#i definitely overthought this but oh well I had fun

[pedge-stuff]

strawberry margs (pedro pascal x gn/m!reader)

a/n: same vague universe as “marked,“ per usual, yada yada.

happy belated labor day, y'all! tip your servers and thank your union reps.

(my union is on strike rn and, while it is ass, I'm very grateful for the people who are working hard to secure a better future for all of us. wga strong!)

summary: a totally normal labor day cookout with no big announcements whatsoever.

—————————————————————————

"Hey!" Pedro is slightly out of breath, flushed from the cocktail and the dry heat. Sometime in the fifteen minutes he's been gone inside the house, a tiny sombrero-on-a-headband has made its way onto his head. 

He plants a kiss on your temple, slinging an arm over your shoulder; the man gets a little possessive, after a couple drinks, but not in an unpleasant way. There's a pitcher of pre-mixed margaritas on the picnic table, and only a thin finger of the same drink left in his plastic cup. You squeeze the hand that now rests on your right shoulder. 

"Are you having fun?" 

Truthfully, yes. Parties usually aren't your vibe, and you'd been nervous about this one, for some reason. Had expressed as much to him, beforehand.

Oscar and Elvira usually host in the summer, the little patio attached to their apartment far surpassing anyone else’s outdoor space in the city. No reason at all to be nervous— you were just here, for the 4th of July, alone, kindly invited while Pedro was still filming in Morocco. (And oh, how the summer had changed.) Had been here almost every weekend since then, while things were shut down. 

But, this was the first party since… well. Since you’d put a ring on it, so-to-speak. 

The social etiquette of the whole thing has you flummoxed. Are you supposed to tell people? Is that annoying? Do you just not say anything? Wait for them to notice? Take the rings off and break up so you don’t have to do this at all? 

Ultimately, these are Pedro’s friends, so it’s been Pedro’s call. Not that you communicated that to him. Which might have been a mistake. Regardless, you’re deferring to him, despite the pit of stupid anxiety it left in your stomach leading up to the party. 

Not that you’re not proud of the ring, either. You couldn’t be fucking happier. Social anxiety is a tricky thing, apparently. (You might have way, way overthought all of this.) 

“Yeah,” you smile at Pedro, shaking cobwebs of shitty thoughts from your brain. “Yeah, this is lovely.” 

Another kiss, this one soft on your lips. He tastes a little fruity, some kinda flavored syrup in the margaritas. You’d accidentally opted for an IPA that tastes like ass, so you’re just carrying around the can as a prop. His fingers are sticky from something, you discover, as he licks them clean.

The arm around your shoulder steers you towards the long picnic table, around which most of the party is gathered: the hosts, and a few extended family members you’ve definitely been introduced to, before. Sarah is here, with Holland, which is a nice surprise. The kids are deep into a game of corn hole, in the small grassy area. 

You settle at the table, folding chair pulled flush against Pedro’s. A large hand palms above your knee, exposed below the inseam of your shorts. The sun is warm on your skin, fingers wet from the condensation of the can you’re pretending to nurse.  

“— the AMPTP doesn’t know what they’re talking about,” Holland is saying, from where you’ve entered the conversation. 

Oscar’s brother, whose name you should know by now, laughs. “Been four months now, though,” he shrugs. “You think someone would’ve budged by now, but—“ 

"Woah, woah." From his perch on his wife's lap, Oscar points, looking scandalized. “What the fuck is that!" 

Pointing, unexpectedly, at the ring on your finger. 

"Uh." Pedro's looks sheepish. 

"You're joking!" A hand dramatically clutches his heart, while Oscar swoons against Elvira. "I'm wounded. Sarah, did you know about this?" 

Across the table, she raises a glass, mockingly. "I picked out the ring." 

"That's not true—" Pedro begins to protest. 

"—Sorry, I forced him to make a fucking decision because he'd been agonizing over three options for like a month." 

Pedro shrugs. "I wanted it to be perfect," he says sheepishly, "sue me!" 

"No, no, backup," Oscar says. "I don't care about the rings. I can't believe you didn't tell me!" 

"I can," Elvira offers, "you've got a big mouth." 

He groans. "It's not like it was a secret!" 

Loud interruptions from across the table. "It was absolutely a secret, that's the whole point!" 

Oscar throws a hand up. "You already act like you're married, is anyone surprised about this?" 

"You were surprised." 

"I was surprised you didn't tell me! Wounded, frankly. Irredeemably. To the core." 

"Are you done?" Sarah rolls her eyes, squeezing Pedro's shoulder affectionately. "About damn time, but we're happy for you." 

She gestures at Oscar. “Yeah, yeah, we’re happy for you.” 

“With feeling this time.” 

“Guys,” Pedro interjects, “I wasn’t keeping anything from you. It happened two days ago!” 

He launches into the tale, eggplants and double-rings and all. The hand stays planted on your knee, and you take advantage, laying yours on top to thumb over the band on his ring finger. Someone tops Pedro off, and you reach for a sip— strawberry, you determine, is the marg syrup. You’re not really listening, but you lean back, content to watch him retell the story. 

The next time he kisses you, as the sun sets into the Brooklyn skyline, you taste like strawberries, too. 

[wingsofescape]

hello fellow FMA-brain rot friend! i love your fic and am eager to know what happens next with ed and al (hopefully!) reuniting. questions: 11, 17, 20, 21 (would you ever collaborate with a fanartist on a work?), 76 Thank you for taking the time!

Omg hi friend!! So so happy that you love my little brain rot baby, it means the entire world. I promise you Ed and Al will be reuniting. They have a lot of untangling to do, but I'm sure they'll figure it out :)

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

I am SO behind on my fanfic TBR! However, three that I frequently re-read:

Capra by @liathgray

Delicate by @lantur

there is no peace here, war is never cheap dear by @darkpersonapeace

But also special mentions to @mildly-nerdy @asthmaticbee @woahpip @x-rainflame-x @applejellybeansstuff @maples-pages for their amazing writing and fics, you should definitely check them out! (Apple is also working on a CoS Edwin fix-it in case you need more of the blorbos)

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Scream, cry, throw up and tell myself I'm useless and no one likes my writing anyway so what's the point

Then, once I get myself together, I go for walks with instrumental music in my ears which usually helps, I read other books and fics to see how different authors have pulled off what I'm trying to write, watch movies to see how the characters express their emotions, and talk it out with my friends, which usually helps me with plot holes and scene placements, and then at some point, something unlocks. But it can sometimes take quite a while (case in point, chaper 9 is doing my head in)

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

Oh man, YEAH! I tend to use the eyes for expressions a lot, "a heavy silence fell over them" "she softly shook her head", my imagery tends to revolve around fire, water, nature... there's a lot more that I forget. Is there anything you've picked up on?

21. Would I ever collaborate with a fanartist on a story?

HELL YES, that would be a dream! Fanart is always appreciated and I will sob happy tears.

71. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of in the cracks of light?

I kinda wish there had been a scene with drunk Edwin flirting before I put Ed through recovery, but oh well.

So far it hasn't been so much about ideas not making the cut, it's more about initial ideas I've had being transformed and refined into something more plot relevant that also raises the stakes.

Like at first I was going to have Ed just having started to date Winry's counterpart before she suddenly dies and the real Winry shows up. But then I thought it would be much more fun for him to "see" Winry coming through the Gate and also having Winry's counterpart be Sarah and Yuri's dead daughter to have a parallel between the parents who lost a daughter and the daughter who lost her parents. yes I'm evil, what about it

Also, the mystery plot was initially going to be a lot more straightforward, with Roy immediately knowing Jake was lying and figuring out Winry had been yeeted to the other world. Then I thought (overthought) more about it and went "hmm but what if this happens, and what if that happens" and... yeah. Initially it was going to be a lot more "narrow", with only Winry, Ed, Al, Roy and Riza as the characters we saw most, but it has now evolved to include Armstrong, Sciezka, Rose, Maria Ross, Fritz, Sarah and Yuri, Russell and Paninya.

And lastly, I thought it would be 10k at most... now we're looking at 100k, if not more.

Thank you so so much for your questions, I have you enjoyed my mini-novel of answers!

[coolblackmetal666]

PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST, IGNORE IT. I AM INDULGING IN MY WORST TENDENCIES AND AM BASICALLY JUST WRITING THIS FOR MYSELF!

Okay, as the premier internet trans kurtologist (after Imogen Binnie of course), I have some THOUGHTS about that interview with Courtney Love on 60 songs that explains the 90s lol.

(Yes, I know that it's immoral to speculate on a public figures gender. However, I am an irredeemably evil person who deserves the chair. Sorry. Life is more fun on the dark side.)

Honestly, there were parts of the interview that were specifically adressed to me, or rather might as well have been lol. It feels like she was addressing questions he she thinks that people in general are asking themselves, but no, Courtney. Courtney! I am the only person in the universe that have overthought things enough to be asking these questions! Like, that whole bit about not liking "the canonised, castrated version of Kurt" is vague enough that people won't catch on and also clear enough that anyone in the know also know that you're also discussing the trans issue.

(There is no way Courtney hasn't found that part of the internet yet. No chance. She has been super online since 19freakin'94. There's also no way she doesn't completely despise that discussion, both for reasonable reasons that anyone who knew Kurt might think it's gauche to speculate, but also for extremely shitty unreasonable reasons.)

However, jumping directly from that to discussing "oh, we did all of that stuff with the red hair and those outfits to uglify him" kind of sounds like a non sequitur to basically ANYONE BUT ME! Sure, most Nirvana fans know like the rough timeline of when Kurt had that hairstyle or whatever. I am basically the only person in the world who has been obsessive enough to go through the timeline and notice how drastically, suddenly Kurt Cobain's presentation of himself changed at the end of 1991. Like, there's a very clear delineation between how Kurt presented himself before that point and after. It was also around that time that YOU started sending him love letters where you called him your girlfriend lmao. Very mysterious indeed.

And yeah, when you said that Kurt had "red pill issues" and "we wouldn't know where he would have landed politically" I actually believe you. Kurt seems to have been a mess both politically and privately. However, that whole thing about being bothered about the "castrated, canonised version of Kurt" is horsecock. In Patty Schemel's book, she VERY CLEARLY stated that Kurt hated taking on that masculine role and that YOU pressured him and talked him into it lol. Also, didn't you, after the funeral, go up to Dany Goldberg and say say "Kurt and I always said we wanted to be like Dany and Rosemary. The problem was that we both wanted to be Rosemary".

So yeah, it honestly seems like Courtney was much more concerned about Kurt being seen as masculine than Kurt ever was. I mean, she did actually marry someone we know for a fact was an (at the time) closeted trans woman, and what that former spouse of yours has said on that topic honestly speaks for itself lol.

So yeah, we can't definitively say anything about Kurt's gender because that fucking weeb is, tragically, dead. However, Courtney's attempts at deflection honestly just makes me even more convinced about my version of events. I mean, she seems to have wanted to debunk them, but I'm basically the only one who wasn't there who has that version of events in my brain. Oh well, lol.

Oh, by the way, hi Courtney! I know that there is a very real risk that you'll be reading this post since you are the most terminally online public figure I know. I'll just say that if you do read this, you were actively searching for this content lol. I'm not Magdalene Visaggio blasting it out for all of the internet to see. I wouldn't, even if I had access to such a platform, because even I have standards. I don't want to discuss this stuff where Kurt's living friends and relatives can see it. So, if something here makes you angry, it's your own gosh dang fault! :)

[dan-trashcan]

okay, one for you. top 10 JM songs from the whole discography, please. then rank the records - i wanna know what your faves are, too!

Dude this was sooooo hard. I legit love like most of their discography. Trying to narrow it down to just 10 seemed impossible so I’m gonna do 15. My initial list was like 30 songs deep so I’m leaving off a bunch of my favs. Anyways this is what I came up with. I went through my Spotify and took the songs I’ve played the most and tried to rank them. No I’m not happy with this. Yes I tried as best I could. The order is subject to change. (Side note: I finally (FINALLY) saw them live for the first time in august and I had the time of my life. I lost my voice and my neck was sore for like a week. I’m getting too old to rock that hard but I had to show out for jm. The crowd was great and the pit was a good size. Fun and friendly in all the ways a great punk show should be. Plus they sounded fantastic. It was a pretty surreal moment for me considering the amount of concert footage of them I’ve watched on YouTube.)

1. Catalina Fight Song

2. Falling in Love Again

3. Call Out

4. Eighteen

5. Beach Community

6. Big Lie

7. Leather Jacket

8. Bride of Usher

9. In the Army Now

10. Tame

11. Orange Julius

12. Chumped

13. If I Needed You There

14. Victoria

15. Last You Heard Of Me

Honorable mentions: constant headache, constant nothing, the jerk, done right discount flooring, violent inside, gotta let it go, up the punx, heart tattoo, i know why, house warning party, this song is a mess, don’t try, heated swimming pool, every other song they’ve written except for falling out of love with you

As for albums:

1. Never Hungover Again - the perfect marriage of where they started and where they would go. I’ll never get tired of this record

2. S/T - the instant classic

3. Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired - the most whiplash inducing record. Yeah Barry hates it but I ride for this album. It’s fuckin awesome

4. 40 oz to Fresno - the return to form

5. Songs From Northern Torrance/Collection - yeah SFNT needed the old chumped on the bus and maybe a couple more off ew gross. Still rules tho

6. Cody - the one that I needed the most time with. Straight up didn’t like it at first. I’ve since come around to it

7. MDTKM - it’s ranked last but I still like it a lot. It’s got some duds but also some of the most underrated songs. Wildflowers, friends that we met online, up the punx, of course big lie. It’s got some major tunes for me

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays In Existentialism: Nerd 13

Previously on Nerd

“One more time,” Lexa called out, walking backwards to the other end of the lane, her sneakers kicking up some dust as she moved and watched the playback on her phone. 

“Your girlfriend is a little intense, eh?” Evan asked as he followed Clarke back to the start of their scene. 

Clarke looked up and wiped a little sweat from her brow as she watched Lexa move with Luna, talking about something, watching her phone while Luna juggled a camera and a script that’d seen better days. The messy waves were tamed, tied up and hidden by a baseball hat from her sister’s university, well-tattered and sweat-lined. The sleeves on her shirt were rolled up, exposing a slight bit of bicep, her jeans were caked in dirt and mud. 

“She’s hot though, right?” 

“I’m not answering that.” 

“I’ll allow you to answer it just this once.” 

“In a weird way, yeah, I guess,” he shrugged. “Ow! What the fuck?” 

“She’s super hot in a normal way,” Clarke informed him after socking his arm. 

“I meant like, I never considered it. Like, weird in a way I hadn’t considered. I’d prefer not to think of her like that, but you made me.” 

“Good, and you’ll never think of her like that ever again.” 

“Let’s give it one more go, and this time, Evan, I want you to pause before you answer Clarke. I want her words to ring for a moment. Play it how you think your character would feel it. Just for fun.” 

He nodded and Clarke smiled at how serious Lexa was, how intricately she thought about the scene. They’d been at it for three weeks and were nearly finished, toiling away after school as best they could, and Clarke found that she didn’t think she was the world’s greatest actress, but that she did enjoy seeing her girlfriend doing something she was insanely passionate about. There’s a bit of magic in seeing someone happy about something they enjoy. As silly as it might have seemed, Clarke let her imagination wonder to the idea of Lexa actually achieving her dream, of making things. She jumped twenty years, and Lexa was the exact same person, but different, but better, somehow. It was silly, but it helped. 

“Notes for me, sir?” she ventured. 

“You’re perfect. Keep being perfect.” 

As silly as it was again, Clarke smiled proudly and ignored the eye roll Luna gave before setting up with the camera again. 

In reality, it was about six more takes, two more requested by Luna, three requested by Evan, and once by Clarke. It was infectious to care and try to do better. But they were finally done with all else, and the end somehow felt so final. Though she’d been hesitant to try, now that they’d created something, Clarke felt connected to the entire thing. 

“So when will I get to see the entire thing?” Clarke asked, carefully dropping a bag of equipment on Lexa’s bedroom floor. 

“Oh, uh, maybe at the end of the summer? It’ll go through a ton of work with Luna and myself, and I’m not sure what we’re going to do… I will definitely show you though as soon as it is done.” 

“I’d hope so.”

“Thank you for helping me with this,” Lexa offered as she ran her hand over the back of her neck. “I know you are really busy. SAT, work, school, pep squad.” 

“And you’re not?” 

“Well, yeah, but I chose this, and you were recruited,” she shrugged. 

With a sigh, Lexa plopped onto her bed, tired and spent from the busy weekend. 

“You can recruit me anytime,” Clarke promised. 

In a move that was still somewhat new to Lexa, hips circled her own, and knees gripped her thighs, and that led to a lot of feelings in her body, especially in the below the belt part that she hadn’t particularly figured out in the practical sense. Theoretically she knew exactly what was happening. 

Without saying anything else, Clarke removed her girlfriend’s ball cap and tossed it on the bed. Lexa held her hips, ran her hands up her thighs and squeezed there, careful not to move her eyes anywhere but Clarke’s face. But they closed on their own when hands ran along her temples, scratching the sweat and soreness away, melting her instantly. 

There’d been a truce ever since the dance. There’d been a few make outs that went slightly past polite. There’d been a few time hands wandered lazily where they might not have been allowed, but didn’t care about no trespassing signs. There hadn’t been Clarke in her lap though, and Lexa knew this was different. She made it different when her hands slid around hips and toward Clarke’s ass. She squeezed and she thought she’d died. 

By the time Clarke kissed her, Lexa realized she was on her back in her bed with the head cheerleader on top of her. When hips pushed against her, she realized she was going to stop. Hands went to her chest. Hands slid under her shirt. Hands slid under her bra and she pushed back against being pinned. 

It all disappeared in a second, and confused at the loss of lips and contact, Lexa opened her eyes and searched. Clarke sat there, hands braced on her stomach until she lifted her own shirt and tossed it on the floor. Scrambling, Lexa lifted herself, tangling her arms in an attempt at solidarity in taking clothes off only to be aided by an amused girlfriend. 

“Wow,” she whispered, taking her time to look over new skin before her. She kept her hands locked on Clarke’s hips despite wanting to move them. She let her eyes roam shamelessly. “You’re like… wow.” 

“Is this okay?” 

“Very okay.” 

“Thank God,” Clarke nodded before leaning back down, cupping Lexa’s face, and kissing her again, fiercer this time, if it were possible. 

Hips moved more this time. Breathing picked up more. Hands pulled, tugged, grasped tighter. They clawed at each other and at more, at what their bodies already knew how to do but their brains overthought and tempered. It was a battle of want and need and restraint, and in it, they both knew which was losing. 

In a shaky attempt, Lexa somehow unhooked Clarke’s bra. And in an instant her girlfriend was topless on top of her, and now her lower half was absolutely made of lava. It was painfully molten. 

“Oh… my…. Goodness,” she hummed. 

Clarke pressed her hands harder against Lexa’s ribs and rotated her hips. Lexa slid her hands up Clarke’s chest and squeezed. She watched her hands moved and touch and feel. She was touching someone else’s nipples for the first time ever, which was a weird thing to be cognizant of, but something that she never imagined desiring. But she did. And she wanted to memorize it entirely. She earned a hum and she pushed her hips up, in an off-kilter response to Clarke’s hips. 

“Hey Lex, you home, sweetheart?” a voice called out from down the hall. 

The spell was broken. The frantic, hot buildup was drenched in freezing cold water. The skin on display was covered with shirts as quickly as possible and the contact of bodies was broken with as much space as humanely possible placed between them. 

“Yeah, uh,” Lexa cleared her throat and tucked in her shirt for some reason as she stood, her legs wobbly and her head not much more sturdy. “Just got home.” 

“Your mom is bringing home dinner. She got sandwiches from the deli.” 

“Sounds good!” 

“Want to work on your car?” 

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“Sounds good, kiddo. I’m just going to go change.” 

Her father’s voice faded as he moved toward his room. Lexa leaned against her door and looked back at Clarke in her room. The blonde just pushed her hair out of her face and tried to adjust her shirt, tugging her bra slightly from the quick reassembly of her parts. Her lips were puffy. Her cheeks were bright red. She was perfect, Lexa realized. 

Lexa cleared her throat again and redid her pony tail. 

“So that was--”

“Really good,” Clarke finished. “Maybe we should… it’s good your dad-- we should talk about this, right?” 

“Um, yeah, I think.”

“Not right now though.” 

“Of course, yeah,” Lexa nodded, unsure exactly what was going to be discussed and even worse when it would be. She needed more context clues because too much had just occurred, and she was a specifics type of girl. 

“I should head home. I have to finish some physics homework and take a cold shower.” 

“Right, yeah. It was hot out there today and I kept you out in the sun.” 

“Okay, we definitely are going to have to have some conversations.” 

“Am I in trouble?” Lexa asked, cocking her head as Clarke picked up her backpack and shouldered it, making her way to the door. 

“Not at all. I just want to be able to talk about sex with you before we do it because I imagine you might need it, and to be honest I’m not sure how much longer I can survive how sexy you are.” 

Sex. Clarke wanted sex. They had almost, Lexa imagined. And Clarke was talking about sex with her and wanted to talk about sex with her and wanted to have sex with her and talk about the having of sex with her and they were going to have sex. Having sex was an option that they were going to talk because they were going to have sex and they should talk about it. It was going to be a thing that was discussed between the two of them because sex was going to happen and it might have almost happened and they should talk about the sex that almost and might also in the future happen. Sex. 

“I’m kidding,” Clarke assured Lexa, pressing her hand to the center of her chest and bringing her back from the place she just died and went to. “I can wait however long we need to, but I think we should talk about it so something like this doesn’t happen and we don’t have a clear line drawn or not drawn. Think about where your line is, I guess and then we can talk about it.”

“Okay.” 

Clarke kissed Lexa’s cheek and then her jaw and then her neck and then her lips. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Mhm. Yes. Me okay. I’m okay. Always ok.” 

“Did I melt your brain with the mention of sex?” Clarke smiled. 

“Yeah, kind of.” 

“No rush, I promise. Just like to be prepared.” 

“Like a boy scout.” 

“Don’t stress. I like you.” 

“Mmm,” Lexa nodded and tried to make her eyes not be completely huge, tried to make her heart stop throbbing in her pants and ears, tried to make her brain not explode or melt. 

“I’ll talk to you later. Have fun with your dad.” 

“Mmm,” she hummed and nodded as Clarke moved past her toward the door. “See you tomorrow.” 

In an instant, Clarke was gone, and Lexa looked down at her hands. They’d been on Clarke’s naked boobs. She looked at her hips. They’d been on Clarke’s thighs. She looked at her bed and how surprised she was that her body just did some of the things it did. She wasn’t sure what else it was capable of, but she decided she might need to do research. 

XXXXXXXXXX

“I need to talk to you about two things.” 

“Hey, I’m good, thanks for asking. Just cramming for some finals, but yeah I definitely have time to help you out.”

“Okay, good,” Lexa nodded to herself as she paced through the garage, twisting a wrench around as she moved, twirling it around her fingers. It all happened quite seriously as she surveyed the car as it was coming to life. 

The house was empty, her parents out on a date. Luna was coming over shortly to work on some of their film, but Lexa had a few things she wanted to get done on her car. More than anything though, she needed to speak with her sister desperately regarding many things in her life. 

“How have you been, Lex?” 

“Pretty good.” 

“Anything planned for the summer yet?” 

“I have an internship with a film crew that’ll be in town for a few weeks. My history teacher’s old college roommate is first camera. Some movie of the week thing for the holidays.” 

“Wow! Lex, that’s huge!” 

“I guess. But I need to know about sex. Sex with another girl. You’re in college. Have you had sex with another girl?”

Anya choked on her sip of coffee as she stopped walking down the sidewalk. She nearly dropped part of her armload of books, but managed to get a grip at the last moment. 

“Sorry to disappoint, but I haven’t.” 

“I tried to ask Gus but he said he couldn’t talk to me about it, and I just need someone to tell me what to do because I’ve run out of online resources short of porn and to be honest I looked a few and I didn’t like it.” 

“Lots of information to unpack in this…” 

“What do I do or who do I talk to?” 

“Just give me a second, okay?”

With a sign, Lexa sat the phone down on the edge of the car and went about the tough work of running some wires through the rear panel. If she was doing something with her hand, then she didn’t have to repeat the word sex nine hundred times per minute in her brain. 

“You and Clarke are talking about having sex?” 

“We’re talking about talking about it.” 

“How long have you been dating?” 

“Um since beginning of November. Almost six months.” 

“Do you love her?” 

“I don’t know. I mean…” Lexa paused her movements and furrowed. She hadn’t thought of it like that. It seemed almost insane to quantify her feelings into one word. She was excited to always see Clarke, and when she had a bad day, Clarke was the only person she really wanted to see, and when she did, the bad day just melted away. How was she supposed to figure out if it was love when she couldn’t compare it to anything else? She got butterflies still, when she saw her girlfriend. And Lexa felt this weird need to do things for Clarke, without being asked. She was helpful and attentive because the payoff of Clarke’s smile was worth even a few minutes of forethought. But she hadn’t considered that love, but maybe it was. 

“I really don’t know. I like her a lot. I like how we are” 

“That’s fair. I guess I should rephrase it. What makes you think you’re ready to have sex?” 

“I really want to.” 

“Okay, yeah, well everyone really wants to have sex, but what makes you think you’re ready? Can you confidently say where your boundaries are? Are you ready to have a much more intimate relationship with someone?”

“I was kind of just looking for more help in the mechanics of it.” 

“That’s the easy part,” Anya smiled to herself as she took another sip of her coffee. The weather was changing, the spring breeze ruffled the trees so they loudly clamoured above as she moved with the crowd along the narrow sidewalk. “There’s a certain level of intimacy in having sex with someone, especially someone you really like. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but it’s certainly different. Do you think you’re ready to do that?” 

“I think so,” Lexa murmured after a moment of contemplation. She tapped a screwdriver against her thigh and stared at a single screw. “I really want to make her feel good and I know that sounds stupid, but I just… Sometimes it’s easier to want to kiss her than tell her exactly what I feel. I want to show her.” 

“I can see how that would work. Just so long  as you take a good bit of time and really consider it. And remember, even if you agree, you can change your mind at any time.” 

“Ugh, not you too! Dad’s already given me a billion consent talks. I just want to go down on Clarke without making a fool of myself.” 

Anya couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the outburst, but she somehow managed to hold her phone away from her mouth as she did. It took her a moment to recover. 

“Just do what you like and listen to her. Ask her what she enjoys. Be receptive to how she sounds and moves. It’s really not that hard. Just give it your all.” 

“This is all fine advice, but I still don’t know how to actually do it.” 

“You’ll figure it out.” 

“I don’t like leaving it up to chance.”

“You’ll be fine, I promise. You care for Clarke and I think she’ll be able to show you a thing or two.” 

“What does that mean?” Lexa paused her movements and furrowed. 

“You’ll see.” 

“I really don’t like the sound of that.” 

“You will, I promise.” 

“Are you coming home this summer?” 

“I might. So, sex with your girlfriend, huh?” 

“Maybe. Is it weird that I just… I want everything to keep going how it has been? It’s been so easy and nice and I didn’t think dating Clarke would be so … so… easy?”

“That’s not weird at all. It sounds like you are having a good time.” 

“I’m going to ask her to go to prom.” 

“Wow,” Anya smiled to herself, doing her best to sound surprised by the news, as if it wasn’t customary to take once’s girlfriend to prom. “Are you going to do a big ask?” 

“Nah, I don’t think that’s me,” Lexa shrugged, even though no one would see it. “And I don’t think it’s Clarke. She’s not like… she’s not like what I would have thought. She’s better.” 

“You’ve got it bad.” 

“Nah.” 

It was nice to talk to her sister. It was nice to be put at ease, even if she just heard a bunch of stuff she already knew. Lexa wasn’t sure how it came to be that she was someone who talked to her sister every few days and actually filled her in on her life. She wasn’t sure how she enjoyed spending Saturday morning with her parents going on a hike or breakfast. She wasn’t sure how it came to be that the head cheerleader was soft and quiet and warm and made her feel like she was full of helium, but it was all happening, and Lexa felt herself open up to the world again without ever realizing she had been closed. 

XXXXXXXXXX

For an entire seventy-two hours, Lexa let it all rattle around in her head, the words and the ideas and the thought of it all. All at once it felt like she didn’t know what came next while also incredibly knowing and that held her stuck. She hadn’t thought to ask for more, and she wasn’t sure how to have it. She knew that it was important, and she knew that was a different step than the ones she’d already taken. 

Nothing seemed to change with Clarke though. 

Lexa still held her girlfriend’s hand between classes, and they still hung out and texted and kissed and no one said anything despite Lexa taking her sister’s advice to really think about what it all meant. 

She didn’t know what it meant. Not truly. 

“That’s it. I quit. My brain is melting out of my ears.”

With an exaggerated flourish, the body on the bed flopped over and tossed a notebook onto the floor. Eyes rolled back before a tongue hung out and Lexa smiled from her spot at her desk. The music played softly from the speaker on the bookshelf. It was already dark outside as they worked on studying, but the lights reflected so that outside didn’t exist at all. 

“Your brain isn’t melting. It’s just growing and growing and will soon explode.” 

“I think I prefer the melting,” Clarke sighed. 

Lexa smiled to herself because there was the head cheerleader laying in her bed. And Clarke was wearing her old soccer sweatshirt and she was tired from after work, but still stopped by before heading home just for a few hours of studying. 

“Would you like to go to prom with me?” 

“Me?” 

“Yeah you,” Lexa decided, cocking her head slightly. The corpse in her room rolled over again and lifted her head. “With me.” 

“Was it the melting brain thing that really sold you?” 

“I just like how you look in my bed.” 

“Your bed is very comfortable.” 

“I thought about the sex thing and I don’t know if I’m ready right now, or by prom or whatever, but I want to just keep doing things slowly if that’s okay?” 

Clarke sat up so she was kneeling on the bed. She’d already rolled the sleeves of the sweatshirt that hung a little long on her. There was a hole over the letter on the left part of her chest. Her hair was falling out of a messy bun, and her cheeks had their dimples in them. Lexa took a moment to remember it. 

“That’s fine by me.” 

“It is?” 

“I like how fluid everything is with you. I just wanted you to be aware of what you were feeling and what your limits were.” 

“I don’t know them right now, but I’ll know them as things happen, if that’s okay.” 

“Very okay.” 

“Do you want to go to prom with me?” 

“Didn’t I already say yes?” 

“No.” 

“Well then, yes.” 

“Cool,” Lexa grinned, holding her chin on her palm. 

Clarke relaxed slightly and smiled back. 

“Cool.” 

NEXT

[poutybinz]

𝐁𝐅!𝐇𝐔𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐊𝐀𝐈 ..!%+

𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐎𝐔𝐓.

oh, he didn’t ask you out. you definitely had to take the initiative.

both of you liked each other, it was very obvious. to the point that your friend groups loved to joke and call you guys the ross and rachel of the group; a lot of people were waiting and waiting for it to happen.

don’t get it twisted, though, he definitely wanted to! he just couldn’t get the courage to do it himself :( everytime he wanted to he found himself chickening out. he’s generally a shy person, and even though you both were friends huening was so nervous around you. he overthought everything he said, his face would always turn red around you. yet, he always tried his hardest to make an effort so you’d know he was interested. he may stutter but he’ll compliment you on those new shoes you bought.

oh, he was so excited when you did, though. the second your confession left your lips he was eager to say yes. he smiled real wide and nodded his head, “of course i’ll go out with you!”. in the back of his head, he was relieved. he’d been waiting for this day, truly.

𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆.

the thing with huening...he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

this is his first relationship and while he has an idea of what a good relationship should be (albeit some of it’s based a lot of the tv shows he watches), he still finds himself ultimately clueless when it comes to a lot of things. he never wants to impose, he never wants to make you feel unimportant or uncomfortable. his main priority is what makes you happy.

he comes around soon enough though! with a lot of help from his family (and of course the other members) he begins to find his footing. huening is a sweet boy, that much everyone knows, and he’s incredibly selfless. he’s the type to give you his jacket when walking you home and tells you to keep it when you get there.

he’s the type that lays out in the grass and stares out at the stars with you, listening intently to your every theory about whether or not aliens exist or what you think the meaning of life is. huening loves those moments because when conversation lulls he gets to slowly sneak a pinky finger over to yours and lock it. and he gets to tell you how much he likes you, how he loves listening to you talk.

he’s such a sap, he likes you so much. his favorite place in the whole world is laying across your lap while you both watch whatever aesthetically pleasing anime the internet was raving about.

you’re both very supportive of each other’s interests and can really count on each other to gush about something new you learned. when you’re at your most comfortable you’re having a ton of fun together! a lot of pillow fights and imaginary water gun fights (because you can’t have water guns in the house of course). a lot of exploring new things, like you’re a couple of pirates looking for treasure or something.

if he could, he’d take you everywhere with him but for now he settles with calling you very often. he leaves tons of voice notes, a lot of your text conversations are just you both giggle-snorting via voice note at 3am over some dumb joke one of you made. you both have so much fun together, that’s his favorite thing about your relationship.

𝐅𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒.

huening’s biggest problem is how nonchalant he is. of course he cares greatly about you, but the thing you fight over the most is how unresponsive he can be.

he doesn’t care one way or another about...well, a lot of things. sometimes you’ll come to him upset about something and he’ll just give you a small nod or a “oh, i’m sorry to hear that” and it infuriates you because it feels like he isn’t listening to you. honestly speaking, he literally doesn’t know what to say sometimes. that’s also because he just generally hates all conflict and wants to try to avoid it at all costs so his answer to it is just to...not respond at all.

often he’ll run to yeonjun and ask him why you’re so upset with him because he can be a little clueless. keep in mind, this is all very new to him! he’s still learning, he doesn’t mean it to hurt you.

𝐏𝐃𝐀.

remember when i said huening doesn’t do pda? well, let me recant.

he doesn’t do it in front of the members at least. in reality, he actually doesn’t mind pda. although it makes him blush, he loves holding your hand! he loves back hugs and soft kisses, he loves when he’s walking ahead of you and you hold onto the back of his sweater while he leads you somewhere. or when you just hold one of his fingers instead of his entire hand.

he loves wrapping an arm around you while you’re waiting in line for your baked goods at a cafe. he loves it when he’s sitting on a park bench waiting for you and you greet him with a kiss on the tip of his nose. he truly loves all of it.

it’s just the members refuse to let him live! so what he’s holding your hand, right? you have soft hands. can you blame him?

𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐋.

hueningkai is a sweetheart. truly, he is.

he makes your heart flutter every day, he makes you feel like everything’s going to be okay as long as you have each other. he brings out the best in you, and you bring out the best in him.

he’s not sure if it’s the fact he’s still in the honeymoon stages or what but he likes to say he’s going to marry you. in fact, you’re in his phone as “love of my life”. he hasn’t really told you that yet, he doesn’t want to freak you out or anything but he likes you that much. (although...yeonjun told you about it. and you couldn’t stop smiling, it made you so happy).

dating hueningkai feels like dating your childhood crush. the person you can race with and skip rocks while standing at a river but also the person you can trust with your everything. it feels like hot summer nights sitting on the porch talking while swatting mosquitos that swarm around. it feels like climbing trees, or making pillow forts in the winter. it feels like home.

happy valentine’s day, everyone! (*´∇｀*)

[satorinni]

𝕞𝕦𝕥𝕖

track 20: spawnpoint

Kenma has never been much of a ladies man. Well, that’s how he’s always envisioned himself. Actually, that’s how he still envisions himself. His rise to fame and security lead to a lot of new women interested in his life, but he’d never pay them much mind. He’s always thought himself above the idea of love. He had everything he needed, so to speak. So what more could he possibly want?

You, on the other hand, believed a little differently. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe in love, just that you didn’t have time for it. Between school & life, going on dinner dates and spending every waking moment with someone else seemed a little time consuming. It sounded a little selfish, but you always had to come first. Even before your friends and family, you were determined to succeed and be the best you could be. Never in a million years did you expect to be here. 

Literally, actually. 

At the time, the carnival seemed like a really good idea. You had never been on a ferris wheel before, and an elephant ear sounded so good. But it seemed you and Kenma underestimated his fame, just a little bit. 

A bunch of people started recognizing him, not just from his streams, but for being the owner of a gaming corporation? The only escape was on the ferris wheel, which wasn’t that bad, but a blonde kid & his girlfriend in the cart next to yours were making out the whole time. Awkward. Plus, turns out, Kenma has a slight fear of heights. Which wasn’t that bad, for you at least. Gave you an excuse to hold his hand the whole time. After the sun started to set you began walking to a nearby park to watch the carnival fireworks. 

“You know I tried baking this stuff one time.” You gestured down to the slice of apple pie you were eating. Kenma looked over at you as you both continued walking. 

“How’d that go?” He raised an eyebrow in interest, still looking at you.

“Actually, that’s where I got this.” You lifted your arm to show a burn scar on your lower forearm. “Always wear oven mitts when handling hot pastries.” 

Kenma sees this and busts out laughing. “Duly noted, genius. Remind me to never ask you to cook for me.” 

You nudge his shoulder and roll your eyes. “Oh, whatever, hot shot. At least I don’t set pasta on fire like your boyfriend.” You spoon a piece of the pie and gesture for Kenma to take it. 

“Shut up.” He tries to hide his smile by biting down on your spoon. You yank at it which causes apple pieces to go flying onto the sidewalk. You & Kenma burst into giggles, completely disregarding the families & couples lounging in the grass.

You walk over to the nearest garbage bin to rid of your trash, wiping your hands off on your skirt. Turning around, Kenma’s eyes are on you, smirking.

“Please Kenma, I know I’m hot, but refrain from eye-fucking me. There are children around.” You grin at his flustered appearance, placing yourself back at his side. 

“Would you rather I actually fuck you?” He snorts out, devilish look gracing his feature. 

“Kenma!” Now it was your turn to wear the flustered expression. It was already dark, the stars out to stay hello. Everyone littered in the grass staring up into the sky, waiting for the show to go on. You stop walking, somewhere near the front of the park. Kenma stops as well, facing you. If it had still been light outside, you’d be blocking everyone's view of the carnival and light show. Thankfully, aside from the ferris wheel lights, it was dark enough so you were out of view from most of the bystanders. 

Kenma’s staring at you with wide eyes, like a deer in headlights, if you will.

“What?” You tilt your head in curiosity. Highschool you would’ve freaked out by now, your insecurities back then ate away at you. Made it real difficult to create long lasting relationships. You probably would’ve overanalyzed everything, especially with the way he was looking at you right now. You probably would’ve overthought every action and conversation you guys have had. 

But now? You gained a lot more confidence. You had stability. You had you. Surprisingly, that was enough. But it wouldn’t hurt to indulge in one, Kenma Kozume. 

“Kenma? Don’t go mute on me again.” You smile softly at the furrow of his brows. You could tell he was just trying to figure out what to say. 

“Sorry, I just-” He huffs out a breath of annoyance. He takes a deep breath and tucks a strand of his hair behind his ear. He looks to his left at all the people lying in the grass. It’s obvious he’s nervous by the way he glances at his feet one too many times. He looks back at you, visibly trying to calm himself down. “I’ve never been good at talking to people. Or being around them in general? I mean, it’s gotten better over the years, I can actually accomplish basic tasks now. But sometimes I still get overwhelmed, you know?”

You knowingly nod your head, letting him continue. 

“But that day I brought you your wallet? I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything. I just couldn’t think of anything worthy enough to say to you. It was like-” Your laugh stops him.

You ask, fascinated. “Worthy? Who do you think I am? A princess?” Your wide eyes and huge smile makes him take another deep breath. 

He looks away in embarrassment and mumbles, “I mean, might as well be.” He turns back to you. “Can I finish first?”

Your smile gets impossibly bigger as you nod slowly.

“Okay. Fuck, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. You make my brain feel like jelly, y/n. Which is saying something because I’ve gone 72 hours without sleeping before. And it’s just? You make me crazy? That doesn’t even make sense!” He’s talking with his hands now, and his voice is gradually growing louder & louder. 

“I make you crazy?” You raise your voice right back. You’re laughing uncontrollably now. Never did you think someone could see you like he does.

“Yes!” He practically yells, hands on his head in exasperation. Despite his obvious dilemma, he’s smiling too. 

You giggle some more and pull his hands off his head. You slip your hands down his cheeks and hold his face in your hands. 

“If it’s any consolation, you make me crazy, too.” His hands are on your hips now, pulling you close, closer, closer. 

“It’s cheesy, but I’ve never-” He’s cut off by loud chanting. The fireworks are about to go off. He looks left into the grass, towards the people staring at the sky in amazement. You look left as well, towards the fair. They’re counting down, you don’t even notice you started whispering along with them. 

Then, they’re off. Brilliant reds and yellows. Synchronously, you and Kenma turn back towards each other. You grin and, hands still on his face, pull him in. He tastes like apples. 

More fireworks go off and you can feel him smiling against your lips. His arms are around your waist. Yours have found their way around his neck. Something straight out of a movie. People are cheering. You both know it’s for the show, but it doesn’t hurt to believe they’re for you. 

Never in a million years did you think you’d be here, kissing one, Kenma Kozume, under the fireworks & stars, in front of dozens of people. Cheesy how life works out, huh?

It feels like heaven forever until you finally pull apart. The fireworks are over, but people are still cheering. Except, they’re saying your names. You both turn, squinting towards the noise. Sitting to the far right is a group of guys. Familiar faces. One with glasses & black hair pulling at the shirt of another one. Grey hair & yellow eyes, you know him. He’s yelling, barely audible. The one to the right of him has messy black hair, like he just got out of bed. That one you definitely know. You turn back to Kenma.

“You didn’t tell me the guys were gonna be here.” You smile at Kenma, who didn’t know the guys were gonna be there. Bokuto is about to stand, to walk over to you guys, you think. 

Kenma grabs your hand and pulls you the opposite direction. You’re both running down the grass, giggling like maniacs. Families are staring in confusion and annoyance. You’re too happy to care. You stop at a tree closer to the city. You plop down underneath it, the grass soft under your thighs. 

Kenma lays perpendicular to you, head in your lap. You look down at him, hand in his hair. 

“You know, you didn’t finish what you were saying back there. Like, before we made out in front of your friends. And a bunch of random people.” You’re just teasing, testing to see if the blush on his face is from sprinting or from you. Probably both. 

“Shut up, I was just gonna say I think I like you.” He turns his head towards your body, so he isn’t looking up at you.

“You think? Huh, that’s not very reassuring.” You make a face of ponderance and raise an eyebrow. 

“Okay, okay. I very much do like you, stupid.” He crosses his arms. He’s pouting, it’s cute.

“Yeah, I already knew. Actually, I’ve known for a while.” He sits up abruptly while you take special interest in the grass beneath you. 

“What do you mean you’ve known for a while? How?” He leans towards you.

“Because I know everything, Kozume.” You pinch his nose. Just as he’s about to protest, you kiss him again. He relaxes, hand coming up to cup your cheek while the other holds himself steady. You pull away, looking up. 

“This is our tree now.” You look back down and smile at him. 

Without missing a beat, he smiles right back. “Yeah? Okay.” He gives you a chaste kiss, before speaking again. “Our spawn point.” You roll your eyes at his laughter.

“Whatever, dork.” You push at his forehead, he’s still laughing. 

You didn’t know it then, but Kenma never forgot about it. It really was your spawn point. Where he asked you to be his girlfriend. Where you celebrated every huge milestone, for either of you. Where you spent every anniversary. 

And after 5 years, it was the same spot where he finally, finally, asked you to marry him. 

Cheesy, right?

𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘: kozume kenma x medstudent!f!reader

𝕥𝕒𝕘𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥: send an ask to be added!

𝕤𝕪𝕟𝕠𝕡𝕤𝕚𝕤: enroute to being a neurosurgeon, y/n l/n doesn’t have time for fun, let alone dating. after her friends set her up on a blind date gone wrong, she comes face 2 face with none other than her date’s best friend. her world flips on axis, and suddenly she has no idea how her brain works, or love-at-first-sight.

𝕒/𝕟: ig that ab wraps it up then? aside from the epilogue lol,,, i rlly rlly loved this smau i think cs i love kenma and i heavily enjoyed writing it, so ty all for reading n stay tuned for my next one:)

taglist!

@katsuki-bakuhoee @sirachano0dles @qwir-0 @sailorstrawberi @calumsfringe @oppositesunchild @akioaly @aikochan4859 @drownedbytears @buttermasterbillie @vvenusblue @bluefaeriefury @ktzuki @mirikusashes @tsukibaby @toaster-stick @woohoney @just-snog-already @adorable-punk-superheroes @nikanikabitch @starrywriteshaikyuu @acabbaybee @theblueslytherin @sakusasupremacist @waywardcowboyllamavoid @rintaoreo @immxnty @noliamallpayne @sadcosmicdoggie @aizumii @c-o-n-q-u-e-r @sunahyejin @zaedynnn @triskoof @bakugouswh0r3 @ilauvcoldpizza @tina-98 @izzy28901 @kookie-doughs @black-rose-29 @moonlightaangel @kakamihasatmblr @bunny-on-crack @azztronut @lucyheartfilias-wife @amandaxtiffany @tsukkiswifeey @pumpkinpatchkid @kac-chowballs @malfoyweasley13

[whatifxwereyou]

The Oncoming Storm Part 22: Anxiety

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

You are such a mess but Liu Kang might be the most understanding man ever, Lol. Bad day for me, but hope you guys are all doing okay! Good vibes and much love. Thanks for reading <3 Update for the new one tomorrow, update for this one on Tuesday. Smooches!

Part 21 Part 23 Chapter Index

The hike up the mountain was tiring but serene. You kept their eyes peeled for the fork in the path and caverns that may have been hidden along the mountainside. The few that you encountered were either inaccessible or had no signs of water. You lost track of time, but you caught the branch in the path and the sign that explained where each path went. It was as good a place as any to regain your bearings, you figured. You wished it told you the altitude. You were winded. Beyond you was the path to the leftmost that the attendant had told you to take, the trees were growing at funny angles on steeper parts of the mountain.

The sign explained that this was one of the more interesting phenomena taking place in Huangshan. You remembered them vaguely from your vision but couldn’t recall their significance, if any.

The thought of your vision twisted your stomach into uncomfortable knots. You rubbed the bruise on the side of your neck and shivered. This was all too familiar. That uncomfortable feeling that had overwhelmed you in Japan. Knowing a place without having ever been there. It was enough to make anyone sick.

“Do you need a break?” Liu gently touched your arm and you huffed, defensive immediately.

“No.”

“You’re out of breath.”

“We’re hiking! That’s normal. The altitude is probably crazy.”

“It is also normal to need to take a break and you had a long day yesterday. Your throat…”

“I’m fine. Stop worrying so much.” You didn’t mean to say it like that. Oh no.

“I just…”

“No, really. Stop it.” You grabbed his arm as he reached to touch the bruise on your neck. He knitted his brow in confusion. “It’s really sweet that you worry about me so much, Liu. But maybe you worry a little too much. I’m not a porcelain doll. I’m not going to fall over and break.” He averted his gaze, but his back straightened and he was uncomfortable. “I know it’s hard. Your only experience with me so far is my being wounded and needing help. But I’m capable and strong and have been on my own for years, so much so that it’s hard for me to be with people constantly. Your worry is… it’s a lot.” You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh or unappreciative and you could only hope that he didn’t take it the wrong way. You didn’t want him to have to worry about you and in a very stupid circuitous way it worried you that he worried so much. It ate you up to see his energy so wasted on worry. You weren’t worth the worry. You shifted your gaze. That was a bad, unhealthy thought. Oh no.

“What?” Liu seemed in disbelief.

“Sometimes you look at me like if you take your eyes off of me for a second then I’m going to disappear.” That fear that you had an unhealthy attachment to him in a time of crisis was there again along with your questioning your worth suddenly. And what if his attachment was unhealthy too? Your brain was scrambled. Kung Lao had put his messy fingers in there and smooshed it all about and now you were so confused.

“I didn’t mean to.” He tilted his head curiously as if trying to understand. “I don’t think you’re easily broken, Y/N. I simply wish to take care of you. That’s all.”

“That is… ridiculously sweet but you expect me to trust you when you’re hurt, don’t you?” You purposely shoved at the shoulder that you’d bruised. He mouthed ‘ouch’ and rubbed his shoulder comically. Then he nodded. “You have to trust me too. That’s all I’m asking.” He was quiet for a long time, and you felt selfish and stupid for having said anything at all. You’d complained that he cared about you too much? Really? What was wrong with you? You were overthinking. Your brain needed silence.

“I didn’t realize my worry was having that impact on you. Perhaps my concern for your well-being has been a bit pushier than I realized.” He spoke finally and not in anger which was a relief. “I understand that it might seem as though I don’t trust but I assure you that it’s quite the opposite. I trust you more than I trust almost anyone, Y/N. I can’t help that I worry for you, it’s part of who I am. I care about you.” That was direct. Alright. “I can’t help that. If I can protect you then I’m going to. It has nothing to do with how capable you are. That’s who I am.”

“I get that, Liu.” You swallowed that persistent lump in your throat to no avail. “And you can worry about me. I’m sorry I brought it up. But I might just… be mildly annoyed with it sometimes. That’s who I am.”

“What’s gotten into you?” He laughed but his face was still riddled with concern. “You’re not yourself.”

“There’s the worry again!” You were defensive and you knew it, but you couldn’t stop it either. You hated that your brain was feeling one way and your mouth and body were responding another. Why couldn’t things come out the way you intended them to? You wanted to tell him that you were worried that you’d attached yourself to him and had become a burden. That you had been through a lot and weren’t processing any of it in a healthy way. Instead, you accused him of being a worry wart.

“Yeah, because you’re not being yourself. I need you to relax, Y/N. It’s been nonstop stress for weeks. Come with me.” He grabbed your arm and you fought him as he continued up the path to the left.

“What? No! What are we doing? Wait, what?” You pulled your hand back and he pulled on you again then nodded behind him.

“Come now, jump on or I’m going to just pick you up and throw you back there.”

He was going to carry you on his back? Is that what was supposed to make you relax? Having about your legs wrapped around him? That was not going to help.

“Liu, wait, we’re hiking.” You yelped in surprise as he did as he said he would. He lifted you up and pulled you right onto his back, grasping your legs and urging them to wrap around his middle. You threw your arms around his shoulders on instinct with wide and panicked eyes. He’d done that way too easily. Oh no, you’d thought about the legs wrapped around thing but not the body pressed against him thing. You were not prepared.

“Have some fun, Y/N.” He laughed, adjusting your arms for you so that you weren’t choking him. “Death grip, jeez.” You relaxed your grip a bit. “Better.” Then he continued up the path, hands beneath your knees to hold you up. This did nothing for your stress even if you did laugh in disbelief that he’d done it. You supposed that his body was warm and comforting and his shoulders and back were incredibly strong and impressive beneath you. “We have much to do Y/N and who knows what will happen when we find what we’re looking for. Enjoy the ride and the view.”

“Please, for all that you believe in, Liu… don’t phrase it like that.”

“Wow, Y/N.” He laughed, stealing a quick glance over his shoulder at you. You gave him a reassuring squeeze and then tried to do as he asked. You really did need to relax. When had you become so opposed to having fun? You were on your guard constantly and had to find a way to put the shields down for a few seconds. Kung Lao hadn’t helped, that was for sure. You relaxed and rested your head on his shoulder, feeling his hair tickle your cheek as you watched the mountain pass you by.

You couldn’t let him do this for long. He was carrying an adult human on his back up a mountain and that was no mean feat, no matter how strong he was.

“Okay. Time to set me down.” You sighed after a few minutes.

“Why? This is nice and you finally seem relaxed.”

“You are literally hiking up a mountain with me on your back and you’re asking me why?”

“Oh?” Liu Kang gasped comically, and you immediately realized your mistake. “Are you worried about me, Y/N?” You smacked his arm in mock horror. He grabbed you and swung you from his back, and you yelped again at how quickly it had happened, then blew your loose hair from your face. He helped steady you and then stepped closer, hand brushing down your arm carefully. You’d been here before and you stiffened up and felt his warm hand engulf your cheek. It was addictive, like caffeine, and the warmth of his palm sent shivers down your spine that you fought. His fingers traced the lines of your face and there was your stomach full of butterflies again. He slipped the rest of your rebellious hair behind your ear, something that he had done so frequently now that you’d grown fond of it. His hand slid down to your wrist, and he urged your hand to rest on his chest, over his heart. “It’s fine.” He spoke just for you, and his lips were bewitching. “Trust me like I trust you.” He was teasing you, and it was magnificent.

“I trust you,” you assured him but you felt small again and not in a bad way. He made you feel like you were something precious and important, something worthy of that protection he wanted to offer you. Maybe you had overthought it. Not maybe. You had definitely overthought it.

“It’s okay to worry about me, Y/N. I like that you worry about me.”

Boy, you needed to say something. Anything. And even more so, you wished that you didn’t want to kiss him instead of talking about it. But his lips were right there, and you knew that they felt nice. You also knew you would get carried away. This tension had been killing you. You had to break it soon and you weren’t sure how much self-control you had left. Lao and Liu had worn it away.

His fingers brushed over your jaw, and he held it carefully and tilted you up to meet his lips. You stepped back with a jolt. His hand dropped from your face, and you instead walked past him, eyes wide and feeling as though you had just ripped off an incredibly painful and large bandage. Oh, you regretted it! Immediately at that!

“We should keep going or we’re going to be here all night.” Your heart was screaming in your chest, and it felt difficult to breathe. Liu didn’t follow you. He stood there, almost stuck in place, eyes wide and confused. “Liu?” You tried not to sound awkward or forced. You wanted to kiss him. More than anything you’d wanted that kiss. But you had to talk, and you were afraid to talk. He closed his eyes tight, regained his composure, and then jogged to catch up with you. He didn’t say anything, but his expression was extraordinarily tight for someone who was usually so calm and composed. The silence was miserable. You couldn’t let it stand for long. “How are you healing up?”

“Huh?” He didn’t seem to understand what you were talking about and took a second to process it. You’d broken him, oh no. “Much better. Bruising is still pretty ugly in some parts, but it’s begun to fade.” You felt guilty for a thousand reasons. You had hurt him so terribly when he’d been protecting you and now, you were acting like an insane person. You knew you were acting off. You opened your mouth instinctively to apologize, but he cut you off. “Really, Y/N. You can’t lecture me for being worried about you and then fret over me because of your misplaced guilt in the next breath.” And he called you out on your bullshit.

“I… uh…” He wasn’t wrong. Crap. How were you going to fix this?

“I was there to protect you. It was exactly where I wanted to be. It hurt, yes, but I am grateful that I was there. Trust me. Please.”

“I guess it doesn’t feel great for me to… be a hypocrite about it. I’m sorry.” You regretted the whole conversation about worry more than you had ever expected but you weren’t perfect. You were trying but your head was mixed up. Liu took your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, then he laced his fingers between yours. He was brave especially after you had straight up walked away from a kiss seconds ago.

“I love that you worry about me. I love that you think about me at all.” He threw that word around like it was no big deal. Then he let go of your hand and walked off the path to where he’d spotted a cluster of white flowers just barely in bloom, kissed with dew. He picked one of the flowers, careful of its stem and then much to your surprise, he returned to you and wove it into your hair, so that the flower tucked right above your ear. He’d recovered from your awkward moment much faster than you had. “Perfect.” He touched your cheek again and the addicting warmth of his hand made you shiver. You didn’t fight it that time.

His eyes searched yours, but you saw nothing but adoration behind his. You didn’t deserve him. Then he pulled his hand back and walked past you, leaving you stuck in place. You were lucky that he was being so understanding with you, even a bit playful as you waged war in your head. You turned in the right direction, at least. The clouds hung low above them, and it was amazing to be so close to them. You’d almost forgotten where you were and what you were doing.

“The attendant said that the cave should be around here somewhere, didn’t he?”

“If he wasn’t lying to us to get rid of us because we frightened him.” You recovered. The clouds had helped. You’d never thought you’d get to see them so close with your own eyes, nonetheless consider touching them the way that you thought you might get to.

“Let him think what he wants. We paid him and got what we wanted.”

“Sure did, moneybags.” You teased.

“Does that bother you, Y/N? To have people think what he thought about us?”

“Wha-uh no? No! I was just surprised by how you handled it. It was very funny.” You stuttered and thought it sounded like a lie even if it wasn’t. You weren’t bothered by that. It had been comical how poorly the negotiation had gone. He’d far overestimated whatever womanly wiles he seemed to think you possessed.

“Y/N?” He stopped walking and sighed. “You’re being weird.”

“Am I?” You knew you were. He stepped close again and adjusted the flower that he’d given you.

“Yes. Very unlike yourself.” He smiled despite the concern on his face. “What’s on your mind?” You hated comparing them, but it was difficult not to. Kung Lao was very much like you in some ways. He avoided serious conversations like the plague and deflected with sarcasm and humor. But Liu didn’t want to avoid the truth. You didn’t want to, either. In the same breath, you were terrified to tell Liu that you’d kissed Kung Lao. You hadn’t been afraid to tell Kung Lao. Why was that? It was eating you up. You were afraid to lose Liu Kang. In a way, you knew Kung Lao better and knew that losing him would be harder to achieve. With Liu Kang it was different. “Really, Y/N. You can talk to me.” You’d said that exact thing to Kung Lao and now here the tables had been turned dramatically. Liu Kang wanted you to be vulnerable with him when that was exactly what seemed to frighten Kung Lao.

You had to say something and maybe this was your biggest worry. Not the kiss, but the rest of it. “I’m worried that maybe I put too much on you.” It was on the list of the three thousand things you needed to say but you hadn’t been sure how to phrase it. Liu Kang was surprised. Well, you’d taken the plunge so, you might as well adjust to the waters. “When I first woke up in the temple, I was sick and scared. I can’t remember much of it except for you. You were there for me. I worry that maybe I attached myself to you a little more than I should have because everything was so beyond my control. And now I’m worried that this has become unhealthy.”

“Do you think that our friendship is unhealthy, Y/N?” Liu didn’t sound accusatory or affronted, but curious. God, he was so understanding. You did not deserve him. Did you really think it was unhealthy though? It hadn’t been you clinging to him. You’d laughed. You’d joked. You’d bonded. Stayed up all night sharing stories. Fell asleep in each other’s arms. He’d held you when you’d been in pain and you had offered him comfort when he’d needed it. You were crazy. What had you been thinking? How did you get that awful thought in your head? Your relationship wasn’t unhealthy. It was beautiful. It was just like you to take something wonderful and ruin it with overthinking.

“No, I don’t think it is.” You sighed, and it felt as though a weight had been dropped from your shoulders. “I don’t. I just… I know that you worry about me, and I don’t want to be a burden to you, Liu Kang. You don’t deserve that. You deserve more than having to worry about someone you met who was going through a difficult time and…”

“Y/N… Y/N, come here.” He gently urged his hands to your arms and pulled you close. Then he gestured to the side of the path. “You’re getting in your own way. Overthinking. Please, come sit with me.” He waited for you to agree, and you did so with a nod. Then he led you to where he had gestured toward. He urged you to take a seat and then sat in front of you, knees just the tiniest gap away from yours. “Close your eyes.” You did. Meditating was not a bad idea. “Take slow and even breaths. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Be aware of your body. Find your balance in your posture.” He took deep breaths with you. His voice was soothing and calm and brought you almost immediate peace. “Feel the crisp and cool air of the wind. The mist of the clouds falling gently upon us.”

You did and while your heart was still racing and your mind was still at war, your body was at least calming a little. Your hands throbbed. Your blood pressure had been through the roof.

“Take the thoughts racing in your head, the confusion and hurt, the fear that comes with it and let it go. Let those thoughts leave you in peace.” His voice grew quieter, again just for you. “Focus on the moment and your breath. Nothing more. Focus on the sound of my voice and think only what you know is the truth. Not what might be.”

He was right. You’d met at a difficult time, but you had been happy when he was there, and he seemed happy too. You came to enjoy Your time together and it was more than trauma and the moment. He wanted to be there for you, and you wanted to be there for him. Your head had gotten so confused and full of pointless, meaningless anxious thoughts that you had forgotten what was true.

You opened your eyes and suddenly felt exhausted. The buzzing in your brain had stopped and the frantic, panicked thoughts had flatlined. Liu was watching you with some concern in his eyes, as if he’d seen the invisible war you were fighting.

“I treasure our friendship, Y/N. I don’t know how you got it into your head that I could be anything but happy to get to know you.”

“You’re right. I was overthinking. I didn’t realize how anxious I’d become. I’m sorry, Liu. Did I hurt you? I’m really, really sorry.”

“Not at all, Y/N. You’ve been through some trauma since we met and more before that. Trauma that you have barely talked about. I know that you aren’t ready to deal with it yet. But I want to be there for you when you do. If you’ll let me.” He smiled softly and you melted. “I didn’t doubt what our friendship has become. I knew the moment you said it that your inner voice was speaking louder than the truth. It happens to the best of us. This has been hard for you. And for me.” He looked up to the low hanging clouds. “I don’t usually worry like this, Y/N. But Raiden doesn’t misspeak, and I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Oh.” Your stomach dropped. You hadn’t been thinking. Raiden had said that in front of all three of you, not just you. That if you didn’t figure this out soon then it would kill you. You hadn’t considered how that would impact him. You hadn’t talked since then, you supposed. You hadn’t had the chance. He’d kissed you and begged you to stay in bed with him that morning and you hadn’t. Then Raiden had read your vision and announced you wouldn’t survive the shadow hanging over you. It felt like a lifetime ago. How insensitive of you. A shiver went up your spine.

He urged his hand to your cheek and forced your gaze back to him. “We have to find these artifacts and hope they unlock some secret that might help you. I won’t lose you without a fight.”

“Liu.” You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to offer him encouragement, but you had avoided thinking about the harsh reality. Liu Kang and Kung Lao’s affections suddenly seemed far less complicated when put into perspective. You had to be more active in your choice, less letting them kiss you and more deciding who to kiss. He got onto his knees and leaned to place a soft kiss on your forehead. Then he stood up and offered you his hand.

“Come on. We have work to do.” He looked weary. You couldn’t blame him. You’d been a handful today. You got to your feet with his help. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Very much so. Thank you, Liu. I needed that.” You offered his hand a squeeze and held onto it. “Japan had me really mixed up. I needed clarity but instead I fed the buzzing thoughts of anxiety.”

“Being with Kung Lao for extended periods of time is enough to make anyone need to take a breath.” He smiled and you laughed, grateful for his levity. “You’ll be okay. We all will. Come.”

You walked together, hand in hand. Meditating even for that short moment had helped you silence the anxious inner voice. Kung Lao had unwittingly fed the inner voice and you had let it happen. You were frustrated with yourself still and it bubbled just beneath the surface, but you were coming to terms with the things that truly mattered and didn’t. You had no idea what would happen next, but you were not alone. You were grateful to have both Kung Lao and Liu Kang and no matter where you wound up, you were thankful.

[lavenderbexlatte]

Hello!!! Welcome to 🦋 anon's probably-way-too-overthought analysis on the m&m series in light of the new part. I have stopped crying and had about 24 hours to think, and I have discovered I have many thoughts, and this will probably be way more detailed than it should be.

The first thing I would like to address are some of the accusations Chan made at the end of the most recent part. (While I understand that they're supposed to not quite be accurate because of their obvious root in insecurity, and a lot of what I'm saying may just be like "yeah, obviously," I still would like to tell at the character a bit but I can't so this is what I have.)

Claim #1: "You fucking came at us at that party with your little girl-dom agenda and the guys fell for it, hook line sinker!"

This one's fairly self explanatory, no she didn't. They literally came onto her, even him, with his "There’s that pretty blush," and "Whatever you want it to be," lines. (And while yes, it's very likely that he was just trying to play it cool, but there's no way she could've known that, I'll come back to this later.)

Claim #2: "Nobody fucking asked me what I wanted!" "Nobody asked if I was sure that I wanted…"

Also mostly false, but he does have a tiny bit of a point. Yes, reader did grab his hair without asking, which is a little iffy, but she didn't actually rough with him until he goads her on. But I would argue that the reader is actually the ONLY one who asks him what he wants, if he's okay with things. While there may have been a little bit of discussion on the decision to approach the reader that we didn't see because of perspective (him saying this is kind of telling me that there wasn't, or at the very least not enough, maybe even some pressure for this to be the moment), or maybe Changbin said something while reader is with Jisung on the couch, after that, we don't see Jisung and Changbin check in with him at ALL, and there's not really an opportunity any other time for it just not have been noticed by the reader. As his partners, and the ones in the situation who have the full knowledge of Chan's situation, it should've been their responsibility to make sure he was alright throughout the process, even if they're not the ones in control for this situation, ESPECIALLY if they're going to keep this information from their Domme for the night (which really, I would say, wasn't a good idea, but no one is required to out themselves so I'll leave it alone).

HOWEVER, the reader does check with him, several times. She asks for boundaries/hard limits/etc before they even start anything, and while again, he's not required to say "hey, having a sexuality crisis, first time with a girl, kinda nervous," and he may not want to tip off Jisung and Changbin that something's wrong, that would be the time to say something like "I'm not feeling anything rough tonight, if you could be gentler that would be great." She asks them if there's anyone that doesn't actually want to fuck her. Also, she implements a safeword system (which she specifically calls him out to make sure he's okay with), which they weren't even going to USE, and asks them at least twice throughout the scene for their color, and Chan specifically if he's okay at least two more times besides that. Actually Chan almost makes fun of her for asking so many questions, so I think this claim is just another part of his insecurity-fed delusion that she's conspiring to ruin his life, or something, but again I'll come back to that. My point is that despite being the only one who doesn't know his situation, reader is also the only one who checks in with him.

There are a few other things he said that I took issue with, but those are the main two.

Next; Chan's delusion that reader is like conspiring to ruin his life. (Really like how you depicted this by the way, though I may be thinking wayyy too far into this.) I remember watching some video when I had one of my mental health/disorders hyperfixations. The video was about schizophrenia, and while I definitely don't think Chan has schizophrenia, one of the things the video talked about was types of delusions, and this kind of reminded me of one of them. I don't remember what it's called, but it's basically a delusion based around one idea, and then you force the world around you to fit into that idea. One example of this that I can think of is Azula from ATLA. Towards the end of her arc in the TV series, she starts seeing hallucinating her mother everywhere, and you get a peek of her fixed belief that her mother is behind everything that has gone wrong in her life, which is expanded upon a little bit in the books. Obviously Chan's not experiencing delusion to the extent that she did, but I did see some (albeit much less intense) parallels that were interesting. See, if he only talked about how his boyfriends seemed to like the reader more than him, that would be one thing, but he brings up his mother as well, which even though they did speak, it's a little out there to say that your mother likes someone she's talked to once more than you. That, combined with his insisting that the reader is playing some sort of game makes me think of that a little.

Of course this was only at first, when I was like "wtf, where is this 'my boyfriends like you more than me' thing coming from?" And then I reread the first few parts for this monstrosity of an ask that I'm writing rn. While at first I thought that this was entirely out of left field, when I read through the first few parts, especially the second one, with the knowledge that he felt that way, I noticed a few things you had put in there.

For the majority of the scene, or at least the first good chunk, the reader deals with Jisung and Changbin alone, leaving Chan by himself to watch. Obviously, as we see the reader's perspective, we know that it's because she found Chan's attitude intriguing and wanted to be able to deal with that one on one (at least that's what I got from it), it's easy to see now how to someone who's already insecure about their relationship and themselves, that would read as someone replacing you. Especially when Jisung, with no ill intent, but still, outright rejects his help in favour of the reader, and once again, he is left out, only this time it's accompanied with the sting of knowing (or at least feeling) that your partner didn't want you involved.

Now I kinda want to go character by character, and idk, talk about what I think they did wrong? We'll see, I'm not going to edit this so here we go.

Jisung and Changbin : Honestly, looking back on 3racha's first encounter with the reader, they really should have done better as Chan's partners. Like I said earlier, as the ones who knew Chan's situation, and the ones who likely pressured him slightly into he whole ordeal, it was really their responsibility to make sure Chan was okay with everything that was going on. That, and them feeling the need to sneak around with reader behind Chan's back doesn't sit right with me. I get that they have an open relationship, but there's a difference between having an open relationship and hooking up with someone your partner doesn't like, and actively trying to hide that you're hooking up with them. Their relationship boundaries may be fine with that, but idk, something feels off about it.

(I couldn't figure out where to put this and you may have already addressed this but it's my little theory/headcanon that Chan actually suspected it was reader at Jisung's place, and when there wasn't anyone there, he kinda gaslighted himself afterwards, idk. With the new knowledge it feels likely.)

Also, knowing that they were together for a while before Chan joined the relationship I think explains so much about the communication issues they seem to have with him. While I do think Chan has trouble communicating his feelings about things, I think their established communication and knowing eachother really well doesn't help. I may just be making things up at this point, but I feel like they have trouble with communication with Chan specifically, maybe forgetting that he doesn't have the same time/experience thy have with each other? If that makes sense?

Chan : oh boy. I've gone into a lot of detail already, so I'll try to keep this brief. Obviously, I think he has a looooottt of insecurity he needs to work through. If I were reallllyyy analyzing this I would say maybe a past cheating partner(?), but unless that's relevant to the plot I'm not sure if that's just me reading too much into this. Also mentioned before, COMMUNICATION ISSUES. One thing that would prevent half of the issues with this series is Chan communicating with his partners, though I suppose that wouldn't be near as much fun to read. Or just communicating I'm general, like I said, he had a plethora of opportunities to communicate to reader if he wanted something different, and didn't. So, yeah. Honestly I think he causes most of his own problems, but I feel like we knew that.

Reader : Now. I spent most of this series completely on the reader's side. Last night after reading part six, I was like "oh my god. He's right!" But then I took a while and thought a lot about it (as you can see), and honestly, I think reader probably did the least wrong out of everyone. Yes, the hair thing was a little iffy, like I said earlier, but once I went back and realized that he was actively participating and egging her on, I don't think that's necessarily something she did wrong. Beyond that, she did the most in regards of communication (at least during sex, after is another story), even more than the partners themselves. I think she did the best she could with the information that was given to her. She saw three guys approach her as a unit, and while yes, she didn't ask before engaging with Chan, I don't think it's really her fault for assuming that they were all interested as a unit as well. She had no reason to question any of their sexualities, why would she? She sees three partners approach her in unison, why wouldn't she assume they were on the same page? Anyway, all that to say, I think reader is the most innocent of all the main characters so far, though I may feel different after sitting on this for more time.

Anyway, here's this unedited brain dump, loved the new part, enjoy. Or not ig - 🦋

i've been sitting on this for like a week bc it's just so long and amazing??? and i have no idea what to say?? 🥺🥺

the bit about chan having a sort of delusion that reader is out to ruin his life in a pointed, conspired way is VERY interesting. their dynamic is actually something that i pulled from myself, in a way. i'm really superstitious about dumb things. i hate, like, bumping into someone or accidentally saying something that hurts someone's feelings bc i know that that karma/vibe/intention (whatever you wanna call it, i'm not spiritual just paranoid) is gonna come back around.

reader is the opposite. she's just walking around doing things and thinking about herself, and then being shocked when there are equal and opposite reactions to the stuff she does. i overthink everything, so reader doesn't think nearly enough.

but lemme say

that the best thing you said is how jisung and changbin are absolutely not the innocent bystanders that everyone seems to think they are 🤐🤐 most readers LOVE those two. but think about it...what are they trying to accomplish, here? 👀

[a-n-conrad]

Bad at Secrets (PS4 Spider-man x Reader)

[Summary: For as long as you’ve known Peter Parker, he has been pretty bad at keeping secrets. Lucky for him, you’re much better at it. At least, until you end up drunk at his house after a party.

Warning and Notes: Drinking, Drunk Reader, Awkward convos, PS4 game spoilers, swearing, May didn’t die because I refuse, gender-neutral reader]

Peter Parker was never very at keeping secrets from you. He was clumsy and always managed to leave something obvious out in the open. You were surprised that the entire city of New York hadn’t figured it out yet. Perhaps it was because you were helping him constantly. Whether it was casually introducing him to voice modifying technology, or helping him set up his phone to have two different numbers, you know, for “business”. 

You still couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t told you yet. You knew MJ knew. Did he just trust her more? Maybe you were just jealous. They had dated, so it probably came up then. And to be honest, you had to admit you had a crush on him. But you knew that wasn’t going to go anywhere. You and Peter had been friends for so long, that if anything was going to happen, it would have by now. So you’d be his friend. And you wouldn’t push him to tell you anything he didn’t want to.

- - - - -

It had been a couple of months since the city went to shit. Peter’s mentor, Otto Octavius was imprisoned at The Raft, Feast was now being run by May after Martin Li was arrested, and it took a whole month to get all of the run-aways from Rykers off the street. Everyone was stressed and tired, and you really needed a second to de-stress. So when you got an invitation to a party at one of your old college friend’s houses, you really couldn’t turn down the offer.

Maybe you went a little crazy. You didn’t have the highest alcohol tolerance, and before you knew it, you were starting to get a little wobbly on your feet. Definitely a bit too wobbly to be walking home through the streets of New York City. So without thinking, you picked up your phone to call a friend of yours.

You knew he’d be busy, but Peter was really the only one you trusted to walk you home. I mean, who better than Spider-man. You were surprised when it only rang twice before he picked up, “(Y/n)? I thought you were at a party tonight, is everything ok?”

You giggled a little at the concerned tone in his voice. He overthought a lot, and it was honestly kind of endearing, “Yeah, Pete, I’m fine. I was just wondering if you’re free to walk me home.”

“You didn’t bring anyone with you to walk with?” He asked, “Isn’t that a little dangerous?”

“Mhm,” You hummed, grabbing another can for something. You weren’t sure exactly what you were drinking anymore, but it was fine. Honestly, as much as you’d normally worry about the dangers of a situation like this, it was a lot harder to worry about stuff like that when you had just almost died from a supervillain attack, “That’s why I’m calling you. If you’re busy, though, I’ll figure something else out.”

“No, no,” You heard some noise in the background. He was definitely busy, but knowing him, he wasn’t about to let you walk home yourself, “I’ll be there, just hang tight for another fifteen minutes or something.”

“Sure,” You took another drink, “I’ll see you soon.”

- - - - -

By the time he got there, you had gone through another four cans of, well, you still couldn’t remember. Either way, you were pretty drunk. When Peter got there, he had found you dancing on a table, your hair extra messy and a little bit of your drink spilled on the front of your outfit. You looked like you were having so much fun, he couldn’t help but smile.

“Come on, (Y/n), let’s get you home,” He said, walking up to where you were. You smiled down at him before jumping down from the table.

“Pete!” You exclaimed, grinning at him, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, (Y/n),” He chuckled, “But we should get you home. You need some sleep.”

“But I don’t wanna go home,” You whined, “It’s boring. There’s nothing to do. Can we go to your place instead? I wanna watch movies.”

“Sure,” He sighed. He could tell you were a lot drunker than you were when you called him. It had been a while since he had to babysit you while you were drunk, but he honestly didn’t mind. You were always fun when you were drunk.

- - - - -

Peter’s house wasn’t too far away from the party, but it was a long enough walk that the two of you had to talk about something. And eventually, you ran out of your normal things to drunkenly ramble about. So things started to get a little more interesting.

“Do you think Peter trusts me?” You asked out of nowhere. It caught Peter a little off-guard. 

“I think so,” He said. You obviously didn’t know you were talking to him. He wondered if he should tell you, but honestly, he was a little interested in what you’d say.

“Then why doesn’t he tell me anything?”

“What do you mean he doesn’t tell you anything.” You were always so confident that you knew everything. And Peter tried his best not to keep too many secrets from you. There were just two, so which one had you started to pick up on.

“He has a secret that he’s had for years that he won’t tell me,” you pouted at him.

“Do you know what it is?”

“Yeah, Pete isn’t very good at keeping secrets,” Shit.

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you,” You replied, crossing his arms, “It’s Peter’s secret.”

He couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. You were so sweet and protective. He should’ve known better than to think you’d rat him out to someone you thought was a stranger. He’d just have to ask again when you were sober. 

Eventually, the two of you made it to his apartment. He had gotten a new one a while ago after he got evicted from his. Aunt May was helping him out until he got a new job, and he was working pretty hard on finding something just as fulfilling as his work with Otto. 

“What movie do you wanna watch?”

“Mmmmm, Superhero movie.”

“I didn’t know you were a fan of superheroes, (Y/n),” He chuckled.

“Mhm, I love Spider-man.”

He laughed a bit, causing you to pout, “I didn’t know you were a Spider-man fan.”

“No, I love Spider-man. I love him. He’s so smart and funny and caring.”

Peter couldn’t help that blush that coated his cheeks. He hoped maybe you were too drunk to notice. And lucky for him, you were. In fact, you had fallen asleep on his couch before he could even get the movie he had picked out started.

He smiled at you. You were kind of cute when you slept. You looked so calm. He had missed seeing you calm and happy. So much had happened, he was just glad you were ok. And alive. 

He carefully picked you up, he could pull buses and helicopters, lifting you up was really no problem. He decided that you could take the bed tonight. What kind of hero would he be if he made his friend sleep on the couch? He set you down carefully, tucking you in to the covers, before heading over to the ouch and making a little bed for himself. This might actually be the first night he had gotten a decent amount fo sleep in a couple of months. 

- - - - -

Waking up with a pounding headache should have been expected. Waking up in Peter’s bed with a glass of water a couple of painkillers next to you, however, wasn’t. And what was even more unexpected was the sounds of someone cooking breakfast coming from the other room. Did Peter even eat breakfast?

After taking the painkillers and drinking the water as quickly as possible, you wandered into the kitchen, your hair a complete mess and the clothes you were wearing to the party last night crumpled from being slept in. Standing over the stove, watching the food intently to avoid his habit of getting distracted and burning his cooking, you found Peter.

“Morning, Pete,” You yawn, sitting down at the table.

He turned towards you with a smile, “Morning, (Y/n). Are you feeling alright?’

“Mm, my head still hurts, but I’m sure that’ll go away. Thanks for letting me stay here. I hope I wasn’t too much of a bother.”

“Do you remember anything you told me last night?”

“Ugh, not really,” You shook your head, “The last thing I remember was calling you, honestly. I hope I didn’t say anything too stupid.”

“No, it’s not that,” He said, quickly getting distracted from your conversation, by the toast popping out of the toaster.

- - - - -

Eventually, he sat down at the table with you, placing a plate in front of you and another plate in front of himself. You really hadn’t realized how hungry you were until the food was right in front of you. And to be honest, Peter was getting pretty good at cooking.

“So what exactly did I say last night?” you asked, shoving food into your mouth. Did you eat last night? You couldn’t remember.

“Well, that you were in love with Spider-man,” Peter chuckled, but you knew that wasn’t really what he wanted to talk about. He was just trying to lighten the mood first. You still couldn’t help but blush. You supposed it was true, “But also that you knew that I was keeping a secret from you.”

“Oh.

“You still wouldn’t tell me what, though. I don’t think you knew you were talking to me. I appreciate the loyalty, but I’m wondering what secret I’m keeping from you.”

“Is there more than one, Pete?”

He froze.

“I know that you’re Spider-man, Pete. You really suck at keeping secrets. You think I can’t figure it out when you leave drawings for all your gadgets out all the time?”

“How long have you known?”

“A year or so? Maybe more?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

“I just didn’t want to get you swept up in anything. You know, with the villains I have to fight, Spider-man ends up with a lot of enemies. I just wanted to keep you away from that.” He sighed. He looked like he was trying to think of something to say until a realization crept its way onto his face, “In love with Spider-man, huh?”

You choke a bit on your food, causing Peter to laugh a bit, “No, we’re not changing the topic. You’re a superhero.”

“And you’re in love with my superhero self,” He laughs before it seems like his brain clicks again, “Wait if you already knew...”

“Um…”

“(Y/n)?”

“Um, hey, Just let me finish breakfast and I’ll head out. Really don’t worry about it, Pete,” You scrambled. You had avoided that conversation for years. You had sate through him dating MJ, through him risking his life over and over, through him crying to you over and over about everything in his life going wrong without saying anything. You really didn’t want this to be the point where you lose him.

“Woah, wait, no,” He looked panicked, “Why are you running away?”

“Look, Pete, I’ve avoided this conversation forever, I don’t want things to be awkward, or to make you feel like we can’t just hang out. I just don’t want you to stop being my friend,” You rambled, only cut off when Peter grabbed your hand, a grin on his face.

“Ask me again if there’s more than one secret.”

“What?”

“Ask.”

“Do you have more than one secret, Pete?” You were still pretty nervous, and you had no idea where he was going with this, but you trusted him. And you were pretty sure that he wasn’t going to make fun of you.

“Yeah. I’ve been keeping two secrets from you,” He said, “The first is that I’m Spider-man. And the second is that I’ve been in love with you for months.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” He said, “Remember a month or two after MJ and I broke up? When we went to the park in the middle of the night because neither of us could sleep? And we just talked for hours about life and our goals and everything? The next day I realized I was in love with you.”

“I guess you’re better at keeping secrets than I thought you were,” you laughed.

“I guess so,” he laughed, “But I don’t plan on keeping anymore.”

(A/N: This might be trash, but my Spider-man hyper fixation from when I was a kid is back full swing.)

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

I have an interesting idea. How about a shy reader who has been with Jaskier for a while. She’s interested in kink stuff, like spanking and bondage, but she doesn’t want to bring it up and risk Jaskier freaking out. But one day it just slips out and Jaskier is definitely willing to show here the ropes

Fandom: The WitcherPairing: Jaskier x ReaderWord Count: 1,853Rating: MTaglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak @whatevermonkey @mynamesoundslikesherlock @magic-multicolored-miracle @writingstudent @mlleecrivaine @amirahiddleston @ultracolorfulnerdcollection @coffee-and-stories  a/n: This was very fun to write, nonny, thank you! Hope you enjoy!

Every part of your life with Jaskier was thoroughly satisfying and sex was no exception. He was attentive and thorough and sweet and gentle. Sometimes just a little too gentle. You weren’t naïve despite how you may seem due to your naturally shy nature. You knew of some of the more… advanced maneuvers people could do in the bedroom and you were excited by the possibility. Still you weren’t sure how to bring it up. You didn’t want Jaskier to think that you were unsatisfied or worse think you were some sort of freak for wanting him to tie you up and find ways to use pain to heighten your pleasure. You almost asked several times when you were talking about the future. Jaskier was always asking what you wanted to do with it, what would make you happy, and you saw in his eyes a sort of unconditional love and appreciation that made you feel safe. But you overthought your words and the moment passed and you decided it would be something you brought up with grace and the proper context.

That is not what happened.

Jaskier had been retying a length of rope and your eyes watched the progression with avid interest.

“You know,” Jaskier said as he coiled, “I knew a sailor who taught me how to tie knots exceptionally well. I keep offering to tie people up for Geralt but he uses magic which sort of overshadows it.”

“You could tie me up.”

You spoke the words in a nearly breathless whisper that made Jaskier do a double-take, not certain that he had actually heard it until he saw the hungry way you watched him as he held the rope taut between his muscled forearm and large, capable hand.

“Is that something you’d enjoy?” he asked, genuinely curious and not a little bit surprised.

“I mean…” you floundered a bit, blushing and looking askance, “Well it’s not something I need per se…”

“That’s not what I asked,” Jaskier insisted, “I asked if you’d enjoy it.”

“Well I don’t know, I mean, I can’t say for sure that I would but… I might?” you glanced up to meet his eyes tentatively and saw nothing but a glint of excitement in the pale blue depths. He considered you carefully for a moment and then set the rope aside, moving over to sit next to you as he pulled out his notebook and quill.

“What’s that?” you asked, a little startled as he poised to write. You worried he may be about to pen the Ballad of the Lusty Wallflower but at the top he scrawled: TO DO.

“I would very much like you to tell me all of the things that clever little brain of yours has been thinking about trying and we can track it here,” he explained.

“Oh, a sex ledger,” you said. He bit his lip to keep from laughing and just nodded.

“At the top here we have ‘get tied up’ but tell me, lovely, what happens next?” he asked, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

“Oh gosh well I suppose most of the usual things. Touching, kissing, teasing… Perhaps… and this doesn’t require being tied up because honestly sometimes I think it sounds more exciting to just have to hold myself still. Like, you tell me to stay in a position and I just have to hold it while you do all sorts of debauched things to me,” your words came a bit faster as you stared into space, picturing the images you’d brought to mind a thousand times before, almost forgetting that Jaskier was there until you heard the frantic scribbling of his quill as he wrote it all down.

“Well don’t stop now,” he insisted, looking back up at you, “What else? Tell me everything.”

And you did. You told him about the spanking and the edging and the blindfolds and how much you craved a rougher touch, how powerful you imagined you would feel if he treated you less like a tender, precious thing and more of a sturdy, capable woman. He suggested a few of his own and clarified and vetoed items to be used on you (yes to a hairbrush, maybe one day with a belt though you’ll have to build up to it). By the time you were done Geralt had returned and your heart sank. You’d wanted to try at least one of things out but, though you had discussed a bit of voyeurism, fully doing it in front of Geralt was just a tad too far for your taste.

You traveled in near silence, Jaskier filling the empty air with songs and anecdotes and generally anything he could do to make Geralt nearly smile or, for your entertainment, scowl. You were thrilled when Geralt suggested staying in the nearest village and less thrilled when he rented only one room for the three of you. Though he knew that you and Jaskier were an item, you were usually good about timing things out so he never walked in on anything he’d rather not see. You suspected he used his witcher hearing to aid in that. But you didn’t want to have to share, tonight. You wanted the time and space to do everything and Jaskier sensed your disappointment. When Geralt left the room he was still casually fishing through his pack and the moment the door shut behind the witcher he crossed the room and bolted the door. When he turned back to face you he was transformed from the carefree bard to someone far more solemn and nearly stern.

“Take off your clothes,” he ordered in a voice he had never used with you before. You were struck by how quickly it affected you and you undid your laces with trembling fingers as he watched you, eyes blazing a path down your form. He rolled up the sleeves of his undershirt, eyes still on you as he bared his forearms. You’d seen every inch of his naked form but somehow this glimpse of flesh was more erotic, more charged than those moments you spent wrapped around his naked body.

“Turn around and rest your hands against the windowsill,” Jaskier commanded, roughly turning your body by your hips. You enjoyed the way he manhandled you, tossing your body around and bending you over lewdly as you grasped the wood framing the opaque window. You could see the dark forms of people walking past and this thrilled you all the more.

“If you move a muscle I will refuse you your release, do you understand me, Y/N?” he growled into your ear, nipping your lobe at the end of his words. You arched against him and though he was still fully clothed you felt him, hard and straining against his trousers, and your need grew.

“I said do you understand me?” you he asked.

“Yes,” you answered breathlessly.

“Good girl,” he murmured, “Now, before this continues, we need a word to say if anything happens that you want stopped. It can be any sort of word, just one you feel you will remember.”

“Roach,” you said. There was a pause and an odd choking sound as Jaskier fought back more laughter.

“Perhaps not the name of a companion. Right idea, just… it may be awkward to cry out the horse’s name in a moment of overstimulation, yes?”

“Ah… good point… What about lute?” you offered. You gasped as you felt his large, calloused hand touch your back, following the path of your spine until it landed on your ass.

“So if I do this,” he said, giving a little smack that made you jump, “And you don’t like it or you want me to stop, you’ll say lute. Do you understand the rules?”

“Yes.”

“Repeat them for me,” he ordered.

“If something happens I don’t like, I say lute,” you replied.

“And?” he asked. You thought for a moment and then another swat came.

“You keep your hands on the windowsill,” he said, “I won’t remind you a second time.”

You nodded and again his open fist came down on you, pulling a gasp that bled into a moan.

“Use your words,” he growled.

“Yes,” you said, fingers grasping the windowsill as proof of your determination to obey.

“Good,” he said, nodding at you appraisingly, “Now we don’t have much time, and there is too much I want to do to you to do it all justice tonight. But a taste is in order. So you stay just as you are and let me show you just how capable I think you are.”

He roughly parted your legs and you felt him palm you, chuckling at how wet you already were.

“I haven’t even touched you yet and look how badly you want me,” he murmured, lips trailing down your spine as he knelt. You craned your neck to see what he was doing but soon it was apparent as his tongue replaced his hand. His hands gripped your calves and it wasn’t long before he felt you trembling. You clutched the windowsill for dear life but when he began to teasingly circle your clit, the faintest brushes that stoked but didn’t satisfy as you wanted, one of your hands fell to his head. He pulled away, rising imperiously over you, face slick and red.

“What was the rule?” he asked.

“Um. Keep my hand on the windowsill,” you answered, feeling a thrill shoot up your spine at the look he gave you, disappointment that couldn’t fully hide the glimmer of excitement in his own eyes at the chance to punish you.

“You disobeyed, love, that has consequences,” he said. He looked pointedly at your hand and quirked an eyebrow, prompting you to place it back where it was supposed to be. One hand slid into your hair, seizing a handful and holding your neck taut while the other teasingly traced up and down your skin, still sensitive from prior spankings. He pulled his hand back and you tensed in anticipation.

The doorknob rustled and Jaskier released you quickly as Geralt knocked on the door.

“Jaskier, let me in,” Geralt called.

“Uh, just a moment Geralt!” Jaskier called as you scrambled to pull your dress back on, suddenly grateful that Jaskier had stayed clothed. Jaskier attempted to adjust himself to hide his still painfully hard erection, glancing back to make sure you were dressed before he unbolted the door and swung it open with an overly casual gesture. Geralt peered between him and you and muttered something under his breath.

“The innkeeper would like to know if you’ll be gracing them with a performance tonight,” Geralt said, clearly annoyed at being the messenger.

“Of course!” Jaskier said before turning to you, “Y/N, would you like to accompany me?”

“Yes,” you said, “I’ll fetch your lute.”

There was a tense pause at the word where you and Jaskier shared a heated look that deeply confused and worried Geralt but he hadn’t survived this long by putting his nose where he knew nothing but trouble lurked so he simply grunted and walked away.

[pianodoesterror]

2020 Fanfic in Review

tagged by the realest, @veganthranduil - thaaank you.

I reversed the question order a bit because, like veganthranduil, my list of fics written this year is... extensive. And that’s also how they did it so.

Takeaways from reflecting on your kick-ass writing, or kick-ass lack of writing, during a year more focused on survival than perhaps any other:

I wrote a lot. So much. I went from 59 fics to 100 and that’s just... show’s how boring my year was. There is a lot of familiar themes and vibes in my fics that I am highly aware of; I think they are as much for comfort as they are for ease tbh. Who doesn’t love people in room’s expression emotions. I also wrote some short fics - which aren’t even that short - but that felt good and it forced me to be more economical as I usually am.

Also, this year I learned the difference between ‘sitting’ and ‘sat’ and ‘stood’ and ‘standing’, although there is not guarantee on whether I use them correctly on the first attempt.

I really enjoyed the two women’s POV I got to do (incidentally, for both of the exchanges I signed up to this year), especially Ann Ross’. 

Most surprising fic you wrote this year:

Uuuh, a threesome involving Sophia for the fitzier fic exchange. I never really considered doing an actual threesome despite thoughts because Who would be in it? Also so many limbs. And I had considered a Sophia pov, but not for this, and certainly not modern. But despite false starts, and periods of abject dejection, I got it done and I’m kinda proud of it.  

How you grew as a writer this year:

I think my voices became clearer, my descriptions took on a snappiness. I took style risks and I think they mostly paid off. Also, first time I’ve taken ‘research’ trips for fics, but how can I noooot ships are so cool and so is Greenwich (who’s high-street has the best ice cream shop btw)

What’s coming in 2021:

WELL. There is only one WIP in my google doc’s rn. And it’s a present for my friend lobsterbang who threw the idea at me on a calculated whim and I grabbed it and overthought it, because then I could actually use my degree and the stuff I specialise in at work this year 😭. -  Tozer/FJ, Romans.

  What is planned from my bingo card;

Three scenes that might be in the Let the River Rush In universe.

Capetown, Dundy/FJ

Rossier, which could be one thing or another, I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Fics written this year:

There’s so many i’m so sorry

Fitzier;

you found me beautiful once (G) - a spooky drabble to go with art by @matt-j-freeman 

sunset and evening star, and one clear call for me (M)( hinted Fitzier and past Rossier, and Gibson/Hickey). First chpt posted about this time last year, but was finished in February 2020, a colab with @lobsterbang about how we thought they would get home within the context and intentions of the show. Also Hickey is suuuper creepy and FJ gets to shoot rockets.

the snow grows from the ground up (M) - 5+1, FJ is jealous of Crozier until he isn’t. 

and all I've done for want of wit (T) - James dies, and wanders through everyone else’s afterlife, waiting for his own to arrive. 

the world will always smell of salt  (M) - where, much like the real expedition, they are forced into cannibalism to survive (rated M cause it’s not graphic cannibalism but a dude still gets ate)

Oh, why would you weep, my friends, for me? (T) - the greatest tragedy of Francis’ life, coming to see him through the last day of his life. (wrote this in 24hrs and I am very proud of it)

gathering primroses series (M) - Trans Francis, FJ and Francis being comfortable with one another. The OG fic might be the best thing I wrote this year. 

all the boards did shrink series (E) - pwp, FJ own’s a dildo, that’s all you need to know. 

let the river rush in (E-T) get’s it’s own little bit. The last 8 (eight!) fic’s of the series were written this year. My baby. My cosy universe of Francis and James working out how to be the men who survived all that happened, all while navigating sexuality and gender and their own selves. 

Fic’s go from; whatever stirs this mortal frame (E) - where James is in his corset and split seam knickers being fussy and bossy. TO it hangs like flax upon a distaff (M) - Crimean war erectile dysfunction (not a sentence I thought i’d ever type). And from lately i've been fine, floating away (E) in which Francis bottoms for the first time, TO the bit of me still at sea (M) - where James is posted to the Med fleet and Francis potters about without him, both unhappy to be parted but used to a sailors life. And a honourable mention to by the time you are Real (G) where FJ is highly relatable and finally starts processing 10 years after the Expedition. 

For Fitzconte;

Way haul away... ,(M) series. in which Dundy belongs to a story that is very different from the one happening about him. 

Clio Goes West (M)series, in which - they go swiming in Yemen, eat dates, and get one another off. The Basra Marshes are very beautiful and sticky, and so are they. And - Nebet attacks.

It isn’t much fun for one, but two (G)- the Dundy and Jas orign story.

For Rossier;

Oh, a nice watch below wouldn’t do us any arm.(M) - HMS Fury days, larking in the gunroom.

positive values of inclination (M) -handsomest man in the royal navy sucks dick to unwind and manages to be a nerd about it

For Fitzjames/Tozer (lobsterbang);

magnitude and definite direction (M) - James is a nerd and they misuse a jollyboat.

marriage, in the maltese style (M) - FJ is off home and is gonna have to behave himself. so says goodbye to Malta in the company of a obliging marine. 

how prettily he foots it with his hands (M) - Mr Fitzjames stars as Queen Fadladinia, and gets quite a memorable standing ovation

Misc; 

we've got one thing in common, its this tongue of yours (E) - Fitzier exchange, modern AU threesome with requested pegging.

and of their shadows deep (G) - Rossier exchange. Ann Ross pov (which I LOVED doing), her reaction to Francis’ disappearance, and reflection on her friendship with him.

I tag @norvegiae @laissezferre @junomarlowe @lobsterbang @clockheartedcrocodile if they would like to do it

[connorandersons-blog]

Oh goodness I wrote the prompt and kept going. So uhhhh warning for smut! (I'm so sorry fksbsk)

@fortyfivefries

-----------

Their computers were glitching. It wasn't too uncommon but it was still incredibly frustrating. He had to actually submit a report into a computer, and now the high-tech computers they had were out of commission. 

So they had older models brought in. They were so much bulkier than the other types. They should still be fairly easy to use. 

He sat down in front of the computer and booted it up. Why he had to actually use a computer and not do it from his brain was beyond him. Police politics, ugh. 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. The report. He started writing it up, easily doing so from his memory. The case was simple enough but it had ties to red ice, so they had asked Gavin to help out. 

He worked for a bit until Gavin interrupted his train of thought. 

"Hey, Tincan it's about lunch, so we're gonna head out. You wanna come?" Gavin calls. He still didn't have the necessary parts to eat, but he appreciated the offer nonetheless. 

He looked down at his half-written report and stood up, turning the computer off. He stands and grabs his jacket from the back of his chair. "I'd love to." 

Gavin nods then squints just slightly. "Did… did you save? Some of these older computers don't save automatically." Connor felt his heart stop. Everything saved for you now, he hadn't even thought of that. 

Now he had just hasted so much time. He should have known! If he wasn't so distracted by Gavin's request he would have thought to save, but he hadn't. "Shit," He grumbled, reaching up and tugging at his hair. 

Gavin chuckled and walked over. "That was by far the stupidest thing you've ever done." Connor sent him a glare and sat back down. There was no way he could take a break now. "Don't worry, I'll help." 

Gavin grabbed a chair and wheeled it over, plopping into with a sigh. Connor really wanted the help, and Gavin's company but humans needed to eat. 

"Detective-" he starts, but Gavin sends him a glare, "Gavin, you don't need to help me. It was my mistake. You should go enjoy lunch." He turned the computer back on, trying to stare at it instead of Gavin. 

"Eh, not that hungry anyway." He shrugged. 

"Do you know how to fix this? Is there a way to get it back?" He really fucking hoped there was. If so then they could go to lunch, if not? Well Connor was screwed and not in the fun way. 

Gavin snorted and shook his head. "For a computer with feelings you don't seem to know much about computers." That was fair but that didn't stop him from reaching over and cuffing him over the head. 

Gavin yelps, even though he didn't hit him that hard. "Fucking androids." Gavin muttered, but he didn't mean it maliciously. He hadn't meant it maliciously since before the revolution. 

The old computer finally loads up and they get back to work, this time with many more interruptions. "Get me a coffee, dipshit." Gavin mumbles. Connor rolls his eyes and stands. 

He really didn't mind getting him coffee, after all, he was helping him. He jogged over to the break room and quickly made the coffee the way he knew Gavin liked it. It wasn't the first time he'd helped him and Hank on a case. 

He walked back over and sat down, handing Gavin the cup. He looked at the screen and sighed, rolling his eyes. "Gavin, using bullet points isn't acceptable in an official report like this." 

He reached over and batted Gavin's hands away from the computer, trying to keep his blushing at bay. Gavin was definitely a tactile person, and Connor could be too, but hands were generally very… personal part of androids. They could interface with other androids this way, which was often used between couples or loved ones. 

"So pushy, if I didn't know better I'd say you just like touching me." Ah, yes. How could he ever forget that fact. Once Gavin's friend it seemed he'd flirt with the person, no matter his interest in them. 

Connor hummed and bumped him with his shoulder. "Maybe I do." Gavin snorted and rolled his eyes like that was an impossible concept. That was another thing about Gavin, no matter how confident he acted he was always so self-conscious. 

Most people wouldn't notice the way he tried to blend into the background when he didn't want to be seen. Or how he made self-deprecating jokes. He almost never doubted himself on a case, but Connor could tell he overthought most other things. 

"Let's get back to work." Gavin said, changing the subject. Connor sighed but nodded, looking at the computer. 

Gavin made remarks, not all pertaining to the case, as they worked. He did give good insights, but he was more distracting than anything else. That was completely Connor's fault, but he did his best to stay focused. 

He tapped a pen against his lips in thought, before holding it between his teeth as he used his hands to type. It wasn't unusual for him to bite, suck, or just hold things in his mouth as he worked. 

He didn't even realize he was doing it until Gavin reached over and pulled it out of his mouth. He blinked a few times and looked over. Gavin's face was flushed, and eyes wide but he wasn't looking at Connor. Actually, it seemed like he was trying to look anywhere but. 

"Gavin?" He asked, tilting his head just slightly. Gavin glanced at him, then quickly away, his face becoming even redder. 

"You were fucking sucking on this thing like a-" he cuts himself off, shaking his head. 

He tries to go over his memory of what he had been doing but it mostly comes up blank, his mind being too focused on the case and Gavin. "Like a what, Gavin?" 

Gavin sighs and drops the pen onto the desk. "Like a fucking dick. Or maybe a sucker, I don't know!" 

Connor's eyes widened and quickly looked at the pen. Had he been doing that? He hadn't meant to, but maybe he did. Oh goodness, he knew his face was turning blue. 

But… he quickly looked up at Gavin. He didn't even need to scan him to know his heart rate was higher. Gavin shifts in his seat and Connor's eyes slide down and… fuck. Huh. He was not really expecting that. 

"I… uh," he stutters out. 

Gavin quickly stands, "fuck." He practically runs to the bathroom before Connor can stop him. 

He had a few choices. He could go after Gavin, talk to him and maybe… help with his problem. Sit here and wait until he comes back and talk to him about it. Or, he could try to forget. Yeah, two out of the three options didn't sound as good as the first. 

He quickly stood and jogged over to the bathroom, not bothering to knock. He walked in, and saw only one stall occupied. "Gavin?" 

"Fuck off, Tincan." Gavin calls out. There's a thud which Connor assumes is Gavin banging his head on the stall. 

Connor walked over to the stall, hesitating for a second. "Gavin… I could—no—I want to help." He knew his voice didn't sound as confident as he wanted it to. 

There was a brief second of silence where Connor was sure Gavin would turn him down. Then the lock clicked open, and Connor took the invitation. 

The stall wasn't big so he didn't have too much room as he walked in, locking the door behind him. Gavin's eyes were wide, and his pupils were huge. 

He once again hesitated for only a second before reaching out and gently cupping Gavin's face. He knew he could just slide down to his knees, do it and be done. But he wanted this. He wanted Gavin. 

"Fucking hell." Gavin muttered before closing the very small distance between them. Connor makes a small, please sound at the back of his throat as they kiss. It was far from romantic, being in a bathroom and all, but that didn't make it any less enjoyable. 

It doesn't take long until Gavin is panting, and Connor pulls away to kiss and bite down his neck. "Fuck! Fucking-ah-fucking hell Connor." Gavin moans out, eyes fluttered closed. 

Connor grins and finally sinks to the floor. He unzips Gavin and pulls his pants and underwear down in one fluid motion. Gavin's eyes fly open and he looks down at Connor. 

Gavin runs his hands through Connor's hair as he licks him from base to the tip. He looks up through his eye lashes as he slowly takes him into his mouth. 

Gavin's hands tighten in his hair, trying to keep himself at least somewhat quite. The pulling makes Connor whine, but he doesn't pull off. He doesn't need to breathe and he doesn't have a gag reflex, benefits of being an android. 

He starts off slowly, holding Gavin's hips still against the wall. Of course, Gavin tries to squirm, but Connor keeps him still. He swirls his tongue around the head, smirking when Gavin's breath caught. 

"Fuck, Connor!" Gavin sighs, wanking on his hair, and Connor takes him completely in his mouth again. Part of him wants to draw this out, he wants to watch as Gavin comes undone. But, they had work to do. 

He gently massaged Gavin's thighs where he held them, making a pleased hum when Gavin sighs. "Fuck, Con, I'm close." 

Connor hums around him and speeds up his pace. Gavin whines and yanks on his hair. Connor takes the hint and takes him all the way, swallowing around him. That seems to do the trick as Gavin let's out a mix of a shout and whine, coming down his throat. 

Once Gavin is completely finished Connor leans back, and wipes at his mouth. He'd have to do a system clean, but he didn't mind. Gavin is still panting and leaning heavily on the wall as Connor stands. 

"Fucking hell, Connor. Where the fuck did you learn that?" Gavin mumbled, not even bothering to clean himself yet. 

Connor smiled and brushed a few strands of hair out of Gavin's face. "I just did what felt right." Gavin gave a small hum, then his eyes went wide. 

"Wait, fuck have you even been kissed before?" Gavin reaches out and gently holds his hand. 

Connor blinks a few times. "I have been kissed, but it didn't go anywhere." He had been kissed exactly three times, and one of them he'd rather not think about ever again. 

"Shit," Gavin cursed under his breath. "Sorry your first time, well first time blowjob, was in a bathroom with me."

Connor frowned and gently cupped his face again, leaning in to kiss him slowly. He pulls back, even though he doesn't want to. "I'm very glad it was with you." 

Gavin's eyes slowly open and he grins at Connor, pulling him into another kiss. 

They both freeze when the bathroom door opens, but thankfully the person just goes into a stall. They don't say anything as they stare at each other. 

Whoever it is doesn't take long, and is out of the bathroom quick. Connor sighs and Gavin chuckles, finally reaching for the toilet paper to clean himself up.

Connor tried to give him room, but the stall was quite small. "We should get back to work." He says, pulling them out of the stall once Gavin's pants are back on. 

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't suck on any more pens and we'll both live." Gavin said, reaching out to hold Connor's hand. 

"I make no promises."

[waterparchive]

Track By Track: ‘FANDOM’ with Waterparks

Brii Jamieson – October 21, 2019

Because who better to explain 'FANDOM' than the lads in Waterparks?

So now that we've all had a chance to listen to Waterparks' new album 'FANDOM' and properly mull it over and digest it, we thought that this would be an opportune moment to go through the album in more detail. But rather than us explaining the themes and nuances of the songs on the album, we asked Waterparks to talk us through each track on 'FANDOM'. Here we go.

01. ‘Cherry Red’ Awsten Knight: “I had another demo that I was doing of [‘Cherry Red’], and the file got corrupted. And I was like, ‘Fuck’. I couldn’t open it anymore, and dragged in all the pieces of audio, and just made new tracks of audio. I was going to try and rearrange it to the way I had it, but I pressed play and it sounded like ‘Cherry Red’ when it kicks in. I was just in my room like, ‘Oh shit!’ I was like, ‘Well that’s that’.

“That was fucking wild - but that’s the start to the best album in the world. It gives hints to the last song, because that last song goes, ‘So I must be dead’, and this one’s like, ‘You know I’d die for you’ - get it?”

02. ‘Watch What Happens Next’ Awsten: “‘Watch What Happens Next’ is me just being all, ‘Fuck y’all’. Not all of y’all, just like, a lot of y’all. Most of y’all. All of y’all!

“I overthink shit, a lot of shit. I’m in a band. I overthink being in a band a lot. And one of those things that I’ve overthought is how most other genres are able to celebrate their successes, and it’s a very looked-down-on thing in ‘band world’ to talk about most shit besides feelings. It’s really weird, and it doesn’t really make sense. It’s naïve to pretend that that’s the only thing that exists, and also kind of bad because it panders to people that are just stuck in this cycle of being fucking sad all the time. It makes for mopey high school kids - like me!

“It’s about, in the same regard, how bands aren’t allowed to experiment as much with music as other kinds of people. This isn’t me shitting on it - this is me saying we should be allowed to do it. But hip-hop albums that I really love are super fuckin’ artsy, and if a band were to do that it would be like, ‘What the fuck are y’all doing?’ because when a band switches up the tiniest little thing, [fans] are not about it at all. And it’s super dogshit, it’s very weird, and I think it holds the genre back as a whole, so it was a very frustrating thing for me. So I wrote about it, as I tend to do.”

03. 'Dream Boy' Awsten: “‘Dream Boy’ is about fan expectations. It’s about being built into something, based on an idealised version of you - an unwarranted one, at that - where people look at you as a certain thing. They see you online as, ‘Oh, he’s this and this and this’, and they put what they need you to be into their heads. It’s built into this thing that you cannot live up to, and it’s ultimately going to lead to disappointment - on their end, and my end, because it doesn’t feel good to let people down. But that’s just what happens. Pop banger, dude!”

04. 'Easy To Hate' Awsten: “That one was a ‘Friendly Reminder’ song actually, but it was just a really good song and everyone said I should keep it, and I was just like, ‘Yo, you’re right’. It’s about a break up. Yeah.”

05. 'High Definition' Awsten: “You guys are gonna make me cry by the end of this, and I’m gonna be like, ‘I hope you’re happy with this feature and you get your clicks’. Here we go.

“‘High Definition’ was the latest set of lyrics written for the album - it was the last thing. It’s about not being able to get close to people, because of what we do, being gone all the time. Or, you know, starting to have some kind of stature and not trusting the people who hit you up, because people may not have done so much before.

“There’s a song that’s all, ‘Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me’ [Mike Jones’ ‘Back Then’] - but not in like a bragalicious way. It’s an, ‘I’m like really lonely, I hate all of this’, kind of way. It’s like that.”  

06. 'Telephone' Awsten: “‘Telephone’ was written when I was super fucking depressed - surprise - and I was at Target. I saw a cute girl at Target, and instead of being like, ‘Sup’ - I would have never done that anyway - I went home and wrote a super obsessive love song, and it was so tight.”

Geoff Wigington: “He called me and was like, ‘Dude, I’ve just seen the prettiest person at Target, I don’t even know what to do - I can’t find them now. I think I’m just gonna go home and write about it’.”

Awsten: “Did that happen?”

Geoff: “Yeah!”

Awsten: “Alright. Either way, I also don’t remember what they look like anymore. Because I saw the responses when I said that were like, ‘What does she look like, blah blah blah missed connection’, and I honestly don’t remember. It was like, January 2018. Yeah, so that song’s that.

“There’s another reason that it almost wasn’t on the album - the original version was kind of pop-punk sounding, and I was like, ‘Fuck that’. But the other reason is, I was trying to decide if it takes away from the album - but it doesn’t though. Because with some of the other themes of the album, it counts as the sugar-spike in [‘Fandom’]. Because when you’re dealing with some shit, you have hard ups and downs, and it’s kind of like a manic thing. It’s lodged between ‘High Definition’ which is a very lonely, isolating song, then you’ve got the ‘AAAAAAH!’ (we pretend that ‘Group Chat’ isn’t a thing for a second), and we have ‘Turbulent’. So it’s between those guys. That’s how it’s meant to be. It’s like, low - very high - very low.”

07. ‘Group Chat' Awsten: “Let’s talk ‘Group Chat’ dude.” [They literally just performed ‘Group Chat’ here. That’s the whole thing].

08. ‘Turbulent’ Awsten: “I was like, ‘I’m done with break up songs dude, I’m over it’. Then I got re-mad at some new shit. Then I was like, ‘You know what though, if we’re gonna do this, it’s gotta be crazy different from everything else, sonically and lyrically’, so instead of approaching it like, ‘Eh’, it was like, ‘Fuck you nerd, I’m way tighter than all of this shit’. Oh my god, and then sonically it was just so dark and shiny and fast, and I was like, ‘This is the best’. [‘Turbulent’] was the turning point for ‘Fandom’ - that was the first thing made after being like, ‘You know what, that one is not going to work, we’re gonna start over’. That was the first thing, and then I was like, ‘Oh, this is what we’re supposed to be doing, alright’.”

09. 'Never Bloom Again' Awsten: “That song has been in the process of being written since 2015. I’ve got real old versions of that. But the thing is, it just kept evolving - I kept doing new verses, and changing things in the hook and stuff like that. And there was a version of it that was ready around the time of ‘Entertainment’ - it wasn’t quite the same, but the reason it wasn’t on there was because I was like, ‘If it’s only 10 songs, there shouldn’t be two acoustic. That might be overkill’.”

10. 'I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore' Awsten: “‘I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don’t Wanna Die Anymore’ is about missing having sex… but not wanting to die anymore. In the verses, I was just trying to talk directly to the fans - the first one that’s like, ‘Stop asking me that, don’t ask me that, I don’t wanna do that, I don’t wanna do that either’. It’s always somebody’s birthday. Always. But that song leaves nothing to be imagined… If somebody is like, ‘What’s that line mean?’, I’d be like, ‘Can you read?’. When I say all the lyrics in this album are a lot more blunt, this one is the perfect example of that.”

11. 'War Crimes' Awsten: “Oh. Bud-dy. Oh my lord. What a crazy song. Initially there was another version - or when I first started doing it, it was like a girly base and I was like, ‘Shut up Awsten! We’ve got way tighter shit to say’. It’s me venting about the past year and a half, but it’s like an overview of that time, and is just me bitching about all of it, because bitching is great.

“I mean, we’ve toured a lot, so we’ve experienced a lot with other bands. We’ve experienced a lot just with other people in general and how they are, and how they treat you when things suck - or when things are tight. Or how they treat me because I’m the singer, and he’s just the drummer!”

12. ‘[REBOOT]’ Awsten: “Oh man, that’s like the pettiest breakup song, but it’s so great. I sing so quick in that song, it’s really fun. I wanted that one to come out before [the album] because I worry when songs are towards the back of the album that they’re just not gonna be heard as much, and it’s just a little more sonically… I don’t wanna say low-key - but other songs slam, or I’m like screaming and shit. I wanted to make sure it got its highlight.

“And plus, shout out to those Marilyn Manson-sounding vocals in the chorus - because I didn’t want it to stay the same dynamically, but when we tried to make it go up it just sounded dumb. I was like, ‘Do you know what we have to do? We have to go gloomier. Just sink that bottom half with some real dark shit, some real minor stuff in there’. We made it sound just like Marilyn Manson and it was crazy, and I was like ‘there it is! Bop!’.”

13. ‘Worst’ Awsten: “‘Worst’ was written in March 2019. That’s a lie.

“‘Worst’ started the way most demos do - on the laptop. But then I got upset! And I went and walked to Starbucks and put it on YouTube one morning after seeing some stuff online, and left it unlisted for a minute because I knew our old label would be like ‘waaa’ about it. So I left it up for a minute on unlisted so if people had the link they could find it, but then I deleted the tweet. So I just let it circulate, and dude that shit had like 30,000 views, which back then was like, a lot - because that was back before ‘Entertainment’. Then they made me put it on private, because they found that and Felony Steve: rest in peace Felony Steve (he’ll be back). But then people kept re-uploading it, and one of them has like 400,000 something views right now, which is crazy. So I was just like, ‘I think I can do that song way fucking better’, and sonically it’s completely different now. Yeah, that song is fuckin’ tight. It’s one of the more genre-unique songs on the album.”

14. ‘Zone Out’ Awsten: “‘Zone Out’ came before ‘Dream Boy’ - it was stuck in my head for a long time, and finally I just recorded that chip-tune version of it, for me. But it was kind of ad-libby and shit. So once I got more of the lyrics together I did that. I was just listening to it on repeat because I was like, ‘This is so beautiful’, but then I was like, ‘You know what, this song should be like a full-on pop banger’, and then ‘Dream Boy’ happened. But it’s meant to be like a reflection at the end of the album, kind of like, after all this shit. And it’s kind of more shaky sounding, low… a little more sarcastic at that point.”

15. ‘I Felt Younger When We Met' Awsten: “What a fuckin’ hit. Yeah, that song, there was a version of it for ‘Friendly Reminder’, but it was just super light and it just didn’t do its job. I was like, ‘It’s just not impacting the way it needs to, so it needs to be rewritten’, and now it’s the fucking most insane intro on the entire album - oh my god. When we first got that at the studio, I was in the car with it and I was just like, ‘Woah’, turned it up way to loud, and just started it over when it got to the verse. So crazy.

“That song lyrically links back in to ‘Cherry Red’ - because it’s all meant to be very cohesive, even with the album art and stuff like that. Like the clock hands on the orange - that’s supposed to be the visual, and the ticking at the end represents that it’s about to start over again. Because it’s cyclical! Because guess what, dude? One of the fucking themes, part of the concepts of ‘Fandom’ is grief, and grief is a fucking loopy thing, it’s not a straight path - sometimes you gotta start over again. And you know what? The album did that: sonically, visually, conceptually. It’s a concept album, give us a five.”

https://www.rocksound.tv/features/read/track-by-track-fandom-with-waterparks

[those-pink-specs]

So, um, yeah … I finally finished my great long rave about the Klámstrákur video … make of it what you will …

Maybe this is a load of hot garbage, but my starting point was what they’ve said about self-image and toxic masculinity.

But I reckon that if your toxic masculinity shows up in a latex crop-top and corset, there’s probably something interesting going on.

I had a quiet Sunday a couple of weeks ago, so I watched it really, really slowly and overthought the hell out of it.

Sssooo … tl;dr (because the bit after the cut is really long).

What if ..

·         the lighting and colours (and costumes) have consistent meaning, and are part of the storytelling?

·         it’s basically all an attack of angst in a bathroom: an internal power struggle with no clear winner?

·         everyone who appears is part of that person’s own psyche (except Einar, who is a memory)?

 I’m definitely not saying that any of my thoughts are a ‘right’ interpretation, or especially original for that matter. It was just fun to fit all the bits into a nice pattern that makes sense – at least to me.

[Even I’m quite surprised by how much I had to say about this in the end...]

Klámstrákur

The toxic-masculinity-in-a-corset interpretation

*TW: low key for discussion about anxiety and gender angst. Nothing heavy, but, hey, I know how easy they can be to set off at times …*

 So, this thing is Art and it can mean basically anything you want it to.

Most people see a narrative around sex work. The lyrics make it hard to get away from, in fact (though could be a metaphor for queerness – but never mind that). Anyhow, while I agree that sex work is the background, in my overthinky way, I don’t think the song is about that, precisely.

I like to overlay it with the idea that the two voices are the same person, and we’re mostly having a tour through his angst. This works okayish for the song on its own, but it’s much better in the video (or so I think).

Anyhow, we start in the bathroom. The scene is saturated in a deep, velvety red light. (I’m going to talk about lighting a lot.) A choir hums gently in the background. Our lad stumbles in, washes his face and has one of those ‘is that really me?’ moments in the mirror.

He shakes his head, as though trying to dispel bad thoughts – and that’s where we immediately go … and stay.

Bad thoughts.

We get a flash of Einar alone in a theatre. Then three nearly subliminal flashes of Matthías as we see him at the end. Only with his head in hands like this:

(Sorry for the shitty screen shot. Perfect gifs of this bit do exist, just not here.)

This has got to mean something, surely. It’s not there by accident. I pause to mention it now, but I’ll come back to it later…

 00:25 – … on stage…

A curtain brushes aside and we’re on stage. My interpretation is that the stage is his perception of the outside world and/or memory of the recent past.

Why? Because that’s where Einar is – and it’s the only place we see him. Einar is the only ‘outside’ person we see. So he’s being recalled and thought about as an audience. It’s a perfect metaphor for playing a role, as the outside world looks on. As I flippantly said on another post – Einar is the ‘male gaze’ on this rather ambiguous body. (I wrote it as a weird academic joke [‘male gaze’ is a feminist art theory thing], then went … oh wait … what if he is?)

And then … there’s that red light bathing everything in the theatre. I think the red represents (or reinforces) a concept. Possibly desire … for sex, sexuality, submission, androgynous or feminine expression … money, whatever – anything except the accepted norm for a nice cis-het bloke, basically.

We’re just 26 seconds in at this point – and our lad is recalling stripping off and dancing on his pole for Male Gaze Einar. But the recollection is starting to make him feel guilty, ashamed, anxious and sick (or just more so than he already was). He starts to panic, and think he’s dying – as you do. But he’s not really dying: it’s anxiety.

His thoughts start to circle. There’s a nightmarish hospital trolley – that he’s literally chained into (perhaps by the anxiety if we want to really push the metaphor – or at least by those serious-looking girls in catsuits). And then there’s the theatre where he’s dancing like the sinful, slinky mink he accuses himself of being.

The first time we see the trolley (at 0:59), it’s in a blue corridor –the first real change from the red – but as the other three in the scene approach, the trolley swings slowly back into a red corridor. Then, just as we get to the end of the intro … ég sé að deya (1:16)… back onto stage.

Don’t worry – I’m not going through the whole thing this slowly. In fact, for the first verse – where we’re hearing about what a degraded, weak little smut addict he considers himself to be – it’s mostly visual escalation. We cut between him being strapped tighter into the trolley in the red corridor, the stage, and a few shots of Male Gaze Einar starting to look … frisky…

At the end of the verse, it’s crisis time, because we get our first, momentous: Þú ert klámstrákur!!! … and so enters Matthías properly.

He’s mostly lit with blue. He’s wearing some very important pink specs (ahem) and a lab coat. And he is most certainly playing the part of ‘toxic masculinity’ as in internalised shame, guilt, and a self-hating need to conform to society’s expectations of maleness. He’s a part of our pole dancer’s psyche, though. Not someone else shouting at him: just his own desire to be someone else, to be another way. To be in control of himself. To not be gay or gender-bendy or a pole dancer … or whatever.

So I see something implied in the settings and lighting: red scenes, desire and immersion in the klámstrákur lifestyle; blue scenes, self-loathing and a need to control, purify and conform. And it’s a real tussle with … I think … no clear winner.

 01:45 … The spin out

I particularly like the next little bit.

Don’t look now, but between one bellow from Matthías and the next, we’re back on stage. And Einar has got a bit over-excited and is clambering over the seats. As in a dream, the pole has transformed into a chair full of pole dancer, and in one of the most memorable snippets, we get fingers tenderly/sexily making their way down Klemens’s chest.

Let’s enjoy a crappy screen shot of that for no reason at all:

[… oh my …]

And then that fabulous chair spin from the red stage to the blue clinic room (screen shots do not do it justice, so please just replay that bit in your head … I’ll wait …)

… Now how about this?

When he stumbled into the bathroom at the start – he was just starting to get anxious. And that bit with Einar was what set him off. Desire for some stranger. A touch. Something too gay or too … something … for his self-loathing part to handle. He panics, spins out and goes into cold self-hatred (blue clinic) needing to regain control, and to conform and purify.

And from the two minute mark – right through the next bit of verse where he lists all the things that ‘sometimes’ happen – that’s what’s going on. The list maybe be factual, or his fantasies, or angsty exaggeration, or some of each. It doesn’t matter, he seems to think he needs or deserves the treatment he’s getting, and submits to it wholly, like a góður drengur.

But – as I said at the start, that toxic masculinity in control of the situation is dressed a wee bit less masculine than you might expect. I mean – when you think about gender-panicky homophobes IRL, you don’t usually think latex crop-top and corset. But maybe it’s more about domination and control. This is the part of the psyche that seeks and exerts those things – so dominatrix chic may be just the ticket.

Anyhow, he’s bathed in the purity of that blue light, busily head-massaging away the gay, while screaming at himself for being filthy and disgusting.

[This is so fucking camp … why am I like this?]

 02:30 – ambiguity – or who’s the anxious one here anyhow?

From here on, things get really ambiguous and therefore really interesting.

New setting: this is a chamber with a nice pole in it, and windows so the Matthías character (now in a nice fluffy red coat that just screams ‘pimp’) and the serious girls in catsuits can watch at a safe distance.

And our pole-dancing boy is released from captivity for observation. And what happens then?

This …

Followed by this …

This little backward glance. An implied moment of eye contact.

What do you see? Is porn boy anxious? Unsure? Obedient?

Well, maybe.

But I like my queer boys a bit bolshy, so I see defiance. A look that says: ‘Think you can control me? Well game on, bitch.’

Because he really goes for it on the pole after that. Surely that lightning-quick crotch grab at 02:43, when he’s being called ógeðslegur karlmaður is a very clear ‘fuck you’!

[Really though?

Well why not?]

It’s easy to listen to the Eurosonic version and hear the Klemens voice suffer and panic, and just assume that he’s a victim. There’s no real story line to the lyrics, but the Matthías voice gets the last word, so we naturally suppose that our poor little filthy boy is somehow lost, or fighting a losing battle for survival.

But to me, the video evens things up a lot.

One of the reasons that I thought that both voices might be the one person even just in the live versions, was that the name-calling is so over-the top it seems kinda panicky. The video reinforces that – with the shouty voice being so obviously controlling. And the need to control is an anxious need. Internalised homophobia as a fear. So, Mr Shouty in the crop-top is as much an embodiment of anxiety as the filthy boy. Maybe more.

Because if they’re both inside the head of a lad having a panic attack in a bathroom, then it’s Mr Shouty who has caused it. He (Matthías) desperately needs to control his impulses (Klemens), maybe because he’s afraid of what will happen if he doesn’t.

[Does that make sense? I hope that makes sense to someone besides me.]

 Anyhow … back to the action … it’s game on, and the next bit (02:45 to 03:00) is a lot of shouting about filth and a whole lot of arse.

Uhm …

[well … quite …]

The battle pushes to-and-fro until we’re suddenly back here:

 What is this? Opening his pores? Who knows, but it’s a very cool effect. It definitely looks like punishment/purification (so very like opening one’s pores). The light is blue – just as hard and bright as before. No red in sight (there was a lot of red in the observation chamber – such was the power of the filthy boy’s wiggles). So control is seriously asserting itself again.

The struggle is real.

Now, from 3:02 – the really difficult bit – the couch:

The couch is long and low, lit blue and red at opposite ends with a homoerotic / bondage picture partly obscured by curtains. What does it signify?

The messages are really mixed, even just with Mr Shouty. He’s in his pimp coat screaming about his disgust, sometimes lit blue sometimes red – but he’s got filthy boy by the leash now.

So what is it? He hates himself, but he kinda gets off on being a slinky-mink pole dancer? It’s the same mixed message as the clinic outfit: ‘I’m your need to be a normal bloke – but I’m rocking this crop-top and corset look.’

Well … at risk of overdoing it by trying to fit everything together too neatly – what if the couch bits are about balance? Getting over the attack with a little give and take between the warring selves. Or something like that.

In the last minute, the war between clinic and pole is fierce – with interludes of couch.

When we see the couch we also see:

Porn boy’s leash being held, him dancing obediently and wearing more clothes. So less impulsive – under some control. The purifying ‘treatment’ has worked a bit. Pores cleansed.

Control freak still shouting but, as I said, he’s not looking like a dominatrix anymore – more like a pimp. So arguably, he’s secretly enjoying porn boy’s show while calling it filthy and disgusting. I think that’s the point – which I guess means that toxic masculinity also makes one a moralising hypocrite (‘that type: making a scene’ – though that’s not the official translation, sadly!). However, for now he seems comfortable watching – and he’s no longer trying so hard to control his filthy-boy self.

But, of course, the war isn’t over. How could it ever be, for an androgynous pole dancer with internalised homophobia and gender panic?

[Sounds horrible and I don’t recommend it. Just be a happy slinky mink and a cheeky sinful seal, that’s my advice.]

 So lastly …

This whole emotional-breakdown-in-a-bathroom theory would have been greatly assisted if we had even the tiniest throwback to the bathroom right at the end. But we (probably) don’t.

What we have instead, however, is a throw forward from those flashes of Matthías on the couch at 0:24 (I said I’d come back to that!). If I’m even vaguely right, then those flashes show the balance breaking down. The visual is of Matthías’s shouty half of the psyche – head in hands. What’s he feeling?

Our pole-dancing lad is staring at himself in the mirror at that moment, thinking of that excited audience member. His inner control freak, who had been moderately at ease with the dancing, and sitting on his comfy couch, is suddenly overwhelmed by guilt and flickers into breakdown … and it begins where it ends.

So it’s a cycle. Maybe.

Or maybe this is a load of hot garbage.

[freedom-shamrock]

Two are Better, But Three is Best - Chapter Two

Also on AO3

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Spa day

"Aren't you glad I volunteered to help you with this?" Marinette asked.  She directed the shower head with one hand, while the other massaged his scalp in a way that wasn't strictly necessary for this particular task.

"Hmmm," he hummed loudly, a big grin on his face. "You're spoiling me.  I'm going to want you to help me every time I do this now." He was arched awkwardly over the side of the bathtub, in what appeared to be the world's most complicated yoga pose.

"Oh the horror.  But seriously, we need to get you a tall stool or chair and an extender so we can do this in the sink next time," she suggested, pleased by the idea of this becoming a regular activity.  It had been a fun couple of hours, bleaching his tips, giving each other pedicures, and catching up. "How exactly were you planning on doing this on your own?"

"I probably would have ended up with dye in a few places I don't really want it," he replied with a snicker. "That's what happened during uni when the facilities weren't ideal, anyway."

A surprised laugh bubbled out of her as an image of mostly naked Luka with streaks of blue-green down his shoulders and chest. "Yeah.  Let's not do that." The water was running clear, so she stopped scrubbing and leaned over to turn off the taps.  She squeezed out the excess water and wrapped the dark towel around his head. "Need help up from that position?"

He twitched a little before holding a hand out to her.  "Yes. All the yes. I think my spine hates me now."

She grasped his hand firmly and slowly pulled him up to a more neutral position, careful not to jerk on his shoulder.

"Holy crap, how do I always forget… ouch… how strong you are?"  He winced and curled his shoulders in as he attempted to fix his back.

"I guess we're in for a total spa day," she said.  "Come lie down on the living room floor and I'll give you a backrub."

"Yessss," he groaned, staggering out of the bathroom after her. "But this is really unfair.  I'm getting all the special treatment, and you've only gotten a pedi." He sprawled, belly-down on the little round rug he'd set up in his living room.  He'd told her it seemed like a nice place to meditate and center himself.

"Well maybe you can help me dye my hair next, then," she suggested.  "Though we need to do some shopping first so I don't have to contort myself or risk dying my skin."

He twisted to look at her, his blue eyes huge. "What?" he whispered.

"I want to keep the top layer black, but dye the underlayer red."  She grinned at him. "I've wanted to do it for a while, but I was way too busy with classes to even consider something like that."

"You're going to look so hot," he cried, flopping onto the floor.  "As if you weren't already super hot."

"Pffft."  She laughed.  "Glad you think so.  I mean, we're trying the dating thing, it'd be convenient if you found me attractive."

"Is this our first date?" he asked, with a gasp.  "This would be the weirdest first date."

"No, this is preparation for our first date, which will be dinner, tonight," she countered.  "There's no rule that we can't help each other rather than relying on other friends."  She moved to stand astride his hips. "No moving. I'm working here." She settled one foot across his spine at the top of his pelvis.  She slowly shifted her weight, watching to make sure it wasn't uncomfortable for him. After a moment, she was able to lift her other foot to his back so she could slowly inch her way up toward his shoulders.

He let out happy little moans as the bones gently crunched back into place.  "Oh god, Marinette... that's amazing." His voice was a little extra wheezy as he worked against her weight to breathe.

"Good," she agreed.  "That's the way it's supposed to be."  Once she had worked her way back to her starting point, she sat down on top of him to dig in with her hands. Fortunately, he had no knots that needed to be worked out.

"Ngh," he moaned into the rug. "If it's all the same to you, I'm just counting today as one long date.  Best date ever, by the way."

"You goof." She leaned forward and nudged the towel wrapped around his head out of the way so she could kiss his cheek.  "I guess it's a good thing I planned to get ready here instead of going home between hanging out and going out. I have my date clothes in my haversack."

He twisted his chin to his shoulder and looked up at her out of one eye, grinning happily. "You always plan just right.   How do you do that?"

She laughed.  "Ancient Chinese secret." She tapped him lightly on the nose.  She didn't need to point out that she overthought everything all the time, and therefore planned for all contingencies.

"Well that might buy us just enough time to go shopping for your hair color and a shower sprayer with a longer hose," he suggested.  "Probably not enough time to do your hair, but we can be ready for tomorrow, or whenever it works for you."

"Brilliant," she said, climbing off his back. "But you generally are."

"Let me just grab my shirt and some shoes," he said, getting quickly to his feet and darting toward his bedroom.

It had been a really great day.  She'd arrived late enough in the morning that they'd both gotten to sleep in, but still early enough that breakfast pastries were the perfect snack.  They'd been able to relax as they caught up on each others' final semesters of the year. He'd done a really nice job on her toenails, alternating Ladybug and Chat Noir designs.  She'd gotten to manhandle him a bit with the hair washing and the massage, both of which brought out the cutest noises from him. It would be fair to say she'd been more hands-on than was fully necessary, and he seemed as receptive as she could've hoped.

He came out of his room a moment later in a black faded concert t-shirt. His towel was gone, and the tips of his hair shone bright against the still damp black strands.

"Oh, that's turned out nice," she said, looking at the near finished end result.  "That's one of my favorite colors on you."

"Really?" Over the years he'd tried most of the colors in the rainbow.

She nodded.  "It's the color you were wearing when we met.  Back when Juleka was in her purple phase."

"Nostalgic, are we?" he asked.

She shook her head. "It's just always suited you.  No need to mess with perfection, right?" She reached out to flick the damp hair over his shoulder.

"God you make me happy," he said, shaking his head a little.  "Just being with you today, Nette, it's been…" He let out a contented sounding sigh. "I don't remember when I last felt this good."

She liked the hint of pink in his cheeks.  Guys who could actually blush were a definite weakness.  "Can I kiss you?" she asked, wanting to show him the same consideration he'd already shown her, though she was pretty sure of his answer.

"Anytime you want," he offered, moving closer.

"Good to know." She planted a light peck on his lips, pulling back just enough to speak. "You have permission, too.  In case you were wondering." Catching his shoulder with one hand, and wrapping her other arm around his neck, she stretched up to give him a much more vigorous kiss.  He met her enthusiasm with her own, lifting her feet of the floor as her fingers wound themselves into his damp hair.

After several long moments, he pressed his cheek against hers.  "We are totally going to have to come back to this later, but if we don't stop now, we might not have time to go shopping."

She nodded. "Am I making you lose track of time?" she teased as her toes touched the floor again.

"You really need to ask?" He kissed her forehead. "Best distraction, ever."

Check out Chapter 3  >>>

I’m not following a set posting plan, but will try to have at least one chapter up per week.

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