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autisticshadowthehedgehog · 2 years ago

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What was up with Chris Thorndyke, anyway?

I think it’s safe to say that Chris Thorndyke is one of the most hated characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, which is... a bit odd, when you think about it. In a world of Ken Penders’s Daddy Issues Personified and Octopus Who Kills Children For Fun (the latter of which basically being a fandom sexyman), why is a twelve-year-old boy so polarizing?

It would be easy to chalk this up to the bad 4kidz dub, but I don’t quite think that’s it. A lot of the complaints I’ve heard can go to “he got the main character slot in Sonic’s show” or “I just don’t like the human characters,” which are valid, but pale in comparison to basically all I’ve seen being: “He’s just annoying,” “I can’t fucking stand him,” etc. That’s basically all I hear, and when asking why, it usually boils down to two things: 1) his extreme attachment to Sonic and 2) his status as a rich white american only child basically puts any and all of his problems at “first world problems” at best. Those also seem like valid reasons, right?

Thing is, while on the surface it seems like this kid has no issues, as a kid with a, how you say, rough childhood, something stuck with me when I watched the show for the first time. I remember sitting through episode after episode, wondering, When does Chris stop being sympathetic and start being annoying? Since, you know, that’s his reputation.

It didn’t happen.

And it slowly became apparent to me that a lot of the things that made Chris “annoying” and “obsessive”... were just obvious symptoms of a traumatized kid.

Join me for my thesis presentation: Chris’s “annoying” traits are not a writing flaw, but an intentional character flaw brought about by severe neglect, which is resolved through his character arc, and why the fandom reaction to him is so furious.

Note: Throughout this meta, we will only be looking over the Japanese version of Sonic X, as it’s the original script and 4kidz did not translate it accurately. So if you see some lines you don’t remember being said, those are from the English subtitles/direct translation.

Once again, it is possible (also likely, we’ll discuss that a bit) that the kidification and cuts to Sonic X did a number on Chris’s likability, but for most of the meta we’ll be discussing his Japanese characterization with only a few references to cut scenes or lines in the dub.

Part I: First Impressions

On the surface, Chris seems like not just a normal kid, but a very privileged one. He goes to regular school with regular friends, but also goes home to a mansion and millions of dollars. His parents dote on him, his grandfather has fun with him, the two servants treat him like their own kid. He should have no problems, right?

Except, honestly, the issues become apparent in Episode One.

You may be saying here, “What do you mean, episode one? The second episode is when Chris gets all his characterization and exposition.”

Except we get all this visually in the final scene of the episode. (I PROMISE the whole essay won’t be this analytic over small scenes but this is important.)

Before Chris rescues Sonic, kickstarting his part in the plot, we see him hear Sonic fall, peer out the window, and then run out to get him.

Firstly, the shots of his room. His room is huge– and we’ll come back to that detail later, so keep it in mind– but it’s also dark. Which tracks ofc, it’s nighttime and the kid’s asleep, but there’s also a lit desk light, which we see when Chris goes to the window. This together gives the audience the visual impression that Chris is in the dark, with the light only coming when he opens that window and sees Sonic.

Let’s get into the bigness of the house here, as Chris runs out of the room. In every shot we see him running, it’s emphasized how small he is. No, not only how small he is, but how empty the rest of the house is.

First the shot in the hall. There’s minimal lighting from a few wall lamps, the rest of the hallway is incredibly dark. Chris is shorter than the height of the lamps on the wall, his positioning keeps him small in the frame despite him running closer. He’s also centered in the hall, and when you look to the walls you can see several doors, implying several rooms, but only Chris is in the hall.

Then the stairwell– once again incredibly dark, but we see more of the grandiose nature of the house. A painting taller than Chris, a Grandfather Clock maybe twice his height. He also runs down the stairs with the railing up to his shoulder. It’s all finely detailed, which of course reflects the Thorndyke luxury they live in. But it’s still dark, and Chris is still so small.

A shot of him running across the floor. It’s shot from above, and we see that the tiles on the floor are bigger than his whole body. This shot is even darker than the rest, only a few lights reflecting on the ground. The above-shot also shows a ceiling fan in front of us, which makes it look bigger than it is, also dwarfing Chris in the shot.

There’s a shot after that of Chris running to the pool– it is actually near-impossible to see him here, but if you look he runs off the back porch. Once again the world is huge, everything around him is huge, and everything is dark, except the pools. The pools where Sonic is, not that he knows that yet.

The pool still remains brightly lit as Chris dives in and saves Sonic. The first shot we see is him diving in, and then grabbing onto Sonic’s wrist. This is repeated multiple times later in the show as they reach for each other’s hands. It’s not only the first time we see this kid make contact with someone in the show, I’m pretty sure it’s the first time we see Sonic. In the first bit of the episode he’s only hitting robots, in the second bit he’s fleeing from everyone who comes near him. This first contact thus subconsciously establishes itself in the audience’s minds as important for both of them.

We finally see Chris clearly after he pulls Sonic out, where the two of them are lit by the pool’s light. Despite the long shadows coming off of them, they are both fully visible and sitting amongst the lit tiles, meaning Chris is now in the light.

This opening scene also establishes something important about Chris as well, and that’s that he’s... not a rich asshole. This kid woke up in the middle of the night, and for all intents and purposes saw nothing in the pool– he saw the ripples stilling, but that could’ve been anything. Could’ve been a frog. Could’ve been a bird taking off into the air. Could’ve been a bird shitting. But Chris still investigates anyway and immediately dives in, presumably once he sees something still in there. As he dives in, he also reaches for Sonic instantly, meaning it wasn’t just pure curiosity that drove him forward, but a deep desire to help whatever was in there. Likely he saw it moving and leapt in to save it without a second thought.

It’s established in the next episode that Chris knew full well he was not allowed to do this and it probably wouldn’t be safe; he’s not allowed to go outside at night or swim in the adult pool. Not to mention he’s also probably still half-asleep and wearing pajamas. Without hesitation he jumps in anyway because there’s something that needs his help. When he pulls Sonic out, he can clearly see this is a weird fucked-up thing he doesn’t recognize, but without even reacting to that fact he just asks if he’s okay. He only starts showing his surprise when Sonic begins talking. Even then there’s no screaming, he just introduces himself politely and then. Takes Sonic inside.

The next episode opens already in the next morning, and with Sonic still there we can assume Chris just hid him for the rest of the night without telling the other adults in the house. After Sonic mentioned people chasing him, Chris probably figured it wasn’t safe to tell anyone and took it upon his 12yo self to make sure this little guy didn’t get spotted.

Which, if it weren’t for Sonic’s impulsiveness, would’ve been incredibly easy.

The second episode opens with another panning shot of the huge mansion, with a voice overlay from Lindsey. The first thing we hear from Chris’s mother is that she’s sorry, but she won’t come home til “next week.” But she’ll send him a ton of gifts, so it’s okay!

Our next interesting shot is as she continues talking, and we see a ton of family photos tacked onto the wall. This immediately gives the impression of, of course, a family that really loves each other. It then immediately pans to Chris, alone on the balcony, talking minimally into a phone.

Chris then has another character beat of apologizing for diving in the pool. It seems like if he hadn’t mentioned it, nobody would’ve known, but he does anyway because he’s just like. A good little kid. Either that or it’s anything to keep his mom on the line longer.

Another thing to note is that Tanaka briefly enters during this scene, but doesn’t even look at Chris as he drops his food off and leaves.

When she hangs up, we hear a little kissing noise, and then Chris kisses the phone receiver and rubs the back of his head. His expression doesn’t seem embarrassed, though, especially as he didn’t notice Sonic staring at him until the next shot. He looks perhaps relieved, a soft kind of happy, perhaps at the compliment she gave him immediately before her abrupt goodbye.

Sonic then asks why Chris referred to him as a cat; he doesn’t seem upset, just a little curious. Chris’s reaction is interesting here– the first thing he does is ask if Sonic is mad at him, and then immediately launch into an explanation.

After Sonic seems calm, Chris then curiously asks Sonic where he learned to talk. They’re interrupted by the phone ringing, and Chris seems incredibly confused that it rung. He answers almost robotically, and immediately grows excited upon hearing it’s his dad, though his voice still indicates surprise. You can really hear it in the line delivery of his og actress, Sanae Kobayashi.

Chris continues smiling blankly as his Dad talks about how his mom told him that a cat got into the estate and maybe he should update security. Chris swiftly assures him that it’s okay, and then says, “But more importantly, you’re very busy, aren’t you?”

Basically he already knows that this conversation will be less than a minute long, but he’s still smiling until his dad’s already hung up.

The rest of the scene plays out as Chris googles what hedgehogs eat, tries to feed Sonic cat food, and then rightfully freaks out when Sonic leaves to get a chili dog, considering he’s a fugitive. And while his face and mannerisms at the end of the scene does effectively display this worry, they really do hold on that shot for a while as he fades back into a sadder expression.

These scenes both serve as introductory scenes to Chris, and both visually and through dialogue, we have established:

Chris is constantly alone.

His world is dark until he finds Sonic.

He has a kind personality and doesn’t seem to be at all jaded or spoiled by his privileged upbringing.

His parents love him but are so absent that he doesn’t even bat an eye at the fact he won’t see his mom for a week. He is surprised when his Dad calls but immediately puts his work before his own well being.

He’s relatively calm, but only freaks out when he thinks Sonic might be mad at him, and when Sonic leaves.

I’d love to do a fucking scene-for-scene analysis of the entire show, but we’d be here for like twenty years so instead let’s uh. jump ahead a bit.

We slowly unravel Chris’s backstory and mental state throughout the first two seasons, in a slow way that I think is very effective and won’t be effective enough through this essay, but I’m gonna try my best.

Anyway, let’s jump ahead and cover his whole... thing.

Part II: The Backstory Scene that 4kidz Cut

The youngest we ever see Chris is in the season two penultimate episode. There’s a flashback to him as what seems to be a toddler, or just out of toddlerhood. This scene, right here, was cut in the English dub for... no real reason I can think of. In fact, it just makes Chris look less sympathetic.

The first shot we get is of Chris and his parents. Much like the Chris’s first scene, he is tiny, even tinier. But unlike that scene, everything is bright. It’s blinding, actually, as the doors are open and Chris’s parents stand in front of it. This is obviously from baby Chris’s perspective, representing his emotional state. With those doors open and his parents in front of him, he is covered in light. Covered.

His parents are quite formal in their parting words. “We’re leaving now,” his dad says. His mom then says, “I’m sorry, Chris. Make sure you behave until we return.”

Once again, I mentioned that this scene is from baby Chris’s perspective, so maybe they weren’t as formal when this actually happened. But that’s how it came across to Chris.

Sidenote, but honestly? Considering his age, this could very well be one of his earliest memories.

Little Chris says, “If I behave, will you come home right away?” While of course operating on little kid logic, this also reflects on how much he loves his family again, as all he wants is for his parents to be home with him.

His parents look at each other, confused on how to answer. They then give the worst answer– “Of course.” We see how happy this makes him, but it’s only a temporary happiness. They’ve just made a promise they cannot keep and they know it, and at baby Chris’s age, he will NOT understand that.

When they turn to leave, Chris’s face falls. They once again have a formal goodbye, and as they leave, the doors shut, and the light is gone, and he stands there for again a long time. I don’t think I need to explain what this symbolizes.

The next shot, we see Chris is reading a picture book by himself on the couch. Once again a small little guy in a big world; the book also seems to be The Little Matchgirl, which... oof. The story is about how a lonely orphan dreams about having a family as she slowly freezes to death, in case you weren’t aware. The two shots we see from the book are first of her freezing, and then of her looking in a window and imagining a family. As Chris reads this, he repeats that if he behaves, his parents will come home.

He then hears the door about to open and immediately leaps up and smiles widely.

It’s not his parents, it’s Ella, but she has presents from his parents!

Despite being a little kid who would normally be ecstatic at the prospect of new toys, Chris just looks numb as she speaks.

He takes no joy in the toy either, because his parents aren’t there with it.

So. I have worked at a daycare and as a babysitter for about... seven years now. Kids? They have separation anxiety. They will sob and scream and shout and kick and run if their mom is out of their sight. I recently babysat a kid who learned how to unlock the door so he could try and run after his parents which was terrifying for me tbh.

Chris’s reaction of just immediately falling into a numb depression isn’t something I saw in the kids I watched. At this age, they cry at the very least. Chris doesn’t even do that, he’s just staring. We get one voiceover at the end of this scene, as Chris just says, “It never came true.” Obviously referring to the promise– he behaved, and his parents still stayed away.

What impression does this give a kid that age? One of two things, if not both at once:

I am not behaving enough and I need to behave perfectly.

Mom and Dad don’t care enough to come home.

From knowing Lindsey and Nelson, we know this is not true. They’re busy, and they hope to show their love through gifts. But Chris’s love language is very much not gifts, it’s quality time. And he doesn’t. Get that.

From anyone.

Part III: Chris’s Abandonment Issues

As I’ve made it clear, Chris’s parents are never around. He doesn’t bat an eye at his mother saying she’ll be gone another week, and is surprised that his Dad even bothered to call. We saw all those family photos, but looking at them again, how many of them were taken at the same time, one of the few times his parents were home? How many is Chris standing stiffly, properly, instead of relaxing like a kid?

Another line from episode six really drives his home, one I think a lot of people miss.

Upon being told his parents are coming home, Chris remarks that it has been months since he’s seen them. Months.

Later in the episode, Chuck remarks on how it’s a miracle to see them both at the house at the same time. They laugh this off, and spend the rest of the episode anxiously waiting for Chris to get home because, yeah, they do care. When Chris gets home he immediately calls for them and gets tackle-hugged. As they do, he stiffens upon the physical contact, and looks awkward the whole time, like he’s not used to physical affection.

He’s then later surprised to hear his parents were worried he was late.

The next episode, Chris’s dad has already left by the next morning. When he hears his mom has unexpectedly left, he is upset, but not surprised; he immediately resigns himself to this and sighs before leaning back on the couch.

When he brings this up to his uncle, Sam immediately remarks that his sister is never home.

This is where Cream breaks, because she has seen Lindsey herself break down over not being there for Chris. Chris has not seen that. All he knows is that his mother was there and then was gone, despite their elaborate dinner plan, despite knowing he was bringing a guest to meet her.

Once again, he’s not surprised. Neither is Sam.

Similar with his Dad; in the previous episode, when they were worried, Nelson implies that he has a guard service making sure Chris doesn’t get abducted. They’re two seconds away from calling the US Military to find him. But they stop short of going after him, because they don’t want him to think they’re being overbearing.

We’ve firmly established this by now, okay? His parents are never home and haven’t been since he was, what? Three? Four, tops.

Nobody else was really there, either.

Ella and Tanaka seem to have done most of Chris’s raising. And while Ella and Tanaka are amazing, and definitely care a lot about Chris, it doesn’t change the fact that they are paid employees and Chris knows this. They’re paid to hang out with him. If they weren’t getting paid, Chris has no idea if they would even give a shit about him. Even with that, there’s not a ton of evidence they like. hung out with him outside of making sure he was alright. As mentioned, in the second episode Tanaka doesn’t even look at him as he delivers food. Not for lack of care, but probably because they’re busy as only two servants in a huge estate. This isn’t their kid, too, they’re under no obligation to raise him. Ella is the cook and Tanaka is the butler-bodyguard, they’re not childcare experts.

What about his grandpa? Sorry to break this to you but Chuck wasn’t around, either.

In episode 51, which we’re gonna keep coming back to as it’s the culmination of Chris’s arc, Chuck says this while reprimanding Nelson and Lindsey. He says, “I never blamed you for neglecting your household because you were too busy with work. That’s because I also did whatever I wanted and continued my research.”

Back to the second episode, when we first see Chuck, you notice on the second watch that Chris 1) doesn’t trust his grandpa enough to tell him that he’s hiding a fugitive in their house, 2) didn’t seem to expect him (or ANYONE) to walk in on them in the LIVING ROOM, 3) seems to not know a ton about his personality. He’s surprised when his grandpa closes the door on Sonic, and surprised that he’s a bit of an adrenaline junkie. It seems that instead of spending time with his grandson, Chuck spent most of his time in his shed tinkering with machines.

His uncle? Seems to visit on occasion, but has a government job. You know he’s never around, either.

So Chris is growing up in a huge house, which is serving to give him a constant reminder that nobody’s home. There are two servants going around working and sometimes saying hi to him, there’s a grandpa in the shed somewhere who might come in once or twice to watch TV, and there’s photos on the wall of parents who aren’t home. He’s like that for at least eight years.

OH, and let’s talk about the friends argument which I’ve confusingly seen. He’s got two friends at school. His parents seem to recognize Danny’s name, so Danny might have been a longtime friend, or at least friend he talked about before. But Danny and Frances, being barely in any episodes, we can assume they also have their own lives and things going on and thus don’t, like, hang out with Chris after school a lot. He uses Danny as an excuse for being late in ep6, but the fact that nobody seemed to expect him to be late implies this is not a usual thing. And of course it is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY not on the shoulders of these other 12yos to emotionally support another kid, but it’s not like they’re immediately moving into his house and giving him attention 24/7. They’re friends. Which is all they need to be. But for a neglected child like Chris, they’re just another part of his life that comes and goes. Him having two buddies at school that he shares a table with (thus probably just. friends by proximity) doesn’t negate the neglect.

Looking at the photos on the wall again, there’s one photo of Chris with some kind of sports team, probably baseball. Considering how bad Chris played in the baseball episode, he probably didn’t stay there long, and considering we never see anyone even resembling the kids in that pic, we can assume they didn’t stay long-lasting friends. The other photos, they’re dressed in suits, like they’re taking professional photos. Once again stilted, stiff.

But I hear y’all on twitter now. “Oh, boo-hoo, his parents weren’t around. He was still living fancy, it’s fine.”

So let’s talk about the effects of emotional neglect on the childhood psyche.

Part IV: Connie Read Actual Research Papers and Scholarly Articles For This Instead of Doing Actual Work

So, here’s something that’s been seen recurrently in neglected children: kids are psychologically dependent on parents or caregivers throughout their whole childhood and adolescence.

From New Directions in Child Abuse and Neglect Research by the Committee on Child Maltreatment Research, “Children who have experienced abuse and neglect are therefor at increased risk for a number of problematic developmental, health, and mental health outcomes, including learning problems, problems relating to peers, externalizing symptoms [aggression or conduct disorder], and posttraumatic stress disorder. As adults, these children continue to show increased risk for psychiatric disorders, substance use, serious medical illnesses, and lower economic productivity.”

Let’s talk mainly about the mental health outcomes. Without a present caregiver, neglected children often fall behind on the abilities to regulate behavior or emotions. Several parts of the brain will end up altered due to early childhood neglect, including the stress response system, the emotion processing and regulation system, the learning and memory system, etc.

The stress response system is the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortial axis, aka the HPA. The HPA is incredibly sensitive to early childhood experiences and an uncertain childhood can effect a lot of things, such as sleep patterns and hyperactivity. Abused children will often have higher spikes of cortisol, a high enough number of which can cause damage to the brain and premature aging.

The behavioral regulation is also most commonly affected in these victims; neglected children will often show “behavioral and emotional difficulties that are consistent with effects on the amygdala, such as internalizing problems, heightened anxiety, and emotional reactivity, and deficits in emotional processing.”

Other mental health issues are also seen; children with trauma experiences will show similar mental patterns as those with ADHD, and can have serious issues with inhibitory control– aka, controlling your impulses.

Then there’s the corpus callosum. (Insert SnapCube dub joke here.) The corpus callosum manages communication between the two hemispheres of the brain. Several studies have found that abused children have a much smaller corpus callosum than non-abused children, even those who are mentally ill; these effects are also more pronounced in boys than girls, which is relevant to our analysis of a 12yo anime boy from 2003. This means that their brain development will often be behind that of their peers, and it could take a while for them to mature.

That was long and boring Connie. Give us the tldr.

Okay don’t worry, the article got to that right about now. Children dealing with neglect will show several issues related to the interrupted development of these parts of their brain, including:

Extreme Deficits in Executive Functioning

Difficulty in regulating attention: As a note on this, 18.6% of abused and neglected teens are diagnosed with ADHD. Compared to 5% of other children. That’s like three times the amount!

And, most interestingly, the behavioral outcomes:

Difficulty forming trusting attachments to caregivers

Both Disorganized and Insecure Attachment Issues, usually getting severe Attachment Disorders

Reactive Attachment Disorder: Inhibited or emotionally withdrawn behavior, rarely seeking or responding to comfort

Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder: Basically the opposite; it’s marked by a pattern of overly familiar behavior with strangers.

Emotion Regulation: infants learn how to deal with distress via their parents– how their caregivers handle stress, how they take care of problems and slowly introduce the ability to deal with them. Without that, abused and neglected children will often fail to develop effective strategies for regulating emotions. This will probably cause a lot of the following.

This also includes recognizing emotions in others. While abused children will identify anger quickly, neglected children tend to be worse than non-neglected children at identifying any facial expressions.

Their emotional issues can also cause them to feel isolated from their peers, as their peers do not understand them and do not act like them.

Anxiety

Depression– nearly a 3x chance compared to non-neglected kids

Dissociation

Conduct Disorder

PTSD

Physical issues include stunted growth and motor development, and lower health.

Note that these do not appear in all victims of neglect, these are just common symptoms.

Part V: Every “Annoying” Thing Chris Does is a Fucking Symptom

Difficulty forming attachments to Caregivers

In episode 43, Chris deals with a situation that’s obviously alien to him: his parents coming home to care about him.

His parents hear that he’s sick and drop everything to come home. This is clearly something that’s unusual, judging from both Chris’s and his grandpa’s reactions to it. Chris is confused and embarrassed, kinda numb and still, until his grandfather and father start arguing. Even then, he only reacts when they bring up Sonic.

He then yells that he hates his family and orders them to leave him alone. This doesn’t last long as they’re immediately attacked by more badniks, but it’s a beat they definitely put in there intentionally.

Also, he doesn’t seem to trust Chuck as an authority either. He really just sees him as an impulsive adrenaline junkie at best; in the cruise ship episode, Chuck is drunk the whole time and Chris doesn’t seem to care. It also says something that while Ella and Tanaka are present, he doesn’t trust them to tell them they might be finding an alien in the attic until they find out for themselves.

Difficulty Understanding Others’ Emotions

This one’s gonna be easy, as I talked about it earlier in the essay. When Sonic asks, “Was the cat supposed to be me?” Chris immediately assumes he’s upset and tries to placate him with an explanation. This happens throughout the show as well; let’s take Mr. Stewart for example, that man is obviously spying on him and inserting himself into his life and Chris thinks it’s maybe a little weird, not that much though. He also spends most of his time hanging out with Shadow standing there in complete obliviousness as to what Shadow is thinking or feeling. He doesn’t even seem to really register Shadow as a threat, instead throwing himself at him in hopes that he can convince him to help Sonic. In doing so, he also doesn’t think that Tanaka would at all be worried about him, and is surprised at their reunion that Tanaka was upset.

Aggression / Delinquincy

This was very underplayed, but in the Sonic Battle arc, we literally see him start to rebel. He tells Sonic that he’s sick of being the perfect rich kid, that he wants to be a problem on purpose sometimes. Sonic seems to completely understand that, as that’s a point Chris needs to reach. He has to realize he cannot be perfect and that’s okay.

[except that dialogue was all cut in the 4kidz version no im not bitter]

Only Chris explores his imperfection in a really bad way.

And now. Let’s get into the attachment.

And to do that, we need to get into...

Part VI: What Sonic Represents

This is a fascinating part of Chris’s psyche since I think it occurs both subconsciously and consciously, but when I drew attention to Sonic bringing the light back into Chris’s life? Yeah, that’s cause he did.

Everything changed only after Sonic arrived. Suddenly Chris’s parents are... visiting??? For once??? TOGETHER??? His grandfather wants to spend time with him! His friends at school are hanging out with him more and he’s even made new friends! And most importantly, he has the mobians around him constantly. He’s got constant attention from all of them, and while he quickly takes on the figure of the Responsible One, he’s still WITH PEOPLE. He’s gone from being alone all the time to surrounded by a rowdy-ass found family.

Most of all is Sonic. Chris seems to have attached himself mainly to Sonic, likely because in his mind Sonic represents the moment when everything changed. Of course, Sonic would probably have been the worst of the gang to get attached to, seeing as he runs off all the time. The first several episodes, even after they stop hiding from the public, Chris is noticeably upset whenever Sonic leaves. He only calms down after several, several episodes, after assurances from every character that this is just a thing Sonic does, he never sticks around anyway, don’t worry about it.

But still, he definitely attaches himself to this hedgehog for better or for worse.

And it gets worse.

Part VII: Even More Trauma

First we gotta talk about the end of Season One.

At the beginning of the arc, Chris is noticeably... incredibly depressed. He’s also disassociating hardcore. He’s constantly staring into nothing, his face upset, but as soon as someone snaps him back to reality, he forces a smile on his face, acting happy despite going through a ton of negative emotions at once. Almost like he’s trying to behave perfectly.

Chris realizes throughout the episode the attachment he’s gotten to the mobians, and especially Sonic, but even then he still does his best to help them. He steals a chaos emerald and runs off to Eggman in order to get them home, because it will make them happy! Nevermind if it doesn’t make Chris happy. He’s never worried about that anyway.

Of course this backfires and Eggman kidnaps him, and then Chris has to go through the serious trauma of. Well. Being strapped to a wall, forced to watch helplessly as Sonic fucking dies.

And he’s blaming himself for it too.

MAJOR shoutout to Kobayashi’s acting in this scene, holy crap. But he just screams, and then... BREAKS THROUGH METAL?? And GRABS the Chaos Emeralds despite them ELECTRIC SHOCKING HIM???

And then of course we get this incredibly subtle dialogue.

"I will not let you have it. I will not let anyone have it. They’re only mine. Only me. Sonic... Sonic, you’re staying with me forever.”

Immediately after this, Chris almost fucking dies, and is only saved by Super Sonic. When he sees Super Sonic, he reacts by... begging. He drops down, clinging to Sonic and screaming and crying that he is nothing without Sonic.

Chris literally yells that he can’t do anything without Sonic, because that’s how he felt before Sonic. He could not do anything to get anyone to care about him, it only happened when Sonic arrived. So that’s how he sees himself: useless, worthless.

Sonic of course stays, but then dips for six months. When he gets back, a fucking god attacks Chris’s neighborhood, destroying his city. He gets sent away for a month, but that’s interrupted by Sonic being declared a fugitive from the government. Then Chris ends up with Shadow. He gets kidnapped by the goth clone of his emotional support hedgehog. He bonds with the goth clone. He gets the shit beaten out of him begging the goth clone to help save the world. It works, and Shadow runs off to save the planet. And then DIES.

You can tell how traumatized Chris is by this in the next episode. He’s disassociating again, staring at nothing, and eventually asks his uncle if he thinks they can actually live in the same world.

Which is followed by...

Part VIII: The Season Two Finale

We get the rather worrying scene of Chris having to write an essay for his school about his ideal future. Literally all he can think of is that he wants to stay with Sonic forever. He has no other ideals for the future. Just being attached to Sonic.

Only to go downstairs and find out that Sonic HAS to leave. They ALL have to leave. Their dimensions are caving in on themselves and they need to separate.

So he enters the Denial stage of grief.

He seems... dazed. Like he’s in a trance, as he argues that Sonic can’t leave, that all he wants to do is be with Sonic, that he can’t be apart from Sonic because he’s only been able to do things since Sonic got here. This was the first time he’s had agency in his life and he places it all on Sonic.

He decides that it must be Eggman’s fault and literally tracks him down. When he finds out that it’s not Eggman’s fault, he is distraught, and what’s interesting to me is that Eggman seems to get it. He just tells his robots to let him go. Let him be alone. Let him accept it.

Chris then falls back into the depression/disassociation during the entire farewell. He doesn’t emote, he just stares ahead. Something they cut in the English version is that while Chris is politely saying goodbye, throughout the whole scene you can hear his inner monologue screaming. Crying not to let them leave.

So he doesn’t.

The penultimate episode of Season Two is the culmination of Chris’s arc and they do it so beautifully.

Sonic knows Chris is going through a breakdown, and he lets him figure it out for himself. He lets him run off with him, he lets him make the decisions about where they go. Chris starts to realize this but says nothing. They see his tearful parents on TV begging him to come home and he... groans and leaves.

The episode also subtley shows Chris doing things himself. Climbing up the mountain, picking their roads. Sonic is slowly trying to let Chris know he has his own agency. That he is his own person.

They get to the campsite that meant a lot to Chris in his childhood, one of the only times that his parents hung out with him, and he breaks. Asks Sonic why he doesn’t hate him. Why he hangs out with him. If he only hangs out with him out of obligation.

And he comes to the conclusion himself that no, he can’t keep Sonic here. He can’t keep Sonic away from his world just because he has attachment issues. It was what he knew was right in Season One but couldn’t get himself to understand no matter how hard he tried. But now he gets it. And now he can let Sonic go.

The episode is soooo good, sooo fucking good. And then in the season finale, when we see the aftermath of that, when Sonic takes him on one last run and... he sees Sonic crying? Realizes that Sonic does love him and still lets him go? It’s impactful. It’s emotional.

Then when his parents come get him and he just smiles? Because he realizes they did come for him? That if Sonic can love him without obligation, maybe other people do too?

Chris’s severe attachment issues and trauma from being neglected culminated in this episode, and he made a bad choice. And then he made the right one. And that’s so good.

Part IX: Some Season Three Notes

Chris’s inclusion in the third season was... weird. It felt like they didn’t want to animate his adult model so they shoved him into a child body and made an excuse for it. But honestly, after traveling there, you can kinda... tell how much Chris has grown.

He was trying to get back to Sonic, but not because he needed him, but because they were friends. He and his friends wanted to see their friends again. He only went alone because he had a sense Sonic was in danger. And even in the twelve-year-old body, he’s an adult now and he acts like it. His only real emotional issue is that he is upset he can’t fight as well in his kid body, but then he figures out he can be useful with his inventions and finds a place with Tails. He’s basically parenting the rest of them for the rest of the season, telling Cosmo that her impulsiveness reminds him of his younger self. He offers to give up a way to return home because he knows the Metarex problem is bigger than himself.

At the end, when Eggman offers him a way home, you can tell they expected him to freak out about it. They’re shocked when he just says thank you, cries, and leaves immediately. They clearly not only will miss him, but they expected him to freak out like he did at the age of twelve. But he’s not twelve anymore. He’s spent the last six years surrounded by people who love him, healing from his trauma, and becoming his own person. So now he isn’t unhealthily attached to Sonic, and he can say goodbye if he has to. That growth, so subtly in the background of the season, really impressed me.

Part X: Fandom Reaction

On June 24 2022, I posted this meme to both twitter and tumblr.

On tumblr I got no pushback and a few agreements. On twitter I got a tidal wave of discourse, which tells you a lot about the two sites but regardless, this is the first time I get to ratio my commenters cause as of today, it has 23.4k likes and only 161 replies and 156 quote tweets. So that’s barely over 300 people (TOPS, considering several replies were positive) arguing against 23,400. So I may not be the only one thinking this!

But even still, with this being my most viral post atm, I got so many people bitching about Chris still. Even after all these years, he’s despised for being so annoying. And what is it? Is it really the fact that he got main charactered over Sonic? Really, I thought that was a plus of the show, that Sonic was a static figure that influenced what was around him. It doesn’t work for every Sonic property, but it did for this one. Was it just a hatred for humans in the franchise? Probably not, everyone loved Helen and the recent movies.

I really do think a vast majority of it is his realistic reaction to the trauma of neglect. “Ugly” trauma symptoms, like attachment issues, impulsive destructive behavior, aggressiveness, and selfishness, they are not looked upon kindly. Just look at how TikTok picks and chooses cute parts of mental illnesses and calls the rest “toxic.” And yes, sometimes mental illness can cause you to be toxic! And sometimes you’re just mentally ill! Sometimes you just have bad days and bad decisions and horrible mental states, and sometimes, life gets better. Sometimes life gets better and you begin to heal, and that’s what Chris’s arc was about, about him slowly gaining his own agency and starting to heal from his abandonment trauma. And he does this through the help of others. But with him having several moments where he reverts, several moments where his healing is non-linear, viewers see it as an annoying personality trait, not a trauma symptom he is trying to overcome. And one that he does. I cannot emphasize enough that he does overcome this and that the narrative specifically focuses on it. I’ve seen so many people say it was a writing flaw, that they never criticized Chris for his attachment to Sonic... it’s the focus of two season finales, what are you talking about? I think at that point, it’s just you.

Just think about why you find him annoying. You do not have to like Chris as a character but please recognize that his arc is a realistic portrayal of a neglected child and that’s why he is the way he is.

Part XI: Conclusion

I was gonna write a full-ass conclusion here but tumblr’s already trying to kill me over wordcount so uh. tl;dr Chris isn’t annoying he’s a traumatized child and this is something the narrative notices, examines, and resolves. What this means is that it’s not a writing problem, it’s a character flaw brought on by trauma that his character arc makes him heal from.

Leave him alone.

#chris thorndyke #sonic x #sonic meta #chris thorndyke meta #sth #mine #connie writes #connie goes ape

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media-illiterate · 1 year ago

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PSYKER HEADCANONS: FREE TO A GOOD HOME!

I wrote these out a while ago for my own use, and never posted them. But, as some people expressed interest, HERE THEY ARE! I'm gonna put them below a read more, because there's a lot of them. I have more on other psychic weirdness that I might post if people are interested in these.

(A reminder: Psykers are canon. There were psykers in fallout 1.)

Psykers - who often refer to themselves as Gifted - are individuals with strange powers and abilities – gifts* – that defy rational scientific explanation. Although they existed in small numbers before the war, psykers have become much more common since the bombs fell.

Psykers are fairly rare. Generally there's only a handful of psykers in any given geographic area, and they tend to stay on the move for their own safety. Many hide their nature for fear of being captured for study by high-tech groups such as the BOS or the Institute.

Gifts broadly fall into two categories: Projective and Receptive. Projective gifts include things that have external effects, like telekinesis, telepathy, pyrokinesis, etcetera. Receptive gifts are more internal, like precognition, psi-empathy, etc. Some gifts, like dream-walking and bio-pk, straddle the line.

Psykers typically have a mix of projective and receptive gifts, but usually with a stronger affinity for one than the other. Really powerful projectives tend to have minor receptive gifts, and visa-versa. Being a psyker does come with free ESP, though.

Most psykers acknowledge that the sources and natures of their gifts are extremely varied: prenatal exposure to FEV and/or radiation, extended parental contact with psi-phenomena, genetics, and simple random mutation are all common explanations of a psyker’s origin.

Many psyker’s gifts are latent/dormant, and the individual doesn’t consciously experience anything unusual. Latent gifts can awaken any number of ways, with physical or mental trauma and exposure to psychic phenomena being common triggers. For some, it seems truly random.

Overusing a gift causes “Burnout”. Symptoms vary widely; sudden change in blood pressure, heart rate, and body temperature are common, with purely neurological symptoms being rare but not unknown. Burnout can be deadly if a gift is pushed too far, especially for very strong psykers.

Receptive psykers are notably more common than projective psykers. Pykers with powerful projective gifts are rarer, and tend to be significantly more vulnerable to fatal burnout, but are not so rare as to be surprising. (I.E. How many serious athletes do you know?)

Receptive psykers are also more prone to advertise their gift (usually in return for caps) due to their intangible and thus easily dismissable nature. Projective types tend to be quiet about their Gifts for their own peace and safety, though some revel in the fear and awe they invoke.

Psykers tend to have really intense eyes, regardless of color. A psyker making eye contact tends to feel noticeably more… direct than normal. Especially if said psyker has psi-empathy or telepathy, in which case it can feel downright intrusive, like they’re inside your head.

Non-psykers can usually sense the use of a psyker’s gift indirectly. Someone standing near a telekinetic might feel their hair stand on end, while someone near a precognitive might feel watched. Regardless, strong gifts create a strong sensation of power and tension when in use.

Psykers stand out to other psykers. When they get close enough they can just feel them on the edge of their perception: more there than everyone else, almost like they’re backlit. Distance varies with sensitivity, but two psykers would usually sense one other across a crowded street.

Psykers have an aura, influenced by their powers and personalities, visible to other psykers when they use their abilities, as well as in dreams. Psykers can also literally sense what other psykers are doing with their powers, especially projective gifts.

Extended contact (physical or mental) with a Psyker (especially one with poor control) or any class of psychic presence can result in… weirdness. This effect is typically non-physical, involving things like accidental dreamwalking and development of low-level esp. Often called “Uncanny” by true psykers, these individuals occupy a strange place between the mundane and the preternatural.

There are only two instances of Psyker powers being successfully suppressed, neither of which has proven replicable: Jack Cabot’s Abramelin-Field and the Master’s Psychic Nullifier. These methods were either developed by a psyker (the Master) or by an individual directly influenced by one (Cabot).

Only one Nullifier still exists, currently in possession of a psyker known as “the Forecaster” in the Mojave wasteland. Its development was possible only due to the Master’s inhuman intellect and innate Gifts; all attempts by the Vault dweller to even comprehend the mechanisms underlying the device’s operation ultimately failed, and the Brotherhood couldn’t find empirical evidence that it did anything at all.

Jack Cabot’s Abramelin-Field is only applicable to one entity: his father Lorenzo Cabot… or the entity inhabiting his body, at least. Although the field causes distress in other psykers (feelings of being smothered/blinded) it doesn’t stop them from using their powers. Jack’s studies have suggested it only suppresses his father’s connection to the crown rather than impacting its powers directly.

#Fallout #Fallout meta #Fallout headcanons #I love psykers in fallout #It is imperative that we make fallout weirder #anyway these are free to use! If you credit me I will appreciate it but its just a courtesy. I won't mind if you don't.

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hiiragi7 · 1 year ago

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Honestly, it's talked about a lot just how rigidly medical many anti-endo spaces are, but I don't think it's talked about nearly enough how pro-endo spaces often fall into the exact same rhetoric. In fact, I have seen many pro-endos who push for even more strict medicalization than anti-endos do with regards to CDDs.

I cannot count the amount of times I have seen a pro-endo system say "I cannot have DID because I did not experience this specific type of severe abuse" or "I cannot have DID because my trauma didn't happen before the age of 9" or "I cannot have DID because I can still function fairly well in my daily life".

By making statements about what kind of trauma needs to happen, or quoting rigid age ranges for DID, or drawing lines in the sand at how disabled you need to be in order for it to count as "disordered enough" to be DID, pro-endos very much frequently fall into the exact same arguing points as anti-endos in order to seperate themselves from DID even if they claim to be against and mock the strict medicalization of DID often seen in anti-endo circles.

Despite claiming all the time that the rules are not as rigid as anti-endos make them out to be, pro-endos still often view DID as something "other" and create similar strict rules and binaries surrounding DID. It's especially prominent in systems who call themselves OSDD, who view OSDD as "less bad DID" and so cling to the OSDD label when their symptoms actually align more with DID. The lines they draw between OSDD and DID very often just show a lack of understanding of what DID's diagnostic criteria actually describes based on their own misconceptions about what DID is, which tends to be very narrow and specific. (Not to say everyone with OSDD is actually DID, of course, but it is a much higher number than people are really comfortable talking about.)

A lot of the time, this is very heavily related to downplaying symptoms as well as misinformation about what DID is. However, when downplaying is related to trauma, it is also a massive issue that the pro-endo community largely does not know what trauma is, either. Similar strict binaries and rules that people make about DID are also applied to the concept of trauma as a whole; especially when trauma has been so discoursified and used as an arguing point to harm endogenic systems, many systems are not comfortable talking about trauma at all.

We see this not only as it relates to dissociative disorders (ex., "Emotional neglect isn't enough to cause DID, you have to have been physically or sexually abused and I wasn't so I cannot have DID") but also as it relates to origins, particularly with things like traumagenic vs. stressgenic. Many pro-endos have very extreme ideas about what counts as trauma, and so do not believe they are traumatized if whatever their idea of "severe abuse" is was not present. Many who were abused in less overt ways or who dealt with trauma that was not related to abuse (ex., chronic stress, major surgeries, or natural disasters) tend to believe they are endogenic and non-disordered because they do not fit the picture of "trauma survivor" they have stereotyped in their head.

A lot of systems also have very narrow ideas of what a trauma response looks like, and believe it only ever looks like classic PTSD symptoms. If they do not have PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks or nightmares, there is a tendency to say "I am not traumatized".

Pro-endo spaces absolutely need to become more comfortable discussing and sharing information on disorder and trauma, because the current lack of knowledge is depressing at best and a barrier to recovery for many systems at worst. I do feel that syscourse has definitely worsened a lot of the pro-endo community's avoidance of discussing trauma and dissociation and the push to seperate experiences into anything except "traumagenic DID", though I do also feel it's related to unchecked trauma responses and internalized ableism as well. There's a lot of nuance and complexities to be found there, and this isn't a problem that can be solved overnight, but I do believe it can get better.

#syscourse

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piratecaptainscaptainpirates · 3 months ago

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I just got done with a fic where I missed a tag and I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it. The tag was dyslexic blackbeard/ed. There’s been so much discourse about Ed’s literacy. Which I don’t understand because we’re shown examples of him reading so idk why it’s a thing people think. So I tend to get easily triggered when he’s made to look like he can’t read or has trouble with reading. I know plenty of people have reading issues like dyslexia but to give it to Ed what with all the discourse? I’m curious as to what your thoughts are about this.

Man I honestly just think it really really really depends, y'know? There are two things that I think can be true here at once:

Fiction can reveal a lot about unconscious biases and racism in fandom spaces, and the way Ed's literacy has been discussed and there's so many fics about him having to learn to read even though he's clearly shown reading on screen in s1e5 is a prime example of that

Fanfic is also a great and cathartic way to put characters in situations as a way for the author to express themselves and explore their personal struggles in a safe space

I'm not gonna come out here and say things like "don't write Ed with your specific learning disability." But, at the same time, I think white authors especially really should consider how they write characters of color with relation to things like dyslexia.

The simple fact of the matter is that learning disabilities and neurodivergence are always going to be different when you're not white. Like, I have autism and ADHD and I don't have dyslexia but I have dyscalculia, which is kinda similar (think dyslexia but for numbers). Brown kids with learning disabilities are always going to be on a different playing field and we're going to have a different set of struggles with diagnosis, relationship to our disability, etc. than white kids. For example, Ed's more likely to be undiagnosed, to face disciplinary action in school for things he can't help related to his disability, and be labeled as "defiant" for struggling.

I'm never going to tell someone with ADHD, say, that they shouldn't write Ed as ADHD to explore that, but I do think authors should be mindful of how race factors in here. Like, even though one of my ADHD symptoms can be trouble keeping my space organized, I'm not going to give that to Ed because I worry it would fall too much in line with tropes about brown people being messy or unclean and Ed's always shown to prefer a clean, tidy space in the show.

I don't think, even given the discourse about Ed's literacy, there should be a hard limit here. I don't think we should automatically write off stories where Ed has dyslexia, because I could see them being done amazingly well by authors who have experience with that disability and who have considered how Ed's race will interact with his experiences. A fic where Ed's had to work ten times as hard and now he's a best-selling author, for example? Sign me the hell up!

Tl;dr: it depends? I don't think we should ever say "you CAN'T write about this character with this disability," but I also think that when writing about characters of color with disabilities, there's a responsibility to approach the topic with care, tact, and dignity.

#fandom discourse #fandom racism

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justanotherpersonsuniverse · 2 months ago

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Part One

Hey Cap!!

I hope your doing well <3

Sorry this took so long! Due to how long PN is there’s a chance I won’t go as in depth with each chapter as usual, there is, however, every chance I’ll ignore that and go crazy. We shall see what happens! (spoiler, i ignored it0

Chapters covered: Origins (1), and Origins (2)

Questions are numbered and in bold.

Onto the insanity!

[— — —]

It’s always very nostalgic to go back to the start :3

You’ve obviously improved leaps and bounds in writing so it is in a noticeably different style at the start but it’s still fantastic.

The first line just highlights that this won’t be the usual story falling into tropes and using cliches as a crutch for everything. I think it’s fantastic. I’m not sure whether it was intentional, but the fact that it focuses on the mundane and says “But this wasn’t the story she’d chosen to be in. This was simply one she was a part of.” is just- perfect.

For Juleka and the story you tell as a whole. Like, yes, the superhero and magical aspect is essential for the framework of the story, but unlike usual it is not glorified or the most important thing to Juleka.

Idk man I just love it :)) Especially because Juleka already sidelines herself in her own story. I love the way that she isn’t aware that she is the main character in like her own life? She idolises ladybug and believes she blends into the background and just- she doesn’t believe she is a focal point for anyone. Until she gets to be Panthera of course.

Don’t worry, I’ll go into her relationship with her own identity, i just think I should move onto actually commenting on the current story rather than rambling on :3

I do like how Luka and Anarka are mentioned immediately, it excellently shows how she lives and who’s important to her in a natural way.

I think the only other long haul fic I’ve read (not written by you, Cap) which focussed on Juleka was Powers of Invisibility by yestomiraculous, and as much as I adore it even that sometimes felt like it was more a vehicle to talk about other characters?

Question 1: I’ve kinda just assumed you’ve read Powers of Invisibility, but I’m curious if you actually have? The way you write Juleka is very fun, but I’m curious if you have any fics you’ve pulled inspiration from for that too )

Whether it was a symptom of Juleka at heart being someone who observes rather than interjects or because that was the intention I don’t know. What I’m getting at is that I think you balance Juleka’s character really bloody well in this. Yes, she constantly feels invisible and is critical of herself and is observant, but she also has her own stuff going on?

Whenever it does feel like Juleka is just floating, observing other people feels very intentional, like in princess prom when she just watches Adam dance with Rose. Sorry I will go on a lot of tangents in this i have so many thoughts on Panthera, ranging from the intricacies to the plot at large.

Oh I love that we see Marinette and Fu nearly getting run over from Juleka’s perspective, the way that her guilt about freezing up and not helping pushes her later? Amazing. Plus, how much her internal monologue over analyses things and assumes the worst is so much fun.

AAAA YOU BASTARD. Sorry, what I meant to say was; Of course you managed to have Juleka put Marinette on a pedestal in the first chapter. “Juleka could only see Marinette as incredible brave, a hero.” toxic yuri ladynoire is one of my favourite things about this fic, but I never realised you’d established it right at the start!!

Of course she immediately turned to criticising herself Juleka girly please. There is this thing called the bystander effect I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it-

The way that she has unrealistic expectations of perfection for herself while simultaneously believing she is not worthy of so much… we love a contradictory character.

Fits for a cat tbh, they’re contrarian. Everyone (minus Adama (and Roger) think Juleka is like so nice and lovely and yet-

I need to stop going on a rant or i’ll never finish this.

Help not the way Juleka was all doom and gloom but as soon as she spoke to Rose she was like “oh hey maybe today won’t suck”

Love the little POV change to briefly show why Adrien doesn’t choose to help Fu, I’ve always liked that. Even though it’s simple it’s better than leaving us to wonder what changed.

Adore that the main thing she mentions about Adrien is a) he’s shorter than expected, and b) she admires him because she also wants to be a model.

Not the way you contrasted Adrien and Juleka here, Adrien quickly forgot about Fu being collapsed on the pavement but Juleka is being consumed by it.

Tidbit of Chloe being a better person in this story, I do like that Juleka acknowledges what she’s seeing (Chloe being nervously protective of Adrien) and then dismisses it to fit the narrative of what she knows.

Here he is! Stoneheart! I do like how Juleka obviously does think it’s a little bit cool but is also in a right panic about everyone being safe.

Question 2: Does Luka go to school? Like. i don’t think he does in the show it’s a bit unclear, it doesn’t matter anyway. I'm curious about what his deal is in Panthera.

Yippee!! Juleka saves Fu!! And will becoming irrevocably traumatised due to this!!

Question 3: If this isn’t too spoilery, what is Fu’s method for choosing miraculous holders? Is it literally just playing the good samaritan story from the bible or is there more behind the scenes for who he targets? (and why is it always a teenager??)

I can’t tell if Fu actually didn’t notice Juleka not helping before or if he just says that to make her feel better. However, Juleka apologising to a stranger because she feels it’s morally wrong not to even though she struggled to speak to a long time classmate? Love it.

I LOVE ANARKA MY SILLY. I READ OUT HER LINES ALOUD YIPPEE

Question 4: Do you remember why you chose to give Anarka a scottish accent? If so, what where your reasons and was it this was from the start?

First; cute that Juleka and Rose texted to check on each other (and that she’s Rose <3 in her contacts), second; Rose you neek why are you stuttering over text. I can’t remember if we ever get shown what Rose has Juleka as in her contacts but i’m sure it’s something sickeningly sweet.

Juleka would chicken out about sending a heart. Tbh i find that so funny cause I do the same thing about crushes but to my friends I send <3 and call them silly names all the time it’s prolly more noticeable not to lmao

Plagg!! Stinky cheese cat!! He’s such a good character in this fr, he’s a good balance of a menace while also acting as a wonderful friend, confidant, and guiding figure for Juleka

Plagg is so overwhelming for realsies, you can’t just drop that you had blackbeard as a pirate. He’s such an interesting person in history but now all I can imagine is a pirate hat with cat ears while his suit makes it look like his beards on fire. Kinda want to see that design now… that’d go hard.

Tbh if i was told by some alien looking cat that i was about to be a superhero i’d freak out too, there are so many unknown variables fr

THIS IS SO MUCH PRESSURE TO PUT ON A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. WHY AREN’T ADULTS DOING THIS.

Juleka and her saviours complex are great and all but the poor thing doesn’t need all that.

The fact that she continues just to everyone and her brother but not because she wants this… i do love that that’s a consistent thing for her characterisation you usually see the hero character wanting to do it for them instead of solely focussing on the safety of others? Idk i’m explaining this badly but I like her motivations fr

I’ll forever be mad about the unbalanced abilities in miraculous, i’m so glad you gave the black cat another ability to at least match the amount given to the ladybug but it’s just such a frustrating part of the show.

WHOOO FIRST APPEARANCE OF PANTHERA

The masking and inferiority complex towards herself go crazy fr. Ah, ye old Panthera design I thank it for its service of inspiring this whole fic but I will always love your new designs for any and all miraculous heroes Cap they go so hard.

No way she calls Ladybug familiar-

Question 5: How does the glamour situation work over in PN? Like, we see Juleka break through it to figure out Marinette, but we are also currently watching her fight with it about knowing who Rena Rouge is. If it’s not in spoiler territory I’d love to know some of the inner workings :3

Love how self conscious Marinette is at first and how Juleka is the one directing the conversation (and the way she is freaking out about doing it she’s so real). The dichotomy of how they both see each other as the collected trustworthy superhero while never mentioning it goes crazy.

I believe you write from Marinette’s POv a couple times but i’m not sure, the fact that she sees Panthera as the put together one goes crazy

The way that Juleka calls Ladybug partner throughout the story… it’s perfect i love it. And that Marinette calls her kitty, oh oh!! New question.

Question 6: Ladynoire obviously does not happen in this, but both in universe it has been hinted at (the date and Marinette saying “we just speedran dating” that line lives in my head rent free) and in asks you’ve said the story could have gone that way. What I’m getting at is; did Marinette ever have a crush on Panthera (knowingly or not) and would you be willing to briefly get into that here?

I will always go crazy over Juleka being the bouncy enthusiastic one when transformed, you’ve said it was originally a joke and then you realised how sad it could get and I’m SO glad you went the sad route. Lighthearted ladynoire vibes in the season one rewrite will always be so cute to read back though

The way Juleka keeps freaking out internally over athletic feats is so good, i love this aspect we get in writing which you can’t really get in tv shows without a super imposed internal monologue which feels unnatural most of the time.

RAAA THE WAY YOU EMPHASISE THAT BOTH SUPERHEROS ARE ESSENTIAL IN THE FIRST FIGHT IS SO GOOD

Juleka freaking out about hissing and being smarmy and all that is so much fun to read.

Juleka saying “We’re fucked” after seeing the scuba suit is iconic. She has literally zero faith at the start-

No!!! I get so sad when Juleka spirals while Ladybug is getting questioned by Alya about everything. So glad you made her also ask Juleka questions fr.

YOO?? I was going to bring up how she hadn’t referred to herself as Panthera once during this but she did at the end there after she had been validated by an outside source (alya being curious). Obviously she refers to Panthera as a separate entity even in her head later on, which makes me crazy but we’ll get there when we get there but I’ll totally pay attention to whether she’s calling herself Juleka or Panthera and in what situation she’s doing that in.

It’s a small detail but i’ve found those fun to play around with in writing.

HEY HANG ON HEYHEYEHYE

NO YOU DIDN’T OMG

Ok so i never registered that you wrote “This wasn’t just superheroes and villains. This was more, she could feel it. She could only ask. What’s going on…” and like?? This is such a huge thing Juleka focusses on in this?

Like how she takes their work seriously in a different way to Marinette because she sees it as a genuine threat both during the akuma and out of it because of how emotions are targeted and how she resorts to simple violence whereas Marinette will use a complex plan. This is like tangentially related to how Marinette has her black and white thinking vibes (superheros and villains) while Juleka just sees people, people in different situations and how that changes her perception of their actions and-

Sorry i’m not sure if all this makes sense i just kinda went crazy.

[— — —]

Second chapter!!

I do enjoy how Juleka almost told Ladybug to use the cure but social anxiety-d her way out of it. Hammering home her regret by giving Luka a hidden sprained leg is devious. I like him in this btw he’s just a silly guy who is essential to Juleka’s mental health and has his own stuff going on :3

Plagg not getting much Camembert in this is so tragic for him, the fact that he accepts string cheese from Juleka anyway just proves he’s a softie fr

I do love how we just get told in show that the Couffaines live on a boat and that Anarka acts like a pirate and we just. Get no further explanation. I like to think it’s something about dodging taxes

Plagg encouraging Juleka to be a model just so she can fund his fondness for Camembert-

For some reason it’s that which made me think about how insane it would be for Juleka to balance a job on top of all this. Plus I feel like she’d totally end up with a Model Juleka mask too furthering her identity crisis stuff

I like how you had someone mention a family member being hospitalised by Stoneheart, sometimes it feels like the impact of being the first Akuma (and the only one which wasn’t cured) isn’t given enough attention.

The fact that Ivan went to school the day after is insane fr but it needs to happen for the plot.

People gotta be proper scared of him cause as far as they’re aware he is the villain.

Hey I’ve just realised that Juleka starts her whole “understanding the motivation for an Akuma can be the key to helping the person” thing right here when she goes up to talk to Ivan, that’s awesome I never made that connection before

Alya explaining that she just couldn’t think of a blog name including both of the heroes is a good detail, I know it was just a symptom of Ladybug being the protagonist in MLB but it was still a bit weird it was just called the ladyblog

I like that Chloe has a reason why she’s being a bitch; Stoneheart broke Roger’s arm so she’s getting back at him for that. Well, it doesn’t excuse how she approached it but a reason is better than an unprompted attack

Annnnd Panthera’s back woop!!

Hmm, you wrote “Juleka’s ears perked up as she heard Chloe’s shrill voice scream.” and it got me wondering;

Question 7: Do the miraculous give other abilities other than elevated strength, endurance, reflexes, and magical stuff? Like can Juleka hear stuff better when transformed? Or another example would be having better night vision? If so would these side effects continue into her untransformed self? As I know you’ve said her ‘claws’ and ‘slitted eyes’ and all that described when not transformed is actually just her being an unreliable narrator but side effects are always cool :3

Tbh the fact that an Akuma just multiplies when it’s not purified is insane like why the fuck does it do that? This isn’t an actual question, but it’s so crazy to me that if they missed literally any other Akuma they could’ve had like three million Dark Cupid’s running amuck.

Roger sucks man, why did he want to shoot at the Akuma holding a civilian??

Juleka not even registering how right after she’d ‘realised’ that she wasn’t cut out for hero work she reassured Ladybug for feeling the exact same way is so her. Like girl why are you allowed to have self doubt but no one else is??

Panthera’s speech about how they can do it… amazing moment. I’m sure Marinette was so very straight and normal about it whenever she thinks back to it.

Ladybug this is a terrible plan. Her plans are always crazy. The fact that they work is even more crazy. I can’t wait to see whatever you replace Reflecta Two with and see Julekas lucky charm leading to incredible violence or a therapy session (there’s no in between) while Marinette just gapes in the background.

“Another dream would be modeling.. But she could never do that.. If heroism was her path, she wouldn’t regret it.” JULEKA YOU ARE FALLING OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER GET IT TOGETHER

And. hm. I don’t think Juleka ever regrets heroism but she definitely doesn’t like it much. The whole people being in danger and constantly having to fight and put herself in danger bit I mean, not the saving people bit.

Also i think this is a badass scene even though Juleka is ruminating as she falls from a great height lmao, the imagery of her diving after the Akuma and everything is so wonderful :3

Real of Ivan to question why they know his name. Marinette sucks at pretending she doesn’t know people fr

“I should keep the hair off my face.. Maybe I’ll be less recognizable.” Girl you're not Clark Kent the only reason no one knows is because of the glamour fr. but also. She kinda would be unrecognisable wouldn’t she.

Hang on.

Question 8: So, before Juleka finds out Ladybug’s identity, it is hinted at that she will through multiple instances of her being “familiar” or knowing something she shouldn’t. Has Rose ever felt the same way about Panthera? As in; “She feels familiar, like I know her…” or is this spoilers? You know I’ll always be rabid for hints at a reveal between them, or anyone outside of Luka and Anarka finding out.

RAHHH JUST AS I SAY THAT JULEKA ASKS IF SHE SHOULD TELL ROSE AT SOME POINT I FORGOR THIS HAPPENED

YGBF4HNIRJECUDWOMSQIK

Sorry

Oh you’ll tell her when you defeat him will you?? Cap I won’t survive. I’ll simply be deceased. I must see the aftermath of the reveal. So much happened between Rose and Panthera and it reveals a whole side of Juleka she kept secret and-

There is simply too much opportunity to make it upsetting for you to pass up. Not that I think Rose would, idk, cast Juleka aside for her dishonesty or something equally dramatic, but the feelings!! They’ll be so big and she’ll have so many questions!!

Juleka is literally so loyal girl what “I trust ladybug” YOU JUST MET HER!! I love it but also girl! Trust yourself some more! Actually if she did at this point it’d feel out of character (i think her beef with master fu is one of the only examples her trusting her gut)

Fr i can’t wait for Panthera to not defer to Ladybug or disagree in season 4 i’m actually going to go insane when that happens. In my live reaction to that chapter i’ll literally decompose or something.

I LOVE THE IMAGERY AT THE END. BTW. PUSHING HER HAIR BACK OVER HER EYES BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHO SHE IS. IT MAKES ME CRAZY.

[— — —]

P.S. I’ve been smiling the whole time reading this, just thinking about reading more and getting to my favourite moment’s is making me all giddy, thank you for sharing your stories Cap they’re fantastic and you’re incredible for writing them :3

P.P.S. For some reason this one is about 1.5 times the length of the last one?? idk why, new enemy; consistency.

YAHHH IM SO EXCITED TO GET YOUR REVIEWS OKAY QUESTION TIME

Question 1: Yes I have! There's scenes in Panthera that are like directly inspired by the fic, esp in chapter 1, but I've since edited these scenes to make them less like the scenes from Powers of Invisibility. Its such a good fic, and really got me into Juleka, and I re-read it often to kinda get into her vibe of as a person.

THE TOXIC LADYNOIRE YURI WASNT INTENTIONAL FROM THE START BUT MAN WAS IT ALWAYS DOOMED TO HAPPEN <3 its almost meta

Im glad you enjoyed Adrien! I always wanna make sure he's not forgotten. I want him to still be the guy who could've been Chat Noir yknow!

Question 2: When writing this my idea was that Luka was homeschooled because they couldn't afford sending them both to school, and he rather had Juleka go to school than him. But in one of the episodes it was implied he Did go to school just a different one. So, Im not sure anymore tbh

Question 3: He's running by good samaritan laws and also magical vibes. Sometimes souls are just a bit more attuned to magic. Also he chooses young people because while adults who pick up miraculouses will have an easier time from the start, children can adapt and grow even more powerful over the course of many years. This is morally pretty bad, but he was also chosen as a child so the trauma clouds his views a bit.

Question 4: Her english va speaks with a weird fucked up mix of a scottish and pirate accent in the show and I think theres a scottish flag on the Liberty!

Found it!

Juleka's decision to be a hero being stemmed entirely on the safety of her loved ones was always a key part of her I always found intentional. Despite her lack of self preservation in the thick of things, I imagine she just tries to avoid things from the start? This scene was edited a while back from Luka actually being seen injured by Juleka on tv to something more believable- which is the current version you most likely read.

Question 5: The Ladybug and Cat miraculous are always drawn to each other. I imagine throughout history, they were always forced to be enemies of some kind or as separate as possible due to how powerful this draw was. Juleka's also already very attached to Marinette, so it was a funky mix that kinda pushed that recognition. So while Juleka is close to Alya (somewhat) that's not enough to carry her past through that thick layer of glamour. (Doesn't help that Alya's got the illusion miraculous too!)

Also; I like to imagine that if Luka can magically hear what people's hearts sound like, Juleka has that but for her eyes. It's a, Hear no Evil, See no Evil thing- that I may explore later. Look man, Anarka's ancestors were probably on some shot.

Question 6: It's hard to put it but, it's less of a crush and more... these two are genuinely in love and I'm genuinely writing it that way. They just don't recognize it and it's muddled with a lot of other feelings so it's just never on their mind until it is and it gets very chaotic. Marinette has considered a crush on Panthera but she waves it off as crazy every time I think.

IM SO GLAD YOU READ INTO THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JULEKA AND MARINETTE. It's so fun.

Chapter two! Absolutely its about dodging taxes. Fun fact; I've found that camembert is actually not that expensive. But I imagine the kind Plagg likes is.

Question 7: They do! Alya's glamour is stronger than average and she and Juleka have better night vision, a sense of hearing, and smell. Of course there's unreliable narrator stuff, but I do imagine Juleka's nails are much stronger now.

ALSO RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT?? ITS INSANE THAT THAT CAN JUST OCCUR. THE AKUMA MULTIPLICATION THING. THEY NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY.

Also for sure Juleka hates heroism. It's her new curse. But she's got a duty to fulfill with it. She treats it like an unpaid 9-5

Question 8: Absolutely has Rose felt those feelings! It probably fueled her crush on Panthera a lot! But the glamour worked just too perfectly on her, poor thing. Power of love ain't enough.

Im glad you enjoyed re-reading Panthera! It's the hardest thing to do for me lol but the idea that the start can still bring joy to people makes me really happy. Cheers!

#panthera noire au #sneak a cat

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bitchkay · 3 months ago

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Dancing in the dark♡

~Rio Voleri

CW: fluff, ur pregnant again sry😬 rio can't keep his hands off you, fem reader, miss reader can sing🎤🎵🎶, rio got a little beard♡, rio says an innuendo guys😳, yall are so in love you're a little bit stupid🤕, this takes place during your third pregnancy but you're not incredibly far along (but showing) so Genesis isn't in the picture at this point, falling in love by cigarettes after sex♡, gets suggestive at the end

Word count: 1536

Rating: Teen and up audiences

Note: my Google search history probably thinks I'm pregnant with how much I've been researching about pregnancy, what's generally normal, what's considered high risk/low risk, symptoms, side effects, baby's, growing infants/toddler, baby development, hormones and mood swings and other stuff like that, I love doing research for stuff like this though I like knowing things plus I wanna be accurate, and it's kinda fun, I be looking at forums and posts by pregnant women and I'm like damn that's crazy🤭🤭

☆𝕋𝕙𝕣𝕖𝕖'𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕕, 𝕗𝕠𝕦𝕣'𝕤 𝕒 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕪 + 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

“You're not cold are you?”

You perked up looking behind you as Rio came up to where you sat on a sturdy rock by the pond in the castle gardens. The moon shone bright, illuminating the clearing, the water glittering in the subtle light.

“I'm fine, I brought a sweater with me. Did Halo finally go down?” You asked scooting over to make room for your burly husband.

“She's asleep. I had to sit with her until she fell asleep though, she didn't want me to leave. I also checked on the twins, they're fast asleep as well,” Rio sat next to you throwing his arm around your shoulder holding you close to his side.

“Thank you so much sweetie. Sorry to ask you to put the kids to bed by yourself,” you lean your head on his shoulder affectionately.

“You needn't worry about me, I'd do whatever you asked of me if you wanted, especially when it comes to our kids,” Rio leaned over to gently kiss your forehead. “How's number four?”

Referring to your pregnant belly Rio looked down at you, moving his arms down towards your waist caressing your side as you threw your legs over his lap.

“I want to say, asleep like the others,” you gave a soft chuckle. “Calm… nice… was kicking earlier but probably got the hint that it's nighttime and not to fight with me so late, hehe. We’re doing good.”

“Good.”

Rio sat with you in silence rubbing your side soothingly as you both watched the calm waters of the little pond before you. Little lily pads floating atop the water and flowers around the pond's perimeter. The critters that lived here must be asleep as well.

“Do you ever think that we're going too fast, Rio?”

Your voice made him pause a moment, putting a hand to his slightly hairy chin in thought.

“What do you mean?”

“I'm pregnant, Rio. We've been married for less than ten years. This is our fourth child and my third pregnancy. The twins are already seven years old, Halo is about to be four, with another baby on the way, plus we talked about adopting too… of course I wouldn't trade any of this for the world but…”

“Well, do you think we're going too fast? Tell me. I know I'm as much a father as you are a mother but the choice is ultimately yours. You know I wouldn't be mad if you decided you didn't want to have anymore kids. Of course I love every child you've given me but it's your body on the line not mine. Talk to me” Rio looked you in the eyes with seriousness, his love for you shining through. “You're my wife first.”

“I was just thinking that our family is getting so big so fast already,” you say calmly. You spread your hand on your swollen stomach, rubbing it through the clothes. “But you know what? I can't imagine doing this with anyone else… However, breeding me every three years is a bit overkill, no?”

Rio smiles cheekily pulling you closer so you're fully on his lap. “You know I can't get enough of you, I cherish our rare alone time together.” He leans in nuzzling up to the side of your face like a puppy bidding for affection. “Plus motherhood has made you so undeniably alluring to me~”

“Rio!”

You push his face away playfully standing up hiding your embarrassed face. Rio follows you, hugging you from behind before you can run away relaxing as you lean into his touch. You close your eyes, putting your hands on top of his sighing as a pleasant night breeze hits your skin.

“You're sure you're not cold?”

You nod your head quietly, turning around in his embrace, wrapping your hands behind Rios neck as you rested your head on his chest. You feel so at ease in his arms, his warmth radiating through his clothes, steady heartbeat acting as a metronome.

“Even if I was… you're warm… stay like this a while longer?”

Rio smiles, placing a kiss on the top of your head. “For you, Sunbeam♡”

And so you stand in the floral garden illuminated by the moon swaying back and forth to an invisible melody like trees in a gentle breeze. You hum a tune closing your eyes leaning further into Rio's chest letting the song carry you paying no heed to the fact you're still outside humming the song contently.

“What song is that?” Rio rubs your back soothingly as he falls into step with you.

“A song from back home- the human realm I mean. I just suddenly remembered it… it's a good song,” you breathed out your words, relaxed.

“Sing it to me,” Rio smiled down at you as he took your hand in his wrapping the other around your waist.

“You want me to?”

“Of course.”

“It's been quite a while, you know? I don't think I remember all the words,” you said shyly as Rio pulled you into a slow dance simply enjoying being close to you.

“That's okay. I wouldn't know the difference anyway.”

You giggle looking away flustered. “Well now I'm nervous, what if you don't like it?”

“Then I won't ask again. Please, my love.” Rio thumbed your hip affectionately giving you a sweet smile.

Your face warmed at the use of “my love” making you smile. “Alright then♡”

You cleared your throat as Rio held you by the waist gliding about, dancing as you hummed the melody.

“When I hold you close to me, I could always see a house by the ocean. Last night I could hear the waves, as I heard you say ‘All that I want to be is yours’...”

With one hand on his shoulder and the other in his palm you smile up at Rio lovingly as you sway back and forth, him looking back at you with just as much admiration if not more as he pulled you closer by the waist.

“Falling in love, falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before with you baby. I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart.” You rested your head on Rio's chest as you sang, feeling a soft kiss be placed on top of your head.

“Beautiful…”

Your mellow voice carried you as you danced through the grass in a comfortable hold, the moon rising higher in the sky. You gave a soft chuckle as you forgot some of the words humming along the melody. In this moment Rio couldn't help but find you the loveliest creature in all the land.

“Falling in love, falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before with you baby. I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart♡”

As you finished the song you felt fatigue creep up on you, leaning on Rios chest with more weight.

“Sunbeam? Getting sleepy? It's late.” Rio hugged you gently to his chest tenderly placing a hand on your head. “Do you want to go inside?”

“Maybe… I'm just really comfortable here with you. I like moments like this,” you wrapped your arms around Rio torso. “I just wish this baby wasn't getting in the way of being right up against you.”

Rio chuckled at your words before scooping his arm beneath your knees picking you (and all your pregnant self) up with ease.

“Hey! I can walk you kno–!”

“Hush. Knowing you, you'll be asleep before we get to the room. Relax, will you,” Rio said in a more stern tone, no stranger to your stubbornness.

Your face warmed as his voice sent your heart a flutter. Perhaps it was just your hormones talking but suddenly sleep was the last thing on your mind.

“The kids are asleep right?” You asked innocently.

“Yes? Why-” oh he knows that look in your eye.

“I'm horny-”

“No.”

“But baby-”

“We are going to bed.”

“But I need you…”

“And you need sleep,” of course Rio would love to indulge you but at this hour you would be lucky to get any sleep at all before dawn if he gave into your (his) desires. He must (begrudgingly) put his foot down.

“Why are you so mean to me…” you pouted, your eyes turning wet as you crossed your arms.

“Sunbeam…” he kissed your forehead for the nth time this night.

“You just can't keep up with me because these pregnancy hormones make me insatiable…” Which is true, your moods tended to be up and down, sad, mad, ultra happy, but when you were in the mood nothing could bring you down better than your hot and sexy husband. Once your doctor said it was safe to have intercourse during this pregnancy you weren't passing up the opportunity to have sex with Rio any chance you could get it, whenever you wanted it and could slip away.

“Exactly. If I let you have your way neither of us are going to sleep tonight, and as much as you say you need me, I know you're tired. So let's go to sleep, my love.

“... you hate me.”

“Let's go to sleep, my love.”

“You want me dead.”

“We're going to bed, my love.”

©bitchkay.tumblr.com

#rio voleri #court of darkness #fanfiction #otome fanfic #voltage inc #cod fanfic #court of darkness fanfiction #three's a crowd four's a party + the family ☆ series #kay's writing

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drdemonprince · 2 years ago

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I know people got angry about the "talking about caffeine like any other drug" thing but I think it's so helpful not just to discuss the arbitrary lines between legal and illegal substances but also for informed consent purposes *with* caffeine itself. For example my use of alcohol has changed drastically since reading Unmasking Autism because I didn't realize I was only able to interact with allistics in the context of relaxed social rules when everybody was drinking. Now that I have that information my decisions around it are much different (basically using alcohol only when I *want* to get the feelings it gives me, and when I have to interact with people using other coping strategies instead).

I can't quit caffeine right now, but I might reduce its use in the future and only use it when I want that caffeinated feeling and not to keep up with work like I do now. Which I didn't even think about before, precisely because even though I rationally knew it was a drug I never thought of it as a "drug-drug".

Yo yessss thank you!!! Informed consent means being fully apprised of the risks and benefits of a substance, and having the freedom to choose when to use it. Currently, very few of us enjoy that level of empowered freedom with just about any substance that we use.

Our doctors don't tell us about all the risks of the drugs we are on (I'm still bitter as hell nobody told me that my muscle development would be stunted by going on hormonal birth control at 18!!! and that it would give me lasting breast growth), and the substances that are not medically prescribed but legal are ones that many of us quaff without thought, and without ever being told the effects of. For instance, did you know prolonged use of Benadryl increases the risk of developing Alzheimers??? I didn't! and i was using that shit to fall asleep and regulate anxiety for a time!!

In the United States in particular there is no open conversation with young people about the potential effects of alcohol, how the drug can act like a mild stimulant in smaller doses but then ricochet into massively depressing effects after hours of use, with an anxiety spike hours beyond that as it leaves the system. We don't talk to people about the effects of caffeine -- and that it's not necessarily normal for so many people to deal with daily gastric issues, trouble falling asleep, trouble sitting still, and intense irritability all day long as presently do.

Some people are just like that, some people have anxiety disorders and benefit from anti-anxiety meds to treat those symptoms, some people find ways of coping with it that involve mindfulness or meditation or whatever else -- but a great number of people who experience these issues are only going through them because they're on caffeine and they're working too hard. And what they've come to believe is an inevitable part of their chemistry is in fact economically and socially created from the outside, and could be prevented if they were only able to stop.

but many of them can't stop. because of capitalism. and so they aren't informed about the real risks & costs of the substances they are using, and they aren't freely able to revoke their (dubious) consent.

meanwhile as someone who only started using weed regularly about a year and a half ago and who is now curious about trying psychedelics, ive been lovingly inundated in helpful tips, usage guides, listings of various strains and their distinct effects, lab results testing doses, etc from the people I know who are passionate about those substances and want to ensure that anybody else using them has a good time.

I don't want to paint these substances with a pollyannaish brush either -- weed can trigger hallucinations and psychotic episodes in some segments of the population, a fact that too many ardent weed heads ignore -- but the difference in the level of control I have over my experience as a weed user and the utter lack of information and self-determination I have when seeking out prescribed meds, or even ingesting caffeine, is unreal.

So many foods covertly contain caffeine or openly are caffeinated yet don't document how many milligrams of the substance it has, for example. It's impossible to safely and responsibly use a substance when you don't even know how much you're getting, and it's bizarre we're all being dosed with stimulants all day long often without even realizing it.

this might seem like a low-importance example, and people will say to me dismissively that caffeine doesn't ruin any lives, but when I look back on how much I've used the substance to further my eating disorder and how many people i've been short and cruel-tempered with over the years because i was downing cups and cups of the stuff all day without reflection, i'm not sure i believe that argument.

but of course all roads in this conversation lead back to capitalism. i wouldnt have been drinking this stuff with abandon if i hadn't been trying to shove three days of work into a single 8 hours, and if my culture and economic system hadn't been foisting the stuff on me from day one.

my uncle says that i was always a deeply anxious kid, i guess it was something that my grandmother fretted about as well, and yet when i decided in my teens to start boosting that anxiety with caffeine every day, and became even more moody and negative, nobody connected the dots, and nobody thought to warn me. and why would they, nobody warned them.

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ahmementos · 2 years ago

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Hazards of The Job

I'm not sure if I'll manage all the prompts as real life kinda went wild, but I'll still write some for the rest of the month on a pick and choose basis.

Febuwhump Day 11 : Fever

Happy Ending On Ao3

You didn’t just have a fever, not in Leon’s line of work. It was worse than a typical person googling their symptoms on WebMD. You had to figure out when the last time you had a dangerous mission was. You had to double and triple check your body for cuts or abrasions that looked infected in the worst way possible the doctors might have missed. If you had a fever, you had to report it to work so their doctors could run a multitude of tests.

When you already had a prior infection inside you, it sent you down a never ending spiral of dread and anxiety. Your mind plays tricks on you. You start to remember every pain you had when infected. You cross reference the aches and pains you currently have with the ones you had over a decade ago that were as fresh as remembering what you did or didn’t have for breakfast.

When you hear the front door to the apartment open up, you dread giving Chris that key. “It’s a fever,” Leon groaned, too weak to do much else from his position on the bed. “Get the fuck out.”

“You have been at a desk doing paperwork for a week and before that it was training at the on-site range.” Chris brought in two bags of food that contained what looked to be soup containers. “It is probably the flu that’s going around at work.”

“Got my flu shot,” Leon mumbled against his pillow.

“And we both know that shit doesn’t always stop it from happening.” Chris grabbed the thermometer from the nightstand. “Open up.”

Leon didn’t fight the order.

“Don’t let that fall,” Chris added as he pulled out what was very clearly soup from one of the bags. “If you turn into a zombie, I’ll shoot you, okay?”

Leon rolled his eyes; obviously taking his temperature was a tactic to shut him up, not that he had the energy to really sass him back anyway.

The electronic beep told Chris the temp was taken and he pulled the thermometer away and stared at the numbers. “What was it earlier?”

“102.”

Chris nodded. “It’s 100.9 now. Our lines of infection to worry about run upwards to 104.” He sat down on the bed and smoothed his hand against Leon’s warm skin. “Unfortunately for you and your death wish, you just might live.”

“Fuck you,” he mumbled but allowed Chris to help him sit up against pillows. “I feel like shit.”

“It’s a pretty bad flu this year.” He dipped the spoon into the container and moved the soup closer to Leon’s mouth. “You have to eat.”

Leon stared at the soup and the moving contents slithering in and out of the broth. “It’s moving.” He looked up at the drooling monstrosity that was definitely not Chris and was too weak to move. “Jesus fucking Christ…”

“Leon, wake up!”

The feeling of Chris’ hands on his shoulders jolted him back to consciousness. “Fuck,” was all he could get out before he had to lean away from Chris and vomit. Black liquid splashed against the broken cement he’d been sitting down on. It may have been blood but the darkness of the abandoned sewer entrance made it all seem black. Knowing his luck, it was black, which meant the infection had progressed to a dangerous point.

“Are you still you?” Chris gestured to his side at the soldier who had a gun trained on Leon’s forehead to make him stand down.

“Just kill me.” It was jarring to be in one place then suddenly meet the glaring reminder that you were actually infected while on duty and waiting on an antivirus that might not even work. They’d vacated the lab and found a sewer tunnel entrance just beyond the facility to keep Leon secure while a cure was located.

Second time in a row, too, and Leon wasn’t sure his luck was going to hold for a second miracle. Did he want to die? No, but he also didn’t want to become the job, either.

The soldier lowered the weapon. “Yeah, that’s Kennedy.”

Chris might have growled under his breath before he started removing enough of Leon’s jacket to have access to his shoulder. “I told you,” he said softly. “You aren’t dying today, damn it.”

Leon was sure he looked amazing, black liquid already drying against his lips and his hair plastered from sweat against his forehead. “I was looking forward to it.” He didn’t wince when the injection burned through his body; the fever cooking him from the inside out decided the antivirus just felt like a slight tickle.

“Now we wait.” Chris gestured for the soldier to guard outside the perimeter. “I told you if it doesn’t work, I’ll handle it. Go guard the entrance.”

“Yes sir.”

Leon didn’t watch the soldier leave but the heavy boots signaled his departure. Gravel shuffled in cadence with footfalls retreating outside the broken down sewer entrance they’d bunkered down in. It left the suffocating presence of Chris Redfield’s overwhelming guilt and possible looming loss. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, Leon.” Chris had his handgun out but his other hand was holding Leon’s. “You’re going to be fine.”

“I don’t want to be another loss you shut down over.” Leon couldn’t bring himself to look at him. He couldn’t stand to see those puppy dog eyes. He didn’t want to recognize that impending dread lining Chris’ face. “I can do it myself.”

“No one is doing anything right now.” Chris didn’t outright sound defeated, but he sounded uncharacteristically quiet.

Leon’s fingers attempted to grip Chris’ hand tighter but he could only manage a light squeeze. “This isn’t your fault, Chris.”

They both knew he was going to blame himself, regardless of the outcome.

“Just put a barricade up and go finish the mission.” Leon tried to sit up and fell against the bricks for his efforts. “I’ll either be recovering when you get done or I’ll need to be put down when you get back.”

“Mission is being handled.” Chris tried to reach out and help him sit up but Leon shook his head.

“Without the commanding officer.” Leon swallowed down bile; he refused to vomit a second time with Chris sitting there.

Chris nodded. “They can handle it.”

“You can’t handle this though.” Leon managed to turn his head and finally looked at Chris. “I don’t know if I can handle having to look you in the eyes if you have to put me down.”

“I can’t handle leaving you here, worrying out there if you are even going to be you when I get back.”

Leon forced his other hand to rest on top of Chris’. “You’re an idiot.”

Chris almost seemed to relax at the insult. “I love you, too, asshole.”

#chreon #Chris Redfield #Leon Kennedy #Resident Evil #Febuwhump #FebuwhumpDay11

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xsilversugar · 2 years ago

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USAmerican here and to my knowledge I've not caught it yet but I can also count on both my hands the number of times I've left my home. I moved in here the day lockdown began. I'm one of the most isolated people I know and I truly believe catching it would kill me. I did get sick for a once early on but it wasn't anything like what is described. So it's hard to tell and too many of my prior conditions line up with some of the symptoms of Long-Covid. I really need to up my boosters as I'm still only the two full shots. I keep trying to get them but I'm falling through the cracks apparently. It terrifies me and saddens me. I don't want to leave my house and when I do it never feels like a fully willful choice but a duty to others or to take care of things that otherwise can't. It's a ticking time bomb. But my anxiety might get me first. Among whatever else is going on with me now. I hate this. Truly.

People who caught it put in the tags what year it was and how bad it was and if you had any side effects

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imkattymae · 10 months ago

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Travel: Fighting jet lag.

If I look back at all the trips I’ve taken overseas, the only time I ever recall being excited is when I finally try to get to sleep the night before - I’m hopeless. It’s like my brain flicks on ‘stay awake’ mode just before I know I need to get to sleep because I have to wake up early for a flight. It’s both frustrating and very annoying! Not to mention that I’m worried about feeling jet lagged and really tired.

It’s funny; I can wake up early in the morning and be really tired but can still last the day without falling asleep.

I must say, I don’t think I’d never actually experience jet lag until I travelled on multiple flights last year over five months.

First... what is it?

Jet lag is medically referred to as desynchronises, it's a physiological condition which results from alterations to the body's circadian rhythms resulting from rapid long-distance trans meridian (east–west or west–east) travel on a jet airplane. (Wikipedia)

In regards to symptoms, apparently everyone reacts differently. If you are traveling look out for these:

Headaches, Fatigue, irregular sleeping patterns, insomnia, disorientation, mild depression

It’s said that jet lag isn’t caused by crossing the International Date Line or the length of the flight, its affected more when traveling across a number of time zones which your body clock is not in sync with, and the rhythms are different from your natural body pattern. It also depends on how quickly your body adjusts to these new schedules, so the fact that I’ve never felt like I have been affected may just be because my body adjusted quicker than most people – thank god! Sometimes I wonder if it’s more a state of mind than anything else, and people overthink it too much. But I agree with my friend, I think it’s all about common sense.

If you have experienced jet lag before and often do, here are some tips that I have found from fellow traveler blogs and friends.

Tips to help you fight Jet Lag

Avoid overeating and caffeine

OK, like me I can’t usually go a day without a cup of coffee or tea so this one is a tricky one for those who do drink a lot of caffeine. Caffeine does keep you up and awake longer, so it will be harder to try fall asleep and reduces your sleep time.

2. Don’t eat too much on the plane

I do think this should depend on how hungry you are and how long the flight is - you do have to eat. But if you do get hungry often during the flight, try and eat snacks and keep in mind that airline food is cooked at least twice because it’s almost impossible to maintain moisture at altitude.

3. Stay hydrated

The plane can get really dry and with the circulating air – quite annoying, trust me – that is why I don’t wear my contact lenses on the plane anymore. So it is important to stay hydrating during the flight, you might even want to bring a hydrating spray for our face, and moisturizer.

4. Try to avoid sleeping as soon as you arrive to your hotel

This can really push your body clock, so try and stay up until it’s actually the time to sleep at your destination. If you are really tired from traveling, take a nap – 20 minutes at most but be careful it doesn’t turn into a 3 hour one. I find that I don’t sleep straight away, even if I arrive at 8am in the morning– you have to let your body adjust to the local time so sleeping at the right time is key!

5. Limit alcohol intake on the plane

Alcohol can actually worsen the symptoms of jet lag, so try and avoid too much alcohol. If you feel that having a scotch or wine helps you sleep then that’s fine but remember alcohol can also dry you out and its worse when the cabin air dehydrates everyone – not to mention the effects of alcohol when the altitude changes. Did you know that one drink in mid-flight is the same as two or three on the ground! (I didn't know that lol)

If you really are worried, you can try taking pills like ‘No Jet Lag’ pills on Amazon.

Do you have any tips?

#travel #tips #imkattymaeblog

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theeverdream · 8 months ago

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(note: "medication" and "meds" here means stuff you use to manage physical mental and emotional health symptoms. I mean this liberally.)

I know that you might not always be able to take your meds the way you want to, be that side effects, interaction with other medication, availability, willingness of people to give you what you need, and so forth.

That sucks.

I also do know, that a lot of people - including people who are aware of this and try not to fall into this thinking - self-restrict because we think we should be able to get by without it.

And sometimes it's hard to see where the line lies.

For example, "if I have X number of pain pills, do I take it now or do I save it for worse pain later?" can become "I should be able to get through the pain without it".

"If X for my panic attacks is addictive and will become less effective if I take too much, do I take it now or not?" can become "I shouldn't be taking this when I feel this way".

Also there are other factors that can lead to the internalized ableism of telling ourselves we should be able to push through without the med.

"My mom says I shouldn't take these meds" can become "I shouldn't take these meds".

"Society looks down on addicts" can become "addicts are bad".

"These meds are expensive" can become "I'm not worth it".

For the second set of things, that's maybe another post for another time (tldr: meds are awesome and addicts aren't horrible and you are worth it and anything else that says don't take the meds, you don't have to listen)

For the first set of things, it can be so easy to blur that line when you have to be faced with hard choices!

So I'm thinking about something called, if I didn't have this hard choice, would I take the med.

I'm going to be thinking about that every time I have to make a decision on taking something or not. Because that way if I have to not take it, at least I'm asking myself about a different reality. In a way, reminding myself that I deserve symptom management, and a world where I didn't have to make those hard choices.

And then next time I made the decision, I'm probably going to be less likely to go overboard thinking well I "should" handle it without the medication.

#does this make any sense I feel this was convoluted as heck #medication #drugs #substances #symptoms #ableism #mental health #mental illness #physical health #physical illness #tedsilver

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whatissleepeven · 4 years ago

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Okay so imagine the brothers are offered back their divinity if they kill the MC. How would they react? (Oh or for more angst- get back Lilith in exchange for MC’s life?)

Ohohoho, is this angst hour I sense? Thank you for this ask, and I’m...sorry in advance for the heavy feelings-

(Me: Okay angst time, time to play the appropriate song

*begins playing Spiderman Pizza Delivery Theme*

Me: let’s begin)

Trigger Warnings: Panic Attack (Beel’s Prompt), PTSD Symptoms (Also Beel’s Prompt), Talk of Loss

----------------------------

Obey Me! Brothers’ Reactions To An Ultimatum

Lucifer

Well, he certainly does think about it.

No, not about the divinity...but about Lilith.

They could have her back in their lives? All for the price of one human?

This human, who has caused him nothing but grief and throws themselves head-first into danger.

If this was towards the beginning of the program, he’d be more inclined to take it-

But he doesn’t.

He can’t do that to you. Not you. You, who had repaired their broken family. You, who had seen all of their flaws and strengths and passions and fears and embraced them.

You, who continues to smile so brightly and say his name with utmost faith in him.

He lowers his arm. You look fearful, but...resigned. Like it will be fine, like it was okay if he killed you.

He hates it.

“Does your life matter to you that little?”

You smile sadly, and a small portion of him wants to scream. No no no, it cries out, this isn’t how you’re supposed to be! Your smiles aren’t supposed to be full of sorrow!

“Your sister meant-...means a lot to you. To all of you. Who am I to take that away, huh?”

He walks over to you, his steps measured. You close your eyes, waiting for the killing blow-

A weight settles on your head, giving it a few rubs. “You are worth more than you could ever know. Remember that.”

He continues to walk, heading out the door. A few tears drip from your face onto the floor.

He could care less about his divinity. If he had to choose here or the Celestial Realm, he’d much rather stay here. He knows, deep in his heart, that Lilith lived a long and successful life.

You, however, are irreplaceable.

Mammon

“H-Hey...ya gotta be kidding me.”

“Well?” You grin, holding your arms out. Your stance is peaceful, like all you’re asking for is a hug. But he knows better.

Divinity and Lilith? All for killing-...

For killing you?

He hates this. He hates the look in your eyes, hates the trust you’re showing him, and hates your bleeding heart that’s just waiting to be taken for granted. Hell, it already has been taken for granted.

“What do you think you’re doin’, playin’ the hero? Wanting to sacrifice yourself? You think that’ll make us happy?!” Tears gather in the corners of his eyes.

You lower your arms, shocked. “Wha-”

You let out a small oomph as he tackles you into a hug, pulling you close.

“You’re trembling, ya idiot.” He mumbles, and you feel something wet drip onto your shirt. He’s crying, you realize. He’s crying because this hurts him.

“Mammon...I-”

He pulls back to clamp his hands down onto your shoulders. “Save it!” He barks forcefully, making you blink. “Ya really thought I’d give all this up? For something that’s already happened? I like what we got goin’ here. My brothers like this life way better than the ones we had in the Celestial Realm. Everyone’s happier lately, and it’s ‘cause of you.”

The minute trembling that ran through your body before returns in full force, tears pooling forth as you grip his shirt. He pulls you back into the hug, and you feel safe. That’s right; he’s your number one protector, the Avatar of Greed.

How could you forget that?

He grins, reaching a hand up to ruffle your hair in a playful manner. You laugh thickly, your tears still falling. “You’re stuck with the Great Mammon, and don’tcha forget it!”

Because you are his priceless treasure. Not Lilith, not some stupid divinity...

You.

Leviathan

Leviathan has always been the outcast.

His passions, his fears, his confidence...All of those are wildly different from his brothers’. He’s not as close as Beel and Belphie are, or as Lucifer and Mammon are, or as Asmo and Satan are.

He’s the black sheep of the family.

“Y-You’re leaving it up to me...?”

You nod. Oh, how he wishes this was just a run-through of an anime script. You two would spend long hours into the night reading the lines and acting them out, repeating each scene until it was done flawlessly.

But reality is far too cruel.

“It’s your family. Your story. I’m just a side character, if you will.”

Your smile is cynical. He wants nothing more than to throw his spare Ruri-chan blanket around your shoulders and force you to marathon the entire series of “I Love My Best Friend But I Get Everything Back If I Kill Them...I Have A Choice To Make!”.

He takes a step forward. Then another. “You...Why would you do that?”

You laugh, a warm sound that serves to make his stomach knot with dread.

“Because I love you guys, why else?”

Silence. He doesn’t know what to say. What’s the right thing to do? What can he do, with his small confidence?

He’s struck with a memory, of the two of you gaming in his room. He had felt terrible due to his brothers critiquing his love for anime to the point he started to berate himself for it, and you merely patted his shoulder while telling him words he’d never forget.

“There’s things only you can do, Levi. So when you start to overthink...just feel, and let your body handle the rest.”

It’s time to take you up on your advice.

“Ghk-!” You stumble as he lunges at you, the both of you toppling to the floor. He’s crying, clinging to you like a lifeline.

“I-I could never kill the Henry to my Lord of Shadows...Every Lord of Shadows only has one Henry...!!”

Leviathan has always been the outcast. He still is, but when he’s with you he feels like he belongs.

Satan

“No.”

“...Huh.” You blink at him. You’re not sure if you heard him right. Did he just-...say “no”?

“No.” He says again, his eyes narrowing. “Please tell me you’re joking about this.”

Why? Why would you throw away your life like that? For their “happiness”? Give him a break.

“What do you think you’re accomplishing by doing this?” His voice starts quiet, growing in volume as he steps towards you. You backpedal, not expecting the angered response, which only serves to fuel his fury.

“Do you think it’d make us happy? Do you think we’d jump at the chance to sacrifice you for something that’s better long forgotten? Do you really think so little of us? Well? ANSWER ME!!”

You flinch as he gets in your personal space, only to freeze when arms wrap around you and squeeze you tight.

“I was born from Lucifer’s wrath, the only bona-fide demon among my other brothers. For a long time, all I knew was anger and hate,” he whispers, stubbornly refusing to look at your shocked gaze. “I began to read to learn more, to be able to feel other emotions. But the anger and hate stayed, concealed by the thin veil I constructed to make myself more likeable. More polite. More charming.”

He wanted nothing to do with Lucifer. He wanted it so bad it hurt. So he built himself a brand-new personality, becoming someone others could rely on, all so he could spite him.

And then you came along.

Your eyes water as you realize that you feel him shaking. “I never met her, you know, but I’ve seen her through his eyes. I feel his lingering pain, and sometimes it makes me want to tear my own chest out,” he says, voice wobbling. “But to ask you to do that...to give you up for something I have no right to feel upset about...it’s something I won’t do. Ever. Not when you saved me.”

You rest your hand on his back as you return the hug, a choked sob escaping you. “Satan, I-”

“You saved me.” He whispers fervently. “Do you understand? That means everything.”

You claw the back of his shirt, your breath hitching as you succumb to your tears. You both end up falling to the floor, hugging each other like your lives depend on it.

He doesn’t need divinity he’s never had. No, not when he has you.

Asmodeus

“Oh, love...you...”

He could go back? He could go back and get his little sister back?

But if he did, then you’d-...you’d...

“I know how much you miss being the Jewel of the Heavens.” You say, sitting next to him. It’s supposed to be a quiet night, one where you both relax and take care of each other, but then this opportunity appeared and-

He...didn’t know what to do.

- No, that was a lie. He knew exactly what to do. There was only ever one option for him.

“I’m hurt.”

You look over at him, surprised. His voice is small and he’s pouting, but there’s a tremble in his bottom lip as his eyes shine with unshed tears.

“I’m hurt, you know!” He repeats, and by now you’re pretty sure your mouth hangs open. “I’m hurt that you’d think so low of me!”

You scramble to explain. “Asmo, that’s not-”

“But it is!” He cries, interrupting you. “It’s exactly that! Did you think I would actually take that chance?!”

Your eyes soften. You go to place a hand on his shoulder, only to still when he slaps it away. “...Asmo.”

He throws himself at you, wrapping his arms around your neck as he clings to you. You don’t have the heart to throw him off, wrapping your own arms around him.

“We’ve come all this way because of you.” He murmurs against you. “And you’re the only one who loves me for me. Although, my looks are definitely a strong point-”

You chuckle weakly, feeling your own tears start to fall. He smiles once he hears you, happy to know that he lifted your mood even if it was just by a little.

“-if I gave you up, these past years would have been for nothing. So, no; I won’t do it. Besides, have you seen the following I have down here? I’m on my way to becoming the Jewel of Devildom!”

You move one hand to rest on his head, a warm smile spreading across your face. You don’t notice how he looks at your expression with awe and adoration, giving his head a few pats.

“I know you can do it.”

Well. With you by his side, he can do anything.

Beelzebub

This isn’t happening. This- This can’t be happening.

Not again...not again...!

He grasps his chest and stumbles back from you, and he hears the way you call his name with worry in your voice. You sound far away, he thinks to himself. Are you already dead? Where is he? Did he fail again? Is this the Celestial War? Maybe that’s why he smells iron, hears screaming, hears himself screaming. It’ll explain the pain at least, and he would chuckle if he wasn’t too busy gasping for air.

Ah, his heart feels like it’s on fire it hurts so bad. Is it tearing itself in two? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what to do...he doesn’t know who to choose-

It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. It hurts...!

“Beel, can you hear me? Take deep breaths. Okay? Please, breathe!”

- Huh?

He feels something on his face. What is that?

Oh, this warmth...It’s almost like-

Your name falls from his lips. You sigh in relief, sitting back.

“I’m glad you’re okay. How do you feel?”

How do you feel? You just said it was okay if he chose his angel status and Lilith over you, and you’re asking him how do you feel?

He lowers his hands, frowning at you. “...Why did you ask me?”

His voice is small. Fragile. Your heart breaks at the sound of it, tears building as you see his form shake.

“Why did you ask me, when the last time I did something I murdered my sister?”

You pat his arm, reaching a hand over to give him a side hug. “Remember what Lucifer said. She wasn’t murdered; she lived happily as a human, right up until she died of old age.”

All the more reason not to do it.

He sinks into your hold. You shoulder his weight with no complaints. “I can’t do it. You’re family; I-” he swallows past the lump in his throat, tears streaming down his face. “...I love you too much.”

Because he could care less about his angel status. Because Lilith already lived her life of peace. It still hurts, but you were the one to hold his hand when he had nightmares. You were the one who saw past his intimidating form and hung out with him.

You are important, and Beelzebub will take on the Celestial Realm himself if anything happened to you.

Belphegor

...He’s quiet.

Well, it’s to be expected. He hates humanity, and it’s his younger sister we’re talking about here, not to mention how close they were.

“So?” You ask as you lean back, the wall of the planetarium supporting your weight. “I don’t mind if you choose her and your status. It’s-”

“I could give a rat’s ass about my status as an angel.” He snaps. “Just shut up for a second and listen.”

You shut your mouth. What were you gonna say to that? An angry Belphie is not a Belphie to speak lightly with.

You jolt a bit as you feel hands lightly smack against your cheeks, smooshing your face. He tugs your head so that you’re staring at him, and it’s then that you notice how his eyes waver.

“I killed you,” he says, his brows furrowing, “I killed you. And yet you’d let me choose?”

You snort, raising a hand to cover his own. “Yep. Your move, Sleeping Beauty.”

He doesn’t understand. Why would you give him that power? He had robbed you from your family when he took your life. He temporarily washed out your future.

Did you really trust him that much...?

“It tore Beel and I apart when we learned she was dead. I-...I blamed myself.” He starts, and you don’t have the heart to stop him. Not when you already made peace with your end. “I started eating less, sleeping more. I despised Lucifer, and I despised all of humanity for taking my little sister away from me.”

You remained quiet. He lets out a frustrated huff, shaking you a bit.

“And then you came. You freed me from that place, you mended what was broken, and you-...you forgave me. And I will never betray that trust; not now, and not in the future.”

He bumps his forehead against yours, closing his eyes. You close yours as well, feeling the tears drip from your face and onto the floor. He’s...choosing you? Over everything he’s ever wanted?

What did you do to deserve someone like him in your life?

“So don’t you forget it, you idiot.”

#obey me shall we date #my heart tore to pieces writing this #this was wonderful to write for though thank you anon #om swd #swd om #shall we date obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me hcs #obey me headcanons

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devilyn · 4 years ago

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i told you i’ll catch you if you fall | tsukishima kei

— alexa, play: like strangers do by aj mitchell.

If you saw me on the train would you look the other way?

Like strangers do

And if you passed me on the street

Would you look down at your feet

And move on through?

Like strangers do

— synopsis: you thought tsukishima fell out of love, and he thought so too, but maybe that wasn’t exactly it.

— genre: angst lol, happy endings

— word count: 2.3k

Falling out of love is a strange thing. Tsukishima’s life was always busy, but there was always someone he could look forward to returning home to. You’d welcome him home with a bright smile and a gentle kiss on the cheek. Some nights, he’d pull you into his arms and fall asleep with his head against your chest. Others, he’d let you cuddle into his side and run his fingers through your hair as your warm breath fanned against his neck. No matter what, he was always happy just to see you.

At some point, he stopped looking forward to those things. Kisses became a chore, and he became used to sleeping with his back towards you. Dinners together were usually quiet, but now they were silent. Yet he couldn’t even find it within him to break up with you.

So you broke up with him.

“You should’ve just told me,” you told him with a teary smile. His heart squeezed in his chest at the way your voice cracked. “That you fell out of love with me.”

And he was silent. He didn’t chase after you even after you finished packing an overnight bag and left your shared apartment.

Falling out of love is a strange thing. Because Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he ever really fell out of love, or if he just should’ve tried harder to love you.

Now, he spent his rare free time sitting at the cafe the two of you used to frequent because it was close to your shared apartment. He’d order two drinks. One was his usual order. The other was yours.

He’d set your usual order across from him and gaze out the window. If he tried hard enough, he could pretend like he wasn’t sitting alone. And sometimes, when he looked over, he’d delude himself into thinking you were smiling that smile you give him that says--”I really, really love you.”

And then he’d blink, and you’d be gone.

Other times, he’d stand outside your lecture hall just to catch a glimpse of you through the tiny window in the door. He always felt like such a creep when he did that, but when his eyes trailed over your concentrated expression, his heart would skip a beat in his chest, and he’d ask himself why he ever let you leave.

Once, he gathered up the courage to send you a text, and he felt like crying for the first time when he realized you had blocked his number.

Little by little, your things were disappearing from what used to be your shared apartment. You were clever. You only stopped by when you knew he was at practice or in class so he wouldn’t ever run into you. The polaroids of the two of you that you forced him to take with you were still hanging against the bedroom wall, but the photos of you and your friends left empty spaces in the carefully planned photo grid.

Your little belongings were gone. Your skincare disappeared from the bathroom sink, and your clothes that took up half of the closet were almost completely gone. Planners, notebooks, pens, highlighters, things he had never looked at before--they were all a part of you, but they were leaving him as well.

Soon, he started to recognize the symptoms of heartbreak. His eyes began to follow you whenever he spotted your familiar figure on campus. He’d notice the small changes--you looked more tired, like you hadn’t gotten any sleep. Your usual sunny smile whenever you saw him would be replaced with a hurt expression whenever you caught his eye, and you’d hurriedly look away.

Tsukishima started to fall asleep in class. He’d never done that before, but he hadn’t been able to sleep at all, recently. Because at night, he’d lay awake and stare at the ceiling while his hand continuously came down on the space where you used to lay next to him. He started messing up at practice, to the point where his coach had to pull him aside and reprimand him to rest properly. But he couldn’t. He doesn’t think he’s slept properly since you left.

He thought he had fallen out of love with you. So why was it that he could no longer function properly without you?

“You want me to call her?” Yamaguchi asked one night while he was visiting to check in on his heartbroken best friend.

Tsukishima was silent. He’s not sure if he would feel hurt or relieved if you responded to his best friend’s calls but not his.

“...can you?” he finally asked. At this point, he had kicked his pride to the curb. He sat with his head in his hands at the dining table, his best friend standing in the doorway with a worried look in his eyes.

Yamaguchi didn’t hesitate to pull up your contact and call it before putting it on speaker. It rang once. Then twice. Three times. Then four.

And then it stopped, and the two men heard shuffling on the other side of the line.

“...Tadashi, is this about Kei?”

Tsukishima felt like he was going to collapse, even though he was already sitting. He can’t remember the last time he’s cried, but he sure felt like crying now.

Your voice sounded like home. A wave of relief washed over him, even though your voice wasn’t even directed towards him. Yamaguchi’s gaze flickered between his phone and his friend who had now buried his face into his arms.

“It is,” he answered hesitantly, “but I also wanted to check up on you. How’re you feeling?”

You were quiet for a second before responding.

“You won’t tell him if I tell you, right?”

“Nope.”

Tsukishima was surprised at how easily Yamaguchi could lie. He finally lifted his head up as the brunette took a seat next to him so he could hear your voice better.

“...in all honesty, I’ve been feeling terrible,” you laughed weakly, and Tsukishima felt like his heart was going to fail him at how much the sound hurt him. He did that to you.

“You need to take care of yourself too,” Yamaguchi responded worriedly, now concerned for both of his friends.

“Maybe,” you hummed softly. “But I’ll be alright, just check up on Kei for me, alright? He looked a little tired when I saw him on campus today.”

He almost cursed out loud. How could you still be worried about him after everything? Without knowing, Tsukishima’s hand raised to grasp at his chest, as if doing so would ease his heartache.

“Why don’t you check up on him yourself? I’m sure Tsukki would appreciate that,” Yamaguchi advised as he glanced at his friend with furrowed brows.

“Ah,” you sighed softly. “Uhm, I think...he wouldn’t want his ex to check up on him. Especially since he fell out of love with me in the first place.”

“You broke up with him, Y/N--”

“Only because he was dragging the relationship on for my sake,” you cut Yamaguchi off quickly, and the two men lifted their heads at your sharp tone. “Did he not tell you, Tadashi? About how he treated me like I was literally air in the last month of our relationship? I was invisible to him! He didn’t tell you he fell out of love?”

Tsukishima couldn’t really remember the rest of the phone call. All he remembered was how you cried despite how much Yamaguchi tried to comfort you, and all he could think was ‘I did that’. He repeated the three words like a mantra each time he remembered the way you sobbed about how much it hurt to physically watch him fall out of love with you--to watch him stop caring about you and your relationship.

“You know what’s worse, Tadashi?” you croaked out between cries. “I still love him.”

Tsukishima doesn’t remember when Yamaguchi left. Just that he did, after murmuring that the two of you should talk to sort everything out.

The blonde middle blocker laid awake that night, staring at his ceiling and smoothing his hand over the sheets where you used to be. He hurt you, and now you were hurting even more than he was. He considered himself fortunate, because at least he knew you still loved him with all of your heart, even if you went out of your way to avoid him.

But you didn’t know that. You were living with the lie that he had stopped loving you a month ago, and he needed to fix that. He needed you to know he couldn’t live without you.

So as the sun slowly began to peek through his curtains, Tsukishima sat up and resolved that he was going to talk to you today, whether you liked it or not.

Which is why he was now standing outside your lecture hall, gazing as your exhausted eyes flicked from your screen to your professor as you tried to diligently take notes. Even now, he couldn’t help but think you were beautiful.

He snapped back into reality when a student obstructed his field of vision to exit the crowded lecture hall. Using his height to his advantage, he peered over the line of tired university students to watch you pack up your bag and join the patient line waiting to leave.

The moment your eyes locked with his, your shoulders slumped, as if you had expected this to happen eventually. Instead of filing out of the building like everyone else, you exited the crowd and stepped in front of him. And he inhaled your familiar scent for the first time in what felt like years, but was only really a few weeks.

“Were you waiting for me?” you asked quietly with a weak smile.

The question was a familiar one. So he smiled sadly back, reaching forward to gently cup your cheeks.

“...yeah. Thought we could talk at our cafe.”

“Our cafe? I thought only I used to call it that.” you teased lightly, and Tsukishima felt himself relax at your familiar, lighthearted tone.

“I got into the habit of calling it that too,” he murmured as he held his hand out to you. “After you left.”

Your playful smile faded as you slipped your hand into his. His fingers laced easily with yours, and he brought your hands to his lips so he could press a soft kiss to your knuckles. Your brows furrowed immediately as he savored the feeling of your hand in his and his lips against your skin.

“Kei--”

“Let’s go,” he cut you off purposefully, and you stared up at him before sighing and nodding.

Admittedly, he realized he didn’t have much of a plan as he sat down and placed your usual order in front of you. His long fingers wrapped around the warm cup and slowly brought it up to his lips.

“You really shouldn’t give me false hope like this,” you spoke quietly, gaze focused on the people passing by outside the window. As if you couldn’t even look at him.

“I’m sorry,” he started, and your eyes quickly turned back to him. You were surprised. “I’m sorry--I should’ve told you that I never really fell out of love.”

“Kei,” you furrowed your brows and tilted your head. Frustration. He recognized your habits. “If you were still in love with me, you sure didn’t act like it.”

“That’s why I’m sorry,” he cringed slightly. His pride was surely injured, but it was faring better than his heart. “I thought I fell out of love. I really did. But then you left, and I realized...it was never you.”

His hand reached across the table to take yours into his again. His thumb brushed over your knuckles, and he watched the way your expression softened at the simple gesture.

“I was tired, and took it out on you. I didn’t know how to balance everything, and I thought that if I cut you out of the equation, it’d solve everything,” he admitted quietly. “But turns out, you were a necessary variable to make the equation work.”

“Are you really equating me to a math equation, Kei?” you asked exasperatedly, and he chuckled. “Right now, of all times?”

“Maybe,” he mused.

“You’re the worst,” you retaliated quickly with narrowed eyes, and he smiled--a genuine one. Probably the first one in months.

“And you love me,” he responded. He watched you hesitate before nodding slowly.

“...I do. But it doesn’t make our relationship any easier,” your gaze turned down to his thumb, still brushing slowly over your knuckles. “You can’t just ignore me whenever things get hard. You have to tell me what you’re thinking--I can’t read minds, Kei.”

“If I promise, will you move back in tonight?” he paused before continuing, “...I can’t sleep without you.”

Your expression morphed into one of pure love, and your free hand reached across the table to gently cup his cheek. Your thumb slid under his lenses to brush over the dark bags under his eyes, and he leaned into your touch.

“...sure. If you promise.”

“Then I promise,” he answered quickly, and you laughed. He watched you with awe, taking in the way the corner of your eyes crinkled as you giggled and how your eyes shimmered with stars he couldn’t find anywhere else.

He didn't care if you were in public anymore--he could no longer resist.

He leaned across the table and kissed you softly, pouring every ounce of his love into your lips. You melted against him, and reciprocated by doing the same.

When he pulled back, you were smiling, and he was sure he’s never seen anything so beautiful in his life before.

“...I love you,” he whispered. “Sorry it took so long.”

“I love you too,” you responded with those familiar stars shimmering in your eyes.

He knew then, that he’d spend every day proving his love for you. And he’d never stop trying.

#tsukishima kei #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu scenario #tsukishima kei imagines #tsukishima kei imagine #tsukishima kei angst #tsukishima kei scenarios #tsukishima kei x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst

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andreafmn · 4 years ago

Text

Collision - Chapter 4

Word Count: 3,821

Characters: Female Reader Uley Character, Sam Uley, Allison Uley, Charlie Swan, Bella Swan, Seth Clearwater, Billy Black, Jacob Black, Emily Young, Paul Lahote, Harry and Sue Clearwater, Leah Clearwater

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

*DISCLAIMER* I do not own in any way Twilight, all credits of the pre-established characters, script, and storyline belong to Stephanie Meyer and Summit Entertainment. The only thing I own is Uley Reader insert, any upcoming characters, and her storyline, as well as her effects in the others’ story line.

Chapter: 4/?

A/N: Don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but the story takes place before New Moon but after Twilight. It starts at the end of May after the dance, so it’d be the summer before Bella’s birthday in September. If you enjoy my writing I’ll also be posting them in AO3 and Wattpad along with other stories (I also hope to start taking requests if ya’ll want) Hope you enjoy and all constructive criticism is encouraged.

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Chapter 4

The next time she awoke she was back in sight of the blinding hospital lights. Her head was heavily pounding and the clothes on her body felt alien to her. Her eyes struggled to adjust to the white lights of the sanitized room, but they were suddenly off.

“Back again, Miss Uley?” She recognized the voice, Dr. Cullen. “I’ve already turned the lights off so don’t worry about that.”

Her eyes finally opened to reveal the smooth pale face of the doctor. A wave of calmness rushed over her as soon as her eyes connected with his golden ones.

“What can I say?” She chuckled. “I just couldn’t stay away.”

“Well, it seems you’ve been having a recurring headache, insomnia, memory lapses, and a lack of appetite. It looks like post-concussive syndrome. Your mom told us you were feeling like this for a few days, why didn’t you come back?” Carlisle questioned. He was trying his best to look like he was breathing but if he took even a single breath all his years of self-control would be over in an instant.

“I thought if I could just make it to at least seven days it could clear me from coming back to the hospital, at least as a patient.”

“What do you mean?” This comment had perked the interest of the man. Thoughts raced through his head faster than he could analyze them.

“I was thinking of applying for a medical assistant job here in the hospital. I recently got my degree in biology, and I’ve been thinking of going to medical school after.”

“That sounds like a plan, but let’s work on getting you better first.” It did sound like a good plan to Carlisle. He wanted to be as close as possible to her every single day, but it also meant he would have to work triple as hard to control his thirst. “We’d like to keep you for the next few days and make sure you’re in good health before you can go back to business as usual.”

“How long would a few days be?”

“About four to five days, just to make sure that the symptoms don’t worsen, and we can give you an all-clear.” It would also give him a few days to grow accustomed to her smell. “We can work over that application for medical assistant, make sure it’s something you want to do.”

“Yeah, that’d be great.” She smiled at the man in front of her, her heart fluttering with every breath she took. “Thank you, Dr. Cullen.”

“Please, call me Carlisle,” he smiled. “Now, why don’t you continue resting, and whatever you need just call. My office is right down the hall, I’ll be here in no time.”

The girl stared at the retreating form of his body and covered the heat that was rising to her face with her pillow. The butterflies in her stomach had made her uneasy and had her hands shaking. She didn’t understand why she was feeling this way. It had only been a week since her first encounter with the doctor, but those few seconds were enough to have her drooling over the man like a lovesick schoolgirl.

A few days had come and gone quickly. (Y/N) had grown attached to Carlisle, seeing and talking to him every day had felt like a dream. In his free time, she would go over to his office and pick a book to read, which they talked about the next day. They spent hours talking about nothing and everything.

It had been a long time since Carlisle had felt this way, centuries. Being around her had gotten easier each day that passed. Her smell becoming comforting instead of a trigger to the endless hunger for human blood – he’d never had a simple drop of it, but nothing could explain how much he wanted to have hers. Getting to know her had been a welcomed activity by the young doctor. He could spend days upon days listening to the sweet sound of her voice, admiring her curious-filled face when she started a new book – which she read swiftly, taking only a couple of hours to finish most of them.

“Can’t believe you have so many first editions, and you leave them at work.” She ran her hand across the spine of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment. “I would keep them in a well-preserved chamber, and no one would be able to even breathe on them.”

Carlisle smiled as the girl gawked once again at his book collection. It wasn’t hard to acquire first edition novels when you were alive when they were published. “If you’re impressed by this collection, you’d be completely astonished by the one I have back home.”

“You have more?!” He nodded. The girl shined like a kid on Christmas, her eyes gleaming at the thought of a big library. “Oh, that sounds like a dream.”

“You’re more than welcome to come over any time. It’s always refreshing to meet a literature aficionado such as myself.”

“Really? That’d be amazing!” She grinned brightly. “I could spend all day reading, forget about work.”

The duo laughed. “Too late to withdraw the application but you’re always welcome to pass your downtime in my office.”

“Sounds like a plan,’’ she smiled. “Now, doctor, what will you ever do now that I’m not going to be here every day?”

“Oh, how will I ever go on?” He chuckled. “But if you ever need help during that time, just come by. My office is always open. And hopefully, you’ll visit from time to time on personal time.”

“I’m sure it’s something that can be arranged.”

If there was still blood rushing through his veins, the capillaries in his face would have widened. He felt like he now understood Edward; how being with her made him feel human again. And there was nothing more that he wanted than to take their friendship to another level, but he wasn’t sure if she would ever feel the same. Carlisle knew that she was unaware of the supernatural since (Y/N) had allowed him to be in her life. But what would happen once she knew everything? How could he ever come between her and her family?

“Miss Uley, your mother is here,” a nurse spoke up, peeking her head through the office door. “Discharge papers have already been filed.”

“Thank you, Nurse Dalen. She’ll be out in a moment.” Carlisle smiled.

“Well, the time has come.” (Y/N) took her phone out of her back pocket and handed it to the doctor. He looked at her with a question-ridden gaze. “I’m gonna need your phone number so we can arrange any future endeavors.”

“Right,” he laughed, typing his number into her directory. “I’ll be waiting for that call.”

“I’ll be making it soon enough,” she grinned. “I’m gonna go now. I’ll see you around, Cullen.”

“I’ll see you, Uley.”

She left the office with a huge smile on her face, holding her phone close to her chest. For the first time, she was experiencing something she had heard of most of her teenage years. Once she had met Carlisle all she wanted to do was get to know him better, spend her time with him, just being near him would suffice. It was the first time she was learning what falling for someone was, and even though it was scary, she was jumping in headfirst.

“Hi, honey. Ready to go home?” Allison hugged her daughter for the first time in five days. (Y/N) nodded, truly ready to finally sleep on her own bed.

“So, how are you liking Dr. Cullen?”

“MOM!” Allison laughed at her daughter’s reaction. It was easy to see that (Y/N) had taken a liking to Carlisle Cullen, and vice versa.

“What, darling? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.”

“It’s not like that, mom.”

“But you’d like it to be like that.”

“I’m not talking about that with my mother.” (Y/N) placed her cold hands on her cheeks, trying to cool down the warm blood that had rushed onto her cheeks. The cool air of the car’s A/C was only helping her so much.

“I just want you to be careful with that, honey. He’s older than you, technically has kids, and rumor has it he is married.”

A breath hitched in her throat. Married? She knew he had adopted five kids, most of them her age, but not that he was married. Had she read the situation wrong? He didn’t wear a ring, he didn’t mention any relationship, he had no pictures of a woman in his office. Then again, they had only spent five days together at the hospital. She didn’t know what he did when he went home at night, who he went home to at night. (Y/N) shouldn’t feel betrayed—they weren’t anything, and they weren’t on track to become anything.

“Don’t worry, mom. I’ve just been picking his brain about working in the hospital, and he’s been helping me with what I’m gonna be doing this summer.”

“Oh, have you decided what you want to do?”

“I’m gonna get my medical assistant certification. It’s a three-month course then I can work at the hospital.”

“That’s great, honey.” Allison smiled at her daughter from the driver’s side. “Is that where you’d see yourself making a career?”

“Not sure. I want to take this time to see if life in a hospital is truly where I’d like to work – see if medical school would be it for me.”

(Y/N) hadn’t taken the time to focus on her future. In her high school career, she spent her time focusing on the present and piling on as much as she could, and now she had no sense of direction. She would take every day as it came, hoping one day she would find her purpose.

Finally, back home, she hopped off the truck and stretched out her limbs, stiff from the days on a hospital bed. Taking a deep breath of fresh air and basking in the afternoon sun. The cold that had seeped into her bones from the hospital melted off, and she smiled feeling the warmth surround her.

“Why don’t you go upstairs, honey?” Allison told her daughter. “There’s a surprise waiting for you in your room.”

(Y/N) smiled and quickly made her way up the stairs to see what her mom meant. Opening the door, tears forming in her eyes. Her room had done a 180-degree turn. The walls had been painted a light beige color, and plants hung from the walls bringing warmth to the room. The bed was adorned with a white cover, and a fluffy duvet to keep her warm at night. A wooden frame sat atop the bed dressed in white linen and ivy vines. A bookcase lived in the corner of her room, filled to the brim with her collection of hardbacks and peppered with potted plants. Opposite the bed was a small desk with a dark green suede chair, her laptop set up in the workspace. Her room finally felt like hers.

“Do you like it, honey?”

“Mom, did you do this?”

“I wish I could take credit, but your brother and your friend Paul came over when I was at work and redecorated. I was actually surprised that they even came over.”

“I’ll have to thank them,” (Y/N) grinned. Even though their relationship was strained at the moment, and she had yet to see Paul since coming back, she was glad that they had taken time out of their days to do this for her. “I’ll go over to Sam’s house for a bit, maybe now he’ll have time to see me.”

“Why don’t you go tomorrow, honey? You should take it easy.”

“I feel a lot better, mom. You don’t have to worry too much.”

“I’m your mother, I’ll always worry. If you’re gonna go out, go see Jacob. He was really worried about you.”

“I will.”

(Y/N) kissed her mother’s cheek and grabbed her bag to head out. Her first stop was to the Black residence. Jacob saw her coming down the street and ran out to wrap her in a hug. When she collapsed last week, he had been very concerned when she collapsed in his garage. Jacob was glad that she had made a full recovery and was now back home, with minimum side effects showing. The visit was short, only a quick hello to ensure the boy that she was okay.

After spending some time with Jacob, she walked towards Sam’s house – she hoped to catch Paul there too since she had heard he now spent his time there alongside Jared Cameron. It hadn’t clicked in her head why Paul would ever hang out with her brother and Jared. Even when they were back in middle school, he never paid them any mind, having a separate friend group. She had only become his friend by spending time with him away from school, and her brother had always disliked them together, claiming he was a bad influence.

Outside of the small house, (Y/N) could hear the low chatter of manly voices, a higher-pitched one joining after. There was no mistaking that Sam was home. She started feeling nervous as she raised her hand to knock on the door. The shaky limb was able to make contact with the blue door twice before it opened wide open, revealing a shirtless Paul Lahote.

“(Y/N)?” He questioned. Paul knew she was back, but Sam had given him clear instructions to stay away from her due to their situation.

“Hey, Paul. Long time no see, huh?” The girl smiled at her friend that now towered over her. A few years ago, they were still of the same stature, but too much time had passed since then. She went in for a hug, and Paul cut it short – worried she might note his burning temperature. “Is Sam home?”

“Uh, yeah.” He scratched the back of his neck, turning towards the kitchen. “Sam! (Y/N)’s here.”

The older male appeared in front of them, a soft smile playing on his lips. “Hey, (Y/N). Good to see you’re doing better. What brings you around?”

“I just wanted to thank you both for what you did in my room. Mom told me you worked on it while we were away. It’s a dream.” Sam smiled at his younger sister and shared a hug with the smaller girl.

“I’m glad you liked it, (Y/N). We wanted to give you a place where you could rest better after the accident. It’s the least we could do.” The alpha could hear the duo that was left in the kitchen had grown curious about who was at the door. “Do you want to come in for a bit?”

“Are you really inviting me in?” (Y/N) was taken aback – the last thing she thought was that she would get that invitation.

“Yeah, there’s someone I want you to meet,” Sam responded, keeping his doubts of the encounter to himself.

(Y/N) walked through the threshold and instantly felt the warm aura that emanated from inside of the house. It was a welcoming environment that she had grown to love from her own mother’s house. She walked behind Sam, Paul following behind them. `There was nothing that could prepare her to the sight she was met with.

In front of her stood a beautiful woman. She had tan skin, long black hair, and a beautiful smile. But there was something that stood out to her, something she was sure stood out to everyone – three long gashes ran through the front of her face. Yet, they didn’t distract from the alluring atmosphere that surrounded her. Sam moved to her side, and (Y/N) quickly connected the dots and figured that was Emily Young. The Uley girl wanted to be indifferent to her presence, knowing how one of her friends had been hurt by the union in front of her, she couldn’t help but note the love that radiated from the pair. It had been a long time since she had seen her brother as happy as he looked as he stared at his fiancé.

“(Y/N), it’s an honor to finally meet you.” Emily stretched out her hand towards the girl, which (Y/N) gladly took. “Sam has told me so much about you.”

“I wish I could say the same,” (Y/N) joked. “Hopefully, we’ll have a chance to get to know each other more. I’d love to get to know the woman my brother is set to marry.”

“I’m sure we’ll have enough time now that you’re back.” Emily smiled and grabbed a basket filled with muffins, offering them to the girl. (Y/N) gladly took the baked good in her hand, picking at it and placing the piece in her mouth – a wonderful taste that quickly melted in her mouth. “You’re welcome over any time. Any family of Sam is family to me.”

“Thank you, Emily. I’ll be sure to take you up on that.”

Not much time passed before Sam had cut the meeting short, claiming there was something important the duo had to do. “We should do this another time, (Y/N). Paul and I have to go.”

“Go where?” (Y/N) questioned. “It’s already night, not much to do.”

“I can’t really tell you, sis. But it’s important.”

“So still guarding secrets?” Sam shrugged. “It’s fine, Sam. I’m growing used to it.”

“(Y/N)…”

“I can take a hint, Sam. I know when I’m not wanted,” (Y/N) smiled. “Thank you for the muffins, Emily. They were divine. I’ll be sure to take you up on that offer and visit sometime soon.”

“Of course, (Y/N). I’m sorry we had to cut this short.”

“It’s okay. I’ll see you guys.” (Y/N) took her bag and exited the house. She was confused on why Sam had welcomed her in only to have her leave soon after – there was something big he was hiding, and she needed to find out what it was.

“(Y/N), wait up!” Paul jogged up to her, turning her around. “Look, I hope you understand that we’re not trying to push you away on purpose. There are things that Sam is protecting you from.”

“Like what, Paul? What danger could possibly be surrounding us that he would stray from his family?”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not my place to tell you, (Y/N). As much as I hate keeping this from you, Sam would not allow it to come from anyone but himself.”

“Are you serious? What kind of power does he have over you?”

“PAUL!” Sam shouted, gaining the attention of his beta. “Let’s go.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I hope one day you’ll forgive us.” Paul kissed her forehead and went to meet up with his alpha.

(Y/N) stood still as she watched their bodies disappear into the woods. She debated whether to follow them for a brief second, but she was exhausted. She left back home with a million questions running through her head. The pair of Sam and Paul was a strange view, and she was determined to get to the bottom of things.

When she got home, (Y/N) noticed her mother asleep on the couch, the tv in front of her still playing. The years that passed were clear on her face, the worry that she carried for both her children plastered in the lines of her face. She could see the exhaustion that she held, years of caring for two kids by herself taking a toll on her. (Y/N) grabbed a blanket and laid it on top of her mother’s body, making sure that she was warm during the night. She left a kiss on her cheek, thankful for everything her mother had sacrificed for her.

After showering the day off, (Y/N) changed into her pajamas and laid in bed staring at her phone’s screen. She thought if she stared at it long enough a message would magically pop up. Minutes passed and her phone kept silent, not a single notification appearing on the screen. She scrolled through her directory until it landed on the newest listing. Carlisle Cullen, it read. Her finger clicked on it and selected new message.

Her fingers danced atop the keyboard of her phone, no words coming to her mind to send to the doctor. Should she even send him a message? What if he truly was married? She would never want to come between a couple. But her fingers did not follow her thought train. Unconsciously, they started typing away a message and before she could analyze her actions, she sent the message.

Hi, Carlisle. It’s (Y/N). I made it home okay and don’t have any symptoms, seems like you fixed me up! Anyways, wanted to know if you possibly had some free time this weekend to join me for some dinner at La Bella Italia. Hope you had a good rest of the day at work!

Her jaw fell when her screen read message sent. There was no way to delete it now. It was out there, and it would make its way to his phone. (Y/N)’s head fell onto her pillow and muffled a scream that escaped from her throat. This feeling was alien to her, and she was learning what steps to take to grow closer to the astonishing man. Minutes felt like an eternity to (Y/N), thinking that she had imploded the friendship she had built with the man over the past week.

Beep.

The sound from her phone caught her attention. She scrambled for her phone and quietly shrieked at the words on her screen.

Hello, (Y/N). I’m glad you’re feeling better, hopefully, no symptoms will arise once more. And I did have a good day at work, although I missed our afternoon book chats. I have a free day on Sunday. Tell me a time and I can meet you in Port Angeles. Hope that day is good for you.

“He said yes. If he were actually married, he wouldn’t have said yes,” she thought.

So, she typed back.

I’m glad you had a good day, and the book chats have an easy fix. I’m just a phone call away. As for Sunday, it’s a perfect day. I think around 5:30 would be a good time for dinner. Let me know if it works.

Sent.

Seconds later, another beep.

I’ll make sure to schedule those calls then. 5:30 sounds perfect. I’ll see you there. Have a good night, (Y/N).

See you then, Carlisle. Good night. 😊

(Y/N) smiled at her phone, joy wanting to burst from her body. She was reveling in this new feeling and the happiness it brought her. If it was Carlisle, it was worth it, she believed.

That night she went to sleep with the biggest smile she had experienced in her life. Unbeknownst to the life-changing moments that were to follow this meeting.

Tag List: @daniallh @catchmeupimgettingoutofhere @imaginetwilight2704 @jessicas-undrground @hey-you-therexo @mauvette268 @mxyee @beefwhobarksandisalilmadalot

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