#i catch myself writing people off. making lists in my head. sometimes it's just purely a matter of safety

[novelconcepts]

more and more it's feeling like we just...don't have room for people trying anymore. it's all or nothing; get it right the first time, or be crucified by a jury you can never fully see or convince. and this isn't new, isn't born of current events. it's become more and more prevalent over the last ten years thanks to social media putting every little thought on blast, but i'd put money on the idea that it's actually been brewing much longer than that. and, for me, it goes beyond being tiring or upsetting. it feels bleak. it feels downright fucking broken that we're all so busy trying not to condone anything remotely problematic that we don't leave room for good faith learning. watching people trying to suss out their own identity--something literally ONLY they can fully understand or explain--be vilified for trying to fit words around their own experience sucks. watching people misunderstand something and try to apologize for it later, only to be told they should have known all along, sucks. seeing people who once held truly toxic beliefs actually grow and learn and apologize and still be told to fuck themselves as if they're a lost cause--it sucks. just. does that not fill you with despair for the state of things? does that not break something in you, to think that if you one day don't understand something, or misuse a word, or grapple with complicated feelings, it will forever stain you in the eyes of perfect strangers?

dude the world is fucked, and we all see it, but like. it doesn't feel like it helps to be so goddamn reactive. it doesn't feel like it helps anyone to demand perfection out the gate. it's exhausting. there are enough people out there who don't want to learn, who aren't trying, who actively revel in cruelty. looking for malice in every little fuck-up from people who seem to be genuinely striving to live their lives with kindness strikes me as lending strength to an army that already glories in suffering. and makes the world look more fucked than ever. and i really don't know that that energy is what we need when there's already so much to set right.

maybe it's just me. maybe this last decade just shattered something in me. but i really, really hate the idea--reject the idea, frankly--that people can't learn and change and grow. that people can't be better than a bad day or a failure of understanding. i reject the idea that people are something to be thrown out because they fucked up. it just seems...yeah. bleak. really fuckin' bleak.

[space-helen]

Heartbeat

Words: 2586

Pairing: Fox Mulder x Reader

A/N: I hope this is ok!! I really enjoyed writing this :)

Request:  Do you think you could do a Mulder x Reader where the reader has diagnosed anxiety, and the only thing that helps her in panic attacks is listening to recordings of calming heartbeats to the point where she’s almost in love with the sound? And one of the creature’s abilities is to distract people by making hallucinations of their biggest weaknesses, and so in the middle of conflict it makes her listen to Mulder’s heartbeat, making her flustered, and she has to abruptly admit her feelings towards him and her fascination with hearts afterwards or while everything is happening? Bonus points if he or Scully find out she has a bunch of heartbeat ASMR in her search history, and they bring it up in conversation before the actual conflict, making her flustered before anything actually happens. (I also want to clarify, I’m not requesting an NSFW fic since I don’t know how you feel about it, I want it to be purely cutesy and romantic.) - Anon

______________________

The sounds of heartbeats played through the headphones as you relaxed backwards in your chair. You closed your eyes and focussed on the soothing pattern. Even if there was no regular pattern to the heartbeats you’d find them.

You breathed in through your nose and held your breath for a couple of seconds before letting it out. Today had been extremely stressful and your anxiety had been through the roof leading to a panic attack. You’d excused yourself from the situation and had come straight here.

Scully entered your shared office to see you behind your desk, going to her own she put down a file “You look relaxed.” she commented and when she had no response from you she turned to your desk. “Y/N?”

Again no response, the sounds playing through the headphones had consumed your mind. 

“Y/N?” she gently put a hand on your shoulder which had you opening your eyes quickly with a start and scrambling to pull the headphones off.

“Dana.” you could feel the embarrassment rise in you. “I’m so sorry I was just listening to a tape and I guess I had the volume up high?”

“Well you either seemed totally engrossed or bored with it. Either way you were relaxed and that’s all that matters. You gave us a little scare earlier, I’m sorry I couldn’t excuse myself sooner” she apologised.

“It’s ok.” You reassured. “Today has been stressful. All those people-” you started to recount the event.

“Y/N, Y/N please don’t worry about it. It’s the end of our shift anyway you should go home.”

“Are you sure?”

“More than. Go on, I’ll be here a little while longer until Mulder comes back.”

“I don’t mind waiting for him too.”

“No. Really don’t worry. We’ll call you if it’s important, you need a break.”

You smiled “If you insist.” Standing up you moved to the coat stand to grab your bag and coat. “Thank you.”

Dana watched you leave the office and sat back and relaxed for a second before deciding to open the file in front of her. An hour soon passed before she was startled out of her workflow by the phone ringing.

Picking it up quickly she pressed the phone to her ear “Dana Scully how may I help?”

“Dana. It’s Y/N. Can you do me a huge favour?” your voice came from the other side of the line.

“Sure what is it?”

“I was supposed to return that tape I was listening to to the library tonight. Would you be able to? I’m so sorry I would have done it myself but I totally forgot and just remembered now.”

“Yeah sure. Is there anything else you’d like me to do?”

“Uh.” you hesitated and went quiet “Actually” you paused again “Nevermind, ignore me it’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? If I’m out I don’t mind.”

There was a silence “Can you book me out a tape with heartbeat sounds? Anything will do.”

“Sure. Is that all?”

“Yeah that’s it. Thank you Dana.”

“No problem. Get some rest Y/N I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Have a lovely night.”

The phone call had ended and Dana had to admit she was slightly confused by your request. Standing up she moved over to your desk and picked up the cassette player. Curiosity took over and she was soon pressing the play button and bringing the headphones up to her ear to try and get a hint of what you were listening to.

The sound of heartbeats filled her ears and she quirked an eyebrow. She put the played and headphones back down before ejecting the tape and putting it back in it’s case.

Picking it up she returned to her desk and slipped it in her bag as footsteps approached her office. She turned to see Mulder approaching.

“How’d it go?”

He flopped into an empty seat in the office “We have something big on our hands, and not like we’ve seen before.”

“How urgent?”

“We’ll need to start first thing. For now though get some rest.”

Scully nodded “I will but you have to promise you will too.”

He put his hands up “I will.” he pushed himself to a standing position as he walked with Scully out of the building “How was Y/N today?” he questioned.

Scully smiled and quirked and quirked an eyebrow, she knew how much he liked her “She’s good. Had a bit of a wobble earlier but I think she’s ok. It happens to the best of us.”

“As long as she’s ok.”

“Yeah she is. Actually, I have to go and run an errand for her so I’ll catch you tomorrow?”

“Bright and early.” he replied with a smile before parting.

Dana was soon arriving at the Library, she found the heartbeat tapes and looked through them and their descriptions. She noticed your name on many of the checkout lists and picked one that your name wasn’t present on.

She quickly signed back in your old tape and out the new, slipping it into her bag and she continued home.

You’d had a pretty decent night's sleep and were now entering the office. Putting your bag down on your desk you turned to take off your jacket, not realising someone else was in the room. 

“Do I not get a good morning?”

You turned in shock towards Mulder’s voice, he was now rounding his desk to perch on the edge. “I didn’t even realise. I’m so sorry.” you hung up your jacket and gave him a smile “Good Morning Mulder.”

“How was your evening?”

You perched on the edge of your own desk near Mulder “It was good. Dana sent me home and I just had something to eat and went to bed honestly. I was pretty tired. What about yours? How was yesterday?”

He kicked your foot gently with his own and spoke with a smile “I’m glad you had a nice evening. Mine was good and I pretty much did the same. Yesterday was ok, we do have something big on our hands though.”

“Oh yeah?” you questioned “Is it really big or are you just saying that? You have a tendency to over-exaggerate sometimes.” you teased

He grabbed a balled-up piece of paper from his desk and lightly chucked it at you “I’ve never exaggerated in my life.

You crossed your arms over your chest and gave him a smug look.

“Ok maybe I have but I promise you this one is big.” He emphasised the word with his hands.

Dana heard laughter coming from the office and wasn’t surprised at all to see the two of you together in there. “Morning.” she greeted.

Mulder pushed himself off his desk “We should get a move on.” he gestured to the clock and grabbed his keys “I’ll meet you both by the car?”

“Sure.” you agreed. Standing up you went to grab your jacket again. Regretting even taking it off in the first place, if you’d known you’d been going out you wouldn’t have bothered.

“I managed to get you a new tape,” Dana said pulling it out of her bag and offering it to you.

You looked at her in shock briefly, you’d totally forgotten that you’d asked her to get you a new one, you must have been really tired when you’d called her. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.” you could feel the embarrassment rise in you as you took the tape from her and slipped it into the top drawer of your desk. 

“I noticed you borrow heartbeat sounds a lot from the library. Practically every tape has been taken out by you at least once.” she said lightly with cheer in her voice.

“Yeah. It’s nothing really.”

“I’m just interested.”

“I think we should really get going.” You were getting nervous and your words were falling out. Adjusting your coat you left the office and headed towards the car. Dana knew exactly when to drop a topic and knew she’d probably pushed a little bit too far but she was soon following you.

The drive to the location didn’t take long. Picturesque scenery had stretched out around you as Mulder drove. The three of you practically fell out of the vehicle to be greeted by a farmhouse.

You began to walk towards the property when you felt Mulder gently grasp your wrist “There’s one thing you should both know.” he let go and the three of you formed a mini circle. “it apparently likes to project your biggest weaknesses when confronted, it uses them to get away and distract you. Just be careful.”

His eyes locked with yours and you nodded. Mulder was the one to lead the group into the house and made some hand gestures to suggest splitting up.

You slowly walked through the house, your footsteps echoing on the floorboards. The house was run down and abandoned but the light streaming through the windows gave it some life. It was abandoned but certainly not empty.

A creak in the next room caught your attention, slowly creeping into the room you laid your eyes immediately on the culprit. They were incredibly tall and had a rugged appearance but were backing themselves into a corner.

“Hi. I’ve heard that you’ve been causing some problems,” you spoke as you approached carefully. “That’s ok though, we can help you. You might be confused but if you just come with me and my colleagues.”

Your foot landed on a particularly loud floorboard and the person took an abrupt step towards you before slamming themselves back into the wall. “It’s ok. It’s ok it was just the floorboard.”

They started to shake their head violently before stopping and looking you dead in the eye. “Please” you pleaded.

You started to hear a heartbeat and brushed it off as your own, thinking you were getting nervous. “If you’d just come with me.” you took another step closer and the heartbeat got louder and very present in your ears. 

You took another step forward and it was soon rushing away from you and knocking over some of the last pieces of furniture in the house.

You kept your distance but turned with them. “Please just don’t be scared.”

The heartbeat was getting louder and you could hear your name being called and footsteps running up the stairs. Soon the heartbeat was so loud you couldn’t hear much else.

“Y/N?” Mulder came into the room and saw the ‘Monster’ but his eyes quickly found you and he could quickly see how uncomfortable you were. “What is it?” 

The man’s heart spiked in concern and the heartbeat that you could hear mirrored this. As he came closer it became unbearable. You knew what was happening and put out your arm to keep him away from you “Keep your distance.”’

The noise was pounding through your head. Usually, you found it comforting and you suppose there was comfort in the sounds but the amplification of them made them difficult. It was truly turning your biggest weakness into something unpleasant.

“What is it?” Mulder tried to take a step towards you.

Looking at the man you could see the concern in his eyes and the heartbeat became irregular, all you could do was shake your head and step away. “My weakness it’s-”

He wanted to help and his feet were instinctively moving towards you.

“Stop.” you shouted.

The man stopped in his tracks as you walked away “I can’t” you could feel yourself getting emotional, heat rising in your face and eyes getting wet. “Just deal with it.” you called.

“You need to tell me what you’re weakness is.” Mulder spoke.

“It’s… It’s you. Your heartbeat.” You reversed yourself into a corner.

Mulder looked between you and the creature. “And it gets worse the closer I get?”

You nodded and tried to ignore the heartbeat but it was extremely difficult.

Mulder started to approach the monster, there was a screech in your head and the heartbeat amplified more as if the monster was taking it out on you. You backed into a wall and slid down it, hands over your ears trying to gain some relief.

Mulder turned when he heard you sliding down the wall and realised how much you were being affected. Backing up he stood in the corner of the room. The heartbeats amplification lessened and you removed your hands but your eyes were reddened and threatening tears.

“Look. Just stop what you’re doing and come with us. We won’t hurt you, we’ll help you understand what’s happening.”

They took a step into the room. “That’s it. Just come with me to the car and we’ll get you somewhere where they can look after you.” Mulder coaxed

You began to push yourself up off of the floor when you heard a scuffle. Dana had come in through another door and crept up on them and injected them swiftly with a sedative which had them falling to the floor.

Mulder was at your side, putting an arm on the small of your back “It’s gone right?” 

You nodded “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologise I can’t even imagine.”

“Thank you Dana.” you smiled 

“He won’t be out for long, we should get someone to come collect him.”

Mulder nodded “Do you have any contacts?”

Scully nodded and was soon leaving to arrange a pick up

You moved to be beside Mulder “I think I have to explain what happened.”

“You don’t.” 

“I do.” the man moved to perch himself on the old dusty desk and you sat next to him “I use heartbeats to overcome anxiety and … well I’m pretty much in love with the sound. I think it chose your heartbeat to amplify because I think I like you Mulder. What happened there basically confirms it.” you let out a small laugh.

“If we’re putting all our cards on the table here.” he looked at you and you turned to him “I have many weaknesses including losing the ones I love and it used that and also used you. When I was walking through the house I saw bodies on the floor and most of them were yours. I kept going because I knew this he hadn’t physically killed anyone yet but when I saw you in pain and couldn’t have me near you? That really hurt.”

You nodded and looked at your hands “So what we’re both saying here is that we have feelings for each other.”

“I guess so.” he let out a breath “Will you let me take you for dinner tonight?”

You nodded “That’d be nice. I think we deserve it.”

“We do.” he smiled and stood up “I think we should probably get out of here before he wakes up.”

“Yeah, we should.” The two of you walked side by side as you left the property to meet Dana by the car, Mulder couldn’t wipe the smirk off of his face.

“They’re on their way to come get him.” She turned to face Mulder properly “What’s got into you?” Scully questioned

Mulder just shrugged and walked over to the driver's side of the car and slid inside. Scully rolled her eyes “Looks like we’re leaving.” She opened the passenger’s side door as you got into the back.

As Scully’s contacts pulled up Mulder began to pull away. He briefly made eye contact with you in the rear-view mirror and smiled and you flashed him a smile of your own.

Tag List: (open)

Fox Mulder:

[hogwartsfirebolt]

Hello everyone! I’m back for my (omg time flies) third yearly drarry rec list, in which I share with you my 30 favorite drarry fics I read in the year, divided in three parts. What a year 2020 was. It was challenging, scary and confusing, and it was also an amazing reading year for me, I read so, so much more than I ever had before, and I’m really excited to share these masterpieces with you! The banner art is by @dragontamerdame who is one of my favorite artists and was kind enough to let me use this beautiful piece, which you can (and totally should) reblog right here. Now, with nothing else to add and in no particular order, here’s my

FAVORITE FICS I READ IN 2020 PART ONE

1. Who we are in the shadows - @quicksilvermaid - 100k - E - What happens when you’re forced to become the very thing you despise? Ex-Auror Harry Potter, tossed out of the Ministry for something he had no control over, has been looking for a way back to his former life. When he comes across Draco Malfoy in the criminal underbelly of Wizarding London and in need of protection, Harry figures bringing him in to face the Ministry's justice is his ticket back to everything he's lost. But nothing is exactly as it seems. Not even Harry himself. And as he gets drawn further and further into Malfoy's world of honour and deception he finds himself questioning everything he thought he knew—about his childhood nemesis, the Ministry job he misses so much, and most of all, about himself. What happens when you’re forced to see that you were wrong?

THIS FIC!!! It was the first one I read in 2020, and it immediately became my favorite fic of the entire year, and one of my favorites of all time. I have since read it two more times, the entire 100k of it. There are absolutely no words to describe how amazing it is, how much it floored me to read their characterizations, their jobs and the roads life took them on to end up where they end up, the connection between them in a time when they don’t even know how to relate to anyone, their sorrow and struggles which, despite being so rooted in the magical world, are painfully human, just... wow. It’s a masterpiece. It changed the way I view their characters, forever, and I suspect I will read it many, many more times in the years to come. It’s that kind of story. If for whatever reason you haven’t read it, this is your sign to take that chance and embark on this amazing journey. 

2. Every Kingdom - @thistle-verse - 7k - E - Every kingdom needs a prince. Every prince needs a good and useful knight. Draco and Harry play their parts and renegotiate some borders while they’re at it.

So, so lovely. Even though I don’t read them very often, alternate universes fascinate me so much, and I am in awe of the author for being able to pack so, so much story, so neatly into 7k words. This features a princely, lonesome Draco, a charming, golden Harry, and a blossoming love that could change everything. It’s beautiful, and I recommend it deeply.

3. The Bucket List - GallaPlacidia - 32k - Draco will die in six months if he can't get Harry Potter to fall in love with him. Since that's not going to happen, he might as well spend his last days working through his Bucket List. Tap-dancing lessons? Rock climbing? Poetry-writing? Threesomes? Cocaine? Getting to know his adorable cousin, Teddy Lupin? Draco will try them all! Feat. Cheerily pessimistic Draco, devoted bitch queen Pansy Parkinson, and a Harry who can't help but notice that something seems DIFFERENT about Draco, these days.

I’m positive that many, many of us got acquainted with GallaPlacidia’s writing this year, and I, too, fell in love with it. This story aches in the most beautiful of ways, the humor happens to be somehow light in such a difficult circumstance that it ends up hurting when you laugh, it hurts when everything is right because it’s also wrong, it aches when it’s supposed to be a happy moment and feels tender and sweet when it’s not. I can’t even imagine the challenge of writing this kind of story, and they pulled it off beautifully. It’s a lovely story, one you will take with you long after you finish it, and, personally, I think it’s a great introduction to the author’s writing. 

4. halcyon days - @the-starryknight - 1.3k - T - Sleepy mornings caught while the sun rises are reserved for silly word games and soft touches and feelings.

Oh my god, the amount of tenderness in such a low wordcount made me weak in the knees. I almost couldn’t take it. Being able to convey such a deep emotional connection in a short story seems like such a daunting task, and the author makes it seem almost effortless. I guarantee that this will make you bring your hands to your chest and sigh with how lovely it is. Reading it will be the best ten minutes of your day. 

5. Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon - @drarrytrash - 37k - E - According to Harry’s personal narrative regarding the incident, he’d hooked up with Draco Malfoy for purely self-destructive reasons, or out of convenience, or by some unlucky accident. Looking at him, sprawled in the moonlight, Harry is devastated to recall that he’d hooked up with Draco Malfoy because he’s hot. Draco is a secret werewolf and Harry is doing his best and they've got criminals to catch, darn it.

Reading this, I found myself laughing out loud, nodding profusely with how freaking spot on the characterizations are. The dialogue is amazing, so hilarious and real and Harry’s inner monologue is so, so him. I love everything about this story. I have a soft spot for werewolf fic, and this one hit everything I love about it, the case is interesting and engaging, the incidental characters, the OCs, Ron and Hermione, everyone and everything is absolutely perfect and I had an absolute blast reading it. You HAVE to read this and see for yourself what I’m talking about. 

6. Sex Ed for Aurors - curiouslyfic - 8k - M - Some things, you need to learn on the job.

Oh my god this is so freaking good. The premise is, basically, that Harry is accidentally doused with a lust potion while in the vicinity of Draco, and suddenly wants him more than anything. I loved this take on that trope, we’re in Harry’s head, and it’s absolutely hilarious and endearing to experience the near childish glee he feels whenever Draco looks his way, when he smiles, when he feels he’s made him happy, meanwhile Draco and Ron are horrified and doing whatever they can to correct it. This is so funny and such a good time, I can’t recommend it enough! While you’re at it, you should definitely read megyal’s remix of this, which is also a blast. 

7. plasticine porters with looking-glass ties - @bonesliketambourines - 15K - E - Lately, Harry thinks things don’t seem the same between him and Draco. His head is in the clouds when he thinks about what their relationship is now, and where it might be headed—he’s happy with their friendship, but he wants something else. A potions accident over a lunchtime visit to Draco’s lab (what does he get up to in there, anyway?) changes things, though, and accelerates their relationship faster than either of them had ever expected. How are they going to get through this new development together?

Atmospheric, beautifully-written and delicious. Their relationship is tender, just on the edge of something more, when they’re forced to quarantine together and face the effects of a potion that makes them see and feel things differently, which makes for the most intense, visual, gorgeous sex scene I think I’ve ever read. It’s just absolutely phenomenal. 

8. i wake up falling - warmfoothills - 9k - M - Draco’s always leaving, one way or another. Harry’s usually 240 thousand miles too late.

In trying to come up with a way to summarize this story, I’m feeling the overwhelming urge to cry again, just like I did when I read it. It’s just so, so, beautiful, every single word of it aches in the best way, the longing feels deeply authentic and just, the setting and the jobs and everything is so unique and gorgeous. Every single work by this author is beyond beautiful, but especially this one is incredibly close to my heart and I think everyone should read it. It’s a gem. 

9. In Every Universe - @skeptiquewrites - 27k - M - They sent Professor Harry Potter to search for Unspeakable Draco Malfoy. Draco has stolen a Firebird, an experimental magical device from the Department of Mysteries that lets you enter parallel universes as yourself. As Harry traverses from universe to universe, he begins to think Draco might be the one searching for him. A story about whether knowing what's possible makes it possible.

Stories where the characters find themselves somehow hopping from one reality to another are always so, so fascinating to me, and this one is incredibly creative and well-written, so entertaining all around. The mystery of it kept me on my toes, and every single reality was a joy to read. 10/10

10. Life goes not backward - @shealwaysreads - 8k - T - Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different. A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots. Leaving one life behind isn’t always a sacrifice, and sometimes the greatest good comes from embracing the people you love.

My god, there are not enough words to describe how much this story means to me, how beautiful it is, how every single time I’ve read it, I’ve cried. Bella has undoubtedly become one of my absolute favorite writers in fandom. She has such a way with words, there is not one of her stories that hasn’t touched me, that doesn’t feel like an actual, full-length novel no matter the word count. I read so many of them this year, so many of the masterpieces she’s gifted us, but this one especially is so tender, so dear, that I ended up choosing it as my favorite of hers this year. Harry’s charactertization, the unbelievable warmth of their relationship, absolutely everything about this is gorgeous. Go read it, right now, and then binge all her other works!! You won’t regret it.

---------------------------------

Each of these fics is incredibly close to my heart and I enjoyed them immensely. In the midst of everything changing, I really found comfort and solace in the amazing works of the people of this fandom. I hope they give you the same amount of warmth and comfort they gave me, and I’m ALWAYS here to gush about any of them ❤️ Happy New Year! 

[spencersawkward]

mgg fluff!!! like maybe a super cute romantic date where you both dress up or something like that 🥺

I’ve been writing so much smut the idea of writing a scenario without sex is actually feeling foreign rn WOW lmao ok this was fun to write. here’s some fancy-date pure fluff for you, babe!

summary: Matthew takes reader out for a fancy dinner, and the two make the most of their evening together. 

word count: 2.1k

content warnings: none! short but sweet. 

I swipe the glossy red shade over my lower lip, touching up my makeup before we head out tonight. despite the fact that we’ve been dating for a few months now, the idea of Matthew taking me out to eat-- really taking me out-- is making me positively giddy.

capping the tube and doing a quick once-over in the mirror, I admire the dress I’m wearing. it’s new, something I may or may not have splurged on after work today. it’s a creamy, inky shade, the color of pitch with an open back that I would normally never deign to wear. but something about it, the way the fabric sits against my shoulder blades, makes me confident.

after fluffing up my hair a little, I move into the living room to join my boyfriend. he’s fixing one of his monogrammed cuff links, and he looks up at the sound of my footsteps.

his eyes run over me, the bloom of my mouth and the dress, and he smiles dreamily, not saying anything. my stomach is overflowing with butterflies as I look at him in his suit, so well-dressed. we stare at each other for a moment.

“so?” I grin, walking over to him and running my hands up his chest. “how do I look?”

“you...” his gaze flickers to my pout, then my form. “you’re an angel.”

I reach up and am about to kiss his cheek when I remember that I’ve got lipstick on. “I’ll kiss you later.”

“that’s fine,” he sighs, then takes my hand and spins me around in front of him. “I’m still in shock from how beautiful you are!” he says the last few words in his stupid monster voice, reaching out and tickling my sides while he pulls me into him.

“Matthew!” I squeal, trying to breathe through the laughter. he knows I’m especially ticklish. once he finally relents, I look up at him with a huge smile on my face. sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming with him.

“we’re gonna be late, baby.” he tugs on my earlobe playfully before taking my hand again and leading me into the entryway so we can put our coats on. winter is just starting, dusting the sidewalks with fluffy snow and blowing wind in our faces as we start walking to the car. he holds the door open, as usual, and before long, we’re off to the restaurant.

even though Matthew is a bit of a reckless driver, I trust him. I’ve never told him this, but I love the way he places his hand on the back of my seat and turns around to assess the road behind him before he pulls out. something about it makes my blood warm up. he catches me looking, smiles and asks if I’m okay.

I’m fucking fabulous.

the restaurant is way fancier than I even imagined: cavernous ceilings that drip with chandeliers and walls covered in expensive-looking art. velvet curtains cover the windows, creating a wine-red ambiance of jazz and gentle conversation.

I must look dumb just staring at everything, but Matthew goes to the maitre d’ and gets our reservation ready. we never go on dates this fancy; most of the time, we stay in and binge watch old movies or play board games or just talk. he said he wanted to treat me, though, so I’m more than happy to go along with it.

part of me feels slightly out-of-place as the host leads us to a secluded table, walking past rich-looking couples or groups of people who appear to be socialites. as much as I wish I could blend in with this crowd, I keep worrying that I’m going to trip or somehow break something. elegant situations tend to make me especially clumsy.

once we’re seated and handed our menus, the host leaves us to talk.

“wow.” my eyebrows raise as I check out the options. Matthew looks up.

“what?”

“this place is fancy.” the corners of my mouth tug upwards. some of the items are in French, which makes the process even harder to untangle.

“too much?” he’s a bit wary as he asks, like he’s afraid I don’t like it.

“no, no.” I laugh. “I’m just impressed.”

“you wanna get a bottle of wine?” he asks softly, grabbing the wine menu. I nod.

“sounds good.” I think for a second. “do you happen to speak French?”

“dónde está el baño?” he jokes. before I can stop myself, I reach over the table and hit his arm, both of us laughing. it must be a bit too loud, because a couple people around us turn their heads. I settle back in my seat.

“that wasn’t funny.” I’m giggling.

“I wish I knew French.” he muses, still perusing the wine selection. I sigh.

“honestly, me, too. very sophisticated.”

“are we supposed to pair our wine with our food?” he whispers over the table.

“you think I know the protocol for this kind of place?” I hiss back.

“you know, what? who cares?” he sets down the menu and gives me a resigned smile. Matthew has always been uninhibited, and him deciding to just go with the flow gives me a warm feeling in my tummy. it’s one of the most attractive things about him, in my opinion.  

when the waiter comes to take our orders, Matthew and I just get a merlot and filet mignon, both of us starving. in the meantime, we talk about his day and my day and he tells a funny story about his friend. somehow, he and I always have the best conversations, even if they’re about nothing at all.

literally you could ask us to discuss paint drying and we’d find a way to laugh about it.

“I was thinking... I’m gonna have a vacation soon,” he trails off, the antique ring on his pinky finger clinking against his wine glass. “maybe we could go somewhere?”

“somewhere like...?” I gesture for him to keep talking. he grins.

“you can decide. as long as it’s fun.”

“what? no, you can’t put that pressure on me, Matthew.” I laugh. there are so many places I want to see, and places that I know he wants to see, that I don’t wanna pick the wrong place.

“why not?”

“well, let’s do this,” I sit up more, resting my elbows on the table. the candle in the middle of the table flickers, casting his features in a pretty glow. “you list some places you’d like to visit, and if there’s some overlap, we’ll do that.”

“okay.” he rubs his hands together, then starts to think about it. I wait patiently, sip my wine and start to imagine how many possibilities there are for us. hiking along mountain trails, zip-lining through rainforests. if I’m being honest, I kind of just want to relax.

he breaks my train of thought as soon as he begins to tack off places.

“we could go to Costa Rica, or Croatia, or Mauritius... the Azores...”

“oooh, you know, I’ve heard the Azores are absolutely gorgeous.” my eyes sparkle as I think about the little islands. “and they’ve got these super nice hot springs, too.”

“private hot springs?” he asks me over the rim of his glass. my spine tingles with the implication.

“you wanna fuck in a hot spring?” I almost laugh. he reaches across the table and twines his fingers with mine, thumb rubbing over the back of my hand softly.

“I wanna do it on every continent.” he winks, then pulls away as our food arrives. I try to suppress the heat rushing to my cheeks and regain my composure even though my entire nervous system feels like it’s short-circuiting at the thought.

I try to put those images out of my mind before we thank the waiter, and then we’re staring down at the plates in front of us with surprise. the portions are ridiculously small-- mignon usually isn’t that big, but it’s such a fancy-restaurant-move.

Matthew and I start to giggle to ourselves, picking up our forks and eating. I’m not upset or anything; it’s sort of funny. instead, we share asparagus and dig into the meal.

“do you think they’ll be mad at us for laughing at the nickel-sized food?” I question. it’s really tasty, to be fair, but I have to take small bites so as not to mess up my lipstick.

“for the amount they’re charging, they’re probably the ones laughing.” he replies. I snort, reach up, and he high-fives me.

“that was good.” I concede.

“thanks,” he smiles, wipes his mouth with a napkin before focusing back on me. “so, back to the topic at hand-- are we going to the Azores?”

“only if you want to.” I smile.

“I’m the one that suggested it.”

“okay, then. I guess it’s settled.” I shrug. we set our forks down, done with our food already after about twenty minutes. we start to talk logistics and things we want to do there, excitement building in my stomach the whole time. I love spending time with Matthew-- having him all to myself for a couple weeks sounds like literal paradise.

he looks so pretty right now, too, with his glasses and fluffy hair and the ever-present smile. everything about him exudes positive energy, and I’ll never get over that sensation. I just can’t believe how lucky I am.

“I have an urgent question.” he tells me suddenly, completely serious. I straighten up and frown at him.

“shoot.”

“do you think we can get ice cream? somewhere else?” he asks. I make a face at the way he set me up for suspense, but the relief is overwhelming and my stomach still isn’t full from the small filet. I nod quickly.

he gets the waiter’s attention, pays, and before I know it, we’re walking back to the car.

“thank you.” I nudge his shoulder with my own, both of us bundled up in our coats. he leans down to kiss the top of my head before wrapping his arm around me.

“of course, darling.”

I like his little pet names, how he says them with the kind of sweetness that nearly rots my teeth. even if Matthew didn’t tell me he loved me every day, I would be able to tell just from the way he speaks. like I’m the only girl in the world.

we end up driving to a small ice cream shop by our home, a place that we always visit during the summer if it gets hot and we want sugar. there’s almost nobody inside and we look sort of absurd in our fancy attire, but when I get to the counter to order, I let loose.

salted caramel with oreo crumbles in a waffle cone, piled high. he gets chocolate fudge and we lick at our confections while he pays. it’s so yummy, hitting the spot in a way that a small slice of steak just couldn’t. even though it’s winter, ice cream is always good.

“is my lipstick all gone?” I grin, looking up from my cone to ask. we go to sit in the back room of the shop, which is completely empty.

“mostly, but there’s a little bit...” he grabs my face across the table and guides me to him, sliding his tongue over my lower lip and pulling away to smirk. “got it.”

“uh huh.” I chuckle.

“you taste sweet.”

“you wanna lick?” I offer my cone and he nods, trying it before offering me his own.

“literally how is ice cream so good?” I ask as we go back to our treats. music from the 50′s is playing over the speakers, delightfully saccharine as we just enjoy each other’s presence.

“no idea. but I love the person who invented it.” he says dreamily. “also, sorry about tonight. I know it was kind of a bust.”

“what?” I stop eating for a second. “Matthew, that wan’t a bust!”

“the portions were so small.” he can’t get over this. I snicker to myself.

“sure, but I had a great time.”

“are you sure? I can plan something else special for us.” he gives me puppy dog eyes, afraid that I’m disappointed. I could never be disappointed by a date with him.

“don’t worry about that. let me do the work next time.” I shrug.

“like?”

“like I’ll make an itinerary for our trip. that way you don’t have to stress about activities.”

“you and your itineraries.” he shakes his head slowly, but he’s laughing.

“have they ever failed?” I ask, then tap my finger to my ear as if daring him to reply. when he just smirks in response, I get smug. “that’s what I thought.”

“I love you.” the words come out of nowhere, a heavy sentiment for a light-hearted conversation. every time he says it, I feel it. that deep, burning adoration in my bones. I admire him for a moment.

“I love you, too.”

[maybankiara]

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? (for @ptersparkers writing challenge)

pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

summary: Rafe falls for you at the beach. He’s nothing like they say he is, and he just so happens to turn a new leaf with you.

word count: 2k

additional: this is pure fluff with soft!rafe. doesn’t entirely ignore the addiction and other issues, but doesn’t exactly address them, either.

masterlist | tag list

written for an anon

Rafe Cameron walks up to you at the beach, on a sunny day, with hair styled with a little too much gel, a pair of sunglasses on top of it, a curious smile on his lips, and a reputation that precedes him.

  He greets you with a simple ‘hello,’ and your mind gives you a brief summary of all the things you know about him.

  Being two years older than you, he was at your high school for half of your time there. Most of your friends drooled over his fancy car, polo shirts that screamed American money, and how his tongue was allegedly made of silk. He’s renowned for being a notorious party boy, a massive flirt, and someone who hasn’t faced any legal charges yet because of who his daddy is.

  Personally, you’ve never had any particular opinions on him, but considering he’s now standing mere three feet from you and waiting for a response, the situation is calling for it.

  You decide to smile. ‘Hi.’

  ‘I’m sorry if this seems a little weird,’ he admits, ‘but I saw you from where I was standing with my friends and I had to come say hi.’

  This makes you chuckle, because his cheeks and his nose turn red, and he stumbles over his words. It’s nothing like the suave Rafe Cameron you’ve heard so much about.

  ‘Well, that’s certainly a way to get a girl’s attention.’ You give him a warm smile and extend your hand, which he takes. ‘Y/N.’

  ‘You have a really pretty name, Y/N.’ He repeats your name once more, as if testing the way it rolls in his mouth. ‘I’m Rafe.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’m guessing my reputation precedes me.’

  ‘You’d guess correctly.’

  Rafe makes a grimace and sighs, shaking his head slightly. ‘And here I was thinking I’d make a great first impression.’

  You laugh because there's something so easy and unexpectedly relaxing about the boy in front of you. With his hands in his pockets, a crooked smile to his lips and a sheer layer of redness covering his face, he is nothing like you’d expect.

  So you shrug, leaning against the wooden fence with you arms crossed on your chest. ‘It’s not a bad first impression. I don’t really care about what I’ve heard.’

  An eyebrow shoots up. ‘You don’t?’

  ‘I’m not naive enough to think everything people say is the truth. I like seeing things for myself and then judging them.’

  ‘That’s a smart way to do things.’ He sounds impressed enough to bring an even bigger smile out of you.

  The conversation continues, somehow turning from small talk and introductions into a discussion about the importance of other people's opinions on one's own. It’s a pleasant surprise when you find Rafe as engaged as yourself, with a little wrinkle between his brows whenever he takes a pause to think, or the same crooked but curious grin when you tell him something he finds interesting.

  ‘Don’t your friends miss you?’ you ask, nudging your head in the direction of the two boys he pointed at earlier.

  Rafe glances over, before turning back to you. ‘Is that your way of telling me to leave?’

  ‘Kind of,’ you admit with an apologetic smile. ‘It’s getting late and I only planned on coming here for a few minutes, not almost an hour.’

  ‘Has it been that long already?’

  ‘You know how it goes, time flies when you're having fun.’

  He nods.

  You don’t know if he’s aware of how the opposite of subtle he is, but you’re as far from oblivious as he is from unnoticeable. His eyes glaze over you more than once, with the same curiosity that is in his smile when you speak. It’s a look you’ve seen on many boys’ faces. A mixture of attraction and interest, with a little bit of wonder and perplexity. is she worth my time? the look is asking. is she someone i am interested in?

  If this were all, you wouldn’t have looked at him twice, let alone held a conversation this long. The difference between the look you’re so familiar with and the one on Rafe’s face is that as the conversation goes on, whenever the corner of his mouth quips, the look becomes a little less wonder and a little more certainty.

  It’s this particular thing that lands him a ten-digit number in his contacts, and a promise of a continuation of the conversation. He walks with you until the end of the beach, which is where you leave for the town and he goes back to his friends. He leaves as he came – hands in the pockets of his shorts and a face with a red tinge to it. There is nothing smooth or Casanova-like to him, and it is that very fact that makes you realise that finally, after four years of hearing about him, you finally have an opinion on Rafe Cameron.

  And it is this: nothing you’ve ever heard about him is true.

  ★

The relationship between Rafe and you develops at a steady rate. True to his word, he calls you less than twenty-four hours after your conversation, and it’s one of the very few times you’re glad someone calls instead of texts. He has a nice, soothing voice, and he doesn’t drag out the conversation. It’s more of a confirmation that the promise he gave you was not empty.

  He asks you out after a few days of scarce conversation. He isn’t much of a texter, you notice, and he tells you it’s because conversations over message cannot even compare to those held in real life. You are almost certain that if you the two of you were closer, he’d call.

  It’s not a date. The two of you talk about everything, realising you’ve got some mutual friends. Just like the first time, talking to him is effortless. It makes your brain unwind in a was that is comfortable and soothing – you assume this has something to do with the softness in his eyes when he looks at you.

  Despite your expectations, the curious twitch in his smile doesn’t go away, weeks into hanging out. He’s lived a life different than yours and sometimes, it feels like he’s hearing of struggles of the middle of the chain for the first time. You’re not poor like the people from the Cut, but you’re not Figure Eight–rich, either.

  With time, Rafe starts walking closer, looking at you with the same gaze full of admiration, taking the eyelashes off your face instead of telling you it’s there. It’s the simplest touches, never crossing the line of just friends, even if threading on it.

  When he tries taking you to an expensive restaurant, you stay the night at his place and order takeout instead. His hair stops being gelled around you and you stop putting a lot of effort in the way you look when you come over. Hanging out turns into hanging out, as if there’s something more to it.

  Rafe kisses you on a Tuesday night. You’ve been waiting three months for this, ever since you caught his eye at the beach that sunny day. He’s gentle and reserved, giving you nothing more than a chaste peck.

  It progresses from there. One month down the line, you’re official, and nobody is surprised – even the people you’ve heard talk about him before as if he weren’t the one to be tied down. With you, he has been nothing but gentle and patient, taking things at whatever pace both of you felt comfortable with.

  There are times when you wonder what people think of you, all the same ones who had so many opinions about him that were little other than lies. Of course, you’re not a fool – you know there had to be some truth in them, too. You see it for yourself when Rafe shakes his head at parties to Topper and Kelce and you see them doing lines in the kitchen ten minutes later.

  Whatever Rafe was like before you met him, it doesn’t matter. In the time you’ve been with him, Rafe has started to feel more comfortable on a wider scale. His shoulders tense less when he's around his father, he is kinder to his sister, he doesn’t support his friends doing things that could bring harm to them or to others.

  It doesn’t matter what people say. You know your truth.

  ★

Rafe Cameron likes the beach, even when it’s autumn. He likes to wear tight turtleneck sweaters, usually in dark earth colours, and he likes to wear black skinny jeans, surprisingly. He likes the grey weather, when it’s cloudy and a little chilly, and the breeze pushes away the dry heat of the sun. He likes being cosy, playing rock songs and playing cards.

  This is the opinion you have on Rafe five months into knowing him. You look at the boy in front of you, shuffling playing cards while lying on his side, propped up on his elbow – you can’t picture this being the same person you spent so long only hearing about.

  He catches you looking and darts a card at you. ‘You better be thinking about how you’re going to treat me once I’ve won.’

  ‘It’s not fair,' you say. ‘You’ve been playing the game for far longer than I have.’

  ‘That’s life. It isn’t fair.’

  Rafe smiles and deals the cards. It’s yet another round you lose in a row, but it’s not just because of the lack of experience.

  He takes the cards and puts them away, lowering the volume on the speaker. ‘What’s bothering you?’

  You sit on the blanket with your legs crossed and his fingers playing with the bottom hem of your jeans. It’s cosy, with wind whistling as the background to the song currently playing.

 ‘It’s not bothering me,’ you say, ‘but I guess I’m wondering how someone like Rafe Cameron, the Casanova and Charlie Sheen of Outer Banks becomes the boy who wears turtleneck sweaters and skinny jeans.’

  Rafe laughs with ease evident on his face. He tugs on your jeans playfully, grinning wide. ‘Is that what you’re thinking about right now?’

  ‘You asked.’

  He turns on his back and props himself on his elbows, switching his gaze between the moving sea and you, sitting next to him, close enough to feel the heat of his body.

  One of his hands goes back to your ankle. He traces the skin underneath the jean fabric with his thumb, while his eyes give you the same glint they’ve had in them since the moment you met.

  ‘I thought you didn’t care what others thought of me.’

  ‘I still don’t, but it’s not something that’s easy to forget,’ you confess.

  Rafe gives you one of the modest smiles, shy and tentative. It wrinkles the skin around his eyes and gives him the slightest dimple and lines around his jaw, but it’s all so soft you barely notice.

  It’s the smile you feel like belongs to you only. You wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

  ‘That day at the beach,’ he begins. ‘I saw you standing there, and something in me said that I needed to talk to you.’

  You laugh, because you think he’s joking, but his smile remains earnest and he waits until you stop. The hand that was on his ankle moves to your wrist, his touch just as gentle and soft.

  ‘Please don’t say it was love at first sight,’ you say, because you haven’t even said the words to one another.

  Rafe shakes his head. ‘It wasn’t like that. It was just...’ He scratches the bridge of his nose, sighing lightly. ‘You know when you get that feeling in your chest like everything is possible?’

  You nod.

  ‘It was that.’

  ‘Rafe Cameron, you’re a hopeless romantic,’ you tell him. There’s a smile on your face, and you think about how he hasn’t actually answered your question, but you let him place a kiss on your lips nonetheless.

  He rests his forehead against yours. His fingers are right below your ear now, soft and gentle, like always. His breath is hot against your lips, and you think maybe that saying those three words isn’t going to happen far from this moment.

  He kisses you again, just like that first time, only now you feel him smile into it.

  ‘Not hopeless.’

  ★

tagging. @jjtheangel @teenwaywardasgardian @thelocalpogue @jjmaybanky @sacredto @chasefreakinstokes @drewstarkey @thatsme-johnbookerroutledge @margaritatimebaybee @outrbank @yourlocalauthor @justawilddreamerchild @snkkat @mynamewontwork13 @sunwardsss @storiesbymads @koufaxx @drewstarkeyobx @ilovejjmaybank @jjmaybanksbaby @mahleeyuh @starkeymarkey @nicolewithasoul @kiarawilliams127 @butgilinsky

[snarkwrites]

17.12, kissing booth, sweetpea

Title: kissing booth

Theme: holiday carnival/fair

Fandom / Character(s):Riverdale, Sweetpea x OFC, Alyssa Andrews

Warnings: Swearing, Sweetpea being a smartass, Reggie being an antagonist, and floofy kisses.

Word Count: uhh.. 1k-ish?, roughly.

Look.. I blame my niece for getting sucked into this show and fandom to begin with. I guess I just have a connection and deep love for grouchy types, because when Sweetpea was first introduced I was instantly hooked on the character. This is my daily entry for @champbucks​ 12 days of Christmas. Hope you guys enjoy it. I had a blast writing it. I guess sometimes it’s just fun to write something that’s not purely related to a thirst I happen to have, who woulda thunk it, huh?

Also, again.. I made the banner for this. Don’t steal or repost.

TAGGING:

There’s actually nobody on my riverdale tag list. If you’d like to be on it, let me know on my main to add you or click the lil link below and add thyself.

[ about my writing | masterlist | multifandom tag doc ]

“Oh come on!” Cheryl pouted, tapping her foot impatiently because she knows full well that I’m the only person her demanding and bossing around doesn’t work on. In fact, it usually makes me dig my heels in even more.

“I said I’m not doing it. Why do you want me to take two hours at the booth anyway, Cheryl? We both know there’s probably no one in Riverdale who will line up to kiss me. Can’t Betty or Veronica take the extra hour?” I eyed her, a brow raised.

“Actually, that’s where you’d be wrong, Alyssa. I have proof that you’re the one they’d rather have in the booth for an extra hour.” Cheryl dug around in her backpack and produced a piece of paper. I eyed her and then it, taking it with an amused laugh. “Right. You totally just fabricated this. I’m not doing it, Cheryl. Nope.”

From nearby, Toni spoke up.

“Doing what? What’d I miss?”

Cheryl beamed and went into Toni’s arms, hugging her, taking the paper back from me to show Toni and the two shared a laugh.

And then both of their gazes settled on me expectantly.

“Ah fuck. Look, I said I’d do an hour. That’s absolutely it. I’m already going to spend most of that kissing freshmen or something, shit. That paper proves absolutely nothing, by the way.” I nodded to the paper that Toni was now holding in her hands.

“We don’t have time to argue this. Jughead took Betty home and your brother’s spirited Veronica away. Everyone else has gone.”

“So have I. And I’m still not over that sophomore with the Hoover suction. Do you know that little shit tried to cop a feel?”

“Waaaa.” Cheryl mimicked. Toni leaned in, whispering into her ear and then Cheryl muttered “Interesting.” as her gaze fixed on me again. As Toni walked off, I pinched the bridge of my nose and eyed the empty chair. The booth was on a break right now. The line was pretty small.

Riverdale High needed the money. Taking on a whole other student body recently had pretty much depleted the school’s funds. Everyone else on my team had already gone. I eyed Cheryl as I mulled it over. “Is anyone else going twice?”

“Actually, both Toni and I are. Cheek kisses only, of course.” Cheryl gave me a pleading grin as her words fell away.

I felt a little better knowing that I wouldn’t be the only one being offered up for sacrifice twice. I tapped my foot and dragged my fingers through long red hair, giving it a tug. “Fine.”

Cheryl hugged me and I laughed, letting her. Even hugging back just slightly. “I’ll go take my seat I guess. But I’m telling you, my second turn is going to be a total bust.”

I caught sight of Toni talking to Fangs and Sweetpea over by the hot chocolate booth and I bit my lip, my gaze lingering on Sweetpea for just a few seconds longer than it should’ve. 

,, My fantasy kiss is not gonna happen. I can hang it up.”

That was my last thought before flopping into the chair positioned behind our booth. And nearly as soon as the few people waiting realized that the line was opening up again, they started to push to the front slowly. One or two walked away.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. Three times. Then a fourth. But I wanted to just get my second turn in the kissing booth over with because I’d pretty much resigned myself to the fact that like my first turn, I’d have mostly underclassmen in my line. Or friends of my brother Archie. Luckily my brothers friends seemed okay with just a hug and a peck on the cheek. I hadn’t had to actually… Lock actual lips with anyone.

XXX

Sweetpea watched as Alyssa took her seat at the kissing booth a second time. Toni wandered over, tapping her best friend’s shoulder and nodding towards the booth. “Are you gonna stare all afternoon or grow a pair and get in line, Pea?”

“I’m not taking part in… that shit.” Sweetpea nodded his head in the direction of the booth. Toni reached into her back pocket and smirked to herself while Sweetpea was busy watching Alyssa Andrews get settled into the booth for her second go. “Yeah? Well if you won’t.. I have a long list of guys that Cheryl has spoken to who all seem to say that they’re more than happy to.”

She unfolded the paper right as Sweetpea heard her and focused. He reached for the paper, snatching it from her hands. His eyes darted over the poll and sign up sheet and then settled back on the red-head currently manning the kissing booth.

When his eyes got to Reggie’s name on the list at least three times, his fists clenched tight. He tugged at the collar of his tee shirt. It wasn’t a secret that Alyssa and Reggie liked to flirt back and forth and frankly, it was something that annoyed Sweetpea continuously. To a point where lately, it caused him to stay constantly irritated.

Especially when she’d blow off their little gang of friends to go on drives with Reggie.. Or study. Or grab a milkshake at Pop’s.

“She’s only doing this because she’s part of that stupid cheer thing.” he said it to himself, mostly to keep himself from doing something stupid and crazy and marching over, dragging her away from that booth and telling her that the only guy she needed to kiss was right in front of her. And had been for months now.

“Actually, she volunteered. And she’s the only one people have specifically asked for twice.” Toni shrugged as she tried to stop the laughter. Sure it was a small fabrication in details, but Sweetpea didn’t know that, nor did he need to. What he did need right now was a nudge. Because for one thing, Toni was beyond done with seeing him mope over Josie and their little fling ending. For another, the tension in the room between Sweetpea and Alyssa lately when they were all hanging out was almost unbearable. And rather than stand back and watch her grumpy idiot of a best guy friend let a chance at actual happiness pass him by, she was determined that today was the day. She was going to give him that loving but firm little nudge in the right direction.

Because lately, Alyssa was starting to think that Sweetpea didn’t feel the same way about her as she did about him, hence all the dates with Reggie Mantle. Toni was also sick of watching Alyssa try to feign happiness when lately, she’d been down. Because every attempt she’d made thus far to tell Sweetpea how she felt wound up Sweetpea, bringing up Josie in  conversation.. Or lately, with Alyssa just talking herself right out of it altogether.

Something needed to happen, otherwise someone was going to explode.

Reggie Mantle wandered over, getting into the line for the kissing booth. Sweetpea looked as if it were taking literally every single shred of willpower he possessed not to storm over and make a scene, especially when Reggie smooth-talked his way right to the front of the line almost.

“You know she’s only going out with him a lot more lately because the guy she really wants ahs made himself so hard to be around that we all wanna strangle him most of the time now.. Right?”

“You’re lying.”

“Yeah? Let me show you something.” Toni grabbed her phone and held it out. “Have a read at our text history, Pea. See for yourself.”

Sweetpea took the phone reluctantly. At first, he was skeptical. By the middle of the most recent conversation, about Alyssa blowing them off to hang at the quarry in favor of going to watch Reggie at football practice because he asked and Alyssa admitting that maybe it was time she… Moved on. Got over her huge crush on Sweetpea… He wanted to kick himself.

His eyes fixed on the booth and his jaw set firm.

He knew her well enough to know that she’d never own up to anything she’d admitted to Toni in the texts. And he knew that lately, he’d made it almost unbearable to be around him. Picking fights with her, grilling her about pretty much everything. Just purposely being an ass.

His pride was going to cost him a shot with her if he didn’t swallow it soon. And the thought was not a pleasant one when it settled in his mind.

“Nothing to say, Pea?” Toni teased, flashing him a smirk as soon as she managed to break through his thoughts and gain his attention for a second or two. Sweetpea dragged his hand over his hair, taking a breath or two. Reggie was just about to the front of the line. His gaze fixed on Alyssa, almost as if he were willing her to look at him. Catch him staring.

“If you really want her to know how you feel and not have any doubts, you know what to do.”

Toni’s statement had Sweetpea wandering over to the line for the kissing booth. What Reggie Mantle had in charm, Sweetpea made up for in sheer intimidation skill and a second or two later, Reggie scowled as Sweetpea wound up right behind him in line.

“The hell are you doing, Serpent?”

“I know what you’re not gonna do, Mantle.”

Reggie whirled around, staring Sweetpea up and down. “You think so, huh? Watch and see.”

“I don’t fucking think so.” Sweetpea towered over Reggie, his fists shoved safely inside his leather jacket.

From the front, Alyssa cleared her throat. “It’s,uhh.. It’s your turn, Reggie.” she bit her lip as she looked back and forth between Reggie and Sweetpea. Sweetpea caught her gaze and held it, biting his lip.

After a little digging, he found a badly wadded twenty dollar bill.

Reggie sauntered up to the booth and slipped a five dollar bill down, giving Alyssa a playful gaze as he leaned in for the kill.

And Sweetpea’s fists clenched even tighter in his pocket. He barely managed to bite back a growl. And after about five seconds, he cleared his throat and spoke up, addressing Reggie.

“You’re holding up the damn line, Mantle.”

“I paid, Sweetpea. What are you even doing in the line to begin with, huh? Didn’t we have a talk about this Friday afternoon?” Reggie was body to body with him until Cheryl hurried over.

“Break it up you two!”

XXX

I think when I saw Sweetpea wandering over, my heart fluttered a little and I tensed up all in the same breath. I honestly thought he was coming over just to start something. To heckle me for offering myself up to do this. He looked mad.

Or I thought he did, at least.

When he didn’t start with the heckling and instead, intimidated about ten of the guys waiting in line to let him go before them, I found myself having a harder time focusing on the task at hand. A guy named Ben who played basketball with Archie every few weekends came up and put a dollar into the basket, chuckling as I rose to tiptoe and gave him a friendly and slightly awkward cheek kiss. He pulled me into a hug and muttered into my ear, “The rowdier guys are still waitin, red.. If you want me to hang around… Hell, maybe I should. Archie would kick my ass if somebody got out of line with his kid sister.” 

“Ben, I’ll be fine. I’m perfectly capable of handling things.” I explained, giving him a gentle smile and thanking him for the offer because his heart was in the right place. Reggie was next and I took a deep breath.

Truth be told, I was a little irritated because Reggie doing this made it kind of clear that Reggie was just going to try and find ways to skirt around any boundary I set. I got that this was in good fun, but there was a perfectly good reason I hadn’t really… Kissed him yet. Even when he’s tried to initiate at least two or three times now and each time, I’ve politely declined.

If this were a few months ago, I’d have jumped at the chance. I was shocked at myself when we were sitting in front of my dad’s house and he tried to kiss me the first time and I didn’t go for it then, if I’m being perfectly honest.

Because I’ve always had a soft spot for my brother’s friend Reggie. I guess that’s when it really hit me… After I met Sweetpea, a lot of things changed. And my feelings for Reggie just kind of slowly died.

The argument between Reggie and Sweetpea caught my attention and if I had any actual hope left of Sweetpea being into me like that, it would’ve grown as I listened to the words being exchanged back and forth before clearing my throat.

As I got their attention and for a few seconds, they glared one another down, I found myself kind of wondering what Sweetpea was up to. I honestly hadn’t even thought he’d show up at the carnival. I mean yeah, Toni most likely dragged him, but… He’s in line… For the kissing booth. And not just any line, my line.

My brain seemed to start working then and it hit me that in a few seconds, I was going to have to kiss Sweetpea.

,, I’ll give him a peck on the cheek. Because if I had my way and gave him a real kiss, things would get so awkward between us, holy shit..” the decision was made and I felt a little better.

Reggie finally approached the table and I bit my lip, eyeing him. I could feel Sweetpea’s intent stare burning a hole right through me, even as I pretended to be happy and interested in the kiss I was about to give Reggie.

Maybe knowing Sweetpea was watching was what made me decide to settle with a clumsy corner of the mouth kiss. Reggie muttered quietly against my mouth, “Red?”

“Sorry, I just.. I thought I could but I can’t.” I muttered so that Reggie could hear me. 

Reggie gave an understanding nod and smiled, shrugging “It’s cool. Do you wanna meet up later?”. I shrugged and told him I’d text him when I left the carnival if I felt up to hanging out or going to Pops and he walked away from the kissing booth, leaving me frustrated at myself and panicking a little because naturally, Sweetpea was next.

For a few seconds, I felt bad about the half hearted attempt. Especially when I thought back on just how wrapped up in Josie Sweetpea had been and just how little I’d given him hell for it in comparison to how much hell he’s put me through for going on a date or two with Reggie lately.

I zoned out a little, mostly just trying to pull myself together and in that time, Sweetpea stepped up and smacked a 20 dollar bill down on top of the table, gazing down at me expectantly as he swallowed hard and dragged his hand over his hair.

I eyed the 20 dollar bill and eyed him. “I,uhh.. A kiss on the cheek is only a dollar.”

,, you seriously open your mouth and say that?”

“Obviously, that’s not what I got in line for, princess.” Sweetpea muttered quietly, licking his lips as his gaze settled on mine. I gulped and I swear, it felt as if all the air got sucked right out of the space between us. I dragged my hand through my hair and raised a brow as his eyes left my lips and settled on mine, locking me in a gaze.

“Is this a joke?” I muttered quietly, dazed.

“I believe somebody once told me I have zero sense of humor, so no. No it’s not, doll. You gonna kiss me or not? I paid.” Sweetpea’s tone took on a hint of teasing and I felt my stomach starting to flop lazily, just like it always does when he’s in the rare mood to tease and make it hard for me to tell whether he’s flirting or just being a teasing ass.

I usually play safe and put my money in him simply being a teasing ass, but right now, I wasn’t sure what he was up to at all.

The way he was looking at me right now did not feel like Sweetpea teasing. The look in his eyes was downright hungry. 

“I..”

From the back, Reggie heckled. “What the hell makes you think she wants your disgusting Serpent mouth on her, man?”

I grumbled to myself quietly, frustrated because apparently, I was going to freeze up. “You don’t have to..” I trailed off. Sweetpea chuckled to himself and leaned across the booth, his hand tangling in the hair at the back of my neck, tugging at a handful as he pulled my mouth against his. His tongue trailed slowly over the outline of my lips and I whimpered quietly. The palm I had resting flat against his leather jacket wound up curling in it instead. His hand settled on my hip, guiding me partially over the table and halfway out the opening of the booth that we’d been leaning through.

I could feel my face heating up as people started to catcall and whistle and slow clap. When somebody said “Oh shit. Listen man, I don’t wanna die, I think I’ll just.. Wait for Cheryl to take over in a little bit.” I barely heard it, but I couldn’t help smiling into the kiss.

The kiss broke and I slowly raised my hand to my mouth, wiping the back of it across. I was beyond stunned at the moment. At a total and complete loss for words. But when Sweetpea leaned back in and pecked my cheek before whispering with a laugh, “Go on.. Finish working your kissing booth, princess.” and copped a feel, I bit my lip before pouting at him.

“What’s that mean?”

“It means, I’m gonna stick around. Keep these fuckin knuckleheads left in line from getting too much enjoyment, princess.”

“Oh, it does, hm?”

“I mean.. Unless you have a different idea as to why I kissed you like that, Red.” Sweetpea teased, smirking at me for a few seconds.

I eyed him and he muttered quietly, “Later.. We’ll talk, doll. The kiss was just something to think about.”

And somehow, god help me, I don’t think I’ll be able to get it off my mind for the rest of my time left to go in this booth...

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[snarkwriteswrasslin]

summer sizzle |morningafter ;mjf

Honestly, I don’t know where this one came from beyond my burning desire to write shower smut and to pick up the morning after the one shot that this is based on, Soft. That’s also smut but sometimes it be like that. Since today has been pure and utter shit.. I thought I’d just retreat to my docs and at least attempt finishing this up to post. If you haven’t read Soft, you might want to. Because it’s heavily alluded to in this.

[ prompts ]

Prompts are not mine. They come from several lists I’ve saved and mashed together. I need to sit myself down and find the links and I fully intend to. But in the meantime, I give all the credit to those wonderful prompt makers we have on here. The scenario and the original female character is the only thing I own here.

Prompts are as follows: Showering together + against the wall + wet + height difference kiss + “I heard shower sex is dangerous, but right now, I’m willing to take the risk.” -

[ warnings ]

18+ only. There is smut here. If that’s not your thing, pls keep moving. If you’re underage, please keep moving... Beyond this obvious blanket warning, there is also unprotected sex in the shower. body fluids. maxwell again, being an actual softie. yes, that warrants a warning. Swearing. That’s about it, tbh.

[ tag squad ]

@kyleoreillysknee

@rampagewriting

@writertoo18

@thatnerdwriter

@wrestlingismyguiltypleasure

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@waywardwrestlewritingwaif

@sassymox

@mondaynightmcintyre

@wardl0w

@unabashedwrestlefics 

@cowboyshit 

@adampage

@mafiadaddypaulheyman​

@wrestlingthot 

[ tag doc - about - masterlist - part one to this (m rated also) ] 

                                       morningafter, mjf

Maxwell was still sleeping. I pried my body free from his and sat up in bed, stretching. Last night had been… Something completely unexpected. My mind was still blown. Lines had been crossed but.. I didn’t know what today held in light of it.

In preparation for any curve balls that might come my way, I slipped out of bed, gathering some clothes and stepping into the bathroom quietly. I stripped off of the button down shirt of his that I’d worn to bed, carefully draping it over a towel rack as I yawned and took a second to look at myself in the mirror.

My fingers raised, settling against a line of purple and deep red love bites littering the front of my throat and I bit my lip, allowing the smile to take over. I turned on the sink and splashed some water on my face to attempt waking up a little bit. Then I turned my attention to the shower and bent down, reaching for the handle labeled hot, turning it on.

As the steam started to fill the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and spat in the sink, lowering my head to catch water directly out of the faucet.

I stood up, reaching for a hand towel to wipe my mouth and my eyes met his in the mirror’s reflection. He leaned in the doorway lazily, just staring at me with hints of that soft and cocky smirk on his face for a second or two before stepping closer, his chest pressing right against my bare back and making my breath catch in my throat as his hands worked up and down my sides. My head fell back against his chest and he used that to his advantage, burying his mouth in my neck, his teeth catching at skin and leaving yet another mark behind. “Rolled over and you weren’t there, princess.” the pout formed against my neck as he whispered. His eyes locked on mine in the mirror and he continued quietly, “Kinda worried that you’d left or something.”

Just the look in his eyes when he said it gave away the fact that he didn’t want me to leave. I smiled at the thought and bit my lip, breath catching as rough hands moved over soft skin. God his hands feel so good all over me. This was something that if allowed to, I was definitely going to enjoy getting used to.

I could feel his cock standing up already, poking me from behind as his hand disappeared between my thighs and I whimpered, barely managing to get out my response. “I didn’t want to, ah… oh god that feels so good.. I didn’t want to wake you up.” my words came as more of a question.

This was still shaky territory for me.

I know what he said the night before, but I also know that I’ve been hella wrong in the past about people. So I was playing it by his cues.

And right now, it seemed like nothing was going to change.That small sliver of hope I allowed myself to have the night before only grew more. And I decided not to stop it. That maybe it was time to trust myself and let myself fall.

His hips rocked right against my ass and my torso dug into the counter I stood in front of. “Do you wanna take a shower with me?” I managed to get the question out as his fingers worked me open and his thumb pressed against my clit and started to rub in circular motions. I rocked myself right back against him, a quiet moan echoing off tile walls.

“I’m in here, aren’t I, princess?” he answered my question with a groaned question of his own as I turned to face him, my breath catching when I felt the way his cock grazed against my thighs. If I thought I was wet before, I was flooded now. His hands drifted down my body, settling on my ass and he sat me on the counter’s edge, stepping between my legs and leaning in, his mouth conquering mine hungrily. My hand raised, fingers catching in his hair and tugging at it. 

“I’ve heard that shower sex is risky but right now I’m willing to take that risk.” his statement came in a soft growl against my skin as he scooped me off the counter and stepped into the shower. My back met the wall and water cascaded down on us from above, making him flinch when he realized how hot it was. He eyed me and then shaking his head, he reached out for the faucet marked cold and turned it on just a little to cool the heat in the water. His mouth caught against mine again and he stared at me with that look in his eyes. 

Adoration. Something I wasn’t used to seeing at all. Something that according to others, Maxwell severely lacked.

His cock grazed right against my throbbing heat and I moaned out loud, rocking myself in his grip so that I rubbed against it all over again. He chuckled into the kiss that still hadn’t broken, that cocky smirk coming easily.

“I’ve got you, princess. There’s no way in hell I’d let you slip.” he chuckled when I tensed just a little because I thought I felt his grip loosening like he was about to drop me. My legs went over his arms and I felt his cock graze carefully between my folds, drawing a needy whimper out of me. I clung to him just a little tighter, and this time, it wasn’t just for the safety factor.

It was because his skin against mine felt so fucking amazing. So right. A droplet of water beaded at his forehead and rolled lazily down our noses between us and he muttered softly against my mouth, “Still in shock that last night actually happened.”

“Me too.”

“In a good way, right?” He pulled his face away from mine slightly, searching my eyes for an answer that I gave seconds later when I gripped his chin, needily drawing his mouth back against my own. “In a really good way.”

“Great. Fucking awesome.” he muttered as his tongue slipped past my lips, tangling with my own. As he pushed himself into me, I nipped at his lip, a soft sigh hanging in the air briefly to be swallowed by our mouths. The water hit an area of his back that I’d dragged my nails down the night before and he shivered, tensing up a little, muttering with a quiet laugh, “You really dug your nails in, princess. It felt that good, hm?”

“I think the neighbors on either side of us can attest to exactly how good it felt, Maxwell. But” I deepened the kiss, bouncing on his cock and whimpering as it pushed in even deeper, “yes. The answer is yes.”

“You haven’t felt anything yet, princess.” he responded, a cocky smirk playing at his lips as we pulled apart to breathe a little, our breath shaky and our eyes locked on one another staring. Almost in awe.

He slammed into me slower and harder and my nails dug into his shoulders as my legs clenched. I could feel an orgasm starting to build. The fact that I was so wet and ready for him that I could hear each slow and deep, wet drive his cock made deep into my cunt only made me so much wetter.

 He was slipping out a little, quiet growls and nips at my skin each time he did so. “So fucking wet, princess. I’ve barely done anything yet.” he gasped against my neck as his mouth bore down, lips latching onto skin to leave another string of hickies littering the surface of my skin.

My head fell back, the back of it resting against the tiled shower wall and my breath caught in my throat as I slammed myself up and down on his cock, trying to get more.. Harder.. Faster. Every time I tried, he’d shake his head and slow all the way back down again and by this point, all I wanted to do was cum, I was aching and a breath away from begging for it. 

“A perfect fit. Fuck.” he gasped as he started to pick up the pace, really trying to plow me into the wall at this point, “A million times better than I ever imagined. Gonna got so fucking addicted, princess.”

My heart fluttered a little and I felt my cheeks burning at his words. Teeth tugging at his top lip I muttered with a soft laugh, “You thought about this?”

“All the time. Among other things.” his voice was a low growl against my skin as his hands splayed across my ass and his fingertips really dug in, pumping me up and down harder on his cock. 

Lust-blown brown eyes locked on mine and he tilted his head forward, his forehead resting against mine, the sound of our heavy breathing and quiet groans and whines being swallowed up by the deep kiss that came and the water beating down on us from overhead. The sudden shock of a cold rush of water covering our bodies had Maxwell fumbling around and trying to turn off the shower before ultimately stepping out and sitting me on the counter, fucking into me all over again.

I wrapped my legs around his hips and pressed against him, clinging. My head fell back as I felt his cock bottom out deep inside, striking right up against my g-spot and making my entire body shiver before tensing up. It was almost to a point now where it took literally everything in me not to cum. 

My teeth dug into his bare broad shoulder and he groaned my name, his hands on my hips, pumping me up and down on his cock faster, his hips slapping against mine and the noise echoing as his thrusts became more erratic, his groans needier, our wet bodies slapping against one another with every single deep stroke. I gripped his chin and guided his mouth against mine all over again just to keep myself from outright screaming as I rocked myself against his thrusts, struggling to keep up the blistering pace.

“Maxwell, oh. Ah- ah fuck. Right there. C’mon baby.” I breathed as my mouth half crashed messily against his own all over again and he really started to plow into me, “Need to let go. Fuck… Please?” 

“Almost, princess.” he groaned, his fingers now gripping me tight enough to leave marks behind that I could already feel forming. “Can’t fucking wait to feel you clinging to my cock.” he groaned, lowering his mouth down to my chest, his thrusts slowing down a little, making me whimper and whine and rock against him frantically.

As his teeth sank and scraped lightly against my skin, he muttered quietly. “Now, baby. C’mon.” and he didn’t have to say it a second time. My orgasm shattered through me, I clung to him, my lips dancing all over his face and settling lazily against his mouth after I guided his mouth back up to mine. “I don’t want to fucking stop.” he drawled against my mouth quietly, his eyes meeting mine. 

My head fell back and I whimpered, a loud moan following as I clumsily rocked my hips to meet his slower and messier thrusts, bodies smacking together, my legs squeezing his waist just to drive him in so deep that I could feel him bottoming out all over again. My pussy vised his cock, flooding it with my juices and I could feel his cock twitching, throbbing a little as he slowed to an almost stop, pulling my mouth against his for a deep and slow and biting kiss, his seed emptying out, filling me up and making me whimper and sigh softly as he filled me. 

He stood there a few seconds, letting me cling to him, his mouth moving soft and slow over my neck and throat, my tits and finally, when I whined enough, his mouth crashed against mine and he muttered softly, “So much for a hot shower..” as I laughed softly against his lips, nodding my head in agreement.

[incomprehensiblelentils]

@dollsome-does-tumblr​ does this and opened it up to anyone and I am feeling chatty today SO!

Because I co-write a lot with my lovely wife, I might answer some questions including those co-written stories, or I might not, depends on how I feel when I get there.

name:

Megan but I go by Lentils most places on the internet, Shadowcrawler over on AO3

fandoms:

at the moment: MCU, especially Agents of SHIELD and Daredevil; Terminator: Dark Fate; Halt and Catch Fire. Oh and I wrote Dollhouse fanfics a thousand years ago. Sometimes I will watch a movie/show and think “those two girls should be gay” and bang out 2k of fic about it and then never write for that fandom again. (I THOUGHT this was going to be HACF but as it turns out, no, it’s not done with me yet.)

where you post:

AO3, at Shadowcrawler. I also have a tumblr @lentils-writes​ where theoretically I post links to fics/advertise them in the tags, because I used to be real precious about not putting porn on this blog, but fuck it.

most popular multi-chapter fic:

Co-written, it’s definitely mallverse, which is I think the reason most writers definitely hate us because it’s very long and there are a lot of tags lmao. The problem is that every tagged character HAS shown up in a significant fashion at some point so we can’t just...untag them! It doesn’t update weekly anymore because we’re exhausted by life lmao so at least there’s that???

As for a multi-chapter fic that was just me, I don’t tend to do that so much, so actually it’s say you will, my 3-chapter Endgame fix-it where Clint dies instead of Natasha and Natasha and Laura have a past. It actually has over 1000 hits which is very exciting! I feel like it’s...niche in a way that is frustrating but understandable lol. I put a lot of my heart into it and some people really liked it, so that’s gratifying.

favorite story you’ve written so far:

Co-written, I think our SHIELD Dollhouse AU is very underrated for the amount of work we put into it. Author bias evident here because I love Dollhouse warts and all, and it’s a lot of fun translating episode plots as well as the general trajectory of the show into stuff that will work with SHIELD characters. We don’t just rewrite episodes, we really try and rework them as needed. Also it features both Skimmons and my beloved rarepair Bobbi/Kara, though of course they won’t get together until later.

Of my own stuff, I’m still really really proud of the AU where Kara Palamas didn’t die. I think that was a pretty severe misstep of the show and I think I did a good job of fixing it. (I haven’t forgotten Kara, promise!)

fic you were nervous to post:

lolololol I wrote some uh. Terminator pornography last year and. They are very porny! I had co-written a bunch of smut obviously, but that was the first time I’d posted like, PWP all by myself on purpose??? and that was TERRIFYING. Also I was very nervous to post the Engame fix-it because that was my own personal goodbye/tribute to Natasha.

how you choose your titles:

They are always either song lyrics or jokes (such as Three Lawyers and a Baby, my Daredevil Accidental Baby Acquisition fic). My WIP docs are always titled either obvious shit like “RoseJannah horse girls” or memes like “what if we belonged to a fire cult and we fucked haha just kidding unless...?” or “Morgan has two mommies.”

do you outline?:

B and I typically outline for the co-written fics, although it’s more often chapter-by-chapter outlines since that’s how we write them. On occasion we’ve fully planned multi-chapter stuff out in advance but that’s less common. Oh and the one-shots are nearly always outlined as well, just to keep ourselves organized.

When I have written planned multi-chapter fics in the past I have used outlines - particularly for the Kara one and I had to do that for the SHIELD Kill Bill AU because I was trying to follow the format of the movie. For things that are allegedly supposed to be one-shots I almost never outline, which turns out to be a terrible idea when they inevitably balloon beyond my control and become 45k like say you will. That one, I wrote out a list of scenes I thought needed to be in it and then I wrote about 75% of those scenes and then I wrote a bunch more scenes I hadn’t planned for. Don’t be like me, kids!

complete fics:

According to AO3, 89 as of right now. Uh, you do not want me to list all of them, here’s a link, I guess!

in progress:

I don’t understand what the difference is between this question and the WIP questions lmao help????

posted WIPs that I have active plans to continue at this time:

Cowritten: mallverse as I said, and its femslash smut oneshots spinoff and character flashbacks spinoff and older characters/teachers spinoff (these get updated, uh, irregularly), the first half of a Piper/Snowflake SHIELD s7 fic that we are planning on finishing the second half of soonish, SHIELD Dollhouse AU, SHIELD Teen Beach AU, SHIELD Buffy AU. You may notice a pattern!

By myself, I have: Have Your Elf a Merry Little Christmas, a Terminator Hallmark Christmas fic that I ambitiously posted the first chapter of in 2019 and then lost steam immediately (I am going to go back to it sooner or later bc I had some cute ideas for it); the SHIELD Fate of the Furious AU that has one chapter to go and which I do intend on finishing eventually; Three Lawyers and a Little Lady, the Daredevil Accidentally Baby Acquisition AU that is literally just cute kidfic and poly avocados and which I have a bunch of ideas for and just need to buckle down and finish some.

posted WIPs that I have given up on:

Lol so there’s a Dollhouse Caroline/Bennett Doctor Who AU that I wrote purely as idfic and which nobody ever cared about except me, and I think that ship has sailed! RIP darlings. I also had an ongoing Skimmons series waaaay back when where I posted oneshots that were like missing scenes or gay readings for each s1 episode, and I just feel like it would be inauthentic to even try and finish it at this point. (It does include the first ever Skimmons fic to be posted on AO3! Really truly, there’s one fic that shows up as older but it’s an ongoing fic and was updated with the tag way after I posted mine.)

exchange fics due soon/unrevealed:

I haven’t done an exchange since like 2015 lololol I am so bad at them. I am currently working on finishing up my MCU Femslash bingo card, very late, and I do have plans for almost all of the remaining squares!

WIPs that live in my fanfic folder and are incomplete and who knows when they’ll be finished:

“RoseJannah horse girls,” which has been put on hold temporarily but is literally just Rose and Jannah being gay while riding orbaks

half of a Daisy/Gwen fic from Marvel Rising because I know they’re not making any more of those but I stg those two were really gay

multiple fics about Elise Nelson-Page including: avocados Halloween with smol Elise, Aunt Elektra very reluctantly taking smol Elise shopping until she realizes smol Elise also likes weapons (she buys her a fake katana), Uncle Frank is a pushover and spoils the shit out of Elise, and baby Elise has a high fever and everyone freaks out but then she gets better and smile at them for the first time (inspired by baby me lol).

coming soon/not yet started:

“Morgan has two mommies,” yet another Endgame fix-it where Maya Hansen did not die in Iron Man 3 and she resurfaces and she and Pepper kiss and eventually she adopts Morgan

Claire and Colleen go on a nice date to get coffee/tea where Danny doesn’t interrupt them goddammit

Bobbi/Kara Warehouse 13 AU which is sort of like “For the Team” but gayer ft. grappling hook

X-Men: Evolution Tabby/Amara fluff

Cameron/Donna character study disguised as smut

Grace proposes to Dani with a ring made out of the metal from her power source and Carl officiates the wedding 

Dani gets horny watching Grace eat a peach and jerks off and Grace ends up hearing her and then they fuck (I have been calling this “the peach fic” in my head but I gotta stop being delicate about it lmfao it is just porn)

B and I have plans to do a Nico/Karolina Jasper in Deadland AU but we keep forgetting

I MUST WRITE FOGGY AND KAREN SADLY FUCKING IN A CHURCH WHILE THEY MOURN MATT THIS YEAR I STG

do you accept prompts:

uhhhhhh I have on occasion written a prompt for someone before but it’s pretty rare and I have enough trouble writing the shit I come up with in my own head lol. but never say never?

upcoming story you are most excited to write:

I’ve got a bit of the Bobbi/Kara Warehouse fic written and it’s nice to go back to that world. Also I’m weirdly excited about the Cam/Donna smutty character study I mentioned above, I have a lot of what I think are good ideas for it and it’ll be fun.

tagging @unwind-myself @swiftzeldas @swashbucklery @loved-the-stars-too-fondly and, if you want to, you!

[st-fandom-imagines]

Life or Death

So this one really got to me, I hope you guys like it!! SOME SEASON 3 SPOILERS! tag list- @tiger-hugger and @hannahmontanabutgayer let me know if you guys want to be added to my tag list! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ Request-anonymous asked: Steve H x reader with the prompts 30, 3, 25, 27, 58, 59, 73, 74? (alotiksorry) super angsty where the reader is injured really bad and thinks theyre going to die so they are saying goodbye to bfSteve? Maybe they dont die in the end but thats up to you. Love your writing btw♡♡♡ 3-“I know it hurts” 25-“I’m scared” 27-“Please stay with me” 30-“Is that blood?” 58-“am I dead?” 59-“look at me” 73-“Please don’t say goodbye.” 74-“you’ve shown me what love can feel like.” ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ Being a good person really sucks sometimes, without thinking you put other people’s needs before your own, you are always trying to help someone, protect them, and shit, was I in deep. Dustin roped Steve and I into this mess last October and now here we are, fighting the mind flayer in teams, trying to stop the world from caving in on itself. Steve and I started out as me being his rebound from Nancy and just that, but after you save each other’s lives so many times, you can’t help but having feelings for the person. We have been dating ever since the snowball, both being there for Dustin, Steve asking me to go with him to chaperone, by the end of the night we were confessing feelings and kissing on the hood of his car. It’s been amazing since then, Steve treats me like a queen, he never makes me feel insecure, he is always coming up with little dates and is always surprising me with little gifts. As I laid in the back seat of Billy’s car, hands tied behind my back, gagged at the mouth, I couldn’t help but cry and hope that for once, just once that Steve wouldn’t be a good person. Billy knew that if Steve could, he would save the kids, or at least give them more time, he would do it. Billy was betting on Steve coming on the rescue, betting that he would come and stop him, in turn, slamming into me as well. So when Billy saw me alone, he took advantage of that and took me with him, no one noticing, everyone radioing to everyone else, trying to figure out where I was, Billy made me radio to them, telling them I had a plan and to keep on track. Billy may have not been Billy but whoever he was or what he was turning into was smart, he knew killing me would hurt everyone, so even if we won the battle, we would all still be hurt. “Okay, show time.” I heard him laugh from the front seat as I heard Nancy yell at Jonathan to get the car started. Billy broke, just for a second, tears falling from his eyes. I felt the car slam on the gas, my crying only getting harder as I heard gunfire from Nancy who Billy was probably aiming for. Before anything else could happen, I felt the front of another car, hit Billy’s car, glass shattering all over me, cutting my face and body, a big shard stuck in my abdomen, lucky enough for me, one of the pieces of glass cut my mouth gag. As soon as I could catch my breath I began to scream, knowing that someone was bound to hear me. “Steve! Robin! Nancy! Jonathan! Anyone, please!!” I cried out before the door by my feet flung open, and I felt myself getting pulled out of the crushed car. “Is that blood?” I heard Robin ask as I looked down at my feet and saw Steve pulling me out with tears in his eyes. “Fuck, shit, I should have known something was up.” Steve crying as he pulled me fully out of the car, seeing me bleeding from many different places, pain spread across my face. All I could feel was pain, fear and tears and it was killing me to know that Steve did this, and I knew he was going to blame himself but I would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. “Quick! Get in!” Nancy yelled as she popped the trunk of the car, Steve picking me up bridal style and walking over to the car, hopping in the back with me in his arms, Robin helping him get me in the car with the least amount of blood loss. I felt Robin reach under me, breaking the zip ties that were on my hands, I immediately, touched my stomach, the main source of pain coming from that. "Steve, I'm scared." I groaned as I looked at my hands, that were covered in blood. My head was in Steve's lap, feet next to Robin who was looking at me in pure shock. I looked up at my boyfriend and I could see his lips moving but I couldn't hear anything he was saying. His face was turned towards the front of the car most likely talking to Jonathan and Nancy. I then turned my head to the back window of the car, seeing the Mind Flayer chasing us. "(Y/N), look at me!" Steve yelled, pulling me back into the car and making me realize that I was only loosing more blood by the second, this might be it for me. "We cant take the glass out or you will bleed out, you just have to hold on for me, okay? I know it hurts, I'm so  sorry." He sobbed moving pieces of blood soaked hair out of my face as he cried down on me. I cupped the side of his face with one of my hands, and smiled softly. "The needs of one, out weigh the needs of many. We knew the dangers, and it worked, the kids are safe. Steve, I love you-" I began but he cut me off, sobs rocking his body, head shaking back and forth. "Please don't say goodbye. You are going to be fine, we are going to be fine. You can't die, our story isn't over." He pleaded making me look at Robin who was still looking at me with wide eyes and mouth open. "Be there for him, make him realize it wasn't his fault, Robin, promise me." I demanded making her nod over and over again, tears welling up in her eyes as well, we had all gotten so close over the summer. I then turned my attention back to Steve who was covering me with a old blanket that was in the back of the car, trying to get my body temperature up as blood poured out of me. "Steve, Steve, please..." I whispered, making him lock eyes with me once again, I had never seen him cry this hard, it was breaking my heart. "Please, stay with me." He begged, resting his forehead on mine, our tears mixing together as they fell from our eyes and ran down my face. "I love you Steve Harrington, I always have and I always will. You have become such an amazing guy, and when this is all over, don't blame yourself, don't let my memory hold you back, live Steve, live for me." I tried to comfort him but he wasn't having it, stubborn till the end. "You are going to be okay, when we get out of this, we are moving in together, we are going to make plans, talk about baby names, fuck, I'll marry you next week, please. Just don't... just don't die. You cant, you've shown me what love can feel like." He cried making me smile, feeling my eyes getting heavy, feeling my body getting weak, I knew Steve loved me, I had no doubt about that, I just hope he can love someone else once I'm gone. I could hear him say my name over and over as my eyes closed, but I couldn't do anything about it, it was my time. ** It felt like only a second, only a second of darkness before my eyes fluttered open and I saw bright light, making my hand fly up to cover the light from my eyesight , groaning at the brightness, well at least I made it to heaven. "Am I dead?" I groaned, hoping someone would answer and much to my surprise, no one did so I turned my head to the right, and I saw Steve asleep in a chair that was pulled up next to me, both of his hands holding onto one of mind. I smiled with tears in my eyes, knowing that I in fact, was not dead. "Hey, loser." I coughed out, clutching my stomach with both of my hands, making Steve shoot up from the chair, feeling the movement. "Oh my god, oh fuck, (Y/N), shit!" He screamed as he cupped my face in his hands, looking into my eyes as if he didn't believe it was really me. My coughing began to stop and he ran towards the door of the hospital room. "Doctor, we need a doctor!" He yelled before rushing back over to me, making me smile softly. He sat down on the bed next to me, kissing my hand, lingering there for a second before sighing in relief. "Did you think you could get rid of me that easily?" I joked making him let out a watery chuckle as tears welled up in his eyes. He ran one hand through my hair, his other hand, holding mine once again. "I really thought I lost you, we got you here just in time." He smiled making me sit up from the bed with wide eyes. "Steve, the kids, Hopper, Joyce, everyone, what happened?" I hoped he would smile yet again but he just hushed me to lay back down, not wanting me to strain myself. "I will explain, but we need to make sure you are okay first, especially if we are going to get married in a week." He joked as the doctor walked into the door with a chart in his hand. I knew Steve meant what he said when I was bleeding to death but I also knew he would wait to marry me until I was cleared and until everyone else had recovered. As the doctor explained to Steve and I what they had to do and what they would be watching for in the next few days, he held my hand the entire time, making me smile, knowing he was going to be here, in sickness and in health.

[marvinhasadhd]

Okay, so I got my prescription about two weeks ago and since then I have already tried Ritalin a few times.

I started with half a pill (so 5mg) and didn’t feel anything. My doctor advised me to do my next attempt on the next day, but I am chronically bad at listening to medical professionals, so I tried a whole pill (or 10mg) on the afternoon of the same day I tried the first one.

I decided to take it, because our work had been cancelled (I currently work as a security at events which are hosted by our city) and so someone had to wait until the security who worked the night shift arrived. I really need the money, so I volunteered to sit around for a few hours and I decided to take the full pill and try reading for a bit, as thats something where I often struggle with being inattentive and getting distracted by just about everything.

And it kinda helped. I just sat down and read for over an hour without looking at my phone or getting distracted in any other way. I used to read a lot as a child, but since the age of 12-13 I slowly stopped reading as much because I could rarely ever focus on the book for longer times, so reading became a bit frustrating, as I now took days, weeks or sometimes even months to finish books which would have taken me hours when I was younger (one of my biggest achievements as a child was that I finished the whole HarryPotter-Series in just one weekend).

So yeah, that was a nice experience. I tried it again two days later, as I wanted to try studying for university, but this time I tried 1,5 pills (so 15mg) and I didn’t feel much difference to the 10mg. I still couldn’t quite focus on the stuff I had to learn and I kept getting distracted by things around me, especially by the clutter on my desk. I really felt the need to do something about that and so I cleaned my desk. And once my desk was finally free of everything that didn‘t belong there, I cleaned the floor, the kitchen, the bathroom, I did my laundry and I collected all the cat toys and also cleaned all the places my cats like to hang out in of their hair. Once that was done, I tried to learn again and I noticed that I could focus a bit better, but most importantly I noticed that I just managed to keep my focus on doing a cleaning of the whole flat without making any breaks to watch youtube or check twitter or anything. I didn’t even think about my phone, while I did all that. That was kinda crazy, as just about everyone who knows me would describe me as a perfect example of a smartphone-addicted person.

The next day, I tried to learn again and I took two whole pills (aka 20mg or the maximum dosis my doctor allowed me to do before I visit her again) and I noticed that while I could actually focus better, I would also focus very strongly on anything that distracted me. I found one of my cats toys (a self-made mouse) had been ripped and while I was already trying to focus on learning, I just had to get my sewing kit and repair the mouse before I could even think about anything else. So my focus became much better, but also I would focus very strongly on any possible distraction.

The next day my girlfriend arrived and so I didn‘t take Ritalin for a few days, as I know that she isnt too big of a fan of it (that one Netflix-documentary apparently made Ritalin seem like its pure crystal meth) and also I think I shouldn’t need stimulants to be able to focus on my girlfriend. I love her and I always try to give her my fullest attention, so I let the pills in my medicine-cabinet.

Once she was gone again (she has a summer-job in another state, so we only see each other for a few days each week), I tried studying again and so I took two pills in the morning, cleaned my whole learning environment before the effects kicked in and then I actually was able to focus nicely on cell-biology. And ya know, what can I say about that except „The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell“?

Later that day, when the effects already had worn off, I noticed that I also experienced the so-called rebound effect (=symptoms being a bit stronger than usual once the effects of the medication wore off), but as I wanted to continue studying, I decided to take two more pills. So I went to the bathroom, took one, noticed that I had to clean the cat-toilet, cleaned it, forgot that I had already taken one and took two. So I was at 3 whole pills or 30mg of Methylphenidate, which was 1,5 times the maximum dose my doctor told me to take. And then I remembered that I had made plans with a friend to come over and catch up, as we hadn’t seen each other since the whole pandemic started.

So yeah, once he arrived two hours after my accidental intake of 3 pills, I was really focused on what he said and I must say, I felt a mental clarity I usually never felt in normal situations. I also felt a bit more energetic than usual and I experienced the suppressed appetite (which apparently is a rather common side-effect) much stronger than I did with lower doses. Besides that my head felt very warm and I noticed that my pulse was much stronger, so I put on my old smart-watch, just so I could regularly check my pulse (it was constantly over 90, when my usual average it between 60 and 70). Also I told him about my medication and the dosage I had taken, so if I experienced anything bad (the high pulse made me a bit anxious about that) he could inform a doctor. But yeah, nothing bad happened and for two hours we just talked about a lot of things and I just really listened to what he said, which was nice, as I‘m someone who often gets lost in thought while people talk to me, and being able to focus on what he said without getting distracted made me feel like I managed to be a better friend than I‘m usually am.

But nothing lasts forever and so once the effects wore off (took about 4,5 hours) I really couldn’t focus on stuff and I really felt the effects come back much stronger than they usually are. Luckily he is a pretty understanding dude, so he suggested that we just cook until I felt a bit better, which was quite nice, as my appetite also came back and I remembered that I hadn’t eaten anything that day. So we cooked and just played with the cats until I felt a bit better. I noticed that playing with the cats made me quite a bit calmer - maybe it’s the dopamine-boost my tiny fluffy boys give me, or maybe I just overinterpret something. Idk.

(Short break. I know, this post is already pretty long and as it’s about ADHD, I assume that some people reading this also have it. If you managed to read this that far, I‘m really amazed and I really thank you for your attention. Also I made this another text-style, so if you want to take a short break, you could find this spot easier. If you have any tips on how to write so that it’s more suitable for ADHDers to read, please feel free to send me a message, as I would really like it, if I could improve my writing so that my posts are easier to read for other people. Also I promise that this post will be finished soon.)

Okay, so lets continue: once the friend was gone, I washed the dishes, cuddled the cats and went to sleep. Or at least I tried to do so. I just couldn’t fall asleep. It was really impossible for me to close my eyes without having my brain full of thoughts that would keep me awake. I tried to put in calming music, as that helped me to fall asleep back when I was in school, but that didn’t work. I tried to make myself a nice sleeping-environment by putting on nice sounds to pretend that I‘m on the Hogwarts express (I used ambient-mixer for that) and lit small fairy lights, but that also didn’t help. I tried to do a brain-dump and wrote down all the thoughts that kept me awake, but that also didn’t help much. I tried to read all these thoughts out to my cats and talk about all the feelings I had that were linked to the thoughts, but that also didn’t help. (Also the cats kinda decided to run around and play catch after I talked to them for a few minutes. I think they have about the same attention span as I do). At about 5:30 in the morning my girlfriend texted me because she just got up to go to work and I was still awake to answer her. So yeah, at about 6 in the morning I fell into a very light sleep and I can tell you, working a 7 hour shift after that wasn’t fun. So a nice advice of mine: don’t do a higher dose than your doctor allowed you at 6 in the afternoon. Or generally. Listen to your doctors, chances are they know what they are talking about.

And here’s finally the last experience I wanna write about: Today I woke up at 8 and decided that I will use my day productively to learn. So ensured that my desk and everything around it was nice and clean and then I took two pills. And guess what. Now it’s half past 10 and I spent the last 1,5 hours focusing really intensely on writing a tumblr-post about my experiences with Ritalin because I remembered that I wanted to write such a post and I couldn’t focus on anything else while I had this thought. So yeah. Overall I really like the effects it has on me, as I didn’t experience any bad side-effects by now and it really helps me focus, but now I also know that maybe I should make a check-list of things I want to have done before I take it, as these things could be mayor distractions down the line.

I hope these reports could be interesting or helpful to someone out there, but always remember: the experiences of different people can vary vastly, so always remember that such meds can have very different effects on you or people you know. Always consult a doctor or pharmacist if you have medical questions and always remember that taking meds or not doing so is both completely valid, as long as it fits for you.

If you made it this far, I really wanna thank you for taking the time and focus to read this and I hope you found it to be at least somewhat interesting. Feel free to text me if you want to talk about your own experiences, ask questions, give criticism on the way I write or just ask for pictures of my cats. I hope you have a really nice day and yeah. I‘ll post again once something post-worthy happens or a topic which I think to be deserving of a post comes to my mind.

[bucky-iss-bae]

Late night Cocoa (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

A/N: Wow 10 years later and I finally post some new content. How shocking!!! I want to be more active, but wow since finishing university, my brain is tireeeddd but I want to have so many ideas, so please send in any requests. I just want to write more and more, and organise all my writing, and just get my ideas out there, fix my writing, so much talking, I’m so sorry, here's the one-shot. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Fandom: MCU/Marvel 

Prompts: Bucky x Fem!Reader Fluff/Angst Prompts: ‘Hey, hey, calm down they can’t hurt you anymore’ – ‘You have my word’ – ‘Go back to sleep’  

Warnings: Mentions of kidnapping and torture - Some Angst I guess

Word count: 1500ish

I want to hopefully write more shit like this to just gain confidence and get better so hope you all enjoy xoxo

Masterlist Fandom list

Everyone knew that being with an Avenger had its negatives. Sure you got on perfectly well with the team, they were all your family. They protected you like their own. But for the outside world seeing this, others saw you as a weakness and took advantage of that. They saw how you are as a family with the team, yet you lived your own life with your own job. You never expected this to be something that would get you caught out, being used as leverage to lure the Avengers in if not all of the Avengers. At least your partner, Bucky Barnes.

You were kidnapped from outside your workplace, taken by ex-hydra agents that wanted to lure The Winter Soldier in, to extract information from him on past hydra missions, information that went up when Hydra got exposed.

They tortured you, they manipulated you, but they all ended up dead. Getting nothing from you, and their plan backfired when The Winter Soldier killed them all with the help of the other Avengers.

None of the Avengers let you out of their sight after this, whilst recovering you were moved into the compound, both you and Bucky sharing his designated room there. Your days consisted of watching others train, making sure their doctors had you all healed up, and Bucky making sure that you were safe.

Being back at work was sometimes proven a bit difficult, someone constantly checking up on you, but you soon got used to it, it wasn’t long after this that you and Bucky moved back to your shared apartment, despite still visiting the compound a lot, your apartment was home. But also where you felt most vulnerable.

In the relationship, you were once the one who helped Bucky through his nightmares. Despite them being rare, you were always there for him, making sure he was alright at night, hugging him when needed, and being the emotional support he often needed after a bad nightmare. They soon lessened and lessened, until he rarely had nightmares. Instead, it was his turn to comfort you, to be there for you.

You woke up in a cold sweat, it was better than the screams, but some nights you still woke up, reminders of what happened on the day they took you in your nightmares. You took a moment to catch your breath feeling restless, scared to see what would happen if you went back to sleep. You looked across at Bucky hoping you didn’t wake up and saw him sound asleep.

You took a moment and smiled, grateful to have him in your life, after all he’s been through, the few hours you were taken must’ve only felt like minutes compared to what he went through. Yet he was able to get through it stronger on the other side.

You were careful not to wake up when you quietly crawled out of bed, grabbing your robe and putting on your slippers you walked through to your kitchen and started on making some hot chocolate for yourself. Once you added the final few marshmallows you went to sit on your window ledge, looking across at the city, you could hear how busy the streets still were. You breathed in the fresh air, it felt nice against your skin, despite your hot chocolate warming you up, it was more comforting.

A few moments later you felt a pair of arms wrap around your waist, you leaned back into Bucky, feeling his chin rest on your head,

“I’m offended Sugar, you made some hot cocoa, and you didn’t even make me some. Instead, you take how many, 4 marshmallows. Wow, three of them are pink, really offended”

A small smile made its way onto your lips, “Actually it was 5 marshmallow, I couldn’t help myself.”

He felt his chest vibrate against your back, “Wow, ok, I see how it is. 5 marshmallows. And there’s still no inviting me”

“I didn’t want to wake you” You mumbled, “But I’m more than happy to share,” You said holding the mug up,

He took some and had a few sips which led to him nearly burning his tongue,

“Warning would’ve been nice”

You looked down and smiled at that, “Sorry Buck. But what are you doing up?”

“What are you doing up?” He retaliated,

You shifted your body to turn and look at him, “I... I had another nightmare. I woke up and couldn’t sleep” You admitted,

He nodded, “You know, I’m here for you right? Especially when you have nightmares. I know what it’s like, and I know what it’s like feeling alone, you’ve got me here whenever you need me. Even if I am asleep, just wake me up”

“I know but I feel so stupid and weak Bucky. I hate it. If it was anyone else, anyone they would’ve somehow been fine and fought their way out. But instead I couldn’t even walk out of there myself, and I just... I’m scared”

“Shhhh... Hey, Hey they can’t hurt you anymore. No one can” he mumbled against your head before kissing it, “You’re not weak. You’re not weak Y/N. It’s not something you could’ve controlled, you aren’t trained like anyone else, and maybe that’s a good thing because you’re the purest person out there, you don’t have any... any red in your ledger. Instead, you’ve got a whole load of people who would do anything for you. So don’t feel weak, or stupid because what happened was inevitable. They went after the most important person to me to try and get to me”

You couldn’t help but smile slightly at that, although his reminders were consistent, the feeling in your chest sometimes made you wonder whether he would want someone like you, someone whos not an Avenger, someone who’s not as capable as everyone else in his life is.

“I know that I’m weak Buck. I know compared to you and everyone else I’m a... a liability”

He scoffed at that, “You’re definitely not a liability. Don’t ever think like that Y/N. You’re too pure for your own good. Sometimes I wonder how someone as good as you, has ended up with someone like me. But then you reminded me day in, day out why I was worthy. So let me remind you, each and every day”

The two of you rarely spoke about the times where you helped him, and his low points, how you were his backbone. There was constant underlining of it, especially as you helped him. The two of you supported one another, helped one another grow, and right now he made you feel like you were worth it all.

“You promise? You’re not just saying this”

“I promise, every day I’ll remind you.”

“Thank you, Buck” You whispered, leaning your head into his arm, “I love you”

“I love you too Sugar” He whispered, “I mean, I’m willing to forgive you for not inviting me out here for hot cocoa so that’s a lot of forgiving”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that and took a sip, it was slightly cooler than before, the marshmallows nicely gooey.

“You want me to make you some?” You whispered,  

“Nah” He murmured, “Nah, if I want some I’ll just take yours,” He said reaching around to grab your mug,

Both you and Bucky gelled well together, it was something you never thought you would get, someone so supportive, and someone who loved you just as much as you loved them.  

The two of you sat in silence for a while, enjoying one another's company before it started to get a bit chilly.

“You ready to go back to sleep?” he asked you,

You nodded, “Yeah, sorry Bucky”

“Why you apologising for?” he asked a small smile on his face,

You shrugged, “For keeping you up”

He shook his head, “Don’t let me start getting all romantic on you doll, I’ll start spouting out about how as long as I’ve got you by my side, I don’t care where I am, what I’m doing, or how tired I am, I’ll be happy to have you there with me.”

You laughed a little at that and he took your hand helping you back in, you dropped the empty mug in the kitchen sink, he grabbed a pink marshmallow and popped it into his mouth before the both of you went back to your room. When you got into bed you could feel yourself starting o overthink again, but instead, he pulled you in, his metal arm wrapping around your waist. You smiled because this surprisingly gave you more comfort than anything, you cuddled further into him and felt him kiss the back of your head once more,

“Go to sleep Doll. Wake me if you need me”

With that being said you drifted off into a seamless night’s sleep knowing you were safe.

A/N: Still working on improving, and hella fics pending. Planning a series based on our main man barnes, so hopefully, that and another will be starting soonnnn xoxo 

[echoequinox]

Sometimes I see tweets and write incredibly self indulgent stuff, so anyway, here’s two new OCs I just made based on this tweet 

///

Christmas. It was always goddamn Christmas. 

Or, she supposed, the days leading up to Christmas. Her least favorite holiday by far. Easter, she could deal with. Hell, Halloween was even fun. But Christmas? Just… the worst.

She sighed, reaching down to the overstuffed messenger bag at her side as the elevator hummed softly, the gentle sound of insufferable muzak drifting through her ears. She understood why her employer would pick such AWFUL music, but that didn’t mean SHE should have to deal with it. 

She took out a few of the envelopes, grimacing and looking them over. Truth be told, she had more of a soft spot for kids than most of the others, so seeing the messy crayon handwriting did make her feel a little bad. She was sure as hell none of the others were going to sign up for it, so she figured she’d bite the bullet. It helped that she got holiday pay for it. Literally no other time of the year, or job, got holiday pay. He was such an asshole like that.

Trarnadoch grimaced at the small dark red stamp in the corner of the envelope, a black inverted pentacle. He had this… bizarre, twisted sense of humor that she could only assume came with doing the same shit over and over for… what, ever? It had to get a little boring. She actually passed by him doing one of the dances from Fortnite once, accidentally banging up one of his horns. She’d been around long enough that she knew she could laugh, even if all the other demons stayed stoic, applauding him for his effort. 

Maybe that’s why he gave her the job. She was sure a few other people had signed up for it, at least, but every year, it went to her. Could Satan appreciate someone? That was an interesting concept. 

The elevator rumbled hard and she grimaced, gripping the rail and shoving the envelopes back in the back as it shook violently before finally settling out. She was in the human world now. The fine line between heaven and hell. And she was already freezing. She draped the jacket over her shoulders, breathing into her hands and shivering softly. She had a higher temperature tolerance than most, at least. Everyone joked that Xozraxar could get frostbite in Texas in June (which, admittedly, he almost had, making the joke even funnier). 

At least she only needed a thick jacket for the North Pole.

The elevator finally rumbled to a stop, a soft ding indicating that they’d arrived. She gave a deep sigh, tugging her hair back around her horns, looking to one of the semi-reflective panels of the elevator and making sure it looked okay, glancing over her makeup and giving a final, satisfied huff, before finally opening the door and heading out.

Maybe that was another reason He sent her up so frequently.

She groaned as she started through the thick snow layer, up to her shins and rendering the rubber boots essentially useless as it saturated her socks and made everything feel like a slushy wet mess. At least the elevator didn’t let her out TOO far away from her destination, even though she could see the glittering city of Winterville in the distance. What a stupid name. 

She hesitated as she kicked her boots off, stepping up onto the porch and stopping at the door. She could probably just leave the bag behind and go. It was always an option. He just told her she had to deliver it, not actually follow up with Santa’s helpers. Still, she found her raising a fist, grimacing and closing her eyes before giving a few soft raps at the door. 

There was a noise of a light commotion before the door opened, a man several feet shorter than her opening the door with a look of confusion that quickly turned to shock.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, before grinning. “Trarnadoch! You’re early this year!” 

“Yeah, yeah,” she laughed, rolling her eyes and passing inside as he patted her on the back, just about as high on her as he could reach. “Hey everybody.”

The pointy-eared people at the cubicles looked away from their work, perking up and waving excitedly, a murmur of excitement rippling through them. 

“Please, sit, we just put on a pot,” the man grinned, guiding her to a couch and she chuckled, settling in as he took her bag, starting to hand them off to the others, who happily added them to their already enormous stacks of envelopes. “How’ve you been? How’s life down in hell?” 

“I dunno, alright, I guess?” she smiled. “I mean as nice as hell is to a demon.” 

“Sorta like the North Pole to an elf,” he laughed and she nodded. “Well good! I hope business isn’t too good for you, these days!” 

“You can probably tell by that naughty list of the big man,” she snorted, kicking at his shin as he laughed, waving at her playfully before starting off toward the far side of the room, pouring a large mug from the coffee pot and handing it to her, and she tried not to look too eager as she sipped at it. God damn elves made the best hot chocolate. She paused for a minute, before giving a soft sigh, closing her eyes. “I, uh, should probably… get going. You know, demon stuff and all.” There was a disappointed groan from the crowd. 

“Well, alright,” he sighed, patting her hand. “If you don’t think you can stay just a little longer.” She saw the sparkle in his eye and opened her mouth to speak, when the far door opened to the break room, an elf in silver and gold jingling out, yawning and heading back to her cubicle before pausing, eyes widening. 

“Tra?” she said softly, a huge grin broadening across her face as she started across the room. “Oh my god, Tra!” She laughed, jumping at the demon as she yelped in surprise, catching her as she hugged her tight, tinsel collar tickling Tra’s neck. “It’s so good to see you!”

“Y-yeah, you too, Holly,” she grinned, knowing that at least the elves didn’t have a problem with her sharp teeth. “How are things?”

“Oh, good! I’m so happy-” She paused, whirling on her heel to the man that had seen Tra in, grinning at the both of them. “Noel, can I possibly extend my lunch-?”

“Of course,” he laughed, patting her shoulder and nodding. 

“Let’s take a walk,” Holly grinned, taking Tra’s hand and leading her out of the office and out into the snow, to a walkway that Tra hadn’t even noticed existed, but the snow was shallow enough that it didn’t bother her too terrible. “Oh my goodness, Tra, how have you been? Are you eating enough? Did you write a Christmas list?”

“How’re you going to deliver it?” she laughed, shaking her head.

“If you made a Christmas list, I would hand deliver you your gifts myself,” she said, crossing her arms and giving a resolute nod.

“Yeah, that does sound like you,” Tra smiled with a blush. “How’re things with you? How’s the office life? How’d it work out with that, uhh…? Was it Candi?”

“His name was Cheer,” she chastised, rolling her eyes as Tra laughed hard. “And… it didn’t… go super well.”

“Oh no,” she frowned. “Was he a douchebag?”

“No!” Holly laughed. “I don’t think elves can be douchebags.”

“Sounds boring,” Tra grinned.

“No, he was just… he wasn’t…? What… I was looking for, I guess.”

“Want one of those bad elves, huh?” Tra teased, elbowing her. “Leather studded jackets and a motorcycle with little jingly bells on it?”

“Tra, I swear, I do not know why I enjoy you coming around so much,” she sighed with exasperation, giving her a nudge to show she was kidding. Tra opened her mouth to say something, but Holly took her hand, leading her to the side of the path, over to a wood park table, crusted over with ice, with a perfect view of a pristine, untouched lake of pure ice, a few penguins mingling around the sides. 

“It’s really pretty,” Tra murmured as she carefully sat at the table, shivering from the cold. 

“Isn’t it?” Holly sighed, sitting across from her, back toward the lake. 

“So no, he was just boring?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Holly frowned, tracing her finger along the table. “He just wasn’t… what I’m looking for.”

“Wanted like 16 kids?”

“Oh my goodness, no, Tra,” she scoffed. “I wouldn’t mind if it was just kids, I want kids someday, I just… I’m…?” She grimaced, scratching the back of her neck and looking away.

“You gotta spell it out for me, Hollz,” Tra replied. “Did he have a second head? Did he snore? Was his candy cane too small-?”

“I’m gay!” Holly groaned, throwing her hands in the air, leaving Tra to blink in stunned silence. A long moment stretched out between them, Holly watched Tra’s expressions as Tra tried to figure out how to react. 

“Huh,” she finally said.

“‘Huh’?” 

“Huh,” she repeated. “Neat?”

“‘Neat’?” Holly gaped. 

“Shit, I dunno, Holly! That’s… great? I’m super super happy for you, that’s… hard to like, deal with, I think. I dunno, demons are all pretty fluid, but I assume elf society is more about making little elflings or whatever.” Holly sighed, hanging her head. “But no that’s rad, I’m proud of you, findin’ out who you are and shit, that’s super neat-”

“If you say neat again, I’m gonna throw you in the lake,” Holly muttered and Tra barked out a laugh.

“You really are the most fiery elf, aren’t you?” Tra grinned.

“I try,” she said softly, steepling her fingers as she kicked her legs. “Um. So demons are pretty fluid?”

“Well, yeah, I mean we’re shapeshifters kinda, so like, it’s mostly how we feel like presenting, you know? Being gay is sort of weird when your boyfriend isn’t your boyfriend the next day.”

“Ah,” Holly frowned. “But you’re a girl whenever you’re here. Are you ever a boy?”

“Rarely?” she sighed, threading her fingers through her hair and shivering softly. “I mean I try not to be. I don’t like the whole… aesthetic. We’re like ‘peak performance’ or whatever so boy bodies end up being so…”

“Hard?” Holly asked, scrunching her face.

“Yeah,” Tra grinned. “And girls are so soft.”

“Yeah,” Holly sighed with a pleasant grin. 

“Got your eye on anyone?” she chuckled, nudging her under the table.

“I think I do,” she nodded. “I don’t know if she likes me back.”

“If she didn’t, she’d been an idiot,” Tra snorted.

“You think?”

“Yeah, you’re like? The only cool elf. And you’re pretty, so like, you’ve got that going for you.”

“You think I’m pretty?” she asked, going rigid, the tips of her pointed ears going bright red.

“Well yeah, like… look at you,” Tra chuckled. “I mean you’ve got pretty hair and the soft girl thing going on like we said and oh god it’s me isn’t it?”

There was a long silence between the two, the only sound being the soft wind and the penguins chirping from the lake, muffled by the gentle snowfall. “Is that bad?” she whispered, frowning into her hands. “A whole city full of people, and I just… keep thinking… about you.” 

“Holly…” Tra started, her mouth going dry, her brain short-circuiting. 

“It probably is, right?” Holly laughed bitterly, standing and wiping her eyes. “I mean, it was… it was silly, I think. You’re from a literal different world, and I-I have so much work, you know? I can’t… be bothered with relationships right now, it’s… it was silly. Maybe being gay was silly! Maybe I should just try men again, maybe it was just… Maybe Cheer was a bad fit.”

“Holly,” she tried again, but her mouth wouldn’t form words. 

“It, um. It was good seeing you again, Tra,” Holly muttered. “Can you tell Noel I’m taking a sick day? I don’t… feel very good suddenly.”

“Holly,” she tried again as the elf started to jingle away, crying softly as it turned into a run. “Holly!” 

She swore, stumbling awkwardly out of the too small table, starting after her before grimacing, pulling her jacket up and starting back for the office. 

Holly liked her? Possibly past tense, now. Tra was… just so confused. She had the wriggling thought of a really bad idea, but she tried pushing it down, each time it resurfacing stronger. Finally she groaned loudly, pulling out her phone and blinking at the message.

THE BOSS, 4:12pm: yes

“You’re such an ASSHOLE,” she groaned, shoving it back in her pocket and breathing into her hands as she stormed back up to the office, pushing through the door to grinning elf faces, who looked to her, than the door as she closed it behind her, faces falling. 

“How did things go?” Noel asked tentatively.

“I need a double hot chocolate,” she sighed, collapsing to the couch. “And the name of a few good hotels.”

[jugs-and]

climb.run.hike (a la eat.pray.love)

G-d saw all that he had made, and it was very good. - Genesis 1

-------------- 

I don’t know how to write anymore. I’m 27 now, but writing, blog writing specifically, has been habitually part of my life since I was 14. Writing is very much a muscle which needs to be worked at and maintained. To say the least it all used to flow, and the process of writing, more than the actual writing output, was an essential part of how I unwinded from the happenings of life. I’ve missed this, it has sort of fallen off the radar this year, and the narrative have swirled around in my mind. For the moment, the editing process seems to garble and confuse, more than clarify and expand the language which I employ. The feelings and emotions in myself - I can’t just describe. This is about the fourth or fifth time I’ve written this post.

The final four weeks before Christmas have been pure routine. Drifting, dilly-dallying, floating - I have fully embraced my inner alter-ego lifestyle which laid dormant this year. This other-me who leaves work early, and plays video-games late, and eats and imbibes freely. It is quite the contrast to the past six months of regiment and focus, the past few weeks have been completely restful, reinvigorating and refreshing - and, frankly, quite welcome.  In all of my limited existence (27 years <gulp>), I don’t think I’ve ever been so busy or occupied in my life as this past six months.

I have a hard time letting go because the final few weeks of the year have still been exceedingly busy. The last weekend in Auckland, I hopped between four Christmas parties on Saturday and Sunday, and finished with a late night working on Sunday. In all of these social gatherings, I was faced with many questions about my year, and I spent a lot of time recounting my adventures this second half of 2019. At Anna’s 30th birthday party especially, I hadn’t seen her in months, and the conversation is always tragically short when she is that popular. 

Social-jugs can handle the small-talk conversations at parties, however vapid and soul-crushing, but it was the mental mind contortions regarding finances and relationships which slowly eroded my sanity. The past six months has not just been the normal event after event after event, but it was like each event was suffocating on my own sanity. The way that money was constantly at the mind’s forefront would affect my ability to enjoy life. Restless sleep counting money instead of sheep, while my mind was full of shopping lists and balance sheets brought me no rest. The nights were long where I would replay conversations and then drift to semi-conscious dreams of impossible segues and circumstances. 

The second half of this year was, in one word, bizarre, with A-. I was increasingly frustrated and filled with despair. For someone with a infectiously sunny disposition, she’s very good at pushing people away. Her continued longing for her previous boyfriend who was clearly abusive and emotionally manipulative broke my heart. Really. 

I began to pine for the peaceful activities - I need the hiking alone and terrible renditions of my favourite nostalgic songs with a Bob Dylan rasp. I need the moment where I wake up and lazily watch the sandflies dancing on the tent fly. I need the Saturday morning brunches and afternoons laying in bed till the evening hours reading in a foetal position. I need to walk through the supermarket in my pyjamas and nights refreshing the same webpages as if the news that the world has ended would drop at any moment. I miss the pull of the dark corners of clubs where I move with my eyes shut, hair swaying in front of my face. Just normal things (right?!). 

I learned discipline and perseverance in financial matters - I tell myself that because, otherwise, 2019: Part Two ran me ragged. I longed for the days to just climb under the sheets and draw them over my head as if I could avoid the problems in life just for a moment and just be. Climb under the sheets and maybe stay there for a while, instead of falling asleep into dreamless sleep immediately. 

In November, I took my big holiday of the year: two weeks in the South Island -- a mountain-climbing course with Colin, and hiking by myself in the second week. During this time, I realized just how complex and busy the six months prior were. Hiking, in contrast, is simple. It is just one foot in front of another, and a simple existence of self-sustenance. Without the noise of information everywhere, there is just the conversations inside my head when hiking alone. There is only the crinkle of your own sleeping bag and never moment of loneliness in the solitude. Somewhere during the nine hour sleeps and genuinely feeling exhausted more than I can ever remember - I realised I haven’t had the time to appreciate this year for what it was worth and how much I have to proud of.

-------------- 

As someone who has frequented the climbing walls at least twice a week for the past 6 months, I am still terrible at rock-climbing. Granted, my frequency and motivation for climbing, really does wax and wane like the moon. And lately, as my main source of exercise, due to this knee injury, it has been waxing. Nevertheless, I never really saw the improvement I would expect someone else to have with the frequency and focus on the sport.  To a large degree, the social element of climbing really brought me back repeatedly to the same crags. We spent many Sunday afternoons and evenings just chatting and doing very little actual climbing. But we were each other’s greatest cheerleaders in finding every little scrap of willpower and confidence to hold on to the little scraps protruding from the wall. 

Sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe before a big move and just stick it. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to look down and see how terrifyingly high you are. Sometimes you have to take a break and shake the blood back into your hands. 

I learned it is okay to fail.

As someone who falls a lot, I can confirm that the falling gives me confidence because it means that I believed in myself enough, albeit maybe too much. I backed myself to make a move with confidence. The next attempt meant that I could attempt more and grow more in strength and resolve. The second time up would assuredly be better with experience, and there is a certain relief where you finally accomplish the right contortion of body to get past a section. 

Trad. climbing still terrifies me, but even with sport climbing and lead roping, it is still a delicate affair. Gathering at the bottom of a crag, checking each other’s knots, and double checking I locked the carabiner around my harness bell - it is a solemn routine. It’s a more serious sport and there is a lot more faith in each other and self-belief required in the equipment and process. Outside, the falls are bigger and the fall is a couple of metres to the last anchor point, which can be more than a moment in the air. I can only just breathe and trust in others to catch me. If climbing was an analogy for life, they would be my support system. 

Beyond climbing, I have found that people are a lot more compassionate, kind and exceedingly more patient than we can ever expect from someone like ourselves. If friends are ever an indication of the type of person we are, the bounds which feel almost endless, I am climbing far beyond my own character.

At the top of an outdoor crag, I learned self-confidence. 

--------------

The Saint Heliers turnaround is the moment of reckoning and Armageddon. The entire way out to Saint Helier, it’s pulsing through my mind that I’d have to return this path and retrace my steps to finish. The people ahead of me are on the other side of the road, returning to the finish line, looking worse for wear. The turnaround is where the final nine kilometers starts, and the mind resets and forgets about the previous 33km which should have been easy-going. 

At this point, the race really starts to feel like a marathon. No amount of training prior could prepare for the tortures and endurance of this section. If I could describe the feeling - it’s like trying to spread peanut butter on toast from an empty jar. The opening to the jar is tiny, only enough for a butter knife to fit inside, and it continues to scrape the bottom of the jar. The bottom of the jar makes a screeching noise, and every single urge is to stop scraping, but for some reason we continue. 

I changed the music to my specially prepared list of tracks, rummaging through my pocket of half empty gel packs, to change to the final track in my <Marathon 2019> playlist. At 33km, I made it up to this point feeling mostly okay -- so I went for it. 

I made it four more kilometres with a negative split, running past multiple people who had started walking, before falling back into a numb survival mode. The sort of survival where you grit your teeth and and look for energy and strength you never knew you had. Digging deeper into the jar for one last push with two fingers jammed into the opening.

I ran alongside someone else who looked like he was struggling as much as I was, and we stuck together. I even had a little kick of speed about one km from the finish, near Britomart, before falling behind him again. Abby found me at the finish line, but I couldn’t move any closer to hear what she was saying. Nick came and found me to congratulate me, and I gave him a ride home via church. 

The last 9 kilometers was truly one of the hardest things I have finished, but I was so happy at the finish line. I don’t think anyone else could ever understand the tears of joy -- I could do it.

On the Auckland marathon, I learned self-belief.

-----------------

I think people who have hiked with me can assure you that my hiking style is best described as obsessive. Nearly all can affirm this, the rest never really made it back. When I returned to Auckland in November, I remarked that to Y- that I was genuinely just exhausted, Y- was astonished, 

> I cannot fathom what kind of hiking could make you exhausted

The Cascade Saddle day-trip was rough. It wasn’t the day trudging through knee-deep snow, or the sunburn starting to form on my cheek, right below where my cap did not provide shade -- but it was the collective two weeks of hiking and climbing, and finding my limit at the end of three long ten-hour days with a full pack. The entire day was full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. 

The Dart Glacier, arguably the centre-piece of this hike was stunning. The entire hike was designed around tracing the Dart River upstream on the true left of the river to its source. It was easily the most awe-inspiring thing I have seen this year, in terms of majesty and beauty. There is nothing on earth which makes me feel so small or insignificant, as standing at the base of a glacier and looking at the timeless, frozen rivers that run around me. 

The lows followed quickly after, descending from the mountain saddle, toward the end of the day and rapidly losing daylight. Fully knowing there was still 5 hours of hiking left in the day, slightly worried about the pace of the day quickly ending. 

I can still vividly remember the shape of the broad, flat rock which looked slippery, and despite making the mental cost-benefit analysis, still carelessly putting my entire weight on the rock. In true laidback-jugs fashion, I just decided that the problem would sort itself out. Unsurprisingly, the foot did actually continue slipping, and with zero points of secure anchor, on the side of the mountain I continued to slide down the hill for a couple of metres somersaulting over exposed rock and snow. 

I cursed myself with some very self-deprecating language to numb the pain down my shins and landing on top of my camera bag. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was hiking alone, very far from the closest person. Something about the self-sufficiency in the wild makes one increasingly irritable at every oneself, and every bad decisions. The rest of the limp back was miserable and I was exceedingly negative to myself.

The next morning, I made it as far as the Rees Saddle before returning to the hut. I started at 6am and vowed to myself that I would only go 3 hours because I had another 3 hours return and another 5 hours to the next hut. I made it two and half hours of climbing and walking along the narrow mountain route before stopping. I rested. 

I felt not so alone as previous days, but in such solitude for that short half an hour, just watching the sun come over the mountains and giving my body rest. From the Intentions Book I knew that I was the first person to come across this mountain pass for four months, and I took heart from that. 

In the moments where I could stop and see creation, remembering why I was out there in moderate-high danger, crossing waist-high water, and walking for hours with what seems like all my possessions - I could see that, in that moment, it was good. 

On the Rees-Dart track, I learned self-love.

-----------------

This year has been good, even great. It’s been the best one yet, and I know I have grown so much as a person. 

About a month ago, E- said I am often pretentious and this operated as a defense mechanism. It still slays me on the inside somewhat because it’s something I’ve battled my whole life. In reality, there is pretentiousness in me, but can that exist if I vow there is no pride? 

There is urgency in everything I do, because I like to think that I doggedly pursue and am surrounded by so much love, peace and joy. I don’t know how anyone could settle for anything less, I struggle to translate that sentiment into words and actions that other people could understand. I don’t know how I can put the thirst in me in a normal way, without resorting to l'appel du vide and feeling I’m crazy or weird (or inferior) compared to everyone else because I feel more than other people do. 

Life is merely what God has planned for each of us, and I’m just here to experience every drop of it. 

On some level, I long to share it with someone. There is so much of my life which is guarded and the way her words still have so much power over me -- I think I still have some residual feelings for her.

[min-minn]

Symphony - Chapter Four

A03

Summary: Viktor Nikiforov, tenor prodigy and top student at the Salchow Institute of Music, is looking for an accompanist.

And word around campus is that Yakov Feltsman, Head of Music and conductor of the prestigious Institute Band, is looking for new members.

Yuuri Katsuki is just looking to survive his next Piano recital

OR

The Yuri on CONCERT Music School AU that we all deserve

Pairings: Viktor Nikiforov/ Yuuri Katsuki

Rating: Teen And Up

Content Warning: Anxiety

A/N:

Like, sometimes I catch myself writing about Yuuri and I see him get hurt and it's like "WH O HAS HA R MED MY BA BY??" and then I realise. Oh. It me.

I couldn't stop listening to this while I was writing, it just fit somehow. Poor Yuuri. I can genuinely feel myself breaking my own heart WOOOO

But it's okay, there's some good shit on its way. The Viktuuri train is pulling into the station and ho boy is there some juicy stuff comin ("eventual smut" tag, I'm lookin at you, baby).

Also I've decided to set up a twitter that's pure YOI garbage. If anyone has any questions/ prompts/ just wants to fuckin yeet into my dms, then feel free to visit me there.

And, as always, the kudos and comments leave me breathless. This fandom is fast becoming one of my favourites and you guys are far too kind <3

Much waiting-for-ICE-Adolescence-like-a-gremlin love,

- Min

To say that Yuuri was nervous was an understatement.

The new drummer – Otabek, Yuuri soon learned – was stoic in the extreme. He seemed to only have one facial expression and responded with clipped sentences and one-word answers that left Yuuri feeling desperately anxious. If it weren’t for Phichit and Viktor’s cheery dismissal of his otherwise cold personality, Yuuri was certain he would have had a nervous breakdown by now.

He still couldn’t tell if the drummer was even willing to practice with them. When Yuuri had managed to stammer out a “Thank you for drumming for us!” the other man had simply replied; “Sure,” looking him directly in the eyes with absolutely zero emotion and setting Yuuri’s teeth on edge.

And whirling in the back of Yuuri’s mind was the constant reminder that this man was Viktor’s friend.

Viktor seemed to navigate Otabek’s apathy with ease – slotting him into their little trio and running him through the work they’d done so far. Yuuri couldn’t help but notice Viktor’s sarcastic remarks or friendly suggestions that flowed as easy as breathing, and even though Otabek hardly responded beyond curt words or steady nods, Yuuri could tell that they were close.

He tried not to think about how tight his chest felt.

Phichit fell into the conversation seamlessly as well, picking up on jokes and nuances, laughing at all the right times. So, it didn’t take long for Yuuri to drift into a familiar silence, letting the others fill in the blanks while he willed himself into invisibility. He was subconsciously crowding himself in at the end of the piano stool, with his bag beside him as a sort of shield. The other three were all hanging off the drum set on the other side of the room, Otabek occasionally tapping the foot pedals as they talked. And talked. And talked.

Yuuri couldn’t keep up. One minute they were discussing their piece, the next sharing stories about performances, before arguing good-naturedly about a genre of music Yuuri hadn’t even heard of before. He’d tried once – once – to slot himself into the conversation, commenting on a joke about time signature. Viktor and Phichit had laughed immediately, Viktor turning to Yuuri the second he made a noise, but Otabek had looked at him with that same indifferent stare. It was enough to sew Yuuri’s lips shut for good.

And, like a pebble dropping into a pond, everything suddenly made sense.

Yuuri knew that he didn’t have to worry about Phichit – they were friends. He could trust him. Otabek was indifferent – probably loathed the fact that he had to help them practice, but he’d do it for Viktor since they were friends.

And Viktor…

The thought that Viktor was probably just being nice to Yuuri flashed through his mind, and it all clicked into place. It weighed so heavy in Yuuri’s chest that it felt like it was going to cave in.

Viktor was just being nice to him…

Viktor pitied him…

The ache only grew worse when the other Yuri showed up.

The door to the studio slammed open, walls shaking ever so slightly in response. Standing in the doorway Yuuri could see a rather short, slender man – probably no older than eighteen - blond hair hanging across his eyes under a black hoodie. He had a guitar case in his hand, the other gripping an amp, arm rolling to shrug the strap of his bag further up one shoulder. As he flicked Yuuri a steely look, Yuuri realised with a shiver that he recognised him.

“What are you looking at?” the man spat, eyes narrowing as he took a step into the room. Yuuri felt all the colour drain from his face, hands shaking ever so slightly above the piano keys in front of him. This was the guy from the café. The one who had glared at him like he was worthless.

It seemed all too obvious to Yuuri that he must have done something to upset him. Yuuri supposed he could add this man to the list of people that thoroughly despised him.

“Settle down, Yuri, that’s not how you make friends,” Viktor called cheerfully from the drums, and Yuuri had to force his heart rate to calm, reminding himself that Viktor was addressing the other Yuri. That was going to get confusing fast.

The younger man seemed to bristle at Viktor’s words, taking his eyes off Yuuri and stomping over to where Viktor was lounging.

“You owe me dinner tonight,” he said bitterly, voice just slightly too loud to be considered calm, jabbing a finger in Viktor’s direction. Yuuri could feel every nerve in his system tighten.

Viktor just laughed.

“Of course, of course,” he was smiling as cheerily as he had been with everyone else, completely ignoring the tension that all but sizzled around Yuri’s entire being. “We’ll go after practice?”

“Whatever,” Yuri threw over his shoulder as he turned. He seemed to notice that Otabek was there, and paused for a second.

“Who’s this guy?” Yuri asked, brow furrowed. Viktor sighed. “The drummer, Yuri. Obviously,” and suddenly Viktor was moving towards the piano, eyes flicking to Yuuri’s face and pulling a strange expression. Yuuri swallowed. He was hoping he’d be able to blend into the background a little more now that the room was filling up, but Viktor seemed to have other ideas.

“We’ll have to think of a new nickname, won’t we?” Viktor said softly, effortlessly resting his hand on the piano, leaning down so that he could talk to Yuuri. Just Yuuri. He seemed to be speaking in a lower voice so that the others couldn’t hear him.

All Yuuri could do was desperately gasp for air, the concept of language very distant at that moment.

“His Grandad calls him Yuratchka, but that’s too many syllables,” Viktor continued, smiling like he’d just made a joke. Oh. Because he had made a joke. Yuuri swallowed, trying to remember how to laugh. The noise came out strangled.

Viktor blinked, furrowing his brow. “Yuuri?” he asked quietly. “Are you okay?”

Yuuri could feel the panic setting in, working at the muscles in his throat until they constricted painfully. He knew meeting two new people so suddenly when he was still getting used to being around Viktor would be a lot. But he hadn’t taken into account just how much it ached to see the other man interact with them so effortlessly. And Yuuri knew, from the few moments he’d shared with Viktor, that Viktor was kind. Kind enough to take pity and try to make Yuuri feel better. Probably so kind that he’d do it even when he didn’t want to.

He had to show Viktor he was okay. Had to hold his own. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to make new friends. He could do this.

He nodded, hoping he could wrangle his face into something resembling a normal, calm human being that most definitely did not have social anxiety in the slightest.

“Fine,” he managed, voice still quavering, trying to make his throat swallow around the dry lump that had wedged itself there.

Viktor looked like he was about to question him, but Yuri suddenly piped up from over by the drums.

“Are we gonna get this shit started or what?” he asked loudly, leaning over his guitar case and pulling out an electric. It was clearly an expensive model, the fretboard inlaid with something that shimmered in the low light of the studio. Yuuri glanced down as the other man turned towards him, catching a glimpse of what looked like stickers haphazardly strewn along the bass’ front. If he weren’t so high strung, Yuuri might have laughed. Instead, he found himself counting the strings. Watching Yuri’s fingers along them. He was probably exceptionally talented, Yuuri thought distantly. He’d have to be, as Viktor’s friend.

Viktor was still leaning close to him but had turned to say something in response that Yuuri couldn’t quite hear over the rush in his ears. He was close enough that Yuuri could tell just how expensive Viktor’s loose shirt was. There was a logo on the front pocket, and the fabric looked far softer than anything Yuuri owned. Everything in the room was coming into sharp focus as the panic set Yuuri brain alight, the edges of his concentration blurring into nothing, almost like tunnel vision. As Yuuri turned toward his music, the voices around him melded into a droning buzz, while the notes stood out sharp against white paper. He glanced down to the keys, head spinning slightly as his eyes moved quickly, the shine from the lights overhead glistening on the black keys, burning the backs of Yuuri’s eyes.

If he didn’t get out of here soon, he knew everything would fall apart.

He distantly registered that Otabek had started playing, thrumming a few kicks and rolls, testing out the kit. Yuri was hooking up to an amp. Phichit was testing his reed again. Viktor trying some scales, glancing back to Yuuri with a slightly creased brow.

“Ready?”

No. Definitely not. Yuuri was the furthest thing from ready. He could barely keep straight in the piano stool.

He nodded all the same.

On Otabek’s count, they started playing.

It seemed that Otabek and Yuri already knew the piece. Knew it well. Yuuri wasn’t sure why he was surprised. They fell in sync almost immediately, picking up on the new parts, adding their own flair without anyone even asking them or cueing them in. Yuuri’s fingers felt like they were made of metal as he strained to keep up.

They made it through the first half, stopping on Viktor’s cue to arrange something new. Yuuri registered it mechanically, desperate to keep up. To keep his head above water.

They played through it again, Yuuri’s fingers all but frozen as he jammed out the chords, not bothering to add any flourishes or glissandos like he’d planned earlier. It felt like the other studio was a distant memory – like it was a film he’d watched or a story he’d read rather than something that had actually occurred that same day. The sense of the music was barely there for him, completely tuneless as he tried to concentrate on just getting through it. Just making it to the end…

Yuri suddenly stopped playing, glancing at Otabek to signal he wanted to stop. Once there was silence, he shot Yuuri a flinty look.

“Is this the guy who’s auditioning?” he called loudly, glancing away toward Viktor who had his back to the piano. Yuuri couldn’t see his face, but his shoulders seemed to tense at Yuri’s words.

“Play nice,” and Yuuri could hear Viktor’s voice, but it sounded like it was coming at him from another room. He glanced desperately to Phichit, but he was glaring daggers at Yuri instead. Yuuri winced – he could trust Phichit to stick up for him, but it was irrational. Of course Yuri would call him out – his playing was terrible.

“I—It’s okay,” he managed to squeak out, Viktor turning back to him with a worried look. “And no. I’m not,” he said simply, addressing Yuri with a weak smile. Of course he wasn’t auditioning. How could he think he’d even have a chance? It was a stupid idea – he’d been foolish to let Phichit talk him into it. The only reason he’d wanted to was to be close to Viktor…

Pathetic.

There was a strange noise that was probably Phichit trying to argue, but Yuuri was intent on staring at the piano keys, resolute, so he couldn’t quite tell if he was imagining it or not.

Yuri huffed at his hair, glancing away from Viktor awkwardly.

“I mean. You could,” he said off-handedly, looking down at his shoes. “Audition, I mean. You’re just playing so stiff.”

Yuuri tried to quiet his heart which was suddenly hammering right in his ears. He nodded, “Ah, well,” he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck as his chest constricted painfully. “I’m sure there are others who’d be better suited. Classical is where I’ve done all my training,” he could feel the words rolling off his tongue easily, but his brain was screaming at him. Spinning. Overloading.

There was that noise again. And suddenly Phichit was talking. What was he saying? Yuuri couldn’t tell. Because it was here. The panic attack. His heart was so loud he was certain everyone in the room could hear it. His vision blurred with each beat, tongue suddenly filling his whole mouth as it went dry.    

He had to get out of here.

Everyone was talking. Talking loudly. But Viktor was just staring at him, eyes wide and mouth working like he was trying to find something to say. The panic edged closer to the surface as Yuuri realised Viktor was probably beyond embarrassed to have him there. In front of his friends. Messing everything up.

He needed to get out of here. Glancing around Viktor, desperate to avoid his gaze, Yuuri spotted Phichit watching him as he took a sip from a water bottle, Otabek and Yuri still speaking over by the drums. Phichit cocked his head, brow lifting ever so slightly. You okay?

Yuuri nodded slowly, chewing on his lower lip, but as he tried to will himself to appear normal, to appear put together, he could feel that lump in his throat burn into something far more painful. His eyes pricked with tears, and he swallowed again. Desperate.

He shook his head slowly.

“Yuuri?” a voice called from far away. Viktor. Viktor was still there. Viktor would see…

“Ah, Yuuri!” Phichit suddenly cried out, standing with his sax still slung over his shoulder, Yuri and Otabek turning to look at him. “I forgot to tell you … the landlord called earlier.”

Yuuri swallowed thickly, staring after Phichit wide-eyed and desperate. Was he bailing him out? Phichit seemed to make eyes at him and Yuuri felt his heart surge. He was bailing him out. He was rescuing him.

“Was it important?” he gasped, sweat pricking at his skin, setting it on fire.

“Something about our rent,” Phichit added quickly. “I totally forgot to tell you. We should really get it sorted. Maybe you should call him?” and he was glancing at the door, nudging his head ever so slightly to try and convey the message.

Yuuri stood quickly, stool grating along the floorboards awkwardly as he did so. “Th—Thanks, Phichit,” he all but breathed, feeling everyone’s eyes on him as he started packing away his things. “Sorry guys,” he whispered, and with that he ducked his head, rushing out of the room like his life depended on it

The room was on fire. Melting all around him. The floor was lava and Yuuri’s feet were about to burn through.

He crashed into the hallway, breaking into a full-blown sprint as he made his way towards the safety of the bathrooms.

He hardly heard the sound of the studio door opening again, footsteps racing after him.

*                       *                       *

Yuuri was well acquainted with bathroom stalls. So well acquainted that, after decades of practice, his public panic attacks had become a well-memorised ritual. Run to the bathroom. Find the furthest stool from the door. Close the toilet seat. Check the lock. Pull out his headphones. Listen to music.

Wait.

The tears had already started well before he’d made it to the bathroom. As he sat on the lid of the toilet with his head in his hands, they flowed mercilessly, twisting his face into something ugly, falling silently down his cheeks and dripping onto the floor.

More than anything, he was angry. Angry at himself. How could he believe, in any possible reality, that Viktor would actually want to practice with him? That Viktor would want to audition with him? That Viktor, or any of his friends, or any of the people at this school, in this city, would think him worthy enough. Talented enough.

It was pathetic.

In that moment, all Yuuri could think of was his mother. He wanted to call her. He had some kind of symphony playing in his ears – he hadn’t even registered turning it on after he’d locked himself in the stall – so he had to pause it, flicking to his recent calls and quickly finding the international number for Yu-topia Katsuki. He checked the time, quickly doing the mental math that he was so used to calculating after years of living away from home.

It would be five in the morning in Hasetsu.

He chewed his lower lip. Was it too early? Was it stupid, calling his mother from a bathroom stall halfway across the world just because he was having a panic attack? He knew his mother wouldn’t mind – it had been a long time since he’d called her, so she’d be thrilled to hear from him. But what if he woke her? What if he couldn’t even speak to her properly through the tears? What if—

“Yuuri?”

A voice. Someone was in the bathroom with him. Yuuri all but dropped his phone as he scrambled to lift his feet off the ground and onto the toilet seat, hiding as best he could. Screwing his eyes shut tight, he hoped beyond hope that whoever it was hadn’t heard him, though the echoing crash of his phone hitting the linoleum floor had probably given him away.

“Yuuri, are you alright?”

And Yuuri knew that voice.

Viktor.

Viktor had followed him.

The panic heightened into a painful crescendo, tears cascading down his face, sobs sticking in his throat, making it burn. He was going to be exposed. He’d lied. Phichit had lied. They’d made up a story. Viktor was going to find out…

He hiccupped a sob, stuffing his hands over his mouth all too late. The sound was already out, echoing through the little bathroom damningly. He could almost hear Viktor’s shock in the silence that followed.

“Yuuri…” he said again, voice soft. Pitying. There were footsteps. A shadow under the door. Yuuri glared up, certain that Viktor was standing just beyond the stall.

“I’m sorry about Yuri,” Viktor said in a small voice, the words oddly unsure. “He’s not very good with people.”

Yuuri would have laughed if he weren’t so focussed on trying not to cry. If only Viktor knew…

“Don’t let him discourage you,” Viktor said suddenly, the door to the stall shaking ever so slightly as something hit it. His hand? Was Viktor trying to get in? Was he angry? Yuuri tucked his legs up higher on the seat.

“Ah, I’m not too good at this sort of thing,” and Viktor’s voice sounded despondent. What did he mean? Did people crying in front of him make him feel uncomfortable? Did it annoy him? The whole scenario set Yuuri’s head into a spin – he should be mad at him. Mad at Phichit, too. They’d lied about the landlord thing. Not to mention the fact that Yuuri had interrupted their practice. Had probably ruined their practice entirely.

Yuuri had to make it right.

“I know some—” his voice cut out as another sob threatened to choke him, and he cleared his throat, begging it to work for him. “I know some good pianists. Jazz ones.”

There was silence on the other side of the door.

“I’m sure they’d be happy to help with your audition,” and his voice was suddenly a whisper. His ribcage felt like it was going to collapse and crush his lungs, the ache in his chest twisting into a painful throb. He clutched at it, doubling over as his eyes blurred with fresh tears.

Because Yuuri wanted to audition. He wanted to practice with Viktor. He craved that sense of home and comfort and rightness. Loved that he got along with Phichit so well. Loved that he smiled at Yuuri so easily. Loved…

But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be, no matter how much Phichit tried to convince him otherwise. Compared to people like Yuri or Otabek, he was nothing. Just another classical pianist to add to the pile. Not to mention the fact that there were far superior pianists out there. Far superior. New ones were filing into SIM every day.

He was replaceable.

Viktor spoke softly from beyond the door; “Yuuri, what do you—”

“I can arrange it all. Please, don’t worry,” Yuuri cut him off, sure that Viktor was going to complain about having to find a new pianist himself. Yuuri could list off at least four jazz pianists who’d be more than happy to help, some of which were already thinking of auditioning for the Institute Band.

Desperate to right his wrongs, Yuuri flicked through his contacts again to find Kenjirou’s number. Yuuri knew the younger student well from various tutorials and recitals. He’d be the perfect fit.

“Yuuri, please,” the voice on the other side sounded desperate. Strained. Yuuri filtered the sound through his mind, deciding that Viktor must be angry in some way.

“I’m sorry to have taken up so much of your time already,” and Yuuri found he was choking out a nervous laugh, even as the tears ran down his cheeks and hung on his chin. He only hoped it was convincing enough. Hoped Viktor wouldn’t be too mad with him afterwards.

“You’re…” Viktor’s voice sounded small, and Yuuri watched as the shadows at the base of the door shuffled slightly. “You’re sure you don’t want to audition?”

“Absolutely,” and Yuuri coughed out another laugh, desperate to convince the man beyond the door. Desperate to convince him he was normal. Put together. Sane…

Because the tears were still flowing and Yuuri wasn’t sure when they’d stop.

The silence felt suffocating.

Yuuri was about to say something when he heard the sound of Viktor clearing his throat. “If you’re sure,” came the curt reply, and suddenly the shadows were moving, heeled shoes tapping on the floor as Viktor left. Yuuri winced slightly as the main door slammed, echoing painfully through the bathroom.

Threading his hands into his hair, Yuuri curled in on himself, letting the sobs wrack him completely. Viktor was mad. Viktor hated him.

Yuuri was just glad he’d put a stop to things before they’d gotten out of control.

*                       *                       *

Safe in his usual pyjamas, Phichit was curled up in his bed with a laptop balancing on his knee, can of beer in hand, eyes flicking across the screen in concentration.

It had taken a good hour of convincing to get Yuuri to even leave the bathroom stall, let alone come home with him. He’d expected as much. This was hardly Phichit’s first Yuuri Katsuki rodeo. Their friendship had begun in a bathroom stall, after all. Yuuri mid panic attack, Phichit drunk out of his mind. He smiled at the memory. He let himself reminisce for a moment, before scrambling back to concentrating on the video editing software in front of him.

Phichit often edited videos in his spare time – mainly memes, though he occasionally did more professional videos for various friends and musicians. One of his videos was even used at the last SIM showcase. But somehow, despite the experience – despite all the perfectly edited memes that had earnt him relative social media fame - editing this video was proving rather difficult.

Part of it was due to the fact that he felt so guilty, especially after Yuuri’s breakdown today. They’d spoken a little, once Phichit had managed to coax Yuuri out with the promise of katsudon at their favourite Japanese place. On him. He winced. Payday couldn’t come soon enough – after forking out for a collector’s edition of a game he’d been obsessed with, Phichit could hardly afford to shout Yuuri a roll of sushi let alone an extra-large katsudon. But he managed to shrug off the concern – it was for a good cause after all.

Yuuri had spoken about his thoughts when they were on the bus home, though Phichit hadn’t managed to get through to him like he usually could. He just wouldn’t believe him. He was convinced Viktor didn’t want to audition with him, caught up in the whirlwind of self-doubt and fear. Despite the fact, Phichit noted to himself as he took another sip of beer - that Viktor had gone to such lengths to make it happen. Had bent over backwards to accommodate their practice, roping in none other than Otabek Altin, drummer extraordinaire, and Yuri Plisetsky, punk rock god and Viktor’s own cousin. Had spent the other night texting Phichit desperately after Phichit had ninja’d his number from Yuuri’s phone, asking about Yuuri’s favourite songs. His favourite bands. His favourite colour for God’s sake.

He took another swig of his beer, reaching for his phone and glancing at the lock screen with a mental wince. It was full of texts from Viktor, of course. Lots of question marks. Lots of desperate kaomoji.

He wondered if Yuuri’s phone was full of texts too. The idiot wouldn’t reply, of course. And Viktor was too much of a ditz to say the right thing. Though something about Viktor’s face after he’d returned from the bathroom told Phichit he wouldn’t have sent anything. He’d chewed the other Yuri out when he returned to the studio, blaming the whole thing on him. Phichit had to give a lacklustre explanation to everyone as well. Yuuri’s dog had passed away a few months ago. He was homesick. Nervous around new people. But to Viktor, Yuuri could do no wrong, so the other Yuri had gotten an earful. Phichit giggled around another mouthful of beer. He had to admit it was satisfying to see the somewhat famous guitarist on the receiving end of a lecture.

Phichit glanced back to the computer screen. He still had a lot of work to do. There was a whole bunch of footage of them practicing the Muse song that he didn’t want to include, a bunch at the beginning while he’d been setting up the camera. But in the middle was a Yuuri Katsuki Chopin feast and he’d be damned if he didn’t do it justice.

He thanked his past self for deciding to do this – thanked Minako for suggesting it in the first place. He’d always have faith in Yuuri, but he knew the guy too well to believe he’d audition just like that. Something was bound to send him running, not to mention he was already stressed to the nines about the whole Lilia-being-his-supervisor thing.

Phichit hated himself for sneaking around like this – hated that he was being so underhand with his best friend. But at the same time, he knew it was the right thing to do in a roundabout way. Even from the raw footage, anyone could tell that Yuuri was one of the best pianists at SIM. Probably on his way to being top in the city.

Phichit fast-forwarded to where his rendition of the Ravel piece began, watching Yuuri bend and sway with the music, completely enraptured.

This was the Yuuri he knew well. The Yuuri that hid behind all the tears and self-doubt. The Yuuri he knew Viktor could see as clear as day.

And if he had to sneak a recording of him to Yakov to prove it to him, then that was exactly what Phichit was going to do.

[maverick-werewolf]

Random Werewolf Fact #20 - How to Kill a Werewolf (Weaknesses)

The age-old question that people like to ask but seems so easy to answer in most movies, because they always die - how do you actually kill a werewolf, anyway?

I wrote a post on silver once, if you recall. But here’s a much more robust version of what can and cannot actually hurt a werewolf.

As you probably already know by now, werewolves are often essentially invincible. Often, but not always. In some stories, killing a werewolf was just as easy as killing any other person or any other wolf. Burning at the stake was common, as you might imagine.

Or more often than not, the werewolf simply cannot be killed, and you have to find a way to fix/revert/cure them instead. For more details on all this and more, you can also see one of my previous posts on werewolf abilities.

Want to get Mav all fired up? Tell me about werewolves with ridiculously stupid contrived weaknesses. Send me an ask if you want a rant. Honestly, I got very angry just writing this post, thinking about the stupid crap people do. But for now, I’ll just stick to info as well as I can.

Did NOT appear in folklore:

Silver - The big one. The fake one. The one completely made up by Curt Siodmak in 1941 when he wrote his movie The Wolf Man. The one I’ve said many times and had some people point at me and just say “So... Yeah. Wrong.” Well, right back at you, O friendly one. You’ll hear people now and then try to tell you that this whole silver thing for werewolves started around the Beast of Gevaudan; it did not, that was a fictional retelling and embellishment someone wrote years later. Some people will try to tell you there are other stories that mention silver for werewolves in a folkloric fashion. The trouble is, I’ve never seen any properly documented and accountable sources to back up these claims, so honestly I can’t bring myself to believe they exist, especially since Curt Siodmak and people who worked with him said themselves that he made up the silver thing completely from his imagination. So anyone scouring legends to find silver, picking up trails of contrivances and mistellings and misinterpretations over the years, trying to hard to make this a real thing - they’re all wasting their time. Folkloric werewolves are not sensitive to silver and never have been. Does silver appear in other folklore? Sometimes, yes. Is it alchemically associated with the moon and that’s probably why Siodmak picked it (because he chose to associate his werewolves with the moon)? Probably, yeah. Does it make for a good story? Well, yeah, it can! But, I’m sorry, it simply is not from any folklore anywhere that specifically werewolves are sensitive to, or can only be slain by, silver.

Holy ground/holy artifacts - This is also not a thing. Werewolves aren’t unholy. They aren’t like vampires or other unholy monsters like evil spirits and demons; in fact, they have absolutely nothing to do with any of those things. And even when some Satanic sorcerer court cases got mislabeled as being werewolves, the wolf sorcerers still weren’t repelled by holy symbols or unable to step on holy ground.

Vampire bites - As I’ll be detailing in a future post, the whole “werewolves vs vampires” thing is a very modern idea made by modern storytellers. Vampires have no special natural “weapons” against werewolves and vice versa. Vampire bites certainly don’t “poison” werewolves.

Fire - No, fur is not made of pure oil that will catch on fire and burn like pitch the second it comes into the tiniest contact with a single freaking match. It doesn’t catch on fire instantly and it won’t stay burning forever like some eternal flame. Also, in berserker lore, they are specified to be immune to both iron and fire. And in fact I’ve been led to understand that really the only thing that causes your hair or fur to burn is the body oils that coat it. Listing this as some kind of unique and special weakness for werewolves, like everyone likes to do, is ridiculously silly, please stop doing this. And listing it because fire scares animals is also silly because werewolves aren’t animals; they’re werewolves. Anyway, no, this wasn’t a thing in folklore, either.

Running water - This is another undead/evil spirits/vampires thing, never once associated with werewolves, particularly as werewolves are not unholy.

Loud noises/bright lights/whatnot - As you might imagine, no one in the days of actual werewolf beliefs was running around with flashbangs, so no, this never really happened either.

Wolfsbane and belladonna - This is a really popular one and another one that originated from The Wolf Man (1941) when Curt Siodmak decided to associate his werewolf with the wolfsbane flower. Basically, Siodmak dictated to the world what his werewolves are like and then everyone decided to copy him and now it’s all but universal canon that werewolves are like his werewolves. It’s pretty wild, really. Wouldn’t it be amazing if that happened to you, if you suddenly just up and told the entire world what this monster is like for essentially the rest of its existence in all storytelling everywhere?

Electricity - This seems to be an increasingly common thing. I mean, yeah, most everything is “sensitive” to electricity, right? This is another new thing, though, so it’s like whatever.

Literally everything else in all those TV shows - Yes, all those shows you watch that have werewolves in them. Supernatural, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Being Human, Teen Wolf, you name it. They all made up a gracious plenty of things, some ranging from completely ridiculous (sulfate gas, what? What does that even...?) to arguably more reasonable. Of course if you ask me most are ridiculous. Blood loss? Really? What do you think the regeneration is even there for?

Of course, making up weaknesses for your werewolves isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I’m not saying it’s innately bad; not at all (well alright except some of them and especially the unholy thing... can we not?). Especially since I hold to the idea that they should be essentially invincible otherwise. But none of these have actual folkloric sources - that is my point.

Appeared in folklore:

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - You heard it right. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Big goose egg. Nothing. Naught. Nichts. Ekkert. Nec entem. Ingenting. And now you also know how to say “nothing” in various ways and languages, too.

Want a few of the weirder instances of how werewolves were actually defeated? All of these only happened once on an individual level. In one case, we get the idea that speaking a werewolf’s Christian name will turn them back to their human form. In another case, if you throw a piece of iron over their head, they’ll turn back.

Do any of these actually hurt, kill, or “cure” them, though? Nope, sorry.

No weaknesses. Good luck with that. You know Wolverine, right, from Marvel? He’s much more of a proper werewolf than like 95% of werewolves in pop culture.

So next time you’re making up werewolves for your world or something, if you want them to have no weaknesses - hey, that can still be on point. Or you can just use silver, because honestly everyone takes that for granted now. And I’m not denying it’s fun (I use it in my own setting, though I have a gratuitous backstory to go with the why and the how, instead of it “just being a thing,” and no one knows why/the creator[s] don’t really know why or care to know either).

But for goodness sake, if you use silver, don’t do that obnoxious thing where people act like you can somehow feed a werewolf silver and it’ll kill them (like they’ll just swallow silver for some reason lololol so funneh and trickseh). Even if they did swallow it, you realize vomiting is a thing, right, especially if it’s something actively burning your insides? Or people who act like you can actually shove it down their throat in the middle of combat. That is the stupidest thing ever in the history of everything. It wouldn’t work and you would die and the werewolf wouldn’t be anything except really mad and busy tearing your stupid head off. Get out.

*ahem* So there you have it! Enjoy.

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