hate hate the stupid drivers? [from longer story about being stuck in traffic QQ] No friends?

me: Yes that is allowed It probably won’t be this personality- and life path-defining interaction Like it is for trolls But that’s probably a good thing

Missy: I remember you like karkat and want to be vriska From long ago* But that all i remember

me: Vriska is very black romantic inclined Also approximately a sociopath, hurts people a lot…really cruel And then I’m like oh my God is this dream-me Well, that bodes well

Missy: Yes that See

* chatlog from 2011 (!!!!), which is what Missy remembered from long ago:

me: it's a few things [which make me feel uncomfortable about identifying with Vriska] it's 1) a different set of morality than yours (general you) I sympathize with that it's similar to but not quite amorality which I think we all have that inside but because I hate people mine is pretty pronounced so I understand hers but the 2) is harder to phrase it's sorta Ayn Randian to be honest she's selfish, and violent, and really just a murderous monster, but that interior morality doesn't just justify it to her, it makes the issue moot you don't need to justify what you know to be innately correct, even if others don't see it your way BUT she has second thoughts because her interior morality/rules are not as fixed or indeed as ... countercultural [or even cultural] as she thinks in fact in being so secure in them and the belief that they don't need to be justified is actually her being ... defensive and for good cause, and she’s partially in the right but not to the extent she's arguing she is so like killing and hurting people as a form of self-expression is not innately bad, except that it is and where am I going with this... I understand the conflict between "my rules are different, which is okay" and "my rules contradict yours, which is problematic"

Missy: i sorta get it. except with that i don't read homestuck so this is all theoretical and without context

me: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004120

“It should be noted that in troll language, the word for friend is exactly the same as the word for enemy.”

Equius is…. So weird…. I’ve never known what to do with this character

Missy: ?

me: God it’s just a lot of tealdeer, uh Trolls have a caste system based on blood color which is sort of outdated but still carries social prejudices he’s really obsessed with it but sort of embodies the obsession via what amounts to fetishes and d/s dynamics Which are intentionally played to be embarrassing for the reader So it’s like this interesting aspect of troll culture combined with embarrassment squick and just I never know what to do with it He’s not an attractive character Profoundly not He also wants to roleplay being bossed around by higher castes No homo And he’s a furry Still no homo!!!! He makes me Uncomfortable

me: equius is SO CONFUSING i am so confused also i remember why i never latched on to terezi in the long run her character … re … development…. by which I mean that when we flash back to the troll origin stories her characterization is less consistent she’s actually super justice-y it’s just that troll justice/legal system is super tyrannical and violent and doesn’t mesh well with humans, so it came across v murdertime from human PoV but i legit think her earlier dialog doesn’t adequately reflect that distinction and so her character (retroactive) development is still inconsistent i think i remember her flying off the handle in later acts tho and becoming murder so we’ll see [future Juu: nope this did not pan out; my earlier argument stands] http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Terezi_Pyrope

Terezi can be civil, flirty, manipulative, and derisive in her interactions. Her drive for justice results in some callous and cruel actions, the majority of which she has been shown to be deeply affected by and regret later on.

yeah i… like that balance: deeply regret the doing of what one must because one can but i much prefer earlier characterization of just “because one can” i really--like, as much as hussie has everything pre-written in his head i really think her characterization is uneven and just sort of….unwrites earlier (publication order not internal chronology) interactions like HEY DAVE WHAT DOES YOUR BLOOD TASTE LIKE or when she tricked john into killing himself and destroying the entire game session (which is “punishment for jack noir/the way the kids play their session” but there’s nooooooooo indication of that in dialog i srsly think it’s just retconned if it’s explained at all) yeah wiki really doesn’t have good explanation for the murdering john thing b/c it’s inconsistent so there, homestuck! p.s. earlier terezi was better but i guess vriska makes her redundant since she does just murder for murder’s sake that said vriska doing the murder is why she and terezi stop being frand, which seems like just poor writing/further (retroactive) character development

me: Time travel (from troll relative perspective) had begun!! You know what that means Time for karkat to realize his true potential to hate himself

Missy: Time for your feels you mean (Pt 8383939/8382962882)

me: He is leaving memos to his past/future self!!! I love him So much Like no exaggeration Top 10 fav

http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004447

CCG: FUTURE ME, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE WEIGH IN ON THIS, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. CCG: IF I WERE FUTURE ME, WHICH I GUESS I AM, I WOULD READ THIS AND BE ALL OVER IT, LIKE DAMMIT KARKAT WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING. CCG: GET TO THE POINT. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 0:20 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: YEAH PRETTY MUCH. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.

http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004467

FCG: OH GOD, NOW I’M ARGUING WITH CURRENT ME. FCG: I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE I WAS DOING IT, THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP. FCG: I’VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER.

I love!!!! Karkat as everyone’s fucking romance councilor is.. it’s so good….. Like He is so obsessed with romance, so actually a great person to go to for advice about it, and actually surprisingly emotionally accessible when he wants to be Except where the relationships involve him Even in pale romances aka what we think of as friendship or animosity Then he gets over-performative or defensive or just locked up He really values and understands these things but is unable to access them Instead, and I know I’ve written about this before but, his most meaningful and complex and intimate and antagonistic relationship Is with Himself I love him so much and like the weird narrative techniques of HS are what make this possible, they’re not just gimmicks, they’re ways of exploring something unique but identifiable further http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004467

FCG: NOT THAT I EXPECT YOU TO GIVE A SHIT BUT PERSONALLY I AM ALL TWISTED UP ABOUT BLACKROM STUFF ESPECIALLY. FCG: HONESTLY I DON’T THINK I WAS CUT OUT TO HAVE A KISMESIS, I THINK MY STANDARDS ARE WAY TOO HIGH. FCG: DID YOU KNOW THAT… FCG: THIS FEELS SO INSANE TO ADMIT, BUT FCG: OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ADVENTURE, AT TIMES I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO SUSPECT I WAS MY OWN KISMESIS. FCG: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT??? 

¡!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!! Kismesis is uh black romantic arch nemesis with sexual intimacy

http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Quadrants

in other words, kismesissitude seems to be based on a mix of hatred and sexual attraction. As it thrives on a rivalry between two trolls, defeating or killing your kismesis is discouraged, since obviously there wouldn’t be a relationship anymore. However, despite the stronger hatred aspect of the relationship, in order for a kismesis to last there must be some level of respect between the those persons involved; the tension in kismesissitude relies not only on hatred and annoyance of ones more irksome aspects, but also a level of admiration for their more positive aspects

even more http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004467

FCG: BUT OBVIOUSLY ITS NOT TRUE, I NEVER EVEN DID ANY LEGIT TIME TRAVELING WHERE I COULD MEET MYSELF, I JUST BICKERED WITH PAST AND FUTURE GHOSTS ON A CHAT CLIENT. FCG: FITTING REALLY. EVERY CALIGINOUS ADVERSARY I’VE CONTEMPLATED HAS ELUDED ME LIKE A PHANTOM, EVEN MYSELF!

Legit my fav… interaction…. Thing… Of all time

me: problems with terezi 1) that “when i became a visible character” altered characterization 2) the flushed relationship with karkat it starts offscreen as a noodle incident … thing their interactions after that are good--like, silly, but i can accept them but what sparked the start of the relationship? the soonest we see is when she violates his privacy to find out the color of his blood, which … has class-connotations for trolls, also violent connotations even tho it was a non-violent act, but basically it’s a … like it reads as blackrom, then whips around to a cutsey redrom the way trolls initially feel about each other (& humans) vs how their relationships develop/want vs need/the general emotional maturation occurring within their complex social system is super neato but sometimes what hussie ships doesn’t …. make sense?? in the sense of making a cogent arc for either/any involved character and/or has problematic repercussions specifically within human social constructs, like “i physically abused you to the point of paralysis b/c i liked you” aka vriska who ends up in redrom relationship with tavros??????? (briefly!) like they have An Energy but the “hitting as sign of embarrassed affection x10000” is not a SUPER great thing to depict (inverted a bit b/c vriska is female so it isn’t just straight-up rape culture really but STILL, a BAD START) sollux and feferi end up together b/c she kisses him to wake his dream-self after he dies???? with ZERO prior interaction on-screen?????? hussie also sets up “trolls don’t gender” and then all the trolls mostly end up in hetero relationships so that’s also weird like karkat’s intense initial blackrom crush on john being played as a joke, a lol it’s funny both b/c karkat is desperate and b/c gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy the saving grace is that a lot of these relationships are eventually unwritten b/c the trolls are like going through adolescence lots of hookups and then character growth and then breakup, sometimes played super well

me: oh interesting the wiki categories things … differently so btw http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Quadrants#Quadrant_Vacillation

Often in quadrant vacillations one party will have red feelings while the other one has black feelings. Usually one party will adjust their feelings to match their partner’s emotions, but this is not always the case. This sort of relationship volatility is one of the reasons why auspistice is an important part of troll culture.

is my life goal like, kismesis is my love but matesprit/kismesis double reacharound “it’s complicated and also violent” is ….hannibal and also my dream!!

Due to the multiple relationship types and the demands of troll society, trolls form groups and chains of Matesprits and Kismesises. A quadrangle is the simplest complete form of such a group of relationships. It consists of four trolls with two Matespritships and two Kismesissitude between them. If one pairing in a relationship group swaps its relationship type it can force all other relationships within the group to swap as well.

polyamory goals~

why is it not me

me: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004553

EB: but also i know that it is probably not exactly an empty threat! EB: since one of you already managed to trick me into getting myself killed. EB: well, in another timeline at least. AG: Man. AG: That was pro8a8ly Terezi! I should have known she would pull something like that. What a meddler. EB: terezi? AG: Yes. The pesky 8lind troll who licks her monitor and smells words and stuff. The one who got you killed. I’m sure of it!

(john’s first convo with vriska) and it MAKES NO SENSE why would you go, oh yes, that person obsessed with righteous justice/vengeance who got so mad at me hurting others that they did a big revenge on me; obviously SHE tricked you to your death it’s an obvious attempt to retcon sense into her inconsistent characterization

me: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/test_index.php?s=6&p=004561

EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that. EB: beep beep, meow!

(Missy later told me that he had been thinking “beep beep, meow” every time I talked about Karkat and still isn’t sure if it’s b/c I have quoted this to him before or b/c he parallel-evolved John’s phrase)

me: kanaya/rose is the otp to end all otps tho so i guess that’s nice, that the most convincing, meaningful romance is between women, nice job redeeming yourself hussie

Missy: why does he need redeeming? i thought you liked these people

me: hussie is creator

Missy: yes but why he need redemption? do we all need redemption? (deep thoughts there Missy)

me: hussie has Shipping Problems where he sets up his trolls as outside gender binary/outside heterosexuality/with different concepts of romantic relationships and sexuality and then … conforms to heteronormativity like 90% of the time, in part b/c this was written like 7 years ago, in part b/c he’s a generic white dude but he frequently aims for like, diverse characters and dynamics and then defaults to everyone is heteronormative even when it doesn’t make sense/even if the writing for it is lazy/even if it means going against prior established characterization or interactions the true heteronormativity-conquers-all narrative; miss me with that please but every now and then he actually does something approximating the diversity in his worldbuilding, and gracefully so that’s nice

[saintkimora]

ok, here is part 2 of the relationship stuff that happened from thursday to today. its taken so long bc ive been so tired w work and my emotions and stuff so i just havent had the energy but now i do. again caleb i would prefer if you didnt read this but i cant really stop you so just do what you want i guess

so i left off w the confrontation in the middle of a field. so i asked caleb a question i was like “be honest, did you cheat on me?” and i told him about how leeann told me he reinstalled grindr a few weeks ago and met this new guy who is named ray. caleb told me his side of the story. it was that he reinstalled grindr just to reconnect w some of his old friends. i asked why he didnt just have their phone numbers already but he said he doesnt give out his phone number that easily. so the grindr part was resolved, his justification made sense. i would have preferred if he just told me when he did it though bc if he just told me in the first place that he reinstalled grindr to talk to old friends i prob wouldve been ok with it, the fact that he hid it was what seemed shady to me

then his explanation of hooking up w a guy before he picked me up to resolve our issue on tuesday night. so it turns out he was actually hanging out w a friend from grindr named dan and they just hung out and played video games. i believed him. leeann said she had just assumed he was hooking up w him so in this case calebs story was acceptable. i mean caleb never offered to play video games with me smh but whatever idc if all they did was play video games im fine w that, i dont want to be stereotypical and say that two gay guys cant just be friends and hang out so i accept his story with dan

but then i found out about ray. ray was a guy that he just met on grindr that he was talking to and was interested in. that part hurt. he said he never met up w him in person though so that was good. i asked about how leeann said he compared me and ray and like highlighted all my personality flaws and he confirmed that yes, that conversation did happen :( he said the flaws he brought up were the same ones he said to me on our tuesday night talk, that i had no work ethic, no real goals, etc. idk why he thinks im just some flop bc i do have clear goals in life since ive literally been set on being a doctor since like 11th grade. i dont want to be a doctor tbh but its still my goal so its not like im just aimless. anyways idk it upset me a lot that he was like weighing the options between me and ray bc ive never like compared him to another guy. he admitted he was wrong talking to ray though and he apologized so i appreciate that he knows he was wrong to do that 

so that was p much it. basically leeann didnt really have ALL of her facts straight. i was still unhappy w what he told me obviously but he apologized and thats whats most important to me tbh. after that i felt a lot better, bc my breathing was kinda labored the entire day bc i was so nervous so my breathing returned to normal and my appetite returned 

so then the rest of the date was nice. we picked up his friend brian so it was the 4 of us and we got tutti frutti. leeann stayed in the car so it just the 3 of us sitting there eating it but then something a little unsettling happened. i was just sitting there enjoying the company and enjoying the snack and brian was like “you could cut the tension with a knife” and we were like theres no tension and brian was like “nvm...awkward silence is the right term” and that really caught me off guard. like i was just sitting there relaxing and enjoying myself and i didnt even know i was being awkward. like it just really reaffirmed how i feel like so disconnected from most people like not to be like “im so special and different” but i really do feel like i dont fit in like i dont know how to interact with people except for on a very surface level and so even though he didnt know it, brians little comment really affected me and made me feel really alone and isolated

so then we went to the boardwalk and it was cold but nice. again i dont do very well in groups but it was alright. it was like a huge burden off my shoulders knowing that i had resolved things with caleb, or so i thought

so that was on thursday. i havent seen him since but we have been texting and talking on the phone and stuff. it seems the issues havent been completely resolved. im still not really sure what exactly we are fighting about but im p sure we can get through it. like i just had some questions left to be answered 

for example, his explanation and leeanns explanations werent adding up about ray. like leeanns message made it seem like he was talking about her to ray on monday, which means that he was talking to ray by monday the latest. but he said he didnt talk to ray until after he broke up w me, which was on tuesday. i asked him and he said leeann just had her days mixed up. it is certainly possible that leeann did have her days mixed up. but kim told me she thinks hes still lying bc he doesnt wanna admit that he was talking to ray before he ended things with me. it is v possible that im kinda blinded by love which is why i have kim, so she can kinda keep me grounded, just like idil and peter do. but overall im choosing to believe caleb bc ive already told him i just want him to be honest w me and i dont think he would be so disrespectful to just continue to lie to me

and like im still trying to process everything. tonight he said that if i bring this stuff up to him one more time past tonight hes just gonna walk away and i dont want that to happen so i guess we are done discussing these issues. he sent me a really nice text last night and he was v nice in person on thursday but he can also get kinda hostile and mean over text, such as in his texts to me tonight. i dont know if he means to come off like this, which is why i wish we could stop discussing serious things over text and save them for when we are in person

so yeah, basically, on thursday we fixed most of the issue but i still had some doubts but after tonight i dont really think i have any. i still really care for him which i why i hate having drama with him and i feel bad bc i feel like i keep dragging it bc every time i think our relationship is fixed but then another new question creeps into my mind and i have to ask which leads to drama. so i feel like i just keep ruining everything but i dont know how to stop and it just sucks