#i could just be over stimulated
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#and here we are#yunno this is probably the best ive ever felt while wishing i could die#its all so complicated. whats even making me feel like this? is it cuz im going back on medical leave?#cuz i had an imaginary fight with my mother in my head? because im too tired to keep going and too sick to get better?#or is it just the depression today?#maybe not even regular depression#maybe you literally want to die because its cold outside and you had do go buy wraps#is that enough to make me wanna die now? really? after how far ive come?#i dont even reallt know why im here this time#but as far as coping mechanisms go this isnt a bad one#i could just be over stimulated#shut up you know thats not it. this is... depression from the chronic illness stagnating i think#sigh. i need to make those phone calls this week#second payment to medcare is going through tomorrow whether i want it to or not#i missed the deadline again :')#sigh#i need to go home and go do some laundry#id say delete later but i wont
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hello website of neurodivergents, can you give me some insight into how your medication & management of ADHD has been?
#i just got diagnosed after thinking i could will my way into doing things at all for over a decade 🤪#i just started in strattera until i can properly get an evaluation done to possibly get on stimulants#i definitely feel 'on' when i'm taking strattera but not in a way that actually moves me to do things?#more just feel an anxious feeling that manifests in my chest#and i'm still tired not super wired
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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i love like. wayyyyy at the end of the day sitting down and something happens and it just Clicks why everything was not great all day
#turns out! overstimulated#turned my ac on just now and oh my god. loud. noise. too much#the work vans are a stimulation nightmare it's a miracle i don't come home everyday and have to#noise cancelation headphones + lay face down on the floor + stare at the wall and unfocus my brain#however i did get to meet a few friendly doggos today including an ADORABLE young blue merle great dane#and one of my last stops had: 5 reaaaally baby black kittens + 3 older kittens (1 black 1 tabby 1 siamese)#almost stole one of them but 2 cats is enough for me and the size of my apartment#also i sped like a maniac bc there were too many gd stops on my route today and i think i am slowly coming to the realization that#something could have gone really poorly today#as it was a semi almost ran me off a gravel road. didn't slow down didn't move over. was less than fun#anyway. all that to say god knows if im gonna be productive tonight i haven't even played video games yet bc it feels too.. busy
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aching for comfort but everything feels wrong
#had a brownie n now i feel worse when it was supposed 2 be a joyful treat :[#i even tried oblivion and it always helps n it couldnt#i am simultaneously over n under stimulated everything feels wrong#i tried lego & fall guys fortnite and racing and sims 4 an dragon age and watching youtube and netflix and just. Laying doing nothing#and its all Wrong#im too hot n my clothes r too tight but if i take them off theres too may textures#i just wish i were tiny n could hide n sleep in a fresh laundry basket like i did as a kid#got high n now im just more aware at how awful my chest/heart feel#i feel so gunky n dirty and Wrong#i just want to be a little crumb#just#.#<thats me#i just want . comfort#i want to be anything but me
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Penny
D: Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!
D: Look, man, I don't even remember what I said, but, uh –
S: But what? But you didn't mean it? Oh, please. You and I both know you didn't need that penny to say those things.
D: Come on, Sam.
S: Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you? You had secrets. You had Benny. And you got on your high and mighty, and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
D: Your blood's supposed to be purified, isn't it? You ever, uh -- you ever done the "forgive me, father" before?
Well, I mean, I could give you suggestions if you want.
All right. Well, I'm just spit-balling here, but if I were you, uh... Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I went to Purgatory, for starters. Or, hey, h-how about what you did to, uh, Penny Markle in the sixth grade? Why don't you lead with that?
S: Well, that was you.
D: Carry on.
S: You can barely do it with me. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?
D: Come on, man. That's not what I meant.
S: No, it's exactly what you meant. You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.
D: You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.
sam’s faults
purgatory
#what side of the coin will you be today?#none of it -- none of it -- is true#it has never been like that ever#i wonder where sam could have gotten these ideas from#hop in my car i'll drive you to the edge#tries to jump over the edge#i wanted you to teeter how could you ever think i'd want you to jump i need you#the writing isn't subtle and yet...#spn 8x06#spn 8x23#matter in a state having no fixed shape and no fixed volume#natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible#none of the things sam is accused of are a result of him being deliberately bad#dean knows ruby manipulated sam and that he was predisposed to be addicted to demon blood from 6 months old#dean and sam both know heaven and hell tricked them into freeing lucifer#sam absolves dean of any guilt from that#but dean can’t do the same#dean blames sam for coming back soulless#absolutely not sam’s fault but it’s one more thing to blame on him to hurt him#they had an agreement to not obsess over reviving each other again and again#dean locking sam in the panic room#something sam never holds against him#the horrible voicemail the one sam never uses against dean#these things are so obvious why are people stupid#sam always had good intentions he just wanted to help people but he was doomed from the beginning#whatever dean did he was always in the right because he was chosen by heaven#even when sam got to be the hero and throw himself into the cage with lucifer he was atoning for his mistakes#and dean and bobby let him go to hell all the while thinking he deserved it#and sam believes when dean and everyone else tells him he has darkness inside even though he’s the kindest heart among them#all because he was groomed to be the devils vessel and because he wanted freedom from the life his family tried to guilt him into
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watching how people's empathy and capacity for kindness have died away in recent years is scary. people will say the most heartless, callous things with no qualms because it gets them a few likes
#obviously this applies to a lot of things but i just saw the way people are talking about eras tour situation#saying they wish it could could have been her manchester 2017#this is just one example but it's just like. how do you sleep at night if you're that kind of person#the mean bitchy stan thing has gone way too far to the point where it's genuinely morally reprehensible the shit they say#going away from that one example they'll also spout the most foul forms of racism homophobia transphobia misogyny ableism#everything under the sun just to get a couple of likes and to feel like the main character of the internet#it's so sad. do you have nothing to stimulate you in your real life. how is this where you get your kicks#ALSO that one blog telling people to kill themselves over a football match and then rbing things like kindness is key 🫶🩷#look at your words and actions! they matter!
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the new safeway pharmacy app has been out for a fucking year and i still can't get my medications reliably mailed! two fucking weeks and it was never sent out! i never had this issue on the old app, which coincidentally also sent real email confirmations for orders instead of the shitty app showing you one popup confirmation and then never providing any other info. no real confirmation that's for damn sure
at least i didn't have to pay for it to not be delivered 🙄
but now i got a notification from the Albertsons pharmacy (??? i don't go to Albertsons?) that they're holding it for two more days before restocking, how considerate. so the length of time the pharmacy holds stuff, that you cannot find anywhere on their website, is in fact two weeks. at least i know that now!
#nadia rambles#i hate this fucking app. the ui sucks. they never mail deliveries. can't order refills for vyvanse via app because oh no stimulants#EVEN THOUGH THE INFORMATION THEY NEED TO CONFIRM IT OVER PHONE IS IN THE APP#like that's not more secure it's just extra steps! anyone with access to the app can see the number and say it on the phone!#you stupid fucking assholes (that's probably the govt's fault though)#but if they really need a real person to approve it they could just have the pharmacist approve the app order!#anyway i hate the app regardless#this on top of the fact that sometimes it sends me push notifications that i'm due to refill something i just got refilled#like two weeks ago or whatever#and it's like. no actually i just got this.#esp annoying cause they wouldn't even do a refill if i did try to put it in two weeks early!#the mail attempt wasn't vyvanse of course. they don't mail that! because again oh no spooky scary stimulants.
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bc of the stimulant shortage, i am having to take vyvanse that is 4 years expired, but only on days i work, to get me through until the powers that be can fucking FIGURE THE ISSUE WITH MANUFACTURING ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE WHO IS BEING PRESCRIBED STIMULANTS.
#bat rambles#i just took my first vyvanse in over a week today#i feel like myself again like#last week dragged SO much and i could not focus#it was impacting some friendship moments when i was absolutely trying to bond and be present lskdjfskldfj#but mind kept wandering bc under stimulated in environment
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Anyone else feel like they’ve been walking around in a lucid dream since they were born?
#Everything always feels magical all the time… not even in a bad way. It feels good being dreamy much of the time#It all feels real but I’ve always felt like I’m floating through it all… like maybe I could wake up if I tried hard enough#Like the veil is thin but in an intriguing way; not a scary one#I could stare at the sky for hours entertained by the clouds and my own visual snow#Walking outside by myself in the rain absolutely does not feel real#But it’s simultaneously the most stimulating thing I can do#I see things like a gritty realism movie where the actors are slightly “off” in their interactions with each other#Like a first person POV in a video game#I know everything is real and I have no doubt I’m real or that everything is real… it’s just that everything always looks so beautiful#all the time#That it makes me feel like I’m high as a kite emotionally#very calm and in love with small details in the world around me#I did some research on psychedelics and how they affect your perceptions and I naturally can get to the level where#things are normal but seem like they’re moving a little when they’re not and feeling euphoric and seeing very vibrant colors#I used to be distressed by it but now everything is just very pretty to me and I kind of like it#I can stare at the blinds on a window and move my eyes over the straight lines and make them ripple
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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toothpaste woes - daily notes, jan 13, 2024
Tonight's meaningless* panic is over the flavor of toothpaste. I've got a Rx fluoride one, and the first tube was fine - tasted better than the Crest whatever I was using! Second tube? Different manufacturer, worse than Tom's of Maine mint, feels like chalk. Barely held off a panic attack and physically gagging when I used it, due to sensory issues.
My first work-around is to do a tiny dab of Rx and a tiny dab of the Crest on my brush. Probably wouldn't bother with the mix if I was still using the fluoride rinse, but I'm on a different one, because of the crown. (Clorhexadine. Pretty sure I'll discontinue it sometime after my permanent crown is installed.)
Long-term solution would be to ask the pharmacist (in person!) if I could just get this one manufacturer from now on. Between an understaffed rural pharmacy and my nocturnal lifestyle, it's probably not going to work if I just send someone on my behalf. I -do- have another refill available, so it's not like they'd make me wait, necessarily.
I hope they laugh at my empty tube, because I squeezed the HECK out of that bastard. Dental stuff is sensory hell for me, so if I like a toothpaste, I don't want to waste it.
*Meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I know I'll get through this issue. Sometimes, though, the panic blinds me to the possibility of it working out, so think of things in dramatic terms. So, like, I'm trying to acknowledge my panic is a big feeling but not a big reality. I have the power to make it a less-big reality, too. (Gotta hype myself up!)
#daily notes#dental stuff#sensory issues#toothpaste#so glad i'm not as sensitive to toothpaste flavors otherwise anymore#like some of that shit is way too minty#like you're calling it sensodyne and the flavor hurts my brain? how dare you#nah i'm just a wuss when i'm over stimulated#that's why i was on tom's of maine#because it is so bland#if i could go back to ye olde kids' sparkle crest of my youth i'd be happy#yknow cheese and wine samplers? gimme toothpaste samplers#i gotta test it before bothering to spend $$$ on something i won't finish using
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get me outta heeeerrrrrreeee
this kind of class is not my forte. I can't think in terms of open ended, I'm a specific task kind of guy.
I would work on my mythology homework but the printer won't work, and I need the physical media in order to properly process the content for it. Most other classes it wouldn't matter, but this one has so much reading that I have to. I meant to print them on my home printer yesterday but forgot and didn't have time to before I left. Didn't know I'd have so many problems with printers today.
I'm behind in what I wanted to accomplish today and its pissing me off. It's makin me spiral in a stupid angry way.
We are low on spoons and high on forks and knives. Our body hurts. We need food. We need quiet. We need our preconceived schedule to not be messed up by printers failing at their jobs. We need people to be specific, to speak the fuck up when they are talking so that we don't have to pretend we heard them when we have no fucking clue what they said. We need to just fucking chill.
#if it weren't for thc fucking with my meds i fucking would#but i've realized it messes with my meds too much for me to really use it.#they do have some cbd only versions that I could get though and probably will once I get my paycheck#bc god fuckin damn#cole🥾#vent#rant#spiraling#low spoons#high forks#high knives#how am i both under and over stimulated rn#like aaaaaa#i'm just so dooooonnneeeee#me as an alter specifically#not speaking for the whole system here just me#but we are too low spoons for anyone to switch in it seems
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living in a city is great until i want to go on a walk and there's no fields
#what am i supposed to do? trapse around the suburbs? wander the center and be over stimulated? take public transport for an hour+#to get to the Big Park or 3+ to get outaide the city?#all cities should have a bus that runs direct to the nearest national park.... so that i could just go bc its like 30 minutes away#but in public transport its like three buses and cab
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what does it mean when i feel like each minute passes excruciatingly slowly even when i invest my full attention into something for what feels like a long time
#cro zone#like i will zone out and have what feels like 20 minutes worth of thoughts and then i zone back in and 3 minutes have passed#or like the space between each second is so vast even though im not actively counting them#is it just my brain firing more rapidly than it needs to thus simultaneously over- and under-stimulating itself?#making me feel exhausted and burnt out despite not having done anything???#i hatethis ik its caused by something between my autism and cptsd but like .what do i do about it. besides drugs#plixiphobia is crazy i would literally rather take pills off the sidewalk than spend an hour not doing anything#meanwhile my brain is like 'any moment could be your last so each moment is going to be approximately 3.5 hours'
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