#i cant stop thinking about this ask. i dont intentionally do things like this to make people laugh i just live like this

[arcaneyouth]

you're such an entertaining person has anyone ever told you that

does me suffering bring you joy. does the worst thing ive ever experienced in my life satisfy you? i was forced to walk a little bit when i was 20 years old.

[only-omo]

characters who "dont wet".

and by that i mean characters who always have enough bladder control that even when they are past their limit and urine is slowly dribbling down their legs, thats all it ever is. no forceful wetting, no "loss of control", not completely. just leaking every few minutes until they can hold it again. sometimes big leaks that immediately give them away (or dont, but now they cant move without being caught so), throwing those around them into a panic; sometimes smaller leaks that are easier to hide in terms of damage, but so much harder in terms of the strain it puts on their bladder to only let out so little

and it really is something special, because it can get to a point where their pants are notably soaked to the hems, maybe even a small puddle or two depending on if theyve been walking around, and theyre still squirming like mad, or trying not to, because this is damage that happened over the course of nearly an hour or more.

eventually if theyre with people someones gonna ask why they dont just give up already, theyve already fully wet themselves in terms of damage, and doing it this way is really doing nothing but causing way more damage than necessary. because at this point even if they wanted to hide it still - i mean, it is horribly embarrasing to consistently wet yourself over the span of an hour (or more) i think - its painfully obvious every time they leak, their clothes too soaked to absorb it quick enough, unavoidably leading to small-to-incredibly-messy puddles each time.

whether theyre able to answer the person or just stutter and get out not much more than "i dont know", they cant bring themselves to intentionally stop holding, despite the risks, and the only way to fully empty their bladder not at a toilet would be to intentionally choose to wet. so they keep "holding".

from here it will go one of two ways, either they finally get access to a bathroom, where they will likely suffer latch-key incontinence and finally fully lose control on the way from the door to the toilet, likely not able to do anything but maybe sit down to try to minimize mess, otherwise just staring as urine re-soaks their pants and gathers on the floor underneath them (and its obvious they re-wet, so they cant pretend they made it, potentially leading to comments from someone about why they bothered so hard just to not make it anyway, to their utter embarrassment). or they dont find a bathroom, and theres nothing they can do but keep trying to hold it.

now i know from experience that around this point you really do start to feel sick, but its in an exhilaratingly horrible way. your body starts to fight itself to the point where it actually changes your thought pattern. and not in the typical "ohmygodohmygodineedtopee" type of way that some people arent susceptible to, but in a strange way where the most logical thing in existence at that moment is that they should not be holding their pee, regardless of location, as if societal standards didnt exist, as if it truly didnt matter where they peed or what they were wearing when they did it. the way their bladder is so confused it cant do much but dully ache, no longer sharp or threatening leaks, but still the most pressing thing on their mind.

their bladder will actually shut their brain down, reverting them to basic instinct, and theres a good chance at some point their bladder will contract, and the only thing they can physically do is not only just let it out, but actively push it out as hard as they can, and if they could think it would feel intentional, the way their muscles are locked forcefully contracting as if almost by choice, completely negating the previous struggle of eventually regaining control; but they arent thinking, and that choice is more "dont die" than it is "wet myself".

obviously, its messy. its messy and its sudden, as they likely started to go despondent as the sickly feeling hit. its sudden, and its messy, and its loud. theyre not only just wetting themself, but pushing as if the urine was burning their bladder, and they have to get it out (not too far from the truth). trying not only to get out every last drop, but to get out the last drop as soon as possible. and there isnt any relief until a good minute or so after they finish, so theyre wetting with that full force, as if their bladder were still full, the entire time - which is likely a good minute or two, as despite everything theyve lost until now, their bladder was still mostly full - until it suddenly cuts off. it will get everywhere, and itll have everyones attention, and then itll be silent, aside from the light pattering of stray urine that hasnt yet reached the floor.

the most common response would likely be speechlessness, people arent used to bladders that can cause that much of an issue, even incontinent people usually just wet and get it over with.

and the wetters brain will only kick back on after theyre empty, though still in an almost daze of all the sensations and emotions. theyve been sitting in their slowly growing shame for at least an hour at this point so the social repercussions arent really hitting them (though they definitely will as the adrenaline drops), and theyre mostly focused on the stressful feeling of knowing that this must be horribly unhealthy, to end up feeling that way, and to just be primarily aware of the fact that they just totally pissed themself; more than they are anything that means, aside from that theyre soaked.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being truthful with my husband's coworker?

I (23f) have a husband (25m) who is very close with his coworkers. They come over to our house a lot for DND, holidays, etc.

One of his coworkers, N (27m) and I were close. N is very charismatic and flirts with EVERYONE. My husband legitimately did not care, I've even showed him me and N's texts before which look the same as my husband and N's- yes some flirting but nothing actually serious. Most of it is joking

Well, N started dating someone they all work with, J. I had never met J, I have 0 clue her age. The first time we met, I tried to be inviting as there isn't a lot of girls around except those of us that are married or who already are coworkers. She seemed shy, maybe a bit socially awkward.

Then the second time, I caught her pointing at me and whispering to her best guy friend and they both started laughing. It felt like I was in high school, but I ignored it. N had been out of the room. This was at MY house.

We've met a handful of times since, and by a handful I mean literally 5 times. Every time she does not say a word to me. I've tried talking to her and she'll blankly stare at me. So I've stopped. If she doesn't want to be friends that is her choice.

Except my husband caught her vagueposting about me on social media. N doesn't have social media fyi. She basically posted the exact outfit I was wearing, something that happened, and then put "what a dumb situation caused by someone stupid, but at least the outfit was cute". She also replied to a comment saying i was flirting with her man and a homewrecker, which is why I brought up how N is because he is like that with EVERYONE. So I haven't liked her since because, sure she can be upset with N and me joking and "flirting" even if N is like that with every coworker and even my husband, but to post about me and call me stupid just seemed petty and rude

I asked N if she was uncomfortable with our interactions, because J had me blocked on social media and I couldn't ask her, and N said she shouldn't be because he treats me no different then anyone else.

Well, any group hang outs she doesn't come to. There is always an excuse, and I dont even want to invite her because of what she said about me. Except for DND which I am not a part of (I do enjoy it, but the way they play is so fast paced and im dyslexic and not good at math, I have a better time watching then playing so I do other things while they play, it also gives my husband time to enjoy a hobby he likes alone). Anytime J is over for DND she ignores me or whispers to her guy friend when I'm around. N is still N, flirting with everyone (me, my husband, the guy who plays an orc, J, etc.). I dont even think he is intentionally flirting i think he is just very charismatic and some stuff he says can be taken that way

Well most recently N invited us to his house so me and my husband went. J came home started talking to everyone there and then saw us and went to her room (N, J, and two other people live together). She didn't come back out the entire time me and my husband were there, but I found out later she came out once we were gone.

N texted me asking my opinion of J. I was truthful and said, and I quote "Well she seems smart and she is pretty, but I don't really know her. I don't think she likes me, which to each their own. I wish she was a bit more polite about things when she is at my house. Cant really speak on someone i dont know except that shes a bit cold and not who i had thought you would be with.. Otherwise, as long as your happy, what does my opinion matter?" To which N replied "so you have a bigger opinion" and then blocked me.

My husband agrees with me but N is his best friend, they haven't discussed it at work. I have seen J recently, we ran into each other at a store, and she called me a bitch (I guess N told her what I said). AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[trans-axolotl]

for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

[strangeauthor]

heyy if multiple are allowed for the writing post, 2, 4, 7, 10, 18, 22?

i love talking and i have the inability to stop talking so multiple are welcomed

2. What are some common elements of stories you are tired of seeing? What would you avoid writing about?

light=good and pure and dark=bad. so i intentionally subvert in my stories. you can see this in Chaos where B'trayed is potrayed with white and are the Bad Guys and the heroes mostly wear darkerish clothing and are the good guys, or, to be more specific, Nick's uncle eventually gets the power of darkness but is the biggest dork of the cast and has a cat named Pancake

4.In your works, is blood thicker than water or is the blood of the covenant thicker than the water of the womb? (Are familial ties or friendship ties more important?)

its a mixture of both and it depends on the characters, though honestly i like leaning towards the latter.

7. Favorite description in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

this is from my last draft but a lot of the stuff i written in it will be carried over in the final draft because i'm just that iconic

“I said no, Nick.” Amandus stood up, “You just got out of a damn fight with one of them, and now you’re going to a party with them afterwards? Are you serious?” “It’s a chance!” Nick stood up, glowering. “It could be the only other thing in this damn search that can give us clues about dad! All I’ve done is stay at your house!” “Nick, it’s not that simple---” “If we just started the damn search already, maybe none of this would’ve happened!” Nick clenched his fist. “Do you want me to find the truth?” “I do! But here’s the thing, as far as I know, you’re the only person I have at the moment! I can’t lose you! I already had to bury one nephew and I don’t want to bury another!”

man i really like this one the most. there are others of course but this one always gets ppl lol

10. What scene was the most fun to write for you and why?

i think it's the gala scene to be honest, mostly because i had fun describing what the characters were wearing and how it (mostly) correlates to their characterization (except for poor Nick because he hates suits lol)

in the final draft im gonna expand more and actually have them dance and maybe even fight dance at some point. yes i loved that scene in owl house why'd you ask

18. What writers have inspired you with their use of language? What are some of your favorite quotes?

aw man this one hurts because a long, long, long time ago i would've told you it was rick riordan and how he's the literal reason why i'm a writer because of how he described the world in the stories he write and how his characters influenced mine with his language (i dont have any quotes because memory problems lol) but i cant. cause he's a zionist. and it fucking hurts. so i gotta try to find more people to get inspired by so i can answer this one properly.

22. How do you come up with character names? Do the names have a special meaning? If so, what are they?

imma be real with you. i just go on behind the names and try to find the ones that are the most fitting for the character's personality lol there are some that fit; once again, Amandus, his name means worthy of love which i think its nice.

[juni-ravenhall]

Ooh, what kind of horse can Juni's brother turn into? (If you don't mind my asking.)

He intrigues me so...

at the moment im not sure if he turns into one specific horse or if its a more chaotic type of shapeshifting. but it relates to how pandoria = based on the ocean, + my own feelings as someone who both feels drowned and underwater with no way to get onto land and sunshine (the place where others live) in a negative sense (shit life suicidal etc), a dark endless abyss and a different world, but also that i love being in water and feel more comfortable and at peace when im swimming in a lake than i do on land. which i also relate into the feeling that pandoria feels comfortable and at home for him even tho it was killing him, its the only thing he knows - which relates to carrying your trauma and mental illness / ND stuff with you even if things get better (like getting out of pandoria), and, in my case, not being able to relate to normies and not being able to handle being around them, bc their perspectives and lived experiences are so alien to me that i just really cant talk to them.

all that to say, i relate him in some ways to the creatures like bäckahästen / kelpie, even tho hes not intentionally trying to drag anyone into the water. so part of the image is a water-horse.

i think also, that soul horses (in my mind) relate to the rider as their other half in some way, which in juni's horse winterborn's case is an irresponsible horse who just wants to chill and eat - someone who represents juni not overworking herself and enjoying the moment. but for juni's brother, there isnt rly an easy way to give him a chara like this. juni already represents the "version of him" that is mentally healthy and loved and cared for due to having a happy life full of love and support and stability. i think that it might make sense that he *is* his own soul horse, bc he only ever had himself, nobody else to rely on, and that the strength to push through and survive comes from within himself, in lack of any outside help.

this is how i feel in my life since i dont get concrete help from others. everything has to come from inside myself, even healthcare, even diagnosing ppl around me so they can stop abusing me, i had to become a psychologist and doc and dietist and therapist all on my own to save myself, i had to be my own parent, my own teacher. (i'm still not saved ofc. but i survived this far. every day is a struggle.) so i think that his soul horse being himself makes sense in that way, and that maybe, with time, if he was able to start healing and get out of the abyss at the bottom of the ocean, if he was able to start actually living as a person with more of his actual personality shining through and not just a cloud of trauma and horror and emptiness, he might be able to find another half eventually, outside himself. but this isnt relevant yet.

i also have a scene in mind where a strange horse appears on the race track when @yasminewestbank yasmine is racing, and it feels like a strange, dreamlike sequence where this horse is going impossibly fast, but in yasmine's eyes he can see it changing shapes (yasmine being a character who is somewhat between jorvik and pandoria, a connection to both sides). this is loosely based on my childhood memory from a scene in the valhalla series where they compete against strange rivals, but i doubt anyone that reads this will have a clue what im talking about XD

[our-queerplatonic-experience]

hii sorry if this is too venty or depressing or whatever but i really need help

ive been in a qpr with my partner nagisa for like 3 months (weve been friends before that for a few years) and i love him so much ive never wanted anyone in my life more than him. but i am deathly afraid of being a bad partner, and i am even more afraid of him leaving me for someone else even though i know thats not realistic.

he asked one of our ex friends if he could complain to them about something in private and for the rest of the day i felt anxious and sick and guilty like i just killed someone. i cut this friend off mainly because i was so jealous and spiteful (didnt say that tho i feel guilty) (also he was a really shitty person and made me really uncomfortable but it was mainly cuz i was jealous)

whenever im not talking to him my brain shouts to me that im ignoring him and im a horrible cold monster who just has him as a battery to feed my sick desires or whatever the hell that thing tells me at night. whenever i talk to him too much my brain shouts that i look desperate and clingy and i am annoying him hes probably sleeping! but it hurts less than feeling cold. so thats why i try to text him as much as possible. it almost feels like a compulsion, that im not actually texting him because i care and im talking to him so i personally dont feel like shit (ok that made me feel awful to type out but Fuck whatever)

i am not a bad person i really love my partner ive never loved anyone more than him hes the only person i really connect with on a deep level anymore and i think we genuinely have some sort of spiritual bond because of how often we share the same emotions and think the same thoughts at the same time. but i dont really believe in spirituality shit so whatever

he actually has the same issue (but seems to have figured it out better than me) with me and my friend, and it actually made me hate myself so much i have stopped talking to that friend because i dont want him to feel any percent of what i do. when he isn’t there to talk to me i feel alone and abandonded and like my arms have been cut off and like im living without a 3rd dimension. i feel like a normal person when im with him. he is the only thing keeping me sane. i would drop all my friends if he wanted me to

whenever im not talking to him i feel like im neglecting a bird in a cage even though i know he doesn’t need me that much

whats funny is that i dont worry about being a bad person in any other aspect of my life i literally do not give a fuck whether im a bad person because i always justify everything i do in my mind and i cant find a single bad thing ive done. other than the intentionally bad shit i did, of course, i did that stuff to kinda.. give myself something to feel bad for and so i dont feel like im fully a perfect person? hard to put into words

so yeah i guess you get the point! i really need some sort of advice. ive told him this but not really the full extent behind it, just the jealousy and vague mentions of the fear of being bad. i am worried that my anxiety of being a bad partner is leading me to be a bad partner

damn... okay i don't know a lot about this but it sounds like you might be developing a codependency. you should definitely communicate all of this to your partner so you can work together to lessen your anxiety. you also should probably go to therapy but i don't know if that is accessible to you right now. i'm sorry i don't have much else to say but hopefully someone in the replies can also help

[butwhichhazel]

I was walking around the forest near my shack, I was in a little spot that was slopped and next to the river, separeted by natural walls from two sides and by the river from one, for some reason, the river water was a light blue and salty.

I started looking at all rhe little branches and the mushrooms growing ln the sticks and wondered: "¿what even is there to so here?" So I decided to shrink/interpret the concepts and objects of the forest as more important. And I came across some mushroom people, father and son, they were talking and sitting down, this salt water river was a little haven beach for them, we talked about food, I showed them the magical power to grow greenery that I suddenly had, and also wanted to show them a little tupperware with icecream that I had in my shack, I pointed toward my cottage and even though it was at the other side of the river, they had never seen it before, something about only processing things that seem important to us and my tiny home being too big for them.

I used some kind of ice plataform to get across the river and back, bringing the topperware with me. They loved the ice cream, I made some jokes about accents, somehow perfectly immitated a british one even though in real life I cant even hide my spanish accent, then I used that spanish accent intentionally harder while I flicked a circuit board.

After some things that I dont actually remember, I asked the mushroom kid thag had become my friend what even was there to do here, I dont remember the answer, decided it was enough, grew back to normal size snd went back to my shack. But I cluldnt stop thinking about them, so I grabbed another icecream topperware and went out to look for them, I noiced they had left their little beach and were walking somewhere else, the salt water was starting to rise, I decided to follow them for a bit, I gues this is when the dream started gettin weaker because everything became simple line art, we walked, I startdd to imagine hiw it would be like to have my friends with me, running around with the mushroom people, even if there wasnt much to do, I still saw us running and laughing, and I was not in my current body. But my dreams are often very inconsistent and my pov always changes.

My eyes panned as what I was watching this whole time was a youtube video about a girl telling her story of mushroom people, I tried so hard to concentrate on the video and nothing else, probably because I was slipping away from the dream, and that was what happened, I slipped away from it.

[abimee]

i dont think tyche ever tried putting althaea into academia but her mother wanted her to attempt it since she wants her to be well-rounded and a learned indivitual as she works underneath the current azem, so she was signed up for some academia classes to try and get althaea to branch out in what limited stuff tyche could teach her and her sister at the horns. i think althaea was a confusing student because she did well with the application aspect of things but not the basics, like she was good at the application of conceptualization and in creating things but was absolutely dogshit being tested on theoretical and the basic blocks of conceptualization like working details and undewrstanding how to manipulate aether, and the teachers would be confused and ask her how she applies conceptualization if she doesnt understand it and she always reponds with ''i just do it!". her and hythlo were in the same grade because i consider them the same age while emet is older and was out of doing classes but not yet ready for Anyder-level study, so he would try and help althaea study but she was always too caught up in other things to pay attention. on the other hook i think hythlo started off really strong in the basics but intentionally shot himself in the foot with the application, but the difference is that the teachers could tell she was just intentionally sabotaging herself to grade low. they were both told that if they just pushed themselves they could do better and could even end up going to an Anyder one day, and for a bit hythlo's grading got really good before it suddenly dropping down to althaea's level of bad (in a grading score of 0-100 i think althaea always scored around 39, or a shitty little F)

why? well for althaea they know why and its that she doesnt work well academically. shes too consumed within herself and understands information in a specific way, and while she can solve problems her application of solving them is absolutely batshit insane and not at all the way youre taught yet she somehow comes out with the right answer. They cant see directly into her brain to see what she does to conceptualize things but somehow despite having no clue the process and details of it could always manage it, and it came to the point where no matter what they tried teaching her she somehow found an insane way to go about something yet achieve a good outcome and it was just obvious that alongside this she wasnt very good at being taught things so they just let her slide. But she was not at all fit for going to any Anyder and was told as much, so she went back to her father and told him she finished up her classes and that theres not much for her to do now besides just keep working under azem. Hythlo was a different case where the teachers had an iron grip on them to keep them in and try to pass them to an Anyder because they had amazing technical abilities and with the right study behavior and classes could become a high honors student, but all she did was keep sabotaging her grades until they basically couldnt get them to stop and just tried to grade them on ''what they knew she knew''. He even got a letter of reccomendation to study at the Anyders but he just gave it to althaea to make into a paper bird. This didnt stop anybody from still talking about him being a good fit for the convocation and his skill with aether sight is bar none though

[cheddar-inq]

actually no i think the idea that being a band kid makes you lesser than others is stupid and incredibly hurtful for no reason.

oh how fucking dare i want to be in an activity that gives me something to do after school and lets me enjoy a passion of mine that ive had for twelve years? why does that make me worse than you? why does that make you better than me? why does that mean im not worthy of respect?

just last night after a football game a couple orchestra kids were helping carry our drum stands back, we had been standing nonstop for almost five hours because we arent allowed to sit down in uniform or sit while we're playing

everyone is exhausted, we performed our marching show for the first time and all of our arms hurt so bad, our backs and shoulders are in AGONY from the drums / the harnesses, our wrists hurt like hell, our legs are unbelievably sore, and these fuckers started whining about we should "just train harder" and how we're "weak" for not just carrying the drums the whole time

do it your fucking self. i can lift a couple hundred pound marimba up a curb no problem and pull it off a turf field while running backwards and lift / hold the resonators off the ground while i do so and youre saying that im not strong enough for you? what the fuck do you have on marching band that makes you SSSOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than us, hm?

its exhausting. we cant do fucking anything. we cant be tired because apparently we are always too weak. we cant be busy because then we're annoying and lame and nobody wants to hang out with us because we're always busy

do you know what actual friends do when one of their friends is in marching band? they work with them. none of my actual friends have ever told me im weak or i should quit band because its taking up too much time, they just find out when im busy so we can plan around it. if i say i have rehearsal or a game or a competition, nobody goes "ughh youre ALWAYSSS busy" because thats not an ok thing to say.

its not okay to complain about other people enjoying life how they want to.

if i make drumcorps like im hoping to i am literally going to be completely unavailable for an entire summer with very little contact with. anyone really, even family

its not going to be fun and i wont be happy about not getting to hang out with my friends but i love marching band so much

its so stupid that no matter what, marching band always has to be the problem

no matter how many "its a cult tbh" and "nobody actually likes marching band we're all just silly" jokes i make its not okay to treat us like shit. we love what we do, and normally people wont keep doing it if they dont. sure, some do and i promise we hate them even more than you do. marching band is such an important part of my life and i rely on band and music as a whole just to keep myself going and motivate myself to go to school and get up in the morning and do things

also i swear to the fucking gods if one more person calls the pit instruments by the wrong names intentionally even after i directly ask them to stop because its genuinely upsetting me im going to bite someone

[silentstaresfanficandfanart]

Thoughts on cancel culture

I was thinking and heres my like opinions on the whole thing.

i FIRMLY believe punishment only needs to be as harsh as is required for correcting someone and I just think maybe thats how we should be when cancelling people...like...maybe it doesnt always have to be like. your career is over maybe it can be like..."hey just letting you know, that wasnt very nice to say" and then they stop doing that thing- and say "thanks for teaching me! i will do differently going forward : ) and correct that thing-" like its weird to just lose it on someone for making a mistake isint it? its like, this time in vr chat i was just having a good time goofing around in vr chat and having a good time and instead of someone saying "oh hey im getting kind of overwhelmed by what youre doing could you quiet down" they felt the need to cuss me out- and im like "all you had to do was ask me nicely to stop- but im sorry for bothering you, ill stop now" and you know what? i did stop. Not because I was cussed at, but because I like to make other people comfortable and happy too. I dont like to cause problems. All he had to do was express that he was uncomfortable and id have stopped.

I didint start it back up again. I didin't complain. But i did inform him he just had to ask nicely and i wouldn't do things to upset him on purpose : (

That is to say, I would have stopped and not started back up again if he'd just asked me nicely too : ( dont just assume someones like, a bad person who wont change and deserves to get screamed at and yelled at. if they really are adamant about their opinions or actions i dont think theyd change over any amount of cussing so thats kind of a waste of time and energy anyways...but like, if they are someone who can change maybe all you have to do is...ask nicely??? and if theyre a nice person they just will actually stop doing the thing you asked them to stop???

and I know a few folks who are intentionally acting edge-lordy not becaues they really think those things, but because they want a reaction out of people, and they also, cant really be corrected by cussing them out and yelling because well thats what they want too. So the only really logical answer seems to be "unless someone is an active threat to others around them, in which case its probably under the jurisdiction of the law, the best answer is to be nice and polite and to teach someone not try to publicly execute them for making a mistake" idk. i think it might also make it a lot easier for people to get extremist about things because where else can someone go once theyve been kicked out of decent society? they have to go somwhere and if the only people that will accept them are people with harsher opinions, thats probably where theyre going to go : ( especially if theyre told theres no way back...

I mean im open for debate but i think maybe we focus too hard on "getting back at them" and not enough on "assume ignorance over malevolence whenever possible"

I mean its easy to think everyone knows whats going on all the time but i just saw a freaking poll where 3% of people hadn't heard of *bat man* so i think its fair to assume theres a lot more people than you realize who just need like, to be told stuff even if you think EVERYONE knows something - Like im open to hear other opinons though, just like i said you don't have to cuss at me to talk to me you can always just talk reasonably to me- Im a reasonable human being- and i feel like if i did anything cancellable i'd also want to be spoken to nicely and just corrected because you only need a sentence to get through to me not a like...pitchfork. TT_TT

[fleastinger]

Fucking christ, i think i need to move on. I keep clinging to the thought of you whenever a crisis happens. I miss talking to you even though its a fantasy at this point and not a risk id want to take. Or just looking at you, hearing from you, even though i dont want to risk the growth and happiness ive had for the last few months. Its maddening. Its evidence of how codependent i was on you, of obsessively looking at you the way you looked at me. I was constantly checking too, always knowing what you were doing and if you watched something or thought of me. I was always trying to meet you on it.

I started blue lock finally. After trying and failing to start the manga 3 times. I think ive watched probably 30 or 49 different once piece episodes, trying to think about who was your favorite and all the things you liked about one piece. I

I keep reading between too many lines just looking at your soundcloud. Its driving me crazy. I feel like you're doing it too. I never know if you repost songs intentionally, to reach me, as if you watch me change my icon every few weeks. You used to ask me to stay quiet whenever you'd play certain songs in the car, just vibing to them and hoping i would understand how you felt about things through them.

I've never been so hot potato with my soundcloud. I got too nosy. When i noticed you unblocked me on instagram, i unblocked you on soundcloud. I missed your message, and it's been hell ever since. And funny, since i was told starting antidepressants would stop me from fixtating on you.

Inever know whatever traces ive left of myself that you see or not. I really tried to wipe myself off of twitter.

Im sorry. I cant trade the amount i miss you with the peace and healing I've had in the months since. I think you're better off without me, that you would resent me for making you hope for me even though ive dated people between us getting together each time. I think i can't be with you until you fix your health and your life, something my therapist calls us codependent trauma on each other.

I havent dreamed of you in a while. But whenever life gets tough, whenever shit gets too real, i think about the feeling of holding you. The way your hair felt under my fingers, how I'd try to be gentle, knowing how sensitive your scalp was. How it felt to cry into you, hearing you tell me how much you loved me and wanted whats best for me. I miss how you loved, even as i learn to love another. I wish i wasn't so controlling and mean, and you weren't someone i was scared of, someone i wanted badly to be doing better only to see relaspe and break my trust .

You never let me into your drug addiction. If you hid that, you could hide anything from me and i would still love you for it, which made me mad.

So when i think of your sweet lips, and the happiness you made me feel, i remind myself of the day you took those muscle relaxers. How i cried and begged for you to get help. How i kept changing what i wanted because i started to believe less and less on if things could work out. How i left, just to go home, cry , and spend a week in bed mad over you.

When i think of the future we couldve had, with our beautiful babies with curly hair and long lashes, maybe freckles and definitely brown hair, I remind myself of the past we did have. Of you feeling like i abandoned you, and always thinking i would leave.

So im sorry. I hope you moved on from me. I hope you liked that song because you met someone that made you listen to mariya takeuchi instead of my birth month being in september. I hope your emojis on your profile page is for someone else, not me. And i hope you forgot my twitter name being fleastinger, that you never find this page of my sorry ass trying to get over you.

[femmefaggot]

what a disgusting and immature response. do you actually have concrete evidence of him being contacted by your stalker? do you have concrete evidence that that was the reason he blocked you? you don’t, but you keep alluding to that being the situation even though you admitted that you don’t actually know if it was because of your stalker. then you were threatening to send him a vile message that got sent to you and threatening to @ him and harass him over why he blocked you. you keep posting about how you sent money to him as if you’re trying to paint him as some manipulative thief who ran off with your money. you put your own personal drama with him on blast and told people to block him (which lessens the amount of exposure he would get if he needed donations again; great job, you’re making it harder for a black person to raise money for necessities/emergencies while your white ass is financially comfortable enough to send money to other people). people do not owe you anything. you are not owed an explanation for why you got blocked. you already said the money isn’t that big of a deal. move the fuck on and stop threatening to harass, twist people’s perception of, and try to socially isolate and endanger a black user because you’re mad you got blocked. you could not possibly be this stupid and ignorant.

can you break your responses up next time if you want me to actually respond. genuinely. cant read this chunk. if I ignore shit its bc we are blurred. but okay god. since you want to keep at it too

long post incoming bc you wanted to send so much in one ask and clearly want to be absolved

but I need you to give concrete evidence that ive been a bigot

we know what our stalker sounds like. you don't have to believe me but I know that he's been contacted by them and baselessly believed accusations of us being racist*

*which again. if they aren't baseless I really want to know.

but believing something an anon sends you without proof on this website seems so weird atp.

i didn't threaten anything. you misread my posts. let me be clearer

he is being messaged by someone who has sent us the**

(in our words, but to quote you too to make it perfectly transparent bc you seem to have trouble reading, as do we. no judgement)

**"vile messages", the post was made to say that we could show how awful this stalker has been to us. the fact that he is listening to them is worrying

(not for us. I don't believe this person could do worse than they have. i am genuinely so genuinely worried about nao. and I am not a sincere person but I mean this. please dm me if you need.

worried that if they become friends and he somehow does something "wrong" theyll behave similarly toward him)

is the money a big deal? no. not to us personally. luckily.

how many times do i have to say that I dont think he's evil. im not blaming him for intentionally doing anything.

but that on principle abandoning someone w no word in general but esp w these circumstances is. odd? uncalled for. etc

we are in a very uniquely fortunate position to be able to donate to people. and have the urge to show affection through purchases.

and he was a part of that!

will not deny that 95% of the money given was offered, and even then the other 5% was likely going to be given anyway.

the only thing he ever sort of asked for was a game, and we were considering buying that for him anyway

i need to reiterate the actual money isn't the point at all, but it is the principle of us doing that and getting dropped with zero communication

but is it rude at best that after genuinely giving someone that, with no expectations, we were not given a chance to talk before he decided to make assumptions (during a heavily blurry and hectic time) about us

(I've said before and I'll say again, because you're conveniently ignoring it

if he needed I would give him more money. the fact that he's been a dick to me doesnt negate his humanity or need to live.

you need to absorb that. he could come to me now asking for money and id give it. so could anyone.)

him being black does not negate the fact that hes being shitty to us, but again use your own judgement and dm if you want

heres his cshapp, this is genuine. hes still human and can use dns, but until i get paid esp i cant justify spending more money

again, if he ever needs I'll send more money. and I'm not in the business of making this a callout, honestly this ask is 10x longer than I wanted but you def want the attention

anyway yeah heres his c$ w the proof of money we (voluntarily again, just sucks to be blocked after this) sent to him

but fr if he makes a dn post dnt let this stop you

and if ur reading this n ever need money or ever wanna fact check the racism allegations we will be here. nothing to hide

despite the vitriol of this post fr if he makes a dn post do contribute and again always send me ur dn posts

not in the business of letting personal shit get in the way of mutual aid

again c$ is $moonvampyre he deserves to live as a person no matter whats going on

I mean this genuinely not as a taunt or a gotcha.

nobody deserves to suffer bc of decisions or lack of able to make decisions or personality or anything.

justice and housing and livable wage for all god fucking bless

[wild666child]

Denies that it is his writing. Has left the important parts intentionally blank to cover his ass. Never owned a motorbike for the whole time ive known him. Pretty fresh piece of paper as well if you ask me... So, the back story to this is that we had a fight one day because he left me at Coles and he drove back home without me. Im mad because 1) he didnt say he was leaving and for 2) why leave without me?

the fight started with me confronting him, walking in the door as he was there ironing clothes as if he had done not a damn thing wrong. I immediately expect a reason to why he left me there and inconveniently put me out of pocket by having to get an uber back and better yet, come back with the sausage roll we intended to buy for his father. He got pretty mean with words, but long story short it made me want to leave his ass again because the words from his mouth now are getting nasty, this is that point where he cant stop and theres no negotiation when he is in this mood. No apology is warranted. I packed, I was dropped to my car, and the relationship was said and done. I came back for my motorbike the next morning, to my suprise it was gone. I asked his parents incase they moved it inside safely while I wasnt there, his dad says that it should be where I've always kept it. Now its both of us shocked that its not there. How is it that I break up with JB the day before my bike goes missing? Well, as per usual, he ignored me for 2 days, took his sim card out, put another one in that for some reason, for every number I had of his, believe it or not, I had texted this number whilst in our 2-day-breakup period and he was getting my messages... announced my bike was missing - no reply. I call a mutual friend, she relays the message, now hes moving mountains because he says "its making him look like he did it", so his game plan is to find it, get it back to me, and hes off the hook? Well that he did, but off the hook? Well, only until I found the above deed of sale of a "motorbike". Anyways back to how I got my bike back.,,

I was informed about him going to a mutual friends house and so I knew if I wanted to confront him, I'd have to get over there at the same time hes there and get this off my chest. What do I do? I run over there, my uber pulls up behind his friends car that clearly drove him there and JB is already inside. I head inside, there he is coming down the stairs on his way out. He is shocked! There were no words. Oh but have I got words! Immediately, I say so do you know where my bike is? What, I break up with you and then the same night or next day my bike goes missing..? He then tells me the grand story how he saw my bike and hes already punched some guy who wouldnt tell him x-y-z etc.. hes going to go and get it now, and will bring it back to me.. wow. My hero. So, I went to work, I waited, he calls, heres the good news, my bike is with him and he wants to drop it off. Now, im feeling like I OWE him.. Now im feeling thankful that he went out of his way, tracked down my bike, punched some guy for me for the x-y-z info and my bike is on its way to me! WHO NEEDS THE POLICE? Police couldnt do this quicker than JB, I hit the jackpot! Bike arrived at work, I say thanks to the mate who drove him to where I confronted him, I say thanks to JB, I then buy some fairy dust coz I'd call it a celebration and then it was just another day in paradise after that. Fuck, if only I knew what I knew now. I dont know the full details still, but if I found this, im going to assume that the bike was never stolen, oh wait no it was stolen, but I THINK it was stolen by JB. This piece of paper in JB'S handwriting is pretty assuring that he stole my bike, had intention to sell what isnt his, and to do this all under my own nose. Now that we are here, writing this blog, have I confronted about the deed of sale I found? Yes. His response, thats not his writing. I can't keep up guys. Someone slap the shit out of me.

[henesi]

I’m not sure what I would call it but I’ve just been reevaluating my whole life a lot lately and feeling more intensely than I normally do. Since a lot of the times i’m so numbed out from everything. But lately i’ve been crying a lil more and seeing my life in a different lense. All of this just to say that I really do love you a lot. I’m deeply in love with you, all of you. Especially for your flaws because you love me unconditionally for mine. Everyday you wake up and you choose me no questions asked. You choose to love me everyday and somehow manage to love me more than you did yesterday. Your heart is made out of gold, it has to be. I’ve been stubborn. I’ve had walls up thick & tall. You didn’t budge.. you came with a sledge hammer since day one lol. Determined to show me that everyone isn’t here to hurt me. You literally told me that in the beginning. I knew you were special then. Its like you had to prove to me that I was deserving. You didn’t stop once you got me.. you applied even more pressure. You swung the sledge hammer even harder. You knew that under these walls I was simply just protecting my heart. You wanted to get behind those walls and protect it with me. You have always been so patient with me. I know I make you laugh & smile ear to ear everyday. I know that I have made you feel loved, and seen. I know that what we have experienced with each other is probably something we will only experience once in life.. & thats my point of all of this. I can’t imagine one day without you let alone a lifetime without you. You’re my twin, my best friend, the love of my life, my person, the future mother to my kids, my future wife. I would marry you right now if I could. I would start a family with you right now if we could. Its you. Always will be you. Starts with you and ends with you. You’re it for me. When I think about life I think about all that I truly want is to have millions of memories with you. I know we have been through a lot. I know I have made mistakes. Times I didn’t listen, times I was mean, moody. Times I was stubborn defensive. I can honestly say I was still guarded. Trying so hard to protect me that it rubbed off on you. You never deserved that. You only deserve love, unconditional love. Softness, genuine intentions. I am recognizing my flaws, my mistakes. So many things I could have done differently during our misunderstandings. I dont want to repeat any of that. I dont want to not give you all of your flowers because I’m protecting mine. I can say 100% you truly love me. Would never intentionally hurt me and if you did it would hurt you. I know you’ve had your fair share of adding to our downs. I know sometimes I can be harsh and maybe failed to remind you that even when you make a mistake or do something wrong with me. I still love you unconditionally. When I’m quiet and don’t have much to say 90% of the time its within me. Trying to find the safe voice within me to tell me that its okay. I dont want to be guarded with you anymore. I’ve been hearing so many stories about people losing their significant other by death and maybe thats what has me so shook. I cant even imagine. I don’t want to wait until its too late. I want to spend the rest of our lives loving each other like its our last day. So thank you for loving me through the darkness, the sunshine. God sent me you, and i’ll never think otherwise 🤍

[sollucets]

🎈🤍🧿 !

i was like ‘ask me stuff i cant fall asleep!’ and then immediately. fell asleep while writing this answer. i mean its a win win but still

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

[bluescreens immediately] no idea. uhm. the second part is easier, of course it changes. everyone’s changes, intentionally or otherwise. i try to match a sort of ‘canon voice’ as best as i can if that’s relevant, but i do have my own that peeks through in most places, i think. i have no idea how to describe my own style i really just. spit out words. third person present tense limited narrator, prone to a lot of — ??

🤍what’s one fic of yours you think people didn’t “get”?

hmm. i don’t think i have one, but also i think i object to the premise. death of all authors including myself u can get whatever u want from my lil fics

🧿 what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn’t do that well / your writing/posting/sharing experience isn’t how you wanted to

hahaha. uh. gods i wish i had some good advice to give here. unfortunately despite my best efforts i do. frequently. take it personally. don’t do this by the way it eats at your self-esteem and feels awful

i know logically it’s not about me but it’s hard to logic your way out of feelings you already know are irrational. if its bothering you distraction’s the game frankly. just do something else. stop checking the statistics every 5 seconds, dont keep looking for comments, just do something else. oh and don’t sadpost about how bad your work is this will make the people who Did enjoy it uncomfortable and also not help your feelings