#i do genuinely hate this because it’s very weak but i thought others might enjoy it

[matchaelette]

when jungkook is leaving and none of you know what to do with yourselves

summary: idol!jk and oc!ash (her name is ash, cz I couldn't think of anything else & Y/N makes me physically cringe), established relationship, jungkook is leaving for military enlistment and they are just spending the last moments together, jimin cameo ;)

genre: fluff, bit angsty, idol au

warnings: again, jungkook going through the whole enlistment procedure, suggestive, oc cries a lott but hey, everyone of us is crying

words: 3.5k

note: it had to be done. I needed to write about this. I'm not functioning straight and I wrote this in a mood where I felt very drained and emotionless so it might show up in the writing....? also, this is concerning-ly unedited. anyways enjoy, feedback is always appreciated <3

you've lost count of how many times you've cried this whole month.

ever since you could walk, talk, and form conscious thoughts, you've noticed that every feeling you've had and tried to express comes out as tears. yes, you're angry, oh my god mom, I wanna shake your shoulders and tell you to believe your daughter for once and not somebody else, but you're silent and you're crying; you've been memorizing every single thing for this presentation and you swear by your future first newborn baby that every word is engraved in your brain, just say the words, people don't care what you fucking say you just need to say something, but you're silent, your legs are shaking on the stage and you think you're crying; you love him, you love this human being staring at you from between your legs with all the love in this whole fucking universe, kind and whole and happy and real, jeon jungkook, you love him so fucking say it, but all you can do is caress his face and let the silent tears cascade down yours.

yes, ever since the beginning of time, all your emotions and feelings have been coming out as tears.

sometimes you think that spending all your teen years bottling up everything because of a mean father and an angry mother messed you up for good. all your life you've hated yourself for crying so easily, especially when in front of other people, feeling so weak and broken all the time. but you didn't think much anymore, at least not as much as you used to overthink when you were younger, scared of fellow high-schoolers, scared of what people think about you. after you've met jungkook, your sweet jungkook, he has shown you that crying doesn't necessarily mean you're weak. maybe you were just sensitive and that was alright, because you've always cried when you felt too much, made you more of a genuine human than everyone else. his words, not yours.

but it did feel good to hear and you didn't know what you've done to deserve it.

you also remember that every time you've hated yourself for crying, you always found solace in the fact that maybe someday it would all run out and you'd be perpetually free from all of it, the childish thoughts of a child.

however, even though you laughed at those thoughts every time you remembered them, you were now convinced of how wrong you were to think that maybe the tears would run out someday if you cried too much. because you've been crying continuously this month, more than you've cried your entire life, and by god, not only have the tears not dried out but also, it just keeps coming more and more if possible.

you choke out once again as you bury your face in jungkook's shoulder, clutching the front of his shirt as he tightens his grip around your waist. he looks at you helplessly, not knowing what to do anymore, because no amount of words or actions could stop you from crying. he knows he has tried it all.

you force yourself to get a grip, rubbing your face on jungkook's already wet shirt to dry your wet cheeks, and look up at the blurry distance in front of you, resting your cheeks against the place you've been hiding. jungkook stands there, one arm wrapped around you and one arm around his mother, with a little smile that keeps blooming at the sight in front of him seeing his jimin hyung hug and bid goodbye to his family, despite all the heartbreak in the air.

he tightens his grip around you and leans down to kiss his mother's head, who is in a state identical to you but still more graceful and elegant than you could ever be. "it's gonna be okay, you two", he whispers, causing his mother to gently smile and take your hands as you let out yet another sniff at his words. as sad and worried as she was at her son's departure, she couldn't help but feel worried for you too, her motherly nature reaching out towards you in a way you never felt from your own mother.

"I will be okay", she smiles at you in a teasing manner, despite her glassy eyes, "but the question is, will your girlfriend be okay?"

"h-hey!", your voice shook as an unintentional smile replaced the frown, "stop teasing me, maa", you whine.

"I am not teasing you, dear. honestly, come live with me for a few days. come to busan. I'll take care of you"

"if you keep saying that, I'll really turn into a parasite and stay in your house forever, maa"

jungkook giggles at your conversation, happy that the most important two women in his life got along so well. and you did, ever since the day you've met his mother. she loved you as her own daughter, as did his father, and made you feel so loved and comfortable that even your antisocial ass loved to spend time with them, making you visit them frequently, with and without jungkook by your side.

jungkook's mother lets go of her son and glides into her husband's arm, who looks at jungkook with pride. after all who wouldn't be proud of this talented, lovely, hardworking boy? jungkook was your boyfriend, and your best friend before your relationship upgraded into something more, and a lot of words came to your mind when you thought of him. but the first word has to be proud. proud that he became the man he is now, proud of who he was and every single version of him, how humble and kind and caring he is, always making everyone around him feel loved and respected. proud of how your friendship managed to stay so strong after all this time, proud how he is trying his best to get through these 18 months without any toll in your relationship.

jungkook hasn't shed a single tear yet, holding you through nights when you decided to be a mood killer, couldn't help thinking that soon he wouldn't be able to hold you like this. you were so far rooted in the future of the enlistment process that you forgot to live the present. you were a mess, shaking and sobbing ever so often, frustrated at hybe, frustrated at the whole lot of bts for taking a decision like this, frustrated at the south korean government, frustrated at jungkook for not being frustrated at how hysterical you've been acting.

jungkook, instead, has been a constant pillar of support. he has been constantly kissing your tears away, pushing his fears away of how you guys might not last through this calamity, reassuring you more than him that it will be alright. and as much as you wish he would express his own feelings instead of tending yours, you were glad that the boy didn't cry because it was all that was holding you back from getting onto your knees and begging him not to go. you couldn't do that to him, couldn’t do that to his happiness because you knew he would've obliged to your wishes, somehow, and break his own heart. he would do anything for you. he has been continuously proving that, after all.

"how is ash holding up?", jimin asks jungkook as he takes a sip of his soju, not feeling drunk enough despite the few bottles of alcohol he has drank. the point of the night was to spend time with each other, jungkook, him, and taehyung, getting wasted and having fun like old days. namjoon was supposed to join them as well, but he was overseas on schedule. taehyung, on the other hand, was already passed out on the couch, but it might have to do less with his low alcohol tolerance and more with his tiredness after landing in seoul from france just a few hours ago, after quite a hectic fashion week. so, it was jimin and jungkook now, them and their alcoholic asses against the whole world. after all, no one could hold their liquor like them in the whole group.

"she is, well, I honestly don’t know", jungkook frowned, a drop of soju ran down his lips to his black sweatshirt but he didn’t seem to notice, "she is totally ignoring that I have to leave and acting completely normal."

"sounds like her. isn't running from her problems her best coping mechanism?". you were close with all the members in the group, and the rest of them considered you as their little sister as well (even though taehyung jokingly called you noona sometimes) but if there was one member who knew the best, it had to be park jimin. he was your best friend after jungkook and the time you spent together, whether be it gossiping or shopping, was always something both of you found therapeutic and cherished from the bottom of your hearts.

a silent pain erupts in jungkook's heart as he finally voices out the thought he has been continuously having for the last few days, "hyung, should I break up with her?"

"yah jeon jungkook", jimin smacks the back of the younger boy's head, looking at him with shock, "are you that drunk already?"

"I don’t-", jungkook chokes out the next few words incoherently, and jimin had to physically shift closer to the boy to make sense of his words, "I don’t know what to do. I-I don’t know how to live without her. I want her all to myself and I selfishly want to ask her to wait for me. but how can I do that when she could have a much better life without me?"

"jungkookie-"

"she could fall in love with someone better than me. fuck, saying it out loud infuriates me but I know that she could be happier, way happier than I can ever make her. you see what I am doing? I am leaving the girl I love to protect my career, to make sure nobody has anything else left to guilt trap us with. I am doing all of this for myself. how selfish does that make me?"

"you keep forgetting that you don't have a choice, jungkookie."

"then why does it all feel like my fault?"

"what are we going to do?"

the words escape your lips without meaning to. they hang like a whisper in the air as your bodies slowly recover from the high they have been through, limbs tangled and eyes closed, forehead resting against each other.

"are we gonna be alright?"

yes, jungkook wants to say, yes because if you decide to stay, I will make it all work, I will make it all okay, I promise. but how can I ask you to stay when it will only hurt you?

"do you want to… maybe… break up?", his vacant voice makes your eyes fly open in bewilderment, not being able to believe that he actually said the words that he said. all this time both of you have been ignoring the pink elephant in the room, only almost two months left before jungkook left for the military enlistment along with namjoon, jimin, and taehyung. you’ve been trying to enjoy what little time both of you had despite your busy schedules, especially jungkook, who has been working tirelessly to make his fans feel a little less lonely when he won't be present anymore. something to hold on to while I am gone, I hope you can stay within this magic shop we've build together, memories of me would console you like the gentlest breeze of a fall evening, I will yet again patch something I haven’t broken.

but one of you had to be strong enough to address it, this overwhelming dread and the constant need to be with each other, ignoring sleep and every other basic need because you knew your time was coming to an end. you needed to address it and needed to be assured that both of you can get through this, your love was way stronger than these 18 months.

but that's the first thing he wants to say?

the way he looks at you breaks your heart. he has a small smile on his face and you can tell that it is genuine, that he is taking one last moment to cherish all of you if you decided to say yes. but there is almost an unbearing sadness behind his eyes, pained and tortured, begging you to say no.

your voice is almost comical when you actually find it, "jeon jungkook, do you want me to fucking kill you?"

and his immediate reaction is almost laughable. you could see his shoulders drop with relief. he buries his face in your neck and drops all of his weight on top of you, holding you in a way that immediately blocks out all the bad things and forces you to focus on him and him only.

you laugh, "you're quite heavy, babyboy"

"deal with it", comes out his muffled reply, as he forces you down on the soft mattress with his bare body, almost an attempt to bury you, and you choke out yet another laugh at his antics, tightening your legs around his waist and running your hands through his fluffy hair. I refuse to believe that it will all be gone soon.

"you haven't said anything. anything at all", he says quietly.

its sad that you know what he is talking about.

"I didn’t know what to say", you reply softly, careful that your voice doesn't shake. he doesn't need to see how you break every time you remember that he is going to leave, which you've been remembering an awful lot these days. no, you need to be strong, for him and for you. after all, you have already survived months away from each other, during tours and comebacks, thanks to both of your careers.

"we have survived before. it's not something new for us. we can do it again", you whisper against his jaw, gulping down the tears threatening to break free. only this time, it's 18 fucking months, and the unspoken words hang into the air.

"you didn't even shed a single tear", jungkook lifts his face and looks at you accusingly, knowing very well that you're a crybaby, "it keeps feeling like you don’t care."

your eyes widen at his words and it feels like a punch to your gut but you can’t say you're surprised. you have been acting indifferent to put up a strong front, and now that you look back, you may have overdone it from time to time. you were never a good actor.

you never understood why it always felt like this, every time you hide your problems from someone to not bother them, and always feel like a shipwreck when they actually fail to notice.

"jungkook, love", you trace his cheeks with your fingertips, his cute chubby cheeks, his lips, moving to his eyelids the moment he closes his eyes under your touch. you drag your fingertips through his scalp, waterfalls of his hair cascading down when you reach his nape, softly pulling his face closer to kiss the tip of his nose. jungkook, my love, how do I tell you that you mean the world to me and that I am not worried that our relationship isn't as strong enough to fight the course of time but I am sad and I am selfish and I don't know how to survive without feeling your presence for even a single day? how do I tell you that you never have to worry about me leaving but worry about me staying forever and suffocating you? I love you and I don't know what to do with myself, I love you and I don't know who I am without that love. what can I say to make it all better?

"babe, are you crying?"

no, you're not crying. you're sobbing.

"wait wait, I didn't actually ask you to cry—", you can see the panic in his eyes as he pulls both of your bodies up into a sitting position just using one of his hands while the other wipes your cheek off, you on his lap, your thighs straddling his waist, bare torsos flushed against each other. you feel him pulling you into a hug as if your bodies could get any closer than they already are. but instead of being comforted, you sob even louder.

"ash, sweetheart, please don't cry", jungkook wanted to punch himself, regretting the words he spoke earlier. what the hell was he thinking, saying that you didn't cry? he wanted to go back and kick his own ass at the stupidity. why the hell would he want you to cry of all things?

you on the other hand could do nothing except bury your face in your boyfriend's neck, and feel the entirety of him, his body, his scent, his hold on you, his voice so clear in your head, nothing but him until the time runs out. you have been so strong till now, haven't you?

"but you're leaving", he could see now, how much of an idiot he had been thinking that you didn’t care enough just because all you were doing was trying to be tough and get through without this exact moment happening. he could hear the desperation in your choked sobs, he could feel the sadness at his own dam threatening to break. he almost felt angry that after all this time, he was still stupid enough to not see through you.

"and I will be back sweetheart, you know I will be. and then there would be nothing standing between us anymore. nothing. for the rest of our lives", he promises as he lifts your tear-soaked face to look at his own. he looked pained, trying his best to be strong when you were falling apart right in his arms, but you could still see the hope behind his eyes because his promise was real and you knew it.

but once the waterworks begin, it just cannot stop.

there is nothing left to say now. it is time, you realize. the chilly breeze washes over you, and you realize that nothing can make you feel as cold as you will when jungkook gets in that car with jimin. your eyes find each other, mouths desperately looking for words to say, promises, comfort, but what can you say that hasn't already been said?

"I love you", you whisper.

"stay out of trouble, okay?", jungkook kisses your forehead and even with the unstoppable tears leaking out from your eyes, you can't help but shoot him a mischievous glance. you, the god of getting into trouble, staying out of trouble?

jungkook sighs, knowing you a bit too well. after spending years together, he knew well enough that you could never be forced to do something you didn't want to do. you were like a storm, passing through in a way that was your own, wrecking everything in the process. while he loved your bravery and carefree nature, he realized it comes with its consequences. for him, it was constantly worrying about you and never wrongfully so. so, he returns to his last resort to make sure that you will be okay, "do it for me."

"okay that is pure emotional blackma—"

you cannot finish your words because his lips are on yours in a second, abruptly plunging you down a rabbit hole because, god, after all this time you're still not used to it. he smells like fresh laundry and mint, moving carefully because he isn't sure that you will allow him to kiss you like this in front of half the people from his company, his parents, and god knows who else is in the base. but who are you push him away?

you drop all courtesy and kiss him back in a manner that is sure yet gentle, tongue brushing softly against his lips. jungkook obliges and parts his lips, breathe mingling and tongue dancing in harmony as you kiss him with all your might, letting all of him overwhelm all of you one last time.

you let go of each other, breathless yet eyes glued. you trace his face, from his eyes to his cheeks and nose, his shaved head, still as soft as silk under your touch. he kisses your fingers when they reach his lips, smiling gently to remind you that yes, he will be gone, and that will hurt as hell but then again, he will be back.

"go, jimin's waiting", you force out a smile, "and please, for the love of god, choose something normal to do, something that doesn't involve jumping out of an aircraft or—"

"I love you."

".....I know."

[ineffectualdemon]

I'm still trying to work out the demons cultural violence thing to make it less bad but also keeping it to an extent because the cultural misunderstandings are something I enjoy even if I don't like the implications.

My first thought was, well they are demons they are naturally tougher so they don't know humans are more fragile

And that is still a big problem I realised after

Like yes my thoughts were focusing on that they were demons and comparing them to western demons but that's still doesn't make it better in retrospect and in fact makes it worse

So

I have had a thought

Most of the demons we meet do wrestle and smack each other around and are a little stronger and tougher but!

1. The smacking each other around is in the same way of any group of teenage boys. It's not that they don't feel pain it's that they find that kind of friendly smack and wrestle funny and bonding ← based on the group of tame fucks boys I was friends with in highschool

This is very much the culture especially around teenage and young adult high class demons and Mobei

2. SVSSS demons are made up of many races with different strengths and weaknesses

Like Pokémon!

And in demon culture while you might playfully fight with another demon you do NOT go after their weaknesses. Mobei Jun would not use ice while casually meeting a snake demon and a fire demon wouldn't use their fire on Mobei in a casual friendly greeting. They might smack each other upside the head but no exploiting weaknesses because that could actually hurt someone

3. When I say stronger and tougher I mean like most of the demons we meet specifically who are in peak physical condition. Average demon not much difference from average human. Our very powerful demons like Mobei? Frat boys built like professional wrestlers with demonic cultivation. Stronger then most cultivators but cultivators can get that strong too.

4. Shang Qinghua is actually strong enough to take the hits. He's not getting ribs broken all the time he's getting bruises because he has high physical cultivation and can lift a cart one handed if he really wants to. He just hates it because it's not what he likes

5. The pocket of demon culture we see (High Class Over Powered Gym Brats) is identical to the culture on Bai Zhan peak minus the rules about Pokémon style weaknesses. Like seriously Bai Zhan is exactly the same in "friendly" greetings. Someone on Bai Zhan genuinely thinks beating someone up three times a day (beating them in a spar) is romantic

This still doesn't solve most of the problem but when it you make it

A) not demon culture as a whole just the culture of these particular rich over powered Brats in this particular social circle

B) the power and strength cap of the over power brats is comparable with human power levels

And

C) make Bai Zhan have the same stupid "fighting = flirting" idea

Then it's a bit better I think?

But that means doe Mobei he's doing the done thing in his social circle and also Shang Qinghua isn't saying no and the Bai Zhan brats act the same way so it's fine no? (its embarrassing that it's not)

[lurkingshan]

(Different anon) I agree with and understand your points re: ~why you watch GMMTV if don't like??~ and why the question is/feels hostile.

But taking the question itself in good faith as "why do you (should I) keep watching shows I think/know I will not like based on how others have been handled?" in the genuine spirit of "explain like I'm 5 because I don't understand the lingo and background but want to understand the concept, how would you explain it to people not as into/knowledgeable/etc BL and the history of GMMTV?

Hi anon! This is an interesting question, because it depends so much on you as an individual and what makes you happy.

I think there is often a misconception that people who post critical meta are having a miserable time and torturing themselves with media they hate, but it's just not true. For folks like me who enjoy thinking critically, this is how we have fun. When I love something, I want to rip open its guts and see how it's all assembled. It's what stimulates my brain and gets me excited. And when I don't love something wholeheartedly, I am interested in figuring out why. I've often had the experience of watching something that I know should be working on me, and if it isn't, that creates an intellectual puzzle that I find very satisfying to solve. Why isn't it working, and what can that help me learn about storytelling? This is also fun for me.

Another misconception I often see in fandom is that if you like something, you can't have negative thoughts about it and you have to pretend it's perfect to be a good fan. Nonsense! Being a hater is fun, especially about things you truly love. I'll give you a really concrete example: Bad Buddy is one of my all time favorite shows. It first aired three years ago and I still think about it nearly every day. It's a show that stimulates my brain but also hits me straight in the heart. But I do not think it's perfect and I get a lot of joy from thinking about the parts that did not work (Wai's redemption, that stupid fake out in the finale, all of episode 9) and making fun of it (have you heard that PAT GOT SHOT??). This, too, is a form of love and source of joy.

So with those misconceptions addressed, why do I keep watching shows I suspect I won't like? First, because you truly never know until you try, and I like to be pleasantly surprised. Two of my favorite shows of this year, Cherry Magic Thailand and Knock Knock Boys, shocked the hell out of me. I went into CMT deeply skeptical only to be charmed against my will and so impressed by how they adapted it, and I went into KKB expecting it to be like 95% of weak Thai pulps only to realize its writing and themes were stronger than they had any right to be. If I stayed away from all media I thought I might not like, I would have never had the amazing experience of watching and discussing those two shows live with friends who also loved them.

Second, like I said above, I still have fun examining shows that are not quite working for me, and sometimes I am compelled by the ambition of shows even if I don't think the execution is serving. A great example of that is The Sign. I wanted to support that show because of who was making it, and it had so much early promise that when it fell apart halfway through, I stuck it out to try to make sense of what went wrong. In cases like that, I like to figure out what a show thinks it's doing, what it's actually doing, and where the disconnect is. It's a fun puzzle for me to sort through such an ambitious mess of a show. This is why, btw, I am never really moved by fanwanks to fill in gaps in story and characterization. I understand why others enjoy fixing shows in their brains and then pretending that's what they actually saw, but it's not what motivates me. My goal with shows like this is not to get myself to like it no matter what, it's to figure out why I don't like it and what could be changed to address that.

Third, I care about ql as a genre, and I like to be aware of how it's evolving and be part of the collective experience of watching it. QL fandom is tiny and I like to know what my friends are talking about! I can't watch everything because there is simply way too much content these days, but I like to watch or at least pay attention to most of the big buzzy shows to track trends and see what's getting the fandom frustrated or excited. I didn't watch We Are because I knew enough about what it was doing and who was involved to understand it was not for me, but I did pay attention to reactions to it. Watching Jack & Joker with Thai bl fandom right now is some of the most fun we've had since Only Friends killed our spirit. J&J is directed by my parasocial frenemy Tee Bundit, whose shows often frustrate the hell out of me and whom I have ripped to shreds on this platform many times over. But I'm not gonna let that stop me from having fun with this new show, because Joke is The Moment and we're all in this together.

So truly, anon: whether or not you should be like me and watch things you may not like or continue watching shows you don't think are very good depends on what motivates you. You should figure out what is most fun for you re: media consumption, and do that. You can seek out people who enjoy media the same way you do, and also befriend people who think differently if you want to learn from each other and don't mind a bit of productive discomfort from time to time. I have gotten better recently at recognizing when I'm just getting nothing out of a show and dropping it like a hot potato (because some shows are not bad in an interesting way, they are just bad), or realizing which shows I will like better on a binge (usually the ones with terrible pacing, that is not as tortuous for me when I can just watch it all in one go). You gotta do some testing to figure it out.

All of this has all been a really long-winded way to say you should do what makes you happy, and don't assume that just because someone else's happiness looks different from yours, that it's wrong.

[straycalamities]

Hello, how are you

Why do you Like Entre and Swag?

i’ve been sick almost the entire past week but i think im getting better

do you mean as a relationship? ho boy. well, first of all, seeing as a lot of ships ive gotten into after it end up sharing a lot of similarities, i think its safe to say it became one of my favorite ship dynamics period

this got long fast

enemies/rivals-to-lovers isn’t anything new for me seeing as i dedicated, on-and-off, 8+ years to naruto and sasuke as one of my first hardcore ships that i still enjoy

and in general i just really like ships between characters who bicker and banter a lot (vash and wolfwood from trigun being a perfect example of this) but still being something more significant to each other than either of them truly realize until it sinks in either slowly or forcefully

and especially as i’ve grown older, i’ve gotten more and more and more interested in the intricacies and complications of having two very…hmmm damaged? i guess? personalities trying to find something that works because they need it to

which the other two ships have as well, but in a more “toxic yaoi” way, ya feel? LMAO like! hannibal and will graham from the hit show :) which that came after swagtre but it still stands as it got me to appreciate that aspect of their relationship even more than i did

swagtre is in no way synonymous to hannigram. hannigram is on a different level of delicious toxic yaoi, BUT it goes to show what ive opened up my ship palate to voraciously

even so, that’s moreso the early stage of their relationship, which is fun! but also not the whole story

i guess the main thing that initially drew me in was that i’ve always had a weakness for characters like swag. he’s so full of bravado, performative self-interest, defusing every little thing with a joke, and all the while coming off as a destructive idiotic selfish little brat. meanwhile the truth that resides is much deeper than that. that he does care, he just doesn’t know how, so he does his best which…is easily overlooked because he’s uncomfortable with being seen for being genuine in any way because it makes him feel vulnerable and blah blah this ain’t a swag study

but anyways truffula flu made me like him a normal amount! :)

then there’s entre who wears his heart on his sleeve moreso. he’s always been more honestly reactive, that’s why his mainverse it’s so fun to pick on him, and it didn’t get numbed by the apocalypse all that much. entres also a guy who takes things for face value at first. then there’s also the fact he used to have such a hero/senpai-crush on swag before the whole thing even happened and they’d even became pretty friendly acquaintances

and now he’s having to wrestle with the fact everyone who used to like him, hates him, except dave and bitter. and anyone else that might? probably dead. and of course! why wouldn’t they? his big mistake that cost the world

and swag is the loudest reminder of them all. forcibly inching and digging and clawing his way into entres psyche and mind until he finds himself using all of swags same words at himself during moments of self-hatred. self-hatred that’s been there all his life but now it has a burning world to reference. and swags voice mingling with his mother’s.

and entre may get defensive and bite back and try to turn things around on swag, but he can never truly say swags wrong. because he’s not! entre fucked up everyone else’s lives over a deeply selfish and shallowly thought-through decision. and even if swag is also a capitalist self-serving asshole, well he only destroyed his own environment, he didn’t end civilization as they know it

and that just makes it worse than the preachy “hippie” types that used to nag at him before. someone who’s in his same ilk is now berating him

and while entres never Not risen to rage-bait. he absolutely never took the phrase “don’t feed the trolls” to heart, he also has deeper reasons why with swag he always throws himself at the opportunity to try and defend or twist things, because it’s hitting him so much harder than everyone else (besides 72)

so yes, when swag keeps saying entres obsessed with him, he’s actually right! entre IS and has been since swag forced the jester hat on him and paraded him around camp as a spectacle. one that he can never truly deny that he deserves

i also think we should go back to entres pre-apocalypse feelings about swag because it’s important to note that entre wanted to Be swag. he looked at swag and saw the man he wanted to grow into. maybe less childish and gross, but the charisma behind it all, the way that even despite that, he had so many wrapped around his finger and every word

and the thing with early entre, is he always directly compared himself with other oncelers. sizing himself up against them and like…really it just makes sense right? to him, they were all iterations of himself, achieving and accomplishing or even failing different things. and even if at first the multiverse unnerved him, he started to use it to his advantage. i mean he got 72 to mentor him, he was lifting tips n tricks off others like swag, and he was directly taking notes on how Not to be off others (One, Bitter, Strangecase, Stone (sorry man ilu) and more bc this list is longer than the idol list LMAO)

so thats just more to really hammer in how intrinsic to entres identity swag became and it became more palpable in the worst way in truffula flu

this is all as an aside to the crushing guilt of his giant mistake itself but we all know how he feels abt that

and for swag, i mean don’t take my word here as word of god because i don’t THINK my theory here is confirmed to be canon, but im pretty sure he saw himself in entre as well. like it went both ways. and swag felt fear AND i guess relief? if that makes sense that it was entre instead of him. like this guy is very much Like him and any of them coulda done this, but it was entre, not swag. and that’s why swag is very insistent on not letting entre forget it, because deep down he’s terrified that it could’ve been him if entre hadn’t done it first

and so he looks down on him and beats him even further down as a way to kinda uhhh make himself feel better? except it doesnt. it never makes him feel better but it DOES make him feel not as worse as he could, or thinks he could if he just let the guy go after daring to make such a fool of himself in front of everyone

i think, as much as entre sees himself and how he wants himself to be in swag, swag sees himself in entre and what he doesn't want to be. and entre changes it to him seeing all the stuff he doesn't like about swag, the pieces of him he doesn't want to mimic because he refuses to continue to admit to himself that he still envies and looks up to the man swag is, because even at the end of the world, he's one of the few who seems to have something figured out that works for him. he actually seems to enjoy himself in this hell. he seems to feel free to find happiness and entre couldnt be more envious of that

but then as more and more people crowd into their camp, and they get to a baseline and learn the uhhh capabilities of their survival companions, they also learn to realize that they operate on the same wavelength the most even if neither of them admit it. obviously everyone wants out of this hell, but i dont think any of them tenaciously chase after that ambition as much as swag and entre do, for their own reasons

most of the rest of the camp has taken a sort of acceptance to the situation either in a pragmatic or pessimistic way. and of course nobody wants this to stay the way it is, but they don't have that sort of...all-encompassing fire to find a way to reverse their situations as much as swag and entre. i mean we did have bitter's optimism for a bit there, but he was doomed so like...what other option did he have other than believing in entre, but it was absolutely rooted in nothing. even entre knew that.entre especially knew that. bitter was deteriorating the fastest he'd ever seen it and if he hadn't been able to find a way to slow it down in the other ppl who took weeks to turn, then what was he going to do for the guy taking days?

so all bitter's optimism did was make entre feel sicker with guilt for everything and completely drove the little grip he had on hope into the ground. especially by making him take his first un-turned life. especially because, i think we have to address this here to fully understand why entre goes the way he does afterwards: bitter was never truly bitter to entre. bitter was himself. bitter was the likely future entre saw himself walking towards. out of every other onceler further ahead along from him, successful or aftermath or otherwise, bitter felt the most real for him

bitter was always his own failure even before it happened literally and live right before his eyes. that's always what he meant to entre even in mainverse/pre-truffula flu. that's why he made such a dedication to trying to butt his way into bitter's life. that's why he spoiled him and wormed his way into his heart, because he was trying to put that energy out there that one day, if this were to become literally his fate, someone would do this for him as well. or maybe he'd put enough good karma out there with doing this for bitter, that this wouldn't even become him at all!

that is exactly why entre was so stricken after his death. that's why it hurt and broke him so hard. he didn't know bitter long enough for his cries of "he's my best friend!" to fully be true. if anyone was entre's best friend at the time, it was 72, or dave, or his own mother. it was not bitter, bitter was his pet project. bitter was the poisoned dart that seared in striking him, and slowly ate at him after he was gone. bitter was him fully being unable to run from the consequences and culpability of his own actions. because now this was something that was clearly, unignorably, happening right in front of his eyes and now the blood was directly on his hands

bitter was his future self and his sealed demise that came with it. bitter was his destroyed future. bitter was his own mortality.

entre does come to realize something akin to this later on, but i guess i didn't make it understandable enough because i think a lot of people missed that this was the true narrative going on underneath the surface. which is my bad and on me, i could've done a better job, but ya. this was always my intention and it's a very key part in understanding why entre is the way he becomes and does what he does afterwards

which, back to swag, is his doing to entre. because swag does strong-arm him into and making him believe there was no alternative to entre killing bitter who swag DID, as anyone else did at the time, believe entre's statement that entre saw him as his best friend, but that also meant that was even more entre's problem to solve to him. and it's something entre finds hard to forgive swag for for a while after, even as his own guilt berates him for his own involvement in creating this fate for bitter, there's always that part of him that blames swag for forcing him to actually face the consequences of his actions. because, as most oncelers, entre doesnt like that very much LMAO

and yet despite it all, it still, in its own twisted way, makes him feel the most seen by swag. if that makes sense?? especially as 72 made it abundantly clear he was disappointed in him and didn't even seem to know who entre really was anymore. the survival needs and guilt had warped entre towards a vitriolic survivalist away from that bright eyed young man that he had taken in.

and then of course, nobody else really seemed to want to push a deeper connection with him at the time for this or that reason. so he had dave, who he personally saw as still just an employee so of course dave was with him and on his side, he had that employee loyalty. dave became his right hand, but that also meant that entre felt that he couldnt confide as much in dave because it's hard to explain but it's like...since dave was working FOR him, he didn't want to muddle it up with personal feelings to keep dave sharp. that's what entre thought at the time anyways

and so, for better or worse (mainly worse) who stuck around and kept nosing endlessly into entre's business and his life and burying himself in his side like a thorn he couldnt remove and absolutely couldnt forget. well that was swag.

in this sort of fucked up whirlwind...swag became the most emotionally significant person in entre's life. especially as swag started to show that he DID gave at least half a shit. and after their shouting matches that got swag to admit this little tip of the iceberg or that. entre did get to wondering what else there was going on underneath that. it became something he wanted to dig at to find out.

despite how they bickered and butted heads, entre always felt more comfy telling swag things he wouldnt or would no longer tell anyone else. swag's little bits of sympathy or lightheartedness became little crumbs of something that entre subsisted off of to keep going, because, despite everything, he still looked up to him. he still admired him and what he was capable of and what he could do. and how he didnt seem to let anything that was going on bring him down. he kept his shine.

and for swag (again not word of god here) i think he liked that entre DID butt against him. obviously he had fun with rocky and one. but (and this IS word of god/confirmed canon) they weren't as much his friends as he touted they were. swag struggles creating (and especially maintaining) close relationships. they make him vulnerable and they come with stakes and things to lose. so swag always kept his relationships fair-weathered and shallow. (aside from just not knowing how to be genuinely real and vulnerable with people in a way that COULD cultivate a close relationship) he sure did say and shallowly BELIEVED they were deeper than what they were, but deep down...he had an idea that were push come to shove...he wouldnt mourn anyone as much as your normal guy would mourn his true friends and he felt that it was mutual.

so as much as he ran away from it, swag felt very alone. swag always has issues with loneliness and that's why he throws himself from person to person and has to be the loudest and brightest and funniest in the room. and hey even if you hate what youre hearing and seeing, he's still got your attention. and that can be good enough when it comes down to it. (end of word of god/confirmed canon swag stuff)

but yeah i think that...not that rocky or one were yes-men or anything, but i mean they kinda just worked with his antics and like okay yeah here we go, swag stuff again yay(or nay) but entre always was fighting it. he didnt just accept swag entirely for this way or that, he was always critiquing, always challenging, always prodding back as strongly as swag prodded him. and i think that change of pace is what kept swag coming back over and over beyond the other stuff i said earlier

and like...as the guy at the center of it all, i think even swag said it himself at some point, if anyone knew how to get them back out of this mess it was him. and as swag said: he saw entre as a way better leader than him. even if it personally irked and annoyed him, himself when it happened to him. entre clearly had figured out his stuff and what he'd say had merit (just not with swag who always knew better for himself)

so if entre saw swag as the better leader for his charisma and weird optimism, then swag saw entre as the better one for his pragmatism and his knack for staying rational most of the time. i think that's also why entre's slip in lucidity bothered swag a whole lot because...if entre couldn't be the rational one, they were screwed. he'd gotten used to entre being a kinda...logical pillar to bounce off of, so if he was losing his touch with reality, that was going to doom the lot of them (even him). it's also with (word of god) swag's deep deep fear of abandonment so...if entre abandons his own senses, he's abandoning Swag and that Cannot Happen

this is a whole lot but its really hard for me to explain the why FULLY without dragging out all the nuances and complexities to their relationship because THAT'S WHY!!! it's SOOO complex and there's so many layers and nuances to everything that had to keep working in a certain way to go in a positive direction or else it all fell apart, as we saw, over and over

they both have so many issues that hold them back in ways and then theyre both so damn stubborn that it ended up making them even getting along as FRIENDS a damn slow-burn (and i am, always, a sucker for a slow-burn. one of my main weaknesses in a ship)

you can see they both end up wanting that, even if neither of them would admit it. but they both, as businessmen, saw their cooperation as fruitful for the success of themselves and the camp. it was just all this other baggage going on making it hard

so then we get the hospital. where rocky gets his harsh taste of the reality of their situation and he gets HIS humble pie of his own mortality, pushing him away from swag who remains reckless. and then entre, feeling ostracized from literally everyone and even having a hard conversation with 72 in the elevator, when it all comes down to it, and they seem doomed. he lets himself be weak and falls a bit into swag. and this is where it changes a lot of things for entre. this moment of weakness he was pushed into by fearing it was this or never.

because obviously they get saved and then it's swag losing his foot or getting left behind for zombie-chow and OBVIOUSLY the latter isnt an option so...entre makes that call and then cant go through with it because swag's fear is shaking him to his core in a way he never thought would happen. like he let himself get weak and it's immediately striking him in a soft spot that changes him for the rest of the story

i think it's here where he gets that kinda "oh..." deep deep down. that wow. yeah. swag is much more significant to him than previously believed. that leads into the hardware store where slowly and surely, swag becomes his precious possession. swag's the only one that believes in him. swag's the only one that understands him. swag's the only one he wants to be around. nobody can touch or harm swag but him. swag is his responsibility. swag is his, his, his.

and this is very very poisoned by entre's deteriorating state of mind and emotional health. the man is a long-coming disaster finally starting to collapse on himself. and the centerpin of it all is keeping swag safe and to himself because swag's the only good he sees right now in this hell of a world. swag's words become law in his mind. if swag says he has to be more of a leader, more assertive, he'll take that and run marathons with it. anything to make swag proud of him

because that's another thing is entre has just...always chased someone being proud of him or happy with him. or that he was doing good or whatever. a common onceler problem with the way that Once-ler Mama just Is but yes...it's always been a big deal for entre. he's terrified of failure. and he's terrified of disappointing people who mean something to him. so he'll do whatever it takes to make swag proud and it's not like the rest of thee camp know better than Him what's the Greater Good for them, of course. he's the leader. he's the one who created all this. this is his world and he knows everything about it better than anyone.

meanwhile swag's too fucked up on having his wings finally clipped after leaving off the high of true and total freedom for so long. that he has to stew with no escapism and let the reality of his life as it is now sink in. old ghosts start to catch up to him and new horrors start to sink in. that and the pain meds of course, but through it all, he's still operating on that trust he's placed in entre. entre's a weirdo, but he always takes care of him and spoils him as much as he can. and it makes swag not wanna question, not that he has a leg to stand on (ha) currently anyways when it comes to that. he doesnt know anything going on outside his door. and to be honest, i think that's the part of this shitty situation that he likes. he's clearly tired and been tired of feeling responsible for other people, but he also cant help himself because of his deep need to try and keep as many people in his life as possible because that means the ones that leave have a lot more replacements

but yeah obviously when he gets out and suddenly everyone is his responsibility again and it's up to him to be the hero (in his perspective) he puts entre in his place in the only way he knows how, but at this point...he's reached an understanding of entre and entre HAS become more significant to him than just a business partner. and he's starting to act on the parts of entre he can see in himself and so despite entre fucking up (yet again) he sees it as entre just trying to do what he was guided to in the best way he could manage and swag has little issue just being like ok you fucked up but who cares about that anymore

he has a better understanding on how entre thinks and what he wants (not a great one but a better one) and i think he knows that to endlessly punish entre and leave him alone would just make him way worse and so he decides to stick with him himself (i also think this is also swag's abandonment issues)

i don't think has very recognizable romantic feelings for entre at this point, but entre very much does for swag. so this keeps entre on his feet as much as it can despite the whole spectacle of it being something that'd drive him, any other time, to a long walk off a short pier. but it had to be a spectacle for swag because he had to show to everyone that hey hes here and hes the one fixing things! youre welcome!

but it's still a harrowing experience that strip entre down to the bone and he might be at his lowest he's been since bitter. maybe even lower, but then the prisma event happens and, if entre's event stripped entre to the bone, swag's stripped swag to the marrow

and if there's one thing about entre, it's fixing problems that aren't his own is one of the best ways to keep him moving. even if to anyone else, what swag's been doing this entire time for entre is the Absolute Bare Minimum, in entre's persective, with what he knows and observes from swag, it's worlds and worlds. so when the tables turn, entre feels like it's his turn to give back. and maybe the tables didnt entirely turn on their own, but entre pushed them to. he spun it.

swag was already knocked down a peg by losing his foot, but losing his emotional stability, his comfort, his optimism in this hopeless world. being abandoned by someone that was more dear to him than the others. that slammed him rockbottom. he stopped caring about if people liked him or not because why bother? they're all going to die or leave anyways. i think he knew sooner than we think that rocky was infected, and one was always him being purposefully obtuse. he knew what his fate was. everyone was going to leave him now. and he refused to care about it anymore

shoving everyone away and hermitting in himself. the same careful practices he berated and mocked entre for are things he'd come up with on his own. he was there to be useful now in a direct way. with practical ideas, survivalism, and physical labor. if there was no more joy or optimism, whatever. they were alive. and his joy didn't get to smile anymore so no one deserved to

i think it was the one-two combo of prisma and rocky that really did swag in because, even if i said he doesnt get Actually close to people, he still considered them his. like those are his people and he's going to lose them all. they're all going to leave him behind on this earth that he's been knew for a while fucking sucked shit, but as long as he got to have fun it hadn't mattered, but now he can't

and entre kinda...accidentally did the best thing he could've for swag at this time. he also felt alone, discarded, from the queen piece on the board to a pawn. and so he clung to the only thing he'd found reliability in over and over for better or worse: swag

in general, in this arc, i was working on him taking this giant blow to his ego as a humbling moment to have him kinda try to make amends and create meaningful relationships (or repair the existing ones) with the others in the camp, but being that he thought none of them wanted anything to do with him, his main focus was always swag. swag was the only one besides dave that he thought without a doubt, wanted him around in some capacity beyond being useful

and it's not that entre is a stranger to only being seen for his usefulness, so he bared down into that otherwise, but having tasted the high life...that's why he stuck to swag. he was back to eating those crumbs like addictive delicacies and they tasted even sweeter this time. they end up becoming very, very codependent on each other. they were before a bit too but here, especially so,

but with entre's tanked self-esteem (and it was already pretty bad before) and his sense of duty and taking responsibility, he takes to his role like a duck to water. but it's kinda...funny bc they both become both roles in a codependent relationship??? so it's like...codependency in its most truest realized form lmao

it's starts especially one way but then entre gets sick and it flips the other way, but entre's still trying to maintain the original set-up. this is also where their relationship becomes physical. from affections kept away from others' eyes, to deeper kinds of intimacy. i think with all that they've lost and are doomed to lose, they find their old coping mechanisms (which were never healthy or actually worked either tbqh lmao) just weren't cutting it anymore so then they turned to other things

with like...needing a more direct and physical and raw way to show each other they're still alive, still here, still significant to each other. swag initiates it more, i think, because while they're both on the asexual spectrum. swag's is demi. so this goes to show just how emotionally important entre's become to him, but also i think it's because of yknow...how he was raised. and for him it's more comfortable to do bedroom stuff with entre than kiss him or rub his shoulders. that stuff's "for girls" (too emotionally vulnerable)

and swag starts to show his care as more of...like a direct invasive thing. where he's not going to let entre abandon him too. he's going to somehow make him better and keep him here as long as he can. and entre's taken to rolling over for nearly everyone because he doesnt feel like he's allowed to stand up for himself and this includes swag because it's clear he's doing it because he cares so it's fine right?

and that's kinda where everyone's idea of them leaves off because we never got to go past that. so i get where people, especially those who aren't a fan of toxicity in their ships, would be confused why people like swagtre so much and even for me, as much as i love a good conflict in my ships, i think if this is all it was, i wouldn't be quite as obsessed as i am. because i'll be honest!! it made me sad quite a lot LMAO but i always did it for the bit (story) above all else. because while i wanted entre to say the magic words or do the magic thing or have the magic realization that would fix it all, that's not a good story

but it really is for the later story that i've gotten so caught up. even before we confirmed the Continued story i was always caught up and daydreaming of where this could go

and i just really really love the growth they've had with each other and how many like...jumps in their characters and stuff they've made with and because of each other. entre would not be who he is today in any iteration without some of the realizations i've made through swagtre and same with swag i know with good authority

and it's just like...it takes so long to get even where we ended it. and they have all these weird labyrinthine bullshit things to work through and against and with to get anywhere. and it goes back and forth. forward and two steps backwards so much. but it's just very interesting to study and even reread or reminisce on. and even think about ways it coulda gone differently idk...i just like ships that give me multiple multiple things to chew on and think about. i like to have a full course meal. no shade to people who like other stuff but yea..that's what i personally enjoy. the more complicated, the more difficulty and personal baggage and issues they have to work through to make it work, the better

and i can't say too much on where it's confirmed to go, because that's yet to be seen (smile emoji) but yes...it gets better and idfk i just eat up to people becoming super significant to each other in an apocalypse especially if they started off hating each other?? damn

and it's addictive seeing swag start to come more and more out of his shell. i say his moments of being genuine, vulnerable, real, and raw and caring were addictive crumbs for entre BUT BITCH ME TOO TF!!!

it drives me NUTS (SLASH HUGE POSITIVE!!!!) i love being a driving force to get to see aspects of a character we wouldnt see otherwise. knowing i had a hand in swag learning things about himself and revealing things about himself he would never in other situations...yum...that's the good shit

but yes so concludes my novel on why i like swagtre including i guess an impromptu summary of their relationship

if you made it all the way to the end god damn man...love ya

[prince-liest]

oh my god…. prince……. you can’t do this to me. you’re saying next fic has vox getting fucked, focuses on vox’s transness (AH), AND ALSO HES ON THE OFF SEE SAW OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH VAL?????? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MEE?!!?!!????? I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY COMBUST. and bc another anon asked abt how alastor views the violence in voxval’s relationship, i have Another thought on the matter. as much as alastor looks down on vox, they can be Very similar sometimes. they are both egomaniacs and very prideful. i don’t think vox, without outside interference, would ever ADMIT that the violence he faces is 1) something he truly hates AND 2) out of his control. he can’t admit he hates it, because then why isn’t he stopping it? that would be admitting to not being powerful enough or strong enough. and hello, 50’s toxic masculinity coming through, he CANT be a victim of domestic violence. he’s a powerful, rich, and important man. it all comes down to perceived weakness. so, the solution is to pretend he’s mostly fine with it. sure, he can act disgruntled and upset in the moment, but i don’t think he’d ever let himself take it seriously. because then he has to start drawing lines in the sand, and what happens then? will val look down on him? will he lose val? yeah, he is not risking that over a problem he mostly refuses to acknowledge exists. and as you said, this is all happening in the setting of hell, where ultra violence IS the norm, and vox himself is excessively violent. it’s the most delicious 50 layer cake of fucked up-ness.

RANT ASIDE THO. i have a question. 2. do you ever plan on having vox interact with the hotel crew outside of angel? ANDDDD what would charlie’s reaction be to their friendship/situationship/ kinda love affair. i think she could add SOOOOO much hilarity and Intense Emotions to this series. not that the boys haven’t been doing their part in that so far. charlie just intensifies everything she does, god bless her. -🌓

The "getting fucked" bit and the trans conversation bit are directly related to and relevant to each other, and frankly I'm just very happy to be out here writing the specific flavors of deeply queer shenanigans that I'm writing, and to have people actively enjoy that. It genuinely means a lot to me that I've strayed so goddamn far out of the bounds of good old top/bottom yaoi archetypes that introduced me to fandom and yet have a wildly enthusiastic audience nonetheless. So, that was my long way of saying that you bring me a lot of fucking joy, anon, hahaha.

As for everything you're saying about Vox, power, and masculinity: YOU! points dramatically at you YOU GET IT! YOU GET IT!!!!!! Everyone just read this, this is it, this is the thing. I have no notes to add. There is a reason that the main point he raises the moment he actually says something vulnerable about it (before he immediately cuts himself off) is a complaint that he's an overlord, so why—?

And with regards to your questions: I'm not gonna lie, my actual planning for 666 is usually, like, extremely by the seat of my pants. I plan nothing except, "Oh, shit, had an idea for the next one. Lesgoooo—" and that's been the case for literally every single installment. It's all just been evolving naturally and building on top of itself. So! I can't say that I plan to have Vox interact with the hotel crew or Charlie, but I also will never say that I'm actively opposed to it.

That said, I do think a lot of this fic is kinda structured around hitting specific topics that come up in intimate settings between Vox and Alastor specifically, with occasional tag-ins from Angel Dust, so I don't really know if there's anything in particular I'd like to write that I think would work better in this series if more characters got involved. But, hey! Never say never!

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[los-ninos-tortugas]

I’d love your thoughts on…Bayverse tmnt.

This has languished in my inbox for far too long. Quite honestly I was gonna try to come up with some sort of funny meme answer to this and drew up completely blank so instead I'm gonna do sincerity,

It's... it's bad but I still kinda love it? In a weird way? These movies give me weird emotions because I did genuinely enjoy watching them but I'm also very aware that there's... Stuff going on. I've definitely taken my fair share of pot shots at these movies in the past because it's funny, But after seeing this behind the scenes video I do think there's something kind of interesting to talk about; how much thought went into this... for it to still come out pretty mid. Which probably sounds a little mean, and not for nothing I do commend the crews insistence on using a practical set and effects where they could because honestly yeah, it does look awesome. And overall I do think the movies have pretty impressive visuals and the action sequences are a lot of fun but I don't think those things can really save these movies from the weaknesses that just come out of the script itself.

Now I'm not gonna lie it's been a hot minute since I watched these movies so I'm kinda going off my memory here. Could I have taken the time to rewatch them before answering this? Probably. But I didn't so here we go.

The Turtles:

I actually don't really hate their designs? I have a very vivid memory of people making a big stink about how they looked when the first movie came out back in 2014, although back then I wasn't a fan so it all just kinda went over my head. I'm still not a fan of them having lips as opposed to beaks but that's really the only part where I kinda draw the line. I weirdly kinda liked that they tower over all the humans and that their physicality matches just how strong they are in this movie. Their first fight scene is so chaotic because you can't see them yet (again, their ability to sneak around so effectively in spite of their size also adds to the impression they make) but enemies are just flying. Karai is quickly losing control of the situation, Foot Clan grunts are getting thrown into the walls and cracking the subway tile with the force with which they're thrown. The way the scene builds the anticipation for the reveal is really well done in my opinion. Do the turtles look like teenagers? No. Absolutely not. And admittedly this did give me a little bit of cognitive dissonance because I kinda kept forgetting that they are kids with the exception of a few scenes. But they do look like mutants so points for that I guess. And it's pretty cool to see what elements from these turtles seemed to end up carrying over to Rise and Mutant Mayhem. Stuff like the tech on Donnie's shell and his glasses. Raph's bandana, and the turtles wearing more clothes overall. The fact that they're purpose made science experiments this time rather than the result of an accident. Like as much as Bayverse gets kinda treated like the black sheep of the turtle iterations it would be unfair to say it had zero influence on what came after.

These turtles in particular are also really riding the coattails of the superhero movie genre back before we all got tired of it. I feel like unlike a lot of the other iterations-- and while TMNT does kinda fall under the superhero umbrella from their comic origins they also kind of originated their own specific subgenre within that that has a very specific... TMNT-ness to it if you know what I mean (i.e. street sharks, battle toads, gargoyles if you really squint)-- these versions of the turtles are more like straight up superheroes than any other version. They're literally bulletproof, they have super strength, speed, and agility. They can survive in hostile environments that would otherwise kill normal humans- really they might as well have slapped capes on them. There's also this weird cartoony-ness to them. Like they specifically operate on cartoon logic while the rest of the world still operates on regular real world logic. It does take me out of it a bit when it does happen.

As far as personalities go (and this is where my memory gets a bit foggy so bear with me here) Raph and Donnie stand out to me the most and I think that's because they both end up being really empathetic characters. The first movie actually kinda becomes Raph's movie and he gets a lot of screentime and character development. The second movie is definitely a bit more Leo focused but I think it's split a little more evenly overall between all of them. But Raph and Donnie are definitely my favorites in this version. Leo is a bit bland in my opinion. At least compared with other versions I've seen. Maybe on another rewatch I would reassess that but for now he just seems like he's kinda there. He's the leader and that's his job. (Again, the BTS video does more to explore his personality than I think the movies really do, so it's like, how did all this thought go into this for it to still not show through?) I feel like the writers just didn't know what to do with Mikey. He gets a bit more development and character in the second movie (the line delivery on the "we aren't monsters" scene comes to mind. Real gut punch every time) but in the first one he's unfortunately just kind of annoying.

Master Splinter:

Oh is Splinter here? Coulda fooled me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, his one purpose is to provide exposition and then exit the plot as quickly as possible when he is no longer useful. Yes he gets critically injured in the first movie and I feel like it's supposed to raise the stakes- it does not. I do not care about him even a little.

April O'Neil:

Okay I'm conflicted because I love Megan Fox and I really think she tried her best with what she was given to work with. The movie almost did a good- there was kind of a weird but self aware joke about April wanting to be a real journalist and pursue more hard hitting stories but the news network very obviously hired her to put her on television to objectify her and have her do puff pieces and boost their ratings because she's attractive. And I'm like "wow that's actually some really self aware commentary on how Megan Fox has been treated by the industry and by Michael Bay in particular it's really cool that they put that in a movie produced by him- oh nevermind there it is they're objectifying her for the rest of the movie." Which is really unfortunate because the way she plays this kind of more manic and slightly unhinged version of April who is maybe not super socially aware is very funny (cue April slapping a conspiracy board and presenting it as serious evidence to her boss). I think her having a connection to the turtles pre-mutation is a pretty cool play on their origin since usually after being dropped in the sewer they cease to have any connection to the kid that bought them from the pet store. But having April and the turtles remember each other is honestly kinda sweet. (Along with the fact that she gave them their names.)

Casey Jones;

Fuck that guy. That's not Casey Jones because Casey Jones is not a goddamn cop.

Vern:

Exists.

The Bad Guys:

Eric Sacks: Okay I haven't seen anyone else point this out but it's driving me nuts. Has anyone else noticed that this guy's origin story is just The Karate Kid but if he turned out evil? Like he tells the story and I literally had to pause the movie because it blew my mind that they just Did That. I was just going "that's just the plot of The Karate Kid. He just explained the plot of The Karate Kid in this movie as his origin story, they just stole it. AND IT"S THE FUCKING JAIDEN SMITH VERSION NO LESS WTF???" Like is it just me? Am I crazy? They fucking did this earnestly and it's driving me up the goddamn wall.

The Shredder: Motivations, what are those? Crime? Money? I guess? If someone could tell me what the hell this man's actual motivations and goals were in this movie I'd appreciate it because I have no idea. This character has zero personality, I can remember zero of his lines, his costume is dope as hell. I don't understand why he's here except that maybe the writers were contractually obligated to put him in the movie. He's literally The bad guy in all the turtleverse how is he so goddamn unmemorable in this movie??? And in the second one? Sir I feel like you should have more of a reaction to finding out extradimensional aliens are real than going "Okay we work for this guy now." and then proceed to tear apart the fabric of reality for him based on like a two minute conversation. What were you hoping to get out of this arrangement, I know the movie probably said it but like everything else that has to do with the antagonists I cannot remember.

Karai: Is here. I guess. Also just way too cool with learning that mutants and aliens are a thing, never reacts to anything. I'm sure she has lines in these movies, could I tell you anything she said or anything she did that would be indicitave of her having a character or a personality? Nope. She exists to be a henchwoman and that's about it.

Bebop and Rocksteady: Probably the only memorable villains in all of these movies, and that's only because they're funny.

General Krang: Why did they even bother dude. Disappointment.

Honestly after writing this I might go rewatch these movies, because this has just reminded me that their whole deal is kind of wild to be honest. And I probably could go on even more but this has already gotten pretty long. Thanks for the ask and I'm sorry it took so so long. But it was fun to do this kind of break down, and I kinda wanna do more in the future with other tmnt stuff, idk I'll see where that goes or not.

Thanks for reading <3

[nobodysdaydreams]

OH AM I GONNA HAVE SOME FUN WITH THIS IF I EVER HAVE THE TIME TO WRITE FANFIC

(Or my reaction to Episode 61 of Wolf359: Brave New World).

Well gang, we did it. We've reach the end. Sorry for how my reactions went from super spaced out to speed running the finale in a number of days, but I did warn you that I'm just sporadic like that. Though I have been semi-putting Brave New World off, because as much as I want to know how Wolf359 ends, I don't want it to end. I love these characters. I want good things for them. As much as I hate what they did, I wish that Hilbert and Maxwell had gotten the chance to get the redemption arc that Jacobi got. Hilbert had plenty of opportunities, but Maxwell was young and its not fair. I don't know how much more sadness they are gonna throw at me, but I'm guessing its a lot and I can't listen to it all in one sitting, so I'm just mentally preparing myself.

I also don't want this to end because I've loved giving you guys these reactions. Thank you all for reading my rambles and enjoying them. It means a lot to me, and I hope you were entertained. Thanks for coming on this journey with me, and please know that the second this is over, I am gonna figure out how to unblock the wolf359 tags (I did it so long ago I forgot how I did it, oopsie-daisy), and I am am gonna be reblogging and going crazy over all your posts and fanart and stuff so I hope you're ready for that.

Plus finishing the podcast also means it's time for me to deliver on those fics I promised y'all, which have been very carefully written (in my head). I will write them out eventually, but if there is anything my tmbs mutuals will tell you, my wolf359 mutuals, it's that my ideas tend to lead to other ideas, which means my fics do tend to be a little long, but (based on the reviews I've gotten) worth the read. So it might take a while to get them on AO3, but when I do, I hope you enjoy them!

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom @lovelyladylavie

Episode 61: Brave New World

The fact that Brave New World was written in 1932 and Cutter and Pryce are old and the fact that the message of Brave New World is about humans losing their humanity...already we're setting the stage.

And based on Kepler's earlier declaration, why do I suspect that this is the part where Doug's daughter's life and Minkowski's husband's life are finally on the line. I know Cutter and Pryce won't hesitate to aim their guns at them (and probably the rest of the planet too).

That moment when you can't tell if Wolf359 starts with sad piano music, or if this is just an ad for another podcast.

Oh it's the intro. Hi Hera! Or Miranda...oh wait I genuinely can't tell if this is Miranda talking about herself or Hera talking about her.

Clouded eyes, weak heart, child genius, orphan, no friends...I see. Obsessed with making things stronger and better. Yeah, except for herself I bet. Oh. She made her friends. Because she could control them. "Never left her behind, never talked back, never were afraid of her...except when she wanted them to be." "The one thing she couldn't fix was herself" see I called it!

Until? Oh no. Marcus.

And Old Man? Almost as clever as her? "Hello little girl. I want you to make a doll for me. You're very best doll. It must look like a real person, and sound like a real person, and be a real person." "And if I can?" "Then you and I will fix the world. I will be young and you will be whole and the world will finally be everything it could be. Everything it should be."

Okay. Thoughts.

When I made my jokes about Pryce being Cutter's evil science girlfriend, I was not assuming a romantic relationship, I was trying to use that language to insult Pryce and Cutter by making them sound like the kids they hate so much in a frivolous, juvenile and toxic relationship. Then, I was told by a few of you that given this assumption, it’s important that I know that I shouldn't assume that Pryce met Cutter when she was young based on this story and it was meant to be "fairytale language", which does make sense given that Cutter being willing to call Miranda his "work wife" when he's known her since she was young enough to be his granddaughter is incredibly creepy.

I appreciate the clarification, but also, I really don't think it matters whether this is hyperbole or not. If it is, then okay. Pryce and Cutter's relationship is still weird. If it's not, then Cutter's a creep, what a surprise. Tell me something I don't know.

"And so they did. And everyone lived happily ever after. The end."

The fact that it's Cutter that interrupts Miranda's story to give that closing line and declare this the end adds to the creepiness. Miranda says what Marcus's promise to her was, but never says whether she agreed before Marcus jumps in with "and so they did". Also, if Miranda was dying, Cutter was her only chance at survival. It also sounds like she was a kid with a pretty messed up view of the world. Doesn't excuse anything she did, but see Cutter? THAT is how you give a good sad backstory, and she did it in five minutes. You spent a whole hour with Nash just so you could cry that the government took your precious telescope.

--------------

"THAT'S the evil plan?" Care to fill us in Doug?

"That's THE plan, yes." Shut it Rachel. It's evil and you know it.

It's...so evil. And so...planned. Doug's words might be simple, Rachel, but sometimes simple is better. It gets to the point and cuts through the BS.

"It's real and it's happening" And ARE you happy about this Kepler? And why tell them?

Good question Kepler, why are you here? Please tell me you're going to take Rachel away.

"You're going to help" "of course I am" Are you Kepler? Oh please tell me he gets a redemption arc and betrays Cutter.

Does anyone want to fill ME in on the plan? No one? Okay. :(

"Where's the trust?" That's not for you, Rachel.

"I really don't like her" I don't either, Doug.

"What about Cutter's plan?" WHAT IS THE PLAN? WILL BOB AGREE TO IT? WHAT WILL WORK? WHAT WILL THEY DO?

We can't stop them, so let's see our families again. No, Minkowski, you can do this! I believe in you! You can't just go home, we have two hours left! That's plenty of time to stop them.

It's been a long...years.

I forget how long they've been up there. And that everyone on Earth believes they're dead.

And not do anything about WHAT? WHAT IS THE PLAN PLEASE FILL ME IN.

What was that sound?

-----------

Oh Doug is in the comms room. Oh yikes. It's okay, Doug. We've all broken very expensive lab equipment before.

"Living in a cuckoo clock" you have no idea, Doug.

"I wouldn't do that." Is that Pryce or Hera? And yeah why is there gas?

"Good boy" oh good it's Hera. Hera calls him good boy, Pryce just calls him boy.

"Who are you?" OH THIS IS DOUG MEETING HERA FOR THE FIRST TIME. At first I thought that Doug...forgot her? Or something? I was confused.

Ultraviolet halo? Contraband cigarettes. 😂

"Just ask. I'm here to help." Aw that was sweet.

-------------

Ew Rachel. I'm gonna start using "----" breaks to cut off sections.

"Actually he's in quite a lot of pain. Back to work." Always charming, Rachel.

"Thanks for saving our lives-" Kepler, that's a great question. What IS this? Where was the concern for brainwashed Jacobi or better still, WHERE WAS YOU CONCERN FOR MAXWELL? Or Jacobi dealing with her death?

"And do what? Get myself shot? Get you shot? No. I played the game." Was it worth it, Kepler?

"That's the lie you tell yourself. The truth? The truth is that you were afraid. And the only thing YOU did was try to save YOUR hide?"

Dang this dialogue is amazing.

"You're not wrong." "Which one?" "Both of you." This isn't YOUR conversation Rachel.

-----------

Momentary weakness?

Oh my gosh, the good food too? Why does Cutter hit so many show Curtain parallels? He might torture, enslave, and kill people, but he's gonna get them a good meal first.

Good for you Doug, turning down the wine. I'm proud of him.

This is a sweet moment between Doug and Lovelace. I gotta say, since I'll be reacting to this section by section, it's nice that they have it broken up a little like this so I can reach a section and then get to a stopping point if I need to.

I'm just worried about who is going to die. These conversations feel like goodbyes.

----------

Minkowski. I know you miss your husband. But...yeah, ARE you ready to go back?

YEAH WE'RE DOING THIS! To borrow from Eris's words: "Let's beat the bad guys 🥳"

----------

Quiet Rachel.

LET'S GO MINKOWSKI. WHO CARES WHAT CUTTER AND PRYCE WANT?

Wait. Destroy a whole species?

Are they talking about humans?

...are they ecofascists? Eugenicists? Pryce is literally disabled, how the heck...

"Only stay if you have to." Well, it sounds like you all have to.

"Hera what did you say to her" "Something a friend once said to me" 🥰🥰🥰

"I'm starting to think these guys are my kind of stupid" GO JACOBI!

"Adorable corpses 🥰" Rachel you suck!

"Come with us. You're still people, you're still on our side, even if you don't think you are." Very true. What do you think Pryce and Cutter will do to YOU when they have what they want? They'll dispose of you too.

"You're allowed to make mistakes as long as at some point you admit that they're mistakes!" "I was wrong and people died. All I can do is not be wrong again" "You knew what you were getting into" "No I didn't. I didn't know I was getting into mind control and reducing people to nothing. There's a line. And you're almost out of chances to get on the right side of it." PREACH!

"There is no line. Forwards. Always forwards." FORWARDS TO WHAT RACHEL? WHY HAS NO ONE SHOT HER YET?

"Thank you, Daniel, and goodbye." Oh so that's how it is. Goodbye Kepler. I look forward to your last minute sacrifice.

Character arcs woven like a quilt.

"We're going to crush them" Yeah, let's do it!

A full reboot? Worth the risk? That kind of stuff always worries me.

Is this Maxwell's notes? It's hard to recognize the voice on the recording. "She really was something special" Oh it is Maxwell.

----------

Ah. Another flashback! Jacobi meeting Maxwell.

Looks like Kepler got an important text.

"Cool stuff with robots" good work Maxwell. The best scientists can always dumb it down.

"The Whiskey speech" 😂

"You're one of the best. You're gonna do great things. It's the last nice thing you'll ever hear from me. Except: you need anything I got you're back. No matter what happens, I've got your back. I'll take you up on that." 😭💔

Oh it's okay. Take my heart. I didn't need it.

----------

"Are they going to do the smart thing?" "Well who are we to deny them an agonizing death?" Shut it Cutter.

They put a tracker on Jacobi? See I knew Rachel was a snake. So is Kepler, but at least he's gonna take a bullet for someone or something. My money's on Jacobi, but I could be wrong.

----------

Yep. Eiffel logs everything.

"I never got the chance to say I'm sorry. YOUR DAD LOVES YOU, YOUR DAD LOVES YOU SO MUCH." 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something. You can go so far. I wish I could be there to see it. I love you Ann. Always and forever."

AKJLS;DJFKL;SJF;ALSKDJFA;KD

Time to go? Oh. The comms room? Oh, right. Poor Doug.

"One more day, and then we're done." This is so sad.

Wait...what is happening? OH SHE LIED. SHE'S TAKING EIFFEL HOME TO PROTECT HIM. SO HE CAN SEE HIS DAUGHTER? DON'T DO THIS TO DOUG! DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

"Go home Eiffel, hug your daughter" OH HE CALLED HER RENEE!

This leaves me with so much feeling.

Eiffel can't leave he's the main character. Who will make pop culture references? Who will save the day through the power of random associations, luck, and good intentions?😭😭😭

I hate that they the bad guys know exactly what happened too.

"I'm so sick of this happening!" Use too Doug.

Oh "For god's sake just let me change the flight plan!" So that's what the F stands for. The lore I've been waiting for.

"People need to know what's coming?" Minkowski...I get why you did what you did, but HERA DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOODBYE.

----------

Is this Minkowski's flashback?

Oh when Minkowski met Hera.

"I heard units prefer to go by their serial numbers..." "I don't" Good for you Hera!

I love this. I love these flashbacks, but they just make everything so much more sad!

----------

Ah. More piano music. Does this mean we're back to the bad guys, or...?

Is this Cutter playing the piano?

"The Tempest. Do read a book sometime. Is this the best use of our time?" Pryce and Cutter are really the most toxic people.

"A storm is coming. And on the other side..." "Oh Brave New World." "That has such people in it."

Yes, Pryce and Cutter. People. As in humans. As in: NOT YOU.

"How have they decided to throw their lives away?" "By destroying the device"

WHAT DEVICE? What are you talking about?

Heck yeah a harpoon! I hope Cutter gets it.

----------

"This is Minkowski. I love schedules and musicals and that man who I married." 😂 1-2-3-4-5? It was a good guess Doug. Would have worked in my fanfic.

Okay here comes Victor...

...um what is happening? What is this?

...a surprise party? Sounds fun! 🪩🥳

Oh right, the bio tracker. I'm happy to see Jacobi pulled one over on him. Now shoot him! Please tell me that was Victor that got shot.

They...they trapped him in the room. "Tell me this before I kick your ass" Why on Earth would he ever tell you anything Victor?

----------

Okay, so they are blowing up Pryce and Cutter's evil device, but...what is the device? What ARE they doing? Did I miss it? I'm sure they're doing something to enslave or kill all of humanity, but I'd like the specifics.

"The Hephaestus has almost fallen out of the sky so many times, it's hard to believe it's happening." Well...the show isn't over until it's over.

Is this a Lovelace flashback? A date? A date with who? Oh, Hilbert. Not that kind of date then. Oh, this is her introducing Hilbert to the crew he's going to betray.

"Prudent to keep things formal" to avoid the guilt.

Selburg. Once again with the constant fake names. Dmitri. Matthew.

Though I think Miranda has always had hers.

----------

Yeah Doug. You've listened to her say it so many times. This is like me trying to drive in my hometown. No, I wasn't paying attention in the car as a kid, I was not the one doing the driving. I just zoned out and we got from point A to point B by magic.

Oh, Minkowski. "Get up and do it already. You can do it."

Yes you can Doug. You are the main character. You are the guy that's gonna swoop in at the last second when Cutter pulls one over one them. So you CAN do it. I believe in you, Eiffel.

"Victor Uniform Lemma Charlie Alpha November VULCAN" I knew it must stand for something! Good work Doug!

----------

Oh dear. More of Pryce and Cutter's marriage falling apart.

"Time to change the world." Or you could not. Maybe you could just not.

WHY IS THE DEVICE RUNNING? WHAT DEVICE? WHY DOES HE NEED TWO MINUTES?

Please explain this? Oh of course he has a speech.

Oh he's talking to the dear listeners, not the Hephaestus crew.

Ah. The Decima virus. Thanks a lot Hilbert. DEPLOY THROUGHOUT THE EARTH? He wants to cause a pandemic????

Automatic, can't be stopped, destruction of human race? But why would the aliens care? Oh because Cutter wants them to talk to HIM? But the aliens prefer Doug.

As do most others it would seem. Hurts, doesn't it, Cutter? All those years of experience and work, and yet, you still just can't have what he has, can you?

Ah. It's Bob. Did he just shock Bob? No temporal jumps, no disintegration?

"Remarkable and cold" No Bob, you saw Doug! It's just them. They don't need to be cold.

Willing to disrupt species survival??? What piece of tech do they want? Surrogates?

They want to fill the world with people they can control?

"You can't make duplicates of our species." Bob, they are worst than you can ever imagine.

"We're going to make better humans." "That is not the way that-" "Random part out of the equation" That's a bad idea. Do you know how evolution works? Do you know the negative side effects that have come out of selective breeding of animals? The unintended consequences? To quote Miranda from earlier in the episode: READ. A. BOOK.

"Our Humanity" Gross.

HOW ARE THEY ACCEPTABLE? IT'S MUSIC. WHY ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE FOR MUSIC?

Oh here is comes. Betraying Rachel and Warren.

OH TELL HIM BOB.

"Your brains can't handle it without modification. I cannot with my limitations. Do you have Doug Eiffel?"

Hahaha...hahahahahahaha....HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA..... 😂😂😂😂

Oh boy...oh Cutter is gonna snap. If only Doug had just kept going...

Oh wow okay Cutter has lost it. What happened to emotionally playing the piano and giving speeches about how the time had come?

oh geez no, Doug is back. Doug, no, they need you for the evil plans. This is a good idea, but very bad timing.

"He wouldn't" Oh he WOULD. He really really would.

Show 'em how it's done Dougie Boy!

"I'll get it" No you will NOT Miranda.

Kepler, now is a great time to betray Cutter and Rachel. A really good time.

Also is Victor dead? I'm trying to keep track of how many bad guys are gone.

----------

"You're the only person who can receive the data Pryce and Cutter want" Oh dear.

"With my life darling, with my life" 🥹💕

So what is Hera going to do?

"Lets make sure at least someone makes it through this" YOU ALL NEED TO MAKE IT.

"Let's go get our idiot back" That's the spirit baby!

----------

Oh dear. Jacobi. "Terrific for an SI-5." Wow.

"I'm gonna win!" I hope so Jacobi. But it sounds very not good.

Oh and here's Doug. And um...other Doug. Aka Bob.

Bob. Do not do this.

That was it? "You shall not call me again" "No Bob. I shall not."

THEY KILLED BOB.

"I hate loose ends"

I mean, I saw that coming, but dumb idea. I'm SURE Bob's family will be cool with that! Oh right, he just...recreates himself. But this has got to be trippy for Doug because Bob takes his form. Imagine watching a clone of yourself die.

"Pryce is not right?" DANG IT DOUG, I WAS GONNA USE THAT PUN IN MY FANFICTION AND NOW I CAN'T (WELL MAYBE I STILL WILL WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS HERE).

"Let's make a deal 🥰" Wow Pryce is the worst. Again, very trippy how much she sounds like Doug.

Wait. GOING IN? What does. What does "going in" mean? Don't go in, I don't like going in?

Ah yes. Going into someone's mind. I've done that in my fics before too. Fun stuff. And um...it's because you're disorganized Doug, I hate to tell you.

"That was...that was...that was..." OH SHE DESTROYED THE MEMORY. OH SHE TOOK THE MEMORY?

This is...horrifying. She could take his daughter away. She could take Hera, Minkowski, and everyone and everything away.

HERA! HECK YEAH!

Oh my gosh is she actually here? Like as a person?

This is everything.

----------

Ah yes, confrontation with Cutter.

Cutter has modified his body or he has a magic shield.

He can catch bullets? Of course he can.

I wouldn't try hand to hand combat either. I bet he gave himself super strength.

There has to be a weak spot. He has to have a weakness. But what could it be...

...what is the opposite of a chai latte?

----------

Ah. Back to Jacobi.

Kepler this would be a GREAT TIME to come in and get your arc. "I'm not a good guy" oh Jacobi. What's happening now? Oh has he been pretending to lose this fight to buy them time? What is happening? It's hard to tell.

----------

She's always been interesting, Pryce! You’re just noticing now.

"You don't look like me." Disappointed, Pryce? Sad that she’s better than you?

And the fact that all these AI want human forms...this is so sad. They structured them based on human consciousness so of course they want human bodies and experiences, that's just cruel.

Wait Doug got beat up in the 2nd grade? The Star Wars Prequels? "I might be okay without that one" No one tell him about the sequels 😂😂😂

"Of course you can. You can do anything." 💕

"You and what army, 214?" The sounds in this really makes the fight sound super epic. One of my favorite parts of the whole thing.

----------

Oh gross not Rachel again. Why is she still here?

And Kepler. Dude, you wanna hurry it up? Grab your arc or go, the clock is a-ticking.

"We're changing what humanity can be." you suck Rachel.

Pulse beacon, half power? What does that mean? The signal wouldn't have made it back to Earth?

"We have tell Mr. Cutter." "Do we?" KEPLER THIS IS IT!

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!

He gave you a chance, Rachel. He gave you a chance. "After all, I am still a person. I'm on Jacobi and Minkowski's side. Even if they don't think I am"

And even if they never know you were.

Is she gonna blast him out the airlock? Rachel, you're dying, it's over! You were wrong! The best thing to do is let him live!

He's literally drinking as he goes out the airlock. My...my wish came true. But this isn't how I wanted it to... why now? Why like this? 💔

It's a true sacrifice though. Because even though no one will ever know, he still did the right thing.

You became more than just a Whiskey Boy in the end Kepler. You became so much more.

Rachel, no so much. You were never anything. It doesn't matter if Warren was not as good as you. Because now you're both dead. And your life, well...you were never anyone. Or at least, you haven't been anything or anyone for a long, long, time. So be quiet now.

Silence at last.

----------

HOW CAN CUTTER GET HER TO POINT HER GUN AT MINKOWSKI? WHAT...WHAT DID THEY DO?

Well this isn't good.

Ah yes. Back to Jacobi. Looks like Kepler's not coming to save him. But at least he took care of Rachel.

Explosives? Fireworks? Oh this is a party! 🎆🎇🧨

Well that was a grand surprise party! But um...does this mean Victor and Jacobi are dead now?

Ah back to Lovelace and Minkowski!

"It's...side wave radiation!" Okay, thank you Cutter, now we know what we need to shut down.

"Humans who do exactly what we tell them to do" "You're crazy"

Yeah. He is literally crazy.

OH SHE SHOT HER??? Oh no....Oh no please tell me SOMEONE makes it out of this.

What really did happen the night of Doug's junior prom? Sounds interesting.

Fishing with Dad? Okay these memories are getting personal.

Wait, what did Doug do?

What are they going to do? Oh they could delete the memories Bob put in there. But they need to find them before Pryce.

----------

Shut up about the stomach wound Cutter. No one cares. This isn't rewriting a person. And THAT'S NOT WHY PEOPLE CARED ABOUT HER YOU IDIOT. And without your intelligence and tech, who. are. YOU, CUTTER?

Renee Minkowski! YES! Tell him!

Lovelace you can fight this. I know you can.

Shut it Cutter. No one cares.

"Sooner or later, you're gonna do as your told" And sooner or later, you are gonna lose everything, Cutter.

"You really think I'm afraid of you?" "THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS I DON'T NEED YOU TO BE"

Please tell me they have the harpoon gun.

IT WAS THE HARPOON GUN? OH HECK YEAH!

"That's...not...how...this is suppose to..."

Yes, it is Cutter. Like you said. You know how these stories end. The good guys win. They might lose a lot in the process, but, they win.

Is he dead now, like, for real dead? I don't want to celebrate too early but MAN what a way to go.

He and Rachel even died in similar ways to. It's like they short circuited when they realized they didn't win.

----------

Ah Pryce. "I don't need to beat you. No matter how much I want to, no matter how much you deserve it, it wouldn't change anything. What I need to do is make sure you're not going to hurt anyone else again ever." That's right!

"I'm not going to hurt you." OH SAY THE CLIP YOUR WINGS LINE COME ON COME ON COME ON.

"Clip your wings a little. Goodbye Dr. Pryce."

So...Hera's gone now. So what is about to happen?

Oh no. Is she...is she gonna delete both their memories?

"Bye bye to my memories?" Oh Doug, oh poor Doug. His daughter, everything...oh Doug this sacrifice will not be forgotten. 🫡 This is so Milligan coded of him (@/tmbs mutuals).

"You can't. Don't do this." "Oooo...sorry buddy, we gotta" YEAH THROW IT BACK AT HER EIFFEL!

And goodbye. I hope you have a second chance with your daughter. I hope you never remember the trauma. All a bad dream. All a bad dream.

"Do you have any idea what you've...I'm sorry...what was I saying...where...where am I?" Oh my gosh the way her voice changed...and she apologized. Oh my gosh. She's literally a new person.

So...memories gone? Where does this leave her? Oh this will be fun in fanfics. Imagine having no memories, and people are weird about it, and then finding out that before you were basically the worst person to ever exist. How would you even mentally cope with that?

"Yeah commander, it's going." No, Doug! Doug!

"It was an honor, sir" Oh this is so sad.

"Hera...Hera I...I..." You know Hera. You were in his mind. Please tell me you know.

Oh. He's gone. 💔

----------

WHY IS RACHEL BACK I THOUGHT WE TOOK CARE OF THAT?

Oh it's her and Eiffel meeting, okay.

"Are you just asking if I'm the commander? Yes." I love Minkowski and Doug's friendship.

"Never use one word when ten will do" oh Doug...never change. Even if your memories are gone, I hope you find yourself again.

He didn't know you couldn't smoke in space? Oh Doug...at least now you can quit.

----------

"Do I know you?" Yes Doug. Yes you do.

She's briefing him. He...he doesn't remember Star Wars???

Well. At least he gets to watch it all again!

Wait. What's happening to the station? Are they...are they going into the star?

Oh no. So it's up to the dear listeners to save them, or...they just die here. Heroes. Heroes that everyone on Earth thought were dead already.

Oh she's rebooting now.

"Should we be doing something?" Oh did Renee pass out?

So...is Doug on the ship alone without his memories? What's happening?

----------

Where is Renee now? Lovelace? Where? What? The Urania? How?

Did they leave Pryce on board? Did Jacobi get out?

Oh good Hera, Minkowksi, and Lovelace made it. Jacobi did it! Nice work, Jacobi. Oh gosh he's so dramatic 😂

So I assume Doug made it too?

"What about Kepler" "No." Oh so, they must have found Rachel and discovered what he did. "You can't save everyone I suppose"

But you did save him, Jacobi. You did save Whiskey Boy.

And then where is Doug?

Oh he's listening to himself.

"I was a jerk" There's a lot worse things you can be, Doug.

It does make you wonder. If you looked at your life with a blank slate, what would you think? How would you be kinder to yourself? How would you be more critical?

"Am I still that same person?" If you want to be, Doug. If you want to be.

And what happened to Pryce? Please tell me you did not give her to the dear listeners.

IS THIS PRYCE?

Oh Hera and Pryce. "Your voice is like mine, isn't it?" "Nice to meet you, Hera." Oh. Oh my gosh. Pryce calling her Hera.

"And I'm...I'm going to tell you a very, very long story about the two of us, okay?"

I hope this ends well...

...please be a good guy, Pryce.

----------

Hey guys. Guys. Quick question.

Why are there 10 minutes left?

I um...I like this ending. They're going back to Earth, all is well. Please tell me nothing bad happens.

What happened with Pryce? Hera hasn't glitched at all? She did it. She conquered her fear. GO HERA! But um...what about Pryce? Is she...is she good?

Minkowski needs to find her husband. And yeah...you guys have a lot to figure out.

Lovelace...yep. Take Goddard down. Good idea. Explain to your friends you're an alien with extended lifespan...might want to break that gently.

Take who out?

Oh the ship. Is this it? They're going home? Please tell me they're actually going home. Don't tease me like this.

Oh right, what will Hera do now? I'm sure you'll find something.

And yeah. Doug might not know who he is, but he knows there are people he should see. And then...he'll figure it out. They'll all figure it out. "Am I still Doug Eiffel? I'm not sure. Want to find out together?"

Yes. I love this. 🥰

I also love how it connects to "will I miss you, when you go away forever Doug?" Yes, but he's not gone Hera. He's not gone.

----------

Five minutes left. So...what is that for? Do we finally get to meet Doug's daughter and Minkowski's husband...or…

That was wolf359! Oh it’s just the credits!

Great ending. But...wait. No wait. I'm confused hang on.

How did Jacobi escape from Victor to get the Urania? How is Hera going to survive on Earth? How did they fix those wounds? If the Hephaestus went into the star...

Wait. These aren't more alien copies are they? Oh wait, no Hera's here, sorry y'all I panicked for a moment. They duplicate human lives, but as far as I know, not AI. Also, if this was a happy dream sequence, why would Pryce be there? Okay, phew, we're good. We're...finally good.

And even if they are alien copies...the process will take 14,000 years. So. For the rest of their lives, at least. Especially since...they're still using Lovelace to spy on Earth. For the next 14,000 years. But I guess that’s a problem for future generations.

Okay. Great ending. Thoughts:

Cutter got what he deserved. So did Rachel, but I feel a bit sadder that she never realized the pointlessness of her life until it was too late (and really not even then). Also love that Cutter's original last name was "Newman" since he keeps making himself into "new men".

Kepler's sacrifice was great no notes. I hope he enjoyed the Whiskey.

Blessie should have come back, and in fanfic, I will find a way to make this happen.

Eris should have come back, and in fanfic, I will find a way to make this happen.

Are the Dear Listeners just going to leave Earth alone now? If the Hephaestus went into the star...does that mean they can make Rachel and Cutter copies? Because I don't like that...

I love that the aliens weren't the biggest threat in the end and Cutter was always the real monster.

Is Pryce cool now? She doesn't want revenge, does she? Like what do you even do with her at that point? (I have plans for this, don't worry).

How do they dismantle or repurpose Goddard? Cutter probably has guys still loyal to him on Earth or people who are gonna try to be the next Cutter now that he's out of the picture. How do you deal with them?

Okay...so the decima virus can be used for great good and great evil. Cutter apparently had stations with it set up all over the Earth. I hope no one stumble across one of those anytime soon. What exactly are they going to do about decima? It's still swimming about in Eiffel's blood.

Is Minkowski's journalist husband going to blow this case wide open? I hope that after her brief phone call with his secretary, Cutter didn't kill him to keep the rumors from spreading.

Will the families of all the other astronauts that died ever get closure? I know we don't want this getting out and causing panic, but they deserve answers too.

When. Is. The. Empty. Man. Going. To. Show. Up???? /j /It was Cutter the whole time because he has no humanity

Well that was fun. Again, the fanfic will probably take a good long while (I put off a lot in order to listen to this ending), but I look forward to mapping it out.

Once again, thank you all for listening along with me. This has been fun.

Now, to figure out how to unblock those pesky tags...

[fatuismooches]

SMOOOCHES!! Hii my lovely dove!! ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ʚ🍓ɞ

Okay okay! I know I’m flooding your inbox again but I have some fluff! (With angst) so if you don’t mind! —Okay I just have to say that soft Dottore is <3 especially since he’s cold and serious all the time (and doing evil man things) so him being soft for his lover could make me cry!! (especially since although he may have a soft spot for you him actually being full blown soft is like once in a blue moon) Okay okay so! Dottore most likely takes a few weeks or maybe more than a month to make new medication for Fragile!Reader whenever his last prototype fails. And with it I’m sure he gets frustrated, of course never to sweet little you. But, at times these medications he makes can have their side effects. Which is why Dottore almost always supervises you himself whenever he injects you with these medications. Since well, your fragile body sometimes may reject them, or lead to you on some occasions feeling fatigued or nauseated. So usually when you do receive a new medication you find yourself in his lab for most of the day. Always having to inform him how you’re feeling and if something feels off. Zandik of course is always keeping a keen eye on you even if he might be busy with some experiment. As one moment you can be talking about some fun thing you had done with the clones a few days ago, and the next you could be vomiting or worse, faint. So to say that Zandik isn’t concerned about you is an understatement. He really wishes he didn’t have to experiment new medications on you every few weeks or so to hopefully cure your illness. (He has injected at times some of his “patients” with the medication he’d use before giving it to you, but since your body is frail and weak the outcomes are always much different than compared to a regular healthy person) but Zandik would definitely let you sit on his lap while he works. Since he knows you’re very very vulnerable in this state. Which he doesn’t mind (as much as he hates to admit it Dottore is quite possessive over you) and he’ll even gently caress your hair with his free hand while the other writes away. So although you may feel yucky and absolutely exhausted. Zandik tries his best to alleviate your pain. Since you always say that being near him or being held by him makes you feel 1000% better. (Which he knows may not be true in actuality, but he just wants to make his lover happy) ૮꒰ྀི⊃´ ꒳ `⊂ྀི꒱ა

But I hope you enjoy this brainrot I thought of this at like 12 AM at midnight since the power in our neighborhood was out for a whole 2 hours this past Sunday. It was kinda creepy seeing all the houses and streetlights have no lights turned on. The heat was unbearable Ꮚ ᵒ̴̶̷̥ ‸ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥ Ꮚ but I hope you’re doing absolutely wonderful! I love u so so much I give you so many hugs and chu chus!! I just wanna squeeze n cuddle u smooches !!! >< may you have an absolutely wonderful week and continue enjoying the rest of your summer!

-From your dear boo boo 🎐 anon! ໒꒰ྀིᵔ ᵕ ᵔ ꒱ྀི১

🎐 ANON BACK AGAIN WITH THE BEST BRAINROTS!!!

I am happily consuming soft Dottore, thank you for this sm 😭 (soft dot has been on my mind lately, I'm just. I need him to cuddle me) You’re so right, if he isn’t being serious, he’s being cunning or mocking too, so seeing him being actually genuine with his love for you!! Is so! <33 You can’t help but feel special because you’re the only person who will ever witness him like this!

It’s kind of funny actually. Dottore, the mad doctor, spending this much time on a cure. Helpful medicine. Everyone else would guess that instead he’s concocting poisons and injections to hurt others with (which they aren’t wrong) but they would never guess he’s carrying out genuine doctor things. Which he honestly couldn’t blame them for. If anyone saw how softly he acted with you, well… either they’d be dead, or he’ll never live it down if it was one of the Harbingers.

You dread taking new medications or getting shots, but you can’t help but feel you owe it to Zandik. You know how hard he works on these things, only for them to not work. His expression remains the same but you know he feels disappointed every time nothing seems to change in your condition. At the very least, you have a good amount of time to finally hang around him uninterrupted. Archon knows how challenging it is to be a Harbinger’s spouse, much less Dottore’s, with his schedule and lack of time. And to have his undivided attention on you? Phew.

Being treated by him so softly is enough to make you swoon!! But too bad you feel too tired to do that, so you have to opt for snuggling into his chest on his lap (which is arguably more comfy than your bed.) Feeling his gloved hand stroke your hair along with the soothing sound of pen against paper is far more relaxing than you thought it’d be. It felt like you could sleep for hours. Seeing him so concerned about your needs was so <3 to you, even though you felt crappy and down, he still wanted to be in your company and comfort you too <3

Omfg I love this crazy psycho doctor man so much. He would be so good with you too, he would have all the necessary equipment and such when you start to show certain side effects, already have his bed prepared for you to nap in if you get tired. He has many notebooks dedicated to you and how your condition, mental and physical, has changed over the countless years, he even has a section for new things he noticed about you and certain things you told him that he found amusing. Of course the lengths he would go to for you is limitless and he’d have some unwilling test subjects ready for whatever batch of medicine he’s working on next 🚶‍♀️(This is a little hc I thought of literally just now, but I was thinking, since he’s a doctor and all, he probably draws diagrams of the body every now and then, so what if he doodles you sometimes ;( he finds himself drawing your hand with your wedding ring on it!!)

I’m so sorry about your power! I would be so scared, I hope you’re okay now 💖 I am doing fine, I hope you are too my dear boo boo 🎐 anon 🫶🥰 GIVING YOU MORE HUGS AND KISSES SMOOCH!!! ILY!! ENJOY YOUR WEEK TOO!! As for me, I just hope I’m able to move around this summer. Whenever it’s hot, all my energy is sapped out of my body lol🧍‍♀️

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

.

.

.

KNOX!!!!!

Okay, so, confession. In the show, Cole is my least favorite character (not including the villains). I don't hate him and I have a lot of story ideas for him, but I just ...

Movie Cole, however, and fanfiction Movie Cole (still don't like him as much as Kai, Zane and Lloyd) but I like him, I genuinely like him and I love how you portray his character and his struggles, his strengths and weaknesses, it's beautiful and I love it.

.

Okay, so I've been waiting to see what Jay would do since his talk with Pixal because yeah, the story is very Kai centered in its perspective which means that Jay kind of faded into the background on Kai's radar and in turn he also began fading into the background for people who always had him as their top three people to care for. That said, it's really cool to see Jay take the lead when it comes to caring for other people's emotional struggles while also not ignoring his own struggles and making himself heard.

.

Zane with Kai's jacket ... this is adorable.

.

Skylor really is in a bad place mentally, emotionally, literally. Please tell me Chen gets punched in the face at least once (once by every person who cares for Kai - yes this includes Skylor, she cares she just has a hard time showing it properly).

.

Thank you for the wonderful chapter, it was well worth the wait.

RAAAA MASSIVE COMPLIMENT TO BE ABLE TO WRITE A CHARACTER UR NOT TOTALLY A FAN OF AND LOWKEY MAKE YA ENJOY THEM YESSSSSSSS I AM WINNINGNGLS;DKMFLSMDF

Watch Jay be the most emotionally mature person here real-- WHEEZE ngl i struggle with writing jay sometimes cause i tend to have the habit of toning him down? it's in character for movie jay but show jay is just so blunt and chatty and loud and very opinionated and i wanted to start pulling more of that into how i write him ;-; and also bro wouldn't let the chapter continue until he'd said his piece so that was hilarious to figure out while trying to write hLGJDF

The jacket has been stolen real- </3 will Kai ever get it back? bro i dunno but he's got Cole's old hoodie tho so equivalent exchange ig--

Skylor sure be having an interesting time finding out Kai ran away from his soulmates too. Cause that's new info for her! She didn't know that! And yeah she's doing her best in a crappy sitution and her best isn't the greatest. Alas, no punches for Chen :pensive_emoji: ...well, unless i snuck one in there for ya, ngl i might hmhm i'll think about it mate

Thanks for the ask and ur thoughts!! I really enjoy reading peoples thoughts on my story and writing (specifically tHe positive stuff i ain't even gonna pretend hLG;KSDF boost my ego--) Happy it was worth the wait!!! <333

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

MAGGIE I DONT KNOW HOW YOU DO IT 😭😭😭😭 CHAPTER 7 HAS GOT ME SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP 😭😭😭

I need to share my thoughts if that’s okay

-I didn’t realise aegon was older, I think because I read fics of him as his character age it didn’t register that he was older (this is a good thing because holy shit…. holy shit!!)

-I nearly threw a cup when Aemond asked Io to cut her hair. I honestly hope she doesn’t. Like how dare he ask her to do that after everything she’s done through. My baby

-Ludwika (apologies for my bad spelling?) is my hero. Love her. Let her live a long happy life

-that elevator scene… Maggie how do you write so beautifully?? Genuinely asking??? Your work is phenomenal because it’s so realistic and deep, you write in a way that makes the all pain, the thoughts, the feelings so vivid (sorry to be emotional lol) but it’s so true, your work is incredible, truly beautiful.

-I love the slow burn, I love how your building this relationship with aegon, like it’s so nice to see their relationship blooming. How they’ve gone from despising each other to wanting each other is just incredible. I genuinely cannot wait for them to get together (and I’m already imagining their nice little future together teaching kids math and English and music and just having a lovely old time 🥰🤗)

Okay just realised how long this was so I apologise. But please know I absolutely👏🏻freaking👏🏻LOVE this!! It makes my Sunday’s so much better!! I cannot wait for the next chapter 🥹🫶🏻

Bestie I am so so so thankful for you and your love for this series!! Never ever apologize because I adore reading your comments, I probably enjoy it even more than you enjoy the chapter itself lolololol

I am clearly telling on myself here but I am SO WEAK for a chubby middle-aged Aegon, like sir 😍😍 But I also think it adds to his dynamic with Io, because in many ways she is objectively more intelligent, responsible, and accomplished than Aegon, but there's a side to him that is unexpectedly wise and protective when she needs him to be, in part because he has a lot more life experience. Also she loves his dad bod. She is down bad her short king 🥰👑

Aegon and Io have come a LONG way since Chapter 1 when they were basically telling each other to drop dead! The chemistry (and trust) is growing ever-stronger, but is there any way for these two to truly be together??? It's a quandary... 👀 And the future of the nation is at stake!! And don't forget poor Daeron too!!

As much as y'all already hate Aemond, he might just have a few more tricks up his sleeve... 👀👀👀

Stay tuned for a very special phone call in Chapter 8 🥰💜😉☎️

[starfleetwitch]

20 Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tag @technicallywrite

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

93,749

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Holby City (Berena)

Doctor who / UNIT (Kate Stewart, Sarah Jane Smith, Ace, Tegan and Osgood)

Worst Witch (Miss Hardbroom)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Still Beating

The Gift

Happy Anniversary

Happy New Year Mrs and Mrs Wolfe

Operation: Steal your girl

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do my very best because I appreciate every single one of them!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Its probably a toss up between Hush Little Baby , Happy Anniversary and The Ghost of Tomorrow

However, I am on the very CUSP of posting a new fic that even I'm like 'Oh my god... do you just dead ass hate happiness?' 😂

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'm genuinely looking through my fics like... Omg I really do hate happiness. But alas, it was between The Gift and She's Not You and I feel like She's Not You wins because you technically had to read through trauma before it got there

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on fics no. I once got hate on artwork though. The commenter said I should be ashamed and what would Elisabeth Sladen's family think about the fact I'd drawn Sarah Jane kissing another woman... Jokes on the commenter though cause Elisabeth Sladen's IRL daughter recently posted the artwork in question on her instagram because she was basically like HECK YEAH, GO FOR IT MUM! 😂

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Me? Write smut? I don't even... I... WHAT IS SMUT?

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I'm currently writing a long ass fic that crosses over with SEVERAL fandoms within the Jemma Redgrave Multiverse just so I can make a 'We don't talk about Bruno' reference

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Technically yes but it was never published. I DID illustrate fics for a couple of people though!

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Berena... with a side order of Kate Stewart just getting her some from anyone and everyone apparently. Womans been through a lot man... she just needs herself some comfort.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The multiverse fic with the we dont talk about Bruno reference 😂

Nah for real I'm gonna say Still Beating. Bernies been bleeding out on the trauma unit floor for 4 years now, maybe more. Even if I DO get round to finishing it, it wont be what I wanted it to be. I had a lot of avenues to go down with the ex husband being involved in her treatment and recovery and now I've lost a bit of heart in it that I might cut that section out.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh. I... don't know. I don't know if I actually have any, I just write.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes I compare myself to other writers and I get really frustrated when I cant write poetically like them. When I read their work I really FEEL an emotional connection. I read slowly just to savour the words because they're so delicious and I'd LOVE to know how to do write like that.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If it calls for it... ok? I don't understand the question. I didn't know this was an issue I needed to have thoughts on.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

1998 Worst Witch. I started as I meant to go on. Inflicting trauma on my favs with no real plan to bring them out of it 😂

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oh don't make me choose my favourite child! I enjoyed writing Still Beating but I'm gonna say Operation: Steal your girl cause I just had SO MUCH FUN with it and the comments make me believe others also had fun reading it 😂

RIGHT! On to the taggy tags: @akaanonymouth @seahorsepencils @ktlsyrtis @colourmestoked04 @defo-not-sfw

[noaltbruh]

Congrats on 200 followers!!! <3 😊💭🍫 for Giorno and Fugo pls?

Thank you! :>

Link to main event

😊 Do they like to be vulnerable around their S/O? Or do they always try to show them their best side no matter what?

No, Giorno despises the thought of being vulnerable. Don't take this the wrong way, please, it's not that he doesn't trust you, he really really does.

He's just...Scared. He struggles a lot with abandonment issues and has a lot of attachment issues as well. This boy is convinced that if he cannot always be perfect, if he can't live up to the majestic-like aura that surrounds him...You'll leave.

He wouldn't hate you if you did, he'd just...Blame himself and believe that it's his fault if things turned out like that. Through kindness and understanding, you might be able to show him that this isn't going to happen, although it'll take time for him to show you his "weak" side too.

But it will be worth it, I promise.

~~~~~~

Fugo dislikes beings vulnerable too, although his reasons are a bit different from Giorno's. He is afraid of losing his partner for sure, but he mainly acts like this because...He doesn't exactly like himself very much.

Thus, he's convinced that if he showed you his true feelings, you'd either end up hurt, scared or weirded out by who he really is. He's not very good at hiding his worries though, and it pains you to see him walking on eggshells around you, when he doesn't need to.

He will be surprised if you were to encourage him to open up more, do you...Not like him even at his best? He won't be able not to express his true feelings for much longer though, especially after what you said, since he can get quite emotional. When that happens, stay by his side and remind him that you don't think less of him for this.

💭 How do they imagine their future with their S/O to be like?

Giorno often finds himself thinking about his future with you. He wants to make sure that everything is programmed and he always thinks ahead of things.

With that being said, he likes to imagine that the two of you would live outside the city, but not too far way, in a huge, elegant villa just for you.

You wouldn't be forced to work if you don't want to, since his job could easily provide for both of you, but he would always support you in any career path you might decide to take on.

He knows that he won't always be by your side, which is why, in his idealistic view, you would spend every minute he's not busy together. All he knows for sure, however, is that he wants a future where you're safe and happy.

~~~~~~~

I have a feeling Fugo would also reflect a lot on the future of your relationship. The thing is...Him, being an overtinker, probably ends up imagining all the worst case scenarios known to existence, even when perhaps he was just planning on thinking about what kind of house he'd like to live in.

However, when these...Ideas don't get in the way, I can't help but think that this boy simply dreams of spending the rest of his life with you in peace, in calmness and quietness, enjoying small things like reading a book together on a Sunday Morning, while cuddling in bed.

I have a feeling he'd prefer to retire to the countryside where there are less noises and things are a bit simpler. But most of all, he wishes for a life where his anger issues don't get in the way of your relationship, and you genuinely believe that he's a good husband.

🍫 Are they more reserved about their feelings or wear their hearts on their sleeves?

Giorno? Wearing his heart on his sleeves? That's one funny joke for sure.

Absolutely not. It's not that he doesn't want to show you how much he loves you, but he's been taught that showing feelings, any type, is a weakness. He may also appear a bit cold public due to living in fear of someone noticing you're a couple and using it to black mail him or, even worse, hurt you.

So, if the two of you are with other people, he may do little gestures like perhaps holding your hand or giving you a small kiss on your lips, but nothing more. In private things will be a bit better and he'll let some walls down, but still, not entirely.

H

He prefers to be smooth and court you rather than explicitly tells you how or what he's feeling. Wouldn't he be come off as too cheesy or desperate if he did? It's better to be passive, still making sure you get the message and don't feel like he doesn't love you.

~~~~~~

Ok, Fugo desperately wants you to understand how much you really mean to him, he's just...Incredibly bad and awkward at showing it he's just like me fr. He's a smart boy, but very dense when it comes to feelings and emotions, especially considering that he gets shy quite often actually.

He wants to hold eye contact with you, yet sometimes finds himself just looking away no matter what. He tries to use a pickup line or compliment you, but probably messes up the order of the words. Heck, maybe he just means to smile at you, but it somehow doesn't look genuine.

He definitely beats himself up for this and probably practises in front of the mirror for what he's going to do or say before one of your dates. He doesn't know how to "speak with his heart" but he's trying to improve as fast as he can. He's an an amateur with relationships, but he thinks that learning to express himself for you will be of great help to his inner self as well.

[noodyl-blasstal]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by: @holdmecloser-gandydancer thank you very much! Tagging: @cataztrophi, @sugarberryandtea, @aeivyen, @taakosleftshoe (and anyone else who would like to take part! I'm so sorry if I forgot anyone who hasn't already been tagged.)

1. How many works do you have on A03? 40 (thanks to taznc for the recent boost!)!

2. What's your total A03 word count? 185,442! That's more than I thought it would be. Bloody hell. It's been a busy year and a half!!

3. What fandoms do you write for? Mostly TAZ but I do occasionally write Jainshine for Naddpod

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? Scamming Me Scamming You, Astrology for Horse Jugglers, Taako Deserves a Sword, Star-Blast-o-Mania, Excuses Excuses.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I will usually because I really appreciate people taking time leave a comment (they genuinely bring me such joy and they're not that common so they're a real treat!) and want to thank them.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't really know if any of mine are that anxty at the end, but the anxtiest overall is probably 10 Years Ago Today.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I think pretty much everything does to be honest, but probably I PhDo (Blupjeans Week 2023)?

8. Do you get hate on fics? I haven't and I'd love for that to continue

9. Do you write smut? I have some in a few things I'm working on but I'm not quite there yet.

10. Do you write crossovers? I haven't yet, I'm not sure I'd be very good.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not as far as I know

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Also not as far as I know

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I've got a few in progress with Larissa! (We're time poor, but slowly chugging along and they're a delight to write with.) I really enjoy writing with other people, getting to bounce off someone is a lot of fun.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship? I think it's gotta be Taakitz. Although I also love Jainshine.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Hmmmm, I'd like to be optimistic and think I'll finish all of them at some point, but maybe a Blupjeans one where Barry's on holiday by accident. It's been a while since I touched it.

16. What are your writing strengths? Errrmmmmm. You have to know I am crushed by crippling self doubt at all times. I've had some very kind compliments about writing the twins bickering, so that. Also I like coming up with stupid storylines, so probably rolling in the ridiculous.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Getting bogged down, not accidentalling sliding into the wrong tense, actually writing the damn thing...

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I occasionally write a little Gaelg, I think it's nice to add a bit in!

19. First fandom you wrote for? TAZ! It was actually @blupjeansweek which got me started!

20. Favourite fic you've ever written? This is tricky, I think it might be Astrology for Horse Jugglers, but I also loved writing The Lady in the Lake and I'm very fond of my still-in-progress library AU (I'll finish it one day...)

[sneakydraws]

incredibly dumb question (and bit nsfw) pls feel free to ignore; I've just realised reading war and peace just fried my remaining brain cells: if topping anatole just made andrey worse, do you think ever bottoming would fix him or? I was thinking it'd make him even worse but idk one should never doubt the healing powers of a prostate orgasm ig

ANON YOU *LITERALLY* HAVE NO IDEA HOW CORRECT YOU ARE IN ASKING THAT QUESTION. JOURNEY WITH ME BELOW THE CUT TO HEAR MY EXTENSIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT ANDREI BOLKONSKYS SEX LIFE (spoilers i actually go more in depth about my interpretation of andreis psychological issues than ever but you have to get through the stupid sex stuff first. Sorry. Also I'm finishing writing this at the airport at seven am after not a lot of sleep so I take no responsibility for how coherent it may or may not be)

Ok I cannot emphasise enough that. Part of my initial take on Andrei (and a partial basis for my andretole au) was LITERALLY "guy who needs to get fucked but is too full of toxic masculinity to let anyone top him". Like, it's 1805 and everyone is obsessed with ancient Greece, they probably just started unpacking ancient Greek ideas about homosexuality, someone as proud, misogynistic and self-possessed as Andrei would absolutely see bottoming as some sort of shameful dishonour, if only subconsciously. (But like, if mercury was in Gatorade and the heavens collided and Pierre actually realised one day that Andrei has the hots for him and offered to top, Andrei would agree in a heartbeat because the thirst is even stronger than the internalised homophobia)

But silly sex headcanons aside I do think there's genuine psychology going on here so let me elaborate. I think Andrei is chronically incapable of being vulnerable with people. Even when making an effort to talk openly about his emotions (like in his first one on one with Pierre), he's very distanced from them, cold and disdainful. He talks about emotions but doesn't exhibit them. And if strong emotions of any kind threaten to get the better of him, he defaults to anger - see his anger at Lise in the same scene, his anger at Pierre after his refusal by Natasha and again before borodino - probably because anger feels easier and doesn't imply weakness like other emotions - sorrow, fear, regret - might. I mean in that scene after Natasha's refusal the narration openly states that Andrei hates being pitied... So like, if he can't bear to be vulnerable with others in life, how could he possibly do so in bed, right?

(Though I suppose it's not as clear cut as that because hatefucking Anatole IS a sign of weakness and feeling ashamed of it is also a sign of weakness and anatole's refusal to be bothered by it reminds Andrei of that fact every single day. He just can't win! Can't have shit in 1805 Russia!!)

All this being said, it's equally as important to my understanding of Andrei that he does WANT and even NEED to be vulnerable with someone. He wants to be able to trust and respect someone enough to lean on them and rely on them for comfort. I think that his extreme self-reliance and internal strength belie a deep-seated desire to have someone in his life who will render those traits unnecessary. Hold on I just realised Andrei has mommy issues uhh

In all seriousness tho. This is why those relationships Andrei tries to build fail, isn't it? He doesn't approach those people as equals, he wants them to be his superiors. Natasha can't just be a girl whose company he enjoys, she has to be his angel of rejuvenation and moral redemption. Speransky can't just be a man whom he respects, he has to be this flawlessly committed and morally upstanding reformer. And when he dares act like an imperfect human being, Andrei is totally turned off. His relationship with Pierre is actually probably the healthiest precisely because of its internal contradictions - he cherishes Pierre's earnestness and artlessness, but sees his naiveté and weak will, and therefore doesn't build him up to such an impossible standard of perfection as others.

(This actually contrasts in an interesting way with Pierre's (imo) final and most important transformation - that into someone who can acknowledge people's flaws and love them, without judgement or delusion. Very Christlike of him)

So um tldr. Yes Andrei SHOULD bottom (slash not be such a dom slash be vulnerable with anyone) and it WOULD fix him but also he'd need to already BE fixed for it to ever be on the table so like. F. He'll have to make do with blowing anatole's back out and hating himself for it, and count himself lucky that my stupid au gives him that much

[spring-demonx]

Made it Through Charade Maniacs (finally)

I think it might be due to the repetative-ness of the prologue and having to skip a bunch just to get to the route, or maybe the route order I followed (Iochi>Banjo>Akase>Ebana>Futami>Chigasaki>Gyobu>Dazai>Haiji)

I started losing motivation to play and just wanted to move on to the next game I wanted to play. Maybe because I was only really interested in 2 or 3 of all the LI's? I genuinely couldn't care as much for the rest, but also wanted to know the truth what was going on, so I tried pushing through regardless〒▽〒 I couldn't buy into some of the romances either since it just felt too much of an afterthought in some cases on how to handle it? I don't blame though, the main plot really is to investigate and figure out how to make it out, really. But still;;

The true end didn't start as I feel it usually goes, with players having to start again from the menu once more. It was new and I didn't know what to expect, and I only realised that was the true end/The Truth™️ until I had finished everything, lol. I love how they gave valid points as to how each cast member is suspicious, and showing darker and more serious sides to them. Really kept mel guessing who the Producer and Sponsor were!

Ebana

Ebana's route I couldn't care for because I just didn't like his character enough to even pay attention and just skipped majority tbh. Though, I did manage to read some key info anyways.

Futami

WTF EVEN WAS THIS?? That was a dumpsterfire, and I was SO relieved that even Iochi was fed up with the MC, bc even for how naive or overly-trusting she is, she was absolute stupid and in denial even after everything that happened right in front of her. I'm glad it showed he wasn't willing to change through to the end, but I still hated and cringed at the "romantic" scenes bc I just personally could not get into it. Futami fans, you can gladly have himXD

Tomose

Honestly thought I was going to enjoy this since sucker for childhood friend trope, but this was not it for me

Dude literally forced himself on her (thank gods MC actually did smth and slapped him, much deserved)

I can do obsessive and yandere type characters, but this was just annoying and made me so frustrated for many reasons

Iochi

Enjoyed the storyline, didn't see the twist coming

The intimate/romantic scenes were very nice and had me blushing kjfksd

I love they never got answers or tried to categorise or make focus of Iochi's gender. It was very refreshing for these characters

the epilogue had me going "That's it?!" though, bc it rlly just feels like they skip a bunch just to exposition dump in these epislogues sometimes

Gyobu

I knew I'd love him, I was right. I loved him even MORE in his route, even in Dazai's (was that guy even present at all in his route?)

I loved his design most besides Iochi's. WE WERE ROBBED OF MORE PONYTAIL

He's so cute when he becomes all bashful

actually considers and works with (on equal stance) with MC and respects that she wants to trust others. "You do the trusting. Leave me the doubting". Other LI's tend to really chastise her (I don't entirely blame them, but they tend to completely shut her down)

I love his dynamic with MC, love that he's the multi-faceted characters who goes after the truth solo

I like his moto that 'the more you doubt, the more trustworthy you are' type thing

Dazai

Where to start? It felt like he wasn't around the heroine much in his own route. Gyobu appeared more and it made me miss him ToT

I get what they were trying to do, with the "we already had a pre-established (non-romantic) relationship together" thing, but there was just so few moments of bonding or anything to buy into

Was interested in seeing why he seems to be fan fav, he might just not be my cup of tea bc it was just...ok¯\_(ツ)_/¯

WHAT IS WITH THE STUPID GOLDFISH THING😭 That felt like that was supposed to be the most emotional bond moment for them, but it just felt so weak (and silly. like, "WHY should I care?") imo

Please actually SHOW there's emotional connection in these scenes? It's like, I know there's supposed to be because that's what's being told. But I felt none and it was practically only the same moment they kept bringing up over and over again, like they didn't anything else.

I would have liked to see more of Dazai's unrequited love, build more reason for me to care about the stakes and get invested in the pair

Haiji

Kinda obvious he wasn't actually kid bc they kept bringing up the whole "he looks too old to be" to not have any importance

I did not expect the direction it went

Chigasaki

This was a sweet route, I was interested in the character and why he's so apologetic and what exactly he feels guilty for

I slightly spoiled myselt from r/otomegames, liked how it went regardless

HIS HAIRSTYLE BACK IN THE ORIGINAL WORLD IS CUTE AND HE LOOKS AMAZING

I want to give this man a hug. He needs it, and deserves them all

Akase

Voiced by Saito Soma, how can you dislike?

I liked his energy

Felt a little OOC in a route or two

I honestly can't remember much from his route atm

His love for family and stuff very sweet

Really felt his hatred and anger w/ said family situation