#i changed the conversation topic as fast as possible haha

[television-overload]

I hope my coworker isn't ever on NCIS tumblr because I'm about to tell you I just mentioned NCIS in the break room and excitedly told her about the Tiva spinoff, and she said "ugh" and talked about how much she dislikes Ziva and how her character "made no sense" LOOOOL

[leo-interactive-fiction]

Hey, Leo! Hope you're doing alright. I was reading through the blog in chronological order because I wanted to see how much the characters have changed over the course of Triaina's development, and I realized that your answers to some of the old questions have probably changed, too! So, I wanted to bring up the old "what habits do the TA RO's have?" ask and ask you about if they've developed new habits or if their old habits are still accurate.

It's been a while since the start of the blog, and the characters have gone through plenty of evolutions and revisions as I solidified them into my writing. I don't remember the specifics of what exactly my old answers were for that ask, but I'm sure there's probably some things I say that may be the same, while others could be completely different nowadays haha.

Let's see...

E: They have a habit of eating when they're stressed and are fairly particular to certain candies. Their hyperactive lifestyle paired with an extreme metabolism gives them something of a second stomach despite their small stature, so they can end up eating quite a bit more than you'd think. They also have a habit of sticking to an early rising schedule, often being the first one up and about even though classes are hours from starting.

R: They have a habit of getting lost in their own thoughts, and there are often times where they will grow silent and despondent for a second while they think. Unfortunately, it is rare for them to expand on what their thoughts actually were. They also have a small quirk of looking at the ground when they're bored, and collecting rocks they think can be carved.

L: They often lose themselves in rambling when they talk about a topic of interest. Although the servants of their estate in Hospur wouldn't dare to stop them when they'd go on one of these long-winded speeches, they quickly came to realize not everyone held the same passion for discussion, and have attempted to moderate themselves if they find themselves leading a conversation for too long. They also have a habit of reading out loud and performing the motions of the book they're currently reading, an outcome of being isolated in their estate for as long as they have.

V: They make a steadfast habit of cleaning and maintaining their weapon and other equipment. Theyre very methodical in their cleaning process and always do it the exact same way every time, even down to where they place the parts on the table. They also have a habit of sleeping anywhere but on the bed provided by the academy.

P: They clearly have a cussing habit, but besides that they make a habit of doing constant physical conditioning. They also have a habit of tunnel visioning, and focusing very narrowly on one thing at a time when they get emotional.

M: Sleeping.

Ra: You. Also photography, courtesy of the state of the art phone provided to each student by the academy. Again, also of you.

S: They have a habit of doing everything as fast as possible, even at the risk of horrid catastrophy. Whether it's because they have a short attention span, they're used to racing, or they simply can't be assed, no one knows. They also habitually break personal barriers, a general result of the tight-knit communal lifestyle they're used to in Orden.

F: Despite their high stature, they have a habit of tailoring and fixing their own clothing rather than sending it in for someone else to do. They also make a habit of tending the small garden they've collected in their room, and may even dismiss certain meetings and events to make time for that task.

Thank ya for the ask! I'll have to find the old ask for this question and see what's changed since then haha

[lyrical-fanfics]

That looks like fun! (Floyd LeechxFem!Reader)

FLOYD TOOK ME SO LONG! I deleted several drafts and it resulted in this. I hope you all like it!

This is part of a series of one-shots that will later tie into a longer series on my AO3. They're meant to be read like the vignettes in Twisted Wonderland, so if you want a sequel please let me know. Also, let me know if you think you know what the dorm the reader is based on!

The reader is not Yuu. The reader is a student at the OC sister school Fantasia College for girls

3rd person POV

Genre: Fluff

Fem!Reader

   Most people were terrified of the Leech twins. Their reputation preceded them with their sadistic tendencies. Some thought they were safer with either one or the other, but most agreed that both were bad news. With Jade, they could at least pretend that nothing might happen. Floyd was a different story. Some people found his moods more annoying than anything, especially his peers in club activities. The closer you got to Floyd, the more you understood how to maneuver his moods or lack of maneuverability. In most cases, there wasn’t much you could do.  

    His moods would change fast, and his willingness to do anything changed rapidly. Most of the Students on the Fantasia campus were less than thrilled when learning about him, and would mainly avoid him when possible. While they had less experience with him, Night Raven College students would often exchange information to sweeten the girls’ opinions of them.  

    (Name) had just been dealing with such sweetening before Floyd chased the persistent student off. They were on their way to (Name)’s club meeting now, but (Name) had been left alone while Floyd had run off to grab a snack. The two were now bickering over the reasoning behind the boy’s advances.  

    “He knows you’re loaded, there’s no other reason why he was so persistent. ” Floyd scowled as he walked alongside (Name). He had handed over a piece of candy to (Name) out of habit, and she snatched it up with a bit of anger. She was a bit peeved by Floyd’s reasoning, as it made her feel as if Floyd was dismissing her charm. She quickly jumped to debate this reasoning.  

    “Eh? No way, the only people that know are you, Housewarden Indraa, and the Trend club. ” (Name) argued. She quickly stuffed some of the candy into her mouth. “I think he thought I was cute! ” 

    “Yeah, but you act ‘not cute’. ” Floyd retorted, causing (Name) to snort. She took that as a challenge.

    “I can act cute! Easily! ” (Name) argued back, but Floyd grabbed both of (Name)’s cheeks, pulling at them and causing her face to distort slightly.  

    “Awww, you think you can? Haha! You’d probably end up looking dumb. ” Floyd’s teasing frustrated (Name). Maybe he didn’t see it, or maybe he chose to ignore it, but (Name) had a massive crush on Floyd. His lackadaisical attitude was aspirational for (Name), whose freedom was restricted to her schooling here. Not many people knew just how little control (Name) had.  

    Floyd didn’t care, however. He cared about the now, and how he felt in the moment. She knew that even if he knew everything, he would probably still treat her the same.  

    Probably. Can’t be too cautious.  

    (Name) threw off Floyd’s hands before defending herself. “I can be! I guarantee it! ” 

    “Ha! Yeah right. You’re really persistent about this. Just drop it. ” Floyd squashed the topic with one hand as he ruffled (Name)’s hair. “I wanna talk about something else. ” easily changed the flow of conversation, and (Name) went along with it. She didn’t forget about Floyd’s proclamation, however. She could be cute. She wanted to be cute in Floyd’s eyes, especially.  

    The members of the Trend club were all too familiar with Floyd, and often welcomed him, even the ones that didn’t enjoy him as a person.  

    “I see Floyd is with us again today… How fortunate for us. ” Aster Giesell, the Housewarden of Gothelweiss and head of the club held a particular disdain in her voice. Floyd’s presence meant that there would be no snack leftovers if the snack met his fancy.  

    “Oh! Hello Floyd! Our favorite unofficial member! ” Nagai’s tone was far more jovial. As the Vice-Housewarden of (Name)’s house, she knew far more about the situation than (Name) would like.  

    “Hiya, what girlie magazines are you all looking at today? ” Even before (Name) could grab some of the subscriptions Aster had brought, Floyd began flipping through them. He loved perusing the Trend club’s materials, as nothing was ever the same. They observed trends and would sometimes try to replicate them, whether it be in fashion, cooking, home goods, or anything.  

    “I have an abundance of fashion magazines today. I also have some Magicam accounts we can look at. ” Aster starts off with order, but she knows how easily these meets can devolve into chaos when Floyd attends.  

    “Hey! Look at these, (Name)! ” Floyd immediately spots a magazine with all sorts of shoes, along with other men’s fashion magazines. “Man, it still amazes me how much you humans put on your body. ” Floyd begins to flip through one, allowing room for (Name) to peruse over his shoulder.  

    “Oh, that’s right, Mermen don’t really wear clothes, huh? ” (Name) remarked, but she was called away by Nagai.  

    “Speaking of clothing! (Name)! I found something that would work best on you! ” Both Floyd and (Name) lifted their heads to look over at Nagai. In her hands was a magazine, covered in pink decals and articles. (Name) recognized the magazine as one that was popular, especially around Valentine's day. Aster had also lifted her head from what she was doing, pushing copious amounts of curly blonde hair out of her face while looking it over.  

    “Right, Nagai and I were talking about this before you came in (Name). ” (Name) took the magazine in her hands as she looked over the article about a certain sundress that was currently the talk of the internet.  

    “Cottagecore might be on its way out, but this ultra-sheer fabric layered up to create a voluptuous yet ethereal look is to die for, ” Nagai explains as she points at the layers in the magazine. “Some might say this is heading into craft core with how the magazine styled it with those cute thick tights and the knit sweater, but that babydoll look would be perfect on you! ” (Name) furrowed her brows at Nagai, and Floyd spoke up.  

    “Eh? Why’re you making (Name) try it? Why not one of you two? ” Floyd was slightly annoyed with Nagai’s pushiness.  

    “Because both Nagai and I, while I hate to admit it, are more suited for either sexier styles or the Chic styles. ” Nagai’s ears perked as she slinked around Aster, wrapping her arms around the more serious member of the club.  

    “Oooh! You think I’m sexy? ” Nagai was shrugged off quickly as Aster stepped out of her reach.  

    “(Name) on the other hand has a lot more potential for different styles. ” Aster then gives Floyd a glare, realizing he was protesting. “(Name) is our ideal for this style. Besides, I already ordered the clothes. ” 

    “Man, does (Name) even get a say? ” Floyd tried once again to keep (Name) out of the cute clothes, but (Name) piped in.  

    “I want to wear it! It looks cute! ” She then looked over at Floyd with determination in her eyes, and he realized what this meant. She wanted to prove him wrong. She wanted to take back what he said about her acting ‘not cute. ’ He grumbled before looking back at the magazine in his hands. He had some issues with the plan.  

    A few days pass and the club meets again. Once again, Floyd joins them. He was in a rather sour mood that day, and debated not tagging along.  

    “Meh, I’m gonna lay over there, ” Floyd stated as he passed the group and lay down across some desks, causing Aster to give a quizzical look to (Name). (Name) only shrugged at the cause of Floyd’s mood. All she knew is that he needed some space and probably some peace. Aster quickly shrugged it off as she knew a majority of the snacks she got were probably safe today. She hummed as she placed a tablecloth down on a fold-out card table.  

    “(Name)! The clothes came in! Let's get you changed! ” Nagai didn’t miss a beat as she latched onto (Name)’s arm while Aster worked, and began working on her clothes. Aster panicked and began berating Nagai.  

    “Don’t strip her with a man in the room! NAGAI! ” Aster panicked further. “Floyd! Don’t you dare look this way! ” 

    “Don’t tell me what to do. It’s not like I care if people wear clothes or not. ” Floyd replied with a grumble, causing Aster to act quickly and without reason. She ran over to Floyd’s perch and threw the tablecloth she was straightening out over Floyd’s upper half to block his sight. He looked like a child dressing up as a ghost who hadn’t quite figured out the eyeholes yet.  

    “Why didn’t you just hold this up in front of (Name). . . So dumb. ” Floyd scoffed but didn’t bother to remove the tablecloth. (Name) couldn’t help but laugh at the situation as Nagai laid out the dress for her. Aster’s red face spoke of both anger and embarrassment.  

    “Whatever. Let’s finish styling up (Name) before taking pictures. ” 

    Aster and Nagai made quick work of the look. They adjusted (Name)’s hair, the fit of the dress, the accessories, the shoes, everything. They were professionals when it came to making trendy clothes look their best, and were done within minutes. The end result was an off-the-shoulder tulle sundress with embroidered flowers near the hem. The sleeves were bishop sleeves, and translucent. The accessories that Nagai and Aster added were a rather simple necklace, some hair clips, and a couple of rings. They disposed of the tights that the magazine styled the look with and instead went with some simple strappy flats. The makeup was also simple, with mascara, neutral tones, cute blush, and a bright stained lip with some shimmer on the crease.  

    “Perfect. I’ll grab the camera and we’ll begin the photo shoot. ” Aster smiled as Nagai gushed over (Name).  

    “You really rock this! If we tried to do this look, we wouldn’t get the same effect! Ah! It’s so cute on you! ” 

    “Can I take this off yet? ” Floyd made his presence known again as he whipped off the tablecloth that was thrown over him, not caring anymore if (Name) was decent or not, but was soon surprised by the figure who was now in (Name)’s place. (Name) locked eyes with Floyd, who only stared at her with a blank expression and slightly parted lips. She smiled and took her opportunity.  

    “Hey, Floyd! Look at how fun this dress is to spin in! ” (Name) then spun to show the grumpy moray, whose face perked up a bit.  

    “It does look fun,” Floyd, hopped up from his perch, walking in front of Aster who readied her camera.  

    “Hey! Floyd! Move! ” Aster angrily tried to control the situation, but she had about as much control of Floyd now as she did when she threw the tablecloth over him.  

    “Come here! I wanna try spinning it! ” Floyd quickly hugged and picked up (Name), spinning her around. (Name) couldn’t help but start to giggle as Floyd got a kick out of the dress and how it spun. He would stop for a bit to enjoy the laughter with (Name) before starting back up again spinning in the opposite direction.  

    “Hey, Aster, just take the pictures, ” Nagai stated as the two upperclassmen watched the interaction. Aster grimaced at Nagai, but something in Nagai’s eye caught Aster’s attention. “Just trust me. These are gonna be some good pictures. ” 

    Aster sighed before holding up the camera and snapping a few pictures. Floyd was pleased with the outcome.  

    If people had to see (Name) being this cute, they would have to associate him with it. This level of cuteness was all his.  

thank you for reading! If you'd like to keep up to date with my fics as soon as they come off the editing table, follow my AO3

[hismercytomyjustice]

Waaah!!! My bff is coming to visit me next weekend and I’m so excited!!!

°˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

I haven’t seen her since my birthday back in March when we went and did a Clue themed escape room.

She was originally gonna be in town for another reason that one got cancelled, but she’s still coming to see me and it means a lot! We only live about 2.5 hours apart, but it’s hard to find time to meet up. She’s always crazy busy, so I try to not to add to her overwhelm.

I’M SO EXCITED!!! Gonna take her to this killer coffee shop and maybe see if I can find some local karaoke.

Lol she said we could watch some of the movies we’ve been meaning to but let’s be real. We always end up talking nonstop when we’re together so the number of movies we’ll get through is…probably not many, haha.

Hoping to get to visit her later this year to maybe see Clue the Musical (sensing a theme?). And to see her sweet little baby kitty who almost tolerates me!!!

It’d be nice to revisit the area too. I’ve only been living back in my hometown for a year now, after living there for a decade. I prefer that area but wanted to move closer to home for a variety of reasons. It’s tough sometimes. Putting down new roots is hard. Especially for a veritable hermit like me who abhors change in any form.

That also reminds me I’m gonna have to travel for work in June and I don’t wanna.

(;﹏;) It’ll be fine. It’s just for a few days, but I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Gonna have to fly there on a Monday morning and won’t be back home until late Wednesday. It is gonna be wildly busy too. It’s the first time our all remote team will be meeting in person with just our team. I’ve only seen them all in person once before when we had Summit in NOLA last year, but that included our entire business unit.

We were told we’ll probably do Summit with the whole business unit every two years, so that’ll be coming up again next year too.

I just find it wildly exhausting to have to be “on” for other people. Haven’t figured out if it’s an ADHD masking thing or not. Just constantly in my own head like “make eye contact, stop fidgeting, pre-plan topics of conversation, make sure you look interested and engaged, what can you contribute to this conversation” etc. Then retreating to my hotel room to lick my “being social” wounds and inevitably being a shell of a human for 1-2 days after I get back home.

Now that I have the privilege to work from home and have since March 2020, my social battery is almost nonexistent. I’m also hyperaware of how I am around other people, likely because I’m physically around other people so rarely. Partly by choice and partly because of lacking said social battery.

I’m also constantly talking to other people at work, even though I’m remote. Email, Slack, phone, WebEx. My job is super demanding which is good because it keeps me engaged but bad because it tends to wipe me out. I’m much happier than I was when I was stuck in sales *shudders* but when I’m working now, I need to be as close to 100% attention as possible. My executive function is always in shambles by the end of the day.

Hopefully work easing up over the next few months will help.

While I’m a fast worker, having to maintain ALL of my focus for hours at a time is so fucking hard. But the alternative is being fucking miserable at work. And we all know how much our lives in the US revolve around our work!

Gonna be working with my therapist too on better handling demands like this. I am desperate for a routine but when so much of my executive function is devoted to my job, it’s nigh impossible for me to dole it out elsewhere.

And also being more ~self-compassionate~.

(；¬＿¬)

Why is self-compassion so hard???

Because you have OCD and ADHD, you ninny. And you live in a capitalistic hellscape.

[tefilovesreading]

It’s a match! Part. 2

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem!Reader

Word count: 2k

Warnings: None, language but that’s it.

A/N: LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANNA BE TAGGED. 

Edited by: @theamazingtomholland​ 

MASTERLIST // PART 1 // PART 3

“What do you mean he sent you a good morning text?” Jo asked, almost choking on her toast.

“He asked for my number last night,” Y/N explained, her hands shaking while she tried to unlock her phone, “and when I woke up, I had a text from him saying good morning and wishing me a good day.”

“Damn the boy is a keeper,” her friend whistled and winked at her after she read the message.

“He told me he wanted to FaceTime.”

She sat on the stool next to where her best friend was sitting and rested her chin on her hand. The butterflies in her stomach felt more like hundreds of bees buzzing fiercely in there. 

“And you?” Jo questioned with an intrigued look on her face, “do you wanna do it?”

“I think so,” Y/N answered, biting the inside of her cheek, “he’s really cute, and I had fun texting last night.”

“Well that’s a new one,” the ginger girl joked. All their friends knew how much Y/N hated texting, leaving messages on read for days, or taking absolutely forever to respond. She always felt weird texting, not knowing very well how to keep the conversation going over text.

“Tell him you have thirty minutes, and then you have to go do something else,” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and Jo rolled her eyes, “that way if you don’t feel comfortable you have an easy exit.”

“And what if I’m enjoying it?” Jo looked at her as if she was trying to explain how the water cycle worked to a kid, “Jo I’m being serious!”

“In that case, my love, you hang up and call him again after you tell me everything.”

“Who said I was gonna tell you anything, uh?” Y/N smirked and blew her a kiss after her friend gave her an offended look.

“Whatever, Y/N,” Jo flipped her off, “just tell him your professor was sick or something like that.”

“You’re a lifesaver, did I tell you that?” Y/N kissed her friend’s cheek and then jumped off, “I’m gonna go take a shower, see you later.”

“See you later, babe,” Jo said, “don’t forget to eat!”

“I won’t!” Y/N yelled, on her way to the bathroom they shared.

Y/N: Good morning! Hope you have a great day too

She smiled satisfied at her reply and hit the send button.

Y/N couldn’t remember the last time she felt so giddy about a guy, it was exciting, to say the least. Charlie seemed like an easygoing person and really easy to talk to. Sure she was nervous talking to him, but who wouldn’t? The guy was super cute and so nice to her, she already knew she’d be crushing hard.

Thirty minutes later, she was on her way to class with time to go to her favorite coffee shop and have a quick breakfast.

Charlie: Didn’t think you’d answer me so early hahaha Y/N: I have a class in like 20 minutes, wouldn’t have woken up this early if i didn’t have class lol Charlie: So you’re not a morning person Y/N: Oh no, absolutely not!!

She smiled at the boy in the cashier and laughed softly when he asked her if she was ordering the same thing she always did.

“Oh, can you add a brownie please?” Y/N asked politely, while she looked for her card on her bag. After paying for her food, she went to one of the tables in the back.

Charlie: Noted! I swear i try to not wake up early but i can’t Y/N: I bet you’re the kind of friend that wakes everyone up with a lot of noise  Charlie: How did ya know that hahahaha Y/N: I was just guessing, but you do seem like a loud person Charlie: I am, i won’t try to deny it Charlie: What about you??  Y/N: Mmm Y/N: It depends Y/N: But my laugh is extra loud, so I can’t say I’m a quiet girl

“Vanilla latte!” Y/N put away her phone and stood up to get her order.

“Thanks, Dylan,” she thanked the boy and grabbed a few napkins before making her way back to her table. 

Charlie: I bet your laugh is really cute

Her cheeks were burning after that message, and it took her a couple of minutes to tame the butterflies in her stomach before she was able to type a response. Because as much as she wanted to laugh it off and change the topic, she knew he was flirting with her and if she didn’t flirt back, their conversation was basically dead.

Y/N: Guess you’ll have to find out yourself ;).

That was a nice reply, right? She screenshotted their chat and sent it to Jo. If anyone knew how to flirt while texting, it was her best friend.

Y/N: How does it look? Is it too much?? Too little?? Y/N: H E L P

Jo’s response was quick as always. One of the many reasons she loved her.

Jo: Girl it’s fine Jo: Stop worrying about it Jo: It’s mysterious and a good way to tell him you wanna FaceTime Y/N: Ok ok thank you love ya Jo: Love you more  

Checking the hour on her phone, Y/N finished her bagel and gathered her stuff. She waved Dylan goodbye and left the coffee shop. She spent more time than she expected to in there and if she didn’t hurry she’d be late for class. 

It was times like this one that made her regret not knowing how to drive because even if all her classmates liked the Lyft program they had for free, she still felt unsafe getting in the car without a friend.

Back in the day, when she was still dating Lance, he’d made sure to call her and talk to her during the whole ride to wherever Y/N needed to go just to make her feel safe. After all, he was never a bad boyfriend, their paths just went in different ways and they both wanted different things in life.

Charlie: Yeah i guess Charlie: What if i call you later when you’re done with your classes??Charlie: No pressure

She could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks for the second time in less than an hour and had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling. 

Y/N: Sure, i’ll let you know once i’m done Y/N: But i have to say bye for now Y/N: Gotta pay attention haha Charlie: Get that degree! Charlie: Talk to you later!

Focusing on whatever her professor was saying was a hard task, she just wanted to pull her phone out and text Charlie, see what he was up to and get home as soon as possible, so they could FaceTime.

Sitting on the edge of her seat, she couldn’t help but bounce her leg to relieve the eagerness rushing through her veins. She still had fifteen minutes left, and then she’d be sprinting out of the classroom and going back to her apartment.

“Dude, do you gotta use the bathroom or what?” Sadie, the girl she always sat with during class, whispered through gritted teeth.

“Sorry,” she apologized, crossing her legs to stop herself from bouncing her leg. Although the new position didn’t stop her from moving her foot. 

“What’s up with you?” Sadie snorted once she realized Y/N couldn’t sit still.

“Nothing,” she replied quickly, scribbling on her notebook the pages she needed to read for the next class, “I just wanna go home.”

“But you have never been this eager to leave this class,” the girl commented without looking at her, too focused on taking notes, “you love this class.”

“I don’t know,” Y/N let out a sigh and checked the hour on her watch, “I just don’t feel like sitting here right now.”

Her classmate didn’t make another comment about her eagerness to leave the classroom, she just nodded her head as if she was telling her she understood.

“I think that’s all for today, guys,” the professor mentioned, leaning on the desk, “have a good day, and don’t forget to read the articles I mentioned.”

Y/N hurried to gather her things and waved Sadie goodbye before walking as fast as she could to the door. She needed to leave before the halls flooded with students. Y/N considered taking the stairs instead of the elevator but knowing how clumsy she could be, she opted for the latter. Falling down the stairs wasn’t on her plans.

Twenty minutes and a mile later, she dropped her keys on the bowl next to the door of her apartment and kicked off her shoes. She checked her out in the full-length mirror Jo had in their living room and shrugged. Charlie knew she was a college student, and it wouldn’t be weird to see her wearing a hoodie with her college’s logo, also, she was comfy and didn’t want to change into something else. 

She fixed her hair and made sure she didn’t have smudged mascara under her eyes and then made herself comfortable on the couch.

Y/N: Just made it home

Y/N: That was one hell of a long class haha

She bit her nails, the nervousness kicking in while she waited for a response from Charlie. Maybe he was busy now that she wasn’t. God if their schedules didn’t let them at least FaceTime, she felt like she’d start crying and delete the app. It wasn’t like she was talking to other guys though.

Charlie: Finally!! Charlie: Wanna FaceTime?? Or are you tired?

“Fuck no,” she whispered to herself before she started writing her reply.

Y/N: Nah! Let's FaceTime

Her heart started pounding on her chest when the video call entered and the phone started vibrating in her hand.  

“Shit, shit, shit,” she cursed before putting a smile on her face and answering the call. “Hey!”

Holy shit. His pictures didn’t make him justice. 

“How you doin’?” Charlie said and her cheeks blushed.

“It’s that a Friends reference?” she asked trying to hide her smile.

“I swear I don’t mean it in that way,” he laughed, and the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled made her heart flutter. “But seriously, how was your day?”

“It was good even though I hate waking up early,” the way Charlie was looking at her with so much attention, even if it was through a screen it  made her feel so confident, “I had breakfast at this little coffee shop near my apartment and then went to class.”

“But that sounds like a nice morning,” Charlie mentioned, his sweet smile never leaving his face.

“What were you up to anyway?”

“Not much actually,” he shrugged and the gesture made him look young, “I went for a run, then I had to film some tapes for a few auditions, and now I’m chilling.”

“You’re an actor,” Y/N pointed out, not even surprised about the new information he just revealed. It was Los Angeles after all.

“I am,” he smiled, and she swore she could see a pink tint on his cheeks, “I started back in Canada when I was about fourteen or fifteen.”

“Any chances I’ve watched it?” Charlie scrunched his nose and shook his head.

“Maybe, if you are into foreign films,” Y/N tilted her head confused at his answer, “It’s in French.”

“You learned how to speak in French for the movie?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows together when Charlie started laughing.

“I grew up speaking French and English,” he explained with a soft smile, “I’m French Canadian.”

“That makes a lot more sense now,” she laughed off her embarrassment, “I’m gonna blame the fact that I woke up early today. I’m not this dumb, I swear.”

“Don’t worry,” he said and the smile faded just enough for her to notice his intense stare, “I thought it was cute.”

She bit her lip at his words and tried to look away from the screen, but Charlie’s eye contact felt as if he was looking right into her soul and she couldn’t break that connection even if she wanted to. And she definitely didn’t want to do that.

tagged: @chevyimpala00067​ @samanthawilliamspring​ @searchingunderthestars @luke-patt @moneybagmgk @angisbr @happinessinthedarkesttimes @knitsessed @cordeliascrown @crybabyddl @phantompogues @the-romanian-is-bae @doaspeggy-says

[wikiangela-fanfics]

"I keep my promises" - Sambucky

Ao3

This is part 2 to "You should smile more"

part 1, part 3

I started writing it before episode 6, so the fact that they dealt with all that Flag Smashers stuff is just really vaguely mentioned! and it's not important to the fic because I'm all about the fluff lmao

also, because of that, the cookout scene is not here but I might write a different fic about it idk

There will be part 3! might take a while though haha

again, thank you SO SO SO much to @tasteslikestrawbebbies for beta-reading ♥♥♥

Enjoy ♥

***

Bucky kept his promise. Or at least the part about coming to visit once they were done with everything. Sam just hoped he really was gonna stay, as long as possible.

He was excited for Bucky to visit. At least until he actually saw Bucky on his porch one morning, and suddenly he was really nervous. What do they do now? Do they hug hello? Do they kiss? Damn, Sam desperately wanted to kiss those lips again.

But Bucky just said “Hi” and smiled, making Sam feel the stupid butterflies in his stomach again. In the short time they hadn’t seen each other he almost forgot how annoying this feeling was. Especially since it was caused by none other than Bucky Barnes, the one-hundred-year-old ex-assassin with a staring problem, whose smile was enough to make Sam forget his own name.

“Took you long enough.” Sam said, rolling his eyes, really trying not to grab Bucky’s perfect face and kiss him breathless. He wasn’t really sure where they stood. Bucky did make an impression that he wanted this to go somewhere, last time he was there, but then they hadn’t seen each other, and there wasn’t really time to make out or have heart-to-hearts on the mission. And then they hadn’t seen each other again for a few days after they dealt with all that shit. And Sam was almost sure that maybe Bucky changed his mind, but now here he was. Standing on the porch, looking so gorgeous in early morning light, bag in hand, without as much as a text, again. Of course, they had talked on the phone when Bucky was in New York, and they texted, although not as much as Sam would’ve wanted. But the topic of them never came up.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” he grinned. “You missed me?”

“You wish.” Sam scoffed, as if he could still deny the fact that he did, in fact, miss Bucky. And Bucky knew that, of course he did. But still, Sam wasn’t gonna just admit it out loud. At least not yet. Honestly, all he really wanted was to stick his tongue down Bucky’s throat, and when he does that, then he can admit that he missed him a little bit. He felt his cheeks heat up at the mere thought and decided that he needed to get it together, because he was being pathetic. It was just Bucky, for fuck’s sake. Just his really annoying not-partner, not-exactly-friend, maybe not even coworker… whatever-they-were-now. “Come on in.” he sighed, opening the door wider. “We’re just having breakfast.” he added, because it was morning. The boys hadn’t even left for school yet. It was early, and Bucky was already there.

He walked back to the kitchen, Bucky trailing behind him, after dropping his bag by the door.

“Hi Bucky!” the boys exclaimed excitedly once they saw him. They were sitting at the table, already halfway through the meal.

“Hey, guys.” he said with a smile, high fiving both of them. Then he looked at Sarah and flashed her one of his most charming smiles. One of those he had never directed at Sam, not that he cared. “Hi, Sarah.” he said, his tone similar to when he first met her. Sam couldn’t contain a small huff, which caused both his sister and Bucky to look at him, Sarah with surprise, Bucky with amusement.

“Nice to see you again, Bucky.” Sarah just said, apparently deciding to ignore Sam, which he was thankful for. He didn’t want to get into that now. Not when he wasn’t sure what that even was. “You eaten breakfast yet?”

“No.” Bucky shrugged, deciding to take off that damn leather jacket of his. Sam definitely did not ogle him as he did. Obviously not. Not even when he was left in just a tight t-shirt. Nope. “The plane was early, and I wasn’t really hungry then.” he sat down at the empty place at the table.

“I hope you are now. Let me get you a plate.” she got up, while Sam slowly sat down too.

“You know you could’ve gotten a later flight, right?” Sam said, taking a sip of coffee.

“Sam.” Bucky said and Sam immediately looked up at him. “Don’t even try to complain, you invited me here. And you really wanted me to stay last time I was here, if I remember correctly.” he added, a smirk on his face, his tone a little teasing, last sentence even bordering on suggestive. Someone felt much more confident than before, huh?

Sam felt his face heat up, but he didn’t answer. He did, however, see his sister look between him and Bucky in confusion, but also with a small, barely-there smile. He knew she would have some questions, especially if Bucky kept it up. Both the comments, and the flirting with Sarah. It was bothering Sam. Of course he wasn’t jealous, but it was bothering him. Only a little bit.

Fortunately, Sarah made small talk for the remainder of the meal, and AJ and Cass were really excited to talk to Bucky too, so it wasn’t quiet. Then the boys left for school, and Sarah was about to start cleaning up, but Bucky stopped her.

“Let me take care of that, you just go to work.” he stood up and smiled that stupid flirtatious smile again. And normally Bucky’s smiles would get Sam to smile too, but right then he wasn’t in the mood.

“You’re a guest, Bucky.” she chastised, trying to grab the plates, but he took them first.

“I insist. As a thank you for delicious breakfast.” for some reason he decided to wink at her in that moment, and Sam’s blood boiled. He loved his sister, he really did, but in that moment he just needed her to leave Bucky alone - even if it was technically Bucky who was doing all the flirting… Sam was really confused about everything, including, or rather especially, his own thoughts and feelings.

“Okay.” she rolled her eyes after a second, relenting to Bucky’s stare, no surprise there. “Just this once.” she said, pointing her finger at Bucky. “Thank you.” she added, walking out of the kitchen.

As Bucky started cleaning, Sam didn’t move to help. He just sat there, admiring how good Bucky looked, and how nice it was to see him in such a domestic setting.

When Sarah finally left the house, Bucky was about to finish washing the dishes. Sam never would’ve thought that he would ever see him doing that. Such a simple, mundane task, and yet it was kind of abstract to see. Sam walked over to him and leaned against the counter, close to the sink.

“I think I told you to stop flirting with my sister.” he tried to sound casual, but when Bucky looked at him with a grin, he knew he failed.

“I’m not.” he rolled his eyes. “Why do you care?” he teased, knowing the answer perfectly well.

“You know why.” Sam wasn’t even going to bother pretending that he didn’t care, or that it was just because he was a protective brother. He thought they were past that.

“Oh, I’m not actually sure.” Bucky’s expression turned mock-contemplative, as if he was straining to remember. “You might need to refresh my memory. You know, I am pretty old, my memory is not the same as it used to be.” he tried to sound and look sad or nostalgic, but he was having too much fun with this conversation. Way too much, because Sam was not amused in the slightest.

“Really? You making memory jokes now?” he raised an eyebrow. He immediately thought about Bucky’s time as the Winter Soldier, when he didn’t remember anything, and how he was struggling with reality as he got the memories back… and even just the memories of the Soldier killing people, that were still haunting Bucky. Sam figured memory might be a sensitive topic, but here Bucky was, making jokes about it. “And you seemed to remember that I wanted you to stay.” he added more quietly, remembering what Bucky said to him earlier.

“Yeah, well, it’s getting kinda hazy now.” Bucky said, putting another plate on the drying rack. “I’m really trying to remember, but I might need a little refre-”

His sentence was cut short by a quiet “Oh, for fuck’s sake” muttered by Sam, who then grabbed Bucky’s face, slamming their mouths together. Bucky immediately kissed back, turning fully towards Sam and putting his wet hands on the small of Sam’s back, bringing him closer. The kiss probably would have gotten deeper and more heated, as Sam was about to add some tongue action, but then Bucky had to pull away. Had to, because he couldn’t kiss while smiling this hard. And when Sam looked at him, there was a shit-eating grin on Bucky’s face. He looked so pleased with himself, probably because he got Sam to initiate the kiss again. Truth be told, Sam probably wouldn’t be able to resist those lips much longer anyway.

“Shut up.” Sam said, lightly pushing him away, trying to keep his expression annoyed, but he knew there was a smile forcing itself on his face, too. Bucky just chuckled, getting back to finishing the dishes. Once he was done, he wiped his hands and turned to face Sam.

“You don’t need to be jealous of Sarah.” he said teasingly, probably just to annoy Sam.

“I’m not- I’m not fucking jealous!” Sam said, maybe a little too fast, and a little too loud. “I don’t care.” he knew he just contradicted what he said earlier, but fuck it. He might have cared, but he wasn’t gonna let Bucky believe he was jealous.

“Sure you don’t.” he rolled his eyes, going to pick up his bag and then to the living room, dropping it on the couch. Sam followed him. “So what are we doing today?”

“What?” he was a little distracted by watching Bucky, as he walked in front of him, so he wasn’t really listening. Damn, the more he was around Bucky, the more he wanted him. Maybe he should’ve visited Bucky in New York, where his family wasn’t around, and… oh no, he’s not thinking about that, not yet. Bucky hasn’t been there half an hour and Sam’s mind was already shutting down all rational thoughts. This was getting ridiculous.

“Do you have anything else that needs fixing? You wanna train again? Or are we just gonna sit here and do nothing? C’mon, I’m a guest. You should plan something to do.” he shrugged, sitting on the couch, while Sam just stood there by the door, looking at him. He didn’t really know where to look. His eyes wandered from Bucky’s muscular chest covered by the super tight t-shirt, to the strong flesh arm, to the metal arm that looked so alluring, to Bucky’s face and the blue eyes that stared at him a lot, and the lips that Sam was dying to kiss again.

“What?” he repeated, feeling his breath quicken a bit. Then he finally managed to snap out of it. He needed to get a grip, Bucky was already way too smug about this whole thing they had, whatever it was. “You didn’t let me know when you were coming, I didn’t-” he sighed. “I guess I can show you around the town. It’s not much, but.” he shrugged. “And we’ll figure out what to do later when we have to. But we could maybe go for a drink in the evening. Or grab something to eat.” he was just thinking out loud now, but Bucky smirked again. Sam was glad he didn’t finish his last thought out loud. To grab something to eat he actually wanted to add: just the two of us, without my family, especially my sister who you seem to like to flirt with, but I am not jealous. Yeah… he might need to talk to Sarah before he accidentally acts like a complete asshole towards her, which was probable, as he was not thinking when Bucky was around.

“You inviting me on a date, Wilson?” his tone was teasing and Sam immediately wanted to throw some snarky comment or just deny it, but… that was actually a nice idea. If that’s what Bucky wanted.

“Depends. You up for it?” he asked, putting a smirk on his face, and trying to sound and act casual, leaning on the doorframe and almost losing his balance, making Bucky’s lips twitch as if he wanted to laugh. Sam would be glad to hear that beautiful sound, but he would also be really annoyed that he was laughing at him, so he was glad Bucky kept it in. “So?” he prompted when instead of answering Bucky just kept looking at him.

“Sure.” he shrugged, as if it wasn’t as big of a deal for him as it was for Sam. “But just so you know,” he added, that freaking smug smile back on his face. “I don’t put out on the first date.” and he had the audacity to fucking wiggle his eyebrows.

“What?” Sam’s brain short-circuited. “Why would you say-? What?” Bucky just laughed and gave him a knowing look, as if he noticed how Sam was ogling him since he got there. And knowing Bucky and his perceptiveness, he probably did notice. “You’re so annoying.” he just sighed, his face on fire, avoiding looking at Buck now. He tried to be cool, but he was painfully aware that Bucky could see through all his bullshit.

“Hey, you wanted me here.” he reminded again, that Sam did, in fact, invite him there. And he was quite insistent, not only when Bucky was there, but when they talked on the phone, he did try to subtly ask when he was planning to visit.

“I’m starting to regret that.” Sam said, trying to seem annoyed, but they both knew he was not serious.

“Well, tough. I’m here now.” Bucky answered, but then he added, his tone more earnest: “I promised I’ll visit and stay until you want me to leave. And I keep my promises. So whenever you want me to go, just say the word.”

Sam finally looked at him. Bucky seemed a bit unsure now, and he didn’t even bother trying to hide it. His eyes found Sam’s, staring into them from across the room, as if he could find the answers there. Of course he must’ve known that Sam wanted him to stay, that was just their usual banter. But apparently, he needed a bit of reassurance.

“Buck, don’t be ridiculous.” Sam rolled his eyes and let his lips form into a small, fond smile. He quickly crossed the room and sat down next to Bucky, who kept looking at him. He didn’t even correct him on calling him ‘Buck’ so that was good, and it made Sam happier than it should. “It’s gonna take more than you being annoying for me to kick you out. And that’s a good moment to remind you to stop flirting with Sarah.” he added, not able to help himself, and Bucky grinned again.

“I can’t believe you’re jealous.” he said.

“Say that one more time and you’re out of here.” Sam responded sternly, getting genuinely annoyed. Of course there was no way he would actually kick Bucky out, but he could at least pretend to consider it.

“Mhm.” Bucky rolled his eyes, clearly sure now that Sam won’t want him to go. But before Sam could say anything more, Bucky leaned in and kissed him. And Sam immediately melted against those lips. He briefly wondered what it all meant, what they were, where they stood… but as Bucky slipped his tongue into his mouth, all thoughts disappeared. He felt like he was floating somewhere outside his body. Or as if he was flying, it was the same rush of excitement. His hands were all over Bucky, it was as if they were just doing it on their own, he barely registered their movements. He was trying to bring Bucky as close to him as possible. Bucky’s hands, however, he felt all too vividly and intensely. He felt every little touch, as Bucky’s hands moved along his arms, to his back, to the back of his head, to cradle his face… And it felt pretty insane, too, with one flesh, hot hand, and the other cool metal, both leaving Sam’s skin burning. Insane in all the best ways. And adding Bucky’s amazing lips to that… he was a mess. He could not form one coherent thought. Bucky knew what he was doing and he was an amazing kisser. And the one and only thought that came to Sam’s mind was, if he’s that good at kissing, I really want to see what other things he can do with his mouth… and other parts of his body. But he didn’t allow himself to go there. Not yet, not now. Not on his sister’s couch, minutes after Bucky was flirting with her, which, yeah, bothered Sam.

When they pulled away, Sam was out of breath, Bucky was panting a bit too.

“So that was, uh.” Sam started, just to say anything, but his brain didn’t seem to be working yet. “Fun.” he finished and Bucky snickered. And Sam cursed himself silently. Out of all the things he could say, that was fun was what came out of his mouth. Fun? Well, it was fun, but more importantly it was hot and fucking amazing.

“Yeah, it was.” Bucky agreed with amusement. Then he leaned back on the couch, the metal arm on the back of it, behind Sam. “So are we going?”

“Where?” Sam asked dumbly, momentarily completely forgetting everything that happened before that kiss.

“You were gonna show me the town? So we’re not stuck here the whole day?” he raised his eyebrow. “I wouldn’t mind staying here and making out, but we probably shouldn’t. You know, I don’t want you to get too… excited.” he added, looking deliberately at Sam’s crotch, where his pants might have been starting to get a bit too tight. There was an amused and smug smirk on Bucky’s face.

“Fuck you.” Sam grumbled, feeling his face heat up again. God, that was embarrassing. They only made out, and here Sam was, half hard, not able to stop himself from thinking about how hot Bucky is, and what he wants to do to him… His thoughts were reaching a dangerous territory, so he needed to get out of the house, where he would be able to focus on other things than Bucky. He’s always known Bucky was hot, but before they kissed, he was able to keep it together. Now, though...

“Sam, not yet.” his tone was exasperated. “I said not on the first date, so certainly not before it, either.” Bucky said and Sam started to regret every decision he’s made that led them to this moment. “I’m kind of old-fashioned.” he added with a shrug and a smirk.

“You’re such an ass.” Sam covered his face with his hands. “And you’re not old-fashioned, you’re just super old.” he added, his voice muffled by his hands. Bucky laughed and nudged his shoulder.

“I’m just messing with you, relax.” he said, ignoring the ‘old’ comment.

Sam lowered his hands and leveled Bucky with a stern look, earning another chuckle, which was such a great sound, he couldn’t help that the corners of his mouth turned upwards a little bit.

“Well, I’m glad you’re having fun at my expense.” Sam replied, rolling his eyes. But then, a small fond smile appeared at his face, and he added: “I like to see you smile.”

“Uh, thanks.” Bucky’s cheeks reddened, and he looked away for a second. Interesting. So he could shamelessly make sex jokes, but couldn’t take a compliment without blushing? That was important information. Sam didn’t know exactly why yet, but it was very important to remember. “I think we kinda established that last time.” Bucky added, referring to Sam blurting out that Bucky should smile more, but at least that whole situation led to them kissing, so he was happy.

“Yeah, but I just needed to tell you again. You have a really beautiful smile.” he said just to see Bucky’s face go red. He wanted to say more of what he likes about Bucky’s appearance, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to stop and he would give Bucky more opportunity to make fun of him. While Sam loved Bucky’s smile, his laugh happened to be the greatest sound he ever heard. His eyes were captivatingly blue, his face was so gorgeous Sam could stare at it for hours at a time, his jaw and those goddamn cheekbones... And his soft, kissable, amazing lips… and don’t even let him get started on the rest of Bucky’s body.

“Okay, let’s just talk about something else.” Bucky said, still not looking at Sam.

“We should probably go.” Sam said, licking his lips, as Bucky looked back at him. “I really don’t think I can trust myself when I’m alone with you right now.” he muttered and it was when Bucky’s eyes widened in surprise and then a smirk appeared on his face, that Sam realized that he said that out loud. “Fuck me.” he closed his eyes, wishing for the earth to open up and swallow him. And then he thought that he should really stop setting himself up for all Bucky’s jokes and teasing.

“Buy me dinner first.” Bucky responded and Sam couldn’t help himself, he reached out and punched Bucky’s arm that was behind him. What he forgot to take into account was that it was the vibranium one. He didn’t use much force, but his knuckles meeting the metal still hurt.

“Shit.” he hissed, clutching his hand with his other one. “It’s all your fault.”

“Obviously.” Bucky rolled his eyes and chuckled, taking his arm away from the back of the couch, and taking Sam’s hurt hand into his instead. Then Sam watched in awe as Bucky brought his hand to his lips and delicately kissed the knuckles. “If I’m gonna stick around, you gotta be more careful. Aim for the right one.” he said with amusement, shifting so that he was fully facing Sam now, and put his right arm more forward.

“Imma remember that.” he murmured, his eyes on his hand still in Bucky’s grip. “I’m gonna-” he quickly got up and started making his way to his room. “Gimme a minute and we can go out. Around people and distractions.” the last sentence was whispered already at his door, but he knew Bucky heard it, enhanced hearing and all, because he heard him laugh. Damn, seeing Buck so relaxed and happy and laughing… Sam felt all warm inside and his heart was doing flips every time he heard that wonderful sound. He was honestly a bit afraid of how he felt around Bucky. He could barely control himself, what he was doing and saying. He found himself wishing they could just have that date, maybe two, and he could finally do what he has wanted for a long time now - just jump Bucky’s bones. Of course, even if Bucky was kidding about it, Sam knew he was an asshole and he was going to keep his ‘no sex on the first date’ rule, or whatever it was. But he had a feeling Bucky wanted him as much as he wanted Bucky. And the whole sexual tension and frustration were driving him crazy, so sue him for wanting to relieve it. Obviously, he wanted Bucky in more ways than one. He wanted him in his life in general, he wanted Bucky to never leave his side, to kiss him and hold him, and sleep next to him, and just to be in every aspect of his life, eventually. But for now there was one thing he could focus on the most. And Bucky’s comments and jokes were not making it easier for him. Additionally, the more time he spent around Bucky, the more Bucky smiled and laughed, and just seemed so comfortable and relaxed, the more Sam’s heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest. It felt as if his feelings for Bucky were growing every second. He occupied Sam’s mind all the time, and it was getting annoying. Damn Bucky Barnes and his piercing blue eyes and a gorgeous smile that lights up the room. Sam was so gone.

[shoichee]

Omgomg, congratsss on 200!!! You deserve all of ittt💕 could I have 15 for akashi pleasee? Thank youu!!

HI ANONIE, I’m flattered that you think that I have 200 REEEE but it’s actually just a 100 milestone hahahaha;; hope you’re lurking around on my blog rn and sorry it took a while, but without further ado.... i present to you

Akashi x Reader

15. “Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not”

Word Count: 2696

prompt list here

Note: we need more boku-akashi, i repeat, we need more SCARY AKASHI (SHAMELESS plug of another boku-akashi fic i did here)

»»—————　☼　—————««

Everything changed after that violent rainstorm that day.

You did not know what happened in Teiko’s gymnasium that practice, but no matter how much you try to probe Momoi, Murasakibara, and even Kuroko about it on separate occasions, none of them seemed willing to divulge anything to you. It seems like everyone suddenly became a different person in just a single day, and you are left completely in the dark, grasping for nothing and having no clue what to do.

“H-haha…” Momoi nervously stammered. “Honestly, I think it was just a really bad day for everyone… I’m just concerned for Dai-chan…” And with that, you remember her dashing away to the stairs to cut the conversation short. You wonder what she meant about Aomine.

“Hnn,” Murasakibara hummed dismissively. “Practice is just getting annoying.” He never said anything more, and his silence spoke louder than words to you as he stared down at you with his peripheral vision: “leave now.” And so you reluctantly leave, your mind swirling with even more questions than you had prior.

“Ah…” Kuroko said. “Mm, well, I worry for our team… is all, but please don’t worry about us too much, (y/n)-san.”

“Kuroko?” you called out, deciding to drop the topic seeing his slight discomfort.

“Yes?”

“Do you know where Seijuro is?”

He flickered his gaze to the floor for a quick second before he returned his eyes to you.

“... I don’t know.”

“That can’t be helped,” you reassured him. “I’ll look for him myself. Thanks, Kuroko!” As you ran outside to head towards the gym, Kuroko stretched out his arm in a feeble attempt to stop you, but his fingers barely grazed your hair and ended up clasping air as he watched you with dread at the inevitable harsh truth you were about to encounter.

After all, who had the heart to tell you that Akashi Seijuro wasn’t as he seemed this entire time?

Gasping for air as you creak the bulky doors open, you immediately notice the lack of lights turned on, with only the evening sunlight filtering through the foggy windows from the 2nd floor giving the gym its light source. Amidst the stretched shadows on the court, only Midorima stands alone with his basketballs, shooting constant half-court shots in complete silence. Akashi was nowhere to be found.

Noticing your presence, Midorima turns around irritated, ready to berate the offender who interrupted his practice before he registers that it was just you. He sighs and puts the basketballs back into their storage basket before he gives you his full attention.

“I’m assuming you are here for Akashi,” he says, pushing up his glasses that had been slowly sliding down his nose from the sweat.

“Yeah—”

“He’s not here, nanodayo. He already left a while ago. I’ve been given charge of locking up the gym for the night.”

“Is… that so?” you said, scratching the back of your neck. “Well… I guess it can’t be helped, right? So, aha… I’ll see you tomorrow practice then?” Midorima only gives you a firm nod before he turns around to start mopping up the gym floors. Not wanting to partake in the awkward, distant silence between the two of you, you promptly left the gym, taking extra care to close the doors quietly to not disturb the greenhead inside.

That was… odd, to say the least. Akashi has always waited for you to walk you home together. It wasn’t that he had to, but he’s always insisted on walking you out of concern for your safety and gently teasing you that he wanted to spend a little more time with you. It was simply a small custom you two shared over the year you were together. Even if he couldn’t make it, he would always let you know beforehand either personally or through calls and texts.

Your heart feels unbelievably heavy and you’re not quite sure why.

———

During times like these were when you really hated the fact that Akashi was in a different class than you. Your mind constantly drifts back to last night when you dialed him a few times to have a casual talk with him but received nothing but empty buzzes on his end. Figuring he was very busy, you decided to just go about your own schedules and send him a small text to him before you went to bed.

Seiji, I hope you’re not over-exerting yourself. I have many things to talk to you about, and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Goodnight!

But that morning, you checked your phone to find that there wasn’t a single notification from him. Opening the messages, you blankly stared at “Seen.” underneath your last text. And it hurt.

Even now, you still feel that you’re overreacting and jumping to conclusions way too fast over something so trivial. But he’s always made a point to communicate with each other, and if he was too tired or if he wanted to be left alone, he would’ve told you clearly. You have no one to confide in about your turmoil; you weren’t very close with the other “Generation of Miracles” and no one else knows Akashi better than them. It wasn’t a huge deal at all, yet why do you feel so afraid of what’s to come?

Your heart feels unbelievably heavy and you’re denying the possible reasons why.

“(y/n)-cchi?” Kise noticed you walking to no particular destination. “What are you doing here?” When you tell him that you’re looking for Akashi, Kise gives a strained smile as he pats your head in an almost consoling manner. “Haven’t seen the captain since practice two days ago.”

“Two days ago? Kise, did you forget there was practice yesterday?”

“Had a photoshoot, couldn’t make it,” he shrugs. “Besides, it’s not like I’m gonna be punished if I choose to ditch anyways.”

“Ditch?”

“Yep~ as long as we win our games, he doesn’t have a problem.”

“That… can’t be right.”

“Who knows what he’s thinking?” he sighs. “Geez, but he can really be scary, I don’t know how you’re dating him.” Kise turns to the vending machine behind him to slot in two coins for a soda. “Do you want one too?”

“Um, it’s okay,” you said, more fixated on his previous words. “Seijuro isn’t scary… he isn’t like that.” Kise turns around to face you again with a can in his hand, and he sighs before he tousles his own hair.

“I guess you know him better than I do, so maybe he was just having a bad day,” he says. “If you’re still looking for him try one of the empty classrooms, I’m sure he’s off playing some shogi by himself or with Midorimacchi.”

So here you are, scouring the hallways for all the empty rooms on all the floors, trying to find the redhead. When you find Midorima walking towards your direction in the hallway instead, you briskly walk to him to intercept his path.

“Sorry to bother you, Midorima-san,” you hurriedly say. “I know it’s been annoying to hear this but…” You pause, and Midorima instantly knew what you were going to inquire about.

“He’s down the hall to your left. Take the stairs and go straight ahead.” When you thank him profusely and start to head off, Midorima is still watching you from where he was standing.

“(y/n)-san.” At the call of your name, you stop to turn back to face Midorima from the end of the hallway. “Your sign is at the lowest of the luck rankings according to the Oha Asa today. Your lucky item is a dictionary, but I can only advise you to be careful.” You only answer him with an exasperated smile at his antics before you continue on your way.

As you rush to the room Midorima described about, you think of how you are going to confront Akashi. Were you going to chastise him for yesterday? Give him the biggest hug? Pout at him about how you miss him? Ask about his day? You shake your head and decide to just focus on looking for him first before anything else.

You wonder why he was here in the secluded part of the building. Did he often come here prior to today? You take a deep breath and sigh in relief in seeing your boyfriend through the door.

Smiling, you let yourself in before closing the door wordlessly.

“Seiji—”

“I’ve been expecting you, (y/n).” You freeze at the sheer coldness of his voice. There he was, back to you as he languidly sat on a chair with a knee propped up. He continues to clink his shogi pieces around the board as if your presence didn’t warrant his full attention. But there was no mistaking that it was, in fact, Akashi. Only he would have his uniform blazer so free of wrinkles and stains.

“Seiji… what’s wrong?” You approach him worryingly, extending your hand to him as you walk closer. But as you reach within hand’s grasp, your gut is screaming for you to stop and turn back, to run far, far away and never look back. You ignore your body. You know you’re just being overly antsy and jumpy from recent overthinking. “You were nowhere to be found at all yesterday, and I just… was so worried—and you didn’t even reply to me at all!”

“Those things are unnecessary. The only thing that matters is victory. Surely you know this, (y/n)?” Your hand freezes and drops to your side. He drops his propped leg from his chair before he turns his head to the side to eye your shocked expression. “Why do you look at me as such?”

“Seijuro,” you whisper. “What’s… what’s gotten into you? What happened at practice that day? Everyone’s been acting weird, and I don’t know why!...”

He moves his gaze back to his shogi pieces and starts toying with the wooden chips. “That day was when I realized that I was absolutely naive and foolish. Order and absoluteness cannot be contested and questioned. The winners can never be denied… That has always been the policy of Teiko’s basketball team. I have realized that in order to accommodate this, I must become absolute and ensure that this team will continue to contribute to its legacy. I am certain the others must have come to this conclusion as well.”

“Seriously, Seijuro,” you plead. “Talk to me, if there’s something troubling you, from basketball to your personal life, I’ll be there for you… so please… please don’t be so cold to me.”

“Me? Akashi Seijuro troubled by such trivial matters? Your assumptions are arrogant but amusing nonetheless.” Akashi stands up from his chair, leaving his shogi pieces unattended on the desk. He slowly strolls to you, his eyes boring holes through you from the unnerving intensity they exuded. You slowly back up instinctively, until your back hits the door. Akashi stops to stand a few feet in front of you, but his eye contact continues to be relentless in intensity. “Though, I must admit, there is one thing I’ve been pondering about, so you are correct that I do have something in mind.”

“W-what is it?...” You don’t know what else to say. What do you say to a stranger who has the physical appearance of your boyfriend? Can someone change that much in just a single day? This Akashi Seijuro… was now only the empty shell of the Seijuro you knew and loved for some time.

“It seems that in my naivete, I had decided to date someone like you, but I wondered what would happen if I told you about all these inevitable changes I will bring to ensure absoluteness. I wonder if you’re even essential in helping future victories come to fruition.”

“What are you trying to say?...” you say, your voice slightly peaking at the end. You wring your hands together in anxiousness as you try to hold back volatile emotions from becoming apparent on your face. Akashi continues to observe you with an impassive poker face. “I don’t… I don’t understand!... I’m the ‘trouble’ that’s on your mind?...”

Your heart feels unbelievably heavy and you’re afraid of the possible reasons why.

“Seijuro,” you start sniffling, cursing your emotional dams for cracking so easily. “You’re always like this, shouldering all the burdens of being president, captain, and top student… you always told me not to worry, yet you always insist on helping me out… could you just… stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not!?” You end your sentence in a frustrated shout, cheeks feeling hotter as you feel more tears sliding down.

Akashi flinches at your words and parts his mouth in mild surprise, but soon enough, he returns to his composed self, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

“It is clear that we are both at an impasse. You do not agree with me, and that is fine. However, you are not necessary in what I need to achieve anyways. Keeping you around will only hold me back.”

“N-no… are you saying that…”

“From now on, we are strangers, (y/n). This is a farewell.”

“S-Seijuro, wait! You can’t just decide for the both of us like that!” You step forward and try to reach for him in desperation, but before you can react, Akashi slaps your hand away and stares down at your pitiful state.

“Do not touch me so casually,” he coldly says. “And do not address me like that ever again. Know your place.” With that, he holds his head high as he promptly exits the room without sparing you a glance, leaving you and his shogi set behind.

“S-S-eiji…” you softly wail. You sink your body into a squat as you struggle to hold back unadulterated tears with your arms. “Wh-why? Why? Why, why, why?...” Every moment, every memory you shared with Akashi within the past year was nullified in just a span of a few minutes. Your life feels shattered right before your eyes as you can feel its fragments slipping through your fingers still, and it hurts. It hurts so badly, and you don’t know how you can face the Generation of Miracles from this point on without breaking into sobs. They all reminded you of him too much. But you knew that if you avoided them, they wouldn’t care too much; after all, you only knew them through Akashi. Now that your connection to him was severed, there was truly no reason to speak with them anymore.

You sniffle and stand up after several more minutes of quiet agony, and you look over to the desk where Akashi’s shogi pieces are. You bite your lip, trying to stop the fresh tears from coming. You give a shuddering exhale before you stretch out your hand, hesitating before you gingerly pluck a piece off the shogi board. If you couldn’t salvage the broken pieces from your relationship, perhaps this piece can be a substitute for all those fragments. Thumbing through the woodwork, you can still feel the remnants of his warmth moments before. At least this way, you still have a piece of him with you, even if you know you can no longer be by his side anymore, much less talk to him.

You debate with yourself to try to confide about this with someone from the Generation of Miracles, but as your eyes spot them, you can’t help but notice the cold and distant gazes they embody, and it only reminds you of what Akashi has become. For the rest of your Teiko years, you dutifully avoid having as many interactions as you can with them, especially when Kuroko inquires about your relationship with Akashi on a few occasions.

The next time you would see Akashi in close proximity is when you decide to come to watch the Winter Cup finals with a classmate friend, who insists you to come watch once they hear that you used to attend Teiko.

When you lay eyes on him again, your heart feels unbelievably heavy once again, even more so with Akashi’s shogi piece sitting in the pocket of your uniform button-up shirt.

[quazartranslates]

Welcome to the Nightmare Game II - CH29

**This is an edited machine translation. For more information, please [click here]**

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Chapter 29: Star Death Reality Show (XII) {cw: brief discussion of menstruation}

This conversation between guys didn't last long. After all, Qi Leren and Du Yue weren’t too familiar with each other, and they wouldn't be as casual as with Dr. Lu. It was almost two o'clock in the middle of the night. It was time for Qi Leren to watch the speaker.

The temperature difference between night and day was not much in the polar region, and the sunshine of the polar day fell on the tundra, quiet and serene. If it weren't for the danger stirring, that was spying on these poor lambs, Qi Leren probably wouldn't be as uneasy as he was now.

When he came to the outside of the church, Qi Leren saw Janet’s bright clothes at a glance. She was breathing on her hands. After a while, she pulled thick gloves on her hands: "This damn weather is really enough to freeze penguins."

—It's cold enough to freeze penguins. Someone had once described a polar environment to Qi Leren like this. When Janet’s words, he couldn’t help but think of that. Qi Leren showed a smile: "There are no penguins here, and we have temperature-control suits. We won’t freeze to death."

"Hey man, this is just an exaggerated metaphor. Can you have a sense of humor?" Janet rolled her eyes at him.

Dr. Lu and Alex came out of the church. Both of them were a little sleepy. They went back to rest after the handover with Janet. Janet walked into the church, sat down on the couch, and chatted with Qi Leren boredly: "You and Lara have a good relationship?"

"Not bad," Qi Leren said perfunctorily.

"Uh-huh, I guess you’re being condescending now," Janet said with a smile.

"You’re not a worm in my stomach." Qi Leren refused to admit it.

"Come on, I still have self-awareness. I never wanted to be likable." Janet shrugged her shoulders and said casually, "Let’s change the subject. What do you think about the disappearances these past few days?"

"...It's hard to say, but I don't think this is a ‘script’. The situation has been somewhat out of control." Qi Leren frowned. "I feel that it’s dangerous. A great danger..."

"Interesting. What kind of danger is it?" Janet asked curiously.

Qi Leren glanced at her. He wasn’t sure what this woman was thinking: "In many ways. Although intelligent life on this planet is extinct, there are still large animals alive, the vegetation is well preserved, the air quality and temperature conditions are suitable for survival, and it may be used as a colony planet or sightseeing planet in the future."

Janet was suddenly taken with him and followed along his topic: "I don't want to come to this hellhole again. Unless some discerning producer invites me to be the heroine and let Lara play the villain, then I may think about it, haha."

"You hate her that much?" Qi Leren was surprised. He thought Lara was easy to get along with.

"It’s the war between women, men wouldn’t understand." Janet spread her hands. "Anyway, I just hate the way she carries herself all the time. She acts like she’s the smartest, most powerful, most understanding in the world. It’s hypocritical, but you men eat this up."

Qi Leren declined to comment.

When Janet saw that he didn't speak, she curled her lips in boredom and found a place to sit down.

It was getting late into the night, Janet complained about the importance of beauty sleep, and absently dozed off. Qi Leren had had enough sleep during the day, so now he was very energetic and wandered around the church. This church should be quite old. If it wasn’t in the polar region, it would have been overwhelmed by lush vegetation and become a green ruin.

Looking out from the church window, Qi Leren could just see He Yi's house in the southwest. He suddenly remembered that He Yi had talked about something. On the first night, he saw...

What did he see? Did someone enter the church? If so, who did he see?

Unless He Yi reappeared, it was impossible for him to know.

This night was calm, Janet slept for a while and woke up after a while. At 7 o'clock, she finally got up. She tidied up her hair and complained: "I have never lived so rough in my life, and I have never desired to before!"

Qi Leren was about to speak when he saw Lara coming with Xue Jiahui from the window, so he asked, "How do you feel?"

Xue Jiahui looked at him in confusion and shook her head: "I still can't remember..."

"It's good that we’re returning to our parent star when the program is over. It should be only temporary," Lara consoled.

When the contestants came one after another, Lara pulled the Qi Leren aside when no one was paying attention and whispered, "When you searched for materials a few days ago, did you find anything like cotton and cloth?"

"Yes, I did. What do you want this for?" Qi Leren wondered.

"I don't want it, it’s Xue Jiahui. I saw that she discarded a cloth in the bathroom with blood on it. I think she probably encountered the same problem as Annie," Lara said.

Qi Leren: "..."

"Even I don't think it’s very good. You may not know this, but this physiological condition can be contagious," Lara said embarrassedly.

Qi Leren felt that, as a man, he didn't really want to know this kind of thing. He was a little concerned that Lara didn't tell others, but instead had taken him aside to borrow necessities. Did he look like a "best friend"?

Probably seeing Qi Leren’s depressed expression, Lara added: "I asked Francis to look after her for a while yesterday and went everywhere to borrow something, but unfortunately none of them had anything."

"Then how did you deal with it?" Qi Leren asked.

Lara gave a complicated look and said, "Xue Jiahui cut up her pillow... The pillowcase was used as a liner."

As the two people whispered, the contestants had already arrived one after another. This time, the atmosphere was more dignified than the previous two times. It even faintly appeared somewhat strange, because this time, what would be announced by the speaker was not the person who had won the Best of the Day, but the person who had knocked out Xue Jiahui and left her in the church. And this man was among them.

Time passed, and at eight o'clock the speaker started. The answer they eagerly wanted to know was given in a mechanical voice: "Now broadcasting the voting results. The winner of the Best of the Day is: Mark."

"Mark?"

"How can it be him?"

"Isn't he missing?"

"It turned out to be him?"

They were all whispering in amazement, but Qi Leren was not too surprised. It had seemed like Mark had gone missing at the beginning, but he wasn’t really missing, he was hiding somewhere... He quietly glanced out of the corner of his eye at Annie who was standing in the shadows, and she was expressionless.

……

……

……

The discussion was still inconclusive, so they had to split up again. Qi Leren was in a faint hurry. Today was the fourth day. If there was no breakthrough, even if he risked being seen through by the audience, he would identify the dangerous creature "amphioctopus", or risk being parasitized or injured. He would forcibly enter Annie's house.

Although Annie's own fighting capacity shouldn’t be strong, Qi Leren strongly suspected that she was already a puppet of the octopus, and he doesn't know anything about the octopus’ fighting capabilities. He didn't have the confidence that he could kill an octopus without using a skill card. Fortunately, after listening to the broadcast results, Annie returned to her house and then left the house again with the axe to go look for materials.

After waiting for the opportunity for such a long time, Qi Leren immediately climbed into Annie's house through the window, focusing on searching for the attic. This time, they had a clear goal and had good luck. In less than ten minutes, Dr. Lu found a dark panel on the second floor ceiling, from which an iron ladder could be pulled down after it was lifted.

Qi Leren looked at the dark attic above his head and was excited. His guess was right. Annie's house did have an attic! Mark and He Yi didn’t disappear, but hid in the attic!

After entering the attic, it was dark inside. Under the illumination of the flashlight, the desks, chairs, and bookshelves here all looked grim. Qi Leren noticed that the attic was also like a laboratory, just like the basement in Jing Siyu’s house.

Dr. Lu also came up, looked around to search, and soon felt that there was something wrong with the floor in the attic. Du Yue came up to help and lifted the floor. It turned out to be a straight, dark passage below, leading underground!

"So the structure is like this," Dr. Lu said, looking at this passage "It's not that there’s a trapdoor on the first floor that’s used to enter the basement, but there’s a passage through the attic, which isn’t connected with the first floor or the second floor, but goes straight to the basement. Um... For example, it’s like an enlarged version of a sewage pipe embedded in the wall."

"Why would they have such a design?" Du Yue asked curiously.

"God knows, I don’t have a clue. Oh, it’s also possible that the owner was a hikikomori and hated to see the sun. His scope of activities was the attic and the basement, so when building the house, he simply made such a passageway," Dr. Lu said.

Although he didn’t hear any movement, Qi Leren was a little worried that someone could be in the basement, so when he grabbed the metal cross section and climbed down the pipe’s ladder rung by rung, his heart beat fast and he was extremely nervous. But after reaching the bottom, he found everything was normal and the basement was empty.

"Wow, what is this? Was there an explosion?" Dr. Lu also climbed down and was surprised to see that there was a pile of messy rubble deep in the basement and a big hole punched out of the wall.

"Do you remember that when we were in Jing Siyu’s basement, there was the sound of an explosion outside? At that time, I thought it was the church or something had collapsed, but now it seems that... It happened here," Qi Leren said thoughtfully.

Du Yue also came over. He was more active. He simply rolled up his sleeves and moved the rocks. However, several huge rocks blocked the hole and couldn’t be removed without tools: "No, I can't move them. Can I explode it again?"

Qi Leren looked at the rocks on the ground that had obviously been manipulated but still blocked their way. He could imagine what Annie and Mark had been busy with these past few days… Hey, but where had Mark gone? They didn't see Mark go in or out of Annie's house all day yesterday. Maybe he was here the whole time, or maybe he was outside the whole time.

There came a squeak sound, the hatch that connected the attic to the basement was lifted. Qi Leren immediately turned off his flashlight, as did Dr. Lu.

Deng, deng, deng, the sound of shoes stepping on the metal rungs came, and Qi Leren felt like his hair was about to fall out. He looked in horror at the metal pipe with its iron ladder. Someone was coming down!

"Did we close the attic door when we entered the pipe?" Qi Leren lowered his voice and asked.

"It was closed, I was the last one, I closed it," Du Yue replied nervously.

"Okay, don't make any noise, stick to the wall, I’ll handle it." Qi Leren said after a pause, guessing that the other party didn't know they were in the basement.

After turning off the flashlights, only pure darkness remained in the basement, almost opaque. Qi Leren closed his eyes, stroked the palm of his right hand with his left hand, and silently counted the sound of the steps on the rungs as he readied himself.

He felt as if he had returned to the sea. The sea water was cold, and the pressure from all directions became stronger and stronger with his dive. He forced himself to slow down his heart, because at this time, panic would only make his oxygen consumption faster and make him closer to death.

Just as Qi Leren constantly adjusted his own state and brought himself closer to his peak level, that person had already reached the bottom. When they were about to step off it, the person fumbled in their trouser pocket and took out a flashlight...

The flashlight’s switch gave a click, and in a moment the light lit up the people hidden in the darkness. It was at this instant that Qi Leren shot out like lightning and kicked their calf! Kicked their face down to the ground!

"Ah!" A woman’s voice let out a painful cry and the flashlight fell to the ground. She wanted to look up and see who it was, but Qi Leren swung his hand down like a knife on the back of her neck! The strength was so great that she passed out instantly!

Looking at Annie, who had collapsed to the ground and passed out, Qi Leren breathed a long sigh of relief. He felt that he had returned to the surface from the bottom of the sea and felt renewed life thrum through him.

Thank you Chen Baiqi, thank you diving training, and thank you three-headed hellhound.

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[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[aprils-arcadia]

Denial

Members: Kihyun, Changkyun, Wonho Genre: Fluff with a good deal of angst Word Count: 4,9k Summary: After your last relationship with Changkyun ended badly you are reluctant to give in to your feelings for your fellow freshman  at college Kihyun. 

“You know denial isn't going to help you.” Hoseok said, stuffing a handful of fries into his mouth. Like every Thursday before you found yourself at the usual cafeteria table with Hoseok.

“But denial and ignorance have been working so well.” You sighed, mindlessly poking your food with a fork. 

Hoseok scoffed. “Ah, is that so?” He pointed at the fries in the middle of the round, run-down table. “That’s why you've been just staring at your food for the last ten minutes. You haven’t even noticed that I've been constantly stealing your fries.” He shook his head in disapproval. “Huh. Seems to work wonders.”

“Don't you sass me now. You know what’s awaiting me once I eat and get up from here.” You slumped back into your chair letting the fork clink against the plastic cafeteria tray. The food wasn't that bad. That much was clear by Hoseok wolfing it down without hesitation but right now you didn't feel like eating.

“Of course I do. That’s why I am trying my best to relentlessly bring up the topic so that you can finally suck it up and stop moping around.” 

“But I don't know how. It's not as easy a decision to make. This isn't pizza vs. burger or gym vs. jogging.” You lifted your hands unethusicastically gesturing to your left and to your right, your eyes still transfixed on a rather nasty greyish spot on the ceiling. “It's… it's so much more difficult.” 

“You'll have to face this sooner or later and by now you should know that sooner is the right way to go. You can't just hide out like this forever. And you can't try to deny that this is eating away at you, just like I am currently eating away all your fries, which for the record you still haven't stopped me from doing. If you aren't even possessive of your food anymore, who are you even?”

“Haha. Very funny." You leaned forward again, picking up a solitary fry that Hoseok had dropped onto the tray. "But seriously what should I do? Do you have any ideas?” 

“Do you really want my advice? Like straight up blunt me telling you what I'm thinking?” 

“Yeah, sure. Always.”

“You’ve told me quite a lot about that Changkyun guy by now and I can’t say I like him.” Hoseok’s tone of voice had turned serious and you could see that the casual mischievous air around him had vanished. “But apart from all that, if you would really still love him I don’t think you would have fallen for Kihyun.” 

Silence.

He might be right. But on the other hand it's not like you could erase all the history you had with Changkyun either. 

He had been your first real relationship, your first love. You had been so convinced that you two would live the happily-ever-after, the cliche “they meet in school and look at them still going strong”-movie stereotype, overcoming hardships together only to grow stronger as a couple. 

But reality wasn't like this. Instead your Romeo and Juliet story turned into the annoying “on/off”, “are they/aren't they” cliche. You hadn’t heard from him or seen him and after the last fight you had, it's not like you could blame him but all that logic and rationality didn’t stop you from still loving that asshole no matter how many times your heart had been broken courtesy of him. And you still couldn't fight the feeling that even remotely thinking about Kihyun was cheating. That you were betraying the trust and the man you loved. 

“When was the last time you spoke to that guy anyway?”

“6 months ago,” you admitted under your breath.

“6 months ago? I mean come on. You need to move on from this. That's just not healthy.” 

You knew that Hoseok was right. It wasn't like you expected that Changkyun would come back to you, to show up at your dorm and begged you to take him back. That wasn't his style. Him calling you up at night and you hopelessly agreeing to meet with him was a thousand times more likely. Pathetic, you knew. But still. 

"So why not see how things could go with Kihyun? He seems like a nice guy even though he might be a bit of a smartass at least from what I can tell.” Hoseok shrugged his shoulders. 

"Oh I don't know it's not like I haven't thought about trying my luck with him and seeing where things would go. But I'm just feeling so guilty,” you said, reluctantly dipping your fry into the nearly empty ketchup.

“Yeah otherwise we wouldn't have to have this conversation almost every two days right before your two most beloved courses.” 

This was both unbelievably true and painfully sarcastic. The two intro classes Hoseok talked about were indeed your favorite classes and finally gave you the feeling of having made the right choice in coming here. On the other hand they were also the ones where a certain someone was sitting next to you since the first week.

*

You had met Kihyun right after college started. You had just moved here a few days ago and the break up with Changkyun was still fresh, having happened only two weeks ago. But once you entered the college grounds you swore to leave that behind you. To leave it in the past and in the city you had left to come here. Which right at this moment did not seem to work out so well, you had to admit.

You were convinced, even if it was a bit naive, that this whole experience would change your life and that this is the perfect new start to get away from it all. Unfortunately this included your meticulous sleep schedule. Ever since the fallout with Changkyun you weren't able to really sleep. You spend the night scrolling through social media or God forbid your phone's gallery. 

This wasn't helpful and you knew it. 

The night before your first college day you had felt so utterly lonely that you couldn't help yourself. You deeply regretted having left and how things turned out with Changkyun. This wasn't how you wanted it to go but you also didn't know what would have been your ideal outcome. It was obvious that you and Changkyun had an expiration date. Hell, you have had so many of them in the past it was a wonder that you even made it this far. But somehow you always ended up with each other.

The topic of college had been looming over the two of you ever since your senior year of high school. He didn’t like the idea of you going to a different city and the thought of staying in the town you grew up in nauseated you. Your local community college had nothing to offer with all possible studies boring the hell out of you. You wanted change and a challenge and something that interested you. Changkyun never seemed to understand that. For him, you applying for other colleges felt like betrayal, that you were planning on leaving him, going somewhere where he didn’t know what you were up to, where he couldn't control who you hung out with. 

So once the acceptance letters started to roll in the two of you fought on an almost daily basis. Somehow you had found the courage to tell him that you wanted to go to your current college and that you applied for a dorm room. He had just scoffed at that and told you that you wouldn't have the balls to leave anyway. That your little pampered, desperate self would not turn on him and leave. Two weeks ago you had finally gotten the approval for the dorm room. When you talked to Changkyun about trying to make this work long distance he completely flipped. You’ve had fights in the past, countless ones and he had broken up with you multiple times as well, but this was different. 

This time it felt final. Irreversible.

He had left you a sobbing mess on the steps of your home, driving away way too fast in his car and skidding around the corner. You knew that he wouldn't come back. You knew that you wouldn't get the call. The call that he was sorry, the call that would make everything right again. You knew this wasn’t coming. But still you couldn’t comprehend that this was supposed to be the end. The real end.

You had sat on those steps for hours until your mother had finally come home and tried her best to get you inside. The rest of the day you spend asleep. Completely weak and dehydrated you fell into an uncomfortable sleep, only to wake up with tears still streaming down your face. You spend the week before leaving for college in a haze. 

This wasn’t your usual coping mechanism.

You had stopped listening to music. This time around you didn’t drown your tears in Death Cab songs and ice cream wanting to be comforted by your friend and family. Instead you completely isolated yourself. You only ate when you were forced to and sleep didn’t come easy. Most nights you’d stared up at your bedroom’s ceiling, your mind completely empty but your body not letting you rest. It had felt like a part of you was missing that he literally had ripped out your beating heart where he stood. After a week you were only a shadow of yourself. You had packed for college with the help of your friend and moved into your dorm room. Sleep was still a rare commodity but you tried your best to start being hopeful about the future. You couldn't mope around forever and you shouldn’t let him ruin your first week of college. 

But here you laid, not being able to sleep. The dorm room was dark and empty, the shadows from the trees outside dancing on the walls. Instead of trying to close your eyes you had grabbed your phone, the bright light of the screen hurting your eyes in the beginning. Looking at the pictures on your phone didn't make your feeling of crushing loneliness any better. On the contrary. It hurt. It hurt like hell. Knowing that the man you loved so much was done with you. Over you. Living life without you, like you never happend. 

Luckily your roommate hadn’t moved in yet so no one was able to hear you sniffle and ultimately cry yourself to sleep at 4 a.m. 

The next day you woke up to the loud noise from the hallway having ignored your alarm clock twice. Now you only had 15 minutes left to get dressed and rush to the lecture hall. One quick look in the mirror confirmed what you had dreaded all along. You looked like sh*t. You had wanted to start college bright-eyed and optimistic but those were not the kind of bright eyes you were looking for. You had no chance of wearing your contacts like this. Awesome. The cute first day of college outfit you had laid out the night before stared at you almost in disappointment and you grumpily grabbed your black-rimmed glasses out of the drawer and quickly put your hair up in a messy bun, brushing this bird’s nest of hair would have been a waste of time. 

You rushed out of your dorm and onto the quad. Fortunately you already checked the way yesterday so instead of being completely lost you were able to just sprint across campus at full speed. Even though you earned a few “heys” and even one “Run, Forrest, run” you were able to make it in time. You hurried inside and tried to catch your breath as good as possible. Most of the seats were taken, everyone shows up for the first one, you thought.

You had found an empty seat in the back of the lecture hall and sat down as unnoticeable as you could. The young man next to you gave you a quick smile and a nod and then focussed back onto his notebook again. You pulled out your own notebook and the lecture began with your professor introducing himself and outlining the following semester before diving straight into the basic concepts that will be needed for the rest of the course.

You tried your hardest to focus but your mind tended to wander back to what you gave up to be here, if giving up was even the right word, and how your finger had hovered over Changkyun’s number time and time again the night before. You choked back the uncomfortable feeling that was forming in the back of your throat. You needed to concentrate. You brushed your thoughts aside as best as you could and focused on the blackboard. 

Nothing. You couldn't make out a single word. Great. If you couldn’t even copy the blackboard you may as well just leave. You squinted at the blackboard in an attempt to decipher the words as your professor was writing them. What he's talking about should give you some clues but still the smudges remained. If you could have just worn your contacts then this wouldn't have happened but no, you petty excuse for a human being had to cry yourself to sleep and were now forced to run around like a mole with those humongous glasses of yours that let's be fair here, didn't do sh*t. 

You sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of your nose. All the squinting has achieved was give you a mild headache and your notepad was still as blank as it could be apart from you writing the course name at the top. Just as you were starting to lean back in your chair and resigned to just listening, an unfamiliar notebook appeared at your side, nudging your arm. 

"You can copy mine, if you'd like. That prof’s handwriting is like trying to read hieroglyphs."

You looked to your left and saw the guy next to you slide his notebook across.

"Oh and I took the liberty of correcting all his typos. You can be lucky that you don't have to deal with those cringe-worthy mistakes." 

You chuckled slightly. It’s been days since you even smiled about anything, having forced all of them since the break-up. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.” 

"No worries," the young man whispered. “I’m Kihyun by the way”

“Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you Y/N,” he said and smiled brightly. 

His profile and jawline were sharp and he dressed unbelievably well. The sleeves of his button-down were rolled up to his elbows and his dark brown hair had a slight undercut. He was attractive to say the least. How could you not have noticed this when you first sat down. Ah yeah, you probably were feeling way too sorry for yourself at that time. 

You quickly copied the notes and gave it back to him. 

“Thanks again, I owe you one.”

"Nah. You're very welcome. But if you insist a coffee would be more than sufficient." 

The next week you had finally been able to wear your contacts again. Thursday evening you had met the lovable idiot that was Hoseok. He’d spend the majority of the weekend listening to you cry your eyes out in the dorm common room. It was so easy to open up to him and maybe just maybe this was exactly what you needed. Someone who didn’t know the whole story who was completely impartial to hear your side of things. Talking to him made your shoulders a little lighter and he had made it his mission to make you feel better, to make you feel welcome and comfortable. He tried his best to get some nutritious food in you and forced you to join his Sunday morning jog. 

The next day with your legs almost numb and a chipper, way too awake Hoseok by your side you arrived at the nearby coffee shop. It was a tiny cafe that was frequented mostly by the students and therefore it was usually packed at this time of day. Hoseok looked around the shop anxiously until his eyes met the ones of the guy sitting at the corner table. 

“I gotta go. I don’t wanna keep Hyungwon waiting.” 

“Hot date?” you said, eyeing the tall young man that was smiling sleepily at Hoseok and waved.  

“Hell yes,” he replied and hurried off towards the other corner of the cafe. You took your two coffees from the counter and headed towards the lecture hall. Once you arrived you let your gaze wander through the rows until you spotted the only familiar face in the room. 

“Good morning,” you said as you sat down and placed the cup of iced americano in front of Kihyun. “As promised.” 

“Oh hey, thank you. I was wondering if you might have forgotten about me since you ignored me on Thursday.”

“Thursday? Where?” You fidgeted in your brain to try and remember where you could have seen him, but last week you were running on autopilot most of the time, without ever really registering your surroundings. 

“Oh so you really didn’t even notice me. I was sitting like three people over in intro to media theory.”

“Oh no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I was spacing out a lot last week. I’m really sorry.” 

“Well at least I know you didn’t forget me,” he said, taking the cup and nudged it against your own. ”Thanks again. That should help us not fall asleep.” 

“I do hope so,” you said smiling as you started to sip your coffee. 

“It doesn’t seem like you’ll need my perfectly-taken notes this time around,” Kihyun added, gesturing towards your non-existent glasses. “I gotta admit though I kinda miss the glasses.” You laughed shyly. “They looked cute on you.” Kihyun turned towards the blackboard as your professor started to speak up. “But I’m glad you look a little healthier this week,” he said mostly to himself but you were just able to catch it. 

*

After unenthusiastically eating the remaining fries on your plate you got up, to make your way to your next course. 

“So have you made up your mind?” Hoseok said leaning against a nearby wall, waiting for you.

“Of course I haven’t,” you said as you let the wrappers slide off your tray and into the trash can. “And he probably isn’t that interested in me anyway.”

“Excuse me? Do you remember that one time he asked you out and you straight up invited me along?” Hoseok rolled his eyes at you. “Yeah sure, he isn’t interested in you. And also to get back to our earlier discussion if that wasn't denial I don't know what was.”

“That wasn't denial. I literally didn't get it." You tried to look and sound as convincing as you could but Hoseok probably already saw through that. "And seriously ‘hang out’ is just not the language I associate with asking out," you added defensively.

“Oh come on. You were just scared out of your wits and panicked. Don't you try and wiggle your way out of this now,” he said, putting a hand on your shoulder guiding your way out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. 

“Not fair and do you have any idea how long ago I went on a date last. Like a real asking out, whole shabang, first date?” You brushed off his hand from your shoulder and looked at him in all seriousness. 

"No idea, but I’m gonna presume it was AGES ago" Hoseok answered dramatically.

"Correct. I had like one first date in my life and that was Changkyun." You didn't like to admit this but it was the truth. He was your first, your first for basically everything.

“Are you sure you just didn't realize the other ones were dates"

“Stop it for God's sake. Shouldn't I know that?”

“Not if you were as dense then as you are now.” Hoseok winked at you and slid into the classroom to your right. “See you later.”

“Smartass,” you added quickly and stuck out your tongue. Unfazed by your childish action Hoseok blew you a kiss through the closing door. 

“He’s such an idiot.” He was a pain in the ass but you were thankful for Hoseok. He always found a way to cheer you up but was also by your side with advice and an open ear, everytime you needed him. You walked to your own lecture hall with timid steps, lost in thought. 

It’s been six months since you’ve last heard from Changkyun. 

No texts, no calls, no updates on social media. 

In fact you couldn’t even see his posts anymore, maybe he straight up blocked you. He probably was happy without you and better off. And you really had to face the fact that you yourself were happy here as well. That your life might not have turned out the picture perfect way you wanted it to be but you had found friends that supported and loved you and you were enjoying your studies tremendously. The only thing that was in the way was that damned guilty consciousness of yours and the nostalgia of a past albeit failed relationship.

 Changkyun wasn’t coming back and even if he was you shouldn’t fall for it because time and time again you should have been taught that this relationship was going nowhere. You were like oil and water, you could force them to be together for a while but slowly they would drift apart again. You guys weren’t made for each other and every other fight had proven that. He was overly jealous and you were too timid to really speak your mind. He was your first relationship, the one you wanted to treasure for the rest of your life but as Hoseok said it just wasn’t healthy. Not in the slightest. 

Going to college might have been the fallout you two needed to start living a life not dependent on each other, to be able to move on and to find your own happiness and a relationship where you were an equal and where you wouldn’t have to fear for your relationship every time you went out with friends. Changkyun was probably over you already anyway, it never took him long to prove to you that he didn't need you. 

So why, why on earth were you still limiting yourself. 

Why were you still in any way being considerate to this ass. The ass that made out with your friend in front of you just to prove a point. The ass that left you standing in the rain after a fight having to walk home for an hour. The ass that never treated you right. You lifted your head and straightened your back. He wasn’t worth it and more importantly you were worth so much more.  

Once you stepped out onto the quad and towards the lecture hall you felt a gentle touch on your back. 

“Hey, Y/N.” The soft voice unmistakably belonged to Kihyun. “Glad I caught up with you before the lecture began.” 

He couldn't have picked a better time. Right when all your thoughts were jumbled and you were trying to untie it even slightly, he shows up. Right on time to throw all your progress overboard. Right on time to make you question everything you thought you had figured out. 

“Hey Kihyun, ready for the lecture?” you replied as unfazed as you could muster.

“Please, when am I not.” 

You laughed. Hoseok was right, he could be quite the smartass. 

“But that’s not why I tried to catch up with you.” 

“Okay…” 

“Can we talk for a second?” He stopped walking and now stood before you. 

“Yeah sure, what’s up?” Now you were straight up scared. ‘Can we talk’ never was a good thing. Your stomach twisted and you felt the nervousness slowly rise inside of you.  

“I talked to Hoseok the other day and I think this might be the best idea.” So many questions rushed through your head. Kihyun talked to Hoseok? They were close? You had only seen them together like once apart from the times you forced those two together. Hoseok couldn’t have possibly snitched on you, right?  

“I just thought that he might help me out or give me some advice since you two seemed to be very close.”

“Okay…” This could only go wrong. Definitely only go wrong. “What did he tell you?” 

“To be honest he just told me to man up and suck it up.” Kihyun laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. His light brown hair refracted the light and some strands glowed golden in the early spring sun. 

“That does sound like him.” You smiled and noticed that Kihyun had started to avoid eye contact which was something he never seemed to have a problem with. Instead his eyes were all over the place, continuously wandering from your eyes downwards to then dart into a completely different direction. 

You had probably never seen him so flustered and it made you uneasy. Over time you had gotten so used to Kihyun’s normal overconfidence but now he seemed self-conscious and even a bit vulnerable.  

“It seems like nothing has really worked so far. So I feel like if I’m not gonna make it very simple you would brush over it again and just bring me coffee to class instead of going with me to the cafe I had in mind. Or bring Hoseok along with you to the mall.” He chuckled a bit and you were terrified of what he would say next. 

He took a deep breath. 

“I like you Y/N.”

There it was. Out in the open. Something you had tried to deny for longer than you should be comfortable with. There you had your answer. And now there was no way you could ignore it. He was able to muster the courage to tell you and you were always trying your best not wanting to face this possibility. 

Kihyun finally found your eyes again and you tried your best to not have your face be an open book, telling him every little detail that was going through your mind. The war inside your head, the shouting, the panic and the overall chaos of you trying to decide what to do. 

Again he averted his look but this time you finally realized where his eyes were trailing off to as yours started to do the same. His lips were parted slightly and ever so slowly you felt the distance between the two of you closing, right now you weren’t in control anymore as your body felt to be moving on it’s own until his face was only inches away from your own. 

Right before you closed yours you took one look into his stunning dark brown eyes, and the different shades of brown that were mixed in there, invisible unless you stared directly into them. 

He kissed you softly and finally, finally in forever your mind was quiet. 

No guilt, no anxiety, just the warm feeling of joy spreading through your body. 

He placed his hand tentatively on your cheek and your heart skipped more than just one beat. The soft touch of his lips and the warmth of his hand left you completely helpless. You wanted this moment to last forever, to not let go, but instead Kihyun pulled away from you. His face was slightly blushed and you could still feel his lips faintly on yours. His hand lingered on your cheek and his thumb continued to caress your cheek bone gently. He looked at you for a while, taking in what had just happened, before he spoke up again.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“I think you already have your answer,” you said and grabbed his collar drawing him in into another kiss, this time less timid than the one before. 

Who you loved, you weren’t sure. But you didn’t have to be. Whatever part of your brain told you that you would have to decide right then and there if you loved Kihyun and if you really didn’t have any feelings left for Changkyun could just shut the hell up. You were so focussed on this question that you completely forgot how life really works. He didn’t say “I love you” simply because he couldn’t even know that yet. So why did you expect from yourself to be able to answer it already. Yes, part of you still loved Changkyun and would probably do so till the day that you die but that couldn’t stop you from liking Kihyun, from wanting to know more about him, from waiting to spend more time with him, from wanting to find out where this could lead you. 

So no, you didn’t know who you loved but you’d find out, in your own time, at your own pace.

[ais-n]

hello!! i just spent the past month or so reading all the icos books, scrolling through your account, and reading the notes you posted about the sequel on patreon. i’m absolutely amazed by this series and these characters, i don’t have words for how good of a time i had delving into this story. i started off loving hsin immediately and although it took me some time to warm up to boyd, he ended up being one of my absolute favorite characters that i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. i really think boyd and hsin and their story, along with the stories of all the other amazing characters associated with them, will stick with me for a long time. anyway sorry for the long message, but i just wanted to express my gratitude for these books—they helped me out a lot mentally after everything post-2020 haha. i did have a sort of question though!! how did boyd deal with the loss of one of his eyes? did he train with hsin to help adapt? how did he deal with the insecurities and frustrations that came with that loss?

Just in case - **ICOS SPOILERS / FADE SPOILERS** :)

Hi! Aww that's awesome! I'm so happy you enjoyed the series :) And that you were able to find all the content on it right away too. It's also really cool how things shifted for you over the course of the series - because that means it did its job with showing character progression :) I mean, not that it matters if people end up liking all the characters or not - but if you start feeling one way and end another, that's awesome because it means there was character development that resonated with you in anyone and that's one of my favorite things when I'M reading a book, so it's one of my favorite things for if anyone ever reads anything I'm involved in writing. So that made me really happy to hear, thank you <3

I'm gonna put my answer behind a cut just in case for spoilers :) Hopefully this thing doesn't disallow you from clicking the Read More link which once in awhile tumblr does.

Spoilers behind cut :D

Regarding his eye, it was obviously in many ways pretty life-changing for him. Even though Boyd and Hsin by that point were much better about communicating, and Boyd would want to lean on Hsin whenever needed, although I haven't written out anything from those time periods (so it may change when/if I actually do, as sometimes the characters do things I'm not expecting) -- I have a feeling Boyd tried to kind of hide as much of the downside as he could from Hsin. Not because he didn't trust Hsin - he did, unequivocally - but rather because Hsin had seemed so regretful and seemed to have guilt/worry when Boyd first woke up and learned he lost his eye. He didn't want Hsin blaming himself for it, and if Hsin saw it upsetting him too much he would have probably worried about how Hsin felt.

It did take him time to figure out some things - his depth perception was fucked, and he couldn't fight quite the way he initially had learned because of that, along with other things. He would have let Hsin see him relearning things when necessary because that's inevitable, but he would have tried to play off anything much deeper if possible. He would have wanted to see if he could handle things on his own first (in typical Boyd style) just so he could spare Hsin extra stress. He felt like Hsin had already lost so much; it didn't feel fair to pile anything further on him.

So Hsin would have helped with some stuff when needed, and obviously I'm sure they talked about things as needed too. It's not like the topic was taboo or Boyd was super sensitive to it. As much as it sucked, it was also just a thing he had to accept. So in some ways, he kind of just rolled with it the way he'd had to learn to roll with so much else in his life.

Where it really was most frustrating and upsetting for him was the way it affected his ability to work. Even though he felt and was fully capable of many things, certain jobs just would not hire someone with one eye, period. Their rules didn't allow it, or they just chose not to, or so on. Because they had to stay on the downlow, he already had limited options in the first place, and that made it worse. Then on top of that, having an eyepatch made him more memorable. Once he eventually got his glass eye, it helped a bit with that, but he'd always had an unusual eye color so without contacts and different hair color and all that, if someone were looking for him they could still potentially track him down. Hsin was also incredibly memorable so it was a worry for him as well. Especially when you put those two together.

I don't think we ever talked about it but in my personal opinion, I would guess that they probably talked about their plans for the different cities/countries they were in, whether one or both of them would stand out more, what sorts of income they could get, what sorts of things they could do, what sort of places they could live incognito, and so on.

I have always had in my mind that there was a period of time especially early on when Boyd was still healing and getting used to things, where he (as usual) tried to push himself a little too far a little too fast but Hsin stopped him because he knew how Boyd is and he knew if he was firm, Boyd would actually listen.

So for a time, Hsin was the main person going out to do things, get money, etc. There were hours Boyd would be alone wherever they were staying, and during that time all those doubts and frustrations and anger and insecurity and fear would come in. For awhile, I think he probably even drank when he was alone. Never to an addictive level or anything; just the actions of a man who felt depressed.

I'm sure some of his demons leapt on that--telling him shit like he wasn't ever going to have more worth than he did when he was used by Cyclone, or the Agency - shit like, maybe you're never going to be anything more than a valentine/whore for money in the future anyway. If people won't see you as anything other than the parts of you, and now the parts of you that are missing more than the parts that are there, maybe it's useless to think there's anything more of value in your life. That sort of negative thought process that you know isn't true but still buries its tendrils deep inside and twists.

The thing is, Boyd never really had much to call his own his whole life that people didn't attribute to others around him - one of the only things he had was his art. And losing an eye didn't make it impossible to do art, but in that beginning stage, it just felt extra awful to have lost something so integral to the one thing he had that was his alone, that hadn't been used and abused and destroyed by other powers in his life - it felt like maybe that just went to show he didn't have value other than what others assigned to him. Which is how the valentine stuff probably came to mind - through a bit of depression and also practicality, because he knew he could make money doing that if they needed it, even though it was the absolute last thing in his life he would ever want to do. But then the guilt would come in about not being able to do enough on his own, not pulling his weight, etc etc, and then the fear associated with all of these topics, and that's how the depression would have slid in and spiraled him down.

I always imagined that Hsin recognized how depressed Boyd was, even though Boyd tried to hide it, and eventually they would have had some sort of conversation about it all.

In my mind, somehow through that and any following conversations or actions or etc, Hsin was able to remind Boyd of all the things he could do still, rather than focusing on the things he couldn't. He would have reminded him that it was bullshit to think he had no value, and as for getting denied different jobs, it didn't matter - they were in this together, they'd figure it out together. He would have been able to remind Boyd to stop taking all the shit on himself and share the burden. And that Hsin didn't give a shit about any of that stuff - Hsin saw Boyd for who he was, and he loved him for that, and nothing would ever change that. Boyd would have probably told Hsin at that point he was afraid of Hsin blaming himself when it never had been his blame to begin with, and he never wanted to hurt Hsin, and etc. I imagine he told him that, but am not sure.

Either way, it would have reignited Boyd's stubborn streak and determination, and he would have been reminded of how much they could do together as a team. And how much they loved each other. And fuck the world, who cared what other people thought? He could do whatever the hell he wanted. He'd figure it out. He always had.

From then, he would have started working on things again - figuring out ways to fight that relied more on touch so his blind spot and depth perception were less of an issue (Hsin would have helped a lot with this), and he would have started painting and drawing again. It went from his offtime from Hsin being something dark and depressing to something largely productive. Obviously everyone still has bad days, but at least he was generally on the up. And they did eventually figure out jobs he could work too, or things he could do, so he wasn't just spending all his time alone when Hsin wasn't around. And so Hsin didn't have to have any pressure on him to do things alone.

I don't remember if I ever answered this question before and if I did, it's possible my answer was a little different. I often think about parts we didn't write down and I feel like I have an idea of how it would go, but until I actually write something down I never know for sure. We never planned for Afterimage, for example - but when we went to write past Evenfall, it became clear that was a thing that was going to happen, and so it did, and then things from that affected other things into Interludes, Fade, 1/27, etc.

So it's possible if ever any of these time periods are written down that maybe my view of what I think would happen ends up being completely incorrect or off. But right now, generally speaking, I imagine it went something like this.

Sorry for the long rambly reply!

[s-k-y-w-a-l-k-e-r]

My GIF making process!

I’ve been asked many times for a tutorial, but because I get really detailed, I always get overwhelmed by the idea. But I finally decided to buckle down! 

Just so you know: I don’t use PSDs in this, and I don’t import layers to frames or anything like that. I like the hard way—at least in gif making, I believe you get higher quality gifs. Join me as I show you how to make gifs by loading videos directly into the Photoshop timeline and my coloring and sharpening techniques.

Tools used:

Mac OS X (only necessary for the first step, and there are other ways around it with a PC)

Adobe Photoshop

YouTube Purchases (any streaming service will work)

Topics covered:

Obtaining the Source Material

Loading the video file into Photoshop

Prepping, Cropping, and Resizing the Media

Adjustment Layers

Sharpening

Exporting

Obtaining the Source Material

There are a few different methods for obtaining video to work with. Proper YouTube videos are nice, but finding any major motion picture in that format is difficult, if not illegal.

Once I realized I could get really great quality video by doing screen recordings from streaming services, I stopped worrying about finding (and pirating) high resolution video files. So now, I just go to whichever streaming service I need to, pick out the movie or show, find the spot, and record small snippets.

Mac screen recording instructions:

On a Mac, Command+Shift+5 will bring up the screen recording dialogue. 

Resize the frame of what you want to record within the browser. 

Go to a second or two before, press the “record” button, and then begin playing the video, remembering to keep your cursor out of the recording box. 

Use the Space bar to pause your video when you’ve gotten the snippet you need. Stop the screen recording by clicking the ⏹ button that is in your menu bar at the top of the screen.

Important: when the recording appears in the bottom right of your screen, click on it, and then trim the video on either end. This will help your computer convert the video file to the type that can be opened by Photoshop.

Click “done” and it will appear on your desktop, ready to be used!

PC Users: ??? Here’s a Google search I did for you

 Loading the video file into Photoshop

Lots of people use this process for making gifs (a great tutorial!). I didn’t even know it existed until last summer, when I’d already been giffing for years. I wish I could still do something like that with these screen recordings, but the files are absolutely HUGE, especially on Macs with double retina displays, which actually increase the dpi by a lot. Making screencaps of them fills up my hard drive, almost immediately—even when I’ve got 20 gigs of free space to work with. So what do we do? We just. Open the file. In Photoshop. Et voila!

You can do this with any type of video, not just screen recordings.

 Prepping, Cropping, and Resizing the Media

When Photoshop loads your videos up, it makes the video hilariously fast (something about frame conversion). You must slow it down for it to look natural. THIS MUST BE DONE BEFORE YOU RESZE. Your Photoshop timeline window should be at the bottom of the screen. See that little triangle in the top right of the video? 

Click on it, and a menu will appear to change speed and duration.

Change the speed first- usually between 80-85% will seem realistic. (I actually went a little faster than I usually would on this at almost 86%—I don’t recommend this)

Press the button next to duration and pull the toggle all the way to the far right (if you don’t do this, full length of the video will be cut off).

Now you’ll want to crop it. Ever since Tumblr upped its GIF size limit, I have been playing around with 7:5 ratios, but let’s go with 3:2 for now. Use the Crop tool, pick out 3:2 in the top left (it may say 2:3, but you can switch that) and then find the most suitable spot in your gif for that. Hit enter on your keyboard.

Some things to keep in mind when cropping:

Most videos come in 16:9 ratio (BoRhap is even wider). If it’s a wide shot, you’ll need to do the full 16:9 to not lose anything. Of course, experiment and find what’s right for you!

As you can see above, I moved forward in the timeline and made the crop to a point in the video when the broadest movement was happening.

Certain videos WILL have a black or red bar that may be imperceptible until you’ve already exported the gif. Just crop in a little tighter on top and bottom to avoid them.

Now you’ll need to resize your gif to be the correct size for Tumblr. If you don’t use Tumblr’s exact dimensions, your gifs (as uploaded) will appear blurry or pixellated. We’re doing a full-width gif here, which is 540px. On a Mac, I use Command+Option+I (for “Image Size) to open the resize dialogue. You can also find it under Image->Image size...

Make sure to also have “Resample” checked. Lately I’ve been playing around to see if different options are better. Most GIF makers use “Bicubic Sharper (Reduction)” and they are not wrong to do so. I’ve just been unhappy with it lately, so I have been trying this other setting out, “Bicubic (smooth gradients)”.

Click OK. A dialogue may come up that asks if you want to convert to a Smart Object. The answer is yes, okay, do it. The only major caveat is that you can’t go back and change the timeline speed. That’s why we did it first. But you can preview the speed now that it’s smaller, and if you don’t like it, use Command+Z (or “Undo”) and go back a couple steps to get the speed you like.

You may find, especially on a Mac screen (and possibly other displays), that at 100% your gif looks too small to be 540px. That is the curse and blessing of working with super-high resolution hardware. Zoom in to 200% and proceed about your business. This is what it will look like on Tumblr.

You may find it helpful at this point to begin by defining the beginning and end of your gif by moving around these bumpers. It’s safe to keep gifs under 02:00f in length. Under half of 01:00f will be way too short. (I tend to overshoot in length and then trim the beginning and the end once I see how big the gifs are upon exporting.)

 Adjustment Layers

Now the creativity and fun begin!

There are a LOT of ways to get creative here. I’m going to keep it simple, very simple, but I strongly recommend opening up a new adjustment layer of each type and trying to figure out what each does!

You’ll find the adjustment layer menu at the bottom of the Layers window.

Curves

There are a lot of ways to make Curves work for you! It can do the job of Brightness/Contrast, it can do Levels, it can do Color Balance! We’re going to use it mainly to help with brightness here, but also to level out some of the tones. One of the quick tricks you can do is use the droppers on the left side of the Properties window. There are three- one with a white tip, one gray, one black. These can help define what your white tones are (and whether they need to be more of one color or another), and so on with your blacks. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t; in this case, I think it doesn’t:

That looks totally blown out and somehow also too dark!

So instead, we’re going to use that little hand with the finger pointing out and some arrows pointing up and down. This lets you define which sections you want to get brighter or darker, and how much. It doesn’t do color correction. In the example below, you can see I dragged up on a white spot and down on a dark spot. Then, I moved points around on the curve itself to refine (which the gif here doesn’t show...).

Vibrance/Saturation x2

Next, I’ve been using @gwil-lee​‘s Vibrance/Saturation trick (I know you said you learned it from someone else, but I learned it from you!). 

Create a Vibrance Adjustment layer, bump the values up a bunch, and then change its Fill to somewhere between 2-9%. Change the Blend Mode to Color Burn. Then make a copy of that layer keeping everything the same, but make it Color Dodge. I can’t quite define what these do, but it makes it punchier!

Color Balance

Most people are familiar with this. For this gif, I’m going to make the shadows more Cyan/Blue and the highlights more Red/Yellow. Just a few points each. 

Exposure

I brought the Exposure up a bit, but not enough for you to need to read about, haha.

Selective Color

Here’s where you make fine adjustments to colors. This particular scene is extremely simple, color-wise, so keep it simple. I’m going to bump up the cyans/blues, take up the black by just a point or two, and maybe bump up the yellows and reds a tiny bit. (And as always, remember, the “opposite” of cyan is red, the opposite of magenta is green, and the opposite of yellow is blue. CMY/RGB!)

I think at this point I’m going to call it with the adjustment layers. You can go absolutely hogwild with more of them! But at this point, I’m ready to start sharpening!

 Sharpening

I do three sharpening filters these days. These are all under Filter->Sharpen. Make sure your media layer (default called Layer 1) is selected as we go through this! (Also, this can really take a toll on your processor, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Sharpen- This layer does the basic job

Smart Sharpen (Amount: 10%, Radius: 10, Reduce Noise: 4% Gaussian Blur)- This layer gives texture

Smart Sharpen (Amount: 500, Radius: 0.3, Reduce Noise: 12% Gaussian Blur)- This layer gives refined sharpening and smoothing

Fiddle with these as needed! Let your gif play all the way through- this may go slowly as your processor works on it. Make sure the beginning and end points make sense.

 Exporting

After You’re going to have to use File->Export->Save For Web (Legacy)... or use the shortcut of Shift+Option+Command+S. This could take some time for the dialogue to pop up! Be patient.

In my opinion, these are the best gif export settings for crisp edges and no noise:

Now you see how big the file is in the bottom left. Tumblr won’t let you upload anything bigger than 10MB and it’s safer to stay under 9MB, in my experience. When your gif is too big, you have a couple options. You can close the dialogue and change the length of your gif. 

OR, you can uncheck “Interlaced” and bump up the lossy to 1 or or more. This will create noise. Sometimes, that’s a good thing!

Here’s without lossy:

Here’s WITH lossy: (Honestly in a fast moving gif like this, it’s almost imperceptible, but I can see it!)

And now that I’ve exported, I can see what there’s a little black line on the bottom! So I’m going to trim that off and call it good! You can see the full gifset here.

Hope you enjoyed! Reblog if you try this out or learned anything. Feel free to reach out with questions any time!

[rametarin]

Maternal narcissistic abuse involves wasting your attention.

I am convinced that one of the reasons for the epidemic of children diagnosed with ADHD conditions is partly because there’s a phenomenon that resembles ADHD but is in fact something entirely different, distinct and separate.

I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but I contest the conclusion. The schools wanted me medicated for ADD. My family protested. And looking back, I sincerely didn’t have ADD.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted because of the way women are allowed to abuse their children, so long as they don’t leave marks.

It’s a subtle form of abuse, but it is abuse. And the results and what it does to a child is similar to actually having ADD/ADHD.

How it works is you exhaust them. You disguise the abuse as boilerplate parental engagement and then just annoy the shit out of them with social convention until they want to disengage from conversing with you.

Then you punish or threaten them for “rudeness”, and that becomes the precursor for holding a grudge. It may manifest later on as a no instead of a yes when they ask permission for something. It may manifest as exacerbating a punishment’s severity or length if the child does anything wrong. It may manifest as deprivation of a privilege they usually enjoy just out of spite. Or, it may result in more “justified harassment” in a venue the parent DOES control.

But whatever it is, it will seem valid, it will seem like a legitimate parenting move that is acceptable, and it will annoy the shit out of the child for no other reason than the satisfaction of a sadistic and selfish parent taking their frustrations in life or entitlement to attention out on their children.

For example, my mother used to get us in the car and drive around. The radio would always be what she wanted to listen to, and we’d always go wherever she wanted to go. And in the car, she’d make small talk. Just, force engagement. And you weren’t allowed things like music players, there were no cell phones, no distractions to passively get in the way of any stray stream of consciousness she had from just blasting into the air like firing a shotgun to invite and “engage” conversation.

And if you just sat there ignoring her or not responding or replying to her, that was an invite for her to stop passively filling the air with the equivalent of verbal diarrhea, and then more DIRECTLY address why you seemed to not be “going with the flow” and engaging with her.

Or she’d accidentally do shit like drive over curbs if you seemed to be sleeping. “Oops! Haha! Accident!” Or find some excuse to hit the brakes and stop really fast just to jar you. Just indirect ways she could claim were, “completely accidental” to antagonize you into paying attention to her.

And when she wanted your undivided attention, she’d just talk to the air about an important topic (to her) and then ask your thoughts. Trying to socially force engagement or for you to commit a faux pas by refusing engagement. If you comply with engagement, she then demands you listen not just to the content, but demand you listen to all of it for the alloted time. There are no shortcuts with her, she wanted you to listen to the WHOLE spiel for however long it took before you could compile it, strip out all the wasted emotional shit she invested, and in essence just drag on the conversation for as long as she possibly could.

She fashioned every single engagement and conversation to take as much time as possible and demand you pay attention to every second of it in order to properly answer whatever question or long winded wind up to the question she could pose. She’d pose questions simply to gauge and bar if you were paying attention, and then feign outrage and tantrum if you didn’t. You could not just answer “sure” or “yes” or minimize your engagement to ignore whatever spiel she was saying. You couldn’t just tune her out, because she structured every nonsense conversation to check how well you were engaging.

And if you weren’t engaged, then out came the hostility and the antagonism and the passive aggression. And if they felt justified enough, out came the tantrums and restrictions and threats.

Another technique was she’d have indirect conversations over the phone with other people. You would be hit with weird random mood shifts and changes from her after she got off the phone with someone. Maybe one of her stupid sisters would do something or feud and piss her off, she’d feel like she wasn’t in control of them, so she’d take that out on people she did control just to “assert dominance.” So suddenly if Aunt Nelly (fake name) called her a dumb bitch, you get informed bed time is now an hour earlier, and unless you’re paying attention, you have no idea why this is happening.

So you start paying attention and listening in on family phone conversations just to understand why the dumb bitch goes on rampages. It won’t change bed times or get those privileges back, but at least you know WHAT set her off. And it’s designed to use negative reinforcement to MAKE you interested in those phone conversations and eavesdrop. But, you aren’t allowed to make it obvious you’re eavesdropping. So it’s an unspoken part.

That gives narcissistic moms the opportunity to start talking about you to other people. So you indirectly get to hear intentions or revealed information of what they’re about to do or their plans for things. Being talked about as if you’re an object or not even there when you’re in the next room over is a normal occurrence.

So as a kid, you spend most of your time dodging your mom trying to waste your time with worthless conversation after conversation. Which are just subtle little methods that she uses to waste your time, dominate your actions and deprive you of autonomy. And all she has to do is talk to you. All she has to do is punish you with social conventions. All she has to do is communicate outlandish bullshit about how you’re rude or drop mention about how you “tell her to shut up” for her friends and adults around you to cheer her on and encourage her to punish you for “being so fresh.” Because adult women/mothers get the benefit of the doubt over some kid on if what they’re saying is true, or not. So the whole god damned fabricated social interaction now gets strangers cheering on her abuse to “put you in your place.”

Even going outside as a kid, she found a way to render ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS, fruitless and JOYLESS. All she had to do, any time I was outside, was stick her head out the door and yell. She’d pretend I wasn’t yelling loud enough, purely to waste my energy and attention and make me repeat myself, and justify coming closer to the house to speak. (This was the time before cell phones.)

So she’d stick her head out the door and want to have a 2-3 minute exchange, every few minutes. Just, the most worthless and pointless engagements and exchanges that amount to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and she would not stop doing it. And there’s no force on earth that canmake a woman or mother shut the fuck up and not do this. Forced social engagement is a thing women can weaponize and do it with impunity.

Eventually I just got tired of my thoughts and my enjoyment of nature walks being derailed and just stayed inside. It was less effort and she was less ardent about wanting her eye on me every two minutes if I was sitting inside playing videogames, where I was at her beck and call within a few seconds notice.

Just through the power of “not shutting her fucking mouth” and being able to escalate consequences for my being annoyed at her constant attention devouring, she managed to want me to make the decision to just stay inside the house because being outdoors was POINTLESS. It was less suffering and stress to just stay inside than try and enjoy something just for her to waste my time and any satisfaction I could get from it. So, she got what she wanted while pretending she just wanted to talk about what we were having for supper. For half a fucking hour, off and on again.

And I can guarantee you, this is normal in the homes of many American children, especially young boys of single parent homes. Because everybody already knows boys are not perfect, boys can and do act up, boys do talk back to their mothers, boys can be out of control, boys can be short tempered, boys can be violent if they get to the end of their rope and just can’t fucking stand the premeditated and calculated harassment anymore, because in a man’s mind, doing that is waging war. And if you’re waging war on a person, escalation to violence is guaranteed.

Women do not escalate to violence unless it’s to land a killing blow, and they tend to try and do that indirectly and without open conflict. Such as, through poison, or accidents. But they do wage war on you.

Because boys have almost no credibility and women/mothers, they have as high as that value can go in trust from other people. It’s easy to allow them to not just do this shit, but be congratulated for doing it. Other women will reinforce it.

When you do this to a young man, every whisper they hear around them takes higher priority than, say, thinking about math. If you’ve been abused and persistently trained to let someone else derail your thoughts to pay attention to them, you can’t manage math problems. You get punished and harassed and stuck into hostile situations unless you give whomever wants your attention top priority and learn to just give them control or suffer. If not directly, then indirectly from boredom, after the punishments take away all your stimulation and autonomy. .

When you do this to a young man, they lose the ability to tune other peoples egos out and focusing and shutting out distraction becomes impossible. Especially when mothers abuse this relationship, trying to prioritize their feelings about, say, Jerry fucking Springer by talking along with the show, over you doing your homework.

They suffer academically. They lose the ability to focus. They get agitated and hungry for stimulation. They do anything they can for stimulation that ISN’T just giving everything to their mothers all the fucking time; comic books, video games, anything that can be put down whenever that rancid, selfish bitch decides she needs to devour another 50 seconds of your life in 8 parts over the next 20 minutes, making your life and your ability to engage in anything stop-and-go with her calling the shots.

So once again, women use ambiguity as a method of getting away with abuse and destruction, because unless and until you can prove they’re the reason why something happened, you have to assume their innocence. Narcissistic moms use the subjective like a cudgel to get away with abuse.

And many young men and boys have just internalized that their mothers are free to do this shit, this is just bird brain bitch mom shit, you can no more contest it or be angry about it than you could contest and be angry about the rain or anything else. So they never really question it. That’s just how things are. They accept how things are and that some things cannot be changed or helped, and wanting so is just a waste of energy. Because it’s impossible.

So they won’t even remember all the times their mothers did this sort of socially and interpersonally abusive mom-shit unless they think about it really hard. How their moms would pre-meditate and be difficult about shit, solely to waste their time and energy before they tried to live their lives. Just to set them up to fail, that much harder. Just for the satisfaction of taking it away from them, whether they willingly gave it or were coerced to.

And then we have the mental health and child welfare institutions deciding the problem is purely that all these kids fall under the umbrella of Attention Deficient. When there’s clearly a distinction between those that have had their mental reserves cannibalized by their fat bitches of mothers vs. those with actual attention deficiency problems brought about by brains and genetics.

So it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a whole population out there that got baked and basted with ADD medication (like antidepressants for kids with abusive parents) solely because it became socially en vogue as a way to avoid the consequences of your child breaking down from being overly psyche-abused.

[ficbitxc]

Trapped With You

Chapter 6  I  Chapter 5  I Chapter 7  I  masterlist

This is a criminal Minds series I’m making about falling in love with Spencer Reid

summary: Mae spends the day at Spencer’s apartment until an unwanted visitor catchers her, leading to the meeting of Reid’s whole team.

word count: 1697

warnings: only a little bit of language

Authors note: Today’s been a good day so I finished two chapters, I hope you guys enjoy :) sorry this one is kind of short again, but I thought it would be better if I leave the conversation to the next part (You’ll understand after reading haha)

     When I woke up, me and Spencer were on different sides of the bed, both of us having different blankets. He was still fast asleep, so I used this time to look around his room, as last night I didn’t really have a lot of time to do so.

     The bed was in the middle of the room with two nightstands on either side. On both sides layed matching lamps. On his side, though, was a cracked book named ‘The Narrative of John Smith’  with writing all over it. It must be his favorite. All the other ones looked used, but not like this. This one looked like it was about to fall apart.

     On the wall in front of me, there was a closet on my side. On the other side was an old looking dresser that was painted the same colors as the nightstand. There were pictures on top of it, however I couldn’t make them out from the distance. I should probably get my eyes checked out.

      Besides that there were only a few more knick knacks and shelves stuffed with more books. We haven’t talked about it, but it made sense he read so much with as high of an IQ he has. 

     I got up and walked into the kitchen, trying to be as quiet as I could. I didn’t want to wake Spencer when he looked so peaceful. I decided I would make him breakfast for when he wakes up. I opened his fridge looking at the contents. I decided on making eggs and toast. It seemed the easiest and fastest- I didn’t want to wake Spencer up before it was finished. 

     As I popped four pieces of bread in the toaster that laid on the counter, I hummed a song quietly. Then I got out the eggs and began to cook them. As I did that I started coffee with his coffee maker. It took me a second to figure out how to use it, but it wasn’t too difficult.

     When All the food was finally done, I grabbed the plates and mugs and slowly walked them back to Spencer’s bedroom. At this moment I was happy I used to be a waitress. I carefully put them on each nightstand before getting back into the bed and wrapping my arms around Spencer, trying to wake him up the best way possible. As he started to stir, I planted a kiss on his cheek. 

      “Good morning, sleepyhead,” I whispered in his ear. A smile spread across his face, before he turned and gave me a kiss on the lips, never opening his eyes once. I hoped this is what it was always like waking up with him. The thought made my heart pound in my chest.

     “What’s that smell?” He asked once he pulled away.

     “I made you breakfast,” I chuckled, “toast and eggs.”

      “Yum,” He said, sitting up and grabbing the plate that lay next to him. He began eating, and I joined. Once we were finished, he took the plate from me, getting up, placing a kiss on my forehead, then walking away.

      “Where are you going?” I asked. 

      “To do the dishes,” He replied, while continuing to walk away. With that I shot up. 

     “I made the mess, let me clean it,” I protested. 

     “Exactly. You made it. Next time I make something, you can clean the dishes. Does that sound good?” 

     “I guess so,” I said, still feeling a little bad for making a mess that he had to clean. If he wanted to he could get me back next time he cooks and make a huge mess. 

     “Do you have work today?” I asked, changing the topic. 

     “Yes, but I don’t have to go in till 10, since we came home kind of late last night.” He answered.

     “Spence, You do know it’s 9:30, right?” I told him. 

      “No, it can’t be,” He said, then checked his watch, “fuck,” He said, dropping the plates he was cleaning and running to his closet. Before I knew it, he was about to run out the door, completely dressed. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me, like he just remembered I was still here. He quickly ran to, kissing me again. It was quick, like a peck, but I still savored the feeling of his lips on mine. 

     “You can stay if you want. It would be nice to have you here when I come home,” He said as he ran out the door, not even closing it fully. I went to fully close it, thinking about what I would do for the day if I did stay. I decided on quickly going home and getting a small bag with my stuff, including my laptop, and returning. He seemed like he wanted me to stay and I didn’t want to disappoint him.

     The small trip took about an hour, there and back. I grabbed a few pairs of pants, my toothbrush, a sweater, and a few shirts. I also packed a few undergarments that I thought Spencer would enjoy. I packed as if I was planning to stay awhile, you know, just in case.

      The rest of the day he was gone, I cleaned up a little, finishing the dishes he didn’t get to this morning, then started on a new project. I was sitting on his couch with a blanket around me, typing away, when the door opened in his apartment. It was only around 3 o’clock, so I was surprised he was back so early. 

      “Hey Spence,” I called out, “I hope you aren't too mad I finished the dishes,” I laughed, turning around to face him. When I turned, though, it wasn’t Spencer. A blonde woman was stopped in her tracks, a gun in her hands, pointed at me. I froze, not knowing what to do. 

     “Who are you?” The woman asked, “Why are you in Spencer’s apartment?”       “I- he told me I could stay,” I stuttered. She gave me another look before putting the gun back into her holster.

      “Who are you?” I asked, fear still running through me. Why did a blonde woman have the keys to Spencer’s apartment. Maybe I was completely wrong about his feelings towards me. Maybe I was just a hook-up. I was even asking myself if I was a homewrecker without even knowing.

      “Agent Jennifer Jareau, with the FBI’s behavioral unit,” She answered, “Who are you?” Relief flooded through me. Spencer had talked about her before, telling me how close of friends everyone on his team were, how they were pretty much his family. A faint memory of her from the day of my attack flooded through my brain. I wondered if she remembered me.

     “Um, Virginia Mae, or just Mae,” I replied, not knowing what else to say. Me and Spencer hadn’t put a title on what we were yet and I didn’t want to decide for him. Her eyes widened and I was worried she remembered me.      “Are you his girlfriend or something?” She asked.

     “We’ve been on a few dates,” I replied, “I wouldn’t say girlfriend.” With that she put her hand out for me. I shook it back.

      “I’m so sorry about that. Our job makes me paranoid, I thought someone broke into his house or something. I’m so sorry to scare you like that. I was just coming to drop off a few groceries. There was a sale on apples and I knew how much he likes them,” Jennifer explained.

     “You’re fine,” I replied as an awkward silence began. After a few seconds, she took the bag from her shoulder and handed it to me.

      “I’m sure you know what to do with them. You know, you look really familiar.” She said.

       “I’m sure I can figure it out, and I can’t imagine why I would look familiar,” I lied. She just shook her head in response and left. I sat the bag on his counter and just headed back for my computer, wondering what would happen when Spencer found out about our conversation.

      I didn’t get to figure it out for another five hours until he came home around eight. I continued on my laptop, still working on the project that had to be done in a week.       “Mae?” He called out. 

       “I'm in here,” I called back.

      “There are some people I want you to meet,” He said. Confused, I pushed my laptop to the side, turning around to face him. 

       “I heard JJ saw you today. She told Garcia, the IT from my team, and from there everyone found out about you. Everyone wanted to meet you, even when I told them not today. Trust me they are more stubborn than the look. I just wanted to give you a heads up before a bunch of people trampled through my apartment,” He said, answering my questioning eyes. Nervousness plagued through me. 

      “Wait! Shouldn’t I put on actual clothes. I don’t want this to be their first impression,” I brought my hand from my head to my hips showing him what I was talking about. I only wore his shirt and a pair of spandex. I was positive all his coworkers would be wearing suits.

      “You look adorable,” He said while opening the door.

      “No Spence,” I quietly yelled, running toward him trying to completely shut the door again. It was too late, though. People began walking into the house, some looking for me, others looking around the apartment as if they’d never seen it before. 

      Embarrassment made my cheeks turn a light pink color as I walked over toward Spencer. I figured he would be good to hide behind. I said this morning nothing he did could make me hate him, but this was really pushing it.

     The door shut as I counted six people, one holding two pizza boxes. I looked up at Spencer and he had a goofy grin on his face. My hand found his and I squeezed it.

       “Everyone, this is Mae,” He said pointing toward me with his open hand. I shyly waved.

      “JJ, you two have already met,” He said, pointing out the blonde again. Soon I knew everyone’s names. The smiles on their face comforted me and small talk began.

[lov3nerdstuff]

Wicked Game {Part 4}

~Professor Hiddleston AU~

*Tom Hiddleston x reader*

Part: 4/?

Words: 4k

Warnings: Professor x student (college AU), some language

Summary: After transferring to a new university for the last year of your master's, you meet Professor Hiddleston and soon find yourself unable to stay away from him.

A.N.: I really suck at summaries, I'm so sorry 😅 this is a slow burn romance with lots of pining 💗 you guys will probably kill me at the end of this haha please let me know what you think!

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] ...

All Parts can be found on my Masterlist!

_____________________________

"What?" Sky asked, stepping in front of you so you'd look at her. "What did he do?"

"He used my first name. He's never done that before…" You were still frowning, drowning in your thoughts while your stomach seemed to host a rodeo.

"That happens sometimes!" Sky chuckled and pulled you towards the cafeteria. "Professors are also just humans."

"Yeah, you're right." You sighed. "I'm sorry…"

"Oh shush! You've got nothing to be sorry about. I mean you just saved the man's ass!" Sky laughed. "And I'm sure his ass is fine as…"

"Sky!" You protested, looking at her with the certainty that this conversation would be over now.

"Alright alright…" She shrugged. "I just think that the two of you are… kinda cute. I mean for two people as intellectually brilliant as you are, you're also fucking oblivious."

"YOU haven't even had a date, leave alone a crush, in how long?" You shot right back, ignoring her previous comment. "I don't think you're the most knowledgeable person in terms of… that stuff."

"Touche…" She grinned. "Alright, we can change the topic if you want."

"Thank you!" You groaned and together you entered the crowded cafeteria. For the next hour you chatted about everything and nothing, enjoying the (for once quite tasty) lunch. When Sky left for her next class, you yawned and stretched, then headed to your usual spot in the library to get some work done before the night class. For a few hours you kept your nose in the books, until you overheard the conversation of two girls at a table close to yours.

"Have you noticed how he was all happy and enthusiastic today?" One asked, keeping her voice low.

"Yes! Professor Hiddleston used to be like that all the time before the start of this semester. Then he got all gloomy and sad and it didn't suit him at all. He looks so much better when he smiles!" Both girls giggled.

"I bet he would look even better without his glasses, maybe a new haircut and different clothes…"

"Or no clothes at all!" Again, they giggled hysterically. "I'm sure he's absolutely amazing in bed!"

The way they talked about him made your blood boil and when they kept up this gross behavior for another five minutes (increasingly unbearable in the comments' intimacy), you finally had enough.

"If you brainless toads want to keep objectifying innocent staff, please do it elsewhere. Or not at all!" You turned around in an instant and snapped at them.

They frowned at you, making faces. "Are you his mom or something!?"

"No, I'm a respectful human being with a sense of decency!" You replied and glared at them angrily until (finally) they felt awkward enough to leave the library.

"Brainless toads?" You heard a snicker from behind one of the shelves, and a moment later the man the voice belonged to stepped out of the aisle with a huge stack of books in his arms. He had brown curly hair and was just a little shorter than Hiddleston.

"Yeah, not one of my best inventions." You laughed lightly. "Sorry if I was too loud."

"Wasn't really possible to not listen to you. But good to know that at least one person in the building has a… sense of decency, as you put it." He smiled at you until the tower of books in his arms started swaying dangerously.

"Uhm, can I help you with those?" You offered with a chuckle.

"That would be absolutely wonderful, thank you. My office is right around the corner. So if you could just…" He set the tower of books down on your table and picked up the top half (which still looked heavy as heck), leaving the other half for you. Very quickly you stuffed your belongings into your backpack and rose to your feet, picking up the books.

Slowly you waddled after the man, out of the library and down a few hallways, thinking that his definition of 'right around the corner' differed immensely from yours.

Finally he stopped at an office, unlocked the door and walked in. As you followed, you read the name on the door.

"You are Professor Cumberbatch?" You asked once you had set the books down on the only empty surface you could find (being the top of his coffee maker).

He turned around to you with an amused frown. "What's wrong with that?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so surprised." You said apologetically. "Nothing wrong with that. I've only ever heard other students talking about you and your classes."

"Then I hope you've only heard good things! Everything else would've been the truth, unfortunately..." He grinned and held out a hand to you. "Who do I have the pleasure with?"

"I'm Y/n L/n. Soon to graduate in cultural studies and literature." You smiled and shook his hand.

"Oh, then you must be one of Tom's students!" He said cheerfully. "I mean Professor Hiddleston, of course…"

You couldn't help but feel amused by him. He was nice and funny, just what you needed after those rude girls.

"Did you comment on the brainless toads because you're friends with Professor Hiddleston?" You asked with a small smirk.

"You caught me." He held his hands up in defeat and laughed. "As a professor I'm in no place to tell them that they're brainless toads, though."

"But you'd want to?"

"Yes! Of course! I hate it when those creepy female students talk about my friend like that." He sighed and sat down behind his desk.

"Very understandable." You said, making your way back to the door.

"Thank you for your help, Miss L/n." He smiled.

"You're very welcome, for both the books and the toads." You chuckled and waved goodbye as you stepped back into the hallway. While you made your way to your class, you couldn't help but feel happy that Hiddleston had such a nice friend. He really deserved it.

During your class, you thought about Sky, who should be having her date soon. Buying her lunch had cost you your last cash, but that was fine as you didn't need any until tomorrow. You'd just head home after class and eat at your apartment and… That's when you remembered. Panic crashed onto you like a wave on the shore, making your heart beat painfully fast and your thoughts race. You couldn't go home tonight, you had promised your roommate to stay gone. And if you were honest with yourself, you were scared of the strange men that would stay at your apartment tonight, of the things they could (and would) do.

"Miss L/n?" Your professor addressed you and you could hear her heels clicking on the ground.

"I'm sorry, I… was distracted for a moment." You apologized, willing your heart to slow down by breathing very deeply and slowly.

The class continued on for another fifteen minutes, but you could only think of your current situation. Maybe you could just stay here on campus, they had bathrooms and heating and you could always study late, then take a nap and study more until the next morning. Yes, that's what you would do, pulling an all-nighter in the library.

When class was over, you collected your assignment sheet from your professor and hurried to get out of the room. If you wanted to do this, you needed to keep busy.

So, like every other week, you finished your assignment shortly before ten at night. But unlike every other week, you didn't hurry to catch your train and instead let out a long breath. All your required work (and also every extra credit that was offered) you had finished and thus you needed something new to do. The library was deserted, you couldn't see a single person around, but occasionally you heard someone coughing far off in the distance. So you walked through the aisles and picked out a book to study with, worked through the interesting sections, put it back and picked out a new book to repeat the process.

However at shortly before midnight, you felt a tap on your shoulder. Letting out a surprised yelp, you turned around to see a man with a broom in front of you.

"Sorry Miss, but we actually have been closed for half an hour already. Did no one ask you to leave?" He asked with a frown.

"No, I didn't know there was a closing time. Sorry." You said as you started to gather your belongings. "I'm still kinda new here."

"Don't worry about it. We open at seven, tomorrow morning. But for now you'll have to leave." He said, probably as friendly as he could.

With an uneasy feeling and the uncertainty of where to head next, you picked up your backpack and made for the exit. Maybe you could lay down in one of the classrooms! With new hope you quickly made your way back to the main building, only to find the doors locked and the lights in the hallways turned off. Only behind very few windows there was still light, but they were too high up. In that moment, standing in the cold night without a jacket (how could anyone be so stupid and forget to wear one!), no way to get home and without a place to go, you wanted nothing more than to cry.

_______________

Tom finished grading the essays from his creative writing class at roughly around midnight. He didn't feel tired and so he had decided to stay at his office, listening to music and getting work done. After the events of the day, he felt like someone had drugged his coffee or maybe he's just had too much of it. First the talk with you before class… he couldn't remember a time when he had felt more relieved. Both, to hear that you and him were on good terms with each other, and then the little arrangement with the notes. The notebook you had given him felt like the most precious treasure, a piece of your brilliant thoughts put into words only for him to delve in. Oh, he couldn't wait to read what you had to say. He hadn't yet had the time, nor the necessary solitude to take a look, but he was planning on doing that tomorrow before the one afternoon class he had (it was the only class for that day and only creative writing, which of course he took seriously, but it meant a lot of sitting and reading and writing).

When he had emailed everyone in that class his feedback for their assignments, it was only fifteen minutes until one o'clock. He should probably head home and get some rest, now that he could actually look forward to every new day, for it meant a new chance to see you. A loud thunder made him jump, but it also motivated him to try to get to his car before the rain would start. So he grabbed his bag, knocking over that darn cup of pens once again. However this time, he decided that he would deal with the pens tomorrow and thus locked his office to leave.

When he reached the building's entrance, he could already hear and see the rain accompanying the storm that was raging outside. "Oh great…" He groaned to himself. At least he had a jacket in his car, that meant he would only have to run one way through the rain. When he unlocked the door and let himself out, the sound of the rain grew substantially louder. Fortunately, the roof above him was wide enough to grant some dry space before the inevitable wetness that awaited him. As he stood there, waiting for the rain to decrease at least a little, he heard a quiet sob just to his right. It was barely even there and mixed with the sound of the rain. He wondered if he had even heard correctly. But when he peaked around the corner of the building, he saw a person sitting on the ground, all curled together into a ball.

For a moment he simply stood there, unsure what to say or do. Maybe he should call the security? Or just leave and forget about it? However he wasn't one to look away when people needed help.

"Are you alright?" He asked quietly, staying at a safe distance for now.

The ball on the ground went very still, then he heard a faint voice. "Please, just go away…"

His heart seemed to freeze over for a second, then it shattered into a million pieces. "...Y/n?" He asked in no more than a whisper.

You lifted your head from your arms and looked at Tom with red eyes. "I'm okay, it's fine, I'm just… waiting."

"You're waiting?" Tom asked incredulously, suppressing the overwhelming urge to hug you and hold you very tightly until you would feel better. "Waiting for what?"

"The library. It should open soon, I'm fine, it's…" You rambled on and quickly rose to your feet, standing an arm's length away from him. You didn't even seem to notice how badly you were shaking, and Tom seriously started to worry his brains out.

"How long have you been sitting here?" He interrupted you, looking at you up and down to check if you're fine otherwise.

"Well, uhm, I was kicked out of the library at midnight and then I walked around to keep warm, but the coffee shop was closed and the only open-all-night place I could find wouldn't let me stay without buying something, so I kinda ended up just sitting here and waiting for the library to open back up at seven." You finished and failed in your attempt to smile. "Really, don't worry about me."

"It's freaking one o'clock at night and you're sitting here without a jacket, without anything… Why on earth aren't you at home?" He asked a little too forcefully, but he just couldn't help himself. His mind was as torn as it could be, between the thing he should do and the thing he wanted to do. It pained him beyond measure to see you standing there, crying and slowly freezing into oblivion.

Yet, the look you gave him made him regret this outburst immediately.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh." He said and ran a hand through his hair. Honestly, he had no idea what to do.

"It's okay, you don't need to apologise. This is my own fault and my own problem. I wouldn't want to drag you into this, professor…"

"Please stop calling me that." He sighed. "At least for now."

"Sorry…" You looked down at your feet and hugged yourself to keep from shaking.

"Can… can I drive you home?" He tried, taking a step closer to you. You didn't move away, that was a good sign, at least he hadn't completely overstepped his boundaries.

"I can't go home. It's kinda complicated." You sighed. "Just go and let me wait here till morning…"

"No, I won't." That was the first statement he was completely and utterly certain about. "Can't you go to a friend? What about Miss Monroe?"

Again, you shook your head and looked dangerously close to crying once again and honestly, he wanted to cry too. If there is no right thing to do, only many things wrong for different reasons… what is one to do? But he needed to do something now or his heart would burst even more and his mind would forever haunt him with the inevitable 'what if..?'.

"Stay right here, okay?" He simply said, waiting for you to nodd. "I'm going to be right back."

Then he set his bag down again the wall, took a deep breath and raced towards his car through the rain.

He had made his mind up and he knew that it was the right thing to do. The pace of the raindrops hitting him increased and the wind picked up, changing its direction so that it came shooting right at his face. Quickly he got an umbrella and his jacket out of the backseat, then hurried back towards the entrance. You had moved to the front of the building as the rain was now horizontally whipping against the wall where you had previously been standing. As he came closer, he could see that you had even taken his bag with you, which was now securely resting at your side.

He dropped the umbrella once he was back under the roof and took his bag and your backpack from you.

"Here…" He said as gently as he could and placed his winter jacket around your shoulders. "I can't have you freezing to death."

You didn't look at him, but spoke a quiet thank you and pulled the jacket tighter around your frame. That was enough to make Tom smile ever so slightly, at least he could make sure that you would not get any colder.

"I'm sorry for the trouble." You finally said and looked back up at him. "You're once again being very kind and I'm once again only causing problems."

He didn't know how to reply to that. Not because Tom thought that you were causing problems, but because he didn't know how he could convince you that it was his desperate wish to do even more without actually crossing more lines than he already had.

"You're not causing me problems!" He said finally. "I… just don't understand why you can't go home or somewhere safe, at least…"

You smiled at him sadly. "I wouldn't want to bother you with that, professor…"

Oh how he hated that title right now, especially when you said it like that. He wasn't your superior, or even remotely smarter than you… rather on the contrary. But he also had to see the truth, that his means to help you were very limited. Giving you his jacket was just scratching at a line he couldn't dare to cross.

So he didn't inquire any further about your reasons for more or less willingly freezing yourself and instead tried to find a solution for the problem.

"Are you sure you're going to be fine?" He asked, trying to keep his eyes away from yours. He was standing too close to you anyway and if he would only see one more tear, he was sure his barriers would break.

"Yes. I can't thank you enough for letting me borrow your jacket…" You replied sincerely. "I'm gonna be okay out here until the library opens."

He sighed and looked at his phone. 1:30… that was still more than five hours of waiting out in the cold.

If doing the right thing meant letting you stand out here alone, then he just wouldn't be able to do it.

"Come with me." He finally said and picked up his bag, fishing his keys out of a side pocket. He unlocked the door and held it open for you to follow, which to his great surprise you did without hesitation. However he couldn't bring himself to talk much as he lead the way back to his office, now that he had so much to do to make his own mind shut up. This was definitely considered as crossing a line, a glowing, red, bold line.

When he unlocked the door to his office, he remembered the pens on the floor and quickly kicked some of them out of the way as he entered the room.

"You can stay here in my office tonight…" He turned to look at you. "Would that be alright?"

You looked at him with wide eyes, hugging his jacket closer to your body. "That would be absolutely amazing."

Tom was sure that you could hear his erratic heartbeat as he walked past you towards a cupboard in the far right corner of the room. After a quick search through the drawers he finally found what he was looking for: a black fluffy blanket that he always kept in his office for the (unfortunately not so rare) cases when he stayed here instead of heading home. Slowly he walked back towards you, afraid that one step too far would finally make you run. But you stayed standing on the spot, with your eyes fixed on his and he had to remind himself to stay at an acceptable distance. So he held the blanket out to you with a small smile. "Here… Try to warm up, maybe sleep a little. You should be fine on the couch."

Nodding, you took the blanket out of his hand and slowly walked over to the couch. "Thank you. Really, thank you so much." You breathed as you turned around to him again, sitting down on the soft leather.

Tom only nodded, averting his eyes to any place but you. He needed to leave, now, despite everything within him screaming to stay with you. But this was a good point to go, a good place to keep you safe for the night.

"Uhm, Miss L/n…" He started, feeling absolutely awkward.

"I'm wearing your jacket and hugging your blanket, I think you can call me Y/n…" You interrupted him with a nervous laugh that made his heart swell.

"Yeah, uh, if you… if you're good, I'm gonna head home. It's getting quite cold in those wet clothes…" He said as he stood in the middle of the room, crossing his arms in front of his chest. If he was usually a quite confident person, now he was an absolute mess, both on the outside and the inside.

"Oh, of course!" You jumped back to your feet and took off his jacket. With quick steps you walked towards him and hesitated for a moment, before you stood on your tiptoes and placed the jacket around his shoulders with a smile.

Oh why only did you have to do this to him… Tom stared at you in awe for a moment, his lips parted and eyes wide. If it wasn't for the sudden loud rumble of the thunderstorm, he probably would've stared at you until morning. But the thunder made him jump and he took a few steps backwards immediately, knocking off a pile of books in the process.

"Miss L/n… Y/n…" He closed his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. "I'm afraid my brain doesn't respond that well to a lack of sleep. I'm sorry if my behavior was a bit… peculiar."

He watched you as you sauntered back towards the couch, dropping down with a quiet sigh.

"You have done absolutely nothing wrong, Mr. Hiddleston. All is good as before." You smiled at him encouragingly. "I'm gonna be okay, it's warm and dry and I'm very thankful for that. You should go home…"

He nodded a little too quickly and grabbed the keys out of his pocket, only detaching the ones for his apartment and the entrance door down in the hall so he could get out. Then he placed the rest on the desk. "There you go, now you can lock the door if you want to, or unlocked other rooms or… something. Oh, and you should keep the lights turned off if you don't want the security coming up here at four in the morning."

"Thanks…" You smiled once again. "Goodnight, Professor."

"Goodnight." He replied quietly and turned on his heel, practically running out of the office. On the way to his car, he repeatedly asked himself why it was falling for an angel that would send him right to hell.

_______________

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If you guys wanna be tagged please let me know ✨💗 also I'm super duper happy about every feedback I get 💚

[lucysuniverse]

Camellia

Isn’t Adachi Yuto just the purest and cutest boy alive? Just like a Camellia. This story was inspired by the song Camellia on Pentagon’s first full album The Black Hall. Since Yuto wrote the lyrics I immediately thought that this is a story which belongs to him. 

Hope you’ll like it :)

Pairing: Yuto x OC/reader

Genre: cute, fluff, romance, angst

Word count: 5,046 _________________________________

‘I noticed that you are always drawing this flower.’

              ‘Huh?’

And he stopped for a second when I said this. Like a child, like he didn’t even know what he was doing until this point, he started to analyze his own drawing like he has never seen something like this before.

              ‘Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you. Just go on. I’ll be going then.’

And I wanted to leave the class. It was always like this. I wanted to approach him, but he was shy or maybe he didn’t want to talk to me, I don’t know what the reason was, but it never worked out. It was impossible to get close to him. I gave up.

              ‘It’s a camellia. Queen of winter flowers.’

              ‘I see. It’s beautiful.’

And I didn’t want more. I was already satisfied with this short answer. It meant literally everything. Ever since he joined our class I was hoping for a little interaction. I was hoping for a secret glance, for a little sign of interest. Not only towards me. He was always alone, he was always wearing black, he was always listening to music. And he always seemed sad. I just wanted to hug him. To see him smile. Once, only once. That was all I wanted. But now as he was talking about his drawing, for the first time he seemed comfortable and relaxed. He was totally different. I just hoped other people could see this side of him too.

              ‘If you are interested, I can tell you the legend of camellia.’

He was again shy, but he made the first step. And I wanted to get to know this Yuto more than everything.

              ‘I am all ears.’

***

              ‘Class! Can I have your attention please? I would like to introduce you your new classmate, Adachi Yuto. He and his family has just recently moved to Korea, please make sure to help him, and involve him in our everyday life so that he can adapt fast and comfortably to this new situation. Yuto-ya do you want to tell something about yourself? Why don’t you introduce yourself?’

              ‘Hi my name is Yuto. Nice to meet you.’

That was the very first time I heard him talking. He was insecure and quiet, but something about his looks and voice made me go insane. These two short sentences made me so awake like I was never before. Usually I was bored during classes. Either sleeping or talking with others, these were my top activities. Classes were usually boring, or at least I already knew what was about to happen. American Civil War? Boring. Colonization? Been discussed hundred times before. Maths? Will we draw triangles in real life just to prove that Pythagoras was right? Duh, no. BORING.

But he was something else. He was mysterious, and I wanted to know everything about him. Where has he lived in Japan, what are his parents like? Does he have siblings? Are they also gifted by these genes? Suddenly school became the most interesting thing in my life.

In the class I was the tallest girl. I didn’t really hate my height but I was used to sit in the last row, have only shorter friends than me, and of course I was always the one asked to turn on the projector, or lift down the boxes from the shelves. It wasn’t bad but sometimes it gave me hard times. The prom was nearing as we were in our last year of school and there was literally no one who would want to dance with me. And this was only based on height. Most of the boys didn’t like tall girls. If a girl is same height as them then how can they show their manly side? Bullshit.

But for the first time on that lovely October Monday I was proud to be tall. It was good to sit in the last row, and I didn’t mind that I haven’t had a partner for the prom. Once he stepped in our class, everything has changed. He was my hope. He was handsome, tall and seemingly a good person. What gave me this feeling? I can’t really describe I just looked at him and couldn’t imagine him being anything else.

              ‘Are you really two years older than us?’

One of the cool guys asked. There was a complete squad of them. They would bully you for everything possible and I already felt like this question is not leading us in the right way.

              ‘Yes, I was born in the Year of Ox*.’  

              ‘What? Is that 3 years then? HAHA. What a loser. Did you fail 3 times?’

              ‘No it’s just…’

              ‘Why do you think you’ll pass in Korea if you failed already 3 times. Are you looking down on             our country? Just because you are a foreigner it won’t be easier for you.’

*Year of Ox: February 7, 1997 - January 27 (yes Kino too), 1998

              ’Kim Jae Hyun that will be enough. Yuto please sit down, there is an empty place for you in the last row. Huh, okay we are done with the introduction and now let’s move on with our topic…’

And Ms. Choi stopped for a second before she said it out loud.

              ‘Japanese invasion of Korea.’

              ‘Teacher I thought this is history class, why are we talking about our present.’

And they were looking all at Yuto. Challengingly like they have to fight for privileges, like they were afraid the new kid will take their position. How could he? It could be seen that Yuto wasn’t the type of guy who was eager to be the cool guy in class. He would never show off or throw a fit just to be popular. I was getting angry.

              ‘Kim Jae Hyun. Shut your mouth finally, will you?’ I said tempered.

              ‘Oh Lady Protector. Why don’t you mind your own business? Do you have to interfere all the time? Did you fall for Mr. Japan so easily? What a basic-‘

‘ENOUGH. Kim Jae Hyun you go to the director’s office. NOW.’

‘Conversation. Teacher this is what I wanted to say. Basic conversation. Nothing else why should I ?’

              ‘I said NOW. Don’t make me tell you once again.’

And seemingly Ms. Choi hoped that introducing a new classmate won’t be so hard, but her predictions might have fooled her. Now she turned to me.

              ‘You. I’ll let it slip for now. But I don’t want you to raise your voice in my class anymore, understood?’

              ‘Yes, Ms. Choi. I am sorry.’               ‘I’ll go with Jaehyun will be back in 5 mins. I don’t wanna hear any noise.’

Oh, I think I missed out something important. I am the president of class. So most of the times I was in charge of keeping the class organized or even making sure they won’t cause a complete disaster when there is no teacher around.  Anyone can tell my life is full of happiness and unexpected surprises. Thankfully after they’ve left nobody dared to talk. Jaehyun’s bad guy squad was powerless without him. If the leader was not around, they were just shy bunnies.

Yuto’s table was on my right side but I was afraid to look in his direction. What could he feel, what could he think about our class? I was so ashamed. Those stupid idiots ruined everything.

 ***

Thanks to that idiot flower boy Kim Jae Hyun, Yuto became a ghost in our class. He was always present, but always somewhere far away. He always arrived in the last second and left as soon as the classes were over. After that terrible introduction day nobody was nagging him, and even if they tried, he would just ignore them. He was always alone, he had always his headphones on and he seemed lonely.

As we were sitting next to each other I was always cautiously glancing over his table during the classes wondering what he is up to. And most of the times he was drawing. It was always the same. A flower. I was not really familiar with the types, but it was always the same flower. Seemingly it could have a special meaning to him.

After the class ended, he was about to go but I gathered all my courage to ask him about the drawing. Previously I tried to talk to him, but seemingly he wasn’t the type to like small talks. He always replied but would never ask back. He kept it short and simply. I couldn’t build up a conversation. But that afternoon everything has changed.

              ‘I noticed that you are always drawing this flower.’

              ‘Huh?’

              ‘Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you. Just go on. I’ll be going then.’

But after a little hesitation he continued.

              ‘It’s a camellia. Queen of winter flowers.’

              ‘I see. It’s beautiful.’

              ‘If you are interested, I can tell you the legend of camellia.’

              ‘I am all ears.’

And after 23 days of silence and no contact we were talking like we’ve always known each other. Actually, we were so immersed in our conversation that we even forgot about the drawing. Yuto was actually a cool guy. If you got to know him, he was so much different from the first predictions. He still wasn’t egoistic or rude, but he had great goals and plans in life, he was honest and on top of that talented. When I got to know he raps, sings, and dances I was taken a back.

              ‘Why didn’t you tell anyone in the class? They would love it I am sure.’

              ‘Well, I don’t think it is a good idea.’ He said shyly.

And then I realized. He didn’t want to show his true colors because others would criticize him, they would nag and bully. And what he had was already more than enough.

              ‘Anyways thank you for sharing. Even if the others seem to be distant, they are, I mean most of them, are good people. They just need time to welcome you in the class. But you’ll become               the part of this class. I’ll make sure. Until then you can count on me. The class president is        always here for you. ‘

And I couldn’t believe my eyes, but he was smiling. SMILING. And it was the most beautiful and purest smile I’ve ever seen. I wish I could tell him how beautiful it was, how that smile made my heart skip a beat. How much I needed it in my life. Definitely he should have smiled more.

Starting from that afternoon our relationship was slowly but surely becoming a friendship. We got closer and closer. And I fell in love with him. I always adored his looks but this time it was different. First, he was just a good-looking guy. Objectively looking at him nobody could tell otherwise. He was indeed handsome. But as soon as we started sharing stories, spending more and more time together I saw him more and more beautiful. For others he might not be the most amazing guy, but for me, he was. He is.

Others have also noticed this because my friends started nagging me. ‘When will you finally ask him to dance with you?’ ‘Is he such a coward that he will not ask you out?’ And I was always politely telling everyone that there is no such thing that we are becoming a couple. But inside it did hurt. Because I wanted to be together with him. I wanted it more than anything.

***

As the prom was just around the corner a lot of things happened to our class. We were preparing a lot of things. Decorations, a little campaign, a dance performance even. Yuto tried to hide the fact that he could dance but once he was chosen to be the center he couldn’t run away. Slowly but after passed he got accepted in our class. My friends really loved him (of course they might have seen how I was head over heels for him), other girls had a crush on him, and the guys respected him. Most of them. But not the cool gang. Kim Jae Hyun and his squad has been turned down. They no longer had power. They’ve been dethroned. I was so happy about Yuto finally becoming the part of our class. He fought his war, but he did succeed. And others had to accept it. Seemingly they did. But it was not yet over.

                    The representative election was one of the most important events before the prom. Every class should vote for two class representatives, usually for a boy and a girl. The chosen ones would have the honor to give a speech at the prom and at the graduation ceremony. There was literally no one who wouldn’t want to do it. Not because they were so grateful towards each other. But it looked nice in university applications.

Even though everyone was interested there were requirements which you should meet for the applications. You should have had good marks, a recommendation letter from one of our teachers and of course the votes from the class. And that was the hardest to get.

I knew I had higher chances since I had good grades and I was the class president but still I didn’t want to take it for granted. I wanted to work hard, and honestly wanted to have a fair election. My friends were so cute they kept on telling me that I will be chosen but I ignored all these comments. I didn’t want to have high hopes.

Out of the boys I didn’t know who the candidates could be. Yuto was becoming more and more popular but still he didn’t have these kinds of ambitions. Jae Hyun had these ambitions though, but he was losing his popularity recently. Therefore, on the day when they announced the results, I was extremely nervous. I couldn’t stand the idea of working together with Jae Hyun. And I was already way to excited to give a graduation speech alongside Yuto. But then something unexpected happen like it never did before.

              ‘Congratulations you are the class representative of Year 2019/2020.’

I was so shocked. I mean deep inside I was hoping for this, but I never knew that my whole class would choose me. I had friends and nobody hated me, still it was surprising I was moved by this. But still there was a question without an answer.

              ‘Ohm sorry but, who is the other representative?’ I asked with a slight hesitation.

              ‘This year you are the only one chosen. Congrats you are the classes favorite, still you can choose someone to give the speech with, if you want to.’

Of course, I wanted to. There was no doubt. I thought it is happening finally. Yuto might be shy but maybe I can convince him. It worked out great previously and he became loved and popular in our class. I wanted to help him. The other day when we were talking, he told me why he could not graduate earlier. And once I realized and knew the background, I just wanted to help him more to achieve his dreams.

After the class I wanted to ask him to be the other representative with me but seemingly he had to go. I was running out of the school when I found him standing next to two other guys. Both of them were smaller than him. But they looked around his age. When I saw them, I stopped running; I didn’t want to disturb them. It was so easy to see that they were his teammates.

              ‘Yutoooo.’ The smaller guy said with a childlike excitement. He seemed super hyper. But had such a positive vibe. It seemed he truly liked Yuto. Looking at him once again he might have                been older than Yuto and the third guy.

              ‘How was it?’ The third guy asked. He was such a fashionista. Cool clothes with accessories and even his presence was shouting for attention. But when I looked at his face, I realized how sensitive he could be.

              ‘It was okay. Huh?’ And in that moment, he noticed me. I didn’t want to be uncovered, but it was so satisfying to meet idols I couldn’t help but stay there watching them. I guess I even blushed.

              ‘Oh, hi!’ I said quietly. And even though I was loud person in that situation I felt so small for some reason.

              ‘What are you doing here? Is something wrong?’ Yuto asked worriedly.

              ‘Oh… oh no… nothing specific I just…’ and then I stopped.

I looked at the two other guys and the timing didn’t seem perfect. Should I really ask him in front of his teammates?

              ‘Are you sure you are okay?’ He asked again.

              ‘Oh yeah, uhm there is something I want to ask from you. Can we talk tomorrow afternoon? I’ll be waiting next to the library.’

              ‘Okay. Ohm sorry but we gotta go now.’

              ‘Sure, sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

              ‘See ya.’

And I turned around and realized how my pulse was in the heights. I was literally dying. And it was getting worse when I heard them leaving.

              ‘Is she your girlfriend? She is cute.’ The older guy said. And then added with his playful voice a bit like nagging. ‘Yuto has a girlfriend, Yuto has a girlfriend.’ And then returned to his original self. ‘Next time you should introduce us.’

              ‘Okay hyung.’

              ‘Does she know where you are going now?’ The other guy asked now.

              ‘Uhm, yeah I think she does.’

              ‘So, you talked about becoming an idol but you didn’t introduce us?’

              ‘No need for nagging. Yuto had a though day.’ The smallest guy said.

              ‘Thank you hyung.’ Yuto said appreciatively.

But he hasn’t finished.

              ‘But even on though days you should have introduced the leader of your group.’

              ‘What and what about the dancing machine then? Hyung aren’t you a bit too much?’

              ‘Okay, okay. I am just joking.’

And that was the last I could hear. They’ve left. It was so good to see that there were people like them around Yuto. It seemed like they were a good team.

I was slowly going home, and I was still thinking about him. How he could practice at 8. How he is joking with those two. How he is immersed in their music. It was a lovely thought. But someone had to ruin it again. It was Kim Jae Hyun. When I opened the text message, I couldn’t really understand what was going on.

              ‘Hey, can we meet tomorrow after class? I have something to tell you.’

And I was hesitating to answer him, but usually even to those Kim Jae Hyun types I couldn’t say so I answered:

              ‘Please keep it short I have already had plans, for the afternoon.’

              ‘Okay, I’ll be straightforward.’

Straightforward? What is wrong with this guy? Anyhow I didn’t bother to analyse this conversation I could finally return to my original thoughts. I was daydreaming and had all the possible scenarios and answers in my head, what Yuto could answer on the next day. While playing with the thoughts I didn’t even realise that it was already 7.20 and I was late for school.

In the end I was just on time and managed to arrive before the class started. Yuto was also arriving in the same time. We were always nice with each other but today he seemed nicer and more polite than usual.

The whole day I was freaking nervous I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to finally just tell him that freaking question. Let out of my chest and just move on. I was so nervous I was kind of reconsidering the whole thing and deciding to give the speech alone.

After the last class ended, I was heading to the library directly. I didn’t see Yuto that much on this day, and even our last class was separated so I was so much waiting to finally see him. When a tall guy in our uniform has finally appeared on the corner, I was already so happy. But it wasn’t him unfortunately.

              ‘Where were you?’ Kim Jae Hyun asked.

Shit. I completely forgot about it.

              ‘Oh sorry. What did you wanted to share?’

              ‘I like you.’

              ‘Pffff. HAHAHAHA. Come on Jae Hyun I have better things to do.’

              ‘No, I am serious. I like you. I was rude and distant because I liked you. But I realized it is not working on you. So now I am confessing my feelings. Also, can you please be my partner for the prom?’

What the actual heck? I was so shocked I couldn’t give him an answer or even react. And as I didn’t do anything, I saw him reaching out to my hands. And in that second, I heard a small noise from the right side. It was Yuto. He was staring at us, while holding a paper in his hands. His eyes were the saddest things I saw in my life. Betrayal. Disappointment. Sorrow. It was all over written in his eyes. In the end he just turned around and the paper just slowly falling out of his hands reaching the floor.

              ‘Yuto, wait.’ And I wanted to go after him but Jae Hyun was grabbing my wrist tighter than before.

              ‘Mr. Japan will not comeback.’

              ‘What?’

              ‘I made sure that he will see us like this today.’

              ‘How could you?’

              ‘It is so obvious that you fell for him and I even heard yesterday when you told him to meet you here. But I must be the other representative.’

              ‘You are so disgusting. I’ll never choose you as a partner.’

              ‘Oh, you will, otherwise I’ll make sure your precious Mr. Japan will not be able to graduate this year.’

And suddenly I was getting scared of him. He was grabbing my stronger, it hurt. He pushed me to the wall and was leaning closer. I didn’t know what he wanted to do but my tears were already flowing on my cheeks.

              ‘Oh a little crying won’t work on me, I’ll not let you go until you promise me to nominate as the other representative.’

And I was just about to agree and promise him, but in that second finally my wrist was free and I was no longer captured by his suffocating presence.

              ‘Don’t you dare put your hands on her.’ Yuto said.

              ‘Oh lovely Mr. Japan came back as a savior.’

But he couldn’t finish his sentence cause in that second Yuto punched him in his face. I was so shocked. It was too much going on in that past 10 minutes.

              ‘How dare you frighten her? Don’t you ever come near her. Understood?’

And this was the very first time I saw this part of Yuto. I couldn’t find words. Does he also have a side like this? A protective bit aggressive side?

Jae Hyun must have understood but unfortunately Ms. Choi has just appeared on the scene and I knew this is not going to bring anything good.

              ‘What is going on?’ She asked angrily.

              ‘Teacher, I just…’ Yuto started. He was again back to his usual calm and shy self.

              ‘This jerk hit me. He needs to be punished.’ Jae Hyun added.

I was so pissed. How can he even now pretend that he is the victim?

              ‘Yuto is it true?’

              ‘Yes, teacher.’ He answered calmly.

              ‘Oh, and what are you doing here?’ She asked me.

              ‘I-I’ And I couldn’t find the words. It was just too much.

              ‘Jae Hyun was threatening her, teacher.’ Yuto answered.

              ‘Really?’

And instead of answering I just nodded. Ms. Choi just sighed.

              ‘Are you okay?’

              ‘Yes, Ms. Choi.’ I answered still a bit dizzy from nervousness.

              ‘Alright. You two are coming with me.’ And the boys and the teacher were leaving.

I was still unconscious due to the sudden happenings. I was hoping that Yuto will not get in big trouble because of me, but I just couldn’t wait for him I wanted to leave school as soon as possible. As I was leaving, I saw that paper on the floor which Yuto was holding earlier. I slowly picked it up and actually didn’t want to read it but once I saw my name on it I couldn’t stop myself.

Do you still remember how it started? You asked about the camellia. And I promised to tell you the story. But as time passed, we had so many things to share with each other the flower and its story faded away. I finally gathered some courage to write this letter. I am sorry to make you wait. You must have had a hard time. We both knew what was going on, but I wasn’t ready to tell you. I am so sorry about that.

Why always camellia? It reminds me of a lot of special memories. It is one of the most common flowers in our country. It made me feel like I was home. The legend says the camellia blossoms only in special circumstances in given times but once it blooms it is the most beautiful one of them all. In the past months you were the one ensuring the special circumstances for me. Without you I couldn’t become popular and loved. You made me feel like a camellia. You made me feel at home. You don’t know how much grateful I am for that.

We are working on our album now, and I was thinking about how I could tell you all the feelings I feel right now. I am usually not a very talkative type, so I chose my own way. I hope you’ll like it.

‘The times spent with you, became beautiful memories’ ‘Collecting our beautiful stories, When the camellia blossoms, I want to call you’

What do you think? How about spending more beautiful times together creating many more beautiful memories?

Yuto

I couldn’t stop myself anymore. This whole day was just too much to process. My tears started to flow. I couldn’t really describe why I was crying. Happiness? Relief? Being moved? Maybe all of these and more. It was such an overwhelming feeling. And finally, I had my answers. Why he was not making any steps. He still needed time. But in his own way he was continuously telling me how he cherished our relationship.

Without even realizing a half hour passed and I heard steps from the end of the corner. I hoped nobody would notice me, but it didn’t work out unfortunately. With my still teary eyes I tried to recognize the silhouette of the nearing person. But once I heard his voice, I felt an oddly calm feeling getting over my body.

              ‘Are you okay?’ He asked.

              ‘Yuto. I am … He is…’

              ‘I know. I heard it. I am sorry I left I should have protected you and avoid this to happen.’

              ‘No. You did all you could.’

And suddenly there was a silence between us. I was scared to bring it up, but I need it to hear it with my own ears.

              ‘Is this really have you feel?’

And I was still holding on to that sheet of paper like it was the most precious thing in my life. (Most likely it was).

And instead of answering he just looked at me shyly and nodded. And at that point I couldn’t hold it back I hugged him as tight as possible. He wrapped his arms around me, and I was drowning in that feeling. It felt like homecoming. I was leaning my head on his and once I felt his hands stroking my hair, I knew he was my safe place, my secret hideaway.

It was dreamlike, we were just standing in the empty school, but we were in our own universe. Like he wanted to calm me down he placed a soft kiss on my forehead, and I was already blushing. But just as I said Yuto was a mystery. After so many times passed, I would never think, he would show me his passionate side. The romantic side of him which was longing for an honest talk, for a hug, for a kiss.

It was so insane. How could he be so powerful and strong when it comes to protecting me, and how can he be so gentle when I am in his arms? Why do I forget everything when I am with him? Why do I want to give up on everything for him? His every touch was like a spell. My lips were tingling, and my body was trembling from amazement. I had a lot of plans and goals, but in that moment when I was with him, when I felt him, suddenly I could forget about the university applications and everything. Only we existed.

              ‘I’ll protect you from now on.’ He whispered in my ears. ‘Shall we go now?’

And he was reaching out for my hands. So, we were walking out hand in hand.

              ‘There is something I should tell you. And you won’t be happy most likely.’ He said suddenly.

              ‘Why are you starting like this?’

              ‘Those two boys from yesterday. They are waiting for me, so I will have to leave. I am sorry.’

I was disappointed but it couldn’t be helped. I knew how talented he was and I wanted to support him no matter what.

              ‘I’ll make it up somehow.’ He promised.

Once we left school the two boys just as previously. They were standing outside waiting for Yuto.

              ‘Yuto-ya. Can we go now?’ The smaller guy asked.

              ‘Yeah, just a sec. So, let me introduce you my bandmates. This is Lee Hoetaek our Leader. He nags me all the times, but he does it out of love. Right? And this is Kang Hyunggu our dancing machine.’

              ‘Nice to meet you.’ I said quietly.

              ‘Oh, and most importantly. She is my girlfriend.’ And he was holding my hand tighter than before. He gave me a small kiss on my cheek.

              ‘Okay so everyone knows everyone now. We can go now.’ He said with satisfaction.

He waved goodbye and winked. Well Adachi Yuto seemingly you exactly now how to make it up.