#i didnt watch spn while drawing this

[ices-casket]

I've been influenced... I've been so tempted to draw some samandy fanart but I needed to make sure I could, like, draw them each individually first

They look a bit silly but like whatever

[fandom-hoarder]

None of these options really fit me.

I come from a fandom era where any and all ships were on the table, and have many incest ships in other fandoms, but it wasn't really on my radar here. I knew about destiel before I started the show, and expected to ship it when I finally watched it--and I DID ship it in a *makes cracks while watching* way, reblogging crack on tumblr, but I didn't read a ton of fic--but the REASON I finally started watching in 2013 wasn't for destiel. It was because I read a Merlin/SPN xover fic with s3 Sam and Dean time traveling, and because my baby bro wanted to watch something together and we were caught up on Merlin and DW. I was a bibro from the start, but maybe the nature of watching with my brother made the wincest of it all fly under my radar as a draw. Maybe I was too primed by destielblr.

What made me start shipping wincest?? I was coping with 2020 by listening to podfic, and I hated how almost every destiel fic was AU and NOT THEIR CHARACTERS, and often treated Sam and certain other characters badly and/or "paired the spares," so I was desperate to find a pairing I vibed with set in CANON. Eschewed wincest at first, because I was on a breakup arc in my rewatch, and my ace ass couldn't get into all the PWP I was finding in podfic land. Read some samifer and it was hit or miss. Read some sabriel and HATED it, plus it comes with destiel and the-whole-angel-family-shenanigans most of the time. Read some criminal minds crossovers I enjoyed in a crackish way. But none of these were satisfying. But I'd been through all the merlin podfics three times, and didnt want to relisten to the destiel ones. Was hyperfocused on spn or merlin, so couldn't switch fandoms. Started looking for wincest podfics that weren't just porn. The breakthrough was a post-resouling s6 feelings fic.

So, how did I started shipping them?

I CHOSE TO.

Then I found the right fic to make me insane for them.👍

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

so get this. I was gonna roll around in Tombstone related fluff today - but no, no - this post came across my dash so Now We Are Gonna Discuss the Carnal Consumption of Meat as it appears on That Show Supernatural.  YEAH BUDDIES!

(also my sincere apologies to OP of the inspiration post who innocently tagged it with “lunch date!” ��because I am about to go Elsewhere, cursedly).

Let’s all go meat man, after the cut!

This analysis centers primarily on 5x14 Bloody Valentine.  The title of course is a semi-homage to a 3D Slasher Film Jensen starred in circa 2009. 

Which I will be renting soon I guess.  ,[<- parasocial panda GET BACK IN YOUR ENCLOSURE]

Also Its Really Fun that the trailer for Said Cinema ends with “nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell” [are you also thinking of Cas pulling Dean out of hell, or are you normal?]  ***unironically the teaser for 5x14 is -

EXT. SIDEWALK - IN FRONT OF ALICE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RUSSEL 

First date.

They then eat each other.  Literally they eat each others flesh.  They also do it while dirty talking about it.  SPN IS A SHOW 

ALICE Ugh! I've been so alone. So empty...

RUSSEL I know. Me too.

ALICE I want you, Russel---All of you... inside me...

[they both take bites out of each other, Alice chewing on a piece of Russel's flesh]

****Remember this detail, as it is important.

ANYWAY, it’s truly Cursed that not only are we doing an homage to this 3-D Jensen Horror Date Flick but also this episode is specifically centered on Valentine’s Day.  The day honoring romance and love Now Coopted by Hallmark, everyone, that is the day spn writers chose to introduce us to 

Sir Horseman of THE Biblical Apocalypse Famine. 

Canonically, we are aware that the show is drawing from the book of Revelations in its depiction of the Four Horsemen.  Here’s what it says about Famine -

"When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand.”

-Revelations 6:5

Famine holds scales (used to weigh out grain in times of food scarcity).  Spn’s depiction is represented as hunger, a bottomless pit of need.  It consumes souls (demon and human alike).  

Cas describes Famine a little more poetically:

CASTIEL 

"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed. He will ride into the land of plenty... "

"... and great will be the Horseman's hunger, for he is hunger. "

"His hunger will seep out and poison the air. "

***Consider a prior season in which we are introduced to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Which are the sins associated with hunger?

Gluttony

and Lust.

***this is also important

Back to the episode.  Case cold open, and we find out that Alice was a Nice Girl.  In that she didnt drink, smoke or

have premarital sex.

***So Alice’s hunger for the sin of Lust caused her to succumb to it; and her demise was presented as Gluttony (literally eating her partner’s flesh). HMM

Famine’s presence is affecting the town, and Cas is not immune.

DEAN 

And when did you start eating?

CASTIEL 

Exactly. My hunger-- it's a clue, actually.

***They lay it out a little more in case you missed it ->

SAM 

I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.

CASTIEL 

Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...

***this is so important.  but of course because its spn and our textual narrators are generally unreliable (even in a Ben Edlund episode, yes I know)

we get a red herring

CASTIEL 

Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.

***but that’s not accurate.  they didn’t get married or become obsessed with each other (remember the cursed coin in 4x08 Wishful Thinking and the unconditional love wish? not what happened here). they had premarital sex.  they did the thing Alice considers wrong, and dark, and sinful.  and then they ate each others’ flesh.

DEAN 

Okay, but what about you? I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

CASTIEL 

It's my vessel-- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect

***mad lad Jimmy Novak’s hunger is for...red meat?  He is starving for red meat?  You are telling me that the Novaks, red blooded conservative religious midwestern Novaks, ate RED MEAT SO SPARINGLY that Jimmy Novak was LITERALLY starving for it?!?!  No way.  Absolutely no way.  This is a man who was such a religious zealot he STUCK HIS HAND IN BOILING WATER and accepted an angel of the lord into his own body but his secret hunger was for fucking ground beef?

give me a damn break.

to me this is an absolute coverup.  Because Cas’s burger consumption is not related one iota to his vessel Jimmy Novak.

it is a representation of Cas falling.  Cas’s cravings for meat represent his growing (and very much prohibited) feelings for...humanity (Dean Winchester), and they are presenting as Gluttony in the form of his downing more and more copious amounts of red meat.  

SERIOUSLY, consider this - at one point the depiction is so desperately carnal that he is eating raw ground beef with his bare hands. It is fucking uncomfortable.  and it is SUPPOSED to be.  Famine stirs up hunger for the prohibited.  For the sinful. That which we are starving for but do not believe we can ever have, so we lust and we lust and we LUST after it, but should we allow ourselves even just a taste of what we have been ravenously craving, we binge it until we ourselves disappear into the oblivion of our own sinful, dark desires.

Since You Want More Examples of why this cant possibly be hunger for Cheeseburgers and Cheeseburgers alone, Consider Famine’s effect on Dean.  Remember his doctor kink?

**when its revealed that Doctor Corman has succumbed to Famine’s poison by drinking himself to death, Dean - very uncharacteristically by the way - reacts by saying out loud

DEAN Thanks. Crap! I really kind of liked this guy.

***please note that Doctor Corman says the following to Dean in the prior scene they have together -

DR. CORMAN [to Dean]

Agent Marley, you just can't stay away.

****was that a flirtation?

***Also, Dean doesn’t want to go out and chase tail for Valentines Day.   

SAM

I mean, what do you always call it-- Uh, unattached drifter Christmas?

DEAN 

Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may...I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

SAM 

So you're not into bars full of lonely women?

DEAN 

Nah, I guess not. [takes a sip of his beer] Ahh. What?

SAM 

That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.

***oh look we are relating things to eating again.  sex/lust to gluttony.  hmmm hmmm hmmm

ANYHOW -  *takes deep breath*

 this is also the Episode Where This Scene Lives

****JACKTING JOICES

oh and speaking of jacting joices, this is also the Dean Notices Cupids Crotch Episode.

frAckles, I am once again asking why you only permit celestial beings to hug you from behi-[gunshots]

but Dean isn’t hungry.  Why? Famine has the explanation, and we get it after Dean immediately runs inside after Cas heads in to complete his portion of their plan barely giving him any time to do so because he misses him that much.

FAMINE 

I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.

DEAN 

Oh, you're so full of crap.

FAMINE 

Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! 

***not Dean making all of those homophobic/homoerotic jokes every time he’s in danger or feeing uncomfortable; not that, that can’t possibly be what Famine is referencing, right?

I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. 

***not THIS parallel:

AMARA:

You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except… It's cloaked in shame

You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. 

***not the motions of performative heterosexuality!!

***Dean’s not hungry because in his heart he truly believes that he can’t actually have what he hungers for.  That Thing Which This Episode Overtly but Also Very Clearly Made Obvious.  It’s an angel riding shotgun [I did Do That and I am Not Sorry], eating a burger in the front seat of the impala.  But, I’ve deviated from the meat of this essay [gunshots] [this time just for the bad joke].

BONUS

there’s Exists another episode in which a man ravenously consumes red meat; eventually succumbing to eating raw beef with his bare hands in the season prior to this one.  

Yes Supernatural the Show That Brought Us Not One But Two Scenes of Persons Carnally Consuming Red Meat With Their Bare Hands.  

This episode is a MOTW - the man in question is a rougaru - a monster that starts out as human but due to some specific genetic disorder (hmmm hmmm hmm crack in THE chassis hmmm hmmm) soon begins to be extremely hungry - “for everything, but eventually long pig.” AKA human flesh. 

Wanna know the kicker?  

Episode’s called Metamorphosis.

(GIF by jackttwist)

I’ll see myself out.

[DOUBLE BONUS for extra credit:

if you really wanna wild out, go watch the scene of Jack the rougaru looking at himself in the mirror in 4x04 - and then meander on over to 7x01 and check out God!stiel looking in the mirror as the leviathans writhe inside him over there. It’s worth the walk.]

***oh and @lilac-void​ im tagging you in this one because in exchange for your KIND creator content nomination I guess I will respond by cursing you with an Honorary tag in this, a Meat Meta.  you’re welcome slash I'm sorry XO [but seriously thank you again for your kindness and appreciation; it really motivated me to sit down and get moving on making more content <3]

[mrfutureboy]

I would like to know when you started drawing and where your passion for fanart started 😊

Oh FUCK dude i did not see this i’m so fucking sorry this is so late 😭 damn you, tumblr, for not fucking notifying me!! Anyway buckle up this is gonna be much longer than you asked for <3

Honestly ive kinda been drawing all my life! I hope that doesnt sound dumb cuz obviously almost everyone drew pictures when they were kids, but i know that it’s been a consistent hobby for me since i was little. By the time i was in 3rd grade I was hoarding notebooks to draw in. Cuz that’s something fun about me: i had a real huge habit of drawing in things that werent sketchbooks. Through middle school and beyond I did buy/receive sketchbooks, but I started out with various kinds of notebooks. One I had from like 2nd grade was like a hardcover, stationary-type notebook that I drew cats in lol, and I have 2 velvet lisa frank notebooks from 3rd grade. In high school and college I had a really bad habit of drawing in the margins on my notes and on handouts the teacher/professor would give. Those classes where the prof just prints out all the notes beforehand and gives them to you to follow along? Oh man, I spent so many classes barely listening while I drew on them! I also used to draw on my physics homework and tests and sometimes I even got extra credit for them (thank you jeff :D). I actually have a folder of various drawings I’ve kept from that 8yr time period and a lot of them are on classwork 😂

Obviously, I’ve been doing a lot of digital art lately, which I’m sure is what u were more curious about rather than the shit about drawing on my homework. I got a surface pro as a graduation gift in 2016 bc prior to that i had a wacom tablet and a janky ass laptop, so the gift was kinda a 2-in-1: i can do schoolwork AND art easily! i like digital art a lot and honestly im still learning new things abt it every time i draw. I use Leonardo currently (i’ll skip that story) but I started out doing digital art on sketchfu WITHOUT the wacom tablet in maaaaybe 2012??? 2011??? does anyone on this site remember sketchfu? Honestly couldnt even tell u how i found that site hahah the internet was just full of wonders back in the day. RIP sketchfu. Once i got the tablet tho some time later i used sketchfu still (i think) but also gimp and krita i believe.

Oh i suppose I should mention that i took art all four years of highschool and also minored in it in college! So it’s something i did academically as well as for fun. I keep thinking about going to art school for realsies but idk. I’m already $$$ in debt from my first degree i dont feel like adding to that 😅😓

Ok now for the second part of your question: I’ve also pretty much always done fan art! Ive never really been one for OC’s, EXCEPT for the self-insert superhero double life “comics” i wrote about a poodle named Sassy when i was in third grade. And then the knock off “comics” i wrote at a later time which honestly it was weird that i did a knock off of my own thing rather than just adding them to the original or making it a spin off with at least one of the og characters. Cuz it wasnt a spin off!! But anyway there wasnt really much to any of these characters; i just needed vessels to get my weird ideas out.

So anyway yeah most of what ive ever drawn has been fan art or self portraits, because its just easier for me to take characters that already exist and bend them to my will (artistically). Well excluding art assignments in school i guess because i would usually have to draw something specific and therefore not something self indulgent. But yeah ive drawn for lots of fandoms like the earliest i remember is warrior cats. Then theres things like pokemon and warriors and random other books i read thru middle school (i used to read a LOT but now im practically illiterate); spn, sherlock, and marvel through high school; and then marvel and bttf thru the end of hs and beyond. Idk i also have always loved looking at other peoples fan art and so im like “shit i wanna do that too!”. Tho i will say marvel was my biggest fandom and the one i had the longest interest in, so that was probably where the passion REALLY came from cuz I was drawing marvel stuff for such a long time (tho not posting shdjsk u have to trust me), but ive been doing fan art forever :)

(Of course, a lot of the fan art i was making prior to recently was drawn in lined notebooks or on homework sheets or what have you, and I wasn’t posting really any of it, but i was still making it and a good chunk of it still exists. Oh i should also mention most of it was with pencils or ballpoint pens like i wasnt doing anything too fancy. There was some digital art in the highschool-college time frame but it also really wasnt…much. Honestly i barely posted any of it here but I know some of it’s on deviantart)

I cant pinpoint the exact time I started getting more “serious” about my art in general, but i know the first pandemic lockdown gave me more free time and i was less stressed about schoolwork so i just kinda had a good outlet. (Tho i will say that prior, I had been in a life drawing club for a short while, and i had also been working on a personal sketchbook project that had me pretty ~inspired~ to do art. Also i watched twin peaks around this time and it inspired a lot of Feelings and i was making funky collages and other art pieced that were sometimes related to that. Some of those are on deviantart)

Honestly I think the Big thing with my digital art was coincidentally getting back into BTTF the summer of the 35th anniversary bc the fandom here was THRIVING and i was like “oh shit wait i want to contribute!” But as i kept drawing i kept wanting to improve and that leads us to right now where im constantly trying new things (whether subtle or obvious) and challenging myself to do full body drawings with different poses, and doing screencap redraws and what have you for various reasons (backgrounds, proportions, pose, etc)

So yeah :) Basically I’ve been doing fan art forever (I didnt even get into all the mediums ive tried but that’s another conversation bc this is already so long and convoluted) and it’s kinda coincidental that ive suddenly really gotten back into it and have improved dramatically in such a short time. Thank you so much @rovermcfly for the ask and again im really sorry you had to wait so long for a response! Stupid tumblr

[deansdirtylittlesecretsblog]

We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes

Title:  We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes

Author:  Dean’s Dirty Little Secret

Characters:  Soulless!Sam x female reader

Word Count:  1058

Warnings:  nsfw, smut, explicit language, explicit sexual content, unprotected sex, semi-public sex, chance of getting caught, tiny bit of angst (seriously, tiny, you have to squint)

Author’s Notes: This was written for @roxy-davenport ‘s SPN Birthday Challenge. I had a variety of prompts I had to include - Soulless!Sam x reader, an interrogation sexual fantasy, a reference to the movie Scream, and the quote "Everyone deserves a second chance." The only thing I really had trouble with was the Scream reference. Let’s see if you guys can find it.  //evil laugh//

You watched as he strode through the door, his suit hanging perfectly off of his fit frame, his tie pulled loose, the top button of his white dress shirt open. He sat on the edge on the table where you were sitting, hovering over you, his presence intimidating, overwhelming.

You fidgeted nervously. “How much longer am I going to be here?” you practically snarled.

“Not much longer,” he shrugged. “Just a few more questions, Miss Y/L/N.”

“I think you’ve asked me enough questions,” you snapped.

“I don’t think I have,” Sam retorted. “I’ll let you know when I’m done with you.” His eyes were empty, his face stoic and uncaring, blank. There was nothing there when he looked at you - nothing of the Sam you’d known. You were still trying to adjust to this new, unreal version of the man you loved. Sam without his soul.

You took a deep breath. You’d agreed to try, telling yourself that everyone deserved a second chance. It had been Sam’s idea to do something that the two of you had done before he’d gone to Hell, something that might make you feel like you still had your Sam in your life. You’d leapt at the chance, choosing the role play fantasy that had been your favorite. You straightened your shoulders, determined to follow through with what you’d started.

“Let me go, Agent Winchester, and I promise to make it worth your while,” you purred, rising slowly from your seat, your fingers dragging along the edge of the table as you moved toward him. You stopped in front of Sam, swallowed back the touch of fear you felt, and put your hands on his thighs.

Sam smiled at you, though it wasn’t the same smile you’d fallen in love with all those years ago - the sweet, innocent puppy dog smile. You brushed his hair from his face, wishing he’d lean into your touch like he’d always done, but instead the smile changed to a smirk, a knowing smirk. You stepped closer, rose up on your toes, and pressed a kiss to his lips.

“What do you say, Agent?” you whispered against his mouth.

He grabbed you around the the waist, lifting you, and in two long strides, he had you against the wall beside the the two-way mirror, his body flush against yours, his mouth on yours, kissing you with intense ferocity.

“Sam -” you gasped, pulling away. “Someone might see us.” You looked pointedly at the video camera on the wall.

Sam glanced over his shoulder, his eyes narrowing slightly before he turned back to you. “It’s off, told ‘em I work better without an audience. No one in the other room either.” He tipped his head toward the glass. “Just you and me.” He caught your lips in his, just as intense, just as greedy. He wanted you.

Screw it. Caution thrown to the wind, you returned the kiss, one hand fisted in the back of his jacket, the other in his hair, his groan of desire when you tugged at it making your body hum with need. You wrapped your legs around his waist, your shirt pulled up in the back, scraping against the bricks, your skirt hiked up around your waist, the hard line of Sam’s arousal rutting against you.

Sam broke off the kiss, pulling away long enough to twist his fingers in your panties, and pull them off with a hard yank, the material digging into your hips for the briefest moment just before the elastic snapped and broke, the flimsy material falling to the ground. He shoved his hand between your legs, two fingers teasing at your entrance.

You moaned, your head falling back and hitting the wall, Sam’s mouth crawling over your neck. He growled, the sound reverberating through both of you, his fingers sinking into you, thrusting and scissoring, stretching you open. He fumbled to open his pants, pulling himself free. He fisted his cock, stroking it several times. He kept one arm around your waist as he lowered you onto his substantial length, both of you groaning as he filled you completely.

Sam held you in place, his hips moving in tight even thrusts, his arm sliding up your back to your shoulder, pulling you down onto him, burying himself deep inside of you. His face was pressed to the side of your neck, his breath hot against your skin, his hair tickling your cheek. He was grunting, slamming into you, the sounds he was making obscene and unbelievably sexy.

You tugged on his hair, drawing another groan from him. He moved faster, fucking you harder, so hard your head and back were slamming into the wall, making for a strange combination of pain and pleasure. Tears were sliding down your cheeks, every emotion possible bubbling to the surface - desire, want, need, love, hate, fear, anger, even sadness. They were crowding your brain, each one jockeying for position,  overwhelming you. Sam looked up at you, catching your lips in his, and for a second, you felt your Sam, felt it in his touch, felt it in his kiss.

The orgasm took you by surprise, a sharp jolt of intense pleasure hitting you out of nowhere, a startled gasp coming from you. You threw your head back, not even feeling it crack against the wall, moaning Sam’s name as the sensations rolled through you.

His fingers dug into your shoulder as he thrust into you several more times, his body going stiff as he let go, his cock pulsing as his seed spilled into you. He kissed you breathless, groaning into your mouth, sweat running down his face and neck.

Sam nipped harshly at your lower lip as he set you on your feet. He stepped back abruptly and tucked himself back into his pants, then he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and tossed it to you, smirking as you tried to pull yourself together. You’d just straightened your skirt when he grabbed you by the upper arms and pushed you back against the wall.

“That was fucking amazing,” he growled, kissing your neck.

“You’re crazy,” you sighed.

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” he replied. He kissed you one more time, bruisingly hard. “I’ll meet you in the car.”

“A little mad,” you whispered. “That about sums it up.”

Forever:  @aprofoundbondwithdean @jensennjared @mrswhozeewhatsis @the-mrs-deanwinchester @official-shipper @brooklyn-writes-flangst @climbthatmooselikeatree @mamapeterson @katnharper @raeganr99 @skybinx-blog @winchesterr67 @grellsutcliff105 @arikas5744 @faegal04 @the-girl-of-your-nightmares @mrsjohnsmith @kreborn17 @mogaruke @courageoussam @nerdwholikesword @growningupgeek @virgosapphire79 @sleep-silent-angel @bkwrm523 @iwriteshortstuff @for-the-love-of-dean @nichelle-my-belle @deandoesthingstome @andiamsoinlovewithyou @pizzarollpatrol @misswhizzy @supernatural-jackles @balthazars-muse @waywardjoy @awkwardnerdqueen @valee-ppiew @superbluhoo2 @deansbaekaz2y5 @roseangel013bf @deanwinchestermybae @jencharlan @kickasscas67 @chelsea072498 @neanealuv @deanscherrypie @kittenofdoomage @tjforston @purgatoan @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @sckslife @sis-tafics @youwerelikeadream @i-dream-of-dean @impala-with-wings @bringmesomepie56 @basmaraafat @oriona75 @dearmisterhiddles @writingbeautifulmen @ultimatecin73 @gemini75eeyore @vote-for-pedro @tom-is-in-my-tardis @percywinchester27 @mysteriouslyme81 @faith-in-dean @that1seniorchick @milkymilky-cocopuff @atc74 @s4m-w1nch3st3r5287 @winsmut @squirrelchester @demonangelimpala @justacaliforniandreamer @xxsugarturtle @findingfitnessforme @wvnchxstxr @winchestergirl-love @petrovadixon @colorfuluniversewhispers @love-kittykat21 @velcr0kitty @spookypeyton @frickfracklesackles @ria132love @shhhs3cret @harleenquinzzel @icantfindacreativeurl @gallifreyansass @anotherotter @kaitlynmarie1120 @giftofdreams @not-moose-one-shots @you-didnt-see-that-cuming @emoryhemsworth @fangirlofeverythingme @goldenolaf25 @nanie5

Sam girls: @anotherwinchesterfangirl @winchestersinthedrift @sammit-janet @blushingsamgirl @withoutaplease @appleschloss @winchester-bait @kayteonline @miss-devonaire @frankiea1998 @samwinchesterfluffandsmut @impalaimagining @ellen-reincarnated67 @isabellarose5150 @saxxxology @lenawiinchester

[spnshameblog]

I've been wondering that myself bc although i tried to convince myself i was done with spn for like.... 8 years? I was actually lying to myself bc while i stopped watching the actual episodes, i still followed important plot points and kept an eye on cas like a jealous ex. I also still followed some of the actors and even started following actors that joined spn after i had left. I got ball-bustingly angry when they killed Charlie and rowena and i was really sad when they killed cas at the end of s12. I think thats when i finally made a hard cut and stopped lurking in the spn tags on tumblr, only to have my coworker try to get me to watch it again (which resulted in me thinking cas, kelly and lucifer had a threesome).

I saw the final comiccon panel and was actually, genuinely sad and pretty surprised about that.

The fucking funniest thing is that the original reason why i didnt want to quit watching spn was bc i wanted to be there when destiel went canon. I was like "im never gonna forgive myself if it goes canon and i have up on it", but at some point i forced myself to see through the queerbaiting and now we're here.

I knew IMMEDIATELY what had happened in nov 5th and i saw spn trending with all the little pictures of cas crying. I really wanted to find a reason to hate it bc deep down 16yo me was PISSED at myself bc i had fucking missed it!! After all these years they fucking make it canon and i'm not there!!

But then i saw the jokes about jensen barely holding back his homophobia and i was like, hold on. What the fuck are you talking about, dont say shit like that. And then i saw people talk about how crazy the buildup to this had been and i was like "well that settles it. Im gonna have to rewatch everything i missed." And i did (i did a cas centric rewatch lmao) and by the time the finale rolled around i was IN IT. i was out there drawing up theories on main, i was reblogging speculations about how cas would come back and then got absolutely shattered by how shit the real thing was.

I was fully prepared to abandon spn again after that and i really felt so fucking stupid for having been queerbaited into watching the show again. But i was in the middle of my rewatch and thought "well i might as well finish this so i can truly have a definite end to my spn phase" and that end never came lmao.

It was so fucking easy to get back into supernatural and at some point i realised i had always wanted to and was just fighting it tooth and nail bc i (rightfully lmao) wanted to hate it for its many many flaws. And i still do, but the show also just compells me.

So to answer your question: i dont fucking know. I think misha himself cursed me at some point. I'll never be free of him or supernatural. Idk if i want to be.

(I think its the mix of parasocial relationships with the cast, an unhingedly incoherent storyline that leaves PLENTY room for fanfic and theories, incurable shipper-brainworms paired with blatant queerbaiting and a fandom that just sucks you in with how passionate and unashamedly cringy it is. Do you know how much i missed being the person with the spn icon that reblogs Non-spn posts and adds tags like "ughhh just like cas :/" its HYSTERICAL)

does anyone have a theory about what it is about supernatural that just gets under your skin and lives there. almost everyone who got back In It post nov has said something along the lines of being an unwitting sleeper agent and ive seen a handful of people start with s1e1 for the first time this year and immediately be sucked in and taken ABACK by how sucked in they are. what IS it