#i dmed him while we were in a room together and he just went “oh too embarrassed to say it out loud?” like

[library-fae]

me being anxious to ask for anything vs me and my boyfriend both being autistic and needing explicit communication

[iwillgiveyoumyhappiness]

Poison & Wine

This was requested by Anonymous.

Anon, you DMed me and let me know that the name you wanted to be used, your personality, and what genera of story you wanted (fluff + angst), and little, specific things that you’d like to see. To those who came here by chance: I recommend reading this while listening to Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. That’s the song that was requested. ^^ Now, please enjoy!

“Dad! Dad can you help me real quick?”

Minhyuk turned around, giving his ten year old a smile. He would swear to it in court—little girls grow up too fast. Wasn’t she five years old and asking for a piggy-back ride just a couple days ago?

He knelt down to her height. “Yes, my lovely Ae-Cha? What can I do for you?”

She flashed him a grin, so similar to his own. “Can you answer some questions for me? It’s for school.”

He nodded. “Of course I can!” He picked her, playfully spinning her around before dropping her lightly on the couch. He let out a huff of air. He was really getting too old for that, but she always laughed so happily when he did it.

He supposed a little back pain was worth it. “So, what’re these questions I’m gonna be asked?” he asked, plopping down into the chair across from her. “If I answer incorrectly, are you going to arrest me?”  

Ae-Cha laughed. “Of course not!” She cleared her throat, trying to put on a serious expression. Honestly, she just looked cute. “My literature teacher gave us an assignment about first loves. We’re supposed to ask an adult that we’re close to a few questions about their first love and write an essay on it.”

He tilted his head to the side. “First loves, huh? Why’d she choose that?”

She shrugged. “Ms. Kang says that first loves are important. She says that she wants people to never forget how they were first introduced to love, and she wants us kids to remember that love is different for everyone.”

He nodded slowly. “So, where you might find love isn’t exactly where I might find love, yeah?”

She snorted. “Well, obviously. You married mommy—I didn’t.”

“You couldn’t have even if you wanted to!” He stuck his tongue out at her playfully. “You weren’t even born.”

She giggled. “Yeah, yeah, whatever! Can we start yet, dad?”

He chuckled along with her. “Fine! Let’s do it.” He snapped his fingers. “First question! Hit me up!”

Ae-Cha cleared her throat again, trying to clear away any giggles that might surface. She flipped through a thin pamphlet, looking for the right question. “Do you have a first love?” she finally asked.  

He nodded, a fond smile perched on his lips. “Yeah, I do.”

“What was their name?”

“Her name was Kim Chin-Sun. I just called her Sunny for short.” He snickered. “She hated it, though.”

Ae-Cha took notes furiously in her note book. Minhyuk wondered what exactly she was writing since he really hadn’t said that much. If he knew her at all, she was probably mostly doodling. She stopped and scanned for another question. “How did you two meet?” she asked.

“She was a trainee at the same time as me,” he said, leaning back. He knew this was going to be a long story. He could remember it like it was yesterday.

Minhyuk walked into the practice room, adrenaline rushing through his veins at the thought of achieving his dream. He was young and excited and maybe a little too eager. But as the days went on, he became a little less eager. His smiles became a little less genuine.

Though, that tends to be what happens when people tell you that you’re not good enough. That you were just a pretty face, untalented. That you wouldn’t make it.

No one noticed his pain. Or maybe no one cared. Maybe even she didn’t, but she still reached out to him, for whatever reason that may be.

He could remember the scene clearly: him sitting in the corner before anyone else had arrived, back pressed against the mirror, knees pulled to his chest. He’d been trying to fight it for about an hour, the tears he felt welling up in his eyes.

“Crap,” he mumbled, blinking a few times, trying to keep the salty nuisances at bay. He fanned his hot cheeks. “Curse you, Lee Minhyuk,” he scolded himself, “you cry too easily.” Just then, he felt something hit his head. His eyebrows knit together in confusion. He looked down.

A flower.

He rolled his eyes. Oh, great. Now someone was throwing stuff at him.

He glanced around for the culprit. Finally, his eyes landed on a girl, leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed casually. “Hey,” she said simply.

He held up the flower, shaking it at her in irritation. “Why’d you do that?” he asked.

She shrugged. “Because flowers are attracted to sunlight.”

Yeah, that was definitely a first meeting he would never forget.

“Wow!” Ae-Cha laughed. “That’s really how you met?”

He nodded, laughing a little himself. “Yup. Odd as it sounds, it is.”

“She sounds goofy. Anyway,” she said, flipping a page in her notebook, “next question! Did you fall in love with her when you first saw her?” Her eyes shimmered. “Like the princes and princesses in the stories?”

He pondered it for a moment, tapping his thighs thoughtfully. “No, actually. I didn’t. Believe me, she was a princess, but I thought she was really weird princess.” He flashed her a wink. “But I was definitely a prince, so it was bound to happen at some point.”

Ae-Cha smiled at the answer. She liked learning new things about her dad. “When did you fall in love with the princess from your company?”

“It was really slowly,” he said after a pause. “I don’t think I even realized it, I just kind of fell into loving her. We started holding hands while going to get ramen, or we would share scarfs when it was cold, or we would text each other to make sure we got somewhere safely, or we would link pinkies while the dance instructors weren’t looking.” He chuckled at the memories. They remained just as bright and beautiful as the days they were made.

Though, they were more painful to think about now.  

The girl tapped her fingers, trying to think up a good question. “Daddy?” He hummed in response. “Did she love you?”

He sucked in a long breath. “I think she did.”

“You think?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I think so. You see, we never officially agreed that we were in love, and since we both realized our feelings too late, most of our time was spent denying we were dating or that we liked each other when people asked. We pulled the: ‘We’re just friends’ card.”

She tilted her head. “Why’d you lie, daddy?”

“Well, it wasn’t a lie at first, sweetie,” he said with a shrug. “We really didn’t like each like that, at first. We got on each other’s nerves and we argued about the smallest things and we annoyed the heck out of each, but there was more to it than that. Even after all the times we made each other mad or upset, we always found a way to forgive each other, even when we didn’t feel worthy of forgiveness.

We were there to comfort each other during our lows and we were there to cheer for each other during our highs. We had lots of inside jokes that only we would laugh at, and we’d talk about our dreams well into the night. We shared secrets and we knew all the little meaningless details about each other, down to our favorite flavors of ice cream.”

He leaned forward to whisper to his daughter, like it was some grand secret. “Her’s was Pistachio, so I always teased her about having an old man trapped in her body.”

Ae-Cha giggled. “She sounds fun.”

He smiled nostalgically. “She was fun.” He cleared his throat. “Do the next question!”

She scanned her papers. “How long has it been since you’ve seen your first love?”

He shrugged. “Years and years, baby, I’m not sure.” That was a lie. He knew exactly how long it’d been.

“What’s one of your funniest memories of your first love?” she read off.  

He hummed thoughtfully. “Hmm... That would be,” he started, his cheeks heating up in embarrassment at the memory, “when I gave her a bloody nose.”

Ae-Cha’s jaw dropped. “You did what?”

“It was an accident!” he whined, covering his eyes. “During practice, I elbowed her in the nose.” He gave a wistful sigh. “I apologized so much that day, but she just laughed at me.”

It was really funny, though. He looked back on it whenever he needed to laugh.

“Sunny—I’m so sorry,” Minhyuk repeated for the umpteenth time, handing her a tissue.

“Dude, I already told you,” she said through her laughter, “it’s all good.” She grabbed the tissue from him. “You’re so clumsy.”

He groaned, hiding his face in his hoodie. “I said I’m sorry!”

“And I forgave you!” she giggled. She held up the bloodied tissue. “You see? I’m all good.”

He cringed away from her. “Please don’t shove that grossness in my face.”

She got an impish glow in her eyes. “Oh, yeah? You a little creeped out by it?”

He held up a finger. “Ah-ah! Don’t even think about it!” he said.

“Are you seriously wagging a finger at me? You don’t even know what I’m gonna do!” She started standing up.

He dashed away from her. “Yeah, I do! You’re gonna throw it at me!”

She pouted at him. “You have no faith in me.”

“But am I wrong?”

There was a pause.  

She grinned at him. “Nope!”  

He remembered her chasing him all around the company building, their laughter and loud screeching echoing through the halls. They got into so much trouble with the staff that night (and some crabby trainees), but he really couldn’t find himself to care that much.

He missed her freedom. He missed the freedom she gave her.  

The girl looked to her pamphlet. “Was was it about her that made you fall in love?”

He heaved a long breath. “You’re asking the hard questions now, aren’t you?”

“Yup,” she said.

He threw a pillow at her. “Meanie!”

She laughed, throwing it back at him. “You’re the one that threw a pillow at me!”

“And you threw it back, Little Missy!”

“Dad! Just answer the question!”

He put the pillow back in its rightful place. “Fine, fine—I’m going!” He nibbled his bottom lip thoughtfully. “I probably fell in love with... Her purpose.”

Ae-Cha furrowed her brows.

“What I mean by that is why she became a trainee. She wanted to travel all around the world so she could leave an impact of people, but most of all, so people could leave an impact on her.” He smiled. “I thought that was pretty cool.”

“Anything else?”

He scanned his memories, looking for the things that stood out the most. “Probably the way she knew about everything I tried to hide. Like, I wouldn’t tell anyone how I was really feeling, but she would just know. It was really creepy sometimes.”

Ae-Cha’s dark eyes widened. “Do you think she was magic?”

Minhyuk chuckled. He had thought that a few times himself, back in the day. “No, I don’t think so, sweetie. I just think she was really cool and observant. I mean, there were tons of things that were cool about her.”

“Like what?”

He didn’t have to think for long. “Like the way she spoke. She just had this way of talking that made you wanna listen to her for hours and hours. She also had this habit of turning her back whenever she was upset, so if you were talking to her and she turned around, there was a 75% chance she was crying.”

He remembered all these things so clearly. Of course, how could he forget? “She also cared about people really subtly. Like, you thought she didn’t care, but then she’d suddenly leave a lunch box in your backpack, or something like that. She’d pretend she didn’t do it, of course.” He nodded. “I think she was just a good person.”

Ae-Cha nodded fervently. “I think so, too! Almost as cool as mom!”

He felt a pang in his chest. “Yup,” he said, mustering a smile. “Almost as cool as mom.”

The little girl picked out another question. “What’s your most precious memory with you first love?”

“The day she left,” Minhyuk said. There was no hesitation.

She looked at him, confused. “Why did she... leave?”

He clasped his hands together tightly. What a bittersweet memory to think about. He heaved a breath, thick with suppressed emotions. He was glad that Ae-Cha was still so young; she probably wouldn’t notice how much he still dwelt on it, intentionally or otherwise.

“Sunny was really talented,” he finally said. “Really talented. Her singing voice could captivate anyone and she was a fine dancer too, but... She was also weak.”

“What do you mean?” she asked in a small, curious voice.

He gripped his own hand tighter. “She got sick really easily. Because of that, there were lots of days that she couldn’t perform her best during practice.”

“She kept going?” Ae-Cha asked. “Didn’t it hurt?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, it hurt her, but she still did it. She tried so hard to reach her dreams. But in the end, the company noticed that she wasn’t at her best. They kicked her out.”

Her eyes widened. “But that’s so mean!”

“I agree, sweetheart. It was really mean.”

She crossed her arms with a huff. “I’d be so mad at them!”

He chuckled sadly. “I was mad too, baby. I was really mad. I threw around all sorts of threats and curses. But do you know why the night she left is my most precious memory and not my saddest?”

She quirked a brow. “Nope.”

“Because of what happened that night.”

Three precisely spaced knocks. It was their signal.

Sunny opened the door to her dorm room, the bright light from the hallway nearly blinding her. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was a mess and her nose was red. All around, she looked like a mess.

It broke his heart. She was so strong around everyone when the news came out.

“We’re so sorry to tell you this,” they had said, “but we can’t keep you on as a trainee any longer.”

How cruel of them, to do it in front of everyone. He had been fuming, but she just nodded and smiled.

“I understand,” she had said. “I’m a burden, aren’t I?”

She had spent her time comforting everyone else as they cried and worried and lamented. She rubbed their backs and hugged them and told them that it was all going to be okay. She said she wasn’t sad, that she’d been expecting it for some time now.

Even if that was true, Minhyuk had heard her cry alone in the bathroom, and he was sure that she cried again in her room.

She quickly wiped her damp eyes with her sleeves. “What’s up, dude?” she whispered, trying not to wake her roommates.

He reached out for her hand, holding it tightly. “Let’s go somewhere.”

She gave him a look. “What’re you talking about?”

“Let’s get out of here,” he said. “Let’s run away. I don’t wanna be here if you’re not here.”

She pulled her hand away. “I won’t let you do that.”

He frowned. “But... It’ll hurt too much without you here.”

She gave him a sad smile. “Min,” she said softly, “I know for a fact that you’re strong enough to make it through it all. Besides, one of us has to make it, right?” She rubbed his arm. “One of us has to travel all around the world and share our voice...”

“And make an impact,” he finished, staring at the floor. “Yeah, but... What’s the point if it’s without you?”

She paused, a sigh passing by her chapped lips. “It was gonna be without me anyway,” she chuckled. “We weren’t going to be in the same group, or anything.”

He clenched his fists. “Sure, but at least we’d be in the same place. We’d see each other. We’d share the same dream.”

She nodded. “I can see where you’re coming from, but what’s done is done. And I can find new dreams.” She trailed her fingers down his arm until they reached his hand again. “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

Finally, he looked at her. Their eyes met, time froze. “Can we still do somewhere?” he whispered.

“At two in the morning?” she chuckled.

He squeezed her hand tighter. “Yeah. It can be our first and last date.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “You know I’m not into temporary boyfriends and one-night-stands, Lee,” she said.

He clicked his tongue. “Are you saying this isn’t real? What we have?”

“I didn’t say that,” she argued gently. “I just mean that it’s not official or realistic. You’re going places, I’m going home.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. Then can we please go on a date as friends?”

“As friends?” she scoffed, her voice laced with humor.

He hummed. “Mhm. Just you and me, two buddies, kicking it together on a Thursday night.” He pulled her forward so that their chests were touching. “Y’know. All platonic like.”

She let out a huff. Still, she didn’t pull away. “Cheeky,” she said. There was an impish glow in her eyes. “What could we do? Platonically, of course.”

A smile tugged at the corners of his soft lips. “Bubble tea?” he offered. “And...” He thought for a moment. “Late night karaoke.”

“Oh?” she said. “I’m intrigued.” She leaned further into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Anything else?”

“Dancing in the middle of the street,” he continued.

She cocked her head to the side. “Where everyone can see us?” He dipped her dramatically, making her giggle. She quickly covered her mouth, remembering her task of staying quiet. She smacked his chest. “Lee-freaking-Minhyuk! What is wrong with you?”

“I don’t mind being seen with you,” he said quietly, his warm breath fanning over her face. “I like you a lot. Platonically, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” she whispered back. They stayed like that for a moment, just looking at each other. They were memorizing. Memorizing every feature, every small dent and flaw, every curve and every freckle. How precious those things were. “What else could we do?” she breathed.

Butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He took a shaky breath, gathering his courage. “This,” he whispered. With a small lean forward, their lips touched. It sent lovely electric shocks through both of them. For a moment, he was worried that she might pull away, but she didn’t. In fact, she pulled him closer. 

Platonically, of course.    

“We did all those things we said we would,” Minhyuk spoke with a fond smile and glassy eyes. “We got bubble tea, we sang karaoke till our throats hurt, we ran through the streets like maniacs and we ducked into alleyways just to stop a giggle like idiots for minutes on end.”

“Did you dance in the street, too?” Ae-Cha asked with a big grin on her face, her eyes crinkled in the corners.

“We did,” he chuckled. “People looked at us like we were crazy, but we didn’t even care. It was our last night together and we were going to spend it exactly how we wanted. That’s why it’s my most precious memory.”

“Of her, right?” she asked, just for clarification.

A pause.

“Yes, of course, sweetheart.”

She nodded proudly. That’s the answer she’d expected from her awesome dad. Something dawned on her. “Did you ever see her again, dad?” she asked.  

He frowned, staring at nothing in particular. Usually, he wasn’t so affected by this, but all of this reminiscing had gotten him thinking. The curse of the ‘what-if’s.  “No,” he said softly. “Haven’t seen her since that night. She left early the next morning and we didn’t stay in touch.”

Ae-Cha looked confused. “Why didn’t you?” she said. “If you liked each other, why didn’t you keep talking?”

Minhyuk chuckled. She was growing up fast, but she was still young. “She didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to distract me, and she wanted me to do well.”

“I don’t understand.”

He leaned forward and mussed up her dark hair. “And that’s okay,” he said. “You will someday.”

She swatted his hand away, flattening her hair again. “Whatever you say, dad,” she giggled. “Okay!” She clapped. “Last question! This one comes straight from Ms. Kang.”

He smiled a little. “Oh, really? Well, gimme! I’m super excited now!”

She cleared her throat dramatically. “Do you regret your first love?”

The room fell quiet. Suddenly, Minhyuk’s throat felt so very dry. Why could he suddenly not think of any words? Why couldn’t he speak?

“Well, I...” he stuttered ungracefully. “I—” The doorbell interrupted him. He let out a breath of relief. ���I’ll get that!” he said, standing up quickly. He pat her hair at he walked by. “I’ll answer in a second. Okay, princess?”

She nodded. “’Kay, dad.”

He felt as if he’d never rushed to the door so quickly in his life. It was like, all of a sudden, the living room was suffocating him with memories and unanswered questions. “I’m coming!” he called.

Three precise knocks.

He froze. His eyes were wide and his body was shaking. He couldn’t move from his spot, as if he were glued there. He thought he could hear a sigh and then footsteps, walking away. He knew he had to move.

Quickly (and with more force than he’d intended), he swung the door open. There was a woman, back turned to him, halfway down the walkway. “Sunny!” he called without thinking. The name rolled off of his tongue, like a habit.

The woman stopped walking.

He closed the door behind him. “That’s you, isn’t it?” No answer. “I know it’s you.”

Slowly, she turned around. It was her.

Kim Chin-Sun—just as beautiful as ever. She was thinner now, her hair was shorter, her ears were finally pierced and she’d ditched the makeup, but she remained the same. She had the same curve of the nose. The same long eyelashes, the same deep, nostalgic eyes, and the same chapped lips. She remained.  

“Hey,” she said quietly. She let out a shaky breath, laced with nervousness. “Been a while, huh?”

He couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in his eyes. “Yeah,” he sniffled. “Forever, really.”

She chuckled at his antics. He was the same as ever. “I didn’t think you’d open up.”

He shook his head, trying to stop his tears. It didn’t help. “Well, I did.” He looked up at her, looking her over. “You look good,” he said.

“You, too,” she said. “Despite the gross tears.”

He gave a watery laugh. “You ass.”

“Jerk,” she countered playfully.

They really hadn’t changed at all, had they?

He walked closer to her. He couldn’t stop the smile that’d grown on his face, nor did he wish to. “Let me look at you,” he said. “You grew up.”

“You didn’t,” she said, smiling just as much, a painful glaze of bittersweet in her eyes. “You’re just the same as back then. Just a little grayer,” she added fondly.  

He rolled his eyes. “Geez, thanks. So, what brings you here?”

She shrugged, shifting her weight a little. “I was just passing by and I heard that you’d shacked up here after you retired. I thought I’d stop by, is all.”

He searched for an answer in her eyes. “That’s... the only reason?” he asked.

She sighed, looking down at the ground. “You make this really hard for me, you know.” She met his eyes. “I missed you.”

His heart skipped a beat. “Platonically?”

He could tell she felt the same. “Of course,” she spoke quietly. She cleared her throat. “So, you’re married, right?” She gestured to his ring. “Well, obviously you are. Kids?”

He snapped himself out of whatever trance it was that he’d fallen into. “Oh, yeah,” he stuttered, “I’m married. We have a daughter, Ae-Cha. She’s just recently ten.”

“Is that so?” she asked, smiling lightly. “Pretty name. Well, tell her I said happy late birthday.” She paused. “Actually, maybe don’t tell her that. She’d probably just be confused, that coming from a stranger.”

Stranger...

Why did that hurt so much, coming from her?

“How about you?” Minhyuk asked. “Have you tied the proverbial knot yet?”

She held up her left hand, flashing a silver band. “Yup. Few years ago now.”

He nodded slowly. Congratulations. He should congratulate her. “Congrats,” he said flatly. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Kids?”

She put a hand over her stomach. “One on the way. Only a few weeks in, so I’m not showing yet.”

“Oh... Congrats.”

A silence. Surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward. It was still comfortable, just as it had been all those years ago.

“Are you happy?” she asked.

What a loaded question. He sighed looking at his feet. He hadn’t even put shoes on when he ran after her. “My daughter makes me happy,” he said.

“That’s not what I asked,” she said. Kim Sunny. Ever the observant one. “Are you happy?” she repeated.

He met her warm eyes. “Content,” he said. “You?”

“The same,” she replied.

He chuckled, his tears resurfacing. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”

Salty wetness started building up in her eyes, too. “A little bit,” she chuckled.

“I missed you,” he said.

She nodded. “And I missed you.”

“I thought about you every day.”

“Same here.”

“I thought I would die when you first left.”

“Me, too. But we made it through.”

“I still love you.” A pause. “Platonically.”

She stared at him for the longest time before she just smiled at him. That same smile she’d always used to comfort him with. “I still love you, too,” she whispered. “Platonically.”

He gave a watery smile. “Yup. Platonically.”

They spent the next few hours catching up with each other, laughing about little things and getting to know each other again. Though, honestly, it felt as if they’d never been apart. They still knew each other just as well.

At the end of the day, they exchanged numbers and addresses. They were parting once again, but this time, they would keep in touch. They wouldn’t let go completely ever again.

They might not be able to be together, but they could be together platonically.

For real, this time.

.

.

.

“Daddy?” Ae-Cha asked when Minhyuk finally came back inside. “Who was that—?” She was caught off by her dad picking her up, spinning her around and giving her a wet smooch on her cheek.

“No,” he said with a bright grin on his face.

She stared at him, dumbfounded. “What?”

“It’s my answer,” he said. “To your question. I don’t regret my first love. Not in the slightest.”

THE END

[internetremix]

I was wondering... Do you any of you have tips for a rookie GM? I'm setting up a game night here soon and I'm stressing the heck out over it.

Alex: No matter what game system you play it's usually quite intimidating because there are like 600 pages of information to digest. At any given time you need to have memorized only, like, thirty. At the end of the day most tabletop games are just two things - math and improv. Admittedly things that, outside of tabletop games, people go out of their way to avoid, but still.

Stress can lead people to get things done fast but also get things done sloppy. You don't need to plan out every single detail of what the characters might encounter eventually in a session. You can flesh out a couple of interesting people, places, or things you want them to see and just keep a scratch card of notes and traits for if/when they go off the beaten path. Remember, no matter what you plan, there is no accounting for the actions of players, and rolling with them provides a far better experience than slamming your fist down and saying "NO" to every deviation.

And above all else, remember that tabletop games are a collaborative effort. People come together to play games, tell stories, and shoot the shit. If shooting the shit overtakes the game you can rein that in a little but at the end of the day everyone's there voluntarily to have fun, and no one is there to see anyone fail.So to recap -

1. You are the arbiter of rules no matter what the book says. You can double-check later and take notes for future games if it becomes an issue but generally you only need to have in mind rules that are actively going to be used in game. If you don't know the exact way to handle something just make up what the closest action would be and if the player rolls what you think is well enough to do it, they did it.

2. If you don't have time to take notes on every single thing the players might encounter, congratulations, you're an average person. You only need a few based on the following factors - what do you want the players to do, how do you think they're going to do it, and do you have something prepared for when they go off the beaten path.

3. Have fun! Seriously, it's called a tabletop GAME, not a tabletop dictatorship.

Kristen: All of my games are Tabletop Dictatorships, all of them. Unfortunately I'm a terrible, weak-willed dictator so this helps nothing.

Alex: Discord Murder Party is different. Mafia/Werewolf operates way differently than D&D and needs a GM SPECIFICALLY so that players don't go off the rails.

Kristen: You are 100% correct.

God my first tabletop I ever DMed for I made my own thing and wrote like... twenty pages for my first session. And then as soon as I started, my players were like HEY I WANNA EXPLORE THE SHOPS

"O-oh.... y-yeah, here's uh... heeeere's a list of shops..."

So then I had to improv like... five shops and make multiple NPCs on the fly and then I found out "it turns out writing an entire paragraph for every NPC is an awful idea because you can't fucking read those notes mid-session"

So my point is don't do that.

Juno: Oh yeah. Last night I had to make up a guy named Lucas on the spot because JoJo's character wanted to convince a guy not to kill them

Kristen: YEP I ran the generic 5e DnD starter for a group of friends and somehow it went from a generic "you all hunt down and kill a bunch of goblins and a bugbear in a cave, way to go" to "You spared a Goblin who has a ridiculous Brooklyn accent who hates his job and now you're starting a ridiculous worker's revolution and this has ended with you all enlisting every other goblin you were supposed to fight into swarming the bugbear boss. Okay."

Juno: I mean. That's a pretty bomb plot twist if you ask me.

Kristen: Oh yes, I enjoyed it immensely. Also really in the context of a DnD game I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be doable cause I don't think any of them were supposed to be able to speak common. If your players are setting themselves up for a more interesting story and you have to bend the rules a bit to make it happen, go for it. One of the most important things for GMing is making your players feel like they have agency- as Alex said, it's collaborative, it's not just you telling your players a story.

Another thing to keep in mind is what sort of players you have. I usually prefer to play with people who are more into the RP/story aspect, but some people are gonna be more into them fighty fights and mechanics and such. Which is fine and can work, it's just a matter of striking a balance in your game.  I usually try to tailor things in such a way that everyone's getting a chance to get what they want out of a game and their shot at the spotlight, in whatever manner that takes. For me it's helped to ask my players directly "hey, what do you want out of this game? Do you have any ideas or anything you're really into?"

Mostly what I'm saying is just try to keep in mind what your players are in this for, since that contributes a lot to how much fun you all have.

Atwas: Something that's helped me a lot is to not stress out or stop the game entirely to double check rules. It sort of kills momentum. In my experience, ruling a situation and then looking something up later is a lot less stressful than the pressure of putting something completely on pause while you flip through a book/google something.

If you're doing stuff in real life, I would recommend making a little cheat sheet of your PC's information. My DM screen has sticky notes with each party characters HP, AC, Passive Perception, and Spell Save DC to keep things streamlined.

Kristen: Oooo smurt

Alex: Hell yeah dude. Also there are custom DM screens you can get tailor-made to give you quick rules references. Fairly cheap on Amazon.

Atwas: Also your players don't know if you're winging stuff unless you tell them. ;^)

Also also don't be scared of bumping monster hp up or down depending on a fight or having monsters run away or call in reinforcements. If you go off script in an encounter--surprise! Nobody knows but you. I did that quite a bit when I was starting out because balancing encounters is a bit of an art and CR is a loose guideline at best.

Also also also the point of the game isn't to win. Don't fall into the trap of "beating your players" or stuff like that. Imo that kind of messes with the table dynamics unless 100% of everyone is on board with that type of game.

Kristen: Yeah, don't fall into that and also be careful not to go into the mindset of "punishing" your players if they do something dumb. Like if it's a silly "you did this thing and consequences have gone WILDLY outside of what you expect wheee", awesome, but I've had DMs who basically would act like if you didn't somehow read their minds and find their exact solution, welp you made a dumb choice and now everyone is penalized for it. Made for a pretty toxic atmosphere, do not recommend. Kind goes hand in hand with "don't be a tabletop dictator".

Atwas: oh gods i could go on and on about how punishing someone in game never works for out of game behaviour but i digress. also please don't feel afraid to talk to your players, even if having adult conversations is difficult.

Juno: Cause and effect is the biggest thing to think about I think, especially in a DMing situation.

Alex: For instance, siccing a Revenant on the party? Thavagath made a bad decision in character, that's the natural consequence, he gets a chance to save his ass. Someone makes a dick joke about your carefully crafted NPC? Don't be a dick right back.

Atwas: sweats, trying to think back to the last time a dick joke was made in Fallen Empires

Alex: Like I think the last major one was Phill pulling a muscle stretching so hard to make a joke for five minutes about the "Male Room" rather than the "Mail Room"

But then we - wait for it - ACTUALLY DISCUSSED THE ISSUE OUT OF GAME and stuff like that doesn't pop up any more.

Atwas: WHAT? SPEAKING LIKE REASONABLE ADULTS?!?! IN MY TABLETOP?!?!?! it's really useful. please have those conversations, even if they're uncomfortable. and if something is becoming an issue, bring it up sooner rather than later--turns out that people can't change stuff if they don't know about it! Most people want to stay friends after a campaign after all.

Jojo: Have your story planned, npcs, and what you want an end goal to be. Make sure it's all planned out BEFORE asking people to join it. And if you need a second DM to help you with Dice or story, then that's ok too! I'm still a beginner DM myself, so that's the best advice I can give

These guys are pros, so listen to them

Phill: Heheh... male room

Alex: Phill no you'll pull your hamstring again

Phill:

Atwas: what do you think is Phill's average Henderson rating?

Alex: Phill has at least One Henderson in him, he destroyed Underdark to the point of we can't go back to it ever now.

Phill: I mean. Yeah. Honestly, I could've very easily seen phresh reach a 1.75 hendersons eventually.

Atwas: I'd say 1.75 works. 2 is still out of reach, but one day...

Xander: Underdark is cursed content and deserved better

Atwas: How many of he players had that as their first campaign? 3/5?

Xander: I believe so

Alex: Uprising and I had played before, I don't think Jojo, Dawn, or Phill had.

Xander: I'm probably gonna reboot Underdark one day. Wipe the slate clean. Probably not gonna be done on IR

Alex: We did it! We reached two Hendersons!

Xander: Two full Hendersons.

Phill: time unveil my new original character. Blesh

Alex: Blerish

Xander: More like Blemish

[serkonans]

i would legit love to know ur answer to all of those dnd questions tbh

so many gfsljgf thank you antonia i love ask memesputting #13 up here for the anon who requested it and the rest below the cut!13. Introduce your current party.I currently DM a few games! School is hectic and I don’t get to play very often but all the characters are GoodI have one group campaign titled “When the River Bleeds Red” (which is probably news to you, Antonia, and everyone else who plays, idt I ever mentioned that slkfjglfskj) that has a blacksmith (half-elven cleric, @the-idiot-who-stood-still​) named Brigitte Faestrum, a pumpkin farmer (halfling druid, @beesgnees​) named Cathal Headrig, a former stage performer (fire genasi sorcerer, @merrigold​) named Emelia Sparks, and a former mercenary (gnome fighter, @jacqmutiny​) named Nyx!I also DM one-on-one campaigns for @merrigold​ (who plays an aasimar druid named senua tasked with undertaking journeys on behalf of the gods in “The Glacial Erratic”) and @fictitiousbees​ (who plays a kenku wizard named scribbles called to the service of a high dragon in “Luck of the Draw”)Everything else below the cut!

1. A favorite character you have played.

I’ve only played two characters! One was Carran Warset, who is my Son and like the bulk of the reason I know I’m trans, and one was Chim from your one-on-one campaign. I rly like both of them tbh but Carran is my child gkjlsfgjs

2. Your favorite character that someone else has played.

Excluding anything I’ve DMed, Sivarna by @pluviance!

3. Your favorite side quest.

In the group campaign we played in together, there was one session that idr if you were able to be there for but we like,,, went into a forest and bought a really ugly belt from a stoner for zero plot reasons and I count it as a side quest in my heart

4. Your current campaign.

Well, you know everything about all my current campaigns that you’re allowed to know rn, but for anyone who might be reading who isn’t in them:

The group campaign is being used as scapegoats in the brutal murder of an ambassador’s daughter and is fleeing a city through secret tunnels -- we last left off at Cathal becoming a giant badger and burrowing upward

In the solo campaign with Senua, she’s attempting to deliver a large, magical object from the goddess of earth deep inside a mountain, and she’s facing down a basilisk with three NPCs

And in the solo campaign with Scribbles, he’s just played a card game that was really more of an interrogation, where he found out a high dragon has taken interest in him, and he is, in unrelated news, taking a package to the local apothecary

5. Favorite NPC.

Of someone else’s, I love Lucy from the Chim campaign!

Of mine, I will never stop loving Mr. Kretever Tatell. Kret is a goddamn idiot but he’s my goddamn idiot

6. Favorite death (monster, player character, NPC, etc).

Carran once killed an evil poison merchant by seducing her in an enemy king’s bedroom and stabbing her when he went in for the kiss gkfsljgfsj. Then he and Sivarna wound up hiding with her corpse under a bed discussing the concept of threesomes in whispers while the king wandered around his room. Not as like, a possibility. Just because the topic came up

7. Your favorite downtime activity.

S,,,hop,,,,,,, money tiem $

8. Your favorite fight/encounter.

I liked the fight where I balanced the combat correctly lkgsflkjskljg, the one with guards in the tunnels

9. Your favorite thing about D&D.

Storytelling!

10. Your favorite enemy and the enemy you hate the most.

Homebrew enemies are coolest imo but hard to balance; the giant gemstone ant I had you fight would’ve been my favorite if it’d been able to get more than like two attacks in gskjgksj

And insect swarms are very annoying to fight

11. How often do you play and how often would you ideally like to play?

How often I play is whenever every single one of the stars align and ideally I would play like every other day fksjglskfjg

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from.

God the current ones haven’t gone long enough for those yet really and I’m blanking on most from the group player campaign

I do remember Carran was 1000% convinced basil was poison at one point and his pet rat killed an evil, powerful sorcerer by chewing his ear

14. Introduce any other parties you have played in or DM-ed.

Just the group player campaign with Carran, which didn’t get to the heavy plot stuff before it ended tbh, and then the solo one you ran with Chim in what was rly a Very cool world concept of like hellish Las Vegas that I’d like to steal at some point

And then you ofc know this but for anyone reading who doesn’t, I’m going DM a maybe-oneshot, maybe-a few more than oneshot post-apocalyptic campaign for you and @fictitiousbees​, set in a world that’s been destroyed by fast growing invasive fungi which is like. only The sexiest apocalypse scenario

15. Do you have snacks during game times?

Yes, religiously. Game time snack time

16. Do you play online or in person? Which do you prefer?

I’ve never played in person other than a single test game for new players! I prefer online tho; you can look things up and type if you’re shy

17. What are some house rules that your group has?

I have a rule about only two players being able to try the same sort of check, but that’s it for us so far that I can think of

18. Does your party keep any pets?

Not yet! Cathal has a way with animals though

19. Do you or your party have any dice superstitions?

I Do

20. How did you get into D&D? How long have you been playing?

I got into it bc Critical Role made it look super super fun, and I’ve been playing off and on for two years now

21. Have you ever regretted something your character has done?

I’ve regretted everything any character I’ve controlled has done I think that’s just dnd

Realistically tho, big yes for a lot of what Carran did, most notably snooping on another player character who had cast Alarm on her room

22. What color was your first dragon?

Haven’t had one yet!

23. Do you use premade modules or original campaigns?

100% original babey

24. How much planning/preparation do you do for a game?

3% planning 97% “oh fuck I need to have an idea Now” babey

For DMs

25. What have your players done that you never could have planned for?

Everything, it’s why I never know what I’m doing

I never expected Cathal to become a large badger and dig out of the underground, how do you prepare for someone to, in all seriousness, tell you they’re going to become a badger and scrabble to the surface

26. What was your favorite scene to write and show your characters.

I really tend to enjoy the one-on-one scenes; I think my favorite was having you roll that insane wild magic surge and detailing What Happened At The Theatre

27. Do you allow homebrew content?

Yes if it can go in DND Beyond

28. How often do you use NPCs in a party?

In group campaigns, not often, although we have two with us right now. In solo campaigns, if you want combat you’re getting an NPC party, at least for a bit

29. Do you prefer RP heavy sessions or combat sessions?

Personally I love RP heavy sessions; combat is fun but I crave Story

30. Are your players diplomatic or murder hobos?

I think mostly diplomatic with a dash of murder hobo

For Players

31. What is your favorite class? Favorite race?

I’m so so so boring but I love humans gksfjgsk

Humans, elves, and half-elves are my favorite

And then I Would Die For Every Rogue, it’s hands down my favorite class

32. What role do you like to play the most? (Tank/healer/etc?)

Rogue role

Lemme stealth and steal and stab

33. How do you write your backstory, or do you even write a backstory?

For Carran it was,, A Whole Process

I came up with a basic idea, then journaled as him several times and wrote and rewrote until I had what felt Right, and then I kept toying with it and adding more details throughout the campaign -- I love playing and would really like to again but the obsession with expanding upon his story made me realize I need the freedom of worldbuilding that goes along with DMing; I don’t think I could be a player without DMing a separate campaign bc I just try to take over

34. Do you tend pick weapons/spells for being useful or for flavor?

Both!

35. How much roleplay do you like to do?

So much, I usually use old acting techniques and get fully into character

thank you again antonia!!! these were fun

[docsamurai]

Humans are weird: The Research Facility

*Quick note before I start: This is the 4th installment in a series I’ve called the Lost Colonies which is largely about human society adapting to the strange environments of other worlds. You can read the other installments here: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing this series, but with my new work schedule I had to bring it to a close. If you’ve enjoyed this story follow me on here for my other writings. Thanks again to everyone who has reblogged, liked, replied, DMed, or otherwise shown their appreciation for this series. It means a lot to me that people enjoyed it and the love you’ve all shown me has really helped keep me going for these last few months.*

The airlock hissed and Kiara felt her knuckles ache as the pressure adjusted to the station. Reflexively she clenched and unclenched her fists trying to ease the dull throb that she could already feel spreading to her other joints. On most worlds that had significantly higher or lower pressure than Earth humans lived in enclosed dome cities or underground stations that were kept calibrated to standard Earth atmosphere. For some reason this facility seemed to be kept at a slightly higher pressure. It probably had something to do with the fact that the station was within the atmosphere of a hothouse planet similar to old Earth’s stellar neighbor Venus. She made a mental note to ask about it later when she got the chance.

The door to the airlock swung smoothly open despite the fact that it appeared to weigh nearly a metric ton. On the other side awaited a tall man who stood at full attention in a crisp military uniform. He gave a quick salute and gestured without a word for Kiara to follow him. The pair wandered down deserted corridors that had been polished to a mirror shine before arriving at the administrator’s office. The tall man knocked twice on the door before it slid into the wall, he then stood to the side of the door and snapped off another salute though Kiara noticed that his hand was trembling.

The administrator’s office was just as polished and barren as the rest of the station had been so far, the man himself, decidedly less so. The administrator was a short pale man who had cut himself badly attempting to shave with a thin ring of white hair around his head. He wore a suit which was several sizes too large and had been hastily pressed to try and remove some of the wrinkles. The administrator stood behind his desk and gave a quick nervous smile as he ushered Kiara into the room.

“Welcome to my facility. I apologize that I cannot offer more of a tour at this time but I’m afraid that I haven’t verified your clearance level yet Miss Williams.” Kiara smiled and offered a handshake ”It’s actually Mrs. Williams-Venn but Kiara will work just fine”. The administrator took her hand and then sat down quickly apologizing for the sweatiness of his palms. “Well, Kiara, I’m afraid that we haven’t had contact with EarthGov for some time now, and as such we’ve been unable to verify your rank or clearance level so until we are able to do so we cannot allow further access to this station. I hope you understand.”

Kiara took a long deep breath. It didn’t happen often, but holdouts like these were always difficult to deal with. It was an unfortunate failing of humanity that people could hold onto a failing ideology for centuries. Kiara looked the administrator over again. 15 sols of conducting personal interviews had taught her how to read people and this administrator looked nervous as hell. She’d have to play this one carefully. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name, Mr...” “Eckstein. Johnathan Eckstein.” “Well John, I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news but I’m afraid you won’t be able to grant me security clearance as that office of EarthGov no longer exists.”

John screamed and fell out of his chair and the guard at the door took off running. Kiara spun around expecting a threat coming from behind, seeing nothing she stood up cautiously and looked over the desk to see John cowering on the floor. He looked up at her and sobbed “Just make it quick.” Remembering the stories she had heard of EarthGov’s brutality it finally clicked in Kiara’s head. John thought she was sent there from EarthGov to kill them all. “Uh, John, Mr Eckstein, it’s fine. You can get up. I’m not here from EarthGov. They no longer exist.” John rolled over onto his back to look up at her, tears streaming down the sides of his face as he sobbed uncontrollably. “Really?” “Yeah, really.”

The sobs eventually turned into relived laughter as John picked himself up off the floor. Finally he slumped back down into his chair and slapped the intercom switch on his desk. “Condition Green. Code 2635. We’re clear everyone.” Kiara heard a dull roar of applause and shouts from down the corridor as the rest of the station cheered in celebration. “I’m sorry for all that Kiara, we’ve just been a little on edge since that transponder lit up. Would you like a drink?” John pulled a bottle of clear liquor out of the bottom drawer of his desk along with a pair of glasses and started filling both before she could answer.

Mildly amused she took the proffered drink and tapped the glasses together in an old Earth tradition. “Cheers” John’s face split into a wide grin as he downed the drink in a single gulp. Kiara tried to take a sip and broke out into a violent coughing fit. “Oh, yeah, sorry, we distill our own around here and, well, you get used to it.” Kiara set the "drink” back on the desk and smiled again at John. “So, how about we try this again. You tell me what’s been going on at this facility and I’ll fill you in on what’s been happening in the rest of the galaxy.”

John nodded and picked up Kiara’s glass and drained that too. “Where do I start? Ok, well, we were an EarthGov secret weapons research lab. We were stationed here to conceal our location with only one transponder to communicate to our higher ups in EarthGov. Our facility is entirely self sustaining since it could take several solar rotations for us to have a window to so much as get people on or off the planet. It wasn’t unusual for us to lose contact with the outside world for long periods of time so at first we didn’t notice that it had been a while since we had last heard from anyone. That while turned into a few years, then a decade.”

Kiara checked her datapad and asked “When did your people last have contact with anyone from EarthGov?” John looked like he was considering pouring another drink but put the bottle away instead. “218 years ago, plus a few months.” Kiara’s eyes went wide and she double checked her notes. “That was almost 20 sols after EarthGov fell!” John’s gaze wandered around the room as he lost himself in thought. “Hmm. You call them sols. Makes sense if we’re not being Earth-centric about our units of measurement. But yeah, not too surprising that they tried to keep their weapons development going for so long after it all went to shit. My grandmother said they were getting kinda weird for those last few transmissions.”

Kiara scribbled notes into her datapad as she tried to wrap her head around this new information. “I had heard a lot of stories about EarthGov I just never thought that- wait did you say ‘Grandmother’? As in it’s only been 2 generations in over 200 sols?” John laughed. “Yeah, I guess I’m a lot older than I look. That’s kinda what happens when you put a bunch of medical scientists in isolation for a few hundred years. I turn 120 in a few months, or whatever unit of measurement you use these days.” Kiara stared at the short man behind the desk. It was true, aside from the hair he didn’t appear any older than his early 40s.

“That’s remarkable. Can I ask how?” John just shrugged as though one of the most significant medical breakthroughs in human history was a minor matter. “Partly genetic therapy and partly cloned organs. We grow a kind of ‘genetic blank’ version of any organ you might need that carries enough DNA to be recognizably human and then when you need something replaced we just take the information we need from your existing cells and work it into the blank. It’s not perfect and we can’t replace everything, but I have a life expectancy of over twice my current age so long as I don’t damage anything important.”

Something clicked in the back of Kiara’s mind “Like I said, remarkable, but you just said ‘medical scientists’ I thought this was a weapons research facility?” John froze in place before scrunching up his face and mutter a curse under his breath. His hand reached again for the bottle in the desk before he stopped himself. “Yeah. Biological weapons. Look I’m not proud of it. No one here is. And everyone who was originally part of the project is dead. About a century we put it to a vote decided that EarthGov was probably gone for good and even if they weren’t that we couldn’t risk that kind of destruction getting out. So we destroyed all the virus samples that weren’t viable for other forms of research. There’s not anything left on this station that could hurt anyone.”

Kiara turned her datapad’s recorder off. “I want you to know that I’m on your side on this, and that I’ll present your case to the Galactic Republic. I’m sure that it will be fine, but I need to know. were the original scientists volunteers?” John stared off in silence for several minutes before finally answering “Yeah. Most of them. I don’t think there was any real animosity towards aliens, it’s just, there wasn’t a lot of work for scientists outside of the government. And what the government wanted was a weapon that the ‘alien threat’ couldn’t defend against. At least, that’s what my grandmother said.”

Kiara’s hands clenched into fists, her knuckles aching again though she didn’t think it was still from the pressure. “Were there any projects done on a virus for Turics?” John shook his head. “Probably, but we destroyed all that a long time ago. I’ll double check the files to make sure that nothing remains though. Why? You got a thing for the big furry bastards?” John was grinning until he saw the look on Kiara’s face. “I’m going to say this just once. If you’re going to be a part of the galactic community, you’re going to need to drop those prejudices right the fuck now. I’ve dealt with a lot of backwards bullshit in this job and I can tell you that if you want off this rock you’re going to have to unlearn a lot of that ‘human first’ mentality. Got it?” John was now paler than she had ever seen a human before. “Understood! I’ll make sure to bring it up with the rest of the facility at the next meeting Kiara.”

Kiara got up still glaring at John. “It’s Mrs. Williams-Venn. And for your sake, you should hope that you don’t have to hear that name again.”

[the-little-red-noodle]

10/2/19 5:56am

This is the 2nd night in a row i have been keep up all night by thoughts, mostly about this boy.

I met him at larp. He’s a fairly powerful warden and sorcerer, and i met him (in game, in character) in a tavern. People were paying him to draw wards on them (which give you in game advantages). I always notice peoples teeth first, and he has really cute teeth and a really cute smile. He was very attractive. I asked what he was doing and he briefly explained what the wards are and i was like cool, and started to walk away, and then he was like “I’ll give you one for free” and reached out his hand to take mine. He drew an anti perm ward on my left hand and was really sweet about it. I said thanks and proceeded to leave the tavern. I kept thinking about him though.

It became a running joke between my closest friends and i that i was going to wander around and look for the hot mage. I didn’t have any other interactions with him at game, but i saw him around a couple times and would try not to stare too long.

After packing up and heading home, i texted patrick. He is in the same culture as the hot mage and so they interact a lot. I asked what his name was and proceeded to do a *very small* amount of fb digging, just to see if he was single, ya know just in case. I then went on the page where everyone was doing their post game posts so people can find each other and i saw his. I liked it, friended him, and wrote a little comment.

“Thanks for teaching me about warding in the tavern, you seem really cool and i hope we can interact more next game”. He liked it and commented back to talk him up about warding sometime. He friended me back and then liked my profile picture and i was like interesting...

I was planning for the long road. Give it a couple days then dm him about warding, or just conveniently show up at a combat practice where i knew he would be and be casual and flirty then. Or try to flirt with him next game, over a month from now. But then he dmed me.

“Hey i hope the warding stuff worked out alright. Your costume was very cute btw”

I saw this while texting my friends joking about “operation hot mage” and it being my characters one true objective to hook up with him ha ha it’s never gunna happen tho, and then he just slid in my dms and called me cute?? Like who is running this mod, it’s not realistic.

I sweat and overthink for a bit and then finally, with heavy encouragement from my friends, messaged him back.

“I remember you being exceedingly cute as well” and then i inmediately change the subject to talking about warding vs alchemy and i can’t decide HAHAHAHAHA

He replied with an “Awwh thanks ^-^” and then we discussed magic for a bit. Ya know, normal small talk things, apprentice vs journeyman scrolls, mana control, herbalism. Basic stuff.

Then he was like oh we also have a combat practice that meets every weekend, id love to see you there sometime. And i was like yeah sounds awesome, i hope to see you there and he was like “I would very much like that as well 😊”

So of course, based on this, i should overthink right? Because of course we’ll hook up and of course he’ll want to date me because of course I’m irresistible. But like.. none of that could be true. Maybe he was just being friendly, and then i made it weird calling him cute outright because he only said my outfit was cute, so really I’m the one who made it weird, and I’ll be super awkward next time i see him because of course i will because i don’t know how to flirt and of course I’ll say something wrong or I’ll be too enthusiastic or not enthusiastic enough and eveerything will be ruined.

And on top of those anxieties, it’s like, hey, even if all those (unlikely) assumptions are true, like.. am i even looking for a relationship? Like a truly monogamous relationship. Cuz i really like being with my goth couple and hanging out and hooking up with them and i like where the general friendship is going.. and then theres emily and we kinda have a thing right now, and we cuddle and are affectionate but it’s not a relationship and she might be ace so idk... then theres dempsey which is it’s own enormous can of worms that boils down to if we get together again, it’s for the long haul. So yes of course i want that, and i want to be with him again, but at this very moment, i don’t really want to give up my other interactions. Not because i want someone else to be my forever person, but because i want the experiences and i want to be single wnough to be in control of this sort of thing and i am right now, but then enter hot mage and my structure is breaking a little.

No joke this is the 2nd night in a row i have not slept because I’m thinking about him. I keep looking at screenshots of our conversations and this one photo i saved off of his fb because he has such a cute smile..

But I’m overthinking and that’s unhealthy. My therapist said the same thing after i was doing this nonsense when emily and i started hanging out more. I can’t let things sit for a minute. I wanna skip ahead and see how the story ends.

But i can’t really do that here until i see him. Cuz also, I’ve only interacted with Archmaster Kayn, not the real person. And based on his post game post, he is “not his character”. His character was just really suave and a little bit of an asshole but i was like 🤤.. so I’m eager to see what the real guy is like. Also notice i say guy and not his name because *sigh* his name is ryan and i feel like talking about a ryan usually is referring to dempsey so that’s something i gotta get used to.

I like him tho.. he’s so attractive and nerdy and has great hair.. all that’s left is actually talking to him in person out of character and seeing how we mesh then. Maybe he’s not even a little bit interested and i can move on. Or maybe he’s dtf which would be amazing. Or maybe he would want to date and id have to figure out if i want that or not.. or we could just be really good friends.

I’m kinda cool with whatever but i can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t put it out of my mind for long enough to focus on anything else. I can’t focus on school or friendships or any other potential relationship because i keep trying to remember what his voice sounded like, or trying to imagine what his personality is like, or trying think of things to talk to him about when i see him on saturday.. I’m so nervous about all of it.

It’s 6:30 in the morning and i haven’t had a minute of sleep tonight. Is this how it’s going to be until i see him? What if i waste all this sleep and time thinking about him and then i get in person and I’m like, meh. I’m over it. Cuz that’s happened before. I build things up in my head and then I’m disappointed by the outcome. And that wouldn’t even be his fault, cuz like he said, he’s not his character. So maybe i was just fawning over the suave hot mage when in reality he’s nothing like that..

I just can’t let it go. I find him so attractive.. it’s kind of pathetic. Why am i like this. Also, why must i get bored when it’s no longer a hunt?.. that’s probably why I’ve stayed so interested in emily because like nothing is set in stone and so much is up in the air that theres like still some work to do. And my mind likes a challenge. Hence i was gearing up for the long battle of ~make the hot mage fall in love with me over a series of months~ but then he just outright calls me cute and i have no idea what to do.

What if he’s creepy? What if he’s a virgin? What if he has no direction in life? What if he’s 45? What if he actually is an asshole?.. or a fuckboi, cuz christ i do not need another one. That’s why i like the nerdy boys cuz theyre so rarely also undercover assholes. Theyre usually cute and awkward and nervous but the payoff is amazing. Nerds tend to appreciate the hell out of their partners, plus i find them way more attractive usually than the pretty boy/fuckbois of the world.

I just wanna get to know him. I just wanna listen to him talk about magic. I just wanna sit on a park bench with him and talk about magic and maybe touch my knee to his. Really that’s all.

But here i am at almost 7am really just playing out every possible scenario.

What is i invite him over and he thinks my room is childish? Or he notices the rips in my comforter? What is he thinks I’m fat? Or he thinks I’m not as interesting in person and out of character as he thought.. even though my character is basically just me and talks and sounds almost exactly like me.

Still, what if he thinks I’m boring or dumb or since i don’t know game mechanics that I’m not worth talking to. What if xyz?

I really can’t eat or sleep these past two days. I can’t focus. I’m also like really horny cuz i haven’t gotten laid in 3 weeks which is a lot for me, so it’s possible that most of this is projected at poor hot mage because i need to get laid and he called me cute so therefore the hunt is on.

But also maybe i shouldn’t be meddling in peoples lives. When if he turns out to be really sweet and i just stomp in trying to hookup and hurt his feelings. I mean guys do that all the time but it’s different for me. Every guy I’ve hooked up with (except 3 ways with couples) has wanted a relationship with me so i kinda don’t know any better.

I want to sleep. I want to eat something. My stomach is hurting but I’m too tired to get up and feed myself. I just want to talk to him and compliment him and play dumb and pretend like i don’t understand the game mechanics of basic magic so that i can listen to him explain it to me..

What even am i doing