#i didn't think i spent that much and then I realized why my statement was so fucked lol

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

seeing my credit card statement from London cured me of my desire for the Eras merch drop 🥴

[maxtermind]

my boy only breaks his favorite toys

★ : summary :: when he cheats on you ★ : feat :: max verstappen, lewis hamilton, carlos sainz, charles leclerc, lando norris ★ : genre :: angst ★ : word count :: 5k ★ : a/n :: please remember that all of this is fiction! anyway, enjoy the angst <3 cheating is not a slip up but a statement and i will not be writing a part 2 where they get back together :) as usual requests are open for other endings if you're interested (maybe she ends up with someone else on the grid to make it hurt more lol) ★ : gifs :: @\f1-stuff @\userhamilton @\slowestlap @\tyrannosaurus-maxy

Max Verstappen

Max and you had a pretty healthy work schedule. Thanks to your flexible remote work, you could travel with him and support him in person. But there were times when you were needed back at the home office but despite the distance, Max made sure to keep you in the loop.

From video calls, to texting whenever one was free, to random pictures shared, you were always pretty aware of what the other was doing. So imagine your shock when minutes after hanging up on a call after congratulating him on his win, you failed to get a hold of him before pictures of him started going viral.

But now, all of that seemed like a distant memory as you stared at the damning evidence on your phone. Pictures of Max, smiling and carefree, dancing with another woman in a crowded club, her arms wrapped around him possessively.

Your heart sank as you scrolled through the images, each one a painful reminder of the betrayal you never saw coming. And then, there it was, the blurry photo that confirmed your worst fears - Max and the other woman locked in a passionate kiss.

The world around you seemed to blur as well as tears welled up in your eyes, hot and bitter against your cheeks. Without thinking, you began to dial Max's number, your fingers trembling with a mixture of anger and desperation.

But each call went unanswered, each voicemail left unheard. With each unanswered ring, your heart broke a little more, until you could no longer bear the weight of your pain.

It was an hour later when you were in your bed, crying your eyes out when your phone finally lit up with Max's name, the screen casting a harsh glow in the dimness of your room.

As much as your head told you to hang up and let that be the final answer, you picked it up and whispered a low. ”Hi?” Your voice barely a whisper, choked with emotion.

”Y/N,” Max’s breathy voice came. It was enough to throw you off again and new tears gathered in your eyes.

”Where were you?” The words escaped your lips before you could stop them, raw with hurt and anguish.

”Baby…” Max's voice wavered, and you could hear the weight of his guilt in every syllable. It spoke volumes, you knew what had happened and he knew that. ”I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

Your chest tightened at his words, the pain of his deceit threatening to consume you whole. And then, without warning, a strangled sob escaped your lips, the sound echoing in the silence of the room.

You could hear Max's sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line, a sound that only served to intensify your grief. But you were beyond caring about appearances now, your heart laid bare for him to see.

”I trusted you,” you choked out between sobs, the words a bitter indictment of the love you had once shared. ”Why would you do this to me?”

How could the man that made you feel like the only girl in the world for him do this to you? Did he even love you or was he just a really good actor?

Your voice quivered with pain as you struggled to maintain your composure,”You've broken me in ways I didn't even know were possible.”

Max's voice wavered as he tried to find the right words to express his remorse,”I never meant to hurt you, it was the biggest mistake of my life.” 

The life he has made sure he spent with someone not you. His voice cracked further and you realized that he was also crying on the other end. ”I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life.”

There was a long pause, as if Max was searching for the right words to say. But what words could possibly undo the damage that had already been done, the trust that had been shattered beyond repair?

Your words cut through him, echoing the pain he had caused,”Did… did you even love me, Max?”

”Of course, I love you!” He spoke, his voice carrying a sense of hurt. As if questioning the audacity to even ask that and that angered you. It made you so mad because this was on him. He did this.

”I wish I could turn back time and make things right, I’m so sorry, Y/N.” Max's breath hitched as he spoke before you could. The wounds he had inflicted too deep to be healed with a simple apology. ”I never meant to make you doubt my love for you.”

And as you listened to his voice crack with emotion, you knew that there was only one thing left to do. ”I don't even recognize the person I fell in love with anymore.” You whispered with finality, your voice filled with a mixture of sadness and disbelief.

Was this really the man who had promised you a future filled with a family and laughter? The man who just made your heart bleed out?

Max caught on and rushed to get the words out,”Please, Y/N, don't hang up. I need you more than ever, I love y-”

You hung up because how dare he say that after what he did. He called you again and again after that and if you weren’t half dying in your apartment, maybe you could’ve scoffed at how the roles were switched.

However, all you could do was switch off your phone and wonder how the man who once kissed all your scars better, could leave deeper ones in their place. Leaving you to do the work to mend them all alone.

Lewis Hamilton

It had all started the day you had foolishly decided to set up lunch to have the two most important people in your life, your bestfriend and your boyfriend, meet.

Lewis seemed genuinely enthusiastic about finally meeting the person who had been such a solid support in your life. Little did you anticipate that this innocent gathering would unravel into a scene of deception.

The signs were subtle at first. A quick exchange of numbers, a glance shared behind your back– easy to dismiss as innocent. But why would you look for such signs? When it included your most trusted humans on the planet?

But then came the slips, the accidental mentions of knowing each other's whereabouts better than you did.

”I don't think she'll pick up, she said she had an afternoon meeti-” Lewis caught himself on time before shrugging and ending with a: ”She posted it on her instagram, did you miss it?”

You laughed it off though it irked you. You were just glad that they were close before...

After an especially tiring day, you finally entered your house. Surprised to see the sitting room empty, where Lewis waits for you every time he's home early.

You sighed, instinctively petting Roscoe before moving inside the house. Desperate for a shower and clean clothes to get the day's stench off of you.

So imagine your shock when you walked into your bedroom,to discover Lewis and Rachel entwined in your bed, their bodies exposed and vulnerable. In your bed.

It took a second for you to process it while they both scrambled to get their clothes on. You just stared in disbelief while Rachel cried on the bed under covers and Lewis frantically wore his clothes while saying… something?

You felt like you were underwater for a second because you saw his mouth moving before his words started registering and tears started to pool in your eyes. The pain felt tangible, like a weight pressing down on your chest, as you confronted the unthinkable reality of their infidelity.

”Baby, let me explain. Ple- Please, this isn't what it looks like... I-”

You tore your eyes away from him before looking over at Rachel who was crying because she probably understood exactly what was happening.

You wanted to ask what exactly Lewis thought was going on but decided not to because your throat was closing up. The image of them together was burned into your brain. You just shook your head as tears fell from your eyes before turning around and walking out of the room.

As Lewis desperately jumbled to dress himself, his hands fumbling with buttons and zippers, he pleaded with you, his voice cracking with desperation.

”Y/N, please, you have to listen to me. This isn't what it looks like, I swear,” he implored, his eyes wide with panic as he reached out to touch your arm, but you flinched away as if his touch burned. Feeling disgusted and deceived.

”What do you mean it's not what it looks like?!” you finally managed to choke out, your voice trembling with damage and betrayal. ”I come home to find you two... in our bed, na- naked!”

Lewis's face contorted in anguish, his mind racing for the right words to say, but nothing seemed adequate in the face of your devastation.

”It's... it's a misunderstanding, Y/N, I promise,” he stammered, his voice strained with emotion. ”Rachel and I... we didn't plan for this to happen. It's just... things got out of hand, and we never meant to do you wrong.”

You shook your head in disbelief because you didn’t know what else to do truly, feeling as if the ground had been pulled out from beneath you. ”How could you do this to me, Lewis? I thought you… that you loved me,” your voice turned in a whisper.

All the times he had discussed the future rushed through your mind. He wanted to retire and repeatedly told you how he wanted to marry you. Your hands trembled as you suddenly remembered asking Rachel to be your bridesmaid.

Suddenly, the pressure on your chest got worse.

Lewis's eyes pleaded with you, his voice barely a whisper as he struggled to find the right words. ”I don't know, Y/N. I don't know what came over me. I love you, you have to believe me. Please don't leave, we can work through this together.”

But his words fell on deaf ears as you turned away from him, the pain in your heart too raw to bear. ”I trusted you, Lewis. I trusted both of you,” you whispered, your voice barely audible over the pounding of your heart.

As you moved towards the door, every step heavier than the last, Lewis's voice trembled with desperation, his hands reaching out to grasp yours, pleading for your attention.

”Y/N, please, don't leave,” he begged, his voice cracking with raw emotion. ”I messed up, I know I did, but I love you. Please, let me make it right.”

You paused, the weight of his words pressing down on you like a suffocating blanket. ”How can you say you love me after what you did?” you asked, your voice barely a whisper, thick with pain.

And with that, you turned away, leaving behind the shattered remains of the life you had once shared, the echoes of Lewis's pleas fading into the emptiness of the night. Swearing to never put your trust in anyone else ever again.

Carlos Sainz

You had sworn off of relationships for so long after your last one that it was honestly a miracle, as your friends and family put it, that you agreed to go out with Carlos. But he was the perfect gentleman to you. The person who gave you hope for a better future. Giving you hope that maybe all the ‘cheesy’ discourse was for you too.

He knew how you were hurt the last time and reassured you about how special you were to him and how you were always enough. Enough for him.

It slowly became a running joke once you guys hit the two year mark. You were finally at a stage where you had a loving partner that you could trust blindly.

So to say that you were blindsided would be an understatement…

Your fingers trembled as you scrolled through Carlos's phone, your heart racing with each new message that appeared on the screen.

You never thought you'd be the type to snoop, but the nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach had become too much to ignore. He was so distant lately and so secretive about his phone, it was slowly killing you.

There it was, undeniable proof staring back at you in blue and white. Messages from an unknown number, filled with suggestive language and promises of secrecy. Your breath got caught in your throat as you read through the damning evidence, your heart sinking with each word.

‘Hey babe, can't wait to see you tonight ;) xoxo’

The message hit you like a punch to the gut, your mind reeling with disbelief. How could Carlos do this to you? You thought you had something special, something worth fighting for. But now, all those hopes and dreams lay shattered at your feet.

You tried to push down the rising tide of emotion, to find some innocent explanation for what you were seeing. But deep down, you knew the truth – Carlos was cheating on you.

When he emerged from the bathroom, you were waiting for him, phone in hand and tears in your eyes. And as you looked into his eyes, you knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

”Carlos,” you whispered, the weight of your words heavy in the air as he stepped into the room, his tousled hair and relaxed demeanor a stark contrast to the turmoil raging inside you.

You weren’t really sure why you weren’t screaming and thrashing things around already. It was like you were frozen on the spot.

”What's wrong?” he asked, concern etched into his features as he took in your tear-streaked face and the phone clutched tightly in your hand. Though, when you looked at him, all you could see was how he was your everything. How you had given him your everything.

And you still weren’t enough.

You struggled to find the words, to articulate the emotions coursing through you. ”I found... I found something on your phone,” you finally managed, your voice trembling with emotion.

Carlos's expression faltered, his eyes flickering with uncertainty as he took a hesitant step closer. ”What do you mean?” he asked, his voice tinged with apprehension.

You took a shaky breath, steeling yourself for the confrontation to come. ”Messages,” you began, your voice barely audible as you held up the phone, displaying the incriminating evidence for him to see. ”From someone... someone you've been seeing behind my back.”

Carlos's eyes widened in shock as he stared at the screen, his hand instinctively reaching out to take the phone from you. ”Y/N, I swear, I can explain,” he stammered, his voice tinged with desperation. Why was he reaching for the phone and not your hand?

But the words fell on deaf ears as the full weight of his betrayal hit you like a ton of bricks. ”Explain?” you echoed, your voice trembling with disbelief. ”How can you even explain this, Carlos? How could you do this to me?”

He reached out to touch you, to offer comfort or reassurance, but you recoiled, the sting of his infidelity too raw and painful to bear. ”I trusted you,” you choked out, tears streaming down your face as you backed away from him. ”How could you-”

Can love like this be lost too? You’ve been on your knees begging the universe to grant you one love that wouldn’t be snatched from you. Thinking all your prayers had been heard only for him to do it too.

Carlos's expression crumbled as he watched you retreat, his own anguish mirroring yours. ”I never meant for this to happen,” he pleaded, his voice thick with emotion. ”Please, Y/N, give me a chance to make things right.”

As Carlos pleaded with you, his words heavy with desperation, you couldn't help but feel a pang of doubt. His promises of love and devotion clashed with the evidence on his phone, leaving you torn between the man you thought you knew and the painful truth staring back at you.

You met his gaze, seeing the desperation etched into his features as he struggled to make you believe him. ”Can you hear me?” he implored, desperation lacing his words. ”You are always enough for me. Please, you have to believe me. I love you more than anything, Y/N.”

His words pulled at your heartstrings, the sincerity in his voice almost convincing you to give him another chance. But deep down, you knew that trust once broken was not easily repaired.

You met his gaze, feeling the weight of his plea bearing down on you. ”I hear you,” you replied softly, nodding through your tears, your voice tinged with sadness. ”But it's not that simple, Carlos. I want to believe you, but...”

Carlos's grip on you tightened, his body pressing against yours as he sought solace in your embrace. ”Please, don't leave,” he whispered, his voice filled with desperation. ”I'll do anything to make this right, to prove to you that you're the only one for me.”

Tears welled in your eyes as you pulled away, the pain of betrayal still raw and agonizing. ”No,” you murmured, your voice barely audible above the sound of your breaking heart. ”You did to us. You made me believe… I'm leaving. This is goodbye.”

With that, you turned and walked away, leaving Carlos standing alone in the wreckage of your brutally murdered relationship.

Charles Leclerc

You had rushed back home because for the first time in what feels like forever, your boyfriend was back home. Charles was a man of many charms. Despite being with him for so long, he still had you blushing and getting butterflies every time he was around.

He was busy when you got home so you decided to wash up but as you paced back and forth in the living room, your heart racing with anxiety, you didn’t know what to do to figure out what exactly Charles was doing.

Charles had been on the phone for what felt like hours, his voice hushed but urgent as he spoke to someone on the other end of the line. Normally, you wouldn't think much of it, but something about his tone tonight had set off alarm bells in your mind.

You tried to focus on a book, anything to distract yourself from the gnawing feeling of unease in the pit of your stomach. But every word you read seemed to blur together, your mind consumed with worry.

Finally, you couldn't take it anymore. With trembling hands, you set the book aside and made your way to the kitchen, where Charles was still on the phone.

”...I can't risk it tonight,” you heard him say, his tone strained ”She's coming home soon, and I don't want to risk it.”

Your heart skipped a beat at his words. Who was he talking about? And why did he sound so nervous?

Curiosity getting the better of you, you crept closer, straining to hear the other end of the conversation.

”...I know, I know,” Charles continued, his voice growing even more frantic. ”But I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to you.”

Your blood ran cold at his words. What did he mean, ‘not fair to her?’ And who the fuck was he talking to?

Before you could process it all, Charles abruptly ended the call and turned to find you standing in the doorway, your eyes wide with shock and hurt.

”Y/N,” he started, his voice wavering as he took in your expression. ”I... I didn't realize you were there.”

You struggled to find your voice, your mind racing with a thousand questions. ”Who were you talking to, Charles?” you managed to choke out, your voice barely above a whisper.

Charles' eyes flickered with guilt as he shifted uncomfortably under your gaze. ”It's... it's nothing, Y/N,” he stammered, but you could tell he was lying. ”Just a friend.”

But you weren't buying it. Not after what you had just heard. ”A friend?” you repeated, your voice rising with anger and hurt. ”Is that what you call my replacement?”

Charles' face paled at your accusation, his eyes widening in shock. ”Baby, it's not what you think,” he protested, but you could hear the desperation in his voice. He looked so scared, as if he knew he was gonna get caught up into lies.

”Then what is it, Charles?” you demanded, your voice trembling with emotion. ”Enlighten me.”

He hesitated, his gaze flickering away from yours as if unable to meet your eyes. ”It's... it's complicated,” he finally admitted, but his words offered little comfort.

”There's nothing complicated about cheating on someone you claim to love.” You were trying to compose yourself, not show him how deeply his words had cut you but your hands were trembling and your voice was cracking. Face pale and eyes glassy.

Charles winced at your words, his guilt written plainly across his face. ”You’re the only person I love,” he insisted, his voice barely above a whisper. ”It's just... things got out of hand.”

You felt like you had been punched in the gut. How could he stand there and try to justify his betrayal? How could he expect you to forgive him after this? Why the fuck was he the one looking distort?

”I trusted you, Charles,” you choked out, tears welling in your eyes. He shouldn’t be expecting you to treat him as a victim too when he was the one guilty. ”I thought we had something special.”

Charles' expression softened, his eyes brimming with remorse. ”We do, Y/N,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. ”I love you, more than anything. Please, you have to believe me.”

But love now felt like a distant memory, tarnished by his infidelity. ”How can I believe anything you say after this?” You scoffed bitterly. Angry at yourself for crying in front of the man who has probably been sleeping with someone else for months now.

Charles reached out to you, his hand trembling as he brushed a tear from your cheek. ”I'll do anything to make it up to you, Y/N,” he pleaded, his voice filled with desperation. ”Just give me a chance to prove it.”

You whispered, your voice heavy with resignation,”There are no second chances for cheaters.”

Lando Norris

Because of multiple torments inflicted by past lovers, you were always resistant to fall head first in any relationship. Hesitant to give your heart knowing recovering was going to be the absolute worst.

Comes in, Lando. The man who broke through all your barriers, took down the walls you put around yourself and had you love struck in a matter of time.

For a moment, everything was amazing. He was the best person you could've asked for. He looked at you as if you put the stars up in the sky.

Who could've thought?

Who could've thought that the same fucking man would have you breaking down at a family event in front of everyone.

The room buzzed with conversation as you sat at the dinner table, trying to ignore the growing tension in the air.

Lando's hand found yours under the table, his thumb tracing soothing circles on your palm. ”Are you okay?” he whispered, concern etched in his voice.

You forced a smile, nodding faintly. ”Yeah, just a bit overwhelmed,” you murmured, hoping to brush off your unease. Why was everyone looking at you with such pity?

But Lando's gaze remained fixed on you, his eyes searching yours for any sign of distress. ”You know you can talk to me, right?” he said softly, squeezing your hand gently.

Before you could respond, a sudden hush fell over the room, drawing your attention to the commotion across the room. You followed Lando's gaze, your heart sinking as you saw him make eye contact with one of your cousins, their faces morphing as if they were having a whispered conversation.

”What's going on?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper as dread coiled in the pit of your stomach.

You have seen this scene before and you did not like where this was going. Feeling overwhelmed, you got up and excused yourself from the table. Slightly glad to have Lando do the same.

This was all a confusion. You repeated in your head before standing outside the venue, away from distressed eyes and hushed gossips.

Lando's grip on your hand tightened, his expression unreadable as he turned to face you. ”I... I need to talk to you,” he said, his voice strained with emotion.

Your heart plummeted as you watched him fidget, every step feeling like a weight bearing down on your chest. ”What is it?” you asked, your voice trembling with apprehension.

Lando hesitated, his eyes darting away from yours as if unable to meet your gaze. ”I... I don't know how to say this,” he began, his voice faltering.

Just then, your cousin appeared at his side, her expression a mix of guilt and defiance. ”Y/N, we need to talk,” she said, her voice tinged with remorse.

They exchanged another glance and something in your mind stopped working.

Your breath caught in your throat as the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, the truth hitting you like a sledgehammer to the chest. ”No...” you whispered, the word barely a breath as tears welled in your eyes.

Lando reached out to you as you took a step away from them, his voice a desperate plea. ”Please, let me explain,” he begged, his eyes brimming with regret.

But you pulled away, the sting of deceit too raw and painful to bear. ”Not you too,” you choked out, your voice breaking with emotion. ”How could you do this to me?”

There were no answers, no explanations that could erase the pain of their breach of trust. They both just watched as you started crying softly. Apparently everyone in your family knew too.

As tears welled in your eyes, Lando's pleading voice cut through the air. ”Y/N, please, just give me a chance to explain.” His hand reached out towards you, but you recoiled, his touch now feeling like a betrayal.

”Explain what?” you retorted, your voice laced with disbelief. ”That you cheated on me with my cousin?”

Lando's eyes widened in panic but instead your cousin's voice broke through the tension, filled with regret. ”Y/N, I'm so sorry. It was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened.”

Anger surged within you at her words. ”Sleeping with my fucking boyfriend was a mistake?” you shot back, incredulous at the audacity of her apology.

Lando stepped forward, his expression a mix of remorse and longing. ”I never meant to cause you any pain, Y/N. Please believe me,” he pleaded, his voice trembling with emotion.

Your trust had shattered along with your heart. 

His voice quivered as he spoke again, desperation lacing his words. ”I love you, Y/N. I made a stupid mistake, but it doesn't change how I feel about you.”

But love now felt like a distant memory, tarnished by their adultery.

”If this is love, I want no part of it,” you declared, your voice filled with anguish. Knowing deep down that you meant it.

Your cousin reached out to you, her eyes brimming with tears. ”Y/N, please, you have to understand...” But understanding felt beyond your reach, lost in a sea of pain and betrayal.

”Understand what?” you cried out, your voice breaking with emotion. ”That my own sister betrayed me with my… my boyfriend?”

Lando's plea echoed in the air, his voice thick with desperation. ”I'll do anything to make it up to you, Y/N. Just give me a chance.”

But the chance had already been squandered, lost in the wreckage of their infidelity.

”You had your chance, Lando, and you blew it.” You wish you could be angry and put them to their places but your chest was hurting so much that it was almost dizzy.

You felt sick and on the verge of passing out.

”I'll do anything to make things right, Y/N. Just tell me what to do.” But there was nothing they could do to undo the damage that had been done, no words or actions that could mend the broken pieces of your heart.

They have insulted you in front of your whole family.

”There's nothing you can do to fix this, Lando. You've ruined everything,” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper as you turned away, the weight of their betrayal too heavy to bear.

As you walked away, their voices faded into the background, drowned out by the deafening roar of your own heartbreak. And as you stumbled out into the night, the stars above offering no solace, you vowed never to let anyone break you again.

( writing masterlist \ main masterlist \ drop a request ) ©maxtermind // do not copy, rewrite or translate any of my work on any platforms.

[thesilmarillionblog]

𝐖𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄 ── Part 2

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: In the hopes that things would improve between you, you choose to lose your virginity to your friend Dean Winchester because you have been in love with him madly for a long time. However, he doesn't feel the same about you.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x F!Reader

Warnings: +18! (Minors DNI),smut, unrequited love, angst, reader gets hurt, arguments, jealousy

Word Count: 5896

A/N: English is not my first language.

Dean hung out on the second floor with his new girlfriend while you and Sam watched TV. There were no audible voices. Well, you couldn't hear anything that far away, at least. You couldn't stop your mind from concentrating on them, even if you didn't want to. Your head hurt from the mix of the TV's sounds and the rain. Actually, the pain was in your soul.

You waited for regret to surface so you could condemn and despise yourself for opening yourself to Dean, your friend. But despite your best efforts, you were unable to sense remorse. You knew that you would do it again if you had a chance, taking back all that happened. How could you refuse him? You wished to memorize every moment of that night by being able to see every expression on his face. It was ridiculous that something so basic could no longer be made possible. The moments you spent with him are now only vague memories in your mind. All you could recall was the touch—his touch. It was still lingering on your skin. That would be enough.

It was clear to you from the way he laughed with her moments ago that the moment you had spent with him days before meant nothing. It was simply another hookup for Dean. Though you didn't think you'd reveal the truth from your side, you wondered what Sam would say about it. Sam was a good man, but you really weren't supposed to reveal to him that you slept with his brother since it would be too embarrassing. Additionally, you had given your virginity to his brother, whom you referred to as a "friend." There was no way you could tell him this.

You couldn't even recall the name of the show that was on TV. From time to time, Sam cracked up at the jokes. At least one person was feeling good. You looked at him attentively and observed that he had his attention on the show while he ate his popcorn.

He turned to face you, seeing your serious expression as he observed how you were reacting to the joke. In your arms, you held a pillow.

He said, “What's that look?”

“Seems like someone is enjoying, huh?”

“Why not? We all deserve a little relaxation after working so hard as hunters, don't you think?” He remarked, grinning, and turned down the TV. The instant the room was silent, you realized how much the noise had hurt your head. 

“Like your brother?” Compared to what you had anticipated, you sounded more serious. 

“Dean being Dean, you know.” Sam sighed and made a quick statement. Yes, you were aware of it. 

“How is your arm, by the way?” you said with a troubled look on your face. You've been feeling terrible for Sam because he kept you protected throughout the hunt and then ended up hurting himself. He was always considerate and cautious of you and Dean. It was in his nature. 

Sam smiled reassuringly and said, “It's fine. You know, things go wrong, and as long as you save the day, it's alright to get a little bit hurt.”

Stating, “I didn't want to get distracted that easily. I'm not sure what's wrong with me these days, but I promise I'll get better.” The claim that you were acting in this way without knowing why wasn't true. You were certainly aware of the exact cause of your growing distraction. 

If only Sam could read your mind and understand. Otherwise, there was no way for you to tell him straight what happened between you and Dean that night. You had any, yet deep down you needed to talk to someone. But you were very, really embarrassed. It's not like you were teens; you and Dean are grown ups. Reasonable ones, obviously. On the other hand, exposing your situation to him would be the same as declaring your love for him and would reveal your feelings for him.

“Really, Y/N, it's all right. What is done is done.” Sam looked at you, totally shutting off the TV. “Ignore what Dean said. You know how protective he is all the time. If you were the one who was harmed by me, he would say the same things. Though he may have come off as tougher, his intentions were good.”

"I'm afraid that's not true, Sammy. I mean, I know his intentions were good, of course, but I guess I touched his nerves this time for real.”

You attempted a smile, but it did not reach your lips before you realized Sam was trying to soothe you.

Sam replied awkwardly, “He cares way too much about the people he really cares about.” At these meaningless remarks, you both halted for a little period of time. “Well, it wasn't the best way to put it, but you get the idea. You might understand if you were raised by an older brother. He's not a bad person; there are just moments when I don't understand him.” 

“Of course not,” you cut him off right away. “You don't even have to say it. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying anything negative about him. I would never.”

“I know, I know...” Sam spoke quickly. “Still, I'm simply advising you not to think too much about what he said previously, all right? We've been hunting for more than a year; it's not that he doesn't like you. Remember that a year ago, it was he who offered the invitation for you to join that team?”

You ultimately nodded as Sam attempted to convince you that Dean didn't mean to hurt you. 

“Yes,” you murmured to yourself. “Considering how often you two sustain injuries, a nurse would be beneficial. I wonder if Dean was looking for a nurse for himself and his little brother, or if he was looking for someone with hunting abilities.”

“Let's say you're just talented enough to take a part in that very humble team,” Sam laughed. “And you're being a nurse is just another plus.” 

You sighed and then gave him a genuine smile, saying, “Fine, if you say so.” You had finally been somewhat diverted from your thoughts about Dean and his girlfriend by a brief conversation with Sam. 

Curious, you said, “How about you and Ruby, by the way? It seems that you two have become a very good couple, haven't you?”

“We're looking for something…to work out. But it's okay for now,” Sam remarked hesitantly. You found it amusing that he was so forthright about everything else than relationships. 

“You seem to be very much in love.” Not knowing how to present the matter to Dean without taking any suspicion, you offered an innocent glance to Sam. Sam was smart in every other way. Sometimes he observed and gazed at people as though he could see right through them. 

“She's like no one I've ever met,” Sam said timidly. “I think it will take some more time to work it out, but it's fine so far.”

“I'm glad to hear that.”

“How about you?”

You hesitantly replied, “What?” as he sent you one of his suspicious stares. 

“I've been thinking about lately and come to know... that it has been a year and I didn't even see you with anyone. That seems a little odd, don't you think?” Sam arched an eyebrow. “Are you not seeing anyone, or are you keeping it as a secret or something?”

You shifted on the seat and hugged the pillow against your arms a bit extra to help you unwind. In the end, he knew nothing about Dean or you. There was no reason to be anxious. It was only chitchat. 

“No, of course not!” You stopped him off before he started asking his questions. “It isn't... I'm not interested in anyone right now.”

“Really?” With a look of suspicion, Sam inquired. “We met other men throughout the cases, and they seemed to be interested in you. How can you tell whether you're interested in one of them if you don't give it a shot?”

“Sam, I don't like hookups. Something like that is not what I want.” However, you've turned into Dean's one hookup. The thought briefly ripped through your soul, given how little you've been talking recently, as if there were an unambiguous wall between you that you could not break down no matter how hard you tried.

“That's not what I'm saying. I'm just trying to get the point that you should give people a chance to win you over. How in the world would you know if you liked someone or not without that?”

“I don't want to,” you interrupted, concentrating solely on Dean. It would be simpler to get Sam to understand you if you could tell him how you feel about Dean. 

Sam groaned and said, “Fine. It was just an advice.” 

“I know, thanks,” you responded, putting on a timid grin. “Will you continue to watch TV for a while? It's growing late.”

Sam said, “I think I will,” as he looked at his watch. “Are you leaving?” 

You said quietly, “Yeah,” as you peered out the window to see the weather. It was pouring. You would have hated sunny days even more if you had gotten intimate with Dean on a sunny day. Rainy weather used to be something you enjoyed, but now it just hurt.

“I think it's better if you stay though,” Sam said, taking a deep breath and using one of his fingers to show you the pouring rain. “You're not the best driver.”

With a harsh tone, you said, suddenly tossing the pillow over his face. “Did you just insult me?”

“That's not insulting,” Sam shot it back at you. “I'm just saying that you're no Hamilton.”

You said, “You have no idea,” and you couldn't help but smile as you recalled the day Dean forbade you from driving on rainy days after you nearly had an accident. Dean continued to get anxious when it started to rain while you were driving because of that day. His Baby was more important than anything. 

“Will you be watching TV or?” Taking back the remote control, Sam asked. 

“No, thanks; enjoy yourself.” Setting the pillow down next to the coach and stretching your arms, you yawned. 

You couldn't help but notice the agonizing heavy feeling in your chest as it began to flare up again like tiny needles as you made your way upstairs. Even though you didn't want to hear anything, you were listening for any sounds coming from Dean's room. As you passed, your movements almost seemed to slow down, but you quickly realized what was going on, and you entered the dark room where you would be spending the night, as if your brain didn't want to hear anything.

You had been repeatedly asked to leave the same house by Dean and Sam and start to live with them, but for whatever reason you were unaware of, you had refused. If they repeated the offer, you would most likely take it immediately. God, even if you just lived in the same house, you would probably fall even more in love with Dean. During hunts, it was even sufficient to see him for a few hours. Your heart ached to think about his face, his grin, and every joke he ever told.

Has the night some weeks ago caused you to ruin what you had? You didn't feel any regret, but as you noticed that Dean was becoming more aloof, regret started to consume you.

You'd just gotten out of the shower when your hands found one of Dean's t-shirts. You desired to wear it like you had some weeks prior. Back then, it wasn't a big deal; instead of complaining, he would just make jokes about how little and amusing you looked in them. But things were different today, and you knew it wouldn't be proper to wear it while he had a girlfriend.

If he truly had affections for someone, you didn't want to spoil things for him.

They laughed a little too loudly as you lay down on the bed and pressed his t-shirt against your chest as if it would bring him further closer. Dean's laughter mixed with Jo's. You tried, devastated, to focus on the soothing sounds of the falling rain and on the absurd or hazardous situations that had transpired during the hunts. It was useless. 

That was the moment you became aware of how really alone you were. Perhaps Sam was correct about telling you to pursue a romantic connection. However, how could it be possible when you were already deeply in love with someone? Anytime Dean was around, your heart felt like it was going to explode. You had no idea how to handle things like that. 

You set his shirt down and let it fall to the ground, acting as if doing so could shield you from the overwhelming feelings that Dean had given you. God, how could you possibly let go of your feelings for him when you couldn't even let go of a single piece of fabric with ease? 

You were so miserable and pathetic that you were unable to stop crying this time. You dreamed of something you could never have as the tears flowed down your cheeks and onto the bed. You will always cherish the beautiful memory the night gave you, but at what cost?

You were sobbing, but you weren't sure if it was from the noises Dean and Jo were making or from the dreams that could only have come true in your head. 

Your impulse to pick up Dean's t-shirt from the floor gradually vanished as your tears dropped to the bed and the pain consumed your entire being. Until today, you had no idea how much you actually loved him. 

“What happened?” With a big smile on her face, Jo placed her fingers around Dean's face and inquired in between laughter. She teased this thick neck with a quick, playful kiss. On his lap, she became still. 

Dean's fingers raised her skirt and were ready to push her underwear aside. Jo continued moving on Dean's lap, making herself wetter by rubbing herself over Dean's boxer, her hands lingering on his wide and bare chest with desire. 

“Nothing,” a rough-voiced Dean said. From the room where you were staying, he thought he heard something. He had heard you took the upstairs before he'd gone to the bathroom. You most likely made the decision to stay since it was pouring rain outside. You definitely didn't know how to drive in such conditions. He shuddered, remembering when you nearly crushed his baby and sent it to his sweet vehicle burial. 

Jo touched Dean's naked chest and paused her palm at his abs, saying, “You seem to be like thinking something else.”

“I wasn't,” Dean lied. It was not significant at all, so there was no need to provide details.

“I was just thinking though,” Jo said, attempting to find the right words to say. 

“About?”

“I think we'd be a great team, you know.” With a sly smile, Jo continued to stroke Dean's abs with the tips of her fingers. “As you are aware, Sam, you, and I would make an excellent team since we are now somewhat of a family, since I am also a hunter. Do you not think?”

Dean moved slightly on the bed, thinking of you, irritated at Jo's disregard for you, as if the details weren't even important. You were a member of the team. He was the one who initially made the offer to you in fact. Besides, they weren't even paired up. He said nothing about it so as not to hurt her feelings or make her feel humiliated if she brought it up. 

“How about Y/N?” In an attempt to lighten the mood and soften the air, Dean attempted to smile at her, but his smile did not reach his lips.

“She's a nurse,” Jo said, as if it were an insult. Dean felt uncomfortable and uneasy because Jo was attempting to push out the details of what she truly wanted to say about you. Despite her best efforts to seem polite, she came out as cunning and bitter. That was something Dean did not appreciate. 

“So?” Dean arched an eyebrow in questioning. “She is the only one still alive due to the terrible things that went wrong; her family was full of hunters just like ours. She doesn't even need to, yet she still has passion. That's very encouraging, in my opinion. I mean, continuing to work in the family business while also doing her professional job responsibilities. That requires guts.”

“Are you defending her?”

“I am,” Dean said in a firm and harsh manner. Jo was still on top of him, trying to get him to say nasty things about you, and he didn't enjoy her attempts at distracting him with handiwork. Dean felt unease and a strong sense of aggressiveness.

He never explicitly expressed his admiration for you for persevering through everything and for having the guts to face your fears. Jo recognized how much he genuinely admired you in his heart when he explained how excellent you were at what you did. Even though you occasionally were easily sidetracked, you were a professional.

Jo sighed, but she didn't give a damn about Dean's opinion of you. In the end, you posed no threat. For nothing at all. 

“I don't think your dad raised you and Sam for doing some charity to the orphan hunters and helping them to find a belonging,” Jo said. Although she made an effort not to seem cruel, it was the reality for her. “I am aware of the danger she took for Sam when you all were hunting last time. It is a weakness to be easily sidetracked in this.”

Dean's eyes grew enraged as Jo carried on speaking in a sinuous manner. She was aware of his dislike of others discussing the persons they cared about in this way. Particularly about the people he respected and gave enough thought to. 

Dean whispered, “Jo,” but it seemed more like he was threatening her. “Stop this fucking nonsense now. I'm serious.” 

“Do you have a soft spot for her or something?” Jo inquired once again. She also bit her lips invitingly while gently raising her skirt to reveal her pussy to Dean's gaze in an attempt to divert his focus elsewhere.

Her eyes were full of promise. In particular, Dean found it amusing when ladies looked at him with such passion. 

Dean immediately felt a sense of relaxation as his hands moved to her hips. He sighed and refused to answer. “Are we just going to talk?” he asked. She began removing her clothes rapidly while he licked his lips and observed. 

“Hopefully not,” Jo laughed in response. She was relieved that she and Dean had stopped talking about you. “Let our bodies talk in their very own, divine language.”

Dean switched the positions before she could say anything more. Now that he was on top of Jo, he was urgently kissing her while his mind was racing with ideas he wanted to put down for the night. 

Dean roughly spread Jo's legs wider and pulled her underwear aside, freeing himself from his boxer. With a single forceful shove that caused them both to moan loudly, he gave his firm cock a few strokes and pushed himself in Jo beforehand. That was an excellent way to get some real comfort now. 

Jo hadn't kept it low at all, so Dean put his hands on her mouth to silence her, causing her to sigh into his hands without intending to wake anyone. He picked up his speed and began to push into her rough and fast enough to satisfy both of them, knowing that she enjoyed being fucked raw and fast and that Dean also wanted to find his release. 

While he continued to fuck her, Dean warned her to "keep it low," suppressing his own groans.

She was, however, loudly groaning in Dean's hands, locking her legs around his hips, matching his speed as she raised her hips, as if she wanted everyone to know that she was getting fucked by Dean. Dean warned her to turn down the volume once more, but it didn't help.

In an attempt to find his release, Dean thrust into her more quickly, giving the impression that he was being forced to come—as if this were a mission or one of his hunts. He was striving to find his pleasure when he felt nervousness take over his body. He wasn't accustomed to feeling this way, especially around women.

His other hand tightened on Jo's tits, and he ran his fingers through her ass to help himself. His movements were forceful and impatient. All he wanted was for her to be somewhat silent so that he could focus more easily. It wasn't like Dean liked to be all crazy harsh on ladies or anything; he just needed to experience the closeness of a true, sincere touch, which was difficult to find at the moment.

He was on the verge of getting there, but he was unable to seize the ideal moment of pleasure and find relief.

Though it wasn't appropriate to think about it right now, Dean's thoughts began to form around the moment he and you had shared weeks earlier as he continued to stroke his hardness into Jo's warm pussy while muttering under his breath. It was as though his body had a mind of its own and knew when it was best for him to get what he was looking for.

His thoughts were hopelessly consumed by the sensation of your tightness and those moments of adorable small sounds that you attempted to hide from him. Dean attempted to concentrate on the woman who he was actually fucking into, not feeling proud of how he thought about you while he fucked Jo into the covers. Thinking about how he fucked you wasn't fair to no one at all. But his own body, which was attempting to steal what it desired by using Jo's body, was not under his control.

Him fucking Jo was becoming a battle between Dean's body and mind. Pleasure and reason; soul and mind.

Jo began to quiver instead of groan loudly, and as Dean withdrew his fingers from her lips, she cried out, “Will you come inside?” 

Dean instantly said, “No,” realizing that he hadn't been wearing a condom throughout his frantic sex with her. “Stay still.”

With a hint of rage, Dean sank his fingers into Jo's flesh and his head into her sweating neck, fiercely shutting his eyes. He was going insane as he struggled with his own thoughts, which were attempting to recall every little detail about your body and how you responded and tightened around his member. He didn't want to go back in time mentally and get pleasure thinking about the night with you while he was inside someone else. It wasn't fair for any. 

It was just an impulse decision made in the heat of the moment. Still, Dean's mind continued seeing the body underneath him to be yours, making him picture every single detail of how he took you and how you immediately clenched around him the moment he entered you. He was taken aback by how tight you were; you were like anyone he had ever fucked. 

As the fantasies overtook his thoughts, Dean became aware of his surroundings as Jo began to speak dirty to him, telling him how much she enjoyed it when he gave her such an aggressive fuck. Dean wasn't aware of himself till now that he started to fuck into her pussy quicker and harder.

Dean's body tensed as his eyes opened. He was pushing his cock in and out of Jo without intending to get off as he thought about you. He was a little caught by what had transpired in a split second. 

Jo gasped and said, “Why did you stop?” To regain his attention, she raised her hips higher. 

“Nothing,” Dean said, losing his temper and collapsing to his side as he felt his cock gradually soften. 

Jo was bewildered, but she became enraged when Dean abruptly quit fucking her and left her feeling unsatisfied. 

She sighed and said, “You want me to get on top?” although she sounded more like she was frustrated. 

“No.”

“What the hell is your problem?” she said, nailing Dean's chest. “Come on-”

“I said, 'no.' Alright?” In an attempt to disassociate himself from Jo, Dean stated. Even though he knew it was just about him, he tried to keep his cool down despite feeling like rage was taking him.

When she realized Dean wasn't in the mood and was most likely experiencing some sort of dysfunctional erection, she simply remarked, “Anyways,” without caring about it at all. “I promised to go out with some friends tonight, you know,” she said, putting on her clothes again.

“Alright. It's pouring outside though.”

“Yeah, and?”

With a sigh, Dean said, “Nevermind,” understanding that you were the only on who found driving in such weather difficult.

Dean quickly showered right after Jo departed the house, then jerked off just after he entered the bathroom. Even if things started to seem strange with Jo, his body still wanted some release to ease the tension. He was horny and furious at the same time. Though he was a man of action and he wasn't the biggest fan of taking himself in hand in the shower like a teenager, it worked this time. It felt good enough.

Dean gasped in frustration, picturing your gentle touches and the way he felt within you while he fucked Jo and how he thought about you while. The easiest way for him to regain control of his body was to stop. That was all—him and you were simply pals who took pleasure from each other for one night. You were lovely, so it wasn't that he wouldn't want to fuck you again, but it would just be weird. That was not Dean's type of thing. 

With one arm folded behind his head, Dean lay on the bed and tried not to think too much. Perhaps he was simply too exhausted.

Even though you were exhausted, your body woke up in the middle of the night due to a headache and a dry throat. You walked silently downstairs to the kitchen so as not to wake Sam, Dean, or his girlfriend. 

You cursed yourself for being so emotional and sensitive, crying your eyes out till you went to sleep. Perhaps you were about to have your monthly period very soon. You were forced to put on your headphones by Dean and his companion in order to block out the noises they created all night.

What a waste, you thought. Believing that once you committed yourself to Dean, things would improve between you two. The situation became worse because of it. There was now such a strong and lengthy barrier between you that, despite your best attempts to remain composed, you were unable to climb it at all without being exhausted. If you were more courageous than this, you would have let everything pass by, turned your back to the team, and concentrated on your actual work. 

After turning on the light and rubbing your swollen eyes, you sipped your water and sat down next to the window. You couldn't even get enough sleep, and you had to work all day. You required a long vacation. 

As soon as you placed the glass down on the kitchen sink, you turned around and saw Dean staring back at you. He was half nude, wearing just sweatpants; his broad chest was all naked. You jumped and gasped in fear because you didn't hear him approaching. 

Dean seemed a little confused for a moment when he saw your ruined hair and swollen eyes, but he said nothing. 

He stated, “You're so jumpy,” in a low voice as if another person may hear them. 

You paused in front of Dean and said, "I didn't hear you coming," but all you did was stand there and remain still, your heart racing. 

Ignoring him and returning to your room was difficult. Though your soul ached and yearned for more time with him, your mind knew that nothing would happen between you.

“Why are you still awake?”

You suddenly snapped, “Why are you questioning me?” but then you added, “I was thirsty.”

He said, “It makes us two,” and grabbed a glass of water for himself.

Can't help but notice how you looked, he remarked, “Your eyes appear somewhat swollen.” He couldn't help making a comment this time, a sense of concern overwhelming him.

Trying to sound convincing enough, you said in a hushed voice, “I just woke up. Couldn’t sleep properly.”

“You're going to work tomorrow, aren't you?” Dean inquired as if attempting to strike up a conversation after such a lengthy period. You haven't been speaking properly recently for the obvious reason. 

You answered, “Um, yeah,” and lightly stroked your hand to see whether it hurt. It no longer did. Thank goodness you weren't seriously injured. You've also taken plenty of time off from work. It would be best if you started working right away to take your mind off of Dean and all that was going on. There was a lot to take in. 

“But can you work though? Is your hand okay, by the way?”

“Yes, I suppose there's nothing to worry about. It's stopped hurting. Actually, I missed my job. It's been too long since I took a break.”

You took a deep breath and went to head back to your room, saying a quiet, "Good night," but Dean stopped you by grasping your arm after he finished his drink. “Wait,” he quietly whispered. 

He released his hold on you and gently caressed your skin in an attempt to apologize for being a little too harsh on you. You turned to face him, perplexed. “Yes?” you said as you awaited his next words. 

He seemed unable to find the right words to say, so he said, “Whatever happened during the hunting... It wasn't just your fault.” The moment he brought that case back, your heart pounded. 

You took a deep breath to keep yourself from being upset as you thought back to what he had said to you, his hurtful remarks, and how annoyed Dean was as a result of your distraction. 

You managed to stutter, “It's okay,” and try to smile sympathetically at him. “You are right in every way. I should have exercised more caution. After all, he's your brother.”

“No, I'm not right about everything.” Dean took a deep breath and held your still-healing hand. “I was responsible as much as you were. After all, I am the team's oldest member.” He attempted to lighten the situation with a smile, but for some reason neither of you felt like it. 

Dead had told you, just to your face, that Sam was extremely important to him, as if you had someone in your life to worry about. He hated himself for not being more compassionate after realizing he was simply being harsh.

“It was just... in the heat of the moment,” Dean made an effort to explain his behavior. But the way your eyes met, it seemed like he meant something very different.

“I know."

“I only wanted you to be more cautious; I didn't want to hurt you.” He looked into your reddened eyes and added, “Not just for me or Sam, but especially for your own good,” with such genuineness that it seemed he could see what a wreck you were on the inside. How messy you were.

“You did not hurt me at all. I will proceed with greater caution, as I had said previously.” You let his hands lightly brush across yours. Your heart had melted at such a simple, one-time gesture. Though you knew you couldn't, your body was aching to get closer to him. 

He finally released your hand after a little while. However, if he hadn't taken it in the first place, it would have hurt less. 

You hoped with all of your heart that this moment in the kitchen with Dean had gone differently. You wanted to be closer, cuddling, laughing, or doing anything else that would be tender and intimate. But you two were farther apart than before. Your eyes would have said everything about how much you wanted him if they could communicate.

“I honestly didn't intend any of the things I said to you before or later. I want you to understand this.”

“I do, Dean.”

Dean said, “I know things are a little awkward between us, but I don't want it to be like this,” before you could say anything more. “I hope that you continue to feel at ease with me. I suppose we haven't discussed it appropriately so far about this.”

Your cheeks suddenly flushed scarlet at the mention of your circumstance, and fear shot through your veins “It's really okay,” you nodded to him and replied in a hurry. “Everything's alright.” 

You felt burdened with the thought that he could be concerned that you might tell Jo. Should that be his worry, you might reassure and soothe him. In a whisper, you said, “I wouldn't...tell Jo.” 

Dean opened his mouth to say something, then scowled instead. His expression showed signs of uncertainty. Given how often they had been hooking up only, he wasn't really sure if he and Jo were a thing at all. 

He felt a little guilty as well as responsible for initiating the kiss that night since he was aware it was him. 

“You know, I don't want you to feel awkward. Don't let anything go to waste or let this ruin what we have.”

Your heart raced with hopelessness again as Dean blatantly said that he wanted nothing to change and that you should move on from the past. At this point, you couldn't tell if he was genuinely unaware of your emotions. It was better if he hadn't even opened his mouth in the first place and stayed silent. 

Since you believed you were trying your best to keep things calm between you and him and maintain whatever relationship you had with him, you wanted to ask him if there was anything you could have done to make him feel that way about you or did you make him feel uncomfortable around you. It wasn't like you were still holding out hope. You were not anticipating this any longer.

Despite his repeated promises not to hurt you, he continued to do so without even realizing it.

You nodded to him quickly and answered, “Of course, I don't want this either,” with a heavy heart. “I would not want to ruin.”

You gave him a little smile and a mumble of "good night," then turned back toward your room. You would have found the strength to cry a little bit more if your eyes weren't sore from crying so much hours before. But at that moment, all you wanted to do was sleep, without really considering anything.

Next Chapter

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A/N: Please, let me know what you think about this one. Comments and reblogs are very appreciated! ^^

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@midnightpearlaurora @mango-munchies @zaratahir @sammyxorae @opheliadynah @spxideyver

[literaticat]

I'm at my wit's end. I've spent a decade trying to break through - 10 years with 5 novels coming super close with a variety of big publishers, who rave about my writing, ideas, etc. Feedback has been mostly positive. One even rejected saying "I don't know why we're rejecting this, it's EXACTLY what we're looking for and ticks all our boxes, but we feel compelled to reject it anyway." Is there just a "Do Not Publish" sign on my head? How to keep pushing ahead after so long and so much rejection?

(OP continues...) "Sorry about the rant, Jenn, and I know there's not much you can say as you don't know my specific situation. But it's just maddening. 10+ years of my life! I know everyone faces rejection, but I seem to mostly get positive feedback and so many "close calls" of almost getting a deal - a lot of interest, but then it just peters out. That "compelled to reject anyway" just made me start feeling like I'm just fated to never be published, no matter what? I'm unagented now, starting from scratch..."

OK first of all -- that rejection, if that is literally what they said, is utterly insane. I have to presume (HOPE? PRAY?) that you are paraphrasing, that that is what it *felt* like to you, but that's not LITERALLY what they said??? Because there are certainly things where, on the surface, yes, this is what a publisher is looking for and it "ticks the boxes", but ultimately, it doesn't have that X-factor, je ne sais quois, or whatever -- so I can see a publisher saying something like, "while the writing is admirable and the premise is interesting, ultimately, we weren't compelled enough to make an offer for publication" -- which is ALMOST what you said, but there's a key difference that makes it actually normal and not insane. Because in YOUR version, it sounds like they are under an imperius curse or something, where they don't know what they are doing or why they are doing it, they just have to do it, even though it is against what WOULD be their better judgment if they weren't cursed. And... it's wild to think that a publisher would make a statement like that. (Maybe they were having a very OFF DAY???) -- BUT ANYWAY, on to the crux of your question/rant:

I understand your frustration. If it makes you feel any better (??), you're not alone. I know many -- MANY -- MANY career authors, who spent 10 years honing their craft, trying and failing, getting rejections, getting close-but-no-cigars, etc. I was chatting with a wise (and now famous) author I know, who spent 10 years or so in the query/wrong-agent/rejection/close-call trenches. She told me a theory that I feel pretty sure is right, though I don't have proof per se, it does track with my observations. She said:

Just about everyone who sticks with writing or the arts in general as a career has about a ten-year rough patch. That doesn't mean it takes everyone ten years to get published! (Though it does take LOTS of people 10+ years) -- Some lucky people get their break a lot sooner than that. BUT. Everyone has to pay the piper that ten year fee, either all at once, or in installments. So let's say you sell your book right away and start raking in the accolades etc -- fab! Just know that nobody stays popular and beloved forever, and at some point, the ten year slump is coming for you. Aren't you lucky that you're getting yours out of the way now?

OK, if that didn't work for you, how about this:

How to keep pushing ahead after so long and so much rejection?

You know you don't have to, right?

Like, if writing and seeking traditional publication is making you miserable -- you can stop. In fact, stopping may be a great idea.

I say this not to be discouraging, but rather, encouraging, actually. I encourage you to give yourself permission to prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being.

If you realize you miss writing and can't live without it -- go back to it! But maybe instead of having "publication" as your goal, your goal can be writing for the pure joy of it, without worrying about future queries or would-be agents or anyone else's expectations. What freedom! Embrace that!

Then when you do have a brand-new shiny manuscript, you can decide your next steps. Maybe it's trying again for traditional publishing, and this is the turn around the track that changes everything. (It should be close, if the 10 year theory is correct!)

OR, maybe it's self-publishing. (Lots of people have a lot of success there -- maybe you're one of them!) --

OR, maybe it's just chilling out and writing some more for your own pleasure -- creating art for the sake of creating it, for fun, for self-fulfillment, etc. Like, you know, a normal hobby, that nobody is expecting you to monetize or make into a "gig".

[beansmack2021]

Oooh idea if you’re interested! Husk taking in Alastor’s daughter reader when Alastor leaves for 7 years?

He Stayed (Platonic!Husk x Alastor's Daughter)

She was 10 when she'd been dropped off at Aunt Rosie's one night. Alastor told her he'd be back soon, and that she needed to behave herself and be a respectful young lady.

"Okay! I love you, Daddy!"

He was gone quickly, swept away by his own shadow. Y/N hummed a happy tune that she'd heard on her father's broadcast earlier in the day while she played with her stuffed raccoon. She played for hours, not really grasping how late it had gotten until she heard a knock at Rosie's door.

She assumed it would be her father, ready to whisk her away and take her back home. Instead, she rushed to open it and greet him, and was met with the face of her father's servant, Husk.

"Oh! Hi, Husk! Is Daddy here, too?"

Husk shook his head, clearing his throat.

"Listen, kid. Your old man asked me to look after you for a little while. Why don't we go back to my place?"

Young Y/N tried not to get too upset. Surely a little while just meant a few more hours, maybe a couple of days, right?

Wrong. Y/N didn't see her father for another 7 years after he'd left her in Cannibaltown. She'd spent her time with Husk, who taught her how to keep her poker face from wavering. She'd clean the bar for him occasionally, but he usually took that task on by himself.

"Oh no. Your old man would kill me if you even went near the stuff on that shelf. Sorry, kid."

Y/N stiffened whenever he'd mention her father. She really didn't care much for the man who chose to abandon her. She'd do whatever she wanted, including chugging the most expensive bottle on the shelf, but she worried too much about her father finding out and punishing Husk for her own decisions.

Late at night, she'd wonder what her father would think of her now. She'd mourn the time lost before she realized that he'd chosen to rip that time away from them, and then she'd just get angry. She'd be angry for a while. She threw the framed photo of the two of them on the ground and watched the shattered glass fly across the floor. Then she'd pick up the frame, dust it off, and hold it close to her chest as she cried.

Alastor was terrible. She hated him for leaving her. Still, she couldn't help loving the man she'd known before he abandoned her.

When Husk would hear her sobs through the walls of their home, he'd knock on the door of her bedroom and come in with a bag of chips from the bar and a few cans of soda.

"Hey, kid. What's all this crying about, huh? Why don't we play some blackjack?"

He always knew how to cheer her up. Sometimes, he'd show her some neat tricks that he could do with just a bit of magic and a deck of cards.

During one of their later nights, Husk was simply holding Y/N as she cried. Then, out of nowhere, they appeared in this rustic looking room. Directly before them stood none other than Alastor, her father.

His ears perked up a bit and his pupils narrowed as he saw his daughter's tear streaked face for the first time in nearly a decade.

"Husker, I trust that you're not the reason my little girl is crying right now. It would be very unfortunate for you if you were."

Alastor's head turned at an odd angle and his sound was filled with more static by the second. Y/N stepped between her father and the man who'd taken care of her for seven years, anger clear as day on her face.

"You can't hurt him. I won't let you."

Alastor perked up again.

"Oh come now, dear. He's merely the help."

Y/N's back straightened, and her expression changed to one of defiance.

"No, Alastor. He's not just the help. He's the one person I care about most in Hell."

Alastor's permanent smile widened.

"Oh, Y/N, even more than dear old dad?"

"Much more, because unlike "dear old dad", Husk stayed."

Alastor hadn't really been prepared to be hit by such a damaging statement. His smile almost faltered. Almost. Y/N's rage didn't, though. Not even a bit.

[valberryelixier]

(Loveless marriage, angst(some fluff) )

It was late and Ayato wasn't back yet, the food on the table that you lovingly made had gone cold and so did the wind. You weren't surprised but you still felt dissappointed.

Just the other night, Ayato swore he'd be more caring towards you and that he'd fix this loveless marriage. You were happy of course but part of you knew all along that his words were just empty promises. Still, you wanted to be wrong.

An hour later, Ayato returned looking disheveled. His coat was messy, his shirt unbuttoned and his tie around his neck.

His neck.

The collar of his shirt had traces of smeared lipstick all the way up to his mouth, his lips and his cheeks. Your gaze was fixed to the corner of his lips, the same one that smiled so lovingly to you during your wedding. The same lips that used to kiss you every night. Ayato noticed you staring at him,

"Don't be surprised, you knew this would happen someday" , he said coldly.

You had no word to say, you were so heartbroken and dissappointed that you didn't even have the energy to hit him or curse at him, or even cry. You just sat there motionless.

"Why her?", your voice trembling, barely a whisper.

"What more do you want from me Ayato? Ive done my part in being loyal to you and serving as your wife.", you finally say

"I don't know", ayato said.

You stood up, reaching over to ayato's lips to wipe away the traces of that other woman. Then removing his coat, putting it in the laundry basket.

"I think its better if we end this", he sighed

Why was it so easy for him to say that? Did he ever love you? As you realized the finality of that statement your heartbeat fastened, your hands trembled and you felt a pit in your chest, like someone had just tore away your beating heart and crushed it.

"Say it to me Ayato, tell me that you don't want me anymore, tell me that you want her"

No matter how much it would destroy you, you wanted to hear it from him. You wanted to know for sure that there was no chance of fixing your marriage and that Ayato didn't love you anymore.

"Listen, I-"

"Say it", you yelled. "If you ever loved me, say it and mean it."

"I don't love you anymore, this was just a marriage of convinience, for political reasons. I love her and i want to spend my life with her.", ayato declared as if he had waited his entire life to say this.

"Goodbye Ayato, I'll never stop loving you."

(1 year later)

You were walking in the streets of Liyue, it was Lantern Rite and you watched lanterns soaring up the sky, alone. Until you felt someone beside you. You recognized that perfume.

"Ayato?"

"It seems fate has brought us together yet again"

You noticed his tired face and how solemn he had looked but you didnt mind, you walked alongside each other, just like the past. His stride matched yours even your footsteps were in sync. Finally, you stopped at a hill to admire the scenery.

"I apologize, for everything", his voice trembled.

"Why, Ayato?"

"I've never stopped loving you, even as our distance grew my heart still remained close to you."

"Then why-"

"In truth, my duty as the commissioner is no safe task, i have been the target of multiple assassination attempts but of course i didn't mind, it was part of my job after all. However, people realized that the threat on my life was not as effective as they had hoped so they deliberately targetted the only thing i cared about."

You were silent, unable to say anything. You tried telling yourself that you didnt care about this man but why was there tears spilling from your eyes.

"I couldn't risk losing you, i much preferred if you were happier somewhere else even if that meant i was not by your side."

You noticed Ayato's mask slipping, his usually calm and stoic demeanour wavered as he stared at the distance, unable to look you in the eyes.

"Well, you're quite the strategist aren't you?", you joked, trying to lighten the situation.

Ayato smiled. His smile was almost a stranger to you.

The both of you spent the rest of the night talking about your favourite memories, reminiscing over the times you had together. Even joking about how Ayato used to be such a romantic.

"What's your favourite memory?"

"Hard to say when there's so many but i remember the time when you forgot an umbrella while it was raining hard in Narukami shrine. Your clothes were dripping wet and i covered you with my coat while we ran to take cover but then you slipped so we just decided to bask in the rain and dance along to the rhythm of the raindrops."

"Then we kissed", you added, "it was our first"

Ayato couldnt help but smile widely at that memory. But alas, this night had to end.

"It's not too late Ayato-"

"This isn't meant to be y/n, but jut because we can't be together doesn't mean I've stopped loving you"

You held your breath as his words pierced your heart yet again. Your body felt heavy as if you were falling to the deepest darkest trench as you see the light at the end of the tunnel dim.

You tried looking at the peaceful scenery, people gathering around the harbour excitedly and the lantern that floated towards the moon effortlessly, some dissapearing in the vast sky filled with tiny specks of light and some lanterns that failed to fly.

"The moon is beautiful isn't it?"

"It always is."

[thewayitalknj]

Part 3 ;  A continuation from my blurb which can be read here.

Quick Notes - Well, I wanted this to be the final part but I felt it was getting too long so...Enjoy! :)

------

Your baffled. Bewildered. Unbalanced. Because in this moment, you realized, once again ; you are left alone with Eddie.

"What do you mean they left?" You began to walk closer.

"They..." He shrugs. "Left."

"And where did they go, exactly?"

"Dunno."

"Okay Eddie, this isn't making any sense nor do I understand. Why would they leave us..." You grit your teeth. "...alone?"

"Maybe they had some errands to run back in town. They really didn't go into detail."

You step up to the counter, taking a seat across from him. "At 9am?"

He shrugs, again.

"They just said they were going to be out of the house for a few hours."

"How will we know they're safe-"

"I'm sure they'll be fine." This whole situation is odd and off to begin with. Why would you friends leave you alone...AGAIN...after you kindly asked them to STOP?

"Okay, okay fine." You step off your barstool chair and make yourself a cup of coffee, turning to Eddie. "So, what do we do today?"

------

As much as you were annoyed with your friends once again pulling another trick, you were in a way thankful. You've always had this small daydream of spending the day at Lovers Lake with Eddie and now it's happening. Thank your lucky stars.

Hell you were even thankful your alarm woke you up so early. You spent the first part of your morning drinking coffee while watching Saturday Morning Cartoons.

You spent the afternoon swimming, eating lunch by the dock.

By midday afternoon you found yourselves on the kids playground, kicking your legs as your swings took you higher and higher.

"Are you gonna jump?" Eddie yells from your left.

"Only if you do!"

"Alright then. 1....2...3!" You both leapt into the air. You landed on the sand first with Eddie trampling over you, both of you laughing hysterically into the humid air. "We still got it after all these years huh?"

"We sure do." As you look up at him, he looks down at you. Even with the overcast clouds above Eddie's eyes still sparkled with the bit of sunlight left.

You've never been this close in proximity before, it almost feels like time stopped. You both begin to catch your breath as he moves himself closer, and closer and closer. Just as your noses touch, eyes closed, mouths just inches away ; thunder claps across the sky and the rain begins to fall.

"Shit, come on!" Eddie screams as he helps you up, both of you sprinting back to the cabin. As you enter back in you switch on the lights and grab some towels from the spare closet.

"Well that could have been worse." Just then the lights flick a few times and then drown out. You both share a look ; "....I spoke too soon huh?"

"Guess so. Are there any candles in there?"

-------

You lit a few candles, made a makeshift lounge in the middle of the living room filled with blankets and pillows, had cereal for dinner. You thought the almost kiss was long forgotten, that maybe it was just a spur of the moment type thing.

After playing every board game you could find, you now found yourselves playing 2 Truths 1 Lie. Anything to pass the time at this point.

"I feel like it's been forever. What time is it?" You asked, shifting your position.

"It's past 10 now."

"Okay, it's your turn."

"Alright...I stole a cassette tape from Ralph's Record Store-"

"That's true, because it's happened on more than one occasion."

"Okay damn-"

"You're gonna have to try harder than that Munson. I know you too well."

He rolls his eyes as he thinks. "When I was 8 I took in a stray cat and hid it from Wayne until he found her in his laundry. Had to give her up because Wayne swore he was allergic but I think he was lying."

"Hm, what color was the cat?

"Gray, with white on her face."

"Her? So what did you name her?"

"Vixen."

"Ha nice. Okay. One more, what's the last statement?"

Eddie thought to himself, the whole reason everyone left was for him, for you. It was his idea, why would he back out now?

***

--The Night Before--

“Dude, you gotta tell her.”

He knew, he always knew how he felt about you ; and now he feels like a fucking idiot.

"Wait, tell her what?" Steve perks up, looking around the room. Everyone's eyes went from Jonathan to Eddie in an instant. "Oh shit, please tell me he means when I think he means."

Eddie slowly nods his head.

"You're in love with her?" Nancy whispers. He nods again. "Did, anyone know?"

"Just Jonathan and Argyle." Eddie answers, pointing to his friends.

"What?! Why didn't you tell us?!" Robin exclaims. Everyone "SHHHH's" and looks upstairs.

"Because you and Steve can't keep a secret and Nancy would have just told Jonathan anyhow. Argyle just...I just knew he wouldn't tell anyone." He looks down at the floor, ashamed he never said anything in the first place. He should have, they were his friends. But you were his best friend.

Argyle speaks up from the counter while popping in a marshmallow from the pack you threw down earlier, "Yeah and it's been hella hard. I've been rooting for you since we started leaving yall alone together every time we hung out."

That's when Eddie's head shot up. Looking up at his friends, one by one. "And that is exactly what you're going to do."

Everyone looks at him confused. "Do...what?" Robin questions.

"What you always do, leave us alone."

***

You snap your fingers in-front of his face. "Eddie? Hello? You still there? Come on it can't be that hard to think of a third statement-"

"I'm in love with you."

Quick Notes - Part 4...Coming Soon?

Click Here to Read Part 4

[not-magdi]

Personal Physio

Summary: Being Pedri's new physio as the boy has a habit of hurting himself all the damm time

Warnings: none just some light swearing

Words: 1k

A/N

It's a little bit shorter than I wanted it to be but I will be on holiday from tomorrow on and I won't be able to update for a week and I really wanted to finish this today.

After Pedri had spent the better half of the last season on the bench with a torn muscle, at least somewhere, the club decided to put him under special treatment to help maintain his health throughout the season.

As part of the program, he followed a specific diet, underwent special training, and had a personal physiotherapist to oversee his physical health. Or, if you would ask him, a babysitter.

When Xavi told Pedri about his new plan for the season, he tried everything to get Xavi to let the idea of a personal physio go. But he wouldn't budge.

"C'mon, I don't need a babysitter, Xavi. I'm twenty I can look after myself!" he tried to convince him without success.

"Pedri, you're sitting in my office with tape all over your right leg. No, you can't. You're getting someone to look after you. End of discussion."

Rolling his eyes, Pedri left Xavi's office in a sulky mood. He didn't need another person to tell him what to do. He is one of Spain's best players at the moment he knows what he's doing, why does nobody believe him that!?

____________________________________________

Today was the first day after their summer break, and Pedri would meet his new physio. To say he was excited would be a straight-up lie, but he gave up on discussing it with Xavi.

They would meet after their morning session, and Pedri really tried to see the positive side of it all. Even his teammates tried to convince him, their statements weren't even that bad. He just ignored them.

____________________________________________

You, on the other hand, were a nervous mess. When the head coach asked if you would be interested in personal coaching, you were skeptical at first.

You joined barças medical team a few months ago. After being trained by one of the chief physiotherapists you were offered a permanent position after you graduated.

After thinking about it for a bit, you decided to accept, still not knowing what player this is all about.

You got to know most of the players during your training time with a few, you even developed a genuine friendship. Being the same age, you had a lot to talk about, during their physio sessions.

Throughout your training, you and Pedri formed a deep friendship, having the same interests and opinions, You two got along fast. He enjoyed your company, it didn't matter in what mood he was in, he always left your office with a smile.

But then something in your friendship changed. The hugs got longer, the glances got more sensual, and Pedri's heart rate got faster every time he saw you.

After realizing his feelings for you, he tried to ignore them as best as possible, not wanting to destroy the beautiful friendship you two had, and it worked well … until he saw you kiss his teammate behind the training grounds.

He felt his heart break into a million pieces as he saw the way you were looking at him with blushed cheeks and that shy smile he adored so much.

With tears in his eyes, he left training early, stating he didn't feel good. He hid himself in his bedroom that day, ignoring your concerned texts and calls. Every time he saw your name pop up on his phone a new wave of tears ran down his face.

Wanting to protect his broken heart from being destroyed any further he decided the best way to do that was to cut all strings he had from you.

He called Xavi and asked if he could switch physios, blocked you on all his socials, and tried to keep as much distance from you as possible.

Confused and hurt you tried to talk to him and confront him about what happend … which didn't end that well.

It ended in you two screaming at each other in the middle of the parking space.

"Pedri what did I do … please I'm begging you to tell me! I miss you, I miss my best friend"

"We never were best friends! You were just a distraction for me … to keep my mind from football for a bit"

He knew he fucked up when he saw the hurt in your eyes, when he saw the way they teared up and how your shoulders fell.

"Y/N …"

You didn't say anything you just shook your head and left, with tears streaming down your face.

"Hermano what's wrong with you!?" he heard Gavi scold him from behind.

"As if you wouldn't know … you knew I liked her and you still kissed her!"

Looking at him with tears in his eyes, he kept going.

"How could you …"

He left before Pablo could answer, leaving him behind before he could explain himself, driving home as fast as he could, now having lost both of his best friends in one week.

He was never the same after that, only smiling when he had to, distancing himself from everybody. He was the last to come and the first to leave, concerning everybody, friends, teammates, and even his trainers.

You wanted to decline the offer to work at Barça full-time after that, but you decided that nothing and nobody was going to stand between you and your career so you accepted and since then acted like nothing ever happened.

____________________________________________

Now you were standing in Xavi's office, waiting for the mysterious player to come so you could further discuss his treatment plan.

Trying to overplay your nervousness, you acted like you had to do some important things on your phone, but you just mindlessly tapped around opening and closing apps.

You know how much responsibility you were given with this job, being the personal physiotherapist of a player meant you could be the reason for someone's great success, but you could also destroy it if you make one wrong move.

And that fucking terrifies you.

Hearing a knock you shifted your gaze to the door where you saw the person you never wanted to see, ever again.

As Pedri saw you, his expression grew dark, there were at least a million other people he would rather see than you.

"You got to be kidding me …"

"Oh fuck no."

Both of you exclaimed under your breath, not breaking eye contact.

"Ohh so you know each other already?"

…

Part 2?

[foreignswaggersession]

how much time passes in iwtv e1?

i'm convinced episode 1 takes place over only one month and 1-2 days. why? louis has breakfast with his family the morning after threatening paul (aka the morning after lestat finds him). at the table, grace says, "one month til my wedding day..." this is the only firm deadline in this episode, and there's no indication that the wedding date is delayed. the morning after the wedding, paul takes his own life, they have the funeral (i imagine it was either that day or the next - it was 1910 and balmy in new orleans), and lestat turns louis that night.

another key date - lily's death. we learn from miss carol at the fairplay that lily's body was found 2 weeks before paul's funeral. so, the 3L threesome must have taken place at least 2 weeks before paul's funeral. and we know louis avoided lestat after the 3L threesome. so, of the one month time period, louis ignored lestat for at least 2 weeks of that time (and that assumes lestat killed lily immediately after the threesome).

ok so what? well, i keep seeing people claim that louis and lestat spent a lot of time together, even months together, before lestat turned louis. most cite to louis's lines, "it was the fall of 1910," and "it was a cold winter that year, and lestat was my coal fire." i don't agree that these lines supersede grace's line in setting the timeline. one, grace's line is so specific that i believe it's in the script precisely to tell us what timeline we're on: one month from this conversation, there will be a wedding (spoiler alert - there are 2 weddings). two, louis's lines don't completely contradict grace's statement - fall and winter overlap in the same month, so maybe the episode takes place in december? grace's cruise tickets are for february 1911, so a winter wedding makes sense. as a result, i think louis and lestat only dated for maybe 2 weeks.

to me, the drama of loustat arises from their ignorance of each other. they didn't actually know each other before jumping into a intense bond, and they soon realize they have very little in common and actually don't like a lot about each other! but they balance each other - lestat excites louis while louis grounds lestat. i think my assumption of the timeline makes me look sideways at takes that assume louis knew what he was getting into b/c he spent so much time with lestat. i think they went out for a few weeks, had sex ONCE and louis ghosted him for at least 2 weeks. that's why louis wanted to go home the morning after his turning - he had a full life separate from lestat and expected to continue it. lestat was the one obsessed with him, not the other way around.

also, the comparison to heroin was about the bite, not the sex, but that's another conversation.

[beegomess]

Dark Paradise | Theodore Nott

Don’t forget to read the previous chapiters here

Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated🫶🏼

05. How deep is your love?

It was still very early when Y/N arrived at Hogwarts, just trimming somewhere in the black forest, hoping that no one would see it. The huge corridors echoed her steps until she reached the Slytherina communal room while she hoped that there was no one there at this time.

The dark-haired boy finds himself with Y/N in front of the large picture that gave access to his communal. Only one look was necessary for Y/N to understand where Mattheo came from, he had disheveled hair and marks on his neck that delivered him from a tray.

- Good morning. - Mattheo seemed excited, what Y/N was surprised, the boy was not very morning, and finding him awake so early on a Sunday and with a smile was really something atypical.

- Good morning. - She smiles lightly as they enter the environment - Excited night?

- Ah, Y/N. You have no idea. - Mattheo threw himself on the couch and let out a sigh still smiling, the phrase made Y/N's stomach wrap and make a face of disgust.

- Spare me the details, please.

- I think I'm in love, Y/N. Completely in love. - Y/N sits in the front armchair for a black-haired boy and laughs at the last statement.

- Absolutely, Matt. - She joked, provoking a defiant look from him. - So, who is the girl who finally melted this heart of ice of yours?

- Oh, you shouldn't know her.

- Oh, come on. - Y/N leans forward. - Don't underestimate me, I know many girls besides Pansy and Daphne.

- Laila! - the boy called looking at the door and Y/N immediately directed his gaze to the same place.

- Laila? - She responds in disbelief, did Riddle know about Lufana's crush from her roommate.

- That's my name. - The girl found it strange that her name was said a few times. - Is Theodore?

Y/N wasn't understanding anything at that moment, wasn't she the one Mattheo was referring to?

This certainly created a warning signal in your brain.

- We've just arrived, we haven't seen anyone yet. - Mattheo responds with disinterest.

- Can I go up? - She was already heading up to the stairs while asking, actually.

- Of course. - Y/N widened her eyes to Mattheo and became possessed with the girl's free pass in her communal.

- How did she manage to get in?

- I gave her the password a little earlier. - The boy got up and was heading for the stairs.

- Why? - So she decides to follow him.

- I don't know, as she's always with Theo, I saw no reason not to give it.

What do you mean "always"? Y/N wondered if something happened during the short time you were away. Well, if so, Pansy would certainly tell her.

[...]

Dinner seems to have arrived faster than ever, Y/N sat next to Draco, since the brother wanted to know what his weekend at home had been like, although, Y/N paid more attention to Theodore and Laila, who insisted on looking at her with a deadly look from the Hufflepuff table.

- So, how was it? - Draco asks without taking his eyes off the food in front of him.

- Our mother said we should go there more. It wouldn't be all bad, Draco. - she looks at her brother again, she just didn't realize that now Theodore was paying attention to the conversation. - I even had fun.

- Did you have fun at our house? - Draco says with disdain - Well, tell me what you did so much fun then.

- Well, I danced and at night we went to the theater. - Draco rolls his eyes.

- Do you call that fun?

- Ah, Draco, I like to see from the side that I spent more time with our mother, something you should do more. - A brief silence was established for a few seconds, but Y/N soon got excited to say. - I almost forgot. Draco, do you remember Enzo? - And the blue eyes returned to her again with more interest.

- Berkshire?

- Yes, he accompanied me to the theater since our mother had arranged with his parents a certain time ago. - Theodore looked up and began to pay attention also with his eyes, after all, this name was new to him. Well, actually, he vaguely remembered another boy who didn't come to Hogwarts, but it's been so long and this boy was always closer to the Malfoys.

- Wow, I don't think I've seen him since he was 11 years old. - Draco says nostalgic - And did you finally manage to declare yourself to him? - the blonde mocks and Pansy looks up at both of them and approaches.

- To whom did Y/N declare himself? - Pansy had a malicious smile on her lips and interspersed the look between Y/N and Theodore.

- Berkshire. - Draco answers still interested.

- Oh, yes. Wasn't it for him that you had a crush on since childhood? - Parkinson throws firewood on the fire and Y/N just rolls his eyes at the attitude of his brother and friend.

- Of course, don't you know? I even knelt down and proposed to him. - Y/N mocks while laughing, while Theodore is serious.

- I saw him last year at one of the dances I went to with my parents, he is impeccably beautiful, always. - Daphne includes herself in the conversation - He had even asked for you, Y/N. Late message, sorry.

- What did he want? - Draco said now slightly more serious.

- Nothing extraordinary, only if she was with someone. - Daphne laughs, while Y/N widens her eyes and Theodore chokes on the food, drawing all the attention to himself. - Just kidding, he just asked you to send him a letter and that he would like to get closer to you.

- For Merlin, the passion was finally reciprocated. - Pansy had her hands on her mouth in shock.

- Of course not, he has always been much closer to Draco, he just wants to see him again. - Y/N tried to insist on useless work.

- Well, it wasn't for me that he asked. - Draco said messing with the food and with his eyebrows arched.

Y/N gives up responding to the provocations and decides to wait for the matter to die, and really died. The group quickly changed the subject, but Y/N still had many things in his mind and having Theodore's eyes on him did not help. In bed, later that night, she still turned around with her eyes closed, looking for a sleep that came for nothing.

Her mind wandered through the night of the dance and Enzo's flirtations with her during the night before, maybe he was just a normal boy who thought she was very beautiful and tried his luck, nothing out of the ordinary, after all she hadn't done the same with Theodore? A handsome boy by whom she was attracted and let her will speak louder, that's all. Y/N was still trying to compare Theodore with the brief little thing he had with Adrian. With Pucey, there was no feeling other than lust and a slight collegiality for being from the same house, the fact that he was not close to the group was great for her, it was much easier with him because no one really cared.

But with Theodore that wouldn't be possible, everyone seems to mind if that happens. Y/N then fell asleep as soon as he decided that he would totally avoid any flirtation with Nott.

[...]

- And then... - Pansy begins, totally ignoring the fact that they are in Snape's class - Have you ever talked to him about it?

- With him who? - Y/N whispers.

- With the one you were about to finally reach us if it wasn't for my arrival. - Y/N threw a deadly look at her - Would you prefer me to say his name then?

- No. - Y/N was avoiding touching that subject as much as possible, but being evasive seemed to freak out more.

- Wasn't this for the first or second question? - Pansy provokes and Y/N snorts, put things together seconds before the end of the class is announced.

As soon as she left the room, Y/N realized that there were some steps to follow, and because she thought it was Pansy, she just ignored it. Theodore also had his mind loaded with questions and decided to go after her answers, after all, the girl kissed him and simply disappeared and came back without barely looking at him. She climbs the spiral of the Astronomy Tower and realizes that the person does the same.

- Y/N. - That voice, feared by her, made her freeze for a moment. - You walk very fast.

Y/N turned to look at Theodore panting. It was amazing how she really didn't know what to say to him, Theodore was the same way.

- Theo, I don't know and I want to talk about it. - Y/N approaches the parapet and faces the still cold winter landscape. - I'm sorry, I just don't know what to tell you.

- All right, to be honest, I was going to say the same. - He approached and looked at her.

- Did you run after me all over the castle to say that you have nothing to tell me? - Y/N laughs and it relieves the boy's chest, who was afraid that she would move away.

- Well, I just wanted to know if everything was fine between us.

- You've never been close to being bad, Theo. - Y/N smile hugging by the cold and a wide smile opens on Nott's face.

- I heard you say yesterday that you danced again. - Y/N just nodded, but that gave her that Theodore had heard the conversation. - How was it?

- I never stopped, actually. - She smiles and Theodore's eyes shine. - But it will always be just a hobby, nothing more.

- I'm sure you would be the best of all if you let others see more. - Theodore looks away and takes a cigarette taking his mouth.

- Not even if I wanted too much. But I'm already happy for what I have. - She sighs.

He now thought about how beautiful he looked from this angle, in profile, with his lips ajar and his eyes slightly focused on making the cigarette light, covering the tip of this with one hand.

- You should stop smoking, Theodore. - The girl gently removes the cigarette from the boy's lips, who smiles in reaction. - You don't need this to look handsome.

Theodore didn't dispute, he got stuck in the last sentence. Y/N hoped that he would not retruct arguing that she shared that same addiction, but she did it only at a party or when she was extremely stressed and Theodore looked like a maria smoke in her eyes sometimes.

- Should we intervene? - Daphne asks Pansy who was sitting next to her.

From the lawn below, Pansy and Daphne watched Y/N and Theodore looking at each other with a well-known tenderness among passionate people. The smiles and looks denied the statement that they were just childhood friends who have been getting closer.

- No, now let's just let them find out by themselves. - They both smiled.

_______________________________

I hope you're enjoying it...

xoxo, bee✨🫶🏼 next chapter>>>

[all-timelee]

I loved you so much || O.G.

Word count: 820

Warnings: none

Masterlist

"Remember Professor Sharp?"

Ominis' head turns in the direction of your voice, eyebrows raised in surprise at the sudden question. "Yes, of course, but it has been a while since either of us has seen him, hasn't it?"

"It has. Doesn't it all feel like forever ago?"

"Why are you thinking of Hogwarts? Missing classes?" He lightly teases, shifting his body closer to yours on the mattress, instinctively raising his arm to drape around your shoulders as you move to rest your head on his chest. 'We fit so well together', Ominis thought. His arm seemed to be sculpted just for this purpose. He wondered if you felt the same way.

"Definitely not. I'm just thinking," Y/N hums, smiling softly. "You never think about school?" You look up at Ominis, curious blue eyes studying his features.

"I suppose I do. It would be hard not to after our fifth year," he admits, running his fingers through your hair, brushing away some stray strands before tucking them behind your ear. You let out a small sigh. "We met in our fifth year," you mention quietly. The memories were still vivid in both of your minds. "Feeling nostalgic, darling?" Ominis' smile is crooked when he asks. You nod and nuzzle yourself closer into him, pressing soft kisses along his shoulder. It's a little chilly tonight, but Ominis can't find it in himself to mind much, not when he's got you tucking into his side.

"We've grown a lot since then," he adds thoughtfully, stroking your back tenderly with one hand.

"I loved you so much," you speak, the statement coming out quietly. "Obviously, I still do, I seem to love you more and more everyday, but I can't believe how much I loved you back then." Your breath tickles against Ominis' skin. His heart clenches when he hears that.

"I feel the same." Thinking back on it, Ominis couldn't remember a single moment he hadn't been completely enraptured by you. He'd never known he had this much room in his heart for one person until he met you, this is.

"Really?"

"What do you mean 'really'?"

"You've loved me since we were teenagers?"

He chuckles. "Of course I have. Does that come as a surprise to you?" Your fingers reach out to intertwine with his, your shoulders lifting in a small shrug. "I suppose it does a little bit. I thought it was more recent for you. I hadn't realized we felt the same at that time." You give Ominis a gentle squeeze.

He smiled gently, resting his head atop yours.

You two had definitely taken your time in realizing your feelings were reciprocated, but with all the events that had happened in your fifth-year, that was to be expected. Ominis didn't mind much, he had you now, which made everything worth it in the end. He almost thought it was better that it'd taken so long, things were easier now. Ominis had left his family for good, there was no imminent threat for you to face, life was finally simple.

"We got there in the end, didn't we?" An easy smile was resting on his lips and you returned the sentiment. You could agree wholeheartedly with that sentiment. After what you and Ominis went through, how happy the two of you had become, how close the two of you were... it made perfect sense for everything to work out the way it had.

"I just feel like we lost so much time. So much time we could've spent exactly as we are now." You rolled onto your stomach, hands gently moving to cup the blonde boy's face. "I plan on spending the rest of my life making up for lost time," you declared.

Ominis' breath caught in his throat. The suggestion that this was going to last the rest of your lives caught him off guard. His heart began pounding a little harder, his hands moving to rest on your hips. "I should hope so," he finally responded, his warm breath fanning over your cheeks. "There's nothing I could ever want more."

"I don't know that I'll ever understand how I got so lucky." There was fondness laced throughout your words, as if you knew how rare and precious it was to have someone as special as Ominis. "You're not as lucky as I am, my love." He opened his mouth once more to whisper those three little words, but you cut him off, pressing your lips to his gingerly. Ominis quickly swallowed his words and responded to your affection, kissing you back with equal passion.

When you parted a minute later, your faces remain close to one another's, your hands still holding his face. "I love you, Ominis."

It's as if Ominis feels the words as they leave your mouth. It's in his pulse, those words are the reason he has a pulse.

"I love you too, Y/N."

[mypulisicz]

sparks fly - christian pulisic

you're the kind of reckless that should send me running

summary - after not ever being in love y/n finds herself tangled up in a situation with a certain american footballer.

pairing - christian pulisic x fem!reader

song inso - sparks fly (taylor swift)

warnings! - language, mention of being drunk and alcohol

word count - 1.6k

note - this is my first fic back from my hiatus and my first pic on this new account and i am more than excited to share this with you. missed u guys xx

-

he sat there. still.

"jamie, i'm so sorry... i just... i don't know.."

"don't what?! don't love me? y/n, a whole fucking year together and you tell me you don't feel anything?! what do you expect me to say to that? this is fucking bullshit!"

you sat there. still.

you knew that jamie always loved you more than anything, ad in your defense you thought you loved him too, but as time went on and the more time you spent with him the more you realized you never truly loved him, at least not the way you thought he deserved to be loved.

"whatever, y/n. i'm fucking leaving"

gone. another relationship gone.

you couldn't process your thoughts.

you knew what you did was wrong, but you still couldn't believe what happened.

why couldn't you love people? why did every relationship you've had feel meaningless? why do you still try to date people?

the second you got in your car to leave the restaurant you started crying. you felt bad for jamie but you also felt bad for yourself.

you always tried so hard to love, to feel something that could only be described as irrevocable admiration and not just being infatuated with someone for a short period of time.

𖤐

a few weeks went by and you were doing better.

as cliche as it sounds, you had been working on yourself and just getting back to be afloat mentally.

in fact, you had gotten an invitation to a party your friend mason was throwing.

you didn't know if you were going to go or not. mason is a football player and his social crowd is much different from yours.

after thinking about it, you thought you would go. it would be nice to get out for a weekend and just let loose a little.

𖤐

the night of the party finally came and you were feeling good. you felt confident. you felt pretty. and you felt ready to just have a good time.

you pulled up to mason's house and the house was booming with music and lit up by bright LED lights from every angle inside and outside the house.

one thing about mason is that he takes throwing a party to heart as if its his job.

if it were his job he would be getting a promotion every party because holy shit.

usually you would get just a little overwhelmed and anxious about the scene, but tonight it made you excited and it filled you with adrenaline. you made your way to the door. you first wanted to find mason and just thank him for the invite and let him know you were here.

you walked into the house and was immediately met with a giant crowd of people, and soon realized that your mission of finding mason was going to be a lot harder than you thought.

after looking for a good 10, 15 minutes you decided to give up for a little and grab some food.

there were surprisingly not that many people near the food table, so you took advantage of that to grab as much food as possible.just as you were about to leave to table, a guy who looked oddly familiar walked up.

"hungry? me too."

as lame as the comment was, you giggled a little.

"just a little"

you two exchanged awkward smiles, and you thought it would end there, but the man broke the silence with an even lamer statement.

"so, what's your favorite fruit?"

maybe it wasn't lame, but it was certainly... interesting?

"hmmm maybe an apple. they are never not good, y'know?

"yeah i totally agree..... i'm christian by the way"

"i'm y/n"

"nice to meet you, y/n"

"nice to meet you, christian"

𖤐

you spent the next hour talking to strangers and dancing. you were enjoying yourself way more than you thought you would. you did in fact find mason and you two talked for a good 20 minutes.

while you were talking to people the same guy, christian, came up to talk.

"hey stranger"

it was an ironic statement because you were, in fact, strangers.

"christian! how've you been?" one of the guys said.

from then on you just watched the conversation. it was interesting getting to know more about christian, and everyone in that group.

some more time went by and mason found his way over to you and the people you were talking to.

"oi chris, i see you met y/n"

"what's up. and yeah. she's great."

"is christian here being a dick to you or trying to start something?"

christian rolled his eyes as you sat there and let out a small chuckle.

𖤐

the party went on for a few more hours, and you were more than tired. you were very drunk and ready to just go home and get in bed.

you said goodbye to mason and the people you had met throughout the night, including christian, but right as you were about to leave you realized you couldn't drive. you were very much not sober.

"hey mase, i hate to ask you this but could you maybe drive me home, i've had way too much to drink and can't drive. not like this"

"yeah of course!"

as mass grabbed his keys christian walked up to the door to grab his jacket and disown keys.

"i thought you left?"

"yeah, well, i'm way too drunk to drive home so mason is giving me a ride."

"well i'm leaving now if you want me to just drive you home. if that's fine with you of course"

"um, yeah, sure, that's actually great, thanks!"

you got in christians car and were immediately meet with a surprising absence of awkwardness, as if you were already friends with christian.

"so where to ya live? in a non creepy way. i realize how weird that sounds to ask"

you let out a chuckle and told him where you lived and he started driving.

you two talked the entire way to your house. you had assumed he was one of masons teammates, but christian said he did in fact play for chelsea with mason. you also found out that you two had a lot in common. you both liked the same music, rap and country, which he found odd that an english girl liked country, and that you both had a bit of an obsession with chipotle. christian was also surprised to find out that you were part american. well, your dad was american, so it wasn't really that important or interesting, but christian thought it was wild.

when you finally got to your house you felt a wave of disappointment. you really enjoyed talking to christian. it was like you two had been friends for years. at least, that's how it felt.

"this might be weird to ask, but do you wanna come in?"

"sure"

christian smiled and walked in through the door, making you blush.

you fixed the both of you some microwavable taquitos and sat on the couch. you were watching a show, but not really watching it. you and christian talked for what felt like hours.

by this point you had sobered up quite a bit and you could finally start remembering the night as more than just a blur.

then it hit you that you were in your living room, eating taquitos, watching love island, with christian pulisic, who is your friend masons teammate.... and it wasn't awkward or weird.

one thing lead to another and the next thing you know, you and christian were all over each other.

there were these exploding, bright, but heavy fireworks going off between you. it was something you never felt before.

the two of you broke the kiss at the same, both gasping for air while simultaneously giggling.

you kept on thinking

holy fuck he's a good kisser.

𖤐

the next few weeks went by and you had gone on multiple dates with christian, and spent multiple nights at his house, and visa-versa.

you two had started to develop something more than just hookups and more of a relationship.

christian had invited you over to his house, which wasn't abnormal, so you didn't feel the need to get super dressed up. you but on some jeans, a sweater, and then did your hair and makeup. you then headed over to his house. christian greeted you with a kiss and wrapped his arm around your waist.

"you look good"

"thanks you too"

the two of you walked to his living room, and before being able to do or say anything, christian spoke.

"y/n, what are we?"

"huh?"

"are we just a casual thing, or are we more, because its been driving e crazy. i don't want to overwhelm you with this question, but if you don't mind, i would like an answer"

you sat there and smiled. you had been waiting for this conversation. you had been thinking the same thing, and where you didn't have a problem with being casual if that's what christian wanted, you did want to be more than just hookups and dates. you had felt something with him you hadn't felt with anyone else, including jaime.

"oh christian... i have been wanting to talk about this for a long time too"

"so? what are we?"

he moved closer to you. you moved closer to him.

faces just centimeters apart, both of you being able to feel and hear each others breathing.

"i want to be together. for real. i want to be fully with you, christian"

christian placed his hand on your cheek and moved his eyes from your eyes to your lips.

"i have never agreed with anything more in my life"

christian then placed his lips on yours in a gentle, yet eager way.

it was like you could almost see see the sparks fly.

[rebeccadumaurier]

will martha wells dare to imagine the end of capitalism? and other thoughts on system collapse (and the rest of the murderbot diaries)

I'm writing this post because the wait for System Collapse is killing me and I need something to do. These are not so much predictions of specific, concrete events—I am terrible at predictions and bad with plot—so much as exploring existing thematic arcs in the series and tracing them to what I think are their natural ends. (Also, this post uses "bot" and "construct" interchangeably because I'm lazy. Sorry, MB.)

Some points I think the rest of the series (SC and onwards) may hit on:

Further development, and let's say "stress testing," of ART and Murderbot's relationship, and bot/construct relationships in general

Every day I go insane about this conversation MB has with ART early in Artificial Condition, which is not very subtle foreshadowing:

[ART said], My crew always considers me trustworthy. I shouldn’t have let it watch all those episodes of Worldhoppers. “I’m not your crew. I’m not a human. I’m a construct. Constructs and bots can’t trust each other.” It was quiet for ten precious seconds, though I could tell from the spike in its feed activity it was doing something. I realized it must be searching its databases, looking for a way to refute my statement. Then it said, Why not? I had spent so much time pretending to be patient with humans asking stupid questions. I should have more self-control than this. “Because we both have to follow human orders. A human could tell you to purge my memory. A human could tell me to destroy your systems.” I thought it would argue that I couldn’t possibly hurt it, which would derail the whole conversation. But it said, There are no humans here now.

But in the future there will be humans who could tell ART to do something undesirable to MB (technically, NE already did this to some extent, but it didn't fully address the issue). Artificial Condition in fact explicitly notes ART doesn't have a refutation to that particular argument, and that's why they can't trust each other. We get some initial glimpses in Network Effect of this—ART makes its own decision to save Murderbot, and thankfully its crew agrees with the plan, but we can't expect ART and its crew to be in agreement forever.

Frankly, a lot of ART's plans seem to rely on either (1) its humans / the people in charge of it agreeing with it or (2) them not being around to disagree, which is going to be a problem sooner or later, especially as Murderbot's view of humans is not as ... positive as ART's. Network Effect dances around this problem because both the Preservation people and ART's crew are good people who largely support ART and MB in their decisions, but I don't think that will always be the case.

(Side note: I am once again thinking of Murderbot's surprise that Don Abene allowed Miki to override her orders in Rogue Protocol, and the bot spectrum of "cannot disobey orders literally ever" (like SecUnits) to "can disobey orders in the right circumstances" (like Miki) to "can mostly just do whatever but ultimately bots still have their programming" and how MB views ART's place on that spectrum. Also I am once again begging Murderbot to please reflect more on Miki's death, but given its current level of emotional repression, I am not optimistic about this.)

Leading me to my next point—

The question of ownership, independence, and property in the Murderbot universe

As Murderbot has mentioned various times, the people of Preservation call themselves "guardians" of bots rather than owners, but it's still very much ownership (and MB is right to point this out and express discomfort about it). MB knows it's fortunate that its owner—sorry, guardian, Mensah, allows it a ton of freedom, but legally, MB is still Mensah's property. Mensah's approach is a single, individual band-aid in that it may (for now) allow MB to live a life more or less of its choosing, but it doesn't address the larger systematic issue that actually, owning these bots is fucked up and many people exploit the bots they own, including people who think that they're already being incredibly generous and goodhearted simply by not abusing bots. (I'd need to go back and review, but I got the latter vibe from many of the Preservation bot owners in Fugitive Telemetry.)

Martha Wells seems like she will address this larger issue later. I don't know how, but I'm sure "Murderbot gets dragged into it and has to *gasp* talk about its feelings" will happen somehow, since that recurs frequently.

What healing from trauma looks like for a bot/construct

Dr. Bharadwaj has already suggested that Murderbot could use therapy ("trauma treatment" but like ... sounds like it's therapy combined with some other self care / community care strategies), and Murderbot is not subtle about its whole "I have been through many horrific things but I will pretend it's totally fine and not a big deal" coping strategy. I'd be interested to see what role ART plays in this—it's quite scarred from the events of Network Effect, will need to heal, and is unlikely to do the "yeah whatever that's just what my life is like" strategy MB adopted, because that's not what its life is like.

(Side note: in NE, MB says being taken over by targetControlSystem "would be like having a governor module again. No, not again. Never again." To MB, the loss of control ART experienced is similar to what MB's life was like every day until it hacked its module. I'M SO. 😭)

But therapy for a bot would look very different from therapy for a human, and I'm doubtful there's any therapists out there equipped to handle it. The "nicest" humans, if you will, seem to be the PreservationAux citizens, and they still have a long way to go on their understanding of bots. Also, much like in real life, therapy is not a cure-all for everything and there's a lot of terrible therapists, issues with psychiatry, etc. I will not get into—so I'm not actually saying that Bhadwaraj's idea of "trauma treatment" is the specific route MB will take to heal, I'm just curious what it's gonna take to get it to open up and be willingly emotionally vulnerable.

Who is Murderbot outside its day job? (aka its hypercompetence with regard to security)

One of Murderbot's defining traits is that it's an incredibly competent person, even when (often especially when) surrounded by much less competent people. The Goodreads blurb for System Collapse implies this won't always be the case:

But there’s something wrong with Murderbot; it isn’t running within normal operational parameters. ART’s crew and the humans from Preservation are doing everything they can to protect the colonists, but with Barish-Estranza’s SecUnit-heavy persuasion teams, they’re going to have to hope Murderbot figures out what’s wrong with itself, and fast!

My first reaction is: "hey, why is Murderbot the only one who has to figure that out?!" (Not that I think ART or the humans are jerks who don't care about its problems or don't want to help; I think Murderbot has trouble asking for help or even imagining people want to help it, e.g. its assumption in NE everyone just left it behind to die when it was captured.) The inherent question with characters who define themselves through their hypercompetence at something is: who do they become when they can no longer rely on that? (For example, who is a star athlete when they get a permanent injury? Who is a brilliant painter when they go blind? etc.)

ART already had to grapple with that to some extent when it lost control of itself in NE and couldn't rely on itself or its crew, so it resorted to kidnapping MB to fix the problem. But that doesn't deal with the larger identity crisis / struggle for self-definition at play, which is essentially: Who is Murderbot when it's not useful, when it's not able to do what it was created to do?

Speaking of which, this is very relevant to my title question—

Will we see Martha Wells envision the end of capitalism???

The Murderbot Diaries is the story of a single bot and its friends / enemies / etc., and I'm perfectly happy if it stays that way and focuses on MB's internal journey. But Martha Wells seems like an ambitious enough author to imagine wider solutions to the problems that plague the Murderbot universe, which is namely that corporations are evil. If corporations were not so evil, we wouldn't have our corporation-hating traumatized-by-corporations created-by-a-corporation-and-struggling-with-it protagonist. There's indentured servants in Rogue Protocol. There is literally a space version of the Underground Railroad in Fugitive Telemetry. It is impossible to understand this series without understanding that it is a very, very vicious critique of capitalism, and without this critique laying out its foundations, we would not have most of its characters, including Murderbot itself. Preservation is already a first step in that it seems to be some sort of utopian commune devoid of corporations or privatization—which is a huge step in itself, that Wells envisions a world devoid of capitalism—but it's one small (and still imperfect, re: earlier discussion of treatment of bots) planet in a large, dysfunctional universe.

So far the series has been Murderbot dealing with individual evil corporations (GrayCris, Barish-Estranza, etc), but mainly in the context of one crisis at a time, with regard to saving only its friends / clients. (It's fine with leaving Eletra to Barish-Estranza in NE, for example.) I do not think Murderbot will singlehandedly destroy capitalism or that its goal is to do so—it's not a fix-everything save-everyone hero, no one is, one of the points of the series is that you should not attempt everything alone—but this series has done plenty of exploration of the evils of capitalism; I would like to see Martha Wells explore how we could end it.

[lady0ctavia]

As We Ponder Belief

(2p!Prussia x Reader) - Chapter 22

Note: This story is based vaguely during the mid 1200s in Eastern Europe where the Teutonic Knights fought the Northern Crusades to try and convert the native pagan population to Christianity. As a result, this story will have heavy religious themes all throughout. It should also be noted that, while referencing real-life events and locations, I am not striving for full historical accuracy. This is for the sake of the story I am telling.

Once again, this series will have heavy religious themes throughout, including discussions of bible stories, doctrine, and scripture verses, as well as critical analysis of Christian doctrine and beliefs. So, if you don't like that, you will want to skip out on this.

Also, note that we are now going into a pagan village. I wasn't able to find much good information on how they function and are laid out, so much of this is going to be derived from what little information I could find combined with my own ideas.

As the day wore on, (y/n) and Adeline spent hours doing chores together and catching up on everything that had happened while apart. They reminisced about days long past from their little village, all the jokes they'd tell, and the adventures they'd have before everything changed.

Currently, both young women found themselves sitting by a river doing laundry, the sound of children playing in the distance, splashing in the water downstream. (y/n) was casually scrubbing away at some stubborn grass stains in her red dress. Meanwhile, Adeline did the same with one of her husband's shirts. She was attempting to scrub out a bloodstain he had acquired on one of his last hunting trips. One where he found himself tumbling into a ditch. As Adeline told the story of her husband's nearly-failed hunting expedition, she smiled fondly.

"I love him, but he can be so clumsy when he isn't careful," She thoughtfully ran a thumb over the stain before returning to her work. As she did so, (y/n) looked up from hers.

"Adeline, why do you love Tolys?"

"I beg your pardon?" Adeline sounded confused.

"I do not mean to sound rude, I just... These pagans are the ones who attacked our village. They murdered everyone, our parents included. How were you able to find someone to love here? I just don't understand."

Adeline, who arguably would have every right to find offense in this statement, didn't. Instead, she looked on at her friend with a deep understanding in her eyes.

"Your confusion makes sense. I think what helped me was realizing not everyone here was like that. And that Tolys in particular was nothing like the men who attacked our village," She explained. "Tolys is not a warrior so much as he is a hunter. Rather than going out fighting, he makes sure people are fed. Not to mention he's one of the kindest people I have ever met.

"When I was brought here and put to work, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen to me, even after I began my work with the children. Then I met Tolys. He was kind. Patient. He looked out for me and defended me at every turn. He was my arm to lean on, my shoulder to cry on. Someone who'd lift me up every time I fell. Through him, I learned the language and traditions of the land. And it was through him that, even though I was still in pain from losing all I had ever known, I discovered I could still find happiness. Joy. Peace."

(y/n) took in her words, amazed at what she said. She's found such peace and happiness through this one man. We have both been through Hell, yet she was able to find something through it all. I suppose I am the same.

"I see. That makes sense. I went through something similar at Malbork Fortress," (y/n) admitted, a fond smile crossing her face as a particular knight came to mind.

"Oh? Do tell?" Adeline tilted her head, curious about what her friend had to say. A smirk then crawled across her face. "Tell me, did you fall in love too?" She teased.

(y/n) couldn't speak, her face going bright, berry-red at the question. Adeline's jaw practically hit the ground and she set aside the shirt she was washing along with (y/n).

"Oh my!" She put a hand up to her mouth.

"Oh, shut up," (y/n) splashed a little bit of water onto her.

"Well, did you?" She laughed heartily. (y/n) began to shift uncomfortably where she sat.

"I suppose so," Her voice began to shake, awkwardness taking over. "So um, you remember the knights who used to guard our village, right?"

She nodded enthusiastically.

"Do you remember the one you teased me about? The albino?"

"Aahhh!" She squealed before the reality of the situation hit her. "Wait, he's a knight. (y/n), you fell in love with a Teutonic Knight?! You know about their vows, right?"

"Of course I do! And if I remember correctly, I had to have this same conversation with you every time you flirted with one of them!"

"Guilty!" She shrugged. "But to be fair, I was only messing around. You actually fell in love with one of them?"

(y/n) sighed, her mood beginning to dampen. "Just my luck, huh? The first time I had ever fallen in love, and it had to be with someone who could not return my affections because of his duty to God. Not that he would have felt the same way for me." Her thoughts turned to how Gillen had been treating her for the past couple of weeks. How distant he had become. She felt her heart begin to ache.

"If you don't mind me asking, what was he like? This knight of yours?" Adeline inquired.

(y/n) gave her friend an odd look.

"I... Sorry, never mind. That was insensitive of me."

"No worries, you are fine. I don't mind it." (y/n) sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She looked off across the running water, allowing the memories to take over. "His name is Gillen Beilschmidt. He's not only a knight there at the fortress but is a doctor as well. And a highly skilled one at that. He was the one who treated my injuries when I first arrived at the fortress. He treated me for several weeks before I began training alongside him as a nurse. He was very quiet at first but was deeply respectful. He made it a point to prioritize my comfort and privacy, especially in a fort of only men. He was exceedingly gentle with me, as well as kind. Though I will admit, a little stubborn. We ended up butting heads a few times when talking about religion, but we managed to work it out, more or less.

"He's also quite funny. I never knew someone who could make nursing comedic, yet somehow, he accomplished that. He looked out for me, made me smile," Unconsciously, (y/n) brought up her hands to her arms, hugging herself. The ache within her began to worsen. "I felt safe with him. He is also quite talented in sword fighting. I have seen him duel before. He moved with such grace and skill. And while I could see he enjoyed it, I understood that his desires lay in the medical field. Among his books and herbs. Watching him work was amazing. So focused and knowledgeable. I could work alongside him for hours."

"(y/n)," Adeline called her friend's name softly, tenderly caressing her face with her hand, catching tears.

Strange, I didn't realize I had started crying.

"But that is gone now. I am no longer at the fortress. And even if I was, the captain wanted me to go somewhere else. And besides," She could feel even more tears coming. "He hardly talked to me for the last couple of weeks. It was as if he had just, I don't know. Perhaps he knew what was coming and didn't want to make it difficult." Tears began pouring from her eyes, and Adeline moved to wrap an arm around her. (y/n) finally began to break down, crying into her friend's shoulder. The ache had become too much to bear.

"You really do love him, don't you?" Adeline's voice was kind and sympathetic.

"I do" (y/n) sniffled and choked on her words. "For goodness sake, what is wrong with me?! All I want is to have him by my side. But what's the point when I know he'd never want me how I want him?" Gillen, I love you. You don't know it, you probably don't even care, but I love you.

She continued to cry, her heart shattering with every tear. As she mourned, another thought came to her mind.

"And now I'm going to be married off, aren't I?" (y/n) looked to Adeline. "You told me that the chieftain wants his men to marry women and bear them children, is that right? You were married off here in the span of a few weeks."

Adeline didn't say anything at first, only biting her lip. She knew all too well that nothing she said would help. She took a deep breath as if preparing to choose her next words carefully.

"You are right. If anything, I would not be surprised if the chieftain is seeking to arrange a potential match for you as you speak. I would wager that sometime in the next few days, you will be called into his quarters."

"How would that go?" (y/n) asked raggedly, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Before Adeline could answer, the young women looked up and saw a few men walking toward them from down the river. Their faces were gaunt and serious, appearing almost like warriors. Their presence sent shivers up (y/n)'s spine.

"I suppose you are about to find out." 

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

Okay Gillen, where are you? Your girl needs you! As always, let me know your thoughts!

[zoeywhumps]

NIGHTFALL : Chapter One

(A new story I'm working on!)

A knock on Nyx's door startled her in the middle of the night, as she prepared a midnight snack of two double chocolate chip cookies.

"It's almost 3 am. Who the hell has the audacity?" Nyx snapped to no one in particular. She already knew the answer. It could only be the one person who had managed to figure out her home address- Skyfall. The one who had, for some reason, not betrayed it yet, despite having every reason to.

Her longtime rival.

She strode towards the door unarmed. Nightmare didn't need weapons to be lethal. Her brown and white hair was a mess, tied back in a quick bun, and she was wearing only a t-shirt and pajama shorts, but she was confident. Perhaps overconfident, in retrospect.

Nyx opened the door.

A huddled woman was crouched by the entryway, blood soaking her pale pink shirt, deep cuts across her arms, a vacant and dazed look in her eyes.

Nightmare loomed over Skyfall with disbelief.

"What happened." It was a statement she didn't expect an answer to as she scooped her enemy up in her arms quickly and brought her inside the house, locking the door behind her.

"I didn't... know where else... to go." The blonde said shakily, tears collecting in her emerald green eyes.

"Stay there." She ordered, as she deposited the woman onto a comfy leather couch, draped a soft fleece blanket onto her despite knowing it would become bloody in a matter of seconds, and rushed off to get her first aid kit.

Nightmare ran back over to Skyfall, pulling the blanket down to her waist and using scissors to cut her shirt apart, revealing a gaping knife wound across her chest.

"Shit. That's deep." She inhaled sharply. "You'd better bite your tongue, my painkillers won't do shit for this." She said even as she injected Skyfall with them.

"Please," Skyfall struggled underneath her, whimpering and trying to get free.

"I'm helping you, dumbass." Nyx said firmly, taking out the needle and sutures.

"...Oh."

"What'd you think I was doing?" She said. "Nevermind, be quiet now or you'll fuck yourself up even more" Nightmare leaned down, knees hard against the wood floor, and began to stitch up the injury.

"O-ow, mmnh-" Skyfall did as Nyx had asked and bit her tongue, closing her eyes tightly.

"Good girl," she said, focusing all of her energy into helping her enemy, to the point where she almost forgot to breathe.

They stayed like that for a while as Nightmare finally patched up the wound, and then wrapped bandages tightly around it so that it'd be harder for it to come undone. Next, she worked on the cuts on Skyfall's arms, some needing stitches and some not. Around halfway through, the hero had passed out, breathing shallowly.

Nightmare released a string of curses under her breath once she realized how much blood Skyfall had shed all over her couch while she was working.

"Right, you're damn lucky I'm O negative." She got out her IV and started to connect her own hand to Skyfall's. Her blood flowed through the thin tube into the blonde's body, and Nightmare sighed.

"Why am I doing this?" She grumbled to herself, but didn't stop until she started to feel lightheaded, quickly severing the connection and covering up both of the nicked areas with bandages.

Nyx spent over an hour cleaning up the damn couch, power washing the blanket in desperation- it had been one of her favorites, yet she had thrown it over her worst enemy without hesitation, without question- and moving Skyfall into the guest bedroom.

She sat down on the stool next to the bed where her nemesis laid, and that was where she stayed until morning, when Skyfall finally stirred.

Even like this, she was beautiful, her tangled sandy blonde hair nearly covering one eye, her strawberry earrings askew, wearing nothing but bandages and leggings. Nightmare had wiped most of the blood off of her the best she could, but smears still remained across her torso.

"Who." Nightmare said simply.

Skyfall looked up at her, her forest-green eyes wide and confused.

"Who did this?" Her tone had a hard edge to it, a dangerous and volatile undertone.

"...Fallen Angel." Skyfall said finally, not meeting Nightmare's eyes, as if she was embarrassed. Whether that was of being beaten, or of coming to her enemy for help, Nightmare couldn't tell. She suspected it was both.

"I'll handle her." She told the injured woman firmly. Skyfall's eyes lit up with fear dancing like flames.

"Nightmare, I-"

"You stay here. Rest."

And she left, locking Skyfall in- just as much to keep others out as to keep her enemy in, even though she doubted that Skyfall could even stand, it was a habit to not underestimate her.

As she got dressed in her black and gold ensemble, her thoughts were racing. She couldn't fathom what she was even thinking, letting Skyfall of all people into her house, almost welcoming her!

Skyfall would leave. As soon as she was able to walk. This was just a one time thing. This was only because Nightmare was the only one who could beat up her arch rival.

...Right?

[ladykibutsuji]

Muichiro x Reader

"If he doesn't want you, I do."

Modern AU | FLUFF | Aged up muichiro

MUICHIRO WITH DRUNK READER

|Muichiro's personality is his current one in the anime but have a soft spot for his brother and reader (you)|

For years, you kept on chasing this guy from your class who's know to be charismatic though he can get mean at times but it looks like fate had other plans.

You planned to invite him on your party, a celebration for graduation unfortunately he wasn't interested but this didn't stop you from having fun with your girlfriends so you decided to drink something strong with them to keep your thoughts away Celebrate your graduation

"Cheers to L/N Y/N for finishing college!"

Mitsuri said as she raised her glass and they clinked their glasses all together, After that they all together drank the liquid inside.

Kanae then put her hand on her mouth after tasting that the alcohol inside was too strong for her taste and asked you in a concerned tone "My, My. I must say that this is a strong drink, are you sure you can handle this Y/N-san?" You gave her a smile and assured her that you can handle it this is nothing compared to the years I spent chasing him "Yes I can handle it I always wanted to try something strong y'know" Kanae then just gave her a slight nod as they continued drinking, talking, eating and singing with the others.

After a few drinks, they all talked about their love life and you were the most quiet one in the room the topic is pretty shit lame, shinobu noticed this and decided to ask you if you were okay "Oh? Y/N-san you seem a little too quiet are you okay? You can't be sad right now since you just finished college! C'mon put up a smile" shinobu then walked towards you trying to force a smile on your face, you were a little drunk by now and just decided to put on a fake smile for them not to worry about you.

"I don't think she can relate to the topic just yet, judging she doesn't have a boyfriend." The girl with pig tails stated while she was eating her favorite snacks with kanao who just nodded at the girl's statement.

Mitsuri and kanae gasped at this "You don't have a boyfriend yet?!" They spoke in a sync. Shinobu just had a shock expression "So that's why you avoid talking about love life "

You then tried to defend yourself "You know I'm too busy for that! He choosed my best friend" You made up an excuse even though you just got rejected by the guy in your class who have a long black hair that fades to mint green, he always seems mad when you try to talk to him and not only that he rejected you harshly too.

"We understand that you are busy but sometimes.." kanae paused and took a sip of her drink "We all need someone to be there for us." Mitsuri and shinobu nodded at kanae's words, Aoi then looked over at kanao "tanjiro-kun have a lot of friends right? Why don't you try introducing som-" you then interrupted at the thoughts of being set up with someone "no need!" You don't really like those kind of blind dates or set up things you really are really more into destiny and believes that waiting and patience is the key.

Aoi just slightly nodded and to lighten up the mood, you all just talked about another topic instead and continued on drinking. Aoi and kanao didn't drink as much as you and the others did so they didn't really got drunk only you, kanae, mitsuri and shinobu got extremely drunk.

Shinobu got so drunk that she ended up hugging you and crying about her pet gold fish that just died, kanae was opening up to Aoi and kanao about her sweet moments with her boyfriend, mitsuri was clinging to you while at the same time chatting her boyfriend and you thinking about when your love life will begin.

"oHh~ I forgooooot to m3ntion!" Said the pink hair girl "my snake guy wi- hiccup will be picking me up soon!" The girls then giggled seeing mitsuri's state and said that they will be also accompanied by their boyfriends. Kanao then realized that you have no one to pick you up so she decided to offer you some company.

"Y/N-san, do you want to go along with me and tanjiro-kun? It's dangerous for you to be out there.." said kanao nervously, she was still pretty shy despite knowing the girls for years. You then just declined the offer and said that you can walk yourself even though the girls insisted you didn't give in because you don't wanna be a third wheel

After an hour the fun had ended, the guys showed up one by one and of course you are jealous for being the only one without a significant other. You were left alone with mitsuri at the karaoke room and she was waiting for her snake boyfriend to arrive so you started a conversation with her while her boyfriend isn't there yet since it was pretty boring and she wanted to entertain herself for a while unfortunately it didn't take too long for him to arrive. After a knock was heard you sighed and mitsuri kissed you on the cheeks waving goodbye, her snake boyfriend gave you a death glare. what's up with this guy he's fucking weird

"keep your girlfriend in check because the next time I see her she's mine!" I teased him and he looks like he was about to explode while mitsuri was giggling

You decided to stay for a few more minutes because your head was hurting, and when you were just about to leave you noticed something, mitsuri's wallet was on the couch

You took the wallet and was planning on returning it to tomorrow. You sighed and thought that you should gave mitsuri a lecture when you meet her since if it wasn't for you who saw this another person would definitely steal money from it.

you then tried to walk but failed you instead dropped on your knees and was having a hard time to walk due to your vision being blurry and your head hurting. You were too dizzy to move and a thought came across your mind Why do they found the love of their life while I'm here suffering how unfair is it?

"FUCK YOU YUICHIRO CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED ALL MY COLLEGE YEARS ON YOU! I can't believe it you fooled me with your promises." You yelled while still on the ground and you started crying, tears of regret on how blind you were. You literally did everything for him and be there for him but all he did was push you away where did you go wrong? After that you covered your face and kept on questioning yourself why did you even liked him?

A hand was then placed on your head "Are you alright ma'am?" This voice... it's too familiar isn't it? You slowly looked up and you saw his long black hair that fades to mint green "YU-YUI? How did you find me? Get out of here!" you mistaken this poor guy for yuichiro and slapped him out of rage he seemed so confused and lost. He then hold the part you slapped "I'm sorry for interrupting you but I'm not yuichiro, My name is Muichiro Tokito." You being drunk still couldn't care less and proceeded to tell him how much you hate yuichiro and you still think that he is yuichiro.

"I actually just came here to retrieve a item that my friend's girlfriend lost but looking at your condition...It is indeed dangerous for a girl like you to walk outside at this hour so please let me accompany you, Also My brother Yuichiro is sometimes a bit mean but he is also a good guy so please calm down." The guy said as he helped you get up, your shoulders was placed on his while he held your waist for support. Even at your drunken state you couldn't help but realize how cute he was and how he was being such a gentlemen he was way better than his brother.

He then placed you on his car's front seat and he sat in the driver's seat. He then asked you where you lived and you didn't even answered him instead you kept on saying the most random things ever "Y'know your brother, I feel like he just needs a sympathetic pat...." You paused "on the head. . . With a hammer" muichiro then just looked at you "ma'am where do you li-"

"you are way better than your brother I'd marry you if I have the chance."

Muichiro was caught off guard by what you said and heat rise up his cheeks "yo-you are drunk ma'am." He gulped.

"I might be drunk but trust me Moihiro, I always mean every single word I said." Muichiro then raised an eyebrow at you in confusion "it's mui-chi-ro ma'am"

"Okay maichiro!" Muichiro then just sighed and chuckled, his chuckles caused your heart to beat fast so you immediately looked away "you should marry me"

"what?"

"marry me"

Muichiro was dumfounded as he was driving, he then turned over to the clock on his car and sighed "I can let you stay in my house if you want if not just tell me your address so I can drive you th-" You then cried and cried out randomly mentioning about yuichiro again and muichiro listened even though you weren't answering his question or even listening to him at all.

"they say ice cream is therapy maybe ice cream would really make me happy maybe it will even make me move on from yui!" You said while hope filled your eyes, muichiro handed you a handkerchief and you took it wiping your tears. "Well I guess I'll buy you ice cream if that's what will shut you up."

Muichiro then drive-thru McDonald's and got you a mcflurry and some other sort of ice creams, you happily ate them all up and muichiro was basically cleaning all your mess since you were still drunk and out of your mind so you ate so messingly.

"My name is y/n, but I'd prefer it if you call me love!" Muichiro then decided to go along with your jokes "Okay, love is it then."

You happily hugged him and he scolded you "Oi, I'm driving right now". after a non stop ranting to muichiro you basically fall asleep in his car. It took 30 minutes of driving for him to arrive to his house he tried waking you up but you weren't budging so he carried you bridal style. He then placed you on his bedroom and covered you with his warm blanket as you were sleeping soundly.

"muichiro, what is she doing here?" The older brother was in the door standing, "Oh brother, I just took her in since it's dangerous for girls to be outside this hou-" yuichiro then got mad and cutted his sentence "Shut up! You are too soft muichiro you should of have just let her freeze outside! You don't know she could be a thief or whatever bad intentions she have!" Yuichiro said those mean words though he didn't really meant it he just wants muichiro to stay away from her. After all sometimes "feelings" just comes in late

"but bro-" yuichiro then just walked away. With this muichiro felt a little sad that his brother was mad at him so he just sat on his little couch while watching you sleep "Why is big brother so mad?"

THE NEXT MORNING

Y/N'S POV

My head hurts, I can barely open my eyes. What the fuck happened last night? I couldn't even remember anything.

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the ceiling, I didn't recognized the ceiling's color at all. I started looking around and I spotted a guy who was seating in a couch reading a book silently. He looked mesmerizing but at the same time he looked quite... familiar

YUICHIRO?

"yuichiro-san?" I tried sitting up but I was struggling and I couldn't sit up myself, "what happened last n-" the guy then got up on his couch and hushed me "Shh, you can't be moving around too much you were pretty drunk yesterday." He paused "it's muichiro not yuichiro."

"muichiro? I have never heard that name do I know you?" I asked, this guy...did he do something to me? Do I know him? Damn I regret not going with kanao and tanjiro

"I'm yuichiro's younger brother, we are twins." He stated. I then gave him a surprised look I didn't know yuichiro had any twins however this twin looks more gentle and calm than yuichiro was.

"how are you feeling, love?"

I then frozed on Spot, did he just call me that?

"sorry what?"

"did you not heard me? I'll repeat. How are you feeling, Love?"

I then blushed in embarrassment, I did heard him but I didn't want to believe what I just heard, why is he calling me love all of the sudden I don't even know this dude I only know his brother, "My name is Y/N. Why are you calling me that?" Muichiro then just chuckled a bit which made my heart fluttered, his chuckles was cute I thought.

"I think it's only fair I tease you back for what you said all night to me."

huh.

OH

DANG I FORGOT I WAS HELLA DRUNK WITH THE GIRLS. "HUH? I'M SORRY I DON'T REMEMBER I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT!"

he then just gave me a smile "It's fine, I was just kidding." He returned to his coach "Mitsuri will be arriving soon and she said she will love to give you a ride on your way home." I then nodded and decided to ask him two questions.

"Is there anyone else in this house?" He then shook his head "no, it's just me and my brother yuichiro. Why?"

"is that so? Then why is my clothes different from what I wore last night?"