#i cried quite a bit
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#remember that dumb comic thing i made where narinder killed ratau#that's why it's sitting in the corner#it's ok they set up a card game for it#art#fanart#drawing#sketch#cult of the lamb#cotl#cotl narinder#cotl ratau#cotl the goat#god i woke up this morning stared at my screen for two hours then cried#genuinely did not want to deal with the sketch for the second one but i soldiered on o7#also decided to change the style a bit for funsies#honestly narinder is just there cause i missed drawing it#the umbrella on the last one is traced dont even bother i spent a whole hour trying to draw it#i rage quit and just traced jt
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had to give drawing him a try ;u;
#just finished the game yesterday and oooohhhh wow#absolutely phenomenal game and i cried quite a bit sdfjslk#i could feel the game worming it's way into my brain from the demo and now it's fully living there rent free#nine sols#九日#yi#yi nine sols#nine sols yi#sylphee art
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i am sadly one of those people who are super insicure of themselves after any social interaction, I go over and over again in my head and feel irrationally bad bc my brain tells me I was awkward, and probably came off as weird and so on. But you know what brain? I had the social interaction. I did it. I spoke out loud to people and had a conversation instead of freezing and feeling unable to talk. So fuck it if I came off as weird and awkward, I am weird and awkward and it's okay, because I did something that just a few years ago would have been even more of a struggle, and even earlier than that it would have been close to impossible.
#i have to keep reminding myself this thing over and over#brain we are not focusing on the way people percieve us we are focusing on the progress we have made through the years#today my brain is bullying me quite a bit over this thing bc i am stressed and i was at work all morning so i had to deal with people#but you know what? i did it and i did my job and i was much more comfortable doing things a few years ago scared me like#casually talking to people and dealing with money#and you know what? when i didn't know what to do or i wasn't sure i asked for help and it was all okay#and people coming into the shop are never rude if they see i have to ask for support to my mom or my brother bc i very casually work there#so i know basic stuff but not everything and that is fine#and if sometimes i need to use a calculator to sum up the prices of things it's okay#and if sometimes a regular knows the prices of what they have to pay already and i have to check it once or even twice it's okay#wow this turned out to be a longer rand than expected but i might need to reread this in the future#note to self#cris speaks
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my live reaction to wwdits season 6 summarized
#ok the start of the season started off a teeeny bit slow (as usual)#but GODDAMN#episodes 2 and 3 were good as hell#A-tier potentially#i loooooved the baron cameo and the guide and guillermo’s new office job#i looove the nadja going out into the human world plotline too#tho nandermo being doomed by the narrative is so tragic#is it canon that they both have some verrrryyy complicated feelings for each other? yes#is it canon that they both like each other a lot more than they let on? yes#ESPECIALLY nandor he’s the culprit of this#but will they kiss? atm i am inclined to think no#judging by how it’s going so far especially#tho i know in my heart nandor cried in his coffin a little bit when guillermo left#quite literally the most doomed of doomed yaoi#what we do in the shadows spoilers#what we do in the shadows#what we do in the shadows season 6#wwdits#wwdits spoilers
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so. oracion
#^ how i look when i listen to oracion#i dont...remember oracion having an emotional impact on kid me?#like. i Literally barely remembered m10#so most of that was New to me#were there any pokemon movies that hit me? i dont really remember#the victini movie i think. i used to be a little obssesed with iy#but i think it was more because it featured victini and i love loved victini very much#sky warrior is good but its not making me cry#alright i think i just need to sit down and rewatch all the pokemon movies#the mewtwo one with the pikaclone slap fight didnt hit me. i do remember ash died and got better bc they all cried tho#i wanna rewatch the lati one#and jewel of life too ofc#i only know this bc i was told this but apparently i was soooo obsessed with jewel of life#which i guess? i remember quite a bit from that movie#there was that spiky eared pichu even#i was obsessed with that lad
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PLEASE COULD WE MAYBE GET LIKE A VIBE OF WHAT THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF SETTLE OUR BONES IS GOING TO BE ABOUT NO PRESSURE JUST CURIOUS
The vibe is it’s kicking my ass 😂
#it’s a collab with batmoniker!#it’s set in Sept/Oct ish#after school starts up again#and it involves some Proper Comic Book stuff#no one throws up in it so I should get points for that!!#a few days ago I got so frustrated trying to work out the logistics in one scene that I cried a little#then felt very dumb bc I’m a grown woman and this is fanfic#then called batmoniker in a panic like listen what if we just scrap the whole fic#and she was like orrrrr#we could NOT do that and just delete the part that isn’t working#and I was like ‘but it would be so satisfying to just delete everything‘#and she’s like ‘I support you but……maybe just try this first’#ANYWAY it started sort of coming together today#and I THINK it’s somewhat steering in the right direction#it’s got a TON of pov shifting#including one bit that’s outsider POV#and that makes it quite a challenge#I’m currently on an Alfred section#it has more action than I generally write#but there will still be a good bit of hurt/comfort bc I’m still me#batmoniker and I came up with this idea like 3 years ago while slightly drunk the first time we ever met up irl#so that’s the vibe#and if this fic ever sees the light of day it will be 100% thanks to batmoniker#settle our bones
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wip wednesday
In the drifting silence of his empty apartment, Shen Wei presses the door shut, turns the lock. And then, like his body was waiting until he was alone, his legs give out. Shen Wei tips/topples against/into the wall, sinks down to sitting on the front mat/in the entryway. He sits there for a long time, curled into himself with his arms around his knees. The whole time, his body braced for the sound of Zhao Yunlan’s door opening, the sound of footsteps crossing the hall. Waiting, again, for Kunlun to return to him. But no sound comes from outside his door. At last, Shen Wei tips his head back against the wall, lets out a soft, streaming sigh. The sound trembles in the still air. It’s the closest he’s come to crying in years, that he can remember.
from the up draft of the answer fic. im cutting it veryyyyyy close to the deadline this time ahahaha (nervous!) but the writing is going relatively smoothly (knocks on wood) and i think it'll turn out pretty delicious!!
#weilan#shen wei#guardian#my fic#guardian bonus bingo 2024 prompt 5#wip wednesday#three days ................................. *cries a little bit*#its ok shockingly this feels ... doable. i also did structure this fic to be VERY striaghtforward for me:#sw pov / not much worldbuilding or plot / lots of flashback + canon constraints / no new characters / canon weilan#which IS a skill i wanted specifically to work on through guardian bingo this year so i'm quite happy with this!#i was thinking about this yesterday and in december 2023 it took me about a month to write 'the beginning of devotion' (roughly 3.8k)#and now it will be taking me about a week and a half to write this guy (roughly 3.2k)#without having to sacrifice process very much! i'm starting to learn where i can cut corners which is hehe. awesome#achieved at the expense of. much shrieking and interruption of various necessary rhythms of life haha. but. kind of cool to me#i might do a reflection post about how i think my process has changed this year bc it's definitely different (at least a little) than dec'2#it feels like. yknow. like i've figured out how to do the basic steps and now i'm adding flourishes and stuff#ok enough rambling lol if u've read this far i salute you
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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Hey sleepy! I liked your reply about your job and the questions you need to think about wording. I saw something in your tags and wanted to provide my experience if that's ok? I don't know how valuable it is to share, and it may be the case that you already know or have considered this, so, to be taken or left at will :)
You say you see a lot of autistic people on tumblr having strong negative reactions to normal interactions, which can be a bit confusing. And it's true! They are normal and polite, and to some extent necessary. What I want to say is this : I am autistic, and growing up I struggled a lot with these subtle questions. I did get a lot better at this with practice, and conscious effort - I am 30 years old now, and my interactions are easier to navigate, even if I still regularly run into the same problems I used to. This makes me have complicated interactions with people, but complicated is just part of life, and most people are quite helpful I find.
Where I think the problem still lies for me, and where this anger might be coming from when people complain about this online, is that people quite regularly still get angry or upset with me when I don't answer properly or seem like I don't understand something easy. I mean like colleagues at work, where we range from 30 to 55 years of age.
There is a difference between your work and mine, question wise, I think : my colleagues don't know I'm autistic, while you know your patients have dementia. They think I'm a bit weird (this has been communicated to me lol), but no more. It may be that you simply don't interpret them as rude, because you know they're not trying to be, while people regularly interpret my behavior this way - rude, lazy, stupid, what have you. In my life I am finding people to not always be very patient when I don't follow the expected script. Many people are!! Most people are. And we go back and forth asking more questions to figure out what we're talking about, and sometimes I can feel that they are finding this a bit funny, but it works out in the end. But the angry and upset ones weigh heavy, and when I was a child many more people felt comfortable, I think, being angry with me. It took a lot of time to unlearn that I could get punished for asking follow up or clarifying questions for simple conversations.
I think, in short, that the autistic people you see complain about this have learned to be afraid. If they are young, or surrounded by less patient people, people might be getting angry at them often, or it may be recent in their life that they did get angry.
(It may also be that they have been trying to learn how to navigate these for a while, and it just won't work! It can be very hard to tell what went wrong in a given interaction and it's easy to leave it with the wrong conclusion. Working on this was a very frustrating process. But this is, I think, another subject.)
Thank you for your patience with my many many words, and please have a good day :)
Hey thank you!!
Especially thank you cos I was a bit nervous rambling like that cos I definitely don't want to try and take away from autistic people's experiences, or put myself in a place where I shouldn't be. I fully get that a lot of tumblr stuff is people not looking for solutions and just venting about their life (that's healthy! You need a space for that!) so I don't wanna step in all defensive and explanatory when someone's just had a particularly shit day. I'm very pleased you read it (long as it was) and didn't come away offended ❤️
I expect I do have quite different experiences, one (obviously) because I'm not autistic. The other being I work in a place that pretty much requires abnormal patience to be able to do the job. This job also is hugely culturally diverse and the style of communication in the break room is plain and simple English and trying to reword sentences quickly and blamelessly because confusion is presumed to be a cultural mishmash or struggle with english. There are definitely neurodiverse staff who I work with (some have told me, some just struggle beyond a language barrier) but it isn't much of an issue cos of the culture we've built. This probably puts me on a back foot cos it seems so easy to me to chat to everyone I meet, just by code switching slightly as needed. That's basic politeness
So yeah, if there's fucking adult professionals in the world not approaching colleagues with politeness and generosity, you'll have some bad times. I've had them at prior workplaces, bullies are cunts
There are of course a lot of differences between people living with dementia and autistic people, but I admit I hadn't thought of my awareness of their diagnosis! You're totally right, and being aware of someone's needs does change my behaviour.
I agree with you that it seems like people have learnt to be afraid of conversations. I think that's very sad, cos most conversations are harmless and fun.
The bit I see on tumblr that bothers me most really is the grouping of "all autistics think like this whereas all neurotypicals think like that" which just cannot help anyone actually chat. It's not always as a neurotypical = bad (although that is most often the tone), but I don't like how it removes uniqueness from people. And I think it's more of a situation where people are applying their personal trauma responses to a whole group of people and assuming it's correct cos it's true for them, individually.
Like, I see my staff room with three Nepalese (one of whom is on the spectrum), a Ugandan with brain damage, the most beautiful Ethiopian woman you'll ever see, the country guy with ADHD, and little me and we're all laughing at the same joke and I just am not seeing the neurotypical people in the room with the same cruelty and dismissiveness as what autistic people describe on tumblr
I can fully empathise how hard it is to shake childhood and lifelong damage from insidious stuff like what you're describing. I'm just not sure the tone I see on most autistic-centric posts are working on shaking it, I think they're wallowing. And it bothers me cos it's fucking sad, most people are fantastic!
I'm glad you mentioned that you do enjoy/don't struggle with most conversations you have these days! I also have some dud interactions throughout the week, but that's just personality clashes. Or the occasional racist 🙄. But most of it should be easy or fun, that's why we've culturally built polite interest small talk and referential shorthand jokes to show intimacy without invasiveness.
I guess it's a bit hard for me to hear that my attempts at being cheerful and causal and friendly might cause just stress in someone, and then I'd never know cos they go away to blog about it in anger. But I suppose I should get over that, if someone chooses not to talk to me about how I unknowingly make life difficult for them that's their choice and not my problem until I'm told
Cos I'm not gonna stop being cheerful and friendly just in case i confuse the odd someone, I'll be miserable and I'll feel cruel. But I am very sorry to think this sort of carry on could be unpleasant to anyone. I dunno, no fixes here of course ❤️❤️
#autistic stuff#kisses and hugs and love to you anon#im a bit misty eyed about work rn tbh#ive resigned and im gonna miss the fun of it very much#the ugandan guy i mentioned cried when i told him 😭 i love him so much#we're going to the pub after work next week and he was like “i will be there. dont worry i will be there! i will not miss it!” hes so lovely#he told everyone lol i didnt even have to spread the news myself#he told a resident who repeats everything mindlessly so like actually everyone knows ive quit#the resident told the electricians who were in and they asked me about my new job in the break room#i was like how the fuck do you know me and that ive quit?? wild#very funny#the girls laughed at me a lot
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the first time I listened to birds of a feather it IMMEDIATELY reminded me of my members (literally my found family) in my dr so I scripted that it’s my song I wrote abt them 🫶
#I also cried quite a bit#maybe more than a bit#elysiaskz#kpop shifting#shifting#shiftblr#reality shifting#skz dr
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Ngl im not really someone who cries much, like I can't, and there is this one song (the underworld, EPIC: the musical) that always makes me sad but I can't cry and it felt shity and then I explained to someone why it was so sad and saying it outloud made me cry and it felt good to finally be able to cry for that song
Umm
You should listen to epic the musical
It's like
25 songs
15 more are on the way
Most of them don't make me cry
The fact that this is the first piece of media too make me cry should tell you a lot about it's quality.
Oh man. I just gave it a listen and holy moly. You’re right, might have to listen to the whole thing! It HIT right in the gut.
#blue babbles#I’ve been listening to hadestown nonstop so it’s funny to switch from one song of a guy trekking into the underworld to another#I get tears in my eyes pretty often but I don’t sob that much! maybe once a few months#my tear ducts are very reactive but the rest of me isn’t… I’ll have a few tears but I’ll be like ‘I’m fine idk why my eyes are still cryin’#sometimes I cry while writing but then I’ll look at it like ‘is this good?? am I just a baby?? will this make people emotional??’#I can force myself to cry pretty easy bc I’m very good at getting in the headspace of a character esp if it’s a sad one#like Lydia for the next CorpseJuice chapter… she cries quite a bit in the first scene and OOF#dehydrated myself trying to figure out what expressions people make while crying#thanks for the rec Raine!!! it looks super rad!! I LOVE Greek mythology#if not obvious by my overabundance of references to it in loopjuice
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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feeling so many thoughts about life series!scott… struggling to articulate. i did just make a massive post about it but i hid it in my drafts bc i am scared…
#ramblings#u can’t talk about cscott in the life series without talking a bit about jimmy and that’s a can of worms#that i am frankly quite scared of digging into#bc my perspective is nuanced and complicated as is their relationship and i am aware that i am biased#bc i watched third life when it came out and cried over flower husbands… You know#and my perspective about mcyt is that you can have thirteen different interpretations of each smp because ‘lore’ is often incongruent and#based entirely on the pov ur watching. So its often pointless to try and have one specific way that you view anything
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they can never make me hate you
(collage by me)
#Y'ALL WILL NEVER MAKE ME HATE HIM#the day i learned that viewers didn't like him i think i cried inside#i'm so mad that he's not in the show anymore#they could also stand to mention him a lot more often#(i'm only on like the second ep of s7 btw and i've been taking a break from it for a bit)#I LOVE HIM SO MUCH#he's my little loser of a man and i'm perfectly fine with that#i miss him every day#i'm also like lowkey in love with him but that's not important rn#i am quite literally peter's biggest defender i have gone on irl tangents in his defense#peter mills#chicago fire#venux's “they can never make me hate you”s
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training to become a mortician at a funeral home in an area i’ve lived in my whole life is both incredibly rewarding and painful.
#i’ve already encountered so many people that i know. some have been family.#i’ve cried quite a bit :)#but it’s really an honor to care for them. so i persist!#personal
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hai o mutual i have come to let you know that i will be getting into one of your interests (cookie run kingdom..) At Some Point Soon [it's been downloaded for weeks and I have yet to touch it] :3
HOLY PEAK GOOOOO ‼️ IT'S A SILLY GAME I HOPE YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF FUN =:]]]c if or when you progress a bit you HAVE to tell me your fav cookies/storylines bc i sure do have a few and i'd love to be autism about it . also ... i think you'll like cream ferret ↓ in particular gigglessss they don't really appear in the main story but they just reminded me of you
#FRIEND TAG BOOM#also if you're on the same server as me we can friend each other or whatever the equivalent is (i forgor quite a bit abt cookierun cries)#i'm on pure vanilla !! i think#anyways YAY
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