#i could not be comfortable in a room of nearly all white cishets

[tuttle-did-it]

I love these too, specifically because aside from Spock and Bones, generally all of the Star Trek characters on TOS and TNG got along very well and had little to no personal conflicts. The closest you could count was Reg Barclay, who was clearly neurodiverse and annoyed everyone. That little side plot aside, nearly all of the characters got along nearly all of the time. I don't know about you, but life has never worked that way for me-- especially considering they're all cishets, and nearly all of them white.

I LOVE that Julian is an acquired taste. I love that they let entire seasons go by where people are like 'okay but Julian makes me crazy.' I love it. I love that Julian doesn't have to change being himself, and that everyone just learns to accept and like him on these terms.

love the ds9 episodes where julian and someone who doesnt like him very much go on a mission together and get into some life threatening situation and almost die together and then they come back as good friends. becoming ride or die with julian bashir speed run

[pingnova]

older relatives who are cishet white boomers are of course so very different from me it’s painful at times. but they also taught me things that have nothing to do with the extreme mismatch of our material realities. they’ve always been spiritual teachers to me even if I disagree with them about most things.

my grand aunt on my mom’s mom’s side is an Elvis fan like I’m a supernatural fan - except perhaps even more than me? she loved Elvis as a teenager and never stopped. an entire room in her home is dedicated to her comprehensive collection of Elvis memorabilia, and she always has a little Elvis thing on her. her billfold has an Elvis print on the front and I always saw it when she took it out to give me a couple dollars for candy or paid for groceries at the store. as I struggled growing up with fandom - people thinking it made me weird as a kid, parents who wanted me spending my time on money making activities, people thinking it made me immature as an adult - my grand aunt and her Elvis wallet brought me a lot of comfort. people for ages and ages have been fans from teenagers until their hair is gray. I like Harry Potter and supernatural and probably will for a very long time. I even hope it will be as long and as strong as my grand aunt loves Elvis. when we were both younger and her knees were better she would put on an Elvis record she’s had since a teenager, that she’s clutched with glee unwrapping it for Christmas, cried over boyfriends with, and played during her honeymoon and family thanksgivings with me. she’d set the needle and it would play perfectly because she’s always treasured it and kept it lovingly prepared to play her favorite tunes for us to dance to in her kitchen while making cookies well beyond her teen years until I her grand niece was in her life. she’s a fan, a hugely dedicated fan, and that’s awe inspiring. there’s always been something she just liked for no other reason than it brought her joy and she stuck with it long past the point anyone would call it childish. I remember looking at her Elvis wallet one day a few years ago and realizing she was me in many years. we were both fans. I could only hope I would one day reach the point where my grandkids smile a little when they watch me pull out a wallet with the ravenclaw crest or an antipossession symbol on it because it’s sweet an old person has held on to their passions.

I learned things too from my grand aunts sister, my grandma, my mom’s mom. she had polio as a child as many of her age did. it wasn’t eradicated yet and so it was a scary nearly inevitable part of life during those times. if it didn’t kill whoever caught it, they were disabled for life typically. my grandma survived but one of her legs suffered a lot, today it’s skinny as a stick and is essentially just bone. she can’t stand on it. polio was eradicated with aggressive preventative vaccination and herd immunity which protected those who couldn’t be vaccinated for health reasons. my grandma had complications the rest of her life because of a contagious serious disease and she recounted many tales of grief and terror growing up in a time when they couldn’t do much of anything about it. so when covid rolled around for my generation and people actively refused a vaccine that was developed in mere MONTHS when polio took years and years to develop a vaccine against - I was just flabbergasted. my grandma had we access to a vaccine against polio in mere months would have lived a fuller and longer life with full use of her legs if everyone had rushed to get it. I would know many more older adults because they would have survived childhood polio. we lost many people in that generation to that terrible disease. there are still many alive today who remember how devastating it was, but somehow we have forgotten in the generations in between what a privilege vaccination is. I watch my grandma whose quality of life deteriorates every day in large part due to her history with polio and wonder how anyone can think it’s worth the risk to themselves, their loved ones, and all of society. I had never lived through something like that but my grandma instilled those values in me early on which I feel helped me understand the covid pandemic from a different light than some of my peers. I feel like in some ways she prepared me for the unthinkable by imparting her ancestral knowledge to me throughout my life. while I never thought it would be so literally applicable, it didn’t take me long as I grew to realize that knowledge was invaluable insight into the active maintenance of a just society. so I’m so glad to her for sharing her life with me so easily through the years - and that I stopped to listen even when I was a kid with no worries of global disabling disease.

[korra-the-red-lion]

Unnatural Affairs. Chapter 6: Decision.

(Ally)

Monday, 5:30pm.

I sat at the library table, sitting with Michael and Mags. We had to work on a group project for our Drama/English class, and we were lucky enough to choose our own partners. Michael was an obvious pick since we became fast friends, and Mags and I got along really well.

Mags reached into the chip bag and pulled a decent handful. “Does anyone else hate this project?” they asked as they shoved chips in their mouth.

I nodded as Michael tilted his head back with a groan. “It’s like Kinkly just wants everyone to love drama as much as he does, but we don’t,” said Michael.

The project we were working on is out of three options, and we decided to go for option #2, which was take a scene and adapt it. After that, we had to do an analyse as to why we picked the scene we did and what it meant. We hadn’t even picked a scene yet as all the drama books sat opened around us as we read through them. Some of them were just so boring.

I reached over and grabbed a few fries out of the McDonald’s bag. We just bought a bunch of food and forced ourselves to work through this until we at least had something we could work with.

“I just don’t get why he couldn’t at least pick something more interesting,” said Mags as they picked up our copy of Miss Julie, “or at least recent.”

“Now, Mags, don’t be ridiculous,” tsked Michael. “It’s not good if it was written before 1990, and even that’s pushing it.”

We laughed at that as I reached for Medea. “Maybe we could do something different with it, though. Like, what if we genderbend a character or something? I know it might change how the scene is portrayed, but at least it won’t be incredibly cishet and male.” I gave Michael an apologetic smile, who just shrugged.

“Don’t forget white,” he added mildly, batting his eyelashes at me. I snorted, he got me there.

“Not a terrible idea, Holland,” said Mags appreciatively. “I mean, it is one of the only ideas we’ve had so far, though.”

The misery that just blew through the group was nearly palpable. It was clear that we weren’t getting anywhere. And to top it off, we all hated this class and the project. Motivation was at an all time low.

“Maybe we should take a break,” I suggested. When the others agreed, I got up to use the washroom. As I was walking towards it, I could hear the sounds of sirens. Yokeville was a small town, so the sounds of sirens were a little uncommon. Still, sirens were just a part of daily living. It wasn’t until I was walking back that I could see the flashing lights.

Confused yet intrigued, I headed to the little café in the library, where there were massive windows that you could see a good portion of the campus from. The lights were flashing through, and a few students had wandered over to see what was going on like I did.

There was an ambulance and a couple of police cars parked in front of the Athletic Centre. Huh, I wondered why that was. Obviously, someone must have called 9-1-1, but the question was why?

That question was answered quickly as all of our phones went off with an alarm all at once. My heart raced a little as I read that they may be a dangerous individual on campus and that we were to remain where we were. The library staff raced to lock the door and told us to get away from the windows.

I went back to our table. Michael looked over at me and gently took my hand when he saw it trembling. “Hey, we’re okay.”

“But someone else might not be,” I whispered.

He had nothing to say then. We sat in a tense quiet. Students around us where texting and calling their parents to let them know what was going on. I thought about doing the same but thought I should maybe wait until we had more information. I didn’t want my mom to worry.

I could feel my chest constricting a little as the tension settled in. My stomach twisted into a knot as I settled against Michael, taking comfort in his presence. Mags reached over and squeezed my hands, and I gave them a grateful smile.

I wasn’t sure how long it had been since we locked the doors, as we decided to watch Pitch Perfect on Netflix to pass the time, but all of sudden there was a thumping that caused a panicked whisper to spread throughout the library. The elderly lady who worked behind the desk cautiously approached, holding up the fire axe as her weapon of choice. It turned out one of the officers was knocking, and she let him in.

She told us all after that we were going to be escorted back to our residences, and that situation had been dealt with. What gave me the most anxiety about this whole thing was that they didn’t tell us what happened. We saw EMS, and the police had been looking for a dangerous individual. Was someone hurt? Who was this person? I couldn’t help but look towards the Athletic Centre as I walked back to my residence.

I wondered if Lyn was okay…

XXX

Classes were cancelled for the week.

An email was sent out explaining that some deranged sociopath had broken into the Athletic Centre and attacked one of the swimmers, but they had been apprehended by the RCMP. I had sent a panicked text to Lyn, and felt my chest loosen when she responded back saying she was okay, but only a little.

Someone had still been attacked. My stomach wouldn’t settle, however. I’m not sure what it was, but I felt like something wasn’t sitting right with this whole thing.

Going against my better judgement, I left my dorm in the afternoon. Sarah had gone home for the week, seeing as we had no classes, and her parents were very worried. Mine were too, but I told them I was okay to stay here. Something in my gut told me I needed to stay. I walked down the concrete path that led to the Athletic Centre and stared at it from afar.

There was something off. The whole energy surrounding the place seemed…dark. I took my glasses off and played with the arm between my fingers. Why would anyone attack someone in a locker room? It seemed so random. Not that a madman with a knife ever made sense, but this was especially strange. You could have gone anywhere on campus or in town, so why there?

Then my mind went back to the blood shower incident and I felt my heart drop in my stomach. If something bizarre already happened there once, who was to say it couldn’t happen again? Maybe it wasn’t a person attacking a student, but a spirit? But wait, they claimed that they arrested someone. But was that the truth?

Without realizing, I found myself standing in front of the building. It was locked down for the day as the RCMP continued with their investigation. I felt the urge to go inside and see the locker room myself spike, but I fought it. If I couldn’t get answers here, maybe I could somewhere else.

I took a photo with my phone before I left. I wanted to make sure I had a picture of it now and later to see if there was a difference in the energy. Maybe I was just tired, but it looked different today than it had previously.

Before I headed to my next destination, I fired off a text to Michael asking him to meet me. I know he wasn’t going to be happy about it, but I felt like I needed the support. Ignoring the voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like my dad, I headed towards the tree and looked up at the branches.

Sure enough, she was there. She was still fuzzy and hard to make out. Her attention seemed to be focused somewhere else, as it took me a few times to get her attention.

“Ah, look who decided to return,” she cooed as she floated down. The usual crushing sensation filled my body as she got closer.

“I did,” I said trying to sound more confidant that I felt. “I have questions.”

She cocked her head and raised a lazy eyebrow. “Oh, do you now? Whatever could you want?”

Before I said anything, Michael nervously approached me. “Uh, you said you wanted to meet here?” he asked, eyeing the tree.

I swallowed hard. “Yeah, I need the support. I’m talking to a ghost and I don’t like doing it alone.”

Michael paled as he looked between me and the tree. I know he can sense something was there, but he couldn’t see it. I held my breath, ready for him to think of me as a freak and leave. But, he just nodded slowly, his eyes slightly wide in fear. “Okay, okay, yea. We’re totally talking about you not telling me about the whole ‘talking to ghosts’ thing after this though.”

“Deal.” I turn my attention back to the ghost, who was watching with boredom.

“Remembered I was here, did you?”

I winced. “Sorry. I won’t let it happen again. I just wanted to start off with your name. I don’t think I should be calling you tree ghost forever.”

I think that might have caught her by surprise. She twirled her hair around her fingers and stared at me in thoughtful silence. I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead as I waited for her to answer. Sometimes they got offended if you asked, as it served as a reminder of a time when they were alive.

Finally, she graced me with a small smile. “Dahlia Cressman. I believe you are the first person to ask me that in a long while, human.”

I smiled back. “Most people don’t talk to dead people, Dahlia.”

She clasped her hands behind her back and gave a small nod of her head. “I suppose not. Well, ask your questions then…after you introduce yourself, that is.”

This is where it gets a little sticky. A ghost knowing your name was something that could be very dangerous. My dad always told me that if a ghost knew your name, they could steal your soul. I wasn’t sure how true it was, but I respected that rule for a long time. However, if I wanted the answers I was looking for, I knew I was going to have to take some risks.

Sucking in a tense breath, I nodded and said, “Ally.”

It was a bit of cheat. I didn’t give her my full name, nor did I give her my maiden name. I still didn’t know if I could trust her fully yet.

However, it seemed to satisfy her. “Ally,” she rolled it around her tongue. “I like it.”

I fought the urge to shudder, only the twitch of my hand gave away my discomfort. Michael slipped his hand over mine, giving me a nervous smile. He looked back in the general direction where Dahlia was, trying his best to look serious.

“Okay, so… you mentioned last time we talked that you might know what was going on with the showers?”

Dahlia sat midair and crossed her legs. “I do, yes. I also recall telling you to research the archives. Did you?”

I blushed in embarrassment. “Not yet, no.”

“It’s been a week, Ally.”

“I’m very aware, yes.”

She smiled amusedly at me. “Yet you didn’t go. Well, I suppose I can tell a little. You met Jamieson, correct?”

“Jamieson?” I inquired, tilting my head in confusion.

“The bastard in the bookstore?”

The image of the smarmy ghost with the mean smirk popped in my head. I frowned and nodded, “Right, him.”

“He and I are not the only spirits left on this God forsaken campus,” said Dahlia. She twirled her hair around her finger, looking thoughtful. “I am not sure about the exact amount, unfortunately. I do know, however, that there is a spirit roaming around that sports building. The one where all the ruckus was last night.”

Oh. Shit. That explains the blood showers…and maybe the attack last night. Vengeful ghosts were a thing, right? This time, I couldn’t supress the shudder as my blood ran cold. Nothing good ever came from an angry spirit. Or at least that’s what the movies taught me.

“Does this news surprise you, Ally?” asked Dahlia.

I swallowed thickly and gave a small nod. “Most places don’t have a ton of restless souls unless there’s a reason. Jamieson…I’m not sure whether he died from suicide or murder. You look as if you were murdered. And if there is at least one other ghost lingering around, does that mean they were murdered too?”

The smile Dahlia gave me was not pleasant at all. “Possibly. Some do stick around if they have lingering regrets. Suicide could potentially lead to that. Or an accidental death, such as overdosing or whatever. Who’s to say we all haven’t been murdered?”

Michael was shaking beside me, from the stress of her presence or something else, I wasn’t sure. I slipped my hand out of his and pulled out my notebook, quickly jotting some things down. I didn’t want to forget anything important here.

I chewed the end of my pen in thought. “Dahlia,” I looked up at her, “are you able to leave this area?”

She tilted her head to the side. “I believe so,” she said slowly, “but I would have to return here eventually. This is where I died, so my attachment is here.”

I paused to take in this information. That means that Jamieson died somewhere around that bookstore, maybe the roof of the Student Centre. If that’s the case… if there is a ghost in the women’s locker room, that means they died there. I would have to investigate the area if I wanted to be sure, though.

“Anything else?”

“I’m guessing you won’t just tell me who is haunting the locker room?” I smiled weakly.

Dahlia looked down at me in puzzled silence before breaking out in a devilish grin. “Where’s the fun in that, Ally? Besides, it is not my story to tell. If you want to know what is going on, you need to research it. I could only push you in the right direction.”

“It was worth a shot,” I said with a shrug.

Her laughter echoed in my head. “I suppose it was. Goodbye, Ally. This time, check the archives.”

“Bye, Dahlia.” I watched her disappear, the overwhelming sensation of being crushed leaving my body. I heard Michael take a deep breath as I did.

We sat there silently for a couple of minutes before I grabbed my stuff. I didn’t want to be here much longer, and Michael was happy to follow. We managed to make it halfway to meal hall before he stopped and dry heaved into a bush.

I rubbed his back as he heaved. There wasn’t a lot I could do for him except give him some water and wait for his recovery. I’m used to it now, but the presence of a ghost like that can be a lot to take in. To be honest, Dahlia’s power surprised me. She must have a large lingering resentment to remain as strong as she was.

He sat down and dropped his head between his knees as he regained some composure. I sat down next him and handed over my water. He took it gratefully and sipped slowly. I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on top of them, waiting for him to be ready.

“Ally,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and took another sip of water before trying again. “Ally, what was that?”

“My life,” I said quietly. “I’ve been dealing with stuff like that my whole life.”

He stared at me blankly before shaking his head. “I can’t even imagine. I mean, I can sense the energy…but actually talking to them? I felt like I couldn’t breathe!”

“I guess you get used to it,” I chuckled weakly.

“How did you do it alone?”

Those words hurt. I did it alone because I had no other choice. I had to because my dad refused to help me. My mom thought it would just be better if I ignored it. I just ignored the feelings I had because they refused to acknowledge what made me who I was. I felt my eyes stinging but I held my tears back, looking up at the cloudy sky.

“I didn’t have a choice. Either I let them take over my life or I just…” I shrugged, not really sure what to say.

Michael reached over and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Okay, well…fuck that. I’m not letting you do that alone ever again! I couldn’t hear the whole conversation, but you mentioned murder way too many times for my liking. So…what happened?”

I couldn’t tell Michael how much his words meant to me, but I gave him a hug, hoping it gave the same message. I pulled away, wiping at my eyes before grabbing my notebook out of my bag and showing him what I wrote down.

It didn’t occur to me until later that Dahlia seemed more visible by the end of our conversation.

XXX

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

I frowned, mulling over my feelings. “I feel like it’s the right thing to do.”

“Okay, just making sure,” said Michael as he rubbed the back of his head.

“She wanted answers the first time,” I explained. “It makes sense she would this time.”

“Only if she believes in the supernatural,” Michael countered.

“Only if she believes,” I agreed nervously.

I told Michael that I wanted to bring Lyn in on this, since it concerned her most of all. Both times something happened it affected the swim team. Maybe she would just laugh in my face and not listen to what I had to say, but I had to try. Otherwise, I’ll do it without her. I made my decision. No more ignoring this…whatever this is. I wanted to help after the first incident but chickened out. I’m not doing that again.

We sat nervously at café in the library, waiting for Lyn to show up. I wanted to tell her everything in a more public place, less chance of being overheard but I wasn’t sure where to meet. Michael suggested that we meet here first and pick a place after.

I was tapping my fingers against the table as Michael was staring off as he chewed on his thumbnail. Suddenly he chuckled and shook his head. “Why are we so nervous?”

I gave a small laugh. “Sometimes life is a mystery. I think it probably has something to do with the fact that we have a bunch of restless spirits on this campus and we’re the only two who know anything about it.”

“Makes midterms seem silly now.”

“To be fair, I thought the Psych midterm was challenging,” I huffed, crossing my arms.

Michael laughed again. “Yeah, it was. You should have seen my Finite Math midterm though. I’m pretty sure like everyone left the room crying, the teacher included.”

I cringed. “Me and math do not get along. I’m surprised I even passed math in high school.”

“I was home schooled in high school,” said Michael leaning on the table. “Otousan tutored me through math, which is probably why I understand it pretty well.”

The earlier nerves just disappeared as we chatted. Michael was in the middle of explaining something about his bio lab when Lyn approached our table. She looked exhausted, and the usual brightness of her eyes seemed dimmer. She still smiled when she saw me, but it looked mechanical, like she was going through the motions. She even looked more pale than usual, which was challenging since she was already so pale as it was. Overall, she just looked unwell.

She shoved her hands into the pocket of her hoodie. “Hey, Ally.” She nodded at Michael.

“I’m Michael,” he said, sticking his hand out.

She extracted one hand, shook quickly and said, “Lyn,” before sticking her hand back into the safety of the pocket.

“How are you doing?” I asked tentatively.

Lyn shrugged with a miserable frown on her face. “Fine, I guess. Just got back from the hospital this morning, guess I went into a bit of shock yesterday. Too much shit going on for my brain to process it all, you know?”

“I get that,” I said empathetically. Overwhelming thoughts and emotions causing you to completely spiral out of control? That was so in my ballpark.

“So…” she shifted foot to foot, “what is it you wanted to talk about?”

“Oh, right!” I grabbed my bag and Michael grabbed his stuff. “Let’s go somewhere and sit!”

“Why can’t we sit here?” Lyn questioned.

“Uh, I meant somewhere more public.”

If this confused her further, she didn’t show. Lyn trudged behind us as we walked to the door. Michael asked a good place that would be busyish, and Lyn gave us a couple of suggestions. In the end, we went all the way to the coffee shop downtown. It was called the Main Street Coffee Shop, and there was a good amount of people inside already, most of them students catching up on work. Lyn pointed out a table near the window that was free, and we sat down. I waited until after we ordered before saying anything.

“Lyn, do you remember when the whole shower thing happened, and you asked me if it was a prank?” I asked, trying to keep my tone neutral.

Lyn was staring out the window, chin and mouth cupped her in her hand. Slowly she turned to look at me and nodded.

I swallowed thickly. “Okay…I don’t think it was a prank at all.”

“What do you think it was?” she asked, voice muffled.

Michael gave me an encouraging nod. I took a deep breath and said, “Ghosts. I think an angry spirit did it.”

Lyn gave me the same look she did when I told her the tree gave me bad vibes. It was carefully controlled, as to not give away what she was thinking. The waiter dropped off our drinks and left quickly, maybe sensing the tension and not wanting to be caught up in it.

Finally, there was the tiniest tug at her lip, and she gave one small nod. “Right, explain.”

I released the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I took out my notebook and explained everything I could. I told her about Jamieson and Dahlia, and what Dahlia had told me the other day. Michael jumped in a couple of times, explaining how he could feel weird energy from certain places on the campus, the Athletic Centre being one of them. Lyn seemingly took this all-in stride, taking small sips from her hot chocolate as she listened patiently. Maybe I was just hopeful, but it looked as if her eyes lit up as she did. Finally, I finished and sat back a little, suddenly feeling self-conscious. I just told someone I really liked my secret, and I was afraid of how she actually felt about it. What if she was just humouring me? What if she thought I was crazy? My heart picked up pace and my guts squirmed in discomfort.

Lyn sat back, her eyes going between the two of us. “Okay, you aren’t messing with me, yeah?”

“I would never,” I said, my voice cracking slightly.

“Me either,” added Michael.

Lyn nodded, her eyes settling on me. “I swear I saw writing on the wall when I was in there. I couldn’t go back to confirm it though. If some dude with a knife wanted to attack a young woman, why bother writing something on the wall? Plus, the wound on-” Lyn’s face’s twisted in pain and she clamped her mouth shut, clearly trying to keep it together.

I reached over and squeezed her hand. “It’s fine, you don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

There was a conflict playing out on Lyn’s face before it finally settled on a flat affect. I haven’t known her long, but I knew that this wasn’t a typical Lyn face. It just didn’t look right on her. I wondered if maybe this was her coping mechanism for negative feelings, but something wriggled in my brain that suggested that there was more to this.

“So, what we know so far is that there are multiple ghosts on the campus,” said Michael as he ticked his fingers off, drawing our attention to him. “One in the big tree, one in the bookstore, and one in the women’s locker room. We have an active scene, so maybe if we go there, I can get a sample to look at in the lab?”

Lyn frowned. “Are you even able to do that?”

Michael shrugged. “I know one of the third year’s personally, he can get us access if I ask nicely.”

“I guess I can look into the archives,” Lyn offered. “I’m used to reading dusty old books anyway. It will be another typical Wednesday night for me.”

“And I can ask around, see what I can learn!” I added, feeling an excited buzz course through my veins.

Lyn gave a small grin. “Do we need some corny team name or something? Ghostbusters? Spirit Fighters?”

“I’m a fan of Super Cool Ghost Hunting Nerd Squad,” said Michael lightly, grinning widely.

“I’m not going by that, Michael.”

“I’m not hearing any better suggestions. Ally?”

I tapped my chin in thought. “I think Spook Searchers has a nice ring to it.”

Lyn chuckled, pushing herself to her feet. I didn’t even notice I was still holding her hand until she did that. I missed the warmth already. “Okay, no name. These all suck way too much. I’m going to head out, got things I need to do. I’ll talk to you later?”

Those last words were directed to me, and I nodded quickly. “Yes, of course.”

She smiled slightly before waving at Michael and walking out, leaving us behind. I sat back in my chair and chewed the end of my pen. Poor thing, it was probably not going to last the week at this rate.

“Whatcha thinking about, Ally?” asked Michael.

I sighed and shook my head. “Honestly, way too much at the moment.”

He poked me in the temple, giving me a lopsided smile. “Take the rest of the day off, Al. Maybe focus on some you time, yeah?”

“I don’t really need a day off,” I said.

“Girl, I feel like your brain is running on 110% all the time,” Michael snorted. “I feel like when you look at someone, you take in every detail and squirrel it away somewhere, in case you need it later. I know you want to solve this thing quickly, but we won’t be able to do it if you’re burnt out.”

I stared at him silently for a couple of seconds. It was funny in a not funny way that someone I’ve only known for a couple of weeks knows me better than most of my friends at high school did. I smiled softly and kissed him on the cheek.

“Michael, you’re a very sweet guy, thank you.”

Michael looked a little embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I try my best. Otousan always told me to treat my friends with the utmost respect.”

“Does that mean dad?” I asked, remembering that he said it earlier too. He nodded as we both slid out of the booth as I said, “Sounds like your dad is a smart and kind man.”

Michael’s eyes shined with admiration. “I hope to be the same kind of man once I become a dad.”

“I think you’re pretty close.”

“Okay, okay! I’m ditching you before you make me all teary eyed, dammit!” Michael waved me a goodbye before dashing off.

I decided I was going to take his advice and take the rest of the day off. I had no classes, so I might as well do something fun. Maybe Mags would be up to hanging out if they weren’t with their other friends.

I pulled my coat close, feeling a sudden chill. I looked around and saw nothing, so it must have just been a gust of wind or something. Maybe Michael was right, my brain was constantly thinking of something. I decided to just be on my way and think nothing of it for once. I was going to be thinking about a ton of things soon enough, it was okay for me to take one night off.

[dredshirtroberts]

Best buckle up buttercupz cause this bout to get splodie

Everything will be under a cut because there is high probability this gets TMI really fuckin’ quick and y’all don’t need that in your lives unless you really give that much of a shit about my bedroom activities.

As those who have been with me previously know, this is all stream of consciousness and also apparently my brain has forgotten most spelling rules so if shit starts not looking like words, it’s not you i promise.

.

I honestly don’t know where to start with this one. I’ve got...a lot of things to go over.

So. If you’ve been following my adventures as of late, I decided to follow a whim and go with a guy I barely know up to Pittsburgh to help him get all his shit out of his old apartment and bring it back down this way close to where I live. 

Things to note about this guy: I met him...uh...2??? weeks ago??? on Bumble which is Tinder but less shitty (but still kinda shitty).

Uh...maybe backing up even more???

*headdesk* oh damn this is a lot hang on.

So. End of April I finally ended things for good with my long term boyfriend. Teal deer, things did not go smoothly there and shit ended badly when I was finally able to move out at the beginning of May. There were like...2ish weeks where we were broke up and I was still living with him.

I’ve had some pretty whacked out emotional responses to this upheaval. I legitimately thought he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted that. But he was abusive and not willing to take responsibility for his part in the end of our relationship. So that sucked, but I apparently hadn’t loved him in ages so that part was less painful. I have been far more broken up about losing my two boys in the end of the relationship. I legitimately feel like I’ve lost my children and that fucking sucks and no one fucking understands cause 1) they’re cats and 2) no one i know has done this and had to leave their babies, they usually got to keep their babies. and that’s fucking...

ANYWAY.

About a month? ish ago? I decide fuck it I think I can handle brief and casual attachments so I can have regular sex for the first time in YEARS. cause of course we move in together and the well dries up completely so like, that was not fun. Have a high sex drive and apparently he did not. Anyway, having fun meeting dudes, casual sex and figuring out how to navigate single life and hookup culture. 

There are a couple guys who are prospective long term candidates but like...idek if that’s what I want out of any of this??? because I’m still healing? and trying to keep my feet up underneath me in more than a few ways. I’m also trying to keep my trauma on the DL cause it’s really fucking easy for people to take advantage of me and my issues - it’s kind of how I keep getting into shit relationship situations.

So, like. Tinder and Bumble are fun because I forget that it’s meant to be for meeting people? I just like being super shallow and “sorting” my choices into “yeah I could see having a connection with that one” and “absolutely the fuck not”. I’m 27 and kind of a terrible person on the inside. I overcompensate by being a fucking kindness deathray so i think there’s balance maybe.

Dude comes across my bumble and the fun thing with bumble is if you’re showing as W4M on there, you get to initiate contact. Which is terrifying at first until you realize you literally only have to say hi. So yeah, dude is hella cute, profile doesn’t suck, I swipe like (right, I think?). It’s a match! I open with a simple hi. basic chitchat, whatever.

we go out for a date to a location close by that I actually trust because oh hey he’s moving down this way and has good taste in bars. Food and drinks are had. Take him back to mine cause like, he’s fuckin GORGEOUS. and funny. and smart. 

And he’s like “yeah I’ll spend the night, but I won’t fuck you til we’re sobered up.” Which, i mean, be still my beating heart, yeah? (I WARNED you this was going to be TMI y’all. if this is already too much I totes get it, it’s likely not going to be any better further on). So we go to sleep, and maybe I have a hard time sleepign but I’ve *had* a hard time sleeping. We wake up, do the sexing, and then he buys me coffee. Like, not only did he pay for the entire date the night before, tell me he will not have sex with me while there’s a chance i might be drunk, is just fucking...amazing in bed, but he BUYS ME COFFEE.

So like, alright, this is one I’ll keep around for a while cause I’m doing casual shit, yeah? nothing serious, nothing with attachments. no strings. just free food and sex.

Oh and did I mention he’s a cuddler???? but like? a cuddler that cuddles the way I like cuddling???? do you *know* how hard it is to find that??? I’m apparently very specific in my cuddle preferences. 

So whatever, we exchange numbers (which I do not do with people from these apps until I’m comfortable with them). He’s also got multiple girls he’s seeing right now and that’s totally chill and like, it’s clear nothing’s going to go quickly here, just fun.

Talking - he’s very clever and does the sentence making doing well. He and one of the other girls he’s seeing goes up to P-burgh to begin the great migration, he calls me while he’s out there, and he’s got some shit going on in his life and I’m like, that’s some drama you’ve got there. It’s shitty for you, hope it gets better, yeah? They come back down, and he drops by to hang out and grab some of the shit he left at mines. He’s waiting to get into his new place nearby, and he needs a place to stash his stuff and I have a relatively safely located appartment so I’m like. I think I got a corner for some shit. Then he’s like “hey, wanna go to [area he’s moving to where his parents also live]” and I’m like, sure. I’m down for a quick road trip.

we’re out that way and he’s like “Hey there’s this park this way and there’s a lodge or whatever I think you’ll like” and I”m like, “k I like parks!” and as we travel out and he’s telling me about it I’m realizing this is not like...slide and swingset park, this is national park style stuff. And I’m like ‘Oh shiiiit I know where we’re going he’s right I do like it!’ we get out there and it’s rainy but we hike a little for s&gs, and then he’s like let’s go inside and all the sudden we’re getting a room for the night???? and this is not your momma’s motor-hotel on the side of the road, this is a kinda swanky lodge and i’m like???? okay???? wish i’d known or i’da packed better for an overnight???

so like...yeah I have a great time, it’s beautiful out there. Like...idk if any of you are familiar with the Blue Ridge Mountains, but the fuckin’...the Parkway y’all. Is one of my favorite places to be and this is right the fuck there and it’s great. The weather’s nice, the food is delicious, clearly I enjoy the company, I have a blast.

We stay the night, get up in the morning and head back to mine and we chill for a minute and I change clothes cause eww i’m wearing clothes I’ve hiked in. I get comfy and ready for a nice day chillin at home. And he’s like “So. Wanna come up to Pittsburgh with me?” I’m now I’m familiar with his planning methods which are none. So i figure it’s a quick overnight, maybe 2 nights and I’m like “Fuck it, sure.” I pack a little better but I’m wearing my contacts and I’m like “I can totally sleep in these a couple nights and be fine” and I just kinda...am in his car on a 7+hr drive to Pennsylvania. 

And he’s really easy to get along with. Of course for some reason my period just shows up 3 weeks early out of fucking nowhere which put a little damper on shit but I didn’t have to worry because we weren’t only spending a couple nights up there. We spent nearly a week up there for...reeaassoonnnns?????

I wait til day 3 and I’m like “So...uh, idk if you know this but I had no idea we’d be up here this long or i’d have brought another outfit? and some toiletries?” And he is like... “Um...I didn’t mean to like, abduct you or anything. do you need me to take you back???” To which I respond that all I want is an idea of how long he’s planning on being up there so i can best make adjustments where necessary and that the only date I *have* to be back for is my sister’s bday which is Friday. 

This is all fine and we work it out, but I realize that he doesn’t do “planning” apparently. So I get really good at being proactive with trying to figure out what his expectations are.

He’s your typical 28yo white cishet dude. You know what I’m talking about, so some of the stuff I expressed concerns with, I am trying to temper with the fact that he’s literally just as dumb about the world as my dad is and my dad’s a decent person - an idiot about how the world actually works but a decent person. 

And like? It’s really annoying being near him because he does everything the way I specifically like it? And I never said a damn thing??? because I don’t talk about my particular eccentricities wrt my preferences in how i like being touched/shown affection/cuddled? So he wouldn’t know??? 

Really fucking annoying cause I’m trying very hard to make it so my heart doesn’t take over when I’m really trying hard to be chill and casual and clearly he is just wanting to be casual and shit but then he says things? and it’s like...so off-handed and flip but gives my heart the flutters because?? maybe there’s more than just a small potential?

I get real tetchy on my period and put up with a lot less, i was also less than properly medicated so that did not help, but like...I never got to the point I used to get to with my exes where I just...couldn’t handle being around them or their normal ass selves. This guy does things that are annoying sure, and I had less patience for it than normal and then like 2 seconds later he’s literally out of one of my romantic fantasies about how i would like the perfect guy to treat me? and be around me? 

*sigh* 

Anyway, I had a great time in Pittsburgh cause I’d never been and he found my weakness because I’m a ho for some museums and art and shit and he took me to the carnegie mellon museums and let me just wander around like a doof with my jaw on the floor the whole time. Also we did some other stuff and he took me to Fallingwater which was like an hour or so away from P-burgh but was soooo cooooool.

Oh and I didn’t even mention the real kicker in all of this. He *gets* what i’m going through because he’s been in my shoes previously and it’s fucking mindblowing so he knows what to say and how to do the nice? and like???

IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR I’M NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT HEART. YOU GOTTA LEAVE ME BE AND LET ME JUST APPRECIATE THAT HE’S PRETTY OKAY???

I hate the universe. Thanks tho, U-girl. I know you got my back.

so. That’s what’s been going on. Got back home safely, he’s got his own place like 30mins to an hour away, easier access to the other girls he’s seeing right now, and I have time to properly process and catalog my thoughts before I see him again.

Cause I’m gonna. He’s *damn* good in bed.

[wickedjaime]

PREACH 👏🏾 THAT 👏🏾 GOSPEL 👏🏾

I didn't think of Jained until I already reblogged. I was a fake fan. I was a fool.

But ladies and gentlethems I have COME TO REDEEM:

@melrosing we didn't get a lot of them interacting because it was simply too powerful and as a cishet ally GRRM can only take so much gay magics at a time and with AGOT Ned's POVs already had a lot of Robert thirsting. Like, with Ned alone GRRM fulfilled the Baby's First Performative Liberal "Just Enough Diversity to be Gay But Not Too Gay" Quota, so Jained was disrespected and cut for time smh

but Jaime fookin "I was a disassociating asshole for nearly two decades and then snapped back to being a mostly decent human being in less than two years" Lannister has excellent time management skills, okay? And he fucking delivered:

IRON THRONE SEDUCTION

When the meetcute is regicide plus cosplaying as someone who ISN'T a traumatized high schooler horrified by what just transpired 😏

“Aerys was dead on the floor, drowned in his own blood. His dragon skulls stared down from the walls. Lannister’s men were everywhere. Jaime wore the white cloak of the Kingsguard over his golden armor. I can see him still. Even his sword was gilded. He was seated on the Iron Throne, high above his knights, wearing a helm fashioned in the shape of a lion’s head. How he glittered!”

“I stopped in front of the throne, looking up at him. His golden sword was across his legs, its edge red with a king’s blood. My men were filling the room behind me. Lannister’s men drew back. I never said a word. I looked at him seated there on the throne, and I waited. At last Jaime laughed and got up. He took off his helm, and he said to me, ‘Have no fear, Stark. I was only keeping it warm for our friend Robert. It’s not a very comfortable seat, I’m afraid.’” (AGOT, Eddard II)

Okay but the super cunty seating on a historical seat that's not for you, sweaty. the appropriation of Targ culture smh incredibly bratty first of all

SECONDLY not him laying out Aerys's mangled body before Ned like a cat giving a gift to their owner and Ned doesn't get it???? Like why are you just staring at him sir say thank you this is why Jaime has twisted views on love smh

ANYWAYZ Jaime is sitting with a bloody sword on his lap, literally GLITTERING for this man, this northern man who couldn't possibly understand fashion, literally looking FERAL AND FIERCE AF it's giving rabid caveman discovers roleplaying for the first time it's giving pretty power bottom done with the oppression

and Jam is smirking because he knows he looks hot and also if he laughs they won't see him cry! But being slutty overrides the trauma anyway so he's like "Hey babe listen I fully support your thing with Robert because I also have a shitty partner who doesn't deserve me even though I haven't realized that yet just like you haven't lol, 100% can relate. Srsly I WILL be the third it'll be fun pls think I'm honorable PLS"

and Ned DOESN'T GET IT? Like seriously rejecting Jaime asking him out, and Jaime just never forgave him for it. Which leads to bitter ex behavior WHAT DO I MEAN YOU ASK????

TEASING AND FLIRTING

“The wolves are howling,” their leader said. Ned could see rain running down his face. “Such a small pack, though.”

“He was the Hand of the King.” The mud muffled the hooves of the blood bay stallion. The line parted before him. On a golden breastplate, the lion of Lannister roared its defiance. “Now, if truth be told, I’m not sure what he is.”

“I’m looking for my brother. You remember my brother, don’t you, Lord Stark? He was with us at Winterfell. Fair-haired, mismatched eyes, sharp of tongue. A short man.”

“You would not perchance have any notion of who might have wished my brother ill, would you?”

Jaime Lannister smiled.

You wanted brattiness it's right there! And what makes it funnier is that unlike Bri and Cat (and Her Perfect Rack), Ned isn't enraged by Jam's shenanigans because he's too repressed to understand what's happening. So he's just there the whole time like 🧍

Just NOT getting it smh. So Jaime made his courting more obvious with mURdER

Ser Jaime ripped his longsword from its sheath and urged his stallion forward. “Show me your steel, Lord Eddard. I’ll butcher you like Aerys if I must, but I’d sooner you died with a blade in your hand.” (AGOT, Eddard IX)

Damn when Bri said something similar during THEIR sex fight it had to have made Jam go

Like. remember that time he asked Ned to whip out his dick and they foreplayed fight fucked like oh the memories

And of course there'sssss

!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing to see here just Jaime putting his metaphorical dick over Ned's heart it was totally necessary to threaten him you see it had to be done that way it's super scary it's not slutty at all

And then Waiter JamLan serves his final helping of CUNT before slaughtering Ned's besties a lil bit

“So I suppose I’ll let you run back to Robert to tell him how I frightened you. I wonder if he’ll care.” Jaime pushed his wet hair back with his fingers and wheeled his horse around.

?ASDFASDFLKJ?????????????

Okay but that GAY ASS HAIR FLIP and that JEALOUS LINE ABOUT NED DATING ROBERT LISTENNNN!!!!!!!!

And the smile smh. what a clown. he thinks Ned is finally gonna take him out on a date post murderings—not knowing that, in truth, he truly has nothing to smile about.

[…] through the night and the rain, he glimpsed the white of Jaime’s smile […]

Super bratty behavior in what couldn't have been more than like 5 minutes in real time but Ned was too internalized homo-sapiens to appreciate it smh

Not to mention that the entire time this is happening it's FUCKING RAINING?

Ned could see rain running down his face.

Like you cannot TELL me Jaime didn't purposefully wait until the rain fell so that the confrontation would be even more dramatic and romantical prove me wrong you can't!!

Anywayz even post Ned's death Jaime is STILL salty that Ned swiped left on him 18 fucking years ago so he takes it out on the homewrecker wife saying YOU FILLED NED'S HOUSE WITH CHINTZ SO TO KEEP IT REAL I FUCKED HIM ON THE FLOOR:

“As for your Ned, he should have kissed the hand that slew Aerys, but he preferred to scorn the arse he found sitting on Robert’s throne." (A[Cock] Catelyn [And Her Perfect Rack] VII)

At this point Jaime no longer supports the RNJ polycule (pretty convenient that he becomes anti when both parties are deadT how fucking convenient smh); he's no longer friends with Robert, Cat And Her Perfect Rack is his new poly pal. But he's mad at her too because she ALSO wouldn't let Jaime be her and Ned's third so he lets her inherit brattiness preserved for Ned, because she's the widow and Jaime follows the law when it's not telling him he can't cuck the king with his sister or kill his unprofessional supervisor in the workplace:

“I think Ned Stark loved Robert better than he ever loved his brother or his father … or even you, my lady. He was never unfaithful to Robert, was he?”

And there it is! ah yes jealousy, the jealousy for Nedbert, the jealousy in which Nedbert is receiving Nedbert's jealousy THAT jealousy?

Cat And Her Perfect Rack can't take the truth because for all her labors she has been allowed a little biphobia as a treat. And she didn't ask to inherit Ned's share of Jaime Brattiness but she's getting it anyway.

And then Brienne and the reader have to deal with it after the Freys kill Cat (and her Rack 😔) to save her from Jaime being unhinged smh (Roose even told her Jam said to tell the Starks hello like kinda cute when you think about it):

You had no right to judge me either, Stark. (ASOS, Jaime II)

“Do you think the noble Lord of Winterfell wanted to hear my feeble explanations? Such an honorable man. He only had to look at me to judge me guilty.” (ASOS, Jaime V)

“By what right does the wolf judge the lion? By what right?” (ASOS, Jaime V)

Only [Eddard Stark’s] eyes had spoken; a lord’s eyes, cold and grey and full of judgment. (ASOS, Jaime VI)

[…] but the Blackfish was looking at him the way that Eddard Stark had looked at him when he’d found him on the Iron Throne with the Mad King’s blood upon his blade. (AFFC, Jaime VI)

Like???? Truly embarrassing he's dead Jaime. Like, imagine being upset that your in the closet lover died hating you. can't relate

Anywayz TL;DR Jaime only really needed what little time he had to bless us with targeted flirty bitchiness aimed at Ned, like there is only so much of that we deserve as mere mortals

And JB fandom never asks because WHY SHOULD THEY, I'm kinda microaggressing them by always talking about Jaime x People Who Aren't Brienne but um listen Jaime x Ned was so real which checks out because Ned kinda is Brienne except a guy and just plain faced instead of ugly (and probably average height??? and def not as jacked. probs has fatter tits tho). Point I'm making is Jaime likes em quiet so he can just hear himself talk all day which within itself is also completely out of pocket and bratty if you really consider please consider all of this tbh

...

(Also I talk about my opinion on Bisexual Jaime™ far more seriously here if anyone thinks I'm a valid source of information at this point when I am so clearly a citizen of the circus)

rereading asos at the moment and it’s funny but I never fully realised how Jaime is only really in Brat Mode with Brienne. like he’s kind of dry and sarcastic elsewhere but often fairly serious…. whereas with Brienne he is like schoolboy levels of annoying even in his own head like just here on a mission to be disagreeable. and then has the nerve to be petulant about it when he’s perceived as such