#i could use that to replace pretty much all my phone's purposes

[girlscience]

watching shows from the early 2000's/2010's and fondly remembering the time when I didn't need a smartphone for everyday life

[rogerswifesblog]

Got an ask with Its all about the

How dose sam and buck react if they met rich reader while her and steve are out casual like they were getting some snacks or casual walk low key

Awww I love this ask, thank you! So here’s a little Drabble to that^^

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

Summary: Your little coffee dates gets interrupted.

Warnings: none?

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Sugar!Mommy!Reader

A few weeks into your agreement and Steve felt quite happy. New clothes, a new phone and many nights he spend at your place enjoying some greasy food and your company. At first he had imagined only spending time with you when necessary, when he needed it, but now? He actually enjoyed being with you. Hence the little coffee date before his classes would start and you’d have to go to work.

You took a sip of your coffee, looking through the breakfast menu. It was Steve’s idea to come here, apparently he liked coming here quite often with his friends, especially because the prices were affordable and it was close to his campus.

Just then two men entered the café, but you didn’t give them much more attention. Having Steve in front of you was already enough for you. You may have fallen for the boy more than you should’ve, but it already happened so the least you could do now was to enjoy it.

But you did feel the eyes on you once again, making you look up. Both men looked at you and then back at Steve. It happened often. People judged you and Steve’s relationships-which wasn’t surprising. Steve was a collage student and looked like that, too. Especially when he wore the hoodie with his university logo, just like today. Sometimes you asked yourself if he did it on purpose to torture you, showing you the reminder of how much older you were, but that was of course not the idea behind it. He told you he liked the softness of it.

Besides, Steve had asked you a few times to dress a bit down when you two were out, putting away the fur coat or replacing the louboutin heels with normal heels so people wouldn’t immediately assume he’s a gold digger-but instead dressing down you bought him his own louboutin shoes and a couple dress pants. In the end you both agreed on not changing anything about the way you dressed, even when it meant people would stare. A few weeks later and you both got pretty used to it. Sometimes Steve even noticed the attention, especially when someone seemed jealous when you hold onto his arm, your red lipstick always staining his collars, neck and cheeks, the soft smiles just for him, the teasing touches so nobody notices, oh but they do…everyone can see how much you enjoy having Steve around. Even strangers see your eyes sparkling at him.

“I’m thinking about the French toast and eggs-“ “They made amazing eggs with spinach, try those”, interrupted another voice you haven’t heard before, but Steve apparently did since his cheeks turned a dark shade of red.

Smiling, you look up at the dark haired man with a man bun, right next to him a dark skinned man with a bright smile and a gap between his teeth, making him look even more sympathetic than he already seemed to be. “And you two are?”

Both men looked at Steve for a second, then back to you. “We’re Steve’s roommates-and best friends” “-probably only friends” The blue eyed interrupted his friends again, making you chuckle quietly, while you slowly slid to the side, making room for one of them next to you. Bucky immediately took the place, Sam doing the same next to Steve when he scooched over,

“Sam and Bucky, Steve told me about you two. Yet he didn’t mention your habit of interrupting other people, Bucky”, you smirked slightly, noticing rosy patches appearing on his cheeks, while both Steve and Sam grinned at that, Steve still looking a bit shy.

You smiled at Steve, raising your eyebrows lightly wanting for him to finally find his voice back, maybe even introducing you properly. He finally got the hint when you kicked his shin. “Sam, Bucky meet Y/N, my…girlfriend”, he cleared his throat, the blush that was slowly fading was now back. Up until now he had never introduced you to anyone, especially not as his girlfriend, but it felt nice. And true. He saw you as his girlfriend.

The smile on your lips widened while you looked down at the menu again. “I’ll have the eggs with spinach, then. And what would you like to have, boys?” You smiled, all men looking shocked at you-well, Sam and Bucky, Steve wasn’t fazed. He was used to you paying, that was the agreement. He wasn’t even surprised you wanted to pay for his friends either. Since the agreement had started you’ve always paid for Steve and for his groceries, which often was more than enough for all three men.

“We don’t-we just wanted to say hi-“ Sam started, but you shook your head. “I know, but you’re already here, so you can at least eat something, both of you”, with that you gave Bucky the menu, which he slowly took from your hand.

He looked at Steve for approval, which made the blond man chuckle. “She means it, really. Don’t look at me like that”, he laughed head shaking, while he leaned back.

A few minutes later a waitress took your orders, while you all made some small talk, Bucky and Sam always eying you up and down.

Of course Steve had mentioned you were ridiculously rich and a bit older, but they assumed only a few years, four or five (which probably was very stupid of them, they just never really knew how you got your money. Bucky imagined you had a rich father, the same thought occurred to Sam when he first heard about you, but now? ) They definitely saw a few gray hairs on your head, a few little wrinkles around your eyes.

But the more minutes went by, the more they realized Steve wasn’t only in for the money. They saw his eyes sparkle at you, especially when you laughed at his incredibly awful jokes or when you teased him about something. Your hand stroked over the back of his hand when he put down his hand on the table, making him smile to himself.

Bucky and Sam looked at each other for a second, before back to the lovebirds sitting next to them.

Yep, they’d definitely tease Steve about it. Totally.

Because Stevie finally found love, even when he wasn’t supposed to. But…they actually were pretty happy for him. He deserved something good after all that had happened in the last few years.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

Let me know! Support your writers by reblogging and leaving feedback!

Questions? HC ideas? Drabble ideas? Thoots? (For this au or in general) -> flood my inbox!😋❤️

Series taglist: @slutforchrisjamalevans @joannaromanoff @marvel-wifey-86 @buckysteveloki-me @patzammit @barnesboo1967 @sebsgirl71479 wanna be tagged? Be active (FEEDBACK AND REBLOGGING) and let me know!

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[yourlocalartsonist]

ROTTMNT Moths Fly In Packs - Chapter Nine

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I'M ALIVE AND I AM SO SORRY! It's been way too long and I'm genuinely sorry this chapter took several fucking months to make but IT'S FINALLY DONE! It ended up way longer than I intended man, I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE SHORT. It's my longest chapter yet fun fact. I don't even regret it really, it benefited so much from the extra effort. Hopefully the next few chapters won't take this long but I will refrain from jinxing myself again so🧍‍♀️Anyway enough blabbering, hope y'all enjoy this one ;w;

CREDIT To the MFIP Team: Thank you to @yosajaeofficial, @urlocalmj, misfortun3_ismyname (on TikTok), @chaoticspeedrun, @ramblehour and @goldanrabbit for being my lovely editors! MAN did they give this chapter a lot of polish-

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Chapter One

Disclaimer: Chapter involves verbal abuse/manipulation, harassment, gaslighting, depressive thoughts, violence, blood, mentions of a wounded limb, brief mentions of nausea, displayed anxiety, and curse words. If you're sensitive to that, scroll past and stay safe!

I rushed around my room throwing shit on as fast as I could. Not fast enough apparently, since my phone’s vibrating like it’s gonna explode.

It’s late as hell right now, but Zane insisted on meeting up. Pretty randomly at, like, 11pm on a school night. I was initially planning to reject the idea or ghost with the excuse of sleeping, but it’s been a good while since I actually did hang out with him. I know insomnia’s gonna keep me up for a bit anyway, so why the hell not? We might even have fun! Just wish he’d stop flooding my notifs like I didn't already say I was actively getting ready.

I looked in the mirror, checking to see if I was presentable enough for the outside realm. My reflection’s the same as always; for better or worse. Still the same pink dress, same green skirt, same  boots. Can’t forget the gold earrings; the only emergency asset I held onto. I don’t know what I expected. I don’t have much to work with. Guess the gloves from Donnie are new, at least. But I’m still getting… bored? A change in appearance—even a small one—might be able to fill that hole for a while. Keep me distracted.

Maybe I could do something with my hair tonight? I still have Mi’s ribbon lying here somewhere.

I ignored Zane’s digital pestering and spent a few extra minutes shuffling through drawers and boxes, eventually finding her long, white ribbon—handmade from moth silk. She wore it all the time. I barely remember her hair being fully down unless she was sleeping or about to shower. Except for that one night, of course. The night she left and was never found again. She almost did take the ribbon with her. Had her hair done up in a bun and everything, even a little fancier than usual. But she took it off once she saw me behind her, barely reflected in the mirror. She crouched down, placed it in my tiny palms, and gave me her wonderfully warm smile. It’s the last thing she left me with. The last gift she could ever give me. 

After that, the ribbon’s survived years of storage and then more years of… unconventional bullshit use. I know moth silk ain’t the weakest thing on Earth but I’ve deadass used this ribbon as a make-shift pulley system to sneak stuff into my room through the window before, some of which weighed more than me! Its got the endurance of a Nokia at this point. 

I’ve barely used the ribbon for its intended purpose, though. I mean, how could I? I’m not my mom no matter how similar we look. Maybe this is a me-thing, but I always felt wearing the ribbon would be like replacing her with myself. 

Although, I’m sure Mi would’ve loved it if I wore it. 

Using the ribbon, I tied my hair into a ponytail and styled it as a loose bow, just to see how it would look. The white tails gently draped over my back down to my hips. I never quite realized how long the ribbon was before now. I don’t look as fancy or pretty as mom did, but it’s the best I’ve got. It… it doesn’t look bad, though, I think. It actually looks kinda nice! Maybe I’ll use it a bit more often. 

My phone’s repeated buzzing snapped me out from my trance. “Alright, alright, shut up already.” I groaned. Zane’s growing impatient.

You: hey sorry I jsut finished getting ready

You: heading out the door now! :3 

Fuck doors. Sneaking out became a whole lot easier ever since I did it from my window, but he doesn’t have to know that. I can already imagine him scolding me about the dangers of dropping down from high places, even with the fire escape there. He wouldn’t be wrong, per se, but at this point I’ve handled worse. Would probably send him into cardiac arrest if he knew what I’d actually been up to these few months.

I sprinted to the spot we agreed to meet up at. Zane was already there, leaning against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets like always. 

“Salena! Hey!” He lit up like a star when he saw me, beckoning me over.

God, for a sour person, he has such a sweet smile. He’s usually so good at being intimidating and frightening. Yet the second he brings out his smile, all that built-up fear washes away like it was never there to begin with. 

“I almost thought you wouldn’t come.”

“Well, I figured I could use some fresh air.” I tilted my head to the side, eyeing his fit. “You left your sweater at home?”

“Hm?” He followed my gaze to his pitch black tank top in place of the usual outfit. “Oh, right! Yeah, the weather’s too hot for a sweater tonight. Forgot I changed it, really.”

Now that I’m looking closer, his choker’s missing too. It probably didn’t match with the top. Seems like it got swapped with a black watch on his left wrist that complimented the look way more. Doesn’t matter what he pretends to be though, I know Zane pays very close attention to his appearance. He’s gotta maintain the rep of our grade’s “Pretty Boy” after all. When it comes to him, every little detail matters.

Wait a sec…

“What happened to your arm?”

I couldn’t see ‘till he turned towards me but his left arm had a deep bluish-purple bruise spread across it. It looked like it was from something long like a pipe or a bat. Either way, it was gnarly enough to worry me. 

“Oh that. It’s nothing too bad.” He shrugged.

“You kiddin’ me? It looks awful! What happened?” I carefully grabbed his arm and took a closer look at the mark. I wish Leo was here, but thankfully I’ve picked up a little medic knowledge from him so I can at least tell if a bone is broken or not.

“Hey, don’t get your feathers all fluffed! I got a little hurt rough-housing with the guys, that’s all. You know how they are.”

“Rough-housing? Or a secret murder attempt?” I was only being half sarcastic. It wouldn’t be out of character for them.

“Don’t worry! It’s really sweet of you to care, but they’d never dare hurt me on purpose! Now, on another note…“ He paused for a moment, taking a proper look at me. For a little bit, I couldn’t tell why he smirked. “Looks like someone wanted to look cute tonight, ey? You wore your hair up.”

“Huh?” I touched my hair, forgetting I changed it earlier. “Oh, um, yeah! I-I did! I thought I’d give it a try. Does it… um, you know, look too bad or weird or?…”

“No! No, it… it looks really pretty.” Oh god, that’s a relief to hear! I was so paranoid it wouldn’t suit— “I gotta ask, though.”

I caught him inching closer. I tried creating space, but quickly realized I was up against the wall again. Should’ve been more careful about that. His hand reached out, bringing back all sorts of cringe-inducing memories. He didn’t technically pin me like last time, but he tucked my bangs back behind my ear. Feeling his fingers come into contact with my skin almost feels just as nauseating, though. 

“How’d you know I had a thing for girls in ponytails?”

And fuck, he made it weird again.

“Z-Zane?”

“Yeah?…” WHY ISN’T HE GETTING THE HINT!? “You know, you always look so soft when you dress up. You just bloom.”

“…So! What are we doing tonight?” 

His smile slightly dropped, likely upset I ruined whatever moment he was trying to have. Honestly, didn’t matter to me, as shitty as that sounds. I just wanted to change the topic so he’d step back a bit. We go through this every time; this stupid ass, awkward aura. I wish it would stop happening. 

On the bright side, he did step back and redirect his focus to answering my question. On the not so bright side, his answer was a pathetic shrug.

“I don’t know.”

“Y-you… What do you mean you don’t know? I snuck out here in the middle of the night, you told me it’d be something special! You’ve gotta have something planned.”

“Honest, I don’t! I thought it was beautiful outside and it reminded me of you. Wanted to see where such a lovely night could take us. I think that’s special enough, don’t you?”

“W-Well, I mean—“

He chuckled “What’s wrong? You’re not backing out now, are you?” 

I may have praised his smile earlier, but right now it’s making my eye twitch. I’m a little peeved knowing he brought me out here for shits and giggles when I could’ve at least been resting in bed, replenishing some of my energy. I know I don’t have the best sleeping habits, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get tired from the constant action going on! I don’t even know how long he’s gonna keep me hostage for! But… he’s also right that it’d be kinda shitty to bail now. Besides, I’m already out here so…

I guess all that’s left to do is suck it up and try to make the best of it. 

“Well, do you wanna… go for a walk or something?”

“Sounds perfect to me! Come on, hold my hand, Dove.”

For someone who supposedly didn’t have a plan, he sure took an awful lot of charge during that walk. He suggested we go to Central Park and practically dragged me there despite my common sense screaming to never go to that hellspawn at night. Although, I can’t complain too much. The park’s definitely the best place to see the stars, and tonight had clear skies! He made sure to keep a tight grip on me in case we ran into any classic New York weirdos anyway, so I should probably be less tense. I guess I got used to the guaranteed safety of having literal ninjas around me, I forgot what it was like hanging out with a regular person. 

On top of that, Zane seemed really happy! Happier than I’ve seen him in a while, actually. He was giddily pointing out any interesting greenery we saw and rambling random facts he knew about them. 

Even later, when we went and dined inside a relatively fancy restaurant, all he could focus on was the different plants they chose as decor. He’s such a huge nature geek, but he’d never let anyone know. Zane’s the type of guy to get 100% on a biology test and shamefully shove it in his backpack to avoid being labeled as a nerd. Being a nerd myself, I think it’s pretty cool, so I never understood it. But either way, I’m glad he feels safe around me. I’m glad he doesn’t hide around me.

I forgot about this side of him, I really did. The side that is my friend.

We were walking back to my place, taking in the bliss of the quiet night. Even if a part of me prefers the busier, noisy parts of the city, it’s really soothing to experience the calmer sides of it too. Everything about tonight feels nearly perfect. I’m surprised nothing ruined it. I’m debating if I could ruin it…

I really want to talk to him. I wanna bring up those photos, get some answers, put my strange emotions to rest once and for all. I wanna hear it from him that neither of them meant to hurt me. That this was just my mind screwing me over again. I need to know. I really need to know. 

You know, friends are supposed to lend a shoulder when you need it.

I don’t want to ruin the night. But friendship takes risks sometimes. That’s what shows its strength, right?

I take a deep breath and go for the leap of faith.

“So, I was wondering—” “Salena, I wanted to ask—” 

I really gotta work on my timing for these things.

“S-Sorry! You go first.”

He shook his head with a delicate smile. “Nah, it’s okay. You can go.”

“Are you sure? I-I mean it’s kinda complicated…”

“Yeah, I’m sure! I always love hearing you talk, anyway.” 

“O-okay then, well…” My hands balled up into determined fists and I looked him right in the eyes. I have to put an end to this or I’ll never be able to move on. “I’ll be real, it might be a weird question.But you’re my friend and I really trust you a lot. I… I have to know this, so please don’t get mad.”

“Yeah…?” Why did he have to lean in closer…

I came this far, I’m not letting my tongue shut me up again. 

“What’s going on with you and Jaiden?”

Immediately his demeanor changed. His posture slouched, the disappointment clear as day on his face. “Jaiden? You’re—you’re really thinking about… about them, now?” 

“Yes, b-but I want to stop! That’s why I need to ask you this, so please bear with me, Zane.”

He leaned back with a hand on his hip, the other covering his face as he exhaled. “And here I was getting my hopes up for nothing.”

He would never think that I heard him; Zane’s a good whisperer. Unfortunately, my hearing rivals it.

He looked at me again; his eyes didn’t feel the same. “Okay, fine. What is it?”

I felt my stomach twist into itself. My chest began to ache. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was about to hurl.

It’s okay. Friends get a little upset at each other all the time. Doesn’t mean they’ll break apart. Don’t be a coward, Salena. 

I told him about everything. The canceled plans, Jaiden’s distant behavior, the increase in their pics together on his Instagram. I vented about how frustrated I felt with seeing them spend so much time together and then completely ignore me. And then vented some more about how frustrated I felt from that frustration, how I knew it was wrong yet couldn’t help it seeping into my everyday life! I let out a lot of steam tonight, even things I didn’t plan on telling him. The only things I left out, honestly, were anything related to the turtles to hide their identity. And to avoid any irrelevant questions.

He seemed strangely chipper hearing all of this, a curiously amused smirk plastered on his face. Not the reaction I expected, but I guess it’s better than him flipping out like I thought he would. 

“So, if I’m getting this right, you see me and Jaiden hanging out more often and it actually bothers you?”

“I don’t want it to but yeah, it bothers me a whole fucking lot. It’s taken over my life and I hate it! I hate being jealous! It’s so—“ 

“You’re jealous!? You’re jealous! Oh man, I can’t believe I am living in the same timeline where the Salena Moni is experiencing jealousy like every. Average. Lowlife. Person!” 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and rub it in, why dontcha? That helps me so much.” I pouted.

He laughed, enjoying my misery. “I know, I’m sorry. Just, damn! Somewhere, pigs are flying aren’t they?” If Meat Sweats could fly, I’d be his murderous Cupid.

“Har har. I get it though. I mean, you know me! I’ve felt envious before, but jealous? How does anyone even deal with this…?” I held myself a little tighter.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Dove. It happens! Everyone gets a little jealous. It’s a normal thing to go through, Salena.”

“Yeah, I sure did want a normal life, so I guess I got what I wished for.” I can’t help feeling salty over all this. 

He only laughed and patted my hair, fluffing up the ponytail a little. 

“Hey, Zane? For the sake of my psyche, you sure I’m not a bad person for this?”

A tender sigh rang through my ears. “I’m sure. You could never be a bad person, Salena.” 

…I never realized a husky voice like his could feel so honeyed.

But he’s right. I’m not a bad person, I’m just human. If both him and Raph said the same thing, it’s more likely to be true.

“And for the record, Jaiden and I are just friends right now. There’s nothing going on between us, so you don’t have to worry.”

“Uh… Cool? I… might be a little lost here. Why are you telling me that?”

“Reassurance, obviously.”

I blinked, not really getting it or knowing how to respond. He thought for a moment, then had a face of realization while he giggled.

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you’re actually that innocent! You’re so cute, I swear!” He booped my nose and leaned in again with a huge smile. He lowered his voice almost to a whisper. “You’re jealous because you have a crush.” 

A crush?

“But why would I have a crush on Jaiden?” 

“I’m just saying—Wait, rewind. A crush on Jaiden?” He physically paused for a bit before awkwardly laughing. “No, sweetie, you don’t get jealous of your crush, you get jealous of the people they’re with!”

“That’s why I’m asking. Why would I have a crush on Jaiden?”

…Why does the air feel colder all of a sudden? 

The night was warm just a minute ago, but now it’s dead like the core of winter. His smile is long gone. His eyes, they’re slicing me in half. Is my breathing a little faster? He’s coming closer. I’m suddenly aware of just how alone we really are here in this silent little street. 

“To be clear. Who are you jealous of.”

My throat clogged up. I blinked and lowered my eyes so he wouldn’t see the tears being fought back. I forgot this side of him, too. The side that made my heart close in on itself.

“Salena, don’t make me ask twice.”

“Of you.” I managed to let out. “J-jealous of you.”

He wouldn’t speak for a while. Only felt him staring me down like a predator stalking its prey, making me swallow to keep my throat from drying up. My hands felt so clammy, begging me to wipe them on my skirt. But I didn’t dare move. I couldn’t even look at him right now.

“Of fucking course you are.”

I knew it was coming, but I still flinched when he cursed with no shame, tugging his hair and punching the wall next to me. It’s stupid, isn’t it? I can handle giant mutants and a literal cult of evil, but Zane’s temper was not something to be messed with, and my unlucky ass did exactly that.

“Why did I ever expect anything different! Of course it’s me you’re jealous of! Why the fuck would you phrase it like that if you meant something else, god dammit!”

You’re gonna bleed if you keep doing that…

“Z-Zane, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it’d come off as me being jealous of Jaiden—“

“OBVIOUSLY, IT FUCKING WOULD!!!” He grabbed my shoulders, bringing me closer to him. I don’t know if it’d be an exaggeration to say I nearly got a panic attack from the action alone. 

“When you say things like how you’re jealous of how much time Jaiden and I spend together, of course I think you’re jealous of them, not me! Why would I ever assume it was me! That never happens with anyone else! God, you’re such a fucking moron sometimes, I swear!” 

“I'm sorry… P-please stop…”

“After everything we’ve fucking been through, everything I did for you! All you can ever do is somehow relate me back to Jaiden! There’s always someone else! I mean nothing to you, Salena! Don’t I!? I! Mean! Nothing!”

“I-I didn’t mean to, I promise—”

“THAT DOESN’T MATTER, IDIOT!”

He let go and pushed me back. Sometimes I overlook how much bigger Zane is compared to me. This is not one of those times. 

“You know what? You know what’s funny, Salena? That night you’re so fucking fixated on, the one that’s consumed your ability to even think like a normal person? Yeah, I’ve got some news about that night.” 

I just want to disappear…

“I asked Jaiden to go with me to that shitty party on purpose!”

…

What?

“I asked them on purpose, I posted those pictures on purpose! I did everything ‘cause I knew you’d see it! I thought maybe then, for once, you’d finally, finally feel a single ounce of longing for me! That was all I wanted!”

What.

“…You better be lying, Zane.”

“I’m not. And you deserve this.”

I glared at him the entire time while he was too focused on his own bullshit words to even notice. My arms burned with the sensation of my nails digging deeper and deeper. I hope they'll draw blood.

“You don’t understand, Salena! You keep saying all these… all these stupid fucking things that no one else says to me! Do you know what it does to me? If I had my way, I’d hold you forever and never let you go. No one’s shown me kindness like you.”  I was so numb I couldn’t even react to him caressing my cheek. Only kept glaring. 

“But then you barely ever give me the time of day! You’re barely ever with me! Fuck, honestly, you’re never with me anymore! I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s not like you to say one thing and do another! You’re not that type of two-faced asshole! So why are you fucking acting like one!? Ever since that day you went to ‘hang out’ with that stupid drugged-out bitch you called a friend, you’ve never been the fucking same! With the way you act, I wouldn’t be fucking surprised if you got addicted and stay on the high 24/7!”

He’s… Is he talking about Mikey? That’s what this is about? Is he fucking serious right now.

“Who are you!? Where is my Salena?” 

“Did you know Jaiden and I had plans that day?”

“No, I didn’t. I’m not stupid, I wasn’t gonna go that far. I wanted you to get a taste of what it felt to not be chosen, that’s it! Obviously, it was dumb to think it would work!” The dumb bitch sighed, exasperated. As if he had any right to be. “Seems you don’t have room for me in that big heart of yours after all, huh? Maybe I’m a dick for saying this, but it’s honestly karma that I happened to choose the one day you two were gonna hang out. That’s gotta be a sign, Salena.”

You never get the fucking hint, do you Zane Evans?

“I need to go.”

I couldn’t even get two steps in before he gripped my wrist to stop me.

“Wait, what do you mean go? Go where?”

“I meant exactly what I said! I’ve had enough. Now let go of me.”

I yanked my arm back and stormed off, Zane following close behind. At least, judging from the sound he was. I didn’t bother looking back. 

“Hey! Your place is in the opposite direction!”

“Stop following me, I can go wherever I want!”

“Salena, seriously!? It’s already late, you’re gonna get lost! Come on, are you really that pissed off—”

“YES!!!”

I turned my heel and faced him.

“How are you even unsure of that!? You got upset I hung out with someone else for one day—a person I made plans with in advance, might I add—and you decided to take revenge on me!? Do you have any clue how fucked up that is!?”

“I got a little mad! So what? You’ve known me for two years! Stop overreacting about a harmless dig!”

“Harmless!? You have no idea what I’ve gone through this past month because of your little ‘harmless’ stunt! I’ve suffered so much because of you! I can’t even sleep because of you! God, sometimes you’re so—Ugh!”

I began counting down from ten to one, just like Raph taught. I shouldn’t say something I’ll regret later. Honestly, I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

He looked like a sad puppy. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting this. But somehow, my sympathy won’t halt my anger tonight.

“Salena, I… Look, I didn’t know you’d be so sensitive over this—“

“Zane, I really need to leave. I’m sorry I exploded like that, but it’s gonna happen again if I stay here any longer. So please, just stop following me. Hurting you would add more shit to my plate and I really don’t need that right now, okay?” 

“N-no! Stay! I can make it up to you!”

“Another day, any day, but not now! Not now.”

I walked away and this time he didn’t follow. 

“…Fine.”

I heard his footsteps stomp in the other direction, slowly fading away.

My own legs went faster till the wind consumed me. 

The anger returned almost instantly after I knew he left. I’m happy I kept my cool during the end back there but holy fucking shit! What was he thinking!? I wanted answers tonight but I didn’t expect this! I thought I was overthinking again! I thought my brain made up the possibility that they ditched me intentionally! But no, turns out it wasn’t just Jaiden but Zane, too! What the fuck did I do to them? What did he mean I “deserved it”!? 

I don’t get it, what is he expecting me to do? I know he… feels a certain way about me. But even then! I can’t just shit romantic feelings for him out my ass! 

Ugh, so fucking stupid. I’m gonna lose my head if I keep thinking about this.

I wandered around the city some more and got back to the main road where a good handful of cars were passing again. It’s past 1am now and I’ve gotta get ready for school in less than five hours. But I know damn well I won’t sleep, not after this. I don’t wanna go home. Take me anywhere but home. I don’t feel like facing any of this right now, I…

I want somewhere I can feel safe for a while, just so the day won’t end on such a horrible note.

I pulled out my phone and opened the contacts. I wish I was one of those folks who didn’t have to think of someone before they dialed but alas, here I am. 

I can’t talk to Jaiden. 

I obviously can’t talk to Zane.

I don’t know if I can tell Casey any of this yet.

I’d love to talk to April but she’s probably asleep by now. But… but the guys might not be! They’re usually up at these sort of freakish hours of the night. I could try giving the group chat a call and hope for the best. I feel bad for bothering them so often but who else do I have right now?

It took three rings before the line went through.

“You are conversing with Donatell—Why is your screen so dark?” 

Oh fucking lovely.

“H-hey, Donnie. Sorry, I didn’t realize it was a video call.”

As my luck would have it, Donnie was the one to pick up. No offense to him; he never did anything wrong. I’m just not entirely sure how he feels about me yet. So, having him answer when I’m already high on nerves isn’t what I pictured hoping for the best would result in. But he’s much, much better than being alone right now.

“Uh, what… Whatcha up to?”

“Oh, simply being my usual genius self to aid with our nightly hero duties! Sure, no regular teenager could detect a break-in on sensitive confidential info before the actual government could, but I, Othello Von Ryan, have proven to be no regular teen!” 

“Yep, definitely the usual for you.” 

Donnie’s def no less than Leo when it comes to being allergic to humility. Though, they both earned their egos. Donnie’s not wrong; not just any person could be nearly as smart as him.

“So, did you need anything fixed? You’re calling at a rather unusual hour for a school night.” 

“Oh, no, not really. I mean, I was kinda out with a friend, but things… ended abruptly. I don’t really feel like sleeping right now. I wanted some company?” 

He opened his mouth to respond but got interrupted by a familiar accent asking who was on the phone. The instant my name left his voice, three others repeated it with joy. My screen suddenly overflowed with four green goofballs all trying to fit in the camera’s scope at once.

“SALENA! How are you? How come you’re not asleep? Don’t you have school tomorrow?”

“Mikey, it’s Salena, it’s way too early for them to sleep.”

“Wow, Leo, anyone ever tell you how funny you are?” My words didn’t match my tone. I wonder why.

“Leo, let ‘er breathe!” The camera shook as a red bandana came into frame. “Hey, but for real. Why you up so late, Salena? Somethin’ up?”

“Nah, just couldn’t sleep! I thought I’d call you guys for a bit, but from the sounds of it, y’all seem kinda busy.” 

The camera moved again as the device got transferred to the next turtle. “Give me my—Ugh, there we go. And yes, you’re correct. We are actually busy with a mission tonight.” 

I tried keeping my smile intact as I understandingly nodded my head. Is he mad at me for assuming they were free the exact moment I needed them to be? I mean, I’d be mad at me, so it’d make sense.

“Hey, but you know what?” Leo leaned next to Donnie, trying to see the screen. “You should totally join us! Tag along, have some fun, we’d all love that!”

You would?

“What? Nardo, what are you—“

“OMIGOSH, YEAH!” Mikey jumped in, knocking Donnie out of frame entirely. “If you’re not gonna sleep, we should totally hang out! I really miss you, Salena!” 

“Uh, am I really the only one thinking it would be a bad idea to let the person who barely leaves their house join us on a mission to a highly-secured and regulated government facility?”

“Chillax, Don, she’ll be fine! You’ll be fine, right Salena?”

“I mean, uh—” 

“See? What’d I tell ya, totally fine!” 

“Raph agrees! Salena can handle herself.” 

“Oh sure, I’m absolutely positive nothing could go wrong! He said without a trace of doubt.”

…I can’t tell if he’s trying to protect me or just doesn’t want me there. Neither option feels good right now, to be honest.

“C’mon, Dee, we’ve all seen her fight before! Including you, remember? When they helped us stop Meat Sweats?”

 Mikey’s got a point. That was before I had any real battle experience, too! I don’t know why Donnie seems so hesitant about this. Or why it’s making me so pissy, actually.

Another car passed by and I lowered the volume a bit, remembering the time. Now that I’m actually near some apartments, I don’t wanna accidentally wake someone up. I really gotta save up for some new earbuds; my last ones broke like, a month ago and I can only make do for so long.

“Three to one, hermano. You’re outnumbered.”

“But—Sigh, forget it! Salena, I—“

“‘NOUGH SMALL TALK!” At this point, they’re just playing hot potato with Donnie’s phone. “Salena, hurry up! We’re boutta start the mission so don’t want ya missin’ out!”

“Ha! Almost made a pun!”

“Shut up, Leo. Anyways, we’re at uh… Uh… Hey, Donnie, where we at?” 

I could hear him struggling for his phone in the distance. “You could just send our coordinates!”

“I could send her our coordinates! …How does Raph do that, again?”

The audio muffled as the phone shuffled back to its rightful owner. “God, I’m so gonna install security on this thing. Anyway, I’m sending our location to you right now. And as I was GOING TO SAY BEFORE! Salena, I look forward to seeing you again.”

He flashed a smile and part of my worries vanished. I’m still not sure how to read him but if he’s being nice, it can’t be all bad, right?

“OH, AND IF YA CAN, COULD YOU BRING ME A SNACK—“ Donnie hung up before the teddy bear could finish.

Luckily for him, his face beamed when I finally arrived around twenty minutes later and did, in fact, bring him a snack. 

“Hey guys! Hope I didn’t take—“

I couldn’t even finish speaking before finding myself laughing on the floor with four giant turtles hounding me in hugs. 

“It has been way too long since we’ve hugged!” Poor Mikey, I haven’t been able to see him in a hot minute. “Nice ponytail, by the way. Really makes your eyes pop.”

“Aww, thanks! I missed you guys too. Ugh, I really wish scheduling was easier! I’d hang out more often.” 

“Dude, why waste time on schedules when you could just come over?”

“‘Xactly! Ain’t like you’re not welcome!”

“Oh. I-I mean, sure! If you guys really don’t have a problem with it…” I wonder if this is what it’s like to feel wanted.

“I just wanted you to get a taste of what it felt to not be chosen!”

…T-then again, they’re probably just being polite.

Click!

“And fits perfectly, just as the estimations foretold!” The fuck? 

I looked down and saw a shiny black belt matching the arm wraps now resting above my hips. It’s actually fairly loose around my waist but I’m guessing that was the intention. There’s a giant pink button on the left with the same M-shaped logo as all of theirs. It looked super cool, honestly! Even seemed to match with my outfit!

“Woaaah, what is this thing?”

“Donnie. Really?” Leo didn’t sound impressed and neither did the others but, like, who cares! The belt’s dope as hell!

He ignored them and continued addressing me. “It basically functions both as your very own panic button and is a carrier for your sickles thanks to a highly specific magnetic attraction! Plus, it obviously helps tie in your outfit better ‘cause Great Galileo did you need some accessories.”

“Damn, I didn’t know my sickles were magnetic!”

“Oh, they weren’t before, I installed magnets in them last night.” With that, he pulled my fucking weapons seemingly out of his ass. Judging by everyone else’s groans though, I’m the only one who’s surprised and confused.

“Donald! What did we say about breaking into strangers’ homes!” 

“Hey, I didn’t break in!… to a stranger’s home! I broke into Salena’s, Salena is not a stranger—OW, HEY!” Raph slapped the back of his head. One quick yet dramatic recovery later, we all began our route of sneaking into the building. 

Security wasn’t monitoring the higher floors, so we only had to ninja our way up ‘till there and the rest was easy peasy. I tried focusing on the quick briefing I was receiving on the way up but my mind was admittedly elsewhere. Back to the weird situation I thought I dreamt up last night.

I don’t remember much. I was too tired to really register anything, and Donnie being a ninja probably enhanced that. But I do remember still hearing faint footsteps in my room; drawers being opened, the closet getting browsed. I was so out of it I figured I probably hallucinated everything. Either way, I was way too paralyzed to do anything; I couldn’t even put my phone back earlier. Kept passing in and out of consciousness. But it seemed like someone put it back for me. They helped my sloppy body into a position that wouldn’t leave me aching the next morning and pulled the covers up to tuck me in. What really sealed the whole dream theory to me was the metallic-textured “hand” that patted my head before they left and let the world return to tranquility.

I seriously did figure it was all a weird fever dream or some shit. Personally, I still feel like that’s more believable than it being Donnie all along. But staring down at my sickles, I guess I can’t really argue against the proof right in front of me. 

“Gentlemen, here we are! The Techno Cosmic Research Institute! Otherwise known as”—the door opened as I returned back to present time—“The TCRI.”

The moon illuminated the flat, revealing that we were in a main lobby of some sorts. Huge and spacious, decorated with different plants I’m sure Zane would’ve gone crazy over. 

…I shouldn’t think about him right now.

It was a huge and spacious lobby full of plants. The windows that were tinted from the outside now presented a full view of the city skyline. Doors were carved into the walls, transitioning to the other rooms. Some, like the several meeting rooms, were made with glass so I could vaguely make out the interior from here. Others were blocked by heavy, solid, metal doors, holding whatever secrets the government had behind them.

I felt strange setting foot in this place, like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Well, I guess we are breaking and entering, but it’s not that. It’s something else, something I can’t quite explain. Unrelated to the guys but personal to me. I feel I’m not wanted for a reason I’m not yet aware of. It’s freaking me out a little. 

“So, what do the Purple Dragons want with this place again?”

“Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. I only caught a break-in to the system in general and tracked it back to Kendra, I don’t have info on what they’re trying to gain access to. Whatever it is, though, it has an impressively tight security system that’s nearly impossible to break! At least, not through their simple B-tier remote hacking.”

“If the Purple Dragons want it, then it’s gotta be something major.” I’ve known about them for a while thanks to April. 

It kinda shocked me at first, not because a group of teens created a tech-smart gang but because April O’Neil was a loser to someone. Call me a little biased—and you’d be right—but I still think Kendra’s got rocks for brains if she ignores someone like April. 

But that’s a mental essay for another day. Right now, Leo’s smirking. And if Leo’s smirking, things will either go amazingly well or horrifically wrong. 

“So… If we’re already here, why don’t we just figure out what they want ourselves?”

Mikey propped his chin up on Leo’s shoulder. “You mean like, go and explore? Sounds rad to me!”

“Yeah! Sneak around, let Donnie do his nerdy smart people stuff and see what’s so great about this place, yeah?” 

“Invade the privacy of our nation’s government and scavenge for confidential data!? Nardo, I love you!”

“Raph? Your call, buddy.”

He was shockingly quick to shrug. “Sure! Raph don’t see a problem with it. Sounds hella fun to me!”

“Uh, guys?” I raised my hand. “Isn’t this, like, highly illegal?” 

“And?” They all said in unison. To be fair, legal doesn’t sound like them anyway. 

“What are they gonna do? Arrest us?” His hand circled in front of his blue bandana.

“And don’t worry, you won’t get in trouble for anything that happens! Donnie can get rid of the evidence and no one will know you were here, right Dee?” Mikey shot a wink at Donnie.

“Affirmative!” 

Dang, Mikey’s made a lot of good points tonight. 

“Eh, you’re right. To hell with laws!” Passing up an opportunity to explore a space institution would be laughably unlike me, anyway! 

We decided to split up and meet back at the main lobby in fifteen, assuming the Purple Dragons hadn't arrived by then. It’s kind of scary wandering on my own in this place. It still feels off to me, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted so desperately to walk through a facility like this. Fascinating space research, meeting after meeting to discuss whatever new breakthrough was made, access to a shit ton of databases and technologies I’ll never have the chance to use at home!? Everything about this place is perfect! It’s all I dreamed it to be. 

So why won’t that damn feeling go away?

Whatever, it’s probably just tonight in general. I really, really, need to get over it and move on already or else I’m guaranteed to fuck up the whole mission.

I sighed and glanced down at my arm wraps, raising them to get a better look. Despite my flip-floppy mood, I couldn’t help but smile. It’s dorky but they do comfort me every now and then. They felt nice to wear and even looking at them made me all fuzzy and nostalgic. They feel like an older me even though I got them recently. 

“I take it you liked them, then.” 

His voice startled me, I thought everyone went their own ways but I guess Donnie was nearby. 

“Yeah, I do! The belt, too, they’re really cool gifts! Thank you.” He lit up when he heard those magic words. Man, I can’t believe I forgot to thank him sooner. Poor guy was probably aching for some feedback.

“I-I actually always wondered how you made them. They feel really sturdy but like, it’s not heavy to wear, either, if that makes sense.”

“Oh yeah, totally!” He typed on the screen on his arm, booting up the scanning feature to make sure we didn’t miss anything. “It’s an intentional design choice. They are supposed to act as armor, so.”

“Woah, cool! Do they count as tactical gear? As in military grade and all that jazz?”

“What? No, that’s not even good quality, that’s just a buzzword. Military grade simply means they met the minimum stated requirements at the lowest unit price.”

“…”

“…Low budget, few money, lead to mid product, good enough for gullible minds and general public consumption.” 

Ohhhh. “So they lied.”

“As per usual. It’s shit engineering in actuality.”

I pushed open one of the meeting rooms’ glass doors as Donnie’s shell held up a bright torch. We began scouting the area for anything interesting while continuing our talk. All this investigative work’s reminding me of April and the way she’d gush about doing the same. Completely understanding the appeal now; it feels so thrilling snooping around somewhere you’re not supposed to be! Especially when the law’s involved.

The room wasn’t anything unordinary. It looked like any other corporate meeting room. The long table leading to the small TV on the wall, decorative paintings and plants, the usual. Man, we probably should’ve gone into a more interesting—“OW!”

“…Watch your step.” He said after I already fell to my knees.

“Thanks for the very useful warning. What even was that?”

He shined the light closer to a… metal? No, definitely not entirely metal. A robot arm sloppily plopped on the floor. We couldn’t see what the arm was attached to, if it was attached to anything at all. It’s too long to trace back with the torch light from where we are. One thing’s for sure, though: It’s giant. The claw I tripped over is practically the same size as my head. 

“Hmm…” He crouched closer to the arm, slowly inspecting it. “Weird. It looks like it’s made of some cheap plastic. Perhaps a prototype of some sorts.”

“I don’t think they’d make it this big if it was a prototype.” Maybe we could do a test to see what type of plastic it is. “You got any fire?”

“While I see your angle and would love to carry through that experiment, it’s probably not wise to burn something we don’t know the purpose of. Or, you know, alert the security of our presence from the alarms.”

“Yeah, fair…” Man, would’ve been hella fun, though. 

We both stayed on the floor, a little stumped on what the hell this thing was. My eyes got bored after a while and wandered around the room again. The only interesting thing in here was this weird ass plastic arm, it’s pretty much useless looking around the room but it did keep me entertained. There were five plants in this room which explains the fresh smell, all of them were basic enough for me to recognize. Two zebra plants, a ponytail palm, and…

I ignored the plant on the table when I spotted something thin underneath it, hidden by the shadows. I think it’s a slip of paper?

Donnie’s sigh brought my attention back. “You know what, I’m gonna go to their computer lab to see if one of their databases has anything about this thing.”

“Aight, I’ll stay back and keep exploring. Good luck!”

Right as he left, I sped over to the mysterious paper, unable to contain my curiosity any longer. The table was tall enough for me to comfortably sit under, leaning over the paper on the floor to read it. It’s, coincidentally enough, about that puzzling arm. The incomplete text made it clear it was probably part of a stack of paper or a file and fell out. Sadly, it didn’t reveal much but what I could get out of it was that it’s an automated arm controlled by an AI system, mostly covered with polypropylene plastic. Heh, PP plastic. Oh, it was created for the purpose of security. Well that’s just fantastic. I should go warn the boys about it.

I quickly snapped a pic of the loose sheet, almost getting out from under the table.

…But I’m glad as hell I didn’t.

I heard it. A soft, mechanical hum as something slithered off the ground. I grabbed my sickles from their belt, trying to minimize my shaking. It took a few blinks and tries but I managed to turn invisible, watching the machine move through the darkness. How was it suddenly on?

Its movements were smooth and natural. Too natural for something meant to be robotic. It’s so eerily graceful, slithering through the air. The arm swiveled its claw around like an animal head checking its surroundings. It… It’s looking where I am. It’s looking at me. It shouldn’t be able to see me, I’m not supposed to be visible! But it won’t stop staring.

”FUCK!” I shrieked when it lunged at me, quickly slicing it before it could grab me. Thank god it’s just plastic… Why the fuck is it hollow? 

That doesn’t make any sense! Shouldn’t there be wiring or something? Even if not to connect the AI, how the hell can it move like that without anything to mimic muscle!? 

I gasped, turning my head to the side. I can hear something else. It’s gooey and mushy and… 

It’s looping around the room.

It’s getting louder.

”W-what the hell?”

…I think I can see it now. Something solid but stretchy, resembling thick vines climbing up the plastic arm. I backed up, watching as it crawled over to the newly severed claw. It pulled the claw back to its other half and tightened around them. It glowed? A sickeningly blinding green color. Before I realized what was going on, the claw suddenly reattached as the vines slinked back into the darkness. 

It saw me again and the chase resumed. 

It’s so damn fast, I can barely outrun it! Dodging is saving my ass but it keeps knocking over any furniture I used against it! 

I jumped when I heard Donnie from the comms. Wait, he installed comms on my arm wraps? Damn, I'm so frazzled, I forgot about those.

“What’s making all that racket? Everything okay over there?”

”You can hear that!?”

”Yeah, I’m literally right next door?”

”Well—SHIT!” Too fucking close, too fucking close! It almost fucking grabbed me! Fuck, my knees hurt from that! “SON OF A—Don’t worry, I can handle it! I’ll explain soon!”

I tried getting off the floor as quickly as possible but the claw pulled me back down. The four sharp grippers opened up like a mouth and a fucking chainsaw came out. It went straight for my head, life flashing before my eyes as my sickles blocked it by pure reflex, holding it back. It won’t back off! I can’t keep pushing forever! How the hell do I get out of this!?

“FIBONACCI!” 

A spinning titanium blur whacked the arm back, grabbing its attention to the maniacally smiling turtle now dashing through the room. His arm reached out, grabbing his staff from mid-air, and chopped off the robot arm with a giant drill. I curled in on myself right before a bright, violet shield spread over me and kept the arm’s falling metal parts from landing on me.

“You know, that did not seem like ‘handling it’.” 

My vision cleared to his hand offering to help me up. I’m suddenly getting deja vu from the other countless times my helpless damsel-wannabe ass needed a rescue. Panicked and guilt-ridden, I waved it off and got up on my own. 

“We gotta get outta here right now!”

“What? Why? I already—”

The vines returned and began repeating their process of fixing the arm. Though this time, it seems to be going faster.

“Oh my banana pancakes! What is that!?”

“I don’t know but that’s why we’re leaving! Come on!”

I grabbed his hand and we ran out the room, running into the others in the main lobby.

”Leo! There’s—”

“Crazy killer robot arms, we know. Was just in the middle of talking about that, actually.” He gave a glance of disapproval to the pouting red giant next to Mikey. Who also looks hella annoyed. It would appear we’ve walked in on a teensy squabble. 

I heard Donnie sigh beside me “Raph, please tell me you didn’t.” He left my clueless ass standing there to join in on their talk.

Wait—Oh god, not again!

Turning around, I grabbed my sickles. I heard it again. Managed to dodge just in time for its jab to my right. It seems the guys are too busy to notice and I really don’t wanna burden them again. I’ll solo this one!

“When I said we should go explore, I didn’t mean go ‘round pushing things! We’re in a government building, why would you touch anything!?”

I heard another hit coming and blocked it with the blade. 

Yeah, I-I can totally take this! I should let them finish their conversation—Holy fuck, there’s more than one, fucking end my suffering already. 

”I didn’t mean to! You guys know I got a weak spot, what was I supposed to do? If they didn’t want Raph to push the big, red button, maybe they shouldn’t make it big ‘n red!” 

“Buddy, that’s not how that works and you know that.”

There’s three of them now and they’re so unreasonably fast! It’s so hard to keep up! Ugh, it almost feels like I am being punished after all. 

My accidental yelp luckily got drowned by Mikey’s groan. “Man, just let it go! We can smell your ‘I know I fucked up but don’t wanna admit it ‘cause I’m the big brother’ stench!”

”THAT’S A DIFFERENT STENCH!”

”AHH!” 

I really didn’t mean to blurt that out but the claw dug into my leg and yanked me off the ground! Guilt aside, it’s probably a good thing I caught their attention, especially since I dropped my sickles like a fucking moron!

“SALENA!” His sword slashed through the air but got promptly blocked and thrown back by another metal claw. A scary amount of them are showing up now! The guys are completely surrounded and I’m stuck useless, dangling in the air!

One of the arms came closer and opened its grippers, a scanner popping out this time, its red beam blinding my eyes. My breathing grew shallow, the commotion from below fading away. I’m getting lightheaded from being suspended upside down. I need to get out of this situation. But there’s nothing I can do. Just squint past the light and anxiously wait for its next move. 

My ears burned from the claw’s monstrous shriek. It sounds like a fucking animalistic version of nails on a chalkboard! Why did it react to me like this? Why me? Aren’t we all intruders? Why is it just me!?

“You deserve this.”

Was he right?

I didn’t process getting swung in the air until I was let go with enough momentum to cause a crash through the decor. My arms shook as I tried lifting my body up. Everything hurts, everything fucking hurts! My ears, my arms, my legs! My head! I just wanted a little distraction tonight! Why is this happening?

Is this really my karma?

…Wait a sec.

When I managed to lift my head, I came face to face with a crack in the wall where the robot arms were emerging from. The vines I saw earlier turned out to be permanently merged with the arms at the roots and lead to… something behind the wall. The crack was too small to properly make much out but it looked like it was breathing?

Whatever, I don’t have time to be surprised. “Guys! The arms! They’re coming from over here!” 

The crack’s small but just big enough for something slim! Like—

The claw dug into my leg once again and began dragging me away. “Leo! Donnie! One of your weapons can fit through!” 

“Got it!”

“I’ll cover!”

Flashes of blue scattered around the lobby. Each portal and throw of his sword brought Leo closer and closer to the wall. I couldn’t watch for too long, though, as I found myself back in the air again. It froze my skin getting thrown across the room faster than before. This time, towards the glass windows. 

Chains grabbed at my ankle and yanked me back to the ground away from my disastrous fate. I looked up to see the tangerine flashing a confident yet relieved smile at me. “Hey!”

“…Hey!” 

Mystic metal clinked as Mikey pulled back some of the robot arms chasing after Leo to buy him more time. Raph and Donnie quickly shifted gears and guarded me to make sure the plastic freaks couldn’t grab me again. Mikey continued to aid Leo, bouncing all over the room, keeping the arms distracted with his flow and somehow, still bringing them back to where he originally stood: Away from Leo. 

Finally, a sword was heard stabbing through the air and splashing through a soft, squishy substance. The arms dropped to the floor as the thing in the wall hissed in pain, slowly leading to the dreadfully awaited silence at last.

Mikey reached his hand out for me and pulled me up. “You good?”

“Not dead, yeah.” 

“Guess that’s a start.”

I glanced to the side at Donnie staring blankly at me, confused until he walked over and held one of my arms to examine my wrap. 

“Hmm, I wonder if there’s some modification I can do to your gloves that prevents your sickles from getting so easily lost.” I guess that’s why he was staring a minute ago. 

“Honestly, that’d be great. I keep losing them, so…”

“Yeah, I was thinking—“ 

“Nerd-talk later! Do a med scan!” Leo shoved him out the way and accidentally knocked Mikey back. Didn’t seem like he noticed since he immediately started checking me for injuries. I don’t even know when he got here?

Donnie sighed but went through with it anyway, tapping on his wrist as he checked my vitals. “No broken bones, no internal bleeding, nothing too concerning to report thankfully. Salena, do you feel alright?” 

“Mhm! Just some scratches here and there but I’ll live.” 

“Just some scratches, hm? You forgettin’ something?” Leo pointed down to my horrifically bruised and bloody leg. Whoops.

“…I-I’ll still live.”

While Leo took care of bandaging my leg, the rest of us spent the next few minutes catching our breaths. Mikey laid on the floor, limbs starfished out, while Donnie was texting April and catching her up to speed. I can only imagine how devastated she’d be in the morning, finding out she missed all this action. It’d have been nice having her here, honestly. 

Raph wasn’t near us, though. He stood by the wall where the once-breathing specimen was at. He kept peeking through the crack, rubbing his arm and looking hesitant about something.

“Raph?” My voice prompted the others to turn their attention to him.

“…Nobody else wonderin’ what the hell this thing could be? I know we’re only here to stop the Purple Dinos—“

“That’s Purple Dragons, Raphala.”

“—Whatever! But really, guys! After all that, we just gonna head home and forget about it?” 

He’s not wrong.

Come to think of it, this place is government funded. There should be no reason why some foreign entity exists in a place like the TCRI. They’re supposed to do space research and nothing else. That’s what they’re paid for.

“You know what?” Donnie turned his phone off. “I could work on hacking through their system myself. I don’t know if it’ll prove successful, but I can try.”

I felt Mikey’s head drop on my shoulder. He sure loves doing that. “What do we do about the vine thingies?” 

“Well, we can’t just—“ Leo paused, making eye contact with Raph. They shared a smirk and nodded.

“You thinkin’ what thinkin’ big bro?”

He chuckled, punching his fists together. “You bet!”

A bright red aura surrounded his figure as his arm reeled back and locked the sais in his hands.

“POWER PUNCH JUTSU!!!”

My body staggered as the ground shook upon impact, the dust clearing to reveal the tiny gap in the wall is suddenly a giant ass hole now.

“Man, y’all really don’t give a shit about government property, do ya?” 

“Nope. But hey! It was def the right choice!” Raph’s snaggletooth gleamed through his mischievous smile.

The five of us stared through the hole, trying to comprehend the oversized specimen in front of us. It was a pulsing, yellow-green thing in the shape of a tall tube, wider on the top than the bottom. There were reddish lines on it zigzagging up and down almost like veins. It was punctured at its middle, caused by the blade of the katana that shot right through it a few moments ago. 

“Ya know, it kind of resembles a plant. Which would explain the mystery vines, actually.”

“What plant, then? Ain’t no plant Raph knows of that throbs.”

He shook his head with a light shrug. “Sadly, I am not sure. It looks a little like a pitcher plant but also not really? They shouldn’t be luminescent or have vines emerging out like that. And also the throbbing, of course.” 

Pitcher plant, ay? I’ve heard of that. They’re my favorite out of all the carnivorous jungle plants Zane rambled about once. Plants were actually one of the first things we had a genuine bond over, even if I’m pretty clueless about them. The way his eyes lit up when talking about them with so much love and adoration just melted me.

His eyes…

His godforsaken eyes…

“Salena?”

“Huh?” How long have I been spaced out?

“You sure you’re good? You seemed kinda out of it just now.” I forgot how close Mikey was to me, I should be more careful.

“Yeah, it’s nothing.”

“Really? ‘Cause lowkey, you’ve been off all night. I didn’t wanna say anything but…”

“Oh, no, no, I’m—“

“Actually, you did mention something happened between you and your friend earlier, remember? Before you called me.” This violet ass motherfucker did not just erm actually me at the worst time ever.

“That what this about, big man? Had another fight with your friend?” Why is everyone suddenly focused on me!?

“N-Not the same one! This is someone different, I promise! T-that’s not to say I have a problem with everyone! I just… Um…” Great going, Salena! Now they’ll think you’re just insufferable and incapable of friendship! “I-I don’t think we should be—Well, we kinda have worse issues to worry about, don’t we?”

“Kendra and her yes-men ain’t here yet. What I wanna know is why you’re so spacey tonight! Dr. Feelings can’t help if he can’t know!”

“It’s nothing! N-nothing too bad, at least. He just—A-actually, it was really mostly me so um… It’s hard to explain exactly…”

Geez, my palms are annoyingly sweaty. I really don’t wanna give them the wrong idea, it was just one fight! It’s not a representation of our entire relationship! But I know from experience any time I try talking about Zane to someone, they end up hating him and I don’t want that! Fuck, I should’ve been more careful. My stupid tongue-tied gibberish ain’t helping the situation, either!

My shoulders flinched when I saw Leo stand in front of me, hand on his hip as he faced towards his brothers. “Okay, hermanos, give her some space! Stop smothering! I know we’re all worried, I’m worried too, but if Salena doesn’t wanna talk, they shouldn’t be forced to.”

The others finally piped down. None of them looked happy about it—understandably so—but it seemed Leo was able to convince them to drop it, anyway. I really owe him one. 

He peeked over his shoulder to glance back at me. “If you do wanna talk about something, though, we’re here for you.” 

…It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t see how it’d help anything— 

CRASH!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH SURPRISES FOR ONE NIGHT!?

“Good going, Jase. Real quiet of you.”

All of us, equally tense and gripping our weapons to stand guard, took a solid minute to process that the loud crash wasn’t another dumbass robot-plant-arm thing, but instead was Kendra and the other two stumbling through the main door they hacked open. Speak of the dragons and they arrive, I suppose.

She looked over at us and her sharp eyes drooped lower. “Of course.” 

I only ever knew Kendra before tonight, none of the other members. Hate her guts since she’s forever engraved as April’s bully in my mind and doesn’t seem to have changed. Her movements and mannerisms still match the coy, conniving person I remember her to be, walking over in such a smug, superior way that screams “greater than thou”. Once, back when they were still in high school, April had a mini breakdown due to college applications kicking her ass. She was struggling and stressing over not getting accepted into a good amount of her options and believed she’d have to rely solely on her safeties at that point. Kendra really rubbed it in. Wouldn’t shut up about it, demeaning her for being a failure. 

April knows damn well to never take Kendra seriously. However, it’s not a surprise those words still stung considering how stupidly frightening the whole college process is. Joke’s on Kendra, though. One of April’s main choices that had her wait-listed ended up accepting her in! As for Kendra? All hypocritical bark, no bite it seems. 

“Hello, Von Ryan. How’s life?”

“Good, good. How about you, enjoying your—what’d you call it? ‘Intellectual freedom’?” 

“Low blow even for you. You guys couldn’t fuck around here with your little toys another night?” She scoffed and rolled her eyes, her arms crossed over her chest. Her gaze drifted towards me as her brows furrowed more. 

“Who’s that—Hold up. You… Yeah, I remember you!” She’s doing that annoying fake-nice tone she uses sometimes, the one that makes me wanna punch her in the face. “You’re that idiot kid April wouldn’t shut up about tutoring last year! What’s a teacher’s pet like you doing here?”

Mikey gasped and covered my ears like a parent to a toddler witnessing sailor-speak. “Hey! Don’t you dare talk about our friend like that!” 

I honestly couldn’t care less what Kendra says about me. Personally, I’m more focused on the other two, right now. It’s my first time ever seeing them, I think Donnie said their names were Jason and Jeremy? They’ve been pretty quiet so far, standing at her side and smirking like Saturday-morning cartoon lackeys. One of them had a large, blocky figure, dark skin, and dyed green hair. His gold visor looked pretty cool, I’ll admit. The other—I could guess from his hunched demeanor alone—was definitely their token punching bag. He’s got these awkward gloves that are way too big for his hands. Dark eyes, short, black hair, and round… glasses…

NO FUCKING WAY!

“YOU—HIM! OH MY GOD! NOOOO, NO-NO-NO-NO! NO! NO!” Ain’t no motherfucking way this bitch is who I think he is, this has to be a prank! It has to! For the sake of my sanity! Oh, but it isn't! It’s fucking real!

“...Salena? You doin’ okay?” The others looked concerned at my sudden and dramatic outlash. Fucking of course, Donnie and Mikey wouldn’t know! Jason still had the bag over his head when he was around them! Fuck, why didn’t I just take it off right there!?

“Jason! That asshole was who we saved from Meatsweats a few months ago!”

Raph and Leo looked just as lost as before. Mikey and Donnie, on the other hand, went pale with shock.

“That was you!?” Donnie’s staff pointed directly at the fucker. “Why didn’t you say anything!? I know you recognized my voice!” 

“I can’t believe Salena and I interrupted a perfectly nice day to save you of all folks! You ruined our lovely little ice cream date, dawg!”

“I was being kidnapped by a pig monster? Why would I reveal I’m a rival when you were the only help I had?”

“And yet, here you are, the very reason we’re stuck in this creepy facility, preventing you three from illegally accessing information and doing who knows what with it even though you now owe us one, YOU UNGRATEFUL MENACE!”

Before I could fix my brain enough to join in on justifiably shaming the idiot, I noticed Leo and Raph exchanging confused glances at each other.

“...What the hell is going on?”

“Raph don’t know.” They both looked at me for answers because the universe hates me.

I tearfully and shamefully explained the bullshit scenario we are now stuck in due to my impulsivity. “Donnie, Mikey, and I saved a guy from Meatsweats I think back in April? H-he had a bag over his head so they didn’t know what he looked like and I-I was the only one who saw him without it b-but I didn’t know he was part of the fucking Purple Dragons and—Fuck my life! My first ever save and it was a villain!?” The one time I actually did something useful…

God, there’s so much noise everywhere! Everyone’s arguing with each other or trying to get it to stop or whatever else is going on! My head hurts. Why did I even come here? I should’ve just went home. I should’ve stayed with Zane. I keep getting in the way, I keep making mistakes, I keep ruining things!

I have to keep my composure, though. I don’t wanna cry in a situation like this, not when I’ve already done enough harm.

“Wait a sec, where’s Jeremy?” 

We all paused, the realization clearing up as we heard a cheer from another room. “Yes! I got in! I got past the system!”

“Holy shit, he’s in the computer lab! Quick, we—” 

A bat hit Donnie straight on his stomach and knocked him back, Raph catching him so he wouldn’t fall to the floor. 

Kendra clicked her tongue as she laughed. “I gotta hand it to ya, you morons somehow turned off these stupid security systems. Definitely the most annoying part I’d have had to figure out; I guess that’s why I wanted ‘em, anyway. I don’t know how you did it but congrats! You’re not completely useless.” It looked more like she was addressing Donnie over any of us.

“But now?” She and Jason blocked the door. Her bat stood by her side. “Stay out of my fucking way.”

Obviously, that’s not happening, so chaos erupted instead. One would think a Two VS. Five would be pretty easy to handle… until they saw how well Kendra used her bat, that is. She’s faster than I expected, able to zip around before anyone could properly react. Definitely has a strong arm, too. Then, of course, there’s the traitor. Jason pushed his glasses up his nose bridge and took out his own set of weapons. Or should I say, whipped them out. ‘Cause they’re actually fucking whips. 

They were almost impossible to get by. Glowing in the dark room, buzzing from the static friction they made against each other. 

He targeted them towards Leo who barely managed to dodge just in time. Mikey, not being as lucky, got smacked right in the face.

“OW! Hey! Since when did he even have those!?” 

“Oh! Since last week, actually. I made them using—”

Either the bitch has good hearing or I was too loud when my sickle swung at his head. “Are ya dense!? How are you still tryna maintain small-talk after literally betraying us!? You know what I looked like, you wouldn’t have even said anything if I didn’t call you out! You lied to me! I saved you and you lied!”

“AH! The hell, man!? You’re gonna kill me for that!?”

“No!” The sickles weren’t sharp, only a little solid. I know I gotta resist. Unfortunately. “Just knock you out for a bit, you scheming piece of shit!” 

I wish I could say I was making up for my several blunders tonight by at least being able to handle the living embodiment of a toothpick. My leg’s not super mangled up but, surprise-surprise, it’s hard to move at my fastest and dodge with it still being injured. He’s a little impressively good with those whips, too. It’s hard keeping track of where they both are at all times, the difficulty only increased by how quick he’s able to use them considering he’s only trained for a week. I’m trying my damn best with what I can.

“Oh my god, give it up with the guilt-tripping! I’m not gonna turn on my sister just ‘cause you saved me once!”

“Hell no! I risked turning into mutant-munchies for you—Hol’ up a sec.” The pure blasphemy that came out of his mouth shocked me so bad, I actually had to pause. “Kendra’s your sister? Ew, what’s that like?”

Yet another mistake on my part. One of the whips wrapped around my sickle to fling it and I—determined to not lose them again—got shot through the air along with it. 

At this rate, I’ll be free-bird flying and crashing to the floor every five minutes. I don’t even feel like getting up anymore. Fuck, I don’t usually feel pain so easily.

Hm?

The battle ground’s a little chaotic so it’s hard to follow when in the middle of it. But, now that I’m seeing it from a distance, everyone’s intentions are suddenly ten times clearer. Kendra’s hovering towards a specific direction, dancing around the door to where Jeremy is. Jason’s distracting everyone and keeping them from paying attention to her. I have a feeling that’s very much so on purpose.

She’s starting to go in. I guess it doesn’t matter whether or not I want to, I gotta get up now. I closed my eyes and with whatever strength I had, used my sickles to turn invisible and go after her. 

I snuck by Kendra and entered the lab. Jeremy was glued to the computer, staring at a loading screen. On the side of the PC was a USB stuck to the port. Of course, accidentally saving the villain wasn’t enough! They had to use the same shitty USB we went back for, too.

“Jeremy, status report!”

“It’s almost done downloading the files! Just a few more seconds and… We got it!”

“Nice work! Quick! Toss ‘em over!”

Oh boy, if Kendra’s able to gain the instructions for those freaky arms, who knows what she’ll make with it! I can’t let them get access to anything here!

 Thus, following my usual rule of acting-without-thinking, I threw a sickle at the USB. I don’t know if it was my panic or my rage that caused it to be so sharp but it cut the USB in half mid-air and smashed straight into one of the PCs. My punishment for resorting to such destructively impulsive solutions was being greeted by the lovely melody of security sirens going off for breaking their important tech.

“No! My USB! There was so much stuff in that! Fuck!” She is so seriously distraught over the wrong thing. 

Upon retrieving my sickle, I hadn’t realized I was flickering in and out of visibility till Kendra’s bat nearly made contact with my head. “You little skeeze! Do you have any idea how much of my progress you destroyed!” 

“But that’s mine and Jason’s progress—“

“SHUT UP!” She snapped her head back to bark at him and I took my moment of escape, knocking her down out of my way. Still, she kept up by yanking at my leg and pulling me down with her, severely getting on my nerves by now.

So, I kicked her in the face.

She stayed there, groaning in pain, while her sidekick buddy checked on her. Sure, I could’ve kicked a little softer but I think a bloody nose is merciful enough for her. 

I returned to the lobby, greeted by chaos more hectic than before. The alarms and sirens were still blaring, red lights flashing on and off the entire facility. Our oh so beloved security arm friends returned in even greater numbers now! If I believed in superstition, I’d believe this night was cursed.

Jason’s looking a little overwhelmed now having to solo both the Teenage Mutant Mad Dogz and the newly emerged robot claws, yet he’s still not giving in and letting the guys go in peace. Speaking of them, they’re scattered all over the place, trying to keep themselves and each other from getting yoinked and flung like I was earlier. 

Donnie was the only one who managed to maneuver over to me.

“Salena!?” 

“Donnie! What’s going on!? Where’d the stupid arms come from!?”

“Well, I suppose it’d be impractical if they only had one source of their weird mystic high-tech robots, so there’s that.” He spun his tech-bō and whacked away the claw that was following him. “What happened in there? You disappeared and then we heard a loud crash from that room and suddenly everything got dialed up to eleven!”

“Uh, yeah, my fault, I uh—Eek!” Thank god for reflexes, the only thing that let me slice at a robot arm before it sliced me. “Good news is, I destroyed the USB they were using so Kendra can’t access the government’s whatever-the-fuck anymore! Bad news, I also accidentally destroyed one of their computers in the process, set off the security alarms, and now we’re here. Sorry, haha…” 

“You what!?”

“It was an accident, I swear! I really didn’t mean—”

“You annoying little twinkle-toes!” Kendra charged at us from behind and her bat swung directly at me. Thankfully, Donnie blocked it from knocking me dead and sent Kendra back a few steps. 

“You know what? If you got Kendra this mad, then you’re forgiven for everything on my terms! Let’s go!” He grabbed my wrist and dragged us away from the bat-wielding maniac.

Though, I’m not sure whether a metal bat or metal claws are worse. A bunch of them charged towards me now that I got back within their sight. 

“Move!” He shoved me out of the way of the monster claws.

I slid on the ground, actually keeping my balance this time, and swung at another claw coming from my right. Without having a moment to breathe, I ducked and slashed at one right above me. I would’ve missed the one coming from behind me, had Raph not been there and created a mystic shield. There’s so many all around the flat and it seems I’m still their favorite toy. 

“Salena, try hidin’ somewhere!” He punched one of the claws straight on, the impact causing a loud clunk. “They keep coming after you!” 

“I can’t! They saw me even when I turned invisible, they probably have a different type of vision or something!” 

“Infrared vision, genius!” Kendra’s bat got caught by my sickle. She aimed for my torso this time, I’m surprised it wasn’t back at my head. “They were built with thermal sensors! Which I would’ve been able to shut off if somebody didn’t break the computers!”

“God, were you built to get on people’s nerves!?” 

I’ve just about had it with her bullshit, reflected in my blades turning sharp enough to slice her bat in half. I elbowed her in the stomach and took the chance to roll over to a new spot. The closest I can get to hiding is continuously moving, staying in one place meant getting hoarded.

Mikey grumbled nearby, his nunchucks spinning in his hands. “Man, they’re too much! We gotta go! Leo?”

“A bit busy!” Busy was right, he’s cutting down a good number of the plastic pains with his katanas. There’s no good opportunity to use them as an escape portal, let alone any safe ones.

Beep! Beep!

Donnie raised his gauntlet up and flashed what I assume to be the building’s security cameras he hacked into. “Oh, no, no, no, guys! They’re sending actual human officers up now! What do we do!?”

Everyone’s panicked, shit’s fucked to the brim, and the constant beeps and shrieks are only making it harder to think! Kendra’s yelling about her bat, Mikey’s chosen to deal with the Purple Disasters while they’re bickering away, Raph’s boxing the claws and shielding Donnie, who’s frantically typing at his wristwatch to hack the security, and Leo’s… Screaming and getting flung. Sweet, we’ve matched now.

I ran over to Leo, guarding him from the arms trying to take advantage of the situation. “So, how’d you like your first flight?”

“I’d prefer it more if I was actually expecting it.” He got up almost as fast as he crashed down, not wasting a single second to getting back in the fight. “Ugh, I gotta get us out of here, but I need an opening!”

“Want me to try clearing something out?”

“You got any plans on how—Shit, get back!” His arm pushed me back behind him to avoid getting hit. 

The white tails of my ribbon flew forward, slightly blocking my vision. I looked straight ahead, past the death machines and battle-ground chaos, and saw the glass windows showcasing the brightly-lit city night.

The ribbon…

…Bingo.

“I actually might.” I tugged at the silk tails and felt my hair flow down as it got undone. “Just trust me and get everyone out at the first opportunity you get!”

“Wait, what are you—”

I dashed past him before he could ask any questions, no real time for them now. My multitasking skills were given the ultimate test as I focused on darting across the room, intentionally getting the arms to gather and chase after me, while tying the ribbon to the handles of my sickles and connecting them together. 

In the corner of my eye, I saw Mikey had managed to take out Kendra and her sidekicks. Don’t even gotta worry about them now, it’s going better than I thought! There was pounding at the door. Seems Donnie locked the officers out for now, but I doubt it’ll be long till they find a way to break in by force. Gotta move fast. This plan could fail horrifically, but it’s the best shot we’ve got!

With all the security arms focused on me now, the boys had a clear opening to leave. I sprinted to the windows, wound back my sickles, and broke the glass with a single throw. 

Now or never!

“HOT SOUP!!!” 

And out the window I went.

The air felt amazing, rushing by my skin as I let gravity take over the fall. I turned myself over, now looking up at the sky. The arms were shooting out the windows, unable to reach down any further to get me. A flash of blue from the inside indicated everyone was out safely. That’s my cue to prevent myself from dying now!

I held onto one of my sickles and swung the other one up. My spine tingled as a pink aura washed over my hand and over the sickle that I grabbed, trailing its way up the white silk ribbon…

Transforming it to chains!?

The pure white mystic chain clanked as it stretched out. The sickle I threw up now broke through the glass side of the building and continued shattering through it straight down. A few broken shards chipped at me as I snapped back to reality and remembered the original plan. I closed my eyes and refocused on the sickles. No thoughts, no distractions, no room for any of them. I have to breathe. I have to focus. 

The blades morphed them into a stiff rubber. Too soft to break the glass, too strong to break itself in half, effectively yanking me to a stop. 

I did it.

I actually fucking did it!

“Holy truffle mac and cheese, that was awesome!”

“I know!” I excitedly greeted Donnie who had flown over using his jet pack. “I can’t believe it went so well! You saw it all?”

“And recorded!” He turned his back towards me and pointed at his shell. “Need a ride?” 

“Definitely.” 

We cruised across the sky onto the roof of a nearby building where the rest of the guys were. The instant I hopped off Donnie’s shell, Leo jumped me with a hug, followed by several frantic checks to make sure all limbs were intact.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are you dizzy? What’s wrong with you? You’re crazy! You’re crazy, you know that!?”

“Now who’s smothering them?” Mikey snickered at Leo, who looked relieved and on the verge of tears at the same time. 

“Everyone shut up and look at this video first! You’ll probably forget whatever meaningless chitchat you were having, anyway!” Donnie hissed from glee, using his extra mechanical limbs to huddle us all around his phone that was playing the video of me from a few moments ago. 

Looking at the footage now, it seemed the pink aura actually came from my whole body. It spread throughout my arms and circled past my hands, flowing to the white ribbon and replacing them with shimmering, white chains. 

Mikey screamed from excitement, holding onto my hands. “MYSTIC CHAINS! Omigosh, we match now! We’re like twins!” 

“I know! Isn’t it great!? We can be chain buddies—Eh, nevermind, that doesn’t sound right.” 

We sat around for a while so Leo could help with all the cuts and microscopic bits of glass stuck to me. In the meantime, they were all curious how the chains even came to be, which I sadly didn’t have a clear answer for. I went ahead and reassured them my plan would’ve still worked with the ribbon itself, though. Speaking of, I can’t really get my ribbon back now. Sorry, Mi. However, I did figure out how to make the chains vanish and re-materialize, so at least I don’t have to learn a different fighting style! 

Donnie was paying attention, I think. Just multitasking with a few holographic monitors up. He sighed and put ‘em away after a while.

“Yeah, no, sorry guys. Maybe my brain’s too fuzzy but I can’t hack into the actual database tonight.”

“No big deal, Don. Ya done enough.” Raph gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “Hey, you guys wanna go grab some pizza? Raph could use a break.”

“Yeah, I think we all could.” Hopeful, green eyes faced towards me. “Salena? It’s late but… You wanna join us for a bit?”

It’s around 3am now. If I went home now, I’d only get three hours of sleep and that’s assuming I’ll conk out immediately. It’s not impossible, though, I can feel the energy crash creeping up from all the adrenaline. But, I don’t know. I don’t wanna go yet. 

“I’m already out, aren’t I? Might as well!” 

Turns out, for once tonight, I made the right choice. It was fun getting to be with them in a more casual manner. Just chilling at a park, enjoying some pizza, and re-energizing myself as I watched them goof around. I checked through my phone while I enjoyed the delicious cheesy glory.

Everything seemed normal.

Except for one tiny issue.

I was putting it off but Zane sent a voice note to me a few hours ago. I don’t have earbuds but everyone’s pretty distracted right now, anyway. I could listen to it. Maybe it’s… Maybe it’s better than I think it is. 

I lowered the volume just to have it barely audible and clicked play.

“Hey. Um… I hope you’re home and safe now. I…” He sighed and went silent for a while. 

“This wasn’t how I intended tonight to be. It was such a gorgeous night. The weather was perfect. Everything was perfect. It was all going so well. What happened? Why do we always end up like this?”

I wish I knew. Or that he knew. Maybe we could’ve helped each other if just one of us knew what was the problem.

“Everything in my life always goes so wrong. I’m so tired of it, Salena. You’re the only thing I haven’t messed up. I don’t want to mess this up. I just—” I could hear a creek from the door opening as someone came in the room. “Yeah, it’s on the floor, clean it up. I don’t know how, just go clean it!”

Sounds of glass being swept up filled the background atmosphere. Zane sighed again. “Sorry. One of my vases broke tonight. The cherry on top, right? Anyway, uh… I’ll just end it here. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re dreaming of something nice. And I’m… I’m sorry.”

The voice note ended. It wasn’t that bad, I guess. I feel a little bad about earlier but I’m glad he apologized. I guess things are fine now. I should probably leave a text, it’d be wrong to hold a grudge if the situation’s already resolved. 

You: hey i’m safe yea. I just wanna say i’m sorry too for lashing out like that earlier. I hope you’re sleeping well, sweet dreams and see ya tomorrow <3

There we go. Nothing to worry about now. Nothing to stress over.

A hand tapped at my shoulder. I raised my head to meet Mikey smiling down at me. “Mind if I sit? They’re bein’ a little loco even for my taste right now.”

I looked straight and saw Leo and Donnie arguing over whether pineapple belongs on pizza and Raph taking the opportunity to sneakily eat their slices. Pretty tame behavior from them, but Mikey’s tone was too lighthearted to be serious, anyway. 

I shifted over on the bench and patted the empty space next to me. He sat down and brought his knees to his chest, his back leaning against my side. He shuffled with his phone for a bit before offering me one of his earbuds. “Wanna listen to Fall Out Boy with me?”

“Sure!” 

I could use some music after tonight.

Next Chapter

This chapter was nearly 15K words btw-

[engagedtobefree]

I haven’t done a life update in a while, even though there’s been many times over the course of these past several months where I’ve wanted to take to my keyboard and type away. I just haven’t had the time. Things have been a bit all over the place; sometimes in bad ways, sometimes in good ways, mostly in neutral. I have been weaving in and out of stress, hope, anxiety, peace, despondency, and vivacity like a constant thread stitching through life. It’s been a bit nerve-wracking, but I’m doing the best I can.

I’ve been having a lot of financial struggles as this year has progressed, and I’ve finally resigned myself to getting a work-from-home part-time job. I hope to update my resume this week and start sending it out. I’ve been using apps on my phone to make some side cash here and there, but with all the hours I put in and little payoff, my time is better suited elsewhere. I also want to work on some passive income stuff, but that will have to come after I have another job with steady income. I also have some things I’ve been meaning to sell for forever, and I should put those up since it’s the holiday season now. I don’t really ever buy myself anything, and I didn’t even want to purchase the few items I needed for my Halloween costume (luckily I already owned a few things), but I figured life is too short to just put everything towards bills. I also couldn’t afford the vacation I just went on. I can barely afford my groceries. I’ve been using Amazon gift cards from surveys to buy things I need on there. My only monthly allowances are my two book subscriptions and a yoga subscription, which only come out to about $54 a month. I’ve cut back so much on groceries that cutting back even more means either eating more unhealthily, skipping meals, or eating much smaller portions. I’ve resigned myself to start going to food pantries to get a few things. It won’t be a huge help, but if I can knock even $10 off my grocery list every week, that will be something. I was supposed to go to one today, but mistakenly thought they were open until 11:30 when they were only open until 11. I woke up around 9 and got out of bed around 9:25, so I had plenty of time, but I completely forgot about it until 10:30, so I will just go next week. I would be fine financially if I didn’t have my car payment, but I needed a new car last year and I went with the cheapest I could find that was brand new. I’m pretty sure one of my tires might need replacing because the light keeps coming on despite me filling them, which is frustrating. If I taught more yoga classes, that would help too, but I’m not ready to go back to that just yet since my own personal practice has suffered a lot this past year. 

I don’t even know where to start with everything else. I guess I’ll start with Scott. He’s come over to hang out a few times, which is fine. I like being friends. The only problem is, I can tell he still wants more. He always replies to my Snapchat stories (usually with compliments), reaches out maybe every other Friday or so asking if I’m free, then makes sure to compliment me some more once he’s in my presence. He hasn’t tried anything and he’s been respectful, but I think he has hope that he’s going to wear down my resolve and that something will happen between us. It won’t. I made it very clear last year about only wanting a friendship, and that hasn’t changed. Once I make up my mind, that’s it. That’s all there is. It takes me a very long time to make big decisions like the one I made with Scott, so by the time I make it, I am very sure of my answer. I left no room for guessing or doubt. There was one night though that I am kicking myself for. Back maybe 2 or 3 months ago, Scott came over with a 4 pack he thought I’d like. He did good with the drink, I will give him credit for that, but the alcohol percentage per can was almost 12%, which I don’t think he did on purpose. I had 2 cans of those along with another drink or 2, and long story short, I blacked out, which hasn’t happened in like 8 years. I don’t drink that much now that I’m older, so I can’t hold my alcohol well. I resurfaced only once, and I was holding Scott’s arm and chatting away. I am a very affectionate and bubbly drunk. Sober me is not much of a people person, but drunk me just adores everyone. Back in my early 20’s, I would kiss my friends, usually my female ones, all the time. It was always platonically. When I got a boyfriend during that time period, he was still okay with me kissing my girl friends, which was fine with me, as just having a boyfriend would have been enough. Even if I have just one person to give affection to, I’m good. And I am still completely loyal, no matter how far gone I get. That is something that is simply integral in who I am as a person. Obviously now that I’m 33 I’m not acting exactly how I was when I was in my early 20s, but I will still be chatty and affectionate, even if it’s just a light arm touch or something. I am so mad at myself for grabbing Scott’s arm like that though, because I don’t want to send mixed signals. I am not a mixed signals kind of person. I have no desire to lead someone on or to continue dealing with something I don’t want to deal with. I would hope that something like that wouldn’t spark any hope in him, but Scott has persisted despite me giving absolutely nothing else. Hell, he’s persisted despite me setting a very clear boundary for our relationship. I do not know how to handle this from here, because I already previously told him what I wanted. He hasn’t tried anything or asked for anything, so it makes me feel weird to just bring it up out of the blue without a catalyst. But because I don’t want to deal with it, I’m probably going to have to do that. I don’t know. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s frustrating, but I just don’t want to have to deal with it.

Anyway, apparently the night I blacked out, I decided to lay down on my sofa and go to sleep while Scott was still there. I woke up around 8 a.m. the next day, instantly panicked. I didn’t remember falling asleep or Scott leaving. A quick body scan told me nothing happened, and when I went downstairs, I could see Scott turned the bottom lock when he left. I don’t think Scott would do anything to me, but there’s just certain scenarios where I’ve woken up and I’m 21 again and there’s a man’s fingers going in and out of me. I don’t think about it very often, but a part of me still fears that happening again.

Scott hasn’t come over that often, only a few times since maybe the beginning of the summer. There were two nights when he came over where towards the end of him being there, I started to wish he was Chris. I know that sounds kind of weird, and I don’t have an explanation for that, but I felt a really strong desire to be in Chris’s presence and to be talking to him instead. I felt bad because that isn’t fair to Scott, but I don’t think that I would have felt that way had Scott not been hitting on me throughout the night. I don’t want anyone to hit on me except for Chris. Both times, immediately after Scott left, my brain went, “Let’s reach out to Chris!!!” and of course cuz I’m all buzzed I think it’s a great idea. Both times, I told him to have a wonderful weekend. He responded to both some time in the morning, just repeating what I said back to me but with the words changed to fit me instead. However, the second time, he prefaced it with “Ur so beautiful”. That took me by surprise, and I had to stop to process that before reading the rest of his message. He’s called me beautiful several times before, but I guess I wasn’t expecting it, especially since when I went back to look at the pic I sent him (thankfully, I saved it lol), I definitely looked a bit inebriated😑. For whatever reason, when he responds to a selfie of mine, I imagine being in his shoes, opening the picture, seeing what he sees. Even when it’s not selfies and even when it’s my Snap story and not anything I sent directly to him, I wonder what thoughts run through his mind, how he processes everything, what he’d have to say. I’ve never done any of that before, and I don’t know why I’m doing it now. I was a bit frustrated with myself both times for reaching out though. I had decided not to reach out to Chris until I figure out exactly what has been going on, but drunk me had to go and ruin that. It’s not really a big deal, but I thought creating some space would be helpful or beneficial in a way.

My next appointment with Chris is on November 18th, just over 1 week away. I’ve heard from him a few times recently. He reached out to wish me a happy birthday last month, and he responded to my Halloween pics by telling me I look awesome. For well over a month now, I’ve been feeling a certain shift in the air regarding Chris. I don’t know what it is yet; I only know that it’s happening. I also feel that Chris and I will be showing up to my appointment with very different intentions. I don’t know what his are, but I know that mine will be the intention of getting answers. I am not a confrontational or accusatory type of person, so it won’t be anything dramatic, but I do plan to ask questions. It will be more inquisitive than anything else. I have been going over in my mind for some time now how I want to phrase my questions, but I’m still unsure of what I plan to go with. At this point, I am thinking it depends on what sort of opening I have at my appointment, like the context of the conversation. Obviously, I won’t know what that is until I’m actually there. I am hoping to ask him about what’s going on, if he’s leading me on or not, what his intentions are. I also hope to get some answers about the girlfriend scenario, more specifically about when they broke up and if it was before or after he gave me his number and started flirting with me. The second question I anticipate to be a bit more difficult to get in. I said before that Chris doesn’t owe me anything, and he doesn’t, but if he’s been deceitful or at the very least purposely misleading at any point in time, then I do think I deserve honesty about that. He doesn’t have to give it to me, but that does not change the fact that I am deserving of it. I do not know what comes after this appointment. The only thing I can foresee is that this needs to be done, whether I like it or not. 

That brings me around to his girlfriend, or well, ex-girlfriend. I was, for many months, leaving the situation alone. I was hurt, yes, but I saw no immediate way for me to get any answers, so I carried on with my life and put my focus on other things. Of course, my mind still wandered around to Chris all the time, but then I’d reel my attention back in, telling myself there’s no reason to think about someone who is possibly not even single and that there’s also no reason to worry because I can’t change anything and I can’t get any answers yet. That has changed as my appointment has started to loom in the not-too-far-off-distance. So at the beginning of last month, I decided to check her Pinterest account since it’s the only regularly active social media account I could find on her, and to my surprise, she was posting quite often. None of it really gave me any clues though. A majority of it has been crafting and sewing stuff. There was a little craft piano thing she had pinned, but after mulling it over a bit, I decided that wasn’t enough to go off of. For maybe two weeks straight, I was checking a few times a week. About three weeks ago, I started to teeter back, reeling my anxiety back in, resigning myself to simply waiting until my appointment to get any sort of answer. About another week or so passed before I decided to check one last time. My stomach dropped when I saw a day prior, she posted to her “Love” board. That feeling immediately subsided as I clicked because something in me just knew it wasn’t going to be what it seemed. She pinned a quote about grieving the end of a relationship, about always remembering them and remembering what they gave you, but then moving forward by giving yourself love. This was all the confirmation I needed, the confirmation I was looking for, the one that was to turn the tides in a more favorable direction. I paused, processed what I had just read, then waited for the relief to wash over me. It never came.

Instead, what formed was a large knot in my chest. I felt so sorry for her. Immediately, I began to think of my 23 year old self, heartbroken because she believed she just lost the love of her life, that she’d think of him forever, that she was permanently ruined, that she’d mourn his loss until her dying day, that there was nothing and no one better than him and what they had. We were looking at apartments and planning to move in together. I thought we were going to get married one day. The break-up gutted me. I stopped counting how many nights in a row I cried myself to sleep after 2 months passed without a single night of reprieve. I didn’t even really feel remotely better whatsoever until after 6 months had passed since the break-up. When he saw me doing good, he came back around saying he missed me and wanted to try again. I saw him twice before he did a complete 180 and dropped me again. It put me right back where I started. I didn’t get over that relationship ending until about a year and half to two years later, and it took me about three for me to really see the truth of what that relationship was. I realized that he did us both a favor by ending it, that while I cared about him deeply it wasn’t truly love, that he wasn’t a person I really wanted a future with and it wouldn’t have worked between us, and that the right person wouldn’t leave me during a period of my life when I needed them the most. I felt so sorry for her because I know what it feels like and what she’s going through, and even if it isn’t exactly the same scenario and even if she doesn’t come out of it in the same way I did, I do understand in some capacity and I know how much it hurts. I also know it gets better. I went through a similar heartbreak with Scott, even though we were never in a relationship, and coming out the other end of that was also a really good thing. I am so glad things ended. That doesn’t change how difficult those times were though. It sucks when you’re going through it and you don’t see any light at the end of the deep, dark tunnel someone else has forced you down. I couldn’t feel relief at seeing that photo because there was no room for anything else except empathy. I thought it was what I wanted to see, but turns out it wasn’t.

It took me about two days after seeing that picture to realize that Chris was most likely the one who ended the relationship. That made me wonder if maybe I haven’t actually been a second choice. I’ve never faulted Chris for being in a relationship because that would be stupid and unfair, and my mind never even traveled in that direction anyway; my issue has always been if he initiated things with me before he was single and if he was still in a relationship now. Out of the many devastations that came from that knowledge, one has been that I was a second choice, a back-up plan, a safety net to fall back on when the first, preferable option didn’t work out. But what if none of that were true? I mean, obviously, I entered the scene later. What if the original choice couldn’t easily be undone and it needed time to be let go of? It never even occurred to me that Chris would think his original choice wasn’t the right choice. I have only been viewing myself as a possible outlier here, something to be eyed but never bought, a thing to be messed with and not a person to be considerate of. Another thing that crossed my mind is: what if Chris made the right choice in starting this off too early? I started thinking about which was the preferable option: Chris giving me his number while he was still taken or Chris letting me walk out that day without flirting or giving me his number. My reflexive response was to say the latter, but then I stopped to really think about it. What if it had gotten to the point of me asking for his number and he rejected me? Would I have left there mortified? Would I have started going to a different dental office after that? Or what if neither one of us attempted anything? Would I have resolved to go for it the next time or have decided he simply wasn’t interested? Of course, there is that 3rd option, where he could have ended his relationship before my appointment even rolled around. I also started to think about what has been going on on Chris’s end. What drew him to me? How did he know I was interested in the first place? Has anything I’ve experienced happened on his end too? Previously, I immediately assumed there’s no way, that all those weird things I can’t explain were only happening on my end. But what if they weren’t? What if I haven’t actually been alone in this? What if this has all been reciprocal? My thoughts are suddenly shifting in all of these new directions, and I can feel this sort of opening in my chest that wasn’t there before. I guess I never really thought about any of this previously. There had to be something that stood out to Chris beyond him simply thinking I’m pretty. These are all questions for a future day though, assuming all goes well at my next appointment.

I’m not sure when, but for at least over a month now, I’ve been mulling over my past appointments: things that happened, conversations we had, stuff I felt, Chris himself. The result of that has been creating a positive shift within me. It’s like there’s always this tug of war within me between fear and trust, and now the trust side is winning. I do still have things I need to work through and fears about relationships, but for the most part, I have shifted out of that anxiety and into the mindset of staying present with only what is here now. I still have my moments, and I plan to write about all of that soon hopefully, probably on my side blog, which I’ve been neglecting the past several months. There’s a few topics I want to write about on there because they’re so deeply personal and vulnerable, so I’d rather they not be public for anyone to comment on. Not that my long, rambling personal posts are creating any discourse up on the interwebs, but I’d like to completely erase the possibility of that happening, cuz ya know, people 🙄. Anyway, back to the trust thing. The shift started happening many weeks ago, but I do think seeing the picture his ex posted bumped that process up a bit more too. It didn’t have an immediate effect, but I can definitely feel it helped shift me along a bit further than I was. I still want to ask Chris those questions because I want to hear things from him. That’s only fair. Plus, I don’t think I can put any of that stuff behind me until I do confirm things from him and get some more clarity. I think possibly that I simply wasn’t ready before, but now I am. I am tired of always avoiding truths and my intuition just because of stupid messages from other people and society. People are always so caught up in their own ego, needing other people to believe what they believe, live how they live, decide how they decide, think how they think. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m so sick and tired of it and don’t care anymore. I don’t want to live like those people who are only ever in their heads, who don’t believe in the spiritual side of life, who have limited beliefs and mindsets about what is real and possible. I don’t care if anything I say comes off as crazy, delusional, or impossible. I really, truly, do not care anymore. They can stay mad about it. No one has to believe me or believe in me, because I already do. If they’re that upset about my truths, beliefs, or decisions that literally have nothing to do with them, then they’re not focusing enough on themselves and their own life. I don’t want to be like those people and I’m under no obligation to please them, and I’m tired of trying to. 

I am ready for change and I am going to pursue it. I’ve been starting to jump back into astrology, and am just learning about how Pluto leaving Capricorn is ending a difficult 15 years for all of those with their sun or ascendant in cardinal signs (both apply to me). There’s been a lot of hard lessons and upheavals, which have demanded resilience and transformation, but now it’s time to enter a new chapter of expansion, innovation, and liberation. I can feel all of that. My ADHD meds are working great, so I think that’s also helping. I have so much to tackle still, but I’ve slowly been chipping away at getting my apartment clean and organized, meditating daily (sometimes several times a day), getting back into exercising and yoga and moving more, making more time for hobbies, and slowly improving my sleep (the Digital Detox app has been helping me stay off my phone at night). My meds aren’t foolproof, so I still have days that are more difficult than others, but overall, I’d say I’m in a pretty decent place. I’m also stepping out of perfectionism a bit more, shifting my mindset into following the belief that it’s better to do something imperfectly than not at all. I’m very excited to continue down this road I’m on.

I’ve been shifting my thoughts in other ways too lately. Recently, I’ve been starting to change the way I view my physical appearance. It’s more so at the beginning stages, but it’s something at least. I know I’m not conventionally attractive. While when I was younger, there was a period of time where I thought I was ugly, I no longer think that. I know I’m pretty, but I know I’m pretty in an average sort of way. There’s been a handful of times throughout my life where people had something mean to say about my appearance, but those have been greatly outnumbered by the really nice things people have said to me in regards to how I look. At times, especially when I was much younger, I considered all the different surgeries I might get: breast implants, nose job, lip lift. As time went on, I decided against them, and while I still struggle sometimes with accepting myself, I no longer want to pursue going under the knife. I might be open to it once I’m an old lady, but by then I might not even care at all lol. I don’t get hit on that often, though I also don’t really go anywhere to get hit on, and if I do notice someone interested in me, I act like I don’t notice. When I was at my friend’s Halloween party, a younger guy came up to me and started flirting with me while I was standing off to the side by myself (I was mingling too, just had some moments where I wasn’t lol). He jokingly told me he knew I was standing there with my axe to look threatening to keep all the fellas away. I thought, “Hell yeah, this dude gets it”. I wasn’t purposely doing that, but I enjoyed the idea that I could look threatening, even though I know I don’t look that way at all lol. We shared a few laughs and after I didn’t reciprocate any of his flirting, he wandered off. It made me realize I probably would get hit on more often if I went out more, but I don’t want to get hit on so I will not start going out more often any time soon lol.

Recently, Youtube randomly recommended a video to me about the downside of veneers. I never really knew what exactly veneers were since I never cared to look into it. I was horrified to learn that this is a common thing people are doing, where they’re getting their perfectly healthy, normal teeth filed down to put fake, porcelain teeth over top. People thinking their teeth were so unattractive that they needed to get rid of them altogether blew my mind. As someone who always gets told they have “perfect” teeth, I myself am not attracted to the same. I mean, not that I want someone with a bad mouth, but some crooked teeth will get me looking, in a good way. I do tend to sometimes look at people’s mouths when they’re talking, because I just think teeth are cute. I like seeing all the different teeth out there. I do this with everyone, so it’s not me doing it because I find them attractive or am checking them out in some capacity; I simply like the way teeth look. I’m happy my mom got me braces and I don’t mind how my teeth look, but even if she hadn’t done that for me, I can't picture myself ever doing something like getting veneers. Another thing I found out is that people get their irises dyed or get fake lens implants to change their eye color. I thought that was even more insane than the veneer thing. Looking through images, I saw a lot of people getting it done were people of color, and they were usually opting for light blue or green eyes. The green, if not too light, looked okay sometimes, but the blue looked really weird. The rest of their features are darker, so the blue didn’t look right at all. On any of them. My mind immediately went to, “What is wrong with brown eyes??? Or hazel????” I have always been complimented on my eyes and tbh, I do think they’re my best feature. In the light, they are incredibly blue. I’ll never forget when I was working at Wendys as a teen, an older gentleman walked up to order and when he looked at me he said, “You have the bluest damn eyes I’ve ever seen”. The eye color I think is the nicest though? Brown. Yet, there are people getting rid of their brown eyes, giving themselves all sorts of issues like glaucoma just so they can feel more attractive. Any eye color can be attractive to someone. There’s no one-size-fits-all.

Finally the last thing - that I saw most recently - was regarding lips. I’ve always liked my bottom lip, but have always been incredibly more scrutinizing of my top one. I have a pretty pronounced cupid’s bow, so the top points of my lip are more pointed, like mountain peaks. I’ve never liked it. I don’t like how they look when I talk, especially. I’ve never been a huge fan of wearing red lipstick because more than any other color, even darker shades like black, I feel like it becomes more pronounced. I think my lip shape looks fine on other people, like Taylor Swift for example, but I’ve never liked it on me. I’ve always wished for softer, more rounded lips, like the ones all the makeup trends are trying (and failing, imo) to recreate, and the ones that get touted as beautiful in the media (see Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie - in regards to shape, not size). So then I’m on Reddit, scrolling through some random sub (I don’t even remember what it was, I somehow got from the Wicked movie to Ariana Grande posts, so I think it was some sort of celebrity sub, which is super random cuz I don’t usually care about celebrities), and imagine my surprise when I see a comment with someone saying how they find strong cupids bows attractive. I was even more surprised by all the upvotes and people commenting back in agreement. It has never occurred to me in my entire life that someone would find my lip shape attractive. Never. Then I go to Google, and apparently my lip shape is found attractive by so many people, viewed as “classic” and “romantic”. There’s even a surgery people get to make their cupid's bow more pronounced, and it’s pretty popular. I was completely dumbstruck. A feature I have disliked my entire life people are going to plastic surgeons to recreate. All these features I have that people are paying money to get, ruining their bodies and changing themselves when there’s literally nothing wrong with them. It blows my mind. I had to wear lipstick for my Lisa Frankenstein costume, and it was the first time I put red lipstick on and actually felt excited about it. That was probably also partially due to my excitement about dressing up as Lisa, but I know part of it was because of this too.

It’s also very strange to me how people judge others, like using that on-a-scale-from-one-to-ten thing. Ever since I was a teen, I can remember not liking how people do that, mostly because I heard men utilizing it more than women, but also for other reasons too. First off, when is anyone ever a “10”? I feel like it just sets people up for failure. Also, judging people based solely on appearances is such a shitty thing to do and is so incredibly harmful. Truly. On the same day as I was on that other Reddit post, I ended up in that one group where women rate famous women’s appearances (I forget the name of the group, but there’s also a men’s equivalent where they also rate famous women - it also might be where I saw the Ariana pic), and someone rated Princess Diana a 10 based on more than just her looks, and a few people kept coming at them for it. I don’t get it. Apparently - and I’ve heard this many times - when people are rating themselves, they tend to rate themselves higher than how others perceive them. On my best days, I’d say I’m like a 6 at most, so not really sure where that places me in the reality of things. I just think it’s overall such a terrible thing we do to each other, to judge and point out what flaws aren’t making us look our “best”. Like, what are other people supposed to do about it?? They can’t help what features they were born with. This is why people turn to plastic surgery so often now. Humanity can be so very disappointing.

Anyway, moving on. Another exciting thing that I found out in September is that I qualify for Italian dual citizenship as a person of Italian descent! It’s called jure sanguinis (sometimes also spelled as jus, or even iure, probably because there’s no j in Italian - though the word comes from Latin). There’s a ton of criteria that has to be met and Italy just made a major new ruling that unfortunately disqualifies a ton of people. I know I qualify through my great-grandmother (GGM), but I am waiting to find out if I qualify through my great-grandfather (GGF). It’s easier and less expensive to go through a male ancestor than a female one, unfortunately. This is because prior to 1948, Italy only recognized Italian descent as being passed down through males, so the Italian courts can still reject applications based on the fact that a female ancestor gave birth to your next-of-kin if it was prior to that date. I mean, is a law really abolished if you’re still upholding it in some way, shape, or form? I’d think not, but what do I know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I’d also need to hire an Italian lawyer to handle my case if I went through my GGM, which is why it’s more expensive. So even after acquiring the extra paperwork, taking the extra steps needed, hiring a lawyer, and paying extra money, you can still be rejected. Gotta love sexism. This is going to be a long, grueling road ahead either way. I’m most likely going to need to get documents amended since they were just putting any old thing on documents back in the day, and this is regardless of whoever I go through. 

Prior to August of 1992, Italy did not allow dual citizenship, so if Italians wanted to become US citizens, they had to give up their Italian citizenship. Italy allows descendants of those Italian immigrants to reclaim their citizenship, but there’s a lot of criteria to meet. So the main criteria is that your Italian-born ancestor didn’t naturalize (become a US citizen) before your next-of-kin was born, or that they didn’t naturalize at all. If your Italian-born ancestor came over as a minor (under 21 according to Italy prior to March 1975) and their parent naturalized, that naturalization automatically passed down to your Italian-born ancestor. This is what’s known as “the minor issue”. It can be a means for being rejected, but not necessarily. However, the new addition Italy just made on the minor issue is that if your next-of-kin was a minor when your Italian-born ancestor naturalized, it is automatically a disqualification. For example, my GGM came over here as a minor with her father (my GGGF). If he naturalized while she was still a minor, then she automatically naturalized too. However, my application for citizenship can still be accepted despite this because the Italian government usually views it as involuntary naturalization and is therefore not disqualifying. My grandfather (GF) is my next-of-kin, so if both of my great-grandparents (GGP) naturalized while he was a minor, then I would automatically be disqualified to gain citizenship through jure sanguinis. However, if only one naturalized while he was a minor, I can still go through my other GGP. So if your Italian-born ancestry had to involuntarily naturalize as a minor, you might still be good, but if your Italian-born ancestor voluntarily naturalized while your next-of-kin was a minor, you’re not good. Idk why they made that addition to the minor issue, but it’s fucked a lot of people over. It was really sad to see people posting about how they spent so much money and put in so much work over the course of many long years just for them to now be disqualified. I feel so sorry for them. 

My Italian ancestry is on my dad’s side, so my line of descent is: my great-grandparents  -> my grandfather -> my father -> me. (I know I have some Italian through my grandmother on my dad’s side as well based off of my DNA tests, but it would be through her father and  we don’t know who he was, so I can’t go that route.) I do not know yet if my GGF naturalized or not. I submitted a request to the US records branch to do a record search and also reached out to local branches in the places he lived. The US branch hasn’t responded back yet, and it usually takes on average about 3 months to a year to get a response from them. I submitted my request at the end of September. The Philadelphia branch had no record of him naturalizing there, but I have to check with them again in December. The local branch in NYC just closed and all of their records are being sent to the Philly branch, but they aren’t expected to be ready until some time in December. Sometimes it’s possible to find naturalization records online for free, but I couldn’t find any for my GGF. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist though, cuz not every single record has been uploaded. I did find my GGM’s naturalization card online, showing that my GGM naturalized in 1944. My GF was born in 1915, so he was an adult when she naturalized, meaning that I can qualify through her, though it’s not a definite approval because of the 1948 thing. Another issue I have is that my GGM went back to NYC to naturalize and used her old address from 20-something years prior. I’m guessing she didn’t know she could have gone through Philly, like maybe she thought she had to do it through NYC since that’s where she first immigrated to. That’s why I’m also thinking my GGF probably did the same thing, hence why there was no record of him naturalizing in Philly. I don’t blame them for that because there was most definitely a language barrier and also our government is not the best with making things very clear even for their native English-speaking citizens, but I do foresee that as being a pain in the ass to work around. Also, if my GGF never naturalized, I would have to get his death certificate amended because it says on there he was a US citizen. There’s a ton of other info I could write about this, a bunch of other hurdles to navigate, and a few more potential disqualifiers (they don’t apply to me), but it would take me the rest of the day to write about all of it, so I’ll end that bit there.

One thing I saw a few times in a group I’m in is people feeling bad about going through this process, like they’re destroying what their ancestors worked hard for. I was completely baffled and shocked to see that sentiment, and when I read the responses, I wasn’t the only one. Firstly, our ancestors didn’t have a choice. They had to choose one or the other: either they became a citizen of the country they moved to or they stayed a citizen of their birth country. It was one or the other. Secondly, how do we know they wouldn’t have kept both if they had the option? Seeing as it took my GGM almost 40 years after she came here to naturalize, I think it’s safe to speculate that it wasn’t the easiest decision to make. In modern times, we now have the privilege of having both citizenships. It’s really confusing to me to see how people think sometimes. Like, the place where my mind went was how cool it is that decisions my GGP made for themselves over a century ago to chart their own path forward is also affecting my own path in the present. That is so fucking cool to think about. My GGP both came over in 1905, and the requirement back then was that they had to live here for 5 years before they qualified for naturalization. Them deciding to wait much longer has the potential to greatly benefit me in the present. This would literally be life-changing. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to live in Europe, but I never wanted to just give up and leave my life here to do so. This is a wonderful alternative route. Being of Italian descent (doesn’t matter if you qualify for jure sanguinis or not), if I did move there, the wait time to become an Italian citizen is a lot less than those who are not of Italian descent: only 3 years vs 10. If I went through jure sanguinis and moved there, I could improve upon the 3 year wait time too, since the application process would be much quicker. I believe it would only take around 3 months to get approved compared to the insane wait times for US residents, though it could still be delayed over there too for whatever reason. It is generally much quicker though. For US residents, I’ve seen people say they waited anywhere from like 1-4 years for approval after submitting their docs, depending on the Italian-American consulate they had to apply to. The Philly branch, which is the one I’d apply through, from what I’ve read, is one of the faster ones. The lengthy wait times are fucking a lot of people over right now with the new ruling for the minor issue. People who submitted their applications years ago and were waiting on approval are now being denied based on the new ruling, which is really messed up. I think it should only apply to people who submitted after the new ruling took effect.

It’s already been worthwhile to simply trace my GGP history. They both came over here two months apart and were from the same region, but they never met until they were in NYC. One day, I decided to see where exactly their towns were located. They were both from the Foggia region, and when I looked up their towns, I noticed they seemed very close to one another. Turns out, they were only a 2 hour walk away from one another, which today is about an 11-12 minute car ride. How crazy is that??? I also found their names on the Ellis Island website. My GGF came over here alone at the age of 20 to stay with a cousin, and my GGM came over here with her father when she was 14 (still have to confirm my GGGF didn’t naturalize while she was still a minor, though I’m guessing she didn’t since I found her naturalization card). I also found a picture of them that someone uploaded on Ancestry. I can tell who my GGF is in the photo, but he’s standing next to two women, so I’m unsure who is my GGM. Oh, and also, their names are Leonardo and Angelina 🙂

My original plan for doing this was to some day, maybe 10 years or so into the future, have a second home. Obviously, I am incapable of affording that now, but this will take many years to complete, so it’s not something I need to figure out right away. I could live, work, and study anywhere in the EU, which is made up of 27 out of the 44 European countries, but if I lived in Italy I’d get many perks, including housing benefits, free healthcare, and tax breaks. There’s a ridiculous amount of benefits just from being a citizen of the EU, plus holding dual-citizenship with the US along with it as well. There’s virtually no downsides. My only thing now is that I wish I had known about this sooner so that I could pursue it sooner. America is not a great country. I know it is a “privilege” to live here, but that privilege only equates to convenience. With all of the businesses here and shipping hubs and attractions and close proximity to cities or places with a lot to offer and whatever else along those lines, we have nothing else aside from convenience. And yet, we have somehow made ourselves the center of the world, forcing our self-importance on everyone else, even though we remain way behind so many other first-world countries in areas like education, work, housing, human rights, benefits, healthcare, the economy. All of that is now about to get even worse with Mr. Fascist about to take office. People who already have their dual-citizenship can choose to go and leave this hellhole for the next 4+ years, and I envy them. I do find it a bit ironic that in order to leave my fascist-leaning government behind, I’d like to go live in the country where fascism originated. It’s almost humorous. Then at the same time I’m like, would it be cowardly to run, to leave everyone else who can’t escape to fend for themselves? Maybe, at least for the time being, I’m meant to stay here. If all goes well and smoothly, on the short end of things, I can be approved for my Italian citizenship within 2 years.

Ever since I was a kid, I have never liked it here. That was before I even knew and understood issues we have here and statistics about where we stand compared to other, more progressive countries. Something inside of me has always rejected the country I was born into. My mom used to get mad cuz she would always say it’s a “privilege” to live here, and as a teen, when I gained more knowledge, I had comebacks for telling her how it wasn’t. When I signed up to vote at 18, I registered as unaffiliated because I never wanted to be restricted with my vote. While I’ve never voted Republican and most likely never will, I at least am not limited to only voting Democrat. I did not vote for Biden because just as I am with Trump, I could not stomach him, but I would have brought myself to vote for him if I wasn’t confident he was going to win. I live in a blue state, so not that it matters much anyway. I had to vote for Kamala despite knowing she too was not the best (though I think she would’ve done even better than Biden), and I am so sick of it now seemingly always coming down to Bad Candidate and Worse Candidate. While Kamala didn’t have much of a plan, she could at least be influenced to do good, just like how it was with Biden. She could have at least been worked with. Trump can and will actively do more harm. It’s highly possible that this term is going to be even worse than his first. And at least the past 4 years with Biden there wasn’t any fucking nuclear bomb threats from North Korea or having to brace myself as I get another ping on my phone in regards to whatever asinine thing Trump said or did the day before or overnight while half of America was sleeping. And every time I have to hear about that man saying whatever is a witch hunt against him, my blood boils. It’s estimated that between 70-90% of victims of witchcraft were (and still are) women, and many of them were either poor, healers of some kind, unmarried or didn’t have children, rejected religious norms, or in some way were non-conforming to societal standards. Women were also more likely to be accused because they were viewed as “weaker” in different ways. This rich, privileged man making accusations of witch hunts against him is so aggravating, especially because he always does it whenever he’s being called out for something he literally said or did. And when Putin and Netanyahu, two politicians currently bombing the shit out of innocent civilians, are celebrating the election of someone, how does that not raise any red flags in some people??? I truly do not get it. “B-b-but the economy!” The economy started going under while Trump was still President, it just continued to worsen under Biden. Yes, someone needs to do something about it, but it’s wishful thinking Trump will get it done. Trump doesn’t care about the people; he cares about himself. He doesn’t even give a shit about his own family. This is a man who while on national tv said he’d date his own daughter if she wasn’t his daughter, all while she was sitting right next to him. He even implied he’d have sex with her. Link 1 and link 2 to clips of those. He has zero morals. While I want to believe he has the capacity for good, odds are he will do more harm than anything positive. The only good thing I can think of from his first presidency is when he got rid of the penalty for people who didn’t have health insurance. When I try to come up with something else, my mind literally draws a blank. I have never liked Trump. I remember being around 9 or 10 and my mom started watching the Apprentice, and I was shocked by how incredibly mean he was. I remember specifically asking my mom why he was so mean. I cannot recall her response, but that memory has stuck out to me because I was horrified by how anyone could be so cruel to other people. The speech Jimmy Kimmel gave about Trump winning was great. He says things more eloquently than I can.

Anyway, I had a few more things I was going to write about, but I think I’m going to put them on the back burner for now. This is already a really long post, and I anticipate another one coming up after my appointment with Chris.

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

Hello! I wanted to talk about Shidou's new music video with someone, and it seems like you have a bit of interest in the series haha.

I also wanted to say your analysis for his new video is very very good! I just wanted to come at it as someone from the health industry.

I am currently in medical school, which probably informs a lot of my opinions on Shidou. Initially, when I thought he was a literal organ stealer, I was adamant he should be voted guilty. However, after this video I am less sure.

So I agree 100% with the idea that his family was in an accident with him the only survivor, but I think that his child was the one to survive, and he was getting organs for his child from dying patients. I also have a feeling that his wife's dying wish was to keep their child alive in some sense, which would lead to his fervor in getting organs for him. I'm inclined to think that it was specifically a heart problem, which would force him to take another patient's life to use that organ.

My reasons for this:

Pomegranates (and fruits in general) are a pretty obvious symbol in this MV for an organ, and I think a heart specifically because of:

The way the pomegranate is demarcated is very much like a heart in a diagram:

You can see the demarcations of the chambers, with the stem of the pomegranate even resembling an aorta, and the seeds remind me of red blood cells. This could be a reach, but I thought it was too specific to not point out. Of course, there are more fruits in the shot, so there were probably other organs that his son needed, but a heart is a tricky one to get, let alone replace.

Finally, the reason I think the son is getting the organs is this portion of the video:

He's giving the tag from the fruits to his son, which, I think is pretty indicative of giving the organs to his son. The appearance of so many tags later in the video indicate that he has used a lot of people for their organs. The same sort of imagery appeared in his first video with the toe tags raining around him.

I also think that he was ultimately unsuccessful in saving his son, with the dying flowers imagery and all around, and the most indicative portion of the video being:

This image at the end, when the phone is once again having dial tones. This is a QRS complex:

Which is what you see on heart monitors in hospitals. In the end, the dial tone sounds out a long tone, showing that the person who's heart that was representing, is now stopped for good.

Overall, I think that this, and the previous video, indicate Shidou desperately trying to save his family (specifically his son(s)) by taking other people's organs, whether it was on purpose by botching a surgery or forcing his family up on the transplant list, which would mean other people who need organs would end up dying. It was ultimately unsuccessful, which means he would have used those people for nothing (I feel the latter is more likely, but only because it's more interesting to me).

I also think that he knew it would most likely wouldn't work. I don't have a direct reason for this, but if a person needs so many organ transplants, specifically with the heart...

He obviously feels incredibly guilty about this, I would too. I would think I should be guilty if this happened to me. That doesn't make it right, and if there were no other implications to it, I would vote him guilty. (This may have to do with being in healthcare and not being put in his position, though...)

There is the problem with him being necessary for the other prisoners, however. He is needed, no matter what he feels, so he must be voted innocent to continue his work. Towards the end of the video, he is coming to terms with that no matter how much he deserves a guilty verdict, he has to be innocent in order to keep helping the others, which is what a doctor is supposed to do. He did wrong in the past, he knows that, but he has a chance to make up for it here and now.

Anyways! I think Shidou is much more morally grey than I first anticipated. He did what he did to try to save his family, which was very immoral and he knows that. He feels guilty (which he should!), but he has a chance for redemption. I believe he is on the path to learning from his mistakes, but that does not absolve him for what he's done.

Hi! This is some great analysis, thanks so much for sending it in!

I definitely think it's possible that it's one of his sons and not his wife, which is why I added the note in my initial. I was commenting on the drop on YouTube and someone said that the receipt from Throwdown was marked for XX and not XY.

That's what it looks like to me? Though I don't know how these get filled out, it's definitely possible that the fact that there's writing on the XY at all indicates that it is XY.

In either case, I don't personally believe that Shidou was in the accident as well. I think that he probably just heard about it after the fact.

Update, though: the "phone call" is actually Shidou's voicemail, indicating he didn't pick up. That, combined with the shot in Triage at 1:57, indicates to me that he might've had a chance to say goodbye or something, but that he didn't take it. That's what the guilt feels like to me here, with him collapsed at what seems like it may be an empty bed?

Either way, he for sure has a lot of survivor's guilt. The line "in that case, I should have been the one" basically flat out says that.

Heart problems definitely seem viable. At the very least, I suspect that you're right that it was a problem (it's possible whoever was dying had a lot going on medically, and that might help account for how many organs he needed to take).

I want to challenge the idea that he thought it wouldn't work. I don't think he thought it through logically and necessarily thought, logically, that he could do it. I think that he was in pretty strong denial over losing his entire family, so he convinced himself he could still save them.

There's a lot of god references/imagery in Shidou's stuff. Both his audio dramas are named after gods, and the pomegranate and flower imagery links him pretty heavily to the Greek myth of Hades and Persephone.

Additionally, a lot of lyrics in Throwdown seem to indicate that he believes he's going to succeed.

"I will finally be saved once it becomes true"

"I don't feel scared because I don't know"

These, and especially the second one, indicate to me that he might have been lying to himself and convincing himself that it was still possible. He couldn't feel scared about it because he didn't allow himself to know the possible outcome.

There's also his cover. I know that the Milgram devs have said that the covers are just for fun, but I mean, come on. It's called Delusion Tax. As in, the people he killed trying to save his loved one are the tax he had to pay for being delusional and believing he actually had a chance to save them. That's why I think he believed, at least in the moment, that he could save them. Not logically, but because if he didn't believe that, he would have nothing left.

And yeah, I definitely agree that Shidou is very morally gray. I've been assuming this from the beginning, basically. I always thought that characters' crimes would trend more morally gray over time to complicate the verdict decision. Shidou's seemed too horrifying in terms of how many people he killed, so I figured they'd ease it up. Between it being seemingly confirmed that he only took organs from braindead patients and the fact that he is so willing to make amends and accepts responsibility, it seems like Shidou is in a point where people could definitely at least consider redeeming him.

And I totally respect if people don't! He broke a lot of rules and he did a lot of awful things. But no matter what you believe about his end verdict, I maintain that innocent is the right move right now. He's needed to save the lives of others, and calling him guilty now would just ruin any progress we've made with him. The final verdict comes later. For now, we need Shidou alive and capable.

[garrettwrites]

I don't care about how beautiful or ugly AI pictures are.

Before you read this, keep in mind that I have taken History and Culture of the Arts classes (from ancient history to the days of today), History of Drawing classes, as well as studying on my free time because this quite literally my area of expertise. I am also finalizing my license degree in the artes field.

Art in it's many forms is a form of communication. It doesn't matter if it's paintings, illustrations, video games, books, architecture, sculpting, pottery, you name it. It's how each artist/writer/musician views and shares the world, how each person has an unique approach reflecting their own life experiences and tastes.

It's how one writer drafts poetry upon the ocean, while another fears it, and a third one merely views it as a body of salty water. How one artist tenderly paints the hands of a portrait while another slaps a couple of brush strokes on it and calls it a day. How some do a lot of messy and sketchy charcoal lines, while others prefer a pretty and rendered piece. How some prefer the melody of the violin, while others the beat of the drums. It's how you draw backgrounds, what backgrounds, people, which people.

The details you choose to put in - a flower pressed into the background, with no importance to the picture or environment but still consciously put there, for a reason or another; the way a character shows their emotions, in ways we rarely think about but the author knows intimately; how a game developer hides little easter eggs in their game and delights in those who find them and get the reference...

How we still talk to Homero after he's been dead for millennia. How we see ruins from civilizations past, where people once had their first love, first tragedy, last breath. How now we use digital art to depict animals, the same way ancient humans used stone to carve them upon walls.

A machine has no thought. It copies without meaning. You cannot talk to it or marvel at the details it puts in, because they are mindless. The machine puts in a rose because the artists it references also put in roses. It draws a blue ocean when you write prompts for mermaids because mermaid = water = blue. It takes from the humans before it and doesn't adapt it or build upon it, for it cannot combine two completely different - and at first sight irrelevant - things on its own without it having been done before. This is not Detroit: Become Human. The AI is not alive or intelligent. It's a tool, the same way your phone or microwave are.

I love pretty art. In fact, as someone finishing my license in the arts field, I would consider myself quite elitist. I have a strong love for Pre-Raphaelite and Noveau art, and classical architecture. I would suck Alphonse Mucha and John William Waterhouse's dicks if they so commanded, if I could get a small napkin drawing from them afterwards. I don't like XX century art movements like cubism or dadaism. I find them ugly, and they go completely against my aesthetics.

But as much as I hate those, the artists who made them had a story to tell. They had hands and a brain. They put it forward in their own way, with their own language, based on their own likes and dislikes, happy and tragic memories.

A machine has none of the touch.

Art is not the same as working in the mines or in the sewers. It's a human connection. It has been here before we even called ourselves human, it has been here when there was more than one human species walking the planet (for the homo sapiens wasn't always alone). There ir no need to replace it.

Does AI artwork has it's uses? Well, I believe so. I believe there could be ways to make it work. A tool is a tool, after all. But I have yet to see it being used in a ""good"", innovative, useful way.

There is no TLDR. I cannot contain what I just wrote in few words. It would defeat the purpose.

[girlreviews]

Review #474: #1 Record, Big Star

“I never travel far, without a little Big Star”, is the saying that goes, or rather, the lyrics from The Replacement’s ode to Alex Chilton. It’s true though. Big Star are my favorite band. While I disagree pretty adamantly with the order, all three of their records are in the Rolling Stone’s Top 500. I find that immensely satisfying. One thing Rolling Stone and I agree on – apparently — is that Big Star are special. I could talk possibly forever about the Big Star story, but it’s a rare occasion that I happen upon anyone else who knows, cares, or is interested. Which is pretty much part and parcel of the story itself. It’s part of its charm in a way.

I learned about Big Star the way everyone does, or at least did. Someone put a song on a burned CD for me (previously it would have been a mixtape, but this was the early 2000s and this is what we did). It was that fuckin’ boy, okay? And it was around when we actually met. He was trying to impress. He made me this CD, it was plain white, and it had scrawled on it in his stupid fucking handwriting “Summer Promo” with some little patterns doodled around it. Thirteen was the third track and it instantly became my favorite. I fell in love with it, and with Big Star, and that was it. I remember almost all of the other tracks, they were mostly trash. He gave it to me before fucking off for several weeks over the summer – to Bible camp, ha – and the douchebag didn’t ever have enough money to keep his cell phone with credit to call or text. By the time he got back he already was like, “sorry, dumping you”, and so began the 3 to 4 years of hellish on-off controlling, jealous, rage abuse from a boy who didn’t want me, and constantly cheated on me, but couldn’t stand to see me move on or be near anyone else. Who am I kidding, he didn’t say sorry.

Some years in, he had moved away but this all continued. He was back in town – and we were together at this point – and days into his visit he hadn’t called, texted, nothing. He eventually showed up, only to inform me that he had tickets to see an artist that we both loved, Kathryn Williams, at a very local venue, and that he was taking another girl. My father had to physically restrain me. Later that evening, my boy best friend just so happened to call me and said he and his parents were going to that same show, had a spare ticket and would I like to go. I said yes. When I arrived, I sat several rows ahead of my “boyfriend”, and he saw that I was there with my friend, a boy, who in his opinion, I was not allowed to spend time with. Then. As if by magic. Kathryn Williams covered Thirteen. Beautifully. I really do remember that in that moment, knowing that I wasn’t ever going to ever be able to let myself tie songs I loved this much to people that hurt me on purpose if I wanted to continue loving them. I turned around and looked at him as if to say “you will never get this song from me”. I’d love to say that was the end of it all, but it wasn’t.

In the Street also lives within #1 Record, and during my teenage years, That 70’s Show was such a breath of fresh air. We all loved it. I had really fond memories of watching that show with my friends. I used to download it illegally and we would all watch it in my room around my computer. The theme tune was performed by Cheap Trick in the show, but I always loved that Alex Chilton and Chris Bell were in the opening credits, and as I understand it, it earned them money in syndication. However, Chris Bell was already dead, and Alex Chilton died with not a great deal to his name. So maybe it didn’t help. It’s probably the way that most folks know Big Star, even if they don’t know it. I’d encourage you to listen to their original version of In the Street. It’s fun, and honestly would have been a better fit for the show if you ask me. Also, it’s got so much cowbell it’s just silly. Sadly — sadly isn’t really the appropriate word here — That 70’s Show and the majority of its cast are now mired by the actions of convicted rapist and Scientologist Danny Masterson. Fond feelings are now replaced by anger and sadness for his victims and bitter disappointment in his castmates for continuing to support him and his church’s actions.

Skip forward a few years, and that boy is finally out of the picture, but a new nightmare begins. I’ve pointed to this in a few previous reviews. A job with a boss, and that boss is no good. We’re not going to get too far into that here. But there was this time, I was working my seventh day in a week a fourth week in a row (!) at a trade show. I forget why, but the subject of music came up, or I was listening to music on my break, or something like that, and this guy wanted to know what it was I was listening to. He was in his 40s and in a previous life, he had very briefly and with a great deal of mediocrity enjoyed some commercial success in a band. I’m being quite generous in saying that. He liked to overstate that success. A lot. Anyway. It comes up that I’m a fan of Big Star, and this garners his attention (more so than usual), and earns me some respect as a “real music fan”. I’m at work, I’m exhausted, I’m paid 8 pounds an hour, and this man was my ride to and from some hotel trade show at the Heathrow Airport. Finally, the day is over, and we’re leaving. On the way to what I think is home, he tells me that his wife is out of town, and his bandmates are in town, and that he isn’t going to take me home, he’s taking me to his house to hang out with his band. It may surprise you to learn that I, an 18 year old girl, did not want to hang out by myself with five 40-year-old men, only one of which I actually knew. The thing is, I actually didn’t have any choice. At all. This is one of those things where I most certainly look back and think “Jesus christ, that was fucked up”, and at the time I recognized my discomfort, but I didn’t have enough of a voice or know what to do about it. He was my boss.

So there I was, at his house, just kind of stuck. They all got fucking white girl wasted. And they had set up recording equipment – I assume their entire weekend plans were to fuck around and record music. Well. He made me sing. He made me sing Thirteen. He recorded it. They played. I was shaking. Mortified. Terrified. He wouldn’t let me leave until I did it. Then I was allowed to be sent home in a private car. I feel really sad for myself when I think about this. I’m not sure how not one of those men thought it was strange that I was there, or that my discomfort was so obvious, and that not one of them thought I should be at home. In hindsight I get the feeling my boss wasn’t someone people felt comfortable standing up to. That’s no excuse, in my opinion.

In weeks following, he showed me the mix he made of the recording, and I hated it. Hated. It. To be clear: I sang it beautifully. Every single one of those men was surprised by what came out of my mouth, and they all shut the fuck up for awhile, because I sang it beautifully and they weren’t expecting it. I hated it because of how it was created. I hated it because he bastardized it with a bunch of weird added effects and elongations that were insults to the original. From that day, until I left that job to go to university, I was encouraged to not bother with school and let him manage my music career, and my aspirations of college and helping people were “a stupid waste of time”. I thank myself every day that I had no desire to take him up on his ridiculous offer, and that saying no required no second thought. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me had I said yes, but I know that it would not have been good. That wasn’t the last of that guy, either, unfortunately, but I did go to school and I did graduate before he had the opportunity to fuck anything else up again.

Again, I revisited that notion of never letting anyone ruin a song or a band for me. But, in writing these reviews, I have come to realize that the memory being attached to a song or an artist has served a really valuable purpose for me. I know that this shit really happened, because the song/artist makes me think of this memory. That’s how I know. It’s validating and it’s helpful to actually catalogue all of this in this particular way. I can believe myself. If I ever didn’t before, I do now.

At the end of 2022, I was able to see Big Star (well “Big Star”), perform all of their catalog live, for the 50th anniversary of #1 Record. In Memphis. Mike Mills of R.E.M., Pat Sansone of Wilco, Jon Auer of the Posies, and Chris Stamey of the dBs, playing alongside original drummer and only surviving member, Jody Stephens. Over the years – whether in the UK or in the US, so many Big Star events had come and gone. Movie showings, one-off shows, tributes, whatever. And no matter what, somehow, something always stopped me from catching them. Not this one. No fucking way. I was really overwhelmed, and overcome, to think of all of the things that had to happen in my life since I first heard Thirteen on that burned CD under my loft bed in England to put me in Memphis, listening to these songs live, finally, in my Thirties, knowing those absolute assclowns that I’ve written about above are well behind me and can’t hurt me anymore.

[heartblobs]

Tag Game for Historical Simblrs! 📖

1. What has been your favorite time period to play in or which one are you most excited for?

Since I’m currently only in the early 1900s (in game), I’ll say which time period I’m looking forward to! It has to be, without a doubt, the 50s-70s. The fashion, the music, the art! It’s all just so- ugh. Y’know? I absolutely can’t wait for the hair and beautiful swing dresses!

2. Do you have a favorite piece of historical cc? (CAS or BB)

Oh god, do I have to pick just one? This is so hard 😭 This may be a little odd, but it could be this dress for toddlers/infants by vintagesimstress. It’s just so easy to pop that on a toddler when there’s so little historical cc for them, and much less for infants! It’s a godsend in my save.

3. Who is your favorite sim currently?

You all haven’t met them yet, but one of Walter and Eva’s children I’ve grown so attached to. They’re the absolute cutest and I really hope I can do their story justice!

4. What is your favorite world?

Glimmerbrook! I love the woods and the river that runs through the tiny, little world. Plus, the aesthetics of the spellcasters is just gorgeous. Close second would have to be Forgotten Hollow, which is a shame because I don’t know if I’ll ever have my historical sims live in either of those worlds. 😓

5. Are you more gameplay or story focused?

Hm, honestly I’m not sure. I try my best to balance out both so I don’t burn myself out, so I’d have to say I’m both!

6. Do you like to play with pets in your historical saves?

I try to, but honestly they’re so annoying to deal with. 😭 I really don’t like Sims 4 pets, which is a shame because I love pets in the previous Sims games. Pets, if I ever incorporate them in the story, will be for story purposes only!! 😅

7. What’s your biggest immersion breaking pet peeve with the game?

NPCs who are dressed in jeans and a tshirt! I am so grateful for the NPC overrides by cowplant-snacks. Am I gonna suffer once long skirts are out of fashion? Yes. But for now I am happy with my lil victorian mailmen strolling around my game 😌

8. What’s your favorite in-game historical item? (CAS or BB)

The entire Vampires gamepack catalog. I use those items for nearly every build for the time period I’m planning in, and they’re all just so pretty. Maybe excluding the coffins.

9. What would you like to see as a new pack or asset to the game?

I’d like more things for children to do! And I don’t mean another activity table. Although Growing Together did help with that, I still struggle with things children and toddlers can actively do. I rely on mods to sometimes send them to rabbithole activities because I just have nothing for them to do once they max out their childhood skills. So yeah! Maybe like, an arcade pack or something?

10. What pack do you think is invaluable as a historical simmer?

Cottage Livings, hands down. In those earlier years, if you don’t want to play as an already richer family, playing as a simple farmer is not only fun but realistic! I have another historical save that I play from time to time just for myself, and my family starts out farming and having chickens and cows and it’s all just so fun!

11. Do you have a favorite mod to enhance historical gameplay?

There’s so many, but I highly recommend the Phone to Notebook Replacement Mod by ayoshi. For some reason, mods that are supposed to make Sims not pull out their phone ever two minutes just don’t work in my game, so this mod just allows them to continue to be obsessed with their phones, they’re just now little notebooks! No time travellers in my game.

12. What’s your ideal family size for playing?

For strictly gameplay, I usually prefer families about 3-4 in size. The Baudelaires will eventually grow to 7 in total, which is a lot of Sims for me, but I’m excited to have the challenge!

13. Do you use poses?

🧍‍♀️ 

14. Do you use any overrides in your game?

Oh my god, yes. I have so many, from eye overrides to cloud overrides. Also, just the few I’ve listed here, just help so much with immersion! I couldn’t play this game without them.

15. Do you, or did you, play off-the-grid during your game?

I really tried to at first, there are just not a lot of necessities that actually WORK off the grid, cc or otherwise. So I just replaced everything I could with older looking electronics. Although, I really wanted the lighting from the candles. Yes, it’s bad at times, but I like it for some odd reason.

16. What lifespan do you play on?

Long/custom lifespan settings! Since every four days is equal to one year in my game, I tried to reflect that in the lifespans.

17. What inspired you to start playing a historically?

I’m almost positive it was the amazing Pixelnrd. I actually started this blog as a royal simblr! I was scrolling around on Tumblr and found Pixelnrd’s blog and that was that. I’ve always loved history and once I found this challenge, I fell in love with the idea of it!

Thank you so much for tagging me @aheathen-conceivably! <3 I’ll tag @0-nouke-0 @carousel-of-sims @sasaofastora @antiquepixels @cattermelons & anyone else who’d like to do this! 

[nickgerlich]

Let's Get Sociable

I know. We’re barely past Labor Day. PSL’s have hardly begun their meteoric sales path. And it is still pretty warm. But it’s never too early to start thinking about Christmas, right?

Well, suffice it to say that I won’t be thinking about it until Thanksgiving, when we pull that old fake tree out of storage and festoon it with a wide variety of ornaments collected through the years. Not a moment before.

Marketers, though, are thinking about it, and have been for quite some time. Merchandise orders were placed months ago, especially for items sourced overseas. Retailers are busy getting rid of insect repellent, potting soil, garden hoses, and all the things you may very well still need for a couple of months, replacing it with holiday decorations. You know. Because they think that some people will actually buy that stuff long before they ever need it.

And analysts are also paying attention, but for different reasons. They are busy monitoring and surveying consumers’ shopping intentions, which includes how much, where, when, and how. And one of the key takeaways right now from this early vantage point is that GenZ shoppers are more likely to purchase their holiday gifts via social media.

Ponder this. Not in stores. Not just online. In social media apps.

This points to the increasing use of mobile devices for shopping. Of course, it’s not like this started yesterday. Even I, an aging Boomer, have been doing it for quite a few years now. I have also shopped via social media, such as the Nordic Socks ad that enticed me a few years ago with their cozy wool footwear. But to do my holiday shopping there? Hmmm.

Instagram is the most likely site where shopping will occur, followed by Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube. I do find the Facebook entry to be a bit curious, because GenZ is notorious for not using Facebook. I also suspect that a lot of GenZers secretly have a Facebook account, but only use it once in a while to stay in touch with older family members. Or maybe shop for them.

This shift in buyer behavior has huge implications. Whereas all other shopping, be it in-store or online, is rather purposive, with shoppers actively seeking products and information, social media shopping has a very different dynamic. There’s an almost random component, meaning you have to have seen an ad or Reel in the first place to know that you could shop there.

Savvy marketers, though, know they can roll the dice with much greater certainty these days with highly targeted ads, aimed squarely at users based on their established preferences, demographics, and prior online usage.

Bear in mind that what you see in your feed, whichever platform you use, is the result of complicated algorithms that track every aspect of your time within that app. Those algorithms also pull in other information stored in cookies and search engine histories. That information is also sold among companies. Unlike broadcast television, though, in which we would all see the same adverts during prime time programming or sports telecasts, each person’s feed is unique.

Long-term implications, if this trend were to continue for GenZers as they progress through adulthood, mean a steadily decreasing role for brick-and-mortar shops, especially during the holidays, and perhaps even the end of Black Friday shenanigans. Why venture out into all that traffic, crowds, and possibly cold weather when you can just snuggle up by the fire and shop on your phone?

It is interesting to consider the generational differences at play here. It is a drama unfolding based largely on technological skills and whether or not you are a digital native. It is GenZ that is, by its very definition, a cohort of truly digital natives, people whom have known no other way. Millennials were the big transition group, and since they were born between 1980 and 1996, there is variability. Those on the latter end are closer to behaving like their younger counterparts than the middle-aged folks who ushered in that generation.

And then there’s Gen X (1965-1979) and the Boomers (1946-1964). While most of us have made the transition to this digital life, there are still some who have resisted. It is hard to shake old ways of doing things, and if you still prefer to shop the stores and—gasp—use cash to pay for everything, that’s on you. You can still do what you like (Note: I am siding with GenZ on this one. I am not a fan of shopping.).

Also know, though, that ultimately resistance is futile. Try buying a concert ticket these days without having to download a QR or bar code to your phone instead of getting a paper ticket. Printed email tickets are also all but dead. Get with the program, or you are not getting in.

Meanwhile, it’s always fun to take advantage of my ring side seat to all this pageantry. It’s a very different place from when I first started teaching, and if anything, all that change keeps this job interesting. And for marketers, it just means they better be on their toes. Christmas is always on the horizon.

Dr “Happy Holidaze” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[ocblogtocontainmyself]

I can't sleep and haven't had my Vyvanse in days sooooo I'm gonna do this character development thing with my six main ocs, from what I saw the op deactivated so I'm using a screenshot I got from pinterest

Part 1:

Character 1: Charlie

1. They have some cousins but they haven't seen them since their parents were still alive. Dani (older sister) is 27 and Scottie (younger brother) is 8 while Charlie is 17 so they kinda have not much in common. Still Charlie acts like a child so they would probably consider themselves closest to Scottie.

2. Fine. Charlie misses their mom. She died in childbirth (with Scottie) so it's been a long time but they remember lots of little things. She would stroke Charlie's hair when they were upset and she sing quiet songs in Tagalog that Charlie wishes they could remember.

3. Bad. Charlie was on the cusp of puberty and angry at basically everything right before their dad died. Their dad was verbally abusive and considered purposeful neglect a proper forn of punishment. Dani and Charlie somewhat bond over that. Dani had been trying to get the kids out of there even before he died. They let his family do the funeral. The only thing tying them all together is a name: Shegai.

4. Charlie wasn't there for either of their parents passing. If you asked them they would probably say the night they overheard Dani sobbing on the phone with an ex-partner was the most impactful.

5. Usually some sort of pen (dab or just nic), rubber bands for their braces but also they use them to fiddle with, a knife, their phone, house keys, and maybe a raspberry pi if they're feeling frisky.

6. Charlie uses sleeping aids because if they don't they have very bad nightmares. The sleepaids make it where they don't really dream at all.

7. Death. Death of their mom and dad, death of their siblings or friends, but most of all dying themselves.

8. Yes. They've gone to shoot at the range with Dani before.

9. Charlie was middle-lower class and will always be. They grew up with a dad in physical labor which paid fine but nothing impressive, then Dani worked as a detective which was pretty good money but not ideal, and as an adult they become a high school computer/coding teacher.

10. tw self harm but they prefer long sleeves and long pants. They have scars from scratching on their upper arms and thighs, they don't like showing them off and longer clothing helps keep them from scratching. They also like baggy clothing, but that's just a fashion preference.

11. One time Charlie was at a party, had some dude come onto them aggressively, and then called multiple people just for no one to answer. Cam did, and woke up Add, and so they were able to get home, but the particular feeling of being trapped was terrifying.

12. They're calmest right before they fall asleep, the slowing of their heart beat and heavy feeling in their body is their favorite feeling.

13. They aren't.

14. Neither, they can't remember shit for shit.

15. Not really? They have things they like or want but they're not particularly money motivated. They do have a problem accepting what they deem as "handouts."

16. Success, because they think anyone claiming to find "true happiness" is lying out their ass. Happiness is just one part of life, there's no guarantee of constant Anything. Success, while illusive, is attainable to some extent.

17. They had one barbie doll named Dolly and they mauled the fuck out of that thing. They colored the doll's hair, drew on it, cut up it's hair and clothes. Charlie loved that thing to pieces though. Got pissed anytime anyone suggested replacing it.

18. Wisdom, ambition requires no effort nor experience, wisdom requires you go through or learn some shit and come out on the other side.

19: They're weirdly insecure in relationships but refuse to let anyone see it. Any relationship where the party isn't intuitive and able to assume Charlie needs a lot of reassurance usually ends up being mad because Charlie gets depressed but then refuses to elaborate (and then feels even worse when they're mad).

20. For a long time they tried to pretend they didn't give a shit at all (while actually invalidating themself by comparing themself to others) but they eventually were told by a therapist (whom they ended up liking and staying with til retirement) that they should try and even out the score, they told Charlie "For every invalidation you find, make yourself find a validation." It helped Charlie form a much healthier mindset.

21. Charlie is more a believer that everything happens for absolutely no fucking reason. The universe is playing a game of roulette where every human being wins occasionally but usually loses. Shit just happens.

22. They appreciate flexibility and creativity above most other things.

23. They hate people who piss and shit and cry when bad things happen. Like honestly shut UP. Get your big boy pants and keep moving forward. They also hate boring people. Self-explanatory.

24. Not quick or very quick depending entirely on vibes. Dani used to tell them they're gonna get themselves hurt but then she found just how correct Charlie is about whether someone is good or bad news. (Also some people Charlie can sense as being really bad or neutral bad. Neutral bad can gain Charlie's trust with time).

25. Same as above, their intuition is crazy good so they only suspect if there's a reason to be suspecting. Tone of voice is something that really sets Charlie off. In that way, it is easier for Charlie to discern when a friend is suspicious, because they're able to hear the differences in tone easier.

26. I mean... Charlie pretty much IS children so... fine. Unless the child is a little shit then Charlie holds no punches which can prove to be problematic.

27. Poorly. They're one to eliminate the cause of confrontation before the confrontation can even begin. If you stab the guy he doesn't have much space to argue about that other thing, does he?

28. It depends on the best route of action. Charlie is perfectly content to cause violence immediately if it's the quickest and best way to shut things down, if there's a better way, they'll do that.

29. Charlie wanted to be in some criminal minds hacker man's working for the government stuff. Charlie wanted to be Penelope Garcia. Then Charlie realized how that intel for the government wasn't a very flexible job, so they ended up being a teacher who on the side freelanced as a coder and security tester.

30. Charlie swears looking at poorly done coding actually gives them hives. Honestly though they're pretty hard to gross out.

31. At home, in bed, maybe with a friend or two, wearing one of those big hoodie blankets and playing on their switch.

32. School, in a class with no known friends, and a stranger is asking invasive questions that maybe wouldn't be stereotypically invasive. (i.e. "Why do you only talk about your siblings?")

33. Depends on the critic. If Charlie feels they're just being an asshole and that their critic is shit they aren't gonna listen, if it is valid critic they'll be defensive but still hear them out.

34. Charlie definitely moves on if it didn't work, unless it's worked before in which case they try to understand why it didn't work this time.

35. They're pretty casual, they're not very extroverted so they only really speak if prompted or if they have a quip, but they have a more comfortable energy with people they like, and will gravitate to them more in general.

36. They uh... they don't. It's like trying to get a baby to sit still, Charlie is gonna be looking for any way out as soon as possible, if not they'll start looking for a way to get the person taken away from them.

37. Honor probably. Charlie isn't the most confident in their personality but they are quite confident in their morals and skills.

38. They'll attempt to remove themself first but will happily remove the other if removing themself is too hard or not an option.

39. Probably? They've been bitten more by themself and their brother so animal bites haven't left much impact.

40. They are in a service job (pizza place) so they treat service workers with empathy (unless they are dicks for no real reason).

41. Charlie believes in earning the things that really matter. Charlie has also found that life usually gives you what you want even if you didn't know that's what you want (just make sure you acknowledge the possibility it can be taken away just as fast).

42. Naomi probably. Naomi is kind of a parental figure to all of them. Though Naomi does date Dani later so maybe that is relation of some sort.

43. Later on Charlie has a lot of students who end up looking up to them and looking to them for guidance. Charlie is also open for helping their students any way they can.

44. I love you doesn't really mean much to Charlie, love can be very finite. The moment they realized they were really truly in love with Riley was when they said "I want to spend forever with you." without meaning to (but still finding they really meant it).

45. Charlie doesn't know. That in a way does scare them, the unknown is the most scary thing to Charlie.

Alright! That's Charlie done, next is Riley!

[duskkit]

Along different lines but roughly the same sentiment:

I was thinking, last night as I tried to get to sleep, about how nice single-purpose devices are. Devices that aren't meant for internet browsing and all the varied uses that come with it, even if some of them do technically have the capability. Things we don't even think of when we say 'device', even.

It's rainy lately, and there's an occasionally leaky section of roofing in the bedroom that should have been fixed after last year's wet season, right along the same ceiling beam that the wires for the overhead light are attached to. I've been keeping the wall switch off because I don't want to risk water finding its way to a powered wire.

I don't have an overhead light, but lanterns are great. My flashlights kept flaking out, last year, but there's a great electric lantern that I've got now. It shines reliably and can be collapsed down into itself-- a little bit to block off some of the light, or a lot to shut it off when I'm done with it. It makes sure I don't trip getting into bed, provides a gentle light if I want to read for a while, and hangs from the doorknob when I leave the room for the day.

What got me on this line of thought: I don't have a way to tell time in my room, currently. I don't have a smartphone, my laptop is not great for carrying room to room (not actually heavy or unwieldy, just chronic pain), and there hasn't been an analogue clock on the wall in nearly a decade. The wall switch turns off the whole room's power, including the alarm clock. And... when was the last time I saw an actual watch?

Not a smart watch that has a screen and internet connection, but an actual watch with a second hand that goes tick-tick-tick? An actual watch that tells the time well if you know how to read it, just the time, using the whole of its face instead of shrinking it to hide between six or twelve other distracting functions?

To be fair, I might not know if half the population of my city wore watches every day. I didn't go out much even before covid times. But honestly, I bet it's not near 1% of people who wear watches ever, these days.

My elementary school, I think in second grade, gave me a cheap watch and lessons on how to tell time. A friend in middle school gifted me a pretty silver and pink one for a birthday, that I unfortunately haven't seen for years. I never noticed anybody wearing a watch to high school-- we all had phones, it would have been redundant. But I think it's a loss, that people don't consider watches much anymore.

And... I had an E-reader for a while. Nook simple touch with glowlight, or something like that. It was smaller and easier to transport than a laptop, but unlike a phone, still large enough hug to my chest like I might a really good book. Its screen did not rely on bright light to display, so that wasn't a constant battery drain when there was outside light to read by, and even when the internal lighting was on, it could be set way dimmer and gentler than any other computer screen I've ever seen. It could connect to the internet, but it didn't need to, my dad would collect stories on his computer and transfer them on by USB cable. The most WIFI access I'd give it would be a minute or so after a daylight savings time change, or a particularly long while without charge, to give the clock a chance correct. For a long time, I could get weeks or even months of use from a single charging. Read before school, during lunch break, after school, by sun or room lighting; and then read in bed by its internal lighting. Hours a day of reading, for years... until the times the Nook would run out of charge got close enough together (after a few replacement batteries, each harder to source and failing faster) that it didn't seem worthwhile to keep using it. I had my own laptop by that point, anyways, and browsing the internet directly was more efficient for finding new stories.

When I get sick, though, there's often this point where headaches or nausea make computer screens impractical. And, especially now that my chronic pain makes reading a paper book challenging, I really miss the much gentler screen of my Nook. It was great for times like that. But last time I tried to charge it, it took about an hour to even get out of complete shutdown mode, let alone to a level usable not still plugged in...

A smartphone or a laptop is a portable light, and clock, and E-reader, and much more. But there's a lot to be said for devices that, instead of trying to be (or trying to pretend to be) one-size-fits-all and every-purpose, simply do one thing, or a few things, very well in exactly the way the particular owner needs. For me: a lantern to light my way, a watch for compact portable time-keeping, an E-reader with gentle light for those times when I'm too sensitive to movement or stimulation for other forms of entertainment. (At least, hopefully I'll have that whole collection at once someday.)

Internet devices are so much more fragile, too, than ones that are mostly self-contained. At least user interface wise. Individual apps and the overarching operating system change all the time, often not positively. Whether the updates mean to protect against security exploits, to make a change the programmers think most people will like, or to include more ads, there's a decent chance at some point something you liked will get lost along the way. Such as, a lack of ads. More ads is never appreciated, but much more common than less ads. But also... some feature that only 20% of people use regularly, replaced by a related but not interchangeable feature somebody thinks the other 80% of people will find more useful? Hope you're not part of the 20% who relied on the way things were before...

smartphone storage plateauing in favor of just storing everything in the cloud is such dogshit. i should be able to have like a fucking terabyte of data on my phone at this point. i hate the fucking cloud

[velvetporcelain]

You can blame The Boys for my obsession with calling everything “mon coeur”

Grand rising my beloved void. Your nothingness is looking a bit bland so let me help. 👀💬

I woke up again today and it grounds me. I feel the soreness from the leaps and bounds I have made. I let it slow me down enough to be present mentally and physically.

I have never had this intimate of a relationship with myself. I am truly impressed by my nature. I am truly impressed with my ability to heal myself when I am hurt. I am impressed by my ability to navigate.

There is so much information being processed even more so at rest, so I’m learning to sit comfortably with my thoughts, not endure them. It takes divine focus of some sort. I’m convinced not everyone has realized how high our endurance levels are as humans. I think we have a pretty high tolerance for thought, but we do not have a high tolerance for boredom, simply because there are now able to plug ourselves into devices that keep are mind seriously occupied. Television, computers, phones, tablets. You will never have to endure feeling alone when you have your phone with you right?

One time I purposely did not bring my phone with me to school pick up and I had to awkwardly stand with a bunch of parents but I felt so present in the moment of everything that it made me want to somehow incorporate more of my pre-tech brain if you will.

I have been removing the unnecessary data and information being thrown at me. Ones I know I could easily learn to detach from. This disconnection was a bit more challenging than I anticipated, but I always felt like I was deleting the right information and replacing it with something worth receiving in hopes it awakens unrealized ideas within myself. Aka creative mind.

I do miss the feeling of community that social media is good at giving. But it’s only because there are many of us. I was able to take what I have learned from that sense of community and apply it to my reality. I know what to look for and what brings people together. Community is connection. I do feel connected with at least four of my neighbors and that’s a big deal I think. All people want is community and like minded individuals, and we are a lot more alike in more ways than not.

We say we need to Netflix and chill but even the television has bore me. It has bore me for so long now. I spent my entire childhood plastered right on the ground in front of a television, all through my twenties, where I was practically binging television. Nothing ever good. Shitty reality and cooking shows that I never gained any skill from 😆

Maybe a year ago? I started watching documentaries pretty consistently. It didn’t feel so fictitious, there was a sense of exposure in them. I have to be drawn to it in a certain way in order to pick one which I like the challenge of finding a potentially hidden gem. I am gaining the patience to watch series but I’m still able to get up and walk away when it bores me. In order to endure my idle mind I had gotten into watching YouTube horror shorts because it was efficient and kept giving short bursts of satisfaction. I still enjoy doing that, but it’s like my taste in things is constantly changing.

I almost feel like I’m grasping at something that can consistently help me endure boredom. Or is the point of life waking up every day and thinking of new ways of the world? With all the information we have at our hands. Movies. Books. Television. How could you ever possibly be BORED?

And that’s when it hit me. Why do we get anxious when we feel idle? What is it about us? I want everyone to shut up about being bored. There is absolutely no excuse to me. Boredom is inexcusable.

We have choice.

I have been delightfully quiet. Only the ones who I am connected to know I exist and I am so in love with that idea. I am enjoying this existence, I am an extremely lucky woman, and I act accordingly.

What do you think the phrase “I took it personally “ means?

Does it mean that you, yourself, took spiritual and mental responsibility for something someone said? Obviously there is some odd feeling that ignites.

Does it mean you took a punch of energy right in the gut? Why then is energy only real? When someone takes something personally maybe it makes them feel seen, or alive. I am learning this is the most difficult process to endure. It makes boredom a piece of cake.

The only solution I have come up with is when anyone thinks they know how to manipulate me emotionally and I feel I am going to take things personally, I remember I’m a grown ass woman and I can regulate and dominate my feelings. The fuck. Child watch out. I then gain the ability to detour this into something constructive and understandable. I am able to relieve my personal feelings in exchange for communication and clarity. Teaching myself and others how to set boundaries while also communicating my needs. Helping each other succeed.

I wish to be no one’s enemy. I am working on letting go of the urge to create images of people in my mind. Obviously if I feel there is no advantage to my own existence and no advantage to yours, then I accept the unanswered questions that may possibly be lingering because at this point I can only assume and that is a waste of good brain space. This is where I tend to make people my enemy, but I’m learning how to navigate.

This is where you let in flow. Everything is always going through us. I’m learning this as well. I never like to think I know more than others, I just like to think I feel more than others. I’m learning to express and feel what comes naturally to me and what does not. I’m practicing on putting my mentality at a position in power in order to manage and instill healthy thought discipline and emotional management in order to achieve clear communication and flowing consciousness. No longer jumping to conclusions, I don’t let my curiosity wander too far beyond my threshold for questions. I am becoming increasingly aware of my thought cycles and my ability to articulate.

Is emotional attachment to someone a bad thing? What does it look like when we are emotionally attached to ourselves?

Isn’t this the fucking point?

Feeling feelings you want to feel?

Ew. Looks like I still hate him.

Oh well. At least I know that my rage will keep me warm this winter.

-x

[buriedsecretspodcast]

Spirit boxes, radios, and analog ghost hunting

Why is does so much ghost hunting gear resemble tech from the 80s and 90s? Why do paranormal investigators tend to favor old technology? Does that act of using old tech add to the potential allure of ghost hunting?

As I've written about a couple times already, I'm interested in the idea that ghost hunting might be a way to turn away from the internet of today, in favor of interacting with the physical (and invisible) world using older technology. There's a sense of nostalgia there; for elder millennials, gen Xers, and boomers, many ghost hunting tools are reminders of older tech. For gen z and younger millennials, they're relics of an imagined idyllic time of 80's and 90's prosperity, something to satisfy a feeling of anemoia (nostalgia for a time you've never known).

In support of this idea, I'd like to explore different popular ghost hunting tools through the lens of nostalgia.

First up: the spirit box.

Shack Hacks and spirit boxes

Spirit boxes (or ghost boxes) are radios that have been modified to sweep AM or FM stations at a swift rate. (To oversimplify things, spirit boxes are used to communicate with ghosts. The idea is that you can ask questions and potentially receive answers through the garbled audio of tiny snippets of different radio stations.) Radios have been used for paranormal investigation for a while; in 2002, Frank Sumption came up with the first modern ghost box, the Frank’s Box. In the late 2000s, “Shack Hacks,” became popular; people would modify cheap RadioShack radios to work as spirit boxes. [^1]

As TV shows like Ghost Adventures popularized the use of spirit boxes in paranormal investigation, purveyors of paranormal gear began selling (more expensive) purpose-made spirit boxes. Nowadays, when you search for info about Shack Hacks, you'll likely come across a lot of websites from 2009 or so. Though many paranormal investigators carry an SB7 Spirit Box these days, the ghost-hunting device is still a humble, old-school radio.

Nostalgia

Everything about the spirit box's origin reeks of nostalgia (for someone my age, at least.) For example, "Shack Hacks" came from RadioShack, a once-successful retail chain catering toward hobbyists. The company had its peak in 1999, began to falter in the 2000s, and finally declared bankruptcy in 2015.

RadioShack still exists, after a fashion, but it's a shadow of its former self. (And honestly, when I went to look it up while writing this, I was shocked to find that they're still around at all. [^2])

I have such clear memories of going to RadioShack when I was a kid. There was one in the strip mall next to the grocery store, and while it never had the allure of larger electronics stores that sold computers, I remember going into the store and looking at their wares, such as radios and landline telephones (including very cool clear phones). And who could forget the novelty items that RadioShack carried, like Robie, an animatronic robot piggy bank? I had a Robie that delighted me when I was a kid.

To me, radios inhabit the same nostalgic space as landline phones[^3]. Radios are an old device, a remnant from a technologically simpler time. We've since replaced most physical gadgets with apps; streaming services like Spotify and internet radio stations have rendered radios nearly obsolete. When was the last time most people used an actual radio to listen to a terrestrial radio station, aside from possibly in an older car?

I'm not exactly a Luddite; I'm pretty into technology (but then again, so were the Luddites, technically, so maybe I am a Luddite). At any rate, I do sometimes wax nostalgic when I think about the days when we were surrounded by physical gadgets. There was something nice about being able to take something apart, see how it works, and fix it. If you had a radio back in the day, you could try to repair it yourself. But if you encounter a glitch in a streaming music app nowadays, you can go through a troubleshooting flow, but you're trying to fix something that's mostly invisible, out of reach, wrapped in code that you can't access and stored in a faraway cloud data center.

There's an immediacy to old tech that it's hard not to feel nostalgic for. And maybe that's one reason why physical gadgets are so popular when ghost hunting; when searching for something as immaterial as a spirit, it's nice to feel grounded by holding a simple, easily understood physical machine. In addition to that, ghost hunting apps are notoriously unreliable and known for putting their thumb on the scale, leading to inaccurate results. Part of that is their sheer opacity--it's hard to trust a random developer to write code that doesn't, say, favor scary-sounding outputs in the hope of pleasing their users. But I don't think that's everything.

These days, spirit boxes are the only sort of physical radios that I see discussed frequently. And so, just like last time, I have to ask myself: when people use vintage tech like radios to communicate with ghosts, are they just hoping to conjure conversation with spirits? Or are they also trying to evoke a sense of nostalgia or anemoia?

[^1]Check out my episode about the Solo Estes Method for my sources and more info about spirit boxes.

[^2] In case you're wondering about other iconic 1990s consumer electronics companies, I also learned that Circuit City still exists, apparently, as does its sibling brand CompUSA (albeit in zombified form).

[^3] And also piggy banks--are they still a thing? Seems like coins are being phased out these days.

[sinner-as-saint]

Somebody Else

(Mob AU) Cherry!Seb x Reader

Run-through: You decide that it’s high time to tell your boyfriend about the other man in your life, because you couldn’t lie nor keep it a secret anymore. And needless to say, he doesn’t take it very well.

Themes: angst, smut, jealous!seb, fluff

a/n: for those confused, ‘cherry!seb’ is mob!seb, we just gave him a name because well, click here

You were so anxious that it was hard to breathe for a little while. 

The moment you heard his car entering the gates, you shot up from the couch and rushed down the stairs. You had been thinking about this for a while now, but tonight was the right time. You couldn’t lie anymore. And it hurt you each time you had to refrain yourself from bringing it up on the phone. 

Just as you reached the foyer, you watched Seb walk in - the notorious mob boss who was mean, and ruthless and cruel to anyone else but you. To you, he was everything you could ask for. 

He smiled the moment his eyes met yours. “Hi babygirl.” He opened his arms and engulfed you in a warm, tight bear hug. He had been away for work for days, and right now all he wanted was to be home with you. 

“Hi baby. Welcome home.” You nuzzled his neck and inhaled his absolutely delicious cologne. You pulled away to look up at him but he was busy scanning your outfit. 

He frowned for a brief moment, “Are we going somewhere?” He couldn’t help but ask because although you always looked beautiful, the little sundress you were wearing was absolutely stunning. 

You linked your arm with his as you two walked further into your home. “Nope.” You answered, and bit down on your lip as you looked up at him. 

He stopped and grabbed you by the waist to pull you closer to give you a sweet kiss on the lips. He pulled away gently, “So you got all dressed up just for me?” You nodded at his question and he chuckled, leaning in to kiss the side of your mouth again. “You know, as much as I appreciate you looking extra pretty for me, all I wanna do it get you out of this dress and-,”

“No,” You whined playfully, pulling away. “Not happening. Go freshen up, I made dinner.” You watched how his brows furrowed a little at you. 

“Okay…” His reply sounded more like a question. “Did I forget something, baby? Our anniversary is in December, your birthday is next month and we-,” 

You cut him off again, he was stressed out you could tell. “You didn’t forget anything. You’ve been working a lot lately, you’ve been away from home a lot. I just wanted to do something nice for when you get back.” You whispered, grabbing him by his face and pulling him in for a kiss. 

He moaned into the kiss and tightened his arms around you, feeling your warm body beneath the dress. “You didn’t have to do anything. You make me feel so much better just by being here with me.” He whispered, his voice deeper, as he kissed his way down your neck. His touch was very persuasive and you almost gave in but then you remembered… 

“Okay,” You giggled as you pulled away. “Don’t ruin my plans, now go shower. I’ll be waiting,” You pulled away from his embrace and he groaned as you walked away from him. You turned to face him one last time before you walked into the open kitchen, “And you better be back before I finish my first glass of wine.” You winked at him. 

He bolted. Ran upstairs as fast as he could, smiling to himself and wondering how he got so lucky. 

Seb showed up sometime later, showered and relaxed; smelling even better. You watched him enter the kitchen, his body moving slowly but confidently - dressed in nothing but just dark grey sweatpants. You bit your lip again as he walked over to you and tried to get all cozy again but you pushed him away playfully. 

Midway through dinner, he looked up at you and took your hand in his. “This is torture.” He murmured, taking a sip of wine while rubbing slow circles on the back of your hand. 

You smirked. “What, I made your favorite dinner, opened your favorite wine. How is that torture?” You knew you had to get him in the right mood before telling him all that you had to say. 

He studied your face for a while, narrowing his eyes at you. “Is there something you want? Babygirl, you know all you have to do is ask. Whatever it is, I’ll get you.” He spoke, then lifted your hand up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to your knuckles. 

You tilted your head to the side. “What do you mean? I make us dinner all the time, why does this seem suspicious to you?” 

He playfully nipped at your finger. “Because I know you too well. And I know you’re up to something.” 

You pulled your hand away to pick up your fork again. “Well I’m not, now eat up.” 

Dinner was just as perfect as you wanted it to. And another glass of wine later, you and Seb found yourselves on the couch in the living room, watching a movie - barely, because Seb was having trouble keeping his hands to himself. 

Each time he slid his hand under your dress, you pushed his hand away. You purposely dodged each one of his kisses, and you knew it wouldn’t be long before he snaps. But you needed to get him desperate enough to where you’d have his whole attention. 

“Babygirl,” he whined, pulling you on his lap again, “Give me a kiss, come on.” He grabbed your face and pressed his lips to yours. You kissed him back, wondering if you should just tell him now. 

You pulled away from his kiss and straddled him, he looked up at you with the same curious look he’s had all evening. “Okay,” you took a deep breath. “There’s something I need to tell you.” 

Seb raised an eyebrow at you. “See? I knew it. I knew you were up to something.” He almost purred as he ran his hands up and down your thighs. 

You inched closer to him, and cupped his face in your hands so you had his undivided attention. “I love you, you know that, right? I will always love you, no matter what.” 

He blinked at you, nodding. 

You kept going. “And whatever happened, it was… it was so unexpected. I wouldn’t call it a mistake but I- I didn’t think it through at the moment. But that doesn’t mean I love you any less.” 

He sat up a little straighter, grabbing your hips so you don’t fall off his lap. He blinked once again. “Baby, what are you talking about?” His heart raced just a little. He had no idea where this was going. 

You sighed, and looked down at his bare chest. You brought your hand down and traced along his freckles and indents of his muscles. “Um, recently you’ve been gone a lot. And I’m fine with it really, I mean I know you work so much and how important work is for you. But I… I was so lonely and vulnerable at the time and he just-,”

Seb cut you off with a look of horror on his face. “He? Who’s ‘he’?” He looked like he was confused, angry and surprised all at once. 

“Baby, just listen, okay? It didn’t mean anything, it’s not… I wasn’t supposed to get attached but then you know, I-,”

Seb cut you off by sitting up straighter and he grabbed both your wrists and held them away from his face. “Attached? To who? You… you found somebody else?” 

You sighed, “Baby… I didn’t mean for it to happen.” 

His eyes widened. “What the hell are you talking about? Did you- do you… did you cheat on me?” His voice cracked a little by the end. 

You lowered your head in shame. “I… I met him through a friend, they know each other and he was staying with her until he found a new place. And he came along with her when I invited them for dinner the other night. You were away at that time, and I… it wasn’t supposed to but it just happened.” 

Seb repeated your words in his mind. It just happened… it just happened? 

He grabbed your thigh and pushed you to the side, gently. His movements were so slow as he got up from the couch with a frown on his face. “What… what do you mean ‘it just happened’?” He walked a few steps away, stopping by the fireplace and then turned to look at you. You sat criss-cross on the couch, lowering your face still. “Look at me!” You could hear the disbelief in his voice. 

You lifted your head up to look at him. His body flushed with the anger he was having trouble containing. He ran his fingers through his short hair, his muscles flexing as he did. 

“I’m sorry.” You murmured. 

He looked at you like the apology only drove another dagger through his heart. “You’re sorry?” He sounded defeated. “You cheat on me, and that’s all you have to say? That you’re sorry?” 

“Babe, I-,” 

He snapped. “Don’t call me that!” He took a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair again as he paced in front of the fireplace. “Why.. how did- when did you…” he stopped rambling. Too many thoughts ran through his mind all at once. He was having trouble breathing, and his head was pounding - he felt like he was going to be sick. 

“When they came over for dinner that night, uh, we all had a little too much to drink and I couldn’t let them drive back home so I offered that they spend the night and leave in the morning. And that’s when I… I got to know him a little more and…” You looked at Seb and found him staring at you, his heart breaking, “and that’s when-,”

“Enough.” He looked away, hands on his waist. “So you just- why are you even telling me this right now? Why tell me at all? Because you couldn’t live with yourself, or is it… is it because you’re in love with him or something?” 

Your silence gave him the answer he needed. 

“What the fuck? You’re just gonna throw away all we had for this dude? Who the hell is he anyways? You know I’m gonna find out who he is and I’m gonna make sure it hurts when I-,”

You got up from the couch and walked over to him, placing your hands on either side of his waist. His skin was warmer than usual. “Seb please, I care about him.” 

Seb looked at you like you spoke some other language. “What bullshit is this?” His heart was beating like crazy, an unpleasant chill dancing down his spine as he felt the tips of his fingers getting numb. “You… you what? Are you-,” He stopped talking abruptly, panic showing all over his face briefly before it was replaced by burning anger. He pushed your hands away from his body. “Is he… is he here right now?” He gestured upstairs. “Are you keeping him here? Has he been here this whole time?” 

“Baby, just listen okay? He needed a place to-,”

Seb cut you off by rushing past you and rushing to the drawer where he kept a spare gun, always. You ran after him. 

“Seb, wait.” You caught up with him at the stairs. “Just wait, okay, I-,” 

He cut you off by grabbing your wrist and tugging you along as he rushed up the stairs. “So not only do you cheat on me, but you let him stay in our own home?” He sounded like he was trying so hard not to unleash the beast inside at you. “What did you think, you were gonna convince me and all three of us would live happily ever after?” 

You remained quiet, you hadn’t expected this to turn so violent so soon. 

When you reached the landing upstairs, Seb pushed you against the wall, almost growling in anger as he caged you in. “I’ll deal with you later, babygirl. But first I’m gonna deal with your little boy toy and I’m gonna make you watch as I hurt him.” He meant it, every single word. “Where is he?” he asked, his voice dropping so low that you visibly shivered. 

You opened your mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “Don’t hurt him.” You murmured and his hands were shaking with all the emotions that he was having trouble dealing with all at once. 

He chuckled, darkly. You looked into his eyes and they had darkened too. “Don’t tell me what to do, babygirl. Do you really think you can protect him?” He leaned in closer, his lips just inches away from yours, “Where is he?” He asked slowly. 

There was no way for you to get out of this one. “The… guest room.” 

Seb didn’t move for a few seconds, his brain still processing all of what just happened in the span of a few minutes. His heart was breaking more and more with each passing moment. “I’m gonna burn this whole house down,” he grabbed your wrist again, tugging you further down the hallway and towards the guest room, “With him in it.” He growled the last bit. 

He gave you a piercing look as you reached the guest room. He let go of your hand and cocked his gun. He didn’t even think twice as he burst through the door, “You piece of-,” 

You heard how his voice died down into a groan. You pushed open the door even wider and took a step further in, you crossed your arms over your chest as you leaned against the doorframe. You giggled at the sight in front of you. 

Seb clutched his chest as he fell onto his knees on the floor, exhaling loudly and lowering his head to the floor. And in front of him was the little ball of black and white fur - your new pup, a baby Border Collie. 

Your friend was fostering him, and she brought the pup along when she came over for dinner the other night and told you about how he needed a forever home. You hadn’t thought about having a dog just yet, but when you saw this little baby that night, you knew you had to keep him. So you did, and you hadn’t told Seb about it right away. 

And well, he just found out. 

“Isn’t he handsome?” You asked, and upon hearing your voice, the little one yelped and ran over to you on its little legs. You giggled as you picked him up and walked further into the room, which was filled with everything a dog could need. You went over and knelt right in front of Seb, holding up the pup, making them both face each other. 

“Don’t burn the house down. I’m sorry I cheated on you with this handsome boy.” You teased. 

Seb finally lifted his head to look at you both. He hissed, “I think I’m having a heart attack. Or my blood pressure is really really high.” He locked his gun and tossed it to the side. “Woman, you’re killing me.” 

You rolled your eyes at Seb. “Oh stop your theatrics.” You looked down at your new dog, stroking his soft fur. “Did you really think I would cheat on you?” When you looked back up at your boyfriend, he was looking down at the dog. 

“You scared me for a moment. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think, I just...” He groaned. “You really know how to mess with me, don’t you?” 

You giggled, and he threw you a dirty look before picking up the pup from your arms to inspect it better. “So this little guy kept you company while I was gone?” The little one yelped and started licking Seb’s chin eagerly. “I think I’ll forgive him, good thing he’s cute.” 

You watched them both, smiling like crazy. “I named him Kenny.” 

-

You then spent the next hour explaining how you got the dog and hung out with your new pet, until Kenny fell asleep. And while you stepped out of the room, Seb grabbed you and pushed you against the wall again, just outside the guest room. 

“I hope you know that had there been a guy in there, I would shoot him first and ask questions later.” He whispered before pressing his lips to yours. 

You smiled into the kiss, giggling when he bit down on your lip. “You crazy man,” You pulled away to look into his eyes. “I love you, I wouldn’t do that to you, to us.” 

“Hmm,” he leaned in to kiss your neck. “Don’t you dare leave me.” He mumbled against your skin. “I mean it.” 

“Else you’re gonna burn this house down?” You teased him for his dramatic threat earlier. 

He groaned, pinching your butt and making you squeal. “Or I’m gonna burn this whole city to the ground,” he corrected you, “And everyone in it.” He added, making you chuckle as you pulled him in for another kiss. 

Seb had gotten rid of your dress before you even made it to your bedroom. 

You laughed as you made him chase you around the room, and he groaned each time he missed you. “Come here, you little-,” He finally caught you and pinned you down on the bed, straddling you and gripping your wrists in his hands as he leaned down to kiss you. “You better make up for almost giving me a stroke, babygirl.” He murmured. 

You gasped as he bit down on your neck, kissing and licking along your throat. “And you better make up for being away so much.” You sassed. 

He chuckled. “Well then, we both have a lot to make up for it seems.” 

Seb placed his mouth on top of yours to swallow your whimpers and moans as he pushed his cock into you. He groaned as he pushed himself fully into you. He lifted his head and watched you grimace in pleasure and pain as his cock stretched you out. He watched you in awe as your lips parted and you moaned his name once he filled you up nicely. 

You whined as he slowly slipped out of you completely, before slamming back into you with a slightly bigger force. 

He groaned at the feeling of your walls wrapped around him, squeezing and clenching around him. You heard him swear and felt him bite down on your lip as he sped up into you. He tugged on your lips and he started moving his hips; rocking into you slowly, then gradually increasing his speed. Your back arched off the surface of the bed again and your chest pressed to his.  

He moaned into your ear. “You’re mine.” 

“Baby…” You were a moaning mess under him in no time. There was something about the way he kissed you, deeply and passionately; as though he was scared you might just get away from him.

He worshipped your body. He mumbled how good you felt in your ear, groaning as you bucked your hips to meet each one of his thrusts as well. He kissed you roughly as he pounded into you; fingers wrapped around your throat. He fucked you raw and relentlessly, watching how your face morphed into frowns of pleasure. 

He pressed his forehead on yours; looking down to where your bodies connected so intimately. Then he pulled away to look into your eyes with that animalistic, primal and fiery look in his eyes. His lips parted as he panted while he fucked you like he owned you.

“You missed me, didn’t you, babygirl?” 

You nodded, whining in pleasure. He smirked. His hand left your neck and slid in between your connected bodies and furiously rubbed your clit, earning a loud moan out of you.

“Say it, baby. Tell me how much you missed my cock buried deep inside you…” 

You couldn’t talk as the pressure in between your legs became too much to handle, and you craved for release. 

He cooed, “Missed me so much it had you acting up. Scheming for ways to torture me for being away from you for so long…” a dark chuckle followed his words, “For not being here to fuck this greedy little cunt, huh?”

He noticed that you were too much in a haze to respond. So he just slipped his tongue back into your mouth and took your bottom lip between his teeth again.

“Come on, cum for me babygirl…,” he swore as he felt you clench around him perfectly. You came hard around him, moaning and whimpering under him as he finished right after you; kissing your swollen lips deeply as he came.

He pushed his face into the crook of your neck as he caught his breath. And you cradled his head; panting as well. Your fingers gently massaged his scalp as he calmed his racing heart. “I’ve missed you so much.” You mumbled. 

A few moments later, he shifted all his weight right on top of you making you laugh as you tried to scoot out from under him. 

He groaned and pulled you closer. “Come here.” He pressed you against his body and wrapped his arms around. “I love you. So much. Don’t you ever leave me.” 

You buried your face into his chest, inhaling his scent. “Never happening. You’re my one and only.”

[friend-through-teenage-nights]

Yeah when I started making my own tapes o would just maximise the volume on my laptop and put it near the tape recorder and my early ones were pretty horrific. Now I use a jack-to-jack audio cable which plugs into my phone and the tape recorder for much cleaner results.

I started out recording radio programmes that weren't commercially available or even on YouTube onto blank cassettes for personal media preservation purposes, nearly six years ago now. It's very special having these records of what my 17 year old self thought was worth keeping - I also put on songs to fill up the last few minutes. It's such a private and personal thing. Some of my old ones have snatches of me and my brother talking in the background from when he came into my room while I was recording. I have so many cassettes now I got a couple of storage drawers off eBay!

In addition to those, my grandma tipped me off to the fact that charity shops often have official cassettes of old 50s/60s radio programmes (I have a huge collection of cassettes of The Goon Show all from charity shops). After a year and a half I realised I could get albums of bands I liked that were old enough on eBay- my Men at Work Business as Usual cassette I listened to do many times in my first year of university I could use it to very quickly send me to sleep because it was so familiar. Also Madness and Simon and Garfunkel, which were two of my favourite bands as a teenager and the cassettes replaced my scratched CDs. I've bought cassette albums to hear more of artists I wanted to hear more and was confident from what I knew that I would like the majority of their output like Weird Al and Elvis Costello. I've got cassettes from people's personal collections that they decided to sell with handwritten notes about the programme (including my uncle who let me peruse his old tapes and take what I wanted), and at the other extreme, a couple of Lemon Demon albums which are on cassette for trendy indie purposes. Also, the complete Beatrix Potter series which I used to have as a child, and a two hour novelisation of Asterix in Britain, which I bought when I was very ill and away from home and wanted to be comforted.

You listen to tapes! Do you have any favourites that you own? Do you make your own with blank tapes?

Yes!! :D

My favourites are all my Cure tapes (I have all their albums except their most recent 3 which weren't released on cassette, one day I'll make bootleg cassettes of them myself hehe) and also my copy of Within the Realm of a Dying Sun by Dead Can Dance which is in amazing condition and sounds sooooo good (but I also love the sound of shitty dying tape it's so nostalgic and warm) and also my copy of Out of Time by REM which was my first cassette I got as a present from my bf for Christmas and also my copy of - you get the idea 😁

I did try to make a mixtape! I called it "summer madness" and it's like funk/soul/jazz songs from the late 70s/early 80s that I love but I recorded it on a portable tape recorder and the quality is genuinely unlistenable :/ I'm saving up for a proper tape deck though so I can record in better quality 😁 I have many many many mixtape ideas I want to bring to fruition. And neon green blank tapes. Which I absolutely love and cannot wait to fill with stuff. Tapes are so underrated. Which is maybe a good thing. Because otherwise they'll get super expensive.

What about you?? What's your faves in your collection? Do you make any mixtapes? Any cool mixtape ideas?

[cripplecharacters]

Hey! I'm writing about a partially blind character and I have a few questions.

Is it realistic for him to have taught himself to read braille? For context he has no one he can go to to teach him to use braille.

Would he even use braille in the first place?

Are the canes that blind people use called a Probing cane, or have I been taught misinformation?

Would he even use one?

With the context above of not having a support system, could he adapt to using one on his own?

Also, is it shoehorning to have him use assisstive technology: I.e. voice over on a smart phone, audio descriptions, etc.?

Hi! I will be honest and say that there is very limited information to go off of for this character in this ask, so if you could provide more details about his life and place in the story, that might help us give better answers.

However, without any additional information, I do have some questions as to why it is that he has no access to someone who could teach him these things if he is in a modern setting. Does he have access to internet? A phone? It sounds like he at least has a smart phone, which should be able to give him access to a host of information on these things. Not enough to replace a real person to teach him, but certainly enough to get himself started and even connect with someone online to teach him.

Admittedly, good, positive information about blindness and how to learn blindness skills is pretty limited on the Internet, and it is hard to find the good sources from the bad ones, but there is a host of information out there. Many blind people end up connecting with people on the Internet before finding others in real life, and the Internet would actually be my first suggestion for getting a blind person connected with community. At least a younger blind person who is comfortable with technology.

Granted, I would give them specific recommendations to look up, because like I said there are a lot of bad sources out there, but almost every major city in all 50 states of the US has a local chapter of the National Federation of the Blind, for example, which is a great resource for meeting other blind people and asking them how to do things. That resource is available on the internet. There are also things like Facebook groups that are easily findable that can be useful, too. It is not uncommon at all for blind people to connect with each other online and teach each other how to do things or help each other find resources in their state.

More modern day resources (focused on the US for now since that’s where I live and I don’t have much information about the character) include a rehabilitation agency for blind and disabled people in every state that is specifically dedicated toward getting disabled people training on these skills and access to this equipment. Also, if the character grew up blind, he may have had instruction in some of these things already, though often times blind kids with more residual vision wind up being neglected and forced to rely on nothing but large print in magnification and straining their eyes instead of being taught things like braille and cane use because of ableism and abled professionals believing that they should always use the visual method first. It is still a possibility though, and at the very least he would have had an IEP, even if he was only given access to large print. The education system would have connected him to lots of resources where he could’ve come back around to as an adult to learn those skills if he didn’t learn them growing up.

I think my biggest question is why he doesn’t have access to people to learn these skills. What purpose does it serve in the story? Are you using it as a plot device? How could you still give him access to these important life skills and still get the story you want? Is that lack of resources going to run the risk of reinforcing harmful stereotypes about blind people? There is always something a little uncomfortable about denying a disabled character access to mobility aids and means of accessibility for the purpose of serving another narrative, so I would suggest thinking about changing that if you can. There are ways of writing that lack of resources in a way that tells a powerful story about how many unfair artificial barriers blind people face to get access to those things, but that can require a lot of research and nuance that can be very hard to get right if you aren’t blind yourself.

As for the specific skills you mentioned though, let me try and address each one individually:

Braille

[plain text: Braille]

Braille is probably the hardest skill to learn on this list in a way that is at all useful without a proper teacher. It is not entirely impossible though. At the very least, if he does in fact have access to the Internet, he could be either learning with somebody online, learning with someone in person that he met online, or at the very least using a little booklet of current braille symbols that he bought online. You can find things like that for around $10 depending on where you look. This one is my favorite for keeping in my bag. There are also plenty of articles and YouTube videos that give overviews of how Braille works, even though it won’t likely make enough sense until he can actually touch it.

It would be difficult and challenging and probably slow to learn this way without a teacher, but there are people who do it. And to further assist that effort, there are programs like the free slate and stylus program at the NFB that gives away free braille writing tools, which he could also utilize to learn. But again, it would be difficult without a teacher or at least an online friend. He may only be easily able to teach himself the alphabet and a small chunk of symbols, and he will probably struggle to figure out the right reading positions for his hands and struggle to read or write quickly without a teacher.

As for the other question about whether he would even use it in the first place, that definitely varies greatly person to person, but I almost always encourage writers to choose yes. Braille is an incredibly valuable skill, even in the modern age with things like screen readers and audiobooks. I have a great post about this on my own blog that I will link here. Long story short: less than 10% of all blind children in the US or given any braille instruction at all because many sighted professionals believe it is obsolete, but it’s very, very far from obsolete. It is a skill he should want to know how to use and deserves access to if at all possible.

White Cane

[plain text: White Cane]

On the topic of canes, let me first address your question about what it is called. It is, very rarely and in certain places, occasionally referred to as a probing cane, but that term is very outdated and also extremely rare and not at all in modern use by anyone except perhaps a strange fringe organization or two. I’ve never met a blind person who does refer to their own cane as a probing cane.

The more appropriate term to use would be a white cane, or just a cane for casual conversation. White cane is slightly more formal and is helpful when trying to distinguish between the canes that we as blind people use versus the canes that a physically disabled person might use for physical support, and many people will conversationally just call it a cane with people who know them or already know about blindness. You may also see it referred to as a long white cane, which is pretty interchangeable with just white cane. It’s also on the slightly more formal side mostly used for writing or public information purposes.

Next, on the topic of whether he would even use one, this again varies greatly by person. Unfortunately, there is also a pretty intense deficit of blind people getting taught cane skills largely due to institutional ableism in the blindness field, and also due to internalized ableism with a lot of blind people being really self-conscious to use one or feeling like it is a statement of how disabled they are if they do.

Again though, it is a topic where I almost always encourage writers to choose yes. Not only do we desperately need more representation of blind characters with canes, but writing a blind character who chooses not to use one or is not interested in learning also requires a whole lot of nuance that can be hard to do if you yourself are not blind and do not have all of the complicated messy lived experiences to understand how many factors go into that choice. I would suggest that yes, your character should use one, both because it is a powerful tool of empowerment and independence and because it is great representation that may even help more people feel braver about the idea of using themselves in real life after reading your story. It sounds like you currently know pretty little about a lot of the experiences of living as a blind person, so I think it is much safer to go with yes, especially since you are not blind yourself.

To answer your question about if it is feasible for him to learn how to use it on his own though, the answer is… Sort of??

This is again an area where there is very little information online that is actually good and reliable, but that’s not to say it’s not out there. Plus, using a cane without any proper training is definitely quite a bit easier than trying to learn braille without a teacher. If he does not have access to someone online or an in person community that can teach him, his technique will probably be rather poor, but he should at least be able to figure out the basics of making sure the cane is far enough out in front of himself to detect obstacles with enough time to move around them, and that he needs to move it from side to side in a wide enough arc to cover both shoulders.

Being graceful and genuinely really good at using a cane does require a lot of training, and it’s even more helpful if you can be taught by a blind person, but the basic skills for fundamental safety are relatively intuitive enough that he could figure it out on his own or by reading articles. A really great free resource that gives a step-by-step primer is called The Care and Feeding of the Long White Cane.

Tip: there are also things like the free white cane program if he would have a hard time affording one.

Assistive Technology

[plain text: Assistive Technology]

Finally, to answer your last question about whether it is shoehorning to have him use things like audio description and voiceover on an iPhone, for these things specifically, I would say absolutely not. In general I would never say that having a disabled character use assistive technology is shoehorning, because as long as you are capable of writing in general, you should be able to work it in just like you would any other important or incidental life object or tool. In fact, seeing disabled characters in media using assistive technology without making a huge production out of it is one of my favorite things in the world. I would highly recommend doing this.

It also helps that the two things you mentioned specifically, audio description and voiceover on the iPhone, are pretty easy to access and learn how to use. Audio description in particular doesn’t really require learning how to use it at all, just knowing how to turn it on initially on a platform like Netflix. Learning how to use a screen reader can be more complicated, but VoiceOver on the iPhone in particular is definitely one of the easier ones that is more intuitive, and it even gives you a helpful introductory guide in the settings app. Is an excellent way to incorporate subtle elements of accessibility into your characters life that he would totally have access to even if he doesn’t have teachers or other blind friends around to teach him. I am giving this one an enthusiastic yes.

I hope these answers were helpful even though I don’t have that much information to go on. I tried to operate within a generic modern setting, but if you have clarifications, you are welcome to reach out, either on here or on my own blindness blog.

— Mod Lane