#i did not want to present ‘femininely’ for a long time and still prefer not to

[ellapurnellmybeloved]

fluff alphabet |clarisse la rue

author's note: Hi lovelies, please send me requests! I don't know what gave me the confidence to think I can write, probably delusion. Also, this is according to my personal views of Clarisse so don't be mad if it's different from what you've imagined. Leave a comment, I love interacting with people, xx.

warnings: I tried my best to keep it gender/race/cabin neutral for the most part but there are still some feminine coded things here and there. English is not my first language so excuse any grammar mistakes.

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Starting off strong because with Clarisse sparring is a must. Although she doesn't like to think there will ever come a time in which she won't be there to protect you, it's still an essential part of life as a half-blood. And who better to train you than the daughter of war herself? And in case the apprentice becomes the master and you happen to beat her or pin her to the ground or even hold your dagger to her neck? Oh boy, she's done for. Actual heart eyes.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

She pretty much loves everything about you, she can't really just choose one aspect. Though, if she had to, she'd probably say she loves you for being supportive, understanding, and patient with her. You understand her better than anyone. That's what made her know you were the one for her. You can control her anger issues and calm her down when she's on the verge of exploding and she thinks that's beautiful.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc?

The art of intimacy or comfort never came easy to Clarisse. Her relationship with her mother isn't the best and hasn't been for a while now and her father is a grade A asshole. Her first instinct when you're feeling down is to fix it, to ask you who or what happened and give them a physical piece of her mind, but that's not always how it works. She'll pull you to her lap and hold you through the night or for as long as you need, wiping your tears and kissing your cheeks. She'll let you vent your heart out. You can tell her anything. Or nothing, if you prefer. She's not the best with words but her actions speak much louder.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

She's never thought that much ahead if she's being honest. Never allowed herself to daydream too much into the future, choosing to live off the present for now. Sometimes, however, she pictures what could be only described as an utopia; to go on such a fantastical quest that the gods can't help but grant the both of you immortality, that way you'd bask in the glory of your love forever and ever.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

On the outside looking in it would seem Clarisse is the dominant one for sure. And in some ways she is; she likes that you can rely on her, she wants to provide for you, yearns to prove herself capable of such. Still, you're the one in charge. Clarisse is completely devoted to you, and your relationship means more to her than anything she's ever felt before. She cherishes it like no other, always at your beck and call.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Clarisse is intense, that much we know. Her anger runs deep and her passion burns red. She's not perfect, and doesn't try to hide it either. She's hot-tempered, arrogant, she's got a short fuse and she holds grudges. Her fatal flaw is pride, which sometimes gets in the way of her good senses, so you'll most likely be the one apologizing first. Despite all that, she can't bear the thought of you being mad at her and absolutely hates fighting with you. It's like it's tearing her apart, especially if you're sad over something she said or did in the heat of the moment. Truth is, she is a fighter at heart so when all is said and done she'll try and make it up to you in some way, somehow.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

She is so appreciative of everything you do and are. As previously stated, Clarisse didn't get much love growing up so any semblance of that is something she clings hard to. She notices everything, every little thing you do for her and the underlying of your words. How you treat her and others is always stored in the back of her mind and she loves to be loved by you.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Clarisse is a very closed off person in general, she doesn't like feeling exposed and being possibly seen as weak. She'll tell you things but there's still some matters you have to pick up on your own and know how to approach them, especially regarding her feelings and personal struggles. She's very honest though, she feels like she owns you that much and appreciates you if you do the same for her. The more your relationship progresses you'll notice being able to read her like an open book because although she does her very best to hide it there's an underlying vulnerability to her behavior in certain moments you'll take proper notice of the more you know her.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Clarisse has definitely become more gentle since you. It still doesn't extend to your friends and family but more so how she behaves around you and knowing she doesn't have to put up that though front all the time. Her sense of self worth has improved as well, especially when you reassure her through her insecurities and doubts (never being the son her father wanted etc.)

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Oh, boy. Clarisse’s jealousy is very fuelled by… Well, anything really. She doesn't necessarily need a motive to go toe to toe with someone, just staring at you for a second longer than she deems them worthy of and she's ready for a fight. It's hard for anyone to get close enough to flirt with you because she's always there, by your side, kind of like a guard dog. But only because she knows how amazing you are and her insecurities do blurry some lines on what's acceptable. She's working on it though.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Clarisse is definitely a good kisser. She doesn't have much experience, if any, but she's a natural. It sounds cheesy but the first time she kisses you was like butterflies and church bells dancing loudly in the wind. The way she cups your face so uncharacteristically soft and how she breaks off the kiss with a series of small pecks only to smile one of her beautiful smiles so close to each other's faces… Magical. It could be at the fireworks on the fourth of July or it could be in your favorite spot in the woods, soaked in lake water during a midnight swim or after a heated argument. No matter how many times Clarisse kisses you, she'll never not feel electricity similar to her spear’s sharp edge digging into her body and soul.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Clarisse does not have a clue what she's doing. I feel like she'd say something in the heat of the moment; either confessing her true feelings or masking them by saying something hurtful she doesn't actually mean. In the latter scenario she'd storm off and berate herself over it but her pride and fear that you'd never look at her again made her put off her apology for some time and let it all sink in to talk to you when she's ready. That is until you start properly ignoring her and she nearly goes crazy with longing, just missing your overall presence and having her stomach turn to knots at the way things were left between you two. That's one of the few times Clarisse sucks it up and reaches for you. The apology is awkward but overwhelmingly honest and she tells you she's an idiot but you're content in forgiving her and giving her a second (actual first) chance.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Again, Clarisse never thought she'd live to see the day she'd actually have a marriage prospect. Her life just doesn't seem complete without you anymore and the moment she realizes that she's done for. It would probably be while you're laying in bed together, your head on her chest while you play with her fingers. Your eyes are heavy with sleep but hers are wide open, thinking. “Will you marry me?” said while staring into the distance and you probably think she's joking except Clarisse is not one to joke about that sort of thing. “Not now. But eventually.” and whether you ask if she's serious or just accept it right away, she'd look at you seriously for a beat and then tackle you into a bear hug, crushing you underneath her. She doesn't see the point in a big wedding, but if that's what you're into, she won't mind.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

She is not immune to babe or baby but would still like to keep some variety. Things like sunshine, gorgeous, angel or others (I'm looking at you, person who created the “mama/s” HC). She does like your name very much, or probably a shortened version of it. Don't expect her to not tease you if any of these make you flustered.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Clarisse likes to think she's good at hiding it when she's absolutely not. As Taylor Swift once said, you can hear it in the silence. Just the way her eyes soften when she's looking at you speaks millions, but people also get whiplash at how fast her mean attitude changes whenever you're around. Her love giving languages are probably acts of service and physical touch. She loves to do things for you, feeling all big and mighty whenever she can make your life just a little easier. Touching is also a must but we'll get to that in a second.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Clarisse is not very comfortable with public displays of affection, because she is afraid of being judged or mocked by others for being weak or soft. She prefers to keep her relationship with you private and intimate, but doesn't mind the little things. She does gloat about being with you as well as showing you off, so that everyone on camp knows you're hers. She brags about you all the time and I mean, seriously, all the time. She's not a big hand holder but she almost over compensates by grabbing at your hips and thighs, throwing an arm over your shoulder or hiding her face in your neck. She especially loves bonfires when you sit on her lap and she can hold firmly onto your waist while she's talking to her siblings or just press her forehead against yours when her social battery is low.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

She's very perceptive. She may not know what has changed right away but she's also persistent so she'll figure it out in an instant. If it's the way you did your hair or something that happened along your day, even if you change your usual greeting. She notices and she'll definitely ask you about it.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Clarisse wants to be loved, that's all she’s ever wanted, and she has so much love to give, therefore I believe she'll do just about anything to make you happy. That includes being an absolute sap. She honestly doesn't mind how cliche it is, if it works on you, you bet she's using it. If anyone cares to say anything remotely negative about you or your relationship she will promptly glare them into oblivion or give them something to really worry about.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

She is your absolute biggest supporter. Especially if you don't believe in yourself, then she's trying even harder for you to see just how well you can do something if you put your mind to it. With something like sword training she is more than willing to help you, rewarding you with kisses and cursing you for distracting her with your pretty face.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Clarisse doesn't mind change, she rolls with it. If you have a certain way of doing things, a routine you like to follow, that's fine by her. If you're unpredictable, even better. She just loves to see what comes next in terms of your relationship, not necessarily needing anything to amplify her love for you. It's already hardwired into her.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

She knows you like the back of her hand. Even the slightest furrow of your eyebrows or tilt of your head and she'll be there in a second asking what's wrong. She does learn to be more empathetic towards your own struggles, which was hard at first because she wasn't sure how to see things from someone else's point of view. Though road but you make it work.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

She doesn't have much to look forward to so Clarisse values her relationship with you very highly, as you are one of the few people who can see past her tough and aggressive exterior and appreciate her softer and more vulnerable side. She is fiercely loyal and protective of you, and would do anything to keep you safe and happy.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

I actually read this one on a Wattpad story a while ago so credit to the original creator but, Clarisse has a teddy bear named Mr. Muscles she's had since she was like, nine and she cherishes it like it's her most prized possession. When she introduced this piece of information to you, you just found her so incredibly adorable you couldn't contain the giggles and she gets so hot in the face she pushes you off her bed and it's honestly one of the most memorable moments in your relationship.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

I headcanon Clarisse as your personal furnace as well as a koala bear so kisses and cuddles are a must, especially if it's cold outside. She loves to take naps with you, it gets to the point where she has trouble sleeping without you (so you give her a vial of your perfume to spray on Mr. Muscles for when you're away).

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Clarisse with you: 🥰

Clarisse without you: 😡

She gets snappier than usual and easily annoyed but she'll also get really sad because she's never had to deal with being away from you. Her siblings try to cheer her up by shoving some kid's head into the toilet but she's so disinterested in anything that does not involve you she just goes about her days training until she can see you again and show off her muscles.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

The answer is yes, one hundred percent. “Touch her and you die” trope goes so hard. Not only that but she would willingly sacrifice the world and herself for you and your relationship. She would go out of her way to make sure you are okay, that you are fed and hydrated and well rested, even messing up her own sleeping schedule in order to take better care of you.

[shoku-and-awe]

Complicated anxiety post!

I scheduled a fancy haircut thinking I’d be excited by the time it rolled around, and now the free cancellation window has closed but I’m still :|

I know I *need* a haircut. It’s gotten so long that I hate washing it (it clings all the way down my back and literally makes me whimper with grossness). So I wash it less often than I like, and not wanting to wash it makes me put off swimming and exercise and other things that make me feel good. It also gets super tangled and dry, and I have to braid it every night before bed, and if I wear it up/braided too often, it makes my scalp hurt. (Also, the braid falls on my dog when I pick him up and bothers him.)

I know a haircut is inevitable. Both sides are shaved and the ponytail keeps getting thinner and thinner. Also I have several inches of crunchy dead ends.

I want to keep the length because it looks cool to have shaved sides and just a big messy pile on top. (Also: sunk cost fallacy.) I also feel like it’s a compromise with Japanese beauty standards: I don’t really perform femininity, and societal pressure is so strong, and also having long hair like a pretty lady makes me less threatening as a scary foreigner; I don’t also need to look unfeminine or uncategorizable.

(The pressure here is really next level. People say “I’ve noticed you don’t wear makeup” in the tone I’d use for “I’ve noticed you don’t wear pants.” I once asked my Japanese ex why she did a full face of makeup just to run to 7-11, and she said, “It’s just basic manners.” It’s really hard to not conform! And I already don’t conform. (Should that make it easier? Sure! Does it? Fuck off with your logic—hair does not operate on logic!))

Making it harder is that my face is fatter than the last time I had short hair. (And older.) It probably won’t look good anymore! And even if it does, I don’t think I’ll be able to see it, and I will walk away shaken.

I could make a less dramatic change, but I’m not sure how viable that will actually be. Transitioning an undercut is complicated, and I’ve had hairstylists here respond to suggestions with “Yeah, that’s just not possible” (and Japan = rules do not bend). Also, pricewise, this is not a place I’d go for a trim; I went and called in the experts, and I’m not ready for them.

Also, time pressure. If I’m going back to bangs, I have to do it well before warm weather hits and we’re doing concrete jungle with 80% humidity. I’ve made that mistake before. You need a transition period. Emotionally, and to train your hair!

The one uncomplicated upside is that I have a cool silver stripe in my hair if it’s parted a certain way, so I can finally get my haircut that makes me Rogue! I’ve wanted that for years.

I plan to consult with the stylist, but I’m honestly no longer sure enough to know what to say. And I told him that it was a big haircut but I knew what I wanted!

要するに, it would be so much easier if this war was just society vs. my preferred expression/presentation. There’s other parties begging me to cut: exercise!!! hygiene!!!! scalp pain (grim!)!!! my little dog!!!

[reelovesfictionalmen]

Single Dad Simon Riley

A request for Single Dad Simon from @buzzyb33 I hope this is what you wanted, I kinda just went with what my monkey brain came up with.

SINGLE DAD SIMON

Single Dad Simon has twins. A boy who is docile, shy and hides behind Simon's legs around new people. His daughter is bold and boisterous. Sometimes he swears she almost bounces off of the walls. Their mother has been out of the picture since not long after they were born, she pays child support but has otherwise severed all parental support and interactions with the twins. The boy twin is named Theo and the girl is April. The names are the only two things their mother left them with.

Single Dad Simon used to hate her for abandoning their children but in time he accepted it as being the best. Forcing her to stay would likely have just hurt the kids more. Simon gave up his career in the military to take care of his kids and be a present father. He works as a plumber, a pretty good one at that. He makes enough money to provide for his kiddos and put money aside for emergencies and/or their futures. He wants to have enough money put away for them if they decide to go to university. Giving up his career was difficult but it had to be done, he was all they had and he wants to give them a childhood so much better than his own.

Single Dad Simon finds being a dad almost as stressful as being in the SAS and doing all that sort of thing. Raising the twins on his own through their infancy to toddlerhood was mentally and physically exhausting. There were nights when both of the twins were teething, would not go to sleep and just kept screaming where he felt like running away. But he never did of course, our Simon aint a quitter ESPECIALLY when it comes to his kids.

Single Dad Simon is still in contact with 141, they come to visit when on leave. Soap and Gaz like to spoil the twins. April LOVES uncle Soap. She calls him a "pretty princess". She also makes takes Gaz, Soap and Theo out into the garden where she likes to play construction work barbie, digging up the garden and making "roads" for her and her brothers cars. Theo, the sweet little boy really opens up around Price. Something about Price brings out his bolder side. He's always tackle hugging Price and asking lots of questions about the cool planes and other vehicles he's been in. Neither of the twins really believe that their father was big and tough like their uncles. Simon honestly prefers that they don't believe that he was a big bad military man, he tries to keep as much of his personal military career from them.

Single Dad Simon who frets when the twins first go to primary school and after school care. He doesn't like being away from them for such long periods of time, deep down he knows that they will be just fine and they will be safe but the other part of him frets terribly. What if they get bullied? What if they hurt themselves? What if they get mean teachers? After the first year he calms down considerably with his worries but there is a side of him that will never relax and be wary for danger.

Single Dad Simon who finds himself getting lonely as the kids settle into school life and his business does well. He finds himself wishing for romantic companionship and a feminine influence for his children. He worries that only having military men for family will stunt their mental growth. He promises himself to open himself up to the possibility of meeting someone new.

When Single Dad Simon does find someone he clicks with, he doesn't hide that he has kids and is a single parent. But he makes clear that it will take an extended period of time before he introduces them to her. He needs to be sure that he can trust her around them. If she already knows them through some outside of school place, like the bakery they always go to on Sunday or the Librarian at the library where the after school program is held, he will be less wary of having her in their private lives but will still TAKE HIS TIME.

Single Dad Simon is a good dad. He struggles with the stress and isolation sometimes but he has 141 as his brothers and maybe one day soon he might have a lady in his life who will welcome his kids and him with open arms into her own life.

[gabessquishytum]

Hello love! I’ve been having thoughts of Dream and Hob exploring their sexualities in… potentially unhealthy ways. I don’t think I’ll ever write it, so I’m tossing my scattered thoughts your way in the hopes you’ll be inspired, or perhaps someone else will be ;)

I was listening to “One of Your Girls” by Troye Sivan and was smacked in the head with the concept of young Dream going to a club and meeting Hob– who’s a very straight man, for the first time.

Hob is very much Dream’s type: warm and soft, an easy smile, strong yet kind,  but something devious in his eyes. Especially with the way he’s been eyeing Dream from across the room. Dream saunters over to him and turns on the charm. He’s openly flirting, lightly touching Hob’s arm, complimenting how handsome he is, all to Hob laughing and blushing and acting almost… shy? Finally Hob, while not outright pushing Dream away, reveals to him that he’s flattered, but not interested in men.

Undeterred, Dream hums casually, taking a long swallow from his drink (making sure Hob watches), and leans fully into his space to speak sweetly in his ear.

“Are you sure?”

And when Hob turns his head to meet Dream’s gaze dead on, they are close enough to feel one another’s breath on their lips. Close enough that Dream can taste Hob’s anxiety mingled with excitement as his lips part and his eyes flick down briefly to Dream’s mouth and back.

Dream’s eyes flutter shut as Hob’s hand cups the side of his face, fingers soft under his jawline, and slowly leans in for a kiss that is so soft, so god damn careful, it nearly makes Dream shake.

Because, underneath his cool and confident facade, Dream is insecure. He’s young and is desperate to be loved. Hob isn’t the first straight man he’s fooled around with. Dream has always told men, and himself, that it was okay. That his body could be a safe space for them to explore their curiosities… even if it did leave him feeling strangely empty afterwards. The thrill of being the reason a straight man was questioning himself wore off pretty fast when they didn’t stay the night, didn’t call him back, or even indulge in a kiss.

But the first thing Hob does is kiss him. Slow, gentle, with his hands holding Dream’s face like he’s something precious and it shatters something in Dream. He almost whimpers as Hob pulls back, thumbs caressing his sharp cheekbones.

It was just a chaste thing, lips only, but Dream instantly wants more. 

“Did you like that?” Dream asks, already dying to go back for more.

But Hob pauses, seeming to really consider it.

“I’m not sure. That was my first time kissing a man.”

So from here… we could go two directions:

Hob has his bi-awakening. Dream shows him everything he’s been missing. It’s sweet and they fall in love afterwards.

Or, my personal preference, angst.

Hob continues to be unsure. Dream and him spend more time together, but it’s more as friends. Dream lays off trying to get him into his bed, but it’s still very obvious he’s into him. Like, really obvious (lots of staring, “casual” touches, more experimental kissing that as they indulge in more and more, Hob breaks away with a loud gasp or frustrated sound because he’ll get his hands on Dream and feel his flat chest, the stubble on his face, or Dream’s low growl and shake his head “This isn’t working…”).

And finally Dream kind of breaks down and is like, “I could be a girl for you.” and dresses up in drag. He makes a very convincing woman and it’s almost embarrassing how into it Hob is, finally getting a proper erection the moment Dream walks into the room, high heels, makeup, wig, tucked and wearing fake breasts. He sucks Hob off before blindfolding him while Dream crawls up his lap and impales himself on Hob’s cock.

It gets messy from there. Dream developing feelings and Hob feeling even more confused about his sexuality than before. It’s like Dream, his friend, is a completely different person than the Dream that presents himself as feminine. 

Maybe Hob grew up conservative and he’s still fighting back old repressed morals/values. Maybe he has internalized homophobia. 

As you can see, my mind is everywhere. Not sure where to take it, and I don’t think I have the confidence to properly tackle this brainworm. So. here ya go *upends box all over the place and runs away*

First of all hello my love!! So great to see you here!!! And second of all, one of your girls is such a banger. I just have share my favourite line with you all: You should insure that waist / With the highest policy you can get

Iconic.

Anyway, this ask hurt my feelings so much but I LOVE IT. Repressed queer Hob is so interesting to me because it feels quite close to canon? As a character Hob is quite conservative/goes with the times. I think he's right about himself, he does have to make a big effort to change! Which is not a bad thing! But can be painful, I guess.

It definitely makes everything more complicated because Dream seems to be two different people. He's still Hob’s friend, his buddy, someone he trusts and respects. But he's also... someone else. A pretty thing in drag who knows exactly how Hob likes to be sucked off and who Hob fantasies about when he jerks off. It's not really Dream he's thinking of, but it kind of is? Those are Dream’s thighs wrapped around his waist, those are Dream’s lips, his tongue, his pert little arse.

Hob feels like a horrible person and like he should stop the whole thing, but every time he tries, Dream pouts his pink glossy lips and slides his freshly shaved thigh between Hob’s legs to rub against his cock. And Hob thinks well, one more time won't hurt. And the cycle continues.

Dream feels utterly destroyed by the fact that he just isn't enough for Hob. Because Hob is so nice to him! He never laughs at Dream, he's a proper friend to him, and a good lover too. It would be such a perfect relationship. But Hob never gets hard when they're curled up on the couch together in the daytime. They still try kissing sometimes, but Hob sometimes pulls away with his look on his face that just cuts Dream to his core.

So he keeps dressing up. Being Hob’s pretty little girl isn’t so bad. Hob is worth it. He's nothing like the other straight men who've tossed Dream away after one night of curiosity. And he really, genuinely isn't! He loves Dream, its just that the love is weighed down by all the stuff inside Hob’s head that tells him that he can't. He can't be gay. Not even for Dream. He can't open that door because he's fucking terrified of what's behind it.

I'm a sucker for an eventual resolution so I propose this: Hob finally does the right thing and breaks off the pseudo-relationship with Dream. He requests time apart and Dream is devastated, but resigned. Hob will move on and find himself a proper woman, he supposes. But Hob does not! He goes to therapy!

It's nearly a year until Hob shows up at Dream’s place. He apologies for everything that happened before - he was old enough to know better. Being fucked up by other people isn't an excuse to do fucked up shit. And he would like a chance to try again with Dream, but he doesn't expect or feel entitled to anything. It's not up to Dream to fix him.

Dream tries to take time to think it over, but the answer was always going to be yes. He's done some growing up in the last year, and he knows what he deserves: a loving, dedicated and respectful partner. He knows that Hob can be all of that. No more pretending and hiding. They're going to make it work.

[ughmyreality]

maybe a fic of clay seeing bloberta cry and he gest sort of amused/surprised by it and gets curious about how this is the most emotion he's ever seen from her and eventually try to comfort her (very badly and awkwardly)

Hey, so I usually have something to say before I reveal the story but I actually don't have too much to say. I will say I did take a bit to write this so I hope you can understand. Anyway, I present "What's the Use of Crying?".

Bloberta isn't a crying type of person. It's one of the few redeeming qualities he sees in her. While some may find her nature to be cold, it was exactly what Clay prefers, someone like him.

…

Fine! He is a crier but does that really matter? The point is, Bloberta is the one that never cries, She rarely cracks a frown. But, there's a time for everything.

Clay walks the familiar path to his bedroom. It's a typical day, one filled with arguing and chaos. 

“Good night, Orel.” a feminine voice calls out. 

Clay stalls and waits for her to leave the room and step out into the hallway. When she does, the result isn’t what he was ready to see.

Their eyes meet and for the first time in a long time it was neither resentment or apathy, instead her eyes glaze over in sadness. 

Seeing him must have startled her because just as soon as they faced each other, she was gone. He doesn’t understand why she bothers to do this, there are only so many places you can hide in the house. It’s not like Bloberta was the most creative person either so naturally there is only one place that she would think to go.

Clay places a hand on the door handle and takes a steady breath. He knows he’s not very good at comforting people but he’s long since accepted that. Besides, it was often more trouble than what it's worth. If it had still been daylight he would have resorted to going out, finding something to ‘busy’ himself with. Unfortunately it was well into the night and entering their bedroom was the only option. He refuses to sleep on the couch one more night! Can’t she see that it’s hard on his back?

He finally gains the motivation to open the door. There sitting on her side of the room, as he expected, was Bloberta. Her tears had yet to cease, in fact she looked more distraught then she had just moments before.

“Hi.”

… there was no reply. What a great start!

“Um, how are you doing?”

Clay runs his hand through his hair in exasperation. Out of all the times Bloberta wants to shut her mouth, it was the time he actually wanted her to speak.

“Do I need to take Orel into my study?”

For the first time since he entered, Bloberta speaks. Her hands rub against her eyes and she turns to look up at him.

“Why do you always assume that Orel’s done something wrong?”

“Well, did he?” 

She sighs while a few stray tears continue to fall. “No Clay.”

“That’s good.”

She struggles to keep her resolve but fails. Bloberta throws her hand up and speaks her mind. 

“I can't believe I let you take Orel to that hunting trip! You know the doctors sa-”

“You didn't ‘let me’ do anything. I took him on that trip because he needed to go.”

She laughs, making her look as crazy as he always thought she was. Tears mixed with hysterical laughter. 

“I knew you were going to be like this Clay. That’s why I don’t even try talking to you.”

“Fine, if that’s how you want to be. Good night!” he huffs.

This might seem like he’s angry but behind his angry mask, he’s relieved. There is only so long he can handle talking about ‘emotions’ before he starts to genuinely think. It’s one of the reasons he drinks to stop the insistent thinking. He starts to move to his side of the divider when he’s stopped by her voice.

“Do you ever think about what's going to happen when Orel grows up? We're hardly holding on as it is.”

“Orel's going to be fine. I just try not to think about it.” He whispers.

Clay keeps moving hoping she’d drop the conversation. What’s the point of thinking of the future anyway? The present is shitty enough as it is.

“At least we'll have a few more years with Shapey and Block… but of course they’ll eventually leave too.”

“Ha! At this rate Shapey and Block will never grow up enough to leave the house. God works in mysterious ways.”

“Ugh, Clay there's no need to rub it in. We haven't done a good job raising the boys and now they'll suffer for it! Sometimes I think my Mother was right.”

“Right about what?

“All the… negative things she’d say about me. Maybe I truly wasn’t cut out to be a Mom.”

Clay lays down in his bed and stares up at the ceiling. He feels calmer. Not under the scrutiny of her gaze.

“Well, I’m sure she was. Finally someone in your family who has some sense. You know Mother knows best.”

“Why would you say that to me Clay? Whatever, good night. Remember you have a early meeting tomor-”

What can he say?

What can he say?

What can he say?

What can he say?

“Well, um, you know you’re technically a mother now yourself. So by that logic, you're correct. Reverse psychology? Besides mother’s don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I had an excellent Mom and I still turned out fucked up. There’s still a chance that you could be the worst mother in the world and still have kids that turn out good.”

“Um… Thank you?”

[natasha-in-space]

Can I request you RFA and Saeran ( minus Jaehee) with a male MC. The boys are just shocked they are attracted to someone same gender as them. Does Jumin Han is gay? Jumin would confirm that this is true. Male MC is literally so adorable and cute, kind and compassionate, also has some feminine trait

I do want to preface this by pointing out that this is very headcanon-territory overall! I don't think I talked much on this blog about my personal headcanons for MM gang's sexualities so far. Not directly, anyway. That is to say, they will love you regardless of your gender! All MC's are loved and cherished by the RFA, don't forget that <3

Yoosung

Now, Yoosung definitely had crushes before, but they never really went anywhere. By the time he meets you, he probably has little or no real-life experience with romantic relationships. I don't think he is very well versed in his own sexual or romantic preference... at all. He was simply too focused on studying for the majority of his school years, and once Rika has passed, the yearnings for a romantic relationships were just another form of his deep longing for human connection. So, it goes without saying that a male MC wouldn't have much impact. These feelings are still new and undiscovered for him, whether you are male, female, trans, nonbinary, etc. By the time he realizes that he is falling for you, your gender is the last thing on his mind. The thing that will come up is coming out to his family. This post focuses solely on exploring that aspect for Yoosung!

Zen

So, Zen canonically has quite a bit of relationship experience under his belt. He is aware of his likings and dislikes. I do headcanon him as questioning his sexuality, but still presenting himself as straight. A part of him just never really felt that inner push to try and pursue anything with a man. Not fully. But he definitely considers it sometimes, and he finds himself feeling attracted to non-female presenting individuals. He's kind of confused in that sense, often writing it off on him finding someone aesthetically attractive is all. I have a feeling that there were some men approaching him romantically or sexually, though. He works in a creative field, and creative spaces are often, if not always, full of queer people. So, for him, it'll be more of a confirmation than anything else. He finds you attractive, both inside and out, and that's a feeling he recognizes well enough. He'll be way more awkward with flirting, though. He knows how to charm a lady, but he's clueless if he should do anything specific for a man. You'll have to give him a push there.

Jumin

Jumin is not that interested in learning about his romantic or sexual preferences. Although he appears somewhat clueless, he really just... doesn't care much. In a way, he always knew that he is capable of attraction to more than one gender, he just never had a word for it, nor did he care enough to learn. I personally headcanon him on the ace spectrum, so that plays into his indifference towards his love life. Of course, that's not to overlook the role his unfortunate upbringing played in shaping his views on romantic relationships. He would definitely be way more involved if his family didn't raise him the way they did. (But we're not touching that huge can of worms right now) I don't think he will care much about labels, not until you or someone else brings it up to him. He just knows that he loves you, and that's that. He doesn't understand nor appreciate anyone questioning him or meddling into his personal affairs. His family included. So, I don't think he will be all that shocked, nor will he struggle. Most of his intimacy issues stem from his upbringing, not much else.

Saeyoung

It's pretty much a common knowledge that Saeyoung is very blatantly not straight. He doesn't try very hard to conceal it, nor does he care to. I actually view him as the most flirty one of the group, so he has his fair share of fleeting flirty connections with many people of all gender identities. None of it was anything meaningful nor serious, though. He's the sort of guy who flirts with everyone in the room, but will quickly fumble and leave if someone reciprocates his advances. Saeyoung's issue is not so much about his sexuality as it is about his unique situation regarding his job and identity.

Saeran

Saeran... doesn't know much, if anything, about sexuality. His knowledge is very limited to what little he reads in books and Rika's words. In other words, I don't believe Rika would instruct him that feeling something for another man is wrong or incorrect. I think it's pretty clear that she is not the type of person to do that or believe in that. (That's not mentioning that she is very not straight herself but I digress) I do think Ray would talk about it with her, though. Although she trusted him to select a tester on his own, I'm certain that she still overlooked some aspects of the process. And we do know that Rika doesn't really mind his attraction towards you. It's only when that attraction grows into something more substantial that challenges his loyalty to her does it become an issue in her eyes. That is to say, Ray wouldn't care if you are a man. He finds you as lovely as can be. Just be prepared to be called a prince. And Ray will probably want to be your knight. He can't think of a role more fitting than one that will make him serve you and protect you like you deserve.

[sciderman]

When i transitioned i had to give up my versatile singing voice and all my skirts and heels. I miss them all equally even though i dont regret a single thing about transitioning. I haven't worn a dress in five years but that doesn't mean i don't want to. My four-inch-heeled blue sequined boots still fit me and sometimes i wear them around the house even if i'm too shy to be gnc in public.

These feelings stopped me from transitioning for a long time and they didn't change when i finally did. I hope that resonates with you

bless you anon! i'm really glad that it's something you don't regret, and i'm glad you're living closer to the you that you want to be - but i also hope you can conquer any fears you have and present to the world the way you want to be seen. i think life's too short to make compromises!

me, i don't think i could go all the way - i think there's a lot about myself i just - i don't want to change. (i'll be honest, the biggest thing i'm scared about with T is what goes on between your legs. i'm terrified of that. i know it's different for everyone, but that makes it even scarier. i'm so familiar with what's down there. i don't want to wake up one morning and it's different. the horrors of one puberty was enough for me. i'm still recovering from my first puberty. i don't want to go through it again. not again. oh dear god.)

i think that's another part of why i thought "oh, i must not be a boy. because i don't want to transition. i have top dysphoria, and Dear God I'd love Top Surgery, but i like what i have between my legs. i like my voice. i like being soft. i like my girlish hobbies. if i like being feminine so much, how does it make sense to claim i'm a boy?" and i think that's a silly line of thinking i had. and i only realised how silly that sounded when other people said it to me. someone said they were worried about identifying as non-binary because they're very pink and very femme. i said - the whole point of non-binary is that it's something you define. pink and femme have nothing to do with it. it's a label you don't have to qualify for! you don't have to qualify to be trans. i know a lot of people trick you into thinking that but - it's just not true. whatever shape you are, whatever preferences you have, whatever you're comfortable wearing, whatever you're comfortable proclaiming - it's on your terms. nobody can tell you what you're meant to feel or how you want to be seen. that's you. you have to define yourself, i guess. nobody else should be able to do that on your behalf!

so i'm a boy, i guess. right now. i'm allowed to be. i declare it so! i'm allowed to be a boy. even in my pink sneakers and my little love-heart chains and all my girlish ways.

[senditcolton]

Talk

a/n: i actually really love writing for EJ. so here’s some more of him! sort of a prequel to this blurb from my last birthday celebration. hope you all love sunshine/golden retriever EJ.  word count: 1.5k warnings: dirty talk + implied smut (basically the proposition of the act but not the act itself). feminine reader this time!

I won’t deny I’ve got in my mind now all the things I would do.

“Looking good, sweetheart.”

You hear EJ before you see him and your shoulders heave in a sigh as you cast an exasperated glance in Nate’s direction. You knew he was going to be here; it was Colorado’s charity brunch after all so of course the entire team was in attendance. But still, that didn’t mean that you had to interact with EJ.

At least, not right now.

So, you sigh again before spinning around in your chair, your eyes darting up to his face. And to your unfortunate surprise, he looked hot; in his casual suit, the top few buttons tastefully undone, his blonde hair artfully ruffled.

“Thank you, EJ,” you say, your voice dry, not at all willing to let him or anyone else sitting at your table know how much this man managed to fluster you.

You think that your forced politeness would be the end of it as you turn back to continue the conversation that you were having with Nate, your friend who was responsible for bringing you here. But you should’ve known that Erik wasn’t going to give up that easily and your body bristles when you feel him settle into the chair next to you, his voice sounding again.

“Woah, being nice to me? That’s a surprise,” he laughs. You roll your eyes in Nate’s direction, an action that was met with a scolding glance from your best friend, silently telling you to behave. Which you always do. EJ just never made it easy for you.

You turn back towards Erik, finally giving him your full attention and plaster on a smile before responding.

“We’re at a charity event. I gotta be on my best behavior.”

EJ doesn’t give you a verbal response at first, just shoots you that ridiculously goofy grin. The two of you back off each other for a moment, turning your attention to the delicious food in front of your and the conversation surrounding you. However, the peace only lasts a minute until you feel Erik lean over towards you, his voice quiet.

“I prefer you on your worst behavior.”

The way his voice drips with desire and passion makes you falter, almost dropping your fork. The glare you send in his direction does not discourage him. In fact, judging by that stupid smirk that remains on his face, it seems as if he actually enjoys it.

Which, after spending a few too many nights tangled in his sheets and in his arms, you know that was the truth.

Yes, you were sleeping with Erik. What started as an accident turned into a full-blown habit that you couldn’t seem to stop. Somehow, this obnoxious golden retriever of a man snuck his way into your life and it was now hard to shake him off.

Although, the two of you did promise that you would keep your ‘status’ quiet in front of your friends and the rest of the team. But here was EJ, flirting with you at a team sponsored event.

You swear you could throttle him.

In an attempt to settle your skipping heartbeat and ground yourself to the present moment, you turn your head, cracking your neck as you brush off his words, not wanting to encourage him anymore. Erik doesn’t take the hint and it isn’t long until you feel a strong hand land on your thigh, the warmth of his palm seeping into your skin through the fabric of your dress.

“I love how this dress looks on you,” Erik whispers again, his fingers caressing the silk. “I think I’d like it better if it was on my bedroom floor.”

You once again stiffen in your chair and glance around, eyes jumping between the others sitting at your table. Thankfully, they are distracted by their own conversations that no one has seemed to notice how close Erik has gotten to you. You are grateful for their ignorance, not only for the proximity of your bodies but also the undeniable rise that EJ’s words pull out of you.

“I wish I woke up with you in my arms this morning. We could’ve snuck in a quick fuck before we had to come here,” Erik continues, his hand moving higher on your thigh, calloused fingers dragging the soft material of your dress up.

“Or maybe we would’ve made up an excuse not to come so I could have spent all morning with my head between your thighs. You taste sweeter than anything on this table.”

There is no stopping the pounding of your heart and the rush of heat that pools as Erik’s hand slips underneath your skirt, his warm hands finally coming into contact with the soft skin of your inner thighs, lightly gripping the flesh as his hand continues to sneak closer to your aching core.

“Do you like the sound of that?” he questions, no doubt in response to the heat he can feel radiating from your center. “What if I just took you here, in front of all our friends? Let them know how weak you get for me. How loud you moan for me.”

You force yourself to suppress the full body shudder that runs through your body as Erik’s fingers just barely caress the edge of your underwear. Your thighs instinctively widen to give him more access and you hear the small chuckle that rumbles from him – a sound that you immediately want to smack out of him. He shouldn’t get the satisfaction of pulling this reaction from you.

Two can play at this game.

“You know I love hearing you,” EJ states, his fingers moving again to brush against the front of your core. “But you think you can stay silent for me now?”

Without thinking, one of your hands fly down to grip his wrist, halting his movements and lightly pushing him away from you, his hand retreating to rest on your upper thigh. You look over to him and when your eyes connect to his, you can see the question in his eyes and a twinge of guilt. The worry that he might have taken things too far is painted in his expression but you are quick to silence those fears with a mischievous grin of your own.

There was no hesitation from you when your other hand falls from the tabletop to land on his thigh, squeezing the strong muscle there and your smirk just widens when you hear the small gasp on EJ’s lips.

“Can you?” you ask, hand trailing up, following a very similar path as the one that Erik traced up your own thigh. “Don’t lie to me EJ. You try to act all suave and smooth but really, you just want me to drop to my knees in front of you.”

You can feel his grip on your own thigh tighten as your hand creeps up over the soft material of his dress pants. It isn’t long until your fingertips reach out to barely trace the side of his cock, half hard from both his teasing and yours.

“Does that turn you on baby? The idea of me looking up at you from the pretty tiled floor. You know it would be one way to keep me quiet. But if we were in that position, I don’t think I’d be the one who would struggle staying silent.”

Your words are almost instantly proven as you get bolder and place your hand over his bulge, softly palming him underneath the tablecloth and you smirk as you watch Erik disguise a moan as a cough, reaching out to take a drink of his water. You giggle, your own hand withdrawing to mirror his, resting heavy on the top of his upper thigh.

“Shall we see? Make it a contest? See which one of us can keep their composure at this beautiful charity event while we do the most sinful things in the bathroom?”

The proposal lingers there for a moment before the words truly register with EJ, his head whipping to face you and you can’t stop the genuine laugh that falls from your lips at the eagerness shining in his eyes.

“Are you serious?”

“Only if you are.”

You watch as Erik’s eyes register the sincerity in your words and those beautiful grey irises dart from your own down to your lips and back again.

“God, I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispers and you can’t stop your heart from softening at his gentle declaration. It is short-live though as the smile on your face twists again, returning to that playful smirk.

“Men’s room. 10 minutes. Then you can kiss me all you want.”  

EJ’s only response is another firm squeeze on your thigh before he is practically bounding out of his seat and you once again have to swallow a giggle at his obvious excitement. Your eyes follow his trek to the back hallway where the bathrooms were located.

You shake your head slightly, taking another drink and reorienting yourself to your surroundings. You make small talk with some of the others at the table before you are politely excusing yourself, your own desire rushing through your body as you follow Erik’s path.

This was a shit idea.

Didn’t stop you from wanting it though.

[nashiriel]

I have to say both Consanguinity and Victory stand out for me as usually I can't stand reading A/B/O often all feelings seem...removed? Good or Bad and the hyper feminization of any "omega" often just...makes them nothing like the character they are supposed to be?

In Victory were Luke, for all almost every control is taken from him...he fights back (with help).

In Consanguinity sure Addam especially finds Luke very cute, but at least the (saner) members of houses Targaryen and Velaryon still respect that he is a living breathing person. He also still feels like Luke.

This is rambly but anyways, glad I took a chance of those two after reading Carrion. ^_^

I wrote such a long response to this and Tumblr ate it 😑 Thank you so much for such a lovely comment! I’m so happy that you took a chance on both of those fics and found it worth it. You’ll have to forgive the incoming recreated essay:

I have to admit, I’m not massively fond of some common tropes in A/B/O fic gender dynamics - at least, not when they’re played straight. Considering ASOIAF already features pretty strict gender roles with characters who struggle massively against them, there’s definitely a lot to explore when you introduce A/B/O into the mix!

When I was picking prior Targaryen omegas, Alysanne seemed an obvious choice - not just for the sheer number of children, but the fact that she was so focused on gender roles and improving rights, whilst being married/bonded to a guy who very much fell short in that regard. So the idea of her and Jaehaerys being held up as the Targaryen ideal pair as a bonded alpha/omega in that context was quite interesting.

I did think about Vaegon being an omega for the lol factor, but given Jaehaerys’ treatment of his daughters, I didn’t see him letting Vaegon off with a Citadel career if that had been the case.

And then I chose Visenya for the other, because I quite liked the idea of one of the fiercest, deadliest members of House Targaryen being an omega (you can bet Rhaenyra, Visenya fangirl that she is, helped hype Luke up with stories about how badass omegas could be after he presented), and also because that was quite an intriguing dynamic to me - an omega who could only produce the one child, the multiple bride aspects (I don’t think Aegon ever actually bonded with Visenya) and with Rhaenys being the more traditionally feminine one who Aegon preferred as a beta instead.

So for Luke in both fics, I definitely wanted to write him in a similar way to how I’d write in non-A/B/O fics. The fact that Jace is an alpha in Victory and yet is in a similar situation was quite important; he and Luke empathise with and empower each other, and Luke is very much the ringleader of their whole plan there (fun fact: his expression at the end is very much reminiscent of him smirking at Aemond over the roasted pig in canon).

Even with other characters, my rule of thumb is generally that their personalities should not really shift depending on what I’ve assigned them as but rather on the situations they find themselves in. Aegon III, who is obviously quite withdrawn and traumatised in canon, getting ready to dump wine on Aegon II’s head at the start of Victory because of the treatment of his family despite being a beta is probably a good example.

In Consanguinity, the power dynamics between Luke and Addam - Luke is younger and rides a smaller dragon, but he’s future Lord of the Tides and was massively higher on the social totem pole than Addam until a short time ago - and the fact that Addam is so laidback, makes writing them as a pair quite fun! The bit where Luke admits he’s not sorry for taking Aemond’s eye and Addam finding his feralness pretty appealing was in my mind from the start. You can see hints that here as well the Greens are far more traditionalist in their mindset, which is a definite cause of friction between both sides.

As Joffrey demonstrates, the Blacks very much consider Luke to be every much a fighter and future lord in his own right as his brothers, and if someone objects, they’re very happy to introduce them to their dragons. Which is going to be a pretty important factor for certain characters going forward.

[still-a-morosexual-help]

You wrote "A big part of pulling free from expectations put on women is by breaking genderstereotypes, which leads to men being able to wear dresses, makeup, heels without being mocked for it because everyone should be able to present themselves in a way that makes them comfortable & happy." OK. But that's not attractive. I'd never fuck or be in relationship with a man who's not masculine. And people like you are erasing masculinity by promoting this mindset. I need traditional, masculine men in life. Because I'm a feminine woman. Men should be happy to be men, and live in their masculine energy. Men are mocked for being men in today's messed up society. That's why we need people like Jordan Peterson and other positive influences to lead them to the right path.

If you're attracted to masculine men, I'm gonna tell something that's very important. Listen up:

GOOD FOR YOU

I genuinely do not care.

Your preference and tastes are your business and like cool man. I'm not trying to dictate your life. Your life is your life. (Obviously as long as it isn't hurting others;) You deserve the freedom to be who you like, act how you like and well do who you like ;)

...get it.... ?

Understand that everyone should be extended the deceny and humanity to be who they want to be ? (Adding this again, because I know you're just the type of person who'd jump through hoops to twist this into saying I'm excusing like mass murder or whatever: as long as it isn't hurting others)

So once again;

Understand that everyone should be extended the deceny and humanity to be who they want to be ? Even men?

If a man wants to be "traditional" then sure cool good for him. If he wants to wear a cute little dress then sure cool good for him. It's not up to anyone else to dictate that choice. Definitely not you and me.

Girl if you like 'em traditional then go find a traditional man. Surprise, Surprise they still exist. They're not some endangered species or whatever you think is happening. I'm not out here hunting them for sport. Coming and complaining to me won't help. If you can't find a traditional man then I think that speaks about some problem from your end not mine :/

Okay but I love how I said that everyone should be able to be "comfortable and happy" in their own skin and you immediately followed that by "OK. But that's not attractive." !?!?!?!??! DUDE!?😂😂😂😂😂😂

Men (and anyone really) aren't just inanimate objects whose sole purpose for existence is to be attractive to you. They deserve to be comfortable and happy even if you don't find them attractive.

That's like someone saying they have a preference for I dunno blond men or whatever? And then believing every man in the world should dye their hair blond just so they'd appeal to that person.

....do you see how unhinged that is?

...how much of a dick move that is?

Maybe that's why you seem to be having trouble finding a traditional man🤔

Sorry! Sorry! That was below the belt. But I dunno a person's chances of getting a date usually shoot up when they're not blatantly an asshole. When they're not putting their partner's sex appeal to specifically them above said partner's happiness & comfort....

Here's my question, I'm an Obey Me! blog right?

How the fuck did you get here? "Traditional" men really are an extinct species in that game😭 did you get lost? are people putting hits out on my name? sending you in here? like genuinely how did you end up here?

Also side note, because I find it really interesting; the characteristics of "traditional men" and "traditional masculinity" has a tendency to change between culture & time. It doesn't really change the flow of our conversation because that's not really the point of it, but it's something interesting to read about if you wanted

Okay well, good luck I guess ❤️✌️

[sweet-little-iris]

UPDATE: Out of the closet, but not transitioning.

So I could not bear to leave my kids. They are the life I chose, and it would be terrible if I did. My wife would not accept me transitioning, but she has been very supportive otherwise, and cares a lot for my mental health.

Now that she knows, she understands more why I am the way I am with things like clothes. Why I get defensive and angry when she thinks I picked a girly color, or when she comments on my longer nails or shaved arms. So now she understands and has no problems with those things. I can wear my androgynous bracelets and necklaces, shave everything, and even keep myself tucked, and not worry about her noticing.

She agrees that I should explore my clothing options, but asks that I keep it to the men's sections, even if it is more feminine styles. This isn't her being selfish, it's about us getting along and caring for the kids. It was a much longer conversation than this and it makes sense to me.

She understands that I can't always be the strong one, and that many masculine responsibilities are very difficult for me, mentally. That I need to get emotional, too, and that I need lots of hugs and cuddles all the time, which she gives. I told her even when I look like I don't want it, especially then, I need it! I told her I like to be the little spoon and when she grabs me and pulls me close like that. I even told her I prefer being submissive during sex, the 'problem' is so does she...

So honestly, while I'm choosing to not be free to take hormones or dress like I'd want even at home, I feel more free and at peace. I don't have to hide it all now. I even saw a bracelet I liked and asked her what she thought. It was pretty girly, but kind of borderline. My point is that I talked to her about it, and that was amazing!

I'm still insanely jealous of pretty girls wearing pretty clothes, but I'll have to deal with that. At least I can tell her why I was looking at that girl with the cute shoes.

I still have my secret online activities, like this, and my go bag of clothes for when I'm traveling for work (I love that dress so much!), but it feels so good to be present with her again, and to be honest and not fear ridicule and judgement for everything like I did.

I would not be happy leaving my kids. I'd be constantly fighting depression and covering it with clothes and hormones and who knows what else to keep me going. But I think I can be happy like this for the long term.

I share this in case it helps anyone else. We are on a spectrum with different manifestations and the triggers that got us here. Being trans isn't necessarily an on or off switch for everyone. For me it is likely both a label for my feminine traits, and a self reinforcing mindset I ended up in due to bullying, curiosity and exploration, depression, failure, inadequacy, etc. Trans or not, some of those things need to be dealt with to be a healthier me. That depression has nearly ended me a few times. I think I have the support I need now. I hope you do too.

[writingforfishes]

worm non-hic-related-ask spam era (because they are nothing if a dorky fanperson at heart who would rather absorb lore than do anything productive irl)

otto n atty are fairly masc presenting

i want to explore that

so i think it's safe to assume that otto, being a cis guy, was raised/socialized as one. and as mentioned it wasn't safe for him to explore the side of him that wasn't heteronormative while he was at home. and when living with mark he didn't seem to behave much differently. did otto ever want to explore femininity (don't correct if that's misspelt i will die) or androgyny? or at least, did that ever cross his mind? benefit of not assigning them to live in a particular region/city/etc, there is the option of them living in a rly queer area and not having to worry abt any weird discrimanatory (discriminatory?) shi in public. if he wanted to behave or present differently, how would that look for him?

similar vein with atty. *pushes up glasses in intersex nerdism* i won't assume that atticus having had top surgery, being on T, and (presumably) possessing a not-dick equates to them having been raised as a girl. like that certainly makes sense but isn't the only way that things can go. if they were tho, they probably already have some experience and opinion of acting/presenting fem, and have obviously explored androgyny & masculinity. do they prefer either of those over fem? would something feel off to them if they wore, like, a dress or something, even if they were still being perceived as and addressed with the correct gender/pronouns? they seem like they would have uh...how do i word this. they have the vibes of being fashionable but not in a trend-following way? like when not asleep or in gremlin-writing-mode, i get the impression they generally wear clothes a step or two above casual/street stuff, but not like a complicated 10+ articles outfit, just a few nice-looking things that they're rly good at putting together and pulling off. they're like a quick-witted, dapper little guy. the gentlethem of all time (in the absence of social anxiety and introvertedness, lol, cuz like same). that whole long fashion bit to say: they seem like they'd be interested in testing fancy outfits in general (emphasis on testing and not always wearing, cuz textile sensitivity is a bitch), and enjoying all forms of clothes makes for a lot more options than trad-masc. idk

this stems from er. the characters i just created for my ~original work hicfics~ both have painted nails and a few different piercings or other jewelries/accessories each. and my brain was like wait a damn minute..would ottocus do anything more than wedding rings? (pls don't say dog tag chains istg) so like what are their individual experiences/thoughts with what society has decided as not-masculinity and if either of them were to experiment with such presentations on their own/with their partner, how would that go?

and if this is like a rly out of left field question u don't gotta deep-dive into it or anythin. idw like pressure u into world-building on the spot ehe...just, uh, if you do already have some form of an answer for this, i would be very interested to hear it :3

sry i just thought of a sillier (hella unhinged) question. feel free to virtually bonk me for this one. so the two of them also don't swear much. idk if that's like an age thing, a you thing, or if they as characters simply prefer not to, but. what do they think abt queer slurs. like the ones they can say. i think if the opportunity arises that atticus deserves to drop one british-cigarette-slang as a treat. ok umm. here u and your bois can have some strawberries or somethin. and i will stop (for today) being cringe now bye

We're gonna do the paragraph-by-paragraph thing again because I can keep track of it better in my brain. |P=paragraph.

|P 1

(after "I want to explore that.")

I honestly think Otto was a marching band nerd or a theatre kid? I might be borrowing too much from the source actor on that. I feel like he was a pretty energized person in his youth (ADHD/-tism?). After being kicked out of the house and in college he probably did express himself in more alternative ways. I hadn't given it that much thought, but I could see him being a neo-90's hippie with a guitar, long hair, and nail polish. Kind of a selfish douche but it's because he was someone who was never allowed to be himself. (And alcohol makes you super douche-y, too.)

He was probably a Philosophy or Religion major (never completed). Super smart but extremely insecure which turned into extreme egoism which was worsened by his drinking to deal with his anxiety and over-activity. I can see him being kind of an asshole and wearing a dress as a lark, but I can also see him wearing something like a broomstick skirt and a t-shirt and sandals. There's a couple of paths I can see him having taken stylistically. I can even see him going into a punk or goth phase at some point, though briefly and pretty quickly snuffed out by his mom.

Ultimately, I think neo 90's hippie dude playing a guitar under a tree in a long skirt with painted fingernails rings truer than all of the other possibilities.

|P 2

Atticus was absolutely raised as a girl. I'm confirming that now. But I like the inclusive thought of intersex individuals. Thank you for including it.

CW: gendered discussion ahead highlighting societal and cultural definitions of masc vs femme (author knows that strict binary gender is created by society and culture and not true to natural expression of gender or non-gender)

And, yes, Atticus is a dapper dude. Being in a relationship with Otto probably brought even more dapper dude-ness out. Otto is a dapper dude, too. You should SEE both of their collections of flat caps, vests, and cardigans! It's like a Newsies fitting room in their closet.

As far as Atticus' thoughts about wearing more feminine things, they didn't begin to welcome back in the possibility of dresses and other femme-coded clothes until they started looking more masc via body and facial hair. It's the contrast visually in the femme and masc social and cultural categories that they wanted to achieve. They love the visual of someone who is hairy and masc presenting in clothes that are seen as feminine in themselves.

They own see-through mesh crop tops (as every queer should, in my opinion, don't at me) and flowy sundresses. But they wear things like that for parties and events. They're more comfortable in gremlin or dapper wear.

|P 3

They do both have wedding rings. I only believe this, because I have no doubt that either Otto knows a metalsmith or was one at some point. I am absolutely certain they have hand-crafted rings that hold some sort of significance from the metal it was crafted.

As far as jewelry, I think Otto probably had earrings (or just one) in his youth/young adulthood. I don't think he wore excessive rings because he used his hands too much for them to feel comfortable. Maybe bracelets or a necklace with some sort of stone on it.

Atticus, a late bloomer in their identity as nonbinary masc, definitely went through the overly abundance ring trend (including a poison ring because, of course!) and all of the 90's jewelry stuff with the chokers and hemp necklaces and yada yada. And if they were anything like me (I mean...) they had their neo 90's hippie phase, too.

We've established that Atticus probably has gauges currently. Otto doesn't really wear much jewelry, though he might have a bracelet or two. He seems like a bracelet guy on the wrist he doesn't wear a watch on.

They do both have watches. They are both very nice watches. They both have more than one watch. It's a clock maker/watch repairer thing.

I haven't really thought of anything specific for their accessory wear, though. This is all just off the top of my head speculation.

As far as thoughts on gender (specifically non-masculinity) and how it would go to experiment with the barriers...hm.

I honestly don't think Otto gave gender expression for himself beyond masculinity much thought before Atty. I mean, yes, he wore skirts and painted his nails and challenged masculinity expectations when he was younger, but I don't think he specifically identified those acts as affront to masculinity but, rather, as an affront to society in general.

I think Otto having Atticus as his partner and meeting other trans people has opened his eyes to gender in a way he never considered. And as a cis man who does not openly present as queer, he probably never had to consider gender. He had some privilege.

There was an article I read decades ago about a cis (this article was written before that term existed) man trying on a dress not as a joke, but as a genuine exploration into wearing clothes assigned to females. He was taken aback by how much emotion he felt when he looked in the mirror and he didn't look pretty. He saw an image that he, and society, defined as ugly and unacceptable. (Please keep the time period in mind for this.)

He actually got emotional. I think he had a friend who was a girl, or his wife, someone socially female to whom he related his shock and emotion. He felt disappointed, even though he didn't identify as female, at how horrible he perceived he looked. He was genuinely upset.

And I believe the female person consoled him and helped him adjust the dress and perhaps fixed his hair, stockings, shoes, makeup, whatever it was that was included in this little social experiment. But the idea of someone not actually realizing how traumatic it is to have to wear a costume of a gender when you are not that gender and not "succeed" and have an emotional reaction to that fact is very intriguing. (In addition, the gendered costume is that of the most criticized and judged gender for not looking a specific way, especially back then.)

I like to think that Otto experienced something similar to this experiment when deciding to explore femme clothing for some sort of queer event and felt these emotions that were so surprising and powerful that he didn't want to leave the house. I like to think that Atticus and Margie and Cindy helped him deal with those emotions and to understand where they came from. I also like to think he started to understand the discomfort of trans people when society tells them what gender is and that they don't fit where they feel most comfortable and might never fit no matter how hard they try. (Which hits me, specifically, the 5'0 nonbinary masc with not enough whiskers to cause any question to people calling me 'she' pretty darn hard. Thus, Atticus would definitely have that reaction as well.)

|P 4

HAHAHA. I thrive and perish in deep-dive answers and on-the-spot world building.

|P 5

They don't swear all that much. I dunno. That might be a generational thing. They swear when they feel it appropriate. Working retail has also beaten punctuational swearing out of me. But I do appreciate (unless it's a specific character trait) dialogue that isn't bogged down with swearing. This can be, and has been, done well in comedies and dramas. But for everyday life I guess they just don't find it necessary? I'm not sure I have a better answer than that except it might be generational.

As far as reclaiming queer slurs, maybe if Atticus was really riled up or feeling incredibly angry or confrontational, they would claim the small twig one. But it would have to be a pretty specific situation of which I don't know what would look like. Neither one of them are from a queer history where the word was used conversationally or affectionately. Atticus missed a lot of queer culture by discovering themselves later in life. They weren't a spunky butch kid. They were an introverted girl-thing who didn't understand why sex was so important and really liked Star Trek. They only became spunky after realizing and becoming who they were, so they haven't had much practice owning that confidence. Though they have much more than me. Another idealized part of Atticus that I've given them in addition to the killer body hair and mustache.

:looks up at tower of text:

Does this do anything?

[your-local-uwu-artist]

how's the smurfing going?

it's going good! my google doc is at over 5 pages, I got some nice sketches and the responses have been very helpful and fun >:D (shout out to isopod guy) the only problem is trying to not make my bias of who's my favorite smurf to be tooo obvious fndkjsa

plus the constant struggle between needing to do research and rewatch episodes and read wikipedia articles and the fact that i get what i call 'withdraw-l'... bassically I can only go so long before I just gotta doodle fdnjak

anyway: I SUPPOSE i might as well explain what the fuck I've been doing (if anyones noticed a lack of posts in the past handufl od days: the reason for my absence is that I was busy iwth my smurfing fdja )

bassically I've always had a LOT of questions regarding the smurfs, (many of which I've had sense childhood) and it's been plaguing me because nobody else seems to care to answer these questions, I'll be like 'what chemichal do you think makes them blue?' and 'what form of asexual reproduction do you assume they use' and 'i don't think it makes sense that they'd crush on smurfette, i'd imagine their mono-sex mono-gender society wouldn't really have those concepts or well, be heterosexual for that matter' and everyone responds with 'what aere you on' (the autism spectrum) 'why are you asking me this?' (i want to here your answer) and 'it's just a cartoon' (AND SOMETIEMS YOU GOTTA ASK SCIENTIFIC QUESTIONS ABOUT CARTOONS) so I decided if I must do everything myself so be-it.

essentially I'm planning to make a very silly half video essay half my nonsense 'if i was in charge of a smurfs reboot' video. heres some of the doodles so far!

vanity's always been my favorite so i'm having a hard time convincing myself to draw some smurf other than him fndasjkfnask (Azrael has always been my second favorite lol) I'm really excited to draw more fo smurf village! mushrooms houses my beloved <3 tbh the village is def a plus for the live action films, while giving the smurfs eyelids and lashes and pecs did not work I do enjoy seeing cute fantasy mushroom village in a photorealistic style <3

anyway one very fun thing i learned about while researching is about these really pretty very epic and pog mushrooms that are native to new zealend and just the most brilliant shade of blue

these things are blue-tiful! And there are actually pigmented! (a lot of things in nature aren't actually blue and rather the structure of it refelcts light and shit to give it a blue appearance) the thing that gives em the blue pigment is a kind of 'azulene' but somehow just a brighter varient: they're so whimsical looking!

a funny thing I've found just through research is that a LOT of people aren't aware of smurfettes origin story, or thought that the origin story was from the live action films, this is so strange to me cause like ????? it's been there sense the begining comics, and theres plenty of episodes where it's mentioned

I'm also suprised by how many people seem to be fond of the new female smurfs: so I guess I'm on the unpopular side here, I've always imagined them as sorta sexless and generless, and that female smurfs (excluding artificially made ones like smurfette) just discovered and decided they preferred feminine gender expression/presentation. (i do wish i included a question asking if people as kids assumed them sexless, cause i always have)

idk I'm still working through the new cgi series and my cartoon pirating site doesn't have the second season, so maybe I'll change my mind on them

ufdnsjafnsdk sorry for rambling the hyperfixation has taken hold lmao

[blackberry-bloody]

Meet my ocs: Mibium

This is going to be a new written "series" that I will be doing for each of my characters.

This is meant more to be silly and give a twist to an "into post" for ocs. So it's not meant as a "serious" whump piece.

Italics= narration and action

Regular= oc speaking

Bold= the interrogator

Please enjoy the first of several!

CW: brief implied unreality if you squint (being told something is a dream when it's not.), drugging (At the end), character death (mentioned, not described)

Mibium groaned blearily as he was slowly pulled from his sleep, reluctantly opening his eyes. Once he did though, he realized he was not in the same place he’d fallen asleep. Which, realistically, should have sent him into a panic. But he’s been through this sort of thing far too many times. Looking around he was in a decently sized, if incredibly plain, room. On the ceiling was a single lit bulb shining down on a metal folding chair. The chair was facing a wall that looked to be made of a mirror. He stood up and cautiously walked over to the seat, and sat down. The metal creaking under his weight. The sound of a speaker turning on made his attention shift to the wall.

“Hello?”

Hello!

“What am I doing here?” He fidgeted with his hands resting in his lap.

You’re still asleep. Don’t worry about it.

“Uh… No? This feels far too real to be a dream…”

You’ve had far more realistic and vivid ones though, haven’t you?

“I suppose you’re right.” A chill runs down his spine thinking about those nightmares…

So, with that out of the way. I wanted to ask you some questions. 

“Ok, shoot, I guess? An interview-” He glanced around the room. “Well… Interrogation? With my subconscious? Sounds interesting…”

Let’s start with some easy stuff. What is your name?

“Well my given name Is Mibium. And most angels don’t feel the need to have last names. But for work and socially I’ve been going by Mibium Martins.”

An Angel you say? What kind of angel?

“Two kinds actually… While I never got the chance to know them, one of my birth mothers was a guardian, and my other was a healer. Though I take after my guardian mom more.”

 And what about your adoptive parents? Your Siblings?

“Well… They were busy a lot of the time. But did their best raising me and my three siblings. Like most nests, there were three of them. But we were a rowdy, and powerful, bunch.I have one older brother, one younger brother, and one younger sibling.” He gets a pained expression. “I wonder how they’re all doing now… It’s been so long since I’ve seen them…”

Oh? And why’s that?

He tensed, shifting uncomfortably in the too small chair. “I’m a fallen.There’s no going back after that. And before that I made… A lot of mistakes.” He shakes his head. “But none of that matters now. I’m happy here. End of story.”

End of story indeed.

“What?”

What?

… “Next question please…”

Oh, right. How old are you?

“Angels age a little differently than humans, but I’m in my early 30s. But If I have to give a human age, I say I’m 32. And I celebrate my birthday on October 1st.”

How would you describe your gender and orientation?

“I’m a cis man. And I do tend to prefer masc presentation, but I’m not uncomfortable with a more feminine presentation. And I use he/him pronouns.” He took a breath before continuing, “As for orientation, I am gay.”

Any significant relationships in your life, aside from family, you feel like sharing? Romantic or otherwise?

“Oh geez… Well, there’s really three major people who’ve had an impact. One for the worse, one for the better, and one without even knowing.” He reached up to his feather earring and tenderly ran his hand over it. “Azzie, was my first crush and childhood best friend. But… I made a mistake. And it cost him his life.” His hand drops back into his lap. “Which led to me ending up as Octavian’s guardian. And that man… Has had far too much an impact to briefly discuss… But on the other hand, I am now in a place where I am happily in a relationship. With another demon named Dayzel.”

What do you do for work?

“I work as a teacher! I work at a highschool teaching French, and helping run the drama club. Though of course I disguise myself as best I can.”

How would you describe yourself physically?

“Um…” He glances down at himself. “I guess most noticeably, I’m pretty tall. I’m 7-foot-2, which tends to raise some eyebrows. I am a bit more broad shouldered, and a good bit of muscle. I have blonde hair down just past my shoulders. Um… I have purple eyes? Some facial hair… And, while I usually keep them covered, I have a few tattoos.” He looks back into the mirror. “Does that suffice?”

Yes. Thank you for your time Mibium.

Mibium nodded into the mirror and closed his eyes, waiting to wake up after such a weird dream. But he cracked an eye open again, hearing an odd hissing sound. Before he could locate the source, he felt a sharp jab in his shoulder that made him jump with a shout. He reached behind him and pulled out a small dart. Then he was hit with another. And another. Before he could even register what was happening. He suddenly felt woozy and his movement slowed, before he slumped back in the chair, yet again unconscious.

[the-rockstar-lestat]

How is the aspect of gender dysphoria handled in your kind ? I can imagine it must be miserable at times if hormone replacement therapy treatment dosent work ?

Fascinating question! Off the top of my head I don't believe I know any vampires who have attempted a medical transition, weather before or after their turning. So I will answer this question as best I can by telling you about my mother, Gabrielle.

What, did you think Gabrielle's cross dressing was merely for convenience? It may have started that way, but it didn't take long for my mother to begin preferring men's clothes to women's clothes, and it didn't take long after that for her to realize that it wasn't because men had more freedom, SHE simply felt more free in them.

This was around the time my mother abandoned my company, and society completely, to live in the forests or whatever it was she did for two hundred years. She tells me she reentered the human world around the time I left it, the 1920s, and with it came a new gender expression. (Before that, she says, they didn't really DO genders in the gobi desert. )

Gabrielle was a very early adapter of trousers on women, inspired by the likes of Greta Garbo and Katherine Hepburn. But she still identified as a woman. By the 1950s, she tells me she had found the lesbian scene, and that glorious word butch and for a long time, that was her identity. ("oh Lestat, you don't know how many beautiful women I ate back then," "....in what sense of the word --never mind, Mother, I don't want to know.")

Anyway, I believe that is what she was identifying as when I met her again, a butch woman. She had short hair for a while, cutting it off every night to better fit in with her subculture, but she, like myself, is a child of the 18th century, and didn't find her long hair a detriment to masculinity, despite her famous attempt to cut it. For a long time she wore it in a braid, along with simple, masculine clothes, mainly athletic wear, to suit her athletic lifestyle, although she occasionally donned female clothes, often simply to show off that she COULD. Sometimes a feminine touch was added, a pearl necklace, a high heel. But these were objects of our time as well, and not necessarily out of the bounds of masculinity. I don't believe she was ever truly comfortable presenting femme since the night I brought her into the blood. This was how I knew my Gabrielle.

Recently, however , led by the newest thought from the queer community, Gabrielle has begun rethinking her gender. She heard the term non-binary, and I don't think I've ever seen her REACT to something as much. There was something between man and woman, male and female? Something that didn't require her to confirm to either her assigned gender or the one she still had some resentment towards?

Since that revelation Gabrielle has talked a lot to me about her gender. Dysphoria was a term she used for the feeling when she was alive of "this isn't right" and may have been one of the (many) reasons she was such a cold person in life. Something was bothering her deep in her soul she didn't have a word for. Since she was able to present more masculinly she's been a much happier, much warmer person, she talks much more and is able to connect to people more than she ever could. (though she's still vice president of the introverted vampire society, second only to my Louis.) Gabrielle feels most at home in the queer community, and it's one of the few, though growing number of things we share. We invariably wish each other happy pride month.

As for how she dealt with it, her changes were minimal. She changed the clothes she wore, and occasionally her haircut. Gabrielle has yet to ask anyone to call her by a different name or pronoun, and she certainly doesn't mind when I call her Maman, though I most often call her by her name these days. Of course if she were ever to change her mind about this, we would all certainly oblige.

I don't believe she has any desire for surgery or hormones. If she had, I would have to ask Fareed if such a thing were possible. Our flesh is very difficult to pierce, but he has invented specialized needles before, I don't see why he couldn't invent a specialized scalpel. Our healing process is almost instantaneous, so the removal of flesh for what is commonly known as top surgery ,while painful, would probably be relatively simple to do and heal from. The adding or changing of it I imagine would be more difficult . Our bodies default to homeostasis (look at that beautiful science word I know!) as Louis once told you. I can see us rejecting any surgery or implants. Although it may be worth noting we can reattach our own amputated flesh. I've seen it happen and it's not a pretty process. I'm not sure what that signifies but perhaps....something.

I imagine , though, if a human was taking hormones before they were turned their body would maintain THAT amount of change, unable to be affected further or to revert. Like all vampires, they would be frozen as they were the night they were changed.

Anyway, that is in the realm of science poetry, but I can ask Fareed more about it if you like. It simply hasn't been tried. But I would be excited to watch it happen! I don't personally know any vampires who desire this, but it's a matter of time before we meet one, isn't it? And I have plenty of time.

@askblog-with-the-vampire will you ask Fareed if you see him?

[cleave-and-plough]

"be normal"

aaaagghhhhhhhhhh

absolutely crushing, drowning, debilitating. as rich and complex as the show's visual language can be, there's a scathing simplicity to the images in this episode - utena's empty seat in class, utena sitting on her bunk bed in her pajamas, tape on the door's nameplate, and worst of all, utena in the girl's uniform. blessedly, wakaba is there to voice this pain while utena is unable to.

i often wonder what was going through my head when i first watched this show, which was six or seven years ago at this point. i made it about 20 episodes in and never finished, and it's hard to imagine why, when i'm so absorbed by it now. signs of change. i mention this now because i remember not thinking much of wakaba at the time - since she isn't a duelist and doesn't appear in every episode, she feels a bit more background than the other characters, and while i think this is by design, as i watch the show now i definitely don't see her as a minor character, and this episode shows why.

wakaba has a sincere love for utena, perhaps as a friend, perhaps as more, and it seems meaningful that despite utena being so beloved by the school, only wakaba comes to visit her. she's a good friend, trying to see utena for who she is, and it's this insight that causes her such surprise and sorrow when she sees her best friend so despondent, so passive. utena's crisis of self prevents her from being able to open up to wakaba, and, as she did as a child, she escapes into a new self: a "normal girl."

here, the show's questions of gender and sexuality come to the forefront: utena, so far exemplifying rebellion against gender norms of presentation and personality, changes into a model of traditional femininity and is immediately embraced by the school, with a few students even saying they prefer her this way. it's ineffably heartbreaking to see her in the girls' uniform, a mournful expression on her face, while the other students comment on how great she looks, viewing her collapse into the limitations placed on womanhood as something to admire and fawn over.

wakaba isn't fooled, though: she knows and loves utena, and this isn't utena. when touga leans into her, asking her to dinner and touching her hair, wakaba takes on the role utena tried to play for anthy, defending her and begging her to stand up for herself. but utena doesn't know how to do that - to stand up for herself would be to face the pain she feels at losing the duel and letting anthy down. instead, like anthy, she submits herself to the pain of forgetting rather than the pain of knowing. she vainly tries to forget the time they spent together, greeting anthy emotionlessly on the walk to school as if nothing had happened, the way anthy can so effortlessly. if she pretends long enough, maybe, like touga says, she really can become a normal girl. after all, this is what seems to have happened to anthy - hated and rejected by the school, she gets to have a place as the rose bride, for the small price of her personhood. after this long, though, the loss is imperceptible. until utena, no one has been there to remind her of her self.

but utena has wakaba. wakaba, who won't let utena forget herself in this way, whatever the reason. they exchange slaps at the lunch table, wakaba grinning to find that her friend's spirit isn't completely gone - the utena she knows, who cares and will stand up for what's right, is still there.

so, drawn out by wakaba's pleas, utena manages to soften. wakaba makes explicit the question of what it means to be normal, challenging utena to take what it is she wants - for utena, that sense of confidence is what's normal. utena recognizes in wakaba's words that "normal" can mean different things to different people, and in this way, touga's pitying claim that utena can use this opportunity to become a normal girl fails: she was "normal" all along, and the typical meaning of the word bears little on her happiness. and now that she's remembered how to be true to herself, she aims to reclaim that spirit, to become once more the girl who stands up, who refuses to be mistreated or manipulated.

the level of dread i felt as utena ascended the stairs in the previous episode was matched perfectly by the level of pure thrill i felt during this episode's rendition: juri passing her the sword(!!!!!), recognizing in utena the power to bring the world revolution and knowing she can defeat touga. i imagine that juri might have the skill to defeat touga but knows she lacks sufficient desire to break with end of the world, so she hands the baton to the embodiment of revolution. touga remains villainous until the end, forcing anthy to activate a previously unknown power of the sword of dios to intimidate utena. "give up your body to protect the sword," he says, reflecting the position anthy has been in since the show began - merely a vessel for the power her betrothed may wield. this duel is more vicious than any before, and as utena gives herself over to the battle completely, anthy's inner voice speaks for the first time. first hopeless, knowing utena cannot win; then questioning, wondering why utena continues to fight against her inevitable defeat; and finally revelatory, as she mysteriously recalls a similar, miraculous moment involving the prince - at that moment, her sword broken and her uniform shredded, utena refuses to yield, and the power of dios fades from touga's sword. bewildered, touga can only look on as utena slices his rose, ending the duel. disheveled, utena smiles. "i've taken back what i was."

the episode ends in an echo of the first episode, with utena leaving the forest and anthy stepping out of the shadows to greet her as the rose bride, yet utena stops her. "never mind that. let's just go home." something has changed for utena. in the past, she sought to understand or simply ignore the council's game, letting anthy act out the role of rose bride even when it brought them brief moments of tension. now, knowing more of the truth, she embraces the spirit of revolution, rejecting the duelists' code altogether. during the duel, touga taunted utena with her ignorance, citing his authority and knowledge of the secrets of dios as proof of his superiority. though he acts in the shadows, out of sight of the other council members, he remains within the system that end of the world established - he measures his success within its rules and codes. utena looks at the domain he has established and all of the pain it has brought, and she turns away. as with the master's tools, there can be no victory through following the will of end of the world. instead, the system must be dismantled from the outside.

stray thoughts:

it feels encouraging that in the scene where touga leaves anthy at the student council table, she images utena sitting across from her. like utena, she can't forget.

yet another sleazy touga moment - making out with a faceless student in the rose garden while anthy just has to stand there.

both anthy and utena cry at the end of these episodes, having both faced something they considered unthinkable - utena failing in her princely ambitions, and anthy witnessing the will of the council shake and be broken.

i talked a lot about wakaba at the start of this post, and it still doesn't feel like enough. a question is raised about whether or not she understands what utena is going through, and it seems like she reaches a middle ground - she does understand utena's pain, the pain of loss, the pain of rejection, even without knowing the specifics of the duelists' code and the rest of the fantasy elements. like much of the show, this is a moment that feels like it can be read both literally and metaphorically - even if utena's troubles were purely mundane, there's an extent to which wakaba can never understand the particulars, just as the atoms of two people's experiences can never fully touch. and yet, this doesn't preclude compassion and empathy, especially considering that wakaba's rejection by saionji was one of the inciting incidents of the show. it's so clear how much utena has inspired wakaba to be strong and to stand up for her love, and she does so admirably here. she may flail, she may feel uncertain of how to speak utena's strange new language, but she's there for her, and in the end, it's that dedication that reminds utena what it means to be a prince.