#i dare you to eat a large egg

[gingerlamppost]

there are so many of you who would not eat a large egg and that's fucked up. not even goofy just hurtful.

[sourcherryandsprinkles]

Jace and betrothed unable to wait until their wedding night to have sex??

Request: Jacaerys and his future wife fooling around because they are horny and scared they will die before getting married. I don’t want my boy to die without tasting the greatness of sex

How did this smut piece get to 2.2k words? 😳

Warnings: 18+, smut, masturbating, fingering, p + v, 

my taglists are here + you can send requests here at any time

—

‘’I’m scared, Jace,’’ you confessed as you stood by the banister of Dragonstone castle, watching as Vermax and Silverwing flew together over the bay. Hopefully Silverwing will lay eggs when you and Jacaerys have children. ‘’The war is getting closer to us. Soon, we’ll have to get on our dragons and battle against the enemy. We…we might die.’’

Death was inevitable during a war. Especially one with dragons, as Rhaenys once said. Team Black had already suffered a couple of losses — Lucerys, Rhaenys, Ser Erryk —, but more would come. 

‘’The thought of what’s coming is terrifying, but we can’t let ourself be paralyzed by the possibility of dying,’’ Jacaerys said, his hand securely on the handle of his sword. He had taken the habit from Daemon, whom he looked up to in certain aspects. 

You looked down at your bare hands on the top of the banister. ‘’I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of dying without ever calling you husband.’’ 

A few weeks before the petition of Driftmark, you and Jacaerys had announced your betrothal. Rhaenyra had a feast in celebration, proud and happy that her eldest son would marry without any politics involved. The wedding should have happened in the summer, but the King fell to his illness and from there unraveled a series of unfortunate events that postponed the wedding.  

‘’When the war ends and I sit on my throne, we’ll have a large celebration in the Red Keep,’’ the Queen had promised.

But you were tired of waiting. 

‘’Every night, as I lay in bed, I think of you and our life if there hadn’t been a war of succession. I would call you husband, my prince husband, and we would not be sleeping in separate beds across the castle. No one would be chaperoning us from afar and we would not get scolded for sharing ‘too long’ kisses.’’

Jacaerys put his hand over yours on the bannister, sharing the same feelings. He wanted to call you his wife and glare at whoever dared speaking wrong to you. He wanted to spend the evening alone in your shared chambers, eating cakes and talking about your day until one of you fell asleep first. He wanted…he wanted to take you to his bed and have a family with you. Not whilst the war was going. He could not deal with the stress of his pregnant wife going to battle on her dragon. 

A few days later, you were sitting in your settee, reading in your nightgown when you heard a light knock on the door. You raised your head from your book, and saw that a piece of parchment had been slipped beneath your door.  

Meet me when the moon is bright. Careful when you take the stairs, Ser Godric is keeping guard.

The message was not signed, but you recognized the handwriting. 

When you judged the moon was bright enough, you slipped a robe over your nightgown and quietly walked down the corridor to take the stairs to Jacaerys’ chambers. You listened carefully for any guards, not wishing to get caught sneaking to you betrothed’s chambers at the hour of the owl. It would make quite the scandal amongst the servants and the staff. 

You knocked delicately on the door and bit your lip as you waited, your stomach bubbling with excitement. Within a few seconds, the door opened and Jacaerys pulled you inside. 

The room was quite dark as the sun was asleep, only the fire of the hearth and a few candles on a table as sources of light. You noticed the small crumpled balls of parchment on the study, assumingly drafts of his message to you. It had to be not too suggestive, but also not too plain that you would not want to come.

‘’I didn't know if you were going to come,’’ Jacaerys said, his lips curved into a shy smile. 

He was wearing just a tunic and wool trousers. It felt strange to see him without his doublet and riding gear. His dark brown hair was messy and his cheeks flushed from what you could make from the light. He looked so different from the usual picture-perfect prince. 

‘’You asked to see me.’’ 

Jacaerys stepped closer. He raised his hand to stroke your cheek, then your hair, which he seemed taken by. ‘’I didn’t know your hair was so long. You always have them up in braids or pins,’’ he said, his tone soft with wonder.

A slight smile tugged at your lips. ‘’What is it that you wanted, Jace? I doubt you summoned me her to talk about my hair.’’ 

‘’I’ve been thinking. About us.’’ He paused for a moment, looking into your eyes. ‘’The Gods have been unfair to us. So let’s not wait for them to bless and unite us.’’

Your brows drew into a light frown. ‘’Jace, what do you—’’ you began, but he stepped closer, his forehead resting against yours. 

He stepped closer, the fire in the hearth reflecting in his eyes. ‘’Do you love me?’’ 

‘’With all my heart,’’ you replied without hesitation, your eyes filled with sincerity. 

‘’Let’s not wait, then. I…I don’t want to waste our time together waiting for this damn war to be over to take you to bed.’’ 

Jacaerys placed his hands on your hips and pulled you flush against him, his grip loose, giving you time to pull from his grasp if you wanted it. But you didn't. 

Instead, you looked up at him and kissed him, closing the remaining space between you. You kissed him like you've done many times before, only this time you didn't have to pull away every twenty seconds to check if a maester, guard or the Queen was around. You’ll never forget the embarrassment you felt that day…

Jacaerys whimpered as you pulled his bottom lip with your teeth, and pressed you against him, desire spreading through his veins, hot like dragonfire. With less layers between your bodies, you could feel the warmth of his chest through your nightgown, and his...little friend stiffening in his trousers.

‘’Someone is excited,’’ you murmured with a giggle as you broke the kiss to plant a trail of kisses down his neck instead. 

He let out a low moan, tightening his grip on your hips. ‘’I cannot control it when you’re around. Especially when you kiss me.’’ Jacaerys captured your lips into another kiss, and tingles caressed your spine and tickled your lower stomach. 

His hands grabbed and pulled at the material of your robe and nightgown, and you rolled your hips, igniting more of his dragonfire. Jacaerys moaned at the contact, louder than he intended. Your own cheeks turned red, realizing you were starting to reach an intimacy you had never breached before.

‘’I’m nervous,’’ you whispered, biting your lip as you thought of getting intimate. 

You placed your hands on Jacaerys’ chest, distracting yourself from your mind. His heart was beating fast, probably just as nervous. 

‘’We don't have to do anything if you don’t feel ready to.’’

You shushed him with a finger to his lips. ‘’I want to.’’ 

To prove yourself, you untied your robe and placed it on the back of the settee, right next to Jacaerys’ sword. The prince's breathing quickened, his dark eyes fixated on your fingers as you unlaced the ties of your nightgown, slowly unraveling the knot. You sucked in a breath as you pulled it down your shoulders, letting it slip down your body until it reached the floor.

Silence greeted your naked body, and you felt shy suddenly. You almost reached for your robe to cover yourself, but your betrothed sensed your uneasiness and stroked your cheek before taking off his tunic and trousers. He found it unfair for you to be naked while he was still clothed.

Once you were even, he guided you backwards towards his bed. The headboard had a large dragon engraved in the stone and seemed a little bigger than yours. The sheets were pale, and over top was a deep red blanket made of velvet to keep warm from the winds coming from the bay.

Jacaerys sat on the edge and, with an expression of fascination, he reached for your breasts. He made sure to be gentle, sliding his thumbs gently over your rapidly hardening nipples. ‘’By the Sevens, you’re beautiful,’’ he marveled, stars in his eyes. 

‘’I can say the same, my prince.’’ You pressed your palm over his chest, smooth and warm.

Jacaerys smiled, that one soft and genuine smile he reserved for you. ‘’I love you,’’ he said, his hands caressing your side in small, gentle circles. 

‘’I love you to— Aah,’’ you whimpered as his hand reached between your legs, stroking your slit clumsily. He didn't know what he was doing, and lacked finesse as he bumped against your clit at random moments, but it still felt amazing. 

He checked on you, wanting to please. ‘’Does that feel good?’’

‘’Yes.’’ 

His fingers were getting slippery from your arousal, making it easier to slide against your cunny. You’ve done it to yourself a few times, alone in your bed. 

‘’Can you put one inside?’’ 

Jacaerys’ fingers were a bit thicker than yours, and longer. 

He nodded. 

A breathy moan left your lips instantly, pleasure sparkling as your walls clenched around his middle finger. 

‘’Like that?’’ Jacaerys slid his finger out, then back in, repeating the motion as you grabbed his shoulder. 

‘’Yes. Again.’’ 

He listened to your needs, almost forgetting his own as his cock remained untouched against his stomach. It was engorged and painful. While one hand was busy pleasuring you, he wrapped his second around his cock and jerked himself. 

 You noticed and thought of helping him, but Jacaerys added a second finger and your knees almost gave out. The feeling was overwhelming, but you craved more. 

You pushed Jacaerys away, and clambered over his lap. His gaze met yours, equally filled with lust. With a nod from your lover, you reached down to grab his cock and lined it at your entrance, sinking down slowly, inch by inch. 

The intensity of the sensation had you gripping at each other, needing to anchor yourself to something. It was unpleasant at first, feeling a pressure and a stinging inside your intimate tunnel. You felt full in a way that was impossible to describe.

Feeling your fingers dig into his skin, Jacaerys kissed your shoulders and neck to sooth you, trying his hardest not to move by fear to blow too soon or hurt you. It was overwhelming for him too — the feeling of your tight walls squeezing him.

You rose up slightly, and then sank back on with tenderness. Jacaerys moaned deeply with you, his head dropping against your collarbone. He closed his eyes, his hands squeezing your hips as you moved up and down again, the pressure around his cock heavenly.  

Your bodies moved together in a rhythm, becoming one. 

When your legs fatigued, you let Jacaerys know and he moved you on the bed and laid you down on the rich velvet. He adjusted himself to the new position, his dark curls falling like curtains around his face as he thrusted into you with long deep strokes.

‘’Kiss me,’’ he demanded.

You complied, winding your arms around his neck and rocking your hips to meet his thrusts until you reached your high with a broken cry. 

Seconds later, Jacaerys pulled out and spilled onto your thighs, not wanting to deal with the consequences of having sex out of wedlock. 

The bed creaked as he collapsed beside you, breathing heavy. As if an invisible string was pulling you to him, you rolled on your side and clung to him, needing to be close after sex. You stayed that way for a long time, relaxing with your head on Jacaerys' bare chest. Your legs felt like jelly, still dizzy from the intense emotions and the overwhelming pleasure. 

You wished you could suspend time and stay there with him forever. But a soft yawn brought you back to reality.

‘’I must leave,’’ you said, feeling the tiredness catching you. It was difficult not to be lured to sleep when you were cuddling under the covers and Jacaerys’s hand was stroking your back gently.

His arms caged around you, protesting. ‘’Stay.’’ He nuzzled into your neck, his voice muffled. ‘’It’s a command from your prince.’’ 

His tone was unserious, but it still made you guilty and sad to leave him. 

‘’I do not wish to leave and sleep in my bed alone, but I must be found in my own chamber when the maids come in the morn.’’ 

Jacaerys sighed, rubbing his face into your hair. ‘’I know,’’ he said, his voice a mixture of resignation and frustration. 

Reluctantly, his arms slowly unwound from around you and you peeled yourself from him, releasing a small hiss when you sat up. The septa had warned you about the pain after breaking your maidenhead. It wasn’t unbearable, only sensitive when you moved. 

‘’I didn't hurt you, didn't I?’’ Jacaerys immediately asked, his eyes filled with concern as he checked on you.

You shook your head and smiled, washing his guilt away. ‘’No. You were perfect, Jace.’’ 

He knew it was untrue. No one was perfect the first time. 

You struggled dressing back into your nightgown and robe, having to fight with Jacaerys’ lips trying to kiss you and his arms pulling you against him. You gave him a last longing kiss before slipping out of his chambers, promising to see him to break fast. 

—

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[bks-writing-adventures]

Little Dancer (Aemond Targaryen X Lannister! Reader)

Summary: A wholesome little journey between the first time Aemond met his wife to the birth of their children.

Warnings: Mentions of childbirth, brief mentions of sex.

Aemond never thought he would be a father. He never even thought he would get married, until you came around at a ball. He forgot what it was, a name day of his nephews? Some celebration for his parents marriage? None of it mattered, because he sat still at his family table, watching the room dance and watching lords get drunk and stupid. And all of a sudden you had blocked his view, your hands on either side of his plate. 

“Do all Princes sit pouting at balls?” You asked. The question flustered him, his one eye meeting yours. It was like you were challenging him, and the thought made his heart spin in his chest. 

“Only when he has no one to dance with.” He answered. The words magically came to him, and he held his breath as he had waited for you to respond. 

“It is a good thing I am here then, is it not? Or would you rather sit here, eating scraps and wishing to be elsewhere?” You were so teasing- so confident, and before he knew it, his hand was wrapped around yours, and you were walking backward as you dragged him to the dancefloor. He did not have the time to be self conscious, and he could no longer let his eye wander as his hands landed on yours, spinning you, watching how your skirts swished and your hair got fluffy and frizzed. 

“So who are you, my little dancer?” He asked softly, holding you closer to him. You were warm, and he couldn’t tell what was making his heart pound. Your presence or the wine, or maybe an intoxicating blend of both.

 “(Y/N) Lannister,” You answered, licking your lips as the song ended. “If you wish to get to know me, we should move somewhere quieter,” You said gently, and he smiled as his eye wandered. 

“I know a place,” He said softly, his arm linked with yours as he carefully lead you out and into the gardens. It was quite the scandalous thing, he was well aware- but he didn’t care enough to stop. His brother was far from proper, he was a criminal and a disappointment. Speaking to a pretty girl in the garden would not be the worst crime. The garden hiccuped with the sounds of grasshoppers and frogs, and you smiled at the sound. 

“Do you know what that sound is?” You asked softly, and he gave you a curious look as you walked further into the great land of flowers. 

“Frogs,” He said simply, to which you nodded. 

“Mating frogs. Do you know how many eggs a frog can lay at once?” You asked.

 “Do you tell everyone your favorite amphibians facts, or am I special?” He smiled a little, trying not to let his interest show on his face. 

“There are facts much more interesting than that,” You answered, and for a few minutes, the two of you simply walked in the quiet. 

“How many eggs can a dragon lay?” You asked. 

“You take an interest in dragons, My Lady?” He asked in return, to which you nodded. He quietly sat on a bench, pulling you down to sit beside him. The moonlight did not do much to guide either of you, but he could make out the bridge of your nose and the slight shine of your eyes in the darkness. “Well, they can lay five, at most.” He responded, wondering if that would be enough for you.

 “Why is that? And what are they like?” You asked, resting your chin on your hand. You had always liked to learn about science, and this was your way in. Into the world of infinite books and knowledge. And he just had such a pretty face, which definitely helped the case. 

“The eggs? They’re hard and large and scaly,” He responded, reaching over to touch your hand. It was a daring move, but he wanted to feel you. In the darkness, touch the soft skin of your hand and wrist, and you didn’t move away.

 “Why is that? Are they not reptiles?” You asked quietly, and he had to lean closer to hear you.

 “Dragons cannot be put into a box, My Lady. They are everything and nothing. No mortal could ever learn to understand them,” He murmured, gently guiding your hand to his mouth so he could kiss it. He wasn’t sure what it was about you that attracted him so. You were just so unconventional, untrained. It was fascinating. 

“Not even Targaryens?” You asked softly as his breath tickled your fingers.

 “Certainly not. We only shout commands and hope they listen,” He chuckled softly. He was about to speak again when a loud shout suddenly broke the walls of intimacy around them. For the love of Gods, this did not look good. He wasn’t sure if he pushed your hand away, or if you pulled it back, but all contact was quickly broken as the two of you rushed to stand up. 

“Aemond, what is the meaning of this?” His mother sounded rather angry. She always was, whenever something like this happened. This was the worst possible time for her to wander over. 

“Mother, I was simply conversing with the Lady Lannister, and-” She cut him off, making his lips purse. 

“Without a chaperone, in the darkness, away from the sights of others? Do you understand how scandalous this is?” As you both shrunk under her lecture, neither of you argued back. And soon enough you and Aemond were sat before his mother and your own as they discussed. 

“We did nothing unholy. We were only speaking of the anatomy of dragons,” You frowned, to which your mother quickly shook her head.

 “Is that what they call it nowadays? This is out of control, and now your honor is ruined,” She huffed, and you stared down boredly at your hands. This is not how you thought your night would go, and the next sentence only made things more bizarre. 

“Her honor is not ruined, and I will ensure it. I intend to make (Y/N) my wife.” Aemond spoke, making your head quickly turn. All arguments died out like a flame without air, his eye soft and apologetic as he looked at you. But neither of you could claim to be mad about it. It was only the Gods’ odd way of making a match, and the next days were full of shy conversation and blushing cheeks, loomed over by your parents as they dissected every interaction.  

“I have a gift for you,” he said softly, pulling out a large book from his bag. It was bigger than your head, and the spine as so thick it could easily be mistaken for a brick. 

“Wow,” You mumbled, trying to read the front cover, but it is not in Common. Your eyes looked to his face, a curious look taking over your own.

 “It is in High Valyrian, its one of the oldest books in our library- well, not that one, that is a copy. The original would crumble like sand in your palms. But the language will be important for you to learn, I thought we could practice together,” He spoke, getting a little shy. It was a sweet sight, and you nodded as he explained. 

“Then you should allow me to teach you some Nyvia.” You responded. His brows scrunched a little. He had never heard of the language in his life.

 “And what is that?” He asked gently, intrigued. He didn’t realize you were bilingual, too.Your children would be an interesting batch. 

“My mothers first language. It is dying out, not many speak it anymore. Are you familiar with the island of Nyav?” You asked, and he nodded slowly. He had read about it in history books. It had been a brilliant place of beautiful plants and even more beautiful people. The stories said that it was lost to the sea, or to conquering, no one was sure. You were like a God of the old world, sitting right before him. 

“She lived there as a young girl, escaped before it disappeared, when she was betrothed to my father. I will admit that my own speaking is messy, but at least it is alive,” You spoke, slowly opening the book he had given you. You squinted a little. The letters were familiar, but the order was unlike anything you had ever seen. The longer he looked at you, the more questions formed in his head. 

“Do you think you have any Valyrian in you?” He asked. Nyvia had belonged to no one at all, no one knew where the people came from, only that they had not been there all along. Perhaps it had begun with Targaryen’s fleeing the Doom, or other Valyrians that escaped to the sea and washed upon its shores. 

“I do not think so. I do not look the part,” You reminded him, watching as his hand inched closer to yours, your fingertips brushing. It was perhaps the most touch you would be allowed until after you were married.

 “White hair does not make a Valyrian. It was only a thought,” He said, gently shrugging. His mind wandered to your children, the ones he would have with you. How many there would be. If they would have hair like yours, or hair like his own. How they would look on dragonback, and if you could all fly together as a family. Vhagar was more than big enough for two. You could hold his waist, and he would fly ahead of the children, and they would follow him like ducklings. Maybe you would have 12 children, one for every moon of the year. He cleared his throat as his mother called for him. Your meeting was done for the day. And when two more moons passed, it was finally your wedding day. Your dress clung to every part of your body, and your hair was covered with a heavy veil, beaded with pearls and gems big enough to pay off an entire house. 

The maids had tried to get you to agree to having pinned hair, or a more tradition style, but you declined. You never liked having too much on you, weighing you down. The air was stuffy with the breath of hundreds, and you tried not to look at the crowd as Aemond stood before you. “Kessa sagon sȳz.  Laesi va nyke.” He murmured softly, and you nodded as your eyes studied his face. He was wearing his fanciest eyepatch. You wondered how many were in his collection, and if you would ever see him without it. If he slept with it on. As you both repeated the words of the Septon, and it came time for the kiss- you stared at each other for a long, awkward few seconds, trying to figure out which one of you would lean in first. You may have been brave enough to approach him that first night, when he was just a sulking stranger. But now things were so much bigger. You had an audience. 

Finally, once he accepted you would not be the one to do it, he leaned down to press a brief, awkward kiss on your mouth, and you both parted with small, sheepish smiles. Once you were at your table, you both let out deep breaths from your lungs, and finally,you could curl up together, your arms looped around his as you giggled into his sleeve. “That was unbearable,” Your words were light, but the hit was strong, and he chuckled awkwardly. He had hoped the kiss was not that bad. But he felt a wave of uncertainty rushing into him. The first kiss was supposed to be magical, like you were bathing in fire and pureness and all that was good. But it felt like a child smushing two dolls together. 

He only hoped that with time, things would get better. And oh, how they certainly did. The bedchamber was full of soft sounds, and for every moan came ten laughs and raised brows. “Mm.. you sound like you are being murdered,” He murmured into your shoulder, and you smiled as you squeeze his hand. 

“And you sound like you’ve run 30 miles,” You responded as he panted onto your skin. 

“Oh, hush,” He smiled, gently biting your neck. 

“Little vampire,” You mumbled before he gently guided your face down to a pillow. He did not expect anything to come of your night of teasing and touch, but when six weeks had passed, he woke in the morning to you squirming from his arms. 

“It is too early for you to wake.” He grumbled. He had been an early bird before your marriage, before he was up into the early hours of dawn inside you, kissing you, teaching you High Valyrian as you tried to teach him Nyvia. 

“Yoane,” He spoke, and you shook your head. 

“Yo-awn-ee.” You repeated, and he tried once more.

 “Yoane,” He nodded, and you groaned into your hands.You were trying to teach him the words for love, your face pink with laughter. But as you rushed to the bathroom, your face took on an almost gray hue, and he found himself holding your hair in a big bundle as you spittled into the chamberpot, your belly soft and your nose sensitive. You were with child, or perhaps three or four, for when you reached your second trimester, you were a giant.

 “Mmm… you are like a dragon,” He mumbled as he kissed upon your stretched skin. 

“How so?” You asked softly, caressing his hair as his cheek pressed onto your belly. 

“You are going to lay a whole clutch. You must have three or four in here,” He marveled at the size of you, and you rolled your eyes.

 “I am telling your mother that you said that,” You responded, making his brows scrunch together.

 “You would not dare.” In the months of your marriage, Queen Alicent had grown quite attached to you. While she loved her son, she had always found him to be rather an intense man. She wasn’t afraid of him, no, but she never thought he would find marriage. Find joy. She thought he would grow old and become a knight or a philosopher, and she was quite pleased with you for bringing out these new parts of him. And so, if she learned of his comments of your size, she would beat him messy with a sock. When you were finally about to burst at the seams, you learned that there were things far more stressful than a wedding day. It was like everyone wanted to see your baby plop out, Alicent walking the room as they propped your legs off. 

“Would you mind leaving the room? This is a rather private matter,” Aemond spoke to his mother in a hushed voice, to which she gently shook her head.

 “And I am to be the grandmother of this child. I am close family, am I not? This is a huge deal for you, my youngest son having his first child!!” She gushed, and you shifted uncomfortably.

 “It may be hours before the baby arrives,” You groaned quietly, pushing the small wooden tools away from your legs. “I do not wish for too many to see my blood and my mess,” Your eyes held a certain fire, and your jaw clenched, and slowly her face filled with an understanding, nodding slowly. You were no Rhaenyra, and you were no enemy. You were her daughter in law, the wife of her youngest son. And so quietly, she left the room, leaving you to the midwives, the maesters, and your husband.

 “Perhaps you would like to leave, My Prince. It is not necessary for the husband to stay,” One of the Maesters spoke, to which you quickly shouted. 

“If you leave me I will ensure that you never get to hold the baby.” You said quickly. 

“I would not dream of it, my dearest,” He responded, coming closer so you could hold his hand. Several hours passed of loud noises and angry shouts, little crescent moons cut into his hand from your grasp. Child after child escaped your womb, until a whole batch of seven was swaddled. The midwives had to call for backup to tend to all the children, each of them around five pounds. It was a concerning miracle, and Aemond’s eye widened as he stared at all the squirming infants.

 “By the seven..” He murmured, quite literally. A child for every god. What a miracle it was. His heart fluttered with fear as he reached out to one of the infants, the only girl, her hand slowly curling around his finger. It was beautiful and scary all at once, like a comet scratching the sky. It was all so very real all of a sudden, his breath catching in his throat as his eye watered.

 “Are they all healthy?” You asked softly, sitting up slowly, your hands curling up. “Yes,” One of your handmaids quickly told you. 

“Small but mighty, they are all warm and crying,” She spoke, wiping sweat from your face. You smiled, taking a deep breath, your eyes slightly puffy as two of the babies were placed on your chest. Two of the boys, one with hair like your own, and the other with a head of snow, little curls still damp from birth. “Look at his little swirly wirlies.” You mumbled, and Aemond chuckled as he leaned over, two of the babies in his own arms. One with gingery Hightower hair, the other with hair like his own. What the litter you had. “How many girls?” You asked softly, reaching to gently take the blankets off, but Aemond answered you before you had to use your energy. 

“Just the one,” He said softly, placing her on your belly. The two of you laid in the bed for hours, covered in babies on every limb and surface. It was a mess, a loud swarm of little coos and crying. But neither of you had ever been happier. Aemond never thought he’d be a good father, but he sure could do his best.

Thank you to everyone who reads!! Feel free to send in requests :)

-BK ♡

[ihatemakingusernames]

Here he was again, the big, fat, wobbling tub of lard approaching my coffee shop for the third time this week... It's Wednesday, he's here every day.

Though we do this every morning, I couldn't help but get excited by how wheezy he sounded as he approached the counter. Little beads of sweat were gathering on his forehead as he desperately tried to calm his embarrassingly loud breathing.

"The usual?" I asked, knowing his order by heart. He nodded his assent, still trying to catch his breath.

I prepared a large iced coffee, with heavy cream and extra caramel - fantasizing yet again about pouring in a caramel boost as well. I tossed a buttery chocolate croissant, two heavy, rich, cheese danishes, and two warm bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches into a bag for him. Feeling flirtatious, I also tossed in a fresh chocolate chip cookie as well - on the house.

I handed the coffee and the very full bag over to him. I could see his plump face light up when he saw the cookie on top.

"Thanks, Audrey!" He said.

I smiled and winked at him. "Anything for my best customer!"

As I watched him waddle away, I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like shoving each delicious bite into his greedy mouth.

The rest of the day wore on until about an hour before closing time. The shop was slow and I was busying myself wiping countertops and packing up the leftover baked goods - I usually donated whatever was left at the end of the day, I hated seeing good food go to waste - but then I was greeted by a familiar huffing and puffing.

"Oh? Back again are we?" I asked, "I've only ever had the pleasure of seeing you once a day!"

"Audrey," he said through wheezing breaths "I just wanted to thank you for your kindness. Those extra goodies you've been adding to my order have really been delicious, but," he ducked his head to hide his blushing cheeks, "I'm going to have to cut back." "I've been starting to notice that I've put on a few pounds and if you keep giving me all the extras I can't help but eat them!" He placed a hand gently on his bulbous gut for emphasis.

I could feel my cheeks flush and a familiar heat of arousal warm my body. "I'm not sure what you mean, if anything you look like you've lost weight!" I lied.

"Oh come on, Audrey," he chuckled. "If you had given me any more free food, I'd almost think you wanted to see me fatter!"

I blushed even harder, if I wanted him to know my true intentions... And take any shot of fulfilling my fantasies... This was it.

"I do want to make you fatter." I muttered almost under my breath.

He cocked his head at me. "You what?"

It was now or never. "I do want to make you fatter," I repeated, a little louder. "I love seeing how much bigger you get week by week... It's kind of... Sexy."

"Y-you do??" He stammered in disbelief.

"I really do," I admitted. "I know it sounds strange but I take pride in the weight I've put on you." I dared to reach out and touch the fat belly I've been daydreaming about for ages. "It looks good on you."

He relaxed at my touch and said "I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a crush on the cute barista at the coffee shop, little did I know all I'd have to do to impress her was eat!"

I started moving my hands across his enormous gut, feeling every pound I'd put on it. With a crooked smile, I teasingly raised an eyebrow, "Well, you could always eat a little more?"

"I have been feeling a bit hungry," he said "I wonder if there's anywhere with a few good pastries?"

I jumped up to lock the door and close the blinds. "I think I can help with that!"

I had already packed four full bags of leftover pastries, I picked them up and brought them to a small table. "Here, sit," I commanded.

He did as he was told and sat down. The small bistro chair creaked beneath him, he seemed a bit apprehensive resting his full weight down, but that only served to make me hornier. I picked up two huge, glazed apple fritters and sat atop the table. He looked up at me as I pressed one to his mouth. He took a small, delicate bite.

"Really? You're going to tell me you've packed on this much weight taking such little bites?" I teased.

He smiled and began to eat with gusto. I had stuffed about a bag and a half of food into him before he leaned back in his chair and groaned. "Ugh, Audrey, I am stuffed! I don't know how much more I can..."

*CRACK*

The chair snapped beneath him and he spilled onto the ground.

"Oh my God, are you okay!?" I rushed to his side and he just started laughing, it took all my strength to help him heave himself off the ground. He said, "had I known how badly you wanted to feed me, I would have asked you to dinner months ago!"

I chuckled. "Well there's no time like the present, is there?"

"You want to go to dinner? Now??" He asked, glancing down at his stuffed gut and looking around at the mess.

"I thought you'd never ask!" I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the door. The mess could wait, but I couldn't wait any longer.

[pyr0-kai]

Could you maybe write a mike x reader that the reader has a crush on Mike for a long time now secretly but dont dare tell him because she just can't is too shy and Abby helps reader and Mike to find together with her drawings since she noticed how they look at each other every time but no one says anything and maybe with just fluffy please. The reader knows mike a long time and knows what he is going through and Mike did become distance from the reader but the reader is still here for him when he needs it too.. And they kiss too :)

Hiiii, thank you for my first official request!! I hope you like it!

There shouldn’t be anything to spoiler-y just some tooth rotting fluff and bad writing!! (And one spicy reference ish? Nothing too bad)

Also So sorry, my art class was watching the little mermaid today so its been in the back of my mind.

Abby, The Little Matchmaker

You had moved in next door to the Schmidt house a few years ago. Mike was watched out the window the day you moved in, while eating breakfast with Abby one morning. He saw you outside of the window, and he wasn’t trying to stare, but ended up staring at your driveway, watching you bring in and out boxes of stuff from one of those large moving trucks. Abby finished a little doodle before looking up, seeing her big brother staring. When Abby spoke up, he zapped out of his little trance.

As a lot of time had passed you had gotten to know him somewhat well. Sometimes he would talk with you from the other side of your fence, or you two would sit on the curb or one of your porches together and just chat about random stuff. As he became more focused on his work, trying and failing to keep a good few job, he slowly began to, unintentionally, become distant. No longer speaking to you directly. But he still would watch you from the window of his kitchen if he saw you pretty [hair color] flash in the corner of his vision. Often seeing you playing with your younger sibling, or younger family members.

Once he landed the job at Freddy’s, he knew he would need help. And you were the best and only person he could really think to ask. It was awkward but, you agreed. Excited to officially meet his little sister, and hopefully see more of him once again. Thats how you ended up watching over Abby once he started working late nights.

Abby was very shy at first, but as time past, and you spent more time at the Schmidt house, she began to open up a bit, talking more and inviting you to draw with her. She also noticed though, how awkward you were with Mike. How you two both seemed to like each other a lot, but it was strange.

One evening however, it was just you and Abby. One of her favorite movies, The Little Mermaid was playing in the background, and she was drawing. Not looking up from the paper, she spoke.

“Hey, [Y/N]?”

“Yeah Abby? Whats up?”

“Do you like my brother? I mean, Like-Like him?”

Your face flustered at that question.

“N-Not like that no… We are just friends really.” You replied, voice cracking a bit.

She turns her head and looks at you.

“Oh really? At dinner sometimes when I mention you, he always says you’re pretty and appreciates you being friends and taking care of me at night. Also, sometimes when i’m not asleep yet, I hear weird noises, and your name coming from his room.”

She notices your face and how red it gets from hearing her speak. She knew you had a crush on him, no matter how much you tried to deny it. Then she turned her head back, smirked to to herself and grabbed a new piece of paper, before heading back into her room, to plan.

Later, Mike invited you to stay for breakfast. He was cooking up some slightly burnt scrambled eggs while you were tapping your nails on the kitchen table. After what Abby had told you, it became even more difficult to talk to him.

Abby came out of her room a few minutes later, a piece of folded paper in her pj pocket. She sat at the table, across from you, wishing you and Mike a good morning. You 3 ate Mike’s slightly burnt food, as Abby told you about a project she’s excited to start at school. Once the food was done, and the dishes were put in the sink, Abby perked up again.

“I drew this for both pf you! Don’t open it until I’m back in my room please!”

You and Mike both nodded as she dashed off into her room to get ready for school. You stood next to Mike as he unfolded the sheet of paper. The inside revealing a picture of You, Mike, And Abby, all happily hugging. You and Mike looked at each other, admiring each other’s eyes. Before you both heard Kiss the girl, from The Little Mermaid start playing from the Cassette player in Abby’s room.

You two both looked at each other, the paper still in Mike’s hand.

“Did Abby tell you that I like you?” He asked.

“Yeah, did she say that I like you..?”

You replied.

But you’re dying to try

You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her

The song played, while you and mike looked each other. He gulped before leaning in slightly for a kiss, and you met his lips halfway. The kiss was everything you both wanted, soft, loving and passionate.

“I love you…”

He spoke.

“I love you too…”

You replied.

The song ended from Abbys room, and you both heard her shout

“I KNEW IT!”

You and Mike both laughed before he pulled you into a tight hug. To this very day, the specific picture Abby drew is framed and sits on a shelf. She draws all 3 of you together much more, loving how happy it makes you all. This always ends with a group hug, as well as you and mike sharing a loving kiss.

[couldtransitionsaveher]

EMIL SINCLAIR from LIMBUS COMPANY

JUSTIFICATION:

"The unhatched egg metaphors. The constant anxiety and insecurity. The Zwei ID art where she looks like a gay librarian. The scene in Hell's Chicken where Ryoshu's team is all women oh and Sinclair too. The cute little Faelantern dress... it is my belief that Sinclair will only reach full self-actualization once she realizes she's a girl. This goes for the Sinclair from Demian (1919) too but I don't know as much about that one." - Anonymous

"okay. where the hell do I start.

Sinclair (Limbus Company) is based directly off of Sinclair (Demian - this will come up in a minute), and is a largely withdrawn, melancholic "boy" whose associated imagery is an egg and breaking out of a shell (again - more in a minute), and characters comment sometimes that she seems like she has an inner turmoil/darkness to her. a couple of her outfits just straight up look like mid-transition fits. her appearance in the album art for the song used in her chapter (itself based on the painting described below) is one of the most #girl things imaginable Sinclair from the source text (Demian)

1. struggles with her parents' expectations for her, and her increasing betrayal of those expectations (leading to such lines as "-at times I didn't want the Prodigal Son to repent and be found again. But one didn't dare think this, much less say it out loud.")

2. becomes friends with Demian who, aside from representing a more nuanced take on the black/white logic of point 1, Sinclair regularly remarks how cool it is that Demian's face is kinda feminine

3. begins to view herself as destined to live between two worlds, the light and the dark, human and inhuman, and, interestingly, "man and woman in one flesh". for all this is treated as a fear it's also explicitly stated to be something she desires

4. stops and thinks one day in college "perhaps I am not like other men?"

5. sees some random pretty girl one day and decides the concept of that pretty girl must be the path to return to the world of light/salvation. she learns to paint just to paint this girl and doesn't get it perfectly accurate but is pleased nonetheless. she becomes obsessed with this painting and stares at it while falling asleep before eventually realizes that the painting actually resembles herself, not as she feels she is but "-what determined [her] life, it was [her] inner self, [her] fate ... what the woman [she] would love would look like if ever [she] were to love one. That's what [her] life and death would be like..." - she eventually burns the painting and eats the ashes, y'know normal "girl who hasn't realized it yet" behavior

6. throughout the entire book she has visions relating to and is tied to imagery of eggs and birds escaping their shells to take flight" - Anonymous

Reminder: Submissions are always open! Submit here!

Did you make your daily click today?

[wow635]

First chapter guys!!! My writing isn’t great ok, I know and I’m not ashamed hahaha. It will improve throughout the story but right now I’m a bit rusty. But honestly this is also just for fun because I love creating new stories and scenarios. So I hope you’ enjoy it as much as I do writing it. And the next chapter will be out as soon as I can get it out

“Y/n come down and help petunia make breakfast. Now!” My uncle Vernon calls harshly from downstairs

Now you see my aunt and uncle never really appreciated me and my twin brother Harry. I don’t want to say disliked because they put a roof over our heads but they do it with dread and irritation. I don’t think I’ve ever recieved so much as a smile from them, since the day we were dropped off on their footstep the night our parents died, and it only got worse when we were invited to Hogwarts.

I look at Harry who’s sitting on his bed messing around with something hermione gave him, and give him the look we always give each other when the Dursleys are annoying us.

I head down to the kitchen and get started on the eggs they so rudely demanded. But before I can even process anything, Dudley comes charging into the room knocking me and unfortunately the eggs over

I land on the floor with a thump, the eggs landing next to me one by one, each making a cracking sound. “Dudley!” I shout after him as uncle Vernon comes stomping into the room looking furious at the commotion

"Can't even make breakfast?!" Uncle Vernon bellows, "and you wonder why I never let you in the kitchen! I'm not surprised you let the eggs all fall. Now clean it all up!"

« B-but it wasn't me, he knocked me over » I stammering angrily brushing myself off and pointing in Dudley's direction

Vernon snorts derisively and looked over at Dudley, who did a great job of looking sorry for the mess on the floor. "Now you think I'm going to believe you over my perfect boy?"

I feel my blood boiling. His perfect boy my arse. “Whatever, I’m going to my room” I sigh angrily

Vernon snorts again, "good idea. You're not getting breakfast after all, because of your mistakes," he says in disgust before turning and leaving the room, taking Dudley with him.

I’ll live, that won’t be the first missed breakfast.

I head to me and Harry’s room making sure to stomp as I go up. I scoff as I hear Vernon shout after me “ and don’t you dare slam that door”. I cut off his last sentence by slamming the door so hard it practically shook the house

I huff and walk over to my bed adjacent to Harry’s. I sit down and throw myself onto it my arms outstretched and legs dangling off staring at the ceiling

Harry glances over at me after the door slammed, a look of sympathy on his face. I sigh deeply and run my hands through my hair. Suddenly there’s a scratching noise coming from the window. Harry and I share a look of confusion before we get up to investigate z

We pull open the curtains and look outside. A large, handsome brown owl was sitting on the windowsill tapping its claws impatiently against the glass. I let out a small gasp of surprise and opened the window at once, while Harry quickly untied a letter from the bird's leg.

“Isn’t this the Weasley owl?” I ask him as I bring over a handful of hedwigs food for the owl to eat

The owl takes the food from my hand before flying out the window again. I look at the letter excitedly and Harry tears it open, "It's from Ron!"

I stand on my tip toes trying to see over his shoulder « well what does it say » I huff unable to see it

"He says the World Cup Final is tomorrow, and the Weasley family has tickets!" he says excitedly, "He says they're staying for two days and that Percy got them a portkey from London to the stadium." "Really!" I squeal as Harry adds that we're invited and they’re picking us up at 5 o’clock today

I feel the relief wash through my body. Finally. We will be out of this house for the rest of the school year

"Well, we'd best start packing then!" He says dropping the letter and rushing to go get his trunk “It also says that ms Weasley is going to take us to get our school books, and they’ll take us to king cross station » I say reading the rest of the letter with a smile on my face

Harry grins and gives me a high five "I'm so glad the Weasleys are getting us out of here. I can't wait to get away from the Dursleys!" He says with a satisfied smile, "Now, we should start packing our things."

« your right » I say struggling to pull my trunk from under my bed

He chuckles lightly and moves over to help me, "Here, let me give you a hand with that." He says with a smile. Together, we manage to pull the trunk out and open it up, ready to start packing.

"Thanks "  I say as he turns back to his own trunk "Can you tell the Dursley about this, they're not exactly happy with me right now" I ask Harry as I pack my stuff into the trunk

Harry nodded, "Yeah, I'll go let them know. Hopefully they won't be too annoyed." As he walked out of the room, I continued to pack my trunk, making sure I had everything I needed.

I get dressed and started on my makeup but I can’t help but focus on the long scar on my right eye that runs from the left cornor of my eye, to the bottom right corner of it. I sigh remembering how it happened. It when me and Harry were babies. Voldemort came and killed our parents and tried to kill us, Harry was left with a lightning mark and I was left with that. One normal brown eye, and one bright green scarred eye

Those are the memories that never really leave me. Even though I don’t remember it since I was so young, no one really lets me forget it. Not my aunt and uncle, not my cousin, not even the people at Hogwarts. They all gawk at me and Harry as if we aren’t normal.

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair letting it fall on my face a bit so it covers the scar. That’s the thing, Harry was fortunate enough for it to be on his forehead covered by his hair. Me not so much, I can’t do much to hide it

I sit back down and pull out a book. Now all I have to do is wait

Next chapter——>

[leggerefiore]

https://twitter.com/sasaku_rkgk/status/1635669369450795009?s=20

https://twitter.com/sasaku_rkgk/status/1638145415915925505?s=20

I've completely forgot about this but I found it while cleaning out things BUT s/o making bento boxes/lunch that look like this for them.

Thought it be cute.

anon, the pokemon café food could be so many cute reactions from characters. ingo getting the Sneasel Burger™️

▲Ingo▼

● Poor guy was already overjoyed you made him a lunch and just was tearing up. You could put literal garbage in there, and he would still eat it because he's just so happy his love made him something so sweet and domestic. Ingo makes certain he doesn't miss his lunch break because he simply must make sure to eat your lovingly made meal.

● When he finally opens the box, his eyes go wide at the sight of the dishes inside. An adorable Drillbur themed chocolate cream dish explained why you asked him to make sure he placed it in the refrigerator at work. A cute note you left assured him it wasn't overly sweet, to align with his tastes. A thermos held cooled coffee with an adorable Litwick cup sat beside it. He held back a bravo. This was already too much for him.

● The Trubbish and Garbodor themed rice balls broke him, though. You reassured him you were careful to choose fillings that he'd definitely enjoy in your note. Ingo needed to thank you for all this effort. It truly brightened his day. He happily ate all the cute dishes you prepared for him and was clearly in a good mood for the rest of the day. Even an incident report couldn't bring down his emotional high.

● When he got home, you were quickly embraced and showered with endless praise from your beloved train man. It may tempt you to make more dishes like that for him. (This is how the Sneasel Burger somehow happens with his post or after Hisui.)

▽Emmet△

○ When you placed the odd box into his hands on his way out of the house, he had been confused. You then explained it was his lunch, and he nodded. Emmet is happy you made him food, the container just caught him off guard. He eagerly clocks out for his lunch break and sits the box on his desk. He enjoyed your cooking a lot, so he already expected to like what you made.

○ You proceeded to make his jaw drop and him gasp. The food inside made his grin grow large after getting over the initial shock. Joltik omelette left him overly giddy. They looked just like his babies! The ketchup on one even had him slightly concerned at first. The egg rice with a styled Tynamo made him just sit there with a goofy grin. You left a cute note teasing him about needing a diverse diet than sweets and hoping he enjoyed the meal.

○ You, however, weren't so cruel as to deny him his beloved sweets. Two doughnuts laid in the box, themed like two pieces of a Klink. You gave one a black nose and the other a white one. He chuckled at the idea of he and his brother being the pieces of a Klink. Emmet devoured the entire lunch box, but with momentary hesitation towards the Joltik omelette. He was scared he'd bite into it and hear a familiar squeak. It didn't happen, however, thankfully. All the Depot Agents were then terrified by a genuinely at ease and happy Subway Boss Emmet treading through the station. No one dared ruin his mood.

○ When he got home, you got tackled into a hug and covered in kisses. He thanked you for such a “verrrry” cute meal and squeezed you tightly to him. You definitely were tempted to make more for him, though he did beg you for more sweets.

▲▽▲▽▲▽▲

Sneasel Burger.....

[threehardcandy]

Cinnamon roll

Had a lot cinnamon roll talking on my twt today, wrote a Little short Drarry story (maybe more like an idea with drafts?) with cinnamon roll .

English is not my first Language.

Good cook Draco and Auror Harry. 

_____________________________________

Draco has excellent cooking skills, but due to his identity as a Death Eater, he can't come to daily work, so he secretly develops new recipe for some restaurants. Harry and Draco are in love relationship for a year, Harry had Draco move to Grimmauld Place to live with him, Draco said yes.

To keep Draco safe, Harry announced his love relationship with Draco, no one dare to harass Draco after that. 

Draco has just moved to Grimmauld Place, first day after Draco settled all his belongings, he start to work. 

This night, Harry has been dealing with criminals all day, exhausted and returning home from work. His stomach is growling, Auror's work takes too much enengry. No wonder his colleagues have a big appetite, and the working meals at the Ministry of Magic are not enough.

As soon as Harry stepped out of the floo, he was stunned. The entrance hall of Grimmauld Place is filled with a sweet baking smell.

Harry walked to the dining room, Draco is busy with something on the kitchen table，a plate of cinnamon rolls sat besides him. He swallowed, Draco turned around and looked at Harry. 

He asked Harry:"It's late, have you eaten yet?"

Harry said: "I've had it in the Ministry." 

Draco watches Harry staring at the cinnamon rolls, he turned around, and took a plate and a fork, pick up a cinnamon roll on the plate, scooped up a spoonful of fresh vanilla cream and placed it next to the plate, he set plate in front of Harry, then said, "I'm trying a new flavor and made a whole batch of cinnamon rolls, they're all yours. Eat."

Harry looked at Draco, swallowed, and he began to eat.

The sweetness of apples and the aroma of cinnamon danced on Harry's tongue, and the soft bread filled his mouth.

When Harry finished washing up and went to bed, Draco had already lay down. Harry hugged Draco from behind and rubbed his shoulder with his nose.

Draco's voice was blurry: "You eat so much sweets, did you brush your teeth carefully?"

Harry nodded against Draco's shoulder, Draco patted his furry head. Harry closed his eyes with satisfaction.

In the morning, Harry woke up in the smell of butter filled the room and saw Draco had already up.

The table was filled with food, a giant pot of green juice, a row of croissant that were still hot, probably freshly baked. There were two plates of smoked beef and bacon, and fried eggs in the pan.

Harry thought about how early Draco had to get up to make these things in the morning.

Draco turned around and found Harry standing at the entrance in his pajamas, he urging："Oh, you're up. Change your clothes now, you're going to be late."

Harry changed his clothes and walked to the dining room while putting on his Auror coat.

He said to Draco:"Hey, I may not have time for breakfast..."

Then Draco stuffed a large paper bag into Harry's arms and push him to the floo. "Breakfast is in the paper bag, don't be late. Chop chop!"

When Harry sat besides the office table, Harry opened the paper bag Draco gave him. Inside was a croissant sandwich with fried egg, bacon and smoked beef, a cup of fresh latte, a cinnamon roll, all a warming spell, and a bottle of green juice, cold.

There is also a note with Draco's pretty handwriting: breakfast - croissant and coffee, kale and apple juice after lunch, cinnamon rolls for afternoon tea, just in case you're hungry. Don't eat them all at once!>:(

Harry came home from work at night, today he didn't feel so tired, perhaps because he had eaten a cinnamon roll that Draco made in the afternoon.

Harry walked to the dining room and saw Draco sitting alone at the dining table.

As soon as he saw Harry, he stand up at once also try to slow his voice for some dignity, he drawls: "Have you eaten yet?"

Harry said:"I've eaten at the Ministry." 

Draco frowned:"What did you eat?" 

"My usual, chickpea sandwich, some fries."

Draco snorted with anger:"I'm going to sue the Ministry of Magic, their food is simply abusive of employees..." He waved his wand, steak, grilled vegetables, mashed potatoes, red wine, apple pie, and other foods flew out of the kitchen closet and oven, "Especially Aurora is the most important force in protecting the wizarding world, they must not be malnourished!"

"It's not like we are malnutrition..." Harry watched the red wine opened itself and poured into the glass set up on the table, his voice decreasing.

Harry has never had such a full and delicious meal before.

Late at night, Harry wrapped himself around Draco, rubbed his neck, and whispered: "No one has ever done this for me before. Thank you, Draco."

Draco gently caressed Harry's face, his silver eyes shining like moonlight. He whispered: "I will take good care of you."

Harry turned his face slightly and kissed Draco's palm, saying: "Me too."

They cuddled into sleep.

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Guppycruncher

Debut: Insaniquarium

Insaniquarium is a really, really stupid game. I love it! Look at the little freak that is Guppycruncher! This is an ambiguously arthropodian creature whose body consists of massive slicing mandibles, a head to power those mandibles, eyes, to seek out its next target, and legs to get it to its prey. Its prey are your beloved, valuable guppies. And best of all, Guppycruncher is your friend!

Here we have a Baby Guppy. The foundation of our entire gameplay experience. Take care of your guppies well, and they will reward you with money! As they grow, their rewards increase, and they may even grow up into a resplendent crowned guppy dropping dazzling diamonds! But sometimes that’s not a viable enough strategy. Sometimes you need money FASTER. And that is where Guppycruncher comes in!

You get no points for guessing what Guppycruncher does to guppies. You do however, get a smile! You are all winners :)

You may think it is silly that, in a game where the goal is to reach a certain amount of money by raising fish, you would intentionally purchase a creature whose sole purpose is to kill and eat these fish before they can even mature. Well, I’m here to tell you that YOU are the silly ones!

See? As Guppycruncher eats guppies, it creates Beetles! Yes, kids, this is where beetles come from! No, I don’t know what an “egg” is! Guppycruncher’s massive jaws make it look quite a bit like an antlion larva’s head, and it functions sort of like the opposite of a real antlion! Guppycruncher eats fish and spits out insects. Meanwhile, real antlions eat insects! And for all you know, they could be pooping out fish underground!

That all being said, I would not be at all surprised if Guppycruncher was inspired by the bobbit worm! Unlike an antlion, it jumps up to catch its prey, as a bobbit worm lunges out from its burrow! It’s like a bobbit worm head with legs. Also, I just want to mention that the butt-like shape of its head reminds me of how big dogs have a butt shape on the top of their heads due to their large jaw muscles! They probably did not have that in mind here, but it is fun anyway.

Anyway, Beetles are where the REAL money is! It quickly becomes more economical to have a steady supply of cheap little guppies in order to feed a growing army of Guppymunchers, since beetles are worth more than currency. But what if you want MORE? More than beetles? Frankly, how dare you ask such a thing. But fine.

Name: Beetlemuncher

“Finally! A use for all those pesky beetles!” -an utter fool

It’s true, I love beetles, and I belittle those who disrespect them, but boy howdy, I love Beetlemuncher, too! Beetlemuncher loves beetles, and in fact thinks they look good enough to munch! However, that will have to wait. Beetlemuncher has a more important mission.

Just kidding! Beetlemuncher’s purpose is to eat beetles. But why? Why continue to extend this cycle of creatures eating creatures? Because Beetlemuncher drops PEARLS! Like an oyster, except these pearls are BETTER, and more valuable.

Just like Guppycruncher, Beetlemuncher is a bizarre but delightful sort of creature! This one is a chameleon head with chameleon arms and a tadpole tail sticking out of it. I love it! In the files, it is known as “gekko”, but I just finished telling you it is more like a chameleon. Please trust me!

So, guppies eat fish food. Guppycruncher eats guppies, and makes beetles. Beetlemuncher eats beetles, and makes pearls. Nothing eats pearls, because pearls are a choking hazard, of course! I hope you have learned a lot about Fish today!

[flock-talk]

For each of your birds which photo of them best captures their personality? Which image best conveys Mia's queendom, or Toto's...Toto?

Let’s be real their personalities cannot be encapsulated by a single image so I limited myself to two instead

We’ll start with señor Flippy, the boisterous boy who was so aptly named for his nightly routine of doing backflips off the roof of his cage to prep his bedtime perch for sleepy time. He sang the loudest songs to anyone who would listen and man could this man POOF. He made sunbathing in to a competitive sport. He would also routinely try to fight anything he deemed necessary, including threatening the parrotlets which is a fight he definitely could not win but, we’ll let him talk big, don’t want to deflate his poofy ego.

Zeeby occasionally located a brain cell and when she did she didn’t use it in the most functional ways. She would chew perches like an old bugs bunny cartoon, chewing the base of the perch while she’s standing on the very tip of it then forgetting she has wings when it plunged to the ground- surprised that gravity afflicts her. The fact that she passed trying to produce an egg twice as large as a standard egg for her lesbian wife is honestly probably the only way that makes sense for her.

Her majesty the bean, miss Mia moo berry, connoisseur of local hot spots (literally) and a palate for only the finest of foods for her royal tum tum. She was the pickiest bean, would not have a bath unless it was the exact right tub, in direct sunlight at high noon, the room must be warm but the water ice cold if any of these variables are off it is unacceptable. Veggies she refused for a year before sampling one, yet again they must be presented in a manner fit for the Queen, fresh and crispy in direct sunlight, if the veggie so much as looks at her wrong it becomes indigestible. How dare you. Running a Queendom is hard work, as a result any time not spent eating was spent napping where she would locate the best sunny spot in the house and hunker down. Doesn’t matter if that spot is in the middle of the floor, you will protect the Queen at all costs and imply proper security tactics (image below)

Newt has a heart of gold, he dedicated two years earning the Queen bean’s trust and she didn’t make that easy. He took his time, respected her boundaries and eventually earned the privilege of preening and cuddling Miss Mia. With this heart of gold there is also the mind for Crime, he plots thefts and incriminating acts on the daily but between his sweet demeanour and immense intelligence he’s yet to be incarcerated. This isn’t to say that he is conniving all the time, he of course likes his down time in his preferred state of being- absolutely sopping wet.

Toto! Oh toto…. I don’t know how a creature can exist with a grand total of zero brain cells at any given point in time but man he does it! A very simple man who just wants to love his husbirb, preen his husbird, gather stick for husbirb, husbirb is life. But also if human is willing to offer a scritch then human is also very good option. Will get stick for human, humans like stick. A big fluffy man filled only with love and affection.

[justatasteofyourpoison]

Let’s begin…

(A Hazbin Hotel/Alastor x Fem Reader fan fiction)

Part 7

Yes this has been a long time coming. But let’s face it, when you start getting involved with a new partner you never get all the secrets straight away do you? ;D

Pairing: Alastor x Fem Reader

Warnings: 18+, swearing, alcohol consumption, adult themes, murder/man-slaughter/violence, dark themes, fluff, not the best grammar.

Word count: 1.9k

____________________________________________

“BUT THERE’S NO DANCING WOLVES IN IT!” Sir Pentious exclaimed furiously holding the DVD up and tapping the title with his claws.

“No there’s not Sir Pentious but…” Charlie tried explaining through gritted teeth before being interrupted once again.

“Well my Egg Boys are called that because they’re EGGS and they’re BOYS! Why would a film be called Dances with Wolves if it wasn’t all about breakdancing wolves? I don’t understand!” He raged.

“Right, thank you Sir Pentious! I think we’ll leave it there. Probably not another exercise we’ll try again but thank you for all your thoughts and opinions guys!” Charlie said looking rather bedraggled. “Go about your day!”

“C’mon hun, let’s go get you a drink” Vaggie said softly leading a rather defeated Charlie to the kitchen. “It was meant to be a simple film to grasp…” Charlie moaned allowing herself to be dragged away.

“Another fantastic team building activity!” You chuckled to yourself as everyone departed from the seats in the lobby. As you went to leave your seat familiar black smoke gathered in front of you and Alastor appeared, his famous grin first then the rest of his tall frame.

“Ready for our outing?” He said gesturing towards the door. You could see he had a picnic basket on his arm, which only meant one thing - he was taking you to the forest! Your heart fluttered with excitement, you loved it there.

“I am indeed good Sir!” You exclaimed linking arms with him. “Oh… This is ok isn’t it?” You said forgetting that you both had never really been affectionate in public before.

“No one in hell would dare utter a word about my choice of company my sweet.” He said starting to sound a little fired up. “I want to show you off today.” He said linking your arms back together and pulling you gently towards the door.

As you walked through the city you couldn’t believe the stares - well you could I guess. Most beings were terrified of Alastor, so for them to see him galavanting with someone I guess it was an unusual sight. Someone who wasn’t Rosie that is… After a rather long walk you both arrived in a little clearing in the forest. The large old trees loomed over you both, but it felt more comforting than ominous, like they were tall protectors offering themselves as shelter.

Alastor laid down the red blanket and started placing the food and drink out meticulously. It was all only food that you would eat and you felt quite overwhelmed for the effort he had put in for you. But at least he could enjoy a glass of red wine.

“Cheers my dear.” He said clinking his glass with yours “to the most ravishing girl in hell.” You blushed. “Cheers Alastor, thank you for all this.” You said gratefully.

“No bother at all” he smiled. “I just wanted you to be comfortable for our little history lesson…” He said taking a swig of his wine before carefully standing it on the uneven ground. “Are you ready? Thorns and all?”

“Yes Alastor” you said, trying to hide the nervous feeling which had crept up on you.

“Then I guess the best place to start is from the beginning…” he said, the tone of his voice changing like he was about to go live on air.

“The first few years I spent in hell were quite the blur, but I guess it feels that way for everyone. You have to accept the fact that you’re dead and you have to try to start again in this unfamiliar and forlorn world. I wandered about aimlessly for a long time, until I finally realised that I was going to be here a long time, so I might as well start living. No pun intended!

In life, I had always adored the radio. The nights I would sit up with my mother as a child just listening to the music, those were comforting times… I’d never broadcasted though while living, but had always wanted to. So now I was dead I thought maybe I could give it a go, better late than never they always say! So I took residence in an old radio tower, a little bit like the one at the hotel. It my haven away from the messy streets of the city and I did little broadcasts about gossip going about hell and would play some of my favourite old records. I certainly didn’t have many listeners, but oh it just felt good to get my voice out there! I would wait tables when I could to get by and spend any extra pennies to buy new equipment to improve the studio.”

“But then… I don’t remember when, but one year I started to have this uncontrollable feeling come over me. I would stay awake at night thinking that madness had taken over me. I couldn’t shake off this feeling of desire and rage. It wasn’t until I was walking down the city streets one day and saw an old book in bargain bin outside a shop that I finally deciphered what was happening to me. Classic Taxidermy it was called. On the front cover was the head of a mighty stag mounted on a wall. It suddenly clicked; I’d manifested in hell as this Deer Demon so of course I would take on their characteristics. The annual rut was a big thing when I was alive, several times I’d been in bars and heard avid huntsman talking about the season’s activities.” Alastor paused and looked up at the sky as if he was searching for memories.

“Of course the rut is when stags fight for, and breed the females, so the feeling I had felt now made sense. But a nervousness stired in me. I hadn’t been with anyone in Hell and found most beings were very wary of me, apart from a select few... There was one girl who was a regular at the bar I worked in and we struck it off fairly quickly. One night during a rut I asked her to come back to my place… Unfortunately my desire got the best of me back then and I lost all control that night… I was too rough...” His voice trailed to a whisper and his eyes looked downcast.

After a moment that felt like an eon Alastor cleared his throat and continued. “Realising I couldn’t restrain myself when it came to intimacy I decided to take my feelings out in a different way. I didn’t want to cause harm innocent females, I wanted to use the increased power that came with the rut in a more productive way. So, I started by cleansing the streets of hell, taking out the very dregs of society.”

“One night I was chasing down a notorious wretch when he tried to bargain for his life. He offered me his soul to spare him, and in owning his soul he would do any bidding as and when I desired. I decided to indulge him to see if he would be worth my while. The contract was drawn and as he signed it I felt the power flow through me, it was magnificent! I decided to do this with every other being I hunted down, and of course fearing where they’d end up after hell the majority sold their souls to me. And the ones that didn’t… Well let’s just say I started broadcasts to let everyone in hell know what would happen if they dare cross me. That’s when I commonly became know as the Radio Demon. However, some beings learned of my abilities and bargained with me to save their own powers when they were under threat. I was always happy to oblige. Having a soul with a bit of added flare to do you bidding was even more useful.”

“So, as you see for much of my time in hell during rutting season I would use my rage and desire to gather up more souls. Souls are power my darling and now I am one of the most feared overlords in the land. But obviously I wanted to help Charlie with her endeavour and a Hotel being ran by someone like me isn’t a great look… So I tried to tone myself down a little bit, live a quieter life. And then you appeared, with your zest and liveliness. And such a beautiful darkness… Once rutting season began this year I still needed to satisfy my hunger. But I didn’t want to ruin the Hotel’s reputation, therefore going on a soul gathering rampage wasn’t an option. So I thought why not try to take my rut out in the traditional way? I’d longed to taste you… Of course I have done some of my late night broadcasts but that has only been because a being has challenged me and I needed to put them in their place…” he paused and put his hand on your thigh. “I hope all this hasn’t scared you Y/N” he said softly.

You sat there a little dumbfounded trying to process all the information you had just heard. “So when we first… Uhh… Got together… There was a chance you could have killed me?” You said having to force the words out of your mouth.

“No, unless I wanted to of course!” Alastor laughed tying to play down the situation.

“No I wouldn’t, all the power I have now has put me in perfect control of myself. I would never lay a finger on you. Apart from when you like it of course” he said coyly giving you a playful peck on the cheek.

“Well that is a relief!” You sighed before taking a large sip of wine. But you couldn’t help but feel slightly sad about what you had heard, you knew that Alastor had killed before. But when it was a being who hadn’t done wrong… Then again, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones - you were in hell and you had your own wrong doings to bear… You tried to shake off the melancholy feeling and focus.

“I kind of understand you using your ruts in this way… You needed the relief….” You began. “But is there a reason you need all this power? Do you just want power for the sake of it or is there a reason you need it?” You said gazing intently at the Radio Demon.

“A fine question, you won’t leave any stone unturned will you Y/N?” He chuckled. Well yes I have left a large portion of the story out… The reason why I need all this power is because of that obnoxious flat faced fuck that you see on every TV screen in hell!” He spat.

Alastor’s eyes became black and a crack of thunder was heard overhead. His eyes quickly returned to their usual scarlet as he realised what was happening and he swiftly grabbed your hand. “Looks like we’re going to get some acid rain, let’s get you home. I’d rather finish the story off away from possible prying eyes and ears anyway.” He said quickly opening an umbrella over you and ushering you in the direction home.

____________________________________________

All instalments:

[the--saboteur]

You wont feed the poor starving children? You fiend. You day old cabbage. Dare I say.. YOU BITCH.

*Flashes you with the super comically large flash beacon, but theres a second one so theres two of them.*

This is what you get, you boiled piece of flesh. Absolute menace. Ill intent fish. Cooking you up in soy sauce next you little fuckwaffle. I will splay the gore of your profane form across the stars. Im gonna fill you with deviled eggs and orange gatorade.

You better find a god and pray to it, Sebastian. I will relish entering your ribcage and turning you into hotdog water jell-o.

"GRRH- FUCK!"

Sebastian recoils, eyes squeezing shut as he turns his head away. His tail thrashes about, loudly knocking things over. He shakes his head, recovering rather quickly for how much he's been tormented as of late.

"Fine... I could use a good, writhing meal."

Still blinded, he launches himself forward, pinning the expendable to the ground. With a snarl, he digs his fangs into what he assumes is the junction between their neck and shoulder. He pulls back, ripping flesh and muscle. Swallowing it down, he dives back in, tearing and eating anything he can.

[darling-phoebe]

dead meat ! river beckham ❥ gn! partner! reader, part one

listen i have a type for big scary men who are protective like guard dogs okay. warning for sexual harassment and non-con groping (not from yan), slight gore, cannibalism, i think that's it. gn reader, no use of y/n

─ [ . : ｡✿ ]

river never considered himself to be submissive for anyone. he liked dominance. liked power. liked feeling someone's heartbeat slow and sputter and stop beneath his fingertips while they took their final breath. river was not a man who took well to being told what to do.

but for you...

you came to him, pretty, wide eyes filled with tears. face splotchy and red. whole body shaking.

you fell into his arms, and he immediately felt at home.

but there was no peace. no, not with the way you were sobbing─ not with the way you were falling apart like a piece of tender meat on his dinner plate. but somebody else had done the slaughtering.

somebody else had hurt you.

"what happened, angel?" he mumbled into your ear as he stroked your hair. god his heart was pounding. the kill tonight would be delicious. his best yet, he was sure.

"he─ he─" you could barely get through it, panicked sobs tumbling from your mouth as you gasped for air.

you were at work. your boss asked you to stay late to help him with some paperwork. you sat at his desk, helped all night long, didn't have a clue. when you went to say goodnight, he gave you a hug, and you thought it was strange but you tried to brush it off. until his hands started groping your ass, and he was calling you a slut. said you knew what was gonna happen, you must want this. you begged him to leave you alone, and he just kept going. until you threatened to call the police. he laughed, but his hands dropped. he let you leave.

"i'm so sorry, my love," he whispered, pulling you closer. you didn't see the dead look in his eyes.

so someone thought they could just take what didn't belong to them? some idiot was actually stupid to think the police were the worst thing coming their way, when they'd hurt river's sweet, perfect angel.

"i─ i should've─"

he hushed you, not letting you speak your blame aloud. "not your fault, angel... not your fault..." he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead.

"i don't─ how am i g─gonna go to work tomorrow?" you cried.

"oh, baby, don't worry 'bout that..." sweet thing like you, worrying over something as silly as work in a time like this. didn't you know he could take care of you?

didn't you know he would always take care of you?

"but─ but─"

"no, no, no..." he hushed you again, rocking you slightly in his arms. "here's what you're gonna do." he pulled away just a little, and lifted your chin to meet your puffy eyes. "you're gonna stay here tonight. you're gonna call out tomorrow. we'll spend the day together, watching those cheesy horror movies you love and eating popcorn and cuddling. and you're not gonna worry about a thing."

"but─ what about─?"

"what did i say, darling?" he looked at your sternly. "you're not gonna worry about a thing. i'll take care of it."

you watched him all wide-eyed for a moment, before sniffling and nodding and snuggling back into his chest.

you were so precious when you were sleeping. he loved watching you. he didn't need much sleep, so he often found himself staying up all night just to watch your chest and rise and fall, hear your sleepy mumbles, and wipe the drool from the side of your mouth.

but tonight, sadly... he had other important duties to attend to. duties like removing scum from the earth that had dared to lay hands on his angel.

the next morning, he made you eggs and sausage. the sausages tasted strange, you thought, but you always loved river's cooking. you ate it all without a second thought.

river did not like being told what do...

but that night, when he was ripping your pathetic boss limb from limb, strangling him with his large intestine, chopping him up to bits to him through a sausage machine─ he knew even if you didn't mean to, that he'd kill anyone you asked him to. get rid of anyone causing you harm. it was the closest thing to gentleness he could muster in his darkened heart.

you pointed, and like any good guard dog, he ran and caught and killed.

he made a good dog, he thought.

─ [ . : ｡✿ ]

❛ if you need to be mean, be mean to me ❜

part 2 coming soon !

[tksavvy]

Time to Brew! (CRK x Reader tickle fic)

*Created at the request of [ANONYMOUS USER]*

*Y/N is gender neutral in this fic*

Author's Note: I was too lazy to write the brewing part of the story and that's why it looks kinda rushed, so...sorry about that...other than that, enjoy!

A small grunt could be heard in the snow as ingredients fell in a large bag.

"And that's the last of the ingredients!"

You were in the snow, collecting berries and spices, and neccesary ingredients such as milk and eggs in the market.

The snow crunched as your footsteps followed, you were humming [favorite part of your favorite song] in the way.

It's been a few months since Affogato Cookie had been exiled from the Dark Cacao Kingdom. You, one of his minions (and his personal favorite) are just finished setting up the ingredients for the huge banquet later, and are heading to tell him about it.

You looked a bit sad and tired from all this situation. So you just sit down and talk it out, thinking maybe just that will cheer you up. No no, never mind the sadness and tiredness part. After all, it's just an average day in life for ya.

And there it was. The large castle you lived in. It was abandoned at first, but then he, the other minions, and you remodeled it and turned it into a huge mansion.

"Hello?" you mumbled as you opened the castle doors. A deep creaking sound was made as the door opened. "Yes?" a voice entered.

It was Affogato Cookie. You smiled a bit.

You rushed to tell him about the banquet, excited and happy! Hell, you almost squeal in excitement!

"I finally finished with the banquet's ingredients!" you said, putting them in the kitchen table. "Perfect. I knew I should have trusted you on this!" When you go back to the main hall and look at him, he simply pats you in the head.

"You know, since you worked so hard today, I think a break for you is mandatory. I'll go and prepare a brew for you~"

Oh flip.

You knew exactly what this meant.

One time you've accidentally overheard a fellow minion laughing, they were being "brewed and tasted" by Affogato Cookie.

You found it strange, since they're usually stoic and grumpy, but you decided to keep it a secret from everyone else, and especially that certain minion...

Strangely, you can't help but get a bit excited knowing you would actually experience this for the first time. Well, actually the first time in years. In your childhood, tickles were almost never there and it made you feel isolated and sad.

Affogato Cookie invites you to sit on your lap. You hesitate at first, but you decide to do so.

And finally, you felt the first poke right on your stomach.

"Eek!" Then another one. And another one...until eventually...

"AHAHAHAHAHA!! MY LIHEHEHEGE!!"

Small giggles could be heard in the walls of the castle. You can't help but kick your legs at the sensation to try to escape, but he's just too strong...

"So how does it feel, dear?" your liege asked, curious and slightly cocky and daring.

"IHIT TIHIHICKLES!!"

"That is what it's supposed to do. I'm just cheering you up since you look kind of sad."

Huh?! How did he-?! It's strange how he can read your mind at times...how does he even do that?! You ask yourself that question frequently.

"You're such a sweetheart, you know?" You blush at the compliments you get and cover your face with your hands. "NOHOT THAHAHAT!!"

"Oh? You're flustered? How cute~"

The brew began. For the ice cream, he slid his fingers down your ribs. Then the coffee, he did raspberries on your neck. To put the ice cream back, the ribs received it again. And then, he nuzzled on your neck to eat you. You were laughing and blushing so hard, you could swear the entire kingdom heard you.

As he continued nuzzling, he could notice tiredness in you.

"OKAHAY OKAY STAHAHAP!"

Thankfully, he knows when enough is enough, so the attack comes to an end.

"Phew...my liege...that was actually...kind of fun!"

"I'm more than glad you enjoyed! Do you happen to feel better now?"

"Hehe. A bit. Actually, a whole lot. Thanks my liege."

"No problem. Should we do this more often?"

Silence, until you stammered a bit.

"Yes." you said, shyly.

"Wanna go help with the cooking, Y/N?" he asked.

All you could say was "Yes my liege."

Both of you head out to the main kitchen, about to get the ingredients and start the cooking.

And you were 100% sure the day couldn't get any better than this.

[bonefall]

https://discover.grasslandbeef (.com) /blog/novolone-cheese-dairy-free-bone-marrow-cheese-recipe/

Heres a bone marrow recipe with 0 butter, it was the one i was looking at. It seems that it just uses the plantains as a mushy base but i didn't know if the clans have access to anything that can be mushified. I was also thinking if my clans have access to milk (one clan lives on mountains and are known for knocking goats over cliffs to kill them, although its dangerous since you can be the one thrown over instead) but i havent researched that entirely. And about the eggs, I actually did have that written down (its called Balut iirc), fermenting things by burying them came up a LOT and stuffing large organs like stomachs to cook whole came up too. Pemmican seems like something the clans would also eat, since its just dried meat, berries, and fat.

DEFINITELY gonna use that marrow recipe as a butter substitute, it seems like the marrow alone can be used as a butter... unsure about the cheese though, the plantain seems like a very important ingredient there as a binding agent, and my cats don't have those.

Could apples or pears be used instead? I don't think blackberries would have that same "consistency."

On Milk

It's in the realm of possibility for everyone else's Clans who live on farms or have a good relationship with feral goats to collect milk! Difficult, considering their paws aren't particularly dexterous, but possible if they figured out a good grip. Feral cats who live near elephant seals are also actually able to steal milk irl-- that's because an elephant seal nipple lactates in 'bursts' with no kneading required.

But my Clan cats will never have milk for two reasons

They don't like to spend time around humans or steal from them, unless they're SkyClan. Living too close to humans and their pets stresses them out. So Warrior Bites recipes will never use them, because they would not have a culinary use for things they do not encounter.

The logistics of taking milk are difficult. They'd need to keep the animal still, milk them into a bucket, and then be able to run with that container (possibly jumping over obstacles). Since my cats aren't living directly alongside these animals, they don't have technological development towards this. Maybe as a dare! But not enough to get used in official recipes.

I also just, personally, really don't like the idea of trying to force Clan Culture into being an arbitrary reflection of ours. I sometimes do funny little tidbits, memes, or jokes, y'know? Especially for names (in both English and Clanmew) because I love puns and it eventually becomes its own word. But something as big as including dairy products as a base ingredient in official Warrior Bites entries completely defeats the point of my project.

I'm not trying to reverse engineer human food for cats, like, make "versions" of popular people junk foods that they would never come up with if they weren't just mimicking twolegs. I wanna make Clan cat food. I wanna make food that's 75% what a cat in this culture would whip up if you gave them a brain and fire and only 25% still palatable to humans.

(examples of suggestions I get frequently that are a hard no: pizza, hot pockets, noodles, sandwiches, insert random farm vegetable, candy, plant-based dishes that contain absolutely no meat)

But!! This is taking my Clan's cultures into consideration! It makes perfect sense to have milk AND evolve lactose tolerance if your Clan's culture is keeping livestock! Be that their own herds, or living in tandem with human farms, etc.

ShepherdClan would be a serious vibe.

Stomachs, Balut, Pemmican

I ABSOLUTELY plan to make dishes that are like haggis, where you take a big organ, stuff it full of meat, and then roast the whole thing. A++++ S-rank stuff. That's exactly the sort of thing they'd get up to.

ShadowClan in particular also likes to experiment with fermentation, so I want to eventually give them "ratwurst" lmao, sausages made from the intestines of rats, packed with meats, and then fermented until hard.

Balut is an egg in late embryonic development. You get a little bite of yolk and a big bite of meat! It's absolutely something the Clans would get up to. Traditionally this is done with ducks, which are everywhere in the part of England so I can definitely imagine Clan cats stealing a couple eggs 'that won't even be missed.'

But you know what I'm going to do? Clan cats LOVE doing this with cuckoo eggs most of all. Especially in ThunderClan and SkyClan. They'll inspect the nests of songbirds, and if they see a cuckoo, just take it and incubate it themselves. Just enough until it's maximum delicious.

They have a cultural love of songbirds, so they have a vested interest in protecting them from brood parasites which kill the other eggs.

And pemmican? Totally a ThunderClan thing. Funfact I decided that it's Ivypool's favorite food, she seems like she'd like something a little chewy.