#i did not do their fabulous hair ANY justice whatsoever

[if-you-like-pina-colada-s]

My pretty boys 🥺💖💕

[macaroni-rascal]

I have so many thoughts but so little time, goddammit! Both dance events were fascinating. The junior event showcasing infinitely better skating skills than the senior one is such a bad look. My heart broke for Yahli, but at least she had Tanith there to console her, she's the perfect person for this because she's literally lived through it. Although I do feel bad every time Tanith curls her hair just so her teams would disappoint her. Overall I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked the juniors, they were all so different and so good. Probably the best JGPF I've ever seen, especially the girlies!

Marjo and Zak are likely rooming with Lia and Trennt respectively because they looked like they rubbed off on each other. Zak looked like he knew they wouldn't have a good skate going in, so I wonder what's been going on. Marjo's hair piece is doing all the heavy lifting discipline-wide. The tech panel tried to do its job but the GOEs were a trip, as always. It's fascinating which judges fucked over their own teams. Charlene went out there with a vengeance and skated lights out, her ponytail floating in the wind like a plume of fire. They should've been in first. Barbara's stopwatch should be put up in the Olympic Museum when she retires. I love Mark so much, his ability to sneakily say things is unparalleled. When he said C/B have never won the GPF, all of us old-timers knew exactly what he was saying - they'll be handed the win. Luckily for them, G/P aren't helping themselves with this atrocious RD. Any team that's lying down on the ice better not talk to me. And Nik really isn't doing anything to get off my shitlist, huh? I was wondering when F/G's reckoning would come and I'm pleasantly surprised it was this quick, they needed a reality check.

The pairs event also made me stabby. The Germans had no business outscoring the Italians. Minnie better shield this boy lest Aljona try to poach him. What annoys me the most is that Deanna and Max repeat this trajectory every year - they start out strong, nail it at an early Challenger or GP, and then can't do a clean competition for the life of them, the choreo gets watered down, and by the time Worlds rolls around, they're completely out of gas and the judges have lost their faith in them. The axel has never been Trennt's jump, but I'm fascinated by how he's landing his former nemesis the 3S with such ease now but not the 2A. And it was only a matter of time before he started putting down lifts because Alison doesn't teach the girls how to hold themselves up in them. They need a harder throw and a Lori Nichol/Sandra Bezic/David Wilson program if they want to be competitive next year and of course they should keep spending time in London, it's doing wonders for them, and maybe they can learn a thing or two about lifts from the coaches there as well. Their free was the most beautiful of the bunch here. I see what Asher was trying to do with the SP but it doesn't really suit them, I much preferred the initial version they did at the sectionals. The Hungarians' free could also be so tender and special if it was being done by a team with any connection whatsoever. I want justice for Sara and Niccolo at Europeans and Worlds, but they also need to change programs once in a while. Is H/V's coach really powerful or something? What is going on here? What is this shit?

The women's event could've been an email. I'm still shooting daggers at Isabeau's coaching team. The way she can't recover from a mistake is deeply concerning. Amber is being served the national title on a platter this year and she better eat. Rion's skating usually doesn't do anything for me but I kinda enjoyed her here. I still actively dislike Hanna and Loena's SPs. Nina's dress is fabulous but she's the second coming of Alina on those crossovers when I'd rather forget even the first coming. Angel Kaori still doing angel shit, good for her, as an OG stan I'm fucking thriving. All I need is Wakaba back at full brilliance and I'll ascend. I'm so ready for this senior free dance event, I can't even tell you. Hope you feel better soon!

I didn't end up watching any of the junior gpf, but you're making me wanna go back and watch junior ice dance, I may do that!

Ice dance at the GPF could have been an email, I know you said that about women -- and that's fair -- but I really think this ice dance event bored the hell out of me. Same with the free dance I just watched. I skipped half the teams cause I just didn't really care to watch. I am happy F/G got a reality check, and I wish the Italians won, but what are ya gonna do? Go stalk and kidnap judges' families until they do what you want? Maybe?!

Pairs is a wild time, I think H/V have been very consistent this season, despite all their issues off ice, and the judges are into it. I enjoy them as a team, I wish they had better programs, and looked at each other more, but I think they've got a cool future ahead of them. I'm so sad for Deanna and Max, had she done a double axel the title would have been theirs. It is fun the top three teams were within two points of each other, that's a good time for me. The Italians (both teams) put me to sleep, so I don't really remember their skates.

I agree with all your opinions on the women's sp event, amen amen amen.

[atamascolily]

Lily liveblogs: “Resistance Reborn,” part four

When we last left off, Finn and Poe and friends were about to go to a birthday party for one of Maz's smugger friends who has the list macguffin they're after. Please note they're not actually crashing this party for once - Maz got them actual invitations, lol.

Meanwhile, Bratt the Brat comes back to the office and beats Yama to a pulp, only to be taken aback when his superiors commend her for her loyalty in reporting Monti's theft. But he's offered a chance to prove his loyalty if he can fix the mess, even though he's still in denial about Yama and Monti's true allegiances because he’s a sexist asshole.  

The party is awesome - ocean and fish and rich people and smugglers, with the First Order providing security (??). Poe and Finn eat a bunch of sea-themed canapes and banter. It's delightful and I want entire fics of this instead of, like, three pages. They had to bring presents, and one of the other members of Poe's team got the gifts, so it's a surprise to him too when the birthday girl opens it, but it's a dwarf lylek, a spiky hermit-crab/praying mantis creature that stays small "as long as you don't feed it flesh".

The guest of honor is delighted because--who would have guessed?--she used to be an entomologist! I love her, and I'm kinda sad she's a throwaway character, because she's a member of the Collective, the Corellian techie version of antifa, which sounds wayyyy more interesting than the actual book.  

(I was also hoping that the lylek would start devouring canapes when the First Order inevitably breaks up the party and the shooting starts, only for the lylek to get HUGE and start going after stormtroopers... but alas, no, that doesn't happen either. DON'T TEASE ME LIKE THAT, OKAY??)

There's an auction to get the list macguffin as a fundraiser for the Collective and Poe is trying to figure out what the trick is because they're rapidly running out of cash. CorSec breaks up the party in the name of the First Order, which is weird because I thought the FO was providing security, but whatever.

Wedge, Norra, Snap, and Tasa Nasz, the ex-Imperial badass, go to the shipyards to steal ships for the Resistance. There's a Baleen-class freighter, and I love it. They run into Yama Dee, badly injured from Bratt's beating, and we learn that Yama is 15, so Bratt isn't just an abusive asshole, he's a child abuser, ughhh. Our heroes are rightly incensed and vow to help Yama, who is uniquely positioned to give them what they need.

Leia and Rey are sitting around on Ryloth, when... Rey has a bad feeling seconds before the First Order starts taking over (for totally unrelated reasons) and the Resistance forces have to GTFO.

Back at the party, the birthday girl is devastated because her husband was shot in front of her, so she agrees to give Poe the list macguffin for revenge (it's hidden in her jewelry in the form of a snake, which is a nice touch). They jump into a pool to escape the FO, and Finn hauls them out. Poe is afraid she's lost the necklace, but it turns out to come when called, which everyone agrees is awesome.

Bratt attacks the FO officer accusing him of treason and runs back to his office to track down information about Monti the Traitor--only to find Wedge and company with Yama and the escaped prisoners (including Leia's old political friend). Yama confronts Bratt, who denies everything, and Yama is appalled when she realizes she's parrotting his exact same arguments, that she is becoming the same as her abuser.

They fight, only to be interrupted by Teza, who is unsympathetic when she learns Bratt is the one who beat Yama in the first place. She tells Bratt he has a choice: either let Yama continue the beatdown, or she shoots him. Bratt is aghast at the idea of letting Yama beat him, so Teza shoots him and he bleeds out on the floor in astonishment while everyone else walks out. Leia's senatorial friend tries to offer him a hand up, but Bratt bats it away and dies alone and confused.

(Please note that the main reason the ex-Imperial comes along seems to be so she can be the agent of divine justice without our "good" heroes having to get their hands dirty. For all that ST fans like to talk about "edginess" and "grey Jedi" and "moral complexity" in TLJ, this is still Star Wars and our heroes don't shoot (usually) shoot people at point-blank range and leave them to die even when they're assholes.)

Wedge and company meet up with Poe and company, who have lost their own ship, so they steal a FO shuttle and escape with the prisoners and the full list. Since Ryloth is no longer safe, Poe makes a deal with the Collective for a safe haven in exchange for the rest of their credits.

Leia and her old friend have a tearful reunion. Poe makes an inspiring speech about scattering to the winds to become the spark that will burn the FO down. I don't know how much sense that makes in terms of strategy and tactics, but everybody is impressed. Poe has overcome all his angst about Crait and is happy to be--in charge? Second in command? I have no idea how the chain of command even works right now.

Wedge and Norra leave to do their own stuff; Snap wants to go with them, but Poe won't let him. Finn says he's coming with Poe, and that's Rey's cue to show up.

"Where are we going?" Both men turned to find Rey, looking expectant.

Finn grinned. "I didn't want to ask."

Rey grinned back. "You didn't have to."

The two friends laughed, leaning in to touch shoulders in acknowledgment. Rey looked at Poe, eyes narrowed as if unsure. "You don't mind?"

Poe pressed a hand to his heart, giving Rey a small bow. "I'm honored."

She flushed, pleased as he'd hoped she would be.

This is great, and I love it, but this doesn't have as much emotional resonance as it could have because THIS IS LITERALLY THE SECOND TIME IN THIS BOOK THAT ALL THREE OF THEM HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME ROOM WITH EACH OTHER AND REY AND POE HAVE SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER and so it feels like... it wasn't really earned??

Leia is smiling at the three of them in satisfaction because "the Resistance is in good hands" and "she's got us".

Poe slung an arm around Finn's shoulders and pulled Rey in close on the opposite side.

"That's right, Poe said. She's got us.

"Now let's go and save the galaxy."

Again, this is all A++ good, but I don't feel like any of this has been earned. At all. Like, does Poe know anything about why Leia believes in Rey, what Rey can do? They're just all friends now because of Finn even though Poe and Rey barely know each other?? Is he this affectionate with everyone?? I don't mind this closeness, but... it would have been nice to have more of this earlier so it doesn't feel so out of the blue and forced.

Also, what did this book accomplish? So the Resistance has some ships now. It has a few more fighters, they freed a bunch of influential prisoners from the New Republic that the First Order had taken into custody, and they have a list of current and future targets to warn. And they're not dead yet, so that's good.

But Leia and Rey barely got to do anything in this book, Rose is barely there at all, and Finn is only tangentially involved at the end. Most of the plot features Poe, Wedge, and occasionally other characters like Bratt, Snap, and Dross Squadron.

So despite the marketing, which makes it sound like this is an All-Resistance Adventure featuring our main trio, I would say Poe is the protagonist, because he's the only one with a character arc: moving from depressed and angsty over the failed mutiny at Crait to letting go of his failures and moving on to be a leader. There's also a smaller arc with Wedge moving from retired warrior and active farmer back to warrior again, but it's much less nuanced.

Outside of that, though, the book feels like it's tugging in too many direction and not going anywhere near the ones I find most interesting. There are lots of characters I'm expected to care about who are not in the films, and little in the narrative itself makes me want to. (The only reason I know about Leia's friend, for instance, is because I read a summary of Bloodline on Wookieepeedia.) It feels like Disney made a very deliberate decision to make all the plotlines 100% more convoluted and confusing than they needed to be, just so you'd read/buy all the supplementary material, and that is a... choice, I guess. But it makes me grumpy.

Honestly, if I wasn't writing a ST fix-it fic, I wouldn't have bothered with this. I found Resistance Reborn to be adequate, but mostly unexceptional, and occasionally frustrating. The few really delightful bits are when major movie characters are together in the same room, but that is weirdly and woefully rare, and I honestly do not understand what the story group/Disney was thinking here in not making those the meat of the book.

Question: who is Disney's target audience for this book? I'm honestly not sure, and I'm not sure they know, either, and I think this book demonstrates that. Which is... really weird for a billion-dollar corporation intent on milking every last cent out of the franchise, that's all. I don't get it. 

TL;DR:

The Good:

Stormpilot feels (brotp or otp depending on your preferred ship)

the Collective (Corellian techie antifa) 

Poe’s fabulous hair

fancy dress party heist

Wedge’s garden and space chickens

barely any mention of Kylo Ren whatsoever

The Meh:

loads and loads of characters that are not in the movies and therefore hard to keep track of or care

macguffin plot macguffin

cooler plot threads and story ideas are teased and never followed up on (in this book, at least)

The WTF:

movie characters barely interact with each other

assuming they have a role at all

does any of this matter?

feels like filler

[devilishdewitt]

Cinématrographié Cabaret Show, April 2019

The time has come for the second instalment of Cabaret Show Cinématrographié!

Did it sizzle or shine?

 Read on…

The vivacious Alice Shpiller and her beguiling partner-in-crime Katrin Gajndr brought their cinematographic creation back to it’s namesake location - Cinematographie karaoke.

The theme was, fittingly, ”movies”. The audience were encouraged to dress up as their favourite movie characters, but alas, the public is yet to indulge in the wonders of theme dressing.

The evening began with Alice Shpiller appearing as a modern version of the Little Mermaid - lip-syncing to "Part of Your World”, roaming from table to table & live streaming the whole thing. Her costume was just the right amount of camp (more camp than most Met Gala attendees, GOOD MORNING KARLIE KLOSS), and the performance was a sweet little warmup - perfectly in the style of the show, preparing us for what is to come - genuine beauty with a side of charming goofiness .

All was great! Apart from the wig. 

To be honest, the wig made me quite sad.

Actually, to be perfectly frank, that wig was actively upsetting, darling.

It would be a service to mankind if it were thrown away and allowed to succumb to oblivion.

Shpillers’ hosting was definitely more coherent than last time - the jokes landed, the charm was undeniable and she felt more confident and in control. It was truly entertaining - I was equally excited by the acts and the hosting, and it’s a marvellous feeling!

It wasn’t long until we saw the first burlesque performance of the night - Katrin Gajndrs’ “Woman in Red”, inspired by the 1984 film. Dearest reader, I was smitten. The way she moved, the way she looked at the audience, the drive, the passion, the grace, the fun she had - she cast a powerful spell, not a soul went untouched by her classy, sassy performance. One of the best acts I’ve ever seen in Russia. Yes, you’ve read that right. Flawless mix of irony, indulgence & power in her attitude. The moves were sensually precise, she knew what she was doing and oh lordy was she enjoying it! Brava!

However, even her radiance couldn’t outshine the terror that was the stage lights (if they even deserve such a name). Horrible is a word that covers the situation pretty extensively. On a few particularly painful occasions I imagined that the lights from the audiences phones would do a better job than the chaotic colourful mess that this establishment calls “lights”.

However, even they didn’t take away from the excellence of the beginning of the show. Something else did. Or should I say…someone.

Miss April. Honey. Allow me to help.

You have a delicious chance to learn from the best (I mean Gajndr, not myself, you cheeky little thing!).

No lip colour, flat hair, ordinary lingerie, upsetting lack of the most basic acting skills, lack of story, drive and imagination just won’t do.

Especially when you take something as legendary as Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Especially when you’re on stage straight after Katrin. Especially when you have access to the expert advise of Shpiller & Gajndr! 

Dearest reader, I was infuriated.

A slender lady who happens to be a good dancer walks in looking quite mediocre, bites a pastry, takes a sip of coffee, leaves them on the front table (all this is done with no energy whatsoever), goes on stage, takes off her dress, reveals a very basic set of black underwear (not lingerie) and gets in a bed that the stage kittens have meticulously prepared for her.

What for? What is the purpose? What can you possibly add to Holly Golightly? There’s so much that could’ve been done with this number - take the fact that Holly in the book is much more risqué than Holly in the film and dance the night away with your vision of Capotes timeless heroine!

Were they really so desperate for an act they let this half-baked croissant mop around, languidly perusing the stage?

An act of cruel sympathy, blind hope and/or unnecessary cruelty.

Thank goodness we were saved by Kristabel Otem.

Good God how I love that woman.

Sin City.

Need I say more?

Kristabel Otem.

Sin City.

My little noir heart pounded with inexplicable joy.

It hit every mark, was deliciously erotic, devilishly ironic and just wonderfully done.

And then a miracle appeared.

A sublime beauty.

The Swan Tsarevna.

A costume so gorgeous, I believe my jaw did indeed hang loose in the air for a few moments.

How I wish Lisa Alisa did the costume justice.

It’s a fantastic idea - an iconic Russian fairytale heroine, a song by one the best known folk rock bands in Russia…but unfortunately the performer brought her own brand of haste, hurry & dare I say, clumsiness. Someone, please give that girl a stage presence lesson. She’s literally two steps away from truly spreading her gorgeous wings and embracing her undoubtable talent.

After an intermission full of exciting murmurs, Shpiller emerged in a new emploi - Clockwork Orange diva. It worked marvellously well - the look really suited her, the vibe was playfully ultraviolent and her acting was excellent. There was no shedding of the clothes, but it was an enthralling number.

Overall I vigorously applaud the fact that the spotlight was directed at an eclectic collection of fantastic movies. Moving away from the ordinary does an artwork good!

A new incarnation of Lisa appeared - or did it? A tribute to Sally Rand, white costume, white feather fans, it looked a bit too similar to the Swan Princess act and lacked any character development. It was the same act, but with a different costume. Sigh.

And again, the screeches of excitement…I can imagine it working quite well on a few occasions, but at the moment she’s overusing it.

Shpiller! Contemporary dance tribute to “The Raven”! Unexpected, unusual, perhaps somewhat questionable, but she was convincing and clearly had a story to tell.

It’s her show, so why the hell not?

Kristabel performed as a 1920’s detective (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries)  and it was splendid. I just love how she unapologetically shows us different sides of her character - a coy Kristabel? Enchanting!

And then came The Dragon. Oh, dear reader, you might already know that I have a deep admiration for the art of Katerina Sahara. Her Dragon was as enrapturing as the first time I saw it. Despite the fact that there were a few technical mishaps (completely unnoticeable by the spectators, I assure you), and that she herself was not particularly pleased with this performance, it was hypnotising. The power! the smoothness! She immediately transports us all to a dimension of gorgeousness. A fantastic act by a fantastic performer.

Ah! Can you hear it? The time has come for the unavoidable venue promotion!

Ringmaster Alice gathered a group of enthusiastic air-musicians (some of them were real musicians, it seemed), the DJ turned on the karaoke version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and off we went! Alice effortlessly ran from table to table, engaging every single member of the public into everyone’s favourite epic musical number. I do wish she paid a bit more attention to the “band” though, they were left somewhat abandoned on stage while she flew around. It did seem, however, that some of them were indeed entertainers, for they felt quite confident on the stage.

I must say, participating and witnessing it was great fun. Honestly, you can do no wrong with Bohemian Rhapsody, and my God, Shpiller has some pipes!

The grand finale of the night was the famous Cleopatra act by the mistress of the eve, Katrin Gajndr. Bathing in a chalice of real milk, surrounded by two slaves, legends have travelled of the exquisite vision of this act. However, somehow, it just did not deliver. It seemed as if Gajndr was either distracted or upset; there was no energy at all. The slaves were also quite timid and did not do the classic fabulousness of the act any justice. Good morning, this is performing 101 - a smoothing caress of a brush does a wig good.  It’s still a spectacle, of course, but not quite as rich as the majestic Queen of the Nile.

THE FINALE

Ladies, congratulations!

The second instalment of Cinematographie truly was a major improvement from the first show. To put it quite simply, it was fun.

 It was fun! I felt very entertained. Shpiller was feeling her mojo that night, and it was truly intoxicating. Gajndr was extraordinary (yes, even despite Cleopatra not quite rising to the occasion). Lisa Alisa had moments of divine beauty, Sahara stayed true to her fabulous brand, Kristabel revealed more colours of her tremendously intriguing diamond, and Miss April…well, everybody’s gotta start somewhere, right?

Extremely excited to see what they cook up next!

✶✶✶✶

UPDATE

As this review was being prepared, the next show has been announced - July 6th, Yes I Can-Can, in honor of Katrin’s birthday! And at a theatrical venue, too - how very curious!

[nightwingswing]

Special story for the 33+

Thank you my little ‘wings! I’m so happy right now! I hope you like this story and it’s sortof a sequel to  this.

(Promps are open!)

Hope you like it!

After the Christmas party where Bruce proposed to you the household became a nutshell, Alfred and Dick  took upon themselves to  be your wedding planners( SECRETLY), well Alfred made the planning Dick …eagerly helped in everything he can.

“Where do you prefer the ceremony being? The beach? The forest? oh!oh!oh! in the Atalaya! That would be so cool!”

“I don’t think the Justice league would approve, I suggest the beach. It could be a romantic wedding with the sea colored in the pinks, oranges and yellows of the sunset and when they kiss for the first time the moon will be rising in the sky.”

“OMG, Alfred sooooo romantic!”

“I think the two of you have seen to many rom-coms” said Tim looking weirded out at Alfred and Dick’s actions. “And why are you wearing glasses Dick? You don’t need any.”

“What type of wedding planner would I be if I’m not wearing glasses? Also it makes me look fabulous.” Dick said flipping his hair fabulously.

“I don’t know, a normal one?” Tim deadpanned.

“Master Damian is rubbing off on you master Tim”

“HE DOES NO-“

“What’s going on over here?”  You said as you were entering in the living room, where they were “planning”. You dragged your feet over the carpet as you had Damian hugging your waist in a dead grip while whining because “Father doesn’t let me go on patrol, says I’m sick. I ‘M NOT SICK FATHER! THAT WASN’T A COUGHT FATHER! Mommy do something” his face was buried in your shirt. He sure has to be sick if he just called you mommy, but you ain’t complaining.

“NOTHING! THERE IS NOOOOTHING FOR YOU MOM! NO WEDDING PLANS WHATSOEVER HAHAHA!!!” Dick said lying down over the table and all the sheets laying there while laughing nervously. Tim face palmed at Dick’s poor acting. You raised an eyebrow at them.

“Wedding planning?”

“WHAT WEDDING PLANNING? WHO SAID NOTHING ABOUT WEDDING PLANNING!?”

“….You did.”

“I DID? m OM! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Mom???”

“Oh for supes’ sakes! This is stupid!” Tim yelled, eyebrows twitching.

“You are the stupid one, Drake”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU LITTLE RASCAL?!”

Damian seemed to get over his short lived normal childlike moment and teared himself off of you.

“You wanna fight, drake?!” Damian clenched his fist meanwhile Tim looked at him angrily.

“STOP THE TWO OF YOU!” You shouted.” Tim, you go down and tell your father to come up we’re going off to have a NORMAL family dinner. NOW TIM, N O W.” Tim didn’t have to be told twice as he ran to the batcave. Your other two sons tried to escape but failed.

“DICK” He stopped and looked at you like a deer in headlights. He looked at you fearfully.

“yes mommy?”

“You are going to call Luke and Jason-“

“But mom!”

“NO BUTS! BUTTS ARE FOR SITTING! ARE YOU A BUTT DICK ARE YOU?!”

“no mommy!”

“Some other women would not agree with you, Grayson. As they think you are indeed a butt”

“DAMIAN!” Dick yelled outraged.

“DAMIAN! YOU WILL BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL 10 YEAR OLD, YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL GO WITH US TO THIS FANCY RESTAURANT AND YOU WONT FIGHT WITH NO ONE. UNDERSTOOD?”

“Yes, mom!”

“What’s my wonderful fiancée shouting her lugs out for?” Bruce said as he dropped a short loving kiss in your lips. As you were distracted your sons escaped, scared out of their minds.

“Why can’t we have a normal day in this manor?” You hided your face in Bruce’s neck. Kissing his neck. He laughed and hugged you. “But you love it”

“…yeah, I do” you smiled at him. He kissed you and cornered you against the wall, kisses soon became a make out session, his hand inside your shirt searched for your bra.

“Wow, stop right there cowboy. I got to call the girls for our family dinner tonight.”

Bruce’s face fell. You kissed him again.

“If you are a good boy, you will get a prize tonight.” You winked at him. He smirked.

“What prize would that be?”

“Oh well, I’ve just bought a black lace see throught tong with a transparent bra with black lace. I just tough you woul like them, but I was wrong so…”

“NO” You looked at him amused, his eyes we’re blow wide and darkened with lust.

“You want it?”

“Hell yeah”

“So play nice” You kissed him again and leaved the room to call the girls.

“You damn vixen”

///////*****\\\\

All the Batfamily were sitting in this really fancy restaurant, and all was going well, the kids were being civil, Bruce was looking at you with a teasing smirk and Alfred was just sitting there sipping his drink. When suddenly…

“HANDS UP, FOOLS!”

Great.

Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Two face, The Riddler, Penguin and Scarecrow.

Why were they here?

For the sake of the plot… AND COMITING A ROBBERY!!!

“Riddle me this-“

“NO, I’M SICK OF YOUR FREAKING RIDDLES! SHUT UP” Poison Ivy yelled at poor Eddy who only wanted to do his thing.

“Now everybody! Hand over your money and jewelry!”

The Penguin came to your table and taped your ring with his umbrella.

“Hand it over, pretty bird.”

You’ve had enough.

YOU GO OUT ONE FREAKING NIGHT! ONE. FREAKING.NIGHT. AND THOSE ASSBUTTS COME HERE TO FREAKING MUG YOU?!!!

“NO. FREAKING.WAY, ASSHOLE!”

You launched at him, taking his umbrella from him and whacking him on his little head.

“I GO OUT WITH ALL MY FAMILY ONE. FREAKING.NIGHT AND YOU DECIDE THIS NIGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MUG THIS PLACE.”

They looked at you surprised.

“ALL OF YOU ARE GOIG TO DROP THE WEAPONS AND THE MONEY AND YOU WILL GET THE F*CK OUT OG THERE! IF NOT I WILL F*CKING MAIM YOU AND FED MY GOLDFISH WITH YOUR SKIN!”

You looked positively murderous.

Your family looked impressed

The villains looked scared as f*ck.

Wow, look at the Batmom. Is just as scary as Batman, if not more.

“You sure have balls, miss” Harley said “I like that.” She winked at you as Ivy wacked her on the head.

“We’re going now, but not because you are scary or anything. Just we have enough money already”

As they were leaving you heard them say

“She’s just as scary as Batman” Twoface said

“She’s more like a Batmom “ Riddler said “ She was protecting her family “

“More like Batmomma, ‘cos dang I would hit that”

WHACK

“Aiie, Red with do you hit me?! “

“…”

“Are you jealous, red? OOOH YOU ARE!!! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!”

“SHUT UP!”

You huffed and straightened your clothes and went to your table were all your family was looking at you as if you were a goddess.

“What?”

“I just fell in love with you all over again”

“Mom, you’re a badass!” Steph said and Cass noded.

“Totally, did you see the villain’s faces?”

“Yeah, they looked f*cking scared out of their minds!” Jason roared with laughter.

You sat next to Bruce as he whispered in your ear.

“ You know, (y/n) I can’t wait to get you home, tear off your clothes and f*ck you senseless all night long. You got me so aroused right now, that stunt, wow so frecking hot.”

You blushed and smiled at your family’s awestruck expression.

Damian  came next to you and hugged your waist, looking up at you with a awe expression.

“Mom you have to become my teacher. I want to learn to do that”

Your heart warmed at his childlike expression.

“Sure thing, dear.”

“You were so awesome, mom. I’m impressed”

Well, this didn’t go as bad as you thought. You had a good time with your family, you stopped a robbery, you got Damian admiration and a wild night with Bruce.

Yep

A good night, indeed

;)

[theowlsarenotwhattheyremembers]

Episode 1: Dragonstone

Right guys I know you’ll have already watched this but look I only just started this blog and I can’t miss the first episode off also you will benefit from my insights regardless. 

!!!! I have been in a state of extreme agitation all year and I can’t actually cope with the fact that it’s here. I am not emotionally prepared and do not know what I just saw. 

Scene 1: Did everyone else not realise that was Arya and think we were in a flashback? I am so overwhelmed I am just right there in the moment I have no idea what’s about to happen. Then all those ratface (rats are intelligent moral creatures but you know what I mean) Freys start coughing up their own lower organs!! When did Arya learn about poisons? Was her training montage long enough to justify this?? I guess it was! And I know the Freys have deathsentence hospitality karma but baking your sons in a pie and feeding it to you and then dressing up in your corpse and poisoning your entire family - is that an eye for an eye according to whichever god is keeping score in this case? I guess possibly! 

This recap blog is going to have an eye for History and Fable (matters which I know only very modest amounts about but there is google) and the sparknotes on Titus Andronicus on which the pie move is based indicates that it may lead to an ambivalent conclusion:

[After a succession of grisly heinous acts of reciprocal violence, Titus] tricks [Tamora, Queen of the Goths], captures her sons, kills them, and makes pie out of them. He feeds this pie to their mother in the final scene, after which he kills both Tamora and Lavinia, his own daughter. A rash of killings ensue; the only people left alive are Marcus [Titus’ brother], Lucius [Titus’ son], Young Lucius [his son], and Aaron [Tamora’s lover]. Lucius has the unrepentant Aaron buried alive, and Tamora's corpse thrown to the beasts. He becomes the new emperor of Rome.

This does not end well for the pie baker, though I suppose his kin are the ones who ultimately triumph. My male friends will often assume that I, a woman, feel empowered and liberated by the character of Arya, the traumatised magical child murderer. Not so, friends. My favourite liberated Game of Thrones #strongfemalecharacter is the lost unlamented Ros, sex worker from the north invented for TV for the purposes of the early sexposition-heavy plot who voyages down south with the Starks and whose illustrious sex spy career is wastefully cut short by Cunt Joffrey. Ros was working-class woman who fled the north before winter even came, whose talents were picked up by the farsighted Varys and who would have made an incredible Kings Landing player had it not been for the misogyny of Joffrey and the script writers and the twat fans who think the TV has to be like the crappy books which I have not read. Rest in Power Ros, this blog is dedicated to you. 

Anyway I haven’t really recapped anything yet and this blog is already overlong  so let’s get back to it. 

Scene 2: The army of the north are coming!! This is too terrifying, it’s hot outside but I am wrapped in a blanket. There are multiple ice zombie giants as we all knew there would be. Let’s remember that like one living giant almost successfully broke through the gate at Castle Black during the wildling battle ages ago; multiple zombie giants are going to make fucking matchsticks of it no magic required, though they probably also have loads of that, those dragons need to get here pronto. Also why haven’t they iceblocked up the gate like Jon said they should ages ago??

Scene 2.5 (s2 was a vision I guess) Commander Dolorous Edd opens the gate to Meera and Bran, and asks if they are wildlings. Why does it matter? Wildlings can all come in anyway, that’s very much the policy now. Also if anything Bran saying “you were at Hardhome” etc only makes him seem more like a wildling, and a scary one? Anyway, no-one cares / everyone is too spooked to stay outside for long and so thank god poor Meera in particular can have a massive eat and a sleep by the fire. She and her magic and fighting skills have been wasted on being a less effective Hodor / wheelchair substitute, I eagerly anticipate her being given a chance to shine now our kids are back to what passes for civilisation. 

Scene 3: Jon and Sansa are still holding court with the whole Northern gentry from last season. At least all those guys look warm in that nice hall toasting their feet on Winterfell’s famous underfloor heating! That awful bloke from the Vale *googles it* Yohn Royce makes an extremely unreasonable and tactics-free suggestion to demolish some of the last strongholds between them and the wall because of “justice” or whatever. Sansa points out that the castles themselves didn’t commit crimes (top-notch statecraft) but suggests they be given to loyal families to punish treason and reward loyalty. Jon makes a generous decision to let the young Karstarks and Umbers stay in their homes despite their twatty dads, making the good and frankly biblical point that the sons shouldn’t be punished for their fathers’ sins. Sansa is unhappy about this and she is probably a better king than Jon, or rather, I think they are both good kings but need to team up and respect each other, which she is really keen to do but unfortunately is also a woman so this makes things harder for everyone because they have to unlearn misogyny first.

Then she tells Littlefinger who barges in to their important conversation what would make her so happy was if he shut up and fucked off, and not to bother trying to get the last word, she’ll just assume it was clever. Which is a King’s Landing style burn! Please Jon, show that this queen is not wasted on the north. Also please Littlefinger, fuck off and die. 

Scene 4:  I collapsed a couple of bits into one there but I am aware that this is too long already because of my Titus Andronicus and Roslove detour, for which I am unrepentant, tune back in next post for more of the same. ANYWAY, here she is, best villain in GoT. She may be evil, but who wouldn’t be in her position? Cersei marches over a map of Westeros telling Jaime she is already 5 moves ahead of him and has an Armada on the way headed by a man who is desperate to impress her. Everyone thinks Jaime is going to kill her, but might she not kill Jaime? She absolutely has no further fucks to give whatsoever and just wants power and revenge and to die a fabulous drunk old evil empress with ten husbands each more devoted and militarily useful than the last. I hope she dies much sooner than that! I also think she will because she can’t be the one to win the game of thrones. Can she?? Could the alcoholic childless widow of the usurper king really win in the end? She could have more children if she could be bothered probably, if she was in a mood to consider dynastic matters. In this scene, she is not, and is just savouring the prospect of ruling the world asap and as bloodily as you like. 

Scene 5: And here he fucking is! They really did cut down every tree on the Iron Islands! How did they throw this fleet together so quickly! It does not look like they cut corners! Those boats are fucking terrifying!

Is this even scene 5? Cersei and Jaime are immediately there, standing on the balcony, watching Euron’s terrifying Armada approach. Everything is happening extremely fast. This is not like the midseasons when everyone was walking painfully slowly around the Riverlands. Why do they have to get it all over as quickly as possible? Have they run out of money? I am no less overwhelmed than ever.

Scene 6: Thesp Goth Euron woos Cersei by saying she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and promising to give her a priceless gift to get to her woman’s heart. This is very tacky but it kind of confirms her power as actual queen and is a highpoint so far since the nadir of the Walk of Shame. Do you think the wildfire explosion of all the King’s Landing gentry and the Sparrows was the highpoint? Maybe that was the violence highpoint, and this is the statecraft highpoint. Also Euron’s “gift” is going to be more violence, and he also offers up his “two good hands,” at which Jaime, on behalf of us all, recoils. 

Cersei seems likely to graciously accept the first gift before declining the second. Has her Sparrows experience taught her not to unleash forces against her enemies which she then cannot control and which then turn on her? Probably not!

I hate that sleazy prat Euron and can’t believe that Fantasizr drafted him into my Game of Game of Thrones league. Any points I get for him are a badge of shame (I got 15 for this scene). 

Scene 7: Sam stars in music video soup poop library montage! Sam during this is confirmed as the fat nerd with a goatee and slicked back hair avatar of the show’s condescending idea of what a GoT fan looks like, corroborating the theory that Sam is actually the narrator / the Perspective from which the story is seen. Sam nicks some useful books after Jim Broadbent tells him he believes but doesn’t care that the White Walkers and the Long Night are coming. There is science going on in the Citadel, medical science involving weighing organs. This science needs to be more applied. Incidentally everyone, Game of Thrones is not medieval, it is Early Modern:

What Martin actually gives us is a fantasy version of what the historian Alfred Crosby called the Post-Columbian exchange: the globalizing epoch of the 16th and 17th centuries. A world where merchants trade exotic drugs and spices between continents, where professional standing armies can number in the tens or hundreds of thousands, where scholars study the stars via telescopes, and proto-corporations like the Iron Bank of Braavos and the Spicers of Qarth control global trade. It’s also a world of slavery on a gigantic scale, and huge wars that disrupt daily life to an unprecedented degree.

[…] even the medieval aesthetics of the show owes a debt to the 16th and 17th centuries. As any scholar of the The Fairie Queene will tell you, Renaissance literature is replete with tales of chivalry, jousting, dragon-slaying, and magic. Writers from Spencer to Cervantes displayed and abiding fascination with these medieval tropes precisely because they were witnessing their demise. And our modern conception of the Middle Ages, which emerged out of the Victorians’ fascination with Neo-Gothic and Pre-Raphaelite aesthetics, was actually based upon these early modern retellings of medieval life.

So why, outside of dorky pedantry, does any of this matter? Because fantasy worlds are never just fantasy. They appeal to us because they refract our own histories and speak to contemporary interests. George R.R. Martin’s fantasy has grown to enormous popularity in part because of its modernity, not its “medieviality.”

Scene 8: Back at Winterfell, we get to see Tormund’s brilliant face he puts on when he looks at Brienne:

To me this is adorable rather than creepy because though Tormund is a sex pest, it feels like this comes from a place of respect and genuine adoration. Also Brienne could dispatch him devastatingly before he knew what was happening and he absolutely knows it. 

Actually this scene is where Sansa delivers her burn to Littlefinger, but onwards!

Scene 9: The unforgivable casting and all-round existence of Ed Sheeran aside, this scene was bad because of the insufferably one-dimensional laid-on-thick Simple Honest Country Blokeness of the Lannister soldiers. Arya is obviously considering whether or not to kill them, do you think? But they are so Nice she reconsiders. 

The fact that she is still more than capable of affection, forming relationships, caring about people and so on, as also witnessed by that actor mother figure she befriended last season, indicates that despite ongoing trauma (actor murdered horribly in front of her, like all her friends) she is not the cold psycho she sometimes pretends she is. She is not Cersei (yet anyway). This is the point of this scene. Also to confirm that she is working through her list and Cersei is next. 

Scene 10: More redemption of traumatised killer characters! The Hound is riding with the Brotherhood Without Banners in a frozen bucolic twilight. What an adorable combo! Lines like “Why are you always in such a foul mood?” “Experience” and “There is no Divine Justice, you dumb cunt. If there was, you’d be dead” indicate that the BwB bring out the best in my bff @lasophus’ favourite character. They stop at the place where The Hound robbed those innocent country folk a few seasons back, as we were reminded of in the excitingly scored Previously sequence at the beginning. They have subsequently died of starvation-related causes as he and Arya predicted they would at the time. The Hound is now sorry and sees a vision in the flames of the Army of the Dead and buries the bodies of his victims and says some adorable words over them. The Hound’s redemption story is much more moving and interesting and spiritual than Jaime’s (a plotline I name “Choozy the Floozy” because of its Manichean orbit around his two love interests Evil Cersei and Good Brienne). But meanwhile the dramatic irony is killing us viewers at home! That poor little girl and her dad are going to rise as wights!! 

Scene 11: Sam fails to impress by finding out in the stolen restricted classified high-importance books that he was sent to the Citadel to read something that Stannis already told everyone but they ignored because he was too boring to listen to (what a merciful death that was at the hands of Can She Do No Wrong Brienne): Dragonstone needs to become an opencast Dragonglass mine asap. Which is a pity as Dragonstone is such an arresting work in the ‘dragon-brutalist’ style popular at the time of Aegon the Conquerer (which we will be admiring in the next scene but one). Sam fires off a raven to Jon which I hope will not be intercepted by some library rules-stickler maesters. 

Also it’s nice to see Gilly and Little Sam looking so well-dressed and -fed in this scene. Gilly, a sexual abuse survivor subaltern from a wintry hellhole with an evil father and who would otherwise have become an ice zombie by now, is far, far south, in a land where you can still get away with dressing lightly, inside a city which according to awoiaf “is surrounded by massive, thick, high stone walls.” Also their flat looks really nice.

Well done Gilly.

Scene 12: Jorah! Things have not gone well for you! Jorah is an obsessively lovelorn prisoner in a well-regulated, proto-humane leper colony. I guess actually that going to the seat of all worldly learning was a good move, but your terrible disease is going to need more than trolley gruel and a clean cell to be cured. Thankfully Our Sam is wearing gloves when Jorah does his unnecessarily dramatic Ghoul Grab. 

Scene 13: Our queen is coming home and everyone has put on eyeliner for the occasion! The general drift of the season’s wardrobe has been towards a kind of moody, shoulderpads-and-eyemakeup, subdued-charcoal-tones vibe. Everyone is looking great. Especially Cersei actually when she was receiving (at safe distance) Euron, and now Daenerys is looking wonderful too, with fine dragony detailing on her the tips of her shoulderpads. Actually Sansa had this look too, “Goth Military Queen” is clearly going to be massive this season. 

Daenerys has a moving moment with the Westerosi sand when she comes ashore. We have been waiting 6 seasons for this. Oh my god. 

I hope all the dragonglass mining won’t damage these amazing rock formations too much! 

This scene is mainly going to be recapped in screenshots.

A gorgeous example of Early Modern Dragon Brutalism.

Art throne

Fucking YES!

[devilishdewitt]

The 2019 Moscow Burlesque Festival

Oh my.

First things first, the most important part of any review I shall ever write:

~The Eternal Disclaimer~

It is hereby declared that this little nook of the world wide web shall be devoted to the praise & critique of the art of Burlesque, specifically in Russia.

Let it also be known that I am first and foremost a benevolent force, and every single criticism is documented solely for the purpose of evolution, growth and inspiration, darling.

Never forget - it is fantastic that the burlesque scene in Russia has grown so much in the last few years. Brava, ladies! As a fact and a statement, it is absolutely fabulous.

However, I volunteer to wear the heavy crown of expertise, having seen many a show in many a place, and having a keen eye for detail and a heart hungry for that wow factor.

I always come with an open heart, am quite easily entertained, and know how hard the craft is - I can overlook many a fault when there’s stage presence, charisma and that fire of passion.

Oh, and self-irony.

All is sickly without self-irony.

Now, onwards! To fabulousness!

The Moscow Burlesque Festival is an annual event that began in 2018.

It is organised by Lyalya Bezhetskaya, a legend of Russian burlesque (it is widely acknowledged that she is responsible for bringing the genre into Russia in 2006, after studying in London) and Alexandra (Leela) Zharkaya, who is a director and a writer.

The theme of the 2019 festival was “History of Burlesque/Feminine Sexuality through history”, 1899-2019.

The organisers have announced that they wish to move away from the usual classic structure of a festival in favour of a more theatrical approach - have a storyline, not just a succession of acts.

The place of action was the fabulous Moscow Hippodrome, specifically it’s “Astoria” restaurant.

My story shall be divided into three parts, beginning with

HEAVEN

What was great about this event?

First of all, THE VENUE. It was simply sumptuous. Everything, from the name to the location, every single interior (apart from the bathrooms, perhaps, but that is of little importance) was oozing with promise of glamour.

The stage was of an inspiring size and seemed quite well-equipped for such a performance. The waiters were an absolute delight - the uniforms and hair-styles were at times more exciting than those of the performers, and their kind and slightly sly attitudes made the prolonged waiting time fly by.

THE GATHERING OF THE GUESTS was also done well. The welcome hall featured a small number of stands (soft, simple, almost minimal lingerie, gorgeous accessories and a variety of headpieces). Though scaling down from last years bazaar, it was still dainty and delightful. The display of curious dresses proved to be a fruitful topic of conversation, and the champagne pyramid was a lovely touch.

THE LECTURE about the history of lingerie was superb - I could listen to Megan Virtanen all day long. It was truly splendidly educational and entertaining in the most classy, intellectual way.

It was quite curious to see the performers roam freely during the guest arrivals. To see their immaculate costumes up close…what a treat! Lyalya Bezhetskaya, mistress of the evening, looked particularly breathtaking, and her dignified opening speech was full of poise and class.

Also worth mentioning are the illustrations for the festival - the logo & the set of postcards are absolutely brilliant. The style of drawing is very elegant, and every single lady from those postcards is an inspiration!

Kitty Orlova’s Jazz Band accompanied all acts 1899 to 1959, and goodness me were they spectacular. The idea itself is absolutely genius and was executed with charming efficiency. Excellent musicians!

The Marshmallows, a retro-style singing trio responsible for the music break, are a gift to this world and to Moscow in particular. Impeccable singing, impeccable style, impeccable attitude. The dancers (The Jiving Rockets) that graced the stage during their performance moved with such ease, joy and class…that whole performance was a dream come true for this little retro snob.

As for the performances, I have my own holy trinity of divinity.

Katerina Sahara, Tamasinushka & Xana Martin.

Katerina was responsible for bringing the 30’s to life, and oh dear God it was extraordinary. To be quite frank, dear reader, it was everything I ever want to see in a classical burlesque act. Who knew that the goddess of twerk would embody a thirties diva with such ease? She did it like a natural - from the mood through the tight curl of her hair and to those eyebrows (which are very hard to pull off, darling). Brava, immaculate.

You might remember my main critique of Tamasinushka - self-indulgence without a shade of irony, a confidence that turns sour. Boy did she prove me wrong! Something clicked for her that night and the results were breathtaking. Could not take my eyes off her - she uncovered a tenderness and fragility that immediately elevated her to greatness. Appearing in the end of the show, she was The Ultimate Embodiment of Burlesque, one might suspect? (as you might understand, dear reader, it was not quite clear). Whatever she was, she was a feast for the eyes.

Xana Martin was a stand-out for me last year, and I couldn’t wait to see what she would do this year. She did not disappoint! Representing the 90’s, she brought her own fire and gorgeous skills and married them beautifully with the aesthetic. Queen of the Night indeed! You can see that she LIVES on stage, and that passion is contagious. Electrifying performer!

However, we do also have....

LIMBO

Regretfully, there was a bit of tension before the start of the show.

As guests were taking their places in the main auditorium, they were informed that a deposit must paid for the services of the restaurant. That is in every way to be expected and all tickets did specify that this will be the case.

However, an exact sum was demanded - and it was the same as the ticket price.

Many people have expressed their surprise and inability to pay the full sum (it was a slightly-higher-than-average price tag for most table seats).

It was Lyalya herself who came to speak to each confused customer, and once again, her grace and poise were on point.

However, the situation progressed and Ms Bezhetskaya appeared on stage, and began to address the issue without the aid of a microphone. The speech was a perfect example of passive-aggressive, we even got a treat of a threat - “the festival will not begin until everyone has paid some sum of money. Or shall we all just cancel it right now?”.

The situation had to be addressed, of course - but not by Lyalya.  A Queen must have her loyal subjects - her mastery lies also in the ability to delegate, to wisely guide and trust. Unfortunately, this incident brought the mood down (which could’ve been resolved with a good warm-up!) and it seemed to stiffen Lyalya herself up - somehow all her numbers seemed impeccably rehearsed, but rather lifeless. And I don’t mean in an ethereal, dreamingly detached way - unfortunately, I mean in a distracted way.

Also, let me tell you about a lady that I find to be incredibly captivating -

 Kitty Orlova.

She is a vision and a titanic talent, but her presence went somewhat amiss.

She had two acts in the very beginning of the show, singing and undressing.

The first was the opening song explaining the premise of the story, the second one was her being a museum statue that comes to life.

Orlova is star material, but it feels as if she wasn’t given a chance to shine.

I couldn’t help but wonder, why is she in a creative union with Bezhetskaya? I’m not sure it does her justice.

The story that was chosen for the narrative of this event was a clear echo of last year - Lyalya’s fiancee comes to see her perform, is shocked by the fact that she’s undressing and breaks the engagement. She answers by cursing  him - I mean, literally casting a curse - he shall fall helplessly in love with performing beauties only to be ignored by them.

The curse will last a 100 years.

Which leads us straight to….

HELL

How did Zharkaya & Bezhetskaya, the infamous duo, sabotage a nearly foolproof idea?

I’m afraid that style plays a crucial part here. Style, or lack of thereof.

However, style is an extremely touchy and subjective topic, so I shall begin with more objective points.

1) Lack of proper introduction, aka NO WARM-UP.

If you are a seasoned admirer of the art of the tease, dear reader - or, in fact, if you’ve been to a single proper Burlesque show - actually, to any live performance of anything ever — you know that the relationship between audience & performer is crucial. In Burlesque this connection is especially vital, as a good cheer elevates both the (perhaps somewhat awkward) spectator and the performer (who by their nature crave reaction, it is their stage fuel).  

So when the audience at this so-called festival received NO warm-up whatsoever, what followed? Awkward silences. I heard and saw a few single enthusiasts let out an occasional cheer-and-clap, but they were met with icy stares of misunderstanding from the frozen, confused crowd.

2) No act introduction.

I find this especially surprising, since Miss Lyalya herself specifies on her Facebook page that amongst the things of outmost importance to her is the way she’s announced. “The right presentation creates the required, necessary aura around any performer, but especially - the Queen of Burlesque”. (She does specify that the title has a tinge of irony, even though it did not shine through on this particular night).

The ladies simply appeared on stage, accompanied by change of background projection and a scene with the male protagonist (the cursed one).

In the very end, the actor did attempt to introduce each performer, but was drowned out by the music…clearly the sound engineer was as confused as most attendees.

As there was no programme, the only way to find out who you saw on stage was either to come up and ask or use the internet.

Both are bearable, but still - the fact that there was no proper announcement is simply disrespectful.

3) Every story told through male presence.

The actor (Maxim Loginov) was on stage most of the time.

What was he doing? Ogling.

Ogling.

Honestly, for what purpose?

This is 2019, ladies. Surely the story of feminine sexuality can be told without the aid of a male protagonist.

Perhaps if it were done more tastefully, it would work better, but here it simply looked clumsy.

Which naturally leads us to the two main problems.

First of all, it was not a festival, and not a burlesque one, either.

Was it a show? Of course!

But clearly the premise of creation was not that of a festival - which is perfectly fine, just don’t call it a festival, darling!

There is a reason why the classic approach became a classic - because it works!

A festival is a showcase of talent, a wider view on a topic that unites those who might feel the need to be in opposition. It’s a place of connection, expansion and exchange.

And this grudge-holding/envy-drinking/unhealthy competition air in the community is not doing any one any favours.

Furthermore, most of the acts had nothing to do with Burlesque.

Pregnant tribal dance by Armata Hari? Captivating! But what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Attitude walking and whip-handling by Fetish Mari? Juicy! What’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Half-naked & lazing around high on a hazy stage? My Tuesday morning, honey, but what’s it got to do with Burlesque? (and what a waste of the playful genius that is KittenTits McGee!)

Prancing around in your own space-age fantasy? Well, why not, but what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Expert blade skills by Tamara Skarzhinsky? Breathtaking! But what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Mia Zarring, a sumptuous DJ? Fantastic!  But what’s it got to do with Burlesque?

Can this show exist? Of course it can!

If it were simply “the exploration of female sexuality on stage, 1899-2019”, it would be a completely different story. A variety of genres would be welcomed!

But what’s the point of calling an event “The Moscow Burlesque Festival” and not giving Burlesque itself enough attention?

However, even that is not the biggest issue I had with the event.

I’m afraid that he ultimate description for this creation would be two words.

Tone. Deaf.

The line between vulgar and vivacious in Burlesque is a tricky thing, but it does exist.

It was simply quite poorly written, and some creative decisions were plainly crass.

From the aforementioned man (the actor is perfectly fine, it’s the circumstances he was put in and the way he was directed that’s problematic), a white Josephine Baker number (with the talents of the brilliant Ellisha Fox completely misused. He is surely NOT an accessory to Leela’s cold dancing), to Lyalya’s army number which shocked me quite horribly. War as entertainment? Throwing a grenade at the audience? I understand the playful, metaphorical subtext that was, perhaps, (hopefully!) intended, but it looked vulgar.

But nothing was as vulgar as the final kiss between producer and director…completely uncalled for, painfully serious, it had the aesthetic value of pretentiously cheap, lifeless porn.

Rueful.

Although, what can you expect from a director who blatantly announces this in her festival promoting video:

“I am an actress of eccentric burlesque. Do you know what eccentric burlesque is? It’s when during my act I will have sex with men...women...leopards...bananas...and so on. Come.”

Needless to say, this crass formula has nothing at all to do with Burlesque.

Oh good Lord, and that poor stage kitten’s styling…for what sins must she suffer so?…

It goes without saying that we should have an array of different styles and approaches, and comparisons are a sickly business. However, a painfully clear parallel comes to mind almost instantly.

While Pavlova declares “Down with the patriarchy” with elegant defiance, Bezhetskaya seems stuck within the limits of her disastrous “School of Burlesque” online series (shockingly vulgar, and not in an exciting, tingly way).

I’m afraid that events like this are the reason why so many people still associate the fine art of Burlesque with vulgarity.  ✶✶

THE FINALE

But there is a solution. In fact, a glorious one.

The creation of a truly splendid festival - in the full sense of the word.

Russia is blessed with an extraordinary kaleidoscope of burlesque enthusiasts.

Unite Pavlova, Gajndr, Shpiller, Bezhetskaya and put on a remarkable feast of talent.

How’s that for a spectacular challenge?