#i didn’t buy ticket insurance

[anne20055]

if they don’t post “Dan And Phil React To Interactive Introverts” at some point before the tit tour starts, i will actually refund my ticket.

[cyber69]

i was supposed to see one of my absolute favorite artists tomorrow night and she just canceled and i AM SO UPSET

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

I really wanted talk about how Louis made touring cool again for the 1D guys. I feel when they all initially went solo, all of them got a lot of success in terms of sales and streaming except for Louis. Zayn had issues touring even when he was with 1D and when he couldn’t find his feet with the first few performances he decided it wasn’t for him but he was still being successful so it didn’t matter. Liam took a page out of his book and made claims around never touring. Niall did tour but his numbers were nowhere near what he was expecting and he always seemed to be caught with them. His measure of success is always number of butts in seats.

I think Louis on the other hand was desperate to tour, he didn’t really care about how small his shows were. He wanted to put out an album to be able to go on tour with it. His sole purpose was to go out and play for an audience, hence his free festival. To an extent he showed the others that you could have a career even if you don’t have the biggest sales which I feel the others didn’t fully appreciate. He also communicated a joy which came just from being on tour.

When the others didn’t quite hit the numbers they were after, they did very quickly realise that they could still have a good career if they went out and toured. I think all of them have an inbuilt superiority complex to Louis which has come over the years of being in 1D where Louis was never given the same opportunities as them. They all have a feeling if Louis can do it then so can we.

I think what I am trying to say is no matter whether they acknowledge it or not, he is inspiring to them. Liam was going to go to Latam to tour, now Zayn is looking to put a tour together. Niall seems so happy with his very successful tour.

Anon,

Let me kiss your brain. Yours is the kind of ask I love and live for!!

So many great points here. I’ll try to pick out the ones I love most.

1. The landscape of music has changed drastically from 2015, when 1D released MITAM. MITAM’s sales for the first week, vying with Justin Bieber’s album for number 1, were 500k+ in the USA. Today, a very good album sale would be 50k on week 1— sometimes this is enough for top 3. People who sell a lot more have insane fanbases who buy multiple copies just to push the album over the top. The fact is that sales do not generate a huge amount of revenue anymore, and streaming even less. Numbers are for the labels, for bragging rights and awards (which, in turn, are not for prestige anymore but for selling more stuff), and to collect on streaming revenue.

2. So, touring and copyright protection are paramount. Radio play generates passive income ad infinitum. Synchs are also lucrative — a Taylor Swift song played for 30 seconds on a popular Netflix show can be worth $500k to $1 million to her— with no investment to recoup. One single stadium show can generate $10 million revenue.

3. One could say that Louis had to foresight to focus on touring instead of sales, but like you said, anon, his concern was never about charting or money. If Louis wanted to maximize revenue, he would have made his tickets double their price and throw in VIP for packages like Harry did for his very first tour and Niall is doing now. He could do residencies. He would skip smaller cities and some countries that other people don’t tour, because transport of people and equipment costs a lot, not to mention venue, insurance, and promotional costs. He would charge for water. He would have paid meet and greets.

4. But Louis wanted to tour. He played in front of less than 500 people to start with. His first tour shows were in 1,500 seat venues. For him, it was always about cultivating a loyal fanbase. He made his Notes statement about staying true to himself and making the music he wanted, even if it meant losing a lot of fans, but honestly, by 2019, Louis knew he had lost most of his 1D fans. Too much delay, too many false promises. Two Of Us numbers were a fraction of Just Hold On and Back To You.

5. The first AFHF! This is such a good point. Louis had a taste of solo touring in 2020, and he was psyched for more. He was committed to making his tour successful; he set a very high expectation for the level at which he wanted to play. He stuck with Helene as a vocal coach and he worked hard at his voice. In the back of Louis’ head, there are always the 1D voices saying, “You have a harmony voice, you have a chorus voice. You don’t have a solo voice.” But … he pushed on. Both the London livestream and AFHF 2021 showed what he could do, and what he did was near perfection. No fancy costumes or staging, just beautifully delivered vocals. The Guinness Book of World Records, I’m sure, surprised him and opened his eyes a bit. People love him.

6. The joy from being on tour. Louis always said it was the best part of being a musician. He loved every minute, and you could tell when he ran out with cupcakes, when he did fun things with the tour group like tattoos and outings (straight from the first, Covid precautions and all, go karts and cocktail bars and private clubs), when he did odds bets and races and pickup football games. He had fun and he made it fun for everyone. Selling every seat wasn’t as important as enjoying the process.

7. The 1D guys’ superiority complex when comparing themselves to Louis. I think this is such an astute, intelligent perception! I think it’s true that all of the 1D men expect Louis to be at the bottom — the least monthly listeners, the most blacklisted, the least favorable critical reviews, the least 1D solos, the guy who stayed with Simon Cowell. I think they’re all shocked by some of his achievements, such as a number 1 album or a world record, or the Mexico City show with 65k in attendance. I think Niall, who consistently kisses up to power, or Zayn with superior vocals, or Harry with Irving Azoff and Rob Stringer behind him, simply don’t consider Louis to be a contender for the most loved 1D guy.

I really do think there’s an element of, “If Louis could do it, why not me?”

The problem when Liam tried to sell tickets in Latam is that he expected 1D loyalty to transfer into ticket sales without doing the fan service first. We’ll see how Zayn’s ticket sales go, but they need to have the right attitude — fandom love, if not created by industry’s power, must be authentically earned. That means good music, fan service, and trust.

Anon, again thanks for this great ask! You’ve made my week.

[cb-writes-stuff]

I think my characters are too nice, patient, and forgiving. What if they were mean? What if they ran out of patience? What if they were annoyed with each other?

Hehehe… And the best part…

What if they then had to have dinner together?

Metacommentary below the cut because it wouldn’t fit in the tags.

A good novel has a back and forth, specifically between positive and negative moments. The idea is that if a scene starts positive, it should end negative, and vice versa. This keeps things from feeling stale or stagnating. But if the characters are always cordial and forgiving, then there’s no conflict to be resolved, and there’s no negative. That’s why utopian books and maybe some slice-of-life stuff is boring: nothing bad happens. I don’t like making my characters hurt each other, even in the tiniest of ways, but it makes the scenes interesting to read and interesting to write.

On the other hand, if the characters are always moody and abrasive, then the conflicts are never resolved, and theres no negative. So for the same reason as utopian literature and poorly written slice-of-lifes, teenage-angsty stories, dystopias, and anything grimdark are so unattractive: nothing good happens. (Again, only when it’s poorly written. There are examples of these things done well.) And if the world itself is unforgiving, then there’s never any hope.

What’s considered “positive” and “negative” is entirely dependent on context. Typically, positives are stronger in comparison to negatives; that is, it takes less positive to balance (or outweigh) negative. On a bright, sunny day with not a cloud in the sky, what’s one little raindrop? But when you’ve hit rock bottom, given up with nothing left to lose, that one ray of light can mean everything.

Let’s say a character just got a big promotion at work—that’s a positive. Okay, so we need to balance it out with a negative. So, he goes to the gas station, buys a lottery ticket, and doesn’t win. Doesn’t that just suck? No, it doesn’t suck. He can very easily move on from it. A better negative would be his car getting rear-ended while the boss was shaking his hand. Yes, he’s probably not worried financially, but he has to deal with his insurance company, find the person who rear-ended him, and he has to do something with the car. That’s not a problem he can just walk away from.

Let’s consider the opposite. A character is sent to prison for a horrible crime she didn’t commit. She couldn’t afford a good lawyer, the case was stacked against her. And just when she was about to start her new job. The interview went so well and everything. (Eh? See? Back and forth.) So a few days after the hearing, she’s sitting in her cell when the guard comes around—“Hey, turns out you were found innocent on that petty theft, so that’s a few months off your 70 to life.”. That is a near-meaningless positive. It is not something significant to her, and barely changes the situation at all. Instead, a better positive would be she’s sitting in her cell, when the guard comes around—“Mail call.” The guard slips her a letter. She opens it, and covers her mouth in teary-eyed shock. It’s from her boyfriend, and it says, “I’ll wait for you.”

This back-and-forth idea applies to whole chapters, too. If the chapters starts out negative, it should end positive.

(And yeah, I made this post instead of writing. Oh well.)

[writinginthesecrettrees]

So I was reading a thing about “what made you cut off a friend for good” and one stuck out to me:

This dude was upset that his long-time friend from out of state didn’t come to his wedding. Friend couldn’t afford it. Dude said “I told him I’d cover travel and hotel room” like that solved it.

It reminded me of when I lived in Portland and worked at Fred Meyer. My mom used to ask me to come visit back home all the time. She’d offer to get me plane tickets and stuff.

It took me telling her “I would need you to cover the hourly wage I’d be missing for the duration of the visit to be able to afford it” for her to understand that… yeah, I could afford my life there, but there wasn’t a lot left over. I was making $13.25/hour with a guaranteed 40-hour week because I was assistant manager in the deli. (My wage was $1/hr more than the highest rate for a plain employee.) 2 weeks, after taxes, covered a little over my rent. I liked to be able to buy food and gas. I had union dues. I had healthcare costs. Car insurance, renters insurance. Utilities and cell phone. Trying to have at least a bit of savings as a buffer in case I got sick. Frankly, I’m lucky I didn’t have credit card or student loan debt on top of it all.

Sometimes, the loss of wages from taking time off is not something a person can afford. There is so much more to travel than just “flights and hotel.”

[aturnoftheearth]

i got 2 tickets row 42 seats 25 and 26. bless my mom shes suggesting ways to make the trip work. i also got ticket insurance because i am paranoid about basically any ticket i dont buy week-of

THE WAY THAT YOURE ONE ROW IN FRONT OF SOME OF THE TICKETS WE GOT. BUT ITS SEATS 69-72 . no literally i’m so so scared i don’t even have a way of getting there yet or a headcount of who’s all going in my family but i know how much those tickets resale for and i didn’t want to risk it 😭😭

[imnotcryingyouare1]

I hate how easy to use and manipulate I am all anyone has to do is give me attention and I’d do anything for them I’ve spent so much money on a girl who I thought was my best friend because she’s been saying for years “I’ll pay you back when I get paid” she never paid me back

She messaged today saying she felt as if I used her for a trip to the shop because I didn’t want to get high at my aunts with my cousin and I’ve been distant but my cat go hit by a car on Christmas and I’ve been caring for him so sorry if I don’t have the time/ energy for any of them

The things they pressured me to do

Getting a tattoo

Smoking

Smoking weed

Doing edibles

Paying for her fuel

Buying vapes for them

Buying clothes

Harry styles merch

5sos merch

Paying for everything when together

Helping her lie about being pregnant

Buying pregnancy tests

Things I’ve done for her without asking for anything in return or bringing up when she never paid me back:

Harry styles tickets

5sos tickets

4 tickets to the zoo and amusement park

My mum helped pay her car insurance

Helped her with issues with her mum

I’ve also got tickets for the band new rules but I’ve decided I’m not going to bring her

[kaiyeti]

Train ticket Teller: *reading the new paper*

Ruby: Hello. Four tickets to Bletses, please.

TTT: *looking up from their paper.* Sure thing ma’am. That will... be...

Blake: Is something wrong?

TTT: Uh, Yes. Yes. Just... You four wouldn’t be Team RWBY would you?

Weiss: Yes that is us.

TTT: O-Oh. Okay... Just uh, give me a moment. I have to make a call. *grabs his scroll.*

Yang: Wow. We have gotten pretty famous.

Scroll: Wassup Jess.

Jess: H-Hey. Did our team RWBY insurance kick in yet? 

Scroll: I’m not sure. I think it starts tomorrow for sure. Why?

Jess: Because Team RWBY is in front of me asking to buy tickets.

Scroll: OH FUCK ME WITH A GOAT! TELL ME YOU DIDN’T SELL THEM TICKETS! WE CAN’T AFFORT BUYING A NEW TRAIN!

Jess: Uuuuuh. No buuuuut.

Scroll: You have me on speaker again don’t you.

WBY: Yep.

Ruby: We can come back tomorrow if you want.

Scroll: DAMN IT JESS!

[catb-fics]

I'd rather buy a ticket a few days before 3th August for London Stadium because I'm not sure what could happen till then. Is that possible?

I suppose there’s a slight risk to wait that late but it’s quite unlikely they’ll sell out completely. Although I’m sure some Oasis fans who also like Catfish might decide to go to their show if they didn’t get Oasis tickets! I suppose the ticket options might be limited but there’s bound to be loads on Twickets just beforehand so you’ll probably be fine.

Remember if anything happens and the shows are cancelled you’ll get a full refund, but it’s just travel and accommodation if you need it that you might lose out on if you don’t have booking insurance.

Accommodation will likely be really expensive in London due to Oasis too 😬

[binders-and-beanies]

>be me

>applying for Medicaid for the 4th time, have to go in person

>physically live in a different county than I legally live in, so I have to drive an hour+

>every fuckdamn road in my area is closed which adds another half an hour ish

>times I was available to go this week included 1) today in the rain (and my car struggles w rain) or 2) friday when presale was supposed to drop for a maybe once in a lifetime show opportunity I didn’t wanna risk not getting

>choose the rain

>park in a garage a couple minute walk from where I’m going. Not allowed to bring a phone in county buildings so I can’t use gps

>dyspraxic

>parked right before the place opened but spent an hour walking around the city hopelessly lost, asking various people for directions and not understanding their directions, getting questioned by police etc

>did I mention it’s raining. Also I have a 2 day old tattoo (covered but ow)

>find the place and have to stand for another hour (also ow) (this place is literally for disabled people let me sit)

>instead of having me reapply they gave me another month for the previous application for reconsideration. Handed me paperwork to take w me (which was the whole point of going in person bc it was repeatedly not coming in the mail in time) so mission accomplished I guess but they added twice as much paperwork so who knows if that’s even everything

>walking back to my car and the aforementioned presale drops 2 days early

>crouch on the wet busy sidewalk and buy a ticket

>ok cool acquired but this was the whole reason I didn’t wait for a safer day to drive (and for my tattoo to be healed more)

>go home n arrange for the rest of the paperwork to be filled out by various people

>first time I’ve felt hopeful at having a shot at finishing an application but still don’t feel hopeful abt approval bc I’m not gonna meet the standards

>prob not gonna be insured any time soon but at least in 5 months I get to see the band I’ve wanted to see so bad for over a decade

>same band as the new tattoo btw

[shop-korea]

BEAUTIFUL - PURPLES - FILL - THE - TOP - OF - MY

MOZILLA - FIREFOX - SO - GORGEOUS - ALSO YES

BECAME - LIKE - BRAVE - BROWSER - BLOCKS

ADS - SO - HACKERS - ARE - NOW - ATTACKING

FIREFOX - CAN’T - GET - IN - YOUTUBE

SO - USING - BRAVE - BROWSER - YES

MY - SAMSUNG - GALAXY - OLD - S SERIES

COLD - WEATHER - WENT - BERSERK

THROWING - AWAY - $1,999.99 - THUS

DEPENDENT - ON - INSURANCE

REPLACEMENTS

SO - BEING - IN - USA - AS - SHOPPERS

WE’RE - THROWING - AWAY - OUR - KR

KOREAN - SAMSUNG - SMARTPHONES

TUMBLR - OWNER 

CREATOR - OF - WORD PRESS

LIVES - IN - TEXAS - A - CASTLE - DOCTRINE

STATE - ANYONE - THREATENS - HIS HOME

DEADLY - FORCE - ENDS - THEIR - LIVES

TUMBLR - OFFICES - IN - MANHATTAN NY

AKA - NEW YORK - CITY - NEW YORK NY

NOT - CASTLE - DOCTRINE - STATE

MEANING - ANYONE - CAN - COME

AND - KILL - ALL - EMPLOYEES

NOT - STAND - YOUR - GROUND

LAWS - HIGHER - TAXES - THEY

SAID - PHONE - CALLS - 2 HELP

THEM - 4 SEASONS

RAIN - SNOW - EVERYTHING

SAME - POLICE - THAT - TOLD

PHIIPPIINES - 2 - GO - BACK 2 - WHERE

U - BELONG - WITH - HORRIBLE - UGLY

ACCENT - THE - JAPANESE - CAN YELL

AT - YOU - AS - LOUD - AS - THEY WANT

AS - AMERICANS - WE - HAVE - RIGHT

2 - MAKE - YOU - STARVE - WILL - YOU

ARE - IN - NEW YORK

YOU - ARE - NOT - ALLOWED GROCERY

YOU - CAN - BLEED - STREET - WITH

VAGINAL - BLEEDING

YOU - ARE - NOT - ALLOWED - FOOD

AND - DRINK - FR - RESTAURANTS

11 SEPTEMBER

BIRTHDAY - FERDINAND E MARCOS

AS - CHILD - HE - WARNED - ME ABOUT

OUR - ENEMIES - OUTSIDE - PILIPINAS

MET - 2 - MALES - THAT - DAY

THICK - CLOTHES - PROVIDED BY TAX

CAR - FUEL - SHOES - ALL - PROVIDED

BY - TAX

NEW YORK - NON-CASTLE - DOCTRINE

STATE - NOT - STAND - YOUR GROUND

AS - WE - WILL - PARALIZE - THESE

ARMED - AS - THEY - STEAL - YOUR

QUARTERS

THEIR - FIREMEN - WITH - AX

AS - THEY - PUSH - YOU - FR

YOUR - ELEVATORS

ILLEGAL - MISOGYNY

11 SEPT BOMBINGS

11 SEPT - WILL - HAPPEN - AGAIN

TUMBLR - OFFICES - ARE - IN - NEW YORK

LOTS - OF - CRIMINALS - LIVE - THERE YES

MANHATTAN - OR - NEW YORK - CITY

THEIR - BROADWAY - THEATRES - 2 - YES

EXPENSIVE - THE - USHERS - MISTREATED

ME - MISS SAIGON - TICKET - MALE YELLED

AT - ME - 2 - STOP - DANCING

SO - WENT - IN - FRONT - REMOVED - MY

FRONT - BLOUSE - AND - ORDERED WITH

BRITSH - FEMALE - TICKETS - WITHOUT A

BLOUSE - WASN’T - ARRESTED

TICKET - SALES - OF - BROADWAY THEATRES

THEY - DON’T - KNOW - ANYTHING - ABOUT

THEIR - SHOWS - THEY - JUST - TAKE - $$$$

THEIR - DANCERS

DARREN LEE

CRUISE - SHIPS - NOW

DIRECTOR - CHOREOGRAPHER

HE - PRETENDED - HE - DIDN’T - KNOW ME

ALL - THE - TIME

‘VICTOR - VICTORIA’ 

KISSED - ME - AND - ASKED - ME 2 MARRY

I - SAID - ‘YES’

LUNCH - TIME - HE - PRETENDED - HE

DOESN’T - KNOW - ME

WORE - SAME - COAT

SO - NEW YORK - SOLD - BY - DANISH

ME - ALSO - DENMARK

THEY’RE - MURDERERS - ROBBERS

BUYING - CENTRAL - PARK

PENTHOUSE

$250 MILLION

ORIGINAL - STATE - HAS - CHILDREN

DEMOCRATIC - PARTY

DEMOCRATS

NO - PUBLIX - NO - WALMART - THERE

AMAZON - GROCERY - RIPE - 4 - THAT

STATE - WE’LL - MAKE - CHANGES

LOST - LONG - POST - WILL - DO AGAIN

[thewul]

Big City Girl

She had looked concerned over the past days as the wedding date approached, she needed a new Hanbok for the wedding and so did he, and there was costs for the ceremony, she had some savings that she could use, and maybe he could borrow money from the old man and repay him later

He took her hands in his, there will be no need for that, I am a wealthy man he said, wealthy but how? I had always been but I wanted you to value me for myself and not for my wealth, now that it is done there is no need to hide anything anymore

I thought that this would look good with your dress, accessories are important you know, and he presented her with the HUGO BOSS chain gold plated watch in its coffret he had ordered on catalog from the store a few days ago, with your blue dress he said, the big city girl

She had suspected that he was, judging from the expensive gifts that she received and his always neatly dressed appearance, but he never mentioned anything about it and she had never asked him anything about it, whether he was wealthy or not didn’t change how she felt about him, and anything in life they could have with hard work, that was reasonable, that was what they needed not what they could do without

And its incredible all the things you can do without in life when you have true love, and how all the money in the world cannot buy a single moment of it, that was the best insurance for better or for worse that you didn’t face life as a long solitude

Money could neither buy love nor take it away, from those who put it and all the things that it meant for them beyond any considerations, not as a choice or even an engagement but the essence of who they are

That adversity couldn’t brake but only made stronger, for true love held such an immense defiance in the face of odds that it was truly the fabric of the invincible

She wiped the tears from her eyes with one of the table napkins, she had visited her family regularly in the small Gangwon village where she was from, but not like this, dressed as a model and with her future husband, a tall handsome man, she remembered when she had left years ago, on a rainy evening with a train ticket and few belongings to work at the noodle’s shop, to return now with the promise of all what life can hold that is good and meaningful

[furu]

I barely buy stuff. I pay rent, insurance, buy groceries, gym membership and bus tickets but I can barely afford it some months depending on my income 😐 Now there is an error with my paycheck and I’m getting paid less than I should. I will have like €130 left after paying rent and I don’t know how fast they’ll fix it. I can’t eat for a month with that? It’s okay because I can borrow money from my dad but I wish I didn’t have to

[coldcasescenario]

journal entry 07/12/23

You said to call next time. I kept thinking that I didn’t want to put my burdens on you. I went back and forth about it for a while. I mean, gosh, you’ve already done enough for me and you certainly don’t deserve to deal with the results of my idiocy. But then I thought about what I use for my own personal motivation, that you can’t win the lottery if you don’t even buy a ticket; and that you can’t fix your problems if you don’t even look at them. And as much as my cowardly instinct is to never reach out and just run away from my problems, saving them for another day, the more I keep running, the larger the shadow behind me grows. Sometimes I need to learn to bite the bullet and do the things I’m afraid of, like facing my problems head on, accepting the blame, and figuring out how to fix them. But all I ever fucking do is complain. I whine and complain that the world is cruel and unfair, even though I’ve caused all of my problems myself. I honestly don’t know how I am so incompetent with so many things, but very competent at continuing to keep making things worse and worse, every time I think it’s the worse it can get, and I think “oh this is rock bottom it can only go up from here”, I somehow manage to make it even worse. You think I’d get it through my thick head that my habits are unsustainable and that I’ll keep fucking everything up, but alas I never learn. So now I’ve led myself to a situation where I might actually become homeless, which means I’ll need someone to look after my cats, which means, what the fuck do I do because I literally cannot survive without them. And I’ve let my friends down, and I’m unreliable, and you might be the only person who is proud of me, but if I listed all the shitty things I’ve done, and how I’ve never learned from them, I’m just not sure how proud of me you’d still be. I don’t want to die, and I certainly don’t want my cats to have to live without me, but I don’t know what to do at this point. How did I get to age 23 and screw things up so badly. I can’t even talk to my fucking therapist because she doesn’t take my insurance anymore, and I already paid out of pocket for the past 6 months but can’t do that anymore, but also by the end of the day I might not even have insurance anymore so it wouldn’t really make a difference. And won’t that be fun?? It’s tough cause if I do what I know I need to do to start fresh, things will be really really really awful for a while, but eventually get much better. But if I just keep on going like this they’ll keep sucking at this rate indefinitely, and the main thing bringing me down will always remain. What would you choose? Ripping the bandaid off leaving a gaping open wound that you can treat for infection, or letting the bandaid stay and cover up the ick so you don’t have to deal with it for awhile? Both unappealing, different types of pain—sharp, searing, and momentous, versus deep aching sores picking at you internally causing constant discomfort…wouldn’t it be swell if art could provide income. But has it ever been that way? Money is the only way to get money. And pain is the only way to heal I guess. At a standstill. Waiting for the right sign. I’m not giving up on this life, but I sure am not feeling all too excited about it.

It’s funny how someone can want things to get better but we have to pay to exist. And we wonder why the suicide rates are so high, when you need to pay thousands of dollars insurance or out of pocket to get help. Even medically, if you get hurt, you’ll be in debt for the rest of your life. Chock it all up to capitalism? Or just take the damn blame and realize how fucked up we are. Not just as a society, but as individuals. You walked around Syracuse crying all day and no one said anything or asked if you were okay. Homeless people die on the streets of NY everyday and no one bats an eye. Why do we bother? I like to think it’s because there is good in humanity, but it’s just so rare that although its singularity makes it all the more special that it leaves an impact on whoever is touched by it, the rarity means the chances of getting touched by it are so small, and you may go through your whole life or die before you’re given the chance to experience it. I guess I got a taste of it from having people tolerate me, support me, and care for me. But the rarity from that one stranger who COULD save your life reaching out is unparalleled. They dont know you, and yet they think you’re worth it. I only ever had rico like that. He was always there when people weren’t. And Friday I’ll be picking up my passport and likely saying goodbye to him. Not because I want to, not because he’s going anywhere, but because he’s the sacrifice I need to make to create a better life for myself. How do you know when and what to sacrifice? How do you know it’s the right choice? I suppose we NEVER truly know when we’ve made the right choice. We just hope that eventually we find happiness and see it in others. But if we don’t, do we blame it on having made the wrong choice? Or do we place fault on all the other factors out of our control that the universal decided should play a role. What good is slitting your wrists if nothing changes? And what good is reaching out for help if you can’t afford it. I want there to be a good, I want there to be a reason, I just don’t see it.

Oh go ahead world, call me antisocial. Call me psychotic. Maybe I am. But you can’t put me in a mental hospital if there’s no one to pay the bills. And that’s how our mentally ill end up on the streets isn’t it?

We learn in school that Hinduism casts aside its untouchables to live on the streets, poor for their whole lives, unable to move up the ladder. We say how shocking that part of their culture is, how inhumane, how we couldn’t believe people could turn a blind eye. But how are we literally any different? If you voice your concerns too much, you’re an attention whore, pick me girl, or narcissist. If you don’t voice your concerns enough, you’re too lazy to get better, unmotivated, and unwilling to heal. To seek out a professional you need to be rich enough and motivated enough—and stable enough to attend your sessions. And have a method of transportation to get there, or have a computer AND wifi and a place to sit for online sessions. do you see how we have gentrified ourselves? We have divided ourselves into categories—and those without the financial stability to save themselves from their own humanity end up being cast aside, while those with money can treat their problems and go on to make more money.

But then there’s the issue of making money. You’re only allowed to make money in certain ways. Some ways are illegal, many are frowned upon, and the rest render you subject to the worlds judgment, and being placed in a box of stereotypes for the rest of your life. Which will you choose? Who are you truly versus who others will see you as? Are you ever equally both? Does anyone’s perception of you equate to your own perception of yourself?

Sometimes I want to talk to Van Gogh, or moonbin, or Jonghyun. Someone so pained that in their lives they were never appreciated, their art was never understood. Always an untouchable. Only after they died did their legacy bloom. And maybe that’s what drives the suicidal. The instant bone crush as the catalyst for their legacy to begin. But will they ever see it? And if their legacy never measures up to the drive that lead them into the dark, will they still have done it? Will the lack of pain have been enough? No, cause they can’t feel the lack of pain. So again, it’s useless. I don’t want everything to be useless. I mean how messed up do you have to be to think even suicide won’t end your pain. Life isn’t useless for everyone, but for those who are astray, they may never find its use, and they’ll stay in the dark where others long to be.

I don’t want to be in the dark. I don’t want to be like Van Gogh, or Moonbin, or Jonghyun. I want a legacy, sure, but I want to see my art be appreciated. I want to spread all the love and goodness that I have to others. Sometimes days just take their tolls on us, and we need others. Sometimes those days turn into weeks or months. Things might get better on their own, but what kind of perserverence let’s life take control of them?

I hope my struggles will turn into more motivation. More music. More love. More sharing joy. I hope they’ll make me a better person. I just need some help in not repeating the same mistakes.

[kaiwritesgood]

“Object” Assignment

               My parents met on the Washington D.C. Metro – the Orange Line train. Years later, my brother and I would become accustomed to spending 24 hours on an Amtrak train headed from D.C. to West Palm Beach, Florida. In my teens, I forced my friends to pick me up and drop me off at the appropriate Metro station. I had a dormant license as my dad provided me with an endless supply of SmartTrip cards.                I learned at a young age that cars were expensive, insurance was just as expensive, and teenagers could not be trusted behind the wheel. I would grow tired of arguing that, and I’d quickly run out of sources and statistics to support my point, which was that I could be trusted, and I was deserving. My friends were not good drivers. And my classmates frequently got into accidents, documented on the local news.                My 16-year-old-self had no idea I would not receive my first car until age 23, nine months into the first year of the pandemic.                By 2020, I had been living in Pittsburgh for six years, and I relied on the Port Authority (now Pittsburgh Regional Transit) to get me anywhere and everywhere. I had enough practice. And the system was smaller than the one I was used to. But I would soon find that this bus system was riddled with problems.                The bus was frequently late and often a no-show. Sometimes, and infuriatingly, it would come too early. There was only one downtown location for obtaining and refilling a bus pass.                When the pandemic came, I feared these buses more than usual. I refused to use them unless necessary and relied on my boyfriend and his Kia Forte to get me around.                Then my mom called one afternoon.                “Ron’s upgrading his car,” she said. I felt my face light up.

               Wait, I thought. I don’t know shit about cars.                Two weeks, and $5,000 later, I had a black, 2016 Honda HR-V parallel parked in front of my apartment. My first few trips were to the craft store. After that, the grocery store, then my friend’s places, then to the mall, then to restaurants, and even across the state and back. I started to enjoy traveling on my own schedule, picking up my friends, shopping at odd times, even sitting in drive-thru’s became almost “fun”.                But when school and work resumed, I’d soon realize that I really don’t like to drive.                By the end of the first year of ownership, I had been in two accidents, collected a wide range of parking tickets, fell behind on insurance payments, spent a fortune on gas, locked my keys in the trunk, then lost the set of backup keys. Having a car was starting to feel like having a child.                The car provided me with only a level of privacy money could buy and at the same time, it exposed me to a world of new dangers. Being behind the wheel makes me think of all the many auto-related ways people die that I had never thought of before. A moment never went by where I didn’t miss and long for the train.                The car operated on so many extremes; it expanded and limited the places I could go, it was safe and dangerous at the same time, and it felt like it either went very fast or very slow. I felt conflicted about this realization though because I had been asking for a car since I got my license at 17. I almost felt like my complaints had a tinge of privilege in them. I owned one car that was completely paid off, it was even black inside and out like I preferred. I had access to two cars, if you included my boyfriend’s. And in today’s economy, I knew a two-car household was considered a luxury to many people. Here I was, complaining, about having too much.                Even though the act of driving irritated me, I recognized the importance of the car. And after owning it for only two years, I can’t imagine not having it. And maybe the reliance on it is what I resent – the conditions that forced me into driving. America was built for cars and planes, not trains. To an adult who grew up on trains, and religiously watched Thomas the Train, this was heartbreaking.                But I love my car. It’s my first car. And I’ll never have another first car. I’ve customized it. I’ve stuck pins in the upholstery, stickers on the sun visor, and hung keychains from the rearview mirror. I slapped a Maryland crab magnet on the back next to the holographic license plate frame I bought for it from Walmart. There’s French Toast Crunch pieces lodged under the backseat, and a dent in the driver’s side I got when a lady hit me on a side street in Rosslyn, Virginia. My prized collection of fast-food napkins and masks stuffed in the glove compartment, expired library books in the passenger storage pocket, and my Animal Crossing keychain dangling from the rearview (it’s Blathers). It’s one-of-a-kind, an extension of myself.                I can’t tell you how fast it goes, or how many miles are on it without starting it first. I’m not sure what kind of gas it takes, I just know it’s not diesel. It’s taught me a lot about the sanctity of life, and how important it is to be patient, and what people truly mean when they say, “DRIVE SAFE.”                Every day, I remind myself it is a privilege to drive, although it’s treated as a right. There are (not enough) consequences to unsafe driving and the road is a communal space. It is to be shared, not ruled.                Every day, I miss the freedom of the train and not having to worry about parking. Nowadays, I only drive three days a week. And that is more than enough for me.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

The Storm after the Rainbow (20.11.22)

Yeah, I re-read the last article I wrote and I was right. It was really the most hopeful one of all. I haven’t written one for so long now I don’t know where to start. 

There was nothing much going on for the second half of September. I started TebbyAnd with b Kon Toch. It was a nice start and I felt like I was doing something again. Then it was Pchum Ben. 

Then when October started, everything just went to hell. Surprise! The Short Film Camp I was so hopeful about, I failed miserably. I also failed another volunteer opportunity in Istanbul. It was a wake-up call and hit on my face to remind me that not everything is sunshine and roses. 

It didn’t help that I had to plan trips for my co-workers to BKK-PUKET. I had to buy plane tickets and I hate that anxiety so much. The discussion went on and on for days and it was so draining. I didn’t gain anything from it besides anxiety about being blamed if I made any mistake. 

Another thing was, the 2 post-projects I worked on with my YSEALI mates got approved. it was a suicide mission for me to implement 2 projects at the same time. It did go well though. 

The whole of October was hell for me. I literally had no social life. I spent every weekend trying to finish the YSEALI AFP application and the Chevening application. I was so confident with YSEALI and even 3 alumni also said they do not have many comments on my essays. Chevening Scholarship was so new to me though. I had to join session after session to understand it. It was like planting without knowing it’d ever turn into fruit. I think I didn’t do well with Chevening. 

The whole time before I went to Thailand in early November was hell for me. It was just anxiety creeping. Before the trip was a shooting project for web series for an insurance company. It was 2 whole days of anxiety creeping up and being blamed by the client. 

My Thailand trip was 9 days long and I planned it long before. I still didn’t fully enjoy it as I still had leftover work and didn’t get to finish it. I also had to leave the 2 YSEALI projects behind. 

I thought the escape could make me feel better, but it did not. I just lost interest in my work so much. It didn’t help that I was invited by the US Embassy to join a special event when I was in Thailand and I had to reject it. Then coming back, I actually failed my YSEALI AFP and didn’t get to the interview round. I feel so gaslighted. My entire self-worth crumbled. I really don’t know what to do next. 

I haven’t been doing mentally well since October. It’s like I’m not even allowed to be sad or they call me a loser. I had to pretend it doesn’t matter and move on although how much I care about anything. I don’t know how to keep up with the rest of this year. I’m so tired physically and mentally. I really need to book a therapy session.