#and i told her id just take the meds and form good habits on the meds and then go off the meds | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

loveyourselfff1024 · 8 years ago

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a set back...

i’m not proud when i talk about this..

today i told my baby girl... harley will be her name... just typing it to relive the moment continues to ruin me... i don't want to cry more. the bags under my eyes continue to show all the tears i’ve cried and i can’t seem to stop....

i bought harley a promise ring.. a promise for forever.... and although our forever will be true, an unexpected force came into play. this force has destroyed my confidence, my love for myself, it’s destroyed me from the inside out.... i tried to fake it but there is no lying about this..... there just isn’t.

i simply wasn’t good enough.

today i told harley that we can’t wear our rings anymore... i keep looking at my finger so lost... i know for a fact this isn’t the end... it isn’t but my god.... for her to get better, i had to separate myself for her to get better. i would give her my own happiness and live a life of black and white, loveless and happy-less if it meant her happiness... i had to let her go....here come the waterfall of tears... i know this isn’t forever... but for now... for the healing...

today, i spent my afternoon crying at the river. all i could think about was driving myself into the river... it wasn’t like it would matter anyway right? if god is the man my grandmother says he is.... he created me for you know what? he created me because he wanted me to give everyone all of me and for me to live as vacant and alone as possible. i wasn’t meant to be happy.... i genuinely believe that... which kinda leads me to the next thing.

i got home after this very hard time at the river. i began to clean my room when i dumped a bag full of random stuff out. this bag had glass every where (fucking of course i dumped this shit on my bed too lol) and as i began to clean the glass, i weeped. so you're probably wondering what is the significance of this? the glass was from my most recent car accident. the second wreck i’ve had where i should have died.. no one is entirely sure why i’ve walked away with little to no damage.... even the cops and meds have no idea... but i have but... god took my cousin when he was 16. this boy was a saint. he was going to do so many fucking good things... but you have me at both my last night of being 19 and me being 22 FUCKING MISERABLE with no purpose other than to please others wasn’t taken...... i don’t understand why i walked away.... i should be dead. i would rather be dead. i am no benefit to anyone.... i sobbed because i wanted to be dead. i want to be dead..

i called my friend to try to talk me down but it didn’t get much better after i hung up. i went to my shower and sat there for an hour... i tried to scrub away all my pain.. not just my pain but my worthlessness, my patheticness... i sat there and began to “cut” myself... a habit i left when i was 14 years old.... my skin red from all the smacking of the rubber band i had been using.. not a scar in sight... no one would ever know... i couldn’t help but just take things to a different level.... i cut the shower on to the highest heat allowed... i just wanted all of my skin to fall off.. all of it.. maybe id even die this way... by the time i decided i had enough of the flames coming from my shower, my skin was red... it could be scarred... not entirely sure but i don’t exactly care either.

i think it’s safe to say i stopped drinking because i was forming a codependency... but i think between smoking weed and drinking, i think i can make this all go away...

i won’t ever feel this way. that’s a lie. i will continue but maybe just maybe, i’ll get better?

i just need harley so much right now... harley, i love you and i’m sorry for being such a selfish asshole... i hope you didn’t take off your ring even though i told you to... my heart fucking aches looking at my empty finger...........

jesus christ.

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