#i didn't write this for the attention i just wanted my ideas written down somewhere

[usmsgutterson]

I think I might have fallen in love- realization fics! Fics with this prompt can be the realization of anything--a characters imminent death, the moment wherein someone realizes they've been betrayed, or they can be super fluffy and detail the moment a character realizes they're in love, the moment where they realize they can see a future with the reader--perhaps one that entails settling down or one that involves leaving the past behind--, the moment where they realize that they want to marry them! Anything goes with this prompt, and I'll write 1-5k words using it!

ooooh okay, what about kaz x reader. and it's him realizing that he can see the rest of his life with r. i feel like that'd be such a huge moment for him, cause it was one think to admit he loves them but to actually see a life with them? like doing the domestic things, ya know?

He Knows- K.B x gn! reader

First off, I am SO SORRY that this took eight days! I've been studying to get my learners permit and before then was writing out requests on my sideblog so it's just been a lot to juggle with everything else lol, but thank you for sending this and all of your other requests in! This one was very fun, I absolutely adore a good realization fic and writing for Kaz was good after I'd not written for him in a bit!

Fic type- this is super fluffy!

Warnings- one mention of his trauma (he mentions not wanting to go to his childhood home in Lij because it still hurts to think about)

On the first day of October, Kaz Brekker is approaching the Slat and thinking about the next big job, the next big thing, when another thought suddenly occurs to him.

The thought is that he should grab you some tea at the cafe that recently replaced one of the nearby brothels. He lets the thought backtrack his feet about sixty steps, lets it allow his mouth to speak the words necessary to order you your fall-time tea of preference.

As he carries it back to the Slat, he can almost hear Ninas joyous snicker, almost see confusion in Matthias' gaze and see the smiles Inej, Jesper and Wylan are wearing.

He can hear Nina saying "you didn't peg me as a tea person, Brekker," when she notices the string and the tag which reads the cafes name attached to it.

The idea makes him scoff as he enters the Slat, eyes scanning the ever-constant crowd on the bottom floor in the hopes he'll meet your gaze somewhere within the mess of it.

When he does finally see you, you're not the first person he spots. The one who catches his attention is Jesper, wearing a bright but still burnt orange suit with nice looking navy blue accents, and he follows Jespers eyeline to where he spots you in the crowd of Dregs that has gathered on the bottom floor.

Jespers eyes are on you and Kaz watches as Jesper watches you approach the table with a mug of black coffee in hand. Kaz watches as Jesper notices Inej--who sits to his left in the table for six, Nina on his right--look at you skeptically as you slide into the spot beside Wylan.

Matthias is standing, unsurprisingly, though his arms are wrapped around Ninas shoulder in a hug from behind, and her head is tilted back so that her hair is touching his cheek. The two of them, as infuriating as Kaz finds it to be for a split second, look so happy.

Kaz approaches, takes the remaining seat at the table. You grin, slide the coffee his way. He slides you the tea he'd ordered.

"I love you for this," you say, grinning slightly. "Thank you, Kaz."

Kaz grins into his coffee, shrugs it off. "It was on the way," he says, and he knows that you know that, but he also knows that you won't know he purposefully backtracked sixty steps to get it for you. He knows that he does not want you to know that, so he says nothing of it.

You laugh, and Kaz's heart jumps in the way he's become accustomed to it doing so.

You'd been dating since the year before the Ice Court. It had been three years since. You had exchanged 'I love you's for the first time two years ago.

"I'd bet money he was zoning out while he walked," Nina says, and Kaz has to grip his cane like it's a lifeline to keep himself from spitting out his coffee while he's in the middle of sipping it. "Then he remembered 'oh, I've got a partner who likes tea' and so he walked back. Bet you it was as he was putting his hand on the doorknob."

"I'd take that bet," Kaz says, partly because he know she's wrong. "But it wasn't as my hand was touching the doorknob. It was a good six-ish minutes beforehand. Ordering the tea and receiving it took four."

Nina smiles at him. "Some days, the things you do for your beloved make up for your terrible haircut," she says. "Your next drink is on me, Brekker."

Kaz shrugs--a free drink is a free drink--and glances at you for a moment.

"Sixty paces?" you ask.

"Yeah," Kaz said. "Tacked on a solid few minutes, but I know you love the tea they make at Baileys."

"You got up to grab his coffee about six off," Wylan says. "Oh, that's so sweet! Your couple brains are couple-braining. You're sensing when the other is close by."

"It was ten bloody minutes!" Kaz says, a little incredulous. You laugh at him for a minute.

"Ten minutes," you say. "Six of which you spent walking back."

Kaz looks at you and you just grin, turning to Wylan before you take a sip of your tea.

"Either way," you say after you've downed the first sip and the warmth has surpassed your throat and settled within your stomach. "You can't judge me. You looked like Jesper had given you the entire world when he came into the Slat the other day."

Wylan scowls playfully at you, and Kaz looks at you and it just--something within him stirs. Something domestic, a part of him that yearns to come home to you every night, something that wants to relish in weekends off and hum along to the music playing from a gramophone while folding the laundry.

He shuts it out, rests his cane against the side of your chair in a manner that says 'I love you' without actually saying a damn thing at all.

-

That something stirs within him once more as he finds himself in the Kerch countryside. He hasn't brought you to Lij--twelve years gone and still, the very thought of visiting his childhood home hurts just a bit too much for him to risk it--but instead to a cute farmhouse that he'd bought in anticipation of retiring seventy years on, when he was ninety and still kickin' because he was Kaz Brekker and he would live to see 100 just to spite the people he disliked.

It is the first weekend of October and it has been a year since the last. You're in the kitchen and the only reason that Kaz is awake is because he smells coffee, wafting in from the pot as the water churns and the coffee falls into it.

He smells pumpkin, too, and knows what you've been doing without even having to think of it.

You have a very specific but very delicious recipe for pumpkin pancakes that you always make during the fall, and they stand as one of the only iterations of pumpkin-flavoured food and drink that Kaz can say he enjoys.

They're pumpkin pancakes made with a fairly basic recipe plus the addition of half a cup of brewed chai. You also tend to pair them with whipped cinnamon butter, and that morning it does not seem to be any different.

"Morning," Kaz greets as you grab two mugs from the cupboard.

In a manner that borderlines on reflexive despite Kaz's never having done so in that house, Kaz takes your electric kettle off of it's port, flips the top open and fills it with water. He sets it back on the port and clicks the small metal flap at the bottom end of the handle. He watches the port go from gray to blue to signify that the water has started heating, thanks to a mechanism that reacts to warmth.

"Morning," you respond as Kaz takes the mug he deems yours--the one shaped like a cauldron, while his is shaped like a ghost--and grabs a bag of your favorite tea, plopping it into the mug.

The two of you run through the motions quietly but contentedly even still--Kaz makes your tea, you make his coffee, Kaz gets the plates and you plate breakfast. You each grab your own utensils and sit down at the small black circular table that sits in your dining room.

Kaz, with a start, realizes he doesn't really know what to talk about. There is nothing, particularly, that currently plagues his mind. He loves the silence, though, and decides it best to allow it to remain uninterrupted.

Twenty minutes go by. Kaz thanks you for waking up and making the food--in Ketterdam, especially the Barrel, having a kitchen, having cups and plates to occupy the cupboards, utensils and baking tools to occupy the drawers and food to occupy the fridge and the pantry is a luxury. You like baking but what was the kitchen in the Slat was turned into the bar--and tells you he appreciates it.

You grin at him then, and Kaz knows that he will never escape the feeling that you are more than he will ever deserve.

That thing stirs within him again hours later, when lunch and dinner have both passed you by. It stirs when you've eaten your way through half of the pie brought to your doorstep by an old lady who'd claimed she had baked too much, the rest of it stored in the fridge for later consumption.

It is the innate feeling that Kaz cannot yet name that has him setting up the drying rack, grabbing the nearest dishtowel as his ears focus in on the sound of you humming along to the music, the music that plays softly from the gramophone as it filters into the kitchen from the lounge.

The ceramic ghost mug that you'd bought on your first day of the trip while you were in a town twenty minutes out from the farmhouse sits a couple of inches in front of Kaz, half full of chamomile tea because he does, in fact, aim to sleep through the night.

Candles have also been lit because the idea of turning the oil lamps on after sunset feels wrong, and Kaz looks at you and it all just hits him.

He's twenty-one, and he has been dating you since he was sixteen when it all just hits.

He looks at you, sees your face in the din as you dry off your hands and turn off the tap water, and suddenly he just knows.

Kaz Brekker knows that you are more than he will ever, ever deserve. He knows that he will someday propose to you and he will someday marry you, and perhaps he will retire when you do--likely around the age of 70, where retiring at ninety was his plan--and perhaps he will suggest long before you retire that you make the trips to this farmhouse a yearly thing.

He knows that he will have countless thoughts to get you tea when he's passed Baileys Cafe and he knows that he will walk back sixty paces to Baileys to get it countless times.

He knows that he will dry the dishes while you wash them, that he will find himself half awake in the heat of the Ketterdam summer, that he will get out of bed and pull the curtains back before trudging to bed again while still half asleep, just to feel himself awaken as he registers how easily enamoured he becomes with the way the sunlight cascades across you.

He knows he will come home many-a-night and he will fold the laundry with you, the two of you idly humming along to whichever record you've chosen to play on the gramophone, that your arm will bump Kaz's by accident and send the both of you into laughter.

He knows that he will experience the joy of getting to buy groceries with you, and he finds he can't wait to argue with you over the silliest things--a bag of six apples for one kruge is not the bargain deal you think it is. He knows that you'll remind him that getting two sets of the same coffee brand is not a smart financial move when the discount adds up to a grand total of one and a quarters kruge--and that one of you will laugh and the argument will break apart as though it does not exist.

"Kaz?" Someday, he will marry you. He will kiss your cheekbone in greeting and goodbye, and his soul will forever be entwined with yours.

Someday, he will have proof that the love he feels for you is not a weakness like so many Barrel thugs seem to think.

"Yeah?" Kaz asks, snapping out of his stupor.

You grin. "You okay? Lost you for a second there--you looked zoned out."

"Nothing serious," Kaz says. "Just uh--can't wait for the rest of the trip, is all. Could use a bit of rest if I'm completely honest."

You nod. "Me too,"

So then, dishes done and not a worry left in the world, the two of you blow out the candles you've lit. You go to bed a little earlier than normal, and Kaz knows that he will go to bed at your side for the rest of his days.

[misc-obeyme]

Congrats on 1,000 followers!!!! your writing is incredible. Can I request "Stay as long as you want." with Simeon?

(from @simeons-devilgram - sideblog!!)

Hello there! And thank you so much!!

Ahh I love Simeon, he's so sweet and so pretty! I enjoyed writing this one. He talks a little bit about writing and I'm gonna be honest... that's mostly from my own personal writing experience lol. I think Simeon is a better writer than me by a lot.

Thank you for participating!

1,000 Followers Event!

GN!MC x Simeon with prompt "Stay as long as you want."

Warnings: none!

It was a quiet night in the Devildom for once. Nothing urgent was happening, no demons needing your attention. You had decided to go for a walk alone after dinner. Normally a demon would insist on accompanying you, but these days you could handle yourself and you were able to slip out without anyone noticing.

You walked with no particular destination in mind. Your thoughts were elsewhere as you let yourself wander, content to let your body go where it would.

As your focus tumbled through all of the things you had to do, you looked up to find your feet had brought you to Purgatory Hall.

You sighed a little. You actually weren't surprised.

Even though you were often preoccupied with demonic shenanigans and being a representative of the human world, there was someone who was always at the back of your mind. Someone who lingered beneath your thoughts, who made your stomach flutter any time you saw him, who likely had no idea how often he was on your mind.

And now, when you had a little time, when you let your subconscious guide you, you found yourself on his doorstep.

You had to decide if you were going to see if he was home or if you were going to turn around and head back to the House of Lamentation.

It was a surprisingly difficult choice. On the one hand, you wanted nothing more than to see his smile. But on the other hand, you weren't sure if it was something you could really do. After all, he was probably busy. You didn't want to interrupt-

Your options were taken from you when the door to Purgatory Hall opened and Simeon walked out.

The minute he saw you, his face lit up, the smile that you had so wanted to see beaming at you.

You couldn't help but smile back.

"MC!" he said, coming over to you. "What are you doing out here?"

"I just happened to be walking by," you said and you were grateful that this was actually the truth. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Just to the park nearby," Simeon said. "I like to sit and look at the stars when I'm thinking about the next part of the story I'm working on. Would you like to come with me?"

You really wanted to say yes, but you hesitated. Would you be imposing on him?

Simeon noticed your hesitation immediately. "You don't have to, of course, but I would love to have you."

The heat of your blush was likely visible to him, but you tried to pretend it wasn't there. "If you don't mind me tagging along…"

"Not at all," Simeon said, offering you his arm.

You looped your arm through his and he pulled you close to his side. You felt your heart start to race and hoped he couldn't tell how your stomach was doing flips.

As you began to walk down the street, you asked, "Are you having trouble with your story?"

"Not exactly," Simeon said. "It's more like there are different options for how the story could go at this point, so I have to decide which one I want to try."

"And sitting in the park helps with that?" you asked.

"The location doesn't matter too much," Simeon said. "It's more about not staring at what I've already written. It helps me give my mind a break."

You had already reached the park in question; it was closer to Purgatory Hall than you thought.

Simeon walked you over to a bench by a pond with a small fountain in its center. He sat down on the bench without letting go of your arm.

"Is everything all right with you, MC?" Simeon asked.

There was a note in his voice that made you think he was worried. That he could sense something was off about you. You couldn't exactly tell him he was the problem, could you?

"Yes, why?" you asked.

Simeon looked at you. You turned your head and met his eyes. The halo in them seemed more pronounced than usual and it was like there was a light shining behind them.

"I just wanted to make sure," Simeon said. "You're always working. It's important to rest and take care of yourself, too."

It felt as though a tiny sun had come to life inside your chest. Simeon was wearing his suit, as he often did now, but all you saw when you looked at him was the light of an angel.

"It can sometimes be a lot," you admitted. "But I'm okay."

Simeon adjusted the arm that was still hooked with yours in order to grasp your hand, lacing your fingers together with his. He looked up at the sky dotted with constellations.

"You can be honest with me," Simeon said softly.

You closed your eyes briefly. You wanted to be honest. You wanted to tell him what was really on your mind. But you knew he was expecting you to talk about how your workload was too much. How tired you were or how overwhelmed. And certainly you had a lot to do, but it wasn't anything you couldn't handle.

Once again you were faced with a choice. And this time, you would have to make it.

"It isn't that I'm doing too much or anything," you said, your voice hushed in the quiet park. The only other sound was the tinkling of the fountain and the rustling of the leaves in the breeze.

"But something is bothering you," Simeon said.

You shifted a little, turning your head away so you couldn't see him out of the corner of your eye. Your hand was clamped onto his so tightly you didn't think you could pry it loose if you tried. "It's just that I can't stop thinking about you, Simeon. I have a lot going on, all day, every day, but you're the only one I'm really thinking about. I didn't even mean to come to Purgatory Hall, but I did anyway. Because all I really want is to be with you. I know you're busy and you probably want to get back to writing, but I… I just want to sit here by your side."

Simeon put a hand on your cheek to turn your head so you were looking at him again. The light behind his eyes seemed to have increased, like two bright stars fallen from the sky to sit there beside you.

"MC, I had no idea you felt this way," he said, his voice a little breathless. "All this time, I've been holding back from you. Why would you need me when you have so many others to turn to? I love having you by my side, so please… stay as long as you want."

Simeon let go of your hand, pulling his arm out of yours, just so he could put it around your shoulders instead. You pressed yourself up against him, returning the embrace as you leaned in close.

Simeon kissed you and the light of his eyes, the warmth inside your chest, everything seemed to surround you. For a moment, you felt the soft brush of feathers.

After that night, you found yourself wandering to Purgatory Hall even more frequently than before. Most of the time, Simeon met up with you halfway there, on his way to see you at the House of Lamentation. It was as though the two of you had synced up, the same light and love flowing through you in the same patterns and desires.

When Simeon showed you his finished manuscript, you smiled to yourself when you read the scene where the protagonist met with her lover on a bench in a park under a sky full of stars.

1,000 Followers Event | masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[faksyan]

For the character ask thing, Decoy Octopus! No just kidding lol I'm gonna give you a Death Stranding character instead. Since you're new to the game and you might not have spent too much time thinking about the characters, choose one between these three: Fragile, Cliff Unger, Deadman.

Fragile!!!!!!!! Sorry I saw she was there and the decision was instantly made. Shame it's not Decoy Octopus though, love that guy and his many appearances (pun intended) in the game. And I do love both Deadman and Cliff. Fragile is just. I love her so much.

First impression

Being highly confused and intrigued about the world, that's what most of my attention was on during her introduction. Loved the spiky jacket!!! And I do love her umbrella, it's such a fun shape and. texture? I don't think they ever said what it's made of but it looks transparent and reflective and solid all at the same time? It's a really cool design. I like that she's a pretty mysterious character for a while and you know that she's There somewhere but not what she wants with Sam or overall.

Impression now

She seems pretty reserved and polite, but in a way that feels genuine. She respects people, even if they don't always respect her back, but she also doesn't seem the type to just take people's shit. Maybe she has been for a bit after people started labeling her as a terrorist, I feel like there was a lot of self-pity there that was well earned, she basically gave up her life for people who she thought would never know or appreciate it. I think her meeting Sam helped her a lot with processing all of that, and the fact that he let everyone know about what really went down must have been such a shock and relief, even if she didn't show it that much. I really like how happy she is about eating cryptobiots and offering them to Sam, and I love when he eventually takes one.

Also about Kojima's writing of women and in general, I think they are like fine wine, as in is better each year (the writing of women was a pretty shitty wine to start with though. magically got good in ds, and I genuinely wonder why, it hasn't been that long since v). She doesn't fall into the mother/sister/love interest pitfall a lot of his female characters do. I do love Amelie!! I do love Mama!!! Motherhood and family are very important themes of ds, but with the context of his previous games Fragile feels like breaking the pattern, which is great!! Decpite the running in her underwear in the rain bit, the way she's is written is kind of the polar opposite of Quiet. In terms of how society perceives bodies of older women its considered unsexy and whatnot, and the aftermath of what happened to her makes her hide her body as opposed to wearing a bikini. But it doesn't exactly feel like it's out of shame, even though it was definitely meant to be a humiliation when Higgs did it, it feels like Fragile still has so much dignity to her. I like that she is conflicted about her sacrifice and wishes she hadn't done it. Makes her feel very raw and real. It made me happy that the state of her body wasn't treated weirdly by anyone around her, and I get that it's because of the nature of the universe and that a lot of people must be affected by timefall all the time, but it still made me happy!!

Favorite moment

The forehead touch and conversation as she sent Sam to rescue Amelie, and the talk near the lake after she and Sam get rid of the bomb. When her and Sam are on the ship too, it was a quiet nice moment. I like when she pronounces fragile weirdly.

Idea for a story

I had a silly thing in mind where a bunch of characters ask Sam on a date to shoot their shot, and he ends up rejecting all of them, Fragile included albeit with the implications that it's sort of reciprocated but also things are complicated, and they both are fine with where they stand. I'll be honest, I thought I didn't really like any ships with Sam, but I really like his dynamic with Fragile, romantic or not.

I would've loved to think up something cool about the time she and Higgs worked together. We get a glimpse of Higgs' perspective on their relationship during that time, but very little of hers, only the stuff that's already clouded with her desire for revenge and not how she really felt at the time.

Unpopular opinion

Oh man, I haven't really seen enough ds takes to know what's considered unpopular.

Favorite relationship

Her and Sam. I really liked how respectful she was about his phobia, with everyone else there were points where they obviously forgot about it or used it for intimidation, and I kind of hated that since I do share it to some extent. She also kind of seemed to do that a few times, like when she was telling him about her history with Higgs, but even then she still kept her distance in a way that didn't feel the same as with other characters. I really liked that about her. Her and Higgs also. And I do think she's at least sort of friends with the rest of the main guys, the scenes of them sending Sam off and then rescuing him are so, so good.

Favorite headcanon

Ahh I don't think I have anything. I've read very few death stranding fics but there was this short one I really like where Fragile travels with Sam on bikes for a bit and they race. She also uses his shower a bunch and leaves or takes stuff around his rooms in it, I liked that idea a lot. It's the casual intimacy of something small, I feel like they understand each other in their love for solitude, so they can be alone together and be content with it.

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

s2ep3 glaciator

ah an episode for the marichat shippers. actually, i guess for all the love square shippers except for ladybug and adrien (whatever that ship name is called, i've forgotten--no wait, is it ladrien?)

anyway it was a dumb episode. but andre is the most french character i have ever seen lol. i unironically love how he mostly talks in rhymes. i'd sure like to see what kind of ice cream he'd give me, an aroace.

but anyway, the fact that adrien lies to his friends and ditches them to plan a "romantic dinner" with ladybug, showing that chat noir doesn't listen to ladybug really annoyed me. like plagg is right! she said she had other plans, she was letting him down gently. and he completely ignores her!! and then he's hurt by her???

like i guess i'm okay with him putting his feelings aside to be able to deal with glaciator, bc that's the most mature thing chat noir has ever done to date, but it feels hollow bc chat noir doesn't listen to ladybug. and adrien is convinced that he still has a chance--that she'll just change her mind about him despite telling him outright that she loves another boy and only sees him as a friend. it gets extremely weird after a while, and steers far too close into very worrying behaviors.

and his heel-face-turn doesn't feel earned. like i was annoyed at first that he just put his feelings aside so quickly.

but i was also annoyed with the whole set-up of why he was annoyed. i had a reason i didn't like his sudden shift, but it's gone from my brain, so i'll move on.

the thing is, what really frustrates me about the love square is how much it doesn't work. adrien doesn't listen to marinette. chat noir doesn't listen to ladybug. and marinette gets too flustered around adrien to properly pay attention to what he's saying. like maybe it's just me being an adult, and this being a kids' show, but it is annoying that they're "meant to be" when they can't even communicate. communication is key to a good and strong relationship. not feelings. not destiny. communication!

i hate to say this, but there is a universe where i could see the love square working in a way that doesn't feel contrived and hinges on the fact that they always talk past each other. but under better writers. in a show with a solid writing team, i could actually see the set-up working really well. bc miscommunication is a common trope used to create drama. i don't prefer it, but that doesn't mean it can't work under the right--or write, get it?--circumstances.

likewise, marinette being a dick sometimes is fine narratively speaking. that's allowed, that's fine. it creates conflict and shows that she's flawed. but under this set of circumstances, i found it really frustrating that 1) she doesn't want anyone knowing she has a huge crush on adrien even tho everyone knows and 2) that's the set-up to her being a dick.

and listen, under better writers, i don't think it would've bothered me that much. points 1 or 2. bc ppl do do weird, irrational, and downright mean things when they're stressed or scared. but again, adrien doesn't listen to marinette, and everyone knows she likes adrien anyway. why try to hide it?

i mean i know why. i saw the post about the creator apparently stating somewhere that the reason she gets so flustered about adrien is because she confessed her crush to kim once (wow, real original, put the two asian people together bc they're both asian) and apparently got embarrassed by chloe. but, and i cannot stress this enough, the audience doesn't know that at this point. so we have no idea why she acts the way she acts, nor why she doesn't want ppl to know (even tho they already know!!).

i don't know, i just feel like i'm criticizing things that can't actually be criticized, bc in a better written show, i could see them working. unfortunately for me, this is not a better written show. it's barely a show.

[zahri-melitor]

Hi! How and when did you get into DC comics?

Well my original entry to DC was that I was a fan of Lois & Clark: the New Adventures of Superman when I was a kid and it was originally showing. This actually was a decent entrypoint to the DC mythos, as it's famous for having probably the best TV-comics synergy of all time: the Death of Superman was written to have a plot running while Lois & Clark built up to the wedding, so they could do simultaneous weddings in the comics and the show.

It worked out pretty well for DC.

But DC Comics, as comic books? Well somewhere around 2006 or so I'd transitioned into reading some fic for Lois & Clark, as a change. I then moved on to stories about Bruce/Selina (which I had a reasonable amount of background for from the Burton & Schumacher movies), and ended up in the scans_daily scene on LJ. This was the heyday of scans_daily, when you could pretty reasonably follow along a lot of major comics via the 1/3 posting rule; you didn't get everything, but that plus the summary got you across events pretty well.

I'd liked Barbara Gordon as a little girl, watching the movies. It was at this point I discovered Oracle.

The first comics graphic novel I ever purchased was Birds of Prey: Perfect Pitch. I've still got it. I ended up reading a bunch of runs recommended via content I liked on scans_daily: Birds of Prey, Robin, No Man's Land, Nightwing, Batgirl 2000, Blue Beetle, and Young Justice. A couple of these I was buying trades for (BoP and Blue Beetle); the rest I was reading via ye olde torrent packets. I was also reading and collecting a bunch of Vertigo titles: The Sandman, Fables, Y: the Last Man, and one or two Marvel titles (Runaways and Power Pack).

I dropped out of DC fandom, like so many others, around 2010-2011. It was actually prior to n52 in my case: I wasn't enjoying Batman Reborn, they'd cancelled my two favourite books (Birds of Prey and Blue Beetle), but the last straw was probably when they murdered Lian Harper.

I noped out. And it was a pretty good call on my part, given that n52 was barrelling down anyway.

I was still occasionally dipping in to read fic, mostly about characters I particularly cared about, but every time I took a breath and paid attention to gossip about what was currently happening in comics, it was mostly terrible news (Lian was still dead; people told me Roy's personality had been obliterated; Barbara was Batgirl and magically healed; the universe resets sucked and everyone hated them; Jason was somehow still alive; everyone was mad about something that had happened to Dick; etc etc)

It was during 2022, when I don't even know how I came across it, but I discovered that DC had finally reprinted Young Justice in trade. This was huge; collections had refused to do this during the 2000s aside from a trade of Sins of Youth back when it came out. There was a general attitude that the group of largely younger and largely female fans weren't worth catering to. The fact that DC now saw us as a lucrative market suggested to me that my contemporaries were finally getting their chance to start running the asylum.

So I dipped back into the community. It was a little hard at first, because hubs had changed, and locating fans who liked the things I personally liked took a little while. But I got back into the fandom, and got back into the fic, and discovered that back in about 2017 there'd been a revival to start reprinting a lot of my favourite comics runs, and that DCUI was the best way to read comics these days, and I could get access to it in Australia.

And because DCUI was just so much better than the methods of reading comics I'd been dealing with 15 years previously, and I'd had an idea for a story I wanted to write, I started a canon read through review, starting all the way back in ALPOD with Tim's earliest comics.

And here I am. I often have older opinions on things simply because I remember being in these debates 15+ years ago, and then I missed the intervening period, so my opinions never updated or heard the changed details (or are only slowly doing so now). I'm a preboot girl at heart because that's where I fell in love with various characters. I, like every other Batfan with a similar history to mine (and there are a lot of us) went through that moment of sheer bemusement over the Tim & Jason tag at AO3 as my most prominent memory of their relationship was Tim kicking Jason in the nuts.

And I've bought a lot of trades ever since getting back into the fandom, because I can't lose access to them AND they're just so far superior for collection purposes than floppies.

[arcaneoddity]

Writer Interview Game

Thanks again for the tag, @torterrachampion <3

When did you start writing?

I've pretty much been writing forever tbh. Started taking it more seriously when I was like... idk, 12ish? I still have a cringe ass German Sonic self-insert OC thing lying around on a hard drive somewhere I'm sure. Only started publishing my fanfic at age 15 or so, that's around the time I switched to writing in English too. I don't really do original stuff, my planning capabilities and attention span just aren't enough for that.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

When it comes to non-fanfic stuff I enjoy a good thriller and things involving murder investigations. Don't enjoy visual gore but can handle it well in written form, usually.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I dunno, I'm just kinda making shit up as I go lmao. There is one fic that I kinda see as The Pinnacle of everything I care about and want to portray in my writing, this absolute Break/Reim gem by calliope_love on dreamwidth. I'm not actively trying to emulate the author or anything, I just feel like this piece has shaped me in several ways and I need to lie tf down about it.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

That's either at my PC (that's where most of the proofreading/editing takes place at any rate), or... pretty much wherever I have my phone on me and inspiration strikes. Most chaotic place I've written fic at was sat on the grass somewhere in the very back of the crowd at a concert during a metal festival. I'll let that speak for itself.

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

To be honest... I've stopped trying to force it. I used to beat myself up about not getting anything done, but that didn't work out and only made me feel more miserable. These days it can indeed take a good while for inspiration to strike, or I get five ideas at a time, but I'm feeling better about it this way. It's not like I'm writing for money or anything, so it doesn't really matter in the end.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I'm a big sucker for romance and characters finding trust and unconditional love in each other, especially in a hurt/comfort kind of context. It's all about that emotional catharsis. Also... I tend to write sex as a character study. That's the niche I've carved myself out and I'm comfy in here.

What is your reason for writing?

I enjoy exploring characters' motives behind their actions, their emotional state, their connect to those around them. Writing's also my idea of an outlet for myself, in a way, it helps to process certain themes through a different lens.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm told I'm pretty good at capturing nuanced emotions, especially the heavier and conflicted kind. This is backed up by my friends telling me I hurt their feelings, which I count as an achievement.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I'm pretty happy with where I am tbh. Ofc there's always room for improvement I guess, and not everything's gonna come out the way I want it to, but I don't explicitly strive to get anywhere in particular. I will say though... I do have my moments that have me going, I wrote that?? Damn. B)

Gently sliding this across the table to @morocosmos (no pressure whatsoever tho) and anyone else who wants to take a stab at it!

[fallout4-reacts]

Ok so this is less of a request and more of a thought to consider. It bothers me that Danse doesn’t really comment on vertibirds going down/crashing/finding dead brotherhood in the commonwealth. It also bothers me that Hancock doesn’t really say much during the synth quest in Diamond City. Idk I feel like there’s a lot of potential dialogue that’s missing. Like Preston commenting on a settlement that’s been “improved” (hit all requirements for water, food and defense) should also be a thing.

do you have any ideas for potential dialogue that’s missing from the game? Again, not a request so don’t feel like you need to write anything, but just a good for thought.

Titan quest!

I'm inspired by your non-request

What would improve Fallout at the level of dialogues? Yeah, I realize I can't put all I wanted because it would be monumental, and even if I wanted to make (somewhere) a monumental post, it would require a lot of effort to determine what could have been done for the companions and etc…

Knowing that Fallout 4, which contains some of the most fascinating and colorful companions in the franchise, has a major scenario gap, I wondered how to fill it, what struck me, and what was missing—and it's practically unlimited. Many authors have written fanfiction on dialogue-worthy situations.

Then, I drew a line of sorts

Thus, I suggest a conversation that would have suited each companions. Like the FEV request, this Titan Request requires partitioning to conquer. Like with the FEV, I'll try the unexpected too. You've already cited Hancock's silence on his brother, Danse when he witnesses Brotherhood forces being blasted out of the sky, and Preston's remark when he visits settlements, so I'll try to be creative elsewhere

Far Harbor remains delayed. In my Survival game, which I use to write fanfiction, I'm still waiting. Long Fellow isn't familiar enough to add

Here the part 1 (because tumblr didn't let me do more)

Dogmeat - Elder Maxson - Gage

Dogmeat : He's a dog; he doesn't speak, and he doesn't judge. Without mentioning dialogue per se and despite the fact that he is more of an anthologies than a companion, I've always believed he should have had his own quest. But I will not go there (sorry, lol, but time does not stretch to infinity, and if we do not wish to extend this topic to infinity, I must make a decision). Here, I will merely present a theory that has already appeared in one of my fanfictions.

"He was known as the Lone Wanderer. He, like Nora, came from a Vault, although he grew up in the shelter. He was motivated by the same desire to save everyone, which began with his father. And, like Nora, he had a dog."

MacCready's gaze shifts abruptly to the clinic. Dogmeat has been watching over the place since I returned his mistress. I'm not sure what Mac was staring at. He appears to have difficulties swallowing. The dog looks at him as if he understands something—whatever that is.

"Da... holy... aye!"

"What?"

"Are you kidding me? Dogmeat was the name of the Lone Wanderer's dog."

I paid closer attention to the dog. He yawns in our direction before lying down in the dry grass. I couldn't stop chuckling.

"How long ago was that?"

"Around the year 2277."

"So, it's possible."

The coincidences are striking, but occasionally happens inexplicable. We look away from the dog, who appears to be uninterested in us.

"After all," I say, "the Sole Survivor and the Lone Wanderer both knew the Kid."

He gives me a puzzled look, then appears to comprehend.

"Is that me, the Kid?"

"That's what everyone refers to you as. Isn't it better than a mercenary or a gunner?"

"Not sure," he contends softly.

Elder Maxson : We all know what didn’t stand here. How could he accept we have settlements with ghouls and even synth. And just the fact he never says a word about the fact that Sole is the General of the Minutemen! And a Super-Mutant as companion! As I already do the Strong thing with Danse (not ready yet), I will just make something in the range of the dialogue of Preston when we want to join the Minutemen after Nuka-world.

"Paladin, you can retire. I desire a private conversation with the newest member."

After a final glimpse in Sole's direction, Danse walks away from them as they shrug their shoulders to indicate that they don't understand the situation anymore as he does. Maxson makes a sharp turn and gazes out the bay window of the deck while facing the horizon.

"Before entering potentially perilous territory, I conducted investigation on the happenings in the area and what information was crucial. It is unacceptable from a military perspective to be oblivious to the terrain in front of you; therefore, I am aware of who you are and whom you are protecting.

"Who exactly am I?"

The elder confronts the knight by facing them directly and gazing them in the eyes.

"Minutemen's General. Having under their protection communities overwhelmed by ghouls."

"Sir, we are not discussing ferals; we are discussing citoyens of the Comm—"

"Mutated abominations that will one day become monstrosities in their entirety."

Sole clenched their fists. They are able to accept a great deal from the Brotherhoods, and they are even able to share a portion of their vision, but in this case, it exceeds all reasonable expectations.

"You aren't allowed to bring your lethal arsenal onto our territory and tell us how to live our lives."

"I am capable of doing so, and I have to! You must recognize that those creatures pose a threat to the human race in order to safeguard yourselves."

"You must acknowledge that you don't possess the absolute truth, and that you cannot judge every person who walks the earth."

Maxson exhales a sigh and approaches them while maintaining an almost regretful expression.

"I comprehend what you are thinking; you believe I am moving into hazardous terrain and overstepping the line. I comprehend what you are telling to yourself. Alternatively, this is the point I am attempting to convey. Humans have been toiling and giving it their all for the past two centuries in an effort to survive in an environment that has become increasingly hostile to their kind. Many individuals believe that the golden age of humanity has passed and that the time has come to recognize that other species have the right to share the world with us. There are even pro-Super-Mutant advocates. In the short time that I've been in command of my organization, I've encountered a wide variety of situations, the extent of which would surprise you. But if there is one fact that stands out above all others, it is the human race's constant decline. You use the term tolerance, whereas I prefer the term assimilation. Slowly but systematically, mutated creatures transform humans, many of whom are already so irradiated that they cannot prevent mutation. If we continue to disregard certain issues in the name of tolerance and redefining the human race, we will no longer have a human race to discuss. To put it simply, this is why we, the Brotherhoods, fight every day for the survival of the human race at any cost. We don't only make friends on our quest, but you have to understand that permitting ghouls to exist, no matter how friendly they can be, is a choice that puts the entire species at risk."

"You must realize that if you bring this kind of mentality with you, you will in fact start a full-scale war with the Commonwealth!"

"Am I to understand that you are unwilling to open your mind and comprehend what this is all about?"

"From what I gather, you are the one with a narrow perspective, and if you continue to be so insistent, I will be forced to resign from my current position with your organization."

Maxson maintains his composure for a moment while frowning, and he appears to be deeply troubled by what the person in front of him has just said. He makes a nagging sound and then dismissively elevates his hand.

"At this point, I don't believe I would get through without someone like you, as you seem to be such a vital asset. I have high expectations that you will be able to understand what I am attempting to convey to you during your service. Surely co-owning more healthy human beings will help you better understand our vision. If you do not, you will be forced to make a more definitive choice sooner or later. Dismiss!"

Gage (romanced) : Gage lacks a scene with Sole when Sole betrays the Nuka-World raiders. Gage says nothing about their love affair when the Open Season adventure begins. It’s awful—empty.

"Why? What's the point of biting the hand that feeds you? Why would you turn against those who have given you everything?"

"You knew from the start that my position was unenviable; you didn't want it yourself. I would have ended up on the table one day or another like you had fed me with Colter as my first meal."

Gage sighs and takes a few steps towards Sole.

"I was honest. I had complete faith in you and your ability. When I said we'd go far and conquer the Commonwealth together, I meant it. I wanted to give you everything in the world. I gave you my heart!"

Sole pauses and lowers their weapon.

"I didn't want that at all. There is yet hope. Porter, you're a wise man. We could leave together, and instead of plundering the Commonwealth, we can serve it. We may build up an enviable niche there and retire quietly when the time comes."

Gage slowly shakes his head, a small grin on his lips.

"Do you hear what you're saying? Put me to work for the Commonwealth? The Commonwealth should come to my aid! There is no such thing as retiring for those like us, Sole. The only time I'll see for you is when I take down your damned carcass and watch it rot in the Nuka-World sun."

[marzipanandminutiae]

its really too bad that you didnt respond to the well written response nbraraeaves made to your incredibly cruel and judgmental tags on that post. they brought up a lot of good points and its disappointing how youre so unwilling to hear any perspective other than your own.

Genuinely I had no idea what this was about until I scrolled halfway down their blog. Maybe next timetry specifying the theme of said post at least, so I have some idea about what I've been "incredibly cruel and judgmental" in regards to? We're not mutuals, and this was such a quickly dashed-off reblog that I didn't think to keep track of it after moving on to the next post.

I found what you were talking about, I think. I tagged a post about wanting community tags to block "x reader" fics- that is, second-person fics where the reader is a given character's OC love interest -thus:

Which, I admit, was a bit snarky of me. Although I will clarify that I meant it as an expression of genuine surprise: most fandoms have stories ranging from breathtaking to unreadable, quality-wise, in every sub-category of fic, so it surprised me that I'd never come across any Well-Written But Not My Thing stories of the Xreader variety. Logically I still figure there must be some out there, somewhere; it just seems strange that I've never found them.

the commentary, unlike this ask, was very polite and considered, and made some points I hadn't thought of before. (hence why I am actually responding to it, instead of simply deleting the ask)

They mentioned a lot of things I'll admit I hadn't considered- I assumed it was mostly just people wanting to bang a specific character. Which would be fine, to be clear! I don't go into Xreader circles and yuck anyone's yum- I said this on my private blog, where I thought nobody into that sort of thing would see it.

Which leads to another point: I did not think anyone who was into Xreader would be following me.

Listen, on the balance, the Xreader fanfic in my fandom tends to be. Not kind to the female main characters, Lucille especially. And again, that's fine; I'll just avoid those fics. But it lead me to assume, clearly incorrectly, that most CPeak Xreader writers hated my Best-Beloved Blorbo, and therefore were unlikely to stick around once I made my love for her clear.

(Why I didn't think about other types of XReader writers...I can't say. Fandom laser-focus, I suppose.)

Now, clearly I was wrong- that commenter is a CPeak Xreader writer and at least tolerates my immense desire to blanket-burrito Lucille like a hissing kitten enough to actually read my fanfic. It's for them that I'm answering this, not you; however that post came to my attention, it's still worth sharing, and they shouldn't be punished for what some anon with a bug up their ass does.

@nbraraeaves: I appreciate you sitting down to tell me why your preferred form of writing is meaningful and enjoyable to you. Thank you for your comment. While XReader will probably never be my thing- honestly, more because I want the characters to be with each other and not me than out of any perceived Inherent Failing of the medium, above tags notwithstanding -I can understand your perspective on it much better now. I hope it continues to bring you joy for a long time to come

@Anon: you may now retreat to your hidey-hole, proud and secure in the knowledge that [checks notes] you got a random person to stop being a little bit disdainful towards your favorite fanfic genre on the Internet. your gold star will be arriving in 3-5 business days

[branmuffins22]

13, 26, 35, 39, 44 from this ask game

Ooo, that's a lotta questions!

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?

The short answer? NOT EXACTLY BUT I REALLY REALLY SHOULD

The longer answer?

Technically, I have almost every major plot point written down in some form or another before I write a thing. That said, they usually aren't in any sensible order, and are buried in a mess of a channel in my private discord server, where ALL my brainrot goes.

When I write, I mostly just pick a starting point from one of my notes, and walk it forward from there. I tried properly outlining for one of my fics, and it got me... somewhere, but for the most part, my brain just doesn't work that way. An outline becomes a task list, and I can't stand task lists.

My current system is kinda horrid, but I'd be more worried about someone getting bored sifting through all my scattered notes than getting a headache from them.

26. What’s your biggest distraction when writing?

That one's... probably a tossup between a lot of things. Bodily needs, background streamers mentioning something I actually have an opinion on, my mother barging in with shame and deadlines for cyclical tasks (man, I need out of this house), my twin having something funny to show me... basically just ~Life~, lmao.

I guess part of the problem with my current life situation is that I don't have a lot of time that's truly, unequivocally my own, so I get pushed and pulled around by whatever or whoever calls my attention loudest.

...Or maybe that's just the adhd talking.

35. How much has writing fic changed your life?

SIGNIFICANTLY.

Now, I've been known to struggle with feelings of situational/emotional permanence, so I could be a little biased by the fact that it's my current biggest hobby, but at this point, around half of my social life happens in fandom/fanfiction circles, which wasn't the case a year or two ago.

Two years ago, I didn't read for fun. Like, full stop. I only started doing that after Thanks to Them released, when the hiatus brainrot got me seeking content and community from more than just the show itself and the friend who got me into it. I think the very first fanfic I read was a oneshot someone cross-posted to tumblr, which somehow convinced me to join both tumblr (technically rejoin tumblr) and Ao3 around the same time. Well. maybe a month or so apart, because of the weird account-creation queue thing Ao3 has goin' on. But still.

I don't think I started to consider writing my own fanfiction until I read A Blight on Bonesborough, by GeminiAlchemist, and got a bunch of ideas from the way they expanded upon the lore and magic system and characters and all that of the Owl House.

From there, it kinda took over my life completely, lmao.

I wanted to write about Luz's experiments with glyphs, and some potential avenues of missed opportunity brought to my attention by The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled, by IdeaHunter, and that eventually turned into the Artificer|Overthinker AU (to this day i still haven't picked the name).

Later, I wanted a story about Luz experiencing human high school again after all the dust settled, and after reading a fun fic whose premise was great but whose execution didn't quite scratch the itch (Luz Noceda and the mysterious case of her imaginary girlfriend, by Imkindagayyk), that slowly evolved into Masha and the Very Normal Nocedas (which I actually started writing over a year ago, and still haven't gotten to a postable state with even a single chapter, lmao).

Ever since, I've pretty much been rotating some fic idea or another in my head 24/7.

Nowadays, I wake up and check ao3 for fic updates/new fics, I read while I cook and eat breakfast, I browse tumblr for new stuff from my faves and mutuals, I check ao3 again every few hours, sometimes (but not often) I find the motivation and such to actually write, and I kinda keep up like that all day.

It's maybe a little excessive/obsessive/destructive/etc, but fanfiction kinda defines all the intentional parts of my life right now.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

Voice and gimmicks.

The most prominent examples I can think of are the various literary tropes I try to imbue certain characters and such with. I usually write in 3rd-person limited perspective, so the characters' voices influence not just the way I write their dialog, but the way I write entire scenes.

There aren't any good examples of it in either of the fics I've actually posted so far, so you'll kinda just have to trust me on this, but a great example is the way I establish the POV character of a given scene.

It's easier for some characters than others, and I haven't come up with a gimmick for every character yet, but I try to open each scene with a literary trope that emphasizes some aspect of the POV character's voice.

For example, scenes written from Luz's point of view always start with speech, either hers or directed at her. Luz is a rambunctious, chatty, and kinda awkward character, who tends to exert herself on every situation she comes across, so I figure an unconventional (and arguably obnoxious, according to some people) opener works great for her.

Hunter is an outwardly-cocky character with some deep-seated self-worth problems (and a very slanted worldview besides), so his scenes always start with a self-affirmation of some kind, usually followed by a contradiction. Often, he's either intentionally or subconsciously trying to convince himself of something, or to do whatever it is he's about to be doing in the scene.

Vee is a bit of a special case. Like Luz, her scenes start in media res, but she tends to borrow the gimmicks of characters around her. She's a shapeshifter, and learned about life in the outside world as a doppelganger, so she has a tendency for mimicry, intentional or not. She also has a secondary gimmick, one that's a bit more her own, in that narration about her often finds itself filled with alliteration, especially involving the letter S (since she's sort of a snake, and snakes hisssss (and doing it with the letter V was too hard lmao)). It started as a running gag she played on Masha in MatVNN, but then I couldn't stop using it, so it's kinda everywhere now.

Masha is a superstitious (though slightly apathetic) character with a keen eye (and no attention span with which to wield it). They tend to seek out meaning even where there isn't any, and thus often completely miss the broader details in favor of the little things. Their scenes start with an isolated excerpt, usually a tarot reading. In an ideal world, the readings would foreshadow both the events of the scene and at least one of the ways they've misinterpreted them, but unfortunately, I haven't yet actually learned enough tarot to do that. It's a big part of why Masha and the Very Normal Nocedas is taking so long to get to a postable state 😅.

That's pretty much all the opening gimmicks I've worked out so far, but another one I'd like to mention has to do with the way magic is written.

Whenever a spell is cast, I whip out my thesaurus and try to sprinkle in a few words nearby that relate to the kind of spell being cast. For instance, I might say that when Willow casts a wall of vines, she first "plants her feet on the ground", or "stifles her budding anger". Before Luz casts an invisibility spell, she might think about "hiding the cards she was dealt" or maybe "her hands disappear into her pockets". Stuff like that.

The way I imagine it, magic taps straight into the caster's homonculus (broadly, the part of their brain that decides and understands what encompasses "the body") in such a way that the caster becomes part of the spell just as much as the spell becomes part of the caster.

Luz in particular, having the knack for magic that she does, tends to start this process of "becoming the spell" as soon as she decides to cast it, not just at the moment she actually casts it. It's like working yourself into the headspace of a thing, before sitting down and doing it. I've got a whole huge segment in one of my more dramatic fics that's basically an entire page of this kind of thing, with Luz preparing to cast a really big spell (or, well. technically a pair of big spells (TECHNICALLY technicaly it's one normal spell being used to prepare to cast the two massive spells. it's a whole thing)). It honestly might be the highlight of my writing portfolio, which is a huge shame because it's a MASSIVE spoiler.

Anyways, uhhh yeah. I really like gimmicks.

44. Rant about something writing related.

WELL SHITDAMNFUCK, IF ONLY I READ ALL THESE QUESTIONS AHEAD OF TIME! I COULD'VE SPARED SOME OF THOSE PRIOR RANTS FOR HERE!

Well. Guess I aughtta find something else to write about.

How about the ultimate enemy, the scourge of our people, the cornerstone of suffering itself, the dreaded and feared, the great and terrible:

Writer's Block.

It may come as a surprise to the ignorant among us (hehe, amogus), but I, too, suffer from Writer's Block from time to time! In fact, I'm even suffering from it right now! And I have been for the past... oh goodness, over 2 months now.

I had one good day of writing, in all that time, which only came about because I nearly fell asleep in the tub. I somehow daydreamed my way into a really good turn of phrase that I just HAD to put into context for Backlight and Bitrot.

So far, that singular scene, set (the equivalent of) several seasons into the story, remains both the only thing I've written for that fic, and the only thing I've written at all since January.

It's infuriating! I have all these ideas, all these things I WANT to write, all these people I want to share these ideas with, all this time, all this passion, all this brainrot, and yet I Just! Can't! Write!

AUGH!

It would be one thing if I'd simply run out of ideas; I could call this whole thing something pretty like a "dreaming phase" or a "break in order to recharge" or whatever. But I've been dreaming for ages! This break has been in no way relieving! I'm just wallowing in my inability to do the things i love, while the world moves on around me!

You've had an excellent way of phrasing this for yourself, recently: "The executives are on vacation."

It's not some pleasure cruise for me! Those darn jerks (basic brain functions) who dictate every little thing that goes on around here just fucked off to who-knows-where! Completely blind to the consequences (stagnation, suffering, shame) of their absence, and how those affect their employees (me)! I just work here, man! Lemme do my job! I wanna do my job, but I can't if you don't let me! Ugh.

I want to write so goddamn bad. I've got all these projects to write for, all these brainrot spores to spread. I've got so much I want to accomplish, and yet my dumb bitch brain can't seem to get the memo. Work phone is powered off, I suppose.

It's gotten to the point lately that even those random notes to myself have slowed down. I'm having less new ideas than before. I'm picking old ideas out and polishing them less than before.

I'm worried I might end up having to find a way to cater my writing to the dumb mammal part of my brain somehow, in order to bring some momentum back. Write about something crude and easy and filled with every instantly-gratifying fantasy I can imagine.

No more of this 'careful thought' and 'consideration for themes' junk, we want it LOUD and we want it NOW.

Ugh.

Writer's Block is the worst.

What a bummer to end on. Oh well, I'm gettin' kinda sleepy, and I'm out of questions anyways. Thanks for the ask!

[ussjellyfish]

Fic writing asks: 1, 7, 40, 49, 51, 57, 72 (sorry if this is a lot, there were too many good questions in this one 🥲)

These are good!! thanks for asking, it's always lovely to be asked.

(thanks for waiting too).

Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

Having time and energy to write is harder for me than the ideas, so I daydream often, and sometimes don't get to write it down at all. I love throwing ideas at people, that's so fun and rewarding, but that hasn't been happening lately. (if anyone wants to volunteer as tribute...I would love to talk about Discovery fic). I should 'ship less niche things but...the heart wants what it wants.

7. Post a snippet from a wip.

(from Michael gets pon farr)

Michael sat up on the biobed in one smooth motion, her attention focused on Hugh, then Tilly. It wasn't that she didn't recognize them - she knew them all - but she'd never looked at any of them this way. Her gaze stung when it found Joann, like Georgiou's had in the beginning. Michael was there, but she wasn't. Michael fought the hunger behind her eyes, reigned it in a little so she could smile at Tilly and shiver.

"It's worse, isn't it?" Tilly asked.

Michael's eyes lingered on Keyla for a moment, as if she was hungry. Her gaze brushed across Joann again, scorching as if Joann were staring into a hot oven. Then Michael found the president, and she stopped moving her eyes. Tilting her head, Michael took a step, then another, her motion sinuous and quick.

When she smiled now, all apology was gone. Joann had never imagined herself as having any kind of telepathic skill, but she knew what Michael wanted, and it was to rip the president's silken blue nightgown off with her teeth.

40. What is your favorite world that you’ve created for a fic?

I am really partial to "Beverly Crusher and Kathryn Janeway, get married, save the galaxy, get punished for using Romulans to help save the galaxy by getting sent to the most boring, least resourced, end of the line space station, and then have a couple kids there. They also have a cat. I spent so much time world building that one, and I'm really happy with how it turned out.

I could do better now, but...you know, it was fun. Toreth is there, and she and Janeway are almost friends and there's a whole 7 seasons of a show that I didn't write but I know what happens. (somewhere). It would have been fun.

49. What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

Uncharted maybe? It's one of the best things I've written, just in terms of world building and feelings and actual thought that went into what I was making. It's definitely me at my best.

Me on an ordinary day is very... "In case of emergency please contact" (It's sick fic, the stakes are low, there's romance but it's subtle and there's a whole interlude where I get distracted by original characters).

Or migrations and other recurring phenomena, where there's some sex, some desire, but it's mostly dialogue and friendship and also very low stakes and nebulous.

Firefly is still the most just for me thing I've ever written, but it's really long, so probably not a good introduction.

51. Does what you like to write differ from what you like to read?

Other people can write things I am not good at, like fast plot, and snappy things, and I love the surprise of someone else's fic. I don't know what's going to happen, so even if it's the most similar thing to what I would write, I love it, because I don't know what is going to happen.

I write what I write because I'd like to read it, and there's not really enough of the soft floaty sort of things I love, so I keep writing them.

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

I don't do it often, I'm not the most intentional writer. I'm much better at dialogue, so sometimes I can make that work? Character says something that ends up being funny later or hints at something that ends up happening, but it's not a neat sort of symbolism. Would be cool if I used it better.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

The most recent one, usually! I'm so honored when people read things I write and comment. I'd probably write them anyway, but comments feel like I'm writing something that matters.

Someone once wrote almost an essay about my character motivations, and that was really fun to read.

@aleksandrachaev has a real knack with comments. <3.

Comments make me feel loved and connected. That's fun.

(the asks are here)

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

F, G, H????

F- (funnily enough considering G's question, though this was the first letter, it's the last one I'm answering because I had a crisis about it.) so these asks are really bringing it to my attention that I am very hard on myself lmfao. I haven't expressed pride so much as a steadfast decision. Mostly the pivotal dialogue scenes I write make me overthink and I ask advice for polishing it, so I can never claim to be particularly proud so much as relieved. Though, after thinking really really hard, I have two dialogue scenes that I'm very proud of the result for. I'll just put one here, but if you want the other feel free to ask for F again <3

From The Boys Back Home:

“Of course I believe you,” Rody whispered, his voice low and shaky. His voice broke, and with it, so did Izuku’s heart. “You put absolutely everything you’ve got into everything you do. I’m the lucky one here.” He squeezed Izuku’s forearms as he closed his eyes, leaving more rebellious tears to slide down and curve around Izuku’s thumbs. “I’m just scared, Izuku. I wanna be enough for you. I want you to have everything you want, I want you to be happy. I wanna give you reasons to stay in this mess. I….” Rody sighed, his whole posture slouching slightly. He opened his eyes, stormy gray gaze settling gently on Izuku. “I love you so much, Izuku….” 

The words pulled all the breath from Izuku’s lungs. Distantly, he could hear the panicked chirping from the cage, and somewhere was a drum beating a frantic, thunderous rhythm. But Izuku’s world had narrowed down to the beautiful, tragic expression on Rody’s face. Victory and defeat danced on his features, a new tranquility in his smile and his eyes, but his grip on Izuku was vicious, the tension in his body turning him rigid. 

I chose this one because when I started this fic, I think I also expected to have Izuku be the first to say I love you. And as someone who resonates with Rody regarding being the eldest, carrying the responsibility of raising them, and just kind of being on his own for so long without someone to depend on who won't just disappear, I think that it spoke volumes for him to be the first to say I love you. And I think this is the softest, kindest, calmest I love you I've ever written. I always try to make "I love you" unique in every ship and every fic, but this one came very naturally as I was writing. I felt that it didn't have to be this desperate thing or frantic declaration. It didn't have to be shouted or said in panic in the middle of an argument. Everything Rody says up to that point is vulnerable and it all accumulates to that soft, accepting, undeniable little "I love you so much." And I'd like to think that after reading it, when you go back and reread, you can pick up on all those moments where Rody feels that love or acts on it. And I love that it surprises and excites Izuku all the same.

G- I normally write from start to finish just because I don't want to have something in one scene and then completely have to change it because of something I write in an earlier scene that I wrote after if that makes sense. But if I'm so anxious to get one particular scene written out that it's making me rush or making me get stuck earlier, then I put brackets and write the scene im dying to do first then go back and connect wherever i stopped and the scene i was looking forward to (I actually did this with The Boys Back Home!)

H- Oh gosh oh gosh, that's hard!!! I have no idea how I'd describe my own writing, and I'd actually love to know how others would describe it skdjfaks ummm I guess. My style is definitely emotion driven and typically full of yearning for that sense of belonging in some way.

[fenmere]

#i feel fairly confident its your name#but why is it your name? hmm

Story time!

TLDR: We brainstormed for names and I liked it.

When we were nine years old we saw The Flight of Dragons, and during that movie realized that we were, in fact, dragons. Or, at least, the germ of that realization was planted, and it slowly spread throughout our system. And shortly after that, we decided that we needed an imaginary friend, who we named Spitfire.

We named them Spitfire because the lead dragon character of the Flight of Dragons was named Gorebash, and that seemed like a good dragon naming convention. We liked it quite a lot, and Spitfire was in our head already for some reason (probably due to our earlier special interest in airplanes.

So, then, many years passed, and we insisted and persisted that we were "a" dragon, and our mom made us a dragon costume that we wore all the time when we were at home. And that's sort of a side track but not really.

We grew out of the costume around 12 years old, and settled back into pretending to be a human, and paid less and less attention to Spitfire, but always loved them and were happy they'd been part of our life. (What we didn't know was that Spitfire was our holder of our special interest in aerodynamics and spaceflight, and would front whenever we were focusing on those pursuits).

Later, in middle school, we vowed that we would one day write novels, because novels were basically getting us through life. Particularly epic fantasy and science fiction novels.

And then, somewhere in high school we learned that Tolkein didn't write his series of books until late in his life, but he'd been working on his world building since he was twelve or something. Whether that's true or not, it inspired us. It let us know that we could work on our novels slowly, and do little story snippits and other projects to help build the notes and world we needed to write a novel (this worked very well, BTW).

And then, after high school, we fell into the company of poets, and started writing and reading poetry at a local poetry night, and that's when I started coming forward. Because, it turns out that I'm the poet of our system. But we still didn't know we were plural and didn't sense this. We just came to realize it in retrospect.

Then, a year or so after high school, we decided to start working on the characters for our future novel, and we wanted to write about dragons for some reason. So we needed to come up with a cast of dragons.

And we wanted to write in first person, and have the narrator be one of the characters, a dragon, and we decided for some reason that that narrator would be the Poet of the Dragons. Probably because we were writing a lot of poetry and most of us were excited by that idea.

So, then we needed a name for that character (me), and started brainstorming.

We made lists of single and double syllable words that seemed draconic in some way and started putting them together to create names.

When the name Fenmere got written down, it clicked. I pointed at it and said, out loud, "That's me. I'm Fenmere. Fenmere, the Worm, of the Dragon People." And we all felt a lot of euphoria. And in that moment, I got a glimpse of my place in our system, and what and who I was tied to. I saw a huge vortex or maelstrom that represented our passage through time and all of our system swirling around me, and I saw the thread of my identity trailing down into it all the way back to near our birth.

And, after Spitfire, the was the first huge clue that we were plural. That and how we just resonated with the words "Dragon People" and got a glimpse of our masses extending off into the horizon. But we couldn't really admit it until fairly recently.

And that's how I got my name.

in the tags

say what you think prev's url means

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

Saving Edith

I know that nobody really reads my silly little blog, but I wanted to share one of my favorite short stories that I've ever written. I wrote this one for my writing class in the Spring, and it was so well received. I actually got out of class and cried because everyone only had really kind words to say about it. This sex shop aspect of the story, as well as the idea of being a highly traumatized individual going into one with someone who understands and is willing to meet you where you are, is something that happened to me personally. Almost everything Kennedy does is exactly what I did, just with my own childhood memories instead of hers.

"Kennedy, you were the one who suggested we come to Pleasure World in the first place. Don't tell me you want to back out now!"

The Pepto Bismol colored building erected right in the heart of downtown Waylon, Georgia was a hard one to miss. Its bright architecture and neon arrows directing incoming travelers toward it made it next to impossible not to draw your attention. I passed it daily on my way to my college cheer practice, rarely daring to even so much as look in that direction. But as Lily and I drove past that afternoon, I had been on a shopping-induced high. We were coming back from a date in Atlanta, our backseat full of Squishmallows found at a small shop north of Ponce City Market. We found all the rare ones we never saw before in other stores and went a little crazy purchasing them all. Home was just a few blocks away when I realized where we were and found myself uncharacteristically looking in that direction. At Pleasure World, one of the several adult novelty shops in the area. And then hearing myself say, "What if we went in there?"

Standing in front of the building now, I regretted it. What the hell was I thinking? I can't go in there. Over the door, there was a neon OPEN sign with the blue and pink outline of a half naked girl perched over the top, one leg on top of the sign and the other leaning down over the O. My stomach churned as Lily stepped in front of me, disrupting my gaze. "Ken?" She waved her hand in front of me. "Kennedy...you still there?"

"I know," I mumbled, answering her original question, "But that was before I realized that I'd actually have to go in...and browse...where people can...you know...see me?"

"Did you think we were driving here to stand in the parking lot?" She joked. I smiled back weakly. "Let's just go home." I suggested, "And watch Studio Ghibli films while we find somewhere to put all our new squishmallow children." Lily raised her eyebrows as if to ask, Is that really what you want to do?

My thoughts wandered back and forth between going inside and going back to the car. I knew Lily didn't actually care whether we went in or not, but I still felt childish for being so reluctant. And to be honest, I was curious about what might be inside. What in the world am I so freaked out for? It's just a sex shop.

"Come on," I said, grabbing her hand. I furrowed my eyebrows, squared my shoulders and marched inside. There was electricity running through my body as I entered and began to process my surroundings. In seconds, all of the makeshift bravery I had when I barreled into the store disintegrated. My eyes darted around the massive store, unsure of where exactly to look. On one wall, there was a gigantic poster of a scantily clad woman lying against a couch, one hand tucked tantilizingly beneath the lacy waistband of her underwear and the other pressed lightly to her chest. She stared over the tallest shelves at me, her red lips open wide in laughter, as if she could tell it was completely out of my element. Beneath her, there was a wall lined with collars, leashes and paddles. I shifted my gaze toward another corner, where there was cheap lingerie in a variety of colors. Bras with the padding cut out hung in one spot, underwear that was all straps and no fabric below the bras, and on counters beside them, garters, harnesses, chains and tails.

Actual tails.

"Excuse us," Lily apologized, pulling me aside as an older gentleman entered the store in worn levis and a cowboy hat. His arm was draped around the waist of a bottle-blonde with lipstick on her teeth and webs around the corners of her eyes. "Kennedy, it's just a sex shop. There is nothing to be afraid of." Lily moved her hands up to my cheek, cupping it with both hands and looking me in the eyes. "It's not like the pussy monster is gonna jump out and arrest you for daring to step foot in here." I cracked a smile despite my anxiety. "Shut up."

Lily's right, I decided, It's just a sex shop. There's nothing to be afraid of. I walked toward the lingerie section and began to aimlessly leaf through it. "Can you imagine your mother seeing this place?" Lily asked, studying a lime green bra. Laughter sputtered out of me at the thought of my southern Baptist mother even so much asdriving past a sex shop, let alone entering one. "Can you imagine what she'd do if she saw me here?" I replied, wheezing. "She'd have a panic attack." Lily laughed as she put the bra back, moving hangers aside loudly.

Briefly, a memory flashed through my mind. A memory of the summer I turned thirteen.

It started out like any other sleepover.

We were surrounded by popcorn and a stack of teen movie DVDs. Sophie sat in front of me on my bedroom floor as the TV blared beside us, holding her hand out. "I bet mine are bigger than yours," She declared. I rolled my eyes, "Sophie, they're the same size." She shook her head, sure of herself. "Prove me wrong then," She said, holding up both hands in defense of herself. I touched my hand to hers, allowing myself to fall for her trap.

She wove her fingers through mine, pulling me into a playful kiss. When I pulled my hand away, focusing more on her lips than proving my point, Sophie cupped my face, pressing into me gently. Butterflies cha-cha slid through my stomach as I melted into her, letting her guide my lips where they needed to be.

The TV and the static going through my mind were so loud that I hardly noticed my mother standing there in the door until the light switched on. "What on earth are you doing?" She shouted at the top of her lungs. "Why are you touching my daughter like that? Get away from her!" Sophie and I flew apart like shrapnel, but it was too late. The damage was already done.

I shook that memory away, not ready to go back to that summer. Why should I still harp on memories of my parents when they hadn't even bothered to ask how I was doing in over two years? It's not like they ever think about me.

I followed Lily to the wall with the collars and leashes. But there was a lump in my throat now. I swallowed it down, trying not to let her catch me in the middle of memory lane. "What are these for?" I reached out to touch one, but pulled back short of actually doing so. "Why would you need collars for...sex..." I whispered, glancing over my shoulder anxiously.

"Some people are into that."

"Are you?"

A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "Who knows? I might be." She teased. She pulled me toward the middle of the store, where there was a whole line of penis shaped candy. I scrunched up my nose, gingerly lifting an extra large lollipop with two fingers. "Come on," I laughed nervously, "Really? What is this? Middle School?"

"What?" Lily asked, "Would you prefer these?" She lifted up gummy candies shaped like light-skinned breasts. I pushed her hand back down, biting back laughter. "Lily!"

"Or these? To remind you of me?" This time she held up dark-skinned candies. I cackled, snatching the candies out of her hand and throwing them at her. "Get out. Right now." It was always hard to feel anxious with Lily around. She was funny, and she always seemed to know exactly when I needed to get out of my head. But I knew I had to be careful getting into my feelings around her, or she might start insisting we leave. Lily was protective like that, and sometimes, she had the tendency to want to fight every battle for me. Even when sometimes, I really needed to fight them myself. "Ooh," She gasped, running toward a backlit case full of shiny plug shaped items. I don't even want to know what those are, I laughed, partially broken out of my thoughts.

But as I rounded the table of penis and breast candies, my mind wandered again.

Mom and Dad had been angry the first time, sure. But they didn't immediately blame me. Sophie was a tomboy, and so the blame for tarnishing me landed squarely on her shoulders. How could their perfect, church-loving little girl ever choose to do something like that on her own? No, she had to be coerced somehow. I wasn't brave enough to admit that I had let her kiss me. Or that it hadn't been the first time.

"I don't know if they're going to let me see you again," I held tightly to the chains that held up my swing. "They were so mad at me last time. It was next to impossible to even get here tonight." Sophie was quiet. Her clothes were different now. Girlier. "Why aren't you speaking?" I asked. "And why are you wearing that? I've never seen you wear a dress in my life."

"My mom and Dad thought I should wear it today," She replied. "I didn't really have much of a choice." It was dark out as we swung back and forth in silence. The stars weren't out, but the moon seemed brighter than it usually was. Maybe it was the fact that God knew it would be our last night together. Or maybe it was the broken streetlights making the whole street darker. I could never decide.

Sophie took off her sweater. It was her favorite one. "Take it," She said. "In case we don't see each other for a while."

"But it's–"

"Just take it, Kennedy! Please."

I remembered stuffing the sweater into my bag just as Dad shined a flashlight onto us, thinking that when things cooled down in a few months, I'd give it back to her the next time I could sneak out. I thought back to our last kiss, and how Sophie had held me a little tighter than she usually did. How she had kissed me a little longer. I wondered as I stared listlessly at a pair of edible panties if she had known then that she wasn't going to stick around much longer. If she knew I would never get a chance to give her sweater back to her.

Mom held her hand out to me in our living room that night, staring at me expectantly. "No," I told her, "I won't give it to you." Mom grabs my arm and twists the shiny gold ring on my finger until it slides right off. "You don't deserve this ring anymore," She said, "We gave it to you to remind you that you are supposed to be saving yourself, and here you are running around in the dark, kissing girls and—" Dad put his arms around her shoulders, staring at me with tears standing in his eyes. "How long has this gone on between you and Sophia? Did all of the talks we had, all the youth group meetings, all of the purity balls I took you and your sister to...did they mean absolutely nothing to you? Not only did you violate our trust by choosing to be with a..." He pinches the skin between his eyebrows, "but you broke your promise to save yourself! Do you not care about that at all?" He was shouting now, "We worked so hard to make you care, and you just throw it all in our faces! How could you be so ungrateful?"

"Hey, Kennedy," Lily said, turning away from one of the cashiers. "You want to go to the back of the store?"

My stomach felt as though there were a pack of triple A batteries rotting inside of it. How could they make me feel so guilty for just a kiss? They acted like I had gone out and started selling myself for money to the first person on the street. I stared forward, Is that why I'm so afraid of confronting places like these? Because they taught me to be? I shook my head, knowing that it wasn't.

"Kennedy?" Lily said again, and I could hear the worry beginning to creep into her voice. "Sure," I replied, forcing myself to brighten, "That sounds fun!" It had been nearly thirty minutes since we had first come into the store. Nothing can surprise me anymore, I decided. The cashier, who I could now see had a name tag that read Chrissy, gave me a friendly smile and led us to the very back of the store where there was a satin black curtain and another neon sign that read SUCK IT! I had thought this back corner area was where the bathrooms were, but as Chrissy moved the satin curtain aside, I could see that I was very, very wrong.

My eyes settled on a giant, realistic doll beside several rows of uncensored porno DVDs directly across from me. She was naked from top to bottom with her legs wide open and her O-shaped mouth stuffed with a gag ball. My eyes landed on her uncovered plastic breasts. Over her head was a sign that read: BUSTY EDITH DICKUMS COULD BE YOURS TODAY! I'm going to be sick. My hands flew up to my face as I turned away, laughing and running in the other direction. "I lied, I lied, I lied. I am so not ready for this." Lily stopped me before I could reach the front door. Tears streaming down my face, I refused to open my eyes. I wasn't laughing anymore. "Lily, this is wrong. I shouldn't be here. This is weird and wrong...I want to go home."

"Can I tell you the truth?" She asked.

"No. But you can drive me home."

"When my ex first brought me into a place like this," She began, "I cried too." I cracked open an eye, and then the other. "No, you didn't."

"Yeah," She replied flatly, "I did."

"You cried? As in...like where people could see you?"

"I was really nervous, Kennedy. It's overwhelming, especially when you grow up in a family that never, ever talks about this stuff. Did you forget that my dad still thinks I'm a virgin? I have an apartment, a job, and bills and he would still flip his shit if he found out I've had sex before."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm freaking out like this. This should be fun and I'm totally ruining it." I turned toward the backlit plug shelf, which I could see now by the sign beside it was meant for places I had never considered people putting things in. I turned away quickly, trying to reorient myself. Am I really crying right now? In a sex shop? Next to butt plugs? "Nah," Lily said, looping her arm through mine. "You're not ruining anything."

It was a comfort to know that Lily wasn't judging me. Knowing that she had felt the same discomfort before getting to the level of casualness she was at now lifted something heavy from my shoulders. "Do you still want to leave? Just say the word and we'll go if that's what you really want to do." She told me.

"No. I've made it this far, haven't I? I'm not leaving until I've made some kind of purchase."

When we entered through the satin curtain again, Chrissy was standing behind the glass counter, unbothered by my outburst. She had headphones in as she reorganized vibrator boxes on the shelves, bumping her head to whatever music was blasting into her ears. Chrissy looked up as we approached, taking her headphones out. "Y'all have any questions?" She asked. Lily motioned toward some of the vibrators stacked on the counter, "How much are these?"

"Which one are y'all thinking about?" Chrissy asked. "We've got the Enthraller. It's our most popular one. $199. All the stops."

"That's..." I blurted out, "a little out of our price range."

"That's the price point for most of our products on this wall. $199 and up. But we do have a more budget friendly area on that wall, that wall, and that wall. Would you like any help selecting the perfect fit?" Before Lily could open her mouth, I shook my head. "We'll be okay," I smiled politely, "Thank you." I wasn't sure I could take being bombarded with facts about sex toys while I was still struggling to keep myself grounded.

"No problem. Let me know if y'all need anything."

I broke away from Lily to look at the porno collection more closely, carefully avoiding making eye contact with the doll beside me. The sheer number of genres sent blood rushing to my cheeks. As I picked up a DVD with a teacher in the shortest skirt I've ever seen, I tried to focus on reading the description on the back. But the letters only swam in front of me.

"But why can't I stay long enough to go to her funeral?" I asked, crying. "She was my best friend! Why can't I go?" Dad tightened his grip on the steering wheel as Mom rubbed his shoulder. "And why won't you tell me where I'm going? Mom? Can someone please just tell me what is going on?" We drove beneath the cover of hundreds of trees somewhere in rural Georgia, their leaves hanging down low enough for me to touch when I rolled the window down. It was deeper south than I had ever been, and for nearly an hour, I counted churches as we passed them. So far, I had counted 46 churches."I think it's best that you don't attend Sophia's funeral." Dad told me, stiffly. "For everyone."

"For you," I retorted quietly. The nerve they had to deny me my last chance to see her before she was buried when they knew that outing her to her parents would ruin her life. Mom whipped around, her face purple with rage at my backtalk. "We trusted you, Kennedy, and you took advantage of that trust. Do you understand that? Your father and I have worked hard to raise you to be Christ-like in everything that you do and clearly, we failed. So, if we can't get you to listen, we'll take you someplace that will make you listen."

Anger swelled up inside of me as I moved along the collection toward another spot. There were dozens of items there that had me tilting my head, holding them out in front of me as I tried to figure out what in the hell they could possibly be used for. I pushed a strappy looking harness back onto a random shelf and stood there, eyes closed. I could smell Lily's perfume, and a sense of anger came over me at the realization that she had stood somewhere in this row, looking at weird strappy harnesses while I couldn't even look directly at the pornos. "Ken! There you are," Lily said, coming down the aisle. I had my arms crossed over my chest, but as she approached me, carrying enough vibrators that her arms were overflowing, my anger dissipated. It's not her that I'm mad at.

It's me.

"Boy, is this just like candyland for you or something?" I laughed. She set some of the items down on a shelf, pulling me toward them. "I found a few things I think you might like. I mean, you said you wanted to buy something, right?"

"Well, yeah..."

"I figured if we pick something fast," She said, "We can just leave and go home or something." I watched as Lily organized the items on the shelf, explaining the pros and cons of each item. She knew this was harder for me than I would let on, and here she was trying to make it a little easier. How could I even think I was upset with her? "Lily," I said, "Lily, can you stop for a second?"

She looked at me reluctantly, pulling her attention away from the toys. There weren't a lot of things that could have opened the floodgates behind my eyes, but the worried look on her face did. I faced forward, pulling my hoodie up to hide my tears. How many times are these poor employees going to see me cry in this fucking store? This has to be so awkward for them.

Lily wrapped her arms around me in a hug. "Why is this so hard?" I asked. "Why is everything with sex so hard for me and so easy for you?"

"Because you've been through things I haven't, babe." She reminded me. "You know that."

"It doesn't bother you? That I can't...do anything? Or just enjoy places like this?"

"Not really. That's just a part of who you are. I'm not going to rush you to do things before you're ready."

When we arrived at Pineview Church Camp, it was just a small white church in the middle of the woods. There were other kids there, but I didn't pay them any mind. "We'll see you at the end of the summer," Dad said, patting my shoulder. "Be good, kiddo. Do as you're told." I look at Mom just as her door slammed shut. "Please don't leave me here," I begged, "I want to go home." Dad set my suitcase down in front of me, ignoring my pleas. I waited for something. For a hug. A kiss. A real goodbye. But Dad just rounded the car and climbed in, silent as the dead.

My head began to hurt as I thought about my time at Pineview.

About the things that had happened.

I walked toward the doll that I had seen when I walked in, and stood there. Staring at her. Thinking. Remembering what I had been trying so hard to forget.

"You have demons inside you." One of the camp Pastors had told me, rounding the chair I sat in just in front of his big oaken desk. "And I need you to know that they can be fixed. There is a path to salvation even for the wretched like you." Outside, I could hear a guitar playing. It was the time of day where everyone sat in a circle and confessed their sins, each of us scratching each other to admit something the other hadn't, climbing our way toward the light that was supposed to save us. The youth pastors would play us songs on guitars and we'd all hear every single word, taking them like they were gospel. I could hear the voices of every resident at Pineview, singing outside as Pastor James spoke. Closing my eyes, I breathed in the words to one of my favorite worship songs. This time of day was the only time of day I felt like I was home,when the music would play and I didn't have to think anymore.

As I went down in the river to pray

Studying about that good old way

And who shall wear the starry crown

Good lord, show me the way

Pastor James put his hand on my shoulder, looking down at me. I flinched, opening my eyes swiftly. "I have seen you trying harder than everyone else here," He told me, kneeling down to my level. "But the summer is nearly over, and you haven't proven to me or any of the other counselors that you have grown and atoned for your previous sins. As you know, your parents will be informed of this."

I shot straight up in alarm, the music seeming further and further away from me now. "What do I have to do?" I asked, desperately. "Do I need to attend more services? Should I---"

"No." He replied, moving his hand further up my thigh. "No. You need a different kind of help, Kennedy."

Outside, they were finishing up the song. I listened, eyes closed, hoping to God that maybe for once he'd hear my prayer.

O' Sinners let's go down, let's go down,

Come on down.

Down in the river to pray.

*

Lily sat in the driver's seat beside me as I sobbed openly in the car. Busty Edith Dickumz from the store sat between us on the bench seat of the truck, staring wide eyed at the blue sky as if she were looking at Jesus Christ himself and seeing the light. "I shouldn't have made you go in." Lily said, glancing at Edith awkwardly. "You were right. We should have just gone home."

"No, it was my idea. You asked me if I really wanted to go home and I made the choice to stay."

I stared at myself in the side mirror, breathing like my lungs were full of cotton. "I need to accept what happened to me when I was younger, Lily." I told her. "I have to move on or I'll be stuck like—well, like she was!" More tears. Lily looked at Edith, "Is that why you bought this thing? The same reason why you buy the saddest fucking stuffed animals I've ever seen every time we go to Goodwill? To save her or something?"

"Well, what did you want me to do?" I cried. "Leave her there?!"

"She's a doll, Kennedy. She came with an air pump."

"I just felt so fucking bad for her...sitting there with all her parts out for the world to see."

"Why? Because she reminded you of yourself?" Lily guessed. I scoffed, knowing how ridiculous the fact that she was probably right would sound to anyone else. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"You were a child," Lily said, "You were powerless and all the people who should have been there for you failed you. They might as well have left you sitting there with all your parts out, for all the good they did. So, maybe saving this...inflatable hunk of plastic...was sort of like saving yourself, you know?" Before I could respond to this, Lily took off her sweater. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Helping you," She replied, pulling the sweater over the doll's head. Our laughter shook the car like coins in a money jar as she struggled to pull the arms through the sleeves. "There," She grunted, "We've officially saved Busty Edith Dickumz here from a life of endless servitude." Edith sat between us, her O-shaped mouth and wide eyes suddenly a bit perkier. "Why does she actually look happier?" Lily asked, tilting her head to look at her. I studied Edith too, but I was thinking about something else. Something a little more important.

"You know, I think maybe you're wrong about me saving her." I said. Lily tore her eyes away from Edith, "How so?"

"I don't know. It sounds funny now that I'm saying it out loud. But I...sorta think that maybe she saved me."

[lesbianshera]

One of my biggest dreams that only a handful of people have ever heard about is the Homelessness Transitional Program I want to start one day, especially here in Chicago.

Basically, it would be a home where people can register to move in and work at. Ideally it would be a large building downtown that is easily accessible to people who would have to walk or take the CTA. I would love to house as many people as I could, the main focus would be with Youths but nobody would be “too old” to join. Many programs here end at 25 years of age. 

Playing with some numbers, lets say I could one day afford a building downtown that has 50 floors to it. The top 30 would be the living quarters, the highest 10 would be for youths. Then 10 would be for families. 5 for the elderly. And 5 for the in between ages. 

Age Ranges would be:

Youths: Anybody 25 and under. Families: Any age, 2 or more people arriving together. In between: 26 - 55 Elderly: 56+

The floors would be set up as so for youths: 

5 floors for exclusively girls (taking into consideration girls running from abusive hetero relationships, girls with a fear of men due to trafficking, assault, abusive parents, etc. Also taking into consideration trans girls who want to surround themselves with a more feminine environment.)

5 floors would be co-ed.

All 10 floors would have “All Gender Restrooms/Locker rooms” as most LGBTQ youth centers here have. The idea is very accepting and gives easier access to many trans and non-binary youths. Also available would be private bathrooms with showers for anybody who isn’t comfortable being the restroom or shower near/with others around the way many locker rooms are set up. 

All floors are set up kind of like dorms, 4 people to a room, 2 sets of bunk beds in each room, 4 wardrobes and 4 desks in each. All rooms are handicap accessible of course and people can request the bottom bunks if needed. Ages would of course be taken into consideration, all roommates would be within 1-2 years of each other. Especially with the younger kids. 

The floors for families would be set up like:

Like apartments. They would have 1-3 bedrooms. Families with only 2 people (whether it’s a couple, a single parent and child or another situation) would get 1 bedrooms only. The bedrooms would be adjusted to have one bed or two beds upon request. Families with 3-5 people (whether it’s 2 parents with 1-3 kids or a single parent with 1-4 kids or another situation) would be allowed a 2 bedroom. Each room could be adjusted in the number of beds, kids would be allowed only a twin sized bed. Families with 6+ people would be allowed 3 bedroom apartments, number of beds would be adjusted as needed. The one and two bedroom apartments would have 1 bathroom and the 3 bedroom apartments would have 2 bathrooms. Each floor would also have a public use restroom/locker room on each floor. 

The floors for the elderly would be set up like:

Apartments as well, all would be 1 bedrooms. A connected restroom with shower for every 2 apartments. 

The floors for the in between ages would be set up like:

Pretty much like the youth rooms, with shared living spaces, the 5 floors for 26-55 year olds would be the 5 just before the youth spaces. Whenever the number of youths is lower, we would allow for more “older” people to use their floors, ages and gender would still be factored in. All youths would still be kept together, nobody over the age of 26 would be allowed to room with anybody 25 and under. A whole floor from the youths could be converted to an adult level if needed. Any runaway youths, orphans or kids kicked out of their homes that are 18 or younger would only be allowed to room with other youths 18 and under. 

The bottom 20 floors would be where most activities then occur. The first floor would be our lobby with a few offices for initial interviews. 

The second floor would be the public hanging space with access to computers for job searches, apartment searches or fun if wanted. There would also be a few rooms with tv’s and coaches for bonding and getting to know others within the program. A small library as well in one room, an art room for anything creative and a board game room. This level would be accessible to not only those living in the building but also for youth who need a place to go and hang out. Those not living within the building however would have to be 25 and under, still need to do an intake and would have a curfew of 7:30pm. The open hours however would be from 10am to 7:30pm, Monday - Fridays. Saturday and Sundays it would only be open to those living in the building. 

The third and fourth floor would each have a large kitchen and large cafeteria, each floor would also have smaller dining areas where anybody who requires a quieter setting would be allowed to go. 

The fifth floor would be our clinic where all initial health intakes are taken to make sure everybody coming in is vaccinated and in good health. Any medications that are needed would be offered as well, insulin, hormones, antibiotics, etc.

The sixth floor would be our mental health rooms. Where we would have offices for around 10 licensed therapists, 4 of whom would/should have a specialty in youth care. We would also have 10 suites for sessions on this floor and a break room for the staff on that floor. 

The seventh floor would be where our case managers work from, hoping for at minimum 20 case workers, these would be the people who help with finding jobs, finding affordable apartments, figuring out where your primary health care provider and dentist will be once you leave the program, etc. This floor would also have a break room for the staff on that level.

The eighth, ninth and tenth floor would all have classrooms where we would teach basic skills such as budgeting, cooking, cleaning, sewing, math, and more. The rooms could also be requested by anybody in the program who wishes to teach something. 

The eleventh floor would be our public laundry room where people could be and do their laundry for free, detergent and such would be given as well. 

The twelfth floor would be our closed laundry room where we would wash all sheets, towels, etc between people staying in rooms. As soon as somebody is moved out their sheets and towels would all be replaced and cleaned etc. 

The thirteenth floor would be where all cleaning supplies would be kept for the building. We would have 50 carts set up as well to be taken and used on each floor each morning. Our large dumpsters as well to be taken around the floors to collect all trash. 

The fourteenth floor would be theater sort of set up with multiple purposes. One of which being for talent shows (primarily for fun and done every 4 months to allow for happy moments with all the staff and program members and open to the public with donation boxes set up.), open to be rented as well by the public for funding purposes. 

The fifteenth floor would be where fundraising gala’s would be held, so it’d be like a large ballroom with a stage, large windows with a view (rich people who donate like the view).

The sixteenth floor would be our HR since the building would be “run” by those within the program. (Expanded on lower in this post)

The seventeenth - nineteenth floors would be closed private spaces for those living within the building. These floors would have mini kitchens with snacks, living room set ups, computers, a gym for physical activities, jogging, volleyball, etc, not accessible to the public. 

Then twenty+ would be the living spaces.

The rooftop would also be used. It would be fenced off for safety reasons but it would have a garden, a few bonfire set ups, it would be a nice little space for people to just go up and get some sun. 

We would have 6 elevators for those within the program, all requiring key/badge access. All people accepted into the program would receive a badge with their photo and name on it, that key would be programmed to give them access to their bedroom and all floors allowed to them. 

We would also have 3 elevators for public use that would only stop on the first, second, third, and fourth floor during regular hours. During event nights they would also stop on the fourteenth and/or fifteenth floor. There would also be one express elevator that stops only on the first, fourteenth and fifteenth floors. That one only accessibly during event nights. 

As I mentioned earlier, the building would be run by those within the program, to elaborate, anybody 16 years or older would be required to have a job within the building. They could help in the kitchen with food prep, serving, dishes, etc. Another job would be housekeeping, where they’re assigned a floor and would have to go around and clean, collect trash, etc. Another job would be programming, where they would run groups such as art, supervise movie nights, give mini lessons, etc. Another job would be those who help in the closed laundry rooms. Another would be to provide child care for those who are staying there with children and who have to go to job interviews, go to their new jobs, apartment viewings, etc. All jobs within the building would pay $15/hour, would pay weekly and have a minimum requirement of 12 hours a week and a maximum of 20 hours a week so as to not prevent the people within the building from working jobs outside of the building. This would also provide those within the program a way to buy work clothes and shoes and start a savings account to move into their own place. Bus passes would be provided as well. 

People could stay within the program anywhere from a few days to four months maximum. By four months you should have an apartment and job set up, exceptions can be made however. 

All staff would be paid relatively well, anywhere from $22/hour+ depending on their role and level of experience. Holiday pay, overtime, vacation and insurance would all be given. Staff would be allowed to partake in special events, would be allowed to eat dinner with the programmers, etc. I would 100% want to make sure they all feel and know how appreciated they are. We would also accept interns and volunteers in the building. 

How would this get funded? It sounds expensive? I know. It’s a dream, but something that any billionaire, maybe even a millionaire could accomplish. I would be living within the building myself so as to make sure everything is running smoothly at all times. I would probably invest in real estate and buy several apartment buildings throughout the city and make sure all rent is affordable. The spaces would primarily be rented out to those within the program once they’ve secured jobs. Those buildings would then be paying for themselves and any income from the rent that’s left over would be put towards the primary building itself. There would of course be several events throughout the year for rich people to attend and donate. I would probably try to strike up investment deals with several companies as well. Basically, they would invest/donate/fund by providing either money, food, clothes, shoes, supplies, etc and in return they would be provided with resumes of those within the program. For example a retail store provides us with maybe 200k a year, in return they get access to all the resumes and could higher anybody in the program. Maybe a phone company gives us a money donation and even donates cell phones for those who need them, then they set up interviews with anybody in the program. Maybe a grocery store provides us with money, food and hygiene supplies, they then have access to resumes. Maybe an airline donates money and funds special events, etc. It would be a win-win situation for big company donors that way, it would also give them a good reputation with the public and would more than likely bring in more business. We would also apply for government grants, which from how big of a program it is and how many it would help, we would probably receive a lot of government funding.

What would the rich people donating receive? Their name ingrained on the “Wall of Heroes” that would span throughout the gala room. And if we were ever to run out of space in there then it would be expanded to the theater level.

I realize my idea probably sounds so expensive and so out of reach but I’ve always had big dreams and this is one that I want to one day accomplish. Even if I’m 60 by the time I can start something like this up I’m gonna try. Honestly I just want to do whatever I can to end homelessness, every day I see so many people out on the streets. I work at 7am most days so I’m on the train by 6am to get there on time and I see people sleeping on the train, sleeping at stations, on the streets out in the cold and it breaks my heart. I see people begging for left overs outside of restaurants, I see people struggling just to make it one more day and I just don’t understand how so many rich people can turn a blind eye to that. How can people have hundreds of millions of dollars and not do a damn thing about it. I just don’t understand how people can earn anywhere from 10 million+ a year and just hoard it all or spend it so selfishly. What kind of family of 4 needs a 25 bedroom home with a home theater and indoor swimming pool? 

I might be naive and I might dream too big but I swear, I will get something like this started one day in all big cities within the United States. I’ll advocate for affordable housing, for universal healthcare, for a living wage, not just a survival wage. I’ll do everything in my power to make this world better, I’ll make my voice heard about the environment, about our wildlife, about our humanity. I’ll do what I can in the time that I can.

[maloskiworld]

💌 Petal - Charles Leclerc

MASTERLIST (requests are open!)

Summary : you were planning to spend your Valentine's day alone with a bottle of wine, but someone special decided it in another way.

(ideas from this prompt list "rose petals")

Warnings : a mention of alcohol, an extra extra sweet Charles omg

Words count : +2.5K

A/N : Hi ! I've written some valentine's special and here's the first one with a very cute Charles 💌

PS : English isn’t my first language, so sorry if there’s any mistakes ! And it's not proofread ❤️

not my gif, credits to the owner !

🌻🌻🌻

"Doing anything special tonight, Y/N ?", Carlos asked, still sitting on the couch where the C2 boys were filming one of your challenges.

You rolled your eyes. He knew you didn't have anyone in your life. Well, he knew your heart had someone special hiding in there.

The whole team left for lunch but you and the two drivers stayed for a little while inside the studio, a habit you caught a long time ago.

"Nope, you ?", you responded with a smirk.

"I planned a cute date for Isabelle. I bought her a shiny bracelet that she saw when we were visiting Rome", the spanish answered. You simply nodded your head. You collapsed on the couch between Carlos and Charles. His licorice perfume went to tickle your nose.

Charles was your special someone. You fell for him on your first day, and your feelings only grew harder with time passing by. He was always so caring and protective towards you. His every moves made your heart fluttered, and you could listen to his french accent all day.

"At first, I wanted to bought one like yours", he said.

You looked at the little golden bracelet wrapped around your wrist. It had a dried petal of a red rose trapped inside a small triangle. Your brother gifted it to you when you got the job at Ferrari, and you never took it off since then. It got you the nickname of Petal inside the team. Even Mattia would call you like that.

"It's a nice jewelry, yeah", you told him.

You noticed Charles was looking in the distance, not paying attention to the conversation you were having with his teammate. You hit his shoulder playfully.

"Hey, earth to Charles", you said.

"Sorry, my mind was somewhere else", he chuckled.

"And you lover boy, any plans for tonight ?", Carlos asked.

Your stomach knotted himself inside you, fearing his answer. You didn't want to know if there was another girl in his life. He didn't belong to you, but you never lost hope that maybe one day he'll be yours.

"Not really", his eyes were still locked on the wall in front of him.

A small sigh of relief left your lips. You went to check on your phone before realizing the device spent the morning in your locker.

"Oh shoot, my phone's in my locker", you screamed a little and got up faster than your shadow.

You ran inside the changing room. You open your locker just to be faced with an enormous bouquet of red roses.

Your eyes widened, you couldn't believe what you were seeing. You stood there, dumbfounded by what was standing in front of you. Shaking, your hand made its way to the little card standing proudly in front of the bouquet. Your mind was racing miles an hour, who could have got you such magnificent flowers ?

A hundred of roses for the most beautiful petal in my garden

Was written on the white card. No name, no signature, just that little phrase that made you burnt from the inside. You couldn't recognize the writing since it was typed on the computer.

You took the flowers and the card, and went back with the boys.

"What's that ?", Carlos asked evident shock in his voice when he saw you hidden before the enormous bouquet.

"I'm wondering the same, it was in my locker", you put the flowers down and went to give Carlos the card. "If that's a clue for you."

"A hundred of roses for the most beautiful petal in my garden. Oh my - someone's in love with you. You have a secret admirer ! That's cute", Carlos said laughing.

"Do you like them ? The flowers, they're nice", Charles asked, eyes fixed on the bouquet.

"I - I mean, yeah. Red roses are my favorite, it's not a secret though. It's just - I don't see who could have done something that nice to me, ", you explained frowning, not really sure if the question was appropriate.

You didn't saw the blush creeping into Charles's cheeks at your comment, nor the way his eyes looked at you with so much admiration. You've been missing his longing looks towards you, his romantic allusions or the way he was touchy with you. You were so sure he was acting like that with everyone. Truth be told, you were the one he'd grip the hips when saying hello or his hugs were warmer and lasted longer when you were the one he was holding.

"Well, that's a mystery we need to solve today", Carlos said. "Any ideas who it could be ?"

"Not even one. And it's not like that lovey-dovey left a clue on who he is", you replied, looking at the card resting in Carlos's hands.

"Fancy it's someone special ?", Charles asked, looking at you directly in the eyes. Your mouth opened to talk but nothing came out, you just gulped and shrugged your shoulders.

Of course, you were hoping it was a certain someone. Yeah, I'm hoping it's you, dumbass.

"Let's go to eat, I'm starving", Carlos proposed, changing the subject and smoothing the growing tension in the room.

You nodded your head, letting the two boys going outside ahead of you.

"It's you, right ?", the spanish driver asked.

"Yes", the other one simply replied.

Lunch was surprisingly quiet. You expected Carlos to ran over a thousand theories but he didn't talk about it again. You found that odd, but stayed inside your head, trying to figure it out. Who could give you that much of attention ?

A name resonated inside you since you saw the flowers, but you refused to believe it. Your heart really wanted to be him, but your mind kept telling you it was impossible. All of the girls he could have, Charles would probably never pick you. You dared to look at him, only to see his green eyes were already staring at you. He smiled at you, and you felt like your chest caught on fire, butterflies erupted all over your stomach. You wanted to loose yourself in his gaze forever.

"Kids, let's get back to work !", one of your co-worker screamed. "Petal, you won't mind starting the filming on your own ? I have a few things to deal with before joining you", he added. You nodded his way, with a soft smile on your lips.

"Shall we go ?", you asked the boys.

Charles opened the door of the cafeteria for you, and walked closely to you on the way back to the studio. Always so caring.

"Alright, let's get back to it !", you shouted in an exciting way.

Challenges with the C2 boys were always a chaotic mess. You needed to film and refilm a lot because they were never listening or doing things the wrong way. Soon, you let them take a break. You didn't saw how Charles eclipsed himself for a short time, or how he came back with an happy smile on his face.

"Okay, we're gonna get back at it. Boys, I need you to focus on me", you told them.

"Always am", Charles said in a charming voice.

Romantic allusion ? For him yes, but you only saw the monegasque driver flirting like he surely did with every other girls.

"Clever, Charles. But I'm serious, I want this to be over real quick", you said.

"Though you didn't have any plans for tonight ? You're not in a rush ?", Carlos asked.

Oh, how could they sometimes be a pain in the ass.

"Oh, I didn't tell you ? I just made plans with my bath and a bottle of wine", you replied back, with a laugh. "C'mon, focus !"

"Bye, boys !", you said happily going back to your changing room.

You couldn't wait to go back home, the day had been tired enough. You took the bouquet with and went to open your locker to get your bag when you saw something in it. It was a little note "Meet me at the roses garden at 7 pm - your lovey-dovey".

The nickname echoed in your head. You said it back when you were with Carlos and Charles. And the more you looked at the note, the more you could see Charles's writing. Was your head seeing things ? Your heart was probably thinking for you, and considering how fast he was beating, it wasn't really a great idea. You shoved the note in your jacket and left the Ferrari's building faster than you ever did.

In your hotel room, you rushed to put the flowers in a vase. They truthfully were beautiful. You were amazed by it. By how a mysterious someone could pay attention to you in such and elegant way. You were scared to attend the rendez-vous, but you also couldn't wait to know who was behind all of this.

You had two hours before the meeting, and suddenly it was like your closet was empty. You stumbled on a dress you wore to a Ferrari's event. It was golden and shinny. Curved you in the best way possible. You remembered that Charles told you that you looked absolutely amazing in it. Still hoping he could be the one, you put it on. You felt like a princess.

Nervous as hell, that's what you were on the walk to the roses garden. It was your favorite place in Maranello. You still lived in Monaco, and never crossed the line to have a pied-à-terre in this italian city. You were playing with your fingers when the garden came in your sight.

You stopped to take a deep breath. Please, don't be a weirdo, you thought to yourself. Please, be Charles.

You entered the public place, just to see a guy from Ferrari standing at the fence. You didn't know him, and actually never talked to him. Your heart felt disappointed but you smiled to him.

"You can go over there, he'll be here in a minute", the guy simply said. Seeing your confused expression, he felt the need to clarify. "He send me to welcome you when he realize he was gonna be late. He didn't want to have you waiting alone. The garden will be just for to two of you tonight. Please, enjoy yourself", he said, while gesturing you to keep moving forward.

You were going mad. Someone made your favorite place private so that you'd enjoy it on your own ?

You stepped closer to the little picnic area to see it fully decorated. A red layer was laying on the ground with a buffet on it. You spot strawberry champagne, your favorite one. Everywhere you laid your eyes on, there were things you loved. Everything was made just for you. You didn't know how someone could know that much about you. Well, you talked a lot at work so that wasn't really a surprise... But how could someone remembered everything ? Every little details about you ? You were stunned. The night was slowly falling, and small lights were illuminating the whole place. It was magical.

Small tears threatened to fall from your eyes, you were so happy. You felt so loved. You didn't know by who, but you could feel how much he loved you.

"Hi", you heard from behind you. You froze, and it was like time stopped with you. You'd recognize this accent in a crowded room. You didn't dare to turn around just yet, fearing your heard was tricking you. You wanted to stay in this fantasy where the actual Charles Leclerc made all of this just for you. Only you.

"I'm so sorry I'm late, but I wanted to change after I got everything ready", he said like he did the most casual thing in the whole world.

You flipped yourself over to meet a beautiful Charles wearing your favorite suit of him.

"That's - oh, your suit, it's -", you tried to tell him.

"Your favorite suit. Yeah", he chuckled. He made quotation marks with his hands. "That suit looks so good on you, Charles. I think it's my favorite one so far", he said, repeating your exact same words from last year Ferrari's gala.

You were shocked. In heaven, but shocked as hell.

"And you're wearing my favorite dress", he said getting closer to you. "Fancy it's someone special, I guess", he replied with a huge smile on his lips.

"How ?", you just asked when Charles got only a few centimeters closer from you.

"How ?", he repeated, visibly confused by the question. He wasn't expecting you to say that. He was prepared for a lot of scenarios (him giving you his heart and you dropping it like it was made of glass, you jumping in his arms from happiness, you not surprised by the fact it was him but still liking it, you running away from him...) but not that. He didn't planned that one little word.

"Yeah... I - I mean, it's... it's just so like me, and I don't know how - how", you weren't able to phrase a complete sentence.

"I guess you can say I'm a good listener. Everytime you said you were liking something, I made mental notes. Roses, picnic, this garden, big romantic gestures... Well, to be really honest, I - I like you. Like a lot, Petal", your nickname rolled on his lips so perfectly it drove you crazy. "And I didn't know how to ask you out, or even if I would ever had the courage to do it and I felt dumb. I felt like you deserved more than me, better than what I could offer you. But I - uh, here I am, shooting my shot, I guess", he ended his little rant.

You couldn't answer, you didn't know what to say. It was like your brain was in freeze mode.

"I just thought that if I did in the most romantic way and all of that stuff, maybe you'd agree to at least go on a date with me. But uh maybe I was wrong", he got scared to see you standing there without saying anything and felt like the most stupid person on earth. He hated himself for ever believing you could like him back. His whole world was being torn, and he was watching his kingdom fall apart and there wasn't anything he could do to stop it. He took a small look at you to see tears in your eyes. That's it, she hates me, he thought.

"I'm sorry, I - I shouldn't have. You - you can go. I'll just - sorry", he said, air stuck in his throat. He was scratching his neck, his eyes flew back on the floor, lightly stepping away from you.

"It's perfect", you told him, voice cracking, sniffing loudly. "I uh I love it, that's... No one ever did something that nice to me", you confessed, still with teary eyes.

Charles felt a weight being relieved from his shoulders, his heart gluing itself back together.

"For what it's worth, I like you too. And yes I - I was hoping it was you", you told him, while drying your cheeks, a huge smile making its way on your face, chuckling a little bit. "I just can't imagine you really did all of that just for me", you said, looking back at the little picnic spot in your favorite garden roses.

"It has always been you, Petal."

Your Valentine's day ended in a way more pleasant way than you could ever imagine.

————————————————————-

🌻 Thanks for reading 🌻

[ajibooks]

I will talk a little about my World of Warcraft OFMD AU, Time to Play B-Sides!

I used to run a casual guild a lot like Stede's, somewhere around 2009. It was not quite as casual as the guild in the fic (we did do 10-man raids), but still very relaxed. We were all primarily achievement hounds for fun content: mount collectors, pet collectors, holiday event fans, and so on. We all had ridiculous titles! And we spent a lot of time chatting in guild chat.

Like Ed in the fic, my main was an orc hunter (f), but I had a lot of other alts too, including a male blood elf paladin. I took a little bit of inspiration for Stede's character from a good friend of mine who played a holy paladin and took his role of protecting others very seriously. I was in my early 30s at the time, and he was about ten years older.

Ed in the fic is not fully a self-insert, but he is to some extent. I do experience loneliness in a similar way to what I portrayed in the fic. I don't have chronic pain, though; I based that aspect of the story on my mom's experiences.

Fang is there because I love him! I did my best to write him as having a life happening mostly off-page; he's a very good friend, but his friendship with Ed is just one part of his life. (I tried to write my OC version of Ed's mom in my teen-romance fic the same way.)

My guild was also queer-positive, of course! A few of the other officers knew each other in real life, a friend group of mostly queer men who lived in California, and we'd all played together for a few years before I started the guild. There was some controversy back then about guilds being allowed to advertise themselves as queer-friendly and I incorporated that into the fic, but I didn't experience it firsthand. We never advertised the guild that way, but we did have that reputation. We also never allowed hateful language in the guild chat, which was challenging at that time. Trade chat in the fic is homophobic, and that is toned way down from my memories of WoW trade chat at that time.

I had a few bad experiences tanking (with an orc warrior alt) as a female toon, for strangers, and when I talked to customer service about it, their responses were similar to what the guildies in the fic complain about regarding how customer service handles homophobic bullying. They told me I was to blame for attracting negative attention. But it was misogyny and not homophobia that was behind all of that.

I deliberately used some more old-fashioned terminology in the fic (such as "gay" as a catch-all term), since it's set in 2008. I realize I've written a few AUs set during my own lifetime which might come across as just using my own style of speech, but I actually have put thought and effort into all that. For this fic, I researched to make sure terms were in usage at that time, such as "fuck-me boots" (yes) and "keysmash" (surprisingly, no!).

I don't know if I romantically ship Room People (Frenchie/Wee John), but I liked it for this fic! In general I like to imagine them as queerplatonic partners, and I'd love it if that became canon someday (it seems possible).

I was extremely nervous about writing the sex scenes, but my Discord pals cheered me on. I do feel what I wrote was in-character for my versions of Ed and Stede.

The epilogue is nearly all telling instead of showing, and I did that intentionally, just wanting to share my ideas about the characters' futures. Still, I might like to write Grandpa Ed in detail sometime, because that's super cute!

I had a fantastic time writing this fic and posting it serially, and I'm so grateful that people enjoyed reading it!

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Trivia Tuesday

Creators: give a “behind the scenes” look at one of your works. This could be things that got removed or changed, the origins of ideas/details, whatever you like!

Fans: share bits of trivia from canon and challenge others to create something based on that trivia - fic, art, or something else! I once made a crossword puzzle :)

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