#i do also know that a number of my symptoms do fall in line with a number of cluster b and c shit
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sighing-and-all · 2 years ago
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i thjnk im going to explode
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centrally-unplanned · 9 months ago
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Saw this really cool post of a 1982 "SF" (Science fiction but in Japan that included things like anime, manga, tokusatsu, etc at the time) magazine that did a survey of active fan groups/circles at the time - ~woo, precious data! Lets see what we got:
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Love to see a good gender breakdown - as is often the case in these things, while it is of course majority men the number of women participating is very strong. You do notice the age imbalance there - many women in their teens and college-aged, but it drops off quickly. I suspect that this is primarily because this survey is right in the middle of the first wave of the "pop SF boom", where more approachable works like Gundam and new manga subgenres were rapidly growing the community. So the older cadre was more heavily men, while the new group is more balanced. However, this is the early 1980's - it might just be that when a woman graduates college she was expected to marry and "settle down" still, inhibiting participation in these kinds of groups. I think it is primarily the former, Japan had pretty rapidly changed in the 1970's and female creative types were commonplace by then, but I won't pretend the latter players no role.
The writing on this page just contextualizes the piece, not much to report, though it does note that "3 people replied 'other' for gender...as a joke!" Sure, jan!
Anyway, on to page 2, what is our poll question of the day...
ロリコンについてどう思いますか? What do you think about lolicon?
....*siiiiiighs* guys I didn't, I didn't look at the second page before typing this up! I just wanted to report the gender data! This just happens to me, I swear -_-
But I can't back out now I guess:
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It actually splits the question by gender - men are asked "are you a lolicon" while women are asked "what do you think of guys who are lolicon" - sexists, way to erase the female lolicon. Not actually joking there, it is a quite a thing due to its overlap with rape and dubcon fetishes - but I won't pretend I have expertise on the prevalence of that in 1982 Japan's SF community, even if it you see it today. Anyway, most men are not lolicons (the tallest line), though others fall on a spectrum from interested to "graduated", certainly a choice of words one could make.
Funnily a good dozen say they are called that by others, but not themselves - I believe that is related to the vague line between loli & shoujo aesthetics at the time. Which is important to emphasize, as I always do on this topic - sometimes the word lolicon just means "youthful" or "cute", sometimes it means like high schoolers, and sometimes it means real-deal underage stuff, and you won't know without context.
Meanwhile two women label lolicon men as "cute!", good for those two living their truth, while others are broadly tolerant but have Opinions. Which is fun, because the rest of the page is people sharing said opinions, sorted into "good" or "bad"! Some choice ones:
★ It's a symptom of modern civilization’s sick parts, but also an inevitable phenomenon. It’s better than having a rabbit or cat complex. Don’t lay hands on young girls. Lolicon must remain platonic. (♂/19/)
You see this theme a bit, "symptom of modernity", the new sexual fetishes are a product of a changing world. Certainly up for debate, but also very "in vogue" for the 80's & 90's to worry about that sort of declinist narrative. Then again, guy is a catgirl and bunnygirl hater, not sure we should listen to their shit taste.
On the flip side you get the "natural way of things" types, of which this is my favourite:
★ There’s nothing abnormal about having a dream involving an uncontrollable urge towards pre-teens. Even Romeo and Juliet would have made Romeo a lolicon given Juliet’s age (14), but people don’t think of it that way. Only at that age can girls love and respect men without ulterior motives. (♂/19/)
That last line, you are telling me so much about you with that one!! You can see how this is discourse, right? Like if one side says you are a "symptom of modernity" you ofc respond with "this is how all guys are" and with callbacks to traditional culture.
The "bad" side has a lot of ruthless condemnation, with more than one call for the lolicons to simply die or labelling them worthless scum. The magazine's writers do try to keep the tone breezy but I do think this topic being actually contentious in the community pokes through here. Though this serious one really did undercut herself a bit at the end:
★ I can understand why one person of the same gender might feel admiration or affection for a child or young girl, but for a man to only be able to love much younger women? That’s a mental illness! If they aren’t willing to fix themselves, they might as well die. They’re enemies of women. It's not going to turn out like Nabokov's Lolita. (♀/20s/)
I mean they did also kill jesus Humbert Humbert in Lolita. that was a pretty significant thing that happened. like i understand where you’re coming from here but they very much did kill the Lolita guy.
There is an editorial at the end, and it echoes something one of the comments also states; that the lolicon boom was seen as coming from "hard" SF fans, the people who did the really nerdy stuff. There is a word they use actually which is neat: 根暗/Nekura, meaning someone with a "gloomy root". It began seeing use as a slang for hyper-serious, boorish people in the late 1970's and became a fad to use in precisely 1982 - here is a live record of that! They associate "hard SF" fans with these sort of gloomy types who can't take a joke or appreciate hanging out with the buds at a bar, that kind of thing. From there, and here I am reading between the lines, these fans like a sort of "idealistically sterile" world, and lolicon as a preference (in comparison to Real Adult Women) flows naturally.
I mention this because astute readers might be going "oh, like otaku?" and that word was only just buzzing around at this time - it is typically dated to 1983. The editorial writers note that these nekura-types are nowadays proud of that fact, wearing it like an identity:
A: I’m not really sure why, I don’t fully understand the inner workings of the SF world, but it’s like, out there, hardcore SF fans are considered gloomy. Maybe that’s why there’s this connection to lolicon? B: But surprisingly, everyone’s actually pretty cheerful. In today’s world, the 'dark and gloomy tribe' is trendy. It’s like they’re enjoying calling themselves gloomy, almost as a fashion statement.
So yeah, I can totally see proto-otaku discourse going on at the edges here.
There is a third page but it continues in a similar vein. A bunch of mentions of Hideo Azuma, who I am growing increasingly convinced was more of a lodestone for the lolicon boom than is currently appreciated - he is the ur-reference everyone makes. More discussion of girls in sailor uniforms as a gateway drug, yeah yeah, "is fine as long as its fiction", of course of course, one of the magazine editors remarking he wants "a wife for practical uses but a daughter as a pet" yeah okay we can call it we're done here, no more survey data anyway.
Not the topic I expected to find, but still this is really valuable "primary source data" - you can't trust the literary class fully on these things, having first hand quotes from community members on otaku culture in the era is always valuable.
Sorry if you got tricked into reading this - in my defense I did too!
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neixins · 4 months ago
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idk if you have already made a post about this but could you please elaborate on your hc that gija has pots id love to hear more about it
ngl i was just gonna sprinkle the headcanon into my fic and let that speak for itself because i didn’t think anyone would care about it, but now that u asked…. (smiles beatifically) <3
first, i wanna note that i actually headcanon gija as having both pots and heds, and i’m fully basing this on my own experiences so i’m gonna talk about both conditions in a more rambly manner instead of going through a checklist of symptoms or smth like that. i’ll do my best to keep it somewhat organized though!! also i gotta put this thing under the cut because i ended up having. so much to say
starting with the most obvious: gija faints A Lot. like i didn’t crunch the numbers on this or anything but i feel reasonably confident claiming that he’s shown feeling faint or fully passing out more often than anyone else in the series. just off the top of my head, there’s chapters 16, 18, 41, 95/96, 143, 147 (and given how badly injured he is during the xing arc, i wouldn’t be surprised if he lost consciousness off-page too), 182… and obviously many of these instances occur when he’s injured/exhausted, but the others get hurt and push themselves too hard as well and they’re not fainting nearly as often.
the author’s note in ch 116 and the fanbook both point out that he’s not good at pacing himself and that he has a tendency to pass out, and the former also mentions that dragon warriors are often sickly (historical fantasy speak for disabled) as a result of their powers. also, on that note, both pots and heds can be caused by physical trauma, like let’s say, getting slashed by your deadbeat father’s dragon claws as an infant perhaps…. but let’s put a pin in that for now!
gija’s stamina is notably Bad, as jaeha points out in ch 95 (jaeha why are u paying such close attention to another man’s stamina? 🤔 anyway, gija’s also the first to fall ill in that chapter, which points to him having a weaker immune system), and gija himself says in ch 18 that he’s not especially strong, with the obvious exception of his dragon arm, and the thing is. he cares so so so much about being useful so admitting to something like that, especially so early in the series, really stuck out to me. his stats in the fanbook also support this. aside from his arm strength, all his other stats related to physical strength are average and lower than the other dragon warriors’ and hak’s. zeno’s partially an exception for obvious reasons but here are the stats for arm strength, leg strength, and stamina, respectively (the fanbook includes other fun stats too but those aren’t relevant rn): gija ∞/3/3; hak 5/5/5; jaeha 5/∞/4; sinha 4/4/4; zeno 1/2/∞. gija’s stats are actually closer to yona’s (2/3/3) and su-won’s (who is notably Canonically Disabled; 4/3/3).
the endnotes in vol 43 also mention that he has fairly small wrists which. is just so very heds-coded of him if i do say so myself. (side note no.1: and all of this is why i’ve been saying that after losing his dragon arm, gija should learn to use a knife!!! it’s a light weapon, he’s already used to close combat, AND it would be a chance to deliver on the “let’s train your left hand” line because while jaeha primarily uses throwing knives, he does appear to carry other types of knives too which means he knows how to use them!! kusanagi if u can hear me……)
let’s go back to the fainting for a bit, because i really want to focus on the moments in chapters 41 and 143 since those don’t have an overt trigger like, say, ch 147 where all of the dragon warriors faint from burning up too much energy, but i find them very interesting. in ch 41, gija’s the only one to pass out after taking the love potion, and he in general has a stronger reaction to it (like yeah gija blushes easily but he looks downright feverish after taking it), which to me points to the love potion triggering a flareup (which is kinda funny considering his comment in ch 16 about how his granny and the other villagers kept him from getting sick. put a pin in that as well btw). as for ch 143, yes he’s already injured at that point, but he literally stands up, exerts what should not be excessive amounts of energy by his own standards, and almost immediately gets dizzy and at the very least gets close to fainting (though i’m inclined to think he did actually faint considering how jaeha’s holding him up a few panels later). (side note no.2: if u pay close attention, the blocking in that scene implies that he stumbled back towards jaeha to lean on him before fainting. love is real <3)
also everyone should know by now that i have never and will never buy into the whole gija has/had a crush on yona interpretation (on account of the blatant homosexuality on display whenever he’s on page. and also the age gap. and also their interactions simply don’t read that way to me. he’s ride-or-die for her gbf style <3) so the jokes like the one in ch 52 about his heart hurting genuinely just read like tachycardia to me. i’m willing to accept that the dragon blood is a factor but. that’s just tachycardia. someone please make him sit down.
some other observations:
he’s the only one shown to get dizzy from tracking the other dragons (ch 26. which to be fair is partially jaeha’s fault, but jaeha’s also implied to be using the same ability to keep track of the other dragons and he isn’t affected).
in ch 155 his neck is still visibly bruised, while we don’t see any injuries on jaeha, even though they both sustained similar injuries from the same weapon at the same time, and delayed wound healing is common with eds.
this is more of a silly observation but in ch 19 he falls asleep sitting with his knees pulled up and all i can say is. so real so true.
he’s a total lightweight and a picky eater, which i get is supposed to portray how sheltered he was (though there’s no way there was no alcohol at those feasts he mentions…) but it could also be a result of intolerance to alcohol and certain foods that trigger flareups (it could also be a texture thing).
he looks incredibly exhausted for a portion of the hot springs chapter. like i know he’s being tormented by The Spider but he looks Unwell…. speaking of hot springs, hot baths/showers generally make pots worse but it depends on the person so gija enjoying hot springs doesn’t necessarily go against my headcanon. but i am jealous of him.
now back to those pins!! my interpretation is that gija probably started experiencing symptoms at a very young age, to the point where he wouldn’t really think to bring it up to his granny or anyone else because he wouldn’t think it was a big deal. also, lest we forget, gija doesn’t take his own wellbeing especially seriously, and he’s way more inclined to act like a dying dog when he’s not feeling well instead of drawing attention to himself and worrying or inconveniencing anyone. but it’s also possible that everyone in his village was aware of it, which would add an extra element to how much they dote on him; i’m just leaning more towards the former option because i think gija would be more aware of his limits if he had a gaggle of village elders constantly warning him not to overexert himself. and the “kept me from getting sick” line to me feels like it’s referring to acute illnesses, which, yeah i can totally buy that he didn’t get sick much in that sense, considering how dedicated everyone was to looking after him.
the final thing i wanna say is that i find his dragon arm to be such an effective metaphor for hypermobility because like. yeah he can do cool shit with it but it also impacts his health, which mirrors the sort of cool-party-trick/yeowch double-edged sword of hypermobility.
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media-illiterate · 2 years ago
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PSYKER HEADCANONS: FREE TO A GOOD HOME!
I wrote these out a while ago for my own use, and never posted them. But, as some people expressed interest, HERE THEY ARE! I'm gonna put them below a read more, because there's a lot of them. I have more on other psychic weirdness that I might post if people are interested in these.
(A reminder: Psykers are canon. There were psykers in fallout 1.)
Psykers - who often refer to themselves as Gifted - are individuals with strange powers and abilities – gifts* – that defy rational scientific explanation. Although they existed in small numbers before the war, psykers have become much more common since the bombs fell.
Psykers are fairly rare. Generally there's only a handful of psykers in any given geographic area, and they tend to stay on the move for their own safety. Many hide their nature for fear of being captured for study by high-tech groups such as the BOS or the Institute. 
Gifts broadly fall into two categories: Projective and Receptive. Projective gifts include things that have external effects, like telekinesis, telepathy, pyrokinesis, etcetera. Receptive gifts are more internal, like precognition, psi-empathy, etc. Some gifts, like dream-walking and bio-pk, straddle the line.
Psykers typically have a mix of projective and receptive gifts, but usually with a stronger affinity for one than the other. Really powerful projectives tend to have minor receptive gifts, and visa-versa. Being a psyker does come with free ESP, though.
Most psykers acknowledge that the sources and natures of their gifts are extremely varied: prenatal exposure to FEV and/or radiation, extended parental contact with psi-phenomena, genetics, and simple random mutation are all common explanations of a psyker’s origin.
Many psyker’s gifts are latent/dormant, and the individual doesn’t consciously experience anything unusual. Latent gifts can awaken any number of ways, with physical or mental trauma and exposure to psychic phenomena being common triggers. For some, it seems truly random.
Overusing a gift causes “Burnout”. Symptoms vary widely; sudden change in blood pressure,  heart rate, and body temperature are common, with purely neurological symptoms being rare but not unknown. Burnout can be deadly if a gift is pushed too far, especially for very strong psykers.
Receptive psykers are notably more common than projective psykers. Pykers with powerful projective gifts are rarer, and tend to be significantly more vulnerable to fatal burnout, but are not so rare as to be surprising. (I.E. How many serious athletes do you know?)
Receptive psykers are also more prone to advertise their gift (usually in return for caps) due to their intangible and thus easily dismissable nature. Projective types tend to be quiet about their Gifts for their own peace and safety, though some revel in the fear and awe they invoke.
Psykers tend to have really intense eyes, regardless of color. A psyker making eye contact tends to feel noticeably more… direct than normal. Especially if said psyker has psi-empathy or telepathy, in which case it can feel downright intrusive, like they’re inside your head.
Non-psykers can usually sense the use of a psyker’s gift indirectly. Someone standing near a telekinetic might feel their hair stand on end, while someone near a precognitive might feel watched. Regardless, strong gifts create a strong sensation of power and tension when in use. 
Psykers stand out to other psykers. When they get close enough they can just feel them on the edge of their perception: more there than everyone else, almost like they’re backlit. Distance varies with sensitivity, but two psykers would usually sense one other across a crowded street.
Psykers have an aura, influenced by their powers and personalities, visible to other psykers when they use their abilities, as well as in dreams. Psykers can also literally sense what other psykers are doing with their powers, especially projective gifts.
Extended contact (physical or mental) with a Psyker (especially one with poor control) or any class of psychic presence can result in… weirdness. This effect is typically non-physical, involving things like accidental dreamwalking and development of low-level esp. Often called “Uncanny” by true psykers, these individuals occupy a strange place between the mundane and the preternatural.
There are only two instances of Psyker powers being successfully suppressed, neither of which has proven replicable: Jack Cabot’s Abramelin-Field and the Master’s Psychic Nullifier. These methods were either developed by a psyker (the Master) or by an individual directly influenced by one (Cabot).
Only one Nullifier still exists, currently in possession of a psyker known as “the Forecaster” in the Mojave wasteland. Its development was possible only due to the Master’s inhuman intellect and innate Gifts; all attempts by the Vault dweller to even comprehend the mechanisms underlying the device’s operation ultimately failed, and the Brotherhood couldn’t find empirical evidence that it did anything at all.
Jack Cabot’s Abramelin-Field is only applicable to one entity: his father Lorenzo Cabot… or the entity inhabiting his body, at least. Although the field causes distress in other psykers (feelings of being smothered/blinded) it doesn’t stop them from using their powers. Jack’s studies have suggested it only suppresses his father’s connection to the crown rather than impacting its powers directly.
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justanotherpersonsuniverse · 10 months ago
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Part One
Hey Cap!!
I hope your doing well <3
Sorry this took so long! Due to how long PN is there’s a chance I won’t go as in depth with each chapter as usual, there is, however, every chance I’ll ignore that and go crazy. We shall see what happens! (spoiler, i ignored it0
Chapters covered: Origins (1), and Origins (2)
Questions are numbered and in bold. 
Onto the insanity! 
[— — —]
It’s always very nostalgic to go back to the start :3 
You’ve obviously improved leaps and bounds in writing so it is in a noticeably different style at the start but it’s still fantastic. 
The first line just highlights that this won’t be the usual story falling into tropes and using cliches as a crutch for everything. I think it’s fantastic. I’m not sure whether it was intentional, but the fact that it focuses on the mundane and says “But this wasn’t the story she’d chosen to be in. This was simply one she was a part of.” is just- perfect. 
For Juleka and the story you tell as a whole. Like, yes, the superhero and magical aspect is essential for the framework of the story, but unlike usual it is not glorified or the most important thing to Juleka. 
Idk man I just love it :)) Especially because Juleka already sidelines herself in her own story. I love the way that she isn’t aware that she is the main character in like her own life? She idolises ladybug and believes she blends into the background and just- she doesn’t believe she is a focal point for anyone. Until she gets to be Panthera of course. 
Don’t worry, I’ll go into her relationship with her own identity, i just think I should move onto actually commenting on the current story rather than rambling on :3
I do like how Luka and Anarka are mentioned immediately, it excellently shows how she lives and who’s important to her in a natural way. 
I think the only other long haul fic I’ve read (not written by you, Cap) which focussed on Juleka was Powers of Invisibility by yestomiraculous, and as much as I adore it even that sometimes felt like it was more a vehicle to talk about other characters? 
Question 1: I’ve kinda just assumed you’ve read Powers of Invisibility, but I’m curious if you actually have? The way you write Juleka is very fun, but I’m curious if you have any fics you’ve pulled inspiration from for that too )
Whether it was a symptom of Juleka at heart being someone who observes rather than interjects or because that was the intention I don’t know. What I’m getting at is that I think you balance Juleka’s character really bloody well in this. Yes, she constantly feels invisible and is critical of herself and is observant, but she also has her own stuff going on? 
Whenever it does feel like Juleka is just floating, observing other people feels very intentional, like in princess prom when she just watches Adam dance with Rose. Sorry I will go on a lot of tangents in this i have so many thoughts on Panthera, ranging from the intricacies to the plot at large. 
Oh I love that we see Marinette and Fu nearly getting run over from Juleka’s perspective, the way that her guilt about freezing up and not helping pushes her later? Amazing. Plus, how much her internal monologue over analyses things and assumes the worst is so much fun. 
AAAA YOU BASTARD. Sorry, what I meant to say was; Of course you managed to have Juleka put Marinette on a pedestal in the first chapter. “Juleka could only see Marinette as incredible brave, a hero.” toxic yuri ladynoire is one of my favourite things about this fic, but I never realised you’d established it right at the start!! 
Of course she immediately turned to criticising herself Juleka girly please. There is this thing called the bystander effect I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it-
The way that she has unrealistic expectations of perfection for herself while simultaneously believing she is not worthy of so much… we love a contradictory character. 
Fits for a cat tbh, they’re contrarian. Everyone (minus Adama (and Roger) think Juleka is like so nice and lovely and yet-
I need to stop going on a rant or i’ll never finish this. 
Help not the way Juleka was all doom and gloom but as soon as she spoke to Rose she was like “oh hey maybe today won’t suck” 
Love the little POV change to briefly show why Adrien doesn’t choose to help Fu, I’ve always liked that. Even though it’s simple it’s better than leaving us to wonder what changed. 
Adore that the main thing she mentions about Adrien is a) he’s shorter than expected, and b) she admires him because she also wants to be a model. 
Not the way you contrasted Adrien and Juleka here, Adrien quickly forgot about Fu being collapsed on the pavement but Juleka is being consumed by it. 
Tidbit of Chloe being a better person in this story, I do like that Juleka acknowledges what she’s seeing (Chloe being nervously protective of Adrien) and then dismisses it to fit the narrative of what she knows.
Here he is! Stoneheart! I do like how Juleka obviously does think it’s a little bit cool but is also in a right panic about everyone being safe. 
Question 2: Does Luka go to school? Like. i don’t think he does in the show it’s a bit unclear, it doesn’t matter anyway. I'm curious about what his deal is in Panthera.
Yippee!! Juleka saves Fu!! And will becoming irrevocably traumatised due to this!!
Question 3: If this isn’t too spoilery, what is Fu’s method for choosing miraculous holders? Is it literally just playing the good samaritan story from the bible or is there more behind the scenes for who he targets? (and why is it always a teenager??) 
I can’t tell if Fu actually didn’t notice Juleka not helping before or if he just says that to make her feel better. However, Juleka apologising to a stranger because she feels it’s morally wrong not to even though she struggled to speak to a long time classmate? Love it. 
I LOVE ANARKA MY SILLY. I READ OUT HER LINES ALOUD YIPPEE
Question 4: Do you remember why you chose to give Anarka a scottish accent? If so, what where your reasons and was it this was from the start?
First; cute that Juleka and Rose texted to check on each other (and that she’s Rose <3 in her contacts), second; Rose you neek why are you stuttering over text. I can’t remember if we ever get shown what Rose has Juleka as in her contacts but i’m sure it’s something sickeningly sweet. 
Juleka would chicken out about sending a heart. Tbh i find that so funny cause I do the same thing about crushes but to my friends I send <3 and call them silly names all the time it’s prolly more noticeable not to lmao
Plagg!! Stinky cheese cat!! He’s such a good character in this fr, he’s a good balance of a menace while also acting as a wonderful friend, confidant, and guiding figure for Juleka
Plagg is so overwhelming for realsies, you can’t just drop that you had blackbeard as a pirate. He’s such an interesting person in history but now all I can imagine is a pirate hat with cat ears while his suit makes it look like his beards on fire. Kinda want to see that design now… that’d go hard. 
Tbh if i was told by some alien looking cat that i was about to be a superhero i’d freak out too, there are so many unknown variables fr
THIS IS SO MUCH PRESSURE TO PUT ON A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. WHY AREN’T ADULTS DOING THIS. 
Juleka and her saviours complex are great and all but the poor thing doesn’t need all that. 
The fact that she continues just to everyone and her brother but not because she wants this… i do love that that’s a consistent thing for her characterisation you usually see the hero character wanting to do it for them instead of solely focussing on the safety of others? Idk i’m explaining this badly but I like her motivations fr
I’ll forever be mad about the unbalanced abilities in miraculous, i’m so glad you gave the black cat another ability to at least match the amount given to the ladybug but it’s just such a frustrating part of the show. 
WHOOO FIRST APPEARANCE OF PANTHERA
The masking and inferiority complex towards herself go crazy fr. Ah, ye old Panthera design I thank it for its service of inspiring this whole fic but I will always love your new designs for any and all miraculous heroes Cap they go so hard. 
No way she calls Ladybug familiar- 
Question 5: How does the glamour situation work over in PN? Like, we see Juleka break through it to figure out Marinette, but we are also currently watching her fight with it about knowing who Rena Rouge is. If it’s not in spoiler territory I’d love to know some of the inner workings :3 
Love how self conscious Marinette is at first and how Juleka is the one directing the conversation (and the way she is freaking out about doing it she’s so real). The dichotomy of how they both see each other as the collected trustworthy superhero while never mentioning it goes crazy. 
I believe you write from Marinette’s POv a couple times but i’m not sure, the fact that she sees Panthera as the put together one goes crazy��
The way that Juleka calls Ladybug partner throughout the story… it’s perfect i love it. And that Marinette calls her kitty, oh oh!! New question. 
Question 6: Ladynoire obviously does not happen in this, but both in universe it has been hinted at (the date and Marinette saying “we just speedran dating” that line lives in my head rent free) and in asks you’ve said the story could have gone that way. What I’m getting at is; did Marinette ever have a crush on Panthera (knowingly or not) and would you be willing to briefly get into that here? 
I will always go crazy over Juleka being the bouncy enthusiastic one when transformed, you’ve said it was originally a joke and then you realised how sad it could get and I’m SO glad you went the sad route. Lighthearted ladynoire vibes in the season one rewrite will always be so cute to read back though
The way Juleka keeps freaking out internally over athletic feats is so good, i love this aspect we get in writing which you can’t really get in tv shows without a super imposed internal monologue which feels unnatural most of the time.
RAAA THE WAY YOU EMPHASISE THAT BOTH SUPERHEROS ARE ESSENTIAL IN THE FIRST FIGHT IS SO GOOD
Juleka freaking out about hissing and being smarmy and all that is so much fun to read. 
Juleka saying “We’re fucked” after seeing the scuba suit is iconic. She has literally zero faith at the start-
No!!! I get so sad when Juleka spirals while Ladybug is getting questioned by Alya about everything. So glad you made her also ask Juleka questions fr.
YOO?? I was going to bring up how she hadn’t referred to herself as Panthera once during this but she did at the end there after she had been validated by an outside source (alya being curious). Obviously she refers to Panthera as a separate entity even in her head later on, which makes me crazy but we’ll get there when we get there but I’ll totally pay attention to whether she’s calling herself Juleka or Panthera and in what situation she’s doing that in. 
It’s a small detail but i’ve found those fun to play around with in writing. 
HEY HANG ON HEYHEYEHYE
NO YOU DIDN’T OMG
Ok so i never registered that you wrote “This wasn’t just superheroes and villains. This was more, she could feel it. She could only ask. What’s going on…” and like?? This is such a huge thing Juleka focusses on in this? 
Like how she takes their work seriously in a different way to Marinette because she sees it as a genuine threat both during the akuma and out of it because of how emotions are targeted and how she resorts to simple violence whereas Marinette will use a complex plan. This is like tangentially related to how Marinette has her black and white thinking vibes (superheros and villains) while Juleka just sees people, people in different situations and how that changes her perception of their actions and-
Sorry i’m not sure if all this makes sense i just kinda went crazy. 
[— — —]
Second chapter!!
I do enjoy how Juleka almost told Ladybug to use the cure but social anxiety-d her way out of it. Hammering home her regret by giving Luka a hidden sprained leg is devious. I like him in this btw he’s just a silly guy who is essential to Juleka’s mental health and has his own stuff going on :3
Plagg not getting much Camembert in this is so tragic for him, the fact that he accepts string cheese from Juleka anyway just proves he’s a softie fr
I do love how we just get told in show that the Couffaines live on a boat and that Anarka acts like a pirate and we just. Get no further explanation. I like to think it’s something about dodging taxes
Plagg encouraging Juleka to be a model just so she can fund his fondness for Camembert- 
For some reason it’s that which made me think about how insane it would be for Juleka to balance a job on top of all this. Plus I feel like she’d totally end up with a Model Juleka mask too furthering her identity crisis stuff
I like how you had someone mention a family member being hospitalised by Stoneheart, sometimes it feels like the impact of being the first Akuma (and the only one which wasn’t cured) isn’t given enough attention. 
The fact that Ivan went to school the day after is insane fr but it needs to happen for the plot. 
People gotta be proper scared of him cause as far as they’re aware he is the villain.
Hey I’ve just realised that Juleka starts her whole “understanding the motivation for an Akuma can be the key to helping the person” thing right here when she goes up to talk to Ivan, that’s awesome I never made that connection before
Alya explaining that she just couldn’t think of a blog name including both of the heroes is a good detail, I know it was just a symptom of Ladybug being the protagonist in MLB but it was still a bit weird it was just called the ladyblog
I like that Chloe has a reason why she’s being a bitch; Stoneheart broke Roger’s arm so she’s getting back at him for that. Well, it doesn’t excuse how she approached it but a reason is better than an unprompted attack
Annnnd Panthera’s back woop!!
Hmm, you wrote “Juleka’s ears perked up as she heard Chloe’s shrill voice scream.” and it got me wondering;
Question 7: Do the miraculous give other abilities other than elevated strength, endurance, reflexes, and magical stuff? Like can Juleka hear stuff better when transformed? Or another example would be having better night vision? If so would these side effects continue into her untransformed self? As I know you’ve said her ‘claws’ and ‘slitted eyes’ and all that described when not transformed is actually just her being an unreliable narrator but side effects are always cool :3
Tbh the fact that an Akuma just multiplies when it’s not purified is insane like why the fuck does it do that? This isn’t an actual question, but it’s so crazy to me that if they missed literally any other Akuma they could’ve had like three million Dark Cupid’s running amuck.
Roger sucks man, why did he want to shoot at the Akuma holding a civilian??
Juleka not even registering how right after she’d ‘realised’ that she wasn’t cut out for hero work she reassured Ladybug for feeling the exact same way is so her. Like girl why are you allowed to have self doubt but no one else is??
Panthera’s speech about how they can do it… amazing moment. I’m sure Marinette was so very straight and normal about it whenever she thinks back to it. 
Ladybug this is a terrible plan. Her plans are always crazy. The fact that they work is even more crazy. I can’t wait to see whatever you replace Reflecta Two with and see Julekas lucky charm leading to incredible violence or a therapy session (there’s no in between) while Marinette just gapes in the background. 
“Another dream would be modeling.. But she could never do that.. If heroism was her path, she wouldn’t regret it.” JULEKA YOU ARE FALLING OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER GET IT TOGETHER 
And. hm. I don’t think Juleka ever regrets heroism but she definitely doesn’t like it much. The whole people being in danger and constantly having to fight and put herself in danger bit I mean, not the saving people bit.
Also i think this is a badass scene even though Juleka is ruminating as she falls from a great height lmao, the imagery of her diving after the Akuma and everything is so wonderful :3
Real of Ivan to question why they know his name. Marinette sucks at pretending she doesn’t know people fr
“I should keep the hair off my face.. Maybe I’ll be less recognizable.” Girl you're not Clark Kent the only reason no one knows is because of the glamour fr. but also. She kinda would be unrecognisable wouldn’t she.
Hang on. 
Question 8: So, before Juleka finds out Ladybug’s identity, it is hinted at that she will through multiple instances of her being “familiar” or knowing something she shouldn’t. Has Rose ever felt the same way about Panthera? As in; “She feels familiar, like I know her…” or is this spoilers? You know I’ll always be rabid for hints at a reveal between them, or anyone outside of Luka and Anarka finding out.
RAHHH JUST AS I SAY THAT JULEKA ASKS IF SHE SHOULD TELL ROSE AT SOME POINT I FORGOR THIS HAPPENED
YGBF4HNIRJECUDWOMSQIK
Sorry
Oh you’ll tell her when you defeat him will you?? Cap I won’t survive. I’ll simply be deceased. I must see the aftermath of the reveal. So much happened between Rose and Panthera and it reveals a whole side of Juleka she kept secret and-
There is simply too much opportunity to make it upsetting for you to pass up. Not that I think Rose would, idk, cast Juleka aside for her dishonesty or something equally dramatic, but the feelings!! They’ll be so big and she’ll have so many questions!!
Juleka is literally so loyal girl what “I trust ladybug” YOU JUST MET HER!! I love it but also girl! Trust yourself some more! Actually if she did at this point it’d feel out of character (i think her beef with master fu is one of the only examples her trusting her gut) 
Fr i can’t wait for Panthera to not defer to Ladybug or disagree in season 4 i’m actually going to go insane when that happens. In my live reaction to that chapter i’ll literally decompose or something.
I LOVE THE IMAGERY AT THE END. BTW. PUSHING HER HAIR BACK OVER HER EYES BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHO SHE IS. IT MAKES ME CRAZY. 
[— — —]
P.S. I’ve been smiling the whole time reading this, just thinking about reading more and getting to my favourite moment’s is making me all giddy, thank you for sharing your stories Cap they’re fantastic and you’re incredible for writing them :3
P.P.S. For some reason this one is about 1.5 times the length of the last one?? idk why, new enemy; consistency.
YAHHH IM SO EXCITED TO GET YOUR REVIEWS OKAY QUESTION TIME
Question 1: Yes I have! There's scenes in Panthera that are like directly inspired by the fic, esp in chapter 1, but I've since edited these scenes to make them less like the scenes from Powers of Invisibility. Its such a good fic, and really got me into Juleka, and I re-read it often to kinda get into her vibe of as a person.
THE TOXIC LADYNOIRE YURI WASNT INTENTIONAL FROM THE START BUT MAN WAS IT ALWAYS DOOMED TO HAPPEN <3 its almost meta
Im glad you enjoyed Adrien! I always wanna make sure he's not forgotten. I want him to still be the guy who could've been Chat Noir yknow!
Question 2: When writing this my idea was that Luka was homeschooled because they couldn't afford sending them both to school, and he rather had Juleka go to school than him. But in one of the episodes it was implied he Did go to school just a different one. So, Im not sure anymore tbh
Question 3: He's running by good samaritan laws and also magical vibes. Sometimes souls are just a bit more attuned to magic. Also he chooses young people because while adults who pick up miraculouses will have an easier time from the start, children can adapt and grow even more powerful over the course of many years. This is morally pretty bad, but he was also chosen as a child so the trauma clouds his views a bit.
Question 4: Her english va speaks with a weird fucked up mix of a scottish and pirate accent in the show and I think theres a scottish flag on the Liberty!
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Found it!
Juleka's decision to be a hero being stemmed entirely on the safety of her loved ones was always a key part of her I always found intentional. Despite her lack of self preservation in the thick of things, I imagine she just tries to avoid things from the start? This scene was edited a while back from Luka actually being seen injured by Juleka on tv to something more believable- which is the current version you most likely read.
Question 5: The Ladybug and Cat miraculous are always drawn to each other. I imagine throughout history, they were always forced to be enemies of some kind or as separate as possible due to how powerful this draw was. Juleka's also already very attached to Marinette, so it was a funky mix that kinda pushed that recognition. So while Juleka is close to Alya (somewhat) that's not enough to carry her past through that thick layer of glamour. (Doesn't help that Alya's got the illusion miraculous too!)
Also; I like to imagine that if Luka can magically hear what people's hearts sound like, Juleka has that but for her eyes. It's a, Hear no Evil, See no Evil thing- that I may explore later. Look man, Anarka's ancestors were probably on some shot.
Question 6: It's hard to put it but, it's less of a crush and more... these two love each other so much in every way but it's also never gonna be explicitly canon. It's muddled with a lot of other feelings so it's just never on their mind and it gets very chaotic. Marinette has considered a crush on Panthera but she waves it off as crazy every time I think.
IM SO GLAD YOU READ INTO THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JULEKA AND MARINETTE. It's so fun.
-
Chapter two! Absolutely its about dodging taxes. Fun fact; I've found that camembert is actually not that expensive. But I imagine the kind Plagg likes is.
Question 7: They do! Alya's glamour is stronger than average and she and Juleka have better night vision, a sense of hearing, and smell. Of course there's unreliable narrator stuff, but I do imagine Juleka's nails are much stronger now.
ALSO RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT?? ITS INSANE THAT THAT CAN JUST OCCUR. THE AKUMA MULTIPLICATION THING. THEY NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY.
Also for sure Juleka hates heroism. It's her new curse. But she's got a duty to fulfill with it. She treats it like an unpaid 9-5
Question 8: Absolutely has Rose felt those feelings! It probably fueled her crush on Panthera a lot! But the glamour worked just too perfectly on her, poor thing. Power of love ain't enough.
Im glad you enjoyed re-reading Panthera! It's the hardest thing to do for me lol but the idea that the start can still bring joy to people makes me really happy. Cheers!
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hiiragi7 · 2 years ago
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Honestly, it's talked about a lot just how rigidly medical many anti-endo spaces are, but I don't think it's talked about nearly enough how pro-endo spaces often fall into the exact same rhetoric. In fact, I have seen many pro-endos who push for even more strict medicalization than anti-endos do with regards to CDDs.
I cannot count the amount of times I have seen a pro-endo system say "I cannot have DID because I did not experience this specific type of severe abuse" or "I cannot have DID because my trauma didn't happen before the age of 9" or "I cannot have DID because I can still function fairly well in my daily life".
By making statements about what kind of trauma needs to happen, or quoting rigid age ranges for DID, or drawing lines in the sand at how disabled you need to be in order for it to count as "disordered enough" to be DID, pro-endos very much frequently fall into the exact same arguing points as anti-endos in order to seperate themselves from DID even if they claim to be against and mock the strict medicalization of DID often seen in anti-endo circles.
Despite claiming all the time that the rules are not as rigid as anti-endos make them out to be, pro-endos still often view DID as something "other" and create similar strict rules and binaries surrounding DID. It's especially prominent in systems who call themselves OSDD, who view OSDD as "less bad DID" and so cling to the OSDD label when their symptoms actually align more with DID. The lines they draw between OSDD and DID very often just show a lack of understanding of what DID's diagnostic criteria actually describes based on their own misconceptions about what DID is, which tends to be very narrow and specific. (Not to say everyone with OSDD is actually DID, of course, but it is a much higher number than people are really comfortable talking about.)
A lot of the time, this is very heavily related to downplaying symptoms as well as misinformation about what DID is. However, when downplaying is related to trauma, it is also a massive issue that the pro-endo community largely does not know what trauma is, either. Similar strict binaries and rules that people make about DID are also applied to the concept of trauma as a whole; especially when trauma has been so discoursified and used as an arguing point to harm endogenic systems, many systems are not comfortable talking about trauma at all.
We see this not only as it relates to dissociative disorders (ex., "Emotional neglect isn't enough to cause DID, you have to have been physically or sexually abused and I wasn't so I cannot have DID") but also as it relates to origins, particularly with things like traumagenic vs. stressgenic. Many pro-endos have very extreme ideas about what counts as trauma, and so do not believe they are traumatized if whatever their idea of "severe abuse" is was not present. Many who were abused in less overt ways or who dealt with trauma that was not related to abuse (ex., chronic stress, major surgeries, or natural disasters) tend to believe they are endogenic and non-disordered because they do not fit the picture of "trauma survivor" they have stereotyped in their head.
A lot of systems also have very narrow ideas of what a trauma response looks like, and believe it only ever looks like classic PTSD symptoms. If they do not have PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks or nightmares, there is a tendency to say "I am not traumatized".
Pro-endo spaces absolutely need to become more comfortable discussing and sharing information on disorder and trauma, because the current lack of knowledge is depressing at best and a barrier to recovery for many systems at worst. I do feel that syscourse has definitely worsened a lot of the pro-endo community's avoidance of discussing trauma and dissociation and the push to seperate experiences into anything except "traumagenic DID", though I do also feel it's related to unchecked trauma responses and internalized ableism as well. There's a lot of nuance and complexities to be found there, and this isn't a problem that can be solved overnight, but I do believe it can get better.
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thoselethalarts · 24 days ago
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Inhuman Characteristics
I saw this post floating around on my feed, and thought it would be fun to explore questions like that with regards to my more inhuman TWST OC cast members~
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○ What does their skin feel like?
In his human form, he feels the same as a normal human, though his resting skin temperature usually feels colder than a normal human's (98.6°F for a human, 94.6°F for him). In his daemonic form his skin feels velvety soft, with hardened carapace plates lining his spine and sternum area of his chest.
○ What do they eat?
Matt feeds off the emotional release of his victims. He can extract this emotional essence forcefully, along with trace amounts of their soul essence, but he prefers to absorb this release passively to prolong the lifespan of his victim and thus continuously feed from them for much longer. He can technically feed of any emotional release, happiness, sadness, anger, love, but he's got a taste for one emotion more than others: fear. His Father noted that this is an immature trait to have, as compared to other emotions fear is more sweet and decadent. For them, it's the equivalent of someone saying that candy is one of their favorite foods.
Matt can technically still eat human food, but it doesn't provide the same nourishment that he needs to thrive as a living being. In human cuisine one of Matt's favorite foods is chocolate.
○ How long do they need to sleep?
Technically speaking, Matt doesn't have a biological need to sleep. He can stay up for years without resting while not exhibiting any signs of fatigue. However, he does sometimes like to sleep as it gives him a chance to shut his senses down and let his mind rest.
○ How were they born?
Matt was born from a concentration of pure eldritch life energy somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of what's now called Brazil, at some point between 1500-500 BCE. After a several century long incubation period, he awoke in the oceanic void and swam to the nearest shore. The indigenous life in this area were the first humans he'd ever interacted with, and are where he first learned how to speak.
○ What colour is their blood?
Oil black, dark but with a faintly iridescent sheen in the right lighting.
○ How long is their average life span?
Technically speaking Matt could life forever, as long as he's able to feed off enough living beings to satisfy his body's needs. For his age he only needs about 1-2 human-level intelligence victims in order to stay healthy, but as he ages that number will increase exponentially until he'll require the energy of an entire planet, or several planets' worth of victims in order to stay healthy. If he fails to meet his body's needs, he'll start to fall into atrophy and will exhibit more obvious physical symptoms of aging.
○ Do they have a culture for their species?
None that he's aware of. His species only consists of him and his Father, and since he was completely disconnected from his Father for most of his life, there is no culture they have that he knows of, other than to Kill, Consume, Reproduce, and Spread his influence across the multiverse.
○ Do they have family?
Not anymore. Matt (and Marcus) murdered his Father, Lord Za’lgatoth N’gaphandel the Immortal God of Chaos, in an attempt to keep him from bringing about the end of all time.
Technically speaking, Matt and Vantablack are distant blood cousins. The Entity was spawned from Lord Za’lgatoth, but due to the way their species reproduces, every next generation can be considered a new species of their own from the effects of eldritch genetic scrambling and recomposition. Neither of them know know they're technically related.
○ Do they have more or less senses than a human?
Matt has the same basic senses as a human, but he also has two additional senses: Darksense and Empathysense (Emotion Detection). He can sense the presence of all living things in a radius around him if they walk through any nearby shadows that his body is connected to. He can also sense the emotional wavelengths of all living creatures nearby him.
○ What is their best sense? Is this normal for the species?
His best sense is his empathysense, to a degree that it can overwhelm him if he's in too poor of a state of mind. His sense is typical for his species, but his sensitivity to it fluctuates with his mood.
○ Are they religious or spiritual?
He believes in the existence of various eldritch entities that are intertwined throughout the fabric of the multiverse, who exist as the embodiment of abstract concepts that are forever true within every timeline. He's come in contact with multiple of these entities, which further cements his faith in this belief.
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○ What does their skin feel like?
His skin feels the same as any normal human's, with large amounts of fur-like body hair on his back, chest, and legs. His normal resting body temperature is slightly higher than a normal human's (around 100.0°F).
○ What do they eat?
Meat. He's a carnivorous creature, and eating too many non-meat products upsets his stomach. He's technically lactose intolerant, but his favorite food is still all-meat pizza. He cannot digest onions, grapes, chocolate, avocado, alcohol, or artificial sweeteners, as they make him very sick.
○ How long do they need to sleep?
He needs to sleep for about the same amount as a normal human does, but he likes to break up his rest periods throughout the day, like how a cat does.
○ How were they born?
He was born as an ordinary kitten from an ordinary feral cat, was adopted by a human and lovingly cared for most of his life. Due to living in an area that had a naturally high concentration of magical energy, when he was 10 years old his tail split in two and he was "reborn" as a nekomata.
○ What colour is their blood?
Red, the same as a normal living creature.
○ How long is their average life span?
Nekomata lifespans can span as long as 400-600 years, though there are legends of nekomatas living for over 1000 years. Phobos is younger than 100 years old, though he lost track of exactly how old he was after his 35th birthday.
○ Do they have a culture for their species?
Nekomata are mostly solitary creatures that live their long-extended lives seeking entertainment and pleasure in any forms that they can. They usually hold great disdain for humans, looking down on them and holding them with no higher regard than a pest or common housepet. Local culture varies depending on their environment, from having strictly defined colony territories, social hierarchies, and turf wars (a la Warrior Cats), to being more loosely defined and dog-eat-dog in terms of who is respected and who is stepped on.
○ Do they have family?
Phobos doesn't know what happened to his mother or other littermates. His only family that he's known for most of his life is that of his caretaker, Theodore Banner, but Theodore is no longer alive, so Phobos now has no one.
○ Do they have more or less senses than a human?
He has the same basic senses of a human, but he also has a heightened sense of vision that allows him to see glimpses of normally invisible forces in the world around him, like magic, ghosts, and demonic energy.
○ What is their best sense? Is this normal for the species?
His best sense is his sense of smell, though his sense of hearing is also incredibly keen as well. This is typical of cats.
○ Are they religious or spiritual?
Phobos is deeply spiritual, though he doesn't talk about it much. He believes that all living things have some kind of soul-like essence within them. He doesn't follow any specific god or deity, but doesn't necessarily believe they don't exist, either. He holds a deep disdain for humans because he feels they're the reason that nature is disintegrating around him.
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○ What does their skin feel like?
In their human form their skin feels about the same as a normal human's, but noticeably softer than a human's skin should be. Their resting body temperature is much warmer than a human's (98.6F for humans, 101.5°F for them). In their natural form their skin feels silken smooth, like satin. The quills that grow along their shoulders and back feel rough in comparison, like brushing your hand the wrong way across a strip of velvet.
○ What do they eat?
They are a sort of "emotional vampire" who feeds off the soul essence of their victims. To feed, they physically subdue their victim, then use their powers to incapacitate them and forcefully absorb trace amounts of their life force and memories from their body. Their victim is left comatose for an indeterminate time period afterwards (depends on how much energy and how many memories were stolen from them).
Vantablack can technically still eat human food, but it doesn't provide the same nourishment that they need to thrive as a living being. Their favorite foods are sour and salty, like salt and vinegar chips or dill pickles.
○ How long do they need to sleep?
Technically speaking, Vantablack doesn't have a biological need to sleep, but they enjoy sleeping so they do it anyway just to "take a break" from existing. Their biological clock is almost nonexistent, so they're prone to oversleeping.
○ How were they born?
Vantablack was born from a concentration of pure eldritch life energy in an area known only as The Dark Lake, deep in the heart of The Fog. After several centuries of incubation, they emerged from the lake and crawled ashore, learning how to walk, how to hunt, and how to mimic nearby life.
○ What colour is their blood?
Pearlescent white. For their species, the color of their blood darkens as they age. Eventually, their blood will turn into a vibrant orange color, and then it'll shift into a deep oil black.
○ How long is their average life span?
Similarly to Matt, Vantablack has the capacity to live forever as long as they are able to meet their body's basic energy needs. Vantablack has no concept of how old they are in human time, as The Fog is a bit of a time vortex. They could be anywhere from 20-125 years of age at minimum, but they couldn't tell you what the exact number is. Maturity-wise, for their species, they are considered a young adult.
○ Do they have a culture for their species?
They were only able to grow so close to their Mother/Father before they escaped Her realm, so their only sense of "culture" is a desire to emulate Her actions, but to do it better than She ever could.
Entityspawn live with the desire to create and nurture their own pocket dimension, which they call their "realm". This realm is one of the primary sources of entertainment for the entityspawn, as they nurture and care for the realm like a twisted living terrarium. This realm is also a primary source of their nutrition, as the creatures that they collect to supplement their realm have their life force slowly drained to feed their "caretaker". It's common for entityspawn to turn their realms into games of endless life-or-death, pitting their creatures against each other for their own pleasure. The creatures that die have part of their life energy harvested as punishment for their failure, and they are then brought back to life to continue the game over and over again. Entityspawn take pride in their longest living and most powerful "killers" and "survivors" that they've raised as part of their realm, and they judge each other based on how large their realms are, how long they've lasted, how complex they are, and how many living creatures are currently part of their realms.
○ Do they have family?
Their closest blood relative is a creature known only as The Entity. They have respect for The Entity, but mostly feel ambivalent toward Her existence. There is a part of them that wishes they could have learned more about their species before they left the realm, but at the same time they felt so stifled in how they were able to live that they resent Her for treating them the way She did.
Technically speaking, Vantablack and Matt are distant blood cousins. The Entity was spawned from Lord Za’lgatoth, but due to the way their species reproduces, every next generation can be considered a new species of their own from the effects of eldritch genetic scrambling and recomposition. Neither of them know know they're technically related.
○ Do they have more or less senses than a human?
They have all the typical senses of a normal human, but they also have a sixth sense called the Killer Instinct. Whenever they are locked in a chase with their prey and they get particularly excited, they can sense where their victim is even if they are hidden entirely out of sight.
○ What is their best sense? Is this normal for the species?
Their best sense is their sense of vision. Under specific circumstances, they can see the physical shape of their victim as a pulsing white aura, even through walls and across great distances. This is normal for their species, and this ability will grow stronger as they grow older and their native power levels increase.
○ Are they religious or spiritual?
They don't believe in any kind of god or deity, but instead want to become a god.
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bitchkay · 11 months ago
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Dancing in the dark♡
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~Rio Voleri
CW: fluff, ur pregnant again sry😬 rio can't keep his hands off you, fem reader, miss reader can sing🎤���🎶, rio got a little beard♡, rio says an innuendo guys😳, yall are so in love you're a little bit stupid🤕, this takes place during your third pregnancy but you're not incredibly far along (but showing) so Genesis isn't in the picture at this point, falling in love by cigarettes after sex♡, gets suggestive at the end
Word count: 1536
Rating: Teen and up audiences
Note: my Google search history probably thinks I'm pregnant with how much I've been researching about pregnancy, what's generally normal, what's considered high risk/low risk, symptoms, side effects, baby's, growing infants/toddler, baby development, hormones and mood swings and other stuff like that, I love doing research for stuff like this though I like knowing things plus I wanna be accurate, and it's kinda fun, I be looking at forums and posts by pregnant women and I'm like damn that's crazy🤭🤭
☆𝕋𝕙𝕣𝕖𝕖'𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕕, 𝕗𝕠𝕦𝕣'𝕤 𝕒 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕪 + 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥
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“You're not cold are you?”
You perked up looking behind you as Rio came up to where you sat on a sturdy rock by the pond in the castle gardens. The moon shone bright, illuminating the clearing, the water glittering in the subtle light.
“I'm fine, I brought a sweater with me. Did Halo finally go down?” You asked scooting over to make room for your burly husband.
“She's asleep. I had to sit with her until she fell asleep though, she didn't want me to leave. I also checked on the twins, they're fast asleep as well,” Rio sat next to you throwing his arm around your shoulder holding you close to his side.
“Thank you so much sweetie. Sorry to ask you to put the kids to bed by yourself,” you lean your head on his shoulder affectionately.
“You needn't worry about me, I'd do whatever you asked of me if you wanted, especially when it comes to our kids,” Rio leaned over to gently kiss your forehead. “How's number four?”
Referring to your pregnant belly Rio looked down at you, moving his arms down towards your waist caressing your side as you threw your legs over his lap.
“I want to say, asleep like the others,” you gave a soft chuckle. “Calm… nice… was kicking earlier but probably got the hint that it's nighttime and not to fight with me so late, hehe. We’re doing good.”
“Good.”
Rio sat with you in silence rubbing your side soothingly as you both watched the calm waters of the little pond before you. Little lily pads floating atop the water and flowers around the pond's perimeter. The critters that lived here must be asleep as well.
“Do you ever think that we're going too fast, Rio?”
Your voice made him pause a moment, putting a hand to his slightly hairy chin in thought.
“What do you mean?”
“I'm pregnant, Rio. We've been married for less than ten years. This is our fourth child and my third pregnancy. The twins are already seven years old, Halo is about to be four, with another baby on the way, plus we talked about adopting too… of course I wouldn't trade any of this for the world but…”
“Well, do you think we're going too fast? Tell me. I know I'm as much a father as you are a mother but the choice is ultimately yours. You know I wouldn't be mad if you decided you didn't want to have anymore kids. Of course I love every child you've given me but it's your body on the line not mine. Talk to me” Rio looked you in the eyes with seriousness, his love for you shining through. “You're my wife first.”
“I was just thinking that our family is getting so big so fast already,” you say calmly. You spread your hand on your swollen stomach, rubbing it through the clothes. “But you know what? I can't imagine doing this with anyone else… However, breeding me every three years is a bit overkill, no?”
Rio smiles cheekily pulling you closer so you're fully on his lap. “You know I can't get enough of you, I cherish our rare alone time together.” He leans in nuzzling up to the side of your face like a puppy bidding for affection. “Plus motherhood has made you so undeniably alluring to me~”
“Rio!”
You push his face away playfully standing up hiding your embarrassed face. Rio follows you, hugging you from behind before you can run away relaxing as you lean into his touch. You close your eyes, putting your hands on top of his sighing as a pleasant night breeze hits your skin.
“You're sure you're not cold?”
You nod your head quietly, turning around in his embrace, wrapping your hands behind Rios neck as you rested your head on his chest. You feel so at ease in his arms, his warmth radiating through his clothes, steady heartbeat acting as a metronome. 
“Even if I was… you're warm… stay like this a while longer?”
Rio smiles, placing a kiss on the top of your head. “For you, Sunbeam♡”
And so you stand in the floral garden illuminated by the moon swaying back and forth to an invisible melody like trees in a gentle breeze. You hum a tune closing your eyes leaning further into Rio's chest letting the song carry you paying no heed to the fact you're still outside humming the song contently.
“What song is that?” Rio rubs your back soothingly as he falls into step with you.
“A song from back home- the human realm I mean. I just suddenly remembered it… it's a good song,” you breathed out your words, relaxed.
“Sing it to me,” Rio smiled down at you as he took your hand in his wrapping the other around your waist.
“You want me to?”
“Of course.”
“It's been quite a while, you know? I don't think I remember all the words,” you said shyly as Rio pulled you into a slow dance simply enjoying being close to you.
“That's okay. I wouldn't know the difference anyway.”
You giggle looking away flustered. “Well now I'm nervous, what if you don't like it?”
“Then I won't ask again. Please, my love.” Rio thumbed your hip affectionately giving you a sweet smile.
Your face warmed at the use of “my love” making you smile. “Alright then♡”
You cleared your throat as Rio held you by the waist gliding about, dancing as you hummed the melody.
“When I hold you close to me, I could always see a house by the ocean. Last night I could hear the waves, as I heard you say ‘All that I want to be is yours’...”
With one hand on his shoulder and the other in his palm you smile up at Rio lovingly as you sway back and forth, him looking back at you with just as much admiration if not more as he pulled you closer by the waist.
“Falling in love, falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before with you baby. I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart.” You rested your head on Rio's chest as you sang, feeling a soft kiss be placed on top of your head.
“Beautiful…”
Your mellow voice carried you as you danced through the grass in a comfortable hold, the moon rising higher in the sky. You gave a soft chuckle as you forgot some of the words humming along the melody. In this moment Rio couldn't help but find you the loveliest creature in all the land.
“Falling in love, falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before with you baby. I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart♡”
As you finished the song you felt fatigue creep up on you, leaning on Rios chest with more weight.
“Sunbeam? Getting sleepy? It's late.” Rio hugged you gently to his chest tenderly placing a hand on your head. “Do you want to go inside?”
“Maybe… I'm just really comfortable here with you. I like moments like this,” you wrapped your arms around Rio torso. “I just wish this baby wasn't getting in the way of being right up against you.”
Rio chuckled at your words before scooping his arm beneath your knees picking you (and all your pregnant self) up with ease. 
“Hey! I can walk you kno–!”
“Hush. Knowing you, you'll be asleep before we get to the room. Relax, will you,” Rio said in a more stern tone, no stranger to your stubbornness.
Your face warmed as his voice sent your heart a flutter. Perhaps it was just your hormones talking but suddenly sleep was the last thing on your mind.
“The kids are asleep right?” You asked innocently.
“Yes? Why-” oh he knows that look in your eye.
“I'm horny-”
“No.”
“But baby-”
“We are going to bed.”
“But I need you…”
“And you need sleep,” of course Rio would love to indulge you but at this hour you would be lucky to get any sleep at all before dawn if he gave into your (his) desires. He must (begrudgingly) put his foot down.
“Why are you so mean to me…” you pouted, your eyes turning wet as you crossed your arms.
“Sunbeam…” he kissed your forehead for the nth time this night.
“You just can't keep up with me because these pregnancy hormones make me insatiable…” Which is true, your moods tended to be up and down, sad, mad, ultra happy, but when you were in the mood nothing could bring you down better than your hot and sexy husband. Once your doctor said it was safe to have intercourse during this pregnancy you weren't passing up the opportunity to have sex with Rio any chance you could get it, whenever you wanted it and could slip away.
“Exactly. If I let you have your way neither of us are going to sleep tonight, and as much as you say you need me, I know you're tired. So let's go to sleep, my love.
“... you hate me.”
“Let's go to sleep, my love.”
“You want me dead.”
“We're going to bed, my love.”
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junoshifts · 6 months ago
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hii!! I’ve been a shifter for almost two years now, and I’ve tried all the methods in the book before setting up my method that matches me as someone who can’t visualize and has ADHD. I have gotten dreams related to my DR but they weren’t lucid, like I couldn’t control them although they were vivid.
That’s all that I’ve gotten, ik symptoms don’t matter since they just mean that ur body is falling asleep. But I feel like I can’t get that ‘final push’ yk? I always either end up sleeping or having a dream about my DR. How can I do more than that??
- 🌸
hello lovely! i am answering this incredibly late because i have been busy with life and such. i wanted to properly articulate my thoughts on your situation + questions, so without further ado, let’s get into it! more info below the cut 💛
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first + foremost, when it comes to lucid dreaming, dawn has a wonderful post about his lucid dreaming tips here! i would definitely give this a read when you have a chance. i’m someone who also has wildly vivid dreams, but it has taken a bit of practice to get used to becoming aware or lucid during them. even now, i still struggle with it sometimes— and that’s okay!
personally, i consider any dreams about your desired reality (vivid or not) to be a loose subconscious connection to that reality. you’ve set an intention and aligned with that dr in some way, even if it wasn’t through a shift or proper awareness of that dr. i have quite a few drs inspired by vivid dreams, but to each their own! journaling the experiences of that dream can be beneficial in terms of lucid dreaming and becoming more aware of your actions in your dreams.
methods… my number one enemy. i personally do not love methods, i don’t think i have properly done a method in a long time because i end up more focused on completing the method “perfectly” (#perfectionism) rather than focusing on how it is meant to support me as i shift. instead of focusing on finding the “perfect” method, try to break down the pieces: does breath work help you? does counting feel beneficial? what helps you feel connected to your dr or dr self as you move through this experience? maybe writing down your intentions in a physical notebook will benefit you. either way, the same tools that help someone else might not work for you + the beautiful uniqueness of YOUR mind.
truthfully, i’m not a huge believer in the concept of a “final push” during shifting. i am pretty sure this was an early shifttok misconception, but i couldn’t find any proper sources to support this. if anyone has any threads on this topic, feel free to comment them and i will link them to this post!
now that we’ve gotten all of this out of the way: let’s talk about how to move forward. shifting can be messy and confusing, it can make us feel frustrated when our 3d (what we see, hear, sense, etc) doesn’t line up with our manifestations (your desired reality). allow yourself to feel these emotions, but know that our emotions and mindset can influence our perception of the world. for example: if you’re in a bad mood one day, you’re more likely to focus on the negative parts of your day-to-day life rather than the positives that could improve your mindset.
this being said, trying to work on reframing your perspective on your journey can be helpful! try to carry yourself with the energy you want to embody— act like the master shifter that you are, even if you haven’t seen the physical aspects of this in front of you. trust in yourself and your abilities, taking the time to remind yourself that you’re capable of shifting wherever and whenever you want.
our minds and nervous systems benefit greatly from routine, structure, or rituals— this can mean taking the time to breathe or meditate regularly, or simply doing something to connect to your desired reality self each day. since you mentioned being unable to visualize, maybe making a playlist of songs that remind you of your dr could help inspire you. consistency is helpful in achieving your desired results; just like any other part of life, practice only leads to improvement or awareness of what changes can help! trying to find a routine or technique for self-soothing + grounding prior to shifting (whether that is an awake or sleep method) teaches you that it’s safe to rest and relax. this is why many people recommend consistent meditation!
i am going to end this reply here to prevent any more rambles or overwhelming information, but if there are any details i missed or anything else you require clarity on, please feel free to leave another ask!
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poemsforthetmarchives · 19 days ago
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First 25 Write-Up
Surprise! Bet you thought you’d seen the last of me \o/
This is a commentary track post, wherein I add some commentary about the poems I’ve posted. (As of writing, there are currently 31! That’s both very few in the sum total of the episodes, and more than I was expecting to do.) I’m going to be addressing them in posting order, oldest to newest, to hopefully keep things a little more organized than if I tried to do newest first. This commentary has my reactions / stories to the first 25 poems, for the very philosophically sound reason of five-ending number good. (/jk)
We begin!
1. ‘Blood-Curdling Story!’, by Shel Silverstein
For the very first post, I wanted to show a ‘proof of concept’ and why I liked TMA so much. This one fit perfectly: both because That’s It, That’s My Reaction To The Podcast and good horror in general; and because even outside of this context, like a lot of Silverstein’s poems, it’s so much fun to read.
Additionally starting with a short, kind of goofy poem helped a lot of the decision-paralysis I got sometimes, especially starting a project. Much like when writing: just get something on the page.
2. For 160: ‘I Felt A Funeral, In My Brain’, by Emily Dickinson
This is one of the poem / episode combinations I had immediately in mind as when I started this project. Generally, the poems I pick fall into three categories: ones that feel like the statements, ones that are adjascent to the statements, or ones that happen in the statements.
“I Felt A Funeral In My Brain” is in the last category: a read into Jon’s head as all of the shit goes down (TM), especially the last stanza. The slow-building dread, the extremely topical emphasis on Knowing in the last stanza, and how it’s open-ended on this horror, like how the season 5 finale was, necessarily, a lead into everything that’s going to happen next.
3. For 114: ‘Symptoms of Prophecy’, by Camille Rankin
I know this poem can be pretty easily read as, like, “technology is evil, fire is bad, Thomas Edison was a witch”, but I don’t feel that that’s how it has to be read. It-- and 114-- is to me about the horror of nothing being the same again, and needing to tell someone something that you’re sure they won’t believe. It’s a hell of a feeling. And a hell of an attempted warning, in both. (Also, I really love the title.) The despairing desperation here and in the episode fit together really well.
4. For 174: ‘Ozymandias’, by Percy Shelley
Already rambled a fair bit in the tags about this one, which I will now transplant here for ease of use: “#Technically Jonny Sims beat me to this one but I'm including it bc the contexts are different enough and also no one cares except me if, #poems or poem references get repeated from the podcast; I realize”.
The imagery of menacing legs standing in a vast nothing around them really struck me here. Sky / open air vs. desert. Also, there’s a more metaphorical connection, of like... this feels like a poem that ‘Simon Fairchild’ (quotations because we know he straight-up stole that dude’s name) would recommend someone. The horrible vastness of time.
5. For 169: ‘Recurring Awake Nightmare #2′, by John Darnielle
Full disclosure, I love John “The Mountain Goats” Darnielle’s band a whole lot, so this is a biased pick. But I also love his non-musical poetry, and this one’s such a simple, elegant illustration to me of part of what makes the Desolation so awful. Building things up to lose and not knowing when you would.
6. For 129: ‘Omen’, by Joseph Campana
Straight-up based this on Jon’s trying-to-drink-the-ocean metaphor; there’s the obvious drowning connection, and the sheer goodness of the line “All night through the woods / rain made the same sullen song”.
7. For 042: ‘Fear Of Dying To The Wrong Song’, by Amanda Lamarche
Required clarification note here that Grifter’s Bone isn’t a band so bad it makes you die, it’s a band so good you start to kill everyone else around you to hear it. As such, a poem about music and violent death, though not caused by person to person violence in the poem’s case. I like the narrator ‘joining the song’ in the last a lot, too.
8. For 160 (again): “So Much Happiness”, by Naomi Shihab Nye
For all that this is a horror drama podcast and nothing is going to end well, they did have a few long moments of happiness, and I wanted to reflect that (/or “as we say in our Wiccan circles., ‘honoured’”). This is one of my favourite love poems, and I liked how it both kind of shares and mirrors its end line with “I Felt A Funeral”; the emphasis on Knowing through terror vs. being known through happiness. It’s a really warm, lovely piece.
9. For 150: ‘‘I Will Learn How To Love A Person And Then I Will Teach You And Then We Will Know’, by Tao Lin
The only poe so far with a title too long to include it in the formatted title section!
A lot of the Lonely statements are either ghost stories or love stories, and ‘Cul-de-Sac’ was both! This poem is both to me as well. “when i cried in your room” is fairly literally what I think happened between the end the statement.
The poem definitely crosses over into Vast territory, but I think it’s more about loneliness than endlessness. The narrator is afraid of no one (including themselves) trying hard enough to connect with people they love, and how much they feel that emptiness; not the expanding universe they’re in itself.
10. For 094: ‘Corpse Song’, by Margaret Atwood
I feel like I have a backwards relationship with Margaret Atwood’s work than a lot of people: she’s one of my favourite poets, but I don’t like her novels very much. This is one of my favourite horror-type poems of hers; it’s part of a sequence called ‘Songs Of The Transformed’ (which you can check out here, though, content warnings for... everything).
This poem feels like Georgie’s statement from the opposite direction.
11. For 135: ‘Night In Day’, by Joseph Shroud
Manuela’s manic devotion to eternal night, night being ever-present in different ways. I liked how benign it seems in the poem and how-- if you will-- dark the context makes it.
12. ‘Tea In A Space-Ship’, by James Kirkup
The second unaffiliated poem in the bunch! In all honesty I flipped past this one while I was looking through one of my eigth-grade ELA books (which I stole by accident at first but then didn’t give back, on purpose, so YMMV) for other fitting poetry. As the note says, it immediately put Manuela into my head, in a much more... lighter (again if you will) situation than the previous poem.
Also, I just really like this poem; it’s silly and light-hearted while still Feeling fairly true. You gotta find joy where you can sometimes.
13. For 144: ‘The Extinction Of The Dinosaurs’, by David Baker
Aaand we go right back down to planetwide extinction. \o/ I picked this one for mood and visuals more than content, although I think the looming numbers are still there. This is a very rusted, dry heat, season-spent-waiting poem. The last two lines (“It’s like that. / Nobody’s going anywhere. Nothing’s coming back.”) especially; which feeds into the poor statement-giver’s feelings of restlessness, and inevitability.
14. For 009: ‘Kids’, by John A. Williams
No joke, I read this poem when I was myself a pretty young kid (though I wouldn’t’ve said so; I think I was like, twelve?), and it is now inscribed on the inside of my skull. I picked it for its punchiness and also for it’s dramatic irony. Given what Julia becomes.
15. For 103: ‘View Of A Pig’, by Ted Hughes
There’s only so many poems about pigs, and this is the most powerful one I know. I think the ways of seeing animals as, anything less or more than animals; a monster vs. “a sack of wheat”, are interesting to think about comparatively. Especially in how like... an animal that’s a monster is horrible, while an animal that’s just an object, a chunk of flesh, isn’t even pitiable anymore. It’s wild how far our range of experience goes.
16. For 127: ‘Scientific Method (ocean)’, by James Tadd Adcox
Jon’s “Drinking the ocean” moment in poetry form. He really wasn’t prepared. (And, likely, won’t be in the future.)
17. For 077: “A Stranger”, by Saeed Jones
The theme with this poem and statement match almost exactly; though it’s much kinder to the person and their mother than the episode.
18. For 013: ‘Not Waving but Drowning’, by Stevie Smith
This poem is about the Lonely even though in pure text-face it’s about the Vast, at the same way that drowning is also a Buried domain. Everything can mean a lot of things! “Much too far out / all of my life”.
Eric and Naomi’s story is extremely sad, particularly since it starts being about hope and love, and how much affection I have for both of them despite not knowing them at all except secondhand / not for very long. For me this describes them both, despite the pronouns. I wish I had a nicer poem for them. (Unfortunately, as we all know, The Magnus Archives.)
19. For 089: ‘Figs from Thistles: First Fig’, by Edna St. Vincent Millay
As I left in the tags, “Ik this one is a bit on the nose & over-referenced but consider: 1) it's still very good and 2) Jude was not a particularly subtle character. Also 3): I like it”.
Which remains true! What’s also is I feel like linking this poem to the statement is almost a disservice to the poem. It’s such a short piece that’s been used so wonderfully in other contexts, and I’m handing it to the backstory of a woman who literally causes as much cruelty as possible for eldritch funsies. Still: Jude and her ever-unending energy fits it well.
20. For 168: ‘An Irish Airman foresees his Death’, by William Butler Yeats
You can’t have an episode about the fear of death in this archives without a poem explicitly thinking about death! This is one of my favourites. (Shoutout to ‘In The Flesh’ and also my tenth grade English class.) I picked it because I think it echoed Oliver’s mindset and voice so much: detached, hopeless in a fatalist way, and melancholy.
Oliver was one of the only avatars I actively felt sympathy for, before this episode. To me, it all comes back to how The Fears Are Bad and literal definitions of evil, and actively inflicting evils on others with no thoughts or regrets, or at worse enjoying evil actively, is Also Very Bad. Before the apocalypse, Oliver had done terrible things-- actively murdering a couple people and intentionally causing the death of a literal boatload of people, most notably--, and he was trying to help warn people. Those don’t cancel each other out but they both matter. Caring matters. Oliver doesn’t care at all anymore. “Brought all to mind” ... “This life, this death”.
21. For 045: ‘Mosquitoes’, by Katherine Hauth
Listen. If they hadn’t been testing on human-eating mosquitoes, this whole episode wouldn’t’ve been a problem.
22. For 030: ‘Implications for Modern Life’, by Matthea Harvey
Weird hope for a deeply visceral poem, for an episode with deeply and literally visceral episode.
23. For 173: ‘Darkness Starts‘, by Christian Wiman
This entire poem is an excellent one, but I really chose it for the last stanza. “Children become their cries”.
24. For 165: “Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite!” (Cover), performed by Jennifer Ann.
This one, I admit, is pretty pretentious! Perfect for using a Beatles song, badumchh, no. I genuinely like and am creeped out by this song in equal measures. But nonetheless. It’s a song about a circus that sounds like a haunted circus, and I felt like it was a good companion to the episode, since we already got a poem.
25. For 144 (again): ‘The Increasing Frequency Of Black Swans’, by Camille Rankine
This is the second poem I used for this episode; the first was “[LINK]The Extinction Of The Dinosaurs”. Both expressed the “dry summer of defeated, exhausted hope” that the statement stank of so well. ‘Extinction Of The Dinosaurs’ was for the statement giver himself, and how I imagined it must’ve looked like in his head.
“The Increasing Frequency Of Black Swans” I read more like Martin’s headspace while reading the statement, and to a degree his mindset for most of the season. Talk about a way to reorient everything you thought about in your life.
I especially like how the last line foreshadows his last act of season 4, in terms of secret and somewhat-awful-for-you motivations. “[...] that’s been changing the way my body moves this whole time”.
Thank you.
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jodilin65 · 6 months ago
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A quick glance at the news is full of the usual sad stuff. It seems some product is being recalled nearly every day, and the mental case involved in the Slender Man stabbing is going to be released from a mental facility in 7 years as if that can "unmental" her. People don't change. 
SoCal is on fire, and while I don't feel much for the celebrities who have half a dozen other houses to go to, I feel bad for those less well-off. That's got to be pretty horrifying, especially given how big it is and the fact that only 8% of it is currently contained.
I organized my bookmarks earlier. The list gets quite endless when you let them go. I made about a dozen folders or so containing different topics like writing, medical, entertainment... that sort of thing.
My fatigue is off the charts today. I'm back to the break-up sleep. Took half a clonazepam when I woke up in the middle of my sleep, unable to fall back asleep right away. First, I woke up hot, and then I woke up cold, then had to pee. It's absolutely horrible, and I'm trying not to think about how long it could be before I have the CPAP back and find out just how much the sleep apnea is contributing to how exhausted I feel so often. As I said, I think the stage was always set for sleep apnea, but as we age, things change. Just like the skin loses its elasticity in the nose and causes nasal collapse at times, the throat muscles also change. I think that once my weight also got up to a certain point,  I was pretty much doomed. No guarantees losing weight would do me any good the older I get. If I can ever tackle the fatigue, I may make one more attempt at dieting. I'll start at 1,400 calories now that I've got AI tools that can make weekly menus for me, and I've gotten to be a pretty good cook. I'll take off 100 calories at a time until I get results—if I get results—and if I don't have to go crazy low in order to get them. I'm still metabolically fucked, like it or not. But that's still way down the line. My number one priority is the fatigue. 
Where I hardly ever used to nap, now I'm napping nearly every day or at least lying down. Still hard to believe my thyroid has that much to do with it since it's not that bad, and it's been a hell of a lot worse yet I wasn’t so tired. Even Doctronic thinks most of it is the sleep apnea. Unfortunately, it's going to be a while before I find out, and to stress me out even further, I forgot to take the clocks going ahead on March 5th into consideration when I used the program to schedule my appointment in mid-March.
It's only been a couple of days, but it does seem like my nose could be a little better since restarting the steroid spray.
We ordered an extensive UTI test that checks for 8 different things…Leukocytes, Nitrite, Urobilinogen, Protein, Bilirubin, Ketone, pH Levels, Specific Gravity. I wish I could know for sure the burning was due to menopause and nothing else, but we'll find out if the WBC count is elevated in my pee because it certainly shouldn't be and could be a symptom of other things besides a UTI. After I take the test which arrives tomorrow, I'll call Rhonda's office to see how to schedule the virtual appointment with her. Depending on the findings, I might mention the spots of blood. There were only two or three of them, though.
His catalog of free stuff he can get each month is surprisingly extensive, and I was surprised by all the things my own plan has to offer. At first, I was pissed because I saw the exact same popcorn popper I recently got as one of the options. Then I thought it would be nice to have a new potato peeler since this one is getting kind of dull, but it came with a couple of other utensils I just didn’t need. I considered shampoo and lotion but then decided against it. The perfumes were too expensive, and so were the Fitbit watches, some of which are pretty high-end. I only had 800 points to play with, and I don't know how often they have challenges. I was hoping they would have an electric grill, but they didn't. They had an electric griddle, a waffle maker, a quesadilla maker, a sandwich maker, a slow cooker, and a rice cooker, along with other kitchen-related things. They also had health-related things, of course, along with jewelry, apparel, and shoes. There were quite a few other things as well, and finally, I decided on a set of blue towels. At 700 GSM, they're good quality. The towels I got when we first moved in here are not very good. They're usable, but a little thin and they're starting to get a little stringy too.
We changed Tinky's cage earlier, and now I'm just vegging out in frustration and wishing I had more energy. Maybe someday—even if it means trading it for a new problem—since I just can't get a break and always have to have something.🫤
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imkattymae · 1 year ago
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Travel: Fighting jet lag.
If I look back at all the trips I’ve taken overseas, the only time I ever recall being excited is when I finally try to get to sleep the night before - I’m hopeless. It’s like my brain flicks on ‘stay awake’ mode just before I know I need to get to sleep because I have to wake up early for a flight. It’s both frustrating and very annoying! Not to mention that I’m worried about feeling jet lagged and really tired.
It’s funny; I can wake up early in the morning and be really tired but can still last the day without falling asleep.
I must say, I don’t think I’d never actually experience jet lag until I travelled on multiple flights last year over five months.
First... what is it?
Jet lag is medically referred to as desynchronises, it's a physiological condition which results from alterations to the body's circadian rhythms resulting from rapid long-distance trans meridian (east–west or west–east) travel on a jet airplane. (Wikipedia)
In regards to symptoms, apparently everyone reacts differently. If you are traveling look out for these:
Headaches, Fatigue, irregular sleeping patterns, insomnia, disorientation, mild depression
It’s said that jet lag isn’t caused by crossing the International Date Line or the length of the flight, its affected more when traveling across a number of time zones which your body clock is not in sync with, and the rhythms are different from your natural body pattern. It also depends on how quickly your body adjusts to these new schedules, so the fact that I’ve never felt like I have been affected may just be because my body adjusted quicker than most people – thank god! Sometimes I wonder if it’s more a state of mind than anything else, and people overthink it too much. But I agree with my friend, I think it’s all about common sense.
If you have experienced jet lag before and often do, here are some tips that I have found from fellow traveler blogs and friends.
Tips to help you fight Jet Lag
Avoid overeating and caffeine  
OK, like me I can’t usually go a day without a cup of coffee or tea so this one is a tricky one for those who do drink a lot of caffeine. Caffeine does keep you up and awake longer, so it will be harder to try fall asleep and reduces your sleep time.
2. Don’t eat too much on the plane
I do think this should depend on how hungry you are and how long the flight is - you do have to eat. But if you do get hungry often during the flight, try and eat snacks and keep in mind that airline food is cooked at least twice because it’s almost impossible to maintain moisture at altitude.
3. Stay hydrated  
The plane can get really dry and with the circulating air – quite annoying, trust me – that is why I don’t wear my contact lenses on the plane anymore. So it is important to stay hydrating during the flight, you might even want to bring a hydrating spray for our face, and moisturizer.
  4. Try to avoid sleeping as soon as you arrive to your hotel
This can really push your body clock, so try and stay up until it’s actually the time to sleep at your destination. If you are really tired from traveling, take a nap – 20 minutes at most but be careful it doesn’t turn into a 3 hour one. I find that I don’t sleep straight away, even if I arrive at 8am in the morning– you have to let your body adjust to the local time so sleeping at the right time is key!
5.  Limit alcohol intake on the plane   
Alcohol can actually worsen the symptoms of jet lag, so try and avoid too much alcohol. If you feel that having a scotch or wine helps you sleep then that’s fine but remember alcohol can also dry you out and its worse when the cabin air dehydrates everyone – not to mention the effects of alcohol when the altitude changes. Did you know that one drink in mid-flight is the same as two or three on the ground! (I didn't know that lol)
If you really are worried, you can try taking pills like ‘No Jet Lag’ pills on Amazon.
Do you have any tips?
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autisticshadowthehedgehog · 2 years ago
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What was up with Chris Thorndyke, anyway?
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I think it’s safe to say that Chris Thorndyke is one of the most hated characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, which is... a bit odd, when you think about it. In a world of Ken Penders’s Daddy Issues Personified and Octopus Who Kills Children For Fun (the latter of which basically being a fandom sexyman), why is a twelve-year-old boy so polarizing?
It would be easy to chalk this up to the bad 4kidz dub, but I don’t quite think that’s it. A lot of the complaints I’ve heard can go to “he got the main character slot in Sonic’s show” or “I just don’t like the human characters,” which are valid, but pale in comparison to basically all I’ve seen being: “He’s just annoying,” “I can’t fucking stand him,” etc. That’s basically all I hear, and when asking why, it usually boils down to two things: 1) his extreme attachment to Sonic and 2) his status as a rich white american only child basically puts any and all of his problems at “first world problems” at best. Those also seem like valid reasons, right?
Thing is, while on the surface it seems like this kid has no issues, as a kid with a, how you say, rough childhood, something stuck with me when I watched the show for the first time. I remember sitting through episode after episode, wondering, When does Chris stop being sympathetic and start being annoying? Since, you know, that’s his reputation.
It didn’t happen.
And it slowly became apparent to me that a lot of the things that made Chris “annoying” and “obsessive”... were just obvious symptoms of a traumatized kid.
Join me for my thesis presentation: Chris’s “annoying” traits are not a writing flaw, but an intentional character flaw brought about by severe neglect, which is resolved through his character arc, and why the fandom reaction to him is so furious.
Note: Throughout this meta, we will only be looking over the Japanese version of Sonic X, as it’s the original script and 4kidz did not translate it accurately. So if you see some lines you don’t remember being said, those are from the English subtitles/direct translation.
Once again, it is possible (also likely, we’ll discuss that a bit) that the kidification and cuts to Sonic X did a number on Chris’s likability, but for most of the meta we’ll be discussing his Japanese characterization with only a few references to cut scenes or lines in the dub.
Part I: First Impressions
On the surface, Chris seems like not just a normal kid, but a very privileged one. He goes to regular school with regular friends, but also goes home to a mansion and millions of dollars. His parents dote on him, his grandfather has fun with him, the two servants treat him like their own kid. He should have no problems, right?
Except, honestly, the issues become apparent in Episode One.
You may be saying here, “What do you mean, episode one? The second episode is when Chris gets all his characterization and exposition.”
Except we get all this visually in the final scene of the episode. (I PROMISE the whole essay won’t be this analytic over small scenes but this is important.)
Before Chris rescues Sonic, kickstarting his part in the plot, we see him hear Sonic fall, peer out the window, and then run out to get him.
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Firstly, the shots of his room. His room is huge– and we’ll come back to that detail later, so keep it in mind– but it’s also dark. Which tracks ofc, it’s nighttime and the kid’s asleep, but there’s also a lit desk light, which we see when Chris goes to the window. This together gives the audience the visual impression that Chris is in the dark, with the light only coming when he opens that window and sees Sonic.
Let’s get into the bigness of the house here, as Chris runs out of the room. In every shot we see him running, it’s emphasized how small he is. No, not only how small he is, but how empty the rest of the house is.
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First the shot in the hall. There’s minimal lighting from a few wall lamps, the rest of the hallway is incredibly dark. Chris is shorter than the height of the lamps on the wall, his positioning keeps him small in the frame despite him running closer. He’s also centered in the hall, and when you look to the walls you can see several doors, implying several rooms, but only Chris is in the hall.
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Then the stairwell– once again incredibly dark, but we see more of the grandiose nature of the house. A painting taller than Chris, a Grandfather Clock maybe twice his height. He also runs down the stairs with the railing up to his shoulder. It’s all finely detailed, which of course reflects the Thorndyke luxury they live in. But it’s still dark, and Chris is still so small.
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A shot of him running across the floor. It’s shot from above, and we see that the tiles on the floor are bigger than his whole body. This shot is even darker than the rest, only a few lights reflecting on the ground. The above-shot also shows a ceiling fan in front of us, which makes it look bigger than it is, also dwarfing Chris in the shot.
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There’s a shot after that of Chris running to the pool– it is actually near-impossible to see him here, but if you look he runs off the back porch. Once again the world is huge, everything around him is huge, and everything is dark, except the pools. The pools where Sonic is, not that he knows that yet.
The pool still remains brightly lit as Chris dives in and saves Sonic. The first shot we see is him diving in, and then grabbing onto Sonic’s wrist. This is repeated multiple times later in the show as they reach for each other’s hands. It’s not only the first time we see this kid make contact with someone in the show, I’m pretty sure it’s the first time we see Sonic. In the first bit of the episode he’s only hitting robots, in the second bit he’s fleeing from everyone who comes near him. This first contact thus subconsciously establishes itself in the audience’s minds as important for both of them.
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We finally see Chris clearly after he pulls Sonic out, where the two of them are lit by the pool’s light. Despite the long shadows coming off of them, they are both fully visible and sitting amongst the lit tiles, meaning Chris is now in the light.
This opening scene also establishes something important about Chris as well, and that’s that he’s... not a rich asshole. This kid woke up in the middle of the night, and for all intents and purposes saw nothing in the pool– he saw the ripples stilling, but that could’ve been anything. Could’ve been a frog. Could’ve been a bird taking off into the air. Could’ve been a bird shitting. But Chris still investigates anyway and immediately dives in, presumably once he sees something still in there. As he dives in, he also reaches for Sonic instantly, meaning it wasn’t just pure curiosity that drove him forward, but a deep desire to help whatever was in there. Likely he saw it moving and leapt in to save it without a second thought.
It’s established in the next episode that Chris knew full well he was not allowed to do this and it probably wouldn’t be safe; he’s not allowed to go outside at night or swim in the adult pool. Not to mention he’s also probably still half-asleep and wearing pajamas. Without hesitation he jumps in anyway because there’s something that needs his help. When he pulls Sonic out, he can clearly see this is a weird fucked-up thing he doesn’t recognize, but without even reacting to that fact he just asks if he’s okay. He only starts showing his surprise when Sonic begins talking. Even then there’s no screaming, he just introduces himself politely and then. Takes Sonic inside.
The next episode opens already in the next morning, and with Sonic still there we can assume Chris just hid him for the rest of the night without telling the other adults in the house. After Sonic mentioned people chasing him, Chris probably figured it wasn’t safe to tell anyone and took it upon his 12yo self to make sure this little guy didn’t get spotted.
Which, if it weren’t for Sonic’s impulsiveness, would’ve been incredibly easy.
The second episode opens with another panning shot of the huge mansion, with a voice overlay from Lindsey. The first thing we hear from Chris’s mother is that she’s sorry, but she won’t come home til “next week.” But she’ll send him a ton of gifts, so it’s okay!
Our next interesting shot is as she continues talking, and we see a ton of family photos tacked onto the wall. This immediately gives the impression of, of course, a family that really loves each other. It then immediately pans to Chris, alone on the balcony, talking minimally into a phone.
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Chris then has another character beat of apologizing for diving in the pool. It seems like if he hadn’t mentioned it, nobody would’ve known, but he does anyway because he’s just like. A good little kid. Either that or it’s anything to keep his mom on the line longer.
Another thing to note is that Tanaka briefly enters during this scene, but doesn’t even look at Chris as he drops his food off and leaves.
When she hangs up, we hear a little kissing noise, and then Chris kisses the phone receiver and rubs the back of his head. His expression doesn’t seem embarrassed, though, especially as he didn’t notice Sonic staring at him until the next shot. He looks perhaps relieved, a soft kind of happy, perhaps at the compliment she gave him immediately before her abrupt goodbye.
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Sonic then asks why Chris referred to him as a cat; he doesn’t seem upset, just a little curious. Chris’s reaction is interesting here– the first thing he does is ask if Sonic is mad at him, and then immediately launch into an explanation.
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After Sonic seems calm, Chris then curiously asks Sonic where he learned to talk. They’re interrupted by the phone ringing, and Chris seems incredibly confused that it rung. He answers almost robotically, and immediately grows excited upon hearing it’s his dad, though his voice still indicates surprise. You can really hear it in the line delivery of his og actress, Sanae Kobayashi.
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Chris continues smiling blankly as his Dad talks about how his mom told him that a cat got into the estate and maybe he should update security. Chris swiftly assures him that it’s okay, and then says, “But more importantly, you’re very busy, aren’t you?”
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Basically he already knows that this conversation will be less than a minute long, but he’s still smiling until his dad’s already hung up.
The rest of the scene plays out as Chris googles what hedgehogs eat, tries to feed Sonic cat food, and then rightfully freaks out when Sonic leaves to get a chili dog, considering he’s a fugitive. And while his face and mannerisms at the end of the scene does effectively display this worry, they really do hold on that shot for a while as he fades back into a sadder expression.
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These scenes both serve as introductory scenes to Chris, and both visually and through dialogue, we have established:
Chris is constantly alone.
His world is dark until he finds Sonic.
He has a kind personality and doesn’t seem to be at all jaded or spoiled by his privileged upbringing.
His parents love him but are so absent that he doesn’t even bat an eye at the fact he won’t see his mom for a week. He is surprised when his Dad calls but immediately puts his work before his own well being.
He’s relatively calm, but only freaks out when he thinks Sonic might be mad at him, and when Sonic leaves.
I’d love to do a fucking scene-for-scene analysis of the entire show, but we’d be here for like twenty years so instead let’s uh. jump ahead a bit.
We slowly unravel Chris’s backstory and mental state throughout the first two seasons, in a slow way that I think is very effective and won’t be effective enough through this essay, but I’m gonna try my best.
Anyway, let’s jump ahead and cover his whole... thing.
Part II: The Backstory Scene that 4kidz Cut
The youngest we ever see Chris is in the season two penultimate episode. There’s a flashback to him as what seems to be a toddler, or just out of toddlerhood. This scene, right here, was cut in the English dub for... no real reason I can think of. In fact, it just makes Chris look less sympathetic.
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The first shot we get is of Chris and his parents. Much like the Chris’s first scene, he is tiny, even tinier. But unlike that scene, everything is bright. It’s blinding, actually, as the doors are open and Chris’s parents stand in front of it. This is obviously from baby Chris’s perspective, representing his emotional state. With those doors open and his parents in front of him, he is covered in light. Covered.
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His parents are quite formal in their parting words. “We’re leaving now,” his dad says. His mom then says, “I’m sorry, Chris. Make sure you behave until we return.”
Once again, I mentioned that this scene is from baby Chris’s perspective, so maybe they weren’t as formal when this actually happened. But that’s how it came across to Chris.
Sidenote, but honestly? Considering his age, this could very well be one of his earliest memories.
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Little Chris says, “If I behave, will you come home right away?” While of course operating on little kid logic, this also reflects on how much he loves his family again, as all he wants is for his parents to be home with him.
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His parents look at each other, confused on how to answer. They then give the worst answer– “Of course.” We see how happy this makes him, but it’s only a temporary happiness. They’ve just made a promise they cannot keep and they know it, and at baby Chris’s age, he will NOT understand that.
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When they turn to leave, Chris’s face falls. They once again have a formal goodbye, and as they leave, the doors shut, and the light is gone, and he stands there for again a long time. I don’t think I need to explain what this symbolizes.
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The next shot, we see Chris is reading a picture book by himself on the couch. Once again a small little guy in a big world; the book also seems to be The Little Matchgirl, which... oof. The story is about how a lonely orphan dreams about having a family as she slowly freezes to death, in case you weren’t aware. The two shots we see from the book are first of her freezing, and then of her looking in a window and imagining a family. As Chris reads this, he repeats that if he behaves, his parents will come home.
He then hears the door about to open and immediately leaps up and smiles widely.
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It’s not his parents, it’s Ella, but she has presents from his parents!
Despite being a little kid who would normally be ecstatic at the prospect of new toys, Chris just looks numb as she speaks.
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He takes no joy in the toy either, because his parents aren’t there with it.
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So. I have worked at a daycare and as a babysitter for about... seven years now. Kids? They have separation anxiety. They will sob and scream and shout and kick and run if their mom is out of their sight. I recently babysat a kid who learned how to unlock the door so he could try and run after his parents which was terrifying for me tbh.
Chris’s reaction of just immediately falling into a numb depression isn’t something I saw in the kids I watched. At this age, they cry at the very least. Chris doesn’t even do that, he’s just staring. We get one voiceover at the end of this scene, as Chris just says, “It never came true.” Obviously referring to the promise– he behaved, and his parents still stayed away.
What impression does this give a kid that age? One of two things, if not both at once:
I am not behaving enough and I need to behave perfectly.
Mom and Dad don’t care enough to come home.
From knowing Lindsey and Nelson, we know this is not true. They’re busy, and they hope to show their love through gifts. But Chris’s love language is very much not gifts, it’s quality time. And he doesn’t. Get that.
From anyone.
Part III: Chris’s Abandonment Issues
As I’ve made it clear, Chris’s parents are never around. He doesn’t bat an eye at his mother saying she’ll be gone another week, and is surprised that his Dad even bothered to call. We saw all those family photos, but looking at them again, how many of them were taken at the same time, one of the few times his parents were home? How many is Chris standing stiffly, properly, instead of relaxing like a kid?
Another line from episode six really drives his home, one I think a lot of people miss.
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Upon being told his parents are coming home, Chris remarks that it has been months since he’s seen them. Months.
Later in the episode, Chuck remarks on how it’s a miracle to see them both at the house at the same time. They laugh this off, and spend the rest of the episode anxiously waiting for Chris to get home because, yeah, they do care. When Chris gets home he immediately calls for them and gets tackle-hugged. As they do, he stiffens upon the physical contact, and looks awkward the whole time, like he’s not used to physical affection.
He’s then later surprised to hear his parents were worried he was late.
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The next episode, Chris’s dad has already left by the next morning. When he hears his mom has unexpectedly left, he is upset, but not surprised; he immediately resigns himself to this and sighs before leaning back on the couch.
When he brings this up to his uncle, Sam immediately remarks that his sister is never home.
This is where Cream breaks, because she has seen Lindsey herself break down over not being there for Chris. Chris has not seen that. All he knows is that his mother was there and then was gone, despite their elaborate dinner plan, despite knowing he was bringing a guest to meet her.
Once again, he’s not surprised. Neither is Sam.
Similar with his Dad; in the previous episode, when they were worried, Nelson implies that he has a guard service making sure Chris doesn’t get abducted. They’re two seconds away from calling the US Military to find him. But they stop short of going after him, because they don’t want him to think they’re being overbearing.
We’ve firmly established this by now, okay? His parents are never home and haven’t been since he was, what? Three? Four, tops.
Nobody else was really there, either.
Ella and Tanaka seem to have done most of Chris’s raising. And while Ella and Tanaka are amazing, and definitely care a lot about Chris, it doesn’t change the fact that they are paid employees and Chris knows this. They’re paid to hang out with him. If they weren’t getting paid, Chris has no idea if they would even give a shit about him. Even with that, there’s not a ton of evidence they like. hung out with him outside of making sure he was alright. As mentioned, in the second episode Tanaka doesn’t even look at him as he delivers food. Not for lack of care, but probably because they’re busy as only two servants in a huge estate. This isn’t their kid, too, they’re under no obligation to raise him. Ella is the cook and Tanaka is the butler-bodyguard, they’re not childcare experts.
What about his grandpa? Sorry to break this to you but Chuck wasn’t around, either.
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In episode 51, which we’re gonna keep coming back to as it’s the culmination of Chris’s arc, Chuck says this while reprimanding Nelson and Lindsey. He says, “I never blamed you for neglecting your household because you were too busy with work. That’s because I also did whatever I wanted and continued my research.”
Back to the second episode, when we first see Chuck, you notice on the second watch that Chris 1) doesn’t trust his grandpa enough to tell him that he’s hiding a fugitive in their house, 2) didn’t seem to expect him (or ANYONE) to walk in on them in the LIVING ROOM, 3) seems to not know a ton about his personality. He’s surprised when his grandpa closes the door on Sonic, and surprised that he’s a bit of an adrenaline junkie. It seems that instead of spending time with his grandson, Chuck spent most of his time in his shed tinkering with machines.
His uncle? Seems to visit on occasion, but has a government job. You know he’s never around, either.
So Chris is growing up in a huge house, which is serving to give him a constant reminder that nobody’s home. There are two servants going around working and sometimes saying hi to him, there’s a grandpa in the shed somewhere who might come in once or twice to watch TV, and there’s photos on the wall of parents who aren’t home. He’s like that for at least eight years.
OH, and let’s talk about the friends argument which I’ve confusingly seen. He’s got two friends at school. His parents seem to recognize Danny’s name, so Danny might have been a longtime friend, or at least friend he talked about before. But Danny and Frances, being barely in any episodes, we can assume they also have their own lives and things going on and thus don’t, like, hang out with Chris after school a lot. He uses Danny as an excuse for being late in ep6, but the fact that nobody seemed to expect him to be late implies this is not a usual thing. And of course it is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY not on the shoulders of these other 12yos to emotionally support another kid, but it’s not like they’re immediately moving into his house and giving him attention 24/7. They’re friends. Which is all they need to be. But for a neglected child like Chris, they’re just another part of his life that comes and goes. Him having two buddies at school that he shares a table with (thus probably just. friends by proximity) doesn’t negate the neglect.
Looking at the photos on the wall again, there’s one photo of Chris with some kind of sports team, probably baseball. Considering how bad Chris played in the baseball episode, he probably didn’t stay there long, and considering we never see anyone even resembling the kids in that pic, we can assume they didn’t stay long-lasting friends. The other photos, they’re dressed in suits, like they’re taking professional photos. Once again stilted, stiff.
But I hear y’all on twitter now. “Oh, boo-hoo, his parents weren’t around. He was still living fancy, it’s fine.”
So let’s talk about the effects of emotional neglect on the childhood psyche.
Part IV: Connie Read Actual Research Papers and Scholarly Articles For This Instead of Doing Actual Work
So, here’s something that’s been seen recurrently in neglected children: kids are psychologically dependent on parents or caregivers throughout their whole childhood and adolescence.
From New Directions in Child Abuse and Neglect Research by the Committee on Child Maltreatment Research, “Children who have experienced abuse and neglect are therefor at increased risk for a number of problematic developmental, health, and mental health outcomes, including learning problems, problems relating to peers, externalizing symptoms [aggression or conduct disorder], and posttraumatic stress disorder. As adults, these children continue to show increased risk for psychiatric disorders, substance use, serious medical illnesses, and lower economic productivity.”
Let’s talk mainly about the mental health outcomes. Without a present caregiver, neglected children often fall behind on the abilities to regulate behavior or emotions. Several parts of the brain will end up altered due to early childhood neglect, including the stress response system, the emotion processing and regulation system, the learning and memory system, etc.
The stress response system is the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortial axis, aka the HPA. The HPA is incredibly sensitive to early childhood experiences and an uncertain childhood can effect a lot of things, such as sleep patterns and hyperactivity. Abused children will often have higher spikes of cortisol, a high enough number of which can cause damage to the brain and premature aging.
The behavioral regulation is also most commonly affected in these victims; neglected children will often show “behavioral and emotional difficulties that are consistent with effects on the amygdala, such as internalizing problems, heightened anxiety, and emotional reactivity, and deficits in emotional processing.”
Other mental health issues are also seen; children with trauma experiences will show similar mental patterns as those with ADHD, and can have serious issues with inhibitory control– aka, controlling your impulses.
Then there’s the corpus callosum. (Insert SnapCube dub joke here.) The corpus callosum manages communication between the two hemispheres of the brain. Several studies have found that abused children have a much smaller corpus callosum than non-abused children, even those who are mentally ill; these effects are also more pronounced in boys than girls, which is relevant to our analysis of a 12yo anime boy from 2003. This means that their brain development will often be behind that of their peers, and it could take a while for them to mature.
That was long and boring Connie. Give us the tldr.
Okay don’t worry, the article got to that right about now. Children dealing with neglect will show several issues related to the interrupted development of these parts of their brain, including:
Extreme Deficits in Executive Functioning
Difficulty in regulating attention: As a note on this, 18.6% of abused and neglected teens are diagnosed with ADHD. Compared to 5% of other children. That’s like three times the amount!
And, most interestingly, the behavioral outcomes:
Difficulty forming trusting attachments to caregivers
Both Disorganized and Insecure Attachment Issues, usually getting severe Attachment Disorders
Reactive Attachment Disorder: Inhibited or emotionally withdrawn behavior, rarely seeking or responding to comfort
Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder: Basically the opposite; it’s marked by a pattern of overly familiar behavior with strangers.
Emotion Regulation: infants learn how to deal with distress via their parents– how their caregivers handle stress, how they take care of problems and slowly introduce the ability to deal with them. Without that, abused and neglected children will often fail to develop effective strategies for regulating emotions. This will probably cause a lot of the following.
This also includes recognizing emotions in others. While abused children will identify anger quickly, neglected children tend to be worse than non-neglected children at identifying any facial expressions.
Their emotional issues can also cause them to feel isolated from their peers, as their peers do not understand them and do not act like them.
Anxiety
Depression– nearly a 3x chance compared to non-neglected kids
Dissociation
Conduct Disorder
PTSD
Physical issues include stunted growth and motor development, and lower health.
Note that these do not appear in all victims of neglect, these are just common symptoms.
Part V: Every “Annoying” Thing Chris Does is a Fucking Symptom
Difficulty forming attachments to Caregivers
In episode 43, Chris deals with a situation that’s obviously alien to him: his parents coming home to care about him.
His parents hear that he’s sick and drop everything to come home. This is clearly something that’s unusual, judging from both Chris’s and his grandpa’s reactions to it. Chris is confused and embarrassed, kinda numb and still, until his grandfather and father start arguing. Even then, he only reacts when they bring up Sonic.
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He then yells that he hates his family and orders them to leave him alone. This doesn’t last long as they’re immediately attacked by more badniks, but it’s a beat they definitely put in there intentionally.
Also, he doesn’t seem to trust Chuck as an authority either. He really just sees him as an impulsive adrenaline junkie at best; in the cruise ship episode, Chuck is drunk the whole time and Chris doesn’t seem to care. It also says something that while Ella and Tanaka are present, he doesn’t trust them to tell them they might be finding an alien in the attic until they find out for themselves.
Difficulty Understanding Others’ Emotions
This one’s gonna be easy, as I talked about it earlier in the essay. When Sonic asks, “Was the cat supposed to be me?” Chris immediately assumes he’s upset and tries to placate him with an explanation. This happens throughout the show as well; let’s take Mr. Stewart for example, that man is obviously spying on him and inserting himself into his life and Chris thinks it’s maybe a little weird, not that much though. He also spends most of his time hanging out with Shadow standing there in complete obliviousness as to what Shadow is thinking or feeling. He doesn’t even seem to really register Shadow as a threat, instead throwing himself at him in hopes that he can convince him to help Sonic. In doing so, he also doesn’t think that Tanaka would at all be worried about him, and is surprised at their reunion that Tanaka was upset.
Aggression / Delinquincy
This was very underplayed, but in the Sonic Battle arc, we literally see him start to rebel. He tells Sonic that he’s sick of being the perfect rich kid, that he wants to be a problem on purpose sometimes. Sonic seems to completely understand that, as that’s a point Chris needs to reach. He has to realize he cannot be perfect and that’s okay.
[except that dialogue was all cut in the 4kidz version no im not bitter]
Only Chris explores his imperfection in a really bad way.
And now. Let’s get into the attachment.
And to do that, we need to get into...
Part VI: What Sonic Represents
This is a fascinating part of Chris’s psyche since I think it occurs both subconsciously and consciously, but when I drew attention to Sonic bringing the light back into Chris’s life? Yeah, that’s cause he did.
Everything changed only after Sonic arrived. Suddenly Chris’s parents are... visiting??? For once??? TOGETHER??? His grandfather wants to spend time with him! His friends at school are hanging out with him more and he’s even made new friends! And most importantly, he has the mobians around him constantly. He’s got constant attention from all of them, and while he quickly takes on the figure of the Responsible One, he’s still WITH PEOPLE. He’s gone from being alone all the time to surrounded by a rowdy-ass found family.
Most of all is Sonic. Chris seems to have attached himself mainly to Sonic, likely because in his mind Sonic represents the moment when everything changed. Of course, Sonic would probably have been the worst of the gang to get attached to, seeing as he runs off all the time. The first several episodes, even after they stop hiding from the public, Chris is noticeably upset whenever Sonic leaves. He only calms down after several, several episodes, after assurances from every character that this is just a thing Sonic does, he never sticks around anyway, don’t worry about it.
But still, he definitely attaches himself to this hedgehog for better or for worse.
And it gets worse.
Part VII: Even More Trauma
First we gotta talk about the end of Season One.
At the beginning of the arc, Chris is noticeably... incredibly depressed. He’s also disassociating hardcore. He’s constantly staring into nothing, his face upset, but as soon as someone snaps him back to reality, he forces a smile on his face, acting happy despite going through a ton of negative emotions at once. Almost like he’s trying to behave perfectly.
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Chris realizes throughout the episode the attachment he’s gotten to the mobians, and especially Sonic, but even then he still does his best to help them. He steals a chaos emerald and runs off to Eggman in order to get them home, because it will make them happy! Nevermind if it doesn’t make Chris happy. He’s never worried about that anyway.
Of course this backfires and Eggman kidnaps him, and then Chris has to go through the serious trauma of. Well. Being strapped to a wall, forced to watch helplessly as Sonic fucking dies.
And he’s blaming himself for it too.
MAJOR shoutout to Kobayashi’s acting in this scene, holy crap. But he just screams, and then... BREAKS THROUGH METAL?? And GRABS the Chaos Emeralds despite them ELECTRIC SHOCKING HIM???
And then of course we get this incredibly subtle dialogue.
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"I will not let you have it. I will not let anyone have it. They’re only mine. Only me. Sonic... Sonic, you’re staying with me forever.”
Immediately after this, Chris almost fucking dies, and is only saved by Super Sonic. When he sees Super Sonic, he reacts by... begging. He drops down, clinging to Sonic and screaming and crying that he is nothing without Sonic.
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Chris literally yells that he can’t do anything without Sonic, because that’s how he felt before Sonic. He could not do anything to get anyone to care about him, it only happened when Sonic arrived. So that’s how he sees himself: useless, worthless.
Sonic of course stays, but then dips for six months. When he gets back, a fucking god attacks Chris’s neighborhood, destroying his city. He gets sent away for a month, but that’s interrupted by Sonic being declared a fugitive from the government. Then Chris ends up with Shadow. He gets kidnapped by the goth clone of his emotional support hedgehog. He bonds with the goth clone. He gets the shit beaten out of him begging the goth clone to help save the world. It works, and Shadow runs off to save the planet. And then DIES.
You can tell how traumatized Chris is by this in the next episode. He’s disassociating again, staring at nothing, and eventually asks his uncle if he thinks they can actually live in the same world.
Which is followed by...
Part VIII: The Season Two Finale
We get the rather worrying scene of Chris having to write an essay for his school about his ideal future. Literally all he can think of is that he wants to stay with Sonic forever. He has no other ideals for the future. Just being attached to Sonic.
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Only to go downstairs and find out that Sonic HAS to leave. They ALL have to leave. Their dimensions are caving in on themselves and they need to separate.
So he enters the Denial stage of grief.
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He seems... dazed. Like he’s in a trance, as he argues that Sonic can’t leave, that all he wants to do is be with Sonic, that he can’t be apart from Sonic because he’s only been able to do things since Sonic got here. This was the first time he’s had agency in his life and he places it all on Sonic.
He decides that it must be Eggman’s fault and literally tracks him down. When he finds out that it’s not Eggman’s fault, he is distraught, and what’s interesting to me is that Eggman seems to get it. He just tells his robots to let him go. Let him be alone. Let him accept it.
Chris then falls back into the depression/disassociation during the entire farewell. He doesn’t emote, he just stares ahead. Something they cut in the English version is that while Chris is politely saying goodbye, throughout the whole scene you can hear his inner monologue screaming. Crying not to let them leave.
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So he doesn’t.
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The penultimate episode of Season Two is the culmination of Chris’s arc and they do it so beautifully.
Sonic knows Chris is going through a breakdown, and he lets him figure it out for himself. He lets him run off with him, he lets him make the decisions about where they go. Chris starts to realize this but says nothing. They see his tearful parents on TV begging him to come home and he... groans and leaves.
The episode also subtley shows Chris doing things himself. Climbing up the mountain, picking their roads. Sonic is slowly trying to let Chris know he has his own agency. That he is his own person.
They get to the campsite that meant a lot to Chris in his childhood, one of the only times that his parents hung out with him, and he breaks. Asks Sonic why he doesn’t hate him. Why he hangs out with him. If he only hangs out with him out of obligation.
And he comes to the conclusion himself that no, he can’t keep Sonic here. He can’t keep Sonic away from his world just because he has attachment issues. It was what he knew was right in Season One but couldn’t get himself to understand no matter how hard he tried. But now he gets it. And now he can let Sonic go.
The episode is soooo good, sooo fucking good. And then in the season finale, when we see the aftermath of that, when Sonic takes him on one last run and... he sees Sonic crying? Realizes that Sonic does love him and still lets him go? It’s impactful. It’s emotional.
Then when his parents come get him and he just smiles? Because he realizes they did come for him? That if Sonic can love him without obligation, maybe other people do too?
Chris’s severe attachment issues and trauma from being neglected culminated in this episode, and he made a bad choice. And then he made the right one. And that’s so good.
Part IX: Some Season Three Notes
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Chris’s inclusion in the third season was... weird. It felt like they didn’t want to animate his adult model so they shoved him into a child body and made an excuse for it. But honestly, after traveling there, you can kinda... tell how much Chris has grown.
He was trying to get back to Sonic, but not because he needed him, but because they were friends. He and his friends wanted to see their friends again. He only went alone because he had a sense Sonic was in danger. And even in the twelve-year-old body, he’s an adult now and he acts like it. His only real emotional issue is that he is upset he can’t fight as well in his kid body, but then he figures out he can be useful with his inventions and finds a place with Tails. He’s basically parenting the rest of them for the rest of the season, telling Cosmo that her impulsiveness reminds him of his younger self. He offers to give up a way to return home because he knows the Metarex problem is bigger than himself.
At the end, when Eggman offers him a way home, you can tell they expected him to freak out about it. They’re shocked when he just says thank you, cries, and leaves immediately. They clearly not only will miss him, but they expected him to freak out like he did at the age of twelve. But he’s not twelve anymore. He’s spent the last six years surrounded by people who love him, healing from his trauma, and becoming his own person. So now he isn’t unhealthily attached to Sonic, and he can say goodbye if he has to. That growth, so subtly in the background of the season, really impressed me.
Part X: Fandom Reaction
On June 24 2022, I posted this meme to both twitter and tumblr.
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On tumblr I got no pushback and a few agreements. On twitter I got a tidal wave of discourse, which tells you a lot about the two sites but regardless, this is the first time I get to ratio my commenters cause as of today, it has 23.4k likes and only 161 replies and 156 quote tweets. So that’s barely over 300 people (TOPS, considering several replies were positive) arguing against 23,400. So I may not be the only one thinking this!
But even still, with this being my most viral post atm, I got so many people bitching about Chris still. Even after all these years, he’s despised for being so annoying. And what is it? Is it really the fact that he got main charactered over Sonic? Really, I thought that was a plus of the show, that Sonic was a static figure that influenced what was around him. It doesn’t work for every Sonic property, but it did for this one. Was it just a hatred for humans in the franchise? Probably not, everyone loved Helen and the recent movies.
I really do think a vast majority of it is his realistic reaction to the trauma of neglect. “Ugly” trauma symptoms, like attachment issues, impulsive destructive behavior, aggressiveness, and selfishness, they are not looked upon kindly. Just look at how TikTok picks and chooses cute parts of mental illnesses and calls the rest “toxic.” And yes, sometimes mental illness can cause you to be toxic! And sometimes you’re just mentally ill! Sometimes you just have bad days and bad decisions and horrible mental states, and sometimes, life gets better. Sometimes life gets better and you begin to heal, and that’s what Chris’s arc was about, about him slowly gaining his own agency and starting to heal from his abandonment trauma. And he does this through the help of others. But with him having several moments where he reverts, several moments where his healing is non-linear, viewers see it as an annoying personality trait, not a trauma symptom he is trying to overcome. And one that he does. I cannot emphasize enough that he does overcome this and that the narrative specifically focuses on it. I’ve seen so many people say it was a writing flaw, that they never criticized Chris for his attachment to Sonic... it’s the focus of two season finales, what are you talking about? I think at that point, it’s just you.
Just think about why you find him annoying. You do not have to like Chris as a character but please recognize that his arc is a realistic portrayal of a neglected child and that’s why he is the way he is.
Part XI: Conclusion
I was gonna write a full-ass conclusion here but tumblr’s already trying to kill me over wordcount so uh. tl;dr Chris isn’t annoying he’s a traumatized child and this is something the narrative notices, examines, and resolves. What this means is that it’s not a writing problem, it’s a character flaw brought on by trauma that his character arc makes him heal from.
Leave him alone.
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drdemonprince · 2 years ago
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I know people got angry about the "talking about caffeine like any other drug" thing but I think it's so helpful not just to discuss the arbitrary lines between legal and illegal substances but also for informed consent purposes *with* caffeine itself. For example my use of alcohol has changed drastically since reading Unmasking Autism because I didn't realize I was only able to interact with allistics in the context of relaxed social rules when everybody was drinking. Now that I have that information my decisions around it are much different (basically using alcohol only when I *want* to get the feelings it gives me, and when I have to interact with people using other coping strategies instead).
I can't quit caffeine right now, but I might reduce its use in the future and only use it when I want that caffeinated feeling and not to keep up with work like I do now. Which I didn't even think about before, precisely because even though I rationally knew it was a drug I never thought of it as a "drug-drug".
Yo yessss thank you!!! Informed consent means being fully apprised of the risks and benefits of a substance, and having the freedom to choose when to use it. Currently, very few of us enjoy that level of empowered freedom with just about any substance that we use.
Our doctors don't tell us about all the risks of the drugs we are on (I'm still bitter as hell nobody told me that my muscle development would be stunted by going on hormonal birth control at 18!!! and that it would give me lasting breast growth), and the substances that are not medically prescribed but legal are ones that many of us quaff without thought, and without ever being told the effects of. For instance, did you know prolonged use of Benadryl increases the risk of developing Alzheimers??? I didn't! and i was using that shit to fall asleep and regulate anxiety for a time!!
In the United States in particular there is no open conversation with young people about the potential effects of alcohol, how the drug can act like a mild stimulant in smaller doses but then ricochet into massively depressing effects after hours of use, with an anxiety spike hours beyond that as it leaves the system. We don't talk to people about the effects of caffeine -- and that it's not necessarily normal for so many people to deal with daily gastric issues, trouble falling asleep, trouble sitting still, and intense irritability all day long as presently do.
Some people are just like that, some people have anxiety disorders and benefit from anti-anxiety meds to treat those symptoms, some people find ways of coping with it that involve mindfulness or meditation or whatever else -- but a great number of people who experience these issues are only going through them because they're on caffeine and they're working too hard. And what they've come to believe is an inevitable part of their chemistry is in fact economically and socially created from the outside, and could be prevented if they were only able to stop.
but many of them can't stop. because of capitalism. and so they aren't informed about the real risks & costs of the substances they are using, and they aren't freely able to revoke their (dubious) consent.
meanwhile as someone who only started using weed regularly about a year and a half ago and who is now curious about trying psychedelics, ive been lovingly inundated in helpful tips, usage guides, listings of various strains and their distinct effects, lab results testing doses, etc from the people I know who are passionate about those substances and want to ensure that anybody else using them has a good time.
I don't want to paint these substances with a pollyannaish brush either -- weed can trigger hallucinations and psychotic episodes in some segments of the population, a fact that too many ardent weed heads ignore -- but the difference in the level of control I have over my experience as a weed user and the utter lack of information and self-determination I have when seeking out prescribed meds, or even ingesting caffeine, is unreal.
So many foods covertly contain caffeine or openly are caffeinated yet don't document how many milligrams of the substance it has, for example. It's impossible to safely and responsibly use a substance when you don't even know how much you're getting, and it's bizarre we're all being dosed with stimulants all day long often without even realizing it.
this might seem like a low-importance example, and people will say to me dismissively that caffeine doesn't ruin any lives, but when I look back on how much I've used the substance to further my eating disorder and how many people i've been short and cruel-tempered with over the years because i was downing cups and cups of the stuff all day without reflection, i'm not sure i believe that argument.
but of course all roads in this conversation lead back to capitalism. i wouldnt have been drinking this stuff with abandon if i hadn't been trying to shove three days of work into a single 8 hours, and if my culture and economic system hadn't been foisting the stuff on me from day one.
my uncle says that i was always a deeply anxious kid, i guess it was something that my grandmother fretted about as well, and yet when i decided in my teens to start boosting that anxiety with caffeine every day, and became even more moody and negative, nobody connected the dots, and nobody thought to warn me. and why would they, nobody warned them.
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whatissleepeven · 4 years ago
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Okay so imagine the brothers are offered back their divinity if they kill the MC. How would they react? (Oh or for more angst- get back Lilith in exchange for MC’s life?)
Ohohoho, is this angst hour I sense? Thank you for this ask, and I’m...sorry in advance for the heavy feelings-
(Me: Okay angst time, time to play the appropriate song
*begins playing Spiderman Pizza Delivery Theme*
Me: let’s begin)
Trigger Warnings: Panic Attack (Beel’s Prompt), PTSD Symptoms (Also Beel’s Prompt), Talk of Loss
----------------------------
Obey Me! Brothers’ Reactions To An Ultimatum
Lucifer
Well, he certainly does think about it.
No, not about the divinity...but about Lilith.
They could have her back in their lives? All for the price of one human?
This human, who has caused him nothing but grief and throws themselves head-first into danger.
If this was towards the beginning of the program, he’d be more inclined to take it-
But he doesn’t.
He can’t do that to you. Not you. You, who had repaired their broken family. You, who had seen all of their flaws and strengths and passions and fears and embraced them.
You, who continues to smile so brightly and say his name with utmost faith in him.
He lowers his arm. You look fearful, but...resigned. Like it will be fine, like it was okay if he killed you.
He hates it.
“Does your life matter to you that little?”
You smile sadly, and a small portion of him wants to scream. No no no, it cries out, this isn’t how you’re supposed to be! Your smiles aren’t supposed to be full of sorrow!
“Your sister meant-...means a lot to you. To all of you. Who am I to take that away, huh?”
He walks over to you, his steps measured. You close your eyes, waiting for the killing blow-
A weight settles on your head, giving it a few rubs. “You are worth more than you could ever know. Remember that.”
He continues to walk, heading out the door. A few tears drip from your face onto the floor.
He could care less about his divinity. If he had to choose here or the Celestial Realm, he’d much rather stay here. He knows, deep in his heart, that Lilith lived a long and successful life.
You, however, are irreplaceable.
Mammon
“H-Hey...ya gotta be kidding me.”
“Well?” You grin, holding your arms out. Your stance is peaceful, like all you’re asking for is a hug. But he knows better.
Divinity and Lilith? All for killing-...
For killing you?
He hates this. He hates the look in your eyes, hates the trust you’re showing him, and hates your bleeding heart that’s just waiting to be taken for granted. Hell, it already has been taken for granted.
“What do you think you’re doin’, playin’ the hero? Wanting to sacrifice yourself? You think that’ll make us happy?!” Tears gather in the corners of his eyes.
You lower your arms, shocked. “Wha-”
You let out a small oomph as he tackles you into a hug, pulling you close.
“You’re trembling, ya idiot.” He mumbles, and you feel something wet drip onto your shirt. He’s crying, you realize. He’s crying because this hurts him.
“Mammon...I-”
He pulls back to clamp his hands down onto your shoulders. “Save it!” He barks forcefully, making you blink. “Ya really thought I’d give all this up? For something that’s already happened? I like what we got goin’ here. My brothers like this life way better than the ones we had in the Celestial Realm. Everyone’s happier lately, and it’s ‘cause of you.”
The minute trembling that ran through your body before returns in full force, tears pooling forth as you grip his shirt. He pulls you back into the hug, and you feel safe. That’s right; he’s your number one protector, the Avatar of Greed.
How could you forget that?
He grins, reaching a hand up to ruffle your hair in a playful manner. You laugh thickly, your tears still falling. “You’re stuck with the Great Mammon, and don’tcha forget it!”
Because you are his priceless treasure. Not Lilith, not some stupid divinity...
You.
Leviathan
Leviathan has always been the outcast.
His passions, his fears, his confidence...All of those are wildly different from his brothers’. He’s not as close as Beel and Belphie are, or as Lucifer and Mammon are, or as Asmo and Satan are.
He’s the black sheep of the family.
“Y-You’re leaving it up to me...?”
You nod. Oh, how he wishes this was just a run-through of an anime script. You two would spend long hours into the night reading the lines and acting them out, repeating each scene until it was done flawlessly.
But reality is far too cruel.
“It’s your family. Your story. I’m just a side character, if you will.”
Your smile is cynical. He wants nothing more than to throw his spare Ruri-chan blanket around your shoulders and force you to marathon the entire series of “I Love My Best Friend But I Get Everything Back If I Kill Them...I Have A Choice To Make!”.
He takes a step forward. Then another. “You...Why would you do that?”
You laugh, a warm sound that serves to make his stomach knot with dread.
“Because I love you guys, why else?”
Silence. He doesn’t know what to say. What’s the right thing to do? What can he do, with his small confidence?
He’s struck with a memory, of the two of you gaming in his room. He had felt terrible due to his brothers critiquing his love for anime to the point he started to berate himself for it, and you merely patted his shoulder while telling him words he’d never forget.
“There’s things only you can do, Levi. So when you start to overthink...just feel, and let your body handle the rest.”
It’s time to take you up on your advice.
“Ghk-!” You stumble as he lunges at you, the both of you toppling to the floor. He’s crying, clinging to you like a lifeline.
“I-I could never kill the Henry to my Lord of Shadows...Every Lord of Shadows only has one Henry...!!”
Leviathan has always been the outcast. He still is, but when he’s with you he feels like he belongs.
Satan
“No.”
“...Huh.” You blink at him. You’re not sure if you heard him right. Did he just-...say “no”?
“No.” He says again, his eyes narrowing. “Please tell me you’re joking about this.”
Why? Why would you throw away your life like that? For their “happiness”? Give him a break.
“What do you think you’re accomplishing by doing this?” His voice starts quiet, growing in volume as he steps towards you. You backpedal, not expecting the angered response, which only serves to fuel his fury.
“Do you think it’d make us happy? Do you think we’d jump at the chance to sacrifice you for something that’s better long forgotten? Do you really think so little of us? Well? ANSWER ME!!”
You flinch as he gets in your personal space, only to freeze when arms wrap around you and squeeze you tight.
“I was born from Lucifer’s wrath, the only bona-fide demon among my other brothers. For a long time, all I knew was anger and hate,” he whispers, stubbornly refusing to look at your shocked gaze. “I began to read to learn more, to be able to feel other emotions. But the anger and hate stayed, concealed by the thin veil I constructed to make myself more likeable. More polite. More charming.”
He wanted nothing to do with Lucifer. He wanted it so bad it hurt. So he built himself a brand-new personality, becoming someone others could rely on, all so he could spite him.
And then you came along.
Your eyes water as you realize that you feel him shaking. “I never met her, you know, but I’ve seen her through his eyes. I feel his lingering pain, and sometimes it makes me want to tear my own chest out,” he says, voice wobbling. “But to ask you to do that...to give you up for something I have no right to feel upset about...it’s something I won’t do. Ever. Not when you saved me.”
You rest your hand on his back as you return the hug, a choked sob escaping you. “Satan, I-”
“You saved me.” He whispers fervently. “Do you understand? That means everything.”
You claw the back of his shirt, your breath hitching as you succumb to your tears. You both end up falling to the floor, hugging each other like your lives depend on it.
He doesn’t need divinity he’s never had. No, not when he has you.
Asmodeus
“Oh, love...you...”
He could go back? He could go back and get his little sister back?
But if he did, then you’d-...you’d...
“I know how much you miss being the Jewel of the Heavens.” You say, sitting next to him. It’s supposed to be a quiet night, one where you both relax and take care of each other, but then this opportunity appeared and-
He...didn’t know what to do.
- No, that was a lie. He knew exactly what to do. There was only ever one option for him.
“I’m hurt.”
You look over at him, surprised. His voice is small and he’s pouting, but there’s a tremble in his bottom lip as his eyes shine with unshed tears.
“I’m hurt, you know!” He repeats, and by now you’re pretty sure your mouth hangs open. “I’m hurt that you’d think so low of me!”
You scramble to explain. “Asmo, that’s not-”
“But it is!” He cries, interrupting you. “It’s exactly that! Did you think I would actually take that chance?!”
Your eyes soften. You go to place a hand on his shoulder, only to still when he slaps it away. “...Asmo.”
He throws himself at you, wrapping his arms around your neck as he clings to you. You don’t have the heart to throw him off, wrapping your own arms around him.
“We’ve come all this way because of you.” He murmurs against you. “And you’re the only one who loves me for me. Although, my looks are definitely a strong point-”
You chuckle weakly, feeling your own tears start to fall. He smiles once he hears you, happy to know that he lifted your mood even if it was just by a little.
“-if I gave you up, these past years would have been for nothing. So, no; I won’t do it. Besides, have you seen the following I have down here? I’m on my way to becoming the Jewel of Devildom!”
You move one hand to rest on his head, a warm smile spreading across your face. You don’t notice how he looks at your expression with awe and adoration, giving his head a few pats.
“I know you can do it.”
Well. With you by his side, he can do anything.
Beelzebub
This isn’t happening. This- This can’t be happening.
Not again...not again...!
He grasps his chest and stumbles back from you, and he hears the way you call his name with worry in your voice. You sound far away, he thinks to himself. Are you already dead? Where is he? Did he fail again? Is this the Celestial War? Maybe that’s why he smells iron, hears screaming, hears himself screaming. It’ll explain the pain at least, and he would chuckle if he wasn’t too busy gasping for air.
Ah, his heart feels like it’s on fire it hurts so bad. Is it tearing itself in two? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what to do...he doesn’t know who to choose-
It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. It hurts...!
“Beel, can you hear me? Take deep breaths. Okay? Please, breathe!”
- Huh?
He feels something on his face. What is that?
Oh, this warmth...It’s almost like-
Your name falls from his lips. You sigh in relief, sitting back.
“I’m glad you’re okay. How do you feel?”
How do you feel? You just said it was okay if he chose his angel status and Lilith over you, and you’re asking him how do you feel?
He lowers his hands, frowning at you. “...Why did you ask me?”
His voice is small. Fragile. Your heart breaks at the sound of it, tears building as you see his form shake.
“Why did you ask me, when the last time I did something I murdered my sister?”
You pat his arm, reaching a hand over to give him a side hug. “Remember what Lucifer said. She wasn’t murdered; she lived happily as a human, right up until she died of old age.”
All the more reason not to do it.
He sinks into your hold. You shoulder his weight with no complaints. “I can’t do it. You’re family; I-” he swallows past the lump in his throat, tears streaming down his face. “...I love you too much.”
Because he could care less about his angel status. Because Lilith already lived her life of peace. It still hurts, but you were the one to hold his hand when he had nightmares. You were the one who saw past his intimidating form and hung out with him.
You are important, and Beelzebub will take on the Celestial Realm himself if anything happened to you.
Belphegor
...He’s quiet.
Well, it’s to be expected. He hates humanity, and it’s his younger sister we’re talking about here, not to mention how close they were.
“So?” You ask as you lean back, the wall of the planetarium supporting your weight. “I don’t mind if you choose her and your status. It’s-”
“I could give a rat’s ass about my status as an angel.” He snaps. “Just shut up for a second and listen.”
You shut your mouth. What were you gonna say to that? An angry Belphie is not a Belphie to speak lightly with.
You jolt a bit as you feel hands lightly smack against your cheeks, smooshing your face. He tugs your head so that you’re staring at him, and it’s then that you notice how his eyes waver.
“I killed you,” he says, his brows furrowing, “I killed you. And yet you’d let me choose?”
You snort, raising a hand to cover his own. “Yep. Your move, Sleeping Beauty.”
He doesn’t understand. Why would you give him that power? He had robbed you from your family when he took your life. He temporarily washed out your future.
Did you really trust him that much...?
“It tore Beel and I apart when we learned she was dead. I-...I blamed myself.” He starts, and you don’t have the heart to stop him. Not when you already made peace with your end. “I started eating less, sleeping more. I despised Lucifer, and I despised all of humanity for taking my little sister away from me.”
You remained quiet. He lets out a frustrated huff, shaking you a bit.
“And then you came. You freed me from that place, you mended what was broken, and you-...you forgave me. And I will never betray that trust; not now, and not in the future.”
He bumps his forehead against yours, closing his eyes. You close yours as well, feeling the tears drip from your face and onto the floor. He’s...choosing you? Over everything he’s ever wanted?
What did you do to deserve someone like him in your life?
“So don’t you forget it, you idiot.”
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ahmementos · 2 years ago
Text
Hazards of The Job
I'm not sure if I'll manage all the prompts as real life kinda went wild, but I'll still write some for the rest of the month on a pick and choose basis.
Febuwhump Day 11 : Fever
Happy Ending On Ao3
You didn’t just have a fever, not in Leon’s line of work.  It was worse than a typical person googling their symptoms on WebMD.  You had to figure out when the last time you had a dangerous mission was.  You had to double and triple check your body for cuts or abrasions that looked infected in the worst way possible the doctors might have missed.  If you had a fever, you had to report it to work so their doctors could run a multitude of tests.  
When you already had a prior infection inside you, it sent you down a never ending spiral of dread and anxiety.  Your mind plays tricks on you.  You start to remember every pain you had when infected.  You cross reference the aches and pains you currently have with the ones you had over a decade ago that were as fresh as remembering what you did or didn’t have for breakfast.  
When you hear the front door to the apartment open up, you dread giving Chris that key.  “It’s a fever,” Leon groaned, too weak to do much else from his position on the bed.  “Get the fuck out.”
“You have been at a desk doing paperwork for a week and before that it was training at the on-site range.”  Chris brought in two bags of food that contained what looked to be soup containers.  “It is probably the flu that’s going around at work.”
“Got my flu shot,” Leon mumbled against his pillow.
“And we both know that shit doesn’t always stop it from happening.”  Chris grabbed the thermometer from the nightstand.  “Open up.”  
Leon didn’t fight the order.
“Don’t let that fall,” Chris added as he pulled out what was very clearly soup from one of the bags.  “If you turn into a zombie, I’ll shoot you, okay?”
Leon rolled his eyes; obviously taking his temperature was a tactic to shut him up, not that he had the energy to really sass him back anyway.
The electronic beep told Chris the temp was taken and he pulled the thermometer away and stared at the numbers.  “What was it earlier?”
“102.”
Chris nodded.  “It’s 100.9 now.  Our lines of infection to worry about run upwards to 104.”  He sat down on the bed and smoothed his hand against Leon’s warm skin.  “Unfortunately for you and your death wish, you just might live.”
“Fuck you,” he mumbled but allowed Chris to help him sit up against pillows.  “I feel like shit.”
“It’s a pretty bad flu this year.”  He dipped the spoon into the container and moved the soup closer to Leon’s mouth.  “You have to eat.”
Leon stared at the soup and the moving contents slithering in and out of the broth.  “It’s moving.”  He looked up at the drooling monstrosity that was definitely not Chris and was too weak to move.  “Jesus fucking Christ…”
*
“Leon, wake up!”  
The feeling of Chris’ hands on his shoulders jolted him back to consciousness.  “Fuck,” was all he could get out before he had to lean away from Chris and vomit.  Black liquid splashed against the broken cement he’d been sitting down on.  It may have been blood but the darkness of the abandoned sewer entrance made it all seem black.  Knowing his luck, it was black, which meant the infection had progressed to a dangerous point.
“Are you still you?”  Chris gestured to his side at the soldier who had a gun trained on Leon’s forehead to make him stand down.  
“Just kill me.”  It was jarring to be in one place then suddenly meet the glaring reminder that you were actually infected while on duty and waiting on an antivirus that might not even work.  They’d vacated the lab and found a sewer tunnel entrance just beyond the facility to keep Leon secure while a cure was located.  
Second time in a row, too, and Leon wasn’t sure his luck was going to hold for a second miracle.  Did he want to die?  No, but he also didn’t want to become the job, either.
The soldier lowered the weapon.  “Yeah, that’s Kennedy.”
Chris might have growled under his breath before he started removing enough of Leon’s jacket to have access to his shoulder.  “I told you,” he said softly.  “You aren’t dying today, damn it.”
Leon was sure he looked amazing, black liquid already drying against his lips and his hair plastered from sweat against his forehead.  “I was looking forward to it.”  He didn’t wince when the injection burned through his body; the fever cooking him from the inside out decided the antivirus just felt like a slight tickle.  
“Now we wait.”  Chris gestured for the soldier to guard outside the perimeter.  “I told you if it doesn’t work, I’ll handle it.  Go guard the entrance.”
“Yes sir.”  
Leon didn’t watch the soldier leave but the heavy boots signaled his departure.  Gravel shuffled in cadence with footfalls retreating outside the broken down sewer entrance they’d bunkered down in.  It left the suffocating presence of Chris Redfield’s overwhelming guilt and possible looming loss.  “I’m sorry.”
“Shut up, Leon.”  Chris had his handgun out but his other hand was holding Leon’s.  “You’re going to be fine.”
“I don’t want to be another loss you shut down over.”  Leon couldn’t bring himself to look at him.  He couldn’t stand to see those puppy dog eyes.  He didn’t want to recognize that impending dread lining Chris’ face.  “I can do it myself.”
“No one is doing anything right now.”  Chris didn’t outright sound defeated, but he sounded uncharacteristically quiet.
Leon’s fingers attempted to grip Chris’ hand tighter but he could only manage a light squeeze.  “This isn’t your fault, Chris.”  
They both knew he was going to blame himself, regardless of the outcome.  
“Just put a barricade up and go finish the mission.”  Leon tried to sit up and fell against the bricks for his efforts.  “I’ll either be recovering when you get done or I’ll need to be put down when you get back.”
“Mission is being handled.”  Chris tried to reach out and help him sit up but Leon shook his head.  
“Without the commanding officer.”  Leon swallowed down bile; he refused to vomit a second time with Chris sitting there.
Chris nodded.  “They can handle it.”
“You can’t handle this though.”  Leon managed to turn his head and finally looked at Chris.  “I don’t know if I can handle having to look you in the eyes if you have to put me down.”
“I can’t handle leaving you here, worrying out there if you are even going to be you when I get back.”
Leon forced his other hand to rest on top of Chris’.  “You’re an idiot.”
Chris almost seemed to relax at the insult.  “I love you, too, asshole.”
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