#i cant post this on insta my irls follow me on there

[crow-kit]

erm what the flip

[buntsukim]

mmm might make side blog to post my insane thoughts... i usually post dumb thoughts on twitter but there is stuff i dont feel safe posting there but i just like NEED it out there yknow yknow!?

[kitkatperce]

INTRO POST!!

general info

—✩ my name is sarah/sar call me whichever idrc 😓😓

—✩ any prns, sapphic aroace, audhd, also i dont go by any like gender but you can call me agender or a girl if you must

—✩ im an artist, been drawing traditionally since i was like 3 i dont . remember. digitally since 2019 💯

—✩ also i write fanfics sometimes and occasionally do moodboards + stimboards

—✩ prev username: xoxopercy

interests, what i post

—✩ my main interest rn is pjo, but it fluctuates!!!

—✩ also i sometimes post ocs do with that what you will.

—✩ no i will not post anything regarding my looks irl, where i live, my age, or anything personal. i wont even tell moots (though i will say i am a minor)

—✩ if i misspell something really bad (cuz i type fast i promise i know proper grammar 😭) and you cant understand it lmk and i can edit the post to be more. eligible

—✩ note; atm im currently more active on my tiktok. my tiktok is lower on this post <3

BASIC DNI CRITERA… DNI!! (obviously) JS DONT BE A JERK (and dont post nsfw)

—✩ also i do love the block button! most of my posts are heavily headcanoned though so if you dont like any of it dont follow

abt my art

—✩ not doing commissions or art trades atm.

—✩ i take requests from sum moots i guess?? idk.

—✩ do keep in mind if you do request smth and i agree to do it i will do what i want to do first THEN do it !!!

(I AM NOT TAKING REQUESTS FROM ANYONE RN!!!!)

—✩ also for the requests i wont draw ships i dont like and if you have a problem with me not liking a ship go ahead and hit thag block button

other

—✩ also i appreciate the comments, reblogs, and likes!!! i love reading whatever you guys say and will try to reply to the replies and stuff

—✩ i also try to update rhis post whenever im hyperfixated on something new.

—✩ ill prob edit this post a lot honestly just to make it look cuter i guess.

—✩ um another thing abt me is that i enjoy making pinterest boards i guess??

—✩ moots are free to dm<3

socials

—✩ tiktok: kuzaang

—✩ insta: actuallyaang

—✩ twt: kuzaangist (im not on it much)

—✩ pinterest: putonthedealseal

other part 2

—✩ feel free to post my art but only with credits!!

—✩ im fine with using for pfps and banners, wallpapers, etc With Credit.

—✩ credit me domewbere whether that be through linking my blog or just adding the name of my url/insta/tiktok

—✩ asks are fun! ill try to answer them all

TAGS

—✩ #my art - its literally jusy my art👍

—✩ #kuzaang letters - based on the headcanon that kuzon and aang were penpals

—✩ #my fanfic - fics i made

—✩ #moodboard - moodboards i made!

—✩ #sarahcore - basically js reblogs of things that are so me

—✩ #🦈 - oc posting!

—✩ #🦈🍓🍒 - tag specifically for my oc yune

—✩ #🤗fav character: atla - its aang. though i always manage to forget putting this tag so its not on every aang post👍

—✩ #me and isa - me and @/meeyow4419

—✩ #my peanuts - byler

—✩ #my reeses pieces - willel (platonic only ofc)

—✩ #my peanut - will byers

—✩ #my buckaroos - kuzaang

board for art things !!! also heres my discord server https://discord.gg/GnSpDmkSmZ

[d20-lesbian]

🐈‍⬛🖤INTRO POST🖤🐦‍⬛

I'm finally making an intro post! under the break you will find everything from DNI to Hyperfixations/Interests, plus a new tagging system I'll be using so my blog isn't such a wasteland <33 Enjoy

alright lets start with some info!

My name is Onyx

I'm a non binary lesbian

I use they/xe/it and a bunch of neopronouns

I identify with a bunch of xenogenders!

I flip from hyperfixation to hyperfixation super easily but my special interests are musical theatre and psychology/mental illness. (2 very different things i know).

I'm 18 years old and Australian :3

before you follow !

I might spam reblog sometimes, but I'll have all reblogs tagged so you can mute that if you like.

I'm always happy to receive asks and such, anonymous or not!! please i want mutuals ;-;.

i might vent at times, nothing too serious of course and always properly tagged.

Just keep this in mind!

DNI IF:

- you fall into basic DNI criteria (homophobic, transphobic, racist, etc.)

- you're pro-ana or pro-sh as I'm in recovery for both of these.

- you're a proshipper

- you're under 12

- you're a Monika apologist (DDLC)

- you fake claim

- you're anti neopronouns/xenogenders

some of my triggers are ,

vomit, in any way, this is my biggest one!! i have very severe emetephobia and dont really even like the word.

IRL sans hoodies/blue jackets that look similar to that.

Sayoris death scene from DDLC

i love musical theatre, rock/metal music, LGBTQIA+ advocacy, mental health advocacy, psychology, dungeons and dragons/other TTRPGs and witchy stuff :3

I'm in a lot of fandoms, including !

DDLC, Dimension 20 (fantasy high), Danganronpa, Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, Ride The Cyclone, SIX, Beetlejuice, Hamilton, Heathers, Vocaloid, Sanrio, Unus Annus, TBHK, MLP, FNAF, Marvel, NITW, Pokemon, Supernatural, Markiplier egos, WKM, ADWM, AHWM, ISWM, Jacksepticeye egos, Doctor Who, Starkid, The Hatchetfield Trilogy AND MANY MORE I CANT REMEMBER RN!!

this section will update every now and then with whatever I'm hyperfixating on !! right now its;

will wood/will wood and the tapeworms!!!

I kin !

Sayori (DDLC)

Kokichi (DRV3)

Angeldust (HH)

Jane Doe (RTC)

Fave characters are !

All kins <3

Ibuki Mioda (DRV2)

Emu Otori (PJSK)

Celestia Ludenberg (DRV1)

Ocean O'Connell Rosenburg (RTC)

Kuromi (Sanrio)

Kristen Applebees (D20)

Figueroth Faeth (D20)

im gonna introduce a tagging system to make my blog less of a messy hellscape!!

reblogs will be tagged with #onyx rbs

me yelling about fandoms will be tagged with #onyx fandom posting

vents will be tagged with #onyx sad

more serious posts will be tagged with #onyx serious

random shit/rambles will be tagged with #onyx is rambling

answering asks will be tagged with #onyx answers asks

heres some stuff that doesn't fit into any of the previous categories!

my favourite mutuals are @frogsareallgay , @elias-pluto , @tumbletryr and @teslapenguini !!

My favourite animals are black cats, crows/ravens, moths and bats! and i identify heavily with black cats specifically!! (im the real black cat gf sorrry not sorry >:3)

Some of the neopronouns i use are :3

glitch/void/moon/star/spirit/crow/moth/hallow/cat/kit/arcade/wisp

heres some links to my other socials !!

Insta: rock_lesbian

Twitter: Dnd_Lesbian

Discord: onyxjae

Pinterest: Onyx Jae

Carrd: Onyx Jae's Carrd

Spacehey: Onyx Jae

anyway, to close out, thank you for reading through all of this!! i hope you enjoy your stay on my blog !!! love yall <33

[jackienautism]

-> jackienautism

its the closest thing i could get to the user i wanted. shoved a u in there. might be temporary until i think of something better. might not. we'll see. jackienat autism real

ramble / explanation under cut

im just gonna be real i cant rly look at the quarry / until dawn anymore without getting paranoid and pissed the fuck off LOL it just reminds me of what i couldve done / said better blah blah so im just gonna switch up my brand. and i wont lie the paranoia is getting to me. i just cant help but look at certain ppl and go ......... hm. you know. which sucks. yeah. but i ALSO sort of did something stupid af on insta (wanted to keep my user away from some irl ppl... but i revealed my user in a post on my old acc and that was DUMB!!!!!) but anyway. mutuals and friends are still veyr much allowed to talk to me abt these fandoms, but atm, im deciding to step away for the time being. not that anyone cares or gaf. but i just wanna let ppl know.

also gonna probably clean out my following / followers. unsure when exactly im gonna do it buuuuut. yeah.

[sixthemeowmeowidk]

I know u left but do you have another account I could follow for your art? Because I really like it

hey thank you for asking! I just wanna say sorry to all my mutuals who saw me leave all of a sudden i pretty much packed my bags overnight and left zero traces in the morning. im gonna yap for a bit for the ppl who followed me n wonder where ive been (tldr at the end)

if any if my moots are wondering why i left/where i been i was really tired of having to keep a online persona up and basically like i was jst tired of drawing to post, it didnt rlly feel like my art was reaching or basically i felt like i didnt rlly matter and drew for like a stick of gum as payment.

my plan was to only leave for a week but then i had like the greatest time not giving af in that week so i extended it to months and now idek if i wanna go back coz it feel so awesome to take it slow and to draw for yourself.

as for where ive been n other accs i had a twt and insta but i deactivated basically ALL my social media for art and im jst chilling on my irl acc instagram and discord, i didnt really think any of my moots would rlly care so i didnt tell anyone other then my closer moots who talk 2me on discord

i do check some of my social meds from TTT and check on my moots sometimes

Will i ever go back to twitter? Fuck no fuck elon musk he made that app ASS

Will i ever go back to posting? Dont know

When do i plan to return from my break? I was planning to go back on august but now its august so november but then like 2 days ago i was like damn maybe next year so tbh idk 😭🙏

idk why i feel like i cant go back till my art looks fire ash or else its embarrassing and also till im like mentally prepared to take social media on again i wasnt rlly that popular but it was still tiring

TLDR: all my art accs are deactivated so sorry you wont find any of my other artworks and i left coz i gotta get a life and shit yk

also tysm im glad u like my art it means so much to me that people are enjoying my more older works! It really does

[xoxojisu]

OMG WELCOME BACK JISU 🩷🩷🩷 I missed you 🥺 How's it been???

For me at least it's been kinda slow 🥹 like reached a milestone but I have no theme and no idea how to decorate the event post ⚰️ I'll figure it out eventually 🧍‍♀️ Plus I also went on like an unexplained hiatus and came back to post a finished draft so now I both forgot how to write AND how to socialize on this app, "how do I communicate? How did I used to write? Do I just send asks? Wait I forgot to follow writers I liked" 💀 so it's been ok on this app 😭

A little extra thing tho, I finally got an organizer for my figures so now they look neat and not strewn across my desk 💪 getting my life together (that's a lie, I spent 3 hours in a mall with my friend trying to interview strangers for an assignment that's due TOMORROW)

All in all, it's been great irl and ok on this app 💀 hope it's better been better on your end, Jisu

P.s I realized we never exchanged instas (optional) or roblox users and I've been thinking abt it ever since I remembered 💆‍♀️

YUUUUU I MISSED U TOO <333 congrats on ur milestone omg and dw i still have stuff leftover from 700 and im sorry but those def aren't gonna be done coz like i cant write anymore LOLL

I ORGANIZED MY MAKEUP !!! i found a little organizer thingy in my room from like years ago but i repurposed it for my makeup. i can actually find the product i want to use now!! (look at us organized queens go)

lifes ok but its better w u in it <3 LOVE YAAAA

p.s. i js created a new acc coz my other one was put on a temporary ban like wtf. figured that its wtv and so i made a new one and ig that can be my tumblr one. username is heartsfromji <3

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[elytrafemme]

when im bored i love posting on insta bc they give me the attention i want but after the centipeded reporting incident and one of my irls who has direct ties to my mom following me im now like...maybe i cant post anything on this site actually liek WHAT IF MY BROTHER FINDS IT etc etc. so now girls cant do anything r you srs

[mortychan66]

introducing me

hi my names sidney or archie whatever though i dont mind. and i have a cat ฅ(ᵔ꒳ ᵔマ.ᐟ

i am a girl but im asexual, aromantic, aroace whatever whatever i have no interest in romance and my online presence is only a outlet for interests and opinions only. i dont feel sympathy for people online therefore i am not interested in making friends it is for the better, you can interact with me though ill act nice majority of the time but its hard keeping online friends when i do not see you as a fellow person majority of the time.

you may not agree with some of my opinions

some of my opinions might be offensive to people but i dont really care, attack me for them if you would like. i use the word retard if you dont like that you can block me.

i wouldnt refer to myself as ‘chronically online’ im on my irl account or at school most of the time ill only be online on the weekends or at night (aus timezone) i do switch between social media alot, ill be online on insta all the time for a week then twt, tiktok, tumblr, reddit, newgrounds ect or spend all my time on youtube/watching shows/movies.

where to find me

as i already said i hop around alot but i do post on my instagram story about life. i am on youtube regularly too but i didnt add my youtube account to my linktree cause theres no point, i dont post on it just watch documentaries and youtube videos. my favourite youtuber is probably flamingo ive been watching him for maybe 5 years, im early to his videos very often and i post that stuff on my instagram story.

interests

i like alot of things im open for movie and show suggestions even youtubers. i like some of the following things

dexter (2008)

we need to talk about kevin (2011)

mysterious skin (2004)

serial experiments lain (1998)

scott pilgrim (comics + movie + show)

alot of animated things (regular show, rick and morty, family guy, arcane, adventure time ect)

true crime (not tcc killers, actual killers) i do like elliot rodgers though

internet stuff (i love internet iceberg youtube videos)

im try to get into games on my computer but i cant rlly be bothered i have played life is strange though im not much of a game typa girl

you might find more about me on my other socials if you are interested!

[atlasmothsilove]

i was mindlessly sketching and i ended up making the most horrendously gay yearning drawing to ever come from my mind but it looks really fire but also i cant post it on insta bc my girlfriend follows me there but if i post it here my irl bestie will bully me

[eatmy-customjorts]

pov hot man finally leaves his house to destroy mondstadt

[stonerzelda]

🦋x2

[oh-austin]

Idk if you're taking requests for insta aus right now, but if you are, would you consider doing one for Austin dating a non-celeb who was married before? :) Absolutely love your work babe!!

previously married!gf !

liked by austinfan3 and 6827 others

austinupdates leaked pics from austins private Instagram account! these are two pictures of his suspected girlfriend, Y/N L/N

austinfan5 maybe we shouldn’t post these?

austinfan5 maybe we shouldn’t post these?

↳ austinfan8 ikr they aren’t even of austin, let’s be fair everyone!!

austinfan11 omg she’s so pretty

austinfan16 I found her account!!!!

↳ austinfan19 can you please send it to me?

↳ austinfan22 me too please!

austinfan27 omg she was married??

↳ austinfan31 what?

austinfan34 she was married before dating austin, she has wedding photos posted in 2015

↳ austinfan36 so she’s a gold digger?

↳ austinfan38 completely

liked by austinbutler, yourfriend and 147 others

yourinstagram my saving grace 💗

view all comments

austinbutler I love you

↳ yourinstagram 🥹🥹🥹🥹

austinfan40 you’re so pretty!

yourfriend you deserve so much happiness, I’m so so happy for you

↳ yourinstagram I love you

austinfan41 gold digger

↳ austinfan42 she’s heaps older than him too I think

↳ austinfan45 she’s 32

austinfan47 they look so happy omg

↳ austinfan49 I know right 🥲

liked by austinfan51 and 9274 others

ab_updates meanies chased y/n to be private!

view all comments

austinfan57 but she was so much fun 🥲

austinfan59 good, I don’t like her

↳ austinfan61 I agree she doesn’t give me good vibes

↳ austinfan65 it makes me feel weird because she’s been married

austinfan67 I’m still following her thank god

austinfan68 no one post her pictures now that she’s private please!

liked by austinbutler, austinfan73 and 467 others

yourinstagram always coming back, 4 years without you 🤍 forever missing you, my love

view all comments

yourfriend he’s gifting you love from the sky, love you

austinfan75 oh my goodness, so sorry for your loss

austinbutler 🤍🤍

austinfan77 this is so heartbreaking

austinfan79 I’m so sorry that people said such horrible things about you y/n, you didn’t deserve any of it

liked by austinfan80 and 6288 others

ab_updates some people who still follow y/n have reached out and have let us know that y/n was previously married, but tragically lost her husband. please be respectful. don’t be rude, mean, cruel about her or austin. please be kind, it’s what she deserves.

view all comments

austinfan84 cant believe all the horrible things people said about y/n dating austin

austinfan85 my cousin went to school with y/n and she’s so lovely irl, her and her husband were high school sweethearts

austinfan89 I hope austin treats her extra well today

austinfan91 🤍🤍🤍

liked by yourinstagram, austinfan94 and 1,198,082 others

austinbutler took my love on the carpet for the first time, my sweet lady 🤍 grateful to be gifted you

view all comments

yourinstagram I was blessed with you aus 🤍

[lilaclown]

[271021]

I feel so lonely.

Ik my friends aren't bad friends, they've made mistakes like everyone, maybe they're not even aware of how their actions affected and affect me, but still, I can't ignore the fact that, at least from the outside, if I'm not around, if we don't talk, their day is the same, they dont miss me, they dont care.

I try to talk with them, with social anxiety and feeling like every little thing I say or do is wrong, still I try to talk with them but I cant keep the conversation forever if they don't really care about. I try to continue talking but they don't seem to care, they only talk to me first when they need something, why they don't want to talk with me, am I that boring, that annoying, what am I doing fucking wrong!?

Its been like two weeks since I last was active on the social media they follow me, ofc, as the other time, they don't seem to care.

If I disappeared forever, would they care, would they even notice?

If I k*lled myself, as always, a lot of irls would write nice things on my last insta post or on their instastories or whatever, so everyone but me, would know how much they'll miss me. When u die suddenly everyone loved u, suddenly your not the lonely sad idiot u where alive (not saying people who d*ed from su*cide are idiots, it's just how I feel).

They say they care about me, they say nice things to me, they make me feel better, but only when I first talk to them... am I being too clingy, to hypocrite? Hypocrite about what, I ask how they are and when they say they're not good, no matter how bad I am in social situations, I try to comfort them, help them if they want that... I don't need them to be my fucking therapist, I don't need advice I'm not going to follow, all I want is to feel seen, I want to feel like they care about me, without me doing or saying something for them to do that, like I do with them, sending them stuff that reminds me of them, even when my mind becomes wild and noisy every time I do so. I don't want them to write me a fucking poem of all the things they love about me, I just want to feel like I'm finally part of something. All my life I've felt invisible or like an outsider, I want to feel seen and like I matter, my presence matter... is that too much to ask for?

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.