#i do actually like learning- it’s why i keep going back for degrees and shit

[excelsior9173]

spent my morning on the phone with an advisor and i think i have my educational future sorted out a bit!

i’m going back to school in january! yay! i need 3 classes and then i can apply to the nursing college 😊 after a four year bachelor’s of science in nursing, i am planning on taking an advanced diploma in psychiatric nursing!

when all is said and done i can challenge my exams to be licensed as a registered nurse and a registered psychiatric nurse.

exciting things are in the works in exieland! never ever thought i’d be a nurse but honestly it’s been calling to me more and more. i was mostly starting down this path so that i would have a (somewhat) reliable career, but i truly think i will enjoy it

[neverendingford]

.

[apple-onigiri]

a distillation of adolescent rage within bonnie

as promised, here's a bit of an analysis of bonnie, specifically of how much their character is defined and fueled by anger, where that anger is coming from, and how much exactly of it is genuine and how much is there just to feel a bit more safe and a bit less confused. because man, bonnie is so well-written, it needs to be talked about more, and this aspect of them is especially handled really well

i also love them deeply, there's that. okay let's go team

to establish the facts: bonnie being angry is really the first thing we learn about them, and what siffrin's first association with them is at the point where we meet the party. it's even in their first memory's description. see? right there.

and i mean, they have a full right to be, don't they? the country is in a crisis. and while they've grown close to the rest of the party, the reason they're traveling with them in the first place is because they had to run away from their town, which they probably don't remember ever leaving beforehand, and leave their sister behind because she got frozen in time.

this is some scary stuff, especially for a kid, whose peace of mind relies on stability and familiarity. any turmoil introduced into even something as small as a daily routine can seriously mess them up, much less a separation from their one trusted guardian and a displacement of such a degree. i shudder to think what their thought process was when they were running from the curse before siffrin spotted them and the party took them in - they must've been so scared. i can't think about that too long or i feel like crying tho let's move on ok

bonnie is obviously mad at the king. they're so angry. well, who wouldn't be? he's the cause of all this. they want vengeance, they want justice, they want to help take him down! and doing only things they're limited to by the adults in the group feels like it's not enough.

this is a bit of a sidenote but this conversation hints at just how anxious bonnie's attachment style is. we know nille ran away with them from home and are given not much detail besides that, if only because bonnie was tiny and doesn't remember much of that, but both the fact that you don't have to remember something for it to shape the way you are and the fact that nille is probably pretty busy keeping both herself and her little sibling alive may be the reasons for bonnie's fear of abandonment and need to be useful

bonnie's entire friendquest stems from them needing to feel like they're contributing more, that's why they ask siffrin to teach them how to fight. and they ask siffrin specifically because they, despite their strained relationship at the moment, hold him in high regard and trust him to say if something is actually off-limits because, in their mind, he doesn't baby them needlessly.

that's rare for a kid, to not be overly coddled.

ok, back on track from the attachment style tangent, rise rise rise where is your rage back on

bonnie is even more mad at the king when they finally are facing him. and he's crying and despairing, and having the gall to act all pathetic. and bonnie can't take that. they have been so brave, keeping it together this entire time, and this guy, the cause of all this despair, dares to act like that? what gives him the right?

kids often default to expressing simpler emotions they can fully process and understand when an unexpected feeling corners them or when their defense system kicks in and deems an emotion too harmful to fully experience; they round up to the closest emotion they can and go with that. bonnie is, of course, angry, but they're also full of fear about everything that's happening that's getting tuned out for their own self-preservation, and they feel a lot of indignation and confusion about this adult that doesn't even have the decency to have his shit together to the same degree bonnie does. bonnie doesn't understand him or why he did what he did, and it feels unfair that they were staying strong and the king can just fall apart like that. but anger is easier, so it all gets rounded to that.

recognizing the layers of bonnie's emotions and how one is caused by another is key to understanding them as a character. but honestly, the king isn't the strongest example we've got to show this, however - siffrin is a better one.

we're introduced to bonnie with them acting distant towards siffrin. only in act 1 are we able to experience what the natural dynamic between those two has been ever since siffrin lost their eye, and it's genuinely a little heartbreaking. it's a lot of siffrin being awkward and jumpy, unsure how to approach bonnie, and bonnie being huffy and disconnected, not really playing into the conversation.

things are tense and neither of them is equipped to diffuse the situation. it's so, so sad because context clues tell us they used to be close - siffrin was the first one to call bonnie "bonbon" but he doesn't do that anymore, bonnie avoids even just eye contact with him, and the way they're acting is clearly something siffrin believes to be a sign of bonnie decidedly not liking them anymore.

(this "being hated" is a surprise tool that will help us later)

while we don't know why things are the way they are at first, we later learn that it's because siffrin doesn't see getting hurt while protecting bonnie as a big deal. and bonnie is upset that he got really, really seriously hurt to the point of losing an eye and he's just waving it off. there's a few things at hand here that go into bonnie's seemingly simple reaction.

the issue here largely comes from siffrin's avoidance of talking about their internal state. because they waved things off, not wanting to talk about it, bonnie didn't have the chance to talk things through either, and process them healthily. the guilt, fear and sadness stemming from someone you care about getting hurt because they kept you safe all go unaddressed.

additionally, there's a cognitive distortion that kids often suffer from where they think everything happening is their fault, even when they were in no way involved in causing it, may play a part here. because their world is just so small, if kids can't pin the blame on something else (since it may be something they're not aware of or too vague), it doesn't compute, so they immediately place the blame on themselves.

there's of course an additional doom spiral of bonnie acting closed off, siffrin taking it as them hating him, and bonnie taking that as siffrin drifting away, and the cycle perpetuating because no one in the party wants to budge into this. everyone is allergic to communication.

the crux of it is, bonnie isn't really angry at siffrin, not in the way they are at the king. it's just easier for their preteen brain to categorize what they're feeling as anger, as a defense mechanism, and point those emotions outwards instead of keeping them inside. it's easier to lash out than regurgitate those feelings and let them eat away at them. so they act out, and scream, and call siffrin stupid.

and we have one than one example of bonnie lashing out with anger because that's the easiest option. it's certainly easier than figuring out what emotions they're exactly feeling and dealing with them without admitting they're a kid that doesn't understand how to do it alone.

among them is of course the way they act when they overhear the others talking about what to do if anyone dies, and the connected rotten adults event. after that safe room, bonnie is remarkably closed off, and if you go to the poem room, they read the book on funerary rites and then pointedly pretend to not do so when asked what they're doing.

it's an incredibly exemplary interaction, i think. because they're surprised, we get an almost step by step for their thought process, and it goes a bit like this:

i didn't mean for you to see me look at this and i want you to not know about it -> stop talking like you know what i was doing because i don't want you to know about it -> i want you to think it's nothing important so that you're not more interested -> i'll tell you i'm okay because that may make you think you don't need to look -> it's not working, so i'm going to tell you directly to stop looking at what i'm doing, or at me, because, again, i don't want you to know i'm in distress -> i'm feeling a lot of things so i need to expel them in some way, "shut up" -> this is isn't working, i need to deflect and give you something else to focus on

this avoidance and giving over the reins to anger instead of processing anything is something bonnie resorts to a lot when overloaded by a lot of different emotions they can't deal with

in bonnie's mind, talking about it is bad because it's distressing, and scary, and makes them think of awful scenarios they don't want to come true, and not talking about it means not feeling all that, and that's surely better. there's also that defense mechanism at work, the externalizing of negative emotions and pointing them outward instead of letting them hurt the inside. and it kicks in on full throttle when siffrin tries to comfort bonnie.

anyone who's been in an adolescent age in their life can recognize this emotion. wanting someone to just go away, leave you alone, stop talking about something or doing something. to bonnie, if you don't talk about something, it's not real, and siffrin comforting them a. anchors the cause of their state in reality, b. confirms they don't have everything together because they needed comforting in the first place. and that's no good! so they act out. it's like a deimatic behavior, a tactic to scare off something that you would otherwise have no choice but to give in to. they're not unlike a cat hissing and puffing up to seem bigger. you know those spicy kitten videos where they just do firecracker noises at a human hand closing in on them? yeah.

and it works!! to an inordinate degree because the object of it was siffrin who a. is extremely prone to believing people hate him, b. entered a time loop because he cares so much about these people and staying with them. told you that surprise tool would come back. in bonnie's defense, people usually don't rewind time when you do that, and just back off until your emotional state is calm enough that you can talk without feeling like imploding.

it's alright, siffrin just needs enough time to assemble their own thoughts before approaching bonnie again. and when he does, we see how to overcome the obstacle of an adolescent attempting to avoid a conversation concerning unpleasant feelings.

siffrin just gives bonnie space to experience those big feelings safely and explains calmly why something happened in the first place. when they try to avoid a conversation, he just gives them time to think about it instead of giving them any sort of pep-talk, and they talk it out calmly, and make a promise to reassure bonnie that they're both gonna keep each other safe. siffrin genuinely does a remarkable joke here. no one does it better than them nothing awful will ever happen. fans of love and friendship don't think too hard about end of act 3

to drive the point home, we get a bit of an awful reprise of bonnie lashing out as a self-defense tactic in act 5 because they're overwhelmed by just how upset siffrin made them by risking getting hurt on purpose just so they could be stronger. they do the same thing as before, resorting to throwing out hurtful words to scare off the source of all those intersecting negative feelings, and, since they can now, run away.

it needs to be understood that bonnie is not a kid pointlessly angry at nothing in particular and everything around them. their anger is in direct response to too many things happening at once and them having trouble processing all of it, and instead resorting to simplifying their emotions into one very primal one, and expelling it outwards in a form of them lashing out. they're going through an already confusing time of changes you're forced to go through during your adolescence - and a national curse-related crisis is not helping. when given the tools and space to process in an environment they feel is safe, they're not nearly as wrathful.

i guess the tl;dr is this - while they have a bit of a fiery personality and some of their rage is fully justified, bonnie for the most part acts out in anger because it feels like it's keeping them safe and allowing them to not bottle in things that are too confusing to them; it's already a scary world out there for a preteen entering the world of more complex emotions, and being far away from your sister and mid-way through a national crisis is making it even worse.

it might be a bit less noticeable because they spend most of the game upset at siffrin, so we don't see a lot of their sweeter side in one-on-one conversations as much, but honestly, they're such a sweet kid. so cute too, they're extremely endearing. it's no wonder the party is hell-bent on protecting them no matter what.

[likearhinestonecowgirl]

Deadpool Headcanons

cw:: mentions of sex and violence. it's wade lol

description:: goddess reader, wade is your boyfriend >:)

a/n:: wade and i are married irl so this is straight from the source

Wade likely meets you first. which is a nice way of saying he's been stalking you after having a legitimate romcom, slow motion, wind only in HIS (metaphorical) hair moment

once he finally introduces himself, your aggravation only leads (turns) him on

your way of cooing condescending, violent things as you accost this clown(?) sets it in stone - your the love of his fucking life

You shove Wade against the nearest wall. "I'm sure you're a.. special kid, but let's put on our listening caps." Your eyes practically pierce his soul, unblinking, pupils narrow and frustrated. "Go ahead." You release him and pat his head like an order. "On." You wait a beat, make sure he's listening- at least to the best of his ability. "Get in my way again and I will turn you into a fucking vegetable." You whisper yell, hardly realizing your nails are biting his jaw through his mask. "Thank you." With a curt grin and pat to his cheek, you saunter past him.

He grunts as he’s slammed against the wall, staring down at you with furrowed brows and a slowly growing grin. “This is not how my first dates usually go but I’m game.” He blurts out before you start speaking. He tilts his head at the mention of a listening cap, looking down at his hands as if one will materialize before you let him go. He blinks slowly and mimes putting a hat on before his head is shoved back against the wall at the force of your sudden grasp. He grins quickly at the fleeting feeling of nails sinking into flesh, chest heaving a touch before he mourns the loss of the sting almost instantly. As his skin stitches itself back together, he rouses himself from his starry eyed haze and starts after you. “How do you feel about Tahiti—maybe Turks and Caicos, I can’t exactly tan, but I feel like I can just sit out and burn.” He rambles, hot on your heels as he takes a selfish look of you before returning to the task at hand. What was it again? Right—planning your honeymoon. “How do you feel about hydrangeas, they smell like shit but, we could always settle for tulips.” He stops for a beat before continuing. “Fuck, you’re a great negotiator. Fine, we can do orchids.”

Wade is nothing if not good at wearing people down. that's how he eventually gets you to start laughing at his jokes, to smile cheekily instead of burning him with your stare or the venom in your tone

his personality is infectious and soon enough you two are attached at the hip

Despite his CVS receipt of red flags, Wade is a really good boyfriend

Wade is surprisingly attentive, but you truly are the most interesting, beautiful, sexy, delicious, thing that has ever graced his sorry fucking existence so how could he not spend his life fixating on you

he picks up on all the little things you like and goes out of his way to keep you smiling - only happy, fucked out tears are allowed for his girl

you can conjure up whatever you like, being a god, so his money is reserved for surprises - ringpops whenever the last is finished, food because you likely don't know how to cook (why learn when you can will a three course meal into life with a snap of your fingers) and Wade is banned from every kitchen for obvious reasons, and merch of himself with his moniker, name, and/or his symbol on it

Wade can be possessive and jealous to a degree, so showing you off is one of his greatest pleasures

if you wear his hoodie or a little pair of sleep shorts or panties with his name on it, the poor fuck will actually combust. should've worn his white pants

any time you go literally anywhere and meet someone new (ie dragging him along and making him pay for stuff) Wade takes the opportunity to make it known you are his

"Oh, have you met my WIFE?"

He beams to the cashier at the luxury store who truly thought they were about to robbed.

"Yea, she's my WIFE. We're MARRIED. It was a crisp afternoon and she threw me against the wall-"

All while his arm is secured around you, holding you to his side as he thumbs over your hip bone.

he'll likely say you're married before you even start enjoying his company. the moment you accept that unwrapped ring pop definitely covered in blood and lint, those metaphorical documents are signed. it's set in stone like the 11th fucking commandment. you'll be together forever

and you just go along with it. why not? being immortal gets boring after a few millenniums and this strange, poor mentally challenged man in spandex is pretty fun having around

the whole married bit goes on for so long you're not even sure if it's still a bit anymore

Wade uses the sanctity of your marriage in any situation - another guy with a gun on some mission copping a feel? "I'M MARRIED". someone brushes past him on the street? "I'M MARRIED". sees anyone look a little too long at you? "SHE'S MARRIED"

he'd kill and die for you over and over again. say the word and it's a done deal. that hypothetical guy who checked you out a little too long got a face full of gloved knuckles

want to keep his dick in a jar because Wade Jr. obviously brings you so much joy? say less. he knows a guy who can get him formaldehyde cheap

if Wade isn't busy showing you off in public, he's arguing with strangers on reddit about how you very much are his real life WIFE

ilovechappelroan: That's photoshop.

mercwithamouth1: it's not we took that picture together and her tits r real

webhead123: i think it's AI generated. see the blurry line where his cheek is apparently pressed against her head?

ilovechappelroan: Yea, mods should take this down.

mercwithamouth1: i have ur ip and im omw over she'll tell u herself WE ARE MARRIED and she will dox u bc she LOVES ME

webhead123: okay???? i already know where i live lol

"Hold this." Wade orders with a pouty huff and camera at the ready as he hands you a paper that reads i'm not a hostage don't ask me to blink twice

you two bicker and argue over random things (usually because you enjoy a reason to complain as it passes the time in your literally endless existence), but it's never anything of substance and usually under a veil of something condescending any sly

these stupid, teasing spats 9 times out of 10 end up with Wade soothing your brattiness by cooing little phrases and pulling you onto him in any way he can

"Don't pout, you're so sexy- fuck, I can't stay mad at you- what if I let you peg me?"

Wade doesn't mind this routine at all. it's just another reason for him to get his hands on you

he loves holding you, feeling the weight of your body against his - throwing you over his shoulder when you're being a brat, carrying you all day because his girl is "just too pretty walk", sat on his lap, chest, face (when he's been *really* good)

he'll do virtually anything to have you praise him, call yourself mommy and go on about how much of a good boy he is

he in turn responds to that comfort with a few pet names of his own - sweetheart, cupcake, the wind beneath my wings, my will to live or his favorite my future baby mama

nothing in the universe, not even the shittiest of writers he's handed, could take him away from you

he's content just having you, knowing you're his - BUT he does have a little fantasy he's shared a few hundred time of really having you. a pretty thing, a trophy who sits at home and waits for him to walk through the door covered in blood and guts. you can't go outside, it's just not safe out there for his baby, so he'll always be with you. dress you in nice things, show you off, shower you in affection, heed your every whim. you'd be slaves to each other

and why would you protest? sounds fun

[sevinagreatergood]

I am on my way to become a teacher. In the Netherlands we have various routes on how to become one. I got my degree at becoming a teacher assistant. Which means I assist the teacher in everything, from handling kids to preparing classes and giving lessons.

My love for Snape comes from that place. Snaters often say I shouldn't give class and such. Well the kids adore me, I get tons of tiny gifts from kids who would say otherwise than the snaters do. I don't get money gifts but I get tiny shiny rocks, stickers, glitter stones, drawings, you name it.

Sure, in my dutch culture, a teacher like Snape wouldn't be socially accepted immediately. But if the school in Netherlands had to choose between Snape, Remus, Minerva and Hagrid? The schools would choose Snape without a doubt.

Matter of fact, my aunt is similar to Snape. Calling kids out for staring a lot, being mean to others, or being slow, you name it. Yet without fail at every Christmas dinner or birthday of hers, a big party is thrown in the school BY the parents of those children because they adore her. Kids adore her too. Like, the school knows about my aunt.

When I told a few kids I was substitute, they asked me why I call their ex-teacher (they were old students from my aunt) an "aunt" so I explained a bit of the family tree. They asked me "don't you find her scary?" So, even though she is scary, she is adored the shit out of.

Now, back to me. At school we don't learn full psychology course on how a child brain works but we are taught for signs. Snape showed plenty of those signs.

- clothing

- picking grass

- avoiding subject/nor vaguely wording it

- defensive

And so on. Now, if I had a child like Snape in my class. Believe me, I would not be ignoring him like many teachers did at their school. My heart breaks for Slytherin students, especially Snape. How can I look at a kid who is bullied for existing, ganged up on, and say "he deserves that because he'll become a racist later"

My ideals go against that. He's a child, he was just a kid, yet he got out better than a Sirius for example. The actual litteral definition of "I'm bullied at home so I will bully someone at school"

Sorry, but so many things would change. I'd seperate Remus and Peter from James and Sirius. To detoxify that group. Put the class clowns up front, Severus could be either up front or 2nd row. But James and Sirius definitely wouldn't go behind Snape. Yet they wouldn't sit next to each other.

Reason I want Remus and Peter away is to give them solidarity. At some point with James and Sirius sitting at front, ignoring them (since they actually only like each other), it would be a wake up call and they would lean onto each other much more. Give them their own confidence, because those two have always been trampled on by the main duo after all. Maybe peter would make wolfsbane for Remus at some point and they'll just ditch Sirius and James because peter hates how Remus is treated and Remus would actually embrace his prefect role when peter got involved. Slowly gaining more of an authortive figure to keep his house in line.

I'd probably put lily and Severus apart too, their relationship was not it. They remind me of the kids that would go cry and tell me "teacher, she's so mean to me, she said fuck you"

"But teacher, she began first, she threw sand on my hair"

"No, that's because you told me I couldn't play with your game!"

"That's because you and Emily were mean to me yesterday!"

"That only happened because you didn't invite me to your party"

"Well you told me you wouldn't invite me to your party next week!"

Like, stop! Stop it! Oh my god! Stop 😭. You're making teacher cry here. Lily and Snape relationship pretty much reminds me of that. It's stacking up resentment until it eventually blew up. I would detoxify that duo by partnering them up with different people. Of course, I wouldn't place lily with James. The kid that thinks girls say no is girls playing hard to get. No, James would need an extra class on the no-no-square.

With other slytherins? As long as I am not Minerva or Albus, pulling gryffindors to the front, I'm good I guess. I want equals in my classroom. I don't have enough information about Slytherins, to describe them well in my post but I either would break them up.

Or have them sit in a checker style, each house surrounded by other house. So yeah. As a teacher to be, I disapprove of how the Hogwarts treated Slytherins, especially snape, friendship dynamics would have altered in my class.

This would be my plan honestly. Hope it isn't too umbridge-y 😂

[sauroff]

Big personal rant here because I need to put my feelings into words somewhere that irl friend can't see.

Things are shitty. And this, I think, is a universal experience right now. No matter where you are, you look around and you see the rising of more and more extreme far right groups, war and genocide. I'm currently living a very rightist government. I am privileged enough that nor my identity, preferences or skin color is under attack. Only my political views are, and it's not yet in a level where I feel at risk. But the economic aspect? That's a whole different thing

While the government tries to tell us we are so much better than before, I'm struggling more and more each passing month. Now, once again I need to clarify that this comes from a position of privilege. For personal reason related to my (at this point basically chronical) anxiety issues, I have always struggle with work. I live with my family, and they support me. I don't need to pay for the roof over my head, the food on my plate or my health insurance. My parents do. I only have to pay for my education, therapy, medications and other personal expenses.

Before the pandemic, I used to work as a designer for a small business. I didn't dislike the job and I was doing kinda ok (money wasn't enough to live by myself, tho). But at some point I started having anxiety crisis so strong I ended up quitting. I felt like shit everyday, my stomach hurted constantly and got vertigo and dizzyness like once a week at work, besides the general anxiety symptoms (taquicardia, muscular tensión, headaches, etc). The crisis was probably due me realizing that even If I had enough free time to make art, I never felt like doing it. I had been working there for years and was barely drawing in my free time. To be able to live by myself, I'd need to work even more, so I couldn't see a future in which I could do the things I liked. That, I'm pretty sure, started a whole identity crisis.

I quitted that job, started trying to work freelance while getting back to therapy, medications and looking for new ways to get more professionaly into art. I was nearly 30 and I couldn't see myself starting a whole new degree, specially feeling like I was. It took me some long years to actually decide to star studying animation. Also started a new medication that actually made the anxiety and agoraphobia go away, in a way I was able to not just do things and go to classes, but also enjoy them. I was told like 3 years ago that anxiety would (will?) always be part of m life and I need to start learning to live with it. Get used to the suffering, the symptoms, the feeling like shit. Learn to just go through it. I didn't want to. Which is why this new treatment meant so much.

Now, not a whole year had passed since I started studying and feeling better and more focused that a new government started. A really shitty, awful one. I won't go into details with that, but I'll just say that after years of being able to support my basic needs with freelance work, I started to struggle. I'm pretty good at minimizing my needs. Not being able to buy nice things or going to the cinema was ok. No take outs while being with friends? Fine. Not being able to replace some item I needed? I could get by. No, I can't but gifts for my loved ones anymore, but they understand. It's ok.

But it has gotten to the point where I can't pay my classes. It's not an urgent situation, they won't kick me out for it. But it's a problem for me. I went from seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist to just paying my psychiatrist for my meds once a month, because I can't really pay for sessions with a therapist (let alone go through the process of finding a good one). I owe money to family and friends. Not big numbers! Not at all. But that makes it just worst. Knowing I owe them so little and I still can't pay them.

Things just can't keep this way

I got a job interview yesterday. It was a shitty job, but offered enough money to pay everything I needed. I could solve all my (again, very small) debts in just one month. It was full time and It would make it impossible to keep my studies the way they were (animation requires a lot of work and time outside the classes). But I could just take it slower, take less classes so could dedicate more time to each one and actually learn instead of just passing. I wasn't happy about it, but it started feeling at least ok. And then the guy told me that, since I took ONE DAY to answer to the job after the interview, they called someone else. I babysit as a side job for a friend and next week, for special reasons, they need me for a lot of extra hours, so I told this person in the interview that I could only start working on the 30th. They insisted. I told them I'd talk about it with the other part and then let him know. I told him today, again, that I couldn't start until the 30th. He told me I took too long so they hired someone else.

Again, the job was shitty for some reasons I won't go into, and I wasn't sure about it. But being able to solve all my economic problems, to have economic stability and be more like a functional adult, was starting to make me kinda hopeful. And now I'm back to 0.

I'll keep searching for jobs. I'll keep trying to find new ways of getting by. And I'll also try to take my classes more lightly, since this year has been incredibly frustrating on that front (there's been a LOT of conflicts with some professors, and half of the class is super demotivated, myself included), and maybe I need to find a more balanced way of doing things. I don't really know.

I just needed to write this down. There is no actual conclusion. But I needed it.

[afurtivecake]

One thing I've been wondering is how much did Riko really see Kevin as a brother and how much did he see him as a possession? (And is there really a distinction between the two in Riko's eyes?) Because, I don't think Kevin was ever meant to be Riko's brother or Riko's equal on the court. I think Tetsuji took Kevin in as an investment, nothing more:

"Tetsuji never formally adopted Kevin. Do you know why? Moriyamas don't believe in outsiders or equals. Tetsuji took Kevin in and took over his training, but he also gave Kevin to Riko—literally. Kevin isn't human to them. He's a project. He's a pet, and it's Riko's name on his leash. Sakavic, Nora. The Foxhole Court (All for the Game Book 1) (p. 88).

To the outside world, Tetsuji taking custody over both Riko and Kevin would have looked like him adopting them and making them brothers, but "Moriyamas don't believe in outsiders or equals" so what reason would he have had to lead Riko to believe that Kevin would be his brother? A brother implies a level of equality. He probably thought this will be a learning experience for Riko: give him something to be responsible for, something that he has to learn to control because he's a Moriyama and it's about time he learned how dominate lesser beings. He probably imagined Kevin to be something like Jean was: an obedient servant who can take being beaten within and inch of his life semi-regularly, no sense of autonomy, blindly submissive, and still able to be one of the top players in his position. A valuable right-hand man perhaps, but nothing worth kicking up a fuss over.

I think (and this might just be me wanting a good story) that the whole "brothers" thing came from Riko. A neglected kid with nothing and no one to call him 'family' receives a boy, who doesn't have anyone to call him family either, and is told, "This is yours now. This is yours to mind. Do whatever you want with him but make sure he knows his place and knows how to obey the right people." To a kid who's longing for something to call his own and someone to recognize him as family, that could easily have sounded like, "This is yours now, your person, to be by your side always. Yours to tend, yours to keep, yours." I think Tetsuji said "possession" and Riko heard, "brother". And if that's not what a brother actually is, well, who's going to tell him that? It's not as if there's a single example of a normal family relationship to be found among the Ravens.

I think Riko made Kevin his brother because he wanted something more than a possession. He wanted an ally, someone who always has his back and would never leave him. Riko making Kevin his brother instead of just a pet as was intended, gave Kevin a degree a freedom that Tetsuji probably wouldn't have allowed otherwise: travelling outside of the country with Riko, not always being stuck inside Evermore, studying what he wanted...he even got to have interests and to enjoy exy even when he wasn't playing (being a Trojans fan) and he managed to have friends outside of Evermore (Jeremy). Ravens don't have family or an identity outside of being a Raven, but Riko made Kevin his brother and gave him the chance to become his own person.

If Riko considers Kevin a brother, how can he turn around and hurt Kevin like he's nothing more than a possession, you ask? Well, I'm not sure he sees any conflict between the two. To Riko, beating Kevin up isn't outside of what Riko understands as "family" and doting on Kevin as a brother doesn't go against what Riko sees as ownership. To Tetsuji, ownership might only include being able to treat a person like shit without consequence. But for Riko, allowing Kevin freedom and indulging his "whims" probably feels as much like ownership as hurting Kevin without recourse does.

It seems impossible and stupid for their relationship to be anything other than toxic and deeply fucked up, but I think Riko selfishly believed that so long as he kept things in check, so long as Kevin stayed exactly where he was, he'd get to keep him. Even when Riko starts suspecting that other people are starting to see that Kevin might be better than him, even when being brothers is no longer useful to him if he wants to prove that he's really a Moriyama, Riko can't let go of their brotherhood. He doesn't give Kevin up until the very end. He can't. No matter how angry he gets at Kevin, no matter how much he comes to enjoy seeing Kevin hurt and sorry, there are lines he can't quite bring himself to cross. Because Kevin is still his brother. Because for better or for worse, he made Kevin mean something more to him than a possession when he made him his brother.

I don't think Tetsuji expected Riko to cling on to Kevin as though Kevin was actually important. He didn't think that by partnering the two, by giving them a common goal and a common enemy, that it would create a bond between them. But they did and maybe, in some ways, their dysfunctional relationship both saved them and doomed them.

[woman-respecter]

okay one last rant about chappell cuz i'm sure you're sick of herr (same):

i'm soooo tired of white people. i hate how chappell acts about palestine because it's SO "i learned activism from the internet and i have insane white guilt and i feel guilt for being a privileged white american" and that helps no one. bonus: she has republican parents so she has to force the activism even harder to compensate for her shitty family. i hate both sides as well but i'm not a stupid ass white person who won't be affected as much by not voting and not backing kamala.

chappell is so embarrassing like even taylor swift said i support kamala. her internet activism means that she would rather say guyssss both sides bad :/ than actually do anything of any value (it feels like she wants to be leftist so baddd that she ends up a fool... "all presidents bad i can't support any" girl you're high up in the evil capitalist music inudstry i wouldn't judge too hard if i were u..) but that's current activism for you doe. why make any change when you can just complain and do nothing? besides, leftists rn would tear any change apart to shreds cuz they expect everything to be fixed immediately. i've seen so many leftists get upset seeing progress of anything rn because because g-g-genocide!

leftists: you evil white gays celebrate improved gay rights in a red state ur so evil ugh a genocide is happening and ur happy? you need to blow yourself up to prove your loyalty to palestine and to understand what they're going through!

lastly everything chappell and ethel cain does for palestine is so forced and fake lol. it's all to make them feel better about being white and privileged. ethel cain makes jokes about killing the president girl! 🤔 youre enjoying your nice white life in a comfortable position in the music industry...you'd never give that up and stand on business cause ur all words no action..

ethel made a song for palestine and it was good but since she graduated with honors from the school of internet activism i cannot take it seriously. everything she does screams "sorry for being white :("

and then hunter from euphoria got praised for getting arrested at a JVP PROTEST (LMAO). like that rich white girl getting arrested and then nothing happened to her is not revolutionary it's actually giving kendall pepsi ad ! i will say it's more than ethel and chappell put together but still pathetically whitee.

lastly hayley from paramore ethel hunter chappell none of them actually support palestine. they try so hard to be leftist and activists which is ironic because they are capitalizing on palestine to look good, to overcompensate for their whiteness and privilege and because of guilt. their "support for palestine" are just large pr stunts that bring them more fans and more money. look at ethel. she LOVES florence (i believe they are good friends) and florence is besties with taylor swift and endorsed kamala. all bark no bitee :)

i HATE all of the performative leftist celebs you mentioned (except hayley from paramore) so fucking much. it’s obvious that their priorities are getting rid of their white guilt, being edgy, and winning clout points with the online left. they do not give an actual shit about palestine. the funny thing is that if taylor’s endorsement really does help keep trump out of the white house she will have done more for palestine than all those losers combined. sorry!

and yeah its funny that ethel, and almost every pop girlie, is at most like 2 or 3 degrees away from someone who is friends with taylor or idolizes taylor. sorry haters it really is that way. she’s your favorite artist’s ACTUAL favorite artist

[johnnycrass]

im a high action person i like to see things get done i have clear goals and i take any step necessary to reach them. so it makes me genuinely truly actually angry to deal with anyone who is unaware of how to do something AND not willing to learn. its one thing to not know! ignorance is normal. but its different for u to just give up. like u are soooooo fucking useless. ur gonna wait for someone else to come around and do it???? ur gonna wait for help?????

when the bail bonds guy picked me up and dropped me at the place my car was impounded at, my phone was dead and i was getting burned in the texas sun. the tow lot wasnt even open yet. the only thing standing between me and my sunscreen + charger was a chainlink fence with barbed wire on it, and some cameras facing it. everything i owned was in the car except my keys which were in the tow office. there was an opening in the fence, which was watched over by a camera, big enough for my body to slide thru sideways. it was that or crawl under, in the dust. i pulled my body thru the opening while looking right in the camera so they knew it was a conscious decision. walked to my car, climbed under it to where i keep a magnetic box attached to the bottom of the car that has a car key in it. opened the car, got my bag holding my sunscreen and charger, threw away my expired food, and walked back thru the opening in the gate to sit on the bench and wait for the tow guy to come to work. when he did finally clock in, he was so mad. first thing he said to me was "who gave you permission to go to your car?" i didnt say anything. if u didnt want anyone to slip thru the fence, then mend it. and why are you starting work at noon?? he wouldnt accept credit card to pay to get my own car back, so i had to walk to an ATM. it was a cool 94 degrees fahrenheit. i got my money i paid my shit and i drove out of there

the magnetic box on the bottom of my car was put there by me... i had two copies of my keys made.... i made extra copies of the house keys also... you can, and should, just do things without anyones permission or blessing or whatever ..

[cringebuttfree]

Broflovski family headcanons no one asked for but I made a whole ass blog to post about (Part 1: Gerald)

I can’t really think of too many content warnings here. There’s some questionable parenting stuff that I tried to keep in line with canon so… it’s south park shit, as well as alcohol.

Lawyering + Education

He specializes in civil litigation. However, because this is a small town and he’s also on retainer for said town/it’s a comedy show where no one cares, he's 100% worked on things where he's bullshitted most of the way through and so dabbles in basically everything.

His undergraduate degree is in Philosophy. It was almost marine biology but it turns out he only actually thought cetaceans were cool and could care less about the rest of the sea. Biology was his lowest grade throughout university.

After doing a year at a Newark Community College (where he met Sheila), he transferred to NYU (I've debated between whether he went to NYU or Fordham for law school) and then articled/worked in New York BigLaw, all the while commuting from Jersey. It was torture.

Despite initially wanting to get out of South Park, he hated everything about the East Coast (except Sheila and that one time he saw a dolphin just happily swimming in the East River). Especially the humidity. He needs the moisture to be sucked out of his skin to feel alive.

He does not want his sons to be lawyers. As any mostly adequate lawyer father does, he actively warns them away from the profession if they so much as express interest. He has given Kyle in particular a couple of lectures on the dangers of lawyering. No parent would ever want their child to endure such pain.

Parents + Religion

Gerald was a perimenopause baby. His parents were content with one child, but these things happen.

His parents did not go to temple that often, but when they did, they went to a reform synagogue. They USED to be more observant when Gerald was younger but their attendance dropped off for various reasons/personality clashes.

That being said, the “West Coast Broflovskis” (NO relation to Sheila’s family) did do one or two things a bit more Orthodox (having their kids wear kippahs). They never kept kosher though.

His mother was Irish and raised Catholic. She converted (with a Reform Rabbi) not too long before marrying his father. While she did try her best as a parent, there were a lot of times where instead of talking to her son about complicated topics, she’d give him something only tangentially related to the topic.

For example, when he was like eight or so, Gerald once asked her why her whole family got to celebrate Christmas and they didn’t, so she gave him Are you There God It’s me Margaret to read. It was not helpful (though he did get to learn about New Jersey and periods).  

His father was the town pharmacist. When he retired, he sold the pharmacy to a chain, and he and his wife moved to Scottsdale. For SOME reason, he was insistent on his kids moving as far away as they possibly could from South Park. Completely coincidentally, he also was very fond of his car and devastated when he had to sell it. When Gerald moved back to South Park, he lived with a quiet dread for the rest of his life.

His dad generally was not a big talker and hated giving advice. He tried, but his father might’ve told his son to stop being such a “fucking bitch” and to “stop worrying about every damn thing” a few times.

His dad ALSO once told him that one day he'd say the wrong thing to the wrong person and get his ass kicked. At the time, he laughed it off. He thought about that a lot through the whole Skankhunt saga (and then got away with it so guess you were WRONG IN THE END DAD).

In Gerald’s worst moments, he has unconsciously emulated his parents (calling Kyle a ”pussy” being the most egregious).  

Murrey was about twelve or thirteen years older than Gerald and is a professor in Arizona. He’s in a childless relationship with a Canadian snowbird. Neither of them have met the other’s family. It’s exactly the way they like it.

Murrey and Gerald aren’t super close due to their age difference, but they do have a good understanding with each other. They also did lean on each other a bit to “handle” their parents once Gerald was an adult, and they moved out to Arizona/Gerald moved back to Colorado.

He and Sheila actually live in his old family home. His old bedroom is the study/computer room, his dad’s old study is Kyle’s room, and Murrey’s old room is Ike’s.

Friends + School

He was 100% a shit stirrer as a kid. You know exactly the kind of little douchebag smartass he was.

He and Stuart were technically neighbours, and met as free range children often do. Pretty much instantly they became friends, though it did always annoy Stuart that Gerald somehow managed to always avoid trouble with the adults.

Marvin and Gerald’s dad were friends/car enthusiasts. He and Randy became friends partially by virtue of having “old ass parents”, and partially because Stuart knew Randy from Scouts (with Gerald being in Jew Scouts of course).

He always knew Randy as the kid the weirdest shit happened to, and who was kinda an idiot. While he’d never say it out loud, to this day he still does NOT understand why Sharon stayed with him or how he’s more educated than him.

However, I also 100% believe that he’s told Randy that a “Juris Doctor” is the same as a Doctorate. Worst of all, I think Randy believed him.

Briefly “dated” Liane Cartman in elementary school and Laura Tucker in high school. The former did NOT end well due to her father, but the latter was cordial.

When Stuart started dating Carol in their senior year, Gerald was 100% that guy just sitting there in between the two couples making out (since Randy and Sharon were eternally on and off). He was incredibly jealous of Carol for reasons he did not want to think about.

Probably had more than a few not so heterosexual thoughts about his bff, but decided that it was all hormones, no need to make it weird he didn’t want to ruin a friendship, and generally did his best to avoid thinking about it.

Did baseball and track, even if he wasn’t a huge sports guy.

He was on the debate team in high school and incredibly good at it.

Was not a theatre kid, but when they had to do Model UN, he got really into roleplaying as Russia.

When Randy left on his Boyband Adventure, he wrote all his closest friends (and girlfriend) “bridge burning” letters. In Gerald’s, Randy called him a “pretentious dickweasel”. Despite this being 100% accurate, he was offended for months, and they didn’t reconnect until the end of Gerald’s first year of college when the whole boyband thing fizzled out and Randy was doing his rounds of apology phone calls.

He took Sharon to prom because he didn’t have a date (being the pretentious dickweasel that he was), and Randy had just fucked off with like a month left before graduation. It was strictly platonic. Stuart and Carol (who was a couple years younger) also came along. The whole night was a bunch of fun, and probably also Stuart and Carol at their most functional.

He and Stuart got in a massive fight right after Gerald’s last work shift before going to New Jersey. Both of them said some pretty terrible things to one another, but to this day Gerald will still insist that they “just grew apart” and nothing happened. On the inside, it was honestly worse than any breakup he ever had.

The first time he met Sheila was when they were both picking something up for orientation. The name ‘Broflovski’ was called and they both went up at the same time and he briefly had a “wait, that’s MY last name, the AUDACITY” moment.

Later that week, they met again at a bar, because yay fake id’s. He was supper drunk and just sitting there existentially wondering if he was actually into dudes or gay or whathaveyou and then she sat down next to him in her whole S-woww outfit and he was instantly smitten.

It did take like a good month or so of them talking at the bar for him to realize they’d briefly met at orientation. TO BE FAIR, he was usually hammered every time they spoke at first.

I’m sure I’ll have more about the rest of the family eventually.

[blu3-ja3]

Did I give O'Connor a phobia that I have... Yes do I care, no! Having perfect characters is so boring! I'm currently cleaning out my drafts I promise I'll start writing my story soon!

O'Connor has never liked riding in cars, very specifically cars. She can handle being on a boat going at top speed, she can handle being in a helicopter making evasion maneuvers, hell shes loved the few times she's driven a motorcycle or ATV. But for whatever reason she hates being in cars, a small part of her knows it is trauma from being in the car crash that killed her mother and crippled her father. But even before the accident she hated being in those vehicles.

Price learned early on into his deployment with Sergeant O'Connor not to put her behind the wheel or near the front. He sees how she clams up, trying her best not to shake like a leaf. She'll never admit it nor argue against driving when told too. Hell there's been a few times where her twitchiness behind the wheel has saved his and his team's asses. That doesn't mean he won't do his damnedest to keep her in the back away from the windows.

Ghost notices his new Captain is a bit nervous, it radiates off her in waves. She was fine up until they had to get into the dingy little pickup, he noticed her hesitation to drive like a deer ready to run at the faintest sound. She only calmed a little when Ghost got into the driver's seat, but her leg is bouncing so hard she might punch a hole through the rusty bottom of the truck. And when he asked if something was wrong, she was short and clipped. The polar opposite of how she interacted with him this entire mission, it's their first time on the field together. It's just them and yet she's never once steamed rolled over him like all his other captains have... Wel not Price but everyone else. No instead she asked for his opinion on every major decision and she actually listens to his suggestions adding to them or just going with them. He's worried but it soon disappears as they reach their stop, he watches her basically bolt out of the truck as soon as it stops. And only then does it dawn on him why the sudden change and he relaxes again.

Gaz is an excellent driver, he knows this, it's a point of pride for him. So he's a bit miffed when he notices the doctor gripping the oh-shit handle for dear life as he speeds through snowy hills of middle of nowhere Canada. He's used to seeing people smiling and enjoying themselves when he drives like this. There's no danger chasing after to warrant this kind of stress from O'Connor but it's there. He slows a bit much to the disappointment of himself and Roach who sat in the back. He watches as O'Connor calms a bit from the corner of his eye and he feels a little hurt. It isn't until he watches her when someone else is driving does it click, it's not just him... Though his speed didn't seem to help.

Roach finds it very odd that at every chance she gets O'Connor sits in the back seats, even though she would be far more comfortable in the front. It baffles him every time she gives the seat to someone else including himself but he's never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. It isn't until Soap and Gaz spell it out to him does he notice the panic she holds in her body even in the back seats. He takes it upon himself to distract the doctor while in transit. He's had varying degrees of success but he's noticed a pattern. When O'Connor can't see the road she's calmer, prefers to not have a window to see outside. He does his best to help her on the more stressful drives, it's only fair she's helped him with a million of his own fears.

Soap is a smart man, he's also observant, despite what people think. So he picks up on O'Connor's tension when she's riding with himself, Ghost, Alejandro, and Rudy through Las Almas. At first he thought it was due to being in a car full of men but he quickly wrote that off as soon as they met the rest of Alejandro's team. Her tension was slow to creep in when they're driving and it's only when they're in the cars. He thought it was interesting how well she handled everything else but as soon as they started driving it was tension. He also knows she calms a bit when they speak gaelic, much to the chagrin of their traveling companions. But if it helped his friend calm down then he'll deal with the confused stares.

The boys all agree behind O'Connor's back that if given the option they won't drive, if they have to she gets the middle seat and either Roach or Soap are to sit next to her. Price feels a bit of fatherly pride when they bring it up to him, knowing they're willing to help O'Connor the best they can without being told outright to do so.

COD Master List

[another-whump-sideblog]

Fixing Tracy Chapter 19: Merry Christmas!

TWs in the tags

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Masterlist

Next

Tracy can only hole up in her room for so long. She has plenty of food stashed, but she needs to use the bathroom eventually.

Molly is sitting on the couch, fidgeting. She jumps to her feet when Tracy tries to sneak out of her room. “Tracy! Hey, how are you feeling?”

“I just have to go to the bathroom.” She needs to wait until Molly lets her guard down and try again with the handcuffs. Third time’s the charm. That will probably mean acting like nothing’s wrong for a bit, though. “After that we can, um, talk.”

Molly visibly sags with relief and sits back down. "That would be great."

Tracy quickly uses the bathroom before sitting next to Molly. 

"So, I was thinking, dear… it's okay for you to keep the handcuffs. I want you to feel safe, so if that helps you feel safer, then I don't have a problem with it. Obviously, I would have to take them away if you attacked me again, but it's fine for you to keep them for now."

"Thanks."

Molly waits a bit, then continues when it's clear Tracy isn't going to say anything else. "It bothered you that I said you deserve to be here, right? And that you'd appreciate this someday. Are those… things your mom said to you?"

"...yeah." If she can just stop herself from screaming at Molly, Tracy can spin this to her advantage. She can make it seem like this was finally the thing that made her start to open up to Molly. She just has to hold the anger down. 

…Hasn't she tried this before? Hasn't she already learned, over and over again, that Molly will never let her guard down, because she sees removing Tracy's choices as a kindness?

There are degrees to it, though. Molly can't be one hundred percent guarded all the time. She's probably pretty close to one hundred percent right now, since Tracy just stole those handcuffs, which is why it might work to play the part Molly wants when it didn't before. She's never going to be zero percent guarded, but Tracy can aim for lowering it. She knows Molly better now, too. She can do this.

"You never deserved to be hurt, dear."

"I know." 

Deep breaths. She can do better than that. She can play the part; she can be exactly what Molly wants. "I… I realized that I didn't deserve it pretty early on, actually. Alicia was born when I was five, and seeing them do shit like scream at a baby to go to sleep… even a five year old knows that's ridiculous. And once that dam broke, once I was capable of seeing my parents as being in the wrong, I could see that I didn't deserve to be treated that way either."

"That must've been really scary. Realizing that the people supposed to take care of you aren't safe… that's a lot for a five-year-old. Or anyone, really."

God fucking damn it– Molly shouldn't get to act like Tracy's therapist when she's holding her captive! She shouldn't get to act like– like she's the normal one! Like this is somehow normal! Like any words from her captor could ever comfort Tracy! Tears of frustration spring to Tracy's eyes, but she doesn't let them fall. She clenches her fists and grits her teeth. Molly needs to think that Tracy isn't angry at her anymore, or she'll never lower her guard enough. 

Molly puts a gentle hand on Tracy's shoulder. "It's okay to cry. You're safe, you can let it all out."

Tracy squeezes her eyes shut and bites down on her tongue.

Molly speaks like she's soothing a scared animal. "I'm sorry I triggered you by saying those things earlier. It won't happen again."

Tracy yanks away from Molly's hand like it burned her. "Y'know what's triggering?" She can't stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. "Being trapped and powerless and hurt and then being treated like I'm crazy for being mad about it!" 

Shit, shit, that's the opposite of what she should be saying! She forces herself to unclench her fists and take a deep breath. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I know…" What would Molly say? "...Some triggers can't be avoided. But it's… it's so hard not to be… not to be afraid of you, Molly." Appearing weak and afraid can benefit her here.

Molly makes a small squeaking noise. "I… I understand. I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me that."

Is that enough opening up? She doesn't want to lay it on too thick and make Molly suspicious. "Can we do something else now?"

Molly wipes her eyes and smiles. "Of course! Thanks for talking it out with me. I feel like we've both really grown from having that discussion. Uh… oh, do you like Christmas?"

Tracy doesn't, but she likes that Molly doesn't know that. "Yeah. Is it… coming up?" That would mean she's been here for about three months… There's no way.

"Mhm! What traditions do you like? We could decorate, make gingerbread, watch Christmas movies… whatever you want! Ooh, I think I have a Christmas advent puzzle down here, that could be fun!"

No, Molly must be tricking her. She can't have been down here that long. She won't let on that she knows Molly's lying, though. The goal right now is to get things back to normal. "Could we… work on the puzzle and watch a Christmas movie? And then… tomorrow we could make gingerbread houses?"

"We sure can! Do you have a favorite Christmas movie?"

"No, what's yours?"

"Hm… Have you seen The Muppets Christmas Carol?"

"Nope. I've seen… very few movies in general." She adds that last bit to strengthen the illusion that she's opening up more.

"Oooh, I can't wait to see what you think! I'll put it on."

Tracy has read A Christmas Carol and is pleasantly surprised that the silly puppet movie often quotes directly from it. Still…

"Are all of your favorite movies kids' movies?" Tracy asks during a break between songs.

"I guess? I like movies that make me happy, and usually that's kids' movies."

"Hm." Tracy refocuses on the puzzle. “Am I only doing one section of this today?”

“You can do however many sections you want! It’s the 18th, so stop there if you don’t want to get ahead.”

“You only start celebrating the week before Christmas? You strike me as the kind of person who would start celebrating the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Hah! Is that just because you think I’m annoying? It depends on the year, really. I usually bake a lot and give out treats. If I can get a group together, I like to go caroling, but… I usually can’t. I like to make stuffed animals and donate them to toy drives, too. I’ve been pretty busy this year, though. Christmas snuck up on me.”

Before Tracy can ask if Molly being 'pretty busy' is because of how hard she's been working at ruining Tracy's life, the next song starts and Molly is back to singing along. That's probably for the best.

The next day, Molly comes down the stairs with a bunch of bags. It's mostly candy and sprinkles, with one bag containing ingredients and molds for gingerbread houses.

Molly explains every step in making the gingerbread and frosting, as if Tracy would ever do something like this without the incentive of mollifying (ha) her captor.

"If it's too hard to get the walls and stuff to stay together, we can use hot glue," Molly says. "The frosting is better at attaching decorations than holding the house together."

"I thought gingerbread houses were supposed to be edible."

"They still would be! It's easy to peel off the glue when you want to eat it."

Ew. Tracy is patient and precise enough to get the frosting to work. Molly's keeps falling apart, so Tracy puts hers together, too.

"Have you done this before?" Molly asks.

"Nope."

"You're a natural!"

Once her house is stable, Molly starts using Necco Wafers to give the appearance of shingles on her gingerbread house's roof. Hmm…

Molly made a lot of frosting and specified that this kind isn't super tasty because it's supposed to be adhesive first and taste good second. If it doesn't get used up, Molly will probably throw it away.

Instead of using a piping bag, Tracy scoops some white frosting onto her roof and spreads it out with a butter knife so that it looks like the roof is covered in snow. She finds some snowflake-shaped blue and white sprinkles and pours them over the roof.

Next, she gets some licorice and attaches small green and red candies to it, as if it's a string of Christmas lights. In order to make sure they stick properly, she holds each candy to the licorice until the frosting hardens before moving on to the next one. 

"How did you celebrate Christmas before?" Molly asks, still working on her shingles.

"If Mom and Dad were hosting something that year, we'd decorate everything and have a really nice dinner. If not, we didn't do much." She told Molly she likes Christmas, so she can't share a lot of specific details. 

“Would you want to have something special for Christmas dinner here? I would always make you anything you asked for, of course, whether it’s Christmas or not, but if you want to make Christmas special we can do that.”

“...no, I don't want anything specific for Christmas dinner. Thank you, though."

"Of course! Do you want to decorate the basement for Christmas?"

"No." 

They spend the rest of the day working on their gingerbread houses, and Molly shows Tracy more Christmas movies by playing them in the background while they work. Tracy's favorite is It's a Wonderful Life.

When Tracy is finally finished with the lights, she makes a candy wreath above the front door. It looks nice. Any more on the outside of the house would probably just make it look messy, so she decorates the plate it's on and the inside of the house.

She looks to Molly frequently, to see if Molly's looking at her. Maybe a few more days will be enough to get things back to normal…

She can't get trapped waiting for the 'right moment' again, though. Once Molly doesn't seem to be as guarded, Tracy needs to act quickly.

That'll take a bit, though. She needs to be patient, but not too patient.

"Dear, I have a gift for you, and I finished it sooner than I expected. Would you want to wait until Christmas to open it, or would you be okay with opening it tomorrow?" Molly asks before going upstairs for the night.

"...tomorrow is fine." Might as well get it over with. There's nothing Molly could give her that she would enjoy other than her freedom, and Molly's definitely not giving her that.

Molly grins. "Wonderful, I'll bring it down with me tomorrow!"

Molly comes down the next morning with a box wrapped in Christmas tree themed wrapping paper. Tracy gently unwraps it and opens the box. It's… a stuffed animal. A toy. Tracy scoffs as she takes the stuffed animal out of the box. It's a wasp, another reminder that Molly stalked Tracy so thoroughly that she even knows Tracy's favorite animal.

Getting a closer look at it, she can see that it's homemade. And… very detailed. It even has the simple eyes on the top of its head in addition to the compound eyes, and the coloration is more complex than simple yellow and black stripes.

Tracy doesn't have any use for a stuffed animal. It's a stupid gift.

But… has anyone ever worked this hard on a gift for Tracy before? Has anyone ever given her a gift with no purpose other than to give her something?

"...how long did this take you to make?"

"It took a good chunk of time! I mean, this one only took a few hours, but I couldn't find any patterns that I thought were good enough, so I had to figure stuff out through trial and error."

"Why? I never expected a gift from you, and you have no reason to believe I'd like or use a stuffed animal. Why would you spend all that time? You know I'm not going to be polite and pretend I like it. This is a stupid gift, so why?"

Molly’s face falls. "You don't like it?"

"I just– I don't understand. What do you get out of this? Out of any of this? Why are you spending so much time and effort on things I don’t want? I'm not getting anything out of this, and all you're getting is being yelled at, so why?"

“I want you to be happy, dear. I don’t need gratitude or praise.”

“I’m not happy!” Shit, she can’t be doing this. Molly needs to think she’s given up. She looks down at her feet, as if embarrassed. “I… I do like it. I’m sorry for lashing out. I’m not used to… people doing nice things without expecting something in return.” Ugh, that’s cheesy.

Molly seems to buy it, though. “Oh! I— yeah, I can see why that would be scary. I don’t expect you to do anything for me in return. You don’t owe me anything at all, dear.”

She certainly doesn't. Still, she tries to relax a bit, as if she's relieved. "Really?"

"Of course! You could rip up your gift right now if you wanted, and all that would happen is I'd be sad. I didn't give it to you because I wanted something from you."

That's definitely a lie. People don't do things for no reason. What Molly wanted was to feel good about herself, and she'd have taken that from Tracy's reaction regardless of what it was. The only reason she doesn't expect Tracy to give her something in return is that she can just take what she wants either way.

Molly needs to think Tracy believes her, though, so Tracy continues the act. "I, um… can I have a hug?" 

"Yes! Always!" Molly hugs Tracy tightly. Tracy can feel the cattle prods beneath Molly's sleeves digging into her back. Still, it's easy to fall into the role she's playing and melt into Molly's arms.

It's hard to tell how guarded Molly is right now. She never seems suspicious of Tracy, but she also always seems to know when to take out a cattle prod.

"I'm… sorry I've been… difficult," Tracy says softly. "I can't promise I won't lash out at you again, but… I want to try… to get better."

Molly ends the hug. She looks intently into Tracy's eyes. "I'm glad to hear that. You don't have anything to apologize for. Can I ask what changed for you to feel this way now?"

"...I've given up. I have no hope of escape. Isn't that what you want?"

"Why did you give up?" Molly presses.

"I'm… I'm so tired. I want to rest. I want to have no responsibility, like you said. You're right about everything."

"I… listen, dear. I don't care if you're trying to manipulate or trick me. I want you to feel safe. I didn't want to call you out on it, on the off chance that you were being genuine, and there's nothing wrong with trying out different ways of behaving to see how it feels, even if it doesn't come from a genuine place. But… I don't want you to feel… Just know that I see that you're acting differently from normal. And I like you, Tracy. I'll continue to like you no matter who you decide to be, but I hope you don't interpret me following your lead as me preferring you a certain way. The amount that I like you and love you doesn't change. That's all."

Stupid, stupid. Saying Molly was right about everything definitely took it too far. Molly's never going to be less guarded, because Tracy is too stupid to convince Molly she's not a threat.

She was never going to escape through wits. The only way out of this is brute force.

Tag list: @whumpyourdamnpears @watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees @iamheretohurt @toyybox

[wickermayne]

Thirty-Three Days - A Naruto/Sakura Oneshot.

There was a banging on her office door, and before Sakura could even open her mouth to say, ‘come in’, Naruto barged through carrying a bag in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Hey, Sakura-chan, I missed you!”

“Naruto!” Sakura nearly jumped out of her seat to go and hug her friend, his arm wrapping around her. He felt good, warm against her body, the hospital always running a few degrees too cold for Sakura’s liking. She stepped back to look at his smile, warmer than his body was, his eyes glimmering as he took her appearance in, disheveled from a long day at the hospital. “What are you doing back here so soon? I thought you would still be in Takigakure?”

“I came back because I knew you’d be here, workin’ when you’re not supposed to,” Naruto said, wagging his finger at Sakura. She laughed and smacked his arm, turning back to sit at her desk, Naruto sitting in the chair in front of it. “Should I go and get Shizune-nee-chan?”

“Oh, leave me alone.” Sakura rolled her eyes at him. “I’m almost done here. I’m just waiting for an x-ray result. After that I’m done, I promise.”

Naruto squinted his eyes at her. “Hmm, fine, I’ll trust ya, this one time.”

“Shut up. Now, not that I’m complaining, but why did you return to Konoha so soon? I thought you said you’d be in Taki for at least two months?”

“Okay I’ll tell ya, sheesh, you’re so nosy Sakura-chan,” Naruto mock pouted at her. He reached for the bag that was by his side, pulling out a container. “Knowing you, all you had today was coffee and some snack bars or some shit. Eat this and I’ll tell you what happened.”

He opened the container, releasing steam and the fragrant smell of warm spices, stir fried vegetables and chicken on a bed of rice.

Sakura’s stomach growled.

“Ha, I knew it!”

“Ugh, wipe that look off your face. I…uh, thank you, Naruto. This looks really good.”

Naruto hummed as he took out napkins and a fork out from the bag to hand to her.

“What about you?”

Naruto waved his hand. “I ate already, no worries, this is all for you.”

“I don’t know if I can finish all this,” Sakura laughed and Naruto smiled at her. She took a forkful, a little bit of rice, veggies, and chicken, moaning at the flavour exploding on her tongue. “Oh god, thanks again, Naruto. I really needed this.”

Naruto coughed into his hand, his tanned cheeks flushed a little.

“Hey, are you okay? Did you get sick while you were in Taki? I know the weather there can be a bit unpredictable. Let me check you.”

“No, no, no! I’m fine, Sakura-chan, I swear, just, uh, sit down and eat.”

Sakura gave him a suspicious look, but listened to him, taking another forkful of the delicious food.

“So, Takigakure,” Naruto started, leaning back in the chair, his right leg folding on top of his left. “I had a good time there to be honest, learned a lot about the village and their policies from Kensuke — he’s the retired politician that was housing me there. But the weather was actually great, it’s kind of a lush warmth, because of the waterfall, y’know? The sun comes through, but the waterfall keeps ya settled. It’s a young village, over there, lotta couples and lotta kids, scurryin’ about. There always seemed to be somethin’ goin’ on at the town square there.”

Naruto was a great speaker, Sakura had realized a while back, even making the mundane interesting — like describing the different flavours of ramen broth.

The rhythm of his voice was enticing.

The movement of his Adam’s apple as he continued the tendency from his youth to drop some sounds from certain words and add to others, would catch your eye.

What?

Sakura dropped her eyes to the container of stir fry, taking a big bite, working her jaw as she looked back up at Naruto’s face this time.

“A month isn’t that long —”

“Thirty-three days,” Sakura murmured around the fork. “You were gone for thirty-three days.”

Naruto’s brow raised, his mouth opening in surprise, before it shifted into him beaming.

“Exactly, thirty-three days…were you countin’ Sakura-chan?”

His tone changed then, his body leaning toward the desk. Something about it tickled the back of Sakura’s mind, his eyes sweeping over her features, like she was a puzzle for him to slot together.

It was so strange, to have Naruto examining her with such scrutiny, her neck turning hot under the collar of her white coat.   

“I-I don’t know, it was a month plus three days, I guess…it wasn’t hard to keep track of.”

Naruto hummed, tilting his head before righting it. “Well, I counted, everyday I was there. I mean, I did have a good time, but secretly, being away from Konoha for that time was tougher than I pretended it was.”

“How come?” The fork tines were stuck against her teeth, her eyes not leaving Naruto’s.

He smiled again. She didn’t realize how much she missed it, comforting like a hug, until he was there in front of her, giving her one so often.

Sakura knew he smiled a lot in general, but maybe more so around her?

It was just a feeling, but it felt true.

“Kensuke’s kind of got a big family that lives with him,” Naruto said, ignoring Sakura’s comment, or maybe beginning to expand in. “Him, his wife, his son, his daughter-in law, there’s a nanny there too, and his grandkid, Maki-chan. She’s a handful, that Maki-chan, acts more like a boy than a girl, honestly. She always came back to the house with a bunch of bruises or scraps on her knees, a rhinoceros beetle in hand, and a smile. A regular ol’ tomboy, but surprisingly, even though she hates ‘girly’ stuff she wanted to go see the cherry blossom trees when they blossomed. Did you see’em over here?”

“Yes, they were gorgeous.”

“Yeah,” Naruto smiled at her. It was almost like the warmth from a sun peeking through clouds, his eyes adoring as they took her in. “Yeah, they were.”

Her hands had stopped working, her mouth trembling as she spoke. “N-Naruto, I —”

“I didn’t really want to go see them,” he continued, “but Maki-chan begged me, so I took her. We saw the cherry blossoms, in full bloom, and they were just as you said they were, Sakura-chan. Gorgeous.”

Naruto shook his head with a small smile, his eyes fond as he remembered the moment. Sakura put the fork down, a lump in her throat as his lips caressed that word, gorgeous, his eyes focusing on her now, drinking her in.

“Maki-chan made fun of me that day, watching those cherry blossom petals flutterin’ through the sky with tears in my eyes. She said what kind of boy cries at that?”

“You’ve always been the sensitive type…”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“N-no, of course not. It’s a good thing, in my opinion.”

“Thanks, Sakura-chan, maybe you can help me convince Maki-chan of that next time,” Naruto laughed.

“Why were you crying?” Sakura asked in a whisper, her heart flush at her throat, beating hard, scared she already knew the answer.

“They made me face the truth. That’s what made me cry. Thirty-three days, Sakura-chan,” Naruto sighed, with a small shake of his head. “Thirty-three days in Takigakure and I counted every single one, tellin’ myself it’s great that I’m away from the village, that it’s good to get some distance, y’know? Thirty-three days where I said to myself, that’s another day you didn’t think about her. And that’s just delusional, ain’t it, Sakura-chan? ‘Cause every single one of those days, that I said to myself, ‘good job, you’re movin’ on from Sakura!’ Well, it was a failure from the start, ‘cause I was thinkin’ about you anyway. The truth was, I was just countin’ those days, longin’ to see you.”

His tone was soft, his words not practiced, but flowing freely, coming from the heart. Sakura had never been in this position, and certainly not with Naruto. Confessions had come, from people she’d barely known, from Naruto blurting it out in the streets, but they never made her heart thump against her ribcage like this before. 

There had never been anything from anyone, not even from Sasuke, that was on the same level of earnestness as this.

Naruto continued as if he hadn’t laid his heart bare to her.

“In Taki, they have a lot of specialties. You know, their style of pottery, or the way they weave clothing, and food too. One of Maki-chan’s favourites was saltwater taffy. It’s candy, the chewy kind that gets stuck to your teeth. Her mom was kinda strict about her eating sweets, but she knew how to butter me up, I’d usually get a bag for her once a week. Saltwater taffy comes in all sorts of colours and flavours. Blue, red, orange, yellow, purple, it’s like a rainbow, y’know? I gave Maki-chan whatever she wanted — except the green ones. I kept those for myself. They’re not quite the right shade, obviously don’t got those darker flecks in them, but it was enough.”

Sakura flushed as he looked in her eyes then, searching for those flecks sighing when her eyes darted away.

“Sakura-chan, I went to Taki to learn about diplomacy. To learn about different laws and a different style of government, and I did learn a lot. But my mission was a failure, ‘cause the whole time I was there, I could never shake you. The cherry blossoms, bloomin’ like they did, that was the nail in the coffin. I’ve never felt an ache on my heart as comfortin’ as that, made me face the truth that I don’t want to be free from you. I had to leave Taki, you see, ‘cause I had to return and be here with you. It’s been years, and it’s been tough sometimes, y’know? But I’ve never regretted it, not from the day it started to this one. I’m in love with you, Sakura-chan, and I’ll always wanna be by your side.”

Sakura’s mouth opened and closed several times, Naruto’s face patient as he waited for her. 

Her day had been so long, that last thing she needed was the surge of emotions gripping at her, trying to drown her. 

She loved Naruto, she did, and she never wanted to hurt him — but it wasn’t the same kind of love he was asking for. And even if it hurt him now, her only option, after his sincerity, was to tell him the truth.

“Naruto…I don’t know what to say. This is extremely sweet of you, hearing those words, I can’t say it’s not moving. It’s very flattering to hear this from you, and, honestly, I’m sorry that I caused you this much trouble...but, Naruto, I just don’t think of you that way.”

He looked at her, and she wished it was with frustration, even anger would be better than the adoration in his eyes.

“I know,” he said softly, the warm smile on his face. “It’s okay, Sakura-chan, it ain’t somethin’ you gotta apologize for. But I realized somethin’ in the past thirty-three days, pulling my hair out between my love for Sasuke, and my love for you. Sasuke’s really a big dummy, ain’t he? ‘Cause, if it were me, I would have done backflips if you said you wanted to come with me. There’s no way I wouldn’t have taken you.”

“Naruto...”

“Since we were kids, I’ve always lost to Sasuke. In everything. Our studies, our sparring, taijutsu, genjutsu, ninjutsu, the fights we had — even you. I lost every time, except for when it mattered the most, when it was most important, when I needed to bring him home, I won. And I knew I would, ‘cause it was the most important thing in my life at the time, I knew I would beat him. And you’re just as important as that was to me, Sakura-chan.”

She was flustered. If she were completely honest, she’d always thought Naruto’s ‘love’ for her was hollow, a reflection of his rivalry with Sasuke, but when he mentioned it then, there was a weight to his...love, that she’d never experienced before.

“It’s weird, with the peace and all, I’ve got time, I think. It’s pretty weird, I always felt like I was on a crunch. I needed to become a genin ASAP, and then Hokage just to prove myself. Then, when Sasuke left, we had three years, right? I didn’t mind it at all, giving those three years to Sasuke, but the rest, Sakura-chan? The rest of my life, I wanna give to you, if I could convince you to have it.”

Naruto smiled that smile of his, that sun that kept Takigakure lush, that had Konoha rotating around it. 

Sakura, despite the truth of her heart, wasn’t immune to its charms.

“And I will, that’s a promise.”

Naruto stood up to leave, tutting as the food she had left over, lost in Naruto’s words. “Aw shucks, I yapped your ear off huh? Food’s gotten cold.”

Sakura cleared her throat, still difficult to look Naruto in the eyes when she spoke. “That’s okay, it was delicious. I’ll finish up here and take it home with me.”

“That’s good, I’ll bring some for you tomorrow, and the day after, whenever you want. I’ll cook for you for the rest of your life, if you want.”

“Shut up,” Sakura grumbled, her cheeks hot again, before her eyes snapped up to his amused expression. “Wait, you made this?”

“Yeah, not bad, huh? I learned it in Taki, Junko-chan taught me.”

“Junko-chan...”

Naruto’s eyes widened with surprise before he laughed, “Hey! Don’t be jealous, Sakura-chan, she’s the nanny that worked at Kensuke’s place. She’s, like, sixty!”

“I’m not jealous.”

But Naruto only snickered, as he made his way toward her door. “Maybe my looks can’t compete with Sasuke, but I bet I can seduce ya through your stomach. Though, the next time I hear you moan, I hope it’s not ‘cause of my cookin’.”

“Fuck off!” The tips of her ears burning, now realizing why his face was hot earlier. Sakura threw her crumpled napkin at his face, and he smiled back at her adoringly. 

“Make sure to go home soon, Sakura-chan, I don’t wanna halfta get nee-chan. And, take care of yourself.”

His look this time was a bit more heated, a warm tingle down Sakura’s spine at the sultry curve of his lips.

“Unless you want me to take care of you. That can definitely be arranged, yeah?”

“Leave!”

Naruto ignored her, staying perched at her door, his eyes running over her. He smiled at something that he liked in her expression. “Fine, I’ll leave you alone for now, but remember this. Before they chisel my face into the Hokage’s rock, I’ll chisel my way into your heart.”

Sakura laughed as he left, at his stupid line, at the bubbling emotions that overwhelmed her, and at the silly idea that popped into her head that it wouldn’t be so bad to enjoy this stir-fry everyday. 

[ryanguzmansource]

Full Transcript (8.4.24)

(already posted on RGS here)

M: Recording? Everybody recording?

R: Everybody's recording.

M: Everybody tuned in? We just filmed half the episode and forgot that we weren't recording.

R: No, that was great.

M: Yeah, and that's my time. Man, yo, what up gang? Welcome to the L&L Podcast, where we sit down with a dope individual, get a lecture, learn a little bit about their life, then we get in the lab and create something dope, which is gonna come at a later day, because me and this guest got a real special one that's gonna take some time, so be patient. I promise it's gonna be worth it. In the meantime, there's gonna be a special aspect, a special section of this interview. It's gonna be for Patreon only. It's gonna be Fan Questions and a little mini lab that I haven't told him about yet, because it's gonna be a surprise slash side mission, but yeah, so we're gonna get there, patreon.com/lnlpod.

Join the university right now, it's only $5, and you can get the BTS and the creatives and all the episodes a day early, and for the other seven episodes as well. So this episode is the season one finale.

Yeah, I'm so hyped that y'all made it this far. Season One has been a road. So yeah, you know, we wanna keep doing more and more and more, and we're in a new space. This is the Feybl [pronounced Fable] House, first episode that we gonna do here, and this is gonna be our new home for a while, and it ain't cheap, so all my brands out there, if you wanna sponsor the boy, that'd be great.

[INTRO MUSIC]

M: All right, we're here today with somebody super dope. I've known him for a while now, maybe six years or so through a mutual friend, and since day one that we've met, he's let me into his life and into his home, and he's been a big supporter of me and everything I've been doing these last six years and vice versa and some quick flowers. Multi-talented in so many different facets of art, and we're gonna try to get into all of them in some way, shape or form today. My boy, Ryan Guzman. What's cracking, my boy?

R: What's up, bro? Thanks for having me, man.

M: I appreciate that.

R: I appreciate you.

M: Yeah, you're my dog. You're my dog. I just jumped into it. I wasn't gonna start it this way, but when you told me where you were earlier today, you had a fitting for a season eight for 9-1-1. What kind of weird shit they got you wearing?

R: Nothing weird yet. I mean, I feel like it's more clothes this season than last. The last season, I felt like half naked half the whole season. Nah, I mean, the character's been established now. We kind of know what to expect with the vibe, and now it's just kind of falling back in the old rhythm. And the only thing different now is where the character's head's at and where he's going.

M: Got you. I mean, the majority of what you wear is the firefighter fit anyway.

R: Yeah, a lot of plaid, a lot of cowboy shit.

M: It's legit, though, like the firefighter fits. They're like legit firefighter shit.

R: To an extent. Yeah, there's certain times where we're wearing the actual gear and we'll have to take out the lining because if we're in, say, for instance, 112 degree weather, we got to stay in that shit for like hours. I can cuss?

M: Yeah.

R: All right. We got to stay in that shit for like 12 hours, 14 hours. So we're not trying to do that. So luckily, the wardrobe department helps us out.

M: Because that shit be heavy as hell, bro.

R: I mean, full gear, that's like 50, 60 pounds.

M: See, no, I'm good.

R: Yeah.

M: I'm good. That's why you get paid the big bucks, bro.

R: Yeah.

M: That's dope, man. Okay. Can we talk about where you just came from? With Rosario [Dawson]?

R: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We can talk about that.

M: Cool. Yeah. He just got back from filming over the weekend. It was quick weekend shoot, like in and out?

R: It was full week. Yeah. And how it happened actually was kind of crazy. Like my boy Lamont, shout out to him, he's the writer on the movie, and they had already been filming. So they're like 10, 12 days in. He hit me up and he's like, hey, so this character that we've been writing, like we don't have anybody for him. They have somebody in mind and then Rosario has another person in mind, but we're not sure if they're going to work out with the scheduling and everything. So I'm like, all right, send me the script. Sends me the script.

M: You was plan B, dog?

R: I was plan C, but-

M: I'll take it.

R: Oh man, after I read that thing—cause I'm not thinking nothing like that—I'm like, you know what? I read that. I'm like, all right, now I'm gonna kill this.

M: Okay.

R: Yeah, I want this. And it's a smaller role, it's what I've been looking for, I'm not looking for, like, the lead role right now.

M: Word.

R: I'm looking for something really textured, really, like, fun to do, and this is everything it was. So, like, I get the thing, I hit Lamont back, I'm like yo, whoever you're thinking about, you can tell me. I'ma—I'ma beat them. I need to get—I need this.

M: I need names. Who were they?

R: Yeah. So I can't remember the first person, but the other person was Wilmer Valderama, and that's a close friend to Rosario.

M: Okay.

R: So I almost hit Wilmer, cause I know Wilmer, and I was like, bro, step out. [laughs] But everything worked out the way it should be. So I sent Lamont, you know, my fight background. I sent him me shooting and stuff cause it's an action flick.

M: I was going to say fight background. So your character, you whooping on somebody?

R: Yeah, we get down. So me and Rosario, she's doing like a John Wick kind of thing.

M: Oh.

R: Yeah.

M: So she's the John Wick?

R: She's the John Wick.

M: Let's go.

R: Yeah. I'm the partner.

M: Okay. Good guy partner.

R: Good guy partner.

[INDISTINGUISHABLE]

M: Alright.

R: Either way, though, like the whole thing was just from day one, like, as soon as I get on set, she was the coolest person in the fucking world.

M: Tight. First time working with her?

R: First time working. We have mutual friends. Like I said, Wilmer, we know Wilmer. Another girl named Pantera Sarah. Shout out to her too. But there's so many like individuals that we know, we never crossed paths.

M: Sure.

R: And I heard from all of them, like, when you get to see her, you're going to understand why so many people love her. And I can understand.

M: Quick.

R: I was on a FaceTime with my kids and my mom, and she pops in right behind, and she just like naturally flows into the conversation. She's like, give me a hug kind of thing. And she's like, you know..

M: Those are the kind of people you want to work with, man. Like, there's so many people out there, they can turn such a positive environment and opportunity into just like, yo, get me out of here.

R: I've worked with them.

M: I know.

R: Yeah, I've worked with some idols of mine and I'm like, never meet your idols. idols of mine and I'm like, okay...

M: Never meet your idols, man. That's what they say.

R: Learning experience, yeah.

M: You don't have to say names. Do you have any stories that pop in your head, like when you think of working with people like that, you're like, yo, there's one time, there's one person that was like this.

R: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

M: You don't have to say names.

R: It's a learning experience. As soon as you find out certain people you thought would be, like, really, really talented in one aspect, and you hear that they're using a little ear thing, or they don't even know about the script. I heard one of my idols say, I hope—the movie that I was doing with—goes straight to the trash. I was like, I'm doing a movie with you. Yeah. Like what? Like how do you—? Come to find out it was just for a paycheck. So I'm like, okay. So those kind of things are defeating. But then you work with Rosario Dawson. You work with certain individuals like Angela Bassett.

M: Like, yeah.

R: My God. They give you this new sense of energy, this new like, like, this is why I do this, you know?

M: I was going to save this question for the private one because we already flown in it and you can plead the fifth, bro. But there was another podcast interview from a homie of mine called the No Chaser Podcast. Shout out No Chaser. And he brought on an ex of yours who mentioned that there was an ex of hers who that person worked on a movie where that actress forced him to pretend to be single and went public and faked a relationship for press for the movie.

R: Yeah.

M: Some legitimacy behind that?

R: To fake to be single? Nah, there was no faking to be single, but it did seem like I-I don't know, because I was going everywhere with, we're talking about Jennifer Lopez, right?

M: We are, yeah.

R: I was going everywhere with Jennifer Lopez and, like, rumors get spread and that's kind of what it was. And I'm kind of new to the whole, like, fame thing and at that point, so I done Step Up and stuff, that's a certain fame, but Jennifer Lopez is on a different level. So I wasn't used to everybody being in my business and asking crazy outlandish questions. Seeing me by her side, I'm thinking it's all promotional for the movie, and then it turned into this other thing.

M: Well, I mean, when she's like, you think it's promotion and she's like, yeah, promotion and just slips you one of these or leans in a little bit too close and is like, hey, I'm going to head out. You need to leave with me. Like, just walk me to my car, but don't tell people why. Just let's go.

R: Like, it was nothing like that. It was like, yeah, because had it been like that. She's a vet.

M: She knows what to do.

R: She knows what she's doing. But I, at the time, didn't, and I was just going with the flow pretty much. And I had, yeah, at that point in time, I had a girlfriend. Everything was on the up and up. I told her, you know, everything that was going down and everything. And I think she had been talking to Casper at that point.

M: Jen.

R: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they were on and off and on.

M: That's how I met Jen was through Casper.

R: Relationship kind of thing, yeah. So everything was exactly what it should have been. And again, I'm thinking, I killed this shit on the movie. So I'm like, I want people to see this. So you're asking me to do promotion with you? Yes.

M: Let's go.

R: Let's do it. I'm going to do everything I possibly can. Oh, you want to bring me on a whatever show? I'm there.

M: Yeah.

R: So I'm saying yes to everything. Yeah. So it can be perceived as something else. But to be honest, I never had that interest as crazy as it sounds. I don't know if a lot of people have been like, I'm not that, I'm not that. And if you really know me, then you understand that I'm not that. But yeah, and when I got that, that peek into her lifestyle, it's even more the fact that I don't want to be famous.

M: Yeah.

R: And I don't want all of that, that comes with her and everything. So I'll be a friend of hers.

M: Sure.

R: I'll support her from this side.

M: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the first time I met Jen, I was in her house. I didn't even know it was her house. Casper had a, we were doing something with Ian Eastwood for Tyga, and we were rehearsing at this place, and Casper was like, yo, just do rehearsal at my house. So I show up to Casper's house, and it's in Calabasas. I need a freaking password to get into the neighborhood. All this other shit. I'm like, yo, what is happening? And I pulled to this house. I was like, there's no way a dancer lives here, bro. You got to have like 46-

R: That's the one with the theater room in it, right? Big old theater room.

M: In the studio? Or in the house?

R: In the house.

M: I didn't get to view the whole house. There was like three wings. There was like three wings. I only went where the dance studio slash gym was.

R: I know what you're talking about. It had a big-ass gym and had a boxing bag.

M: Big old gym, boxing. Yeah, a whole set up, bro. And I walk in that joint, and I'm just like, there's no way you live here, bro. So I was like, I don't know whose house this is, but whatever. And then we rehearsing, and Casper's on the call, and he's like, yo, Jen's on her way home. She wants to come in and watch. And everybody's like, oh, no pressure, all that stuff. And I was like, I don't know who the fuck Jen is. Who's Jen?

R: Yeah.

M: Like, there's a million Jens in the world.

R: Ms. Lopez herself.

M: Yeah. And she just got off of work. At the time, I think she was a guest judge on American Idol or something like that. So she comes in, dolled up, heels, whatever, looking like she just got off the fucking national TV show. And then she just walks in, takes her heels off, sits down, wipes her butt, and shakes my hand. And I was just like, well, there go that hand.

R: You haven't washed it since?

M: I mean, I run it under water. Nah, that was a while ago. That was back in, I don't know, 2013, 2014. It's been a while. But I just, yeah, I had no idea this was her crib. And then it clicked, I was like, oh, okay, yeah. All right, Casper, you went, really? How? How do you do that? How do you pull that? Are y'all like Britney and Kevin Fed? Like, K-Fed? Is that what's going on? And they're like, yeah, pretty much. I'm like, all right, this ain't gonna last. This ain't gonna last very long. And it didn't. Shout out to Casper.

R: Yo, that's a crazy shout out right there. That's a crazy shout out.

M: Well, honestly, man, I don't like, I got respect for Casper, everything that he's done. That job, I got through Ian. So like, I don't, you know, credit Casper for like putting me in that situation. I do remember working with Casper one extra time, and he showed up to set as a creative director in rain boots, basketball shorts, and like a peacoat, and that was his fit of choice for the day. So I was like, okay, huh, that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And at that point, I was like, you lost me, bro. Like, you lost me. I don't know what's happening now. No disrespect, though. Like, you're talented, you're cool, like, we cool. But as a person who was your friend for like two hours, we got to talk about that fit. And that's just public help. So working with Jen on the show or in the film was good. It was a good experience.

R: I had a great time.

M: Well, I mean, yeah, we all saw the movie. We saw.

R: Yeah, it was intense on many, many levels.

M: You were like, I need another take. I got to run that back. I can do better.

R: The whole thing was crazy. I was, I mean, obviously, it's Jennifer Lopez. I'm a no name person from Step Up series, which I don't think anybody saw at that time.

M: Yeah.

R: Come to find out later on, it's like one of my bigger movies.

M: Big community.

R: Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to everybody that supported me and all the dancers out there. You know that. So I'm thinking coming in to this thing, like I got to work a trillion times harder as if I just started Step Up. Like I'm not a dancer, I'm not an actor, so I got to work a trillion times harder to get this role. Same thing with Boy Next Door. This girl is established, she's had plenty of things. I'm talking to Selena. So like I need to step up my game in all aspects.

M: No pun intended.

R: And I literally felt every single day the pressure of like, how do I still give her all her glory and shine to make her look good, but also stand out?

M: That's a nice balance. That's a hard balance.

R: Yeah, because you don't want to try and outshine somebody.

M: It's hard to do.

R: Yeah, I mean, but people try and do that and it backfires on them.

M: You look thirsty. Yeah, it looks real bad.

R: It looks really bad. Nobody wants to work with you or anything. So I like—there's a level of respect that you always want to have, and I always gave her that level of respect. It was kind of reciprocated and I think it was an open environment that we created together. So it lent itself to just what it is now and why people enjoy it. And yeah, there's campiness to the movie, which I think again makes it an enjoyable film. If everything was supposed to be serious and everything was supposed to be like—

I was just on a radio show talking about how my character gives her a first edition book that should have never been given to her. And like, there's no way, like unless I robbed the Vatican, I would never have been able to give her this book. So, you know, there is some like level of levity to the whole film. But the whole fact that we were able to work cohesively and play off each other so well and it be kind of nice and comfortable, which was partly because of her as well.

M: Yeah.

R: Yeah, you know, I didn't feel anything crazy and it felt like natural.

M: That's good. That's good. Honestly, man, like, and this is also speaking from slight experience, but there's actors and actresses out there that you got to catch them in certain stages of their life to have those type of experiences with them. I feel like if you would have booked this movie with her maybe two years ago, you probably would have had a completely different experience.

R: Yes, I would have.

M: You know, based on where you are in life but also the things that she's gone through.

R: Yeah, I've heard the other stuff. Yeah, and like I can't relate to be honest.

M: That's great. So, okay. So have you been asked about that specific scene with her before?

R: Too many times.

M: Yeah, kind of like how that came about.

R: Came with a lot of Jen and a lot of Rob, which is the director.

M: Yeah.

R: Those two individuals came with the whole scene. I stayed quiet. I didn't do nothing.

M: You're like, just tell me where you want me.

R: I was like, what? You want me to do what? And with what? What? Okay. Let me wrap my head around this because…

M: Is this your first sex scene?

R: That was my first sex scene.

M: Like in your career? I mean…

R: Yeah, yeah, that was. Yeah.

M: That's scary.

R: Yeah.

M: To have your first sex scene with Jen, bro? Like, she's already a sex icon.

R: All these different things. And like, bro, I got nervous at one point in time in the middle of filming. I think it was like our first or second take. And I was supposed to pick her up and I grabbed her. And I was so nervous.

M: Is this okay?

R: Nah, I grabbed her and I accidentally put too much behind it. And I threw her ass into the roof. Like, she hit her head into the roof. And I was like, oh my God. I'm like, I just damaged the like, the lead of the film.

M: Am I fired?

R: Yeah, I'm thinking like, I'm blushing and everything. I'm like, I'm freaking out.

M: I'll get my stuff.

R: Exactly. They already found out. Casper's about to swoop in and take the ball. But it's one of the things, like the whole time, I'm trying to stay calm and copacetic and just be like, alright, where do you need me? What do you need me to do? And I don't want to make it a weird, it's already weird to be doing a sex scene amongst like, in general, you know, seven, eight people.

M: Yeah.

R: And a bunch of, you look up, a bunch of dudes are just sitting there like this. [stares]

M: Like, all right, look.

R: Yeah.

M: Go get a snack, man.

R: It's not as sexy as everybody thinks it is, no matter who you're doing it with.

M: Right. It's still awkward.

R: It's still very awkward.

M: See, I could, man, like—the first time, I mean, once you've done a couple, okay, your first one ever being with Jen, I'm questioning, can I ask, can I, is this like consent? You know what I mean?

R: Yeah. I mean, luckily again, she was the one controlling everything and I think that's how it should be in the sex scenes where, you know, females are just like, you know, I'll give you my two cents on where I feel like the character is coming from.That being said, like, tell me what you're comfortable with, because I will not, I don't want to step over the boundaries or anything like that. So, and she was, and she is that kind of person. She's very directional. So she knows which direction she wants to go to. And Rob, you know—this is another thing, like nobody would understand how awkward this situation was. As much as it looks sexy, we're trying to sell that sexiness and intimacy.

Picture this: me, Rob is right here. He's like, alright, you're gonna lower your hand. Okay, then you're gonna go to her neck. So, it's not like…

M: You got a grown man whispering in your ear while you're trying to touch on Jennifer Lopez.

R: I got a grown man telling me how to make love to this woman.

M: I know what I'm doing, Rob.

R: Yeah. So, it's not what it seems. And the whole fact that people resonated with that and that scene kind of went so much. It's like, we did our job then.

M: Yeah.

R: Because you don't feel a person right next to me talking to me like this.

M: And honestly, and you telling me that like, your real mindset was like… The first thing that it went to was, I feel like this is what the character needs, as opposed to, Mikey is about to touch Jennifer, not my character is about to touch her character.

R: Yeah, not gonna go that way.

M: You know what I mean? So to have that switch is like, that's hard to do, brother.

R: For me, it's not, to be honest. And I think maybe also being in a relationship at the same time, like, I did feel weird, because I mean, yes, we're actors and we're doing what we're told to do. But in my personal life, I'm giving my everything to this girl.

M: Sure.

R: You know, and you know me, I happen to be very devout when it comes to being respectful to my women that I'm with, and I don't want to cross any of those boundaries. So I'm forced to cross this boundary in this film. Yeah. So I'm like, alright, I got to make this more businesslike. And I know a lot of men out there, you know, a lot of friends out there would come to me and be like, nah, bro, if I was in this situation...

M: But you're not.

R: That's why you didn't get the job.

M: But you're not.

R: And that's why you probably wouldn't be in it. So like, you know, I have to get the respect to who I'm working with.

M: Is there any role out there that you feel uncomfortable with? Are you like down for whatever? Are you one of those actors that's like…

R: No, I got my boundaries.

M: You got your boundaries? Good, good, good.

R: Yeah. And I don't think I'll ever, you know, really explain my boundaries.

M: Voice those, yeah. That's for you.

R: Yeah. It'll just be like, no, I don't want to do that.

M: Got you.

R: I'm gonna stay over here.

M: Got you. Is it more situations or like characters in general?

R: All the above. It depends on what I'm resonating with or not resonating with. Because I want the character now, at this point in my life, I need the character to resonate in truth.

M: Yeah.

R: You know, even if it's a comedy or not, right, you know, I'm trying to up my acting as much as I can every single year.

M: I feel you.

R: So if I can't be truthful in it, then I don't feel like I'm doing it justice.

M: Yeah. I mean, as an aspiring actor, I know, you know, I've been like taking classes. I'm not like anywhere near what you got going on. But you know that it's a goal one day and I'm working towards it. You know, you already start the picture in your mind, your dream goals, but then like your dream roles. But you also start the picture like—because I'm so new and you feel like you want to say yes to everything because you don't have anything on your resume yet. Like if a major motion picture, John Wick 7, whatever, I don't even know what number they're on now, hits me up and we're like, yo, we want you to play a role and be a significant part of the film. It's really hard to say no to something like that, but they're like, you have to play a racist who says the n word 46 times. I have trouble living with myself being that character. You know what I mean?

R: You have every right to at the same time. Like you don't—just because it's Quentin Tarantino doesn't mean you have to do it.

M: I know.

R: But it is Quentin Tarantino. So a lot of people will be like, all right, well, I got the pass now. You know?

M: Yeah.

R: I got the culture pass like...

M: Yeah, it's for the arts, for the films, for you know.

R: And if it is meant, it's all about how you interpret it. And so anybody that does do certain things that I probably wouldn't do, there's nothing against any of that. And they found their way through that, and you know, it probably came out with an incredible, you know, performance.

M: Yeah.

R: What was the BlacKkKlansman? That? Yeah. Like, so you see certain people do certain things on that. You're like, oh, I don't know if I could do that.

M: I probably couldn't do it.

R: So, you know, all power to them, and we're all storytelling at the same time. So there's an understanding and a kind of like acknowledgement that this is for an art and this is for the story itself, this has no representation on your personal life.

M: Yeah.

R: But again, it's the interpretation of the artist.

M: Also, though, with that, it is not a personal, like, indication on who you are as a person. But when it's your first project and you blow up from it, a lot of people recognize you as that. Somebody who's already established, who have done 10, 20 different roles at this point, you know, Johnny Depp comes out with a movie tomorrow where he's super racist. No one's gonna look at him as the racist guy in the street. They're like, he's playing a role.

R: Exactly.

M: But if you've never seen me before in your life and now every time you see me, you just think of, oh, he's the one that was…

R: Oh, he's that guy that did that.

M: He's that guy from the—You hate me no matter what. Even though you know it's a role.

R: Yeah.

M: You know what I mean?

R: That's gonna be the nature of the business, man.

M: You said that a little too believable, man. You said that a little too believable.

R: But literally, that's how it's gonna be for the rest of your acting career, man. People are gonna resonate with a certain character from your career, and they'll always see you as that character. When I go out, nowadays, I'm either Sean from Step Up—

M: Or you Eddie

R: Or I'm Eddie from 911. I'm not Ryan. And I gotta understand that. So the way I break the barrier down is, when you come up to me as a fan of the show or a fan of the character, I come up back to you and I'm like, hey, so what's your name? Tell me something about you. And that kind of breaks this whole, like, you know, actor barrier that allows it a little bit more ease, and then you get to see Ryan rather than Eddie. But that's something that you'll come upon, like John Wick 7 comes through and you have to be this crazy person over here and that somebody sees you as that person for the next couple years.

M: It's the nature.

R: That's the nature. You gotta learn how to navigate.

M: You got to be the guy who slept with JLo for a couple of years though. That was who people saw you as.

R: Yeah, that was crazy. Yeah, I mean, that's on so many levels.

M: I'll do that. I'll take that.

R: You could tell the type of fan because it was Step Up and Boy Next Door at that time. And certain fans show up and I'm like, oh, Step Up from the jump. Step Up. Alright. And then the other person be like, looking at me a little differently, alright. I know what scene you're thinking of.

M: Well, let's pick up with Step Up. That audition process, because you weren't a dancer before. And I'm pretty sure out of all, was it like four or five, five films, five Step Ups?

R: Now there's five.

M: Five, yeah. Out of all five step ups, I'm pretty sure Rob Hoffman was the only one who was a dancer prior as far as lead roles go. You get a, you get a call from your agent saying there's an audition for a role. Can you dance? Or I guess the audition process of Step Up specifically, because as a dancer, we know what our audition is like as dancers for a step up film. But like as an actor role, like walking through that a little bit.

R: Yeah. So I just got my manager like two, three months prior.

M: That's a good manager.

R: Yeah, man. I stayed with him this whole time. Like shout out to Tim Taylor. Yeah. I hear from another individual they're going out for the bad guy in Step Up. Like the guy that's trying to take down all the people that are trying to do these flash mobs.

M: He's so mean. He just looked like it.

R: I hear this and I'm like, bro, alright, I need to try, at least try, you know. I've seen the first Step Up. I really liked it. I love dancing. Even though I'm not a professional dancer, they would have like little sessions, little battles and stuff in Sacramento. And I remember I throw myself in the middle of the circle.

M: Got a big community over there.

R: Yeah, I love it. It's like a Bay Area influence, but we're not the Bay. So it's like, you know, we're the capital. We have our own little vibe too. So I would love to be in those like little situations. I'm like, alright, I know I have rhythm. I know I can dance. I'm not on that level, but I'm competitive. So just throw me in there real quick as like one of the side characters. And then my manager hits me back that same day. He's like, alright, you got an audition for the lead role. No, I said side character. I don't know if you heard me. And he goes, no, no, no, you're not a side character. You're a leading man. Like, so you're going to go out for the leading man. Again, for him to have that kind of vision for me, like that set my career path. I read it. I called a friend of mine. We went over the audition. I did my best version of Channing Tatum.

M: Which is what? Which is what?

R: I can't even tell you right now, because I like-

M: Let's see it, let's give me your Channing.

R: It was a version of Step Up 1, you know, like endearing, but kind of like got the street wisdom to it, and like I can move, and I got that little like, I don't know, the charisma was there and everything.

M: Well, he was a stripper before, so that kind of helps.

R: He was a stripper. Yeah, I wasn't a stripper. So he had all that in his bag, but for me it's...

M: There's still time. Magic Mike 5.

R: I'm gonna follow this man's career the whole time.

M: Why not?

R: Yeah, so I went in there, I did my thing and then, bro, that was the longest audition process I've ever had in my entire life. It was four or five acting auditions and then four or five dance auditions on top. So I remember doing the first audition hearing right away that I'm gonna get a call back. I'm flipping. So I'm like, okay. And the next audition was a dance audition. I'm like, I didn't know that. Okay, we gotta go there. So I'm on YouTube trying to figure out like, what's the new move out there? Like, how do I even get into this choreo thing?

M: I was gonna say, you gotta learn choreo or they want you to freestyle?

R: I didn't know, but I was gonna prepare both.

M: Regardless, yeah

R: And mind you, I showed up not prepared because like, you can only prepare so much in the night. So, or even a week. And I come in and come to find out I'm going to Jamal Sims, like, leading choreographer out there. And he's still doing, killing things right now. And he's teaching the choreographed session to Chris Brown's song. I can't remember what song it was, but—and then Don Draco Johnson was helping out as well.

M: Yeah, Draco.

R: And man, after a certain amount of time, like, you know what, I'm just going to be, again, competitive. I come from, you know, sports. I come from fighting. I'm going to just try outwork them. I know I don't have the talent they do, so I might as well just outwork these motherfuckers. So, like, that's what I did, and I think it kind of showed. And later on, we got paired up. I think it was four of us, Misha. Gabriel was up for the role of the main guy. And then I remember the last audition, they brought us all in, and they kind of just paired us up as duos. And they were trying to find the best friend kind of dynamic, and they found me.

M: He ended up being the best friend, right?

R: He ended up being the best friend, yeah. And it was his first acting role, my first acting role. Obviously had dance experience with MJ and everything. So I was leaning heavily on these people. Then I got the role, and then honestly that changed my life. And I met my family, my Step Up family to this day.

M: Yeah.

R: You know what I call my family. So Draco, Twitch, Marvelous, Bianca Brewett and Tony Bellissimo, all these individuals I still keep in contact with.

M: Y'all had a good squad, man.

R: Yeah, man.

M: For those films. And what I'll say too, and this is something that I told one of my last guests, my boy Terrence. You know Terrence Green? Ex-dancer who's one of the characters in the Step Up TV show, The High Water.

R: I met him through Marvelous, actually. Yeah. He sings and dances, right? Or no, he raps.

M: Raps, Yeah. So we were talking about his audition a little bit. And what I told him, when it comes to auditioning for a role like that, you're looking for an actor who can dance, not a dancer who can act, because acting is harder than dancing. And you wouldn't think it is, but it is. And like you can clearly out dance me.

R: Can you sell the role?

M: 80% of the movie is conversation. And then 20% of it is dance. So if you can't hold a conversation, if you can't deliver a line like that, even as good as the dancing is, it's not going to matter. You know what I mean? If you're a good enough dancer, but people are going to want to hear you talk more, then we can shadow the dancing, put you in your best limelight in these moments and then let the professional dancers around you carry the dance aspect of it. You know what I mean?

R: 100%.

M: So acting comes first, and then what you need me to do as the character when it comes to physicality, as long as, like you said, you have the will to be competitive and to learn and adapt quick and learn quick, and I have to be told things twice and you're willing to work at it. Those things can happen a lot quicker for you than, hey, you have to go learn how to deliver a line. That takes time to build a character and learn that, you know what I mean?

R: Yeah, I wanted my best just to, I think that that's the key to success in anything, to be honest. Stay open to people that are way more knowledgeable about whatever you're trying to get into, and I just happen to be blessed to be around some of the greatest dancers of all time.

M: Facts.

R: And again, shout out to my brother.

M: Thank you, man, I appreciate that. That's love, man.

R: So, it's like, yeah, man, I've had a great opportunity to be surrounded by some incredible individuals, and my success is partly because of them. So, yeah.

M: You know, you're on 9-1-1, what, nine months of the year, right? And then when you're off, you go shoot a movie real quick in a week, and so you're always trying to stay working. Do you find time to go watch film? Like, do you watch movies? Do you go watch, you go to the theater?

R: All the time. Yeah, I try to. Yeah, because I mean, I feel like I'm just starting, to be honest. I didn't call my, I've said this in so many other interviews. I didn't call myself an actor for the longest time, just because I felt like so many other people were more talented than me. And again, I was going off the basis, like I'm just gonna outwork you. And to this day, I've only had one acting lesson, like one acting class.

So I'm not pulling from the stereotypical thing or what most actors would come from, that background. So I'm like, this is gonna be degrading to hear, this man comes out of nowhere, doesn't want class, and gets all these jobs.

M: With some Will Smith shit.

R: Yeah, I can't do that to these individuals, these artists. So let me just shut up about my stuff and do my thing. And it wasn't until a couple years ago, my boy Kenny Choi, who's on 9-1-1, straightened me out and gave me some wise words. And he's since then been my voice of reason in this whole acting game. And has handed me books that I've been reading and learning. So, yes, it's been a process. So like, I always stay open to new movies, to new act—like Austin Butler is killing things right now. Shia LaBeouf has always been on his game.

M: Directing game, you say.

R: Just in general, like these individual artists have this captivating, you know, sense of who they are as an actor, that when you see them on a big screen, their minimal movement allows you to be like, engaged. Oh my God.

M: For sure.

R: So that's what you really want to study is like, you know, how do I encapsulate that in my own way? And then how can I continue to build each time? What I love, like an actor like Robert Downey Jr. who's had a successful career since he was young, and he's still getting better. Like, he does roles now that we've never seen him do. And just like, how you still kind of outdoing yourself, that's the type of artist I want to be.

M: Just continue to build and try to find new ways to adapt and bring on new characters. So with that, so going back to you watching film, movie of the year.

R: Movie of the year...

M: And there's a right answer, don't fuck this up.

R: Movie of the year, I don't know if I have a movie of the year.

M: I watch this movie every day, Cause of Zo, but continue.

R: Cause of Zo?

M: Yeah.

R: Oh man, so you're going kid movie? No?

M: You would think.

R: Damn, um...I loved Everything Everywhere All at Once. To be honest, it was so outlandish, it was crazy.

M: That last year too though?

R: That was last year too. So this year?

M: Yeah. I mean, I mean,

R: I don't know.

M: It's already July.

R: Yeah. To be honest, I don't know. Nothing, nothing pops into my mind.

M: Dang, you heard it here first. Ryan thinks every movie that came out this year is trash.

R: I've been more in the TV shows, to be honest.

M: Okay, so which TV show?

R: The Bear.

M: The Bear?

R: The Bear is incredible.

M: Okay.

R: Yeah. Have you seen it?

M: Nah, I saw Cocaine Bear. That was crazy.

R: Nah, not that one. The Bear is on the second season or third season.

M: Okay.

R: Third? Yeah. And just the cinematography alone is top tier, but the acting itself is incredible.

M: I'm gonna peep it up.

R: Yeah, Shogun was amazing. I don't know if you've seen that one.

M: Which one?

R: Shogun.

M: Shogun. Okay. Nah, I haven't seen it. I know what it is, though.

R: Shogun is incredible. But those kind of like… I think a lot of what we thought was back in the day, I'm talking about like you, you know, the movie star or TV star, they blended this now with the whole streaming services. So we're seeing a lot of movie stars go into television.

M: Yeah.

R: They're telling what they couldn't do in two-hour movie or three-hour movie into a full-length series, and that's why I kind of lead more towards the series.

M: No, I feel like that's a lot of people's goals right now, because first off, when people like—I couldn't tell you their actor names right now, but when the three leads in Big Bang Theory started banging out a million dollars an episode, and then you go for 15 seasons of 15 to 20 episodes per season, like that's… Yeah, let's do that.

You know what I mean? Let's do that. I could see why being a lead in a TV series that pushes the, you know, Grey's Anatomy of the world and like all of those people who just keep banging out seasons and then you forget the show even exists, but there's enough fans out there to make season 36 for no reason because there's still money coming in.

Like that's the ultimate goal in longevity in this kind of… You know what I mean? As far as finances go anyway, and like being able to hold a character with so much value for so long.

R: Yeah, that's why I have so much gratitude towards 9-1-1.

M: Being Eddie, yeah.

R: Yeah, man. I mean, we're on our eighth season and we're kind of a dying breed, to be honest, as a procedural. There's not too much of procedural is out right now that are successful and making the numbers that we are. So again, to the crew and the cast that create this show, it's just like we've been on cloud nine. And I feel like most of us now that have been here for the long haul have depth now in that gratitude.

So, yeah, to your point, yeah, man, and like having longevity is everything you need. And then having the ability to kind of like step outside and do a movie every now and then. You know, Angela Bassett, bro, like, I'm working with one of the top actresses in the world. And then I get to go play some other actress-Rosario Dawson. I'm literally living in my dream. And it's a pinch me moment all the time. So, yeah.

M: All right. So my favorite movie of the year.

R: What was it?

M: And I want you to find a way to be a part of the third one. Somehow, someway, Godzilla x Kong: New Empire.

R: That was it?

M: Did you see it?

R: I saw Godzilla Minus One, which was incredible.

M: Yes, but not bro. Kong, Godzilla, some epic shit. First of all, one of my favorite like movie. Maybe I just like Gorillas, bro. Maybe I see what it is because I love the Planet of the Apes series.

R: Oh, that was a good one too, yeah.

M: You know what I mean? I mean, they just dropped a new one that was OK. I think it's because of the lack of the Caesar character not being in this one. Maybe just kind of threw me a little bit. But the other three, I just love that shit, right? But Kong x Godzilla from…And I watched a lot of BTS and how they wrote it and what they wanted to do with it. They made Godzilla thinner, more agile, diving in the shit, doing the most. Kong got a gray beard because he's getting old, bro.

R: So the aesthetics got you.

M: Yeah, the way they're building it and the connection between it, but then the way they got the action of them teaming up and fighting the other shit was bugged. The characters behind it, the way they—I don't know, bro. I'm gonna send you a BTS video. And I had you tap in because I think you could find it on Amazon Prime. That's where I watch it. But Zo asked for it every day, every single day. And I bought him the toys and he just got some toys he watches and he does the thing. But I'm super into it. I fucking loved it.

R: I'll check it out just because you said.

M: You're welcome. You're welcome.

R: Alright. Yeah, but the Godzilla Minus One was nice.

M: It was. It was.

R: It brought you back to the actual like rendition, first rendition.

M: Yeah, where it's less about Godzilla and it's more about the character.

R: Them being scared of this massive ass lizard walking around killing people. Yeah.

M: Yeah. Could you imagine like some real life shit having titans in this world? Even if like you're not by it, but you know that they're there.

R: No amount of martial arts, no amount of, like, weaponry can help you.

M: There's nothing.

R: No, you just got to sit back and watch this thing.

M: Find a bunker.

R: Yeah, bro. I'm digging a big asshole in the earth.

M: Huge.

R: Yeah. And I'm putting my family and friends in it.

M: 100%.

R: Yeah. That sounds bad, but I'm going to make a bunker.

M: Yeah. I'm going to get a hole and put my friends in it. Yeah. [talking to someone off camera] I'm going have you grab that. Can you grab that for me, bro? That paper and that metal thing.

Okay. So me and Ryan are about to do something a little fun, but at the same time, I'm going to ask him some fan questions. So this segment of the show is going to be on Patreon. So go to patreon.com/lnlpod to see the extended version and catch this part of the show. Go right now.

[PATREON Q&A. APPROX 15 MINUTES]

R: [talking about the film The Present and the advice costar Isla Fisher gave him.] You know, I thought it was funny and I thought it was, you know, really quality stuff. So it showed me that like, yeah, what she's saying is correct. I need to believe in myself a little bit more. Even having a 14-year successful career, I think people should understand that I didn't feel that for the longest time. I did not believe in myself and I felt like I was always again, trying to outwork the individual. Since I put in so much work already, I kind of need to sit back and realize and let it sit in and take advantage of it and shout out to her and many other individuals that allow me to kind of reflect on that.

M: Bro, like people, 14 years is a lot. And I know we compare ourselves to those we look up to and we go, they've been successful for 40 years. They've done this, that, and third. Until I'm that, I ain't shit, which ain't true because you got to remember that that's the 1% of the industry. To have that kind of success. You know what I mean? Having a 14-year career, where you have multiple projects, people would dream to do one of them and never get the chance to do. Their entire resume is extras on set for things.

R: Yeah.

M: You know what I mean? Or just praying, like, I hope they give me one line, so I can say I acted in this movie.

R: Yeah.

M: You know what I mean?

R: Yeah.

M: So like, from going from Step Up to Boy Next Door to 9-1-1 and everything in between, and even some of the smaller stuff you've done and the bigger stuff you've done, these are all things that you gotta be proud of, man.

R: I got you, thank you.

M: You gotta be proud of, because one is leaf-frogging you to the next, you know what I mean? And you don't have to feel like it's a fresh start every single time, because you know that what got you there is the past and everything that you presented yourself in before.

R: Yeah.

M: You know what I mean?

R: Yeah. Thank you for that. I take that. And again, when I do get stuff like this now, I try to take it a little differently than I would before. I mean, beforehand, I probably would have been like, oh, thank you so much, you know that. And I still not think that way. But right now, I'm really allowing that to marinate the individual, so I appreciate what you say. Thank you.

M: Yeah, no, fuck it. I mean, you got to respect yourself enough to be like—know that there's so much more I can do and so much more room to grow. And that's the exciting part. But I'm not going to pretend like I ain't done shit in my life either. I'm not going to pretend like my resume is not something about, you know what I mean? Like I've done some cool shit. And I feel you, and same with dance, man. Like there's, when someone books me on a job or as a choreographer or brings me out to a country to teach. And sometimes I sit there and I get like…

R: Imposter syndrome?

M: Imposter syndrome, where I'm just like, man, do I even deserve to be on this lineup with these other hitters? And I'm like, yeah, because they wouldn't have asked me to be here, bro.

R: Yes, you do.

M: They wouldn't have asked me to do this if like I wasn't. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like they spent all this money on me to bring me out to this country to do all this with all these people. Like they see me in line with these people for a reason. Why the fuck don't I? You know what I mean? So like, I hear you. But then you got to remind yourself.

R: Sometimes it takes somebody else outside to really acknowledge that and then you to hear that. Because I remember when I first met you, I'd already known about your dancing. I've seen plenty of videos. And I don't know if you remember when I came up to you. I was like, bro, I'm a huge fan.

M: Yeah.

R: Yeah.

M: Yeah.I introduced myself and you're like, I know who you are. I was like, pssst.

R: Like, nah, bro, I know exactly what you are in. Like, it shows, like, you know, like to get to where you are in your dance, and it takes years upon years, but also you have to find your own little niche, your own little style, and you did. And that style has resonated with so many other individuals. So again, giving you your flowers back, it's just like, yeah, man, I would like to recognize what you offer to this whole artistic spectrum in the dance community.

M: Yo, thank you, man. That's fucking love, man. I really appreciate that kind of shit. You don't hear it too much and you get in your head a lot. But from one friend to another, man, if you need that reminder, man, you call me.

R: I appreciate that, bro.

M: You call me.

R: That's what we need to show more of, man. You know, like, man, helping each other out, you know. A lot of us, I feel like, and I've spoken on this on plenty of other platforms. It's just like we got toughen up. And to an extent, yeah, I get that. You know, you do have to be tough as a man.

M: Time and place.

R: And time and place. But like you also have to have your brothers to to open up to it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we all got here as a community. No one got here by themselves. So, yeah, you know-

M: And we gonna stay there as a community.

R: Exactly. The stronger your community, the stronger you'll be.

M: All the most successful dancers, actors in the world, people you look up to, all have teams that have been together since the jump. You know what I mean?

R: All right, let me see this.

M: All right, all right, all right. So before we reveal these, we're back from the Patreon. All right, we back in the episode. We're going to wrap this up here. What we did on Patreon is we got a sketchbook and he drew me and I drew him while we did some fan questions. So we're going to reveal these pictures as the last little segment before we head out.

Before we show these pictures, I just want to give a quick sign off. Everybody, please join the Patreon and enjoy that. Spotify, Apple Podcast, please give a five-star review and check out the other seven episodes and keep an eye out for Season Two that's coming.

If you're on YouTube, like, subscribe, all of that, comment, share with your mom and your grandmama, all them peoples. Spread the word. We want to make Season Two even bigger and better and keep bringing y'all quality. Keep an eye out for The Lab between me and Ryan because it is a special project, but it is a big project. It's gonna take some time. He's back filming 9-1-1, so it might take some time.

We're gonna write some things together. We're not gonna tell you the idea because we don't want none of y'all biting it because we know how y'all get. But it's a pretty good concept. It's a really good idea. It's gonna be a short film that involves comedy, acting and dancing. And we've already been chopping it up about it.

So keep an eye out for that, but it's gonna take some time. Be patient. But the more Patreon members, the more money that comes in, the bigger the budget is gonna be, and the better we can make the project. So please show love. We appreciate it. Ryan, anything you want to say before we head out?

R: Man, all love to you and all love to this, that you cultivated yourself, man, and everybody that watches this. I hope you are thriving in all the dreams that you choose to give your energy to.

M: Thank you, man. All right. Enough of that talk, man. All right. Me first, you first?

R: I go first.

M: You go first? Yeah, yeah, all right, all right, all right. Damn! Alright, you get close up, get close up. Yeah.

R: Yeah, mine was a quick sketch, so I couldn't put too much detail to it.

M: Just a quick little whatever, man. Oh, shit.

R: Yeah, yeah.

M: Yeah, you kept it small. I should have made mine smaller. Probably would have been cleaner.

R: Yeah.

M: Yeah. I'm keeping that. Don't throw it out. And you got to keep this one, too. It's better to go in the fridge.

R: I put it in my refrigerator, yeah.

M: Bro, so when Mateo [Ryan's son] asked who drew that, he knows, what's up, Uncle Mikey rocked this, all right?

R: Hey, you captured my facial hair. In the… In my little swoop. Am I swooping right now? Yeah, you got my swoop.

M: I caught the swoop.

R: Yeah, the mic looks like a mic.

M: Yeah, you know, it's mic-ish.

R: I appreciate your effort.

M: Yeah. Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

R: Why I look like Joe Campbell?

M: I made the head a little long. Your head is not this long. I didn't have an eraser.

R: Yeah, me neither, bro.

M: No, whatever. All right, well, I'm going to let you keep this. Yeah, you can put it.

R: Let me sign this for you, too.

M: Yeah, yeah, sign that. Sign that. You know, I have a picture in my bathroom. It's a lion. It's a drawn lion from 98. It's beautiful. My uncle did it. Yeah. He was an artist back in the day and like used to draw a lot of shit and he framed it and gave it to me. His name is Matthew DellaVella.

R: Okay.

M: He signed it "M. DellaVella"

R: M. DellaVella. So technically you're an artist.

M: I've been taking full credit for that painting and that drawing since I was a child.

R: Clearly, you made that painting.

M: People go into my bathroom when they use it, when they visit and they go, yo, that's, I saw, and you drew that? Yeah, man, like it's a long time ago. I don't really do that anymore, but it was fun back in the day.

R: So I need to get a frame for this, to be honest.

M: Yeah, you should, man. This is cold. This is, man, my mic is better.

R: Yeah, your mic is better.

M: Well, I did a mic stand, so I got the arm.

R: You got the arm for sure.

M: Yeah, yeah.

R: Yeah.

M: Yeah, no, this is quite lovely. This is quite lovely, Ryan. Thank you.

R: I appreciate that, bro.

M: Thank you my boy. Love you bro.

[frogs-in3-hills]

also thought i should say i really liked the kyrie work happening in the ep7 tea party and what she says to eva is especially interesting to me bc while it acts as the climax of our revelation of what kind of person kyrie is, it also goes against everything we’ve learned about her so far. there’s so much to dig into with her saying she doesn’t care about ange and will just happily let her die. i think my thought process was like wow what an insanely abhorrent thing to say what the fuck is wrong with her. well. hold on obviously that sucks bad but society puts a lot of very particular weight on mothers failing to love their children as like the highest sin a woman can commit, so i should step back from my feelings of disgust, because is the implication of what she’s said actually worse than orchestrating mass fucking murder? the moment is asking to be analyzed and i think there’s a couple of interpretations there.

1) she was (rena voice) LYING because she wanted eva not to feel anger towards ange and instead view her as a victim of kyrie’s horrible awfulness, so that maybe eva will raise her well instead of taking it out on her. obviously this works out great. kyrie would be assuming that she’s going to die or perhaps is just covering her bases. just fully taking on a villainous role, which we know she has a measured sort of ironic self acknowledgement of. scapegoating herself it’s like a thing that women do in this game sometimes ithink. this option also softens the impact of her statement and removes culpability by making it secretly virtuous which is why i think it’s maybe my least favorite but i wtill wouldn’t be mad if it were the case

2) kyrie my compartmentalizing queen has learned that her husband is dead and she doesnt know where battler is. before now her priority has been to “keep what’s hers” and with the death of rudolf she’s failed to do that. it’s time to cut our losses!! she cannot deal with the magnitude of her grief in this moment so she (rena voice) LIES to eva and to herself like haha it’s fine i didn’t like that stupid kid anyway she has a gay vibe i can still be a functional human being if my whole family is dead. but it’s not true. she can’t function and she knows that. and maybe just a little she let eva kill her. she tried so hard to change her priorities in a snap and do a 180 but she only managed to turn like 90 degrees

3) my favorite is if she’s just has some sort of horrible emotional problems with conceiving of herself as anything other than ontologically evil, as stated above, and she genuinely thinks that she doesn’t love ange and never has. regardless of whether or not this is actually true, she believes it about herself. she literally does this shit all the time where she will just openly state her deepest fears and self loathing but she laces it so heavily in her terrible smug confidence that nobody can see what she’s admitting to or tell that she’s actually fucking miserable under this mask that she will never ever take off. like the fact that she relies so much on her chessboard theory is actually sooo telling like she can’t just understand other people she has to ritualize it and talk about spinning the board around just to make basic steps in communicating with & connecting with other people. like that phenomenon where undiagnosed autists think that they have aspd because they can’t process their feelings. or maybe she just straight up does have aspd. using both ��diagnoses” loosely of course i don’t believe in psychiatry esp as a framework of character analysis but do you get me. she’s so for real she’s like yeah i hate that bitch because i’m evil <- doesn’t hate that bitch, not evil (aside from the multiple. murders.)

like i think its rlly important to look at ep4 where in what kyrie understands as her dying moments, she tells battler he’s her son. let me take a second to bang my head against the wall in actual agony while we’re thinking about that. ok? anyway like whether she’s lying or she just thinks she’s lying there, her express goal is to get battler to survive. she cares about him, demonstrably, there is no possible ulterior motive she could have here, even though countless times she’s said she doesn’t even like him and he represents her 18 years of hell or whatever and he totally ruined her life. and yes she does tell rudolf she’ll kill battler if he can’t be convinced and i think that’s TRUE but i also think that SHE thinks that rudolf can’t be trusted to get battler on board if she doesn’t light a fire under his ass. if she wasn’t prepared to kill battler i honestly don’t think she would have committed to killing those other guys but i think her preference is for him to survive. it’s not like we can take her cold calculating tone as straightforward evidence because rudolf is like ahaha yeah i’ll kill him. yippee. even though when battler played dead in ep6 he was literally fucking crushed and sobbing over him and everything

and like she’s acting out this weird possessive motherhood where she loves her blood daughter deeply and despises her stepson, and both of these are integral to the kind of motherhood she is performing, but both of them end up being complicated. these actions that make her feel like a good mama bear, she has actually failed to complete internally, bc on some level she loathes ange and possibly loves battler as a son. and in true kyrie fashion she’s gonna take both of these things in stride and integrate them into her most visible layer of selfhood (see how she tells battler she’s his son as calmly as one possibly can, like it’s not a revelation for her, it feels like someone leaving to the grocery store and you forget something so you call after them through the door to put it on the list) so that she doesn’t actually have to deal with how horrible and stupid and like a failure it makes her feel. if she pretends she doesn’t have interiority then that interiority isnt a problem right? don’t worry it’s normal for girls to have a moderate inferiority complex

[lightlycareless]

saw this and immediately thought of naoya after discovering y/n’s favorite pokemon.

Heya!!!

First of all, thank you so much for sending this adorable ask omg hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's literally perfect because I always write that Y/N is like, obsessed with Gengar 😂 so it wouldn't be surprising that she had something like this.

And secondly, I apologize for taking a while to come back to you! I tend to reply to asks in the order they come, or which one is easier for me to write at the moment, either way, I'm still grateful for your ask ❤️❤️❤️

I hope what I wrote is enough to make up for the wait :> happy reading!

warnings: none. fluff. naoya is jealous OF A PLUSHIE.

Naoya absolutely hated getting you that Gengar.

He was all for it though, at first at least. Because to him, this represented nothing but an easy way to gain more of your affection, his mind envisioning something like this (let’s say he took you to a date to the fair):

“I win Y/N a plushie. It’s her favorite plushie. She’s happy I got her the plushie. She kisses me for winning her the plushie. She marries me because I got her the plushie. We have kids because I got her the plushie.”

A win-win situation, right?

Well, up to the kissing part it was—because as soon as you grab Gengar, it’s like Naoya completely disappeared from your life.

There’s not a single moment you’re not with it, whether keeping you company by the couch when watching a movie, in the backseat whenever driving to the city, waiting by the futon while you come out of a shower… or even dressing it up with silly hats and hair clips, because why not.

However, the worst part wouldn’t come from any of those things. No—as frustrating as they were, Naoya was still capable of tolerating them, to some degree at least.

The bane of his existence would appear the moment he realized that not even when laying next to you after a long day of work did that stupid Gengar leave you alone!

Breaking his heart when you’d cuddle the damn plushie instead of him.

That’s when Naoya really began to have issues with it.

It got so bad, that he even considered getting rid of it—have it magically disappear, imply that maybe one of the staff members accidentally threw it into the trash, or you forgot it somewhere, highly possible since you essentially take it everywhere you go!!

And Ranta, as always, would be the voice of reason, telling him that doing such a thing was nothing short of highly inappropriate, and if you get to know the truth, his relationship with you would be critically affected.

“So??? It’s not like she’s actually going to leave me if I do that, you know?!” Naoya would cry, genuinely believing his words… but Ranta’s worried face quickly made him reconsider. “…Right?”

Well, that’s something he doesn’t want to figure out.

Thus, proof of his devotion to you and commitment to the relationship, Naoya decides to handle things like adults and bring up the issues he’s been having with your precious Gengar to you.

Learning the innocent reason why you were so attached to it…

“—I always wanted one, since I was a child. But my parents said no, because I already had too many toys. And I never saw it again… until that day at the fair. It’s like I went back in time to being a kid.”

In other words, you were doing all the things you would’ve loved to do if your parents had gotten you the Gengar. Besides…

“You got this for me without even asking, how could I not cherish something so romantic?!”

Naoya naturally feels like absolute shit when you tell him the truth—internally scolding himself for even considering getting rid of it in the first place!!         

So, after giving you a thousand apologies in forms of kisses, Naoya, in true Naoya fashion decides to also make it up to you by gifting you even more plushies of the same character—different sizes, different models, it didn’t matter, he just wants you to have them all.

Leading you to put a stop to him, because it was straight up ridiculous at that point!

Either way, this happening would go down as a funny story you’d be more than happy to share with your children when the time comes, slightly embarrass him by showing off his highly protected softness, if he hadn’t demonstrated the same to them by then…

Or maybe set up that Gengar “shrine” you always wanted to do just to spite Gojo, show him which franchise is far superior through your devotion, and rub it in his face.

He’s no longer a competitor when it comes to overindulging anymore, and Naoya is more than happy to give you the upper hand.

I actually have a huge Gengar my cousin got for me last year in my birthday. was it worth it? yes. have people expressed their... consideration to steal it? yes. will I protect it with my life? I'm already training my cat to join me in this crusade. lmao

anyways, I hope you like this little snippet :> Naoya always has to take it to the extremes, but he's learning to be better, and it's safe to say that at one point, it's all well-intended 🤭

thank you so much for sending in this ask! take care, and hope to see you soon ❤️