#i do also know that a number of my symptoms do fall in line with a number of cluster b and c shit

[sighing-and-all]

i thjnk im going to explode

[centrally-unplanned]

Saw this really cool post of a 1982 "SF" (Science fiction but in Japan that included things like anime, manga, tokusatsu, etc at the time) magazine that did a survey of active fan groups/circles at the time - ~woo, precious data! Lets see what we got:

Love to see a good gender breakdown - as is often the case in these things, while it is of course majority men the number of women participating is very strong. You do notice the age imbalance there - many women in their teens and college-aged, but it drops off quickly. I suspect that this is primarily because this survey is right in the middle of the first wave of the "pop SF boom", where more approachable works like Gundam and new manga subgenres were rapidly growing the community. So the older cadre was more heavily men, while the new group is more balanced. However, this is the early 1980's - it might just be that when a woman graduates college she was expected to marry and "settle down" still, inhibiting participation in these kinds of groups. I think it is primarily the former, Japan had pretty rapidly changed in the 1970's and female creative types were commonplace by then, but I won't pretend the latter players no role.

The writing on this page just contextualizes the piece, not much to report, though it does note that "3 people replied 'other' for gender...as a joke!" Sure, jan!

Anyway, on to page 2, what is our poll question of the day...

ロリコンについてどう思いますか? What do you think about lolicon?

....*siiiiiighs* guys I didn't, I didn't look at the second page before typing this up! I just wanted to report the gender data! This just happens to me, I swear -_-

But I can't back out now I guess:

It actually splits the question by gender - men are asked "are you a lolicon" while women are asked "what do you think of guys who are lolicon" - sexists, way to erase the female lolicon. Not actually joking there, it is a quite a thing due to its overlap with rape and dubcon fetishes - but I won't pretend I have expertise on the prevalence of that in 1982 Japan's SF community, even if it you see it today. Anyway, most men are not lolicons (the tallest line), though others fall on a spectrum from interested to "graduated", certainly a choice of words one could make.

Funnily a good dozen say they are called that by others, but not themselves - I believe that is related to the vague line between loli & shoujo aesthetics at the time. Which is important to emphasize, as I always do on this topic - sometimes the word lolicon just means "youthful" or "cute", sometimes it means like high schoolers, and sometimes it means real-deal underage stuff, and you won't know without context.

Meanwhile two women label lolicon men as "cute!", good for those two living their truth, while others are broadly tolerant but have Opinions. Which is fun, because the rest of the page is people sharing said opinions, sorted into "good" or "bad"! Some choice ones:

★ It's a symptom of modern civilization’s sick parts, but also an inevitable phenomenon. It’s better than having a rabbit or cat complex. Don’t lay hands on young girls. Lolicon must remain platonic. (♂/19/)

You see this theme a bit, "symptom of modernity", the new sexual fetishes are a product of a changing world. Certainly up for debate, but also very "in vogue" for the 80's & 90's to worry about that sort of declinist narrative. Then again, guy is a catgirl and bunnygirl hater, not sure we should listen to their shit taste.

On the flip side you get the "natural way of things" types, of which this is my favourite:

★ There’s nothing abnormal about having a dream involving an uncontrollable urge towards pre-teens. Even Romeo and Juliet would have made Romeo a lolicon given Juliet’s age (14), but people don’t think of it that way. Only at that age can girls love and respect men without ulterior motives. (♂/19/)

That last line, you are telling me so much about you with that one!! You can see how this is discourse, right? Like if one side says you are a "symptom of modernity" you ofc respond with "this is how all guys are" and with callbacks to traditional culture.

The "bad" side has a lot of ruthless condemnation, with more than one call for the lolicons to simply die or labelling them worthless scum. The magazine's writers do try to keep the tone breezy but I do think this topic being actually contentious in the community pokes through here. Though this serious one really did undercut herself a bit at the end:

★ I can understand why one person of the same gender might feel admiration or affection for a child or young girl, but for a man to only be able to love much younger women? That’s a mental illness! If they aren’t willing to fix themselves, they might as well die. They’re enemies of women. It's not going to turn out like Nabokov's Lolita. (♀/20s/)

I mean they did also kill jesus Humbert Humbert in Lolita. that was a pretty significant thing that happened. like i understand where you’re coming from here but they very much did kill the Lolita guy.

There is an editorial at the end, and it echoes something one of the comments also states; that the lolicon boom was seen as coming from "hard" SF fans, the people who did the really nerdy stuff. There is a word they use actually which is neat: 根暗/Nekura, meaning someone with a "gloomy root". It began seeing use as a slang for hyper-serious, boorish people in the late 1970's and became a fad to use in precisely 1982 - here is a live record of that! They associate "hard SF" fans with these sort of gloomy types who can't take a joke or appreciate hanging out with the buds at a bar, that kind of thing. From there, and here I am reading between the lines, these fans like a sort of "idealistically sterile" world, and lolicon as a preference (in comparison to Real Adult Women) flows naturally.

I mention this because astute readers might be going "oh, like otaku?" and that word was only just buzzing around at this time - it is typically dated to 1983. The editorial writers note that these nekura-types are nowadays proud of that fact, wearing it like an identity:

A: I’m not really sure why, I don’t fully understand the inner workings of the SF world, but it’s like, out there, hardcore SF fans are considered gloomy. Maybe that’s why there’s this connection to lolicon? B: But surprisingly, everyone’s actually pretty cheerful. In today’s world, the 'dark and gloomy tribe' is trendy. It’s like they’re enjoying calling themselves gloomy, almost as a fashion statement.

So yeah, I can totally see proto-otaku discourse going on at the edges here.

There is a third page but it continues in a similar vein. A bunch of mentions of Hideo Azuma, who I am growing increasingly convinced was more of a lodestone for the lolicon boom than is currently appreciated - he is the ur-reference everyone makes. More discussion of girls in sailor uniforms as a gateway drug, yeah yeah, "is fine as long as its fiction", of course of course, one of the magazine editors remarking he wants "a wife for practical uses but a daughter as a pet" yeah okay we can call it we're done here, no more survey data anyway.

Not the topic I expected to find, but still this is really valuable "primary source data" - you can't trust the literary class fully on these things, having first hand quotes from community members on otaku culture in the era is always valuable.

Sorry if you got tricked into reading this - in my defense I did too!

[media-illiterate]

PSYKER HEADCANONS: FREE TO A GOOD HOME!

I wrote these out a while ago for my own use, and never posted them. But, as some people expressed interest, HERE THEY ARE! I'm gonna put them below a read more, because there's a lot of them. I have more on other psychic weirdness that I might post if people are interested in these.

(A reminder: Psykers are canon. There were psykers in fallout 1.)

Psykers - who often refer to themselves as Gifted - are individuals with strange powers and abilities – gifts* – that defy rational scientific explanation. Although they existed in small numbers before the war, psykers have become much more common since the bombs fell.

Psykers are fairly rare. Generally there's only a handful of psykers in any given geographic area, and they tend to stay on the move for their own safety. Many hide their nature for fear of being captured for study by high-tech groups such as the BOS or the Institute. 

Gifts broadly fall into two categories: Projective and Receptive. Projective gifts include things that have external effects, like telekinesis, telepathy, pyrokinesis, etcetera. Receptive gifts are more internal, like precognition, psi-empathy, etc. Some gifts, like dream-walking and bio-pk, straddle the line.

Psykers typically have a mix of projective and receptive gifts, but usually with a stronger affinity for one than the other. Really powerful projectives tend to have minor receptive gifts, and visa-versa. Being a psyker does come with free ESP, though.

Most psykers acknowledge that the sources and natures of their gifts are extremely varied: prenatal exposure to FEV and/or radiation, extended parental contact with psi-phenomena, genetics, and simple random mutation are all common explanations of a psyker’s origin.

Many psyker’s gifts are latent/dormant, and the individual doesn’t consciously experience anything unusual. Latent gifts can awaken any number of ways, with physical or mental trauma and exposure to psychic phenomena being common triggers. For some, it seems truly random.

Overusing a gift causes “Burnout”. Symptoms vary widely; sudden change in blood pressure,  heart rate, and body temperature are common, with purely neurological symptoms being rare but not unknown. Burnout can be deadly if a gift is pushed too far, especially for very strong psykers.

Receptive psykers are notably more common than projective psykers. Pykers with powerful projective gifts are rarer, and tend to be significantly more vulnerable to fatal burnout, but are not so rare as to be surprising. (I.E. How many serious athletes do you know?)

Receptive psykers are also more prone to advertise their gift (usually in return for caps) due to their intangible and thus easily dismissable nature. Projective types tend to be quiet about their Gifts for their own peace and safety, though some revel in the fear and awe they invoke.

Psykers tend to have really intense eyes, regardless of color. A psyker making eye contact tends to feel noticeably more… direct than normal. Especially if said psyker has psi-empathy or telepathy, in which case it can feel downright intrusive, like they’re inside your head.

Non-psykers can usually sense the use of a psyker’s gift indirectly. Someone standing near a telekinetic might feel their hair stand on end, while someone near a precognitive might feel watched. Regardless, strong gifts create a strong sensation of power and tension when in use. 

Psykers stand out to other psykers. When they get close enough they can just feel them on the edge of their perception: more there than everyone else, almost like they’re backlit. Distance varies with sensitivity, but two psykers would usually sense one other across a crowded street.

Psykers have an aura, influenced by their powers and personalities, visible to other psykers when they use their abilities, as well as in dreams. Psykers can also literally sense what other psykers are doing with their powers, especially projective gifts.

Extended contact (physical or mental) with a Psyker (especially one with poor control) or any class of psychic presence can result in… weirdness. This effect is typically non-physical, involving things like accidental dreamwalking and development of low-level esp. Often called “Uncanny” by true psykers, these individuals occupy a strange place between the mundane and the preternatural.

There are only two instances of Psyker powers being successfully suppressed, neither of which has proven replicable: Jack Cabot’s Abramelin-Field and the Master’s Psychic Nullifier. These methods were either developed by a psyker (the Master) or by an individual directly influenced by one (Cabot).

Only one Nullifier still exists, currently in possession of a psyker known as “the Forecaster” in the Mojave wasteland. Its development was possible only due to the Master’s inhuman intellect and innate Gifts; all attempts by the Vault dweller to even comprehend the mechanisms underlying the device’s operation ultimately failed, and the Brotherhood couldn’t find empirical evidence that it did anything at all.

Jack Cabot’s Abramelin-Field is only applicable to one entity: his father Lorenzo Cabot… or the entity inhabiting his body, at least. Although the field causes distress in other psykers (feelings of being smothered/blinded) it doesn’t stop them from using their powers. Jack’s studies have suggested it only suppresses his father’s connection to the crown rather than impacting its powers directly.

[neixins]

idk if you have already made a post about this but could you please elaborate on your hc that gija has pots id love to hear more about it

ngl i was just gonna sprinkle the headcanon into my fic and let that speak for itself because i didn’t think anyone would care about it, but now that u asked…. (smiles beatifically) <3

first, i wanna note that i actually headcanon gija as having both pots and heds, and i’m fully basing this on my own experiences so i’m gonna talk about both conditions in a more rambly manner instead of going through a checklist of symptoms or smth like that. i’ll do my best to keep it somewhat organized though!! also i gotta put this thing under the cut because i ended up having. so much to say

starting with the most obvious: gija faints A Lot. like i didn’t crunch the numbers on this or anything but i feel reasonably confident claiming that he’s shown feeling faint or fully passing out more often than anyone else in the series. just off the top of my head, there’s chapters 16, 18, 41, 95/96, 143, 147 (and given how badly injured he is during the xing arc, i wouldn’t be surprised if he lost consciousness off-page too), 182… and obviously many of these instances occur when he’s injured/exhausted, but the others get hurt and push themselves too hard as well and they’re not fainting nearly as often.

the author’s note in ch 116 and the fanbook both point out that he’s not good at pacing himself and that he has a tendency to pass out, and the former also mentions that dragon warriors are often sickly (historical fantasy speak for disabled) as a result of their powers. also, on that note, both pots and heds can be caused by physical trauma, like let’s say, getting slashed by your deadbeat father’s dragon claws as an infant perhaps…. but let’s put a pin in that for now!

gija’s stamina is notably Bad, as jaeha points out in ch 95 (jaeha why are u paying such close attention to another man’s stamina? 🤔 anyway, gija’s also the first to fall ill in that chapter, which points to him having a weaker immune system), and gija himself says in ch 18 that he’s not especially strong, with the obvious exception of his dragon arm, and the thing is. he cares so so so much about being useful so admitting to something like that, especially so early in the series, really stuck out to me. his stats in the fanbook also support this. aside from his arm strength, all his other stats related to physical strength are average and lower than the other dragon warriors’ and hak’s. zeno’s partially an exception for obvious reasons but here are the stats for arm strength, leg strength, and stamina, respectively (the fanbook includes other fun stats too but those aren’t relevant rn): gija ∞/3/3; hak 5/5/5; jaeha 5/∞/4; sinha 4/4/4; zeno 1/2/∞. gija’s stats are actually closer to yona’s (2/3/3) and su-won’s (who is notably Canonically Disabled; 4/3/3).

the endnotes in vol 43 also mention that he has fairly small wrists which. is just so very heds-coded of him if i do say so myself. (side note no.1: and all of this is why i’ve been saying that after losing his dragon arm, gija should learn to use a knife!!! it’s a light weapon, he’s already used to close combat, AND it would be a chance to deliver on the “let’s train your left hand” line because while jaeha primarily uses throwing knives, he does appear to carry other types of knives too which means he knows how to use them!! kusanagi if u can hear me……)

let’s go back to the fainting for a bit, because i really want to focus on the moments in chapters 41 and 143 since those don’t have an overt trigger like, say, ch 147 where all of the dragon warriors faint from burning up too much energy, but i find them very interesting. in ch 41, gija’s the only one to pass out after taking the love potion, and he in general has a stronger reaction to it (like yeah gija blushes easily but he looks downright feverish after taking it), which to me points to the love potion triggering a flareup (which is kinda funny considering his comment in ch 16 about how his granny and the other villagers kept him from getting sick. put a pin in that as well btw). as for ch 143, yes he’s already injured at that point, but he literally stands up, exerts what should not be excessive amounts of energy by his own standards, and almost immediately gets dizzy and at the very least gets close to fainting (though i’m inclined to think he did actually faint considering how jaeha’s holding him up a few panels later). (side note no.2: if u pay close attention, the blocking in that scene implies that he stumbled back towards jaeha to lean on him before fainting. love is real <3)

also everyone should know by now that i have never and will never buy into the whole gija has/had a crush on yona interpretation (on account of the blatant homosexuality on display whenever he’s on page. and also the age gap. and also their interactions simply don’t read that way to me. he’s ride-or-die for her gbf style <3) so the jokes like the one in ch 52 about his heart hurting genuinely just read like tachycardia to me. i’m willing to accept that the dragon blood is a factor but. that’s just tachycardia. someone please make him sit down.

some other observations:

he’s the only one shown to get dizzy from tracking the other dragons (ch 26. which to be fair is partially jaeha’s fault, but jaeha’s also implied to be using the same ability to keep track of the other dragons and he isn’t affected).

in ch 155 his neck is still visibly bruised, while we don’t see any injuries on jaeha, even though they both sustained similar injuries from the same weapon at the same time, and delayed wound healing is common with eds.

this is more of a silly observation but in ch 19 he falls asleep sitting with his knees pulled up and all i can say is. so real so true.

he’s a total lightweight and a picky eater, which i get is supposed to portray how sheltered he was (though there’s no way there was no alcohol at those feasts he mentions…) but it could also be a result of intolerance to alcohol and certain foods that trigger flareups (it could also be a texture thing).

he looks incredibly exhausted for a portion of the hot springs chapter. like i know he’s being tormented by The Spider but he looks Unwell…. speaking of hot springs, hot baths/showers generally make pots worse but it depends on the person so gija enjoying hot springs doesn’t necessarily go against my headcanon. but i am jealous of him.

now back to those pins!! my interpretation is that gija probably started experiencing symptoms at a very young age, to the point where he wouldn’t really think to bring it up to his granny or anyone else because he wouldn’t think it was a big deal. also, lest we forget, gija doesn’t take his own wellbeing especially seriously, and he’s way more inclined to act like a dying dog when he’s not feeling well instead of drawing attention to himself and worrying or inconveniencing anyone. but it’s also possible that everyone in his village was aware of it, which would add an extra element to how much they dote on him; i’m just leaning more towards the former option because i think gija would be more aware of his limits if he had a gaggle of village elders constantly warning him not to overexert himself. and the “kept me from getting sick” line to me feels like it’s referring to acute illnesses, which, yeah i can totally buy that he didn’t get sick much in that sense, considering how dedicated everyone was to looking after him.

the final thing i wanna say is that i find his dragon arm to be such an effective metaphor for hypermobility because like. yeah he can do cool shit with it but it also impacts his health, which mirrors the sort of cool-party-trick/yeowch double-edged sword of hypermobility.

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

Part One

Hey Cap!!

I hope your doing well <3

Sorry this took so long! Due to how long PN is there’s a chance I won’t go as in depth with each chapter as usual, there is, however, every chance I’ll ignore that and go crazy. We shall see what happens! (spoiler, i ignored it0

Chapters covered: Origins (1), and Origins (2)

Questions are numbered and in bold. 

Onto the insanity! 

[— — —]

It’s always very nostalgic to go back to the start :3 

You’ve obviously improved leaps and bounds in writing so it is in a noticeably different style at the start but it’s still fantastic. 

The first line just highlights that this won’t be the usual story falling into tropes and using cliches as a crutch for everything. I think it’s fantastic. I’m not sure whether it was intentional, but the fact that it focuses on the mundane and says “But this wasn’t the story she’d chosen to be in. This was simply one she was a part of.” is just- perfect. 

For Juleka and the story you tell as a whole. Like, yes, the superhero and magical aspect is essential for the framework of the story, but unlike usual it is not glorified or the most important thing to Juleka. 

Idk man I just love it :)) Especially because Juleka already sidelines herself in her own story. I love the way that she isn’t aware that she is the main character in like her own life? She idolises ladybug and believes she blends into the background and just- she doesn’t believe she is a focal point for anyone. Until she gets to be Panthera of course. 

Don’t worry, I’ll go into her relationship with her own identity, i just think I should move onto actually commenting on the current story rather than rambling on :3

I do like how Luka and Anarka are mentioned immediately, it excellently shows how she lives and who’s important to her in a natural way. 

I think the only other long haul fic I’ve read (not written by you, Cap) which focussed on Juleka was Powers of Invisibility by yestomiraculous, and as much as I adore it even that sometimes felt like it was more a vehicle to talk about other characters? 

Question 1: I’ve kinda just assumed you’ve read Powers of Invisibility, but I’m curious if you actually have? The way you write Juleka is very fun, but I’m curious if you have any fics you’ve pulled inspiration from for that too )

Whether it was a symptom of Juleka at heart being someone who observes rather than interjects or because that was the intention I don’t know. What I’m getting at is that I think you balance Juleka’s character really bloody well in this. Yes, she constantly feels invisible and is critical of herself and is observant, but she also has her own stuff going on? 

Whenever it does feel like Juleka is just floating, observing other people feels very intentional, like in princess prom when she just watches Adam dance with Rose. Sorry I will go on a lot of tangents in this i have so many thoughts on Panthera, ranging from the intricacies to the plot at large. 

Oh I love that we see Marinette and Fu nearly getting run over from Juleka’s perspective, the way that her guilt about freezing up and not helping pushes her later? Amazing. Plus, how much her internal monologue over analyses things and assumes the worst is so much fun. 

AAAA YOU BASTARD. Sorry, what I meant to say was; Of course you managed to have Juleka put Marinette on a pedestal in the first chapter. “Juleka could only see Marinette as incredible brave, a hero.” toxic yuri ladynoire is one of my favourite things about this fic, but I never realised you’d established it right at the start!! 

Of course she immediately turned to criticising herself Juleka girly please. There is this thing called the bystander effect I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it-

The way that she has unrealistic expectations of perfection for herself while simultaneously believing she is not worthy of so much… we love a contradictory character. 

Fits for a cat tbh, they’re contrarian. Everyone (minus Adama (and Roger) think Juleka is like so nice and lovely and yet-

I need to stop going on a rant or i’ll never finish this. 

Help not the way Juleka was all doom and gloom but as soon as she spoke to Rose she was like “oh hey maybe today won’t suck” 

Love the little POV change to briefly show why Adrien doesn’t choose to help Fu, I’ve always liked that. Even though it’s simple it’s better than leaving us to wonder what changed. 

Adore that the main thing she mentions about Adrien is a) he’s shorter than expected, and b) she admires him because she also wants to be a model. 

Not the way you contrasted Adrien and Juleka here, Adrien quickly forgot about Fu being collapsed on the pavement but Juleka is being consumed by it. 

Tidbit of Chloe being a better person in this story, I do like that Juleka acknowledges what she’s seeing (Chloe being nervously protective of Adrien) and then dismisses it to fit the narrative of what she knows.

Here he is! Stoneheart! I do like how Juleka obviously does think it’s a little bit cool but is also in a right panic about everyone being safe. 

Question 2: Does Luka go to school? Like. i don’t think he does in the show it’s a bit unclear, it doesn’t matter anyway. I'm curious about what his deal is in Panthera.

Yippee!! Juleka saves Fu!! And will becoming irrevocably traumatised due to this!!

Question 3: If this isn’t too spoilery, what is Fu’s method for choosing miraculous holders? Is it literally just playing the good samaritan story from the bible or is there more behind the scenes for who he targets? (and why is it always a teenager??) 

I can’t tell if Fu actually didn’t notice Juleka not helping before or if he just says that to make her feel better. However, Juleka apologising to a stranger because she feels it’s morally wrong not to even though she struggled to speak to a long time classmate? Love it. 

I LOVE ANARKA MY SILLY. I READ OUT HER LINES ALOUD YIPPEE

Question 4: Do you remember why you chose to give Anarka a scottish accent? If so, what where your reasons and was it this was from the start?

First; cute that Juleka and Rose texted to check on each other (and that she’s Rose <3 in her contacts), second; Rose you neek why are you stuttering over text. I can’t remember if we ever get shown what Rose has Juleka as in her contacts but i’m sure it’s something sickeningly sweet. 

Juleka would chicken out about sending a heart. Tbh i find that so funny cause I do the same thing about crushes but to my friends I send <3 and call them silly names all the time it’s prolly more noticeable not to lmao

Plagg!! Stinky cheese cat!! He’s such a good character in this fr, he’s a good balance of a menace while also acting as a wonderful friend, confidant, and guiding figure for Juleka

Plagg is so overwhelming for realsies, you can’t just drop that you had blackbeard as a pirate. He’s such an interesting person in history but now all I can imagine is a pirate hat with cat ears while his suit makes it look like his beards on fire. Kinda want to see that design now… that’d go hard. 

Tbh if i was told by some alien looking cat that i was about to be a superhero i’d freak out too, there are so many unknown variables fr

THIS IS SO MUCH PRESSURE TO PUT ON A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. WHY AREN’T ADULTS DOING THIS. 

Juleka and her saviours complex are great and all but the poor thing doesn’t need all that. 

The fact that she continues just to everyone and her brother but not because she wants this… i do love that that’s a consistent thing for her characterisation you usually see the hero character wanting to do it for them instead of solely focussing on the safety of others? Idk i’m explaining this badly but I like her motivations fr

I’ll forever be mad about the unbalanced abilities in miraculous, i’m so glad you gave the black cat another ability to at least match the amount given to the ladybug but it’s just such a frustrating part of the show. 

WHOOO FIRST APPEARANCE OF PANTHERA

The masking and inferiority complex towards herself go crazy fr. Ah, ye old Panthera design I thank it for its service of inspiring this whole fic but I will always love your new designs for any and all miraculous heroes Cap they go so hard. 

No way she calls Ladybug familiar- 

Question 5: How does the glamour situation work over in PN? Like, we see Juleka break through it to figure out Marinette, but we are also currently watching her fight with it about knowing who Rena Rouge is. If it’s not in spoiler territory I’d love to know some of the inner workings :3 

Love how self conscious Marinette is at first and how Juleka is the one directing the conversation (and the way she is freaking out about doing it she’s so real). The dichotomy of how they both see each other as the collected trustworthy superhero while never mentioning it goes crazy. 

I believe you write from Marinette’s POv a couple times but i’m not sure, the fact that she sees Panthera as the put together one goes crazy 

The way that Juleka calls Ladybug partner throughout the story… it’s perfect i love it. And that Marinette calls her kitty, oh oh!! New question. 

Question 6: Ladynoire obviously does not happen in this, but both in universe it has been hinted at (the date and Marinette saying “we just speedran dating” that line lives in my head rent free) and in asks you’ve said the story could have gone that way. What I’m getting at is; did Marinette ever have a crush on Panthera (knowingly or not) and would you be willing to briefly get into that here? 

I will always go crazy over Juleka being the bouncy enthusiastic one when transformed, you’ve said it was originally a joke and then you realised how sad it could get and I’m SO glad you went the sad route. Lighthearted ladynoire vibes in the season one rewrite will always be so cute to read back though

The way Juleka keeps freaking out internally over athletic feats is so good, i love this aspect we get in writing which you can’t really get in tv shows without a super imposed internal monologue which feels unnatural most of the time.

RAAA THE WAY YOU EMPHASISE THAT BOTH SUPERHEROS ARE ESSENTIAL IN THE FIRST FIGHT IS SO GOOD

Juleka freaking out about hissing and being smarmy and all that is so much fun to read. 

Juleka saying “We’re fucked” after seeing the scuba suit is iconic. She has literally zero faith at the start-

No!!! I get so sad when Juleka spirals while Ladybug is getting questioned by Alya about everything. So glad you made her also ask Juleka questions fr.

YOO?? I was going to bring up how she hadn’t referred to herself as Panthera once during this but she did at the end there after she had been validated by an outside source (alya being curious). Obviously she refers to Panthera as a separate entity even in her head later on, which makes me crazy but we’ll get there when we get there but I’ll totally pay attention to whether she’s calling herself Juleka or Panthera and in what situation she’s doing that in. 

It’s a small detail but i’ve found those fun to play around with in writing. 

HEY HANG ON HEYHEYEHYE

NO YOU DIDN’T OMG

Ok so i never registered that you wrote “This wasn’t just superheroes and villains. This was more, she could feel it. She could only ask. What’s going on…” and like?? This is such a huge thing Juleka focusses on in this? 

Like how she takes their work seriously in a different way to Marinette because she sees it as a genuine threat both during the akuma and out of it because of how emotions are targeted and how she resorts to simple violence whereas Marinette will use a complex plan. This is like tangentially related to how Marinette has her black and white thinking vibes (superheros and villains) while Juleka just sees people, people in different situations and how that changes her perception of their actions and-

Sorry i’m not sure if all this makes sense i just kinda went crazy. 

[— — —]

Second chapter!!

I do enjoy how Juleka almost told Ladybug to use the cure but social anxiety-d her way out of it. Hammering home her regret by giving Luka a hidden sprained leg is devious. I like him in this btw he’s just a silly guy who is essential to Juleka’s mental health and has his own stuff going on :3

Plagg not getting much Camembert in this is so tragic for him, the fact that he accepts string cheese from Juleka anyway just proves he’s a softie fr

I do love how we just get told in show that the Couffaines live on a boat and that Anarka acts like a pirate and we just. Get no further explanation. I like to think it’s something about dodging taxes

Plagg encouraging Juleka to be a model just so she can fund his fondness for Camembert- 

For some reason it’s that which made me think about how insane it would be for Juleka to balance a job on top of all this. Plus I feel like she’d totally end up with a Model Juleka mask too furthering her identity crisis stuff

I like how you had someone mention a family member being hospitalised by Stoneheart, sometimes it feels like the impact of being the first Akuma (and the only one which wasn’t cured) isn’t given enough attention. 

The fact that Ivan went to school the day after is insane fr but it needs to happen for the plot. 

People gotta be proper scared of him cause as far as they’re aware he is the villain.

Hey I’ve just realised that Juleka starts her whole “understanding the motivation for an Akuma can be the key to helping the person” thing right here when she goes up to talk to Ivan, that’s awesome I never made that connection before

Alya explaining that she just couldn’t think of a blog name including both of the heroes is a good detail, I know it was just a symptom of Ladybug being the protagonist in MLB but it was still a bit weird it was just called the ladyblog

I like that Chloe has a reason why she’s being a bitch; Stoneheart broke Roger’s arm so she’s getting back at him for that. Well, it doesn’t excuse how she approached it but a reason is better than an unprompted attack

Annnnd Panthera’s back woop!!

Hmm, you wrote “Juleka’s ears perked up as she heard Chloe’s shrill voice scream.” and it got me wondering;

Question 7: Do the miraculous give other abilities other than elevated strength, endurance, reflexes, and magical stuff? Like can Juleka hear stuff better when transformed? Or another example would be having better night vision? If so would these side effects continue into her untransformed self? As I know you’ve said her ‘claws’ and ‘slitted eyes’ and all that described when not transformed is actually just her being an unreliable narrator but side effects are always cool :3

Tbh the fact that an Akuma just multiplies when it’s not purified is insane like why the fuck does it do that? This isn’t an actual question, but it’s so crazy to me that if they missed literally any other Akuma they could’ve had like three million Dark Cupid’s running amuck.

Roger sucks man, why did he want to shoot at the Akuma holding a civilian??

Juleka not even registering how right after she’d ‘realised’ that she wasn’t cut out for hero work she reassured Ladybug for feeling the exact same way is so her. Like girl why are you allowed to have self doubt but no one else is??

Panthera’s speech about how they can do it… amazing moment. I’m sure Marinette was so very straight and normal about it whenever she thinks back to it. 

Ladybug this is a terrible plan. Her plans are always crazy. The fact that they work is even more crazy. I can’t wait to see whatever you replace Reflecta Two with and see Julekas lucky charm leading to incredible violence or a therapy session (there’s no in between) while Marinette just gapes in the background. 

“Another dream would be modeling.. But she could never do that.. If heroism was her path, she wouldn’t regret it.” JULEKA YOU ARE FALLING OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER GET IT TOGETHER 

And. hm. I don’t think Juleka ever regrets heroism but she definitely doesn’t like it much. The whole people being in danger and constantly having to fight and put herself in danger bit I mean, not the saving people bit.

Also i think this is a badass scene even though Juleka is ruminating as she falls from a great height lmao, the imagery of her diving after the Akuma and everything is so wonderful :3

Real of Ivan to question why they know his name. Marinette sucks at pretending she doesn’t know people fr

“I should keep the hair off my face.. Maybe I’ll be less recognizable.” Girl you're not Clark Kent the only reason no one knows is because of the glamour fr. but also. She kinda would be unrecognisable wouldn’t she.

Hang on. 

Question 8: So, before Juleka finds out Ladybug’s identity, it is hinted at that she will through multiple instances of her being “familiar” or knowing something she shouldn’t. Has Rose ever felt the same way about Panthera? As in; “She feels familiar, like I know her…” or is this spoilers? You know I’ll always be rabid for hints at a reveal between them, or anyone outside of Luka and Anarka finding out.

RAHHH JUST AS I SAY THAT JULEKA ASKS IF SHE SHOULD TELL ROSE AT SOME POINT I FORGOR THIS HAPPENED

YGBF4HNIRJECUDWOMSQIK

Sorry

Oh you’ll tell her when you defeat him will you?? Cap I won’t survive. I’ll simply be deceased. I must see the aftermath of the reveal. So much happened between Rose and Panthera and it reveals a whole side of Juleka she kept secret and-

There is simply too much opportunity to make it upsetting for you to pass up. Not that I think Rose would, idk, cast Juleka aside for her dishonesty or something equally dramatic, but the feelings!! They’ll be so big and she’ll have so many questions!!

Juleka is literally so loyal girl what “I trust ladybug” YOU JUST MET HER!! I love it but also girl! Trust yourself some more! Actually if she did at this point it’d feel out of character (i think her beef with master fu is one of the only examples her trusting her gut) 

Fr i can’t wait for Panthera to not defer to Ladybug or disagree in season 4 i’m actually going to go insane when that happens. In my live reaction to that chapter i’ll literally decompose or something.

I LOVE THE IMAGERY AT THE END. BTW. PUSHING HER HAIR BACK OVER HER EYES BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHO SHE IS. IT MAKES ME CRAZY. 

[— — —]

P.S. I’ve been smiling the whole time reading this, just thinking about reading more and getting to my favourite moment’s is making me all giddy, thank you for sharing your stories Cap they’re fantastic and you’re incredible for writing them :3

P.P.S. For some reason this one is about 1.5 times the length of the last one?? idk why, new enemy; consistency.

YAHHH IM SO EXCITED TO GET YOUR REVIEWS OKAY QUESTION TIME

Question 1: Yes I have! There's scenes in Panthera that are like directly inspired by the fic, esp in chapter 1, but I've since edited these scenes to make them less like the scenes from Powers of Invisibility. Its such a good fic, and really got me into Juleka, and I re-read it often to kinda get into her vibe of as a person.

THE TOXIC LADYNOIRE YURI WASNT INTENTIONAL FROM THE START BUT MAN WAS IT ALWAYS DOOMED TO HAPPEN <3 its almost meta

Im glad you enjoyed Adrien! I always wanna make sure he's not forgotten. I want him to still be the guy who could've been Chat Noir yknow!

Question 2: When writing this my idea was that Luka was homeschooled because they couldn't afford sending them both to school, and he rather had Juleka go to school than him. But in one of the episodes it was implied he Did go to school just a different one. So, Im not sure anymore tbh

Question 3: He's running by good samaritan laws and also magical vibes. Sometimes souls are just a bit more attuned to magic. Also he chooses young people because while adults who pick up miraculouses will have an easier time from the start, children can adapt and grow even more powerful over the course of many years. This is morally pretty bad, but he was also chosen as a child so the trauma clouds his views a bit.

Question 4: Her english va speaks with a weird fucked up mix of a scottish and pirate accent in the show and I think theres a scottish flag on the Liberty!

Found it!

Juleka's decision to be a hero being stemmed entirely on the safety of her loved ones was always a key part of her I always found intentional. Despite her lack of self preservation in the thick of things, I imagine she just tries to avoid things from the start? This scene was edited a while back from Luka actually being seen injured by Juleka on tv to something more believable- which is the current version you most likely read.

Question 5: The Ladybug and Cat miraculous are always drawn to each other. I imagine throughout history, they were always forced to be enemies of some kind or as separate as possible due to how powerful this draw was. Juleka's also already very attached to Marinette, so it was a funky mix that kinda pushed that recognition. So while Juleka is close to Alya (somewhat) that's not enough to carry her past through that thick layer of glamour. (Doesn't help that Alya's got the illusion miraculous too!)

Also; I like to imagine that if Luka can magically hear what people's hearts sound like, Juleka has that but for her eyes. It's a, Hear no Evil, See no Evil thing- that I may explore later. Look man, Anarka's ancestors were probably on some shot.

Question 6: It's hard to put it but, it's less of a crush and more... these two love each other so much in every way but it's also never gonna be explicitly canon. It's muddled with a lot of other feelings so it's just never on their mind and it gets very chaotic. Marinette has considered a crush on Panthera but she waves it off as crazy every time I think.

IM SO GLAD YOU READ INTO THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JULEKA AND MARINETTE. It's so fun.

-

Chapter two! Absolutely its about dodging taxes. Fun fact; I've found that camembert is actually not that expensive. But I imagine the kind Plagg likes is.

Question 7: They do! Alya's glamour is stronger than average and she and Juleka have better night vision, a sense of hearing, and smell. Of course there's unreliable narrator stuff, but I do imagine Juleka's nails are much stronger now.

ALSO RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT?? ITS INSANE THAT THAT CAN JUST OCCUR. THE AKUMA MULTIPLICATION THING. THEY NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY.

Also for sure Juleka hates heroism. It's her new curse. But she's got a duty to fulfill with it. She treats it like an unpaid 9-5

Question 8: Absolutely has Rose felt those feelings! It probably fueled her crush on Panthera a lot! But the glamour worked just too perfectly on her, poor thing. Power of love ain't enough.

Im glad you enjoyed re-reading Panthera! It's the hardest thing to do for me lol but the idea that the start can still bring joy to people makes me really happy. Cheers!

[hiiragi7]

Honestly, it's talked about a lot just how rigidly medical many anti-endo spaces are, but I don't think it's talked about nearly enough how pro-endo spaces often fall into the exact same rhetoric. In fact, I have seen many pro-endos who push for even more strict medicalization than anti-endos do with regards to CDDs.

I cannot count the amount of times I have seen a pro-endo system say "I cannot have DID because I did not experience this specific type of severe abuse" or "I cannot have DID because my trauma didn't happen before the age of 9" or "I cannot have DID because I can still function fairly well in my daily life".

By making statements about what kind of trauma needs to happen, or quoting rigid age ranges for DID, or drawing lines in the sand at how disabled you need to be in order for it to count as "disordered enough" to be DID, pro-endos very much frequently fall into the exact same arguing points as anti-endos in order to seperate themselves from DID even if they claim to be against and mock the strict medicalization of DID often seen in anti-endo circles.

Despite claiming all the time that the rules are not as rigid as anti-endos make them out to be, pro-endos still often view DID as something "other" and create similar strict rules and binaries surrounding DID. It's especially prominent in systems who call themselves OSDD, who view OSDD as "less bad DID" and so cling to the OSDD label when their symptoms actually align more with DID. The lines they draw between OSDD and DID very often just show a lack of understanding of what DID's diagnostic criteria actually describes based on their own misconceptions about what DID is, which tends to be very narrow and specific. (Not to say everyone with OSDD is actually DID, of course, but it is a much higher number than people are really comfortable talking about.)

A lot of the time, this is very heavily related to downplaying symptoms as well as misinformation about what DID is. However, when downplaying is related to trauma, it is also a massive issue that the pro-endo community largely does not know what trauma is, either. Similar strict binaries and rules that people make about DID are also applied to the concept of trauma as a whole; especially when trauma has been so discoursified and used as an arguing point to harm endogenic systems, many systems are not comfortable talking about trauma at all.

We see this not only as it relates to dissociative disorders (ex., "Emotional neglect isn't enough to cause DID, you have to have been physically or sexually abused and I wasn't so I cannot have DID") but also as it relates to origins, particularly with things like traumagenic vs. stressgenic. Many pro-endos have very extreme ideas about what counts as trauma, and so do not believe they are traumatized if whatever their idea of "severe abuse" is was not present. Many who were abused in less overt ways or who dealt with trauma that was not related to abuse (ex., chronic stress, major surgeries, or natural disasters) tend to believe they are endogenic and non-disordered because they do not fit the picture of "trauma survivor" they have stereotyped in their head.

A lot of systems also have very narrow ideas of what a trauma response looks like, and believe it only ever looks like classic PTSD symptoms. If they do not have PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks or nightmares, there is a tendency to say "I am not traumatized".

Pro-endo spaces absolutely need to become more comfortable discussing and sharing information on disorder and trauma, because the current lack of knowledge is depressing at best and a barrier to recovery for many systems at worst. I do feel that syscourse has definitely worsened a lot of the pro-endo community's avoidance of discussing trauma and dissociation and the push to seperate experiences into anything except "traumagenic DID", though I do also feel it's related to unchecked trauma responses and internalized ableism as well. There's a lot of nuance and complexities to be found there, and this isn't a problem that can be solved overnight, but I do believe it can get better.

[bitchkay]

Dancing in the dark♡

~Rio Voleri

CW: fluff, ur pregnant again sry😬 rio can't keep his hands off you, fem reader, miss reader can sing🎤🎵🎶, rio got a little beard♡, rio says an innuendo guys😳, yall are so in love you're a little bit stupid🤕, this takes place during your third pregnancy but you're not incredibly far along (but showing) so Genesis isn't in the picture at this point, falling in love by cigarettes after sex♡, gets suggestive at the end

Word count: 1536

Rating: Teen and up audiences

Note: my Google search history probably thinks I'm pregnant with how much I've been researching about pregnancy, what's generally normal, what's considered high risk/low risk, symptoms, side effects, baby's, growing infants/toddler, baby development, hormones and mood swings and other stuff like that, I love doing research for stuff like this though I like knowing things plus I wanna be accurate, and it's kinda fun, I be looking at forums and posts by pregnant women and I'm like damn that's crazy🤭🤭

☆𝕋𝕙𝕣𝕖𝕖'𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕕, 𝕗𝕠𝕦𝕣'𝕤 𝕒 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕪 + 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

“You're not cold are you?”

You perked up looking behind you as Rio came up to where you sat on a sturdy rock by the pond in the castle gardens. The moon shone bright, illuminating the clearing, the water glittering in the subtle light.

“I'm fine, I brought a sweater with me. Did Halo finally go down?” You asked scooting over to make room for your burly husband.

“She's asleep. I had to sit with her until she fell asleep though, she didn't want me to leave. I also checked on the twins, they're fast asleep as well,” Rio sat next to you throwing his arm around your shoulder holding you close to his side.

“Thank you so much sweetie. Sorry to ask you to put the kids to bed by yourself,” you lean your head on his shoulder affectionately.

“You needn't worry about me, I'd do whatever you asked of me if you wanted, especially when it comes to our kids,” Rio leaned over to gently kiss your forehead. “How's number four?”

Referring to your pregnant belly Rio looked down at you, moving his arms down towards your waist caressing your side as you threw your legs over his lap.

“I want to say, asleep like the others,” you gave a soft chuckle. “Calm… nice… was kicking earlier but probably got the hint that it's nighttime and not to fight with me so late, hehe. We’re doing good.”

“Good.”

Rio sat with you in silence rubbing your side soothingly as you both watched the calm waters of the little pond before you. Little lily pads floating atop the water and flowers around the pond's perimeter. The critters that lived here must be asleep as well.

“Do you ever think that we're going too fast, Rio?”

Your voice made him pause a moment, putting a hand to his slightly hairy chin in thought.

“What do you mean?”

“I'm pregnant, Rio. We've been married for less than ten years. This is our fourth child and my third pregnancy. The twins are already seven years old, Halo is about to be four, with another baby on the way, plus we talked about adopting too… of course I wouldn't trade any of this for the world but…”

“Well, do you think we're going too fast? Tell me. I know I'm as much a father as you are a mother but the choice is ultimately yours. You know I wouldn't be mad if you decided you didn't want to have anymore kids. Of course I love every child you've given me but it's your body on the line not mine. Talk to me” Rio looked you in the eyes with seriousness, his love for you shining through. “You're my wife first.”

“I was just thinking that our family is getting so big so fast already,” you say calmly. You spread your hand on your swollen stomach, rubbing it through the clothes. “But you know what? I can't imagine doing this with anyone else… However, breeding me every three years is a bit overkill, no?”

Rio smiles cheekily pulling you closer so you're fully on his lap. “You know I can't get enough of you, I cherish our rare alone time together.” He leans in nuzzling up to the side of your face like a puppy bidding for affection. “Plus motherhood has made you so undeniably alluring to me~”

“Rio!”

You push his face away playfully standing up hiding your embarrassed face. Rio follows you, hugging you from behind before you can run away relaxing as you lean into his touch. You close your eyes, putting your hands on top of his sighing as a pleasant night breeze hits your skin.

“You're sure you're not cold?”

You nod your head quietly, turning around in his embrace, wrapping your hands behind Rios neck as you rested your head on his chest. You feel so at ease in his arms, his warmth radiating through his clothes, steady heartbeat acting as a metronome. 

“Even if I was… you're warm… stay like this a while longer?”

Rio smiles, placing a kiss on the top of your head. “For you, Sunbeam♡”

And so you stand in the floral garden illuminated by the moon swaying back and forth to an invisible melody like trees in a gentle breeze. You hum a tune closing your eyes leaning further into Rio's chest letting the song carry you paying no heed to the fact you're still outside humming the song contently.

“What song is that?” Rio rubs your back soothingly as he falls into step with you.

“A song from back home- the human realm I mean. I just suddenly remembered it… it's a good song,” you breathed out your words, relaxed.

“Sing it to me,” Rio smiled down at you as he took your hand in his wrapping the other around your waist.

“You want me to?”

“Of course.”

“It's been quite a while, you know? I don't think I remember all the words,” you said shyly as Rio pulled you into a slow dance simply enjoying being close to you.

“That's okay. I wouldn't know the difference anyway.”

You giggle looking away flustered. “Well now I'm nervous, what if you don't like it?”

“Then I won't ask again. Please, my love.” Rio thumbed your hip affectionately giving you a sweet smile.

Your face warmed at the use of “my love” making you smile. “Alright then♡”

You cleared your throat as Rio held you by the waist gliding about, dancing as you hummed the melody.

“When I hold you close to me, I could always see a house by the ocean. Last night I could hear the waves, as I heard you say ‘All that I want to be is yours’...”

With one hand on his shoulder and the other in his palm you smile up at Rio lovingly as you sway back and forth, him looking back at you with just as much admiration if not more as he pulled you closer by the waist.

“Falling in love, falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before with you baby. I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart.” You rested your head on Rio's chest as you sang, feeling a soft kiss be placed on top of your head.

“Beautiful…”

Your mellow voice carried you as you danced through the grass in a comfortable hold, the moon rising higher in the sky. You gave a soft chuckle as you forgot some of the words humming along the melody. In this moment Rio couldn't help but find you the loveliest creature in all the land.

“Falling in love, falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before with you baby. I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart♡”

As you finished the song you felt fatigue creep up on you, leaning on Rios chest with more weight.

“Sunbeam? Getting sleepy? It's late.” Rio hugged you gently to his chest tenderly placing a hand on your head. “Do you want to go inside?”

“Maybe… I'm just really comfortable here with you. I like moments like this,” you wrapped your arms around Rio torso. “I just wish this baby wasn't getting in the way of being right up against you.”

Rio chuckled at your words before scooping his arm beneath your knees picking you (and all your pregnant self) up with ease. 

“Hey! I can walk you kno–!”

“Hush. Knowing you, you'll be asleep before we get to the room. Relax, will you,” Rio said in a more stern tone, no stranger to your stubbornness.

Your face warmed as his voice sent your heart a flutter. Perhaps it was just your hormones talking but suddenly sleep was the last thing on your mind.

“The kids are asleep right?” You asked innocently.

“Yes? Why-” oh he knows that look in your eye.

“I'm horny-”

“No.”

“But baby-”

“We are going to bed.”

“But I need you…”

“And you need sleep,” of course Rio would love to indulge you but at this hour you would be lucky to get any sleep at all before dawn if he gave into your (his) desires. He must (begrudgingly) put his foot down.

“Why are you so mean to me…” you pouted, your eyes turning wet as you crossed your arms.

“Sunbeam…” he kissed your forehead for the nth time this night.

“You just can't keep up with me because these pregnancy hormones make me insatiable…” Which is true, your moods tended to be up and down, sad, mad, ultra happy, but when you were in the mood nothing could bring you down better than your hot and sexy husband. Once your doctor said it was safe to have intercourse during this pregnancy you weren't passing up the opportunity to have sex with Rio any chance you could get it, whenever you wanted it and could slip away.

“Exactly. If I let you have your way neither of us are going to sleep tonight, and as much as you say you need me, I know you're tired. So let's go to sleep, my love.

“... you hate me.”

“Let's go to sleep, my love.”

“You want me dead.”

“We're going to bed, my love.”

©bitchkay.tumblr.com

[junoshifts]

hii!! I’ve been a shifter for almost two years now, and I’ve tried all the methods in the book before setting up my method that matches me as someone who can’t visualize and has ADHD. I have gotten dreams related to my DR but they weren’t lucid, like I couldn’t control them although they were vivid.

That’s all that I’ve gotten, ik symptoms don’t matter since they just mean that ur body is falling asleep. But I feel like I can’t get that ‘final push’ yk? I always either end up sleeping or having a dream about my DR. How can I do more than that??

- 🌸

hello lovely! i am answering this incredibly late because i have been busy with life and such. i wanted to properly articulate my thoughts on your situation + questions, so without further ado, let’s get into it! more info below the cut 💛

first + foremost, when it comes to lucid dreaming, dawn has a wonderful post about his lucid dreaming tips here! i would definitely give this a read when you have a chance. i’m someone who also has wildly vivid dreams, but it has taken a bit of practice to get used to becoming aware or lucid during them. even now, i still struggle with it sometimes— and that’s okay!

personally, i consider any dreams about your desired reality (vivid or not) to be a loose subconscious connection to that reality. you’ve set an intention and aligned with that dr in some way, even if it wasn’t through a shift or proper awareness of that dr. i have quite a few drs inspired by vivid dreams, but to each their own! journaling the experiences of that dream can be beneficial in terms of lucid dreaming and becoming more aware of your actions in your dreams.

methods… my number one enemy. i personally do not love methods, i don’t think i have properly done a method in a long time because i end up more focused on completing the method “perfectly” (#perfectionism) rather than focusing on how it is meant to support me as i shift. instead of focusing on finding the “perfect” method, try to break down the pieces: does breath work help you? does counting feel beneficial? what helps you feel connected to your dr or dr self as you move through this experience? maybe writing down your intentions in a physical notebook will benefit you. either way, the same tools that help someone else might not work for you + the beautiful uniqueness of YOUR mind.

truthfully, i’m not a huge believer in the concept of a “final push” during shifting. i am pretty sure this was an early shifttok misconception, but i couldn’t find any proper sources to support this. if anyone has any threads on this topic, feel free to comment them and i will link them to this post!

now that we’ve gotten all of this out of the way: let’s talk about how to move forward. shifting can be messy and confusing, it can make us feel frustrated when our 3d (what we see, hear, sense, etc) doesn’t line up with our manifestations (your desired reality). allow yourself to feel these emotions, but know that our emotions and mindset can influence our perception of the world. for example: if you’re in a bad mood one day, you’re more likely to focus on the negative parts of your day-to-day life rather than the positives that could improve your mindset.

this being said, trying to work on reframing your perspective on your journey can be helpful! try to carry yourself with the energy you want to embody— act like the master shifter that you are, even if you haven’t seen the physical aspects of this in front of you. trust in yourself and your abilities, taking the time to remind yourself that you’re capable of shifting wherever and whenever you want.

our minds and nervous systems benefit greatly from routine, structure, or rituals— this can mean taking the time to breathe or meditate regularly, or simply doing something to connect to your desired reality self each day. since you mentioned being unable to visualize, maybe making a playlist of songs that remind you of your dr could help inspire you. consistency is helpful in achieving your desired results; just like any other part of life, practice only leads to improvement or awareness of what changes can help! trying to find a routine or technique for self-soothing + grounding prior to shifting (whether that is an awake or sleep method) teaches you that it’s safe to rest and relax. this is why many people recommend consistent meditation!

i am going to end this reply here to prevent any more rambles or overwhelming information, but if there are any details i missed or anything else you require clarity on, please feel free to leave another ask!

divider credit

[jodilin65]

A quick glance at the news is full of the usual sad stuff. It seems some product is being recalled nearly every day, and the mental case involved in the Slender Man stabbing is going to be released from a mental facility in 7 years as if that can "unmental" her. People don't change. 

SoCal is on fire, and while I don't feel much for the celebrities who have half a dozen other houses to go to, I feel bad for those less well-off. That's got to be pretty horrifying, especially given how big it is and the fact that only 8% of it is currently contained.

I organized my bookmarks earlier. The list gets quite endless when you let them go. I made about a dozen folders or so containing different topics like writing, medical, entertainment... that sort of thing.

My fatigue is off the charts today. I'm back to the break-up sleep. Took half a clonazepam when I woke up in the middle of my sleep, unable to fall back asleep right away. First, I woke up hot, and then I woke up cold, then had to pee. It's absolutely horrible, and I'm trying not to think about how long it could be before I have the CPAP back and find out just how much the sleep apnea is contributing to how exhausted I feel so often. As I said, I think the stage was always set for sleep apnea, but as we age, things change. Just like the skin loses its elasticity in the nose and causes nasal collapse at times, the throat muscles also change. I think that once my weight also got up to a certain point,  I was pretty much doomed. No guarantees losing weight would do me any good the older I get. If I can ever tackle the fatigue, I may make one more attempt at dieting. I'll start at 1,400 calories now that I've got AI tools that can make weekly menus for me, and I've gotten to be a pretty good cook. I'll take off 100 calories at a time until I get results—if I get results—and if I don't have to go crazy low in order to get them. I'm still metabolically fucked, like it or not. But that's still way down the line. My number one priority is the fatigue. 

Where I hardly ever used to nap, now I'm napping nearly every day or at least lying down. Still hard to believe my thyroid has that much to do with it since it's not that bad, and it's been a hell of a lot worse yet I wasn’t so tired. Even Doctronic thinks most of it is the sleep apnea. Unfortunately, it's going to be a while before I find out, and to stress me out even further, I forgot to take the clocks going ahead on March 5th into consideration when I used the program to schedule my appointment in mid-March.

It's only been a couple of days, but it does seem like my nose could be a little better since restarting the steroid spray.

We ordered an extensive UTI test that checks for 8 different things…Leukocytes, Nitrite, Urobilinogen, Protein, Bilirubin, Ketone, pH Levels, Specific Gravity. I wish I could know for sure the burning was due to menopause and nothing else, but we'll find out if the WBC count is elevated in my pee because it certainly shouldn't be and could be a symptom of other things besides a UTI. After I take the test which arrives tomorrow, I'll call Rhonda's office to see how to schedule the virtual appointment with her. Depending on the findings, I might mention the spots of blood. There were only two or three of them, though.

His catalog of free stuff he can get each month is surprisingly extensive, and I was surprised by all the things my own plan has to offer. At first, I was pissed because I saw the exact same popcorn popper I recently got as one of the options. Then I thought it would be nice to have a new potato peeler since this one is getting kind of dull, but it came with a couple of other utensils I just didn’t need. I considered shampoo and lotion but then decided against it. The perfumes were too expensive, and so were the Fitbit watches, some of which are pretty high-end. I only had 800 points to play with, and I don't know how often they have challenges. I was hoping they would have an electric grill, but they didn't. They had an electric griddle, a waffle maker, a quesadilla maker, a sandwich maker, a slow cooker, and a rice cooker, along with other kitchen-related things. They also had health-related things, of course, along with jewelry, apparel, and shoes. There were quite a few other things as well, and finally, I decided on a set of blue towels. At 700 GSM, they're good quality. The towels I got when we first moved in here are not very good. They're usable, but a little thin and they're starting to get a little stringy too.

We changed Tinky's cage earlier, and now I'm just vegging out in frustration and wishing I had more energy. Maybe someday—even if it means trading it for a new problem—since I just can't get a break and always have to have something.🫤

[imkattymae]

Travel: Fighting jet lag.

If I look back at all the trips I’ve taken overseas, the only time I ever recall being excited is when I finally try to get to sleep the night before - I’m hopeless. It’s like my brain flicks on ‘stay awake’ mode just before I know I need to get to sleep because I have to wake up early for a flight. It’s both frustrating and very annoying! Not to mention that I’m worried about feeling jet lagged and really tired.

It’s funny; I can wake up early in the morning and be really tired but can still last the day without falling asleep.

I must say, I don’t think I’d never actually experience jet lag until I travelled on multiple flights last year over five months.

First... what is it?

Jet lag is medically referred to as desynchronises, it's a physiological condition which results from alterations to the body's circadian rhythms resulting from rapid long-distance trans meridian (east–west or west–east) travel on a jet airplane. (Wikipedia)

In regards to symptoms, apparently everyone reacts differently. If you are traveling look out for these:

Headaches, Fatigue, irregular sleeping patterns, insomnia, disorientation, mild depression

It’s said that jet lag isn’t caused by crossing the International Date Line or the length of the flight, its affected more when traveling across a number of time zones which your body clock is not in sync with, and the rhythms are different from your natural body pattern. It also depends on how quickly your body adjusts to these new schedules, so the fact that I’ve never felt like I have been affected may just be because my body adjusted quicker than most people – thank god! Sometimes I wonder if it’s more a state of mind than anything else, and people overthink it too much. But I agree with my friend, I think it’s all about common sense.

If you have experienced jet lag before and often do, here are some tips that I have found from fellow traveler blogs and friends.

Tips to help you fight Jet Lag

Avoid overeating and caffeine  

OK, like me I can’t usually go a day without a cup of coffee or tea so this one is a tricky one for those who do drink a lot of caffeine. Caffeine does keep you up and awake longer, so it will be harder to try fall asleep and reduces your sleep time.

2. Don’t eat too much on the plane

I do think this should depend on how hungry you are and how long the flight is - you do have to eat. But if you do get hungry often during the flight, try and eat snacks and keep in mind that airline food is cooked at least twice because it’s almost impossible to maintain moisture at altitude.

3. Stay hydrated  

The plane can get really dry and with the circulating air – quite annoying, trust me – that is why I don’t wear my contact lenses on the plane anymore. So it is important to stay hydrating during the flight, you might even want to bring a hydrating spray for our face, and moisturizer.

  4. Try to avoid sleeping as soon as you arrive to your hotel

This can really push your body clock, so try and stay up until it’s actually the time to sleep at your destination. If you are really tired from traveling, take a nap – 20 minutes at most but be careful it doesn’t turn into a 3 hour one. I find that I don’t sleep straight away, even if I arrive at 8am in the morning– you have to let your body adjust to the local time so sleeping at the right time is key!

5.  Limit alcohol intake on the plane   

Alcohol can actually worsen the symptoms of jet lag, so try and avoid too much alcohol. If you feel that having a scotch or wine helps you sleep then that’s fine but remember alcohol can also dry you out and its worse when the cabin air dehydrates everyone – not to mention the effects of alcohol when the altitude changes. Did you know that one drink in mid-flight is the same as two or three on the ground! (I didn't know that lol)

If you really are worried, you can try taking pills like ‘No Jet Lag’ pills on Amazon.

Do you have any tips?

[autisticshadowthehedgehog]

What was up with Chris Thorndyke, anyway?

I think it’s safe to say that Chris Thorndyke is one of the most hated characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, which is... a bit odd, when you think about it. In a world of Ken Penders’s Daddy Issues Personified and Octopus Who Kills Children For Fun (the latter of which basically being a fandom sexyman), why is a twelve-year-old boy so polarizing?

It would be easy to chalk this up to the bad 4kidz dub, but I don’t quite think that’s it. A lot of the complaints I’ve heard can go to “he got the main character slot in Sonic’s show” or “I just don’t like the human characters,” which are valid, but pale in comparison to basically all I’ve seen being: “He’s just annoying,” “I can’t fucking stand him,” etc. That’s basically all I hear, and when asking why, it usually boils down to two things: 1) his extreme attachment to Sonic and 2) his status as a rich white american only child basically puts any and all of his problems at “first world problems” at best. Those also seem like valid reasons, right?

Thing is, while on the surface it seems like this kid has no issues, as a kid with a, how you say, rough childhood, something stuck with me when I watched the show for the first time. I remember sitting through episode after episode, wondering, When does Chris stop being sympathetic and start being annoying? Since, you know, that’s his reputation.

It didn’t happen.

And it slowly became apparent to me that a lot of the things that made Chris “annoying” and “obsessive”... were just obvious symptoms of a traumatized kid.

Join me for my thesis presentation: Chris’s “annoying” traits are not a writing flaw, but an intentional character flaw brought about by severe neglect, which is resolved through his character arc, and why the fandom reaction to him is so furious.

Note: Throughout this meta, we will only be looking over the Japanese version of Sonic X, as it’s the original script and 4kidz did not translate it accurately. So if you see some lines you don’t remember being said, those are from the English subtitles/direct translation.

Once again, it is possible (also likely, we’ll discuss that a bit) that the kidification and cuts to Sonic X did a number on Chris’s likability, but for most of the meta we’ll be discussing his Japanese characterization with only a few references to cut scenes or lines in the dub.

Part I: First Impressions

On the surface, Chris seems like not just a normal kid, but a very privileged one. He goes to regular school with regular friends, but also goes home to a mansion and millions of dollars. His parents dote on him, his grandfather has fun with him, the two servants treat him like their own kid. He should have no problems, right?

Except, honestly, the issues become apparent in Episode One.

You may be saying here, “What do you mean, episode one? The second episode is when Chris gets all his characterization and exposition.”

Except we get all this visually in the final scene of the episode. (I PROMISE the whole essay won’t be this analytic over small scenes but this is important.)

Before Chris rescues Sonic, kickstarting his part in the plot, we see him hear Sonic fall, peer out the window, and then run out to get him.

Firstly, the shots of his room. His room is huge– and we’ll come back to that detail later, so keep it in mind– but it’s also dark. Which tracks ofc, it’s nighttime and the kid’s asleep, but there’s also a lit desk light, which we see when Chris goes to the window. This together gives the audience the visual impression that Chris is in the dark, with the light only coming when he opens that window and sees Sonic.

Let’s get into the bigness of the house here, as Chris runs out of the room. In every shot we see him running, it’s emphasized how small he is. No, not only how small he is, but how empty the rest of the house is.

First the shot in the hall. There’s minimal lighting from a few wall lamps, the rest of the hallway is incredibly dark. Chris is shorter than the height of the lamps on the wall, his positioning keeps him small in the frame despite him running closer. He’s also centered in the hall, and when you look to the walls you can see several doors, implying several rooms, but only Chris is in the hall.

Then the stairwell– once again incredibly dark, but we see more of the grandiose nature of the house. A painting taller than Chris, a Grandfather Clock maybe twice his height. He also runs down the stairs with the railing up to his shoulder. It’s all finely detailed, which of course reflects the Thorndyke luxury they live in. But it’s still dark, and Chris is still so small.

A shot of him running across the floor. It’s shot from above, and we see that the tiles on the floor are bigger than his whole body. This shot is even darker than the rest, only a few lights reflecting on the ground. The above-shot also shows a ceiling fan in front of us, which makes it look bigger than it is, also dwarfing Chris in the shot.

There’s a shot after that of Chris running to the pool– it is actually near-impossible to see him here, but if you look he runs off the back porch. Once again the world is huge, everything around him is huge, and everything is dark, except the pools. The pools where Sonic is, not that he knows that yet.

The pool still remains brightly lit as Chris dives in and saves Sonic. The first shot we see is him diving in, and then grabbing onto Sonic’s wrist. This is repeated multiple times later in the show as they reach for each other’s hands. It’s not only the first time we see this kid make contact with someone in the show, I’m pretty sure it’s the first time we see Sonic. In the first bit of the episode he’s only hitting robots, in the second bit he’s fleeing from everyone who comes near him. This first contact thus subconsciously establishes itself in the audience’s minds as important for both of them.

We finally see Chris clearly after he pulls Sonic out, where the two of them are lit by the pool’s light. Despite the long shadows coming off of them, they are both fully visible and sitting amongst the lit tiles, meaning Chris is now in the light.

This opening scene also establishes something important about Chris as well, and that’s that he’s... not a rich asshole. This kid woke up in the middle of the night, and for all intents and purposes saw nothing in the pool– he saw the ripples stilling, but that could’ve been anything. Could’ve been a frog. Could’ve been a bird taking off into the air. Could’ve been a bird shitting. But Chris still investigates anyway and immediately dives in, presumably once he sees something still in there. As he dives in, he also reaches for Sonic instantly, meaning it wasn’t just pure curiosity that drove him forward, but a deep desire to help whatever was in there. Likely he saw it moving and leapt in to save it without a second thought.

It’s established in the next episode that Chris knew full well he was not allowed to do this and it probably wouldn’t be safe; he’s not allowed to go outside at night or swim in the adult pool. Not to mention he’s also probably still half-asleep and wearing pajamas. Without hesitation he jumps in anyway because there’s something that needs his help. When he pulls Sonic out, he can clearly see this is a weird fucked-up thing he doesn’t recognize, but without even reacting to that fact he just asks if he’s okay. He only starts showing his surprise when Sonic begins talking. Even then there’s no screaming, he just introduces himself politely and then. Takes Sonic inside.

The next episode opens already in the next morning, and with Sonic still there we can assume Chris just hid him for the rest of the night without telling the other adults in the house. After Sonic mentioned people chasing him, Chris probably figured it wasn’t safe to tell anyone and took it upon his 12yo self to make sure this little guy didn’t get spotted.

Which, if it weren’t for Sonic’s impulsiveness, would’ve been incredibly easy.

The second episode opens with another panning shot of the huge mansion, with a voice overlay from Lindsey. The first thing we hear from Chris’s mother is that she’s sorry, but she won’t come home til “next week.” But she’ll send him a ton of gifts, so it’s okay!

Our next interesting shot is as she continues talking, and we see a ton of family photos tacked onto the wall. This immediately gives the impression of, of course, a family that really loves each other. It then immediately pans to Chris, alone on the balcony, talking minimally into a phone.

Chris then has another character beat of apologizing for diving in the pool. It seems like if he hadn’t mentioned it, nobody would’ve known, but he does anyway because he’s just like. A good little kid. Either that or it’s anything to keep his mom on the line longer.

Another thing to note is that Tanaka briefly enters during this scene, but doesn’t even look at Chris as he drops his food off and leaves.

When she hangs up, we hear a little kissing noise, and then Chris kisses the phone receiver and rubs the back of his head. His expression doesn’t seem embarrassed, though, especially as he didn’t notice Sonic staring at him until the next shot. He looks perhaps relieved, a soft kind of happy, perhaps at the compliment she gave him immediately before her abrupt goodbye.

Sonic then asks why Chris referred to him as a cat; he doesn’t seem upset, just a little curious. Chris’s reaction is interesting here– the first thing he does is ask if Sonic is mad at him, and then immediately launch into an explanation.

After Sonic seems calm, Chris then curiously asks Sonic where he learned to talk. They’re interrupted by the phone ringing, and Chris seems incredibly confused that it rung. He answers almost robotically, and immediately grows excited upon hearing it’s his dad, though his voice still indicates surprise. You can really hear it in the line delivery of his og actress, Sanae Kobayashi.

Chris continues smiling blankly as his Dad talks about how his mom told him that a cat got into the estate and maybe he should update security. Chris swiftly assures him that it’s okay, and then says, “But more importantly, you’re very busy, aren’t you?”

Basically he already knows that this conversation will be less than a minute long, but he’s still smiling until his dad’s already hung up.

The rest of the scene plays out as Chris googles what hedgehogs eat, tries to feed Sonic cat food, and then rightfully freaks out when Sonic leaves to get a chili dog, considering he’s a fugitive. And while his face and mannerisms at the end of the scene does effectively display this worry, they really do hold on that shot for a while as he fades back into a sadder expression.

These scenes both serve as introductory scenes to Chris, and both visually and through dialogue, we have established:

Chris is constantly alone.

His world is dark until he finds Sonic.

He has a kind personality and doesn’t seem to be at all jaded or spoiled by his privileged upbringing.

His parents love him but are so absent that he doesn’t even bat an eye at the fact he won’t see his mom for a week. He is surprised when his Dad calls but immediately puts his work before his own well being.

He’s relatively calm, but only freaks out when he thinks Sonic might be mad at him, and when Sonic leaves.

I’d love to do a fucking scene-for-scene analysis of the entire show, but we’d be here for like twenty years so instead let’s uh. jump ahead a bit.

We slowly unravel Chris’s backstory and mental state throughout the first two seasons, in a slow way that I think is very effective and won’t be effective enough through this essay, but I’m gonna try my best.

Anyway, let’s jump ahead and cover his whole... thing.

Part II: The Backstory Scene that 4kidz Cut

The youngest we ever see Chris is in the season two penultimate episode. There’s a flashback to him as what seems to be a toddler, or just out of toddlerhood. This scene, right here, was cut in the English dub for... no real reason I can think of. In fact, it just makes Chris look less sympathetic.

The first shot we get is of Chris and his parents. Much like the Chris’s first scene, he is tiny, even tinier. But unlike that scene, everything is bright. It’s blinding, actually, as the doors are open and Chris’s parents stand in front of it. This is obviously from baby Chris’s perspective, representing his emotional state. With those doors open and his parents in front of him, he is covered in light. Covered.

His parents are quite formal in their parting words. “We’re leaving now,” his dad says. His mom then says, “I’m sorry, Chris. Make sure you behave until we return.”

Once again, I mentioned that this scene is from baby Chris’s perspective, so maybe they weren’t as formal when this actually happened. But that’s how it came across to Chris.

Sidenote, but honestly? Considering his age, this could very well be one of his earliest memories.

Little Chris says, “If I behave, will you come home right away?” While of course operating on little kid logic, this also reflects on how much he loves his family again, as all he wants is for his parents to be home with him.

His parents look at each other, confused on how to answer. They then give the worst answer– “Of course.” We see how happy this makes him, but it’s only a temporary happiness. They’ve just made a promise they cannot keep and they know it, and at baby Chris’s age, he will NOT understand that.

When they turn to leave, Chris’s face falls. They once again have a formal goodbye, and as they leave, the doors shut, and the light is gone, and he stands there for again a long time. I don’t think I need to explain what this symbolizes.

The next shot, we see Chris is reading a picture book by himself on the couch. Once again a small little guy in a big world; the book also seems to be The Little Matchgirl, which... oof. The story is about how a lonely orphan dreams about having a family as she slowly freezes to death, in case you weren’t aware. The two shots we see from the book are first of her freezing, and then of her looking in a window and imagining a family. As Chris reads this, he repeats that if he behaves, his parents will come home.

He then hears the door about to open and immediately leaps up and smiles widely.

It’s not his parents, it’s Ella, but she has presents from his parents!

Despite being a little kid who would normally be ecstatic at the prospect of new toys, Chris just looks numb as she speaks.

He takes no joy in the toy either, because his parents aren’t there with it.

So. I have worked at a daycare and as a babysitter for about... seven years now. Kids? They have separation anxiety. They will sob and scream and shout and kick and run if their mom is out of their sight. I recently babysat a kid who learned how to unlock the door so he could try and run after his parents which was terrifying for me tbh.

Chris’s reaction of just immediately falling into a numb depression isn’t something I saw in the kids I watched. At this age, they cry at the very least. Chris doesn’t even do that, he’s just staring. We get one voiceover at the end of this scene, as Chris just says, “It never came true.” Obviously referring to the promise– he behaved, and his parents still stayed away.

What impression does this give a kid that age? One of two things, if not both at once:

I am not behaving enough and I need to behave perfectly.

Mom and Dad don’t care enough to come home.

From knowing Lindsey and Nelson, we know this is not true. They’re busy, and they hope to show their love through gifts. But Chris’s love language is very much not gifts, it’s quality time. And he doesn’t. Get that.

From anyone.

Part III: Chris’s Abandonment Issues

As I’ve made it clear, Chris’s parents are never around. He doesn’t bat an eye at his mother saying she’ll be gone another week, and is surprised that his Dad even bothered to call. We saw all those family photos, but looking at them again, how many of them were taken at the same time, one of the few times his parents were home? How many is Chris standing stiffly, properly, instead of relaxing like a kid?

Another line from episode six really drives his home, one I think a lot of people miss.

Upon being told his parents are coming home, Chris remarks that it has been months since he’s seen them. Months.

Later in the episode, Chuck remarks on how it’s a miracle to see them both at the house at the same time. They laugh this off, and spend the rest of the episode anxiously waiting for Chris to get home because, yeah, they do care. When Chris gets home he immediately calls for them and gets tackle-hugged. As they do, he stiffens upon the physical contact, and looks awkward the whole time, like he’s not used to physical affection.

He’s then later surprised to hear his parents were worried he was late.

The next episode, Chris’s dad has already left by the next morning. When he hears his mom has unexpectedly left, he is upset, but not surprised; he immediately resigns himself to this and sighs before leaning back on the couch.

When he brings this up to his uncle, Sam immediately remarks that his sister is never home.

This is where Cream breaks, because she has seen Lindsey herself break down over not being there for Chris. Chris has not seen that. All he knows is that his mother was there and then was gone, despite their elaborate dinner plan, despite knowing he was bringing a guest to meet her.

Once again, he’s not surprised. Neither is Sam.

Similar with his Dad; in the previous episode, when they were worried, Nelson implies that he has a guard service making sure Chris doesn’t get abducted. They’re two seconds away from calling the US Military to find him. But they stop short of going after him, because they don’t want him to think they’re being overbearing.

We’ve firmly established this by now, okay? His parents are never home and haven’t been since he was, what? Three? Four, tops.

Nobody else was really there, either.

Ella and Tanaka seem to have done most of Chris’s raising. And while Ella and Tanaka are amazing, and definitely care a lot about Chris, it doesn’t change the fact that they are paid employees and Chris knows this. They’re paid to hang out with him. If they weren’t getting paid, Chris has no idea if they would even give a shit about him. Even with that, there’s not a ton of evidence they like. hung out with him outside of making sure he was alright. As mentioned, in the second episode Tanaka doesn’t even look at him as he delivers food. Not for lack of care, but probably because they’re busy as only two servants in a huge estate. This isn’t their kid, too, they’re under no obligation to raise him. Ella is the cook and Tanaka is the butler-bodyguard, they’re not childcare experts.

What about his grandpa? Sorry to break this to you but Chuck wasn’t around, either.

In episode 51, which we’re gonna keep coming back to as it’s the culmination of Chris’s arc, Chuck says this while reprimanding Nelson and Lindsey. He says, “I never blamed you for neglecting your household because you were too busy with work. That’s because I also did whatever I wanted and continued my research.”

Back to the second episode, when we first see Chuck, you notice on the second watch that Chris 1) doesn’t trust his grandpa enough to tell him that he’s hiding a fugitive in their house, 2) didn’t seem to expect him (or ANYONE) to walk in on them in the LIVING ROOM, 3) seems to not know a ton about his personality. He’s surprised when his grandpa closes the door on Sonic, and surprised that he’s a bit of an adrenaline junkie. It seems that instead of spending time with his grandson, Chuck spent most of his time in his shed tinkering with machines.

His uncle? Seems to visit on occasion, but has a government job. You know he’s never around, either.

So Chris is growing up in a huge house, which is serving to give him a constant reminder that nobody’s home. There are two servants going around working and sometimes saying hi to him, there’s a grandpa in the shed somewhere who might come in once or twice to watch TV, and there’s photos on the wall of parents who aren’t home. He’s like that for at least eight years.

OH, and let’s talk about the friends argument which I’ve confusingly seen. He’s got two friends at school. His parents seem to recognize Danny’s name, so Danny might have been a longtime friend, or at least friend he talked about before. But Danny and Frances, being barely in any episodes, we can assume they also have their own lives and things going on and thus don’t, like, hang out with Chris after school a lot. He uses Danny as an excuse for being late in ep6, but the fact that nobody seemed to expect him to be late implies this is not a usual thing. And of course it is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY not on the shoulders of these other 12yos to emotionally support another kid, but it’s not like they’re immediately moving into his house and giving him attention 24/7. They’re friends. Which is all they need to be. But for a neglected child like Chris, they’re just another part of his life that comes and goes. Him having two buddies at school that he shares a table with (thus probably just. friends by proximity) doesn’t negate the neglect.

Looking at the photos on the wall again, there’s one photo of Chris with some kind of sports team, probably baseball. Considering how bad Chris played in the baseball episode, he probably didn’t stay there long, and considering we never see anyone even resembling the kids in that pic, we can assume they didn’t stay long-lasting friends. The other photos, they’re dressed in suits, like they’re taking professional photos. Once again stilted, stiff.

But I hear y’all on twitter now. “Oh, boo-hoo, his parents weren’t around. He was still living fancy, it’s fine.”

So let’s talk about the effects of emotional neglect on the childhood psyche.

Part IV: Connie Read Actual Research Papers and Scholarly Articles For This Instead of Doing Actual Work

So, here’s something that’s been seen recurrently in neglected children: kids are psychologically dependent on parents or caregivers throughout their whole childhood and adolescence.

From New Directions in Child Abuse and Neglect Research by the Committee on Child Maltreatment Research, “Children who have experienced abuse and neglect are therefor at increased risk for a number of problematic developmental, health, and mental health outcomes, including learning problems, problems relating to peers, externalizing symptoms [aggression or conduct disorder], and posttraumatic stress disorder. As adults, these children continue to show increased risk for psychiatric disorders, substance use, serious medical illnesses, and lower economic productivity.”

Let’s talk mainly about the mental health outcomes. Without a present caregiver, neglected children often fall behind on the abilities to regulate behavior or emotions. Several parts of the brain will end up altered due to early childhood neglect, including the stress response system, the emotion processing and regulation system, the learning and memory system, etc.

The stress response system is the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortial axis, aka the HPA. The HPA is incredibly sensitive to early childhood experiences and an uncertain childhood can effect a lot of things, such as sleep patterns and hyperactivity. Abused children will often have higher spikes of cortisol, a high enough number of which can cause damage to the brain and premature aging.

The behavioral regulation is also most commonly affected in these victims; neglected children will often show “behavioral and emotional difficulties that are consistent with effects on the amygdala, such as internalizing problems, heightened anxiety, and emotional reactivity, and deficits in emotional processing.”

Other mental health issues are also seen; children with trauma experiences will show similar mental patterns as those with ADHD, and can have serious issues with inhibitory control– aka, controlling your impulses.

Then there’s the corpus callosum. (Insert SnapCube dub joke here.) The corpus callosum manages communication between the two hemispheres of the brain. Several studies have found that abused children have a much smaller corpus callosum than non-abused children, even those who are mentally ill; these effects are also more pronounced in boys than girls, which is relevant to our analysis of a 12yo anime boy from 2003. This means that their brain development will often be behind that of their peers, and it could take a while for them to mature.

That was long and boring Connie. Give us the tldr.

Okay don’t worry, the article got to that right about now. Children dealing with neglect will show several issues related to the interrupted development of these parts of their brain, including:

Extreme Deficits in Executive Functioning

Difficulty in regulating attention: As a note on this, 18.6% of abused and neglected teens are diagnosed with ADHD. Compared to 5% of other children. That’s like three times the amount!

And, most interestingly, the behavioral outcomes:

Difficulty forming trusting attachments to caregivers

Both Disorganized and Insecure Attachment Issues, usually getting severe Attachment Disorders

Reactive Attachment Disorder: Inhibited or emotionally withdrawn behavior, rarely seeking or responding to comfort

Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder: Basically the opposite; it’s marked by a pattern of overly familiar behavior with strangers.

Emotion Regulation: infants learn how to deal with distress via their parents– how their caregivers handle stress, how they take care of problems and slowly introduce the ability to deal with them. Without that, abused and neglected children will often fail to develop effective strategies for regulating emotions. This will probably cause a lot of the following.

This also includes recognizing emotions in others. While abused children will identify anger quickly, neglected children tend to be worse than non-neglected children at identifying any facial expressions.

Their emotional issues can also cause them to feel isolated from their peers, as their peers do not understand them and do not act like them.

Anxiety

Depression– nearly a 3x chance compared to non-neglected kids

Dissociation

Conduct Disorder

PTSD

Physical issues include stunted growth and motor development, and lower health.

Note that these do not appear in all victims of neglect, these are just common symptoms.

Part V: Every “Annoying” Thing Chris Does is a Fucking Symptom

Difficulty forming attachments to Caregivers

In episode 43, Chris deals with a situation that’s obviously alien to him: his parents coming home to care about him.

His parents hear that he’s sick and drop everything to come home. This is clearly something that’s unusual, judging from both Chris’s and his grandpa’s reactions to it. Chris is confused and embarrassed, kinda numb and still, until his grandfather and father start arguing. Even then, he only reacts when they bring up Sonic.

He then yells that he hates his family and orders them to leave him alone. This doesn’t last long as they’re immediately attacked by more badniks, but it’s a beat they definitely put in there intentionally.

Also, he doesn’t seem to trust Chuck as an authority either. He really just sees him as an impulsive adrenaline junkie at best; in the cruise ship episode, Chuck is drunk the whole time and Chris doesn’t seem to care. It also says something that while Ella and Tanaka are present, he doesn’t trust them to tell them they might be finding an alien in the attic until they find out for themselves.

Difficulty Understanding Others’ Emotions

This one’s gonna be easy, as I talked about it earlier in the essay. When Sonic asks, “Was the cat supposed to be me?” Chris immediately assumes he’s upset and tries to placate him with an explanation. This happens throughout the show as well; let’s take Mr. Stewart for example, that man is obviously spying on him and inserting himself into his life and Chris thinks it’s maybe a little weird, not that much though. He also spends most of his time hanging out with Shadow standing there in complete obliviousness as to what Shadow is thinking or feeling. He doesn’t even seem to really register Shadow as a threat, instead throwing himself at him in hopes that he can convince him to help Sonic. In doing so, he also doesn’t think that Tanaka would at all be worried about him, and is surprised at their reunion that Tanaka was upset.

Aggression / Delinquincy

This was very underplayed, but in the Sonic Battle arc, we literally see him start to rebel. He tells Sonic that he’s sick of being the perfect rich kid, that he wants to be a problem on purpose sometimes. Sonic seems to completely understand that, as that’s a point Chris needs to reach. He has to realize he cannot be perfect and that’s okay.

[except that dialogue was all cut in the 4kidz version no im not bitter]

Only Chris explores his imperfection in a really bad way.

And now. Let’s get into the attachment.

And to do that, we need to get into...

Part VI: What Sonic Represents

This is a fascinating part of Chris’s psyche since I think it occurs both subconsciously and consciously, but when I drew attention to Sonic bringing the light back into Chris’s life? Yeah, that’s cause he did.

Everything changed only after Sonic arrived. Suddenly Chris’s parents are... visiting??? For once??? TOGETHER??? His grandfather wants to spend time with him! His friends at school are hanging out with him more and he’s even made new friends! And most importantly, he has the mobians around him constantly. He’s got constant attention from all of them, and while he quickly takes on the figure of the Responsible One, he’s still WITH PEOPLE. He’s gone from being alone all the time to surrounded by a rowdy-ass found family.

Most of all is Sonic. Chris seems to have attached himself mainly to Sonic, likely because in his mind Sonic represents the moment when everything changed. Of course, Sonic would probably have been the worst of the gang to get attached to, seeing as he runs off all the time. The first several episodes, even after they stop hiding from the public, Chris is noticeably upset whenever Sonic leaves. He only calms down after several, several episodes, after assurances from every character that this is just a thing Sonic does, he never sticks around anyway, don’t worry about it.

But still, he definitely attaches himself to this hedgehog for better or for worse.

And it gets worse.

Part VII: Even More Trauma

First we gotta talk about the end of Season One.

At the beginning of the arc, Chris is noticeably... incredibly depressed. He’s also disassociating hardcore. He’s constantly staring into nothing, his face upset, but as soon as someone snaps him back to reality, he forces a smile on his face, acting happy despite going through a ton of negative emotions at once. Almost like he’s trying to behave perfectly.

Chris realizes throughout the episode the attachment he’s gotten to the mobians, and especially Sonic, but even then he still does his best to help them. He steals a chaos emerald and runs off to Eggman in order to get them home, because it will make them happy! Nevermind if it doesn’t make Chris happy. He’s never worried about that anyway.

Of course this backfires and Eggman kidnaps him, and then Chris has to go through the serious trauma of. Well. Being strapped to a wall, forced to watch helplessly as Sonic fucking dies.

And he’s blaming himself for it too.

MAJOR shoutout to Kobayashi’s acting in this scene, holy crap. But he just screams, and then... BREAKS THROUGH METAL?? And GRABS the Chaos Emeralds despite them ELECTRIC SHOCKING HIM???

And then of course we get this incredibly subtle dialogue.

"I will not let you have it. I will not let anyone have it. They’re only mine. Only me. Sonic... Sonic, you’re staying with me forever.”

Immediately after this, Chris almost fucking dies, and is only saved by Super Sonic. When he sees Super Sonic, he reacts by... begging. He drops down, clinging to Sonic and screaming and crying that he is nothing without Sonic.

Chris literally yells that he can’t do anything without Sonic, because that’s how he felt before Sonic. He could not do anything to get anyone to care about him, it only happened when Sonic arrived. So that’s how he sees himself: useless, worthless.

Sonic of course stays, but then dips for six months. When he gets back, a fucking god attacks Chris’s neighborhood, destroying his city. He gets sent away for a month, but that’s interrupted by Sonic being declared a fugitive from the government. Then Chris ends up with Shadow. He gets kidnapped by the goth clone of his emotional support hedgehog. He bonds with the goth clone. He gets the shit beaten out of him begging the goth clone to help save the world. It works, and Shadow runs off to save the planet. And then DIES.

You can tell how traumatized Chris is by this in the next episode. He’s disassociating again, staring at nothing, and eventually asks his uncle if he thinks they can actually live in the same world.

Which is followed by...

Part VIII: The Season Two Finale

We get the rather worrying scene of Chris having to write an essay for his school about his ideal future. Literally all he can think of is that he wants to stay with Sonic forever. He has no other ideals for the future. Just being attached to Sonic.

Only to go downstairs and find out that Sonic HAS to leave. They ALL have to leave. Their dimensions are caving in on themselves and they need to separate.

So he enters the Denial stage of grief.

He seems... dazed. Like he’s in a trance, as he argues that Sonic can’t leave, that all he wants to do is be with Sonic, that he can’t be apart from Sonic because he’s only been able to do things since Sonic got here. This was the first time he’s had agency in his life and he places it all on Sonic.

He decides that it must be Eggman’s fault and literally tracks him down. When he finds out that it’s not Eggman’s fault, he is distraught, and what’s interesting to me is that Eggman seems to get it. He just tells his robots to let him go. Let him be alone. Let him accept it.

Chris then falls back into the depression/disassociation during the entire farewell. He doesn’t emote, he just stares ahead. Something they cut in the English version is that while Chris is politely saying goodbye, throughout the whole scene you can hear his inner monologue screaming. Crying not to let them leave.

So he doesn’t.

The penultimate episode of Season Two is the culmination of Chris’s arc and they do it so beautifully.

Sonic knows Chris is going through a breakdown, and he lets him figure it out for himself. He lets him run off with him, he lets him make the decisions about where they go. Chris starts to realize this but says nothing. They see his tearful parents on TV begging him to come home and he... groans and leaves.

The episode also subtley shows Chris doing things himself. Climbing up the mountain, picking their roads. Sonic is slowly trying to let Chris know he has his own agency. That he is his own person.

They get to the campsite that meant a lot to Chris in his childhood, one of the only times that his parents hung out with him, and he breaks. Asks Sonic why he doesn’t hate him. Why he hangs out with him. If he only hangs out with him out of obligation.

And he comes to the conclusion himself that no, he can’t keep Sonic here. He can’t keep Sonic away from his world just because he has attachment issues. It was what he knew was right in Season One but couldn’t get himself to understand no matter how hard he tried. But now he gets it. And now he can let Sonic go.

The episode is soooo good, sooo fucking good. And then in the season finale, when we see the aftermath of that, when Sonic takes him on one last run and... he sees Sonic crying? Realizes that Sonic does love him and still lets him go? It’s impactful. It’s emotional.

Then when his parents come get him and he just smiles? Because he realizes they did come for him? That if Sonic can love him without obligation, maybe other people do too?

Chris’s severe attachment issues and trauma from being neglected culminated in this episode, and he made a bad choice. And then he made the right one. And that’s so good.

Part IX: Some Season Three Notes

Chris’s inclusion in the third season was... weird. It felt like they didn’t want to animate his adult model so they shoved him into a child body and made an excuse for it. But honestly, after traveling there, you can kinda... tell how much Chris has grown.

He was trying to get back to Sonic, but not because he needed him, but because they were friends. He and his friends wanted to see their friends again. He only went alone because he had a sense Sonic was in danger. And even in the twelve-year-old body, he’s an adult now and he acts like it. His only real emotional issue is that he is upset he can’t fight as well in his kid body, but then he figures out he can be useful with his inventions and finds a place with Tails. He’s basically parenting the rest of them for the rest of the season, telling Cosmo that her impulsiveness reminds him of his younger self. He offers to give up a way to return home because he knows the Metarex problem is bigger than himself.

At the end, when Eggman offers him a way home, you can tell they expected him to freak out about it. They’re shocked when he just says thank you, cries, and leaves immediately. They clearly not only will miss him, but they expected him to freak out like he did at the age of twelve. But he’s not twelve anymore. He’s spent the last six years surrounded by people who love him, healing from his trauma, and becoming his own person. So now he isn’t unhealthily attached to Sonic, and he can say goodbye if he has to. That growth, so subtly in the background of the season, really impressed me.

Part X: Fandom Reaction

On June 24 2022, I posted this meme to both twitter and tumblr.

On tumblr I got no pushback and a few agreements. On twitter I got a tidal wave of discourse, which tells you a lot about the two sites but regardless, this is the first time I get to ratio my commenters cause as of today, it has 23.4k likes and only 161 replies and 156 quote tweets. So that’s barely over 300 people (TOPS, considering several replies were positive) arguing against 23,400. So I may not be the only one thinking this!

But even still, with this being my most viral post atm, I got so many people bitching about Chris still. Even after all these years, he’s despised for being so annoying. And what is it? Is it really the fact that he got main charactered over Sonic? Really, I thought that was a plus of the show, that Sonic was a static figure that influenced what was around him. It doesn’t work for every Sonic property, but it did for this one. Was it just a hatred for humans in the franchise? Probably not, everyone loved Helen and the recent movies.

I really do think a vast majority of it is his realistic reaction to the trauma of neglect. “Ugly” trauma symptoms, like attachment issues, impulsive destructive behavior, aggressiveness, and selfishness, they are not looked upon kindly. Just look at how TikTok picks and chooses cute parts of mental illnesses and calls the rest “toxic.” And yes, sometimes mental illness can cause you to be toxic! And sometimes you’re just mentally ill! Sometimes you just have bad days and bad decisions and horrible mental states, and sometimes, life gets better. Sometimes life gets better and you begin to heal, and that’s what Chris’s arc was about, about him slowly gaining his own agency and starting to heal from his abandonment trauma. And he does this through the help of others. But with him having several moments where he reverts, several moments where his healing is non-linear, viewers see it as an annoying personality trait, not a trauma symptom he is trying to overcome. And one that he does. I cannot emphasize enough that he does overcome this and that the narrative specifically focuses on it. I’ve seen so many people say it was a writing flaw, that they never criticized Chris for his attachment to Sonic... it’s the focus of two season finales, what are you talking about? I think at that point, it’s just you.

Just think about why you find him annoying. You do not have to like Chris as a character but please recognize that his arc is a realistic portrayal of a neglected child and that’s why he is the way he is.

Part XI: Conclusion

I was gonna write a full-ass conclusion here but tumblr’s already trying to kill me over wordcount so uh. tl;dr Chris isn’t annoying he’s a traumatized child and this is something the narrative notices, examines, and resolves. What this means is that it’s not a writing problem, it’s a character flaw brought on by trauma that his character arc makes him heal from.

Leave him alone.

[drdemonprince]

I know people got angry about the "talking about caffeine like any other drug" thing but I think it's so helpful not just to discuss the arbitrary lines between legal and illegal substances but also for informed consent purposes *with* caffeine itself. For example my use of alcohol has changed drastically since reading Unmasking Autism because I didn't realize I was only able to interact with allistics in the context of relaxed social rules when everybody was drinking. Now that I have that information my decisions around it are much different (basically using alcohol only when I *want* to get the feelings it gives me, and when I have to interact with people using other coping strategies instead).

I can't quit caffeine right now, but I might reduce its use in the future and only use it when I want that caffeinated feeling and not to keep up with work like I do now. Which I didn't even think about before, precisely because even though I rationally knew it was a drug I never thought of it as a "drug-drug".

Yo yessss thank you!!! Informed consent means being fully apprised of the risks and benefits of a substance, and having the freedom to choose when to use it. Currently, very few of us enjoy that level of empowered freedom with just about any substance that we use.

Our doctors don't tell us about all the risks of the drugs we are on (I'm still bitter as hell nobody told me that my muscle development would be stunted by going on hormonal birth control at 18!!! and that it would give me lasting breast growth), and the substances that are not medically prescribed but legal are ones that many of us quaff without thought, and without ever being told the effects of. For instance, did you know prolonged use of Benadryl increases the risk of developing Alzheimers??? I didn't! and i was using that shit to fall asleep and regulate anxiety for a time!!

In the United States in particular there is no open conversation with young people about the potential effects of alcohol, how the drug can act like a mild stimulant in smaller doses but then ricochet into massively depressing effects after hours of use, with an anxiety spike hours beyond that as it leaves the system. We don't talk to people about the effects of caffeine -- and that it's not necessarily normal for so many people to deal with daily gastric issues, trouble falling asleep, trouble sitting still, and intense irritability all day long as presently do.

Some people are just like that, some people have anxiety disorders and benefit from anti-anxiety meds to treat those symptoms, some people find ways of coping with it that involve mindfulness or meditation or whatever else -- but a great number of people who experience these issues are only going through them because they're on caffeine and they're working too hard. And what they've come to believe is an inevitable part of their chemistry is in fact economically and socially created from the outside, and could be prevented if they were only able to stop.

but many of them can't stop. because of capitalism. and so they aren't informed about the real risks & costs of the substances they are using, and they aren't freely able to revoke their (dubious) consent.

meanwhile as someone who only started using weed regularly about a year and a half ago and who is now curious about trying psychedelics, ive been lovingly inundated in helpful tips, usage guides, listings of various strains and their distinct effects, lab results testing doses, etc from the people I know who are passionate about those substances and want to ensure that anybody else using them has a good time.

I don't want to paint these substances with a pollyannaish brush either -- weed can trigger hallucinations and psychotic episodes in some segments of the population, a fact that too many ardent weed heads ignore -- but the difference in the level of control I have over my experience as a weed user and the utter lack of information and self-determination I have when seeking out prescribed meds, or even ingesting caffeine, is unreal.

So many foods covertly contain caffeine or openly are caffeinated yet don't document how many milligrams of the substance it has, for example. It's impossible to safely and responsibly use a substance when you don't even know how much you're getting, and it's bizarre we're all being dosed with stimulants all day long often without even realizing it.

this might seem like a low-importance example, and people will say to me dismissively that caffeine doesn't ruin any lives, but when I look back on how much I've used the substance to further my eating disorder and how many people i've been short and cruel-tempered with over the years because i was downing cups and cups of the stuff all day without reflection, i'm not sure i believe that argument.

but of course all roads in this conversation lead back to capitalism. i wouldnt have been drinking this stuff with abandon if i hadn't been trying to shove three days of work into a single 8 hours, and if my culture and economic system hadn't been foisting the stuff on me from day one.

my uncle says that i was always a deeply anxious kid, i guess it was something that my grandmother fretted about as well, and yet when i decided in my teens to start boosting that anxiety with caffeine every day, and became even more moody and negative, nobody connected the dots, and nobody thought to warn me. and why would they, nobody warned them.

[whatissleepeven]

Okay so imagine the brothers are offered back their divinity if they kill the MC. How would they react? (Oh or for more angst- get back Lilith in exchange for MC’s life?)

Ohohoho, is this angst hour I sense? Thank you for this ask, and I’m...sorry in advance for the heavy feelings-

(Me: Okay angst time, time to play the appropriate song

*begins playing Spiderman Pizza Delivery Theme*

Me: let’s begin)

Trigger Warnings: Panic Attack (Beel’s Prompt), PTSD Symptoms (Also Beel’s Prompt), Talk of Loss

----------------------------

Obey Me! Brothers’ Reactions To An Ultimatum

Lucifer

Well, he certainly does think about it.

No, not about the divinity...but about Lilith.

They could have her back in their lives? All for the price of one human?

This human, who has caused him nothing but grief and throws themselves head-first into danger.

If this was towards the beginning of the program, he’d be more inclined to take it-

But he doesn’t.

He can’t do that to you. Not you. You, who had repaired their broken family. You, who had seen all of their flaws and strengths and passions and fears and embraced them.

You, who continues to smile so brightly and say his name with utmost faith in him.

He lowers his arm. You look fearful, but...resigned. Like it will be fine, like it was okay if he killed you.

He hates it.

“Does your life matter to you that little?”

You smile sadly, and a small portion of him wants to scream. No no no, it cries out, this isn’t how you’re supposed to be! Your smiles aren’t supposed to be full of sorrow!

“Your sister meant-...means a lot to you. To all of you. Who am I to take that away, huh?”

He walks over to you, his steps measured. You close your eyes, waiting for the killing blow-

A weight settles on your head, giving it a few rubs. “You are worth more than you could ever know. Remember that.”

He continues to walk, heading out the door. A few tears drip from your face onto the floor.

He could care less about his divinity. If he had to choose here or the Celestial Realm, he’d much rather stay here. He knows, deep in his heart, that Lilith lived a long and successful life.

You, however, are irreplaceable.

Mammon

“H-Hey...ya gotta be kidding me.”

“Well?” You grin, holding your arms out. Your stance is peaceful, like all you’re asking for is a hug. But he knows better.

Divinity and Lilith? All for killing-...

For killing you?

He hates this. He hates the look in your eyes, hates the trust you’re showing him, and hates your bleeding heart that’s just waiting to be taken for granted. Hell, it already has been taken for granted.

“What do you think you’re doin’, playin’ the hero? Wanting to sacrifice yourself? You think that’ll make us happy?!” Tears gather in the corners of his eyes.

You lower your arms, shocked. “Wha-”

You let out a small oomph as he tackles you into a hug, pulling you close.

“You’re trembling, ya idiot.” He mumbles, and you feel something wet drip onto your shirt. He’s crying, you realize. He’s crying because this hurts him.

“Mammon...I-”

He pulls back to clamp his hands down onto your shoulders. “Save it!” He barks forcefully, making you blink. “Ya really thought I’d give all this up? For something that’s already happened? I like what we got goin’ here. My brothers like this life way better than the ones we had in the Celestial Realm. Everyone’s happier lately, and it’s ‘cause of you.”

The minute trembling that ran through your body before returns in full force, tears pooling forth as you grip his shirt. He pulls you back into the hug, and you feel safe. That’s right; he’s your number one protector, the Avatar of Greed.

How could you forget that?

He grins, reaching a hand up to ruffle your hair in a playful manner. You laugh thickly, your tears still falling. “You’re stuck with the Great Mammon, and don’tcha forget it!”

Because you are his priceless treasure. Not Lilith, not some stupid divinity...

You.

Leviathan

Leviathan has always been the outcast.

His passions, his fears, his confidence...All of those are wildly different from his brothers’. He’s not as close as Beel and Belphie are, or as Lucifer and Mammon are, or as Asmo and Satan are.

He’s the black sheep of the family.

“Y-You’re leaving it up to me...?”

You nod. Oh, how he wishes this was just a run-through of an anime script. You two would spend long hours into the night reading the lines and acting them out, repeating each scene until it was done flawlessly.

But reality is far too cruel.

“It’s your family. Your story. I’m just a side character, if you will.”

Your smile is cynical. He wants nothing more than to throw his spare Ruri-chan blanket around your shoulders and force you to marathon the entire series of “I Love My Best Friend But I Get Everything Back If I Kill Them...I Have A Choice To Make!”.

He takes a step forward. Then another. “You...Why would you do that?”

You laugh, a warm sound that serves to make his stomach knot with dread.

“Because I love you guys, why else?”

Silence. He doesn’t know what to say. What’s the right thing to do? What can he do, with his small confidence?

He’s struck with a memory, of the two of you gaming in his room. He had felt terrible due to his brothers critiquing his love for anime to the point he started to berate himself for it, and you merely patted his shoulder while telling him words he’d never forget.

“There’s things only you can do, Levi. So when you start to overthink...just feel, and let your body handle the rest.”

It’s time to take you up on your advice.

“Ghk-!” You stumble as he lunges at you, the both of you toppling to the floor. He’s crying, clinging to you like a lifeline.

“I-I could never kill the Henry to my Lord of Shadows...Every Lord of Shadows only has one Henry...!!”

Leviathan has always been the outcast. He still is, but when he’s with you he feels like he belongs.

Satan

“No.”

“...Huh.” You blink at him. You’re not sure if you heard him right. Did he just-...say “no”?

“No.” He says again, his eyes narrowing. “Please tell me you’re joking about this.”

Why? Why would you throw away your life like that? For their “happiness”? Give him a break.

“What do you think you’re accomplishing by doing this?” His voice starts quiet, growing in volume as he steps towards you. You backpedal, not expecting the angered response, which only serves to fuel his fury.

“Do you think it’d make us happy? Do you think we’d jump at the chance to sacrifice you for something that’s better long forgotten? Do you really think so little of us? Well? ANSWER ME!!”

You flinch as he gets in your personal space, only to freeze when arms wrap around you and squeeze you tight.

“I was born from Lucifer’s wrath, the only bona-fide demon among my other brothers. For a long time, all I knew was anger and hate,” he whispers, stubbornly refusing to look at your shocked gaze. “I began to read to learn more, to be able to feel other emotions. But the anger and hate stayed, concealed by the thin veil I constructed to make myself more likeable. More polite. More charming.”

He wanted nothing to do with Lucifer. He wanted it so bad it hurt. So he built himself a brand-new personality, becoming someone others could rely on, all so he could spite him.

And then you came along.

Your eyes water as you realize that you feel him shaking. “I never met her, you know, but I’ve seen her through his eyes. I feel his lingering pain, and sometimes it makes me want to tear my own chest out,” he says, voice wobbling. “But to ask you to do that...to give you up for something I have no right to feel upset about...it’s something I won’t do. Ever. Not when you saved me.”

You rest your hand on his back as you return the hug, a choked sob escaping you. “Satan, I-”

“You saved me.” He whispers fervently. “Do you understand? That means everything.”

You claw the back of his shirt, your breath hitching as you succumb to your tears. You both end up falling to the floor, hugging each other like your lives depend on it.

He doesn’t need divinity he’s never had. No, not when he has you.

Asmodeus

“Oh, love...you...”

He could go back? He could go back and get his little sister back?

But if he did, then you’d-...you’d...

“I know how much you miss being the Jewel of the Heavens.” You say, sitting next to him. It’s supposed to be a quiet night, one where you both relax and take care of each other, but then this opportunity appeared and-

He...didn’t know what to do.

- No, that was a lie. He knew exactly what to do. There was only ever one option for him.

“I’m hurt.”

You look over at him, surprised. His voice is small and he’s pouting, but there’s a tremble in his bottom lip as his eyes shine with unshed tears.

“I’m hurt, you know!” He repeats, and by now you’re pretty sure your mouth hangs open. “I’m hurt that you’d think so low of me!”

You scramble to explain. “Asmo, that’s not-”

“But it is!” He cries, interrupting you. “It’s exactly that! Did you think I would actually take that chance?!”

Your eyes soften. You go to place a hand on his shoulder, only to still when he slaps it away. “...Asmo.”

He throws himself at you, wrapping his arms around your neck as he clings to you. You don’t have the heart to throw him off, wrapping your own arms around him.

“We’ve come all this way because of you.” He murmurs against you. “And you’re the only one who loves me for me. Although, my looks are definitely a strong point-”

You chuckle weakly, feeling your own tears start to fall. He smiles once he hears you, happy to know that he lifted your mood even if it was just by a little.

“-if I gave you up, these past years would have been for nothing. So, no; I won’t do it. Besides, have you seen the following I have down here? I’m on my way to becoming the Jewel of Devildom!”

You move one hand to rest on his head, a warm smile spreading across your face. You don’t notice how he looks at your expression with awe and adoration, giving his head a few pats.

“I know you can do it.”

Well. With you by his side, he can do anything.

Beelzebub

This isn’t happening. This- This can’t be happening.

Not again...not again...!

He grasps his chest and stumbles back from you, and he hears the way you call his name with worry in your voice. You sound far away, he thinks to himself. Are you already dead? Where is he? Did he fail again? Is this the Celestial War? Maybe that’s why he smells iron, hears screaming, hears himself screaming. It’ll explain the pain at least, and he would chuckle if he wasn’t too busy gasping for air.

Ah, his heart feels like it’s on fire it hurts so bad. Is it tearing itself in two? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what to do...he doesn’t know who to choose-

It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. It hurts...!

“Beel, can you hear me? Take deep breaths. Okay? Please, breathe!”

- Huh?

He feels something on his face. What is that?

Oh, this warmth...It’s almost like-

Your name falls from his lips. You sigh in relief, sitting back.

“I’m glad you’re okay. How do you feel?”

How do you feel? You just said it was okay if he chose his angel status and Lilith over you, and you’re asking him how do you feel?

He lowers his hands, frowning at you. “...Why did you ask me?”

His voice is small. Fragile. Your heart breaks at the sound of it, tears building as you see his form shake.

“Why did you ask me, when the last time I did something I murdered my sister?”

You pat his arm, reaching a hand over to give him a side hug. “Remember what Lucifer said. She wasn’t murdered; she lived happily as a human, right up until she died of old age.”

All the more reason not to do it.

He sinks into your hold. You shoulder his weight with no complaints. “I can’t do it. You’re family; I-” he swallows past the lump in his throat, tears streaming down his face. “...I love you too much.”

Because he could care less about his angel status. Because Lilith already lived her life of peace. It still hurts, but you were the one to hold his hand when he had nightmares. You were the one who saw past his intimidating form and hung out with him.

You are important, and Beelzebub will take on the Celestial Realm himself if anything happened to you.

Belphegor

...He’s quiet.

Well, it’s to be expected. He hates humanity, and it’s his younger sister we’re talking about here, not to mention how close they were.

“So?” You ask as you lean back, the wall of the planetarium supporting your weight. “I don’t mind if you choose her and your status. It’s-”

“I could give a rat’s ass about my status as an angel.” He snaps. “Just shut up for a second and listen.”

You shut your mouth. What were you gonna say to that? An angry Belphie is not a Belphie to speak lightly with.

You jolt a bit as you feel hands lightly smack against your cheeks, smooshing your face. He tugs your head so that you’re staring at him, and it’s then that you notice how his eyes waver.

“I killed you,” he says, his brows furrowing, “I killed you. And yet you’d let me choose?”

You snort, raising a hand to cover his own. “Yep. Your move, Sleeping Beauty.”

He doesn’t understand. Why would you give him that power? He had robbed you from your family when he took your life. He temporarily washed out your future.

Did you really trust him that much...?

“It tore Beel and I apart when we learned she was dead. I-...I blamed myself.” He starts, and you don’t have the heart to stop him. Not when you already made peace with your end. “I started eating less, sleeping more. I despised Lucifer, and I despised all of humanity for taking my little sister away from me.”

You remained quiet. He lets out a frustrated huff, shaking you a bit.

“And then you came. You freed me from that place, you mended what was broken, and you-...you forgave me. And I will never betray that trust; not now, and not in the future.”

He bumps his forehead against yours, closing his eyes. You close yours as well, feeling the tears drip from your face and onto the floor. He’s...choosing you? Over everything he’s ever wanted?

What did you do to deserve someone like him in your life?

“So don’t you forget it, you idiot.”

[ahmementos]

Hazards of The Job

I'm not sure if I'll manage all the prompts as real life kinda went wild, but I'll still write some for the rest of the month on a pick and choose basis.

Febuwhump Day 11 : Fever

Happy Ending On Ao3

You didn’t just have a fever, not in Leon’s line of work.  It was worse than a typical person googling their symptoms on WebMD.  You had to figure out when the last time you had a dangerous mission was.  You had to double and triple check your body for cuts or abrasions that looked infected in the worst way possible the doctors might have missed.  If you had a fever, you had to report it to work so their doctors could run a multitude of tests.  

When you already had a prior infection inside you, it sent you down a never ending spiral of dread and anxiety.  Your mind plays tricks on you.  You start to remember every pain you had when infected.  You cross reference the aches and pains you currently have with the ones you had over a decade ago that were as fresh as remembering what you did or didn’t have for breakfast.  

When you hear the front door to the apartment open up, you dread giving Chris that key.  “It’s a fever,” Leon groaned, too weak to do much else from his position on the bed.  “Get the fuck out.”

“You have been at a desk doing paperwork for a week and before that it was training at the on-site range.”  Chris brought in two bags of food that contained what looked to be soup containers.  “It is probably the flu that’s going around at work.”

“Got my flu shot,” Leon mumbled against his pillow.

“And we both know that shit doesn’t always stop it from happening.”  Chris grabbed the thermometer from the nightstand.  “Open up.”  

Leon didn’t fight the order.

“Don’t let that fall,” Chris added as he pulled out what was very clearly soup from one of the bags.  “If you turn into a zombie, I’ll shoot you, okay?”

Leon rolled his eyes; obviously taking his temperature was a tactic to shut him up, not that he had the energy to really sass him back anyway.

The electronic beep told Chris the temp was taken and he pulled the thermometer away and stared at the numbers.  “What was it earlier?”

“102.”

Chris nodded.  “It’s 100.9 now.  Our lines of infection to worry about run upwards to 104.”  He sat down on the bed and smoothed his hand against Leon’s warm skin.  “Unfortunately for you and your death wish, you just might live.”

“Fuck you,” he mumbled but allowed Chris to help him sit up against pillows.  “I feel like shit.”

“It’s a pretty bad flu this year.”  He dipped the spoon into the container and moved the soup closer to Leon’s mouth.  “You have to eat.”

Leon stared at the soup and the moving contents slithering in and out of the broth.  “It’s moving.”  He looked up at the drooling monstrosity that was definitely not Chris and was too weak to move.  “Jesus fucking Christ…”

*

“Leon, wake up!”  

The feeling of Chris’ hands on his shoulders jolted him back to consciousness.  “Fuck,” was all he could get out before he had to lean away from Chris and vomit.  Black liquid splashed against the broken cement he’d been sitting down on.  It may have been blood but the darkness of the abandoned sewer entrance made it all seem black.  Knowing his luck, it was black, which meant the infection had progressed to a dangerous point.

“Are you still you?”  Chris gestured to his side at the soldier who had a gun trained on Leon’s forehead to make him stand down.  

“Just kill me.”  It was jarring to be in one place then suddenly meet the glaring reminder that you were actually infected while on duty and waiting on an antivirus that might not even work.  They’d vacated the lab and found a sewer tunnel entrance just beyond the facility to keep Leon secure while a cure was located.  

Second time in a row, too, and Leon wasn’t sure his luck was going to hold for a second miracle.  Did he want to die?  No, but he also didn’t want to become the job, either.

The soldier lowered the weapon.  “Yeah, that’s Kennedy.”

Chris might have growled under his breath before he started removing enough of Leon’s jacket to have access to his shoulder.  “I told you,” he said softly.  “You aren’t dying today, damn it.”

Leon was sure he looked amazing, black liquid already drying against his lips and his hair plastered from sweat against his forehead.  “I was looking forward to it.”  He didn’t wince when the injection burned through his body; the fever cooking him from the inside out decided the antivirus just felt like a slight tickle.  

“Now we wait.”  Chris gestured for the soldier to guard outside the perimeter.  “I told you if it doesn’t work, I’ll handle it.  Go guard the entrance.”

“Yes sir.”  

Leon didn’t watch the soldier leave but the heavy boots signaled his departure.  Gravel shuffled in cadence with footfalls retreating outside the broken down sewer entrance they’d bunkered down in.  It left the suffocating presence of Chris Redfield’s overwhelming guilt and possible looming loss.  “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, Leon.”  Chris had his handgun out but his other hand was holding Leon’s.  “You’re going to be fine.”

“I don’t want to be another loss you shut down over.”  Leon couldn’t bring himself to look at him.  He couldn’t stand to see those puppy dog eyes.  He didn’t want to recognize that impending dread lining Chris’ face.  “I can do it myself.”

“No one is doing anything right now.”  Chris didn’t outright sound defeated, but he sounded uncharacteristically quiet.

Leon’s fingers attempted to grip Chris’ hand tighter but he could only manage a light squeeze.  “This isn’t your fault, Chris.”  

They both knew he was going to blame himself, regardless of the outcome.  

“Just put a barricade up and go finish the mission.”  Leon tried to sit up and fell against the bricks for his efforts.  “I’ll either be recovering when you get done or I’ll need to be put down when you get back.”

“Mission is being handled.”  Chris tried to reach out and help him sit up but Leon shook his head.  

“Without the commanding officer.”  Leon swallowed down bile; he refused to vomit a second time with Chris sitting there.

Chris nodded.  “They can handle it.”

“You can’t handle this though.”  Leon managed to turn his head and finally looked at Chris.  “I don’t know if I can handle having to look you in the eyes if you have to put me down.”

“I can’t handle leaving you here, worrying out there if you are even going to be you when I get back.”

Leon forced his other hand to rest on top of Chris’.  “You’re an idiot.”

Chris almost seemed to relax at the insult.  “I love you, too, asshole.”

[linasobsessions]

Are you sure about that? OR 4 times you were just a hookup + the one time you weren't {Matthew Tkachuk}

AN: First time writing on this blog after probably one and a half years. But this idea just kinda stuck in my head

Word count: 3.2k

1.

Hooking up with Matthew was easy. The first time he took you home was after a night out at a local bar with his teammates, just having won an important game and being a step closer to clinching a playoff spot. You had been out with your girlfriends trying to escape the stress of college exams.

You already had a couple of drinks and since your friends were much wilder than you, you decided to get some water to sober up a little. At least one of you had to stay conscious this time and not black out. Waiting on your drink you tapped your fingers on the wood of the bar to the beat of the music playing in the background when you felt another person sliding in next to you.

Deciding to ignore it you took your water that was finally handed to you. You pulled some bills out of your pocket to pay but were stopped midway.

"Put it on my tab."

The deep voice left a shiver down your spine as you turned your head to look at the man next to you. The first thing you noticed was the curly blonde mop of hair on his head, wild and tamed at the same time with racing stripes shaves into the sides. You let your eyes wander to his face, over his sharp, scruffy jawline to his clear blue eyes. His lips wore an smirk that made you want to roll your eyes at him as the next sentence left his mouth.

"Are you Tennessee?"

He went back to smirking as you only raised your left eyebrow. He leaned down so his mouth was close to your ear, making sure you heard every word he said. This could either go really good or really bad.

"Because you're the only ten I see."

Now you did roll your eyes. And it seemed like he was enjoying that he was annoying you. You leaned back to get more distance between the two of you and looked into his eyes. They shone with mischief and you made it your mission to put him in his place.

"Did this line ever really work?"

He shook his head and looked down at the beer in his hand. You noticed his hands fidgeting around the bottle. Was he nervous?

"No. But I thought someone like you would be annoyed at a line like this. And I was right. You see, it's kind of like my job to get under people's skin and it seems to work outside of that too. I'm Matthew."

He held his hand out to you. And as much as he annoyed you, you were intrigued by him as a person. He seemed like someone you had to get to know. So you accepted his handshake and told him your name as well. Back was the smirk on his face and you knew another remark would follow.

"It fits. A gorgeous name for a gorgeous person."

Your head snapped down in an attempt to hide the blush that was spreading over your cheeks. Grumbling a 'shut up' while shoving his shoulder. That pick up line started out an amazing conversation and at the end of the night you and Matthew were like old friends. During the conversation you switched back to cocktails so it was no surprise that you were getting more affectionate. While Matt was telling a story about how he beat up his younger brother Brady when he was twelve you couldn't help yourself to reach your hand out and run your hands through his curls. It was incredibly soft and your sexual frustration made you wonder what it would feel like to tug on it while his head was between your legs. Matt seemed to notice you starting to press your legs together to relive the pressure between your legs. Back was the smirk of the beginning of the night as he rested his hand on the top of your thigh and leaned in again. Your noses were brushing and if one of you moved only one inch your lips would touch. It made you restless.

"You wanna get out of here? My apartment is just around the corner."

You nodded and he paid for the drinks and pulled you outside to get to his apartment. The rest of the night was spent kissing each and every inch of skin with hands roaming around each other. Your bodies were moving in synch and if wouldn't have felt so amazing you might have been worried about the fact that his body felt familiar to you already.

When you were done he fell into the pillows next to you, both of you panting heavily. Assuming this would probably be a one time thing you got up to clean yourself up in the bathroom before starting to get dressed. Matthew lifted his head and looked at you through half-closed eyes. As he noticed you were getting dressed he sat up and fidgeted with his hands again.

"So this might sound weird. But can we do this again? I had a really good time tonight and I feel like we could be really good friends."

Confused by his words you raised an eyebrow for one last time that night. His face now wore a smug smile as his thoughts seemed to have traveled further.

"And the sex is great. So it would be a win-win situation for us. I just can't do a relationship right now and it would be cool if we'd have a casual thing."

As you shimmied back into your jeans you let out a giggle. And then you noticed your blouse on the floor. Ripped. He really had ripped your favorite blouse. Your eyes searched through his bedroom to find something else to wear. And you were successful. Grabbing the Grey hoddie laying on the floor and pulling it over your head you turned back to Matt to give him a cheeky grin.

"Well since we're friends now you won't mind me taking this, do you? Give me your phone so I can put my number in there."

He handed you his phone and you saved in your number with a wink emoji next to it. You gave it back to him and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

"Until next time Matty."

And you were out of his apartment.

-----

2.

The the next couple of month the hookups with Matthew became more and more regular. But you also became really good friends. You hung out at his apartment a lot and you could talk about anything and everything for hours. The flutter of your heart and the butterflies in your stomach when you were with him were blatantly ignored. You couldn't afford to fall in love with him. He had been clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship so you granted him his wish. That didn't mean that your heart didn't ache when his phone lit up with a text from another one of his hookups and he was quick to kick you out of his apartment. Not that you would ever tell him that though.

Even when you now were considered close friends it still surprised you when Matt invited you to a team party. They had clinched a playoff spot and were now celebrating it. At first you didn't want to go. You didn't know any of his teammates and in no way wanted to intrude on their celebration. But Matt had insisted.

"Come on, babe. I need you there. You're on of my closest friends. It wouldn't be the same without you."

Babe. That had been a nickname he began using for you. It didn't help the feelings blossoming in your chest. It made it even worse. And that's also what made you break in the end.

The amount of people in Mark Giordano's house was overwhelming. People were crowding around a beer pong table and you could see some space had been made in the dining room to have a dance floor. Matthew pulled you into the kitchen first. He knew you weren't that great with new people and really shy at first. So he would get you a drink to loosen up and make you more open. While your drink was strong he just grabbed himself a beer and pulled you further to the living room. He soon found Noah and Jonny who smirked as they saw him approach with you holding his hand. Noah saw this as an ultimate opportunity to tease Matt.

"Oh would you look at that! Chucky got himself a girl. About time!"

Your cheeks glowed with a blush while Matthew only laughed and made sure to disagree with him.

"Noah shut your mouth. This is my friend (Y/N). I told you about her."

You looked at Matthew with wide eyes. He had told his teammates about you? What else had he told them?

Noah and Jonny introduced themselves to you and before the conversation could start up again a brunette head full of locks pushed themselves between Matt, Noah, Jonny and yourself.

"Matthew you brought someone! We seriously need more girls here. To even out all this testosterone."

You blushed yet again. Why would they not stop assuming you were together. The girl grabbed your hand and gave you a bright smile.

"I'm Meredith, Jonny's fiancé. Come on. I'll introduce you to the rest of the girls."

Before you could say anything else, Meredith had already pulled you away from Matthew. The rest of the night wasn't as bad as you would have thought. The girls were incredibly nice and with a couple more drinks in you were dancing with all the girls. It was a fun time.

Something you didn't notice though, was that Matt was keeping an eye on you the entire night. And it was so blatantly obvious to everyone else except for you two. Jonny nudged Noah when he noticed Matt looking after you yet again.

"Just a hook up my ass. Look at him."

------

3.

Sadly the season had ended sooner for the Flames than they would have liked. Being eliminated from the playoffs in the first round wasn't a great feeling and it was showing. The whole city felt like it was in a slump. You could only be thankful that Matt was back in St. Louis so he wouldn't have to witness it. Even if you missed his presence.

Back in St. Louis Matthew was also missing you. He had gotten so used to talkinh to you so often and spending time with you as much as he could that he swore that he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. He constantly checked his phone to look if you had texted him and was looking through old photos of you. And again. It was incredibly obvious something had change.

Brady thought his brother was sick because he wasn't chirping him as much anymore. But then he heard Matt talking to you over the phone. He had never heard Matthew talk so soft with someone. Usually it always was snarky remarks and sometimes even straight up rudeness. But this was something else. Compliments, encouraging words and even the phrase 'I miss you'. There had to be something up with him. So he brought it up at breakfast the next morning.

Everyone else was already down at the kitchen table. Brady and Taryn were eating breakfast while Keith was reading the daily newspaper and Chantal making herself breakfast when Matthew came down. He looked like he had just rolled out of bed, which he did. What his family didn't know tho was that he had been on the phone with you for hours, even falling asleep on facetime at about 3 am. Matt rubbed his eyes as he pulled a bowl out of a cabinet and made himself some cereal. And Brady, on brand with he was, saw the perfect opportunity to embarrass his big brother.

"Matt, who were you talking to last night?"

Matt's head shot up so fast it was almost impossible. The kitchen went silent as four pairs of eyes were now on Matthew's face. He felt a blush creep up on his cheeks. Chantal narrowed her eyes at her son's blushing cheeks. He never blushed. Not even when he was young and had his first crush on a girl. Never. So this was news to the whole family.

"Uhm-"

Matt brought his hand up to scratch the back of his newly cut hair. You had scolded him last night that he better get back to clagary with curls or else. You were about as intimidating as a playful puppy, but he would never tell you that.

"I talked to a friend. She's back in Calgary and going through a tough time with college right now. "

Now Taryn's eyes were the ones narrowing. Damn those Tkachuk girls and their true suspicions.

"A female friend? Is that even possible for you?"

Matthew rolled his eyes. Of course his sister would eventually chirp her brother. He should be used to it by now. No family member is safe from chirping. Maybe their mom. But otherwise no one.

"Yes a female friend. We only hooked up a couple of times. She's just a friend that I have fun with from time to time."

The whole family except for Matthew let out a groan. No one wanted to know what or who he was doing in his free time. But Brady was still not convinced with that answer. There had to be something else.

"I don't belive you. You would not be this soft for someone who is just a hook up or a friend. There's no way."

Matthew tilted his head at the statement of his brother as if he wanted to challenge Brady.

"Well she is. Don't put your nose in my business."

-------

4.

The emotion in the locker room were going wild. Defeating the leafs was one thing but defeating them at home with a shutout was something else. Matt had scored a goal so it was understandable he was over the moon. As they started to get out of their gear Matt looked at his phone. Just as he had expected it showed a text you sent immediately after the game. A smile lit up his face.

'Congratulations Superstar. You played a good game today, that goal was incredible. I'm so proud of you. Btw thanks for letting me stay at yours. I would have never been able to concentrate with my roommates at home.'

Gio, who had been aware of the situation with you both, noticed him looking down at his phone. It was as if Matt had heart eyes. And he had been observing the pining for too long. He had to say something.

"(Y/N) texted you?"

Matt looked up from his phone and at his captain. He nodded with the smile still on his face.

"Yeah. She congratulated us on the win and thanked me that she could stay at my apartment."

Now it was Gio's turn to look confused.

"Wait -. She's staying at your apartment? Why?"

Matthew shrugs as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

"Yeah. Her roommates are always incredibly loud so when exams are coming up I let her stay at my apartment. She can concentrate better then."

Gio shook his head, not believing what he was hearing. And he's had enough. It was about time Matthew realized what was on front of him.

"Are you sure she's just a hookup? Well friend with benefits or whatever."

Matt nodded, completely sure of his answer.

There's was no way you were more than a friend, was there?

"Well it seems different to me. You spend like all your free time together. You bring her to teamparties and then watch her so nothing happens to her. When we're on the road you're constantly texting and she's staying at your apartment while you're not there because she's studying. Sounds a lot like a committed relationship to me. Figure it out. Before one of you gets hurt."

It was like an enlightenment for Matt. He realized that every little thing had first been done because of the connection you both had. That connection had later been turned into love. He had fallen in love with you without even knowing it. But he was sure that you felt the same.

He couldn't wait to get home to you. The whole flight back to Calgary he had been antsy and was fidgeting with his hands. Something he knowhe had done since he met you. You made him nervous.

He opened his apartment door to find you sitting at the kitchen table with your laptop and books scattered all over it. You were still studying. With long strides he walked up to you, something you haven't seen him do before.

"Matty what -"

You couldn't even finish your sentence before his lips were on yours. His hands cupped your cheeks as you clutched onto his wrists. Still overwhelmed with that kiss you couldn't bring a word out. Matthew could.

"I am completely, utterly, stupidly in love with you. And I know you feel the same. I'm so sorry that I'm such an idiot and didn't notice before."

With a small smile you moved your hand from his wrist to his cheek as you pulled him to you to kiss him yet again.

"You're right. I am absolutely in love with you too, Matthew Tkachuk."

------

+1

You were back in the bar you first met Matt. It brought back good memories and you couldn't wait to make more. Different to that, you were now out with the Flames and the other WAGS to celebrate an important home win. You and Matt were sitting in a booth with Jonny and Meredith as you and her were talking about the wedding preparations she had made. Matthew was talking with Jonny about something completely different but the slight glances and his hand on your thigh made you aware of his constant presence and his protective nature over you. Not that you were complaining.

After you had talked about the wedding bouquets her and Jonny had chosen, you turned to Matt.

"Babe, I'm gonna get myself something to drink. You want something?"

He shook his head and pecked your lips.

"No baby, I'm good. You go ahead."

You made your way to the bar and ordered something to drink as you felt someone tapping your shoulder. Assuming it was one of the WAGS you turned around with a smile that quickly fell when you saw the stranger before you.

One thing you could describe him as was sleazy. He had gelled back hair and his smirk was probably supposed to ooze confidence. For you it just made your hair stand up. And not in a good way.

"Hey. You alone here? I can show you a good time."

He moved closer as you pressed yourself against the bar and were looking around for your boyfriend.

"Actually-"

You didn't have a chance to finish your sentence as you heard the voice of your boyfriend freeing you from this suffocating and uncomfortable situation.

"Hey! That's my fucking girlfriend, you dipshit!"

[all-things-fic]

Country Lane | Divorce Harry III

Thank you all for waiting for this one. Massive middle finger to tumblr for screwing the post up! Divorce Harry III is finally here!

Shoutout to my lovely ladies who taking time to read this for me @harrytheehottie, @harryfeatgaga, @haute-romance-quotidienne and of course @waitingfortwilight. Also, thank you to all my lovely anons and those of you who come off anon to talk about this, I’ve really loved the general chit chat about the series <3

Without further ado, enjoy! Lots of love and happy Saturday! x

*~*

You had no idea where you were. 

Surrounded by nothing but overgrown grass and the odd wooden fence. If you listened carefully in the distance you could hear the traffic of what you thought could be the A34 road and you were pretty sure that the last sign you had seen before your car cut out had been for Congleton. 

Rubbing your hands down your fresh face, your spa retreat to Mottram Hall for the hen-do of one of the school Mum’s entering her second marriage, was nothing more than a distant memory. As you sat freezing, in your car, looking out onto the harsh autumn weather of October, you were far from relaxed and rejuvenated. 

Worrying your bottom lip with your top teeth, you juggled your phone from palm to palm. You knew you had to call him, you effectively didn’t have any choice. Especially after you’d pulled your way through your glove compartment and you hadn’t come up trumps with your breakdown cover documentation. 

Part of you was cursing in that moment at how you’d handed the piece of paper which held all telephone numbers and car insurance policy account numbers over to your son to scribble upon during one particularly long car session, just to keep him quiet. You were actually sure it was now stuck on your fridge with a lovely drawing of what you presumed to be Marvel characters all over it. 

The worst of it all was that you knew whatever had happened to your car was bad. You knew simply from the way the car had spluttered and started to grind before almost seizing up and stalling to a halt.

Unlocking your phone, you scrolled through your contacts and landed on his contact card. Clicking on it you saw when the last time you had called him was and recalled the soft FaceTime he’d had with your eldest son, who wanted to tell his Daddy about how he’d been picked for the schools first rugby team, taking him out of reserves and off the bench. 

Breathing deeply, you ignored the ache the fond memory began to cause and tapped Harry’s name. The dialling tone that greeted you filled the pit of your stomach with knots as you tried to relax in the leather seat of your Range Rover.

Again, you started to worry your lips at the fifth ring, before the line clicked and you heard his warm voice. You froze at how friendly he sounded, his voice held an edge of laughter to it and you heard shuffling faintly in the background, followed by chatter, before it was shut out.

On the other end of the line, Harry had found himself dodging his way around people in his Mother’s kitchen in Cheshire, before leaving the room and catching your call before it cut off.

“Sorry ‘bout tha’,” he spoke an unnecessary apology, probably because of how long it had taken him to answer, as you remained quiet on the other line.

You blinked harshly at the sound of your name being spoken. “Are you still there?” Harry asked, pulling the phone away from his ear to see that the call was indeed still running. 

“Ye- yeah,” you stuttered, partly due to a soft tremble to your lips from being cold. 

“Everythin’ alrigh’?” He asked, a concerned edge to his question, as you dropped deeper into your car seat. 

Another small amount of silence. 

“Not really,” you responded, honestly. “Where are you?”

With a small frown, he answered, “‘M at Mums. ‘S her birthday this weekend, remember?”

Shit. You’d forgotten.

Heavily breathing in response, you said, “It slipped my mind. Sorry.”

There was a chuckle at the end of the line.

 “Not like you tha’,” he playfully jostled, causing the pit of your stomach to fall through again. You hated how he always managed to make any conversation between the two of you not seem as if you were in the middle of a prolonged divorce. “Usually got everything colour coordinated on our kitchen calendar.”

And he still did that so smoothly too, spoke about things as if you still did them together. The use of ‘our’ and ‘we’ was second nature and so naturally fell off his tongue in a velvety way that was soothing but left you shivering if caught by your touch in a different way. 

As if he could read your mind, before you’d thought it, he said, “Don’t worry. I added everyone’s names to the presents so she thinks they’re from all o’ us.” 

“I shouldn’t have called, you’re busy,” you responded without feeling, starting to pull the phone away from your ear and back to thinking about how you could get in touch with your breakdown cover. There had to be a way, surely.

“Hey, no,” he was urgent. “Don’t hang up, ‘s fine. I’ve pulled myself away. ‘S okay- please. Don’t hang up on me, something’s not right ‘ere. ‘S okay to still need me sometimes, y’ know?” 

“It’s okay, I can sort it myself-“ you flung your car door open. “Can you just tell me know how to pop the bonnet up on this car, cause it’s been so bloody long since I last had to do it-“

“Pop the bonnet? Why’d you need to do that? Have you broken down somewhere?” His questions were clipped as he asked. 

“Don’t get arsey with me-“ 

“‘M not,” he replied, quickly cutting. He really was. “Are the kids wi’you?”

“‘S alright for me be stranded on the side of the road on my own when it’s about to get dark-“

“Did I say that?” Again, he words were clipped. “Are you trying to wind me up?”

“Why have you not told me how to raise the bonnet?”

He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose before walking the short distance in his Mother's hallway to lower himself, slowly, down to sit on the stairs. 

“Underneath the passenger side there’s a lever,” he paused his softer tone, giving you time to find it. As he spoke you trampled against the grass closest to the passenger side and opened the door. Looking down at a red lever, which had clearly made itself known to you now that it had been brought to your attention.

“Found it?” he asked, hearing you hum. 

You shut the passenger door of your car and stared at the slightly popped up bonnet, Harry’s voice filling your ears again. “If you feel underneath the bonnet, between the E and the R there is another little lever. Squeeze that and it’ll release the bonnet-“

“Where’s the little thing to keep it up?”

He breathily chuckled, “‘s on hydraulics so keeps itself up.” 

Again, you didn’t respond and he was met with silence. Harry rested his chin against his palm waiting for you to speak, eyes looking towards the dimming light as night began to approach. 

“Wha’ can you see?”

“Not a whole lot, it looks fine to me.“

“Darling, just let me come to you.” 

“But this is why I pay for breakdown cover,” you snapped. 

“Where are you?” He asked, voice deep and to your annoyance laced with concern that he should no longer hold. 

You stammered trying to figure out some sort of excuse to bullshit him with, eyes taking in the country lane and the vast greeness around you. 

“Last time ‘m askin’,” he harshly cut in. “‘S gonna get dark soon, so jus’ tell me where y’are.”

“Somewhere near Congleton.”

“And wha’s the matter wi’the car?”

You noted his voice on his last question was a bit pinched, probably from focusing on another task like pulling on a pair of trainers to bring him to you. He clearly wasn’t playing along anymore. 

“Well, I think I’ve had an oil leak but none of the lights have come on to officially let me know whether I have or haven’t. The only thing is the nasty black marks that are on the driveway at home, but ‘s nothing that couldn't probably be jet washed off-“

As you rambled about cleaning the oil from the drive of the Hampstead home, Harry zoned out beginning to list the things he would probably require to bring with him. He was sure some of it could be found in Robin’s old garage, knowing that boxes of tools were still piled in the far corner. 

“Send me your exact location via text.”

“Harry-“ you sighed.

“‘M not askin’, ‘m telling,” he abruptly responded. 

***

People say that Googling symptoms is never a good thing, you suppose the same could be said for a car. 

Were they symptoms though? You couldn’t quite coherently think of another descriptor for them as they brought up search after search at how you quite possibly could have ruined your car.

You tried not to dwell as the sky around you began to get darker while you sat in the safe passing place on the country lane. It wasn’t like you had much choice but to stick around. 

Cold, and dithering slightly, you had taken to throwing your coat over your body like a blanket as simply wearing it wasn’t keeping your entire body warm enough. 

Car doors locked and eyes closed, you tried to find some solace in your waiting. You didn’t have much avail, as you were interrupted by the harsh white lighting of LED headlights breaking through the dimming dusk sky.

You frowned, eyes squinting as the light got closer and pulled in behind you. A sense of uncertainty filled your body at the new arrival, along the otherwise desolate road.

A figure of a male jumped out of the car behind you, causing you to still all of your movement in your car seat as you tried to make out any features to you that would make you comfortable in knowing it was Harry. 

The blinding lights made it far too difficult to see anything and you were beginning to think that the person behind you had left them on, on purpose. Unless they were those annoying ones that slowly turned themselves off. 

Staring out you vaguely were able to make out the figure approaching you and as he got halfway you relaxed.

It was Harry. 

He rapped his knuckles gently at your driver's side window and then smiled to himself as he realised how you wouldn’t be able to open it due to your inactive engine. 

“Open the door for me,” he spoke, his voice slightly muffled as it came through your car window. He watched as you reached for the door handle inside and pushed the door ajar ever so slightly. “Could you have picked anywhere more hidden away?”

You didn’t respond straight-away, deciding instead to take him in as he stood with his left arm leaning up against the doorframe of your car. His right arm taut as he held the car door open and away from you both, not wanting it to cause any obstruction. 

Underneath his khaki parka you could faintly make out a worn Versace tee as it hung open, unzipped. You internally rolled your eyes. What kind of person wore Versace to fix a car and possibly get covered in oil in the process? 

As you rested your head back against the seat behind you, you silently enjoyed the way he looked down at you. It was always quite frustrating, even more so now you weren’t together, how magnetising he was. 

“Do me a favour?” He broke the silent stare, “Lean over and pull the lever for me? Don’t quite fancy walking around the car and possibly going down a ditch.”

“My parking isn’t that bad!” You chastised, watching the way his lips twitched. “I’m being courteous of other cars on this tiny lane, given them extra room near the passing place-“

“You got miles of space this side of the dotted line,” he spoke cutting in, eyes wide and filled with humour. “Surprised you didn’t drive down the hill bank the other side to be extra courteous.”

“Can pull the lever yourself now, hope you break your ankle-“

“No you don’t-“

“I’d just leave you here, you know? Take the keys out of your pocket and go.“

“Don’t need to resort to petty crime,” his voice was a bit weaker now but still just as cheeky. “Could’ve just asked for ‘em.” 

Your eyes moved towards the glinting keys that he held loosely by the key ring after quickly retrieving them from his pocket. Tauntingly wanting you to reach out from them.

“You’re just going to pull them away, if I grab for ‘em.”

“‘M not,” he stressed with a slight laughter. “You’re always so cynical and defensive. Not even thanked me for driving out to come and get you.”

You didn’t respond, instead you gently reached for the keys, feeling him slightly shift them from your grip as he enjoyed the determination on your face. 

Fingers filled with want, you still grabbed for them, successfully but having to be halfway out of the seat and door of your car in order to fulfill your achievement.

When your feet met the ground beneath you, you quickly shifted around to pull your coat on properly. As you moved from the doorway, you watched as Harry dropped his chest onto the driver's seat and reached across the width of the car to pull the lever without needing to walk around the car to do so.

Putting a bit of distance between you, so you didn’t fall foul of staring too long at his bum in his blue jeans, you stalled yourself as he pushed his body up to standing and flipped through a book in his hands. 

“Harry?”

“Yeah?” He said, flicking through what you now knew to be the car’s manual that he must’ve also grabbed from the glove box while inside the car. When you didn’t reply he tore his eyes away from the pages and over to you. 

“You’re a good man.”

The honesty in your voice, knocked him. “‘M not, but ‘m trying t’be.”

The two of you stared at each other in the dimming darkness and you knew your gaze matched his sad one. 

Clearing his throat, he threw the manual against the driver’s seat. “Anyway out m’ sight, leave the men to the work an’ all tha’. ‘S got heated seats an’ all, if you’re into tha’ sorta thing.”

***

You felt bad watching him out in the cold and dark, a light hanging from the bonnet the only source around him that you imagined was keeping him going. 

Sitting in the passenger seat, you let your eyes roam around the black interior of his car that was incredibly spacious and so suitable for your barrage of children. 

Your attention turned to outside again as you saw Harry move around from your car and walk up towards his own. His forearm came up to wipe across his mouth, bringing your attention to his facial hair that seemed to be getting thicker and thicker. 

Without needing to be prompted, you pressed the button to lower the driver's side window and watched as he pressed his forearms into the resting place you had created for him now there was no window blocking his way.

“Can you get me one of them shammy cloths from out o’the boot please? Jus’ need to double check the dipstick.” 

You nodded as he continued, “Would do it m’self but-“ he paused, opening out his hands and showing how dirty his fingers were to you. 

“It’s fine,” you said, leaving the car and joining him. “I feel a bit useless anyway,” you admitted. 

Both of you remained silent when he joined you at the back of his car, two sets of eyes easily spotting what you were looking for. You opened the packet of two cloths, a horrible peach colour, and passed him one before swapping places with him.

You moved to stand at the side of the car, watching him drop his head inside the boot to see if there was anything else he needed while he was at the other car. 

“Since when did you become one of them?”

“One of who?” He asked, his head popping around the side of his car and out of the boot to look at you.

“Your lights on this car are far too bright.”

He rolled his eyes, remaining quiet as he turned back to the contents of his boot. He wasn’t going to respond to your unnecessary nitpicking.

“It’s really nice inside though. Single about me did well then,” you found yourself saying the comment in a biting fashion, unable to hold your tongue. 

“Which one?” He bit right back, a clanging heard from the boot, “I asked you if you wanted a credit, you said no.” 

You clammed up. He hadn’t taken what you said as a joke. A bit of light humour, you thought, for the road. It was your own fault. You’d become that sort of annoying person you often could get when you found yourself awkwardly doing nothing with yourself. Your delivery of your joke didn’t help either. 

“Think I preferred you when you stayed sat, quiet, in the car,” Harry said, head moving out from the boot again so you could read his expressions. Raised eyebrows and twitching lips. 

“Piss off,” you glared at him, slowly turning to walk away. 

Now it was Harry’s turn to think you were joking, as he shouted after you. “Really gonna be like that after I turned up to save you. That’s twice now I’ve had t’remind yer.” 

“You insisted-“

“I know I did,” he spoke around a chuckle. “Now where’re you off to?”

“‘M walking home-“

“Don’t be so fucking ridiculous,” he shouted after you, a frown jarring through his light features when he moved from the open boot to walk closer to you as you turned back around to face him. 

***

He managed to coax you to sit back in the car not much longer after you’d stormed off in a huff. Not without a fight, but this was one he was willing to back down on just to get you to stop storming off. 

Looking back on it now, the scene was probably quite funny to some passerby or outsider, or it would’ve been if you weren’t so secluded. A female dressed in the most fetching of clothes - sarcasm noted - arguing in the middle of a street. Like some five year old in need of a nap. 

Speaking of naps, your eyes shot open wide at the loud bang of your car bonnet being shut. You hadn’t realised that you’d begun to doze until you were abruptly woken. 

Bleary vision was quickly erased with a rub of your eyes, as you moved to face the front and pushed your hair from your face.

You were met with Harry busy fiddling with the wires of his lamp. His face dropped down and hair falling so easily into his eyes. He kept walking rather than look into the car to see if you were still with him. Instead, he dropped everything that was in his hands into the boot and proceeded to annoyingly continue to subconsciously show off by pressing a button to close his boot automatically. 

Staying wrapped up in one of your kids car blankets, you curled your legs underneath your body and rested your right cheek against the headrest. You continued to be silent as you started to wake up, eyes blinking slowly as you watched Harry in the dark pull open his car door.

He swung his body into the car with an almighty groan, one that caused you in your sleepy haze to softly smile. He looked shattered as he relaxed in his seat and rested his head backwards.

With eyes closed he sighed heavily, letting you take him in without a care. You’d noticed that at some point since your nap he’d removed his coat and now he sat in just his t-shirt and jeans. Both, of which, now looked like they had seen better days.

His brow had begun to perspire as he entered the warmth of his car, the quick switch from the Baltic (slight over exaggeration) temperatures outside to those more welcoming inside the G-Wagon could do that to you. 

“Don’t think it’s fucked completely,” he said to break the silence, wiping his face and sweat with the back of his hand and wrist, to try and ensure his oil covered fingers didn’t leave any other stains on his skin.

You enjoyed the way he used the back of his hand, wrist and forearm to wipe at his now slightly clammy skin. Stupidly it emphasised how defined his upper body had become. “Dipstick wasn’t as dry as I was expecting,” he continued, “Just topped her up and ‘m ‘oping she turns over and sounds as good as new.” 

Again, silence. His eyes staring straight ahead of him, yours enjoying his profile. God, he had a fantastic nose. It was definitely something that your daughter had inherited and you wondered if it would be a feature that a loved one in her life would sometimes admire in the next generation. 

“Got any baby wipes wi’ you?” He cut his eyes to yours from the corner of his vision, taking in the way you were curled up in the passenger seat wearing the car blanket of your eldest son. 

His eyes lingered on your shape for a while, dropping down and enjoying the way you had curled yourself up and presented to him in such a cosy vision. It meant you felt relaxed around him and that was all he ever wanted. 

It was a nice contrast to the emotive happenings between the two of you that had almost become commonplace of late. A foreign feeling that was so simple, but so exciting. 

Without verbal response you reached from your handbag that was in the footwell to have a look inside at the contents. 

“Don’t wanna leave this car, been a bit spoiled over the last hour or so. Could do with an upgrade myself as they’re all getting older and need a bit more room,” you spoke as you rummaged around, movements still slightly sluggish.

You were successful in finding what you needed, the rustling of the plastic packaging jarring to your ears. Quickly pulling at the cover overlay, you swiftly pulled out a couple of wipes with such a mom-like finesse that had you balancing them on top of the now closed packet as you turned to face Harry. 

“Don’t even think about making it a clause in the divorce,” he joked, eyes looking up at you from underneath his brow. His eyebrows snapped up in shock as you snatched at his hand and abruptly pulled at the baby wipes you’d retrieved from inside your handbag. 

The two of you fell silent as you wiped at his left hand first, watching the black of the oil slowly leave his fingers. Breathing was heavy in the empty space as you didn’t dare raise your gaze higher to look into his eyes, that you knew were watching you. 

“It’s so attractive, how much of a Mum you are,” he dared to say what he really thought as his humoured expression fell away. “Cleaning my hands up nicely, like ‘m your child that’s made a mess of m’dinner.” 

“Harry,” you sighed his name, fidgeting softly in your seat. He chuckled in such a husky way that you found yourself softening regardless of the way it riled you. 

Releasing his left hand, you reached straight for his right. Seeing the way he caught himself and stopped it before it fell against his lap. He smoothly reached for you, brushing your hair behind your shoulders as it began to curtain across the right side of your face.

“Last time m’hands were this dirty, you were licking and sucking ‘em clean.”

You felt your face begin to heat up from his brazenness.

“Are you blushing for me?” He whispered, his left hand moving along your jaw, to tilt your head upwards. He had a hold of your jaw, slightly rougher than before and while your face played ball, your eyes did not. “‘S been ages since you blushed fo’me.”

Again the sound of breathing filled the car, Harry’s gaze all over your features before his other words punctuated the air, “Look a’me.”

As your eyes moved sharply to the right, you looked at the way he’d lolled his head back. His thumb slowly pulled at your bottom lip, watching the way it softly bounced from his touch, before he lifted it to trace faintly over your Cupid’s bow.

“Missed your lips,” he admitted, enjoying the light puffs of breath that bounced against the pad of his thumb. Before you could think, you’d taken his thumb inside your mouth, an appreciative groan leaving his lips.

You felt the way his fingers cupped under your chin, gently stroking at your skin, silently caressing. Teeth nipping playfully against the skin of his thumb as you pulled away. 

“How much?” You asked, lips turning to ghost against the inside of his hand. 

His eyes lingered as you watched him nudge his chin up slightly, silently asking for you to come to him. 

You sucked in a heavy breath as you leaned into him, the dimming ceiling light of the car slowly allowing darkness to swallow you both. A faint smile nudged your lips as your nose fell against his top lip.

He scooped you under his arm - lining you up better - hands trying to hold you as near to him as he could as you leaned over the centre console of the car to be closer to him. 

“Enough,” he husked, before adding, “Your nose is cold,” in a passing tone, lips against your temple now. Breathing deeply through your nose you let him pull you even closer, unable to believe that you weren’t close enough. Muffled apologies left your lips, about how your nose was cold. 

The soft drag of his lips to yours pulled you under a haze that swept away your apologies and into a tender reacquaintance. His lips were slightly shaking against yours and you weren’t sure if it was to do with the cold that he had found himself in or if it were due to his nervousness. 

Regardless he was steady. Knew exactly what he was doing and what he wanted. Pulling kiss after kiss from you in the slowest fashion that you felt yourself beginning to warm up. 

“‘S nice to have a little kiss,” he gently spoke against the corner of your mouth. “Missed you treating me to ‘em.” 

“I think you just know exactly what to say,” you murmured as you allowed him to continue ghosting his lips over yours. “Know exactly what you're doing.”

“‘F you’re suggesting that I’m trying it on,” he murmured against your lips, “I absolutely fucking am.”

“Would never have guessed,” you looked at him with heavy eyelids, head now nudged back slightly to enable you to see his entire face. He smirked at you, eyes blinking slowly as he willed you to him once more.

His hand was secure around the back of your neck, fingers messily woven through your hair. His other hand gently massaged at the top of your back, over your fetching loungewear that you had chosen to drive home in.

“‘S it working?”

“What do you think?”

Harry’s eyes dropped in a slow blink as he felt the way your hand lowered down his chest and abdomen, which was wavering slightly from his nervous anticipation. 

Dropping your head down to his chest, you left a kiss to his pec as you mumbled and felt the button of his jeans giveway to your fingers and thumb. “I am grateful, you know?”

“Yeah?”

The ruffle of your hair against the cotton of his tee filled the car, him recognising it as you nodding. 

“Me too,” he assured. 

And he was. Grateful.

For the life he’d had with you up until this point.

The family the two of you had created. The one you were so fiercely fighting for. Messily and viciously, all from a good place. The best place. 

He licked at his dry lips, leaving his mouth to hang open slightly as he watched you descend down to his semi that was hidden in the confines of his jeans.

“Both of us need warming up,” he mused, his hands sliding from your hair and down your back, slowly and gently to your slightly raised bum from how you had placed yourself over the center console. “In’t that right?”

A dull slap of his hand against your leggings-clad bum had you rocking back as you felt his hands slide under the waistband to massage at your cheek.

Swallowing heavy, Harry tilted back his head and even through his hooded eyes he caught his blissed expression in the rear view mirror, as he felt you take his balls into your mouth and gently suckle.

He rasped your name as he basked in the dirty licks, heavily laden with saliva from your watering mouth before you took him into your throat. Obscene sounds from your actions wove between his heavy breathing and quick pants. 

“Fuck me, darling.” 

With his hand that was still against your bum, he pulled you closer. Hands desperate to have purchase of something as you gently but messily sucked and licked, desperate to feel the tickle of his pubic hair against the tip of your nose to know you’d successfully taken him all the way down.

His breathing was shaky, a quick hiss leaving his lips as he felt the way your nails dug into his denim clad thighs from his previous movements to try and hold steady. The position wasn’t ideal, but the feeling of your shaking breath against his wet cock as you nosed against his jeans had him smiling.

As you turned your head slightly to look at him from the corner of your vision, you noticed the way he was looking down at you. How powerful he seemed in that moment as you were slightly beneath him. 

The thought changed though with the way his hand came up to your face, his thumb against your wet lips for the shortest time before he cradled the back of your head to help pull you back up and avoid any mishaps. 

He tugged you forward to crush his mouth to yours with pleased hums as he tasted himself on you. Lips smacking as he pulled kiss after kiss from your mouth, smiling at the eagerness of you both.

His hands joined yours as they pulled at his jeans, his hips lifting in the seat and his arms strong as he pushed the denim and underwear down to sit closer to his knees. 

“Mm,” he hummed, as his bare bum cheeks met the heated seat beneath them. “Put the seats on fo’me.”

“Don’t say I don’t ever treat you nicely.”

He huskily chuckled as he brought your lips back to him again. “Nice an’ warm,” he lazily spoke, acknowledging the heated seats. “Jus’ for me.”

And he knew every bit of his words meant the double entendre that you had caught,looking on as you pulled away to sink back into your own seat 

Looking over at him, you noticed the lust behind his eyes as he slowly pumped his hand up and down his wet and aching cock when you sunk back into your own seat and watched his head loll against the headrest once more. His nostrils flared as he bit down on his bottom lip and nudged his chin up, getting you silently to come to him once more when he’d seen your movements in removing your own bottoms had ended.

“Wouldn’t do this for anyone else, y’know that?” You said around your messy kiss as you raised your legs and felt his hands guide you to straddle him. Hands splayed across your lower back and the top half of your bum as he secured you to him. 

“Should bloody ‘ope not.” 

As you sat above him, you could feel him there. Sprung back and wet. Your mouths rested against each other, heavy and open. Eyes moving to and fro over each other’s.

“Been at this too long to start sharing now.”

Your hips moved forward at his words, with the smallest of motions but it was enough to make his cock glide between your lips. His expression was one of immeasurable pleasure regardless of how little the touch.

Deep down you knew you didn’t have time for this sort of behaviour. The kind where you revelled in the nudge of him against your clit, and the way it caused you to gasp lightly while your brow creased and forehead fell against his. 

“Take it,” he encouraged as you rolled your hips on him. “Let me in.”

Heavy breathing and shaking hands, you held Harry’s eyes as you reached behind you to take him in your hand. 

Wrapping your fingers around his length, you raised yourself, feeling him shuffle down slightly  in his seat to help ensure you didn’t bump your head as you lifted. Fingers gave way when he lined up nicely, slipping only his tip inside of you.

This stretch was one like no other. A burn that you savoured as much as the expression that welcomed you from the desire felt by the only man who had ever made you feel this way. His one hand crawled up your back, to cup around your neck, anchoring you to him. 

When you were fully seated shaky exhales bounced against each other’s lips. Every tremble of you above him felt so vividly by Harry. The way your thighs shook from the small confines you found yourself in, to the quiver of your fingers against his neck and jaw. 

“You’re so big,” your moan was feeble. Embarrassing in many ways. Especially given the amount of times you’d done this with him. 

“Mm,” he agreed. “‘S cause ‘m so hot for you. Got me so hard. Always have.”

“Always will-“

“Always will,” he confirmed.

Your moan was thick as it left your throat, his words enough to get you to roll against him and have you clit drag pleasing against his pelvis.

He groaned, knowing that’s what you were doing too. Having been in this position so many times before. No one had ever had you this way, and you knew no one ever would either. A pleasure this giving was one of familiarity. Aided so deeply by feeling. 

When your mouth met his again the only word to describe your kiss was sinful. His tongue waiting to meet yours, flicking so easily and far too filthily for those on the cusp of middle age. 

But he still had it. 

The gleaming boyish gaze and curling smile. Could charm his way into any heart and into any pair of knickers. But the ones he had chosen time and time again were yours. Regardless of their sexiness at times.

“Yes,” you gasped, pulling away from his mouth and feeling his hands encourage the knocking of your hips against his. 

You were close, nowhere to go and not wanting to go anywhere. How you had made it here so quickly, you weren’t sure. Maybe it was the surroundings, how you potentially could get caught. Maybe it was because your partner - husband - just knew you so well. 

His eyes didn’t want to leave you as they admired the flushed skin you were beginning to show and the gleaming, plush lips that you were rolling into your mouth to hide your pleasure. 

“That’s it, fuck me,” his voice was hushed, quick in its delivery. “‘S wha’ it’s all about,” he hummed, as you rocked your hips over his. Knocking his head back against the headrest once more.

As he looked down his nose at you, he watched as your eyes fell to your navel, taking in each roll of your hips. Your expression dropped with realisation, slightly pained. “What’s wrong?”

Looking up at him, you wish you hadn’t. You wished you’d kept your eyes down to see the ripple of his abdomen each time your body flexed around him. That way it wasn’t doused in emotion, it was just raw pleasure that lived in your mind.

“We shouldn’t be doing this anymore. Needs to be the last time.”

A mix of a breathy laugh and scoff left his lips as he urged you to restart your hips that were starting to stall above him, “Bit late for tha’ now, don’t yer think?” 

Falling against him, you hid your face feeling his lips over the shell of your ear and against your hair. His hand gently stroked at your hair, lips moving to your temple and pressing affection kisses that did nothing but make you feel worse.

“Do you want t’stop? Mm?” He asked, feeling your hips so tight against his, but your core so open that he hoped you would say no. Widening his thighs he pressed his feet into the footwell, seeking momentum to meet your hips with his own.

“‘S okay to love me still,” he groused, feeling your chin tremble from his words. “‘S okay to let me love you still. This is okay, us just doing this is okay.” 

It wasn’t okay and he knew. He also knew everything he was saying - every single word - was just a way to satiate you. 

So, you let them. Swallowed the lump in your throat and inhaled deeply. 

His words were cut short as he groaned, “Sit up for me, fuck me properly.” 

Sitting yourself up, you felt the way Harry’s hands moved so that the backs of his fingers were smoothing against your lower stomach. Sweaty palm turned, he pressed it gently down your stomach and let his thumb finger your clit.

The softest frown hit your brow, as his thumb slowly rubbed in a downwards motion at your sensitivity. From his actions you felt a warmth pool around both him and you, Harry groaning appreciatively as he felt it too.

“Yeah,” he stressed the word as you gripped at his t-shirt which sat against his stomach. Cotton in handfuls as you scrunched the fabric. “‘S tha’ nice- good?”

You nodded.

“‘S it enough?”

You nodded with more fervour. Eyes holding his as you sucked your bottom lip into your mouth and scratched along his right forearm as he continued to gently swipe at your wet clit.

The abruptness of the rock to your hips showed itself as the warmth within your belly grew. Eyes now hooded, you were unable to stop them from closing as your mouth parted to desperately say, “Don’t stop.”

And you didn’t know who you were talking to; yourself or Harry.

Harry responded with a moan so deep that you clenched down around him, causing his free hand to reach up and squeeze harshly against your hips. 

“‘M going to come so hard for you ‘f you keep doing that,” he gritted, breathing shallow as he felt his chest constrict. “Like tha’, just like that.”

His words were low, and like just moments before you weren’t sure if they were for him or you, but they had you moaning his name. Head dropping against his, his hand gripping at the back of your neck. 

With one hard roll of your hips, you cried out, forehead against his chin and mouth fallen. His hand squashed between your bodies as you shook and convulsed. 

Pliant for him, you were too dazed to move as you felt his arm wrap securely around your back and hold you to him, tight.

A merciless and repeated smack of his hips upwards, which you were sure would have the car rocking, made you aware of him seeking his release. He moaned your name, as he pulled you down to him, his orgasm shooting into you.

His heavy breathing was hot against your sweltering skin when you finally came to, his grunts melding into your neck as your core continued to flutter in the aftermath of your own release. 

His hands somewhat selfishly and most definitely greedily moved you against him, both crooning at the sensitive rush that met you before he lifted you to aid himself with slipping out.

Cold air met his sensitivity, as he nuzzled against you. Hand crawling up your back, under your shirt and feeling your damp skin peel away from his own as he moved his hand up and down. 

“Want to try out the back wi’me after this,” he hummed, brushing your hair off your face with his other hand. His words were heavy as they pressed into the skin of your cheek while he still tried to catch his breath.

As much as you knew you should, you didn’t even try to stop yourself from nodding.

***

Looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts! x