#i did not want to present ‘femininely’ for a long time and still prefer not to

[honeygrahambitch]

Will had always had a difficult relationship with Hannibal's dinner parties. Too much small talk and too much snob talk. But marrying Hannibal came with Hannibal's need of being under the spotlight, so he had to go through these events once in a while.

Not only did Hannibal like to show off with his impeccable taste, impeccable cooking skills and party organization skills, but he also liked to show off his impeccable husband.

Will wondered if he actually preferred the "unstable FBI profiler who didn't kill all those guys" reputation instead of the "the trophy husband" reputation.

The present party was about to be slightly different than the others and that was because it was the first party Hannibal was organizing since Maeve was in their life. At least everyone's attention and admiration would be on her and not on him, Will thought and immediately felt bad about it.

Ironically, Maeve seemed to be a very sociable baby. She was happy as long as someone was giving her attention. Will looked at Hannibal and sigh. Definitely inherited that from someone. He was grateful their child didn't exhibit any anxious tendecies. They had tried their best to be good parents. Even so, she had never been surrounded by so many strangers. Will became very thoughtful.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Hannibal asked, noticing Will's lost stare.

"I am debating whether I can breath after you tied my tie."

Hannibal reached out to it and loosened it just a little. "You don't get to die before the party."

"I am not that lucky." Will whispered to himself. "Do you think Maeve will be okay?"

"She is changed, dressed and fed. She even napped two times today. I am absolutely sure she will be okay."

"You know how people get when they see babies. They will all want to hold her and stuff." Will said, visualizing the whole scenario. "Maybe she will get scared."

"And where are we in this scenario? We are not abandoning her in the crowd, mylimasis. I can assure you that if I see the slightest discomfort on her face, I am taking care of it."

Will nodded quietly. He needed a glass of champagne before the guests arrived.

+

Will watched from distance as Maeve got passed from one stranger to the other, all of them ecstatic. Hannibal's smug indicated they were all expressing in fancy words how adorable she was.

And Maeve giggled. She didn't mind any of those strangers. New faces, new voices. She was in her element.

Will picked another champagne glass from a tray.

"She will leave for college before you know it." A feminine voice said, making Will turn.

"Margot." He greeted her. "We hopefully still have enough time."

"It's so obvious you hate this."

"No, I just didn't have enough champagne yet." Will said admiring his fourth glass.

"I know how this feels. After Alana gave birth to our son, so many relatives invited themselves to meet our baby. The Verger heir. And while Alana is quite tolerant, I was so sick of it. You watch everyone hold your baby while you can't do anything about it."

"What matters is that she is okay." Will said, worrying that he might break the glass he was holding. He had to convince himself he was okay with it.

"She seems very entertained. Babies are lucky, they can throw a tantrum if they don't like something. But us as parents have to act all composed."

Will would have liked nothing more than to throw a tantrum.

"But Alana is not stupid, didn't she notice you were uncomfortable about all of that? Especially since your side of the family is not exactly very warm to you."

"If you are asking why Hannibal is not noticing your internal existential crisis, it's most likely because he is preoccupied with his own." Margot replied.

Will frowned. He and Hannibal had always had different ways to cope. Hannibal was a social butterfly with a huge attitude. Existential crises were controlled through reminding everyone of how superior he was. Will, on the other hand, allowed distress to infiltrate his thoughts, just enough to make his quiet. Was it possible that Hannibal was going through the same dilemma as he was? If he did, he certainly did not show it.

Their gazes met for two seconds. Will lifted an eyebrow. Hannibal let out a sigh in response. A confirmation. They both saw what the other felt. Will nodded from across the room.

"I guess." He replied to Margot. "I had no idea you were coming."

"We were not invited, I am just crashing your husband's party. Alana refused to. The caviar is exquisite." She said as she picked something from a tray.

Will smiled slightly and headed towards Hannibal and Maeve. The good news was, he didn't have to pretend. He was wearing a suit only literally.

"Someone is tired." Will said as he gestured to a blonde lady in her 40's to pass back his baby.

"Aw, but she is so cute. You will have her all to yourselves after the party."

A vein on Will's temple started to contour. Hannibal's hand found his. A sign of comfort. If reassurance.

"She is indeed tired after all the social interaction." Hannibal said. "Pass her to Will, Kate."

She did as she was told, a scowl on her face. Will was relieved to hold his baby again and he swore he would never give her to anyone.

"Are you okay?" Will asked his husband, whose mask slipped for only a second before he composed himself again.

"I am now that you are holding her. I didn't believe it would be so exhausting to see our baby in the hands of other people. She is ours." Hannibal said.

"Yes. Wait till your precious olfactory receptors detect that she smells like twenty different perfumes."

Hannibal let out another sigh and grabbed himself a glass of champagne.

"Was that Margot that you were talking to?"

"Possibly."

[bueckers2fudd]

fluff alphabet |clarisse la rue

author's note: Hi lovelies, please send me requests! I don't know what gave me the confidence to think I can write, probably delusion. Also, this is according to my personal views of Clarisse so don't be mad if it's different from what you've imagined. Leave a comment, I love interacting with people, xx.

warnings: I tried my best to keep it gender/race/cabin neutral for the most part but there are still some feminine coded things here and there. English is not my first language so excuse any grammar mistakes.

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Starting off strong because with Clarisse sparring is a must. Although she doesn't like to think there will ever come a time in which she won't be there to protect you, it's still an essential part of life as a half-blood. And who better to train you than the daughter of war herself? And in case the apprentice becomes the master and you happen to beat her or pin her to the ground or even hold your dagger to her neck? Oh boy, she's done for. Actual heart eyes.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

She pretty much loves everything about you, she can't really just choose one aspect. Though, if she had to, she'd probably say she loves you for being supportive, understanding, and patient with her. You understand her better than anyone. That's what made her know you were the one for her. You can control her anger issues and calm her down when she's on the verge of exploding and she thinks that's beautiful.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc?

The art of intimacy or comfort never came easy to Clarisse. Her relationship with her mother isn't the best and hasn't been for a while now and her father is a grade A asshole. Her first instinct when you're feeling down is to fix it, to ask you who or what happened and give them a physical piece of her mind, but that's not always how it works. She'll pull you to her lap and hold you through the night or for as long as you need, wiping your tears and kissing your cheeks. She'll let you vent your heart out. You can tell her anything. Or nothing, if you prefer. She's not the best with words but her actions speak much louder.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

She's never thought that much ahead if she's being honest. Never allowed herself to daydream too much into the future, choosing to live off the present for now. Sometimes, however, she pictures what could be only described as an utopia; to go on such a fantastical quest that the gods can't help but grant the both of you immortality, that way you'd bask in the glory of your love forever and ever.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

On the outside looking in it would seem Clarisse is the dominant one for sure. And in some ways she is; she likes that you can rely on her, she wants to provide for you, yearns to prove herself capable of such. Still, you're the one in charge. Clarisse is completely devoted to you, and your relationship means more to her than anything she's ever felt before. She cherishes it like no other, always at your beck and call.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Clarisse is intense, that much we know. Her anger runs deep and her passion burns red. She's not perfect, and doesn't try to hide it either. She's hot-tempered, arrogant, she's got a short fuse and she holds grudges. Her fatal flaw is pride, which sometimes gets in the way of her good senses, so you'll most likely be the one apologizing first. Despite all that, she can't bear the thought of you being mad at her and absolutely hates fighting with you. It's like it's tearing her apart, especially if you're sad over something she said or did in the heat of the moment. Truth is, she is a fighter at heart so when all is said and done she'll try and make it up to you in some way, somehow.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

She is so appreciative of everything you do and are. As previously stated, Clarisse didn't get much love growing up so any semblance of that is something she clings hard to. She notices everything, every little thing you do for her and the underlying of your words. How you treat her and others is always stored in the back of her mind and she loves to be loved by you.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Clarisse is a very closed off person in general, she doesn't like feeling exposed and being possibly seen as weak. She'll tell you things but there's still some matters you have to pick up on your own and know how to approach them, especially regarding her feelings and personal struggles. She's very honest though, she feels like she owns you that much and appreciates you if you do the same for her. The more your relationship progresses you'll notice being able to read her like an open book because although she does her very best to hide it there's an underlying vulnerability to her behavior in certain moments you'll take proper notice of the more you know her.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Clarisse has definitely become more gentle since you. It still doesn't extend to your friends and family but more so how she behaves around you and knowing she doesn't have to put up that though front all the time. Her sense of self worth has improved as well, especially when you reassure her through her insecurities and doubts (never being the son her father wanted etc.)

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Oh, boy. Clarisse’s jealousy is very fuelled by… Well, anything really. She doesn't necessarily need a motive to go toe to toe with someone, just staring at you for a second longer than she deems them worthy of and she's ready for a fight. It's hard for anyone to get close enough to flirt with you because she's always there, by your side, kind of like a guard dog. But only because she knows how amazing you are and her insecurities do blurry some lines on what's acceptable. She's working on it though.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Clarisse is definitely a good kisser. She doesn't have much experience, if any, but she's a natural. It sounds cheesy but the first time she kisses you was like butterflies and church bells dancing loudly in the wind. The way she cups your face so uncharacteristically soft and how she breaks off the kiss with a series of small pecks only to smile one of her beautiful smiles so close to each other's faces… Magical. It could be at the fireworks on the fourth of July or it could be in your favorite spot in the woods, soaked in lake water during a midnight swim or after a heated argument. No matter how many times Clarisse kisses you, she'll never not feel electricity similar to her spear’s sharp edge digging into her body and soul.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Clarisse does not have a clue what she's doing. I feel like she'd say something in the heat of the moment; either confessing her true feelings or masking them by saying something hurtful she doesn't actually mean. In the latter scenario she'd storm off and berate herself over it but her pride and fear that you'd never look at her again made her put off her apology for some time and let it all sink in to talk to you when she's ready. That is until you start properly ignoring her and she nearly goes crazy with longing, just missing your overall presence and having her stomach turn to knots at the way things were left between you two. That's one of the few times Clarisse sucks it up and reaches for you. The apology is awkward but overwhelmingly honest and she tells you she's an idiot but you're content in forgiving her and giving her a second (actual first) chance.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Again, Clarisse never thought she'd live to see the day she'd actually have a marriage prospect. Her life just doesn't seem complete without you anymore and the moment she realizes that she's done for. It would probably be while you're laying in bed together, your head on her chest while you play with her fingers. Your eyes are heavy with sleep but hers are wide open, thinking. “Will you marry me?” said while staring into the distance and you probably think she's joking except Clarisse is not one to joke about that sort of thing. “Not now. But eventually.” and whether you ask if she's serious or just accept it right away, she'd look at you seriously for a beat and then tackle you into a bear hug, crushing you underneath her. She doesn't see the point in a big wedding, but if that's what you're into, she won't mind.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

She is not immune to babe or baby but would still like to keep some variety. Things like sunshine, gorgeous, angel or others (I'm looking at you, person who created the “mama/s” HC). She does like your name very much, or probably a shortened version of it. Don't expect her to not tease you if any of these make you flustered.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Clarisse likes to think she's good at hiding it when she's absolutely not. As Taylor Swift once said, you can hear it in the silence. Just the way her eyes soften when she's looking at you speaks millions, but people also get whiplash at how fast her mean attitude changes whenever you're around. Her love giving languages are probably acts of service and physical touch. She loves to do things for you, feeling all big and mighty whenever she can make your life just a little easier. Touching is also a must but we'll get to that in a second.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Clarisse is not very comfortable with public displays of affection, because she is afraid of being judged or mocked by others for being weak or soft. She prefers to keep her relationship with you private and intimate, but doesn't mind the little things. She does gloat about being with you as well as showing you off, so that everyone on camp knows you're hers. She brags about you all the time and I mean, seriously, all the time. She's not a big hand holder but she almost over compensates by grabbing at your hips and thighs, throwing an arm over your shoulder or hiding her face in your neck. She especially loves bonfires when you sit on her lap and she can hold firmly onto your waist while she's talking to her siblings or just press her forehead against yours when her social battery is low.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

She's very perceptive. She may not know what has changed right away but she's also persistent so she'll figure it out in an instant. If it's the way you did your hair or something that happened along your day, even if you change your usual greeting. She notices and she'll definitely ask you about it.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Clarisse wants to be loved, that's all she’s ever wanted, and she has so much love to give, therefore I believe she'll do just about anything to make you happy. That includes being an absolute sap. She honestly doesn't mind how cliche it is, if it works on you, you bet she's using it. If anyone cares to say anything remotely negative about you or your relationship she will promptly glare them into oblivion or give them something to really worry about.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

She is your absolute biggest supporter. Especially if you don't believe in yourself, then she's trying even harder for you to see just how well you can do something if you put your mind to it. With something like sword training she is more than willing to help you, rewarding you with kisses and cursing you for distracting her with your pretty face.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Clarisse doesn't mind change, she rolls with it. If you have a certain way of doing things, a routine you like to follow, that's fine by her. If you're unpredictable, even better. She just loves to see what comes next in terms of your relationship, not necessarily needing anything to amplify her love for you. It's already hardwired into her.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

She knows you like the back of her hand. Even the slightest furrow of your eyebrows or tilt of your head and she'll be there in a second asking what's wrong. She does learn to be more empathetic towards your own struggles, which was hard at first because she wasn't sure how to see things from someone else's point of view. Though road but you make it work.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

She doesn't have much to look forward to so Clarisse values her relationship with you very highly, as you are one of the few people who can see past her tough and aggressive exterior and appreciate her softer and more vulnerable side. She is fiercely loyal and protective of you, and would do anything to keep you safe and happy.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

I actually read this one on a Wattpad story a while ago so credit to the original creator but, Clarisse has a teddy bear named Mr. Muscles she's had since she was like, nine and she cherishes it like it's her most prized possession. When she introduced this piece of information to you, you just found her so incredibly adorable you couldn't contain the giggles and she gets so hot in the face she pushes you off her bed and it's honestly one of the most memorable moments in your relationship.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

I headcanon Clarisse as your personal furnace as well as a koala bear so kisses and cuddles are a must, especially if it's cold outside. She loves to take naps with you, it gets to the point where she has trouble sleeping without you (so you give her a vial of your perfume to spray on Mr. Muscles for when you're away).

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Clarisse with you: 🥰

Clarisse without you: 😡

She gets snappier than usual and easily annoyed but she'll also get really sad because she's never had to deal with being away from you. Her siblings try to cheer her up by shoving some kid's head into the toilet but she's so disinterested in anything that does not involve you she just goes about her days training until she can see you again and show off her muscles.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

The answer is yes, one hundred percent. “Touch her and you die” trope goes so hard. Not only that but she would willingly sacrifice the world and herself for you and your relationship. She would go out of her way to make sure you are okay, that you are fed and hydrated and well rested, even messing up her own sleeping schedule in order to take better care of you.

[sunny-haven]

Oh my god, did Deltarune unlock a new headmate of mine???

Chapter 3 made me realize that the Dark Worlds were like... kinda the equivalent of imaginary friends/worlds (which was pretty obvious before but Ch3 hammered it in), and like. Something clicked for me, and I found myself really wanting to have my own Dark World, my own Ralsei. And I got really depressed as I got ready for bed.

And then as I was trying to sleep, a... an anthro dog, one of my old Undertale OCs, introduced himself to me in my head ("Hi, I'm Walter, but you can call me Wally!"). I said "new" headmate but according to him, he said he had been around for a very long time (ever since I dreamed up my OC named Sampson in kindergarten), and had played as various dog OCs for me. In chronological order (all dogs with floppy ears): Sampson (dreamed up), Walter I/Wally (Undertale OC), Walter IV (Undertale OC; I had a weird thing going with those two), Rex (Reigns-inspired feral OC that interacted with most of my OCs' worlds and was very 4th wall breaking), and uh... my own version of God/my consciousness who was a dog with a blue sweater.

But yeah, he introduced himself in my head, calmed me down (and he was gently tugging on my actual arm, which was covering my eyes because I was crying, which I let him so he could "wipe away" my tears), snuggled up against me in my bed and said he was going to be my Ralsei.

I've been aware for a while that this guy could've been a headmate and I was thinking of like... drawing him to try to bring him about in my head. For the past few years, whenever I've thought of someone comforting me in a way I've yearned but rarely get, I think of him holding me while I lie my head on his lap or something. But this just happened on its own, and I didn’t think it went all the way back to Sampson in kindergarten. I'm still not sure if this is actually a new headmate or if this is just my brain making up a scenario but his... presence in my head was about the same as Rayx's (i.e. pretty weak to where it feels like I'm playing as a character in my head). But then again, I'm literally comparing this guy to a headmate I do know I have, so.

I asked him what his actual name was and he said that he didn't know yet, and that since I wasn't good at naming things (considering what I originally named Rayx... yeah...), he would come up with one later.

I wanted to think more about this, let my mind wander, but he told me to just get my thoughts out here and put something on YouTube to help me get my mind off of this and sleep. So I'm doing that now.

This feels really weird to talk about 'cause I almost never talk about my old OCs. And also because I had been kinda wanting more headmates (or at least, have been wondering why more haven't popped up) ever since Rayx came about 6 years ago. Because the majority of other friends I have who are systems, when one headmate pops up, at least a couple more follow. I guess it's happening now??? Idk.

Oh and also, I use he/him for Wally (I'll just call him that for now) but he said he's fine with being feminine presenting, or trying out being female if that's what I want, since he knows that's what I prefer. And the first thing I thought of when he said that was him in a maid outfit haha, which was cute. Idk if I'm gonna do anything with that.

Right, it's 3:34 am. I'm going to sleep. Good night

[shoku-and-awe]

Complicated anxiety post!

I scheduled a fancy haircut thinking I’d be excited by the time it rolled around, and now the free cancellation window has closed but I’m still :|

I know I *need* a haircut. It’s gotten so long that I hate washing it (it clings all the way down my back and literally makes me whimper with grossness). So I wash it less often than I like, and not wanting to wash it makes me put off swimming and exercise and other things that make me feel good. It also gets super tangled and dry, and I have to braid it every night before bed, and if I wear it up/braided too often, it makes my scalp hurt. (Also, the braid falls on my dog when I pick him up and bothers him.)

I know a haircut is inevitable. Both sides are shaved and the ponytail keeps getting thinner and thinner. Also I have several inches of crunchy dead ends.

I want to keep the length because it looks cool to have shaved sides and just a big messy pile on top. (Also: sunk cost fallacy.) I also feel like it’s a compromise with Japanese beauty standards: I don’t really perform femininity, and societal pressure is so strong, and also having long hair like a pretty lady makes me less threatening as a scary foreigner; I don’t also need to look unfeminine or uncategorizable.

(The pressure here is really next level. People say “I’ve noticed you don’t wear makeup” in the tone I’d use for “I’ve noticed you don’t wear pants.” I once asked my Japanese ex why she did a full face of makeup just to run to 7-11, and she said, “It’s just basic manners.” It’s really hard to not conform! And I already don’t conform. (Should that make it easier? Sure! Does it? Fuck off with your logic—hair does not operate on logic!))

Making it harder is that my face is fatter than the last time I had short hair. (And older.) It probably won’t look good anymore! And even if it does, I don’t think I’ll be able to see it, and I will walk away shaken.

I could make a less dramatic change, but I’m not sure how viable that will actually be. Transitioning an undercut is complicated, and I’ve had hairstylists here respond to suggestions with “Yeah, that’s just not possible” (and Japan = rules do not bend). Also, pricewise, this is not a place I’d go for a trim; I went and called in the experts, and I’m not ready for them.

Also, time pressure. If I’m going back to bangs, I have to do it well before warm weather hits and we’re doing concrete jungle with 80% humidity. I’ve made that mistake before. You need a transition period. Emotionally, and to train your hair!

The one uncomplicated upside is that I have a cool silver stripe in my hair if it’s parted a certain way, so I can finally get my haircut that makes me Rogue! I’ve wanted that for years.

I plan to consult with the stylist, but I’m honestly no longer sure enough to know what to say. And I told him that it was a big haircut but I knew what I wanted!

要するに, it would be so much easier if this war was just society vs. my preferred expression/presentation. There’s other parties begging me to cut: exercise!!! hygiene!!!! scalp pain (grim!)!!! my little dog!!!

[reelovesfictionalmen]

Single Dad Simon Riley

A request for Single Dad Simon from @buzzyb33 I hope this is what you wanted, I kinda just went with what my monkey brain came up with.

SINGLE DAD SIMON

Single Dad Simon has twins. A boy who is docile, shy and hides behind Simon's legs around new people. His daughter is bold and boisterous. Sometimes he swears she almost bounces off of the walls. Their mother has been out of the picture since not long after they were born, she pays child support but has otherwise severed all parental support and interactions with the twins. The boy twin is named Theo and the girl is April. The names are the only two things their mother left them with.

Single Dad Simon used to hate her for abandoning their children but in time he accepted it as being the best. Forcing her to stay would likely have just hurt the kids more. Simon gave up his career in the military to take care of his kids and be a present father. He works as a plumber, a pretty good one at that. He makes enough money to provide for his kiddos and put money aside for emergencies and/or their futures. He wants to have enough money put away for them if they decide to go to university. Giving up his career was difficult but it had to be done, he was all they had and he wants to give them a childhood so much better than his own.

Single Dad Simon finds being a dad almost as stressful as being in the SAS and doing all that sort of thing. Raising the twins on his own through their infancy to toddlerhood was mentally and physically exhausting. There were nights when both of the twins were teething, would not go to sleep and just kept screaming where he felt like running away. But he never did of course, our Simon aint a quitter ESPECIALLY when it comes to his kids.

Single Dad Simon is still in contact with 141, they come to visit when on leave. Soap and Gaz like to spoil the twins. April LOVES uncle Soap. She calls him a "pretty princess". She also makes takes Gaz, Soap and Theo out into the garden where she likes to play construction work barbie, digging up the garden and making "roads" for her and her brothers cars. Theo, the sweet little boy really opens up around Price. Something about Price brings out his bolder side. He's always tackle hugging Price and asking lots of questions about the cool planes and other vehicles he's been in. Neither of the twins really believe that their father was big and tough like their uncles. Simon honestly prefers that they don't believe that he was a big bad military man, he tries to keep as much of his personal military career from them.

Single Dad Simon who frets when the twins first go to primary school and after school care. He doesn't like being away from them for such long periods of time, deep down he knows that they will be just fine and they will be safe but the other part of him frets terribly. What if they get bullied? What if they hurt themselves? What if they get mean teachers? After the first year he calms down considerably with his worries but there is a side of him that will never relax and be wary for danger.

Single Dad Simon who finds himself getting lonely as the kids settle into school life and his business does well. He finds himself wishing for romantic companionship and a feminine influence for his children. He worries that only having military men for family will stunt their mental growth. He promises himself to open himself up to the possibility of meeting someone new.

When Single Dad Simon does find someone he clicks with, he doesn't hide that he has kids and is a single parent. But he makes clear that it will take an extended period of time before he introduces them to her. He needs to be sure that he can trust her around them. If she already knows them through some outside of school place, like the bakery they always go to on Sunday or the Librarian at the library where the after school program is held, he will be less wary of having her in their private lives but will still TAKE HIS TIME.

Single Dad Simon is a good dad. He struggles with the stress and isolation sometimes but he has 141 as his brothers and maybe one day soon he might have a lady in his life who will welcome his kids and him with open arms into her own life.

[ftmancave]

Change is both real and metaphorical in David Harrison's 'FTM'

by Linnea Due

Francisco writer/performer David Harrison began taking notes for his 1994 play FTM nearly two years before he began his own transition from female to male. "I knew I was working on a play about gender," he told me in a recent interview, "but I didn't know what it would be." At the time, Harrison was touring his first play, Permission, about his experiences as a dominatrix. "That play also dealt with gender. I dressed up very femme, very femme top. I'd go to sessions with a garter belt, stockings, corset, the whole deal, and I'd think, 'These guys actually believe I'm a woman.' Part of me was outside thinking, 'This is so absurd, funny and ridiculous,"' Harrison, 38, preferred to keep that part at bay - for as long as he could. "I was so terrified," he recalls. "I have never been so terrified of anything in my life as I have been about dealing with my gender. This is something a lot of people misunderstand. It's not an intellectual change. I was kicking and screaming and fighting it. I did not want to be a man in this culture. But my psyche was pushing me in that direction." Memories began to surface, like when he asked his mother if he could have a sex change, or how traumatized he'd been when his body began to change, or how he'd learned to play women in acting school. "Even though I looked feminine, I couldn't link it up. I could carry it off because of how I looked, but inside it didn't match up for me." Toward the end of his Permission tour, Harrison had had around 75 dreams about becoming a man over a three month period. Some of these dreams have been distilled into three different sequences in FTM, which opens November 1st in the studio at Theater Rhino. "I started hormones in March of 1993, and really began putting the play together six months later. Most transsexuals want to forget when they're in the change. It's so painful emotionally, a dying and a being reborn. But to me it was such an amazing twilight space, not knowing the language of the new world, yet having to let go of the old." A one-man play, FTM focuses on two characters in two different time periods, Timothy and his mother Jean, who has breast cancer. Both have been swept up in life changes that demand courage and self-honesty. "Obviously the main character is based on me, but there's much that's been altered to make a better story. And some is based on my mother's experience, but only certain aspects. I've created the character as Scottish, while my mother is a Viennese Jew who escaped from Austria in 1938 and came to London." Performing the play is an important part of Harrison's own life journey. "If I want to be truly accepted for who I am, I have to present myself as who I am. If I present myself as a man, I'm still carrying around secrets. Part of who I am is my past. I knew long before I did the change that I would have to be public about it. It's such an opportunity to let people in."

[stygiansauce]

uh i think my wifi ate the ask i sent LMAO-

so basically, do you have any personal headcanons for our favorite sillies looks? like i know that a lot of fanartists draw tango with a lot of piercings (maybe one or two that match with imp and skizz) and sometimes people draw jimmy with a canary tattoo or a small one matching with the bad boys. sometimes etho has like brown roots showing cuz people headcanon him dyeing his hair white.

anywho CD anon is fine!!! or disk whichever you prefer!!

- 💿

Hi CD Anon!! (cd/disk/physical media) I'm always super happy when I wake up to a notifaction from you! Thank you for sending asks, they fuel my writing like CRAZY.

A lot of our guys look pretty average, I'm not one to add a lot ornimentation to characters. But I do have some headcannons for build, hair cuts, ect. I'll preface that I grabbed these pictures form Pintrest super fast, I do not own any of them.

I also am not spell checking this post (I am on a time crunch)

+

Tango is my biggest change from his cannon apperance. Obviously he can't have fire hair in a realistic modern au, lmao. But I went with a really bright golden blond that's common in Texas.

This nice guy from the internet has the right style and color for MOE Tango.

wow okay that photo loaded in massive. EITHER WAY. This kind of hair cut is really popular with the cowboys because its easy to shove under a hat. It rolls back from the face, and thats extra helpful because the wind is crazy when riding a horse, you want the hair to blow out of your eyes instead of into them. The downside? Its a tapered haircut so its does kind of look like a mullet when it grows out. I like that this photo also has curly hair because so does Tango.

As for Tango's build, I think I've only decribed him as "broad". Tango isn't as short in this AU as I've seen him presented in other fanworks. Jimmy is 6'0 and Tango is 5'10, without his boots on.

Ranch hand/cowboy is a very physical job. Tango didn't just live on the edge of a ranch, he worked on it from the moment he was able. He did the same kind of labor his father was doing. Riding horses, lifting calfs, lifting bale/muck/saddles, lassoing, makes a guy strong. I'm not gonna say he's ripped because he's not, but there is a lot of muscle there that doesn't go away easily. Now he's lifing machines and squatting under doo-hickeys for long periods of time, or holding a fule line in one spot for way too long. He's still got his strength.

THIS MEANS: Tango is built like a cowboy. Broad shoulders, wide thighs, wide hands. here are some photos I found that I like to imagine are photos of Tango.

Thanks Random guys on the internet! What nice photos.

JIMMY!!!!

He is not skinny, he is lean and very toned. Start with basic Jimmy here--he's tall (6'0) and has broad shoulders to match that height. He has long legs, to create height. His hands are thin but very wide. (I talk a lot about hands in chapter 4, hold out for that) "But sauce" I hear you asking, "how is he toned? does he hit the gym?" Why I'm so glad you asked! I cannot for the life of my find where to mention it in MOE but Jimmy plays volleyball. He doesn't do competetive anymore but he plays every week with some friends. THIS MEAANNNSSS strong toned legs, defined back, fantastic shoulder to waist ratio, great ass.

Here are some volleyball players to help visualize the kind of muscle he would build.

I know I tend to use traditionally feminine words to desribe Jimmy. This is because I find those words most effective when decribing fluffy scenes (Tango is pretty too. That will be a line in chapter four). But I think I also lean into those because Jimmy isn't built in a streotypically masculine way like Tango is. He has softer lines and better definition.

SKIZZ

I have an entire chapter that revolves around the lab (Chapter six I think?) It will have a lot more TIES interactions and decriptions of the lab boys/how they interact with eachother. Untill then though! Skizz in the only character I have Tatoos for! He has an angelic half sleeve that's not finished. It's currently a half that trails up past his elbow. becuase of the lab explosion (mentioned in chapter 3) he lost a lot of skin on this shoulder and bicep. He can't finish the peice because of the scar tissue.

it might look similar to this

He made the design himself based off classical art with biblical themes. The sketches for the upper half are on the cork board in the lab, right over his desk. Impulse is planning to get the second half for Skizz's birthday. Then they can be matching halves to one image. That's a secret though.

ETHOOOO

I have never once thought about if Etho dyes his hair or not. In this AU (as compared to my Scarian florist/professor au that has never left the hell doc) Etho wears the mask to cover up a scar instead of for medical reasons. He hasn't always worn the mask. Bdubs has known Etho pre-mask and was there when the accdient happened. Grian knew Etho pre-mask but not for very long and suggested fabric masks because it would be softed on the sensetive skin. Jimmy has never known Etho pre-mask. (this time line will make sense when I release chapter four)

I think he just has white hair. that soft grey-white that some people just naturally have. Maybe I'll play around with a premature grey kind of vibe, but I'll have to research it a little. This is an idea we'll return to. OKAY LAST BIT

It always circles back to Texas. In the opener to Chapter three, Tango metions Caliche dirt. (THIS IS A MYSTERY MOUSKATOOL) Caliche dirt is super common in West Texas, where there is a mix of desert, canyon, and shrubland. I sadly have no pictures of how beautiful the Bison ranches are out there. I do have some random grabs from the internet though, to paint an idea of what Tango's life looked like.

I think thats all I have right now!

Thanks for coming to my mega post tek talk, Thank the sun for tumblr line breaks.

Love you all dearly, Chapter four is chugging as fast as my little hands can type it (while trying to wrap up my degree). Thanks again for the ask CD Anon, it's always lovely hearing from you.

<3 Sauce

[anomalouscorvid]

for the pride ask game: 11 for elphinstone, 16, 18, and 21 (wildcard!)

(ask game)

ooo this one will be somewhat long ..

11 (Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?) - WELL... the thing is. elphinstone is fairly open about the fact that he considers himself both male and female at once. if bigender was a term back then, he'd be using it constantly. when somebody is persistent in degendering him or limiting him to just one, he Will complain

BUT he's basically only this open about it because of where he is in life. he feels like at this point any retaliation can be backed up. but before? in the early game? when he had no idea if he'd have to switch his face tomorrow or in a year? there was no way he would have been open about any of it. completely dependent on security

16 (Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?) - ALL THE TIME..... carrie used to be pansexual and transmasc (although that part changed so quickly that i don't think i ever mentioned it anywhere). characters sometimes just change in my mind!

18 (Do you prefer to give your ocs specific labels, or keep it unspecified? Why? If applicable, do you change their labels depending on circumstance?) - depends on the universe! usually i leave them unlabelled just to keep the options open. as victorians, my fl characters don't get labels, but i do know what most of them would identify as in a modern context (and sometimes it might conflict with what i'd label them as!)

21 (Free ramble card) - i've been considering how elphinstone is perceived... there's lots of spaces where he is viewed how he wants to be (albeit in an 'in-between' sense rather than 'two genders at once'), but that doesn't mean everyone sees him that way

for example, even with his feminine presentation, in artistic spaces he manages to more or less occupy the... social space????? of a gay man. or an 'effeminate' one. a dandy, perhaps. seen as feminine mainly in a masculine way

which isn't in the sense that he's targeted by outright queerphobia, but there's still sometimes that feeling of like.. "yes, we'll accept the masculine side of you (but mostly as this Other group that we don't always see as successfully being men)"

...don't actually know where i'm going with this (or how to word it), it's just something i keep thinking about. hmm

[natasha-in-space]

Can I request you RFA and Saeran ( minus Jaehee) with a male MC. The boys are just shocked they are attracted to someone same gender as them. Does Jumin Han is gay? Jumin would confirm that this is true. Male MC is literally so adorable and cute, kind and compassionate, also has some feminine trait

I do want to preface this by pointing out that this is very headcanon-territory overall! I don't think I talked much on this blog about my personal headcanons for MM gang's sexualities so far. Not directly, anyway. That is to say, they will love you regardless of your gender! All MC's are loved and cherished by the RFA, don't forget that <3

Yoosung

Now, Yoosung definitely had crushes before, but they never really went anywhere. By the time he meets you, he probably has little or no real-life experience with romantic relationships. I don't think he is very well versed in his own sexual or romantic preference... at all. He was simply too focused on studying for the majority of his school years, and once Rika has passed, the yearnings for a romantic relationships were just another form of his deep longing for human connection. So, it goes without saying that a male MC wouldn't have much impact. These feelings are still new and undiscovered for him, whether you are male, female, trans, nonbinary, etc. By the time he realizes that he is falling for you, your gender is the last thing on his mind. The thing that will come up is coming out to his family. This post focuses solely on exploring that aspect for Yoosung!

Zen

So, Zen canonically has quite a bit of relationship experience under his belt. He is aware of his likings and dislikes. I do headcanon him as questioning his sexuality, but still presenting himself as straight. A part of him just never really felt that inner push to try and pursue anything with a man. Not fully. But he definitely considers it sometimes, and he finds himself feeling attracted to non-female presenting individuals. He's kind of confused in that sense, often writing it off on him finding someone aesthetically attractive is all. I have a feeling that there were some men approaching him romantically or sexually, though. He works in a creative field, and creative spaces are often, if not always, full of queer people. So, for him, it'll be more of a confirmation than anything else. He finds you attractive, both inside and out, and that's a feeling he recognizes well enough. He'll be way more awkward with flirting, though. He knows how to charm a lady, but he's clueless if he should do anything specific for a man. You'll have to give him a push there.

Jumin

Jumin is not that interested in learning about his romantic or sexual preferences. Although he appears somewhat clueless, he really just... doesn't care much. In a way, he always knew that he is capable of attraction to more than one gender, he just never had a word for it, nor did he care enough to learn. I personally headcanon him on the ace spectrum, so that plays into his indifference towards his love life. Of course, that's not to overlook the role his unfortunate upbringing played in shaping his views on romantic relationships. He would definitely be way more involved if his family didn't raise him the way they did. (But we're not touching that huge can of worms right now) I don't think he will care much about labels, not until you or someone else brings it up to him. He just knows that he loves you, and that's that. He doesn't understand nor appreciate anyone questioning him or meddling into his personal affairs. His family included. So, I don't think he will be all that shocked, nor will he struggle. Most of his intimacy issues stem from his upbringing, not much else.

Saeyoung

It's pretty much a common knowledge that Saeyoung is very blatantly not straight. He doesn't try very hard to conceal it, nor does he care to. I actually view him as the most flirty one of the group, so he has his fair share of fleeting flirty connections with many people of all gender identities. None of it was anything meaningful nor serious, though. He's the sort of guy who flirts with everyone in the room, but will quickly fumble and leave if someone reciprocates his advances. Saeyoung's issue is not so much about his sexuality as it is about his unique situation regarding his job and identity.

Saeran

Saeran... doesn't know much, if anything, about sexuality. His knowledge is very limited to what little he reads in books and Rika's words. In other words, I don't believe Rika would instruct him that feeling something for another man is wrong or incorrect. I think it's pretty clear that she is not the type of person to do that or believe in that. (That's not mentioning that she is very not straight herself but I digress) I do think Ray would talk about it with her, though. Although she trusted him to select a tester on his own, I'm certain that she still overlooked some aspects of the process. And we do know that Rika doesn't really mind his attraction towards you. It's only when that attraction grows into something more substantial that challenges his loyalty to her does it become an issue in her eyes. That is to say, Ray wouldn't care if you are a man. He finds you as lovely as can be. Just be prepared to be called a prince. And Ray will probably want to be your knight. He can't think of a role more fitting than one that will make him serve you and protect you like you deserve.

[sciderman]

When i transitioned i had to give up my versatile singing voice and all my skirts and heels. I miss them all equally even though i dont regret a single thing about transitioning. I haven't worn a dress in five years but that doesn't mean i don't want to. My four-inch-heeled blue sequined boots still fit me and sometimes i wear them around the house even if i'm too shy to be gnc in public.

These feelings stopped me from transitioning for a long time and they didn't change when i finally did. I hope that resonates with you

bless you anon! i'm really glad that it's something you don't regret, and i'm glad you're living closer to the you that you want to be - but i also hope you can conquer any fears you have and present to the world the way you want to be seen. i think life's too short to make compromises!

me, i don't think i could go all the way - i think there's a lot about myself i just - i don't want to change. (i'll be honest, the biggest thing i'm scared about with T is what goes on between your legs. i'm terrified of that. i know it's different for everyone, but that makes it even scarier. i'm so familiar with what's down there. i don't want to wake up one morning and it's different. the horrors of one puberty was enough for me. i'm still recovering from my first puberty. i don't want to go through it again. not again. oh dear god.)

i think that's another part of why i thought "oh, i must not be a boy. because i don't want to transition. i have top dysphoria, and Dear God I'd love Top Surgery, but i like what i have between my legs. i like my voice. i like being soft. i like my girlish hobbies. if i like being feminine so much, how does it make sense to claim i'm a boy?" and i think that's a silly line of thinking i had. and i only realised how silly that sounded when other people said it to me. someone said they were worried about identifying as non-binary because they're very pink and very femme. i said - the whole point of non-binary is that it's something you define. pink and femme have nothing to do with it. it's a label you don't have to qualify for! you don't have to qualify to be trans. i know a lot of people trick you into thinking that but - it's just not true. whatever shape you are, whatever preferences you have, whatever you're comfortable wearing, whatever you're comfortable proclaiming - it's on your terms. nobody can tell you what you're meant to feel or how you want to be seen. that's you. you have to define yourself, i guess. nobody else should be able to do that on your behalf!

so i'm a boy, i guess. right now. i'm allowed to be. i declare it so! i'm allowed to be a boy. even in my pink sneakers and my little love-heart chains and all my girlish ways.

[chocoblep]

23. …in relief.

For the kiss writing please! Dealer's choice >:3

((Welp, I rolled Qorin, so here you go, @upatreewithoutaharness! This one got to about 2,600 words, sorry!))

Qorin hadn’t exactly been excited about the prospect of going on an island getaway. As far as vacations went, it was as good a chance to get away as any, but getting there was another issue entirely. And as much as he wanted to connect with people, as much as he wanted to live vicariously through them, and watch them grow and smile and enjoy themselves, he wasn’t looking forward to this trip, for one simple reason.

It involved riding on a boat.

Really, it was a shame, because he loved the water. He loved diving into its depths and making a little air bubble around his head so he could breathe and see all of the colorful sea life around him. The ocean, much like the vastness of a night sky with all of its stars, reminded him that there was so much more to life than his problems. That he was small in the grand design of life, and that soon enough his soul would move on from the vessel of flesh that felt so oppressive, like a room that he’d outgrown but still remained trapped within.

If only one could simply discard their body for a new, more comfortable one, he mused as he counted potions and noted which ones he needed to purchase more of on the back of a label that he’d torn off of an empty bottle of cleaning solution. I might be taller, or maybe handsome. I wouldn’t be built so strangely that I have to wonder if anyone will ever want me the way that I am. I wouldn’t be considering hiking up a solitary mountain every time my friends fall in love and get married, or pine after people I definitely stand no chance of wooing. Best not to think about that, really; the real boon would be that maybe my new body wouldn’t get seasick. He sighed as he finished and realized he was lower than he’d thought on a lot of the things he typically stocked. As he grabbed up his gil purse and left to make the trip to his preferred alchemist in Red Rooster Stead, he gave his owl companion a sharp whistle and a couple clicks of his tongue in a command to stay home—she was not required to come with him, he would be back soon. He would much rather be alone with his thoughts, anyway, with the mood that he was in.

It didn’t take him long to get to where he was going, though on the way he debated with himself whether he should just send along his friend Kismet in his stead, under the pretense that he wanted him to meet these people who were so nice, and also get a good look at the island. But he thought substituting himself for another person who was essentially a stranger to them wasn’t the best thing to do, especially with no communication about it beforehand. Did he call off, then, and say simply that he wasn’t feeling up to the trip? He didn’t want to disappoint anyone, though he had the sinking feeling that no one would really be too put out by him not being there. He couldn’t drag a party down that he wasn’t present for, after all! It didn’t change the fact that he wanted to go, wanted to spend time with people and stop being so lonely. These weekend brunches had been a lifeline for him lately, bolstering his spirit more than he’d originally cared to admit.

It's not the people or the place, or even the time that’s the problem, he reminded himself, trudging up a hill toward one of the stalls lining the path that wound around the central building in this town. It’s the Gods-damned boat ride.

“Oh, hi, Qorin!” The voice that had his head popping up had a familiar feminine lilt, and he stopped walking immediately, realizing he’d almost passed the stall he’d wanted to visit. Its occupant, a cute Midlander woman with mousy brown hair and more freckles than he could ever count, gave him a wave and a wide, sunny smile.  She was sitting in the shade of her little stall, knitting what looked to be a shawl or a small blanket. “You gonna pay me a visit, darlin’?”

He smiled slightly, turning to step up to her counter and lean against it with his hand pressed flat to the wood. “Cecily! As a matter of fact, you’re the very woman I am here to see,” he said, sliding the label out of a pocket to lay it on the counter. “I’ve got a bigger order for you than usual.”

“Ohh, been busy, I see!” she replied, setting her project aside to stand up and lean over the counter. As her hazel eyes skimmed the contents of his order, she tapped a finger against the wood surface near his hand. “You must be saving a lot of lives, lately.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” he answered with a shrug. “Mostly common ailments and injuries. I did keep a man from bleeding out in the snow out in Coerthas not terribly long ago, but that was really the only life I’ve saved recently.”

“I’ll never forget you savin’ mine,” she said, turning her gaze up to his face with a sweet smile.

“I just bought potions from you,” he protested.

“When nobody else would! Saved my bacon, and I’ll never forget how generous you were back then!”

He gave a little huff of a laugh, shaking his head. “Honestly…”

“Let me get all of these for you. Luckily for you, I just finished a big batch of the regulars and I’ve got all of the highs and elixirs in stock.” She turned to begin putting together his order, and his mind drifted back to his dilemma.

Call off going to the island, or go and get sick? He’d be miserable foir a good chunk of time after disembarking. Not to mention he still felt strange about exposing so much of himself to swim in front of other people. It was strange, how covering himself helped to curb the longing that someone would look at him and like what they saw. He couldn’t be disappointed, after all, that someone didn’t ogle him shirtless if he never took off his shirt. The logic was sound.

“You look a little preoccupied, sweetheart. Got somethin’ on your mind?”

He looked up, startled that she’d finished getting everything together so fast. She’d arranged it all in his potions bag already, the new bottles and their contents sparkling in the afternoon sunlight.

“Oh,” he said, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. “Debating whether I want to go on a trip with some friends. It’s to an island, and I get seasick, and I don’t know if I want to subject myself to that.”

Cecily blinked at Qorin for a few seconds, like he’d been speaking in a foreign language, and for a moment he furrowed his brow and tried to remember if he’d just slipped into speaking Xaelan at her. But then she turned away from him, digging through a small basket of assorted vials and trinkets.

“Is that all? Don’t call your trip off because of that; I have something that’ll probably help that!”

“With all due respect, I have tried every remedy and preventative measure that I know of, and several that I didn’t until old sailors saw fit to have me try them, and nothing’s worked,” he said plainly, trying to head her off in her futile hunt as he counted out coin and settled it on the counter.

“Nah, none of those old fish tales worked for me, either,” she said, and then straightened with a small parcel in her hands. Coming around the counter, she held the little wrapped piece out for him. “I bought a good number of these because I thought they were single-use, but they’re not! This is the only thing that’s kept my lunch in my belly where it belongs when I have to take a ship across the gap. Maybe it’ll work for you, too!”

He looked at the small linen-wrapped box that Cecily held out for him, and then took it in hand and unwrapped the piece of linen that held the box shut. When he angled the lid open, he found a simple bracelet nestled inside, made of gray-green beads he’d never seen before.

“A piece of jewelry is going to help with my seasickness?” he asked, his brows knitting in bewilderment.

“I know it seems a little crazy, but these are cloud pearls! They come from the Ruby Sea, and they’re not common, so they can get a little costly when made into a bracelet like this,” she explained. “And the way they were described to me is that they do something to your equilibrium to make you feel steadier on your feet, so the rocking doesn’t bother you so much. The residents of those bubble cities down there at the bottom of the sea use it so that they can keep their heads when they get swept up in currents. I don’t know how to explain exactly what they do, but they work for me. Here, let me close up shop for a bit and we can test it out, yeah? If it works for you, you can have it, free of charge.”

“Are you sure?” Qorin asked, still eyeing the bracelet dubiously. Someone had once tried to give him one made of magnetic rocks, claiming that they did something to the metals in the body to steady unsettled muscles, but that hadn’t worked, either.

“Yeah! Pendle’s got a little skiff nearby, we can use that. You wouldn’t mind, eh, Pendle, if we stand on your boat to test somethin’ out?” She’d raised her voice to call across the path at another merchant, who gave her a wave of his hand and a shrug.

“Long’s ya don’t take it!” he said.

“Great, thanks!” she called, and soon enough the pair were picking their way down the hill toward the sea.

“I will be honest, I’m not entirely optimistic about this,” he said, as they came up on a long pier that had several boats anchored along its length. Little fishing boats and single merchant transports that were convenient only because of Limsa Lominsa’s close proximity.

“I wasn’t either. I’d given up on ever riding a damn boat in peace,” she said, and then pointed to one of the larger skiffs. “Okay, that’s the one. I want you to put the bracelet on and then we’ll step up on deck and have a conversation.”

Obediently, he took the bracelet out of the box and slid it onto his wrist. It was a little too big for him, so Cecily leaned over and twisted it a few times until there was an extra little loop of beads sticking out like a tag so it didn’t fall off. He didn’t feel any different as they traversed the dock, which made him think of the magnet bracelet. When they reached the boat, he hesitated, a sinking feeling of dread weighing down his stomach. If he survived this without vomiting, it would be a miracle.

“Well? Onto the boat you go,” she said, motioning for him to go. She flashed her own wrist at him, a similar bracelet adorning it. “I’m comin’, too.”

He took a deep breath, gathering his courage… and then carefully stepped onto the boat’s deck.

At first, he thought that this must just have been an exceptionally well-balanced vessel, because it didn’t pitch immediately as they both stepped onto it. He knew it rocked a little, based on what he saw of the waves lapping at its hull, and how it moved against the steadiness of the pier, but he couldn’t feel the rocking at all. He felt just as steady and oriented as he had moments ago on the dock.

Give it time, the nausea will come.

As Cecily began catching Qorin up on all the things he’d missed around the Stead, he listened and nodded, offering tidbits of more recent happenings in his life. A few minutes passed with no ill effects, and when Cecily seemed to realize this, she grinned… and then started jumping up and down on the deck, causing the small vessel to bob in the water. Gentle at first, with the repeated movements and momentum it became the sort of boat ride he’d always dreaded having. He cursed at her and went to grab onto something for balance, but at the last second realized that he didn’t need to. He felt entirely in control, entirely balanced, and the swooping in his stomach was no longer the nauseating kind, but the exciting sort that he got when riding his chocobo and leaping over rocks and trenches.

He whooped and hollered, laughing as he rode out the waves and then turned his attention back to Cecily as she stilled and the boat slowly rocked back to some semblance of calm.

“It works!” He exclaimed, his voice pitched with disbelief.

“I told ya!” she crowed, and he couldn’t help himself in the excitement that followed—he crossed the few steps between them, grabbed her by the cheeks, and planted an elated kiss to her pretty pink lips.

“Thank you,” he breathed, butting his forehead against hers for a moment before he blinked back to the moment and promptly let her go, his face beginning to burn as warmth flooded it. “Oh, gods, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean—”

“No, no, I get it!” she chattered, the excitement lighting up her face. “I felt that way, too, my first time! But my wife might wanna have a word with ya for deflowerin’ her maiden!” A cackle followed that, and she made her way for the dock, hopping up onto it and then holding out a hand for him.

“Oh, please,” Qorin groaned with a roll of his eyes, grabbing her hand and hoisting himself back up onto the deck. “You say that as if I’m the first person you’ve ever kissed, and here you are, married with children of your own.”

“First man,” she corrected, and he stopped as they reached the edge of the pier.

“Wait, really?” He stared at Cecily again, and she just turned and planted a hand on her hip.

“Sure! I don’t like men like that,” she said, and then gave Qorin a little smirk and a sultry look from under her lashes. “You’re fine, though. I won’t hold it against ya. Adria’ll probably laugh when I tell her.”

“How very generous of you,” he commented flatly, and then asked, “How is Adria, anyway? Still having that problem with her ankle? And how are the boys?”

“Oh, everyone’s fine. That ankle problem’s been pretty persistent, though; she’s been complainin’ that no matter what she does, it’s stiff and sore.”

“Well, I could always swing by and take a look at it if she’d like. Sometimes those soft tissue injuries stiffen up over time, and she may just need someone to help release what’s stuck.”

“Oh, that’s mighty kind of ya, Lover Boy,” Cecily teased, throwing an arm around his neck as they started for the Stead again. “I’ll ask ‘er, and pearl ya if she’s open to it. Maybe we could do dinner sometime.”

“Don’t call me that,” he groaned, and she cackled again.

“Not a chance that's going away. But at least now ya can go on yer boat ride, and go enjoy yerself!”

“You’re right, I can.”

As they reached the gate to the town, they said their goodbyes and Qorin started for home with his steps a little lighter despite the added weight of his purchase in the potions bag slung over his shoulder. He still had the matter of his own feelings of inferiority to figure out, but at least he could travel a little easier.

[testosterone-log]

day 109

- happy pride bitches!!! No one asked for this but imma use this pot to put up EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY QUEER LABELS LETS FUCKING GO!

- Lets start with the obvious: TransMasculine (just in case the entire blog didnt clue you in) ive known I didnt like skirts and dresses since i was told to wear them, and for a while i thought i might be bigender (and that ones still kinda up for grabs? Idk) so i came out as that to my family and thats honestly another story lol. Ive been a binary transmasc for about two 1/2 years now and on T for almost 6 months!

- Biromantic. And by Bi, i mean that ive liked women all my life and ive never really cared for what genitals you had or how you present, but ive only ever been really attracted to one person who was masc-presenting (my current NB he/they partner). I went by Lesbian for the longest time and then hopped on Straight when i started my transmasc journey, then i met my partner and realized the thing ive been attracted to all this time was their emotional maturity. AKA im not into idiots unfortunately. I say Bi and not Pan bc i do have a limit on what i like. I dont just fall for anyone, im specifically attracted to emotionally mature people (also boobies)

- Pansexual. (NOT PANROMANTIC!) i use this label bc while i do have preferences for romance, sex is another story. Id basically fuck anybody who understands consent, and my sexual attraction has nothing to do with my romantic attraction. I dont care what genitals you got as long as they can give us a good time

- Demiromantic. Probably in relation to the emotional maturity thing, i dont experience love at first sight. I cant do blind dates or even normal dates, i have to be your friend first and know you as you are without labels before i want to kiss you. That being said, you might fall first, but im definitely gonna fall harder.

aaand thats all!!! Some honorary mentions tho (aka labels i thought i had that i dont currently use)

- lesbian. Cant be a lesbian if youre a man kissing another man!

- demisexual. I dont get attracted to porn or hentai or visuals in general tbh. Sure my own body is a turn off but thats a gender thing, and i cannot stop staring at my partner's perfect ass but thats because i just like to look at it the same way i like to look at his greenish-hazelish eyes or the scalp of his dyed hair. That being said i get HELLA turned on by certain audio stuff

- pansexual. I was ten and starting to like girls (and forcing myself to try to like guys) and i thought that meant i was into everyone. Alas, i was not

- bigender. Honestly this one is still kinda up for debate. I started using it as my first trans label bc i didnt think i experienced gender dysphoria (i did i just also have autism and didnt detect it) but i did experience masculine gender euphoria. I tried to use the label and the he/she pronouns, but pretty much everyone just ended up using she or they. I got so sick of it that i decided to fuck off with the feminine thing altogether. I never liked traditional feminine things anyway like pink or skirts or makeup or effort. Ive been killing the concept of being a woman at all just so people stopped using they/them on me. Maybe someday down the line, once i pass as a he/him, i'll miss being a girl and i'll grow my hair out and shave my legs. But for now i honestly cant handle anything but masculinity.

Anyway thats all! If yall ask for it i can make a timeline post for when i used which labels. I can also do neurodivergency/diagnoses or other label journeys if that sounds fun for yall. Anyway happy pride!

[xeythestoryteller]

Day 2.

Dr. Seyer Puff.

"You watch the falling stars making a wish, while I watch them die."

Dr. Seyer Puff is a real mystery among the staff of Site-97, of course, it is no secret that she has lived for too many centuries, perhaps even before the very existence of mankind. A senior research fellow who prefers silence and ancient manuscripts to company and noise.

The fact that Dr. Puff was the result of a union between an ancient god and a dragon played a role... She was an outcast from the very beginning. Puff did not produce the results that Solaris and Eclipse wanted.

One could write at length about her long journey to the present day. More about that later...

But despite her withdrawn, cold behavior, even she has some kind of friends or even family.

Dr. Karolis Spitzwerg. Two lonely souls, so different, she is older than the world, and he is a brilliant young programmer. However, they have a lot to talk about and truly consider each other friends. (Puff also gave Karolis a little friend - an aquarium fish)

Dr. Jas Koenig. Despite Jas' loud and brazen behavior, Puff finds herself in a state where she wants to take care of this explosive engineer and mechanic. In a way, Jas has become a daughter to her, but she will never admit it out loud...

Pearl (or SCP-8003). The small fluffy fawn, in an egg, falling onto Site-97 from the night sky was a huge phenomenon for everyone. At first, everyone was afraid that something terrible and horrible would hatch from the egg... But in the end, a blue-furred fawn hatched. Puff couldn't understand at first, but the fact that Pearl was also a descendant of the ancients, she decided that the baby needed guidance. Or so Puff finds an excuse for her maternal sense of duty to Pearl.

Narrator. Before, they were just in a strictly businesslike, cold relationship, but when Pearl came into their lives... Puff and Mr. Boleyn began to compete more for custody of the fawn. (Or this is how I add comedy) While they still have a respectful relationship at work, they are bitter rivals when it comes to Pearl.

What inspired me to create such a character?

Well, this character originally appeared back in 2022-2023, at first she was more... Male. Puff was originally intended to be a man, but over time I began to reconsider my ideas and decided this: The Ancients are sexless, but still they exhibit a LITTLE amount of distinctive features (feminine, masculine). And so Puff is sexless, but looks quite feminine, and therefore uses She/Her pronouns for convenience.

Well, secondly... I love the night sky. That's probably why I created a character that was essentially made out of stars and the stuff of the night sky. The creation of Puff itself is quite... Tragic. She was created from stars, so that later her own creators (parents) considered her the dimmest star and decided to forget about her...

Oh, yes, I forgot to add something about Mr. Boleyn (Narrator).

At first, I came up with him as a terrible and vile character, a typical charismatic manipulator. And in history, I confess, I planned to kill him, it was 2023. But then, after reviewing my ideas AGAIN, I decided... That Diablo deserves more than just being a flat villain. That's probably why I linked him to Pearl out of curiosity, to show that even in his rotten heart there is something soft. Well, Diablo has a grown son, Ronald, with whom he has a bad relationship, I'll tell you a secret, but he regrets the lost time with his son. That's probably why I made Diablo Pearl's father again, it seemed... Cute to me. And more interesting. Like, your boss is the most serious and manipulative, but even he can’t do anything to his little child, only fulfilling his daughter’s every whim.

Okay, I've talked too much for now, write your opinions, ideas, maybe headcanons, feel free to experiment, you can do whatever you want with these characters. Why? Because I'm crazy :]

Just kidding. I just love sharing creativity. Have fun!

[And only now I remembered that I can change the size and font of the text...]

[sweet-little-iris]

UPDATE: Out of the closet, but not transitioning.

So I could not bear to leave my kids. They are the life I chose, and it would be terrible if I did. My wife would not accept me transitioning, but she has been very supportive otherwise, and cares a lot for my mental health.

Now that she knows, she understands more why I am the way I am with things like clothes. Why I get defensive and angry when she thinks I picked a girly color, or when she comments on my longer nails or shaved arms. So now she understands and has no problems with those things. I can wear my androgynous bracelets and necklaces, shave everything, and even keep myself tucked, and not worry about her noticing.

She agrees that I should explore my clothing options, but asks that I keep it to the men's sections, even if it is more feminine styles. This isn't her being selfish, it's about us getting along and caring for the kids. It was a much longer conversation than this and it makes sense to me.

She understands that I can't always be the strong one, and that many masculine responsibilities are very difficult for me, mentally. That I need to get emotional, too, and that I need lots of hugs and cuddles all the time, which she gives. I told her even when I look like I don't want it, especially then, I need it! I told her I like to be the little spoon and when she grabs me and pulls me close like that. I even told her I prefer being submissive during sex, the 'problem' is so does she...

So honestly, while I'm choosing to not be free to take hormones or dress like I'd want even at home, I feel more free and at peace. I don't have to hide it all now. I even saw a bracelet I liked and asked her what she thought. It was pretty girly, but kind of borderline. My point is that I talked to her about it, and that was amazing!

I'm still insanely jealous of pretty girls wearing pretty clothes, but I'll have to deal with that. At least I can tell her why I was looking at that girl with the cute shoes.

I still have my secret online activities, like this, and my go bag of clothes for when I'm traveling for work (I love that dress so much!), but it feels so good to be present with her again, and to be honest and not fear ridicule and judgement for everything like I did.

I would not be happy leaving my kids. I'd be constantly fighting depression and covering it with clothes and hormones and who knows what else to keep me going. But I think I can be happy like this for the long term.

I share this in case it helps anyone else. We are on a spectrum with different manifestations and the triggers that got us here. Being trans isn't necessarily an on or off switch for everyone. For me it is likely both a label for my feminine traits, and a self reinforcing mindset I ended up in due to bullying, curiosity and exploration, depression, failure, inadequacy, etc. Trans or not, some of those things need to be dealt with to be a healthier me. That depression has nearly ended me a few times. I think I have the support I need now. I hope you do too.

[capricious-stars]

Ohhh since this is an option~

If Boss' partner were to try to set up a sexy/romantic thing for him to come home to, what would he like most? (Eg. Come home to a spa treatment with said partner joining him in the bath. A trail of rose petals to the bedroom.)

Is Boss more of a one partner kind of man, or does he enjoy having a little collection of his own? and when it comes to more... active time, does he prefer one on one, or does he like all of his choices at once (if he goes for more than one)?

Does he have a preference when he's flying solo? Is he always a man's man, so to say? or does he let out his feminine side?

Was his first time special beyond being that, or was it just that first time then move on?

I thiiink this is long enough for a readmore?  Idk.  Browser mobile is hard </3

•If Boss' partner were to try to set up a sexy/romantic thing for him [...]

oooh good question.  Hm.  Music and strong smells annoy him, so neither of those, but subtler smells, like maybe a perfume/cologne they know he likes being present?  He would honestly love spa treatment type stuff, a chance to unwind and be together, the lights in the bathroom dimmed down, just the two of them.  That, or finding them in his bed, lights low, wearing nothing but his collar, oh that would certainly do things to him.

He’s not big into cheesy shows like flowers or candles or lingerie, but if his partner is, it just makes him fond really.  I think depending on desire result, he just wants the opportunity to worship his partners body and be with them.  Although coming home to a clean and tidy apartment more than anything is the best place to start haha

•Is Boss more of a one partner kind of man [...]

So, generally I'm inclined to say he’s much more monogamous leaning.  It'd be difficult enough for one person to get to meaning that much to him, let alone...any more than that lol, and he’s also a bit possessive, so it'd be unlikely for his partner to be the catalyst behind another partner entering the picture.

But.  That being said, it wouldn't be impossible.  Though he still likely wouldn't be one to have too many partners.  That's simply too many liabilities, too many weaknesses, too many people to protect and risk the stability of the family over.  But possibly two, certainly no more than three... 

And if it did ever come to that, he would absolutely prefer to have all of them the majority of the time.  One on one would be important sometimes, just to really solidify their individual connection, a sort of sexy check in, if you will.  But generally he'd much rather have both partners present, just...because. <3

•Does he have a preference when he's flying solo? [...]

So.  The thing is – I'm gunna make this sad real quick – he has really significant trauma regarding his "feminine side".  Not exactly sexual in nature, but he absolutely abhors anything "infiltrating" his magic.  Even having an IV is very stressful for him, even if it was super medically necessary.  So definitely just "masculine" on that front, even alone. :(

•Was his first time special beyond being that, or was it just that first time then move on?

Absolutely just a hook up that meant nothing.  He literally just did it to find out and then was like "huh. Overrated" and moved on.  He learned what he needed to, and it wasn't bad or anything, but apart from being a good way to blow off steam and help him get his magic regulated, he doesn't really actually have much in the ways of libido in a typical sense!  At least not until romantically invested, and then he’s- well.  A very attentive partner, I'll put it that way lol

[freezerbnuuy]

Act 3:1 - Five Years Later (Page 3)

LORE | CHARACTERS | ABOUT / CHAPTERS / WARNINGS

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The Cunningwoman's Premonition

Though not so much nowadays, Kat's divination cards are usually a popular service, as Kat's insight into the cards is uncanny for most of her customers. Trouble is, sometimes she can feel the same way when she's doing them for her own curiosity.

Even Nia let out a concerned hoot at the spread Kat got…She hadn't any particular question in mind, but clearly the mysterious forces of the universe were trying to make her aware of something. Something dark was on the horizon…but what could it be?

For a moment, Kat wondered if maybe it could be Annorin coming back for her…or maybe that she and that monstrous vampire Oskar Nivelheim would cross paths again. Ellie tries to console her and tell her that sometimes even the universe can misguide people, but Kat knows just how untrue that is.

Oskar and Eli

Business is going great for both Oskar and Eli, and Eli has never been happier now he's finished his apprenticeship and can finally start living his own life...whatever life you can get when you work most hours of the day. What a mood.

Oskar has spent a lot of time fighting off witchfinders, but now he has a steady guilt-free supply of blood he's been a lot calmer and hasn't had to deal with the 'counting bats' situation as often. He's confident that no witchfinder could ever stop him, so it's not anything he worries about. He's not spoken at all to Katlego since their clash, but of course is still incredibly close with Violeta. Their distance didn't last very long.

Oskar is now much more public about his more feminine presentations. Many of the less-stuck-up townsfolk of Finchwick found it interesting, even Shepherd Julian and Father Morgan. In both Peteran and Jacoban history, it was considered a special blessing by the Watcher to be gender-nonconforming (though nobles like to pretend this was made-up history), and there were plenty of gender-nonconforming priests many years ago, and especially Eyes of Jacob. 

In the eyes of a Peteran or Jacoban, such a person has insight and knowledge 'beyond any man or woman', as quoted from the Jacoban book; their shared experiences across and beyond the binary was thought to bring a unique perspective sought out by men and women alike. Oskar didn't fancy being some kind of religious oracle, however, and avoided Shepherd Julian wherever possible before he could question him endlessly on the meaning of life.

He and Dinah are still close. Dinah's feelings for Oskar only grew over that time, though he found himself closely bonded to her also, just not in the same fashion that she was to him. She'd come to understand his ways, as he had done with her. Oskar had always felt a bit alienated for not feeling romantic or sexual feelings for others, but of course, Oskar often beat himself up over this, but Dinah insisted there was no issue. They were both comfortable with the way the other did or didn't feel about the other. What mattered was the closeness of their bond. 

She hasn't gotten around to it yet, but Dinah loves that Oskar embraces both his masculine and feminine sides, and she wants to take him out somewhere to buy him a nice dress and do his make-up for him. He eventually got used to doing it himself without a reflection, though he still prefers letting Violeta do it.

Considering the money he and Eli are making these days, he donates a share to his daughter, Áine, which she also shares with Róisín, who is now eight years old.

He doesn't get time to visit them often considering he's usually busy with work, but he still treasures them both and sends letters and gifts in the post. He also donates a share to the Peteran monastery to aid Father Morgan's charitable work.

They managed to revamp the house and make it a little more fitting for a vampire. Oskar has Eli's woodwork hung proudly above his bed now he's bothered to actually make himself a bedroom instead of sleeping on the sofa.

They expanded their workshop, and everyone in Henford is amazed at Eli's talent, though he gives most of this credit to Oskar for what he taught him. Though there is a pile of mess on that table...Hey, even the best make mistakes.