#i cant study for the life of me
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the adhd paralysis is REAL rn
#i have to travel for uni for like 5 weeks in about 2 weeks time so naturally i'm useless unless its to do with that#despite my exam tomorrow and also thursday#yEET#i cant study for the life of me#but if i break myself out of this sometime tonight i'll write a thing or two#if not ... tuesday is a public holiday here so i'll do something about it then#<33#・★ *。:- OOC ══ ❝ three ounces of 100% concentrated whoop ass ❞#ive just been staring into the distance trying to make myself do SOMETHING
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there’s such an attitude among ex-christian atheists that religions just spring up out of the void with no cultural context behind them. like ive heard people say shit like “those (((zionists))) think they own a piece of land bc their book of fairy tales told them so!!!” and they refuse to understand that no, we don’t belong there because of the torah, it’s in the torah because we belong there. because we’re from there. the torah (from a reform perspective) was written by ancient jews in and about the land that they were actively living on at the time. the torah contains instructions for agriculture because the people who lived in the land needed a way to teach their children how to care for it. it contains laws of jurisprudence because those are pretty important to have when you’re trying to run a society. same for the parts that talk about city planning. it contains our national origin story for the same reason that american schools teach kids about the boston tea party. it’s an extremely complex and fascinating text that is the furthest thing from just a “book of fairy tales”
#txt#jumblr#i’ll never forget studying parashat noach one week#and i was discussing it at face value as if it was a real historical event just bc that was the most interesting way for me to approach it#and our clergy associate was like ‘okay but we know this is a fable right?’#that just. *chefs kiss* perfectly encapsulates reform judaism to me#this is also why i cant stand when ppl act like reform jews are somehow less religious#i LOVE torah. i love diving into the text and discussing it w people and exploring the historical context behind the words#and treating it as a document written by a human society rather than coming directly fully formed from hashem#adds such a FASCINATING dimension to analyzing the text#what were we thinking when we wrote this? what had recently been happening around us that might have inspired this passage?#what practical meaning did this particular commandment have for daily life in that time?#i love torah i love history i love anthropology and i love judaism#AND THE NATIONAL ORIGIN STORY AS A NARRATIVE FRAMING FOR ALL THE PRACTICAL LAWS!!!!!!! oooooohhhh i love it
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#testing testing 123#not bien but this would send 15 year old avo into cardiac arrest#senator shockwave#i followed a tutorial online how to color and thats the best i came up with#im lying there was no tutorial. i looked at this one image until my brain started bleeding#maccadam#also yeh this is new. clap clap clap clap you drew omg avo--SHADDAP#this is somehow high effort and low effort at the same time. ive confused myself#i need to find transformers artists to study. ill start with seafood pie#i cant for the life of me even begin to comprehend what any of these materials are#wait wtf this comic has been out for 12 years? ill drink to that#my special mgtrn lunchable is waiting for me#something about being into tf again makes me crave beauty#i want to capture it. hold it a little. and then release it again from my own hands
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from @/elfbotanist on twitter who is posting from trick's bluesky; they elaborated a bit on exactly what the intention of the solavellan ending is
#honestly#this is a lot more sad than i originally interpreted it#i was like oh they can leave if he confronts his regrets like rook did#but it doesnt seem like that is the case?#maybe it is a possibility but he has to stay there to study the blight that is also trapped there?#honestly i love this ending the more i sit with it#but the more i sit with it also the more it hurts#i was expecting him to die and i was really prepared for that#but this is tragic in a way i wasnt expecting and its got me so fucked up#its beautifully poetic#the trickster god who freed slaves and trapped tyrants allowing himself to be trapped#to make up for everything he has done#for him to return to the fade after being forced into the physical world#for him to follow mythal into the physical only for his mortal lover to follow him back into the fade so he wouldn't have to be alone#lavellan giving up her life for this makes me sob#i love her i love this its so fucking bittersweet i could die#and with what tay said about a dalish keeper's role being to guard everyone from the dreadwolf#thats exactly what shes doing but because she loves him she is helping hold him accountable#i genuinely cannot stop sobbing this is so insane#i cant believe they managed to absolutely bamboozle me like this because i did not expect something so tragic#well played trick weekes.....#solavellan#solas#veilguard spoilers#dragon age the veilguard spoilers#da:v spoilers#dav spoilers
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oo u want 2 draw soo bad..
#i hate that my ability to draw is so conditional#its soo frustrating but i dont know how to break it. this has been the one thing thats never changed.ill never be free#times like rn i just do studies but its soo fking BORINGGG euuhh...#but if i try 2 draw something for funsies i just stare at the blank canvas. literally immobile. & u know how people r like just draw#something anyways. a line. something. and its like no i cant do that oi cant even do that u underestimate my freak#i want 2attack myself from the pov of someone else#i think im having the realization tht i will never be able to do art stuff frls and its driving me crazy i think.#like im actually sick and unwell frm the thought of it.my friend commissioned me and im ab 2 send the money back#after two weeks bc i cant do it im literally frozen dude.i want 2 cry and die and explode into a million pieces#wait im back to add more.idk if anyone feels the same way but its like. i know its entirely a Me issue its a mental block issue#theres something thats not connecting in my head but its like.why is it so easy for everyone else ykwim...and thats a lie too right#like everyone else struggles w art and its not.it cant exist Without you struggling and practicing hard and trusting yourself#but in my brain im just convinced that like.i cant do this i cant do this like everyone else can do it like second nature and it freaks me#tf out#but also its the one thing i want to do more than anything else in my life and so like if i cant do it i dont know what to do.ughh.#not me freaking the fuck out rn lawl.lols.even#and on top of it i feel like i cant express myself well and i think my friend. < SOOO awesome and well meaning and NICE and legitimately#pushing me to try and believe that i can do this stuff but i feel like they wont understand the sort of like.mental block im struggling wit#like its less that i hate my art or something i dont its more like.i just feel soo physically restrained and incapable of doing it.suddenly#i cant think and i cant do anything.i have no creativity i have no ideas my mind is quite literally blank and empty
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some more organic chemistry tutor video notes. my hero, id be lost without him <3
#chaotic studyblr#study motivation#studyblr#study notes#studyspo#study aesthetic#study blog#studyinspo#student life#studying#stuydblr#stem aesthetic#stem studyblr#stem academia#stemblr#stem#women in stem#stem student#chemistry#science#finals are killing me#finals#study notes bc i cant draw often bc college is mean#chaotic notes#chaotic academia#chaotic academic aesthetic#digital notes#notability
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having adhd in college be like
- I can't focus on anything my programming teacher is saying
- let me look up a YouTube tutorial explaining the exact same thing he's doing
- passes the class by watching and following 4-hours YouTube tutorials during class time instead of paying attention
#programming#college#adhd#YouTube tutorials are life savers#like yeah i cant focus on this man that studied for years to teach me this#bc i can focus on the tiny man on my phone that i can pause and have him repeat himself as many times as i want
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like i'm trying to find the words to explain why i found don juan in soho to be so profound and interesting but all i'm coming up with is "they stabbed dj in the dick and when he comes back up to do the curtain call you can see the blood on his pants 10/10 attention to detail and commitment to the bit"
#don juan in soho#david tennant#sorry. evil casanova got to me. i don't know#IM KIND OF SO OBSESSED WITH HOW DJ DEALS WITH THE TICKING CLOCK COUNTING DOWN TO THE END OF HIS LIFE#HIS RECKONING WITH HIS MORTALITY HUMANIZES HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE#BUT LIKE STILL#DOES HE WANT TO DIE DOES HE HATE HIMSELF FOR WHAT HE IS OR DOES HE JUST NOT GIVE A FUCK#HE WANTS TO LIVE AS HE PLEASES AND WOULD DIE IF HE CANT HAVE IT#SO WHAT DOES HE WANT TRULY#DOES HE HAVE A HEART DEEP DOWN OR IS THERE NOTHING THERE#IM CRAZY#WAS WHAT HE DID TO ELVIRA A BREAKING POINT FOR HIMSELF AND THATS WHY HIS SUBCONSCIOUS CRIED OUT TO THE STATUE#WAS THERE A SECOND OF HIS APOLOGY TO HIS FATHER THAT WAS GENUINE#OR DOES HE NOT CARE AT ALL#WAS HIM KEEPING STAN AROUND WITHOUT PAYING HIM BECAUSE STAN IS THE CLOSEST THING HE HAS TO A FRIEND#AND HE WANTS TO IMAGINE THAT STAN IS STAYING FOR HIM RATHER THAN HIS MONEY#OR IS HE THAT CASUALLY CRUEL TO THE ONE PERSON CLOSEST TO UNDERSTANDING HIM#HOWWWWWWWW MUCH IS HIS LACK OF AUTHENTICITY LACKING IN AUTHENTICITYYYYYYYYYY#HOW MUCH OF IT IS CRUELTY AND HOW MUCH OF IT IS SELF HATRED#CHARACTER OF ALL TIME HE SUCKS SO FUCKING BAD IN NEARLY EVERY WAY AND I'M ENRAPTURED#if i were stan i would stick around purely to try to study him like a lab experiment#ok
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finally caved and started reading all for the game. two chapters into the foxhole court and what kind of gay fucking shit is this! also did not know there were sports in here
#idk whats going on i thought it was like the raven cycle with magic and shit its called the foxhole court??? no fae???? what the fuck!!!#and i cant understand whats happening with the sports. i didnt get it. i hope i dont need to i just know kevin is top dog of the bad dogs#neil is mid mid except hes got a death wish so they want him carnally???#ill be reading it super slowly bc im busy but i can feel it slowly turning up the heat on my brain cells as i read. they are burning.#ive got naught but ten#and neil's not neil but he is and he has a bag of secrets he's hiding in someone else's closet like okayyyy go off author fuck whats the#authors name.... nora sakavic FUCK I SHOULDVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST A WOMAN NAMED NORA#i dont know...i dont know.... but also the only gay neil i know is the one from dead poets society and its hard to separate the two rn#is the rest of the book going to be like this what did i get myself into. am i mentally prepared#bc i wasnt for trc and it FUCKED! ME! UP! im STILL insane#ugh. ugh. anyway. way gayer than expected. also at one point someone asks ''how safe is safe'' and MY DISAPPOINTMENT#when the answer wasnt safe as life? immeasurable. in fact i had to close the book. went to study accounting.#ACCOUNTING. HELLO?? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME IN HERE???#the tree speaks#all for the game#aftg#what are yalls tags?#neil josten#the raven cycle#trc
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So, since BB!Ivypool will use her newfound deputy status to force a confrontation with Dovewing- how would she react if Dovewing snaps and told her to her face that she never, EVER wanted to speak with her again after everything? Like, would it click for her that even if she deeply regrets the way she treated her sister, no matter how sorry she is its up to Dovewing if she's ever forgiven? Or does she blame Heartstar thinking she turned her sister against her?
Let's pop open the hood of BB!Ivypool and her fucked up little life, and every person she's been leading up to the end of BB!TBC.
All of this starts with her father, Lionblaze, raising her with this axiom; That you are given strength to serve your Clan.
While he used Dovepaw and her powers in service of ThunderClan (often fighting with her mentor, Birchfall), Lionblaze encouraged his daughter to involve herself in Dark Forest training. Ivypaw felt like this was how she "earned" affection from her Ba, with hard work.
Just as Lionblaze believed that his physical abuse at the paw of Ashfur made him stronger, Ivypool also came to believe that growing up thrown to the wolves made her stronger too.
So when Dovewing first started to... not even REJECT the idea, just display any resentment towards it at all, it's like a personal slight.
No one ever fucking listens to Dovewing. No one cares what she wants. Just what she can do for them.
And Ivypool was super part of that. Her mentor is Brightheart, who often overexerts herself as an expression of PTSD. She saw Hawkfrost "die" turning against Tigerstar for the greater good. She sees Bumblestripe "working so hard" to "help Dovewing adjust" while she's losing her hearing.
In her eyes, Dovewing was being selfish. Look at all these people who give EVERYTHING to their Clans-- how dare you try and make it about yourself?
Tigerheart, in and out of their life constantly, gets blamed because it's a lot easier to pin it all on the Evil Codebreaking Foreigner than admit that maybe Dovewing has a point. Ah HA! THERE is the villain responsible for making my sister act weird! I knew it all along!
(Plus Tigerheart and Ivypool got pitted against each other a LOT in DF training because Ivy was Hawkfrost's apprentice and Tigerheart was Tigerstar's, for some incredibly fucked up projection reasons you'd expect of Tunnelbunstar. Ivypool will nonsensically blame Tigerheart like she's a Dinkleberg.)
(Also tbf tigerheart would 100% let her believe it, 1. Because it's funny, and 2. Because it takes the heat off Dovewing)
And Ivypool was VICIOUS about this. AVoS is still getting shuffled but if anything vindictive she did towards Dove in that arc gets removed, I will replace it with something just as bad. She would actively sabotauge ShadowClan if it meant keeping Tigerheart away from Dovewing.
She can't handle the thought of losing Dovewing. At some point, it became about control. It's her insecurity towards herself, towards her family, towards all of her losses, and even towards service of her very Clan.
And then Dovewing booked it. Couldn't handle this shit and panicked and BAILED.
And THEN it's about getting Dovewing BACK. She's even dragged Fernsong into this and tried to leverage his friendship with Dovewing to this end. She'll even support Bumblestripe when he tries to argue for an invalidation of Queen’s Rights on technicality.
Ivypool: "Those kits are Bumblestripe's! He has a claim! They even have HIS MANE"
Heartstar: "Hmm. No, it is very clearly MY mane."
Ivypool: "You can't-- wait what?"
Heartstar: "Lightkit even has my beautiful smile <3 so fuck off, maybe?"
For a long time that's where Ivypool was. She was the awful, vindictive sister-in-law constantly trying to weasel in to make Dovewing feel bad. When she had kittens of her own, she was still in this mindset.
It didn't end well. In BB!TBC, Bristlefrost needed her. Ivypool stepped in to prevent her from being the impostor's pawn, but refused to do anything when she was caught and imprisoned for being in a HalfClan relationship. She needed to be punished as a codebreaker.
Brought to the next Gathering, the impostor reiterated the need to enforce the code, and desperate times calling for desperate measures. He called for SkyClan to punish their own warrior. They refused to make this a public spectacle.
So he sliced open her throat, right on the branch beside him.
Ivypool didn't imagine she would be KILLED. Suddenly her whole world shattered. The moon stayed clear and bright. Her daughter was dead before she hit the ground and she had HERSELF to blame.
Dovewing and Ivypool served in the rebellion together, and eventually Ivy went into the Dark Forest as a Light in the Mist. She watched Bristlefrost die, AGAIN, knocking Ashfur out of the sky and burning them both up in orbit, and how brave Shadowsight had been in pinning him in place.
Ivypool NEEDS Dovewing to know now that she's different. She's learned a lot. She understands so, so much more now...
But DOES she? She still hates Heartstar's guts. She still feels abandoned. How different ARE you now, Ivypool, with your renewed interest in finding some petty reason to skirt around Dovewing's direct wishes? When you're still here getting into blowout arguments with Heartstar?
So to answer the question, if Dovewing told her directly, "I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DESPERATION. IM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FEELINGS. PISS OFF"
Ivypool would not be able to accept that.
It just wouldn't stick, ever. It really is desperation. Dovewing NEEDS to know that Ivypool loves her and misses her, and that she understands, but also that Heartstar is delusional, and this is still kind of Dovewing's fault. And Ivypool will do anything to make her know this.
But I also DO want to say; this is a very unique weakness. It is Dovewing Derangement Syndrome. Ivypool is a competent deputy, and she is a devoted and respected warrior of ThunderClan. It will be no surprise she's being picked for deputy, especially considering (god willing) Squirrelstar is seeking war with ShadowClan.
She is a good friend, mate, and leader. But BB!Ivypool is so, so fucked in the head about Dovewing. This family can fit so much trauma in it
#BB!Ivypool#Better bones au#BB!OOTS#bb!TBC#BB!Dovewing#BB!Heartstar#Ivy is both a victim and a perpetrator. I do have sympathy for her#Which I think is what really makes this so juicy#But your pain doesn't mean you get to have whatever you want#Or even whatever you think you need#I think it's hard to explain it because it's not logical AT ALL#It's a boiling soup of strong and desperate emotions that Ivy has not unpacked#And how can you even? SO much has happened to Ivy#So many awful and DIFFERENT things#I want to study her#For the record btw I am on Dovewing's side in this conflict tho lmaoooooooo#Dovewing I'm so sorry. It's extremely fun watching Ivypool try to break into your house to rearrange your fridge magnets to say 'TALK TO ME#You deserve better. But I cant look away.#Dovewing is trying so hard to become a background character it's hysterical#Girl you are in the Main Character Family (for bb at least) you are not allowed to have a peaceful life with your beautiful wife
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...
#i turn 27 tomorrow and i feel like my life is collapsing in around me#i officially made the decision to take the summer off. which i hate. which means i have to get a summer job#when ive only ever had jobs in academia so my resume looks insane if im applying to work in a bakery or whatever#im just so tired. everything makes me so tired and sad. i still dont kno what im gonna do#im glad my dad is here bc he gets it more than most ppl bc hes also dyslexic and like everyone assumes im fine bc ive got this far#but like at what cost? im doing a job where im set up to suffer. and for what? im doing something so niche and weird#all i can do is more academia. but what if i cant cut it? what if i would b better off getting a epa job or something where i can do my job#and then go home and stop thinking abt it. how do i apply the stupid bullshit i decided to study? i should have done Ecosystem restoration#or something. its just that my dream was to study weird things in weird places and now it feels like that dream is collapsing#which is devastating. im gonna try to come back in the fall and give it a go but like i dunno it feels so hopeless rn#im just so tired. i have no joy. i just want to lay on the floor#unrelated
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Shoutout to Arnold Rimmer and his hyperactive leg, he is too real to handle and I hate it.
#red dwarf#arnold rimmer#by no means is this the only similarity between him and me#but its the most obvious#also horrible at math#cant study to save my life#and gay as fuck#kinning unfortunate characters is something I would wish on my worst enemy tbh
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"How come Orion was okay with Bee cutting people in half but not Megatron killing Sentinel"
Well you see there's a difference between killing someone in combat when they're actively trying to kill you back (self-defense) versus killing someone who's been physically disabled, can no longer fight, and is actively surrendering and trying to run away, hope that helps
#squiggposting#i mean the moral argument is basically that killing a surrendering enemy is not very cash money in general terms#but honestly to draw a real life comparison. ive studied use of force/lethal force laws bc i own a gun#and of course this is just a US standard that varies by state and ppl have lots of feelings about what's 'justified'#but even in one of the most gun supporting states (texas) you need to like. justify your use of lethal force#the legal terms/situations dont really apply to the situation in TF1 bc it's like. civil war vs civilian/civilian crime#but one of the legal contingencies to justify using lethal force in self defense is basically that there has to actually be danger#and even if someone objectively attacked you first. if you attack them back and disable them to the point they're crawling on the ground#most courts of law would not find it acceptable for you to pull out a gun and kill them (use of deadly force)#bc even tho you can argue 'they attacked me first' you cant argue that you were actually in danger at the time you chose to kill them#so like. legally speaking even in cases of self defense in the most pro gun pro self defense states in a pro gun country#if you use deadly force on someone who can't fight back against you and is no longer trying to attack you at the time you use it#you're probably gonna be slapped with charges. and if you dont get prosecuted criminally you certainly will be civilly#anyways. TLDR killing surrendering enemies is generally considered not very cash money even if they attacked you first
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pinterest sketches (x, x, x)
#lg doodles#figure drawing#art study#i like this brush 4 practice. idk if you can tell from here#but the drawing path will often split into two lines bc its supposed 2 be a 'chalky' brush#and i think it helps me think less abt line quality and more ab the whole drawing#im trying to get better at drawing bodies esp bodies in unconventional poses (i like top right personally)#but i still need to work on perspective and proportionality#like the bottom one doesnt quite get there. i lose a lot of depth bc i flattened it in my mind#also i cant Crunch bodies .. like i drew his arm abnormally long bc i couldnt figure out how to deepen his back leg#so that its on the same horizon as his hand.much 2 think ab.#but i had fun. so thats a plus. yaay. <did not go 2 life drawing like i said i would#and back 2 top right i do like the contour lines or whatever u would call them. i think his back#is the most simplistic of the whole page and i rly like the style.want 2 make everything that simple#i do also like the face on the bottom.bc i always avoid faces in poses. ITS BAD IRTS A BAD HABIT !!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED 2 STOP !!!!!
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Me and my freaking ship charts for my freaky mind
#I'm gonna rant about them in the tags a lil bit so bear with me#I really like the idea of them taking turns “spooning” each other (or just one laying on top of the other idk)#bc they listen to each others' heartbeats since Lisa's dying lmao#and idk where losa being taller came from#but her canon height says she's 5'11 and i believe it honestly#and kind of the same thing with her being trans; i just think it's a neat character study#especially since we dont know anything about her past or who she was before the game's events#and i didnt rly know how to mark Jean's flirtiness levels because Jean flirtation is VERY different from Lisa flirtation#hers is much more unintentional or very charming like a kiss to the back of Lisa's hand or dancing her around her office when it's late#and she speaks formally too which adds to the unintentional rizz#Lisa cant help but fall for her fr#and i think they are the embodiment of the “fell first fell harder” trope#Lisa falls first and she's content to watch Jean from afar bc she knows how important her job and Mond are to her#and then Jean finally catches up tripping falling bleeding all over ripping her heart out to show Lisa how it beats for her#altho i think it was hard for her to come to terms with it especially since she doesnt want her personal life to interfere with work#so she has to find the balance first#and Jean also knows that being flirty is just who Lisa is and that they are both extremely loyal to each other#but Lisa gets pushed a lot probably when other women start hitting on Jean a little too much#and they're both equally overprotective of each other especially out on dangerous missions#but Lisa feels like she HAS to protect Jean more bc of her importance to the safety of Mond#this is just me rambling tho im literally so in love with them bc theyre just so soft and the wives ever#i am the most sane jeanlisa shipper actually#ty for coming to my ted talk#jean gunnhildr#lisa mici#jeanlisa#genshin impact#ship chart#character art is mine
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i think the worldbuilding problems started when elves as a race became everything. Like everything getting tied to them or likely to be tied to them narrows the experience and we don't even know any other in-game continents other than thedas.
But damn making a fantasy world where humans and their religion and even their dna is the most dominant is just boring lol i wish in Origins, where it all start from, the lore and humans place in them built different. Because it's giving nothing to me i have seen this unravel again and again both myself and in history or even in a wikipedia page or in the most random aritcle on religion/history possible where religious institutions uses people's values and do something with them and keeping their power while having a culture-changing degenerative outcomes... Like the moment i take a look at the templars and chantry and andraste i knew what was up.
We're humans ourselves and in fantasy we look for something different. But totally agree on the take about what matters in the story being how institutions work as a whole rather than the gods themselves. However the more i learn about ghilan'nain it makes me excited cause experimental stuff and a story of ambition for wanting to rise to godhood. I guess that's because my focus is more on the character
honestly that's interesting because that's the reason why i find the way humans work in da so interesting (not the dominant dna tho that's silly). even if they don't always do it well, i love how much they've drawn from history to try and make the chantry convincing, it feels extremely real and grounded in the way a lot of fantasy religion doesn't. and ig it's a matter of preference bc a lot of people go to fantasy for things that AREN'T real, but i just feel like the emotional connection is hard to pin down when you aren't touching on real history or politics in fantasy. the reason the mage-templar conflict hits so hard is because it feels like it could/would happen in our own society
and i think my aversion to the ghilan'nain stuff is bc i'm just allergic to godhood stories tbh... it's so hard to define what becoming a god would even mean beyond a vague "limitless power and control over everything yaaay" ok but what do you actually Want
#i think it's bc im not typically a fantasy fan tbh. i know that sounds insane as someone hopelessly addicted to#fantasy video games. but im just very interested in the more social and cultural stuff...#i think a lot of fantasy pantheon stuff ends up feeling disconnected because theyre just looking at what makes real life#pantheons Cool without studying the cultural contexts#ask#anonymous#also i may just be autistic about this. i cant conceptualise gods being characters you can hang out with. it makes no sense to me
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