#i couldnt do it to those poor actors

[autisticaradiamegido]

day 38

it was 3 hours. i had to lay down immediately.

[mayasdeluca]

I wanted to write this up and send it to you sooner because I wanted to get the wording right and now that the Jay news broke, it kind of aligns with what I had wanted to say.It's never a good look when the lead(s) of a show get ignored for more fan favorite people especially at conventions. No fault to the actors, it's just who the fans gravitate toward.

I remember when Wynonna Earp was at their first SDCC I think, almost every question from the audience was for Kat. Obviously frustrating to the others on the panel (again not Kat's fault) to where Shamier (I think) joked that he could leave. But I think Mel felt more slighted as she was the lead of the show and might have resented Kat early on (all water under the bridge now). And you even see how Mel didn't participate in those early Earp cons probably because of being an after thought to fans. I mean even now, since the cons seem to lean toward the queer community, the male cast members like Tim, Varun, and Greg are treated like they don't matter and it annoys me so much the way some fans disrespect them.

I see it happening similarly with these Station 19 cons. They saw the pull of Danielle and Stefania (similar to Dom and Kat) and booked them as the con headliners, but then had random additions like Grey and Alberto and Brett. Why not Jaina or Jason the supposed leads of the show? Possibly because there is some "resentment" (for lack of a better word) to the Marina popularity overshadowing the show as a whole. Granted these are European cons so they tend to be a little different but Jaina and Jason and Jay are doing Epic cons so they're not opposed to the whole con scene like say Barrett but maybe they just didn't want to deal with being an afterthought among the predominately Marina/queer fans that show up to these cons. And I'm not including whatever BTS drama has happened or like I mentioned above it is not the actors fault that people gravitate toward them but it could be off putting in any profession when someone gets love and praise and you have to be like um, I was there too. (Which is why I also think the Marina Spinoff hashtag is kind of in poor taste but that's a discussion for another thread).

As for Jay, I was actually surprised when he was announced for the UK con since no one else from the current cast except Grey (who marches to the beat of his own drum) ever went to a con. They kept teasing another guest was going to be announced and I am very curious of who that would have been; I doubt it was Alex all along. They probably invited him cause he was cheap and it made sense since he was part of Jake and Jaicy's intern class and they made a point to add he was part of the queer community.

Anyway back to Jay, unless the mystery guest was Lachlan or Jaina or someone else at 19, it didn't make sense pairing Jay with Jake and Jaicy for Friday as they never worked together. Which is probably why his sales suffered and in turn they couldnt afford to bring him. I feel like some of these cons see the popularity in guests going to other cons but don't actually know the show(s) to know who to put together. I mean for all the BTS drama the cast seem to stick together, if they dicked Jay over like this, do they really think they'll have a chance to get him (or others for that matter) for their 2.0 version they're already planning. And that might even include Stefania saying no even though she had a good time this year.

I have rambled on this enough but my final thought is that we know the fans can be extreme but they really do border on disrespectful when they make it all about Danielle and Stefania or Marina (which granted they were the main couple of the show) and disregard anyone else which even may have been the cause of some of that BTS drama which would be petty but these are actors who need their who's stroked constantly LOL.

I totally see what you're saying with this and have seen it happening with both fandoms you mentioned considering I was in both but I think it's partly unfair to put all the blame on the fans for doing this for a few reasons.

I think the reason that fans of a wlw ship end up getting so invested in a show because of the ship is due to the extreme lack of representation on tv to begin with so we are literally grasping at straws to find any and every kind of representation and sinking into it in every way possible. Of course there should be limits to this when it ends up being invasive to the actresses and boundaries are being crossed but from a strictly on screen perspective, while it may be unfair to said main actress/character who isn't part of the wlw ship that people are watching for, it also isn't fair or right that our community is barely shown on television while you can turn on any channel and any show at any given moment and see a female lead and male lead who inevitably end up getting together at some point in time.

And from a con standpoint specifically, I even saw people start to say after the Jay situation that this should be a reason that people start to buy other guests extras and not just Danielle and Stefania's...but who is someone to say how someone else should spend their money? And I know that there are now a lot of con 'regulars' (I really cringe saying that but don't know how else to describe it) who make it a habit of going at least every year so clearly they are financially able to do so and maybe could buy other guests things to make sure they are able to stay a guest but also if someone is going just to meet the actresses of the ship they like, that should also be okay. It's not really the fan's responsibility to make sure the actor is represented and situated for a con once a con decides to invite them.

Yes it's awkward and uncomfortable when it's not the 'main' who is the favorite or if it's very obvious that there's certain cast members who are more popular than others but I'm not sure how you fix or change that. I also think a lot of is has to do with fan interaction and how interaction the actors are with their own fans. Just as an example, how much of the Station 19 cast really interacted with the fans to build up a connection with them? And I know they can now say they wanted to stay away from the drama and everything but what about before Marina was even a thing? Live tweeting and posting BTS and all that standard promo stuff really goes a long way with people (we've seen it with the Earp cast). But yeah I don't really think there's a real good solution to making it work for everyone.

[strade-fuckers-anonymous]

"If I'm the devil, then why are you here?"

Strade had been called many names before. In fact it wasn't even his first time being called Satan or Lucifer or the Devil. But this was different. This whimpering dog, chained in his basement for nearly 4 days now, he said it like a confession.

The boy cried and turned his head away, shrinking back into himself and away from Strade. Frustrated with is incompliance, Strade reached out a firm hand, grabbing Bailey's chin and sharply turning his head back to face him.

"Confess to me. What did you do to be sent to the devil?"

"I-" Bailey's shaking voice stumbled from his chapped lips, "I didn't mean to." His ears pinned back, blending into the tangled, knotted mess of hair on his head.

"Didn't mean to do what?" Strade implored, a growing sense of intrigue and excitement laced in his sweet, sing-song voice.

"I just wanted her to get away from me, I swear!" Large tears rolled down Bailey's cheeks as he choked on sobs that rocked his chest. "She was yelling at me and I just- I just meant to push her! I didn't mean to! I swear I didn't mean to hurt her like that!" Bailey stumbled over his words as he confessed his darkest sin to the devil holding his face.

"Oooh," the demon crooned, "but it still happened! Even if you didn't mean to." His tone held a sickening sweetness, his grip still firm as his hand was wet by tears. "Now say it out loud to me. Say exactly what you did to her."

Bailey whimpered louder than ever, a true canine whimper that touched back to the bestial part of himself. "I-" his voice wavered, unsteady and unsure of itself. "I-" he tried again, and failed to speak those rotten words.

"Be a good boy for me, Bailey." Strade's hands no longer held a harsh grip, but instead a soothing touch on the cheek, gently raising Bailey's face. "I, what? Say it. Confess to me, and you will be absolved."

Strade's fierce orange eyes bore deeply into Bailey's soul, and the boy had to close his eyes to distance himself from their intimidating gaze. Strade's hands, though rough and worked, now gave a gentle touch, softly and sweetly coaxing the confession from him.

"I-" Bailey began again, his hazey mind feeling all too entranced by the combination of fear and pain from his many days chained up. "I killed her." His voice was a whisper, as if saying the words were killing his mother a second time. They burned his tongue, and made him taste bile in the back of his throat. "I killed my mother!" Bailey yipped, his composure shattering as he thrashed and kicked his way out of Strade's grasp.

Strade backed up, leaning on the counter behind him as he watched all of Bailey unfold before him.

Years worth of suppression all spilled over all at once. He keened and cried and even howled at certain points, barking and coughing as he writhed on the ground. He was mourning the death of his mother, and the death of his own self as he cried and screamed into the ground.

Strade watched in astonishment. He almost couldnt believe someone as soft and weak as Bailey was, or perhaps made himself out to be, could kill anyone, even when pushed to the brink. But no person, no matter how good an actor they may be, could replicate the true soul baring intensity of the scene which played out at his feet. The poor thing, he needed guidance. He needed to be un-trained from his domestication, and taught how to be a good little hound dog. Strade let the display continue until Bailey was nothing more than a shivering, whimpering mess, broken from his bindings and curled in a ball on the concrete floor.

"There, there." Strade cooed softly as he got back down on his knees and pulled the boy up to a sittibg position. "You'll feel better now that you've confessed. As I promised, you are absolved." Strade gently pushed Bailey's dirty bangs away from his face. "The devil punishes sinners, Bailey. You're not a sinner anymore."

The words were more comforting than Strade knew, and Bailey fell into his chest, rubbing his wet face into Strade's forest green shirt.

"You'll be good for me from now on, won't you?" Strade asked calmly, gently, feeling the tickle of Bailey's ears against his cheek.

"Yes." Bailey responded in a broken voice. "I promise."

[radicalposture]

watching titanic bc i’ve never seen it and james cameron irritates me so here’s my thoughts so far

james cameron can certainly make films about things but not about people like. the opening sequence is genuinely beautiful like wow that is the real titanic and those are the real chandeliers and piano and it looks like the ghost of a ship and how can a machine made by the hand of man have a ghost? does a ship have a soul that lives on after death? i was so genuinely moved

the sequences of the ship in action are also genuinely moving like the shovelling of the coal and the boilers and the pistons and the propellers and the hundreds of people and hundreds of tons of machinery o the mighty works of the hands of man! the accomplishments of the human race and the attendant hubris and folly! like he truly made me see that and feel that so well done

but the whole story of jack and rose is so baddddd like it is entry level historical romance novel stuff. absolutely dire. ahistorical and stilted. juvenile analysis of class and gender. boring!

whyyyy have the old lady regaling these poor salvage guys with her erotic adventures leave them alone they don’t want to know!!!!

do NOT like the oirish stereotyping however classy or well intended like. all that research and he couldnt get his english actor to do a belfast accent because for all he knew all irishmen have the exact same accent. some daecent tunes in there all the same even if the composer is clearly trying to pass it off as his own work. i know rakish paddy when i hear it fella

also. and bear with me for a moment. “we’re americans we don’t have lice” as opposed to all the dirty irish peasants who do i suppose?

also her fiancé is sooooo cartoonishly evil it’s like stupid lol. and his diamond isn’t even that impressive

anyway this ship is about to sink lol i will check in later

[loyalestmunch]

11.19.23

actually the loneliest ive ever felt. i dont have a best friend. the two friends that i do have both have boyfriends n are preoccupied with them. im always in my room. im always in my four walls. i dont have a life outside of here. and i hate it so much.

i dont have someone i can spontaneously visit whenever i want anymore. i dont have a safe person that will always make time for me. if im sad, i dont have someone to go to. and it fuckiing sucks.

what sucks even more is when i sleep until 5 pm and check my phone to zero notifications. ts makes me go right the fuck back to sleep

i made an editing acc on tt. its cool its got like 70 smth followers so far. i really fucking hope i can make friends on there. but like. everyone in the editing community is like. 15 or 16. it just sux i used to edit at those ages too but now here i am at 18 (almost 19!) crawling back to the editing community to maybe find even a small glimpse of the happiness it gave me when i was younger. but nothing beat the feeling of dreaming of an edit in ur head all day.... waiting till school got out... running (literally) home to whip ts up on video star before i forgot it and then uploaded it and shared it amongst my little editing friends. and then i'd stay up late until 2 am or so watching and saving other edits i thought were cool. even in quarantine, i found joy in editing. november 2020 was actually the worst year of my life but also the best i miss it so much i miss the plethora of friends i used to have fuck. i miss playing identity v otp all night long with ray, i miss playing genshin in vc and doing stupid shit and farming for artifacts for hours on end with jazzy and tason and ray and gabby. my poor ipad wld overheat and my fingerprints would burn from dragging them across the hot screen but i didnt care . it was fun.

edit im not done i have more things i want to reminisce about .

ive been rewatching rick and morty and keeping up with the new seasons in the same sense that i watched it in middle school and now im crawling back to see if it brings me the same joy. and it does !. for the most part. but since justin got fired rip there's new voice actors. and it's fine honestly i dont care that much im still gna watch it but i hate how everythings changing. 13 year old me cldnt begin to fathom rick and morty losing (one of its) most renowned creator(s). like fuck. he voiced RICK AND MORTY. BOTH. like holy fuck. but its fine i guess the writings still kinda the same and the show is funny and makes me happy. i wish i had someone i cld take with me everywhere like my own little morty . i need friends.

i also miss the essence of boxed fettuchine(???) alfredo while watching r/m or camp camp at gammys house. ts was fire

i miss the roblox theme park tycoon and the chocolate cake we made that day and ate. it was so good.

i miss the lego game my cousin and i wld play. we didnt even do anything my mind just couldnt believe an open map game i haad so much fun just walking around and looking and doing absolutely nothing. and eating reheated pizzahut. and mcdonalds cookies. and funfetti boxed cake.

i miss when i had my phone taken when mom and i stayed at gammys when parents almst got divorced and i used her old iphone 5 she forgot she gave me and i had my little fandom acc on insta with my little mooties and friends and the warmth of gammys house in november fuck i miss it all i miss growing up so much i hate being an adult. i cant fucking have fun sober i dont have friends im alone nearly every single day i dont have friends in college i dont ta\lk to anyone i fucking just show up and leave without removing my earbuds.

and i know its my fsult. i know im the reason why i dont have friends. im the only reason why im like this. i only do it to myself.

im so alone and i just keep fucking regressing to find happiness because there's none here in present day thats for sure !

[unfinshedsentec]

I’m not sure if you’re still taking Halloween requests but can you please write a Baji, chifuyu, and (if you write for him) Ryusei x reader haunted maze with prompts 5 and 11

Thank you so much!

hey love! Thanks for requesting! It’s a little short and I just COULDNT fit in the quote for the life of me, but I really wanted to do this sooo (Hanma was added in as a bonus).

I also needed chifuyu after the new chapter…

Hope you enjoy <33

GOING TO A HAUNTED MAZE W/ THEM

reader is gender neutral!

characters: baji, chifuyu, Hanma, and ryusei

tw: cursing

BAJI

Now, I’m not gonna lie, Baji acts like he’s a tough guy. And he is…just not in the way you’d imagine.

Like in the haunted house, Baji most definitely resorts to violence immediately in a maze too. Someone jumps at him, scares him, he punches them, and they get knocked out. The only person he doesn’t do that with is the chainsaw person.

He knows damn well he can’t beat a chainsaw.

Unfortunately, 99.999% he gets kicked out of maze. He always curses out the security guards and the actors along the way saying, “they made it too scary”. It’s funny really. And at this point you’ve gotten used to the whole mess. You both have been kicked out of mazes multiple times. The security guards even know your name because of it!

The only maze that you haven’t gotten kicked out of was the first one where the actors were allowed to touch you. Did Baji knock every single actor who touched him? Yes. But did they have it coming? Also, yes.

The problem with that maze was the fact you guys got super lost…and I mean SUPER lost.

In the other mazes, you’re always being escorted out. But with that one, you weren’t and of course you got lost. After all, Baji isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and that maze was such a mess that you got lost in an instant. Baji punching actors left and right, and you constantly making wrong turns and finding dead ends, things just got terrible.

Eventually, you both got so lost that even Baji was loosing his shit.

You ended up needing to get rescued, which, by the way, was just embarrassing. The walk of shame out of there was horrible for both you and Baji. Neither of you ever lived that down.

Needless to say, you didn’t go back to that haunted maze. Any other haunted maze though, is fine.

You’ll get kicked out anyway!

 RYUSEI

Ryusei is honestly the best, yet worst person to go to a haunted maze.

The guy gets a kick out of these things. Any scary movie, scary house, scary maze, is just a fun thing for him! He laughs whenever the actors jump at them and pats them on the back like a friend would. The few actors who actually made him flinch got some money from him, legit. That rarely happens though.

Yeah, he’s definitely a crazy guy. Even in the mazes where people can touch you, he just does his signature laugh and continues. It’s honestly interesting.

The bad part about being in a maze with him is how he makes fun of you.

He absolutely will taunt the shit out of you. Every little jump you make, he’s pointing it out and laughing at you. He always has this wide smirk and just laughs at you, picking apart every little moment.  Hell, he’s definitely snuck his phone in and taken videos of your worst moments. He’s got them in a black mail folder.

It’s truly horrifying, especially when he points out the genuinely embarrassing things. He will never let you live down any of those things.

On the bright side, Ryusei will happily go first in the maze. And he’ll let you cling onto him (with some grief, of course). Sometimes he even scares off the actors with his laughs. Of course, he somehow has a great sense of direction and can guide you out of the maze in like a half-hour.

It’s impressive if anything.

Overall, going to a haunted house with Ryusei is hell. But hey at least he has fun!

  CHIFUYU

Poor Chifuyu. He’s just a scaredy cat.  He can’t handle any of this stuff.

Now, don’t get me wrong. He definitely tries to act like he’s tough. He always tells you beforehand that he will “protect you” and that “you can cling onto him.” He even offers to go first, just so he can “protect you”.

Yeah, that definitely didn’t happen. If anything, the opposite did.

Seriously. At the first jump scare, Chifuyu was screaming like a little girl and trying to get as far away from the actor as possible. He immediately hid behind you and used you as a shield. He even went as far as shoving his in front of you.

That was pretty much what the rest of that maze was like.

If someone was chasing after him, he’d run in front and shove you behind him. If an actor jump scared him, he quivered behind you and made sure to shove you in front. He ended up shoving his face in your shoulder for most of the maze, so he barely even saw the jump scares.

Yeah, he’s a wuss.

By the end of the maze, he was pretty much clinging onto you like the world depended on it. Even after you got guided out of the maze, he would not let you go. He pretty much clung to you until the next day, where he finally relaxed.

It was truly traumatizing for him…so maybe don’t go to a haunted maze with him again. He might just shit himself if he goes again.

 HANMA

We all know how Hanma is. In any other situation, he’s a batshit crazy guy who’s into all the creepy stuff. If anything, he’s IS the creepy stuff. And he, of course, is that same crazy, creepy guy in haunted mazes.

He has never once even FLINCHED in a haunted maze. Not when someone has jumped right in his face, not someone has chased him, not when someone literally GRABS him. He just laughs and then taunts the hell out of the actor.

The poor actors honestly. The guy will literally bend down, grin right in their face, and then absolutely rip them apart. He’ll call them weak, start ripping apart their appearance, their jobs, their lives. He’ll literally ruin them in anyways possible. You’ve seen a couple actors cry from it. It’s honestly sad.

Even worse, he scared the people around him too…kids included.

Of course, Hanma just carries on like nothing happened, and laughs it off. He really does just get a kick out of it. He is a freaky guy.

Your time in the maze, naturally, gets ruined from Hanma’s antics, which you expect. But at least you have the actual maze to look forward too, right? Nope. Hanma is so tall he can just peak over the maze and see where to go.

What can I say, the guy is a giraffe.

Overall, don’t take Hanma to the haunted maze. The guy will probably make a child cry…again.

masterlist || reblogs are very appreciated <33

[roughentumble]

I would like to hear.. your silence of the lambs series opinions......

series as in, the new clarice tv show that's out? haven't watched it yet. series as in, those old movies that feature anthony hopkins as hannibal lecter? surely!

fair warning, i probably dont have anything new to say that hasnt been said before, considering these are all long since classics, and my thoughts might be a little disjointed.

it's difficult to sum up opinions about it on the whole, since the movie quality honestly varies so wildly, and as i recall basically every single movie had a different director lol. also like, there's definitely a reason silence of the lambs stood out as The hannibal movie that got talked about and went into The Annals Of Film History n' all that. there's something about jodie foster's performance that's particularly electric(though that could be nostalgia talking, i suppose)

the opportunities she had, as an actress, to really show emotion on her face, like the claustrophobic close-ups we got were really intimate and interesting, added to the sense we were getting into her head. that HANNIBAL was getting into her head. i've already used the word intimate, but really, the long drawn out conversations/monologues between her and hannibal are just that-- intimate. you have to have stellar performances to pull off that much dialogue, and shots that intensely focused, where a face takes up so much of the screen. but it works! because hopkins and foster are fantastic actors, and jonathen demme is a good director.

there's a reason a lot of people didn't like the switch to julianne moore, and i would say it isnt entirely moore's fault. ridley scott, for one, is simply a different director with different ideas of shot composition, which changes how the character feels pretty drastically when the style so heavily informed your feelings for her. but also, in general, the film just kind of approaches clarice from a different angle, which is pretty bumpy territory to go into on the tail of switching your lead actress. not only is moore just really different from foster, but we've gone from this kind of invasive intimacy with hannibal probing her in confined spaces, to her being on the chase. in particular what sticks out to me is a chase sequence where she's trying to find hannibal in a crowded mall.(i think it was a mall?? its been a minute since i last watched the film haha) despite how the crowd might lead to a sense of claustrophobia, these are wide open shots with lots of spinning and movement, no time for introspective face journies. it's a chase in a totally different sense than before, and that i think is major difference in tone. which isn't to say it's a bad choice, or a loss, or that it's worse, just that it's fundamentally very different material that moore was given fo work with. of course her performance differed from fosters!

i still think jodie foster did it better, but some folks were too hard on julianne moore. if anything, hold beef with the writers and new director for pivoting tonally(although, dont do that either, i think it was an interesting shift. the scene with her and hannibal, where hannibal fries up that dude's brain was SO GOOD, i loved loved loved the return to a twisted sense of intimacy for that scene, and a few others, and that sense of return wouldn't have hit the same were the whole movie to follow the same tone as demme's work.)

also quick sidebar, when i watched hannibal(the movie from 2001) i was BLOWN AWAY by realizing, in retrospect, just how absolutely perfectly micheal pitt nailed the role of mason verger in hannibal(the tv show). vocally, he sounded almost identicle to the og performance, WHAT!!! major props, i love micheal pitt. so cool

manhunter 1987 or whatever year it came out is garbage and we dont talk about it. it was physically painful to watch. my poor mother made us stop watching hannibal movies for the rest of the day because it literally put her in physical pain. it's so 80s i want to vomit. do not recommend.

red dragon was pretty good, and if you entered the series of films armed only with knowledge of hannibal nbc, gave some really fascinating context to some of the events therein. edward norton's performance was fine-- didn't blow my mind, but i do love to watch him on screen. anthony hopkins' portrayal of a free hannibal, on the run, who still can't help but taunt the police and stick his nose into investigations was shockingly compelling, despite how much of a cliche trope that's become in recent years. can't say i recall anything interesting to say about the directing, but it certainly doesnt hold the same intimacy of the previous films-- but then again, we've lost the intimate character of clarice, swapping her out for graham(who simply isnt as close, or interesting, or compelling, when he isnt on nbc and shaking like a wet chihuahua)

hannibal rising, the last film in the series, was very very very bad. BUT, unlike manhunter 198whatever, it managed to be fun about it! lots of very goofy deaths and things to make you roll your eyes, stupid character motivations and odd acting choices. but it seems aware, on some level, that it's the last and the silliest of the entries into this particular film series, which earns it some good will. whether or not its worth a watch comes down to how much you're willing to consume everything with the name hannibal on it, and whether you can abide by a hannibal that isnt played by sir anthony hopkins.

OK. ok. we're getting to the end of my thoughts here, kids. i prommy.

it's also, despite every single part of it that i enjoy and that brings me joy, almost unforgivably racist and transphobic. the weird exotification and obsession with asia(and japan in particular), especially when none of those elements felt important or relevant to the story was consistently shocking, and consistently present in essentially every single hannibal movie, ESPECIALLY ones that dealt with his childhood. it didn't ever feel like a natural part of the story, where they happened include people from another culture or anything, it felt like the author's fetish. i never truly understood how these reoccuring themes and symbols were meant to tie in with the rest of the story, even after an entire film set in the past, showiing hannibal's childhood and how he came to live with a japanese woman. it was weird! it was uncomfortable! it was bad! even hannibal nbc couldnt make it not weird. i'd love a hannibal movie with a japanese person in it who WASNT treated really, really, really weird. but i dont think i will ever get that.

and like. wrt transphobia-- do i even need to say it? buffalo bill's been talked to death. we all know the issue there.

if a japanese person, or a trans woman, came to me and said "shawn, everyone says its a classic, but i cant bring myself to watch [insert hannibal movie here]" i would not blame them. it isnt the whole movie, but its enough to feel real bad, scoob.

its not enough to make me fall out of love with silence of the lambs, or hate hannibal(the film, god thats a confusing name), or even hate the film series, but its something that deserves tl be talked about. i've heard lots of discussion on the transphobia, but basically none on the racism, which is a real shame. sometimes it feels like no one else even noticed it, and it really leaves me floundering, because its like-- its RIGHT THERE and its so weird and bad. thomas harris, what the fuck

OKAY I THINK THATS ALL MY THOUGHTS FOR NOW?????? i could maybe come up with more, *shrugs*, but i'd need more time at least.

summary:: very problematic, and not because he eats people. but overall some of the films are fantastic, and silence of the lambs does hold a special place in my heart. and even if i didnt like it nearly as much, i'll defend hannibal(the film with julianne moore) till im blue in the face, because even if it didnt quite capture lightening in a bottle it still brought some interesting things to the table. decent enough movie series with enough variation in film tone and quality to make watching them all in a row enjoyable, because it keeps things from getting stale. (could probably have done with SOME consistency tho, lol, they were really flying by the seat of their pants. they had hopkins and that was IT, only thing that carried over from production to production lol)

[annymousstranger17]

Very Berry Legacy Challenge

toFor some of these rules in this challenge only has packs that I have, but I will put an optional for different paths for each gen. You can make your sims berry sims if you want. And if you play this challenge please use the hashtag #veryberrychallenge in the sims 4 gallery

Rules

Do not Cheat unless stated otherwise

You may use cc and mods 

And please enjoy

Gen 1: Purple: You started off poor with zero simoleons, but the only thing you have is your computer to write stories. You loved writing stories as a child because where you lived as a child was terrible so you made up stories to get your mind off of your real life. You want a big happy home for you family.

Aspiration: Best Selling Author

Traits: Bookworm, Family-Orientated, Creative

Career: Work at Home writer

-If you have Cats and Dogs own two cats one male and one female

-Complete Aspiration

-Master Writing, Gardening, and if you have Parenthood master the parenting skills

-Spouse must me Yellow

-Have at least 2 children

Gen 2: Yellow: While your parent was an writer. You dreamed of being an amazing detective because when you were reading your parents mysterious novel your favorite character in that novel was the detective. So when you grew up you decided to become a detective. When you started your first day of your you saw the love of your life and that was the chief of the Police Department.

Aspiration: Soulmate

Traits: Self-Assured, Romantic, Hot-Headed

Career: Detective

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master Charisma and Fitness skills

-Fall in love with chief and marry chief

-Spouse must be Pale-Green

-Have one child

Gen 3: Pale-Green: Your parents was detectives and they wanted you to be a detective, but you did not want to be an detective you wanted to be the opposite of an detective. You wanted to be an criminal. You loved being evil. You hated everyone in the world or so you thought. When you met your true love you were happy for once. 

Aspiration: Public Enemy

Traits: Evil, Mean, Ambitious

Career: Criminal

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master Mischief, Logic (If you have Nifty Knitting) Knitting skills\

-Have a bad relationship with both of your parents

-Spouse must be Pink

-Have twins (you may cheat for this)

Gen 4:Pink: When you discovers you parent was an criminal you decided to move to your great grandparents house as a teen. You were scared of your parent. When you moved back to your great-grandparents house you saw books everywhere. You were inspired by your great-grandparent who wrote all of those books and made enough money. So by your great-grandparent inspiration you decided you wanted to open an bakery and be the owner of the bakery.

Aspiration: Fabulously Wealthy

Traits: Foodie, Materialistic, Loner (if you have Strangerville have the paranoid trait)

Career: Bakery Owner

-Complete Aspiration

-Have an successful bakery

-Have a bad relationship with previous gen heir

-Meet your spouse at your bakery

-Spouse must be Pale-Blue

-Master Baking, Cooking Gourmet Cooking, (if you have Eco LIfestyle) Juice Fizzing skill

Gen 5: Pale-Blue: While your parent was working at their bakery you decided to look up a book about Vampires and you were intrigued. After reading that book about Vampires you decided when you became an Young Adult to find the mysterious town of Forgotten Hollow and met you rich vampire lover there.

Aspiration: Master Vampire

Traits: Snob,Genius, Erratic

Career: No Career

-Complete Aspiration

-Read all of the Vampire Tomes

-When an YA move to Forgotten Hollow

-Marry an rich vampire and become a vampire

-Spouse must be Peach

-Master Vampire Lore and Pipe Organ skills

Gen 6: Peach: You were a vampire but you hated it. So you decided to read the all of the Vampire Tomes to see if you can find a cure because you know your parent would not tell you the cure to vampirism. So when you found the cure and made the drink you became human and you decided to become a mixologist.

Aspiration:  Master Mixologist

Traits: Glutton, Vegetarian, Self-Assured

Career: Mixologist

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master mixology, fishing, Vampire Lore (if you have Spa Day) Wellness skills

-Hate being a vampire

-Find and make the cure to vampirism

-Spouse must be Orange

-Have triplets (you may cheat for this)

Gen 7: Orange: When you were child you loved writing stories like your great-great-great-great grandparent did. So you decided when you become a Young Adult to open your own bookstore. When you became an Young Adult you learned that your great-grandparent used to won an bakery so you decided to close the bakery and open it as an bookstore.

Aspiration: Successful Lineage

Traits: Unflirty, Clumsy, Squeamish (if you have Cats and Dogs have the Dog Lover trait)

Career: Own a Bookstore

-Have an successful bookstore

-Reopen the bakery but change it to a book store

-If you have Cats and Dogs own two dogs one of each gender and have them have 2 puppies

-Have your future spouse be a customer at the bookstore

-Have two good friends and 4 enemies

-Spouse must be Red

-Master Writing, Parenting, (If you have Cats and Dogs) and Pet Training skills

Gen 8: Red: While your parent was a successful bookstore owner. You love working. You decided as an Young Adult to move to San Myshuno because you heard a rumor that in San Myshuno there was an job opening. You fell in love with your co-worker.

Aspiration: Bodybuilder

Traits: Active, Kleptomaniac, Neat

Career: Athlete

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master Fitness, Handiness, Comedy, (If you have Bowling Night Stuff Pack) and Bowling skills

-Live in San Myshuno all of your life

-Fall in love with co-worker

-Spouse must be Teal

There is two options for next gen.

Gen 9: Teal: You loved acting and living on the beach so you decided to do both. You lived in Sulani when you became an Young Adult and you decide you wanted to become the best actor/actress that their ever was.

Aspiration: Master Actor/Actress

Traits: Self-Absorbed, Child of the Islands, Perfectionist

Career: Actor/Actress

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master Acting, Singing, and dancing skills

-Move to Sulani as an young adult

-Fall in love with a mermaid

-Spouse must be White

-Have at the maximum 5 children

                                                            OR

Gen 9: Teal: You loved computers as a child so you decided as an young adult you want to be a tech guru and you achieve that goal. You were the smartest one in your class. When you moved out of your child home you werent ready for the real world at all.

Aspiration: Computer Whiz

Traits : Geek, Outgoing, Slob

Career: Tech Guru

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master video gaming, programming, and logic skills

-Have 10 enemies 

-Befriend 4 of your enemies

-Spouse must be White

-Have Spouse protect you

-Have at the maximum 5 children

Gen 10: White: Your parent had a tough life so you decided to wanted to stay with them until they die. You wanted to become a successful business man/woman. But you couldnt leave your parent alone when you went to work so you decided to apply for business after your parent dies.

Aspiration: Big Happy Gamily

Traits: Family-Orientated, Erratic, Gloomy

Career: Business

-Complete Aspiration

-Complete Career

-Master parenting, photography, and charisma skills

-Go into the business career after previous gen heir dies

-Live with previous gen heir till they die

-Spouse can be any color doesnt matter

You finished it. Yeahhhhhh ;)

[tvdversefanfiction]

Since i have done this 30day challenge on two of my other pages it was about time I did it for this page, starting firstly with The Vampire Diaries, The Originals and Legacies will soon follow I promise.

So if you do not already no I have zero chill and zero patience so instead of 30 days I just do it all in one go 😂 feel free to sound off in the comments with your opinions, open to reading others' opinions and share in the love for this fandom 💖

1 - Klaus Mikaelson 💖 my king, my heart, the unrequited love of my life (fictional ofcourse)

2 - (in order) Caroline Forbes 👑 Rebekah Mikaelson 👑 Katherine Pierce 👑

3 - Klaroline, always and forever 😍

4 - Bamon or Stexi 🤔 although Stexi was definitely a more loyal friendship and I didnt want them together as a couple like I did Bamon

5 - Claire Holt, Love her to pieces, love her interviews and her post and pre TVD and TO work as an actress.

6 - Joseph Morgan, my husband in my fantasies only 💖 fantastic actor who I cannot wait to see what he does next 😍

7 - Daniel Gillies and Paul Wesley, their bromance is both adorable, authentic and slightly homoerotic 🙊😈

8 - Bamon or Elenijah, Bamon id have legit loved to see as endgame over Delena anyday and Elenijah I'd have love to have seen explored at least.

9 - Although neither the originals or Katherine were in every episode they were far from secondary in my mind, so in terms of secondary I'd say Lexi for sure.

10 - 2 and/or 3, most of the originals arc and Katherine stuff was peak TVD for me.

11 - The 100th episode for so many reasons, the nostalgic lookback at previous characters, Klaroline finally getting it on, a Mebekah reunion and lots of Katherine 👑

12 - He is your first love, I intend to be your last 💖 Klaroline was all kinds of epic and how poetic is it that she wound up being his last love💔

13 - Caroline singing at her mothers funeral 💔

14 - Elena, I know she went through alot but who didn't in the TVDverse, she was the victim and stayed within that role from beginning to end and god was she depressing to watch. She was also largely hypocritical with her judgements over things she too was guilty off 🙄 the fact I loathe her and love Katherine shows the incredible acting range of Nina Dobrev though 💖

15 - Stefan, he is like Angel with the Angelus edge, id say the male elena but that would be harsh as he didnt piss me off nearly as much 😂 he was alright I suppose I just didnt care for him that much, if he died early I'd have been like meh! I couldnt buy evil stefan either instead it made me cringe which is weird because Paul Wesley plays unhinged so well in Tell me a story...oh and also Stefan killed Enzo, not once but twice and he can only blame the humanity switch for one of those kills 😡

16 - i did ship Delena till they got together and lost all their magic, i never shipped Stelena but they did suit each other better than Delena or the very ill advised Steroline which should have stayed a friendship! Bonnie and Jeremy made absolute no sense and had zero chemistry so on those grounds id say those two or Steroline, Steroline itches me up the wrong way the most tbf.

17 - Elena and Caroline, Caroline was the better friend hands down for both Bonnie and Elena but Elena always seemed harsher to Caroline and yet couldnt handle it when Caroline gave her tough love back especially over Delena which tbh Caroline was right....IMO anyways.

18 - I cannot say Candice, Nina, Kat or Claire are anything but amazing actresses so I would never say any of them...maybe the actress who played Liv Parker, she was always kind of one note to me although not terrible but nowhere near as good as the others....I could probably later think of someone else but for now I'll go with her.

19 - Zach Roerig, a typical answer from fans I've noticed but he was just so blah for 8 full seasons I totally get why Im not alone here...also so far him and Steven McQueen are the only ones from TVD to appear in Legacies...Jeremy's cameo i didnt mind, Matts however...like when is he going to die and stay dead already? Sorry matt fans 😂

20 - A good chunk of episodes in season 7, didnt like Elena but didn't like TVD without Elena...would've loved the actress to stay on and either play another role or make Katherine come back preferably 🤩

21 - Most of them I started liking then hating, or hating to liking then back to hating 😂 I dont think I hated anyone from beginning then loved them by the end so ill just give a love to hate, Alaric...I liked him in early seasons but thought he came to a natural end when he died...from 6 onwards after he came back he lost any appeal and felt like he was just there to have another dead ex, then to cockblock Steroline which tbf was a good deed but still didnt revive him 🤣 and I full out despise him in Legacies but I'll dig deeper into that come a Legacies themed version of this challenge 😂

22 - Damon wins hands down here, loved him in the pilot, love turned to like as the show went on and then Delena happened and completely destroyed his chracter, Bamon gave him a much needed revival but Elena soon dragged him down once more...his live for her was obsessive to me, unhealthy and toxic and he couldnt cope without it. BAMON would've fixed all this IMO

23 - Okay stick with me here as this one has multiple answers for me...I'd have rathered Caroline or Bonnie as the main character alongside the salvatores than Elena so thats answer one. Answer two would be I'd have loved Katherine to have been the mainstay doppelganger instead of Elena. Answer three would be more flashbacks of Lexi and her life away from the Salvatores would have been interesting. Last answer, Rebekah should have been in more episodes both on this and TO but I'll probs get more into that when I do TO.

24 - The romances, the vampires, the villains and the aesthetic of Mystic Falls 😍 if you follow my other pages you know obsessed im obsessed with the supernatural genre 🥰

25 - Too much time centred around Delena and Stelena, which I know was the main story of this show their love triangle but it didnt have to be...

26 - Elena daggering Rebekah, my heart broke for Rebekah and hardened towards Elena...her biggest hypocritical move of many too!

27 - Heres one so this post isnt all bashing poor Elena 🤣 i love when Elena and Stefan wind up drinking in that bar together having a good time as friends...honestly wouldnt habe minded more scenes centered on this friendship.

28 - Klaroline getting together in the woods and/or the Klaroline moment in the last episode where he donates money to the boarding school...tbh any Klaroline moment 💖

29 - Liz's death and funeral, my heart breaks for Caroline everytime and Damon too, loved Liz and Damon's friendship 💔

30 - Almost all Lily Salvatore scenes, the worst mother alongside Esther Mikaelson....their deaths make me so happy every single time and I will never apologise for that 🤣

[nathalie-sancoeur-assistant]

This is filled w/ spoilers

So here it is, time for me to pull myself together and post all my thoughts and feelings on the new episode into one big long post. 

So my overall feelings?

I am upset

Not because it was a bad episode- it was amazing, literally so good- nope, it’s because of Nathalie- but I’ll get into that in a moment. I’m gonna put a read-more here cause this is gonna probably be really long- and could very well be a recap of the whole ep with my commentary. 

-----

First off, when Plagg seemed not to like Adrien’s birthday present for Marinette, he seemed so concerned (these screenshots aren’t going to be very good quality because I REALLY don’t feel like going through all the trouble of making them look nice & take hours on one post)

Look at the little bean! SO concerned. It’s perfect Honeybun, she’ll love it. 

Then onto the next scene...

Even during meals, they sit so far away from each other. Why? I’ve often wondered what the point of such a long table with so many chairs could be, especially in a house that’s so big yet so empty. I suppose that it could do well for meetings, but still, this is a family meal, not a company get-together or business meeting with people you have to impress. They have to practically yell at each other to be heard. 

Also, look at this

He basically asked Nathalie for approval. “Should I let him?” “Yes sir, I would.” “Very well, Adrien.”

Also, the fact that Gabriel and Lila have the same meeting place each time. He isn’t just driving by hoping to catch her, they have a time and place set up. And the idea that Marinette is a bad influence? Preposterous! But of course, this is Lila. 

Screw Lila. 

“You work to hard, sir” 

Yes Nathalie, I’m sure you know what working to hard feels like. You’re not exactly relaxing, yourself. 

---

Next scene! 

Ms. Bustier: Marinette, would you bring your school bag to me please, I need to check something

Okay so first off, you’re going off of an anonymous tip that one of your best and most well-behaved students (Aside from being late quite often) is a thief and a cheat? And secondly, you really think that she is SO STUPID that if she had taken them knowingly, she wouldn’t have maybe removed them from her bag? Third, why did Marinette not FIND them in her bag before school started, take them out, and maybe call Alya or something. 

“That’s impossible Marinette, Lila got the worst grade in the class” not impossible if she stole them after the test- also, way to be subtle on grades. I thought teachers were supposed to keep that stuff relatively undercover. 

And Adrien really said “Marinette Rights”

---

So.

There’s no sound of crashing. 

Lila just yells “Ready?” in the most mischievous voice she can

Then she starts screaming

And no one stopped to think “Hey, not only is Marinette really not known to assault people, but we didn’t hear a single thud that would have sounded like someone falling down the stairs preceding her screams.”

“She keeps calling me a liar, getting the others to gang up against me...” SINCE. WHEN?

Also. 

“Oh...I have proof”

How would she have known that the proof was in Marinette’s locker? And again, if she knew, why would she be surprised to find the pendant in Marinette’s locker??

UGH. 

---

Now we get to the part that started lil miss me to get so upset. 

“Are you ready, Nathalie?”

“More than ever.”

She just bounces out from behind him, ready as she’ll ever be. 

Look at her 

Then she goes on to call him the Almighty Scarlet Moth and I just smh 

Awww. She looks like she’s ready to punch those butterflies in the face. You punch those akumas. 

Varity Queen? Princess Justice? Oh yeah. I wanna see those. 

And now to the scene that hurt me

“What’s wrong?!”

“Nothing, everything's fine! Keep going..”

She was so ready to just fall down and choke while he continued his fight and she would have still loved him if he hadn’t stopped to help her

But this seen makes it so clear

he loves her too

Even if it’s just as a friend and assistant, he loves her. And it just...the voice acting, her voice actor was so good, it physically hurts me to watch that scene. 15/10.  

And Tikki yelling at Marinette...well not really yelling...but holy crap, there is a lot riding on this 14 year old girls shoulders when it comes to her own emotions. She’s still learning what some of them are, puberty is far from over with her, so now she just has the added pressure of not being able to feel the natural emotions that occur with hormone fluctuations and righteous anger from being falsely accused without having to be fearful of Hawkmoth’s akuma. 

But on the bright side, Alya FINALLY believes Marinette! She may have her flaws and push Mari a bit to much IMO when it comes to Adrien but hey, when it comes right down to it, she’ll stick it out with her pals. A true friend. 

---

Is that the same doctor we saw at Master Fu’s?

And despite her state, still the only thing she’s thinking about is him, his goals, what he wants- and he’s not even thinking about that right now. 

He looks so distraught too. He needs her. But she’s just so laser focused on one thing that she’s not thinking about the other possibilities. Mark my words, her persistence is what’s going to drive him to stop being Hawkmoth. 

“I don’t care, Gabriel. I want to help you.” I swear, I’m gonna start crying again. She’s telling him how she feels when she says stuff like that! It’s loud and clear. If he hasn’t seen it by now, when it’s more obvious than Marinette could ever hope to be- then literally nothing but her straight up saying the words “I’m in love with you” is gonna make it click. He has to know!

“Not at that cost! Never at that cost again...” then it cuts to his family portrait. 

Why, pray tell, does it cut to his family portrait? Of all things. Why did it cut to anything at all? They didn’t need to go to the trouble of creating a whole new picture to cut to if they didn’t NEED to. It’s saying something. And Im pretty sure that its that he’s not willing to give up Nathalie, not even for Emilie. 

I would also like to point out that in that picture, he is wearing blue- but now, he primarily wears red. What is a combination of blue and red? Purple. The color of Nathalie’s suit. 

Hmm...

Nathalie: Shh

Me: *handing Nooroo pots and pans*

She’s so desperate to help him- and look at how she treats Duusu. She isn’t being cruel. Duusu just told her “No, you should be resting” and she’s just like “Yeah, but what if I didn’t?” not “Don’t tell me what to do!” or any crap like that. Instead she stops and explains herself. And then Duusu...

No, not it’s not romantic. It’s twisted. I love Gabriel and Nathalie as a pair, but this isn’t a romantic gesture. Nathalie is losing herself in her desperation to help him, get the miraculous, end it once and for all, and her desires to please Gabriel even if it means that he’s not going to want her in the end. She is fighting a losing battle, no matter what happens, she’s going to get the short end of the stick- and it just breaks my heart that she is so willing to throw her life away when there are other ways she could be assisting him that don’t include her deteriortating. That’s why I cried so much during this ep- she wants to prove a point by using this miraculous when it isn’t necessary. And that is why I officially HATE seeing Mayura- because each time she transforms she’s one step closer to falling down and not getting back up. 

Also, I thought this scene was super interesting. That’s how she creates a sentimonster? That is so cool. 

Moving on, when Adrien pulls out his phone 

“I am Mayura, and I’m about to annihilate Ladybug, Mwahahaha!” Points for subtlety, Hon. XD

She’s so cute

“I’ve always gone out of my way to hide my true feelings for you but I just can’t do it anymore” possible foreshadowing? Hmmm?? “Your feelings for me haven’t changed and mine are growing stronger every day” I can’t help but think she was speaking from her own heart in some of that. 

And our poor little kitty

So desperate for love, he refuses to believe that

Ladybug wasn’t actually moving on

“She’s so perfect” “I’m nowhere near as perfect as her.”

Also “Senticharm!” *gets big gun blaster thing*

“Lucky Charm!” *gets fork*

Seriously Gabriel and Nathalie belong together at this rate. 

“Nathalie?!”

“Nooroo why didn’t you wake me up?” “I couldnt bring myself to you were sleeping so peacefully” because “Im scared of you and Nathalie told me to Shh” wasn’t the right response. 

She gets tired even when using the miraculous

And she still goes out in the field 

Heeeerrres Hawky!

Legit tho, this is what an anon was talking about earlier from the Gabenath ask meme I did a while back. I said that what I look forin a fanfic would include Hawkmoth needing to save Mayura on the battlefield. And it JUST became canon. Lord have mercy, I think I’ve died XD

Also 

“You’re the real monster!” 

“Oh, that...you’ll find out very soon” He doesn’t even care tho. Like, where’s all his givacraps fly off to? Oh yeah that’s right they’re akumatizing people, they just keep flying away.  

He is huge compared to them. And just going to town trying to whap this 14 year old girl into oblivion. Boy. 

“All I need to do is wait a few minutes until you two turn back into regular kids, so fragile, so easy to break” Absolutely no filter. Do you think that’s going to make you seem less like a villain? We don’t say stuff like that! You can’t just take that back! I swear, if you have a redemption arc it had better be Paarthurnax/Zuko-level convincing because there are very few people willing to forgive you after you say things like that with no remorse. 

“Release her”

You can’t tell me he doesn’t love her- he sucks at it, but he does. Im really hoping he’ll learn from this mistake and never ask her to use the peacock miraculous again- if she uses it, it has to be on her.

“Don’t mind me” Babe if he doesn’t mind you and you’re discovered then it’s just a hop skip and jump from Hawkmoth being Gabriel Agreste, 

He’s carrying her again

Idk if I should focus on how little Nathalie seems to care about how much danger she put herself in or the fact that we have a Gabriel booty close-up

He’s reprimanding her, she starts coughing, her glasses fall off, and he immediately softens up. 

Look at that soft look. And the music that’s playing in the background? It’s so...sad..and enhances the way he’s looking at her. 

And now.....Adrien

As soon as the adults leave, he growls and the music gets more aggressive. Intimidating. 

He is ticked. “Because we’re friends aren’t we?” that was just laced with venom and malice. They say demons run when a good man goes to war. 

Well Adrien’s started packing. Lila better watch her step. 

And in the end, she basically outed herself as a pathological liar. She admitted it, though she likely didn’t word it that way. 

Well, that’s all I have to say. Remember, God made you special and he loves you very much. *veggie tales theme starts playing*

[your-localghost]

so um who wants to read a 50 page essay of me and my mom's journey through the IT movies?

too bad you're reading it

so like i saw this goddamm clown, and i, also being a clown, said to my mom, also a clown, "lets watch this clown movie lol" and she said yes. and in the like first five minutes we are already awwing and stuff because??? omg georgie and bill are so cu- oh. oh my god. oh this us not what we thought at all-

so enter Losers. instant RELATE i am also a LOSER hellO?? hAh look at these 2 idiots theyre bickering like an old couple an- oh my fucking GOD of course there are bullies. one of them looks like draco malfoy??? guYs did draco malfoy play in this movie we see him like 2 times-

oh my god oh no poor bill he is trying to find his brother :( but alsO BEV IS SO PRETTY??? IM SO GAY???? and yeah i really feel the New Kid On The Block like same man i didnt even get to meet a pretty girl and a buncho losers who will go jump into lakes with me

OH and the lake scene? it bites me in the ass later. i fucking passed it off as a "theyre bonding" moment and then it transforms into a feelings plane and crashes into my house

--

me: they just keep leaving their bikes

mom: well It takes kids, not bikes

--

fastforward and??? the fight secene?? the fuckijgn fi Ght SCE ne??? o H M Y GO D

bill was so desperate to find georgie?? richie was so scared he would die??? beN BEING SCARED HIS FRIENDS ARE GONE?

i AM ALL OF THESE FUCKERS

and oh?? bev's dad??? hate the vibe this dude gives to me. like this dude def did more than mentally abuse her and im so glad she beat him up

uhHHH??? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT EDDIE STANDING UP TO HIS FREAKSHOW OF A MOM??? HOW HE WAS SO MAD????? HE THREW HIS PILLS ON THE GROUND HELLO, HE STRAIGHT UP YEETED HIS FANNY PACK??? MAN the things a gay goes through for his friends

bill's speech on georgie, like, dude just fucking stab me it will hurt way less

fastforward more, the oath??? how scared stan was??? like i ddint really feel any connection with stan other than his actor played my fav character, stan, in ianowt, but uHm? i still love him??? so mUCH???

oOOOH i just realied i didnt talk about mikey

ahem

THE ROCK FIGHT THE FUKING ROCK FIGHT THE ROCK FIGHT OH MY GOD

THESE LOSERS ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF THOSE SHITBAGS BUT THEY SEE ANOTHER LOSER AND THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS THROW R O C K LIKE FUCK YEAH YOU FUCNKY LITTLE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS STAND UP FOR YOUR FELLOW BULLIED I LOVE MIKEY SO M7CH OH MY GOD

__

so between the 2 movies we realized it wasnt on netflix and went on various websites to watch the 2nd movie, got progressively angrier until i got my laptop and just watched it blindly because we are both blind

--

okay heres the tea yall

they completely erased bev's character in the 2nd movie. in the first it was emphesized SO MUCH just how brave she was compared to the others. she took the first step, she wasnt afraid to go into the house she fought her abusive dad and in the 2nd movie it was all gone. i really liked the fact that bev wqsnt a damsel in distress until in the 2nd movie she was. while in the 1st movue you forgot that gender roles existed in the 2nd it really seemed like they wrote bev as a "woman" rather than "bev" you dig me??? okay rant over. basically fuck the 2nd movie bev and im not just saying this because her 1st movie actor made me realize i was a lesbian. on to the movie

oh mY GOD HOMOSEXUALS??? WILL THEY HAVE A PART IN THIS STORY OH MY IM SO EX- oh. right. oh hey theres mikey :D

___

me: who's this??

mom: its bill look, its his surname

me:

me: you remember bill's surname but not richie or ben's names?

---

oh theyre all grown up!! oh bevs fighting an abusive man again and uh

___

mom: i have a feeling stans gonna kill himself

me: hah can you imagi

---

STANLEY??? BABEY BOY OH NO???? and also are we gonna let the spider with the baby head thing pass?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DONT REMEMBER ANYTHI-

"this is like a virus its been eating us for 27 years!" YEA MIKEY ITS CALLED PTSD YOU FOUGHT A FUCKING DEMON AND DIDNT SEE A THERAPIST????

also the whole tribe thing seemed really out of story and like it didnt belong there at all? idk maybe its just me but i dont wanna believe that bill's 3rd eye opened after he got drugged by his friend idk

so like hightlights because ive got many rants about the 2nd movie

what the fuck do you mean bev got out of jer specilized hell after ben recited 1 fucking poem are you kidding me are yOU FUCKING KIDDING ARE WE REALLY DOING THE SAVED BY LOVE BULLSHIT AGAIN OH OKAY

OH OKAY FUCK YOU

SO BEV GETS SAVED IN THE FIRST MOVIE AFTER BEN KISSES HER WHEN AT THE TIME HE PRIBABLY THOUGHT LOVE WAS AT ITS PEAK WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR 2ND GRADE CRUSH A BADLY WRITTEN POEM

AND UFKCING HELL IT HAPPENS IN THE 2ND MOVIE TOO??? DOES PENNYWISE JUST THINK "oh these bitches hetero bettet keep them alive" BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WOULD ALL BE OKAY IF

IF

IF EDDIE LIVED TOO

FUCK I RELATE TO RICHIE SO MUCH??? HIS FIGHT WITH HIS PEERS AND HIS FIGHT WITH HIMSELF OVER HIS YEARS LASTING CRUSH ON EDDIE?? OH MY GOD IT WAS SO OBVIOUS THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS GAY AND I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL THE 2ND MOVIE WHEN HE HAS A BREAKDOWN BECAHSE HIS SOULMATE GETS STABBED BY HOMOPHOBIC FORTNITE DANCING CLOWN WHILR HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMA DN THEN FUCKIN G DIES EVEN THOUGHT THESE 2 IDIOTS HAD MORE CHEMISTRY THAN BILL+BEV AND BEN+BEV COMBINED OH MY GOD IM SO MAD THE HETEROS GET TO LIVE BY TRUE LOVE BUT THE GAYS DONT AND UG G H H G G HH "hes dead" NO HE FUCKING IS NOT THIS ISNT FAIR I LOVED EDDIE SO MUCH

well uh now that we got my love for richie on papet um

the lake scene

i cried and i had to watch heteros kiss underwater while wiping my tears. its only cool when percabeth does it guys

the lake scene aside i full on BAWLED LIKE A BABY at the ending because i felt so bad that stan died already and i felt bad that not only was richie facing years if bullying and homophobia anf the loss of his friends it finally is confirmed that richie had a crush on eddie and i

i just cried man? it hurt me so much as it weighed on me how many jokes richie made, how scared he was when he saw the missing paper of himself, his flashbacks to people calling him names, his speech to eddie and that he had to get dragged out because this fucker obviously couldnt let go of his feelings. and between all of that and stan's letter my brain blocks out everything and focuses on one

R + E

oh my god

OH MY GOD NO

NOW i dont really like watching movies. as a writer myself im really critical of everything involving the world building, the characters, the plot and all that jazz and usually the acting is so bad that i dont feel for the characters but THIS ONE. T H I S O N E

my mom turned to me and was SO SHOCKED to see my flat out CRYING because i just dont do that man, and she just asked my what made me cry and i just made a noise like "hhhnnnn" and she nodded and went "richie's love story" and i, still crying, went "hhhnnnn" but in a higher pitch

and im just so mad? that eddie didnt get to live?? we didnt get an "i love you" or even a "im gay" from richie??? we didnt get to see them holding hands and letting go of their trauma together and being gay and happy yet

yet the fucking bad-writer-white-boy and boo-hoo-i-had-no-friends and not-bev get happy endings??? mike can get a happy ending because he is a well thought out character

thESE 3 ON THE OTHER HAND OH MY GOD

bill had to change his endings which really makes me angry because ima writer yada yada

bill has been bullied his uh what whole life? he got told his opinion didnt matter and from what i remember even his parents shut down his ideas and i feel like he should have made the endings how he wanted instead of changing to what the public wanted. thats what he defended as a kid, thats why he was in the losers club unwilling to change, because they were losers. yet he changed.

ben should have stayed fat or at least have abnornal weight because that also defeats his story with bev. it makes it seem that suddenly and magically when ben is hot bev can BEGIN to consider that she loves him.

i already ranted about bev.

mike is decent i guess? i like that he didnt stay with whoever the fuck that was in the first movie because he seemed very aggreasive to me. im glad the chose to research into pennywise because others were too stupid not to (RICH AND EDDIE GET A PASS AGAIN BECAUSE THEY SHARE HALF A BRAINCELL AND I LOVE THEM)

well stan is just tragic

___

me: who the fuck is afraid of spiders why do they keep showing up

mom: its stan?

mom: he brought the hair things and all

me, about to cry: oh m y god

---

so TL;DR: we really liked the first film! the acting, the plot, the creepiness is overall better and you get to relate to a bunch of Losers who get abused by their parents

the 2nd film doesnt exist. i refuse to acknowledge it exist EXCEPT for the ending where stan writes a letter about how he would like to meet hks friends again while BREATHING and richie and eddie carve their initials on a piece of wood and get to be gay.

if your name starts with B your opinion is invalid in the 2nd movie

also can anybody give me fanfics where the fortnite dancing clown doesnt exist and richie goes to therapy to heal from the bullying and once he gets over his homophobia he gays with eddie??? specific i know but im willing to write it if it doesnt exist

[gataclism]

Stunt Double AU

[I suddenly became enamoured with the idea of Wayhem. Damn it, another child to feed.]

Bold letters are @littlespaceboii additions

Wayhem is Adrien's stunt double.

Since adrien is already a voice actor why not become an actual actor ye?

And start doing those spy agent movies the handsome beginners do to get famous.

Something like Cody Banks or that sort of stuff at the beginning.

Until he goes full Liam Neeson

Those post about 'actors next to their doubles! You won’t believe number 13!'.

And thats adrien next to wayhem they look like TWINS.

Wayhem becomes famous too.

They have famous interactions in twitter.

Wayhem is more approachable so people ask him about Adrien on twitter.

People mistaking Wayhem for Adrien on the streets.

Asking for pics

He takes one on his phone and post it with 'they say brown looks good on you @adrien.agreste' they thought Adrien dyed his hair for a movie or something

And when Adrien gets asked he says 'no, no, I'm Wayhem not Adrien' and people leave him alone

They pretend to be each other

[In an interview]

Adrien: no I'm Wayhem

Wayhem: geez I can't believe they'd think you're Adrien

They switch to confuse everyone

Nino *sees Wayhem walking down the street*: Man!? You said you were going to be on a photoshoot! If you didn't wanna hang out you should just hav- oh my god, im so sorry. You just look like by best bro... Like a lot....

Wayhem: lol is good, i get paid for it

They get names like Waydrien and Adhem (like Gred and Forge from HP)

Ladybug: Chat, I know who you are...

Chat: *sweats* what

Ladybug: you're Wayhem!

Chat:... Uh.... Just wow

They go round town wearing wigs occasionally to confuse everyone. Wayhem in a blonde wig and Adrien in a brunette wig.

They confuse poor gorilla

Nathalie: I'm this close to quitting I swear to god

Gabriel: *with a psychiatrist* i swear there's two of them, i had one and then they were two idk whats going on...

Marinette accidentally confesses to Wayhem instead of Adrien

*Wayhem arrives at their apartment*

Adrien: how did it go?

Wayhem: it went great!

Adrien: awesome man, something out of the ordinary?

Wayhem: i dont think so no

Adrien: cool, the dinner is on the fridge

Wayhem: thank god im starving

Wayhem: *while munching on Chicken* oh btw, you have a girlfriend now

Adrien: *was drinking water* pfffftshgdsvudxxbkjx WHAT

Wayhem sometimes goes on dates with Mari in Adrien's place. They place bets on how long it will take Mari to notice. Mari is so done with both of them, but she's too in love with Adrien to back out.

THEY SWITCH IN THE MIDDLE O DATES

Adrien: i'll go to the bathroom

Wayhem arrives instead of him: ready to go

Marinette: istg

Marinette doesn’t understand why they do it, where’s the fun in people mistaking you for someone else?

*Wayhem and Adrien look at eachother, they nod, serious*

Next day she was suposed to help at her parents bakery but she couldnt make it till really late

Marinette: im so sorry mama

Sabine: what? you were here

Marinette: what

She receives a text from wayhem image of the three of them only...THATS NOT HER

Adrien: Mari, meet Brigette!

It turns into a competition. Who can trick who for longest

Nino and Alya hate them all because they never know who they're hanging out with

Alya: That's it! PISS OFF ADRIEN

Wayhem: uhh im actually way...

Alya: i dont give a fuck!

Adrien popping up: wow Alya that's no way to talk to my good pal Wayhem

Alya: *incoherent screaming*

Way and Adrien messing up with Lila.

Wayhem helps Lila study or goes on a date with her.

The nex day lila tells everyone but surprise.

Adrien was at practice with kitty section. half the class as a witness (Alya, Nino, Mylene, Ivan, Juleka, Marinette)

Thats the real way she is out as a liar, when she believed she was telling the truth (oh the irony).

[musette22]

So, I saw endings beginnings at TIFF. That sex scene is to die for, but Seb was sinking deeper in his seat when it was playing (it was super cute). I couldnt help but imaigune, what would be Chris' reaction when he sees the movie and how majestic Seb was in it. I mean, would he be jealous? Coz, they are very VERY hot.

AHH you saw it already? And in the same theatre as Seb?? GOD I’m jealous! Lucky you 😍 I so hope it’ll be released in theatres here too at some point, but we’ll see.. Anyway, oh my goodness, I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to see it in the same space as Sebastian, the poor thing must’ve been mortified to see himself so exposed and doing all those things on the big screen 🙈 But hopefully also proud of his performance (heh) 

Well, I think that when Chris sees it he’s gonna want to be watching it alone, if you catch my drift 😏 I think he wouldn’t be all that jealous, because he’s an actor himself and he knows how sex scenes work and that it’s ultimately just a (slightly strange) job, but I do think he’ll be paying VERY close attention and enjoy it, you know, a normal amount.

[zeroroheichou]

theyve cancelled in person classes for the rest of the semester now. my last semester of college and its all gonna be online for the next two months

im mostly unaffected in terms of my courses but i feel so unbelievably bad for all of the actors and stage crew that had performances cancelled, all of the people that had chem labs that their grades depend on, all of the poor fashion design bfa students that spent so much time and work and money on their senior capstone collections and wont even get to show them off

they havent officially cancelled graduation yet, said they were gonna give a decision on what to do with that later, but given that theyve banned events with more than 100 people and theyre strongly encouraging everyone to go home im not super hopeful on that front

i didnt even get to say goodbye to my friends,, my dnd group met on sunday and i couldnt go because i had a project to turn in and then this shit happened on tuesday and now i wont get to see any of them for the rest of the semester,, i dont know if/when ill be back in ohio so i dont know if ill ever even see any of those people again and that fact is one of the most upsetting things to me im so fucking sad right now 

[kirakirachiizuru]

[PART 1] HAKUMYU LIVE2 - SPECIAL GUEST EXTRAS - Matsuda Ryo

I am doing this just for fun ^^ Because I like translating the Tokuten (extras), than the Honpen (stageplay) :p I know LIVE has been around for a while but just in case ^^ I will skip some parts… because they talk too fast / not so important / interesting :p If I have the time and if anyone wants to read this, I will make the rest with Izawa Yuki, Yamazaki Shuuto, Gomoto Naoya & Yazaki Hiroshi too ^^ (i edited this with photos lol yesterday tumblr was being ugly and jealous i couldnt upload anything)

PART01: Matsuda Ryo-kun (12/08, Kyoto, NOON)

[01:25:22]

Mori-Producer: Today’s guest, Matsuda Ryo-san!

Ryo: IS EVERYONE HAVING FUN?

*fanscream*

Ryo: NOT ENOUGH! DO YOU LOVE HAKUMYU?

*fanscream*

Ryo: Awesome! Once again, I am  the previous Saito Hajime actor, Matsuda Ryo.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

:

M-P: So it has been 2 1/2 years, since your last stage, since Kazama-hen

R: Yes, that was the last one for me, and the Fukuchou (commander / Piroshi). And you see just now I have been watching from the side-stage and a lot of memories came in.

:

R: Yes my debut performance was the first ever Hakumyu after all (Saitou-hen). I’m so happy and now everyone is turning their penlights into Blue colour. Aa~ thank you~ (in his Kansai-ben /aaaaaa XD)

*fanscream*

R: I love everyone (* Minna suki ya de~ aaa kansai benn XD) ! I’ll give you this *hands over his uchiwa (fan) to one front seat fan). It is a festival after all right. I can’t throw it (the fan) to the seats it’s dangerous okay.

M-P: It is definitely amazing right. It was the first ever Hakumyu, and without that there wont be Hakumyu today right (i rephrased this XD i think he mentioned Matsuda Gakkun, like without Ryo-kun first Hakumyu, there wouldnt be Hakumyu today for anyone else~)

*Digest / clips of Ryo-Saitou played on screen*

After that…

R: You know just now I received a LINE message from Yamazaki-san / Piroshi.

AUDIENCE: ‘What did he saaay?’

R: ‘Good luck for the LIVE’ and he wrote that all in Hiragana. lol but that’s so him XDD

So I replied, I’ll do my best!

R: No no *sheepishly*, but you see in the digest just now (clips from prev musicals), it is thanks to everyone - casts, staffs, those who have been loving Hakumyu.. oh but Hakuouki (the anime/game) is amazing in the first place right.

M-P: He is definitely a zachou (lead) who practiced more than anyone else, yet never shows a tired face *more praises*

R: (laugh) thank you!

Then Mori-Producer said that seems like it started from Ryo-kun, a passionate and powerful Zachou, and from that on the next ones too inherited that.

R: Eh, wait I feel like crying already.

M-P: That’s fast.

R: Before I was in Hakumyu, I went through an audition and at that time, I was auditioning for Heisuke’s position.

ME & FANS: WHAAT?????

[01:28:01]

R: I was aiming for Heisuke and I really didnt think that I would be Saitou Hajime and that time Mori-san’s impression was really interesting

M-P: I thought he will definitely fail this :p

It was like he was screwing around. What did you do again?

And then Ryo-kun explained that there are some things that needs to be done. I think he needs to act out a scene in which everyone needs to take turn and then he gets cut down by another. And he have to act out a dying scene.

[1:28:45] 

R: I never had any experience of sword fight lessons or anything, let alone how to act out a death. So when I was cut down, UWAAA— (run and plops on floor) and I just stayed in this position (on floor) and I looked at the person and the producer angrily said ‘Die now!’

(Chii: BAHAHAHA ;;;;;;)

M-P: I really thought you will fail but you managed till the end and Im glad it is you.

R: Aaww

M-P: How about acting out Saitou Hajime’s line now? *pass a Katana*

R: WAAA, it has been a while since I last held a Katana *slips it on his obi* (mind you, it is left side which is actually ‘wrong’ because he is Saitou Hajime known for left-handed samurai XD). Ok Mori-san be the Chizuru okay.

*acts out Saitou’s line* (AAAAAA AAAA) *looks at Mori-chizuru lol*

R: EH, this katana is the other way round (lol)

M-P: Any scenes that’s most memorable for you?

R: (he said the scene when he fought with Kazama)

*Then it became an awkward scene when Shougo-Kazama came out.*

R: Hi, it is.. a first time so I’m Matsuda Ryo *steps back*

Shougo-Kazama: Hmph.

R: Seems like his eyes is killing me. Then, I can take him on now. Everyone, he is now weaponless.

S-K: *came back with a Katana* R: Ok lets go with ‘that’ scene. Get it? ‘That scene?’ …. Aren’t you laughing, you okay?

(LOL Shougo is facing Ryo-kun so the face is not visible :P)

*Acting out the sword fight* But it doesnt seem to go well XDDD

S-K: ... sure you can do it? :p

[01:33:30]

*Shiranui is called out*

Shiranui: I didnt hear about this

(maybe this was not part of their plan haha because the talks are partly scripted :p)

R: Hi! Hey hey hey! *making a gun with his hand and then ignored by the two Onis* XD

S: Who’s that?

S-K: I have no idea

R: Where’s that other person.. bald one?

S: Koudou

(actually and usually the casts are all watching from the side-stage ^^ HAHA so im thinking they didnt planned it out other than Shougo-Kazama meeting Ryo-kun XD)

….. Koudou: Shibu shibu shibu shibu *t/n: reluctant, reluctant (LOL XD)

[01:34:30]

R: Definitely they are amazing first-generation casts right

M-P: Ok time is running out. *fans went EHHH~~*

S-K: I will read a letter from my good friend, Suzuki Shougo (lolol.)

R: Oh you two are such close friends eh. (LOL)

S-K: He is… *stiffled laugh* (AHAHAHAHAHA) S-K: *reads the letter to Matsuda-san* ^^ Matsuda-san I heard you are making appearance on Hakumyu’s stage after a long time today, how are you feeling? It has been 5 years since we have known each other. You who are a younger brother, we had fun praticing, drinking and fooling around together. Compared to that time, I earnestly think you’ve become such a splendid actor as Matsuda Ryo…….. (cont) (It is such a warm letter, and I am not good with such beautiful piece so let’s leave that to your imagination :P)

S-K: That’s what he wrote *keeps the letter in his sleeve* M-P: You’re not giving the letter to him?

S-K: Later (XD) : [01:37:18]

R: *speeches* Ok I cant anymore, if I stay here any longer I will cry. Thank you, have fun everyone!

FIN

Here are some other interesting facts from the rest of the special guest corner (that I might or might not translate):

[1] Gomoto Naoya-kun auditioned for Hijikata Toshizou’s position (HAHAHA but Mori Producer was like, Nope okay you can stop during the audition :p)

[2] Izawa Yuki-kun was sooo pressured to be the 2nd Hijikata-san, because Piroshi / Yamazaki Hiroshi was a strong one, too good. And then he said at that time, he always had Kondou-san (Taira-san) to pamper and calm him down. And when asked how, he acted it out: *walks to Kondou-san and hugs* ‘Im scared~ Piroshi was so good~* And Taira-san would hug pat him and say ‘It is okay, just be yourself, you own version of Hijikata Toshizou’

[3] On the recording day of Hakumyu Reimeiroku, Piroshi came to watch. And Izawa Yuki-kun was like ‘AAA how dare he came today why did he have to come today of all days’ XD But then at the end, when he showed his fist towards Piroshi in the audience seat, Piroshi returned his air-fistbump (AWW). He said he was happy and touched ^^

[4] Izawa Yuki sheated his katana and fans went ‘UUU~~’ and he said ‘Wow LIVE is so nice, I didnt do anything but sheating my sword and I get such reaction :p

[5] Izawa Yuki said he had such a blunder during Hakumyu performance like there were times when he tried to sheath back his sword and the scabbard had moved the other way. So this one time, he put it in, and like oh god it wouldnt go in so while acting the play he slowwwwly slowwwwly took it out, and BAM! put it back in one go :p

[6] Ryo-kun said some of the blunders he made during Hakumyu was (1) There was a part Amagiri was talking and he was supposed to come out, and at one time he was just sitting at the side-stage not realizing it was his moment to come out. And suddenly Ikeda Junya-kun (Heisuke), came running ‘OI YOUR TURN GET OUT THERE’ and he was like wth and ‘WHY?’ and Junya furiously said ‘YOUR TURN’ and he was like ‘WHAT? !!!’ *late sudden realization* XDDD

(2) There was a day he said he forgot his Katana (LOL) and that was the part he was supposed to fight Kazama (such important scene LOL). And he saw the ensemble Suga-chan and just ‘defeat and grab away his Katana forcefully’ and continue his act LOL. (you would know Suga-vhan if you’re a fan (said Ryo-kun), bcs the longest ensemble member to join Hakumyu from start till to-date).

[7] Izawa Yuki-kun said he was always feeling so pressured (lol poor one XD Piroshi was awesome after all keke) but Kondou-san (Taira-san) helped him like you know he is a historical figure and Taira-san looks just so realiable like the real one, but then one day during practice, they were practicing Shinsengumi’s first appearance during YAISA and when it is his turn to come out with Taira-san suddenly he heard a loud DODOON noise and when he looked to his side, Taira-san stumbled and fell down very unsightly LOL (you can see this clip in Toudou-hen’s extras) :p

[8] Imata Taira-san (Kondou-san) is known for getting tongue-tied and calling character names wrongly like: Saitou-KYUN, Sousuke (Heisuke), Heiji (Souji) :p

[9] Mori-producer said when he first met Ryo-kun he judged him like ‘Can this kid really talk properly’ (Because Ryo-kun is a Kansai-person so he has an accent). And Ryo-kun said Now I can talk normally and fluently (without the accent) :p

[swampgallows]

it’s becoming harder and harder for me to find solace in places. the guilt inside me is becoming heavy. i know that if i want something, i need to make it happen, but i am so exhausted of having to do everything myself. and the things i do get help with i feel grateful, of course, but then so guilty that i’m needing to be helped that it’s incapacitating. i’m just so late in the game to everything. i’m so outside of life and what other people are doing. i’ve always felt that way, though. i’m never gonna snap into place like they want me to. 

i need to pick a career and stuff. i just have to like shot in the dark pick something at this point because there isn’t going to be some divine calling, my pittance from art commissions is not gonna be enough to sustain me (and i dont think i can get to a point where it will), im just so bogged down knowing that everybody is fuckin poor. 

part of me wishes i could wake up and just ‘be normal’. that i could throw away all the weird stupid shit in my life. the trashy little kid bracelets, the clown clothes, the nerdy interests, the ugly monsters (what on earth is an ‘orc’?), the hundreds of heavy and just plain weird records that are sooo boring and irritating and repetitive and loud and obnoxious. all the shit i’ve internalized about stuff i am beyond passionate about, the only fuel that keeps me alive and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. i read once about brain trauma, that someone suffered an injury and when they woke up, all of their interests changed completely. they were a classically-trained musician, iirc, and ended up just selling all of their instruments and getting rid of all their books etc because it had absolutely no value to them anymore. they were completely changed. i dont remember what their new interests became, but... the thought of that has haunted me for over a decade. maybe someone will hit me in the head just right until i wake up and be a normal person who cares about normal, accessible things instead of all this fringe and abrasive fantasy bullshit. what if i woke up one day and became a devout christian? i roll over and my room is foreign to me, along with everything in it, and then i just throw it all away? i start over, stripped clean. tabula rasa. i get good interests instead. relatable adult things, like gourmet food and backpacking. i titter with the girls at the office and wear pencil skirts and focus on landing me a tall dark and handsome. 

the thought of becoming that thing is heartwrenching. painful. but it’s all obvious, of course, why i would ever have that masochistic fantasy of completely disowning my worthless oblong self. a me that isn’t ‘ruined’. 

i went through my kandi stash the other day trying to find all my kandi with bells on it (I could have sworn i had more). and going through a lot of it was a flood of memories. high school, college, raver days. when i was in high school, all by my lonesome, the only candy kid or rave-associated ANYTHING in my 4000+ fellow students, i had to wear a lot of my own kandi. and i did so as a beacon, a lighthouse, hoping that i could be a beaming signal to any other candy kids who might be in hiding. and i got so dizzy and self-consuming with my repressed interest that i became a zealot about it, being extremely rude and elitist about my interests because i felt a need to protect them. i felt the pressure of them looking to be watered down or erased. i was the same with warcraft. 

ten years later i’m not as rude about it, but i feel exactly the same way. in high school i had to wear my own kandi, would have it ripped off of my arms in big fistfuls by those who ostracized me, and had to be tongue-in-cheek and submissive about my passion, my very real and non-ironic DEVOTION to this. thank god on tumblr i can write 4000 word dissertations about garrosh hellscream and some of you crazy fucks actually bother to read it, but sometimes i still feel like that kind of pariah for having a very niche and very specific fixation. 

even people who played warcraft when i was in high school told me i took it too seriously because i roleplayed; and even roleplayers in the game told me i took it too seriously because i didnt want to sit around for 6 hours pretending to drink alcohol and trying to get laid, except as an elf. the fact that i really wanted to discuss the lore and delve into the story and the universe of azeroth, of how it would feel to be in that place, to live that life, ostracized me even from the people who claim to feel the same way. but roleplay was never about focusing on how our veins dont surge anymore as undead, how your digestive organs need to be removed post-undeath so they dont explode and rupture and hang out of your bowels like the abominations in the Undercity, how the undead are technically still the same citizens of Loraderon but are being ousted by their living counterparts in neighboring kingdoms. it was just “haha im a funny dead pirate man and i’m going to womanize 12 blood elf women at once behind all of their backs.”

in trying to become a gabber dj too, i felt like i had to take it upon myself because nobody else plays the music that i like. but alll of these things... it feels like i’m just building a house by myself. i feel like nobody truly, at the core, appreciates the intersection of interests that i have, or can only smile and nod at my fervor but not really understand it. and it’s nobody’s fault, nobody is obligated to feel what i feel. 

i’m glad people enjoy the garrosh posts and art that i make. and i’m glad that my friends make kandi with me now and encourage me to play gabber. i’m happy when i get some really good RP, even if i have to be the one to walk up every time. i’m glad that people want me to “do the thing”. i just feel like... there is no payoff once it’s done. everyone gets glad that it’s finished, and they enjoy it then, but then it dissolves. nobody is invested in it but me.

i know the solution is to be more accessible, but i can’t seem to imagine anything other than swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction. like, all or nothing. either you take all of my german expressionism with the warcraft meta and the rave shit, or you get nothing. i dont know how to dilute myself and that’s part of what was killing me at my job. i felt like a novelty. a doll. but it wasn’t their fault.. they couldnt relate to what i was talking about and passionate about, and it’s not their fault. they liked me because i was well-spoken and funny and a diligent worker, which are all nice and accessible things, but when nobody can cathect with me, really empathize with me, i feel like a jester. a consumable. 

my college roommates would tell me that they loved me because i was so funny. and that’s it. i existed as entertainment, but anything human about me—my passions, my interests, my insights, my memories—meant nothing. even my family will ask me a question and then cut me off in the middle of my sentence, expressing more of just their disbelief or confusion about something than actually seeking information. it’s why i stopped answering customers when they’d ask “how did you dye your hair?” and, like an idiot, i attempted to explain the process to them, thinking they actually wanted to know. but a few words in and their eyes glazed over, probably because they weren’t expecting a “real answer”. i began to accept that any questions directed toward me were closer to passive acknowledgements of me just standing there and existing in their field of vision than any sort of actual desired input from me. it’s like when people ask “how are you?” and you are obligated to say “fine” because it is the rote response. if you actually start talking about how you are doing, you are violating the socially agreed upon script of pleasantries. 

i cant do small talk. i cant do scripts. i dont get it. it doesnt make sense to me. and i think retail killed me because of that. i wasn’t a person. i wasn’t even an NPC. i was just a doll. an actor. a pull-string action figure with 5 fun phrases. i was so wacky and weird with my green hair and my silly bracelets and funny observations. ho ho what fun it is to work here with our personal jester to tell us funny stories about her cuh-razy antics she gets up to!

like how nate said “the craziest thing of someone’s year will be seeing someone play the legend of zelda theme on an accordion at a convention and for us that’s just like a walk down the street”. 

my feet straddle two divergent worlds and i cant pick just one but im about to fall in the crevice.

man i fuckin love ratatouille man. i fuckin love that film. i cant choose between two halves of myself. even when the halves want the other half dead.

i need a liaison. where’s MY linguini????