#i didn’t see this ask til late so i hope u weren’t waiting long

[honimello]

Peter Strahm wallpaper, please? Maybe something blue? c:

peter strahm home and lockscreen set! like or reblog if u save :)

[myherowritings]

Three in the Morning

— You’ve missed your best friend after not seeing him for over a week. To fix that problem, you show up at his window at three in the morning to fill the Iwaizumi-shaped void in your heart.

pairing: iwaizumi hajime x reader word count: 2.9k genre: college/university au, fluff warnings: intoxication (reader is tipsy hghfjsd), jealous reader at one point, cuddling in bed, tooth-rotting fluff

a/n: written for bnha sanctuary one prompt haikyuu collab! :D a bunch of writers wrote their take on the same prompt “it’s 3am why are you outside my window” and this is the fic i came up with based on it! check out the other amazing fics here u won’t regret it ;) xx sof

「 hq masterlist 」

Walking around in the middle of the night just the slightest bit tipsy wasn’t the smartest thing you’ve done in your whole college career, but you could safely say it wasn’t the dumbest— Not that it was something you should be proud of.

You and your roommates had just gotten home from a party and, for some odd reason, you had the sudden urge to see one of your best friends, Iwaizumi Hajime, right at that very moment. He had been studying for midterms all week and you weren’t able to hang out with each other like you normally did, causing a Iwaizumi-shaped void that you wanted to fill. (In a strictly platonic way, of course.) 

And when you were half-sleep deprived, half-inebriated, it wasn’t uncommon for you to be rather...impulsive. From ordering too much takeout from any “open 24-hour” restaurant within a five mile radius, to uploading a video of you trying to come up with the perfect pasta recipe, you’ve done a handful of bizarre things during the ungodly hours of the night. But even you weren’t sure what was going on through your mind that convinced you sneaking out of your apartment and heading to Iwaizumi’s nearby was the best course of action while still slightly intoxicated. 

The clock on your phone read that it was only a quarter ‘til three and you quickly shrugged on a jacket and sent Iwaizumi a sloppy “i’m omw iwaaaachann” text before stepping foot outside your door, making sure to shut it silently as to not awaken your roommates who had just fallen asleep. 

As you made your way through your apartment complex, the thought briefly crossed your mind that Iwaizumi might be sleeping at the moment, especially since he had just finished his midterm exams, but you shrugged it off. You would cross that hurdle when you got there. 

And so, when you finally—through some miracle from above—arrived at Iwaizumi’s in one piece, you weren’t sure what else to do other then stare at his half cracked open window. Since he lived on the second floor, it wasn't uncommon for him to leave a window open for air to come through during the hot seasons. 

“Iwaizumi!” you yelled in a quiet whisper, hoping the wind would carry your words into his apartment for you. 

When you received no reply, you pulled our your phone and began to message him. Although Iwaizumi liked to pretend he was an unsentimental guy who didn’t have time to deal with others’ bullshit, it was obvious that was false. He cared a lot about everyone, especially his friends. Maybe even too much. And one of the ways he showed he secretly cared was always having his phone on full ringer in case anyone needed help in the middle of the night— Something that was surprisingly quite common when you were friends with the chaos that was Oikawa.

Would it be mean to use that knowledge to your own advantage and spam Iwaizumi until he replied? 

Maybe. 

But in your defense, you were practically having an emergency only he could help with. You desperately needed your Iwaizumi fix after not having seen him in over a week and there was no one better to help you that problem than Iwaizumi himself. 

Besides, texting him until he wakes up would be better than Romeo-and-Julieting this and climbing in through his window. Trying to scale a building while tipsy was too idiotic, even for you.

Y/N: are u awakeee?

Y/N: wakey wakey 

Y/N: i miss u :(

Y/N: i’m outside ur window wink wonk

Y/N: iwaaa >.>

There was a cacophonous sound of loud text chimes ringing one after the other followed by a deep grunt and stretching sound. You pictured Iwaizumi blearily getting out of bed and checking his phone that he kept across the room (to minimize at-night screen time, he claimed) with a heavy-lidded look on his face. 

After a few seconds of unidentifiable shuffles, you heard a strangled cry of, “What the—?!” before you saw the shadow of his head through the window screen. 

“Y/N?” he asked incredulously, voice still rough and scratchy from having just been awakened. 

You waved, beaming wildly. “Iwaizumi!” 

There was a deep sigh as he cracked the glass open even wider. “It’s three in the morning— Why are you outside my window?” He peered down at you almost stumbling on the spot. “And are you drunk?”

“Barely,” you assured, though you still felt a slight buzz in your fingertips. “I missed you so I came here.” 

“I— What? I mean— Huh?” he demanded, visible confusion in his tone. He rubbed his forehead before correcting himself. “I mean I miss you too. But it’s three in the morning! You couldn’t wait to miss me in a few hours instead?” 

You didn’t know whether to pout because he didn’t grow some Rapunzel hair and let you climb it up to the window and fall into his open arms like you’d imagined, or cheer because he said he missed you too. Blissfully, you chose the latter. “You miss me?” 

“Is that really all you heard?” said Iwaizumi with a snort before shaking his head in defeat. “Come up here. I’ll unlock the door for you.” 

Your face lit up instantly as you nodded, bounding up the stairs of his apartment building and meeting with him face-to-face at his doorstep. 

He had his arms folded over his chest as he waited for you at the entrance and, though he had tired circles under his eyes and still seemed half-asleep, was looking as attractive as ever. Not even the white polka dots on his pajama shorts could talk away from that fact. If anything, it made him all the more adorable. 

“Iwa-chan!” you greeted excitedly, but still careful as to make sure you weren’t loud enough to wake up his roommate. You opened your arms out and he begrudgingly accepted your embrace. (Well, he tried to seem begrudging at least. But you saw his hidden smile as you nestled your chin on his shoulder.) “I missed you.”

“You said that already, dumbass,” he said with a tsk. He patted the top of your head before pulling away from your hug promptly. “You’re cold. Have you been standing outside for long?” 

Pursing your lips, you looked up at him in confusion. “I don’t feel cold.” 

“Because you’re too drunk to register it, probably.” With his warm hand on the small of your back, Iwaizumi ushered you inside and shut the door behind you. “Let’s go to my room so we don’t wake up my roommate, yeah?”

“‘Kay.”

Having visited his place so many times before, you knew it like it was your own apartment— Disregard the fact that your apartments had almost the same exact layout since you lived in the same complex. After sliding off your shoes at the entrance, you led the way to his room with Iwaizumi following closely behind you. 

“Did you go to a party tonight?” he asked, eyes trailing down your body that was clad in an oversized t-shirt and fuzzy socks. Iwaizumi took a seat on his bed and patted the spot next to him for you to join. 

Laughing at his puzzled expression, you nodded. “Yeah, but I went to my place to change and get ready for bed,” you explained. “Tried sleeping but I missed you too much and wanted to see your face.”

You climbed onto the mattress with him and wiggled around until you found a comfy spot. The comfy spot happened to be side-by-side with Iwazumi, your back against the wall and cold thigh pressed against his warm one. You rested your head on his shoulder and he lazily drew circles onto your knee with the pad of his thumb. 

Intimacy like this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for the two of you— That’s just how things were. He was warm and comfy and good at cuddling, and you liked that. 

It could maybe be considered just normal friendship things you two did with everyone if it weren’t for the fact that Iwaizumi wasn’t typically comfortable with physical touch from anyone other than you. And maybe if you also ignored that you weren’t too keen on the thought of him one day being this close to anyone else. If truth be told, you didn’t like the thought of that at all. 

With a small huff, you hooked your left arm with Iwaizumi’s right, hugging his bicep to you in an almost clingy manner. 

“You good?” he asked, lightly chuckling as he looked down at you gripping onto his side. “Or something troubling you?”

You hummed unsure how to answer. There wasn’t enough alcohol in your system for you to completely spill your guts with know remorse, though being tipsy did greatly increase your likelihood of being loose-lipped. “I’m just thinking about someone else being with you like this.” 

Iwaizumi stiffened, shoulders tensing ever so slightly before he quickly relaxed his muscles again. He prompted gruffly, throat so tight it came out as a murmur, “And?” 

“I don’t like it.” 

He let out a sharp chuckle. “I see.” 

Out of the corner of your eye you saw a smile on his face and you continued on. “You’ve been studying a lot with Sasaki-san lately.”

“Hmm. Have I?” 

You nodded. “You have your biomechanics class with her, right?” 

“Yeah. I guess we studied for the exam together for a few nights.” 

There was a funny feeling in your stomach at the thought of him spending his nights studying with someone that then spiraled to you picturing them being compatible and falling in love and spending the rest of their lives together. You winced, trying to shake it off. You were one of his best friends; it’s not like you had the right to feel that way.

“She’s really pretty,” you said, hoping it would prompt him to talk more about her. Even if you had no right, you still wanted to know—

By now, the laughter Iwaizumi was struggling to hold in bubbled out of his mouth, cutting you off mid-thought. His shoulders bounced up and down and you reluctantly sat up from your position resting on top of him to give him a look of confusion.

“Why are you laughing at me?” you pouted. Your eyebrows were furrowed and the corners of your lips were quirked down, cheeks slightly puffed. 

He nudged your side gently with his elbow. You nudged him back, but moved away before he could retaliate and start a nudge war. “Because you sound jealous and it’s funny.”

“I didn’t say I was jealous.”

“I didn’t say you said that.” 

“I’m not jealous,” you corrected.

“Now that’s debatable.” 

Your cheeks flooded with heat, grabbing a pillow off the head of Iwaizumi’s bed to hide the embarrassed look on your face, seconds away from throwing it at him if he started to laugh any louder. You huffed. You were not jealous. There was no way. You just didn’t like imagining one of your best friends with another person doing coupley things that you only wanted him to do with you. But that definitely wasn’t jealousy. 

(Okay, fine. You were jealous. But you couldn’t admit that to Iwaizumi.)

“That’s just your lack of sleep talking,” you sulked, lying down on his bed with a pillow still over your face. “Go to sleep now.” 

“I was asleep. Until someone showed up at my window unannounced and woke me up.” 

“They sound annoying.” 

He barked out a laughter and you felt the weight on the bed shift. The compressed springs near your feet where Iwaizumi sat released its tension before you felt a dip beside you. You held your breath, the warmth from Iwaizumi’s body radiating onto yours.

While sleeping in the same bed together wasn’t as common as just cuddling, it wasn’t something that was exactly rare. There were times when you came over to watch movies or a television series with him until you both passed out on his bed. And other times when he was feeling stressed or you were feeling sad and neither of you wanted to sleep alone. You knew if you called, he would invite you in. And it was the same if he came to you. 

But that didn’t make your heart beat any less rapidly as you waited in anticipation for Iwaizumi to get under the sheets with you. No matter how many times you fell asleep together, that didn’t stop the rush of nerves and tense air of awkwardness from flooding the room. However, it took just one touch to break the ice and before you knew it, you were snuggling up next to him in complete contentment.

“They’re not annoying,” he said firmly, large hand resting on the curve of your hip. “Actually, I’m glad they showed up even though it was three in the morning and I was running on two hours of sleep from the previous day.” You winced at his words, the alcohol gone from your system by now and you realized the insensitivity of your actions. Still, your stomach fluttered when he said he was glad to see you. “Because I missed them too.” 

You blinked slowly. “You’re talking about me right?”

Through the moonlight from the window, you saw him roll his eyes with a grin. “Is there anyone else you think I’d let into my bed at this hour?” 

“Oikawa.” 

He considered it. “Well, maybe. But it wouldn’t so much be me letting him than him weaseling his way in.” 

You nodded solemnly, as if it made perfect sense. Because it did. “Fair enough. He’s the only other person I’d let into my bed like this too,” you admitted, earning a laugh out of the both of you. “Well, besides Oikawa then, there’s no one else you’d sleep with like this?”

“There hasn’t been since we started college. I doubt there would be anyone to change that. Nor would I want anyone to.” 

For the second time tonight, you felt heat rise to your cheeks and had the sudden urge to turn the other way and stare at the wall instead of Iwaizumi. But he held you tight by the waist so you couldn’t wiggle your way out of his grasp— Which did not, at all, help with the flaming face situation. 

He only wanted you? There was a euphoric feeling in your chest when you realized he felt that way, and you felt the same. 

“Someone’s bold tonight,” you managed to choke out, softly pressing your shaky fingers to the center of Iwaizumi’s chest. You felt the outlines of his toned pectorals beneath your palm and you had to remind yourself to keep on breathing.

“It’s from the lack of sleep. Sorry.” He didn’t sound apologetic. In fact, he seemed the opposite of apologetic when he brought you almost imperceptibly closer to him. If you weren’t so aware of the spatial distance (or lack thereof) between the two of you, there was no way you would have noticed. But you did. And you didn’t mind it. “I don’t have my usual filter.”

“Maybe I like you like this,” you said without missing a beat. Your initial reaction was to be embarrassed about the words that just left your mouth, but when you saw his growing smile, you felt a rush of assurance coursing through you. “I always like you, I suppose.”

“Like me?” he prompted, almost teasingly. “In what way?”

You gulped. Was this Iwaizumi being flirty? 

Sure, it wasn’t uncommon for him to compliment you and occasionally play around— But if you thought your heart would ever be ready for him to actually flirt, you certainly thought wrong. You weren’t ready at all.

“L-Lots of ways,” you stammered out. “But in particular, the ‘I think you’re cute and I maybe want to date you’ way.” 

“Funny.” His voice was a low whisper that rasped in your ear. “I think I like you in that way too.”

“You think?”

“I know.” 

“Huh. Well, if we both like each other in that way…maybe we should…” you trailed off, feelings of timidness suddenly overcoming you. “You know…” 

“Date?” he supplied with a knowing grin. You nodded bashfully. “Tomorrow.” There was an air of promise and sincerity in his tone. “Let’s get some sleep and then when we wake up we can go on our first date.” 

Tranquility spread through your veins as you let out a happy sigh, your muscles growing lax at your calmed state. Although your heart was beating out of your chest at the prospect of actually dating Iwaizumi, his comforting embrace was enough to lull you into sleep. Your senses were flooded with him—his touch, his smell, the quiet sound of his steady breathing—and you realized there was no other place you’d rather be. 

“Are you sure you won’t be too tired from exams?” you said before sleep overtook the both of you. “And from me waking you up in the middle of the night? Which…sorry for that again, by the way.”

“Don’t apologize. It was worth it,” he mumbled, lips brushing against your forehead as your eyelids fluttered shut. “I’ll always be here when you need me. Even if it’s at three in the morning.” 

[wormstacheangel]

Second part to the mixtape headcanon. Dean’s reaction to Cas being at his door in the middle of the night with the mixtape in hand.  

Dedicated to Liv ( @blue-eyed-cutiepatootie ) sorry it took me a while but here it is. Might not be what you expected but hopefully you enjoy it either way.

Cas stopped short in front of Dean’s door. His heart raced as he held the Walkman to his chest, clinging to the words he just heard, but he knew those words were years old. So much has changed in general, but between them, it felt like a still lake.

Since coming back, Dean has acted as if those dying words weren’t even spoken. Sometimes Cas wondered if he imagined the whole thing, but he knew the truth; Dean didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to make it uncomfortable for them.

It was something Cas has accepted the last few weeks of being in the bunker, being home, but now, with Dean’s secret message, he felt the courage in him bubble up his throat.

Cas quickly knocked three loud, quick bangs with his fist before waiting for a response. He heard a groggy, “What?”

“Dean? May I—Can we talk?”

Cas didn’t hear an answer right away, and for a second, he thought maybe Dean fell back asleep; he knew it was the early morning hours but wasn’t quite sure of the exact time. Still, time never really meant anything to him before, but now, as a human, time has become precious, and he didn’t want to keep wasting it.

He took a deep, shaky breath, raising his fist to knock again, but the door then clicked open. Revealing a disheveled and disoriented Dean.

He leaned against the door frame wearing lemon patterned boxer briefs and a hand up his t-shirt to scratch at his chest, as he yawned before he blinked at Cas a few times, “Dude, it’s 3 am. What can’t wait ‘til morning?”

Cas swallowed his nerves down before looking down at the Walkman to take out the tape. He brought it up to Dean’s face, and with an earnest voice, he said, “You said to come ASAP. So I’m here.”

Dean only looked at the cassette tape; a small gasp of a breath raised his chest, but then his face scrunched up in the familiar fixed glare, so Cas continued knowing Dean won’t talk. Not yet anyway.

He put the cassette back into the Walkman as he talked, rewinding it to keep his nervous hands busy. “I believe I understood what you—what the songs mean, but I am still so new at all this. If I am wrong, I don’t want it hurting us.” Cas took a sneaky look back up at Dean to find him watching the Walkman with the same intensity Cas was.

It only took a few seconds, and then Dean was shuffling in the doorway as the first song, Ramble On, started to play through the headphones. With no other words, Dean opened his bedroom door open just a little more, an invitation to come in, before he walked back over to sit at the edge of his bed.

When Cas walked in, he closed the door behind him but stood awkwardly by it. He broke the silence first as he looked anywhere but at Dean.

“You know what, maybe this can wait until morning.”

“You already woke me up.” Cas looked up to meet Dean’s stare, it wasn’t cold, but it still sent a shiver down Cas’s spine. “So talk.”

Cas opened his mouth, not knowing what words he was even forming, but Dean stood with a hand up to stop him before any words were spoken.

“Actually, first, why are you bringing this up again? I gave you that thing years ago.”

Cas put the Walkman down on Dean’s desk, the music softer but still background music, before looking at Dean with guilty soft eyes, not knowing how to explain himself. “Yes. I just heard—I appreciate the gift, Dean. Thank you but-um.”

Dean seemed taken back by the words, and, by his hardening demeanor, Cas knew they were the wrong ones. Dean was building walls up again.

“You know what, Cas,” Dean scrubbed a hand down his face as he glared past Cas with an uneasy smile settled on his face. “I can’t do this right now. How about we leave the rejections for some other time? Yeah?”

Cas opened his mouth, confused, but Dean nodded.

“Good. Night, Cas.”

Oh. He was already being rejected. It made sense that Dean’s feelings changed after all this time. He must have been waiting for Cas to mention the message, but it’s too late now. He lost Dean’s love.

Cas reached for the Walkman, but now he wasn’t sure if he wanted to listen to those songs, understanding why Dean skips them now. So he fists up his hands, leaving the Walkman where it laid, before giving Dean a stiff nod in return.

“Understood. Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean didn’t say anything in return, his jaw clenching as he looked at anywhere but Cas. “And take your damn gift with you.”

Cas’s chest tightened at the words. He felt familiar pain spread through his body, one he wished had a physical reason than an emotional, psychological one because a fist to his chest would hurt less.

“I don’t want it anymore.” Cas spit out as he opened the bedroom door and walked out into the hallway. “Throw it away for all I care.”

He slams the door closed behind him and stalks to his room, slamming that door behind him as well.

Then as soon as he is in the safety of his own space, he can feel the pain making itself known, like a hot blade slowly cutting into him or something heavy sitting on his chest. Either way, he wanted it to stop. Wishing he never heard that message or that he heard it at the right time.

Cas laid wide awake in bed, curled up around a pillow he was hugging to his chest. He stared at the wall, wishing he had a better imagination to keep him entertained, but all he could see was Dean’s glare. The glare those green eyes dug into him really digging roots and pulling him apart from the inside out with an invisible pull.

He couldn’t go out there and face him now. Maybe, Cas should have just ignored the long-ago message. It was apparent Dean had lost those feelings for Cas; he would have brought up Cas’s dying words weeks ago if Dean felt remotely the same. Now Cas was left with an awkward situation he didn’t want to be a part of.

He needed to leave.

Cas knew that. This is how it always went. Cas needed to go.

Cas stood up to walk over to his desk to grab his wallet and keys before grabbing his coat, ready to sneak off before the sunrise. He’ll be gone before Dean can kick him out again.

He didn’t even get a chance to open his bedroom door before Dean was striding in with a determined glare, “Okay, fuck this, I think we really need to-” Dean stopped to look Cas up and down as his shoulders dropped. “You’re leaving.”

“I think—I think it’ll be best.”

Dean nodded, his bottom lip being sucked into his mouth as he stared back at Cas. “Sure. Just do what you do best. Runaway.” Dean threw whatever he held in his hand across the room and broke it with a loud bang. Cas flinched as he saw what it was, the Walkman. “Fuck if I care!”

Dean was already turning to walk away, but Cas grabbed hold of his arm to stop him. “Why are you so damn mad, Dean?” Cas walked to step in front of him. He moved until he finally locked eyes with the angry hunter. “I’m only doing this for you.”

Dean rolled his eyes and shrugged Cas’s touch away. “Don’t bullshit me, Cas! You’re running away cause you don’t want to face me.” Dean poked Cas’s chest as he continued his angry rant. “Why don’t you start acting like a fucking man and face the damn consequences instead of being a little bitch and running away?”

Cas didn’t stand down as he glared back at Dean. “Enlighten me then. What would those consequences be?”

Cas took Dean’s finger and pulled it away from his chest, but it stayed in his grasp as he took a step forward, never taking his eyes off the familiar angry glare. The angry man he left behind still here after all those years, looking back at him with an ‘I dare you’ stare, but Cas could always read past those words. Dean was hurting.

“Why don’t you stop acting like a…like a little bitch, and just-!” Cas stopped with a loud sigh while he dropped Dean’s hand, along with his stare. Instead, he looked down at their socked feet. Dean was wearing pizza socks while Cas wore matching burger ones. They came in the same pack, and Dean split it up for them. He cracked a small smile thinking of that day before looking back up at Dean with pleading eyes. “Dean. I’m tired of this. Can you please just…Just talk to me?”

“Nothing more to talk about, Cas.” Dean sounded more defeated than angry now. “I got the message. Loud and clear.”

Cas blinked at him a few times. “Well, I’m sorry, but I apparently haven’t gotten the same message.”

“Don’t play dumb.” Cas just stood there staring at him, waiting for him to continue. “Geez, Cas, how many times are you going to fuck with my—I get it, dude, you don’t feel the same! I am doing my damn best here to be fucking normal about this, and then here you come bringing that old relic back as if—Did I fuck up somehow? Am I not giving you enough space?”

“I have enough space, Dean.” Cas tried to understand Dean’s words, process them, but they all felt just as jumbled in his mind as they did, leaving Dean’s mouth. “I—I’m sorry, I just don’t understand.”

“Shocker.”

“Did I understand the message wrong?” Cas ignored him as he asked, turning his head towards the shattering remains of his gift.

He felt his shoulders fall as a pang of sadness hit him from seeing his first gift broken. Cas walked towards it, hoping he would find the tape safely stored away inside the deck of the Walkman. He crouched to pick up the big chunk of plastic in his hand. It was smashed beyond repair, and the eject button was not working. Great, he’s going to have to break it more.

“ASAP,” Dean mumbled to himself, and Cas hummed in response, twisting the part in his hand.

“Yes. That’s what you said, so I did.”

“I told you to talk to me ASAP years ago, Cas.” Cas didn’t have to look up to know Dean was walking closer to him. “Did you just listen to the message?”

“I did.” Cas’s shoulders slumped in guilt. Dean has been waiting for a response all this time. “Sorry.”

“So when you were—when you tried to return the tape, that wasn’t a, um, a rejection?”

Cas looked up at him before he stood up, the broken Walkman in his hand. “I have loved you then like I love you now, Dean. I would never. Is that what you think happened?”

“Yes!” Dean took a step forward as he ran his hand through his hair, his eyes traveling down to the broken shards. “Shit. So wait, when you said you loved me, before the empty…did you mean,” Dean cleared his throat as he walked closer, nervously scratching his beard when he realized he didn’t have any pockets to hide his hands in. “Did you mean romantically? Like, like human romance?”

“I,” Cas felt his throat dry up as he tried to swallow a lump as he nodded earnestly. “I did. Yes.”

Dean looked at him, looking for something, and before Cas could ask what it was, Dean had his hands on either side of Cas’s face—pulling him in close until they were chest to chest. Then lips to lips.

Cas didn’t even realize he dropped the machine until he realized he had his hands on Dean’s skin. Feeling his body lift off the floor until he was being dropped on the bed, and Cas was watching something he never thought he would have or hear.

“I love you, Cas. I love you so much.”

Happiness isn’t always in the having, but fuck, this was so much better by a long shot.

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 4]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; masturbation, usage of toys, dirty talkin’, a bit of a filler chapter after last weeks hehe🍒 as always, thank you again for your continued support for cherry bomb 🥺💕 I'm actually not sure if next week’s chapter will go up on time due to my work schedule for next week but I'll be sure to keep y’all updated! if anything it’ll probably go up on saturday instead of friday... 😭😭 But anyway, have a good weekend yall! 💕💕💕 stay hydrated!! 

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - ?

The weekend ends quicker than Seungcheol even notices and while he wakes up Monday morning already thinking about you and your show later in the evening; his face falters when he reads the message on your cam homepage.

‘Sorry everyone :( I think I caught a cold so I won’t be doing a show tonight… I promise I’ll make it up to you on Friday! In the meantime, I’ve uploaded some new pics in our members only room~ I hope it’ll tide you all over ‘til then! xx Cherry 🍒 ’

His first reaction is to immediately panic; reaching for his phone and texting you to get as much rest and sleep as possible. He makes a mental note to check in with you again later, finding that he’s already running late to get to work when he gets out of bed.

“Hey! Seungcheol-hyung!”

The said male turns around, placing the set of roller skates on the ground. “Yeah, what’s up?”

Jeongguk sits next to him on the wooden bench, legs stretched out as he passes Seungcheol an energy drink. “Nothin’, just wanted to say thanks for coming over on Saturday! We should try to do that again, except maybe we can go out for drinks or something? We can give it the good ‘ol college try, maybe bring home a girl, if you know what I mean~” Jeongguk wiggles his eyebrows at Seungcheol who rolls his eyes.

“Uh, I’m down for the drinking part but I think I’ll have to pass on the hookups.”

“Really? Why? Are you dating someone and you haven’t told me?”

Seungcheol thanks the gods that the roller rink is dimmed; neon lights and disco balls the only things keeping the entire place dimly lit when he blushes a deep crimson, face hot as he avoids the younger male’s gaze. “Nah, it’s just, I--I don’t think that’s really for me. I’m more of a, uh, relationship type of guy, y’know?” Also, I’m devoting my time and energy to someone already who isn’t really my girlfriend.

“Mm, makes sense!”

Jeongguk keeps Seungcheol company even on his break, the two chatting about various topics before he lets Seungcheol know his break is almost over.

“Hey, wait! Before you go…” Seungcheol is nervous for some reason, fingers gripping the suede of the rollerskate’s boot as he avoids eye contact again. “Um, this is gonna sound really weird but… Who’s ‘j__min’? I feel like I’ve seen that username before and it’s, uh, I’m just curious how you know them? Sorry if that’s weird, I just--I’ve been seeing them around pretty often.”

“Oh, that’s Jimin-hyung. He’s a friend of mine that games with me sometimes! I’ve never really met the dude in person before, but he seems nice.” Jeongguk nods, staring off into space. “He seems really busy all the time too. And he’s super active on social media, that’s probably where you’ve seen him.”

Seungcheol nods; the guy didn’t seem like any sort of immediate threat so he logs the information mentally for now. He’d just have to do some internet sleuthing himself when he got home.

“Oh, cool, okay! Thanks ‘Guk!” 

Seungcheol groans after the seventh pair of skates he’s cleaned, standing up to stretch and reach for his phone in his pocket. He checks the notifications, noting that you hadn’t texted back or read his messages yet.

A frown paints his features knowing that you were sick, but he makes another mental note to finally buy you that sybian now that his most recent paycheck had come in with it’s overtime bonuses. There were only a few more days until Namjoon came back which meant his extra pays would be over, a sad sigh escaping his lips at the thought. 

The day gruels on; Mondays were always the slowest days for the roller rink which meant Seungcheol spent most of the time cleaning skates and bumming snacks from the concession stand usually. He tries to not pry deeper into Jeongguk’s friends but the curiosity eats him alive so he makes an effort to stay away from the younger male for the rest of the day, this time.

Instead, he spends the day hiding in the employee break room any time he gets; only leaving when Yoongi decides to hide in there himself.

Your head feels like it’s going to spin off of your shoulders once you sit up in bed. The sun sits low in the horizon from what you can see through your bedroom window; noting that it must’ve been the late afternoon already.

You’d woken up with chills, head fuzzy when you’d sat up earlier in the morning. Knowing that you were at least somewhat sick, you quickly wrote up a little memo on your homepage letting your viewers know that there wouldn’t be a show later in the evening. Afterwards, you had quickly downed medicine before curling up under your sheets and going back to sleep. You’d vaguely been aware of your phone ringing on the nightstand next to your bed, but you prioritized sleeping instead, knowing that you had to get better before the weekend came.

You groan once you ease yourself off of your bed, dragging your feet as you make your way to the bathroom in hopes of a warm bath to make yourself feel better.

It’s almost 5PM which means it’s almost time for Seungcheol to finally go home. He checks his phone one more time before he pockets the device, putting away the last few pairs of rollerskates before he starts making his way towards the backroom. 

“Hey! ‘Cheol-hyung, can you come over here!?” Jeongguk yells over the music, arms waving him down frantically before he clocks out.

Seungcheol walks over, noting an unknown male standing with him. “Yes? Did you need help?”

“This guy, sorry I forgot your name?” The male laughs, eyes forming crescents when he smiles brightly at Jeongguk. “It’s Seokmin.”

“Right, right. Seokmin is asking if we’re hiring?” Jeongguk ends with a head tilt, unsure of the answer himself.

Seungcheol bites the inside of his cheek. Technically yes, they were understaffed even with Namjoon around. But Namjoon was also technically the one in charge of overseeing hiring positions. And while they technically should’ve hired more staff, that also meant Seungcheol’s overtime bonuses would be cut anytime they actually had the appropriate amount of staff.

“Uhhhh… I--I don’t think so? I’m not the one in charge. Our manager that decides staff and hiring positions is out of town indefinitely so…” Seungcheol trails off, hoping Seokmin gets the hint.

“Ahh… Should I come back another time then?” Seungcheol nods, frowning slightly. “Sorry ‘bout that man. But hey, why don’t you leave your contact info so we can call you? So you don’t have to keep coming back.”

Seokmin nods, beaming at the older male.

“Sure, that’d be great! Thanks!”

Seungcheol only feels slightly bad when he gets home that night, praying karma doesn’t kick his ass later for lying.

On days when you cancel your show are the days Seungcheol realizes he needs more hobbies than watching your cam shows and gaming all night.

Not that it’s a bad thing, he thinks, just that he could supplement his life with more.

He places an order for a few cookbooks alongside the order for the sybian, soft chuckles spilling from his lips when he realizes what an odd array of things he’s ordered.

Seungcheol manages to fill his night with meaningless tasks; finally cleaning his PC and settling in to watch a movie while he polishes off an entire pizza. He checks his phone a few more times, noting no new messages and he wonders if you’re really okay. A lightbulb goes off in his head, power walking back to his PC as he opens a new browser.

He bites his lip, typing in ‘j__min’ in the search bar to see what comes up. By nature, the username is unfortunately a lot more common than he anticipates and he ends up rifling through a lot of dead ends before he comes upon the profile on the same camming website you used and an instagram that seemed to be updated fairly regularly.

“Let’s see…”

Your body feels hot all over. Pin pricks on your fingertips as a bead of sweat trickles down your temple.

Now, you didn’t feel sick, you just felt incredibly insatiable. Again.

You weren’t sure if it was because your body had adjusted to a certain schedule, but you can’t help the way you toss and turn in bed; thighs rubbing together in hopes of alleviating the growing wetness between them.

Checking the clock, you note it’s already 10PM, close to when you’d normally be doing your show. You sigh, pushing your sweaty hair out of your face as you reach for your phone on the nightstand. You immediately notice a few text messages from Seungcheol; frowning when you notice the text messages were from the morning.

cheollie ✨: hey, baby :( saw your note, i hope you’re okay.

cheollie ✨: make sure to drink a lot of water and take medicine!

cheollie ✨: don’t push yourself too hard either okay?

The messages end there and you pout, unsure what to even say now that it had been hours since he’d texted.

babygirl 🍒 : cheollie… i only saw ur msgs now 🥺

babygirl 🍒 : im sorryyyyy i was sleeping so long but i feel better now!!

Seungcheol closes all his browser tabs before he realizes it, a smile on his face when he sees you’ve responded.

‘That’s okay, I’m just glad you’re okay and feeling better. Promise me you drank tons of water?’

He feels giddy, palms sweaty as he grips his phone.

babygirl: mmhmm! i did… i don’t even feel sick anymore 🥺 but…

babygirl: dunno… i’m feeling needy again… i think my body is used to my usual schedule...

Seungcheol’s body thrums with newfound energy and arousal at your leading comments. He’s unsure of what to say next, fearing he was going to say too much. But his phone pings again, eyes quickly flitting over your messages.

babygirl 🍒 : if ur busy its okay but

babygirl 🍒 : do u think we could cam? just u and me?

babygirl 🍒 : only if ur free tho!!

His fingers are tingling when he sends his reply, making it short and sweet before he places his phone down and makes sure his PC is running smoothly.

‘Of course, you know I’m always here when you need me. :)’

It takes a few minutes for you and Seungcheol to set up your respective spaces and in the meantime, you grab your laptop, propping it open on the bed next to you as you lay in front of it. You had debated on using your better camera which you used for camming, but you didn’t want it to be set up like a cam show.

Instead, you wanted a more intimate and casual video call with Seungcheol, so you made sure your webcam worked fine as you placed it on the sheets.

‘Video Call Incoming…’

You can’t help the blush that coats your skin nor the lust that fills your body as soon as you accept his call; his somewhat blurry figure coming into view.

“Hey, sweetheart!” Seungcheol beams at you through the grainy camera and you already feel yourself clenching around emptiness, words caught in your throat at how handsome he was and how truly enticing his voice was. “H-hi!” Rubbing your thighs together, you peer at the camera shyly. “I--wow, the pictures really… You’re so much more handsome on v-video.” You giggle slightly, leaning in closer to your laptop to get a better view of the silvery-blue haired male.

Seungcheol’s deep laugh filters through the speakers and your toes curl against the sheets.

“You should see me in person, maybe I’ll look even better then.”

You don’t deny that one bit; your own hands already itching to touch yourself. “Oh? Is that an invitation~?”

Seungcheol’s eyes pierce the camera, licking his own lips as you watch him  snake a hand down into his sweats.

“If you want it to be, sweetheart. But tell me about you, how are you feeling? Have you eaten already?”

Gulping, you watch as his hand seems to work slowly and out of view. “I--um, I feel b-better just… Dunno, guess my body’s just used to, um, y’know… A-and I haven’t really had much of an appetite...” You trail off, head still fuzzy from the cold medicines and now, Seungcheol.

In a roundabout way, it almost feels like you’re watching him do a show for you as you watch him slowly get off.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, baby. But you know you should try to eat, okay? I don’t want you to get even sicker.” You nod, fingertips already at the edge of your sleep shorts. 

“I--c-can I touch myself too?” Seungcheol laughs lightly, nodding as he tilts his head back. “Of course, you don’t need to ask me for permission, baby.”

You grin at him, sitting up as you reposition the laptop. Your hand slides underneath a pillow, grabbing the small bullet vibrator you kept there. “Do you always keep a toy handy?” His voice is airy, teasing in the way he asks.

“Mmhmm~ You never know when you’ll need it~” You sing-song, shimmying your sleep shorts and panties off before you spread your legs in front of the camera.

The air gets knocked out of Seungcheol the second you spread your legs for him and him alone and he can’t help but imagine all the things he wanted to do with you. He watches as you tease yourself, fingertips only grazing across the areas he knew you wanted to be touched the most. 

“I can’t wait for us to finally fuckin’ meet.” He grits out.

A moan floats through the speakers of Seungcheol’s gaming PC, your saccharine voice music to his ears. “M-me too, wanna know what you’d do to me~” You giggle afterwards, pressing the vibrator to your clit as you spread your legs wider for him to see. Seungcheol’s hand around his cock tightens as he watches, an appreciative smirk on his face.

“Oh sweetheart, what wouldn’t I do to you.” You can’t help but slide your fingers through your wet folds listening to Seungcheol’s voice, whimpering when you finally slide a finger in. “Yeah? What would be the first thing? Tell me, ‘Cheollie~”

Even through the webcam quality, you can see the way Seungcheol’s eyes glaze over in complete pleasure. He licks his lips once, leaning in close so that you can hear him clearly.

“I know you probably think I’d get straight to the filthy shit, huh? Pin you to your bed and fuck you until you forget your own name or tie you up to the bedposts and make you beg for me to fuck you. But I wouldn’t. Because I wanna worship your fuckin’ body. I’d take it nice and slow with you, give you as many orgasms as you want.”

“F-fuck, Seungcheol, I–”

“You could use me for your pleasure, y’know? You deserve it. You’re such a good girl. I’d give you anything you fuckin’ want if you’d let me.”

Your choked moans have Seungcheol working his cock faster; nothing on his mind except for you and his impending orgasm. “Oh g-god, Seungcheol, I--fuck, yes, I want that~ I want you to--to make me cum as many times as I w-want!” You mewl, easily working in another finger as you pump the digits inside your pussy.

He smirks when he sees your grip on the vibrator loosening, knowing that you were already too lost in the pleasure to keep the toy on. “And I’d let you. Maybe I’d make you cum on my tongue first. Or would you want my fingers?”

“B-both! Puh--please…” You whine, legs threatening to clamp shut. You curl and scissor your fingers, thrusting them knuckle deep inside yourself as you chase the pleasure that overtakes your senses. “Please, ‘Cheol, tell me more~”

You watch through the camera as Seungcheol pushes his sweats down enough to get his cock into view; mouth watering as you watch it curve up to his lower abdomen.

“I know how much you love being doted on and being taken care of… So after I make you cum all fuckin’ night, you know I’d take care of you. Make sure you’re comfortable and cuddle with you when you’re tired.” His hips cant up into his closed palm, a soft groan on his lips. “And then when we wake up, I’ll eat you out. Nice and slow so you know it’d be worth it.” 

Seungcheol smirks, smearing the precum all over his shaft. “But I also know you like it rough and you like being punished like a bad girl. You like the idea of being tied up and teased and being fucked nice and hard too. I could take it nice and slow, build up the pleasure for you. Or I can take it nice and slow and tease you, I’d make you sit on my cock ‘n make you wait for it ‘til you’re begging me. Or maybe you would want an audience? Let them see you fall apart on my cock when you’re desperate to cum.” 

You press the vibrator against your clit again, Seungcheol’s name falling out of your mouth in a blubbering mess. “Oh--I--!!”

Your legs clamp shut, fingers halting their movements as you cum hard around your fingers. Seungcheol watches as your legs shake, his own hand running up and down his cock in quick motions as he chases his high too. You vaguely hear him groaning your name; the ringing in your ears overbearing as your orgasm continues to wash over you.

The sound of your quick and shallow breaths mix with Seungcheol’s over the speakers as the two of you catch your breath. You slip your fingers from inside of you, wincing when you turn off the toy and toss it to the side.

“Fuck, baby, I--”

“Y-yeah…” You quietly lick your fingers clean, knowing that Seungcheol’s watching. “I… that was the first time I… did that with s-someone…” You giggle tiredly, wiping the rest of your sticky fingers on your shirt.

“Really? Never?” Seungcheol’s surprised expression makes you giggle; his eyes round and mouth wide open as he leans closer to his webcam.

“Mmhmm! Just, y’know, it’s--it’s hard to get close to people sometimes…”

You had mentioned it off-handedly once while the two of you had been texting, that most of the dates you’d been on hated the fact that you cammed. There was always a possessive aura that was present and while Seungcheol would sometimes get a little jealous himself, he also knew it was your livelihood and how you supported yourself.

“Ah, yeah, I can understand.”

The two of you sit in a content silence, Seungcheol reaching for a few tissues to clean off the drying cum on his abdomen.

“Hey, ‘Cheol?”

“Yeah?” He peers up at the camera through his lashes, blinking rapidly as he watches you lay back down in front of your laptop.

“About what you said… earlier…” You pause, shyness overtaking once again. “I--Would you want to meet up? Like, for real? I mean--not--not like tomorrow or something but... Y’know, we can start planning?” 

Any words that come after that turn into radio static in Seungcheol’s head and he can feel his pupils shaking, nervousness already bubbling up inside of him at the prospect of actually finally maybe getting to meet you. 

“Seungcheol? ‘Cheollie? You okay?” 

Fuck.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah! I’m cool, I’m good, sorry, that--that caught me off guard.”

He watches as you talk animatedly, mind already going a mile a minute as he thinks over everything that needed to be done before then. 

“I’m really excited to meet you, ‘Cheollie!” 

[imagining-supernatural]

The First Interview

Part 13 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary: Sebastian talks about you on his interview with Seth Myers, and something shifts in your relationship when he gets home that night

Word Count: 1,874

“Sebastian Stan everyone!” Seth Meyers announced. You watched through the screen as Seb walked onto the stage.

You hadn’t watched any of his other interviews, but this was the first one where he was going to talk about you, and you were nervous. You weren’t nervous about what he was going to say, per se. You hadn’t lied when you said you trusted Seb’s judgment. You were just nervous about what came after. What nosey journalists or fans might dredge up. So you figured it was best to be prepared.

While Seb greeted Seth, you decided that you needed to tell him about your past. You wanted him to know. Maybe tonight when he got back…

“So, besides your movie coming out, you’ve been in the headlines a bit lately.” Seth moved on from the small talk about Seb’s upcoming movie.

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, I have.”

“And you haven’t been alone,” Seth prodded.

“No, Seth, I haven’t been. We had hoped to keep it to ourselves a bit longer, but I suppose a drunken wedding in Vegas isn’t the most secure of wedding venues.”

Seth laughed good-naturedly. “No, it is not. For anyone who hasn’t seen the picture yet, here is Sebastian and his wife in Vegas.” He held up the picture that had been circulating of the two of you and Elvis. That night (or rather, morning after) felt like so long ago. “Now, we were chatting backstage before the show and this is quite the story.”

That understatement made you snort from your blanket nest on Sebastian’s couch. Your snort matched Sebastian’s and he grinned. “That’s one way to put it.”

“First off, this wedding… it wasn’t planned, was it?”

“No. Not at all. That night was basically the most cliché night I’d ever had.”

“Sounded like it belongs in the beginning of a quirky rom-com,” Seth offered.

“My wife, when we discussed this, mentioned how much the people who write or read fan fiction are going to love our story.”

So he was going with the truth. You sighed in relief. Before this moment, you hadn’t thought you would have minded either way. But not having to come up with a lie or half-truth in the future would make your life so much easier.

“We actually just met each other that night. Most of the night was a blur, but the next morning I about had a heart attack when I woke up next to her and saw that ring on her finger and the marriage certificate on the hotel dresser…”

“And the pictures of Elvis on your phone.” Sebastian laughed at Seth’s words, nodded in agreement. “Then you went out to breakfast before heading to the courthouse, is that right?”

“What kind of a husband would I have been if I didn’t take my wife out to eat before going to get the marriage annulled?”

“Not a good one, that’s for sure.” Seth sat forward. “You never got the annulment though. Why was that? Most people, when they wake up married to a complete stranger in Vegas would get the annulment as soon as possible.”

“That was the plan. She was very insistent on the annulment. Kind of a bruise to my ego, you know?” The joke played well and you could tell the laughter of the audience calmed his nerves some. “But her reasons for wanting the annulment became my reasons for putting it off. See, she has cancer and didn’t want to pull anyone into that.”

As soon as he said the c-word, a hush fell over the room. The tension was palpable even through the TV screen.

“The treatment options she had weren’t promising, and there were a few other complications that led her to decide that she didn’t want to pursue treatment. That Vegas trip was supposed to be her last hurrah.”

“Hell of a last hurrah,” Seth said. “So, it was your idea to not get the annulment?”

“Yes. I had to practically force her to get on a plane and see my friend, who is an oncologist, for a second opinion. She was insistent on not getting me involved. And the entire time, I wasn’t sure why I was pushing the issue so hard for someone I had just met.”

“But you’re glad you did.” Since it wasn’t phrased like a question, you had to assume Seb had spoke to Seth at length before the show.

“I am, yes.” No hesitation. “We got her into a promising treatment plan and, though it hasn’t been easy, and even though she has horrible taste in music, I have absolutely no regrets.”

Seth waited a moment for the applause to die down. “From what you told me backstage, she sounds like a wonderful, strong woman. I’m sure it was quite the adjustment to go from bachelor life to living with someone who doesn’t take no for an answer.”

Seb laughed. “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But, no. It wasn’t that hard. I’ve liked getting to know her and becoming really close friends with her. And you’re right, she is so great. And strong. But cancer treatment is really tough and the idea of being hounded by the press has caused her stress that she shouldn’t have to deal with while going through this.”

“I’m sure that after a day in the hospital, the last thing she wants to do is be bombarded with cameras and questions, right?”

“Right. She’s strong, but all of her energy needs to go towards focusing on getting better. We’ll be putting out an official statement soon, but I’d like to use this opportunity to request that everyone respects our privacy. Our relationship isn’t conventional, and I know that makes us exciting, but we need to focus on her health right now. Not the curiosity of the media.”

“It’s obvious you care for her quite a bit, and we hope both of you the best. Hopefully the next time you’re in that seat, your wife will be cancer free.”

Seth finished up by reminding the audience about Sebastian’s movie that was coming out and the camera panned away to commercials now that the allotted time for the interview was up.

Not caring for the rest of the interviews, you turned off the TV. Before the TV even went dark, you turned it on again and put on an old sitcom for background noise.

It’s obvious you care for her quite a bit.

What the hell had Seth meant by that?

Your phone vibrated and you checked the text from Seb.

Sebastian: You see it yet?

Me: I have bad taste in music, huh?

Me: That’s rich coming from someone who has never heard a Weird Al song before he met me

Sebastian: You made me listen to that song about Albuquerque and Sauer kraut so now it’s a valid opinion, since I have heard a Weird Al song

Sebastian: What’d you think about the rest? Did I fuck up anywhere?

Me: It was good. I’m glad you went with the truth

Sebastian: It’s a good story

Me: makes you sound like a selfless hero

Sebastian: I AM a selfless hero, thank u very much

Sebastian: But it’s also our story and I like it

Sebastian: Wouldn’t change a single thing

You stared at his texts for a good minute before getting the courage to type what came next.

Me: No regrets? Really?

His answer came almost instantly.

Sebastian: None at all

Sebastian: That fight over the weekend sucked, but I think we needed it. Cleared some things up for me at least

The fight hadn’t been what you’d been going for. You weren’t fishing for any apology. In fact, you weren’t really sure why you’d asked.

Sebastian: I should be home in an hour or two. Think you’ll be up still?

Me: I make no promises, but I’ll try

Sebastian: See you soon sweetheart

A hand on your shoulder woke you. Groggily, you opened your eyes to see Sebastian smiling at you from where he was knelt in front of the couch.

“Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. Unless you’ve been ignoring my texts, you fell asleep like, five minutes after you said you’d try to stay awake.”

“Shit, I suck.”

“Nah,” he assured you. “Blame Helen and Dr. Chowdhury. They’re the ones making your body literally attack itself.”

“Mmm.” You blinked a few times, trying to clear the sleep from your eyes. As you looked at his face, you remembered your decision to tell him about your family. “Hey, Seb? I wanna talk to you about something.”

He smoothed his hand over your hair, cupping the back of your neck. “Can it wait ‘til tomorrow? We’ve both had a long day and I’m beat.”

“Suppose it can.”

“Good.” Before you could say anything, he slid one arm under your knees and the other around your back, lifting you easily. “Then let’s get a good night sleep and talk about it tomorrow.”

“What are you—I can walk, you know.”

“And I can carry you.” Any response you’d had was cut off when he walked past the guest room and nudged open his bedroom door with his hip. He set you down on his bed and leaned over you, arms straight with hands next to your shoulders. “We done saying obvious things?”

No. “This is your room.”

“Yeah,” he raised an eyebrow. “That okay?”

Was it? You searched his eyes, looking for something… a reason, perhaps? Why were you in his room? “I—I guess.”

“Yeah?” Behind his bravado, you could finally see a slight hesitation. A little insecurity. That flicker helped calm your nerves. Sure, you still didn’t know why he wanted you here, but it was nice to see that he wasn’t sure about it either. Equal ground and all that.

“Yeah. Long as you don’t steal the blankets.”

Your teasing unlocked his grin and he pressed a kiss to your forehead before standing up straight. “Wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart.”

There it was again.

“I, uh, I need to wash my face and, uh, grab my pajamas.” And have a moment alone to think so I don’t explode from whatever the fuck this feeling in my chest is. “Can I walk myself, or do you want to carry me?”

“Hurry back,” he said in lieu of an answer.

When you closed the guest bedroom door to change clothes, you leaned back against it for a second and tried to calm your heart.

Sure, you’d cuddled on the couch over the last few weeks. It wasn’t like this was much different.

But it was.

He’d started calling you sweetheart. He’d started kissing your forehead. He’d started holding your hand more. You’d started holding his hand. As in initiating the physical contact.

This wasn’t just cuddling, you thought to yourself as you grabbed your pajamas from the dresser. The thought was scary, but you almost didn’t care.

And, after you’d gone through your bedtime routine and hesitantly pushed open his door, all of your concerns flew away when he grinned at you and held open the sheets for you. As soon as you were secure in his arms, you came to the terrifying realization that there was nowhere else you’d rather be.

Sleeping in the same bed!?! The world knowing about her cancer!? Her wanting to tell Seb about her past?! What is the next thing that’ll go wrong? (Because you know it’s not all smooth sailing from here)

Chapter 14: The First Conversation

[n-ctarinenga]

Heartlines [ calum hood ]

w.a.h series | pt.2 | word count: 3,802 | masterlist

You wish you could say the separation got easier with time, but sadly, that was a lie. 

Months had passed since the last time you saw the man you love in person, and the heartache of being apart without knowing when it would end didn't ease until the day you woke up and saw the words that made you burst into tears before they'd even fully registered. 

The world was healing. Be it at a slow pace, it was still getting better by the day in it's own little ways. 

You favoured the day fast food opened again the most, sitting with your siblings in a McDonald's drive through for two hours listening to New Order and Brockhampton before finally getting a big mac you'd been craving ever since lock down began. 

But once things started opening up again, Calum found his ways to surprise you nearly instantly. First it was a bunch of flowers, then a new fluffy blanket, then something that didn't come from a store. 

Calum had always known you were a hopeless romantic, and decided to play on it in a way he knew would make you melt.

Nearly a week after your text to him and his video to you, you received a piece of snail mail covered in Australian stamps, your heart racing as the scrawl on the front of the envelope was instantly recognisable to you. 

Upon reading the letter inside, your entire body glowed with happiness and your face was soaked with tears, after all, you'd never received a love letter before. 

Once the first letter was sent, you wasted no time making your own and sending it back to him, including polaroids you knew he didn't have, and spraying the paper with your signature perfume for added effect. 

Calum was shy to admit it, but he did cry when he opened his letter and it smelt just like you. 

This continued on back and forth for weeks, until the day more than just a letter could travel between you. 

As normal, you sat with your family watching the press conference with the prime minister and director general of health in the late afternoon, as you'd become familiar with anytime there was an announcement due. 

There were rumours of a travel bubble opening up between New Zealand and Australia, but not wanting to get your hopes up, you didn't feed these rumors too much thought.

But still, you sat beside your sister with a hopeful and anxious feeling stirring in your stomach as you watched today's announcement. 

The moment the rumours were confirmed, you let out a whimper as tears clouded your vision. 

"One week from today, starting at midnight, domestic flights will resume between Australia and New Zealand." 

You waited until the end of the broadcast, excusing yourself to your room to call Calum, knowing he'd been watching the same thing being said by his own prime minister. 

What you didn't see was the look of relief on your families faces. Not only for the fact life was now closer to being normal than ever, but it was the first time they had seen you cry happy tears in the midst of what you confined in your brother, one of the hardest mental states you've ever been in. Their lives were all on hold, sure, but their lives are here, and you had made a life for yourself in a completely different country, and while you would always love your home, you had another one now that you wanted to be wrapped up in again. 

The joy they saw in you wasn't just because you were closer to seeing Calum again, it was because you were closer to your life again. Your job, your home, the friends you considered just as important as your blood family, they were all finally at your fingertips again. 

You didn't care about the fact your messy top knot was falling apart, or that the tears were still pouring down your face, all you wanted was to see him.

Shutting your door behind you, you pull up a facetime request for Calum, him answering seconds later like he was about to call you himself. 

"Baby." The pet name falls out of your mouth as you see tears clouding his eyes, his once short bleached out hair now echoing the blonde tips of his past as his natural curls come back with a vengeance. 

"Hey darlin." He says, his voice thick with emotion. 

He covered his face with one hand as he could feel his tears start to fall, an overwhelming sense of relief flooding him as he saw your bright smile and tears of joy. 

Calum had sat in shocked silence as he watched the news, not snapping back to reality until he felt his mother pulling him into a hug once the announcement sunk in, the words he heard making his knees feel weak. 

"Don't cry, my love. I'm coming home as soon as possible, okay?" You reassure him, wiping your own tears away with the sleeve of the hoodie Calum could swear used to be his. 

"I hope you know once I get you again I'm never letting go." He says quietly, your heart swelling with his words. 

Little did you know, the engagement ring he had finally asked his mother for sat just out of frame, more meaning in his words than you realised. 

"Who said I'd ever want to leave?" 

Calum just shook his head with a laugh, and from there, you both got to planning. 

As much as you loved your family, you had also been around each other every day for months, and while Calum was more keen on the time he finally got to spend with his family again after touring the world since he was a teenager, you'd had a solid twenty years with your family before you left home. With that in mind, it was decided that you would be flying to Australia, your visa allowing you to stay for a month before you would have to come back to New Zealand. 

Planning out your next steps together, you made a full two month plan, and hoped that after those two months, you'd both be flying home to LA, together. 

With one more week spent giving as much of your time as possible to your family, you finally packed your things up again, hopped in the car with your siblings, and headed to Auckland airport. 

Instead of coming to the airport, you and your parents decided to share your tearful goodbye with each other at home. 

After checking in, handing over your bags, and hugging both of your siblings til they told you that you were the most embarrassing one in the family, you finally boarded the flight to Sydney. 

Little did you know, your boyfriend was already watching the clock to see when he could acceptably start waiting at the airport. 

While you watched Avengers Endgame on your laptop to pass the time, Calum was pacing around the living room of his family home, Mali laying on the couch behind him with a pillow over her head so she didn't have to watch her brother burn a hole in the floor. 

"You already know she's gonna say yes." She says, lifting the pillow for a moment before putting it down again.

"You don't know that for sure." He mutters lowly, checking his watch again and seeing your estimated arrival time was still two hours away. 

Calum walked upstairs to his room, looking into his mirror for what felt like the millionth time today as he checked his hair and outfit for the day. 

With hairdressers opening up again a couple weeks ago, Calum had strongly thought about clipping off all his hair before you saw him again, but knowing how much you loved his grown out curls, he instead decided to get it trimmed and styled yesterday, hiding it under a beanie while facetiming you the night before. 

He once again readjusted his leather jacket, a Elvis shirt underneath with simple black pants and some converse to complete the look. While he had thought about pulling a suit out from the few he'd brought with him, he knew there was a high chance you'd tackle him, deciding comfort was a better idea instead. 

Between leaving for the airport with his family and actually arriving, Calum had tapped the inside pocket of his leather jacket more than thirty times. 

The small velvet ring box in his pocket was at the front of his mind as he sat beside Mali in the back of the car, his mum in the front passengers seat, and his dad driving them closer and closer to the most important question Calum has ever asked in his life. 

His whole family was excited to see you, and it wasn't only because they were about to welcome you into their family, but because in their eyes, you were already part of it.

Whenever Calum would be able to come home throughout the last three years, he would always hear the question "is y/n coming with you?" whenever he let his family know about his plans. It wasn't a secret that they had a soft spot for you, which meant that not only were they excited for you to be here for Calum, they were excited to see you themselves. 

After parking and walking through the airport Calum was more than familiar with, he couldn't help but notice how clammy his hands were, or the way his leg would bounce anxiously when he finally sat down in the waiting lounge outside your arrival gate. 

He was nervous. Excited, but nervous. 

You were feeling a lot of the same as you sat in the window seat seeing Sydney slowly coming into view. 

You'd spent the last twenty minutes of the flight doing some incredibly simple makeup, certain it would probably get kissed off, or cried off your face if you added too much. You only added a slight bit of green eyeshadow to match the green t-shirt you wore over a striped long-sleeved shirt, your black jeans and sneakers finishing off the look you stressed over for a solid two hours before you left for the airport. 

Feeling your heart race as you approached the airport, you tried to take a deep breath as your emotions threatened to get the better of you, but you refused to cry before you'd even seen him. 

Stepping onto Australian land, you felt an entirely different wave of excitement hit you. You weren't the kind of person who liked to stay in one place for too long a time, and spending so long back at home with your family made you feel that urge to travel again more than usual. 

You could barely contain yourself as you walked through the airport, collecting your bags quicker than expected and making your way through the area before your gate exit. 

Stopping for a moment in the hall, you take one last deep breath, nothing able to prepare you for the wave of emotions you were sure to feel. 

Calum checked his pocket one last time as he saw people starting to come from your gate, standing with his family in toe as he tried his best to see you through the crowds of people. 

The second you walk around the corner, you see him, standing there with a mix of emotions obvious on his gorgeous face you had missed so, so much. 

You cover your mouth with your hand as a sob erupts from your throat, and you walk faster towards him, a death grip on your trolley that you let go of as he finally spots you, and you see him let out a breath it looks like he's been holding for months the second his eyes land on you. 

Your trolley is lost behind you as you break out into a run, him doing the same and meeting you halfway where you crash into his arms with so much force it nearly sends both of you crashing to the floor. 

Nothing in your life had ever come close to feeling as good as having Calum's arms wrapped around you so tightly that he had lifted your feet off the ground, your legs automatically wrapping around him as you try to hold him as close as physically possible. 

Both your bodies shook as you cried, tears of joy, relief, and pure happiness all coming at once as Calum finally sets you on your feet. 

Barely pulling away, he pushes your hair away from your face, inspecting you like he was seeing you for the first time all over again. You did the same, taking in his features that no pictures or screens could ever do justice. 

With shaky hands, you grin as you carefully and gently dry his tears, taking your opportunity to rake your hands through his curls, feeling like it had been a lifetime since you'd gotten a chance to and savouring the sensation of finally having him in front of you.

Taking your face in both of his hands, he pulls your face to his, kissing you with more passion and emotion than you had ever experienced before. It felt like the usual fireworks you felt when Calum kissed you had been replaced with straight TNT, your heart beating out of your chest so hard you were convinced he could hear it. 

When you both finally pull away because of your need for breath, Calum holds you close still, peppering kisses all over your face and making you laugh so hard you feel a fresh wave of tears pour down your cheeks. 

Making you yelp in surprise, Calum picks you up again, turning and walking towards the exit a few steps. 

"Okay we can go now." He jokes, and with him turning around, you can finally see Mali and Mr. and Mrs. Hood standing a couple feet away. 

Gasping in surprise, you signal to Calum to let you down, which he hesitantly does, only to see you crash into Mali with open arms tightly wrapping around her. 

"I've missed you guys so much!!" You say, your voice thick with another wave of emotion as you bear hug Mali. 

"We've missed you too, chickie." Joy smiles, opening her arms for her own hug which you happily deliver with a kiss hello to her cheek. 

You give Malcom a hug before Mali pulls you back to her for another, making you laugh as the smiles on the family you loved so much made you feel so much better than you had been the last few weeks. 

"I'm so happy we finally have our third to outnumber the boys." Mali says, wiping a fake tear from her eye as you notice she's pulled your luggage trolly to sit beside your small group, a camera you recognised as hers sitting on top facing you all. 

"Don't worry, we haven't gotten as bad as she makes us out to be." Malcom says with a laugh as he wraps his arm around Joy's shoulders. 

"I have a feeling she's gonna be on her own team." She says, a knowing smile on her face as she looks past you to where you could sense Calum behind you. 

Turning around to follow her gaze, you feel all the air in your lungs leave your body. 

Standing in front of you, Calum's breath came in anxious bursts as he looked at you with pure adoration, a small red velvet box in one hand as he reached out to take yours, doing everything he could to remember the words he rehearsed in his head more times than he could remember. 

"Y/n," he starts shakily, "since the first day I met you by total accident, you have intrigued, confused, and amazed me over and over again. From the second we first threw around the idea of being together, you didn't ever question the miles between us we knew we would have to face, the press that would take hours, or the days I would spend locked away in my studio. Instead, you decided to love me for who I am, a lovesick idiot who eats your secret oreos and adores you more than I could ever express with words. These last few months without you have been the most challenging and unwanted thing I've ever gone through, and it's driven home the fact that if I could, I would never leave your side again."

Calum takes a deep breath, forcing down the tears that so desperately wanted to escape as he watched your tears pouring down your face, a look of shock staying with you as he spoke. 

"You're the funniest, smartest, most creative, and most beautiful woman I've ever met, and I don't know who I'd be today without you. Nothing could prepare me for the happiness you'd bring into my life by just waking me up by shifting closer to me in the middle of the night, holding my hand when the world gets too loud, or ignoring me to defeat Alduin for the millionth time." You can't help but to laugh at his words, using your sleeve to wipe away your tears as you try to stay as silent as possible. 

But your hand flies to your mouth to smother a sob as Calum gets down on one knee in front of you, looking up at you with glassy eyes as he finishes his speech.

"I adore you, I admire you, and y/n, I love you with my whole heart. I'm the luckiest man in the universe to have you, and I would take an arrow to the knee for you any day of my life. I've loved you since our first date, and if I can only be sure about one thing in this world, it's that I'm going to love you for the rest of my life, a life that I want to spend the rest of with you." 

Opening the ring box in front of him, your eyes land on the most perfect ring you've ever seen in your life. A thin band engraved with flowers held a small diamond in its circle shaped setting, the white and silver complimenting the simple style and elegance of the ring that you knew had seen a love before yours. 

"Y/n, will you marry me?" 

You finally let out the sobs you had been trying to hold in, nodding your head furiously as you pulled Calum up from the floor. 

"Yes. In every lifetime, yes." You cry, pulling his face to yours and kissing him as hard as you could, the saltiness of your tears mixing with his as you heard the people around you burst into applause. 

You hadn't even taken notice of the crowd that had formed around you once they had seen Calum get down on one knee, but they were all captured in the background of the footage Mali had been recording the whole time for you to see later. 

Calum pulled back just long enough to slide the ring he was still holding onto your shaking hand, his own not much steadier as the adrenaline and relief hit him at full force. 

"I told you so!" Mali laughs happily, coming over and wrapping her arms around the two of your, excitement and love buzzing through your small group. 

Joy and Malcom join Mali in wrapping the two of you up in hugs, and when you finally do pull away from each other, the wet patch on his chest from your tears matches the one on your shoulder from his. 

Your tears lighten, but don't disappear as your hand sits perfectly in Calum's while you all walk out to the car, you and Malcom loading your baggage into the back before you climb into the car, sandwiched between Calum and Mali, both of them holding your hands as you drive home.

Your new fiancé wastes no time wrapping you up in hugs and kisses the second the door of his bedroom closes, your bags sitting beside it after you dropped them there once you and Calum had excused yourselves. 

Before you made your way upstairs, Joy had let you know that her and Malcom would be taking you all out to dinner that night to celebrate, but that was pushed to the back of your mind as you peppered kisses along Calum's jaw. 

You weren't sure if everyone had made a consciousness effort to give you two some time alone, but with Malcom heading back into work to collect some things, Joy going to visit a friend for coffee, and Mali meeting up with some friends at a recording studio for a couple hours, you and Calum were left alone. 

Knowing this, Calum pulls your face back up to his, pressing a heated kiss to your lips as he lifts you up to lay you down on the bed, climbing on top of you and letting his hands drift under your shirt. 

Pulling back for a moment, Calum hovers above you, looking down at you like you're the most precious thing he's ever had the honour to witness. And as you looked up to him, hands each side of his face, you could swear he was the most beautiful person the universe had created. 

"I've missed you-" you kiss him "-so much." 

You're met with a gorgeous smile as he tightly wraps his arms around you where your shirt was now riding up, flipping you over so you now rested on top of him, legs tangled together and pure bliss coursing through you. 

"I've missed you too, way too fucking much." He breaths, perfectly content for the first time in months. 

"Your family already know by the way." He adds with a sly smile, and you push yourself up so you can look at him. 

"That I'm engaged to the most amazing man on earth?" You question with a raised eyebrow. 

He just grins, nodding as you rest your head against his neck. 

"I video called your parents yesterday, told them my plan. I asked if I could marry you months ago though." 

Your eyes go wide at his casual tone, like he hasn't just told you one of the sweetest things on earth. 

"Everyone knew but me." You deadpan. 

"Mhm. Sorry love." He apologises, kissing the top of your head. 

"Don't be sorry, I wouldn't have changed anything about it." 

You reach up to kiss his jaw once more, snuggling even closer to him and letting out a soft sigh, peace finally settling in you as you laid in his arms again, him squeezing you as close as he possibly could. 

"Told you I'm not letting you go again." 

Taglist: @spicycal @calmlftv @irwinkitten  @mrandleer @candidcal  @lukeskisses  @wallflowercal  @brooklynsninenine ​ @whereveryouares @everyscarisahealingplace​

[mxpseudonym]

Hell or High Water: Part II

Pairing: Tommy x OC

Summary: Having a detective as a partner pays off when you’re a gangster.

Length: 1704 words (allegedly)

Warnings: Swearing

Ask: Hell or high water is amazing ! can u write a 2nd part where she talks to polly and the rest of the family and maybe something happens so that they learn to trust her ? - Anonymous

A/N:  I hope this is up your alley, anon! I was writing this and was lowkey scared for Sara’s future and may make a part III, but I don’t really know. 

Part I: Hell or High Water ; Masterlist

--

It had been nearly a year since Polly had declared Sara what she was: not a Shelby and never to be one. Sara moved back to London for more pressing assignments, and, to her absolute delight, Tommy kept his promise. He got a reasonably sized apartment for himself when he bought Ada's house. Sara would stay there with him when he visited, lovely suspenders and trousers already in the drawers.

"How did you manage all of this?" She asked as she looked into the wardrobe. Tommy wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her shoulder.

"I've got my ways, Miss Miller. One day I'll convince you to move in here too," he mumbled that last bit.

"But then it wouldn't be very inconspicuous would it," she pointed out. Instead of an answer, Tommy tugged her button-down from her trousers and continued her undressing. 

Even for a short amount of time, you learn more about someone when you live with someone. Sara already did an impeccably good job at reading him, but she had gotten too good. She never let on, but Sara knew what flour on his pants leg and the lingering smell of illegal rum meant. She also knew that it was only a matter of time before it happened. 

"Fuck me," she murmured to herself when she opened the file that was waiting on her desk after lunch. She sat and read up on the man she would surely be in bed with that weekend. "Thomas Michael Shelby, decorated veteran. At least it's interesting." There was a knock at the door, and her boss's pageboy was standing there a folder in hand.

"Chief Harrington would like to see you at the half-hour, Miss," he said. Soon enough, she was sufficiently annoyed with her love and standing in front of her Chief Harrington, file in hand.

"Miller, give me a good reason to not arrest those Peaky Blinder scoundrels right now," Harrington said so calmly. "They've scurried up the river and into Camden and brought a few boatloads of workers with 'em. If nothing else, they're poking at the whole Jewish Italian gang nonsense. Inciting violence, all of 'em." The balding man placed his pipe in his mouth and stoked it. 

If she were honest and good at her job, she'd tell him to do it. There was a multitude of sins committed by the razor gang that couldn't be taken back even if they wanted to, which they didn't. The Shelbys were agitating the already war-like street corners in the city. But that's not what she said. Because Sara had been hired by Chief Harrington for her "magic trick." But she was too good. There were things she'd found that he'd tell her to hide. These cops weren't on the straight and narrow, they were all in somebody's pocket. And men like Harrington wanted to be in good graces with the right people. She deserved acting in her best interests sometimes.

"Sir, we can't arrest them," Sara said. "It's out of our jurisdiction until we have evidence. More importantly, your contract is being revisited this year," she said. Harrington looked up in surprise and intrigue. He loved power indeed.

"And?"

"While the Peaky Blinders may be moving into London, it won't be as impressive to stop them as it would to stop, say, Charles Sabini. Also, the Peaky Blinders' leader, Thomas Shelby, is a decorated veteran, Sir. A tunneler. He's been of help to Winston Churchill in recent years."

"Bloody hell," Harrington coughed on his smoke. "Why haven't I heard about this before?"

"It's not well known. I had to do some work to find it," Sara responded vaguely to which he smirked.

"That's right, your little parlor trick. Alright, that's your professional opinion?" He looked her over. Still not happy he couldn't make out her curves, it seemed.

"Yes, that's my professional opinion."

"Bury it then. We'll only revisit if we have to," Harrington told her then promptly shooed her out of the office.

After work, she packed a small bag and took the train to Small Health. The whole time she thought about her relationship with Tommy. Where was it going, and could they actually get there? Their paths would keep crossing like this until one of them stopped. But when would that be? When Tommy went above board? She laughed at that one. That would be a sight to see. But she wouldn't leave her job until she was booted, which didn't seem that unlikely with the way corruption was going. Still, unlikely. She sighed and let her eyes close until it was announced she was at her destination. 

The Shelby's had family meetings when needed, and lately, that had been more. Tommy checked his watch in the dim light of his office and began putting his work away. He had reports from London that would, hopefully, shut the worriers up a bit. This was good. A knock sounded at his door, and he told them to come. 

"Sara?" He stood as she walked in and looked around. 

"This is nice," she commented on his office, picking up a decorative paperweight on her way to him. 

"Couldn't wait 'til Saturday?" Tommy moved to the front of his desk and leaned against it. Sara avoided answering any question and decided to kiss him instead. She was even surprised by how passionate it was considering her frustration.

"You're so stupid," she murmured between kisses. Tommy's brow furrowed, but his arms wrapped around her to pull her closer anyway. She sighed into the embrace. "I love you."

"What's wrong," he asked once they were forced to breathe once again. Honestly, he half expected this to be another lecture about him smoking three packs of cigarettes a day when he was supposed to be down to two. He couldn't figure out how she could tell. Maybe it was his shoes?

"Tommy, what have I always said about you and my work?" She asked. The flicker of realization told Sara that Tommy knew exactly what she meant. "The ABC, Tommy? Alfie fucking Solomons?"

"It needs to happen. Don't worry, we won't unionize," Tommy chuckled but stopped when she shook her head.

"I don't just work on unions, Tommy. That was just one assignment. Your file came across my desk today. 100 men shipped to Birmingham doesn't just go under the radar in a gang war," she explained. 

"Okay, so what do we need to prepare for? A raid?" His arms left her waist to cross over his chest.

"No, I took care of it. You're okay for now. But you should know this happened." Sara stepped away with a sigh 

"What do you mean, took care of it?"

"You have a family meeting in 10 minutes, don't you?" She asked and checked his watch. 

"I do. What gave it away this time?"

"You don't just stop working at 8pm. Your lights are off, and you were putting things away when I got here, but you're not tipsy, so you'll be speaking later." She waved off the process and motioned for him to stand. "I'll walk with you and tell you what happened." She only planned to walk to the doors of the betting shop and wait in the Garrison after, but Tommy swept her inside.

"You deserve to be here," was all he said. He never expected Sara to use her job to help them out. Had he hoped? Of course. But she did it on her own. Sara's attempts to object were ignored as he sat her down. His family came bumbling in a moment later, conversation stopping when they saw the young detective at the table.

"What the fuck is this, Tommy," Polly spat, pulling out a cigarette. 

"Just listen, Pol. We have some news about London," Tommy told her then motioned them all to sit. It didn't take long to explain, and Sara was there to answer questions about the cops and the law. She told them which policemen were working for Sabini, and who was susceptible to bribing as well. It wasn't her intention, but she was already in deep. 

"Good to know, Sara," Arthur nodded, taking a drink of whiskey. It was the first time she'd heard any of the Shelby's positively utter her name. 

"I'm always here to help." She smiled and let Tommy wrap up the meeting. Polly still didn't look entirely happy with Sara, especially when she was invited to the Garrison. While Tommy went to talk to his brothers, Sara sought out the Shelby matriarch. 

"I won't deny what you're doing for my family. That doesn't mean I'm opening my arms to you," Polly said before taking a drag of her cigarette. "And if you think,"

"Polly," Sara stopped her. Polly was about to snap for being interrupted, but the young detective continued. "I know that Tommy wants you to take me in, but I want you to know it's okay if you don't. I promise. You have a family to protect, and I think you also have yourself to protect."

"I don't need your pity."

"I don't have pity to give," Sara said. "I respect you a whole lot, Polly. I happen to love Tommy a lot too, so I'm not going to stay away from him unless he wants it. But, I'm not going to make you like the law when I think they've hurt you more than some of the others know." She gave Polly a sympathetic smile. "Not that I could force you to do anything anyway." 

"You're damn right," said Polly, though her eyes were a bit misty. 

"If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I think I, unfortunately, understand what you may have gone through." Sara pulled a card from her pocket and handed it to Polly. 

It was a tense situation, but with a little time, things between Sara and the Shelby's worked out. Sure, things got a little less honest at work, but there had to be a trade-off somewhere. Sara liked to think being invited to family dinners by Polly and the few lunches they had in London even warranted some trust. And Polly Shelby's confidence in any person went quite far. 

--

Original ask: May I request something for Tommy Shelby where he falls for a woman who is very unique (wears suits instead of dresses, but still has long hair, is quite like Sherlock Holmes yk knows how to deduce and is a detective, insanely intelligent) and he smiles a lot more etc and his family is a little skeptical since he's a detective and they think she's like Campbell but they both really love each other? - @midwinternightz

Tommy: @soleil-dor

[ashisbaeee]

Are You Happy?

A/N:  while planning out chapter 10 for Her, this idea came to mind. I didn’t want to wait til the end of the series to post it, so here you go! haha. I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I have enjoyed writing this for you all. sorry for any errors.  as always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. enjoy💗

2.3k words(as you can see I got carried away😬)

italics are Y/N’s thoughts 

___________________________

     You couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that now resided in the pit of your stomach. Something was up and you couldn’t lay a finger on what it was exactly. Maybe it was the amount of stress that you’ve been dealing with for quite some time due to the fact of being short-staffed for a couple weeks now; everyone scrambling about in your unit, their bodies running on a few hours of sleep and consuming rather dangerous amounts of caffeine. Stress and work loads were through the roof, while morale ran on the opposite side of the spectrum. Every single one of your fellow coworkers trying their absolute bests to push through and  do their assignments for the day. Maybe that was the probable cause of your uneasiness. Who knows, because you sure as hell weren’t. Due to your long (and I mean long) long hours spent at work, you kind of neglected everything else. You were so focused on your job that you put everything-your life, your family, your friends, and last but not least your boyfriend, Tom on the back burner. They have all in some way became an afterthought, as terrible as that sounds. 

       But it could also be your current relationship with Tom that has you feeling this way. If you were being honest, you can’t remember the last time you guys did something together. It had been a few weeks or so since you guys had last gone out on a date. Tonight, you were going to change all that; after coming home from work you decided that you were going to spend some much needed quality time with him. Even if it ends up just being you both cuddled on the couch as a movie played-just enjoying being in each other’s company and feeling the heat of his body against yours as he lazily ran his fingers through your hair like you liked as you returned the favor and drew imaginary shapes and lines on his arm and chest, or  if you did something totally different and you guys cooked dinner together. Literally anything, you didn’t care what the activity was, as long as you were together spending time, that’s all you wanted. 

    During your break, you sent him a text asking if he wanted to eat something specific for dinner or if he was open to do something when you got home from work. About an hour or so after hitting ‘send’ you felt your phone buzz. Sure enough, it was your man. He replied saying he was open to do anything not before saying that he’d be a little late in coming home, about 45 minutes after you’ve arrived home since he and the boys had gone out to the golf course. 

   7pm couldn’t come any sooner. After giving report to the night shift nurses, you hurriedly ran to the locker room to grab your belongings and headed out the door. As soon as you got to your car, you took your phone out to text him. 

Y/N: Hey babe. I am on my way home. Would you like me to pick something up for dinner? Or do ya wanna cook something up together? 

Tom🥰♥️: hey, I don’t care. Anything sounds good to me. The guys and I are on our way home. Mind if they join us? 

Anything. That doesn’t make things easy! I was kinda hoping you’d give me options so it would make things a bit easier. What would they like? Pizza? Chinese? Italian? I was kinda hoping it just be us two, but I guess they can come over for a while. I mean it has been a while since I had last seen them anyways. So I guess it’ll be nice to catch up for a bit. Maybe tomorrow we’ll spend time together, just the two of us.  I wonder if I should ask if they’d like me to pick up some beer. 

Y/N:  no, of course I don’t mind. It’d be nice to catch up with them. does pizza sound ok? do you want me to get beer? 

Tom🥰♥️: yeah that’s fine.. get pepperoni, Hawaiian and plain. we already got the beer. 

Is it me or does he seem angry? Annoyed maybe? There’s definitely some kind of tone to these texts. Our conversation all day has been dry. This isn’t really like him. This is not his usual texts. I guess I’ll have to see when I get home. Let me be wrong, please. 

Y/N: ok. Got it. I’ll see you soon. I love you. 

Tom🥰♥️: k, see u

Well damn, okay. He hit me with the ‘K’ response. There is definitely something wrong. He didn’t even say ‘I love you back’. He ALWAYS says it. Did I forget something? An important day? His birthday? Someone in his family’s birthday? Our anniversary? Or did I say something?  Did I do or did not do something, did I say something for him to act this way towards me? Ugh, I guess I’ll find out sure enough once I get home. 

During your drive home you replayed everything. You frantically looked through your calendar to see if in fact you had unknowingly missed an important event, but there was no indication of anything. From what you could remember, there was nothing that you said or an event that you had missed. nothing , absolutely nothing came to mind as your mind tried to conjure up a plausible reason for his new found coldness. 

As you pulled into your driveway, you saw Haz’s car, signaling they were all home. As aforementioned earlier, Tom said they’d arrive some time after you but seeing as you stopped to pick up the pizzas, they managed to get home before you. Miraculously, with everything you were holding, you managed to open the front door. As soon as the guys were aware of your struggle, Sam jumped up from his seat on the couch to lend a hand. Once he set the boxes of pizzas on the coffee table, be brought you in to give you a hug, not before asking how you were doing and stating how he and the rest of the family had missed you dearly. One by one the rest of the squad, Haz, Harry, and Tuwaine and greeted you and briefly hugged you. Tom was the last one. He gave you a short smile(a pretty fake one) before he hugged you and kissed your forehead. Your forehead for crying out loud. It wasn’t like you guys never showed any PDA in front of the guys but this, this was way out of character for him. There was clearly something bothering him, and you were going to make it your mission to find out what it is. It would have to be delayed a bit since you had no intentions of causing a scene with all the guys here. 

You quickly went into the kitchen to grab plates and napkins as well as a bottle of water for you. Once you arrived back into the living room, you passed each one a plate as you all began to eat. During dinner, you managed to catch up with everyone. All the lads telling you what was new with them and updating the group with whatever was new on your end, and venting about work. They had then proceeded to ask you when you’d be able to take time off of work so that collectively y’all would do something. They lads sharing that they have all missed you dearly. You had missed them too. You told them that you’d talk with your manager the next time you were scheduled to work to see when that would be; hoping it was sooner rather than later. The stress was really taking its toll on you. 

Hours passed and many many laughs later, the lads decided it was time to call it a night. You took a look at you phone-2:30am. Everyone not really wanting the night to end. This was long overdue. During your laughs and when one told a funny story or was just talking about something, your eyes always found your way to Tom. Usually, he’d lock eyes with you. But not this time. This time around, he made eye contact with everyone BUT you. Whenever you spoke or if someone had asked you a question, his eyes went straight to the floor. Whatever was there was way more interesting than you. You took in his appearance; he seemed rather tense, as if he was on guard or something. And you kept replaying your whole interaction when you came home. How when you looked into his eyes, his eyes looked different. It appeared to be more dull, there was no sparkle or glimmer in his eyes. And as you sat where you were and indeed looked over at his direction and watch his facial expressions, it validated that there seemed to be no sparkle-no joy to be found. Something was off with him.

Wow, it’s half past 2? It sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. This was nice. It was amazing to unwind and just chill with friends. Oh how I’ve missed this. 

You bid the guys good night as you went on to clear the empty pizza boxes and beer bottles that littered the living area. Once all was said and done, you went upstairs to your shared bedroom. 

As you laid in bed, you took this time to catch up with your man. 

You sat up, your head against the headboard as you initiated the conversation. 

“Hey babe, how was your day? I’ve missed you”

“It was fine. Yeah missed you too”

“Tom, can you please look at me?”

“I’m trying to sleep, Y/N”

“Just for a second, please?” you shamelessly begged. 

With a deep sigh, he finally complied to your wish. 

“Yes?”

Sure enough, it was the same lifeless stare. 

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine” 

“You say you’re fine, but more importantly are we fine? Because you seem a bit distant. Did I do or not do something? I know I have been so focused with work and all but did I forget something? An important date? I looked at my calendar and I didn’t see any events scheduled. Or did I say something? Can you please talk to me and let me know what I did wrong? Because I know something’s on your mind and I would like to try and help you. Y’know we can talk about anything, right?”

Silence. Absolute silence. And it was eating you alive, absolutely killing you. This dead air between your bodies was unbearable. 

“Tom?”

“Just thinking is all”

“Thinking about?”

“About us. Where we stand” 

S I L E N C E 

He sighs again before continuing on. 

“Just how things changed between us”

“What changed between us? Besides us not really spending as much time together?”

“I-I uh, I uhm, I don’t know”

“A-are you not happy? Are you not happy in this relationship? Do I not make you happy anymore? Tom, please. I’m begging you, please talk to me. Can you please let me know how things have changed between us? Is there someone else?” 

“No, there’s no one else. I, I don’t know. I mean yeah, I was before. I was happy, uh, I think I’m happy. I don’t know. I guess you being busy and us not being able to spend time got me thinking is all”

He’s not happy? What? He was happy before but doesn’t know if he is now? he doesn’t know? He’s been thinking? Of what? How can he say this all cool and nonchalantly? 

“Y-you-you’re not happy?” your choked response pierced the air. As you shamelessly started to break down and dissolve into tears. Not caring how you would look, not even bothering to wipe the ceaseless tears that fell from your cheeks, to your sweater and ultimately unto the blanket.  

He sat across from you in bed as he watched your face contort in this newfound pain. He hated seeing you cry. His actions may not have shown it, but this was painful for him too.This was pain on a whole different level. This pain affected you mentally, physically and emotionally. He sat in silence. I mean, what does one say to that? How does one respond?

As you cried, you felt his eyes on you. You dared not look in his eyes. As you bawled your eyes out, a part of you hoped that he would say something, anything. Anything to break this unbearable situation. But nothing. 

His lack of response was in fact a response. You’ve got your answer. Message received, Tom. 

With that, you got up and walked to your closet. You pulled out a duffel bag as you haphazardly threw your clothes in it. 

He watched you intently as you stuffed your bag. Still not saying a word. 

Once you were done, you turned your body to talk to him, eyes glued to your beige colored carpet. 

“I know work has been crazy but never would I have thought that it would lead to this.  If you aren’t happy being with me, who am I to stop you from finding your ultimate happiness? I’m not cruel and evil; I would never do that to you. That would be so selfish of me to do so. You have every right to be happy. You truly deserve to be happy and everything more. I am sorry for wasting your time and I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to do so. I want you to be happy, even if that means us not being together. What a ride this has been. So go out there, go out into the world and find that person that truly makes you happy. Someone that brings you nothing but joy. Take care of yourself, Tom” you murmured as you  slung the duffel bag straps on your shoulders and proceeded your way down the stairs and out the door. Out of his life forever.

___________________________

tagging some mutuals: @hollandroos @parkeret @gab-spidey @roses-hxlland @unholyholland @sleepybesson @moonlightom @peterpcrker @hollandinq @ihrielloyer @spideybitey18 @jackiehollanderr

[softyoongiionly]

Fear and Dumplings: Chapter Six

Confronting your fears for a final grade sounds unappealing but, with Yoongi as your partner, things might not be so bad.

Summary: You’re in your final semester at University when your Abnormal Psychology professor assigns you a partnered project surrounding your greatest fears. Lucky for you, your partner just so happens to be a cute boy named Min Yoongi.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: College Au, Underground Rapper! Yoongi, Soft!!! Yoongi, Fluff!!!, some moderate angst (later), smut (later later),  slow-ish? burn

Word Count: 5.1K

A/N: I’m literally on fire after writing this chapter lol. I hope you like it!😊

Warnings for this Chapter: mentions of fear, anxiety, sadness, some angst aka Jimin is an insecure boy who is unaware that he is literaly heaven on earth, swearing, suggestive situations/concepts, if you squint really hard you can see the beginnings of smut.

Warnings for the Fic: mentions characters confronting their fears, characters in uncomfortable situations, emotional moments between characters, mentions of bad parenting, explicit language throughout the fic, moderate angst, and very explicit smut later in the story.

Chapter 6: Doubt and Shadow Demons

You’re lying on your bed in one of your many baggy t-shirts, smiling like an idiot at your phone. Jimin had sent you screenshots of what he believed to be Yoongi’s twitter. If Jimin wasn’t aiming to be a dancer, you would have suggested a career as a private investigator because,  he could literally find anyone. You hadn’t asked Jimin to go looking for more information on Yoongi but, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested. His Twitter was mostly black, no bio and, no location but, the avatar was a picture of Yoongi wearing headphones, his newly blonde hair disheveled as he smiled at the camera. He really had no business being that cute. ‘@agustd93’ was his handle and you furrowed your brows in confusion as you tried to decipher what it could mean.  Yoongi didn’t seem to tweet much, he just retweeted a lot of music equipment accounts however, there were a few scattered tweets here and there that made you laugh.

“Roommates are drunk, again. They can’t hold their alcohol for shit.”

“Update: Drunk Hobi is obsessed with my cheeks and, I swear if he pinches them one more time, I’m going to cut his hands off.”

“Another Update: Joon just started crying after explaining to me that, “we are all just little flowers in the garden of life, trying to find our bees.” What the fuck does that even mean?”

You giggle, shaking your head, your thumb scrolling down to search for more tweets. There were more scattered between retweets of what you assumed to be the latest music equipment as Yoongi quoted some of the them with captions like ‘Dream Studio’ and ‘if only I wasn’t broke.’ You kept scrolling before coming across a tweet that made your stomach flutter.

‘Where? Everywhere.’

Fuck. He tweeted that last night. After you and Yoongi got off the Ferris Wheel, you actually ended up having a pretty decent time. The two of you got dinner at the park and wrote your experiences down in your research journals. Yoongi acted like the conversation on the Ferris Wheel never happened but, he seemed to warm up to you more and more as the night progressed. But still, nothing flirty occurred between the two of you and, Yoongi was very careful not to get too close to you. The whole thing was very confusing, one minute, Yoongi’s admitting that he would kiss you ‘everywhere, if you let him’ and, the next minute he’s treating you like he normally did. This tweet was sent at 11:30 which would have been around the time he got back to his place. Maybe it wasn’t about you, Yoongi seemed to have a habit of being vague and, he easily could have been talking about something else but, none the less, it made your heart skip a beat.

Did you like Yoongi? More importantly, did it matter? You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of your complicated thoughts as you rolled out of bed. Marzipan throws a complaint your way as you walk past her lounging at the end of the mattress. Normally, you would be out at your favorite crepe café gossiping with Jimin over some iced coffee but, Jimin had texted you the night before saying that his showcase rehearsal was running late and he didn’t think he’d get any sleep if he met up with you. You had of course met this with an abundance of understanding as you knew better than anyone how hard Jimin had been working at his showcase routine. So, instead of meeting up with your best friend, you planned on working on your final paper for your International Relations course. You had been working on it all semester and, felt accomplished that for once, you didn’t procrastinate. Green tea was essential for today’s writing session so; you brewed a decent sized pot before, continuing your paper. Marzipan eventually made her way out into your living room, opting to sprawl out on the couch, claiming her space as usual.

After writing for some time, you glance at the clock at the bottom of your laptop and your eyes widen. Shit. You had been writing for 4 hours. How was it possible that much time had passed? You had gotten a lot done, adding an additional 6-7 pages to the giant that was your final paper. Just after leaning back in your chair and stretching your limbs, your phone lights up with a text message.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): I miss the squad tho.

You giggle at the message, your heart warming as you reply.

BROS 4 LYFE: me too tho :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): me 3 tho :/ :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): MY BABIES :( i miss u guys.

A hint of sadness plucks at your chest as you read the messages being sent in by your friends. You had made new friends in school and, college had been an overall fun time but, you had to admit that you never stopped missing having all three of your bestfriends in one place. The past four years hadn’t been the same without them and you couldn’t wait til the four of you graduated so, that you could finally have your group back together again. Jungkook had been drafted to play pro ball on a minor league team in your current city and, Taehyung had made the decision earlier in the semester to pursue his masters in art history at the school you and Jimin were currently attending. This meant that in a few short weeks, everything would back to normal for a little while.

BROS 4 LYFE: only a few more weeks my dudes, we got this.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook) stay on that grind squad, college grad hours are about to be open.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): kookie and tae, will you be here for my showcase? It’s two weeks before graduation.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): duh. We wouldn’t miss it for the world Jiminie.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): yea we would never miss a chance to see the world’s shortest ballerina.

Your eyes widen as you laugh, already imagining Jimin igniting in fury when he reads the message. His reply comes before you are able to chime in.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): YAH! IM NOT A BALLERINA!

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): I AM A CONTEMPORARY DANCER.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THE CHAMPION CONTEMPORARY DANCER

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THREE YEARS RUNNING THANKYOUVERYMUCH

At this point you’re in a full blown laughing fit, shaking your head as your fiery best friend pops off in the chat.

BROS 4 LYFE:  go best friend, that’s my best friend.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): let the record show that Kookie bought 12 of the limited edition Jimin shirts that your school sold after he won the championships.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T TELL

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): >:)

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): love u kookie

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): …love u too…

The responses eventually dwindle down and, you decide to hop in the shower to tend to the mop of hair that was growing slightly greasy on your head. Afterwards, you throw on a cozy sweatshirt and your favorite pair of fuzzy pajama shorts and, settle on the couch to watch some Netflix. You hadn’t had a night in to yourself in a long time and, it felt amazing to be able to sit around and, do nothing.  Marzipan made her way up your body before, snuggling up in the free space between you and the edge of the couch. As your fingers absentmindedly stroke her fur, you feel your lids becoming heavier and heavier and, finally, you drift off into a much needed nap.

Needless to say, the nap turned into you passing out around 7:30 and, sleeping through the night until, finally, you awake to the ethereal sound of the never-ending city construction. You grumble as you pull the covers over your head to drown out the noise causing Marzipan, who clearly hadn’t left her spot all night, to flee from the couch.  Checking your phone, you noticed a few messages from your group-chat and a snapchat or two from some of your other friends. After responding to the majority of your missed messages, you drag yourself off of the couch and into the kitchen to make some coffee. The microwave displayed the current time: 7:45am; an unholy time to be awake on a Saturday morning. The coffee was finishing up before a loud knock at your door caused you to jump out of your skin. Who the hell was at your house at 7:45 in the morning? You gingerly made your way to the door, hoping that it was just someone from maintenance. Opening the door, you nearly scream as a tuft of pink hair practically collapses into your arms. It was Jimin and, he was crying.

“Jimin, babe, what’s wrong?” You hold him to you, your eyes wide with concern as you usher him into your apartment.

“I can’t do it y/n, I can’t do anything right.” He cries into your t-shirt, his hands clutching you as if you’re about to slip away.

You rub his back, maneuvering you both onto your couch, Jimin clinging to you all the while.

“Hey, hey, that’s not true at all.” You murmur soothingly. “Jimin, what brought this on? Did something happen?”

Jimin, still crying, nods, as the tears stream down his puffy cheeks.

“I’ve been rehearsing for…for 36 hours…and I ca…can’t….do it…I can’t get it right. I ke…keep messing up. I’m n…not getting it…they’re…they’re going to drop me from the showcase if I can’t do it….they…they will…” At this point, your heart is broken, your usually smiley best friend is completely shattered, sobbing, into your arms. You hadn’t seen him like this since he had his first serious breakup sophomore year and, even that couldn’t compare to what you saw before you.

“Shh…minnie…it’s ok, it’s ok, I got you.” You gingerly tilt his swollen face towards yours, your eyes holding an immense amount of emotion as you gaze into his. “Listen to me ok? You can’t rehearse like that, you’re going to burn out and, get hurt. You have to rest. You’ve been practicing non-stop for the entire semester. You could do that routine in your sleep babe. The only reason you probably messed up is because you are exhausting yourself.”

Before you can even finish, Jimin’s eyes well up with tears once again as he shakes his head.

“No…no…you don’t understand…y/n…the coaches came to watch me last night and, I fell…I fell and they…they said that they were disappointed with my progress…and that I need to do better…so…I had to stay to re…rehearse…cause I failed. I failed y/n, I failed.” Jimin bursts into another fit of sobs as he clutches you tighter and, you actually have to hold back the tears that are pricking the corners of your own eyes.

“Dancers fall all the time Jiminie, it’s ok, you had been rehearsing all day. Every free moment you have, you spend in the studio practicing. I know it must have been so hard to fall in front of your coaches but, hey,” You tilt his face to you once more before he can hide away in your arm again. “You are Park fucking Jimin. You are the youngest collegiate dancer to win the national showcase and, the ONLY dancer to win it three years in a row. Dancing is like breathing to you. Audiences are mesmerized as soon as you step on the stage. You did not fail. You are exhausted. You can’t work yourself like this or, there won’t be a Park Jimin to win the showcase four years in a row.” As your words tumble out of your mouth, Jimin begins to calm down, still sniffling lightly, he hugs you again, his normally sparkling eyes, heavy with exhaustion.

“I’m so scared…y/n…there’s so much pressure and, I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it if I disappoint anyone.” You place a chaste kiss to the top of his bubblegum hair as you nod.

“It’s ok to be afraid, this is something you really want and, when we really want something, the thought of failing can be crippling but, you have worked so unbelievably hard.  No one deserves this more than you do. Try and have a little faith in yourself ok? There is nothing you can’t achieve. You have something so magical within you.  Working hard is good but, everyone has their limit and, if you keep pushing yourself like this, you won’t be healthy enough to achieve all of the amazing things I know you are capable of.” Your voice has dropped to an even lower volume as you continue rubbing Jimin’s back. He is looking up at you with intense focus but, you can tell he is on the verge of crashing.

“You promise? You promise you believe I can do this?” He whispers and, your heart shatters in pieces that someone whom you care so deeply for, is in so much pain.

“I don’t just believe Jimin, I know.” You whisper back before jerking your head to the other end of the couch. “Can you please try and sleep for me? When you wake up, we can go somewhere, or we can stay in,its up to you. Just try and rest of a while.” At your request, Jimin lets out a yawn, his lips pressing to your shoulder once more before he flops back onto the couch, still sniffling lightly.

You help him out of his shoes and his coat before grabbing a blanket and, literally tucking him in.

“Thank you y/n.” Jimin whispers, practically half asleep, his hand holding yours lightly.

“You don’t have to thank me, that’s what best friends are for. I’ve cried on your couch a few times too, remember.” You smile fondly as Jimin lets out a twinkling giggle, happy to see that he’s feeling somewhat better.

“I love you.” He whispers, his eyes beginning to shut.

You squeeze his hand lightly before replying.

“I love you too Jimin.”

Jimin drifts off a few moments later, his light snores filling your living room. Your heart feels achy as you reply the last few moments over in your head. You knew your words wouldn’t be enough to completely take away Jimin’s uncertainty but, you were so grateful that he came to you instead of suffering in silence. Jimin had a history of feeling this way right before a showcase. He had done something similar to this your freshman year before, winning and subsequently making history. It absolutely devastated you to see him hurting but, you meant everything you said. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that Jimin was going to go far in life; you just hoped one day, he could see it for himself.

—————————————————————————————————-

“The dark and the ocean….I think maybe it’s time that we start tackling our fears one by one, what do you think?” You look over at Yoongi, who nods from behind his phone.

“Yeah, I think so too. I don’t know how we’d combine the dark and the ocean anyway.” His voice was slightly scratchier than normal but, when you had asked if he was sick, he told you that he had lost his voice at a concert he went to the night prior. For whatever reason, you didn’t believe him but, rather than prying, you opted to enjoy the sound of Yoongi’s raspy voice becoming even raspier.

“If we did, it would be terrifying and, I would probably die.” You state bluntly, causing Yoongi to scoff in disbelief, shaking his head at you.

“You’re so dramatic.” He chastises, smirking lightly, tapping away at his phone. You shrug, not bothering to disagree with him as you doodle on the corner of your paper. “Are you comfortable confronting this fear directly? I don’t know how you would imagine it, unless, you just imagine yourself in a dark room.”

The shudder that passes through your body was completely involuntary and, Yoongi notices it.

“You don’t have to, we can think of something else.” He assures, his almond shaped eyes, wrinkled slightly in concern. You shook your head insistently, putting on a brave face.

“No, its ok…I can do it. I won’t be alone so, it will be a little easier.” You force smile onto your mouth but, Yoongi isn’t buying it. Thankfully, he decides to accept your statement anyway.

“Does tonight work for you? I have a free Tuesday for once so, I figured we could do yours today and mine on Thursday.” Yoongi’s suggests, his demeanor returning to normal. You nod, leaning back in your chair, attempting to look casual but, your heart jumped slightly in your chest.

“Yeah, that’s fine, what time?” You needed to know how much time you had to straighten up because, you definitely left dirty dishes in the sink and, you were quite certain that you dropped a pair or two of clean underwear whilst running late this morning.

“Well, it doesn’t get dark until 7:30-8 so, maybe around then?” Yoongi cocks his head slightly, his eyes sleepy as usual. You had never had such a strong urge to tuck someone into bed and, kiss their forehead until you met Min Yoongi. That boy needs more sleep.

“I’m good with that yeah. Are we eating together or do you want to eat before you come?”

“I’ll bring something, I have a lot to make up for since somebody, decided to buy our tickets last week.” He gives you a pointed look, disapproval gracing his features. You laugh, shrugging shamelessly, looking up at him.

“I guess you better bring something good then.” You insist, smiling, nudging his desk with your foot.

————————————————————————————————–

It was that very conversation that led you to where you were now:  belly full of That’s Amore’s pasta, apartment tidied up, and Yoongi glancing over at you curiously.

“What?” You giggle lightly, confused at his intense gaze before, he nods over to you.

“Why are you afraid of the dark?” He murmurs, his tone cautious but curious.

You bite your lip, as you feel your body grow slightly uncomfortable. Meeting Yoongi’s gaze, you attempt to sound as brave as possible before, answering his question.

“I…used to have really bad nightmares as a kid. I had them every night for almost two years.” You admit, your eyes moving to stare at the couch instead of continuing to look at Yoongi. “My parents finally took me to a doctor and they told them that I would eventually just grow out of it. They gave me something to help me sleep through the night and, over time, the dreams finally stopped but, I slept with my light on until I was like 14.” You giggle, trying to lighten the mood, not really enjoying the serious tone of the conversation.

Yoongi nods, regarding you earnestly from the other end of the couch.

“I’m sorry.” He says softly and, you can tell that he means it. You smile over at him, brushing it off.

“No, its ok, it happened a long time ago. I’m just still not a huge fan of the dark.” You explain, finally meeting his gaze again.

“You don’t have to do this, you can just keep talking about it…I don’t want you to feel afraid.” He insists, his tone firm and certain.

You nod, your smile growing more genuine.

“I can do it. I think it will be good for me and, like I said, I won’t be alone so, I don’t think it will be too bad.” You’re lying. The dark terrified you but, logically, you understood that there was nothing dangerous about it. You know you can do this.

Yoongi nods but, you can tell that he’s uneasy, his movements cautious and hesitant as he looks around your apartment.

“Ok, do you want to start slow? We could just turn off the lights first; the streetlights shouldn’t make it too dark.” He assures you, nodding toward the window but, you shake your head at his suggestion.

“No, I think it’s better if we just do everything now. I think prolonging it will just make me more nervous.” Your voice is growing smaller and, once you catch that, you sit up straighter.  As if, sitting up straighter would lessen the fear you felt. “Let’s do this.”

Yoongi nods and the two of you move to start closing the curtains and turning off the few lamps that you have on in your apartment. You both stand on opposite ends of your living room as Yoongi’s hand hovers over the main light.

“Are you ready?” He calls softly, his face littered with concern.

You nod, smiling tightly, bracing yourself for the darkness.

“You have to protect me if a shadow demon tries to eat me!” You insist, giggling, trying to lessen the tension as Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“There’s no such thing as shadow demons.” He counters, smirking before, he nods anyway. “But, yeah, I guess I’ll protect you if that happens.”

Your heart is picking up its pace in your chest as you attempt to pull a deep breath from your nose.

Yoongi looks at you pointedly and, before another question can pass his lips, you nod to the light.

“Go ahead. I’m good.” You assure him, putting on the bravest voice you can find.

There’s a click and then, darkness envelops your apartment. You could never have imagined that your apartment could get to this level of darkness. The room was pitch black, you held your hand out in front of your face and you saw nothing but a faint blob.

“Are you ok?” Yoongi calls softly from the other end of the room.

Another shaky breath passes your lips as you attempt to calm yourself.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m ok.” You assure him but, even you could tell that your tone wasn’t convincing. There’s a shuffling on the other end of the room that causes you to jump out of your skin. “What was that?”

“It’s just me; I’m trying to find my way to the couch.” Yoongi’s voice calms you and, you curse yourself for being so obviously afraid.

“Yeah, I should probably do that too. I don’t want to just stand here…vulnerable…where literally anything can attack me if it wanted to.” You muse casually and, this causes Yoongi to finally break out in his rickety laughter.

“Nothing is going to attack you, just come here and, be careful not to trip over anything. That’s the only real danger you need to worry about.” Yoongi’s voice is practically a whisper and, you use it to guide yourself to your sofa. You finally feel the familiar fabric and make your way around the arm of the couch before, tucking your body into one of the cushions. The heartbeat in your chest hasn’t lessened its pounding but, you feel slightly better that you’re not doing this alone.

“I made it.” You whisper but, Yoongi could already feel you sit down at the opposite end of the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Yoongi whispers back to you and, you feel yourself relaxing slightly at the sound of his voice. He really should be doing ASMR in his free time. Your mouth opens to lie again but, you end up sighing in defeat.

“I’m scared.” It’s the first time either of you have uttered this phrase since beginning your project and, you grow uneasy as you wait for his response.

“That’s ok.” He assures and then he falls silent for a moment. “I know it’s difficult for you. We can stop whenever you want.”

“I’m ok right now; my eyes are starting to adjust.”

Another moment of silence passes between the two of you and, you feel a familiar thickness in the air that seems to occur a lot when you and Yoongi are alone. You close your eyes for a moment, stifling your desire to mention it to him. He had made it very clear on the Ferris Wheel that he wasn’t interested in being with you that way… ‘right now.’

“You can…move closer to me, if you need to. I’m not sure if that will help but, you can try. I don’t mind.” Yoongi whispers and, his offer catches you completely off guard. Should you move closer to him?

Silently, you scoot your body down the length of the couch until you feel your shins meet Yoongi’s feet. He must have been sitting cross-legged on the couch and, now that you’re closer to him, you can make out his posture. He’s sitting with his legs crossed, his body turned to face the direction you were sitting, while his hands rested in his lap.

“Thank you.” You whisper, and you can sort of make out the faint smile ( :] ) on his lips.

“Is it any better?”

“Yeah, it is, actually, thanks.” You repeat your gratitude and you finally start to feel the anxiety subsiding from your chest. Yoongi was warm and, he smelt like berries and the ocean? An odd yet tantalizing combination that, in all honesty, made your stomach tighten. His hands are adorned with a few rings and your eyes squint in curiosity as you try to make out what they look like; regretting that you hadn’t checked them out when the lights were on.

“What are you trying to look at?” Yoongi’s whisper causes you to smile as  you realize that his eyes were also adjusted to the darkness and, he was probably wondering why you were staring intently at his lap.

“Your rings.” You giggle, your head jerking their direction. At your answer, Yoongi’s fingers flutter lightly in response, his head turning down to look at them.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t wear these a lot but, my roommate Namjoon got them for me and, started giving me shit for not liking them. So, I made a point to wear them more.” He explains his tone one of fondness and annoyance. Another laugh passes your lips as you nod in understanding.

“They look nice. Namjoon has good taste.” You compliment, feeling far more comfortable.

“Yeah, he’s alright, I guess.” Yoongi jests but, you know he doesn’t mean what he says, always hiding behind a snarky comment. Before you can speak again, Yoongi holds one of his hands out to you. “You can look at them if you want.”

Your heart stalls a moment as you look at Yoongi’s out stretched hand. The hand that had been on your own lap comes up to bring Yoongi’s closer to your view. The rings were actually beautiful and, you were thankful that the tiniest amount of light had escaped through the curtains so you could properly see them. There were four of them each covered in silver, the engravings depicting the four elements: Earth, fire, water, and air. You smile as your fingers gently examine Yoongi’s rings (hand). His hands were one of your favorite things about him. They were nearly double the size of your own, blue and green veins pushed slightly against the surface, fingernails bitten out of what you could assume as nervousness.  There is a light increase in your heart rate as you continue to examine Yoongi’s hand and, if he had noticed that you stopped looking at his rings, he wasn’t showing it. You tilt his hand up so, its perpendicular to your own, your fingertips only reaching the middle of his fingers, as you place your palm against his hand.

“Your hand is small.” Yoongi whispers but, this time, you detect a different tone from him that you can’t say you’ve ever heard before.

A small smile graces your mouth as you nod.

“Against yours it is.” The whisper that leaves your lips is almost in audible, your eyes find Yoongi’s and, you find him staring back at you, the faint streetlight illuminating his face. The two of you stare at each other as you feel Yoongi’s fingers lace with your own. Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you lick your lips in attempt to compensate for the dryness in your mouth. Without warning, the two of you are leaning towards each other, your shaky breathing intertwining momentarily before, your lips press together. Yoongi audibly lets out a sigh of what literally sounds like relief as he mold his lips against yours. You rise up on your knees lightly, in an attempt to get closer to him, your free hand coming up to gently touch his face. The butterflies that had been taunting you for the past month erupt in your stomach, your heart racketing against your sternum. Yoongi’s hand that was interlaced with yours slips out of your grip and, settles on your waist instead, pulling you into his body. Your lips are beginning to move against one another and, you actually feel Yoongi’s heartbeat rattling against your hand. The thought of you having that effect on him, makes you clench between your thighs. Your body moves to make its way into his lap but, before you make it there, Yoongi is slowly pulling away. He seems reluctant to stop, his swollen lips still pecking against yours as he presses his forehead to your own.

“I don’t want to stop but, I think…”His breathing is too ragged for him to speak properly, and you press your lips to his cheek in an attempt to sooth him, even though, your breathing is just as bad. “We….should slow down….”

You nod in agreement but, relish in the fact that Yoongi is still holding you close to him, your body leaning into his chest.

“You’re right.” You whisper in return, your breath just as shaky as Yoongi maneuvers you so, that you’re tucked into the side of his body. Your hand rests on his chest and you smile as you feel his heart pummeling against the palm of your hand. The two of you lay there for a moment in complete silence, Yoongi’s fingers play with your own  as you wait for the other to say something.

Surprisingly enough, it’s Yoongi who breaks the silence, his raspy whisper penetrating the darkness around you.

“Are you still scared?” He whispers softly, his eyes finding yours.

You look up towards him, a soft smile on your lips.

“No.”

Yoongi smiles back at you and, you can’t help but notice how shy he’s being, his eyes softer than you have ever seen before.

“Good.”

Maybe, the dark wasn’t so bad after all.

[leaveharmony]

It’s so hard to type on the tablet so I did only the briefest of summaries at the time.  An account of random Tana encounters in NYC over supercard weekend, cut for length.

Anyway - I’d promised @lone-gunwoman-of-the-week a new york postcard, which with one thing and another I had forgotten entirely about until Saturday, when we passed a big rack of them outside a touristy place down the street and I stopped dead and pointed, “POSTCARD!”

We were on a trek to Macy’s at the time, looking to get mum an emergency replacement purse because hers had blown out its zipper with all the stuff she was carrying in it - the last straw was after Wrestlecon when she couldn’t find her Metrocard, and then it just gave up the ghost.

(Macy’s was way too expensive as an aside - we ended up going to K mart lol.  Those all closed here like two decades ago!)

So we got the postcard, and then a stamp at the other gift shop in the hotel...only I was in pretty rough shape so we decided to go back up to the room so I could actually write the postcard & address and such.  So we went back down to mail it, conveniently at the letterbox at the other end of the lobby.

Like I say, @joshi-hashi by total coincidence booked us at the same hotel where the whole roster was staying, so over the course of three days I ran into / saw, including but probably not limited to: Kazu, Ishii, Sho & Yoh, Yano, Tacos, Goto, Shingo, Naito, EVIL, Will, Shibata & his lions, Juice, Zack (we kept riding the elevator with him lol), Jay, Tama, Haku, Yujiro, Gedo, Jado, Taguchi, Rocky, Ren, Shota, Red Shoes, Sato, Marty, MiSu, Taka, Kota, Kagatsu & a few of the other Stardom girls, Sumie...

Again, I was in rough shape and mum was faring no better, so in the window of time between waking up and the show, we could have gone and done more tourist stuff but after the subway disaster on Friday, we elected just to stay around home base, Saturday.  And I needed to sit down, so we picked a spot on one of the long padded couches in the lobby to recoup a little.  Not a minute later, Tacos, Goto & Yano rounded the bend from the elevator - we’d somehow managed to time it so that we were sitting there as literally everybody was making their way across to MSG for the show.  Hand on heart, total coincidence...I just wanted to mail a postcard lol.  As obviously times when you can just sit there comfortably and watch the whole NJPW roster walk past are fairly limited in number, we elected to stay a while.  Kazu actually came from the direction of the doors but he did have a suitcase, so I have no idea where he’d been - he grinned at us when we waved though.  Shota smiled too, Kota managed somehow to smile, wave and bow without even slowing down because that’s just the kinda guy he is.  MiSu looked at us like we were nuts every time we waved lol but we kept doing it anyway.  Most didn’t notice - I always feel like being to forward is rude so we just kept to our seat & waved rather than trying to get selfies or start a conversation - everybody was obviously all over everywhere and busy.

I couldn’t help myself on a very specific occasion, though.  “We’ll wait til 3:30,” I said casually, fooling no one.  We had the end bench right by the little dividing wall that obscures the elevators; he emerged nearly right next to me and I sprang up like a jack in the box.  My hair was pigtailed and I had my hat on rather than the feathered headband & ponytail, and I was dressed like a normal human being rather than wrestling Cinderella, but he remembered me ^_^  I didn’t want to detain him or anything so we just clasped hands again & I wished him luck - though I guess it didn’t help much.  But I was so happy just to see him again, for what I figured would be the last (probably only) time casually.  Two really sweet Japanese ladies also spotted him on the way out and physically chased him down the lobby to say hi lol.  The pillars were a little in the way but we could see him beaming while they gushed over him, and then they took a selfie.  I guess they must have complimented his hair (which looked fucking amazing) because he told them getting it done for the show cost $300 lol.  It absolutely looked it.  We were still sitting there when they came back and of course they noticed my Tana shirt - they both had his shirts on too (I think he might have signed them on the spot cos they were both proudly showing me the autographs).  So we had a really lovely chat in what they could manage in english (much much better than my broken Japanese).  Rachel appeared not long after, summoned by my mention of Kota going past, and so we all talked a while.  I just.  I love wrestling lol and the kinship of wrestling fans.

Later, after Supercard (which was on whole at least live very good, apart from some really, really stupid decisions on ROH’s part) it was past midnight when we got back to the room; our airport shuttle was due to arrive at 3:05 last we’d heard, but mum had a text message waiting RE: a slight bump up to 3:15, something schedule or logistics related I guess.  So we figured that there was no point going to bed as we’d maybe get two hours’ sleep before the wake up call and it’d be better to use the time packing and getting everything arranged.  When more or less everything was, I went up to floor 12 to sit up at the common table with Elle & Rachel (admittedly I broke into a bit of a sprint when Elle texted to say Tana’d gone past lol).  By another total coincidence as we were sitting there loudly discussing the show, an absolutely lovely gentleman who works in what sounded like a v. important position with NJPW World happened to walk past and overhear.  He’s obviously got a vested interest, so he u-turned as I was saying “If someone had only just casually seen this as a first introduction they’d probably come away concluding New Japan is amazing and ROH is terrible.”

“New japan is amazing?” he echoed, to a chorus of Yes’s.  So we had a chat for about twenty minutes giving him general feedback, telling him how we all met cos of NJPW, how we first heard about it, watch every show live, showed him all our costumes for the show, etc.  He got a handle on Elle and Rachel’s names but kept calling me “Hiroshi” because he’d seen me the day before at Wrestlecon in my Tana dress lmao.   He was a real sweetheart - a fan turned employee, living the dream.  He thanked us for paying his salary, essentially lol.  I should have thought to ask him about putting out an english subtitled version of Shinsuke’s Wonderland interview XD

But I had to run not long after he left, cos I’d cut it a bit fine with 20 minutes or so before the shuttle was scheduled.  We weren’t sure if the driver would come looking or if we had to be outside, so mum checked the keycards while I ran to see if I could ask the doorman, figuring he/they would keep a better watch and know what to look for, or just know which way it would be.  That early in the morning there wasn’t a doorman, though.  So to play it safe we stayed by the doors just inside, keeping watch, figuring at about five min before the appointed time we’d go outside.  “The lobby seems so empty without all the wrestlers in it,” mum remarked.  I figured that late, everyone must have gone to bed already.

Not long after though, TAKA came in with uh...let’s just say ‘some lady friends’ and hope they were fully informed lady friends.  “There, happy?” I said to mum, looking back towards the door in time to see Kota heading for it with a few of the accompanying entourage I figure must have been staff, translators and officials - they were everywhere too, this weekend.  I thought for a split second, ‘Oh good, I’ll be able to congratulate him!’ before he faded to a gentle haze in the background, as the sun himself said something on the way past and walked on by the door, towards Macy’s.  I don’t even think I said anything to mum but she probably understood when I took off at a dead sprint, not even bothering to drop my suitcase handle, just towing it behind me like a little red wagon.  I blew past Kota without even looking at him (I’m so sorry dude!!!!) and went as fast as my poor abused knee could carry me the way he’d gone - he hadn’t gotten far, just tucked around a little corner by the entrance - I think he was gonna do another selfie or panoramic lol. 

Again, the man is fucking unflappable, as he didn’t even raise an eyebrow when confronted with a disheveled, panting nutcase in a trenchcoat and newsboy cap being smacked in the back of her legs w/ her own suitcase at the abrupt stop.  “We’re just waiting for our airport shuttle!” I blurted.  “So I get to say goodbye!”

He actually managed to look happy to see me, bless his heart lol.  He thanked me for the third time, for the doll I made him, and I just said thank you for everything.  Again - I don’t like to be too forward, I don’t even think I could bring myself to ask for a hug, I’m too shy & too much of a headcase wrt fear of being a burden or an annoyance.  But he came at me first, and when the Ace has his arms open to you, there is but one possible course, and that course is to throw yourself into them lol.  He is a wonderful hugger :’)  It’s like being wrapped in the embrace of everything that is good and pure in this world & that’s not even hyperbole, that was really how it felt.

I’m so glad I got to say goodbye.  I mean...it would’t have broken my heart, you know?  There’s always that “Oh maybe I’ll see him again at random” thought in the back of the mind but it’s utterly without expectation.  But I was blessed enough to have the chance to speak to him twice, by chance. 

It really was like a lil fairytale; my lil wrestling Cinderella dream come true in a way I never would have actually believed.

[determined-in-slc]

easter rising (I)

I spent most of my Easters on lonely plane flights back and forth to see the family I no longer felt I had any part in. When the phone rang, I held my breath as if the person on the other line could hear me. And when the voicemails piled up, I felt sick for days with guilt. I had murdered my nuclear family; I didn't deserve the extended branch on my mother's side who still loved me. I abandoned my father's name, killing time in the purgatory before some guy seven to ten years older would offer me his. The one aunt from my father's side who still sent me messages saying, "Hey Sweetie, happy Easter and may God Bless u" never got an answer from me. I was ensconced in my city by the lake and I spent most every day shoring up my defenses against my own past. I never invited anyone to come see me anymore and I didn't celebrate anything, not even holy days of obligation. I rolled my eyes at my best friend's text messages before sending back responses so bland they almost sounded kind. I wanted to strangle anyone who ever felt at ease in my hometown anymore. 

I called my brother so we could talk about nothing and when people asked me how he was, I said he was good even though he was an alcoholic who felt constantly lonely. I'm sure he said I was good, too.

Someone once told me you don't have to take everything with you. I carried it, still.

(II)

To my boyfriends, the ones seven to ten years older than me which dated those flat years in my mid-twenties when I should have been falling desperately in love, I recounted story after story, whittling my bones down to fine, flayed points. I fed them scraps from the table of my body so they could pretend they were full, So that, by the time I fed them the story of the high school boyfriend who left me, the last boy who every called it off before I could cut and run, they thought they knew me. To them, that story whispered that I would crush them. To them, it didn't reveal the truth around which my spine curled: if I were to be hurt again, I felt I might die of it.

When you swing yourself from one disappointment to the next, you can form your pain into a kind of chrysalis. You can convince yourself that everything you bury will one day bloom, beautiful. But nothing is ever truly buried, is it? I was still sweating out my own abandonment in the haze of a thousand hangovers. I was like an apparition in a b-movie horror, still reenacting a final trauma.

Someone once told me that ghosts could be purified with salt and sage, but I never tried for fear I'd lose something.

(III)

I tried never to imagine my father. I tried never to call up the image of him curled with his own demons in the too-harsh light of early spring mornings. When I heard he lost another job, I didn't answer my phone for a week, always anticipating the next call would be one to prayer. Always waiting for my sister's broken voice, saying he'd been found in a garage somewhere or the side of a mountain, though I knew my father would never go anywhere that jagged to die. The mountains belonged to my mother, and she swore that was the one thing he couldn't take. When the lake effect settled into my bones on my way to work some cold April morning, I stopped shivering. My father, like me, would continue to survive. We had cockroach blood.

In my nightmares, he was smiling at me over the washer-dryer in my childhood home. Imagine that: a nightmare which is just your own father with a smile on his face. I woke in the beds of men seven to ten years older than me, cold sweat sinking from my body into their sheets. They never noticed; their beds were more than big enough for the both of us.

Someone once told me you can be just as lonely in a room of people as you could be all alone. I knew.

(IV)

Somewhere on the west coast lived a hope I had, something I was saving like a frozen slice of wedding cake. Late at night, I tried to siren him closer to me. I would slip my dresses from my spine and show him the black hole in my chest, begging. Maybe there was bred into me an insatiable want. Maybe it was vestigial. Whatever it was, we kept our lighthouses bright, beams pulling at each other. Only with him could I keep my mouth dripping sweet with the voice of the girl I was before. Over a course of years, I was allowed to shed layer after layer. The world’s slowest strip tease, only letting a veil drop when I was absolutely ready. There was safety in distance, and on the brink of disaster.

When there were arms wrapped around me, I felt they could hear the hollowness in my shakes. I felt they could hear him calling through my desert lungs. But never did anyone smoke him out of me, tug him from my hair like pins. I kept his name sewn into my cheek and waited like a girl at a bus stop, hands shoved into my pockets, close to numb.

Someone once told me the fantasy of longing makes everything sweet enough to rot you from the inside. I welcomed it.

(V)

On my best days, I was efficient as a knife. Sharp and quick, I could cut through my city like the shark I pressed into my skin. More than once I got six blocks from a person before realizing they weren’t at my side. Always they asked me what I was hurrying toward, why I was in such a rush. It seemed too strange a way to ask if I wanted to die. Anymore I couldn’t give a straight answer, anyway.

On my best days, I was silent as a grave. Without the men seven to sen years older than me, I could go days without hearing my own voice. Waiting til the point that I stepped out of my shower with smoke rising from my skin, looked in the mirror, and saw nothing. I tried not to think about the fact that I’d wasted twenty years of my life wishing I were pretty and now all I wanted was to be invisible. All I wanted was a facial scar so long and jagged, it became the only feature of my body. All I wanted was to burn away my own features until I could finally see what would be left.

Someone once told me we give more power to the stories we tell ourselves than to the truth. I never knew any other way to survive.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #198

“i woke up on the wrong side of my floor.”

What do you get tired of having to explain? It's not something asked frequently at all, but since I had to to new doctors and ER workers etc., I'm not a fan of re-telling the break-up story with Jason. What perk of being “grown up” lived up to your childhood expectations? Independence, though I. Don't act on it much with my dependent ass. Who is your least favorite character in the last show you watched? Shoot me, Sara and Con, but so far Zuko as a villain doesn't impress me. If you weren’t in a relationship with your significant other (or last) and you met them for the first time tonight, would you hook up with them? I wouldn't "hook up" with anyone. Is there a place that makes you sad to return to? It's just better for me to stay away from the place Jason and I took our first prom pictures. I actually returned there last fall to take pictures however; I was fine, but it still felt weird. What is the most morally questionable thing that you’ve done? Idk. Has anyone ever surprised you by changing when you didn’t believe that they could? Dad, 100%. What is the best advice a sibling has given you? Something from Ashley regarding the break-up when I was starting to recover, but I can't remember exactly what. Was there an opportunity that you feel like you missed out on in high school? Hm... thought about this quite a bit, and I actually don't think so? I mean I wish my mental health had been better, but I overall had a fair experience. What was the biggest lie you’ve told a significant other? Idk, it's just about impossible for me to tell an s/o a serious lie; or small ones, for that matter. Maybe that I wasn't mad about something when I was? Idk. Have you ever treated someone badly because someone else treated you badly? I'm sure I have at some point, just not deliberately. What is your favorite lyric from your favorite band? Don't- What is the worst thing you’ve said or done while PMSing? Boy, I've done some dumb shit. Probably self-harm (no, it's not something I do now). Did you have an irrational childhood fear? Oh, I'm sure. None are coming to me now... Well, do you consider serious separation anxiety "irrational?" Do you and your significant other have ‘a song’? What is it? Oh boy, a lot. "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen and Paramore's "The Only Exception" get me the most, though. Do you ever give things away to your friends? Don't really have anyone to do that with. Is there anyone’s friendship or relationship, in particular, that makes you jealous? Nope. Well, it'd be absolutely incredible to have a friendship (so in this case, not counting Sara) like Rhett and Link. I'm not even remotely kidding, they were the ones that made me question my former, humiliating outlook on homosexuality because my heart just yelled at me to ship them & I still do lol. Do you have anyone’s tweets sent directly to your phone? Whose? No. Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library? No. Do you complain a lot? Eh, depends on the day and subject. Have you ever been to a music festival? Yes, but only to take pictures for a photography class. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away? The blood wolf moon. I stayed up 'til like, 2-3-something to see totality, and it was fucking incredible. I hadn't seen a full lunar eclipse since I was a kid. If your life was a movie, what would it be rated? R, probably... mostly due to excessive cursing lmao. Are you more of a talker or a listener? A listener. Have you ever called in at a radio station & dedicated a song to someone? No. Would you ever go to a protest or be involved in a protest? Sure. When playing rock, paper, scissors which do you usually pick? I think scissors. Have you ever tried to write a book? Yes. Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail? Maybe a small one? Would you ever try any extreme sports? No. Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another? I've always found that idea as absolute and utter bullshit. Do you ever try making your dream up before falling asleep? I just daydream; I don't like, actively hope it'll transfer into a legitimate dream. Ever been on a golf cart? Yes. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No. Last person you took a nap with? Sara. Are you embarrassed by anything you have in your bedroom? No. Is your last ex currently in a relationship? Not to my knowledge. Has anyone ever given you roses? Yeah. Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed? asjfpawe quite honestly, smoking weed. The former would probs kill me. Do you owe anybody money? No. How many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed? Now as adults and not stupid kids, just a handful. Maybe just one or two serious ones. What’s the most positive thing anyone has ever said about you? When I actually had a brain, compliments I got regarding my intelligence meant a lot. Maybe there's something else, but that's just the first that came to mind. What’s the most positive thing you would say about yourself right now? I'm very empathetic and care a lot about cheering people up. Have you ever been to church? What was it like? I grew up going to church, and at no point in my life did I enjoy it. When I was old enough to not be forced to go, I quickly stopped, even when I was still religious. What’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? If it's not hot, swim. How many different drugs have you tried? None that weren't prescription. List each drug, and how it made you feel. N/A Which drug do you consider to be your favorite (including alcohol)? Well, I don't even like the taste of alcohol... but I guess that has to be the answer as it's the only one I'll ever indulge in. Who have you had sex with in order from best to worst (you can use initials if you want)? Only done it with one person. What’s your favorite kind of alcoholic beverage? Margaritas. Do you feel like different alcohols have different effects on you? No. Honestly, how good do you think you are in bed? What about oral? Eh, I'm shy, but I don't think I'm bad. It was good enough to get the job done, at least. I fucking hated oral so therefore rarely did it, so idk. What’s your biggest thing you want to accomplish? Overcoming my hard-as-diamonds anxiety. Three favorite candies. Go. Reese's. Sour Punch Straws. Peach rings. What was the last stupid thing someone talked you into believing? Idk. What’s a song that would describe your life at the moment? I legit feel "In The End" by Linkin Park pretty deeply of the late. Man, somehow been a year and still R.I.P. Chester. ;_; What was the last thing that you shared? Idk. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? I love cold pizza. Where are you the most ticklish? FEET. When you’re wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? I don't have them. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Maybe Vulpix. Small and cute and isn't like, actually on fire. Have you ever considered a career in music/acting? No. When was the last time you felt seriously embarrassed? At a VR class when I was talking and completely lost my train of thought and caused like five awkward silences. If your bedroom walls could talk, what would they most likely say? "Bitch u ever move?" Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? Yes. Have you ever seen a movie that was better than the book it was based on? Maybe? I'm unsure, but I doubt it. Did you like the show Invader Zim? I never really watched it. What’s the greatest/most influential song you’ve ever heard? Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait." Have you ever bought yourself a present at Christmas? I mean, I've been given money to buy something myself. Is there someone that you’re mean to for no good reason? No? I have damn good reason to be unfriendly to Bentley, but not mean. What was the last thing you got out of the freezer? A rat for Venus. How many people signed you latest yearbook? Not too many, but I didn't ask a lot to. How is your mom today? Probably the same as always: Tired and stressed. Do you prefer long or short hair on the opposite sex? Generally, longer hair. But of course it varies on the person. Would you swap your first name for your middle? No, that would sound so weird. Plus I like my name. Would you rather have 10 siblings or be an only? Hm... growing up as an only child would suck, I think. Ten is a hell of a lot, but I'd prefer that over none. What is your favorite soda? Mountain Dew Voltage is my Achilles' heel. Do like country music? No. It's seldom I'll like any. Tim McGraw impresses me most of the time, though, but not to where I'll go look up a song and binge it. Are you afraid of black cats? Not at all. Do you watch the lightning during storms? No, I stay inside. If I'm in a car though, I keep an eye out. Do you like Scentsy stuff? Sure, but I don't buy anything from it. Do you like House? Never seen it. How many tracks were on the last album you listened to? Idr. Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? Probably Dad. The way he interacts with some people is kinda... weird to where people may feel like he's being rude, when he in no way intends it. You can tell some people don't get him. Are there any songs in your iTunes library that you’ve never listened to? No. Who is the most intelligent person you know? My psychiatrist probably qualifies as a genius. Who was the last female you were introduced to? My personal VR coach. Who was the last male you were introduced to? I have no idea. Who is that last person who harassed and annoyed you? I feel like it was some kid that annoyed me, but idr. Who is the last person who made you feel hurt? Probably Mom. What was the last thing you were worried about? My job future. Are you worried about anyone now? Not really. What time of day feels the most magical to you? Early morning, especially when it's dewy with a light mist and a pink sky as the sun starts to rise... whew. Love it. Who are you jealous of? My sisters and an old friend that's a professional photographer now. What is the last physical ailment you took medication for? Nausea. If you are a YouTuber, are you behind on posting videos? N/A Who is a great YouTuber you have recently discovered? Not really anyone recently. What color is your bathrobe? I don't have one. What is a great pain reliever? Depends on the pain? Are you interested in a guy who has a girlfriend? No. Do you sell any products? If so, what do you sell? No. Are you responsible with money? I believe so, having learned to be very frugal from growing up poor. My weakness is tats, though... I have to make a genuine effort to save for other things. Are you responsible in general? Not very, honestly... but it also depends on what I have responsibility over. Do you use a nightlight? No. Kaiju's and Venus' lights stay on, however, if you wanna count that. Do you have a girl that is strictly a friend that isn’t related to you that you can go to? Not really. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I guess the good guy? Have you ever watched the original British Skins? No, nor the American. It disgusted me. Do you like Oreos? Hell yeah. Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you barely know? I don't believe so. Were you a cute baby? I was, dude. Would you ever shoot someone right in the face? If it was in self-defense with someone trying to seriously hurt or kill me, that's right where I'd aim. Have you ever sold drugs? No. Have you ever been shot? No. Are you on good terms with your parents? Yeah. What’s your opinion on border control? It's necessary for the protection of our country. I'm totally for legal immigration, mind you. Have you had any major tragedies in your life? I'd say one event qualifies. What do you think of open casket funerals? No opinion, I think... A part of me feels like the risk of someone disrespecting the body isn't worth it, but simultaneously I firmly feel the actual family and those very close to this person have the right to see them one final time looking at peace. Have you ever had a pet rat? Quite a number. I had two pairs where three died of unknown causes, while one developed cancer and passed. Went through two that died last year; one had to be sick upon adopting her, as she passed very quickly, and her sister immediately followed suit. Adopted Mitsu, later another to try to give her a partner (rats are social and aren't supposed to live alone), but she'd already grown territorial, so the sweetheart had to be returned. Now I just have Mitsu. Could you go a year without sex? It's already been three, and longer wouldn't matter to me. Have you ever wore pajamas a whole straight week? I'm just about always at home in my pj's, and considering I leave like, never... but not the same pair that long. Have you ever waxed your legs? No. Have you ever taught a little kid to flick people off? The fuck, no. Are you more of a taker or giver? Giver. Have you ever itched yourself until your skin was raw? I have permanent scars on both shins from that; my skin becomes unbearably itchy after I shave and then scrub my legs in the shower. Nothing seems to stop it. Do you always clear your history after using the computer? No. Have you ever been chased by a cat? Playing with kittens/juveniles, probably, considering just how many we've had throughout my life. Have you ever had your food stolen by a bird? No. Have you ever dyed your hair light auburn? No. Do you take really good care of your feet? Run now w/ potential TMI: My feet are like. Nothing but thicc calluses from when I would walk like crazy. I haven't been able to get rid of them for nothing, and it's been YEARS. Like, I probably need a professional for this shit lmao. My nails are fine and I keep them clean, it's just the callus ordeal. Is the snow where you live the icey kind or powdery kind? It can be either. Do you get blizzards where you live? I think we've only had one that qualified in my entire life. Can't remember if the wind was bad... What’s the coldest you can remember it ever being? With the wind chill, it was actually around 2 degrees, I think. When was the last time you did something rebellious? Um. Idk. What are your favorite things to create? OCs. What’s an old hobby that you want to pick back up? Reading. :/ Do you ever read books to a pet? No. Which has better craft supplies: Dollar Tree or Dollar General? I have zero clue. Which dollar store do you shop at the most? I think Dollar General? What color is your trash can in your bedroom? I don't have one in here. What was the theme of your childhood bedroom? Baby animals. What color was your nursery as a baby? Idr. What was the last surgery you had? A cyst removal. What’s something you prefer to keep private? Lol yeah, ask that on a survey I'mma share with the Internet. What is something cheesy your high school’s principal has said? Idr. I don't remember much of him other than he was a goddamn ass. Are you more of a rule breaker or rule follower? Depends, but typically, a follower. Are you good at prioritizing? Idk. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? HALLOFUCKINWEEN If you’re not religious, were you ever? What made you lose faith? I was raised religious, but just life in general brought me to just theism, which I don't really consider a "real" religion. Is there a particular tradition that you follow from your heritage? No. What are your thoughts on where feminism is today? Yo calm your tits. How would you describe your aesthetic? Likes pastel and soft things but is also gore-crazed and obsessed with dark shit that'll probably lead me to Hell. Are you at all interested in philosophy/theory? If so, what philosopher/theorist caught your attention? If not, would you ever consider reading any? YES; however, as someone with OCD that heavily manifests itself as incredulous ruminations to the point I face breakdowns, I try to avoid philosophical debates. No one in specific has caught my attention, but I mean, I haven't exactly made an effort to learn about anyone. Have you ever played any virtual reality games? What was that like? If not, would you ever like to try? No, but I would LOVE to. Is there anything about technology that scares you? The potential it has to reaching some form of sentience the more and more we advance with it. I ain't about that singularity shit. What’s a song that you know that does a lot of wordplay or anything that you find clever? Shit dude, lots of Otep songs. She can make rhymes and such with the creepiest shit. Bring me back the Otep whose music wasn't just political ranting, please. What do you do before you go to bed? The last thing I usually do is DragonVale. Where did you last go out to eat? Hardee's. Do you have unlimited texting? Yeah. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason or Girt. Girt came to the ER after my suicide attempt, my lowest of low points, while Jason saw me in absolute hysterics the night of the break-up when I said something suicidal so he came here briefly. I feel each was like... a different kind of "worst," if that makes sense. One was absolute, utter defeat, while the other was seeing a human absolutely shatter. Have you ever won anything from the radio? No. Will you keep your last name when you get married? No. What song are you listening to? Shane Dawson's "Fuck Up" is a Big Mood. Do you know anyone whose name starts with an X? Not that I know personally, I think. When was the last time you took a picture with your pet(s)? Roman like over a month ago, Venus a while before... I rarely take pictures including me because I'm ugly. Who’s your favorite Muppet? I don't know like, any. What’s your favorite monster? (can be Monsters Inc., horror films, stories, or myths, whatever) These are too many options man. I guess probably Pyramid Head. But I'm crazy for cryptids too man, I love me some Jersey Devil and Mothman shit. Have you ever seen a polar bear in person? At zoos. What’s your favorite thing to order from Taco Bell? If you heard me eating cinnabon delights in the next room, you'd have all reason to believe a porno was being filmed. What do you think of off-brand soda? I'm fine with them. Which do you like better – carpet or wood floor? I generally find wood prettier, but carpet is comfier. Getting down on and up off the wooden floor when exercising hurts, though. Buuut wood is also easier to clean... but also louder... why the fuck am I getting this deep into a question jeez idk basically. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Being a 23 y/o teenage fangirl lmao. Have you considered running for president? Hell no. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Hm... there's a lot. I suppose ending poverty? Or environmental preservation, which I am already extremely passionate about, but I could actually take more action. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why? I'd imagine the Grand Canyon. It's so vast and ancient and gives you an idea of just how small we truly are. Are ghosts real? Yes. Are aliens real? Probably. Do you know how to play dominoes? No. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Anything from an endangered animal. Would you ever adopt a child? If I wanted kids, possibly. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? *shrugs* Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? I wish I'd told Jenna about the Joel thing. Have you been on your first date? If so, how did it go? Yeah, it was fine. Cute really, though unorthodox as he invited my mother along. It actually did make me less nervous tho. What woke you up this morning? My cat meowing his damn brains out. He does this loud, deep meow when he really wants something, and it woke me up. He does that some mornings, and I have no clue why. Your mood? Eh, nervous. I have a short VR class today, and I have to talk to the woman who handles my case, and I don't believe she'll be happy I haven't applied anywhere yet, even though it's been like, five days... I've been working on getting an Office certificate instead. Did you ever watch The Land Before Time when you were younger? I WAS IN LOVE. Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? Usually. What feeling do you have the most difficulty in expressing? Envy. How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation? Have an absolute panic attack and die lmao. But it also depends on if anyone is in the situation with me. Like if someone I seriously loved was endangered, I have a feeling I'd rush to immediately help them. Does any particular season make you happier than others? Why/why not? Autumn. Beautiful and cool. In what circumstances do you feel most at peace? When I'm with Sara and we're both happy and laughing. :') What is the best thing about being a male/female? Female: It's more "socially acceptable" to show emotions. Male: Don't have to worry about menstruation cycles. Do you enjoy hugging people? Do you enjoy receiving hugs? Yeah. Do you think that luck has much to play in your life? No. I don't believe people have premeditated-by-nature good or bad luck. It's all random or related to your own choices. Do you think you are competitive? Do you really dislike losing? In only a few areas; no. What is a talent you wish you possessed? The ability to draw hyperrealistically. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? It's been quite a while. Maybe around a month. Could you go a whole day without your computer? Definitely not willingly. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? Yeah, Juan. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone, for more than half an hour? What did you talk about? Most likely Colleen. It was a personal matter, so not saying. Has your ex fallen in love with anyone else, since the two of you broke up? I'm assuming Jason did with Ashley, maybe not. When was the last time you looked at your significant other/crush’s Facebook profile? Been a while. What was the last thing that one of your parents bought for you? Food for me. The last time you went to the hairdressers, what did you have done? A muuuch-needed trim.

[mantrabay]

Ballroom In The Sky

Short Story

Gazing with his mouth wide open towards a sullen evening sky dotted with jet black clouds

Geoff Wild shakes, weeps and sighs.

He was on his knees on this grass-strewn, unkempt graveyard on the outskirts of his native town.

Two years later and her memory still intrudes in unexpected moments.

“Still so vivid. Is this a nightmare…..some trick of the light or just another passing dream?

The Passing Of A Velvet Heart.”

Geoff's thoughts almost choking him. Streams of emotion flowed down his face like someone who had just seen a tragic film.

Violet or Velvet heart, his pet name for his wife, had died and was still having difficulty coming to terms with it.

The sudden passing of his loved one had left this middle-aged man gaunt, ashen faced and skeletal. Wild’s troubled expression had become a haunted house of uncanny notions and strange secrets waiting to flow from his water-logged eyes. Those circumstances surrounding Violet’s death were never clear.

Was it a death wish or an accidental fall from the edge of the flat roof on their elegant townhouse?

Why would this lady of such excellent balance lose her footing in such a manner?

Death through misadventure was a colourful term used to describe what happens when there is no clear cause or explanation.

“Cherish all those wonderful experiences we had. Whichever one of us dies first.”

Violet once said. Almost as if she had some premonition.

This was six months before she passed away.

A creepy dawning sneaks its way into Geoff’s thoughts.

An endless see-saw of conflicting doubts convulsed him as he dwelt in the cemetery.

Yet Wild fondly recalled that night they first met at the Skyline Ballroom.

The Skyline was a battered tumbledown barn cum venue whose allure was based firmly on its availability.

The interior of this ballroom was hardly more enticing.

The chipped hardwood floor and the dusty pale cream walls with paint flakes that peeled off only confirmed its tenement status. It was known locally as the “Creaking Beam”” due to its ghostly acoustics and flickering lights. Here in this spooky venue Geoff and Violet had their earliest encounter. Wild remembered her radiant smiles and looping glances which he hoped were being cast at him. The ripples of long dark hair, those apple blossom cheeks and of course her angelic aura stood out.

On that night she wore a polka dot ruche dress, amethyst ear pendants and satin moccasins.

An opal choker completes the picture. “Have I the gumption? The courage.

A faint heart etc.” Geoff could hear his heart flutter as he did his tightrope walk toward her. Within seconds he was standing in front of Violet unable to control the tremble in his knees.

“May I dance with you?” Geoff asked.

Velvet heart’s hands formed a lazy arch and her dainty fingers curled inwards while she thought of a response.

“Of course. I would be delighted.” Violet spoke in that pear drop tone which beguiled everybody who met her.

Geoff, the local journalist and writer was in seventh heaven.

They never forgot that enchanting song they first danced to, “Ballroom In The Sky.”

The song was performed by Valerie And The Blue Skies, a rock and jazz band whose name was partially influenced by the venue that gave them their initial break.

They weren’t very big but had a cult following.

Something magical and unearthly happened every time they played that song on stage.

Geoff could see how similar Violet and Valerie were in appearance.

They were mirror images of each other.

It was frightening how easy it was to confuse the two of them in speech, mannerisms and appearance.

The drole, quaint, humour.

Age even.

Valerie was based in a remote enigmatic area outside town when not on tour.

She used to refer to songs as role plays in that banter between numbers.

“You feel as though you are a different person.

Maybe a member of the audience betimes.”

Valerie remarked.

Other than that they, Violet and Valerie, were virtually indistinguishable.

Violet did admit to meeting Valerie casually and for autograph purposes but other than that they had very few interactions with each other or so it appeared on the surface at any rate.

It seemed amazing how “ Ballroom In The Sky” with its airy ascending rock chords and jaunty jazz lines could draw Violet, Valerie and Geoff into a peculiar triangle.

The sudden moody breaks and abrupt silences built a momentary cocoon around the three of them which the rest of the patrons were unaware of.

For the most part or at least superficially.

They, the three characters, weren’t always aware that they were being sucked into a surreal threesome.

As for Valerie’s top sideman....well, he was known as Silent Sam.

He was the only member of this group that had any kind of track record or reputation.

Sam’s blue attire was in keeping with the band’s name. He wore a large trilby hat tipped over his forehead sheltering his pointed face and pencil slim physique.

Basking in the background one saw very little of him.

He, Sam, was short-sighted when it suited and though taciturn was also eccentric.

Practical jokes were his forte and the trademark impish grin was always an afterthought.

Then the usual quiet man mystery.

“Yep ..Yup....or Sure.“

These were the only asides from this oddball sidemen by and large.

He was prone to stumble and fall. Valerie had to indicate where things were to Sam in case he injured himself.

They would have words with each other which no one could quite figure out. Theirs was a sign language of its own complete with slanted squirms and facial signposts.

One often wondered if there was a deeper relationship between Valerie and Sam that others had yet to pick up on.

Leaving that aside, those Blue Skies airs would have been mere fillers without Sam. This lonely freak seemed aloof but by the same token these songs were peculiarly his.

“LOVERS TAKE THE FLOOR

FANCY DANCING WITH THE ONE THAT YOU ADORE

WARM EMBRACES AS YOU HEAR EACH OTHER SIGH

LOVERS TIL WE DIE

WE’LL BE DANCING IN THAT BALLROOM IN THE SKY.”

Every time that song was played Valerie, Violet and Geoff were sharing unwittingly a secret that would baffle even the most senior detective.

The startled looks, embarrassed smiles, were all part of this outlandish ritual.

Wild did try to piece all these recollections together.

“Valerie sure could croon those songs. In a real hypnotic fashion. Everyone in the dancehall was enthralled. People would sway like ice skaters one moment, waltz in a swan-like manner the next and just as often rave in the isles like end of term teenagers. The classics then came thick and fast.”

Geoff whispers to himself in this solitary graveyard.

“JUST A PASSING DREAM...........STILL SO VIVID.......DANCING IN HEAVEN...... KISSES ALL AROUND....MAGIC HAND........A LITTLE BIT BLIND, and of course “BALLROOM IN THE SKY”. Other favourites included “ LET YOUR LOVED ONE KNOW “ ( BEFORE SHE PASSES AWAY ) AND “ IN TWO MINDS.” Geoff and Violet would date and swing religiously to those fantasy songs every Sunday as their courtship blossomed.

“Ballroom In The Sky “ was always the highpoint of the dance with its mesmerising rhythms and choral mantras.

Like magic it weaved its way through every aspect of their relationship. Its spell was like an invisible hand shadowing their each and every move.

This constellation of events occurred in a scenic nineteen seventies spot.

Despite its haunting vistas and backdrop of panoramic hills it resembled a ghost town. Openings were few against an infinite spiral of closing factories, bookstores with half-empty shelves and shopkeepers peering out of doors.

A crushing gloom weighed heavily on this once vibrant resort.

Ten years earlier it was a beacon. “I shudder to think…...A jigsaw puzzle of past events.”

Geoff surveying the cemetery as if he were a stargazing prophet.

He didn’t want to be heard talking to himself.

Such memories could have been taken directly from some movie script. “Yes .. it was a hub that Skyline. Like homeless drifters, the folk who attended lapping up and revelling in the bonhomie of gemstone tunes and spritely pulse rate beats.”

The man Geoff communing with himself.

They were fugitives all of them. Be they fantasists, love seekers or escapees from that heavy-handed void called the dole queue. Suddenly an unusual presence descended without warning.

“What the heavens is? Snap…..ah it's a branch.” Momentary jitters engulfing Wild.

He shook in concert with the overarching colonnade of brown edge green leaf trees astride this burial ground.

An eerie rustling dewdrop tiptoe now caressing Geoff’s ears.

”Up there somewhere Velvet Heart?

Dancing in the heavens? You know that “Ballroom In The Sky.”

Nervous laughter now relief road to that traffic jam of sentiment just about to speed off.

Glued to the spot that macabre sixth sense of Violet hovering above evaporates due to an illusory shaft of late evening sun.

Warm misty comas presently forming a shroud over Wild but he was immune to them.

Geoff’s mental state shifts from doze to daze. Clouds of recall floated past his eyes with the odd fact jolting him out of his stupor.

Wild could no longer hide from the rather bizarre identities Valerie and Velvet Heart possessed. “Oh those comic jibes and piercing glances that they cast at any distance. Some ethereal intrigues were passing through the air in a game of bow and arrows that never missed their target.”

Geoff recalls with forensic clarity.

Poor Silent Sam who was also at a loss would do his usual u-turn into the shadow. He then shook his head in dismay.

Two months before Geoff's and Violet’s parting, an unforgettable incident occurred.

Quite often memory is a lodger which steadfastly refuses to surrender its keys. It was one of those Sunday’s that typified the area Geoff lived in.

Valerie and the Blue Skies were in flying form as the tunes morphed and segued into each other. Valerie and Velvet Heart who were magnets for men knew the music would amplify their appeal.

This tuneful genre helped both aforementioned ladies ooze black magic.

Violet's knowing stare caught Geoff off guard. “Guilty conscience, there Geoff?”

Having fantasies about Valerie.

Focus all those erotic thoughts on me.

As for that eternity ring remember?” Violet’s eyes twinkled as she seized Geoff up and down. Those penetrating peepers knew how to vet a body in a flash.

“Oh no .....not at all.” Geoff with a loop of a smirk.

“Just those mystical melodies working their spell.” He said.

“You came into my life like the early morning sun.... a new dawn.” Wild in poetic mode.

“You honey tongue you. Wait, Geoff our song. Yes, Ballroom.” Violet mutters gingerly.

Valerie nodded towards Sam.

Her expression was a hard to decipher veil and deep code command.

“Get those fingers flying, Sam.”

In a tone identical to Velvet Heart leaving no room for misunderstanding.

Sam didn’t always act immediately on Valerie’s cues.

“Yep.. Yup ...Sure.” Sam’s usual retort.

Eventually.

“Ballroom In The Sky” now strong as ever as it cast its bewitching spell to all sections of this venue.

A medley was now included tonight for the first time.

“SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE” ( Sam looked at Valerie), “A LITTLE BIT BLIND” ( Sam staring vacantly at both Valerie and Violet), “MIND YOUR STEP( Sam winking at Geoff while scrunching the mouth at Violet).

Violet edged toward the stage whilst tenderly clasping Geof. There was a dim-lit silence.

Ballroom started again. Valerie and Violet now singing this tune. An eerie vacuum filled the hall as they sang unaccompanied with Geoff simply awestruck.

A triangular crush of people occurred near the stage.

Valerie handed Violet a letter which Geoff could only peer at. What was in it?

Sam was now talking to Valerie with the usual economy.

In the confusion of memory images are both mist and blur.

“Pst...Pst. It's me. Your Velvet Heart is back to haunt you so I am.“ Violet’s lofty twang.

“What in the name….I can't phantom…..fathom.” Geoff nearly froze. Violet’s voice sounded like a wet whisper stretching over twigs that simultaneously tap against windows.

She pulled back an orchard pattern duvet which was covering Geoff.

“Fell asleep at your favourite film, The Passing Of A Velvet Heart. All those graveyard scenes shot in our small town remember?

Actually Silent Sam wrote the soundtrack for the film and Ballroom. He sings on that one.” Said Violet objectively.

“Incredibly you chose Velvet Heart as your courtship name for me based on the film.

The film was never a huge success at all but did get our area some limited publicity for a while.

Sam earned some extra royalties, though not a king’s ransom from the soundtrack sales.

Valerie and Sam tying the knot next Sunday of all days.

As for that love letter you mumbled about in your sleep.

It’s an invite to their secret wedding.

Very private. As Sam is.

What a time and place he chose for the invitation.

During that ethereal love song which brought us together.” Once more Violet observes.

“Poor Sam’s a little bit blind and confused on occasions.

You know next Sunday and all. Or is he?

I was upstairs on the flat roof today.

Six months ago I fell off it.

You’ve never liked me being up there since.”

Violet continuing.

“Guilty secret must confess. I used to be onstage instead of Valerie.

Well, sometimes.

She was dating you pretending to be me.

We never knew each other that well but it was a dare worked out between us.“

Geoff shouted. “Hoodwinked.”

An incredulous look ripples over Wild’s pale face.

Violet’s eyes now ablaze.

“You never noticed did you? Deep down.”

This dry playful tease surfacing from Violet again.

Geoff was thunderstruck. Violet strolled towards their CD player on the mahogany table near the drawing room corner.

“Think you’ll like this one. Our song with Sam on vocals.” A tranquil Violet stated.

“This is one tune you’ll definitely know.

May I dance with you?”

Geoff smiled. “Of course. I would be delighted.

And relieved!”

Silent Sam’s voice wafts and weaves in his own inimitable shy way a song usually sung by Valerie, his wife to be.

And sometimes Violet, or Velvet Heart.

A number that united three people in the most curious and otherworldly manner!

“Yep….Yup ….Sure.”

As Sam was in the habit of saying!

mantrabay Copyright Protected

All My Own Work

.

[anenium]

i’ve never loved a music group as much as i love seventeen. i was over stanning idol groups by the time i ran into them and was focusing on university and finishing my thesis and etc, so i can’t stress enough how much each and every member are ALL extremely special to me for me to make a whole new space in my life for them. but obviously i have a favorite, and he has treated me so well since the very start, and i want to mention beforehand that this entire ...wall of text is gonna be about me as seungkwan’s fan and my personal anecdotes from seeing him at ideal cut, and not that much about the other members. it’s not that i don’t love them very much! but seungkwan is extremely special to me and he is the comforting and reliable sunlight who i want to scream to the world about. 

i don't need to tell you guys how hard it is to be an international fan cos most of you all know those pains.. and i was definitely one of the carats hoping there would be some announcement for NA tour before i finally bit the bullet and decided to go ideal cut. but there's also smth else that hurts, that i haven’t explicitly shared. of all my insecurities about being a carat, i often myself particularly insecure about being forgotten by seungkwan. 

i know it’s a lot to expect him or any idol to remember their all fans, that’s exactly why i don’t mention this insecurity on twitter (til now...). being forgotten by your idol is smth that i know has put people off of their biases completely. i’m lucky because boo himself a couple years ago told someone to relay to me a tiny message, so without me asking him about it, i suddenly was aware he knew for sure i existed and knew i went to see him at schedules as his fan. and i was so happy and enamored by the idea that i never wanted it to change ;;

but ofc i moved away, and i never properly talked to him in the first place (fansign is expensive and i was a full time uni student hhhh) so i have a constant worry that it’ll seem like i stopped supporting him or he will just forget completely that he has me as his fan. which again.... is totally fair and in the first place i would never even ask him if he remembers me IF i got the chance. the last time he saw me was... 2017 summer, so who knows if he remembers my face or my sign. or if he even knows my sign = me ?

i tried not to have any expectations or hopes about interacting with seungkwan during ideal cut. it’s a concert, first of all, not a meet and greet or a fansign. and i knew i might be far away or he might be on a different side of the stage, and i also knew that i wanted to just listen to him singing after a long time and experience concerts with my friends who i don’t get to see often.

but somehow, even if it’s just cos of my neon bright sign with his name on it, seungkwan sees me. he smiled at or waved to me (or even both ;;;;;) in every country i visited after he’d seen my sign and that’s so.. the chances of that happening is completely crazy. but what’s important to me is how he acted when he saw it. every single time was meaningful to me and by manila all my worries were gone.

i did get to see the boys at the airport in incheon before the concert during my layover to jakarta and even had a cute interaction outside with soonyoung ; 3; so my heart was a little more at ease the next day at the concert cos i got that “refill” of seeing them already. i spent time with dani and met a lot of carats handing out my transparent fans and i don’t remember feeling that stressed or nervous, somehow. dani and i stood against the back bar of our standing section and we had an amazing view and i finally saw pinwheel and the lights hitting seungkwan’s face and i was so ;;;; filled with awe at the end that these kids i ran into three years ago have become such amazing performers, you know? 

i could write miles about each concert, how dynamic hht has become, how much joy i feel watching performance team, all the nostalgia when they all perform Adore U and the burst of energy that explodes in the venue when the boys sing Run To You like.. carats and seventeen running to each other. my heart felt so full after seeing Seventeen at their own concert after such a long time. at the end and when i was already giving up the hopes i told myself not to have, boo finally saw my sign.

he looked so HAPPY. i can’t even tell you how my heart leaps to watch the fancam of the moment he smiles at it. he just smiled so brightly and he returned the little heart i shot him after a couple seconds. i seriously watched that moment so many times because im so happy that HE smiled as big as he did ; ; he was happy cos of the sign, happy cos of dani’s and my reaction after he saw it, and.. idk how else to say it, i just want to make a blanket out of that smile ; ; im so happy that i can be the reason for his smile. 

at the fansign the next day i was “meeting” him and vocal unit and i was really scared... cos i already knew it was going to be fast (and it was damn FAST...). but then, he saw my sign even before we went up to them at the tables. it’s understandable i got a shock, right ; ; he and jeonghan staring down my camera made me wonder if he recognized my sign from the previous day... and i had already been worried because i wasn’t sure what to say to them.

actually i told seungkwan i loved him twice before, once just saying it through the kbs window in 2016, and once at hitouch at diamond edge new york. but at kbs there’s no way to know 100% what he said (cos the glass..........) and at diamond edge he just... “thank you~ OHOHOHOHOHOHO” ....:D so naturally i was on the fence about saying it again. cos i thought isn’t it.. a bit redundant if i say it.. again? shouldn’t i say something more creative or meaningful? and i’m being honest that when i see all the fanaccounts that boo returns an “i love you too~” at hitouches i feel a little jealous and reluctant. but bethany kicked some sense into me right before i went up and i wanted to share it. 

it’s true that i want him to know how loved he is by his fans ; ; especially after earlier this year when he admitted his insecurities about loving himself.. even if he’s been seemingly content lately i would still want him to be reassured as many times as possible. so i sucked it up and i did!!! just!!!! “hi! i REALLY love you!” at jakarta fansign. 

and...........i have no idea what he said back to me cos it was too loud ^^

but it’s alright BECAUSE i got to see his pretty smile when i said it. i have no regrets about saying it! i dunno about next time (if there’s next time) but this time i was really happy that i could look him in the eyes and say tht i love him cos i DO adore him a whole bunch u___ u;;;; and although i’d have liked to express my feelings in more, accurate words, i was only in front of him for two or three seconds and that was the best thing i could have said to him, now thinking in retrospect. and gosh he was definitely tired that afternoon, but he was so so handsome ;;;; seeing him eye to eye never gets any easier. 

in singapore dani and i were joined by my beloved jo! and we three were together in standing~ and shock of my life, at the end of the concert boo pointed to my sign and smiled and waved and as dani put it, once she heard me and jo screaming and freaking out it was like a “check” ; ; it’s not the first time he points to that sign in particular so i just felt.. reassured in that moment. he doesn’t smile with surprise like in jakarta, but still he’s pointing and grinning and acknowledging me and inside im like YESYESYESYESYESYE- part of it too is, this is happening and im with my friends and ; ; i know im not just imagining things, you know?

in malaysia we got $oundcheck and i didn’t say this yet but soundcheck was just as amazing for us as the concert ; ; we got to be at the front (there weren’t queue numbers so... it was a sacrifice of a lot of WAITING) and luckily, there was a pause in the music at the beginning while the boys were at the extended stage near carats. so they interacted with us a bit and! i got to wave to hansol and hosh and.. that’s when boo looks down and he saw my sign; ;;; but cos the venue was all lit up for rehearsal he actually looked me in the eyes and wave-waved calmly to me ; ; and actually.. he didn’t smile~ but he was barefaced and it’s just soundcheck after all~

i don’t think he ever waved to me without cracking a smile before so i felt a little ? when overthinking it but.. his expression was kinda nice, too ;; performing is his job after all, so just making sure he looks at me and waves during their technical rehearsal is really sweet of him, even if he’s not feeling super HAPPY or something at that moment, he took the time to acknowledge i was there. i want to stress that what i really learned over time is that boo really knows how important and meaningful it is to wave to fans and try to give individual acknowledgement when he can, even when it’s small, esp cos seventeen can’t always meet us individually. 

i was at the opposite side from where i was the three other concerts in kl, and i can confidently say... boo was not on the right side much ^^~ but it was nice to pay a lot more attention to the other members, and see a different angle of all their performances!! i have no regrets being on the right side because frankly there’s some members i might have no memories of from this tour if i hadn’t been on the opposite side of boo. 

next is~ manila! and manila was a dream ; ; i was with dani and many friends and we were right THERE at the bar and i hadn’t been that close to the boys at a concert.. ever. at recordings yes, and hitouch yes, but dani told me being close at concerts is different and it absolutely was. seventeen is a group that shines the most when they’re performing and concerts are where they thrive. 

seungkwan is born to be on stage. he mentioned that he works hard on his expressions but, i wonder if he knows it’s more than just his hard work. the way his voice carries emotions and his body language when he feels the music he does in ways that are just so *him*. it’s the lights bouncing off his cheeks in pinwheel when he’s singing to the sky. it’s how he hits you in the heart when he belts his lines in Run To You and he’s dramatically swaying on his mic stand, and his entire aura change during Flower. when he coolly gives his ending speeches with heavy eyelids cos he’s tired but all anyone is looking at are his full cheeks and how pretty his eyes look outlined with champagne-colored glitter. his comfortable warm smiles to carats at the end of every concert and all the efforts he put in to communicate with us, to have fun with us and make each country feel special to seventeen. 

habit is my favorite song from the kids. i can’t even casually listen to it because it triggers a lot of attached feelings ; ; i’d seen it four times on the tour but, only in manila i felt a tear sliding down my face. cos i was looking at seungkwan and thinking that it was my last time to hear it, and my last time watching him sing it, and suddenly i was so overwhelmed with affection for him. i was trying to listen but in my head i can only remember him doused in lights and his passionate singing and how much i'm thankful for him suddenly ; ; and also i was ... embarrassed to be crying~

when vocal unit came up to the extended stage for pinwheel i tried to hard to just listen to him ;; he was so close and i was looking up at him and seriously just ;;;;; he was the most beautiful human being i’ve ever seen in that moment. he is never more gorgeous than when he’s singing and there’s really no one like him.

when the boys performed ‘thinkin’ about you’, they interacted with fans a bit at previous stops, so i had my sign out just in case~ and when the boys walked around in a circle at the end of the song, boo looked SO CUTE cos he borrowed coups’ leader flag and was marching around with it ;;;;; idk why but that made it even more special that he saw me at that moment, and smiled at me with big eyes before walking by ;;;;;; i looked at dani and she looked at me and we shglfndjkh;fkhlfd together ;;;;;;;

during their final ment the boys sat down at the main stage to talk to carats, and boo was diagonal from my spot, so i could see him well. i didn’t hold up my sign from the start cos.. he was literally so far away i didn’t think he could see anyone beyond the fans around the main stage. but during hosh’s ment i kinda thought i had a chance and he was looking our way.. so i unfolded my sign and BAM he reacted alfdjklgjkdfls!!! 

actually watching a fancam of it now, what i couldn’t tell then, is that while he was nodding he had legit raised his eyebrows at me l o l. and he just kept nodding and grinning while at the side hoshi was giving his ment, and for some dumb reason i ducked my head behind my sign in shock and in a fancam i can literally see tht he was about to look away—but doesnt ;;;; dani is next to me seeing this happen and i’m not hiding behind my sign anymore and she’s pointing at me to confirm it’s really ME and he gives a thumbs UP and im DYING AT THIS POINT. 

[dani next to me: HER? HER ? OK DAMN BOO YOU’RE SO AMAZING YES OK DONE OK YES YES STILL THUMBS UP? OK-]

i made another ridiculous finger heart to him and he’s STILL NODDING ND WAVES AND GIVES ANOTHER THUMBS UP AND THEN!!! hoshi was in the middle of the stage belting his “지금 몇 시???” and the moment is over~ honestly it seemed more dramatic and long at the time but... i was seriously in awe. i don’t remember any ments after that (i didn’t even know what hosh had done until after the concert) until seungkwan started talking himself cos i couldn’t believe that happened..

the ending felt bittersweet ofc ; ; the boys were literally right THERE and they all looked so gorgeous and handsome and i wish the “aju NICE”’s could have lasted for an hour or ten...  but there was still send-off.

i always have this issue where i miss a lot of the members because i start panicking looking for seungkwan... ofc the same happened now. i don’t really remember the order, but i only remember that i waved to hoshi who was first and also got to say bye to josh as he walked by, his eyes got so big and his smile was really pretty ; ; and then second to last there was boo.

like i mentioned in my tweets, he was in a cap for send-off~ and as he’s walking towards where i was i held my sign over the railing so he could see it as he approached and!! ofc he did ;; he was already smiling but he spotted it and grinned right at it and nod-nod-nodded and even pointed directly to it and istg his smile was... different once again. he literally looked like he was expecting to see it and i felt so ; ; even if he couldnt hear me i called to him that i’ll see him next year (which wasn’t *technically* true.. i went to see them at the mall the next day heh) and he was still walking by and was already even past me but!!! dani had called his name and he had looked up from my sign and was smiling really at *me* ; ; he wasnt actually last but.. i distractedly watched the back of boo’s cap until he was at the end of the tiny hall and turned into another room out of sight..

and then i was just crying behind my uchiwa. hehe.

the next day was the manila saem fansign and as everyone else said, it was damn crowded. and i was damn far away with dani. and it was so hot and loud and we were actually thinking of leaving because it was just too much... by the time seventeen arrived and were at the fansign stage i had a hard time holding my camera up, and i don’t even *have* a bazooka lense. still, i had a smaller “boo” sign dangling from my cam, and dani was holding up my lucky sign where boo could see somewhere next to my head~

i really don’t know how he can see it from so far away ; ; but he did, right before they started meeting carats for autographs. it was the same as always, i saw him seeing me first and i dropped my camera to wave and THEN i started taking pictures.. he is seriously the most patient. ever. i took precious photos of him making a “V” with his fingers and smiling at my camera and the moment he looked away in my mind i just thought.. REST.

i wish i knew how to better explain the feeling after attending their tour. it’s the first time i think i feel the word... lucky. before, at the radio and at recordings and hitouches, i just felt that my consistency going to see seventeen and specifically cheering for seungkwan made it possible for him to remember me well and acknowledge me as his fan. but at this tour, where there’s so many thousands of people and it’s hard to see everyone in the audience, and at fansigns where it was crowded or when i really thought he wouldn’t be able to see me, he still did. im lucky that seungkwan is seungkwan. i’m lucky that he’s attentive to carats, that he’s understanding and kind, and that he has FANTASTIC eyesight.

i don’t really know if he knows i’m the same fan from sukira, or if he remembered the sign from previous years’ concerts and recordings. but for me, it’s enough that by the end of the tour he could smile so comfortably at me like ; ; i’m 100% sure he remembered that.. my sign = ...me. and that makes me so happy in itself. i feel sad often that i can’t support boo as much as i used to, that i can’t cheer for him where he can hear it and that i can’t take pretty photos to share of him like before. during Oh My promotions in july, i hesitated to get a signed page from him... exactly because i didn’t want to ask something like, if he remembered me or not. instead~ i asked for him to cheer me up until i could see him again. the friend who was getting the page for me told him i was from the us, had gone to kcon japan just to see him earlier this year, and that i was going to the ideal cut stops, too.

(i’m clarifying here for anyone new~ that the trip to japan was planned with my friend from uni, and seventeen was conveniently announced for kcon after my trip was almost fully sorted. it was too perfect to not go see them * ^*)

seungkwan verbally responded to her saying it must be hard for me to go all the way there ;; in english and korean on my page he wrote thank you, and that he really wished for us to meet ;;;; and thinking back to that page some months later, it came true as much as it possibly could have. 

im lucky that seungkwan is the one i came to like. because even if he doesn’t know anything about me or even my name, he knows im someone who likes him and that’s enough for him to take a moment to let me know he knows i’m there. and i know that i’m not the only fan of his he takes his time to acknowledge. every concert tour there are new fan accounts of his kindness and attentiveness, his friendly interactions with carats and people writing how much they appreciate him after seeing him in person or on stage. he’s such a special and talented individual with such a big heart and i hope that everyone can feel reassured that.. if there’s an idol who will do their best to take your love and return it tenfold, seungkwan is definitely one. 

i know i mention it only vaguely but i have had such a difficult, tiresome year. i don’t feel like i’m exaggerating when i say the happiness i got from seeing seungkwan, seventeen, and most of all my friends last month is what’s going to get me through the rest of it. im not sad (yet...) that the tour is over, or that it’ll be a while until i see seventeen again. im still so ridiculously happy, and i feel motivated to work hard until the next time ; ; im not worried anymore, because seungkwan never fails to cheer me up whether i’m at a concert on the other side of the world or i’m just seeing his post on instagram on my own side. i would give him a planet’s worth of love if i could and i hope he continues to recieve praise and affection for as long as possible, for just being his wonderful self.

[nsfw-bnha-and-dangan]

Kiibo, Ouma and Komaeda reacting to an S/O that self harms (mainly cutting). Hope you feel better soon!

You literally picked three out of my four faves somehow, damn! Sorry, I only just now saw this, I was going through the ask box for any last non smut things and caught it! I hope this turns out good, I’m going to be shoving a bunch of headcanons in it. And thank you, I slowly feel like I’m doing better! Also, I did headcanons, I hope that’s okay! Warning for Ouma’s, as it does involve the actual act of cutting within the headcanons. Also, I got out of hand with his, and its probably pretty OOC, so I apologize!

Nagito Komaeda:

When you revealed to him that you had on and off issues with cutting and showed him your scars, he knew the feeling

In the past, he’s struggled with the same urges, although it was more with self-degradation than actual physical cutting

But still, he understood how you felt, so when you got up the courage to show him, he hugged you gently and rubbed your back, kissing your tears away

“Y-you aren’t disgusted with me?”

“I could never be disgusted with you, (Y/N), no matter what. Especially not over something I understand so personally.”

“R-really?”

“Of course. I love you so much, and a few moments of despair that you’ve felt won’t change that. I want to help you discover your true hope if you’ll let me! I can only hope that trash like me can help you feel better when you feel this way, okay?”

You nodded, poking his side lightly for talking about himself like that, but you did manage a smile

“I wouldn’t have trusted anyone else with this…”

“How about this? The next time you feel like you want to hurt yourself, will you tell me? I promise I’ll try my best to help you get past this, I know you can, even with me by your side.”

“I-ill try… But you too, okay? We can, um, help each other?”

The two of you wound up cuddled together for hours, him rubbing his thumb over your scars as you talked, falling asleep in a little pile on the bed

Kiibo:

“Hey, u-um, I need to tell you something…”

Kiibo looked up from what he was doing, smiling warmly at you

“Of course! Whats the matter, sweetie, you look upset.”

You sat beside him on the couch, slowly rolling up the sleeve of your sweater and showing him the thin but numerous scars on your wrist

“What happened? Did something hurt you?”

“S-sort of… I cut myself, Kiibo, a-and I haven’t for a couple months but lately, I’ve been having urges and i-it scares me so much!”

You were crying now, Kiibo more than confused and trying to pull you close

“Shh, shh, you’re okay, I promise you’re alright! I don’t really understand what’s the matter, but I’m here for you, alright?”

You wrapped your arms around his metal form and cried as he ran his fingers up and down your back

As you cried, he took the time to research what you had been talking about

If he had the function to cry, he would be bawling by now, after learning what exactly you meant

When your crying died down he pulled you back a little, meeting your gaze with a worried expression

“I looked into self-harm just now and… I understand why you’re scared. It scares me too, knowing that you feel as though you have to do that to yourself and the roads that it can lead to.”

You sniffled and wiped your eyes, grimacing when you saw how you had dripped tears all over his chest plate

“S-sorry… I didn’t want to upset you or worry you… I j-just-”

“No, no, its okay! I wasn’t saying that to make you feel bad! But… I would like us to make a plan for this. I want to help you get better, but I’m sure it won’t be as easy as it sounds. But will you let me try?”

You nodded softly, feeling his arms go around you to hold you close

“Its okay to slip up, but I want you to try to find me first. I’ll listen to whatever your having issues with, ill do whatever you need me to do to keep you safe. I may not understand this the way a human might, but I think I understand emotions well enough to help you. If not, we could always see about finding someone professional for you to talk to, okay?”

“T-thank you… I was scared you would think I was horrible or weak or something…”

Kiibo shook his head and pressed a kiss to your hair, draping a blanket over your shoulders and tucking it between the two of you so you would be more comfortable

“I have never, and will never, feel those things about you. When I think about you, all I feel is love, so much that it can overwhelm me. I want you to be happy, and I will do everything to make that happen.”

Kokichi Ouma:

The two of you had planned to go on a date that day, you were supposed to pick Ouma up at noon but you had never shown up

And when you didn’t answer any of his texts or calls, he decided to drive over, both worried and annoyed

Your front door wasn’t locked, so he waltzed in and found your bedroom, not bothering to knock at this point

“Heeeeeey! Why did you stand me up? I was waiting for you for forever, no one forgets the Uliti-”

He paused, finally realizing what he had walked in to

You were crying on the bed, blood all over your shirt, especially at your wrists, and you didn’t seem to notice him at all

There was a bloody razor blade beside you and Ouma’s first move was getting that out of your reach, you finally noticing his presence

“F-fuck! Ouma, this i-isn’t-”

“Don’t talk right now, let me clean you up first.”

You just hiccuped and nodded, your wrists stinging as he got you on your feet and into the bathroom, sitting you up on the sink and stripping off your bloody shirt

“K-Kokichi-”

“Hey, it’s fine, don’t worry. Just relax, we’ll talk when I’m done with you, okay?”

He rolled up his own sleeve to show you a set of pale scars, giving you a reassuring smile when you started tearing up

“This is going to sting like a bitch, sorry.” He muttered as he cleaned the cuts on your wrists with peroxide, making you cry out and jump

As he got the blood off of you and bandaged your wrists, a few tears slipped down Ouma’s cheeks, but he kept the reassuring smile on the entire time

Soon your wrists were both wrapped up and he was guiding you towards the bed, only to notice that there was blood on the sheets

“Go find a shirt, (Y/N)-chan, ill get these off!” He grinned, stripping the bed and finding a new sheet, plus a nice warm blanket

Before long you two were cuddled together, Ouma wrapping his arms around you tightly

“Why did you do it, (Y/N)? And don’t lie, I don’t want to hear lies.”

You nodded and sat up a little, your wrists still aching and your eyes burning from so much crying

“S-sometimes it all just hurts… I cant control anything and I hate it! And I feel so alone and i-its just… I just want to make it hurt m-my way…”

You burst into tears, nails digging into your palm til Ouma took both your hands and held them in his own

“I get how that feels, its been a long time, but I remember. But if I stopped, you can too.”

It was the most serious you had ever heard Ouma talk, not a giggle or lie anywhere to be heard

You tried to pull yourself together but the tears just kept flowing when you remembered what he had gone through, even if it was in the past

“Whoa, whoa, hey! It’s okay! How about this, you promise to tell me when you feel like you want to do this again. I don’t care when, I don’t care where, ill find you and make that urge go away. I love you so much, I know that I like to mess around and I lie, but that will always be true.”

He lifted your face to kiss you softly, wiping your cheeks till the tears dried and you weren’t crying anymore

“Can you do that for me, my beloved (Y/N)?”

You nodded, squeaking when his hands drifted to your sides to tickle you

It was brief but merciless, you laughing till your stomach hurt and begging Ouma to let your free

“What was that? I cant hear you, (Y/N), you’ll have to speak up~”

“A-ah! Kokichi, l-let me gooooooo! I’m -a-ah!- I’m gonna die if you k-keep tickling me!”

He grinned and pulled back, laying down with you on his chest so he could easily pet your hair

“Nope, no dying allowed! No supreme leader lets his lover die! And besides, ill cry if you die!”

He gave you puppy eyes and you smiled a little, nuzzling his chest. “Liar.”

“Nope! That one’s true!” He was back to his normal self, for the most part, playing with your hair as you both let the silence wash over you for a bit, till you spoke up

“Sorry for ruining our date today, if you wanted we can still go out…”

“And move when I’ve got you on top of me? Nope! We’ll go out tomorrow or something! Oooooh, I can take you on a DICE heist!”

Ouma giggled at his own joke, but it did make you smile despite the pun.

“Thank you for helping me… No ones ever really cared…”

“Well, I do, so get used to it! I’m not about to let you be sad, that would be really shitty of me! I love you, and I always will.”

[bastardtravel]

August 11, 2018. Manchester, New Hampshire.

After seven hours on the road, pausing only to explore an Old Ones cult site, storm a terrible castle, and eat distressingly dry corned beef at a Greek diner that still advertised one of their menu items as “Michael Jackson’s favorite grinder”, we were in dire need of respite.

Establishing a forward operating base was our first priority. For my part, I can sleep anywhere. My bonfire days in the Frozen North frequently necessitated pitching a $10 K-Mart tent over gravel, then drinking bottom-shelf whiskey until you didn’t realize you were sleeping in a puddle of rainwater and broken glass. That’s not a knack you lose. It’s like riding a bike. The Girl was always more discerning, and became doubly so after our experience in Phoenix with the inept criminal front halfway house hotel. We agreed that she can veto any of the lodgings I book. Sometimes, late at night, I’ll hold a flashlight under my chin and tell her spoOoOoky stories about hostels in Ireland.

She insisted on the airport Super 8. I was hoping to stay in a quaint deep woods motel called “Unsmiling Jed’s Sleepaway”, attached to sister business “Unsmiling Jed’s Discount Plastic Surgery Silo and Chili Kitchen”.

If I can’t protect it, I don’t deserve to have it. That goes double for life.

A friendly foreign woman checked us in at the Super 8, then proceeded into utter bafflement when I asked for a first aid kid. I chewed myself up pretty good climbing Bancroft’s Castle, and I’d spent the last half hour bleeding into an oily dog blanket to avoid ruining my upholstery. I’m pretty sure that’s how plagues start.

There were no band-aids here, or antiseptics, or possibly medicine as a concept. There was a three gallon tub of hand sanitizer. I thanked her for the offer but gently declined.

We went up to the third floor. The hallways were lined with people sitting on the carpet outside their rooms, shouting and smoking cigarettes. The room itself was clean and the air conditioning worked. All my boxes were checked. The bathroom reeked of weed, which some would interpret as a bonus. I scrubbed my wounds raw in the sink, tucked away the precious cargo of wine and peaches, and set out to investigate downtown Manchester.

Streetlight technology has not yet made its way to Manchester, so we spent twenty minutes missing exits in ocean-floor darkness. It looked worryingly like Wilkes-Barre, which is not where one would choose to vacation, were one sane.

Downtown erupted from nowhere like graphic pop-in on a video game running at its lowest resolution. One second you’re in leatherface country, with nothing breaking the abyssal darkness but the occasional half-broken Jiffy Lube sign. The next, you’re on vibrant neon market strip, replete with hipsters and the homeless.

We knew we had hit downtown proper when we passed by the “craft grilled cheese bistro”.

only programmers will understand!!!! like and reblog if u get it

Since I am an adult man, grilled cheese cannot be dinner. Both “gastropubs” we tried, despite their bitchin Greek mythology names, offered generic terrible burgers and a draft list that consisted of Coors Light.

“I’m so hungry,” the Girl told me. “I’m gonna die.”

“We all will,” I assured her. “Soon.”

Yelp claimed there was a brewery five blocks away. We walked off the only lit street, into absolute, encompassing blackness. It would’ve been spooky if I didn’t always kind of hope some Putty Patrol mook would lunge at me from the dark while I’m far away from home, having told no one where I’m going and left no paper trail.

There were no incidents. No one was murdered in self-defense. No one knows what we did last summer. The Stark Brewing Company was in the basement of a grim looking office complex, and it was vacant save for two other wanderers.

We sat at the bar and ordered a flight and an imperial stout. I was pushing for finding an actual restaurant, but the Girl ordered “Penne with vodka sauce”, which was not the right color, flavor, or texture to be anything but penne bolognese. The Girl didn’t seem to mind. I ate a pulled pork sandwich.

The beers were warm, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter what the beers were, so long as they were beers. And not Coors Light. The brewery themed all of their beers off of dogs, for some reason, which I believe to be the ideal business model. According to the bartenders, the brewery had been open for 25 years, but hadn’t yet received their big boom. I was outraged. The beers were excellent, and would probably be even better if they weren’t room temperature, and the taps were not only named for specific dogs, but also provided pictures.

To say nothing of the bathroom, which was covered in sharpie beer lore.

The bartender and waitresses swore a lot more than you would normally expect in this context. The Girl maintains they were swearing at us. I disagreed.

“They were swearing <i>with</i> us,” I mansplained.

“We weren’t swearing,” she countered.

“But if we HAD been.”

As I’ve grown larger and more sinuous, I’ve tried to cut back on how often I cuss at strangers. Cultural relativism is the understanding that not everyone grew up among the coalcrackers, and good-natured oaths like “how the hell are you” or using the fuck-word as a conversational placeholder, while subjectively soothing, can set off fight-or-flight in the small, soft, and bourgeoisie.

I try to maintain direct proportionality between my barbarism and my well-heeledness. Neither the wait staff nor the other two customers shared my bond, and the middle-aged guy on my right proceeded to tell me how his hometown of Denver, Colorado is the greatest fuckin’ city in America, next to maybe Southern California. Which is not a city.

We talked about our homes and travels for a while, then I got my pulled pork sandwich and they left. The sandwich was slightly warmer than the beer, which beat the alternative.

An armada of children came into the bar.

“Oh, shit,” the woman tending bar said. They were visibly teenagers, and on the wrong side of it. They had that gangly awkwardness you get around fourteen or fifteen, and if they were trying to play it off, they were woefully bad at it. There were also nearly twenty of them. It looked like a field trip.

People in their twenties don’t travel in packs of more than six. It’s hard to transport a throng, unless you have a party bus, and why do you have a party bus when you’re twenty-eight? You’re twenty-eight and party buses have always been sad. Get a job. Also, it’s hard to get that many adults to agree on something.

It can be done. You can say, “Hey, adults, you want to do some drugs?” And in a sufficiently sized crowd, you’ll manage to pull twenty or so who will follow you to your house or whatever. This is called an “afterparty”. It doesn’t go to bars at 9pm.

Have you felt out the social zeitgeist recently? Look at a random handful of current memes and it’ll be pretty clear that most adults consider socialization to be a required burden, like paying emotional taxes. “Going out” is the price of living in a civilized society. You’re not going to scare up twenty people, then put them in a party bus, then take them to an abandoned bar half a mile outside of where the actual nightlife is.

“Hey, we’re just about to close,” the bartender said.

A reedy blonde in a top that seemed to consist mostly of straps screeched, “But your WEBSITE said you were open til ONE!”

Screeched.

The bar fell silent. Well, more silent. The Girl and I traded looks, her horror for my delight.

“Uhhhhhh,” the bartender said, but with excellent elocution, as though that were the word she had deliberately chosen. “Okay.”

They sat the itinerant mall food court in an enormous corner table, whereupon they requested shots.

The waitress who had sworn at/with us the least came back to the bar and said, “You guys said you were from Pennsylvania, right?”

We nodded.

“Can I see one of your licenses quick?”

She compared mine against the obviously fake ID one of the tweens had given her. After a moment she said, “Yeah, you can see, the font is different. And the picture looks like it’s photoshopped.”

“Yeah, no one’s license picture ever looks this good,” the Girl said, studying the fake ID.

“Except mine,” I added. They ignored me. I didn’t take it personally.

The waitresses disappeared into the back. Five minutes later, the only dude working at the place was gendered into being the bad cop. He sulked over to the teens.

“You guys gotta leave,” he said. “We know your ID’s fake. We’re not trying to get fined. You gotta go.”

For maximum accuracy, imagine this said in Toby’s voice from the Office. Shamefaced, the flash mob of children dispersed.

We paid for our room temperature beers and left the poor, foul-mouthed brewery to close at 9:30 on a Friday. The Girl and I accidentally stalked the battalion of teens through the street, but only because we were all moving back toward the only lights in the city, not unlike moths. They turned a corner and vanished, presumably to find an arcade or laser tag or some sort of large carousel.

The Girl and I followed the sounds of some obnoxious bros announcing, “It’s like a fahkin sketchy ally, dewd”.

It was, in fact, the least sketchy alley I’d ever been in. Cat Alley was the best lit venue in all of New Hampshire. It was clean and well-maintained, and it was covered less in graffiti and more in an outdoor art gallery dedicated to cats.

There were more, but they didn’t all warrant a picture.

Portland Pie Co loomed from the endless darkness like a beacon in the night, hearkening back to those days lost in Maine during the Great Lobster Drought of 2017. We split a bourbon barrel ale which did me in. It was bedtime.

On the way back, toward the end of the main drag, a man made of pure light rode by blasting EZ-Listenin from his Tron bicycle, also made of pure light.

I can’t prove he wasn’t Jesus.

Heartened, we returned to the hotel, where no one was smoking or yelling in the hallway anymore. Excellent.

Next stop, Portsmouth.

Love,

The Bastard

Into the Abyss August 11, 2018. Manchester, New Hampshire. After seven hours on the road, pausing only to explore an Old Ones cult site, storm a terrible castle, and eat distressingly dry corned beef at a Greek diner that still advertised one of their menu items as "Michael Jackson's favorite grinder", we were in dire need of respite.